#i was already a bit anxious

[moshieee]

I think you just get chocolate-coated almonds instead of the coffee beans, unless your allergic to almonds that is

Also Moshie, please don't endorse in too much coffee, it isn't good for you

I was shaking because I had also just taken my ADHD medication which already has some caffeine in it and ate them too fast

Also I don't like chocolate covered almonds sorry

I will make sure this doesn't happen again I promise

[cozymochi]

I lived, bitch. I did it,,, I made an animatic again after 2 years…! And it’s not an old thing just dumped out! 😭 I’mma be honest, it’s not reaaaally spoilers exactly… but it sorta falls into it in a zig-zagged way. The timing’s off slightly for my liking, but at this point I shouldn’t complain about little things like that when making one at all was the huge hurdle. Rip my subscribers. THANKS AND BYE.

Original audio: Maleficent (2014)

Ko-fi

[paxcallow]

do you think we could pretty please have some razlili they give me life🙏🙏🙏

DON'T MIND IF I DO!!! i am sorry anon that this is sososo late, i fell crappy ill for several days and also was drawing a whole several page comic in response to this ask for some reason. i'll post that too but here

busteeed

[miutonium]

The weird nerd in a labcoat that you talk to every week at the diner appears in front of your door with a rose in his hand wwyd?

[moonkhao]

hi.

[stargirl230]

First (official) day of college!

super nervous haha, wish me luck

(no reposts!)

[strogoff-era]

Goodsir is trying to help Fitzjames transition and that involves a little bit of forgery and identity thief. And luckily, there's this one guy from the expedition who happen to be an expert on this. Surely this will go well, right ? Right ?

[addicted-to-the-knife]

thanks to @t3acupz's encouragement (and our overall conversations), I'm sharing my own thoughts on when I think Will "falls in love" (in quotes because it's not really about the process of it, but recognising what his feelings are and accepting them) with Hannibal in the show.

I very much agree with Hugh Dancy when he says it'd take Will a long time (like his joking way of saying "7 seasons"). not because those feelings aren't there yet, but because he has issues recognising and accepting them.

in the second half of season 2, those romantic feelings were already starting to bloom, I don't doubt that. I just think that Will couldn't quite place, let alone accept, them. he said to Peter that he wishes he could know what to feel toward Hannibal like Peter did toward his abuser. because then it'd be easier to kill him. that's where his romantic feelings already made themselves known, but he couldn't even place them. I think that he was convinced that it was due to Hannibal having been his only friend that truly just saw him, only to be betrayed by said friend. that's what complicated it. but this feeling of having been seen and accepted for who he was lingered and he couldn't make himself hate Hannibal entirely.

and then the whole honeytrap plot happened and Will's romantic feelings manifested throughout. again, without his exact knowledge. to me, Will realised that he sees and accepts Hannibal (mostly) at that point as well, which is why he had a hard time deciding which part of the plan to follow through with (running away with or killing Hannibal). the blooming romantic feelings obviously pushed him into the direction that the s2 finale went, but none of that was completely conscious. Will wasn't fully "aware" of what he was doing when he was doing it and especially not why. I also agree with Hugh in that regard, when he was asked about his thoughts on the "you were supposed to leave" moment and how he approached it. he said he and Bryan had talked a lot about all of this beforehand, but then he just went and did it without really thinking more about it. and I think that's very much true for how it happened for Will anyway. he called Hannibal in a split decision, not even knowing what he was going to tell him until he heard his voice. and then he went to Hannibal's home, saw Alana, knew Jack was in there because she told him, and only then drew his gun, which he lowered once he came across Abigail and then Hannibal. he never once resisted Hannibal in any of this. he was prepared to fight and even die for him at that moment. but none of that was a conscious decision he made beforehand. all of that were decisions he made in the moment because they felt right and he didn't think about any of it. all of it was pure instinct, in a way. and yes, that instinct was fuelled by his growing feelings toward Hannibal; but Will was not fully aware of that fact, in my opinion.

and then in season 3a, he wants to find out where Hannibal came from, why he is the way he is, who he truly is, deep down, and fully understand him before meeting him again. and when he does, I believe he's still unsure of his own feelings. he probably thought that if he did all of that, he'd finally know what his own feelings toward Hannibal truly are, but found that he didn't. not really. he admitted to Chiyoh that he never knew himself better than when he's with Hannibal and I believe that 100%. but I also believe that there's always been that (arguably) small part that was still uncertain, that was clouded and that he just couldn't put a finger on. especially when he was alone. when he was with Hannibal, Will had him to focus on and with his empathy disorder, he could rely on that to guide him during the time he was with Hannibal. but not when he was alone and continued to be confused about himself and everything else. I imagine that he was overwhelmed by those feelings, because at the end of the day, they're incredibly complicated and shrouded by trauma - abuse and pain inflicted by Hannibal. and thus, it's not an easy thing to accept that he's developed a rich, deep love for Hannibal despite all of that. loving somebody who has put you through so much agony, but also made you feel most like yourself and like you actually matter and are perfect the way you are is nothing but confusing, after all.

after he tries to make a cut again and distance himself from Hannibal and therefore all those complicated feelings, he marries Molly out of necessity and "why not". he likes her, that's for sure. but he doesn't love her. and here, I also had the thought that maybe Will isn't even capable of such love yet. consciously and fully aware, deep, romantic love. I really don't think he's "capable" of it at that point in time.

I also completely agree with Hugh when he says that the season 3 finale was about Will. about his becoming, his acceptance of the violence and darkness, and loving that. but that didn't include Hannibal. not yet. like Hugh said, Will still has to discover and accept and come to terms with parts of himself. and his feelings for Hannibal are a huge part of exactly that. when he asked Bedelia "is Hannibal in love with me?" it can be interpreted several ways. my personal thoughts are that he's fully aware of Hannibal's feelings for him and he can feel them when they're together (and even when they're apart, like in season 3a) due to his empathy disorder. but as much and as easy as he can feel others' emotions and name them, he has a much harder time doing it for himself. he certainly had a realisation of, "ok, so. this is real. these feelings are real". but that doesn't include his own. not entirely. he knows they're there. there is something, at least. he can acknowledge that much. but he's so deep in denial and that bubble of "I'm unlovable and I don't want to love. especially the person that has caused me the most pain", sort of, that he can't see past that yet.

and so with his becoming complete and knowing that he can't actually live with himself because of it, but he also can't live with or without Hannibal, he decides to kill two birds with one stone, quite literally speaking. taking into account that they survived the fall, Will still has a long way to come to terms with those specific feelings toward Hannibal. feelings he can deny himself of even less now that he's given into his true self that Hannibal has always seen in him and so openly shown love and appreciation for. it's up to Will to do the same with Hannibal. and that is difficult. it's complicated, it's layered, it's a constant internal battle. and I don't doubt that it could take up to hypothetical seven seasons, or rather several years, until Will reaches that point where he can recognise and accept that he is, indeed, in love with Hannibal and has been this whole time.

[sonia-the-hedgehog-2369]

The way my heart DROPPED at this frame when I saw this episode the first time!

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[scarefox]

Really not a fan of the "we trigger you and pretend as if you are refusing to cooperate and you have 0 progress in the past 5 weeks, this is a waste of time" kind of therapy approach.... I know they do that intentionally to shake you awake and highlight your soft spots or old wounds. But it does feel shit af. And I am never 100% sure if they maybe actually mean it for real.

They suggested today that I have to talk to my father about all the stuff I hide from him. Which is: failed uni in the last bit, me being in therapy, me going in personal insolvency and me being queer. If I don't clear that up I will never be able to improve my anxiety disorder.... I resisted to that. He's a narcissist and helicopter dad. Me not telling this is giving me more peace. Sure it's stressing me but that's the lighter way than detonating multiple bombs that don't just hit me when they go off (him being pissed forever at me and my mom). Maybe I will tell him some day but not now and I will keep the lie about me finishing uni, at least that way he stopped pestering me about work. They also made it sound like I betray my father and he doesn't deserve that. I guess they tried to piss me off so that I show emotions that I swallow, but all it did was making me insecure and feeling like shit.

[ilottthepilot]

The amount of times i have checked the rain radar today.... just put me on a pit wall in spa, i'm ready

[disposal-blueeee]

doodlesssss

scriabin belongs to zarla-s

edgar belongs to jhonen vasquez

[zemnarihah]

pretty sure i have a kidney infection but i think everything is gonna be okay

[micha-lapin]

[setewbro]

Recovery comic 13