#i was like... ok well i'm glad you told me. otherwise i might have come to your house with the baby and knocked on the door

[maculategiraffe]

my post about the baby eating a tomato at the farmer's market has elicited mostly very positive reactions but there have been a couple of comments (since the containment breach) along the lines of "and then everyone clapped." and obviously I have no plans to question the authors of those comments but I am genuinely curious about what part of that story seems implausible to them. the tomato guy giving a baby a tomato for free? a baby happily eating a tomato? bystanders finding a tomato-eating baby adorable?

like it's a cute story sure but it doesn't seem all that credulity-straining to me. it's like if I said "so cozy in bed right now in my jammies" and some random stranger was like "suuuuure you are 🙄"

(I am. btw)

[alicewritingstories]

Febuwhump Day 22: "You weren't meant to be there"

CW: Injury, mention of kidnapping

Continues Day 21

AO3

---

Twilight had successfully set Four's arm, but he was still unconscious, lying limp in Wind's hand. Wind looked down at him, his throat tight.

"Do… should we get Hyrule?" he asked.

Twilight let out a huff of breath. "Let me try one more thing," he said, pulling out a water bottle. "It's pretty straightforward, but I'm always surprised by how often it works. The trick is going to be not getting him too wet…" He tipped some water into one hand, then used his fingertip to flick some onto Four's face.

After a few attempts, Four's expression twitched. Wind let out a breath he'd not realized he was holding.

"Four?" he called softly.

Four's eyes opened as Twilight flicked a bit more water onto his face. He started to move to swat the water away, but cried out in a small, high voice as the motion jostled his broken arm.

"Easy!" Twilight steadied him with a finger. "Your arm's broken. Can you take potion in this form?"

Four winced. "Is Wind OK?"

"I'm right here," said Wind with a grin.

Four raised his eyes towards him and relaxed. "Good… they didn't hurt you, did they?"

"Yeah, who's 'they'?" asked Twilight. "All Wind told me is that someone threw you on the floor."

Four shifted and yelped.

"OK," said Twilight. "Before that, let's get you healed. Can we give you a little bit of potion, or…"

"Yes, but… take a look around and see if you can find a minish portal. It's what I use to change size. It should look like a spiderweb crack, maybe on a rock or under an upturned pot or something like that."

Twilight nodded. "Wind, you stay there and keep your hand as steady as possible. I'll go search."

Wind nodded, steadying the hand holding Four with his free hand. Twilight hurried off and started looking under bushes and in corners.

"I'm sorry, Wind," said Four softly. "I knew there might be some people still around who remembered what happened when… after I drew the Four Sword, but I didn't mean to involve any of you."

"So they were looking for you?" asked Wind. "Why did they call you a demon?"

"It was a misunderstanding," said Four, his eyes drifting closed for a moment. "I'd rather not go into what happened. Just… I didn't want you to get hurt. You weren't meant to be there. In that situation."

"Well, I'm glad I was," said Wind firmly. "Otherwise there would have been nobody to find you after that guy threw you on the ground. Now you stay awake, OK?"

Four smiled slightly. "Thanks."

Twilight came running back. "I think I found one," he said. "Come on." He planted a foot to turn and hurry back the way he'd come. Wind followed, trotting as steadily as he could. Even so, Four's eyes screwed closed in agony.

Twilight pointed to a rock by a wall and Wind knelt down to hold Four towards the cracks he could see at the back. Four looked up and nodded. "Yes… that's one," he said. "Just.. help me climb into it?"

Wind wasn't sure how to do that, given how bad his broken arm was, but tipped him towards it, aiming his feet towards it.

As soon as Four slid down his hand and his feet touched the crack, there was a sudden surge of magic. Wind reeled back as Four suddenly appeared in front of him, full-sized.

At once, he clutched at his arm and his knees buckled. Twilight just managed to catch him and support him as he crumpled to the ground.

"Wind, potion," he snapped.

Wind pulled his bag open and rummaged through it to grab one of the reassuring red bottles. He handed it to Twilight, who tipped it to Four's lips, apparently confident that he was conscious enough to swallow.

Wind watched, gnawing his lip, as the potion went down and the sluggish bleeding from Four's arm eased. At last, the potion was done.

"You still there, Smithy?" asked Twilight.

Four sighed and opened his eyes. "Still here," he said and smiled at both of them. "Thanks."

Wind laughed with relief. "You have to tell me how you did that!" he exclaimed.

"That can wait," said Twilight firmly. "You two are coming with me to let the others know you're OK and then you're going to explain what happened."

Wind sighed. He didn't want to explain how he'd gotten himself kidnapped, but there was no help for it. He nodded. "Yeah, fair enough."

[ostrichchariot]

Stuff has been really exciting recently. Jaysohn's really been enjoying it.

There's kind of really a lot of stuff happening right now.

Uncle Thorn's talking to the humans with Auntie Viola and Grandma, and Jaysohn's not tired, he's not, mum! But she told him they should go back and get some rest anyway now that things have calmed down a bit, and she said maybe they might see Sybil on the way. So maybe going back to the room for a bit wouldn't be so bad. And anyway, Lila's probably tired.

They don't see actually Sybil on the way, which is disappointing.

Lila settles down really fast like she always does, and then just lies there staring off into the distance thinking and not even running around while she does it or anything, like she always does. She just stays there listening, because she's really really clever, and that does mean she is also just a tiny bit boring sometimes.

Mum is sitting by the door, staring out into the warren.

"Mum?" says Jaysohn. "Are you going to die?"

Her head whips round in an instant, and she stares at him for a moment before she responds. "Am I- what do you mean, sweetie?"

"Well, you know, since you died but you came back, does that mean you'll never die?" asks Jaysohn.

She looks at him. She opens her mouth, then closes it again. She reaches out a paw, and places it, with excruciating gentleness, on Jaysohn's shoulder.

This is the flesh she tore into with raw power and savagery. This is the muscle she stitched back together with sheer force of will.

Under the fur, there is a scar, now.

Jaysohn thinks it probably looks really cool, and isn't sure why mum looks sort of heartbroken when he leans into her touch a little.

"I'm so sorry," she says. "I'm so, so sorry, Jaysohn."

Her eyes glisten with tears, and that's sad, but it's ok. Jaysohn doesn't mind, as long as she doesn't look like she did in that moment where she stopped being all weird and attacking him, and then stared at him like she wanted to be gone. Like she was gone, just not on the outside.

"Come on, mum," says Jaysohn. "I'm fine. I'm really strong, you know! Anyway, Auntie Viola exploded those humans, and you healed me, so it doesn't even matter!"

"It does matter." says mum, voice unusually forceful. "I hurt you, and that was wrong. That was unforgivable."

"Well you didn't do it on purpose, did you?" says Jaysohn. "Obviously. I could tell. Plus I know you would never do that unless someone else was doing it. Otherwise it wouldn't make any sense."

Mum's eyes soften, and she nuzzles him gently, pressing her nose into his shoulder fur. "No. No, I suppose it wouldn't," she says. "I love you, Jaysohn. I'm so glad you're alright. I'm so proud of you, you did so well out there."

"I caught the cloudless thunder," says Jaysohn.

She pulls back and stares at him, as though she hadn't quite realized what that meant until this moment. "...You did," says says. "You did. It can't hurt you. Can it?" She blinks a couple of times, looking almost overwhelmed. "You- you're very strong, Jaysohn."

"I know right?" says Jaysohn.

She looks at him, eyes soft. "You should get some rest, now. It's been a long day."

Jaysohn- well. He almost protests. He really does.

But it has been a long day.

And- there's something that's different, now, in mum's eyes. He doesn't know quite what it is. He just knows that it's not the same as it was yesterday.

"Only if you do too," he says.

"Oh," says mum.

She closes her eyes for a few seconds. It's quiet. Oddly calm, given everything that's just happened.

"I suppose it's safe now," she says. "Isn't it?"

"Yeah," says Jaysohn. "You know nothing's gonna mess with us. Auntie Viola exploded those humans."

"Yes," says mum, gently amused, "I think you mentioned that, sweetie."

"Well if Auntie Viola and Grandma are out there, no one'll ever get in at all unless they let them in on purpose."

"Your Uncle Thorn is doing a very important job out there too, speaking to the humans," says mum, for no reason Jaysohn can see.

"Yeah, he's there too I guess?" he says, a little confused.

"Alright," says mum, stifling a laugh, "let's sleep now." She curls up beside Lila, leaving a space open on the other side for Jaysohn.

Jaysohn wriggles in next to her.

She is warm. He can hear her heartbeat.

"You're warm," he says.

"I am," she says. "It's nice."

He moves just a bit closer to her.

"We can rest now," says Tula. "And in the morning, we can decide what we want to do next."

[thefisherqueen]

Some notes on Black Peter, the Letters from Watson story I'm now catching up on:

"The first positive sign which he gave me of the direction which his investigation was taking was an extraordinary one. He had gone out before breakfast, and I had sat down to mine, when he strode into the room, his hat upon his head and a huge barbed-headed spear tucked like an umbrella under his arm." Please tell me there's a Granada episode of story. Or at least an illustration

"He chuckled as he poured out the coffee. "If you could have looked into Allardyce's back shop you would have seen a dead pig swung from a hook in the ceiling, and a gentleman in his shirt-sleeves furiously stabbing at it with this weapon. I was that energetic person, and I have satisfied myself that by no exertion of my strength can I transfix the pig with a single blow." Laughing so hard over this. At least it gave Holmes an appetite?

"He was a most daring and successful seal and whale fisher. In 1883 he commanded the steam sealer Sea Unicorn, of Dundee. He had then had several successful voyages in succession, and in the following year, 1884, he retired." Just learnt a lot about the history of whaling. The only way to get rich by whaling and sealing was to be either a captain or an investor. No chance otherwise.

"The man was an intermittent drunkard, and when he had the fit on him he was a perfect fiend. He has been known to drive his wife and his daughter out of doors in the middle of the night, and flog them through the park until the whole village outside the gates was aroused by their screams." Pardon, he did what now??

I love the stories that are like, the person murdered was a dick and nobody cared but we're investigating anyway. Saves the drama.

Harpoon murder! Ok, maybe some drama after all. Good!

"I understand, however, from the inquest that there were some objects which you failed to overlook?” Holmes really is a special kind of rude sassy towards Hopkins

Old ore mines and large wild forests seem like good places for murderers to hide. How did an old sea captain ever end up here? No wonder he felt the need for some larping

"With her was her daughter, a pale, fair-haired girl, whose eyes blazed defiantly at us as she told us that she was glad that her father was dead, and that she blessed the hand which had struck him down." I love this fiesty girl

" Well, well, I can do nothing more. Let us walk in these beautiful woods, Watson, and give a few hours to the birds and the flowers. We shall meet you here later, Hopkins, and see if we can come to closer quarters with the gentleman who has paid this visit in the night.” Holmes sneaking off alone with Watson. How are we supposed to read this, Doyle? Especially because of Watson's lack of comment after. I don't know what would be funnier, Watson and Holmes having a romp between the flowers, or the both of them actually going flower and bird spotting while Hopkins is all going ^_^

"It was a long and melancholy vigil, and yet brought with it something of the thrill which the hunter feels when he lies beside the water pool and waits for the coming of the thirsty beast of prey. What savage creature was it which might steal upon us out of the darkness? Was it a fierce tiger of crime, which could only be taken fighting hard with flashing fang and claw, or would it prove to be some skulking jackal, dangerous only to the weak and unguarded?" Watson what novels have you been reading

What are knickerbockers? *googles* Ok, I love them

“What are you doing here?” “Can I speak confidentially?” “No, certainly not.” Not the answer I expected. Why is this so funny

"Well, Mr. Holmes, I am very much obliged to you and to your friend for coming down to help me. As it turns out your presence was unnecessary, and I would have brought the case to this successful issue without you; but none the less I am very grateful." Hopkins picking up on Holmes' sass, I love it. Yet... poor boy, have you not spoken too soon?

"The young detective was in high spirits at his success. “You really think that your solution must be correct?” asked Holmes. Ooooh! Danger! Hopkins, better get some ointment for that upcoming burn

"a little ribston-pippin of a man" Victorian insults are the best

“Your name?” asked Holmes. “Patrick Cairns.” “Harpooner?” “Yes, sir. Twenty-six voyages.” Of course a harpooner from Black Peter's crew would be the murderer. He was literally captain of a whaling ship. I feel rather stupid

You were so absorbed in young Neligan that you could not spare a thought to Patrick Cairns, the true murderer of Peter Carey.” Same initials. That was a clever detail from Doyle.

"He was a man of such gigantic strength that, even with the handcuffs which Holmes had so deftly fastened upon his wrists, he would have very quickly overpowered my friend had Hopkins and I not rushed to his rescue. Only when I pressed the cold muzzle of the revolver to his temple did he at last understand that resistance was vain." Watson once more to the rescue! I wanted to say that the days of arresting a suspect under threat of a weapon are over. Then I reconsidered. Ehm... pretty sure this is still allowed, even here in europe, especially under cover of 'resisting arrest' and 'suspect is posing threat'. The power cops are allowed to wield is really quite terrifying

"That's all I know, and I say again that if I killed Black Peter the law should give me thanks, for I saved them the price of a hempen rope.” This murderer is pretty funny

“Mr. Holmes,” said Hopkins, “I do not know how to express my gratitude. Even now I do not understand how you attained this result.” “Simply by having the good fortune to get the right clue from the beginning. It is very possible if I had known about this note-book it might have led away my thoughts, as it did yours." That is quite nice and humble of you, Holmes *surprised pickachu face*

"If you want me for the trial, my address and that of Watson will be somewhere in Norway—I'll send particulars later.” The boys are really going on that arctic expedition?! Exciting!

This was a fun story! Still giggling about Hopkin's face when he was once again outdeduced (?) by Holmes. And about the birds and flowers. It's good to be back!

[cognitosclowns]

ALRIGHT I know part 2 just released, but any theories for part 3?

OHOHO HELL YEAH >:) these may be a bit sporadic and out of order, a catastrophic amount of sillies, perhaps some hooliganism, etc, etc, y'all know the drill by now <3

[IJ part 2 spoilers, ofc]

Same cold open as always (in front of the whitehouse, etc) except this time its RON >:)

he MENTIONED being a huge conspiracy nut in college - considering he's most likely gonna remember elements of Reagan's script, I 100% believe he's gonna slip back into that.

WE GET A GIGI BACKSTORY EPISODE!!! Otherwise I will just start biting people

ok this is just a plea to the IJ writers BUT STILL

JUST,,, PLEASE </3 I want Gigi lore. Her character is delightful, and there's so much potential for interesting backstory. They've set up all these little threads [her working her whole life to get where she is but still being unsatisfied, 'I could get used to being unremarkable', feeling ignored] now I just want them to elaborate on them.

I might be biased bc I love Gigi to death but COME ON, IT FEELS LIKE SHE'S GETTING SHELVED SO MUCH!! I'm so glad she got to do more this season, esp w/ Reagan, but I'm yearning for lore

tldr. Give me a Gigi episode or give me death.

Air Bud (AB) and Alpha-Beta (AB). Can you see where I'm going with this can you see the wires crossing

I'm sorry but I need the silly robot man to get jealous of the team paying more attention to Air Bud than him.

I can picture it so vividly like a vision from an angry god just

'Of course we're a team! we've even got loveable non-human sidekick who grew beyond his original purpose, gained human traits, and became all the better for it!'

-haha, well, I wouldn't exactly describe myself as a side-'

'Air Bud :D'

'I beg your fucking pardon, Mister Hand?'

in short I need smb to offhandedly refer to Air Bud as AB, and watch this man have a cyberstroke from pure jealousy.

speaking of my favorite man,

ALRIGHT,,,, I DO KINDA REALLY WANT TAMIKO DATE 2.0,,,,,,,

I don't really ship them but the potential here is too powerful. I need to experience more of Whatever The Fuck Happens To AB's Mind When He Sees A MILF

Tell me it wouldn't be delightful to see this clown try and ask Tamiko on a proper date. Tell me that wouldn't be magical to witness. It'll be an absolute car crash and I pray the writers give it to us.

also because if (lets be honest, when) he gets rejected, his dramatic, self-pitying crywank moment is going to be. so good. Teenager sulking in their bedroom watching rom-coms and crying about how 'that was just like me and Tamiko 🥺🥺🥺' levels of pathetic. I know it in my heart of hearts. I physically can't wait.

I think overall I just want this man in situations. bad situations. bad not good situations where he will act both bad and not good <3

THE ROBES,,, UH,,,, HRM,,

*GESTURES VAGUELY* THERE'S SO MANY OPTIONS IDK YET GIVE ME A FEW MONTHS TO STRATEGIZE

They could be anything from aliens, to time travelers, to 4th dimensional beings, robots, clones, ghosts, Just Some Guys (tm), to all of the above in some hodgepodge fruitcake situation.

I will however say that,, at least half of what the Robes told Reagan was probably bullshit. The stuff about all catastrophes having meaning? Not buying it, there's smth up here.

[ALSO,, I'm 90% sure that season 2/part 3 is gonna be the start to an actual Longterm Overarching Plot, which the Robes will no doubt be involved in. Please Please Please, this show is already delightful, and a broader plot would just. *italian hand kiss*]

MISC SHIT, MOSTLY JUST HOPES AND DREAMS:

JRand prison moments. homoerotic prison escape. two bisexual men pressed into a dirt tunnel, who knows what might occur in the heat of passion etc, etc

GLENN CHARACTER ARC!!! We're getting little hints at it,,,, he's tried shrooms,, he's growing closer to the team,,, the bisexual arc is right around the corner for this man I can FEEL IT.

I think we might see Atlantis? We've been getting more stuff about them, and since we've covered pretty much all other Already Mentioned Funky Locations, I think that's gonna be the Big Travel Episode next season!!

BEACH EPISODE!! PLEASE GOD!!! Either combined w/ the above, or separate

[Also, shamefully, I'll admit,,,, I kinda want a musical episode. I have no excuse I just think it'd be so delightful. Please Once-More-With-Feeling, Guy-Who-Didnt-Like-Musicals these bitches Shion, I know you have the power.]

A deep-dive into Andre's psyche. SO many things have been brought up, and I hope they really go in on them. He's coping in 1000 different ways and I don't think a single one of them is good for him.

HM. okie this is getting rambly - I'll probably add more within the next few months as these episodes congeal in my brain, but for now, tysm for the ask!!!

[triptychgrip]

Crack-y Viktuuri college lesbians meet-cute idea

"So, how long have you been eating veg?" Viktoriya asked, with a heart-shaped smile.

Yuriko choked on a snap pea, her mind reeling at the question she'd just been asked.

Eating vag??

Like...as in eating vagina?! Was this just a casual phrase that baby gays threw around nowadays?!

Only five minutes into her first meeting of the Lesbian Students Association' and Yuriko was already learning so much! It'd be a whole lot more gratifying if she also wasn't about to choke to death, but what a way to go...

As she spluttered around the errant vegetable, she could see even through her watering eyes that Viktoriya had begun to flap her hands around in panic.

"Are you ok? Let me get you some water!"

Viktoriya practically flung herself out of her seat.

As she sprinted towards the drinks station she sincerely hoped she could come to the rescue of her extremely pretty new acquaintance, who, with any luck, might become a new friend? Ideas began to flood her mind as she grabbed the first can she saw -- a sparkling grapefruit soda -- before wheeling around to return to their table.

They could try out that new vegan Thai spot together, the one that was just off-campus! Or maybe even cook their own recipes together...she did have a fairly nice kitchen as far as campus apartments went, and it'd be fun to have a new friend to bounce around ideas with when it came to meat substitutes.

Yuriko gratefully accepted the outstretched can, and there was silence between them for a few moments as the other woman began to gulp the soda down. Viktoriya glanced around, finding it odd that they were still the only ones in the room...

Mila had said this mixer was due to start no later than 6:30 pm, but it had been well over twenty minutes since then. She'd even suggested that Viktoriya get there early, just for the food ("I've heard that Campus Vegetarians always get the best Mediterranean platters for their intro meetings!")

"Uhm...sorry about that, I was just surprised by your question," Yuriko eventually spoke up, blushing deeply.

She began to feel a little self-conscious at the puzzled expression that Viktoriya directed her way.

Oh, God, she was such a n00b...Viktoriya was clearly an Experienced Gay: that much was evident from the state of her Doc Martens. She probably had no interest in "coaching" Yuriko on how to advance beyond "beginner lesbian", whether that was in terms of learning the right lingo or otherwise.

"Oh, sorry, was that too nosy? I've been told that I can come off like that," Viktoriya replied, though her eyes still held a hint of confusion. "I didn't mean to pry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

But Yuriko rushed to reassure her; this was a mixer for lesbians, so it was natural that she might get asked how long she'd been out. Or how long she'd been "eating vag", rather.

"I'm brand spanking new to all of this, to be honest," she replied, feeling a surge of warmth at the beaming, heart-shaped smile Viktoriya flashed at her.

God, she was so pretty.

Suddenly, her insecurities around being a baby gay seemed silly; even if Viktoriya had been "eating vag" for much longer, the other woman seemed kind, not at all like a judgmental sort of person. Yuriko beamed back, glad she'd gone along with Yuuko's advice to make this mixer a priority.

"What a lucky coincidence: I'm new to this too!" Viktoriya crowed, looking absolutely delighted.

---

Ok, so this Viktuuri college lesbians meet-cute idea popped into my head earlier, centering around: 1) UC Berkeley college junior (and new vegetarian) Viktoriya Nikiforova meeting college sophomore (and newly out lesbian) Katsuki Yuriko; 2) their best friends Mila/Yuuko meeting through the campus Figure Skating Club and scheming together on getting them to meet. Yuuko ends up telling Yuriko to attend an intro meeting of the Lesbian Students Association, while Mila ends up telling Viktoriya that she should consider making other friends who are vegetarian by attending a campus mixer; and 3) the extremely crack-y misinterpretation of the question "So, how how long have you been eating veg?" due to Yuriko's unfamiliarity with Viktoriya’s accent.

I would love to work on this, but I literally told myself this morning that I can't post anymore WIPs to ao3 until I finish my "Gold's On The Inside" series...which is at 180K words and 15 chapters (of 20 total, but that may very well turn into 21, lol).

But I still wanted to make a post as a reminder of something I may muster up the motivation to write later :D

A few more things floating around in my head w/ this idea:

- Viktoriya is a dance major battling perfectionism and major depressive disorder, while Yuriko is a music composition major trying to stay afloat while navigating generalized anxiety disorder

-They have both been attending meetings of the International Students Association but keep missing one another

-Yuriko has only recently stumbled upon the concept of demisexuality and is overwhelmed by the world of queerness that this opens up for her

-They don't exactly know why, but the more they hang out over the summer and share about their respective best friends, the more Mila and Yuuko are inclined to get them to meet. They don't even have romance on the agenda, they just genuinely think the two of them would get along wonderfully

-The only barrier to a potential meeting? Viktoriya and Yuriko happen to be the most stubborn people on Earth. Viktoriya tells Mila that she won't be able to afford to make any new friends due to the coming year's workload, while Yuriko tells Yuuko that there's no way that anyone outside of her music composition classes would want to hang out with "a nerd" like her. Sigh...these two

[echointernationaljumpers]

Today we had the vet Ysabel over. She is new to us, but she seems good. She is also a chiropractor, and really helped with correcting Old Man's body. It was quite sore after many years of hard work and little care, so he was not happy about being touch. And by a stranger no less!

"You will need to keep up with the massages to keep him painfree. Also you will probably need to put him on some painkillers for a few weeks. His whole body is very sore," Ysabel told me, as Old Man was standing in the background.

"If you say that's the best I can do for him right now, I'll do it," I agreed, and looked over at the mule with his long, floppy ears. He had kinda stolen my heart, even if I hadn't stolen his yet.

"And I see he has a lot of scares. He has had a hard life, huh?" she asked, though not judging me. It was like she knew that his battle wounds wasn't my fault.

"Yeah. He has been pulling a wagon his whole life, and got plenty of wip," my voice was sad, as I told her a little about his old life.

"Glad he is with you now then. I will make a prescription for pain meds as soon as I get back to the clinic. His back is very locked and sore, so be careful when you train him, and listen to him if he tells you there is something he doesn't wanna do. Go easy on him. Also: No riding," she kinda lectured me, and I just smiled back with a shrug. I of course already knew that. I wouldn't be riding him at all. He needed peace and a quiet life.

"Sure thing! Also might you be able to tell me how old he is?" I then asked, curiously.

"When I looked at his teeth, who are in an ok state as of right now, he is probably above 20 years old. Probably also above 25. Some of the teeth I wanna come back to. Some needs to be pulled out. But I'll give him painkillers until I am ready to pull them out," she smiled at me, then added, "But I am glad someone is taking care of this sweet man."

"Of course. That's what I'm here for," and I was. I wanted to take care of horses no one else wanted or no one else wanted to care for.

"Are you done with the vet?" my lovely wife asked me, as I pulled Old Man into the arena, while she was riding around the arena on Romance. That young girl had come sooo far!

"Yeah, we're done. He need some painkillers, massages and to get pulled out some bad teeth," I shrugged with sadness written all over my face.

"But otherwise he is good?" she replied, leading the mare carefully around the arena. We had gotten her pedigree from the ones who rescued her from that farm. They had found it in the old man's house, and from the freezebrand on her leg we were able to find out that she was purebred Hanoverian. A beautiful mare.

"Yeah, even though those few things are a lot. Don't think about the money though, we have what we need, and he needs to feel better. I would rather not put him down, as he is a good boy," I said thoughtfully.

"Still no one wants an old mule who can't be ridden," my wife said just as thoughtfully.

"Probably not. But I want him. I care."

"Of course you do, darling," she sent me an airkiss, and then turned her attention back to the mare whose back she was currently sitting on.

I brought Old Man back to the stable, then put him into the joined stall. The vet had given him a dose of painmeds for today.

He moved into the pasture, and did something I had never seen him do in the short time he has been here. He actually galoped around in the pasture! Probably because he was as painfree as possible right now. He is such a sweet boy, and to be able to galop without pain? Well, that's exactly what I wanted for him. To be happy and carefree.

[dragon-kazansky]

Made with love | Helmut Zemo

Chef Zemo AU! 👨‍🍳

Gender neutral reader

Collage by @realremyd

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Part 7

You knock on the hotel door twice, firmly. Wanda opened the door swiftly. She had been waiting. You were grinning as you entered the room and all kinds of thoughts were running through her head.

"What happened?"

She follows you over to the beds and watches as you sit down, scrambling to take off your shoes and sit back against the headboard. She got comfortable on her own bed again, having been sat there watching TV while she waited for you.

"We kissed."

The squeal that she made did not sound even remotely human. There was a huge grin on her face as she leaned forward. Wanda to hear every detail.

"What happened? Tell me!"

"Well, we got to The Iron Grill. Helmut was a perfect gentleman, pulling out my seat for me. Stark made a speech that I couldn't care less about, and then out cane the food. It was a taste testing session, basically."

"Taste testing?"

"Yeah, their were samples of every main course meal on his menu. We're talking about two dozen tables each sampling the same things. Then he brought out deserts for us to pick from. Helmut and I chose one each and sampled each others deserts just to try. Honestly, the sweets were the best part. The menu was otherwise standard and not all that interesting."

"Then there can't possibly be anything to worry about," she tilts her head at you.

"Well, about that..."

Her brow furrows as she looks at you. A sudden dread filled her as she waited for your words. Something was very early wrong here.

"Tony Stark had us back at the end when it was all over. He wanted to buy Escorpión Morado from Helmut, claiming he might as well do it now before it fails. He said he would buy it anyway, renovate it to accompany The Iron Grill."

"What? The audacity of that man! What did Zemo do?"

"Well, he got angry, of course! The biggest insult that could be offered was just spoken. You can't just buy Helmut's family business and think that's OK! I stepped in before Stark could any more damage, I defended Helmut ad his restaurant. Then we left. Helmut pulled me to the side and looked at me like I was the only other person in the world. He kissed me and told me to stay

"He is so in love with you."

You chuckle softly.

"What are you going to do?"

You look Wanda on the eye, smiling.

"I'm going to stay."

She leaps off the bed and collides into you, arms wrapping around you as you both both laugh. Wanda is so happy for you. She's so proud of you.

The next morning, over breakfast, Wanda tells you about some of the places she had found for you. She has meant it when she said she would look for somewhere for you.

You were glad she did.

You spent most of the day looking at the places she had found. It was quite fun looking around the apartments with her.

Lunch time rolled around and of course you both headed to your favourite spot. The doors were open and waiting for you.

Helmut was at the bar, talking to Sam, but they both stopped when they saw someone entering.

Suddenly, no one else mattered. You both looked at each other and smiled. Wanda tries not to make a fuss, but she was ecstatic to see her best friend hopelessly in love with the chef in front of them.

Helmut walks around the bar and comes to stand in front of you.

"Hello."

"Hello."

You both just smile at each. His hands reach out for yours and he brings them to his lips, kissing them both.

Helmut wasn't going to hold back.

"How are you?" You ask, very much aware of the other people in the room watching.

"I'm good, I promise."

"Good."

You lift one hand to the side of his face and caress his cheek softly. He melts into your touch, holding your hand there.

Wanda coughs into her fist.

You both drop your hands and turn to her. Sam also looking rather smug from behind the bar.

"What can I get for you?" Helmut asks, making his way back to Sam's side. Wanda and yourself sit at the bar.

"Surprise us," you say, smiling.

Helmut chuckles and nods. He looks at you for a moment before disappearing into the kitchen.

Wanda and Sam share a look.

Sam fixes you both a drink.

"So, what have you two been up to then?"

"We were looking at apartments," Wanda tells him.

"Apartments? You're thinking of moving here?"

"I am, yeah," you say, smiling down at the counter.

"Zemo really got through to you, didn't he?" He grins.

You glance up at him.

"Yes, he did. I think... I think he needs me, now more than ever. His pride and joy is being threatened and we have to do something to save it."

"No wonder he's so in love with you," Sam chuckles.

The more they say it, the more embarrassing it becomes, but also, the more true it feels.

Helmut returns with two dishes in hand, he places them down in front of you and comes to stand opposite you.

"Enjoy," he whispers, voice a little raspy, and most definitely sexy. Did he do that on purpose?

You glance at him before tucking in.

"Thank you."

As always the food is delicious.

Wanda and Sam end up conversing with each other as you and Helmut get lost in your own conversation. He can see only you when you're in the room.

"Wanda and I were looking at apartments," you tell him.

Helmut's smile seems to grow.

"You're going to stay?"

"Yes."

He leans over the bar and captures your lips in a fierce kiss. You smile into it, no longer caring about Wanda sitting right beside you.

You're so very happy!

"Then don't look any further," Helmut says, pulling away, but not too far away. He wanted to remain close to you.

"Why?"

"Because you could come live with me. I don't live far. My place is big enough for the two of us."

"Are you asking me to move in with you?"

"Only if you're comfortable doing so. I don't mean to move things along so quickly, but I have a spare room you can have."

You glance at Wanda.

She nods rather quickly.

Your eyes meet with Helmut's again and you smile.

"Alright."

Just when he thinks you can't make him any happier, you do. He kisses you again. You're laughing softly as you kiss him back, reaching for his hands that were resting on either side of your face.

"I must be the luckiest man alive."

You chuckle, lowering his hands and smiling at him.

"I would say I'm the lucky one."

"You two are so cute, its sickening," Wanda grins.

Both yourself and Zemo laugh. He stands upright, the distance between you feeling large now.

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this," you say, going back to your unfinished meal.

"I'm glad you are," Zemo smiles.

"I'll make sure they move in quickly," Wanda chimes in.

"Enough about me, what are we going to do about Stark?" You look at Zemo.

"What can I do? He is sure he is going to be a success here and that I will fall. Everything my father created will just fade into nothing and I'll have to go elsewhere. I'll work for Stark when Hell freezes over," he sighs.

"Then, we have to do something big."

"Like what?" Wanda asks, looking at you.

"What if we give Escorpión Morado a make over of our own? Reinvent the menu, have a grand opening of our own. Remind people that this place is here."

Helmut looks at you at so softly.

"You would help me do that?"

"Of course! I need time to become a citizen of Sokovia, but then I'm all yours!" You smile at him.

"All mine?"

"...yes."

If it weren't for Wanda and Sam looking at him, he would kissed you again.

"Then we better get started," Wanda said, pulling out her phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking up what we have to do to make you a citizen. You'll move in with tall, dark, and handsome chef over here, work in the beat restaurant in the country, and live happily ever after!" She grins.

"This isn't a fairytale, Wanda," you laugh.

"It's much better than that," Helmut said, looking at you with big soft eyes.

"I'm really doing this."

"Yes, you are."

You smile at him.

For the rest if your stay in Sokovia, you visit the restaurant every day. Helmut shows you where his apartment is, letting you look around. It's very him. Wanda gets all the details you'll need for moving here, and before you know it, you're standing outside the airport with Zemo's arms around you.

"Next time you come back, you'll be here to stay."

"Yes. Just like you asked me to," you say, softly in his ear.

"Don't keep me waiting too long."

"I won't. I'll be back before you know it."

You pull away from one another to look at each other. He has this huge goofy grin on his face as he looks at you.

"I want to tell you something, but I don't know if it's the time to say it," he says, almost whispering.

"What is it?"

He licks his bottom lip, seemingly quite nervous. His eyes flicker between yours, trying to make up his mind on if he should say it or not.

He's going to say it.

"I love you."

You smile.

You kiss him, hands tugging at his collar to bring him to you. His hands settle on you as he kisses you back just as urgently.

"I love you too," you say, breaking away from him.

"We to go!" Wanda calls from behind you.

"I'll see you soon," you tell him.

"I'll be waiting for you!"

You regretfully let go of him and grab your bags. Helmut watches you as you wall with Wanda into the airport. He hates seeing you leave again, but knows that when you come back, you'll be coming back to him, to stay.

You blow a kiss at him before you disappear from sight.

He smiles.

Things feel like they're turning out for the better, and he feels over the moon.

@namethathasnotbeentaken @belle82devart @cathrin2405 @lieutenantn @wilder-fangirl @latenightartist-author @lucky-luck-lucky @hb8301 @charistory @thatoneartgalsstuff @thesuitkovian @malkaviangirl @zemosimp420 @realremyd @the-chaotic-cow @lostghostgirl94 @zafiro-draco @lazygurl05 @pinkcutiepiee @goddessofmischief03 @whovianayesha @myybebe @awesomesauce-abbie @that-stupid-head-tilt-thing @swooning-for-mc-avoy @nonamec0s @apparrio @scuttle-buttle @alex-the-nb @my-blood-is-maple-syrup @greeneyedblondie44

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

[jinxthequeergirl]

An Hour of Bliss

Edward nygma x Gordon!reader

Summary: lucius needs help, just so happens the smartest man in Gotham walks across his path. And he knows exactly whonto bribe him with to get him to cooperate

Warning: swearing,angsty otherwise its decently i think fluffy but sucks ass so

Kiddo's, Imma be honest here I have not watched gotham in so fucking long i watched three episodes of season five then waited for it to come onto netflix so not it is and i will be rewatching season five soon but here enjoy this it was sitting in my drafts from when i was watching it

~~~~

He had walked in pretty easily, walked around pretty easily. Lucky him. He was only phased once on his way to the back, once when he saw you.

God you looked horrible.

dark bags under your eyes that he could see even from where he was standing, fresh cuts as well as old littered your arms and face.

God you still looked beautiful.

He watched sadly from where he stood as one of the other officers wrapped your arm up with bandages. Your noise crinkled when you smiled at something the officer said.

He wondered if you where doing better now. Probably not, not with the way everything was now. But he hoped it was decently better then the hell he put you through. A part of him hoped you wheren't, that your life was just as miserable as his without you besides him. The other half knew you where and was glad about it.

You looked up and met his eyes, he saw the instant confused and scared look across your face that made it seem like you'd just seen a ghost. He should've left then. But you glued him to his spot more so then he was before. The officer caught your attention again quickly giving him the chance to continue with his mission and headed to the back.

When you looked up again he was gone. "You alright Gordon?"

"Yea...i just...just thought I saw something..." She smiled reassuringly.

Ed had been in the back for less then ten minutes before he was interrupted. "Hands up." He froze and scilently cursed himself for not being more careful, but did as he was told and turned around slowly. "lucius Fox, Good to see you." He smirked.

"Can't say the same." Lucius stopped a moment and lowered his gun slightly. "Although it might be." Ed raised an eye brow.

"I need your help, if you help me know one needs to know you where here."

"If i don't?"

"One of two things I tell that whole room of officers outside that you are here, or I shoot you myself."

"I think I'll take my chances." Ed made a slight move to leave before being stopped again.

"You know, she misses you just as much...If not more then you."

He was certain his heart stopped when he said those words. "What?"

"Y/n Gordon, Jim Gordans sister? She's been a mess since you went away."

"You're lying!"

"I'm not, I know it may seem like she's not but she just doesn't want her brother knowing."

"And how do you know all this?"

"We're good friends now." Ed looked at him skeptically. There was no way all of that was true as much as he hoped it was he knew he was just saying things about you to get his help.

"If you help me I can let you see her, alone."

Ed thought. "You mean it?"

"Cross my heart hope to die." Lucius said sarcastically.

"An hour, one hour alone with her." He attempted to bargen a little too eagerly.

"Twenty minutes." Lucius shot back.

"Fourty."

"Thirty." Ed went quiet and thought. Thrity minutes was a short amount of time shorter than he had hoped to ever spend with you again,but any time to actually see you again, to see that you where really ok, and to tell you he was fine that would have to be enough.

"So do we have a deal?" Lucius voice cut through his thoughts. "Deal."

It seemed like the longest few hours Ed had ever spent with one person. Probably because he was too eager to get to the end but he went along with it. Even as he went along with it he slowly started to not like the outcome more and more because all evidence pointed to him.

But that didn't matter he helped lucius find what he needed. "The roof of The Gcpd, and hour, I'll bring y/n up and I will be timing it."

"Why are you still letting this happen? I did this? I blew this place up I...she'll think-"

"She won't think anything...y/n loves you, loved you even before this! You've done worse even with her by your side and she never left you then...I'm letting it happen because you held up your end of the deal. It's my turn."

Ed smiled slightly and followed him Back to the prestinc. He knew lucius was right you, for some reason he was never able to figure out loved him. And accourding to lucius still loved him.

"What is so important that you dragged me up here fox?" Ed turned to the door as you backed out of it facing lucius onto the roof.

"Well lets say I found something...or Someone very important to you." He jestered to behind you and you spun around to look.

"Holy...ED!?" You could only bring yourself to stop and stare at the man.

"Hi y/n."

"ED!" You raced over to him practically jumping into his arms hugging him tightly you cried excidedly into the crook of his neck. "I...i...i've missed you so...so.. much..."

"I've missed you too..." You pulled away from the hug to kiss him. Which took him by suprise but he happily melted into it and kissed back.

When you finally pulled apart lucius cleared his throat. "An hour. Thats as long as i can promise the both of you before Jim get suspicious."

Ed furrowed his brows and opened his mouth to say something but he was cut off. "One.Hour."

Ed smiled thankfully and you ran over to hug him. "Thank you..."

He nodded and let you go you both watched him leave through the door before you turned back to eachother.

"God look at you!...your hair.." You reached up to play with his grown out hair and laughed before your hands moved to cup his face and kissed him gently once more. "An hour isn't long enough.." You mumbled against his lips.

"Let's just enjoy it to the fullest."

[dangan-happy]

Password: No offense, but you're really looking good today

To: Anyone I guess, but preferably Izuru, Celeste, and/or Mikan

TWs: Hopelessness(?), numbness/repression(?)

Where do I even begin? Well, I gotta start somewhere. Ah, sorry in advance if this becomes too long and I end up becoming too much though... oh, and, um, just call me RiRi, okay?

These past few months, I've been experiencing a depressive episode that's been slowly but surely getting worse. And nowadays, even when I have good moments or even really good days, it either gets ruined or it just... completely vanishes for no reason, y'know? It's like the depressive episode is this weird, black slug monster within me that absorbs whatever positive feeling I'm, well, feeling, even if nothing bad is happening or is going to happen whatsoever. It's almost like flicking a light switch to the 'Off' end. I chalk it up to mood swings/dips, to which, is something I've been experiencing more frequently as of this past month or so.

Like for example, I had a really amazing day yesterday! I went out shopping with just my mom, we went out to eat, we had a fun time overall, and it was just... amazing. Once I arrived back to my house, I was just immensely happy stimming/fidgeting hours afterward. Today [the next day] though? Almost a complete 360: mentally/emotionally exhausted, dull, almost numb even, wanting to just lay in bed and not get up. Online classes are a pain, excuse of a family's a pain, everything's just a pain. I'm not exactly feeling s*icidal; just completely dull. Ironically enough, I feel like a walking Izuru, just without the God complex powers.

I just feel like I'm way broken beyond repair, and that sooner or later, I'm going to become too much to those who care about me and try to help me, especially since I have Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety (generalized and social), some suspected ADD (not suspected by me, but by my counselor), and now, some suspected bipolar (whether it's just general bipolar or perhaps bipolar depression is unknown. Bipolar does sort of run in my bloodline though, to be fair). And I'll admit, nowadays, my anger issues are more frequent and current. One person who I care about so much has made their fear clear when my anger becomes a total wildfire, and has told me whenever I get that mad that they're going to leave me alone until "the old RiRi comes back", which not only stabs me in the heart, but angers me even more. I understand why they say that though; I don't want to hurt anyone else. Not again.

Wow, this is... becoming too long and sort of off track, ain't it? I'm sorry; I'll just try to wrap this up here. I don't know what I want. I'm not too big on advice; I'm normally into wanting to be left alone or just wanting someone's company (basically, talk to me about anything but whatever's bringing me down or such). So I guess just a hug will do? I... really did outdo myself here; I'll go ahead and stop now. I tend to ramble and have the habit/mindset that if I don't explain to the fullest, the other person(s) won't have a full, clear understanding. Sorry again, and I hope everyone has a lovely day.

~ RiRi

This is not your first visit here, RiRi. One such as I can sense this. You are always welcome to say as much as needed.... So your Sunday was possibly an amazing day, daresay it was one of the best days of your life, and from Monday onwards, things went south. You’re low in the depths of misery and despair. The level of change is quite fast. 

You mention someone very close to you often decides to keep distance at your negative moments, the moments when you are most in need of aid. While it can be seen as a heart-wrenching act, it may be possible that your ally was to ensure that in the moment of struggle, they refrain from saying anything regrettable. A possible outcome, one of many. Do not think ill of them for doing so, the people you are with, they care immensely for you, in a way you will never understand nor see. 

Above all, you asked for a hug. I can only tell you to keep living, and to avoid doing anything rash again. I cannot enforce you to promise that, but remember that there are those who love you, even when you think otherwise. Doubt them, and you will only sustain more pain. So have hope. 

- Oh goodness, isn't this a long one. Alright my dear, I'll be sure to give my full effort. RiRi is a lovely name, and there's no need to apologize. You're not too much at all! I'm happy to help. A black slug monster is quite the descriptive way to describe depression. I quite like it, and it's a perfect representation. That emotional back and forth must be exhausting, I'm sorry you have to go through that. I've heard of that happening before, and its even happened to me before, so I can understand how you feel. I am quite pleased to hear that you had a good day. Days like those are always wonderful things, even when we're going through a dark time. I think you may have been emotionally exhausted the next day, but I am obviously not a professional, so don't take my word for it.

Hmm, yes those feelings of dullness are terrible, although I am glad to hear that you aren't feeling suicidal. Yes, that state does remind me of Izuru. I'm very sorry you're going through this. You're not broken beyond repair my dear, that's not the case at all. Everyone has their diagnoses, but that doesn't mean you're broken or beyond repair. Yes, I would say that there are some emotional issues, but that does not make you broken, or place you beyond repair. You're never going to be too much. The people that truly care for you would never abandon you for reasons such as that. I think it's a good thing that you already have some finalized and suspected diagnoses. That might help the treatment and help target more of the specific issues.

Yes, I can speak on anger issues, I unfortunately have experience. Personally, I do not like the statement your friend used. While anger can be scary, saying something like that is quite hurtful, and I do understand how that hurt you. Can you tell when those anger flashes are coming on? I would try to learn to recognize them, and potentially separate yourself from others when you feel one happening. While I think your friend should protect themselves, that wasn't the best way to phrase it. It's very kind of you to worry about others. Learning to recognize when these shifts are coming could help you avoid hurting others unintentionally. Practice makes perfect though, so be prepared for that. It's alright, most people tend to ramble while they are venting, I was still able to understand what you are saying. In all honesty, I would say exactly what you've said here to your counselor. Make sure they know about these mood shifts, and they may be able to do more on their end. Everything I've said is a suggestion, so take it or leave it my dear. I just wanted to make sure that I had plenty of things to say to you, since an ask of this length certainly deserves it.

Again, there is no reason to apologize, and it's ok to not know what you want. I understood what you were saying perfectly, so there's no need to worry about that. I may have outdone myself on this response, so we're in the same boat together, aren't we my dear? I'm certainly happy to give you a hug. Angry or not, you're a lovely, wonderful person RiRi. You are not broken, and you are not beyond repair. We all have our struggles in life, and some are just more prominent than others. I hope you have a lovely day as well, but you're not allowed to leave until I give you a hug!

[lesbiancarat]

Book anon here to say today is a happy day because it is dk and vernon day ^0^ the fact they share bdays makes my heart so big like djakdnaks that's the best thing really! (I say this as I don't like celebrating my own birthday lol but that shiz makes me soft) like how can it not get better than sharing a birthday with your fellow bandmate who is also your buddy :'))

Back on topic, I am happy that in the fandoms I'm in, update blogs or accounts are well loved so no drama there but I agree on cc peeps, my gosh the decline of them is obvious for the past 2 years =/ I remember 2018 the carat fandom here was HUGE with creators and lots of notes but now...its hard to see more than 200 for some and while numbers don't matter because you should ALWAYS be doing this for fun, its so shocking to see the interaction go so low and its more likes. I do have a theory as to why this is the case and it might be due to nowadays, people on Tumblr find reblogging alot to be "too much" akaspamming. I would know because some told me I do this and I'm like ??? I am simply reblogging content I like and if it means hitting the rbelog limit so be it djajdjw. Legit idk why its seen as bad nowadays when everyone used to reblog alot and no one complained so maybe this could be why? Again a theory but it would make sense and its a shame if this is the case :c I admit I like stuff because I sometimes do reblog it for a color theme but mostly I hit the reblog limit so I want to reblog it later xD

But let's not get into people that take others work as their own -.- now I get giving credit for say icons (I do this for icons and headers I use because its the least I can do. I would link it but idk how to do it on Tumblr lol) but taking someone's say gif and just posting it on twitter to share is like ??? You do know there is a share button that SHARES THE ORIGINAL LINK BACK RIGHT? Smh i can't with people. That's why I try to make sure for icons at least I know its not a repost and try to stay away from pintrest as best as I can (also svt on pintrest? Are they making moodboards or smth? I leave Tumblr for a bit and this is what I come back to lol)

Oof I wrote too much again sjamdna I'm living up to my emoji huh? XD but yes my tooth is better! It hurt again last night but today we are good!

I'm late answering this but yeah the fact that dk and vernon share a Birthday is super sweet! it's fun that they get to do their birthday live together as well ^^

but yeah i joined carat tumblr around late 2017/early 2018 (i made this side blog during oh my era but I'd been reblogging svt stuff on main before then) and I'm p sure most if not all the cc's i originally followed are inactive now :( obviously like you said content creators should make content for fun and bc they want to and not for the notes, but it's understandably disheartening when less people are interacting with it and even the people who do still see your content are (at least seemingly) less enthusiastic about it (ie liking but not reblogging it, less ppl writing things in the tags or replies, etc.)

but that's so wild to me? I've never heard anyone say someone is reblogging too many things like... how do you expect to see posts if people don't reblog stuff?? id welcome that extra content on my dash dhfjfh. i guess you can go in specific tags but like. idk reblogging is the main function of tumblr i don't know why there are people sort of against it/not as willing to use it (i mean... i suspect at least one factor is other social media platforms relying more on algorithms and likes to show people new content and ppl are just more used to that maybe?)

i feel like to some extent people feel entitled to have every or any gif or fanart or fan content on their platform of choice, but like if an artist posts something on tumblr but not on twt or instagram it doesn't HAVE to be on twt or insta. people can make a tumblr (or whatever platform) account if that's the only place a creator is active and they really want to see their content. and if people want to share something cool to another platform it is not hard to just post a link to the original post and tell people to check it out. like i do that every once in a while if there's a translation that doesn't allow reposts, but i still want ppl to know that trans exists if they wouldn't normally. and yeah!! you're gonna get less engagement that way!! but that's when you need to question whether your intention is really to share something cool w people who wouldn't normally see it or if you just want clout from this cool thing for yourself

and obviously not everyone who reposts things wo credit or permission has such innocent intentions as "i want to share this cool thing" but i think in a lot of cases it is something similar to that where ppl see something and they want to use it or share it for whatever reason and they just forget that it's something an actual person took the time to create and chose to share it. fan creations, unless otherwise specified, are not like memes in that they're intended to be shared and edited and copied to hell and back

but yeah pinterest is the worst in terms of reposts. like very little if any of the content on there (at least that's fandom related) is original content. the vast majority is reposts from other platforms without credit. a few weeks ago i saw someone on twt post like an old SVT photo or something and someone asked where it was from and they were like 'idk i saw it on pinterest' and when i tell u my blood boiled dhfkfj like!! ok!! so you're reposting a repost and u have no idea what the original source is... great

but yeah i have no idea what SVT is gonna do with pinterest... guessing it's just gonna be pledis posting official/behind photos that they also post on twt anyway. it really looks like it's something bh made them create given other bhl artists also have pinterests they're all following each other. also pledis didn't even officially announce the new account opening anywhere as far as I've seen so like. i think they really don't care dhfkfj

i really don't know what bh thinks they're gonna gain though like. ik there are active fandom pinterest users but i think most of them also have other social media like twt or insta. like they're not cracking open a huge new market, and LITERALLY NO ONE expects any musician or celeb to have an official Pinterest so. it's just so unnecessary dhfkgj

I'm glad your tooth is feeling better!!!

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hi I hope this is ok to talk about here sorry if not. I don't know if I can say I was abused as a kid because I got hit and stuff but it wasn't that bad and I'm autistic which made me a difficult kid to deal with so that makes it ok. I told my partner about it and she was upset about it, she said it was wrong what happened to me but I couldn't tell her everything. I keep getting scared a lot sometimes out if no where like I did when I got locked in my room and my dad was gonna do bad stuff. 1/5

My partner says a lot of things I dont understand. She says it’s ok for me to talk about and express how I’m feeling. But that usually makes me scared because before it got me hurt. With my partner the rules are different I know this because we stim together but I’m not allowed to do that elsewhere otherwise people will know its ok to hurt me. And also because sometimes I infodump and then realise and say sorry and wait for her to hit me but she never does and says it’s ok 2/5

I know I am very lucky and don’t deserve to have a partner like her. She is nice to me and I like being close to her I thought I didnt like touch but her touch is nice and makes me feel safe. My mum says I am not good and will scare her off soon. I don’t want to do that but it makes me sad and scared that I’m gonna lose her eventually. I don’t like the scared feelings all the time. 3/5

I don’t understand a lot of things but my partner says thats ok and she says its ok if I get scared and want reassurence but I think asking for reassurence is a bad thing and that makes me very confused. She has her own stuff to deal with and i feel bad she’s has to deal with me. I want to support her and make her feel good but she always seems to have to be supporting me. She shouldn’t have to support me I should be able to support her. She said she loves me and I really don’t deserve that 4/5

And I’m scared I’m not good for her. Because shes ace and I’m not and I don’t want to do the thing anyway because it is scary and doesn’t sound fun but my body does and that makes me think maybe I’m bad and dont actually respect her. I don’t like that my body reacts in that way it feels horrible. But I want to respect her and I really want to support and make her feel safe like she does for me. But what if I’m like my dad and hurt her? I love her and don’t want to hurt her 5/5

Hi Anon,

It is 100% ok to send us askslike this.  There is a lot here so I’m goingto try to address just one thing at a time, and hopefully I won’t miss anythingin the process.  If anything seemsconfusing, feel free to write back and ask questions.

About whether or not you can say you wereabused: If you were hit sometimes, it’s considered abuse.  I did a search to check, and abuse is definedas the cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.  The example is "a black eye".  Even being hit a single time is enough to call it abuse,if you want to.  If you would rather notuse that word because of how other people react to it, or you just don’t likeframing the experience that way, that’s okay too.

About being autistic andits influence on your parents: Being autistic does not make itokay to hurt you.  Being a difficult kid withor without autism does not make it okay. I assume your parents have tried to justify their abuse of you bytelling you how difficult you were as a kid. Please know, that is just an excuse and nothing more.  It is not justification.  They know it’s not a good reason, but theywill fall back on it because it makes them feel better.  It is never okay to hit children.  

About what you can orcan’t tell your partner: Why could you not tell your partnereverything that happened to you?  Was it likea real-world time constraint that prevented it, or more like you weren’tready?  It’s okay to take as much time asyou need to open up to people at your own pace, and hopefully you will havemany more chances to talk in the future.

About getting scaredwithout having a clear reason to be scared: You might want toconsider seeing a counselor or therapist, if those services are available inyour area.  Or you could call ahotline.  It is possible that you’reexperiencing spontaneous flashbacks or that something is triggering you withoutyou realizing what it is.  Aftertraumatic events like what you described, it’s common for people to take a longtime processing it, and those feelings can be as strong today as they wereyears ago.  This is a normal response.  

About being scared totalk about and express how you’re feeling, and the rules for differentrelationships: It is understandable that you would feel afraid to do things thatusually ended up getting you hurt.  It’s okayto feel that fear and recognize it, while at the same time understanding that,at least with your partner, you are safe. It’s great that she’s able to give you this open place to talk aboutanything.  But also, it’s okay if you don’twant to talk about everything just yet. You can decide what to share, and how much you share, when you’re ready.

About where you are andare not allowed to stim: Unless you are seriously harming yourself or beingparticularly disruptive, it should be okay to stim in most places.  Also, you are allowed to stim anytime, anywhere,no matter what age.  It is notillegal.  People may find it annoying,but you are still allowed to do it.  Of crouse, it is usually less awkward to find a place you feel more comfortable.

About signaling topeople that it’s okay to hurt you: Stimming is not a signal thatwelcomes abuse.  There is nothing youcould do to signal to someone that it’s okay to hurt you, short of telling themword-for-word that it’s okay, or making a sign that says it and showing people that sign.  I will assume herethat this is another thing your parents taught you, to try to get you tocontrol your stimming more.  The vastmajority of people would never even think of hurting someone just forstimming.  Bullies and teenagers are theexception.

About expecting to behit: When you are used to being hit in the past, it makes sense thatyou would expect that to continue with different people.  It will take time to get used to the new wayof doing things, and hopefully you will get to the point where you don’t expectto be punished for things like infodumping. You can take cues from your partner and work on apologizing less for talkingabout your interests.

About being lucky andbeing deserving: Your partner does sound great and I’m so glad you’ve been luckyenough to find them.  It’s wonderful thatyou feel so safe with your partner.  But Iwant you to know that being lucky and being deserving are two completelyseparate things.  You are absolutelydeserving of a great relationship and partner. There may have been times in the past when you were single and not solucky, but you were always deserving.

About your mom’snegative comments: It is really unkind of your mom to say things like that toyou.  You are good enough.  This seems like another way that your parentsmight be trying to control your behavior. It is also a form of verbal abuse. Your mom should be happy for you having this good person in your life.  Trust that your partner will let you know ifsomething’s wrong.  Everyone outside ofthe relationship gets No say in whether you are or are not enough for yourpartner.

About asking forreassurance: Asking for reassurance is hard for a lot of people, because wearen’t used to seeing it happen, don’t know how to go about it, or just feellike we should be more independent.  Somepeople confidently go through life never doubting themselves, and good forthem.  But for the rest of us, it’scommon to wonder if we’re doing the right thing, saying the right words,behaving ‘correctly’.  And it’s just ascommon to feel self-conscious about voicing those concerns out loud, because then we’redrawing attention to the behavior we’re self-conscious about.  But asking for reassurance is a great way tobuild your confidence, and your partner has given you an open space in which todo it.  Each time we ask, and get thatpositive reinforcement that things are okay, we can put good points towardwhatever behavior it was that we were concerned about.  Over time they will build up until we feelconfident that it’s okay to keep doing it without feeling so much doubt andanxiety.

About guilt and support:It’s great that you want to be there for your partner, and you’reprobably doing things that make her feel good that you don’t even realize.  It’s true that everyone has their own issues todeal with, but it sounds like she’s got a good handle on things.  The best thing you could do for her wouldjust be to let her know that you’re available to talk to about whatever shemight be struggling with.  And then lether come to you when she’s ready.  Likeall of us, she is making her own decisions, which means that if she didn’t likebeing there for you, she could choose to stop. She doesn’t ‘have’ to deal with you. She chooses to, because she cares about you and wants to invest timeinto your relationship.  Hopefully she isalso taking care of herself, and that might be one way you can return hersupport: ask her if she needs anything, or if she’s taking enough time to restand eat.  If she says she’s doing good,trust her.  You don’t have to check onher every day, but just occasionally checking in can still mean a lot.

About deserving love: We kindof already went over this but here’s a friendly reminder: You DeserveLove!  You have always deserved love andyou always will deserve love.  One goodway to respond to being told that someone loves you is to let that person know how you care for them as well.  Loveshouldn’t make you feel guilty or like you aren’t good enough.  When she tells you she loves you, it is agift purely to make you happy and reassure you of her feelings.  You can accept the gift without worry.  

About being attracted to,and respecting, someone who is ace: The attraction your body feelsis completely independent of your ability to respect your partner.  We cannot control feelings of physical attractionany more than we can control feeling hungry or tired.  It’s all hormones and chemicals in thebrain.  It’s okay to have thosefeelings.  What matters is what you chooseto do about them.  You are respecting herso long as you always communicate before doing something together.  When it comes to physical acts, consent is #1.  Anything short of an enthusiastic ‘yes’ is nota good enough answer, because if they aren’t enthusiastic about it, it’s probablynot going to be enjoyable.  Talk to herand find our what things you both would enjoy doing.  You might discover that even with her beingace, she could enjoy doing a whole range of different things that aren’t sex.  Everyone is different.  If those aren’t enough, you still have a lot of options.  You might consider learning about ways tosatisfy yourself, or polyamory, or changing the relationship to a platonic oneso that you can search out a partner who wants the same things.  It’s clear that you don’t want to lose her,so look at ways the relationship can evolve. People change all the time, and if we want relationships to continue, weoften have to communicate ways to change the relationship too.

About behaviors we learnfrom our parents: You might have picked up on a pattern throughout all this, aboutthe choices we make.  You care so deeply,and you’re very aware of the ways in which your parents hurt you in thepast.  The fact that you are so concernedabout not repeating their mistakes shows that you’re going to work hard to makesure you do the right thing.  If you havenever hit anyone in the past, you’re unlikely to start now.  And if you begin to see your behaviorbecoming more like your parents’, pause.  Take a step back and think about what you cando to change those behaviors.  You get todecide what kind of person you will be in the future, and what kind of partneryou’ll be.  You are capable of makingdifferent choices than your parents did. I fully believe you will choose to be lovingand kind.

Good luck!

-Miss Fay

[dxmedstudent]

Hey dx. Hope you're well. I don't know if you remember this ask, but I'm the anon who asked a few months ago about supporting a friend in med school with depression and finding it a bit much. A lot has happened since then. She's sadly left med school and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Currently she doesn't really have stable periods and is either high or low. I got kind of ok with having boundaries with texting etc/meet-ups only when actually able to. Part 1

Part 2. Anon supporting friend here. Recently she’s been high and has been messaging me nearly all day every day/asking if I’m there if I take time to reply/constantly updating me on what she’s doing/sending me all her family pictures. I’m finding it really stressful and overwhelming, tried turning off my notifications yesterday but still keeps going. My own anxiety is flaring up and I’m stressed hugely with workload.

Part 3. Anon supporting friend. I’ve told her I take time to reply because I’m stressed/overwhelmed and yet the messages keep coming. I know she’s hypomanic/manic so she probably sees things in a different perspective atm and forgets that it’s too much. I’m wondering whether it’s worth asking her to please message a little less as I find it overwhelming to get so many messages each day, or whether it will just not work as she isn’t in her right mind. Part 4. She has got professional help in place. She’s fallen out with her other friends because they don’t message her when she’s low etc/her best friend has distanced herself from her because she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to not be friends but I need to work something out! I’m trying to remember she’s ill but I’m starting to feel unwell too. Any advice?! PS. I know this is an extremely long ask and that you’re very busy, so please take your time if you need            

Hey, I’m glad to hear from you again. I’m so sorry for my late reply; I rread your ask at the time, and thought about it a lot. But I had to take some time to process my own life problems and mental health, and I couldn’t really give most of my asks the time or energy they deserved, so I had to leave them until they could. Which is kind of the theme of this ask, ironically. But I hope late is better than never.  Thank you for your message at the end of your ask, it’s very much appreciated :) I’m so sorry that your friend’s going through a rough time, and that you are, too. I’m so sorry to hear that she left med school; bipolar is a truly difficult illness, she has been on a really tough journey.  I’m glad she has professional support; that’s always a huge deal because the right treatment and support can revolutionise people’s lives. I’ve seen it, and though I don’t think the way we treat mental health is perfect, I do think we can do so much good by acknowledging mental illness and treating it properly. And taking people seriously. I’m glad to hear you started to work out some boundaries that worked for you; it’s tough, but it’s good to hear that you made some progress, even if it doesn’t always work out as  well as you hope, it’s still progress. You’re right to put your own wellbeing first; it’s hard for us to support others if we’re being brought to a mental breakdown ourselves. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn, but you can’t serve others with a broken/empty cup. I think it’s a really fair idea to turn off notifications to avoid overloading yourself. She can keep going; thats OK. You can’t control your friend’s mania, or how ‘full on’ they are; perhaps not even they can. Unfortunately, that’s part of the illness. And it seems you understand that well, deep inside. She might process things differently, and I think you’re an excellent friend for doing your best to support them, and understand what they are going through. I’m putting this under a cut because it’s long.

Everyone reacts differently to being told the truth, so only you will know how they might respond. Sometimes we can just tell people ‘sorry, I’m not feeling well so I might not respond much’. Sometimes we invent excused to be kind or because we aren’t ready to talk about the entire story; in my view, in personal* settings, it’s OK to tell white lies not to hurt people sometimes. I’ve told friends I’ve been sick or oncall when I couldn’t attend events because I was physically exhausted or not feeling well, because I really cared about seeing them but didn’t want them to think I was not coming because I was not bothered. However, with close friends I’m honest, and the vast majority of the time, if I say I’m oncall, it’s because I’m actually oncall. I don’t like fibbing, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, so it’s a fine line, but I’d rather feel a bit guilty than make others feel bad. It might be OK if you tell her that you sometimes need time to reply because you are overwhelmed; have you ever discussed your own mental health issues with them? Do they get that you get really anxious or overwhelmed? It might depend on how much insight they have into their own state right now, and perhaps it’d be difficult for them to moderate how they act, or how they feel about it.  However, if you find yourself having to take quite a bit of time to yourself, don’t feel shy to just tell them “I’m not ignoring, you, I just wasn’t feeling well and had to take a break, I’m listening now”. Or you could say “I care about all your messages, and I always read them all, but sometimes I can’t reply to them all at once because I’m busy/overwhelmed/tired/unable to process it all”. If they get upset because you haven’t replied, it might help to reassure them that you do care (because this is, deep down, what they fear”, and that you care about their wellbeing, but that other issues in your life have been stressing you out, too. And that you just didn’t want to bother them with your stress, so needed to take some time out. There are ways of discussing it that don’t outright lay the blame on them, or make out that they are the cause of your problems, when it’s not true, and therefore avoids making them feel guilty for things outside of their control. Something can be not the cause of our problems/stress and still be overwhelming, and if you’re able to be honest with them, I think that’s a good way to put it across.  As well as the idea that in order to be truly there for them, and have enough energy and time to be able to support them, sometiems you need to take time out to process the other things in your life. Work, uni, family, love life, etc, whatever it is. Telling someone “I have a lot of thigns in life that are stressing me out, and draining my energy, and sometimes I need to take some time out to process/fix them, and rest before I can chill with you and help you, and be happy with you, because otherwise I’d spend my time with you stressed and miserable and might make you feel worse” makes sense. I can’t say if that would work for your friend, but I feel a lot of people would understand that. In the end, I am sure they care about you, too. But because of their own illness and issues, deep down they are probably terrified of losing you too. They know that their illness can make things harder for them, harder for those around them, and they probably feel really bad about that; we all beat ourselves up over stuff like that. Reminding them that you care, and want to be there, and want to be strong and rested so you don’t bring them down with your own problems is actually a kindness to them. I remember publishing a similar ask/anwer/post by someone else who answered a similar question, because it reminded me of you and your ask. I hope you saw that, it might be tagged under my #mental health and medicine tag. You come across as a supportive, loving friend who is doing their best, please don’t feel guilty if you have to put yourself first. I hope you and your friend take the time you need to heal. * In professional settings, we’re bound by the rules of probity. We don’t lie in medicine. TBH my parents raised us to NEVER LIE, which makes working in medicine easier because I’m a terrible gulty fibber who likes to follow all the rules and who doesn’t even like parking in the wrong place, much less anything exciting.            

[masslessobtrusion]

This was the last conversation I had with Lauren before she passed away...

It’s unedited besides some names and cities. Lauren It hurts me and stresses me out and triggers me to know you're high right now and I just celebrated my 90 days completely sober from everything yesterday and I want to cry and because of that i can't talk to you for my sake and well-being because this is the first time in my life I have put myself first and I feel great except I'm stressed out now. It's nice to have a sober support group to help, but still ?? Lauren I can't talk to you because I cry and it threatens this great thing I have right now and want to hold on to Ryan I've actually been clean. I'd rather have you as a friend than be high. Lauren That's fucking awesome!! But I need time still and I'm learning patience too Ryan No one talks to me, everyone cancels their plans on me, just because I told them about it. I really need a friend. Lauren It's hard to see you and very confusing and uncomfortable I can't talk to you. Ryan what if I flew you to ****on august 26th. no access to anything and the maywether/McGregor fight is on. the pool is heated, it feels awesome I'll do anything to have you as a friend. Going to home was a nice change in my routine. rollcall is banned forever, markets went down. There's no getting anything. Lauren All I can say is if you want people in your life, open yourself to the idea of AA and get yourself a sponsor and find a way to see what the program is all about past the God stuff. Because what it's really all about is a bunch of fucked up people who have lost everybody and everything getting together and making friends and supporting each other. You will find friends and support through AA. Lauren That's all I have to say. Bye. Ryan Hey, please don't do this. I'm totally good. So many people cut me out of their life. I stopped benzos and kratom is down to one small spoon in the morning. i'm lifting weights. I'm feeling good about uber. Lauren Join AA. Ryan ok Lauren not that you join. Just go. Every day. Ryan if that's what you want me to do to be friends with you. I'll do it. Lauren You will find people. Ryan I don't really want people like that. Just my old friends who don't use. Lauren That's what it will take. AA. Just keep going. Ryan I'm glad it's helping you. It is, right? Lauren More than anything. I have legit friends now and most of all I have support for anything that's bothering me Ryan I figured this would happen. But was hoping that you could not cut me out your life. I won't do anything to hurt you or your sobriety. I promise. Keep me at a distance for a while. But please don't cut me out. Lauren I stay away from guys like they suggest because of 13th stepping Ryan I saw your new fetlife. ?? Lauren AA has changed my life. And no, I don't believe in God. Ryan But I'm glad you're not getting 13th stepped. Lauren I have to until you're completely sober and have a sober support network through either smart recovery, na, or aa Ryan Could you be my support if I need it? I don't care about drugs. I just want a friend to bullshit with. Lauren I can't because men stick with men and women with women for distraction purposes Ryan and you've been my best friend for a long time now. I don't care if you have a boyfriend or you're getting tied up and stuff. Lauren Do AA. You'll meet people and see them everyday at meetings. Its nice Ryan I like you so much. It would be devastating. I'll do it. I have a pinball tournament tonight and am possibly meeting up with arielle, her boyfriend, and ashley. But feel like they'll flake. But I'm still playing pinball. I'll go to a meeting ASAP. I promise. I mean it. Lauren It would seriously be the best thing you ever do. You'll thank me, I promise. But you have to keep going even if you think it's a crock of shit at first. People start off going in pissed off all the time until they start to realize it helps. Ryan I'll probably do NA though. The way you're talking feels like you've be indoctrinated into something that excludes people. I'm glad that you're safe and being healthy though. but i want your friendship. It's pretty much the most meaningful thing to me. and to lose that. I would have nothing. I've been hanging on, waiting for you all of this time. I want to be a positive influence for you Lauren I wouldn't say that. I would say check out both. I've found the people in AA are better but na is more relatable People in na tell more war stories so it might be a better place to start off because you'll have stuff to talk about. Thing is though more people go to meetings high than in aa Ryan I met a new girl too. Nothing serious. But it's a confidence boost. And you're still #1 to me. Lauren All I can tell you is that If you keep going every day you will meet people you can relate to and who will be there for you Ryan actually, I probably won't see her for a long time, because she's moving. okay, I love you though and want you to be my best friend. What's the word? Standard? Just, no matter what. Always be available to me. This attitude that you have is good. You're in control and you set the rules. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be abandoned again. It's the shittiest feeling. and I don't want you to say it's selfish. Lauren I'm available if you get sober because once you're sober, in order to stay sober it's a good idea to avoid people who are using or drinking. It makes sense... Ryan Because you're the only person that really knows me and one of the very few humans that will talk to me. Lauren sober Ryan would be like the Ryan I first met biking... trail running... Ryan I didn't do anything bad. I won't in the future either. Lauren POSITIVE. http://www.*****.org/meetings Meetings | ***** Area of Narcotics Anonymous The 8888Area is part of the *** Region of NA with meetings in ***, Brighton, Longmont, and Louisville, Nederland, and Westminster. ********.org Ryan guhhhh, my cardio sucks, but I've been lifting dumb bells and push ups and I gained some weight. I'm like 155-160 Lauren it sucked when you first started doing it years ago but you got past it and felt great! I remember. You were so confident! it's such a relief to hear you're on the right path Ryan shoulder pain still controls me. Lauren really. Ryan yes. Would you want to go to STL with me next month, get an airbnb? or I could fly out there? Lauren Here. Go to the Longmont one at 7pm tonight while it's still fresh from talking to me http://www.*******.org/meetings/wednsday Ryan and you can see me being healthy and sober. I have plans tonight. Pinball and possibly friends. But definitely pinball. Lauren I'm going to be at the halfway house next month. I'm staying with my uncle until a space is available it's a tournament? Ryan yeah Lauren then go tomorrow http://www.*******.org/meetings/thursday Ryan and i wanted to see if arielle and her bf wanted to get happy hour sushi before. Lauren seriously, ignore everything "god" and just meet people Ryan and ashley said she would hang out and smoke weed with me from a guy she knows that grows and she bought a bunch. but everyone flakes out. Even Robin did for camp dick, planned it 2 weeks ahead. Then he tells me his friend is having a going away party that weekend a few days before. Lauren well I hope everything works out Ryan I'll go tomorrow. Lauren let me know how it goes otherwise don't message me because it'll just make me sad ?? Ryan cool well, not the sad part but yeah, i'll do anything to keep our friendship going. Lauren you're going to meet people. that's what I think is going to be the best and when they ask if anyone's there for the first time... introduce yourself as Ryan and say it's your first na meeting ever Ryan okay thanks for the tips, anything else? Lauren people will come find you and introduce themselves. it's cool how friendly people there are. because they remember what it was like yeah... hang around awkwardly afterwards or bum a cigarette from someone and talk to them if no one comes to you lol Ryan If I do well and meet your expectations, can we hang out? people don't even talk to me at pinball. i hate it. sooooo many times, i start talking to someone and they just start talking to someone else Lauren maybe once you have some clean/sober time under your belt Ryan 15 days so far Lauren that's what's so cool! addicts love to talk to other addicts because they're blacksheep too no alcohol? Ryan i drank at my parents less than they did Lauren dude I found not drinking at all has helped with my mood SO much. just saying for me. Ryan I don't really drink alcohol though. Lauren i know you're going to meet people who are a lot like you I think you'll be surprised Ryan that's a possibility, but really. I'd rather just not have anything drug related in my life. Lauren "hey I'm Ryan. I'm an addict. It's my first time at any kind of meeting like this" Ryan I'm going to check it out though. Lauren thanks Ryan You'll be safe in St. Louis. Lauren it's going to be a while Ryan and we could watch the fights Lauren one step at a time. Ryan well, should I sell my vouchers then? Lauren yeah Ryan :( Lauren or find someone else because i can't go Ryan that was a little dramatic of an emoji Lauren oh lol Ryan but i just wanted a sad face Lauren got it Ryan so, how is fetlife? Lauren I have to go but I'll let you know I just chat with people and still haven't met up with anyone Ryan it kind of worries me. Lauren the tail pic is from my friend Richie who we webcammed with the one time (first kiss/high school friend) it was casual. Ryan doesn't seem like a sober living thing to do. But I suppose it's your rules. Lauren yeah, I'm more looking for a girl Ryan nice want to see the girl I've been hanging out with? Lauren no dude! Ryan ok Lauren hah ouch. talking to you hurts me enough Ryan oh Lauren but anyway I have to go Ryan I didn't mean to do that. I got the feeling that you didn't care. Ok, so, can I still talk to you and stuff. I'm so lonely. Lauren I just can't help but want to help you feel like you used to and find friends shit i'm so fucking up you really can't ?? Ryan I don't want rehab friends. I want hobby friends. Lauren it's part of my treatment plan and stuff that's not even AA related Ryan cool, I like hearing that you have a plan. Lauren yeah. i'm just doing what they tell me because i don't ever want to go back to drinking like i was a couple months ago or shooting dope obviously my decisions don't exactly work so i'm letting them make decisions for me... weird as that sounds. but it's working well so far ?? Ryan then don't talk about it until you're good at it. awesome I just hope you don't get taken advantage of mentally or physically. Lauren nah, i'm still ultimately in control of my life Ryan you're my #1 human. I don't want to lose you. I'll go tomorrow. Let you know about it. Lauren anyway, i can't talk to you for a while. but do the na/aa thing to make sure you stay sober (the counting days part is kind of cool too) and then we'll talk in a couple of months. but go everyday as something to do and a way to socialize and get out of that apartment Ryan a couple of months? why? I would never do that to someone. Lauren because i'm still fresh and easily stressed and because i want to make sure you're committed to this sobreity thing Ryan who is asking for help and it's me Lauren i'm letting you know it's what I feel is best for me it's a couple of months. it's not a couple years. Ryan okay, but I'll support you too. Lauren you can randomly message me with how many days you have Ryan I feel like, just empty. i knew this would happen. Lauren if I don't respond don't think I don't care... know that I'm seriously smiling Ryan my intuition, you know it's legit. Lauren you've got this . Ryan we're no different than the hundreds of stories I've read Lauren now go out and meet people! *hug* Ryan I'm willing to support and help you with whatever you want. Lauren bye Ryan You're giving me a "god bless" like southern women do when they really mean something else. it's not necessary. fuck now I have absolutely zero people who I thought care about me. I've reached out to so many people. This isn't helping anything. If it were, I would tell you. You're super hot too. I don't think you realize how much of a difference that makes. Why not make me go to a reddit meetup or something, maybe I could network instead of focusing on drugs with current and former addicts. I've always disliked other users. You know this. Just bringing up counter arguments. annnnd Ashley just flaked out, didn't see that coming. Arielle flaking out should happen in about an hour. I may go camping by myself, just not ask anyone to go, because they just flake out 9/10 times. Dude, I have no one to talk to. and I want to talk to you. I'm going to go crazy talking to myself, without you responding. Can we set up a schedule to talk? Ryan I'm telling you that this hurts me. It does. I hate being abandoned, not invited and flaked out on more than anything. I feel kind of used too. I was there for you all of this time. All of the phone calls. And then I'm abandoned when I'm doing what I consider good. Those people are going to tell you to tell me to fuck off. That's what makes me think about cults and seperation. It's black and white. And I'm not black and white. so, i'm begging you, whatever is in your head. Just treat me like you used to. Please, I'm desperate as can be. So, can we set a scheduled time, so there isn't random ghostings. annnnnd Arielle just cancelled. Lauren And this is why I fucked up in talking to you. Now I feel guilty and stresses out. Learn patience. Good. Bye. Ryan What did I do? I'm asking for help and friendship. I'm being nice as can be. Am I not? Tell me what I'm doing wrong, so I can learn from mistakes. and im blocked wtf, you really just unfriended me? Lauren? please I would never do this to you. You don't feel like it's wrong at all? i'm just going to cry and remember that everyone treats me like shit. I'm some worthless piece of shit. So I deserve to be treated like one. I would never ever treat you or anyone like this. Lauren I blocked you then realized there was a take a break option then unblocked to do that but realized,you can still message me and now I have to wait 48 hours to block you So please let me take a break! Ryan Don't block me Lauren For my Fucking sobriety This is why they tell me not to talk to you! Ryan why, even think about it. I want you to be sober. I'm being supportive. Lauren I'm stressed as fuck now You're NOT! Ryan Yeah, they do that to everyone. It's like a cult. Like I said earlier. I've read hundreds of stories. But you can make exceptions. If you have a friend in need of help. Lauren You're making me feel guilty and stresses and cry because you're not letting me go for a while Ryan I'm not asking for much. I said I would go to an NA meeting tomorrow. Lauren Just PLEASE stop messaging me For me. Ahhhhhhh! PLEASE. Ryan I just want you to respond or have a certain timeframe of when you can respond to me. Otherwise I get upset. Lauren I. don't. Know. Ryan because I have NO ONE to talk to. absolutely no one. Lauren When you're 90 days clean and sober from everything, ok? Use meetings to help Now please Let me go This is killing me Ryan It doesn't have to be so black and white. I'm on your side and you're treating me like an enemy. I've always been on your side. I want to help you. Lauren Because you're being an enemy to my sobriety and my well being and it's selfish. Ryan I didn't do anything. I sent you pictures of a dog and told you77777 that I'm sober. I was being happy and stuff Lauren Leave me alone!!!!!! Don't talk to me. Ryan ok9 Get some sober time and then talk to me. But don't talk to me now. Thank you Ryan I'm fine and the most sober I've been in a long time. it's not a competition. but i will look elsewhere for friendship, or just cut myself or something. This sucks either way. I'm not going to be your enemy. Because I'm not and never will be. I just lost my best friend of 3-4 years. The closest friend I've ever had.

[sherlockmonkeesstartrek]

Hi there! Read your post, and GOD! After years of reading fanfiction about any fandom but The Hollies, you are like a dream come true! But sadly, I'm the least creative person, and I wouldn't know what to ask! Yep, my fav is Tony, and I love the second and third lineup (Tony, Allan and Bobby with Bern, Graham or Terry). If I imagine some smut, it would be some angry sex between Tony and Graham, even though they never clashed that much in RL. (1/2)

Hiii! I’ve seen your blog before and can I just say how much I love it

Anyways, I am totally digging that Tony/Graham hate fuck, so I wrote a little (6000 word) fic about them. I kinda got carried away, sorry XD So yeah, I haven’t read over it and I’ve never really written all that much about Tony before, so I just keep that in mine. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy; 

“Did you just,” Graham laughed, turning to look at the other boys in the studio as though for back up despite being well aware before even regarding their disapproving expressions that he was looking to the wrong people for help. Really, these comments were only to make light of the situation for himself, “Did you just see that? My god.” He turned back to where he’d just watched one of his bandmates storm out and sighed. “Tony Hicks. Who knew?”

Well, it seemed they all knew. They knew from the moment Tony started raising his voice, a odd spectacle for such a quiet young man, that he was capable of as much of a dramatic and aggressive exit as any one of the boys had managed before. Just because he stayed out of fights, stayed away from drama, didn’t mean he was totally incapable of getting involved. And the thing was, this wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t got into a fight, he didn’t instigate it. If anything, he was being patient for a good time longer than the other boys could. And when he did eventually snap, everyone agreed that he was totally valid in doing so.

Even the guy who started it, the very man who marvelled at the reaction in its aftermath. Graham had to admit he kind of went over the top on that one. He didn’t mean to start an argument. He just seemed to spark them by accident, and he wasn’t the type to back down on anything, even if it was better off if he did for his own benefit.

Still, he’d fucked up, what could he do now?

He shrugged off the negativity in the atmosphere and turned his attentions to finding his guitar. Where had he put it down?

“Guys, have you seen my pick?”

Not a peep sounded from his remaining bandmates. Casually, the rhythm guitarist looked up. He’d practically forgotten the fight in about two seconds of distraction. Apparently, it wasn’t so easy for the others, mostly because they had no interest in forgetting.

“What was all that about?” Allan was first to speak. He’d clashed with Graham many a time throughout the years, so wasn’t afraid to do so now. In fact, he felt inclined to do so to defend his mate and let his discontent be known to the perpetrator.

“What? Oh, the thing… nothing.” Graham muttered. He was outnumbered. Even he wasn’t on his own side about this. That was why he was so quick to try and ignore it. He’d done wrong. Something pretty fucking wrong. There was no reason to go off of Tony like that, yet he’d done it and… well… the not backing down thing, the trait that would get him killed if he wasn’t careful. He could see the headlines ‘English musician mauled by bandmates.’ What a way to go.

“Sure sounded like nothing.”

“Well, it was. He overreacted.” Ok, he didn’t even believe what he was saying, never mind whether Allan did, or Bobby or Bern. Basically, he was losing a war he’d inadvertently started with that minor battle, and that was pissing him off.

“Yeah?” Allan stepped forward, challengingly.

Graham ground his teeth, standing up to the challenge, “Well what do you want me to do about it now? Hu? Go and kiss him and make up so we can play some shit on another record we didn’t write. Oh sure.”

Apparently, kissing was a bit too much, but making up was exactly what Allan wanted. Graham sighed, frustrated as he turned to the door. He felt like a kid being told off by his parents, made to go and apologise to an annoying brother for aggravating him. Since when had Allan been so damn uptight? Oh yeah, since forever. Since he’d settled down with Jen. Even before that, in fact. He was suddenly so worried about what kind of music the band should be making or how much work they were all putting in or bullshit like that. Making music often isn’t something you can plan. It should be fun and exciting and…

…this had nothing to do with the argument. It seemed like Tony wasn’t the only one with a lot of pent up frustration. Graham rationalised that perhaps the guitarist should be thanking him. After all, it's not good for people to keep things bottled up without letting it out once in a while. And Tony constantly seemed so cool and calm, either he was getting it all out with some great sex every night, or he wasn’t getting it out at all. If the former was true, at least he was saving Tony’s chick from having a right good fucking tonight.

Actually, that was regrettable, depending on how you look at it. And as Graham wandered down the corridors, trying to find his bandmate, he found himself considering it from every angle. If he was Tony’s girl, he’d be a bit put out if she wasn’t getting anything out of him. He was handsome guy. It was the eyes, the slightly hooded, striking blue eyes. That was the first thing Graham thought of when he thought of Tony, the first thing he could imagine girls noticed. It was the first thing he noticed when he met the boy way back when. Though he may’ve grown into his ever youthful looks, his ears now were the right size for the rest of his face- or at least covered by a thick mass of fair hair curling down his neck- and he’d ditched the overly skinny look for a little more filled out and muscular, his eyes remained very much the same, as stunning and bright as they always had been.

What was Graham doing thinking like this of his mate? He laughed at himself, shaking the thought from his mind. He only had to apologize to the guy to get him back in the studio so they could finish a recording, not flatter him with complements of his eyes. Not only would that be really weird, but it wouldn’t work. Either Tony would think Graham was taking the piss or he’d get all shy. It was strange that such a handsome, sought-after boy like Tony was not used to receiving compliments.

He was doing it again, thinking about him like that. It would make it damned hard for him to face the boy if his mind was in other places.

Well not too hard. As soon as he caught sight of Tony in the loos, a cheekiness came over him, the same one that had persuaded him to go over the top on the little disagreement not ten minutes ago. He sauntered into the room and leant up against the wall by the door, arms crossed over his chest, one foot balancing on its toes beside the other, an expectant smile gazing at the guitarist who was washing his hands quite quietly. There was a bit of aggression in his actions. Graham didn’t think he’d ever seen Tony quite like this, letting something bother him to the point that his actions were affected. He wrung his hands beneath the water hard enough to turn his slightly tanned skin red and pressed the soap dispenser violently, causing the clear liquid to shot out and spray half on his cupped palm, half on the sink beside him. He then, after rinsing, pulled way too much tissue from the dispenser and threw the scrunched up, soggy ball in the bin with such force it popped back out, settling on the floor.

“Didn’t your mum ever tell you you should pick up after yourself?” Graham laughed, gesturing to the bin as Tony pivoted on his heels. He did not seem at all startled by the rhythm guitarist’s presence. In fact, perhaps he did already know that he was in there, hence the aggression in his actions and the casual way he regarded Graham as he leant back against the sink, his lips pressed into a hard, white line. He didn’t even bother to acknowledge Graham’s little comment. He just stood there, glaring.

“Come on, are you really going to be mad at me over this?” Graham sighed, bored of this already. He was also really starting to get bored of the silence treatment. It grated on him. He waited for a reply. None came.

His voice took a more impatient tone when he opened his mouth again.  “Look, I’m meant to apologise to you, so let’s just forget about this shit so we can keep recording and you can hate me afterwards, ok?”

The expression on Tony’s face changed, which Graham saw as a positive. At the very least it might be an indication that he might start talking and he was right.. It just wasn’t the response Graham had been hoping for.

“No, fuck you. You always seem to just bypass apologising, like you’ve done nothing wrong.”

Graham swore he didn’t mean to, but habitually rolled his eyes, which Tony obviously didn’t take well. He didn’t get angrier as such. He, if anything, looked disappointed. He had that ‘why do I bother’ look in his eyes, while which, in turn, irritated Graham to the point that had he been considering a proper apology, it was now definitely off the table.

“Mate, are you serious? All I did was disagree with you.” He said, any friendly tone now dropped completely.

“You fucking disagree with everyone.” Tony retorted.

“So you shouldn’t be taking it so fucking personally.”

“I’m not. I’m mad for everyone. I don’t know what the hell has got into you, whether it's fame or something, but you’re bloody unbearable at the moment, and the other guys can sit back and take it, but I’m not going to.”

“No?” Graham was now laughing at the younger man, amused by the determination to stand up to him. He thought it cute, and knew that would annoy Tony.

That, coupled with patronising him, and Graham knew he was heading to a breaking point. He wanted to see how far he could push his mate, since he was already in so deep.

“What are you going to do?”

Tony glared at his so-called friend intensely. His blood boiled in his veins, mostly those in his clenched fists that longed to slug the rhythm guitarist in the jaw. Oh, but he couldn’t, could he? It would make for bad press, unease in the group, which was the last thing they needed. Then again, there was a chance the fight would be settled with that one swing. Graham would know not to mess with Tony, he might learn a lesson or two about irritating the rest of the band and Tony would get out all the anger on his bandmate. When he thought like that, it was just too damn tempting. Not to mention that Graham, as he looked down and saw Tony’s skilled fingers curled into fists, practically asked for it.

“Are you going to punch me? Oh that I have to see!”

Well, he didn’t want to disappoint. Allowing all the anger he usually let go of build up, he jolted violently up, stalked towards the older man standing by the door and let the knuckles of his powerful right hand make contact with Graham’s cheek. Immediately, the rhythm guitarist stumbled sideways, one hand reaching to stop himself from falling, the other grasping his bruised cheekbone. When he steadied, he shot a wild look up at Tony, planning his revenge.

While Tony did feel pretty sorry, he wasn’t going to say it. It wasn’t he who owed an apology. The only reason he was considering it in that moment was because he didn’t really want to get into a fist fight, which seemed the way this was going, judging by the look in Graham’s pale blue eyes. Still, he stood his ground, waiting for Graham’s move.

Which turned out to be an attack, heading straight for the boy’s wrists. He wasn’t interested in hurting Tony. No, he was going to pin him down, make him beg for an apology. Once he had hold of one of Tony’s wrists, he spun him around, bending the arm up his back, applying enough pressure to have him totally under his control, then guided him to the sink area where he bent the kid over. A short hiss escaped Tony’s mouth as he pushed against Graham, writhed under his control. Graham wasn’t that much stronger than him, he just had the upper hand at that moment, in a position that made it near enough impossible to fight against.

This was also quite a compromising position. Even Graham had to admit he didn’t really want to be caught by anyone like this. For all the strength he possessed in that moment, his crotch was pressed against Tony’s butt, he had the boy literally bent over under him. No wonder why Tony struggled. But Graham was not going to let him up, not for anything.

He laughed evilly, “What’s the matter down there?”

“Get off!!! Graham, get the fuck off me!!!”

God, this gave Graham such a rush of power. He ignored how weird the moment looked in favour of bending right over and hovering his lips over Tony’s ear.

He caught a quick glimpse of himself in the mirror above the sinks. The oddest feeling waved through him that he refused to address. He shook his mind clean for a moment to say, “Is there something you want?”

“Get the fuck off me!!!” Tony yelled. It echoed around the room, followed by a low chuckle from Graham’s throat that had the younger boy struggling once more in anger.

“I thought you wanted an apology.” Graham teased, “You can’t be greedy and have both.”

“FUCK OFF!”

Tony lifted his head slightly, enough to also see the mirror. He looked so stupidly helpless under the weight of his friend, now baring down on his back. He met Graham’s gaze, gave him a filthy look until he noticed something. He saw a flicker of something in his pale blue irises. He’d seen it a few times before, most notably the time they’d all gone to that club with that belly dancer, the one they all had a crush on. Well, a crush was putting it nicely. They all wanted to fuck her. Graham was looking at him with a glare that would’ve been quite threatening and annoying- due to the cheeky smile on his lips- had he not also got that sparkle, that wanting gaze.

Did Graham want to fuck him?

“Oh my god…” Tony chuckled, turning his head downwards towards the space between sinks that thankfully wasn’t wet or dirty. Graham had been kind in where he’d pinned him down.

“What?” Graham demanded. He didn’t much like the feeling of loss of power that Tony’s laughter provided him.

Still giggling, Tony peered up a little.

“Are you turned on right now?”

“The fuck? Of course not!”

“I think you are, you fucking creep.”

Graham felt his cheeks flush. No way he was turned on. No way. Not even if he’d already kind of seen the excitement when he’d glimpsed the mirror. Nope. He’d deny it. He’d keep on denying it.

And he certainly wasn’t going to let Tony see the sudden colour in his cheeks. When the guitarist attempted to look in the mirror again, Graham snaked his fingers around his neck and twisted his head back to one side, resting on the surface.

“Listen, you’re the creep for even thinking that. Now, you wanted something, didn’t you?” He tried to regain the atmosphere from before. Both the boys were mad, and Graham was in control. He had Tony right where he wanted him and… ok so it might’ve turned him on a little bit, but at least in that moment Tony didn’t know.

He heard Tony make a breathy gasp. The position for him was awkward, but he was in no way screaming for oxygen. He barely even fought anymore. The smile on his lips, though, had faded in favour of a more frustrated expression.

“Yeah,” The boy said through gritted teeth, “I wanted you to get the fuck up, because you’re enjoying yourself too much.”

Graham ignored the indication of his pleasure in the position.

“Why don’t you ask me nicely?” He suggested.

Tony hid a smirk.

“And here I was thinking you were going to make me beg for it.”

Something, the same thing that had lit Graham’s eyes and coloured his cheeks, stirred within him again. He stared down at Tony, wondering what his next move should be.

He decided not to give the boy the satisfaction of knowing he was right. Or at least, he wasn’t going to get defensive. He wasn’t going to deny anything anymore, not outright.

“Alright, that seems like a good idea. Beg for me to get off you.”

Oh yes. That had Tony hesitating. It was a moment before he piped up.

“Are you serious?” He laughed.

In a low voice, Graham replied, “Deadly.”

“Fuck off.”

“I don’t hear any begging. I guess you like this, you like being bent over, do you?”

Fuck! Tony struggled once more, annoyed that Graham had somehow flipped this situation on its head, yet again. Not only did he have full power over his body, keeping him firmly against the sink, but he also had power because there was no way Tony was going to beg. He wasn’t a dog or a child and he certainly did not take orders from someone like Graham.

But what choice did he have?

“You can’t be fucking serious!”

“I told you, I am.” Graham chuckled. He decided he was going to have all the fun he wanted in that moment, letting loose a lodged phrase he’d been wanting to say as he waited for Tony to retort. “And since I am actually enjoying this, I might as well take advantage of it.”

Tony... didn’t get it. He was totally confused, thrown off by Graham’s admission. He really didn’t know how to reply. He really didn’t know how he felt about the whole situation anymore. He just knew that his neck was starting to hurt like this.

He tried to arch it away from the sink, only to have Graham push him back down, smothering him further into the countertop.

“Plea-“ Tony gasped. For a moment, he was about to beg. And in that moment, after hearing a small chuckle escape Graham’s lips, the fingers around his neck loosened. He was given a little leeway to move. Humiliated, he shut his eyes. Could he really do this? Could he really beg his friend for anything, a guy who he was still mad at, who he would happily kick in the balls if his legs weren’t pressed up against the back of his thighs? No, no he couldn’t.

Graham was beginning to enjoy the power again. Perhaps a little too much. But he’d half admitted as much, so he didn’t really care. He ignored the distinct feeling of swelling down south- he didn’t press himself too hard into Tony in case he could feel it- and instead directed his energies to thinking of something to say next, something evil, something that would really piss Tony off. Because it got him off, for some reason. Just the idea of the kid so helpless under him, conflicted as to whether he should humiliate himself or not, allow the older man to manipulate him or not.

He leant down again, hovering his mouth over Tony’s ear, the soft, fair hairs whispering against the curve of cartilage tickling his lips. Tony could feel his hot breath hit his skin. He cringed as he felt Graham laugh.

“What was that?”

“I didn’t say anything.” Tony muttered.

“I think you did.” Graham laughed, “Go on, you can do it and I’ll let you up.”

Not a peep escaped Tony’s throat for a whole minute as they stood in that position, so Graham decided to make it worse for him.

Since he’d first bent down and whispered in the guitarist’s ear, he’d got the urge to do it. The back of his ear looked so enticing. It was stupid and weird, but it wasn’t the only thing in the situation that fitted that description. There was a small sensation of this being a step further, but Graham had lost the ability to really stop himself, just as he had in the argument. He succumbed to the temptation and stuck out his tongue.

Tony felt a more humid breath against his skin, following a wet slap that sounded almost like a kiss being broken. Having no idea what was going on, his mind drew blanks until he felt it; Graham’s tongue dragged against the back of his ear, right at the tip of it.

And Tony found himself sighing involuntarily. He caught himself, eyes shooting open, body tensing, but the damage was done, Graham had heard it. If he could not tell by the way the rhythm guitarist abruptly paused, then he could by the chuckle rumbling low in Graham’s chest.

The older man, after his hesitation, completed the lick before closing his mouth and reopening it again. Suddenly, he had plenty of things to say.

“Now, if I didn’t know any better, I would say you enjoyed that.”

Tony had no reply.

“And you called me the creep.”

The younger man let his jaw fall slack, ready to reply, but the older man beat him to it.

“You’re a very bad boy, Tony Hicks.”

“Don’t say things like that!” He snapped back. His vigour, however, was beaten by the chuckles vibrating through his bandmate’s body. Did he ever stop laughing? Boy did Graham know how to piss people off. Tony wouldn’t be surprised to learn if that was the first thing Graham looked for when he met people, a way to really get right on their nerves.

“Well, you shouldn’t have moaned.” Graham warned, letting his lips fall a little closer to Tony’s skin, rather than his tongue this time, “Would you like me to do it again?”

And this time, even though given an option, Tony could not think up an answer. He should’ve said a definitive ‘no.’

That is, if that was what he wanted.

Suddenly, the conflict in the boy’s mind was still fixated on whether he should submit to his bandmate, only in a very different way, and with a very different answer he found himself reaching.

Without a reply, which Graham found annoying- he really hated being ignored- he let his lips close around Tony’s ear, kissing him this time before running his tongue over the flesh. Tony tried really hard not to enjoy it, but it’s pretty hard when such an act coaxed feelings like the pleasurable shiver rushing directly to his spine. His body tensed, though this time not out of discomfort. It was due to the beginnings of a tight pleasure pooling below his stomach. It seemed that, inside him, his boiling blood and flashes of red behind his eyes were starting to convert into a different kind of frustration than he’d felt previously towards Graham. Instead of the desperate want to punch him in the face, he really wanted to pin him down on the floor and have his way with him.

He’d never thought such a thing about a guy before, but in that moment, gender wasn’t a concern of his, certainly not to the part of his body responsible for his thinking.

Graham seemed to be taken over by the same appendage, as he began kissing down Tony’s neck, moving his hand out the way, and Tony’s hair, to reach the hot, slender parts of his skin. His hands, now free, ran down the boy’s torso until they reached his hips, which they grabbed with considerable force. He dug his nails in tight to the thick layers of fabric Tony was clad in, in hope of feeling his skin, his flesh, his bones beneath.

“Are you sure you want me to get up?” He giggled lightly between kisses. He was not going to give up teasing his bandmate for anything, and that was a fact. He’d gotten off on irritating him, he’d relished his humiliation, why stop now when things were just getting interesting.

Of course, Tony saw it as an annoyance, but that was exactly what Graham wanted it to be.

“Will you just shut up for a minute?”

“Oh, of course not!” He breathed, “I want it known that you got off on me bending you over and…”

Tony realised that Graham had gotten complacent in his pleasure. Despite the grasp he had on Tony’s hips, he no longer had the good positioning that gave him all his strength. In one swift movement, Tony twisted around under him and pushed him towards the wall. As Graham attempted to recover, Tony lurched at him and pushed his whole body up against him. His hands sought out Graham’s, pinning them to the wall either side of his head. Now he could see the light in the older man’s eyes, the desire he’d only glimpsed, the damaged he’d actually done to the left side of his face. It was already bruising. Hmm, they’d have to explain that to the media, those that saw them as good, clean boys, not the types who got into fights.

Tony doubted they’d see them as the types who liked other boys either, so perhaps a black eye was the least of their worries. He suddenly thought of the unlocked bathroom door, the studio that lay beyond it, and the one room where three friends, no doubt concerned about them, were and may not remain. There was any number of people who could walk in at the worst moment and see what they really shouldn’t.

But… if he went to lock the door, he’d lose his power over Graham, and boy had he been waiting pretty much the whole day- if not since he’d met the guy- for a chance like this.

He looked Graham in the twinkling eyes. The rhythm guitarist was waiting, waiting for a next move, aching for it. His stare was challenging, encouraging Tony to do something, anything, so the boy decided to risk everything to keep his position. He glared at Graham, thinking ‘you’ve no idea what we’re risking for this.’

His move, he decided, was to slide both his hands up, with Graham’s in their grasp, and hold them over Graham’s head. He found a way to keep both wrists pinned to the wall in just one hand, so the other could travel down his bandmate’s aching torso, down experimentally towards the waistband of his trousers. He looked so unsure. Graham did too, but his mind was now set on this moment. He needed this, he needed a release for his frustration and believed Tony could benefit from it too.

“I want this.” He whispered encouragingly. Never before had he ever so explicitly given consent, never had he previously had to, but it felt right in this situation, one neither he nor his friend had been in before. It struck a little confidence into Tony, evidenced by the quickening of his movements. He spread his hand over Graham’s hardness and lightly applied pressure. Graham gasped, to which Tony wanted to administer a little of Graham’s own medicine to him. He chuckled.

“Enjoying this, are we?”

Graham’s eyes met his.

“Now you can’t deny that you’re not.”

The younger boy shrugged, slowly removing his hand, much to Graham’s displeasure.

“I’m going to enjoy it a lot more in a minute.”

Curious, the older man watched. He wasn’t sure what part of his friend he should keep his eyes on; his face, his wandering hands, his torso, his… trousers. Eventually, though, the most interesting part was his hands, the one that lingered between both their crotches before turning upwards towards it’s owner’s waistband and those skilled, guitar-playing fingers hooked around the zipper of his trousers. He watched as Tony pulled down his fly and palmed himself through his boxers, straining handsomely against a thick bulge within them. He watched as Tony got off, pleasured himself, leaving Graham practically totally untouched, straining himself under far too many layers of clothing. The older man whimpered.

“This isn’t fair.”

With half shut eyes and a blissful smile on his face, Tony asked, “What isn’t?”

“I was winning. You’re a fucking dick. I had you…”

“Oh, but you wanted me so bad, you just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”

Graham recognised his own tactics. Oh, they were cruel. He smirked to himself, almost as a pat on the back for being so goddamned smart. If only he could just work out a way to tip the tables again in his favour.

In fact, he didn’t care much about being in power, he just wanted not to be left out. He wanted to be touched. He’d happily beg, though he’d never say as much voluntarily.

“Fuck, look at you!” Tony continued. Graham could see more bliss, more pleasure building up tight within the guitarist. It was quite a sight, a view that cause want to simmer below his stomach. He recognised the pleasure that Tony was affording himself and wanted some for himself. “Quiet for the first time today. If it wasn’t so illegal, I’d do this everyday to shut you up.”

Graham’s voice came out as a half strangled moan when he tried to speak.

However, he did managed to say, “You’d do it because you fucking love me, admit it.”

“I love it when you’re not pissing everyone else off.”

“You love me when I’m not pissing everyone off.”

“I like the peace and quiet.”

“I…” He gasped loudly, “…really just want to come. Tony, come on!”

Tony grinned. He stared at Graham, making his own pleasure more obvious with rolls of his blue eyes and bites of his kissable lips. He even took it to the next step, pulling himself totally out of the boxers hanging loose on his hips and tugged hard, in full view of his friend. If a high level of adrenaline, caused by frustration and desire, had not been coursing through his veins, he probably would’ve felt more than a bit embarrassed and self-conscious under Graham’s watchful gaze, but his levels of confidence were soaring. He was coaxed on by Graham’s words too, as humiliating and embarrassing as getting your dick out in front of a mate was.

“Don’t… come on, I’m aching. Tony…”

“If you don’t beg,” Tony wickedly said, “You don’t get.”

To his surprise, it seemed a lot easier for Graham to stoop to that level of indignity than it had been for him.

“Ok, please Tony will you touch me. Or let me touch myself. I don’t fucking care anymore.”

“No?” Tony gasped, now unable to control his tone, “That’s disappointing, I thought you loved me. I though you wanted me.”

“Alright, alright, I want you, you fucker. Please, I want you to touch me.”

“If I move my hand, are you going to overpower me?”

Graham was not lying when he replied, “No.” And Tony could tell. It was probably the most genuine thing he’d said all day. So, if a little gingerly, the guitarist removed his hand from Graham’s wrists and feathered it down his body. Helpfully, Graham’s shot down to his fly and ripped it open. He groaned as Tony’s hand wrapped around him.

Oh, it was way better to have someone else do that rather than his own hand, Graham decided. Just the unfamiliar touch was enough to improve it, but there was so much more going on. Namely, the fact that Tony had an idea of what he was doing. Graham was sure he could make many a joke about that, like that Tony wasn’t really so much of a ladies’ man as he was a ‘right hand’ man, but he wouldn’t dare ruin the mood, by cracking some awful, distasteful and mocking joke unless, like the jokes about loving one another, both of them would know they were merely in good fun. There was also the forbidden aspect that made it all the more exciting. It had not slipped Graham’s mind that the bathroom door was open and he was well aware of all the shit they could get into, least of all the prison sentences they could receive should something like this get out. But, instead of scaring them shitless enough to do something about it or stop, it enticed at least Graham to continue.

And he knew it would not take long. He’d been aching at the most innocent of acts. By the time Tony had his hand pumping at his dick, he was further than half way close to climax.

So, it came of no surprise to him that he was first to come. He spilled over Tony’s hand, moaning with his head tossed back against the wall. He thrust up into Tony’s hand until the shockwaves of pleasure ceased. Then he looked down at the younger man, simpering.

Tony gave him a dirty look back.

“It’s not a fucking race.” He breathlessly snapped, “It’s not good that you were first.”

Graham nodded, “I know. I was actually glad, because now I can do this.”

He reached out and clasped his own, capable fingers around the base of Tony’s dick and followed the boy’s movements until he let him do it on his own. It seemed Tony had the same thought as Graham; it really was better done by someone else. A fact he well knew from all the chicks he’d had, but when directly compared to himself, and faced with someone who knew what they were doing, oh it was perfect. A few short minutes later and he’d dirtied Graham’s hands. Thankfully, as both the boys did check, they’d managed not to get anything on their clothes, save perhaps for some water from the counter and the sinks.

Breathlessly, the two boys regarded one another. They grinned stupidly, disbelievingly, not knowing what to say next. What was the protocol here? There wasn’t even one. All they could do was go back to how they always were. Nothing had changed.

“So…” Tony’s voice echoed around the room. After all that noise, the sudden lull in that bathroom was both too much for the boys, and not enough. They wanted to talk, to fill the empty space, but really didn’t, because it would mean addressing what had just happened.

Graham decided to go about that in an indirect manner by, once he’d tucked himself back into his trousers and zipped himself back up, nipping across the room to the tissue dispenser. He brought two bundles of tissues back with him, one for himself, the other for Tony. With that minor distraction, they found their voices.

“…friends?”

“We always were.” Graham replied, “I know I’m pretty overbearing and all…”

“You can say that again.”

“Fuck off. I’m trying to… apologise.”

“Does that mean we have to go back and record a song now?”

They both looked pretty helplessly towards the door, nodding as though to answer the question for themselves.

“So…” Tony repeated, “Do you want to go first… or… or I can…”

“Nah,” Graham waved that idea away, “We’re mates again. We go back together.”

“Ok…”

Neither made a start to the door for a moment. Tony pretended he was making sure there was no more evidence of their ‘time’ in the bathroom, while Graham chuckled to himself to get over the whole situation. Then, as though they’d agreed, they strode together out of the bathroom, into the corridor of the studio, which remained quiet. They silently made for their studio, keeping their eyes forward, their hands in their pockets, undistinguishable expressions on their slightly flushed faces.

They then walked into the room where their three friends were sitting almost in wait of them. Allan stood up immediately, waiting for a verdict as to whether they’d made up or not.

Tony opened his mouth, “He’s a fucking dick.” He announced, though that was not news to anyone. What was a slight surprise, though, was the smile on his face as he walked off to grab his guitar, and the one stretching Graham’s lips as his watched him.

“Yeah, but you all love me.” He insisted.