#i will protect Ryan from all of you til the end of time

[imagine-silk]

I’d be down to ask for the quarry if you’re interested! How would the counselors react to their s/o saving them from a werewolf, and getting separated in the process, finally reuniting with their s/o?

》Nice. This is not all going to be canon compliant but we go on! Everyone survives the night.

【Dylan】

While you were trying to get the radio up and running the panel was knocked out of place. As the tallest you plugged it in place. The werewolf not only bit your hand but pulled you through the roof entirely and you were forced to run through the forest. Somehow you found your way back to the lodge where they were all huddled together for safety and warmth. You both rush to each other but Dylan stops when he sees your bite. A second of horror flashes over his face but is stomped out just as quick. Hands cradle your face to look you straight in the eyes and he says, "I love you." for the first time. "I don't want anything else to happen before you know that. I don't even care if you feel the same way just, know that." Not the time or the place you wanted to have that conversation but it happened that way. Bonus; if at the end of the night you're still infected he tells no one. There is no telling what the others would do. It's better just to struggle and combine your funds to grab an apartment. Any sight of a cure is dark so the best he can do is lock you up during the full moon. And he'll give anything to make sure you're okay at the end of the day.

【Jacob】

In her twisted little game, Emma convinces you to go with her after the truth or dare game where she kissed you. Her idea was that if you both made up in front of him he'd get over it. It's not too bad. When Jacob hears Abi scream you chase after him. He gets caught in a trap and a stranger pours blood all over him. Like Jacob you also don't think very hard about doing things so you attack him. It's almost laughable the way the man grabs you and walks away. Jacob can only yell as hard as he can. He was in to condition to move no matter how hard he tried to run for you. He spent the entire night wandering the woods. When he saw you in the police station he forced his way over to you, punching an officer in the process to basically tackle you. He made sure to land on his back. He already failed you once, he's not going to be responsible for you getting hurt again.

【Ryan】

The Hacketts captured you while he was protecting the group. It was either lose you or lose everyone and he hated every second that went by. He knew you would tell him it was the right decision but it still hurt. His trip with Laura was plagued with constant prayers that you were safe and not hurt. Laura comforts him by relating to him. She was in the same boat and that makes it easy to pull the trigger when the time comes. He finds you in the cages next to Jacob and you have to scream at him not to touch the fence. After freeing the two of you he tells you to run away with Jacob, begs you to. He'd been so reserved during your entire relationship, no matter how long, so you tearfully agreed. For the first time, and possibly the last, he holds you so close it hurts and kisses you til you're out of breath. At the end of the night and the morning breaks the cops round all of you up. You see him being taken in, blood smeared on his face, and his gives you a smile. It's happy, ecstatic, broken, and wants to cry all at the same time.

【Laura and Max】

Here's a bit of a dozy. You crash in the middle of nowhere with your boyfriend and girlfriend, she freaks out, a cop creeps you out, when you get to your job no one is there, and there was something that attacked your boyfriend, then immediately after someone kidnaps all of you. Travis puts you in the cell with Laura and you didn't know why. Why didn't he put you in a different place to keep you all separate? You found out why during the full moon. Laura got free and when you told her to leave she refused. When you all got free you were tasked with making sure no one got on the island with Max. He gave you both a kiss when you left. You didn't account for counselors to still be there which meant more people running around and another werewolf to account for. You thought Chris was the only bitten. Laura was nowhere to be found and the island had people around it, unarmed people thankfully. In the morning you were all taken into custody and found strange but not guilty. Finally you could go home without fear and have your lives back.

【Emma】

During the bonfire Emma kissed Jacob instead of you. The man who'd been chasing after her all summer because you both decided to not to reveal your relationship. It hurt in so many different ways. Of course a swim with her made it better. She apologized and admitted she didn't know what came over her. She just got so lost in the attention and made a bad decision. You didn't hear Abi scream so you made your way to the island with her. To say you weren't expecting a werewolf to interrupt your make out session would be a gross understatement. While she was winding up the rope you saw it was getting closer and closer and made a split-second decision. You tackled it down the latter just as you pushed her onto the zip-line. "Run." She barely got a hold of the line in time. She didn't want to but she did. Thank God you jumped into the water and narrowly saved yourself. When you meet back up at the station she apologizes again, this time hysterical. Promises she would never take you for granted or lie to you, she was going to make it official with you and tell all her subscribers. All while the police and counselors watched in awe and confusion.

【Abi】

You got bit in Nick's place and felt terrible after. Abi wanted to fuss all over you but you stayed as far away as possible from her. You were thinking the most violent, horrid things in your life. There was an anger clawing at your skin and you couldn't understand why. You kept asking to be left alone. Why wouldn't they leave you alone? She should get away from you. It got so much and so hot. Abi fussed over you again and it flipped a switch in you. You pushed her away and you don't remember what happened after that. You just woke up in the woods naked and cold. When the cops found you you went peacefully and scared. Nothing about that night made any sense, even when it was explained to you. When you saw Abi again she was playing with her hands beside you, twitching a little bit, and you knew exactly what that meant. Slowly you held her hand and she took that sign to lean into you. Yeah, you were going to be okay.

【Nick】

After Nick was bit he was very needy. He wanted you by his side all the time and you were so willing to do it. He was your boyfriend after all. But he was very harsh when he grabbed you and kept you away from the others, even Abi of all people. When he transformed in front of everyone Abi had about two seconds before he mowed people down and she shot him. You didn't see him for the rest of the night. He only gets to see you after the interrogations and begs for your forgiveness. He also makes the bold assumption you want to break up and cries over it while saying he understands, only for you to tell him he wasn't himself so he was kind of forgiven. But he did scare you so it's a hurdle you're going to have to get through. There's not a doubt in his mind he'll treat you as soft as he can as long as you're with him.

[kannagms]

Post #1 in a probable series of me complaining about 2024 presidential candidates

As someone who doesn't give two shits about parties or dumb shit you may have said or done in the past (unless you straight up murdered someone in cold blood or raped someone or something unforgivable like that) the only thing that matters to me when looking up candidates is policy. I've already been getting email campaigns from these fucks, hence why I'm just doing my research now rather than closer to primaries. I'm mainly looking for a solid economic plan. Why? Because my rent is increasing yet my landlord is removing previously included in the rent utilities and now I have to pay even more plus increased rent, but my pay isn't increasing. I'm living paycheck to paycheck (barely) and I had to pick up a second job back in January just to make ends meet. I'm also gonna have to pick up a THIRD job just to be able to cover the new costs. No one should have to work THREE jobs just to be able to barely afford rent and other monthly bills - not even factoring in groceries, gas, yearly car maintenance, and any other expenses that may arise.

Ryan Binkley almost had me ngl til I got to his shit views on abortion: "I'm proudly pro-life, and I believe that every life matters. I was thankful when the court overturned Roe v. Wade because I believe in the worth and value of every human life." My dude was thankful when the court took away this right. Binkley goes on to talk about children in foster care, which I think goes directly against his pro life views. According to his goals under his plan "Promoting a Culture of Life," he wants to:

Protect the ynborn

Make adoption easier and more affordable

Transform America's foster care system

Which is all good and fine- I agree that there are too many kids in the foster system and most stay there until they age out. Not a lot of success stories come out of foster kids who age out of the system (though, yes, I know there are some).

But for sure, let's just keep increasing the number of children who are placed in the foster system because their mothers were forced to carry them to term rather than aborting them. People abort for a reason, typically. It's not usually eh welp pregnant again! Time to get rid of this! (Again. I know this happens, but again, it's not always the case). Victims of rape who are forced to carry their rapists baby to term. Victims of incest. A kid who messed up and got knocked up who isn't ready to have a baby. ANYBODY WHO ISNT READY TO HAVE A BABY, BUT THEIR PROTECTION FAILED. A family who have been trying for months, years to get pregnant and they finally do but the baby screens positive for a fatal illness that will only lead to pain and suffering. I do not believe in preventing a woman from seeking abortion for those reasons.

[some-days-we-get-sundays]

Ryan Racism

The way yall don’t understand Ryan and actually are committed to misunderstanding her and mislabeling her motives is annoying. If she was yt I don’t think yall would be reaching this hard to paint her in such a negative light. And i’m speaking to everybody on this. Internalization runs deep. I’ve seen just as many Black folks not liking Ryan too. I think yall are really forcing it calling her emotionally manipulative, a user and abusive. I’ve been in emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships this is not that. First of all her and Sophie aren’t even really in a relationship right now as they are barely friends. Second, Ryan doesn’t have to be nice to Sophie. Sophie has acted like a typical Crow to Ryan in the past, and even said herself that Ryan had no future and was basically some thug. So I’m sorry if Ryan doesn’t kiss Sophie’s ass every time she sees her. Like can yall understand that Sophie just quit the Crows last week -_- don’t act like she’s been miss perfect this whole time. Also they both have “used’ each other to the others benefit. Sophie and Ryan’s “relationship/partnership” whatever you want to call it has pretty much been - Hey I can’t stand you but I need you right now. 

I also love how if Ryan shows Sophie any kindness for helping her or being on her side yall are like WOAH WOAH WAIT I THOUGHT SHE HATED SOPHIE NOW SHE JUST LOVES HER BECAUSE SOPHIE IS DOING WHAT SHE WANTS HOW ABUSIVE!! Like Jezusss let the girl have emotions. I already explained this in another post but Ryan has mixed feelings when it comes to Sophie and the Crows. So if and when Sophie does helps Ryan out GOOD but also when she’s not helping it’s like ok fuk you Crowphie why are you in my house (and honestly why are we acting like this was said with so much malice, she was literally almost teasing at this point and just being a little shit. if this was a yt girl yall would eat it up). What people fail to mention tho is that Sophie also has the same mixed emotions for Ryan. Because not too long ago she was throwing Ryan in jail and profiling her. They both have mixed emotions about each other and it comes out at different times. Ryan has stronger emotions about it because she was the one being locked up and profiled- BY SOPHIE (something yall casually fail to mention). 2.15 also SHOWS us why Ryan is so pissed, and why she has her guard up with Sophie (actually nearly every episode shows us why the Crows are trash). Yes Sophie has come through for Ryan but she’s still a Crow. And Sophie was actively choosing to be a Crow DESPITE everything. It had to take all of this for Sophie to come to her senses. I’d be irritated with her too and I’d make it known. *NOW* if after this episode, Ryan is still taking shots at Sophie or if she blames her for what happened to Luke THEN I would be upset with her. But right now she’s not done anything to warrant the hate. Also let me not mention how yall love Alice and she can do no wrong but you hate Ryan. And please don’t say it’s because she is the villain. It’s because she’s white and yall allow it. Next.

I hate how people think that if Ryan doesn’t kiss Sophie’s ass every time she sees her that she’s an angry moody aggressive manipulative Black girl. Ryan is allowed to harp on the fact that Sophie was working with the fuked up white supremacist Crows. Ryan is allowed to not want Sophie in her place. Also let’s stop acting like Ryan was cussing Sophie out and degrading Sophie and trashing her and making her cry every second. Sophie is grown. If she didn’t like Ryan or didn’t like how Ryan treated her she would have left the hang out, she would have not helped Ryan, she wouldn’t keep hanging out and having drinks with her. Yall actin like Ryan is a bully and like Sophie is some poor helpless little lamb is weird. 

Darker skin Black girls and women are misunderstood, misrepresented, and often hated. If we speak our minds we have attitudes, if we argue or we’re sassy or we just don’t take people’s shit then we’re mean and nasty, aggressive, hostile, and abusive. We don’t have to look any farther than Makhia Bryant to know that internalization runs deep and it’s often other Black women. I had to make this post because I’m noticing far too many people in this fandom hate Ryan simply because of her tone. She’s not an easy pill to swallow and she talks back and speaks her mind.She holds grudges and she’s a sass master and yall hate it. I feel like once again if Ryan was yt, more people would be calling her behavior towards Sophie, flirting, or you’d be coming up with reasons as to why she was acting the way she was. But instead, Ryan gets no grace or empathy. People just look for ways to crucify her and I can’t help but think it’s because she is a darker skinned Black woman and she is not docile. 

One last thing: I’m thinking about when Sophie says her and Ryan aren’t happening, “not even an enemies to lovers maybe” SHE CALLED RYAN HER ENEMY. Like pls stop acting like Ryan is just some big bully and oh poor Sophie. These two take the piss out of each other and give each other shit. Don’t make it into some “abusive” thing. 🙄

[redswanned]

Babysitting! Connie x reader

Modern!au; no warnings, just fluff 

Unsurprisingly, Niccolo’s new restaurant is a success

and he needs his wife Sasha to help him run things 

and taste test everything

with all the hustle of a restaurant, there’s no possible way that they could manage things and attend to their 10 month old son

 Insert you and Connie, aka Sasha and Niccolo’s other couple friend

and last minute babysitters

“Y/N THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

“Whoa Sasha, anything for my best friend!”

she handed you her little son Ryan

who was adorable as heck

he had Niccolo’s blonde curls but Sasha’s mischievous eyes

“OH, and he needs to eat of course!”

Sasha shoved a bunch of baby food and bottles into Connie’s hands

“Uhhhhh are you sure he can eat all of this?” asked Connie

“That’s my wife’s son, I’m sure he’d eat more if he could”

Niccolo earned himself a playful smack from Sasha after that

Niccolo being the protective dad told you and Connie Ryan’s schedule

Soon they left

and it was just you, your boyfriend Connie, and Ryan

According to Niccolo’s long ass schedule, you two need to feed Ryan in 5 minutes

you never thought you’d see the day where Connie went into dad mode™

as you prepared the baby food and bottle, Connie was too busy entertaining Ryan

he propped the chubby lil baby on his shoulders and walked around the house

it’s safe to say the house filled with cute baby laughter which melted you and Connie’s hearts. 

“You two are getting along well!”

“Yeah! He laughs at everything I do! Kind of like you!”

stahhhhppp it was true though this man had you laughing til you cried all the time

looks like Connie’s entertaining personality appealed to Ryan too

at the sight of his mashed up potatoes courtesy of his chef father, Ryan began to scream eagerly

the both of you just laughed

he was literally a mini Sasha

“Y/N.... can I feed him?” Connie asked shyly

how could you deny Connie being shy omg this is like super rare

“Awwww you wanna feed the babyyy”

“It just seems like it would be fun! How hard can it be?”

You handed him the baby food and spoon and placed Ryan in the high chair and wrapped his bib around his neck

As Connie began to feed Ryan, this child nearly bit Connie 

“WHOA CALM DOWN!”

Ryan began to laugh

then started to fuss because he needs his food n o w

“God, he’s too much like Sasha its kind of concerning”

you just laughed as the baby somehow finished the food in record time

unsurprisingly Ryan was still hungry

so time for his bottle!

Connie let you do the honors of feeding Ryan this time

because he doesn’t want to feel attacked by a 10 month old

something about seeing you cradled up and feeding a baby triggered something in Connie

like his heart absolutely melted

and his eyes softened. 

Ryan was falling asleep as he was drinking his milk causing you to notice Connie’s demeanor

 “awww are you a little soft boy now Connie??”

“What! No, it’s just, I can’t wait for our turn.”

omg you kind of jumped since you were taken aback by what he just said

you also kind of startled Ryan who began to fuss

you calmed him down successfully and once he fell asleep

you asked Connie what he had meant

“hmm? nothing I’m just tired”

he curled up next to you and Ryan on the couch

something about a peaceful sleeping baby changed the atmosphere

and suddenly both you and Connie were starting to drift off

Ryan ended up asleep on Connie’s chest and you were secured by Connie’s arm

nap time for everyone i guess

You didn’t realize how long you were asleep for, but the sound of Ryan stirring in his sleep woke you up to a beautiful sight

you’re boyfriend cuddling you and the cutest baby

is this was heaven feels like

maybe you do want this in the future

Connie woke up soon after to you staring at him

“Hey babe, what is it?”

“I can ask you the same thing” you smirked remembering what he tried to say earlier today

“Oh, that, well I was wondering if we could have our own one day?” 

he was already blushing awww

you wanted to mess with him in this state

“Our own what?”

“Y/N you know what I mean! Our own kid one day...”

aha he finally said it!!!

and of course you agreed

you knew Connie would be a great father

he was already pretty good with kids to begin with and has the best upbeat personality

he would be a cool dad

you kissed him on the cheek letting him know that you also couldn’t wait for the day you two would become parents

this soft moment abruptly ended with a nasty stank smell and Ryan crying

uh oh

who’s gonna change his diaper

“NOT IT” you yelled

“WHAT WHY ME!”

“YOU DIDN’T SAY NOT IT FIRST! Besides, you’re so eager to have your own kids one day a little practice won’t hurt!”

Connie and you got up and brought Ryan to the changing table

yes it stank but what do you expect

Connie surprisingly did a great job

until you realized the diaper was on backwards

*facepalm*

“NOT IT FOR FIXING HIS DIAPER”

“DAMMIT CONNIE!”

“dammit connieeee!!” 

oh no

Ryan just mimicked you

his parents can’t find out

meanwhile Connie was laughing his ass off

“YOU’RE GONNA GET IN SO MUCH TROUBLE FROM NICCOLO!!”

“AHH NOOO PRETEND I DIDN’T SAY THAT!”

Connie was almost crying from laughter as you begrudgingly fixed Ryan’s diaper

welp

if this is what parenting with Connie will be like then its entertaining to say the least

before Sasha and Niccolo came home, Ryan needed one more bottle

this time it was Connie’s turn and he did such a great job

he was making funny faces at Ryan as he held him close aww

soon the front door opened

Sasha and Niccolo were back!!

“Hey Y/N!! how was Ryan?” Sasha asked as she walked it

you told her only great things about Ryan because he was pretty chill overall

“His appetite rivals yours’ Sasha” said Connie as Ryan finished his milk

“Thank goodness his dad is a chef!” replied Sasha as she took her son

also! Niccolo brought you and Connie leftovers as gratitude

just as you and Connie were saying your goodbyes to the family

a little someone decided to speak up

“dammit Connieee!!” squealed Ryan

all eyes darted to you

“LISTEN I CAN EXPLAIN-”

“CONNIE WHAT DID YOU DO?” yelled Sasha and Niccolo

“WHAT WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME??”

“You obviously did something that would cause Y/N to tell you ‘dammit’“ explained Sasha

“THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE???”

“CONNIE, DON’T FUCKING DO THINGS THAT WOULD TRIGGER Y/N SAYING BAD WORDS IN FRONT OF MY SON” said Niccolo as he covered Ryan’s ears

“WAIT BUT YOU JUST-”

as all of this was unfolding you were just laughing

oh the joys of babysitting

you can’t help but to wait for you and Connie’s turn

[younghoax]

Marc Coney • New York City • 2001

“Everything will be different now. Marc’s gonna take care of us.”

He’s twelve and his mom’s smiling -really, genuinely smiling- as a man -Marc- stands in their doorway with his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face.

The man says, “Hey, Jordan. It’s nice t’meet you, kid.”

He’s got blood drying on his collar and his hair’s a little messy, but Jordan really believes him. Nick’s not been gone for long, but Marc’s taller and stronger and Jord’s got a feeling he’s got something to do with Nick picking up his shit and going for good last week.

“You too,” he smiles back as he watches Marc shut the door behind himself. He asks, “You staying for dinner?”

Marc laughs for some reason, ruffling Jordan’s hair as he passes him to flop down onto the sofa. “I’m staying for a while.”

The following months are awesome. They go to the park and shit, and Jordan has kind of outgrown shit like the park, but it’s just nice to feel so normal. Marc’s got a son; named after him, Jordan guesses, but he goes by his full name, Marco. He tags along sometimes - sleeps over on weekends and although they don’t have a hell of a lot in common (Marco’s got a year or two on him and is kind of a miserable asshole) but Jordan decides he can live with it.

Marc’s got so many friends that he’s lost count; everywhere they go, somebody stops him, and the guy has his own business and always ends up selling something, even when they’re on the move.

***

Thirteen years old and just now really understanding what a drug dealer is. Kind of embarrassing when it finally clicks into place, but at least now he understands where all the money is coming from. Some nights in the week, he hangs out at Marc’s friends’ houses and they all sit around a table and sort through different powders and plants and don’t even try to hide it from him since he admitted that he knows.

... Only problem with those guys watching over him is that, despite working for Marc, they don’t have the same friends as he does. He later discovered that it means they also don’t have the same protection. There’s this one night in September when one of the guys offers to walk him back to his apartment when he gets the okay from Marc.

“I don’t give a shit about school,” Jordan’s telling the guy whose name he thinks is Danny.

He’s one of the only names Jordan can remember, and it’s only because of the distinctness of his bone structure and the slit that he always has in his left brow. He’s younger than a lot of the other guys, but still somewhere in his mid-twenties.

The guy laughs though and, despite being a personal favourite of his, Jordan scowls at him and asks, “what’s so funny?”

He shrugs, says, “you’re just a kid. Marco was the same. You’re too young to decide what to give a shit about. Wait ‘til your-”

But he doesn’t get to finish because there’s a figure that comes out of nowhere, slamming him to the hard ground before a fist is flying into his face. There’s another guy with the first, and he’s got Jordan on the ground before the kid’s even realised Danny is down.

J’s breathing picks up, panting, panicking as this guy looms over him but doesn’t even say a word. He squirms, thinks maybe he’s not strong enough to push him off but he’s small enough to wriggle out. No such luck.

“Yo, hey hey hey,” Danny shouts, then pauses to spit on the ground beside his head, blood and saliva landing on the sidewalk as he tries to wrestle the man off of him. “He’s just a kid, man, c’mon.”

“You Nick’s kid?” The guy’s breath reeks, and Jordan shakes his head hurriedly. The stranger turns to Dan, and the guy that has the man pinned asks, “where the fuck is Nick? He fucking owes me.”

It’s just panic. Dan’s still down, trying to shove the stranger off but barely moving him an inch, and Jordan’s having no more luck. The man only has him by a hand on his shoulder, and it’s too easy and makes too much sense for Jordan to reach into his pocket, press the button--

“FUCK,” the man rolls off him and ends up in a hunched position on the ground. “Fucker stabbed me!”

“What the fuck,” the other says, and he must move as well because then Danny’s pulling Jordan up from the ground and shoving him behind himself. The knife falls from his hand, trembling as his eyes dart between the three men.

“He’s Marc’s kid. Marc Coney. You can’t fucking touch—”

“Shit.” The guy goes white – takes a few steps (limps) back. “Fuck, yeah, alright.”

Jordan doesn’t quite get what that means. He’s busy watching the hand pressed to the one stranger’s thigh turn wet and red as he holds his wound. The other man says, “Our bad man. Our bad.”

“S-sorry,” he blurts, then looks from the blood seeping through the man’s fingers to the knife on the ground, then to Danny and back again. “Sorry, I—“

“Don’t be sorry,” Danny interrupts, then looks the bleeding man dead in the eye and spits on the ground. Jordan’ll never forget that. How something so vulgar and disgusting held so much weight.

Spit at a man and you’re begging him to knock your lights out. If he doesn’t? You’ve already won.

Jordan’s pretty sure they slip away without a fight because they’ve heard Marc’s name, but when they’re a block away, Danny tells him, “you sure fucking scared them away,” then, “’ey, is this your knife,” as he looks at the weapon he’s carried from the scene. He adds, “shit, s’better than mine, keep hold of that,” as he looks down at Jordan with a half-smile, the orange streetlights bouncing off his hollow cheeks and darkening his eyes.

He still looks pretty handsome even with the cut on his mouth. A little menacing maybe, smiling despite the blood between his teeth, but he’s still just about the most powerful image Jordan’s ever seen.

When he takes the knife back, his hands aren’t shaking anymore.

Danny hangs around in their apartment for long enough to give Marc a play-by-play of the night, and the man seems pretty damn impressed by Jordan; doesn’t even seem to care how he got his hands on a knife. His son, on the other hand, sits on the couch looking unimpressed as he tells him, “that’s the stupidest fuckin’ thing I ever heard,” as he scowls between Jordan and Danny. “Who gave the kid a knife?”

Nobody cares.

***

Marc Coney is a big name. Jordan’s mom wasn’t joking a year ago when she said he’d take care of them. Fourteen years old and he can walk home at night alone because anyone that touches a hair in his head is practically sacrificing themselves.

He’s hanging out with this kid from school, Ryan, on the tennis court a few blocks from home. Jordan can’t remember the last time he saw it being used—not that they need to worry about that now, at ten o’clock at night in the winter. They’re both sat with their legs crossed; knees to knees in the centre of the court.

“There was blood on it for ages,” he tells him as he hands the knife over. “They came outa nowhere. I ain’t seen ‘em since.”

Ryan looks taken aback as he turns the knife in his hands, already flipped open. He’d jumped when Jordan pressed the button, but he figured he’d best do it himself to save the risk of his friend losing a finger. “Were you alone?”

“Neh,” Jordan shakes his head as watches the light bounce off the blade, then looks up and spots it reflect into the boy’s eye. Blue. Very very blue. And J’s never really got it, the way people go on about eyes. Never found that shit important. But fuck, are they blue. “Was with… Some guy.”

“So cool,” Ryan mumbles, right before Jordan leans over and presses his lips to his.

He hears the knife fall from the boy’s hand, and for a moment there’s a palm pressed lightly to his chest as Ryan kisses back, but then suddenly it’s shoving him away and Ryan’s looming and there’s fist pummelling into his face.

Then he’s by himself.

***

“What did he look like?” Marc’s asking a million questions before Jordan’s even said hello. “I’ll fucking kill him, I—”

“Calm down,” his mom grits through her teeth from the couch, but she’s sprawled out with her eyes shut so he’s pretty sure she has no idea what’s happening. The boiler’s broke again and she’s wearing her robe beneath the blankets and towels she’s under. She’s shivering like crazy, like she can’t control her body. Shivering so bad that her fingers are all crooked and cramped up--

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down! This was for me, everyone knows the kid, they know I—”

“It was just some kid from school,” he interrupts him, eyes darting from Marc to his mom. Can’t decide who to give his attention to right now. “Sorry, it’s nothin’, really. Doesn’t matter.”

Marc squints, still gripping Jordan’s chin as he inspects his eye. “Some kid? What’s his name? Last name? Does he—”

“It doesn’t matter, Marc,” he insists, bats his hand away. “It’s nothing to do with you, honest. It’s my problem. I can handle myself. I think mom needs--”

“Why’d he hit you?”

Shit. “I d’know, we… We don’t get along.”

“Fuck that. I wanna know his last name. He got a dad? Brother? Fuckin' uncle? What’s the name Jordan?!”

He shoves past the man, needs to find more towels or a coat or something. He spots his own bedsheets poking out from the other layers draped over her. She can have ‘em. “I don’t know, I don’t know! It doesn’t matter!”

“People don’t get punched for fuckin’ nothing, kid!” He’s not even sure who Marc’s mad at anymore as he grabs his arm and pulls him back before he makes it across the room. When he turns Jordan back around, there’s a vein bulging from his forehead. “I’ve got a reputation, Jordan, tell me the fucki—”

���I kissed him,” he snaps. “I- I kissed him so he punched me. Just some kid.”

The red in Marc’s face doesn’t fade, and the vein in his head doesn’t deflate, but he stops shouting as he seems to take a minute to catch his breath.

“Sorry,” Jordan says. “Wasn’t meant to worry any—"

Marc wears these rings; gold rings, some with jewels and some not. When the back of his hand strikes Jordan’s cheek, all he feels is metal.

His mom is passed out by then, so he takes himself off to his room and climbs into bed, just a bare mattress now. He lays down with his clothes on but doesn’t fucking cry.

***

Things are kind of off after that. Marc doesn’t have a lot of time for Jordan, and he finds himself hanging out with Danny and the others more often. Or, getting babysat by them – but he forgets that that’s what this is, sometimes.

One evening, sat with Danny and Marco in some flat he’s never been to, Marco tells him, “my old man told me about you,” with that same look in his eye he always has; void; unimpressed; probably stoned, now that he thinks about it.

Jordan just shrugs, just says, “okay,” because God knows he ain’t in the mood for Marco’s attitude when he’s still got a scab healing on his cheek from the back of his dad’s hand.

“Says I should keep my distance. Doesn’t like fags, my old man.”

“’Ey, don’t be a dick, Marco,” Danny says, then adds, “s’alright with me,” as he nudges Jordan’s shoulder, who just looks at him confused. “If you’re a fag. I don’t give a shit,” he clarifies. “My girl’s brother’s a fag. He’s a’right.”

“Fuck off, Danny.” Jordan stands. “Both of you,” he adds before he leaves.

He decides he doesn’t need a babysitter anymore.

[shaekingshitup]

Shae’s First Date

For anyone who is bored: the most brief (that I can recap because ya girl is a lengthy heaux) summary of my first date goes as follows:

EDIT: THIS SHIT AIN'T BRIEF. SORRY NOT SORRY 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ But I put a TLDR at the end.

I matched with a guy on Bumble who had some cool hobbies and some of which overlapped with mine. We talked daily for almost 2 weeks before we met up in person and the guy was a very big charmer/woo-er. Like if I was messaging this kid I was constantly laughing and smiling

Tbh this was a lil bit of a red flag to me becauae I'm like: "no one is this charming. Something has gotta be up" & I legit came up with a few different scenarios. But I chose to shelf them because people do that to me all the time.

Like I'm just a really loving person and I will gas people up or go out of my way to make them happy if I can and people always want to try me like that can't truly be how/who I am or if I'm doing it it's because I'm trying to get at that person and they are always wrong. All the way from best friends to new acquaintances I really just like when people are happy. I mean the world's shitty already, if I can make your day easier or put smile on your face I'm game!

So we're on the phone one night (stayed up to 3 am sacrificing my sleep talking to this dude 🙄) talking more about who we are as people, what we're looking for in an ideal partner, etc. I told him straight up both via call and via message that honesty is really important to me. I value honesty with myself and also with others.

So also in this late night call things got a lil spicy 🌶 🌶 I was honest and told him that I'm pretty much a blank slate. Never fucked/sucked, etc or had anything like that done to me. He was taken aback like everyone I share this with is. Apparently I'm some sort of unicorn 🦄 out here in these streets to all y'all hoes. He makes a comment about stealing a kiss from me the next night and I said "I might allow it."

But the point is. I told him what it was. I was honest. That's my truth.

I didn't tell him that I'd never been on a date/kissed anyone because he didn't ask. Maybe if I would've said something, things would've been different. But I can't "what if" what's already happened y'all!

SO, day of. We messagin and snapping. I'm allll ready. We're going to a drive in and I'd never been to one before so I'm excited. I'm also just committed to making this a good time because I easily get distracted and often don't stop to take my experiences in to experience them fully. So I said not today!!

I got snacks. All of his favs and some of mine. I brought drinks and a blanket. I looked good.

Like I said in my pre-date post: I didn't have any lofty ideas about this dude being my soul mate or anything but I anticipated a good time.

He picked me up at our designated location. My sister met him and got his license plate; because apparently I had enough sense to realize I didn't know this nigga but not enough sense to later realize I didn't know this nigga.

It wasn't gonna take as long to get to the drive in as originally anticipated. So we went to a local park and sat in the car and talked because the park was PACKED and ya know RONA!

It was somewhat awkward because it was our first time talking face to face. But we found a groove and I'm extroverted af y'all. So, I can get people to have a conversation.

Topics range from our days, music and conspiracy theories which he's really into. What kind? Like: Shakespeare wrote the Bible is one. A lot of people that we know from media aren't really the original ones that we were introduced to is another. Ya know like that Beyoncé is not the real Beyoncé. There's two Trumps. There's two Hilary Clintons etc.

So at this point sensible me is like: this can be the point where you go home girl. You're 5 minutes away from your place. You can just say this ain't workin and cut it short.

OPTIMISTIC/BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GIVIN/NAIVE SILLY ME IS LIKE: well, I 100% don't agree with anything you're saying just because you're saying it. But ya know, I don't know everything and I'm not in the business of judging people-especially since we just met and I don't want this human to feel uncomfortable. So, okay. I don't agree. But I won't judge. Let's just continue on.

If you haven't guessed by now which me I listened to, you may be just as silly as I am 🙃🙃🙃

But obviously I continued on and that's what I call mistake #1

So we're driving to the drive in. I'm realizing we're kind of different in ways. Most notable is that dude was raised Jehovah's Witnesses and celebrates 0 holidays & I'm in love with Halloween and at least birthdays.

We miss the drive in entrance due to my poor navi skills & he decides to smoke before we pull in. He offers it to me and I accept. This is mistake #2

Ya girl hasn't smoked in 6 years. I tried edibles recently. But that shit ain't the same. I really just feel like I said I wanted to be present and then I smoked and I was tired and everything was kind of dull?

So I'm high and sleepy but still a lil excited because it's my first drive in!! We get there and park and the drive in is really just a giant protection screen we all park in front of. Lmao. 😅 Idk what I was expectin but not that. But it was still cool. It's 10 and this movie still hasn't started because the last one is still showin credits.

Dude says he wants to chill in the back but he's going to the bathroom. I AM SLEEPY. THAT IS WHAT WEED DOES TO ME. Plus I was on the phone til 3 AM. So I'm like imma close my eyes before this thing starts since it's already late.

So while he goes to the bathroom I legit laid down in the back on a pillow because ya girl is a sleepy heaux 😴

He comes back and pits the pillow in his lap and is talking to me because this movie ain't started yet. My eyes are closed but I'm listening and everything and he's massaging my shoulders and whatnot. Eventually advertisements about common courtesy come on and what not. But that's not important and I don't move.

Soo he says something I'M ASSUMING IT WAS ABOUT THE KISS (I don't remember y'all. I'm about to skimp on some of these details because that high was really kickin in and I was feelin foggy.) But, I said "I would allow it." And he kissed me.

It honestly felt anticlimactic as fuck. Yeah my mind is kind of foggy because of the weed so I feel like I wasn't as fully cognizant as I would have been if I was sober minded. But also, it just happened

I'm in my head af. I've never done this and I'm sure I'm shit at it but I'm trying not to be ya know? Dude's tongue is in my mouth. His hand is under my romper.

So, I'm a roll with the punches kind of human and the rest of the film we pretty much are making out (lowkey meh), groping (I hate this word) & watching Deadpool ( for people who needed that detail)

As previously stated, all of this shit is new to me. But, I'm also not a "prude". I chose not to kiss/fuck anyone prior to this because it was what I wanted for a period of time. I couldn't do much in the date department because I was just not approached often or by people I wanted to entertain. But the opportunities for all that physical shit were presented and I chose not to just like I chose to engage in those activities on this date. I'm real big on not judging nor regretting those choices because those were what I wanted at one point and that's it. Soo if you got opinions about what I was out here doin, keep em to yaself.

We ended up making out and I feel like it was cool.. but just not great. We did other shit minus actual fucking. But it all just felt pretty muted to me. Not bad. Not uncomfortable. Just not great and I think in hindsight it was because I a) really didn't know and have an established connection with this dude and b) I was high.

He really wanted me to suck his dick and I was really hesitant to do that. Not even that much because I was checking off a lot of "firsts' or anything like that but because I swore I was gonna be shit at it due to 0 experience and that was what I told him. Like, I wanna be good at shit and also I would like if the person I was hooking up with was actually enjoying being with me ya know? Is that not a thing? Y'all just be out here tryna get ya nut and say fuck it to whomever you with? Lemme be a unicorn then. 🦄

But anyways, I did this and he says like nothing. I'm in my head af trying to recall upon all of my BP smut I've read and trying not to suck at sucking (SO THANKS TO ALL OF Y'ALL WHO BE WRITING SMUT!!). After a few minutes the car turns off and Ryan Reynold's ain't talking anymore. Sooo I take this as a sign that I should stop and tell him as much.

He turns the car back on so we can still hear the movie & I'm pretty much like half watching the movie and talking to him like: "Soooo. I did that and I feel like I was right." To which he responds, "I've had worse," which is like ya know the compliment of the century and the most reassuring feedback you can give someone who is insecure about shit they've never done.

We still ended up making out and I gave him a handjob and finished the movie. I can't recall if it was at this point or when he drove me home but he basically implied that I was a liar and that is the shit that literally makes me wanna go back in time and tell former me to never say yes to a date with this nigga.

He drove me home and I was pretty quiet listening to Ari Lennox (💕) and thinking/processing. He gets to my place and we're talking now that we're parked and tells me that he thought I probably wasn't right about never having sex before. He told me I probably just had sex like 3 years ago and it had been so long that's why I said that and that's why my pussy is so tight.

So, I'm real life hurt. I like to consider myself to be someone who has a good character and I am really big on honesty.

So I asked him why he said that if I told him from jump what it was. He told me that his ex lied a lot and that he just couldn't believe me..

And I know for certain that his assumption was independent of any of my actions. He literally just told me so. He projected his insecurities onto me. But I'm a sensitive ass heaux and that shit still shook me. PBS raised me right. I don't be out here lyin & I don't like when people try to tell me who tf I am.

We pretty much just ended up arguing about the night and he was doing it on purpose because he thinks it's sexy when women are mad. But when I get mad, I get done. If I let enough shit slide and you have the audacity to try and flip my script, I will fucking write you out of it.

Then I looked up at the time and realized I was sitting in this car arguing with nigga for at least 25 minutes. So I was just like: bitch, why are you still here?

I told him straight up that when I got out of that car he could forget about talking to me altogether and he was like: "I'll let you know when I make it home."

I told him he need not bother because apparently I'd finally gained some damn sense. I exited the car. He left. He hit me up when he made it home but I just deleted the app and removed him off of snap because I meant that shit.

TLDR; Went on my first date with a conspiracy theorist I matched with on Bumble and he told me I lied about my lack of sexual history.

[unwillingadventurer]

Today’s fic is Thirteen and fam and Jo Grant. Thanks @ilwinsgarden and also @human-nxture for the suggestions of 13 meeting past companions.

...

In the warmth of the late afternoon sun, a tandem bike travelled speedily along a country lane with the Doctor and Yaz peddling quickly as they passed the scenery by. With the Doctor in front, a helmet on her head, she peered back and smiled, her hair pasted to her face with the wind so she could barely see.

“You keeping up there, Yaz?”

“Keeping up, we’re on the same bloody bike!”

“There’s a stationary vehicle by the road up ahead, let’s go and see if we can help.”

“But what about the boys?” Yaz shouted.

“We’ve still got time to beat them. Come on.”

As they slowed down, the Doctor glanced at the yellow car that seemed to have broken down by the side of the road. A young woman was beside it, sitting on the edge of the car, and seemed to be in a state of meditation.

“I don’t believe this,” the Doctor said as she threw herself off the bike and removed her helmet before Yaz even had time to think and stop properly. “It’s Bessie!”

“Bessie? That woman?”

Yaz took off her helmet and looked over at the blonde woman dressed in an oversized fluffy coat in pale blue, teamed with a matching blue dress and knee-high boots. She loved that the 70’s was an experimental decade, she’d even dressed for the occasion in bell bottoms, a woollen tank top and platform boots that were much too high. She���d been very pleased when the Doctor had complimented her retro headscarf.

“Bessie isn’t a woman!” The Doctor sounded annoyed. “Bessie is the car. The woman is none other than the rather wonderful Jo Grant!”

“And you knew this Jo in the 70’s?”

“Certainly did. She was my assistant at UNIT.”

“You had a job and an assistant?”

“Well she was my friend mostly. And yeah did a bit of work in the 70’s…possibly the 80’s as well. It was all rather strange, timelines got a bit mixed up somehow, or quite possibly everyone was just high on drugs.”

“So, what’s the car got to do with anything? Just looks like some old banger.”

The Doctor gasped. “An old banger! Gold star deducted Miss Khan. Bessie happens to be a feat of engineering in a retro yellow package. Rather like me.”

“Yoo hoo!” Jo called from the side of the road. “I don’t suppose you could keep me company.”

The Doctor smiled and strutted over. “Of course we can, Jo Grant. We can’t have Jo Grant getting lonely, can we, Jo Grant?”

Yaz followed on behind and watched as the Doctor shook Jo’s hand.

“Have we met?” Jo asked, wondering why the woman knew her full name.

“Yeah you could say that. Where’s…the Doctor?”

 “Gone to get some tools to fix Bessie. Do you know him then?”

 “Well, yeah, you see, actually…”

 “She is the Doctor,” Yaz said helpfully and to the point.

 Jo gasped. “Not my Doctor?”

 “Same one, different face.”

“I’m astonished. I’ve seen other versions of you but not a woman,” Jo said, “but I must say well done. I’m all for women’s lib and all that. I do rather adore my Doctor though, so cuddly and well dressed.”

The Doctor looked down at her clothes, disappointed that her previous companion hadn’t complimented her own fashion. “Well I’m him or I was once.”

“And blonde too, no more dumb blonde jokes eh?”

“Gold star Jo Grant!” the Doctor said with praise.

Yaz bowed her head and kicked the dirt with her platforms, having only just had one of her gold stars deducted for being rude. “So, I’m Yaz, seeing as she didn’t bother to introduce me.”

“I was getting to that. Jo Grant this is the wonderful Yaz, my current companion, or one third of my fam.”

“Current?” Yaz said.

 Jo smiled warmly. “Lovely to meet you, Yaz. What a great surprise this is. You wait ‘til I tell Mike Yates about this, he is not gonna believe it.”

 The Doctor’s smile widened. “Mike! How is the old devil?”

 “Same old Mike.”

“And how’s Benton and the Brigadier?”

“Oh, they’re well, smashing fellas.”

The Doctor turned excitedly to Yaz. “They’re the best of the Earth, Yaz, saving lives and protecting the shores and no one knows they exist.”

“Thanks Doctor,” Jo said and giggled. “Oh, I do feel naughty saying that, like I’m having an affair with another…well woman I suppose!” She playfully slapped Yaz on the arm to which Yaz laughed.

Already the Doctor was making her way to the front of Bessie, lifting up the bonnet and peering inside. “I can fix this, no problem. Where’s the other me?”

“Needed to fetch his tools.”

The Doctor reached into her pocket and whipped out her goggles which she then placed on, and then pulled out her sonic screwdriver. “This does everything.”

Jo and Yaz watched on fascinated as the Doctor got to working on the machine, her tongue peeking out the side of her mouth as sparks flew around her. She was so immersed in her task that she hardly heard the roar of a motor pulling up beside them.

The car window rolled down and out popped Ryan’s head from the passenger window. “Ha, we’re so gonna beat ya!”

“How did you get that car?” Yaz said, folding her arms.

Graham leaned over Ryan from the driver’s seat. “Stop yakking, son, we’ve got a ‘north to south don’t use the TARDIS race’ to win. They’re stuck helping some old banger.”

Leaning up from underneath the bonnet, the Doctor scrunched her face. “That’s no way to talk about Jo Grant.”

“I meant the car, blimey Doc, I don’t make a habit of calling young ladies ‘old bangers’.”

“Ignore Graham’s eagerness at winning, he’s just so hyped to be back in his own era,” Ryan said.

“And don’t you be dissing it, son. I look like a right blinder in this tashe.”

And suddenly the car drove away at high speed and Yaz sighed as they were left behind with a trail of dust covering them. “They’re going to win! And I still can’t get used to Ryan in that afro wig.”

“You’ve got to hand it to them,” the Doctor said, rolling up her sleeves. “They really went all out.”

“You know those men in that orange Cortina?” Jo asked. “Had a boyfriend with a car like that, got up to a few things, ooh I shouldn’t say that should I?”

“Never mind that, Jo Grant, Bessie is road ready.” The Doctor grabbed Yaz’s hand, transferring oil onto her clean skin. “Yaz, we’ve got two egos to smash.”

“You mean we’re gonna nick this car from Jo?”

“We’re gonna commandeer it. Do you fancy an adventure, Jo?” The Doctor held out her hand.

“I’d love to. Ooh how exciting, a proper gals road trip.” She took the Doctor’s hand and grasped firmly.

Yaz and Jo climbed into the car and scrunched up close together next to the Doctor who was already in the driver’s seat. She lifted up her goggles. “You ready fam?”

“We’re so ready,” Yaz said, “as long as we don’t do a Thelma and Louise.”

“Ah spoil sport, Yaz. I’ve always wanted to do a Thelma and Louise with you one day.”

“Preferably without the cliff part, ta very much!”

Jo laughed. “I don’t mean to sound a bit daft but who are Thelma and Louise?”

 ...

Very close to the finish line of their long race across the entire country having to use a multitude of vehicles, Ryan and Graham stopped for a quick bite to eat, knowing they were ahead of the women and had time to spare.

“I needed that sarnie,” Graham said, wiping the mustard from his mouth. “You might wanna check that hairdo for crumbs,” he said pointing at Ryan’s afro.

“You might wanna check the tashe, Grandad.”

“We are so going to rub this in to the Doc later. The race, not the mustard.” Graham rubbed his hands together cheekily.

“Cool yeah but shouldn’t we get back on the road? We’re so close to the end.”

“Yeah you’re probably right son, don’t want to be too cocky.”

They were just about to climb back into the car when a yellow blur whizzed past them, so fast they had no idea what it was and they stood feeling rather dizzy at the sight.

“Blimey, what was that?” Graham said. “Think the mustard just blurred my eyes.”

“We don’t get tornadoes in England, do we?”

“Don’t know, son, but let’s get cracking.”

“Yeah you’re right, I’ve got a weird feeling.”

…

As the Cortina pulled into the finish line, Graham and Ryan were shocked as they parked, climbed out and realised that the Doctor and Yaz, along with new passenger Jo Grant, were already standing at the finish line, beside the bright yellow car, smiling and doing some kind of 70’s themed victory dance.

“How on earth did you get here so fast?” Graham said.

“You was that big yellow blur weren’t ya?” Ryan said and then slapped Graham on the arm. “I told you not to stop to eat that sarnie!”

“I can’t drive on an empty stomach. Hang about, how comes you can travel at the speed of light all of a sudden? I call foul play.”

Yaz started to shimmy from side to side. “Don’t be a sore loser, Graham, we won fair and square and we got to meet Jo. She’s really cool.”

Jo hugged Yaz from the side. “Pleasure is all mine, darling. Lovely to meet all of you and have a race against the boys, shame my UNIT boys weren’t here.” She looked at Ryan. “I have a feeling Mike might really be sad he missed meeting you.” She pinched his arm playfully.

“So, you’re allowed to use all your what-not and jiggery-pokery on that old car and win the race?” Graham asked.

Yaz prodded him. “Serves you right for stealing our scooters in phase 1.”

Jo grabbed Yaz and the Doctor’s hands. “I declare the winners, Yaz and the Doctor!” She then kissed them both on the cheeks and hugged the losers

…

“Thank you, Doctor,” Jo said as they sat alone on the sand dunes, looking out to sea, the breeze tickling their cheeks. “I had a fabulous day.”

“Glad to hear it, Jo Grant.” The Doctor sifted some sand between her fingers.

“You’re taking care of yourself then?”

 “You know me, as long as I’ve got someone to lend a hand then I’m usually alright.”

“Looks like you have some fun times with those three?”

“Yes. They’re not so bad.”

“And we had fun times too. You remember those, don’t you, Doctor?”

“Of course I do. You and me with Bessie and the open road. We had it all!”

“I don’t know how I’ll leave you Doctor and I don’t need you to tell me but one thing, was I happy?”

“You’re Jo Grant, you’re always happy. And the world is better for it.”

They smiled at one another and said nothing for a few moments, just appreciating the moment to enjoy one another’s company.

“Wait a minute,” Jo suddenly said, breaking the silence. “If we’re here with Bessie then where’s my Doctor?”

The Doctor scrunched up her face. “Oh, forgot about that.”

…

“Jo? Where are you? Jo?” The Doctor stood in the middle of the empty road, holding a tool kit and peering around in bewilderment. He took off his green velvet jacket, slinging it over his shoulder and rubbing his chin with his gloved hand. “Oh well, suppose the walk won’t do me any harm. Hope she hasn’t driven the old girl off a cliff.”

[evcnesco2]

･ﾟﾟ･｡ ( ryan potter demi male, he/him & they/them ) — 𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 TILDEN TOOTS, the TENTH year HUFFLEPUFF student ! i hear that the TWENTY year old is known to be CARING and EMPATHETIC and also very NAIVE and NERVOUS. however, if you ask me, the fact that they are a HALF-BLOOD and leaning towards the side of the ORDER is a lot more telling.

sidenote: i’m currently working on a more extensive bio page for tilden and will let you all know when it’s up.

THE BASICS

name: tilden terence toots

nickname(s): til, tilly

age: twenty

date of birth: september 22nd

gender: demi male

pronouns: he/him & they/them

orientation: biromantic demisexual

affiliation: order

occupation: student

house: hufflepuff

ABOUT

death tw,

tilden had a pretty simple life growing up. his parents both had great high paying jobs and he was able to keep himself occupied hanging out with his baby sister. his father was a world-known herbologist and his mother was a potioneer for st. mungos. from a young age, he was introduced to both herbology and potions and fell in love.

tilden was able to go to work with his parents and learned a lot about both subjects. he started taking care of plants and attempting to brew potions before he started hogwarts. he collected books on the subject and when he started to hogwarts knew a lot more about the two subjects than most second years.

tilden was nervous to start hogwarts, not wanting his sister to get lonely at home all day but his parents told him he had to go so he reluctantly got on the hogwarts express, waving goodbye to his family.

he was sorted into hufflepuff. at first, he was disappointed because his parents had been in gryffindor and ravenclaw. but he quickly realized hufflepuff was the best place for him to be and he ended up loving it. hufflepuff was his home and he ended up making a lot of friends in his house and out of his house.

over the summer tilden’s mother died in a “work accident”. this is what his father told him and his sister, but she was actually killed by some death eaters. he hasn’t told any of his friends about it because he doesn’t want them to worry about him. he tends to just pretend it didn’t happen and everything is okay.

tilden has been dying his hair green for a long time now. it started off as a joke between him and a couple of friends but then he found out he liked it and stuck with it. plants are green. plants are his favorite thing. it made sense in his head.

HEADCANONS

one. quidditch

tilden has always wanted to play quidditch. he thinks flying up in the air on a broom looks incredibly cool, but tilden has a huge fear of heights and falling. he tried out for the team in his fifth year and didn’t make it but has since become their number one fan. if he can’t be in the air playing for his house, he’s always there to support them in the stands cheering as loudly as possible.

two. plants

plants are the love of tilden’s life. he is always talking about plants. he knows so much about them and his heart is so filled with joy when people listen to him talk about plants. if he’s not covered in dirt from being in the greenhouse then something is up. he normally always has a plant with him or a book about plants.

three. potions

potions are the second love of tilden’s life. he was born with a natural talent to brew potions and understands them so well. his goal in life is to create potions to help herbologists. like come on its 1980 why aren’t there more herbology related potions?

four. the order

tilden has always supported the people who want to take down the death eaters. he was terrified to join at first because he’s not the best with dueling but eventually, he was convinced. he’s been working extra hard to perfect the art of dueling because he doesn’t want to let the order down. he would do anything and everything to help them protect the people he loves, especially since his mother died.

five. style

tilden dresses like a middle-aged dad when he’s not in his school robes. ugly sweaters and cardigans are his style and he loves it. he just wants to feel warm and comfortable because he is always chilly. he also has messenger bags with plant pins on them. tilden is also supposed to wear glasses but he doesn’t wear them 90% of the time because he’s forgetful.

six. family

family is everything to tilden. without family he wouldn’t have anything. since the death of his mom things have gotten weird. his father is always working on something or away on a business trip which has put a rift in the family. this has lead to him being more overprotective of his sister though because he doesn’t want her to feel forgotten.

seven. bartimus toad

tilden has a natterjack toad that he got before he started hogwarts his first year. he named it bartimus mctoad because eleven year old him thought it was hilarious. he now calls the toad barty normally, despite knowing full well that there is a student at hogwarts who goes by barty. it amuses him greatly.

eight. muggle things

tilden’s mother was a muggleborn so he and his sister were introduced to muggle things from a young age. tilden is obsessed with comic books and star wars. his favorite characters are garfield logan aka beast boy and yoda. he could talk about them for hours... just like plants.

CONNECTIONS

crushes: tilden has had a lot of crushes in his life. he can’t help it. he crushes easily on anyone and everyone who is even slightly nice to him.

exes: he’s dated a few people, likely didn’t last long anytime because he’s awkward and doesn’t know how to pursue relationships.

best friend: tilden and them have been close forever now. he treats them like family and would do anything and everything for them.  

friends: tilden has a large friend group because he’s so nice to everyone? bring me his friends.

people who hate him: likely purebloods who find him annoying because he’s so nice.

someone who tortures him for fun because he’s an easy target

someone he tutors in herbology or potions

dueling partner: someone helping him get better at dueling

the person who convinced him to join the order

[mabelmidnight-takeover]

things that i thought about in the other times i watched it chapter two but forgot and only decided to wrote it down on the sixth time watching it:

i hope there's a scene with eddie leaving myra on the deleted footage or on the supercut. although making the actress that made sonya portray myra as well was a smart move, i missed their argument and him leaving myra as a parallel to him leaving his mom. i dont think it was that clear that eddie was stuck in a cycle of abuse and, even though it's a bad thing, it's important for his character;

adult richie scratching his head after leaving the clubhouse because he probably got spiders on his hair was fucking precious;

still dont understand why they cut mike getting the bloody rock out of the movie. i was so lost the first time i watched it and then i rewatched the trailer and saw that scene of pennywise walking on the wall that wasnt on the movie and the disappointment just fell in. that scene is important, why the hell is not on the final cut?;

EDDIE AND BEN ARE SO FREAKING CUTE. ben's always protecting eddie and i did saw some people talking about some scenes but there was this one that my dumb brain just noticed this time and i almost lost it. when mike is about to open the floor door (???????? i dont even know how to call this in portuguese, im that Dumb™), ben automatically puts his whole arm in front of eddie and pushes him behind him. that was so soft my eyes got teary. eddie and ben in this whole movie is just too perfect to be true. love them, love their friendship, god bless jay ryan, pj and andy muschietti;

BOOK!MIKE FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH PENNYWISE AS AN EASTER EGG!!!!!!! I THink. im not sure. maybe it's just my desperate brain wanting connections between the movie and the book. but god i was so happy when i saw that. to be more specific, it's when bill is hallucinating and seeing the ritual and everything. when mike talks about its true form or something like that it just turns a big black bird that attacks a kid that kinda looks like young mike. i fucking LOST it. i was so happy. mike's and stan's first encounter with pennywise are my absolute favorite and they cut it from the first movie so seeing that small easter egg made my whole week;

LET'S TALK ABOUT BEN AND BEVERLY!!!!!!!!!! okay so first of all, jay ryan, i fucking love you, you made me love ben even more. a lot of people talked about how ben immediately knew something was wrong with bev so im not going that way. but!!! when he's trying to make bev talk, he goes after her, right? but he never touches her. when he comes in her way and they bump into each other he doesn't waste a second and puts his hands up to show he's not gonna hurt her, to show she's safe. bev instantly touches her wrists and looks at ben's hands and he keeps himself like that til she moves away. and then he keeps going after her but he never for a second tries to stop her physically. he wants to know what's wrong with her but he's giving her her space and respecting her and what she's been through. that's so meaningful for her. also, a line from that scene made me the happiest ever. ben saying "talk, just like we used to" made me all soft. "talk like we used to", ben and bev were close, they would talk about their lives, i know that's obvious but it's always good to say this: ben and bev were friends, they were family, they were important to each other, since the day they met. jumping to the blood and dirt scene, beverly was surrounded by the abusive people that haunted her from childhood to adulthood. when she was falling and almost drowning, she was scared and she was overwhelmed with the fake and toxic "love" she had to live with but then ben said he loved her, he gave her the love she deserved and she was able to stand her ground and say no to all that disturbing people and feelings she's been through wish i could say that for reddie haha ha h a wh ymust i hurt like t his

now it's more about the two movies put together than from chapter two alone. i can see why people think beverly was put into a damsel in distress situation but i don't agree that much. sometimes i feel like people think they ruined her character with this situation when it just made clear bev was everything but that. she wasn't waiting for them to rescue her, she fought back, she said she wasn't afraid. beverly was defenseless because it made her see the dead lights. but bev fought the entire time before that. and most importantly, bev saved the others much more than they saved her. and, again, i can see why people strongly think this is the case and i have no right to define your opinions as wrong or right. but i truly can only see as them saving a loser. she's their friend, their family, they got united because of her and even with the kiss I SAW YOU NOT MAKING RICHIE FLOAT AFTER SEEING THE DEAD LIGHTS JUST SO WE WOULDN'T HAVE THE REDDIE KISS WE DESERVE ANDY I SAW YOU (that to be honest felt kinda meaningless after they made her and bill kiss at the end), i can see why people think that, but i don't feel it's the case;

ben hanscom is the softest human alive. he getting all shy with the others saying he's hot, telling the others to let mike speak, going after bev cause he knows she isnt okay, being aware of her past and respecting her boundaries, saying bev wouldn't say those mean things to him, saying the losers are his real friends (that Hurt Me So Badly), going after richie, being all cute and happy because he thought he made richie stay, being the first one to ask mike if he's okay, taking care of eddie in the entire movie, him on the entire chinese place scene actually, and much more. ill probably gonna rant about him sometime soon but;

AND NOW LET ME TALK ABOUT MY BIRDBOY!!!!!!! okay, so. if the losers all met pennywise again after the summer's fight that means we can and MUST have stan bird watching and then encountering pennywise on the pipe, right???!!! AND, YOUKNOW, WEAKENING PENNYWISE ALL BY HIMSELF BECAUSE HE'S A POWERPUFF BOY AND DEFINITELY NOT THE WEAK ONE!!?!? we also didn't saw mike's but that's either connected to his token or a deleted footage so,,,,, ANDY PLEASE MAKE THE SUPERCUT HAPPEN, WE NEED STANLEY URIS BIRDWATCHING!!!!!!!

[thatgirlintheaudience]

Hadestown

Hadestown- August 8, 2019

I really enjoyed the opening of this show. The whole cast just comes on stage and Andre De Shields just commands attention with his presence. He holds the audience in the palm of his hands. The introductions of each character is really fun and the audience was really responsive. The whole cast just looks at Andre and it’s just a really unique way to begin a show, similar to Rent. 

When Orpheus was introduced and the spotlight shone on Reeve and he sang lala, my heart was like ahhh! Orpheus and Hermes’ relationship is so cute and Reeve does such a good job of displaying Orpheus’ optimism and innocence. 

I just love Orpheus and Eurydice’s relationship and Reeve and Eva so just get ready for me to gush over them, but, when Eurydice questions why she should marry Orpheus and Hermes goes “he’ll make you feel alive”, and Eurydice says, “that’s worth a lot” -that is one of my favorite lines for some reason. I just love how Eurydice has had this hard life and she’s kind of jaded because of it and doesn't see the way the world could be like Orpheus does and they’re just so cute together because of it. 

Wedding Song is so catchy and is just an amazing song that shows the contrast in Orpheus and Eurydice’s characters. Eurydice questions how they could ever have a wedding while Orpheus explains how it could be possible and once Orpheus creates the flower, Eurydice begins to believe and joins in singing with him. And then when Orpheus sings the song and he walks over these tables and then all of a sudden the carnation (I think) appears, like wow. This show just makes me believe in love. 

All the Epics are beautiful and uh yeah Reeve’s voice is otherworldly. I think that’s the one word I would use. I find his voice so unique and just so haunting and enchanting. 

Livin’ it Up on Top was so amazing. Amber Gray is such a star. Her acting and attitude and dancing was just so effortless. Plus she had the best costumes. The dancing in this number was also great and I’m so glad the ensemble of this show is getting the recognition they deserve because they really are an integral part. They were lifted up from the bottom to the top of the stage and they were all curled up in a ball and it took me a minute to realize it was actual people. And when it’s Orpheus’ turn and he goes “To the world we dream about and the one we live in now” and there’s a moment of silence and the he stomps his foot in silence and goes, “right now we’re livin it” and the chorus and band joins in, WOW. 

I could write an essay about All I’ve Ever Known. This is definitely one of my favorite Broadway love duets. It’s nice to see the transformation in Eurydice as she grapples with these feelings and grapples with having to need someone besides herself. And Eva’s handstand over Reeve, wow. When Orpheus holds Eurydice and sings “and suddenly I’m holding the world in my arms” that moment is beautiful and honestly breathtaking. 

Patrick Page’s entrance as Hades and his first line just makes me laugh because of that Live w/Kelly and Ryan performance. Anyway, when Eurydice sings “kind of makes you wonder how it feels” and Orpheus runs and wraps his arms around her. There’s also another part where Orpheus puts himself in between Hades and Eurydice. He’s just so protective of her! Then at the the end of Way Down Hadestown, Eva belts “way down” and it was great. 

Biggest shout out to the turn table and the lift and the band. I swear to god, every show should add a turn table. It just adds so much drama, I love it. I believe they use the turntable during the Chant reprise. And they use the lift for transportation to the Underworld.  

When Orpheus says “the gods have forgotten the song of their love” oh snap, that’s when stuff begins. I also did not even realize how relevant this show is to current times. I mean, Persephone complaining about the climate of Hadestown saying, “it ain’t right and it ain’t natural.” And Why We Build the Wall is pretty self explanatory. And just the power of art and music to change the ways of a powerful ruler, like wow. 

Hey, Little Songbird is creepy and Hades knows that Eurydice will appreciate the things about Hadestown that Persephone hates about it.

 THE FATES. When the Chips Are Down. These harmonies. Not to mention, they’re just so cool. Jewelle, Yvette and Kay are amazing. “You get a knife in the back” is my favorite part. 

When Orpheus sings “til the end of time, til the end of the earth” that’s love. When Hermes begins Wait For Me, I was just like ahh it’s happening, I’m not ready. I also love the backing vocals in this song and the Fates’ part is so good and just dark. The lights swinging out over the audience was amazing and the ensemble has lights on their heads. And Reeve Carney did not get Tony nominated for this role, people! Why??? Just for this number alone.

The a capella part in Why We Build the Wall is powerful. 

Act 2: 

Persephone saying, “step into my office” is amazing. “There’s a crack in the WAAAALLLL.” Enough said. 

Flowers was so sad and emotional. This song is lyrically brilliant: “Dreams are sweet until they're not/ Men are kind until they aren't/ Flowers bloom until they rot and fall apart.” Love this line. 

If it’s True is sad as Orpheus feels despaired at losing Eurydice but it’s also powerful as the workers can hear Orpheus and agree to be on his side. I think the turn table was used for this. 

Amber Gray was amazing in How Long? as her frustration builds up with Hades and she tries to fight for Orpheus. Chant reprise into Epic 3 was the highlight of the show along with Wait For Me. The use of the turn table in Chant reprise is absolutely amazing. I believe it was this part where Persephone was walking around the tun table looking exhausted and Hades looked at her, while Orpheus and Eurydice stared at each other. 

In Epic 3, Orpheus stands in the middle and gets lifted up as the music builds up. I thought “where is the treasure inside of your chest?” a brilliant line. The room is absolutely silent as Hades and Persephone sing their lalalas. Hades and Persephone's dance was beautiful and the music they play just sounds like spring beginning, it sounds like sunshine. 

Promises is so beautiful and Orpheus and Eurydice are just so trusting of each other which makes this ending so much sadder. When Eurydice says “take me home” it’s like wow, she has finally found a home where she feels happy and safe. Everything Orpheus says to Eurydice applies to her worries, especially when he says “I’ll walk beside you any way the wind blows.” 

And again the Fates are so good in Word to the Wise. 

Wait for Me reprise is amazing, especially when the Fates reprise their lines from Wait For Me to Orpheus. Eva’s belt is real and it’s brilliant. 

Doubt Comes In is really sad because unlike in Wait For Me, Orpheus is insecure and doubtful about making it out. It’s really heartbreaking when he says, “I used to see the way the world could be, but now the way it is is all I see” because we love Orpheus because of his optimistic quality he has that very few posses. And it’s really sad when he compares himself to Hades because he doubts his ability to compete against someone with that much power when Orpheus has so many valuable qualities. And when Reeve sings “is this a trap?” oof.  And it’s just a switch of personality because all of a sudden Orpheus is doubtful and Eurydice is optimistic about making it. So when Orpheus turns around it is devastating. The break and emotion in their voices as they say each others’ names is just gahhh. Eurydice literally drops to her knees and covers her face as she sobs and gets taken down to Hadestown. Orpheus drops to his knees and watches her go down and stays there with the saddest look on his face for a few minutes. 

When Hermes says, “it’s a tragedy” woah. and then he says, “but we sing it anyway.” Wow! It’s such a full circle moment, this show. I don’t know what instrument it is, I wanna say a trumpet, but the trumpet in Road to Hell reprise gives it such a hopeful quality. It gives me a new dawn/ day vibe. 

So they do curtain call and then they sing We Raise Our Cups. Amber looks straight ahead at the audience and says “good night brother” and then she raises her glass and goes “good night.” And just that moment was so good. 

So if you can’t tell I really enjoyed this show and I hope you enjoyed reading this!

[something-tofightfor]

Neon Lights - Epilogue (part 1)

Pairing: Ryan Brenner x Reader

Word Count: 6275

Rating: M (language)

Summary: The months following your chance encounter in Vegas change both of your lives.... but how?

Parts 1-11 can be found on my 500 follower event masterlist (at the bottom of my main Masterlist page). Thank you for reading. Please enjoy.

I’m not even going to apologize for the length of this, because I’m not sorry. There was still story to tell for these two. 

Tagging: @ooo-barff-ooo @agent-bossypants @likethetailofacomet

POV - Ryan

  He smiled at his phone, slipping it into the pocket of his jacket and pulling his scarf up over his mouth and nose. You’d texted him a picture of your most recent assignment: photographing some ruins in Peru along with a caption ‘I’m wearing sunscreen this time’ and he’d felt his spirits lift immediately, even as he sent back a reply ‘good. Gotta protect that face and those shoulders.’. Though the two of you had kept in touch after Vegas, it was often difficult to find a good time to talk, so your communication had been mostly through text messages with an occasional phone call thrown in for good measure when you needed to hear each other’s voices. Ryan wouldn’t ever tell you this, but there were days when hearing your voice or seeing your words popping up on his screen had given him the will to sit down and play, provided the motivation for him to write new music - had simply encouraged him to survive.

 He’d gone to Colorado as he’d told you he would, spending two and a half weeks hanging out with James, a friend he’d made a few years prior during a stint in the south, and then had moved further north, back into Utah. He’d stayed in Salt Lake City for only a few days before deciding that he didn’t want to be there, since he was constantly looking over his shoulder, afraid of seeing a familiar blonde head in the crowd, one that he had no interest in seeing again. Though he’d reached out to Virginia, she hadn’t wanted to see him, preferring to raise her son completely away from the lifestyle she’d used to live, which Ryan understood all too well even though it hurt.

 From Utah, he’d headed to Seattle, which had taken just over three days on the train, meaning that by the time he’d arrived, Ryan was ready to settle in for a bit. Georgie was there, staying with more friends, and Ryan had been able to relax for three weeks, making good money and saving a good portion of it, too, earned from busking and working a few hours a week in the kitchen of a diner.

 Ryan hadn’t thought about recording in a studio again, but on the trip between Utah and Seattle, he’d decided that he needed to buy a cheap recorder. Not only would that give him the opportunity to try out different things lyrically, but it would give him a frame of reference for the notes he played and the ideas that came to him. Rather than wasting his time trying to find something small and portable used, he’d gone into a Best Buy, told one of the employees what he was looking for and had handed over the cash - the $50 you’d slipped into his case the first night he’d met you comprising the bulk of it - for a digital voice recorder and a spare memory card, even though the employee had told him that the internal memory would be more than enough space for whatever he needed. Maybe for someone with constant access to a computer. Not for me.

 Ryan had sent you a text to let you know about his purchase the day he’d made it and that had resulted in a phone call from you - you were somewhere in California, having flown straight there from New Orleans, and that meant that you were in the same time zone. “That’s incredible, Ryan.” Your voice had caused his cheeks to turn pink, teeth digging into his lower lip. “You can keep track of everything now. Make sure when you play for people, you’re recording. That way, you’ll hear what you sounded like to them.” You’d paused. “I mi… I hope you’re doing well.” I miss you too, he’d thought, but had said he was great, that he was excited to learn the device, and that when he figured out how to use it, he’d be sure to record something special so that you could hear it.

 The phone calls and texts had continued for months as summer turned into fall and fall turned to winter. He was making his way toward the Midwest, knowing that even though it would be much colder there than on the west coast, he had more people to stay with, more opportunities to busk, and he was moving ever closer to the east coast, his ultimate destination, and where he figured he’d spend most of his spring. He’d called you on Christmas, from the living room of one of Georgie’s friends in Chicago, and you’d cried as he’d wished you a merry one, whispering the same back to him in a hushed and choked voice. “I’m with my aunt in Virginia” you’d explained. “But she doesn’t celebrate. She doesn’t think… thank you, Ryan.” His heart had broken for you, throat tightening as you’d told him you were in his home state for the holiday, but you’d quickly recovered, changing the subject and cheering loudly for him when he’d played you one of his new songs, and he’d known that you recorded it somehow on your end. “This is the best present ever, Ryan.” He had been astounded at how sincere your voice was, but  recovered quickly, his heart pounding. Tell her. As you’d prepared to hang up, still not saying goodbye - the two of you never did - he’d taken a deep breath.

 “I miss you.” He cleared his throat and you were silent for long moments.

 “Yeah,” you’d choked out. “Yeah, Ryan. I miss you, too.”

 He was in Indianapolis, two weeks after Christmas, and he was waiting for a train that would take him to St. Louis. There, he planned on staying with his friends Maria and Kenny, who had said that they had a job for him - a weekly gig that paid well. He figured he’d stay there for as long as they’d have him, play the gigs, write some music, busk on the side and put more money into his savings account.

 Though he didn’t like being unable to access his available cash, Ryan had opened a bank account while in Seattle, depositing a large portion of his money into it, and had actually felt safer once it had been out of the hidden compartment in his guitar’s hard case. It wasn’t much, but it was a safety net - and it felt good for him to have it, to know that if he needed or wanted it, it was there. He’d maintained his excited tone of voice when he talked to you about where he’d been and what he’d seen, kept the texts light, even though they weren’t always the whole truth. He’d started asking himself tough questions in Seattle, and had repeated them in every subsequent city - Could I stay here? Could I be happy? And each time, the answer was a resounding no, but not because of the location… because something, someone was missing. There was something different about the cities and the people he saw, something off about the way that the felt each time he got onto or off of one of the trains. I gotta figure out what… and why.

 Ryan waited patiently in the train yard for his ride to St. Louis, shivering as wet snowflakes landed on his face. He’d let Maria and Kenny know that he was on his way, to be looking for him the following morning, and Ryan took a deep breath, patting his pocket again to make sure that his phone was there before he made his way toward the tracks, crouching down. The trains were moving now, slowly picking up speed as he searched for an empty car, and when he found the right one, Ryan quickly slid his bag into it along with his guitar, moving at a slow jog as he prepared to heft himself up into the car with his things. Just as he flexed to jump, his boot hit a patch of ice and Ryan slipped, crashing to the ground. He put his hands out to catch himself, hearing a sickening crack as his right hand hit the gravel and he cried out in pain. “Fuck!” He yelled the word, allowing himself only a moment to collect his thoughts as he pushed himself up with his left hand and ran after the train, focused only on getting into the car with his bag and guitar.

 It was difficult with one hand but he managed, pulling himself off of the ground and into the train with a grunt, rolling across the floor and onto his back, his left hand cradling his right forearm. Maybe I just jammed it. After catching his breath, Ryan sat up, scooting back so that he could lean against the interior wall of the train car and gingerly prodded his wrist with the fingers of his left hand while attempting to bend the right ones. “Motherfucker.” He hissed out the word, wincing again. That’s my strumming hand, if it’s broken, I can’t… Ryan’s eyes flew open, looking down at his lap and then he reached into his pocket, intending to pull his phone out and call you, to ask you what he should do, but his hand met only empty space. He scrambled to his knees, eyes searching the shadows for any sign of his phone, but it wasn’t there. “No. No. No.” He was frantic and he was in pain, and Ryan was, for the first time in his travels, completely cut off from everyone, traveling alone through the darkness.

 Slumping back into the seated position against the wall, Ryan drew his knees up to his chest, carefully resting his injured arm between his thighs and waist and put his other elbow against one knee, forehead on his palm and fingers gripping his hair. Eight hours or so til St. Louis. You can do this, Ryan. He took a deep breath, opening his eyes and finding that they were filled with fresh tears - but not from the pain in his throbbing (and already swelling) arm. His wrist, even if broken, would heal, but by losing his phone, he’d also lost you.

 ---

 POV - You

  The new year was meant to bring new and exciting things, but it was only the middle of January, and you’d been faced with so much disappointment already that you couldn’t stand it. Ryan had kept you sane throughout your trips following Vegas, and you looked forward to your interactions with him, no matter how brief. A text here, a call every now and then, the reminder that he’d been writing and playing and thriving - these were all things that you anxiously looked forward to.

 It didn’t matter what he said or where you were, you always made time for Ryan. You wanted to hear about his time in Colorado, his brief trip back to Utah, again without going to see her, the time he spent in Seattle, his weeks in Montana and Chicago. Ryan had been busy, but he’d also seemed to be taking longer in each city, doing more to explore and discover what each had to offer. He seemed happy, seemed almost settled at times, in the sense that it wasn’t just about jumping ship whenever he got the urge - that there was value in staying, too. He was looking beneath the surface of each place he visited, searching for something. You, on the other hand, were experiencing a great deal of unrest, no matter where you went.

 Your trips had included New Orleans and San Diego, a quick trip to Texas to cover a company expansion as a favor to a friend, a short trip home to Philadelphia for Amy’s wedding in October, which was awkward as hell. You’d spent much of the night texting Ryan, who was in Texas at that point, playing two nights a week in a college town for decent money. You’d sent him a picture of yourself in your bridesmaid’s dress, nose wrinkled and tongue sticking out slightly and his reply had been the only time you smiled genuinely all night - ‘wish I could tell you to save me a dance. You look beautiful’.

 After the wedding, where Amy’s mother had suggested that you go home again, do something about the house you’d grown up in, you’d informed Ryan that you’d be out of touch for a few days and not to worry. You’d gone against your better judgement, hopping on a plane and taking off for Europe. The ‘few day’ trip had turned into a six week period during which you’d spoken to no one that you actually knew except Ryan, the texts flying back and forth between you as trains carried you across the borders of different countries despite the fact that you’d never told him why you left the States in the first place. You kept this secret because you knew that he’d tell you she was right, that you needed to deal with it instead of running, needed to take time and process things… and he’d be right, too.

 When you decided that it was time to get back to your real life, you’d flown home a few days before Christmas, heading to your aunt’s for the holiday. And it was during that holiday, after hearing Ryan’s newest song and him telling you that he missed you that you’d realized that you loved him, that a few days in Vegas six months earlier had irrevocably changed your life, and it didn’t matter because you’d likely never see him in person again. You hadn’t told him, of course, had instead jumped back on a plane to Peru a few days later and focused your attention on taking pictures of the jungle and the ruins, all the while looking for - and knowing that you weren’t going to see - Ryan’s dark hair and eyes looking for you, too. You had no way of knowing it, but he’d been looking for you in every city he went to, too - searching for your face every time someone passed by.

 You hadn’t heard from him in two weeks, since you’d sent him a picture on your second day in South America and he’d responded with a joke, and even though it sometimes took a few days to respond, weeks was another story. The fact that he still wasn’t responding to the texts you were sending had started to worry you - not because you thought he was ignoring you, but because you thought that something wasn’t right. Finally deciding to call Ryan, you pressed his contact button, listening with a dull ache in the pit of your stomach. After four rings, a female picked up. “Hello?”

 “Who is this?” She didn’t have an accent, and you didn’t recognize the voice. Maybe he left it at a friend’s house while he’s out.

 “I’m… I’m looking for Ryan.” The woman on the other end of the line had snorted, letting you know that there was no one named Ryan there. “Ryan Brenner? Young guy? Dark hair? This is his phone number. He’s - ” Your heart was pounding as you waited for a response.

 “This is my phone number. This is my phone. I got it two weeks ago.” The woman coughed. “You’re not the first person that’s called for this Ryan guy, but this ain’t his phone anymore. I don’t know who he is. I found it, and its mine now.” You felt sick to your stomach. Found it? His phone? Why doesn’t he have his phone? “Don’t call me again.” The woman hung up before you could ask her anything else, leaving you clutching your phone in your hand in the middle of your hotel room, the sun shining brightly outside, the ocean lapping at the beach only a few feet away. Is he OK? He has to be OK.

 You began pacing the room, realizing that the woman had no reason to lie to you, that Ryan simply didn’t have his phone anymore. You had no way of contacting him, had no way of knowing that he was OK, had no way of finding him. “No. No, no.” You dropped down onto the bed, burying your face in your hands and felt the tears dripping down your cheeks. He wouldn’t have lost the phone. He wouldn’t be ignoring me. Something happened. Something bad. Without thinking, you stood, beginning to throw clothing and your other items back into your bag, stopping only to change into your favorite t-shirt, which just happened to be the deep green one that had once been Ryan’s.

 Unbeknownst to you, when you’d gone back into the bathroom to brush your teeth on the morning you left Vegas, he had put it into your bag, folding it and slipping it beneath the dress you’d been wearing the first night you’d met him so that you’d notice it only when you unpacked. It was the only article of clothing that you took with you everywhere you went, and you found yourself putting it on when you were having a bad day, even long after his scent had worn off from the thin fabric. You took comfort in knowing that he’d once worn it too, in the same way that you’d found comfort by his side in Vegas for those short hours.

 Feeling a little better than you had previously, you took a deep breath and looked around the room, fingers absently stroking the hem of your shirt. You’d lost your parents, and they weren’t coming back, which was something that you had to deal with, something you’d been putting off for eighteen months. Now, you’d effectively lost Ryan too, and unless something happened to change that - unless he contacted you, unless you found him again, even though you had no idea how to do that, it was something that you’d also have to deal with. Eventually.

 You thought of Ryan’s smile, thought of the way his lips had felt on the back of your hand as he’d kissed it for the first time. You thought of the look in his eyes when he’d seen you on the plaza, thought of the way that you felt when you’d heard him sing - really sing for the first time. You remembered of the moment that you’d felt his mouth on yours for the first time, tasting like mint chocolate. You remembered what he smelled like, remembered what he looked like, leaning over you as you laid in bed, staring up at him.

 You remembered how you felt the moment you’d realized what you felt for him, sitting alone in a dark room in your Aunt’s home, and then you decided that you couldn’t think about him anymore, you couldn’t dwell on the fact that you loved him and you were likely never going to know what had happened to him. Taking a deep breath, you stood up, hoisting your bag over your shoulder and heading out of the room to see about changing your flight.

  It was time for you to go home like he’d suggested. At least dealing with an empty house and all of your parents’ stuff would keep your mind off of the sudden disappearance of Ryan Brenner from your life. I hope.

  ---

 When you’d arrived back in Philadelphia, it had taken you two days to work up the nerve to even unlock the front door of the house, and then another two to take a step inside of it. The moment you’d entered the front hall, you’d broken down, falling to your knees in the entryway and staying there until your body had given out on you and you’d collapsed to the floor, drawing your knees up to your chest and crying silent, dry tears, your entire body shaking as you thought about the giant, empty places in your life. Mom. Dad. Mom. Dad. Mom. Dad. Ryan.

 The emptiness of the house was unsettling but once you’d gotten over the initial emotional reaction to being back, you’d taken your time in moving through the place, fingers trailing over picture frames and furniture, sitting at the kitchen table, re-entering your room. Luckily - or unluckily, however you wanted to think of it - the intruders hadn’t killed your parents inside, instead dragging both of them out into the garage before ending their lives, and so being inside of the house got easier as the days passed, though you didn’t step foot out the door from the kitchen into the garage.

 You started by slowly going through your parents’ things. Though you had a few issues where you lost focus and needed to take breaks, you had their bedroom cleaned out within a week, stripped down to the furniture. Their clothing had all been donated, separated into different boxes and bags before taking it to local shelters and charities. From there, you moved on to the other rooms of the house - the kitchen, the bathrooms, the living room and dining room. We had too much stuff. None of this shit matters. By the fifth week in the house, you were completely done with the upper floor, except for your bedroom, and had most of the main level of the house organized, too.

 You chose to keep a few things, packing them into storage totes and placing them in a spare bedroom - photo albums, some of your mother’s old vinyl records family heirlooms… including some of the jewelry that the thieves had stolen in the first place. Your aunt - the one from Virginia - had been the one dealing with the police and the trial, which you hadn’t attended because the thought of looking those men in the eye had been unthinkable for you, and she’d gotten back the missing items, returning them to the home for you, ready and waiting.  

   At the beginning of month two in your childhood home, just as the first few days of spring were breaking, you stepped down into the basement for the first time. The room had always been your favorite in the house - built into the side of a small hill, which meant that the majority of the far wall was made of glass, looking out into your back yard. The room was bright and airy, and you slid the glass door open before stepping through the room, eyes on your father’s books and your mother’s knicknacks. None of them would be kept - you simply had nowhere to store them, and while it made you sad, they were just things, and you had the memories that went along with them. But the guitar in the corner was a different story. It was another thing that you couldn’t begin to think about getting rid of, but even touching that had been difficult for you.

  You picked it up, holding it by the neck, and as your fingers curled around the smooth wood, you felt a wave of sadness wash over you. You play? You look good with a guitar in your hands. Sinking down onto your dad’s comfortable stool, you hugged the guitar to your chest. Ryan had been right - you needed to get back to the house and to deal with the loss of your parents, needed to make peace with the fact that the house wouldn’t ever feel like home again - say goodbye to them in a more meaningful way than speaking at the service…but you should have done it sooner.

 Taking your time and going through things had been therapeutic, and you’d had many conversations with your parents as you’d cleaned out the house, but the person that you found yourself thinking of most had been Ryan. He still hadn’t contacted you, still hadn’t been answering his phone, hadn’t shown up on TV or on the radio… and you didn’t know what to do, even going so far as to search for him on the Internet with no results.

 There was nothing that you could do, really, except worry about him, and letting yourself fall down that rabbit hole would have derailed the entire process and significance of going through the house… so you opted to push your worry for him out of your thoughts, at least until you’d made significant progress on the rest of the task at hand.

 That didn’t keep you from talking to him, though, and you found yourself humming or singing his songs out loud often, mentally keeping a list of things that you wanted to show him or tell him, no matter how silly or insignificant. Even though he wasn’t physically with you, your silent (and sometimes out loud) conversations with Ryan helped you get through the days of packing and throwing things away, motivated you to get out of bed and continue. Wish I could tell you, Ryan Brenner. I wish you knew.

 You strummed a few chords, looking out the glass door and felt your throat tightening as you allowed yourself to really think of Ryan again - of his kind eyes, easy smile and his thick, deep voice. You wondered where he was - if he was still alive - what he was doing, and you were worried. You were worried because you hated the unknown when it came to those you loved - and you loved Ryan, still and totally, and even if you never heard from him again, there would always be a place for him in your heart.

 I’m keeping this guitar. No matter where I go, it goes with me. That was the night you moved the guitar stand up to your room, and after that, you spent at least a few minutes each day strumming it, trying to make your fingers cooperate. It was a slow process, but it was something, and it kept you connected to Ryan in a way. Not only that, but you used the time to begin planning another project for yourself - organizing a gallery show for some of your favorite photos, and started sending your portfolio to local studios. He wanted to see my work, why wouldn’t others?

 Thirteen weeks after you went home, you finished cleaning out the house. Though all of the furniture was still in it, the house was a shell of itself, most of your family’s personal items long gone and the others placed into storage, and as you wandered through the main floor, you decided what you needed to do. You had no desire to live in Philadelphia, no desire to remain in the house - and so it was time to sell it. There was no one else that you had to convince of the decision, and so you’d reached out to Amy’s mother, asking her for the name of a reputable realtor.

 Since it was late spring, you’d been warned that once the house was up, it would likely sell quickly. That was fine with you, and so you had gone through all of the required steps to get the house inspected, to get it appraised, to get it listed for sale. Four months to the day that you’d returned to the house, you officially put it on the market - on the same day that you’d been contacted by the Center for Emerging Visual Artists, who wanted to feature your work as a guest exhibition. It would be the first time a collection of your work was visible in a public space and not on the pages of a magazine or on the Internet, and you were terrified and thrilled at the same time.

  Celebrating with a bottle of wine and the guitar on your back porch, you’d toasted to your family, toasted to yourself - toasted to the memory of Ryan. “I did it, Ry. I dealt with it, just like you told me I needed to.. and I put myself out there, too.” You laughed, shaking your head and clutching the neck of the instrument that was sitting on your lap. “You’d be proud of me, I think.” The tears filled your eyes, but they weren’t as painful as they had been previously; you could think of him with only fondness and a faint pang of sadness. The ache was still there, but if there was anything you’d learned during your travels, it was that you couldn’t dwell on the things that you couldn’t control - and you couldn’t control Ryan’s absence in your life.

  He was gone from it just as quickly as he’d entered it, and though you missed him fiercely, it was something that you couldn’t change. “I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.” Lifting your glass toward the sky, you took a long drink and then set it down on the patio next to you before settling the instrument on your lap and arranging your hands properly. You were still learning, but were able to clumsily pick out some of the chords of the song he’d played you on Christmas, and it was a comfort to you.

 Three weeks after the house had been put on the market, you accepted an offer on it. The realtor had tried to convince you to wait, to haggle on the price, to get the best deal that you possibly could, but you were ready for it to be done, ready to devote your focus to the gallery and to whatever came next. You were itching to leave the city, itching to get back on the road, and without the house, you had nothing tying you down. You decided to accept an offer from a young family, even though it wasn’t the highest that you’d received, and after meeting with the gallery representatives to finalize details for the opening of your exhibit only a few days later, you’d simply walked across the street to the real estate office, officially signing the property away and approving the offer.

 Though the close date wouldn’t be until the third week of June, which was almost a month away, it gave you time to plan, time to decide what came next - and time to enjoy the fact that you would officially be free of all obligations.

 You’d decided to take a walk through Rittenhouse Square after meeting with both of the people that you needed to, and as you walked slowly beneath the trees, you found yourself smiling and enjoying the warmth of the air. Though Philadelphia’s days as your official “home” were numbered, you were happier than you had been in a long time. As you made your way toward the center of the park and the fountain, you heard someone playing guitar, the soft notes reaching your ears even over the noise from the city’s traffic and the conversations of the other people in the park. It’s the perfect day for it. You kept smiling and walked toward the sound, knowing that many of the college kids played in the park, but your smile faltered as you saw the figure perched on a crate beneath one of the tall trees, a hard case open near his feet. No way.

 Your heart was pounding as you walked closer, pausing at the back end of the fountain and reaching out with one hand to steady yourself against the concrete block as you swayed on your feet. It can’t be. It’s not possible. You swallowed, blinking and took a few more steps toward the guitar player, shaking your head back and forth. Ryan? You felt your eyes well up and a quiet gasp left your throat as he continued playing, his voice getting louder with each note - stronger, too, even though you saw the obvious effort it was taking him to play the chosen song while keeping his composure.

 …But baby I've been here before I've seen this room and I've walked this floor You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya And I've seen your flag on the marble arch And love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah…

 You moved, finally, joining the small crowd of people that was watching him play, but you weren’t focused on them - you were only focused on Ryan, on the fact that after five months of wondering and waiting and hoping that he was OK, he was sitting in front of you - in the city that you’d called home, guitar in hand. He’s wearing my shirt. You stared at him without shame as he played, eyes raking over his body from his feet to his neck, not daring to look at his face because you knew that if you did, you’d immediately run to him. I can’t do that. He’s not mine. You blinked, bit your lip and then blinked again, feeling as if you were entranced as he played, each word full of meaning, each word a relief as it hit your ears. You’re here. You’re here. You’re OK. You realized that the song was ending and stepped closer to Ryan, still about ten feet away, a few people between you. You didn’t know what you were going to say or do - but your body was operating on its own, feet carrying you ever closer to Ryan even as he sung the final notes and strummed the final chords.

 His head was tilted toward the ground as he played, you finally saw, because he had the recorder set up next to him in the lid of the guitar case. Still recording himself. Good. As the song ended and you stepped forward with two other people, he finally looked up, to his left, in the opposite direction from where you were standing, speaking to a young man that had also stepped forward to talk to him. Ryan had the same look on his face that he’d had in Vegas after playing in front of Paris - proud and surprised and genuine and you spoke without thinking, your voice trembling. “You’re really good.” Ryan froze mid sentence, his fingers tightening around the neck of his guitar. “Your voice is incredible.”

 He turned his head slowly toward you, and you watched as his eyes widened and his lips parted, his gaze focused on your face. He glanced down quickly, shifting and setting the guitar in the case before he stood, taking a single step toward you and then stopping. This is it. You swallowed, taking a breath and stepped toward him too, your next words coming out quietly as you felt the moisture in your eyes finally spilling over and you reached a hand out to him. “Do you know any Robert Johnson, Ryan?”

 ---

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 6x19: “Mommy Dearest”

THEN: Crowley wants monsters to interrogate. He was the Winchesters’ boss until Cas killed him. Eve is in town. The ashes of a phoenix and how the boys acquired it. Time to take the fight to Eve.

“Hey. Heaven must be missing an angel.” Oh no, dude. Not that pickup line.

“You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate.

Shit, dude.

This guy was so nice...and now he’s a monster.

Oh lord, it’s happening.

RIP numerous people. Killed by...Eve’s new monsters.

Dean working with the phoenix ashes.

They got five shells from all the ashes.

“Meaning I just had myself a little mishap a few minutes ago, and, uh, well, here, look.” Is that when Dean happened to drink a bit of it with whiskey?

Another mention of “ass.”

Classic Destiel moment.

“The dude's busy... Cas, get out of my ass!”

“I was never in your...”

They need a “friendly monster”

I guess Cas, having read Chuck’s books, knew to get Lenore, our first friendly monster. Long time no see. 

“Your hunter friend almost killed me.”

“Well if it makes you feel any better, uh, he turned into a vampire and I chopped his head off.”

“Yeah. With razor wire. Wicked.”

It was pretty rad.

Lenore’s had a rough time.

“You’re crazy. I can’t help you.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

There’s the Dean-ism.

Lenore gives a location.

It’s sweet that they wanted to protect her.

“You have to. Please.” Lenore’s last words.

RIP Lenore. Killed by Cas.

“We needed to move this along.”

Grants Pass, Oregon.

“Smitey McSmiterton” haha

An iPad! The technology in the show is starting to upgrade.

Cas can’t use his powers.

“So wait, Mom's making you limp?”

“Figuratively, yes.”

Another Classic Destiel moment:

“....”

“I think you hurt his feelings.”

Poor Cas. :( He’ll remember that.

Bobby’s got a lead.

“Excuse me. Hi, uh, i-is Dr Silver in today? My friend is very sick.”

“I have a, uh, painful burning sensation.”

“You might want to find yourself some ointment.”

fff hahaha.

“What kind of doctor calls the CDC and then goes AWOL the very next day?”

pfft, I love the impatient look Dean gives Cas when he asks if it’s gonna take long to open the door.

“Well what kind of doctor calls the CDC and then stashes the gooey corpse in the shed?”

“I don't understand what's happening here.”

Cas doesn’t understand rhetorical questions. Bless his heart.

Dr. Silver’s not in the house.

Bobby can sound so authoritative.

“Wow. Talk about talking out of your butt.”  I know right? He did well.

Ed Bright’s got a twin...or not.

“I’m fairly unpracticed with firearms.”

“You know who whines? Babies.”

Dean, you jerk.

There’s like, 4 Ed Brights. 

Marshall!Ed.

“I think – now we're all sick.” Understatement, buddy.

These two are desperate to get answers before he dies.

RIP Marshall Todd. Killed by Eve.

I would too.

A vamp. No, a wraith.

“What do you call these?”

“Well, congrats. You discovered it. You get to name it.”

“Jefferson Starships. Huh, because they're horrible – and hard to kill.”

MOTE: Jefferson Starships and Eve.

Oh shit. busted.

Clever of Dean to hide.

Cas barely resists getting arrested, haha.

OOHH. JEFFERSON STARSHIPS.

RIP Jefferson Starship. Killed by Dean.

RIP other Jefferson Starship. Killed by Cas.

Saving the last one to interrogate. A technique we’ll see Sam use again in S12.

“More Starships.” Ohhh, Dean was unknowingly right.

Dr. Silver’s sons. AKA our Sam and Dean parallels.

Joe and Ryan.

“First we've gotta make sure you're you.”

“How you gonna do that?”

“Well there's a few, uh, dozen tests.”

But none of those tests could identify a Jefferson Starship...

I personally love this moment btween Dean and Cas.

“Dean, Dean. Millions of lives are at stakes here, not just two. Stay focused.”

^Cas’ “don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” tone.

Could they be any more obvious about this parallel?

Cas is still fuming.

“They won’t take long.”

“You don't know that. They may find more wayward orphans along the way.”

I love when Cas is salty.

“So we can stand here bellyaching or we can go poke that pig 'til he squeals.“ Ooohh Bobby.

Cas and Bobby were really starting to get close. I love that, wish we had gotten more.

Aww. If only that were the end of Joe and Ryan’s story...

5 minutes. That’s all it took.

What the exactly did Cas do???

RIP Jefferson Starship. Killed by Cas.

Shots for everyone.

Dean and Sam throwing themselves into the fire.

“Is there anybody in this diner that is not a flesh eating monster?”

“Uh, me and you.”

lmao.

Sam, Dean. Meet Eve.

“Phoenix ash. I'm impressed.” Welp, Plan A is out the window.

Dean’s unimpressed with dragons, lmao.

Eve pulling the Mary card. wonderful.

And the brothers can’t even look at her.

Eve drops the “Crowley’s alive” bomb...only we don’t know if we can believe her.

OHH THE SOUL HINT. AGAIN.

“It's about the souls.”

“What about ‘em?”

“Their power, you simple little monkey. Fuel. Each soul a beautiful little nuclear reactor. Put 'em together, you have the sun.”

“Let's see how hot his hell burns when everyone comes to me.” Nice line.

“Little Ryan.” Plot twiisstt.

RIP Uncle Jake. Killed by Joe and Ryan.

Eve’s proposal: The brothers bring her Crowley, and they live.

Plan B (for Bobby and Cas) is also out.

Bobby looks like he’s silently freaking out.

Oh dear.

“Don’t test me.”

“Bite me.”

“Phoenix ash. One shell, one ounce of whisky. Down the hatch.” Dean, you fucking genius. I love you.

RIP Eve. Killed by Dean.

RIP Jefferson Starships. Killed by Cas.

Cas heals Dean.

“Alright, we're good. We got to go. Now.”

“Where?”

“The kid. The little kid. He's one of 'em.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Yeah, I know Cas, you told me, alright. Let's just go.”

RIP Joe and Ryan. Killed by demons.

“I think that demons don't give a crap about monster tweens unless they're told to.” He’s right.

Bobby looking closely at Cas. He already suspected.

And he exchanged “a look” with Sam...

Dean immediately in denial go d d a m n i t.

“Miracles” by Jefferson Starship.

OOOHHHH PLOT TWIST.

“Really, Cas? This is getting ridiculous. How many times am I gonna have to clean up your messes?”

And it all begins to unravel.

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

Why Mika’s Death was Not Okay

It is a rule with fandom that the longer you stay with a series, the more it’ll disappoint you. A series will inevitably fail you, but the rule never will. Whether or not, as a viewer, we allow these sins committed by our favorite shows to turn us off til we turn it off for good is our own personal choice. Blind love can only carry us so far.

 It turns out that even though I feel the atrocities committed in the second episode of season 5 of Orphan Black are narratively unforgivable, I’m in too deep to turn off the tv now. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t see how the final trip ends when with only 8 episodes left. But I can’t forgive the writers for killing off Veera Suominen.

 Now I get it; I’m a writer, and I feel that while storytellers have a responsibility to care for our audience and to understand the broader impact of our art we also have a deeper responsibility to ourselves. Most storytellers would agree that their best stories were passion projects that felt as if they were just burning to get out of them. The finished product should always be something that, when looked at later, the author can look back on and be proud that they really put all of themselves into. Can Graeme Manson and John Fawcett honestly say that this is the best, most shining example of their work? Is the way they tossed aside such a valuable character really what they had in mind from the beginning?

 For the uninitiated, Veera Suominen (hereafter referred to by her preferred nicknames of M.K. or Mika) is one of the latest female clones to pop up on the scifi television show Orphan Black. She was a valuable new addition to the team last season, as she was a connection to a previously hinted at massacre of clones in Europe: the infamous Helsinki event where a group of clones became self aware and were killed to protect the interests of their creators. Mika was the only clone to escape alive, and was so traumatized by what had happened that she basically became a hermit. She was smart enough to know that it wasn’t safe to be seen out in the open, and she used her considerable skills as a hacker to keep an eye on what was going on in the world around her.

 I think what made Mika so appealing to me is my own history of psychological trauma, plus a history of medical problems that keep me pretty regularly sick. Without going into too much detail, I can safely say that maybe my thinking on the matter is entirely biased and clouded by emotion. M.K. was a person I could see myself in, and when it was first made clear that she was starting to get sick with the same autoimmune condition the other clones were experiencing my heart broke. I don’t know if I fully expected her to succumb to her illness when progress was being made towards a cure, but I expected pain and heartache at least. If she was to die, it would be a dignified death befitting someone who fought in her own way to stay alive and under the radar. She was living outside the control of the ones who created her, but was still living under psychological duress after what had happened to her. It was most definitely a relatable story, as it is one that I live every day (under less dire and conspiratorial circumstances). I wanted so much for her to get closure and freedom in her life.

 With all that being said, this death scene was not okay. That’s what I keep repeating to myself now. It’s the biggest impression I got from the episode. This show advertises as one that respects its characters, but respect is the farthest thing from what she got. There was no respect for Mika’s journey, and there was no dignity in this death. The writers took a Ferdinand, a sad, sexually dysfunctional little man who was responsible for the Helsinki event and had him kill Mika because he was angry with a different clone. It’s a death that strips her of her right as an individual (which is a major theme of the show) and has her die as a stand in for someone else. And she didn’t even struggle. She immediately gave herself up because she was tired of running, and didn’t even try to take him with her. This is such a far cry from the M.K. who almost killed Ferdinand last season, and really begs the question: What could Ferdinand possibly have to offer the show that M.K. couldn’t? Ferdinand didn’t have half of the useful skills that Mika had and any proficiency with murder or intimate knowledge of the conspiracy could be achieved by Helena or Rachel. But M.K. was useful as a hacker, and even beyond having a usefulness to the plot there are those of us with traumatic pasts who really could’ve stood to see her get resolution before her death.

 The funny part of all of this is that now we’re being told that the point of the death is to prove that “nobody is safe” at this point. But we kind of already knew that, didn’t we? This was pure shock value, and shock value has no place in a series that purportedly respects its characters. If writers want to go in the direction of shock value, write slasher films. I promise that a good slasher film requires just as much attention to detail and can be just as much fun. That way, you don’t have to invest any time in characters because we all know they’re not safe and we know the majority of them are going to die horribly - like little humanoid Happy Tree Friends. All I’m saying, really, is that, as Cosima would say, the writers need to admit what this is really about. This was never about proving that nobody is safe. This is because the writers were just...done with her. So they just killed her. In the least respectful manner possible. It tied up no loose ends, it served no real consequence to the plot. Her death wasn’t an immediate call to action nor did it seem to have any effect on the characters beyond proving Kira’s psychic ability (which we’ve all known was a thing) and pushing her towards DYAD for testing (which would have happened anyway). It was just...nothing.

 It could be argued that M.K. giving herself up in Sarah’s place was brave in itself, but it wasn’t brave in a manner that was conducive to her character arc. In fact, this entire episode was antithetical to her character arc. Like I’ve already mentioned, clone disease is treatable. We’ve spent all this time seeing the sisters struggle with it, but there was no time dedicated to Mika’s personal struggle. Even Jennifer had more time post mortem to show us her coming to terms with her mortality. This just felt like one more thing to do to make her suffer, because what other way could they make Mika into a martyr for the cause than to make her too weak to fight? Which, in case you’re wondering, is what she should have done. Accepting her death immediately, before it even came to blows...lifting not a finger or a word in her own defense...It was deeply upsetting. Narratively, extremely sloppy, but personally very unsatisfying. It seemed like something I would do on my worst days. I went through a horrible trauma as a child and also suffer from an immune disorder that frequently makes me very sick. Being mentally and physically sick all the time is exhausting and I could understand why she would end it that way. But I turn to fiction a great deal of the time to see people who are in similar situations do things better than I would have, so that on the days when I want to give up I can point to them and say, ‘Well they didn’t, so I won’t either.’ She should have at least taken him with her. Then Helsinki would have at least been finished, and in death we could have wrapped this up quite neatly. Killing a major player in the event that created her mental trauma would have been a fantastic resolution to her character arc.

 I’m not saying, exactly, that death of a main character isn’t permissible in character-driven stories. When a series handles death well, it can be fantastic. True, in real life death doesn’t always have some kind of grand purpose and is always meaningless. But this is a story, and stories are supposed to have a grander purpose. I understand that we needed to raise the stakes, since this show has almost as many main character resurrections as Buffy (I exaggerate, but you get my point that this is the show where our characters never die). But it could’ve been handled with more respect to the character involved. I also think it was weird timing to kill off a Leda girl this early in the season. Big character deaths normally should be reserved, if not for the finale itself, than for the episodes directly leading up to it. That kind of death puts a show on a more clear narrative trajectory. One of the greatest character deaths in recent history happened on the CW show Nikita when Ryan Fletcher was killed off before the finale. Not only was that a death fitting of his character, but we know things just got real and there is a definite tipping point from which there is no return. I don’t have the same feeling after Mika’s death. I feel like she’s just gone and there’s no real reason for it. But I could be being unfair since there are still 8 episodes to go until the conclusion.

 I’m going to keep watching this show til the end, even after all this. Tatiana Maslany’s performance continues to be that which I aspire to as an actor, and I still feel a deep connection to the characters and an insatiable need to know where it all goes. But this was deeply upsetting, and cannot be forgiven. Please, just, fellow writers, I beg you...Retire the shock value deaths. Put actual thought into your characters and don’t just throw them away like this. Rest in peace, Veera Suominen (AKA M.K., AKA Mika). You didn’t deserve to be reduced to a stand-in for Ferdinand’s frustration with Rachel. You didn’t deserve to die as a representation of someone else. You deserved so much better.

[bartsugsy]

Lo I would give my heart and soul for all these posts re SSW to be true that this is the route of the story but I just don't know if we can trust ED on this as this plot has been so POOR in reality I want a split for a while to work things thru properly but I don't think the fandom would survive a long split it's just so annoying that this is the route they chose to go to tell this side of their issues 💔

i actually... don’t mind... this plot... except for the baby that literally seems like a plot device to push robert into confessing.... because... it’s literally about aaron and robert and it seems to be pushing them towards confronting things that we’ve all been yelling at them to fix for over a god damn year now...

like, the writing following The Incident TM was horrible and it’s all been very rushed for months, likely in large part due to lucy leaving, obviously, but... in terms of it’s place in their overall story and especially as a direct follow up from all the intentionally unresolved shit they started to really bring up in the january argument... i really really don’t hate it

(this is ultimately dependant on how they close everything down, i suppose, but up til this point, i think it at least makes some weird level of sense in their journey as a couple)

(i.e. i’ve said for ages that they don’t know how to be together properly yet and this is just... the worst kind of proof... and in some ways, something that needed to happen because nothing else was giving them the wake up call they needed to sort their shit out and learn! how! to! communicate! in! a! healthy! manner!)

...and i really, really don’t think they’re gonna split up. i think they’re going to have a very serious talk about where they stand and how exactly they got to the point where they both ended up hitting rock bottom (to quote taryn @itwasjustmisplaced), but i think ultimately... they’re going to decide to work through it

the ons didn’t happen in a bubble and it didn’t happen because robert lost his damn mind one night in a fit of ooc drunkenness - it happened because he knew that sleeping with rebecca would be the thing that would hurt aaron most and the reason it’s the thing that would hurt aaron most is not just because his husband had cheated on him, but because of this very unresolved combination of aaron’s biphobia and robert’s refusal to confront his past tendencies to cheat properly

do i think they’re going to take all of the threads of issues that the boys have been dealing with since they got together? no, there’s no way. i mean, firstly, they need some issues to keep things sparky, don’t they? they’re not gonna learn to communicate in a day. but also, they’ve literally struggled with how to be a couple since the moment they started dating, just over a year ago. there’s so much juice for them to use here, but i really don’t see it - like, they’re not about to sit there and discuss the lodge, u know 

(if they discuss the lodge i’m deleting my tumblr and launching myself into space powered by pure ecstasy alone tbh)

- but i think they are at least going to pick up on some of the things that happened in the two episodes of the january fight (which include: rob’s internalised homophobia, aaron’s biphobia, aaron’s trust issues when it comes to robert doing the right thing by aaron, aaron’s self-worth issues, robert’s tendencies to lie rather than tell the truth etc. etc. etc.) like... those things were all included and they’ve been issues that have been prevalent in their relationship for months.

is there a chance that they’re just going to have an hour long episode of aaron and robert talking and have it just be 40 straight minutes of aaron crying and telling robert to do one and robert yelling at aaron for being unreasonable for the rest of the time? eh sure, wouldn’t be the first time, but... i don’t know, emmerdale’s overall track record of writing them as a couple gives me a weird amount of faith - they are strangely consistent at bringing up the same issues between robert and aaron over and over again, before addressing them.

like, when they first started dating and robert kept making bad, horrible, even unintentionally manipulative decisions in the name of protecting aaron and aaron kept railing at robert for everything, even the things he didn’t do, because aaron expected robert to have changed and become a better person and robert was struggling with that because, you know, people don’t change overnight and he was being put in stressful situations (which rob doesn’t do well in, where aaron’s concerned).

they had the same fight, essentially - over and over and over, the same fight about rob needing to change and aaron not trusting that he was trying and they really... didn’t even mention it explicitly. they just kept having these fights, aaron would throw out a mention of the things “old robert” would do, robert yelled at aaron that nothing he does is good enough, and so on and so forth until, eventually, aaron caught rob kidnapping ryan and they have that conversation where rob straight up says that he wants to change and he’s trying but he’s going to fail. that scene sticks out to me because it was like... the scene where they finally picked up the threads they’d been laying down for months and explicitly said ‘oh hey, yeah, you’re not imagining it, that was intentional’ - because before that scene, everyone was so frustrated, because all they did was argue and they were barely showing affection and... i mean, there’s a reason it’s referred to as the Robron Chill, u know?

that scene marked the end of the beginning part of their relationship and catapulted them into the Andy plot. like. that was the last big relationship scene they had that revolved around them for a while - until Rebecca’s arrival and the lead up to SSW, in fact.

i guess, what i’m saying is, yes sometimes the writing is horrible and the pacing isn’t great and whatever, but... the overall story still makes sense and... they do plan these things out. they do know what they’re doing. so, at the bare minimum, i think we’re going to get some level of discussion on what’s been happening.

what was it iain said? that it was going to ease our concerns? i don’t know, i just think it’s ultimately, if nothing else, going to be about how they move forward as a couple. which is exactly what they’ve needed for a long damn time now.

[em44owls]

PhanFic/Brendon SHiTT

read between the lines (i will if you will)- “Skype conversations between Dan and Phil, leading up to their first meeting. 2009!Phan. Prepare for fluff.” (72580 words) 19/19 

metamorphosis- “Once upon a time, Dan Howell and Phil Lester were best friends. They did everything together, from hanging out at each other’s house, to sitting next to each other at school - but one day, Dan was torn away from Phil by none other than Phil himself. Five years on, and Dan still doesn’t know why his best friend threw Dan away. Was it the fault of the bullies who relentlessly picked on Phil, or was it Dan himself? Dan just didn’t know. So when a chance to protect Phil and get his best friend back arises, Dan jumps on it in a heartbeat, and uses his own confidence to boost Phil’s just enough to make the bullies back away.” (28907 words) 10/10

porcelain fists- “dan fulfills phil's oldest fantasy” {lot of smut} (3346 words)

so, soo pretty- “if you’re too hot why are you wearing a sweater?” if i prefer to just wear underwear and a hoodie it’s my choice and you should respect it.” (1061 words)

Lil D & Big P- “When they become Youtube flops, Dan and Phil decide to embark on another career. But how will they make sure this career stays afloat?” (1198 words)

Rose Colored Boy- “Dan's a struggling piano player trying to make his way through life, Phil works as a director at his brothers record label.” (11639 words) 6/?

Not a Bottom- “Pastel!Dan tries topping for the first time.” (3134 words)

Nights With You- “One night they decide to take whatever they have a step further and end up in Dan's bedroom where Phil finds something he didn't really expect at all.” (1664 words) 

Discovered Outlet- “Dan discovers he has a new talent - drawing. He puts a unique spin on it, and Phil finds out.” (7187 words)

‘Fuck you’ - ‘I don’t understand’- “Soulmate AU where the first words your soulmate says to you are on your wrist- person A is worried that person B won’t have any words because A is mute/worried they won’t hear the words because they’re deaf” (1040 words)

PSL- “phil tries something in bed but it doesn't go as well as he planned.” (1100 words)

An Arranged Marriage- “Dan and Phil are forced to marry each other, even though they've never met. Differing life experiences leave the boys unsure of how this could possibly work.” (5952 words)

Already Read../

In which Phil has too many sticky notes and Dan likes to shout memes in Biology class- “Deliberately, precariously, Phil leans forward across his desk and attaches the note to the back of Dan’s omnipresent black hoodie. Dan makes no acknowledgement of Phil’s existence, as usual.” (2698 words)

‘Til We’re Grey Old- “Phil thinks Valentine’s Day is dumb. It’s the one day a year you are supposed to treat your loved one like they are the literal sun. He loves Dan 24/7, so why does the world expect him to make it special on February 14th?” (1808 words)

Brendon’s Egg- “Brendon Urie is a regular married man who lays eggs. One day, Ryan accidentally fertilizes one. After a bit of stress and heartache, they make the decision to raise the child together. The events that follow can only be described as adorable, shocking, and quite possibly unholy.” (10285 words)

Just breathe now- “(Dan comes down with the stomach flu in the middle of the night. Phil cares for him.)” (4714 words)

Babygirl- “Dan is an innocent virgin and Phil is the bad-boy who likes to make him flustered.” (4045 words)

Not Quite Vanilla- “Dan wants to bring a little more passion into his and Phil’s sex life.” (1896 words)

Day of  the Dan- "Dan realises that everyone else is … also called Dan.” (1728 words)

First Time- “Dan and Phil’s first time.” (1479 words)

You don’t know me (but I want you to)- “the one were Punk!Phil asks Pastel!Dan out on a date and Dan says no, but Phil is adamant at making Dan change his mind.” (10190 words)

Innocent-  'I kinda want a Phan fic where Dan and Phil are 11 and 12 and they like do inappropriate shit.' (1577 words)

Birthday Sex- “The rules are pretty simple.Whoever's birthday it is gets whatever they want, no questions asked.” (233799 words) 12/12

[survivor-rebelsvsroyals]

EPISODE 2- I made an oopsie!! - Asya

HEY GUYS WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL lmfaooo it’s been so damn long i’m so rusty but we’re here and we're doing this ladies! Going into this I was worried it was gonna be a ton of new school people I didnt know who were all friends but I was fairly pleased that I actually know a good majority of the cast and I know everybody on my tribe except Anabel which is WILD. I didn't expect to know that many but its great. I’m gonna talk a bit about everybody then ill go into more: Anabel is the one person I didn’t know coming in but i’ve heard she’s super social which is MY THING so i gotta watch my back with that. We’ve had fun conversations though so nothing bad to say yet Dane Dane Dane where do I start? I don’t trust him one bit. I know we can have fun conversations but because of personal things with my friends I will forever watch my back with him because i’m a stubborn protective Mama Bear. Ryan and I already talked about getting him out lmfao Gloria has always been sweet to me but I have to figure out how to talk game with her. I’ve never actually played with her myself before just been in VLs or a jury host for a game shes in or something so this is a different perspective. Im not sure how its gonna go yet. Linus is my TUMBLR SURVIVOR BUDDY HERE LMFAOO Ive played with people on this tribe before but I don’t think i’ve played TS with anybody else? Either way we played to the end of Myanmar- oh wait excuse me ALMOST THE END BECAUSE OF A DUMB TWIST but yeah I honestly trust him alot because if I remember correctly he wasnt afraid to make moves but he was straight up with me and I appreciate that I’d rather someone be blunt with me and I dont like what they say than deal with a shady bitch! Also we just have good conversations imo and I think we’d be on the same wavelength talking game so he’s definitely someone I wanna work with Pippa is a SWEETIE I always love talking to her we can talk musicals all day all night but with her schedule we’ll have to see how much shes here because idk if she’s gonna be that into it tbh Ruthie is another sweetie but shes also smart and she knows i’m smart so I gotta watch she won’t kick my ass and stab my back singing Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Ryan Matthew OK SO RYAN AND I HAVE A WILD HISTORY we always either love or hate eachother and so far we’ve decided this is a love game? Hopefully it’s legit but we’ll see im sure he’d flip on my ass if he felt like it lmfao but i’m gonna take it for what it is right now. We both don't trust dane and want him gone so I think right now we’re kinda following that “the enemy of your enemy is your friend” kinda motto. I actually wanna work with him this time though so we’ll seeeee RTP is always a blast I don't remember if i’ve actually ever played with him before but we’re both old as fuck in this community so we’ve been around the BLOCK. I know he knows how shit goes so he’ll probably pick up on bullshit quick so I wanna keep him on my good side! I definitely can see myself working with him Seamus i’ve always assumed is a hot ass mess lmfaooo he’s another one i dont remember if i’ve actually played with but I dont know if I trust him we had fun chats but idk how much I’ll trust him as a strategist but we havent gotten to that kind of discussion so we’ll see how that goes. For the most part I have general vibes/ experiences with these people on their own but I don’t know how they’re gonna mesh together so I really gotta watch them all and try to sort it out. I really think I can be in a good spot on this tribe and weasel my way through it but I have to calculate it PERFECTLY. These people aren’t newbies all of us have been here before and know how this works. I’m gonna work my social, be decent in the challenges and keep my mouth zipped while I try and figure our where everyone lies. I haven’t honestly really tried in a game in a long time and if people have forgotten what i’m capable of when I give a shit I can use that to my advantage. So i just gotta try and gage where everyone falls. STAY TUNEDDDD ALSO I JUST WANNA SAY MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE I KNOW I COULD TRUST ARE ON THE OTHER TRIBE AND IM SAD I wanna work with them 😩😩😩 I need Dan Coffeycakes and Asya to get to swap but I'm also praying to the survivor Lorde™️ for the Royals so I don't die lol i’ll give more entertaining updates as thing progress but I just wanted to knock out the basic intro update ok byeeeeeeee 😘

THE GAME HAS OFFICIALLY COMMENCED AND I AM IMMEDIATELY SHOOK. My number one ally and my friend or die and most importantly my friend got first boot but I’m proud of myself that I didn’t sell myself out and didn’t vote him. So the vote was 7-1-1-1 7 Keaton 1 nic 1 Lachie 1 Raffy which was me After the tribal finished I told everyone on call (Chloe Asya Lachie and Raffy) THST I voted Raffy because I had already told John anyway and I didn’t want it to get spread around so I came clean and I can just hope they all respect me for it. I gotta take it day by day and continue to build and maintain bonds. I wanna see if I can’t build a majority alliance I gotta go balls to the wall and leave no stone unturned because for my own sanity I want no regrets when I’m eventually voted out. I think Raffy respected that I can’t clean and that our game relationship can be worked on from here.

Tribal was absolutely crazy. Keaton just popped the fuck off on everyone. He was the fourth crackhead that we needed, but didn't deserve. Asya, Lachie, and I being in an alliance? Nic controlling the game? Absolutely wild. The most interesting thing for me is that Brien voted me. I get that you know Keaton personally, but that just tells me that you will always choose your pre-existing relationship over me. It makes me hesitant to work with Brien since I don't know if he has anymore of these relationships throughout the game. I need to be careful what I say to him and how I come across from now on. I'm still playing the social game, talking with everyone, making sure things are going well for them. Hopefully it continues to go well and I can position myself into multiple alliances, but I don't know if I want to get that messy just yet. This two day challenge enables me to branch out my social game, so that's a plus. John brought up an alliance with Asya and Lachie that would include the Crackheads. However, he meant it as a joke. I wouldn't be entirely opposed to such an alliance. Though I would replace Lachie with someone else like Brien or Nic. It's just that I talk the least with Lachie and Asya so it would go pretty terrible in my opinion. We have to talk about that on call soon.

*a little while later*

Brien wants to start an alliance with me, him, John, Nic, and either Chloe/Trace. It would be a majority alliance, but I need to tell the Crackheads about it. We all need to be on the same page about things, otherwise we'll be a hot mess of an alliance (more so than we already are). Personally, I'd be perfectly fine with that kind of alliance, it'll give me the majority that I so desperately want.

i’m gonna cry i have no time to do this challenge i hate this i hate isaac pls let someone be the dummy who doesn’t submit at all so i don’t get 19th

Calling John and Raffy is like the highlight of my day

*a few minutes later*

"I need to find a shirt that I don't mind getting wet" - John 2K19 

 So what I'm hearing from that is he doesn't wash his clothes

My tribe is absolutely THRIVING and I’ve never been happier. I know I’ll see tribal one day but until then it’s nice to have another night off! I can go about my day not scrambling around to make sure I’m good! Now to search for the idol HMM

It sucks that we lost the challenge again. It's really bringing down morale. Because of this, I do think the next vote is going to be based on challenge performance which I take issue with. The two who did the worst are Chloe and Asya which means it's a pretty clear cut choice for me of who goes. It sucks because I like Asya a lot, but she just hasn't been as active as I would like her to be. At the end of the day, however, I just have to let it go and focus on the now. I'm not going to be pushing for Asya, but I sure hope she goes instead of Chloe.

i made an oopsie !!! was the lowest scoring person in the whole game so that’s hot !!! don’t feel good about my chances this round since in the early game, challenge strength IS what you have to go off of. but i’ve had good conversations w people and i will continue to build on that til i’m gone. i think i have a solid grasp on dan, chloe and lachie. like i don’t think they’ll vote me. i think i’m getting along well w brien? idk. there’s also that one unaccounted for stray vote from last round so like. much to consider. i just need 4 people to not vote for me and i’m fine. who i’m voting for? wish i knew !!

I was talking to Nic about the vote and he brings up two names: Chloe and Asya. I obviously preferred Asya to go so I said that to him. Then, not 5 seconds later, I hear from Chloe that Asya came up to her saying that I threw Asya's name out. Obviously Nic told Asya that I said her name. He's a little snake. I want him out of this game because he cannot be trusted with any information right now. I'm trying to leverage the situation in my favor by spreading that Nic told me it was Asya. So, something needs to be done.

*a little while LATER (you know the drill, this man talks A LOT)*

I'm currently talking to Lachie and Trace. However, Nic has also gotten to them too. I don't like this gut feeling that I am getting voted out. Apparently, Trace is onboard with getting Asya out according to Nic. Furthermore, Chloe told me that Asya is confused about what is happening with this vote. I am trying to confuse her. I told her that her name is getting thrown around, but I want to keep her. I need to keep this up till tribal in order to keep myself safe. Paranoia is the best coverage. Honestly, Nic going right now would not be bad. However, I need to make my play carefully

*literally like six seconds later*

Nic is very shady. The Crackheads want to vote out Nic now instead of Aysa. Chloe suggested making an alliance with Lachie and Asya to vote him out this tribal council. This only works if the two of them are online and agree. Lachie seems down for it, but Asya is a mystery. I just have a feeling that things are going to blow up in our faces. Hopefully, we can make a big move, but if Asya doesn't respond then nothing can happen.

Everyone is confused

ok SO im now in an alliance w me dan nic trace and brien which like?? is not the alliance i envisioned myself in but idc because thats majority and im not trying to go home tonight. with that group not an option i kinda wanted to push for raffy to go so i brought up how like aggressive he is and not even a second later nic tells me that raffy is saying my name so like. it's time for that man to go. did i flop in the challenge? yes, but i know how to talk my way out of a bad situation and thats what im gonna do. mark my words, raffy is getting voted out tonight. keaton made points!

*exactly 11 minutes later*

ok so... ignore everything i just said. it's been wiped from the record. never happened. i'm officially aligned with everyone on my tribe one with myself, dan, brien, trace and nic, and another with myself, chloe, raffy, john and lachie. alliance one is voting raffy, alliance two is voting nic. I ! AM ! THE SWING ! shook. if i don't get a vote tonight then... my fucking mind but... there will be consequences no matter what i do. at this point in time, i think that nic is a snake. raffy is a bigger target, and if he makes the swap he will keep making himself a target. nic is sneaky and will slide thru this game. so. i think my mind is made up

The Godfathers Alliance is officially set in stone. With this, we can make a move against Nic who is very talkative. Now we have a majority alliance that will dominate this tribe. I'm winning in this stage of the game.

The royals are killing it and I’m so proud of this tribe. So far I’m not a part of any official alliance, there’s been very little actual game talk, but Dane and I are both saying we won’t vote each other if we lose, and Seamus and I started sharing idol guesses. I wish there was more I could say but really when it comes to talking the tribe is kinda a bunch of lame ducks right now. A loss would probs change that, but it’s a slow burn atm.

Dan was messaging Asya about voting Nic, so we are trying to bring him into the vote in order to lessen the blindside. Plus, if we let Dan think he's in control, then we can put the heat on him in case of a potential blindside.

I'm sharing my idol guesses with Amanda and Ryan. I kind of made a F2 with both of them and they're my dream f3 but I have no idea how they feel about each other. But idk i guess im kind of fake. Tried my best at immunity, I hate scav hunts!!!!!!! But thank god we won immunity I never wanna go to tribal. I wanna be immune until f2.