#i wish it was this easy to find good black pants n shoes n socks

[foxstens]

black t-shirts i love u

[mimiplaysgames]

save it for the morning after (3/3)

Pairing: Terra/Aqua Rating: E (Explicit) for Smut Word Count: 7,850

Summary: Aqua learns the value of being vulnerable.Terra learns to trust his body to another. Everyone gets a happy ending. ;)

Read on AO3

A/N: AAAAHHHH Happy Terraqua Day!!!! I can’t believe I finally finished this one, it always felt like it would never happen. I’m actually quite nervous - I don’t take the same kind of path of other smut and being so deviant honestly freaks me out so much. I really do pull this story into extreme directions for smut, that I wonder if I can call it smut at all. But let’s see. Hope you like. <3

~*~*~*~*~

“Aqua.”

“Hm?”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you…”

“Go ahead.”

“....”

“Are you okay?”

“The... um, your scars...”

“They’re not yours.”

“Aqua—”

“They aren’t.”

“Please.”

“...They’re not yours.”

~*~*~*~*~

Well, damn.

Ven hones in on Terra—a ballsy move considering it’s a super-bad idea to get this close to a large opponent—but Ven skids, spinning on his knees and tripping Terra like a pet running through its owner’s legs. Ven serves an uppercut with his short Keyblade. It almost jabs Terra on the ribs if not for his lurch backward, and he lands squarely on his ass against the desk behind him. 

A pot of ink rattles and tips, spilling all over his pants and spreading up the spine of his shirt. 

Ven snorts. “You look like you shit yourself.”

Terra wipes his backside, picking up excess ink in layers. It’s slick, skating through his fingers with the weight of iron and dripping onto the floor. More of it runs between his legs, finding a way in between cracks and folds of skin, moistening up his boxers. Damn it. He slathers his hand through Ven’s hair with so much force (Hey!) that Ven waddles to stay in balance. 

“And you look like you’ve been picking through trash.”

Ink clumps chunks of blond hair together, drooling down Ven’s ears and staining his collar. It makes him look oily for lack of a better term, like someone who hasn’t taken a shower in weeks. When he touches his scalp out of reflex he flinches, wiping his coated fingers on his own shirt… before realizing what he’s doing. He groans. 

“It suits you,” Terra says. 

“I dunno.” Ven wipes the rest of it on Terra’s shirt. “Looks better on you.” Might as well. The shirt is honestly ruined. 

One corner of the offending desk is covered in globs of shiny black. Terra corrects the ink bottle and surveys the damage. The tile floor will be easy to clean, but the wood is inhaling the color. 

“Aqua’s going to kill us,” Ven mutters. “She spent a lot of time in this room.”

Weeks of time choosing which books to display on the shelves. Days researching the right chalkboard to purchase. Journeys spent gathering minerals for students to practice with: ash from a far away volcano, water from the forest river nearby, unearthed dirt from the garden, and feathers from nests settled at the peak of the tallest mountain. Aqua has a vision of this room playing the dual role of serving lectures and encouraging hands-on experimentation in a safe environment. She wants it to be respectable and impressive before the semester starts. They’re not allowed to traverse the room with shoes on, and Terra and Ven were respectable about that before one of them (Ven) started to get cocky about his fighting abilities. 

Yeah, they fucked up. “Think of it this way. We proved it’s not practical for physical training,” Terra says. 

“You’re the one who’s going to tell her that.” Ven scoffs, splaying a wet towel on the floor.

Terra pulls his suspenders over his head and lets them hang from his waistband. Pinching his stained muscle shirt off and bundling it up, he uses it as a rag to absorb the puddle on the table. What’s sinking into his socks is now warm. He ignores it.

“Do you think I could pull this off?” Ven asks as a by-the-way, twiddling a shy hand at the back of his greasy head.

“Black hair?”

“No, you’re right. It’s creepy.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Pfft, you also ‘didn’t’”—Ven bookends the word with finger quotations—“spar fairly.”

Terra considers throwing his damp shirt at Ven’s face. “I’m not at my prime yet.”

“That’s not it.” Ven flips the towel and swipes the remaining streaks with the cleaner side. “You’re holding back. You promised you wouldn’t do that anymore.”

“I’m not holding back.” He is. Just the image of raising his Keyblade against either of his friends is enough to make him nauseous, but he swallows it to be a good sport. 

Giving it his all is something else entirely, a deeper, invasive illness. 

“I know you can hit harder than that.” Ven dunks the towel in a pail of water, clouding it. 

“I just have a lot in my mind and it’s hard to... relax, I guess.”

There’s a moment of pregnant quiet before Ven says pointedly, “I thought Aqua was helping you out with that.”

A moist squish slaps Ven on the nose.

“Now you’re being sensitive,” Ven says, pulling Terra’s shirt off his shoulder.

“You missed a spot,” says Terra, using his thumb to smear the stain across Ven’s cheek. For shits and giggles he continues upward, rubbing raccoon circles on Ven’s eyelids. “You really pull this off.”

“Do you annoy her this much?”

“She enjoys it.”

“Ugggh.” Ven throws Terra’s hands off of him, his chin tucked in so much that two layers of neck skin fold over. “Gross.”

Terra pauses. Gross wasn’t what he expected out of Ven’s mouth. 

In fact, Terra hasn’t been sure of how Ven took the news the first time. 

Oh, Ven had said when they told him Aqua was moving into Terra’s room. Okay. Cool. He shrugged as if he could have heard more exciting news, and left to take a short walk in the woods with Chirithy. The three of them never spoke about it again. Ven wouldn’t mention a word when he saw them dragging her dresser and vanity table, and seldom joined them if he heard them laughing together with the door closed. 

Things are changing in minute strokes, in seconds that cluster for as long as Terra can recognize them, until they dissipate and become something not quite foreign but never quite familiar anymore, as though where he comes from is far from home and who he thinks he knows are almost-strangers.

“Have we ever made you uncomfortable?” Terra asks. 

“What, no!” Ven waves his hand, feigning shock, staring at his shoes and everywhere else but Terra. “I mean, Aqua’s been Aqua since we got back, and you’re just weird sometimes, but—”

“Then why do you...” Terra sighs, choosing his words. “Avoid us when we’re together?”

“I don’t want to interrupt.”

An almost-lie. “I hope you don’t think we don’t want you around.”

“Noooo. Neither of you make me feel that way.”

“But you do.”

Ven lifts his shoulders higher than his ears and drops them with the same weight as throwing books on the floor. “It’s just… nothing’s the same.”

Nothing is, what with the quiet mornings since the Master is no longer here to prepare breakfast before the sun rises, or huff at anyone when they disturb his meditation. Now they’re preparing the castle for the largest student body of Keyblade wielders it’s seen in years, something Terra thought would be a good distraction for everyone. 

But Ven’s right. Home doesn’t feel like home when the floors are re-tiled, and specific rooms are repainted, and the Master’s favorite lounge chair sits empty in the same spot in the library by the fireplace. Maybe for Ven, home is the turn right to knock on Terra’s door and the turn left to knock on Aqua’s. 

“It’s weird.” Ven grimaces. “I didn’t mean it that way. I’m used to talking to you about things you promised to keep from Aqua—”

“I still wouldn’t tell her anything!”

“—and I’m used to it being the three of us.”

Terra pauses. “We’re still the three of us. We’re still best friends.”

“That’s not how it works, and you know it,” Ven says, smiling warmly. “You are one half of two. You share a language I can’t butt into.” 

Terra kneels onto one knee, brushing oily hair out of Ven’s face. Aqua would have liked this look on him: less spiky. “Ven, you’re always going to be a part of our lives.”

“Stop worrying. What you have is not a bad thing. I think it’s kind of awesome. I wish you’d give it your all in a fight. I wanna see what you and her are capable of together, because it’d be huge.”

“I’m only trying to say that we don’t want you to feel like a third wheel. You’re more than welcome to knock on our door anytime—”

“Ah. No. No thanks.” He shoos Terra away. 

“Why?”

“I don’t wanna see anything.” Ven squints.

Terra snorts. “You’re not going to see—”

“I don’t wanna hear about it either.”

“But—”

“Nope.” Ven covers his ears with his palms. “Nothing. No inside jokes. No pet names. Yuck. Keep that to yourself.”

Terra presses his lips together to zip up the snickering. “Okay, I won’t say anything.”

“Good. I don’t want any images in my head.” He wipes his hands like he’s done a good job explaining himself. “I should’ve expected it anyhow.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah,” Ven says slowly. “I mean, the Master kinda knew.”

“He said something to you?” Terra asks with a shaky voice. He’s flipping through memories, when he and Aqua were very careful and very private, when they didn't touch each other in case there were witnesses near. He was so certain he’d suffer punishment if Eraqus ever found out. Lists of long essays about the dangers of being reckless with emotions every time Aqua made him laugh too much. Grueling physical regiments to knock discipline into his body every time he made bad decisions based on a tug between his legs. 

“I didn’t understand it at the time,” Ven says, leaning back on his hands and tapping his heels on the floor. “We were all hanging out, and you and Aqua left, and then he got sad.

“When I asked him what was wrong, he told me you guys created a very bright Light together. A Light bonded is a Light stronger, he said.” Ven mimics the Master’s lilts in speech, using his finger to emphasize points. “But be aware, Ven. Such a blinding Light casts an equally blinding, deep Shadow. What a dangerous force that is.”

It’s a good imitation. The ache in Terra’s chest twists into his guts and warms him at the same time, like a loving hug that squeezes too hard.

“Honestly it made me think you and Aqua were doing something you weren’t supposed to.”

“Maybe we were.” Terra’s throat constricts, his voice gravelly and his shame nostalgic. “We thought the same sometimes.”

“Which isn’t fair. Why can normal people experience that but it’s such a big deal if Keybearers do it?”

Because when you elevate the person you admire to a standard you can’t match, it makes you do stupid things. Aqua had followed him world after world, expecting it would eventually lead to a fight. Too many Keyblades in a friendship does no one good. 

To-may-to, to-mah-to. They did end up fighting, it just wasn’t his own Keyblade that inevitably hurt her. What a dangerous force that is.

“So the Master did not approve?” Terra asks.

“I wouldn’t say that.” Ven rubs his cheek in thought, forgetting all about the ink. “He said your combined Light looked beautiful and warm. And that you’d have many nights where it would be enough when it gets hard... Honestly, he only wished that you keep your head on your shoulders.”

Wishes asked for are wishes granted, the Master used to say, so long as you work for them. The years Terra had wished for this exact approval had only left him with space to forge false hope. Nothing major, nothing long-winded. Just a simple, impossible wish as they placed the flower wreath on his memorial and bid their goodbyes. 

Finally, that wish is fulfilled. As Ven grants it to him, it’s hard to believe or accept, sitting on the floor of what used to be a ballroom, covered in drying ink. 

“Thanks, Ven.” Tears cascade down his cheeks, pretending to be inconspicuous. He wipes them with his clean forearm but he can’t keep up. There’s one for every moment in the last twelve years when he wanted to apologize to the Master, leaving his eyes burning. “I’m sorry, I’ll stop soon.”

“S’okay.” Ven tucks his ankles under, giving Terra time to process. Ven knows when a topic is too sensitive. But he can also tell when enough time has passed for the raw cuts to seal, when everyone’s ready to laugh. It’s his special gift. Only after Terra slows down does Ven lean forward. “Did you know you make this ugly face when you cry? You’re a train wreck.”

Terra yanks Ven’s head under his arm (Oomph, grunts Ven), locking his elbow around the neck.

Ven beats on Terra’s biceps. “Let go of me.”

Terra summons his pauldron, elbow pad, and gauntlet—for good measure. He licks salt from his lips and smirks, clutching Ven more, sinking him into the pecs. 

Ven coughs. “You smell horrible.”

“Nasty-horrible or heroic-horrible?”

“Do you make Aqua sniff your armpit? Let go of me.”

A poor mistake. Ven tumbles back when he’s let go, but he grabs Terra’s shirt before his head hits the floor. He punches it into Terra’s stomach so quickly that Terra isn’t allowed time to react or block, leaving a sprawled, black bruise over his abs. 

“Put a shirt on,” Ven says when Terra can’t rub it off. “Freak.”

~*~*~*~

Their bedroom door is ajar. Terra hears the shuffling of feet. He quiets his arrival, crumpling his messed-up shirt in a fist, and leans on the door frame to watch her. Aqua pulls a book out of a stack deftly with one hand, the other carrying a cheese pastry. She swallows a final bite, licking her fingers (something she’d never do in front of anybody else but him), and meditates on the chew before sitting at her desk. 

He likes her best like this: half-dressed, without her usual corset and sashes, down to nothing else except her shirt and shorts, simple and free. 

Her longest scar creeps out of her backless shirt. A snake, a reminder of the damage Keyblades are capable of: they never heal and barely fade. This is why wielders shouldn’t raise them against people. 

Gluing her attention to an open book, Aqua reaches over for more cheese pastry, but her hand meets a plate of crumbs. When she realizes, she snaps up, alert as if she’s been robbed, glancing over her shoulder for signs of movement. This is also something she would not appreciate anyone else seeing, how she’s afraid of being alone, how she’s paranoid that she’s actually not.

Terra steps in and taps her shoulder before she could ask him what happened to the pastry. “That looked delicious.” 

She blinks, slowly absorbing his words; she doesn’t feel well today, nothing to be ashamed of. Terra says nothing else. This way, he doesn’t bring more attention to the fact. He won’t touch her so she doesn’t feel coddled (despite how much he wants to). He won’t crack a dumb joke when there’s better moments for them. This way, she keeps her dignity. 

When Aqua sees the smears and handprints on him, her eyes finally find reality. “What happened to you?” She stands up and swipes the stain on his chest. It’s dry but not enough, leaving a mark of gray on her fingers. 

“An accident.” Terra clears his throat, trying to seem unbothered. Just another day in the castle. Everyone gets covered in ink, what’s the big deal?

If she hears the hesitation in his voice (and she should, she knows him too well), she doesn’t care, marching to their bathroom. The sink turns on. 

“What kind of an accident?” she calls. The water flow is disturbed. She’s washing her own hands first. 

“Eh, we spilled some ink,” Terra says, praying to the stars she won’t interrogate further. He tosses his ruined shirt into a wastebasket and opens the first dresser drawer for another. Gone are the days when Terra used to stuff his clothes into a heap; Aqua likes to fold every single article, his on one side and hers on the other. 

“What does that mean?”

“It’s fixable, I promise.” At least he hopes there’s some magic spell in some book somewhere that could lift ink out of cracks of wood.

He goes down one drawer for pants and it’s the same story. 

Down to the middle for socks and underwear, each tightly rolled. Tucked into the back of this one are two newly purchased books, their hardcovers wrapped in plain paper so that anyone peeking in couldn’t read the titles. Edited with illustrations of anatomy, they are lectures of techniques on what to try with your partner. Where to place your hands, how to play with your fingers and tongues, how to listen, when to take it slow and when to take it fast...

“Here,” Aqua says from behind him. She has a wet rag. It’s warm as she gently rubs it into his skin, across the spread of his chest. Her other hand is splayed on his hip. 

Just the thought of those books now, of slipping her out of that shirt, the stains on his stomach be damned—

“Am I going to get mad at you?”

Be damned. Terra smirks in a way to invite her to join along with him. “At both of us. But... You never stay too angry for too long so… Why worry about it?”

She pauses. “What are you rambling about?”

“Nothing.” He glances away. “It happened in the new classroom.”

She digs the rag into the groove above the diaphragm as if contemplating his vivisection. A stream of water drips over his belly button, into the hem of his pants, down the dips of his pelvis, between his inner thighs. Let her get mad. Be damned. 

“How bad is it?” Her voice is hard.

He caresses the small of her back, which is right now tense and stretched as she makes herself seem taller, like she’s about to take him on. “You’re smart. You’ll figure something out.” She opens her mouth to say something and he kisses the bottom lip. “I’ll do the dishes for three months. That’s enough atonement, right?”

Aqua clenches her teeth into a false smile, nails now leaving divots on his skin. “And the cooking.”

“Sounds fair.”

“And the gardening.”

“Now you’re pushing it.”

She continues to clean him, this time rubbing harder. It leaves his skin lightly raw. “You’re not in any position to bargain.”

“Do you expect me to beg?” 

“Then beg.”

Terra would be lying if he says he doesn’t find this side of her hot. She’s a splash of freshwater that would bring him back from the brink. The woman standing in front of him chooses to clean him despite the shower being paces away. She’s the same girl who would plant an extra candle on his birthday cakes, for the year to come. To her, maybe it meant little or nothing. Stars, she’s beautiful, and he doesn’t say it enough. 

“You’re doing better,” she says, leveling her voice, nodding to herself as if checking her information. That’s Aqua. Putting aside her annoyance for the sake of making sure he’s taken care of. “You’re not flinching as much.”

Maybe. Her touch is absolutely making the hairs on his neck stand. It is absolutely driving his dick insane. “You know, Ven’s okay with us.”

She stops. “He said something?”

“Kind of. He doesn’t want to know or see or hear anything.”

Her eyes go wide. “Excuse me?”

“He never said he actually heard anything.” He kisses her temple and lets it linger there, taking the opportunity to inhale her smell. Even when she sweats and spars for hours, there’s still a sweetness. Terra laughs into her hair. “He doesn’t want to know nicknames, either.”

Aqua flashes him a look.

“Now we have to,” says Terra. “We don’t have a choice.”

“What should we use?” Aqua moves to his abs, fighting an amused smile that’s twisting its way to her lips. 

“Terr-able.”

“That one is awful. I think Terr-bear fits you better.”

“So you admit I’m big, strong, and scary?”

“I admit you’re adorable sometimes.”

Terra purses his lips. “What about you?”

She shrugs. “Maybe Aquamarine.”

“How about Aquafina?”

“That’s worse.”

“Babe?”

“Absolutely not.”

“We could call him Ven-tilation.”

“Stop.”

He follows his instinct to lower his head so when she laughs with him, their lips meet. They kiss everyday, but the first taste of the hour is always the one to discharge his breath, like he’s been underwater and she’s giving him the chance to surface. 

“You’re going to get me dirty,” she says, giggling into his mouth.

He moves to her neck. “A little mess doesn’t hurt anybody.”

It’s when he brushes his fingers across her back, skating over the scar, coiled like rose thorns, that he hitches. Across from them is her vanity mirror. The scar is still red despite its age of twelve years. He’s so stupid. 

“This again?” she whispers. She’s not upset but disappointed, though in him or in herself, he can’t tell. Moments like these are weird, when he can’t read what she’s thinking. Working on the straps on his left arm, she pulls off his gauntlet, finger by finger. 

“I wish you would tell me,” he whispers back, as if having the conversation at a normal volume would shake them up. 

She turns his bracer to make its removal easier. “I already did.”

“I wish you would be honest with me.” He leans his chin on her head, feeling her fingers slide down his arm. 

“I am.” She flicks a knob and slips off the couter from his elbow. “You want me to tell you it was you who did this to me,” she continues, unbuckling the pauldron on his shoulder. “But it wasn’t.”

“I know better.”

“I know better.”

“It was done with my hands.”

To that she says nothing, rubbing the rag down his exposed left bicep. Ink had run under the armor. Darkness seeps in even with protection. 

She sighs. “Promise me you won’t obsess over it.”

He really shouldn’t but… he nods.

Aqua hesitates anyway. Taking him by the wrist, she presses his right hand on the rib under her left breast. “This one was his.” She warns with her eyes. “Not yours.”

Terra can’t feel anything through her shirt. He slips it under, running the pads of his fingers across the bumps and ridges. This one was his, this one with the gnarly tear right through the middle of the scar tissue, a ravine rupturing open. This one would have been done by that nameless silver Keyblade, with its sharp, ornate frills and that giant hook at the tip of it. It would have caught her skin as it tried to disconnect her body from her heart. And Terra? He’s had so much to lose and nothing to give back.

Terra holds his Aqua close as he continues to read the scar, how deep the hook sunk in, how she must have dodged back and broke that connection. 

“Did it hurt?” he asks. 

She sighs like she finds something amusing. Or trying to. She shudders, closing what little is left of the gaps between their bodies. “The Realm of Darkness numbs everything. I don’t think I felt it much.”

The view from their window looks over blossoming fields under mist, what’s left of snow capping just the mountaintops, everything else green. She’s lucky. So is he, ridiculously enough. 

“I should have done more to stop it,” he says.

“You can’t continue to say things like that.” She swallows and stares at the wall. “What about the person I’ve become? I wouldn’t be here, standing in this room, now. It changed me. The Realm of Darkness did things to me that I’ll never be able to claim back. I will never be able to remedy it. I never wanted it, but I don’t know if I deserved it.”

“You didn’t.”

“I couldn’t make mistakes, in case I got hurt. I couldn’t be vulnerable. I had to be brave.”

“You already are.” 

“And now I’m like stone.”

Terra presses his forehead to hers. “No, you’re not like stone at all.”

Aqua buries her face into his shoulder, anchoring herself to his waist. It’s so unlike her, to be unable to look him directly in the eyes. Whatever she has to say scares her. “You’re here, and I’m here. I give you my scars and you give me yours and… I don’t know if I would trade that for something else. For something that looks better on the outside. Every moment we shared since you woke up, how could I want to erase them? I need you, Terra. I have to chip away somehow. I’m braver now, to hold you like this.”

She says it like she has her chest cavity open, heart beating to open air. 

She’s brave for not crying. 

She’s brave for telling him what she can’t say right now. I’m braver now, to hold you like this. (I love you.)

He lifts her chin to kiss her. (I loved you first.) 

She drops the rag to hold his face. 

Before, their kisses were desperate, thirsty and famished, hoping to be found. Now, they’re deliberate, wandering but not lost. She tastes like sugar and flesh, her tongue inside with his, slow and careful. Their needs have more definition this time: please, and more, and yes, again. 

Terra indulges in the impulse to press her onto him. She should feel how greedy he is, her chest arched against his. She’s soft and he’s in love. 

“Where is Ven?” she says, breathless. 

“Probably showering,” he mumbles.

She waves her hand and the door slams shut. 

“I said probably,” Terra murmurs, but his mind turns off when she kisses him again. Who cares what Ven hears?

Aqua treads slower. She tempts Terra’s tongue to seek her out, puckering her lips around it and giving it a small tug. 

“Touch me, please,” he begs.

The sound of his pants unbuttoning makes his heart hammer, his entire groin anticipating for what’s next. When, when, when. Terra closes his eyes. Her hand glides down, palm first, his breath snagging when she wraps her fingers around his erection. His pants are at his ankles, Aqua is on her knees, and she presses a kiss right under the tip, where it’s most sensitive, before licking the entire length. Terra buckles. He catches the dresser behind him to keep standing. 

“Shhh,” she breathes onto him. It shoots a spark from his stomach to his scalp. 

Terra braces his teeth with his finger to shut himself up. He watches her work. She takes him in bite-size pieces, snail-tracking with her tongue before her lips close in on him. Fuck. She sucks while she pulls. Fuck. To see her like this, Master Aqua with poise, with grace, with affection and care—with him in her mouth. The hand wrapped around him squeezes tighter, and the other comes up to meet him at the testicles. 

He stifles another moan, staring at the ripples of the drywall, listening to the feathered tap of spring rain on the window and the noise she’s making. His erection twitches against the roof of her mouth, and he has to restrain himself from thrusting into her. Maybe he can let go and let be, finally throw himself off the cliff, ride the thrill all the way. Give it his all.

But he can’t. The moment gooseflesh spreads across his inner thighs, the moment he feels full, is the start. The floor will rip out from under him, the lights will go off, he will fall, he will lose all his fingers, he won’t remember anything, he’ll be the monster who makes her cry.

“I can’t,” he hisses, pushing her off. “I can’t.” He lurches over his knees, his insides twisting at the sudden cutoff, aching as it throbs and shrivels. He was so close. They were just laughing a few minutes ago. Stupid body, stupid mind. “Damn it,” he groans, pounding the dresser.

“Hey, you’re okay,” she says softly, holding him by the elbow. “You’re safe at home.”

“It doesn’t feel that way.” He digs his eyes into his palm, his body faraway like it’s a glass vial with his soul dumped inside. “Help me.”

Without letting him go, Aqua braces him with something cold—the rag, now on his lower back. It slaps him back to the bedroom, his beige carpet, the mist outside clearing out to a view of a forest that separates the castle from the mountains. 

She greets him with a smile. “You really did something to yourself,” she says, cleaning him like it’s a lazy weekend day and there’s a list of chores. 

Terra straightens up, shivers riding all the way up to his shoulders. “It’s so frustrating.”

“Don’t worry, Terra,” she says, softer and lower. “There’s no need to rush. I’ll wait.”

“But I’m tired of feeling caged up and stuck. I just want some semblance of control.” 

Aqua kisses him on the shoulder to shoo away the haunting for a few seconds. “I’m here, anytime you need me. Would you like me to run you a bath?”

“No.” The rag is likely caked with ink, but its iciness is unlike the chill of clammy sweat a few seconds old. Every frigid touch is a reminder that he’s alive. “This is nice.”

Aqua runs the rag up his spine. “You know what I think? If we’re going to call each other pet names in front of Ven, we should have guests over.”

Terra snorts. “That’s evil.”

“He won’t be able to bark at us in front of other people.”

“I think I’m a bad influence on you.”

“I think you’re right.”

Terra sighs at her touch, cold at his neck, at his hairline. Like a light at the front porch in the dead of night, like hot tea on a sick day, she is what it feels like to come home.

She tells him, “Lean your head back a little,” and he obliges, letting her reach behind his ears. Her cheeks are flushed, her lips swollen, her hair frizzy, eyes blue and focused as she takes care of him. 

“I can still kiss you, right?” 

“You don’t have to ask.”

Tilting his chin down, he does. He braids his fingers into hers; from the rag they’re like icicles, and he brings them to his heart. 

They’re barely millimeters apart, but he’s still in that cage. If only he could be touched the way he needs. If only the lock trapping him inside the cage is brittle and easy to crumble. What if he tries to test it? What if he finds there is nothing at all? Stupid mind. What if there are several, each of them needing unique keys when he has none, no hope of ever knowing what real freedom is? Stupid body. 

Should he pretend? Should he try over and over, to slam his head against the bars each time? Should he submit, should he accept he will never have what he wants? 

Life has made him uneager to trust. But her lips have a deliciousness unmatched by anything he’s ever tasted, and he’s still a silly, stupid man.

“Let me try again,” he says, breathing deeply. “I want to make you feel good.”

She’s surprised. “Only if you’re comfortable.”

“It will make me feel better.”

“...Okay,” she says so modestly. Terra never figured out how to knock it into her head that he wants to give her everything, that he is so, so guilty.

He invites her into an embrace, growing desperate the more he detaches his mind. Her body, the curve from her waist to her hips. The brush of her body against his reminds him that while he is naked, she is not. He picks her up by the thighs. Lost in the momentum of deep kisses, he carries her to bed, straddling her on his lap.

She hums. “The… the sheets.”

Dry, messy layers of ink still track down his legs. He groans into her mouth. She’s grinding him, and while he really likes that, it makes it incredibly difficult to take her clothes off, one hand rising the hem of her shirt and the other deep under her shorts, cupping her ass. 

“Whatever, we can wash them later,” she says, lifting her arms up. 

Her bare breasts—stars, this is what it feels like to come home. 

“Kiss me,” she says, and he replies, nibbling down her neck, coming down to her breasts, where his lips and his tongue and his murmurs take in her nipples as they perk. Aqua stays quiet, leaning onto his shoulders. 

There’s something about her amazing body, the silk of skin draped over defined muscle, treasure and tenderness in his hands, that he’s needy for. Every time he tries to define what that means, his mind ceases to function. 

Xehanort tried to take it all away from him. If he lived, Terra would crush every tooth bloody. Damn him.

How dare Xehanort do this to him, lock him in this cage, keep him away from her? Damn him.

Why is he thinking about Xehanort?

“Are you okay?”

Terra is frozen, the nub of a nipple suctioned in his mouth. Oh, for fuck’s sake.

He lets her breast go with a pop. “I’m redirecting.” Leading her to the mattress, Terra lowers himself into her arms, but he’s halted by a light kiss and a hold of his face.

“Do you need me to check in on you?” she asks.

“No.” He smiles, kissing her with all the hope that she psychically understands his body is about to burst open, if only from the lack of space for the appreciation he keeps nurturing for her. “Thank you, but I’m okay.”

She nods, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs. “You take your time.”

Oh, he will. No more interruptions. Focus on the smell of her skin, on the collarbone at the base of her neck. Right here, it makes her bite her lip. On the hollow between her breasts, the sound of her breath getting heavy. On the slight movement of her legs as she instinctively responds, spreading them, hooking around his. The buoyancy of her breasts in his mouth. The way she arches to push them against his face. 

Under that left breast is the scar, tightly knitted.

The purpose for living is for memories, not reminders. Do not linger. Do not think about the cage. Terra lightly kisses it and continues downward. 

Terra’s fingers glide down, a caress at the hips, a squeeze of her ass, running a mile of goosebumps as he bunches her shorts and panties and pulls them off. Her skin is streaked with fingerprints of gray, at most of the places he’s been. Aqua shivers as his lips brush the sides of her waist, as he traces his tongue and inhales the dips of her pelvis, as he loops his arms under her thighs, as he kisses her between the legs. She gasps. He licks from bottom to top, sucking on the clitoris once, then starts over.

Footsteps walk by outside their bedroom door.

Aqua jerks up. “Terra,” she whispers, warning him.

“Hm?” Stars, what now? “Here.” He grabs the comforter and throws it over her head. She chuckles as she wraps both of them in hiding. “Relax,” he whispers back. “He’s not going to hear anything.” Not that Ven opts to stay; his footsteps are already fading away.

He goes back to work, and hears her sigh—it’s loud enough to make him look up but too hushed to escape the sheets. Bottom to top. Again. Again. She cloaks the sound of her moans with the comforter plastered on her face. 

It’s her taste. It’s the softness and suppleness of the skin between her legs. The way she fastens her knees over his shoulders, how wet she is. Her reaction. When he tongues the inside of her slit, she jerks, chewing her lip hard enough to make it white. Master Aqua, with poise and grace, for her there’s only love and the way his tongue curls up. 

Her fist crumples the sheet—it holds her own breast, caresses her stomach down to rake through his hair and hold him there. 

“Don’t stop,” she breathes.

Stars, that did it. He’s hard again. He drapes his arms over her pelvis, using his fingers to open her up so he has more access to her clit. She bucks, and he holds her down. 

Her entire body trembles: the first sign that she’s running off her own edge. 

Terra strokes her, the outside lips, the tease inside, the puckering motions. She’s a sweet, musky taste he can’t compare to anything else.

Aqua throws herself back on the pillow. Her thighs crush his head, and she clamps her hand on her mouth like a topper. Her mewl shudders and stops, it heaves, it mumbles. The wave rises then crashes, and she finishes with a long sigh, a release, a settlement, a tempered peace.

It feels so good to listen to her. Terra rests his head on her hip and brings a hand to his erection. A little bit of freedom paid with a little bit of control. 

“I’m ready,” he says. “I need you.”

She hums in contentment, fixing the comforter so they’re completely covered and opening her arms to him. “Come here.”

Terra crawls over her, bracketing her body like he’s a fort, tethering her fingers to his and cradling her head in a protective halo with his arms. Aqua has to spread her legs wide to take on his thick waist, and she breaks her kisses with whimpers when he enters—she’s always more sensitive after he goes down on her. 

She’s warm and tight, oh stars. Massaging him as he moves inside her. Their bodies compress into each other, hers curled up to mold against the way he rocks his hips, as though the subtle air between would have split them up too far, as though he can melt into her when he pushes, their hearts only separated by muscle and bone. He plants a messy kiss on her cheek, exhaling and inhaling in rhythms opposite of hers, her breath loud against his ear, tickling his neck.

Here it comes again, the oncoming of the precipice where he has to step off. 

Fuck.

He can’t do it.

At the sprint towards the edge of the cliff, he skids and scrambles to hang by the rockface. Terra grunts, all his muscles seizing up as he holds his breath.

Aqua strokes his hair. “Do you want to stop?”

Of course not. “Give me a minute.”

“Remember, you’re safe.”

Terra nearly chokes. “I’m scared of losing control.”

“You won’t. You’re in control.”

In control. The intent to wring his fingers through the bars, a sleight of hand to balance the padlock like it’s on strings, turning it over and pulling it out of the latch. But Terra is no escape artist. 

Terra licks his lips. He’s not in danger. He should trust she’ll catch him when he falls. In her arms, there’s no safer place to be. He has to remember this. Shut that mind up.

“I want to continue.” 

She rubs his back. It’s soothing. “Tell me what you need.”

Terra smirks. “To get back in the mood.” He takes one deep kiss. “Entice me.”

Her insides squeeze him and he trembles. “How is that?” she asks.

“Do it again.”

She wraps her ankles over his back and squeezes. He hums into her shoulder. 

“Again.”

This time, she takes back her kiss.

“Don’t let me go,” he says, and she hugs him tightly. 

He starts slow. Terra leans on his elbows, bunching the comforter in his fist so it stays in place. She looks at him with half-lidded eyes, a healthy red blush, her mouth gently open, cast in the filtered glow of a secret, sweaty cocoon. This body he’s thrusting into, the lips he’s kissing, may the stars bless her. 

“Aqua.”

“You feel so good.”

She stole the words right out of his mouth, squeezing his hips again. 

“Oh,” he moans. It provokes him to thrust harder, deeper, feel her, feel her breasts bouncing under him, feel her moans coming from her throat, the desperation in the way she squirms with her hands. She massages his slick back, her nails digging in.

There. 

Let him throw himself off. Give it his all.

“Don’t let me go,” he repeats.

“I won’t.”

He throws himself off. It’s not the wind thrashing him all the way down. Instead it’s fire, a combustion of flames in his muscles as his entire body submits to its force, leaving his knees weak. A flash of white that blurs everything he sees, a hurricane that knocks his mind into a stupor, a delicious burn that slicks over his body, trickling embers on top of sweat, hot and cool, good and better, good and fucking good. Terra shoves his face into her shoulder to muffle the sounds of groans escaping him, shuddering as the climax picks up again, a body alight in an ignition that throws him out of any awareness. 

His eyes prick when he finally remembers where he is. Aqua is safeguarding him with a strong hold, keeping him in place with her. He sighs. The cinders that continue to radiate heat leave him with a hearth to wrap himself into, a happiness that he never thought he would ever feel again.

Aqua sniffs. She wipes tears onto his shoulder.

“We really should stop crying at these things,” he says.

She snorts, refusing to let her grip on him slack. “You did amazing. How are you feeling?”

“I’m…” he mumbles. Stars, wow. His arms can’t pick him up anymore but it’s a gratifying cloud to ride. He shifts his legs, alleviating the weight of his body. “A little weak.” 

She runs a hand on the back of his head, coaxing him to rest on her chest. “When did you know?” she asks, brushing hair off his damp forehead. “That you wanted to kiss me? You must have spent some time thinking about it before it happened.”

Terra smiles into her chest. Somehow, they’ve never talked about it. “Long after I knew I was going to marry you.”

He feels her laugh. “Is that so? I’m going to marry you?”

“You will.” He looks up at her grinning face. “I can see the future.”

She scoffs. “You can see my eyes rolling at you.”

“I knew before you did.”

“Prove it.”

“I was seven.”

“You’re older than me, that doesn’t count.”

“You asked me to have a tea party with you, but the one thing that bothered you most”—he brings up his hand, pinky out—“was that I wasn’t drinking my tea right.” He mimics the high pitch of a little girl’s voice. “Pinky out. Pinky out, Terra, don’t be a slob.”

She gapes. “I don’t remember any of that.”

With renewed will, he props himself up, leaning close so their noses touch. “I knew then. That early on.”

“Since when is this a competition?”

“Still the first to know.”

Aqua interrupts what she’s about to say, like she’s about to step into cold water. She’s having an epiphany. Vulnerable again, like she’s allowing him to cut her right down the middle. 

“I love you.”

She says it like the touch of a high note on a piano, a beautiful accident. 

He leans closer, lips to lips, whispering, “I still got there first.” 

She laughs into him. “I suppose, but I was the first to say it.”

“Then I’ll be the second,” Terra says. Like coming home, a shelter to withstand the downpour, that births life to the roots, that thunders, that opens for a clear day, he brushes her hair out of her eyes. “I love you.”

“Too,” she corrects. “You love me, too.” 

A knock on their door jolts them, like a hard punch to the stomach.

“Okay, Terra,” Ven says from the other side. “I thought about it and I’m trying out this knocking thing.”

Wrong timing. Wrong timing.

“I’m going to kill him,” Terra hisses, and against Aqua’s hushed chuckles, he throws the comforter off their bodies and announces, “Ven, we’re naked.”

The silence that comes after is as loud as the crash of a chandelier. Terra can feel Ven recoil, a tea pot at the verge of whistling. “I didn’t need to know that!” Terra is about to reply but Ven groans dramatically. “I AM NEVER GOING TO KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR AGAIN.”

Ven stomps away, and if the door was actually open, he’d slam it. 

Terra sits on his knees, pinching his nose. It’s hot in this room. He feels clogged again, back at the edge of the cliff. He wants to strangle Ven for dragging the moment away from him. “Great, I pissed him off.”

“Poor Ven.” When she sits up, Terra pulls her to him, sitting her on one of his thighs. “I can’t predict if he’ll ever get over that,” she says, balancing herself by hooking her arms around his neck. 

Terra presses his lips to her ear, whispering, “But I did predict that you wouldn’t stay mad at me for long.”

She slaps his bicep. “I haven’t seen what you’ve done yet. Don’t be so proud of yourself.”

“But I am.”

“You’re still a slob.”

Slobby as he is, Aqua hugs him dearly. Hold her, you never know when the dream will end. You never know when the cage takes you back.

“I don’t know if,” Terra says, “it will be difficult for me next time.”

“Then it may be difficult,” Aqua says, kissing his forehead. “But it will be okay.”

Hold her. Not passively. Not half-minded. Hold her tightly. Hold her in the quiet, undisturbed, uninterrupted.

A drop of hot liquid spills from between her legs and drips down his thigh, almost burning. When Terra looks down to see that it’s white, Aqua jumps.

“Oh,” she squeaks.

“Oh. That would be me.”

She squeals, hiding her blush. “I’m going to wash up.” 

“Such a slob.”

Aqua giggles, looking him in the eye when she rubs his chest. “Come with me?”

“Go ahead.” He kisses her. “I’ll catch up.”

If anyone told him twelve years ago that hope feels like a long day full of small conversations, the anticipation of cleaning a messy room, Terra would have considered that cynical. A sarcastic joke, the loss of the will to dream. 

Twelve years later, it’s the sound of the shower running that teaches him to look forward to the next day, when he wakes up next to her, when he prepares dinner with her, when he kisses her in the middle of the night and play all over again. Peace is a long-distance acquaintance, a pen pal that urges you to look at your day like a spectacle.

Terra leans back to twist the latch of the window open, letting the spring haze billow in. Much better, the room is cooler now. The sky is bluer somehow, the mountains as grand as a painting.

[mulletcal]

triple word score - an ashton irwin blurb.

a/n: okay sO this is the third part to this little mini series i’ve been doing i guess, i’ll link part one and two below.  @sexgodashton​ said i should write a part three and who am i to say no to writing some more ash content???

word count: 3.6k

warnings: okay so there is smut, and more smut, there is light dom!ash in this, use of the nickname kitten, thigh riding, choking, use of the word ‘daddy’ once.... and i think that’s it???

part one | part two 

----

It had been nearly a month since your kiss with Ashton, and in your mind things were going quite swimmingly.  You had weekly dates where one of you would make dinner, followed by Scrabble just for something fun, and to cap the night off you would watch a movie until you would pass out on his couch with your head in his lap.  His niece left around two weeks in, finally being allowed to travel within the country.  Ashton whispered to you one night how he missed having her around, and you promised that you would remind him to call her in the morning.

The two of you hadn’t ventured into the outside world just yet, nor had you made things official.  You hadn’t minded though, content to stay in your own little bubble of exchanging baked goods and cuddles.  One other thing that happened to be gnawing at the back of your mind, was that you hadn’t made things physical yet - You were trying to be respectful of his boundaries, but everytime Ashton smiled a certain way, or he smacked your ass teasingly, it made your head spin. Figuring that maybe you could make the first move, you’d suggested maybe going somewhere more romantic for your date that week; somewhere still private but different enough that maybe it could set the mood.

Thursday rolled around, and you had just finished packing up the small picnic that you had made for the two of you before you heard your doorbell ring.  Eagerly making your way towards the door, you pulled it open with a wide grin, only to see Ashton standing there with a small bouquet of flowers.

“For me?” You teased, placing your hand on your chest as you let out a overdramatic gasp, “You shouldn’t have.”

“I mean, I know I brought cookies the very first time we met, but since this is our first outside world date I thought I’d make an effort,” Ashton grinned sheepishly, not unaware of the fact that your eyes were dragging down his chest, taking in the short sleeved black button down he was wearing, or the pants that hugged his thighs just right.  “Wanna take a picture? Might last longer.”

“Couldn’t help it, you look fantastic tonight,” Your eyes finally met his, and your smile got even wider as you caught the slightest hint of mischief in his eyes.

“Sure you’re not lookin’ in a mirror there, sweetheart? Because the only one I see right now that looks fantastic is you.”

Swatting his arm with the flowers, you tugged him inside so you could put the flowers into a vase.  You made sure to sway your hips a little extra, if only to pick up the movement in your dress, but it didn’t hurt if Ashton’s eyes lingered a little longer on your behind.  Ashton made small talk as you got the flowers prepared for the water, giggling when he told you that his niece had met a boy and she had a crush.

“Did you tell her to make some cookies?” You tossed him a glance which only made his smile grow bigger.

“Well of course, worked on you didn’t it?”

Rolling your eyes, you set the flowers down finally, turning to grab the small basket you had packed full of goodies.  Cocking your head to the side, you smiled up at him, “Ready to go?”

“Mmhm, wish you would tell me where we’re goin’ though so I can be sure I’m not about to get murdered by Little Red Riding Hood,” Ashton laughed softly, tugging on your dress.  Your plan may just work after all.

“Ash we’re just going on a little picnic!”

“At night?” He questioned, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you close, “Listen I’ll trust you for now.  But as soon as things go south I’ll run.”

You pecked his lips, reassuring once again that you weren’t planning on killing him before you tugged him out of the door.  You had decided to drive, to keep an added element of surprise to your date with Ashton.  It wasn’t something that was overly extravagant, you were going to take him to the lake nearby that seemed to look pretty at night, the lights of the city reflecting onto the water.

The drive to the lake was short, Ashton nervously bouncing his leg the whole time.  You wondered briefly if he actually thought you were going to kill him.  The two of you were no longer the strangers that played Words with Friends from a distance - instead, you were on the brink of a relationship, well maybe, hopefully you were.

Pulling into a vacant parking spot, Ashton looked over at you with a confused look, “The lake?”

“Yeah! I thought that maybe we could set up a little picnic, if you’re up for it,” You spoke, a small blush tinting at your cheeks.

“This is different from our Scrabble nights,” He brought your fingers to his lips, kissing them gently before leaning in to kiss you gently right after. 

“Oh don’t worry, I have plans for that later.”

With that, you got out of your car, Ashton quickly grabbed the basket from the backseat, rounding the back to reach his hand out to yours.  Smiling brightly up at him, you took it and squeezed gently.  

The two of you walked a bit of a distance before settling on where to lay the blanket down, settling in as you pulled out the snacks, including the chocolate covered strawberries you had made.  That particular food item earned you a quirked brow from Ashton, drawing a giggle from your lips.

Your date was uneventful, the real excitement planned for later; it wasn’t long after the food had been finished that Ashton sensed you were eager to get home.  The way you sat up on your knees and kept glancing around, mostly back in the direction of your car.

“Bored of me already, are you?” Ashton asked, a cheeky grin pulling at his lips.

“No! I just… I have something else planned for us, wanna get going?”

Ashton’s brows furrowed, nodding in response to your question.  He helped you to pack up the basket once more, leaning up to kiss his cheek in thanks as he finished the cleanup - shooing you away to the car.

Driving back, time seemed to move even slower, and Ashton seemed just as nervous.  Grabbing his hand to stop his nervous drumming, he let out a soft exhale.

“I hate not knowing what’s going on,” Ashton pouted, turning to give you his best puppy dog eyes in hopes that you may tell him. 

“Those gorgeous eyes may lure me in normally, but not tonight.  You’re gonna have to wait till we get back to my place.”

A soft huff escapes Ashton’s lips, a childlike pout on his lips as you continued on.  It wasn’t until you had made your way inside and picked up the Scrabble box and wiggled your eyebrows suggestively did Ashton’s face change.

“What’s with the face?”

“Told you I had plans for this later.  What if I asked you if you wanted to play strip Scrabble?” Your eyebrows raised suggestively once more.

Ashton’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, a small grin tugging at his lips as he looked from you to the box, “How long have you been plotting this, hm?”

The air in the room shifted, but you stepped closer to Ashton, setting the box aside, “You game or not?”

Ashton’s eyes dragged down your body, sending shivers down your spine, “You’re wearing a lot less clothes than me sweetheart.”

“Well, good thing I’m better at Scrabble than you, Boomer,” Your finger dragged down his chest, casually popping open the top button before Ashton swatted your hand away.

“That’s cheating, and how many times do I need to tell you m’not a fuckin’ boomer!”

You barely missed his playful swat moving past him so you could set up the board on the coffee table.  Ashton sat across from you, close enough so that your feet were brushing against one anothers. You were kind of unclear of the rules as far as specifics, but you knew  the basics of: who ever scored higher each turn, removed an article of clothing.

You had been doing well so far at beating Ashton, but of course he was being a tease about it - starting with his shoes one at a time, followed by his socks, and his belt.  He got you a couple of times, resulting in you losing your shoes, but you knew that your next thing to go would be your dress, having nothing else left to lose.

Without a thought, you had put down the word ‘cunning’, taking advantage of the triple letter score for the ‘U’, assuming Ashton wouldn’t have anything better so he’d finally be forced to remove his shirt.  What you weren’t expecting, though, is for Ashton to put down the letters L-I-N-G-U-S’.

“You know that’s not how it’s spelt right?” You asked, leaning your elbows against the couch with a smirk.

“We know the end goal, so I think you could let this one slip, hm? Lose the dress, kitten.”

Your mouth fell open with a soft gasp, the new nickname sending a thrill through your veins- but still, you couldn’t make it easy on him, “What’s in it for me if I let you have this?”

Ashton wasted no time sliding over to close the gap between the two of you, his thigh now brushing against yours.  His left hand reached across to trail feather-light touches up your thigh, “Want me to show you, or just tell you?”

This was a side of Ashton you hadn’t seen before, but the look in his eyes made your mouth dry, struggling to find the words to say.  You wanted to continue the banter, but your want for him far outweighed your need to be borderline bratty in that moment.

“Not so bold now are you, kitten?” Ashton hummed, brushing his nose across your neck, causing you to suck in a sharp breath.  “You gonna take this dress off or am I going to have to rip it? Would be a shame to ruin such a nice dress.”

You made a small attempt to catch your breath, but all attempts were thrown out the window as Ashton nipped your neck gently, causing you to squeak.  Moving your fingers to the bottom of your dress, you moved far too slow for Ashton’s liking, his hands coming to cover yours and pushing your dress up further until it was over your head.  

A slow smirk spread over his lips when his eyes landed on the matching black set you had put on, fingers gingerly tracing the patterns of the lace.

“Someone had big plans for tonight, hm?” Ashton motioned for you to get onto the couch, pushing the coffee table away from the two of you so he could have more space.  

When you sat up on the couch, you were suddenly very conscious, aware of the beautiful raven-haired man sitting on the floor in front of you, hazel eyes looking up at you with a hint of mischief playing in them.  What if he was disappointed?

Ashton didn’t give you much room to explore your insecurities, long fingers coaxing your legs apart.  You were expecting him to remove the underwear to get better access, but instead he began to rub at your core through the fabric, the friction of the lace making you arch into his touch.  His lips were busy marking the insides of your thighs, and you couldn’t help the sharp gasp that left your lips.

“Feel good?” He asked with a wink, applying more pressure against you.

“Yes,” You breathed, reaching down to run your fingers through his hair.

Without another word, Ashton lowered his head, closer and closer, until he finally began to suck right over your clit.  You had to cover your mouth to keep from screaming at the sudden change of pressure.  

“Shit Ash,” A soft moan was able to slip past your lips, your chest heaving already with him having hardly done anything - you knew you were fucked, literally and figuratively as you felt the pressure of his tongue moving against you.  “I can take these off if you wa--”

“You think you deserve it? After teasing me all night, kitten?” Ashton pulled away, bringing his fingers up to pull the fabric taught against you to get your attention, “Look at me when I’m speaking to you.”

The tone in his voice had your eyes snapping open in a second - maybe he wouldn’t be too weirded out at the idea that you’re alright being spit on.  You had a sense always that sex with Ashton would be good, but he’d already surpassed good in the very little he had done to you already. 

“I didn’t tease you,” You lied, finally meeting his eyes and licking your lips hastily.

Ashton narrowed his eyes, leaning his head against your thigh, “Would be sad if I had to stop here, love.  You wanna try that again? Try and tell me you weren’t flaunting that perfect ass in front of me, or the suggestive touches on our picnic, and the biggest offense of all the strip Scrabble.” He let out a soft laugh, rubbing his stubble against your thigh which raised goosebumps on your skin.

You knew you were beat - you were putty in his hands and all you wanted was for him to touch you more.  To feel his long fingers against you, in you even.  “I’m sorry for teasing you,” You said with a pout.

Your admittance brought his grin back, lifting his head off of your thigh and letting the fabric go, “You don’t get off that easy, but I guess I can forgive you.”

Ashton tugged the fabric just enough to expose your entrance, slipping a finger into you and bringing his lips back to your still covered clit.  You cursed under your breath, annoyed more than anything that he didn’t want to just take it off all together.  He added a second finger not long after the first, much to your satisfaction.  Ashton’s movements were working faster than they were before, more determined.  The friction and the feeling of his fingers sending you barreling towards the edge, fingers tangled in his hair.

He must have known that you were close, likely able to feel you, because he pulled away all at once, leaving you whimpering at the sudden loss of sensation.

“Ash, what the fu--”

“I said you’re not getting off that easy, kitten,” Ashton licked his lips, bringing his fingers to his mouth to clean them off. 

That image alone could have gotten you off, but you were excited to see what else he had in mind. 

Ashton stood from his previous position, holding out his hands to help you stand up, “We’re going to your bedroom, need more room than this.”

Chewing on your lip, you followed him as he led the way to your room, your breathing still laboured from being so close to the edge only a minute before.  When you both got to your room, Ashton let go of your hand so he could sit on the bed.

“Take the rest of your clothes off.”

“You’re still wearing more clothes than me, baby,” You said sweetly, trailing your finger down his chest, finger catching at the fabric where the remaining few buttons had been done up.

Ashton grabbed your wrist gently, looking up at you, “Did I stutter?”

This side of Ashton kept very pleasantly surprising you, and you kept it in the back of your mind to ask him later what he was in to - though you were already getting a sense of what that may be.

You stepped back from him, Ashton letting your wrist drop so you could strip.  Testing your limits, you made a show of it, fingers slipping the straps of your bra slowly down your arms, followed by reaching behind you to pretend like you were struggling to get it undone.  

Ashton made a sound of annoyance, letting you finish your teasing, thinking you were in control for even a split second.  When you were fully undressed, Ashton tugged on your hands, but he stopped you when you went to straddle his lap, instead settling his thigh in between your legs. 

“You really can’t resist teasing me, hm?” Ashton whispered against your ear, your body responding with a small shiver.  “You want to cum? Now you’re going to have to show me you deserve it.”

His hands guided your hips to move against his, and you quickly got the hint of what he wanted you to do.  Bracing your hands on his shoulders, you began to grind yourself against his thigh on your own, his hands moving to your thighs, a firm reminder that he could go back to moving your hips at a pace he chose.

“Please, Ash,” You whimpered, “The pressure is too much.  Want you…” Your head dropped into the crook of his neck, almost pathetically pressing down harder against his thigh.  “Need you.”

Your nails were digging into his shoulders, whimpering soft pleas into his ear.  You were trying to be good, in a way afraid Ashton would leave all together if you let yourself go and came just from his thigh, but it was getting increasingly more difficult to hold off.  

You were about to give up on trying to be good when Ashton’s hands gripped your hips, stopping your movements, earning him a grunt of frustration from you. 

“You’ve made quite the mess, kitten.  You wanna be fucked so bad you were ready to get off on my thigh alone.  Lay down on the bed.”

You obeyed, finally deciding your desire overruled your need for being a brat in that moment.  Laying back on the bed, you watched Ashton get undressed, pressing your thighs together when his eyes lifted to meet yours. 

“There are condoms in the drawer,” You managed to say, eyes never leaving Ashton’s body.

Nodding, it felt like it took forever for him to open the package and slide the condom on - but then again, maybe he was trying to tease you in the ways you had teased him earlier.  Making you wait to feel him was probably the worst punishment you could receive.

The bed dipped as he crawled onto it, hovering over you before pressing his lips to yours, “Ready love?”

Him going back and forth between ‘kitten’ and ‘love’ made you grin, tangling your fingers in his hair and bringing him back down for another deep kiss; you tried to push the feelings of butterflies bubbling in your stomach away when you finally nodded, waiting for Ashton to move to between your legs instead.

Even though minutes before he was teasing the fuck out of you, and you him, he was soft in that moment - the fact not lost on either of you that this was your first time having sex together, after all the build up to it the last couple of months.  Ashton took hold of himself, pressing against your entrance and sliding in slowly, his eyes shooting up to your face to make sure that you were alright.

He felt better than you could have ever imagined, filling you in all of the right ways.  You could tell that he was waiting for you to adjust, so you moving your hips against him encouraged him to move too.  Ashton’s thrusts started slow and steady, each drag of him against your walls pulling a moan from you. 

He used one of his hands to hike your leg up, the new angle causing him to go deeper, earning a new set of noises coming from your throat.  Ashton’s pace sped up, small grunts leaving his mouth, allowing his free hand to roam your body.  His hand settled on your breast, rolling your nipple between his fingertips.

You weren’t sure if it was the arousal coursing through your veins, or the fact that you felt somehow safe with Ashton, but you took his wrist and dragged it up to your throat, giving him a nod that it was okay.

His hips stuttered at the action, throwing him off of his rhythm a little bit, “Kitten’s got claws, does she?” Ashton squeezed gently, the restriction to your airway sending a new wave of thrill through your body.  

Ashton wasn’t sure if either of you could hold off any longer, and he was eager to see your face as you came apart beneath him.  He let your leg go so he could lean forward, whispering in your ear, “You wanna cum, kitten?”

“Yes… Please, daddy.”  The words were out of your mouth before you had a chance to even think about it, but it didn’t seem to affect Ashton, but rather encourage him.  His thrusts were sloppy, letting go of your neck to focus on his movements.

It took less than a minute before you were being sent over the edge, the sensation of being teased and edged aiding to what was quite possibly the most intense orgasm you had ever felt.  Ashton followed not too long after, his fingers holding your hips so tight you were certain to find bruises the next morning.

When he collapsed beside you, you immediately curled into his side while you tried to catch your breath.  Ashton wrapped his arms around you, pressing his lips to your forehead when he began to laugh. 

“What’s funny?” You asked, tilting your chin up to look at him.

“You somehow managed to get the triple letter score in the game, and got the triple word score just now.”

Smirking, you pressed your lips to his cheek, “What can I say? I don’t lose.”

tag list:  @haikucal​ @talkfastromance4​ @softbabiestan​ @calum-uncrowned​ @wildflowerirwin​ @irwindoll​ @gosh-im-short​ @atlcalm​ @thesubtweeter​ @heavenisapeach​ @ridingcthood​ @loveroflrh​ @mantlereid​ @inlovehoodx​ @irwinkitten​ @n-ctarinenga​​ @g-l-pierce​ @thecurlsofgod​

[hopelessromanticspoonie]

Come Away With Me

Masterlist here

Characters: Tom Hiddleston x Female Best Friend Reader

Summary: The fact that you’re overworked is obvious. Tom takes matters into his own hands and whisks you away on a private holiday. Will your mutual pining finally make itself known in the secluded setting?

Warnings: A bit of swearing, some sexual innuendo, responsible alcohol consumption.

Word Count: 3.7k

A/N: This is based off a request from @sabine-leo for a caring Tom to whisk away his best friend on a short break away from it all! Congratulations on your 3k followers, sweetheart! They are all very much deserved. <3

Also, thank you to @just-the-hiddles​ and @nonsensicalobsessions​ for giving this a glance and being amazing cheerleaders!

“Are you at home?”

A groan erupted from somewhere deep inside you, unbidden and unstoppable, in response to the heavenly ache of your feet flexing after slipping out of your shoes after a long day at work. You reached underneath your shirt and unhooked your bra, pulling it through the sleeve of your top to drop it onto the bed beside you. Bliss.

“Just got here.”

“You are working yourself to death. You should’ve been home hours ago. Have you eaten?” Tom’s exasperation bled through the tinny speaker on your phone, laced with concern that spread a comforting warmth inside your chest.

Your free hand snagged your comfiest lounge clothes from their rightful place in a pile on your dresser. Food hadn’t even been a concern with the stress that overrode your thoughts, consuming you and eating away at your sanity piece by piece. “Nope. I think there’s a granola bar in the pantry. Not that hungry.”

The faint but distinct sound of a car door slamming made it through the phone. “I’ll be over in thirty with the usual. No friend of mine will take such poor care of herself on my watch.”

There was no arguing with the stubborn man; a grateful smile tugged on your lips. “Thanks, Tom.”

“Love you.”

Tossing the phone onto your bed, you shoved the mismatched pajama pants and ratty t-shirt into a dresser drawer. Perhaps something a bit more put together and flattering if Tom was going to pop over…

~

“We’re going on holiday. Next week, Friday, as soon as you’re free from work.”

You almost choked on the beer you’d tilted to your lips. Coughing against the burning liquid searing your lungs, you set it down, staring at Tom with wide eyes as he rubbed your back in soothing circles that sizzled across your skin. When you could gasp a breath, you managed to blurt out, “Delusional-celebrity-best-friend-with-all-the-money-in-the-world says what?”

He chuckled, a light, breathy sound that you couldn’t help but answer with your own quiet laugh. “You are working yourself to the bone. Ah ah,” he picked his hand up off of your back and pointed a stern finger in your direction when you opened your mouth to deny it. “From one chronically, albeit self-imposed, overworked soul to another, there is no use pretending that you aren’t exhausted and in need of a break. Do whatever you must do to get your affairs in order, but you’re mine for three days.”

Damn if the demanding timbre of his voice didn’t send chills down your spine. You hid it by shifting on the couch beside him, dropping your eyes to the takeout carton in front of you. “You know I can’t aff-”

His hand settled on your knee, large and warm while his thumb brushed the outside of your leg. “Don’t force me to go on a weekend getaway all alone.”

There wasn’t any use attempting to fight the hopeful expression lifting his eyebrows and crinkling around his eyes.

~

Keys. Underwear. Swimsuit. Presentable pajamas. Enough outfits to last the trip. Charger.

The doorbell rang, pulling you out of your mental checklist as you stared critically at the open luggage sitting by the door. “It’s open!”

Tom strolled into the room, letting the cold in with him, greeting you with a warm hug and a kiss to your temple before joining you in looking at your suitcase with his arm draped over your shoulders. “Are we waiting for it to put itself in the car, or…?”

You slapped his chest lightly, the soft knit of his crimson sweater taking most of the force, before kneeling down to gather your things. “Just making sure I have everything. My brain is still a bit fuzzy after work today.”

He swept your belongings from your grasp with a wink and a smile that sent your heart skittering in your chest for his earnest beauty. This time alone was going to be the death of you. “I’ll pop this into the boot while you grab your coat and lock up.”

Your entire body gave into the exhaustion that had tugged on you relentlessly for what seemed like ages as soon as you sank into the heated interior of his car, surrounded by the gentle masculine scent of his cologne and oiled leather seats. Tom’s face was only partially lit by the occasional streetlamp or the glow of the dashboard as he guided his sleek car out of the city proper and into the countryside.

You’d wanted to stay awake, to watch the glow of small towns passing by, count the stars uninhibited by light pollution, even just pester him about where you were going, but it was all too easy to fall asleep rocked by the gentle turns of the car and lulled by Tom’s rich voice humming along quietly to the radio.

~

The typical sounds of busy city streets were absent when you woke. You frowned, blinking against the gray light streaming in through the windows as you sat up in a bed that was decidedly not your own. The previous night came back to you in groggy snapshots as you rubbed at the sleep in your eyes.

Tom gently shaking you awake. Guiding you to bed with his arm around your waist. Helping you out of your shoes and socks before picking out some nightclothes for you. Tucking you in and pressing a kiss to your cheek before telling you that he loved you. The brush of his hand across your forehead.

You didn’t even know where you were; you’d been too tired to ask the previous night. Running a hand through your mussed hair, you stumbled out of bed, staring out the window to see nothing but dense fog covering gently rolling hills. Not the most helpful scene for determining your location, but the peace of it all allowed you to take a deep breath that rolled through your body to settle deep in your soul.

The steaming hot shower loosened the muscles in your shoulders. The soft clothes that you slipped into erased the lines in between your brows. A pot of coffee waited in the quaint, but well-stocked, kitchen next to a note covered in chicken scratch meant to be words, maybe. Some squinting allowed you to pick out:

”Off on a run. Enjoy the coffee and relax. Be back soon. - Love”

With a mug warming your hands and a throw from the gray cloth couch in the living room tossed around your shoulders, you padded out in your socked feet onto the weathered deck that wrapped around the exterior of the cozy cabin Tom had rented. A chilling breeze rustling through barren trees was the only sound that reached your ears besides the soft blow of your breath to cool down your coffee. It was absolutely still, gifting you with a peace that only air perfumed with moist earth, crisp frost, and fresh evergreen could afford.

The cold was just about unbearable, fighting against your thin socks to sap the feeling from your toes, when a figure jogged down a gravel road to your left. It was easy to recognize the graceful silhouette of the man who’d whisked you away on this vacation, the lean lines of his body hard to mistake for anyone else even shrouded in mist and fog not yet burned by the rising sun. He loped up next to you, his chest heaving beneath his black t-shirt that was absolutely stuck to his skin with the sweat he’d worked up from his vigorous exercise.

Cheeks flushed. Eyes bright and focused as he smiled down at you. Hands carding through his hair - a dull copper in the light of the gray day. He was a vision. It was like your heart forgot how to beat. The intense desire to hear that ragged breathing in a different, more intimate setting, welled up within you so powerfully that you were thankful for the excuse of another sip of coffee to draw your eyes downward.

“Good morning, darling.” He leaned against the wooden railing behind you, squeezing your upper arm in greeting along the way. “Did you sleep well?”

You placed your finished mug down beside him, wrapping yourself tighter in your makeshift cape as you studied the fine figure of the man before you with a grin. “I did. Best sleep I’ve had in a long time, thanks to a certain someone carting me off to the middle of nowhere and then helping me into bed.”

His face fell with a sudden vulnerability that nearly split your heart in two it was so complete. “With how little time we both had available, somewhere close was the best option. And with the propensity for paparazzi to find me, I wanted both of us to relax without worry of intrusion. I apologize if it isn’t to your liking…”

You reached out and grabbed his hand without thinking. A shiver coursed through your body at the chill the opening in your blanket let in against your practically useless pajamas, but you’d do anything, risk any discomfort, to ease any tension in that man’s life. “No, no! It’s perfect. How about you go take a shower and I’ll whip us up some breakfast?”

He pressed a quick kiss to your head. Your lovesick heart convinced you that his lips, wonderfully soft and warm, lingered a second longer than appropriate between friends, that he inhaled the scent of your still-damp hair, but that was a fool’s wish driven by unrequited pining. “You spoil me.”

You pushed at his chest and crinkled your nose with a laugh. “Says the man who bankrolled this whole thing. Go. Shower!”

A mischievous twinkle lit up his eyes before he pulled you into a tight hug, swaying you back and forth as he forced your face into his damp chest with loud laughter that shook you both. You expected to be repulsed, but the clean scent of his sweat was so masculine and heady that you had to work hard to force your hands to push away at his sides instead of tugging him closer. The urge to tear off his shirt and watch the muscles flexing beneath your fingertips clenched deep in your belly. “Now you need a shower, too!”

“Get off me, you brat!” You wriggled out from his hold, blanket falling to your feet, mouth pulled back into an easy grin. The weight that had lingered on your chest for weeks lifted fully from his antics, and you knew he saw the tension disappear from the warmth that suffused his thoughtful gaze.

He swaggered towards you, a cowboy from westerns long ago in holey athletic wear and a finely accented voice that made your knees weaken, dropping his chin to rest his forehead against yours. “We could save water and shower together.”

Did he know the effect he had on you? Swallowing against the sudden moisture in your throat, you shoved him in the direction of the door, shaking your head. “Go!”

The frigid air biting at your flushed cheeks was very much welcomed after he disappeared. You sank back against the wooden planks of the house. With a drop of your head against the siding, you groaned, closing your eyes and crossing your fingers that you wouldn’t make a fool of yourself alone with Tom. If he continued on the path he was on, you weren’t certain of that success.

~

After a dinner of his world-famous bolognese with pasta and garlic bread, you sat on the couch next to one another, him picking idly at his guitar and humming little tunes as you watched him and sipped at your beer.

“You’re infuriating, you know that?” You softened the words with a broad smile, shifting so that you faced him with your legs tucked underneath you.

His brows quirked upwards as he looked up at you from his deft fingers plucking at the strings. The idle melody never ceased as he replied, “Am I, now?”

The drinks, the delicious food, the comfort that you felt in his presence all worked together to loosen your lips in a daring way you’d never risk otherwise. “For sure. You’re an amazing actor, you can cook, you dance, you’re so bloody handsome that it hurts to look at you sometimes, you saw that I needed a break and demanded that I come with you on this adventure, and if I recall correctly, you did have a movie that revolved a great deal of singing.”

A bashful flush spread across his cheeks, and his eyes dropped to his fingers which had slowly stilled during your tipsy admission. When he looked back up to you, heat darkened his gaze, and your blood pounded in your ears at the promises you read within. “Is that a challenge?”

“Is what a challenge?”

He rose from the couch and turned to face you fully. With a calming breath, he launched into Hey Good Lookin’. But unlike the movie version that you had watched religiously because of the haunting beauty of his character, this was slower, quieter, more intimate. Your fingers dug into the cushions beneath you as he held you captive beneath his powerful stare, all intoxication having melted away from him to deliver the song straight to the heart beating an impossibly fast drum against your ribcage.

You didn’t know how to proceed. Your body screamed at you to stand up, step into his embrace after taking the guitar from his hands, and give him what he’d asked for in roughly delivered song. But your mind cautioned you. It knew better. Knew that any flirting from him was most likely hope on your part. He was friendly, kind, affectionate in his trust. That was all.

So he moved for you, carefully placing the guitar on the couch before holding out his hand to you palm up in an invitation you would never turn down. “Did you bring your swimsuit like I instructed you to?”

~

“You’re absolutely mad!” Even just standing in the living room, staring out the glass doors at the hot tub that you honestly hadn’t even noticed throughout the day, you were shivering from the cold that seeped through the cracks to raise goosebumps on your exposed skin.

Tom stepped out of his bedroom, drawing your gaze with a dark chuckle that did terrible and wonderful things to your tummy. Especially in addition to the sight of him in just his swim shorts, the smattering of light chest hair drawing your attention down the middle of his lightly muscled chest to his abdomen before disappearing beneath thin black fabric. Very thin black fabric. You swallowed against the desire that had you imagining what you’d find if you followed that trail.

“You’ll be fine once you’re in the water!” he reassured you, wrapping an arm around your waist and tugging you outside. He released you to quickly hop into the bubbling water with a gasp and then a rumbled moan that was made of such sin you forgot how to breathe. The sight of the dimples at the base of his spine made your fingers ache to trace the contours of his body until you had the feel of him memorized. Steam billowed from the water in white clouds lit from underneath the bubbles sounding so loudly in the quiet of the night. You swore you saw Tom’s eyes dart to your chest where the unforgiving temperature made itself known through the thin fabric of your suit. “The longer you resist the colder you’ll get!”

Steeling both your electrified nerves and your raging hormones, you slid into the water beside him, sounding your own moan at the heat that slowly penetrated the layer of cold that surrounded you like a second skin. Your bare shoulders and neck still felt the brunt of the winter air, though, and you drifted closer to Tom. “I can’t dunk my whole body in here, Hiddleston. What’s your solution to that?”

With a questioning look over your flustered face, the draw of his eyes from yours to your lips and back again, he lifted his arm from between you to pull your weightless body in the water until you sat sideways in his lap. His arm curled around your shoulders so his thumb could tease your collarbone, ridding you of any rational thought as you tried to grasp the new turn of events.

Tom had always been affectionate, freely doling out hugs, kisses on your temple, and even words of praise when the opportunity presented itself. But this? The curl of his breath against your neck and the rasp of his thumb over the hollow of your throat, it felt like something more. A continuation of the unsaid words littered between you on the couch earlier.

“Is this alright?” he whispered, barely audible over the bubbling tub, but you felt the words just as you heard them, traveling through your side pressed into the planes of his chest to wrap around your heart.

If only he knew how very much it wasn’t alright. How the press of his thighs into yours and the feeling of his heart racing against your arm was sending so many mixed signals that your brain threatened to short-circuit and spill smoke from your ears. Hesitantly, you twisted your torso just enough to hook your arm around his neck, scratching idly at his scalp. It was far more comfortable for you, but judging by the sharp intake of his breath, perhaps it wasn’t for him.

“Yes. Is this alright?”

He dropped his forehead to rest on your bare shoulder and tightened his grip on you ever so slightly. But you’d notice any minute twitch of his body with how attuned you were to the wonderful man holding you close. “Perfect.”

Despite the anxious energy bordering on heartbreak simmering beneath your skin wherever you melted into him, you had to agree. What more had you wanted out of life than to sit in a hot tub in Tom’s tender embrace, staring at the stars and just breathing each other in?

~

“You continue spoiling me like this and you’ll have to move in with me whenever we get back,” you teased, hugging him from behind, your face finding a home in the dip of his spine between his shoulder blades, your hands smoothing over the flat of his abdomen.

“I think that if we ever moved in together, you would come stay at mine,” he chuckled, dropping the spatula currently tending to the eggs for a proper fry-up to close a hand over yours. His fingertips danced over your knuckles. “You needed a bit of pampering, and I am fully up to the task. Breakfast is about finished, if you could get a few plates?”

When you turned back to him after grabbing two plates big enough to handle the absolutely massive amount of food he’d prepared, Tom was right in front of you, the food left unattended on the stove. Indecision warred in his eyes, and his hands fidgeted with the edges of the apron he’d thrown on over his t-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms.

The sudden shift in his mood was so immediate that you immediately put the plates down on the counter. “You okay?”

A shaky breath. The rub of his hands over his clean-shaven jaw. His lips pressed together and he settled his hands on his hips, dropping his chin to look up at you through golden lashes that caught the light trickling in through the small kitchen window. “I love you.”

Those three words, uttered with such a hesitant, low voice and a somber expression, kickstarted your heart into overdrive. You adjusted your robe around your shoulders. It was a strain to act as if you didn’t simultaneously fall to pieces and soar to the heavens each time he said it, especially so early in the morning and without caffeine. But you managed, plastering on a weary, if a bit confused, grin. “I love you, too.”

A tentative step forward so that you were only a breath away from each other. His hands sought the curve of your waist, skimming over them in a touch so gentle and yet loaded with tension that you thought you’d explode. The various shades of blue, green, and gray that made up his eyes were visible just before his eyelashes feel to caress the tops of his chiseled cheekbones, giving you just a moment to realize what was happening before he touched his lips to yours.

Oh. You couldn’t have stopped your hands from skimming up his torso to cup his shoulders for anything. He pulled away for just a second, unsure by the trembling of his fingers against your sides, panting out puffs of air against your tingling lips.

“I love you,” he repeated, a hoarse whisper caressing your skin. Worry creased in between his brows and the flutter of his jaw.

You silenced his doubts. Your body found a home flush against his, pliant curves to firm planes, holding onto him as if letting him go would wake you from the lusciousness of the dream. Molten heat scented with coffee and sugar spilled out from the hunger of your kiss. You delighted in the taste of his plush lips. The lick of his tongue against the seam of your lips before he sucked and nibbled on your bottom lip was almost your undoing, and you were grateful for his neverending strength holding you securely in the band of his arms.

An acrid odor that singed your nostrils broke through your feverish haze to mix unpleasantly with the aftershave that tickled at your nose along his cheek. Both of you sprang apart from the other, turning to see the eggs burning.

“Fuck!” he shouted, ripping the pan from the stove to throw it into the sink. He fanned away the smoke toward the window with flailing hands, but it wasn’t open, and the frantic sight of him after such an intense moment burst the bubble between you. You doubled over for a second, giggling at the ridiculousness of it all.

When you had managed to calm down after opening a few windows, you sank back against the counter, putting on the best pout you could muster despite the happiness singing inside of you. “But I love eggs.”

He quickly trapped you in his arms, spinning you around and peppering kisses up the column of your throat in a way that had you dizzy and breathless. He nipped at your earlobe and growled, “I’ll give you something else to love, darling.”

~

Tidbit of Tom taglist: @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore @ladyblablabla

Whole Shebang taglist: @just-the-hiddles @yespolkadotkitty @nonsensicalobsessions @vodka-and-some-sass @he-is-chaotic-she-is-psychotic @myoxisbroken @brokenthelovely @myworddump @polireader @wiczer @littleredstarfish @the-broken-angel-13 @arch-venus25 @xxloki81xx @jessiejunebug @tinchentitri @sllooney @devilbat @vikkleinpaul @bouquet-o-undercaffeinated-roses @angelus80 @wolfsmom1 @kthemarsian @toozmanykids @claritastantrum @princerowanwhitethorngalathynius​ @sabine-leo​ @lovesmesomehiddles​ @peterman-spideyparker​ @wegingerangelica​ @bluefrenchfries604​ @catsladen @snoopy3000​ @silverswordthekilljoy​ @villainousshakespeare​

[fratboyvivimatthews]

distraction: a joel farabee au

chapter one

summary: you find out some important news from someone other than joel

word count: 13.2k

distraction masterlist

the playlist

warning this piece contains mature content 

-

your head was rested against pam’s shoulder as you, her, and your mother were seated on your bed. pam’s eyes still full of tears, ones for her now long gone youngest son. “i don’t get it,” you huffed while picking your head up from pam’s shoulder while you did so. looking between both women in your life as you tried your hardest not to cry. “why can’t i talk to him?” 

pam’s arms wrapped around your waist to pull in closer to her, your mother just giving you a sad smile. “i wish i could tell you why honey, but even i don’t know the realize reason as to why they won’t let you talk to him,” she explained, because unlike you pam was given an address in cicero, new york along with a phone number she could call him at. 

“but i do know why,” you mumbled, both mother’s ears perking up waiting for your confession. “it’s because i’m a distraction to joel. that’s why they sent him away, because of me.” pam’s arms wrapped around you tighter seeing the tears ready  to slip out of your eyes. 

“shh, y/n you’re not a distraction honey,” your mom cooed. her hand running up and down your back. “you could never be a distraction to joel, and you know that.” you didn’t even bother picking your head up, not wanting them to see your tears as they fell down your cheeks for the best friend you had just lost. it had only been a month since he’d left and it was ruining you. “they just needed to send him away for training and-” 

“and because i was a distraction!” you cried, head pulling up from pam’s chest. your now red stained e/c eyes on full display, puffy cheeks to join in and completely the look for you. “that’s why i can’t talk to him, that’s why they won’t let me talk to him. because i was just a distraction to him, not even a best friend.” 

you watched as both shared a look before pam handed off you to your own flesh and blood. “who told you that you’re a distraction y/n?” your mom asked, tilting your chin up so you’d look at her. “because i know for a fact you didn’t just start thinking this by yourself. my young, strong, confident daughter would never.”  your eyes glanced over to pam you nodded her head to agree with your mom, her best friend, the two of them knew you better than you knew yourself. “now out with it sunshine, who told you that you were a distraction to joel?” 

looking down at your lap you started to bite your lip, not wanting to out dave and your own father. “y/n, you can tell us. nothing’s going to happen when you do,” pam informed, reaching over to brush her fingers down your arm in a comforting way. 

“it was dad and dave. they came up to me a couple weeks before the idea of joel being sent away came around,” you whispered, eyes focused on your hands, not daring to look over at your mother and pam. “they - they said that if he was going to cicero it was because i was too distracting to joel. not letting him focus on what he needed to be, and that - that joel having a thing for me wasn’t helping him take over the mob anytime soon.” 

you rested your head on your moms chest so you could see the look on pam’s face. your mother’s left hand was pressing your head deeper into your chest, not wanting you to hear what either of them were suddenly whispering about. “they told her that?” pam exclaimed, eyes glancing from you to yours moms. “i can’t believe this.” 

“i can’t either, pam. this is ridiculous. should we talk to them, or what should we do?” you mom then asked, before tilting her head down and pressed a kiss against your forehead. you watched as pam gave your mother a certain look and you could feel her body move as she nodded her head. “honey we’re going to go okay? are you going to be okay?” your mom asked while slowly moving away from you. 

you hummed, “i’ll be okay. i’ll probably just stay in here and do i don’t what. there’s nothing to do now without j.” 

your mom gave you a sad smile as she brushed her hand against your cheek, “we’ll figure something out okay honey? i’ll come and get you before dinner?” you nodded your head before watching all of them walking out of your room and closing the door behind you. their whispers being taken with them as you figured they walked down the hall to pam and your moms shared study. leaving you to curl up with a pillow and cry yourself to sleep because of exhaustion. 

the reason why you couldn’t talk to joel circling through your mind: you would always just be a distraction. 

-

the feeling of someone punching your shoulder had you looking up from your book. “are you coming or not? we’re supposed to be sparring,” jackson tutted as he walked past you and towards the doors that lead to the gym in the basement. your eyes moved away from the blond and down to your phone in your lap, the calendar notification “joel comes home!” sitting at the top underneath the time and date like it had for the past two months. seeing as no one gave you an exact date as of when your best friend would be returning to you, but you were grateful for the somewhat of a time frame. “y/n come on, don’t be ridiculous, joel’s never coming back.” 

sighing you stood up from your seat on the farabee’s couch, setting your book down and putting on the end table before following jackson. part of you was trying not to succumb to those thoughts of joel never coming back, especially since it had been two months exactly to date. it had been two months since your dad and dave walked into your bedroom, smiles on their faces and told you the news that joel would finally be coming home. and since then you’ve only thought about the now eighteen year old. you hadn’t seen in him three years so you had no idea what he had looked like. maybe he finally grew into his body. got all the muscle he had always told you he had, but didn’t, well yet. but most of all you prayed to god he was still your same joel deep down somewhere. 

“he’s coming back,” you retorted, shoving jackson as you walked past him. throwing open the door to walk down the stairs to the gym. “i know he is.” you whispered the second part to yourself, jackson not needing to hear your form of confirmation that he was coming back. because why would your fathers lie to you about that? why would they get your hopes up only for them to fall flat on the ground? they wouldn’t. 

right? 

sighing you let your thoughts fill your head as you pulled your sweatshirt off to reveal your sports bra, your go to for when you were in training, as long as you weren’t in the shooting range. walking over to the lockers you opened yours, threw your sweatshirt in it, and pulled your all black tennis shoes out. slipping them on over your ankle socks seeing as your yoga pants were normally your go to for when you were sparring someone. “i get you think he’s coming back, but you have to let it go y/n/n. joel farabee is never coming back. just forget about him, and worry about yourself for once in your life.” you nodded your head, but not because he was right, but because you wanted him to drop the subject. 

sighing you walked on to the mat, jackson throwing your hand wraps at you only seconds later. “someone’s eager to get their ass handed to them,” you sassed, eyes staring right at him since you’d gotten so good at wrapping your own hands you could do it in your sleep. “getting your ass handed to you three times on monday wasn’t enough taylor?” 

the boy shot you a smirk before nodding his head towards the center of the mat. “i guess you can say that i have i’m eager to improve, not get my ass handed to me l/n,” he replied before cracking his neck. “plus who knows, maybe i’ll be handing you yours ass for once y/n.”

scoffing you rolled your eyes, “in your dreams taylor. the only person who can beat me is-” only you cut yourself off before you could say his name. even though it was the truth, and you believed with everything in you that he was coming home. “joel. the only person who could beat me is joel.” clenching your knuckles you walked to the center, clearing your throat as you did, “so are you ready to go then?” 

the blond nodded his head, jumping a couple times while you just held your hands up in front of your face. putting up a defensive act only for the time being. once jackson was squared up, you were sidestepping to your right before landing a hard blow against his jaw, then sending a left hook into his side. jumping into a defensive position once more as he took a swing at you, one that you ultimately blocked. “gotta be quicker than that taylor if you want to win for once,” you taunted, turning to send a kick into his head only this time jackson was quick enough to duck. 

“oh you mean like that?” 

rolling your eyes, and with both feet on the ground, you squared back up. trying to think of how you could take this fully into your advantage. only while you were stuck in your head felt a blow to your side, one that barely did anything. “congrats, you actually hit me this time,” you drawled right in line as landed and upper hook to jackson’s jaw. you watched as he moved it with a groan before he tried to take a shot at you -- one that you easily dodged by stepping to the left, then sending a kick to his head. 

“what the fuck y/n, i thought we both agreed to not go as hard anymore,” jackson huffed, lunging towards you. shrugging your shoulders you took a step back, ducking underneath his next advance. “this is not taking it easy just so you know.” 

“i thought you wanted to get better jackson?” you asked, head turning towards the stairs at the sound of the door opening and closing. disregarding it you focused back at the task at hand, which was handing jackson taylor his ass. for the fourth time that week. cracking your neck you sidestepped, waiting to draw him out and take the chance.right when the opportunity presented itself you were taking it, sending what you thought would be the final blow, to jackson. it was one upper cut followed by a roundhouse kick. the poor blond was stumbling back before finally falling to the ground. 

right in time too, “taylor who’s that beating your ass?” you’d know his voice anywhere, and for some reason it caused your heart to skip a beat. whipping around with your hands on your hips you narrowed your eyes over at him. 

“what you can’t recognize your best friend after three years farabee?” you sassed crossing your arms over your chest, finally going to take in his appearance. and god did those three years do him all the justice you figured they would. even just in a black t-shirt, and all black jeans he had your heart racing in your chest. not to mention the fact his silver chain was hanging low on his chest. you almost missed the louis vuitton belt holding his jeans up, leaving out the white crew neck socks and all white trainers. 

joel’s mouth was dropped open as he stared over at you, “no fucking way. that is not you y/n/n, not way.” your eyebrows raised as you nodded your head. “holy shit, wow.” 

right as your mouth opened to speak you felt a gasp fall past them, and you were laying flat on your back groaning. instantly you could joel’s now deep laugh ring throughout your ears and  the room while you forced yourself to sit back up, glaring over at jackson. “what the fuck,” you seethed, marching over to him and pinned him down to the ground. “i had you down, i won.” 

“no you started googly eyes once joel walked in and i took advantage of it,” jackson countered, trying to push you off of him only he couldn’t. you had both his arms pinned to the side of his body, and your knees driving into the tops of his thighs. “okay ow, can you let me up please y/n/n?” 

rolling your eyes you nodded, “sure of course jackson.” only instead of letting him up right away you drove your knee into his ribs, watching the tears fill his eyes. “there now we’re even, and just so you know jackson taylor, that’s four times this week.” you moved off of him sitting down on the mat, staring up at joel as you watched from the corner of your eye jackson get up and leave. joel was standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, head tilted to the side as he narrowed his eyes at you. 

“what’s that look for joely, never seen a girl win a fight before?” you joked, before patting the spot on the mat next to you. “because if that’s the fact you should get used to it, i never lose anymore.” the smirk on your face was cocky, one that was too cocky for joel’s liking. 

“oh really y/n/n? you never lose?” 

“never.” 

he nodded his head, “okay let’s go. right here right now, and i bet you y/n l/n that you lose.” 

“alright, i wanna see you put your money where your mouth is joel farabee.” you reached your hand out over to him, which he grabbed to help pull you up to your feet. you now chest to chest with him. there was a shit eating grin on his face once he stepped back away from you, his hands going to grab the collar of his shirt, and it was safe to say you were speechless. you let out a huff before raising one eyebrow, “shouldn’t you be taking off those jeans, not your shirt?” 

licking his lips joel rolled his brown eyes, “you wish i was sweetheart.” 

it shouldn’t have caused your heart rate to spike, but it did. “yeah in your dreams joel, in your dreams.” you were quick to turn away from facing him so he didn’t see your blushing cheeks. “are you gonna wrap your hands or are we just gonna go?” you then asked, watching as he had already started to tape the black wraps to his hands. 

“sweetheart this isn’t my first go, of course i’m gonna wrap my hands.” your eyes rolled as your turned to face him once more, tapping your foot impatiently as you waited for him taking his precision time. “don’t tap your foot at me y/n/n, not very nice of you. you should be grateful you get to see me after three years, so there should be foot tapping coming my way.” 

biting your lip you shot him a look, keeping your foot tapping against the mat. “why don’t you make me j, oh wait you can’t. because you can’t beat me,” your tone was breathy as you stepped on your tippy-toes to meet his height. joel’s brown eyes rolled at you before pushing your shoulders back so you’d square up. right a way you did so looking over at him from above the tops of your knuckles. not even after a ten seconds of waiting joel was trying to make a swing at you. however, you were quicker and dropped down to rest on the balls of your feet. smirking to yourself as you sideswiped joel and took his feet right out from under him. 

a loud groan fell past his lips while you crawled over to him. straddling his waist as you did, leaning over so your hands were resting next to his head while hardening your look at him. “you pulled your punch to let me win, didn’t you j?” 

a soft smile graced joel’s lips for the first time since he got home and saw you. “i may be the son of the biggest mob boss in philly, but i’m not that scummy of a person y/n. i mean do i look like jackson?” he asked, reaching up and pushing the pieces of your hair that had fallen out of your ponytail behind your ear. the both of you started to laugh at the shot made at one of your guys closests friends. 

“no you don’t j, at all,” you breathed before smiling down at him. the both of you just staring at each other until it finally hit you. the memories of him walking out the door, and a smirk crossed your face. “so you still got that crush on me?” you prodded, every single bone in your body praying that he did. 

right away joel’s face scrunched up in a look of distaste, “what crush? i never had a crush on you y/n/n. you’re mistaking. big time.” 

“mhm,” you hummed while leaning back to rest all of your weight on his waist, your hands resting down on his chest. “so if you didn’t have a crush on me, then why were you about to kiss me before you left?” 

before you could even process another thought joel had the two of you flipped over, and you were flat on your back. his right hand supporting all of his upper body weight resting by your head, his left caressing your cheek, and you already knew he was going to give you an unbelieve amount of shit for how much you were blushing. “oh you mean like this?” he questioned with a boyish grin. his head dropping down to press his lips flush against yours, your arms wrapping up around his neck to pull him even more impossibly close to you. your fingers intertwining with the locks of his brown hair at the nape of his neck. 

you couldn’t help but smile into the kiss, and even when he started to pull away from you, you couldn’t help but keep your eyes closed as you smiled like a fool up at him. once your eyes were finally opened again you were met with his brown ones, and a wide cheeky smile. “so you sure you didn’t have a crush on me?” you sang, your hands dropping from around his neck to run down his fit arms. 

“okay fine,” he sighed while giving you an annoyed eye roll, “i had the hugest crush on you, i still have the hugest crush on you after three years of being away from you. and honestly i think being away from you made it even worse y/n.” 

you bit your lip to bite back the smile playing on your lips, “well now that’s something i like to hear.” with that you were pulling him back down to kiss you, your hands getting lost in hair for what definitely wouldn’t be the last time. 

-

more typey typey>:(

as soon as your eyes opened, you were rolling over to see your shared bed was empty. the divot you’d normally find from joel’s body was gone, along with all of his body heat. sighing you sat up in the king sized bed, one joel had insisted on having, and rolling over to grab your phone which was still plugged in. right away you were met with countless notifications, hoping you’d have a text from joel which you didn’t. it wasn’t an uncommon thing, if he had business to attend to early in the morning there was never a text from him because you didn’t need an explanation since you just knew. only it was things like this that you would’ve liked more of an explanation because you knew he didn’t have and meetings, or things to take care of today. no today he was just supposed to fill out a couple papers, and then he was all yours. 

only now it didn’t seem like you were going to get that. instead of texts from joel you were met with texts from jackson. 

jackson: why didn’t you tell me? 

jackson: y/n, hello. why didn’t you tell me? 

jackson: i’m starting to think you’re ignoring me. 

jackson: or maybe you're still asleep since i just saw joel, and you weren’t glued to his hip.

rolling your eyes you opened you messages with the boy and typed out the response. 

y/n: i’m sorry why didn’t i tell you what? and yes i was still sleeping, and just because i’m not with joel doesn’t mean i’m not awake. i have a life outside of him too, you know. 

right away jackson was typing back to you, and right away you were rolling your eyes again. of course this is what you got to deal with on the one day this month you had joel all to yourself. 

jackson: first of all, why didn’t you tell me joel was going to take over at the end of the month. and secondly, your life is joel. so you better open your eyes and figure that out y/n. 

y/n: what do you mean joel’s taking over at the end of the month jackson. 

jackson: you mean he didn’t tell you? 

jackson: well that explains why you didn’t tell me now

y/n: no, he didn’t tell me jackson. now how the hell did you find this out? 

jackson: you didn’t hear it from me okay? joel’ll kill me if he finds out i told you

huffing out in anger you pushed yourself up from the bed completely, storming over to the french doors that opened up the hallway on the top floor. you didn’t even bother closing them as you stomped your way down the dark hardwood floors. when you got to the stairs you came face to face with one of the men joel trusted the most, enough to stand guard on your guys floor. “good morning y/n, sleep well?” anderson asked with an amused look on his face as he gave you a once over, taking in your appearance of joel’s t-shirt and a pair of his plaid boxers. 

“where the hell is he?” you answered, not even bothering with the questions. 

shaking his head andersen chuckled at you, “down in the office. he told me that you can come in once you got up, oh and that delilah made omelets for breakfast.” nodding your head you patted him on the arm before storming down the stairs not waving at people as you passed as you normally would on any other day. when you got down to the main floor you were walking down the main hallway before taking a hard right to the one that trailed off to joel’s private office. the same one that his father had used for as long as you’ve been alive and even before then too. 

when you came up to the oak doors you didn’t waste any time before you threw them open and made sure to slam them closed, hands on your hips as you watched joel’s brown eyes look up from the stacks of papers that lined the dark wood desk. “what the fuck joel farabee!” you huffed, reminding to thank dave later for making the office sound proof so the whole house couldn’t hear you screaming at your boyfriend. “were you just planning on not telling me and letting me figure it out at the party, or not telling me at all?” 

he shot a smirk over at you before leaning back in the big leather chair, hands going to rest behind his head. his eyes raking over your body, licking his lips as he realized you were standing there claud in only his clothes. “good morning to you too y/n/n. yes, i slept well, and no i haven’t eaten breakfast yet. i was waiting for you to eat with me.” your eyes rolled as you walked over toward him, a hard look still on your face. 

“so you’re still not going to tell me?” you prompted before sitting yourself down in his lap like you did every other day he had to deal with paper work. 

“tell you what princess? that i love you?” he asked with a grin, one of his hands coming down to rest on the skin of your bare thigh. “because i love you.” 

your e/c eyes rolled as you threw your legs over the side of the chair, your arms wrapping around his neck right hand going to curl around his silver chain. “cut the shit farabee,” you huffed, pulling on his chain so he was forced to be face to face with you. “now tell me what i want to know.” 

joel’s hand gave a quick squeeze to your thigh before he smirked down at you, “you know we could use you for interrogations. you could get a lot of guys to talk, less of a mess for me to clean up afterwards.” your mouth opened to speak, ready to tell him that’s what you’ve been saying since you guys had been allowed to work on runs with your fathers, but no. joel claimed it was too dangerous for you to be out there, and now here he was asking for your help. only before you could get your thoughts out he was pressing his lips against your neck. a call of his name fell past your lips as he was quick to suck a mark on your skin. not caring that when you did in fact go out for breakfast anyone could be able to see. “now what was it you wanted to know about love?” he whispered into your ear, eyes glancing over to see yours still squeezed shut. 

they shot right open as you felt his fingers slowly move up your thigh and under the cotton fabric of his boxers. “joel, don’t,” you gasp, your hand letting go of his chain to grasp his wrist and push it away from your thigh. “i didn’t come down here to get fingered. i came down here because you didn’t fucking tell me that your dad was handing everything down to you at the end of the month. you told me it wouldn’t be for at least a couple more months, maybe a year.” 

“well love you’re a little uptight right now, so it looks like you could use it,” he suggested, shoulders shrugging as he did so. right away you shot him a look, one that had him sighing and leaning back so his back was flat against the black leather. “okay, so my dad’s handing the mob down to me at the end of the month. happy now?” your eyes rolled as you went to stand from his lap, only his arms wrapped around your waist to pull you back down. this time with your back flush against his front, his chin resting on your shoulder. “i was planning on telling you y/n/n, i was going to tell you at dinner tonight, but there goes that plan.” 

the mention of dinner had you perking up, when joel said dinner that almost always meant some fancy restaurant just the two of you, and a couple guys to guard the place in case something went wrong, which hadn’t happened yet. “what was the special occasion, just you telling me about the promotion?” you teased while leaning your head back to look at him. “because if that’s the case we still can go, a celebration is still in order j.” 

he hummed before pressing an innocent kiss against your neck this time. “the only celebration i want tonight princess is you cumming on my tongue, fingers, and cock.” you couldn’t help the whipmer that past your lips at his words, his lips curling into a smirk against your neck. “and i take it that you’re not opposed to that idea, are you love?” 

“well you gotta have dinner before you have dessert j,” you grinned, already having an idea on what you could wear just for him to congratulate him on all of his hard work he had put in since before you could remember. everything the both of you had done growing up was leading up to this, and joel was finally able to grab what he had worked so hard for. “so we’re going to dinner, end of discussion. not to mention you'd regret it if we didn’t, considering what i plan on wearing.” with that you stood up from his lap completely, turning to reach your hand out for him. his pupils were blown with lust as he tried to picture every piece of lingerie that you owned. “it’s a waste of time, it’s something new.” 

with that you pulled up him to his feet, his chest right up against yours, “you’re lucky i love you, you know that y/n/n?” 

you hummed before reaching up on your tippy-toes to press a peck against his lips, “i’m aware, now can we go eat breakfast? i’m starving.” joel shot you a frown before you sighed, “yes joel, i love you too, but can we go have breakfast now? anderson told me delilah made omelets.” 

“yes love, we can go eat breakfast,” joel answered, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead. “anything for the princess.” with a playful eyes roll you couldn’t help but smile as joel interlaced your hands and led you out to the hallway, stopping to lock the office before he brought you to the kitchen. the two of you walked in silence before coming to the end of the hallway, your eyes going to look down towards the front door. gaze landing on three men waiting there in all black, dave standing in front of them. “love what are you-” joel cut himself off once his eyes landed on the group. “why don’t you go to the kitchen, my mom’s still in there. i’ll only be a couple of minutes, okay?” 

you nodded your head, eyes still glued to the suspicion group of men. “a couple of minutes,” you confirmed, not bothering to press a kiss against his cheek, because you didn’t know who those men were. and joel’s number one rule was no pda, or any type of affection if there were people you didn’t know in the room. his reasoning being that then that way they couldn’t couldn’t get to him through you, or know that you were his weakness. the same reason you dropped his hand as soon as you came to the end of the hallway. “joel,” you then whispered, finally glancing up to him, “please only be a couple minutes.” 

joel shot you a smirk before leaning over to press a kiss against your forehead, the tell tale sign that once those three men walked in with dave and joel they weren’t walking out. “don’t worry love, i’ll only be a couple minutes. i just do the dirty work, everyone else cleans up after me.”

-

as soon as you stepped out of the shower, and got dried off, you were pulling the the red see through lingerie you had bought just for this occasion. taking the time to admire yourself in the mirror of the large bathroom before walking over to where you had your dress hung up. sliding it off of the velvet hanger you pulled the zipper down before stepping into the tight fit black mini dress. it also came with a high neck so the hickey joel had left painted against your skin was hidden from prying eyes. 

once you had pulled the zipper up again you walked out of the ensuite bathroom and back into yours and joel’s shared room, and there he was. standing in front of the full length mirror tying the navy blue tie around his neck. “what you couldn’t wait five more minutes for me to tie it?” you called, looking back at him over your shoulder. 

“you know i’m not a very patient man y/n/n,” he responded. licking his lips as he took in as much of your appearance as he could. which wasn’t a lot considering that you were now sitting down on the bench for your vanity. “you should wear the red lipstick sweetheart. it looks the best on you,” he then said before sliding up behind you. tie now fixed around the collar of his black dress shirt that went with his all black designer suit. 

“really, the red?” you asked while reaching forward to grab the red lipstick tube. “i would’ve thought you liked something more subtle,” you added while meeting his brown eyes in the vanity mirror. 

leaning over he pressed a kiss against your temple before looking back towards the mirror. “no the red. i like how it looks smeared against my lips after you kiss me, and against my neck,” joel then confessed.

instead of blushing and looking away from him like he figured you would, you smirked back at him in the mirror, “i’ll keep that in mind, but now get away i have to finish getting ready and having you hover over me isn’t really ideal j.” his brown eyes rolled at you before he nodded his head. 

“i’ll go check on the car, see if anderson, grant, dawson, and miles are ready to go. i’ll meet you downstairs my love,” he cooed before pressing another kiss to your temple. you watched in the mirror as he grabbed his black suit jacket before disappearing out of the french doors and down the hall. sighing you looked back to yourself, quickly running a brush through your hair before plugging in your curling iron even though you knew it was going to get ruined as soon as you got back. 

while waiting for it to heat up you grabbed the plastic tube that held the red lipstick joel loved, watching in the mirror to make sure that you were applying it evenly to your lips. satisfied with how your lips looked, you blew yourself a kiss making sure to not waste any time and apply the mascara to your eyelashes, and that’s as far as you would go with make-up.once your curling iron was heated up you were running it through your hair quickly to get those loose curls to accompany your look. 

checking your phone for time you were quick to pull on the all black louis vuitton, the red bottoms of adding a splash of color to your all black look. to finish off the complete look you but the dainty golden chain around the high neck of your dress. smoothing it out so the ‘j’ was resting on the top of your jugular notch. with your phone in hand you gave yourself one more once over before walking out the door of your bedroom. 

you made sure to close it behind you, smiling to yourself as you walked down to the stairs. taking it in that anderson wasn’t there to greet you like you’re so used to. instead you found him standing at the bottom of the stairs talking with joel, grant, miles, and dawson over the escape route, or what would happen if something went wrong. only as soon as they heard your heels on the stairs all of their eyes were looking up to you. 

a smirk grew on joel’s face as he stepped forward to offer his hands for you to grab. “eyes off boys, she’s all mine.” with blushing cheeks you grabbed on  to joel’s hand and let him lead you down to the landing of the stairs. his eyes looking away from yours for a split second so the other four got the message to distrust and leave you two. “you look absolutely stunning my love. the necklace really ties the look all together, if i do say so myself,” he teased, before pressing his lips to the back of your hand.

“of course i’d say that,” you drawled with a playful smile. “it shows that i’m yours, and nobody else's,” you added while slotting yourself right into his side. 

“there’s a lot more things besides a necklace that would show that sweetheart, for instance that hickey on your neck,” he grinned, making you reach up to check if you could see it or not. “gotcha,” he sang. “now let’s get a move on, the reservation is for eight, and it’s almost quarter to.” 

with that joel was reaching behind him to shrug on his suit jacket, causing your eyes to go wide. “wait babe, i forgot a jacket. can i just run upstairs and grab one really quick? please i won’t make us late i promise,” you rambled already letting go of his hand and stepping up on to the first stair. 

only joel shook his head at you, “nope, you can wear this one love. now let’s go.” sighing you nodded before shrugging his black suit jacket on your shoulders before smiling. while pulling the jacket on joel had opened the front door waiting for you to walk, “after you princess.” his hand was resting on the small of your back as the two of you walked out of the house. joel making sure to close the door behind him. the two of you were quiet as you walked down the front stairs to the sleek suv waiting for the two of you. 

“what no limo tonight?” you taunted while shooting joel a look as you slid into the back seat. him following after you. you smiled over to anderson as he shut the door and walked around to the driver’s seat. 

“the limo’s only for the parties,” joel mumbled into the side of your neck. he reached up and pushed your hair back, pressing a gentle kiss to the skin behind your ear. you let out a content sigh as you closed your eyes and leaned into his body. joel’s left hand slipped into your right, squeezing it once more to get you to look over at him. “i love you y/n,” he whispered, low enough so no one other than you would hear it. “and i am so god damn thankful that you’re still sticking by me after all these years, and all the bullshit i’ve put you through. when i was gone, before i was gone, now. i’m sorry for not telling you-” 

leaning over you pressed a kiss to his lips, just a small peck to get him to shut up. “joel i love you too, you know that. but what brought on the sudden apology? you haven’t done anything wrong baby.” your left hand reached over and cupped his right cheek. thumb brushing against his cheek bone. “because you have nothing to apologize for j, that i promise you.” 

he turned his head in your hand to press a kiss against the inside of your palm, a sweet smile following once he turned back to face you fully. “i just felt like i needed to, i didn’t tell you about everything getting handed down to me at the end of the month” 

“yeah but j, baby, you were going to tell me tonight so it’s okay, i promise you that. you know that i don’t lie to you, so please know that it’s the truth j,” you smiled, this time you squeezed his hand. pressing another kiss against his lips. 

“i know you don’t babygirl, you’d never lie to me and i’m well aware of that,” he informed with a proud smile on his lips. his brown eyes pulled away from yours to look down at his left wrist, his sweet demeanor changing once he saw the time. “and look at that, we’re going to be right on time sweetheart.” before you could get another word out, anderson was pulling the car over on the side of the road, and putting it in park. 

joel pulled away from you, his hand letting go of yours and putting it to rest on your bare thigh before anderson could turn around. “grant’s staying in this car, it’s going to be parked in the back. dawson and i are coming in. we’ll see you guys in there a couple of minutes,” joel’s third in command explained. your boyfriend nodded to agree with the plan, opening the car door. 

he had gotten out first, waiting for you to slid out after him. you were quick to thank the man in the driver’s seat before following joel to get out of the car. “ruth’s chris, really?” you asked him with a raised eyebrow. “what’s the special occasion? because the last time we were here was for for when jesse proposed to mia so your dad didn’t arrange a marriage for him - wait, you’re not proposing are you? because joel i love you and all, but i-i i don’t know if we’re ready for that yet,” you started to ramble, feeling all the color drain from your face. 

of course you love joel, and of course you wanted to marry him. but you figured all of this would happen in at least a year from now, not right now. joel shook his head while you both started to make your way inside of the emptied out restaurant. “no princess i’m not, but i guess it’s a relief to know that you don’t want to marry me,” he teased before nudging your shoulder. 

“oh shut the hell up farabee,” you huffed walking in front of him and the only table lit up by a candle. you could hear joel’s deep laugh as he followed behind you, his hand reaching down to grab your ass for a quick second before leaning over you and smirking. you gasped before pushing his hand away from your body, “joel!” he couldn’t help but start laughing as he kept pushing you over towards the table where the waiter was already standing with the menus for the two of you. “we’re in public, can’t you keep it in your pants for at least another hour?” 

he licked his lips before looking over you once more, his jacket around your body just adding into the fact of how good you looked. “an hour baby, that’s all we’ve got because when we get back you’re in for a real treat. well maybe i’m in for a treat, not so much you.” the smirk that was on his face had your knees wobbling as you kept walking over towards the table. “but here, let me get your chair for you sweetheart.” with that joel pulled the chair out for you, helping you out of his jacket and resting it on the back of the chair before pushing it back in once you sat down.

“good evening mr. farabee, miss. l/n, what can i start you off with for tonight?” the waiter asked while looking between the two of you. handing you both the menus that were in his hand. 

joel didn’t even need to open it to know what he wanted to drink, “a bottle of your finest champagne please. you can just charge it to my tab.” with that the waiter nodded his head before walking off towards what you assumed was the kitchen. joel’s eyes looking back over to yours, “don’t worry princess, the champagne isn’t for celebrating a marriage proposal. seeing as you don’t want to marry me.” 

you glared over at the brunette, “that is not what i said!” joel let out a hum as you tried hiding behind the menu to look over your options. “baby you know that’s not what i said because of course i want to marry you,” you whispered while meeting his eyes from above the menu. 

“i know you do love, i’m just giving you a hard time,” he answered, smiling over at you as he did so. “now, do you know what you want to get princess? you know the rule.” your eyes rolled at the stupid rule, saying that nothing was too expensive to get. that since they had the money they could spend the money, and most importantly joel wanted to make sure you were treated like the princess you were. 

“anything on the menu is up for grabs,” you confirmed, “yes j, i know.” he nodded his head over at you before looking down into his own menu as you did the same. skimming over all of the options. finally deciding on the steak and lobster option, with who knows what as a side. when the waiter came back with the champagne, the both of you gave him your orders, joel just getting some steak that you couldn’t even pronounce. “so i have a question.” 

joel hummed before looking up from his phone, reading over some of the texts from the men back at the house. “what’s up princess?” 

biting your lip you rested your elbows on the table, even though you were told it was wrong as a child you still did it. “since you’re getting the mob, and everything handed down to you that means the house too,” you started, joel nodding along with you. “does that mean our parents are actually moving away from us?” 

“they are,” he answered while reaching over to pop the champagne bottle, and pour it into your glasses. “all that i know is that they’re still living together, just in separate wings of the house. our dad’s have had it picked out, and hidden from everyone else since i was born. that and they’re planning to take some of the men with them when and where they go.” 

you nodded your head trying to wrap it around everything. licking your lips you asked, “is it in cicero?” joel’s mouth dropped open, small puffs of air coming out before he closed it again. “that’s where they sent you to for those three years, isn’t it baby?” 

a small play on his lips while he reached over and grabbed your hand, “you’re too smart for you own good, you know that y/n/n?”

“i’m well aware j,” you replied with a smile of your own. rubbing your thumbs over his fingers. “but that’s why you love me, right?” 

“one of the many reasons, yes y/n/n,” he responded, eyes looking down to his hands. the smile on his face growing as he started down at speaking in his lap. “speaking of the reasons why i love you, there’s something i need to tell you, well ask you,” you tried pulling your hand away from his, but he beat you to it and kept it in its place. “and no. before you freak out, this isn't a proposal, it’s a promise.” your mouth opened and you could feel the tears form at your water line. 

before he said anything else he was reaching into the front pocket of his dress pants to pull out the black pandora box. “it’s never been a hidden thing that once i got everything handed down to me i’d need a wife,” joel started to speak. “whether that meant i was engaged, married, or promised to someone, i just needed another person because of the rules. and well i guess i’m just so incredibly lucky to have found you at the ripe age of three months old. lucky enough to have fallen in love with my best friend, and have you so understanding with everything that i have done, and will have to do. i love that you’re too smart for you own good, that you can hand everyone their ass except for me. that you’re as confident as you are, how well you carry yourself around me and around everything we live in. i just love every single thing about you y/n m/n l/n. you’re my one true weakness, and if i ever lost you - god, i don’t even know what i’d do. so with this ring i promise myself to you, forever and always my love. i promise you that with in the next year i’m turning this ring into an engagement ring, and most of all i promise you that i’ll always come home to you. all you have to do is accept my promise.” 

reaching up you brushed the tears away from your eyes, trying to get them to stop falling down your cheeks. and you were silently thanking god you bought waterproof mascara. “yes, god yes joel,” you cried, your e/c eyes locking with his brown ones. “i love you so much joel farabee, you know that right?” 

“of course i do y/n/n,” he answered as he popped open the black velvet box. “i hope you like it,” he then said, referring to the rose gold diamond ring on display. the second you saw it you tears were reforming in your eyes. “mind if i put this on you?” joel then asked, and as soon as you shook your head he was standing from the table. walking around the side to his right to grab your hand. he pulled your hand up to face, pressing a light kiss against the black ink of the words ‘be good’ you had marked on the inside of your middle finger. before he slipped the ringer around your finger. “look at that, a perfect fit,” joel then smirked, right before he pressed against your forehead. 

you hummed in content, feeling yourself melt into a puddle because of joel farabee. and you wouldn’t have it any other way. “thank you for tonight, it’s perfect,” you gushed while looking up at him, before he smiled and walked back over to his seat. “or maybe it wasn’t perfect since i’m not getting a response from you.” 

joel started smirking as he leaned back in the chair, “well it would’ve been perfect if i got to tell you about my dad finally handing everything down to me, but i have jackson to thank for that.” your mouth fell open as you started over at him, pointing your finger, “yeah i know it was him, i have eyes everywhere in my house love, there’s no hiding anything from me.” 

“oh i’m well aware,” you answered with a less than pleased look on your face. “i wanted to get you that one lingrie set for your birthday this year, and within two minutes of me telling delilah you came running up to me asking me if it was red or black.” joel smirked at the memory, “so yes j, i’m aware i can’t keep anything from you. you know i’m on my period before i do.” 

all he could do was shrug his shoulders, and before you could add anything to it the food was being set in front of you. it felt like time seemed to speed up as the two of you after your meals, small talk being thrown in every once and awhile. “okay i have another question,” you stated while looking up from your plate that was now half empty. “what happens next? like once you get everything handed over to you, what happens? i mean i know what happens with us, at some point we get married, but what about everything else?” 

the twenty year old across from you nodded his head before swallowing and putting his silverware down. “well our parents move out,” he started to explain. “then i guess i don’t really know what happens. business happens as usual i guess. but i’m not one hunderd percent love, as far as i know nothing else changes,” joel finished before taking a drink of his champagne. 

“you mean other than the fact that you’re actually going to be away more often since you have to go on all of the deals now?” you questioned, eyes saddening as you looked up at him. “but don’t worry i know you have to j, it’s just. you’re gonna be gone all the time now, and you won’t let me come with you.”

his free hand grabbed yours seeing as he was finally finished with his meal, “princess you know i’d want you to come with me, and we both know you could come with and be a huge asset to us.” he squeezed your hand causing you to look at him fully, “but you know how easily things could go wrong. how one second someone’s there, and the next they’re not. plus sweetheart you haven’t killed anyone yet, and i’m not about to just throw you into that. you can help me by staying here, in the office and working on deals for me.” your mouth opened to disagree with him, only he stood up from his chair and walked over to you. “we’ll talk about this more later love, but right now i’ve had my dinner and i want to get to the desert.” 

grabbing his hand you felt your legs shake while you started to stand, making sure to slip his jacket back on over your frame so you didn’t forget it. after joel dropped a roll of cash on to the table his hand was on the small of your back leading you towards the entrance. “you can’t wait any longer can you baby?” you asked with a teased tone. trying to sway your hips back against him to see just how bad he was struggling. 

only joel caught on to what you were doing and wrapped his arms around your waist, pressing his hard on right into the skin of your ass. “i dunno love, you tell me?” he rasped into your ear, and just like that you could feel your slick pool into the thin fabric of your panties. and if joel really wanted to know if you were turned on all he had to do was move a certain and he could feel it. feeling his teeth graze against your ear lobe had you realize he definitely already knew how turned on you were. “and i take it you can’t wait any longer either princess, so chop chop. we have places to be.” 

with that you felt as his right hand wrapped closer around your waist, hand sliding underneath the fabric of your dress. grabbing your ass once more, and you couldn’t help the gasp that fell past your lips. not accepting that at all. you heard him hum in your ear, enjoying the feeling of the thin see through fabric covering over your ass. “joel, don’t even,” you muttered, hands shooting down to grab both of his forearms in order to stay up. “don’t start something you can’t finish right now,” you breathed, trying to keep your eyes open as his hand slowly slid forward. 

“who says i can’t finish it right now sweetheart?” he taunted. “there’s a divider in the suv for a reason, i could finger you right then and there so i only have to make you cum twice when we get back, and not three times.” 

“like i wouldn’t cum three times anyways joel,” you scoff once you’re finally at the door to walk outside. “it’s you, and you and i both know it would be a lot more than three times.” he stayed quiet while leading you into the back of the black suv. your eyes looked forward to see anderson already sitting in the driver’s seat ready to leave as soon as joel pulled the door closed behind him.  

as soon as he was sitting down next to you, his lips were pressed against your ear, “just say the word and i’ll have him put the divider up love. and maybe if you’re lucky i’ll even go easy on you sweetheart.” 

your mouth opened to speak, only it slammed shut once you felt joel’s right hand inch up the inside of your thigh. pushing your panties to the side and just barely teasing your hole. “how was dinner?” anderson’s voice had your eyes snapping open to look up at him through the mirror. 

“it was great as always,” joel responded, and as he did so he pushed his pointer finger all the way in. sucking your bottom lip in between your teeth you couldn’t help as your walls clenched around him already. he knew what it did to you when he wore the all black suit, and that was his plan along. “i hope you and the guys got some food, seeing as i paid for all of you too.” anderson nodded his head, “good, good. anything cause any trouble?” 

their conversation was drowned out in your ears as all you could focus on was the way joel was circling his finger around inside of you, and you thought it was a miracle that you hadn’t called out his name yet. as soon as you felt him add another finger you were gasping for air, causing your eyes to lock with anderson’s as he looked back at you in the mirror to make sure you were okay. “everything okay y/n?” 

“yeah princess, are you okay?” joel asked, with a shit eating grin as you turned your head to look over at him. glaring as him as you did so. 

“i-i’m okay,” you answered through gritted teeth. amazed that your words didn’t fall out in a moan seeing as joel was scissoring his two fingers inside of you. making sure to curl them every once in a while to hit your g-stop straight on. “i just thought i forgot my phone and - and realized i put it in your jacket pocket j,” you then lied, right hand shooting down to grip on to his wrist. fingernails digging into the fabric of his black shirt. when you thought his would help stop his actions it only caused him to go faster, and you had no idea how anderson didn’t hear the sounds of his fingers sliding in and out of your slick folds. but you were thankful that he didn’t. 

your eyes looked back up to anderson’s in the mirror and he nodded before focusing back on to the road. joel’s head leaned back over to yours, “whenever you’re ready to cum, go right ahead, sweetheart. just don’t make a sound.” as your eyes fluttered shut you could just picture the cocky smile joel was wearing, especially since he had you clenching around nothing for the time being. but as soon as he thrust three fingers in your head was tilting back, your bottom lip stuck between your teeth so you didn’t get caught. “just let go princess, it’s okay. i’ll clean up the mess when i get you up to our room,” he whispered into your ear. 

“i thought you just did the dirty work,” you mumbled, your tone quiet as you chased your high. another gasp past your lips as you felt his thumb circle around your clit, “that everyone else just cleaned up after you?” your smartass comment was followed by the feeling of joel pressing down on your clit, and instantly you were turning your head into the side of his neck. sucking down on his skin to suppress your moans that were now following past your lips. 

as soon as his three fingers curled for a final time you felt as you reached your high, your teeth scraping against the side of his neck in order to stop your moans. “shh, princess you can’t be any louder. only a couple more seconds,” he cooed into your ear, making sure to ride you down from your high before pulling his fingers away. as soon as he did you couldn’t help the way you let out a soft whimper right into his ear. 

looking right at you with his lust blown brown eyes he popped his three fingers into his mouth, humming around them as he cleaned them of your cum. “can this car go any faster? i need you joel,” you whimpered leaning right into his side. 

“don’t worry love we’re almost back, and i’ll make sure to clean this up since you’re the only mess that i like to handle,” he grinned before slipping his fingers out of his mouth. “just because you taste so good sweetheart.” and just like that the car was coming to a stop in the driveway. “thank you anderson, feel free to take the next couple hours off,” joel instructed before opening the door and getting out, you following out behind him. as soon as he saw you were standing on shaky legs you were thrown over his shoulder. 

“joel put me down!” you squealed, hands hitting hard against his toned back. “this isn’t funny, and i’m scared you’re going to drop me on the stairs,” you sighed as he started up the stairs, and just to spite you two at a time. you could hear him chuckle while walking all the way up to the front door, and inside. 

as soon as the door shut all eyes from the living room were on the two of you. “well it looks like you kids had a good time at dinner,” pam smiled, lifting your head to try and look over at them. once you you figured out how to just lean over more you could see both your moms sitting there with a glass of wine. 

“dinner was great,” joel answered with a smile, his eyes then looking over his shoulder and down at you. “what did you think my love?” 

“can’t complain about anything,” you answered with a sweet smile, trying your hardest to be noticeable as you squeezed your thighs together for some sort of relief. “i mean i got a ring out of it, so how could i complain?” both your mothers laughed already knowing that joel had planned on giving you the promise ring while telling you about getting everything passed down. 

you watched as both your mothers were ready to ask to see the ring, only joel beat them to it. “no you can’t see the ring right now, wait until breakfast tomorrow morning. we still have plans,” he called while starting to walk up the stairs. your eyes rolled before you glanced over at both yours mothers to see them with amused looks on their faces. 

“don’t drop y/n on the stairs joel,” pam chastised. 

you could hear a scoff past his lips as you reached your hand down, “like i would ever drop - hey! what the hell was that for?” you couldn’t help but giggle as you retracted your hand from his butt, both your mothers laughing at the pair of you. happy that you could bring some sort of goodness into the life and world you both lived in. 

“it was tempting,” you replied while turning your head to smile up at him, “so can you really blame me?” joel shot you a look as his feet reached the landing of your floor. 

“i’d say you’re lucky you’re cute, but i’m going to have you moaning my name within the next five minutes,” he smirked, and this time you were sure he noticed the way your thighs squeezed together to help relieve the pressure. “maybe even scream it,” he prodded, causing your mouth to drop open at the thought of it, because if joel said it he wanted it, and if he wanted it he got it. the two of you were quiet as joel carried you the short distance to your shared bedroom, and once inside the safety of the two french doors he made sure to lock them. 

he set you back down on the ground, before walking over to the foot of your bed. “j what are you doing?” you asked not sure what was supposed to be going on. something about this seemed wrong to you. “shouldn’t you be trying to take my clothes off right now?” 

licking his lips he shook his head, his hands working on loosening the tie around his neck. “that’s up for you to do tonight princess. don’t be shy either, i wanna see this lingerie set you have,” he smirked over at you while he threw his tie to do the ground. hand now working on the cuff links. with your eyes looking down to the ground you shrugged his jacket off your shoulders, not caring about the fact your phone was still in the pocket. 

when you looked back up at him the grin he had plastered on his face was growing. “you’re not even going to help me unzip my dress baby? that’s your favorite part,” you teased, hands wrapping around your back already pulling down the zipper. 

“i’d rather watch tonight,” he answered, not even looking down as he started to undo the buttons on his shirt. “so put on a show babygirl.” biting your lip you let the skin tight dress fall down your body, joel’s gaze pulling away from yours to run up and down your body. you watched as he groaned before standing up from the bed, pulling on his dress pants as he did so. “you are drop dead gorgeous baby,” he complimented while pulling his gucci belt out of the belt loops. “absolutely stunning my love.” 

you could feel your cheeks flush as you stepped out of the dress that was pooled at your ankles. kicking yours heels off once joel had walked over to you his hands gripping your hips. thumbs running over the thin string of your red bottoms his brown eyes glued to the snake tattoo you had on your rib cage on the right side of your body. the same thing that was the symbol of the empire joel’s family had started decades ago. his left hand ran up your body so his fingers could trace the outline of the black snake, “are you just gonna sit here and stare or are you going to clean up your mess?” 

biting his lip joel brought his other hand up to brush under the elastic of your see through bra. “i may not be a patient man, but when it comes to you love i could stand here and admire you and your body all day.” your cheeks flushed even more as you looked down at your now bare feet, “but i take it you want me to speed this process up, huh? been waiting too long?” you hum while taking your lip between your teeth, “don’t worry babygirl you’ll be screaming my name shortly.” 

just like that you fell into his arms, leaning into him fully arms wrapping aroud his neck to keep you up right. “please joel, please,” you whispered into his ear. “please baby i need you so bad,” you begged. fingers working to push his shirt off of his shoulders, before reaching down to undo the button and zipper of his pants. “joel i’m dripping again, i need you to do something please. i’m begging you.” your hands were running up and down his chest and torso. your right hand stopping to trace the raised skin that was scared on the inner part of his right peck. 

leaning down you started to press kisses against the skin since he wasn’t doing anything other than staring up and down your body. “you want me to do something princess?” he taunted, hands popping open the front clasp of your bra. his hands then going down to your hips to pull your bottoms off, leaving you completely vulnerable to him. with his hands back firmly on your waist he turned to walk you over to the foot pushing you down. “well tell me y/n, do you want me to do something?” 

“yes joel, please,” you breathed as you felt his lips press against the inside of your thighs. slowly inching up while he locked eyes with you. “j, please.” you could feel as his tongue flattened out against the inside of your thighs and he moaned. 

his head popped back up as he smirked over at you, “sorry baby i gotta clean up my first mess before i make another one.” with that he licked up both your thighs and that alone had you moaning and running your fingers through his brown locks. you were about to open your mouth and complain about how long it was taking him, but that was before his lips wrapped around your clit. 

“joel.” his name fell past your lips like a whispered prayer, you body arching off the bed and into him right away. they were placed back on the bed while he threw his right arm across your waist as his mouth made a path down your folds to lap up all the slick you had already given off even though he had made you cum not even ten minutes ago. “joel please!” you whimpered, as his tongue teased the entrance of your hole. he licked up once more causing a sinful moan to fall past your lips as his lips then wrapped around your clit once more. 

joel pressed his left middle finger into you while he ran circles around your clit with his tongue. his eyes never pulling away from yours as he went to town. as your brain started to turn to mush from the feeling of him nipping and sucking at your clit mixed with him circling his finger around in you it was hard to focus on anything other than the immense pleasure he was bringing you towards. well at least that’s what you thought until you felt him starting to trace letters over your clit. the first letter was easy to figure out, a ‘j’ plan as day and you couldn't help but moan it out. “j, please,” you then whined, right as you felt trace an ‘o’. as soon as he started tracing out the ‘e’ you couldn’t help the way your hips were starting to roll up into joel’s face. he pulled his face away from where you needed him the most with a glare. “hips down princess, you should have a little self control.” 

the comment had you groaning and your hips falling flat back on to the bed. “joel hurry it up, please i need you inside of me. i need you to fuck me,” you pleaded, right before his curlled up to press agaisnt your g-stop. “joel,” you cried tugging on his hair to pull him back to where you need him. his tongue getting right to work and finishing what he started with the letter ‘l’. 

“cum for me sweetheart,” he purred before turning his head to nip at your thigh once more. “only need one more after this, think you can give it to me?” he quipped before pulling his finger away and replacing it with your tongue. as soon as he did you let a final cry of his name before you came on done on his tongue. before joel lapped it all up he swiped his middle finger back up through your folds, then made sure to lap up all of your cum. humming in content after he made sure you were cleaned up. “you taste better every time i get to have a taste, you know that love?” 

with a heaving chest you looked down to your boyfriend, watching as he started to crawl up your body. leaving kisses as he did so. stopping at your lower stomach to suck hickies into before crawling back up to press a heated kiss against your lips. moaning into the kiss you wrapped your arms around his neck to pull joel down closer to you, only he pulled away from you before anything else could happen. “here you go princess, a reward before i make you go again,” he teased, offering his hand over to you. 

grabbing his wrist with your hand you brought his hand level with you mouth, focusing your e/c on the black crown tattoo on the inside of his middle finger. smirking your eyes went back to lock with joel’s as you flattened your tongue against the tattoo before licking all of your cum off his finger, making sure to hold eye contact as you sucked on his finger. tasting yourself as you cleaned it off, causing joel’s mouth to drop open. you popped his finger out of your mouth with a smirk, “what j, cat got your tongue?” your eyes then went down and watched as he pulled on his boxers to see that they were too tight against his growing tent. 

“no, but it’ll have yours shortly babygirl, that i promise you,” he grinned, and before you got a say he was pulling off his boxers and giving you the look. the one that was asking if you were sure and ready for him to push. the same look you’ve been getting since you were eighteen and had sex for the first time with joel. nodding your head you gave joel a soft smile, one that wouldn’t be there in a couple of seconds after. and just like that you could feel joel rubbing his head at your entrance. 

as soon as he pushed in he bottomed out, and a string of curses fell past his lips. “joel move, please,” you whined, legs wrapping around his waist in an effort to get him to move, to do anything. he smirked down at you as he rested up on his elbows, head leaning down to start kissing up your neck as he pulled out only to slam his hips back into yours. and just like that you were screaming his name, “joel!” your nails racking down his shoulders and his back. 

the pace joel had started was a brutal one at that, and you could feel your orgasm building back up in your stomach as his hips snapped into yours. his lips making quick work of your neck which you were sure you’d have a hard time covering them up in the morning. “j-joel please,” you whimpered back arching into him. your chest flush against his and you could feel the way his lips pulled up into a smirk against your neck. making sure to suck hickies against your necklace chain. 

“you close baby?” he panted into your ear, his lips falling to the place right behind your ear placing a small hickey there. “because i know if you keep clenching around me the way you are, i’m cumming,” he explained. 

you tried opening your mouth to speak, but all you could do was dig your fingernails into his shoulder blades as he started to hit your g-stop straight on. “j, j, j, j, j,” the nicknamed was rushed out of your lips as you felt his left hand reach down and start to rub circles around your clit, his right going underneath your back to hold you up against his chest since you were still arched up into him. “baby i’m gonna cum, please,” you moaned, your head falling to the side as you felt your legs start to shake in pleasure as the wave was ready to crash on you. 

“you can cum my love, cum for me. all over my cock, the last time tonight i promise princess,” he cooed into the shell of your ear, his head then dropping down into your neck. groaning once he felt your walls clench around him one final time before you reached your third high of the night. his deep and quick thrusts rode you down from your high, becoming slow and sloppy as he neared his high. 

you ran your right hand up joel’s neck and into the hair at the nape of his neck before leaning up to whisper in his ear, “cum for me joel, cum inside of me daddy.” you smirked to yourself as you felt him give one final snap of his hips before you could feel him twitch inside of your and spill into you. 

joel’s head pulled up from the crook of your neck with a cocky smirk on his face, “did jackson ever make you scream his name like that?” your mouth dropped open in shock as you stared up at him, smacking his shoulder as you unwrapped your legs from his waist. “what was that for?” he huffed with a shocked look of his own. 

“what was that for?” you mock with a sassy smile and smile. “joel, babe, you and i both know that nobody has ever made me feel like that, or scream their name like you do,” you confessed with blushing cheeks. a satisfied smile covered his face before he slowly pulled out of you, causing a dissatisfied moan to fall past your lips. your eyes then went wide as you watched him work his way back down his body, stopping at your lower stomach. “joel, what are you doing?” 

“you’ll see princess, don’t you worry,” he smirked, before leaning over his lips meeting the skin of your abdomen. when he started sucking you thought maybe you had an idea on what he was doing, but once you realised he wasn’t stopping after a couple hickies you were completely lost on what he was doing. after what seemed like hours, but was really five minutes, he was pulling away and smirking at his finished product. “hand me my phone princess.” 

without questioning it you handed the newest iphone over to him, watching as he snapped a picture of his masterpiece before looking up to you. “what does it say baby?” you asked while propping yourself up on your elbows. looking down you rolled your eyes once you saw ‘mine’ spelled out in dark hickies. “really j?” you asked while glancing back up to him. 

joel’s shoulders shrugged before he climbed back over to you, slipping under the silk sheets and comforter with you. he grabbed your left hand, bringing it up to press a loving kiss against you knuckles, and finally against the promise ring. “i love you y/n l/n, and i have one more thing to promise you.” 

“i love you too j, but what else could you possibly promise me?” you asked with a sceptical look before you rested your head against his chest. “you’ve already promised me so much.” 

“i promise you, that no matter what anyone says, you’re not a distraction.”

[gotmeringinghellsbells]

Play Your Role

Fandom: Promare

Characters: Galo Thymos, Lio Fotia

A/N: So.... I’ve never seen Promare but  IDESPERATLEY WANT TO! So this is kind of based off of clips I could find, the trailers, and ToxicCure’s animation on the film. I don’t think there are any real spoilers here but I most likely got their personalities a bit off. Also, I still have prompts, I haven’t forgotten about them. This idea has just been screaming at me for the last few days. 

Also why is there (this being the third) like three tickle related things for Promare? One I found on twitter, by @ Stardips (Star Cubes); and the other on here by the lovely @ticklishfanart. 

Description: It’s something he’s embarrassed of, but I t’s something harmless that makes him happy. When playing a game of “cops and robbers”, Lio quickly becomes embarrassed of his idea and tries to dismiss it. However, his boyfriend isn’t about to let him pout or feel ashamed for something that brings him small, innocent amounts of joy. 

_

It was quiet other than the sound of heeled shoes clicking on the metal floor beneath them. The leader of the Mad Burnish said nothing as strong hands held his wrists behind his back. No handcuffs or any other restraints apart from gloves to keep him from burning his captors. “Nothing to say?” Of course, the bimbo had to open his mouth. “I don’t exchange small talk with my captors, Burning Idiot.” Galo huffed a bit at the name. “Rescue. Burning Rescue,” he corrected. Lio rolled his eyes. 

A small sound escaped his mouth as Galo jolted him to the side and stopped him before leaning over to press a button, opening a small metal door. “Tis way,” he said softly as he guided the other in. Lio felt a small pinch of fear come over him, but quickly swallowed it back down. Looking around, all he could see was darkness. Anxiousness was rising as his fate wasn’t being spelled out to him. Distracted by his worry and attempt to mask it, he neglected to notice the newest recruit to the Burning Rescue had released his arms. 

His attention snapped to the fact as suddenly the other was fighting him to remove his jacket. Lio blushed as he quickly turned into defense mode; only to be turned around as the black leather went flying into the air. “Wouldn’t want you to over heat,” Galo said a a little too happily. “Over heat? Really?” Lio shuddered, eyes widening as his blonde locks were lifted from his shoulders and tied above his head and what he didn’t know was a messy bun. “It’s a precaution.” 

“Precaution for what,” the shorter asked as suddenly he felt something plush come up from behind him. Galo walked away, trusting the other to remain seated as he turned on the lights. A bedroom came to life, Lio sitting on the small, soft bed. “Well leader of the Mad Burnish, funny you should ask.” Galo smirked as he tried to sound tough. It flattered though as a blush started to spread across Lio’s face; his eyes quickly looking away. 

Galo shook his head as his own blush started to form on his face. “Just get this over with dumb ass.” Galo huffed, finding it easier to slip back into the facade he was trying to present. “Whatever you say your highness.” Galo walked over towards his captive with a smirk plastered on his face. 

Lio still refused to look at him until their legs touched. He looked up slowly before just staring at the other. Galo was still smirking before bending down. He wiggled his hands under the other’s thighs, earning an odd noise. Two legs came up to buck him as hands grabbed onto his rounded shoulders. 

“Y-You…. What are you doing,” Lio hissed. Oh this was too good. “Well I was trying to move you, but it seems that’s not going to happen without a fight.” Lio growled before pounding his fist on to the other’s head. Galo winced before sitting up with a huff. “Ow!” The smaller let out a ‘tsk’ before crossing his arms. “That’s it. I’m gonna whip that smug face right off your royal face!” What? Smug face off his…. face? 

Lio didn’t have much time to mess with the other before his hands were suddenly scrambling out of reflex to grab the other’s bare back as he was airborne. Landing with a soft thud, Lio had little time to gather his composure as the taller male straddled his waist. His hands were aligned with his head as the taler fully pinned him down. 

“P-Pervert,” was all Lio could think to say. His eyes grew cold as they narrowed; daggers piercing Galo’s mischievous filled eyes. “Am I? Sorry, your nice to look at and all but I’m looking for information, nt a date,” the blue haired male teased. It didn’t make much sense to Lio, but it didn’t need to as fingers quickly earned a squeal from the male. Fingers dug under his arms before purple eyes widened. As they crinkled shut, Lio turned his head into his arms before giggling hysterically. “Whahahat ahahahre yhahaou doing? Sthahahaop!” The laughter merley fueled the other to keep going. 

Galo wanted more laughter from the smaller, to see him smile; or show any emotion really. Happiness was a nice emotion to see though so he’d rather see that than the normal stone faced expression. “Whahaht, whahahit! Gheheht off mhehehe!” 

Arms struggled to stay overhead as Lio crumbled and succumbed to his nerve’s wishes. “Hehehahahahaha! Whahahahat thehehehe heheheell dhahahao yh-haou want?” “For you to stop starting fires!” Galo let up as to not leave his captive too short of breath too quickly. The blonde greedily sucked down oxygen before slowly opening his eyes to look at the other.

 He couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. It was kind of embarrassing, but he couldn’t hide the blush growing on his face. “Hey, if…. if it’s too much I can stop.” Lio hummed as he looked away. He brought his arms over his chest as he tried to curl up some under the taller. 

“Hey, I’m serious Lio. Am I being too evil? Should I let you breathe more? Are you hot? I have tank tops if you don’t want to be shirtless and shorts.” He gently rubbed the soft, rounded cheek of the blonde. “No, no. Your fine, this is just…. embarrassing.” Oh. The blue haired male frowned before moving in more to kiss the cheek he was just rubbing. “Was it my performance? I’m so sorry. I know you like this stu,” he was cut off. 

“Shhh….. just….. don’t say it.” Galo frowned more before gently moving himself to meet his boyfriend’s eye. “Alright, I won’t say it. But…. if it makes you happy, why are you so embarrassed? 

It’s innocent and not hurting anyone Lio.” Lio refused to meet his gaze, closing his eyes as the taller started to place soft, gentle kisses over his face. “I can tickle you if you want.” Lio growled before shoving his boyfriend away, hiding his face more. “Galo!” 

The taller got off him, hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright. Easy there Lio.” But the separation made the other look  so…. hurt. Lio said nothing as he looked away again and curled up in the bed more to hide his unknown emotions. The fire fighter got up before walking to the foot of the bed. “Well, let me at least make you more comfortable Mr. Poutypuss.” 

The pyro based male said nothing as his boyfriend removed his heeled boots, only answering when asked if the socks were going to stay on or not. Galo pulled them off before gently running his hand up the other as he offered his services for the rest of the body.

“I’m fine Galo.” Of course he was. Galo said nothing of his sarcastic thoughts as he moved away from the other. He sighed as he looked around, not sure what exactly to do. The only time he really heard the other laugh was practically never. When he did something outrageously goofy, he may get a small giggle and a smile; but other than that, Lio was so dense and serious. What to do, what to do.

That’s it. He noticed the weird plant toy thing he’d found before smirking. He was planning on using it for their small role play but considering that was ruined, why not use it now? He gently grasped it before walking back from the dresser and sitting at the foot of the bed. “You want a throw blanket or anything?” Lio hummed before sighing. “The…. the soft one,” he asked almost shyly of the request. Gio nodded before placing the toy down and getting up to grab the plush throw. 

He gently threw the blanket over him, waiting to watch Lio start to undress underneath to feel teh soft fabric against his skin. Walking over, he gently started to help him with his shirt before taking the discarded pants and shirt and hanging them over his bed frame. “Thanks,” the blonde said lowly. “Mmhmm. I mean, as a Burning Rescue member, it’s my duty to help people.” Galo hopped onto the bed before leaning over the other from behind. 

“Oh? I thought it was to be a loud mouthed, arrogant, cocky,” he was cut off by a small kiss on the lips. “Okay, rude.” The small smile he received, the small snort. He brought a true smile to Galo’s face as his blue eyes softened. “Your beautiful,” he stated breathlessly. Lio blushed more before turning away from him and curling up more under the covers. “Shut up.” “Aw sorry your highness, here I’ll make it up to you.” Oh?

Lio waited, but the expected kisses never came. What did Galo have in mind? Slowly, he peeked up from the covers. The blue spikes were bobbing from the end of the bed. What was he- wait. Galo gently grasped a slender, pale ankle before pulling it out from the soft cover to see the false lighting of the room. “What are you doing,” Lio asked as he propped himself up more on an elbow. There was a pause in response, it worried the Mad Burnish former leader. 

The soft cattail plant inspired toy gently stroked up his sole, earning a squeal. Galo turned with a cocky smile to finally answer the question. “Making up for what I ruined. Now laugh sweetheart, I wanna hear that sweet, sweet music.” Lio twisted around to reach for the other, but it did him little as the new weapon proved it’s worth. “Ghahahahalo! Sthahahaop! T-Thahahat’s,” he could hardly speak. It was so soft and his giggles were so light and airy. 

His stomach filled with butterflies as he became more and more flustered. He wiggled his feet around when his boyfriend grabbed both of them. Attempting to lay on his hands so he wouldn’t stop the sensation, he felt rather idiotic for floudering around like a fish out fo water. The blanket was falling from him slowly and he squirmed around, really starting to laugh and shake when the toy found his toes.

 “G-Ghahahahalo!” There was a soft wheeze after the name escaped soft lips; causing the other to quickly stop. “You okay?” The toy was quickly discarded as hands started to rub the assaulted areas to sooth the feeling. 

“Was that too much? You alright? Do you need anything? Water? Air?” He sounded so panicked. Lio blushed before shyly smiling. He…. he really was one of the good guys, huh? “I’m alright. I can get my own water.” He gently took his feet back before pulling the blanket back up to cover him again. “You…. you could come up here though. If you want.” Galo smiled before getting up before crawling up quickly before grabbing hold of his boyfriend. 

His hands started squeezing at Lio’s legs as he pulled the other on top of him, earning a few kicks and gentle giggles. Galo reached for a normal blanket on his bed to throw over them as Lio’s was now between them. He finished his work with looking at the other with a bright smile. Lio couldn’t hold teh expressionless facade when it came to this dork, not after what they’d been through. “C’mere hero.” He gently pressed their lips before sighing. “Wait, did you just call me a hero?” 

Lio sighed before moving up from the other’s body. “Don’t ruin this Thymos.”

[dbhtychou]

Soaked

So the Gavin/RK900 dynamic that (as far as I’m aware) doesn’t even exist in the game, is like my favorite thing ever. They are quickly becoming my brotp. And I really wanted to see an OC or reader insert in the middle of that dynamic. But I couldn’t find anything. So I wrote this drabble. It’s meant to be like a reader insert but I don’t like it when stories address me as “you” and the (Y/N) kind of interrupts the flow. So I just didn’t give the person in this story a name. Insert yourself in there.

Also, if anyone knows of any Gavin x reader/OC x RK900 stuff, send it my way.

****************************

“Oh my god! What happened?”

Gavin winced a little at his girlfriend's reaction to him and his partner showing up on her doorstep. The RK900 model was pretty much the only thing keeping his shaking legs from collapsing under him.

“B-babe, it's fine. D-don't worry.” Gavin couldn't stop his teeth from chattering.

“He fell in the river chasing a perpetrator,” RK900 said levelly.  “May we come in?”

She stepped aside to allow the two into the house. Gavin was shivering uncontrollably, frost in his eyebrows and hair.

“The river just out there?” she asked, motioning toward the back of her apartment complex.

“Yeah,” Gavin confirmed. “Figured we'd just come over here to get warmed up instead of driving back to the precinct.”

“Or a hospital,” his girlfriend said with a frown. “It's the middle of winter! That river is dangerous! You could have died out there!”

“N-no choice. Had to catch him. Couldn't let him run loose in your neighborhood.”

She softened at that. “Aw, such a big hero you are.” She immediately went for his clothes, tugging down the zipper of his jacket. She always got after him for never taking a heavy coat this time of year, but maybe not being weighed down by a coat had saved his life. “Come on, let's get you out of these wet clothes and into the shower.”

Gavin was soaked all the way through. Removing the jacket from his body was quite a task while he clumsily tried to kick off his shoes. More than once the RK900 had to catch him before he tipped over. The shirt came off next and Gavin was content to merely hold up his arms as best he could and shiver while she peeled it off him. Inch by inch a lean, muscled physique was exposed, peppered with scars and goosebumps.

“You should shower with me, babe,” he suggested with a grin.

She scrunched her nose cutely at him, a face that Gavin always loved. “So very tempting, Gav, but I'm going to pass so I can dry your clothes and make you a hot meal.”

“Raincheck, then.”

“Definitely a raincheck,” she agreed, smiling back.

Now shirtless, Gavin suddenly grabbed his girlfriend, shoving his face into her neck with a noisy kiss. She immediately squealed at the contact.

“Oh my god! Gavin Reed, you are frozen to the bone! Get your ass in the shower!” She practically chased him down the hall and into the bathroom. There were a few more squeals and deep, male rumbles coming from that part of the apartment before the shower began running and the resident of the apartment returned the main room.

She paused when she saw the RK900 model still standing by the doorway where the humans had left him. Gavin's android partner had always been like that; stalk still and silent. It was easy to forget he was there sometimes. Even if he was dripping heavily on her floor.

“Are you soaked, too?”

“Someone had to pull Detective Reed out of the river,” the android responded pragmatically.

She gave him a soft smile. “You poor thing. Keeping him alive is probably a full-time job.”

“Yes.”

The android said it so solemnly that she couldn't help but laugh a little. “Come on, I'll take care of your wet clothes, too.” She walked around him and helped him shrug of the stark black and white jacket he always wore that identified him as non-human to the public. She next squeezed the hem of the tight sweater he wore underneath and more river water dripped out. “Looks like shirt and socks as well.”

The RK900 toed off his shoes as he peeled off the skin-tight sweater, revealing a sculpted, lean torso underneath. She noticed with curiosity the random dots of freckles on his synthetic skin that matched the ones on his face. Cute. The sweater made a soggy sound as he dropped it into her arms.

As one, both of them then glanced down to the belt buckle at the android's waist. The RK900 looked up at her curiously.

“Pants on or off is up to you,” she said casually. The off-key bellowing of Gavin's shower singing drifted in. She gave a good-natured glance toward the bathroom. “It won't be the worst thing this apartment has seen.”

The android's mouth ticked up just a little, making her feel like she had won the lottery. The RK900 hardly ever smiled. There were so many 'deviant' androids out there these days, but this one... sometimes she couldn't tell if he could be classified as one of them or not. He seemed alive. He seemed intelligent, capable of feeling and making his own decisions, he just... didn't emote. And she wasn't sure if it was because he couldn't, or he just chose not to.

“I believe this is the polite amount of undress,” the android stated. “Any moreso and I feel I would be taking advantage of your hospitality.”

“Or, it could be a way of thanking me for my hospitality,” she said with a wink.

The RK900 raised a brow at her, the shadow of intrigue on his face. He understood that joke. Interesting.

“I'll be right back, don't move from that spot,” she then said as she scooted off with the wet clothes. A few moments later she came back with a couple of towels and set one on the couch. “There, now you may sit.”

The RK900 moved obediently and sat himself on the couch. Though he was surprised when the human woman placed herself next to him and began to towel him off. She started with a quick swipe over his shoulders and chest to gather any errant droplets and then moved to his neck and face.

The RK900 continued to sit in silence as he was attended to. Humans didn't touch him. No one touched him, aside from maybe a shoulder punch or two from his partner. And then, this one just sits next to him, touching more surface sensors at once than anyone ever had. And it was... nice.

“You've got mud on your face,” she said as she took a corner of the towel and gently wiped it away.

“Detective Reed likes to kick up a fuss,” the RK900 said mildly.

“That's my man; always a little feisty.”

“To say the least,” the RK900 huffed.

The human woman sat up on her knees and proceeded to thoroughly towel off his hair. His usually perfectly quaffed brown locks were left damp and disheveled, and she found it to be a very adorable look for him. She moved around to face him, draping the towel over his shoulders.

“Well, thank you for always bringing his dumb ass back to me.”

Without warning, she pulled him closer with the towel and kissed his surprised forehead. Her lips were soft, soft like her voice and the rest of her. The RK900 found himself closing his eyes and wishing it would last a little longer.

But as quick as it came, the soft touch was removed from him and the human moved away. She was gone by the time the RK900 opened his eyes.

“You're a good partner,” she called on her way to the kitchen.

Something inside the android hitched... skipped? He wasn't sure what it was. But as he glanced back, he wished it would happen again.

[writingwitchly]

Fate knows how to be cruel

JILY CHALLENGE | October 2018 | angst | @wizardingworldwaitforme vs. @lovesickjily​

@jilychallenge prompt: “I didn’t expect you to wait forever. I just hoped…” au where lily breaks up with james because he is being attacked for dating a muggleborn, they later meet at an order meeting during the war and he is engaged to someone else

Word count: 9.4k (yeah, i’m proud)

Warnings: A LOT OF SERIOUS SH*T, PLEASE BE READY. death, blood, angst, language, etc.

A/N: I. DON’T. KNOW. 

***

Her diminished pupils, flooded in the last half-hour, were now dryly scanning the broken reflection that defied her.

Her intense green eyes, usually praised as very attractive, had become two dark pits, surrounded by red, tense skin. From her mouth, reduced to a pale split line, the rests of her anguish were escaping under the form of convulsive sighing, of air that her lungs did not manage to catch. The red maine she had inherited from her mother was plastered on her wet forehead, rebelling itself on some places by sticking out in messy knots. Her grayish cheeks were the vision of sickness itself, a sickness that comes from deep down in the chest, that roots itself cruelly in the flesh of the heart.

The cracked mirror, result of a very violent waving of her wand, was hanging loosely on the wall, throwing disdainfully at her tired body this vision of herself she had never adopted before.

Some months ago, nobody would have believed it possible for one of Hogwarts’ most promising students, exemplar Gryffindor prefect and thrice alumnus of the year, to find herself in such a situation.

Still, there she was, choking on her pain, raging at herself and the world, back at her desk, and writing her name at the end of the letter. She was signing her death sentence with her favorite quill.

The paper was heavy in her hands. The inked words weighted like lead on her lungs. She whistled a faint sound, and felt the air moving in her back.

Sealing the envelope and tying it to the frail leg was too hard. She had to start over twice, and scratched her wrist in the process, opened a new wound on herself. One more she’d have to cure, but would have no force to.

Her walk to the window, with the owl perched on her shoulder, seemed longer than one’s walk through life. Her fingers mechanically thrust the window open, scaring the bird.

The world was cold, freezing. Her soul too.

The owl’s piercing look searched its owner’s, but she pointedly avoided it, gazing at the clouds. If she allowed herself a moment of doubt, she’d never do it. The burning flame of courage in her stomach was faltering every day more, since this bloody war had started.

Sometimes she wondered, how could she not, why she had been sorted in the house of the braves. She had nothing of a Gryffindor, after all. She was demonstrating to be a coward. She wasn’t even doing this in person.

The bird let out an irked hoot, and turned toward the outside. It waited a few more seconds, implying that this was the only moment for her to step back on her decision. She almost did.

When the pair of sandy wings became a barely visible point on the dark roof of the night, the moon alone heard the shattering of the girl’s soul, the signal that her pure existence, already filled with too many sharp despair, had been attacked one time too much.

As she felt that her life was over, as her knees buckled under the weight of her past and future, the wind and stars united to mourn her innocence, screaming her name

***

What a coward.

The headquarters were full.

There had been another Muggle attack recently.

The Order’s meeting were a drag. Most of all, if Slughorn had to add a motivational speech at the end. His voice, in the best of the cases, was a muffled buzz that invited to fall asleep on the spot. The rest of the times, it just made you want to drink death potion.

The dark corner at the far end of the room seemed to be a very good place for rummaging dusty thoughts from two years ago, oblivious of what happened in the world around.

Maybe this was where Mad Eye stored his negative energy, in case he ran out of it.

What a fucking coward.

But, to be honest, it was not the place’s fault if Lily was feeling downhearted. It had become a habit of hers, to constantly be in the doldrums. She had erased the words happy, fun, joy -- and any synonym -- from her daily life.

All that mattered was to fight.

Nothing else.

Still. What a coward had she been.

It had happened ages away, back when she still could manage to worry about what was going on in her chest, in that place that she could not bring herself to name now.

Not even the flickering light bulb on the decrepit roof distracted her from remembering everything clearly.

The facts, the tears, the pain.

The reason.

She felt the urge to fracture a couple of Death Eater’s bones, but all she could do was to keep ruminating.

After sending him the letter, she had tried to hate him. For who breaks up successfully with the person they love? This type of separation never lasts long, and she didn’t want that.

Fate is strong, but Lily’s character too.

She had slowly managed to erase him from her life, half by shutting herself to the world, half because of why she had shattered their link.

It had been the right decision to take. She needed protect their friends, their security, their future.

She’d thought that, yeah. That it was the best to do, for her and for

...him.

He crossed the entrance with that characteristic nonchalance of his, talking loudly, not giving a blatant damn that Slughorn was still halfway through his speech. Sirius and Peter were behind him, laughing without hiding it, their clothes and hair and faces as Lily remembered them from the last time she had seen them, on King’s Cross platform: messy, but communicating mischievousness and a great will to live.

Exactly what she lacked.

She was not the only one staring at the young men. Two or three attendees had swung round, wandering who was arming hell behind there, and were now nudging their neighbors, appalled looks on their faces.

Whispers of wonder and astonishment rapidly covered the boring speaker’s words.

“What, they’re back!”

“Look at their smiles! The mission was a success, it’s sure!”

“Finally! Dumbledore must have found a way.”

“May Merlin hear your words, Agatha.”

“Almost two years out of the country, poor lads.”

“Looks like Albania didn’t educate Black and Pettigrew better than England had.”

“But it surely did a great job with Potter.”

James’ hair, surprisingly, was not storm-like; his glasses were not dangerously hanging from its point of his nose, but had somehow settled up on its bridge. His shirt was carefully inserted in his pants, which had been ironed, so could impossibly be his. His face was scarred in some places, but it was easy to notice the presence of proper baths and skin care on his regular traits.

This could not be James Potter.

The most shocking part of his appearance, to Lily, were his shoelaces. Leather strings, tied properly.

Reluctantly, she was reminded of that chilly pre-Christmas exams time of her sixth year.

This was already a period of doubt in the wizarding world, and the Gryffindors had decided to strengthen the solidarity bond with Yule gift. It had been Mary’s idea to write the names on a piece of paper, introduce it in a bag, and make everyone secretly draw one out. To Lily’s despair, she had caught that one paper she dreaded, the only one she’d have died to avoid. At that time, Potter still was the biggest pain in the neck ever for Lily. At least, that’s what every student got to hear daily.

The day to leave Hogwarts for the end-of-year holidays arrived, bringing along the deadline for the present giving. 

As Remus told Lily later, James had found a  tiny pack on his bedroom table, which wore no name, no mark that could tell him who had been his secret Santa. But by gradually removing everyone else from his list -- “Oi Pads! Next time you give me socks, at least watch out for matching sizes!” “Marlene! Who’s the fucking idiot who told you I like ice tea?” --, the boy had reduced his possible suspects to only one person. 

He had looked for her morning long, but had resigned himself to open the gift alone on the train Platform, after his fruitless searching.

Still, lily had never been very far, just hiding well. From the corner where she was watching him, ashamed of what she had done, Lily had seen the pair of formless, ragged pieces of thin rope being taken out from the wrapping paper. She had gulped down hard, wishing he would just throw them under the locomotive, consider it a prank. She had wanted to scream at him that “See Potter, that’s how important you are to me,” even if she was not sure she really felt this way.

But something incredible had happened. James had called the other Marauders, had gestured something to them, pointing to his feet, his face flushed with excitement. Sirius had rolled his eyes, but Peter had patted him on the back gently, and had helped him to fix the strings on his shoes. The four of them had laughed, James more drunkenly than heartily, and he had then cried out to the crowd, “Look at this, Evans! Best gift I’ve ever received!”

Lily’s stomach had done a 360 degrees flip, and she had bit her lip, trying to force herself into believing that he was just joking.

“Never gonna see me without ‘em!”

And she had never.

Until now.

Her eyes unconsciously trailed up his figure, until they came to rest on his shining smile. Her look met his, and the smile disappeared.

An unpleasant heaviness tied her throat.

For the first time since she was 18, she realized that her strong will had failed. The last two years’ efforts had been completely useless.

And for the first time since she was 18, she felt a ray of hope warming her face

But Fate knows how to be cruel.

The world seemed to spin in slow motion when a blonde girl, whom Lily had never seen before, stepped in the room. Sirius greeted her, and James’ eyes abandoned Lily’s to settle on the newcomer.

His grin came back. He opened his arms to welcome her.

The redhead felt a pang between her ribs, in that place she hadn’t considered for months.

It had taken her only one second to feel her heart come alive for the first time in two years.

And one more to murder it all over again.

Leaving behind a crowd in growing agitation, Lily sped off down the hallway.

He didn’t follow her.

***

She had seen the message earlier in the afternoon.

Which, to be frank, had been a real luck: she wasn’t opening her post anymore. She barely even ate.

But receiving an envelope with the red Hogwarts’ crest at the age of twenty meant that something serious was going to happen.

So she had read, understood, and followed the instructions.

And now she found herself gazing at the dark walls of the Ministry of Magic, armed, and ready to fight.

Ready to- give everything.

Go big or go to the grave.

The call came from some hundred meters behind her. “Evans!”

Kingsley had always been a good speaker, with that loud voice of his. In the times when they still called each other by their first name, she imagined him to become a radio presenter. Instead, he wore the Auror’s colors now. And had been promoted as a secondary leader of the Order.

Still, maybe, after this fucking war…

“Are you going to daydream for long? You’re the last one.”

Lily shook her head to get out of her drowsiness, and sprinted toward her group leader. He looked at her with a critical frown. “You should gulp something down more often, Evans.”

And they were off toward the other end of the somber corridor.

“How many of them?”

“Our sentry counted twenty to the meeting this morning. Cobra confirmed the hour of the attack.” Cobra, their double agent. They only disposed of one, and hoped they were not infiltrated as well. “We secretly evacuated the employees and officers in the early afternoon.”

“How many of us?” She knew the answer. It was the same every time the whole squad was convocated. She just liked to have all the information confirmed.

“Eighteen.”

A mechanical nod of approval, but then- “Eighteen?”

“Eighteen,” repeated Kinsley’s strong voice. “Eighteen.”

Deep below his still tone, there was some embarrassment.

For fuck’s sake no. Not tonight.

But Fate knows how to be cruel.

She first saw Peter, a grimace of utter worry stamped on his face. He looked ready to die. Not by fighting, but of fright. He did not grin at her when their glances bumped, but lowered his head.

Sirius saw her, but acted as if not. Of the Marauders, he had always been the one who liked her less. He was still angry at her for deserting them, causing another anguish to their group of friends.

From the bottom of her heart resurfaced the desire that Remus had come back from his mission too. She was selfish, but she would have given anything to have him as the third add to the squad.

As she thought this, James’ face came into focus, ten steps away. Right where Kingsley was pointing.

“But-”

He glared at her. “The orders don’t come from me, Evans.”

She reluctantly wished him good luck, and headed towards her fight partner.

Standing next to him gave her goosebumps.

“Evans.”

Cold, indifferent greeting.

“Potter.”

Erased, bitter answer.

Lily felt James shifting his weight from foot to foot. Their breathing was distressed.

“Listen to me everyone!” The leader’s words echoed in the huge, nearly lifeless hall. “The orders for this mission are clear: protect the ministry at all cost. I don’t care how you do it: fight until you are not able to breathe anymore. Do not pay attention to the rest of the team, be the only one standing if it has to be this way. Reinforcements are planned to arrive.” He marked a pause, fixed each member of his group, each soul under his charge, knowing that he may never see them again. “And please, do your best to not fucking die.”

There was no clapping, no murmur of approval. You don’t acclaim what can be the most final goodbye.

“You wrote.”

The words slipped off her tongue in an unauthorized murmur. She mentally punched herself.

“You didn’t write back.”

She had sworn she wouldn’t.

All lights were off. The silence was sluggish. The air was suffocating.

It was not her first operation of defense, but a sense of uneasiness was crawling up Lily’s lungs. She never had to fight in almost complete darkness before. A good pair cooperation was going to be crucial.

Great, she’d probably die tonight.

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t intend to say goodbye to life right today, Evans.” James’ voice was full of assurance. “So if you could please avoid to hit me square in the chest...”

He really thought that she hated him.

Everybody thought so.

That’s how she had made her letter sound.

A blonde silhouette hovered before her eyes for the fraction of a moment.

“Just fucking fight, you prat.”

And the conversation was over.

The first flash of electric green ripped the stillness seconds later, but the real shock shook them when somebody screamed.

At least two dozens of black draughts circled the members of the Order, and materialized in masked, caped shapes. The impact of red and blue lights was immediate, and chaos erupted.

Rolling down to the floor, Lily avoided a stupefy thrown her way, and poured all her rage in a bright orange spell. A strangled sound confirmed that she had hit her target.

“Expelliarmus!” shouted James from her side. He threw himself to the ground too, when his missed aim replicated. Lily saved him by conjuring a shielding charm, but couldn’t avoid the intense shot of purple that hit her in the ribs.

At first, nothing. Then, everything.

A snake of fire formed in her veins, consuming her skin. A searing blade was tearing her insides, her hands were attacked by invisible knives, her throat scratched by razors at each call for misericord. Her flaming hair cruelly danced around her, threatening to choke her already impossible breathing. Her bones were exploding, her mind was becoming something else. A burnt smell travelled in the atmosphere, her vision was masked by red sparks of suffering.

They always tell you horrific things about the cruciatus curse. They never approach the truth.

She could not think, nor react. She was a broken doll in some atrocious kid’s hands.

Her screams filled her attacker’s ears like a gong of victory. He savagely flicked his wand, enjoying the sight of the contorsionating girl.

He paid his barbarity too cheaply.

“Avada kedavra!”

Still harboring an ugly smirk, Adam Rosier became James Potter’s first victim, collapsing on the ground as the meaningless mass he was. The young wizard spat in the Death Eater’s direction, leaving for later his reaction to the shock of killing somebody.

He ducked a lost red flash, and ran to kneel down next to his partner’s motionless body. He prayed under his breath that she hadn’t died right here and now, before his eyes, because of him. His forehead was pale skin under a coat of sweat.

He grabbed her wrist, felt only a faint pulse, muttered a spell, prayed harder.

“Potter!” Kingsley’s voice was barely audible through the wall of imprecations and incantations, even though he was his closest ally. “Potter! What the hell! Get up and fight!”

No time to explain him about Lily, he would not have listened anyway. The orders were clear, and Kingsley was a man shaped by rules.

James sent him to hell, and took the girl in his arms, wrapped in occasional bursts of light.

He made it to the nearest hiding he could find, a wide crack in a wall, with a deep burn in the back and a bleeding eyebrow, but ignored them at his best. He carefully laid the witch on the fissured floor, waved his hands above her head, and breathed a couple of curing charms.

An explosion resounded, the ground quaked. Dust and little stones fell from the roof, hitting her face like solid rain drops.

“Please, Evans, don’t be a bitch and stay alive.”

He risked himself to shake her shoulder.

A groan escaped her throat, and James almost fainted of relief when her eyelids slowly raised.

“What the-” Her feverish eyes opened widely, and she sat up in a urge, releasing the content of her stomach on the concrete ground. Her face was the same color.

Another violent tremor shook the building, and the man had to force his throat shut.

When Lily’s retching came to an unsure end, her back found the floor as a support.

Her breath was heavy.

“Are you ok?”

Now, what a dumb question. Of course she was not.

She didn’t answer.

Lily had never imagined that she would meet James Potter again under these circumstances. It made the whole situation worse.

She had left him broken, two years ago. She had disappeared, leaving scars all over his soul. Yet, there he was, saving her life.

This was one of the things she had struggled the most to hate in him, when time had come to force herself out of their relationship. His unconditional kindness, his generous thoughtfulness. He was ready to believe in anybody’s redemption, providing excuses to the most irrational behaviors.

Through the blurry curtains of her pain, Lily distinguished his creased brow. Of course, he was preoccupied. He couldn’t hold any grudge, had to forgive everyone. Even when they killed him in the inside.

Why the fuck did he always have to be so- himself?

Lying, pale like a blanket, she wore that severe expression that implied she was on the edge of exploding.

A blonde face smiled at her. She blinked, and it was gone.

“Did you just call me a bitch, Potter.”

It was not a question, nor a joke to release the tension. He felt it.

“I just saved your life, Evans,” he defended himself.

“You are disobeying the orders.”

Their eyes met for the first time that night. It felt like a clash.

“So what, I should have left you at that monster’s mercy?”

“Exactly.”

James pushed his glasses up his nose with a raging gesture.

“You know what, Evans? I may actually consider you to be a bitch. And I surely have a hundred reasons to. Do you realize that it’s the first time we have a conversation since our- since our last day at Hogwarts?” There was badly disguised pain in his words. “Do you realize that, maybe, I have some questions?”

From the breach on the wall, some bits of the fight penetrated their safe place.

Lily stumbled up.

“Where do you think you’re going now?” James’ voice was irritated, but also preoccupied. He hadn’t brought her all the way here to see her fall again out there.

“Have you really not heard the bloody orders, Potter,” she answered, leaning on the wall to chase away her dizziness. “Get your scared ass in the tussle and fight.”

“But you can’t possibly think t-!” She was already out of reach of his words, moving toward the core of the collision. “Damn it, Lily!”

She heard him running toward the center of the mass a few seconds later.

“Confringo!” Her blue sparkle hit one of the enemies straight at the heart, and she stupefied another one shortly after avoiding his attack.

Feeling that agony inside her had heightened her expectations of sufferance, and she thought of nothing as she walked more dead than alive through the web of curses.

She was angry at the world, at James Potter, and at herself.

“Avada ke-”

Her words were cut off by the sudden disappearance of her target, leaving her baffled. She looked for another Death Eater to aim at, but could find none alive in sight.

She heard Kingsley’s confused imprecations, joined by Alice’s, and James’ sharp inhalations neax to her.

The temperature had dropped considerably.

“You have lost enough.” The treacherous voice snaked its way to her ears like a repulsive melody invading her mind. “If you give up now, you will be rewarded. Lord Voldemort is not insensible to courage.”

Several looks scanned the room, but the semi darkness prevented anybody from seeing farther than a few meters away.

A glacial laughter resounded in her head.

In prey of a terrible presentiment, Lily focused on counting the living people remaining in the hall, all members of the Order. One, two, five, ten, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. Fifteen! Maybe she had just counted wrong. Again: one, five, ten, fifteen.

“You have until the count of three to surrender,” the voice explained, freezing her blood. “Or else you will all die.”

A bright light illuminated the air, forcing Lily to protect her eyes with her hand.

Her limbs stiffened.

Three bodies were suspended in the emptiness by a magical rope tied to their chest.

Three faces were decomposed in fear, bathed in this raw light.

Amanda, Drew, and Peter were hanging twenty meters above the ground.

Lily had found her three missing teammates. Panic was boiling between her temples.

Peter emitted a strangled squeal that shook her from her apathy. His eyes, out of their orbits, were fixing a point behind the group.

“Face me, members of Dumbledore’s army! See the traits of the man that will end your miserable existence if you don’t bend to him!”

When she swung round, a cry escaped her mouth.

The body was draped in black, floating in mid air. The face was thin, blueish, bore no nose. The fingers were long, bony, holding a menacing wand. The eyes were a snake’s, of an intense red.

The smile was sharp, victorious.

She was staring at the Dark Lord in person.

“I advise you to surrender,” The voice did not reach Lily through her ears. It came from between her ribs, from the center of her bones. “Now.”

Lily felt James’ body tensing centimeters away from hers, but the menace received no answer.

Despite the fear, the orders were clear.

“Good,” the Dark Lord’s voice echoed, with a cynical trace of amusement sketched in it. “So let the countdown begin. Nagini!”

Lily’s knees trembled.

Whatever Nagini was, it came slowly, imperceptibly, quietly, like death itself.

They didn’t see it, but they could feel its presence to their left, their right, everywhere. The creature’s aura trapped them, froze them. It was as if a spell had been casted on the room, preventing any movement. Any smell, any sound, had disappeared from the world.

The wizards couldn’t even hear their own shaky breath.

Time had stopped.

“One!”

A shout of despair recalled Lily’s attention on the point where the hostages were hanging.

Faster than a bolt, a long, scaled form had coiled down the first rope. Amanda’s face, which had been deformed in horror, was now still, her pupils vitreous. On her neck, a hideous mark was drawn in blood.

The aftermath of the cruciatus hit Lily hard in the stomach, and she felt like throwing up again.

Her arms couldn’t move, she was paralyzed.

“Two!”

She saw Drew’s last desperate look falter on his traits.

Heavy drops of cold sweat slided down her spine. She gathered all her forces, interrupting her breathing in the effort, weak from her injury.

Peter already looked dead to her.

She struggled to stretch her fingers.

“Th-”

“Confringo!” “Avada Kedavra!” “Petrificus totalus!” “Cruciatus!”

The four spells flew at the same time toward the voice.

Responding to their instincts, Lily, James, Sirius, and Alice had managed to break the inertia that was pinning them down, firing their shots with a propulsed rage.

It happened so fast.

Nobody could resist to four curses at once.

A ball of blinding light surrounded the Dark Lord, its powerful energy making everyone fall to their knees. The inhuman cry of destruction ripped the atmosphere, pierced their eardrums, reached their souls and tore them apart. A storm of black dust wrapped, asphyxiated them. There was coughing, an intense warmth, and the smell of rotten meat.

A skull formed in the air, laced by a snake. For a split second, it seemed to Lily that the skull looked at her with an intense rage.

She heard Peter’s screams, then fainted.

***

Lily wondered why everybody preferred life rather than death. At least, when you’re dead, you can’t wake up to a raw reality.

The first signal that she received from her body was a stabbing pain on her side. She stifled a cry with her pillow, which left a disagreeable smell of bleach on her face.

The sheets were white, that’s all she saw. Her eyes were too sensible to last more than a few seconds open.

Last time she had found herself in medical care, it had been because of a potions experiment gone wrong, in her seventh school year.

Right after waking up for good, she had been greeted by half a dozen of her friends, either sitting or standing, who had brought her sweets and kind notes.

Professors had passed by in the day, beaming at her and sharing their wishes of seeing her well soon.

Tucked under the soft sheets, she had thanked them all dearly.

The only thing to beckon now was the lonely grey chair that flanked her uncomfortable mattress.

She hated hospitals.

She tried to move her hands, but the effort caused a wave of protest in her stomach.

Her other, rapid sight of the world were two shadows on the white curtain that isolated her bed.

It took her a while to distinguish any sound.

“... serious state,” affirmed a high-pitched voice.

“How long do you think it will take?”

Dumbledore. This was Dumbledore’s serious tone.

“Probably days,” placidly answered the woman. “She was hit by a cruciatus, according to Shacklebolt. It didn’t last more than a dozen of seconds, but it was enough to make her lose her senses. And then, there was this explosion they all talk about. We can’t understand the magnitude of the force that hit them, nor how it possibly left her in such a drained state. She was two-thirds dead when they brought her here. Do you know anything more?”

The buzzing in her ears made it impossible for Lily to hear the warlock’s murmured answer.

“If you are right, I must act right now. Another healer will lead you to Pettigrew’s room. Black left yesterday, while Longbottom is still unconscious. Potter received a visit earlier in the morning. A young woman, to whom we gave exceptional allowance as she affirmed being his fiancee.”

A hurtful darkness engulfed Lily.

***

Everything was numb.

She was vaguely aware of the door of her room clicking open. A voice slinked in.

“I am not sure if she’s awaken yet, boy. And visits are not allowed, at this stage of the cure. You’ll have to come back in a few days, when she’ll feel better.”

It took some seconds for the words to sink in.

What?

No fucking way she was going to stay in this hell of a place for ‘a few days.’

“Hey!” She called.

Hurried steps came her way, the curtains were dragged open, and a grey beard bent over her face. The man’s pungent breath stung her nostrils.

He pulled back just in time to avoid her first retching wave.

The world was spinning, she couldn’t draw in any oxygen.

“Johnes!” The healer’s voice was as disagreeable as his smell. “Call Jenkins and Perks, she’s having another attack!”

The last thing Lily saw, as her unsteady gaze fell on the doorframe, before sinking back into oblivion, were squared glasses and ruffled hair.

***

This dance between life and death was the most exhausting thing that had ever happened to her.

Exhausting and deceiving: she always woke up.

The fissures under her eyelashes revealed the same depressing white light on the roof. She groaned, but was relieved that no twist of nausea manifested itself. Her tongue seemed glued to her palate, and her throat was as dry as a roasted nut.

Helping herself with her forearms, Lily sat up.

“Bloody hell,” she whispered. It somehow felt comforting to hear her own voice, even if it was cracked. “When was the last time I brushed my teeth.”

“Six days ago, I’d say.”

Her start was so violent that she almost rolled down to the floor.

“That is, assuming that you wash them regularly.”

The grey chair at her right was not empty anymore. James was sitting on it, his legs crossed.

Lily instinctively pulled the sheets up, to cover what the hospital’s blouse barely disguised. “What- How in the world did you get inside here?”

The man pointed a finger toward the door with a smirk, which, in other conditions, would have made her roll her eyes.

She scanned him. He looked much more like the James she had always known, with his hair all untidy and his crumpled shirt half-tuck in his pants.

Nostalgy almost made her smile, but she got the feeling that he wouldn’t have appreciated it.

“What do you want?”

His stare fled hers.

“Before your dear friend comes back to kick my butt out of here, you should see this.”

He handed her a copy of the Daily Prophet

The rugose paper was stained in multiple places, ripped in others, but it would have been difficult not to read the title that took the entire half of the first page, ‘The Dark Lord Defeated.’

Lily’s jaw dropped. “I swear, if this is one of your stupid pranks, I’ll-”

A spasm in the side cut her sentence.

“Calm down, Evans. We don’t want you to die after becoming a hero, do we? Dumbledore would kill me.”

His finger brushed the upper corner of the newspaper, invisibly highlighting some words and numbers. Swallowing with difficulty, Lily read the date of publication. It was from three days ago.

“So?”

“So it’s not a prank. But it’s useless. He’s still alive. Cobra confirmed it.”

Her shoulders dropped. Still-

“How can somebody resist to four attacks at the same time? He can’t possibly be alive!”

James brushed her comment away with a gesture of his head. “Have you seen him the other night, Evans? He already looked like a corpse. He masters some dark magic we don’t know about, not even Dumbledore. I doubt we achieved anything more than to anger him.”

It had been too good to be true. Though it didn’t feel like reality. More like a nightmare.

“We did more than that. We saved Pet-”

Her voice died in her throat.

They had saved Peter.

They had saved only Peter.

On her neck, a hideous mark was drawn in blood.

Amanda had always been nice to Lily, even if the latter didn’t seek people’s company. She had shared with her a part of her lunch for long, after a particularly hard week, when Lily’s hollow cheeks had become too evident.

The last look of despair faltered on his face.

Drew had always been an important moral support to the squad. Not the most brilliant bloke in the world, but his seriousness was a column to which many members had found support, including Lily.

They had been important, in their own way.

And now they were gone.

Lily’s shoulders slumped.

“I- there is something else- I have to tell you.” James’ pause was sad, warned her of the worse. “Dumbledore told me something about- the second hostage’s wife. She- she died yesterday. They did her possible to save her but h-”

He kept talking, but nothing reached her ears.

Lily had met Drew’s wife once. The Order had lost her as a member when she had lost her brother because of a mission. She was very reserved, pale like a chrysanthemum. Drew often compared her to a frail flower, but Lily had understood that she was ill.

They were a loyal couple, loved each other dearly.

In wedding vows, you promise to follow your other half everywhere, no matter what.

The poor woman had kept her promise.

The air burnt Lily’s throat. She didn’t want to breathe anymore.

James was still sitting next to her, and didn’t move as she buried her grief under a sea of tears.

She would have wanted him to hug her, to help her soothe the pain of mourning people she had barely known, but who had died in front of her.

‘Fiancee’ had said the healer to Dumbledore.

“Just leave, please.”

It costed her only a whisper, and she was alone again.

***

Lily filled her lungs with the sun’s air, relieved to inhale the dust of the streets. After ten days of undergoing all types of stupid tests in the hospital, she was finally physically out.

What she needed now was infinite sleep, and a ton of pain killers.

But Fate knows how to be cruel.

***

Things reached her through a haze.

The bed and the light were the same, just the curtains had changed. They were thicker.

It was a nightmare repeating itself.

Her head throbbed. Somebody must have hit her skull with a hammer.

The person standing right next to her, maybe.

“Good morning, Lily.” For a moment, she feared that the man would get too close. Then she noticed that his beard was clearer than the healer’s. “Can I have a second of your time?”

Her instinct advised her to send him to hell, her sore throat won the battle.

Dumbledore observed her like a little girl looks at an injured puppy. Something in his voice was wrong.

“Do you remember anything, Lily?”

Anything of what?

Shaking her head made her nerves go wild.

“You did it again.”

She did what now. End up in a bed that smelt of too much cleaning?

Yeah, she had noticed.

“You defeated Lord Voldemort a second time.”

And she passed out.

***

“Can somebody  tell me what the fuck he meant?” The only answer she got was the metallic noises of medical tools. “How in the world did I ended up in this disgusting place again? What’s going on?”

Being nice had been completely erased from her agenda.

The nurses who were taking her blood pressure sighed in frustration. “We have already told you, Ms. Evans. We can’t tell you anything. The Head Healer said-”

“Then call your damned Head Healer.”

The women left without taking their toolkit.

An eternity later, Grey Beard stepped in.

“Good afternoon Ms. E-”

“How did I fucking end up here?”

He seemed to hesitate.

“I have been instructed to not reveal any information, Ms. Evans, for the sake of your health. You will have to wait until you get the green light to leave.”

“As if,” she grunted. “Where is Dumbledore?”

The man hesitated. His inner voices were arguing over what to do, but promptly found an agreement.

He left the room, and didn’t come back for the next two days.

***

“I am not a doll!”

Her fist hit the table.

She was wild. A real storm.

The portraits on the walls were empty, their occupants having fled toward a better climate.

Behind his desk, Hogwarts’ Headmaster didn’t flinch.

“You left me rotting in that horrible hospital for ten more days.” Her tears were a free stream. “You came to give me an explanation when I could only think you were a vision.” A bubble burst in her chest. “And now you tell me that-”

Dumbledore sighed. “And now I tell you that the girl who was your best friend died in that mission you can’t even remember.” Lily pressed her hand to her mouth, bit her fingers with rage. “Ms. Mckinnon was one of our best members, Ms. Evans. She knew that this mission was highly dangerous. She accepted it. Do not blame yourself.”

It hurt.

It hurt because Marlene had been the first person Lily had met after her sister had called her a freak for the hundredth time, on King’s Cross station.

It hurt because Lily hadn’t spoken to Marlene after their last day at Hogwarts, for the same reason why she had broken up with James, for the same reason why she had refused to answer to Mary or Remus’s letter.

It hurt because Marlene had been the only one to accept her decision, to try to understand her, when she had left.

It hurt because, after that, she had seen her for the last time during a mission she didn’t remember, maybe told her something she didn’t recall, or perhaps ignored her like Sirius had done with her.

“Are there- Are there chances to recover my memory?”

At least she could grasp to that, but Dumbledore’s eyes were sorry.

“The shock of the impact, its magnitude, leaves us few hopes, Ms. Evans. We don’t know what would have happened if Longbottom hadn’t come to your rescue.” Lily shuddered. I wouldn’t be here. “But what you managed to do,” he adds in a comforting voice, “Is extraordinary. Ms. Mckinnon will not have died in vain.”

She could ask him again, but he didn’t seem incline to disclose some information. It didn’t belong to him, after all.

“So who could tell me what happened exactly that night?”

She needed to know from somebody who had been there.

She needed to know how it had happened.

“Four people were present beside you and Ms. Mckinnon. Black refuses to have any contact with anybody, Fortescue and Longbottom are still interned. The only one that will accept to help you is-”

She felt the answer before he could mention it.

Fate knows how to be cruel.

“James Potter.”

***

The doorbell rang.

It had cost her a herculean effort. She hoped that no blonde girl would open the door.

An eye appeared in the spy-hole, widened considerably, then vanished.

There was a second of doubt before the wooden panel swung on its hinges.

“Lily?”

Blimey, Euphemia Potter hadn’t changed a bit. Maybe she had a couple more wrinkles, but these are things you don’t notice in women like her.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Potter. Is James here?”

Euphemia defied the girl with a stare. A mother never forgets the face of her son’s murderer.

“Please,” begged Lily. “It’s very important.”

The woman slowly nodded.

In the corridor, she didn’t offer her any tea or biscuits. Not even water. She pointed to the living room, then disappeared upstairs.

Lily crossed her legs, and patiently waited.

She didn’t hear James coming, and practically did not see him standing in the doorframe until he cleared his throat.

Again, that will to hug him, to forget everything in the security of his warm embrace.

“What do you want, Evans?”

She raised her eyes to his face. “What happened?”

He sat in the armchair that faced her, and did something that pushed her down the cliff.

He took her hands.

***

Marlene had infiltrated the Death Eaters’ meeting.

The Order needed information. They had provided her a backup squad, in case things would go wrong. Everything was under control until the Dark Lord had required the attendees to take off their masks.

He knew.

Marlene had looked at him straight in the eyes when he had raised his wand.

“You jumped forward from behind the double-wall.” James tried to hold his voice together, pressing his thumbs gently on her palms. “Marlene looked at you as if you were from another world. For the fraction of a second, her empty expression switched with the one she usually harbored at- at Hogwarts. She badly wanted to smile, but you were both about to die, so she didn’t. The effect of surprise you had caused vanished, and the shot was fired. Hit her square in the chest.” He badly represses a sob. “He dismissed the meeting, as if nothing had happened, while you were still gazing at Marlene’s body. He felt so- superior.”

Lily’s vision was blurry.

“He was aiming at you, smirking, when shock woke you up. You turned to face him, and screamed the curse. He underestimated you so much that he didn’t duck it on time, so he stumbled. Alice and Frank were quick with their spells, but he was quicker. Like last time, his dark image invaded the room, and he dissolved into thin air. You were the closest one, the energy trapped you.”

Her mind didn’t want to assimilate this as the truth, though she knew deep down that it was the correct version of facts.

It felt unreal, but what did not lately?

She was not even capable to accept pain and sadness anymore.

“Lily… We could have gone through this together…” In other times, embarrassment would have made him scratch his neck, but his fingers were warm on hers. His grip was firm. He wanted an answer. “Why did you do it?”

Did he honestly think that she could talk about this right now?

She wanted to cry, but her body was dry.

“You have a fiancee, James. I don’t think it really matters to you anymore.”

“Don’t use that accusative tone. It sounds as if you expected me to wait forever.”

“I didn’t expect you to wait forever. I just hoped…”

“You hoped! Be honest, Lily! I thought you loved me at least a fragment of how much I loved you, that would have been enough. The world as we knew it was breaking apart, we all needed some stable points, but you decided to destroy my strongest one!” He grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look at him in the eyes. “Do you know how much our relationship meant to me? Did you realize that you’d leave me in pieces? Did you even care? It turned out you hated me!”

Two years of efforts.

Marlene had died not knowing that she loved her, perhaps even thinking the contrary.

“I didn’t!” Her shout made him recoil. “I loved you more than anything in the world, James! I- I wanted to save you! You, Peter, Remus, Sirius, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, and all the others! You were getting attacked for dating me! They fucking used the cruciatus on you, while we were still at school, bloody hell! You got tortured because of me!”

James was appalled. He raised, dropping her hands.

“Loving somebody means caring about their feelings, Lily. You hurt me more by leaving than these damned moron could have in hours of persecution! They came after me anyway! They still tried to kill me after you left! And guess what, I didn’t feel like surviving! I was dead in the inside! Was it not for the boys, I would be under six feet of dust right now!”

She stood up too, erecting herself so his nose faced her forehead.

Her eyes were losing their sparkle.

“You don’t hear yourself, James! War is not the right moment to attach your life to somebody else’s, most of all if that person is a principal aim! Look at what happened to Drew and his wife. He died, and she didn’t resist! I didn’t want that! I didn’t want you to suffer because of me!”

“It was harder to accept the fact that you were leaving without any apparent reason! Fuck, Lily! Try to be coherent!”

“You had friends then, but who knew if they’d still be living later! You got over it, you didn’t die of despair! You found l-”

She had to sit down, to cover her face with her hands.

All she had wanted was to protect him.

And now, he had a fiancee. Another person through which they could harm him.

He was making all her struggles meaningless.

He was making her jealous.

“You found love again.”

Fate knows how to be cruel.

***

Her apartment had never seemed as dim as when she stepped out of the chimney.

Even after opening the curtains -- she took them off, she had had enough of any kind of them -- the windows barely let a couple of light rays in. They needed some cleaning, but it seemed impossible to her that such a basic task still existed.

There was war going on. Her living room glass panels begged for some soap.

The two things did not get along at all.

Lily sank in her old sofa, sending a cloud of dust and ashes spiraling in the air. She took her wand out of her pocket, and examined it consciously. She was not sure to remember how to use it.

When you want to produce magic, you need to mean something.

She didn’t feel like she meant anything anymore.

Her gaze dropped to the floor, and this is when she noticed the envelope abandoned on the carpet.

***

Lily hesitated.

It was pure suicide.

“How many of us?”

Her favorite question to alleviate the pressure.

Though now, she really needed to know.

“Four.” It was a glacial answer. A frightened answer. “More would be too much, and less… pure craziness.”

This was already crazy. Marlene had tried. She had failed.

“Who else apart from us?”

“Frank,” Of course. “And James.”

Considering her luck in the last months, it didn’t even surprise her.

“I’m in.”

Their imperceptible nod was a silent promise .

Lily was about to leave her teammate’s flat when something clicked in her head.

“Does somebody officially know about this?”

Alice’s eyes scanned the redhead’s face, calculating the pros and cons of telling the truth.

“No.”

Nobody would come to their rescue. It was a secret against a safety.

They were disobeying the orders.

Their last drop of hope splashed on the floor.

***

Lily rubbed her hands together, then blew some hot air between her joined palms.

She was the first to arrive, for once. Hell, if she had to die, she had to do something extraordinary before.

There was a loud crack behind her, followed by another one. Without speaking a word in the silent night, Alice and Frank acknowledged her presence, then took different paths to their positions.

The woman waited for the last apparating sound to turn around.

The man wore a long coat and dark pants. His hair was combed, but he ruffled it. He probably wanted to die as himself.

“Good evening, Lily.”

“‘evening, Potter.”

She seemed unable to articulate anything more. But they didn’t have the whole night at disposition.

“You know, I meant it,” she said at last. He slightly raised a brow, observing her tense face from above his glasses. “When I said I loved you.” He looked away. She could see his perfect jawline contract as he clenched his teeth. “And as we’ll probably never see each other again…”

She stood on her toe tips, and lightly brushed his lips with hers.

Saying that it didn’t provoke any emotion in their chest would be a blatant lie.

But it didn’t feel the same anymore.

He had loved her, but she had hurt him. He had slowly mended his wounds, didn’t want to open them again.

Lily understood it, pain and remorse corroding her soul.

She left to take her position.

***

This time, it was over. They had finally done it.

He was gone. She believed it.

She wanted to believe it.

She hadn’t even ended up in that fucking hospital.

Maybe life was going to be good again.

She asked nothing more of it than to be acceptable.

So she had said yes to a couple of firewhiskey glasses. Which had turned into bottles.

The Daily Prophet’s title was its biggest in history: ‘The Dark Lord Defeated For Good: Four Heros To Thank.’

The journalist and editor must have been drunk.

In the pub, wizards and witches greeted her, thanked her, cried in front of her.

They were all drunk as well.

The music, the shouts, the people. It was all too much. She had retired in one of the bedrooms. To be alone with her thoughts drowned in alcohol.

It felt wrong to celebrate.

“Evans?” The slur was full of booze.

James was one of the other ‘heros,’ and understood as much as her how heavy this title was. They other two did too, but at least they could make out to forget.

He slowly came to sit next to her, on the mattress.

Chills ran down her spine.

“Nice party, huh?”

She didn’t answer. He was talking to her as if nothing had happened before the attack. Maybe he didn’t remember.

“Know what, Evans?” He took a sip from the bottle he had in hand. A long sip. “This whole story is bullshit. If four curses didn’t killed him the first time, I doubt that he got affected now. The man’s not over. He’s got like a thousand souls, I swear.”

This stupid theory, the stress, her hopelessness made her laugh nervously.

Granted, she had drunk one shot too much.

James had indeed forgotten all about her confession. He had blissfully forgotten everything about his life for this night. He deserved it.

The only thing he was conscious of was that, whatever the newspapers said, he had a bad presentment. And also that his leg brushed hers.

Meanwhile, Lily was getting hysterical. Her cackling irritated him, and he, pushed by the cruelty of oblivion, found no other way to shut her up than to press his lips to hers.

It was not a kiss like those they had shared in their youth. This one was furious, full of reproaches, aggressive. It was the result of tension, of an intense passion repressed for two years, moved by firewhiskey.

It was not sincere, it was desperate, crazy, drunk.

They were breathless, broken, intoxicated. They were lying on a bed, forgotten by everyone, in a room too far from reach.

The moon was full outside, treacherous, insatiable. The wolves hollowed in the woods, the empty souls trembled, the proud ones lost themselves.

Fate knows how to be cruel.

Lily and James were proud souls.

What should not have happened, happened.

***

“Don’t you fucking dare to kid me on this, Sirius.”

“I swear to you on Merlin’s left b-”

“How the bloody hell… What did he tell Katie?”

“The truth. The kid is his. Due in July.”

“Fuck.”

“I know. She slapped him round the face, didn’t want to see him for a week.”

“Did he-”

“They’re going to marry in June.”

“Lily and him?”

“Katie and him, Moony.”

“What?”

“Katie’s his fiancee. What happened with Lily was- an accident.”

“Are you fucking kidding me! I know he said he would never forgive her, but for Gryffindor’s hell of a hat… ”

“The girls are holding no excessive mortal grudge. Lily will settle in a calm neighborhood, she’ll have an old witch to help her with the baby.”

“At least that. The newspapers?”

“Those stupid blokes that call themselves journalists don’t say anything on the topic, too busy explaining why the Dark Lord is back after all. ”

“Hoping it’ll last, last thing we want is a scandal. But I guess the Ministry is covering them up. They still need them as a symbol.”

“Yeah. Defeated the Dark Lord thrice. But that bastard keeps coming back.”

“You know, it’s the first time I hear about Lily in two years.”

“I’m sorry, Moony.”

“Bloody fucking hell… Life’s a bitch.”

***

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies...." 

***

She let him in.

James came once a month, when Katie allowed him to. His wife was sensible to Harry being the result of adults’ mistakes, just a kid.

A kid bound to die.

Lily’s hands trembled every time she opened the door. She feared to see her nightmare, the blueish face, red eyes, coming to kill her son.

But only James and Peter knew where to find her, so she tried to ignore her fears.

Happy chirping called her in the living room. James had brought chocolate frogs, and all kinds of soft sweets were lying on the floor.

Of course.

He had once bought his son a broomstick, when the Quidditch season had started.

He was a good father.

In her letter, the letter with which she had broken their relationship, a little more than three years ago, Lily had mentioned how things are bound to happen, and how James and her were not one of these things.

Now that she saw him play on the carpet with Harry, the possibility that she may had been wrong squeezed her heart.

But Fate knows how to be cruel.

It will never tell you what decision you have to take.

It will never allow you to step back.

It will never warn you of any danger.

As James stood to leave, half an hour later, in this chilly night dressed in the colors of autumn, Fate confirmed once more its superiority with a single, blood freezing sound.

Somebody knocked on the door.

[thatoneloser-kid]

With the amount of adult references in the last of us I’d be surprised if theres been no scene of someone trying to outrun something and they end up in an adult store lmao bc I would totally see Dina smuggling stuff in her bag and being like “ hey ellie ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)” and Ellie being so flustered

A/N okay, this got smutty…

The swarm took them both completely by surprise.

They had managed to take out a few of the walkers but there was too many so they ducked into the first open store they could and locked the door.

Ellie stood with her back against the door, panting, while Dina wandered off, Ellie should have known she was being too quiet.

“Hey, Ellie,” There was a mirthful tone to Dina’s voice that made Ellie almost not want to open her eyes.

When she did open her eyes, and they adjusted to the dark, she definitely wished she hadn’t.

Dina was peeking around the end of one of the isles, a smirk on her red, sweaty face, and a large, purple dildo in her hand.

“Guess where we ended up?” She said, waving the object before disappearing again.

Ellie’s face was on fire, her heart hammering against her chest, and it certainly wasn’t due to the running.

“Dina, be careful,” Ellie said, rushing to catch up with Dina.

She wasn’t down the first two isles, surprising Ellie at the third isle, causing her to startle.

“This place isn’t safe, D-“

“Open up,”

“What?”

“Open up,” Dina repeated and, against her better judgement, Ellie opened her mouth.

Dina smirked, taking the ball-gag from behind her back and placing it in between Ellie’s teeth.

Ellie stared down at her girlfriend, her cheeks tinted red and her eyes hooded.

Dina stared right back, gauging her reaction. “You’re into this,” Dina whispered and Ellie felt her ears burn. “Good to know.”

Dina removed the gag and disappeared again, leaving Ellie behind to try and catch her breathe.

“I’ve read about shops like this before,” Dina called from somewhere at the back of the shop. Ellie made her way along the stacks, finding Dina at the end of one, holding a strap on harness against her hips, and Ellie felt like she might just faint at the sight. “People used these?” Dina glanced up at Ellie quickly. “I can get behind that.”

Ellie’s mouth was dry and she was flustered like a stupid teenager.

Dina dropped the strap on back onto the shelf and picked up vibrator and eyeing it curiously, pressing one of the buttons and startling when it began buzzing and vibrating in her hand. “Wow,” she murmured, pressing the button a few more times, making the intensity of the vibration increase. “Shit, this would be a lot of fun.” She said, smirking at Ellie.

“You are not putting anything you find in here inside me.” Ellie said. “That ball was enough.”

Dina huffed playfully. “You’re no fun.”

Dina made her way through the store, picking up and playing with a few of the toys around the store, squirting out some of the lubes, and feeling all of the lingerie.

She tried a pair of handcuffs, a velvet cuff,  and leather cuffs on Ellie, smirking when Ellie groaned a little when she gave the restraints a little tug.

Ellie broke completely when Dina appeared with a black, lacy mask on and that gleeful smile on her lips.

Ellie’s hands found Dina’s face and she backed her up against the front desk, kissing her for a few seconds before easily picking her up and sitting her on the counter. “You are a goddamn tease, Dina Grover.”

“I think you like it,” Dina shot back, smirking against Ellie’s lips, hooking her heels behind her ass and pulling her in. “I think, had it been back before all this started, you would have let me use anything in here on you.”

“I think you’re right,” Ellie breathed, her eyes training on Dina’s lips.

“We need to head back, or Joel’ll be out here looking for you.” Dina brought her lips closer to Ellie’s, but not quite touching. “And I don’t think you would want Joel walking in on all the things I wanna do to you.”

A little groan escaped Ellie’s lips at those words, and she tried to kiss Dina but Dina easily kept an inch or so between them.

“Let’s get back,”

Ellie groaned when Dina pushed her back, attempting to move toward her again but Dina stopped her with the toe of her shoe against her chest. “Easy, tiger,” Dina smirked, sliding off the counter and pressing herself against Ellie, kissing her cheek before whispering. “Save it for tonight.”

Dina walked away and Ellie groaned to herself, staring up at the ceiling. “Holy shit,” she whispered before taking off after her girlfriend.

Ellie was called away less than five minutes after arriving back to help strengthen a part of the wall that had taken a beating a few days prior.

Dina kissed her on the lips, telling her she would have something on the table for her to eat when she got in. The mirth in her eyes telling Ellie that there was more to it than that.

Ellie spent the next four hours helping out with the wall before telling Tommy she was done for the night and heading.

She opened the door, her mouth open to tell Dina she was back, but the words died in her throat at the sight before her.

Dina, perched on the kitchen table, was dressed in lingerie (Part of Ellie wondered how long she was waiting, but a bigger part of her didn’t give a shit).

It was a lacy ocean blue-green colour, complete with thigh high socks and suspenders.

Ellie stumbled over her own feet as she dropped her bag haphazardly on the floor and made her way to her girlfriend, eyeing her hungrily.

“Welcome home, baby.” Dina purred and Ellie found herself stopping a few feet from Dina and just staring.

Dina smirked at that, repositioning herself, her legs spread as she faced Ellie completely.

“Holy fuck,” Ellie groaned. “Where did you even-“

“Took them from that shop, but who cares?” Dina crooked her finger at Ellie. “Here, now.”

Ellie nodded, sharp and fast, and rushed over to Dina, her hands finding her cheeks as she crashed their lips together.

Dina let it happen, for a few seconds before she pushed Ellie away, her thumb tracing over Ellie’s lip, and down her chin, wrapping her fingers around Ellie’s throat, causing a little gasp to escape Ellie’s lips, her mouth parting slightly.

“What did I say to you when I left you in the yard earlier?”

Ellie frowned, trying her best to think back to what was said, wracking her brain for a few seconds before it dawned on her. “Something to eat on the table,” Ellie whispered, arousal pooling in the pit of her stomach.

“Exactly, good girl.” Dina licks her lips, raising her eyebrows expectantly. “Well, make yourself useful, girl.”

Ellie nodded obediently, pecking Dina on the lips before kissing down her neck and chest, using her strong hands, wrapped around Dina’s thighs, to pull the girl to the edge of the table as she dropped to her knees with a soft thud.

Her eyes didn’t leave Dina’s as she traced her fingers up her inner thigh, and Dina stared right back, her fingers finding their way into Ellie’s hair.

“You’re just- you’re so beautiful.”

“Yeah? Prove it,” Dina challenged.

Ellie swallowed, her palms running up Dina’s thighs, her thumb brushing against the girls clit through the lacy underwear, causing her to gasp sharply.

Ellie licked her lips, using her fingertips to press against Dina’s dampening underwear, softly at first, her eyes not leaving Dina’s.

Dina didn’t react to the soft pressure, so Ellie pressed harder, in small circles over Dina’s clit until the woman reacted, first sinking her teeth into her bottom lip then her eyes fluttering closed, her fingers tightening in Ellie’s hair.

Ellie pulling the fabric aside, her fingers sliding down Dina’s glistening center before dipping inside, grinning when Dina’s fingers flexed in her hair.

“Ellie,”

“Mm?” Ellie hummed with a little smirk.

“Don’t,” Dina growled, her heel pressing against the top of Ellie’s back, pulling her in a few inches. “Make me wait, Williams.”

“So demanding.” Ellie murmured but done as she was told, giving a few tentative kitten licks before going in with broad strokes of her tongue, causing Dina to moan softly.

Ellie shuffled herself closer, one arm curling around Dina’s strong thigh to rub at her clit.

Dina’s hips raised from the table, her hand planting behind her and her back arching.

Ellie sucked and flicked her tongue against Dina’s clit as she slid two fingers into the girl and curved her fingers, causing Dina to gasp and buck her hips.

Dina didn’t last long, she never did when Ellie went down on her, and within ten minute she gasped sharply, her fingers tightening painfully in Ellie’s hair as her body went ridged.

Ellie wiped her mouth of Dina’s thigh before kissing her way up the girls body until she was standing.

“Seriously,” Ellie whispered, her hands pressing against Dina’s taut stomach, her forehead falling against hers as she stared down at her girlfriend’s body. “You are incredible.”

“Me?” Dina was still breathing heavily. “That was incredible.”

Ellie merely shrugged, her fingertips ghosting up Dina’s stomach, the valley between her breast, to curl around the back of her neck.

Dina smiled softly, her fingertips dipping into the waistband of Ellie’s jeans. “Take me upstairs, I may have grabbed this nice cuffs you liked.”

Ellie grinned, one arm hooking around Dina’s lower back as she lifted her, her other hand grabbing onto her thighs when they wrapped around her waist. “Yes, ma’am.”

[softboywriting]

Nurse!Shawn

A/N: Anyway i had a hot nurse today at my appointment and my brain sort of went to Shawn and yeah....hot nurse!shawn. So here’s some cute fluffy nurse!shawn. Please enjoy ♥

You’re sat in the waiting room of your dermatologist's office, picking at something you dripped on your pants during lunch. It looks like dried ranch dressing. Probably is. The waiting room is too big, too clean, too modern, too warm. It’s too much everything. You hate it. It’s both modern and sterile. A uncomfortable mix for you. You look around at the other patients waiting to see the doctors. There three teen girls who has terrible acne and an older man who looks like he’s about to fall asleep. The TV plays the TLC channel and there is some show on about flea markets. You’re trying to get into it but you just can’t. It’s dumb and you’re too anxious about your appointment.

Ever since your aunt was diagnosed with skin cancer last year your mom has been on your case about getting a skin check. From a young age you had a lot of little moles all over your body and you never thought anything about them. Until your aunt was diagnosed and went through treatment for a misshapen mole on her thigh. It was awful but they got it taken care of. You didn’t want to possibly have something like that happen to you, but the thought of having someone see you basically naked and inspect you was almost as bad. It had been a month since your mom started harping on you about getting a check and every time you would find some excuse. But then you noticed the mole under your arm looked a little larger than normal and maybe a little darker? You decided it was time to suck it up and get checked.

So here you are, in this office waiting to be called back. You wish they would just hurry up already. Two nurses had already called two of the other girls back. Surely you would be next. As if on cue the doors to the back offices opens and a tall guy walks out in black scrubs and talks to the receptionist for a moment. You look up at the sound of the door opening and you swallow thickly. The guy standing chatting with the nurse was drop dead gorgeous, you were across the room and you could see just how fine he was. A well trained body and a head of thick messy wavy brown hair, he was like a dream come true. Suddenly you were hoping you weren’t next. Please not yet. Not with him.

The guy looks up and calls out your name. Fuck. You stand and take a deep breath, walking over to him, he smiles and says your name again, gesturing you to walk into the hall. “How’re you doing today?” he asks politely as he guides you down the hall.

“I-I’m fine. Good. Busy...y’know.”

He chuckles and leads you into an exam room. “Busy is good. Makes the day pass quicker.”

“Mmmhmm,” you hum as you take a seat on the exam table.

“I’m Shawn,” he sits down on a small rolling stool and it’s almost comical how huge he is compared to it. You can’t help but notices how the fabric of his scrubs pulls taut over his thighs. It shouldn’t be that sexy but it is. He holds a hand out to you and you take it weakly and shake it. “I’m Dr. Pearson’s nurse today. I’m just going to ask you a few questions before the doctor comes in.”

“Alright,” you say as your eyes wander around the room. It’s small as most exam rooms are. There are two big windows with the blinds down, a random piece of art on the wall and some kind of fancy hand soap on the back of the small wash sink. You look at anything to avoid staring at the actual god in front of you typing away on a laptop with his too big hands. Lord, was there nothing big about this guy? No. Nope. You were not going down that path right now.

“Okay so you’re allergic to cephalosporins, correct?”

You snap out of you thoughts and blink a few times before saying, “Yes. Yeah, I am.”

“Are you currently on any medications?”

“No.”

“And how tall are you?” Shawn looks over with a little smile as you answer and then back to his computer. He asks for your weight and you almost choke as you tell him because he chuckles as he types it in. He knows just how attractive he is and how it’s fucking with your head. “Alright and you’re here for a skin check today?”

“Y-yeah.” You shift nervously on the table and he glances over.

“Is there anything in particular you’d like the doctor to be made aware of?”

“I have a mole under my arm that seems bigger. I was worried about it so I made the appointment.”

Shawn hums and types in what you’ve said. “Do you have any sores, cuts or open wounds today?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Perfect. Alright let me get you a gown,” he says as he stands up and goes to a drawer and starts digging through the thin cloth tie on medical gowns. He turns around and you must look like you’re about to pass out or something because he reaches out and lays a hand on your shoulder, giving a concerned look. “Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

“I’m just really nervous,” you laugh, voice breaking because you’re about to cry. That was the worst thing about when you got really nervous or anxious. You cried. It was a shitty natural response and you hated it. “I’ll be fine.”

“Hey, it’s okay. What’s got you so nervous?” Shawn asks, laying the gown on the exam table beside you. “Are you afraid something’s wrong?”

You nod and clench your jaw to bite back the tears. “I’m nervous about being seen mostly naked and my aunt had skin cancer so I’m really worried it could happen to me. Also I’ve got all these stupid moles all over me. I’m like a walking time bomb for cancer or something.” You swallow hard and pinch one of the little flat moles on your forearm. “Ugly little spot just waiting to infect me.”

Shawn smooths his hand over the place you pinched, eyes trained on the dark little birthmark in the bend of your arm and you look up at him. “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he says softly and you pull your sleeve down a little to hide the birthmark. You hated that thing. It was so dark and ugly. “I can’t promise anything about your moles, obviously. I’m not a doctor, just a nurse. But I can promise the exam is quick and you’ll be back in your clothes in no time.” He puts his hand on your shoulder once more and gives a little encouraging squeeze, thumb rubbing back and forth over your collarbone. It’s so tender and intimate and you can’t help the blush that rises on your cheeks again. He pats the gown before saying the doctor would be in shortly to see you and leaving with a cheeky little smile.

The door clicks closed and you stand there processing that clearly flirtatious interaction before you start to undress. First your shirt, then your socks and shoes, your pants, you pause and you look at the gown and take a deep breath before you take off your bra, leaving your underwear on. The gown is pretty easy to tie closed and you take a seat on the table. The doctor comes in and the exam is quick like Shawn promised, your doctor moving quickly from mole to mole and moving your gown as needed. The doctor says none of your moles look like anything to worry about and that they are perfectly normal. She is worried about the dry patches on your elbows and knees though. You tell her they’ve been like that most of your life and you try to keep them lotioned but it doesn’t always seem to help. She asks you some more questions about the dry patches and says it looks like it may be mild eczema. She says she will prescribe something for you to try and in the meantime you could have some samples of creams to help with dryness.

Shortly after the doctor leaves and you start to dress yourself, the door handle clicks as if it’s opening and you spin around, standing there without a shirt on. “I’m not ready!” you squeak and the door stops.

“Sorry! Sorry I forgot to knock. I’ll wait!” Shawn says from the other side.

You pull your shirt on and fumble with your boots. “I’m covered now. You can come in.”

Shawn opens and door and his cheeks are rosy pink as he looks at you. “I’m so sorry. I know better than to just open doors.”

“It’s okay,” you chuckle softly and he holds out a little purple plastic bag with the business’s name on it.

“Dr. Pearson said these were for you to try. There is a few different lotion samples and I think a body wash sample,” Shawn says as you take the bag. “I hope everything turned out okay for you.”

“It did, thank you. I just have normal moles and dry knees,” you laugh and he laughs with you. He runs a hand through his hair and you have to look away because the simple gesture is far hotter than it has any right being. “Thank you. You were right about it being quick. Now I have a piece of mind until my next check up.”

Shawn smiles and you feel your heart melt. “I’ll look forward to seeing you again. We, we’ll look forward to seeing you again.” His cheeks turn that rosy color once more. You can’t help but bite your lip and look down at his little slip of the tongue. “I’ll show you out,” he says, hand on your lower back as he guides you out of the exam room and toward the exit door to the lobby.

“Thanks...again,” you giggle as he waves goodbye to you.

Once you’re in your car you open up the little purple bag and pour the samples out. There are three different creams for the dryness and the body wash Shawn mentioned. There are some little flyers for laser hair removal and other services offered by the dermatology office. Among the papers is a little blank appointment card with a phone number scrawled across the front over the doctor’s name and phone number. You look up at the office and back to the card. Your heart leaps into your throat.

You type the number into your phone and hit the message button to send a text.

Is this who I think it is?

Do you think it’s Shawn?

Because it is.

i think your birthmark is cute btw. U shouldnt hide it. Its heart shaped right?

You let out a scream in your car. You can’t believe he gave you his number. You’re sure it was probably against some rules somewhere or something but right now you didn’t care. The fact you got his number was unbelievable.

Yes kind of but its not cute its ugly

No its not

youre lucky im into you

dont you know you could have gotten in trouble doing this

But i didnt. Our little secret?

sure but only if you promise me dinner

Tonight? 7? meet me at Alfredos?

Deal

Thanks for reading~♥

[randomcoil]

Chapter Fifteen: 'Or this one?! It’s so pink and fluffy!'

”Kiddo, Logan and I were talking about taking you on some shopping today, since… you know… they’re going to take you a-away from u-us. And you’d n-need stuff t-there a-a-and…” Patton smiled warmly, but the more he talked the sadder he sounded, making Virgil feel guiltier with each word.

“Patton, honey, no one is taking Virgil away from us.”

“But Joan is!” Patton sobbed.

“That is not how this work, we have been talking about this already.” Logan sighed, taking Patton’s hand in his own. “Joan is right, we cannot keep Virgil here, just because we want to. Virgil’s parents are still his legal Guardians and there are laws that-“

“But they left him! They have no say in this!”

“But the government has, Patton. Joan said this is the only possibility they could provide us with without involving the police department or any social workers. We were able to help Virgil only because his parents haven’t reported him missing and you know it.”

“Yes, but-“

“Patton, do I have to remind you that it was Virgil’s choice as well?”

“No- But- You- It’s not fair!”

“That is how this world work, Patton.”

“But-“

“Look, Virgil is still going to be here, he is going to attend the school we BOTH work at, you will be able to see him almost EVERY single day, maybe even eat lunch with him if Virgil would be up to it… Virgil is not going to disappear only because he will stay at Talyn’s.”

“You have to visit us often-“

“Well-“

“-And stay with us over weekends, kiddo!” Patton finally looked over at Virgil who just sat there quietly listening to the word exchange between the two grown up’s, trying not to disturb anyone, nervously wringing his fingers out of the joints.  Virgil didn’t really want to be a part of this conversation, but he guessed it would only turn worse if he kept silent, so he cleared his throat before speaking.

“Uhm, Patt, I-I…” Virgil looked directly into Patton’s eyes, making the biggest mistake he could possibly make. Patton’s big and glassy ‘puppy-eyes’ were tearing apart the remains of what once was Virgil’s soul, imprinting their hopeful gaze in teens brain making him give in. Virgil swallowed hard, unable to look away from the man in front of him. “…Ye-yeah, sure.”

¨¨

“What about this one? This bag should be efficient enough to accommodate all of the school necessities… And this black color should appeal to you as well, it is quite practical as it fits the most accessories and clothes we already choose for you.”

“Logan, please, it’s not necessary, really. You’ve done enough for me already.”

“Virgil, don’t be ridiculous.”

“But I’m serious. I’ll buy it on my own when I’ll be able to. Please, Lo.”

“What about this one, kiddo?! It has kitties!”

“Pat, sto-“

“Or this one?! It’s so pink and fluffy!”

“Pat.”

“Or- or-“

“Patton, pleas-“

“This one has RAINBOW ON!” Patton squealed, gawking, his hands on his cheeks. Logan only sighed, putting the black bag into the shopping cart. Logan murmured something under his breath, reading off of some piece of paper he held in his right hand, reaching for a couple of grey notebooks with his left one at the same time without even looking away from the note for a second. Patton just jumped left and right looking over at all the cute stuff the local market had to offer while Logan helped Virgil looking for the school supplies. It wasn’t one of the easier tasks as Patton was almost unbearable with all this excess energy he somehow managed to accumulate in some mysterious way and Virgil tried to convince the teach to leave the shopping mall every other minute or so, finding new ways in which he could possibly speak some sense in the older’s head. It was already past noon and they were out for about two hours, being almost at the end of the shopping list as Logan assured. They had already picked up some school utensils such as pens, markers, highlighters, notebooks, folders and etc. as well as some hygiene products and clothes. While it was quite easy to just pick whichever toothbrush and shampoo, clothes were a whole other story. With Virgil constantly denying participating in anything involving buying things for him and Patton running from shelf to shelf and picking the most ridiculous outfits there could possibly be, Logan had to pretty much do it all himself. From what he’d learned about Virgil the young teen wasn’t a huge fan of many bright colors… or anything that was bright… or colors in general… so the most of the shirts and t-shirts ranged from light grey to black, with an exception for few v-necks in dark purple, dark red and dark blue, all in the smallest size there was in the men section. While Logan knew for a fact that Virgil was quite muscular, the teen was so malnourished there was almost no fat on his person, making him really skinny… But not just skinny as in working out skinny, but the unhealthy type of skinny... Virgil was underweighted without a doubt, which was probably a result of deprivation from food, water and sleep. Just by thinking about it Logan could almost feel Virgil’s ribs poking him every single time he hugged the kid. It wasn’t the first time Logan saw something like this, Virgil just reminded him so much of a stray kitten- pushed around, denied love or any kind of care, left behind to be forgotten. There were heavy signs of strain on the teen's body alongside with many… way too many bruises and scars. Logan saw them only once, but he still couldn’t forget this horrible sight.

Logan looked back at Virgil, noticing how the teen stood there staring at his feet and clenching the rims of the sleeves of the black hoodie Patton had found him just a couple of days ago. It seemed like Virgil was feeling rather comfortable in it as he spent most of the days clothed in said hoodie even if he was proposed another options. Virgil was visibly more relaxed whenever he was enveloped in the black jacket and who was Logan to deny someone as little comfort as this?

The pants where actually much more problematic as Virgil denied revealing the size of his trousers, but one look at how Logan’s old sweatpants were presenting on the teen he guessed it would lie somewhere in small-medium as well. After some persuading from Logan Virgil actually tried on some clothes, more anxious about Patton and Logan buying him stuff in wrong sizes unnecessarily than buying him anything at all, which could be expected from the anxious boy. The clothes Logan choose for the teens fitted him quite well, so with the recently acquired knowledge on Virgil’s size, Logan got him two pairs of plain black jeans (not as skinny as the usual skinny jeans, but skinnier than the regular kind of jeans), one grey pair and one regular baby-blue one, not counting the dozen of plain black boxers Logan choose for him and another dozen, but more colourful with many different cartoons on printed on them as Patton just decided Virgil should own. There were also some white and black socks- nothing out of the regular. As for the shoes Virgil assured it was fine with the sneakers he already owned but Logan insisted on getting him some real leather boots instead. With the most things already found Patton was left with picking the little smaller things such as hairbrush and pajamas and of course, a cat onesie. Just as the majestic tradition of building pillows forts of Prince Roman’s decree told- everyone at the Sanders family should own at least one onesie. Logan might say it wasn’t as important as everyone thought, but Patton knew better and choose the cutest one the store offered. After the ‘unnecessary’, as Virgil stated, shopping, the three of them made sure to grab some groceries on the way home as Patton planned on doing some sort of a ‘farewell’ meal for Virgil, completely ignoring the fact that it would not be the last time the two of them would meet.

Hours later when they got home Virgil would take every given chance of being near Patton, Logan or even Roman, feeling an eerie and unsettling ‘something’ growing inside his body, more specifically in the very pit of his stomach, making Virgil uneasy, jittery and weirdly emotional.

Whether it was helping with cooking the meal or washing the dishes or simply just by standing near any of them.

Every time Patton hugged the teen Virgil couldn’t help but try and lean in, needing to feel the love Patton so radiated with, smirking at the giggling puffball.

Every time Roman bickered and called him names, Virgil just had to bite back, but in a much softer and friendlier manner than what he was used to doing, throwing Roman off a couple of times.

Every time Logan commented on something or began to debate with Virgil, he found himself smiling and just listening to the warm baryton of the older man, sitting there and nodding, answering if needed or expected.

Virgil really liked it, the feeling of constancy and just pure easiness, but no matter what you wouldn’t catch him dead admitting to any of it. Everything felt so right and good, but so, so wrong at the same time. At the Sanders Virgil felt at home, like it was somewhere he belonged, somewhere Virgil fitted in with being himself without needing to lie or fear for his life. It was something Virgil haven’t felt in years, starved for this warm and pure but feared and truly despised feelings. It was just so irrational and wrong, considering the only family he ever had was now long dead or wished him dead, love being nothing more than a way of making him open up and be vulnerable once again. Virgil couldn’t let open his heart yet again, just to let them tear it from him, stomp and jump all over crushing it mercilessly against the cold and disgusting floor, making Virgil have to kneel down and collect all of the shattered pieces of something that he once trusted them with.

Virgil wanted nothing but to forget about everything.

Forget about the endless competition and endless hours of studying.

Forget about the violin and school.

Forget about his parents.

Forget about all this time he was forced to fend for himself, alone in this cruel world.

Forget about Granny.

Forget about his work.

Forget about the abuse.

Forget about Shon.

But the most Virgil wanted to forget was how to breathe. How to function. How to live.

Virgil just wanted to forget he even existed.

To forget the feeling of being alone, useless, unwanted, disgustING, WORTHLESS, DESPICABLE, WRETCHED, MISERABLE, TO FORGET HOW AWFUL HE FELT WITH HIMSELF EVERY MORNING HE WOKE UP AND WAS STILL ALIVE.

Virgil wanted to forget everything.

Not because it was painful.

No.

The pain was actually something that reminded him that he was still alive and failed miserably.

Virgil wanted to forget because he was just tired of everything.

Virgil just wanted to go to sleep… and… never wake up again.

He was so tired.

So. So. Tired.

But…

The more time Virgil spent with the Sanders, the more…

The more he realized he really missed that.

He missed being cared for. Missed how it feels to being loved by someone. Missed what it meant to have a family.

He missed every single thing.

The waking up every morning by 7 o’clock with a kiss on his forehead, announcing him he managed to live yet another day and to welcome him to a breakfast. To sit at the table and just chit-chat about what things he planned on doing or not doing, eating the delicious meal one of them would prepare. Missed sitting around and goofing, playing games and watching movies jauntily. To help with the cleaning or the homework or any other thing or task. To be able to hug someone whenever he felt like he needed reassurance. Missed being able to feel something but the constant fear of being punished or used. How…

Virgil missed all of that, but…

He was scared.

So, so scared.

Scared of opening up to someone yet again.

Virgil feared being rejected or left behind once again.

One day Virgil had everything…

And now he had nothing.

Virgil feared if he only as much as left a creak in the doorway to his soul and heart, someone would just barge, bust in and mess him up.

Virgil wished he was already dead.

Oh, what he wouldn’t give to go back in time and just stay and let the man eventually, finally finish him off…

Or to maybe to go in a different direction the moment he left Shon…

Or to just take his own life by jumping off of that bridge he crossed while heading to where Patton had found him…

Or to let himself drown in that lake he crossed and fell into, struggling to remain on the surface and get back on the constantly crushing and cracking under his weight, thin, thin ice…

Or to just let that burglar from five years ago to shot him.

Virgil wished he was dead. He really did, but…

The more time he spent with the Sanders, the more uncertain he grew on what was that he actually wanted from everything, from everyone, from life, from himself.

Did he really want to die?

Did he want to have his family back?

Or…

Did he want the Sanders to be his new family?

Virgil couldn’t tell, but…

The more hugs and kisses he got, the more snare comments and silly nicknames, the more ever so interesting and captivating conversations he held…

The more Virgil didn’t actually care about what was that he actually wanted anymore.

Virgil wouldn’t give a fuck.

Or he wished he didn’t.

But one thing he was sure of.

Virgil was happy to be able to come back and stay on the weekends with his family.

Family.

Yeah.

That sound about right.

Chapter fifteen of my story “The Death of a Violin” I’m writing on ao3, feel free to come by and check the full story out! 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950288?view_full_work=true

[the-netchiman]

Stolen from gf @lionel-del-rey

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

smol cousin at some family function a while back.

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Neither? 

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My gf

4. Are you easy to get along with? Fuck no lmao

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I have no doubt that they would try

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Funny, kind, down to earth people are cool

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I’m about to purchase a plane ticket for my gf so I severely hope we’re together by then lmao

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ur mum

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Only if it makes the person I’m talking to uncomfortable

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My dad. I guess???

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “what the fuck do you want for chrimbus, you little bitch?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Oh no I don’t know gonna pull these out my ass real quick Black Irish by The Devil Makes Three Almost Blue by Chet Baker Desperado by The Eagles Stillborn (acoustic) by Black Label Society 512 by Lamb of God

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? idk? 

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes

15. What good thing happened this summer? I got to visit a friend in Texas. Other than that, my summer went by in a big shitty blur.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Not for all the money in the world

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Ye

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nop

19. Do you like bubble baths? Ye

20. Do you like your neighbors? I don’t dislike them. I don’t speak spanish, so we haven’t talked much.

21. What are you bad habits? I stress myself out over little things too often

22. Where would you like to travel? Ireland would be cool, but I definitely could never go there. Outside of that, idk, anywhere is cool

23. Do you have trust issues? oh yes

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Eating

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My chest or my neck

26. What do you do when you wake up? Check my phone

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I think its a fine how it is

28. Who are you most comfortable around? My friend Ari I guess

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yes

30. Do you ever want to get married? wow what an awkward question to have on something my gf is for sure going to see (yes)

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? ye

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Oh, idk

33. Spell your name with your chin. dickhead

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Not any more, but I used to play Football (American) and boxing 

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Nah. Well yeah, but they figured it out eventually lmao

37. What do you say during awkward silences? “wow this got awkward”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Mark Ruffalo

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Nerd stores (y’know, where nerds gather to play cards and dnd and stuff, occasionally comics are also there) and music stores. I’d spend all day in guitar center if no one stopped me.

40. What do you want to do after high school? Already out, and lemme tell you I’m already not doing what I wanted to do

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Most people. A few people definitely deserve nothing less than a life time of suffering.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Nothing, or something. I’m quiet most of the time.

43. Do you smile at strangers? I think I do but I have the resting bitch face big time so I mostly just look slightly less mad at people in public

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? The ocean would be fantastic

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Mr Socks won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP

46. What are you paranoid about? oh, y’know, most things

47. Have you ever been high? Oh yes

48. Have you ever been drunk? frequently 

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yes, but not because i’m embarrassed, just don’t want to upset anyone

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Nah. Careful what you wish for, right? Don’t want to say that and then wake up to find I’m somehow an even bigger piece of shit.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? Wish I were in better shape, but I’m working on that so

53. Favourite makeup brand? Don’t wear it, so my favorite is whatever my gf asks for lmao

54. Favourite store? Guitar Center. lemme obnoxiously test pedals all day

55. Favourite blog? dunno

56. Favourite colour? Red. a certain shade of blue is pretty good too.

57. Favourite food? Anything featuring potatoes 

58. Last thing you ate? a fuckin 1/4 cup of cheese. my diet has been weird recently.

59. First thing you ate this morning? Nothing yet, but I have designs on some tacos

60. Ever won a competition? For what? ye, a few. i hate bragging so im not going to go into detail, but i used to actually be good at things.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Yep. suspended two or three times for getting into fights, one time for accidentally bringing a knife to school. weirdly, the girl that decided to pull the thing out of my pocket got in no trouble at all.

62. Been arrested? For what? No, but boi have i come close

63. Ever been in love? i am, at this moment, very in love

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? Not really much a story? It was an awkward childhood kiss.

65. Are you hungry right now? Yes, very. waiting on me uncle tho

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? don’t really have tumblr friends

67. Facebook or Twitter? Fb

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr for art, twitter for memes

69. Are you watching tv right now? nah

70. Names of your bestfriends? Ari, zach, mr socks

71. Craving something? What? Oh y’know things

72. What colour are your towels? Got turquoise, black, blue, purple, white. 

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Nah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Got a few plush pokemon, i guess that counts?

75. Favourite animal? Really like bears

76. What colour is your underwear? N/A

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? oh, uh, cookie dough? oreo? orange sherbet? can’t decide.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? N/A

80. What colour pants? look if the last two clothing questions didn’t tip you off, i’m naked. are you happy now?

81. Favourite tv show? oh, idk. haven’t really had the interest in shows since i got super depressed like a year ago lmao

82. Favourite movie? i guess kung pow?

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER PICK 2? 

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? that chick that made out with a hot dog that one time. big mood.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? The stoner turtle

87. First person you talked to today? My gf

88. Last person you talked to today? My uncle

89. Name a person you hate? just one? nah.

90. Name a person you love? my gf (duh) all these friends i met on the internet, and some of my family i guess

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? so, so many people. 

92. In a fight with someone? like, currently? how would i be doing this?

93. How many sweatpants do you have? don’t wear sweats

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? a couple

95. Last movie you watched? uhhhhhhhhh something shitty on netflix, probs

96. Favourite actress? oof uh, idk. 

97. Favourite actor? also dunno

98. Do you tan a lot? got them irish genes, i burn

99. Have any pets? Mr. Socks, the best cat in the world and i will fight anyone who disagrees. 

100. How are you feeling? Cold

101. Do you type fast? Nope

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Not really. If they didn’t happen, i wouldn’t be where i am now

103. Can you spell well? dubya eee ell ell. fuck you.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? kinda? define past.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? ye

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? i would hope not, but maybe

107. Have you ever been on a horse? ye

108. What should you be doing? going to the store

109. Is something irritating you right now? always

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? YES

111. Do you have trust issues? Yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? an ex, probably

113. What was your childhood nickname? didn’t really have a nickname

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yep

115. Do you play the Wii? I have a wiiu, but i don’t really play it much. its mostly the netflix machine now

116. Are you listening to music right now? Autumn Leaves by Chet Baker

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Fucking yes

118. do you like chinese food> YE BOI

119. Favourite book? don’t know

120. Are you afraid of the dark? Nah

121. Are you mean? I think so. others say different. its weird, man

122. Is cheating ever okay? in a relationship? no. in a video game to give your character a giant bobble head? absolutely.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? the trick is to not wear white shoes

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? No lmao

125. Do you believe in true love? as opposed to fake love? i guess???

126. Are you currently bored? ye

127. What makes you happy? knowing that others are happy

128. Would you change your name? nah

129. What your zodiac sign? taurus

130. Do you like subway? not compared to my other sub options

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i don’t know. she’s married, so like...what the fuck how 

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my dad, i guess

133. Favourite lyrics right now? I've held the hand of God and I've sang the Devil's song And when it comes my time no tears are gonna fall But some will light the fire and some will mourn the one Left longing for the ire of, of their departed son.

134. Can you count to one million? ain’t got that kinda time, fam

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I don’t really lie? I think i just say dumb shit and people take me seriously 

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed

137. How tall are you? 5′5. I’m a manlet.

138. Curly or Straight hair? no preference

139. Brunette or Blonde? brunette

140. Summer or Winter? Winter

141. Night or Day? Night

142. Favourite month? idk, december i guess because i have a mandatory week off work,

143. Are you a vegetarian? I wish, I don’t have the willpower.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee? tea. coffee is more of a tool for me? gotta wake up, tea is just good.

146. Was today a good day? dunno yet

147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? don’t really remember quotes

149. Do you believe in ghosts? Kinda

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“As I approached the northern cliffs where I’d find the Serpent’s Sanctum, I could see the soaring towers of Skyreach off to my right.”

[maybeishouldwritefanfiction-blog]

Surprise...?

Hello, friends. This is my first fic! So obviously, I’m pretty new to this. I want to keep going, though! Since it’s my first, of course it had to be about my baby, Crowley. Please let me know what you think!

Pairing : Crowley x Reader

Warnings : Drinking, human Crowley kind of I guess?, mentions of sex and other dirty things.

Creeping up the stairs, a now familiar sound greets your ears. Coming from the end of the hallway, the sound of the movie playing is hushed, but you’ve heard it so much by now that you know exactly what’s happening.

“I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you every day for a year. It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over.”

Since you know the next scene is fairly quiet, you have to sneak down the hallway, the only light available being the glowing coming from under the door at the other end. As you get closer to your bedroom, you can hear a slight sniffling. You try to hold your giggles in as you reach the door and slowly push it open, knowing that he’s too absorbed in the film to notice you if you’re quiet.

All but sneaking into your own bedroom, you gently close the door behind you before removing your shoes and crawling into bed behind him. He finally registers your presence as he feels your movement and then the warmth of your body pressed against him, and he turns his head to glance over his shoulder at you, wiping the tears from his eyes, as if you didn’t know he’d been crying.

“Oh, hello, darling” he mumbles, and you finally can no longer contain your giggling.

“Oh, yes, so comical, kitten. She broke his bloody heart!” You can see the tears welling up in his eyes again and you wipe them away for him this time, running your thumb over his cheeks.

“I don’t mean to, my King. You’re just so...” “So what, darling?” He’s obviously trying to go for his normally sarcastic demeanor, but the look in his eyes tells you that he’s eagerly waiting for you to finish your sentence.

“So… Missing out on what I’ve brought you by talking right now”, you sigh with a smile playing at your lips. Tearing your eyes away from him takes some effort, but you manage to after only a few moments of staring into his eyes. You prop yourself up on your elbow and reach beside the bed, where you’ve placed the bag you were carrying. You feel the bed shift behind you and turn back around to see Crowley now sitting up, facing you, legs crossed, anticipation in his eyes.

You take a moment to enjoy the scene in front of you. The King of Hell himself, in fuzzy black pajama bottoms and an old, gray sweater, the whole look completed by the fuzzy red and white striped socks. You can’t help but smile at such an… adorable sight.

You’re snapped out of your thoughts by the sound of Crowley nervously clearing his throat, shifting uncomfortably as he waits for you to show him what’s in the bag. Smiling gently, you shift so you’re sitting across from him in the same position, and you place the bag in front of him.

“Go on, you can open it”, you grin and push the bag slightly closer to him. “Oh, no, Y/N, I insist. You open it.” You can’t find it in you to make him wait any longer, so you reach out and unzip the bag. As you pull it open slightly, you watch his face, and you can see the flash of relief in his eyes. You pull half of the contents from the bag: a bottle of wine, a bag of marshmallows, and, finally, a bag of human blood you’d picked up from one of his demons. At least there were a few loyalists left, and one was willing to do the dirty work. You watch as he eagerly grabs the bag and a nearby syringe, leaning his head back and closing his eyes as he feels the blood enter his veins. You smile and nibble your bottom lip lightly, the knowledge of what’s to come filling you with butterflies. As you reach out to zip the bag and place it on the floor, Crowley grabs your arm gently, and you raise your head to meet his now-even-softer-eyes.

“Y/N, don’t think you can slip things past me so easy,” he says on a breath. “What else is in that bag of yours, darling?”

You can feel a blush creeping across your cheeks, a heat in your belly as you recall the very awkward trip you had made a few hours ago.

“Oh, nothing, my King. You know, just…” You take his anticipation of the answer and momentary lapse in guard as your opportunity to hurriedly grab the bag and turn, throwing it to the side of bed. A smug grin is plastered to your face as you turn back around to face him.

“It’s a surprise.”

Crowley raises an eyebrow at you, unsure of what this “surprise” could be, curiosity dancing in his eyes as he glanced between you and the bag a few time.

“My little kitten is keeping secrets now, is she? Well, we can’t have that.” With a snap of his fingers, all the contents you had been trying to hide until later are splayed between the two of you on the bed. You feel the blush on your cheeks deepen, the heat moving through all of your body, and you hide your face in your hands, embarrassed. You can hear him chuckle as he picks up each item individually.

“Well, well. What have we here? Oh, kitten. What an adventurous day you must have had, coming home with something like this.”

You separate your fingers to see exactly what he’s currently holding. You groan a little when you see it. In his hand is a bottle of flavored lube, caramel flavored to be exact. Your eyes drop to the rest of the items resting between the two of you: a paddle with the word “kitten” embedded into the leather with tiny silver studs, a gag, the mouth piece of which is heart shaped, and a very cliché set of pink fuzzy handcuffs. This is not how you imagined presenting these ideas to him. Crowley chuckles to himself. You know he can sense how embarrassed and nervous you now are, and you wish you could remove the items from the bed. Seemingly reading your thoughts, or maybe he is, who knows, he snaps his fingers again and the items are back in the bag, returned to the side of the bed. You keep your hands over your face, knowing the flush in your cheeks will last awhile. You feel the bed shift, then the heat of his body pressed against your back as he pulls you between his legs, his chest pressed tightly against your back, his arms around you, his chin on your shoulder. You shiver slightly as you feel his breath fanning over your neck.

“Now, darling, no need to be shy.” You can hear the amusement in his voice. “I only wish you’d let me go through the efforts of getting these for you. You know I live to please my Queen.” You feel his hands slide over yours and remove them from your face, his fingers interlocking with yours and bringing your hands to the sides, resting right beside his legs. You find yourself closing your eyes and leaning your head back, resting your head against his shoulder.

“Besides,” he continues, “you know I’d never deny my kitten anything she wanted. Not when she’s been so good to me. Not when she’s...” his voice trailed off, his lips instead focusing on leaving feather-light kisses along your neck and shoulder. He releases your hands so that he can move your hair out of the path his lips are following, pushing the top of your own sweater aside with the same hand. His other hand finds its way up your shirt, running aimlessly along your side. You take the opportunity to run your hands up over his thighs, moving your fingers slowly through the soft fabric, then moving them behind you to wrap around him.

A slight chuckle comes from him. Realizing how impractical this position is, he moves his hands to your hips, guiding you in turning around. You adjust as gracefully as you can, your legs now draped over his and the two of you almost chest-to-chest. You absentmindedly reach up and run your fingers through his hair, letting your hand come to a stop on his cheek. You find yourself smiling and staring at his lips. As he leans forward, you bite your lip nervously. To your surprise, rather than press his lips to yours, he reaches behind you, bringing back with him the bottle of wine you had completely forgotten about by now. He does, however, press a chaste kiss to your cheek before straightening out, snapping his fingers, and producing two wine glasses.

“I must say, kitten, you always know how to enhance my night.” The softness in his eyes draws a content sigh from your lips before you press the wine glass to them.

“Cheers, darling. To us. To this night. And all the nights to come with my Queen.”

***

Four hours, two movies, an entire bag of blood, and a bottle of wine each later, you find yourself crying along with Crowley as the credits for Edward Scissorhands roll down the screen. You push off the bed and move to the bathroom to change into your pajamas finally. Even though it’s fairly cold in your room, you opt to put on his favorite; fuzzy black shorts that match the pants he’s currently wearing and a thin, tight-fitting gray shirt he had gifted you when he had accidentally spilled wine on a white one you had owned before. As you leave the bathroom, you hurriedly scurry back into bed, shuffling under the sheets and settling into the curve of Crowley’s body. You gaze into his eyes, which are still red and puffy, but also soft as he stares back into yours. You feel his hand running up your body, starting from your thighs and moving up to your hips, his fingers dancing through the material of your shorts, a grin creeping across his face as he realizes what you’re wearing. This time, when he leans in, he does press a soft kiss against your lips. As many times as you’ve felt this man against your lips, it never fails to leave you melting. Even with the kiss clouding your mind, you register his fingertips gliding slowly to the back of your legs, pulling on them slightly, pulling you up and onto his lap. You giggle to yourself as you adjust, your legs now on either side of him. You can’t help but to smile as you look down at him. Crowley, the King of Hell, the love of your life, laying beneath you and looking up at you with so much adoration and gentleness. You can feel the spark in your stomach, a heat that spreads through your body. You lean down and brush your lips against his before peppering soft kisses across his jaw and down to his neck. You playfully trace a small heart with your tongue right beneath his ear, and you can hear him groan. You blow softly over the now damp skin, sending shivers through him, as evident by the tightening of his grip on your hips.

“My Queen. What do you say we give those mysterious toys of yours a try?” The flames inside your chest come to life as you whimper in response. Crowley takes this as a definite yes, releasing your hips long enough to snap and leave both of you naked. You shiver at the sudden lose of what little warmth they were providing. Without warning, he lifts you and moves you further up the bed, so that he is now between your thighs, your legs straddling his shoulders. He’s looking up at you with such lust that you find your hands tangling in his hair, your teeth digging into your lip again. Licking his lips, he kisses up your thighs, his hands on the small of your back, inching you forward.

“Don’t worry, darling. I’m sure I have just the trick to keep my kitten warm.”

[rollinbrigittenv8]

What’s Inside A Full-Time Traveler’s Suitcase

Wandering Earl

It turns out that a full-time traveler doesn’t really need much stuff.

One pair of ripped socks. Boxer shorts with a tear in the back (oh my, these are old). A yellow t-shirt with all kinds of Vietnamese soup stains on the front. Two small tin boxes I bought for no reason at an antique shop in India earlier this year. And a blue belt that I hadn’t seen in about 14 months.

That’s a quick glimpse of some of the stuff I just found when I gutted my suitcase this morning in preparation for this post.

In fact, I think it’s the first time I’ve taken absolutely everything out in about two years.

Did I say suitcase? Yes I did.

After spending my first 16 years or so as a full-time traveler using my trusty Kelty Redwing 44 liter backpack, I’ve now spent a good portion of the past 2 years traveling around with my Eagle Creek Load Warrior 42 liter rolling suitcase.

Have I gone mad? Perhaps.

All I know is that this little sturdy suitcase, which is indeed smaller than my Kelty backpack, helps me keep things more organized, it’s super easy to pull along wherever I go and it’s still compact enough to take as a carry-on. And as I get older, that all seems slightly more appealing than carrying my stuff on my back.

I still love my backpack but for the travel I do now, a 42-liter rolling suitcase suits my needs.

What I Pack as a Full-Time Traveler

After 18 years of travel, one might think that my possessions have gone through a series of transformations based on my travel style or needs. Well, apart from some more advanced technology that I carry today, things really aren’t too different now than from 1999 or 2003 and so on.

I’m not sure if I should be happy, embarrassed or sad about that.

Anyway, here is the complete list…

The Main Bag

3 pairs of shorts (one gray, one blue, one orange as I spend significant amounts of time in hot weather)

1 swimsuit (if there’s a beach nearby, I’m going…I actually had 2 swimsuits but some coconut oil leaked through my daypack last month and caused the red material of the bag to stain the swimsuit, so that one had to go)

2 pairs of jeans (1 blue, 1 black…I’ve tried wearing actual pants but always prefer my jeans in the end)

9 t-shirts (might sound like more than I need, but this full-time traveler spills a lot of soup on his t-shirts so I always need backups)

1 button down short sleeve shirt (I love this shirt but only really wear it when I need to look a tad more dressed up, which isn’t too often actually)

1 button down long sleeve shirt (I’ve been carrying this one around for the past 1.5 years and haven’t worn it once)

1 sweater (a recent purchase from when I was in Sweden last month and it was quite cold outside…haven’t used it since)

1 navy zipper hoodie (I wear this ALL the time…in fact, I probably should wash it soon)

Travel towel (I don’t know…about twice per year I find myself dripping with water and without a proper towel around…that’s when this thin travel towel comes to the rescue)

7 pairs of socks (you can’t wear flip-flops in European cities during the summer, you’ve got to put on some socks and shoes!)

8 underwear (yup, I do wear underwear and only one has a hole in it, I think)

1 pair of sandals (after spending many years only wearing Crocs Modi Flips or Hurley Phantom Free flip-flops, I recently purchased a pair of Sole sandals…oops, big mistake and when I get back to the US in a couple of weeks, I’ll be going back to one of my favorites)

1 pair of New Balance shoes (I’m a New Balance person – they’re comfortable, durable and they have an “N” for “nomad” on the side)

Sarong (the one thing I know I’ve carried with me from day 1 as a full-time traveler…it plays so many roles – sheet, beach blanket, bag, sweat rag, clothing, etc)

Amazon basics laundry bag (super sturdy, rolls up into nothing and well, pretty much does what you’d expect)

Shoe brush (with only 1 pair of shoes, they can get dirty, so from time to time I give them a scrub down…unfortunately, it doesn’t help remove the car oil stains that I somehow got on my shoes)

Bar of soap (some guesthouses/hotels/hostels/apartments don’t provide soap and I’ve realized this way too many times after getting under the water in the shower…so, I carry my own just in case)

Ohuhu toiletry bag (the best one I’ve found by far…fits everything, remains compact and is super easy to clean…why I need to carry around 3 things of deodorant is a different story)

Philips electric toothbrush (last year I made the switch to an electric toothbrush and naturally, it was a great decision… here’s a tip for travelers though…I went with Philips because it can be charged anywhere overseas…the ones from Braun require a voltage converter)

Contact lenses and contact lens solution (kind of a necessity)

Bag of money (not as exciting as that sounds…just a pile of currency from countries I think I might visit again soon…or just a pile of money that is getting dirtier and smellier as time goes on)

Small medicine pack (ibuprofen, Claritin, paracetamol…actually, I can’t find this thing right now so I might have lost it)

2 tiny tin boxes (no idea what I’m going to do with these things, probably just carry them around for a few years)

The Small Bag

In terms of a small bag, a couple of years ago I made the switch to a Timbuk2 messenger bag. For me, it’s more comfortable and holds everything I need in a more organized manner. And it’s red, which apparently nobody wants, because it was on sale for about 50% off the regular price.

Here’s what’s inside:

MacBook Pro laptop (can’t travel/work without it, and after 5 years, it’s still going strong)

Kindle (lately I haven’t been reading as much as I wish but do you have any book recommendations?)

Samsung Galaxy S7 (it’s my phone and my camera these days)

Credit card holders (I don’t use a wallet…I stuff money and the cards I need each day into my pocket…what I don’t need, I keep in these two things…no idea why I don’t use a different system…any good travel wallet recommendations?)

Pouch for SIM cards (when I saw this felt pouch in a tiny store in Karakol, Kyrgyzstan a few years ago, I thought to myself, “That would be a perfect SIM card holder”…well, not quite like that but I liked the pouch and that’s what it has become)

Symphonized NRG 3.0 earbuds (My Symphonized earbuds are one of my best ever gear purchases…for $25, the sound quality is simply awesome and as a bonus, I actually just used them last night as ear plugs due to the barking dogs and naying horses outside the window – don’t ask)

Business cards (Ah yes…I’ve been carrying around a couple of hundred business cards since 2012 and have probably handed out a grand total of 9)

ButterFox electronic gear case (it all fits inside – chargers, wireless mouse, small HDMI cable, plug adapters, laptop screen cleaner and these colorful little rubber twisty tie things that I thought would be useful but which I’ve never used)

And finally, I also carry around…

Passport (completely worn out, partly torn and with three extra sets of pages inside, two of which are sewn in and one which is taped in…talk about suspicious)

Yellow Fever certificate (only needed to use this once but good to have)

Sunglasses (for the first 35 years of my life, I never wore sunglasses but the last 5 years, I’ve worn them almost every day)

Pen (high-quality little pen I bought at a random pen shop in Singapore about 4 years ago)

USB stick (no idea what’s on this thing)

That’s everything!

Total weight:

Suitcase – 11 kg / 24 lbs Daypack – 5 kg / 13 lbs

And while all of the above might sound like a significant amount of stuff, here’s what it all looks like when nicely packed up:

Final Notes on Packing Carry on or checked luggage?

My current setup, whether with the backpack or suitcase, can always be taken as a carry-on. I usually take it as a carry-on if I am flying direct. If I have a layover somewhere, I check my backpack or suitcase simply because I don’t like to lug it around the airport. But I’ve never had any issues with size or weight when taking it as a carry-on, including on many budget airlines in Europe, Asia and Africa.

The good and the bad of packing light

Pros: My life fits into one small bag. It’s pretty simple, everything I need as a full-time traveler is right there and I can pack up and go in minutes if I’m being chased by local authorities …um, or I just suddenly decide to head to a new destination. There is also a sense of freedom involved with having such few possessions and having that ability to move around the globe so easily without having to think of what to do with excess stuff.

Cons: On the other hand, sometimes I wouldn’t mind some extra stuff. Another shirt or another pair of shoes, for example. I don’t need them but when you’re on the road for this long, some added variety wouldn’t hurt. Also, whenever I see something that I’d like to purchase, something that would look great in my home, I have to remind myself that I’m a full-time traveler that lives out of my suitcase and that there is no room in there for cool Moroccan lamps or a hand-woven Pakistani carpet.

Packing cubes

A friend and I have been going back and forth recently about the benefits of packing cubes. He sees a ton of benefits. I see zero benefits. I know they’re a popular thing but when a bag is all packed up with packing cubes, to me it just looks like my suitcase when it is all packed up, except that there are these cubes that now need to be opened in order for me to reach my stuff. Why have that extra step?

Is the above really all I own?

Pretty much, yes. I do have one box in a closet at my mom’s place that is filled with some extra clothes and a few gifts I’ve purchased for myself while traveling but I haven’t looked at it in a long time. It’s probably full of bugs. Apart from that, all of my possessions are literally in my suitcase and messenger bag.

So, the question is, could you live out of a suitcase? How do you pack, or think you’d pack, for your travels?