#i wishy mom had left him

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

I've had a rocky relationship with my dad for years, but it wasn't until today that I realized I would have preferred growing up without him. I wish I had never known him. I wish I had been raised by a single mom or a stepdad. He is cruel, bigoted, abusive, misanthropic, agoraphobic, neglectful, wrathful, nihilistic, paranoid... It sounds childish to say it, but he's just plain mean! He is a mean man. He is mean to me, to my siblings, to my mom, to our pets, to every stranger he sees on the street. I realized in 2020 that I wouldn't be sad if he died, but it wasn't until today that I realized I wish he would.

I could vent for thousands of words, list every grievance, air 25 years of dirty laundry, but all it would do it put me in a worse mood than I already am. There's ao much personal baggage I'd need to unpack, and it's best not to oversharey trauma. Suffice it to say that there is no room for improvement. I've tried. He hasn't. He never will, and that's not pessimistic hyperbole, I mean it; he will never change for the better. His mental state has been on a steady decline since 2009, 2010ish, and it's gotten exponentially worse since 2020. There's no going back.

I no longer remember what he was like before. All of my positive memories of him are gone, repressed, as if they never happened. I know they existed, I know it wasn't all bad, I know it used to be better, but I can't remember how. I'm 25, and he has been like this for a majority of my life now. I can't wait until I don't have to think about him anymore. I want to forget everything, and then in 30 years I'll look back at how I think about him now and I'll say "well, surely it wasn't that bad! I must have been in a bad place and exaggerated it. I sure do miss my dear old dad." I would rather know nothing and assume the best than know everything that's the worst.

[transsexualprions]

Disabled and stuck in an abusive hell in the backwoods of wv, with no water or heat. About to be thrown out into freezing temperatures.

I’ve put this off, but I can’t anymore. I need your help.

I’m currently stuck in very rural wv on top of a mountain, with snow and ice storms now constant. I’m in a small trailer with my dog and cat on my stepdad’s property, and he is an evil, abusive, homophobic/transphobic drunk. After systematically abusing and dehumanizing me for months, even when I had a broken ankle, he’s now about to lock me out and leave me for dead in the middle of winter when I can barely walk.

For context: I never thought I’d end up back here with the man who made my childhood a living hell of fear and abuse, but unfortunately I lost my apartment and had nowhere else to go. I’m disabled and I was illegally evicted, but that’s another story…

Over the past few months he’s turned off the water, turned the electricity off when I displease him, stopped allowing my mom to bring me food or even see me, made countless threats, and has been drunkenly threatening me and calling me slurs (I am a trans/gay man), as well as making me perform demeaning work for him. It only gets worse as he finds new ways of torturing me, and my mother is the only thing that’s stopped him from kicking me out. But that’s no longer stopping him as he abuses her cruelly every day and she’s being worn down.

I have no wifi. I have no phone of my own. No contact with anyone who can help me (my boyfriend lives several states away and can only do so much). My family has abandoned me. I haven’t bathed in months and food is dwindling. My mom sneaks me her phone (what I’m using currently) so I don’t go insane, but it usually has one—maybe two bars and I can’t usually make calls with it. We’re also 40 miles from the nearest town which is just a Walmart and a shitty strip mall of nothing. On top of that I broke my ankle a little while ago and I still can barely walk. My doctor urged me to get physical therapy but I’m not allowed to go, as my stepdad doesn’t believe I even broke it in the first place.

The last straw was last night. He dragged me outside while I was in nothing but a t shirt and shorts, and forced me to shovel snow and ice around the property well into the night. He screamed at me the entire time in a drunken rage, laughing and calling me a fatass dyke, saying he hoped I’d break a leg too or my neck so he could leave me at the hospital, while forcing me to trudge through icy snow on my damaged ankle. And he will surely do it again as he takes great pleasure in my suffering.

At this point, my only hope is that my older brother will pick me up and take me back to Michigan, but his family is wishy washy as hell and have been making excuses right and left as to why they can’t actually come get me. Right now it’s because they “just don’t see how they can afford it during the holidays”. Either that or I need to somehow move to Minnesota with my bf. This is my only hope, and I am in desperate, desperate need of money to make it happen.

I’m freezing. I’m in pain, and suffering. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me or my pets and it’s terrifying. I just have to get out of here or I’m not going to make it. Please, if you have any money or kind words to spare, or even if you can only reblog this, it would mean literally everything to me.

Please don’t tag this as d*n*tion post. And, if you need further information, feel free to contact me.

P.4ypal can be found here.

[btsgotjams27]

the nanny diaries ~ myg

ara's dad tries to come back into the picture and yoongi isn't having it.

✨ title: the nanny diaries (drabble series) | the way you are ✨ pairing: yoongi x single mom!reader ✨ word count: 1.5k |✨ genre: light angst, fluff / housemates!au |✨ rating: pg ✨ warnings: ara’s dad comes back into the picture for a split second, yoongi has unrequited feelings(?), protective Yoongi, reader is oblivious to Yoongi’s feelings, a small kiss on the cheek, minor language ✨ a/n: i missed nanny/housemate yoongi, so here he is <3 also, i'm sorry if the tenses change from the previous one to this one?? i'm trying something new and i'm seeing what i like better.

[ DRABBLES MASTERLIST ] | prev ~ the i-had-no-choice nanny

Yoongi watches you puff out your cheeks, almost as if you're holding your breath. You swish it from one side to the other, staring at the phone in your hand. He sips his coffee, wondering what you had in such a fuss. Your contemplation hasn't gone unnoticed these days. You’re being fairly quiet, hardly conversing with him, like you're trying to avoid him.

“What’s going on?” he asks, watching you cower before him.

You shake your head. “Nothing.”

He raises an eyebrow, hardly believing you. “Something has your panties all in a twist. A new guy or something?”

The biggest sigh leaves your lips. “Nope, I wish. You remember Jake? Ara’s dad?”

Yoongi pretends to gag. “How could I forget? He’s the biggest lowlife I know, and how do you date someone named Jake and then go and have a baby with him?”

You roll your eyes, annoyed with him. “You said you’d be nice.”

“Did I though?” Yoongi teases. “What does he want now?”

“He wants to be more involved in Ara’s life.”

Yoongi tuts. “You’re kidding me, right? Now he wants to be more involved? I’m more involved than he is.”

“I’m truly grateful for that, but Jake’s her dad, and I can’t deny him wanting to be more involved.”

“Actually, you can. When he chose to leave you and Ara, he gave up that right. What kind of dickhead leaves his girlfriend and kid?”

“Yoongi–”

“What? I’m just saying that you deserve better. You and Ara deserve better than Jake.” He watches you contemplate your next move, your thumbs lightly tapping on your phone, and guilt overtakes his recent comments against the guy that left you. He stands, making his way beside you on the couch. He sighs. “It’s yours and Ara’s life, and I can’t tell you what to do. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

You turn to him, your lips thin into a closed smile, before leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. “You’re really sweet for caring so much about us. Whoever ends up with you will be so lucky.”

Yoongi pulls away from you, clearing his throat. “Why are you getting all gooey and shi–”

Ara’s cry interrupts your conversation. The two of you look at each other in sync, saying, “I’ll go get her.”

“Yoongi, you’ve done so much lately. Let me get her.” He nods and lets you do your thing.

The fact that you’re allowing Jake to come back into your and Ara’s life frustrates him. He watched you date the guy, let him move in, knock you up, and then leave. Sometimes, he just wants you to use your brain and think about Ara and how she’ll have to grow up with a man in and out of her life. She doesn't deserve that; she deserves to have someone love her, sings her to sleep, hold her when she is scared, and play with her–not someone who shows up when they want to. He also thinks you deserve more than just a wishy-washy man who can't commit, but he's just your neighbor turned housemate. He doesn't have anything greater to offer you.

“Jake, you remember Yoongi?” You say, standing between the two in the doorframe.

“Hey–man, what’s up?” Jake holds out his hand for Yoongi to shake, which he does with a reluctant groan.

Ara is ready to escape from your arms when Jake tries to say hi. “There’s my baby girl.” Yoongi rolls his eyes because that’s what he calls her, but he knows it’s not exclusive to him. “Where are you going?” Jake teases when Ara holds her arms out toward Yoongi.

He suppresses his smile and gladly takes Ara from your grasp, and the most obnoxious baby voice comes out of him, “Hello–why yes, we want to stay. Don’t we?” He glances at you and Jake quickly before taking Ara toward the living room. “Let’s get your shoes on, shall we? Baby girl has a big day out with mommy.” Yoongi refuses to acknowledge Jake as her dad.

You look at Jake and see him clenching his jaw when he sees his daughter with another man. “Here–take her diaper bag, and I’ll grab Ara. Go wait outside, and we’ll be there soon.”

Jake grumbles under his breath, begrudgingly taking the bag from your hand, and heads out the door.

You stride over toward Yoongi, kneeling beside him. “I thought you were going to be nice.”

“See, you keep saying that, but I never promised anything.” He makes a face at you as he finishes buckling Ara’s sandals.

“Yoongi–”

“Okay, okay. I’ll be nice.”

The few hours you're gone, Yoongi tries to work on his project but can't concentrate on anything. He plays the same song beat until he can't stand it and pushes his keyboard and mouse to the side out of frustration.

He shouldn't be so angry over you and Ara going out for a few hours. The two of you have done this plenty of times, but this was different–Jake's with you. Does he know what Ara's favorite lovey is and about the backup one in case the first one goes missing? A lot of things could go wrong in a short span of time.

Yoongi paces repeatedly in the living room, looking through the blinds to see if you've returned. Eventually, he gives up and falls asleep, his arms and legs crossed while on the couch, awaiting your arrival.

The digital keypad of the lock wakes him from his rest, wondering how long he's been out. The fumbling of the doorknob causes him to become flustered, pretending to go back to sleep.

"Ow–" you mumble as you enter the apartment, accidentally stubbing your foot on the shoe rack.

Yoongi chuckles quietly, turning toward the back of the couch.

"Where's your room? I can put Ara down," Jake says while holding his arms out for her. You reluctantly hand her over, hoping she doesn't wake up during the transfer. Your little chunky monkey's growing up too fast before your eyes.

Surprisingly, Jake does a good job putting her down without waking her up. You turn on the white noise, putting her favorite blanket on her before leaving the room.

"See, I'm a natural," Jake suggests, patting himself on the back.

Yoongi scoffs quietly. It's been one time, pure luck, he thinks. Imagine having to do it every day without any help.

You walk Jake to the door, and you stand before him. "Not bad for your first time."

Jake eliminates the distance between you, rubbing your arms up and down. "You guys should just come live with me," he suggests, squeezing your arms.

Quickly, you glance over at Yoongi, who's still fast asleep. "Yoongi's been good to us, and I don't think I want any major changes right now."

"Come on, baby. I said I wanted to be more involved in your and Ara's life. Isn't that enough? Don't you still love me? We're so good together."

At this moment, Yoongi wants to jump up and pummel the guy, but hopefully, you can handle him yourself.

"Don't come around with empty promises. Ara and I deserve more than that. You hung out with us once and expect me to let you back into my life? It's gonna take time before I can trust you again."

Yoongi smiles. He knew you could do it. He pretends to stir and groan to make it known that he is about to wake up from sleep.

You look over at Yoongi as he stretches his arms and legs. "You should go, Jake. I'll talk to you later."

"Babe–we're not done talking yet," Jake whines.

"She said, 'You should go, Jake.'" Yoongi pops up and deadpans to Jake.

"You heard the man of the house," you say, raising an eyebrow and crossing your arms.

Jake scoffs, clenching his jaw, annoyed with both of you. "Didn't know you were someone else's bitch already."

Yoongi quickly stands. "You really should go now."

You open the door, waiting for him to leave. He tuts and mumbles and curses under his breath before walking out as you slam it behind him.

Both of you stare at each other, waiting for someone to speak.

Yoongi blinks. "What did I tell you?"

"I don't know. What did you tell me?"

"That he's a no-good lowlife who just wants to get his dick wet."

"You never said that."

"Well, we were both thinking it."

You sigh, walking over to him, sitting on the couch, and Yoongi mirrors you. "Come on, just say what you want to say. Tell me, 'I told you so.'"

He doesn't want to be right. He understands the tough situation you're in. It's not your fault your ex is a jerk. He shakes his head, "I'm not gonna say that."

"Okay, then. Thanks for putting up with him then and humoring me in my hopeless situation."

Yoongi turns to you. "Stop that. You and Ara deserve better than that guy. You guys are perfect the way you are, even if he doesn't realize that."

"Oh my god, is Min Yoongi just a big ball of fluff now?" You tease, playfully pushing him away.

"I'm serious. You're a great mom to Ara, and you should have someone who loves you and wants to take care of you."

Your lips curve into a small smile. "Thanks, Yoongi. I mean it." Your pinky is unbearably close to his hand, just as you notice his index finger stroking your hand.

He looks at you. "Don't mention it."

[crypt-tids]

A bit of a mushy storytime because my anxiety has been mean to me the last couple days and has lead me to deep diving into some stuff that kind of ended up making me feel better now that I've put the pieces together. (It is about my relationship so feel free to skip it if you've had enough of my rambling lol)

My bf was engaged 5 years ago, had been with that person for 4 years, had an apartment and pets with them, and had a wedding date set and everything. less than a month before the wedding, a huge hurricane hit, fucking everything up for a long time, and they had to postpone the wedding. 5 months later, they broke up. If that hurricane hadn't hit, they would have been (unhappily) married and I never would have met him.

He hadn't dated anyone in all of that time because that relationship was so emotionally abusive and manipulative that he didn't want to deal with it again.

In the fall of 2023, I got out of a horribly wishy washy, non-committal situationship with a person that would manipulate me into trusting them anytime they felt lonely, inevitably ending when they left me for the third time, using my sexuality as their excuse (which left a horribly deep scar that lead to me breaking down crying when I told my bf about my sexuality because I was terrified he would do the same thing to me--he did not). I tried a couple dating apps, went on 1 date, talked to some flakes that made big promises and never delivered, and then decided I was fucking done with it all and I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to put dating behind me and live alone because it was easier.

In January, I worked at an event I didn't want to work at at all, I did it only because my mom wanted to do it.( The guy I had been casually talking to at the time said he would try to show up to meet me. He never did, and never brought it up again and we didn't speak again after that.) anyways, my mom took a picture of our table to send to her customer/friend to see if she wanted anything. I just so happened to be in the picture. That was the first picture of me that my bf had ever seen that made him want to ask me out. If I had been a little more convincing and stubborn with my mom, we wouldn't have been at that event. There would have been no picture of our table to send to anyone, and my bf never would have known that I existed.

It took him over a week to work up the nerve to give my mom his phone number to pass along to me. 2 days later, I decided "what the hell" and texted him. In all of that time he had been drafting a text that he was terrified to send, and was just about to push through when my text came through for him.

It's so weird how seemingly unconnected events play such huge rolls in our lives. I almost didn't get to meet the only person I have ever genuinely, without any doubt, been in love with. The only person that has ever told me that my anxiety and insecurities weren't silly and that he understood them and wanted to reassure me through them. The only person that took it upon themselves to research asexuality on his own to better understand me and why I was asking him to be patient with me. He almost married someone that would have made him miserable, and because of a hurricane, a horrible hurricane that my office building is still not fully repaired from 5 years later, I got the chance to meet him.

I always read about how much people hate it when their partners snore, and I find snoring annoying in general myself. My ex-girlfriend had one of the loudest snores I've ever heard, and I fucking hated it. It would keep me awake and I would try to shuffle the bed a little to snap her out of it for a minute so that I could fall asleep. (That relationship oxidized really fucking quick, not because of the snoring, but it was a huge mess that involved her gaslighting me and leaving me with yet another depth to my relationship trauma that to this day makes me horribly anxious sometimes). but the sound of my bf snoring is the best most calming fucking sound in the world. I will fall right to sleep with it. I don't know what it is about his snore, because I know that his ex regularly teased him and complained about it because she thought it was annoying, but I love it.

He is genuinely the most calming presence in my life and is the only person that has ever made me feel like moving forward/change wasn't something to be afraid of. If things had been just a little different, I'd still be single, and we never ever would have met, or even crossed paths. I can't help but feel like all of that is cosmically important. Like it wasn't an accident, but the universe had carefully planned out the events in our lives because we were supposed to be together from the very beginning.

[yandere-mha-blog]

Part five

Word count: 2361

And with this Dabi and y/n relationship has been more on display and i think i added a couple things that people will like, and changed how the parents act cause int he original story it was a bit wishy washy, but hey that's what's this rewrite is for :D

And hope you have liked the changes i made, and like, reblog and comment if you could it would mean a lot :3

It had been about four months since you moved in with Dabi officially, you were still going to school, you told Dabi you just wanted to graduate highschool and that would be that. Dabi tried more than once to tell you to just drop out, but you were still headstrong on your one goal to just graduate and leave, and it was December now, so you were almost done with this hell hole.

“Okay everyone pencils down.” your homeroom teacher said, even though you had finished the test thirty minutes prior. Man finals dy sucked, you took your phone out after class and texted dabi

“Hey, the dumb test is finally over, thank god.”

“Why would you even take it, seems like a waste of time.”

“I know, but it's just a mandatory bullshit thing to graduate, Can you come get me please.”

“Me and Kenny will be right there.”

You smiled at your phone when a classmate walked out of the room, she saw you and quickly looked away, mostly in fear, you rolled your eyes and went to the washroom, the girls saw it was you dn quickly left.

Finally no one was messing with you, you finally had some peace at school, then your phone buzzed you looked down it was from your mom, she sent the occasional text seeing if you were okay

“Hey sweetie how did your testing go?”

“Fine.”

“Oh that's great, look me and your dad were doing some cleaning and we found some stuff you might want to take with you when you graduate.” 

“Just bring it to graduation.”

“Okay if that's what you want i'll see you then.”

Your phone buzzed from dabi, he was already here, you walked out of the school and went to kenny's car

“Hi kenny.” you said and sat in the back “Agh i'm so glad testing is finally done.”

“How do you think you did?” Kenny asked

“Eh fine, it was really easy.” you said 

“Hey wait Dabi why didn't you go to the test?” Kent asked

“Why bother with some dumb testing.” Dabi said, “Come on, let's go to our usual spot.”

Your parents got a letter in the mail a week after your testing, they were so proud to see you scared in ninth place out of your school, and were eligible to go to college

“Oh thank god she didn't throw away her chances.” Your mom said and your dad sat down and opened his computer “What Are you doing honey?”

“Well if our little girl isn't going to apply for college, then i will, she wrote her college application statement in her second year, i'm sure with a couple of edits i can get her in.”

“...im really worried about her, i was to-”

“No…no you weren't, whoever this Dabi guy is, saw her in an emotional state and decided to exploit her…we can't blame anyone but him.” Your dad explained as she looked at your instagram account, photos of you and Dabi were all she saw.

“Even when she does get accepted by one of these colleges…what makes you think she will go…”

“Because our girl is smart.” Your dad said as he kept typing away on his computer.

As you sat on the uncomfortable chair as the headmaster droned on about how far everyone has come, you were looking at your phone texting Dabi on how boring this all was.

“Told you that you should have ditched.” 

“Eh just need the dumb piece of paper and im done.”Finally your name was called and you grabbed the piece of paper and walked off the stage and decided to ditch the rest of the ceremony, the student body all look at you as you left, you continued to text dabi that you got the damn thing.

“(name).” you heard your mom voice say

“Huh..mom , dad? What are you two doing here?” you asked, crossing your arms.

“It's your graduation day so of course we would be here.” Your dad said

“Well it's over now.” you said

“Well I'm very happy that you finished highschool, and we know that you are living with your…boyfriend.” Your mom said through her teeth “but we wanted to give you a bag with some stuff you might want.

“Oh…thanks.” you said as you took the bag 

“Take care now.” your dad and put a hand on your forehead “call us if you need anything.” “Anything at all.” your mom added, and they reluctantly left, you sat on the bench, not wanting them to go.

You looked through your bag, your eyes widened as you saw your old novel you were working on, and your old notes, a handkerchief you embroidered, and an acceptance letter!

“Hey (name)!' Kent yelled “Dabi said I should come get you, he is going to bring you home some grub!”

“Hi kenny!” you said and put the letter in the bag and he drove you back to Dabis’ place. 

You looked down at the acceptance letter, you wouldn't believe it, how were you even accepted..was it your parents? Had to be, no one at school would have, you didn't, and Dabi wouldn't  have.

The door opened and you put the letter back in the bag.

“I'm home.” Dabi said as he sat across from the table and set a bag of food down “I got us dinner.”

“Thank you.” You said as you opened the bag and took your portion

“So how did the dumb graduation go?” Dabi asked

“Fine, my parents showed up.” You said , Dabi looked up and you continued, “They came by to give me a bag of some old stuff.”

“Dumping garbage on you?” Dabi said, “That's not very nice.”

“No not garbage, just some old novel notes, and a couple of -”

“It's trash.” Dabi said as he continued to poke at his food

“Well, they also delivered one more thing.” You said “I got a college acceptance letter.”

“You what?” Dabi said 

“I know i am just as surprised as you, i didn't even apply for any-” “So what your parents applied you to a bunch of shitty ass collages behind your back?”

“I think it's there way of trying to make amends-”

“Bullshit, they are just trying to put you back into the system that tormented you for so long, I mean think about your classmates in highschool, do you think any of them would change?”

“Dabi, think about it, if I go to college I could learn more and maybe get a novel published.”

“Since when have you ever wanted to publish a novel?"

“It's…been my dream for a while.” you said, how did Dabi not know that?

“You don't need college to write a novel.” Dabi said “Just stay here and work on it, I can get you a new laptop if you want.”

“Dabi…i want to go to college.” you said and he tossed his fork in his plate of food, you felt like sinking into a hole “It could be-”

“Shut up i'm thinking.” he snapped, you flinched “you know what get out.”

“What?” you said “dabi what are you saying?”

“I said get the fuck out of my apartment, after everything ive fucking done for you.’ He said as he tossed your shoes at you “Get the fuck out!”

“Dabi hey…come on Toya.’

“Don't you dare call me that name.” He barked

“Dabi come on if i go i can make some more money and-”

“I have money, why would you need to make your own, what you want more, oh i see i haven't been giving you enough.”

“Dabi that's not what i'm saying at all, i mean you do pay for everything, so maybe i can help out after-”

“After, after what, I don't care, GET OUT!” he yelled, he grabbed your arm and yanked you up

“Ow dabi you are hurting me.” you yelped out

“Don't care.” He said and tossed you out “we are fucking done, get the hell out of my face you traitor.”

“Dabi wait!” you yelled as he slammed the door in you face, you banged on the door

“Dabi please let me in, come on!” you bawled“Please let me in…dabi please!”

Nothing..

“Dabi please it's late and the trains aret running, i don't have money where am i supposed to go!”

You waited outside the door for about an hour, your phone was dead just to add the cherry on top, you  decided to go to the only palace you could think of.

“This show isn't any good, completely unrealistic.” Your mom said

“I don't know, it seems pretty real to me.” your dad replied, as there was a knock on the door “Who could that be?”

He got up and went to the door and saw you standing there, ready to hear “I told you so”. But instead he pulled you in for a hug

“Dad?” you said “i messed up…”

“Who was it- (Name)?” your mom said walking over and putting a hand on your cheek “Oh it really is you, why are you soaked?

“I had to walk here..i…i messed up real bad didn't I?” you sniffled into your dads shoulder

“Hey hey, it's okay you are home now.” He said

“Look I'll run you a nice bath and then we can talk, come on honey let's go.” She said as your dad took your bag, you entered the family wash room and sunk into the hot tub, it felt good to warm up.

“How stupid can i be?” you thought as you mom set a pair of your old pjs on the other side, the familiar pinkish white fabric was welcoming, you went to the dining room where both your parents sat at the table, your mom pushed a bowl of miso soup towards you,you took a sip.

“So….sweetie, what happened?”

“I told dabi I got accepted to college and wanted to go.” you started your hand shaking “He got really mad and kicked me out, then said we were over…”

“You still want to go to college?” Your mom asked, and you nodded your head

“I do.” you sniffled “Still how exactly did an idiot like me get accepted, you were right dad, this all blew up in my face.”

“It's not your fault, we are just both glad you are home.” He said “and I'm glad you came back to your senses.”

You let out a small snort of a laugh, same old blunt humor from him, you went back to your room, it still looked the same way it did when you left. You plugged your dead phone in and waited for it charge, no new messages.

You went to your instagram account and pressed delete account, then you went to your contacts and pressed delete all messages, blocked and deleted Dabis number. You went into your notes app, something you haven't done for a while

“I messed up.”

Was all you could write down and pulled yourself into a coconut of blankets, the familiar smell of the clothing detergent lulled you into sleep.

Dabi woke up the next morning and went to his phone, he wondered how many texts and calls you have sent him.

None.

“What the fuck?” he mummbled and called you

“Sorry the number you re trying to reach is either o longer in service or has been-”

“Beep”

Dabi went to instagram and saw your account was gone, his eyes widened, no you wouldn't have blocked him, you loved him, you said you loved him, you said you would do anything for him, you are the one who broke your promise not him.

He threw his phone at the wall and got out of bed and went to get dressed, he headed to his usual spot and saw kenny passed out in one of the booths

“Hey, wake up!” Dabi said

“Hngh..what i don't have any money man…” kent mumble and Dabi smacked him

“Ack, dude what the hell?” Kent said as he jolted up

“Where is (name)s address?” dabi asked

“Uhhh…yours?’ Kent said

“No her old house you idiot!” Dabi said

“Uhh…i don't remember i mean it was like…four-ish months ago.” Kent said, Dabis’ eye twitched

“You're as useless as always.’

“Hey man, that's mean.” Kent said “Why do you even need to know?”

“Because I tossed her out last night.” Dabi said

“...you did what?’ Kent asked “Why…why would you do that?” “She was acting crazy.” Dabi explained

“Got it, (name) was acting crazy.” Kent said nodding his head

“You're mocking me?’ Dabi asked and grabbed his shirt collar

“What no of course not, i mean i'm sure she will call you, it was just a tiny fight right.”

“I told her it was over.” Dabi said

“Okay now I am really confused.” Kent said as Dabi released him

“You wouldn't get it, since you know you have never been in a relationship.” Dabi said as he took out a cigarette

“That was a low blow.” Kent said

“I think she blocked me so you call her for me.” dabi said as he took one long inhaul of his cigarette.

“Alright what is it?” Kent said as he took his phone out.”

You woke up to your phone ringing, you groaned and looked at the unknown number, and saw that dabi tried to call you earlier, you rolled your puffy eyes and pressed block number.

“Well she didn't pick up.” Kent said

“Try again.’ Dabi said, kent shrugged and tried calling yet again

“Sorry the number you're trying to reach has either been-”

“Beep”

“I think she knows it's you trying to contact her…” kent exasperated 

“FUCK!” Dabi yelled out and put his cigarette out on the ashtray

'Well what college did she say she wanted to go to?’ Kent asked

“I don't know!” Dabi yelled “would you just shut up.”

“Okay okay…” Kent said 'Look I'm sure something about her will pop up soon, I'll keep my eyes out okay.’

“You better.” Dabi said as Kent gulped at his threat “what good are your eyes if you can't use them.”

[motownfiction]

warm days with you

After Emma was born, one of Lucy’s biggest fears was that Elenore would feel left out. She was eleven then – thirteen now – and even though she’d had most of a childhood already, Lucy was nervous that she’d feel neglected just when she needed her mother the most. She keeps having visions of Elenore falling in love with the wrong kind of guy because her mother wasn’t there to tell her what to look for. She keeps having visions of Elenore hitching her wagon to the first OK-ish guy she meets. Now that she has this big crush on her best friend, Sean, Lucy sits awake at night, worried.

It’s not that Sean is a bad kid. Not at all. He’s perfectly nice. He says please and thank you, and he really seems to enjoy Elenore’s company. Always has, ever since they moved here when Elenore was in the second grade. They seem like they have a really great time together. But there’s just something about Sean that gives Lucy a little bit of pause. Maybe she’s being too harsh on him. He’s only recently turned thirteen, and it would be too much to ask him to know himself. But there’s just something there. A permanent wishy-washiness that you’re born into, that you can’t grow out of. Will says that she’s being too judgmental and unrealistic because she’s afraid of losing her eldest daughter, because she’s afraid Elenore won’t have the richly textured life that Lucy has always wanted for her (and so badly). He says Lucy got lucky with a guy like him because he got lucky enough to know her. There’s a point in there somewhere. It doesn’t negate the gnawing feeling in Lucy’s gut whenever she thinks about Elenore growing up alongside this boy who’s just OK.

Toward the end of the school year, Lucy has an idea. On a Wednesday – a day where she teaches no classes – she doesn’t wake Elenore up for school. It’s her skip day for the semester, just when she thought she wasn’t going to have one this time around. She takes her dear sweet time getting dressed and ready for a nice day with her mother. It’s the first warm day of the spring, and they have a lot to talk about.

As they walk along the street near their building, Lucy asks Elenore why she has such a crush on Sean. Just like Lucy expected (and worried), Elenore turns bright pink, and her eyes look like two pretty sequins in her head. Infatuation at its best. Same as its worst.

“Oh, Mom, he’s just so perfect,” she says. “Perfect for me, anyway. We laugh at all the same stuff. He always agrees with me. He can predict what I’m going to say. And … I don’t know, I think he has the prettiest eyes.”

“You like green eyes?” Lucy asks.

“I like Sean’s eyes.”

Lucy nods. Fair enough. Maybe she’s forgotten that Charlie, her first-ever crush, has green eyes, too. Maybe that’s a good thing.

“I know you really like him,” Lucy says. “But I also want you to know that you’re thirteen. You don’t have to like the same guy forever. You can like different guys, and you can like them at whatever pace you want.”

“But you didn’t like more than one guy,” Elenore says. “Right?”

Lucy sighs.

“No, not really,” she says. “But that was different. Daddy and I … we’re meant to be together in a way that a lot of couples aren’t. We didn’t force it. We just … we were, and we are. That’s all there is to it. It’s the kind of love you can’t explain because if you could, I’d have written three or four books about it by now.”

Elenore nods.

“OK,” she says. “So, why couldn’t I have that kind of love with Sean?”

Lucy doesn’t know how to say it nicely. So, she says it the way it comes to her mind, and she knows she’ll probably pay for it later.

“I think you’d already know by now,” she says. “By the time I was almost done with seventh grade, I knew for sure I was going to marry your dad. And not that ‘for sure’ you can force yourself to feel. I knew it like I knew basic arithmetic.”

“Which you weren’t good at.”

Lucy grits her teeth. The kid just had to go there.

“I still knew what to do with one and one,” she says. “And I still knew what to do with your father. Do you feel that way about Sean? Be honest.”

Maybe she’s being too pushy. She’s definitely being too pushy. But when she thinks about Elenore being alone, at home, nursing a broken heart with no ideas about how to get out of it, it makes her sick. It’s probably a bad thing to assume your daughter’s first real crush is going to break her heart. But there’s just something so thin about this Sean kid. Too thin for someone as substantial and strong as Elenore. There’s no one in the world like Elenore. Maybe nobody else will ever fully understand her. Maybe no one else will ever fully earn her love.

And oh, how that beautiful girl can love. When she gets your arms around you, you pray she never lets you go. It was just like that when she was a new baby, and it’s just like that today. Elenore’s embrace isn’t a normal one. It’s all her own, and she is a miracle.

It’s been about a minute, and Elenore hasn’t answered anything about Sean.

“I like the sunshine,” she says, kind of quietly.

“Yeah,” Lucy agrees. “It’s my favorite type of weather. Surprises people, I think. A lot of my colleagues assume I must be a thunderstorm kind of woman.”

“Thunderstorms are scary.”

“See, you speak my secret language.”

“Only because you taught it to me!”

Lucy laughs. Elenore has spoken her secret language since before she was even born. She’s fluent in her mother’s pauses and silences. Surely, she’ll be able to parse through a few more of them today.

“It’s my favorite thing in the world, you know,” Lucy says.

“The sun?” Elenore asks.

“Yeah. But mostly just warm days with you.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Lucy sees Elenore with a big grin on her face. Without thinking, Lucy grins to match it. They probably won’t talk about love and relationships and setting standards for the rest of the afternoon.

For now, it’s just enough to make her girl smile.

(part of @nosebleedclub march challenge -- day 30!)

[veryace-ficrecs]

Fullmetal Alchemist Fic Recs

This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :)

"Huh — it finally came out. 'S been long enough. It's been loose since I had just turned thirteen."

milk teeth (children at war are not children at all) by candiedsage - Rated G

Ed still has baby teeth. It comes as a brutal reminder.

Back Up by ohmytheon - Rated G

Ed doesn't like to admit it when other higher-ranked soldiers harass him, but it's hard to hide things from the Hawk's Eye. 

what the water gave me by Spineless - Rated T

One rainy day after a mission, Ed's automail gets infected and gives him strife. Luckily, he is surrounded by many exasperated people who care deeply for him. Sickfic, Hurt/Comfort 

Don't Ask Questions by Moonlight_Hearts - Rated G

He left the town for the first time when Mom died. He didn’t know what he was doing, and he didn’t know where to go. He tracked through shaded alleys and talked with the people Mom always told him to avoid.

Or: Ed knows shady people and the people around him are more than concerned

 I climb the heights (I tear them down) by Starrie_Wolf - Rated T

The year Ed returned to Amestris, the Drachman Tsar decided to send an ambassador to Briggs for peace talks.

Peace was not what they had in mind.

Natura Umbilicus by liketolaugh - Rated T

People always assume that because Ed isn't religious, he doesn't believe in a higher power. He supposes it's a fair assumption, because that's how it goes with most alchemists; scientific minds don't usually like the wishy-washy nature of miracles and faith and unseen beings. They believe in atoms and molecules and the ever-elusive natural providence.

But Ed does believe in a higher power; he's met it, and its name is equivalent exchange. Nothing wishy-washy about that.

Spoon Theory by liketolaugh - Rated T

“People always talk about how bad the surgery is,” Ed told Hawkeye, “but you never hear people mention how much it sucks to have fifty pounds of metal hanging off your body. Bolts in your bones.”

“What’s happening?” Mustang asked sharply, turning toward them with his clouded eyes still lingering a few feet over their heads. “Hawkeye? What’s Fullmetal doing? Is there something wrong with his automail?”

Ed flicked the lighter again, waited a little more patiently this time, and inhaled. Then he gave Hawkeye a nod, giving in to the inevitable. The only reason Mustang hadn’t figured it out already was probably because Ed didn’t do a lot of... this sort of thing. The comfort thing. Mustang liked people to play into his expectations.

“Edward came out to smoke opium,” Hawkeye said at last. “He says it helps with the pain from his automail.”

Compressive Strength by liketolaugh - Rated T

Though only a distant second to the surgery itself, automail repair is still one of the most painful medical procedures available. Metal yanks on raw nerves. Steel bolts grind against bones. Electric shocks spark around the connection points. And it can last for hours.

Ed can deal with all of that. But he really wishes he didn't have to argue with his best friend at the same time.

Early is On Time. On Time is Late. Late is Unacceptable by boredom - Rated G

Every state alchemist must get rectified each year. They can present their research. Give a demonstration. Or participate in mock combat. Whatever they choose, they have to show up on time and ready to wow, or else they get stripped of their title.

Mustang thought Ed knew about this. He thought Ed would take this seriously and show up on time for once in his life. But, as he sits in a room with an asshole major general to his left and a ticking clock in front of him, he starts to wonder just how seriously Ed takes this whole military thing.

Has Ed disappeared just to piss him off? Or is there something else at play?

Be Kind, Rewind by icewhisper - Rated T

Maes Hughes died on a Tuesday night. When Roy woke up the next day, it was Tuesday morning. It kept being Tuesday morning. 

A Professor Not So Short by Areum113 - Rated T

After the Promised Day, many names from the military made it to the news. Some notable ones like the Flame Alchemist Roy Mustang stayed there as he rose through the ranks and moved to Central, the famous Fullmetal Alchemist disappeared.

It was unexpected, to say the least, when Agnese looked at the list of her professors and saw the name Edward Elric.

Son of the Desert by ShanaStoryteller - Rated T

Every time Edward sees the circle on the back Mustang's hand, he wants to scream, wants to reach across the desk and shake him, wants to wrap his hands around the older man's throat and ask if it was worth it, if this desk and his rank is worth the screaming, crying, writhing, burning bodies of his people -

"Something to say, Fullmetal?" Mustang drawls.

Edward snaps the file shut, "Nope."

Know the Difference by ShanaStoryteller - Rated T

“You’ve heard the rumors,” Mustang says, looking at Ed over the top of his latest report, “about the angels.”

Ed scoffs and rolls his eyes, “Angels don’t exist, don’t be ridiculous.”

“Of course, of course,” he murmurs, gaze sliding back down, “There have been multiple eye witness accounts, however.”

Ed slouches into the chair and doesn’t bother to keep the contempt to from his voice when he says, “Don’t depend on anything with wings to save you. Things that were made to leave always end up doing so, in the end.”

“Yes, well,” he says, “sometimes they come back.”

Self-Conscious by JRaylin441 - Rated T

Maes is having a terrible day. And then Ed shows up.

 There were reports there, from the language specialists they had called in, all saying the same thing. It was impossible. It couldn’t be done. They had tried their best, but it was like nothing they had ever seen before.

Achey Days by McSquishee - Rated T

Aside from Mustang and Hawkeye, team Mustang is unaware of Edward's automail limbs. When a particularly dreary day leaves his ports aching, he tries to hide his pain from the team in fear of pity or judgement. How will they react when his secret finally gets out? familial team mustang with hints of EdWin if you squint

[dammarchy211]

I saw your post about Tdov

And was wondering about you trans Psychonauts villain headcannons (oc and cannon)

!!

For canon characters I headcanon Loboto as transmasc and Oleander as genderqueer!

I really think Oleander wouldn’t rlly find out until he was older, like maybe even post psychonauts 1 n 2, mainly because he probably had a lot of toxic masculinity pressured onto him from his family environment lingering over. Especially given some of the things in his mind/some of his dialogue lines + not being able to get into the military and such. I’m sure Raz going into his mind and clearing some family trauma up in there tho rlly would help him figure that out later on tho!

For loboto I really don’t have a complex headcanon for him. His parents probably weren’t supportive, and his short hair in his mind as a kid was probably either just his self imaging on how he wanted to look as a child, or he took some scissors to his hair and his mom had to neaten it up even if she didn’t want his hair that short.

Okay now ocs!

Dexter is a trans guy! His parents had a really, wishy-washy personality for actually caring about Dexter, and by the time he really came out he’s already so much of a ‘problem child’ that his parents probably just Didn’t really care what he did gender wise. He was always type to actively fight any sort of girl perceptions of him, even before he knew he was trans. Most of his clothes pre-villainy consisted of t shirts and shorts exclusively (not really how he wanted to dress, but still it’s not girly clothes lmaoo) he Definitely just took a pair of scissors to his hair and just cut it short himself, probably in a public bathroom with some scissors he stole who knows.

Batty’s also a trans guy (I am not immune to trans boy having trans guy mentor gender envy) he grew up in such a weird environment (being an orphanage scientific experiments were conducted in) that he Really didn’t have the freedom to do anything for himself until he was like 16, when he left. He never presented femininely, not exactly by choice but he didn’t dislike it. He kind of just continued to present masculinely as he grew up, but this time socially transitioning as well. He realized he was trans younger than that, but probably didn’t do anything on account of “yeah he Wanted to be a boy, but he didn’t know he could just Do that” until he was out on his own.

Wanda is a trans woman! I think she would probably have had more of a neutral environment like Dexter, not really transphobic, but not really super supportive either. I think she would’ve found out when she was a preteen, like 11-13 ish. I don’t really have much for Wanda’s parents, but I kinda wanna think up something for them, I think it would be interesting if it was like, she had a lot of siblings/really busy parents that they just didn’t rlly remember which one she was anyway so she kinda flew under the radar with being trans anyway.

Ant! Ant! They’re non binary (they/he), there’s really not much to their backstory in the ways of trans things, I think their parents would be supportive, but I also think they were SUPER OVERLY SHELTERING like to an extreme degree, so any sort of love was probably held over his head to make him anytime he wanted to leave them or what have you. Idk if they woulduse their support as leverage. But maybe.

Lastly Minerva isn’t ‘canonically’ trans in oc world or whatever but I think she has some transfem swag. Old woman weird hag tfem swag

[dollsonmain]

Packages need to go out today. Out of all of the sales 3 were cancelled, 2 of which were picked up on second-chance-offer, one hasn’t paid, and the rest paid! Some of those dolls were on their third round of being bought and not paid for ¯\_( *°▽°* )_/¯

The person that cancelled without communication got blocked, the wishy-washy buyer that cancelled WITH communication didn’t get blocked, and the remaining buyer that hasn’t paid will or won’t depending on whether they pay or not. I’ve started blocking all non-paying-bidders because I’m turning into an eBay Karen.

-

I’m starting to think the Karen-fication of older women stems from not being let to have any feeling of control their whole lives lashing out at outside forces also making them feel controlled, and then turning around and imposing themselves on others while overcompensating.

I am definitely tired of being pulled around by buyers. It fucks up my paperwork, makes more work for me to do, and wastes my time and shipping materials when I have to pack and unpack dolls to be able to see which wasn’t paid for again.

-

Need to do a partial rehair on Starflower. She’s missing some plugs in her mane and I have a cut tail in that color so I offered. $3 gets you a lot of work at the salon.

The other workpone are mostly in the SunBox to do a little body color resetting. Basic salon for them but I knew Starflower would take some time so they get a little sun time while they wait.

I’m a little frustrated by this batch because they were in pretty poor condition having been G1s that have recently been played with in the bath for the past four years or so which we all know at this point bath time is death for G1s. So I can’t get them as good as I like to get them.

Regardless, they will be better.

-

I have been very standoffish and bitchy lately and will have to reel that in so That Guy doesn’t start moping and being a megadick. He’s been baby talking a lot and I hate baby talk so it’s put me even MORE on edge after my mom’s left and I’m alone, again, and it’s PMS time which doesn’t help.

I don’t want to be touched at all, especially by him.

I’m also surprised at how unkind I’m becoming. He’s having some tooth pain and I don’t care at all. I just keep telling him to go to the dentist and get it fixed; don’t whine to me. 0 sympathy.

-

There was something else.....

OH!

Son is eating lunch at school (●'◡'●)

His aide had emailed me and said Son also wasn’t using his school laptop and I said it’s likely Son broke it and was hiding that out of fear of That Guy’s reaction to having to pay for a replacement, and it was indeed broken. So we’ll see how that pans out. They probably won’t give him a replacement since he’s broken school laptops before in middle school.

[indigo474]

june 4th 2023- HEllO JuNe

6 months into this year- I met my real estate agent today. We looked at a condo- I don't love it. But we shall see. She was really sweet and made a lot of sense and I'm starting to get excited.. terrified yes.. but really really excited. I mean, I never ever thought i'd be where i'm at today- NEVER- I honestly don't know if i'll ever use to it. with each new thing that comes around i just feel like wow- i keep saying it because it's true- my heart feels so full of gratitude - i think it may explode.. Anyway.. she got me excited.. good things, good things. Much better to approach this home search from a place of excitement than a place of fear.. so here i am.. looking forward.

I'm still chatting with my Mexican friend. Sexting just doesnt translate well.. BUT the language translates beautifully. I'm a sucker for sweet words. it seems like a simpler way to talk- he seems like a nice guy. He wants me to visit him. I guess I'll see what happens. I feel bad because i don't want to hurt him or anyone.. i've been honest- he's been persistent. he tells me the language can be learned and distance means nothing if you care for someone- he's right-

my mom called me- 2 days ago.. either drunk or high.. very nice- she left a nice message. this after she texts me a bunch of mean bullshit. I haven't called her back- i should. i'm horrible at getting back to people..

I finally got a decent vape- got a cart- the vape is fabulous. i think the cart gave me a touch of anxiety- i felt fine but had anxiety on the come down.. not good ,not good. I should probably speak to someone at the weed shop-

the manager relieving me today from work was late..only a few minutes, but how? so unprofessional.. it gets me angry because i am always early. its just not cool to make me wait to log out.

i'm talking kind of to a few other guys on the apps- but i'm not really interested in any of them.. wishy washy men. i'm convinced the 1 is married. 1 ive been messaging on and off for 2 years now- i think he's married too or just a weirdo.. Ohh i was messaging someone-back and forth.. for some reason i reminded myself to - just be me- so he messages me his last name.. i say thank you for sharing your last name do you mind if i ask you why you felt the need to share. he says he wanted me to feel comfortable chatting with him- then he tells me he no longer wants to get to know me.. umm OK- was it something i said? rejection sucks.. i only had a few messages invested into this guy but still. it wasnt like i cried over it- it stung-a little. whatever- i'll never know the why. i feel like not everyone can handle my weirdness or maybe he expected me to share my last name. or maybe there is a reason he's 44 and never been married with no kids.

time for me to go run-

[clamorybus]

sometimes i forget that other people have a different idea of 'camping' than my family does

the campground we frequent used to be farmland in new hampshire. its owned by one family, and now descendants of the family made it into a family-only campground. we aren't related to the family, but it's my dad's best friend's family, so he's been going there every year since he was 15. so adopted family, in a sense.

the campsites are lots you have to pay rent for (and electricity if you use it). each family gets to put their own site together. most campsites are what you expect: a camper or a tent with a grill and a fireplace

but my dad? he loves this campground more than the blood relatives do. pretty sure more than he loves me (and he adores me!). and because he's a carpenter with a love of the trade, he goes BANANAS. like when i was a toddler we lived in a tent, and between then and adulthood we lived in trailers. then my dad built a closed-in porch around the camper. its basically a mini-cabin with a fully functional kitchen. i haven't gone up in a few years but apparently he's removed the trailer altogether and made it an actual cabin. plus a small one on the side of the lot for my brother, SIL, and niece when they stay up there. and a little gazebo for the grill and cooler. an a fence that doubles as firewood storage. and old fairylights strung over the place

it's been a decades' long project for him, but that campsite is his pride and joy. honestly it was worth it for all those mornings he woke me up with his buzz saw. tbh the only reason he hasn't built more is because the town won't give him the permits ajdjsk.

we legitmately have the best campsite out of all of them. and i WILL brag because i am very proud of my father 😌 and tbh everyone there agrees; my dad is there legitimately every weekend, as opposed to a few times a season, so it's also the cleanest and in the best shape

but enough about the campsites ahdjsla it's all about the people! they're, well...the kind of northerners who think they're ""Country"" because they own a gun and listen to country 102.5 on the radio. you know what i mean? which is. obnoxious in many ways, to say the least. fun crowd to get drunk with though

a lot of them are people i disagree with on a fundamental level, so i tend to avoid them and give a polite 'hi how are ya' when they approach me. that feels really passive aggressive and wishy-washy tbh. i do wish i had the guts to speak my mind with them more.

growing up at Camp was really fun though! since everyone knew each other we all looked after each other. there were kids of all ages, and the older ones usually watched over the tots. kind of parentification ig, but again most people only went there occasionally so its more like reluctant baby sitting for an afternoon. and as long as we told mom where we were heading off to, we got to do whatever. we basically got to free roam starting when we were five.

we didn't have anything fancy like a pool or an arcade, but we had a playground (my autistic ass spent most of my time on the swings. like from 11 to 18, most of the time i was up there i was on the swings). we had a horseshoe pit, a creek behind the horseshoe pit that the drunk adults would piss in at night and we kids would splash barefoot in the next day. we caught frogs and newts and snakes and fireflies. deep in the woods, there was this huge "quarry" (some kind of acre wide crater left behind from an abandoned construction project); it was a rite of passage for kids to make the trek there. i always described the place as looking like a stereotypical photo of Arizona. we could play in that sand pit for hours, but we were always afraid some construction foreman would jump out of the woods and catch us, even though no one had been there for years

most of the time, Camp is a mellow place where you can kick back, crack open a cold one, and shoot the shit around the campfire. but MAN are holidays a party! labor day, fourth of july, and memorial day are biggest weekends, natch. almost everyone makes it up there. there's bingo, ice cream and popcorn, karaoke (one of the families have a little band so they have the equipment), and a lot of alcohol. there's drunken dads and uncles setting up fireworks on the fourth that go off dangerously close to the trees. kids whipping each other with glow sticks. it's a blast!

though the *best* time is Reunion! it's a family campground, after all. if a family can only make it up once a year, its for reunion. reunion is like the other holidays, but more! first of all, it's the first weekend of august so it's always around my dad's birthday, so we usually celebrate there. but outside of that, the families all get an assignment for the weekend. some families work as full-on food vendors--hot dogs, homemade fries, ice cream, popcorn, the works! there's games for the kids on saturday morning; sack races, three legged races, tug of war, etc. another family manage the Chinese Auction, the big event of the weekend. it's just a raffle so idk why they call it that. but everyone brings in something, and one family a year is in charge of maintaining the auction; selling the tickets, organizing the prize tables, calling the names on Sunday, yknow. friday or saturday evening is a big potluck. the family with the band usually plays live music on Saturday nights. on sunday morning, another family is in charge of making breakfast for everyone at the pavilion. at 6 am sharp. it varies a bit but it's usually scrambled eggs, toast, bacon, pancakes, home frieds, oj, and coffee. though this one family always serves biscuits and gravy which are 👄👌. and the best part is: my family isn't blood family so we never have to do anything but partake in the festivities 😌

okay this is REALLY long, and for no good reason ajdjdksk. but camp means a lot to me, for better or worse. i do have complicated feelings about it. it's legitimately my second home, and the people there are my second family. they fully watched me grow up, and ive watched the younger kids grow up, and now they're having kids. i had alcohol for the first time there, shot a gun for the first time, got drunk for the first time, had my first kiss there, learned to fish, learned to swim, learned to drive. never once as a kid did i feel afraid there. i got to be free and have fun.

but it feels different as an adult. a lot of people there are the total opposite of me politically. a lot of them are racist, homo and transphobic, and military bootlickers and every other sentence out of their mouth makes me violently angry. all the adults there knew me since i was in my mother's guts and they watched me grow up, but that didn't stop some of the men--my honorary uncles--from undressing me with their eyes or making passes at me. growing up there were campsites i wasn't even allowed to *walk by* when the campers there are drinking. when he was a teenager, camp is where my older brother got cigarettes and drugs when his football teammates held out on him. there's horrible things that happen behind closed doors that the adults would ignore because 'xyz is such a good guy/woman otherwise!'. a lot of problems you find in any community, i guess. it's complicated

[mvillamemoirs]

october 2020

Saturday, October 31st, 2020

-Today is Halloween and it doesn’t feel like it one bit. It feels like there’s nothing to be celebrated due to so many restrictions like COVID, my court thing, and financial responsibilities. Being an adult is hard. Sometimes I do have thoughts that if I were subtracted from the world, my anxiety and problems wouldn’t matter, but that’s obvious because I wouldn’t be alive. Got to remind myself that I am worthy, no one’s judgments matter but my own, and what matters is how I treat people while catering to my needs, too. I studied a lot for anatomy and psychology, checked out a lot of apartments, the search is fun but things in my future are getting serious. I feel like today was my only chance to go freely about what I want to do.

Friday, October 30th, 2020

-Went to work, love my boss’s enthusiasm as he was in the Halloween spirit in his costume. He felt hurt with me leaving yesterday 45mins after 5pm to get my therapy done, was i? I need to become more aware of how I am presently and keep my communication transparent. This morning me and MS agreed that we have outside lives and need to find the balance with patient flow while respecting time outside of business hours.

-Went to Dannys, had dinner, I feel like isolating myself from everything to get my moment of silence and isolation. I feel like things are moving fast, and I need to find time to relax and zen out. I need a breather from a busy week with work and school. I am okay, I adore friends like Steph checking in, but I really do just want space to move at my speed and spend time with myself again- Danny included.

Thursday, October 29th, 2020

-I feel like this period and the cycles of the moon are throwing me all out of whack. I feel a lot of ups and downs, have a long checklist to do, I am lacking in a lot of things- journaling helps, I feel like family judges (mom, meilani) and work is too. I need to kill this paranoia and stay on track with myself and focus.

-Went to dinner at Rays house for his mom’s birthday, I wanted to bring Danny but he was working, I had therapy, and I don;t now if it’s appropriate to bring a new face around during some one else’s celebration to take away their shine. I see me and Danny growing more and want him to make more effort coming around my family. Sometimes I feel alone when it comes to my circle of friends.

Wednesday, October 28th, 2020

-Cramping a lot at work. I don’t feel in the mood for anything at all. I feel disorganized with my life. Do I really want to do PT for my studies. Still pursue CMT in the meantime? I don’t like feeling wishy, washy with things, but I also don’t like the idea of not knowing.

Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

-Woke up in the morning, walked nala, did zoom class, went to work, walked nala again after work. Brought Danny lunch afterwards. Reflecting about Danny, am I doing things because that’s what I would want done to me versus exerting care in general? I need to take a step back and say ‘No’ sometimes, too, especially if I have tasks to do and so on.

Monday, October 26th, 2020

-Picked up Danny from the airport, called out of work to relax and get study time in. Felt productive and nice to have the house to myself again.

Sunday, October 25th, 2020

-Went to Lokahi, kept tabs on the Steelers, 6-0 baby. Find myself getting depressed and in my feels regarding the court situation. Time to study for psychology and read, read, read!

Saturday, October 24th, 2020

-Went to Lokahi for a shift, left by 1245 to go to Meilani and Drus house to head to Antioch for Roman’s 2nd birthday celebration at the park. It amazes me how loose they are with the COVID thing going on. A bit freaked out and made me realize that I am thankful to keep to myself outside of work, Danny and Steph. It was nice to see family, Brod brought up my dad, and I was okay with hearing about it. Not sure how Meilani feels, but it’s getting better when that subject comes up. I feel the love in the air overall!

Friday, October 23rd, 2020

-Went to Stephs and target, too, after work.

Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

-woke up in the morning, walked nala, did zoom class, went to work, got off and walked nala again.

Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

-Woke up at Dannys at 430am or so, went outside to go have a smoke with him and came back to cuddle.

-Woke up, texted boss about coming in an hour later, it’s really no biggie at this rate about losing hours as I enjoy myself.  “You can always make money, you can’t always make memories.” Plus, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before he takes off to Texas for the next few days. Hopefully this will give me time to clean my car, get ahead and study, and have solo dolo time. Breakfast at Los Gatos cafe, went to bills cafe and then airport.

-Went to work after dropping Danny off at the airport. It was a weird vibe there of course. Pushed through some billing, then did work in the back. So much tension with one person in the building- who cares.

Tuesday, October 20th, 2020

-Had class and dissected the sheep’s heart. It’s interesting adapting to this online learning. I was a bit frustrated with identifying calves and parts of it. Luckily things got easier as I cut the sheep heart open, and went from there. I’m getting better at actively asking for help when things are unclear to me, as well as communicating with my Mom. 

-Went to work, MS called me fake- but whatever, she doesn’t know me and can judge all she wants. It’s annoying having a whiny co-worker, who’s incompetent and complains about so much, but does less. Whatever.

-Went to grab mountain mikes with Danny. Had wine at his house, enjoyed each other’s company. Rewatched queen of the south with him, even though I binged watched it before-no biggie.

Monday, October 19th, 2020

-Went to work, Milenna caught an attitude. My vibes were up with everyone including patients. She is so prissy, stuck up and angry with the world and it’s so annoying catering to her needs. She’s a spoiled one but that’s not going to stop me from enjoying life. I’m so sure of myself and what I bring to the table at work and people, so I’m going to continue having a great time. Glad it’s not only me who think she’s condescending- i thought I was losing my mind for a bit.

-Went to stephs for a bit to build a tv stand. I was getting excited that Danny might’ve gotten off work early, but nope. Ended up leaving Stephs pretty late, but found myself in bed at 3am.

Sunday, October 18th, 2020

-Woke up and left Danny’s place since I had to go to work at Lokahi. Very easy day with only one practitioner, but didn’t get to leave by 3pm as I wanted to. It’s okay as long as she got the help and support she needed. Finished all of my tasks early, so all I had to do was study for the psych midterm due tonight.

-Met up with Danny for an hour before he had to go to work at the Plant. Mentioned about the sex thing and it got him fired up. We’re definitely headed in the right direction with open communication and trust. He was aggravated about going into work when he didn’t feel like it, told him I would drop him lunch which I did after scoring an A on the multiple choice portion of the midterm.

-Made shoyu meat and brought it to him on his lunch. Timing was perfect and he mentioned about someone testing positive for COVID on his line and didn’t know what to do. I told him to report it because other people can be going home to kids or elders and it shouldn’t be a hush-hush situation at Tesla as COVID is a global pandemic.

-Came home, studied for a bit and attempted to do anatomy homework. Then went to bed by 1:10am.

Saturday, October 17th, 2020

-Super excited for my massage, got a lot of studying done before. Danny had to go to work, so after the massage, I went to SF to meet up with Aneshia, catch up, get the bread and come back. Some paranoia of wear and tare on my car, but Aneshia is totally worth it without a doubt. I love her, and she really is like family.

-Almost got into a fight with Danny, it made me realize I need to be clearer with my communication as he was expecting me sooner without knowing I was barely leaving SF. We squashed it, talked it out, and went to grab dinner. It’s getting easier with him, and I love this open communication we’re having.

-Realized today was Holly’s last day at Lokahi- she’ll do great in her future endeavors. Wish I bonded with her more, and even got treatment from her. Glad she’s moving forward to Berkeley.

Friday, October 16th, 2020

-Today’s was Daphne’s birthday, texted her after work. It kind of slipped my mind, but I haven’t heard from her as far as any plans. Work was productive, worked on collections and patient focus.

-Hung out with Danny and stayed at his pad the rest of the evening. 

Thursday, October 15th, 2020

-Woke up, did some laundry, class made me a bit irritated as the professors wifi kept shutting off. We only had class for an hour so I gave Nala a bath, did some laundry, made food and went to work. Came home and walked Nala. Had therapy session, did some studying as homework was due.

-Texted Yolanda for her birthday, she’s planning on having a beach day this coming weekend. . we shall see if it happens or not.

Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

-Work went really well. Getting better at getting to know patients and verbiage.

-went to stephs after work to play with Henny-super cute dog! I’m really digging her new studio. She made me dinner, hung out and just chilled til super late to come home to Nala.

Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

-Woke up this morning, walked nala, made breakfast and attended my zoom class. I like how it feels as if a productive bug bit me. I really need to get my grade up in Anatomy, and I see myself maintaining and studying ahead of time for this upcoming psychology midterm.

-Came home, ate dinner, walked Nala. Wondering if me and Danny are going to work out. Time to back to studying.

Monday, October 12th, 2020

-Went to work, vibes were up- it made me really appreciate the work that I do and that I love my job.

-Came home and walked Nala. Tried to get some studying into the evening knowing that I have a proctored test coming up. NHI massage classes were supposed to start tonight, but still no word from the financial advisor until the school director reached out to me. Felt like all they wanted was my money, but something in my gut was telling me to wait for it. I think I was being overambitious with putting things on my plate regarding educational reasons.

-Still sad about the issue with Danny. A bit irritated. How are we supposed to work out in the long run if he blows up on me and shuts me out.

Sunday, October 11th, 2020

-Woke up, walked nala, studied all day- felt very productive! It’s nice having all of this time to get quality studying in. While walking Nala I was thinking that this is a good move, as I can focus and make moves to a better, brighter future.

-I feel more accepting with whatever is happening with the whole Danny situation. Had an enlightening moment when I turned to alcohol when I’m feeling down. It reminded me of the exact same feeling of the 4th of July weekend when getting arrested. I can’t just pick myself up and shift my mind to a happy state when all of this upsetting, unfortunate things are happening. I can’t keep thinking things are okay, when they’re not. I have to make a better habit of facing reality for what it is. Makes me feel like I find the good in people and zone in on it, when really I should also acknowledge the bad things, too. I feel played by Danny. I feel like this time I really tried to make things work, and he just doesn’t care when he drinks too much and I don’t feel like sliding through.

-I see myself smoking more cigarettes, but made a bigger effort smoking a few puffs versus an entire stoge in one sitting. 

-Went to stephs to get out of the house. Helped pack up a couch from my house and followed her to her place. Over indulged in junk food while watching Big Daddy, and instantly feel regret by putting crap in my system.

Saturday, October 10th, 2020

-Woke up a bit late to get to my ortho appointment. Feeling numb to everything. Had my braces tightened, came back home and walked Nala. Studied before meeting up with Aneshia to get my baked goods that she made. Talked to one of my favorite aunty’s in the meantime to get my mind off of Danny. It was very refreshing heading up to SF and catching up with Aneshia and Rodney- made my entire week, and was definitely a boost to feeling crappy about the night before regarding Danny.

-Thinking about talking to Theo again, or just to get it in- but I don’t want to keep repeating history and open up that chapter.

-Knocked out very early to catch up on sleep from the night before. I don’t feel as bothered about Danny as much. Still bothered, but I have to let it go. Fool me once, shame on you- this is the second time- what the hell was I thinking.

Friday, October 9th, 2020

-Went to work, excited that it was a short day. Started thinking about all of the school work I’d get done, and catch up on studying for anatomy. Vibes were up. Tried to sneak in a study session in a morning lab- kind of backfired as my boss didn’t like it, but felt very useful with going over histology slides with another professor.

-Came home, studied very hard. Talked to Danny who was at work, apparently he got in a fight and needed a ride. I came to get him and blow in his intoxalock, and brought him to his Dad’s house. Still told him I was going to help Steph move into her new place, and wouldn’t be free til 930pm. I don’t like cancelling plans, and this is a big thing for my bestfriend.

-Nighttime plans with Danny backfired. I think we’re done. Arguing over calling dinner, and he lashes out on me as he’s drinking all day. So flustered- feel defeated. Ended up drinking with Steph and having pizza for the night. Found it hard to sleep due to how bothered I was with the whole Danny situation. I guess we’re over.

Thursday, October 8th, 2020

-Very productive day in the morning with laundry, taking my dog out and cleaning. Did my class session via Zoom- very tuned in. Went to work and felt it dreading a bit. Milenna mentioned she was ‘over the day’ and misery loves company- and that kind of mental attitude threw me off big time as I started to feel out of it too.

-Filled out registration to become a CMT- super excited. Just have to figure out finances and financial aid, too. The intro to sports massage was a good class, I feel motivated to get it done!

Wednesday, October 7th, 2020

-Went to work, vibes were up and meshing with everyone. Taking time to think about my response versus instantly reacting helps a lot. I feel more patient.

Tuesday, October 6th, 2020

-Woke up in the morning to Danny calling me saying that he brought me coffee and breakfast. Second time around and it’s making me take note of how sweet and thoughtful he is. It’s the little things. Still have to remind myself not to have expectations, take situation as it is. Grow and cheer for each other.

Monday, October 5th, 2020

-Focused at work, focused on patients and making connections while getting notes done. Very productive and feel balanced as a worker. Still need to work on TIRP, medical records, etc.

Sunday, October 4th, 2020

-Went to Salinas with Danny to his aunts house. It’s so nice out there, it feels nice to get away from SJ. Itching to travel more, but COVID and airlines make me feel weird. Not comfortable yet, but looking at this time as a moment to save up and focus on my studies and work.

Saturday, October 3rd, 2020

-Walked my dog in the morning, had some breakfast and mimosas with Danny before my part time gig. Very productive day. Studied a lot for school. I feel admired by Danny, I like this whole being friends then more pattern we’ve got going on.

Friday, October 2nd, 2020

-The morning at work went really well! Excited for Umar to take off to celebrate his birthday. I’m so thankful for him as a coworker level, and friend level. I appreciate his work and drive, too! He’s consistent and that’s what I like in general with anyone and everyone. It’s embarrassing how the intern can also see how MS is a bit lazy and prissy. It reassures me that it’s not solely me and in my head.

-Excited to see Danny after work. Made pasta and chicken. If I reflect back on everything this week, ‘me time’ looks like it’s going to be well-needed and deserved.

Thursday, October 1st, 2020

-Woke up extra chipper today and fully rested. Did my online class- had so many questions for the professor. Reflecting on the test and past chapters to date, it always seems so easy once you overcome it, but never during it. Reminding myself that this is growth. Skeletal and muscle system seems more complex versus bones and cells now. But it shouldn’t be this hard since i work in a chiropractic office.

-Anyways, work went really well. It’s been going well for some time now. It’s all about perspective and getting things done. Keeping communication open with patients, because without them I have no job.

-Went to Dannys after he got off of work. Expressed my stress and irritations with school, also our schedules overlapping, and with CMT classes starting soon, he might hardly see me even less now. I love that he wants me to keep going now versus waiting down the road. I even like how he sees us living with each other to make even more changes with work. I like this side of him that i’m seeing more of. He seems more patient with me and vice versa, and I feel very at ease with him now than i did before.

[holdonendure]

Brothers and Sisters

When we met I was a single mom, looking for a substitute to fill the hole that had been left by my baby daddy. I was on the prowl: looking at the materialistic part of you to determine whether or not you would be the right one to step into the kingdom that I thought I had. Yes I was the Queen of my kingdom and no one could tell me no different. When I saw you I had to look you up and down to make sure you passed my shoe test. Yep, the shoes had to be fly, and they were. He made it to the next stage, he got to buy me a drink. After talking for a while and me receiving the words that I wanted to hear I went ahead and gave him the correct phone number. I have to admit! I did not think he would call, but he did. He called so much my own mother said "GIRL YOU BETTER TAKE THIS BOY'S CALLS!" I laughed her off of course. Didn't she know I was a Queen and he was going to have to catch me if he wanted me. I think he wanted me, because I GIVE UP was not his name. No man had ever went hard for me like that and I was intrigued, sooo I had to see how this thing would play out.

Wow, a man who is genuinely willing to accept my ready made family. This is just to good to be true. I'm still a little skeptical so I think I will keep my walls up just to be sure, I can not risk another broken heart. I kept myself guarded from the time we met till halfway through our marriage. My thoughts were that I was the Queen of this relationship and my King was lacking some very important qualities. We were both and still are followers of YAHUSHA HA'MASHIACH, but at that time our walk was not as strong as it needed to be. My idea of important qualities were CAN HE AFFORD ME when it should have been DOES HE HAVE THE ABILITY TO LOVE ME LIKE MASHIACH LOVES THE CHURCH.

I thought I knew what Love was but I was clueless. I thought it was a feeling, an emotion. Now here I am claiming to know YAHUAH and don't know a thing about Love, which is a key ingredient in being a follower of the Most High. So there I was miserable in my marriage because I was waiting on that Love feeling to take over me, and well it never did. I was ready to divorce my husband because the feeling wasn't there. My husband suffers something called sin (we all do) and sometimes he needs extra special care. When we got married I did not know that I was signing up for that so, I began to build up animosity towards him when his true colors began to appear. That animosity I felt towards him was like poison to me. I just allowed it to make me mentally sicker and sicker. Little did I know I had allowed the enemy (The Devil) to take over. I felt trapped in this marriage and my husband was going to know that. Y'all this man of mines put up with all of my trials and tribulations. I told him I didn't love him anymore, He stayed. I cheated, He stayed. I kicked him out because I had a hard time dealing with his sinful self, and he was too at the time, He stayed faithful. You guys I had no idea the kind of man I had married. And now twenty years into our marriage I realize he accented me in just the right way. YAHUAH did choose him for me. I was so BLIND! I was quiet and shy, he was loud and outgoing. I never had to worry about him cheating on me. In extended family matters and issues he always supported me. However, I was known to be a little wishy washy, I apologize. The fact that he struggled with sin meant that he needed more of my attention. I was so selfish, I did not want to give my husband what he needed. I was refusing to obey YAHUAH, and I suffered dearly for it. I was about to give up on my marriage. I smelt sweet freedom, But YAHUAH intervened. I was being drawn to my word and spending more time with YAHUAH. I began to seek after him with my whole heart, and then out of nowhere change arrived. I was reading my word and praying on a regular basis. I began to realize very clearly what Love was. It's of YAHUAH and a choice. NOT A FEELING. YAHUAH says Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always preserves. It never fails 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. I began to put YAHUAH first in my life and everything else began to fall into place. My Joy returned! My peace returned! True Love is borne! MY YAH IS ALWAYS BIGGER!

[darkshrimpemotions]

You know I love to drag Kripke as much as the next person, but one thing his era did very well was consistently characterizing John Winchester as a terrible father and Sam and Dean's upbringing as abuse.

Seasons 1-5 were not wishy-washy about what kind of father John was. He left his kids alone all the time. He put the care of Sam on Dean's shoulders almost immediately. He used Sam as bait for a Shtriga and let Dean carry the guilt of it for nearly 20 years. He spent his sons' college fund on ammo.

He disowned Sam for wanting to go to college. He drank a lot and disappeared for days at a time. He withheld affection from Dean to the point Dean found his father expressing pride in him anomalous enough to pull a gun on him. He considered his revenge more important than his children's lives or well-being.

He had strained relationships with nearly everyone he knew. He snuck off to take his secret third son to baseball games, leaving his other two sons alone or maybe with a friend. He normalized violence for his sons completely. He is heavily implied to have beaten Dean, who shielded Sam from the same treatment.

He failed to show up when Dean called him, crying and afraid. He failed to show up when Sam called him to say Dean was dying. He ordered Sam and Dean around like soldiers, and Dean visibly shut down around him. He broke promises to his sons. He left them alone with loaded weapons.

All of that and more is established and reiterated throughout Kripke's era. Dean basically calls him a deadbeat dad at one point. Bobby calls him a coward in season 4. Dean calls him an obsessed bastard in season 3. His absence in season 1 (and for periods throughout Dean's childhood) is paralleled to Anna's loss of faith due to God's absence in season 4 and Castiel's fruitless search for God in season 5.

Mary is horrified at the way her children were raised. John himself drags Sam and Dean's upbringing and their father, not realizing he's talking about his own actions. We even find out eventually that Mary's death didn't start the problems, only made them worse. John and Mary were fighting and he left just after Sam was born, leaving Dean trying to comfort his mom at four years old.

He's written at every turn as a man who abdicated his responsibility as a father and abused and traumatized his sons. And to an astute viewer, Sam and Dean's complex feelings about their father, their attempts to justify their upbringing, never read as a refutation of that characterization. If anything, they serve to reinforce it.

Hell, their changing perceptions of that upbringing even mirror their character arcs somewhat: as Dean grows more and more tired and disillusioned with hunting, he grows less willing to justify John's behavior. Whereas Sam, as he grows more enmeshed in hunting and the supernatural, becomes more and more willing to minimize John's abuse and sympathize with him.

It's horrible and sad and beautifully done, like the people writing it really fucking understood how abuse affects people and how Sam and Dean's violent lives and relationships to masculinity are related to the way they grew up and the lessons they learned from their father.

Like we're not supposed to valorize John or romanticize him or believe he did his best; we're literally watching the wreckage he left in his wake unfold tragically in his sons' lives.

And the show keeps that energy through Gamble's era too. It's not until Carver and Dabb's eras that there's this weird back-and-forth retconning of John's character, like they wanted to write Sam and Dean moving past their trauma but this time, the writers didn't understand the material they were working with. Like they didn't know how to let Sam and Dean heal without handwaving the trauma itself.

[herofics]

denki x reader comfort where she feels like an awful person and keeps imagining scenarios where she hurts herself or does sewerslide bc she doesn't feel like she deserves to live? and it's wishy washy too, like at one point in the day she can feel fine but then at night all the bad thoughts saying she's manipulative and lazy and doesn't deserve anything or anyone good just like rush to her head and she feels like shit and her head is just a mess? and her mom called her manipulative some days ago and she feels like she's right and just... everything feels like a mess (sorry if this is all over the place or hard to understand)

You can check out this post for some more comfort with Kaminari, and there are more in the masterlist, which you can find in the pinned post. This ended up a bit of a mess but oh well

“Why? Why? Why?” you muttered to yourself and smacked the edge of the sink a couple times.

You hated this, your mood could be fine one minute and after a few hours you would feel like crap for no particular reason.

“Maybe it would be better if I just died, then I wouldn’t have to deal with this and no one would have to deal with me” you sighed and walked out of the bathroom, trying to keep up the facade that everything was fine and like you weren’t standing on the edge of a cliff.

It was the weekend, but it was a quiet evening in the dorms. Some of your classmates were watching TV and some were eating something in the kitchen before going to turn in for the night. You decided to go get yourself some cereal, before going back to your dorm room and going to sleep.

“Hey babe” Kaminari greeted and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek as he passed you on his way to the fridge.

“Hey” you said a bit dismissively.

Kaminari noticed the tone of your voice being a bit off, but he decided not to mention it in front of the others. He knew you didn’t like sharing your troubles, but he made a mental note to ask you about it later.

You grabbed your bowl of cereal and walked to your room, you didn’t feel like eating with the others. You closed your door, but you stumbled on a shirt that you had left on the floor, and the cereal bowl went flying onto your carpet, spilling everywhere.

You sunk to the floor and hit the carpet, tears welling up in your eyes. You started cleaning up the mess while sobbing quietly. The bowl was laying upside down on the carpet, so you turned it back upright and started scooping the cereal back into it with your hands. A part of your carpet had been soaked with milk.

“Fuck” you sobbed and sat down next to the cereal bowl, leaning against the wall.

You pulled your knees to your chest, trying to keep your voice down while you sobbed. Suddenly, there was a knock on your door, and a familiar voice asked: “Hey (Name)? Can I come in?”

“Go-go away Denki” you said just loud enough for him to hear.

Kaminari wasn’t about to leave after hearing that, he just told you he was coming in and opened the door. He saw you sitting on the floor, crying, and quickly shut the door before rushing to you. Kaminari knelt down in front of you, hovering his hands near yours, not sure if he should touch you.

“What’s wrong? Babe, talk to me” he pleaded.

“I can’t deal with this anymore Denki, not with any of it” you cried.

Kaminari moved to sit down next to you and wrapped his arm around your shoulders, which you promptly shook off.

“Okay, okay. Just tell me what’s wrong” Kaminari said.

“I don’t-I don’t even deserve to be alive, I’m horrible person and-and I don’t deserve anything or anyone good in my life”

“That’s not true. I know you feel bad, but you have to know you’re not a bad person, not at all”

“Why am I like this then? What did I do to deserve all this crap then? If I was a good person this wouldn’t be happening to me” you said desperately, digging your nails deep into your arm.

“Stop!” Kaminari exclaimed and grabbed your hands, prying them off your arm.

Kaminari put you in a bit of a lock. He moved himself behind you so you sat between his legs on the floor and pinned your arms down to your sides.

“It’s gonna be okay babe. You just need to calm down” Kaminari said, trying to convince himself as well as you.

You kept crying, but stopped struggling against his grip. You just sobbed loudly and leaned your head back on his chest.

You hated being like this. Why? Why did you have to be such a goddamn mess? Why couldn’t you just die? It would be so much easier than dealing with all of this.

“I don’t want to be here anymore, I just don’t” you muttered after you had calmed down a bit and were feeling tired.

Kaminari was about to cry himself. He felt so useless, so helpless. He hated seeing you in so much pain and he felt like there was nothing he could do to help you. Kaminari released your arms and you wrapped them around yourself, along with Kaminari’s arms.

“I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, just tell me what I can do to help” he said.

“Just… leave me alone, I don’t deserve you anyway. I’m just a manipulative bitch who doesn’t deserve anything good” you mumbled tiredly

“Babe…” Kaminari said quietly.

“I don’t want you to hate me, Denki” you said before your eyes closed slowly.

“I could never hate you” he said, sadness evident in his voice.

You fell asleep or passed out, Kaminari wasn’t really sure which, but he lifted you to your bed and just looked at you for a while. His hand was on the side of your face and he was brushing his thumb over your cheek.

“I wish you weren’t in so much pain and I wish I could help you, but I don’t know how” Kaminari said quietly, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. He just wanted to help, that’s all he ever wanted to do.

[advernia]

ARE YOU FULL OF LOVE OR HATE?

ONE —

The water that runs down the sink has a bright yellow hue.

Deuce sighs, watches everything go down the drain till only the small drops remain. He raises his head, stares at his own reflection in the bathroom's mirror.

Blue. Like his grandmother's. Like his mom's. The sight of it is familiar the same time it is not. He touches the ends, still dripping from his thorough rinsing. When was the last time he'd seen his own hair like this?

When was the last time he'd seen himself like this?

Another sigh, a reach for the scissors set aside on the sink. He might as well - taking care of long hair was starting to annoy him, anyway... and it might be better for his image. His new image.

New beginnings, and all that.

So he takes a portion of his hair with one hand, opens the scissors with the other, and then -

Snip!

TWO —

It looks nice, Cater decides.

He takes a few pics, gets about to choosing some nice filters to go with his shots. Hmm, maybe nothing too bright or glittery. A little blur? No, now that just looks like he took the pic in a rush. Some sharpness, a touch of a highlight? Oh, now that looks presentable!

"Not gonna eat that yet?"

Cater turns to the direction of the voice, to the person sitting on his left side - blonde hair, a heart drawn over his right eye. Ah. Weren't they of the same year?

"This stuff's delish, y'know," his seatmate says, stuffing his mouth with a forkful. He chews slowly, and with each chew he got he seemed to smile even wider. Cater simply laughed at the sight before turning to his own plate.

The slice of strawberry tart shone like a jewel before him. Brilliant with its glaze, sparkling with its fresh cream, alluring with its chocolate crust.

How absolutely sweet.

THREE —

The one manning the first three sections noticed him first.

Now the other ghosts are staring at him too. He's been going about one section from another, staring for some amount of time then moving onto the next section. Rinse, repeat. When it looks like he's actually about to pick something, he stops himself then starts looking around again.

Was this kid wishy-washy, or just a picky eater?

"Tough choices for lunch, kiddo?" the ghost manning the main course section speaks up, catching Silver's attention. "You've been goin' around n' still nothing's on yer plate."

"Oh...! I apologize for the inconvenience," Silver bows his head, scratches absentmindedly at his cheek. "It's just that there's a lot of choices... and every dish looks so different."

"Aw, don'tcha worry 'bout it. Der's tons like ya that get dazzled by all the food we serve 'ere at first. Why not grab what looks familiar? Ya can try some other meal anytime."

"... That's true. Thank you for the advice."

"Don't sweat it. C'mon then, time's a runnin', get that grub! Wanna try this beef? Or are ya more of a chicken guy? Pork's on this side, by the way. But if ya wanna eat light, then..."

.

"You're only having risotto for lunch, Silver?"

"I... had a hard time choosing, but this is enough, fa... er, Lilia-senpai," Silver shoots a small smile before before sitting down across from Lilia.

"If you're satisfied with just that, then it's alright, I suppose. But do remember that you can choose to have more food to eat next time," Lilia says, picking up his spoon and fork. "Now then - let's enjoy our meal, shall we?"

Silver nods - scooping up a portion of the risotto with his spoon, he blows on it for a moment before putting the spoon fully into his mouth.

A comforting warmth and a mild, delicate taste envelops his tongue.

FOUR —

"Aren't ya tired of cookin' all the time?"

Trey blinks at Grim, his stirring coming to a stop. The little thing's busy munching away on a basket of cookies - the leftovers from today's Unbirthday Party.

"If I were ya, I'd be dead tired making all this everyday," Grim continues, crumbs gathering around the fur of his cheeks. "Oh, but all this stuff's great, though!"

Cookie in paw, then munch, munch, crunch - Trey laughs, leaving the bowl of cream unattended for reaching out to the counter, taking hold of a napkin.

"Are you trying to dissuade me from cooking for the next party?" Trey asks, dabbing away at the stray crumbs on Grim. "I don't mind... but are you willing to take my place instead? I'm sure Riddle - and Heartslabyul wouldn't mind a new chef."

"Mya! Keep dreamin'! No way the Great Grim's just gonna cook for anyone - especially not for a whole dorm!"

"Haha, I thought so."

1: no dupe lmao! here's everyone's context:

deuce -> i can't be like this any longer... (pre-game)

cater -> haha, hate's a pretty strong word... (pre-game)

silver -> ... this is a lovely taste. (pre-game)

trey -> hmm... what do you think?