#i won't get offended either way!! i'm just aware this used to be pretty much strictly a design blog

[rookflower]

not to be annoying by posting an engagement poll but genuinely speaking

[possiblylando]

Chainsaw Man 142 'Early' Analysis

This chapter is actually really interesting. There's a lot of minor choices in dialog that have been making me re-evaluate denji's character.

As much as I'm waiting on Mifune's horrible gruesome death. She continues to be an interesting character. She seems to share a similar level of awareness to Yoshida. Which I guess makes sense given how close they are work wise. It's really odd to have a character in CSM who's so vocal about everything. I've become used to getting jack shit outside of anything work related.

I'm going to skip over most of the Mifune pedophilia moments for the time being.

This whole conversation has begun to make me reconsider what I was previously thinking about Denji. What if the true reason he only saves women and animals is because that way he can justify not being able to save everyone. Denji cares, Alot. He couldn't save Aki. Up until the timeskip between Part 1 and 2, Denji was never really put in a situation where he had to save a lot of people. Off the top of my head the only chances he's really had were the Bat Devil, In which he chose to throw the guy and his car at the devil. Then pretty much everything else is just mass carnage or very personal stakes. So idk, Could be true, Could be false. We'll see.

Barem shows up at exactly the right time to stop Denji from vocalizing, something. It could've been an epiphany about his own identity, Or just being nice to Mifune. Hard to tell.

We all know what's about to happen, The choice for this to take place at an amusement park with a lot of panel focus going to the people and children who are around. This is going to be the point of no return for these guys. If they really go through with this, There won't be a way for them to redeem themselves. This is more than likely going to be the point in which Miri breaks off from the church. You can tell exactly how each of them feels about this situation based on their stance. It's really good silent characterization. Whip seems to be the only one who really WANTS to do this. Her stance is wide and confident. Crossed arms to try and seem tougher. Note the fact she's wearing goggles. Miri is stiff and tense, He looks visibly uncomfortable. We know he's only going along with this because of peer pressure. He's staring straight forward, Seemingly trying to ignore everything else in front of himself. It's subtle but its further evidence that he's not going to go along with this. Spear is very relaxed. He's holding something. I'm not 100% sure what it is, But based on his open mouth and the shape of it, It could be a cigarette. We don't get a very good look at his legs but he seems to be standing regularly. His expression is hard to read. It could be discontent and questioning, As he appears to be looking at the children in front of himself. It could also be a look of pure apathy and neutrality. He could either be questioning what they're about to do, Or he could not give less of a shit about it and is just doing it because. I feel like what we're going to be seeing in the next chapter is the slaughter. Whip and Spear will probably that going ham. Miro will either kill a few people or none at all before questioning what's going on and switching sides. Barem is a wild card in this situation, He could either stay by the wayside and just watch, Or he could transform and attack aswell. We'll probably see more of public safety doing their jobs. It'll also mean Mifune will have to fight. Either she'll be super competent, or she'll die. Given the fact she was assigned as Denji's personal guard she has to be rather skilled. I doubt it was solely because she's a stalker sex offender.

[lavenoon]

For funsies: what would Dawn/Dusk’s reaction be to a fellow agent attempting to drop a nickname on Robin, either stealing “little bird” or something like “honey”, “sweets” or “duck” (a legit thing in North of England, used in the same way as “miss” or “buddy”) I hope you’ve been having a good day! Have you been able to have a treat (food/drink/activity) recently? - @clxckwork-sun-n-moon

Robin isn't even aware of their scary dog privileges, but whatever agent tried that would be. Very very much aware. /hj

So assuming Robin would just kinda miss it/ not hear somehow (because otherwise they'd look at that agent in a way one would usually regard like. idk. the moldy vegetables you forgot about in your fridge drawer or something, and that in turn would make their rival just fight not to laugh at the poor sod who tried that. Robin is not friendly with any field agents except their rivals friendly being generous in reverse Dawn's case lmao)

In the case of blatant special nickname stealing - i.e. "little bird" or "little thief"?

Dusk can be scary, too, and maybe he doesn't need the sharp teeth and the thermal vision in that moment, but when a 7 1/2ft animatronic suddenly gets glowing red eyes and levels a death glare at you, you don't really think about how unnecessarily extra that is. Maybe adds in a lighthearted "Plagiarism is frowned upon, you know." That's it for then, but the feeling of being watched won't leave them any time soon, and they kind of decide getting close to the human star agent is not worth getting past the animatronic one(s)

Dawn? is regularly scary, so honestly stealing his nickname for his rival just invites trouble. The sweetest, most polite death glare you'll ever get, truly. May break something replaceable to distract from the conversation while maintaining eye contact, and whatever fool tried will know Dawn wasn't just being "clumsy"

And I know you asked for their reactions, but in the case where Robin reacts? Just tells the other agent pretty point-blank that they aren't that close, don't call them that - their respective rival has special privileges that come with actually keeping up with them, meanwhile they've never even been on a single mission with Robin. And their boys just preen, so smug about it, and totally would stick their tongue out at the agent if they had one.

If it's a more generic nickname?

Dusk wouldn't care too much (though he still is severely unimpressed), because what he has with his little bird is special, and a generic petname from a random agent really only shows how little they know Robin. If it's a repeat offender they'll also get the death glare sooner rather than later, though honestly, Robin would tell them off before Dusk would get the chance

Dawn struggles still here, since he also dabbles in the generic petnames (mostly under the guise of undercover missions, but that doesn't mean he doesn't mean them). Not amused but can't outright tell the other agent off, given that it's not obviously stolen from him, but may drop a low "Take a hint" with Robin out of earshot. (Again, that's presuming Robin didn't make it clear that petnames from unfamiliar agents won't fly).

In either cases they both may gravitate closer to Robin, just showing off that they can, that they aren't sent away, and also maybe just. A teensy tiny bit of a claim on Robin. If they ever find out they're gonna be so exasperated, but in an amused way, because really, pay attention. They aren't using nick/petnames with any other agent - that should tell them enough about how they feel about the reverse. (Dawn in particular would need the reassurance, though he wouldn't quite admit it. May lay it on thick with the petnames in return though for a while.)

I. I'm not going to add post-reveal canon Dawn and reverse Dusk, because this is already a beast LMAO. The dynamics change that even the original rivals may change their reactions in subtle ways - more assured of their presence in Robin's life, and thus more inclined to let them handle it on their own.

But I probably should go drink something, quite right - but I've had breakfast, a good lunch, and apart from work I also got a looong dog petting session! (Work was fun, too, though I won't call it a treat simply out of principle. I love kids so much though they're so cool lmao)

Will take it easy for the rest of the day, too, since it's almost dinner time, I have my rule to not push myself to create after dinner, and really, I don't need to work on a comic or a drabble every day lmao

Hope your day is going well too! Take care of yourself! <3

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

It has come to that time of year, on our Bible reading plan (Robert Roberts', if you're curious) where we approach The Song of Songs, which is Solomon's. We were listening to it in the car today and I found it fascinating to spark thoughts. It's wonderfully pure, and that was what really struck me - it's unlike a lot of the vaguely or outright NSFW stuff I hear about nowdays, which seems to exist in a cheapened and vulgarised form. Call me a prude all you like, but I maintain that. Song of Solomon is incredibly erotic (especially if you think a bit on some of the euphemisms it employs) but with a certain innocence and purity that suits the subject matter far more than the crude 'humour' popularised today.

It then caused me to consider how, if at all, it could in the future be applicable to me. The answer is at this point I don't know. I'm in no way denying that I'm female! but the truth of the matter is I do not want to be perceived as a woman, and I don't really know how that ever fits with marriage. Unfortunately I am a creature of complications and contradictions. I suppose I differentiate between being female, and being a woman, by saying that the latter is that I do not want to be perceived as a sexual or (at this point) romantic possibility for anyone (not even the boy I am interested in, but that more because I know he specifically is not interested, so I don't know, if magically his feelings changed, what would happen. Still, that's irrelevant because it sha'n't happen). But at the same time I want it very much, at least in theory. I suppose that if God sees fit to bless me with someone who would be interested in me, that it'll all work out - one way or another - even if that simply shows me that I'm more suited to be single.

Occasionally I think about the two brave lads at the church conference in January who went there with the expressed intention of finding girls to try and consider a future with. They were going around talking to all the girls they could. One determined he wasn't interested in me pretty quickly, and the other I think I accidentally scared off with what I only intended as 'hey you can leave the convo if you want I won't be offended' but hindsight suggests that it probably sounded like I was saying to get lost. Ah well! Still I think about them because I really hope they each found someone. And I vaguely wish someone would come for me, but I don't know either if I should like it, at all, or if I would even become aware of it if they were interested. I'm always weird with boys. There's the boy at work who just because he has a pleasant smile and uses it very frequently, I get weird around him and cannot meet his eyes. I wouldn't call it flustered because it's not really - just weird.

But yeah, I love Song of Solomon and think it exceedingly beautiful.

[beclynn-herondale]

Similarities that I see between Jace and Céline

(these are just my thoughts. Press read more to see them.)

↑ this chaotic energy. You think he got it from Stephen? Nah.

Her anxiety reminds me of Jace's. And like their thought process was similar in ways.

They both struggled with belonging.

Céline corrected Robert when he said "Just like a warlock. Always for sale."

And Céline was like "Always on sale."

Again Jace energy.

Céline knew Amatis, Stephen's wife. At least, she knew enough. Amatis was sharp-tongued and stuck up. She was opinionated, argumentative, stubborn, and not even that pretty. There were also rumors that she still secretly associated with her werewolf brother. Céline didn't much care about that—she had nothing against Downworlders. But she had plenty against Amatis, who obviously didn't appreciate what she had. Stephen needed someone who would admire him, agree with him, support him. Someone like Céline. If only she could make him see that for himself.

_

Jace's smile was as bland as buttered toast. "Go on, go after him. Pat his head and tell him he's still your super special little guy. Isn't that what you want to do?"

But he couldn't look at Simon without wanting to kill someone.

“And even back then, in that stupid coffee shop. When I saw you sitting on the couch with Simon, even then that felt wrong to me—i should have been the one sitting with you. The one that made you laugh like that. I couldn't get rid of that feeling. That it should have been me.”

↑ Their bitterness, anger, jealousy, and envy towards the person who had the person they wanted and in general has the same energy in my opinion.

They both were angry and jealous of people who had it better or they considered to be good—Like, that was why Jace hated Simon so much at first, because Simon was everything Jace thought he'd never get to be, he just didn't realize it.—And Céline was angry of the kids in the academy who had loving parents and good childhoods, and weren't damaged like she was—they both were angry because somebody was someone or had something they thought they'd never get to be or have. (In Céline's case she never actually got it, not really.)

They both like to wander around when upset.

They both aren't too fond of the Silent Brothers. And I think that has to do with their head being full of certain things they don't want others to know, and the Silent Brothers speak in your mind, almost like they're reading your thoughts.

They're both observant, which could be from growing up in abusive and toxic environments but could also just be they're observant people.

They both can tell when someone is off. We see this when Céline sees through Valentine's mask. Jace often saw through the lies of people in TMI and still does.

And the both hate being pitied. Like it angers them when people pity them, we see that with Jace quite often in TMI, but we see it when Dominique says this: “Every Downworlder in Paris knows about poor Céline Montclaire, wandering the city like a murderous little Éponine. We all feel a little sorry for you.”

And then Céline thought this: Céline lived with a steady, secret simmer of rage, but now she felt it boiling over.

↑ Again, the above reminds me of Jace. He lived with anger that he kept under control but would boil over when triggered.

They're both sensitive. And get hurt easily.

“I wish I could be more like you,” she admitted.

In what sense?

“You know, just shut off my feelings? Feel nothing. For anybody.”

There was a long pause, and she wondered if she had offended him. Was that even possible? Finally, his cool, steady voice spoke.

This is a wish you should dispense with. Feeling is what makes us human. Even the most difficult feelings. Perhaps especially those. Love, loss, longing—this is what it means to truly be alive.

__

“I think—my father was sorry he had a parabatai,” he said. “Now I have to go live with a man my father was sorry about. I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be sorry. I want to be the best.”

If you pretend to feel nothing, the pretense may become true, said Jem. That would be a pity.

↑ They both wished to feel nothing, and had Jem tell them that wasn't as great as they thought. But they both still desperately wanted to not feel.

When she was a child, her parents had often refused her iratzes after training sessions, especially when her injuries were caused by her own mistakes. Let the pain remind you to do better next time, they told her. All these years later she was still making the same mistakes.

_

“No! it's better for your parents not to know it happened at all. It was just bad luck that one of them got me. I'm a good fighter,” Jonathan protested sharply.

“It's my fault I got hurt,” said Jonathan. “I know excuses are for incompetents. It won't happen again.”

↑ this bit on making mistakes, or when getting hurt.

Céline always carried a misericord blade.

↑ Reminds me of someone else who always carries blades.

They both were aware of the consequences of putting a rune on someone that they weren't 100% sure were Nephilim, and it was different circumstances but they did it anyway. Jace gave Clary her first rune and Céline gave Rosemary her first rune (I think).

More furious at her own instinct for mercy. After all, her parents had never shown any to her. Her parents had done their best to teach her that mercy was weakness, and cruelty was strength.

_

Jonathan said the word "weakness" with horror. Jem wondered what a man who had drilled a boy to fight like that might have considered weakness.

↑ Mercy, kindness, gentleness, etc. Was taught as weakness to them both growing up.

They both hate being predictable. Kinda like when Rosemary knew Céline would keep her secret. Céline hated that she knew that. Remember in CoA when everyone was guessing that Jace said no to Valentine, and he hated it.

They both never really felt like they were ever a kid. Because again, the environment they grew up in forced them to grow up faster than they should have. Which is why Jace didn't think of himself as one when he threw himself into battle.

like Jace I don't think Céline liked to upset the balance of things, meaning they don't pry and don't pressure. Which often gets them labeled as "not too bright" or "unobservant" they're both observant, they just don't say it out-loud. Jace is definitely like this, but I see Céline as this too. Stephen said she always needed to be told what to do, but I don't think it was that exactly, I think she just didn't like to upset things. Which growing up in an abusive and toxic environment does that. But I think it's also just part of who they are.

That sweet and obedient daughter of the provençal countryside. They knew how devoted she was to her parents. Such a dutiful daughter.

↑ Valentine often called Jace his obedient son. I see Jace in this part as well. Sebastian called him Valentine's "sweet boy."

She could close the door on the past, start again. She could choose a life without pain, without suffering or fear.

But who would she be without pain?

This also reminds me of Jace. Obviously he did end up choosing to walk away from Valentine. But there are times he doubted, because in reality he himself didn't know who he was without the pain he'd experienced, without his past with Valentine. And they both believed that the pain and suffering had made them stronger. Jace later knows that isn't true, but I see the similarity there.

They're both said to have vulnerability about them that made you wan to protect them. To keep them safe. Jocelyn said you couldn't really hate Céline, and I think it's kinda the same with Jace.

Both of them refused to ask for help. Thinking they could do it all on their own.

Céline could tell how much it hurt—and how determined the woman was to reveal no pain. She knelt by her side. Rosemary flinched away. “Let me see—I can help."

_

“Tell me what happened first.” She tried to yank her wrist back, but his grip was incredibly strong. “I can help you.” — this is in Clary's pov.

↑ Their willingness to help the pretty stranger they didn't know.

They both often felt they didn't have a choice in some things.

They both felt achingly alone at some point. And very much misunderstood.

The thought of losing the only family they ever had scared them, and they were willing to do anything to keep them. Even if in Céline's case hers wasn't that real.

They were both said to be beautiful, and breakable. Fragile almost. These were Jocelyn's words. That beautiful things were easily broken.

They both grew up denied of love and care.

Céline had low self esteem in a lot of areas. We often see Jace as the confident character who doesn't have insecurities or low self-esteem. but he does. Jace didn't like himself, his looks don't play a part here, he didn't like himself. He actually didn't feel good enough or worth much, that's why he made so many superiority jokes, because he truly didn't feel good enough but had to make everyone believe he did. Céline didn't feel good enough either, but she tried not to let it show.

Their childhood gave them bad coping mechanisms and suicidal tendencies. They both self harmed in ways, believing that pain made you stronger is one of them.

We often look over the fact that while some of Jace's mental struggles did come from the trauma of his childhood and growing up around war, that he was already at a high risk with a mother who experienced similar things. Because if you have a parent who has mental illness the offspring are at higher risk of developing one. And his childhood didn't help with that.

And we know what they both truly wanted was to be loved and safe. Really. Jace always thought he wanted to fight all the time, but by the end of tmi he realized he just truly wanted to be happy and left alone, he just wanted Clary and his family. Céline wanted that too, but she never got it.

You all realize they would understand each other, right? Like if Cassie ever did something where they somehow met, Céline would understand Jace and he would understand her.

Céline would have never raised Jace with anything but love and care. She would have made sure he never knew a childhood like hers. But he did. He ended up knowing what that was like. And it would have broken her even more to know that.

But she would probably stab Valentine in the face, which I'd like to see.

Friendly reminder that Jace looks like her around the eyes (no I won't shut up about this.)

There's probably more but until we learn more we won't know. Just remember he may be a Herondale but Céline is also there.

@khaleesiofalicante I tagged you 😎

[sophieinwonderland]

i honestly did try to research this but either my keywords are wrong or the internet is mad at me this week, but if you get a headmate (non-trauma born) like, through willpower or whatever term you'd like to use, is there a way to stop it? as i write this i remember you're not the host/original for your group so i totally get if you're offended by this question but the idea of having someone else in my body is the cause of a lot of actual nightmares and panic attacks for me and nobody has been able to help me work through it. i'm hoping that by getting an answer, yes or no, that i can start to get a handle on this fear because it's a pretty bad fear of mine, needless to say.

my therapist is trying to do some research into the subject for me but we've had no luck between the two of us, and i'm starting to get a bit freaked out and i'm really desperate for a yes or a no even if it's a no because that would be an answer and by god do i need an answer

It probably depends on how developed they are. A new headmate might be able to be dissipated. One that's been there for a while will be much harder and could be impossible.

And this presumes a certainty that they're not traumagenic. Trying to suppress a traumagenic headmate who has existed for a long time without you being aware can have especially disastrous consequences.

For what it’s worth, newly formed headmates in endogenic systems usually can't front on their own without your consent. And while some may want to front, headmates with their own inner worlds will often have little interest in the outside world.

And if letting you maintain front is a hard boundary, most will respect that.

My best advice is to be cautious. Most of the time, headmates that form like this are ones you have a close bond with. If you attempt an involuntary dissipation, it can severely hurt your relationship if you fail.

Of course, that's for involuntary dissipation. If you talk to them about your concerns and why you're afraid, maybe they would leave of their own accord, and you can part on good terms. Then if you change your mind someday or they return of their own accord, there won't be many hard feelings.

Or maybe during this talk, they'll be able to alleviate some of your fears and you won't mind them sticking around as much.

One thing you need to know is that I've heard of tulpas who have been "dissipated" for years before coming back.

Consciousnesses are made up of memories. I think as long as their memories are stored in your brain, it's impossible to ever truly dissipate them. Perhaps fusion, while more associated with OSDD/DID systems, might be a more viable option for you. But that's not something we know a lot about.

The main thing I would say is to just talk out your problems with your headmate and then go from there.

[sylphid187]

Epilogue:Another One

Sunlight hits his face as it streams through his bedroom window. Kenma groans and tries to roll over from his current position on the bed, but finds that he has difficulty moving. He blinks his eyes open and then looks down, only to see a pair of arms draped around his waist, holding him tight. His thoughts begin to drift and he sighs fondly, remembering that he is no longer sleeping alone again, because after long weeks alone in a large house, Kuro is finally home. 

Kuro had to go on regular trips away for the JVA, that was just part of the job description. Of course, this means Kenma is usually alone at their, yes it's officially theirs now, home. Getting Apple Pie, Pie for short, has been helpful to ease the loneliness. The calico kitten has been nothing but a rumble of energy and adorable, always there to keep Kenma company. But it didn't erase the loneliness completely, and there was just no feeling that could compare to having Kuro around. 

But current events have allowed them more time together in the following months. With the V-League officially back in season, Kuro has been put in charge of attending those specific events. With most of the games being held in nearby stadiums, Kenma could actually spare some time to go watch them live with him. This was especially true when Shouyou was playing. The Jackals games were either watched live or in the comfort of their living room, at real time, while cuddled together. Kenma has never missed any of Shouyou's games. 

It's been around six months since their messy confession, give or take. Six months since they came out to the public as a couple, and the start of their rollercoaster of a relationship. They didn't have the perfect relationship, Kenma thinks. They still had misunderstandings, and sometimes they argued about the silliest things. But they never went to bed angry at one another, never slept without trying their best to settle things, in a way that won't leave either of them struggling to pick up the pieces of the fight the next day. Overall, Kenma was content and happy, and he hoped that Kuro was too. 

"Thinking about something?" Being stirred away from his thoughts, he feels Kuro mutter. The other's face buried on the top of his head, voice still groggy. 

"Hm. Nothing important." Kenma replies with another sigh. 

"Care to share then?" Kenma feels Kuro shift his position a bit, allowing the smaller male to turn around and having them face to face, before once again feeling Kuro's arms around his waist. "I'm a very good listener you know." 

"I was thinking of replacing you." Kenma states in a deadpan voice. 

Kuro gasps "Kenma! I'm offended! Only six months and you're tired of me already? Woe is me." Kuro tightens his hold and touches their noses together. "So tell me then, what do I have to do to regain your favor?" 

"You can get up and make breakfast." Kenma states. "And maybe I'll reconsider." 

Kuro immediately grins. "I knew my cooking was good for something. Here's an idea, you stay here and get some more shut eye. I'll make sure you have something to fill your empty stomach in a bit, yeah?" Kuroo starts to get up, slowly untangling himself between the mess of limbs the two of them are in. But Kenma immediately stops Kuroo and keeps him in place. "Kenma?" 

Kenma buries himself between the blanket and Kuro and snuggles closer. "Ten more minutes. Please." He just isn't ready to leave this warmth just yet. 

He feels Kuro place a kiss on the crown of his head, and hears the other give out a small chuckle of amusement. "Of course kitten, whatever you want." Kuro slowly settles back into his previous position. And it doesn't take long for sleep to overtake him again, filled with complete contentment and bliss. 

 

When Kenma wakes, it's to his stomach rumbling and the wafting smell of buttered toast and sizzling bacon. He slightly sniffs the air before opening his eyes and sighs in disappointment that he can no longer feel Kuro’s warmth beside him. Kenma allows himself to yawn and stretch before he rubs his eyes to force himself awake. He puts on slippers and pads out of the room, straight to their connected dining area and living room. 

He stops mid-step and blinks when he sees Kuro standing there, cup of coffee in one hand, and cat food on the other. 

"There you go buddy, must be tasty huh?" Kuro crouches down to place a generous amount of cat food into Pie's bowl. The kitten gives a pleased meow. "Yeah, yeah. I don't want you ever complaining to Kenma that I starve you, you hear me?" 

"Meow" Pie continues to stare at Kuro with wide eyes. 

"No! You are not getting any more this morning. We want you well fed, not extremely chunky!" 

"Meow" came with marching padding at Kuro's feet. 

"I know there's nothing wrong with being a chunky cat! But you're young and we have to make sure you eat healthy first, then maybe we can get you a nice piece of fish for dinner, how's that sound?" 

"Meow!" 

"I knew you'd see it my way. Now, go get your breakfast!" And Pie saunters off to her bowl and just about devours her meal. 

Kenma smiles at the domesticity of the entire scene. Kuro having an entire conversation with their cat, completely unaware, with all his barriers down. It reminds Kenma how easy it is to just fall into normalcy with Kuro, even with their new relationship. It's as if nothing and yet everything has changed all at once. 

"You know, I can't believe you lost an argument with a cat." 

Kuro immediately turns to face him and grins. "Excuse me, I did not lose. We just happen to reach a healthy compromise." He places his coffee mug down on the table, and starts to pour Kenma a cup of his own. He motions for Kenma to come over, and the gamer complies, ready to get his dose of morning coffee. 

"She got her way. You're giving her fish for dinner, it'll be your fault if she turns into a spoiled cat." 

"Oh come on, don't pretend that you don't sneak her pieces of your dinner from under the table." Kuro grins at him as he slides Kenma's plate of a healthy breakfast. 

He doesn't have a retort to that. because yes, he does shove Pie bits of his dinner from under the table, but Kenma would never just admit that and let Kuro win that easily. 

"I'll take your silence as an admittance of guilt." Kuro tells him. "But don't worry, at least you know she's got both of us wrapped around her finger...or is it her paw? That just doesn't sound right."  

Kenma smiles again as he shoves a piece of bacon in his mouth. He's too focused on his breakfast; that when he looks back up a while later, he sees Kuro staring from across him. The taller male's resting his chin on one hand, finished coffee mug on the other, and looking at Kenma with a look that seemed like he hung the stars. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Kenma asks. 

"Like what?" 

"Like that. Like....I don't know, like I'm some kind of mythical creature. Or like I'm the best thing you've seen all day." Kenma clarifies with a raised eyebrow. 

"You are though." Kuro says with a smile so soft, Kenma kinda wants to slap that look off his face. 

"I'm what?" he asks again. 

"Best thing I've seen all day. Best thing in my life actually." Kuro says with the smile never leaving his face. 

Kenma's face burns, he looks down and aggressively stabs the next chunk on his plate and shoves it into his mouth. He hears Kuro guffaw at this, and feels his face get even hotter. "You know kitten, any more and you'd put our old Nekoma jackets to shame with that shade of red." 

"Shut up Kuro." Kenma mutters while he throws a glare at the other's direction. Kuro just continues to smile, already knowing that there isn't any animosity in that look. 

The remainder of breakfast passes in comfortable silence, moments with Pie inserted in between. Once they're done, they do their part to clean up, and then start their other routines for the day. Kenma goes back to his room and begins to focus on paperwork with Bouncing Ball and his upcoming stream, and Kuro goes to his own room to have a meeting with people from the JVA. 

It's pretty much routine at this point. Their jobs often being the reason why they can't always spend time together 24/7. But Kenma likes to think it contributes to why he loves Kuro so much, loves being with Kuro so much. His relationship with Kuro was never something that followed a certain set of standards or locked in a set of rules. They didn't have to always see each other to be happy, they didn't have to always physically be around one another all the time to be together , and they didn't require a regular update on each other's business every time. They also never deemed it necessary to be overly public about how they felt, at least not by their standards, which probably contributed to why they took so long to acknowledge their feelings in the first place. 

Theirs is more a quiet, straightforward kind of love. One filled with silent affirmation, affection, comfort and just being there when the other needs it the most. Kenma was never loud to begin with, always just observant and aware, but he never had to be for Kuro to know how he felt. Years of knowing each other has ultimately made Kenma realize that it's always, ever, been Kuro. And it always will be. 

Later that night, as the day ends and they snuggle together on Kenma’s large bed, Kenma’s thoughts drift to how lucky and content he is. Pie has chosen to sleep in between them on the bed tonight, positioning himself slightly, just on Kenma’s stomach. He thinks of his little family that they have built together and wonders about the future they have. 

"Hey." Kuro whispers, the man's hand stroking Pie's back, coaxing the kitten into a deeper sleep. 

"Hm?" Kenma tries his best not to squish their furbaby while snuggling just a little closer to Kuro. 

"We should get Pie a companion, don't you think?" Kuro asks him. 

Kenma raises an eyebrow questioningly. "You want to get us another cat? Why?" 

Kuro shrugs "I think it'd be nice to get the little guy a friend that's all. And don't you want Pie to have a friend?" 

"We aren't getting another cat." he tells the other. Kenma is trying to dispel this impulsive decision, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he would absolutely adore another cat. Kuro simply grins and their debate that night ends at that.

Three days later though, Kuro enters their home with more cat toys, another bag of cat food, and a small burmese cat following behind him. 

"Kuro. What's that?" Kenma stares, and gives the other a look . 

"... Not another cat?" The taller male says sheepishly, as he slowly sets the purchases down.  

The black burmese cat then pads over to Kenma and goes in between his legs. It's only then that Kenma notices the wet fur and shivering body. He bends down to pet the small creature and unknowingly smiles as he does. It then pads over to Pie who is observing at the corner of the room, and begins to nuze the other kitten. Kenma sighs in defeat before looking up to see a triumphant grin on Kuro's face. 

"Hey in my defense, I went to the store to get more cat food. This little guy just followed me home." He raises his hands in resignation after he puts down all his remaining purchases. "And it was raining Kenma! I couldn't just leave him there!" 

"Good on you for saving the cat. But we can't keep him Kuro. We're busy enough as it is and we already have Pie to take care of. We'll get him cleaned up and take him to the vet then find him a good home. Maybe Bokuto and Akaashi will want to take him." Kenma stands up and gives his pants a pat down. He desperately tries not to look at the new cat too long, or he's sure to cave into the request. 

When he looks up, Kuro is right in front of him. "Aww can't we keep him?" Kuro loops an arm around Kenma's waist and touches their noses together. 

Kenma glares. "I know what you're doing. And it's not gonna work Kuro." 

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Kuro says with a smirk. 

"We aren't keeping him." And again, Kenma tells himself that this isn't exactly because he doesn't want to, but that he's trying really hard not to give into temptation, and be the responsible adult in this relationship. 

"We can afford to get another cat though right?" 

"Well, yes we can." 

"And we love cats" 

"We do." He bites his lip at this. Damnnit Kuro. 

"So we should definitely keep this one." 

"No we won't" 

Kenma realizes at this moment that he's a liar. Because he never really could deny Kuro, just like Kuro couldn't very well deny him. And when it's all said and done, and they wake up the next day and watch as their cats are also cuddled together, Kenma can't really complain. 

Their newest addition to the family fits in with them perfectly. Like two pieces of a puzzle and two halves of a whole. 

Just like Kenma and Kuro.

Always together, no longer alone. 

So yes, Of course they keep the cat.

I added a second chapter to my previous KuroKen fic. This one is just pure fluff 🥰

[solarcitymelodies]

Wowza sorry y'all about the random massive Rockafire spam, I'm pretty sure ??most?? People on here? know me for just Knight Rider because that's the only thing I've ever REALLY posted about--

but I Do Not Care it's RAE hours right now so uhhh here's some headcannons that probably aren't Canon compliant very much because I just got into RAE like last week

So like. I feel like Mitzi is a Good Amount younger than the rest of the band like she was in highschool when she joined, the rest of em were all Adults™ and she was a little bit nervous about it because...... ADULTS™

She was just lookin for a place to get her singing voice out there, because ya girl REALLY wanted to perform, and showbiz happened to have a slot open, but she did not expect all of the members to be older than her (although looking back, she realized she probably should have expected that)

It was intimidating at first but Billy Bob and Fatz were just the absolute sweetest and they introduced her properly to the rest of the band because she was like "oh I barely talk to them because I get nervous :(" and the resident dads p much said "aight we can do all the talking for you then, how about that?" And badabing badaboom she's now attached to these two and like honestly who isn't or maybe that's just me but ANYWAYS I feel like the band would become a second home/safe space for her

Yeah fr some reason I have BIG long headcannon for her joining the band but the rest of them? Nobody knows how they got there for all I know they just Showed Up One Day

Also I came across this

https://youtu.be/UU7BeUWQBDI

Which got me thinkin about what my headcannons were as far as sexuality/gender stuff

And I find the concept of Billy Bob being Very Much Straight And Ignorant but trying his hardest to be a good ally SO funny like if someone came out to him he'd probably be like "oh!! I don't understand why you would choose that lifestyle but I respect you!!" not realizing how incredibly stupid he sounds sjkrjh like I don't think he can very easily wrap his head around how people are just. not cishet. so he's like "OH then it must be a choice, right? like you can choose to be gay but you're born straight. Right?" and everyone just shakes their heads in the background but he does earnestly try his best and my man would rather DIE than disrespect someone's pronouns I know this for sure

Fatz is pretty similar, straight ally and a lil confused but he's got the spirit, you know? He still least knows being gay (as well as,,, m o s t sexualities that aren't straight, although some he doesn't get/know about at all) isn't a choice but he hasn't quite grasped that being trans is also not a choice. He will respect your pronouns to hell and back but by god he doesn't get it,,, he's trying though and he feels very accomplished in himself that he's starting to get the hang of using they/them even though he slips up a lot

The rest of the band encourages the HELL out of these two because they're. Trying their best and making an honest effort which is more than a pretty good chunk of people would give

Rolfe, Earl, and Dook are the reasons Billy Bob and Fatz are trying so hard to understand it lmao

Rolfe took it upon himself to hang up a MASSIVE gay pride flag backstage, being the flaming homosexual that he is, and the rest of the squad quickly realized "oh he's GAY gay he wasn't kidding" because at first they literally thought he was joking as he was actually just being openly and obnoxiously a raging mlm (and like I mean no shade to him this isn't me tryna to make fun of it because my dumb sapphic ass almost crashed my car once because I saw a pretty girl walk down the street. And by "once" I mean. Yesterday.) Anyways yeah that's when the rest of em Realized and were like "OH" but after the massive pride flag was hung up that prompted Dook to come out and they were all like "???? YOU TOO????"

Dook is a non-binary ICON he's a demiboy and goes by both he/him and they/them and probably would have a bunch of pride pins I think,,, I'm not really sure of his sexuality though!! honestly he kinda gives me bisexual vibes but Who Knows . Not me. He has a HELL of a time trying to explain his gender to the rest of the band (except for Rolfe because like. He's a part of the community so he knows) and basically he was met with "so you're just a dude but ✨spicy✨?" and it was like, "no, but I have no idea how to explain it in a way that will make sense to you, so. yes?" And that explanation seemed to suffice for most of them

Mitzi went in knowing NOTHING about what being non-binary was so she asked a l o t of questions about it, which Dook just kinda dealt with answering (he's heard most of it before, and it gets tiring after a while. if you're nb or trans or honestly any part of LGBTQ+ you know what I mean) but he thought it was really sweet of her to be so determined to learn about it and eventually she did get a grasp on it ish, so she was able to understand why it wasn't just ✨spicy male✨ (the conversation pretty much went "well if i was just male, don't you think I would label myself that way instead?" "....oH TRUE!!!") and she ended up a VERY passionate ally, and she'll ask occasionally about how to be better at it, bein a queen as she is 👉👉 also definitely started questioning her sexuality after a while and just went with "maybe bicurious" and Rolfe, Dook, and Earl were all like "ONE OF US, ONE OF US"

Earl has never once spoken about his sexuality in his life, because 1. He's very aware that's an awkward conversation to have with a puppet, and 2. He's aroace anyways, which is basically what people assume even if they don't realize it just for their own peace of mind, because seriously, puppets and any identity that ISN'T aroace creates a really uncomfortable mental image for... Most people, pretty much. So it's not like he ever needed to say anything about it, which is convenient for him because he wouldn't want to say anything either way. not worth the risk of embarrassing himself and making everyone feel awkward

(side note ish though Rolfe 100% came out to Earl first and was met with "I already knew that but okay." Rolfe was mildly offended)

And spEAKING OF EARL he's VERY much sentient but he can't say he's particularly enthusiastic about it because Rolfe has to carry him around everywhere

He can move on his own but it's limited and generally annoying to maneuver around with his tiny body so he just says screw it half the time and stays on Rolfe's arm or hitch a ride on Random Object, but like... Yeah, the majority of the time Rolfe just has to deal with only having one arm available and a puppet directly next to him making fun of him at every possible chance

They high-key have chaotic and unorganized college roommate vibes (like they're actually roommates because... Where tf is Earl supposed to go?? So Rolfe took him in) and idk if this is really like a part of my headcannons or if I just think it's funny so I keep entertaining the idea of it but I think it would be Fantastic if Rolfe had no idea how to cook but Earl somehow did so this idiot is trying to take instructions from a puppet, who can't physically show him what to do, and it's like Hell's Kitchen live featuring a furry and a sentient stuffed animal

Aaaaamd going off of my Rolfe and Earl headcannons still Rolfe for SURE has some sort of executive dysfunction issue. ADD or ADHD I'm not sure (probably ADHD) but he definitely has it also this totally isn't just me projecting how dare you accuse me of that

And!!! More about Dook!!!! I don't know how or why I thought up of this but I cannot possibly imagine him any other way now-- he's autistic and space is his Big Huge special interest, and if you ever ask him about it you have to be prepared to get infodumped or possibly even shown a PowerPoint presentation, because GOD he loves space!!! He wants everyone to know all about it!! He knows not everyone thinks it's as cool as he does so he tries to keep his mouth shut but when someone asks about it he can't help himself and will infodump a LOT, also haha drumming stims go brrrr, playing the drums isn't really a stim but he likes to just take his drumsticks and whack em around in the air and get that good ol Wavy Arm Action (wavy arms is best stim change my mind you can't it's GOOD)

Also i bbbbelieve earlier I reposted somethin about someone else headcannoning that he has echolalia, which I don't really know enough about to say anything on it?? But even if he doesn't have echolalia he'd probably repeat phrases over and over until he gets tired of them (which is,,, something I do lmao, it's either memes I get stuck in my head or things I've heard from various medias I like the inflections in (like one tiktokker I saw was talking about their tourettes and their vocal tics and one of them was "uh oh! How unfortunate!" and now I CAN'T STOP SAYING IT)) but like uhhh yeah :))) repeating phrases that get stuck in your head for various reasons for the win

This is already really long so I'm just gonna vibe out thanks for coming to my Ted talk feel free to ask questions I probably won't be able to answer a lot of em though because my headcannons are a Mess hehe >:)

[chalkstardust]

⬤: being called soft things like baby, sweetheart or honey Would love this for Newmann love your stuff!

⬤: being called soft things like baby, sweetheart or honey (from this prompt list)

Aw, thank you! Sorry this is took a little while, work last week pretty much sapped all of my energy... tho I partly used that as inspiration while writing. Anyway! I hope you enjoy it :)

---

Newt's woken, partly by the warmth of sunlight on his face, and partly by the sound of movement on the other side of the bed. Hermann's either already awake, or still awake, possibly. It wasn't a particularly good night for him.

"Did you get any sleep?" Newt mumbles, fumbling for his glasses.

"Not much, I'm afraid," Hermann admits, and Newt can hear the weariness in his voice. "Maybe two or three hours, on and off."

Newt rolls over to face him, noting the dark circles under his eyes and the fatigue clear on his face, and feels a pang of guilt. "Why'd you let me fall asleep, then? I was gonna stay up with you."

"That's very sweet," Hermann says, "but I figured at least one of us ought to get some rest. Enough to function normally, at any rate."

"Wait, are you calling me normal?" Newt places a hand on his chest, mock-offended.

A smile tugs at Hermann's lips. "I wouldn't dream of it."

"How are you feeling?" Newt asks him. "Does it still hurt?"

Hermann had spent the majority of the previous day going up and down his ladder, writing and re-writing equation after equation on his boards. Almost like the world depended on it, which Newt supposes is true enough. The breach might be closed, but Hermann (and the PPDC) won't be satisfied until he's sure the chances of it opening up again are slim to none.

No matter how many times Newt insisted he take a break, Hermann had refused to stop until he was done. So it was hardly surprising when, that night, the pain in his leg flared up in a big way, his back ached, and his arms were sore. Despite his pain medication, and Newt's efforts to make Hermann as comfortable as possible—giving him a massage, getting him extra pillows—apparently he'd still ended up sleeping horribly.

"A little," he says, after a moment. "Mostly I'm just... very tired."

"Yeah, no kidding," Newt nods, sympathetic. "Anything I can do, babe? Need some more pillows, maybe?"

Hermann chuckles softly. "I think I have more than enough already, thank you."

Yeah, admittedly, Newt might have overdone it with the pillows. While this isn't the first time that Hermann's been in this kind of pain, it's the first time since they've been together, and Newt just wants to take care of him. Not that he didn't try and help out before, but now... well, now it's different. He wants to be a good boyfriend.

"How about another blanket?" Newt suggests. He knows Hermann likes to be warm, and that might help him fall asleep. "Or maybe some tea? I could turn the heat up too—"

"Please, darling, it's fine," Hermann says. "Really, you don't have to fuss over me."

"But that's my job."

"I"m quite sure that it isn't."

"Breach is closed," Newt reminds him. "I'm basically retired now, so I'm all yours. And anyway, it's the weekend. I don't have anywhere to be, do you?"

"No," Hermann sighs, lying back against the pillows, "but I had hoped to be more... productive than this."

"You don't need to be productive, you need a break," Newt says. "You deserve a break. The world's not ending anymore, you can afford to slow down."

"I suppose..." Hermann agrees, though he doesn't sound all that happy about it. Newt understands, at least to some degree—he's also pushed himself too hard before, and felt like crap afterward, but knows it isn't the same. He's aware that he'll never completely understand what Hermann goes through on these kinds of days, that all he can do is try and help however he can. Throughout their years of working together, even during their worst fights, he's always hated to see Hermann hurting, in any way. Even if there isn't that much that Newt can do about it, even if all he can do is be there for him.

"I can put on a movie or something, if you want."

"Ah," Hermann winces, "that might not be the best idea. I can feel a headache starting..."

That, Newt definitely understands. The same thing happens to him when he doesn't sleep well, or enough. He climbs out of bed to get Hermann a couple of aspirins and a glass of water, stopping to draw the curtains closed on his way. It's pretty bright outside, which might do more harm than good right now.

"Thank you, dear," Hermann says, once Newt returns. "And I'm sorry... I don't think I'll be able to do much today."

Once Hermann downs the pills and water, he hands Newt the empty glass, which Newt places on the nightstand before getting back into bed with him. "That's okay. We don't have to do anything, we can stay right here."

"Could you just... talk to me?"

"Sure," Newt says. "About what?"

Hermann shrugs. "Anything. I find the sound of your voice soothing."

Newt can't help but laugh at that. "My voice?"

"Yes," Hermann says, frowning slightly. "I happen to like it very much."

"Aw, sweetheart."

Hermann's frown changes into a smile. "I like it when you call me that."

"Sweetheart?" Newt asks, matching Hermann's smile with one of his own.

"Mm-hm."

Newt leans down to kiss him gently. "Did you know," he says, running his fingers through Hermann's hair, "that the term 'sweetheart' originated in the thirteenth century? It comes from the Middle English swete hert, which meant 'fast beating heart' since, y'know... love makes our hearts beat faster. It's one of the most enduring terms of endearment."

"I did not." The corners of Hermann's eyes crinkle, the way they do when he's particularly pleased about something. "How charming."

"And everyone said that degree in linguistics wouldn't come in handy."

"Well, you've certainly proved them wrong." Hermann tries to stifle a yawn, unsuccessfully.

"Am I boring you?" Newt teases.

"Not at all," Hermann insists. "Tell me more."

"Okay." Newt rearranges the pillows a little and moves closer. Hermann shifts so that he's got one arm around Newt's waist, snuggling against him.

"You're very soft," he comments. 

Newt grins. "Better than a pillow?"

Hermann nods, closing his eyes. "Much better."

After pulling the blanket back up over both of them, Newt proceeds to explain the different functions of language, or at least, the parts he can remember. To be fair, that one was a few PhDs ago. It doesn't really matter though. In no time at all, Hermann is sleeping soundly.

Newt isn't too tired himself, but he's happy to lie there for as long as he's needed. He closes his eyes, listening to the sound of Hermann breathing quietly, and feeling his partner's heart beat in harmony with his own.

[punkscowardschampions]

Amber & Cosmo

Amber: [Okay so OG he finds her in Dash's room obvs he's not there like lowkey ransacking it and then we started the convo after that of her being like I'm not a burglar or a bunny boiler just for your info] Cosmo: [we know you're just walking away 'cos could not care less about your brother and his ridiculous life] Amber: not a stalker but realise getting in your inbox to claim that is a defeat.... Cosmo: you're in the wrong room, if you are Amber: it's the right room to get my zip back, information you don't need to alibi me, but can have because it's the right thing to do too Cosmo: I don't care Cosmo: as long as you keep your haul limited to his room and his shit Amber: I'm only taking back what's mine, not a burglar either Amber: window entry was just flare Cosmo: and if you knocked, you wouldn't be let in Amber: you don't want a conventional first meeting or impression, I'm fine with that Cosmo: all cold callers say they ain't Cosmo: we haven't had the jehovas in for a cup of tea either Amber: I don't work in a call centre or leaflet for any organised religions Amber: yet Cosmo: dream big Cosmo: just need to organize them and their thoughts Amber: organisation isn't my forte but dreaming in any size Amber: that I can do Cosmo: you don't say Amber: do you have something you wanna say? Cosmo: Neither in your house nor your inbox so no Amber: relax, I won't be in your house much longer Cosmo: You're telling me to relax Cosmo: I could've called the police Cosmo: see what they reckon to not a burglar Amber: but you didn't and I'll be gone before they get here if you decide to now Amber: you know, passive aggression towards me is one thing, but threatening a real act of... Cosmo: I don't see how breaking and entering, actually doing so, is less than a threat Cosmo: but I haven't, and I'm not going to, but you can still leave as fast as if I have Amber: I'm not scary, you don't have to feel unsafe Cosmo: I'm not scared of you Amber: so you aren't under threat Amber: not like say, a non-white person against the police Cosmo: My property is Cosmo: and other people live here Amber: once I have my property back, I'll leave Amber: Dash's dirty laundry is a greater threat to me than I am to it Cosmo: if it's drugs, it'll be long gone Amber: not in this amount Amber: he won't have had time Amber: yet Cosmo: so you're a dealer Cosmo: chalk it up to a loss Cosmo: you aren't the only one he knows, nor the only girl he'd share with Amber: no, it's for personal use Amber: but that doesn't mean solely his personal use Cosmo: or yours Cosmo: if you don't make them pay, the lines are bound to get blurred Amber: it's a clear line, don't steal from me Cosmo: so is knocking and yet here you are Cosmo: hardly surprising he doesn't pay attention to rules either, is it Amber: next time, boy Cosmo: next time, I'll make sure I'm out Amber: so more like last time Cosmo: if you're that stupid, sure Amber: if you're gonna be this rude, I'll be sure to avoid you, yes Cosmo: I'm rude? He's the one that stole your shit to do with someone else Amber: he's rude too, does that make you feel better? Cosmo: you're here unapologetically and still, uninvited Cosmo: got no business telling me who's rude, especially when I'm well aware of what a cunt he is Amber: you surprised me! I haven't asked for an apology Amber: and he invited me in a few days ago, but if you'd like me to concede, I'll do it Amber: well aware I shouldn't be here Cosmo: you aren't getting an apology, why the hell do you think you deserve one Amber: because I was 😨😱 Amber: don't sneak up on girls you haven't even said hello to Cosmo: it's my house Cosmo: I weren't the one sneaking anywhere Amber: I'm not high, I know I don't live here Cosmo: That's a start Cosmo: good for you Amber: thanks Cosmo: 👍 Amber: your validation is such an unexpected bonus 🍒🍨 Cosmo: calm down Amber: has telling a girl what to do ever worked for you? Cosmo: how did telling me to relax work for you? Cosmo: apologies your race and sex cards haven't been winners Amber: I wasn't telling you to relax because I can't handle your emotions Amber: is the difference Cosmo: yeah, because that's relevant Amber: why isn't it? Amber: if you can't read my tone Cosmo: I don't want to handle your bullshit Cosmo: there's no difference Amber: and I don't want you to work yourself up over someone you haven't met and don't need to see again Amber: that's for your sake, not mine Amber: the key difference Cosmo: yeah, that's what you all say Cosmo: how considerate of you Amber: I can come through your windows without being some BIG BAD Cosmo: you think you get to decide that? Amber: no Amber: but I can decide to try and leave you with an impression that's less...THAT...can't I? Cosmo: you don't need to try for someone you haven't met and don't need to see again Cosmo: why would you Amber: oh so you get to decide about me AND who I try for, along with why Amber: that makes sense, thanks Cosmo: I'm pointing out your hypocrisy Cosmo: see what that pisses you off Cosmo: but there's no need, telling you that for your sake, not my own Amber: I'd like to meet you, there's the flaw in what you're trying to do Amber: you can keep pointing instead of shaking hands if you want to though Cosmo: Why Cosmo: we have nothing in common, that's obvious without doing more than looking Amber: why do we need to have anything in common to do more than look? Amber: it's just an introduction Cosmo: there's no point Cosmo: it's exchanging pleasantries that isn't going anywhere Cosmo: we've avoided that, it's a good thing Amber: cynic Amber: we could go somewhere together Cosmo: doing labels now, are we Amber: you have been since you 👀 Cosmo: I've not called you shit Cosmo: but a dealer, which was evidence based Amber: I'm not gonna pretend I don't feel your digs at me Cosmo: I'm not your kind of person, you ain't mine Cosmo: no need to get upset about it Amber: what is my kind of person? Amber: that's a really strange thing to say Cosmo: my brother etc Cosmo: why is that strange? Amber: because it is Amber: I've slept with him once, so I see why you would go there, but I've also set foot outside of the commune Cosmo: you still prefer the people who live there, don't you Amber: I like plenty of people who live there, I like plenty of people I go to school with too Cosmo: copout Amber: if you desperately need me to admit there's plenty of idiots who live there, I can, that's true Cosmo: don't need you to do anything Amber: then why are you like this? Cosmo: excuse me Amber: if you don't need anything from me, like to go away as an obvious guess, you should be fine to talk to me Amber: but you're not so Amber: I'm just asking Cosmo: because, as we've already discussed, there's no point talking Amber: okay, stop Cosmo: I'm not doing anything Amber: you're replying to me, if you don't want to, stop Cosmo: have you gone Amber: no Cosmo: fucking hell Amber: you could help me look Cosmo: I could Cosmo: but I'm telling you, it's gone Cosmo: [showing up and standing in the doorway like 😒] Amber: [just casually jumping out of her skin when she realises he's there unannounced because not expecting him to actually come] Cosmo: [making a move forward 'cos not trying to scare her or be that kind of dick but like, what can you say or do so moving back almost as quick, looking around Dash's room in disgust casually] Amber: [loling but at herself not him obviously and continuing to look even though you know he's right and it is not likely to be here] Cosmo: [leaning against the door frame 'cos tall and folding your arms 'you should just take something of his and make it even'] Amber: [looking at him and then around the room like what though] Cosmo: [shrugs like it's all shit to me, there must be something you want though] Amber: [doing a pouty face like you're meant to be helping me because lbr there's nothing she wants] Cosmo: [reluctantly steps in and sighs like right, let's see 'how much was it worth, roughly?'] Amber: ['I didn't buy it, my dad did' her own sigh 'he's gonna be upset with me' aggressively keeps searching] Cosmo: ['say he stole it, then he can be upset with him' like duh but also, don't freak out] Amber: ['that's fine until your brother thinks he's upset with him because he didn't call me back or whatever outdated notion he thinks my dad thinks in'] Cosmo: [shakes his head like 🙄] Amber: [goes to sit on the window ledge like I'll just leave] Cosmo: [goes in his pocket to get his wallet like, how much 'some of his clothes that aren't trashed are pretty expensive'] Amber: [such an offended look like you better not offer me cash rn boy but looking through his wardrobe halfheartedly because you are annoyed and forlorn that Dash would be a dick like this] Amber: [I like to imagine an avalanche of shit falls out and nearly kills her lol so that stops that] Cosmo: [an amused lol 'not much point trashing the place' kicking some pile of trash over like, he'll never notice] Amber: ['I should've come in a maid outfit, you'd have let me in' oh the double meaning there gal] Cosmo: [a look like did you just 'can't afford to give you that much, sorry' and another shrug] Amber: [looks him up and down like your clothes look expensive too and softly tuts but then lols because we're not serious obvs] Cosmo: ['what?' like what are you looking at, what are you laughing at, either way we're uncomfortable] Amber: [shakes her head but not in a 🙄 way just like genuinely don't worry about it] Cosmo: ['what will your dad do?'] Amber: [does her best impression of a disappointed hippie dad] Cosmo: ['you'll live then' quiet 'cos dad disappointment is no joke here] Amber: ['harmless is his entire vibe, for sure' because it is 'I'm here for me' but shrugs like I guess I'll have to give up though] Cosmo: ['you like him, do you?'] Amber: ['my dad?' a confused look like obviously I love him what do you mean] Cosmo: ['no' and looks around the room like this dickhead, clearly] Amber: [a laugh like oh okay 'not any more'] Cosmo: [tuts 'you laugh a lot'] Amber: ['is that a crime too?' but said in an amused way] Cosmo: [shakes head 'just weird' but does a half-smile at her] Amber: [fully smiles back at him like he's given her a compliment and goes downstairs to get herself some juice or something because forever making ourselves at home/treating this place like a hotel in the spirit of the OG convo] Cosmo: rude not to say goodbye Amber: it's not, I'm coming back Cosmo: what do you mean Amber: I'm not saying goodbye when I haven't left Amber: yet Cosmo: what are you doing Amber: [a photo of the inside of the fridge] Amber: do you want a drink too? Cosmo: do you always make yourself at home like this Amber: do you mind? Cosmo: bit late if I did Amber: but I can leave my glass here, walk back up and you can retrace my steps to bring it to me if you do Cosmo: I owe you hospitality? Cosmo: nah Amber: are you going to answer my question or just your own? Cosmo: I did Cosmo: you've got your drink now Cosmo: enjoy it Amber: would you like one or not, because you didn't tell me that Cosmo: I'm fine Amber: [enough time to have drank her juice shelby, wash and dry the glass and put it away and then she's back] Cosmo: [just looking at her like what the fuck but not saying anything] Amber: [just looking at him like what excuse me for being thirsty sir] Cosmo: [shaking his head like never mind 'cos not getting into that again 'what are you gonna do then?'] Amber: [shaking her head back like idk 'go home'] Cosmo: ['you can leave through the door, like' like you didn't need to come back up then 'thought you were gonna fuck up his shit or something' and shrugs like why did you then] Amber: ['you wanted a goodbye first' mirrors his shrug but is smiling and not in a mard, pushes one of his skateboards along the floor and it doesn't move cos there's so much shit everywhere like I think he's trashed this room/his stuff enough tbh] Cosmo: [😳😒 'I didn't WANT anything' puts his feet on top of it like he's gonna jump and break it 'twat' but said under his breath not to her] Amber: ['well I don't want you to think I'm rude' looks around like why does he have so many skateboards when he literally only needs one] Cosmo: [looks at what she's looking at and shrugs 'dad went through a buying-our-love phase and he was only too happy to take advantage of it, of course' picks one up and spins the wheels 'these are custom, you know' and rolls his eyes with the wheels like, why even] Amber: ['what did you get?' because genuinely curious, then has a ponder about what he's just said 'I don't think I can carry all of these even if I use the door to leave' because thinking she's gonna have to take every skateboard away lol] Cosmo: [does not reply, looking 'round the room with more vigor 'there's a special screwdriver for it, somewhere in here'] Amber: [googles what it looks like so she knows and then takes however long to find it and holds it up triumphantly with a mischievous face on] Cosmo: [smiles back like that's the one] Amber: [tries to do it but clearly is struggling so gotta hand over the tool and the task even if you are adorably pouty about it] Cosmo: [not at all smugly taking all these wheels off and throwing them at her] Amber: [😠 like can you not throw shit at me please but also because of how effortlessly he's doing it when she could not again looking adorable though soz gal] Cosmo: [doing an awh face at her] Amber: [throwing something from Dash's floor at him because she's not a chill hippie stereotype soz parentals] Cosmo: [probably catching it, damn reflexes] Amber: [when you're more impressed than you are fuming now like okay boy damn are you a superhero] Cosmo: [shrugs 'football'] Amber: ['you're the one who stops everyone else having fun' like it makes sense why he's so grumpy, not really what a goalkeeper is babe but go off] Cosmo: [a look like you what 'cos does not get it, then when he gets it shaking his head like oh, but no 'not the only one that needs decent reflexes though'] Amber: [🤔 face 'are you the scorer?' we out here knowing all the football terminology bye] Cosmo: [lols a bit but not harshly like omg you don't know 'cos not that dick, just amused, but go off about this nerdy football jargon I simply do not understand, pretty sure you were some variation of centre-forward which can be striker, can be attacking midfielder, whatever, and his shirt number was 9] Amber: [asking questions because you're interested and like learning new shit which makes her the anti wag, we're having a lovely time] Cosmo: [The No.9 is usually given to a football team's centre forward or main striker, a prolific goalscorer in any given formation, especially the likes of 4-3-3, 4-2-2 or 4-2-3-1. Purely putting this here so I might remember lmao but yes, have a convo with someone who ain't your dad/squad mates] Amber: [she's literally forgotten why she's even here, hotel california not cos you can't leave but because you don't wanna gal] Cosmo: [finding Dash's most expensive t-shirt or hoodie or whatever and putting all the wheels in it like a makeshift bag for her, flinging the boards out the still opened window like job done there then] Amber: ['what should I do with these?' again a genuine question 'other than stringing one onto a necklace' because we know her aesthetic and I remember she literally left one for him after this OG so I'll have to find that and look] Cosmo: ['juggle?' 'cos truly, what can you do with them 'could make a treasure hunt for him, but then he'll know you're upset with him and it'll be the dad situation all over again' ] Amber: [does try juggling with them and isn't terrible but isn't like circus ready lol 'I'll make it for you, you'd love finding one in your football shoe, wouldn't you?' smiling because plays into the stalker thing but also is just a fun mental image] Cosmo: ['leave it out' but in an amused way, not actually terrified lol] Amber: ['but if I attach them to the bottom, you could rollerskate after the ball' imagine please lol] Cosmo: ['just slow me down' #flex but like 'don't actually fuck with my boots, tah'] Amber: [a face like yeah okay boy but we're #into the flex really 'okay, fine, wouldn't wanna be rude' gathering all your shit together 'time to check out' because hotel refs needed] Cosmo: [just looking up like oh, okay, 'cos this has been surreal af] Amber: [kissing him on the cheek as a thank you and a goodbye] Amber: [sends him a series of pictures of his name spelled out in skateboard wheels like each letter in different locations, not knowing he doesn't fuck with his name heavily] Cosmo: marks and validation for creativity, stalker Cosmo: but no one calls me that, you'd know that if you were a good one Amber: what do they call you? 🚀🪐💫⭐️ Cosmo: Haynes Cosmo: or 9 Amber: because you've got that many lives? Cosmo: shirt number Cosmo: but I'll take that favourable comparison Amber: if I had a bedroom I'd let you in through the window 😼 boy Cosmo: where do you sleep? Cosmo: or get any privacy, for that matter Amber: privacy for what? Amber: I like the hammocks when those are free Cosmo: what do you think you need privacy for Amber: if you're talking about sex, you know the answer Amber: I wasn't visiting your house to talk about the bible, remember Cosmo: I weren't Amber: no mothers have any time alone in the bathroom and they survive 9️⃣ Cosmo: there's reason most people don't live like that Cosmo: and a reason cults do Cosmo: you've got fuck all time to yourself and your own thoughts Amber: do you only have time to yourself on the 🚽? Cosmo: no, 'cos I've got a room, and a bed that's my own Amber: they don't like, put trackers under our skin, I can go wherever I want Amber: if I'd enjoy some privacy for whatever reason Cosmo: that's sad Amber: why are you sad about it? Cosmo: that's the bare minimum a home is meant to be Amber: it's a safe place, there's food, running water, warmth Amber: plenty of homes are overcrowded Amber: if I had brothers and sisters taking up the space you wouldn't think that was 👽 Cosmo: don't tell me what I'd think Cosmo: 'cos yeah, that is weird as well Amber: I understand not wanting to share a room with Dash Cosmo: funny Amber: have you ever had to? Cosmo: I get that you're like obsessed with him Cosmo: but ask him Cosmo: I don't want to talk about him Amber: I was asking a question, about you, he would've just happened to be there Cosmo: why does it matter? Amber: why do you have to fiercely guard something you don't think matters? Amber: it's 'normal' for me to have never had my own room and it's 'normal' for you to have your own Cosmo: yeah, and my normal actually is Amber: ⭐ Cosmo: whatever Cosmo: go talk to him Amber: my dad's a teacher, you can have a sheet of them if you want Cosmo: I'm alright, thanks Amber: can I come and watch you play? Cosmo: why would you want to Amber: because you don't want to talk to me and it's a way we won't have to but I still get to get to know you Amber: and it'd be fun, I assume Cosmo: I've been a dick to you this whole time Cosmo: you should up your standards Amber: so no, I can't 👀⚽? Amber: unfriendly Cosmo: nice pun Cosmo: I can't stop you coming to a match Cosmo: but only girlfriends come to practice and the coaches hate that anyway Amber: but if you don't want me holding up a piece of cardboard cut into the shape of a 9 then I won't Amber: makes sense why you wouldn't if your girlfriend is gonna be there Cosmo: you just want an excuse to do some arts and crafts, I get it Cosmo: don't have one currently so no Amber: I would like something to do, thanks for offering Cosmo: what, they let you get bored, do they Amber: it's not summer camp Amber: just because I have to sleep outside Cosmo: thought you had shelter Cosmo: sleeping outside in this country is fucking abuse, like Amber: I don't always want to share a bed, please don't report me to my hippie overlords Amber: but you know, there's this technique called layering, it probably isn't aerodynamic enough for you to have heard of it... Cosmo: bollocks layering you're homeless Amber: I have an address any time you wanna send me 💌 Cosmo: be serious Cosmo: that's a shit state of affairs Amber: it's not my fave or my least fave Cosmo: why'd you tell me this Amber: you asked me where I sleep Cosmo: I've got enough to stress on Amber: you don't need to include me in whatever is stressing you out, okay? Amber: I'm fine, most days good Cosmo: I ain't like him, alright Cosmo: I don't reckon anything about the way you live is cool or even alright Amber: it isn't always cool but I doubt the way you live always is either Amber: my parents are happy here, I'm not unhappy enough here to leave yet Cosmo: what about how I live wouldn't be cool Amber: I don't know Amber: I don't know your life Cosmo: yeah, you don't Amber: you can have an apology if you'll take it Cosmo: I'm just not looking for any more worry Amber: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Amber: there's 9 if I can count Cosmo: it's fine Cosmo: you seem nice Cosmo: you really shouldn't go around with my brother Amber: I'm not giving him any more chances, bad sex is one thing but bad manners... Cosmo: 😂 Cosmo: Swear, we were actually raised to have some of the latter Cosmo: I just Cosmo: dunno, with you Amber: I'm just a girl, you've been around those before, haven't you? Cosmo: piss off Cosmo: 'course I have Amber: so you don't have to worry Cosmo: sounds convincing, stalker Amber: how else would you like me to do it when you don't want me around? Cosmo: are you offended? Amber: no, I just don't know what I've done wrong Amber: it wasn't even your window Amber: or any of your stuff Cosmo: I don't like him Cosmo: I thought you were friends with him, so I didn't like you Cosmo: but if you ain't, I guess you can be alright Amber: I thought he was my friend too but I don't treat mine like that Cosmo: sorry Cosmo: he's a prick Amber: not your sorry to hand out but thanks Amber: I feel kinda stupid Cosmo: I wouldn't bother Cosmo: he chats like he's nice, does it with everyone Cosmo: but he's selfish, so he'll always put himself first even when he chats like you're mates or whatever else bollocks Amber: everyone chats like he's something but he's really something else Amber: and I fell for it 🥤 Cosmo: 🙄 Cosmo: he chats like he's something Amber: that too Cosmo: fuck him Cosmo: his loss, yeah Amber: I did and it was my loss Amber: he enjoyed himself Cosmo: don't Amber: no more details, but I don't want you to think I'm bad at it Cosmo: I don't wanna hear about my brother's sex life, you mean Amber: I'm stopping Amber: you don't have to hear about it Cosmo: 👌 Amber: [sends him a picture of wheels spelling out that emoji as best she can] Amber: I had some left Cosmo: steal a ⭐ Amber: [picture of it on her face however much later when she's back] Cosmo: cute Cosmo: does your dad teach at your school or what? Amber: he teaches everyone here who doesn't go to school Cosmo: ahh Cosmo: but you do Cosmo: you go to the same school as Dash? Amber: yes Cosmo: oof Cosmo: unlucky Amber: we're not in the same year, I have that much luck Cosmo: that is something Cosmo: he probably don't show much Amber: what's your school like? because I'm picturing the hunger games but with ⚽ Cosmo: only if you don't keep up with your work and footie Cosmo: not gonna get 💀 otherwise Cosmo: it's good Amber: how did you get in? Cosmo: you get spotted, then you do trials Amber: when you're a kid? Cosmo: the school is normal high school ages Cosmo: but younger the better in terms of getting on a team, getting your skills out there and seen Amber: how old were you? Cosmo: my dad played Cosmo: so soon as I could kick a ball and not fall over it, like Amber: so you don't want me to come and watch you because your dad will be there? Cosmo: I don't not want you to come Cosmo: just don't think you'd enjoy it Amber: why? Cosmo: it's 90 minutes, you know Amber: I'm not a goldfish Cosmo: I'm not saying that Amber: I think I liked it better when you called me a dealer over a useless stoner Cosmo: Come on Cosmo: I meant, all the girls get bored Cosmo: but you aren't going to like that either, are you Amber: are you 'not like other girls' ing me or calling me an over enthusiastic 🤓 now? I can't tell Cosmo: maybe you are a nerd Cosmo: wouldn't chess be more your scene? Amber: I'm not that ravenclaw Cosmo: definitely a massive 🤓 Amber: is your tone being endearing or unfriendly? Cosmo: I'm taking the piss Cosmo: not in a totally unfriendly manner Amber: slytherin energy Cosmo: oi Cosmo: they're the villains, that IS rude Amber: in the films because they were worried about attention spans too Cosmo: it's not an attention issue stopping me reading, however many books there was Cosmo: it's time Amber: not a big reader either Amber: we have something in common! Cosmo: sounds fake, nerd Cosmo: what do you like doing? Amber: the first things that came to mind were swimming and dancing, which makes me sound like I'm 9 Cosmo: not at all Cosmo: though it's pretty 'not like other girls' of you to not reply 📱🛍💅 or have no answer at all Amber: is it? Cosmo: girls I know, anyway Cosmo: not that that's my top chat-up line or anything Amber: well now you have to give me your top chat up line Cosmo: 😂 Amber: please! Cosmo: nah, not going to work outside of a club Cosmo: cold light of day or whatever Amber: I thought the whole appeal of clubs was supposed to be not being able to hold a conversation over the music Amber: not that I'm speaking from experience Cosmo: you don't do clubs? Cosmo: but precisely, loses its charm if you can actually hear the words Amber: I haven't yet Cosmo: you like dancing Amber: nobody from school has asked me Amber: probably because we live in the middle of nowhere Cosmo: cost a fortune in cabs Cosmo: you wanna go? Amber: if it means I get to hear the chat up line Amber: but seriously, yes, I do Cosmo: alright Cosmo: I'll take you Cosmo: as you like dancing so much Amber: 🙃 Amber: when? Cosmo: Saturday? Amber: isn't Sunday like THE day for football and church though? Amber: that sounds like something I've heard before Cosmo: yeah, that's right Cosmo: but I can handle it, not gonna get off my face if I'm escorting you, am I Amber: I'm not one of those girls Amber: you don't have to look after me Cosmo: it's not because you're a girl Cosmo: it's 'cos it's your first time Amber: those manners you mentioned being brought up to have Amber: it's nice to see them 👋 Cosmo: told ya Amber: when I invite myself over again I'll let your mama know she did a good job Cosmo: you want the stalker title back over nerd, yeah? Amber: I do have a name you could use, sometimes Cosmo: you go by yours then Cosmo: noted Amber: I'm the only Amber here, that's a good reason to Cosmo: nice one mum and dad Amber: maybe if they'd named me Acorn or Soleil or whatever I'd be more ✌☮💙🕊 Amber: I don't know Cosmo: If people suited their names, me and my brother would have to swap Amber: which one of your parents chose? Cosmo: mum Cosmo: I mean, sure it was a mutual decision at the time, but still Amber: same, my dad would've leaned more into the ✌☮💙🕊 vibe Cosmo: yeah Cosmo: still, you fit in enough without standing out loads everywhere else Cosmo: it's a good name, far as they go Amber: thanks, I'll tell her Cosmo: she as buzzing off validation as you Amber: no, that's my ⭐ Cosmo: she did marry a teacher Amber: her boyfriend looks after 👵👴 Amber: it could be a pattern Cosmo: sound like a self-help book now Amber: she'd get a kick out of that Amber: workshops are her thing Cosmo: I can imagine Amber: you can leave it at that, I won't extend an invitation even though IOU Cosmo: yeah, that's for the best all 'round Cosmo: you can cancel that debt Amber: unfriendly or gentlemanly? Cosmo: neither Cosmo: I don't reckon you've got any invite that I'd be interested in Amber: 😠 Cosmo: what's that face for? Amber: you throwing those manners out of the window and being rude again Cosmo: just realistic Cosmo: I don't fancy a workshop or jam sesh or whatever else Cosmo: not that kinda lad Amber: cynical Cosmo: you gonna waste time proving me otherwise? Amber: if you don't show me up on Saturday, maybe Cosmo: 😏 Amber: can you even dance? Cosmo: of course I can Cosmo: I'm not the one who's never been, I go all the time Amber: okay, I'm not asking you to prove yourself, even though it wouldn't be a waste of time Cosmo: you used to boys jumping when you say Amber: is that what it sounds like? Cosmo: what you look like Amber: you think I look like I could get boys to do whatever I want? Amber: like I'm so intimidating Cosmo: 😂 Cosmo: yeah your 😠 face is frightening Amber: 😂 Cosmo: yeah, you know Amber: I know you're not scared of me, you made sure I was told early on Cosmo: do you want to scare me? Amber: of course not Amber: why would I want to? Cosmo: I don't know Cosmo: some people go in for intimidating, don't they Amber: I really wanna 👀 into your 🌍 when you say things like that, 9 Amber: I guess it works for footballers Cosmo: called attack for a reason Cosmo: but anyone Cosmo: it's a good defense, oddly enough Amber: you don't have to defend yourself against me though so Cosmo: we're talking about you, remember Amber: I'm not in the habit of attacking anyone, using violence to resolve our conflicts is 😠 upon Amber: are you trying to get me kicked out of the hippie homestead? Cosmo: that'd be a kindness too far Cosmo: let's start with the club, yeah Amber: don't be getting me kicked out of there, please! Cosmo: best behaviour, remember Cosmo: leave your stash at home, dealer Amber: we didn't find it at yours and there's a chance I won't be able to 👀 over the bar Amber: a best behaviour guarantee until you trust me Cosmo: you are well short Cosmo: you'll still get served though Amber: I'll dress to impress whoever is on the door, since they probably do go in for intimidation, I imagine Cosmo: won't be hard Amber: no? Cosmo: 'course not Cosmo: when you're as short as you, don't need to be as tall as me to look directly down your top, like Amber: there isn't much to see, are you sure they'll let me in? Cosmo: I'm sure Amber: 🙂 Cosmo: you do know the dresscode, I assume Amber: barely any clothes is the impression you've given me Cosmo: You don't have to go that hard Cosmo: but smart casual probably excludes the properly hippie stuff Amber: I'll 🛍💅 Amber: like a 'normal' girl Cosmo: normal ain't overrated? Amber: I don't know Cosmo: first time trying that out too? Amber: my normal is all this Amber: sometimes I wish it wasn't, sometimes I don't Cosmo: yeah Cosmo: well, lemme know how it goes Amber: what? 🛍💅? Cosmo: yeah Cosmo: new normal, whatever Amber: you can come if you like Cosmo: that's alright Cosmo: I can already pass dresscode Amber: I meant to help me Cosmo: they have girls in shops for that Cosmo: I wouldn't be no help Amber: and I have school friends for that, but it'd be more fun with you Amber: and more help, because they'll just  🛍 for themselves Cosmo: I guess we could go Cosmo: Saturday as well Cosmo: I train 'til 2 but should have some time before I go gym at 4 Amber: one shop for 👗 and another for 💅 I promise Cosmo: what about 👠s? Amber: oh Amber: you're right Amber: this is why I need you Cosmo: can't be barefoot Cosmo: with all the others in stilettos, be a real safety hazard Amber: not at the start of the night anyway Cosmo: I'm not carrying you Cosmo: no matter how small you are Amber: you wouldn't have to go to the gym for as long if you did Amber: creative workout Cosmo: I probably lift double you Amber: is that one of your chat up lines? Cosmo: 😏 no Cosmo: girls hate gym chat Cosmo: unless they bring it up, but that's a specific type of girl Amber: so when I get to the club I shouldn't talk about how flexible I am? Amber: no yoga talk Cosmo: I'm sure that'd go down a treat Cosmo: I don't need to fight off creeps though Amber: you won't have to, my 😠 face is SCARY Cosmo: terrifying Cosmo: not as scary as my coach if I get injured Amber: best behaviour, boy Cosmo: yeah, you better Amber: you'll see 👼🏽 Cosmo: it is believing Amber: 🏋🏽📸 please Cosmo: you wanna see how much I can lift? Amber: yes Cosmo: alright Cosmo: not like I'll be the only twat with their camera out, like Amber: 🤳🏽💪🏽 Cosmo: yeah Cosmo: 🤳🏽🍑 if you're a girl Amber: I won't be sending those to your inbox, don't worry Cosmo: shame Amber: your coach doesn't want you getting injured Cosmo: wouldn't look and lift Amber: I'll keep it in mind Cosmo: just more jokes Cosmo: don't worry Amber: shame Cosmo: touche Amber: what are you actually doing right now though? 🏋🏽? Cosmo: got stuff to do at home Cosmo: you? Amber: cryptic Amber: but me too Cosmo: you know, this and that Amber: 🍏🍎 and 🍊🍊 Cosmo: what are you doing then? Amber: chasing chickens Amber: they've escaped Cosmo: 😂 Cosmo: of course Amber: cardio Amber: how many chickens could you lift? Cosmo: that's a question of claws, not lbs Cosmo: wouldn't look very good if I got all scratched up Amber: you could tell your teammates it was my fault, without going into the 🐓 details Amber: that would look better Cosmo: you think that's how it is Cosmo: locker room talk, like Amber: isn't it? Cosmo: I couldn't possibly comment Amber: that says something in itself Cosmo: basic stuff Cosmo: got to work as a team Cosmo: snitches get stitches Amber: but I'm the one in a cult Cosmo: teams have contracts Cosmo: literally know what I signed up for, and I'll join another one or sign back up when I'm done Amber: I don't have to give them my first born 👶🏽 Amber: your dad sacrificed you to ⚽ Cosmo: and yours didn't to their bullshit agenda? Amber: what agenda? Cosmo: I can't be bothered with this Amber: with what? Cosmo: this discussion Amber: there is no discussion because you shut it down Cosmo: because we've had it Amber: fine Cosmo: you don't know shit about my dad and I don't know shit about yours Cosmo: let's keep it that way Amber: if that's what you want Cosmo: why wouldn't it be Amber: never mind Cosmo: 👌 Cosmo: later then Amber: bye Amber: [we should say the necklace moment is after this but before clubbing because it works as a sorry/peace offering as well as a thanks/miss you/love you now so] Cosmo: you'll have to tell me your address Cosmo: for the 💌 Amber: [does] Cosmo: if my brother could be trusted with anything Cosmo: be able to pop it through the nearest open window but Amber: if we were at Hogwarts 🦉 Cosmo: thought you were a raven? Amber: owls deliver the post and it's a 🦅 Cosmo: I'll do my best to remember, nerd Amber: 😛 Cosmo: where'd you get this Cosmo: the necklace, I mean Amber: you can't buy me another one if that's why you're asking Cosmo: it isn't Cosmo: you should keep it, if it's special though Amber: I want you to have it Cosmo: thank you, then Amber: you don't have to wear it if you don't want to Amber: I won't be offended Cosmo: I like it Cosmo: can't wear nothing when I play though, not that big anyway Cosmo: turn your gift into a bit of a crap one if I get throttled with it Amber: hunger games, I called it Cosmo: be a bit of an obvious foul but some lads have no self-control, like Amber: that'd be a good chat up line, something about how good yours is Amber: make a girl feel special when you give in Cosmo: ha Cosmo: you wanna be my wingwoman or something? Amber: do you need one? Cosmo: I do alright Amber: I don't think I'll have to 👀 that to believe it Amber: I've seen you Cosmo: is that a compliment? Amber: yes Cosmo: I'm not like that, you know Amber: I know now Cosmo: I mean, I'm not one of the ones that keeps score and is competitive about it Cosmo: and we're not all like that Amber: I didn't picture you like that, don't worry Cosmo: good Amber: 🙂 Cosmo: 🙃? Amber: I'm the right way up because I'm in the know Amber: why are you upside down? Cosmo: maybe I'm doing pull-ups Amber: without me on top of you, they must be so easy Cosmo: you're thinking of push-ups Amber: oh Amber: wrapped around you then Cosmo: Amber Amber: is that still not what a pull up is? Cosmo: no, you got it Amber: you must think I'm like such an idiot sometimes Amber: or an 👽 Cosmo: I don't Cosmo: I didn't know about the birds Amber: you haven't got time to immerse yourself in a fictional 🌍 about 🐍🦅🦡🦁 Amber: you're a ⚽⭐ Cosmo: you're a different kind of ⭐ Cosmo: I've seen the 📸 proof Amber: you're being nice to me, you must like the necklace Amber: now I know bribery is the way forward, I'll get the first round in on Saturday Cosmo: Bribery always works, don't it Amber: but it probably wouldn't if I offered you 🥚 or 🍎🍏🍊 Cosmo: you got the chickens back then Amber: I'm not telling you again how flexible I am, boy Cosmo: be a bit of a brag if you keep going on about it Cosmo: must be fast, too Amber: compared to all these lazy boys and girls in long skirts, sure Amber: I don't think I'd win a race against you though Cosmo: just don't be coming for my spot on the team Amber: you'd have to train me first, I assume you'd notice the ploy before it happened Cosmo: not a 🦅 Cosmo: but not that thick either Amber: slytherins are really intelligent, everyone knows that Amber: you should get the audiobooks for the gym Cosmo: I'm still hoping for Gryffindor Cosmo: only got your word on how evil I am 😏 Amber: that's your brother, you don't wanna be in the same house as him Cosmo: sure, he gets to be the hero Cosmo: 🙄 Amber: he gets to be a reckless idiot Amber: [sends him the pottermore link to be sorted like a nerd] Cosmo: now this is a cult Amber: you aren't wrong this time Cosmo: I know, you've been well passionate about this stuff Amber: I finished the last book not long ago, it's fresh in my mind Cosmo: how often do you think anyone's reading the bible start to finish Amber: never? Cosmo: exactly Amber: don't they just pick the parts out they like Cosmo: they study it allegedly Amber: I'd rather you take me to go swim instead Cosmo: would you now Amber: if we're planning our next activity Cosmo: it is your other favourite thing, I remembered Amber: then we can yours Amber: do* Cosmo: nice try Cosmo: not training you Amber: I don't believe football is your only fave thing Cosmo: 👀 is Cosmo: my socials and actual life suggest otherwise Amber: fine, what's your fave food? Amber: I'll make it Cosmo: [some healthy protein bullshit that would not be anyone's favourite really] Amber: [is gonna invite herself over and make a swag meal out of it 100% though] Amber: free up some more time for me Amber: I'll be waiting for the 💌 Cosmo: alright Cosmo: is gonna be a decent run to yours so thanks for that Amber: you don't want me knocking on your door? Amber: I've been highlighting the best 🐍 quotes to preach at you and everything Cosmo: You've done your homework Cosmo: I'm impressed Cosmo: but not a gift if I don't hand-deliver it like you did Amber: warn me before you climb into my hammock Cosmo: not going to deprive you of your favourite spot Amber: someone else could've, that's more what I was thinking Amber: for your sake, not mine Cosmo: not planning on coming in, you're alright Amber: I'm not gonna let them kidnap you, you'll be okay Cosmo: I feel so much safer now I've got 😠 on side Amber: you know you can't be gryffindor and hide behind me Cosmo: good thing I was joking Amber: 🙃 Cosmo: do you do boyfriends or what Amber: sometimes Amber: if we're staying in one place for a while Cosmo: how long have you lived here Amber: 🤔 7 months in like a week Amber: it'd be cooler if it was 9 when we met so I may have to start lying Cosmo: probably isn't very ✌&❤ of you but I won't tell Amber: how long have you lived here? Cosmo: forever Amber: then you've gotta have a fave place you can take me to! Amber: I will fight you if you say it's the gym Cosmo: wouldn't want that 😂 Cosmo: I don't know Cosmo: give me time to think Amber: I'm fine with you sending an owl but no 🐍 please Cosmo: 🦁? Amber: I don't know the etiquette of them coming to tea, it's always tigers Amber: but I wouldn't be popular with the rest of the animals here Cosmo: rude but realistic way to describe your housemates? Amber: 😂 Amber: when I do sleep outside so I guess the 🐓🐄🐎🐖🐏🐑🦙🐐 kinda are my roommates Cosmo: my dad just got a puppy Amber: 📸? Cosmo: [insta that's clearly the dad's gf] Amber: 🥰 Cosmo: yeah, pretty cute Amber: I'm mad you're so law abiding honestly Amber: really wanna steal it Cosmo: how'd you work that one out? Amber: I've never met anyone as hung up about a girl coming through an open window Cosmo: 🙄 Amber: if you wanna say it was because it was me ⭐ I'm fine with that, obviously Cosmo: it's not about you Cosmo: 💔 I know Amber: you could've lied to give me a compliment! Amber: [adorable pouty selfie] Cosmo: stop it Amber: [another one like no I shan't] Cosmo: 😒 Amber: you're not gonna show me your real face? Cosmo: [his own pouty selfie back] Amber: you should do that when the referee is being rude, I think it would work Cosmo: missed that scandal Cosmo: worse luck Amber: those would be prying questions, being a ravenclaw 🤓 wouldn't be an excuse to go that hard Cosmo: it was in the 🗞s Cosmo: it was a coach though, and before my time Amber: I'm not a journalist looking for a scoop, promise Cosmo: what are you looking for? Amber: 🥧 but there were none cooling on your windowsills Cosmo: sorry to disappoint Amber: you didn't Amber: everything turned around Cosmo: you were just glad it weren't Dash Amber: at first Cosmo: that makes two of us Amber: you were helpful, I'm gladder about that Cosmo: you're welcome Amber: I know, I'll be back Cosmo: alright Arnie Amber: I wouldn't be a good stalker if I just left Cosmo: I won't say I've had better Cosmo: you'll 🥺 again Amber: no I won't Amber: you like it too much Cosmo: psh Cosmo: piss off Amber: 👀👆 you're not getting me away from your windows that easily Cosmo: ugh Amber: how many have you had? Cosmo: stalkers? Cosmo: just a few Amber: and out of the few, who's better than me? Cosmo: you aren't stalking them too Amber: well give me a number Cosmo: why? Amber: because I won't have to 🥺 if I know Cosmo: well, I went out with them so it's a different scale Amber: have all your girlfriends stalked you? Cosmo: no Cosmo: just some of them Amber: okay, I'll avoid raising a red flag Cosmo: ? Amber: if you thought all your exes were crazy... Cosmo: nah Cosmo: these were dates Cosmo: not girlfriend girlfriends Cosmo: they were fine, obviously Amber: I love that you go on dates, 9 Cosmo: what do you mean Amber: who does that? I'm picturing like 🤵💐 Cosmo: shut up Amber: I'm not making fun of you Amber: you're ⭐ it's no surprise you have girls 🤩 Cosmo: still Amber: I'm just jealous that no boys are 🤵💐 for me Cosmo: sure Amber: maybe I'll meet a gentleman in the club Cosmo: maybe you're not gonna do that Amber: don't put a hex on me, please Cosmo: not gonna watch you get with some creep who 'doesn't know' you're underage Amber: if you're the only 🤵💐 in an acceptable age range, I feel sad for every girl who lives here Amber: you can't date all of us Cosmo: you'll be gone soon and that won't be your problem Amber: pardon? Amber: where am I going? Cosmo: somewhere with more hammocks Cosmo: less 🐔s Amber: I'm not done here Amber: you haven't even built me a pool yet Cosmo: who am I? 💰💰💰 Amber: yes? Amber: ⚽⭐🏆🥂🤵 Cosmo: ha Cosmo: not yet Amber: unless my mama breaks up with her boyfriend, you probably will be before I leave though Cosmo: that why you move? Amber: we came here because my dad left his girlfriend, but that isn't usually why Amber: they like to go where they feel needed, professionally Cosmo: hm 👌 Amber: what are you saying to me, boy? Cosmo: nothing you don't already know Amber: but you still can't help yourself, right? Cosmo: that's why I didn't actually say it Amber: valiant attempt Cosmo: what, I should have said nothing? Amber: you should say what you want to, whether that's nothing or something Amber: I don't mind, whatever you're avoiding telling me I'll have heard before Cosmo: Whatever, it isn't my business Amber: it isn't plenty of people's but they have plenty to say Cosmo: I mean I don't care Amber: unfriendly but honest Cosmo: why should I Amber: why should you care about me? Amber: if that's a question you're posing, I don't think you should Cosmo: and you about me Cosmo: we don't know each other Amber: if you don't have the time, space or willingness to get to know me, that's fine Amber: but if you're open to it, that's where I'm coming from Cosmo: I don't think I can Amber: because of you or because of me? Cosmo: because of my life Amber: okay Cosmo: it is what it is Amber: it's your life Cosmo: yeah Amber: I'm sorry for being pushy Cosmo: don't apologize Cosmo: you don't need to Amber: I feel like I've done the wrong thing so I do Cosmo: I'm sorry it feels like that then Cosmo: I didn't plan it Amber: how could you? I like invaded your life 🛸 Cosmo: you didn't intend to do that either Amber: but I could've just gone back out of the window, I didn't, so there's the first wrong thing Cosmo: you didn't know Cosmo: if I was different Amber: that's why I called it the first one, because I built on it once I was more aware Amber: you've spelled it out a few times Cosmo: you were just being a nice person Amber: a nice person would take the hint Cosmo: it's not your fault Cosmo: seriously Amber: it's not yours either Cosmo: it is Amber: you can't force it to be right, the timing or whatever Amber: your life is full Cosmo: it's not Cosmo: our lives don't go together in any way Amber: they could, but I'm not gonna force that on you any more than I have Cosmo: I promise they couldn't Cosmo: I like you Cosmo: I've thought about it, any way or every way possible Amber: that doesn't make sense to me, we could be anything together Cosmo: because you can be anything Cosmo: I can't Cosmo: I have things I have to be, no discussion Amber: I know, I might not fully understand but I've been listening Amber: ⚽⭐🏆🥂🤵 Cosmo: it's more serious than it sounds Cosmo: it's the only thing I'm good at Amber: I'm not making fun of you about this either Amber: I couldn't be more undecided about what I wanna do, it's not a bad thing that you've worked that out Amber: I'm not saying it is, I wouldn't Cosmo: I know, you're a nice person Cosmo: whatever else I've said, seriously or otherwise Cosmo: it isn't even like it's a choice Cosmo: it's something I have to do Amber: I'm obviously not nice if you feel like you have to defend your entire life Amber: you don't need to do this, explain like you owe me anything Cosmo: I'm just trying to explain why we wouldn't work, I want to Amber: how does it work with your other friends? Cosmo: they're all on the team Amber: so you don't see them outside of games and training? Cosmo: no, we go out too, like I said Cosmo: but games and training is the majority of my time Cosmo: the rest is home Amber: why can't we go out too? Amber: sometimes Amber: at least a few of your teammates must have girlfriends or whatever, it's not like I'd have to be the only girl there Cosmo: they all do Cosmo: but they usually aren't invited Cosmo: but there'll still be girls there Amber: if you want this to work, we can start there then Amber: I'll show up Saturday and whenever after Cosmo: was my mum home when you came over Cosmo: before Amber: I don't think so Amber: he said nobody was Cosmo: alright Amber: I haven't met her and if I do you don't have to worry about me announcing how we met Cosmo: I don't know why I brought it up Cosmo: it's not that though Amber: whatever is worrying you about her, you don't have to add the possibility of that conversation to it, is all I mean Amber: I had sex with your brother and came back like a stalker and a thief, I know it's strange Cosmo: I'm her carer Amber: but Dash is at the commune more than I am Amber: when does he help? Cosmo: he was never any good at any of it Cosmo: she can do a lot herself, but her work exhausts her so when she's home she does need help, just makes sense Amber: he still has to be there to try Amber: when my dad gets in one of his moods, it's hard on everyone but I wouldn't be anywhere else Cosmo: well he don't Cosmo: but I can do it fine on my own Amber: he's worse than I thought Cosmo: that's not why I told you Cosmo: I'm busy, you know, all the time Cosmo: but saturday Cosmo: we can do saturday Amber: I know but he is Amber: everything shouldn't fall on you Cosmo: it's whatever Amber: his life is far from full Amber: it's unacceptable Cosmo: don't think your 😠 face with cut it Ambs Amber: I'm not gonna charge up to him and demand he changes his life, he wouldn't listen and it'd just add to your stress Amber: I don't wanna do that Cosmo: I appreciate it Cosmo: don't worry about him, I don't Amber: it's about you, and your mama Amber: what about your dad? Cosmo: They split when I was 10 Cosmo: they don't hate each other or anything but it's day to day shit so, defeats the point of the split if he's there for every dinner, every bed time, like Amber: can you talk to him about how you feel though? Cosmo: I could Cosmo: but I don't need to Amber: as long as you have someone you can, for if you do need to Cosmo: do you? Amber: I can talk to my parents about everything, except the 🐘 in the room Amber: they'll say mental health is as important as physical when it's not their own, you know Cosmo: sure, no topic is off-limits Cosmo: but you won't get an actual answer Amber: they'd like to think they're unique... Cosmo: wouldn't we all Cosmo: no one is though Amber: you missed another opportunity to compliment me there Cosmo: sorry Cosmo: wouldn't seem like one when unique = mental Amber: I could be, we don't know each other well Amber: yet Cosmo: maybe Cosmo: I'll save unique for later then Cosmo: you've had nice, don't be greedy Amber: 👼🏽👌🏽 Cosmo: angelic is a bit of a stretch but Cosmo: alright Amber: because you don't like agreeing with me Cosmo: just because we don't agree, doesn't mean I take any pleasure in it, like 😏 Amber: what do you take pleasure in? I'll do more of it Cosmo: quite the proposition Amber: think about it and 💌 me Cosmo: I will Amber: but being serious, are you at home? Cosmo: why? Amber: because this conversation got more serious than 'thanks for the necklace, I love it' and I wanna make sure you're fine Amber: but if I do a doorstep welfare check I promise not to quote from the bible Cosmo: you don't need to do that Cosmo: I'm good Amber: I won't come in, you can just 😏 and I'll know you're okay Cosmo: [sends selfie like there you go] Amber: slytherin response Cosmo: 🙄 you take the piss Amber: if I have another gift for you, will you wanna see me then? Cosmo: you trying to buy my ❤? Amber: you said bribery works so if I need to buy a real 😏 Cosmo: I didn't mean for the conversation to get that serious Cosmo: it's not my chat-up line Amber: even if you only opened up because you were thinking we wouldn't have to see each other again, it doesn't matter Amber: you needed to talk Amber: it wouldn't have been as easy at the club or the gym Cosmo: you aren't going to just forget it happened, are you Amber: do you want me to? Cosmo: it'd be easier Amber: because you wish you hadn't told me or because you're embarrassed Cosmo: I wish I hadn't told you Cosmo: but not because it's you Cosmo: well, kind of Cosmo: I don't need help or sympathy or anything Amber: I'll forget after I've delivered your 🎁 Amber: you maybe could as well, after it, there's a clue Cosmo: oh, I get it Cosmo: trying to get me hooked with a free taste Amber: not a dealer, remember Cosmo: likely story Amber: you'll 👀 Amber: I'll knock 9 times Cosmo: 😂 Cosmo: I might answer before you manage that Amber: I knew you wanted to see me, boy Cosmo: you're alright to look at Amber: I know that too but thanks Cosmo: 😏 Amber: if you're already smirking there's no way I'm gonna tell you that you're beautiful too Cosmo: you already did Amber: when I properly do it'll hit differently Cosmo: yet more drug talk Cosmo: one-track mind, thought I was bad Amber: 😂

[callicalliope]

Okay so

I did not plan on writing this one, but I feel like I have to share it at this point.

I used to be in a relationship with a guy, let's call him Nathan.

We got together May 2019 after a trip to Budapest. Everything was picture perfect.

Now, I suffer from anxiety, and I was extremely worried of being abandoned as I have been before, but turns out it was not the case with this guy. He was sweet, charming, caring, and he obviously loved me very much.

I went to an other trip, also in Hungary, which he refused to participate in.

While I was there, Nathan's puppy got really sick, turns out she was born with a disease which I cannot explain in English. The puppy died while I was away. Nathan had an arguement with his best friend and cut off contact.

Now, Nathan was always a kind of weird guy. He never really had friends and was extremely antisocial. It was not a problem in itself of course. But when I got home from the trip a week later, I found him severely depressed. He only talked about negative things and often scared me. He told me he was unsure if he even loved me, which wrecked my heart, but I ignored everything and tried to help him the best I could. I did everything a 16 year old could have done in that situation. He refused to get helo, which worried me. He also had some physical problems, but he refused to see a doctor. All in all, he got better sometimes and went downhill again. His mood changed in 0.01 seconds. I ignored everything. I wanted to help him, I loved him. I also noticed that I was unable to bring him along when I was with my friends. When he did show up, he barely talked. It stressed me further, but in the end I let it go, because I knew how it felt. I only had those 3-4 people in my life and I had an extremely hard time making friends.

School started again, he was in his last year (Nathan is one year older than me). He is an extremely smart guy, but he refused to study. I was worried about him, because his parents were rich and he had everything, but that will not be the case forever.

I came over once to tell him that he needs to study and think about his future. He became extremely angry, told me to get out of the house and refused to talk to me. In the end, turns out he was going to break up with me because of this. Anyways, we did not part ways. I went to an exchange student program. When I got home, everything was fine for a few weeks.

There is a school tradition that every 11 grader goes to a trip to Budapest. I was preparing for the trip and asked Nathan to come with me to shop for food. We went by foot, and I accidentally missed a street so we had to walk for 5 more minutes. He became extremely mad and refused to talk to me. It was nighttime and extremely dark, but he turned around and started to walk away. I threw a tantrum and he told me he is breaking up with me. He called me awful names. Well, we talked for hours, turns out he felt like he was too sick for me. So we stayed together once more.

Things got better, and I started to blame myself for everything that happened in the past.

Nathan did not hide some of his awful traits anymore. He lives with his grandma, but he treats her like shit. He yells at him all the time. He also yells at his mother, and it gets physical sometimes. I became terrified of my own boyfriend.

The holidays passed and as Nathan began to show more and more of his true colours, I slowly began to develop some sort of panic disorder. I blamed it on my mother, I was scared of him.

Quarantine came, and I started to feel empty. Like I did not love him anymore. He was angry a lot, too, but I blamed it on the exams.

When the lockdown was lifted, he began to attend classes again. One time my mother allowed me to go to his place after singing class which I attended. Nathan told me to wait for him at his place, but I was anxious about being there alone, so I waited for him at the park. For 2 hours. He was extremely angry, he told me he expected to get home and find his loving girlfriend waiting for him in his bed. Well, he did not speak to me while we walked home, then he shut the door in my face. I had a panic attack, one of the worsts. I knew I could not go home because my mother would not let me meet him again. I stood there, terrified and begging him via texts to let me in because I'm sick, which he refused. I was in an awful state, but I managed to call my best friend and she came to the nearest park to calm me down. He soon forgave me and I did not talk about the accident again.

The summer was awful. He spent it arguing with me and hating on my friends. I tried to conceal everything, but my mom discovered some bits. She couldn't do much so she had to let it go.

It became harder and harder for me to fall asleep. One night I was feeling pretty decent and ready to actually rest, but he told me he needed a break right before bedtime. I was shattered.

Earlier he told me he did not like the fact that I was pansexual, because he felt like I was part of something he was not. So I told him I was no longer that.

He instantly regretted asking for a break and I once again felt pained and powerless.

He threw a tantrum via text during my mom's birthday, ruining my mood. Next day, when we were celebrating with friends and he attended too, he was mad that I did not greet him happily after the incident. He once again wanted to break up.

My mental health was circling down the drain by this point.

He hated my friends. He did not even try to hide it anymore. He even wanted me to drop them, but he was careful to not speak that out loud.

I invited him to another get together and he ruined the mood. He did not talk to anyone and accused me of degrading him when he thought I told something to my best friend. He was also offended by a joke: when my best friend said something about me being stupid in a joking way, my boyfriend agreed, once again joking, so I pretended to be mad and moved from him to her side. He was furious. He argued with me all the way home, calling me awful. He said he was only with me because he did not have other options.

He continued degrading my friends and me. He was also extremely jelaous. He also threw terrifying tantrums. I woke up once to him throwing a printer on the ground, slamming the table, screaming. He even broke a door once. All while perfectly aware that these things triggered my panic attacks. But this was not the worst.

TW: sexual abuse and self harm

After lockdown ended, I allowed him to tie my hands behind once. He became addicted and one day he showed me he purchased objects like a whip etc etc. I was scared, but I also knew he would be mad if I refused, so I instead set boundaries. Sometimes I had to be the dominant one, but most of the time it was him. I did not enjoy either.

On his birthday, he decided there were no boundaries. I do not like pain, I do not like to be hit, I do not like to be degraded, but I tolerated it. But that night was different.

He told me a safe word which was so ridiculous I knew it would ruin his mood, causing him to hurt me more. That night will haunt me.

It gets blurry, but I remember being put against the window, no one could see us, but I saw a car and a man in it. I wanted to scream down for help. I remember crying the whole fuckin time, asking him to stop. I remember collapsing and him getting mad at me for it. I remember nearly breaking my leg. I remember him pulling my short hair behind so much he nearly broke my neck. I remember me finally refusing something and him getting mad, telling me to take over, which I could not, because I was horrified. I remember him getting mad and telling me I ruined his birthday. I remember the pain, the humiliation, the disbelief that this happened to me.

And I hid it. I did not tell anyone. I harmed myself, I had panic attacks, I had anxiety, but I did not tell. He did not have anyone in his life, just me.

In early december, he called me a degenerate bitch, a slut, he said he hopes I'll die. Because I, someone interested in history, told him an other perspective. By this time he became alarmingly anti-woman, anti-anyone who disagreed with him and so much more. I did not dare to tell him when I went out with friends. He was obsessed with being right, and he was suffocating. So he degraded me to this level, and I stormed over, dropped his stuff and broke up with him. He came over and began begging me to take him back. I agreed. I was scared. I was also having a panic attack because my mom thought he might do something to himself.

I fell in love with my classmate in the meantime. It was nothing serious, but being with him comforted me. I knew we could never be together, but I clang onto the feeling and pulled myself together. Three days later he called me names once more for refusing to allow him to call my best friends sluts. I broke up with him again. My mother told me I won't be able to break away from him this way. I decided to change tactics. I reconciled with him and decided to distance myself instead. One thing Nathan is good at is manipulating people.

My birthday was coming up. I celebrated with my family earlier. As I was cleaning the house, my boyfriend texted me. He told me he almost killed his mom. Because of a stupid arguement about cookies. I was horrified. When family came over, I called my aunt to come with me to my room and I I told her everything. She was in an abusive marriage before. She only told me to run. With this courage, I told my father and my uncle (who is like a second father to me). My father was diabolical, nearly crying. I had to block Nathan on every platform. My father told him to never be around me again. So he started harassing me. The night before my birthday he started pulling up the shades, leaving messages that he would come back an hour later. My father threatened him. After my birthday, his mom called us and begged me to visit Nathan. She wanted to get me to go to couple therapy with him. I am only 18. 18.

We had to go there because he began to cut his arms. It was a horrifying sight. But he did not have any serious injuries.

He wanted to coerce me into resuming the relationship 2 months later, saying he would get help. I knew he was not taking his meds. I knew he was lying. And I left. Now, I cannot walk the streets alone.

On New Year's Eve, I got together with another man. I love him. So far, he makes me feel like a real person, a valid person, and I never felt safer than around him. He makes me happy and I feel like crying whenever I think about the fact that this nightmare is over and I can still be loved. It's hard to heal and he understands. And I am truly happy.

Solid advice: do not stay. You are not your lover's psychologist. You help them, you are there for them, but in the end, it is up to them to grow. Have power to let go. Do not let them manipulate you like Nathan manipulated me. And never be afraid to get help, to talk about it.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & James

Ava: So, campus bars Ava: Avoid entirely or cheap enough to make the cringe worth it? 🤔🤔 James: use your student loans wisely enough that cheap is avoided entirely Ava: Ugh 😏 I thought you'd give real advice if I got you off the clock James: go with your gut, option 1 James: you're not striking me as someone to base their social life around KCLSU's quiz night Ava: I love trivia like I love cheap white wine spritzers and school spirit James: knew you'd fit right in Ava: Can I put that resounding endorsement on my application then, James? James: it'll carry more weight if you accidentally add the I when you write my name James: but I didn't say that James: slip of the pen, that's all Ava: My lips are sealed Ava: There's plenty of time to meet him and double up on kudos James: I hear the girl's hazing rituals are savage James: stand you in good stead that will Ava: No one is scarier than a high school girl Ava: Nor as petty and sadistic Ava: I think I'll survive James: they've toned it down since that girl had a mental episode post head shave James: sure you will Ava: Very chic Ava: Do you wait 'til the UCAS app has gone through to drop the horror stories usually or are you really bad at this whole recruitment thing on purpose? James: it's my 1st time playing tour guide James: potentially I'm less than cut out for it Ava: I won't lodge a formal complaint Ava: Unless you're turning over DMs as feedback, in which case, awkward James: I won't be, some girls think I have more sway than I really do James: awkward indeed Ava: God Ava: Not even my first choice Ava: Though makes you wonder how effective attaching nudes to your cover letter would be James: they'd have to take that on a case by case basis Ava: 🤞 that you don't get the one token woman on the panel James: not your 1st choice, no need to cross anything Ava: Hypothetically, James II Ava: Why was it yours, then? Ava: Student life evidently not being it James: it was my only James: it's gonna end up being Teddy's too Ava: He hasn't turned up to business studies in time Ava: But slip of the pen, I get you James: my older sister got all the brains and none of the sense of fun Ava: Know the sort Ava: Bet I still likes you better though James: I wouldn't go that far Ava: Too far for a taster sesh Ava: Understood Ava: Don't suppose you'll point me in the direction of where you actually hang now then? James: I suppose I could Ava: Please Ava: Bored is an understatement Ava: I'll still show up all present and correct for the debrief thing tomorrow James: it's such a good thing here isn't your 1st choice Ava: You should give me the real tour Ava: I'll keep my lips sealed James: can't I get another please before you do? Ava: Please do not invite your brother Ava: He got us kicked out of Mahiki last month it was so tragic James: he's a disgrace Ava: Most of them are James: I don't associate with anyone who still goes to Mahiki regularly Ava: It's pretty played out James: if they'll let Teddy in they're getting desperate Ava: 😂 awh James: you ready now? Ava: Already out Ava: Figured you better pick me up from The Vault Ava: Consider it a mini hazing of my own James: keep your lips sealed that I'm going within 100 yards of the place and sure Ava: Don't worry Ava: The others are at the cinema or something equally as lame the school put on for our 'overnight entertainment' Ava: I'm sick Ava: No selfies James: the hangover'll make it look & feel convincing Ava: That's a promise you can put your wallet behind Ava: I am a guest James: you don't want put your fake ID on the line either Ava: Bold of you to assume I've ever needed to buy my own drinks 😏 Ava: I didn't bring it alright, shut up James: you don't need it, I'm only playing Ava: 😾 James: how many drinks has my brother bought you? Of course I need to 1 up him Ava: Total? Ava: Not as much as he'd like but lots Ava: Not trying to milk this sibling rivalry or anything, have known him ages Ava: Well before Mahiki would let him in, like James: hardly a rivalry, you know him well enough to realise Ava: True Ava: You do what feels right and I'll let you know by the end of the night then James: very straightforward James: I like it Ava: You don't know me well enough yet but that's par for the course James: I knew your brother for years & I didn't know him James: we'd need more than an evening Ava: I'm as comparable to my brother as you are to yours Ava: Probably James: show me, I'll show you Ava: Deal Ava: But we will need more than an evening Ava: to make it fair James: you can have until you're bored Ava: You'll want longer when you aren't anymore James: I'm used to things not lasting as long as I want Ava: I'm not your average Ava: You'll see James: bold of you to assume I've ever settled for average Ava: I didn't say THE average James: I heard you say my average Ava: No need to be offended by better, is there? James: bemused at most Ava: You're welcome Ava: but you are meant to be entertaining me, not the other way 'round James: you brought up fairness James: & it's a good point Ava: How do you propose we make it fair then? James: I entertain you tonight, you entertain me whenever you've thought of your own tour worth taking me on Ava: That's actually a good idea Ava: and entirely fair James: Teddy'll cost my dad more to secure his place than I did, I've got some brains on board Ava: No doubt Ava: Gave his name to the right kid, clearly James: My sister was undoubtedly relieved James: though Diana has its own pitfalls Ava: 😬 The jokes write themselves James: they do Ava: Perks of having a relatively untouched name James: it does suit her, she's very much a martyr Ava: Did you do an English degree? Ava: You're good at painting a picture with words Ava: See 👸 so clearly James: sadly not James: maybe I'll go back & do it if I ever finish the current one Ava: Student forever vibes Ava: Fuck real life James: then again, being the kind of dad who drops their kid off for classes & pulls up his own chair at the table doesn't sound like a great idea Ava: Just make sure its not their first choice, yeah? James: oldest's already smarter than me James: won't be a problem Ava: There you go then James: where's yours? Ava: Currently undecided Ava: It's more a case of sorting the 2-5 James: & how's that going? James: this place being a solid 5th Ava: Its been a solid mix of fun and boring working it out Ava: Better than another night in Mahiki at any rate Ava: I'll have to decide eventually but even my mum can't demand I do quite yet James: don't over complicate it James: they're not all that different James: I've got friends studying all over the map and they're still basically doing the same things I am Ava: See, that's what I figured Ava: But try telling that to a woman who was Cambridge or bust Ava: It's more about the vibe of the place, the people, the ethos and the lecturers not being the worst stereotypes of boring/creep Ava: again, if I tell her vibe is on my criteria she'd actually kill me before I could apply anywhere so 🤷 James: your secret's safe with me James: even if our mothers were friends, mine is currently not speaking to me Ava: How's that? James: it's something I'm fairly used to James: she's not a big talker James: more of a fan of a dismissive hand gesture Ava: Gotcha Ava: Not a whole lot to miss James: she's got lots to say about my parenting style but who hasn't Ava: Shame you don't talk to my brother now James: I don't suppose he sees it as a shame Ava: Probably not Ava: He's not one for regrets James: me either James: it's why we started out friends Ava: Feels like ages ago Ava: Since he still lived here James: it kind of is James: he left before he left Ava: It's complicated James: it's not my business Ava: Not mine either so Ava: Whatever James: car's here James: are you going to make me get out for you? Ava: You're meant to come in here Ava: Don't you trust I can keep my lips sealed? James: I don't trust it to be entertaining in there James: hence it's not part of the tour Ava: Please James: Oh Ava James: [but does come in we all know he would] Ava: [clearly making him stay for a drink and play pool or something in this student ass bar] James: [when you're whipped for someone you're not even dating lol] Ava: [When Chloe is your missus] James: [to be a fly on the wall in their relationship tbh literally imagine] Ava: [oh lordy how you have not been missed girl] James: [at least the new kid is young enough she can dress it up still and it can't talk back so she can pretend she gives a shit and isn't blowing his phone up rn] Ava: [in full show-off-to-all-my-friends mode still, somehow still has some lol] James: [lord when you don't even like and comment on pics of your own child anymore though bye do not approve of your aesthetic choices Chlo] Ava: [so awkward, when you only get a look in for the boring/hard bits] James: [basically just get to parent Jay cos she's well over that] Ava: [poor James tbh] James: [have your fun now lad I don't blame you even though everyone else will] Ava: [lord people gonna be SO mad] James: [how far we gonna take this during the tour cos obvs flirty vibes been flying about but like he can't just jump her cos married and she's younger] Ava: [she fully initiated this whole thing lbr but maybe don't sleep with him yet babe as you are aware he's married and has kids so like, some thought even though you young and reckless that, he could always stop it at a makeout 'cos then how embarrassing for her and she'd have to leave it for a bit like what was I doing, angst etc] James: [I vibe with that cos they are gonna be drinking a lot as the night goes on so that'd make both of them give less of a shit about the consequences but because the night is going on eventually chlo is gonna be like are you coming home ever because I like to think he hasn't cheated since she got pregnant with this kid and has actually been trying even though he's miserable af clearly] James: [like maybe it was really bad before and he was actually gonna leave her so she was like simply must trap him and did] Ava: [v much a her move I support it] James: [yeah cos she's invested this much time into him she's not just gonna let him go easily] Ava: [when you have no idea what you've signed yourself up for here babe] James: [I'm rooting for them rn cos nobody else is and I'm 100% that bitch, must not get invested yet when we've only just begun] Ava: [same tho so whoops] James: [he'd be so into it though too we all know that makeout would be 💣🔥] Ava: [hence breaking it off would be hard af, Chloe gotta be blowing his shit up to the degree he thinks maybe one of the kids is hurt lol] James: [literally Chloe is the teenage girl in this situation, girl chill out] Ava: [I'd feel bad if you hadn't also cheated loads and trapped him in this sham life soooo, grant you idk how much Ava knows of that rn but she'd clearly have a rep] James: [yeah I feel like Ava would be knowing some shit cos same circles and Chlo ain't slick plus like he's gonna eventually tell her cos god knows he needs someone to talk to] Ava: [we will get there boy] James: [at least it'll be less awks for her cos it'll be obvious that he didn't wanna break shit off and how hard it was to do] Ava: [there was obvs a vibe to pursue in the first place, still tomorrow morning lmao] James: [he'd so go too hard pretending she doesn't exist like nobody's picked up on the vibe and it ain't obvious okay boy] Ava: [I hope there's some other drama gone down on this little excursion so yous can fly under the radar, someone hold hands at the cinema lol] James: [shit like that always happens don't worry you two] Ava: [thank God for teenage shenanigans when you out here homewrecking on the low] James: [you should do some Chlo texts at me for the lols even if I don't reply cos busy lol]