#i would do anything to read this moment from wylan's pov

[wylanslcve]

I can’t stop thinking about how Inej tells Wylan that “we are not our fathers” after he apologises to her for J*n kidnapping her. Wylan has spent his whole life believing that he's the problem, taking responsibility for his father’s wrongdoings due to how much J*n shifted the blame to him (a behaviour typical amongst abusers). For instance, his immediate response to Inej's abduction is self-blame despite knowing that "he couldn’t have prevented his father from double-crossing the crew and kidnapping her. He knew that, but he still felt responsible." The guilt is eating away at him because he's so accustomed to taking the blame for J*n’s actions, then Inej reassures him that he isn't the man his father is and it's like something inside him shifts. Imagine the relief that would have flooded through him hearing Inej’s words: for the first time in his life, someone isn't dumping that responsibility onto him. Instead, someone is telling him that he isn't the problem, that he has no debts to pay, that he's only human and not defined by the faults of his father. All he's ever wanted is to do something right, to not be the problem he's been constantly told he is and believes himself to be. It's as though this suffocating weight he's been carrying with him his whole life has been lifted off his chest and he can finally, finally breathe.

(That's not to say that those words alone heal him entirely, because trauma doesn't work that way - nevertheless, it's a start. It's given him a gentle nudge in the right direction of his path to healing.)

[seidenbros]

Breaking the Ice - Chapter 2

Pairing: Wylan van Eck x Jesper Fahey Summary: “Do you need some champagne to make it through this time with me?” Wylan tilted his head to the side, a grin on his lips, obviously not serious about this at all. “I definitely don’t, darling, but who knows how long we’ll be in here, wo we might get thirsty.” The way Jesper’s eyes scanned his upper body, his neck, and stopped at his lips made Wylan think of something else entirely. He actually felt a little hot under the collar, and that only intensified when Jesper loosened his tie before taking it off and putting it in his pocket. “Been waiting to take this thing off ever since I put it on,” Jesper explained while he opened the top buttons of his dress shirt, drawing Wylan’s eyes immediately to the skin he was showing like that. Or Wylan’s POV of their first meeting, and the moment they got stuck in the elevator.

Warning/Tags: POV Jesper Fahey, POV Wylan van Eck, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Alternate Universe - Figure skating, Hockey Coach Kaz Brekker, injuries, Jan van Eck is the scum of the Earth, sexual content, implied child abuse A/N: Just like promised, it's Friday, and this means Chapter 2 💚

Chapter 1 Read on AO3

Wylan took another deep breath as he checked his reflection in the mirror. The dark green bowtie had been an idea from his coach Inej, and he quite liked it as well as the black suit and suspenders combination with the crisp white shirt. His hair looked rather curly today, but by now he’d given up on trying to tame them and just went with it. Everyone else seemed to love it - apart from his father who’d made him cut his hair when he’d been younger, so it was all the more reason for him to wear it like that.

It would have been lovely if Inej had been able to join him, but she had other obligations. She’d tried to switch some things around to make it happen, so that she could act as a buffer between him and his father, but it hadn’t been possible. All of that wouldn’t have been so bad, if they hadn’t put him right next to his father, because everyone thought that they wanted it. In fact, only his father wanted that to show everyone that they were a happy little family, but Wylan would have loved to sit at the other end of the room.

Jan van Eck was someone people admired, looked up to because he’d made a name for himself as a hockey star, and it was something Wylan understood, since his father was a legend. But as a person, he wasn’t what everyone believed him to be. He had so many memories he’d like to erase, and yet he still wanted to gain his father’s approval, make him proud. Honestly, he shouldn’t give a damn about what he thought, but he did. No matter how hard he tried not to think that way.

He grabbed his belongings and put on his jacket, before he stood here any longer reminiscing about his family and his life. He just had to get through the evening, and he would be free of his father for a while. If he was lucky even until around Christmas where they’d be at the Mayor’s Christmas Party again. For tonight, Wylan would just try to smile, make polite conversation and try to stay away from his father as much as possible. Once the dinner part was over, he’d just mingle with the people, see if he found anyone he knew, and then head home when he felt like it. That was the plan at least, since he wouldn’t be buying anything at the auction, and he’d find out soon enough, who’d be the highest bidder on the costume he’d worn at his last competition, when he’d won silver.

He didn’t take his own car but called for a taxi, because he didn’t know how the evening would go, whether he’d have more to drink than a glass of champagne, but knowing his father, he might definitely need it. Especially because his fiancée was accompanying him. Alys was a sweet girl, about the same age as him, so Wylan had no idea why she was by his father’s side. Maybe, he treated her differently than he did Wylan, maybe he actually cared for her, but since he knew how his father could get, he thought that she deserved better.

When he got there, his father was already at their table and Alys was sitting quietly next to him. Wylan was still earlier than most people, and he would have loved to stay back, maybe go to the bar first or take a look around the ballroom, but his father had spotted him, so he didn’t have a choice but to go over there. He knew that people were always watching his father, and so they’d watch their interaction as well - especially the photographers, since they loved taking pictures of the hockey legend and his figure skating son. Both of them were born to be on the ice, just in different sports, and that seemed to be the problem for his father. Well, at least one of his problems.

“They want to take some pictures of the three of us,” his father said the moment he approached his place at the table. No greeting beforehand, but Wylan hadn’t expected that anyway.

“Maybe we should do that straight away then,” he suggested, putting his glass down, but he didn’t sit down.

“Good idea. The food might make me look bloated,” Alys piqued up and actually smiled at Wylan. She’d never given him a hard time, had actually always been nice to him, Wylan just preferred to stay away from her when she started singing.

“You’d look beautiful either way,” his father cooed, and Wylan resisted the urge to roll his eyes. At least, they set into motion and found the photographer so that he could snap some happy family pictures of them. Wylan’s smile looked plastered on. It was the one reserved for occasions like this or when reporters asked him any strange questions, but people who knew him well could tell the difference between this smile and an honest one.

Once that was over and done with, Wylan seized the opportunity to take a selfie with the ballroom in the background for his instagram account, to let the people in on what he was doing. He captioned it with where he was and what he was doing, and that he was hoping for a great evening. With that done, he followed his father and soon to be stepmother back to their table.

Meanwhile, their table had filled with people, and he was surprised to see a familiar face. When Nina caught his eye, she smiled and waved at him. He hadn’t expected to see his physiotherapist here, but it was a nice surprise, especially because she was in company of the guy she’d been raving about - Matthias Helvar, Captain of the Ketterdam Crows. And next to him, there was the one they called Sharpshooter: Jesper Fahey. Wylan had seen him play a couple of times, because even though he didn’t play himself, was just not cut out for that, the years of living with a hockey legend had made him take an interest in the sport and learn whatever he could about it, had even played when he’d been a child. As much as he wanted to not like the sport itself, he couldn’t.

Jesper was really handsome, had an elegance about himself that was hard to describe and stood quite in contrast with the way he moved on the ice and could knock his opponents over. Wylan had to admit that his knees got a little weak when he saw him smile, when that smile was suddenly directed at him. He quickly looked down again, because apparently, he’d been staring and Jesper had caught him.

Over the course of the dinner, Wylan stole glances at him again, while his father’s voice dominated the conversation at the table, making Wylan wince, because of some memories he had. This time, his father didn’t raise his voice at him, because he’d done something wrong, but his loud voice still made these memories pop up, especially when he was sitting right next to him. 

He was glad when they only had their dessert left, but they’d have to wait a moment for that. After that, Wylan could get up and move around, meet some other people, and maybe enjoy the evening a little bit.

“You’re gonna dance with Alys later on. It will be great material for the press.” His father’s voice was lowered, close to his ear, and made him shiver.

“Excuse me?” Wylan turned his head to look at him.

“You heard me. She wants to dance with you.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Wylan knew that he was challenging him, but he also didn’t want to give in just like that. Not at twenty-six when he’d been living on his own for quite some time.

“Do you really want to embarrass me?” His father didn’t have a lot on him since Wylan had gone public with his dyslexia last year, not wanting him to have that kind of leverage on him anymore, and because he wanted to encourage other people with this as well, to show them that something like this didn’t have to hold them back, that they could still reach for whatever they wanted. But he still knew that his father would bring out whatever to get back to him.

“Fine,” he mumbled and got up so quickly that he nearly knocked his chair over. He was aware of the eyes on him, saw the worry in Nina’s eyes, but just smiled at her. “If you’ll excuse me for a moment.”

He needed a drink. Probably more than one if he was being honest, and definitely something stronger than the champagne they were serving. Of course, he wasn’t planning on getting black out drunk, but depending on how the evening would progress, he wouldn’t say that it was impossible.

He ordered a gin tonic and paid for it straight away. Maybe, he could pass some time by nipping at it, so he didn’t buy the next one in a matter of minutes. Little did he know that someone would change his plans.

It didn’t take long until someone appeared right next to him. When he turned his head, he realised that it was Jesper Fahey, and his heart immediately skipped a beat. Even more so when Jesper ordered a drink for him as well. He felt a little stupid for pointing out that he already had a drink, but Jesper’s reasoning was actually kind of sweet. The little conversation between him and his father hadn’t gone unnoticed, though he doubted that Jesper had heard what they’d been talking about. Wylan downed his drink to make room for the new one Jesper had ordered for him as well, because he was quite curious about the drink now.

It was sweet that Jesper introduced himself, though there was no need for that. He already knew who Wylan was as well after talking about his father.

“Do you now?” Jesper said, making Wylan’s heartbeat pick up its rate a little. Not because of the words exactly, but because of the way he said them and the way he was trailing his eyes over Wylan’s body. Once they looked into each other’s eyes, he felt the heat in his cheeks, knew immediately that they’d changed colour, and he was just hoping that it wasn’t too bad, or that Jesper wouldn’t really see it in the lighting here.

Of course he knew who Jesper was, because he knew all the hockey players for the Crows. He watched most of their games and followed trade deadlines, had talked to some of them, whether in person or on social media, but it was his first time talking to him. When Jesper mentioned that he’d thought he may have looked him up, Wylan felt rather bold for saying that maybe he had done just that. But they couldn’t get more deeply into the topic, which was probably for the better when their drinks were ready for them.

Jesper hadn’t exaggerated with the drink, because it really was delicious and it looked spectacular as well. For a moment, he hadn’t been sure, but when Jesper said that he didn’t just have a great taste in drinks and added that wink, he was sure that Jesper Fahey was flirting with him. Good, because Wylan was flirting or at least trying to flirt with him as well. He’d definitely like for Jesper to prove it to him, though - but they didn’t get the chance right now. Their next and last course would be served, so they had to head back to the table.

The way Jesper led him back to their table, made him shiver slightly. It felt good, very protective. When he talked about Wylan’s father, though, Jesper gained even more plus points with him. It was rare to find someone who didn’t like Jan van Eck. And he’d even save Wylan from his father and stepmother to be if he needed it. That was really sweet.

“I will,” he reassured Jesper, a smile on his face, when he asked about a dance later on. He really wanted that as well and so much more actually, so he took one of the pens on the table and tore a piece off his napkin so he could write his phone number on it. Maybe, he could hand it to Jesper later on, or put it in his pocket at least, since he might forget about it otherwise. His father changed his plans for the evening completely as soon as dessert was over. Wylan wanted to get up and maybe get another drink before he would say hello to some other people, but his father had already not been happy with the drink he’d brought to the table. Wylan rarely drank alcohol, so tonight was a special occasion for him, and he felt like he deserved this as well. His father on the other hand thought that Wylan would maybe embarrass himself just because he couldn’t hold his own liquor. 

“You’re staying right here where I can see you,” Jan van Eck said, putting a hand on the back of Wylan’s chair to keep him from getting up.

“I’m not a child anymore. I make my own decisions. You can’t keep me here.”

“Since I can’t change it, you’re still my child, and you need to behave properly.”

“What do you think I’ll do? Get drunk and start tearing off my clothes on the table?” Wylan squinted at his father, knowing that he was striking a nerve with this. Not because of public indecency in itself, but because people would see the scars on his lower back and his thighs, and that was something his father wanted to keep hidden.

“You stay right here.” Jan took the hand from the back of Wylan’s chair and wrapped it around his wrist, holding him so tightly that it hurt.

“Let go of me,” he said through gritted teeth, memories rushing back at him, and he balled his hand into a fist. He just wanted to go now, wanted to turn his back on his father and leave him here.

“You should behave and not be so ungrateful.”

“If you don’t let me go, I’ll tell everyone what you did to me. Everything.” Wylan doubted that he’d be so brave as to really do that here and now, but as long as he faked it well enough that his father would believe him, that was good enough for him.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Do you really want to find out?”

The moment his father’s hand around his wrist loosened, Wylan ripped it free from him and pretty much fled from the ballroom towards the elevator. Impatiently, he pushed the button a couple of times, as if that would change anything, but it felt like forever until the doors opened one way or another. With a sigh, Wylan stepped inside and walked over to the opposite wall. After pressing the button to the ground floor, he leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath. Just when he wanted to close his eyes along with the doors, they were held open. A little irritated, he opened his eyes again, and was surprised to see Jesper Fahey step into the elevator.

“Couldn’t let you dash off all by yourself.”

It was sweet, really, and it made Wylan’s heart thump against his chest, and he felt the corners of his mouth twitch up. It was an honest smile, because he was genuinely touched.

“And I see you brought something with you.” Wylan indicated the bottle in Jesper’s hand, who raised it immediately. Now, the door was closing and they began their way down.

“Thought that might come in handy after your… conversation with your father.”

Of course Jesper had seen that, but they’d been so quiet that Jesper couldn’t have heard them.

“I may have overreacted,” Wylan said, because he was used to it, not because he really believed it, but he also didn’t want anyone to think ill of his father. Though with Jesper, he was rather sure that he didn’t have to make that effort.

“I don’t think so. I have no idea what you were talking about and you don’t have to tell me, but your reaction is absolutely valid, because it’s what you felt at that moment.” Jesper shrugged his shoulder and raised the bottle to his lips to drink something, before he handed it over to Wylan, who took it with a nod of his head.

He was a little overwhelmed with the words Jesper had just said. They really touched him, and they had been so unexpected that he still had to process them. Still, he managed to say: “Thank you, that means a lot.”

Just when he’d finished drinking from the bottle, the elevator jerked, before it stopped altogether. Wylan’s eyes widened and his heart sank. This could only be some kind of joke, right? He looked left and right, before his eyes landed on the board with the buttons, but nothing was happening. It wasn’t just a feeling he had, the elevator was stuck.

“Are you kidding me?” he heard Jesper mumble, who ran a hand over his hair before stepping up to the board and pressing a few buttons. He ultimately landed on the bell and it only took a moment until someone was talking to them.

“Yeah, we’re in here. Is there anything you can do?” Jesper said, looking over at Wylan to see if he was alright. 

“We’re gonna check everything we can, and hopefully we can fix it. That will take a moment. If it works, the elevator will move again and if not, we’ll get back to you.”

“Thanks, we appreciate it.” Jesper stepped back from the intercom and looked over at Wylan. “Good thing we have something to drink with us then.”

“Do you need some champagne to make it through this time with me?” Wylan tilted his head to the side, a grin on his lips, obviously not serious about this at all.

“I definitely don’t, darling, but who knows how long we’ll be in here, wo we might get thirsty.”

The way Jesper’s eyes scanned his upper body, his neck, and stopped at his lips made Wylan think of something else entirely. He actually felt a little hot under the collar, and that only intensified when Jesper loosened his tie before taking it off and putting it in his pocket.

“Been waiting to take this thing off ever since I put it on,” Jesper explained while he opened the top buttons of his dress shirt, drawing Wylan’s eyes immediately to the skin he was showing like that.

“Not a fan of ties, I take it?” He quickly looked back up, though he figured that Jesper had taken notice of where he’d looked, judging by the smirk on his lips.

“They’re a necessary evil, but I prefer not to wear them.” It came with the job, because while they were wearing their jersey and gear on the ice, when they travelled or even had their home games, they had to come properly dressed, though most of the time, it was okay to skip the ties, except for special games.

“I get that, but it suits you really well.” Wylan bit the corner of his bottom lip. “But this suits you even better.”

“So… you like what you see?”

“Obviously.” That was out before he could think better of it, and so Wylan quickly raised the bottle to take a long drag from the champagne. Maybe, the alcohol was getting to his head, so that he acted this way. That might have been one of the reasons why Wylan put the bottle on the floor.

“Just for the record, I like what I see as well. Very much so.”

Wylan moved first, closed the distance between them and sought leverage on Jesper’s shoulder with his right hand, before he kissed him. He felt like his head was spinning, but this was definitely not from the alcohol, but because of how Jesper made him feel when his hands found his waist and squeezed. Wylan gasped into the kiss, and Jesper seized that moment to deepen the kiss, lick into his mouth. Wylan’s hand slid from his shoulder up along his neck and into his hair, grabbing it slightly. That made Jesper break apart from his lips with a moan.

“Sorry,” Wylan mumbled, a little embarrassed, because he thought he’d done something wrong.

“No need to apologise at all. Do it again,” Jesper breathed against his skin, peppering kisses over his cheek, heading towards his neck, and when he reached that, he pressed an open mouthed kiss against the delicate skin, it was Wylan who moaned, but he managed to follow Jesper’s request and grabbed his hair again.

His left hand managed to sneak beneath Jesper’s jacket, over his side and to his hip as he tilted his head to the side, giving him better access to his neck. This was definitely not where he’d seen himself end up tonight.

“This has to go,” Jesper whispered against his neck, but his lips steered up a bit so he could kiss him right below his ear, tearing another moan from Wylan while Jesper managed to take the bowtie off him. Where it landed, Wylan had no idea, and frankly, he didn’t care all that much. All he cared about was the hot man driving him out of his mind with the kisses he placed on his skin. When he sucked below his ear, though, Wylan’s knees almost gave in and he sunk against Jesper.

“Jesper,” he breathed on a moan, his fingers pulling Jesper’s shirt out of his trousers at his back, so he could slip his hand beneath it and touch his skin. He needed this right now.

“Good?” Jesper asked, nipping on his earlobe before he kissed his way down along his neck again

“Great… amazing.” Wylan’s fingers pressed against Jesper’s back, as his own body pressed against him as well, wanting to be even closer to him.

“Oh, I can feel that,” Jesper said with a grin as he raised his head again, looking into Wylan’s eyes, whose pupils were probably as wide as Jesper’s, because he was so aroused. He’d never been this aroused so quickly, and he definitely attributed that to Jesper. Wylan was glad that his cheeks were already flushed, because otherwise, he might have blushed at Jesper’s observation. Jesper, who pushed his hips forward a little more for Wylan to feel what he was doing to him in turn.

“Glad I’m not alone,” Wylan said through a smile, before he rose to the balls of his feet to kiss Jesper again. Jesper’s hands slid up from his waist and he wrapped them around Wylan’s suspenders.

“God, I love these,” he mumbled between kisses. “So sexy.”

Wylan’s heart was beating a mile a minute, but he still managed to do what he’d wanted to do. He pulled the hand from Jesper’s hair and reached into his pocket to take out the napkin piece and put it in Jesper’s pocket. However he had the brain capacity to do that, he didn’t know, but as soon as he’d done that, he placed his hand on Jesper’s chest, his thumb brushing over the patch of skin that was showing, because he couldn’t resist.

When their lips separated the next time, it was Wylan who latched his lips onto Jesper’s neck, nipping and sucking on his skin, until he couldn’t resist but leave a mark on him as well, since he was pretty sure that Jesper had left one below his ear before.

“Marking me up already?” The smile was audible in Jesper’s voice, his fingers pulling on Wylan’s shirt so that he could push his hands beneath it at his sides. Wylan moaned quietly at the skin contact, goosebumps covering his skin where Jesper touched him.

“You started that.”

Before they could say anything else, the elevator jerked again and continued its journey downwards. They both just stared at each other for a moment, but then they laughed together. Was it a good thing that it started moving again or not? Wylan wasn’t sure, because now that Jesper wasn’t kissing him anymore, and they were both making themselves look presentable again - as much as that was possible in their aroused state - his mind went into overdrive and he started questioning what he was doing.

This wasn’t like him at all. He usually didn’t make out with someone in an elevator like that. He had no idea where this would lead or what Jesper wanted out of this.

And so he panicked.

“Are you okay?” Jesper asked, touching his fingers to Wylan’s shoulder to get him to look at him.

“I’m… I don’t know.” Wylan shook his head, his heart racing in his chest, because he really wasn’t sure whether he was okay or not, but the panic rising inside him made him run both hands over his face and through his hair, leaving it in utter disarray. When the doors opened at the ground floor, Wylan stepped out immediately. “I’m sorry, but I have to go.”

If Jesper wanted to, he could contact Wylan, since he’d given him his phone number - without him knowing so far - but right now, Wylan wasn’t in the shape to spend more time with him, no matter how much his body and heart disagreed. He’d always been too much in his head as Inej liked to put it, but he couldn’t turn it off.

“Wylan…” Jesper stepped out as well, but Wylan was already halfway to the front door and only called back a sorry before he was out of the building.

Two things were for certain. Kissing Jesper had been one of the bravest things he’d ever done, because it was so unlike him. Leaving him standing there like this was one of the dumbest things he’d ever done.

[emmy-everafter]

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Pentagram

I'm excited to finally reveal the fic I've been working on for this year's @grishaversebigbang --and just in time for spooky season! I was paired with four incredible materialki who created some truly excellent art to accompany the fic. You can check out their work here:

Art by @crypitick

Art by @polekands

Art #1 and Art #2 by @idkchatie

Art by @discountscoobyart

Without further ado, here is the first chapter of We're Gonna Need a Bigger Pentagram!

Fandoms: Six of Crows, Shadow & Bone (TV)

Rating: T

Relationships: Crows as found family (with minor Helnik, Kanej, and Wesper)

Modern/Housemates/Magic AU, Nina POV, Supernatural chosen family shenanigans with a side of humor

Ongoing (Ch. 1 of 6)

Summary: Nina Zenik is a vet med student who's almost done with her clinical rotations... but she's also secretly a very powerful witch. When someone brings a cursed, injured werewolf into the animal hospital, Nina decides to try to save his life, despite the bitter hatred that exists between wolves and witches. She enlists the help of her housemates, Jesper (who's also a witch), Inej (who's fae), and Kaz (who may or may not be a vampire). But breaking this curse requires more than Nina bargained for, and time is running out. Can the Crows save the werewolf before it's too late? More importantly, can they do it under the nose of their all-too-human housemate, Wylan? And--perhaps the most important question of all--will Nina finally get some decent waffles?

Read the first chapter (3k) below or on AO3.

Chapter 1: Why did it have to be werewolves?

(CW for non-graphic mentions of blood & injury, harm to an animal, brief references to drugs [anesthesia, weed])

The thing about werewolves, Nina thought, risking one more glance over her shoulder at the slab of fur trembling in her backseat, was that they didn’t exactly sedate easily.

Although that was probably a good thing, she supposed. If this particular wolf had gone down after the first two tranquilizers, then perhaps she never would have been called back to help, and then she would have been too late to do anything. Did you hear about the wolf? Park ranger brought him in. Hit by a car, probably. Too bad we couldn’t save him. So weird how his body seemed to reject every medication, every suture. Oh well, c’est la vie, back to the horses and the goats.

But he hadn’t gone down, and one of the techs had thundered past, shouting at her to come quick and give us a hand!

When Nina had arrived in the operating room, she knew immediately that this was no ordinary wolf. She could feel the prickle of magic tingling up her spine, could smell the supernatural on him. He was stretched out on a table, a mountain of silvery-gray fur, enormous and blood-soaked, still thrashing feebly even as three techs tried to hold him down.

She froze, staring at the shape of his muzzle, the slope of his ears—just a little off, nothing to notice unless you knew what to look for. His head had flopped over, and for a long moment the werewolf made eye contact with her. Nina let out a soft gasp despite herself, despite the fact that she’d seen shifted wolves a handful of times before. She knew that their eyes always looked so unbearably human, and yet—it caught her by surprise, the moment of recognition when he noticed her, the heartbreak and terror and pain in his expression, the shame.

Nina felt her heart shatter, just a little.

“Zenik, grab the tranq!” one of the techs had shouted at her as the wolf seemed to regain more of his energy, breaking away from her gaze to thrash more earnestly.

She hadn’t bothered to think it through. While there was still some part of her that recoiled like a hissing cat at the presence of a werewolf, some part of her that screamed danger! at the sight of his gleaming fangs that had probably killed countless witches in the past, those instincts had been overwhelmed by the pain in the wolf’s eyes and the knowledge that if she didn’t do something right now, she would have to watch him die.

Her decision was already made, one hand already surreptitiously weaving the spell as she picked up the syringe with the other. She needed to work quickly if she was going to have any chance at all.

She didn’t know much about werewolf biology. The packs were notoriously private, protective of any and all information regarding their own species, but what she did know was that it was incredibly dangerous—impossible, even—for outsiders to treat wolves in their shifted forms. Only pack healers had any hope of actually helping in these sorts of situations. And, of course, the fact that this wolf was shifted right now was another complicating factor in and of itself. It wasn’t a full moon, which meant that something had gone terribly wrong for this wolf to get shift-stuck—some kind of spell, she guessed, judging by the oppressive feeling of magic roiling off his body.

If her colleagues—regular, ordinary human vets who had no idea the supernatural world existed at all—tried to help the wolf, she was certain he’d end up dead in less than an hour. But of course, she’d reminded herself as her enchantment began to take hold, I don’t know how to safely help him, either.

The wolf had finally slumped down onto the table, unconscious… followed by all of the humans in the room, each pausing in the middle of whatever they’d been doing, still standing but otherwise out cold.

Nina had shaken out her wrists, cracked her neck, and started weaving the memory glamour. Her first thought was to make them forget the wolf had come in at all, but that would mean trying to account for the lost time, as well as finding the park ranger later to erase everything for her, too. Removing memories was always trickier anyway—you ran the risk of leaving a gap, an itch that the brain longed to scratch and scratch until it found an answer. Her coworkers might not remember the wolf, but some of them might have an unshakeable sense that something had happened, something strange and noteworthy they couldn’t quite recall, and that meant people might start asking questions, poking and prodding.

No, it would be easier to convince everyone that the wolf had died from his injuries not long after arriving, that his body had already been picked up by wildlife services, that all that anyone needed to do now was complete the requisite paperwork.

It would be quick, shoddy spellwork either way, and she’d probably have to fudge some records in the database during her next shift, but figuring out a plan to save the wolf came first.

The moment the glamour was complete, she’d whipped her phone out, putting the call on speaker so she could keep her hands free.

Genya picked up after three rings. “Hey, what’s up?”

“I need a favor,” she’d said without preamble, maneuvering a trolley over towards the wolf. It had probably taken four people to lift him up onto the table, but Nina had magic and gravity on her side.

“Okay…?” Genya sounded nervous, and given the wild sorts of favors she’d asked for in the past, Nina couldn’t really blame her.

“Can you get in touch with your contact in the Drüskelle pack? Someone brought in a wolf today—one of theirs, most likely—and I can’t do much to help him when he’s shift-stuck like this.”

Genya had taken a moment to process all of that—a shifted, injured werewolf, brought into the East Ketterdam Large Animal Hospital as if he were no different from the farm animals and racing horses they usually treated—then finally said, “I can try.”

“Good. I’m bringing him back to my place. Have them send a healer there.”

Genya hung up right before Nina’s spell slipped under the wolf’s enormous weight, causing him to fall the last few inches down onto the metal trolley with a loud crash. Even unconscious, the wolf whimpered in pain.

“Sorry,” she’d whispered, before turning her attention to the problem of getting to the parking lot without being seen.

And that was how Nina had ended up driving home as fast as she dared with a werewolf bleeding out in her backseat.

Her sleep spell was fairly strong, but she had no idea how long it would last on a creature this large, so she renewed the enchantment at every red light, just in case.

She also called Inej, the normally melodic timbre of her housemate’s voice sounding tinny and distorted when routed through the car’s speakers.

“What’s wrong, Nina?”

“What makes you think anything is wrong?” She drummed her fingers nervously on the wheel and fought the urge to look back at the wolf again. He was still breathing—she could feel it—but she wanted to check anyway. Just in case.

“If nothing was wrong, you would’ve just texted.”

“Maybe I wanted to hear my best friend’s voice.”

“Nina,” Inej sighed, “just tell me.”

Nina huffed in response. “Fine. Look, is everyone at home?”

“I think so? Well, Jesper had some meetings but he’s on his way back here. He said he was gonna stop and pick up pizza for everyone.”

“Okay, if he gets back before me, I need him to start weaving some soundproofing spells in the basement. Go ahead and grab my bestiary and bring it down there, and my potions kit, too. And we’re gonna need lots of towels, as many as you can find. You’ll have to keep Wylan upstairs somehow.”

Nina hit another red light and bit her lip to reign in a frustrated groan. This is taking too long.

“It’s Thursday. Wylan’s probably planning to do his laundry tonight,” Inej replied.

“You’ll just have to think of some excuse. Tell him the machine is broken or something. But he can’t be down there.”

“And why is that, exactly?”

Cars streamed past in front of her, racing endlessly through the intersection, their light still green, Nina’s still red.

Fuck it. She raised her hands over the steering wheel and mumbled the incantation under her breath, improvising the words a little to fit the magic to the stoplight—it was technically a spell meant for turning an ordinary light on and off, but she thought it might work.

For a moment, nothing happened, and Nina worried that perhaps the stoplight mechanism had too many switches and circuits or too many digital parts for her simple spell to have any effect. She’d never been great with technomagic—as a heartrender, blood and bodies were her specialty—and the more something was computerized and complex, the harder it was for her to navigate. But then…

One last flick of her wrist, and the light for the cross traffic went yellow.

“Nina?” Inej’s voice was sharper now, closer to a warning. “What’s going on?”

Green light. Fucking finally.

“Soooo,” she began, her car surging forward again, “I may or may not be bringing work home.”

“If this is another goat, Nina, I swear…”

Nina winced. Once, she’d snuck a dying goat out of the clinic when her coworkers had decided there was nothing left to be done for the poor creature. And when it came to a human understanding of veterinary medicine, perhaps they were correct, but Nina knew she could save him with the spells in her bestiary and the power of her blood magic. She’d known her housemates wouldn’t exactly be thrilled about the situation. What she hadn’tanticipated was Jesper getting attached.

So now, Milo the goat lived in the shed beside the greenhouse, to the immense displeasure of everyone in Crow House except Jesper. When he stayed in his pen, Milo was tolerable, even adorable, but when he escaped—as he did at least two or three times a month—he became a menace, eating anything he could get his nasty little hooves on. So far, Milo’s list of victims included some of Wylan’s sheet music, one of Nina’s astrological grimoires, a pair of Inej’s pointe shoes, three pairs of Kaz’s ridiculously expensive gloves, multiple waffles, an entire carton of wontons, and some of everything that Jesper and Nina grew in the greenhouse out back, including an unholy amount of weed.

“The good news is, it’s not a goat,” Nina said brightly.

Inej heaved a resigned sigh. “And the bad news…?”

“The bad news is that it’s a werewolf.”

“Nina!” Inej groaned.

“He’s dying! And shift-stuck! What was I supposed to do?” Nina took a turn a little too hard, and in the backseat, the wolf slid and hit his muzzle against the door. Shit.

“What can you even do? You can’t treat a shifted wolf.”

“I know!” Her fingers clenched around the wheel. “Look, it’s temporary, okay? I’ve already called a friend who has contacts in the local pack. They’ll send someone to help and then it won’t be our problem anymore. We just need to keep him stable until the healer comes.”

Inej was quiet on the other end for a long moment. Eventually, she said, “Fine. I’ll see what towels I can find.”

Nina blew out her breath, relieved. “Thank you. I’ll be there in fifteen. It might be good to have some blood on hand, if Kaz has any. And make sure Wylan…”

“Yeah, I’ll keep him upstairs,” Inej interrupted. “See you soon.”

The call disconnected. Nina pressed a thumb to her temple where a headache had already started to build, rubbing the pad of her finger into the skin and releasing a small thread of magic to chase the pain away.

She knew Inej was irritated with her, but at least Nina could trust that her best friend would be on board with helping an injured creature. Inej was kind like that—compassionate, always empathetic with the pain of others. She wouldn’t just let the wolf die, even if taking him in was inconvenient in a number of ways. And Jesper probably wouldn’t mind much either. He was always down for Nina’s wild and unexpected shenanigans, as long as no harm came to his friends or to his precious hats. If all went well, Wylan would never know anything was happening. But Kaz…

Kaz is going to absolutely hate this.

The situation ticked off almost every box on the list of things Kaz didn’t like: last-minute surprises, strangers in his space, unnecessary risks, sticking his neck out for other people, making Nina happy. And while most decisions in Crow House were made democratically, Kaz remained resolutely in charge of the chore schedule, which he enforced by subtly reminding his housemates that he could drain all the money from their bank accounts—and possibly all the blood from their bodies—in the blink of an eye. Nina had a feeling there would be a lot of toilet scrubbing in her future.

She was only a few minutes away from home when her phone rang again.

“I managed to get in touch with the pack,” Genya said when she picked up.

Immediately, Nina could hear something cautious in her tone, something grim. “And?”

“They’re not sending anyone.”

“Why the hell not?” Without meaning to, Nina found herself nearly shouting.  

“Nina…”

She didn’t have to see Genya’s face to know what expression she wore in that moment—Nina had seen it too many times during her years with the Grisha to ever forget, not just from Genya but from everyone. Zoya’s infuriatingly calm voice echoed through her head, shaming her, as always, for being too fucking much, for acting recklessly from a place of emotion rather than trying to be reasonable. Slow down, Nina. Get ahold of your anger. Control yourself.

And as always, it only served to make her even more enraged.

“They’re the only ones who can help him! Are they really just going to let one of their own die?”

Genya sighed. “Yes, that’s exactly what they’re going to do. In fact, I think it was their goal all along.”

“What?” she screeched, stomping on the brakes in her anger.

Luckily, there was no one on the street behind her, although the wolf did slide forward a bit on the backseat, letting out another heart-wrenching whimper of pain.

“The guy I spoke to was being cagey about it, but I think I pieced most of the story together. The wolf is called Matthias Helvar, and the Drüskelle exiled him from their pack about a month ago.”

“Why?” Nina made no move to start driving forward again, not trusting herself to keep control of the car in that moment.

“I’m not sure. It sounds like he broke pack law, screwed up badly enough that they not only kicked him out but also cursed him.”

Cursed? Nina glanced over her shoulder at the shivering, unconscious wolf, covered in congealing blood that clumped in his fur and stained the fabric of the seat below him, and she suddenly understood.

“That’s why he’s shift-stuck,” she murmured, shocked by the cruelty of it.

“From what I gather, it’s some kind of… werewolf reversal? Where he’s only in his human form on the full moon and stays shifted the rest of the time, instead of the other way around. Apparently, he followed one of their hunting parties down to Ketterdam and was trying to sneak into their camp. When they chased him off, he ran onto the highway and got hit by a semi-truck.”

“So they already knew he was injured?”

Genya’s voice was quiet when she replied, “Nina, they left him for dead.”

Nina knew all too well what it was like to be betrayed and abandoned by the people who were supposed to be your family, but this… She shook her head, angry tears pricking at her eyes. This wolf—this Matthias—had been exiled, cursed, and left to die on the side of a highway by his own pack. Surely, no transgression against Drüskelle law was awful enough to merit that kind of punishment, right?

Faint memories of her lessons at the Little Palace began to trickle in—diagrams in textbooks illustrating the cold, draconian hierarchies of the Northern packs, lectures about wolf culture that devolved into tirades about the Drüskelle’s violent attempts to destroy not only the Grisha organization, but all witches everywhere, fueled by their hypocritical ideology that saw werewolves as the next step in evolution but witches as an unnatural abomination to be cleansed from the earth like a plague. The wolves are not like us, she remembered hearing, over and over. They did not come from the Other Realm but instead began as humans, and like humans, they cannot be trusted.  

Nina had spent the past few years trying to unlearn the prejudice and cynicism instilled in her at the Little Palace, with varying levels of success, but now, she wondered if perhaps they’d been right about some things.

“What are you going to do?” Genya asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied, trying—and likely failing—not to sound too murderous. “I’ll figure something out.”

“Just remember that he’s a wolf, Nina.”

“Does that mean he deserves to die?” she snapped in response.

“No, but he probably thinks that you do, just by virtue of existing as a witch. He may not want your help, and even if you do somehow manage to save him, he might very well kill you in your sleep instead of saying thank you.”

Nina knew she was probably right, and yet… This is why I left—so I could help everyone, not just the people that the Grisha think are worth saving.

“I can handle myself. And I’m not going to sink to their level. Unlike some people, I’m not obsessed with only protecting my own kind.”

With that, Nina hung up and disconnected the phone from the car’s bluetooth, and then, for good measure, put her phone on silent and tossed it into her bag in the passenger seat. She knew she wasn’t being fair, especially since Genya was one of the only people in the Grisha still willing to help her now that she’d gone independent. But it was hard not to be angry when she could hear Matthias’s heartbeat fluttering dangerously just a few feet behind her, could feel his nerves sparking with pain, knowing that his own family had let it happen, caused it to happen, because of one mistake.

It was hard not to relate—even if that meant empathizing with a damn werewolf.  

A sudden honk behind her reminded Nina that she was still stopped in the middle of the road.

“Alright, I’m going! Saints.” She finally lifted her foot from the brake and got the car moving again, squeezing the wheel tightly to stop her hands from trembling. Her headache was already coming back—she’d probably need to take one of those human painkillers when she got home and conserve her magical energy for… well, for whatever it was going to take to help this wolf.

Maybe Matthias wouldn’t want her help. Maybe he would try to attack her (although in that case, she could always sic Kaz on him). Maybe she wouldn’t be able to do anything at all and the wolf would die in their basement amongst the piles of Jesper’s dirty laundry and Inej’s sweat-soaked practice mats.

But Nina Zenik had never once backed down from a challenge. She’d been top of her class in vet school for three years in a row and was the best heartrender the Little Palace had seen in more than a century—even Zoya had admitted it. And if there was any chance at all of saving this wolf, nothing in this realm or the next could stop Nina from trying…

Not even her housemates. 

[jazzythursday]

Tagged by @aphroditestummyrolls for belated end of the year questions. Thanks for thinking of me! 🥹💖

Tagging @stormkpr @waterloou @sparrowmoth @its-tortle if you feel so inclined

What is your favourite thing you created?

I’m going with Cutting Loses for this one, because it’s the first wesper thing I posted on ao3 and the fic I go back to reread the most. It’s also a really solid example of my favourite way to write Wylan’s inner monologue and characterisation.

Which work are you proudest of?

Everyday, Just a Little or a Little Bit—My baby, my child, my 40k love letter to wesper. And I am so so close to finishing it!

Is there anything you are proud of that you achieved this year?

For writing, I’m really proud that I completed all the wesper week prompts earlier in the year. I loved participating and I feel like it helped a lot in developing my writing.

And something I’m proud of outside of writing—I’ve always had a really hard time meeting people through fandom, but finding mutuals on here through wesper and talking to so many wonderful people on discord is something I’m so proud of getting to experience. (And Mutuals reading this, just know that you make my little corner of the internet so much brighter, and even though I’m not the best at reaching out I’m always happy to chat abt anything 💖)

Did you explore anything new this year? (A new way to be creative, a trope you didn’t write before, or an idea you hadn’t thought of earlier, etc.)

Writing Wylan and Jesper as neurodivergent—and exploring my own nurodivergence through writing—is completely new to me, but it’s something that I’ve really enjoyed and want to continue this year!

Which work gave you the most difficulty?

The 4th chapter of Everyday has been a big challenge, I think just because I had a clearer direction for the first three and I always knew where I was going. Because 4th is after the original arc I planned, it’s been harder to nail down what I want out of it. I kept fighting on myself about which sections were too long and what needed more, and feeling too tired/busy/stressed to make decisions about it before winter break.

What was your biggest creative challenge this year?

Probably not letting perfectionism and low self esteem stop me from writing? Getting myself to actually write, and then edit, and actually post things—feeling like my writing is actually worth beta-ing and caring about as much as I do, etc. I go through periods sometimes of not being able to even look at my drafts without feeling overwhelmed, and so not falling off the wagon completely even through my accidental hiatus the last few months has been a real challenge.

Which work brought you the most joy?

Hmm. As far as fics go I want to say it’s Everyday? Buts it’s also brought me the most stress lol. I think what’s really brought me the most joy is just talking to people about my fics. Getting feedback on ao3 and on all the drabbles I’ve posted on tumblr throughout the year.

Which of your works do you think people should check out?

All of them if they want to! But Everyday, Just a Little or a Little Bit, Cutting Losses, I Need to Leave (Please Stay), and Careless is The Fall are all personal faves of mine.

Do you have creative plans for next year? Is there anything exciting you’re currently working on?

SO MANY (if I can find the time and energy) that I’m really excited to get to! Even once I post the last chapter of Everyday, there’s still so many moments and scenes and ideas from it that I’ve wanted to expand into one shots. To name a few: an expanded scene from the end of ch 2, Jesper’s pov of some of ch 3, and an outsider pov with the bookkeeper from ch 1 (he has a name and his husband has a name and they both have backstories 🤗)

There are also still a lot of wips in my docs that I’ve been neglecting. The wylan whump fic, jealous jesper, multiple post-ck things, jesper character study, and so many more.

Lastly, any words of wisdom or anything else you would like to share?

Write what you want to read, and chances are that it will find other people who will be so happy you wrote it.

[lonslibrary]

 best characterization lines from the crows—nina zenik

“She shoved one of the cakes from the cofee service into her mouth and mumbled, ‘What do you want, Kaz?’

‘You have crumbs on your cleavage.’ 

‘Don’t care,’ she said, taking another bite of cake. ‘So hungry.” 

Kaz shook his head, amused and impressed at how quickly Nina dropped the wise Grisha priestess act. She’d missed her true calling on the stage.”

such. an. underrated relationship. ik people love to talk about the lines where she bullies him for his hair but i love this crumbs on cleavage line AND the fact that kaz truly is impressed by her skills not as a grisha, but as a performer>>> danielle galligan mentioned she used that last sentence to characterize her own performance as nina which i also love. 

“‘Of course every time [the mark] pats his back pocket or the front of his coat, what is he doing? He’s telling every thief on the Stave exactly where he keeps his scrub.’

‘Saints, grumbled Nina. ‘I’ve probably done that.’ 

‘Everyone does,’ said Inej. 

Jesper lifted a brow. “Not everyone.” 

‘That’s only because you never have anything in your wallet,’ Nina shot back. 

‘Mean.’”

i adore her honesty and sass and everything about her honestly 

“Nina had wronged him, but she’d done it to protect her people. She’d hurt him, but she’d attempted everything in her power to make things right. She’d shown him in a thousand ways that she was honourable and strong and generous and very human, maybe more vividly human than anyone he’d ever known. And if she was, then Grisha weren’t inherently evil. They were like anyone else—full of potential to do great good, and also great harm. To ignore that would make Matthias the monster.” 

i LOVE this because nina from matthias’ pov is always the best and this quote says as much about him as it does about her. get yourself a girl who will change your mind from its deadset ways that you’ve been brainwashed into since birth.

“Matthias was already up, seeing to their weapons. Nina stretched and yawned, adding a little arch to her back, pleased at the way his gaze darted over her figure before guiltily jumping back to the rifle he was loading. Gratifying. She’d practically thrown herself at him the other day. If Matthias didn’t want to take advantage of the offer, she could make damn sure he regretted it.” 

i’ve read this book over ten times and just made solid eye contact with this line. i heard people spell girlboss like nina zenik. i also heard people were right. 

WARNING ⚠️ last quote is from the chapter 39 —skip to avoid spoilers or heartbreak 🚨🚨

“Nina screamed, a howl that tore from the black space where her heart had beat only moments before. She searched for his pulse, for the light and force that had been Matthias...She felt the river around her, the black waters of grief...

‘Come back,’ she demanded. He breathed. His eyelids fluttered and opened. His eyes shone black.” 

scarlet witch vibes anyone??!! what is grief, if not love persevering? her powers develop beautifully all the way into king of scars and rule of wolves. 

aaaand my favorite series is back :)) comment below any quotes i missed! 

kaz’s version | wylan’s version | jesper’s version | nina’s version | matthias’s version | inej’s version

[morganayenneferburnham]

Have I Known You 20 Seconds or 20 Years? – Nikolai Lantsov Series

Chapter 1: Devils Roll the Dice, Angel Roll their Eyes

Chapter 2: You Did a Number on Me

Chapter 3: You Could Call Me Babe for the Weekend

Chapter 4: The Best of Times, The Worst of Crimes

Chapter 5: All I Know Since Yesterday Is Everything Has Changed

Chapter 6: That Night We Couldn't Quite Forget

A very short summary: Y/N has been working with the crows for a few years. Her life feels complete until she meets the insufferable Nikolai Lantsov. She finds herself forced to work with the King of Ravka on one of Kaz Brekker’s crazy schemes.

Word count: 2k

A/N: Coming back at you with an update!

I introduced Kaz's POV to make it a bit more interesting. Keep in mind that this is taking place a few years after the events of SOC and CK so Kaz has gotten a bit of time to heal. This chapter explores how the events of the night of the party affect Nikolai, Y/N, and Kaz.

Enjoy! :)

Chapter 6: That Night We Couldn't Quite Forget

It had been decided they would stay at the Hendriks’ mansion to prepare for the next part of the job. It would be easier to keep their plans secret that way and the mansion was much more accommodating for their group than the slat.

A few days had passed since Y/N’s troubling confession. It was true that Brekker seemed to be in a particularly sour mood every time Nikolai had tried to talk to him, but the king still couldn’t believe he’d send the Grisha back to the pleasure house.

Even if Dirtyhands truly was as ruthless as rumored, she was simply too valuable... and Nikolai didn’t believe Kaz was everything the rumors made him out to be. He hadn’t missed the hint of pride in Kaz’s voice when he talked about the many talents of his Grisha. Kaz even seemed quite possessive of the girl. Nikolai knew something else had to be going on. Y/N had to be mistaken. Kaz wouldn’t send her back to the pleasure house, Nikolai was sure of it. So why was she convinced he would? What had given her that impression?

Y/N had avoided him since that fateful conversation, but her distance had done little to clear Nikolai’s mind. Had he really imagined the hurt in her eyes when he had told her he shouldn’t have kissed her? Of course. He had to have imagined it. Surely, she couldn’t believe he didn’t want her. She was intriguing, brilliant, and absolutely gorgeous. How could he not want her? How could anyone not want her?

Nikolai couldn’t stop thinking about her. When his mind wasn’t trying to understand what had happened between her and Brekker, it wandered back to that night. The look on her face when he had pulled back from the kiss had been breathtaking. He had wanted to ignore the guard, ignore the job they had to do. He had wanted to stay in the moment, but that had been impossible.

Maybe he should go see her. He should apologize to her. For what? For kissing her? Or for saying he shouldn’t have? Maybe for asking Brekker about her? It baffled him to find himself so helpless when it came to her. He was usually so charming. Why was it so hard with Y/N? He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to know why she thought Kaz wanted to send her back to the Blue Iris. He wanted to be the one to comfort her. That was his problem. He had always wanted things he couldn’t have. He had always wanted too much. Nikolai Nothing. Nikolai, who has no right to his name. Bastard. Nikolai, who has no right to his crown. Pretender. Nikolai, who has no right to her heart.

“Nikolai! Are you even listening?” He flinched. Zoya sounded particularly annoyed.

“Of course, dear. You were going on about the report we’ve received from Tamar.”

“And what exactly does the report say, moi Tsar?” her raised eyebrow and amused smirk made it clear she knew he wouldn’t be able to answer her. Damn it, why does she have to know me so well?

A knock on the door saved him the embarrassment of having to come up with a poorly concocted excuse.

Wylan’s head popped in from the doorway. “Kaz wants to see everyone. He’s made progress with the plan.”

---

Nikolai and Zoya had made their way to the music room, following Wylan through the corridors. Nikolai took place on the back of the small couch facing the table Kaz was using as a makeshift desk. He was right behind the Grisha who occupied most of his thoughts. The chairs had already been occupied by the other members of their little group of misfits, and he figured he was better off leaving the last available one to Zoya. Though he would never admit it; his choice had been influenced as much by his desire to appease Zoya as his desire to be close to Y/N.

Maybe he should’ve thought about the consequences this particular sitting arrangement would have before taking place. He knew Kaz had started explaining something about the security of the base, but he just couldn’t focus on the criminal’s words. Y/N’s head was practically resting on the outside of his thigh and some of her hair was splayed across the fabric of his trousers. The flowery scent of her hair was hypnotizing. Nikolai couldn’t think straight. He wondered if it was as soft as it looked. Saints he wanted to feel it between his scarred fingers. He wanted to touch her. He wanted her.

He had wanted her since the moment they’d kiss. Since the moment he had felt her relax in his arms. If he was truly honest with himself, he had wanted her since the moment they’d met. He knew fairytales were just that, but he could’ve sworn the beautiful Grisha had cast a spell on him, just like in the stories his mother had read to him all those years ago.

---

Kaz had realized Nikolai wasn’t paying attention to anything he was saying. The King’s entire focus was on the corporalnik sitting in front of him. Kaz felt his anger bubbling inside of him. It was becoming a very familiar feeling when it came to the Ravkan King. Losing Jordie wasn’t enough? Losing Matthias and Nina wasn’t enough? Do I really have to watch her leave me too?

Inej had taken over, explaining what she and Zoya had discovered about the guards.

For a long time after Jordie’s death, Kaz had thought he didn’t really need anyone. He thought he hadn’t needed any human connection, but his crows had shown him otherwise. They had made him realize he wasn’t alone. He could rely on people. He could trust them. Losing Matthias had been hard on everyone and much harder on Nina than on any of them. Kaz had understood why Nina had left Ketterdam to go back to Ravka, but understanding hadn’t softened the blow of her departure. Kaz struggled every time he had to watch Inej leave on the ship he had given her even though he knew she always came back to him. He didn’t think he could bear watching Y/N leave their family to follow Nikolai back to Ravka.

It was funny, really. A former Drüskelle, wrongfully convicted of slavery. A Ravkan heartrender with a ridiculous appetite. A Zemeni sharpshooter with a gambling problem. A merchling runaway with a terrible father. A Suli indenture turned spy. A Kaelish corporalnik with a gift for getting on his nerves. This unlikely bunch of people had become his family. They had found their way into his cold heart. He rarely showed it, but he truly loved them.

He had already lost so much. He couldn’t bear losing anyone else. If that meant crossing a king, he wouldn’t hesitate to do it. He’d get Nikolai the plans and the prototypes he wanted, but that would be the last time he’d work with him.

Inej had stopped speaking. She was looking at him expectantly.

“Thank you Darling Inej.” The corners of his mouth quirked up, barely noticeable to anyone but her. “According to the blueprints, the antechamber to the vault functions as a scale. If any weight is added it triggers a defense mechanism. We’ll have to temper with the mechanics of it. I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. I’m hoping Wylan will come up with something.”

“On it, boss! I’ll take a look at the plans after this.” Wylan had really grown into his role with the dregs. Kaz still remembered the insecure boy he had first met for the Ice Court job.

Kaz nodded. “If triggered, the doors to the antechamber close and it becomes sealed before it fills up with water, drowning anyone inside it.”

“No pressure then.” Jesper piped up, his tone was way too jovial for the grim reality they were facing.

---

Y/N knew this meeting was important, but she couldn’t get her mind under wraps. She could feel Nikolai’s every movement behind her, and it was driving her crazy. She felt her hair move with his thigh as he shifted his position repeatedly. She had avoided him as much as she possibly could. She was trying and failing, to appease Kaz. Avoiding Nikolai had seemed to help keep her mind off him a bit during the day but at night her mind kept bringing up that Saints forsaken night.

The previous night she’d dreamt of him, again. However, it hadn’t only been the memories of their kiss. In her dream, they had been back in her room at the Hendriks’ mansion and, this time, the kiss hadn’t been part of an act. It hadn’t been Ainsley and Eoin Ó Ceallaigh. It had been Y/N Y/L/N and Nikolai Lantsov. That was ridiculous. Nikolai couldn’t possibly think of her that way. He obviously didn’t want her. Why would he? He was King of Ravka. He could have anyone he wanted. She was a Grisha indenture working for a barrel boss. She was no one.

That knowledge didn’t help her right now. Nikolai kept shifting his weight behind her. He was distracting her from the meeting, from her job. She couldn’t keep thinking of him. She needed to pay attention to Kaz. She needed to prove to him she could do the job. She needed to show Kaz she deserved her place with the crows. She had to stop thinking about Nikolai.

Kaz kept explaining the information they had already collected and what else needed to be done before the heist. She willed her mind back to the matter at hand. She managed to ignore Nikolai for the rest of the meeting. Keeping a strong hand on her mind’s reins. Kaz ended the meeting sending everyone on their way. There was still a lot to do before they would be ready to break into the military base.

-----

Kaz knew Y/N was lurking behind him. She had waited for everyone to file out before approaching him. He waited for her to speak, knowing she had something on her mind.

“You are going to send me back, aren’t you?” He heard the tremble in her voice. She sounded resigned.

He was surprised by her question. He had been expecting her to lose it on him for being in such a sour mood. He had been expecting a lecture not… whatever this was. “Send you back? Send you back where, Y/N?”

“The house of the Blue Iris, Kaz. I know you think I screwed up on the job. I know how much you hate people screwing up.” That surprised him. Of course, he’d rather have every job go perfectly according to the plan but that was improbable in their line of work. Why would he blame her for something out of her control?

A bitter laugh left his throat. “Is that really what you think of me?” Wasn’t he helping Inej go after slavers? Why would he send anyone to a pleasure house? Let alone a member of his family?

“I would never send you back there! You’re not people, Y/N. You are important to the crew… You’re important to me.” He knew he should leave it at that. “You’re a valuable investment.”

“But… You’ve been so… angry with me?” He could tell she was unsure, scared to make his anger flare up again.

“I’m not mad that a guard came back earlier than you thought, and that you had to improvise. It was the right move.”

“Then why are you mad, Kaz? What did I do?” He could hear the plea in her voice.

“You did nothing wrong.” That was true. He wasn’t mad at her. He was scared to lose her. Not that he’d ever tell her that. “I’m not angry with you, Y/N. My problem is with the king.” She looked at him, her eyes full of questions. He didn’t want to get into it right now. “You should help Wylan with the plan,” he said, dismissing her.

Kaz listened to her footsteps as she left. He still couldn’t believe she doubted him. He hoped he had succeeded in convincing her he never wanted to see her go. If he wasn’t more careful, he was going to push her right into Nikolai’s awaiting arms.

-----

tagged: @power-of-words23

[isuckatreadinglol]

Six of Crows Review

Alright, first book review on this blog...here we go: *spoiler warning, duh*

Book: Six of Crows Author: Leigh Bardugo

My Rating: 5/5

First off, this is the first YA fantasy I've ever read so I have no idea what I was expecting...and I fuckin loved it.

Second, I binge read this book in three days and it usually takes me a month to read anything ever so that's definitely saying something. I came for Kaz Brekker after watching Shadow & Bone on Netflix and stayed for the amazing plot, diverse and intricate characters, the incredible action and twists, and of course Kaz Brekker. The one thing that I loved was how fast paced this book went, and I genuinely could not stray far from the book because of how addicting it was. There was something in every chapter and you never got bored. The last part had taken the most time for me to complete because of how much action Leigh crammed in the last 60 pages, which made it a bit hard to follow along but it was still epic.

The Characters:

Kaz, Inej, Jesper, Wylan, Nina, Matthias

"“What’s the easiest way to steal a man’s wallet?” “Knife to the throat?” asked Inej. “Gun to the back?” said Jesper. “Poison in his cup?” suggested Nina. “You’re all horrible,” said Matthias."

The most diverse set of characters I have ever met. There were 6 characters, and the POV's were constantly changing and at some point, while I read someone else's chapter I was worried about the other characters and anticipating the next chapters. This was honestly an amazing decision to tell this story and I never got sick of the characters (except maybe Matthias, sorry).

Not only does Leigh do an excellent job portraying trauma in her characters (especially Kaz), she also keeps the character's as diverse as possible, from Nina being a plus sized character with badass confidence to Wylan overcoming his dyslexia and even Inej being a brown character. Every character had their own stories and the flashbacks/backstories were always a pleasure to read through.

Kaz Brekker is a stone cold, morally grey, manipulative, and terrible criminal which of course...makes him an even better protagonist. He definitely rocks the Hot Boy Who Is Mean To Everyone Except That One Chick Because Of His Tragic Backstory trope.

"There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong, and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken."

He is an anti-hero with his own plans and goals, while also caring so much about his crew that he would do anything for them. I'm very excited to see his character develop with Inej in Crooked Kingdom as well as his relationship with her because I am too obsessed with the two of them. I also enjoyed how Leigh allowed Kaz to fuck up and make mistakes, showing that he wasn't just some perfect character that knew everything about everything, and reading his inner dialogue when he realized his fuck-ups felt refreshing. His backstory was very well written and very tragic (we get it he's emo). It felt so personal knowing why he was they way he was when he sealed himself off from the world. He's also drippy as fuck.

Inej Ghafa just radiates bad bitch energy and when Kaz called her "dangerous" I screamed "DAMN RIGHT". Her mental drive was beautifully written during her chapters, especially while she climbed the incinerator.

"The heat of the incinerator wrapped around Inej like a living thing, a desert dragon in his den, hiding from the ice, waiting for her. She knew her body's limits and knew she had no more to give. She'd made a bad wager. It was as simple as that. The autumn leaf might cling to its branch, but it was already dead. The only question was when it would fall...

Should she jump now or simply wait for her body to give?

Inej felt wetness on her cheeks. Was she crying? Now? After everything she'd done and had done to her?"

Most importantly, she was a raw character who pushed herself throughout the book not just for herself but for the rest of the crew. She was selfless but she was also incredibly strong, driven by her future. Inej is the most inspiring character in the book and I have fallen in love with her more times than I could count. (lowkey carried the team imma be honest)

JESPER FAHEY Y'ALL. My queer sharpshooter king. I think I related to him the most and I loved every chapter with him. Though, I felt like Jesper was treated more as a side character than a main one, especially since he was stuck with Wylan for the entirety of the heist but BOY WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS A FABRIKATOR...I might have also screamed. He was definitely the comedic relief and he always kept me laughing at his little comments. Excited to see him and Wylan get together and also hoping for more of Jesper's character.

"Well, we’ve managed to get ourselves locked into the most secure prison in the world. We’re either geniuses or the dumbest sons of bitches to ever breathe air."

“If any of you survive, make sure I have an open casket. The world deserves a few more moments with this face.”

Nina Zenik...bro. She is so powerful. The moment she took parem was *chefs kiss* and it was the most badass scene I had ever experienced. When I began reading her chapters I didn't really enjoy them but when the heist actually began her inner dialogue won me over completely. When she was with Jarl Brum I could not stop laughing at the things she was saying in her head, and even when things were intense she always had something to say which made her character come to life. Her personality is hilarious, and sarcastic and she's also so HOT like my gay ass was swooning. She is who I aspire to be, that is all.

Matthias Helvar. Personally, I didn't really like his character so much because of how stubborn and he was (and how many times I wanted to punch his stupid ass), however he was still a pretty cool character with some good moments in there. He demonstrated religious corruption well, and he definitely faced a lot of inner conflict due to the pressure of what he was taught when he was younger. His POVs were a little boring but I loved it when he called Kaz a demjin.

Wylan Van Eck was a super fun character to have around. I definitely enjoyed watching his character grow as he spent more time with the Dregs. I didn't love him as much as the big three (Kaz, Jesper, Inej) and don't have much to say on him except that I admired his strength throughout the last part, especially when confronting his father after hearing all the horrible things he said about his own son. Jesper defending him made me melt big time.

"He's smarter than most of us put together, and he deserves a better father than you."

I literally could not have asked for such a creative group of characters and to see them work together makes me feel like I'm part of a big, criminal family.

The Ships

The ships were a fun addition to the story and the best part was that they never overstepped the actual objective of the plot but rather worked with it to enhance the connections between each character.

Kaz and Inej: Let me just cry for a second.

"She'd laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and gotten drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him."

"I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all."

"I'm going to get my money, Kaz vowed. And I'm going to get my girl."

This one hurt me. I am in love with these two and their relationship with each other makes it so much better. They are not meant to be together yet they are connected in so many ways. I did not think I would fall in love so easy, but here I am.

Matthias and Nina: I was not convinced by these two, especially with how weird their relationship was. They constantly seemed like they hated each other (valid) and some of their romantic scenes felt forced. In the end, I enjoyed seeing Nina grow on Matthias to wake his stubborn ass up. I swear that man refused to have feelings. Anyway, I still have mixed feelings on these two.

Wylan and Jesper: They are so cute. Like insanely cute. Like even I was blushing during their cute scenes. Their relationship isn't as developed yet so I am excited to see them in Crooked Kingdom.

Final Thoughts:

Representation? Check

Map? Check

Two maps?!? Fuck yeah

Amazing plot and worldbuilding? Check

Hilarious banter? Mhm

Great writing? Check

Well- written characters? 100%

Overall, this story will forever be my comfort book and I was impressed by the YA fantasy side of literature. It's hard to believe yet comforting that these characters are my age, makes me feel powerful. I loved every bit of this book and now I kinda wanna grab some friends and pull a heist.

[benmparks]

Six of Crows (series) Review

patreon | kofi

Last night I picked up Six of Crows again, pretending I was just going to peruse it for the purpose of this review but who am I kidding? I am fully obsessed with these books, I just wanted to read it again. With that being said, welcome to my review of the Six of Crows duology, Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo.

Review

The duology follows six members of this gang, the Dregs, that Kaz Brekker basically runs as they try to outwit some big players. Somehow Leigh Bardugo manages to jump from six POVs and not only make it work, but also use it to her advantage. The plot is crazy heist after heist, a lot of violence and darkness and yet every character and scene feels so endearing. The character work is crazy in these books, and at the end of the day the focus isn’t the crazy stunts they pull but the dynamic and connections between these six very different characters and how in the end they do care about each other despite the odds.

In the big picture of things, both of the books get a 4/5 Goodreads stars from me. I could not put either of the books down, and to be honest it felt like one long book if only because I read them back to back. Six of Crows is the “introduction” to the characters, but the book jumps right into it. The writing is very dense with character and world building, in a way that I found entrancing instead of boring somehow. I think I can credit that to the richness of the characters, and my immediate love for each and everyone of them. Admittedly, if I didn’t already know them from the show, I don’t know if I would have made it past the first page which is why it only gets 4 out of 5 stars. It was a thick book, and sometimes my eyes did just glaze over the words to try to get it moving.

The ending of Six of Crows was almost cruel, and I had to wait a day before I could get Crooked Kingdom. Reading Crooked Kingdom was like running a marathon and I have to admit, I’m not sure it was because it was very interesting or I just really wanted to get to the good parts. The plot in Crooked Kingdom gets a little repetitive, and I just really wanted Kaz to get some rest near the end, but the writing and some scenes really saved the whole book. I have reread some scenes multiple times already, Ms. Bardugo does have a solid grasp on writing emotion and dynamics in a way that feels so authentic like I am watching it play in front of me.

Some Thoughts

To be fully transparent, I read these books so quickly and in a haze of hyper fixation, so my review is probably biased but the books really did deliver on the character building that I wanted after what I had seen of the crows in the show. The writing was truly captivating, and the plot had me stoked to see how they managed to pull it off. By the end of Crooked Kingdom, I had managed to figure out the pattern though, which made the final resolution a little lackluster to me.

I really liked how casually diverse the cast was, with people of color with their own fantasy cultures, diverse romances, and even some disability representation. Kaz, my favorite character, has a limp and PTSD induced touch aversion like........ That spoke to me on a personal level. (I don’t have PTSD, but I also can be averse to touch at times.) The way that all of this works together, the diverse character with their diverse traits and flaws, was a masterpiece.

I keep going on and on about the characters, but I am truly amazed at how well they were built throughout the series both personally and their interpersonal connections. You get the sense that they are a dysfunctional family that deeply cares for each other. I said it already, but it is really endearing despite all the violence and thievery. So much so, that the rest of my review will be about that.

Let’s talk about the relationships

Kaz and Everyone Else

Everytime I write this review it devolves into me going on and on about how much I love Kaz and here we are again... but really. He carries the story, okay?

As I said, Kaz is the cold and calculating “leader” of the Dregs. He is known in the Barrel (where they live) as a ruthless killer who cares about furthering his gang than anything else, which is sort of true but not the whole story. By the end of Crooked Kingdom, I think what Kaz cares about the most is getting everyone else out safely. He had dragged them all into the mess they were in, where chances of getting out alive were slim, and he felt personally responsible for making sure it worked for everyone else. This was the part where I was reading just so maybe he would go to sleep, because I was so worried about him.

There were other moments throughout the books that showed his “soft side” for his gang, but in ways that they wouldn’t read as friendliness. He acts very careful to continue his persona around everyone except...... Inej. Which we’ll get to in a moment.

Kaz and Jesper

Jesper is sort of Kaz’s right hand man, he is introduced to us in that context anyway. It is not made clear, as I remember, their relationship much further than this but Jesper clearly looks up to him. Impressing Kaz, or proving his loyalty to him, seems to be a main driver in Jesper’s actions. He clearly wants a more personal relationship with him, and is constantly disappointed.

I liked how they portrayed these two, switching POVs to show that they are very clearly close personally but neither of them really knows. Near the end, in a dramatic and emotionally charged scene, Kaz accidentally calls Jesper his dead brother’s name and I think that says it all. That was one of my favorite scenes because after two books of this sort of tense relationship between them, it kind of ties it all up in a bow. Kaz does care about Jesper, maybe too much in his opinion.

Jesper and Wylan

Wylan is the estranged son of the merchant that they were up against, so the crew originally sees him as a bit of an outsider. He had a rich upbringing, so they think of him as soft and he’s only originally used as something to hold against the merchant. I loved him, he was the voice of reason in the group. A look into what a normal person might see when interacting with this band of thieves.

Jesper is a flirtatious character, he flirts with everyone, but you can see the slow way his flirting with Wylan changes into something a little deeper. Their relationship was masterfully done, it was like I stumbled into it. It was like, halfway through Crooked Kingdom, I suddenly cared a lot about them which made the twists and turns of their relationship so much more fulfilling.

One side note, I personally didn’t care for their final resolution. I’m not big on sappy endings, so there’s that.

Nina and Inej

I love a female friendship, okay? Nina’s entire story seemed to focus on Matthius and her being a grisha (someone who can use magic), so her interactions with Inej were refreshing. Nina was like the heart of this troupe, trying to keep the focus on a righteous goal instead of the money that Kaz seemed to only care about. (Seemed being the operative word). Inej was a perfect counterpart to that, as her religious and cultural background kept her on the softer side of things despite integration to the Dregs.

I think it was those parts of their story that made them care so much about each other, they were two girls trying to keep a part of themselves in this crazy world of the Barrel. In the midst of all the darkness and scheming, their softer bond was a welcome addition.

Nina and Matthius

I said this in my Shadow and Bone review, I just don't care for these two. Nina, as I mentioned, is a grisha and Matthius was a grisha hunter who did try to kill her. Maybe a little too enemies to lovers for me, and too fast. While I think their dynamic was better portrayed in the books, I still didn't really like Matthius as a character and I didn't feel a strong enough reason for Nina to care so much for him. I think their story is a little too insta-love for me. (I also had a major spoiler about the two of them which I don't think helped, let's just say I knew not to get too attached.)

Kaz and Inej

Alright. I’m writing this.

Kaz wears gloves all the time, except with Inej.

I mean, that’s the dynamic. He is that cold blooded guy from the Barrel, except with Inej. He doesn’t want to admit that he feels anything besides professional feelings for her, but god does he pretty much from the start. When he’s losing his mind, it’s Inej that brings him back. When Inej is attacked, oh my god the writing for that part. He lost it, and it was dark and scary because he was scared he was going to lose her.

Yet, still, he won’t admit it.

Inej wants to believe he is that cold blooded guy from the Barrel, she wants to believe there is something else in him but whenever she tries to find it, he pushes her away. Still, she stays and tries again until she gives up but Kaz doesn't give up on her. Kaz never gives up on her, everything he does is for her in the end. He wants her to get everything she dreams for, even if he thinks dreams and hopes are stupid distractions.

And, in the end, he does that for her. And they hold hands.

(Which is a big deal because, as I said, he’s touch averse but he wants to touch her...............................................)

Anyway.

That’s my review.

The characters carried the story which got long and repetitive at some points, but I really did devour these books in a matter of days and I’m still rereading parts just to relive them again. 4/5 stars.

Thanks for reading.

[sebastien-le-booker]

I just finished reading six of crows, for the second time and despite the fact that i knew what was gonna happen, it still was a rollercoaster and my heart was broken and i cried and uuuuuuuuuuuurrrgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgqhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so, i decided to make a post with my favorite quotes and parts. again, english is not my first language, the book is not in english, so some of the quotes will be translated by me and google translate.

Also, i decided to post this again bc it doesn’t show up in the tags anymore and it kinda took me a while to edit this because of how “amazing” tumblr works...

"We'll be kings and queens Inej. Kings and queens"

“I’m going to get my money, Kaz vowed. And I’m going to get my girl” 

Those 2 are probably my favorite and idk why but they are. the one with kings and queens just feels so full of hope and i loved how kaz said those words, i just absolutely love it.

and what got me at the second one, was the “I’m going to get my girl” Despite how difficult it is for him to admit his feelings for Inej, even to himself tbh, right now, nothing else matters but “his girl”. The money might matter, but i think that is more about the fact that he got screwed over and you don’t screw over Kaz, but it’s his girl that matters the most.

-

“Scheming face. Jesper whispered to Inej.  

She nodded. ‘Definitely”

From the same category “Kaz and his scheming face”

“Kaz looked south toward Ketterdam’s harbors. The beginnings of an idea scratched at the back of his skull, an itch, the barest inkling. It wasn’t a plan, but it might be the start of one. He could see the shape it would take—impossible, absurd, and requiring a serious chunk of cash.

‘Scheming face,’ murmured Jesper.

‘Definitely,’ agreed Wylan.”

  I love Jesper and Inej and now Wylan being familiar with Kaz scheming face, for me this is sort of like they paid enough attention to Kaz to know what some of his expressions mean and i love the part where it is described how an idea is starting to crawl inside Kaz head. I love it because it was mentioned a lot of the times how smart kaz is, and we see him talk about how he learnt all those tricks from the magicians and set up the plan for breaking into the ice court but now, it’s like we’re inside his brain and we slightly see how it works.

-

“Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”

“I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”

“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost. Matthias said primply, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain”

-

“’When we get our money, you can burn kruge to keep you warm.’

‘I'm going to pay someone to burn my kruge for me.’

‘Why don't you pay someone else to pay someone to burn your kruge for you? That's what the big players do.’

‘Want me to tell you what real players do?’ Jesper said. ‘The pay someone to pay someone else to…’”

I love these scenes because they’re just sweet, casual moments between them and I’m wondering how many conversations like these did they have and how does a conversation like this sounds for an outsider dhsjldfjs

“’I’ll get us out. You know that.’

Tell me you know that. He needed her to say it. (...) He needed to know that she believed he could do this (...) He needed to know she believed in him.”

-

“He turned his head. They were sitting close together, their shoulders nearly touching. (...) he thought, What happens if i move closer?

‘I don’t want your prayers’ he said

‘What do you want, then?’

(...) a different reply roared to life inside him, loud, insistent, unwelcomed. You, Inej. You“

-

“Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days”

-

“You okay? Inej asked and Kaz felt himself drawn toward her voice like water rolling down hill.”

-

“Kaz took her hand.

‘Inej, he said, his finger stroking her wrist. ‘If we don’t get out alive tonight, I want you to know that…’

Inej was waiting. She felt hope opening its wings inside of her, ready to fly if Kaz would push it with the right words (…). She lifted her hand and touched Kaz cheek. (…) Inej cupped his cheek in her palm.

‘If we don’t get out of here alive, I’ll die with no regrets, Kaz. Can you say the same thing?’

She could see it took every last bit of his terrible will for him to remain still beneath her touch. And yet, he did not pull away. She knew it was the best he could offer”

-

"He had felt horror and compulsion, but in spite of the chaos that had taken over them, he had also felt a desire that had remained imprinted in his soul, the hope that it would touch him again."

-

“’You shouldn’t make friends with crows.’

‘Why not?’

He’d looked up from his desk to answer, but whatever he’d been about to say had vanished on his tongue.

The sun was out for once, and Inej had turned her face to it. Her eyes were shut, her oil-black lashes fanned over her cheeks. The harbor wind had lifted her dark hair, and for a moment Kaz was a boy again, sure that there was magic in this world.

‘Why not?’ she’d repeated, eyes still closed.

He said the first thing that popped into his head. ‘They don’t have any manners.’

‘Neither do you, Kaz.’ She’d laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and got drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.”

-

“Kaz seized her hand, keeping it on the railing. He didn’t look at her. ‘Stay,’ he said, his voice rough stone. ‘Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me.’

He took a breath. ‘I want you to stay. I want you to … I want you.’

‘You want me.’ She turned the words over. Gently, she squeezed his hand. ‘And how will you have me, Kaz?’

‘How will you have me?’ she repeated. ‘Fully clothed, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips can never touch?’

Speak, she begged silently. Give me a reason to stay. For all his selfishness and cruelty, Kaz was still the boy who had saved her. She wanted to believe he was worth saving, too.”

-

“But he could think only about Inej. Inej had to live. She must’ve escaped the Ice Court. And if she hadn’t, Kaz had to survive to save her”

  All of these are all the moments they could have confessed their feelings for each other and some of the moments Kaz thought that Inej is the reason for which the sun still rises and there’s still some good left in the world. Poor boy is trying really hard sometimes but considering the things he’s been through it’s understandable that he doesn’t know how to say how he feels and that he’s probably afraid. But I also understand Inej and why she said “and how will you have me kaz? Fully clothed with your gloves on?” she wants more than what kaz can offer her at the moment but at the same time she also doesn’t exactly blame him and understands that it’s what he can right now.

Honestly, Kaz is “an idiot sandwich”, unable of showing appreciation like a functional person, but I think, the fact that he lets Inej into her office to feed the crows, or takes off his gloves and shirt when she’s around, it shows how much trust there is between them and understanding. I know they’re not perfect, but I love them both as individual characters and how they are together.

-

I love the hints to shadow and bone trilogy like:

“I could read to you if i had anything to read. There’s a Heartrender at the Little Palace who can recite epic poetry for hours. Then you’d wish you had died.”

We all know this is about Tolya, who I love very much and I love how everyone seems to be annoyed by his poems and makes them wanna die just so they won’t have to hear them, but that doesn’t stop him.

Or, how Nina says that people in Ravka are starting to question the existence of the saints and that maybe they were just some powerful Grisha bc look at Sankta Alina… she was no saint and she had the same thought about the saints after finding out that Sankt Ilya was just a Grisha.

-

“Toffee?

Her eyes slid away guilty. ‘Kaz said to pack what we needed for the journey. ‘A girl has to eat”

My girl considers toffee as being essentials and I couldn’t agree more with her. I’ll forever be grateful for having a character like Nina.

-

“I can tell you’ve never picked a pocket.’

‘And i can tell you’ve never given enough thought to your haircut. Kaz frowned and ran a self-conscious hand along the side of his head ‘There’s nothing wrong with my haircut that can’t be fixed by four million kruge”

Idk what I think it’s funnier, Nina picking up on Kaz hair or him being embarrassed by it. She knew how her words would affect kaz and she went for it

-

“Inej heard a grunt and then a loud whump as Nina hit the bottom of the shaft like a sack of laundry. Inej winced”

“ Jesper like a limber insect, Wylan in stops and starts, wiggling like a caterpillar trying to make its way out of a cocoon.”

Yeah, ok Inej, sorry not all of us are as good as you at landings and jumping from buildings and all of that… I love that both of these are from Inej pov because this is her thing and she notices

-

“We'll see what's in store for us tonight, Matthias thought. It's true that tricks are not my language, but I might learn them in the end. "

Uhm… is this the moment this boy started to accept that the Dregs are not That bad and being anything other than a Fjerdan and living your life slightly differently isn’t a crime? *growth*

.-

“’And you're right. I have no right to judge you.’

‘Don't start doing this.’

‘What?’

‘Agree with me. It's a sure way to dying.’

‘I don't like the idea of killing people, either. I don't even like chemistry.’

‘What do you like?’

‘Music. Numbers. Equations. They're not like words. They ... they don't get mixed up.’

‘If only you could talk to girls in equations.’

There was a long silence, and then, eyes trained on the notch they'd created in the link, Wylan said, ‘Just girls?’

Jesper restrained a grin. ‘No. Not just girls.’ It really was a shame they were all probably going to die tonight.”

Two things, Jepser, honey, Wylan will start agreeing with you and it will not lead to anything bad but actually something beautiful called love and you will spend the rest of your lives together and will be happy and in love for the rest of time.

Second thing, I love the “what a shame we could die tonight cause you and I could have so much fun together, oh boy, you’ve got no idea, the things we could do”

-

“Had he just killed two of his kind? Jesper had only wanted to survive. He thought of tthe banner on the wall, all those strips of red, blue and purple. He felt dizzy and confused. He knew the others were counting on him. He had to move on. But he felt that he had left a part of him in the yard, something he had not even known was important to him, something impalpable like fog. "

This made me cry so hard because, yes, Jesper has problems, it’s obvious from the first moment he’s introduced, but I don’t think he’s entirely aware of his problems and if he is, he is avoiding them and I don’t think he actually tries to understand why he enjoys the things that he does. In this scene, tho he is actually affected by what’s happening, he is visibly shaken up. He is a lot of things and I think this is the moment that he actually understands what his power means, why the other Grisha are choosing to use their powers and fight against the people that want to hurt them for their powers and that simply choosing not to use his powers, deny that he’s a Grisha, maybe is not an option anymore.

[ana-annotated]

128 THINGS I LOVED ABOUT CROOKED KINGDOM (WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!!) Part 1

1. It has WYLAN’S POV

2. Jesper is one of his biggest reasons for committing to being a member of the Dregs and he knows it

3. Kaz breaks into the house of a wealthy and probably dangerous lawyer in the middle of the night but first things first, he’s gotta give the guard dogs belly rubs before robbing their owner.

4. Nina is still facing the consequences of ingesting parem and yet here she is undercover, charming this lawyer out of his whistle.

5. Wylan’s dark side just gets darker

6. Kaz having a rare soft moment and telling Wylan where his mother is buried cause he knows what it’s like to lose someone suddenly and not get to say goodbye

7. Matthias trying to understand Kaz’s sleight of hand and still failing to see how he does it

8. Matthias wishing Wylan or Kuwei would wear a hat so he could tell them apart

9. Wylan blushing at Jesper’s touch

10. Wylan Van Sunshine

11. Leave my grandmother out of this

12. Jesper’s dad is so innocent and precious and must be protected at all costs

13. Are you all students? Of a sort

14. Matthias has a little sister

15. Matthias comforting Alys cause she reminds him of his mother when she was pregnant

16. Nina whining over Matthias sacrificing her biscuits to keep Alys quiet

17. Matthias jealous of Jesper making Nina smile

18. Inej laughing in Van Eck’s face for thinking he outwitted Kaz

19. Nina expecting Matthias to rub her feet from now on whenever she wants him to

20. Matthias longing for a domestic life with Nina

21. Nina longing for the comfort of family relationships like the one Jesper has with his father

22. Jesper as a kid

23. Jesper’s mom was the sweetest most badass person ever and taught him everything he knows at such a young age

24. The WYLAN’S MOM CURVEBALL WHO THE HECK DOES THAT TO A PERSON MY POOR BABY HOW DARE JAN DO THAT TO HIM AND HER?!

25. Wylan’s motivation to get revenge

26. Kaz giving Wylan a pep talk about strength when facing a weakness

27. Matthias’s relationship with his wolf

28. Matthias pretending to be a happy go lucky Fjerdan

29. Nina having to explain every single dirty joke to him and convince him they’re not insults

30. Nina and Matthias’s first kiss being straight out of a Disney movie 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

31. Everyone points guns at each other in Ketterdam it’s basically a handshake

32. Matthias going into full military general mode and leads a two-man Grisha army in a victorious mini war against the Dime Lions

33. Kaz literally CRASHING Van Eck’s dinner party

34. Dunyasha: “I am Dunyasha, a white human blade, a ruthless assassin princess, and my sole purpose is destroying you. Prepare to feel my ninja stars.”

Inej: “New phone who dis?”

35. Colm Fahey adopting his teen gang member son’s five gang member friends

36. Nina finally getting her waffles

37. Only to realize Matthias Helvar is possible better than waffles (just barely, but still)

38. Matthias believing waffles is Nina’s one true love instead of him

39. What’s new? Nm, Nina can raise the dead to do her bidding, Inej plummeted 20 stories and nearly died at the ninja stars of some assassin chick with a huge ego, and there’s a huge gaping hole in Jan Van Eck’s dining room ceiling. Hbu? Who wants waffles?

40. They’re all crazy but Wylan realizes there’s nobody he’d rather have by his side cause the Dregs are HIS CREW

41. Kaz Ankle Breaker Brekker sliding past a pair of Van Eck’s guards and knocking them off their feet at once with his cane

42. The Crows trying to outdo each other with the highest rewards offered for their execution or capture.

43. Kaz winning that contest in a landslide

44. Nina flipping off their Wanted posters

45. Nina changing out of her Fjerdan costume with Matthias’s “help.”

46. Jesper and Kuwei’s haunting the Dime Lions

47. Little Inej stopping hearts and scaring her family to death on the high wire but wanting to keep going back on no matter what

48. Inej only falling when a net is underneath her

49. Wylan’s first impression of Jesper

50. Jesper’s flair for neon fashion

51. “Mother, father pay the rent! I can’t my dear the money’s spent!”

52. “On a dare I ate a literal trough full of waffles doused in apple syrup and almost went back for seconds.”

53. Kaz treating Jesper like a brother, even yelling at him and calling him Jordie because he’s so protective of Jesper and wants to keep him from making a mistake too big because of his gambling addiction. Seeing Jesper get carried away with his best worries him and he just wants him to be smart and not make the same costly mistakes Jordie did.

54. Kaz and Jesper arguing like brothers and then proceeding to fight like brothers while Inej, Nina, and Matthias sit around bored, waiting for them to snap out of it cause they’re definitely not going to kill each other with their bare hands, and there are bigger things to worry about.

55. Jesper’s dad breaking up the fight with a single threat

56. Jesper Llewelyn Fahey

57. I KISSED THE WRONG BOY

58. Inej and Jesper’s friendship

59. Matthias being very okay with PDA with Nina

60. Colm’s presence making the Dregs feel like kids worn out from a rowdy birthday party

61. Kuwei being a straight up savage and lying about his language barrier

62. KANEJ WOUND BANDAGING SCENE DESTROYED ME EVERYTHING ABOUT IT I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS NOR DID I EXPECT HIM TO EVEN GET HALF AS CLOSE TO HER AS HE DID

63. Kaz trying so so hard to push away all memories of his trauma to be in the moment and touch Inej and just show her how much she means to him

64. She followed him anyway

65. Kaz reclaiming his rightfully EARNED Dregs throne

66. Inej watching him kick out Haskell and kick traitor Dregs ass with pride

67. “I suggest a cane”

68. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Same thing that’s always wrong with him, he’s Kaz Brekker.”

66. Nina constantly trying to get Kaz to warm up a little, whether by joining a group hug or letting someone help bandage him up post-fight for his life

67. Colm willing to do anything to help the gang without question

68. Wylan’s cute anger at Jesper for mistaking Kuwei for him (let’s be real tho he was pretty mad at himself too for not being more upfront with his feelings since he had no Tailor to fix him)

69. Wylan getting mad at Nina for failing to mention she found a refugee Tailor that could change him back

70. Colm feeding into Nina’s waffle/food in general addiction

71. The politics in the story are so intricate and it just continues to be built upon in Crooked Kingdom. It’s detailed enough that honestly, Leigh could probably write a whole Grishaverse history textbook. It’s pretty interesting to read from everything we get from the Dregs discussing their home nations, their histories, traditions, and relations with other countries. Leigh put in so much effort to build not just an authentic country in Kerch, but an entire alternate world. Really fun to read about.

72. Wylan’s offense for Jesper not being able to tell him and Kuwei apart in that moment

73. Jesper stealing a portrait Wylan’s mother painted of him to help them reconnect once Wylan’s features are returned

74. “I told you, I like your stupid face.”

75. Jesper helping Genya tailor Wylan’s “stupid” face because he remembers it quite well

76. Jesper nearly losing it when he returns to find the boy he had fallen for at first sight has returned to his original appearance

77. JESPER KISSING THE RIGHT BOY

78. “I really hope we don’t die”

79. Colm giving an award worthy performance in front of Van Eck to rope him and the Council into falling for Kuwei’s fake indenture auction

80. Nina’s underlining threat to Van Eck for messing with Kaz, only a fool would try to scheme against Brekker

81. Colm telling Wylan that he’d be good for Jesper ☺️

82. Wylan taking an actual beating from other Dregs to make Jan Van Eck believe the Dime Lions were going to kill his son for him

83. Wylan’s on point acting making everybody in the chapel believe his father was a conniving scumbag all along

84. THE FACT THAT JESPER CAN ACTUALLY USE HIS POWERS TO AIM HIS BULLETS

85. Kaz lying like nobody’s business to the Merchant Council and everyone bidding on Kuwei to throw Van Eck under the bus

86. Kaz freaking BLOWING UP THE MENAGERIE IF THAT’S NOT A DECLARATION OF HIS LOVE TO INEJ IDK WHAT IS

87. Kaz and Inej hand holding

88. Nina pretending to be pregnant

89. Matthias believing Kaz could fake a birth

90. Genya teaming up with Kaz and Nina to fake Kuwei’s death

91. I haven’t even read the Shadow and Bone trilogy yet but I love King Nikolai and his alter ego and I can’t wait to read more of him in the series and in King of Scars!!!!!

[ellanainthetardis]

Summer Books Reviews

I’ve said I’d do a book review for the Grisha verse and then I remembered I also said I’d try to do more book reviews because of reasons (like the fact I had a book blog once upon a time, you know) so I thought I’d do a pot pourri of my summer readings.

I’m actually happy because I read a lot this summer. I think I managed a book a week give or take, without taking into account the  various comics (I’ve read all the Buffy comics I could find, sue me, I am in a PHASE). So without further ado, here are my summer reads with a short review that may or may not be spoilerish.

The Night Circus – Erin Morgensten: I think I talked about this one already actually. I gave it a 5/5 on goodreads even though it took me a while to really get into it. It’s very very slow paced and although I liked the characters, I think it’s one of those books you either love or hate. The atmosphere is everything, it’s really awesome because the circus itself is like a character of sort. I loved the two main characters – I loved all the characters actually and I loved how the ending tied back to the beginning as well as the whole meta-reflection about storytelling and stories in general. I think it’s definitely not for everyone but it’s really worth a go.

The Stolen Throne (Dragon Age #1) – David Gaider: I gave it 4/5 on Goodreads. Well it’s no secret by now that I love fantasy and video games and that Dragon Age might be my most favorite franchise. Hell, how many times did I play the whole series by now? I think I’m at three Wardens, Two Hawkes, and at least 4 or 5 inquisitors. This first novel takes place decades before Origins and it was nice to have some more context than just the codex you find on the games. I think the story works very well without further knowledge of the games and everything and it was a nice little fantasy story. I adore Loghain, you have to understand and what I loved about the love triangle (and you won’t hear me say I love a love triangle often so enjoy) is that… They all could be together. I mean, I’m not really into OT3 but for the three of them I’d do an exception.

The Mercy Thompson Series – Patricia Briggs: I re-read the whole series which took me I think more or less the whole July month since there are ten books. I can tell you I give this serie a definite 5/5. It had been so long since I read it and I hadn’t finished it so I thought why not? If you love urban fantasy (modern world with vampires, werewolves, witches and the likes) this series is for you. I just love Mercy. I love the way the author handles sexual trauma as well as trauma in general. I mean, often it’s trashy and written for shock value ( I’m looking at you Career of Evil) and here it’s just… very well handled. It doesn’t fade in the background after a book, it’s something Mercy has to deal with recurrently, it’s just a master lesson in how to write trauma. BUT those books are also full of fun, love and family. I love all the characters in there and I plan on reading the spin off series very soon.

Opal (The Raven Cycle 4.5) – Maggie Stiefvater: Ok it’s a novella but it still counts. I gave it 2/5 and nobody is more disappointed than me by this rating given how much I loved the Raven Cycle (go read if you haven’t seriously). It just… Didn’t click for me. The point of view was very limited, it was hard to relate and it left too many stuff unexplored. But I guess it’s just a way to link TRC with the next series and I’m still very much hyped for what comes next whenever it comes.

Ready Player One – Ernest Cline: ah, that one. I slaved through it. I gave it a 1/5 but really I think it would be more of a 0.5/5. To me, it’s one of those rare rare times when you can say the movie was better than the book. What was even this book? I hated it. This book is an enabler. I say this being an introvert who has problems with social situation and who love video games, considers herself a geek and proud to be and had grown up in the 90s. This book is an enabler. It gives far too much excuses and never quite set out a clear morale. And it was boring. Really, I was surprised by the movie. I liked it a lot more than I expected it too – probably because it was very little like the book.

Fairest Of Them All: A Tale of The Wicked Queen – Serena Valentino: Another one I was disappointed it. I had a strike unfortunately. I gave it 1/5. It was all very… shallow. I wished for more depth and characterization but it was all very confused and confusing. I have little more to say about this one because I honestly don’t even remember. It was that unremarkable. I know I’ve read better fanfictions.

The Infinite Sea/The Last Star (The 5th Wave #2 and #3) – Rick Yancey: I’ve read those two back to back because I knew after The Infinite Sea I would never read the last one if I waited. I gave 2/5 to The Infinite Sea and 3/5 to The Last Star. I was so pumped by the 5th Wave. I remember reading it what… Two years ago? And I loved it. It was fresh and interesting, lots of plot twists… First thing I didn’t like about both books were the shifting povs. Some pov are first person (like Cassie’s, the main character) and some are third person. And that’s just plain weird. I know I have a problem with pov, I usually don’t like first person pov much but re-reading Mercy Thompson helped me get back on that horse. But if you constantly shift from I to he/she, it gets annoying really fast. The second book is mostly full of length and doesn’t have much happening except for Ringer (but I will come back to Ringer) and the third one was… confusing. Ok maybe I’m very dumb but I didn’t get it. Were they really aliens, was it all a plot, who were the real villains… I didn’t get it. The only positive point of both books was: RINGER. She’s the best character ever and she’s the only reason I slaved through those two books. She’s an ass kicking bad ass with a tactical mind to rival all and although the love story with Ben and the spoilerish thing I won’t talk about but let me say REALLY could have been maybe introduced a little better and would have deserved some more depth, I really really loved her arc. I saw a people say the ending was cliché and I might have thought so too but I think if the writing had been consistent and a little better, it might have been emotional despite the cliché.

The Secret Wife – Gill Paul: I gave it 1/5 I’m not even going to talk about it because I skimmed through the last of the book because it was SO bad I couldn’t keep reading. The premise looked soooo good, I usually love the dual present/past story and the Romanov aspect made me very interested but it was badly written and boring and simply meh.

Shadow & Bones / Siege & Storm / Ruin & Rising (The Grisha #1, #2, #3) – Leigh Bardugo: We’re here at last. OMG. Did I love this trilogy (with it’s many linking novellas?) YOU BET. I gave them all 5/5. Let me tell you something, this is MY JAM. I loved Alina Starkov. I LOVED her. She’s so relatable. All the cast of characters is amazing. The writing is just as amazing and I think it’s safe to say I will read anything by this author because I trust her completely. If you love fantasy, young adult and a good villain, this is the story for you. I didn’t like the main ship I won’t lie. I would have loved a good redemption final twist and the love interest was a little too bland compared to the villain and the King but… It didn’t spoil my enjoyment at all. I’m so HYPED on this verse right now.

The Obsession – Nora Roberts: I’m a big fan of Nora, I’ve read a lot of her books and I was a bit disappointed in this one. I gave it a 2/5. The story is okay and it’s nice to read. I mean, it reads easily, it doesn’t as for a lot of reflection. It’s a good story all in all and I would have put it a 3 or a 4 if not for something that has been jumping at me for the last couple of her books I read. I’m not one to jump up and down and scream misogyny at every turn but there’s a certain idea of a woman in her books that is starting to make me a bit… meh. Let me be clear. The male lead is cliché as can be, full of testosterone, riding a bike, a mechanic, a dog lover with a sensitive side because of course he loves books and while the female promised to be extremely strong and independent career woman, it’s not long before we fall into the a happy woman = a husband, a dog and a kid cliché. And that bothered me.

Six Of Crows (Six of Crows #1) – Leigh Bardugo: Ok there was such a hype around this one I was a little disappointed when I read it. I’m not much into incredible heist stories and to be fair, I read it right after I saw Ocean’s 8 (which was awesome) and it suffered from the (unfair and unconscious) comparison. I gave it a 2/5 BUT this being said I just loved the characters. I was already one hundred percent on board the Kaz/Inej train (didn’t you hear me shout as I passed by?) and the Jesper/Wylan one. Matthias and Nina both left me a little indifferent I will admit and I had troubles with so many povs crammed in one book. It was  lot of information everywhere and from every angle. I’m still happy I read it, do you know why? I will tell you. First I love the Grisha universe and it takes place in the same world a few years after and then: CROOKED KINGDOM BABY.

The Lies They Tell – French Gillian : I gave this one a 3/5. It’s a little detective story that reads very easily. It’s nothing exceptional but it will give you a good time.

Kindred Spirits – Rainbow Rowell: I have a problem with short stories/novellas. Always had. it always leaves me wanting more and that was my problem with my book. The moment I got into it, it ended so I gave it a 2/5 but it was really cool nonetheless. Would have liked to read more.

Crooked Kingdom (Six Of Crows #2) – Leigh Bardugo: OMG OMG OMG OMG. Ok, needless to say I gave this one a 5/5. I finished it yesterday so I’m still very much having FEELS. Maybe I wasn’t that much in Six of Crows but this book makes the read worth it, I promise. THIS IS JUST AMAZING. THE FEELS. FEELS EVERYWHERE. Kaz and Inej and their perfect love. Matthias… Nina and her addiction… Jesper and Wylan being cutiepies. I cried at the end. Do you know how often I cry reading books? very much not often. What I mean is: READ IT. READ THE WHOLE GRISHA VERSE. DO IT. DO IT. YOU NEED TO MEET DIRTHANDS AND HIS WRAITH. YOU NEED TO. THIS BOOKS IS PERFECT. IT WILL GIVE YOU FEELS. IT WILL GIVE YOU LIFE.

[poppymadness]

💖 HQ, Knb, All Out, Free, BNHAand DnA I think you watched at least a little bit of it, didn't u? And since I know who some of your favorites are already u can just rant about why u love them

@naturalpeaches said:💖 can i be an ass and say twdg even tho ik the answers p much OH the last kingdom. bring it to ur blog amber. talk about it. accept it.

💖 listen those 2 weren’t enough. give me the raven cycle. give me the foxhole court. give me six of crows. giVE ME CRIMINAL MINDS HAAAAA BITCH. why not throw the 100 in there too. also talk abt ur boo in the sun is also a star. give him some lovin

💖 N A R U T O

hope it’s cool just to throw ya both in here bc i’m lazy

haikyuu: (3) kuroo tetsurou - iiiiiiiiiiii fucking love kuroo sO much, a huge tall not so dumb dumbass god. i don’t know what to say dfkhka i fuckin Love him thanks dude. i nEVER FORGET THE FUCKIN LAUGH GOD FUCK FOR FUCKS SAKE skjfd. whenever i get in Kuroo Moods they last SO long i can’t get a break. and gamer au kuroo is killer it’s too good. listen he’S A BIG FOOL and i LOVE him want the best for him bc he’s great, good, good dude. i also rlly fuckin love terushima man ooooo my god, imagine him and kuroo bein buds hORRIBLE

kuroko no basket: (1) kiyoshi teppei - mY BOY KIYOSHI AAAAA. hE’S EVEN T A L L E R mmmm 6′4″ the fuck mann. we know my love for this dumbass i love him so so muuch fuck. thought it was kuroko at first, bitch no. I LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW I LOVED HIM TILL AFTER I FINISHED THE WHOLE SHOW. like, just, the more i saw stuff involving him the more i was like ooo no no waiT i LoVE HiM i screamed when he showed up in the second opening when we rewatched it oooommggggg. he’S SO GOOD I HOPE HIS KNEE IS HEALED I HOPE HE GETS TO PLAY BASKETBALL AS A LIL SIDE HOBBY OR SOMETHIN HOPE HE’S FUCKIN HAPPY!!!!! whY DOES HE SELF-SACRIFICE SO MUCH BOY OOO MY GOD WHEN HE REALIZED THE TEAM GOT HIS BACK TOO BITCH HE SO CUTE. mmmmm  i love hiiiiim bois. also love akashi i keep finding it funny ur intimated by him cj

all out: (4) ebumi masaru - i can’t. i can’t explain why i love him oR WHY HE’S SO HIGH A FAVE GOD. this whole fandom is like Those Thighs and make ebumi all about fuckin sex like what a Tough Boy like yA HE BUYS (rents? whatever) PORN THAT’S FUCKIN SO FUNNY TO ME BUT MMMM he. more. i nevER STOP THINKIN BOUT THE EP WITH ISE THAT EMO SHIT DO U SEE HOW MUCH EBUMI CARES BOUT HIS FRIEND GOD Fuck. like yeah, just take the money. this is what was left for me but idc here take it u need it i stg season 2 better be in the works i want more of his backSTORY. oh hE FUCKIN BLEACHES HIS HAIR WHAT A PUUUUNK, HE TRAINS SO HARD HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT RUGBY GETS P I S S E D WHEN PPL HALF-ASS IT LIKE?? FAIR ENOUGH. OH THETY ACTUALLY DREW HIS HAIR DOWN RIGHT ADJHF A OoO FUCK TAHT. i’m good it’s cool alright bye gion, raita & ise are my best friends thank

free: rin matsuoka - i. thought it was nagisa at first. i wanna cry fuckin nagisa jesus. good boy but hell no. rin?? is so sweet i’m sorry fuckin flew haru to australia & shit he’s so good i love him. i gotta do this i’m srry FUCK whoever thinks rin would be abusive with haru thx. i havE A RIN POSTER G O D

boku no hero academia: todoroki shouto - i literally didn’t have a fave in this show until one (1) specific episode in season 2 with him. thought i was gonna live forever not having a fave in this show. i had actually been growing to like him and was like No, i told myself to not like him bc he’s so popular hdkfa. and then that ep came and i was like,,,oof i Love him, love love love what a goOD BOY. he’s…so cute..comin to terms with his powers still can’t get over he interned with his dad he just…..wants to improve…is improving…..so good.

daiya no ace: ? - ok, i never developed a fave while watching it, at least not where i got to. i don’t even remember where i stopped oof that’s bad. but i had thought at that time that i rlly loved chris?? eijun is precious, i fuckin love him. miyuki is great i love him too. also really loved kuramochi?? so if i had continued i think it would’ve been one of em.

the walking dead game: kenny, luke, clem, gabe - pls don’t make me choose… kenny…tried his hardest to be good, worked his ass off till the last moment to improve himself and didn’t get the redemption he deserved. that man is good, he was just pushed to his max and couldn’t get back down. luke, luke is a sunshine boy who was too good for the world, a positive outlet could make anyone happy, did his best, didn’t deserve to die. cleM MY BADASS B A B Y HAS GROWN SO MUCH I LOOOOVE HER AND CAN’T WAIT FOR HER HAPPY ENDING TELLTALE YOU FUCKS I AM BEGGING YOU1!! gabe…annoyed me at first…stole my heart….just a boy thrown into the apocalypse tryin to be happy…he’s doing his best, he’s learning, truly not such a brat as assholes make him out to be. nick my boy i’m so sorry i would’ve included you ur so close

the last kingdom: uhtred & alfred - i love uhtred the godless and king alfred of wessex very much indeed. uhtred is just a wreck honestly, this danish bro got a lot goin on he just wants the land he deserves i just say he’s bein greedy, go be happy under alfred’s rule i still love u tho uhtred u dumbass. alfred! got the peace he wanted! i love alfred so much he wants to be a king without war unless he’s not given the choice, cares about his family so much, afraid he’ll be punished for the crown that’s not rightfully his own. alfred is so good, i love this man.

the raven cycle: (5) adam parrish - mmmmmmm what a good boy. an important boy, a very much loved boy. iiiii hate havin his pov sometimes, some relatable things in there, i love him so much. he’s not. his father. thanks. gotta say that a lot wanT HIM TO KNOOOOOOOW. he’s so good he’s improving himself he’s doin it!! go adam!! goD ASHLETY I KEEP THINKING OF THINGS YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN TOOOOOOOO. mmmm it’s ok to still be stuck and to have bad days he doesn’t have to get over it right away!! it’s not somethin that’ll just be over!! dhfad smALL STEPS my boy i love u…. all bc, he…legally free (tryin not to spoil dfhjdaf).. don’t mean he has to be over it…take ur time adam. i’m thinkin of the emo thing in trk fuck wrong devil dkhfad. i just wanna cry he’s so good worth so much ronan & i will fight any and all fucks who wanna Go. i!! love him!! he deserVES TO FEEL LOVED AND TO FEEL HOW TO LOVE MMMM COOL i’m gonna stop i’ll just repeat myself - i just thOUGHT OF THE ‘FUCK YOU GANSEY’ WOW FIRST BOOK FUCK B YE

the foxhole court: …andrew minyard… - idk man?? it’s so lowkey?? it’s chill i literally don’t even have anything to say. nicky, neil & dan are my squad love em.

six of crows: jesper fahey - idk what fuckin bitch ass mood i had to be in when i read soc but if i wasn’t in it jesper would totally have been my fave. i wouldn’t take him away from wylan anyways (statement kiiinda counts for the two aforementioned also whoop). jesper?? deserves the world, but so does everyone else they all deserve the world even u bitch ass brekker who would not deal with my bullshit ever. 

criminal minds: aaron hotchner - god ashley screw off askin me for cm. love hotch, would die for him, too good of a guy.

the 100: bellamy blake - is a fuckin whore. iiiiiii love bellamy so much. bitch ass goes from a punk i hated to a good dude to a punk ass influenced by some huge ass prick dick and then struggles with himself for the next season and will now hopefully feel a bit better at least for gods sake. all bc you’ve done bad things doesn’t mean ur bad bell… i still never get over fucking pike taking advantage of him when he was vulnerable fuck off i just want him to feel better!! take responsibility but don’t let it push you down fucking get up!! you’ll get up!! mmm he’s so good he just wants to make everything right but clarke makes everyTHING FUCKIN GO WRONG. i just…not everything is excusable but he can make up for it he will and he’s worth it,,,, people gotta forgive him at some point he’s trying his hardest to make up for everything and he keeps beating himself on it mmmmdfahdf i love him

the sun is also a star: daniel jae ho bae - idk what to say about him ashley god fuck. he’s so cute though?? what a cheesy dude. ugh literally so cute i gotta reread it

naruto: kiba inuzuka - what a prideful ass i fuckIN LOVe him thx. i mean i was fuckin doomed from that start he has best boy akamaru & fuckin has a jutsu where he turns into a wolf?? and his fuckin mom and sister have wolves?? doomed before i even fuckin knew it. he’s soooo cute, never take his fuckin hoodie off idk what’s cuter him trying to look tough in that hoodie that everyone literally thought was hair or havin the hoodie off and showin his actual hair that somehow makes him cuter,,, what’S HORRIBLE IS THE LEATHER JACKET OR WHATEVER IT IS HE WEARS IN SHIPPUDEN fuckin idiot. imagine him as hokage i can’t believe he wants to be hokage it’s so funny i’m sorry kiba i’ll support u just give me a minute to catch my breath. guys he’s just so cute, trains so hard, he’s so good i love him enthusiastic boy

[emjenenla]

If You’re Gone, Maybe It’s Time to Come Home Part Three [a SoC Fanfiction]

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

Sorry for the outrageous amount of time this update took. College eats up all your time. Also, it turns out Kaz in this mental state is ridiculously hard to write in another character’s POV.

--

Part Three

(Inej)

(1)

The Van Eck mansion is full to the brim of members of the Dregs. The irony is thick because a year ago, such people would never have been allowed on the same street.

Inej threads her way through the drinking gang members. They’re laughing and sharing stories. They’ve all been told that the party is to celebrate the Dregs’ rise to prominence as the most powerful gang in Ketterdam; only the Crows and a few extremely trusted others know that the party is actually in honor of Inej’s successes hunting slavers.

Even though the building is full of people, it still feels empty to Inej. The only Crows there aside from her are Jesper and Wylan. Kaz hasn’t yet appeared, and Matthias’s death still weighs heavily on her, not to mention the fact that it has caused Nina to drop off the face of the world. Inej has no idea where her friend is and no one has heard from her in months.

Inej has tried everything to find Nina, even picking Kaz’s brain in their coded letters (if anyone knows where Nina is, it’s him). However, it’s been months since Kaz mentioned anything even semi-personal in his letters. They were always impersonal, but since her last visit to Ketterdam, he hasn’t bothered to do anything but send her lists of information. She’s starting to think he’s still sulking about the talking-to she gave him the last time they saw each other. That bothers her, because while Kaz is totally capable of holding a grudge for a couple months (after all, he managed to hold one on Pekka Rollins for years), he’s never stayed mad at her for this long before.

(2)

It’s at least ten bells when she finally admits that she’s worried. This isn’t like Kaz. She’d thought that he’d at least show his face, even if that was only because Jesper and Wylan or Anika and Keeg dragged him along.

She eventually seeks out Anika who is sitting at a table playing a good-natured card game with Pim, Keeg, Dirix and Roeder while Rotty and a couple other high-ranking Dregs look on. They all look up when Inej steps up.

“’Lo, Wraith,” Dirix says. “Welcome back. You staying for good this time?”

“Please don’t,” Roeder says with a good-natured smile to show he’s joking. “I like my job, and I don’t want you to steal it back.”

“No, I’m not staying,” Inej says. “Just stopping by for a visit. If you enjoy scrambling over every dirty, smelly crevasse of this city doing Kaz’s bidding, you’re more than welcome to it.” The instant the words come out of her mouth she feels guilty; she had never minded being Kaz’s spider, even when he was in a mood.

Still the Dregs laugh. They are all high enough in the ranks to have personally dealt with Kaz enough to know just how frustrating putting up with his opaque orders and unfathomable schemes could be.

When the laughter dies Inej moves on to the real reason she came over by them. “Where is Kaz by the way? I know he doesn’t like parties, but I haven’t seen him at all since I got back.”

The table goes silent. The Dregs look back and forth at each other like they’re trying to decide who should be the bearer of bad news. Inej’s stomach clenches with a familiar sense of apprehension, one that she’s been getting when she reads Kaz’s letters for months. It’s a subtle hint that something isn’t right, but she can’t for the life of her figure out what it is.

After a moment, Anika pushes back her chair and gives her cards to Rotty. “If you make me lose, I’ll end you,” she threatens, then stands up. “Come on, Ghafa,” she says in what Inej can only assume is her lieutenant’s voice. “Let’s have a chat.”

(3)

They step out into the hallway and Anika paces to the end to look out at the garden, arms crossed.

“Anika,” Inej ventures stepping up alongside her. “What’s wrong? Did something happen to Kaz?”

“I don’t know,” Anika says, slowly and precisely, like saying each word hurts.

“What do you mean?” Inej asks.

“He’s missing,” Anika says. “No one’s seen him in days.”

“What?” Inej can’t help it, she yells. “Why aren’t you looking for him?”

“We are!” Anika’s voice raises too. “But Ketterdam’s a big place and we don’t know where half his boltholes are. To be honest, he could still be holed up in his rooms in the Slat since no one actually saw him leave. No one answers when we knock, but the door’s locked, like, really locked.” She gives Inej a significant look.

Inej nods. Kaz has more locks on his door than any person should ever need, but he rarely uses all of them because several can only be locked and unlocked from the inside. He wouldn’t have gone through that much trouble if he was just going out. “Have you tried the windows?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Anika says. “We sent Mina up the morning after we lost track of him. The windows are all locked. To make matters worse, each one’s fitted with multiple Schuyler locks. Aside from Kaz there’s only a handful of people in the gang who can pick those, and none of them are capable of getting up on that roof without killing themselves.”

Inej bites her lip. She doesn’t know what to say. This doesn’t sound like Kaz at all. She tries to decide how likely it is that he just found an intriguing job and doesn’t like the odds. “Do you think he’s on a job?”

Anika growls low in the back of her throat, and Inej looks at her. “What?”

“You haven’t been around these past couple months, Ghafa,” Anika says. “Something’s not right with him. Hasn’t been in months, but it’s gotten worse since the last time you were here. I don’t know what kind of lover’s squabble the two of you had, but while you’ve been out there gallivanting around the ocean, we’ve been here dealing with him.”

Inej opens her mouth to protest that she’s doing a lot more than gallivanting, but stops herself because she’s not sure if Anika’s on the list of people who have been trusted with the true nature of her mission.

“Pim and I are basically running the Dregs,” Anika admits, calming down. “Brekker barely does anything anymore. I don’t think he’s realized we’ve noticed, though I’m not sure how that’s possible. He’s not very aware of anything. He spends a lot of time just staring blankly off into space. He’s not scheming, but I can’t figure out what he’s actually thinking about.”

Inej doesn’t know what to say. The idea of Kaz not pulling his own weight and leading the gang he bled for for so long is ludicrous. She can’t wrap her mind around it.

“So far, only the inner circle knows exactly how bad it is,” Anika says. She sounds exhausted. “That means me, Pim, Keeg, Dirix, Rotty, Roeder and Mina. We’re trying to keep it from going farther than that, but we’re running out of time. There are low-ranking members of the Dregs who are personally loyal to Kaz, but the majority of them are only loyal to the idea of him—of Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel. When they figure out what’s going on…”

She doesn’t finish, but she doesn’t need to. Inej knows the Barrel well enough to know what Anika was going to say. If word gets out that Kaz is weak the very gang that has followed him so ravenously will turn on him just like they turned on Per Haskell. If that happens, Kaz will be lucky to escape with his life.

The thought is terrifying.

“What happened before he went missing?” Inej asks Anika, trying to push the conversation away from the horrible idea of Kaz’s possibly imminent fall.

Anika sighs. “You’d do best to ask Espen that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hard to say,” Anika says. “All I know is that the night we lost track of the boss, he was supposed to go out to do some scouting with the spiders. He didn’t show up for hours. Roeder and Mina were just going to go without him, but Espen got angry and stalked upstairs. After a couple minutes he came down and said that-” she cuts herself off. “You know, you probably should talk to Espen about that, I’m not even sure I understand what went on.”

(5)

It takes Inej the better part of an hour to located Espen in the swirling mass of humanity in the Van Eck house. She’s just starting to wonder if he left without telling anyone when she runs into Mina. The young spider is more than happy to point her in Espen’s direction.

“I saw him over by the food,” she says. “Sulking probably; he hates parties.”

Inej threads through the crowd to the location specified. Espen is seated on a couch, crushed between the arm and a couple older members of the Dregs. He is clutching a plate of hors d'oeuvres and looks murderous, but he’s still there. If Kaz had been in his position, he’d have broken someone’s jaw and fled upstairs where there are less people by now.

Espen doesn’t notice her approach him, and Inej makes a mental note to tell Kaz to teach his spiders to be more observant. She waltzes up to Espen and snaps her fingers in front of his face.

He glares at her, overgrown mop of straw-colored hair falling into his angry blue eyes. Sometimes Inej looks at him and thinks that this must have been what Kaz had been like at age eleven, but other times she thinks that Kaz and Espen are only superficially alike. There is something almost theatrical about Espen’s anger, like he’s playing a part or seeking attention. She can’t imagine careful, calculating, brilliant Kaz ever acting like that.

“Wha’ do you want?” Espen asks in a low, gruff voice that might be a poor attempt at mimicking Kaz’s rasp.

“Just a chat,” Inej says and beckons with a finger. “Let’s go someplace quieter.”

(5)

She leads him into an upstairs parlor and locks the door behind them. He stands in the middle of the room, his arms crossed. “I’m waiting,” he says.

Inej rolls her eyes. “Drop the act. You’re not a hotshot. You’re just a kid.”

“I’m one of Kaz Brekker’s trusted spiders,” Espen says puffing his chest out. “I am one of the most important members of the Dregs.”

“Yes, and I’m the Wraith,” Inej says. “Do we really want to start throwing titles and accomplishments around?”

Espen visibly deflates. He either didn’t recognize her (which doesn’t make sense because she’s given him and the other spiders some tips during her visits in Ketterdam) or he was hoping she wouldn’t call him out on his bravado (much more likely). “What do you want?” he asks.

“Anika said that you and Kaz got in a fight a couple days ago,” Inej says.

“Yeah,” Espen says. “Happens all the time. Why does it matter?” There’s now something cagey about his body language. He’d rather not be talking about this.

“Why don’t you tell me about it,” Inej suggests, using the gentle, soothing voice she’s cultivated to put rescued slaves at ease.

She expects Espen to argue, but he grasps onto her offer to listen almost frantically. Whatever happened between him and Kaz has been weighing on his mind and he desperately wants to talk about it.

“I’m not a spider anymore,” he says.

That was not how she expected him to begin this conversation. “What do you mean?” she asks.

“I got fired,” Espen says, his voice is angry, but matter-of-fact in the way that only Barrel rats seem to be able to manage. As if bad things are something to be expected and taken when they come. “After the argument. Boss says he doesn’t want to see me ever again.”

That is odd. Inej has never known Kaz to tell someone he never wants to see them again. Loathe as she is to admit it, normally when he gets to that point he simply kills the person in question to ensure he doesn’t have to deal with them anymore. “What happened?” she asks slowly.

Espen shrugs, evasive anger back again. “I dunno. Brekker’s been really stupid lately.”

That sets off even more alarms in Inej’s head. She has never, ever heard the word “stupid” used in the same sentence as “Kaz Brekker.” “What do you mean?” she asks cautiously.

For a second Espen looks confused then nervous. “If Anika didn’t say anything, then maybe I shouldn’t-”

“Tell me,” Inej presses, shoving away the hurt at the idea that Anika might be keeping things from her. She and Anika aren’t exactly friends, but they’re not enemies either. Plus, Anika holds a position in the Dregs similar to the one that Kaz did when Haskell was general (albeit, with much less actual power). Of all the members of the Dregs, she’s the closest to Kaz and might be the only one who has a firm grasp on how serious Inej’s relationship with Kaz is. “Kaz is my friend,” she continues ignoring the voice that screams that she and Kaz are way past the “just friends” point. “If there’s something going on with him; I need to know about it.”

Espen sighs then relents and begins his story. Inej listens with growing shock as he relates his confrontation with Kaz. She recognizes the Kaz’s behavior because she has seen them in people she rescues from slavers. She has seen people who lash out at every perceived threat, who see such behavior as the only way to protect themselves from a world that has turned its back on them. She has just never applied them to Kaz.

“I don’t know what was wrong with him,” Espen finishes looking confused. “Is he sick?”

“He’ll be fine,” Inej says because she doesn’t feel like trying to explain trauma to a Barrel kid who has been raised in a community that refuses to acknowledge anything but strength. “Do you know where he went after your argument?”

Espen shrugs. “Dunno. I didn’t see him go anywhere.”

“Okay,” Inej says taking a deep breath in an effort to contain her thoughts. “Thank you.”

(6)

She approaches the Slat the way she always has; by the roofs. She isn’t sure that she truly believes Kaz will be there, but she isn’t sure where else to start so she decides to take her chances.

The window she always entered Kaz’s room through, the window she often sat in feeding the crows, is closed with a dark curtain pulled down behind it. It takes her upwards of twenty minutes to figure out how to pick the Schuyler locks, but when she finally does she pulls the window open, pushes aside the curtain and steps inside.

The room is dark and cluttered which is strange because for all his money Kaz owns very little and keeps what he does in impeccable order. Now there are clothes and weapons strewn across the floor. As Inej steps inside she accidently steps on a sheet of paper that is scrawled over on both sides in Kaz’s handwriting. A number of other sheets of paper are spread across the rest of the floor like someone threw them.

She’s just reaching the conclusion that someone must have broken into Kaz’s room and ransacked it when she realizes the room is not empty. There’s a teenage boy-sized lump in the bed and on closer investigation she realizes it’s Kaz.

She knows that Kaz sleeps on his side, curled into the fetal position with his back pressed up against the nearest wall, but she has never seen him take it quite this far. He’s curled up so tightly that he’s almost in a legitimate ball. She knows that’s bad for his leg; he’ll be lucky if he can stand let alone walk when he gets up. His coal gray blanket is pulled up so that only his hair is visible. He isn’t using a pillow and after a second she realizes that’s because he’s clutching it to his chest like it’s the only thing keeping him from drowning in a stormy ocean.

“Kaz?” she asks her voice nervous. “Kaz.” He doesn’t stir so she crosses the room trying to step around the papers incase they’re important. When she reaches his side, she kneels down next to him. “Kaz.” She says a little louder, reaching out and pulling the blanket away from his face, careful not to touch any skin. “Kaz, wake up.”

He shifts slightly, but doesn’t straighten or release his death grip on the pillow. One eye cracks open just slightly then closes again and he buries his face in the pillow.

“Kaz,” she repeats. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

He moves again, just slightly and mutters something, but the words are rendered incomprehensible by the pillow.

“Kaz!” her voice is rising panic now, she grasps his blanket-covered shoulder and shakes him. “Look at me!”

(7)

As always, the physical contact gets a response from him. He bats her hands away with a motion that is a little more haphazard than it usually would be. His eyes open and he looks at her like he can’t decide if she’s actually there. “Inej?” he asks after a moment. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you,” Inej says. “Why aren’t you at Jesper and Wylan’s party?”

Kaz looks away. “I’m not going,” he says.

“Yes, I’d kind of figured that out,” she says perhaps a bit sharper than she intended to. She takes a deep breath and changes her tone before she goes on. “Are you still angry at me for the last time I was here?” he doesn’t say anything so she pushes onward. “Anika said you’ve been missing for a couple days. Are you okay?”

No answer.

“Kaz,” she presses. “Are you okay?”

Still no answer. He won’t even look at her.

“Kaz!” she shouts. He jumps which might have actually been funny under different circumstances. “Enough of this. Are You Okay?” She isn’t even sure why she’s continuing on this line of questioning when he pretty obviously not okay and she knows that if she does convince him to talk he’ll just lie. Perhaps she just wants the reassurance of knowing that he’s at least okay enough to lie to her.

If that’s what she wants she doesn’t get it, because Kaz says nothing. He just keeps looking away, eyes vacant and dead.

Just like their argument on the roof. She’d thought how silent he’d been then was wrong. They’ve argued before, but Kaz has never been quiet and listened. When Kaz is in an argument he lays into the other person with every ounce of cruel intelligence he possesses. Before that night, Inej had never won an argument with him. She should have known right away that something was wrong, but she’d been too angry and too high on her own victory to notice.

“Kaz,” Her voice softens, almost pleading. “What’s wrong?”

Finally he looks back at her, his eyes are still dead in a way that looks nothing like the Bastard of the Barrel. “Nothing,” he says. “I’m fine.”

Even though she was expecting this she can’t help but sigh. “Tell me the truth, Kaz.”

“I was sleeping,” Kaz says in a tone of voice that’s a little too flat for his defensive words. “Nothing more.”

“It’s ten thirty,” she points out.

He raises an eyebrow. “All kinds of people go to bed before that.”

“Not you,” Inej points out. It’s true; going to bed at midnight constitutes as early for Kaz Brekker. “Come on, Kaz.”

“I’m fine,” he says. “Leave me alone and let me sleep.”

Then he curls up on the bed again with his back facing her.

(8)

She can’t get him to start talking to her again, no matter how much she pleads. When she tries shaking him again he just shoves her off and pulls the blanket over his head.

Eventually she realizes that she’s unlikely to get any response from him. She’s going to be stuck waiting for the unlikely possibility that he’ll relent and tell her what’s wrong. She stands up. “I’m going to clean up this room a little,” she told him. “I’ll be right here if you decide you want to talk.”

Kaz doesn’t answer.

Inej sighs and sets to work on the mess Kaz has made. There’s an empty whiskey bottle lying on the floor and when she picks it up she realizes that it’s that super expensive whiskey she and Kaz stole once. Trust Kaz not to get drunk on something cheap.

She throws the bottle away, then turns to the papers spread out across the floor. After she picks up a couple she realizes they’re part of a letter. It takes her the better part of fifteen minutes to gather them all up and figure out what order they go in, but then her curiosity gets the better of her and she starts to read.

(9)

What she reads horrifies her.

If it wasn’t Kaz’s handwriting she would have thought someone else wrote it. The words don’t sound like Kaz Brekker. Kaz Brekker isn’t this open. He doesn’t talk like this. Kaz Brekker does not display this kind of abject self-hatred. Yet at the same time she knows that this horrible, untrue letter is Kaz and she knows that this is how he feels. This is what she abandoned him to without even realizing it.

She knew he had a lot armor, but she realizes now she may have given her understanding a bit too much credit. She had thought that she saw Kaz completely through the eyes of the almost eighteen year old woman she is now, but she realizes she was wrong. Somewhere inside of her a tiny portion of the fifteen year old girl she had been when Kaz rescued her from the Menagerie has been hanging on skewing her viewing of him. Back then she saw Kaz as something powerful and immortal, something strong enough to rise above the filth of Ketterdam, something that could make the monsters pay. That was what had drawn her to him in the beginning; the promise that perhaps, just perhaps he could make her something like that too.

Over the years that view of Kaz had started to die as she realized that Ketterdam took something from everyone, realized she did not need to be a monster. She’d also realized that Kaz was no demon, no immortal being, he was just a boy who had suffered trauma every bit as great as hers.

If Inej was honest with herself, Kaz had done more than just buy her indenture; he was why she wasn’t like some of the blank-eyed people she pulls out of slaver holds. From the instant she’d left the Mangerie, she’d never had the chance to sink into the blackness of her own despair because Kaz had always been there pushing her to move climb a little faster, hit a little harder, to be more than that girl who’d been sold in the brothels. He had saved her, even if he’d never intended to, even if he hadn’t even realized he was doing it. She had owed him the same, and she’d failed.

She sits on the floor and presses her forehead against her knees. She’d left Ketterdam thinking that she didn’t need Kaz anymore. That is at least kind of true; she no longer relies on him to determine her identity the she once did. She’s her own person with her own goals in her reach, but she’d forgotten to wonder whether Kaz needs her more than she needs him.

She turns to him. She doesn’t know what she’s going to say to him, but she knows that she needs to say something. “Kaz…” she whispers. He doesn’t respond, but his shoulders aren’t as tight as they were before so she thinks he’s fallen back to sleep.

She carefully pulls the blanket back around his shoulders so it’s no longer covering his face. Then she carefully steps towards the window. She isn’t sure what she needs to do to fix this and the only thing she can think of is that the only food Kaz keeps in his rooms is dry, gross stuff that doesn’t spoil. Food is like a bandage on a gaping wound, but it is something she can do right now.

Before she leaves she thinks about trying to find all Kaz’s knives and lock them up. She doesn’t know if Kaz will try to hurt himself, but she also knows that she’s unlikely to find all the knives he has hidden. She decides she’s better off just moving quickly and hoping to be back before he wakes up.

She takes one last look at his crumpled form and leaps out the window.

(10)

Her first stop is at the Van Eck mansion. She writes a note to Anika saying that she’s found Kaz, and one to Jesper and Wylan saying that something has come up and that she’ll make it up to them later. She doesn’t mention anything about the kind of shape Kaz is in. She’s not going to tell anyone about what’s going on without his blessing.

She gives the letters to one of the servants then sneaks into the kitchens. She makes off with some meat and vegetables because it will be easier than finding a shop to break into. She’ll pay Jesper and Wylan back later.

After leaving the mansion she stops by the Wraith to grab a few things. This only takes a few minutes and the crewmember on watch doesn’t even notice that she’s there. She makes a mental note to give her crew a talking to about how to be on guard duty, but right now she has bigger problems.

As she heads back to the Slat she passes by the small toy shop where she got the stuffed crow she gave to Alby Rollins before she left Ketterdam. She picks the simple lock on the backdoor and lets herself in. The shop is just as small and quaint as it was the last time she was here. She remembers belatedly that she’d promised the owner she’d convince Kaz to put this shop under Dregs protection in exchange for making the crow toy in a matter of hours. She’d forgotten in the whirlwind of preparations for her voyage. She renews that promise to herself as she looks at the wares spread out around the dark shop. She should not get in the habit of breaking her promises.

She wanders through the store looking at all the cute, fluffy stuffed toys. She isn’t exactly sure why she came here, but she feels like she needs to be here.

Eventually she stops before a rack of stuffed bears. She had a bear toy as a child. She remembers hugging it to her chest and feeling safe. She wonders briefly what happened to it when she got too old to want it anymore. Suddenly she hopes her parents didn’t get rid of it. She would like to see it again.

As she runs her fingers along the shelves of stuffed bears she wonders if Kaz ever had a toy like this. She has spent a lot of time recently trying to figure out exactly where Kaz came from. She knows that at some point in his life someone must have cared for him--he would have died as an infant if he’d been completely abandoned from the moment he was born--but she hasn’t been able to figure out who. She knows Kaz had a brother, but she doesn’t even know what his name was let alone how much older he was. Perhaps this older brother raised Kaz in the Barrel and then ran afoul of Pekka Rollins.

The only person who could answer her questions is Kaz and he’s so close-lipped about himself that it’s honestly a miracle he admitted he even had a brother. She wishes she could convince him to talk to her. She wants to help him, and talking always helps.

She shakes herself. She’s not helping Kaz by sitting in a toy shop and leaving him all alone. She starts to leave, then pauses and turns back to the rack of bears. She suddenly becomes aware of the idea that has been forming in her mind the entire time she’s been in this shop. She’s fully aware it might be a terrible idea and that he might refuse it at best and assume she’s mocking him at worst, but she feels like it’s something she needs to do.

She chooses to a medium-sized bear with a soft, cuddly body; silky, caramel-colored fur and a sweet, reassuring face that doesn’t have any uncomfortable wires in it. She sets the tag on the shop counter along with twice the kruge the owner is charging and slides the bear into a bag she took from Jesper and Wylan’s.

She leaves the shop, locking the door carefully behind her. Then she takes a deep breath, collects herself and takes to the rooftops for the journey back to the Slat.

--

That teddy bear is probably the one concession to fluff you’ll get out of me. I read a headcanon post on Tumblr once where Inej wins a stuffed animal in a throwing contest and gives it to Kaz, and ever since I’ve been sort of obsessed with the idea.

One more part left. Hopefully it will get out soon, but I’ll make no promises.

Thank you for reading!

Emjen