#i’m hoping my best friend still has mcdonald’s coupons because if there was ever a bitch in need of a mcflurry it is me

[fingertipsmp3]

Survived my first day of my new job :)

[jungshookz]

CHAPTER THREE; The investigation.

chapter one; chapter two

                               Player has chosen: [B] Stay together! 

“okay, if you’re not scared, then you’re okay with us splitting up to find the rest of the gang, right?” taehyung tilts his head before raising a brow

you swallow thickly and take a couple of seconds to think it through

if you split up, there would be four people exploring four different parts of the house, which would be pretty efficient

but sticking together would be a much safer option and this house does give you the heebie-jeebies after all...

“i’m…” you trail off before shaking your head gently, “i’m not scared, but i don’t think it’s a good idea to split up. this house is huge and we could lose each other again, which means we’d waste even more time.”

taehyung immediately lets out a quiet groan and tilts his head back, “ugh. you guys are so lame.”

wha-

you’re not lame!!

you’re just,.,. you’re being safe!!

and safety isn’t lame!!

“okay, what about if we split off in groups of two?” you suggest, raising a brow, “that way we’re not entirely alone, and we have two teams searching the house instead of just one big one…”

“okay… i guess i can get on board with that…”

“and this can be our meeting spot!” you perk up, “how about… twenty minutes? in twenty minutes, no matter what, you have to come back here for a team update.”

“this is exciting!” jimin grins, clasping his hands together in anticipation, “it kinda feels like we’re ghost-hunting.”

taehyung snorts, “well, yoongi is as pale as a ghost, so i guess there’s some truth in that-”

“alright! so, jungkook and i will take floors one to three, and you guys can take floors four to six-“

“woah, woah, woah-“ taehyung interrupts you, waving both his hands to stop you, “hold on just a second- why do you get to take jungkook?”

you frown lightly, “what do you mean?”

“if you take jungkook, you get the flashlight and the baseball bat. that’s so not fair!”

“i thought you morons weren’t scared of this dusty old house.” you mock, using the bat to gesture around the large room

“we’re not scared-!” taehyung argues, “but anyone would feel a little better having at least one helpful tool.”

you suppose he’s right

it’s only fair that their team gets a tool

you roll your eyes before nudging jungkook with your elbow, “jungkook, give him your flashlight-”

jungkook immediately gawks and holds his precious flashlight to his chest, “what? no way! i’m not giving up the flashlight! you give him your bat!”

and now it’s youR turn to gawk

“what?? i’m not giving him my bat! i’m the weakest one here, i actually need the weapon if we get into any kind of trouble-”

“you know…” taehyung whistles lowly, “for two people who claim they aren’t a pair of scaredy-cats, you sure are acting like it now-”

“okay, what about this?” you use your bat to point towards jimin, “i’ll take jimin, and you can take jungkook-”

“i don’t wanna pair up with taehyung!” jungkook speaks up, shaking his head furiously, “no friggin’ way!”

oh jesus

at this rate you’re going to be here all night just arguing about who’s going to go with whO

the others would be better off finding you guys instead of you guys finding them

“and why not?”

“because he’s an asshole- and what if he tries scaring me again? this place already gives me the creeps, and i don’t need taehyung whispering about how this place could’ve been, like, a mental hospital or something and the deranged patients are still somewhere in here-”

“oh my god, jungkook-!” you cut him off, partly to get him to shut up and partly to get him to stOp talking about deranged mental patients because the idea of that is just plain terrifying, “okay, i will take taehyung, and you can take jimin. is everyone happy??”

a good five seconds of silence ticks by and you take that as a yes

finally

thank GOD

“ooh, you know what we should do?” taehyung gasps as he makes his way over to you, “why don’t we turn this into a game? whichever team comes back with more people in twenty minutes is the winner!”

“what kind of prize are we talking about?” jungkook perks up, his competitive streak suddenly kicking in, “i like games if there are prizes to win.”

hm

you like playing games too

and you like winning prizes

plus, it’ll motivate you to find everyone faster!

“i have a starbucks coupon in my wallet?” you offer, “there’s like, six bucks left on it, but it’s better than nothing-“

“i have a strawberry flavoured condom in mine!” jimin chirps

everyone looks over at him

“what?” he shrugs, “strawberry is tastier than plain ol’ latex.”

“okay, well-” taehyung claps his hands together to effectively bring this flavoured condom conversation to an end, “the winning team gets a six dollar starbucks coupon, a strawberry flavoured condom, and the title of best team ever- so we’re all in, then? are we doing this?”

“mhm.”

“yep!”

“uh-huh.”

“remember, twenty minutes!” you call out as jimin and jungkook head back towards the staircase to go up to the third floor, “twenty minutes and we meet back here- aaand no one’s listening to me. wonderful.”

the sound of their footsteps fade into the distance and soon enough, it’s just you and taehyung

you turn around to look at him, “alright, superstar. there’s no way in hell i’m giving up my starbucks coupon, so we’d better get a move-on.”

“i say we tackle the kitchen first,” taehyung nods enthusiastically, “i could use a snack.”

“you- you think you’re going to get a snack here?” you snort, the two of you heading towards what seems to be the swinging double-doors to a kitchen, “unless you’re in the mood for, like, dead cockroaches and dust bunnies, i doubt you’re going to find anything yummy here.”

“hm.” tae frowns, “good point. you don’t think they have any canned goods here? like, canned peaches or… i don’t know, i’ll even take tuna-“

“tae- give up all hope of finding something edible here. after we find everyone, we’ll get out of here and go to mcdonalds! i’d kill for a big mac right now-”

“okay, you need to stop talking about food because i’m actually starving right now-“ taehyung looks down and places a hand over his tummy before patting it, “let’s talk about something else. who are we finding first?”

the two of you step into the kitchen, the door gently swinging back and forth behind you 

for a house that’s seemingly been abandoned, this kitchen is pretty neat

you expected it to be overrun by rats and covered in weeds and all that 

it’s still pretty dusty in here, though 

“well, i don’t think we can plan to find someone first, tae.” you raise a brow as you swipe a finger over the gritty kitchen island, “we find whoever we find.”

you rub the grime in between your fingers before wiping your hand off on the back of your jeans

“touché.” taehyung mutters as he walks alongside you, “say you were mr. kim namjoon himself, where do you think you would be?”

“hm. do i think i’m in trouble or am i just passed out?” you ask absentmindedly as you open up the drawers in search for anything useful

unfortunately, all you’re able to find are boring old utensils   

you’re not sure how useful forks and spoons are as self-defence weapons

unless you scooped someone’s eyes out with the spoons

that could work! 

that sounds like it requires technique, though… so maybe you’ll have to go with a different approach

“um… just passed out.” taehyung coughs before waving his hand in front of his face, “jesus, it’s dusty in here-” 

you let out a gasp when you end up finding a box of matches - there are only three matchsticks left, but that’s definitely better than no matchsticks at all!

light!! 

“well, see, that’s not fair, because then it’s free game-” you spin around and hold the box of matches up before shaking it gently, “if i was a passed out namjoon, i could be anywhere in this damn house- also, see if you can find any candles or anything-”

“you know, these types of games aren’t fun when you overanalyse and think about it like that-” taehyung flat out ignores you before bending over so he can lean against the kitchen island, “i change my answer. say you were a mr. kim namjoon who thought someone was chasing you- what would you do and where would you hide?” 

you wait for two seconds to see if taehyung will make a move to get up and actually help you 

and.... 

nope 

god

you have to do everything around here

“okay, fine. if i was a namjoon who thought i was in trouble…” you let out a sigh as you spin back around before reaching up to open up the cupboards, “i would probably leave a clue somewhere for my friends to find me…”

a large speck of dust floats past your eyes and you’re about to wave it away when you suddenly remember the dust that you saw earlier at the top of the staircase

…

you follow it with your eyes, watching carefully as it drifts past you and begins lowering to the ground

“like a hansel and gretel situation?” taehyung asks, “with the crumbs of bread and stuff?”

“exactly…” you murmur, watching curiously as the speck of dust never actually floats to the ground but appears to float down the hall

“what would namjoon use in place of bread? probably, like, those caramel candies he’s always sucking on-” taehyung snorts and moves to the side when you shut the cupboards and lean over to keep an eye on the floating dust, “what are you looking at?” he asks, standing up straight to look at what you’re looking at

which is...

nothing? 

“nothing, nothing-” you shake your head, quickly springing into action when you nearly lose sight of it, “here, take the bat-” 

you don’t know why but you feel like you have to follow it

or maybe you’re just crazy and it’s just an innocent speck of dust because this house really IS super old and musty after all 

there’s nothing left to explore in the kitchen so you have to move on to other rooms anyway  

taehyung takes the bat from you and props it up so he’s holding it over his shoulder, “what’s going on?”

you fumble with the little cardboard carton before pulling a matchstick out and quickly striking it against the side of the box, a little ball of flame suddenly coming to life and flickering before your eyes

the corridor is pitch black so you can’t see very far ahead, but it’s better than fumbling around in the dark 

you swallow your nerves before venturing forward, tucking the carton into your pocket for safe-keeping 

“hey, wait- where are you going??” taehyung stammers, quickly trailing behind you as you leave the kitchen

“i just have a feeling…” you murmur, watching the flame carefully and slowing your pace down a little when it trembles a little too violently for your liking 

if this thing blows out halfway through and leaves you in the complete dark.,,. you’re 100% going to piss yourself 

the two of you round the corner and start to walk down what feels like a longer, narrower corridor

your tiny little torch is proving to be very useful right now!

“you know, we’re supposed to be a team.” taehyung hisses, “you can’t just start walking and not tell me where you’re going-”

your sneakers squeak against the floor when you suddenly come to a stop, tae letting out a grunt as he bumps into your back, ““jesus, the architecture of this place literally doesn’t make any sense at all.” 

“what are you talking about?” taehyung asks, glancing over his back towards the safety of the kitchen 

it’s brighter in the kitchen so he can still see a patch of light, but it seems like it’s a million miles away 

“i mean… what is this?” you gesture in front of you 

the corridor splits off into three different paths

the middle one just continues on into the darkness

but the others split off into two different… rooms? for some reason

kind of like the letter ‘y’ with a gap in the middle 

the doors to the rooms have glass panels in the centre and you take a step closer to peer into the left one, and then right one

and from that point onward, things just keep getting weirder and weirder

in the left room, there’s a staircase spiralling down, and in the right room, there’s a staircase spiralling up

you wouldn’t be surprised if the staircases led to more corridors with even more staircases

“i don’t know about this.” taehyung mutters, “i don’t… i mean, i really don’t think anyone would be here… i think we should go back to the kitchen, y/n. i’m, like, a little scared right now-”

“okay, yeah.” you mutter, “my match is about to die, so-”

as soon as you turn around to start heading down the hall, you suddenly feel a little thump from underneath your feet

you jump in surprise and reach out to grab the back of tae’s arm, “did you- did you feel that?”

“did i feel what?”

“the… i swear i felt something. i heard something too- like- like if someone was, like… like if someone smacked their fist against the wall or something-”

“what? well, i would’ve heard it too but i didn’t hear anything…” taehyung mutters uneasily, attempting to start walking again only for you to pull him back

he lets out a sigh before turning to look over at you, “okay, fine. where did the sound come from?”

you swallow thickly as you turn to look over your shoulder, “…the door on the left.”

“...okay, well, there’s no way i’m going in there, so i’m gonna head back to the kitchen-” 

you feel taehyung’s arm slip away from your hand right as your match burns out and you open your eyes as wide as they can possibly go as if doing so will give you night-vision or something 

“taehyung, hold on-” you fumble for the box of matches in your pocket, “just gimme a second to-” 

as soon as you light another match, you’re more than surprised to see that the structure of the corridor has changed because now you’re standing in front of a wall 

you turn around quickly to see that the three paths are still there 

??

what??

where did the-

where did the kitchen go??

where did the corridor go??? 

your hand starts to tremble, the little flame starting to shake as well 

you feel your heart beginning to pound a little harder in your chest and you whimper quietly when you hear another thump

what do you want to do?

> [A] Don’t go into the room! You don’t know what’s down there!

> [B] Go into the room! …Once again, you don’t know what’s down there... And what if it’s one of the others?

Place your vote here.

You have one hour.

Good luck.

[yoondoze]

ultimatum | l.dh

donghyuck is a cute regular who has seen your spectacle reserved for rude customers a number of times and just can’t get enough of it.

pairing: donghyuck/reader

genre/au: fluff, coffee shop! au

word count: 2.2k

warnings: none

a/n: i kinda forgot that i had this in my drafts and decided to finish it! this was the mcdonalds au i once mentioned but thought that a coffee shop might work better. hope you enjoy <3 also, this was inspired by an incident from this post

When you’ve been working in fast food for long enough, your skin gets real thick.

There was just about nothing that could get to you, not even the wrath of a fifty-year-old man with a heavy southern accent calling you a whore because a barista accidentally gave him whipped cream when he didn’t ask for any - even claiming that whipped cream was emasculating! It wasn’t your fault and you knew it, even though he treated it like you killed his firstborn son. Still, you didn’t let it stress you out. You were tougher than nails - in fact, you were the type of person to throw nails into your mouth like sunflower seeds, chew them, and spit them out. When you were at work, anyway.

However, that didn’t mean you enjoyed dealing with it. Sometimes, you couldn’t get customers to leave you alone - Jesus Christ lady, I already gave you a refund and a coupon if you ever want to come back (please don’t), what more do you want? And you had a perfect way to get rid of it.

It was just a thing. Your coworkers laughed til their ribs hurt every time you pulled it and it was undeniably hilarious. You knew you weren’t supposed to anymore and perhaps it was a bit manipulative, but in your book, they deserved it.

And here we go again. 

“There are no straws left,” she said abruptly. Her horribly cut side bangs swept to the right of her face screamed that this would be more troublesome than you were willing to put up with. When you looked over, she was correct. There were no more straws left in the basket on the counter. Big whoop.

“I’m sorry ma’am,” you replied in your most polite, high pitched voice, “I’ll be right on it in a moment.”

You continued taking the current customer’s order, hoping a coworker mulling around might have heard it and would get her the damn straw. No one stepped up though, leading you to believe that they almost wanted it to escalate, especially when Jisung - who was “busy” making a drink - gave you a look. Nothing had happened all day and everyone was bored out of their minds.

“Alright, your total will be-”

“Excuse me?” Her eye twitched as she interrupted you.

“One moment please ma’am, I’ll be right with you.”

“...Are you kidding me?” She scoffed. “All I need is a damn straw, and you kids are just going to ignore me?”

In the blink of an eye, you were wearing an anxious expression like a mask and your voice was faltering with worry. The customer who was right in front of you, who was actually quite pleasant, was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the woman leaning into his bubble just to get in your face.

“Ma’am, I’m dealing with another customer-”

“And you were dealing with me first!” she yelled, bringing up a poorly manicured finger to point at you. “This place is horrendous. I cannot believe how low the bar is for the service I am receiving right now. You are one lazy little girl, and let me tell you, not one member of your generation is fit for the workforce right now. Always in your phones, not even able to refill the straws! When I get home, I am going to leave a Yelp review that will bring this place to the ground!”

You had to stifle a laugh in your throat.

It was dead silent. Conversations came to a halt, food was left half-chewed in people’s mouths as they focused on the ordeal up at the register. Some people in the place had seen you do it once or twice, if they came here regularly when you were working. Those people met your eyes and watched with excitement. One who you were familiar with, Donghyuck, looked up from his phone and raised his eyebrow at you from a corner booth, anticipating your next move.

The first time viewers were in for a treat.

Cue the waterworks. Your eyes filled to the brim with glassy tears, something you learned to do on command since you started working here, and brought your hands to your face. It was just natural at this point.

In a choked voice, you stumbled over your words, “I, I’m so sorry ma’am, it’s just that I… It’s my first day today and…”

You watched as her anger melted away and guilt began to take place. “I’m so sorry for messing up, I just got overwhelmed and…”

“No, no, no darling, I am sorry for yelling at you and I shouldn’t have. You’re new and it was my fault…” Her cheeks were incredibly red at this point, eyes wide and absolutely astonished. While you kept crying, sobs comparable to those in an afternoon soap opera, she had no clue what to do. Everyone in the store was looking at her with judgemental eyes, even her kids sitting at the booth. You spared a quick glance to Donghyuck, who gave you a concealed thumbs up as he tried not to laugh.

Instead of finishing the conversation, she simply hurried away back to her table, embarrassed, putting on her jacket and quickly pushing her family out. Trying to hold in your laughter, you ran to the back and let another watching worker take your place.

The others on break burst into laughter when you walk in and you couldn’t help but join them. It just felt good to see rude customers get what was coming to them, even if you had to lie a little. You wiped your eyes and patted your face dry with a towel as they complimented your performance. It was unbelievable that you weren’t being cast in movies instead of working a minimum wage barista job.

“Oh my god, Y/N, you’re so good at that!”

“It never gets old, I swear.”

“Just don’t let the manager find out you did it again.”

That was the one problem you had with the joke. Your manager, Doyoung, was strict and held way too much pride in his direction of the café. He maybe smiled at it the first time and then warned you not to pull the act again or there would be consequences. Since then, it always had to be something just between the employees. He was friendly but took his work in the fast casual business seriously and wouldn’t hesitate to let you go if you presented any problems, and unfortunately, you needed the money.

“Well, I’m not letting him know anytime soon, so you better not either. I’m your only source of entertainment around here, anyway,” you laughed, setting down your towel.

After it was safe to go out again, you received a few comments from customers who had witnessed it. Some were apologetic, clearly those who felt sympathetic for the new worker. Others were happy to praise your acting, and the shared laughter made you forget about the possibility of getting fired for it and wondering if it was worth the effort.

It was a little while later that you noticed that Donghyuck still sat in his corner booth. It surprised you, as the boy was typically only here for an hour max to do schoolwork before heading home. To be completely honest, you were always a bit disheartened when he left. You thought you worked better when there was eye candy present, encouraging you to do your best. Not like correctly making lattes would impress him, but you get the gist. 

You memorized his order fairly quickly when he first started coming around and always tended to him with much more care than other customers. Your coworkers noticed it and teased you about it constantly - especially Jisung - but nonetheless let you have your fun.

Donghyuck was fairly talkative. Typically you would only listen half-heartedly when it came to customer conversations, but you paid full attention when he was speaking. He talked about his group of friends at school, his teachers, and sometimes you were even treated with a fun story of something that had happened recently. He was really kind and charming, not to mention that he was so cute that it made your heart hurt sometimes.

Occasionally you left a smiley face next to his name on the cup when you were feeling lucky, but not much came of it other than a small laugh, which you were still delighted to see anyway. Jisung suggested for you to write your number down a few times, but you wouldn’t be able to deal if he rejected you like that.

In other words, you had a big fat crush, and him staying later today gave you an ounce of sweet, sweet hope. 

It was close to the end of your shift when he came up to the counter. Jisung had gone to the back to get his things since the place was pretty empty, so it was just you.

He looked like he was just going to leave, with his backpack slung on his shoulder and all, but he didn’t. You tilted your head to the side as he approached the pick-up counter rather than the registers. “Not ordering?” you asked.

“No, actually,” he said, scratching the back of his neck, “I, uh, I just wanted to talk to you for a little.”

It was safe to say that your heart leaped from your chest. This had to be it!

“Oh, okay... well then what’s up?”

He sighed and then smiled. “That act you pulled earlier… I swear, I never get tired of it.”

You laughed in return. “Yeah, me neither… I don’t know, it’s pretty entertaining for me, too.”

“How do you do it?” he leaned in closer and lowered his voice for dramatics. “Like, you start crying on demand. It’s amazing!”

You could only shrug, trying to keep your cool as he talked. “I couldn’t tell you. I just make myself get really upset, like it’s actually my first day, and go from there. I’m no actor, but... I’d say it’s pretty convincing.”

“No, it’s definitely convincing. I think I’ve seen it happen about four times now, including today. It’s great, like you just flip a switch and boom! Oscar-winning performance.”

The two of you giggled over it, sending your heart fluttering like a hummingbird’s wings. You couldn’t see yourself in a mirror but were sure your face was flushed red. Eventually, as the energy started to die down, he began again.

“Anyway, so I think you kinda know that I’m not just here to talk - I, I mean I like talking I just had something else to say-”

“It’s fine,” you said, grin prickling at your lips, “Don’t worry.”

He sighed, fingers entangling themselves as they rested on the counter. Donghyuck cleared his throat and then he said quickly, “This is a bit awkward and probably not the best place to ask but since I don’t know when else I could do it… would you go on a date with me sometime?” 

He waited for your response with wide eyes, chewing on his bottom lip. You were so shocked that you couldn’t get any words out. It was your dream come true, yet you were still screwing it up.

“Um, you know what, nevermind, it was stupid of me to ask and especially while you were at work-”

You waved your hand as you realized where he was going. “No, no, it’s fine! I was just surprised, that’s all!” It was especially shocking that he was so flustered. From what you had seen from him, he was calm and collected. This wasn’t smooth as you imagined, but it was incredibly endearing.

You bit your lip mischievously. “I mean… I don’t know, Donghyuck. You’re a customer. Why should I?”

Fortunately, he received your playfulness well. What you didn’t expect was for him to come back even stronger. “Well, if you want to get serious… I’ll leave a complaint that you fake cry to make annoying customers feel guilty?”

A loud, hearty laugh made its way out of your chest. “Okay, fair enough. As long as you don’t tell my manager, I’d be happy to go on a date with you.”

You gave him a cheeky wink and grabbed a notepad and a pen and started to scribble down your phone number. When you handed it to him, that adorable signature grin spread across his face.

“Okay, I’ll... call you sometime. Thanks, Y/N.”

Then he was off, out the door with a certain bounce in his step that made you giddy, too. You had to turn around, letting yourself do a little dance of joy. At that moment, Jisung came out from the back with a smug look on his face. He punched you on the shoulder lightly as he walked out behind the counter.

“Finally,” he laughed as you protested. “It’s literally been months.”

You squinted your eyes as you stared at the boy who was now cleaning up. He had been gone for quite a long period of time, and wasn’t he just getting his things? “Did you have anything to do with this?”

He just smiled to himself as he washed his hands.

“Jisung!” you whined, swatting at him. 

“Hey, hey, I only dropped some hints! Nothing explicit, it’s not like I paid him… just some hints!”

Scrunching up your nose, you crossed your arms and looked away.

“C’mon, Y/N, I’m your wing-man! You needed it and you know it.”

“Okay, maybe!” you threw your hands up in surrender. Then, in a small voice, you mumbled, “Thanks.”

But that pretty much decided it. If you could get yourself a date with the cutest boy you’ve ever seen out of it, the risk of being fired was more than worth it.

[wheneverythingisgray]

I want to open up about this past year, in the context of my life, for the first time. I want to truly open up, without holding back any of the details. However, I know that I can’t do that. I can’t do that because I’m going to share this publicly, and to be honest there’s a lot of things that go on in my head that I can’t even admit to myself, let alone people that I actually know. But, If you’re reading this please know that this is a good thing. As dark as some of my thoughts may seem, as bad as things look, sharing my feelings is a good sign. It means that I’m willing to talk about it. And, if you choose to read this please know that I am not asking for advice. Please do not tell me to go to a counselor, even if you mean the best by it. Please keep in mind that these are my personal thoughts that I am choosing to share because I want to get them out for my own sake. 

Now that that’s been said, if family members are reading this, I want you to know that I don’t blame any of you for this. Every story has more than one side, and your stories do as well. I’m just telling things from my perspective. If you choose to read this and you know me personally, I would prefer that you use your discretion in bringing this up to me. It’s hard enough to type it out, let alone talk about it in person or under interrogation by people that I know.

Now then, I think I can start.

A lot of you already know that I’ve had a bit of a rough upbringing. I moved a lot, went a few years living without my parents around, had a lot of responsibilities thrust on me as a child, etc. I know what you’re thinking, even if you don’t want to admit it...that people have had it worse. People have lost their parents. I know this. But try to imagine a kid who’s already genetically predisposed to mental illness and addiction who’s essentially alone at 12-13, who’s been left by both of her parents, and who has been ripped out of the only home she knew for the past 10 years. Imagine being 6-7 years old and having a classmate draw a picture of you being shot by a laser, throwing up, and dying. Imagine having boys ask you out as a joke or on a dare. Imagine that causing so much trauma that even now when someone compliments you or asks you on a date you wonder if it’s a joke. It’s a lot for a fucking child to deal with. And then to top it off, I’ve been told that it’s not real bullying because I wasn’t physically harmed. But emotional harm can sting just as bad.

I finally got out of that. I got to live with one of my parents. I went to a decent school where I wasn’t bullied. And then that parent relapsed and started to drink again. And then that parent was gone again and I was, essentially, alone again. While that parent was in rehab I was living with their partner, someone who I had known since I was a kid. But... they were hardly ever home. I was 14-15 years old and I was alone, constantly. I’d spend hours in my room by myself. We’d use coupons to get McDonalds for our meals, or we’d go to the food bank. There’s nothing wrong with needing help, everyone would say, and I know that there isn’t. I wasn’t ashamed at it. I was scared. I was scared of why we had to live on a week to week basis. And I was lonely. So I started to hurt myself.

Long story short, I ended up going to a boarding school. I received a diagnosis of major depression and help with my mental illness. I was started on medication. I was hospitalized briefly for suicidal thoughts, but that experience really helped me and when I came out of the hospital I felt better than I had in a long time. But I was told that I couldn’t tell any of my friends why I was in the hospital. I had to tell them I was sick. None of them could know that I was depressed and suicidal. Of course, I told some of them anyways, but imagine how that felt? Imagine being told that your illness was a dirty secret that you had to keep hidden. Now there were some reasonable thoughts behind this rule, such as not wanting to trigger other people. However, the fact that I couldn’t tell even my closest friends? That made me feel like I should be ashamed.

And then I was better. For awhile. Until an adult at the school made my life a living hell. I wish he could read this so he knew just what he did to me. He thought he was helping me by giving me a hard time. What he doesn’t know is that his emotional abuse triggered me into relapsing. And yes, that’s what it was, Mister. It was emotional abuse. You told me I was self-absorbed and that I didn’t think about anyone but myself, just like the little voice inside my head told me. You told me that I used my depression as an excuse, just like that voice did. You yelled at me until I cried and started to hyperventilate. Even when I tried so hard to do good, you didn’t care about my intention. And then when you broke me down into a sobbing mess you wouldn’t even let me call my father. No, you took me into your office and criticized me some more and then wouldn’t let me call him unless you were there listening to the conversation. Then there was my journal, you know, the one that I used to write letters back and forth with my boyfriend? You overheard me having an anxiety attack about how it had been taken by you, so what did you do? You called me into your office and flipped through our private conversations to teach me a lesson about sharing secrets with boys. Did you know that those secrets I was worried you would read were about my self-harm? Did you know that those fucking secrets were me opening up to my first love about how much I hated myself? Did you know how TERRIFIED you made me to ever write down my thoughts? One time, after you “disciplined me” I went to clean my room and ended up climbing into my wardrobe and shutting the door so that I could sit in the quiet dark by myself for a little while. One time I scratched my legs, arms, and stomach until I was red and raw. 

You might sit there and pat your back and think that you did good for all those girls, but you did not do good for me. You abused me. Why do you think I never came back to visit you? I came back once and hardly spoke at all because just being in that house gave me a stomach ache and made me shake. To this fucking day I think of YOUR voice when I start to hate myself. I think of all of the things you said to me. 

I don’t blame anyone for this illness I have, but I do blame you for abusing your position of power over me. 

Once I left that house, things were good for awhile. I’ve always had ups and downs, but never any really low points...until this past year.

This year I lost two of the most important people in my life. I lost a mother figure to cancer and it tore me apart. But I also lost one of my biological parents to their addiction, in a sense. They’re alive and sober now, but this past year they haven’t been themself. Between all the drinking and coping with their grief at home, I haven’t had much time to focus on my own feelings. So I’ve bottled them up. But here it goes:

I feel sick when I think about you saying you would disown me. I know you were drunk, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. 

I feel sick when I think about the fact that I wasn’t there for my mother figure in her last few days. I avoided it because I was scared, but she was always there for me and I wasn’t there for her.

I feel sick when I think about the fact you called me the weak one- that I’m the weak daughter. 

I feel sad because I feel like I’ve lost bonds that used to help me through my darkest times. 

And I’m sad because I can’t just be honest and cry without being told that I’m not trying hard enough because I’m not seeking counseling. 

And I’m fucking sad because I can’t even be completely open here because I’m afraid of what people will say.

I shake when I’m anxious now. My entire fucking body shakes. 

I am so drained. Half of the time I just want to get up and leave. I just want to go somewhere else and disconnect from everybody in my life (save a few close friends). And to be honest? I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m going to do once I graduate. I’m going to get some money together and I’m going to take a flight somewhere else and just start fucking walking. Because I’ve seen people work all of their lives and never get a damn thing from it. I’ve seen some of the best people go through the worst things and it’s not fucking fair, but that’s just how it is, right? So why do we keep sticking to this routine like it’s going to change anything? So why should I stay and get a job in this place I don’t like so that I can gain skills to do another job that I don’t like until I have the experience to do a job I sort of like, only to realize that once I’m there all I have left is to keep doing the same thing for the rest of my life? Is this cycle of being drained and then moderately happy all I have to look forward to? I don’t think so. I don’t hope so. 

This year doesn’t have a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Things are still shit. But I also learned this year that life makes me unhappy enough as it is, so there’s no point in making myself unhappy too. I switched my major because I realized that I was forcing myself to do something I thought was practical even though I hated it. I won’t force myself to live a life I hate either. Back in that school I learned that you have to “fake it to make it”, but now I see that’s just bullshit. We tell ourselves that but then we go our whole lives and we never stop faking it. I faked it through high school, I tried to fake it through a major I hated, but I won’t do that for the rest of my life. I’m just going to make it. I don’t know how, but I will. 

Funny how something that started off so negatively can end so positively. I only hope my life follows the same pattern.