#i am in so far over my head it is actually unreal. and someone from admin just sent through ANOTHER list of people! great!!!

[fingertipsmp3]

Survived my first day of my new job :)

[hornyjorny]

following the river

summary: almost a frame-by-frame fanfic of river's scene in-game, but better :3 ish!! an- guys i am so fucking sorry i haven't posted in fucking AGES i've been absolutely dogged with work n shit and i'm depressed as fuck. anyway. here's to my loyal river fans (all twelve of us) hashtag justice for river ward ive literally spent months on this for no reason warnings- smut (18+ mdni), cowgirl, first time, you're both nervous as fuck, multiple positions, switch!v, switch!river, fucking the police, johnny ment, oral (f receiving and very brief lol), missionary, mild angst with cavity-inducing sweetness at the end, river and v are very much in love, cuddles

wc: 9.2k

If you had told yourself you’d be spending the night with an NCPD badge a month ago, you woulda’ laughed in your very own fuckin’ face. But between those heated kisses and those soft, hushed whispers, River Ward leads you by the hand into the silence of his bedroom— and it all feels far too unreal. 

But the truth is, reality is a bitch. And now here you are, tangled in a contradiction of your own making. Guess you misunderstood the whole “FUCK THE POLICE” thing. 

He oughtta be chasing you down, not holding you close. But fuck, this whole situation with River is just so thrilling, and it’s absolutely undeniable that he’s more than just some badge. 

There’s kindness, there’s goodness in him that transcends that old, dumbass uniform he used to wear. Night City may be bleeding, and Johnny Silverhand may be a relentless presence in your head, but River offers something more—a promise of a future beyond the consistent chaos as he leads you into the quietness of the trailer. 

To be honest, you’re not sure if you’re entirely in love with River— sure, you’re attracted, and sure, your heart beats a million times faster when he’s around, and sure, you think about him all the fucking time, but shit, you don’t know love. But fuck, whether you deserve it or not, there’s just something about him, you don’t know what feels… safe. 

River represents something you’ve never really had: hope. The hope for a promise of an actual future— a real-ass life. Not just surviving but living— happily, at that. 

And for tonight, that’s enough.

Never before have you encountered someone as gentle, as fucking sweet as River. His kindness, his sincerity, it's like a lifeline amid chaos. But with each tender moment, each stolen kiss, you can't shake the gnawing feeling of guilt eating away at you. Oh, how you don’t want to feel this way, but here you are regardless, falling and falling for River, and allowing yourself to embrace the sensation of being vulnerable in more ways than one. And oh— is it such a bad time to catch feelings; your time on this earth is limited. 

You’re a merc, one with a ticking timebomb of a narcissistic rockerboy lodged into your head, just waiting to take over your body, waiting for you to finally kick the bucket so he can take control. You’re not exactly girlfriend material. You’re neither beautiful nor are you admirable. You are tired. You are bruised.

You're a mercenary, a killer by trade, and here you are, falling for a cop—a man dedicated to upholding the law you so often break.  

You know you should push River away, distance yourself before it's too late. But goddamn it, you can't bring yourself to do it. 

It’s almost funny, you think. Funny to have found a love oh-so-precious—oh-so beautiful, only to have it ripped away from you by a little piece of plastic nestled in your skull. River’s warmth, his unwavering support, it's all both a blessing and a curse. You desperately want to hold onto this love, to cherish every moment you have left, but the knowledge that your time is running out gnaws at your very soul. 

You sigh. Fuck, you know you can’t think about this now— you know it’s best to enjoy the moment rather than to trouble yourself with the moral implications of it all right now. You’ll destroy yourself otherwise. 

And little do you know, but River’s thoughts are mirroring your own. He's fucking scared, terrified of the way you've woven yourself into the fabric of his life. As a detective, he's seen the darkest corners of Night City, the horrors that lurk in the shadows. But when it comes to you, he's lost, unsure of how to navigate the maze of emotions that swirl within him.

You're the very embodiment of everything he's sworn to protect the city against. And yet, he can't help but fall for you. Behind the walls you've erected to shield yourself from the world, he sees the vulnerability, the genuine warmth that draws him to you like a moth to a flame. But there's a part of him that fears the truth, that fears what he might discover if he delves too deep into your world. And as you stand together in the silence of the night, wrapped in each other's arms, you can't help but wonder if this fragile bubble of happiness is destined to burst, leaving nothing but broken pieces in its wake.

The linoleum floor creaks beneath your steps as River leads you further, navigating the narrow hallway. Anxiety continues to brew within him—shit, he just hopes you like him back.

He hopes his choice is right. He hopes he made the right choice by bringing you around.

But all of the chaos, all the fear building within, completely evaporates away when his eyes finally meet yours, his anxiety dissipating into nothingness. Tonight, all he wants is for the two of you to be one, where nothing in the world matters. It makes everything else seem so distant and minuscule, and that, oh, it’s the closest thing to heaven that he’s ever known.

Nothin’ else matters—except for the moment.

River pauses at one of the entryways, silently gesturing to his niece and nephew, sleeping peacefully. You understand what he’s communicating to you immediately.

You two need to be quiet tonight.

Tonight is the perfect time to forget that you’re a mercenary and he’s a cop. No badges, no guns, no uniforms—and no parasitic rockstar in your head, either. Just you and him.

So you nod your head in acknowledgment as you ease past the kids and follow him into the silence of his bedroom. Your stomach flutters in your chest; oh, fuck, you feel like a couple of giddy-ass teenagers. 

You’re relentless, in all the right ways. Your desperation to feel River, to kiss him— it’s intoxicating. Once the door clicks shut, you immediately rise up on your tippy-toes with zero hesitation to press your lips against his; you could do nothing else. 

Fucking finally. 

One kiss, and you know you’re addicted to the taste of his lips on your own. You know then, that nothing else could give you such a natural high. You must confess, that your thoughts are impure, and the fire is burning within your bones. Shit, it excites you so much, just the idea of riding him absolutely senseless— you’re gonna fuck away his entire moral compass by the end of the night. 

It’s as your lips press together, with all the desire arousal, and heat you have to offer, a wave of cruel exhaustion washes over you as River embraces you, finally making its way to the forefront of your mind. His warmth almost feels like a blanket, of sorts, soft and comforting.

A soft pleased hum escapes River’s lips as he presses himself against you, moving his hands to grip the back of your head tightly, returning your kiss with the same raw passion. His arms are wrapped around your waist, his body pressing against yours— fuck, it feels so nice to be held by a body that feels like home. 

And for once, it's not Johnny who takes over your thoughts, but River. You need him—now. The heat of his lips on yours is fucking intense. It's like everything else in the city fades away, and for once, even Johnny’s presence is just a distant buzz in your mind.

And all there is, that's all that matters—River, you, and the rest warmth of his lips pressed against yours.

Your fingers claw at the fabric of his tank top, holding onto him tightly as you kiss him with every ounce of passion that’s been building up within you for entirely too long. You’ve wanted this—you’ve fucking needed this, needed to feel the warmth of another in a world so dauntingly cold. 

Every breath feels new, every sensation is amplified, and all you can focus on is River. River, River, River. He’s real, and you feel him like never before. He’s yours, and you’re his. 

Your breath is getting shorter, and your thoughts are being consumed with just one word: more. More, more, more. You need to feel his love. 

How good it feels to have something real. And fuck, is it nice to have something else on your mind except for your impending and unavoidable death. No Johnny, no Arasaka, no Relic. Just you. Just him. Just two desperate people wanting desperately to cling to the idea of feeling alive for just one night.

You practically moan into his mouth as you lean back, letting his strong, secure arms wrap around your body. You press your body up into his, craving his warmth, craving his presence, craving him. It’s like you’re slipping into a deep trance-like state, one where all that matters in this very instant is River, this one fucking detective, this one stupid badge. 

“River,” you whine quietly. “I need you.”

The words slip out before you even have time to stop them, the sound of them leaving your ears ringing. 

Fuck, does he feel like the luckiest person alive when you utter those little words, the sound of them barely audible against the city’s distant hum? For such a tough merc, you sound so cute—so needy, that it makes his heart jump in his chest. It’s such an unexpected, quick change for you, and you swear you catch his mechanical eye shining a little brighter as his rough hands graze against your hips. His body presses tightly against yours, lowering his voice to a whisper that makes your tummy flutter.  

“Shhh… I know ya do, V…” 

The words feel so foreign slipping from his lips, but god, he can’t help it.  River leans even closer to you until you can feel the warm breath of his body tingling inside your ear—his lips press up against your neck softly, trailing little wet kisses up and down the sensitive skin there. 

“Just let go…” 

River whispers again, moving his hand down your back and caressing the skin that he can feel through the thin fabric of your shirt. His lips flutter up and down along your neck, nibbling gently on your skin. Rough, calloused hands trace down your body, before pulling your hips to his so there’s no space between you. 

River’s voice turns deep; husky. 

“Just let go of everything but me…” 

After all, he’s done for the city, for the world, no one has ever wanted him in such a way that they wanted him, not just his title, his body, but the person behind the piercing glow of his mechanical eye. 

River’s ganic hand trails gingerly up and down your torso, his fingers playing gently with the fabric of your shirt as his lips press against your neck. The delicate sensation sends ripples of pleasure through your core— fuck— you’re getting wet. 

His words trigger an immediate response from you. Excitedly, you push back against him as you moan quietly in his ear, fingers digging into the fabric of his red tank top— breath halting in your chest, growing shorter and more agitated. You raise on your tippy toes, attempting to return the favor by kissing his neck. 

As you push yourself forward, pressing yourself against him, pushing a hand behind his neck, your fingers grip tight along the back of his neck. Slowly, you brace one hand on his chest, your thumb rubbing along the hard muscle that hides below his shirt, your other hand falling to fidget with the neckline of his tank.  

You can feel it— he’s muscular; he’s strong and hard. He’s aboutta be all yours, and the thought alone makes you feel weak, weak in the knees with how hot he is.

When you’re slipping your hands below his shirt to feel the skin beneath, River’s steadiness finally falters. Unknowingly, he backs up into his desk, causing an empty beer bottle to topple over— crashing to the floor in the silence of the trailer.

Fuck. 

For a brief moment, panic seizes over your entire being. Shit. Your heart pounds in your chest, shit, shit, shit— what if you woke everyone up with the crash? What if he’s upset with you for pulling such a gonk move, fuckin’ shoving him into his desk? What about the mess? 

You swear you’re doomed. 

But to your surprise, River's expression softens, a hint of amusement dancing in his mechanical stare. Was his amn fault for being so clumsy, anyway. 

When the warmth of his lips caress yours, you feel a deep wave of relief. Thank fuck— you think to yourself as you realize that your actions didn’t cause all hell to break loose. 

Instead, he’s too amused by your excitement, and that only serves to turn you on all the more. Hell— River finds it adorable how badly you want him. He can deal with the mess later. He’s too lost in you, too lost in the tide of passion to give a shit. Instead, his focus is entirely on you, and all rational thought is overshadowed. 

His hands find their way to either side of your face, his touch gentle yet possessive, as if he's determined to memorize every curve and contour of your face. River stops, an urgent whisper, his voice barely above a breathy murmur. 

“You've got me. Don't let go. Don't let this moment, this feeling—this feeling of you and me, don't let it end.”  

But before you can even process the full weight of River’s words, his lips crash into yours with a fervor that leaves you breathless. It’s like a tidal wave, consuming you with its intensity, and you find yourself melting into his embrace without hesitation. You’re safe. 

In turn, you respond eagerly, matching his passion with your own, hands roaming freely across his back, pulling him closer with every passing moment. River hums to himself when your smooth lips part upon the brush of his tongue against you— feeling just right. You feel a surge of electricity coursing through your veins, fueling that consuming lust that just keeps on burning brighter and hotter in your lower tummy. 

You guide his strong hands, urging him to explore every inch of your being, to revel in the depths of your desire as you surrender yourself completely to the intoxicating bliss of the moment. You need him. The feeling of his sends shivers down your spine, you realize that this—this connection, this unspoken bond—is what you've been searching for all along. In River's arms, you find solace. In his kiss, you find passion. And in that little bit of love between you, you find home.

Like you, River’s mind has started to go hazy, his body filled with heat as he pulls you in tighter, desperate to feel everything at once. 

The embrace of your lips turns heated, desperate, his teeth brushing against your bottom lip. Shit, he can’t believe you’re allowing him to touch you like this— he feels like the luckiest fucker in the world. The heat rising in his body is nothing short of intense, it feels so right. 

But he needs more. 

River pulls away to break the kiss, his gaze slides across your body, admiring you silently, taking note of every little curve, burning through you, silently admitting how lucky he is. Oh, how he never realized desire could be so engulfing until this moment, with you staring right up into his eyes with a vulnerability he cannot ignore. It makes him feel fuckin’ stupid— like he could live in this moment forever. 

His movements are slow and deliberate. It's enough to send your heart pumping, your chest heaving, your breath coming in short gasps. When you meet his steely gaze, it feels like his mechanical eye is bearing into your soul. 

River moves a palm up to cup your cheek lovingly, before nodding his head in the direction of his bed— a silent command. You immediately know what he’s attempting to communicate. You know what comes next. 

And you’re just dying to see it through. 

A little rush of pure excitement overtakes you as you rush to the bed, while River turns around for a brief moment. Without a second thought, without any semblance of hesitation, you’re immediately beginning to fumble with the straps of your gear, allowing it to fall all to the ground. Every movement of yours feels like a wave of electric pulsing through your body, a rush of adrenaline that leaves you panting— leaving your mind blurry with need. 

While he’s got his back turned, you rip off your sweats, letting them fall to the ground. Immediately after, you’re ripping off the thin tank you’re wearing, slipping your bra right off with it, fully exposing your bare chest to the coolness of the night air. A little excited shiver runs down your spine, your nipples perking up and stiffening as a result of the temperature drop. 

And before you know it, you’re almost naked— wearing nothing but a soaked, think pair of panties, wanting him, needing to have him—not Johnny, but River, just River…

You catch the soft mechanical glow of his eye in the mirror on the closet door. For a brief moment, your breath catches in your throat. 

The glow in the reflection dims as he stares. Your heart beats so fast you feel dizzy from the rush. You know he’s watching you just as you’re watching him. And without saying a word, you both know what you want— he finally turns around. 

Fuck—you, the most dangerous mercenary in the whole fuckin’ city, is laying before this dumbass detective, wearing nothing but your panties. And oh, you’re so helplessly wet over some cop to the point where you can already feel the moisture soaking through them. You can’t control yourself, you can’t control the way your fingers keep on trailing lower, beginning to push away the dampened strip of fabric in between your legs. 

A breath breaks from your mouth as you toss your panties aside. It’s sudden, a bit of a surprise even. But you’re done wasting time. The air feels cold on your exposed cunt, but fuck, you don’t care—besides, the heat he’s making you feel is enough to keep ya’ warm. 

Gently, your lips tremble with each passing moment... your body is fuckin’ craving him more and more with every moment that passes with him staring directly at your messy pussy. You can’t take it. You allow yourself to be completely vulnerable, your arms trailing behind you as he draws near. Your eyes flutter as you anticipate him being near, letting him take you completely... letting him take you in.

River’s eyes are locked onto your body— he’s in shock. Fuck. Jesus Christ, every second you’re up looking at him with pathetic, needy eyes makes his cock tremble in his pants. Both of River’s eyes, amber and mechanical pierce through you, just craving you in ways he's never craved fuckin’ anyone. And oh, you love the euphoric burning feeling that rises in your tummy when you feel him stare. A little blush settles across your face, you feel some wetness slide down from your aching cunt. You arch your back a little as River approaches you. 

Fuck. You can’t wait. You reach out, pulling your fingers tight around his hips as you pull him down to the bed with you. You can't wait another second to be with him and you pull him down with you on the bed. Before he can even process what’s happening, you’re beginning to lift his tanktop, and by Christ, you’re not disappointed when you finally reveal what’s underneath. 

You’re not religious, but in the darkness of his bedroom, you’ve found something holy. Immediately, your eyes trail down, taking note of every little freckle and scar that litters his tan skin. Fuck— he’s perfect. You press your lips against his chest, trailing little wet kisses down his body... each kiss burning into both of you, each kiss driving you both that much closer to desperation. You’re unaware of the self-restraint he's exercising to keep himself from pushing you onto the bed and just fucking you right then and there. River’s working every ounce of self-control he has as you trail your lips down his chest, letting each kiss linger just enough to tease him. 

In the dark room, you worship him with your touch, with a love that’s so undoubtedly wrong. 

Your eyes drift up to his, and it’s over for you both. Gently, you slide your hands slooowly down River’s torso, making him squirm as your hand trails lower and lower, fingers beginning to move to slowly undo his pants. And fuck, It takes him every little bit of lasting resistance and strength he has to let you touch without intervening. 

But shit— you aren’t gonna let River off that easy, no fucking way. You’re gonna fuckin’ savor this—every second of it all. Your lips trail down his clothed thigh with a subtle grin, wrapping your fingers around the waistband of his boxers, slowly pulling them down inch by inch. He wants you to pull them off immediately but you're going slow, savoring every little cute expression he’s pulling, savoring the way he bites into his lip, hard. 

 River’s getting more and more frustrated by the second but damn you're just enjoying the thrill of it all, watching your most favorite detective bend to your whims like an obedient, well-trained dog. You're teasing him and savoring each and every second of it, every little moment of him letting out pathetic heavy sighs, every moment of his cock straining against the fabric of his jeans. 

But you’re growing impatient. 

You begin to tug at his waistband, attempting to pull his jeans down his thighs with a not-so-secret smug-ass grin. You’ve got him wrapped around your fuckin’ finger, you feel confident—you’re gonna fuck the badge outta him— you’re gonna ride him till the goddamn sun rises. 

But when his cock springs free from the confines of his pants, your ego is absolutely fucking wiped. He’s fucking huge. 

Prominent veins run up the side of the thick shaft throbbing with pure anticipation. Your eyes trail up to the leaky, swollen tip where little beads of precum threaten to spill. Pure perfection. Everything about your actions up until now has been so confident and so sure, so controlled and so certain you could handle anything. But now that he's here— that he's out, free, and soooo clearly ready for you — you feel an intense wave of doubt. 

You're the best, most badass fuckin’ merc in all of Night City—and yet here you are, with his dick in front of your face and you're speechless. River’s enjoying how you're staring at him, your eyes fixated on his shaft. Secretly, he loves the brief sense of control this is giving him, even with you on top. Fuck, it does good for his ego. 

By Christ— he finds your reaction to his size nothing short of fucking adorable. River gives a sharp inhale through his teeth and his lips curve into a mischievous smile, his ego swelling with the realization that he's a lot more than you expected...and he loves it. He knows all the right words to say, all the right tones to take, and he knows exactly how to play with you, right down to the way you're staring at him. 

Nonetheless, you set your thoughts aside as you mount the detective’s strong bronze thighs, his eyes locking onto yours.

You briefly question your safety as you tenderly wrap your fingers around the base of his thick shaft, feeling him jolt beneath you. 

But it's okay. You've got this. You can do this. You take a deep breath and try to ignore the size, your hands still stroking him gently, your touch sending shivers of anticipation up and down his body…

His hand wraps around your thigh in silent reassurance, a giant grasp that feels like it was molded entirely for you to fit perfectly into it; and the other falls to your hip, slowly tracing a path across your bare skin. The little gesture sends you fucking wild. River needs you to be comfortable. 

You press the tip of his cock against your dripping entrance, a little shiver runs through you when River stifles a groan underneath. 

This all feels so right, this all feels so real, and River wants you to know that. He wants to take all of your fears and worries away, to show you that he's got you, and he's here for you. And when you take your first tentative slide onto him, the tip entering you, River’s jaw hangs agape, a little squeak leaving your lips as the thick head enters you. 

You both recognize the need to be silent, and so for now the only sounds in the room are the soft moans and subtle whimpers coming from River's mouth as he's pressed against you...as you're pressed against him, two bodies entwined, one in the other. Nothing else exists at this very moment but this feeling... the intense, overwhelming feeling of his heavy cock throbbing inside of your tight walls. And oh, does the thought of making this dumbass detective whimper and struggle beneath you motivate you all the more. 

When you finally sink down, filling yourself to the brim, a cute little gasp! is forced from your parted saliva-coated lips. River’s stretching you out so so nicely— it’s a sweet type of burn. You dig your teeth into your bottom lip hard, biting back a pathetic moan as your eyes scrunch shut.

 A low growl escapes River’s lips as you suddenly take him whole in one go. 

Your wet walls constrict and clench around him, your achy, needy clit pressing against his groin. Oh fuck, it’s hard for him not to start moving his hips, to just start thrusting into your pathetic mess of a pussy without mercy. But no, he’s waiting for you, waiting for you to guide the speed. This is your night, it’s River’s chance to show how much he fuckin’ adores you. 

He's big— and you know you need to take it slow at first. But fuck, you’re not gonna stop, not now, not ever, not when he’s looking up at you like you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes upon— it’s sending little waves of euphoric bliss throughout your entire body.  

River watches you take another deep breath before you begin to raise your hips again, pumping yourself full despite the stretch. 

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. You continue this rhythm slowly, taking your own sweet time to thoroughly feel each inch of his sweet cock rubbing against your soaked walls. 

In, out. In, out. You continue this rhythm. 

You work through that burn— you work through the pain of the stretch. Take your own sweet time, inhaling, exhaling, breathing in between each movement, each wave of pleasure that ripples through your body with each bounce. Soon, you no longer feel the pain that comes with each slide down; you’ve melded to the shape of his cock. 

Shit, he underestimated you. 

River’s breathing heavily now, huffing and biting into his lip—as he takes his time, taking care of you. And the moment he finds your rhythm, he won't be letting up even for a second, he’s gonna make you suffer just the damn same. 

But when you begin to speed up your pace, suddenly slamming your hips down into him, you’ve got him locked. 

Then and there, River swears he’s in fucking heaven.

You’re so tight— so fucking soft… so fucking heavenly, that he can’t do anything except look up at you and purely just admire as you struggle to take him—as he himself struggles to keep up with the pace of your hips. 

River’s pussywhipped already, turning his head to the side to hide the adorable little faces he’s pulling. 

But fuck, you’re not gonna let that happen. 

“Look at me,” you whisper into the silence of the night. You force his jaw upwards, wrapping your hands around his throat. “Only me, Riv.”

River’s caught off guard by your sudden display of dominance; but oh, how he loves it regardless. ‘Looks like his little mercenary finally gained the courage to take control,’ he thinks to himself. 

You catch a little mischievous glimmer in his mechanical eye, shining into the darkness. He’s enjoying this, you can tell. 

You stare into his gaze for just a brief moment; almost mesmerized, before suddenly pulling his face to yours and kissing him fiercely, your tongue slipping into his mouth. 

River’s strong grip on your thigh releases as his body begins to tremble underneath you; it all just feels too fucking good. It’s all too too much, the intensity of your hips rocking back and forth, the way you’re squeezing him and bouncing on his dick like it’s nothing compared to before. 

He knows you’re a merc, knows you’re a tough girl. You’re V— you don’t take shit from anyone, you take the reigns no matter what; he shoulda’ expected this from you. But oh, how he loves being bested by his lil’ merc. 

River’s eyes roll back as he holds you tightly to him, his hands moving up to your lower back and supporting you, he’s lost all self-control, and can’t stop what's about to happen as his breath grows heavier, lips parting. You’re fucking wet, clenching so so tight around him—he can’t help the groan that juuusst barely escapes his lips…

But luckily for you, you cover his mouth just in time, your body still moving with such intensity.  You're taking total control here, not letting him make a sound. You cover his mouth before he has the chance to protest, silencing him in an almost aggressive, dominating way, your breath hot against his lips.

At this moment, the detective is yours. Every muscle in his body belongs to you and every beat of his heart is for you. River is yours, he needs you, and when you cover his mouth, you can feel the rush going through his throat as it contracts with an effort to muffle any sound he might unintentionally let slip as your hips refuse to relent. 

The feeling of control that you've been so desperately seeking is finally yours, all yours, your hands are on the wheel— and you’re the one sending this poor fucker into a tailspin of pleasure and lust. River feels so much better than you possibly could’ve imagined, and shit, you’ve finally accomplished your goal to fuck him senseless, leaving him a complete and utter mess in your control — a mess that feels so good, as you keep pumping against him, feeling him inside you.

Every movement you make is met with his equally intense counter-response, his cock beginning to throb. Fuck. He’s close. 

But River’s not going to let you get ahead of him— nuh-fucking-uh. He’s had enough of your teasing; he can’t take it anymore— he’s not about to let himself cum before you, not when there’s so much fun still left to be had. He’ll drive himself to the edge— and he’ll take you with him. 

Strong hands take hold of your hips, hammering his hips into your sweet, messy cunt at the pace he desires. Just like that, all the control in your hands, all that dominance, and power beforehand, is gone in an instant. 

He wants to let you ride him, he really does. Wants to let you take control— but fuck, it’s not enough. He needs more, not just to ride, but to have you in his arms, and in return, you let him take control and show you exactly how he feels for you. 

And so you give up your control, giving up your dominance, allowing River to manhandle you into position, guiding you to the edge of the bed. Your breath catches in your chest as River trails his lips down to your collarbone and slowly reaches down to latch onto your nipple. You dig your teeth into your lip as he suckles at it tenderly, keeping your reaction a secret as you try to keep it together. Inside of you, you feel your tummy flutter with adrenaline as your heart rate picks up.

He knows you’re enjoying this, but oh, he’s got other plans for you. 

With strong yet gentle hands, he’s hoisting you up into his arms. His amber eye meets yours, and he’s gazing at you like you’re the most precious thing in the whole world. He lifts you, and you let yourself go limp in his hold— you know you’re safe, after all. 

You bury your head into his neck, pressing tight against him as you cling like your life depends on it. Everything feels so good when you’re in River’s arms when he loosens his grip to trail a path of wet kisses down the center of your chest. The way he feels so warm and safe makes you feel like the whole world isn’t crumbling down on you— instead, it feels like you can finally rest. 

Honestly, it’s just entirely him that makes you feel this way. He’s a stark contrast to any of your past lovers; a genuine shining light in a world so filled to the brim with darkness, a genuine positive change compared to the ways apparent in all of your exes.

Shit, you know Johnny’s gonna hate you even more for this, but you know you love this— you love River. 

Before you can think about it for any longer than you already have, he’s cutting your thoughts short to pull you to your feet, pinning you against the cool glass of his bedroom window. 

Fuck, you’re adorable to him. River just can’t help but slide his palms up against your soft skin, all the way up to cup at your titties, cupping them softly in each hand.

You let out a sharp gasp as he slips in, a deep inhale following quickly after— his hips pressing into your ass. You feel the heat of his breath against your neck as you cling to the cool glass of the window. You want him close, you want to feel him all against you. Your thoughts fill with nothing but him, and his cock begins to roll into you again, forcing a pathetic little squeak out of you. 

But there’s a sudden thought that pops into your head— shit, what if someone sees this, sees you, pressed against the window, getting your insides rearranged like there’s no tomorrow? Fuck.  

Shit, you feel more vulnerable than ever with River pressing himself into you, hands locked around your waist, his breath hot and heavy in your ear as he drives himself deeper into your sopping cunt. Him, the detective, fucking the brains outta’ a dangerous lil’ merc like you. Shit, it’s so thrilling that the thoughts in your head disappear entirely, and you're completely overcome with the sensation of his thick member moving in and out of you.

God damn. Your breath becomes shallow and your chest is rising and falling with every hard press of his hips into your ass. You're literally pressed against the glass with your face to the window, your eyes beginning to close. 

Even though your brain screams for common sense, your body craves otherwise. 

Oh god, you love this. Fuck your common sense. Fuck whatever Johnny has to say about it— you’ll deal with him later. 

You feel like you're falling into a trance, drowning in pleasure. Every thrust fills you with more and more heat and waves of pleasure, overwhelming your body and leaving you feeling like you're drifting away into nothingness.

Your vision blurs and the sounds slowly fade into the background. River is everything, your entire world, and right now the only thing you can concentrate on is his body and how good he makes you feel— he’s stretching out your cunt fucking delightfully. It feels like you're drowning in pleasure and you love it, absolutely love this feeling of complete submission to him. Normally, you’d fucking never let somebody, anybody, do this to you. 

But River Ward is the exception. 

You love the feeling of his breath on your neck, the soft, warm comfort it gives you, like a blanket wrapping itself against you. Your body relaxes as he gently moves his hands along your ribs, his gentle touch sending a shiver of excitement down your body. Then you hear his voice, a whisper that makes your toes curl with the touch. 

River’s attention is set on suppressing his little groans of pleasure by lowering his head to your shoulder, biting down gently. Shit, you’re almost too much to handle, he notes your breathlessness and sense of being soo overwhelmed- he can tell you’re ready for anything and everything from this moment on. Your walls constrict tightly around him, arousal fluids spilling from your hole with each mean thrust. 

Your breath is heavy and unfocused. River’s touch is perfectly balanced between soft and rough, squeezing your waist as his other hand digs into your breast, hips still deliciously rolling into you, still deliciously fucking you. 

You can't even remember the last time you've felt this.. good. 

Despite the burn of the stretch of his cock, you steady your legs back, rocking your ass back against him to match the pace of his thrusts. 

River’s eyes shoot open when he feels your tight cunt starting to move up and down his length again, this time without his influence. Both his intimidating gaze and his large hands immediately fall to the fat of your ass as a groan rips out from his throat. 

He’s just enjoying the show as his pretty needy little merc attempts to get herself off. It’s cute— pathetic, the way you take him whole, the way you’re desperate for more.  

You feel the cool press of his metal hand against the back of your neck, using you as leverage to pump his hot cock in and out.  

Your lips curl against the force of your teeth, the heat of your breath fogging against the glass, legs beginning to violently shake under the weight of his thrusts. 

Both hands move to grab your plush thighs with a tight grip, your breathless sighs and tight cunt squeezing around him let him know just how much you really need him. 

You wanna moan. You wanna whine out his name, you wanna beg for more— but you can't. Not this time. So, you bite into your lip hard, your open palms set on the glass of the window briefly curling into fists. Instead of submitting to yourself, you focus on the brightness of neon lights and towering buildings right before your eyes, you focus on the way his hands dig into the soft flesh of your hips, driving deep inside. 

But it’s all too much for you. 

"Fuck, V, you're good…” His voice is hot as it trails down your neck and along your jawline. Gentle hands begin to trail down your thighs, fingers tracing along your skin. Oh, it’s heavenly. 

River’s eyes open when he doesn’t hear you respond past weak, breathy little sighs. A teasing remark sits on his tongue, his lips curling into a smirk, but his throat goes parched the moment his eyes trail all the way down to where his large, swollen cock disappeared in and out of you, just stretching you oh-so-well. 

You look utterly and completely debauched in the reflection of the glass, eyes closed, cheek pressed up against the window, your mouth slightly agape, lips reddened and bruised from rough kisses. River finds the way your chest heaves and the way you let out broken whines oh-so-adorable, as his eyes trail down to the plethora of lovebites and hickies left strewn across your chest. At this point, you’re far too fucked-out to think. 

Before you can even process what’s going on, River’s slipping himself out of you, making you let out a soft, yet audible little defeated whine. “Hey, hey…” Big arms lock around your waist, pulling you gently down onto the soft mattress below.  “Stay with me, V…” 

His voice is hot and hoarse right now— but fuck, you’d be damned if you didn’t find him to be so fuckin’ sweet— so fuckin’ adorable in the way he talks dirty to you— so damn possessive, yet so soft and tender at the same time. The sweet burn of lust ignites deeper within your stomach as you refuse to lose sight of his gaze. You nod your head; you follow his orders obediently. The feeling of being vulnerable like this for him feels so... right, so natural. 

When your glassy eyes flicker up to meet his stare, his heart flutters a little in his chest. You look so so desperate, it’s beautiful. 

River swears he’s truly gone feral. It’s all too much— your cute little face, your quiet whimpers, wet pathetic pussy so in need of being fucking destroyed… god. He can’t handle it anymore. 

He drops to his knees on the bed— it feels natural, it feels right. Your breath halts a little in your chest, your pulse quickening when the detective begins to lower his head in between your thighs. 

The world around you spins as your cunt squeezes around nothing. His rough fingertips grace over your clit, and you can’t hold back the little moan that escapes your lips. But he’s focused on something different— his cybernetic eyes are locked onto your cunt— your folds are soaked, your arousal coating your inner thighs in little tendrils.

“Wan’it?��� 

You nod again. Like an obedient dog. 

River grins, mechanical eye gleaming in the darkness mischievously as his metal hand helps his cock press against your entrance. Something about his gravelly words made your cunt clench around nothing, making you drip onto his sheets below. His tip brushes against your sensitive sloppy folds, before he nudges your clit with his cockhead, drawing out the cutest little gasp from your lips. River chuckles at your reaction— fuck, you’re goddamn adorable. He uses his free ganic hand to caress your cheek, looking down at you like you’re the most precious thing he’s ever seen. 

The feeling of his palm pressed against you is soothing, comforting even. You nuzzle into his touch instinctively. 

It’s all a sweet, tender moment before River begins folding your legs up to your shoulders. You don’t have a second to think back on it before his thighs spread wider beneath you, the girth of his large cock sliding in deep, pressing thickly against your fluttering walls. 

Fuck. You almost lose yourself, then— lips falling agape, nails biting into the curvature of his bicep as his hips press flush with your own. You want to moan. You wanna cry out— so so fucking bad. 

But you know you can’t. 

Shit, River swears he could bust on the spot from the way you pathetically look at him, pupils blown and watery, eyes halfway shut. “Awh,” he whispers near silently before he braces himself and pulling your hips up to his waist, leaving your back arched gorgeously. You feel completely full again. 

His hips are finally still, giving you both a moment to recuperate. This time around, your cunt clenches down extra tight, your body seeming extra sensitive. He can read your reactions like a book— and he’s enjoying every little cute reaction he’s pulling out of you. 

River hums to himself, before straightening back again. He pulls out all the way— till just his aching tip is left throbbing inside of you. 

And all you can do is watch when he rocks back in and out again and again as if testing how deep he’s claimed his pretty little killer.  

But with a muddled mind and blurry eyes, you’re more focused on how he’s moving, the way his body moves back and forth inside you, claiming you. Your instincts kick in as this strong man overpowers you and takes control of you most dangerously, but you accept it all. Just the feeling of his hands on your hips, his touch all over you as you look at him...fuck, you feel complete. You’re a dangerous merc in her prime, and yet here you are, fucked absolutely dumb by River Ward. Fuck, old man’s got some goddamn stamina, it’s impressive. 

But secretly, he’s not sure if he can take it anymore— the pace of his hips falter for a second. Fuckkkkk. He grasps onto the meat of your thighs, his hips beginning to falter, slow down; his thighs beginning to tremble.

The overstimulation that comes with dragging his cock in and out of your tight pussy might just be the catalyst for him. He uses his remaining strength to hold himself deep inside of his lil’ merc, relishing the way you dig your nails into the curve of his bicep as he fucks into you steadfastly. 

Now, it's you who's not sure if you can take it anymore. You can feel his hips slowing down, his grip on you faltering as he struggles to pull himself together. Your nails dig into his arms, digging deeper each time you feel that familiar feeling building up within you. Your thighs start trembling as your entire body is quaking underneath his...it's about to be all over for you.

You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to control yourself like he had when you were trying to lure him deeper into you, but the build-up of pressure inside of you is too much to contain...it's beginning to spill over as the tension between you two builds up even higher. Your eyes continue to flutter with each slide in, and you’re panting at the burning euphoric release beginning to bubble in your chest. It’s all too much for you— far too much. 

River’s dick knocks against your plushy walls over and over again, making your breaths ragged and short, making you spew out little high-pitched hoarse sighs as he claims you as his own after waiting for sooo long. 

Every thrust inside of you has you trembling, panting, trembling again—your body can't take this anymore, the build-up is beginning to turn into a burst within you. You close your eyes, squeezing them shut tightly as this burning euphoric release inside of you is simply too much....too much for you to handle. Your entire body feels like it's boiling over, the pressure inside of you reaching an all-time high. 

The pressure building up in your tummy is too much to handle. You’ve resisted your orgasm, you’ve fought it, but suddenly the need for release becomes too difficult to hold back. Your body jolts up and you press your chest against him as you release, panting and whimpering as the pressure inside you is finally releasing. Finally, you cum, coating River’s cock in a ring of opaque white liquid. 

The feeling of relief spreads through your entire body as you release, feeling your body tense and shudder with your inner pleasure flowing out of you as you moan out his name and you feel his grip tightening the harder that you bite into his arm, holding back from saying anymore even though you know you can’t keep it in anymore. Your lips quiver with anticipation as you feel the build-up of pleasure rise inside of you, and it’s so hard not to just explode but you hold back as he thrusts faster inside you.

His hands are shaky under the weight of your trembling thighs, underneath the weight of your explosive climax. His thrusts slow down to a halt, both his mechanical and ganic hands gripping your waist tight. 

Deliberately, he slides himself all the way out, making you feel every inch of his cock down to the last vein, before slamming himself back inside one last time. 

No longer can he stand the feeling of holding back— he needs to cum. 

Every pump of his hips is accompanied by a short shudder and an exhale of your name as he’s losing himself to you, to the grip and clutch of your nails digging deeper into his arms. You know he’s close. And oh, is every little sign of his oncoming orgasm so so heavenly— the way his cock noticeably throbs within your constricting, gummy, tight walls—  the way he’s allowing the occasional whimper to slip from his parted lips.

Your entire body’s trembling and quaking as he pulls away from you, both in the act of withdrawal and the satisfaction of fulfilling what he’s sought after for so long now. You’re breathless from his touch, quivering in your body, your eyes unable to focus on anything but the sight of him biting his lip…he's so so close to cumming— it’s all so damn delicious. 

His mechanical hand presses into your thigh, the heat of his grip burning deep against your skin as he strokes his length, his breath shallow as he looks down at you, his eyes focused. River’s metal hand grips meanly into your thigh as his ganic’ one strokes his length, biting down hard into his lip to suppress himself.  

Instead of gazing back into his eyes, you’re gazing down at his glistening dick as he finally cums— the liquid is thick, warm, and milky, all splattering onto your lower stomach. 

The feel of his release all over you leaves you gasping as reality sets in. Once the heat disappears and the sensation finally dies down, you’re left with a whole new wave of emotions that you haven’t ever experienced before. Your body is still shaking from the release, and his breath is heavy as he looks down at you. You two are a mess. 

River lays down there next to you, panting heavily as he stares over at you. His breathing is quick and heavy, and he's completely out of breath from the entire night, but he's smiling slightly, a look in his eyes that seems almost...relieved and content. You can’t help but to just admire how fuckin’ adorable he is before he reaches over to brush your hair aside, wiping the sweat from your forehead. 

River’s soft with you— in your line of work, there’s no room for this much tenderness. You melt underneath his touch, a satisfied little sigh escaping you as your eyes flutter shut. You’re finally feeling comfortable enough to relax with him, to let your guard down and allow yourself to be a little soft with him. You feel at ease with him— finally at peace with not having to constantly be on high alert. You can relax.

But River’s all too aware of the mess he’s left you with. Gently, he lowers himself to you, softly murmuring in your ear. 

 “Just one sec, V… gotta get you cleaned up.”

As he stands, you're left helpless and vulnerable. The warmth of his touch is gone, replaced by a chill that leaves you feeling a little empty. Rivers' footsteps echo in the silent space between you as you lie there, alone in your thoughts.

The intimacy between the two of you may have faded, but the lingering after-effects remain. Your body is still trembling from the release, and your mind is clouded with the remnants of ecstasy. You’re left feeling vulnerable and exposed. A mess. 

As River's footsteps echo through the room, you feel helpless and weak. Your body has been taken by him, and you’re left behind. To be cleaned up. You're his.

When he returns, he has a soft, warm towel in one hand, and one of his tanktops in the other. He places the tank top down on the bed right next to you. River's hand reaches out and starts to gently wipe down your body with the cloth, working to clean up the mess left behind. His touch is gentle, tender, and caring. You appreciate his efforts to clean up the mess he's left you with.

You feel like a mess, his mess. His hands are gentle and meticulous as he cleans you up, his touch different from the rough grip you felt during the night. His soft touch is comforting, reassuring, and so at odds with the intensity of the night. Yet, at the same time, it shows the other side of the intense man you know so well. The delicate one, hidden from the world.

He’s not squeezing or gripping tightly— just gently wiping you down, making sure not to squeeze too hard as he does his best to get you clean. His touch is tender he begins wiping you down, making sure to avoid the more sensitive areas like your inner thighs, and before making his way up with the soft cloth. 

You feel yourself close to slipping away into a deep sleep, only for his warm voice to pull you back into the present.

“Hey…V,” River murmurs softly. “Got a shirt for you…” He’s grinning as he holds up a crumpled-up tank top he had set aside earlier— a small grin forming around your lips as you see the words “FUCK THE POLICE” printed across the front.

”Figured you’d like it…” he chuckles faintly, holding it up for you to take.

Despite your exhaustion, a little giggle leaves your lips at the sight of the printing on the front. Fuck, he’s adorable. River’s smile is contagious, filling you with a type of fondness you haven’t experienced in a long goddamn time. You graciously accept the shirt, sliding it over your head, a soft sigh escaping you as it settles over your frame. The fabric is soft, and it keeps you covered from the coolness of the night air. It’s a little big on you, but you like it that way— it’s comfy, and you’re beyond grateful for the little gesture. 

River slides into bed next to you, remaining silent as he watches settle. His eyes wander up and down your body, appreciating the way the fabric of his shirt hangs loosely around your frame. He likes the look, and it’s cute. It’s not something he’s used to, but the sight of you like this— it’s endearing to him.

You can feel the exhaustion creeping in, settling into your bones after the long day's events. As he watches you settle in, you can sense his silent appreciation and affection, his gaze tracing the lines of your body with a softness you haven't often encountered.

"Thanks for tonight," River murmurs, his voice filled with gratitude and a hint of weariness as a yawn interrupts his words. He briefly presses a little kiss to your forehead, before rolling over. "Goodnight, V."

His words linger in the air, carrying a sense of appreciation and tenderness that touches your heart. With a soft smile, you reply, "Goodnight, River…" before snuggling closer to him, seeking his warmth as the chill of the night settles in around you.

The two of you lay there, entangled in the silence of your first night together. All you can hear is the sound of his breath against your throat, the silent rustle of his sheets, and the faint thrum of his heart. You feel so safe, so warm, so loved in his arms. River radiates a sense of peace within you, one that you hadn't felt on your own. And with him comes a feeling of protection, a feeling of belonging.

[venerawrites]

Can I request Naruto with a single mama? Her little 1 yr old is a little unsure at first but comes to ADORE Naruto. Please and thank you!

Author's note: I am finishing my written assignments for uni this and next week, so I'm being extra slow with the requests, for which I am sorry :( Anyway, this request was super cute and I loved writing it! Hope you enjoy and thank you for requesting!

Becoming a war hero almost overnight sounds like a dream come true for every shinobi. All the years of pain, sweat and blood finally being recognised and appreciated by the people was something that rarely happened through history, and even when it did, most of the time it didn't last long.

But Naruto was no ordinary war hero - he was once the most hated person in Konoha, who despite everything remained loyal to his village and his friends. Filled with hope and ambition for the future, he proved himself as an excellent shinobi and most importantly, a good potential leader. So when Kakashi gave up his position as the Hokage, there was no question about who should be his successor.

Everything in his life fell into place pretty quickly after that - he bought a house, he started volunteering at the academy and the hospital during weekends, and also became the best man to Shikamaru and Temari's wedding. The boy that was once called a "freak" was now the "man of progress" - a symbol of prosperity and inspiration to many children across the Land of Fire. Tales and songs were already written in his name, and to him, it still felt unreal.

With fame came also attention. In the beginning, he loved it. Having women competing for his affection was fun and also very new for him - never has anyone asked him out on a date or given him gifts before. It did stroke his ego and for the first months after he became a Hokage, he entertained such advances. After all he was a single man, so why not? Perhaps one of these women would one day turn out to be the one.

Days became months, months became years and soon he found that almost all of his friends were either married or engaged. So far it never bothered him, but after Sakura and Sasuke came back carrying a child in their arms, he started to seriously think about what he wanted.

Years ago, if anyone has asked him what he seeks in a partner, his answer would've easily been his teammate. But since then a lot has changed, including him. He was more mature and level-headed now, and looking back, he realised what he felt toward the pink-haired kunoichi was not real love, but rather a childish crush. She was his best friend and he had deep respect for her, but even he realised how incompatible their personalities were and how his teenage self had an unrealistic idea of who she actually is.

Naruto was the definition of fire. He often acted based on his emotions and while he was better at self-control than he was before, there were still moments when he slipped up and let his inner thoughts take over his rationality. The last thing he needed was someone who had the same burning soul. Quite the opposite - he yearned for calmness. His heart needed to be both loved and protected by someone who can balance him.

This realisation felt heavier with each day. To have someone by his side soon became a mirage - no matter how often he attempted to give a chance to someone, the spark was just never there. All these women looked differently and talked differently, but ultimately they all gave him the same feeling - emptiness.

"Everything comes with time", Kakashi said to him, when he noticed him sitting by himself at Ino and Sai's wedding. The blonde man just smiled, weakly nodding at his sensei, not having the energy to oppose him. At this point, he wanted nothing more than to just finish his drink and head home to rest for the early morning meeting he had the next day.

Like almost everything in his life, however, this didn't go to plan. He was just about to stand up from his place, when his eyes locked with yours across the room. "She is definitely not from here", he thought, as you directed a small smile at him, lifting your glass in the air, before returning your attention to Ino, who was eagerly explaining her honeymoon plans to you. Naruto assumed you were not a shinobi as well, as he was sure he would've remembered you if he had encountered you in the past.

Before he can think about what he was doing, he was already walking toward the table where you and the bride were sitting. Pulling the chair next to Ino and opposite you, he slumped on it, his eyes dancing between you two.

"Can I join you, ladies?", he asked, despite the fact he already had. You both nodded and he grinned in response, before turning toward Ino and laying his hand on her shoulder:

"Congratulations on your marriage, Ino! Sai is a lucky guy!"

"You bet he is!", she laughed, nudging you with her elbow. Expecting such a response from her, you only rolled your eyes, shaking your head with a small smile. There was no room for disagreement, however - while Ino had quite a personality, she was one of the most kind and sincere people you have ever met. No wonder you became friends so quickly after she was sent to a mission in your village and you preserved that friendship despite the distance and all the years that have passed.

"Oh!", the bride suddenly exclaimed, grabbing your hand and almost shoving it into the blonde man’s face, "Naruto, this is Y/N. She has been my friend for... How many? Almost 10 years now! She is originally from the Curtain Village, but has been travelling for a while now."

"The Curtain Village? Isn't that the capital of Land of Silence?"

"It is", you confirmed, shaking his hand once he put it in yours. Noticing the slight furrow of his brows, you were quick to add with a smirk: "I am not a criminal that is here to blow up a wedding, if that is what you are thinking."

Letting out a scoff, Naruto looked a few times between you and Ino, before laughing nervously. He still hadn't let go of you, continuing to shake your arm up and down.

"What? I-you... I didn't-", he stammered, looking over to the bride for help. It was true a very brief thought of suspicion flashed through his mind hearing where you were from, but how can anyone blame him? The Land of Silence was a country of lawlessness, full with criminals and terrorist, all of them sharing the same hatred for Five Great Shinobi.

"Oh, don't listen to her, she is joking!", Ino laughed, before turning toward you and gently slapping you on the shoulder. Her eyes moved to the middle of the table, above which the Hokage was still holding your hand, his whole face flushed bright red. The minute of silence must have caught the man's attention, because soon after he let go of you, moving his fingers behind his body and nervously scratching his neck.

"Not weird at all", your friend muttered, before turning toward you, "Y/N, this is Naruto! A childhood friend, a war hero, the current Hokage... and also a man who does not know how to act like a normal human being in front of a beautiful woman."

He immediately opened his mouth to protest but was stopped the second your laugh reached his ears. This has to be the most melodic and beautiful sound he has ever heard. Too lost admiring it, he didn't pay any attention to Ino, who excused herself, giving you both a knowing look. He noticed only a few minutes later your shared friend is missing and he mentally cursed himself of how he was behaving. His teenage years were long gone, why couldn't he compose himself like the grown man he is?

"So, Hokage...", the title sounded almost seductive from your lips, "What was a man of such importance doing by himself at the bar? One would think you would be the centre of attention tonight. After the bride and groom, of course."

The tone of your voice combined with the sparkle in your eyes was enough for him to be able to barely keep focus on what you were actually saying. Squirming in his seat, he nervously laughed, wondering for how long were you watching him before he approached you. He must have looked like a complete fool sitting by himself ordering glass after glass and only occasionally being spoken to by the passing guests. Definitely not the impression he wanted to leave.

"I just... needed some time away from people. I didn't know Ino and Sai had THAT many friends", his words made you laugh and he instantly beamed at the sound, happy he was the one causing it.

"What about you? You here with someone?"

The slight nod of your head made his heart drop to his stomach and the corners of his mouth moved downward into a frown. Was it surprising? You were a beautiful woman after all, of course the chances for you to be taken were high. He sure as hell was disappointed though. A tiny part of him was hoping that you were here by yourself and that maybe, just maybe, he would have the chance to get to know you more.

Seeing the way his whole expression darkened, you bit back a smile, nodding your head to the end of the large room. There, in a corner, one baby boy and two little girls, one of which was Sarada, were enthusiastically smashing plastic toys around, being supervised by smiling Sakura.

"I am accompanied by the fine gentleman over there", you pointed to the boy, before laughing, "But I think he may be too occupied at the moment to even remember I exist."

Naruto followed the direction of which your finger was pointing and he suddenly felt his body relax. Oh. You were talking about that type of company.

"Is that your brother?"

Raising your brow at him, you gave him a small smirk, finding his question cute. There was something about this man that was both extremely sweet, yet attractive - perhaps it was the innocence he radiated, while looking so strong and masculine.

"You are flattering me", your attention moved back to the child, who was now trying to communicate something with Sarada, "This is my son, actually."

"Your son?", his voice came out louder and squeakier than expected and he immediately added, "It's just... you look so young, heh. Not that is a bad thing, you know? You are beautiful! Your son is also beautiful... Not in a creepy way, I mean he looks a lot like you and-"

The words suddenly got stuck in his throat and he loudly gulped, already fearing the disaster he just created. Expecting you to stand up and leave, or maybe even slap him, he was shocked when all you did was to just grab his hand and give it a little squeeze.

"You sure blabber a lot for a Hokage", you joked, before standing up, "Excuse me just for a minute."

Blue eyes followed your body across the room, curiously watching how you picked up the small boy in your arms and placed it on your hips, before making your way back. Now that he was getting closer, Naruto could fully appreciate the striking resemblance the child had with you. You had dressed him in a little blue shirt and black pants, which was complementing your dress with the same colours.

“Wow! He is literally your twin! Dad must be jealous”, he laughed nervously once you were just few feet away. The mention of he word “dad” made your body stiffen and you adjusted your baby’s position, so you can both sit comfortably.

“I doubt that - that man didn't even have the decency to show up for his child's birth, let alone acknowledge his existence .”

The blonde almost chocked on his drink, hitting his chest a few times. Was it bad to feel so good after hearing you say these words? He would never dream of wishing any child to grow up without a father, yet something inside of him felt almost relieved.

"Oh?", his posture relaxed and he raised one eyebrow, "So you are single mother?"

The answer was obvious, but he needed to be 100% sure - the last thing he wanted was to ruin someone's relationship, especially when there is a child involved. The nod of your head and the small smile were the final assurance he needed and without further word, he moved to the seat next to you which was previously occupied by Ino.

The sudden movement startled the baby in your arms and it immediately turned its head to the side, curiously observing the man.

"Hi, little one! My name is Naruto. Oh my, you are very cute!"

Uzumaki was good with kids. Maybe it was because of his friendly appearance or the fact he was full with energy, just like them, but there has not been a single child so far that didn't adore him from the moment they laid their eyes on him. Even Sarada, much to Sasuke's dismay.

The look that your son was giving him, however, was anything but impressed. Staring at him with his big eyes, he didn't even move a muscle, as if he was challenging him to a staring contest.

Can babies even challenge someone? Naruto never thought so, but he could swear the boy's brows furrowed just a bit, enough for him to send a clear message: "I may be cute, but you are not and neither is your attempt to impress my mom."

"He is very shy", you said, bouncing him on your lap. As a result to your constant travels due to your job, he didn't had a lot of interactions with other children or with people in general. Growing up without a father, he was very attached to you and any unknown person was always treated with suspicion.

To you he was just being cautious. To the man to your right, however, he was protective. The look he has given him was not one of a timid child, quite the opposite - he may be small, but he loved his mama and was not about to let a random man come and sweep her off her feet. Even if he was the Hokage himself.

"Well, I would love to get to know him", the man smiled, before lifting his eyes to yours, "and you, of course! Maybe... I can take you out on a dinner or something?"

"No", the word fell out of your child's mouth, before you can even start replying. Naruto looked at him, noticing the small pout that was now formed on his chubby face. Biting his lip, the Uzumaki tried his best to contain his laugh and remain serious. Not that he didn't respect the little man and how he tried to protect you, but he was so small and cute, it was hard to take him seriously.

"Hey, that is not nice!", you said to your son, giving him a look. He, however, didn't even acknowledge you, his whole attention trained on the man next to you.

"I am sorry, he just learned the word "no", and now he keep saying it at the most random times."

The blonde nodded with a smile, knowing that this was definitely NOT a random time.

"But to answer your question, WE would love to go on a dinner with you!", you adjusted the baby in your arms and the shift finally made him look at you. With a smile, you pressed a kiss to his temple, before looking back at the Hokage: "I am staying with Ino for the next three weeks. Pick us up tomorrow at 8?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day Naruto was half an hour early to the arranged time. Too scared to knock on the door and look way too eager to see you, he decided to wait outside, almost giving Ino a heart attack once she opened the door and nearly bumped her head in his chest.

"Naruto, what the hell are you doing just standing in front of my door?"

"Uh... Waiting?", he scratched the back of his head nervously, wishing there was a hole in the ground that can swallow him whole. It was not like this was his first date ever, why was he nervous about?

Deep inside he knew the answer - it was not you who was making him anxious, but your son. The way their first interaction went woke something competitive in him and now he was determined to prove himself as a man, good enough to be a partner and a father.

Being the village's hero he hasn’t faced a challenge like this for a while, so while he thought a bit of smooth talking and play time with your child were enough to win your son over, it seemed to make the situation even worse. The child refused to play with him and instead was clinging to you the whole time, giving Naruto such a look, which could only be described as a glare.

"He is not usually like this", you said at the end of your date, when you were both saying your 'goodbyes' in front of Ino's house, "I am really sorry if it made you uncomfortable or-"

Before you can finish, big calloused fingers pressed themselves to your lips, silencing you. You were glad that your son was now asleep, as he saw the gesture, he would surely cry, just like he did every time Naruto tried to grab your hand or touch you in any way during dinner.

"Hey, I think it is completely normal", the blonde let out a short breathy laugh, moving his eyes between the child and your face, "He just want to protect his mother. If I was him, I would be the same..."

Looking down, you carefully considered his words. You avoided dating after your ex left you once he found you are pregnant, so you never had the chance to observe your baby boy around men. But looking at his behaviour now, the Hokage's words made sense.

Thankfully for you, the Uzumaki was not a man who gave up easily. Pressing a kiss to your cheek, he invited you both to go and visit him the next day in the Hokage tower. He promised to give you a tour around and grab a lunch with you during his break.

For the three weeks you were in Konoha, you spend every single day with Naruto. He started going to work extra early, just so he can leave on time to pick you up and show you another one of his favourite spots around Konoha. For everyone around you, it was obvious you were absolutely whipped for one another and all this extra effort from his side seemed almost unnecessary in their eyes. For him, however, it was more than necessary, especially since your shared future was depending on it.

As a teacher, you built your job around travelling - you loved sharing your knowledge with the world, as well gaining new one from each place you visited. Such life was busy and demanding, especially for a single parent, but the pros outweighed the cons significantly.

Naruto refused to directly ask you to move to Konoha permanently, but his intentions were pretty clear - he never missed a chance to point out how good the Academy is, how there is a higher education institution being build right now and how gifted the kids in the village were. In the beginning, you didn't give any indication you were even considering staying, but after a while you started to show your interest in your own way - mainly by asking questions about the job market, the teachers in the Academy and in general the life in Konoha.

His relationship with your son also improved drastically. At first, the child stopped "glaring" at him and actually trusted him to come near you. Then, a few days later, he agreed for the first time to play ball with him and at the end of your walk in the park, he even fell asleep in Naruto's arms. By the time you had to leave, your son was so attached to the blonde, he refused to let go of his neck and go in your arms.

"We need to go, darling", you muttered tiredly, trying to detach him from the Hokage.

"No", he cried even louder, "Mama - bye!"

Letting out a loud laugh, Naruto adjusted the little boy in his arms, so he frees one hand and takes yours in it.

"Maybe mama would consider staying", he said, his grin transforming into a soft smile. Squeezing your fingers between his, he tugged you toward him, wrapping his free hand around your waist.

"I won't force you to stay if you do not want to... but I really, really wish you would consider it! I know we have been knowing each other for weeks, but damn, I am in love with you! And I love this little guy here", he looked over the child in his arms, that was now snuggling in his chest, giving you the biggest puppy eyes, "He does feel like my son. And if you leave... I may have to follow you till you agree to come back. And believe it, I do have some experience with making people come back!"

Letting out a giggle, you raise your brow at his words, the bag on your shoulder already falling down.

"Yeah? You would travel around the whole world just to bring us back to you?"

Closing the distance, he leaned his head to the side, so he can lay a small kiss on your lips. He pressed his forehead to yours, letting out a breath of relief once he heard your bag falling to the floor.

"I will travel to the end of the universe, if it means you will be with me."

cc artowork: Jayison Devadas

[drbased]

i've been reading your symbolic states tag and i'm both fascinated and relieved. i too am trying to live more in the real world and less in my head. a spark was struck when i read that i should be looking forward to the work of living, rather than dreaming of the symbolic sense of achievement i want.

do you have any tips/advice on getting out of that state? i find myself slipping back to it after a few days/weeks. how did you get out of it permanently?

i also want to hear your thoughts on social media's impact on us with regards to the symbolic state. social media is a literal continuous symbolic state that we are now all expected to participate in. how might we do it without succumbing to living/thinking symbolically?

actually, i would go so far as to state that social media has contributed directly to the current boom and celebration of unreal/symbolic ideals.

thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.

Thank you so much for this message 💖

This is, in short, my process:

learn to recognise what makes you feel uncomfortable. mentally trace back to recognise what has made you feel sad, angry etc. The more specific and granular and embarrassing you can recognise as the source of your negative emotional response, the more you're learning about your actual self and not some idealised version of you.

from that, start getting to know yourself. once again, the more granular and specific you can get, the better. instead of thinking 'I am smart', recognise 'I have good analytical skills that I developed during childhood because of x experience' etc. this will help you to stop categorising yourself as a certain type of person and instead will help you to have a healthier relationship with the traits that make up who you are.

before doing an activity, is your mental picture of yourself in the first or third person? because if it's the latter, try imagining yourself in the first person. if this feels humiliating and embarrassing, and the activity seems boring, you've learned something about what you actually like doing. get used to recognising that picturing yourself in the third person is a warning sign. the more you recognise the warning signs, the more you learn about yourself, and the more you can act authentically.

with a better picture of who you are, you're better at recognising what you actually want in the moment. I specify in the moment, because it's very easy to categorise yourself - I spent over a decade doing things because 'drbased would like this activity', as if I'm forced to behave according to someone's OC character sheet of myself. For example, when doing art projects, I feel as if I'm supposed to do a specific design because 'that's the kind of design drbased likes' - which actually makes the activity the opposite of creativity because I leave myself no room for the spontaneity of the human spirit; everything I do has to fit into a category. Recognising that I can just exist in the moment and not as part of some wider narrative has helped me immensely

learn to trust yourself - or, at least, humour yourself until you trust yourself. learning to humour myself is where this all started. I took myself and my point of view seriously, and as such was finally able to stop being embarrassed at being a human being. I approach everything from my own point of view now, and it's wild that I finally understand that that's what being human, being alive, existing is all about.

and here's the big one - or, rather, one continuous and contiguous chain of small ones - I have to actually do what I want, moment to moment. Since I lost the ability to recognise myself as a human being existing in the chain of cause-and-effect, I have to re-establish my relationship with said cause-and-effect. I have to re-attach some neurons, and the best way to do that is with consistent behaviour. I feel something I want to do, I have to do it instantly. The more of a gap I leave, the harder I make it in the long run. I still feel the tug of obligation stopping me from doing what I want to do instantaneously, so this is a long, perhaps a life-long journey for me. but I want that, no matter how exhausting it can get, because every moment I get to show myself love and prove just how serious I am about mending my relationship with myself. One very existentially terrifying thing I've learned is that the medium is the message - the very fact that you're making these gestures to yourself is something that your brain registers. And the simple fact, is, reality feels a lot better when you're directly engaging with it. It's tough, but it's incredibly rewarding and makes life better - remember, you only ever exist in the moment - so thinking of yourself as anything other than in the moment is a form of death of the self. Reinforcing yourself as part of the chain of causality is telling yourself you're alive and want to live.

Make no mistake: I am not completely out of it. I seriously damaged my relationship with my own self-hood and I am sure that I will always be struggling with this for the rest of my life. But how I frame my response to life's struggles is entirely different now - I am making this decision to engage with what I once percieved as the humiliation of mundane life because I can now recognise that for better or for worse, I'm the one living it. I'm the one feeling the feelings and thinking the thoughts and doing the actions. I am the center of my entire perception of the universe, this life is literally my own. I used to think of myself as having some obligation/responsibility to other people and the universe itself - but now I recognise that responsibility is, like, an actual real thing, instead of just getting marks on a test. If I do something bad, that actually hurts real people; and likewise, doing something nice is good because real people benefit. The 'responsibility' comes once again from the equally comfortable and terrifying realisation of my place in the chain of cause-and-effect. As part of that chain, I may have caused irreparable damage to my psyche, but I'm not part of a narrative where I must seek to 'fix myself' - I'm just a human being, and I want to live the best life I can because feeling good feels good, and that's what I want for myself because I care about myself. If I have to spend the rest of my life constantly asking 'what do I actually want right now?' then so fucking be it - because the alternative is a low-level hell of depression and PDA.

I will talk about social media and symbolic states in a reblog of this another time. But I hope this helps - I'm getting better at writing down the stages of what I did to help myself, and it's incredibly gratifying, and the responses I get are validating.

[darling-i-read-it]

The Mistress

Harry Gardner x fem!reader

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: smut (blowjob), cheating, sex in a public bathroom literally while his family is in the other room (who am i) 

Author’s Note: Hi love! Sorry this took so long! I feel like I went with the slightly creepy route straight into a bj lmao so I hope you like it. I don’t know how I feel lmaoo

Requested by anon, Happy to hear you're doing well, hun! I'm so excited to see your upcoming pieces because these most recent two are absolute gems 💗(I'm a big GTA and RE fan what can I saw I was overjoyed to see them 🤭)

Don't mind me with another Harry request (my sincere apologies, I'm obsessed 😌) I had this potentially spicy plot in mind - Harry x fem!reader. When he sees her being flirty with someone but cannot let his jealousy show since his wife is like RIGHT there. But still makes sure to let her know how much she upset him later on 😉 Take your time with this sweetie and if you don't feel like writing it that's totally ok too! 🤗 Thank you for gracing this site with your lovely works and making my day with them as well. Take care and have a wonderful day/night ~ Addie ❤

I don’t own these characters. They belong to author/director/creator

(not my gif)

Harry’s love for his wife was obligatory. The love he had for her was necessary, to keep their family going. He had created a space where he could comfortably do his job and be seen as successful. He had the wife, the house, and the kid. He had the room to grow and the means to do it. 

But you…you were not a want. You were a need. You were alluring in his worst times, gorgeous in his best. He could watch you move for hours and wonder what it was about you that entranced him. He could picture you from the bed as you slipped your clothes on and the memory filled his entire eyesight. He could see nothing else but you when you were there. 

You were like one of the people he wrote about. You were unreal. He couldn’t live without you now. 

“You’re starring,” your voice broke him from his thoughts. Sometimes he forgot you were actually there. You sat on the side of the bed, arms moving with grace down to your feet. You put your socks on, side eyeing him. “Everything alright?” 

“Uh huh.” He was in a shitty motel with sheets that he knew hadn’t been washed in far too long. 

“H?” You sat up straight. He grabbed your hand, shaking his head. 

“I’m fine,” he promised. You pursed your lips, nodding slowly. 

“You have to get back.” The time schedule he was on was brutal. Sometimes he wondered if the life he had was even worth all this. Couldn’t he just live here with you forever? The misery of his demonic child and his never ending wife seemed like a hell he had trapped himself in. When had he wanted that? “Henry.” 

“I’m here. I swear. I just don’t want to leave you.” Your face read the emotions he was feeling. You didn’t want to leave either but someone had to. If this thing was to be sustainable, you had to go. 

“I never thought I’d be here you know,” you muttered. Even your voice sounded melodic. “In bed with a married man. Jesus. What would my mother say?” He felt a pang of guilt but not for the person who he should’ve. He had put you in this position. You could’ve been living a life with a free man, someone to show you off to the world. Instead you were in shitty hotels by the ocean, the salt coming in through broken window frames. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. You shook your head. 

“It’s alright. We’re in this boat together, hm?” He grabbed your hand and held it. The hand that had just been all over him, the hand that had felt every inch of his body. You must have been thinking about it too because you kissed him gently. A goodbye kiss. He wanted to curse, to beg you to stay. He didn’t. 

“I need to write you into a story,” he said against your lips. 

“Oh yeah? The girl who never got what she wanted?” 

“The girl who could get whatever she desired.” 

“That sounds better than my thing.” You smiled gently. “I’ll see you later?” He nodded, a promise he was sure to keep. He hoped he wouldn’t see you around town before that, for the sake of his life. For the sake of yours! You stood up. “I’m excited to read what you write me into. Hopefully a better situation than this.” 

You thought about the character of you and envied her. You would be her one day, you hoped. 

-

She was like fire if it never spread. Her silence was dangerous, the presence of her was terrifying. Electrifying was an understatement. She was the lightning that made electricity. She was the origin, the start, the very being that could bring down trees with a touch. She was-

“What’re you writing?” Doris’s voice was like nails on a chalkboard. His initial reaction scared him a bit and he tried to be more caring. 

“Nothing. Nothing, I don’t think anyway.” He shut his computer. 

“Are we still going out to dinner?” 

“Yes. Yeah, sorry, time got away from me.” He got up from the chair. Doris was standing beside Alma who had her coat and shoes on already. She was giving Harry a look of disinterest, similar to her mothers. But Doris at least tried to cover it with a feign emotion, one he couldn’t grasp. “Coming.” 

They piled into the car and were quickly arriving at a small diner. The small diners in Provincetown were stereotypical and uninteresting. There was little local color and little locals. He saw you the second he walked in, like you had attracted his eyes like a magnet. You were sitting at the counter, a milkshake between your hands. Your hair fell in front of your eyes a bit as a smile played on your face. His eyes followed to the waiter you were speaking to. A man about your age, sharing your smile. The jealousy in him was surprising. He didn’t own you. 

But he wanted to. 

You hadn’t seen him yet. Maybe he could convince Doris to leave and go somewhere else. 

“Right here. You’re the newer family right? Big house on the water?” Their waitress said, gesturing to the table. Doris had been speaking and he hadn’t even noticed. 

“Yes ma’am,” Harry responded. 

“We don’t get lots of visitors here, except for the writers.”

“My husbands the writer,” Doris explained. At the mention of the topic, you turned your head ever so slightly. Your eyes locked for just a moment, zero panic in your face. It was like you didn’t even know him. You turned your head back to the waiter behind the counter. 

“What kinds of things do you write?” the waitress asked. 

“Screenplays.” “Anything I’ve seen?” 

“Not yet,” Doris promised. You were too distracting. He couldn’t stay here with you. His phone buzzed and he knew it was you. He checked it obsessively, turning it towards him so that Doris and Alma couldn’t see. 

I’m sorry, you texted. He didn’t answer. 

“Can I get you started with some waters?” 

His eyes flickered to you. Smiling at the waiter, a gentle comradery. It made him sick. 

“Yes please,” Doris said. She watched him and his discomfort but couldn’t find the source of it. The waitress left, leaving them alone, without a buffer between him and you. He opened up his phone again, staring at the message. You should leave. Why weren’t you leaving? “Everything okay?” 

He couldn’t hear what you were saying but he could see your hand brushing the waiters. Closer to your age, likely not married. Attainable. You could have something attainable. He glanced at Doris and nodded curtly. 

“I just need to go to the bathroom.” He got up, loudly. She scoffed, nodding. 

“Okay.” He pushed past you. Your eyes followed him as he turned the corner. You looked back at the waiter. 

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to use the little girls room.” You slid off the stool with a small smile and left your milkshake. You turned the corner and knocked on the men's bathroom door. It opened quickly. It was the type of bathroom that was private, without stalls. Just two rooms. 

Harry grabbed your hand and dragged you inside. He shut the door and locked it behind you. 

“I didn’t know you would be here,” you argued. He was standing so close to you, practically pining you to the door. 

“Who was that?” 

“Who was who?” 

“Don’t act coy,” he spat. You had never seen him so angry, jealousy practically dripping from his eyes. 

“The waiter? He’s a friend.” 

“That all?” “Harry, we can't do this right now. Your family is outside. Come on, we’ll talk later.” You made no movement. He starred, at you, at your features, the ones he could always find comfort in. He grabbed your wrist. “Harry?”

“Get on your knees.” 

You raised an eyebrow but the look in his eyes was too alluring to argue. He was usually gentle and guiding through sex, always careful with you even when he was rougher. You didn’t mind the demanding tone in his voice. You slinked down the door, onto your knees. You looked up at him. 

He was gazing down at you, his hand cupping your chin. You waited to see what he would do. Was he being so daring because his family was out there? Had you crossed a line neither of you had dared to verbalize? 

You put your hands on his waistband. He nodded, ushering you along. You undid his belt and fought with his jeans to pull them down. It didn’t take long for him to get hard at the adrenaline of the moment and you sitting before him. You pumped with your hand, staring up at him still. 

You wanted to tell him the waiter meant nothing. But actions spoke louder than words. You wrapped your lips around him, eyes locked, a glaze over his. He was staring at you like you were a meal. As you moved up and down, bobbing your head back and forth, he grabbed a fist full of your hair. He started to guide you more forcefully, a jealousy lacing his touch. 

You came up for air as minimally as you could. He lasted too long. His family was going to miss him. They would see your lone milkshake and wonder which of you would leave first. There weren’t enough people in this diner to not connect the dots. 

His precum was drooling down your chin. He wanted to fuck you. He knew he didn’t have time. Instead he let you make him cum, swallowing everything you could, making an erotic gagging noise as you did so. His moans came out muffled but clear, head tilted back in pleasure. 

You wiped your mouth, leaning your head against the door. 

“Feel better?” you asked. He scoffed. He helped you up, catching you as you stumbled. He kissed you, tasting himself among your lips. He could stay here with you forever and starve happily. “You go out first,” you muttered. “I’ve gotta wash up.” 

He nodded. He stared at you for a moment longer, brushing your hair out of your face. You locked eyes and the intimacy filled up the bathroom. You wanted to kiss him again but knew you had no time. You would have to let him go, just this once. 

“Thanks,” he muttered under his breath. 

“Anytime H.” You slithered away from him. “Pull your pants up and go back to your family.”

[kindlythevoid]

I finished AC: Odyssey and the amount of RAGE I felt when watching the after-credits was UNREAL.

(Please be warned, there is a very long, angry, slightly incomprehensible rant underneath. Proceed with caution.)

Like, not even touching the fact that Kassandra put Herodotus’s manuscripts in the LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA (which made me super mad about the burning of the Library which means that she put it there for NOTHING and his writing is GONE and it makes me EMOTIONAL)

Okay, so I touched on it a little.

But other than that, seeing the little bit at the end? The little “Kassandra’s journey continues in AC: Valhalla”??? Unreal. Absolutely not. I get that she’s immortal (a lie; I really, really don’t and did not appreciate that story line because of the fucking plot holes that gives the rest of the series but it’s fine I’m fine I’m ironing them out as all angry fanfic writers do) but dear lord why is she in another game??

Okay, I have taken a second and reviewed my words. Allow me to rephrase.

I actually really like Kassandra. I think she’s great. I can deal with her outliving everyone (which she DOESN’T DESERVE) and fucking about like the world’s greatest cryptid (srsly do they explain why she never got in contact with the assassins when she so CLEARLY adopted their weapon-of-choice and are aligned in the same damn cause?). Part of me is rubbing my hands together and cackling at all the sand this gives me to play with in the sandbox of canon. Another part of me is screaming and bashing pots and pans together in front of Ubisoft.

Kassandra showing up in another game? Incredible. Fantastic. Start filling in those plot holes immediately. But also? Valhalla is a separate game. (I have my own rant prepared on what I’ve heard about the game, but that is for another day and when I have actually completed the game and have a legitimate soapbox to stand on.)

Please, please inform me if Ezio or… someone? Some other game has an end credit scene with “their journey continues” after everything?

Maybe I’m not the target audience. Maybe I’m too happy with plot to be in the AC fandom. But, dammit, this is where you go to when you want to scream about your opinion and by golly who ever made it this far is going to hear it.

Like, okay, I felt so tired when I saw those words. I was taken right back to the MCU (which I love and adore) and just felt tired. The MCU, at the moment, is churning out, approximately, a fuckton of content at lightning speed. Usually, I can wrap my head around it and move on. But they are leaving no time to digest, very little time (imo) for me to settle into a character and form a connection before the next show/movie/short comes out! And they’re rushing (imo) after COVID with movies that can and should be, I don’t know, pushed back or reviewed or something.

However, I’m deviating a little bit. Sadly, not enough. Because I see those words in Assassin’s Creed, my little comfort murder video game who brought me into the bubble of video games that I didn’t leave and got me attached to these characters, and I am filled with… not even dread; I’m just tired of it.

Like, okay, you start a game with an assassin and Some Guy who happens to be his descendant. Okay, cool. Next game, you introduce another guy, sprinkle references to the first guy, and give the descendant some quirky friends. You then build on this group of people for the next two games (totaling four at this point) before introducing yet another family through the same guy. Then you kill the guy. It is a big, emotional scene, presumably with some implications and effects (affects?) and what-not. But the family stays. The next game, the family stays. But you waffle between protagonists for no less than four games. But at least everything is entwined!! At least you’re going after Juno, the quirky friends from earlier show up and help, everyone gets a sad fun reference through the games.

So then you start over.

You are over ten games into this franchise and you start over. To be fair, it’s with a new protagonist and it feels right. It’s a good decision! It pulls things more mythologically, but it works. Presumably, you’re setting things up. And then you bring up Atlantis. And you introduce an Isu. And there is very little progress in the modern world, even though (again, as far as I am fucking aware) there is a humanity-hating Isu in the internet probably fucking things up for people.

And after all of these games, which focus on death, dying, and the permanence of said death, you make one of the characters immortal. Like. Good sir, are you well? And then you tell me that this immortal character, which throws quite literally everything that was built up over ten-ish games into question, is showing up in the next game. No, no, not showing up, continuing her journey.

There are a few instances that will probably be brought up if anyone has really strong feelings against me disliking this.

Ezio had three games, why does it matter if Kassandra shows up again? Because!! This isn’t!!! Her game!!!! If this was Odyssey 2: Electric Boogaloo, so be it, go for it, very excited for you, honey, you’re doing great. But this is Eivor’s game. As in, about Eivor and their journey.

Well, what about Altair in Revelations? It’s basically the same thing and you liked that game? Yes, I did like that game. I liked it very much. But Altair had something going for him that Kassandra does not. Altair was dead. So very dead. Extremely, extremely dead in a way that does not effect Ezio in any way, shape, or form except as someone to be studied and put to rest. Kassandra? Alive. Very alive. Able to make active changes to her environment (and then they fucking killed her as soon as we figured it out, I swear, Ubisoft, I swear—).

Alright, well, Conner Kenway showed up in Liberation and he was living and breathing? Yeah, as a celebrity guest star. He lead Aveline around, helped her kill some people, stood around awkwardly in the snow, and called it a day. Like, if that is all it is, then my problems are zilch. You can ignore this whole rant and sit smugly with the knowledge that you have a good told-you-so ready as soon as I finish Valhalla. But dammit you don’t phrase things like Marvel if they only make a guest appearance (and if that is a thing, then shame on you. Keep the surprise).

I would like, as a fun change of pace, for game plots (if applicable) to be thought out. Just a little. Maybe even, and this is where I get ‘em, connected. I would like to see wtf Juno is up to at the moment. I would like to see Shaun and Rebecca again. I would like a tangible plot that connects all of the games and characters together in a way better than aesthetic.

But, again, that is more my personal grievances with the modern missions that needs it’s own angry rant.

Kassandra, sweet murder darling Kassandra, is really trying my patience here. Ideally, I play Valhalla, find out that the Abstergo and the Juno storylines were picked up, Kassandra shows up for a hot minute before fucking off to who-knows-where, and this whole rant is for nothing. Heck, I’d take one of the three at this point. Because, and I think I’ve tagged it now, I’m interested in their independent journeys.

Now, admittedly this gets a bit sketchy when talking about the Assassins. They’re like Batman. Everyone thinks they work alone until you look behind them and there is an army of adopted/blood family backing them up and doing their own thing.

AC1 is about Altair’s redemption. It’s also about Malik’s long hard road to forgiveness. If you really want to dip deep, it’s also Maria’s break-out role and Al Mualim’s descent into madness. Ezio’s trilogy is the rise of the Italian brotherhood and Ezio’s quest for vengeance, justice, and knowledge respectively. You can also find his mother and her dealings with grief, Claudia and her own coming-of-age story, as well as Leonardo’s grappling with the outcomes of his inventions. AC3 was about Connor’s work-life balance as he pursued vengeance and protecting the colonies through helping the revolution and his own little homestead. It was also intertwined with Achilles coming to terms with all of the death that preceded his life with Connor.

I could continue, but I think you get the point. My point is, these stories were all about the individuals, their own personal journeys through grief and heartache and morality, as well as their affects (effects?) on the ones surrounding them, the ones closest to them. By introducing Kassandra into Eivor’s tale, it takes away some of that individuality.

Kassandra already told her tale. (Hell, you fucking picked her tale out for her. But that is a can of worms I’ll explain later.) This is where the torch gets metaphorically passed and Eivor learns their own lessons. While these games are very much stab/slash/kill games, they are also about the meaning of choice and responsibility (especially when dealing with death). They push that these moral lessons are something that should be experienced and carefully examined by each individual.

And quite honestly, as long as Kassandra doesn’t get in the way of Eivor’s lessons? If Eivor gets their own tale, their own emotional journey, without clashing with Kassandra’s? Then, yeah. Yeah, I’ll be happy seeing my favorite misthios running around a different time.

[mylifemahway]

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

Hi guys, as we know there are many cartoon characters which have made your childhood awesome. Many of you are still a fan of those and whenever or somewhere if there is something mentioned about those cartoon characters you guys go back to your childhood days remembering those moments when you see those cartoons with your friends and enjoyed those moments which are stress free as compared to present day world where every single minute you have to run for meeting your requirements. Here I have came to cherish those memories with some interesting facts about those characters by seeing whom you had enjoyed a lot in your childhood. Today I am going to start with one of the most famous cartoon character, which had made you all laugh by his foolish behaviour, yes, you are correct its none other than "SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS".

Spongebob and his friends are actually the ghosts of humans that forcefully had to take-over the bodies of sea creatures to survive. You are now thinking what are you saying my friend how can this be possible. But my friends everything is possible in this unreal world where reality is far behind our vision.

Spongebob was originally a kid named Bob. Bob was a nice kid, always helping others and always trying to stay out of trouble. But often he gets in trouble, taking the rap for what other kids did, and often accidentally tripping someone when trying to help them. One day in 1920, while riding his bike, he accidentally went down a steep hill and fell off, putting him in a coma. After 2 weeks, he eventually died and had a proper funeral. In his sea creature counterpart, he still is very nice and still gets in trouble.

Now in the cartoon you would also have seen Patrick as the best friend of Spongebob. Also in reality Patrick, in his past life, originally named John was a couple of years younger than Bob and as same as in the cartoons they were close friends. They lived in the same neighbourhood and often played together. In 1918, he was hit in the head very hard, giving him brain damage and an occasional inability to think.

Then for his last for 5 years he was always getting into extreme trouble, often hurting people and was friendless to everyone except for Bob. Then in 1923 he was having a moment of stupidity and climbed onto the roof. He tripped and fell off the roof, cracking his head and eventually killing him. In his sea creature counterpart, he still acts dumb and is only friends with Spongebob.

Next, you have seen Squidward who doesn't have any friend except his teddy with whom he plays. In reality, Squidward's original name was Dan, who was the sore thumb, never playing with the other kids. He was always lonely, with no friends except for his clarinet and his teddy bear, Zippy. Dan had a severe heart condition that would eventually lead him to his end. His heart was too weak that if something surprising happened, if he got startled, he could have a heart attack.

One night in 1930, he had a dream where zippy was murdering him. This scared him so much that he woke up with a severe heart attack, which killed him. In his sea creature counterpart, he still gets scared often and his only friend is his clarinet.

There are many other sea creatures who contain the souls of dead children. They yearn to see their families again and long from their previous lives. Maybe one day, when their fish form dies, these mournful souls will take over the new baby of their previous mother. If they cannot, however, they will be trapped in a fish body forever, roaming alone across the seven seas.

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[enanda]

Bima Teguh Prakoso.

Hi!

I heard that September 6th was the day Bima Teguh Prakoso was born. So, here I am, wanting to share a few special things with that person. Oh, by the way, I haven’t introduced myself, have I? You can call me Allya! :3

Let’s start with something that still feels SO unreal to me. Bima... he is someone I never imagined I’d be in a relationship with. Why, you ask? Well, I wasn’t someone who socialized much on campus. I’d never even bumped into Bima there, not even once. Back then, I didn’t even know he existed! It wasn’t until I became part of the campus theater event that I met Bima for the first time. Honestly, I thought he was just some guy selling drinks. It never crossed my mind that we’d end up chatting or even becoming friends. But then, I got super thirsty and decided (lebih ke mencoba memberanikan diri sebenernya) to get a drink from his stand. Oh, and by the way, we weren’t that far apart, so I could easily watch him doing his thing.

Anyway, back to the story. I bought a milk tea from him, and to my surprise, he actually started a conversation. We didn’t know each other at all, so I wasn’t expecting it. But thinking back, it totally made sense because he’s friendly, bubbly, and just gives off good vibes. It was actually great, because it gave me a chance to make a new friend. Our conversation was brief, though, and soon after, we both got back to work. Yet, there was this weird, unspoken warmth between us. We kept catching each other’s eye, over and over, without meaning to. I remember thinking, ‘Mas itu ngeliatin aku ta?’ or ‘Mataku belekan ta? Kenapa diliatin terus deh?’ And, before I knew it, I was stealing glances at him too. It was so confusing back then!

Bima even asked if I needed anything when he was heading out to get something. He also checked in to see if I was doing okay. ‘Perhatian dan baik ya.’ pikirku pada kala itu. And again, this was someone I didn’t even know!

After the event ended, so did our interaction. I didn’t see or talk to him after that and honestly, I didn’t even think about him again. UNTIL, a few weeks later, I got a notification on Instagram that someone requested to follow me. I couldn’t help but be curious and checked out who it was. I didn’t recognize the account and thought, ‘Siapa ya? Aku kenal kah?’ In the end, I accepted the request because he followed a few people I knew.

A week, two weeks, three weeks went by, and I still had no idea who it was. Until one day, I realized, ‘OH! Bukannya ini mas mas dari pentung kemarin ya? Mas mas teh tarik itu?!’ I never expected Bima to find me and want to be friends on Instagram. And that’s how my love story with Bima began. We had this kind of interaction that was frequent, but not too frequent (if that makes sense?). It’s kinda hard to explain, but Bima started showing more interest, though I didn’t really think much of it at first.

Long story short, Bima finally messaged me on Instagram in early July. It was just some casual small talk, but it didn’t last long. I was a bit disappointed because I had hoped the conversation would keep going, but my message was left on read. Fast forward to mid-July, and finally Bima replied to my story again. A few days later, we started talking more, and things really started to grow between us. We got closer and closer, and it felt AMAZINGRR! My world suddenly became brighter and more colorful. Yeah, Bima did that. He brought that light into my life, which used to feel so plain and boring. Thank you sayangku, Bima. <3

I’ll never forget how we got so close and how we’re now a couple, with so many fun memories and moments that have blown my mind with all the coincidences that I never saw coming. It’s made me wonder… ‘Are you my red string of fate?’ Neither Bima nor I, or anyone, can say for sure. But I’m so grateful to have met him.

Bima is someone who’s caring, kind-hearted, humble, friendly, and always there for others to lean on. He’s passionate about what he wants in life, always smiling, and full of energy. He often says he’s suka belibet how to explain things, but I don’t think that’s true. He may seem a bit lost at times, but he explains things clearly and thoughtfully. Bima is strong, warm-hearted, incredibly handsome, and just all-around charming. He’s bubbly and a mood booster for everyone around him. Bima is like the sun shining bright in the middle of a storm. He’s like a refreshing breeze when the heat gets unbearable. He’s someone I want to protect and cherish with all my heart.

“Karena adanya kebebasan untuk kita dalam mencintai dan dicintai sebagai khalayak manusia sehingga pada akhirnya cinta akan selalu menjadi rasa yang tak pernah pamrih atau secara natural menjadi perasaan tanpa syarat dan tidak akan menjadi tolak ukur atas harga diri kita.”

Do you still remember that, Bim? I’ve finally found it in you, Bima. Thank you for existing in this world ya, sayang. You’re loved by so many, and I’m proudly one of them—the one who admires you most.

‪‪❤︎‬ Happy 28th birthday, Bima Teguh Prakoso! ‪‪❤︎‬

[gayspock]

the spiral 🤨

its like it hits the 3am mark and i start to lose it i think. who said that ive been losing it non-stop. whatever. i dontknow. i feel like screaming a little bit. anyone elsefeel like this. im just sort of tired now and have been for the past few days. i feel insanity spike up again when i think too hardabout how it doesnt matter over andover again. theres never a resolution theres never any relief it just shuts up cuz ur so fried you cant even think straight any more or cuz of whatever. i'llshut up for a few more months it'll happen again i cant ever findanything or help myself no matter how hard i try i keep trying it means nothing its worthless as it always was and as you know it is and continues to be and people say its not worthless youre not trying hard enogh youre not doing it long enough. its all i am at this point its all ive ever been its nothing but that/ its the onlyfucking thing in my head and nobody fuckingbelieves it because you cant be serious you havent done it enough nobody can be that fucking hopeless but youre proving it all to be truewith the fact you wont even swallow it . i dont know. i think about how sometimes you cant even have that. ifeel like im nothing but a joke all thetime. and people think so little of me, iknow they do. i dont thinkanyone hasnt ever thought much of me and i jsut get so angry every time someone tries to make an example out of it bc they do nothing but prove me irght but im not evenallowed to fucking say it orim a bitch. i wish it mattered i wish i could jsut say things to people everyones like be fucking truthful but dont be in the way that you actually mean bc we dont likke it we dont like you i think theres projections that people think they like but . i feel fucking crazy everytime im so fucking . fucking upset but im not doing enough its never enough what i can do and i dont know thats not even the point the point is icantkeep doing it i cant keep myself afloat . i can cry this over and overagain i just want a break or jsut one thing to feel okay or right just for a second. i

i dont know sorry the therapy thing again i thinkthe classic "im more mentally illt han you" vibe i feel so often this patronising fucking. energy from others who somehow manage toperceive me this specific fucking niche i exist in when im upset where im jsut such a fucking laughable joke even when its the rock bottom and eveyrthing im thinking andfeeling is so trivial and i just need to do it better to try it harder that im not fucking doing it well enough that i give up so easy that im forcing myself into it that its anyone of these things theres apart of me that just wants to beg down on my knees like pelase just for fucking once please think im a person and its rather pathetic i think abotuthis to everyone i feel like im going crazy i wishi was a person i feel so unreal i wish i existed fully in apersons life i wish itwasnt stretches of nothing of nothing and nothing and fucking screens all the time and still nothing in thosefor the majortiy of the time too i wish i wasnt so far away i wish i wasnt the afterthought i wish i could feel like i existed and properly did exist but i cant ever seem to latch on as i am i cantdo anything as i am and i try and it doesn twork i try to be me i try to be content keep trying everything it never makes sense im not trying enoughstill i dont know i dont know what its worth and even if its achievable it doenst feel like it means anything ay more i cant keep doing this and for what i keep spending every day i feel like every ounce of my life for he better part of a decade is just trying to keep my fuckig head on my shoulders and its not fucking sustainable but what else is there and im meant to betrying harder to be getting better theres nothing i can do im genuinely fucking alone and people dont like to hear it and im genuinely fucking hopeless and there is no way out and i cant evenf ucking have that thought ifeel nuts i hate myself so much

and i feel myself becoming more rancid every dayi will admit no matter how much i try to stop myself. really sharp fucking pangs of anger and upset at fucking everything that i cant fucking suffocate and its getting harder not to lash out at fucking everyone for every little fucking thing bc it sets me off and i cant just get a fucking grip but i dont know i wish there was something more susbtantial for once than just that and just this but also what does it even matter any more liek it mattered in the firstplace and im not just being delusional. whatever whatever its os stupid its so fucking humiliating how upset ive been getting i jsut keep crying over everything because i cant have anything i cant do anything keep trying to do things i try and i try and i try and its never meant anyhting i just feel so much spite and icant stop it its not fucking fair that people just exist and maybe theydont do it easily but they still manage todo something i feel so fucking alone people keep trlling me everyone feels alone feels isolated . so do they! but its not. that i hate being thatfucking asshole but its not that its not jsut the now its the fucking forever its the fundamental root cause theresosmething wrong with me it feels like i cant ive never not once felt like ive been seen i dontknow if i can even like peopel back at this point . people oh im so alone theysay butidont . i feel so fucking angry because theyve still managed to have had a partner or to have some sort of fucking companionship or family and i jsut sit. alone in the dark and i have done for years and no matter where i go ro what i do i keep trying i remember at uni i did try i did i tried to entrer circles but i just keep. falling to the wayside and i wish it was like i was rotted on the inide or i was trulky repulsive but i jus tthink theres nothing there i think theres nothing inside me to like i think i cant be anything and i think nobody wants nothing which is what i am and have been for such a long time bynow because i cant fucking piece anything together theres notihng . id ont know i keep thinking stupid things theres stupid things i keep crying about i thought about getting a cat or something that wouldnt fucking understand me enough for me to reject me but itd be unfair and unreasonable to try and bring anyhting into it my stupid fucking black hole existenc e how it wouldnt be realistic how nothing is its really embarrassing how fucking minute it is sometimes how such little things keep tipping me off i got angry i getupset everyone else has osmething or some interes tor something they can manage it with i cant find anything i think thats jst

part of it though i keep trying to find these threads out ii keep trying to find littlethings little hopes only to follow them through and just everything comescrashing down huge nos huge fuck yous it never fucking works out it never goes anywehre every time i try to get happy it just feelslike im slapped in the face and theres so many more thingsits nonstop its neverending theres not just one fucking thing to be happy about or to be proud about or to be satisfied with no matter what i do and it just feels so so ufcking insulting sometimes that you have to pretend it and force it up just to satisfy eeveryone else but i just cant do it i keep thinkign about it and i cant do it ive never done anyhting i can just feel like meant anything and its so embarrassing it sounds fucking melodramatic but its true and nobody will jsut . even let me have tha t and no one even fucking sees it happenign i just the onyl time when its not like this is actively trying to fucking disconnect myself form everything and lose mself in shit i still fucking hate but is manageable but thats going nowhere its nowhere its more nothing an d i dont know i feel like i used to thought it would matter if i kept blowing up like something could change but my head hurts so badl and i dont fucking care to pretend i fucking respect it either cuz they dont i just think i dont know im a stupid fucking cunt and i always have been and if ucking wish people would just say it to my face and theres a part of me that just fucking hates fucking everyone because who fucking cares what the fuck else can i even manage i cant if im never going tofucking anything to people why why i jsut need something for once i want to fucking hit someone so they can hit me back or fucking something so at least imreal even for a fucking second bleh bleh bleh beofrei realise even that i dont know i feel like m not serious enough whatever

[apexart-journal]

Mvelo Mahlanguin NYC, Day 8

Todays first activity was sitting in on a zoom meeting on Advocating for Discretionary Funding within community gardeners. I felt comfortable in understanding the context of the meeting because of my trip to the Bronx Library for the proposal writing on Day 1 as well as my visit to the Brooklyn Garden on Day 3. 

It definitely takes a lot of work and organisation to uphold and maintain community public spaces, so it has been interesting seeing the inner workings of this maintenance. Its still a little bit foreign to me the idea of structured community gardens that are actively being taken care of by different people of the community and community organisations. 

After the zoom I made my way over to Apexart to have my meeting with Nia. A weeks difference of traveling up and down New York ensured that I knew how to get to apexart and something unfamiliar became something recognisable. I'm definitely hoping that when I am able to come back to NY in the future, my brain will still retain familiarity with the streets and subways. 

It was comforting catching up with Nia and sharing what I’ve experienced and laughing on some experiences that both her and Ryan have gone through as New Yorkers. I realise it was comforting because I’ve been manoeuvring around by myself and when I do talk to people, its only a very fleeting moment. Which means I’m mostly alone or in my head. So apart from my sessions with Nancy, it's nice knowing that I have a moment to ‘catchup’ and talk with someone who is familiar. 

Steven had also passed through at one point which was lovely as I shared the effects of the programme on me so far. It’s definitely one thing knowing or anticipating what you may go through and understanding the aims of the programme, and then actually go through it and observing the internal shifts in mindset or view points. As open and as unattached to expectations as I was, to my time in NY, I realise I subconsciously had some preconceived ideas of what it could be like. It initially shaped my viewpoint of thinking that New York is just this place in America that everyone raves about, its busy and bustling, full of skyscrapers; "concrete jungle” - Which it is all that. But the mental image it created was this loud noisy place, congested with people that are most probably unfriendly and too busy. Kind of like Johannesburgs CBD, but on steroids. So this mental image resulted in me never really placing NY as thee ‘go-to' destination in America.  I thought more California or Colorado where nature was more prevalent and a ‘calmer’ environment. 

I can definitely say that my mind has changed drastically. It's a whole new world outside of the confines of what I could have imagined. The melting pot of people from different backgrounds is unreal. The architecture and public infrastructure has been pleasantly surprising. The tangible and vibrant energy of life is so palpable. I even used to ask myself where do the elderly people stay or ‘retire’ to if they live in New York? And the quality of life must be harder in such a busy place. Looking at it now, that’s the most ridiculous question I could have ever thought of. And I think its taught me a very real lesson on perception and the biases we create within our minds that prevent us from experiencing “a whole new world”, FIRST HAND. One thing Steven also mentioned is that, we’d only truly see the effects of this program once I’ve settled back into my routine back home. I’m interested in seeing how that will play out. 

I then made my way over to Nancy to share with her my first week, which definitely had me feeling so much more extroverted and a little more in touch with my old self. We spoke about some growing pains that have shaped who I am currently on a social aspect, resulting in my general tendency towards introversion. One key takeaway is that being outside of a familiar environment has shown me how much we sometimes stick to a certain way of being even though we are always free to reinvent new ways of being. Being a human is a very interesting experience… haha!

I ended off my day going to Sunrise Market (as per Ryan's recommendation) a Japanese market, and had a lovely bowl of Udon noodles. 

[bonickhausen]

I AM MY OWN PROFILER

"Although the word "optimization" shares the same root as "optimal", it is rare for the process of optimization to produce a truly optimal system." hello again!

this year has been good so far. many good things have happened up until this point and i feel like a healthier person. i feel like i've gotten better at identifying problems within me and sorting them out. i'm trying to be analytical when looking at myself and i feel like it's paying off. i turn 29 this year! took me 29 years to learn not to freak the fuck out with myself.

i'm trying to take care of myself so that i can survive whatever comes next. i've been listening to my body more and i've been giving myself some rest so that i can do what has to be done with happiness and energy. balance- balance is the word and it's been jumping around in my head for a while now, as cheesy as it may sound, yes, balance really is the key for so much in life.

ironically, it seems like duality has turned into a recurring theme for me: i see duality in so much. i see duality in me. in how i am- in how my acts and mannerisms often resemble my mom or dad's, so so much. in how i see life: balancing between the creator me and the person me. in my faults. in my thoughts and in my dreams and in my possibilities. i am two and i am a mediator.

i got another cat. her name is "dona petrópolis". her old name at the adoption site was "petrópolis" and despite the fact that i'm not a huge fan of that name, i decided to keep it: someone else had already given her that name and i figured i shouldn't just re-name her so i just added a prefix.

dona doesn't leave her room yet as i have another cat and i'm slowly trying to introduce them so that they dont just hiss at each other.

i got back into sports. i loved running around when i was a kid, how the fuck did i go 20+ years with my ass stuck on a chair?!? physical exercise has done wonders to my head.

(plus i get to smack people now!)

i have at last unfucked my sleeping schedule, this time for good. bed around midnight, waking at 8 every day weekends also. doc said i should so i did- i'd rather get some angry scolding from the doctor rather than truly shitty news a few years from now on. the sunlight makes me feel great and i try to get all my work done before noon.

i no longer use unity in my personal projects. decided to bite the bullet and move to unreal for good. not looking back.

i tolerate my social mistakes more now. everybody fucks up, so what. that person in the subway is never going to see my face again, fuck it.

i've been watching more movies. could watch even more but i'm picky and i hate watching things just for the hell of it or to, gasp, study. fuck that. if i'm not enjoying it, fuck it. i'd like to take a stab at working with movies one day though- i guess i'd have far more fun making one rather than just watching things all the time.

i've been looking into buying an apartment. not now -because i can't afford one yet- but over the next few years. i like living in big cities and i guess i can say i like são paulo, now that i've actually explored it a bit. i'd like to stay here for the unforeseeable future.

(unless i get a job invitation from remedy entertainment. i'd go to helsinki in a flash)

i live alone now. i thought i wouldn't get used to it but i did- i actually got used to it really fast. i like sleeping all by myself because i can stretch my body as much as i want and i'm not disturbed by snoring. i have my own rhythm and i dont have to take anyone into account. i've always wanted to live with someone but you know what? i think i've been wrong all along. i like having the place all to myself. it's going to remain like this for a good while.

however, there is one particular issue that hasn't yet been solved and it probably never will. it is a problem of great complexity and i'm afraid that it probably has no solution at this point. i see many problems that have yet to be solved but this one is the only one in which i see no viable way out and it is a shame. i feel frustrated by problems with no solutions because, as i've probably mentioned before, i feel like problem solving has become part of my identity at this point. not only that but this is a very personal problem which only makes it sting more. i am constantly reminded of it but arh well! nothing remains now except for our regrets.

maybe when i turn 40 i'll have learned how to deal with it. maybe that's how most people deal with problems like these- they just wait until forgetfulness rids them of it. maybe when i'm 50 it'll turn into a mild discomfort in the back of my head and maybe when i'm 70 i'll have no memory of it at all. for problems like these, problems with no solution at all, maybe the only way out is to forget.

it still feels like a shitty way out though. at least i'll have until 2065 to figure something out.

good stuff! talking's good. we should talk more. talk more soon!

[liketheinferno2]

Coming out of Endwalker like... so many thoughts I am not quite ready to organise without looking back, but I think I have figured out why a lot of people see Stormblood as the odd egg out in this story. It's not the pacing, and it's not that the characters are as unbearable as a lot of people make them out to be either, it's just a step backwards thematically. It backs off from the personal emotional stuff and is a big wide plot thing, and it makes sense that it would be, considering a lot of it was apparently plotted out before even Heavensward and still running on ARR logic. But there's this long running thing in this game that was always better expressed through figurative feelsy stuff where the pain is grand and unreal, sometimes literally inconceivably great the way big numbers don't compute in the human brain. Stuff that is tethered closer to emotions than physical events and gets as close to the characters as possible. Write what you know but not with actual events I guess?

FFXIV at its brightest is about grief, depression, denial and escapism and how you have to move past all of that to make your life worth living -- For those we have lost, for those we can yet save -- but more than that, how this is only really possible through new and surviving bonds. You can't save everyone and you can't get those people back. There's no way to rewind or undo the loss and trauma and the characters who cause themselves suffering are all either out for revenge, or reincarnation that they could never live to see, or more broadly they're looking for a meaning in life that has a finite end point. Estinien, G'raha are both extremely relevant additions to the cast for this reason, it's far more than just fan appeal. 1. Guy who lived to kill, not just for lost loved ones but a life he could have had; almost ends the life he has now if not for new love and friendship. 2. Guy who lived to die out of love, and when denied this had to come to terms with the fact that removing yourself from a loved one is not a kindness, and one person cannot be the beginning and end of where you find purpose. The amount of beloved characters who only enter the main cast proper after you stop them from offing themselves was never lost on me.

Anyway, if Heavensward was when this theming got LOUD and ANGRY, Shadowbringers is when it was cold and alone. I came out of Shadowbringers rattled, genuinely exhausted. Endwalker is not like that. It's the story not just for people in the abyss, but those of us who have climbed out again. A lot of people are Hermes in this story, but I'm a Venat type myself... and it's something you can only achieve after digging through the mud. Extremely rare to ever have a story like this written from that perspective. Once I realised what her white robes meant I changed mine. That's neither here nor there but Endwalker eases you in, stresses you out, hurts over and over but keeps giving you anchors to hold onto and relationships to push you forward, and up to the very last second it's harder and harder (for the characters at least,) but then the relief! Shadowbringers felt like washing up on the beach, Endwalker lets you down gently! God it's good.

I know what an actual character end feels like so I wasn't crying in that final area, I think my prevailing emotion was "I hate these nihilist cunts" "I hate that all this destruction was needless" "I hate this fucking crab bucket dimension" but in a completely positive way. It's that frustration I feel when someone refuses to accept that they have defined their own meaninglessness, it is not inherent and it is causing them all this unnecessary pain. This is the suicide expansion, that's just what it is. I had my doubts when that first came up in the patches but not once did it feel cheap, even when the game beats you over the head with it. The end reveal that "suffer with me" was never even supposed to be kindness, because of course it wasn't, of course there's rage and fear in that, Hermes said himself that killing something that wants to live is not beautiful.

And there's debate about whether the Ancients had an "actual utopia" or not -- A. Of course it was because Emmie said so, B. Of course it wasn't because Hermes and Meteion suffered -- but that's not even the right question to ask in my opinion. It was an actual utopia, caveat: in a piece of fiction written with the idea that utopia and perfection is unachievable and would destroy anyone who could reach it. It being actually genuinely all but free of pain for mankind is not a loss of a great society that could never be rebuilt, but a sort of literalised escapism, literalised denial, an unreachable world that people on real world (the sundered one, in-universe) can only wish or hope existed, if somehow we could ever be free of strife. You go to the Garden of Eden and it's a lab. It's heaven bro. It's heaven and you can't reach it through violence.

Ironically Zenos who was such a... ???? ... in Stormblood ended up being best adapted to the themes of Endwalker because here's 3. Guy searching eternally for what meaning he can find through violence, when actually hurt for the first time in his adult life finds it the closest thing to closeness he's yet felt. But instead of identifying that closeness as what he wants, blames it on the violence instead, literally chases you to the ends of the earth hoping you'll kill each other in some ultimate act of physicality and what is, to Zenos, love! The nearest thing to it. The harder he pushes this way the further he pushes any reasonable person away from reciprocating. He gets so close to realising what he's done wrong, not in his actions but in the meaning he has defined for himself. Alisaie gets closer than anyone to cracking him just by telling him he'll die hated and alone. And personally I do think the rescue button was made of his regret, some last second realisation that dying is not what he wanted, and more than that, he does not want the person who at least tried to give his life meaning to die too. Loving or hating this character are both completely reasonably strong reactions but he loves YOU, like it or not. That's kinda the point...

Terrified I'm gonna lose this post so I end it here. Endwalker was unmatched. Best Game.

[reids-rendering-reality]

Guys My Age

Summary: Y/N is the newest addition to the BAU team and Spencer appears to have taken a special liking towards her. The only problem is, he thinks he’s too old for her. However, that’s all about to change when they share a hotel room.

(A/N: I’m such a sucker for the hotel room trope so I combined it with two of my other favourite ideas: Spencer being older than the reader and catching her doing yoga)

Type: fluff + a sexual innuendo or two

Warnings: dirty thoughts, insecurity about age, age gap, anxiety, yoga?

Word Count: 2.1K

Spencer Reid’s POV

I pulled the handle of my satchel over my shoulder as I sighed. It was a very long day in a small rural town somewhere deep in Alabama. Everyone else had gone back to their hotel room, besides Hotch and I. There was just something about this case I couldn’t get out of my mind. The feeling of being so close to the final piece of the puzzle, as if it were on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t grip it. Yet I had to let it go for the night and get some rest. The much needed REM sleep could give me an entirely new perspective on this problem to me tomorrow. At least that’s what I hoped.

On the walk to the hotel room I was getting increasingly nervous, the more rooms I passed in the hallway. This small hotel did not have enough rooms to accommodate the whole team separately. They only had four rooms for the seven of us. JJ and Emily had immediately paired up, just like Rossi and Morgan. And Hotch being the team leader took the single room. Leaving me with our newest and youngest member, Y/N.

It’s not like I didn’t like her. That’s not what it was at all. Just, she made me a little bit nervous. She was so beautiful that sometimes I couldn’t get out any words around her. And that says a lot because I always have something to say. But as cheesy as it sounds, in some moments there is not a single fact that I can recall. 

But the elephant in the room demands to be heard. She is younger than I am. And that by a lot. By exactly ten years and three months. That appears to be a lot. I don’t really know why, but that bothers me. We are both adults, but because of social conventions at our age, I feel as though it is inappropriate. Yet if I were 60 and she were 50 or I was 80 and she was 70, no one would even blink at the gap. Yet because we are young it matters. I feel sad when I think about it because I like her a lot. And when we talk I don’t notice the age gap. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that it wasn’t even there at all.

What surprised me as I was having these thoughts and neared the room was the fact that I actually considered asking her out. Since Maeve I have not been on a single date. And who said she would even be interested in anything beyond a casual friendship or even colleagueship with me? That’s not even considering the amount of courage it would require for me to tell her. But it’s not like that would be a fruitful endeavour.

And that was the last thought I had before I reached the door to room 179. A prime number. Prime numbers would be my lucky numbers if there were such a thing.

As I rummaged around my pockets and satchel for the key card I noticed the sound of music coming through the door.

“Gotta thank him he’s the reason

That I’ll find what I’m looking for.”

I heard a woman sing over the sound of an electric guitar. I still hadn’t found my key card.

“Guys my age don't know how to treat me

Don't know how to treat me.”

My movements stopped when my brain registered the lyrics. Guys my age…?

“Guys my age don't know how to touch me

Don't know how to love me good.”

My breath hitched and I gulped, key card in hand. Did she mean that? Could it be possible that she would be interested in someone ten years older than her? The feeling of hope was beginning to form in my brain, scenarios of what could be clouding my vision. But they were quickly pushed aside by a dark storm of self-doubt. Because most people don’t listen to lyrics as closely. The lyrics to a song don’t mean anything to them. Did they mean anything to her?

I realised I had been standing in front of the door for way too long and gathered all my confidence to go inside. But nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see. After closing the door behind me and tucking away the key card into my bag I turned around for the first time.

There she was. In the middle of the room in front of the two twin beds on a yoga mat. Her front leg was bent as she stretched her back. She was only dressed in skin tight pants and a matching bra that complimented the way her body was contorted. The soft light from the night lamp next to one of the beds made her skin glisten just noticeably as if it were glowing. I could feel my eyes widen as I my brain finally added up the pieces of what I was seeing.

“Oh, hi Spence!” she said gleefully turning her head towards mine, “I was feeling a little tense after sitting in that conference room all day. I hope you don’t mind.”

I didn’t even bother to attempt to talk, I could feel how dry my throat was and how my lips would not listen to any command I would’ve given it. So I just shook my head and pulled my eyes away from her as she moved her upper body towards the floor, holding herself up by her ellbows. I walked towards the beds in her general direction trying not to notice how gorgeous her ass looked now that her body was turned away from me. That I even had that thought surprised me and caused a blush to rise to my cheeks. I was thankful that she couldn’t see my face in that moment as I loosened up my tie. Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, my attention drifted back to the song.

“Don't know how to love me good

So I'm never going back”

There was nothing in that moment that could keep me sane. My wildest dreams could have not come up with this scenario. It felt utterly unreal.

As the song ended I saw her change positions again from my peripheral vision.

“You’re awfully quiet today,” she said while turning the music down.

I noticed panic begin to fill my brain. She wanted to have a conversation.

“I um- it’s been kind of a long day,” I said and cleared my throat, while deciding whether or not it would be a good idea to turn around towards her.

“Have you been at the station the whole time? You must be exhausted,” she responded and continued when I didn’t answer, “I thought you could show me that show you’ve been gushing about.”

How was this real life? My brain began to lose control of my executive functions as my body turned around to face her. She was now sitting on the floor, legs stretched out in front of her, her hands wrapped around her feet as she looked up at me. The low-cut top she was wearing gave me a perfect sight into the curves of her-

I dared not continue that line of thought, already flustered enough as it is.

“Really? You’d be interested in watching that?” I said and blinked.

Her lips spread into a smile, twinkling her eyes, “Yeah, of course. The way you described it makes me really curious.”

“We could watch an episode or two before going to sleep, if you want.”

I just had to take this chance. Even if I could only begin to have a friendship with her, I wanted to be close to her because for some odd reason, I couldn’t bear to admire her from afar.

So not long after, I was setting up the odd hotel room tv to watch the show. It took me the entirety of her taking a shower so that I was only standing back up when she was walking out of the small bathroom in a white bathrobe and a towel wrapped around her head. She smiled up at me as she walked past me, her hand brushing my arm so casually that I questioned whether it actually happened. 

I hesitated again before sitting down on the bed. Was she going to get dressed in front of me? Because no matter how much my amygdala wanted me to see that, my frontal cortex wasn’t going to allow it. I forced myself to look through my satchel in an attempt to find a distraction as I waited for her next move. But luckily, she didn’t tempt my brain too much into overdrive.

I felt as if there was a higher power not willing to spare me for the night when she came out of the bathroom a second time, now something someone might call dressed. She was in a loose light coloured satin pyjama set that showed off her legs perfectly. And as if that were not enough to torture me for the night, she joined me on my twin bed with her bag of chips.

“I hope that’s okay with you, then we can share snacks,” she said so innocently that I almost believed it. But I could still hear the song ringing in my ears and I noticed her eyes take a short glance down at my lips as she said it. I was almost convinced that I wasn’t imagining things.

What really sealed the deal was that I noticed her scoot a tiny bit closer to me every once in a while. At first I could only feel the warmth she radiated, but after about 30 minutes I felt the bare skin of her arm against mine. My breath quickened, which I was sure she had noticed.

I knew the episode off by heart. Which was to my advantage because then my brain could run in a speed that I could barely follow. I tried my hardest to calm down a little bit, which was hard when I could feel the movement of her body as a whole-hearted laugh filled her throat.

“Y/N,” I whispered with all my courage. It was so low that I almost thought she wouldn’t hear it, but she turned her head towards me her eyes following a few seconds after.

Her eyes met mine and it was like I could feel my neurons firing electrical signals throughout my entire body. And just like that, in one swift movement she had grabbed my face by the back of my head and pulled me into her lips.

That was the first time that night that my muscles began to relax as I eased into the sensation of her soft lips moving against mine. It was as though I was beginning to lose myself in the kiss, all insecurities about her feelings towards me or my inexperience gone.

When she ultimately pulled away and rested her forehead against mine, we were both panting gently. My whole body felt warm with the feeling of her breath on my skin and her hands still in my hair. I didn’t dare open my eyes, still afraid that I would wake up from this idyllical dream.

We both didn’t know what to say as we pulled away further and looked at each other. I wanted to say something, to let her know how I felt, but once again, my brain did not follow my commands.

“Did you know when you kiss someone for the first time it causes your dopamine levels to increase for a short period of time? It also makes your heart rate and the oxygen supply to your brain to raise,” I heard my voice say in something between a whisper and my normal talking voice.

“For the first time, huh?” she grinned a little at me.

I reached for her hand and gently took it in mine. I moved her palm over my shirt to the centre of my chest. I could feel my heart race through her hands and I know she could feel it too. She looked up into my eyes again with a look on her face that told me all I needed to know.

[yourfifitherealone]

My New Favorite Player (pt1?)

(Art made by @dreamuchuu)

(Dabi has He/It pronouns and Y/N has they/she)

Today, someone is going to audition to have a spot the League. Dabi threw their information papers on my desk and walked out the room I sighed and started to examine them. Their name is Y/N L/N, they were female, very tall in height, Pronouns consisted of They/Them and She/Her and quirk was invisibility. And had dark red hair (probably not good for sneaking and hiding but if needed, they could dye it). They were very attractive, about my age they could use seduction if they really wanted, (they definitely had the looks to do so). I wrote it down and some side comments and thoughts. The recruit was coming in in about an hour Toga had told me she was excited to "have another girl in the family" I bet she was.

When we heard a pattern of knocking on our door we knew it was them we all got to position at our meeting table (yes it is planned) and stayed quiet while Dabi opened the back door. "Hello" "just get inside." Then we started to hear light footsteps but since they were so quiet I lost what direction but I was betting Dabi wasn't gonna show them around because he's him. The door creaked and we all turned to look she looked exactly like she did in the file photos. "Hello" "Hi! I'm Toga Himiko and this is my best friend Jin!" I face-palmed Toga over sharing info to a absolute compete stranger, "too much info Himiko..." I whispered harshly just for her to hear. "Sorry boss" she said with a shrug. Dabi and the recruit sat next to each other putting Y/N in the between us.

"The famous, Tomura Shigarki, this feels unreal to be sitting in a room with someone with such an impact on the world" "Tryna sweet talk him already Y/N?" Dabi teased while circling the ring of his glass filled with an unknown drink. "Heh he wishes, bit honestly I do admire you guys for everything you do" "What is it that we do Y/N?" I cut to the chase. "Well standing for what you believe in you probably had TONS of people thinking you were crazy and think deserved to go to jail and maybe still do. The death threats the name calling the drama and trag talk from the news channels and interviewers that you guys run from, it's nice you guys found each other to share your belief with instead of thinking it's only you thinking like that. And starting to think 'maybe I am crazy?' y'know?"

I was actually stunned by her response I instantly thought she had a place her but we can't be too trusting after the Hawks incident (Dabi still wears that red feather...). "Hm interesting Mrs L/N" "Truly touching!" Twice said wiping a fake tear still, wearing his mask while Toga was leaning her head on Jin's shoulder. Spinner was uninterested in the meeting he was just messing with his knives. Dabi has stopped with the glass thing and leaned back in it's chair, satisfied. Spinner whispered "boring.." "Hush! Tell us another one pretty lady!" Toga exclaims "Yeah another!" Twice agrees while nodding profusely. They freeze looking uncomfortable and nervous with this recently added pressure and attention put on them just now. "Hey it was just one question you can't win a game just by pushing one button once, you see how talented they are~ So, Y/N how far are you willing to go for this cause?"

She sighed and then spoke "erm well I don't have much to give for this or much to stay for really so the only thing I had left beliefs, stubbornness, and dignity, I took and basically ran with it put everything into those same beliefs only for people to think I was 'thinking too much about it' and that the "heroes" help us' and then I found y'all. I'm ready to sacrifice most for this, if not that I don't know what else." "Very very impressive answers" I praised. "Ugh this is just my favorite thing. Emotional and heartfelt things , right Toga?" Toga was actually tearing up trying to hold back her tears, emotional bastards. "You made Toga cry! I'll never forgive you.." Twice said dragging his finger across his throat threatening them "-Im just kidding! It's all good she'll be fine, swear!"

"Just cuz she is a professional speaker doesn't mean anything ahead saying is true or that she had guts" Spinner announces. "Yeahh...or strength, stealth, talent or fearless they could just be a loser with nothing better to do" Dabi chimes in. Toga frowns in disappointment and Twice face changes into a mean face "how do we know we can trust her?" Twice says hugging Toga's neck due to height difference. Everyone's still on edge due to our last betrayal but we helped each other keep calm, stay open, and trusting. "Hey hey don't dogpile on our fan~ We'll give them test based off what you think a recruit should need wether it be paper test or physical trial and error. Are you up for that new player?" She nodded "then that settles it new player waits here you set up the test for them they'll do them then she's in after a few weeks or months of caution just in case. They all got up and ran into the living room to start working on their test, "It might take them a while get comfortable" I said closing the door behind me.

After training her and realizing she had a long way to go but still a valuable asset she's was a LOV member. Not too long after everyone went back to our LOV base (of course we wouldn't take her to our actual home just to train we were definitely smarter than that) while I stayed behind with the new recruit. "When are you gonna retreat home back to YOUR base huh~?" She turned in one of the conference chairs towards me holding her information and my notes on it. "You say I have looks, about 2 to 3 times on this y'know?" She says waving the paper around. I look down in slight embarrassment, "Not flirting just figuring you out for this exact game and see if your a perfect fit to be a player in it." She looked me up and down with a certain look I had to admit it was making me feel something.

"I can be a player in your game" "what?" "nothing." She tossed the paper down and walked over to me; she traced little circles onto my collarbone. Then slowly went down until she landed at my chest. She the rested her palm on it and pressed lightly. I tried holding in my sighs of pleasure but I let out a shaky low breath.

This player to say the least was.... advanced.

She put her unoccupied hand next to me on the wall practically pinning me there. "When was the last time you experienced this before huh?" She said looking at me with a smirk. I tried replying but closed my mouth due to embarrassment. To be honest I haven't done this, ever being a full time villain on the run isn't easy and makes no time for romantic things like relationships; only quick sex and hook ups which I wasn't into. She hummed quietly while her hand reached farther down my stiff body untill she reached the top of my pants, "Do you wanna do this, Boss?"

"Do you think you can just seduce me and her in the league?" "Oh, already KNOW I'm in no matter what the rest think 1. You need more members and 2. I see the way you look at me and the thoughts about me and my skill. Maybe I do need more teaching but I'm great to have on your side and even the rest know that. I don't need to use my body to prove to you, OR anyone else I already know I'm very capable. Now do you wanna do this or not?"

I nodded feeling me droll for her and whatever she wants to do to me. My pants feeling tighter than when I had out them on. My heart was beating so fast I was so excited this..rush is addicting almost. "I-I think you might be my favorite player"

"I better be"

*maybe I could make a part two?😏*~FifiTheAuthor

[astaroth1357]

Brothers React to a Demigod MC 

So, I've gotten some interest to do a Brothers follow-up to a previous request of mine (Undateables React to a Cute, Badass MC), however, I've thus far refused to write one. Honestly, this HC actually plays on a trope I personally dislike and had it not been a request I would have never done it to start with. I just can't see any reasonable way a non-magic human can beat a bunch of demons, I just can't, and that hinders my imagination quite a bit. …But someone who’s not so human? That I can get behind. Fair warning, I grew up with the Percy Jackson series so that’s going to paint quite a bit of how I see modern demigods. Ready for things to get super-ultra fanfic-y for a bit?

Intro:

The day to kidnap bring the exchange students to the Devildom has finally come and the demons have all gathered in the Council Room to open their portal to the human world. Really, things started without a hitch - the portal opened with and their future student dropped down out of it and landed on the floor… before they suddenly leapt up, pulled out a weapon, and lunged at them!

… This isn’t your normal human, it is?

Lucifer

Oh Devil, this couldn’t have been any farther than what they wanted… They were looking for a human and they managed to pull out a halfling! A divine halfling no less!! Why wasn’t this in their file?!

Look, Lucifer might not be on good terms with his father, but even he knows he had it better than any children of the pagan gods… The levels of petty vindictiveness that run through that bunch are literally the stuff of legends...

After he and Barbatos were able to restrain the MC before they hurt themselves or anyone else, Diavolo explained everything to them and gave them a pardon for attacking the Demon Prince on sight… After they identified themselves and their parentage, Lucifer knew they were in for some shit…

He and Diavolo had to iron out an apology letter to their godly parent for days just to keep from saying anything that could accidentally cause a second Troy or worse... It was a mess...

But on the bright side, the “human” came pre-prepared for fighting monsters and demons, which honestly took a bit of a load off his shoulders. That’s less responsibility for Mammon - and in his experience, the less responsibility Mammon has, the better things usually turn out.

… Though their ability to actually hold their own in a fight did make things complicated sometimes - like whenever he was their perceived opponent... 

He wasn’t expecting to have to manage a being that was actually capable of meeting him toe-to-toe on the battlefield and it did hinder his intimidation factor to some degree…It was hard to be threatening to someone who’s likely faced worse than you could ever offer.

In the end it probably worked out for the best, as a live exchange student is better for Diavolo than a dead one - but man did it get on his nerves until they made their pact together… Be scared of him, dammit!

Mammon

The first time he tried to threaten the human, they straight up pulled out a weapon and looked like they were ready to whip his ass!! Didn’t they know he wasn’t being serious?? 😫

He really didn’t know why he had to be on babysitting duty, anymore... This huma-er demigod could handle themselves just fine!

When he first ditched them with Levi, he later found out they managed to cleanly toss his brother over their head and make a break for it all by themselves! And Levi’s no pushover either!!

Later, he saw them getting ambushed on their way back from school and they soundly knocked out about five demons before he even caught up to them… and he’s, like, fast and stuff… 

Their strength is kind of unreal at times, but he could tell they were still far from a mindless killing machine. They were more or less a normal person, they had wants and dreams like anybody else, but they just happened to be a long stronger than the average mortals around them. 🤷‍♀️

After he eventually got to know them and a bit about how their life worked, he felt a little bad for them... Who wants to be hunted down just for being born?

After learning about their struggles, Mammon ended up resolving to help keep them safe (even if a part of him knew they didn’t need him that much).

I mean, if the whole world’s against you, then you can use all the help you can get... right?

Leviathan 

Levi found out exactly one thing about them within the first two minutes of meeting them… their reflexes were killer.

After Mammon ditched them on Day One, he tried to drag the human to his room to tell them his genius plan but they broke out of his grip and threw him flat on his back like was just second nature! 

He was stuck on the ground for a full minute, trying to process what just happened, while they ran off into the House all alone…

Did he just get tossed around… by a human?? Was he really that pathetic!?!

Finding out later that they were actually half-god certainly helped out his self-esteem because, man, if he had lost so easily to a human of all things... He might have just never left his room again…

Levi pretty much kept his distance from them until they finally made a pact together and then he discovered that the MC wasn’t so scary after all. If he’s being honest, being in the same house as a demigod was actually kind of cool...! 

Like, it was almost exactly the plot of the show: “Wait, I Thought I Was the Son of a Pagan God So What Am I Doing in a Christian Hell??” but their MC seemed to know a lot more about fighting than the protagonist of that show ever did…

Plus, because he never had to worry about their safety, he had even more excuse to never leave his room. Win-win!

Satan

A demigod, eh…? He had done plenty of research into human world mythologies in his spare time, frankly he thought the old gods had died out - but it seems they were still up and kicking… and making babies for whatever reason? Horny bastards...

Satan's original interest in the MC was purely academic. It’s not everyday that you get to meet someone of such a unique heritage and he fully intended to learn if all the legends about their greatness were true… and well...

He could say that the MC was certainly different than how he pictured humans being. He’d never met very many before, but from what he could gather they were a weak race that really got by on wit and persistence… However, nothing about the MC was weak.

Their aptitude for combat was surprisingly sharp, both in skill and reflexes. He had once blown up at them in anger and not only did they dodge his swipes but they got in a good few hits themselves with a nearby lamp… He never once thought a mortal could give him a black-eye but, somehow, they pulled it off. 🤷‍♀️

Combine their physical skill with what magical gifts were granted to them by their godly-half and they were a force to be reckoned with… Even Solomon seemed to hesitate and think more about his actions around them (which is saying something for a sorcerer of his strength).

It’d be fair to say a part of him grew to respect the MC long before they ever made their pact and that respect only grew afterwards. If he had to be bound to any master, human or otherwise, he’d rather it be one that he could right about consider an equal not only as a friend, but in strength as well.

Asmodeus 

A demigod…? Oooo, he hadn’t come across one of those since he bedded Aeneas all those centuries ago… Such a gorgeous man, got all his looks from his mother~! 🤭

Asmo was probably the most interested in their godly heritage, but it felt like he was treating them like a zoo exhibit for a while… Something pretty and new to look at, but not exactly someone he wanted to know personally...

He openly and readily admitted that watching their little demigod in action got him hot and bothered (or well, more hot and bothered than usual ) but it didn’t take him to see they weren’t interested at the time…

He decided that he just had to have a pact with them after they saved him from Henry 1.0! It was before he noticed the giant snake and he was lurching back to strike, but the human swept in to knock him out of the way. They probably could have made mince meat of the creature themselves if Levi weren’t begging for them to spare his former pet...

Post-pact Asmo treated them with a lot more respect… but also still fanboyed over their fighting skills hardcore. 

Like, their body had to be fit to keep up with all those monsters, right?? What was their training routine? Could he watch?? Oh please say he can watch!! He just can’t get enough of that fighter’s physique…! 😍

Beelzebub 

So… the human isn’t a human but only part human? And the other part is a god? Does that make them any sturdier than normal humans…? Call him curious…

Beel was probably one of the few brothers who was legitimately weary of the MC from the beginning… He can get a certain feel for a person pretty quickly and something about them just felt…frankly, kind of dangerous.

But they also intrigued him a little… Beel’s used to being one of the strongest demons in any room he walks into (not a boast, just a fact) so for him to get that feel from a mortal was pretty impressive. A part of him just wanted to test them… you know?

So. He did. He asked them to help him train his martial arts one day and even with his awareness, he was not expecting the results that he got.

The MC was strong. Very strong. They were not only able to keep up with him and dodge his blows, but they were able to predict his moves and counterattack in kind. They didn’t even need to tell him that they had actually been fighting for their life for years, he could tell. They had a skill you don’t get from practice matches...

After that point, the two would go to each other to train and keep their skills sharp… but also just to spar for fun. Their fighting styles made a pretty good match and they bonded pretty damn quick because of it. 

If anime tells us anything, when you find a good fight buddy, you stick with them. Even if one’s part god and the other is a demon. 🤷‍♀️ 

Belphegor 

A demigod is still human enough to hate, sorry MC. Not that he knew about their godly heritage at first…

Really, he should have been a little more suspicious of how easily they seemed to take to life in the Devildom... Weren’t demons supposed to scare humans? Why did they seem so comfortable down here...?

His confirmation only came when he tried to enact the final part of “Use the MC to Escape the Attic!” plan and take their life to seal the deal… but oh boy, was he outclassed real quick… 

The MC had already socked him in the jaw by the time he got his full demon form out and then they threw him across the room by the tail… the TAIL!! And it hurt like a bitch, too!! Even during the full blown fight that followed, he could tell they were holding back and it pissed him off something fierce...!

Why was the MC so strong?!? Humans weren’t supposed to be strong!!!

His brothers heard all the commotion and the Lilith confrontation ended up happening up in the attic between a somewhat beat-up Belphie and a barely-scratched MC. Had Beel not come to his defense on instinct, it might have turned out worse for him in all honesty… Something about that human just wasn’t right…

He only found out about their god-half after everything settled down and he promised not to try killing them again (not that anyone thought he could...) and that put some things into perspective. So the Lastborn Ruler of Hell isn’t as strong as one mortal demigod…? Ouch. Okay, fine then... Whatever...

He does think it’s too bad he missed them beating the crap out of the rest of his brothers, though (minus Beel)... That would have been fun to see. 😔

So I tried to keep this one God-parent neutral, but I’ve upgraded this to its own series! Check it out if you’re interested! 😊

Demigod MC Series: Intro, Aphrodite, Hermes

[lubdubsworld]

Akrasia.

Happy Birthday To the Golden Maknae.

Here’s a little treat in lieu of Jungkook’s 24th Birthday!!!

Canon Compliant. 

Jungkook x OC

Word Count : 10K. 

Genre : Mild Angst. ( Happy'Ending) Jungkook X OC

Akrasia (noun) 

PHILOSOPHY    the state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgement through weakness of will.

 Getting involved with someone like Jungkook is a bad idea. Do you even realize who he is? How much he’s worth? He’s easily one of the richest men in the country . He’s loved by everyone.

I wrapped the coat around myself, tighter. Everything that Lee Jiae had said was true. She was a popular idol . Someone who would actually make a good match for the Jeon Jungkook.

But even Jiae balked at the idea of going anywhere near someone like him.

Career suicide, she had said firmly. That would be career suicide, Areum. He has fangirls from all over the world. Billions of them. They will dig so deep into my past, find the most innocent of things and twist and turn it and the next thing I know, I’m being kicked out of my band, out of the company and on the streets. I don’t want that. And neither should you.

I shivered a bit. No, I thought honestly. I didn’t want that either. I was far from successful, just an up and coming soloist , with a very very niche fanbase. I did sell a lot of records and I made enough money to live comfortably but I was not a mainstream celebrity. I didn’t register on people’s radar because I stayed far away from the spotlight.

There was something about social media that made it a terrifying thing to me. It was so abstract and unreal and yet…it seemed almost like a sentient being.

A powerful sentient being that could potentially destroy my whole life.

It scared me.

And while Jungkook and BTS had conquered that particular monster, had leashed and saddled the beast and made it their own personal pet…. I didn’t want anything to do with that.

I don’t want that, I told myself firmly. I really don’t want that. I want to stay this way… make music I love… read the few dozen fan handwritten fan letters I received everyday, make the occasional appearance on a magazine cover and then just quietly retreat into my studio. I want this. And if I go anywhere near Jeon Jungkook, I’ll lose this. I’ll lose all of this.

My phone buzzed and I jumped, glancing around nervously. The late October wind was cold but not biting. Winter would come but not for a while. And yet my skin chilled in apprehension. I always felt guilty, picking up one of his calls in public. It felt like I was being watched, like everyone could hear me, on the phone …Could hear who I was talking to.

“Hello.” I whispered nervously, eyes flitting around to find a secluded spot in the park. It was early in the morning, still an hour away from sunrise and I quickly hopped over a small hedgerow and moved into a wooded area, away from the main path that had the occasional cyclist or jogger.

“You didn’t come.” His voice was honey, the way it dripped into my senses and made my breath catch. And yet it was the undercurrent of disappointment that tugged at my heart. Made guilt churn inside me in rapid little currents.

“Yes. Sorry.” I said quietly, picking my way past a few bushes to a bench a little way into the woods. It was rusty and damp because no one came here , and the darkness was absolute, only faintly broken by the dim glow of the streetlights hundred yards away. I settled into the bench nonetheless.

“Areum…. Don’t do this to me.” Jungkook said brokenly and I exhaled.

“I’m not doing anything. I’m being smart. And you should be too. You’re romanticizing something that was just…it was just a conversation. We had a conversation . That’s all that happened.” I said desperately. It was something I’d told myself over an over, these past few weeks. Weeks of avoiding his texts, of ignoring his calls.

Calls from his hyungdeul.

That had given me a whole heart attack.

“You’re just going to ignore me then? Toss my feelings away like they don’t matter?” He asked quietly and my heart clenched.

“You …” I shook my head.” You need to understand something. I’m not going to do this. I can’t afford to. I told you already Jungkook…we spent one evening talking..that’s it…we’re not dating..we don’t know each other well enough for you to be saying that you have feelings for me-“

“And I told you I don’t fucking care. “ He said sharply. “ One day… One hour…who cares? I believe in soulmates. Call me foolish and dumb but I do and when I saw you I felt that. And I know you felt it too.”

My mind flashed back to that evening. It was a private birthday party for a mutual friend. Barely a dozen of us had attended and Jungkook had been sneaking glances at me all evening, completely oblivious to the ay every woman in the room had their gaze glued on him. The party hadn’t been my thing at all and I’d sneaked away to the private terrace, accessible only through a rickety old fire escape and to my utter shock he had followed me up there.

The stars had been exceptionally bright that night,  but with Jungkook sitting on the tiled roof next to me, gazing at me with all that adoration, his doe  eyes had seemed to hold more of them than the night sky.

“What do you want, Jungkook?” I asked quietly.

“I want you. I know you want me. We …we understand each other. I want the same things you do. Do you even fucking realize how rare that is? To find someone who shares the same thoughts, the same dreams as you do? Who looks at the world the way you do… I… I am not foolish enough to think that there’s another girl out there who could connect to me the way you do. You call that a conversation…just a conversation…. Did you forget what kind of a conversation it was?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three weeks ago  

The party had barely started and I was already itching to run home. There was a particular song lyric , stuck in my head like a loop and I wanted to put it on paper as soon as possible. I had this thing where seeing something on print helped me to elaborate on an idea. Directed my train of thought in that particular direction if you willed.

Mingyu was walking around, talking to his friends and making them laugh with his witty banter but I didn’t miss the way he shot me little glances. I gave him a quick thumbs up though, to let him know I was okay. He was a childhood friend, one of the few people I’d stayed in touch with through the years. And of course, being in the same industry meant a lot of shared interests.

I moved to the side bar with the drinks and appetizers, ordering myself a diet coke before hopping onto one of the stools. I watched the dozen or so people here….His bandmates, some other idols. I recognized Yugyeom from GOT7. They were all dressed in dressy casuals : flashy shirts and tight jeans and racy little dresses and I felt out of place in my long jean skirt and tasseled leather jacket.

Sighing, I turned back to my drink when a commotion near the door made me look up.

I felt my eyes widen when I saw who it was.

The Jeon Jungkook. From BTS.

I stared at him as did pretty much every person in the room.  Jungkook was easily one of the most handsome men I’d ever seen in my life, tall and just…big. I stared at the broad shoulders, the huge arms and the taut line of his abdomen, tapering into a narrow waist and long, long legs with muscular thighs. He was wearing a black shirt, unbuttoned all the way to his chest and skinny blue jeans with black boots.

I smiled, genuinely awed. Jungkook looked every bit like the untouchable superstar he was and I considered that the party hadn’t been a waste after all. The chances of me running into someone like that in person were pretty slim.

Almost at once he was surrounded and I watched as his ears turned red, gaze shifting away and an almost soft shyness in the way he bowed politely . A hesitation to be put on the spot but also a need to stay polite , probably. Laughing a bit , I watched him some more and then his gaze lifted to mine. To my surprise, his eyes went wide in what was clearly recognition.

What.

I watched as he quickly bowed and said something to the people around him before picking his way to me. My entire body went taut with surprise.

“Lee Areum ssi…” He stuttered, eyes wide and I could only gape. “ I’m a huge fan.”

I blinked.

What.

What.

“You know who I am?” I asked , mildly horrified and he laughed nervously, shaking his head and rubbing the back of his palm across his nose before laughing a little.

“Your voice is just… something about your songs…they help me sleep when I’m too exhausted to relax.” He said softly and I felt warmth pool inside me.

“Too exhausted too sleep. That doesn’t sounf good...”

Jungkook chuckled.

“Its not. It usually happens when we’re preparing for a comeback. It different with concerts you know…we’re exhausted because we’ve been running around …singing…its all physical…mostly. And that’s easy to brush aside and sleep. But comebacks…there’s that nervousness. The worry that things may not be as good as they were. Constantly having to keep up to standards. “ He shook his head. “ it can get exhausting.”

It was something deep and oddly tragic and I was stunned that he’d shared something so… personal. To a literal stranger. But the urge to soothe..to comfort and reassure him in some way was over powering.

Instinctively, I leaned closer and lightly touched his forearm .

“But you are the standard, now, Jungkook ssi. What BTS has done, others can only dream of reaching. You’ve brought this….utopian idea that you can love yourself just the way you are… and that’s amazing. I understand the need to meet expectation but I think you’ve earned the right to sleep without being burdened by them.”

Jungkook didn’t reply, staring into my eyes and I felt my pulse kick up a notch, my eyes taking in the beautiful features and my throat went dry when his gaze dropped to where my fingers lightly brushed the soft fabric of his shirt sleeve.  

“Oppa…Let’s dance.” A shrill voice behind him made us both jump and I quickly pulled my hand away. Panicking, I turned away from him fully, ducking my head so my hair could cover my face. There was a dull roaring in my head, making it hard to hear what he was saying but a second later he moved away from the bar and I exhaled sharply.

Shaking I turned back to my drink.

Another twenty minutes of trying to avoid looking at Jungkook, I gave up. This wasn’t my kind of place at all and after a quick word with Mingyu, I moved to the small balcony in the side, desperate for some fresh air. But the moment I stepped out, my eyes fell on the rickety ladder like stairs, rusty and clearly a death trap. I quickly moved to the ledge and peered up at the roof. It was a little inclined but nothing dangerous. And there was a barricade that would break my fall, just in case I slipped.

Thrilled at the prospect of doing something that was both foolish and fancy free, I quickly, climbed on to the ladder, climbing all the way over to the top and throwing my legs over the iron railing before carefully walking overt to the center of the roof. Grinning to myself, I settled on the slightly damp tiles.

“You’re lucky the ladder didn’t break .” Jungkook’s voice made me yelp and I stared as he quickly jumped over the railing himself, grinning and wiping his hands on his thighs.

“Oh my god, people are going to find us here!” I hissed, terrified and he laughed.

“Don’t worry. I told them I’m going home.”

“You lied?” I shook my head in disbelief and Jungkook hummed.

“Did I?” He pretended to think. “ Doesn’t feel like I did.”

It took me a few seconds for the implication to sink in.

I looked away, blushing a bit.

“Did I come on too strong?” He moved to sit next to me, just a foot away.

I shook my head.

“No. I’m just.. I didn’t expect you to know me. We don’t exactly run in the same circles.”

“There’s a very cliché line in my head about how you’ve been running in circles in my head for a long time but I’ll save that for our first date.” He said with a laugh and I blushed deeper.

“Date?” I shook my head, “ That’s not funny.”

“Good. Because it wasn’t a joke. Let me take you out to dinner sometime.”

I stared at him, trying to look for the punchline because even if he denied it, it was still laughable. The mere idea of it.

“Don’t turn me down Areum ssi.” He said softly and I swallowed.

“I won’t if you take it back.” I said quietly.

He sighed.

“Then…when you sang about wanting to give love a chance…wanting to free fall for once without worrying about the rocks at the bottom of the cliff, wanting to soar into the sky without thinking of the ropes trying to tether you to the ground….were you joking?”

I gaped at him.

“that’s.. those are… Those are lines from before my debut.” I said shakily.

“Like I said… I’ve been a fan for a long time.” Jungkook whispered.

The night was magical. Cool and refreshing and the night sky was resplendent, the lack of clouds offering a stellar view of the stars and yet, I found myself drawn to the galaxies swirling in his doe eyes. The strong nose and the cherry red lips, now being worried between slightly large front teeth as he stared at me with all the nervousness of a young boy.

But he wasn’t a boy. He was a man.

And this wasn’t a love song.

This was real life.

“Free falling is fun when you don’t know what you’re falling into. But when you do know that there’s a lot of pain at the end of the fall, its not something you want to experience.”

“Areum…”

“I’m flattered.” I said quickly. “ Beyond flattered…really. But… I can’t.”

“Okay. But don’t leave. Stay here with me.. for a while. Let’s talk.” He said quickly.

Jungkook was handsome and the night was still young. This maybe the last time I would ever see him and I was honest. It was flattering, receiving attention from someone like that.

I hesitated before sighing and nodding.

“Okay…let’s talk.” I smiled, throwing caution to the winds.

And talk we did. About everything and nothing. As the night grew darker, Jungkook relaxed next to me, laughing as he shared anecdotes about his members, about his family, about his brother. And then naturally about how successful they were these days and Jungkook told me that there was always a downside to fame but he enjoyed the love he received. That he loved his fans for how they treated him and his brothers.

“Fame comes with a price but it’s a small price to pay…being loved for what I do..being accepted the way I am…it feels good.” He said quietly.

“It’s not always that way though.” I pointed out honestly. “ You guys are … I won’t say lucky because you’ve definitely worked hard but you’ve been more fortunate than the rest. Sometimes the spotlight can be a terrifying place to be.”

“you forget that we were once one of the most hated idols in the country..” He laughed. “ Trust me I know.”

“I didn’t know about you guys till you got on the Billboard. And you’re an amazing singer as well.” I said softly.

He grinned , playing with the bracelets on his wrist.

“Thank you.” He said sweetly.

We stayed quiet for a few seconds, staring up at the sky.

“I’ve never been attracted to fame.” I told him honestly.” Of course it holds its charms I suppose but I’ve always preferred the quiet of being obscure, you know. Like this secret that only a few get to learn in their lifetime.” I laughed. “ A hidden treasure maybe? Its why I started a Youtube channel instead of auditioning. Because only people who genuinely liked my music would get more of me. ” I smiled.

Jungkook hummed.

“When you first started singing your own songs on your YouTube channel? It was kind of around the same time we won our first daesang…” He smiled. “ In the MMA.”

“Oh…Really?” I asked surprised. That was nearly five years ago.

“Yeah. And till then..it was just your voice that I got to hear. You talked a bit but mostly it was just you covering someone else’s songs. And well, after we won the daesang I felt …lonely? Kind of? Scared maybe. And then you sang, ‘ White Dove’ a couple of days later and the lyrics…they just resonated with me you know. It made me feel like I knew you… Like you were a friend.”

I swallowed.

“I..thank you.” I whispered quietly, staring at my hands.

“And when you refused to sign with SM or YG. You also refused to monetize your videos on Youtube. You said your voice was your gift and you didn’t want to make money from something you’d received for free yourself. That …I loved that.”

“You’re like that too. You post your covers and songs on soundcloud for free as well.” I said quietly and he smiled.

“Like I said…we have a lot in common.” He smiled.

I smiled, shaking my head.

“I envy you.” He said quietly and I glanced at him.

“Hmm?”

“You’re just… You’re so untouched by all this. By me. It may sound incredibly narcissistic but people swoon when they see me for the first time but…you’re just you…. And that just makes me remember that you’re amazing and beautiful and you have such beautiful mind and you’re just… you’re so far out of my league. You’re so content with what you have and I wish I could be that way….But I …I can’t help but be greedy.”

“Greedy?”

“To do more. To want more. I know I should be happy that I even got to meet you . I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in these two hours , sitting here talking to you. But I’m still greedy for more.” He stared at me with an intensity that was electric.

“More what?” I laughed.

“More of this. More of you. More of you and me together. More of us.”

“Us?” I laughed, shaking my head. “ There’s no us , Mr. Jungkook . you need to forget about that.”

“ I don’t think I can.” He said suddenly.

I felt the smile fade from my face.

“Jungkook.”

“Your song … Utopia… where you write about your idea of the perfect world. I… I loved it.” He said shakily.

“Jungkook , wait…”

“All of these days, when I listened to your songs, I would make it personal.. It would be about how those words applied to my life but with Utopia… that world you talk about …where you can be yourself, where you can sing whatever you want, be whoever you want…. When I heard that song…it became about you. About us.. I… that world you dream of.. I want to give that to you.”

My jaw dropped and I exhaled in disbelief.

“Do you realize how ridiculous that is? Your fans…our companies… Everyone will lose their minds.” I whispered, horrified.

He nodded.

“I know. I know I shouldn’t ask you this. Because it goes against my better judgement. But I can’t help. I still want to choose this. Choose you. So if there’s a word for that.. That is how I feel.”

“I.. I should go.” I said nervously, making to move but he reached out an gently gripped my wrist.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” He asked quietly and I shook my head.

“No.. I don’t.” I said quietly.

“Good. Because neither do I. But I do believe in people who can understand you better than anyone else can. Just give me a chance. One date.”

I stayed quiet staring at my feet. There was so much to consider but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him and say no. He looked so hopeful.

“I’m busy for a couple of weeks. But there’s a beautiful terrace restaurant in Itaewon that I know. We’ll have complete privacy . I’ll get my chauffeur to pick you up. No one ill know. I just want to spend some time with you over dinner and if you have a good time….. we can meet again.”

And then what?

“I…I’ll try. But I can’t promise anything.“ I said honestly.

“That’s good enough for me. Can I have your number at least?” He asked finally.

I nodded and quietly put it into his phone.

“I’ll make the reservation and send you the details. And Areum?”

I glanced up at him.

“I’ve been free falling since I met you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.

“I do.” I said quietly. “ I do remember.”

“I haven’t stopped falling. I keep listening to your songs on loop… Because I can’t bear the thought of being away from you , of not being connected to you in some way…”

“You’re so .. you’re so intense.” I whispered shakily and he laughed.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry. It’s just the way I am… I’m here you know. The restaurant I told you about. And my chauffeur is at your home. But he told me he couldn’t find you. It’s the middle of the night . where are you?”

I sighed.

“In the park opposite my house.”

Jungkook didn’t respond for a second.

“Do you want me to ask him to leave?” He asked quietly.

I took a deep breath.

“ Akrasia. “ I breathed out nervously.

“What…”

“its when someone makes a decision…against their better judgement.” I laughed nervously. “When we had that conversation , you asked me if there was a word for it. For acting against your better judgement. Akrasia is the word you’re looking for .”

He stayed quiet on the other end.

“Okay.” He said finally. “ Well, are you going to be akratic with me?” he said finally.

“Ask your driver to leave for now. And come meet me in my apartment tomorrow. I’ll make you dinner.”

Jungkook didn’t respond.

“That way we’ll have more privacy.” I said softly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dating Jungkook was a lot of pain. Just as I’d anticipated. It was sitting by and watching him work himself down to the bone. It was watching people throw themselves at him and not being able to say a word. To the world he was single. And the number of women who called and hounded him was unnatural.

And he worked so hard that my heart ached for him.

One night, he missed dinner and I couldn’t reach him on the phone. I stayed up , sitting on my bed, waiting.

He came back at exactly at three in the morning. He didn't turn on the light but the moonlight through the window was sufficient to let me know that he looked terrible. i watched him shrug out of his jacket, leaning against the table , long legs crossed and crisp white shirt unbuttoned. He tugged at his tie with a sort of tired , half hearted gesture and i smiled.

i watched him for sometime, seeing him shrug out of his shirt and change into a simple white t shirt. He moved with a sort of graceful strength. Like every single cell of his body had the same confidence that he did. 

It was like a dream, i realized as another dull ache of pain twisted my heart. It was like i'd slept and woken up in someone else's dream. A dream where it was okay for me to look at him and feel things for him , without fighting to convince herself that it was dangerous. That it was going to end in heartbreak.  

As i watched him prepare for bed, i wondered when I had started falling so hard.  

The sound of the door closing, made me look up , shaken out of my thoughts. Jungkook was locking the door behind him. 

When he moved to the bed, i decided to let him know that i was awake. 

"You're back?" i said softly. 

He hesitated, clearly startled , before smiling at me. It was a weak smile, one that practically screamed exhaustion and i sat up straighter,  watching as he moved to me side and gently stroked me hair. 

"Why aren't you asleep?" He smiled. 

"I was waiting for you." i said honestly holding my hand out and he took it, kissing it obediently. 

"you'll have to wait longer, I'm afraid. I have a meeting tomorrow morning with PDnim and I still haven't prepped for it. I need to get an hour's sleep and get back to work. " Up close he looked so tired that i felt my heart clench in panic. 

"You don't look good." i said, alarmed as i realized that his skin had a distinctively grayish tinge to it.

"Comeback times are always that way. Never good for my health." He said teasingly. He checked his phone messages before turning to me and smiling.  

"I see you've been cutting back on the pain killers... are you feeling better than?" He asked. I’d been down with some menstrual cramps earlier and I was touched that he remembered, even in the mess of his schedule.

"I wish you wouldn't change the topic everytime I try to show concern for you."  i said , a little bit annoyed. He grinned and touched my cheek with his forefinger. 

"Just the fact that you are concerned is enough for me . anything more and I might die of happiness. you don't want that do you?" He winked. 

Deciding that it was impossible to talk with the man, i asked him if he wanted something to drink. 

He shook his head and climbed in next to me but before laying down, he turned to me. 

He hesitated. 

"Will you lend me your shoulder for the night?" He said softly , placing his hand there. 

i sighed as he leaned against me . His skin felt warm against me, his hair lightly tickling me cheekbones and i threaded me finger through the silky strands. 

In just a few seconds, he was fast asleep. 

I stayed awake, watching the room grow steadily brighter, the weak winter sun gently finding its way into the room , much like the way the man in my arms was gently finding his way into my heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"We should get a house, don't you think?" i said two months later, sitting up in bed , eating dinner while i watched him work on his files. He'd placed the desk in the far corner of the room, giving me the perfect view. And i was beginning to enjoy it a lot more than the one i could see out the window. 

" A house? " Jungkook stopped and looked up. " You want to live with me ? Just the two of us?" He smiled.

Well, when he put it that way. I balked and ducked my head. 

"It's too soon isn't it..I'm sorry I don't know why I..."

"What kind of a house would you prefer? Flat? Penthouse? Apartment? Duplex? Tell me....I'll get you the listings and you can pick out the ones you like . When you get better we can go pick one out." He grinned at me and i relaxed against the pillows , while he went back to his files. 

"I read something online…” i said casually . He didn't look up, merely humming to acknowledge that he'd heard me. 

"Did you date Lee Hyeri ?" i finally said. He stopped and looked at me. 

"Yes. Many months ago. I broke up with her because I wasn’t feeling anything serious and I didn’t want to lead her one. She didn’t take it very well. ." He said softly, moving towards the bed and sitting on the edge. As was his habit, he reached for my hand, holding it in his and tracing circles with his thumb.

“She called me.” I said quietly and he stiffened.

“Shit.”

I laughed.

“She wanted to meet me . Wanted to talk about something although I have an idea what. I’m not going to indulge her though.”

“If she calls again, you should tell her that her obsession is bordering on stalking and I’m on the verge of getting a restraining order. She turned up at my studio too. Went on an on about how I broke her heart and cheated on her . ”

 i hesitated , looking away from him and smiling. 

"I don't know . Should I?" i shook my head. i hesitated, pulling my hand away from him. "What else did she say?" i said suddenly, remembering how angry she had sounded on the phone.

"Nothing, you need to worry about. Are you done with this? Shall I clean it up?" He reached for my dinner tray and i grabbed his wrist. 

"where are you going?  You should tell me what she said." i protested, but he gently pried my fingers off before dropping a kiss on me forehead .

"And You should tell me when you're going to start staying over at my apartment.. It's going to snow in a few days. Or so they say. I thought you might like to enjoy the first snow with me..." He smiled . 

I took the subtle hint to drop the subject.

"You're being too wonderful. It makes my heart ache." i snuggled into my bed and pouted at him. He laughed at that. 

"Take rest. I have a meeting right now. I'll be back late so you should sleep." 

I watched him leave, feeling oddly bereft. I was growing to love him deeply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As with every couple in the world, our fights were often over the silliest things.

"You're still angry." I said casually, watching him work on his documents, the low burning desk light setting his features in sharp relief. He looked at me for a second and shook his head.

"I'm not angry , Areum. I'm busy. There is a difference." He said with a sigh, rubbing the heel of his palm into his eye. I watched the gesture and sat up straighter in bed, leaning over the side to stare at the clock there. It read 1.15 Am.

"It's snowing." I said softly, getting one my knees and peering out the windows. Through the haze of moonlight, I watched the small flakes drift down over the neatly cut hedgerows, making each segment of the garden look like neat cut slices of cake with vanilla cream frosting. I grinned at the little wisps of cotton white snow, clinging to each little branch on the trees and felt my heart swell with joy. 

"I suppose you're too busy to make good on your promise." I said naughtily, peering over my shoulder to glance at him. 

"Promise?"

"That you'll walk with me , in the first snow." I said, turning around and getting out of bed, slipping my feet into my fur slippers. I watched him fight with himself , the emotions warring across his handsome face and held my breath.

finally he sighed and stood up. I tried to keep the triumphant grin off my face and failed miserably. I felt awful, because deep down I had known that no matter how angry or upset he was, Jungkook would never break a promise. And I'd worded my request that way, just to take advantage of that little chink of honor that he always lived by. 

"Alright then. Let's go take a walk in the first snow." He said softly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You love snow."

"How did you know that?" I said surprised, lightly grabbing the low lying branch till it showered both of us with soft white flakes. 

"You make these little sounds , everytime you see  snow. I've noticed it from the time we met." Jungkook grinned . 

I laughed and turned away. I felt like I was standing in the middle of a fairytale, the white landscape making me feel like some exotic Ice Queen. I walked ahead of him, running a few steps till I was about ten feet ahead of him. I turned around, facing him as I walked backwards. He laughed at that. 

"Be careful. The snow looks soft but the fall will hurt." He warned me, putting his hands in his pockets and narrowing his shoulders to fight the chill. I smiled and shook my head.

"I want to look at you and make sure that you're not angry with me anymore." I said, enjoying the way he rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I'm not angry. I told you that."

"Yes. You did. But i didn't tell you I'm sorry, did I?" I said softly, stopping in my tracks and watching as he drew closer. Jungkook gave me a curious glance, walking slowly till he was just in front of me.

"I'm sorry I said I'll leave you." I said honestly. He looked surprised but smiled nonetheless.

"Duly noted." He bowed his head, tipping an imaginary hat at me. Smiling, I turned around I ran a few more steps and instinctively knelt on the ground

"Don't ." He said suddenly. 

I  looked up from where I was gathering a handful of snow. I gave him an innocent smile. 

"What?" 

"I know what you're thinking. don't do it." He said, taking a step back. I felt a thrill of anticipation shoot through me, realizing that the big bad wolf was actually scared of being hit by a snowball. 

"You should know why I like snow so much.." I grinned with mischief and he gave me a look of disbelief.

"I don't think you can hit me. You're forgetting that i'm an expert at taekwondo.”

I held my hand up and threw , cursing when he casually stepped out of the way, laughing at the look on my face. 

"You have to concentrate on what you're doing. Anticipate my next move and react accordingly." He advised, bending down to get some snow for himself. 

"React to this!!" I grabbed two handfuls of snow and ran straight at him, grinning as I leapt on him.

We landed on the snow, Jungkook  on his back and I right on top of him, laughing as I smeared the snow on his face. He spluttered in disbelief and swiftly, threw his weight over, pinning me to the ground and straddling me, fingers swiftly grabbing my wrists and pushing my hands over my head, leaving me vulnerable and helpless, as he shook his head , showering me with ice cold flakes. 

I squeaked in surprise and he laughed hard.

Watching him laugh, full and open , I realized that I'd never watched him laugh that way before.

He looked exhilarated. 

Yanking my hand out of his grasp, I grabbed his collar, pulling him down for a kiss. 

the first touch of his lips to mine, felt like the sweetest, coolest sip of crystal waters after a lifelong thirst . 

I sank into the snow, sighing into the sweetness and the gentle pressure of his lips against me, the first touch of his tongue, making heat seep through my body, despite the cold. I curled my fingers into the fur near his neck, smiling into the kiss as he slipped one hand into my hair, gently tilting my head for better access. 

He kissed me softly. He kissed me deeply.

He kissed me like that was what he'd been put on the earth to do. 

But mostly he kissed me like that was all he wanted .

It was so absurdly romantic that I wanted to laugh .

I could catch whiffs of his scent, even though my eyes were watering and mey nose felt like it was running. Some elusive cologne mixed with the scent of  clean male skin . It made me heat up in ways that curled my toes in my fur boots. Each little kiss lasted a little longer than the one before, till I was certain that I was going to melt into the snow. And each little breath felt like a little wisp of my soul leaving my body and mingling with his. 

We kissed and kissed and kissed, while the snow fell in white flakes around us .

First Snow. first kiss, I thought happily. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After our little episode in the garden, I found that I felt something akin to desperation everytime I came in contact with Jungkook.

It's not that I woke up one day and realized that something had changed in the way I watched Jungkook.

. That my eyes lingered, not just on his face but on the curve of his lips, the edge of his jaw, the exposed skin of his neck. My fingers wanted to reach out and  grip, not just the strength of his shoulders and the slender digits of his hand but also his lean waist.

I began losing my mind, slowly and painfully. Suffocating when Jungkook got too close , choking when he went away too far.

As they spent time together, Jungkook began touching me.

. Not too often and never in an intrusive way , but every time his fingers traced the back of my palm or brushed back my hair, my  throat went dry and my heart stopped pumping blood and I felt like like a fool because I had no idea if Jungkook felt half of what I was feeling.

In fact I was certain that Jungkook didn’t feel anything at all.

What I was feeling was painful and confusing and if Jungkook felt any of it, he would be running as far away from me as possible, not moving closer and closer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why are you so nervous?” Jungkook laughed and I bit my nails nervously, glancing around the reception hesitantly. The workers were all busy, no one spared us so much as a glance but I couldn’t help but feel terrified.

“It’s only us here? For the whole weekend? No one else?” I asked again for the hundredth time.

Jungkook groaned, shaking his head and ignoring me, holding his hand out for the keys to our cottage. I yelped a bit when he began walking away without waiting for me, running to keep up with his long strides.

“Sorry…I just don’t want you to get in trouble.” I said quietly, slipping my hand into his, linking our fingers together and smiling a little.

He squeezed my hand gently before pulling away to wrap me in a one armed huge, pressing a kiss to my neck.

“I booked the entire resort for the weekend. The staff have all signed a confidentiality agreement. No one is going to know we’re here. You can be as loud as you want.” He whispered and I yelped, hitting his chest,” let me finish….” He laughed. “ When you yell at me. You can be as loud as you want when you yell at me.”

“You’re a terrible person.” I whispered , burying my face into his arm in mortification.

Jungkook merely laughed .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You seem tense." He said that evening, as the pair of us sat on the back deck , glasses of bubble tea in hand , watching the waves break out on the rocks. Slow but persistent , gradually breaking the rock's resistance and carving its way into its heart.

"Can we ever …truly be relaxed ?" I asked , a little bit of desperation in my tone. Jungkook didn’t turn to look at me . Instead he took a picture of the rocks and the sea with his phone.

"That's a pretty loaded question. With a lot of answers."

I stared  at him, wondering why I was more confused now than before.

"Sometimes I can't understand you at all." I said quietly, shaking my head.

“Do you understand that I love you?” He said softly.

I hesitated before nodding.

“That’s the only thing that matters to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The boys dropped by for a visit the next day.

I sat down on the open deck, opposite Namjoon for a game of chess. Jungkook slid into the armchair next to me.

"Are you winning?" Jungkook asked quietly and I shot  him a glare, which gets a smile in return promptly. It was like he always knew what to say , how to manipulate my thoughts and emotions, how to make me look and feel a certain way , just so he could steal that part of mr away.

How evil.

At first I didn’t  notice that he was sitting a bit too close for comfort, because as such, we've lived on top of each other for quite a while now. But after a while I became  aware of the warmth of his thigh, solid and strong against my own, evident even through the layers of jean separating them.

I  tried to move away, surreptitiously, but Jungkook only moved closer.

"Try this."

His fingers fluttered over my thigh, intentionally or not I would never know, reaching for my queen and I tried not to jump out of my skin, gritting my teeth as my muscles stiffened, my nerves tingling like electric.

I licked my lips and Jungkook’s  eyes flickered up at the movement, a gentle smile tugging at his lips and my gut clenched in embarrassment. But the brunette moved even closer, his bare arm now brushing against mine  and I had to swallow the desperate urge to get up and just run.

"Well, this is entertaining." Namjoon said suddenly and i looks at my opponent for the first time since Jungkook’s  arrival. Namjoon was leaning back in his armchair, amusement shining out of his eyes .

I scrambled  in a bid to put space between Jungkook and I and failed miserably.

"He's just helping me with chess." I said desperately.

"Oh, is that what they call it these days?" Namjoon leaned forward looking very intrigued.

Jungkook reached out and clonked him on the head but his eyes were laughing and I wondered how this was going to end. I wanted it. Wanted to take that final step with Jungkook but I was also so , so scared.

Would it change things. For the better? For worse?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook, I soon realized, took the way I was shying away from him , as some sort of a twisted challenge to get closer than ever. The more I moved away, the closer Jungkook gets , touching me in gentle intimate little touches and every time he did,  a slow simmering fire started at the pit of my stomach, reaching out in gentle upward licks , drying my throat and turning my insides into molten goo.

She's almost tempted to ask Jungkook if he feels the same way but she's saved the trouble later that week.

"I want you."

I froze on the spot, fingers stopping in mid air, inches from picking up a slice of apple, neatly placed on the tray. We were in the dining room,  Jungkook sitting with a set of files spread out in front of him and me with a knife and a few uncut apples in a basket.

"You..what?" I squeaked.

" I'm attracted to you and I really want to have sex with you." Jungkook said  , almost carefully.

Like he was announcing the weather. Like his words weren’t carefully calculated to turn my world upside down.

"Alright. " I whispered, not even sure what else I could say to that.

I stole a glance at Jungkook who was grinning from ear to ear. I felt blush rushing up my body, the blood flooding my face so quick it made me dizzy..

"Don't .. Don't look at me like that." I whispered, mortified to sound like a sixteen year old girl.

"Do you want me to leave now?" Jungkook reached out , placing a soft hand on my palm and it took all my  willpower not to grab Jungkook and hug him. Instead I managed a weak smile. My mind was a few seconds away from collapsing in on itself and I was too stunnedto think straight.

So I answered the question at face value.

"No, I don't want you to leave now. "

"Okay. Go ahead, eat your fruit. It's good for you."

Jungkook smiled again, serene and perfectly at peace with the world.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At eleven thirty on Saturday night, both Jungkook and I sneaked out of the hotel, arms laden with our picnic basket and coats draped over our shoulders. Once we reached  large pond in the outer edge of the property, Jungkook made quick work of the blanket, spreading it out on the artificial lawn that surrounded it.

I settled down on it, reaching out and dipping my legs in the water. It's a bit chilly but only for a second. I wriggled my toes playfully and Jungkook slipped a bit closer to me, letting his foot sink in next to mine.

We played around for a while, splashing water on each other and then I pulled my legs out.

"You okay?" Jungkook asked softly and I turned around to stare at him , a little apprehensive. There are so many things wrong with this , a part of me screams. But there's a part of me that longs, so badly , for this simplicity. Longs and has longed, all my life. Just this, the chance to relax and be myself and play around with water in the moonlight.

"I'm not sure." I admitted, honestly.

"Tell me. " Jungkook said and for once his voice isn't relaxed. Instead it's a bit urgent and anxious.

"We're not... I’m so scared that we'll never make it, you know." I sighed, dipping my legs back into the water, just as Jungkook pulled his out.

"Why? Because of the media ?" There’s a hint of bitterness in his voice and I hated myself for bringing this up. We were supposed to be spending time together, enjoying each other’s company. I wasn’t sup[posed to be ruining the mood like this.

"It's nothing. I just.. I don't want you to get hurt." I said honestly.

"Because of you? Because I'm with you?" Jungkook's voice was lot softer now, the bitterness replaced by concern.

"I.. Yes.. I mean... I'm.."

"You're a gorgeous young woman who is intelligent and charming. Why would I ever give you up?" Jungkook asked, reaching out and wrapping an arm around my shoulder but I couldn’t help but sigh.

"That's.. that's not what everyone else thinks." I reminded him. “ And that not what they’ll say, if you ever tell them the truth about us.”

"No it isn't. And I won't say something stupid like , it doesn't matter what others think. Because it does, I know it does. And it's going to hurt. In fact I think it would hurt you a lot more than it would hurt me. But if I don't... If I don't take a chance with us... that's going to hurt me too. So its a choice. I can either  choose to get hurt by people I don't give a damn about , and in return I get... get to be with someone I really...like…..

"Or, I give up the woman I love and get hurt by my own decision. " Jungkook finished.

"We hurt either way." I smiled bitterly, Jungkook's words making a lot of sense.

"Yes. All you need to choose is , what's worth the hurt? Being with me, or society's approval?" Jungkook leaned forward slightly and I blinked.

We stayed that way staring at each other for a second and then he pulled away and sighed deeply.

"I've already chosen, I. I'm not pushing you, but I hope you'll pick me." He said quietly.

I stared into the night, thoughtfully. So easy, I told myself. So easy to turn around right now and kiss Jungkook, tell him that I didn’t deserve so much happiness. That my heart was so light, I wanted to spout wings and fly.

So easy but so frightening.

The wind picked up somewhere and somehow a draught found its way inside and I shivered a little, only to have a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulder. Jungkook snuggled in with me and we huddled together

My thoughts tripped over each other  and I wanted to run away but I stayed still, letting the gentle lap of the water against my toe, calm my inner turmoil.

"It's just you and me." Jungkook whispered, " Right now. Just you and me. Let's pretend we're the only ones on the planet."

I turned around to the brunette in surprise but Jungkook's looking out into the water, lit by a full moon from the skylight.

"Just you and me. " He said absently and I nodded, looping my fingers with Jungkook's. We sat in silence, pressed against each other and I waited till the moon slipped behind a cloud before turning around, slightly, and pressing my lips against Jungkook's.

It's soft and very short, over before it even begins and Jungkook smiled into the kiss.

  Explicit Content : 

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook teasingly pushes her back and Areum falls back against the soft mattress, like she's been shoved. She melts into the kiss and then Jungkook’s lips move away, dragging his teeth and tongue over the exposed expanse of her neck, lightly sucking and biting and then soothing with his tongue. Areum gasps and struggles and fights for air, before dragging their lips together again.

Jungkook kisses her until she's splayed flat against the bed, eyes wide and lost and lips parted, blush staining her cheeks and then Jungkook's reaching out to the table and pulling his camera , snapping a picture.

"You're such a weirdo!" Areum laughs , too turned on to be annoyed.

"No, just a man. A man in love." Jungkook leans down, pushing his hips down into hers and she gasps at the friction. They make quick work of their jeans and suddenly its skin on skin and she's not sure if she's doing this right.

"Jungkook.. I..I.."

"Hey, relax. I got you." Jungkook holds her close, just holding her, cradling her almost and the familiar words smooth away her apprehensions and he's moving closer, trying to pull more sounds out of her, his lips tracing the line of her chest, tongue swirling around one nipple before moving down and down, dipping lightly into her belly button.

And then the camera is tossed to the side, Jungkook flipping them over with ease , his lips moving down , tongue dipping into the curve of her waist down and then further down , lightly licking at the sensitive bundle of nerves near her center and Areum's pretty certain she loses her mind at that point.

"You're amazing." He whispers, and she nearly flies off the bed when Jungkook slides a single digit in, slowly , so slowly. She’s wet and ready but her body is still stuck in auto pilot and she wants to close her legs instinctively.

"Relax for me." Jungkook whispers, lips close to her ear, licking and teasing .

"I'll make it good. Just relax for me." Jungkook says again,  gently, lapping at her neck and Areum unclenches her thighs letting him work his way in, sighing when the slide becomes a little more easy and a little more familiar.

"So beautiful." Jungkook whispers and Areum laughs, shaking her head.

"It's dark, you can't even see-"

"I can’t see but I can feel you. i can feel you and you’re so fucking gorgeous." He slips another finger in and curls his fingers against the walls of her insides and the gentle press of the pad of his finger is too much and not enough , all at once. Her head falls back into the pillow, all coherency leaving her body in a single whoosh of breath.

"Look at me. Only me." She whispers when Jungkook thrusts into her for the first time and Jungkook nods shakily and he pushes in, leaving her trembling at the ache and the pain and wanting to cry out, but she swallows it all down because she knows it’s going to get better .

"Don't wander off. " Areum whispers, pulling him down for a kiss and Jungkook pushes in deeper, earning a gasp. He wishes he could explain, that he can't ever think of anything but her because she is the perfect dream.

“I love this. I love you. “ she whispered and he had to physically restrain himself from burying himself to the hilt inside her. Her body was still getting used to him. He didn’t want to hurt her but God, she felt so amazing around him. the heat and wetness driving him crazy in a way that couldn’t be explained.

“Hold me tight.”

And she did.

With her arms and her legs and her body and her.....everything.

When she clenched around him, his mind went blissfully blank, her orgasm hitting him like an earth shattering, bone melting , heart stopping explosion of bliss.  

He fell against her, careful not to crush her with his weight and rolled to the side gathering her close.

Someday he would hurt her, he was sure of it. He was an idiot after all and he knew he would find a way to muck this up and ruin it for them but for now, he wasn’t going to think about any of that.

For now, he was going to enjoy the intimacy of making love to the woman he loved.

 Author’s Note : Hope you guys liked it! it was supposed to be very angsty but its really not lol....

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