#i’m so happy to see kam in drag again

[tumble4rpdr]

Credit courtney_kelly94 on Instagram

[kytrisz]

unexpected | Aquaria

| pairing. aquaria x reader

"Aquaria, let's go home. It will rain soon" Kameron said, kneeling beside aquaria who is lying in a lateral position on the grass staring at the unknown, not caring about what is happening to her surrounding.

Still not receiving a response, Kameron put her hand on aquaria's shoulder and called her again "Aquaria, come on..."

And minutes pass by, and the gray sky began to pour down, leaving both of them wet. Kameron immediately open the umbrella she was holding and put it above aquaria, who still didn't move an inch. She then closes her eyes and lets out a hurt and painful sob. just like the sky, she is crying all her pains out. And all Kameron can do is just sit there and watch her break down into nothing.

                                                           ~

"Hey babe, how's the tour?" You asked aquaria, who's on the other side of the video call. She is currently on a Werq the World tour with Kameron, Miz Cracker, and other famous queens. And instead of being by her side, you are currently in a resort with your office team for a team-building project. And since you're the team lead, you're required to attend.

"It's going well, babe! But still sucks 'cause you're not here!" Aquaria whined while putting makeup on her face.

"I know, I'm really sorry, you know I have to be here..." You reasoned to her, you know Aquaria is still upset about you not being there, since she is used to you being with her when she is on tour. And this kind of setup is probably making her crazy.

Sighing, Aquaria drop her brush and look at you directly through her phone. Locking her chocolate eyes to yours, "I know... I'm not mad, just... Disappointed... I-I just miss you already"

You chuckled lightly at her admission, tugging your lips upward, you notice her drag look "Me too babe, so much... By the way do you have a show today?"

Picking up the brush, Aquaria stared at the vanity in front of her and  finish her retouching "Yuppie, we have a show today, by the way, Kam is here too!" Pulling her phone up to show Kameron, who is beside her, also in drag.

"Hi (Y/N), How are you! Heard you're out of town, is that true?" Kameron greeted

"Same as ever Kam, and yeah, I'm currently in a resort with my colleague for a team-building program,"

"I see, so that's why this bitch is sulking the whole time," Kameron stated, shaking her head

"No, I'm not!" You heard Aquaria shout in the background, making both you and Kameron cackle.

"Whatever floats in your boat you whiny bitch," Kameron rolled her eyes at Aquaria, before looking at you again and whispering " She really is,"

"Well I do hope you'll be here soon (Y/N), she starting to annoy the shit out of us here" Kameron gives you a flying kiss before bidding her goodbye and leaving the room, leaving you and Aquaria.

Pointing her phone back to her face, Aquaria rolled her eyes muttering "Bitch" making you laugh loudly.

Calming down from your laugh, you remember you haven't mentioned to Aquaria about your activities today with the team  By the way, we're going to have a boat race later on the beach, just near here the resort,"

Aquaria raise her eyebrows, looking interested "Really?"

"Yes, We're fighting against the other department."

"Well, I'm sure you'll win, I know how competitive you are... Such an animal" Aquaria teased

You just glared at her and deny "I'm not!"

"Whatever floats in your head, my love"

"Whatever... " You rolled her eyes at her, then shake your head "Also I remember... "

"Hmm? "

"I supposed to surprise you, but since you're still looking down and sulking—"

"I said I'm not!" Aquaria exclaimed, glaring at you again, making you smirk at her, you continue.

"After this team building, I'm going to follow you there... "

Aquaria's eyes widen from your news, squealing "Wh-What?! As in?! "

"Yes babe, I'll be there next week. I already file a leave and thankfully the management accepted it. I just have to finish all of my work, but either way, I will still be with you." You informed her smiling at her reaction

"OH MY GOD, BABE! I'm so happy!" Still shocked by your news, she keeps squealing and shouting. Locking to each other eyes, she continues "So, you'll be really here?"

"Yes, babe... I'll be with you next week. So don't be sad now oka—"

Before you can even finish your sentence, Ella, your co-work called you  "(Y/N), come on! The boating competition is starting!"

Snapping your gaze to the door, where Ella's standing, you replied "Yeah, I'll be there! Just give me a minute!"

"Well come down soon! We need our team lead" Ella laughed, before turning around.

Turning again you head to look at Aquaria, who is still very joyful from your announcement, you informed her about leaving "Well babe that's my cue... I'll call you later?"

Aquaria just let out a deep sigh " fine, fine... I'll see you soon..., "

" I'll see you soon too," you assured her, making her smile once again

"... I—I love you, (Y/N),"

"I love you too, so much... Talk to you later."

" Promise?" Aquaria ask you, giving her dog eyes, making her really look cute

Another smile comes, before replying "I promise... Always."

Another voice was heard from the background calling your name "(Y/N), Come on!"

"I'm coming!" You shouted back "I have to go now, good luck with the show tonight, love you!"

"You too, love you!" Aquaria replied, before ending the call.

                                                          ~

Once Aquaria arrive at the club, the place is already filled with people, hoping to get a glimpse of the queens. Aquaria, Kameron, and the rest of the queens have to go to the back entrance to get to the backstage area to avoid being bombarded by the screaming and wild fans.

The backstage has a large dressing room with a long vanity mirror that is hung on the wall with rows of chairs that are already occupied by some of the queens. And since all of them are already in drag, they have time to kill, which they spend it on KiKi.

As they settle down to their area Aquaria began to throw shades to other queens.

"Oh bitch, your face looks shit." Aquaria banter to Miz Cracker, who raised her eyebrow at Aquaria

"Shut up!" Cracker rolled her eyes, finishing her touch up

"So... Will (Y/N) follow you here? "Cracker opens up

"Yaszz! She said it earlier, she just needs to finish all of her work."

"Well that's good, you really need someone to leash you up,"

"Oh hush, you bitch! "

"Well, it's true, right Kam? " Cracker called Kameron, who just look at them and shake her head. "See, she even agrees.."

"You guys are so mean, I swear!" Aquaria whine jokingly "I swear I'm going  to tell this to (Y/-"

RingRingRing

Hearing her phone ring, Aquaria open her phone and saw it was your name. She let out a small cheeky smile, that was immediately caught by the two, who instantly knows who was calling.

"Well speaking of the devil..., I'll just take this call," Aquaria informed, before making her way to the hallway.

Not containing the excitement, she immediately answers her phone.

"We just talk earlier baby, you miss me already?" she teased

But instead of getting sarcastic remarks from you like you always did, an unfamiliar voice greeted her

"H-hello... Aquaria..? It's Ella" A voice hesitantly said.

Aquaria immediately felt a strike of anxiousness out of nowhere. Like something is wrong...

"Ohh, hey... Ella? Why are you using (Y/N)'s phone, where is she? "

Really

"Something happened... It's about (Y/N)..., "

"What do you mean, what's wrong..? "

Really

Minutes went by, and instead of an answer, she heard a painful sob coming from the other end.

Aquaria started to get panic "W-Whats wrong Ella, where is (Y/N)?!"

"I-I'm sorry Aquaria... I'm so sorr-"

"Why are you saying sorry?! WHERE IS SHE?!"

"She's dead!!" Ella cried out.

Wrong

A moment of silence entered.

"W-what?" Aquaria slowly ask, hoping she just misheard.

"She drowne— t-the boat turned upside down, and she was not wearing any vest—S-she gave it to me. I-I'm sorry, I'm so so–"

Aquaria felt like her system shut down, and all she can hear are the voices in her head

She's lying She's lying She'lying She'lyingShe'lyingSHE'SLYING!!

"SHUT UP!! " Aquaria burst into the phone, startling not only Ella but also the drag queens and staff who immediately went to see what was going on, especially Kameron and Cracker.

"Aquaria..??" Kameron asked. Instead of getting a reply, Aquaria gets hysterical even more.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MOTHER FUCKING LYING BITCH! IT'S NOT TRUE! SO SHUT- "

"Aquaria!" Kameron shouted, finally getting Aquaria's attention.

And for the first time in Kam's life, the beautiful and perfect mug that Aquaria always wear is destroyed by snorts and tears falling down her cheeks. And it turned out to be a disgusting and ruined piece of art.

"What happened?" Kameron asked in a mellow tone, trying to know what was wrong.

Aquaria looked at Kameron with dead eyes, before replying "She said…, (Y/N) 's dead"

                                                          ~

Remembering that moment, Kameron couldn't help but feel an ache for her friend. She remembers Aquaria almost losing her mind after learning the news. To the point, she wouldn't sleep, eat, think, talk, or even do drag anymore. Which is something she loves to do the most. It's as if Aquaria is not there anymore, but an empty shell.

Kameron closes her eyes for a second before calling Aquaria one again, putting her hand to rub Aquaria's arm "You'll get sick... Let's go home,"

Kameron thought she wouldn't get an answer, but she did. However, instead of being happy hearing her friend speaks again. What she replied broke Kameron's heart even more.

"How can I have one, when she's not here anymore..."

[dementedfilament]

Tea with the Enemy

Swallowing a cold glare was silence.

As Zeke near-pouted on the edge of his bed, Ginger diligently whipped up Hestia’s recipe for “Witches’ Brew” tea. She only did so by request of Maggie, but at least being able to watch him choke it down would give her some satisfaction out of having to visit him. (Plus, she could be sure Maggie wouldn’t accidentally spill and waste any more of James’s ingredients.)

On Zeke’s end of things, he was excited about the prospect of seeing Maggie again so soon, only to have that immediately ripped away from him when she told him she’d be sending her roommate instead. Her roommate, who hated him for a reason he’d yet to understand. (If he was only using Maggie, then he’d assume she was keen enough to see right through him, but he wasn’t. He loved her. Why did she have to get in the way of that?)

Now, the two were sitting in a tense silence a few feet apart while Zeke’s roommate, Silas, had his headphones on to ignore them both. (Somehow he hadn’t caught their cold…the jerk.) Zeke observed in dread at the things Ginger kept adding to the brew. Ginger (the root), cayenne, garlic, turmeric, apple cider vinegar, honey, lemon. He wasn’t sure if it was relief or terror he felt when she topped off the ingredients with hot water.

“...I’ve yet to see your proof,” she said, breaking the quiet.

He huffed. “You haven’t seen it or you’re not looking for it?”

She turned around, meeting his eyes from her spot on the floor, “You haven’t exactly disproven that there’s something up with you.”

“I think you’re just ignoring it.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re ignorance isn’t exactly my problem,” he shrugged.

Watching him for a moment, she thought over her next words carefully. “...I don’t think you need to be near Maggie anymore.”

“And why not?”

“You’re going to hurt her. I know it.”

“Enlighten me as to how you ‘know’ that?”

She could feel her teeth gritting at his smug smile.

“Is there something you think you know about me?”

“...I haven’t looked at your school file yet. I’m trying to be courteous here.”

“How sweet of you.”

“For her sake.”

“Oh? Or is it that you can’t actually retrieve it as easily as you claim?”

Her mouth opened, but she closed it again.

“Thought so.”

“You know nothing about me.”

“And you know nothing about me,” he retorted calmly. “Checkmate.”

Her flat expression plummeted into a glare once more.

“Don’t be so mad. Just give me more time, and maybe we can all be a happy group of friends together.”

“Not a chance,” she spat. “You’re not dragging me down.”

“Suit yourself,” he replied simply. “But my hand’s extended whenever you wanna take it. I dare say the rest of your friends have already. We’re just waiting on you.”

“James doesn’t trust you either. The twins are more guarded than they act, and I doubt Kam’s stupid enough to trust you so easily.”

“...I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“I know them better than you ever will.”

“...If you insist.”

“...If you wanna play this game so badly, I’ll start looking for your file tomorrow.”

“Oh? Then I suppose you’d be alright with me looking for your secrets, hm?”

Her eye twitched.

“Ah! A reaction. How cute.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s only fair. An eye for an eye, as they say. You learn my secrets, and I learn yours.”

Her jaw tightened.

“But let’s agree to a vow of silence then, hm? Wouldn’t want to go slinging around accusations, would we?”

“No. I’m telling her the minute I find out so she can get away from you.”

“Ah ah ah,” he waggled a finger. “But if you tell her all my dirty little secrets, it’s only fair that I reveal yours as well. And I can make sure they find their way to her.”

She froze.

“Is it something so bad you can’t tell her yourself?”

“...Why can’t you tell her your deal yourself?”

“Why should I have to?” he responded gleefully. “And besides, I’m only matching threats here. This catastrophe doesn’t have to unfold if we mutually agree to keep silent.”

Further retorts couldn’t escape her throat.

“I am terribly curious as to what you’re hiding now though.”

“None of your business.”

“And mine is none of yours, hm? Yet you insist you must pry into it.”

Another glare.

He chuckled. “You actually look adorable when you’re angry.”

“Shut it.”

“The deal is on the table. You learn my secrets, sate that burning curiosity, and I learn yours. We both stay in the dark about it. Whatdya say?”

Her lips sealed shut.

“Or, we drop this and you stay out of my way. Like a good little roommate.”

“You have a deal.”

His smile grew, and he sanitized his hand. “Shake on it?”

She rolled her eyes and they shook hands, sealing both their fates. One dark secret in exchange for the other, both to remain in the shadows until the day one side inevitably takes a knife to the other’s back.

“Now then. I’m still feeling a bit congested. Is the tea ready?”

Eagerly, she poured it and thrust it towards him. “Drink up.”

He took the cup and saucer, giving the still-scalding liquid a few gentle breaths.

Then, he took a sip.

His entire face convulsed, and he felt his body immediately reject the horrific concoction he just put in his mouth. His stomach stayed in place, but his taste buds were screaming at him. “What in the world…?”

Now, a smile spread over Ginger’s face. “Enjoy.”

“Oh, this is terrible…”

“Yup. It does work though. Clears the symptoms right up. Hestia wasn’t wrong.”

A low growl emitted from his throat as he attempted to take another sip. He was braced for the second drink, but it was equally as revolting as the first.

The green-haired girl just watched him, satisfied by his reactions.

After a moment, he realized she was still here, taking in his disgust. “You can go now.”

“Oh? Maybe I should stay to make sure you drink it all,” she said. “You might not get better if you don’t.”

“I can drink it all in peace. You’re dismissed.”

Still smiling, she finally rose from her spot, gathered the ingredients into her bag, and swiftly took her leave. “Have fun.”

With a heaving sigh, he took another sip.

[houseof-harry]

Christmas Miracle | G.D.

A/N - anddddddd I’m back! Idk why, but I thought it was necessary for us to have a cheesy ass, Hallmark ass one shot that is filled with all the fluff and cuteness. So I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday moment and you enjoy the disgusting fluff I’m offering up

Word Count - 7.4k

Summary - Christmas in New York can be seen in one of two ways. It’s the most magical time of the year, snow falling, lights glimmering, joy rampant in the air. Or, the influx of tourists and people trying to sell you things ruins the entire month of December. Y/n tends to lean towards the latter. That is, until she get’s her Christmas miracle.

***

Your friends were lucky you loved them.

When they had first brought up the idea of you showing them around New York City during one of the most popular times of the year for tourism, you shut them down immediately. The holidays were difficult enough without leading around a group of lost puppies who would be acting like they had never seen Christmas lights before.

But they were convincing people, and were quick to offer you the many ways in which they could brighten your few weeks at home and possibly even change your view of the last few weeks of the year.

So, as you balanced finals and all of your other responsibilities as the semester came to an end, you and your friends planned out a trip through NYC that could honestly make a pretty decent Hallmark movie. They even convinced you to spend New Years in Time Square, despite your continued protest. You never saw the appeal of being packed into small gated areas for hours with a bunch of strangers to watch a ball drop, but they claimed that it was necessary to get the full experience. You also bargained that you would get to pick where spring break was if you went through with all of their plans.

You never liked feeling like Scrooge, but the holidays never brought positive memories back for you. Everything felt somewhat fraudulent to you. Fake smiles, meaningless gifts, ignoring the happenings of the rest of the year to act as though family was more important than anything, everyone suddenly devout Christians. You were a big advocate of always being true to who you are, and how you feel, year round. Not just when it is socially expected to do so in some performative, public way that puts up the facade that your life couldn’t be better.

You hoped your friends were right, that they could change the way you felt about the holidays. That maybe it would somehow feel more genuine with them.

So far, they've had some almost successful attempts. You indulged in gingerbread cookies, wore your fluffy winter jacket as you walked around with them to shop for your secret santa. You could even feel a bit of excitement as you picked out the perfect gift for Gia. She’d always say how much she loved leather watches, that she hoped to be able to afford one after graduation to wear to her first job. The smooth brown band you picked out earlier in Saks sat safely in your bag as you led everyone to one of the main attractions of their visit.

Soon enough, the massive, lit up tree came into view.

“Welcome to Rockefeller Center,” you announce as you turn to face everyone, hands held out as you watch them marvel at the scene in front of them, a scene they’ve only seen through screens.

“Wow,” Colin mutters under his breath. You swear you can see the lights from behind you twinkling in their eyes, and you can understand better why they wanted to come on this trip. Maybe you had become a bit numb to the Christmas happenings of the city after so many years of being around it. The obvious wonder on everyone’s faces made you wish you could see the tree for the first time all over again.

You turn to walk forward, afraid of bumping into the swarms of people that stand between you and the tree. As you do so, you feel Gia’s arm wrap around your shoulder to fall in step next to you.

“I knew we’d be able to get a smile on your face,” she teases as her free hand comes to your face to squeeze your cheeks.

You chuckle, wrapping your arm around her waist to keep her close as you squeeze your way through the crowd to get closer to the tree. “Just because I hate the holidays, doesn’t mean I don’t like seeing you guys happy. Even if it’s for a stupid tree.”

“It’s not stupid and you know it.”

You let out a dramatic sigh, your rebuttal interrupted when you hear a squeal from behind you.

“We need a family picture in front of it!”

You turn around at Jo’s request to see her already getting her camera out from under her jacket.

“Here, I’ll take some,” you offer, holding your hand out.

“But then you won’t be in it,” she pouts.

“I have so many pictures of myself in front of this tree, I don’t need any more.”

She huffs, but knows you’re too stubborn to change your mind. She turns back to your group, who now stand in front of you, positioning everyone next to each other.

You bring the camera up to your face, making sure to get everyone in the frame, along with the tree. You start taking pictures of your friends, and you can’t stop the smile that spread across your face as you watch them genuinely enjoy the moment.

“I can take pictures of all of you if you want,” a gruff voice comes from your left, and your attention goes from the camera to the person standing close to you now.

Your eyes have to drag up from the man’s chest, him having a significant height advantage over you. He has a five o’clock shadow that covers his chin, a sharp jawline underneath. His smile shows off his white teeth, that same smile causing the corners of his eyes to wrinkle. Those same warm eyes are looking at you still, waiting for a response.

“Uh, I don’t-”

“Yes!” Jo responds for you, swinging her hand at the two of you standing there.

He holds his hands out, and you carefully place the expensive camera in his hands.

“Don’t drop it.”

He nods at your command as he inspects the buttons.

“Or steal it.”

This breaks his attention from the camera, his smile spreading wider as he chuckles. “I won’t.”

You let out a huff as you nod once, crossing your arms and turning to walk to your friends. You go to the end of the line, tucking yourself under Colin’s arm.

“Don’t drool all over me.”

You scoff, looking up at him. “What?”

“You’ve got heart eyes for our photographer, I’m surprised you couldn’t feel your jaw dragging on the floor as you came over here.”

“Shut up,” you mumble, hitting his chest as he laughs at you.

“Stop talking and smile!” Jo chastises, and you listen in the hopes of Colin dropping it.

You look back at the man who has the camera, and feel your cheeks blush as you make eye contact with him. You opt to look at the camera instead, trying to forget the fact that his eyes were undeniably on you.

He snaps a bunch of pictures of you guys, and as the mom friends Jo even made you do what she deems a “silly” one.

Once Jo is satisfied, she runs up to him, grabbing the camera with a quick and uninterested ‘thanks’ as she immediately starts scrolling through the pictures. Everyone gathers around, laughing and pointing at each other on the tiny screen.

“Thank you,” you say, standing next to him as you watch your friends leaning over Jo’s shoulder.

“No problem,” he smiles, also watching your group. “I hope they’re good enough for a Christmas card.”

You laugh, probably too loudly for how lame of a comment it was, but he seems to appreciate it.

You shake your head. “Knowing Jo, I’ll have an entire book of pictures by the end of this that she’ll insist I keep on my coffee table the rest of my life.”

He chuckles, his hands sliding into the pockets of his jacket. He’s got a beanie covering his ears, and you can’t help but notice he looks better in it than you ever could.

“It’s nice having friends that feel like family. I’m glad you get to have them around for the holidays.”

It’s weird how that comment seems to sit with you. He knows nothing about you, but he’s right. How he knew you needed to hear that, you don’t know.

“Yeah,” you nod, biting your lip as you take in a breath through your nose to ground yourself. “Thanks again, uh…”

“Grayson.” One of his hands leaves his pockets, hanging in the air between the two of you. You take it, letting his fingers fold around your own hand. His skin is warm against yours, a nice change to the cool winds that have been gusting around you the entire day.

He raises his brow at you, and for a second you don’t know what he wants. He keeps your hand engulfed in his, and it hits you that he’s waiting to hear your name.

“Y/N.”

“Y/N,” he says, almost testing it out as he lets your hand drop. “I like that.”

You giggle, your cheeks blushing as you realize the involuntary reactions he’s pulling from you. You’re not a giggler.

“Yo Gray!” Another deep voice comes from over your shoulder, and you turn to see someone who could be a clone of the man standing in front of you. “We gotta go.”

You’re not sure if you make up the sigh you think you hear come from his lips, hoping he was disappointed he had to leave, too.

“I hope you like the pictures.”

And as suddenly as he had appeared next to you, you were watching him jog over back to his own group of people as they disappeared behind the crowd.

“Don’t worry,” Colin’s grip was on your shoulder again as he stepped next to you. “Love is in the air this Christmas season. If it’s not him, it’s someone.”

“I’m Jewish.”

“And Christmas is barely about being Christian anymore. Everyone gets some Christmas joy.”

“Yeah, whatever,” you shake your head, leaning into him a bit. You appreciated his positivity, despite your pessimism. If Christmas miracles were real, your life would have played out very differently.

***

Cold.

That was all you could feel, think, see.

After your adventure at the tree, you planned to go ice skating. You had to, according to Jo. It would be a waste to be there and not go.

When you tried to get out of it, claiming to want to keep Kam company seeing as he had an ankle injury and couldn’t skate, everyone including Kam called you on your shit and made you get out on the ice.

Which you were pretty sure they were regretting now.

You’d never been confident on the ice, only skating a few times in your life. You couldn’t leave the edge, holding onto the side for dear life as you moved slowly around the rink. Your friends took shifts staying with you the rest skating at a more reasonable pace as they continued to lap you.

That is, until Colin and Gia start arguing about who’s better and decide to race, Jo trailing behind them to make sure they don’t knock any children down.

Despite your tight grip on the wall, without the help of your friends your balance fails you and before you knew what was happening, your feet were flailing beneath you. You’re surprised the ice didn’t crack as you fell, your body colliding with the cold, hard ice as your hand trailed down the wall.

You laid there a moment, partially in shame but mainly from the exhaustion of trying to keep yourself upright. You only open your eyes when you hear a chuckle from above you. When you do open them, however, you’re met with an unexpected sight.

“You alright?”

That same charming smile was looking down at you, Grayson’s hand held out in front of him in an offer to help you up.

You scramble to sit up, taking his hand, the other going to the ice as you start to slowly stand up. What you don’t expect is the amount of force he would use to help you, feeling the tug on your arm as he quickly gets you back to your feet.

It’s so quick that you can’t seem to get your footing, your skates scrambling on the slick ice again. Before you can take another tumble, though, his hand is leaving yours as you feel his grip on your waist. He manages to steady you, your palms resting on his chest to do your best to stay still for a moment. Your breathing is a bit jagged as you try to collect your thoughts, your brain jumbled from the events of the past minute, the close proximity to Grayson not helping.

“Uh.” Your mind is racing a mile a minute in order to catch up to where you were right now. Still against Grayson’s body, his face close to yours with a concerned look. His eyes seem to be tracking your own expressions as he tries to figure out if you’re hurt. “Yeah, think I’m good.”

You lean back against the wall, and he takes it as a sign to let go of you. Despite your multiple layers that separated your skin from his hands, you somehow feel a bit colder without him touching you.

“Bit of a hard fall there.”

“Yeah,” you chuckle, nodding your head as you flush, realizing he saw the whole thing happen. “I’m not the best skater.”

“Interested in a lesson?” He holds his hand out to you.

You raise your brow, not moving from the safety of the wall. “You want to teach me?”

“Yeah, Y/N.”

You’re not sure why hearing your name from his mouth unprompted affected you so much, but you felt almost as if you were in a trance. It was like you couldn’t control yourself anymore, your hand falling easily into his.

“Why?”

For the first time since you met him, Grayson seemed to be a bit flustered. “I, uh, think it’s important everyone knows how to skate. It’s definitely a life skill,” he justifies, nodding and pursing his lips. “Plus, I used to play hockey. So I know what I’m doing.”

“I’m not looking to learn how to body someone on ice.”

His laughter is loud as he leans forward a bit, his body closer to yours once again. His grip on your hand tightens, and it’s suddenly hard to believe you’ve gone your whole life without hearing him laugh. You can’t help your own laughter that falls from your lips in response to him, your eyes unable to leave his face.

“I’m just gonna teach you how to not fall,” he reassures through his smile. “I’ve seen people get seriously hurt falling.”

The reminder of possible injuries not only makes you aware of the dull ache you were feeling from your most recent fall, but also of the fact you were far away from the door of the rink.

Grayson notices the change in your attitude, his smile quickly fading. “Or I can just help you off the ice.”

His voice brings you back to reality as you take in a breath and look up at him. Despite the fear bubbling inside of you, the tendinitis in your joints screaming for you to stop, you can’t help but think about what Colin said before. Maybe this was your Christmas miracle.

“No, you’re right. It’s totally a life skill.”

The corners of his mouth turn up as nods before situating himself sideways next to you. “Alright, first things first you gotta remember to bend your knees.”

You uneasily push your body off the wall, your hand still gripping it. “Actually, first things first I have to turn the right direction.”

He chuckles and nods, standing there expectantly. You realize he’s waiting for you to do it yourself.

“I don’t know how.”

“Oh.” He switches his hands so you’re holding one farther from you. His now free arm reaches around your waist. “Can I?”

You nod, and you feel his firm grip on you once again. As soon as he starts to maneuver you, you squeal, tightening your hand on his as your other flies from the wall to cover his grip on your jacket.

“Sorry,” you mumble. “I’m not usually such a little bitch.”

He laughs, and that’s when you realize how close you are again. You can feel his warm breath on the side of your face, and you can’t bring yourself to look at him in fear of totally freezing from making eye contact. You can’t remember the last time someone made you feel so nervous yet so comfortable at the same time.

“You’re not a little bitch, you’re just getting used to the ice. You’ll be lapping me in no time.”

It’s your turn to laugh as you shake your head. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I’m pretty sure my only goal should be to not eat shit.”

“We got this, then.”

Surprisingly enough, you guys managed to stay standing the whole time. After your first lap around, and partially to your disappointment, you were able to skate without his arm around you, the only support you needed coming from holding his hand and the occasional grip of the wall. The only time you came close to falling was when he taught you how to pick up speed, but even then you managed to stay on your feet.

What caught you most off guard, however, was how easily being around him was. Somehow it felt like you had known each other for years, your comfort level increasing every minute you spent together. You were able to laugh together, never a dull or quiet moment as he continued to guide you around the rink. You lost track of where your friends even were, nevermind how the lights around the rink were seemingly getting brighter as the sun went down.

“So who was that guy from before that looked like you?”

“My twin brother Ethan.”

At this point you two were skating at a normal speed, staying close to the wall for your sanity, but the only support you needed was him holding your hand.

“You guys are close?”

“Oh my god,” he laughs, shaking his head. You look over at him, smiling as you watch him try and put into words what he wants to explain. “Probably too close. We do everything together.”

“That’s gotta be nice, though.”

“It is. It’s good to always have someone like that,” he agrees. “Do you have any siblings?”

You nod, looking forward again. “Yeah, two brothers.”

“So you already know how to body people, it was just the on ice part you struggled with.”

You laugh. “Exactly, you just caught me in my moment of weakness.”

“Oh, so you would have bodied me otherwise?”

You look back over at him, letting your gaze go up and down his body as if you’re sizing him up. “Totally.”

Before he can respond, your body is being jerked as you feel Gia’s arm fall over your shoulder. You grip Grayson’s hand hard to stay standing.

“As much as I hate to be the party pooper, I’ve gotta steal you away. Jo’s freaking about us being late for the dinner res.”

Both Grayson and Gia stop skating, but you move forward with the momentum you had built up. Stopping hadn’t been a part of the day's lesson.

You fall backwards between the grip they both had on you. You’re not even sure what your hands start reaching for as you flail around, expecting the cold of the ice under your body just like before.

Instead, you feel two strong arms under you. When you open your eyes, Grayson’s face is so close to yours you’re sure you would see any imperfections if he had them. His eyebrows are high on his forehead as he searches your face just like last time, looking for a status update.

“Oh my god, I’m totally ruining the Christmas miracle right now, aren’t I?”

Grayson does what he can to keep a straight face due to the concern he still had for you, but he can’t stop the snort that comes from him as you groan and cover your face in embarrassment from Gia’s comment.

“Giovannina, I swear on my life, I will literally-”

“I’m sorry!” Grayson stands you back up making sure you’re steady on your feet before letting go of you. “Jo’s got her murder eyes, you know the ones, and she’s been looking forward to this restaurant all week and we waited as long as possibly because-” she looks at Grayson. “You seem fabulous, truly. So cute. But,” she looks back at you, puppy dog eyes fully activated. “You know how Jo gets.”

You let out a sigh, nodding your head. “I do.”

She sheepishly holds her hands out for you, and you bregudgely take them, making sure you exaggerate your frustrations. It’s not Gia’s fault, or even Jo’s that your time with Grayson had to get cut short, but that doesn’t mean you won’t throw a fit about it.

“Thank you for finally teaching her how to skate. She’s a woman of many talents, but being on ice is not one of them,” Gia chuckles, her smile genuine but your annoyance only building. Gia’s intentions are always pure, but god damn she was a bad wingman.

Fortunately, Grayson smiles in agreement as he looks at you. “It was a rough beginning, but I think you’ve got potential.” He nudges your shoulder with his lightheartedly, but you tense in fear of falling over.

“Sure, lots of potential,” you mumble, letting Gia slowly start to pull you to the exit.

“Hey, is there any way I could-”

“Y/N!”

You all turn to see Jo standing in front of Colin and Kam, and you’re pretty sure you can also see the vein popping out of the side of her neck in distress as she tries to rush you along. You make a mental note to figure out who has her for secret santa to tell them to get her a voucher to a spa.

You turn back to look at Grayson, both of you standing there somewhat speechless, not sure what to say and not wanting to speak over the other.

“Thanks for looking out for her again!” Gia interrupts, tugging you along and forcing you to turn back around.

You let her pull you along in silence, disappointment quickly settling in the pit of your stomach.

This wasn’t you. You were very intentional with who you let in your life, and even more intentional with who you liked. You were notoriously single, always prioritizing everything and everyone before putting yourself in a position to get hurt. You let rationality rule, emotions only ever proving to cause pain and heartbreak.

So why the fuck were you so caught up in Grayson?

***

You did your best to not think about him, the illusive man you met one day two weeks ago. You had so much to distract yourself with, too. Between the Christmas celebration you guys did, the other activities Jo had planned around the city, and just spending time with people you loved, you should have been able to forget Grayson in a day, go back to how life was before he offered to take pictures for you.

Even Jo picked up on how you were off. You were going through with every stupid craft or activity she made you do, without a complaint. She knew something was up.

Which is why she conceded on one of her biggest wishes, one she knew you were not looking forward to.

“So I found us a house party for New Years.”

You look up from your phone at her declaration, brows furrowed. “What?”

“Instead of going out on the street for New Years, we’ll go to a party in one of the apartments nearby.” She’s got everyone's attention now, Kam pausing the show on the TV to listen. “We’ll still be able to see the ball drop, but we’ll be inside.”

“How’d you find a party? Those apartments are mad nice, only rich people live in them.”

“You know how my sister’s out in LA trying to be a model?”

You nod.

“Well, it’s kind of working. She’s gotten herself a group of influencer friends, successful ones. They’re here for New Year’s, so she got us on the list.”

“Holy shit,” Gia mutters.

“Is Madison Beer gonna be there?” Kam asks.

You laugh, shaking your head. “Dude, even if she is, there’s no way she’d fuck you.”

Kam scoffs, flipping you off. “Don’t be an ass just because your Christmas miracle was a fail. Some of us don’t hate the world.”

“There’s no such thing as Christmas miracles, Kam. Plus, it’s past Christmas.”

“Alright, alright,” Colin interrupts, holding his hands up between the two of you. “First off,” he points at you. “Christmas miracles are definitely real, you’re just a Grinch. And,” he turns to point at Kam. “Madison Beer is way out of your fucking league.”

“Ha!”

“However,” Colin cuts you off. “If she did fuck you, I would classify that as a Christmas miracle because it is still holiday time and therefore the rules of Christmas miracles still apply.”

You throw your hands up in confusion, but Jo beats you to it. “What are the rules of Christmas Miracles?”

“Oh jesus,” you mumble under your breath as Colin sits up straighter and clears his throat.

“The rules are as follows,” he holds up a finger. “If you can find a shitty, holiday themed movie on the Hallmark channel, it’s Christmas-time and therefore a Christmas miracle can happen. They usually run through New Years, so you both-” he points at you and Kam, “have the opportunity for your Christmas miracles.”

“I cannot believe-”

“Second,” he interrupts you, holding up a second finger. “Christmas miracles come to people who deserve them.”

“Oh, so that’s why Y/n’s didn’t work out?” Kam murmurs, and you flip him off.

“Kam, your already low odds of fucking Madison Beer are dwindling by the second.”

“Fine,” he holds his hands up in defeat. “Keep going.”

“Y/n is totally deserving of a Christmas miracle,” Gia defends you. “She puts so much time into making sure we’re happy. Just because she doesn’t like Christmas, doesn’t mean she’s not deserving.”

“Exactly G,” Colin nods in approval, before putting up a third finger. “And lastly, you have to believe you deserve the Christmas miracle.” It feels like he’s staring into your soul when he says that one.

You all sit there in silence, individually deciding how much you want to believe what Colin is saying.

Of course it sounds like a load of horse shit. But, it didn’t feel like horseshit when you were with Grayson.

“Whatever,” you declare, standing up. “I need more.” You swirl your now empty mug, walking over to the hot chocolate and peppermint vodka on the counter.

“A little joy never hurt anyone, Y/n,” Kam comments, holding his empty mug out to you as you walk by. You take it from him, putting them down on the counter once you reach it.

“You’d be surprised.”

***

You’re not sure how Gia convinced you that a skimpy outfit was the perfect idea to wear for New Years, yet here you were, shivering to the bone as you walked down the street.

You don’t even like wearing heels most of the time, out of fear of falling down. Gia claims you look confident when you wear them, which you reveal to her is fake. That’s always been your motto: ‘fake it ‘till you make it.’ That didn’t seem to sway her, though, so the stilettos that now dug into your pinky toes were what you committed to for the entirety of the evening.

Colin’s arm around your shoulder wasn’t helping to warm you any, your faux fur coat letting the cool breeze still brush against your skin. Your small black tank top tucked into your matching black jeans were not made to be worn in the 20 degree weather. You kept your body close to him, your arm wrapped around his waist with your free hand in Gia’s.

“We’re gonna have the best night!”

You smile at Gia’s excitement, her eyes seeming to sparkle with the lights that line the street. Other groups of partiers and New Year’s Eve celebrators make it hard to hear her over their loud screaming and excitement, and you can’t help but let that energy invigorate you a bit. You guys were getting closer to the end of your break, reality would be setting in soon, and you’d be buckling down with school again. You wanted to enjoy the time you had left with your friends.

“I’m so excited to see who’s there,” Kam agrees.

“You can’t be weird about it, though,” Jo warns. “My sister said we have to act like we’re supposed to be there. This is a private thing, they want to have a normal New Year’s Eve.”

“I promise I’ll be my normal self,” Kam holds his hands up in defense, a smirk on his lips.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about,” she mumbles, causing Kam to give her a light shove as you continue to make your way down the street.

When you finally reach the entrance of the building Jo’s sister told you to come to, you’re all speechless. You could see the lobby of the building through the glass doors, and it was fancier than any hotel you’d ever stayed in before.

Jo makes the move first, opening the door and walking in. Kam grabs it from her, holding it for the rest of you as you file in behind her, like a group of ducklings following their mom blindly across the pond.

She speaks with the woman at the front desk, who points you to the hallways where you assume the elevators are. None of you speak as she walks you over and presses the button.

When an elevator finally arrives, there’s an attendant waiting for you inside. You’d had the opportunity to indulge in many extravagant things in life, and have taken those opportunities, but this was a whole other level of fancy.

Jo has a similar conversation with the attendant that she did with the woman at the front desk. He does something on his Ipad before smiling at you all and pressing a button that prompts the doors to close.

“Holy. Fuck,” Colin whispers in your ear, and all you can do is look at him with wide eyes and an open mouth.

When the doors open in front of you, the silence from the ride up in the elevator is immediately permeated by the bustle of the party in front of you.

“Have a good time!” The attendant says as you all slowly step across the gap in the floor and into one of the nicest apartments you think you had ever seen in your life.

There’s a few dozen people working their way around the room, no more than 50. You can appreciate the smaller crowd, knowing that being on the street would have been significantly more uncomfortable with the amount of people who gather there every year.

“Jojo!” Katherine’s high pitched voice breaks through the music as you see Jo’s bubbly sister make her way over to you guys.

“Hey Kath,” she murmurs, already being suffocated in a hug.

Katherine pulls away, keeping her hands on Jo’s shoulder in order to keep her close. “How are you? Haven’t seen you in forever!”

“I know,” Jo grimaces. “That’s what happens when you move across the country and rarely call anyone.”

Katherine almost misses a beat, but instead turns to the rest of you.

“It’s so of nice you guys could come! I can’t imagine what it would have been like...out there,” she trails off, looking towards the large windows that overlook Times Square.

Jo mutters ‘“authentic” under her breath as Gia cries out “cold!”

“Exactly!” Katherine turns back to you guys. “I knew I always liked you, Gigi.”

“It’s Gia.”

“Whatevs, Jojo. Go in and get cozy! And don’t embarrass me, please.” It’s scary the smile Katherine has on her face as she disappears back into the crowd. It would look genuine to the naked eye, but she almost looked dead inside when you took a closer look. But, in the wise words of Katherine herself, ‘whatevs.’

“I see the bar,” Colin nods his chin in the opposite direction that Katherine went, and you’re grateful you won’t have to see her so soon again.

“Please,” is all Jo squeaks out before making a beeline for the counter where the bartender stood.

You chuckle, following closely behind.

“The usual?”

You shake your head, stepping up next to Jo to order your own drink instead. “A moscow mule, please.”

You can feel all eyes on you, curiosity peaking at your change of heart. You never strayed from your normal order.

“What?” You ask defensibly, as you turn around to confront their questioning looks.

“Going rogue?” Kam asks.

“Trying out the holiday joy you suggested, Kam. Any objections?”

“Nope.” He pops the ‘p,’ his smile widening as he realizes you’re letting your walls down for once.

That doesn’t last long after your drink is in your hand, however.

There’s Grayson. Your Christmas miracle. Sitting on the couch, a girl in his lap and a smile on his face. He looks good in a turtleneck, you note, but that doesn’t stop the queasiness settling in your stomach. You knew Christmas miracles were horseshit, but this just felt like a cruel trick.

“What’s with the frown?” Kam asks, standing next to you as everyone else situates themselves with a drink.

“Don’t look right now, but behind you is my supposed Christmas miracle with a girl in his lap.”

Kam whips his head around, scanning the room.

“Dude are you kidding? I said don’t turn,” you grip his arm, forcing him to turn back, but not before he’s spotted the cozy couple. The look of pity on his face unsettles you.

“I’m sorry.”

You shake your head, taking a sip from your drink. “Don’t be, I knew him for an hour. I will, however, be calling Colin on his shit later.”

“What shit?” Colin asks, coming to stand next to you.

“Your Christmas miracle bullshit.”

A laugh bubbles up from his chest as he quirks a brow. “Oh really?” “Yeah, Grayson’s over there with a girl-”

“Damn, for how quickly obsessed you became with the kid, you really are forgetful.”

You give Colin a question look, waiting for him to continue.

“He has an identical twin. Your Christmas miracle is standing against the staircase. He’s been looking at you since we got to the bar.”

Your turn your head and sure enough, your eyes are locked with Grayson’s. He’s just as captivating as last time, his warm smile on his face once he realizes he’s been spotting. Unlike last time, however, instead of shying away from the eye contact, you can’t seem to stop looking.

“Remember, you have to believe you deserve the Christmas miracle,” Colin whispers in your ear before giving you a not so gentle shove in Grayson’s direction.

“You’re lucky I’m not a violent person,” you say over your shoulder, before making your way over to him. You can feel the excitement tingling in your fingertips that grip your drink as you do your best to be polite to the people you bump into on your way.

Once you’re close enough, Grayson pushes himself off the banister, creating a space for you to stand between the wooden sticks and his large body.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

His voice is deeper than you remember, more delicious if possible. It feels familiar hearing him speak, a comfort you didn’t know you had been missing.

“You’re supposed to say that when you expect to see someone, not when you’re actually surprised.”

He lets out a low laugh, nodding in defeat. “Okay, true. It’s a good surprise, though - at least for me.” He seems a bit less smooth than last time, too. You can feel the nerves coming off him, his confidence lower. You wonder if it’s got to do with the environment you’re in.

You smile up at him, licking your lips in order to drag out the unknown a bit longer. You can’t give it all up right away.

“Yeah,” you finally agree. “A real good surprise.”

“Good.”

“Although, you know I gotta ask it.”

His smile falters as he raises his brow. “I think I gotta ask the same thing.”

“You first,” you nod your chin at him, crossing your arms.

“Ethan and I are a friend of a friend to one of the host’s friends. We’re normally not in Jersey for New Year’s, so when they found out we’d be celebrating alone in our mom’s house, we got an invite.”

“A Jersey kid?” You feign disgust, making him laugh as he leans his arm over your head. He smells good, his scent overriding your thoughts for a moment.

“Is that a bad thing?”

You shrug. “Usually. I guess I’ll overlook it, though.”

“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it,” he answers cockily.

You giggle, shaking your head at the cheesy comment. “Are you offering me somewhat of a free trial?”

“More like endless coupons with no expiration date.”

This makes you fully laugh, him chuckling with you as you feel your cheeks heat up at the implication of his words.

“You barely know me,” you counter, still unable to look away from his eyes. “What makes you so sure about offering such a good deal to me?”

He shrugs. “Call it a gut feeling.”

You feel your own stomach go crazy at that, the confirmation that he was feeling what you were only heightening how his warmth seemed to radiate off him, everything Grayson flooding your senses.

“Your turn.”

“Hm?” You hum, bringing your drink to your lips.

“What’s gotten you into Madison Beer’s apartment?”

You choke on the liquid you intended on swallowing, coughing to clear your throat. His brows furrow as he brings his hand from above you to your back, rubbing it.

“Oh my god - sorry - I just,” you take in a big breath before standing up straight again, more confident in your lungs. “This is Madison Beer’s apartment?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles, looking around the room. “You didn’t know?”

You shake your head. “Jo’s sister -”

“Murder eyes Jo?”

“Exactly. She’s been out in LA modeling. When she heard we were gonna be in New York for New Year’s she got us in. This -” you gesture to the room, noticing the more familiar faces you’re seeing now that you’re paying attention. “Totally not my normal scene.”

“So you’re giving everything new a shot right before the year ends?”

“Mhm,” you bring your gaze back to him. “In case I want to take it back and act like it never happened.”

He laughs, licking over his teeth. “Sounds like a solid plan.”

***

It was stupid how well you got along. You didn’t even see any of your other friends the entire night, Grayson keeping you tucked in the corner. You hoped Kam had somehow ran into Madison at some point, but you weren’t inclined enough to leave Grayson to help him with it.

It felt like you guys were somehow meant to be there that night together. Maybe Colin was onto something, maybe this was your (belated) Christmas miracle.

“It was total fate, I’m telling you. The odds we were able to get Mando on our team in the first place, nevermind him being one of the most important people in our lives now.” Grayson shakes his head as he recalls the memories, a reminiscent smile on his face. “You believe in all that, right?”

“What?” You hum, admiring his positivity. Every story, every glimpse into his life he’s given you throughout the night, has all ended in a positive twist. He managed to see the bright side of every situation, despite the horrible shit that’s been thrown his way.

“Fate.”

You sit up a bit straighter, your elbows leaving where they rested on your thighs. Your knee was touching his, your proximity close on the couch due to the amount of people who were sitting there with you. You felt like you were in a bit of a bubble, though. Despite the loud chatter from all around you, the only thing you could pay attention to was Grayson.

“I’m not gonna lie to you,” you set your cup down before leaning back against the cushion. His arm that was resting on the top of that cushion drops, landing on your shoulder casually, but you can feel the warmth it immediately brings. “I never really did. I’ve always been the pessimist of the bunch. However,” your eyes find Colin, who’s sat to Grayson’s back. He gives you a wide smile and two thumbs up. You can’t help the smile that makes its way onto your own face as you look back at Grayson. “I’ve recently become a bit of a believer. Why?”

He shrugs. “I mean, what are the odds we not only had the same skate time at one of the most popular skating rinks in the world, but we also then end up at the same New Year’s Eve party?”

You huff, starting to think. “Well, statistically speaking -”

“No,” he laughs, nudging your leg with his own. “Fate isn’t about statistics, or probability. There’s nothing explainable about it.”

“My friend Colin is calling it a Christmas miracle,” you admit.

“So that’s what your friend meant when she interrupted us on the ice?”

“Oh god,” you groan, covering your face in the same manner as last time, shaking your head. “Don’t remind me.”

“Hey,” he chuckles, grabbing one of your wrists to expose your face to him again. “Don’t worry about it, it was funny.”

“It shouldn’t have been funny, though,” you whine, a pout forming on your lips.

He cocks his head to the side, a smirk settling on his face. “What should it have been?”

Before you can respond, the countdown from 60 begins, and suddenly everyone is standing and chanting around you, buzzing to start the new year.

58, 57, 56, 55

Grayson stands, holding a hand out for you to take. You place your hand in his, standing right next to him, there being little room for you two between the couch and the coffee table causing your chests to be pressed against one another. You look up at him, the same warm eyes he’s had for you meeting your gaze again.

“Romantic.”

“Huh?” He leans closer to you, his ear so close to your mouth that you were tempted to nip his earlobe.

“It should have been romantic.”

24, 23, 22, 21

He lifts his head so he can look at you again, close enough for his nose to brush against yours. One of his hands reaches around you, finding a resting spot on your lower back. His other hand comes to your cheek, his thumb rubbing the skin there. You grip his sweater at his sides, keeping him close to you.

“Ten, nine, eight,” Grayson starts counting down with the rest of the party, and you follow suit.

As everyone screams around you, celebrating the new year, you feel Grayson’s lips on yours. It feels like a movie, like the world is celebrating how amazing you guys feel right now as you finally physically connect with the person it feels like you were always meant to be with.

His lips are warm and smooth against yours, his every intention clear as he kisses you with a passion you’ve never experienced before. Your every nerve is on fire, your heart in flames as you keep yourself grounded by the grip you have on him.

He only pulls away as you feel champagne fall on the both of you, the confetti that was launched now sticking to you from the liquid. You can’t help the laugh that comes out of you at the craziness of it all, the fact that you just kissed the man in front of you, the man still in your grip, the man who still had his hands on you hard to comprehend.

Colin was right. Christmas miracles were most certainly real, and you deserved this one.

Grayson smirks down at you, leaning down to peck your lips once more before speaking. “Romantic enough for you?”

[sing-swan-spring-swan]

kam & solinh, fairytale au style

hey, did i ever chuck the 13-page bullet-point-style fairytale au i wrote once on here? no? well we’re fixing that. kam, solinh, draws from various fairytale tropes but is mostly a mix of “beauty and the beast” and “sleeping beauty”. so!

the sencens live in a small rural town on the edge of a cursed wood. they're like, the town's pet nobles. sometimes they get messages from the council. the town thinks they're cool as heck, because nobles! they never get nobility all the way out here- but no one actually knows why they chose to live here.

it's because lady gisela did some Bad Stuff, actually. or she tried, and failed, but without enough evidence to prove it the council couldn't do anything, and lord cassius had enough clout to prevent her from most of the consequences but, of course, they subsequently moved because, y'know. not a good idea to be in close proximity to power structures you definitely defied.

so, keefe, cassius, and gisela live in this small rural town. keefe, despite being popular (see: nobles!) has exactly one actual friend, and her name is sophie. they are friends mainly because sophie took one look at keefe and went "you're chaotic neutral, aren't you" and keefe went "oh thank god all these people think i'm lawful good where do i get some mischief in this town"

it's not perfect. sophie hates being stuck in a little orphanage of a little town and knows she’s going to be basically nothing when she comes of age, keefe is basically stuck with his family, who exemplify a power structure he hates and can’t seem to change, but y'know, they're happy. 

and then one night, when keefe is trying to turn sophie's hair purple, he sees his mother sneaking into the woods.

he leaves the hair dye and sneaks after her. in the woods, he sees lady gisela making some sort of deal with a demon- she offers it a vial of her son's blood and promises it sophie's life in exchange for power. (enough power to regain the sencens' influence and eventually take over the kingdom, with keefe as a puppet king, but keefe doesn't know that yet.)

so keefe, shocked by this, tries to run and reveals himself. lady gisela chases him and he flees, but he can't go to the town because sophie, so he's just crashing through the woods until he finds a castle, gets into it, slams the gates shut.

and then a voice behind him says "you really shouldn't have done that."

keefe screams. because it's a ghost! sort of a ghost. transparent enough to be a ghost.the ghost explains that now that he's here, he can't leave- the curse will keep him trapped. keefe's like, sure, what curse? and tries. he gets maybe three feet out before vines that definitely weren't there before crawl up from the forest and fling him bodily back into the castle.

"told you," the ghost says, then gestures to where keefe is now bleeding significantly, because thorns. "let's get those taken care of." 

the ghost informs him that the castle is his to explore and that it will provide for him, but he should really never ever go up the stairs. one because those floors aren't really maintained, but two because the stairs aren't maintained either, and they'll probably collapse and kill him. keefe asks if that's how the ghost died. the ghost glares. 

meanwhile- sophie hasn't seen keefe in three days. gisela says he's most likely exploring in the forest, what a shame, so dangerous, you know, but he's a hero at heart and he thinks he can save it and sophie thinks "nope, you know what, he's an idiot and i'm gonna go find that idiot"

so she goes into the forest, and she finds the castle, and she finds keefe, and keefe is like "sophie what the frick now you can't leave either"

sophie is . . . pretty chill about this, actually, because she didn't have much waiting for her in the town, but keefe is like "no this is actually a problem gisela is planning things and she's making deals and if you're here she can't fulfill them and i don't know what she's going to do, and also there are ghosts here"

"hi," says the ghost. 

keefe introduces the ghost as tam and they give sophie a rundown of the curse and what's going on. tam repeats the "don't trust the stairs" thing and keefe and sophie Look at each other, because keefe is now healed enough to attempt sneakery and now they can do it together.

they wait a few days, and then they try the stairs. they go to the basement first, because the basement stairs look more solid and there are fewer of them.in the basement, they find a pool, large and wide and still. for a moment, there's no sound, and sophie begins to walk towards it.

and then a monster bursts from the surface. 

"who invades this castle?"  it screams, and its voice shakes the stone.

sophie, who is soaking wet and terrified, puts her hands up and tries to back away, before tam rushes up behind her.

"they're villagers! they're just villagers." he glances over at sophie and keefe. "foolish, stupid villagers who got lost and found this place. they're harmless."

tam approaches the monster and they talk, tam in a whisper, and the monster in a gravelly voice, like ocean tides, that sophie can't make words out of. the monster backs off, and tam storms towards them. he grabs them and starts dragging them towards the stairs, and then he glares until they start moving up the stairs ahead of him.

"what was that thing?" keefe asks, as they approach the ground floor. 

"she," tam hisses, "is . . . the owner of this castle. she protects us." 

"from what? the curse keeps you here." 

no response. 

". . . is she responsible for the curse? because if she is-" 

"the curse protects us! from people like you! they would kill her, they killed me, and the curse keeps us safe. you were the ones stupid enough to come in!"

they walk the rest of the way in silence. when they get to the ground floor, tam says that they’ve already proven they won't listen to him if he tells them not to go to the tower, but he is asking them not to, as a basic kindness. 

they don't see tam for the next few days. both keefe and sophie feel bad, but it's sophie that first decides "you know what, i'm gonna go apologize to the monster." keefe responds with "look, you're right but tam got so angry last time. maybe this is a bad idea." they think for a moment, and then sophie's like "what if we write a letter?"

the castle provides for them, at least, so finding paper and ink isn't too hard. they write a letter and decide that sophie will deliver it.

sophie goes down with the letter and is planning to just leave it there but surprise! monster, who asks her what she's holding. sophie explains about the letter, the monster asks sophie to read it to her since, you know, claws and things make paper a Challenge. sophie feels painfully awkward but she does, and the monster thanks her and apologizes in turn for her reaction when they entered. as sophie leaves. she promises they'll find a way out, and leave the two alone. 

meanwhile, keefe, who is going a Little Bit Crazy here waiting for sophie, goes looking for tam. he finds tam, the two kind of- end up in a standoff for a bit, until keefe, who has no better ideas, asks if tam knows how to cook. tam does not- the castle has always provided for them. keefe takes tam into the kitchen and shows him how to make mallowmelt. neither of them are very good at it, and also tam sometimes phases through physical things, but they get a sort of mallowmelt that is a little burnt but still very sweet and very good. 

tam comes in the next day and tells sophie that "she wants to see you." there's only one other being in the whole castle, so sophie and tam go down to the basement. tam lingers, before sophie says it's okay, and then he lingers a little longer until the monster gives what's probably a nod.

"i'm not going to eat you," the monster says. she very well could- those fangs are proof enough- but. 

"i didn't think you were," sophie says.

the monster explains that the curse is magic, complicated, confusing magic, that even she doesn't understand, but if sophie wants to get out of it then she'll probably need what the monster knows.

sophie pauses. 

"i thought you cast it," she says. 

". . . yes, but i don't know how." "can it be broken?" 

"you're not breaking the curse," the monster says, and there's a snarl to her voice. 

"no, that's not what i meant, just- if you knew a way to break it maybe we could alter that to just- pause it temporarily? so keefe and i could leave?" 

"oh. no, i don't know how to break it." 

"okay," sophie says, and then she goes and gets paper and ink, and the monster tells her everything she knows.

when they're done, she looks at her pages of notes, and then she looks at the monster, but it doesn't feel right to keep calling her that. 

"do you have a name?" 

the monster pauses. and then she says, "linh. and you're sophie?" 

"i- yes. how did you know that?" 

linh gives what might be a laugh. 

"you said it in your letter." 

"oh. right." 

"sophie. it's a pretty name." 

"thank you," sophie says, and then, "so is linh." 

she does that sort-of laugh thing again. "i'll see you tomorrow, sophie." 

two days later, when keefe and sophie head into the kitchen, there is another plate of mallowmelt on the counter, and keefe does not know if that's the castle's doing or tam's (or if they're the same). it tastes a little weird, and keefe assumes, since tam can’t actually eat, he was guessing at the flavor, but it’s good. it feels like approval, too, which gives keefe the confidence to ask if tam knows how to make dye. he does.

they make dye. they also stain the kitchen, and keefe's hair, and for a moment keefe forgets that tam is non-corporeal and tries to put finely chopped cabbage in his hair. there's a moment of awkwardness, before keefe pouts about it not being fair and knows he's succeeded when tam laughs.

they get one of the squirrels that lives on the castle grounds and dye its fur multiple colors. the squirrel, to its credit, seems to be enjoying the whole thing. 

at some point, probably late one night, tam asks where he learned to do all this, and keefe tells him that he mostly uses it to play pranks on people, back in the town. 

"geez," tam says. "your parents let you get away with all that?" 

"ah," keefe says, "no. they don't. they're actually, uh . . . kind of terrible." 

there's a moment. 

"i'm sorry." 

"no, don't be. i mean, it's normal, right?" 

"no," tam says, vehemently. "it's not, and it shouldn't be." 

keefe looks at him. "were yours kind of terrible too?" 

". . . yeah.”

"i mean. you don't have to tell me, but what happened?" 

there's a pause, as tam looks at his hands. 

"i'm a twin. my sister was born first, by about five minutes, so she was technically crown princess, but she had . . . magic. a lot of it." 

"isn't that a good thing?" 

"she wasn't- it was a lot. and they never taught her how to control it, they just expected her to, and when she couldn't, they made me the heir. and i fought it, so they fought me, and eventually they sent us . . . here." 

"and then people attacked. and they killed you." keefe says, and tam nods. 

"i'm . . ." keefe looks for something better and doesn't find it. "sorry." 

"yeah, well. what happened to you?" 

"my dad hates me, and, uh, my mom tried to feed my blood to a demon." 

tam winces. "well. at least they can't get to us here?" 

"yeah," keefe says, and then he tilts his head back and looks up at the ceiling. "nobility, am i right?" 

"nobility," tam replies, and the air feels lighter.

so linh and sophie and tam and keefe just kinda! hang out in the castle together! and bond! and they work on fixing the curse so keefe and sophie can leave

there’s one conversation when they’re all working together where sophie brings up the concept of “true love”. It sounds silly to her, but there’s mentions in the text of it being really powerful magic.

“of course,” linh says. “all the best spells draw on love.”

“and all the worst,” tam adds.

for a moment, they just look at each other, and then linh sighs and turns back to sophie. she explains that while love is an extremely powerful magic, it is also one that tends to be uncontrollable. magic born out of love is extremely strong- it can overcome most other magical forces and constructions in the world, and there are stories about it performing what are essentially miracles- but it's not really the kind of thing where the outcome can be predicted. so, since both tam and linh are insistent that keefe and sophie not break the curse, it’s not a viable route. keefe and sophie agree, and they get back to work.

 also at some point in this they start a girls vs. boys prank war and they have fun and everything is fine for a little while

 but of course, you know, they keep talking, and keefe and sophie are starting to put it together. and at one point, when they're all down in the basement and it's quiet, sophie asks, "were you two siblings?" 

tam and linh look at her. 

"i just thought- if we want the best chance of getting keefe and i out, we need as much information as we can get. and we still don't know what happened to cause this curse." 

"we haven't been snooping," keefe says, quickly. "you've just said some stuff, and we just been thinking.”

linh looks at tam. tam takes a breath. "alright. come with me." 

 he leads them up the tower. they climb flights of stairs, before they are stopped by a thicket of thorns.

"oh, i didn't- i don't know if you can get through." 

but keefe steps up, and the thorns pull back, revealing a passage. 

"well," tam says, quietly. "that's new."

the passage leads to a room. in it is a single body, resting on a dais, surrounded by thorns. 

it's tam: the same clothes, same hair, same face. the only difference is the broken arrows, three of them, lodged in the body's still-breathing chest. 

"this is why you can't break the curse," tam says. 

"it's keeping you alive," sophie breathes. 

"barely." 

keefe takes a step closer to the body. 

"i thought you were a ghost," he says. 

"i am, really. but i'm not dead. just . . . sleeping."

 they leave the room and go back down to linh, and together linh and tam explain that when they were attacked and tam was killed, linh felt it. her magic exploded and twisted around the castle, creating the thorns and the lake. it saved tam's life, but it came at the cost of her body, turning her into what she is.

sophie and keefe leave tam, who clearly needs a little space, alone with linh. the next day, keefe makes mallowmelt and presents it to tam, who, while not necessarily able to eat it, smiles at him anyway.

they keep working, but now they're looking- or at least, sophie and keefe are looking- for two things: a way to get out and a way to heal tam. it's unlikely they'll find anything linh and tam haven’t, but they still try.

 but.

sophie has been missing for weeks now, and lady gisela, back in the village, still needs her and keefe. so she convinces the demon to give her enough power to find them, and she discovers the castle, and she creates a plan.

she goes to the leaders of the town, and in front of them, she starts to weep. apparently, her son has gone missing, and she knows where he's been taken- into the cursed wood, by the beast that lives in the castle. she produces a torn letter with a sketch of it, horribly monstrous, and she convinces the town to go into the woods and kill the beast.

the people of the village launch an attack, and linh and tam are unprepared and overwhelmed. they tell keefe and sophie to hide. 

"what are you going to do?" sophie asks. 

and linh rises out of the lake, water pouring off her in rivers. 

"fight," she says. 

"i'm not letting you go alone." 

linh looks at her for a long, long moment, before she bends her head to sophie. 

"then get on."

before keefe runs off with tam, he says, very quickly, "they're good people. not all of them. not my parents. but there are good people in the village."

 linh nods, and sophie dips with the movement. 

"we'll be careful. now go."

sophie and linh fight the mob, led by lord cassius. linh's strong, but in her current form her magic is weak, and there's too many of them- sophie keeps them off of linh as best she can, but they're just two people, linh hasn't fought in ages, and they're trying to pull their punches.

they hold them off for as long as they can, but it's not enough. they overwhelm linh. they pull sophie off her back, and lady gisela, who is smart, grabs her and holds a knife to her neck. 

"stop," she says. "or the girl dies." 

linh goes still. 

"linh, no," sophie begs, but she does not move, does not look away from sophie even as lord cassius lifts his sword and stabs into the soft flesh just behind her head.

 they take rope. they tie sophie to linh's body as she sobs. 

"spread out. search the castle. find my son, at any cost." 

"he's not yours," sophie cries, as the mob scatters. 

lord cassius looks at her, once, and then he turns away.

 keefe and tam, in the tower, hear the noises downstairs, the sudden silence that means nothing good. 

"do you know how to use a sword?" tam asks.

keefe nods. 

tam reaches into the darkness by the thorns and pulls out a sword, shadows curling off the edges. keefe stares, open-mouthed. 

"my sister wasn't the only one with magic," tam says, smiling, before he glances at his body. "i think- if i do too much, it'll break this, and kill me, but i can give you this." 

and just then, the thorns curl back as if burned, and lady gisela enters the room.

"keefe,” she says, reaching for him. “come back. stop this, come home with me. i did this for you, you know. i'll give you power. you'll be able to change the world. isn't that what you always wanted?" 

"i don't want anything from you," he says, and swings. 

keefe's good with a sword but he's never had to use it in combat before. and what's more, gisela trained him. gisela knows how he fights. and for all that he is in danger, he doesn't want to kill his mom. 

the sword is helping him, pushing force behind his strikes and blocking attacks with its wisps of shadow, but it's not enough to beat gisela. he manages to fight her to a standstill, sword pressed up against her shield of flickering power, but it's taking all keefe's strength to do that. 

"you'll see," gisela says, gathering power in her other hand. "i'll take you with me, and you'll do great things." 

keefe shakes his head, but there's nothing he can do to stop her. 

then he hears, "kiss me before i die, okay?" 

and just as gisela raises her hand, the sword explodes.

when the darkness fades, lady gisela is unconscious. the only sounds in the room are that of keefe's heavy breathing, and behind him, the rattling, raspy breaths of a dying body, on the dais behind him. 

keefe turns, and sees blood.

tam is back in his body. tam, who knew it would kill him, who did it anyway to keep keefe from his mother. 

kiss me before i die, okay? 

he wants tam to be awake for this. he wants to stumble over a confession, and he wants tam to shut him up, and he wants tam to kiss him back. but if this is all he gets, then. well. nothing’s fair. this is the least he can do. 

keefe leans in.

 sophie leans against linh's body. the water is cold but linh is still warm and she thinks of the last time they did this, when sophie fell asleep in the basement and linh curled around her to make her comfortable. she thinks of waking up to a smile that was all teeth and fangs and somehow, still soft and kind. she thinks of what she wanted to say, then. 

"i love you," she whispers, to someone who can't hear her anymore.

and linh's body begins to glow.

 up in the tower, keefe kisses tam, just once, quick and gentle. when he pulls away, tam's body is still, and keefe pretends he doesn't notice the tears that drip onto tam's face. 

but then something catches the corner of his eye, and he looks up. 

all around him, the thorns are blooming into dark purple roses, shining at the edges of their petals with a strange light. he looks to tam's chest, where the shafts of the arrows are growing, twisting together before they, too, burst into bloom, and dissipate into petals.

the blue glow around linh's body gets stronger, and brighter, until it hurts sophie's eyes, but she doesn't look away. around her, she hears, faintly, shouting, but it can't seem to reach her. the light twists, turns, and then the ropes go slack. in her arms is a girl, thin and pale, with waist-long black hair and torn clothes. 

her eyes blink open, grey-blue. she smiles, and sophie knows her, even without the teeth. 

"linh," she says. 

"i heard you." 

sophie reaches for her hand and laces their fingers together. linh looks at it in wonder, as if she's forgotten what it felt like, to have hands. 

"ready?" sophie asks. 

"always," linh says, and then, as the mob approaches, she raises her voice. "i am princess linh of exilium. this is my kingdom, and you are going to leave." 

sophie calls on all linh’s shown her about magic, on the glowing thing at the center of her chest, and together, they pull.

 the petals fall, gently, to tam's chest. the arrows are gone. so is the wound. 

"keefe?" says a shaky, familiar voice. 

he looks back. tam's eyes are open. 

"you idiot," he says. "you died." 

"you saved me," tam tells him, and keefe, helplessly, has no clever response to that. 

"i love you," he says, instead. 

"i love you too." 

and then the ground beneath them starts to rumble. keefe glances around them, worried, but tam laughs, once, bright and wondering. 

"that's my sister. that's linh. she's back."

 the lake washes through the castle. it sweeps up the villagers, the swords, the weapons. it washes into the tower and takes the dais and lady gisela with it. keefe scoops tam into his arms and they walk down, untouched by the raging current, as tam lifts a hand and starts to pull the last of the demon’s shadows from gisela and the villagers that pass them. they twist around each other, before dissipating into nothing but harmless wisps. 

sophie and linh are there, in the foyer, hands clasped at the center of it all, as the waters curl and turn around them. 

"can i kiss you?" sophie says, half breathless. 

and linh leans in, and in the center of a bright blue whirlpool, kisses her.

[stardustanddaffodils]

The Smell of Petrichor - Chapter Two

I’m not super happy with this, but if I hang onto it any longer it’ll never see the light of day, and I’d like to at least get it out before May. So, without further ado, chapter two of my fic for @kotlc2021collab. Also thank youuuu to @skimmilk11​ for her encouragement!!

masterlist

Word count: 1143

Pairings: Kam

Warnings: food, yelling, not taking care of oneself properly, lmk if i missed anything!

*

“Back again?” a rough voice called as Keefe made his way into Starstone Brews the following day.

“Yeah, my roommate kicked me out. Something about how I was distracting them from studying or whatever.”

“That does sound like you,” Tam mused nonchalantly.

“Excuse me! How would you know?”

“Just because we haven’t really talked, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been in a class with you for a good while. Do you know how distracting you are? I mean—”

Keefe didn’t let him finish before he interrupted with a teasing jab. “Oh, so I’m distracting, huh?”

“Oh, shut up!” Tam’s bangs covered his face like a curtain, but Keefe could tell that he was probably as pink as his hair. “Erm, what’s your order?”

“Same as yesterday?”

“Perfect.”

Keefe handed over his money before Tam could ask. Tam raised an eyebrow. “You remembered that from yesterday?”

“Yup. Photographic memory. Cool, no?”

“Whatever boosts your ego.”

“Hey!”

Tam laughed, a surprisingly beautiful sound that was distorted by a yawn, and strolled away to prepare Keefe’s order. “You’re welcome.”

Keefe found a seat and pulled out his work, doodling in the margins of his notebook—what, you expected him to actually work?—until Tam came over with his food.

“Thanks,” Keefe said. Tam hummed out a “You’re welcome” and headed off with a tired smile. Keefe kept working on a simple sketch of the man at a nearby table.

A circle for the head, then a rectangular shape for the chin. Lines slowly formed shoulders, hunched forward, a circle becoming a placeholder for fingers grasping the page of a book. Keefe lost himself in the process, absently sipping his drink and nibbling his pastry as he sketched.

“TAM SONG!”

Abruptly made aware of the world around him, Keefe started with a high pitched yelp that he would deny ever came out of his mouth, pencil smearing a jagged line across the paper. He and all of the other patrons glanced in the direction of the shriek, which seemed to have come from a very enraged-looking Linh Song.

From behind the counter, Tam looked up nervously. “Yeah?”

“Do you mean to tell me that you haven’t taken a break all day?” If Linh was a cartoon character, her entire face would’ve been tomato red.

Tam nodded sheepishly, ducking his head as though his bangs would be enough to shield him from his sister’s fury. Linh grabbed his wrist with a huff and dragged him out from behind the counter and towards the nearest vacant seat—incidentally, one quite close to Keefe. Then she marched off, grumbling to herself. Keefe blinked at Tam.

“Remind me never to get on your sister’s bad side.”

Tam snorted. “Yeah, she’s… scarier than she looks. You get used to it, though.”

“Do you really?”

“Well, sort of.”

“That’s code for no, isn’t it?”

Tam chuckled. “Yeah, you got me there.”

An easy silence fell between the two, and Keefe focused his attention on the man he had been sketching. What had drawn him here? What was he reading? Was the cafe an escape from noisy children or a stressful job? Was the book recommended by a friend or a spouse, perhaps—he was wearing a ring, so he was probably married—or maybe it was a reread, a trip down memory lane, or something for work (or school, maybe he took classes somewhere). The man rubbed at the sleeve of his sweater, a threadbare red pullover with the white collar of a shirt poking out over it, and Keefe wondered if there was a story behind the sweater as well. Maybe it was a comfort object, or a gift from a loved one. Was the small smile that had just appeared on the man’s face a result of his book or his food or a memory or something else entirely?

Keefe was almost glad that he would never find the answers.

“What are you looking at?” Keefe tucked that thread of thought away and glanced warily at Tam.

“Nothing.” The idea of telling someone else about his arguably weird hobby made something in Keefe’s stomach twist—it felt like an invasion of sorts.

Thankfully, Tam let the subject drop, and quiet spread between them once more. Keefe studied Tam out of the corner of his eye. The other boy’s gaze was distant—what was he thinking about? What was hiding behind those vibrant pink bangs (a color that really didn’t go with the rest of his aesthetic, what was that about?) and that careful, gruff voice? There was a storm brewing in the barista’s silvery eyes, and part of Keefe desperately wanted to know what it was—the other was afraid to find out. His life had been endless rain for so long, but the sun was finally shining in clear skies. Tam was a dark cloud on the horizon, and Keefe didn’t know if he was the rejuvenating rains after a drought or a devastating hurricane. Only time would tell, he supposed, and either way, Keefe knew he wasn’t running.

Time faded away and reappeared when Linh returned with some snacks and a glass of water for Tam before giving her brother the evil eye and stalking away. Once she was safely out of earshot Tam pouted adorably at Wylie. “Why’d you have to rat me out?” he complained lightly.

Wylie only smiled. “Because if I can’t get you to take care of yourself, I know Linh will.”

“Well, he does make a good point,” Keefe added wisely, smirking.

Tam elbowed him, his next words distorted by a mouthful of muffin. “Shut up.” Keefe grinned around a bite of pastry and tried to return to his homework, but he soon flopped onto his notebook with a melodramatic groan.

“What’s wrong?”

“School,” he proclaimed, voice muffled by the papers pressing against his face. Tam nodded sympathetically and nibbled at his food before his expression brightened.

“Hey, do you want to work on the psych assignments together?”

Keefe grunted into his notebook before stopping to actually consider the offer. “That—actually, that would be great, I’m completely stuck.”

Tam peered over his shoulder, close enough for Keefe’s face to grow inexplicably warmer. Must have been body heat or some other logical explanation.

Keefe decided to worry about that later.

The two worked together until Wylie told them he had to close up. As Keefe gathered up his belongings and prepared to leave, Tam tapped his shoulder. Keefe looked up.

“Do you want to maybe do this again sometime?” Tam fiddled with his bangs. “I mean, uh, not that I enjoyed working with you, but we work pretty well together and I was wondering if you wanted to do this again or something?”

Keefe prayed he wasn’t blushing too visibly. “Yeah, I suppose I could tolerate that.”

From nearby, Wylie gave a cough that sounded suspiciously similar to a poorly disguised laugh.

[a-lonely-tatertot]

Kam and physical affection

Wow, anon you can't just give me this and expect me to not write an entire fic about it.

Just Keep Holding Me, Cause This Entire Time You’ve Been My Life Line

a/n: This is what I do instead of my school which I am currently behind in I hope you’re happy probably the fastest I've ever written and posted a fic so eyy, also unlocked spoilers

words: 1715

tw: nothing 

The first time it happened was an accident. The brush of knuckles that sent sparks of adrenaline through Tam’s arm. What the heck? he had thought. 

He had watched Keefe for a while now. How careless he was with his touch. He’d give Sophie hugs and friendly forehead kisses when she was tired. Sophie would lean into his touch. Fitz, Keefe would randomly throw over his shoulder when he was getting too uptight, too Vacker-ish. He bounce around till Fitz was giggling and weakly saying “stop stop” between gasps and everyone knew he really didn’t mean it. Biana he’d give piggyback rides, or catch her when she would dramatically pretend to swoon. They would dance around each other for fun, swinging, dipping, something they had done since they were kids and were not above showing off. When Dex was around Keefe’s arm was always around his shoulder, or he was giving cheek kisses and making Dex’s entire face seem on fire. Linh and Keefe would always greet each other with a hug and Linh lifting Keefe up off the ground for a second. Marella and him traded arm punches, fistbumps, high fives, whatever. Even Stina when she was in a good mood he would rest his head on her’s or link his arm through hers and drag her to some shiny thing he saw. Ever since Tam had known him Keefe was touch. But the one person he never touched was Tam, and Tam couldn’t explain how much he ached for it. 

When their knuckles brushed Tam tried to play it off. Tried to ignore the way his stomach flipped the way his arm buzzed. He just wasn’t used to it okay. But later that afternoon it happened again, and Tam caught Keefe’s gaze knowing he knew exactly what he was feeling. 

-

They were researching for the Neverseen and Tam and Keefe had ended up in the same time slot. Keefe was grabbing a book that was high up and was half climbing the bookcase when, as Tam had warned, he fell backward. Keefe grabbed wildly Tam’s arm and Tam gripped Keefe’s shirt. “Didn’t I tell you this would happen?” Tam scolded him when he caught his breath. 

“Yeah well I had to at least try,” Keefe said. Huffing Tam shook his head but didn’t say anything. Slowly he realized how close they were. How he was touching Keefe. How he couldn’t catch his breath because ancients why did Keefe have to look so good dissolved and grinning? He had probably been holding on for too long by then and he was trying to tell himself to let go but it wasn’t happening because Tam wanted the moment to last forever. But Keefe was noticing. “You can let go now Tammy, I’m not gonna fall over again,” Keefe laughed.

So Tam let go, ignoring how much he didn’t want to. They went to get the ladder and he banished the way he felt from his mind.

-

Keefe was out, Tam wasn’t. Everything in him was awake, screaming, replaying Keefe’s twisted face over and over as the shadowflux entered him. He hated every second. Please let him be okay, Tam begged. Please.

He was cradling Keefe’s head in his hands trying not to cry because that’s not what everyone needed. He needed to be strong, to get them out of there. Sophie said something, said she would get Keefe to Elwin, and all Tam could do was nod. And she was running and he was staring at a crime scene where he was the killer. 

-

Keefe was awake. Keefe was awake. And Tam was standing outside of Elwin’s door. To apologize? To see how he was? To make sure there was still some chance that Keefe would want him in his life? Honestly, Tam had no clue but he was here. Elwin answered the door and smiled softly in a way that tore Tam’s insides to pieces with guilt, before calling out to Keefe. Keefe showed up with a pad and paper and a grin that Tam didn’t know why it was directed at him. 

Shady McSilverbangs! Keefe’s messy handwriting wrote. Tam expected him to be mad, to not want to see him, to throw insults at him through paper. Not to greet him with a smile and a new nickname. 

Suddenly it was just the two of them, and suddenly Tam was getting dragged by his hand up stares to Keefe’s room where Keefe only gave him a second to breathe before he was crushing him in a hug. “Hi,” Tam whispered, arms hesitantly wrapping around Keefe. 

“Hi,” Keefe said so softly Tam thought he imagined it. 

“Everyone said I shouldn’t come, but I was just so scared you would hate me I’m so sorry-” Tam was cut off by Keefe squeezing him lightly.

“I don’t hate you. Not even for a second,” Keefe whispered. “I’ve never hated you.” All Tam could do was nod weakly into Keefe’s shoulder. 

They stayed like that for who knows how long until Keefe pulled away to show him around. They talked for hours, sometimes through paper, sometimes just speaking softly. When Tam went to leave finally, and the sun was starting to sink, Elwin came up to him. 

“I’m glad he talked to you, he’s barely talked at all.” Something like pride swelled up in Tam’s heart as he left.

-

It had been ten months. Ten months since Tam had saw Keefe’s face. He didn’t get a letter like Sophie and he honestly tried not to feel hurt but it didn’t work. Ten month’s later, in the middle of a fight with the Neverseen who, once again, trying to capture them he saw Keefe’s face. At first, he thought it was an illusion, maybe he was just too tired from fighting. Or maybe blood loss? He was bleeding. 

“HAHA SUCKERS THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED!” Keefe’s distinct voice shouted from the distance, and Tam couldn’t help but grin as the world seemed to pause in surprise. Someone, probably Fitz or Dex let out a whoop and everything started up again. He was fighting, metal clinks surrounded him, and he could taste copper in his mouth. He pushed and pushed surrounding the figure in front of him in tendrils but there were too many and he was surrounded. 

“Hey Shady looks like you could you some help,” Keefe called. 

“No shit get over here!” Tam called back. They fought on, somehow Keefe had learned to focus his power,  putting the Neverseen around him to sleep. “That’s useful,” Tam noted.

“Yeah. Hey,” Keefe spun around to face him and gripped his arm, “when this is over we need to talk.”

Tam couldn’t help the butterflies in his stomach. Apparently, ten months made everything worse, he cleared his throat, “Yes we definitely need to talk, but I think Sophie deserves an explanation more than me.”

“I’ve been sitting on this for ten months I can only wait so long Tam,” Keefe said something unnameable fulling his eyes for just a second, then he was off and something else was stealing Tam’s attention.

-

Everyone made it out alive, and the Neverseen was crippled in the process. So all and all it was one heck of a win for them. When it was all over and the Neverseen had retreated and Tam got himself out of his daze started to search for Keefe. He found Keefe getting dragged by the ear by Elwin who was happy and very very pissed and was making that very clear. 

It took about an hour for Elwin to get done yelling and checking everyone to make sure they were okay. As soon as Elwin said he was good to go Tam found himself getting dragged by Keefe back into the forest where they had fought. “You better not be trying to kill me,” Tam said acutely aware of how Keefe was holding his hand. Keefe let out a chuckle before turning to face him. 

“Uh no actually,” Keefe started and the first thing Tam noticed was that he was nervous. Why the heck was he nervous. “You know the first thing I noticed when I was in the Forbidden Cities? Well, other than the fact that ice cream is absolutely delicious. I noticed I missed you. I missed our banter, and I miss your smile that you do when you think no one is looking. The way you seemed too short circuit every time anyone seemed to show the smallest bit of affection for you. I even missed your bangs,” Keefe chuckled again and rubbed the back of his neck before continuing. “It took a lot of thinking and a new friend to tell me that I actually had a crush on you, which sent me full throttle into a sexuality crisis so that was fun. Apparently, humans have so many names for that stuff? Yeah well um, I guess what I’m saying is that-” he paused and Tam was thrown into a small rabbit hole of panic and wondering what he was saying. “Tam, I really like you, like ten months pinning and realizing I was so stupid leaving you type of I like you. And if you’d let me I’d really like to be your boyfriend.” Tam’s eyes widened as he tried to process everything. Keefe dropped Tam’s hand like it had burned him, “I mean unless I read everything wrong and you don’t feel like that I’m really sorry I shouldn’t have said that I’m going-”

Tam kissed him. Full throttle kissed him, their teeth clacked and his mouth hurt for a second but when Keefe kissed him back it didn’t matter. He grinned into the smile and let Keefe hoist him up and spin him around like some stupid human romance movie that Sophie had showed him. Not even the fact that their friends had seen them and started clapping and whooping and probably trading money could embarrass him. “So is that a yes?” Keefe asked softly when they stopped for a breath and leaned their foreheads together. 

“No,” he said in complete seriousness and watched as Keefe’s eyes widened. “Yes, it’s a yes you idiot!” 

Keefe let out a startled laugh before kissing him again and a new round of shouts rang out.

[bronte-deserves-better]

Congrats on 50 followers! Could you please do a kam fic? Thanks!!!

So I got two requests for Kam, and while usually I’d be happy to write two, I have about 7 other requests/prompts sitting in my inbox, so I’m going to have to combine these two.

---

“You’re such a jerk!” 

“Oh, like you’re not, bangs boy?”

Tam’s glare could probably kill a small animal, that’s how poisonous it was. “I thought I told you not to call me that.”

“What’s a few nicknames between friends?” Keefe knew that would make Tam even more irate, which was of course his goal.

“We are not friends,” the shade snarled. “You’re just a narcissistic idiot.”

“Do you hate me that much?” He was expecting an instant yes, but Tam just snarled further and stuck his hand at Keefe.

“You’re the empath, you tell me.”

Did bangs boy just invite me to hold his hand?

Keefe took the offered hand and winced at the thunderstorm of emotions. Linh might have been the hydrokinetic of the pair, but Tam was far more stormy in personality and the rage he held was frankly overwhelming. Keefe came away with the impression that Tam still hated him- and nothing happened to correct that impression for a good while yet.

-

Keefe glanced over to where Tam was standing a good distance from the rest of the group. He had been stationary for a bit too long, staring into the distance, and Keefe was starting to actually get worried.

“Hey, bangs boy!”

No reply.

“Bangs boy!”

Nothing.

“Tam!”

When Tam still didn’t reply, Keefe got up and went over to him. “Hey, bangs boy.”

“What do you want?” Tam snapped. His voice was softer than usual, a contrast to the harsh words.

Keefe tried for a smirk. “For you to acknowledge how great my hair is.” 

Tam didn’t smile, and after a moment, Keefe dropped his own smile. “No, I wanted to..see if you were okay.”

That would have usually earned him a snappy comment, but Tam just turned away. “You tell me, empath boy.”

Keefe found himself reaching for Tam’s hand. “As you wish.” The flood of sorrow and fear was overwhelming, and he stumbled back. “Jeez, bangs boy. Not really okay, I see. What’s got you so afraid?”

Tam shot him a glare, but Keefe didn’t waver and eventually Tam gave in. “Worried about not being a good brother to Linh.”

“Are you kidding? You’re the best brother!” He coughed, suddenly aware of the fact that he had just complimented bangs boy. “I mean, you seem pretty decent, even if I don’t like you.”

“Our parents always said my bad attitude would drag her down.”

“Come on, you should never listen to what your parents say. You know they’re full of bullshit, just like my dad.”

“Yeah. They are.”

“Feel a bit better?” Keefe asked.

Tam looked away again. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“Anytime. Bangs boy.”

-

Keefe couldn’t breathe. And not necessarily in a bad way. Because Tam was right there and their noses were practically touching oh and had he mentioned that he couldn’t breathe? And that bangs boy was surprisingly hot?

Right. Focus. What was Tam saying?

“-and I’m really fed up with that damn smirk of yours!”

“This one?” He tried to sound sassy, but he thought it had come out more breathless.

“Yes!” Tam growled. “It makes me feel things. Stupid things!”

His breathe caught. “Does bangs boy have a crush?”

“No- yes- you’re the empath, why don’t you tell me!”

Keefe wasn’t sure what possessed him to reach out and put a hand on Tam’s cheek instead of just taking his hand, but the other boy turned scarlet. Keefe was sure he was blushing just as hard as he felt Tam’s heart pounding. His cheek was soft. And warm, probably from the blushing. And he really did have very nice eyes, now that Keefe though about it-

“Well?”

Keefe almost jumped, having forgotten he was supposed to be reading emotions, not staring at Tam. “’Fraid I can’t tell you, bangs boy. You gotta figure out your own feelings.”

Tam let out a huff. “You’re incredibly frustrating, you know that, right?”

“I try.”

“How am I supposed to deal with emotions?”

Keefe batted his eyelashes jokingly. “You could give me a kiss.”

He didn’t expect Tam to actually take him up on that. Or for it to be so damn nice.

They broke apart, both breathing heavily.

“So what’s your verdict?” Keefe asked, once he could make his mouth form words. “Cause I’d say you seem like you like me.”

“Shut up,” Tam hissed.

Keefe smirked. “Make me.”

Linh’s squeak when she and the others found them in that position perhaps twenty minutes later was somewhere between startled and victorious. “Aaa!”

“I KNEW IT!” Biana shouted.

“Ew,” Fitz commented, but his voice sounded more fond than anything.

Biana seemed gleeful. “Aaaa I’m so happy for you!” 

And Keefe and Tam had to put up with a whole lot of teasing. 

---

Not my best work but I hope you enjoyed it anyways!

[broken-heartedgirlff]

Chapter 34 ~ Incomplete

Even though it seems I have everything I don't want to be a lonely fool All of the women, all of the expensive cars, all of the money don't amount to you (you can have it all) I can make believe I have everything, but I can't pretend that I don't see (Just give me my baby) That without you girl my life is incompleteEven though it seems I have everything I don't want to be a lonely fool All of the women, all the expensive cars, all the money don't amount to you So I can make believe I have everything, but I can't pretend that I don't see That without you girl my life is incomplete Without you girl Without you girl Without you girl you girl my life is incomplete Without you girl you girl my life is incomplete Oh yeah My life is incomplete

Olivia

We had to go to court, because today was the last hearing for us suing Avery for  full custody of Aden and me adopting him.  

It broke my heart that we were dragging him in this, and no matter what happens I will always treat him and love him as my son. I’m getting all of the kids therapy after this. Avery has tried everything in the book to destroy this case, but my lawyer was the best family lawyer in the state.   

She even had Aiden taken out of our home, and put in a temporary foster home until everything was solved. When I tell you I cried when they took my baby boy. He calls me every time he needs something and we talk every day. If we could, I would go see him everyday, but we have to go by the book in order to win. So it’s been supervised visits for the past few months.

It hurt that I couldn’t represent myself and Jeremiah in the case, because I had to put my trust in a man that I hurt. But Jordan was absolutely amazing at handling the case, and he didn’t put personal feelings in our dealings. He respected Jeremiah and vice versa.  

They are hearing the testimony of Aiden first and then the judge was going to tell us what is going to happen, and I am absolutely nervous.  

“Olivia, can you stop pacing please? You’re making me dizzy.” Jeremiah mumbled.

We were in the hallway outside of the courthouse, and I couldn’t sit still.

“His testimony is taking too long J.” I said, I was really nervous.

“I know you’re nervous, but please.” He pleaded with me, I knew that he was also just as nervous, because if everything went in Avery’s favor, she would make our life a living hell.

I finally sat down, and held his hand, and whispered my worst fear “I don’t want to leave here without him J. I don’t know if I can take that.”

“I know. Trust me I know.” He said kissing my head.

Before I could even respond, the bailiff came out and got us. Jeremiah and I walked in with our heads held high. We couldn’t let Aiden or Avery know that we are scared.

The judge called everything to order.

“I have went over every single piece of this case. Every time that a case like this comes to my desk, it upsets me. That not everyone involved can get along with each other for sake of the child in question. Aiden is a very bright boy, he knows exactly what is going on and is trying his best to stay happy, but all he wants to do is go home.

With all that being said, Ms. Jordan your team gave a compelling case, its obvious that you care for your son.”

“I do your honor, he is my only child.” Avery spoke sweetly and I wanted to barf.

The judge acknowledged her outburst, but continued:

“If you love your child as much as you claim to, why did you blatantly ignore him the days he was supposed to be in your house without supervision. You only came back into Aiden’s life because of his father’s relationship with his wife. Aiden doesn’t remember you, but he can account all the times Olivia put him to sleep and nursed him while he was sick.

Now for Mr. and Mrs. Lavigne, it’s obvious that you care for the boy as well. Especially you Mrs Lavigne. Aiden speaks extremely highly of you and his father. He loves his brother and sisters and his home life. But Mrs. Lavigne, as an officer of the court, I would expect you to have a higher regard, and not fight Ms. Jordan, every time she does something you don’t like. That can jeopardize this case and your career.”

I simply nodded my head, because he was right, I have literally been arrested 3 times since this case started because Avery cant stop talking shit and she acts like I won’t hit her. Of course because of my reputation, they don’t put these arrests on my record, but obviously the judge knows of my wrong doings.

“Like I said, I have looked at every single side of this case, and with my final decision, I grant Mr and Mrs. Lavigne, full custody of the child, Ms. Jordan, you are to have supervised visits with the child and if and only if the parents agree to let him spend unsupervised visits with you, I suggest you take them wisely. Aiden will be dropped off at your house with all of his belongings with the social worker, as soon as court is adjourned. Being that Mrs. Lavigne needs Ms. Jordan to recuse her parental rights to adopt the boy, the request is denied because Ms. Jordan refuses to do so. Court Dismissed.”

I wasn’t happy about the adoption but I was happy that he can finally come home. Before I could even speak, Avery came and slapped the shit out of Jeremiah.

“I HATE YOU!!! HOW DO YOU TURN MY SON AGAINST ME TO CHOSE HER OVER ME! JUST LIKE YOU’VE DONE FOR YEARS!!!” She screamed.

I went to jump up and defend him, but Jeremiah stopped me.

“I will never allow him to be alone with you. I will never allow him to disrespect you, but you don’t get to disrespect my wife. I did that years ago, when I stepped out of my marriage to create Aiden, and it will stop today. Olivia has been nothing but wonderful to him, unlike you have, that’s why he chose her over you.” He turned to me and reached out to grab my hand.

“Our son is waiting for us.”

And we left to go home. Sure enough Aiden and the social worker were waiting in the car outside of our house when we pulled up.

I couldn’t hurry enough to get out of the car, apparently neither could Aiden. By the time I came around to the back of the car, he was running towards me. I dropped down on my knees and he threw his body into me, hugging me.

I was crying, my baby is home, and I am never letting him go.

Xavier

Living by myself has been an adventure. Not in a good way either. I miss my wife, and I miss my girls. I think that it’s crazy that Kamryn wants a divorce. I gave her, the space she asked for, and I thought she would want me back, but she only asked for a divorce.

What’s even crazier, is that we have amazing sex still. Which pushes back our separation papers. Legally we have to be separated for 6 months, before getting a divorce meaning every time we have sex, the clock re-starts. Yet, we are in each other’s bed every week, when we trade off on the girls.

Which is where we are now. We just got done fucking and it was amazing, I don’t know why I ever cheated on her, but I regret it everyday.

She instantly got up to go to the bathroom, to clean herself up and she came back and got dressed.

“Are you going to stay the night?” I asked her.

“Nope. Mom has the girls, have to get back.” She said back to me.

“But, you can stay.”

She sighed, “Xavier, this is just sex, I just want your dick. You know that you’re the only person I have ever been with. We are still getting a divorce, Plus you have a ‘woman friend’ whatever she is.”

She was right, I was seeing Callie again. I was mad at the girls that they told her, but I know its hard to keep things from Kam. But She didn’t seem to mind, and neither did I, so we kept up our arrangement. But with Callie, everything was different this time, and we were actually happy. But I couldn’t stay away from Kamryn. Sometimes, it seems like Kam is happy that I have someone else.

“I’m not staying because she lives here with you, don’t give me that face, the girls tell me everything. Im not staying, because I fell out of love with you, years ago. We just have sex and we co-parent. That’s it.”

As soon as she got dressed, Callie walked into the room and say me naked in bed and Kam leaving.

Kam just chuckled, said bye to me and patted Callie on the shoulder, “You now know how I feel Calliope.” and walked out.  

“Really Xavier? My bed? When it was reversed, I had the decency not to step in HER HOUSE!” She said with tears in her eyes.  

I really couldn’t say anything, because I wasn’t sorry. I cared about Callie, I cared about our relationship but I care about Kamryn more. Callie knew that.

“Next time, keep her out of my bed.” She mumbled, slamming the bed room door, leaving me alone in my bliss of Kamryn.

Dominic 

Today was the day. The day that my doctor clears me, and I don’t have to walk with assistance, I would still go to PT but not that much, and I could finally start driving.  These past 18 months  has been absolutely draining, with me being in a coma, the birth of my daughter, the uphill battle between Giselle and I. I can genuinely say that everyone is in a phenomenal place. 

Giselle decided to stay after our agreement, and I couldn’t have been happier. She was everything to me, and now I had my family back and this time we’re going to do this right.

“Daddy, can I hang out with Sage at Aunt Liv’s?” Angel said running in the room, with a new walking Dominique behind her.

I smiled at both of my daughters. They were absolute perfection. I slowly stood and bent to pick up Dominique from the floor, I knew that she was soon to put anything in her mouth. She instantly laid her head on my shoulder and put her fingers in her mouth.

“I don’t care, you have to ask your mother though. She’d have to take you.” I said to her.

She instantly sighed, “But she’s going to tell me no.”

“You don’t know until you ask.”  

“Fine. But I already know the answer.” She stormed out the room, and as soon as she left, Niq started to whine and reach out to Angel.

“Angel, Niq wants you!” I yelled.

“She’s been following me all day! Keep her!!” She yelled back, going to find Giselle

I soothed her as best as I could, and whispered in a baby voice “Your sissy, is a big meanie huh?”

That instantly had her laughing.

“Cmon, let’s find your mommy and brother in the house.”

~

At Physical therapy, along with my doctor, they were checking my motor functions as well as where I had gotten shot.

It was a miracle that I am getting out of this now. I should’ve been paralyzed for the rest of my life. But it’s nothing but the Grace of God and I am truly thankful.

Giselle was sitting in the seat, and I know that she was anxious to hear what the doctors had to say because she was constantly shaking her leg.

“Baby, please calm down.” I chuckled at her.

She rolled her eyes, “I can’t, I just want them to say everything is good. I’m nervous.”

I shook my head and followed through with my session.

About and hour later, my doctor told me that he wants to see me walking without any assistance.

“Where do you want to walk to?” I asked.

He sat in silence for a minute and asked Giselle about 25 Feet in front of me and she got up and walked to the spot.

I was kind of nervous because she had never seen me walk by myself. In the house, I typically walk with a cane or a walker or if I’m with the kids, they hold my hand and give me strength to not lose my balance.

At first, it was a struggle, but I just kept looking at Giselle, and I knew that everything was going to be okay. She was crying, but tried to wipe it away, so I wouldn’t see, but it just made me happier. When I got about 5 feet in front of her, she told me that my shoe was untied.

I bent down to tie my shoe,  

“Is everything Okay D? I can do it for you” She called out.

“I’m good, I promise.” I said to her,

I then acted like I was getting back up, but instead I took the ring box out of my pocket and got on one knee.

She looked at me with wide eyes and covered her mouth. I took her left hand, and said

“I’ve known you since you were 15 and I fell in love with you on day one, back in the principal’s office. We were torn apart and brought back together so many times, I don’t know how you still love me or put up with me. Not only are you raising our beautiful children, you’ve accepted my daughter as your own, which made me love you even more because you didn’t have to.  

You stayed when I was in the hospital, you were there when I didn’t have anyone else. That time when you did leave and the times we were apart from each other, my heart ached for you. Without you Gi, my life is meaningless, sad, and incomplete. I want to spend every single day with you, until I’m gone.

Yes, we are already married but we’ve never had the actual experience of being married. I have asked this question so many times, under different circumstances each time, now I want to get it right this time, here, today, when I walked to you and all I could see was you at the end of my journey, I want to ask it for the final time.

Giselle Marie Boudreaux, will you make me the happiest man on this planet, and marry me?”

By the time I finished talking she had tears rolling down her face.

“Of Course I will Dominic.”

[artificialqueens]

Objects in the Rear View Mirror (Craquaria) - Chapter 15 - Saiph

If you really want to, then I’d love to be the body that you hold onto - Chapter Fifteen

Aquaria/Kameron/Brianna PoV

So many things you need to know, so many left to say

But you mean more than words I know,

I can help you chase the pain away

We leave the party not long after Nebraska and Sjoerd. Kameron calls a cab and we are impatient for it to arrive, we still have so much things to talk and the time is running off our hands. Once we reach the Michaels’ house, we rush to the front door, and Kameron drops the keys a couple of times before Brianna finally opens the door, her pulse steadier than ours.

Kicking out our shoes, we finally go to the backyard, sitting on the stairs of the door. “I can’t believe your mother is selling this house”, Brianna says, looking blankly to the tree in the far end of the garden. “I mean, even though this was the last place we saw each other so many years ago, this place is full of stories and memories of your family.” She adds, now looking at Kameron, who sighs deeply.

“I know, this place is full of my dad and full of you Bri, and now will always be full of Aquaria” she says, and I smile thinking of how in such a little time, we built memories in this place; the only place in all Cheyenne that has a shared story of the three of us. “I will always miss it, but right now, I have more important things to think about.” She stands up to kneel in front of us on the steps. “Right now, we need to figure out how we are going to make this work.”

Brianna sighs and I reach to hold one of their hands. “So, let’s start from the scratch”, I clear my throat and look straight to Brianna, whose beautiful face is taking a soft shade of pink. “We are doing this, like… we are sure to at least try and make it work, so we need to be totally honest with each other. The best way to start is speaking by myself” my voice is trembling and I take a deep breathe before I go on with my speech. “I love you Bri, with all my heart, I’ve never stopped doing it.”

Kameron squeezes my hand for a second, encouraging me to continue. “Nothing had ever been the same since I’ve lost you, nothing felt right until Kameron appeared, and I think… I think I want to love the both of you” I say, feeling a bit more confident. “I want to be yours from now on… if you both want me.” They’re looking at me, and I give one last sigh.

Bri’s hand leaves mine to go up and cup my cheek, a soft smile spreading on her lips. I bet she has never looked so beautiful. “I… dammit… I’m scared. It’s hard to admit it, because Lord knows how much I prayed for the time to get any of you back to me.” Her voice cracks in a sob, she averts her gaze, looking to the night sky. Clearing her throat, she looks at Kameron, who’s caressing carefully her blonde hair. “Kameron, you make me feel safe, loved and wanted, and seems surreal that your eyes show the same spark they had so many years ago, the first time we kissed.” Kameron lowers her face, her cheeks lit in red, making her look even more stunning.

“And you Aquaria… you make me feel powerful, invincible. Is like I can do anything if you’re holding my hand. We’ve been connected since before we were born, and my life feels so incomplete without you”. My heart thumps so strong I think it’s gonna jump off my chest. “I’ve been afraid for so long, and I didn’t know what to do… having you in the same place, at the same time was overwhelming”, she adds, her body shivering under our touch. “I still don’t know how we could make this work, but you’re giving me hope for the first time in years. The only thing I know now, is I don’t want to lose any of you, that would kill me.”

Unable to hold it back, I reach to hug her tightly, soon Kameron is joining us, running her hands over our backs. “That’s all I needed to know Bri, I love you too. And I promise to give myself to you girls. I wouldn’t understand a world where you’re not close to me.” I say to them, feeling a wave of peace going down my spine. “And you Kam? you’ve been so quiet, speak your mind,” I tell her, breaking the embrace, looking for her face. She cups our cheeks with her hands and closes her eyes briefly.

“You’re the most complicated and stubborn people i’ve ever known,” she says, holding back her laugh. “It took me just one night to know that I’d do whatever it takes to get you two with me. After you left early that morning, Aquaria, I knew that I wanted you as much as I want Brianna, and I realized that I may be crazy but I wouldn’t quit on any of you.” The clear honesty in her voice and the intensity in her eyes, finally giving me the chance to shed some happy tears.

You say you’re all alone,

and after all the changes you’ve been through today

You can use a little tenderness, right now

So… this is happening, like, the three of us together, and I feel my heart thumping like a drum, beating its way out of my chest. I wipe a stream of tears form Aquaria’s face with my thumb, she gives me a little smile, then, we both look at Brianna, who seems mesmerized looking at us. “I mean it… I really do”, I say to the both of them, pulling Brianna closer.

Brianna pulls me even closer and leans her head on Aquaria’s shoulder “as much as I love to  be like this, I guess we should move inside, it’s getting a little cold.” She says, not even attempting to be the first to break the embrace. “Also, we still have some things to figure out”, her voice a little weak while she speak.

Aquaria is the first to get some distance, taking the chance to kiss our cheeks once. She stands up and shiver “Bri’s right, it’s getting colder and I’m basically bare chest… come on girls, let’s get warm inside.” Her tone is playful, and soon both Brianna and I join her, walking back into the house. We go upstairs, where all my luggage is spread everywhere.

“Excuse the mess, I barely had time to get ready this morning” I say, a little embarrassed and picking up some of the clothes from the floor, I hear them laughing, and Brianna takes the clothing from my hands, putting it over my open case.

“There are things that never change, huh?”, she says, looking back at me. “You’ve always been like these, a little messy. It’s ok… I guess we still have time to fix this up” she walks towards me, and put her arms around my neck. “We have time, and now, all I need is to get off of this gown.” Brianna pouts and Aquaria stands behind her, already undoing her zipper.

Aquaria laughs biting her lower lip “I’d rather get you off that gown in a sexiest way, but I’m sure if I start, I’ll rip it off, and this baby deserves better.” We all laugh, and Bri steps back to take off the gown properly, Aquaria takes it and quickly put it on a discarded hanger, while I give Bri one of my tees to put on, then Aquaria does the same with my dress, finally I help her to take out hers and we all are wearing t-shirts and undoing our hair, finally comfortable with the domestic moment we’re sharing.

Once we’re done, I look at them “well girls, I hate to be the one starting with this, but before anything happens… cause I know it will, we need to talk.” I say, looking at them and reaching to take their hands to drag them to the bed. “Now that we decided we’re going to be together, we need to decide what’s next. Like, even before we go back to New York.” We sit on the mattress, facing each other, and Aquaria takes a deep sigh.

“You mean, as letting our families know?”, Aquaria asks, and we see Brianna’s face getting pale. “I don’t know how mom and momma would take the news. I mean, they know how I feel about Bri, and Momma doesn’t get at all how did I jump into your arms so easily Kam.” She sighs again, taking a little moment to reorganize her thoughts. “They’re open minded and so, but I’m not so sure how they will react to the three of us together.”

Brianna open and close her mouth a couple of times, then she speaks. “I think, before telling anything to them, we need to make sure that we all are on the same page.” My clever girl, always trying to find a safe spot, so she can get some certainty. “By now, saying we’re dating is kind of an euphemism, we know each other since forever, so… where are we?” She asks, more to herself than to us.

“I guess we are a throuple”, I say, not actually thinking. “We are together, in a romantic relationship, one that involves three instead of two. Polyamorous, that’s the word I was looking for.” Proud of myself, I smile at them. “And I guess it’s a committed one, isn’t it?”

Brianna nods and Aquaria leans her head to her right side. “Polyamorous… I like how it sounds, as far as I love the both of you.” Aquaria says, matter of factly and I nod. “And yes, I love the both of you too, gals. I’m only yours”, she adds, with a huge smile on her lips.

“I love you too Kammy, Aqua. I wouldn’t even think of trying something like this if it wasn’t with the both of you” Brianna says, and my heart melts by knowing for sure we all feel the same way. “So we’re in a committed polyamorous relationship.” She laughs and then shakes her head, “I was pathetically single when I came to Cheyenne and now I have two girlfriends, who would guess that, dammit!?” We all laugh, the simple idea of all of this happening is comforting, but still scary. I thought to get them both with me, but I have no clue on how to make this move forward into the future, now I know we’ll have to figure it out.

Ok, I’ve been alone,

and I can understand the way you feel tonight

Maybe together we can charge it all right now

How did I get so lucky? I can’t find another way to describe it, the simple thing of them reassuring they’re in love with each other and with me is comforting. No more doubting, no more choosing just one of them, no more getting them to make the decision. And this is how it starts, I take one of their hands on mine, pulling them to me. Feeling their closeness makes my heart skip a beat, I take a deep breathe and sneak my arms around their waists. “I want you girls… like really want you”, I say in a whisper, then Aquaria leans to kiss my lips and Kameron’s go to my neck, sucking lightly on my pulse point.

Before I could notice, our tees are thrown around the bed, over the cover, a mess of limbs, whispers and moans. My face between Kameron’s thighs and Aquaria lazily making out with her while touching me and Kameron’s fingers skillfully sliding inside Aquaria. I lift my gaze to look at them, the side of her faces colliding in a kiss that suddenly turned heated. I’ve never seen something so obscenely beautiful.

I’m not sure how much time we spend making love, but once we’re sated, we cuddle under the cover, our bodies still vibrating with reminiscing lust. “I love you girls… so much,” I whisper, distractedly tracing patterns on Aquaria’s back. They giggle, and Kameron pulls us closer.

“We love you too Bri, never forget that”, Kameron says in a soft voice that melt my insides. “And I love the both of you, I’m excited to start over with you holding my hands.” I hear a small part of the scared little girl I met so long ago, she’s still scared, as much as I am, but this time, we can face those demons together. This time, there are no ghosts building walls up between us.

Aquaria sighs, shifting a bit to get comfortable, her breathing getting slower with each passing minute. “I love you girls, but right now, I really, really need some sleep.” Her voice thick with tiredness and a last deep breathe, letting us know she’s asleep.

Kameron and I look at each other until we can’t stay awake anymore. And for the first time in years, i drift to a dreamless sleep.

Early in the morning, I wake up to an empty bed, I reach my phone on the nightstand and find it’s five to eleven. Stretching I get out of the bed, and make my way to the bathroom, my whole body is covered with love bites, and I smile at the memory of how did I got those. Downstairs, the faint sound of what seems Lady Gaga singing, getting louder while i go to the first floor. I find Aquaria dancing in her underwear, holding a hairbrush as her mic.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen her so carefree and happy. Her blonde hair flies while she dances, and Kameron is in the kitchen, fixing some discardable dishes with our take out breakfast, her head moving to the rhythm of the song. “Aqua, baby… we need to wake Bri, do you mind?”

Aquaria stops dancing and look at the stairs, where I’ve been watching them. “There’s no need for it Kam… good morning princess”, she says, walking to me and discarding the hairbrush before she could kiss me. Soon Kameron is with us, surrounding us with her strong arms. I feel safe.

We’re having breakfast and chit chatting when Aquaria’s phone rings “i have to take this girls.” She stands and we hear a muffled ‘hi mom’ from her.

“She’ll tell Sharon, I bet”, I say, looking at Kameron, who gets pale with the mere idea. “The sooner, the better, Kammy. We won’t be able to keep it a secret for long, just please, don’t panic.” I reach to hold her hand, and she nods, sighing. We didn’t really talked about how to share the news, and who will tell the families first. Not a surprise that Aquaria took the lead on that, but her deflated expression when she walks back say much more than she could.

“Mom and Momma want to see us, the three of us”, Aquaria says, a hint of worriedness in her voice. “She didn’t said much, but I think you should call Bob and Shane as soon as you can Bri, or Sharon Needles will cross the street to spread the news. By herself and face to face.”

I sigh loudly, I know dad will understand, but mom will be a whole other story. Aquaria hands me her phone and I call home. One, two, three rings, then my Dad’s voice breaks the silence.  He says Sharon called, inviting them to their house in a couple of hours, also asks if everything’s ok, cause she asked if I have called yet. I sit on the garden steps, and tell everything to him, who remains speechless until I finish rambling, then he says “I’ll keep ya’ mamma at bay, but I bet I’ll be tough lil’ cookie. See ya’ at Sharon’s.” And with those words, dad finished the call.

If you really want to,

I’d love to hold you

If you really want to,

then I’d love to be the body that you hold onto

[nymph-net]

ISSA STORYTIME

Ok I’m bored so ima tell y’all a wild ass story that happened to me first semester of my college experience; the story of when I got laced by a wild thot with some CRACK. Let’s get into the tea gorls

So I went to art school for communications design. I dont go there no more because it was hella racist, but a different story for a different day. The campus I went to was way up north, in Utica. Never heard of it? Didn’t think you would. Just imagine if the worst neighborhood in Detroit was an entire town with like no people and cows. I don’t know about y’all but at my school we had this thing called late night where we get snacks and shit in the cafeteria after dinner. I was one of 6 black boys in my entire school so it was always dry. So this particular late night I had got a pink wig and started fucking around and giving these crackers some life to entertain myself. My extra ass being who I was did stand-up for the entire night. Since it was early in the school year tho I aint really have no solid friends, so the people who I was gonna go smoke with finished their food and left me like some fucking snakes. When I was done I was deep in my feelings lol because bitch.....you gon spark up.....without me???

I was like “y’know what idgaf, I don’t need you niggas” because I’m likable, right? I could talk to anyone I wanted and make friends. That’s what my dumb ass thought even though I knew damn well these all were some back woods ass white people from Cousin Fucker Nowhere. So I’m standing in front of the dorms like “ok, if I was a white person who loved giving free weed to negroes, what would I look like?” and as though Satan himself heard me, this girl wearing dem Jerusalem B.Cs (you know what I’m talmbout) and a bright jacket that had to be from the thrift store because it smelled like pickled dick and horse radish extract walked past. I was like DING DING DING, gotcha Becky!! So I was like “omg hi sis, I always see you in class and I think your style is so cool blah blah” and all that fake shit. Naturally Linda felt gassed af and immediately offered to let me smoke with her. Yeah, yah boi got it like that.

But mama ain’t raise no fool and I seent Get Out so I don’t go nowhere with a white person without at least one other poc with me. So this couple I’m good friends with now was walking out of the dorms, we just gon call them Peanut & Jelly. They were quiet and both shy people so they didnt hang out much yet. They were also native and latino which was good enough for me so my loud ass was like “Aye, y’all smoke??” it’s 2017 so of course they smoke and I invite them to come smoke some of Margret's weed. Consider it reparations. Since they ain’t have no friends they were happy to come join us. Smh y’all if you see this I’m so sorry I got y’all into this lmao. Anyway Trisha was like “Super duper the more the merrier, let’s go :))” with her wild ass. But I remembered I still had some of my own weed left so we ran to my room and got it, but I ain’t have no bag to carry it in. So Ingrid said “Oh, I have a bag you can put it in” and pulled out this ashy ass ziploc bag. RED FLAG NUMBER ONE. But my clueless ass thought she just had some plaster or some shit in there before since we went to an art school. Smdh.

Shortly before we depart Peanut and I are getting everything together and making sure there’s no smell. While this is happening Jelly watches Rebecca spread some “dust” on her gums. RED FLAG NUMBER TWO. This nigga thought it was candy dust or something. No one in this equation is particularly bright. But anywhore, we started making moves to this parking lot/roof that we usually hung out at. I was hoping my friends fake asses would be there so I could ditch Jill’s ass. Peanut & Jelly I ain’t mind because they were cool once you got them to talk. I could tell they weren’t feelin Harriet tho lol and tbh neither was I but would your ass turn down a completely free spark up??? Didn’t think so. We get to the roof finally and I start checking my jacket to find I forgot my mini bong in my room. So Elizabeth is like “Oooh awesome we can smoke out of my pipe!” and I’m like lol you bougie ass bitch just call it a bowl. But my fake ass just said “Litty gorl, load that shit up!” thats exactly what I get. She starts loading her “pipe” up and I notice both my weed and hers lookin a lil ashy. AND THATS RED FLAG NUMBER THREE

It’s like 11 at night tho and we only had street lights so I didn’t wanna call Susan out and end up lookin a fool if it was nothing. So I just let her do her thing and pull out my lighter so we can make it do what it do ya feel? So we smokin and I’m having a pretty good time. I feel proud of myself and shit for scamming little Mary Ellen and getting a full spark up after my niggas rolled out on me. I’m like “haha bitch you did that and you high as fuck”. Me being the funny nigga I am in my head, I make myself laugh. Then I realize for someone who smokes pretty regularly and only had two hits, I was already shmizzed for some reason. I look over at Peanut & Jelly and both them niggas lookin like

“Already??? Huh, that’s weird”, young nigga Kam thought to himself. But once again it was free weed so I shut my Nancy Drew ass up and let it go. Debra passes the “pipe” to me and I hit it harder this time because I ain’t pay for it so ima get mines. Because I hit it so hard I kinda taste it and bitch, that shit tasted like Mary J. Bliges leather boots and plastic. So I’m like “yo Amanda, what’s good with your bowl the weed taste weird?” And it ain’t like weed has a particularly good taste but I know it damn sure don’t taste like that. Emily proceeds to say “I don’t think anything’s wrong with the weed, might be the other stuff tho” As soon as she said that shady shit Peanut and I’s heads snapped to look at her like “Bitch....what other stuff??”

Jelly at this point is checked the fuck out, like this nigga is walking through space or some shit. That might just be him tho cause that nigga always acts weird when he high smh. That ain’t the point tho. This raggedy Ann ass hoe starts giggling and laughing like someone said something fuckin funny. I’m sitting there confused and high as shit still got the fucking pink wig on, Peanut got her ass riled up and with good reason because we both know we just asked ole girl a question. So Peanut says one more gain “Did you put some shit in the fucking weed?”. By now I think Amber realizes the joke is nay and she’s close to getting stomped out. Here comes the climax of the story y’all. This bitch gon roll her eyes like we being extra and say “lol it’s fine, we just smoked out of my crack pipe and I haven’t cleaned it yet” When I tell you the entire world went silent, I heard SZA wheezing into her microphone miles away. My ass, Peanut ass, and even Jelly incapacitated ass was all like

“...wut?”

Jelly just started laughing like he just heard the funniest thing ever in his whole life. Peanut was staring at Tina like she was preparing her alibi for the police when they find that lil girl’s body. And me, you ask? I was just thinkin bout my girl Whitney. Like sis, is this how it started for you? I was looking at Rachel all hurt. Et tu Becky? All a nigga wanted was some weed and now my ass sitting on a roof high off crack. Suddenly time returns to normal and the only thing my faded ass can muster is a “Pardon me???” Helen continues to chuckle like she Tiffany Haddish up in this bitch and tells us that she smokes crack and weed out of that bowl sometimes, and that we had placed the collective weed in her coke bag. Jelly stupid ass still in the corner laughing to keep from crying because I knew that baby voiced nigga was scared. I’m so astounded at this point that I can’t even drag this wild ass bitch. Peanut however, is not me. Lort I never seen anyone but my momma yolk somebody up so fast! She smooth slid across that asphalt like

Grabbed Ellie, and said “BITCH HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?? ARE YOU SERIOUS??” and started shaking that bitch like she was tryna give her shaken baby syndrome. Jelly managed to get himself together enough to try and keep his girl from going to jail. What was I doing? Well I knew I had a choice, I could help Peanut throw Taylor off the roof, or I could help Jelly keep our good sis from catchin a charge. So I chose the smartest option. MY ASS STARTED TO HIT FOOT.

That shit wasn’t none of my business no more!! Bitch the link up is over! The deck is DONE. I could already hear my momma belt whoopin my crack head ass in my mind, no thank you ma’am! My black ass was done for the night. As I’m running back towards campus I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around to find Jelly running behind me, dragging Peanut along by the hand. Chloe however, is nowhere to be found. I ain’t stop running tho. Was it fear, was it anger, was it the adrenaline pushing me to run? Nah I was on crack so it was prolly that lol. We run until we’re two blocks away from campus and I’m finally too tired to run, which surprised me because I always assumed crackheads were just like the enegizer bunny. So we’re catching our breath and I’m tryna keep from falling over because I feel hella whoozy, but I manage to ask “What happened to Bobby?” Peanut proceeds to tell me she took one good fist, and dropped Katy like a bad habit. I was proud of sis too because she’s twig thin and I thought she was meek af. We start walking back to the dorms and all 3 of us are just silent. Ain’t nobody got shit to say bitch we on crack. Peanut and I lived 2 doors down from each other so they go in her room and I go in mine after we say our good nights. I go in my room and my roommate is there with his boyfriend. Immediately my roommate is like “lol you’re high af” and my overly trusting ass gon tell him “This girl laced the weed with crack”. This cracker ass bitch gon look at me and say “oh really.....are you ok?” like I just got into a small argument. Like nigga....I GOT LACED WITH CRACK DO I LOOK OK???

So I sit down and start watching videos on my laptop to try and distract myself from my anxiety because a nigga was SHOOKT to the core. My roommate and his boyfriend were just watching me like I was a good ass episode of something. I don’t blame ‘em tho, I looked wild af. I was twitching, teetering, and sweating like shit even though it was late September in upstate New York. Now this fake ass bitch gon take a snapchat video of my crackhead ass trippin and put it on his story for everyone to see. Needless to say after that day ain’t nobody fuck with Molly ever again. One good thing did come out of it tho, Peanut, Jelly, and I became real tight after that. And what became of Becky you ask? She made sure to steer clear of all 3 of us and my friends lol because they threatened to cut that hoe. Moral of the story children? Don’t trust white people.

[thechallenge-mtv]

Thoughts About The Cast

So, this is my 16th season of The Challenge, & I’ve seen many challengers come & go. And this season, we have some OG’s returning & we have some new people, even from different shows on different television stations. Below, I’m going to rate each challenger(based off the first episode, and previous knowledge of these challengers) 

I’m going to put them in order from least favorite to favorite. 

Eliminated

Nicole R: I hate that she was eliminated first. I really like her. She isn’t the strongest competitor, but you can tell she shows up to compete. She really is trying to prove something to herself, and everybody else. I’m hoping she returns for another season, because I really think she can make it to a final. 

Rogan: I didn’t form much of an opinion on him, honestly. I feel like he could have done better, though. Truthfully, I wanted all of the newbies to qualify, just so we can learn more about them. I know enough about the Big Brother people because I watch that show, but all these UK kids are completely new to me. Maybe he’ll be back, but I don’t really know if people would want to see him again. Wasn’t here long enough to make an impression on viewers. 

Still in the game

26. Melissa: I know we’re only 1 episode in, but they really did not give her any screen time. She didn’t really stand out to me. 

25. Alicia: Girl go away. I hated her on her season of Are You The One, & I’m gonna hate her on The Challenge. One of the worst to come from AYTO, even worse than Brandon Tindel. And she’s hooking up with Cory. That says more than I could. 

24. Tony: Stop bringing him back, please. He’s annoying. I don’t think I will ever be a fan of his. I hope Brad wrecks him. 

23. Nelson: Boring & arrogant. Could live if he never came back. 

22. Kayleigh: I feel like she’s going to start some drama. I can see it. I kinda like her so far, but we’re only 1 episode in, so we’ll see how long that lasts. 

21. Eddie: I liked him on Are You The One, I’m actually kinda excited to see him on The Challenge. He just didn’t do much yet. Again, 1 episode in, so we have time for this to change. 

20. Britni: She was one of my favs on Are You The One, & I thought I wanted her on The Challenge, but after last season I realized I didn’t really care if she was on there or not. I just think there’s other AYTO cast members that could come on & be much more entertaining & compete a lot better. Also, stay away from Brad. 

19. Cory: Yawn. Idk what happened to him, but I just can’t stand him that much anymore. He was one of the only people from his Real World season that I actually liked. Now, I just get annoyed by him way too easily. Don’t care how far he makes it, honestly. 

18. Devin: Arrogant & cocky with not much to back it up. Good entertainment though. 

17. Sylvia: I am iffy about her. She came for my girl Kailah on Invasion of the Champs, so that was strike 1. Idk. She seems like a decent competitor. She can stay for awhile. Wouldn’t be mad or ecstatic of she became a challenge regular. 

16. Jemmye: I’m happy she’s been coming back. I feel like we needed her. Not the greatest competitor, but she’s very entertaining. She really said Bananas is overrated. 

15. Kyle: I want him to come back for more after this season. He is already very entertaining, and he doesn’t seem too bad at competitions. I can see him making it far, maybe not this season, but in the future if he came back. Also, go for Cara, not Marie. 

14. Nicole Z: Oh my. She’s a mess. I didn’t watch her season of Real World because I was annoyed with RW changing the format all the time(I just want the OG format, no twists with exes or enemies). But, I really enjoyed her on Invasion of the Champs. A good competitor. Can’t believe she hooks up with Cara. I’m a fan of hers, though. 

13. Leroy: Deserves to be in a final(and maybe win). He is such a good competitor & it’s very obvious he is there to compete. I would be very happy if he won finally. 

12. Bananas: Maybe since other OG’s like Brad, Derrick & Darrell are starting to come back, they can replace him. I don’t hate him, I’m just tired of him coming in every season & the same things happening every time. I kinda like him & Natalie together, but mostly for the benefit it will give Natalie. She’s already a great competitor, it’s just Bananas gives her basically guaranteed safety. 

11. Kam: Queen of her season of AYTO. I’m ready to see her kill it this season, and I hope she drags Alicia through the mud. That’s all. Welcome to the challenge, tho, queen. 

10. Marie: Honestly, keep bringing her back! Nobody else from her season of RW(aside from LaToya) is willing to as far as I’m concerned, and their season was one of my favorites. I think Marie is highly entertaining, and she also isn’t the worst competitor. I think she could make it far. She is one of the only people I want to come back every season. 

9. Shane: He’s so funny, and I am so happy he came back. I was worried that since he didn’t return last season, he was done again. But, he’s back! Hopefully he sticks around for a decent amount of time this season. He’s a good competitor, and I love his interviews lol. 

8. Veronica: Queen of shaking up the game. What she did to Leroy last season was so unexpected but also savage as hell. I appreciated it. Although I’m a huge fan of Leroy & just want him to win already, Veronica really shook things up with that move. I can’t wait to see what she does this time around. 

7. Victor: One of my fav Big Brother house guests. I really hope he makes it far, and I hope they invite him back in the future. I don’t know if I can see him getting to the final, but I definitely can see him making it at least halfway through the game. 

6. Brad: I have been waiting my whole life for him to come back to The Challenge. He didn’t get enough screen time for my liking. He’s one of the best OG’s & they barely hyped his return. I wish he would stay away from Britni. I like them both, I just don’t want them together. I really hope he makes it far. I’ve missed him on this show & I won’t be satisfied with his return if he doesn’t make it at least to the top 10. 

5. Natalie: I’m so happy she’s on The Challenge. I think she’s a pretty smart player & with the Big Brother background, she should be great at politics, so hopefully she can make it far. I hope she uses Bananas & then just cuts him off. I really want her to make it super far. 

4. Kailah: One of my favs. Happy to see her back. Wish her & Cara weren’t enemies because they’re my 2 favorite female competitors. But, I think if Cara were to ever retire, Kailah can take her spot. Hopefully that won’t be anytime soon, though. I hope Kailah makes it to the final, though. I really want to see her in a final. I don’t want her to win yet. She needs some more experience. 

3. Joss: He needs to come back for more seasons. He absolutely killed that first challenge. I can see him making it far if that first win didn’t put the biggest target on his back. But hopefully people are more concerned with getting their vendettas out first, rather than the usual “get the newbies!” tactic. 

2. Zach: I used to be iffy with him. His attitude towards Frank(and everybody that wasn’t Ashley) on their season of RW was disgusting. Also how he treated Sam was gross. And Jonna(queen). So, in that aspect I don’t really like him. But! He is a great competitor, so I will give him that. As much as I hate his past, he does seem different now, and I can’t help but be happy when I see him return to this show. 

1. Cara Maria: My fav since Fresh Meat 2. I seriously hope she doesn’t ever quit. And I think she was robbed last season, so hopefully this time she can pull out the win. Wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t win, though. I’m also super shocked her & Nicole hooked up. Either way, still a challenge queen. 

[ncislaficexchange]

Postmortem

AN:  Post-ep for Unleashed (8x24).  Deeks and Kensi visit Sam and Kamran.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kensi rang the doorbell, the diamonds of her engagement ring sparkling in the midafternoon sun.  Sam knew they were coming, but Kensi would have been only mildly surprised if he didn’t answer.  According to Callen, his partner hadn’t taken up any of his numerous offers to visit.

It had been nearly three weeks since she and Deeks last saw Sam and the kids.  They’d hugged goodbye on the day of Michelle’s funeral and promised to be available anytime, for anything.  They’d meant it, but assumed that their teammate wouldn’t reach out to them.  

Taking matters into her own hands, Kensi left Sam a voice mail earlier in the week reminding him that she had experienced the loss of a parent in her adolescence and reiterating her offer to talk with Aiden and Kamran.  Sam texted back that he thought Kam could use her support, and they agreed on today.

“What if he doesn’t open the door?” Deeks asked, his thoughts obviously running along the same path as hers.

“Pick the lock?  When the alarm sounds, he’ll come out.”  She was only half-joking.  Deeks thought they should have waited a little longer before reaching out to the Hannas, but Kensi was adamant that too much time not pass.  

When the door finally opened, Kensi and Deeks both did their best to hide their shock at Sam’s appearance.  Whether they’d been successful they would never know, as Sam barely looked at them.  

The former Navy SEAL, one of the most squared away men Kensi knew, looked like hell.  His face and head were still clean shaven, but that was probably the only thing that reminded her of “their” Sam.

He’d lost weight, so his shirt was roomier than they were used to seeing.  His eyes were bloodshot and the bags beneath them could carry all of Kamran’s clothes to Keating next month. The skin of his face appeared dull, as if he’d recently been ill.  Sam’s normally military bearing was replaced by slightly slumped shoulders and eyes that dragged the floor rather than meeting theirs.  He looked like he was about to fall asleep standing up.  

“Sam,” Kensi said on an exhale, wanting nothing more than to wrap her arms around the man.  She fought the impulse because she thought it would make her cry, and she and Deeks were here to support the Hannas, not the other way around.

Sam was mute as he opened the door fully and stepped back to allow them entrance.  When Kensi and Deeks remained silent as well, preferring to take their lead from Sam, he finally spoke. “Thanks for coming.  Kam’s in her room, Kensi.  You remember where that is?”

“Yes.” It was clear Sam was not in the mood to talk.  Kensi felt bad for Deeks, about to be left here with their teammate, but figured if anyone could occupy both sides of a conversation, it was her fiancé.  Giving Deeks a reassuring look, she said, “I’ll head on up then.”

Watching her go, Deeks thought about a course of action.  He didn’t know what he expected to find today, but it wasn’t this.  Sam seemed so preoccupied Deeks wondered if he would just leave the room and forget someone else was even in the house.  “Mind if I get some water?”  Deeks asked, nodding in the direction of the kitchen.

“No, go ahead.  I’m going to the garage,” Sam said before he left.

Walking toward the kitchen, Deeks scanned the rooms he passed along the way.  He was relieved that place was as clean and organized as ever.  Pulling a couple of bottles of water from the fridge, Deeks made his way to the garage, unsure of his welcome.

Sam was at a workbench, cleaning a gun.  There was a collection of firearms displayed in a cabinet on the wall.  Deeks put a water on the table and used the other to point to the small armory, “Need a hand?”

Sam stopped what he was doing and looked briefly at Deeks, and the detective was almost sure his teammate was on the verge of asking where Deeks had come from.  Sam didn’t speak, but pulled a gun from the case and placed it in front of him.  He then pulled open a drawer and Deeks helped himself to the supplies he would need to clean the weapon.

They worked, the room quiet but for the sounds of them brushing and rubbing metal, for several minutes before Deeks settled on what he hoped was a safe topic of conversation.  “Aiden doing okay?  I mean, as okay as he can be?”

Sam didn’t answer for long enough that Deeks was about to give up hope he would respond at all.  When he did, his voice was low.  “Aiden would have been here; I wanted him to have the chance to talk to Kensi too, but he has to find volunteer work ASAP.”

“What is that for, some sort of honor society?” Deeks observed.

Sam shook his head.  “He had a summer internship lined up at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Washington State, but with Michelle’s death the commandant at Keating arranged for Aiden to intern part-time at LA AFB instead so he could be at home.  He needs to make up the rest of the time with community service hours.”  Deeks was glad to notice Sam’s voice becoming more powerful with use.

“How about at a soup kitchen?”

When Sam looked at him this time, his eyes were clearer and focused on him.  Deeks was relieved to see it.  “That could work.”

“Kensi and I volunteer at one downtown a couple of times a year, and usually at Christmas.  Earnestine Lewis runs it; she’s a great lady and I’m sure Aiden would be a big help.  She’ll have him doing everything from mashing potatoes to scrubbing pots to picking up donations.  When he’s impressed her with that, Earnestine will let him show off his manners on the food line.  They’ll love Aiden, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he loves it too and we end up seeing him there sometime during Christmas this year.  You want me to reach out to her?”  

At Sam’s nod, Deeks pulled out his phone and hit a few buttons.  “Hey Ernie, it’s Marty Deeks, how are you, sweetheart?”  He smiled as he listened to the woman on the other end.  “No, not right now, but I have someone better who can easily do what Kensi and I can get done.  His name is Aiden Hanna, and he attends military school during the year, but for the summer he’s looking to do some community service while he’s not interning at Los Angeles Air Force Base…Yeah, he’s a great kid, very responsible, smart, respectful, and able and willing to do anything you need…Does he have a driver’s license?”

Deeks looked at Sam, who nodded in the affirmative. “He sure does.  He’s actually out right now looking for a place to volunteer, so I’ll text him and see if he can meet you this afternoon.”  Deeks raised his eyebrows at Sam, who took his own phone out and began typing.  “So how’s Colton doing?”  Deeks walked away from the workbench as he listened to Earnestine catch him up on her husband’s welfare.  “Kensi’s great, thanks for asking.  All healed from her accident and back to work full time, so she’s happy as a clam at high tide.”  Deeks sneaked a peek at Sam before answering the woman’s next question carefully, “Uh, yeah.  Yeah, there might definitely be something there next time we see you.”

Sam said, “Aiden can be downtown in an hour.”

“Hey, great news, Aiden can be there in about an hour, ready to interview…Let me just send him the address and hopefully the two of you can work something out…You got it, Earnestine, same to Colton…I will, you too.  Bye.”  Deeks took Sam’s phone and typed in the soup kitchen’s location before handing it back to him.

“Thanks for that, man.  I really appreciate it.  Aiden does too,” Sam showed Deeks his phone, complete with his son’s message of thanks to the detective.

“No problem.  At least it’s something I can actually do.”  Deeks glanced quickly at his teammate and continued, “I wish there was some way we could help you though this, Sam.”

“Really nothing you can do,” Sam assured him.  

“That’s what Kensi said, some things you just can’t make better for someone else.  I’ll take her word for it since she’s had a loss like the kids.  But if there’s anything, even the smallest thing that you guys need, you’ll let one of us know?”

“Sure,” Sam said.

Deeks didn’t think he would, but he sounded more sincere than he had weeks ago at the luncheon.  “Is it okay if Kens or I reach out to you periodically, just in case you think of something but don’t want to ask?  I mean, hell, Kensi can come by and mess up the place a little – okay, who am I kidding, a lot – give you more cleaning to do, for when you’re done with the guns.”

Sam almost chuckled, “Doesn’t mean I’ll pick up the phone or answer the text, but yeah.  And if I forget later, will you make sure to thank Kensi for talking to Kam?  This has been so hard on her.  I really hope Kensi can give her a little perspective.”

Deeks agreed and the pair was quiet again as they returned to the care of the guns.  Deeks broke the silence a while later with a whispered question, “If you knew then how things would end, would you change the life you lived with Michelle?  Your careers, kids, any of it?”

His response was an immediate, “No.”  After a few seconds, Sam continued, “Knowing what I know now, I would have killed Tahir Khaled last year at Keating, or any time before that when I had the opportunity.”  His voice gained strength as he said, “I’m grateful for every second with Michelle and our children.”  Sam paused and looked at Deeks suspiciously, “Why?  Are you having second thoughts about proposing to Kensi?”

Deeks grinned, “That ship’s already sailed, brother.  She popped the question and I said yes.”

The smile on Sam’s face, while small, was the best gift Deeks could have received just then, and he welcomed the handshake and brief hug his friend offered.  “She got tired of waiting for your grand scheme to come together, huh?”

“Something like that,” Deeks hedged.

“Well I’m glad for you both, however it happened.  You guys deserve all the happiness you can grab, for as long as you’re fortunate to have it.  Don’t let what happened to Michelle scare you off marriage and kids.  Let it remind you to make the most of every day.”

~~~~~~~~~~

The door to Kamran’s room was closed, but Kensi could hear the beeps and chirps of what sounded like a video game.  When she knocked, the noises went silent and seconds later, Kamran said, “Come in.”

When Kensi did, she found Sam’s daughter sitting cross-legged on the floor, her back against the bed.  Her phone was face-down on the carpet beside her, and Kensi assumed that was what she’d been playing with.  

“Hey, Kam,” Kensi said.

“Hi Kensi.” Kamran’s voice was unsurprisingly sad.

“Can I sit?”  When she nodded, Kensi sat down next to her and mirrored her position.  Kensi said quietly, “I’m not going to ask you how you are, because it’s a stupid question.”  That got the girl’s attention. “But I will ask what kind of day you’re having.  An okay day, a bad one, even horrible?  It’s way too soon for a good day, so don’t even think about saying that.”

Kamran shrugged.  “A bad day, I guess.  Pretty much like all of them.”

“Yeah,” Kensi commiserated.  “Listen Kam, I just want to let you know that I get it.”  When the tween looked up questioningly, Kensi continued, “My dad died when I was fifteen.  He was murdered too.”

“I’m sorry,” Kamran said with sincerity for Kensi’s loss.  “But it’s not really the same thing.  This was my mom.”

“No, it’s not the same thing.  I don’t think any two people’s grief ever is.  But I was a real tom-boy when I was a kid, and I was much closer to my dad than my mom growing up.  He was my best friend.”

“What happened to the person who killed him?”

“It took me a very long time to find him.  But I did, and he’s dead now.”

“Did you kill him?”

“No, but I wanted to.”

“My dad said the same thing.  And that what’s important is that he can’t hurt us anymore.”

“But that’s not exactly true, is it?  He took your mom away from you, and that will hurt forever.”

“Does it ever get better?”

“It does, eventually.  For me, the first two years were the hardest, because everything reminded me of my dad, and sometimes just thinking about him was like a punch to the gut.   I can’t tell you how many times I thought, I have to remember to tell Dad that, only to have it hit me that he was gone.”

The tears started down Kamran’s cheeks, “I go to look for my mom or text her about ten times a day!  And I get so mad, because it’s like, how could I forget that she’s dead, you know?  But it’s not that I forget, it’s just not right in the front of my head for a second or two, and then when it comes back it hurts all over again.”

“I know, sweetie, and I’m so sorry,” Kensi pulled Kamran into her arms, and the girl came willingly.  She cried freely, while Kensi held her and rubbed her back.  

When Kamran’s tears started to ease, Kensi said, “One day it didn’t hurt as much to think about him.  I like talking about my dad now, sharing happy memories of him.  But to this day, almost twenty years later, sometimes I still miss him so much I want to cry.”

“Like when?” Kamran asked as she pulled out of Kensi’s embrace and wiped her eyes and nose on her sleeves.

“Mostly the big events in my life.  When I joined NCIS I desperately wanted to be able to tell him and see the look on his face, to know that he was proud of me.  My biggest regret right now is that he never got to meet Deeks.”  She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “Your dad may or may not know this by now, but Deeks and I got engaged a little while ago.  That night in the shower, I blubbered like a baby because I couldn’t tell my father.  When we get married, I know it’ll be impossible to think of him and not cry.  When we have a baby of our own, I’ll be sad that he’s not there to meet his grandchild.”  Kensi’s eyes were watering now too.  “It gets easier, but I’m not sure it ever goes away.  And honestly, I wouldn’t want it to.”

Kamran nodded.  They sat quietly for a minute or two, each lost in her own thoughts.  Kensi finally asked, “What things do you admire most about your mother, Kam?”

The girl’s face lit up in a smile even as the tears began again, “She was the best mom, and she always helped me with my homework until she knew I could do it by myself.  She was beautiful.  And so smart and brave, and she gave the best hugs and cuddles.”

“Those are the things you’re going to remember forever, and they’ll always make you happy to think about.  I don’t know what kind of hugs and cuddle she gave, but I can believe that she was an incredible mother for those reasons and a million others.  And I agree, she was beautiful, smart, and brave.”  Kensi paused.  Looking at the sad young lady, she decided Kamran probably needed to hear this right now, more than much else Kensi could tell her.  “You take after her, you know.  You’re beautiful, smart, and brave too.”

Kamran looked down, embarrassed by the compliment, or perhaps surprised by the comparison to her mother.  “Mom always told me how smart I am, but I don’t know about beautiful, and I’m not brave at all!”

“Well I’m not going to try to convince you that you’re beautiful, since it won’t work anyway.  But I will tell you to think about your mother, father, and brother, objectively if you can.  They are some fine-looking people, and if you ever tell your dad I said that, he’ll never let me live it down,” Kensi chuckled.  “And then think about how unlikely it is that you’re not just as beautiful too.”

The shy smile on Kamran’s face was enough to convince Kensi she’d said the right thing, but would leave it at that.  “And as for brave, I know you are, and I know that because your mom told me.”

“Really?”  Kamran’s voice and face were full of wonder now.

“Remember that Christmas Deeks and I were here with our moms?  Your mom and I spent some time chatting, and she told me that you had just announced an interest in attending Keating.  She was so proud of you and awed by how much courage it took for a young girl to even think about leaving home to go to a military academy.”

“She said she was impressed with me,” Kamran whispered.

“She really was, honey.  I’m sure there are plenty of people who can tell you what your mom thought or felt about you, and anything else you want to know.”  Kensi tapped Kam’s hand with a finger. “That always made me feel good: hearing about my dad from other people who knew him.”  Kensi stopped again, debating if she should say what had just popped into her mind.  “Would you like me to tell you the story of how your mother saved my life?”

“She saved your life?  My dad says you can kick anyone’s ass –“  Kamran stopped abruptly, realizing she just cursed to an adult.

Kensi laughed lightly, “Don’t worry about it.  I won’t tell your dad about that lapse in language if you won’t tell him about mine.  Your mom kicked some serious ass herself.  And on that particular day, she saved her own life and mine…” Kensi shared a less dramatic version of how Michelle Hanna pulled herself up from dangling thirty floors above the ground and then took out the Barbie who was about to grab the gun she and Kensi were both scrambling for.  “Your mother was an amazing woman, Kam, and you should always remember and be proud of that.”

“I will,” Kamran said, still somewhat amazed by what she’d just heard.

“Good,” Kensi took the pre-teen’s hand in her own.  “I need to tell you one more thing and then I’ll leave you alone if you want.”

“Do you have to go?”

“Not if you don’t want me to, no.  We can keep talking about your mom, or about anything but your mom, or nothing at all, but I’ll give you the choice, okay?”

Kamran nodded and Kensi blew out a quick breath.  “You and I are members of a club no one wants to be in.  We know what it’s like to lose a parent at a young age.  But you were right before when you said that it was different because it was your mom.  Even though I was closer to my father than my mother, there’s still something about a mother-daughter relationship that’s special, isn’t there?”

“Yeah, Mom and I fangirled over some of the same cute actors.  Can’t do that with my father.  Or Aiden,” she wrinkled her nose at the thought.

“That would just be weird,” Kensi agreed.  “My parents divorced the year before I lost my father, and I chose to live with my dad.  But after he died I refused to live with my mother, even though she was all I had left.”

“Who did you stay with?”

“How about if we save that story for another time?” Kensi suggested.  “But let’s just say that when my father died, I basically lost both of my parents.  And even though I was a tomboy who idolized my father, by the time I was older and dating, or falling in love for the first time, and things like that, I really wished I had my mom around to talk to.”

“I was thinking about that the other day,” Kamran’s voice cracked as she held back tears.

“Your father, and I’m sure your brother, are willing to do anything and answer any question for you, and you may have to rely on them for some of the things that you would have done with your mom.  Like buying a dress for the winter formal or teaching you how to drive.”

Kamran rolled her eyes, “Dad had no patience teaching Aiden to drive.  I’ll probably ask Aiden or Uncle Callen.”

Kensi smiled, knowing Sam would never allow her to teach his daughter that particular skill.  “But there may be some things that they can’t do because you’re a twelve-year-old young woman and they’re guys who just don’t get it or really won’t know.  I know you have an aunt in San Francisco and your grandmothers, and I’m sure they’ve already offered this as well.  But I’m closer than they are when you’re at home, and if you need help with something that you’re not comfortable going to your dad with, and the women in your family are too far away, I want you to know that you can come to me, okay?”

Kamran was happily surprised.  “Thanks, Kensi.”

“I mean it, Kam.  Any time, day or night.  Deeks and I are used to being woken up at all sorts of crazy hours, so don’t ever worry about that.”

“Okay, I promise.”  This time it was Kamran who initiated the hug.  Kensi could feel the girl’s hold tighten just as Kamran blurted, “Wait a minute, did you say you and Deeks are engaged?”

At Kamran’s suggestion, they spent a while talking about the proposal – Kensi not mentioning exactly where and when she asked Deeks to marry her – and ideas for the wedding.  Hoping Sam wouldn’t mind, Kensi finished their conversation by asking Kamran to be her junior bridesmaid, a decision made on impulse, but one she guessed was right judging by the excitement on the pre-teen’s face.

“You can go if you need to,” Kamran offered soon after the wedding talk wound down.

“You’re sure?” Kensi asked.  There was plenty more she wanted to share with the girl.  Words of experience, if not wisdom, about it being okay to cry and not be embarrassed, or laugh and not feel guilty.  But they’d just spent an emotionally charged hour or so together, and Kensi didn’t want to overdo it.  She would just have to make sure to do this again a few more times over the summer if Kamran was open to it.

“Yeah.  I’ll text you if I need anything,” she said.

“Maybe we can make plans to grab ice cream some night next week, or lunch over the weekend if you want.  Do you like to bike or surf?  We can do that too if you’d rather.  We could talk about your mom and how things are going, or not.  Whichever you’re in the mood for.”

“I’d like that,” Kamran said.

Kensi smiled.  “Me too.  Is it okay if I check in with you a couple of times a week, ask what kind of day you’re having?”

“Okay, bad, or horrible?”

“Yeah.”

Kamran nodded in agreement then asked in a small, unsure voice, “When will they start to get good again, Kensi?”

Kensi let out a sad sigh, “I wish I knew, honey.  But that’s different for everybody.  What I can tell you is that you’ve got a lot of people who love you and want those good days for you.  They’ll help you get them back.  And I know your mom would want not only plenty of good days, but lots of great and incredible days for you too.”

“Dad says she’ll be watching over us, so maybe she’ll send some of those days our way.”

Kensi smiled, “I bet she will.”

~~~~~~~~~~

As they pulled away from the curb in front of the Hanna house, Kensi asked, “So how was it with Sam?”

“He wasn’t very talkative, and I didn’t push.  But we cleaned every gun in his arsenal.  And I hooked Aiden up with Earnestine, so now he’s got a place to do his required community service for the summer.”

“That’s a match made in heaven.”

“I thought so.  How’s Kam?”

“Hurting.  Missing her mom.  Pretty much what you’d expect.  But she seemed receptive to me, and I’ll be checking in on her periodically to see how she’s coming along.  I think I’ll try to take her out somewhere once a week if I can.  She was really excited about the wedding.  Oh, and she’s going to be our junior bridesmaid.”

“Great.  Except I didn’t know we were having one.”

“Well, we are now.”

Deeks took Kensi’s hand and kissed it.  “That’s awesome, then.  It sounds like you two really connected.  I wish I could say the same for me and Sam”

“Kids tend to be more open in general, I think.  And except with Callen, Sam’s never been a Chatty Cathy, so you had the tougher job of the two of us by far.  I was really worried about him when we first got there.”

“Me too.”

“Do we still have reason to be?”

Deeks let out a long sigh.  “I think so, yeah.  The only thing that got any real response from him was when I asked about the kids.  Honestly, I don’t know how he’s going to handle it once they’re both at Keating.”

“Coming back to work will be a good distraction after Aiden and Kam leave,” Kensi assured him.

“He’s plenty distracted now, Kens.  After today I’m wondering if he’ll even want to come back,” Deeks admitted.

Kensi shrugged, “Maybe he needs to find something else to do, then.  He left the SEALs to join NCIS.  He might decide he wants to be out of the field altogether, especially after Michelle.”  

Deeks looked at her, unconvinced.  “To do what, clean his weapon collection all day long?”

“He’s all Aiden and Kamran have left, Deeks.  Maybe Sam’s should focus on staying alive long enough to watch Aiden and Kamran get married and have kids of their own one day.  We’re planning to find another line of work when we have children, it’s really no different.”

“Except that we’ll be leaving to move onto another chapter in our lives.  I’m afraid that if Sam does it, he’d be closing the book entirely.  I don’t know if it’s because they’re more resilient or because they have each other and Sam to lean on, but the kids seem to be doing much better than their father right now, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon unless something’s done about it.”

“If that’s the case, I think you should tell Callen about today, let him know what’s going on.  If Sam will respond to anyone, it’ll be him.”

“I hope you’re right,” Deeks said.

“They’re partners.  And about as close as two people in our line of work can be without being married,” Kensi stated with confidence.

“Callen’s going to have his work cut out for him.  Maybe Nate can drop into the country for a visit.”

“That’s a good idea.  But it won’t just be Callen and Nate, babe.  You understand what Sam’s going through.  Maybe not to the same degree, but you’re the only other person on the team who’s experienced anything close to losing a wife.  Nate and Callen can’t say that.  I think in the end we’ll all have a role to play in Sam’s healing.”

Deeks nodded.  “You’re right.  We’re family.  This is what we do.”

by - @psyched1328

[positivepsychologyinterventions]

Beat Insomnia: A Spiritual Guide to Healthy Sleep

“Our spiritual mission is not to ignore the darkness, but to bring light to the darkness.” – Marianne Williamson

It’s 3:17 a.m. You’ve been staring at the clock since 1:42 a.m., mind racing, body tense. In five hours you’re going to have to drag yourself to work, terrified that you’re going to fall asleep at your desk—again.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re not alone. I know what it feels like to lie awake, reliving mistakes, making lists of things that might go wrong, waiting for sleep that never seems to come.

In fact, almost one-third of the adult population in the U.S. has trouble falling asleep from time to time. Ten percent of us have long-term insomnia, which means we struggle to fall asleep at least three nights a week for over three months.

Whether you have a wakeful night once in a while or find yourself lying awake all the time, here are some new ways to think about and deal with insomnia that could change the way you feel about those sleepless nights.

Preparing for Sleep

Using the following Feng Shei techniques can help turn your bedroom into a sanctuary that invites relaxation and encourages a good night’s sleep.

Clean Out the Clutter

Begin by getting rid of anything in your bedroom that isn’t useful, or doesn’t bring you joy. Clean out the clutter from under your bed, the back of your closet, and all your drawers. Dust out the corners of the room and make your bed. According to the National Sleep Foundation, people who make their beds are 20 percent more likely to get a good night’s sleep.

Remove or turn off as many electronics as possible. If you choose to have a phone or personal device in the room, keep it as far from the bed as possible. That blue light from your device can inhibit the production of melatonin, which helps you fall asleep.

Engage Your Senses

Once your bedroom is clean and clutter-free, turn it into a welcoming retreat by finding ways to appeal to your senses.

First, surround yourself with soft colors. Focus on pastels or earth tones, no black floors or walls. An occasional splash of vibrant color is fine, but the overall effect should be soothing and peaceful.

To bring balance to the room and help you feel safe as you sleep, make sure the head of your bed is against a wall, the bed is easily accessible from both sides, and the bedside tables are a match in size and proportion.

If you’re bothered by noise, try using a white noise machine, or play some soothing music to help you unwind.

To appeal to your sense of smell, use a diffuser with scented essential oils. Lavender and jasmine are great for helping you relax.

Every fabric that touches your skin should be soft and inviting. Your sheets should be the best quality you can afford. If you haven’t replaced your pillow in this century, it’s time for a new one. Your mattress should support your weight comfortably. If it’s more than ten years old or it sags in the middle, replace it.

Making your bedroom into a safe, comforting sanctuary is a wonderful way to help ease insomnia.

Getting to Sleep

Acupressure

Acupressure works by removing energy blockages in your body and restoring the flow of qi, (life energy) throughout your body. This renewed flow of the life force helps bring a sense of calm and balance to your body, mind, and spirit, paving the way to a good night’s sleep.

One of the most effective acupressure points for insomnia is called “The Spirit Gate.”

To find this point, place your right thumb on the horizontal crease of your left wrist, in line with your little finger. Press or massage the point gently for a minute or two, while you breathe deep into your belly. Repeat on the other hand.

Continue, alternating sides, until you feel both your body and spirit relax.

Qigong

This technique is my favorite stress-buster. I often use it after a long, hard day to ease the tension in my body and soothe my anxious spirit. It comes from The Qigong Workbook for Anxiety, by Master Kam Chuen Lam, and is called “Overwhelmed, Lying Down, in the Middle of the Night.”

Begin by lying on your back in bed, arms at your sides. While your heels remain on the bed, lift your toes so your feet are at right angles to your legs and you feel a stretch up the back of your legs.

Turn your palms toward your thighs. Clench your fists and curl them inward until you feel a stretch in your wrists. As you squeeze your fists as tightly as possible, lift your head and look at your toes. Breathe in and hold your breath to a count of four. Then breathe out with a whoosh, relaxing your body at the same time.

I suggest you repeat this pose up to six times or until you’re fully relaxed and ready to drift off to sleep.

The Sacred Hours

If you’re like me, you may have had no trouble getting to sleep, but find yourself wide awake in the middle of the night. And if you’re a worrier like me, you can lie awake for hours, worrying about the undone project at work, the annoying thing your sister said, or the strange noise your car’s been making.

Worst of all is the fear there’s something’s wrong you and that you’ll never sleep again. Believe me, I know all about the vicious cycle of worry leading to insomnia, and insomnia leading to more worry.

What broke that cycle for me was learning that waking up in the middle of the night is a perfectly normal function of the human body. Believe it or not, before the invention of the light bulb brought us artificial light, people traditionally slept in two distinct segments.

The first segment of sleep began in the early evening (starting between 7:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m). This first sleep was followed by a wakeful period of a few hours in the middle of the night (usually around midnight) and was followed by a second sleep through morning.

For thousands of years, people used this time to think, pray, read, or even go visiting. Today research suggests that the time between those sleep segments is a good time to meditate, create and imagine.

Once I understood that segmented sleep was normal, I stopped yelling at myself for being awake, and I stopped trying to force myself to sleep. Instead, I began using those wakeful hours as an opportunity to reimagine my environment, rethink my self-care, and reconnect with both my spirit and my creativity.

How about you? Does the idea of segmented sleep change the way you feel about your insomnia? Can you think of any way you could use that time to improve your life?

Here are some techniques I use that you might find helpful. Try them all, and see what works best for you.

Meditate

If you already have a meditation practice, this quiet time is perfect for making a connection with your inner spirit.

If you don’t know how to mediate, or find meditation difficult, just start noticing your breath as it moves in and out of your body. With each inhale, focus on the word “in.” With each exhale, focus on the word “out.” Notice how cool the air is as you breathe in, how warm the breath is as you breathe out. As you continue breathing, notice how, over time, your body relaxes and continues to sink deep into an ever-growing sense of peace.

If you have trouble meditating on your own, listen to a guided meditation CD or app.

Think Positive

Instead of spending time reliving all the missteps and mistakes you’ve made in the past, why not use this time to focus on all the things that have gone well?

If don’t know where to begin, here are some prompts I use to get started:

I’m glad I tried…

I’m proud that I…

I’m thankful for…

I’m happy I have….

I love being with…

I appreciate …

I had fun…

I savored….

All right, maybe you’re going through a tough time. Maybe you’re dealing with a recent loss or are facing a difficult challenge, and you’re struggling to find a single thing to be grateful for.

Don’t give up. I promise you, no matter how bad things seem right now, there’s something in your life to be grateful for. Look for small joys, moments of pleasure or unexpected beauty.

Are you grateful for the warmth of your bed? Or that you have a great support system? Maybe you’ve recently enjoyed a great meal, or heard a song that you liked. Be gentle with yourself. Just coming up with one or two things you appreciate can make a big difference in how you feel and how you sleep.

If things are going well in your life, why not make a game of seeing how many things you can come up with to be grateful for? Can you find ten things to celebrate? A hundred? More?

A positive shift in your thinking brings an inner sense of calm that can help you ease into a restful sleep.

Forgive

What if you used this peaceful time to let go of an old hurt, anger, hate, or shame? The burdens you’ve been carrying around for so long, weigh you down. Releasing them can make your life easier and your sleep more restful.

Think a minute. Is there someone you could forgive? Is there a situation you would like to put behind you? Do you need to forgive yourself?

If you’re ready to release this old pain, begin by focusing on the person or situation you would like to forgive or let go. When you bring it, or them, to mind, what do you feel in your body? Where do you feel it?

To let go of that pain, put your hand over the place in your body where that pain lives. Now, imagine that pain is slowly dissolving under the heat of your hand and draining out of your body into the ground below. As you breathe out, let go of those old hurts. As you breathe in, welcome a new sense of light and love.

Continue until you feel a deep sense of calm and you gently drift towards sleep.

Get Up

Finally, if you still can’t sleep, consider getting up and doing something restful or creative.

This is not a time to tackle a work project, answer emails, clean, or do anything that causes you stress. This is a time to explore who you are, and to get in touch with your heart and your soul.

Relax

Sip a cup of herbal tea. Read something that uplifts your heart. Do a puzzle. Knit. Gaze up at the stars. Follow the path of the moon across the sky. Just sit and soak in the peace and quiet. Try a yoga pose or two if that feels relaxing, or maybe take a warm shower to help ease any muscles that feel tense.

Create

This is also a great time to write, or draw in a journal. (It’s better to go old school here and use a paper and pen. The blue light from a personal device can keep you awake).

You could also use this time to sketch, write music, write a poem, or try your hand at that novel you’ve always wanted to write (but no working on anything that causes you stress. The idea here is to enjoy the act of creation, not to judge or critique your work).

Another idea is to write a letter of gratitude to someone who helped you when you needed it, or a letter of encouragement to someone who could use a kind word. Or you could write a letter of encouragement and support to yourself.

Reassess

After twenty minutes check back in with your body. How is it feeling? Are your shoulders relaxed? How about your belly? Your jaw?

If you’re feeling physically relaxed and emotionally calm, try going back to bed. If you’re still tense, wait another twenty minutes, then check in again. At that point, no matter how you feel, climb back into bed for twenty minutes knowing that it’s perfectly normal to still be awake, and that you will eventually fall into a deep restful sleep.

_______

No matter what’s keeping you awake at night, there’s always a way to bring some light into the darkness, to care for your heart and soul with kindness, and to love yourself through the night.

This post courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2UVzQ3a via IFTTT

[sarahburness]

A Spiritual Approach to Beating Insomnia and Getting a Good Night’s Sleep

  “Our spiritual mission is not to ignore the darkness, but to bring light to the darkness.” ~Marianne Williamson                              

It’s 3:17AM. You’ve been staring at the clock since 1:42AM, mind racing, body tense. In five hours you’re going to have to drag yourself to work, terrified that you’re going to fall asleep at your desk—again.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re not alone. I know what it feels like to lie awake, reliving mistakes, making lists of things that might go wrong, waiting for sleep that never seems to come.

In fact, almost one-third of the adult population in the US has trouble falling asleep from time to time. Ten percent of us have long term insomnia, which means we struggle to fall asleep at least three nights a week for over three months.

Whether you have a wakeful night once in a while, or find yourself lying awake all the time, here are some new ways to think about and deal with insomnia that could change the way you feel about those sleepless nights. 

Preparing for Sleep

Using the following Feng Shei techniques can help turn your bedroom into a sanctuary that invites relaxation and encourages a good night’s sleep.

Clean Out the Clutter

Begin by getting rid of anything in your bedroom that isn’t useful, or doesn’t bring you joy. Clean out the clutter from under your bed, the back of your closet, and all your drawers. Dust out the corners of the room and make your bed. According to the National Sleep Foundation, people who make their beds are 20 percent more likely to get a good night’s sleep.

Remove, or turn off as many electronics as possible. If you choose to have a phone or personal device in the room, keep it as far from the bed as possible. That blue light from your device can inhibit the production of melatonin, which helps you fall asleep.

Engage Your Senses

Once your bedroom is clean and clutter-free, turn it into a welcoming retreat by finding ways to appeal to your senses.

First, surround yourself with soft colors. Focus on pastels or earth tones, no black floors or walls. An occasional splash of vibrant color is fine, but the overall effect should be soothing and peaceful.

To bring balance to the room and help you feel safe as you sleep, make sure the head of your bed is against a wall, the bed is easily accessible from both sides, and the bedside tables are a match in size and proportion.

If you’re bothered by noise, try using a white noise machine, or play some soothing music to help you unwind.

To appeal to your sense of smell, use a diffuser with scented essential oils. Lavender and jasmine are great for helping you relax.

Every fabric that touches your skin should be soft and inviting. Your sheets should be the best quality you can afford. If you haven’t replaced your pillow in this century, it’s time for a new one. Your mattress should support your weight comfortably. If it’s more than ten years old or it sags in the middle, replace it.

Making your bedroom into a safe, comforting sanctuary is a wonderful way to help ease insomnia.

Getting to Sleep

Acupressure

Acupressure works by removing energy blockages in your body and restoring the flow of qi, (life energy) throughout your body. This renewed flow of the life force helps bring a sense of calm and balance to your body, mind, and spirit, paving the way to a good night’s sleep.

One of the most effective acupressure points for insomnia is called “The Spirit Gate.”

To find this point, place your right thumb on the horizontal crease of your left wrist, in line with your little finger. Press or massage the point gently for a minute or two, while you breathe deep into your belly. Repeat on the other hand.

Continue, alternating sides, until you feel both your body and spirit relax.

Qigong

This technique is my favorite stress-buster. I often use it after a long, hard day to ease the tension in my body and soothe my anxious spirit. It comes from The Qigong Workbook for Anxiety, by Master Kam Chuen Lam, and is called “Overwhelmed, Lying Down, in the Middle of the Night.”

Begin by lying on your back in bed, arms at your sides. While your heels remain on the bed, lift your toes so your feet are at right angles to your legs and you feel a stretch up the back of your legs.

Turn your palms toward your thighs. Clench your fists and curl them inward until you feel a stretch in your wrists. As you squeeze your fists as tightly as possible, lift your head and look at your toes. Breathe in and hold your breath to a count of four. Then breathe out with a whoosh, relaxing your body at the same time.

I suggest you repeat this pose up to six times or until you’re fully relaxed and ready to drift off to sleep.

The Sacred Hours

If you’re like me, you may have had no trouble getting to sleep, but find yourself wide awake in the middle of the night. And if you’re a worrier like me, you can lie awake for hours, worrying about the undone project at work, the annoying thing your sister said, or the strange noise your car’s been making.

Worst of all is the fear there’s something’s wrong you and that you’ll never sleep again. Believe me, I know all about the vicious cycle of worry leading to insomnia, and insomnia leading to more worry.

What broke that cycle for me was learning that waking up in the middle of the night is a perfectly normal function of the human body. Believe it or not, before the invention of the light bulb brought us artificial light, people traditionally slept in two distinct segments.

The first segment of sleep began in the early evening (starting between 7:00pm and 8:00pm). This first sleep was followed by a wakeful period of a few hours in the middle of the night (usually around midnight) and was followed by a second sleep through morning.

For thousands of years, people used this time to think, pray, read, or even go visiting. Today research suggests that the time between those sleep segments is a good time to meditate, create and imagine.

Once I understood that segmented sleep was normal, I stopped yelling at myself for being awake, and I stopped trying to force myself to sleep. Instead, I began using those wakeful hours as an opportunity to reimagine my environment, rethink my self-care, and reconnect with both my spirit and my creativity.

How about you? Does the idea of segmented sleep change the way you feel about your insomnia? Can you think of any way you could use that time to improve your life?

Here are some techniques I use that you might find helpful. Try them all, and see what works best for you.

Meditate

If you already have a meditation practice, this quiet time is perfect for making a connection with your inner spirit.

If you don’t know how to mediate, or find meditation difficult, just start noticing your breath as it moves in and out of your body. With each inhale, focus on the word “in.” With each exhale, focus on the word “out.” Notice how cool the air is as you breathe in, how warm the breath is as you breathe out. As you continue breathing, notice how, over time, your body relaxes and continues to sink deep into an ever-growing sense of peace.

If you have trouble meditating on your own, listen to a guided meditation CD or app.

Think Positive

Instead of spending time reliving all the missteps and mistakes you’ve made in the past, why not use this time to focus on all the things that have gone well?

If don’t know where to begin, here are some prompts I use to get started:

I’m glad I tried…

I’m proud that I…

I’m thankful for…

I’m happy I have….

I love being with…

I appreciate …

I had fun…

I savored….

All right, maybe you’re going through a tough time. Maybe you’re dealing with a recent loss or are facing a difficult challenge, and you’re struggling to find a single thing to be grateful for.

Don’t give up. I promise you, no matter how bad things seem right now, there’s something in your life to be grateful for. Look for small joys, moments of pleasure or unexpected beauty.

Are you grateful for the warmth of your bed? Or that you have a great support system? Maybe you’ve recently enjoyed a great meal, or heard a song that you liked. Be gentle with yourself. Just coming up with one or two things you appreciate can make a big difference in how you feel and how you sleep.

If things are going well in your life, why not make a game of seeing how many things you can come up with to be grateful for? Can you find ten things to celebrate? A hundred? More?

A positive shift in your thinking brings an inner sense of calm that can help you ease into a restful sleep.

Forgive

What if you used this peaceful time to let go of an old hurt, anger, hate, or shame? The burdens you’ve been carrying around for so long, weigh you down. Releasing them can make your life easier and your sleep more restful.

Think a minute. Is there someone you could forgive? Is there a situation you would like to put behind you? Do you need to forgive yourself?

If you’re ready to release this old pain, begin by focusing on the person or situation you would like to forgive or let go. When you bring it, or them, to mind, what do you feel in your body? Where do you feel it?

To let go of that pain, put your hand over the place in your body where that pain lives. Now, imagine that pain is slowly dissolving under the heat of your hand and draining out of your body into the ground below.  As you breathe out, let go of those old hurts. As you breathe in, welcome a new sense of light and love.

Continue until you feel a deep sense of calm and you gently drift towards sleep.

Get Up

Finally, if you still can’t sleep, consider getting up and doing something restful or creative.

This is not a time to tackle a work project, answer emails, clean, or do anything that causes you stress. This is a time to explore who you are, and to get in touch with your heart and your soul.

Relax

Sip a cup of herbal tea. Read something that uplifts your heart. Do a puzzle. Knit. Gaze up at the stars. Follow the path of the moon across the sky. Just sit and soak in the peace and quiet. Try a yoga pose or two if that feels relaxing, or maybe take a warm shower to help ease any muscles that feel tense.

Create

This is also a great time to write, or draw in a journal. (It’s better to go old school here and use a paper and pen. The blue light from a personal device can keep you awake).

You could also use this time to sketch, write music, write a poem, or try your hand at that novel you’ve always wanted to write (but no working on anything that causes you stress. The idea here is to enjoy the act of creation, not to judge or critique your work).

Another idea is to write a letter of gratitude to someone who helped you when you needed it, or a letter of encouragement to someone who could use a kind word. Or you could write a letter of encouragement and support to yourself.

Reassess

After twenty minutes check back in with your body. How is it feeling? Are your shoulders relaxed? How about your belly? Your jaw?

If you’re feeling physically relaxed and emotionally calm, try going back to bed. If you’re still tense, wait another twenty minutes, then check in again. At that point, no matter how you feel, climb back into bed for twenty minutes knowing that it’s perfectly normal to still be awake, and that you will eventually fall into a deep restful sleep.

—

No matter what’s keeping you awake at night, there’s always a way to bring some light into the darkness, to care for your heart and soul with kindness, and to love yourself through the night.

About Wendy Leeds

Wendy Leeds is a psychotherapist and a cancer survivor. She knows what it’s like to face anxiety and trauma, and she’s working on a book to share her experience and expertise. Wendy’s CD, Creating A Calm Day, is available on Amazon here. Wendy offers the gift of her B.E.A.R. technique for handling panic on her website, wendyleeds.com. Join Wendy on Facebook at @WendyLeedsKeepingCalm.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-spiritual-approach-to-beating-insomnia-and-getting-a-good-nights-sleep/

[artificialqueens]

The Upper Hand - Chapter Four & Five (Craquaria) - NomDePlume

AN: I’m posting two chapters to catch up with where I am on AO3 (feel free to come say hi!). Hope you enjoy!

Chapter Four

Max shut the door to Gio’s room quietly as he left, exhaling deeply and leaning back against the wall to support himself as soon as the door clicked shut. The events of the last twelve hours seemed surreal and he needed a moment. Or maybe more than just a moment to process this mess. Collecting himself he headed down the corridor, letting himself into the room that he and Katelyn were sharing, trying to be quiet so as not to disturb her. Max stopped abruptly when he saw his best friend nestled in one of the armchairs facing the door of the hotel room awaiting his return. She smiled and laughed at his obvious embarrassment at being caught sneaking back into the room.

“Well well, the wanderer returns I see… Good night?” she asked him smirking, getting up to put on the kettle and make them both some coffee. Max shrugged, caught off guard and mumbling that he would rather not talk about it right now before dashing into the bathroom and locking the door. Turning on the shower, he stripped and stepped into the scalding water, relishing in the way his skin was turning a vivid pink under the heat of the water. The pain felt real and comforting in contrast to the chaos of his mind as he tried to take stock of the situation.

Uncomplicated. They were going to let things be… uncomplicated. Max wasn’t even sure if he knew how to do uncomplicated. The irony of his racing mind in conjunction with the simple phrase was not lost on him. He didn’t want to think about how he had just had the best sleep he had in months. Didn’t want to wonder it it was the amazing sex or the fact that Gio had him in his arms the entire night that caused it; and he distinctly didn’t want to think about the fact that as much as he wanted it to, he didn’t think he had it in him to let it happen again.

Once the high of Gio’s orgasm had worn off they had spoken briefly. It had been unemotional, with neither giving away too much. Max had found himself pulling away from Gio after the adrenaline rush had worn off, remembering that he wasn’t drunk anymore and couldn’t blame the alcohol for his behaviour. Max recalled how contradictory Gio had been throughout the course of the conversation. His words were non-committal but his hands never stopped touching Max in some way, be it brushing a strand of hair behind his ear or rubbing his thumb across his thigh. When Max had sat up in bed, resting against the headboard Gio had instantly mimicked his action, shuffling himself even closer than he had been previously and resting his head on Max’s shoulder. This was just another thing that he could puzzle over and over-analyse for the next… 50 years or so.

Vigorously rubbing shampoo through his hair he took a step out of the steaming water and looked down at his body. Marks he had not noticed the previous night, or in the scramble to re-dress this morning, became apparent to him. A soft purple flourish adorned his wrist where Gio had taken hold of him, with more bruises peppering his neck and shoulders. Glancing up in the mirror he saw that, even now, his lips were raw and pink from kissing. Stepping back into the stream of water he rinsed the shampoo from his hair, pressing his eyes shut tightly and letting the noise of the water engulfing him drown out his thoughts. A knock on the door brought him back to himself and he shut off the water, shouting “coming”, and wrapping himself in a towel. He didn’t want to face Katelyn right now but that wasn’t an option. He entered the bedroom and began rummaging in his suitcase for some clean clothes. They had a rare day off today before travelling back to New York on a flight later that evening.

“So how’s Giovanni feeling this morning?” Katelyn asked boldly, setting the coffee she had made them down on the bedside table next to Max and moving back to curl up in the armchair again with her own cup. Max froze before hurriedly digging to the bottom of his case, looking for nothing other than an excuse to not have to look his friend in the eye at that moment in time.

“I don’t know, why do you ask?” he asked feigning indifference, trying to at least look unphased by her question, despite being anything but.

“Kam’s already been by this morning”, Katelyn responded before launching into a further explanation. “Wanted to know if you would go to the gym downstairs with him. He asked where you were and I told him you’d gone to the store. So you can thank me for covering for your ass by the way. He said you three came back together last night. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together..” she finished softly. Her tone, originally jovial, had changed when she sensed a shift in the room, noting how Max could barely look at her.

“It’s possible to put two and two together and come out with five” Max jested, plastering a smile on his face and laughing at his friend. Inside he felt his stomach tie in knots as he lied to Katelyn. He knew she just wanted to be there for him through whatever this was but he couldn’t discuss this right now. Gio had asked that he keep this to themselves for the time being and he wanted to respect that. It also made sense to him given the level of scrutiny that they were all under, and if he couldn’t get his head round it how could he expect anyone else to?

“I wasn’t ready to sleep when we got back and I didn’t want to disturb you so I went down to the hotel bar for a drink. There was a cute guy there, we got chatting and one thing led to another…I’m a mess” he shrugged, self deprecatingly. He looked up at his best friend, who knew him better than anyone else in the world, and could tell in an instant that she was not buying it. “Awesome, you can tell me all about it later. Shall we go out for breakfast?”. Katelyn changed the subject and Max exhaled quickly, turning and confirming that he was starving with a smile.

“Just give me a second to change and we can go”.

He returned his attention to his case, actually searching for something to wear before dragging on his clothes and grabbing his phone. He was just walking through the lobby of the hotel when a high pitched ping alerted him to a text. His heart skipped and his stomach twisted when he saw the name on his screen: Aquaria.

Aquaria: Last night was cute, see you in NYC next week?

He flushed, glancing up to make sure that Katelyn hadn’t noticed how his face had turned a faint shade of pink and his breathing had faltered. She was oblivious, too busy searching her phone for somewhere they could grab some food. Max smiled as he started typing. He hadn’t mentioned where he was going to be. Gio had taken the time to check when their schedules next lined up. Maybe there could be more to this than he initially thought. He hit send, smirking and quickening his pace to catch up with Katelyn who was now almost at the door.

Max: Stop stalking me…

Max: I’ll see you there ;)

Chapter Five 

The following week was one of the longest Max had had to endure. If he wasn’t obsessively stalking Gio’s Instagram, thoughts of their last encounter were definitely not far away. Max felt like a teenager with a crush anxiously counting down the days until he would see the object of his affections. If it wasn’t for the constant gigs and endless traveling Max knew for sure he would have been in serious trouble. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this intensely about anyone.

His last relationship had ended soon after he had gotten back to New York following filming. The end had been almost comically anti-climactic. He had known that the next year was going to be crucial for his career and that he had to throw himself into his work, knew that his priorities had to shift. And he was happy for them too. He didn’t even give it a second thought before cutting ties and moving on. Thinking back on it, Max knew he should have ended the relationship sooner than he had and had no good reason as to why he had kept it going for so long. He felt bad for the way that things had ended, he wasn’t heartless, the emotional part just didn’t come as easy to him as it seemed to everyone else.

It made him deeply uncomfortable to talk about emotions. His own. Other peoples. Any of it. It made his skin crawl and his brain shut down, checking out of the conversation. It took a long time for him to build up the connections and bonds that he had with his close friends, and even they were few and far between. Whilst these people knew more about him than anyone else he still wasn’t as open with them as he wanted to be. Max didn’t truly understand the reason that he couldn’t get passed this, but he had never been any different, even as a child. No matter how much he tried to work on himself and figure it all out he couldn’t quite put his finger on it or change it. He found comfort in his solitude for the most part, enjoying not having to rely on anyone else. That didn’t mean he didn’t feel lonely on occasion, and the time he had spent with Gio had only highlighted that he was definitely going through one of these periods now. He couldn’t figure out if the intensity of his feelings were for Gio specifically or if it was just the compananionship that he had been craving and so anyone would have done in the moment. Unfortunately for Max he had an inkling that it may have been the former.

Max was jolted back to reality by Katelyn asking him for some details of the upcoming tour that they were planning. Miz Cracker would be taking her one woman show on the road and this is what should have been the focus of his attention; now and at all points until it was over, not Giovanni, their messed up relationship and whether or not it would work. Pondering the question Max scanned the crammed wooden bookshelf behind them looking for the file with the information that she needed about the travel plans.

“One second, they’re in the binder on the shelf” Max said, stretching his tired muscles as he stood up to grab it, passing it across to Katelyn. Realising that he had thought of Gio and relationships in the same moment made Max feel nauseous. The fact that he couldn’t manage simple tasks like making coffee or going to the wig store without wondering where Max was, what he was doing and whether they could do these things together made him want to crawl under his duvet and not resurface for a month. Something to do with the thought of him and Gio being together set off a physical reaction in him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up and a shudder running down the length of his body.

“You alright? You seem distracted”.

Max winced. He felt overwhelmed, sitting down heavily on the sofa next to Katelyn, he leaned his head on his best friends shoulder looking for reassurance. “Why am I such a mess?” he asked out loud, wishing instantly that this thought had remained unspoken.

“What’s wrong? You’ve got everything covered for the tour. You’ve got your look book and your costumes sorted, the writings all done… You need to stop being so hard on yourself Max” she sighed looking down at him, reaching around him to provide a reassuring hug. Max felt the floodgates open and before his brain had time to catch up with his mouth he found himself blurting out, “I know it’s not that” he muttered, “I just don’t do well with emotions and the like, you know me. And I feel like I have way to many emotions at the minute and I can’t control it and I just don’t know what I’m doing or whether I’m just overthinking things as per usual and I feel like my brain will implode if I-”.

“Whoa, do you want to take a breath?” she laughed. “Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that this may have something to do with a tall dark haired young man who you’re adamant you didn’t share a room with last week?”. Max groaned, throwing himself into the cushions dramatically; an unintelligible mumbling muffled by the seat.

“That was definitely, ‘you’re right Katelyn’” she said pummeling him with a cushion. “So you’re crushing on Gio huh? What’s wrong with that?”. Max reluctantly sat up, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself tightly.

“So many things. He’s a child Katelyn, I feel like a dirty old man. I just can’t see it working. Can you imagine me out at all those ridiculous parties with him and his friends? I went to one when everything was still normal with us and we were friends and I felt so out of place. If he was ten years older it would be fine but we’re both just in different places in our lives. I mean… what do we even have in common?” Max exclaimed looking at Katelyn, desperate for confirmation that he was right about this. Max was shocked when his expected response wasn’t forthcoming. The only response his friend gave was a snort. “What?” Max said looking at her with his chin lifted defiantly.

“We both know that if he was five years, ten years, fifty years older we’d just be sat here having a conversation about the 900 other reasons it wouldn’t work out. I love you boy but you’re a mess”.

After a pause Max chuckled, throwing the cushion across the sofa and hitting her on the side of the head. “You know me too well, you may have to be the next thing to go. You know too much goddammit!”.

“All the more reason to keep me around!”, she smirked. “I know all of your secrets! I could expose you!!” Katelyn cackled a maniacal laugh, which caused Max’s sides to seize from laughing. He really appreciated her ability to lighten the mood and make him laugh when he was having one of his moments. “Seriously though, have you ever thought about just seeing where things go? I think he’s more mature than you’re giving him credit for. Worst thing that happens is that it doesn’t work out and you move on. Either way, you have to snap out of it because you are way too busy to be moping. Plus he’s cute, and there’s obviously something thats making you consider going there a second time…” she laughed suggestively.

“Ugh, If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go bury my emotions deep inside me like a reasonable and responsible adult would, that is clearly the best option here” he responded laughing, knowing that she was probably right. “But seriously though, do you honestly think that it’s a good idea?”.

“Oh, I never said it was a good idea, I just said if you don’t try you won’t know” she responded matter of factly. Max’s phone signaled an incoming text and Katelyn grabbed it from the cluttered table, which Max had found on the side of the street a couple of blocks away a year or so back, and glancing at the name before throwing it across to Max who caught it with ease. “Speak of the devil” his friend mused as Max looked down at the screen. Gio. “What’s he said?” Katelyn asked as he continued to stare, not quite sure how he felt about the fact that three simple letters were causing his heart to beat faster and his palms to sweat. Anxiously unlocking his phone he read the message on the screen.

Gio: So I’m back a little early if you still want to hang out?

“He wants to hang out” Max answered, rubbing his palm up and down his thigh in a show of nervous agitation.

“And…?”

“And I guess I’m going to say yes or you will never shut up about it and like you pointed out I do not have time for that headache” Max jested, still not entirely convincing himself that he would be able to go through with it.

“Perfect” his friend responded cockily, flashing a huge grin and settling back in her seat watching. “Text him back then, best not keep lover boy waiting” she winked, laughing at Max’s obvious discomfort. Max started and stopped texting numerous times, more than he would care to admit, struggling through several versions of the message before finally settling on a response and hitting send before he could change his mind again.

Max: What did you have in mind?

Gio: We could do drinks..? I know a cute new bar that just opened.

Gio: Or we could just skip the pleasantries and I could come over…

Max: 10pm?

Gio: Perfect, see you then baby ;)

“He’s going to come over later” Max said glancing up anxiously after the frenzied text conversation.

“Well then” Katelyn said glancing at her watch,“It’s a good thing I have plans this evening. I’ll take this as my cue to leave because you have to tidy this place up and I’m sorry but I’m not helping…” she said scanning the room pointedly drawing his attention to the sketches and wigs strewn across every available surface. Glancing over to the kitchen area he saw stacks of dishes and trash that needed to be taken out and groaned.

“You don’t need to leave, it’s not like that-” Max started. “I can almost guarantee that it is like that. And even if it isn’t, I’m not sticking around to find out!” Katelyn laughed as she gathered her things and hugged Max tightly before heading for the door. “And I actually did have plans tonight, I have a life outside of Miz Cracker on occasion you know”. Max smiled, shaking his head, telling his friend to have a good night, trying to recall where she was going tonight. She must have told him at some point but with everything that was going on he just couldn’t remember. It occurred to him that she always went out of her way to bend over backwards for him and Cracker and he didn’t feel like he had been that good of a friend lately, caught up in his own rubbish. He made a mental note to pay more attention and try and rectify that.

“Oh and you might want to shower before he arrives!” Max heard as the door slammed. Alarmed he cautiously lifted his arm and sniffed. “Goddammit”, he said glancing at the time. Three minutes after nine. He had less than an hour to make himself and the apartment presentable. He looked round at the assorted drag paraphernalia scattered around before turning his back on the disarray, leaving the mess behind and heading for the bathroom. Katelyn was definitely right about one thing… he did need a shower.