#i’m so sick lol my brain feels like fudge

[padfootastic]

Out of universe: Lily’s letter is in Sirius’s room so that Harry can read it with no thought behind why it was in a room Sirius hadn’t set foot in since he was 16, way before Lily would’ve written the letter

In universe: Sirius kept that letter in Azkaban and brought it with him when he escaped and somehow never lost it, his personal belongings were sent to his family after his arrest and they never got rid of them even though they never thought they’d see Sirius again, his family or an Order member went and gathered up all of Sirius’s stuff from wherever the belongings of dangerous criminals are kept (and if it’s the Order that did it, they got it after he escaped Azkaban, so I guess the Ministry or whoever keeps convicted criminal’s stuff over a decade after they’re arrested), Sirius himself went and got the letter even though he was a wanted felon, and presumably some other reasons as well.

oooh i entirely forgot that harry found it much later 💀 it’s v likely sirius could’ve gotten that letter (and his other belongings) from somewhere and kept it in GP himself. i still like the thought of him carrying it w himself always tho hehe just bc it’s utterly heartbreaking.

[anythingandeverything1d]

Congratulations

“(y/n)” the nurse called out from the door. You stood up and walked over with an anxious smile. She handed you a clip board of medical information that you needed to update and then said she would grab you once it was completed and turned into the desk. You sat back down in the waiting room and flipped through the pages. Ugh I wish my mom was here...am I allergic to anything? I mean I don't think so but maybe Im just unaware of it..I don't remember having surgery-well my tonsils were removed but does that count? You were filling out the page to the best of your ability when your phone buzzed. You looked down and saw his name flash across the screen before immediately ignoring the call. You rushed to finish the paperwork and handed it in as the nurse came back. “Ready?” she asked.

“Yeah.” you followed her down the hall where she took your height and weight before escorting you into the room. You hopped onto the chair and anxiously tapped your foot as she checked your temperature, blood pressure, and oxygen levels. After finishing up she sat on the stool and smiled. 

“So, what are we here for today?”

“Uh...” you looked at your feet and shifted in the chair. “I think I may be pregnant.”

She smiled and nodded, “when was your last period?” 

“My period tends to be irregular but the last one I had recored was around two months ago.”

“Okay, were you on any kind of birth controls, or using any type of contraceptives?”

“I was on a birth control, am on a birth control but I missed a few days while I was on vacation which is when I believe this all happened.”

“Okay. Have you had any symptoms other than your missed period?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay. Have you taken any pregnancy tests at home?”

You nodded, your brain flashing back to that day. 

*Tears were flooding down your cheeks as he grabbed his last hoodie from your closet. All you wanted was for life to stop. You wanted him to say its okay, to make a change in the relationship, to stay. You sat on the bed crying as he walked out the door for the last time, taking with him every once of happiness you had. You ran to the bathroom, physically sick from the situation. It wasnt until you were hunched over the toilet that you realized the box of tampons had gone unopened. Missing periods was normal for you, they had never been regular. There was a slight doubt in your mind though. You had never missed a period more than once, so the fact that you were going on two means something was wrong. You had been under a lot of stress though, the distance, the lying, the excuses, all of it. Wiping the snot running from your nose, you had gotten up, washed your face, and thrown on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. You had mustered the courage to drive all the way to the drug store, purchase three pregnancy tests, and drive home. You had gotten three, you wanted to be sure. You wanted to be positive before making any other decisions. You sat on the bathroom floor after peeing in a cup and dipped each end, turning them over so you couldn't see the lines. You set a timer on your phone and closed your eyes. The only thing that could've possibly made this situation better was having him here. Of course he was gone already but you could still dream right? When the alarm on your phone went off you anxiously flipped them all over. Picking the first up and squinting you saw the dreaded double lines. Picking the second one up: dreaded double lines. And the third: PREGNANT in bold. You dropped them all on the counter and threw your phone. Of course, of course this this happens. He leaves and I end up pregnant with his baby..just like the movies except he won't be coming back. The rest of the day had been a blur. You had kind of just ignored the fact that there were three positive pregnancy tests in the bathroom. When your friend Luke had come over, you had cried into his arms. Cried about him leaving, about the break up, and finally about being pregnant. “(y/n) if you have positive pregnancy tests you need to call him.”

“No. I can't do that. Im not doing that.”

“(y/n)...hes the father, he deserves to know.”

“I may not even be pregnant though..they come up wrong all the time.”

“Not this wrong though.. this seems pretty sure.”

“I mean I've been stressed lately maybe its just a hormone thing.”

“I think you should go to the doctor and check. And if you are then you need to ball up and tell him. Seriously he needs to know”

You had nodded and cried some more before Luke left. Then you had called your doctor and made an appointment.*

Now here you were answering questions about your sex life and body. The nurse handed you a cup and showed you where the bathroom was. She said the test would take only around ten minutes but that she would be coming back to the room to do a blood test as well. Great, what a fun day... You quickly peed in the cup, leaving it on the counter for the nurse and wandered back to the room you had been assigned. Your hands were sweating and you felt dizzy. Having your blood drawn was probably your least favorite thing. In fact, you fainted almost every time. You checked your phone and thought about texting him...instead you texted Luke and told him how terrible the doctor was and that you were going to die while having your blood drawn. His only response was “lol” and you rolled your eyes. Typical guy.. The nurse came back in with a smile and sat down. “Well it does look like you are in fact pregnant so congratulations! We want to do a pelvic exam and ultra sound today just to see where everything is at and then have you come back for a blood draw in the future.” 

“Thanks.” you smiled and relief flooded your face. At least you didnt have to have your blood drawn today. On the other hand, you were pregnant, which was a whole other nightmare in its own. Not that you hadn't wanted and dreamed of having kids. You just thought it would be under different circumstances and that you would be married. 

“Im going to leave this gown here if you just want to change real quick we can do an ultrasound and hopefully see where the little baby is at.” She left for a minute and you quickly changed, your warm body freezing against the chair. When she came back in, she had an ultrasound machine on wheels. She started with the pelvic exam, lightly pressing all around your pelvic region. Satisfied she got out a tube of gel. “This is going to be cold at first.” You had nodded and watched as the clear gel squirted out and the ultrasound machine rubbed against your skin. You watched the screen as she moved it around looking for the baby. After what felt like months, she found a small white dot looking blob and smiled. “There it is...looks like you are measuring around 2 months right now which makes sense to when you thought everything happened.” She looked at you and smiled. “I know it can be a lot to take in..I’m guessing this is your first?”

“Yeah...its just a lot I guess.”

“It is, but it gets easier. Want to hear the baby’s heartbeat?”

You smiled and nodded. She pressed a button and you heard soft thumps. Tears slipped out of the corner of your eye and you wiped them away. “Thats pretty cool.”

She smiled and nodded before handing you a towel. “You are all set to go, we will have the pictures at the desk where you can make your next appointment. It was nice meeting you (y/n) good luck on your pregnancy and congratulations again.” You smiled and thanked her before climbing back into your clothes. 2 months pregnant...theres a living being in there...my baby...mine and Harry’s baby...oh god, what am I going to tell Harry? At the desk you scheduled another appointment and the receptionist handed you a picture saying congratulations. You looked at the little pea shaped blob inside you and grinned. Thats mine...thats inside me. 

Luke surprised you by standing at your car door with an ice cream sundae. “Soo did you faint? did you die? did you live?”

You laughed, “Yeah I lived. I didnt have my blood drawn at all actually.”

“Oh? Why’s that?” You took the sundae from him and smiled taking a bite, the hot fudge melting in your mouth. 

“Because of this.” you waved the picture in your hand and he grabbed it his mouth dropping. 

“Is that what I think it is? Do you have an alien growing inside you?”

“Lukeee seriously”

He laughed and looked into your eyes. “Okay okay but wow, a baby. That’s amazing. How are you feeling about it?”

“I feel like it hasn't sunk in yet....but that I’m really happy. I mean Ive always wanted a baby...why not do it now? I don't need a man in my life. Im a strong and independent woman.”

“That you are, but don't worry you will have me too. Im going to be a great uncle, its the best job anyways. But uh- are you going to tell Harry?” 

You shrugged your shoulders and continued eating. “(y/n)...it is his baby right?”

You rolled your eyes and nodded. “It cant be anyone else's.”

“So then you're going to tell him.”

“Idontknow” you mumbled, your mouth full of ice cream.

“You have to..you know he would want to know.”

“Theres a lot I wanted to know and he didn't tell me so I’m not sure yet. I haven't decided anything.”

“Okay...” he gave in and hugged you. “I’m happy for you I really am.” 

You hugged him back and smiled. “Thanks. I’m glad you're here...I’m glad I have someone to go through this with. And I’m so so glad you brought ice cream.”

“It’s okay. What are friends for right?” You nodded and jumped in the car after saying goodbye. You didn’t quite know who to call yet so you decided to just enjoy some time with yourself. You did the only logical thing you could think of after finding out that there was a baby inside you: you went shopping. You picked a local baby store and walked in, looking at all the onesies, furniture, blankets, binkies, and bears. 

“Hi! Anything I can help you find today?”

“No, thank you I’m just looking.”

“Okay well we are having a two for one deal on onesies and bibs so make sure to check those out.”

“I will thank you.” you smiled at the girl working but she kept looking back at you. 

“Are you (y/n)...the girl dating Harry Styles?” she asked shyly.

“I was dating him, not anymore actually.” She nodded and gave you the look, you know the one of pity and sorrow? You went back to shopping looking at all of the little outfits, there were so many choices. You also had no idea if you were having a boy or a girl..something told you it was a boy but obviously you had no clue whatsoever. You decided on a cute grey onesie with little animals on it...gender neutral. You also grabbed a cute binkie that had a stuffed bear attached to it. 

“These are super cute.” the girl said while checking out. “There's a whole collection that goes with this if youre interested.”

“No, that's okay this is enough for now?”

She nodded and wrapped the stuff in a bag. “So how far along are you?”

“Not very far, only a few months.”

“Well congrats! I hope everything goes smoothly and I hope to see you back here soon for more stuff.”

You smiled and nodded. “I for sure will be back.” 

You drove home, your phone blowing up the entire way with twitter notifications, instagram tags, and more. Inside you scrolled through it, only to find pictures of you shopping for the baby clothes. Your name attached to headlines stating you were expecting but not far along. Great...this is not what I need...how do they even know.... you were scrolling through more twitter notifications. Harry’s name was now being brought into this. Another daddy in One Direction? Harry Styles Expecting? ugh...this literally cannot be happening.. and then everything got worse.. Harry’s name and photo popped up on your screen as he called. “Harry?” you answered anxiously.

---

Part 1 of my new series, hope you all enjoy! Goal is to have another part posted tonight or tomorrow! This is kind of just an intro to the story, I’m hoping to have them be a little longer but let me know what you all would rather: longer and less stories (may take more time to upload) or shorter and more stories (updated a little faster)

Let me know what you think so far and what you think will happen.

xoxo

[x-exo]

*slides into your asks with a rose in my mouth* why hello, tis me!

Apologies for the long wait but your favorite long asks anon is here and OOF so much has happened. Let us break it down one by one lol

Monsta x our beans, welp we can officially say we are army wives for them because shownu is now at the military and just welp this feels weird lol. I lowkey forgot he was meant to enlist so when the news came out I went through so many emotions. Its why the latest comeback feels a bit bittersweet to me. It is their BEST for sure and for this year, I agree so to not see him perform right before he left is a bit sad. I don't blame him of course (if anyone does i am fish slapping you) but just a shame. I'm happy we do get content with him still? Seems pre-planned so that is nice!

Onto legends exo, fantastic comeback. I cannot stop listening to the album, its just bops full of bops to me. They broke so many records and I'm over here sipping my tea because fudge yes. It isn't a full member comeback, 2 of the members featured in the comeback are off playing call of duty and they still did THAT. While having lay properly in the comeback!? (Or at least some form, better than tempo era!) Kyungsoo my beloved, the man that can swoon you off your feet, his proper solo album. Omg I am just in love? The album feels like a Playlist that you hear while taking a walk or on a raodtrip? I love it, I just love everything about this with how much thought was given. It makes me feel warm and I'm so proud of him (I think he even got a first win) but sadly xiumin got the it shall not be named virus D: I feel so bad and I can only hope he gets better! It makes me worried because I keep seeing more and more idols getting sick and I can't help but wonder why don't the kpop entertainment just put a pause with stuff? Of course that is VERY unrealistic, I am aware that is naive for me to think but its just so idk how to word it properly (my English brain is not working I am sorry) I cannot help the feeling of while I get people are being safe and yes we need to still live like normal beings, is it worth risking idols health just for some entertainment? Idk how to explain my thoughts properly but maybe I hope I made sense!!

Onto svt! That is perfectly fine to not vibe with a comeback! I will admit, I didn't fully vibe with this comeback and it shocked me because every comeback was a hit to me. Even fear, left and right or homerun where I know many fans were split on, I liked but RTL was a grower. For me, listening to it without watching the mv, helped it alot and it is a song I like. Is it their best? No I don't think so but it is alright to say "hey I didn't bop to this, not my cup of tea" (imo I blame the mv? The mv REALLY didn't do the song justice at all, I am sorry if I sound like a fake fan but this mv Just is bad in all aspects. Sure we have some pretty shots but like it just doesn't fit at all?) So if anything listening to the song or wishing the live performances does it better. Seeing the choreography amps the song up more, cannot go wrong with their dancing. As for the rest of the songs, I admit game boy is my top favorite? Idk if it is because I am a gaming nerd and found all the production of the song so creative but yeah. We can wait for the next comeback! Svt always have something up their sleeves, plus we do have their music projects to look forward too (I wonder when we will get one? Seeing as RTL promotions stopped) some positive news with the boys is they resigned like a year before their contract ends and I'm a bit emotional :') I'm excited to see the boys future projects. We did have caratland recently! Did you watch it if I may ask? We did get in the soop confirmation so I'm excited to watch that, the boys deserve that nice break (even if it was filmed for a show fjsbsns)

Ok I think that is it for kpop updates? XD I do hope life has been treating you kindly! Life has been a bit all over the place sadly so I hope it wasn't like that for you as well! Until next time my bean!

hii!!!! omg sorry for the late reply i've been pretty busy these days 🙈

indeed so much has happened! and much more since you sent this ask omg!!

our shownu is at war *looks into the distance* *wipes away tear* *sighs* by now I got used to enlistment news (see what happens when you stan 2nd and 3rd gen groups) but STILL [[IT HURT]] when they uploaded the monchannel videos of his goodbye day like ????? what kind of twisted mind diuhdfuihdifuhs but the boys were all so cute and soft but they seemed so sad they didn't want to let go of their super leader :(( I hope he's learning lots and making new friends (and also we've got our international super spy yoo kihyun giving us small updates on him every now and then so everything's fine!). Yeah I totally get you it felt empty without him this comeback and at first it didn't really clicked with me but when the enlistment news came out i understood he had to take care of his health and thoroughly check on his eye sight in order to be 100% ready for the military so it made sense he had to be absent :( everything was so close (the comeback and enlistment) that I'm sure there was no other way for doing it I'm pretty sure he couldn't maybe postpone the enlistment day any further

onto exo! my ksoo my soft boi my romantic boi 🥺 his album is so him SO HIM i can't explain it bur it's just HIM you know it's the type of album you'd play on loop on a summer afternoon when you've taken your papers and paints outside in the garden to paint a bit with the warm soft breeze moving the trees lightly 🤧 and he signs in English and SPANISH (he did it for me) my multilingual king he's a native. Also I've been watching Honeymoon Tavern with Jongin these days and OMG i could d word for him really (if you haven's watched it go do it when you have time) he's SO SOFT and SO CUTE and he works as a waiter and a wedding planner and helps with the room preparations and is also a tour guide and he's just so cute so happy al the time the way he interacts with everyone is so 🥺🤧😭 onto more serious stuff now: yeah i was so worried about minseok catching covid omg but i'm glad he went through it with our any major complication and the rest of the boys are safe too! I guess the industry doesn't stop bc that would mean a huge loss of thousands and thousands of dollars/won/etc so as long as the gov doesn't prohibit going out or gathering like at the beginning of the pandemic, they'll keep on going with the idols' schedules otherwise the industry would just shut down having no way of earning money to sustain all the companies and idols.

as for seventeen! yeah i like the songs too! the mv sure ruined rtl and listening to it without watching it has really helped it grow on me more but still it feels kind of meh to me idk i really like anyone i think it's my favourite from the album. AND NOW WE'VE GOT A COMEBACK IN OCTOBER!!!! yayyyyy i can't wait they seem to be preparing very diligently (i hope they release a sexy bop) it's a shame junhao aren't gonna be present for this comeback but i'm soooooo happy they have the opportunity to visit their families again omg they have spent 2 whole years without seeing them in the flesh they must be so happy to get back to them again!!! it's so funny seeing them be bored at the quarantine hotel and doing lives every day duhdfiudhfiuh i hope it passes quickly and they can see their loved ones finally! and I did watch Caratland!! omg the unit switch song was the best thing ever hhu doing lilili yabbay and not being able to stop laughing idfuhdifuhs perf team doing chocolate and owning it????? hello??? performance team more like main vocal team wow! and the vocal team being a complete mess during check in lmaooo i loved it! In The Soop has finally started!!! I love these kind of "normal life" concepts I love seeing the boys being themselves cooking and relaxing I've watched the first and second eps as of today and also few clips from the third and omg mingyu and jeonghan drowning in the pond dfuhidfhidfs lmao they're so dumb i love them 🤣 i'm glad they could go away for a few days and spend time together away from their hectic schedules!

I hope you're well now and if not hang in there it'll all pass soon enough! 🥰💕 bye bye!!

p.s.: I got your request for the svt this or that gifset and i promise i’ll do it one day i just don’t feel like giffing these days dhbduusi i’m out of energy 

[vaentae]

[Prompt]: Saeran tried to convince his brother and MC to buy him some ice creams, but Jumin came like a wrecking ball in their house and dragged Saeran out to buy all the ice creams he wants. Everyone wants Saeran! (I was inspired by your Facebook posts about Jumin and Sarean, though lol)

this is so cute, though. like oh my god MY SON DESERVES BETTER GIVE HIM ICE CREAMS COME ON and yeah i love saeran so much it hurts lol

He was fidgeting on his place, nervously roaming around the area. His eyes were rolling until he felt dizziness as the after effect. But he didn’t stop at all. His urges to eat his favorite snack was so strong.

He had wanted to eat one ever since they moved to a much bigger house, where he had his own room, far away from MC and Saeyoung’s shared room.

It was one of MC’s rare day offs, and she was left with Saeran in their spacious house (in which Saeran later discovered that Saeyoung had bought it with his own cash) and despite the silent atmosphere, it wasn’t awkward.

He had grown closer to his sister-in-law, in fact, he felt at ease whenever she’s there. Saeyoung tends to ruin his mood when they are alone in the house.

He’s like a pregnant woman, craving for something, and for Saeran, it’s ice cream. Mint ice creams with vanilla, strawberries, and chocolates flavor in the sides. He also wanted sprinkles and hot fudge all over it… thinking about it made Saeran to frowned deeply.

How can he voice his needs? He’s the type to wait for them to ask him out, hence he always get ice cream from Saeyoung because MC had forbid the man to eat chips all day—he decided to eat out and dragged Saeran with him.

Saeran noticed MC walking towards him. He stiffened, face paler than before. Had he been found out? No, he wasn’t too obvious. But is he now?

“Saeran,” MC called out when he averted his eyes away. “Are you okay? You look paler than before. Are you feeling sick?”

Saeran didn’t answer, or rather, he was afraid the words he’s about to say. Instead, Saeran shook his head and proceed to the gaming area—the living room that Saeyoung had declared it’s the gaming area—and decided to watch television instead.

MC didn’t pressured Saeran—maybe that’s what Saeran likes about MC as well—and went back to the kitchen.

The afternoon segment in the television are full of idols that are having their comebacks this month. Saeran listened to them, and more occasionally, he had grown to like the newest girl group that just debuted.

Saeyoung came back last time with their album in his hands. He said that he found out what Saeran had been listening to and wanted to surprise him by their signature album. Saeran was so delighted.

He was so focused on the television that he didn’t even hear the sound of the doorbell. There’s a lot of variety shows that included some promising rising idols, and Saeran would sometimes hummed their song.

A pat in the shoulder woke him up from his own world. He saw a pair of grey eyes. He knew him, and yet he stayed quiet as the man went to the couch, placing the plastic bags he was carrying.

“You seems to be enjoying those,” Jumin, one of his brother and MC’s close friends, said.

“I do,” he replied.

“Do you want me to book you a ticket to watch their live performance?”

“Don’t need to,”

“Why not?”

“I already did.”

Saeran’s averted his eyes back to the television. He noticed a new group had entered in the scene. They were singing their newest song, and Saeran started wiggling in his seat. The upbeat sounds that Saeran really like to listen whenever he is about to sleep, or even playing in his desktop.

“Their manager recently visited our company,” he heard Jumin talking. “They’re pretty decent as an idols. Unlike Zen.”

Jumin’s hate, or love-hate, towards his fellow member in their group, was unbearable. MC had remarked, or made Saeran noted, that to never pay attention to their love-hate relationship.

“They were too gay to function, so don’t pay attention,” MC said to him before.

“They’re really good.” Saeran said.

Commercial started playing, and there’s this new commercial that shows a shop that they are starting a new flavor—ice cream coffee version. Saeran’s eyes widened. He completely forgotten about his cravings for ice cream.

Now that he had seen the commercial, his cravings had grew stronger. He would occasionally fidget in his place, huffing an air, and thinking about how special that new flavor made Saeran whimpered.

MC came to the gaming area and started talking to Jumin. He narrowed his eyes towards them, and he heard Jumin.

“I heard that Saeran loves ice creams,”

“He does,” she said. “I was planning to take him out for an ice cream after I’m done cleaning the kitchen. Do you want to join us?”

Saeran’s jumped from his seat and went closer to MC, he stood next to MC while waiting for Jumin to accept her offer. He felt like his ice creams depend on Jumin’s answer.

“I was also planning to take Saeran out for an ice cream,” Jumin confessed. “There’s this new flavor that Assistant Kang would like for Saeran to taste.”

“New flavor?” MC asked.

“Yeah, it’s the ice cream coffee flavor. We just launched it in the morning, and I believe she turned in the commercial video.”

“I’ll go,” Saeran said, earning stares from Jumin and MC. “I want to try that.”

Not only a minute that Jumin had said that—it got Saeran all fired up. He was so eager to taste it, and even put it on his favorite lists of flavors.

They got in to Jumin’s car and drove to the coffee shop that Jumin said, “one of Assistant Kang’s pleasure place.” But regardless of his cold comments, he supported the coffee shop.

Yoosung work there as one of the part-time worker. He was in the shift as soon as Saeran entered, and upon seeing one of the youngest in their association, Saeran didn’t feel bothered by the amount of people inside.

It was packed, full, to their maximum capacity. Jaehee was in charge in the counter, Yoosung delivered the coffees in the tables, and some employees are helping them.

Saeran’s eyes followed the menu board in the screen. He was reading it quietly when Yoosung accidentally bumped into him. Painful, but Saeran apologized quickly.

Yoosung still feel intimidated whenever Saeran is near, but despite that, he still can communicate with Saeran, and he decided to take things slowly.

“I’m so sorry,” Yoosung said.

Saeran shook his head while rubbing the part where the tray accidentally hit him. If Saeran was wearing sleeveless, it’ll mark for sure. However, Saeran’s attention were on the ice cream menu section. All flavors made Saeran drool, even shook in anticipation. But he has to wait. Waiting was the number one rule when it comes to ordering food. Or maybe manners?

“Assistant Kang,” Jumin called out to Jaehee as soon as they were next to the line. “We’ll have the new ice cream flavor.”

“Three?”

“Yes,” Jumin turned his head, noticing Saeran’s eyes gawking at the menu board above. “And maybe all of the ice cream flavors.”

“Jumin?!” MC gasped, shaking her head. “Saeran can’t finish those!”

“He can. He’s not a kid anymore.”

“Despite not being a kid, no human can finish every single flavor on the board, Mr. Han.”

“Try me.”

It was Saeran who spoke after Jaehee that got MC and Yoosung to gasped dramatically. But Jumin urged Jaehee and he paid for their orders.

Three employees were in charge of Saeran’s orders, hence the amount of ice creams that Jumin had ordered for him. He gobbled, not wasting a single scoop of ice cream at all. He was delighted, brain froze for a minute, and go back to being happy once again.

“Told you he can finish it,” Jumin said, informally.

“Did Saeyoung asked you for this?” MC asked, giving Jumin a side glance.

Jumin nodded afterwards.

“I had a debt to him, and I do not like not paying to him.”

MC giggled, watching Saeran motioning Yoosung to join him—who tried to refuse but he was already sitting and grabbing the extra spoon in the process.

He was there, tiptoeing to watch the scene in the far away while looking through his telescope. Zen, who was with him, sighing in the progress and tried to convince the people—giving them weird looks—that they are normal. Completely normal.

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log September 29, 2019

Subtitle: might as well be the 30th since it’s almost midnight when I started lolz also this is my entire September stuff. So this is a really, really long post

What’s in it? Well, what I did this month and how to transmute emotions. OH, and how to manage crazy energies right now.

HI everyone, I am finally back, somewhat. I guess September was a bit more manageable(?) than August, but for me, because I was also moving my stuff out from one place and moving them to another after living in there for so long, it was a mix of emotions: exhausting; scary; lotsa grief; and enlightening, to say the least. But at least I have hauled most of my stuff so I guess I am good. I just need to settle in the new place and then plan what my next move would be. Of course, as always I have to accept the fact that the universe had other plans, and fun time based on what I want right now is gonna be harder to come by.

The universe wanted me to “rest”, and by that I mean focus more on transmuting personal and family karma. So right now I have to transmute so much subtle energy garbage that I actually felt sick, exhausted, depressed, just mainly horrible 2 days after this month started. I thought it was gonna be better than August? Gahhh. Nope. 

So I ended up balancing between meditating and binge-watching anime titles that only have one season. Around the 13th, the internet got cut-off so no internet, I was AFK, and also no cable so I got basically cut off for about 4 days from the net and it felt like months, no kidding. I suddenly had so many existential dilemmas left and right, I had to face my noisy thoughts for 4 days!!! I almost lost my mind then. Not that I had much to lose in the first place lol

These are among the existential crap I had to put up and ultimately caused my depression with while I started putting my things in boxes *I had nothing to do so might as well start packing lol*

Why do I have to transmute my entire lineage’s karma?

Why the fudge am I the karma bearer?

Why is my birth chart set on “extremely happy with suffering-hard core edition” mode (after seeing the birth charts of other people)

Nothing makes sense now and ever, why must I be like this?

Binge-singing songs about loneliness - and then crying with no tears

I hate being lonely but what the fudge can I do, I am not a people person (based on my human-design chart I’m an effing hermit)

Bouts of being catatonic for hours, mostly due to overwhelming feelings of anxiety due to packing and discarding stuff, and just getting too tired and lacking sleep and junk food

A whole bunch of thoughts centered on my victim mentality  (I tried to kick it out by doing Kundalini yoga, it actually worked.. I had a good cry after denying it for so long)

I really, really want out, I am basically a walking blockage that has a soul

But around the middle of last week, maybe sometime after the 20th and after trying to remove blockages through the various methods I had been using, I finally felt a bit of relief. I started removing more trapped emotions from my heart wall and my body in general. I was even holding onto one of my biological mother’s trapped emotions, which she had when she was still in school. So I basically released an inherited emotion, which caused a sty in my eye. I released it and the sty went away, like what the fudge was that.

Of course, because my body likes suffering so much, I had to get one thing wrong again while I was doing Kundalini Yoga. So.. I was releasing anger and hatred because I was gonna attend a birthday party where I was expecting that many of the people who have hurt me one way or another would be present. I honestly didn’t want to get attached to the hate anymore, and just wanted to have a great time at the place, for my friends’ sake. Somehow, I did not expect that I would be maxing out my body’s spinal flexibility limits. I thought I was already over that, but I guess I pushed myself too hard again, and during that time was enjoying the fact that I was a but limber than before, so I thought I was healed somewhat. Also, I just felt so great and had no trace of anger or hate after the almost hour-long meditation (which felt like a workout, really). I thought I was gonna make it to the party without harboring hate.

Again, nope.

The next day, my chronic back pain went back. It wasn’t exactly as strong so I thought it was just a muscle spasm and massaged it out. Then I started hauling more stuff out. I must have carried so much heavy stuff but I was still able to move so I didn’t think much of it. When I woke up the next day, the shooting pains and getting zero power in my legs came back, so I ended up staying in bed the whole day. It was really a drag, I didn’t get to clean or pack things up, but honestly what made me ok with it was that at least I could use it as an excuse not to go to the party. WHich is pretty lame, yes I know, but I am also at my weakest since I was scared as shit of the old perv that might appear around me again, or I might lash out at the other two people who pretty much dented me because I had to be so stupid to let them in my life (extreme regret but can’t do anything about that now other than cut them all out). I honestly just kept thinking of excuses not to see them or be forced to interact with them but that would be awkward when you’re in a confined space. Also nobody knows what I had to go though with this bunch of people, and though I confided some of it to a good Soul Sister, the rest of the bunch won’t know, and they probably still see these three people ni high regard. Especially the old perv. Urrgh.

So... Despite the fact that I was actually looking forward to the birthday party because I could finally get out of the house and drive a long while and see some of the people I care about, especially my “adopted son” and “great-grand-daughter”, I just gave up and told the party organizer that I can’t make it due to chronic illness flare-up. Which is legit. I still thanked them for inviting me because seriously, I haven’t been back to that workplace since may and I never really went back after what, 5 months? I just used the extra time to try getting some really good rest and getting as much of my stuff transported to the new place as I could bodily can so I won’t have to do more trips. I did succeed, but by then my back pain was quite irking and I couldn’t stand up without pain or sit up so I just layed down and started thinking all that existential shit again.

Seriously it was very, very depressing at that point, but then I got guided to go check some energy readings, and lo and behold it was actually a major energetic shift due to the equinox. A whole bunch of the collective were also feeling the same shit. Lethargy. Depression. Reappearing issues. Pains and what not,. MOre dramas.

I WASN’T EFFING ALONE!!!

I guess that lifted my mood, and because I needed some even more morale boost, I went back to studing Japanese. Which, of course means listening to raw uncaptioned ASMR videos on Youtube. Them smexy voices just make me go ahhhh, ah ahh ahh--. (insert Kamisama Hajimemashita 1st Ending here lolol that song got stuck in my head but it was definitely fun) But no, seriously, I had been away from keyboard for so long (like 2 more weeks) so I decided to celebrate by watching so much junk videos on the web. I actually felt great and thankful afterwards. ZERO REGRETS.

So after all the carpload that happened for me in this month of September, what the heck did I learn after all that existential stuff?

I had to transmute the karma because I am AWAKE.

I was the karma bearer so to heal my ancestral line because I actually can (through Reiki)

My birthchart was very oppressive and shitty because again, see first 2 points. Also I must heal the collective too, as a Starseed-Earthseed mix. Seriously, being a Starseed/Earthseed or Angel whatever isn’t a bragging right, it’s a freaking responsibility, like being a garbage disposal person. BAsically trash lolol not..

NOthing makes sense because again, see previous points. Especially the one before this.

I was basically wounded with loneliness and separation/isolation, and it was something I had to face and be ok with. I am stil not ok with it, but I am doing  my best to be at peace in being lonely and isolated. Not the alone part though, I love that.

I had so much stuff so I had to remove so many energies connected to those stuff, so I could discard what no longer serves. Like cord-cutting but with your hoard stash.

I just needed to sleep more, because whenever I do, I feel a bit better afterwards. PLus all my dreams get too vivid and wild.

My brain is still filled with so much subconscious garbage, so I guess I still have a long way to go in terms of flushing them all out. Now I use a lot of subliminal boosters apart from the usual subliminals.

When all else fails, just do the following Kriyas or Kundalini moves: Sat Kriya (to ease and calm down anxieties, and also to strengthen your abs lol no really), Removing Inner Anger (warning, this is the set that made my back pain come back, proceed with caution. Effective at the inner peace part. Also an effing heck of a workout. If I had a stronger back I’d do this everyday, I’ll grow abs lol), Emotional Balance Moveset (This is actually fun, and it helps me calm the fudge down. Very effective, easy to do, I highly recommend), Subagh Kriya (to invoke wealth, yeah I know right? But if all else gunks out, it can strengthen your arms and back so it’s still a good thing. I actually like this one, because you strengthen your body AND invoke the wealth of YOUR universe. Win-win!), Guru Gaitri Mantra (to be in your true power), Blockage Removal (this uses a lot of breath of fire, so if you want abs and getting high at the same time, this is the one for you lolol), Gutka Kriya (it’s really good to do when you’re really feeling low and crummy, plus you also HAVE to keep your vibes up or else lolol), Motivational Moveset (it can make you do what you think you can’t, so yeah, motivational lol), Meditation for Gratitude and receiving blessings (really easy to do, but making your brain work is another thing lol), Removing Cold Depression (I just do this whenever I feel depressed, it kinda clears my heart and head), Healing a Broken Heart (if you can bear the pain of keeping your arms up after 11 mins I doubt you could ever keep your heart broken lolol I did this for over a month way back and it was super effective. Just remember the pain of holding your arms lol), Remove Subconscious Garbage silent version (beacuse seriously it’s a problem), Last Resort Meditation (literally when you’re down on your luck and everything, it’s very grounding and keeps your wits with you), If you need to manage anxiety (seriously, this can also help,  and you can build abs lolol trust me the breathing patterns are insanely challenging), Improve Frontal Lobe and Hypothalamus (yeah, I know right? but seriously, just try it)   and the easiest so far, Kirtan Kriya (it’s just like you stretch your fingers to play guitar, it’s that easy). The others here are in YT, videos and stuff: Self-love and acceptance, Sat Narayan Mantra (I placed the really catchy version lol), Subconscious Garbage Removal aka Subconscious Blockage Remover (it can get quite catchy lolol), Relieve Anger Shorter version (if your back isn’t that strong. still effective though, I cry a lot whenever I do this), External Blockage Remover (even if it just brings you inner peace, I still think that’s quite effective), and of course, the very important Karma Cleansing (if you happen to be the bearer of your family and ancestral karma. This dude has a longer version on his site, I recommend buying it, that one’s wayyy longer and you’ll cry more. Also it helps lighten the load)

But that’s not all folks lolol if you’re just here for the “How to Transmute Emotions” PArt, don’t worry buddy, this bitch has got you covered. =D This is my own way of transmuting emotions because the internet doesn’t satisfy my need for more details. Seriously.

Just remember the following acronym: RAIREPEAT

R - Recognize -  recognize the recurring patterns that have been causing you problems. It will help greatly if you can trace back its origins, or the first time it happened, or the most painful session it occurred. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, peeps.

A - Accept - accept that this thing actually happened to you, and be at peace with its existence. 

I - Integrate - Integrate this event that happened to you  and has been the root of your recurring problems. Be at peace with the fact that this event has been and will probably always be a part of you, because it changed you and made you who you are, for better or worse. Just embrace it, cry into it, surrender (to the feeling of crying because this shit happened to you). BAsically this is the part where so much crying and release of other negative moions are needed.

RE - RElease - Release any attachments to this old event, any feelings, emotions, people, just cut them out or cord-cut any remaining energies. 

PEAT - rePEAT - yeah, these shitty things will come back every now and then, but the more you strongly intend to release these things, the lesser you will need to rinse and repeat,. if anything, the feelings associated will only get weaker and weaker each time you feel them  until they’re basically undetectable or doesn’t trigger anything anymore. By that time, you’re well in your way to more peace.

Well, I hope this mega-post helped you in any way, or will help you in the months and years to come, because seriously, the energies will only get even crazier from here. But hey, any chance to stay level-headed and grounded is better than being anxious all the time, so might as well just do stuff to ease and heal than remain in all that drama.

I wish you well on your path of awakening. and may you find the healing you seek.

In love and hugs from Source above,

三日月

Mikazuki