#i’ve also always liked the fact that with the eighth doctor there’s no need to shoehorn stories into gaps because he can keep going forward

[silverfoxstole]

I finally started listening to In the Bleak Midwinter earlier while I was wrapping some presents and I think I would have enjoyed 24 Doors more without the structure of announcing the setting for each scene. I appreciate what John Dorney was trying to do but it kept taking me out of the story and made it seem like things took forever to get going. It was a nice little idea but for me a bit underwhelming.

That said, it’s lovely to hear Charley again and Audacity is much less aggravating, but I am concerned that having her there at this particular juncture will undermine the relationship between the Doctor and Charley, especially given what’s around the corner for them. Would they have got so close with someone else in the TARDIS? I’m not sure.

I’ll listen to the other two stories tomorrow and Friday but in the meantime I do agree with Audacity re Roy Wood and Wizzard: anyone who wishes it was Christmas every day is mad.

[maddieinwonder]

The Seventh

Slight Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None at all

Word Count: 1.6k

Plot: Reader hears a lot of rumours about the BAU before she applies to join the team. (Part 2 here!)

Author's Note: I love the idea of the BAU being notorious in the FBI, because honestly, they totally would be! And I would be lying if I said I've never crushed hard irl on a mysterious genius boy...

Masterlist

------------

Before you decided to join the BAU, you had heard all kinds of gossip about its members. It was a hot topic among your colleagues, but you could hardly blame them for the shameless act, when you left one ear open for it yourself.

Professionally, if they weren't called the BAU, people called them the "serial killer guys", since they couldn't seem to escape them in their cases. But among your lunch group, they were called "The Seven".

It was an embarrassing name in your opinion, too easily implying that the BAU was elite, untouchable. But the more you learned about them, the more you thought there could some truth to it.

Number One was SSA Hotchner, the unit chief known for his stone cold attitude. You heard a rumour that he once threatened the BAU section chief without so much as batting an eye. Anybody else would have been fired on the spot, but it seemed that Hotchner was so unrivalled in his job that he was asked to stay anyway.

Hotchner's opposite was SSA Rossi, who seemed to be the more "human" of the two, but that didn't make him any less intimidating. He was famous both in and out of the FBI, having built the BAU from the ground up, and written multiple best-selling books about criminal analysis. Why he decided to return to the BAU was a mystery to everyone, but you had a feeling he actually missed it.

Then there was SSA Prentiss. Everyone's consensus was that she seemed nice, but ultimately professional. People theorised that her political upbringing made her into a politician herself, but you once saw her in the BAU office laughing so hard that tears started rolling down her cheeks, and that's when you decided she couldn't be as stiff as the rest made her out to be.

SSA Morgan was the one everybody liked, on a shallow level at least. All your fingers and toes weren't enough to count how many people you knew had a crush on him. You've seen grown women visibly swoon when he walked by, which was partially hilarious for you, but also partially embarrassing for womenkind. You could see the appeal, somewhat, but he wasn't your speed.

Your favourite was JJ. Jennifer Jareau was the BAU's communications liaison and the only one you'd dare call a friend. You'd worked with her on multiple cases in the past, and in fact, she was the one who recommended you for the new position. She's a complete sweetheart, but you also knew that she once headshot an unsub right in the BAU office to protect Penelope. That fact only increased your admiration for her.

She was also the one to introduce you to the BAU's infamous technical analyst. You had heard of Penelope Garcia prior to that, but she so rarely emerged from her office that you almost thought she was a myth. The real person was unlike an FBI agent at all, always donning some combination of bright colours, feathers, and/or sparkles. Most people who'd seen her labelled her as a weirdo, but there was something about her, a sense of positivity, that you loved.

Last but not least, the one that slipped under everyone's radar, Dr. Spencer Reid. People didn't talk much about Dr. Reid because, well, there was nothing really to talk about. He was the youngest person to ever join the FBI, had an IQ of 187, and you thought he was far too pretty to be doing a job this terrible, but that's where the conversations usually ended.

Everything that could be said, envied, or admired about the genius had simply been covered already, and he offered no new fodder for the gossip trolls to chew on; he rarely left the office, he didn't mingle with the other departments, and frankly, everyone thought he was socially awkward.

Yet, you found yourself continuously coming back to him in your thoughts. Maybe, subconsciously, you wanted to join the BAU so that you could figure him out.

The first time you met Dr. Reid, he was giving the profile of an unsub to the larger team. His words sped by so quickly, yet with so much insight and detail that you found yourself scrunching your face in concentration in order to get it all, and that impressed you.

You had always been a quick study but you instantly knew that Dr. Reid would be a challenge, both professionally and personally, and you hadn't even got to know him yet.

As you submitted the request to join the BAU, you admit that the excitement of that challenge was at the forefront of your mind. And when you were called into SSA Hotchner's office a few months later, the thought rang in your head even louder.

"Agent Hotchner, you called for me?" You asked at his door, suddenly feeling timid in the face of your potential boss.

"Sit down, agent," he said without looking up. As you took a seat, he opened a file that was undoubtedly yours and looked up. His eyebrows were furrowed, but if what you'd heard about him was true, this didn't necessarily mean anything bad. And you were right.

"I have your test results with me," he began. "Firstly, I'd like to congratulate you for scoring the highest in your class." You swore he almost cracked a smile.

"I've also heard a lot about you. Your boss had many good things to say about your work ethic, your field experience, and your commitment to justice," he continued.

Now it was your turn to smile.

"But I want to know the real reason why you want to join the BAU." Your smile faltered slightly, something that you're sure Hotchner would pick up on.

He leaned forward in his desk, purposefully applying pressure on the situation, and you let out a quiet breath in preparation.

"The reason I wanted to join the BAU may not be new to you, but I'm looking for a challenge. I want to make a change." You started. "I understand that those two may be contradictory principles, but I believe I can grow and do a lot of good with the BAU."

"And what if the job gets too much for you?" He asks, a flicker of emotion that I didn't recognise crossing his face.

"I'm prepared for that," you said determinedly. "I may not know what this job will take from me, but I'd like the opportunity to prove that I can grow from it, sir."

Agent Hotchner eyed you for a moment before standing up. "Very well, then." He reached out his hand. "Welcome to the BAU."

You looked at his hand for a second, the shock barely registering, before scrambling to your feet. "Thank you, sir! I won't disappoint you!" You shake his hand grinning.

"And next time, just call me Hotch." He said, this time smiling amusedly at your enthusiasm.

"Got it, and thank you again, sir." You said, excusing yourself from his room with a noticeable skip in your step.

You tried to cool yourself off walking back to your department to share the good news, but the excitement proved too much to hold in when a familiar voice calls out to you.

"Hey babygirl, considering you just came out of Hotch's office with a smile, I'm guessing you're going to be our newest teammate."

You turned around, trying to swallow your giddiness, when you realised that person was none other than SSA Morgan.

"Agent Morgan," you stuck out your hand in greeting. "Nice to meet you, and yes, I am."

"Derek." He corrected, grinning as he shook your hand. "Looking forward to working closely with you."

"Just call him Morgan. Don't need to get too close to this player." SSA Prentiss nudged Derek out of the way, raising her hand to meet yours. "I'm Emily Prentiss."

You giggled at their closeness.

The rest of the introductions quickly followed, including hugs from JJ and Penelope, and a starstruck moment when Rossi left his office to personally welcome you to the team. But there was one person whom you hadn't formally met yet.

Dr. Reid had finally separated his head from his work amidst the commotion (plus a very strong encouragement from one Mr. Derek Morgan to "go get her, pretty boy") and walked up to you, a nervous gait in his step.

He stuck his hand out to your surprise, having heard that the doctor was a tad germaphobic, and shook yours. "Dr. Spencer Reid," he said. "But you can call me Spencer, everyone else does."

"Nice to meet you, Spencer." You tried out the foreign name on your tongue. "Honestly, I'm quite a fan of your academic papers. I'm looking forward to working with you."

You knew the genius was a bit awkward, but he instantly turned beet red at your words and retracted his hand. The thought that this was the first time somebody had complimented him this way made you a little sad. But you thought his reaction was incredibly cute, and apparently so did the rest.

"Pretty boy, pret-ty boy, is that how you should react around a lady?" Derek sing-songed, putting his arm around the poor genius' shoulders, tugging him down.

JJ shot you an apologetic look for her childish teammates, while the rest joined in to poke fun at Spencer. Although he was frowning, his voice betrayed no hints of annoyance. Clearly they were all very close.

You laughed along, feeling a growing warmth in your chest, and wondered if you'd be a part of this family in the future.

But first, you’d have to get used to being the Eighth.

------------

(Part 2 here!)

[firewoodfigs]

Hi!! Could you do "It was a hospital bed, and A slipped in carefully to lie beside B all night" for a Royai fic from that prompt list? Thank you!! ❤️❤️

hello anon!! thanks for the prompt aaaah I had a lot of fun toying with it in between work and the other shenanigans that have been cropping up this week <3 I hope you don't mind the somewhat unusual ending ahaha I dimly recall writing a few other fics indirectly responding to this prompt (here and here!) so I wanted to try something slightly different from my usual fare 👉🏻👈🏻 part of this was also originally from a two-shot I'm working on, tweaked to fit the prompt hehe. I hope you enjoy!!! 🥰

                                       +++++

Riza can think of a million reasons why hospitals are awful.

First, the food. She’s not sure if it’s as nutritious as they make it out to be; there are times when she wonders if it’s even edible. She’s had worse, of course - hospital food isn’t as bad as ration bars - but she’s quickly getting tired of eating plain yoghurt and bland porridge every day, for every single meal.

Second, the stench. Riza hates that every inch of the place smells like a victim of obsessive cleanliness; she has to resist the urge to upchuck every time the door opens and the smell of chemicals and antiseptic filters in like an unwanted guest.

Third, the fact that she’s sharing a room with a man who, at this point, is behaving more like a cat on hot bricks than a disciplined soldier is quickly driving her insane. She’d readily agreed to be his caretaker, of course; Riza doubts there’s anyone else capable of dealing with his antics and ever-growing anxiety. But after hearing him sigh and toss and turn in his bed for the fifty-eighth time that night (she’d counted, because she was bored out of her wits, and there was nothing else she could do other than sleep or stare at the ceiling, per doctor’s orders), Riza decides she’s just about had enough.

She looks at him from her bed. He’s presently engaged with twiddling his thumbs, thinking out loud.

Riza sighs and rises from her bed quietly. She brings the IV stand along with her - an unnecessary inconvenience - and carefully slips into his bed once she’s made sure that the tubes and wires connected to them are tangle-free.

“I never pegged you as an opportunist, Lieutenant,” he murmurs, despite her best efforts to be discreet. “Sleeping with your commanding officer while he’s blind?”

“You could always court martial me later, sir,” Riza deadpans. “Now scoot over.”

Luckily, he obliges without much retort. 

“Your wish is my command.”

Riza huffs. She adjusts the thin, scraggly piece of linen that the hospital justifies as a blanket - another downside of this shitty place - and makes sure he’s probably covered, warm.

“Three words,” she mutters.

“Eight letters?”

“Twelve, actually.”

Roy raises a brow. “What could it be?”

“Would you like to wager a guess, sir?”

“Not really.”

“You’re an idiot,” she says. Roy laughs, and it’s a tiny little sound that is so discordant with his current mood, but it’s at least genuine. “Now go to sleep.”

“Alright, alright.”

He stops fidgeting, for a while. Riza closes her eyes and attempts to fall asleep - and she actually does, for a while - at least until she hears the sheets rustling again, the movement and tension coming from beside her. She groans softly.

“You should sleep, sir.”

She feels him stiffen. Roy smiles sheepishly, looking right through her like she’s not there. It still unnerves her how this is probably going to be their new normal: him without his sight. Her as his eyes.

“Sorry.”

Riza frowns. An apology is not the answer she wants. What she wants is for him - or them both, actually - to sleep and rest and properly recuperate so that they can have a speedy recovery, so that they can get out of here as soon as possible.

“Bad dreams?” she asks, because it’s the exact same thing that’s been haunting her. (She’s lucky her throat makes it impossible for her to scream or kick up a fuss; she’d hate for Roy to stumble blindly through the room in what he probably thinks is an act of chivalry and/or heroism.)

He shrugs.

“Then and now,” he offers. His smile fades, and he lapses into an unexpected moment of vulnerability. “Hard to differentiate between day and night nowadays, too.”

And because Riza doesn’t know what to say, she simply brushes her knuckles against his.

Roy returns the gesture, drawing indiscernible patterns on the back of her hand with his bandaged one.

“Well, it’s almost midnight now, sir.”

He lets out a small laugh, but it’s painfully hollow.

Riza shifts slightly. It’s a bit of a tight squeeze - hospital beds are clearly not meant for two persons (or anything inappropriate) - but it doesn’t bother her all that much. She just wishes there’s more she can do, to comfort him. Make him feel a little less gloomy.

“It feels like I’ve been sleeping for years.”

“If it helps reduce the incidents of you falling asleep during office hours, then you should get more sleep now, while you can.”

Roy turns, like he’s searching for her, even though there’s not much closer she can be at this point. He exhales shakily. She feels his hand trembling against hers, and responds with a gentle caress. (She knows he’s still feeling guilty, probably berating himself internally about their predicament, about what transpired beforehand. And to be fair, there’s a part of her that’s still angry about all that's happened underground. They’ll probably have to talk about it, at some point, but probably not now — not when they’re both still drugged up and only half-lucid.)

“Humour me, Lieutenant.”

“What?”

“I can’t sleep,” he confesses. Dimly, Riza notes that his voice has taken on a somewhat petulant edge — like a child complaining about their bedtime, but she doesn’t comment on it. Being nearly bedridden for a week is enough to drive her nuts, too. “I’ve tried counting sheep and all that shit, and it’s just — it’s not working.”

Riza sighs. She’s tired, yes, but she’s also aware that she’s probably not going to get any sleep at this rate. She tries to think of ways to stave off his restlessness. Reading is one — she can probably bore him into sleep with a Xingese recitation (she’s gotten pretty good at that lately), but she’s technically not supposed to be talking much. Alcohol is another, but neither of them are supposed to be drinking (and besides, the only form of alcohol available in hospitals isn’t meant for human consumption). Maybe chess, then. She’s not particularly keen on playing a game of chess, now (because she just wants to sleep), but she thinks it’ll help exhaust some of his boundless energy.

“We could play a game of chess, if you want. Breda was kind enough to drop a vinyl board here in the afternoon.”

“I can’t see —“

“I’ll tell you where I move my pieces.”

He frowns, clearly not liking the idea. “You’re not supposed to be talking much, Lieutenant.”

“I’m fine,” she insists, turning to pour a cup of water for herself before continuing. “I won’t have to speak much — unless you’re being a nuisance or a cheat or a fraud.”

He laughs. “I’ll be none of those things, Lieutenant.”

“Good.”

She sets up the board on his bed and helps him sit up. Riza lets him play white.

“It’s your move, sir.”

“You’ve made yours?”

“No. You’re playing white.”

“Tough. It’ll be more embarrassing if I end up losing.”

Riza smiles. “Well, we don’t know that yet, sir.”

He opens with pawn to e4. She helps him move his pieces and parrots her movements back to him. Pawn to e4, too. Pawn to d4. Same here. A closed game, not quite like his usual aggressive style of playing.

Riza watches as he frowns with intensity. It’s probably more a test of memory than strategy for him at this point. She wonders if there’s a way he can adapt to chess, to the military’s utilitarian (and frankly unsympathetic) demands now that his sight’s impaired.

(Life is so unlike chess, Riza thinks, in spite of Roy’s silly metaphors that postulate otherwise. The rules are never fixed, and the universe is always rife with uncertainty. It’s not like chess, where you can predict your opponents’ moves if you get good enough. Neither of them had expected that he’d be here right now, losing sleep and contemplating life over a chessboard while blind.)

He clucks his tongue, reciting a series of movements from memory. The Blackmar-Diemer. Riza smiles indulgently.

Still as aggressive as ever, sir.

Of course.

The game quickly becomes a round of blitz, and though he manages to open his lines and mount a rather decent attack, it’s clear that he has trouble recalling after the eighteenth move. It's still an impressive feat, though. Better than the average layperson.

“Check,” Riza announces, conversationally. Technically, she’d had the advantage, both on the board (and in real life). It shouldn’t really count, and besides, checkmate isn’t her objective — it’s to get her commanding office to sleep.

“Well-played,” Roy hums. He’s strangely still in his bed as he closes his eyes, rubbing at his temples — presumably to ease off an oncoming migraine. It happens a lot, when he’s in deep thought, when he’s over thinking. Thinking too much for his own good. “I need to work on my recall, I think.”

“I think so too, sir.”

He laughs, but the sound is again empty, foreign. It is so at odds with his usual smirks and unbridled laughter (when he’s laughing at someone else, or a joke made at somebody’s expense), like there’s an ache beneath the surface that she cannot reach.

Roy turns slightly, bumping into his dethroned king as he adjusts himself on the bed.

She blames the sudden, uncharacteristic urge to cry on her drugged-up system.

(Riza doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to how uncommunicative his eyes are. He’s always regarded each and every one of his subordinates with respect and meaning and gratitude, but he’d simply looked over the unit as if taking inventory when they had come by earlier.

But she’ll make do, Riza thinks. She has to. She’s always known him in a way nobody else has, in a deeply intimate way, like a book she’s memorised by heart.)

They fall silent for a few minutes. His lips part a little - she knows  he’s about to say something - but it snaps shut again, like he can’t bring himself to say the words.

Riza simply waits for him, like she always has; holding onto his held breath like it's the last thread of hope. She leans into his touch a little closer than necessary.

I’m right here, even if you can’t see me.

Roy smiles.

“I hope I won’t forget your face, Riza.”

[shihalyfie]

The difference between the friend dynamics in the Adventure and 02 groups

This is a point I’ve reiterated in a lot of my 02-based metas, but there is a fairly distinct difference between the Adventure Chosen Children having a tight, deep bond and yet not quite being friends in “social life”, whereas the 02 group was a much tighter group on a social level. I always feel that I need to be really careful about saying this, because if I don’t word it carefully, it sounds like I’m trivializing the Adventure group’s bonds (plus, a lot of Adventure diehards will get very upset at you for suggesting this no matter how you put it), so I thought I should write something a bit more in-depth about it.

I think a lot of of this ultimately ties into what each series was about. The fact that Adventure was meant to be a series about “self-recognition of the individual” whereas 02 was about “relationships with others” has been pointed out by many a fan (and official staff too, while we’re at it), and it naturally lends to how the characters and the relationships between them will have a fundamental difference.

The idea that the Adventure group wouldn’t be the type to get together all that easily never really took that long after Adventure to set in. Of course, Our War Game! having this as a plot point also had a meta purpose (basically, limiting the number of people who could participate in the Diablomon battle), but it also has a very important point behind it: the Adventure kids’ social lives were never all that intertwined.

Again, this is something that sounds really awful to say without further qualification. What do you mean, the Adventure kids weren’t friends? Does that mean their entire adventure was for nothing? Did they go through all that only to forget about each other right after it?!

Well, no, that’s kind of exaggeration. I think to properly flesh out the nature of the issue, it’s important to define the differing ways you can be friends with someone. Imagine that you go on the best vacation in your life. You meet a handful of people there. You swap stories and get life-changing advice. You take commemorative photos after some really spectacular experiences. You swap numbers and social media contacts and then you go home. Are you going to keep in touch every so often with the people who gave you some very important advice, and maybe check on their important life events or organize a reunion sometime in the future? Very possibly! Does that mean everyone you met at that trip will now be regularly going out for lunch with you every week now?...Probably not, especially if you already have friends from school. That doesn’t mean you aren’t friends with the important people you met during that best life-changing vacation; it just means that they fill a very different niche in your life from the friends who don’t necessarily understand the life-changing vacation but have the free time to chat with you over lunch.

When the Adventure group found themselves pulled into the Digital World during summer camp, they had already come from very different social spheres. In short:

Taichi, Sora, and Koushirou were the only ones with a background of knowing each other beforehand, thanks to being in the soccer club;

Yamato went to the same school as the others but was a stranger to them, to the point people didn’t even realize Takeru was his brother at first;

Mimi had her own friend circle (see Adventure episode 29);

Jou was assigned as Mimi’s camp group leader but had no other prior relation to her, and Yamato didn’t even initially know his age;

Takeru wasn’t even supposed to be there since he didn’t go to their school and was only tagging along with Yamato;

Hikari was brought halfway into the adventure by virtue of being the eighth Chosen and Taichi’s sister.

Although six of the eight come from the same school, you can see that they’re basically “kids brought together by a certain circumstance” -- they’re not kids who would have normally come into each other’s purview had it not been for this. Which also means that as soon as their adventure ended and some years passed, the aspects of their real lives and social circles started kicking back in:

Taichi continued soccer;

Yamato formed a band (and presumably had a good relationship with his own bandmates);

Sora quit soccer for tennis;

Koushirou quit soccer for the computer club;

Mimi moved to the US;

Jou started attending a private school outside Odaiba;

Takeru and Hikari were never in their age group to begin with.

In the case of Taichi, Yamato, Sora, and Koushirou, it’s representative of how, although they originally had a shared interest in soccer, ultimately, they started to drift into their own specialties. Again, remember that Adventure was a series fundamentally about finding yourself and finding your own path, and all of these choices actually tie into their character arcs: Taichi is a straightforward person and a natural, charismatic leader, meaning soccer was good for him to begin with; Yamato learned to become more sociable and make friends at school; Sora started playing tennis as part of properly reconciling with her mother, and Koushirou decided to pursue a club relevant to his actual interests instead of one purely so that he could have minimal presence in it.

Mimi’s moving to the US is an interesting case because it’s likely because she’s often described (by both fans and official staff) as someone who is easily likeable and can get along with practically anyone. Considering that she’s constantly considerate of others and lacking in condescension or malice, it’s easy to see why; her infamous bouts of complaining were largely because she was under a lot of stress at the time of Adventure’s events (it’s even said that her cracking under pressure was meant to be representative of how an ordinary child her age would react to the situation), and otherwise she has no problems making friends -- hence why she was shown in Adventure episode 29 as already having friends in Taako and Mii-chan that she presumably hung out with prior to the events of the series. So in moving to the US, the point is made that Mimi could move to an entire other country and still hit it up with people there (and she does, given how she makes friends in Michael and the other American Chosen without issue). So thus, Mimi’s moving is also part of her own path -- becoming an effective “ambassador” between international Chosen as they start to pop up all over the globe.

As for Jou, his character arc has heavily to do with the fact that he’s always been on the “elite” academic track -- Japanese school entrance exams stretch back as far as high school, so the fight to get into medical school comes back as early as here, and since the events of Adventure helped Jou come to terms with why he wanted to be a doctor rather than just following his father’s wishes, it’s understandable that he would now be putting everything into that goal -- even if it means going to a different school outside Odaiba and committing himself to the prep school life. And, generally speaking, the other kids respect that too, given that the only time they tried to pull him from it was a time they were literally suffocating on the spot and needed Ikkakumon’s specific backup badly (02 episode 16).

And finally, Takeru and Hikari? The fact that they’re that much younger than the others in this group really is a big deal. When they’re on something “purpose-based” like an adventure, of course the others will have no problem keeping them around, and of course they’ll be happy to participate with these older kids. But if we’re talking about mundane, ordinary life -- there’s not a lot of evidence to suggest they really would prefer the company of kids so much older than them for conversations over lunch. This is especially because it’s hard to imagine they didn’t have other friends at school, too.

Not that they mind being around all these older kids when the time calls for it, but as far as socialization goes, they have their own lives to live. And that’s fine; again, Adventure was a narrative about kids coming to terms with themselves and what they wanted, and it’s not their fault for prioritizing those paths and forming their own social circles rather than insisting on being a specific eight-person group (no matter how much the fanbase wants to have the romantic image of them sticking together all the time no matter what).

Plus, it’s not like they all completely drifted apart and cut each other off!

Just because they’re not “daily life friends” doesn’t mean they’re not still important to each other. 02 episode 38 has Taichi, Sora, Jou, and Koushirou show up for Yamato’s concert -- it’s unlikely they were attending every single one of his concerts, but this was a very important one that was going to be broadcast on TV, so it’s only natural that even Jou (who, again, doesn’t go to school in Odaiba anymore) would still come to support him.

In fact, the fact they can come together when a situation like this happens even without necessarily meeting up every single day of their lives is probably a testament to how strong that bond is in itself. They don’t need to hang out once a day or week to maintain their friendship, and having other friends they’d rather hang out with throughout the day or invite to events doesn’t necessarily mean the other Adventure kids are less worthy friends to them. That experience in August 1999 was so impactful on all of them that they will never forget it, so even if they spent quite a long amount of time not interacting with each other, when a circumstance that necessitates them coming together does bring them together, they can hit it off like nothing happened. Think about how you might have an important friend that you may not chat with on a daily basis, but you talk to them once in a while and hit it off like you never had a break in the conversation. But because that strong bond is based on that one very specific experience that happened in one specific summer, it’s only natural that the majority of meetups over this are going to be based on something to do with that experience, like Digimon incidents; for ordinary things like “band concerts” or “club activities”, it’ll naturally be easier to stick around friends who have more similar social interests, like fellow band or club members.

On the other hand, this is very much not the case for the 02 group.

To understand why the 02 group has a fundamentally different dynamic, we need to dial back to a little before the actual “adventure” part of 02 started.

Right off the bat, we see:

Takeru moves to Odaiba from Sangenjaya, and specifically to the same building Miyako and Iori live in, meaning he’ll be walking to school with them every day;

02 episode 7 indicates that the Motomiya and Yagami families live in the same apartment complex, meaning Daisuke and Hikari are also likely to walk to school together;

Miyako and Iori are established as having already long hit it off with each other as neighbors;

Daisuke, Hikari, and Takeru end up in the same class (with Daisuke and Hikari having known each other already).

In other words: Even before anything to do with Digimon had been introduced (or re-introduced, technically) into their lives, the kids were already being thrown into each other’s social circles. You could technically argue that Daisuke wouldn’t have necessarily met Miyako and Iori if not for the Digimon incident coming into his life later in the episode, but Takeru being neighbors with them basically fills in all of the gaps here -- unlike with the Adventure kids where the adventure in August 1999 threw them together when they likely wouldn’t have been in the same social circle otherwise, the 02 kids are the social circle even independently of the Digimon incidents. In fact, due to being functionally neighbors, there are a lot of ways these kids’ social lives intersect, with Daisuke and Miyako being Taichi and Koushirou’s juniors, Miyako working for Yamato’s band, Yamato being classmates with Miyako’s sister Chizuru, and Jun and Miyako’s other sister Momoe being classmates.

Since, again, 02 was a series fundamentally structured on examining relationships, you can basically view Adventure being a series about “bringing some people together as they find self-assertion even when they’re from different social circles” while 02 follows that up with “so if they were in the same social circle, how would they deal with that?” -- especially since 02 makes it clear that certain kinds of emotional baggage associated with that can actually make it much more complicated.

A lot of 02′s first half is dedicated to the 02 kids doing completely mundane things that have very little relevance to the Digital World conflict -- watching TV in the computer room (remember: this was before they realized the “genius boy” being covered on the news was actually relevant to this), or having a picnic in the Digital World. Mimi even explicitly points out that this kind of thing wouldn’t have happened with the Adventure kids, but it’s not just because of the fact that Adventure involved a lot of running for their lives! It’s easy to dismiss a lot of what happens in these early episodes as “filler”, but a lot of this is dedicated to depicting how the 02 kids were constantly spending time with each other for reasons completely separated from Digimon incidents. This even includes completely ordinary things like soccer games -- Takeru, Hikari, Miyako, and Iori come to support Daisuke with an obvious motive of seeing him do well, so it’s apparent that they’ve come to enjoy hanging out with him beyond just obligation.

Part of this is because of the different nature of the Digimon conflict that they experienced. The Adventure kids had an experience that really was, functionally, “one” experience -- an extremely formative and important one, but one condensed one that they all experienced together. The nature of what the 02 territory war and conflict was, on the other hand, meant that what the conflict “was” to the 02 kids was of a completely different nature. This wasn’t summer vacation; this involved going back and forth between the fight and real life, to the point where Digimon fighting became integrated into “daily life” -- so of course you’d probably hope that the people you’re fighting with are also people you like to bond with on a social level. “Digimon life” and “social life” became synonymous to them.

And when it all comes down to it, it’s hard to pinpoint a “single experience” that the events of 02 embodied, or at least in the same way August 1999′s adventure was. As much as they were running for their lives, the Adventure kids have the luxury of looking at the events of their series as a formative singular time for them, one that they could even look at nostalgically, but for the 02 kids, it’s hard to condense everything into one singular experience (it’s easy for the audience to see it as one series, but for the kids themselves, it’s a very long chain of vaguely connected events). Actually, most of the year involved fighting with someone who ended up becoming their important friend and the other involved helping him deal with his trauma, so it’s not like everyone would be likely to have the most romantic image of this experience itself to “bond” over as much as they care more about the take-home they got out of it: each other.

One thing that 02 doesn’t really spotlight front and center with its starter cast of characters is that, unlike the Adventure kids, who either came with their own social circles prior to Adventure or eventually developed their own in the course of their lives, it’s heavily implied that the 02 kids actually had difficulty making other friends even on a social level, or at least were likely to be in a situation where the other 02 kids really were better company than their other options even for mundane situations. This is especially in the case of the newly introduced characters, who are, effectively, a bit socially “displaced” from others and likely to have struggles fitting in.

There are quite a few signs that Daisuke had serious difficulty making friends prior to the events of the series (with Hikari being the closest thing he had to one), and the fact that the 12-year-old Miyako is portrayed as constantly hanging out with the 9-year-old Iori, brought together by being neighbors, rather than people closer to their own ages stands out. Iori is particularly interesting in that, unlike with Takeru and Hikari, who were portrayed as kids likely to socialize better with those their own age, Iori’s unusual maturity for his age heavily implies that he would actually be out of place with his classroom peers (a very common phenomenon for some people in real life, too!). 02 episode 3 depicting him left alone in the classroom with only a teacher to watch him while his stubborn fixation on principles leaves him slow to finish his lunch says a lot -- his own behavior is liable to isolate him from others, and it’s thus not all that surprising he ended up bonding with some kids who are older than him and more accepting (and even treat him with proper respect, too).

Takeru and Hikari, too. There’s been a lot of arguments over whether the two of them would theoretically be closer to the Adventure kids or the 02 kids, but I would honestly say it’s technically both at once -- they have the same “not socially close, but intuitively understanding” relationship that the Adventure kids all have with each other, but hold the other 02 kids as part of their social circle and hang out with them in “daily life”. So in other words, they have the Adventure kids’ relationship with the other Adventure kids, and the 02 kids’ relationship with the 02 kids. This is presumably why Takeru and Hikari end up hitting it off so well at the start of 02 even though they didn’t interact all that intimately in Adventure; not only do they have that shared experience they intuitively understand, they also were able to start hanging out in day-to-day life and actually, well, socialize.

This applies to them in relation to the rest of the group as well. While neither of them were necessarily portrayed as having social problems, one common thread between the two is that they’re both very emotionally closed-in. Takeru’s response to negativity is to cover it up with smiles, until he can’t hide it anymore and bursts (which scares the hell out of Iori in 02 episode 19 and ultimately forms the basis of their Jogress arc), whereas Hikari has issues vocalizing whenever she’s hurt or in pain (said by herself in 02 episode 31, but with precedent from Adventure episode 48). That means that, even with potential social circles at school, it’s unlikely they necessarily would have had someone they could emotionally bond with deeply off the bat (especially since Takeru had just moved from Sangenjaya), and it’s likely why they kept gravitating towards each other (despite never truly talking about anything in-depth for most of the series) up until the Jogress arc.

In other words, while the Adventure kids’ adventure of self-actualization meant that their relationships to each other were mainly formed on simply understanding that they had a similar experience and empathizing, the 02 kids -- full of a group of somewhat socially maladjusted and out of place kids, plus two who had been on the prior adventure but were young enough to now still be carrying some deep-seated, unresolved emotional baggage -- were in a position where they arguably needed each others’ help to grow.

Jogress isn’t just an obligatory evolution gimmick; it’s something very important to 02 as a series and understanding what it wants to say about relationships. I think one thing that makes me very sad is how often its constant pigeonholing as a gimmick makes me hear people saying that Daisuke and Ken was the only plot-relevant one and the rest were forced “spares”, saying that something like Takeru-Hikari and Miyako-Iori would make more sense. But when the point of the series is about building your relationships from scratch and learning to grow together, I really don’t feel that a story about relationships that naturally existed already would have helped it nearly as much. It’s not like Daisuke and Ken was that likely of a friendship, either!

This is especially in the case of Takeru and Hikari, who certainly were vibing pretty well with each other, but were still very emotionally closed-in with a lot of emotional baggage until the more to-the-point Miyako and Iori were able to break through their shells. (02 episode 13 is so often considered a “Takeru and Hikari bonding” episode, but while it does do a lot to show off the depth of their relationship that hadn’t been depicted much besides them just hanging out all the time, it also does not solve Hikari’s core problem in nearly the same way Miyako gets to the bottom of it in episode 31.) This is also why Takeru and Hikari have such a different relationship with the 02 kids compared to theirs with the Adventure kids; while they were largely tagging along with the older kids and learning a bit about inner strength back during their summer adventure, the 02 group is the one who not only provided them with friendship on a more equal peer level, but also poked deeply into their emotional issues that they very much needed others to help them out of. These are friends who finally get them.

That Ken ultimately becomes yet another addition to this group of kids in need of friends finding support in each other should go without saying -- after all, it’s made abundantly clear he was very lonely and friendless until Daisuke and the others reached out to him -- but it ultimately culminates in them choosing to integrate this lonely boy from Tamachi into their social life. (Remember: Ken is the only of the six 02 kids to live in Tamachi and not Odaiba, but the last quarter of the series has them going out of their way to meet up.) The episode that establishes that everyone has truly made their peace with Ken and wants to unequivocally support him (with the most originally stubborn against it, Iori, graciously accepting him) is sealed off with a Christmas party. A completely ordinary Christmas party that has nothing to do with the Digimon incidents at hand, where they can play meaningless card games and celebrate the little things like Ken laughing, because it’s not just forgiving him or learning to work with him, but actively enjoying his presence and supporting him.

The Digimon Animation Chronicle profile for Ken in Diablomon Strikes Back refers to him as Daisuke’s “best friend” (親友). Usually, the word for “friends” within Adventure and 02 would be nakama (仲間); you may have heard this word from One Piece fans, but this is a word that roughly means “one of us” and has a stronger emphasis on being in a certain group, or being like-minded. Thus, “you’re a Chosen Child like us,” or, more pertinently, “you have the same goal as us and we’re in this together” (after all, it’s not like being a Chosen Child was ever an exclusive club or anything).

But in the case of Daisuke and Ken’s relationship, it’s not just about having happened to gain a deep bond over the course of 02, it’s that Daisuke now really does have a sense of emotional closeness to Ken that the two are considered best friends by default -- in any situation, despite him living all the way in Tamachi. Even though the franchise loves to put them in the category that “protagonists and rivals” usually get, where most others are ones who tend to have friction but understand each other in the end, Daisuke and Ken are unique in that they’re not like that at all. They have a very straightforward sense of emotionally confiding in each other, at worst maybe lightly bantering a bit, but they are friends before anything else, and that extends to the rest of the 02 group as well.

The aftermath

On its face, it sounds like the 02 kids are getting a pretty luxurious deal -- they got a fun adventure of emotional growth out of it, and they’re tight friends with each other at that! Well, that probably sounds great, but there’s a flip side to all of this.

Firstly, as I mentioned earlier, the Adventure kids’ adventure in 1999 was a lot more “romantic” than the 02 kids’ eight-month-long ordeal. Sure, a lot of it definitely was stressful, what with the running for their lives and the scary villains and the emotional conflict, but there was also the part about getting to meet Gennai and the other friendly Digimon around and getting to explore villages. They were on summer break, so they didn’t even really have to worry about school (especially once they realized time dilation was a thing); it’s basically the epitome of the romantic coming-of-age story. (Fun fact: Stand By Me is really culturally influential in Japan.)

02, on the other hand, was an eight-month-long ordeal of having to fight a territory war crammed into the after-hours of school, juggling fighting this war with keeping it from parents, in a fight that would retroactively turn out to be against what would later become a heavily traumatized and beloved friend, plus eventually watching him get subject to even worse trauma. Oh, and the series also ended on witnessing a bunch of deaths (or in other words, the worst New Year’s Eve ever). While it seemed like the kids had the luxury of enjoying the Digital World in ways the Adventure kids couldn’t at first, actually, they didn’t get to enjoy as much of it at all, since they never got to form any lasting relationships with anyone like Gennai or Elecmon. These kids were basically too busy trying to keep each others’ heads on straight to really be able to focus on that.

The comparative mess that the 02 kids went through, and the messes that they kind of are, means that they’re rather dependent on each other for emotional support. This is not inherently a bad thing, mind you; the fact that some people are more independent than others is a simple fact of life, and the 02 kids (whether it’s from naturally being a bit misfit or from the degree of their experiences) being the type who grow together with mutual support isn’t inherently anything bad. It does, however, mean that they’re likely to have some difficulties ahead coming out of 02 as “growing up” conspires to make it more and more difficult for them to stick together -- after all, how many people have actually been able to stick with their elementary school friends all the way into adulthood? This is especially because Japanese high schools admit students by examination, and rank by academic ability; it’s not particularly common for those from the same elementary/middle school to attend the same high school, even if they live close to each other, and it’s very unlikely that all of them will be sticking together in school by that point.

So, how did they fare?

Well, before we get into anything else, we should probably bring up one thing that seems like such a tiny little detail but is actually very important for this: Technology didn’t stagnate at 02′s D-Terminals, and by the time of Kizuna in 2010, smartphones and group chats existed! (Earlier than they did in real life, at that.) This is actually really important because of how much it does for that question of “how to keep in contact when circumstances like school keep you apart” -- especially when the Adventure group would certainly appreciate the method to keep in touch despite their lives largely getting increasingly separate. That, and even more so if other similar technological things like social media existed; there’s a lot of ways to keep in touch despite physical and circumstantial distance.

Of course, they’d been keeping in touch via email since 02, but a group chat is much lower pressure and actively encourages everyone to keep in touch; think about how useful group chats have been for connecting with your own longtime friends. It’s ambiguous whether the 02 group was privy to this particular chat from To Sora given that they were clearly on call for incidents like the Parrotmon one, but it’s also entirely possible that this is a room for The Ones Who Went on That One Adventure in August 1999, especially since they use the Crests as their icons, and the 02 group has their own (let’s be real, they totally would; think about how many Discord servers with overlapping people you might be in right now). This, combined with the fact that the Adventure and 02 groups seem to have formed a sort of recon squad for the increasing number of Digimon incidents in Tokyo, means that there are actually a lot more opportunities to stay involved with each other than ever before!

As it seems, the Adventure group does seem to be rather emotionally close to the point that Taichi is willing to reach out to Yamato simply to dump his emotional troubles about his future career prospects on him (despite them going to very different universities at this point). Yet, at the same time, there’s still a palpable sense of distance going on here, and a depiction of Taichi and Yamato having developed separate social lives and their own friend circles -- Taichi with Morikawa and Nemoto, and Yamato with Abe (their names come from the novel), who are also acquainted with each other enough to talk about career and worry about each other.

When Taichi and Yamato talk over beer, they don’t even have updates on the same people (Yamato has to update Taichi on Sora and Takeru’s status), and ultimately, Yamato comments on their drifting -- saying that it’s a potentially inevitable part of choosing one’s path. It’s not hard to see why he says this; it’s been a recurring theme for them since after the events of Adventure. Sora and Mimi haven’t been around for Digimon incidents lately because of their careers, and it’s highly likely Jou hasn’t either; Koushirou keeps in touch, but our only depictions have been in the range of business and Digimon incidents.

But for the 02 group? Absolutely not.

The Kizuna drama CD has a lot about what the 02 group was doing (and planning to do) during their little “vacation” in New York. In fact, there’s a lot to go on about here:

Daisuke and Takeru show up together even though Iori was allegedly said to be “first” approached, meaning the two of them were basically hanging out anyway.

Daisuke insists on going on a trip that’s about his own personal career with friends -- and not just any friends, but specifically the group of himself, Ken, Miyako, Iori, Takeru, and Hikari. He also wanted his seniors along, but they were too busy -- but it’s pointed out that the other 02 group members aren’t exactly full of free time either, meaning that these five have a special place of importance to Daisuke in his ramen career trip.

Even the Digimon are aware of what the other humans (the ones that aren’t even their partners!) have been up to lately.

Miyako and Hawkmon say that it’s only natural for them to show up when the group is getting together -- i.e. being with this specific company is a fact of life to her, to the point she invents D-3 gate exploitation to be with them.

The group keeps saying “it’s been a while” for periods of time in which it is made pretty obvious it’s actually not a lot of time at all. (Miyako had just left for Spain to the point her coming back elicits an “already?!” kind of reaction, yet that constitutes “a while”, and the most likely very short time between the trip planning and the movie is also apparently “a while”, and it’s very likely that Takeru’s “a while” in greeting Iori may well have not been that long, either.) It really makes you think about how often the people in this group must be meeting up to think that this constitutes “a while”...

Hikari is ready to fight people for denying her the chance to play with Miyako.

Beyond that, they’ve all apparently been regular enough presences in Daisuke’s life for completely offhand comments and actions to have major impacts on his career thoughts.

In the movie itself, Miyako refuses to take on the exact same request that she ultimately gladly participates in with the rest of the 02 group in New York -- presumably, because the fact her friends are there makes it all better.

As it turns out, despite everything -- despite everyone going in completely different directions with their careers, attending different schools (Iori’s still in high school while everyone else is in university!), the 02 group has been maintaining this attitude of going out of their way to hang out with each other, in a sort of “we do it together, or we don’t do it at all” sense. Of course, that’s not to say they’ve all stayed so socially maladjusted that they’ve become completely incapable of making any other friends at all, but there is a very clear, strong preference of them wanting to be in each other’s specific company to the point that they would do ridiculous things to make it work.

So, you might be asking: what’s the trade-off?

Yamato attributes the alienation between the Adventure group to “choosing one’s own path”. Inherently, this is not quite right (nor is the sentiment that “choices are bad” in general), especially considering that Daisuke, Iori, and Hikari already made their choices in path a long time ago, yet are still behaving like this. The question is actually more of priorities; notice that while the older Adventure characters are mainly portrayed in Kizuna as aggressively pursuing career prospects, the 02 characters, despite having their current educational statuses listed in their profiles, simply seem to have this as not an object.

Iori’s still in school uniform; he’s arguably cramming this all between school club obligations. Ken, Miyako, Takeru, and Hikari don’t have their current educational status involved at all, and even though Daisuke’s ramen trip is technically for his future career, he’s also happy to just “play around” about sightseeing (and, again, there’s also no reason he needed to bring his friends for this). Takeru’s working on his novel, but he hasn’t actually decided it’ll be his career yet. It’s not about whether they’ve made choices or not; it’s about the fact they’re going about this remarkably casually to the point where maintaining their relationship with their friends is more important than career. And this extends to the 02 epilogue as well; compared to their seniors’ more prominent history-making careers, the 02 group’s is more low-scale and community-oriented (the only exception being Sora, but even that ties into individual ambition more than anything else, considering that not succeeding her mother is already a pretty big deal in itself).

The take-home

Adventure and 02 are both very well-known for showcasing people with different personalities and goals in life, and celebrating their differences. I think, personally, the difference between the Adventure and 02 groups’ dynamics is also something that reflects on the different ways to live one’s life as well. This is especially something that most of us can probably understand well now that we’re adults looking back at this, especially in light of Kizuna.

There are some of us who really want to do large-scale things in this world, and will need that understanding of the self to get there but may struggle with maintaining consistent friendships on that turbulent path, and have to adapt by managing the different levels of their relationships and learning to get along with different people in different ways. There are some of us who gain happiness more from mutual support with the people around us even if it means not ostensibly achieving as “great” things, and feel most comfortable with a single consistent set of friends. Some of us are in between, or feel elements of both as we try to experiment with things in life (actually, I’m pretty sure that’s probably most of us to some degree).

Think about your own life and future prospects right now, and then think about the friends you may be in touch with, or haven’t been in touch with for a while, or the ones you talk to for different purposes or fulfill different niches in your life. We’re all trying to straddle this balance; there’s no one right way to live.

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

His Dark Materials - Season 2 Episode 5 (rambles)

I only realized last week, there’s only 7 episodes this series because the eighth would have been the Asriel centric one. So only two left now after tonight! :(

Also I finished the book during the last week so I am so READY

Ahh gotta love that London traffic!

I don’t know why but the Golden Monkey wearing a seatbelt SENT ME

Mrs Coulter is watching the mother and baby :(

Boreal saying that our world is barbaric and our world is corrupt is so accurate tbh I’m not even mad

Will literally just threw the knife into the wall omfg watch it!

Red PAN-da is becoming a permanent fixture in this show apparently

Lyra’s hair was so pretty this episode? Her costume too obviously but her hair had me in awe

The theme music to this show gives me literal chills

Boreal is evil but his house is A-fucking-plus

Okay but how does Ruth Wilson always look so gorgeous and fluid in this show?!?

Her faking nearly dropping one of Boreal’s precious collection pieces and him panicking 😅

Mrs Coulter’s little “hmm” and smile... we love a Queen

“Why are we whispering?” “I don’t know” - LMFAO

“Will, you left the window open” - LMAO and also please don’t do that, that’s like one of the BIG rules about the knife!

“He’s getting good at this” “he is” - we love a supportive feral wild girl and her dæmon

Mrs Coulter looking bored as fuck as Boreal plays his music is such a damn mood

“You’d like it here too” - Umm NO STOP PLEASE SHE DOESNT WANT IT

“Carlo, can you make that stop?” - OMG 🤣

“You’re far too conspicuous like that” - but she’s not??? She just looks like a posh well dressed woman, maybe that’s not common in this world but she looks fine??

Boreal picking out clothes he’s obviously got just for her is... eww. Just ewww.

Her reaction to the jeans/clothes though XD

“Would you mind?” - YEAH BOREAL STOP CREEPING AND FUCK OFF PLEASE

“Maybe it’s time we issue a firm denial of the tear in the sky” BRO IT’S LITERALLY HUGE AND RIGHT THERE YOU CAN’T PRETEND IT AIN’T

Oh shit the Magisterium know about that witches going to the new world + the massacre

MacPhail literally imprisoned Father Graves and for WHAT?! I think the power’s getting to him (which I know it the point but still!)

MRS COULTER SHUT THE DOOR ON HER DÆMON I’M-

Okay so I know it’s been implied/said that Mrs Coulter can go far away from the monkey already, and that they maybe have been through some kind of process that’s made that a thing, but like DAMN.

“I’m sure you’ve encountered witches in your travels” - if I hadn’t already read the books, I would be asking if she IS a witch tbh like omg

This is probably one of the few times I’ll say this but... I feel so sorry for the monkey?? Just him watching her as she leaves from the window... like that’s so sad. I get why she couldn’t exactly walk around with a monkey but urgh

“I apologize if she was a nuisance” “She wasn’t a nuisance!” - Oof you tell her, Mary

“You must be so proud.” “... I am.” - OOF

Mary showing that she’s better fit to be a parent to Lyra than Lyra’s real mother tbh

Damn Marisa disappeared FAST

Mary really googled Mrs Coulter I’m-

“You must play the serpent” “hornbeam” “save the girl and the boy” - IT’S HAPPENING IM GOING TO CRY IM SO EXCITED

The computer turning completely off and the room going dark before going red OH MY GOD

“Oh shut it, Pan” - LMAO

OH NO OH NO ANGELICA FOUND TULLIO AND SHE IS PISSED D:

A+ acting from Bella Ramsay by the way

“We WILL get you” - OH SHIT

The fact that Will feels guilty over fighting and inadvertently getting Tullio attacked by spectres because he has the knife :’(

It’s so sweet to see Lyra and Pan comforting him though

“I’m not judging” - Mary’s sister says while totally judging her for reading the Holy Bible. She probably thinks she’s about to rejoin the convent!

I find the relationship between Marisa and the monkey so interesting?? I’m so intrigued by it

“Do they drink in this world?” “That, they do well.” - LMFAO ACCURATE THOUGH

“I found her arrogant, like many women in this world.” - umm, FUCK you, Boreal you misogynistic sexist piece of shit

So Mrs Coulter was denied a doctorate despite being the best in her class because she’s a woman, and they would only have published her papers if they were by a man. I’m starting to see why she got upset when she met Mary, who’s got her own office and a doctorate and is head of the department/project

“Who I could have been in this world” - oh shIT

The way she started talking about how she felt after the whole affair/baby ordeal, followed by “we’re not talking about Asriel, we’re talking about ME” - FUCK. I love Ruth Wilson’s portrayal, I love it

“You’ve spent your time trading trinkets” - lmfao you tell him ma’am

“Were you hoping to add me to your little collection?” “I was hoping this would be a life for you here” - oh god I hate it, fuck right off Carlo

“If you got me, you wouldn’t even begin to know what to do with me” - oh SHIT :O

Lyra turning up to distract them so Will could have the chance to cut a window and steal the Alethiometer had me on the edge of my seat

Let’s be real right now, the whole last 15 minutes? THE MOST TENSE AND INCREDIBLE PIECE OF TELEVISION ASDFGHJKL

Mrs Coulter’s face when she saw Lyra at the door :’(

Also she nearly saw Will and I was sitting there praying she wouldn’t find him, I was so worried even though I’ve literally just reread the book

So um THE FUCKING MONKEY BASTARD JUMPSCARED ME AND I AUDIBLY YELLED SO LOUDLY HOLY HECK

The way that Lyra saw her mum and immediately tried to run away though, she just keeps trying to yeet herself away from her parents and I honestly don’t blame her at all

Boreal was being truly extra in the way he dropped his snake dæmon out of his sleeve like that whilst advancing on Will

“Why would I trust you?” TRUTH

Coulter saying for Lyra to stay away from Will and getting super teary eyed makes me think she’s worried Lyra will suffer like she did? Like she’s worried that Lyra will suffer at the hands of men and be in the same situation she was I think? And that’s so sad but nuanced

“I am NOTHING like you.”

So Lyra did this little head move like Marisa did in 1x02, when she made the monkey attack Pan to subdue Lyra - AND THEN PAN ATTACKED THE MONKEY JUST LIKE THAT, LITERALLY EXACTLY THE SAME, AND MRS COULTER FALLING TO THE FLOOR AND CLUTCHING THE SOFA LIKE LYRA DID?? AND LYRA WATCHING WITH THIS COLD LOOK ON HER FACE?!

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A COMPARISON GIFSET BECAUSE IM CRYING

I love Will getting mad at Boreal taunting him over his mum, and immediately starting to punch him

HE SMASHED THAT COLLECTION PIECE ON BOREAL’S HEAD FUCK YEAH WILL 👏🏻

That was a DAMN close escape, holy fuck, but she’s got the Alethiometer back!

“The man who hurt you, I wanted to kill him” - same Lyra

I was so emotional when she was talking about how Marisa used her dæmon to hurt her and Pan, and Will saying that he’s never worried about his mum hurting him... the comparison is so sad

“I hope I’m not like either of my parents” - I mean I don’t blame her tbh

SHE CONSIDERED MA COSTA AND LEE SCORESBY TO BE BETTER PARENT FIGURES TO BE LIKE I’M CRYING

So Mrs Coulter is definitely planning some shit, like she didn’t seem that concerned when Boreal was talking about the Spectres, and like obviously I know what happens but I’ve always been intrigued as to why the Spectres listen to her instead of just attacking her. Also is it something to do with her dæmon? Like if they ARE separated in some way, maybe the Spectres don’t feed on her because it’s Dust or something? (Idk if that makes any sense)

“Deceive the guardian... okay... okay...” honestly same XD

Mary pretending to be Mrs Coulter to get past the guard is such a brilliant idea, like she just ran with it immediately, we have to stan a Queen who keeps a calm head

SHE WENT THROUGH THE WINDOW AND INTO THE CITY AAAAHHHH

The angels said they’d protect her, right? So she doesn’t need to fear the Spectres I’m assuming (I need to assume or I’ll worry)

The promo for next week was literally half what we saw THIS week and half Lee/John Parry footage I’m assuming is next week... ?

The fact there’s only two episodes left makes me so sad :( I have no idea what I’ll do waiting for the final series - and I’m assuming it’ll be delayed maybe because of Covid. Plus I’m hoping we get the extra episode NEXT series, the one that was Asriel-centred and supposed to be in this one but wasn’t filmed because of Coronavirus, so fingers crossed! 🤞

[toxictrannyfreak]

So, now that we are literally three hours from the eighth episode of Wandavision, I have decide that now is the perfect time to post this theory that I’ve had since episode seven came out. If it’s disproved in a few hours (which it likely will be) it’ll have been fun to post and come up with it, but if it is canon y’all will never hear the end of it.

Agatha’s plan

In episode seven of Wandavision, we get the “reveal” that Agnes is actually Agatha Harkness, a witch from the comics, which surprised absolutely no one. She’s been manipulating Wanda and controlling everything since episode one. Now, a lot of people posted theories and videos and stuff about this (almost all of it is just vindicated fans saying “I totally predicted it!”) but I haven’t heard a lot about what Agatha’s actual plan is, beyond wanting Wanda to have Tommy and Billy for some evil purpose. But I think I’ve figured it out. I think Agatha is trying to recreate the Infinity Stones.

Now, that seems pretty wild and out of nowhere, so let’s break it down. Agatha herself clearly has powers on the level of Wanda, which means that her powers also have to come from an Infinity Stone. It’s pretty obvious Agatha’s powers come from the Power Stone. The color of magic always correlates to the Infinity Stone it’s related to, like Wanda’s reality magic being the same color as the Reality Stone, and Doctor Strange’s time magic being green, since it comes from the Time Stone, so it’s obvious that Agatha’s dark purple magic comes from the Power Stone. That’s cool and all, but Agatha’s magic coming from the power stone doesn’t exactly mean she wants to recreate the Infinity Stones, and even if it did, it wouldn’t give her any way to actually recreate them, right? I think it kind of does, but probably not in the way you’re thinking. 

In Infinity War, Wanda destroys the Mind Stone, (Or, probably she just reduces it to atoms like Thanos did in Endgame, because the multiverse would, like, implode or something, without it.) implying that she, or another Infinity Stone-powered being like Agatha, could reconstruct the stones from their atoms, but, like any good philosophy book will tell you, it is far easier to destroy than create, meaning that Agatha had to figure out some way to bring the stones back, and she couldn’t do it by herself. So, what did she do? I think she initially tried to get Wanda to recreate the Infinity Stones in the the regular MCU reality, but she and Wanda combined only have the power of the Reality and Power Stones, and that’s not enough. So she manipulated Wanda into stealing Vision’s body, and creating a reality where outside forces, like the rest of the Avengers, couldn’t intervene. But even with the powers of  three Infinity Stones, that won’t bring back all of them, so she tried to get Wanda to bring back Pietro, who had Space Stone powers. But she saw pretty quickly that Wanda didn’t have the control to bring him back, so she attempted to bring an a Pietro from another reality. Again, however, that didn’t work, because she brought back x-men Pietro, whose powers were natural, and had no connection to the Space Stone. That’s where Monica comes in. Monica initially came in by accident, getting sucked through the Hex in episode four. Agatha was fine with her being there, unaware and controlled by Wanda(?), but then she tried to get Wanda to snap back to reality, mentioning that Pietro was killed by Ultron, and Agatha controlled Wanda to yeet her out of there. Then, after Pietro went wrong, Agatha was trying to think of a way to get some other Space Stone-powered being into Westview, but she probably couldn’t think of much, with Captain Marvel being the only currently living Space Stone-powered being in this universe, and the fact that she’s in space. So, Agatha realizes, that, using the Hex, she can create a new Space Stone-powered being in Monica. In a last-ditch effort to get Monica back in the Hex, she manipulates Vision into leaving it, forcing Wanda to expand it. It doesn’t go exactly as planned, but Monica gets through the Hex, gaining her powers, and gets into Westview. Then, Agatha separates Wanda and Monica, because she can’t have Monica convince Wanda to bring down the Hex before the last part of her plan falls into place. Doctor Strange. Now, there’s no one in the MCU that actually has the powers of the Time Stone, but Doctor Strange is the closest one to it, as he was naturally pretty good at using it, and he had it on him and used it quite a bit for a few years, and as the Sorcerer Supreme, he’s obviously gonna want to investigate the new reality that suddenly exists on Earth. So now Agatha has people who have the powers of the Infinity Stones all in one place, so she should be ready to bring them back, right? Except I haven’t talked about the Soul Stone yet. The most mysterious of the Infinity Stones, and the one that seems to break this theory. No one in the MCU has the powers of the Soul Stone-hell, we don’t even know what the Soul Stone’s powers are, and the one person that could technically kind of maybe have a connection to it is Gamora, who is dead and also in space. But I don’t think we need anyone connected to the Soul Stone, because the Soul Stone has already been re-formed. Now, I’ll admit that this is the weakest part of my theory, as I don’t know who could’ve reformed the Soul Stone (Mephisto? Red Skull?), but in Agatha’s creepy basement-dungeon thing, we see this: A book glowing with orange magic a similar color to the Soul Stone.

[Image ID: A scene from Wandavision episode seven, a close-up image of a metal-covered book sitting on a shelf. The book glows with orange magic. End ID]

Maybe I’m crazy, but the clues seem to be there. And who knows, maybe none of this makes sense. I am typing it at midnight, so who knows? 

[haikyuuwaifu]

Broken Promise

MASTERLIST

A/N: this is a little extra excerpt. PART VI: is open interpretation, but this is also how it could have ended

Thanks so much for reading it!

Warnings: Angst, alcohol intoxication, slight alcoholism

Genre: Fluff, Angst

EXTRA:

That day in the shop was a new beginning for you and Akaashi. Bokuto was so happy to see his old friend, that he started bringing him around more. You were older now and happily married to the man of your dreams. You and Akaashi both decided you could at least acknowledge the others presence. And acknowledge you did. 

Your families were ecstatic that you two were talking again after so long. Weekly dinners now included Akaashi and his family. It was almost like nothing had changed after all. Akaashi could almost pretend that everything was the same as before. When he showed up to your parents with a bouquet of roses he was sure things could return to normal, it would only take a little time. He knocked and waited patiently for you to greet him, only to be met  with the face of your husband's twin. He was surprised that Atsumu was there, and did a poor job concealing it. “Just because Samu closes the shop on Sunday’s, don’t mean I ain’t invited to family dinner.” Atsumu declared, eyeing him up and down.. “I am family afterall...she doesn’t like roses by the way...makes her skin breakout in hives.” he smirks, opening the door wider and leaving him out to let himself in. Akaashi leaves the flowers and steps inside sliding his shoes off. He can hear you talking to someone in the living room. Making his way inside he bows to your parents and then his own. Turning to greet you he sees you stroking your slight baby bump talking to Omi-omi about the differences in sanitization in a hospital versus a home birth. Atsumu sidles up to you, dropping a peck to your forehead before informing you that your husband would be along shortly. Akaashi takes note of the fact that both men sit on each side of you leaving no room for him to attempt a chance at one on one conversation. 

When dinner was plated and everyone was seated the front door opened and you heard your husband call out his greeting. You jumped to your feet shuffling to the entryway to greet him properly. “Evening princess, these...are for you.” he grins kissing you softly as he slides the lilies in your hands. You blush softly and thank him; tugging him into the dining room. “Sit down, ill make you a plate; Akaashi-san was just telling everyone about ideas for his next big book.” you say making your way to the kitchen to put the flowers in a vase. “I don’t have much left to say on the topic...was it busy at the shop today Miya-san?” Akaashi asked, changing the subject abruptly. That first dinner and the many dinners following Akaashi had to sit and watch as you doted and loved a man that wasn’t him. He watched as your belly grew and you glowed with your pregnancy. Watching this man live the life that was meant for him did something to Akaashi. It made him feel things he didn’t think he would ever be capable of feeling. It was never a part of his plan afterall, and Akaashi always stuck with his plan.

If anyone had asked Akaashi when the drinking started, he would probably tell them it started the night of the dinner. On his way home, he had stopped by the closest liquor store and bought a bottle. He was never much of a drinker, but he couldn’t seem to get his mind to stop wandering. All he could think about was what it would have been like if he were your husband. What it would have felt like holding your hand over your growing belly. If the baby would look more like him or more like you. And everytime he saw you after that night, it was all he could think about. Instead of fixing his growing alcohol problem, he chose to hide it. Akaashi had always been good at hiding his emotions. He managed to fool you into thinking Michi wasn’t a threat after all, so no one ever suspected that he would sit at home and drink himself stupid after every interaction he had with you. They had no clue he would sit at home and stare at old pictures of the two of you. Thinking of what should have been. They had no idea that as your pregnancy continued on, all he could think about was him being the one you need. NOT the man that stole you away from him.

Around your eighth month Osamu had to take a business trip to scope out a potential location in Hokkaido. He didn’t want to leave you, but you knew it was important for him to go; so you helped pack and assured him that you would be perfectly fine. Bokuto and Akaashi met up at the front of the shop for lunch to see you closing. “Why are you closing so early [name]-chan?” Bokuto asked, confused. You laughed softly, “Osamu is out of town for the next couple days, so I shut everything down until he comes back…he doesn’t want me working too much now that I’m close.” you answer by tugging the door to ensure it’s locked tightly. “You can grab lunch with me and Akaashi!” Bokuto shouts excitedly tugging at your arm. “I would love to go Bo-chan, but I have to go meet up with my mom for my appointment.” you chide taking your hand and placing it down to your side. “We’ll walk you to the station.” Akaashi states, “It wouldn’t do good for a woman in your condition to roam around on your own.” You simply nodded and started waddling in the direction of the train station. Akaashi could only watch you plan unfolding in the back of his mind.

That evening you had fallen asleep on the couch almost immediately after facetiming your husband. It had been a long day for you following the doctor’s appointment. Sleeping soundly you didn’t hear the first few knocks on your door. The light knocking turned to harsh banging that startled you awake. Flipping the entry-way light on you made your way to the door bleary eyed swiftly tugging it open. What you did not expect was a severely drunk Akaashi hunched over your front stoop. “Akaashi-san…what are you doing here, it’s…it’s 1 in the morning?” you asked slightly pissed off. “Don’t..Don’t call me Akaashi-san”he mumbled swaying on his feet. “You always…I’ve always been..Kaashi-chan!” he continued trying to steady himself as he stepped up the stoop. “You should…you should be my wife…and that should be my baby!” the further up he got the louder he got. You took a step back into the entryway. “It doesn’t work that way Akaashi-san…we aren’t the same kids we were back then.” you chided softly, eyeing him to make sure he didn’t move any further. He stopped swaying to tilt his head and squint at you. “You should leave him.” he whispered harshly. “I could take better care of you.”he snapped his fingers. “When you have the babies, you can leave and we’ll run away together!” he swings his arms giddily excitement building at his grand idea. “I can’t do that Akaashi-san…I love Samu…he’s everything to me, and I love these babies.” you say softly stroking your protruding belly. “Why would you possibly think I could abandon them?” you asked looking straight at him now. “For us, and our future!”he states getting down on his knees. “You promised you’d love me forever, you promise me forever [name]” he sniffles hands clutching the end of your robe. You stand there wiping your tears as you try to step back. He tugs harder pulling you closer. You grab his wrist and he pulls himself up crushing his lips to yours. You open your palms and try to push him off you; but he pulls you tighter. The pressure on your lips makes you nauseous. And suddenly it’s gone. You open your eyes to find Akaashi on his back at the bottom of the stoop and Atsumu standing in front of you. With relief you drop to your knees sobs wracking through your body.

That night was the last time you saw Akaashi. Atsumu called Omi-omi to sit with you while he and Bokuto escorted him home. Bokuto stayed the night to make sure he was alright, and the next morning he told Akaashi he couldn’t be friends with him anymore. After everything he did to [name] he couldn’t. “You told her she promised to love you forever…but you stopped loving her first Akaashi…you broke your promise.” Bokuto stated walking out of the apartment. 

Weeks later Akaashi could be found sitting outside a cafe in sunny California. He wrote his parents a letter apologizing for the abruptness of his leaving; but he needed a fresh start. He needed a place that would hold reminders of you.  With an iced coffee and his open laptop he began to write. This would be the sequel to his best seller. He would lay it all out and pen down what really happened all those years ago. The title of his new sequel…

~Broken Promise~

A year later you came home from a photo shoot to a box on the counter. “What’s in the box babe?” you asked Osamu scanning the top for a label. He shrugged, “I’m not sure princess, a delivery man dropped it off at the shop earlier today.”he answered. As you opened the box you discussed your days and how the kids did at daycare. “They’re books, but I don’t recall ordering any.” you read the title and the author. A memory digging at the back of your brain you can’t seem to recall. The next day was your one day off. You dropped the boys off at daycare and swung by the coffee shop for a latte. Sitting in the comfort of your home you opened the first book and started reading. For the rest of the day you read the first and then the second. Closing the second book your breathing became uneven. You heaved once….twice…and finally your body started shaking as tears poured out. You pulled your knees to your chest as sobs wracked through you. Your mind falling back to the memories that started at seven and ended a year ago. You sat and you cried. You cried for the 7 year olds that made the first pinky promise. You cried for the 13 year olds that confessed their love. You cried for the 18 year olds that would never know what the future could have been. You laid yourself down and you cried, for the friend you lost and the life you could have had. And when your husband came home to you crying; he simply pulled you to his chest and let you continue to cry. Stroking your hair he whispered softly that it was okay. That it was bound to happen. And he proceeded to tell you all about the girl he saw crying in the middle of the park. How she was so strong to him and so beautiful. He continued to whisper little anecdotes from your lives together. Reminding you that he loved you and that he would never let you go. As you cried in your husband’s arms you knew that everything would be okay. You sent a silent thank you to your old friend for finally giving you the closure that you needed.

Thanks for test-reading for me <3 @dabilove27

@k-eijiakaashi the closure you asked for hopefully :3

[sheerfreesia007]

Fallin’ All In You (Pt. 66)

Title: Fallin’ All In You (Pt. 66)

Pairing: Agent Whiskey x Reader

Author: @sheerfreesia007

Words: 2,712

Warnings: Description of labor, cursing, misogynistic asshole 

Tags: @synystersilenceinblacknwhite, @two-unbeatable-beaters​, @randomness501, @sevvysaurus, @paryl, @talesfromtheguild, @secretsihideinside, @agingerindenial, @mrschiltoncat

Permanent Tag List: @paintballkid711, @fioccodineveautunnale, @phoenixhalliwell

Author Notes: So this was pretty much my labor and birth with a few details removed. Also that asshole agent, yeah I dealt with that also while pregnant at work and woo boy did I rip the coworker another asshole for that comment. I hope you enjoy this chapter I think it’s in my top 5 of proudest chapters to write. Feedback is always welcome!

Gif Credit: Google

“So does Agent Whiskey have everything ready to go for when you need to go to the hospital?” Shane asked as you moved about the large work table in the lab. You laughed with a knowing tone to it making most of the lab techs in the room look up to you.

         “That sounds slightly ominous.” Leah quips from next to you and your snort in delight.

         “The man is over prepared if anything.” you say with a soft smile as you thought back to the day that Jack began preparing for D-day. “I’ve got two go bags packed, one stored here at the lab and the other right next to our front door. He’s mapped out all routes to the hospital. Which ones are the quickest from both work and home.” you explained easily with a warm smile on your face. Your hand rubbed softly at your swollen belly as you felt the little one kick the side of your stomach. “He’s nervous and this helps him so I kinda just let him be but I think it’s a little overkill. But I’m grateful he did it because I have no energy to spare.” 

         You laugh as you look up and see multiple lab techs all staring at you shocked. Shrugging your shoulders you continue to move about the room looking over their work. Your hand falls down to your rounded stomach again and you furrow your eyebrows  as you feel a weird pressure at the top of your stomach.

         “Everything ok?” Leah asked softly as she moved closer to you. You looked up to see her look of concern and you nodded your head.

         “Baby might just be in a weird position. Got a weird pressure up top.” you said absentmindedly as you continued to rub where the pressure sat.

         Just then the doors to the lab slid open with a whoosh and you looked up expecting to see Jack come waltzing in like he normally did at any time he could get away from the office. But it wasn’t Jack, it was a new agent that you had yet to meet. “Hi there! Can I help you with something?” you greeted politely as you moved closer to the new agent.

         He looked over at you as he moved further into your with a cocky swagger in his step. He was young looking, dark black hair sat neatly combed back on his head, gray eyes that reminded you of cool steel stared at you appreciatively before they slid to spy your rounded stomach and his lips curled up slightly in a sneer.

         “I’m looking for Agent Curacao. I was told that he would be able to help me with my malfunctioning taser.” he said with a tone that rankled your nerves. Staring at him shrewdly you lifted your head proudly gaining confidence.

         “I am Agent Curacao. How can I help you, agent?” you asked with a slight chill in your voice. Out of the corner of your eye you could see Shane and Leah moving closer and some of the other lab techs watching the agent silently. The agent before you stared at you with wide eyes when he realized that you were the agent he needed to speak with.

         “Sorry, I thought you were a man.” he said stiffly and you shook your head at him.

         “Let me see the taser agent so I can see what needs to be fixed.” you instructed easily. Leah moved over some tools and projects that were lying on the work table to be able to give you some room as the agent handed over his taser to you.

         Sliding your goggles over your eyes you quickly began dismantling the taser outer shell so that you could see what was going on on the inside. You felt Leah stick close to you as Shane was stationed across the work table from you and the agent moved over to your other side.

         “My last mission I think I smashed it on something and now it no longer works.” the agent explained. You nodded your head not really caring or paying attention to his explanation as you began working. Every few moments one of your hands would rub against the top of your stomach absentmindedly since the odd pressure was still present. It wasn’t anything painful, just an odd fluttering pressure that would ghost across the top of your belly. “How far along are you?” asked the agent suddenly and your head whipped over to him.

         “Sorry?” you asked confused, you had almost forgotten he was here as you worked quickly identifying the problem with the taser.

         “How far along are you?” he asked again.

         “Oh I’m in my eighth month. Delivery date is at least a week away.” you said distracted as you moved some wires and reconnected the one that had come detached.

         “Are you going to give birth naturally? Or use drugs to help you along?” he asked with a haughty tone and your eyebrows furrowed in annoyance.

         “What I decide to do for me and my child is none of your business.” you state out of the side of your mouth, your hand cupping your belly as if to protect your little one from the wet behind the ears know it all next to you.

         “You know real women give birth naturally and don’t have c sections.” he stated condescendingly. You had never moved so quickly while pregnant as you stood to your full height and turned to the agent with an angry sneer distorting your face. The lab had grown silent as all eyes turned to you in your pregnant fury.

         “I’m sorry, are you a doctor?” you asked viciously in a hiss. The agent stared at you silently and his eyes raked over you disdainfully.

         “No but-” he began to respond.

         “Then your opinion on whether or not a woman can give birth naturally or not is no consequence to anyone in this room. Especially me.” you said heatedly as you glared at the young man. “Not only is it not something that anyone can actually control. But it shouldn’t be something that a woman is looked down on for if she chooses to give birth by c section or if she’s unable to give birth naturally. The fact that your tiny little mind focuses more on whether or not a woman is real based on how she gives birth speaks more about your ignorance and your douchebag attitude than anything about women.” you hissed at him like an angry snake as your eyes shot flames at him. “Now, get out of my lab.” you sneered at him.

         The agent stood there with his mouth hanging open before he snapped it shut and stalked out of the lab. Leah moved closer to you and placed a hand on your shoulder as you sucked in air trying to calm yourself down.

         “That was amazing!” Shane said in awe. “Terrifying but amazing!” You laughed softly and shook your head at him. Just as you were turning back to the taser on the work table you felt a warmth start to seep into your jeans. Looking down you saw the rather large wet spot on your crotch.

         “Oh my god!” Leah gasped out when she noticed where you were looking and looked down as well. “Shane go call Agent Whiskey, her water just broke!” Leah instructed quickly and began to usher you towards your office. “Where’s your go bag?” she asked once she had gotten you into the office and shut the door. 

         You opened your mouth to respond when suddenly you were slammed with a rather large contraction and you stumbled to grip the back of one of the chairs in your office. Sucking in a breath and slowly letting it out you pointed over to your desk where the bag laid underneath it. Leah quickly reached into it and pulled out a pair of underwear and yoga pants for you to change into. “Here, hold onto me while you get these on.” she said easily as she stood in front of you.

         With her help you were able to remove your wet jeans and underwear and slip on the clean clothes easily. She already had the duffle bag slung over her shoulder when the two of you heard the lab doors whooshing open again and Jack calling your name.

         “Darlin’, are you alright?” he asked as soon as he walked into your office. You gritted your teeth as another contraction hit you and you sucked in and breathed out slowly. The contractions weren’t as bad as you had thought they would be since they were spaced out a bit.

         “I’m fine. My waters broke and I’ve started contractions. We have to go to the hospital.” you instructed him warmly to him. He took Leah’s place in front of you and cupped your face gently. “It’s time Jack.” you said softly and watched as a blinding smile burst onto his face and his eyes started to sparkle with unshed tears.

         “Alright, let’s get you to the hospital.” he said warmly.

           The car ride had been hell for you. The contractions had seemed to have sped up rather quickly while you were in the car. And while Jack was driving he kept asking you how far apart the contractions were, your mind had gone blank in the face of the painful contractions that seemed to be back to back now and had growled at him that you didn’t really care right now how far apart they were he just needed to get you there.

         Once the two of you had gotten to the hospital you had been quickly ushered into the maternity triage area, since you had already registered with the hospital beforehand, where there were quite a few pregnant women sitting and standing around the room waiting to be taken to a room. And while you were breathing through your contractions and the nurse was taking your vitals and asking you questions about what level your pain was. Jack was trying to soothe you as much as he could by rubbing your back softly and giving you as much as space as you needed. The nurse realized that you were further along in labor than they had expected and had quickly walked you over to a room and other nurses had helped you up onto the stretcher after you had changed into a hospital gown.

         One of the many maternity unit doctors that you had been seeing had come in and done their own check before you were wheeled up to your laboring room. You had lost sight of Jack on the way through the hallways as you rolled around on the bed moaning softly at the pain you were feeling. But once they had wheeled you into the elevator he was right there by your side and you held out your hand for him which he held tightly in his own.

         After you had been wheeled into your own room you were bombarded with nurses coming in and greeting you letting you know that they would help you along this birthing process. Jack came to sit in the chair at the side of your bed when suddenly there was a loud scream coming from another room. You sucked in a breath and blew it out as another contraction hit you and you groaned softly feeling the pain coursing through you.

         “Why is that woman screaming?” you asked one of the nurses as they set up an IV in your arm. The nurse turned to you and smiled reassuringly at you.

         “She didn’t want an epidural.” the nurse responded. You could feel your eyes go wide and you stared at her with your mouth open a little. “So we need to ask you, do you want an epidural sweetheart?” Nodding your head quickly as another contraction slammed into you, you moaned lowly.

         “Yes please.” you responded out of breath. Jack’s hand squeezed yours that he had taken and you looked over to him. He was smiling widely at you and brushed back a strand of hair away from your face. “I’m sorry.” you said softly and Jack shook his head at you.

         “It’s your body darlin’. You know your limits not me. Whatever you want I’ll make sure you get.” he said softly before leaning forward and pressing a sweet kiss to your forehead. “As long as you’re ok and happy that’s all that matters to me.” You smiled lovingly at him as you heard the nurse on your other side sigh and you chuckled.

         “Always the charmer.” you teased him before gritting your teeth in pain.

         “Only for you darlin’.” he teased back and you let out a breathy chuckle as you breathed out slowly.

           It had been hours since the last check in with the doctor. You had gotten your epidural and were only using it when the pain became too much for you to handle, you were quite worried about using it too much and had grown a little stubborn after the first injection. Jack had noticed that you were gritting your teeth more as the hours passed and the two of you had had a serious conversation that while you were grateful and happy you had gotten the epidural you didn’t want to become reliant on it. Jack had reassured you to do what was most comfortable for you so that you weren’t in too much pain.

         Finally it was the third check in with the doctor and while the baby had significantly dropped into your birth canal you were dilated just under where the doctor was comfortable the baby had slowed their progress. So as the doctor was checking you she told you that she was concerned because every time she had checked on the baby the baby’s heart would decelerate. So once she was done checking she came to your head and began speaking to you about doing an emergency c section. She didn’t think anything was seriously wrong but the decelerated heart rate of the baby made her pause.

         “Whatever is best for the baby.” you stated firmly. “I’m fine with going through a c section as long as the baby comes out healthy.” Jack held your hand and nodded along with you, you could feel his hand clenching yours slightly with nerves but you squeezed back reassuring him.

         Once the confirmation for a c section was given the nurses came back in to prep you for the surgery. The anesthesiologist also came back in and stayed with you as they began moving your stretcher down to the surgery ward. While you laid there in the surgery room and they set everything up Jack was taken by the nurses so that he could get his own covering so he could sit by your head. 

         Surgery was odd and very emotional for you. While you were sufficiently numbed from the waist down you could still feel the pressure and the movements they made behind the curtain. But it didn’t take very long for you and Jack to hear the first cries from your little one as they were brought out into the world.

         “Congratulations Mom and Dad we’ve got a little baby girl!” called the doctor as she continued to work on you. One of the nurses came over to show the little baby girl to you and Jack and placed her on your chest. Tears were streaming down your face as you gazed at the screaming little thing with a full head of dark hair. You let out a watery chuckle as you placed a soft kiss to her forehead before the nurse brought her over to the side of the room and suggested Jack to follow while she cleaned the baby up and got her vitals and weight.

         “So do we have a name for the little screamer?” you heard the nurse ask as Jack watched over her swaddling the baby girl.

         “Emma Layne Daniels.” Jack said rather proudly as he watched his little girl be bundled up.

         “That’s a beautiful name for such a little sweetheart.” the nurse responded and you smiled brightly over at Jack who watched you with adoring eyes. 

[ndragoon]

Seems like it's one of those nights.

I don't know. It feels like I need to get so much out of my head, but every time I try to put any of it into words it just ends up as some rambling word salad. None of it makes sense, or else it is just something I've probably said here a hundred times already.

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate how I feel like I must have done something horribly, unspeakably awful to deserve a punishment like this.

My brain doesn't work. I can't think, I can't remember, sometimes I just can't think anymore and my brain needs to do a full reset before it can start doing anything again. Typing, speaking, walking, you name it. I'll just stop in the middle, stare off into space, and then need to take a moment to reorient myself and hope that I can find out what I was saying or doing so I don't look like a massive idiot.

My thoughts feel like a bunch of clashing gears all struggling to keep the mechanism going. Sometimes they manage to coordinate enough to get something done, but it feels more like sheer coincidence rather than actual intention. It feels like if I can't do something on mindless autopilot, then it requires 150% of my maximum brainpower while I can only run at a strict maximum of 40%.

Memories, but especially names, escape me. Not just people names, but names of objects, places, and whatever else. I need to describe them or their use. It's difficult to talk to people about my special interests without making a complete fool of myself, because I can tell you the underlying mechanics and storyline, but then I have to describe items, cards, gems, weapons, characters, places, you name it. It makes me feel like a failure because others with special interests can tell you every single detail of every single thing using all the names and they can just recite them like an actor would for a play.

I need to stress the memory part more because I used to practically have an eidetic memory for some things, like how I could draw maps of places after only being there once (assuming it wasn't some kind of sprawling complex where every single room and hallway and nearly identical). Now, it's just a fog or a haze and I can only remember things roughly at best for places I've been multiple times.

It feels like having gripes about my appearance are so...superficial? Shallow? It feels like I'm supposed to like myself and every bit of my exterior unconditionally, and wishing anything was different is just something that people who only care about their appearance are supposed to do.

I don't mind my gut, surprisingly. It's smooth and round and doesn't have all the folds and rolls that some lighter but bigger people have that I dislike the look of.

I do dislike how thin and sparse my body hair is. I do have some traces on my thighs, belly, forearms, underarms, and my pubes - though they are all so thin and sparse you have to actually look for it because it barely counts as hair. I do have a single tuft in the middle of my chest, though, for whatever reason. It's the thickest, darkest patch of hair anywhere.

The only traces of facial hair I have is a thin line of hair on my upper lip, 5 tiny and short hairs right below the middle of my bottom lip, and a bunch of thick, wiry, and obvious hairs on the area between my chin and neck. It's a patch the size of my palm and stays consistent.

One of the things I envy about most other overweight men is the fact that their penis is external all the time. Even flaccid, it just dangles there for all to see or to play with. Meanwhile, even when I'm hard mine stays hidden. It was small from birth, stayed small through puberty, and got even smaller for whatever reason since then.

I hate saying anything about it because just mentioning it comes across as your typical "shallow male complaint" of "I wish my dick was bigger, 7 inches is too small". But I can't top because of it, and nobody wants to touch it because they all expect something much larger.

Recently, I've been dealing with one of those infamous anal fissures. They are so dang painful and perpetually bleed so much. It just adds to the strictures (basically scar tissue on the sphincter) my doctor said I had, and looking them up just told me that I basically either take a few years to manually stretch things out to get at least some stretchiness back, or forsake doing things back there entirely. I'm more inclined to just forsaking things entirely since just going to the bathroom after taking my meds for a few days was enough to cause a tear.

And this part is less shallow.

I was doing some thinking, because even though it is difficult to recognize and point things out as they happen, sometimes you can realize it after the fact. My exhaustion and easy fatigue have been around for a while. Putting it lightly, of course. I had realized I showed signs for years now, albeit nowhere near as bad as now.

Giving a bj to my fourth ex, G, was difficult because even though I greatly enjoyed it, my jaw started to hurt and ache so incredibly quickly. We chalked it up to inexperience and I tried to practice, but never got another chance to try with him. When I got to my eighth, J, I was having the same issues. Except I also had issues with my hands, where my arms would ache and become incredibly weak to the point of uselessness before I could get him to climax. No matter how many times I tried, I never got or felt any better and it was a point of frustration to him. Even though he never reciprocated (except for once, but that was a nightmare) I don't blame him for feeling that way, I'm frustrated with myself because I get that way just taking care of my own thing. Plus, even just eating is enough to make my jaw ache and feel swollen anymore.

And another thing is the whole vacation bit I mentioned in another post. When I was working, I always thought that it felt like I'd go to sleep at the end of the day, and instead of being fully rested my batter would only be at 99%. And then the next day it would only be at 98%. It wasn't always a literal day between, but that's how it felt. Taking a week long break didn't make me feel any better, I felt like I was at a permanent 75% regardless of how much sleep I got during that week. Even talking to a buddy, he told me that staying awake for two days and then sleeping at a normal time makes you feel like a god, but it just made me feel even more tired and worn out.

But now, I feel like I'm at a permanent 25%. All it takes is anything more than just one quick trip to the local small store to wipe me out for the whole day. If I spend a day with friends (don't bark at me, only two of them work, one is tested almost daily and the other refuses contact because of the high risk of their job, the rest stay at home all day) then I come home feeling like I just ran a marathon and need to sleep. Taking a walk around the grocery store takes me out for the rest of the day.

And I just...I don't know. None of the docs are willing to cooperate because I don't spend an hour a day exercising, because I have this junk food diet that they assigned me upon first sight, because I'm not working.

I'm socially dead because I'm not working. Every time I talk to someone, it's about where I'm working, what job I moved to, what I'm doing now that I'm not still stocking shelves. If I say my health declined and I'm trying for disability, they always just give me this look like I'm just one of those lazy kids who want to work the system and that's that.

My head is just so cloudy and it's getting difficult to think. So I think I'm done writing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting this. It's already a massive essay that nobody reads, but at least I have a written record, albeit anonymously, of how things went down so at least someone can see my body when it fails someday and know my history and what I went through up to this point. I don't want it to be a huge mystery to everyone just because my family discounts how I feel and try to pretend nothing is wrong.

[atths--twice]

Ahhh... here we are at another favorite of mine. I apologize in advance, but this one is a bit rough, as you may be able to tell by the gif. However, it is a pain that needs to be  dealt with and discussed. I hope you enjoy it. 

Chapter Seventeen 

Therapeutic Thanksgiving 

Scully has an appointment with Doctor Kosseff and they discuss many things that need to be brought to light. Guidance and care from her Mom also help to ease a broken heart. 

November 2015

To say that Scully enjoyed therapy with Doctor Kosseff would be somewhat misleading. She did like the feeling of the constant pressure inside her abating a bit when she left the office. She did not like the amount of crying she had done, the headaches she had suffered, and the past hurts that were dusted off and re-examined. It hurt so much sometimes, she wanted to leave and never come back.

Since bumping into her at the coffee shop in June, Scully had only seen Doctor Kosseff seven different times. Work got in the way, and while she knew her own self-care was important, she was pulled into cases, and unable to get away. Doctor Kosseff was understanding, and Scully repeatedly expressed her thanks.

Her first session was a train wreck. She broke down and cried for most of the hour. Doctor Kosseff remained silent and let her ramble and cry, her words tumbling over each other, not even sure what she was saying, only remembering the sobs. As Scully took the tissues handed to her, Doctor Kosseff smiled and sighed before nodding at her.

Her next session was better. The conversation was more structured, and Doctor Kosseff insisted Scully call her Karen. Scully looked at her and tried to respond with some coherent explanation of why that seemed wrong, but she was unable to do anything but nod.

“We may not have seen each other in a while, Dana,” Karen said with a smile. “But we go way back, and that counts for something.” She smiled, and again Scully felt tears in her eyes.

The fourth session though, that one was rough. Crying seemed to be a normal occurrence as soon as she sat on the couch in the office, but that day was worse, as if something was infecting her and causing her to behave unlike herself. Choking on her tears she began to cry out her worries for Mulder.

“I know he’s a grown man, and more than capable of caring for himself, but I’m worried about him. Is he sleeping? Taking his medication? He said he’s seeing a therapist and he’s sending emails, but how is he really? I miss him so much,” she whispered wiping at her eyes. “It’s like I’ve lost part of myself.”

Karen handed her the tissues and Scully laughed bitterly, dabbing her eyes and blowing her nose. “I’m an independent woman, I’ve always prided myself on that, but … I need him, and all these years later, it terrifies me,” she said looking at Karen and shaking her head. Karen smiled and waited for her to continue, but no words were forthcoming.

“Does it terrify you because you don’t want to live without him or you’re worried you don’t know how?” Karen asked quietly.

Scully shook her head, wiping at her eyes again. “It isn’t that. I know I can live without him, and no I don’t want to live without him. I want to be with him. But what terrifies me are the lengths I will go to, to do so. Two years I stayed and felt like I was drowning at times, but I stayed because … I love him. I know him and I felt that if I could have just done more, I could have helped. If I had seen it earlier or demanded differently …” She shook her head, tears falling again. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose, taking deep breaths to calm down.

“Dana, I know you feel this is your fault, that you could have stopped it from happening,” Karen said in her soft calm voice. “But could you have done anything? Really done anything? As you say, you know Fox better than anyone. Could you have changed him or done anything to fix the situation at the time?”

Scully stared at her and wanted to say of course she could, she should have done something. This was her fault. She was the one who left. Karen’s eyes had stopped her from speaking and forced her to look down, the openness she saw in them too much for her at that moment.

“Dana, I’d like you to do something for me when you leave here today,” Karen said kindly, writing something on her notepad. “When you leave, I want you to think of the times when you think saying something or fighting with Fox would have changed the outcome of where you are now. I’d like you to do that before our next meeting.”

Scully sat at home that night, writing out all the times she could think of when Mulder had not come to bed, had pushed her past the point of anger, when he had stayed closed up in his office and shut her out. There were many instances, and seeing them there in black and white hurt in a different way than before.

She ticked off each one as she imagined a different outcome, a way it would have changed if she had barged in the office, turned off the WiFi, or demanded he sit down and listen to her. None of those times would have resulted in a change. She knew that, but she had needed to see it laid out before her to understand it completely. She shook her head as she cried, knowing once again that this, being apart, was the only decision that was right, even if it made her heart ache.

She sat back in her chair and closed her eyes. She knew it was not within her ability to change the outcome, but she had taken it upon herself and that was not fair. They were both to blame, as they had not communicated how they felt. God, they were so bad at it sometimes. Both of them held back and yet expected the other to be forthcoming. After so many years together, it would seem they would have this shit figured out, but no. Jesus Christ …

Knowing what the problem was, she felt that going back to see Karen would not help. She needed to talk to Mulder, but right now that was not going to happen. Time was all she needed, she thought with a sigh and a shake of her head.

On the agreed upon appointment time though, she was there, waiting to speak to Karen and working on moving forward. They discussed Mulder again, the outcomes she knew she could not change, and then Karen brought up the medication Scully had prescribed for him. Not until Karen pointed it out to her did Scully consider the extent of the side effects he could have been suffering. The lack of sex drive, or ability to even have sex, had not been something that was in the forefront of thought when she had gotten him the medication.

Again, she left the office not wanting to go back, her embarrassment and anger at herself simmering at the surface. Angry that she had not seen the forest for the trees, focusing on one area and missing the rest. She wanted to help his depression and other aspects were a second thought. She paced around her apartment, wanting to call Mulder, and apologize for her own neglect when it came to his care.

Thinking back to the fact that they had still been having sex, up to a certain point, it meant he must have forgone his medication. Her anger and confusion with him made sense now that she figured he was not remaining steady with taking his pills. She failed him, again. Curling up in bed, she apologized to him repeatedly, wishing he could hear her.

That was a couple of weeks ago and today, the day before Thanksgiving, she was ready to start her eighth session, finally feeling a bit more comfortable.

“Dana,” Karen said, smiling at her as she came into the waiting room, shaking Scully’s hand as she always did before ushering her into the office. “How are you?”

“Fine. I’m good. Work is busy, as I’m sure yours is at this time of year. Everyone seems to have more problems around the holidays,” Scully said with a small laugh. Karen smiled and nodded.

“Yes, it’s usually busy this time of year. Do you have holiday plans?”

“I’m spending it with my mother this year. Actually heading there after our session,” Scully said and Karen nodded with a smile.

“How are other things? Have you spoken to Fox? Or kept to the emails and texts between you?” Karen asked with a glance at Scully.

“Just the emails and texts. Though it’s been further between them at times.”

Karen smiled at her and made some notes before she looked up again. She exhaled and kept eye contact with Scully, gauging her, it seemed. Scully shifted in her seat and took a deep breath. She licked her lips and closed her eyes before looking up at Karen, knowing this was going to hurt.

“I had a dream last night. About William,” she said quietly. Karen nodded, having heard about him before, and Scully closed her eyes again. “We were walking down the street, and I could feel his hand in mine. It was so small, I could feel all the bones as I ran my thumb across the top of his hand. Then it was bigger and he was there but pulled away from me. I tried to reach for him, to grab for his fingers, but I couldn’t find him. I woke up crying, trying to grab for something that wasn’t there.” She opened her eyes, tears welling inside them before they spilled over, and she wiped them away.

“It’s been fourteen years and I know ... I know that he’s ... he has a family, parents who love him and care for him,” Scully said quietly, tears flowing freely from her eyes. “I have to hope he is okay, anyway. My head knows that, but my heart is not always so accommodating. I still can’t help but wonder ... or worry if he has ever remembered me and I wasn’t there. Did he cry for me those first few nights after he left? Did they know he liked to be sung to and rocked a certain way? Was he ... was he happy? I know, as a doctor and as a scientist, that he would have no memories of me, he was too young. But ... what if … what if he woke up not knowing why he was dreaming of someone he didn’t know, but he felt scared and alone?”

She stopped talking and sobbed into her hands, thinking of William, and the weight of him in her arms. She remembered how she would hold him and breathe in his baby smell, the happiness of finally being a mother had been so overwhelming. His rosy cheeks and soft downy head were the most beautiful things she had ever seen.

Letting him go, knowing it was for his protection, was the hardest decision she ever had to make, and she did it alone. Mulder did not even get a chance to weigh in and voice his opinion or the possibility of a different plan. She had agonized, cried, and screamed over the decision she made. It was she who crumbled to the ground when William was taken from her, her heart that shattered when her baby, the only one she would ever have, was given a better chance of survival away from her. It was she and her mother who clung to one another in the days after he was gone. No Mulder to mourn with her, hold her, or simply grab them both and run, never looking back.

Her sobs began to subside, although not by much. She felt the box of tissues being softly placed on her lap and it caused her to cry more. Taking one from the box, she dabbed at her eyes and wiped her face, then took some deep breaths. She still cried, but her loud and aching sobs had seemed to slow. She blew her nose and took more tissues out to again wipe her face. Keeping her head bowed, she simply sat and waited.

“Dana,” Karen said barely above a whisper. “What does Fox say when you discuss these feelings with him?” Scully shook her head, unable to speak. “Do you not discuss William? Or how you felt during that time of your life?”

Taking a shuddering breath, Scully shook her head again. “It ... it’s sort of an unwritten understanding, so to speak. We ... we talk about William in a roundabout way, but rarely directly, if at all. It hurts to talk about it, and I don’t want to cause Mulder that hurt.”

“Fox?” Karen asked, her tone sharper than Scully had ever heard it. She raised her head and looked at her, finding her face serious and somewhat hard. “Why is your worry for him, when you are affected this way?”

“He wasn’t there. It wasn’t his choice and ... and he ... he missed everything. I took that away from him, his chance at fatherhood. If ... if we talk about what we could have done or how it may have been, it would dredge up too much ... and,” Scully said, shaking her head, remembering the times they had gotten close to having the talk and the look on Mulder’s face. The pain she saw, the anguish. She hated seeing him that way, and eventually not discussing it had been easier.

“Dana, sometimes the only way to move forward is to dump out the past and wade through it. Yes, it may most definitely be painful, but leaving it tucked away and hidden ...” Karen shook her head and looked at Scully. “Keep it hidden, and it festers and rots. It becomes a poison inside that strangles you and stunts your growth. Don’t let this continue to be a poison in your life.”

_____________________

Scully left the office a while later, and walked to her car, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to lay down and sleep. She got in and sat down, closing and locking the door before leaning her head against the headrest, closing her eyes, and sighing.

Exhausted, no, it was not the right word to describe how she felt. She felt boneless like her body was a heavy pile of goo, and it would remain that way forever. Everything ached and she thought never leaving the car sounded like a wonderful idea. She leaned forward and put her head on the steering wheel, her eyes still closed.

You can’t stay here, Dana. You need to get moving, she thought. Heaving a huge sigh, she turned on the car and begin the drive to her mother’s house. She was looking forward to staying with her for the holiday weekend. Some time off work, catching up with her mom, and seeing some old friends sounded wonderful. Right now though, she simply wanted to crawl in bed and sleep for the rest of the day.

Pulling into her mother’s driveway, she sat for a few minutes, collecting her strength, waiting for her body to become less goo-like. Taking a breath, she opened the door, took her overnight bag out of the backseat, and walked up to the front door. She used her key and called out to her mother she was there.

“Dana!” her mother said, coming out of the kitchen wearing an apron and wiping her hands on a dishtowel. “You’re early! I was thinking it would be a couple hours more before you got here.” She smiled at her and pulled her in for a tight hug.

“Hey, Mom,” Scully said, returning the hug and holding on longer than usual. Her mother looked her in the eyes as she put a hand to her face.

“Rough session?” her mother asked softly. Scully nodded and sighed. Her mother also sighed and brushed her thumb across Scully’s cheek. “Well, would mixing up ingredients for pies help you at all?” Scully laughed out a sob and nodded. Her mother patted her cheek and turned to head back to the kitchen. Scully set her bag down on the couch and followed her.

For the next couple of hours, they worked together, mixing and baking pies, cutting vegetables for the next day, and setting the table. Spending time with her mother helped her feel better, but she could feel tears threatening to fall at any time. When the last chore was finished, her mother put the kettle on, grabbed mugs and tea bags, and took off her apron.

Once the kettle whistled, and the tea was made, she reached for Scully’s hand, looking at her with her kind eyes. That was all it took for Scully’s tears to begin. She told her mother of the session that day, of her dream and the discussion that had followed. Sure she had cried herself dry, she was surprised by the amount of tears she still had left. Her mother kept her hand on hers and rubbed her arm.

Scully put her head on the table and her mother moved closer to stroke her hair and speak words of comfort. Scully cried and cried, letting her mother’s love and calmness wash over her. When she had no tears left, she sat trying to calm her sobs. Her mother rested her head against her and told her how much she loved her, how proud she was of her, making Scully cry again.

Her mother helped her to her feet and pulled her in for a hug. “Dana, I know how hard this is for you, how hard it was. I remember.” Scully held her tight and cried softly. “You just go ahead and cry, honey.”

They stood there for a few minutes before Scully pulled back and stared at her mother. Her soft hands were on her cheeks, wiping her tears as she had when past heartbreaks had felt so big. Those had been nothing compared to this pain, but the comfort she felt gave her strength.

Her mother gave her a small smile and grasped her hand, pulling her upstairs to the master bedroom. Scully stood by the bed and heard the water running in the tub. She closed her eyes and sat on the bed, waiting for her mother to come as she knew she would.

She felt a brush in her hair and she sighed, more tears slipping out, as her mother softly brushed her hair. Her shoes were slipped off, her sweater slipped over her head leaving her in her camisole, and then she was pulled to her feet. She opened her eyes as she walked to the bathroom and stood in front of the tub.

The scent of lavender bubble bath surrounded her as her mother walked away, allowing her some privacy. She undressed,  and stepped in, sinking into the deep tub, as she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

She lay in the tub, exhausted and boneless when she heard her mother’s quiet footfall. Without opening her eyes, she heard the water shut off, and then felt her mother come next to her. Her bare feet and legs came on other side of Scully in the tub, as she sat on the ledge behind her.

She began to massage Scully’s head as she hummed quietly. It was not a particular song, but it was comforting. After a few minutes, her mother put her hair up and rubbed her neck and shoulders. Scully felt her sadness lessening with each touch of her mother’s comforting hands.

Scully reached up and grabbed her mother’s hand. “Thank you, Mom,” she whispered. Her mother squeezed her hand and then extricated herself from the tub, kissing the top of Scully’s head before she left.

Opening her eyes a few minutes later, she saw that a towel and washcloth had been placed by the tub. She leaned forward and picked up the washcloth, washing her body, before relaxing for a few more minutes. Stepping out of the tub, she dried off and then wrapped the soft towel around her body.

Walking into her mother’s room, she saw her bag had been brought into the room and left on the bed. She smiled at the love and care her mother had shown as she took out her pajamas and underwear. She dressed and then hung up the towel as her mother came back in the bathroom. She smiled at Scully and motioned to the vanity.

Scully sat down and her mother stepped behind her, taking her hair down. Picking up her brush, she began to brush her hair again.

“That day, that last day,” her mother said quietly, the brush slowly stroking through Scully’s hair. “It was horrible, I will not deny that. My heart broke with yours, Dana. I know what that baby meant to you, to Fox. I know if you could have, you would have kept him with you.” Her mother paused as she took a breath and shook her head. “But I had been there, I saw the danger not only him but you were in with him there. You made the right choice, Dana. You did.”

Scully looked at her mother in the mirror and her eyes were sad, but she smiled at Scully. Her mother nodded and Scully breathed out a deep sigh, looking back down.

“It’s easier to see it clearly when it’s been so many years, I know that, but it was right, Dana,” her mother began to rub her head again, her short fingernails scratching at her scalp. “I ... I had a hard time with it after William and then you were gone. I was depressed and alone and worried ...”

“Mom?” Scully interrupted, her head snapping up and looking at her mother in the mirror. “You never ...”

“I never said ... no,” she said, looking back at Scully once again with her kind sad eyes. “I know what that decision meant to you. I know how hard it was for you to make. At the time it happened, I wasn’t going to add to your heartache. I was there with you to lessen your pain, Dana. Then Fox was on trial and your focus was understandably on his fate. You left, as you should have done, you were where you needed to be, but those of us left behind, we were left to wonder and carry on. Your friends, John and Monica, were there and they helped to pack up your place. Eventually, though, even they were gone.”

Scully sat frozen. Of course she knew that when they left there had been those behind picking up the slack, but her mind and concern had only been on her and Mulder’s safety. She had worried for her mother, hated how she had simply left her, and not had the chance to say goodbye. When every day they had to worry about being seen, possibly recognized, and what would happen if they were, worries for those at home took a backseat. Now, she was learning it had been worse than she thought for her mother.

“Mom,” she began, but her mother interrupted her.

“Dana, I’m not saying this to hurt you, I’m telling you I understand. I understand your pain. I’ve felt it, and it took me down for a little while. It was nothing you did, but the circumstances out of your hands. As much as it hurt and continues to do so, it was the right decision, Dana. I knew it then, but the sadness still swallowed me up as it did you today,” her mother said, looking in the mirror, her hands on Scully’s shoulders. “Let the sadness in, and then let it out. You did what you needed to protect him, you, and everyone around you. He is safe because of a sacrifice you made, a painful choice you made. He is safe, Dana.”

Scully’s eyes filled with tears again and she nodded her head. Her mother wrapped her arms around her and held her close, Scully placed her hands on top of her mother’s and held her to her.

Her mother kissed her cheek and they both let go of one another and smiled. Scully stood up and pulled her mother in for a hug, her mother whispering she loved her. Scully closed her eyes and held her tighter. When she stood back, her mother smiled at her and Scully smiled back, incredibly tired all of a sudden.

“Could ... could I sleep in your bed tonight?” she asked her mother hesitantly. She nodded with a smile and Scully turned to head to the bedroom.

She laid down and pulled the covers close around her, hearing her mother let the water out of the tub, and getting ready for bed. A few minutes later, the lights were turned off, and her mother laid down next to her. Scully reached for her hand and her mother held tight.

“I love you, Mom,” she whispered, as she squeezed her hand and took a deep breath.

“I love you too, Dana. So very much,” her mother whispered back, with a squeeze of her own.

Scully closed her eyes and let her tired body relax, seeking the sleep she so badly needed. Her heart and her mind had been lovingly cared for by her mother. Now she needed to find the same relief for her body. She squeezed her mother’s hand once more before sleep found her, drawing her in to bring her comfort.

[elisaphoenix13]

(FT) Detection

Peter crawls through the window FRIDAY opened for him and he drops down to the ground as his nanotech suit recedes back into its housing bracelet. The family floor was surprisingly quiet, and a quick look around confirmed that everyone was either out, in their own rooms, or on their own floors. Which was a rare occurrence. Someone was always doing something or other in the penthouse.

He decides to make himself a couple of sandwiches and raids the fridge to pull out the fixings and put them on the counter, and as he finishes making the first sandwich, the elevator door open and Tony steps off. Peter grumbles when his father walks over and snags the sandwich, and then opens the cabinet to grab a glass to get himself some water.

"You're welcome."

"Thanks for the sandwich Underoos." Tony says after taking a bite and Peter scrunches his nose.

"Okay, first of all, gross. You tell us not to talk with our mouths full so you should practice what you preach. Two, I'm twenty. Don't call me Underoos."

Tony raises an eyebrow at him. "Granted, I shouldn't be talking with my mouth full, but you also have a one year old that has puked on you multiple times so this shouldn't bother you...and I'll call you whatever I want. I'm your dad."

Peter ignores him and finishes making both sandwiches before biting into one. "Where is everybody?"

"He asks with a mouthful of food." Tony snarks and Peter grins. "Your brother is still in class, Diana is at school, and Mom took Cassie, Valerie, and Emma to the store."

"Please don't say they went to-"

"Target." Tony confirms and the younger groans. "They left shortly after you did for patrol."

"That doesn't mean anything. They can be there all day."

"At the most they'll be there until the Diana is out, which is…" Tony looks at his phone. "Five minutes ago."

Not even a moment later, a portal opens in the kitchen and Stephen steps through with the girls directly behind him. He and Cassie set some bags on the counter as Peter polishes off his first sandwich, and Diana retreats to the living room to do her homework. Valerie on the other hand, remains next to Stephen's leg, quietly holding the teddy bear that the sorcerer bought for Peter when he was turned into a baby for the third time. It was big, but it was also small enough that Valerie could still easily walk around with it. At least when she wasn't glued to someone's leg. Emma was more outgoing than her three year old aunt.

That was a weird thought. Peter's youngest sister and his daughter were close in age.

The arachnid shakes the thought away and looks through the bags, and huffs when Cassie slaps his hand away and holds Emma out to him.

"Hold her and finish your lunch."

"Did you buy the whole store?" He half seriously wonders as he takes Emma from Cassie and holds her in one arm so he can eat with his free hand.

"Of course not. We just restocked on some things we were low on." She responds and moves a few things into a different bag.

"Shirts?"

"They're for Quill." Stephen answers.

"Why?" Peter holds his sandwich out of Emma's reach after taking a bite.

Cassie rolls her eyes. "Because he keeps losing shirts!"

"I'm pretty sure that's Scott's fault."

"I try not to think about it."

Peter sniggers and finishes his second sandwich just as his daughter requests juice, and after getting her to compromise for milk, he pours some in a sippy cup for her. There was a second request for juice after Emma was happily drinking her milk, but it came from Valerie so Peter grabs a juice pouch from the fridge and hands it to his father. Stephen and Cassie were still busy sorting what they had bought at the store, so Tony had to help Valerie with her juice.

"Go watch tv for a little bit, topolina." Tony mutters softly as he brushes Valerie's hair back with his hand.

The little girl nods and mumbles a quiet 'thank you' before wandering off to the living room. Peter follows her so he can put Emma in the playpen, and the baby lays down as she drinks her milk and turns her attention to the tv. The fact that she was willingly laying down meant that she was likely to take a nap and thankfully not tired enough to fight it. Peter was glad for that. He already spent a few hours apprehending criminals and didn't want to fight his daughter to take a nap.

"Hey tiger, think fast." Cassie tosses a bag of Doritos at him and he opens it with a grin after he catches it. "Don't eat the whole thing at once."

"Maybe you shouldn't give me the entire bag then." He holds the bag out towards her. "Want some?"

"Urgh. No." Cassie blanches and pushes aside the bags that are for her parents. "Juice sounds good though."

Peter tilts his head. "You sick babe? You love Doritos almost as much as I do."

Cassie waves her hand flippantly in his direction. "A little. I should be fine tomorrow since I caught it early."

Stephen's hand was on her forehead before Cassie even finishes her sentence and the sorcerer frowns. "You don't have a fever. What are your symptoms?"

Tony watches the exchange curiously as Cassie lists off her symptoms to the doctor. "Mama Bear's sixth sense didn't work?"

Peter shrugs as he pops a couple of chips into his mouth, and his chewing slows to a stop when his spider senses pick up an odd sound. The sound wasn't odd per say...but the circumstances were. He looks around the kitchen and counts four people (including himself), and then takes the three girls in the living room into account. Seven people...and he waited a few moments to see if anybody would come off the elevator (or in the rare chance the stairwell), but no one did. His spider senses weren't detecting any danger either.

So why could he hear eight heartbeats?

He puts the bag of chips into the counter and closes his eyes as he tunes into that eighth heartbeat. Maybe it was Tibbs or Athena? No. Their heartbeats were faster and the wolf was probably still with another team member and unaware that Stephen was home. Tibbs was probably wandering throughout the tower...so where the hell…?

Peter's eyes snap open and he stares at Cassie. He knew exactly where that heartbeat was coming from and it had him freezing. His breaths started coming a little faster as he tried to process what he discovered, and it was obvious enough to alert his parents and Cassie. Tony quickly leads him to one of the chairs at the table before he collapses, and helps him get his breathing under control before asking about his sudden panic attack.

"Bambino, what's wrong?"

Then the danger sense went off just before Quill threw the door to the stairway open and storms toward Peter with his galaxy eyes glowing. The arachnid jumps out of his seat and up to the ceiling on reflex, and the celestial wills some of his light into his hand just before Tony stands between them with his hands held out.

"What the hell is going on?!" The billionaire demands and Quill growls.

"He couldn't wait until after they tied the knot-"

"I literally just found out and we're engaged!" Peter argues and Tony and Cassie look between them in confusion.

"What's going on?" She asks.

Stephen sighs heavily. "I think I know." He looks at Peter. "You can hear it?" Peter nods and the sorcerer turns to Quill. "And I'm assuming you can see it?" Another nod and Stephen looks at Cassie. "What did you say was your main symptom?"

"Umm...I've been nauseous and-" Her eyes widen in realization before she turns to look at Quill with a glare. "Papa! If you're making up for not being able to beat up Peter for the first time, then knock it off! I already have a baby! A second one isn't much of a difference!"

Tony stares at Cassie just as Emma starts to cry from being so rudely awakened, and Cassie orders Quill to calm down and go take care of her. The god dismisses his light and his galaxy eyes with a heavy sigh before he disappears into the living room, and Peter cautiously hangs down from the ceiling by his fingertips. Once he makes sure that Quill isn't going to come back for him, he releases his grip on the ceiling and lands on his feet next to Tony who folds his arms.

"You couldn't say something?"

"I didn't have the chance." Peter mutters.

The elevator doors open and Scott rushes off and looks around wildly until he finds Quill in the living room and he sputters.

"What the hell was that all about?! You ran off in the middle of a conversation with no warning!"

"Talk to your future son-in-law!" Quill growls out and Peter groans when Scott looks at him.

"Please don't break my ribs again."

The thief looks at him with utter confusion and Peter watches as comprehension eventually creeps into his eyes. Scott inhales deeply and then marches into the living room where he promptly smacks the back of Quill's head in annoyance.

"You got bent out of shape because Cassie is pregnant again?"

"Ow, babe--"

"Don't 'babe' me! The first time is one thing but this is the second and they're engaged. Papa Bear needs to simmer down!" Scott leaves the living room and joins the others in the kitchen, where they had been stifling their laughter. "Do you have any juice?"

Stephen smiles and points to the fridge, and the thief helps himself as Peter and Cassie go into the living room to check on Quill and Emma. After the verbal lashing he got from Scott, he made himself comfortable on the couch and laid Emma on his chest, and Valerie was currently crawling onto the couch. She wiggles into Quill's side just before he throws a blanket over them, and he closes his eyes with the intent to take a nap with the girls. The other reason was because he had yet to master the purring noise he made when he slept while he was awake, and his snoring always soothed the girls.

"You're not gonna take a nap with Quill?" Peter asks Diana as she puts her homework folder into her backpack.

"I'm too old for naps."

Cassie snorts. "You'll regret those words when you get older."

"Daddy said that too." Dia looks up at Cassie. "Can we make brownies?"

"If Mom says it's okay then absolutely. Papa is taking care of Emma so I'm all yours right now." Cassie says with a smile and Peter gawks when they head out of the living room.

"What am I? Chopped liver?!" He exclaims and Cassie laughs.

The elevator opens again and Harley steps onto the floor tossing his keys up and down, and he stops and looks around when he notices the still fading tension in the air.

"Did I miss something?" He asks.

"Not really." Peter sighs and greets his brother with their handshake. "Didn't you have a test today?"

"Nailed it." Harley claims with a grin. "I still feel like I just missed something."

"Quill tried to kill me."

Harley frowns. "Why?"

Peter jumps when Quill's purring finally starts, and he watches as Valerie and Emma relax against him. It would only take a few more minutes for them to fall asleep, and as long as Quill slept, they would too.

"Cassie and I are having another baby."

"Dude...keep it in your pants." Harley chuckles when Peter shoves him. "Does Scott know?"

"I already smacked Quill for being overdramatic." The thief calls from the kitchen, and Harley and Peter walk in and watch Cassie and Diana grab stuff to make brownies as Stephen puts away Peter's sandwich mess.

"Thanks Mom." Peter mumbles a little sheepishly.

He was was normally good about putting things back when he was finished, but after the whole discovering an extra heartbeat and then being threatened by a god, he was a little frazzled. He and Harley decided to do their college assignments at the table while Cassie and Diana made brownies, and Scott retreated to the living room to watch tv quietly. Quill continued to snore for the next hour until Peter asked Scott to wake him up so Emma wouldn't sleep too long, and it didn't take very long for the younger girls to wake up from their naps after that. Peter and Cassie didn't have to tend to their daughter immediately since Scott and Quill were happy to play with her and Valerie, and that was another load of help. It made it so Peter could finish a good amount of his homework and Cassie could finish helping Diana make brownies. Tony and Stephen were content to curl up on one of the other couches where they either read or answered emails for SI. At least until Athena finally made it back up to the family floor and noticed Stephen was home. She didn't waste any time running over to him, jumping on the couch, and then laying down with her head in his lap.

"Brownies are ready if you want them warm!" Cassie calls to the ones in the living room, and then carries a couple over to the table for Peter and Harley.

"Thanks babe." Peter tears off a piece of brownie and throws it into his mouth, but just before he starts back on his homework, he freezes.

"What's wrong?" Harley asks.

Peter covers his mouth and shoves past Cassie once he gets up, and she and Harley watch as he races up the stairs to his room. Harley furrows his brows as he takes a bite of the brownie curiously and he looks at his future sister-in-law.

"Cass, there's peppermint in the brownies."

"What?!"

She tries a piece of Peter's abandoned brownie and curses as she rushes over to the counter and looks at one of the ingredients she and Diana used. Sure enough, what they thought was vanilla extract was actually peppermint extract, and she throws it in the garbage.

"Why is that even up here?!"

"It must have been grabbed by accident. He's going to be sick for the rest of the day." Harley says.

"I can't believe I poisoned my fiance." Cassie groans and smacks her forehead.

"Just say the word and I'll make them disappear." Quill says when he walks into the kitchen.

"Papa, you are not eating the entire pan of brownies." Cassie smacks his hands.

"I won't! I'll put one aside for your dad."

"Ugh."

[batskulldrag]

Phoenix by Fallout Boy

Heads up, the beginning to this chapter in intense with angst. Trigger warning for abuse. 

After that it should be ok. and we finally get to see deceit. His human name is Ethan and he is their new lawyer. 

Chapter Seven: Hellfire from The Hunchback of Notre Dame soundtrack

               Virgil woke up in a sterile greenish blue room. There was a heart monitor beeping somewhere. It might have been his. He felt an IV in his arm, and a truck load of pain everywhere else. He tried to remember how he got here.

               Last thing I remember is…  His blood turned to ice water.

               The last thing he could recall was his father being furious. And hurting him, he had been thrashed within an inch of his life. He tried to look around, but he could only see out of one eye. The other one was swollen shut. He didn’t see his father though.

               Maybe he had finally gone too far, and CPS had stepped in. Maybe things were ok now. And he’d get sent somewhere else. And his dad would get sent to prison. Maybe it was over.

               A few doctors came and went, checking his vitals and stuff like that. None of them said anything about him of his dad. He had to know.

               “Why am I here?” He fought intense agony to speak.

               “Shh.” One of the nurses cooed. “Don’t try to talk, sweetie. You’ve had a nasty fall and you injured a few ribs. Just lie very still.”

               “Where’s my…” He felt like he had been stabbed with a hack saw. “My… Dad?”

               “He’s right outside. He’ll be in with you in a moment.”

               Whatever pain he was in was dwarfed by the crushing blow of disappointment. Nothing was ok. He felt tears falling across his face, seeping into open cuts and stinging like hell. Of course, they swallowed whatever excuse his father had fed them. And there was no way they’d ask for his side of what happened. No, he was just a prop. No one wanted to know how he said it happened.

               “It’s ok,” The nurse soothed. “You’re alright now. Everything’s going to be fine.”

               She didn’t know! Of course, she didn’t know! How could she even say that!? Didn’t she know that it wasn’t ok!?  

               It’s not ok! Help me!

               His dad walked into the room with a mask of concern that he wore amazingly. Nominate him for an Oscar, he deserves it. Even Virgil himself was tempted to think his father had an ounce of remorse.

               “How is he?” His dad asked in such a genuine tone, when did he find time to rehearse?

               “He’ll pull through.” The nurse assured him.

               “Oh, thank goodness.” He sighed. “I was so worried. He’s all I have after his mother left me. If something happened to him…” He trailed off. The fucker even shed a tear.

               “I understand.” Welp, he had her.

               “Is it alright if I stay with him now?”

               “Of course.” She said.

               NO TAKE IT BACK!! TAKE IT BACK!!!

               “In fact, he was just asking for you.”

               “Poor baby. He must be terrified.”  

               DON’T LAEVE HIM WITH ME!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!

               “I’ll leave you two alone.”

               NO! SAVE ME!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!

               She left. And more importantly she left him alone with his dad.

               “It hurts doesn’t it.” The mask came off. All that was left was the sadistic tone of his father. “I may have told them you were morphine intolerant.”

               “Why?” It came out as a whimper.

               “Well, I had to get my point across.”

               “Why?” He wheezed again.

               “Well.” His father started. “First off, I want you to know they’re not going to ask you if you can have morphine, they already believe me. And they won’t ask for a second opinion. And that goes for your little tumble down our stairs. You tripped and fell, and your frantic dad rushed you to the emergency room. And if you say otherwise, I think we know who they’ll side with.”

               “And even if they believe you.” He grinned; the monster might as well have had three rows of teeth. “They’re a bunch of doctors who didn’t repeat seventh grade. They’ll just say I went easy on you. You see the grown up isn’t just always telling the truth, but they’re also always right.”

               He pressed down on one of his ribs. Virgil yelped in pain.

               “So, don’t disappoint me again.” He hissed.

               Last thing Virgil remembers is everything going black.

                                                                               #             #             #

               “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!!!” Virgil cried. “PLEASE HELP ME!!”

               Patton and Logan both shot awake and bolted to Virgil’s room. They met Roman in the doorway; he had brought a weapon. They all ran in as Virgil continued to shriek.

               “SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!” He pleaded, thrashing around on the bed like he was being murdered.

               Roman burst in and Logan switched the lights on.

               “Get away from him!” Roman demanded of the empty room.

               Virgil screamed and fell of the bed. He then just laid on the floor whimpering and drenched with sweat.

               “My baby.” Patton yelped, rushing to his side. “Are you ok honey?”

               “…I-I-I’m fine.” He panted. “I just had a bad dream.”

               Roman hid his samurai sword behind his back.

               “It’s ok.” Patton cooed, pulling the younger man into his lap. “I’m here, Da- I’ve got you.”

               “Do you want to talk about it?” Logan knelt beside Patton.

               “No.” Virgil’s voice came out as a squeak.

               “Ok.” Patton gently rubbed his back. “You don’t have to. You’re safe now. You’re safe.”

               With that said, Virgil started sobbing. Patton looked at Logan in horror and mouthed out ‘what did I do?’. Logan shook his head in mutual confusion.  Roman sat down on the floor with them and stretched his hand out to Virgil.

               “It’s ok.” He said softly, running his hand through the child’s hair. “You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to feel this. It’s ok.”

               Virgil continued crying as he buried his face in Patton’s shirt.

               “They-they’re gonna…” He gasped from Patton’s chest. “They’re not gonna believe me.”

               “Who?” Logan asked, with a pretty good idea he knew the answer.

               “The courts or the jury or whoever.” He panted. “They’re gonna take his side.”

               “No,” Patton soothed. “No, they won’t. it’s just his word against, like mountain of evidence.”

               “But he said I’m allergic to morphine and I’m not allergic to morphine,” He rambled in short, ragged breaths. “And they just went with it, and no one asked me if I fell down the stairs or not. Cause he already said I did. And…and…” He gasped hard.

               “Shh, shh.” Patton tutted. “It’s alright, no one’s gonna just blindly believe him ever again. He’s been branded as a liar. As he should be.”

               “Virgil.” Logan gently grabbed his shoulder. “No one is going to believe him over you. No one is going to believe him over evidence. This isn’t just he says you say.”

               Virgil mumbled something into Patton’s chest.

               “What?” Logan made a face like he had just been slapped.

               “I said.” Virgil sniveled. “What if they think he was going easy on me and I deserved it.”

               “Virgil.” Logan grabbed him by both shoulders and pulled his face up. “Look me in the eyes and listen to me. No one is going to say that. No one! You did not deserve any of what he did to you. Do you understand me!? You did not deserve that! And he did not go easy on you! He nearly killed you twice now! That does not quantify going easy on someone! No one is going to think that he was in the right, because he wasn’t! What he did was wrong! And nobody is going to think otherwise! Do you understand?!”

               Virgil nodded timidly.

               Logan sighed and pulled Virgil into a hug.

               “Ok.” He whispered. “I’m sorry for raising my voice to you. But you need to understand this. Your father…” He made a face at the title. “Payton was wrong to do this. And no one else is like that. This isn’t normal, and it isn’t right.”

               “I lied about what grade I’m in.” Virgil said. It was barely audible over his breathing. “I got held back. I’m starting eighth grade in the fall.”

               “I figured that out.” Logan sighed. “We got your school records last night.”

               “And you were asking all the questions about being held back earlier.” Patton added. “It was a really bad lie.”

               A long, tense silence filled the room.

               “We’re not going to do anything you expect us to do.” Roman broke the silence. “Please don’t lie to us again.”

               “Yeah, that about sums it up.” Patton wiped a tear off Virgil’s cheek. “We’d like you to trust us, and we wanna be able to trust you. Sound fair?”

               Virgil nodded.

               “Good.” Logan patted him on the head, it was unspeakably awkward. “Do you think you can fall asleep on your own, or would you like to take one of your pills?”

               “I’m fine.” Virgil sighed. “I don’t need to take anything.

               “Ok. But if you need your medicine come get one of us.” Patton fussed, pulling Virgil in and stroking his hair. “Do you want one of us to stay here until you fall asleep?”

               “No, I’m ok.” He paused and smiled coyly. “Trust me.”

               “We gotta get you some other bands to listen to.” Roman said unamused. “You can’t just keep quoting My Chemical Romance.”

               “My chemical Roman?” Patton quipped.

               “Patton,” Logan said calmly. “No.”

               “Absolutely not.” Roman agreed. “Never call me that again.”

               “I thought it was funny.” Virgil piped in, giving Patton a weak smile.

               “Well, at least one of us can appreciate humor.” Patton ruffled his hair. “You go ahead and get some sleep now. We’ll talk more in the morning if you feel like it.”

               “Ok.” Virgil yawned. “Thanks.”

               “It’s no trouble.”

               “I mean thanks, for.” He looked down and bit his lip. “Thanks for everything. All of you.”

               “That’s no trouble either.” Patton continued to pet him softly.

               “Don’t lie to me.”

               “Oooh, you’re feisty.” Patton teased. “Let’s get you into bed kiddo.”

               Patton helped him up and tucked him in, despite his protests the he was thirteen and didn’t need to be tucked in. Patton disregarded him without so much as going ‘uh-huh’ and pretending to listen.

               “Sometimes.” Patton kissed him on the forehead. “It’s nice to be tucked in.”

               As the three of them left the room Logan switched the light off and closed the door.

               “Poor little baby.” Patton whimpered as soon as the door closed. “How could anyone do something like that? He’s just a little kid.”

               “Some people are just rotten,” Roman patted him on the shoulder. “In a perfect world you’d be an only child. All we can do is be decent human beings to make up for the vile few who waste our air.”

               “I agree.” Logan nodded. “Just not as dramatically. Yes, there are bad people out there. And yes, all we can really do to counter them is act properly. There’s no point dwelling on what your brother did, all we can do now is work to help Virgil.”

               “I mean,” Roman gestured towards the door. “We already succeeded in not giving him night terrors. I’ll call that the minimum. So, we’re off to a great start.”

               “What the proverbial hell are you wearing?” Logan asked, only really looking at him for the first time.

               Roman looked down at himself. He was shirtless and clad only in red booty shorts that read ‘Royal’ across the butt.

               “It’s hot!” His face changed to match his shorts in hue. “it’s summer and we live in Florida!”

               “I think we all look silly.” Patton mumbled, tugging on the hem of his Pawton T-shirt.

               “I thought Virgil was being attacked by an intruder.” Roman argued. “I had time to either grab my robe or my sword!”

               “What were you gonna do, seduce the murderer?” Patton made a face.

               “Why are we having this discussion again?” Logan rubbed his temples.

               “Oh, we’re doing this?” Roman got defensive. “Because I happened to notice you were wearing seashell print underwear when you came to get me on Friday. And Patton had on dark blue boxers.”

               “So?” Logan challenged.

               “So, you don’t wear print underwear and Patton doesn’t own any without print.” Roman smirked sadistically. “I think you had on more than his shirt.”

               “Oh my God!!” Virgil screamed from the other room. “Get away from my door! I can hear you!!!”

               “I take back what I said about the nightmares.” Roman said flatly.

                                                               #             #             #

               The following evening was Patton and Logan’s turn to have to deal with the press. So, Roman was on babysitting duty. Given what would go down in infamy as ‘the booty short incident’ things were a bit awkward between the two. And now that Patton and Logan had left Roman was starting to feel a bit like the friend of a friend.

               “Do you think you’d like to be on the news once you’re feeling better?” Roman asked to ease the tension.

               “Sorry, what?” Virgil pulled out an earbud. He was curled up on the couch with his computer.

               “I was wondering if you wanted to be interviewed when you feel better.” Roman fought the cringe. “I’m sure they want to speak to you.”

               “I’m sure I’m not as beat up as they want me to be.” Virgil paused what he was watching. “Not too many bruises to exploit. Unless they want me to strip.”

               “That may not be so uncommon.” Roman said. “They asked me to strip last night.”

               “Really?” Virgil sat up and looked at him intensely.

               “Yes, I’m so gorgeous that everywhere I go people want me to take my clothes off.” Roman finished off the bit elegantly. “Mostly the ladies, but once the guys find out I’m on that side of the field… well. Let’s just say that they are not as weak as people think they are.”

               “I can’t believe I fell for that.” Virgil slumped back. “I’m an idiot.”

               “Well, maybe it’s just really believable.” Roman smirked. “I do have a god bod.”

               “You are like uber gay. Patton and Logan are married to each other and you’re still the gayest person in the house.”

               “How about you? Any crushes?” Roman turned the tables. “I bet everyone goes crazy over those eyes.”

               “Nah.” Virgil looked down and drug his hand across the rim of his laptop. “None yet.”

               “I guess that’s been pretty far from your mind.” Roman realized what he had done. “I’m sure you’ll be getting into it as you get older. Logan didn’t have his first until he was eighteen.”

               “Logan has…” He trailed off.

               “And you had other stuff to deal with.” Roman finished for him. “When you get your bearings, you’ll get your first crush, and if you never take an interest in romance, so be it. Different people need different things, and they need them at different times.”

               Virgil smiled softly at him, his lips only parting slightly to show a thin portion of his teeth.

               “And right now,” Roman stood up. “You need to watch Hunchback of Notre Dame with me.”

               “No way, I read that book, it’s horrible.” Virgil objected.

               “We’re watching the Disney version; it has a happy ending.” Roman explained. “Also, there’s a book?”

               “Yeah, it’s long.”

               “You’re in middle school, what are you doing reading stuff like that?”

               “I was in some kind of advanced reading class over the past couple of summers. You know, anything to eat up whatever free time I can get.”

               “So, you’re reading on like a high school level.” Roman pointed at him.

               “So, what, reading’s not hard. Like, everyone can read.”

               “Not on a high school level they can’t.”

               “Anyone who passed high school can.” Virgil countered, throwing his hands up.

               “Do you remember our different people chat from a moment ago?”

               “Just put in the movie.” He paused. “Wait, what time is your interview showing?”

               “Last night.” Roman shrugged. “It was pretty boring. And I decided that I hate it when the press tries to be clever.”

               “Go on.”

               “Actor Roman Lupine, known locally for his role as Mufasa in the community theater portrayal of The Lion King has found himself in a different kind of cast following the events of Friday night.” He recited.

               “That’s not even funny.”

               “I’m just thankful no one brought up my infiltration of the press.”

               “You’re the dude who pretended to be a reporter to troll my dad?”

               “I had to make sure they asked the right questions.” He defended. “And they didn’t. So, it’s a good thing I was there.”  

               “Yeah,” Virgil looked down. “Honestly, before you guys showed up the press thought the sun shined out of my dad’s butt.”

               Roman couldn’t help but laugh at that image.

               “Wow,” Roman coughed between laughs. “You are a word smith.”  

               “This movie another musical?” Virgil asked, stretching himself out.

               “All the best ones are.” Roman declared.

               Roman out the movie in and flopped himself down on the couch next to Virgil. The little one scooched away from him and curled up into a ball.

               “You don’t have to be afraid of me.” Roman smiled at him. “I may be gay, but I’m only attracted to people old enough to consent.”

               “Weirdly enough, I wasn’t worried about that.” Virgil said giving him a confused look. “I just haven’t bathed in a while, and I’m starting to smell.”

               “That’s you? I just thought my deodorant gave out.”

               “No, it’s me. I smell like death barfed up a bunch of old Band-Aids.”

               “Remind me why we haven’t bathed you yet.”

               “I can’t use my hands.” Virgil held up his gauzy paws. “Or get them wet or get my cast wet.”

               “Let me think for a minute.” Roman put his hand to his chin. “I’m great at creative solutions.”

               “Whatever you say, dude.”

                                                                               #             #             #

               Roman did come up with a solution. So, the two of them were now standing in Patton and Logan’s bathroom as that one had a walk-in shower with a grip bar installed inside. Roman unrolled a generous amount of plastic wrap.

               “So, we can wrap up your cast and hands really good with this stuff.” Roman smiled. “And then I can duct tape a back scrubber to one of your hands. That way you can clean yourself.”

               “I’m doing this more for entertainment than out of thinking this will work.” Virgil scoffed.

               “My kind are never recognized for their genius.” He feigned hurt and placed a hand on his heart.

               “Fine let’s do this.” Virgil sighed and held out his hands. “The smell is unbearable.”

               “Now, I’ll help you get your shirt off.” Roman said as he bound Virgil’s hands. “But your pants are your responsibility. I’m not getting my name put on any lists.”

               “You’re a saint.” Virgil said flatly.

               “Thanks for noticing.” Roman stood up. “Now, I find duct tape.”

               “Can’t you just put socks or something over my hands? It’d be easier.”

               “Now I go to get a pair of socks!” Roman rephrased. “Stay right here.”

               “Where would I go?”

               Roman returned with the socks, applied them and left Virgil one of his robes. With that done he left the bathroom. No way was he getting his name put on any lists. He sat on Patton and Logan’s bed, tracing the blanket pattern with his finger. It was creepily quiet.

               “Virgil,” Roman called. “Are you ok in there?”

               “Yeah, I’m fine.” He yelled back.

               “Ok. I’m right here if you need me?”

               “What the hell could I possibly need you for in here?”

               “I meant in case you fall. Weirdo.”

               “You’re weird.”

               Roman laughed to himself. This kid was terrible at name calling, at least in the moment. Roman softly sang to himself to break the silence. He looked around the love bird’s nest, they sure did like blue. He didn’t normally go into their bedroom if he could avoid it. Not that the room had anything wrong with it, it was the standard room with more plushies than would be expected scattered around. There was one desk, Logan’s, and it was home to many piles of books. As would be expected.

               “Sup?” Roman nodded at the large stuffed dog laying on the foot of the bed.

               “Roman?” A timid voice asked.

               “You can talk?” Roman grabbed the plushie. “Wait, I’m an idiot. What is it Virgil?”

               “Can you come in here?” Virgil sounded strained.

               “Did you fall? I’ll be right in.”

               Roman darted in and saw Virgil bunched up in one corner of the shower, covering himself with a towel. Thank god.

               “What’s wrong?” Roman asked, stepping closer.

               “There’s a bunch of weird spots on my skin.”

               Roman looked down at his chest and saw that it was peppered tiny irritations that were rough to the touch.

               “Ok.” Roman forced himself calm. “You come on out of there and put this on.” Roman held up the robe and looked away. “It’s probably just a reaction to the soap, or to not being able to shower for a while. You know, that kind of rash.”

               “Ok.” He squeaked. “I know it wasn’t here yesterday, so you’re probably right.”

               “Right. So, we’re just going to wash your clothes and see what happens.”

               Roman sent Virgil to his room and immediately called Logan. Logan answered surprisingly fast, he must have really not wanted to be interviewed.

               “Roman, is something wrong?” Logan answered, confused.

               “Virgil has this weird bunch of spots on his body, I don’t think it’s chicken pox, but it looks like scarlet fever.”

               “It probably is.” Logan said calmly. “That or he’s having a reaction to his antibiotics.”

               “WHAT!!?” Roman screamed into the receiver. “He’s going to die?”

               “Roman, scarlet fever is also known as strep throat rash.” Logan explained. “Both are caused by the same bacteria. I suspect he contracted it because his father didn’t take him to the doctor. Symptoms are the same as strep throat, and the first degree burns he suffered in the fire must have covered the rash.”

               “What do I do? Do I have to burn things? Is he going to live?”

               “He’ll be fine, just put some baby powder on the rash; we’ll take him to the doctor tomorrow to see if he needs his antibiotic dose increased or decreased based on what the rash is. Don’t burn anything, this isn’t the nineteenth century.”

               “Should I tell him?”

               “No, you’ll just freak him out.”

               “All this time scarlet fever has just been strep throat?” Roman mumbled, floored by the revelation.

               “Just wait until we tell you about what happened to measles.” Logan said blankly before hanging up.

                                                                               #             #             #

               “Just have a seat on the table and the doctor will be right with you.” The nurse said, holding the door for them.

               Virgil lurked in quietly with Patton and Roman both in tow. He stopped to look at them both and saw that Logan had also gone ahead and come in. Somehow, he had amassed and entourage.

               “I… Uh. Don’t think we all need to be here.” Virgil said, tugging on his sleeves.

               “We need to know what you have.” Roman defended.

               Virgil pulled himself onto the table and silently prayed that the doctor wouldn’t ask him to take his pants off. He was generally opposed to striping, but he was more against it now that he knew his audience wasn’t going anywhere.

               “It’s ok.” Patton rubbed his shoulder.

               “I’m not afraid.”

               “Oh.” Patton said surprised, not taking his hand away. “That’s ok too. You shouldn’t be afraid. It’s going to be alright.”

               “I regret telling them about strep throat rash.” Logan said to him. “I’m very sorry. I should have expected this kind of reaction.”

               “What other reaction is supposed to come with the news that he has a potentially fatal illness?” Roman protested. “Joy? We aren’t Barbra.”

               “The severity is dramatically decreased because of modern antibiotics.” Logan sighed. “Virgil’s not going to die from this. And it may not be strep throat rash, it could very well be a reaction to our detergent or his medicine.”

               “If he’s allergic to antibiotics that’s still a problem.” Patton objected.

               “How do you keep forgetting everything you learned in nursing school?” Logan sighed.

               Virgil chewed on his bandages, longing for the day when he could get at his nails again. Roman had kept his mouth shut about the idea of scarlet fever pretty well, but when Patton got wind of it, he freaked out. First kid and all that. Logan had been good about using the modern name, but of course Patton googled it and found out what it was. Virgil hadn’t had a moment’s peace since.

               Mercifully the doctor entered the room. Virgil knew this one, Dr. Talyn because they had been dealing him while he was still checked in. Nice to see a familiar face.

               “Hi Virgil.” Talyn said, clearly happy to see him. “How have you been?”

               “Recovering.” Virgil sighed. “How long do I need to have my hands wrapped again?”

               “I’ll look at the burns while I’m here, but I guarantee you that you still need to have them wrapped for at least another week.”

               “I know you.” Roman interrupted happily. “You’re the doctor who stood up to Payton that night.”

               “And you’re crazy twin guy.” Talyn nodded. “I’m a friend of Joan’s.”

               “You have one insane twin brother and that’s all anyone ever remembers about you.” Roman protested.

               “So, Virgil has a rash that you two are worried about?” Talyn turned to Patton and Logan.

               “I think it may be strep throat rash,” Logan explained calmly. “I just need to know what it is and if we need to adjust his antibiotics.”

               “Scarlet fever can make people go deaf.” Patton interrupted. “Is that gonna happen?”

               “No.” Talyn looked amused at Patton’s panic. “And it’s probably not strep rash, it seems weird that it would show up after we started treating the strep throat.” They turned on Virgil. “Can you pull your shirt up baby?”

               Thinking he had a bright future as a stripper, Virgil pulled his shirt off. Life was hell. Talyn looked at the rash for a minute and went about the other standard doctor examinations.

               “It’s not scarlet fever or a reaction to his meds.” They said finally. “It’s just a little stress rash.”

               “Oh, poor baby.” Patton fussed, grabbing Virgil and hugging him.

               The demonic voice in Virgil’s head screamed so loud that it blurred his vision.

                                                                               #             #             #

               “Oh, poor baby.” Patton pulled his nephew into his arms.

               “Oh, thank goodness.” Roman sighed. “I thought he was done for.”

               “For the last time, he wasn’t going to die.” Logan added tiredly.

               “If you want, I can prescribe a topical cream for the hives,” Talyn continued. “But aside from that I can’t really do much. They’re just gonna have to go away on their own.”

               Patton brushed Virgil’s hair out of his face and paused. Virgil was being oddly still. He loosened his grip and Virgil fell limp onto him.

               “Guys! I think he fainted!” Patton yelled in abstract terror.

               Dr. Talyn took over and shooed him away. They laid Virgil down on the table, took his pulse and checked his pupils. After that they put a cold cloth on his head.

               “Doctor,” Patton asked softly. “Did we do something wrong? His anxiety is getting really bad around us. Did we do the wrong thing?”

               “No, I don’t think this is anyone’s fault.” Talyn checked Virgil’s pules again. “I think he’s just having a harder time adjusting then we thought he would. All we can really do is give it time.”

               “We already made him a follow up appointment with Dr. Picani.” Logan added guiltily. “I didn’t think we were causing him that much stress.”

               “You don’t need to be in a stressful environment to have anxiety.” Talyn explained. “And he may have PTSD after everything his dad did to him. And he’s only like five days into this transition. That’s not even enough time to get used to a school week.”

               “It’s not right.” Patton brushed his hand through Virgil’s hair. “He’s just a little kid.”

               Virgil murmured a bit the bolted upright.

               “No! Get away from me! Don’t touch me!” He yelped. He stopped and looked around then sighed. “Sorry Uncle Patton, I-I thought you were someone else.”

               Who? I wonder. The words burned themselves into Patton’s brain.

               “It’s ok sweetie.” Patton hugged him. “It’s ok.”

               “What happened?” Virgil pulled himself away.

               “You passed out a minute ago.” Logan explained. “Are you alright?”

               “I’m fine.” He crossed his arms and looked at the floor.

               Talyn cleared their throat.

               “Do you three mind if I talk to Virgil alone?” They asked.

               “No.” Patton sighed. “Go ahead.”

                                                                               #             #             #

               Virgil watched the other three leave and whished that he was going with them. Dr. Talyn closed the door behind them and the room suddenly seemed oppressively tiny.

               “I have to ask.” Talyn sighed. “Are they treating you ok?”

               “Yes.” He looked down from the ceiling that he swore he could reach up and touch. “And not just the bare minimum of not beating me into a coma. They’re all being really nice.”

               “Have they done anything that wasn’t physical? Any insults? Anything like that?”

               “No. None of that stuff. It’s like some kind of alternate reality.”

               “Are you happy there?”

               “Yes. I wanna stay…” He dropped the sentence and stared at the floor.

               You can’t though, it’s not gonna happen. You can’t stay. He’s not going to let you. He’s going to ruin this for you if you don’t ruin it first.

               “Ok then.” Talyn finished. “You understand why I had to ask you that right?”

               “Honestly, I have been asked that more in the past couple of days than I have in my entire life.” He sighed. “Yeah, I understand why you asked. I don’t understand why no one else ever did.”

               “Neither do I.” That wasn’t the answer he was expecting. “I’ll check out your hands, then you can go.”

               Talyn checked his hands over and rebandaged them so that they looked like mittens. They padded the thumbs loosely so he could use them and kept the rest of his hands covered. He looked down at his appendages and saw that three of his fingernails had come off. He gagged and looked away.

               “I know,” Talyn soothed. “It’s creepy.”

               They finished with him and sent him on his way. He lurked out into the other room and joined the others. Patton immediately hugged him. He sighed and slumped into the hug.

               I don’t want to go. I want to stay with you.

               “It’s ok sweetie.” Patton pacified.

               “It’s just going to take some time.” Logan rubbed his back.

#             #             #

               “Ok, we’ll be back in a couple of hours.” Patton said chipperly on his way out the door. “Are you two gonna be okay?”

               “I already watched him last night.” Roman sighed. “I can do it again.”

               “I don’t even really need a babysitter.” Virgil added. “Dad used to leave me on my own all the time.”

               Don’t blow up, it’s ok. We’re literally on our way to see the lawyer. Patton bit his lip.

               “Well, you’re still sick.” Patton smiled. “So, you ought to have a grown up to look after you.”

               “And you’re in an unfamiliar environment.” Logan added.

               “I’m not a cat.”

               “We’ll be fine.” Roman shooed them. “Don’t be late to your meeting. We still have as entire anthology to watch.”

               “Ok, but nothing that can, you know…” Patton mimed pulling a trigger on a gun.

               “I won’t.” Roman rolled his eyes. “I’m not stupid.”

               “It’s going to be alright Patton.” Logan squeezed his shoulder. “You don’t have to worry.”

               “Ok.” Patton grabbed Logan’s hand. “We’ll be back in a few hours, or less depending on what happens.”

               “Take all the time you need.” Roman was almost pushing them.

               Patton looked over and saw Virgil staring at him curiously from the couch. He knew something was going on, kids can always tell. Patton guiltily avoided his gaze, there was no need to bring him into this and stress him out even more.

               And I definitely don’t want to get his hopes up and disappoint him. A thought preyed on him.

               No, that’s going to happen. This is gonna work out. We’re gonna be ok.

               You couldn’t save him before, what makes now different?

               You shut up!

               You can’t save him. You already let him endure this for thirteen years.

               Stop it!

               Payton isn’t just going to roll over! You can’t just smile and hope your problems go away!

               “Ok,” Patton forced a smile and took another step out the door. “I love you. We’ll be back in a bit.”

               Patton and Logan walked to the car in silence. Patton stared out his window and caught a glimpse of Virgil looking out one of the front windows at them, trying not to be seen himself. Poor little anxious baby. Patton looked at his feet. He wanted nothing more than to hold Virgil and tell him everything was going to be ok, and just keep holding him until they were.

               “Logan,” Patton sighed as they drove into the street. “Do we have a chance?”

               “A chance of what?” Logan glanced at him.

               “Winning custody.”

               “We do, in fact I’m optimistic in spite of myself.”

               “Are you sure, Payton’s gonna fight us on this.”

               “Payton has been digging his metaphorical grave for years, and it is now too deep for him to get out. The evidence is in our favor.”

               “Are you sure?” Patton rubbed his arms, feeling a sudden cold engulf him.

               “Yes, and if you’re worried that he’s going to lie his way out of this… well I don’t think his silver tongue is going to help him here.”

               “I feel kind of like I’m kicking him while he’s down.”

               “This isn’t about Payton’s feelings. Provided that he can feel. This is about what’s best for Virgil.”

               “Payton’s not gonna like this.”

               “I don’t care.”

               “Maybe he’s gonna say we shouldn’t be parents because we’re a same sex couple.” Patton said worriedly.

               “He was running for mayor as a gay man who had suffered abuse for it.” Logan said blankly. “No one is going to want to hear that.”

               “What if he says we beat Virgil up to make false evidence?”

               “We can disprove that.”

               “I read that judges don’t like to break up families, like take kids away from their parents.”

               “With the exception of that parent being a violent sociopath, who may have tried to murder them.” Logan added, grabbing Patton’s hand. “Sound like anyone we know?”

               “I’m just worried.”

               “I know, I’m worried too.” Logan held his hand tighter. “But I’m not going to let it consume me or make me lose sight of reality.”

               “I love you.” Patton said quietly.

               “I love you too.” Logan smiled. “After all, I am having your baby.”

               “When can we start introducing him as our son?” Patton perked up a little.

               “As soon as custody is granted. And remember not to overwhelm him.”

                                                                               #             #             #

               “Ok,” Their new lawyer said after they finished their story. “It definitely sounds like you have a case.”

               Their lawyer was remarkable short and built entirely of muscle. Outside of that he was scary. Completely pale with light blond hair that he covered up with a black derby hat. He looked like he had albinism along with a massive scar that covered the left side of his face, leaving him a dead eye and a slightly dented lower jaw. The scar pattern looked like a waffle iron. Patton pondered how the poor man got it.

               The lawyer had a name plate that read “E. S. Pent”. No first name.

               “So, what we need to do.” E. S. said. “Is organize what we have now, police reports, medical records and testimonies. You said Virgil is going to be seeing a psychiatrist?”

               “Yes,” Logan answered. “Dr. Emile Picani.”

               “Ok, we should be able to get him as a witness. He’s done all this before.” E.S. sighed. His job probably sucked.

               “Is Virgil gonna have to testify?” Patton bit his lip. “I don’t wanna expose him to all this.”  

               “If he wants to, more power to him. But if not I’m pretty sure people will understand.”

               “Is there anything we need to be prepared for if he tries to counter us?” Logan asked.

               “Well, Patton already passed his background check.” E. S. looked through the papers. “I recommend you and your friend, Roman, both get one as well.”

               Logan looked around tensely and Patton instinctively grabbed his hand.

               “I, I have Asperger’s.” Logan sighed. “Is that going to cause any problems?”

               “No, I don’t think so.” E. S. smiled reassuringly. “Provided that it doesn’t make you violent or suicidal.”

               “No, all it really does is make me weird.”

               Patton mouthed out the words ‘I will fight you’ at Logan. Nobody talks about his husband that way.

               “Is it a problem that we’re gay?” Patton tilted his head.

               “It shouldn’t be.”

               “So, this is it?” Patton squeezed Logan’s hand.

               “Well you need to serve Payton papers, and set a court date. I’ll help you with the papers. And if you don’t want to face him, you can have a police officer, or a lawyer serve the papers for you. And I knew Payton in law school, he’s a prick. So, if you’d like, I would love to serve him the papers.”

               “I’ll give them to him myself.” Patton looked at the table. “I want to talk to him.”

               “Are you sure?”

               “He’s my brother, I can’t just turn my back on him. And if I’m going to do this, I’m not going to do it from behind someone.”

               “Alright.”

                                                                               #             #             #

               It was past nine when they got home. Roman was on the couch contentedly watching the credits of Aristocats while Virgil dozed on his shoulder.

               “Oh, thank goodness you’re home.” Roman teased in an air of mock desperation. “It was so troublesome to look after a sick teenager. We had to watch movies and then he fell asleep. The horror.”

               “Very funny.” Logan whispered, feeling Virgil’s forehead. “Last night you called me in a panic thinking he had scarlet fever.”

               “Which you confirmed.” Roman whisper yelled.

               “No, no. get away.” Virgil mumbled in his sleep.

               “Shh,” Roman purred. “it’s ok. It’s ok. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

               Patton leaned in and pet Virgil’s hair. Poor little anxious baby!

               “Has he been talking in his sleep a lot?” He whispered.

               “On and off.” Roman looked down at him. “Mostly saying the same things. ‘get away’ ‘stop’ and ‘I wanna stay here’.”

               “You can stay with us baby.” Patton continued stroking his head. “We’re not gonna send you away.”

               “No,” Logan smiled. “You’re here for good.”

               Roman covered the sleeping boy’s ears.

               “How did it go with the lawyer?” He asked.

               “I’m serving Payton the papers on Friday.” Patton looked down.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author’s note, Deceit’s color was similar to the albino Burmese python, so I made his human alternate an albino. Also a went with a scar instead of scales. Ethan will talk about being trans in a later chapter.

[anotheruserwithnoname]

Alternate entertainment timelines...

Something that has always fascinated me is when I read about actors who were originally cast in famous roles, but ended up being replaced. One of the best-known and widely scene examples is Eric Stoltz, best known today for the film Mask, who filmed a portion of the original Back to the Future as Marty McFly before being replaced by Michael J. Fox. Footage of Stoltz as Marty is widely available, having been included on DVD releases of the BTTF trilogy, so we can compare.

One of the most intriguing examples is Elizabeth Shepherd, whose film roles include Kidnapping of the President and Damien: Omen II, as well as the TV series Duchess of Duke Street, was the original actress cast as Emma Peel in The Avengers and she even filmed a complete episode before the powers that be realized she was wrong for the part (possibly because she too closely physically resembled her predecessor, Honor Blackman) and replaced her with Diana Rigg, completely refilming the episode called Town of No Return. To this day only a handful of photos exist of Elizabeth as Mrs. Peel (and I’ve yet to see one of her version of Emma with Patrick Macnee) - the episode itself is either lost or locked away. Here’s a publicity photo of Shepherd as Emma Peel taken during filming of her only episode.

There’s also the case of Tamzin Merchant, who played Daenerys Targaryen in the never-shown pilot episode of Game of Thrones. She was replaced by Emilia Clarke when the pilot basically got a do-over. Apparently it was so poor (not Tamzin’s performance necessarily, the whole project) we may never see the original pilot. Another case of a lead actor getting replaced was Sherilynn Fenn of Twin Peaks fame who became the first live-action actress to play Harley Quinn in the unaired pilot episode of the short-lived (and missed) Birds of Prey series back in the early 2000s. She was replaced in the series by Mia Sara of Ferris Bueller fame. That pilot was circulated unofficially online and at conventions so we could compare the two. (As an aside, I am surprised the original series didn’t get reissued when the Birds of Prey movie came out last year, especially since its versions of the Huntress and Oracle/Batgirl also appeared in the Crisis on Infinite Earths miniseries on CW.)

And when Star Trek Voyager began filming, Oscar-winning French-Canadian actress Geneviève Bujold was cast as Capt. Nicole Janeway, and filmed for a day and a half before it was decided she wasn’t working out and she was replaced by Kate Mulgrew as Kathryn Janeway, so Trek lost out on having its second French-Canadian captain (Shatner is from Montreal), and Jean-Luc Picard would no longer have been the only French captain in (televised) Starfleet. Bujold’s handful of complete scenes have been released on DVD and can be found on Youtube, but I’ll let you go hunting for them. 

Probably the most famous example of a recast was the case of Jeffrey Hunter, who won the lead in the original Star Trek in 1964. He filmed the first pilot, The Cage, as Christopher Pike, but by the time NBC requested a second pilot, Hunter changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to do a series, opening the door for Bill Shatner to become James T. Kirk. This decision had both a wide-ranging creative and personally tragic consequence: because Gene Roddenberry needed to save money on production of TOS’ first season, he repurposed The Cage’s footage into a two-part episode called The Menagerie, which used it as a flashback, establishing that it took place about a decade before the current series. And that established the Star Trek universe timeline that continues to inform the franchise today. The tragic part is, because he didn’t take the series, Hunter went on to make movies (including The Green Berets where he acted with George Takei who took a leave from TOS to appear), and an on-set accident in late 1968 while filming in Europe set in motion a brain injury that may have contributed to his death after a fall in the spring of 1969. It’s a shame he never got to see how Star Trek grew - I could only imagine a Kirk-Pike team-up with Shatner and Hunter would have been perfect for the movies.

Playing “what if” is fascinating. I can only imagine how Audrey Hepburn would have performed as Nefertiri in Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments, or how Bela Lugosi would have handled the originally planned concept for Frankenstein’s Monster in the first Universal Frankenstein film in 1931 for which he was cast. He played the monster in a later film, but it was based on Boris Karloff’s version, not the one that had been planned originally.

Doctor Who has had it’s share of “what ifs”. Imagine BRIAN BLESSED as the Fourth Doctor (or possibly the Third). Richard Griffiths (Uncle Dursley in the Harry Potter films) was also up to play Four. Both Peter Capaldi and Christopher Eccleston were apparently on a list of potential Eighth Doctor actors - and the favourite for a while wasn’t actually Paul McGann, but his brother! And of course there’s the fact that if the stars had aligned differently, Jenna Coleman’s contribution to Who would have started and ended with her playing Mels, the incarnation of Melody Pond prior to River Song, in Let’s Kill Hitler. Someone else would have likely ended up playing Clara.

Imagine how different our pop culture would be had the original actors been cast in all these shows!

[timeagainreviews]

The Doctor visits Villa Diodati... Again

It’s rare that an episode of Doctor Who can upset the fandom before it ever airs. Even rarer is the fandom actually having a valid reason for being so hacked off. The reason for this week’s outrage? That would be none other than the inclusion of the famous writer Mary Shelley into the story. If you’re a fan of Big Finish, you may know already that Mary Shelley acts as a bit of a companion in the Eighth Doctor audios. So when she shows up with the Doctor on the same night when she meets the Eighth Doctor, you start to wonder if anyone thought to actually check.

There’s a really great thing called the TARDIS Data Core. It’s a wiki maintained by the type of meticulous nerds (see: me) who care about this sort of thing. And it’s absolutely free to use. So if you want to throw in someone like say, Houdini, you can read up on the many instances when the Doctor met the man. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, Doctor Who writers have a bizarre fascination with that man. I won’t fault Maxine Alderton for having not listened to the audios with Mary Shelley. I’ve only listened to one of them. But hell, check the damn wiki.

The world of Doctor Who gets its mileage out of perception filters. They play a huge part in the mythology of the show, and especially tonight’s episode. Maybe this is why the Thirteenth Doctor doesn’t remember her travels with Mary Shelley, it’s filtered out. And maybe that’s why when Lord Byron answers the door to Villa Diodati, he reacts with shock despite the massive windows with a clear view of the Doctor and her companions. Was he shocked by the fact that literally nothing changed? Pro tip- if you’re going to show someone surprised by who is on the other side of a door, wood is more effective than glass.

The Doctor and her companions have arrived at the Villa Diodati in the rain-soaked summer of 1816. The very same rain that has relegated Lord Byron, Mary Shelley, Claire Clairmont, and John Polidori housebound, has also forced the TARDIS crew to seek shelter at the villa. The episode wastes no time reaching for cliches as the Doctor says to her companions to brace themselves for meeting some of the greatest minds of human history, only to have the door open to a room of drunken buffoons. They did the exact same joke when the Tenth Doctor met Shakespeare. It’s not egregious, but it’s played out none the less.

Rebounding from cliches, director Emma Sullivan gets some great horror movie vibes as the appearance of a skeletal hand stalks through the house like a spider looking for prey. Clips of ghostly apparitions flicker in and out of existence. I was already very excited about where this was headed. Lord Byron is quite taken by the Doctor, who pays him very little mind. But this doesn’t stop the sleepwalking Dr Polidori from getting jealous when Claire appears to be flirting with Lord Byron. Much of the information about these four is conveyed by their proclivity to gossip, which I thought was a very clever way of sneaking a history lesson into the story. Once again, they’re making better use of edutainment moments by incorporating them into the story.

However, it is Lord Byron who has Claire’s eye. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t stand a chance against the Doctor, or whoever catches Lord Byron’s attention that week. Claire laments Lord Byron’s mixed signals in a conversation with Yaz, leading Yaz to convey her own issues with someone she fancies. She never outright says it’s Ryan, but I’m guessing it’s Ryan. I’m also guessing we’re still doing that? She also very well could have meant the Doctor. Meanwhile, Graham is lost in this labyrinthian house whilst searching for the loo. I love that Graham is the companion that thinks about eating and going to the bathroom. I’ve always wondered why there weren’t more action movies where someone needed to take a piss. You never see Ethan Hunt stop a bullet train while needing to poop. Now that’s an impossible mission.

With Dr Polidori being a sleepwalker, his demeanour is anxious and agitated causing him to take Ryan’s playground trash talk as a major slight on his character. He challenges him to a duel, but before he can put a cap in Ryan’s backside, they’re interrupted by the presence of the skeleton hand. I really have to give it up to Tosin Cole here. His comedic chops this series have been spot-on. Watching him try and fight off a flying hand was just as funny as watching him try to impress Mary Shelley with a stumbling rendition of "Chopsticks," on the piano. After a bit of hot potato, the skeletal hand is taken out of commission by the valet, Fletcher with the serving tray assist. The hand smacks into the ground in a fine powder.

The Doctor reveals that she believes the house is giving off really evil "vibes," and they set about looking for answers. It’s at this moment that the perception filters begin toying with their minds. Stairwells lead down to their tops and exits lead to their entrances. It’s a very wibbly-wobbly moment that leads you to wonder what exactly is going on. Is the house haunted? Does it have anything to do with the bones Lord Byron is keeping at the villa? Why are vases breaking against the wall? Who is this apparition that keeps blinking in and out of existence? Who are the woman and child that supply Graham with a sweet plate of sandwiches?

Stuck in what seems like a time loop, Mary begins to panic as she hears her infant son William crying from a room she is unable to reach. It is then that the sleepwalking of Polidori actually comes in handy as he is able to walk through walls as he is unaffected by perception filters while asleep. This allows everyone to navigate the house by closing their eyes. The Doctor assumes that whatever is happening has turned the villa into a sort of panic room to protect it from something horrible. Perhaps this something has to do with room they’ve discovered which is covered in mad writing scrawled in an alien language. I’ll forgive them the cliche of the madman furiously scrawling walls as at this point, I am fully invested in the story.

It takes them almost no time to discover who the house is protecting them from, as the Lone Cyberman as warned about by Captain Jack arrives looking like Frankenstein’s monster. I absolutely loved the horror movie visuals. The decision not to reveal exactly what the Cyberman was at first, really amped up the anticipation. I knew he was coming at the end of the series, but I didn’t expect him so soon. His image cut like a hunched monster in the darkness of the hallway portrayed a man or monster that has clearly travelled a very long distance to get here. We’ve never had a chance to see a Cyberman look so fatigued and battle-worn. This concept is driven home as we’re able to see the human underneath the mask. One of his hands is left exposed calling back to the Cybermen’s first appearance in "The Tenth Planet."

The Doctor kicks into Doctor mode as she commands her companions not to follow her. The Cyberman goes about looking for "the guardian," which doesn’t pan out too well for poor Fletcher or the maid watching William. However, the Cyberman spares the baby because, after all, this is a family show, and we are still pre-watershed. The Doctor confronts the Cyberman who is unable to attack. Noting his emotions are still intact, the Doctor tries to negotiate with him. This is a rare opportunity for the Doctor to do something more with a Cyberman than exploding his head. However, it would appear this lone mechano man is the cause of all of the freak weather happening, as he recharges himself with a very Mary Shelley style lightning.

Meanwhile, the companions and their new friends have discovered Percey Shelley in the cellar. The Doctor reads Percy’s mind to discover he had found something shiny in the bottom of Lake Geneva, like some sort of sexy Smeagol.  Upon picking it up, it begins seeping into his skin, connecting to his mind where it would attempt to hide from the Lone Cyberman. The object is a sort of intelligent liquid metal known as the Cyberium. Within it resides all of the knowledge and history of the Cybermen. In its attempt to hide, Percy returns home to discover nobody can see him no matter how many vases he throws against the wall. The Cyberium puts up a series of perception filters that obscure him from sight. Who sent it back in time, and why it wants to hide from the Lone Cybermen is left a mystery.

The Doctor is forced to make a decision- ignore Jack’s warning not to give the Lone Cyberman what he wants, or allow the Cyberium to destroy Percy’s mind. Ryan tries to make like this is a simple decision as one life weighed against billions is an easy choice. However, the Doctor’s curt response shows the situation to be far more impactful. I loved her speech about being the lone person at the peak of a summit. That was some "curse of the Time Lords," level pontification which I have yearned so much to hear from Jodie’s Doctor. She almost seems disgusted with Ryan here. She doesn’t hide her contempt for always having to be the strong one. This may be one of my favourite Thirteenth Doctor moments as she seems genuinely pissed about being the one to make the big decisions.

Mary Shelley has a moment that clearly sounds like she was working out the basis for what would become her book "Frankenstein," as she tries to reason with the Cyberman. She sees the monster made of disparate parts, but she also sees the man within. But it would appear that this man within has the brain of a criminal as he thrashes about wildly looking to harm. Percy passes the Cyberium to the Doctor. Once again they touch on cliche by claiming the Doctor is the perfect host for the Cyberium. I found this odd considering they have always said the Doctor is not compatible with Cyberman technology, but whatever. The Doctor makes her decision which is to give the Cyberman the Cyberium. That’s step one of the plan, step two is to fix the problems she created with step one. I’ve never heard Doctor Who so succinctly summed up. The Doctor just keeps putting out fires until the problem is solved. Brilliant.

For now, we’re left to ponder the future of this Lone Cyberman. How will it play into the Timeless Child if at all? Is this the beginning of storyline spanning three different episodes? I’m hoping the answer is yes. That would be really cool to see not just the Timeless Child and the Lone Cyberman come together, but also the Master as well. If Chris Chibnall can actually find a through-line with all three stories, I would be very impressed. There’s a lot to like in series twelve, which makes it almost sad that so many people have been tuning out. I’ll admit I understand the trepidation people may have after series eleven. There was a sort of aimlessness that series twelve definitely does not share.

I wouldn’t sit here and say the entire series has been home run after home run, but I’ve not hated a single episode. Even the weaker efforts like "Orphan 55," and “Can You Hear Me?” were completely watchable. Even if "The Haunting of Villa Diodati," does mess with the Eighth Doctor canon, it doesn’t waste its time. That Cyberman reveal was so effective that I audibly said "Woah!" as he beamed his way into the house. And it’s still too early to say what is and isn’t canon at this point, as the Timeless Child could play into it. We could be dealing with pocket realities or alternate timelines. All could very well be revealed in the end. If not, well, it just gives Big Finish a chance to do what it does best- retcon the shit out of something until it fits. It’s Doctor Who, it can take the strain.

[brokehorrorfan]

Event Report: Rhode Island Comic Con 2019

The eighth annual Rhode Island Comic Con took place November 1-3 at the Rhode Island Convention Center and the Dunkin Donuts Center in Providence, RI. With the new layout implemented the previous year proving to be successful, the show ran like a well-oiled machine. When not enamored by the countless vendors, I spent a good deal of the weekend in the panel rooms listening to anecdotes from a host of beloved actors.

The first panel of the weekend was with The Office's Brian Baumgartner (who played Kevin) and Leslie David Baker (who played Stanley). After being forced to turn away dozens of fans from last year's The Office Q&A with other cast members, the convention smartly booked the bigger panel room this time around. They discussed the show's longevity and the possibility of a revival. "It will never be the same," Baker stated, but they remain open to the idea; he encouraged fans to write to NBC if they want to see it. Many laughs were had, with Baumgartner occasionally slipping into his character’s voice, in addition to dropping not one but two "That's what she said!" jokes.

Richard Dreyfuss' panel immediately followed. The Academy Award-winning actor opened by saying that he has answered every Jaws question over the years, so if you ask one he hasn't heard he'll give you $10 - but if you ask one he has heard you owe him $10. He promised more than just funny stories from film sets - although that's what most people wanted to hear. More than half of the 45-minute discussion was dedicated to the absence of civics in today's educational system, a subject on which Dreyfuss wrote a soon-to-be-published book. He did answer a few film-related questions, but the moderator - a local podcast host - did not help the situation.

A Q&A with Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund, was a fun way to cap off the first day. A born storyteller with an encyclopedic knowledge of film, his panels are always fascinating. He discussed his work in the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise at length, citing Part 4 has his favorite performance, New Nightmare as his favorite to make, and Tina from Part 1 as his favorite death scene. With questions culled from Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, Galaxy of Terror, and Never Too Young to Die, Englund called it his most esoteric panel. He concluded by telling the audience about True Terror, a new Travel Channel series he's hosting that's set to premiere in February.

I've never watched a single episode of Star Trek, but I had a hunch that William Shatner's panel would be wildly entertaining - and he proved me right. With no need for a moderator, he began by telling the captive audience about The Ride, an upcoming documentary following his eight-day motorcycle journey from Chicago to Los Angeles, and his new blues album that's due out next year. Surprisingly, there were no Star Trek questions; topics of conversation ranged from Judgment at Nuremberg and Better Late Than Never to working with whales and his likeness being used for Michael Myers' mask in Halloween.

The godfather of the modern action figure, Marty Abrams, shared the fascinating story of his Mego Corporation. While Abrams remained diplomatic, Mego consultant Paul Clarke asserted their side of the infamous Star Wars story. Abrams did not pass on the Star Wars license; he was in Japan working on Micronauts and never had a meeting. In a "perfect storm," Kenner happened to be located in the same building and signed the deal before Abrams returned. He estimates it cost him billions of dollars. It was a riveting companion to the Kenner-centric Star Wars episode of Netflix's The Toys That Made Us. Abrams also revealed that a Micronauts TV series and movie are in development. The recently relaunched Mego is looking into more contemporary packaging and more play value to appeal to the younger demographic. They're also continuing to expand their licenses, with Star Trek: The Next Generation coming soon.

I attempted to attend the Stranger Things panel on Saturday evening, but my lack of a mysterious wristband - about which no advanced information was issued - prevented me from doing so. It was a blessing in disguise, however, as I used the spare time to score a front-row seat for Elijah Wood's Q&A. Despite being one of the headlining guests, Wood was in the smaller panel room, which quickly reached capacity.

Wood shared several anecdotes about The Lord of the Rings, confirming that the fellowship actors have matching tattoos and disclosing that he has never read J.R.R. Tolkien's source material. ("I lived the books," he quipped.) He revealed that although Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency is likely done for good, there have been talks of an animated continuation. He also expressed his desire to direct, stating that he would gravitate toward genre films. He cited The Thing, The Exorcist, Rosemary's Baby, Don't Look Now, Carrie, and The Innocents as his favorite horror films, with Goodnight Mommy, Hereditary, and The Witch being recent favorites. He even rushed off stage to hug a Canadian fan who drove over four hours to see Mandy - produced by Wood's SpectreVision - on the big screen.

Sunday morning kicked off with Christina Ricci's panel. A self-described "very different child," she hypothesized that being raised in a chaotic atmosphere led her to darker roles as a child actress, but playing those parts also impacted her. She cites Buffalo 66 and The Ice Storm among the roles she's most proud of. She loved the technical aspects of working on The Addams Family and considers herself particularly lucky to have worked with Raul Julia. When asked about playing Morticia in an Addams Family reboot, she said she'd be happy to, but it would make more sense for her to play an adult Wednesday. She also discussed making her debut at the age of 7 in a Saturday Night Live skit, an embarrassing experience filming Casper’s kissing scene in the early days of CGI, smoking her first cigarette with Winona Ryder on the set of Mermaids, and understanding the importance of Lizzie Borden upon appearing in New England that weekend.

Like his Star Trek co-star, George Takei was not accompanied by a moderator. He began by speaking about They Called Us Enemy, his new graphic novel about being imprisoned in a Japanese-American interment camp at the age of 5 following the bombing of Pearl Harbor, despite the fact that he and his family were born in America. The subject matter sadly remains relevant, but it was heartening to hear his resolve as well as the audience's reaction. The actor/activist also publicly revealed his support of Pete Buttigieg for the Democratic presidential nomination. He discussed how Star Trek has "lived long and prospered" for over 50 years before proudly speaking about his recent work on AMC's The Terror: Infamy, on which he served as a consultant in addition to acting. While answering fan questions, he shared a humorous anecdote about doing the Howard Stern show for the first time without knowing what he was getting into.

Rhode Island Comic Con marked comedy legend Chevy Chase's first convention, leading a Vacation family reunion, and saw the final public appearance of Sesame Street's former Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, Caroll Spinney. In addition to those mentioned, the guest list included Gaten Matarazzo (Stranger Things), Benedict Wong (Doctor Strange), Evanna Lynch (Harry Potter), Alfie Allen (Game of Thrones), Anthony Michael Hall (The Breakfast Club), Patrick Warburton (The Tick), Alex Kingston (Doctor Who), Robert Patrick (Terminator 2), Steven Yeun (The Walking Dead), Lou Ferrigno (The Incredible Hulk), Jaleel White (Family Matters), Richard Brake (Three from Hell), professional wrestling legend Mick Foley, and dozens more.

Beyond the impressive line-up of celebrity guests and a wide variety of vendors, Rhode Island Comic Con also featured comic book creators ranging from big names to indie up-and-comers, exclusive merchandise, after parties, kids activities, geek speed dating, and more. Cosplayers are always a highlight, so I was eager to catch the costume contest on Sunday afternoon. A great Buzz Lightyear - who nailed not only the costume but also the mannerisms - took home the grand prize, bringing the weekend’s fun to infinity and beyond.

Click here to see all of my Rhode Island Comic Con 2019 photos.

[bushyhairarchive]

SAMANTHA WARE? no, that’s actually HERMIONE GRANGER from the GOLDEN TRIO ERA. you know, the child of ALBERT GRANGER and GWENDOLYN GRANGER (NEÉ PUCKLE)? only 22 years old, this GRYFFINDOR alumni works as a EMPLOYEE FOR THE DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES and is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. SHE identifies as a CIS WOMAN and is a MUGGLEBORN who is known to be VINDICTIVE, INFLEXIBLE, and MEDDLESOME but also LEVELHEADED, STOUT-HEARTED, and SCHOLARLY. — &&. ( SARAH, PST, SHE/HER, 22. )

hermione was something of a miracle baby (and a complete surprise). they’d long since given up trying to conceive as her father was in his fifties and her mother was pushing forty. nevertheless, even though she was unexpected, her parents showered her with love and affection – they had always wanted a baby girl to call their own. hermione would be their one and only.

her parents named her hermione after the virtuous queen of sicily in shakespeare’s the winter’s tale and the hermione in greek mythology, and the name is derived from hermes, who was the messenger of the greek gods, as well as the god of wit, eloquence, and quick thinking. so it’s quite fitting for our favorite bookworm. her middle name is jean, which is a female variant of the name john, meaning “god is gracious”. i think it’s quite possible that hermione was coded as jewish (her appearance, how she faces oppression for her blood by the death eaters/voldemort which are analogies for the nazis/hitler/the holocaust, the fact that she isn’t shown to have a particular attachment to christmas and rarely goes home for the holiday, etc.). thus, i’ve headcanoned that she comes from an interfaith family; her mom is jewish and her dad is christian, and they raised her with both religions with the intention of letting her pick when she grew older. eventually, she chose judaism, and she had an adult bat mitzvah a while back. while she’s not very religious, she’s still very proud of her heritage. anyways, her parents didn’t actually name her jean because of its religious meaning; they actually named her after the narrator of to kill a mockingbird, jean louise “scout” finch. much like hermione, her parents have a great love for literature.

[ RACISM AND ANTI SEMITISM MENTIONS ] growing up, despite being upper middle class and an incredibly well-behaved child, she of course still experienced her fair share of racism due to her black and jewish heritage – dirty looks on the street by complete strangers, mean schoolchildren declaring her ugly for not meeting westernized beauty standards, shopkeepers keeping a watchful eye on her when she entered their stores, adults assuming she couldn’t possibly be as intelligent as her white peers. not only was it demoralizing to little hermione, it was enraging. she developed an overwhelming need to prove herself and her capabilities – she always had to work so much harder than white children to be properly recognized, but every year, she still outperformed everyone else. of course, young hermione was seen as rather swotty and insufferable by her classmates, so she grew up pretty unpopular. when she discovered she was a witch, she had hope that maybe, just maybe, she could escape to another world free of prejudice and racism, a world that would accept her.

but of course, the wizarding world was not quite as she dreamed it would be. there was still racism; it was merely towards a different group of people. mudblood. when draco malfoy first spat out that venomous word in reference to her, she didn’t immediately know just what it meant, but she understood well enough. she’d been called slurs before. and hermione was once again rattled with that familiar fury. she was top of her year, with an extraordinary amount of power, but still she was viewed by many as inferior. she vowed to prove her worth and become an instrument of change. she would fight for herself and her friends and her parents and the enslaved house elves and the other muggleborns, even if she was inwardly frightened for them all. [ END RACISM AND ANTI SEMITISM MENTIONS ]

because as we know, hermione might have been a know-it-all who seemed rather confident in her abilities, but in truth she was actually deeply insecure and terrified of failure. she somewhat grew out of this as the years went by – she’s proud of who she is and knows that she’s capable – but some of her insecurities still linger to this day.

she’s far more ruthless than she appears to be at first glance – this is the girl who destroyed marietta edgecombe’s face when she dared to betray the d.a., erased her parents’ memories, set a professor on fire, imprisoned rita skeeter in a jar and blackmailed her, and left umbridge to the centaurs to rot. while she does have a good sense of morals, she’s vindictive and will ultimately do what is necessary to achieve the right outcome. she honestly does not regret any of these actions – the ends justified the means in hermione’s opinion. (aka draco malfoy should consider himself lucky she only slapped his sorry arse so hard that he bruised)

[ ALZHEIMER’S/DEMENTIA MENTIONS ] once the dust had settled, hermione left her friends behind to search for her parents in australia. tracking them down took several weeks in and of itself, but once she finally found them, she quickly realized she had her work cut out for her. memory magic is an incredibly intricate process because it involves reconstructing the brain, and without proper training, it can easily go awry. she spent many days working on properly restoring their memories, and even after she was sure that she had done it perfectly, something was still wrong. the doctors diagnosed her father with early stage alzheimer’s. hermione mostly blames herself for this – her father’s well past middle aged, but perhaps his mind wouldn’t have deteriorated so much if she hadn’t cast those memory charms. she’s terrified that one day he’ll forget her name entirely, and there won’t be a way for even her to fix it. there are some things magic just can’t solve. [ END ALZHEIMER’S/DEMENTIA MENTIONS ]

she returned to hogwarts for her eighth year, determined to graduate with all o’s on her n.e.w.t.s, and of course she succeeded because she’s hermione and she buried herself in her schoolwork (partially as a distraction from her underlying trauma from all she’s faced). now she lives in a cozy flat that’s far away from the hubbub of the wizarding world so that she isn’t hounded by reporters whenever they step outside. being a war hero has made hermione quite famous (although not as well known as harry of course), and she doesn’t know how to handle it in the slightest. but she does use her newfound celebrity as a voice for the oppressed – house elves, werewolves, other muggleborns – because again, she’s hermione and she wouldn’t be hermione without her vehemence for social justice.

[ PTSD MENTIONS ] now she’s working as an employee for the department for the regulation and control of magical creatures, staunchly defending the rights of house elves. she’s completely immersed herself in her work, needing the diversion from her ptsd and the diminishing health of her father. she’s still fretting over her loved ones, asking them multiple times a week if they’re alright and reassuring them that she’s always here if they need a shoulder to lean on, but she hasn’t quite dealt with the fact that she isn’t alright, not by a long shot. she hasn’t properly grieved the people she lost, and she suffers from petrifying night terrors, and the worst ones are of bellatrix torturing her in malfoy manor. she has tried everything to remove or cover her mudblood scar, but as it was magically carved into her by a curse of bellatrix’s own creation, she wasn’t able to. eventually, she gave up, deciding she would wear it like a sign of her courage and resilience. but there are still those nights where she wakes up from a chilling nightmare, wailing and thrashing. she casts muffling charms on her room every night as a precaution. [ END PTSD MENTIONS ]