#i’ve always been afraid to say something bc i’ve just had Bad times in other places

[transmascissues]

it's silly but the biggest reason why im not into t yet is bc im so afraid of losing my hair. do you have any solutions/tips for it?

first of all, i don’t think it’s silly — it’s natural to be worried when hair loss is talked about by so many people as like…one of the worst results of aging for men. listening to my dad talk about how much he hates balding definitely did not make me feel particularly good about the knowledge that i may very well be joining him someday. i’m not saying the fear is right, because i don’t think hair loss is something awful that we should avoid at all costs, but it’s an understandable fear given the beauty standards we’re working with, and it’s one that a lot of us (myself included) feel.

one thing that’s helped me is just…paying more attention to the guys that i interact with on a daily basis. i’ve learned two things from it: 1) hair loss is super fucking common. i’d say it’s much harder to find an adult man who isn’t balding at all than it is to find one who’s completely bald. and 2) if you forget everything you’ve been told about how bad hair loss is, you’ll realize that quite frankly, every single one of those guys looks totally fucking fine. it doesn’t ruin their appearance and make them ugly, it looks totally natural and isn’t really even something you’d notice if you weren’t looking for it. we put so much weight on it but it’s really just not that big of a deal. i’ll hear my parents talk shit about men in my family who are losing their hair when i didn’t even notice a difference last time i saw them. it’s one of those things (like so many other appearance-related things) that you really only notice at all because you’ve been taught that you’re supposed to care about it.

this isn’t something i’ve done personally, but if you really want to desensitize yourself to the idea of it, embrace the time-honored queer tradition of just shaving your whole damn head! find out what you’d look like without hair, find out how you feel about it and what you can do that makes you feel good about your appearance without hair, test the waters while it’s still a temporary change and not something permanent. that way, it won’t feel like this big scary unknown, and you’ll actually have a frame of reference for your feelings about how you look without hair rather than accepting the societal assumption that you’ll inevitably hate it. if you don’t want to actually shave your head, you could also just fuck around with bald filters or photoshop and see what happens.

oh, and if you’re attracted to men, keep an eye out for guys who are bald or balding and also hot as fuck. in my experience, there’s no insecurity or potential future insecurity that being gay for other men hasn’t helped me with. just off the top of my head, i can think of a couple actors who i think are absolutely fucking gorgeous who have helped me get over my fears about losing my hair. despite what our anti-aging-obsessed world might want you to think, there is no such thing as a physical feature that automatically makes someone less attractive, and while making attractiveness less of a priority in your life is good, it can’t hurt to also give yourself some proof that actually, you might lose your hair and look hot as hell doing it.

basically, entertain the possibility that it won’t be a bad thing at all! whether that’s just because it turns out to be a neutral thing for you or because you end up actually liking it, it’s not an inherently bad thing. i’ve ended up liking a lot of things that were “supposed to” be bad effects of t — i love the weight i’ve gained and the new shape it gives my body, i get a lot of gender euphoria from the fact that my acne is now on parts of my face that i saw a lot of guys in high school get it and i’m not complaining about the scars i get from it either because i’ve always liked the added texture that acne scars give my skin, and so on. i think there’s a lot of joy to be had in the changes we’re taught to fear, once we look past that conditioning and actually explore how we feel about it.

but if it’s something you really don’t want and you just want to improve your chances of not having to deal with it, it’s not like there’s nothing you can do! products like finasteride (oral) and minoxidil (usually topical but i think there might also be oral versions) are pretty commonly used among trans guys, for the purpose of avoiding hair loss and for other reasons, and there are plenty of other anti-hair loss products out there (though i don’t know how effective any one of them might be). if it’s a big enough deal for you, you can just decide that you’ll go off of t if/when you start noticing signs of it, since no longer having higher t levels would stop the process in its tracks. and if you don’t find prevention options that work for you so it ends up happening, you can always explore different hair styles (judging by the pattern of hair loss i see in my family, i suspect that keeping my hair long would make it less obvious if i started losing mine), find your preferred method of covering it when you don’t feel good about it (personally i love a good beanie generally and would probably wear them a lot more if i didn’t have hair to worry about because my main complaint is the way they press my hair onto my neck), or just shave it all off if you don’t like the look of the partial balding but don’t mind a shaved head. the point being — you have options!

at the end of the day, whether you go on t or not, you’re going to see your body change as you age in ways that aren’t always going to be attractive to others or aesthetically pleasing to you. that’s just the reality of having a body. even if you never went on t, you’d get older and you might see your hair thin out even if you don’t bald, you’ll see your skin start to wrinkle and sag in places that used to be smooth, your metabolism might slow or your body fat might start to gather in new places; hell, you might lose your hair for a totally different reason and end up in the same place but without the benefits of having been on t that whole time. life is full of bodily changes like that. transphobes will fearmonger about the permanent changes of testosterone all day long but the truth is, there is no escaping permanent bodily changes. whether or not you go on t, your body now isn’t the same as it will be in 1 or 5 or 10 or 20 or 50 years, just like it isn’t the same as it was at any point in your life before now. our bodies are never supposed to stop growing and aging and changing throughout our lives. there’s no guaranteeing that we’ll love every single change our bodies go through, but that’s okay! there are so many things in life that are more important than the way our bodies look. even if you go on t and lose your hair and don’t like how it looks, your life won’t be ruined; plenty of other things will bring you joy and more than make up for the insecurities.

just think about the gender euphoria and relief from dysphoria that t could give you. would losing your hair be bad enough to outweigh all of that? or is it just the pressure of a society that decided balding is bad that’s making you fear one single change despite how much joy you could have if you let that fear go? only you can decide if going on t is worth the potential downsides for you, but i suspect that for most of us, the benefits of going on t far outweigh the possibility of side effects like hair loss happening down the line.

[lxclerc]

𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐜𝐚𝐭 𝐠𝐟 | 𝐚𝐥𝟏𝟐

summary… arthur is dating someone and his fans don’t like it request… yes but it’s for the og arthur girlie faceclaim… xowie jones pairing… arthur leclerc x reader

note… @coffeehurricanes have been begging me to make something for arthur since forever and i finally caved

𝙢𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

yourusername

liked by arthur_leclerc, lorenzotl and others

yourusername my “that’s her” pictures but it’s the pics my bf showed his mum

view all comments…

user1 girlie this isn’t something to be proud of

user2 she’s so cool and different and quirky and not like other girls !!!!!!!!!! do you want a cookie or sumthing?

lorenzotl can confirm! 😂

⤷ yourusername you loved me the moment you saw me, admit it

⤷ lorenzotl i admit it!

charles_leclerc maman nearly had a heart attack!!

⤷ yourusername then i became her fav 🤭

⤷ user7 pascale prolly can’t stand this bitch

user3 nah bc what the hell does she have on the leclerc brothers bc no way they genuinely like her dating arthur

arthur_leclerc and i wouldn’t have it any other way ❤️

⤷ yourusername idiot

⤷ arthur_leclerc *your* idiot

⤷ user4 arthur was being sweet and this bitch just insults him for no reason

⤷ user5 arthur blink twice if you’re being held captive

user6 so many jealous and mad bitches in this comment section. not so gentle reminder for yall that he’ll never date you in any universe lol ♡ liked by arthur_leclerc, charles_leclerc and 203 others

arthur_leclerc

liked by yourusername, pascale_leclerc and others

arthur_leclerc my beautiful, beautiful girl ❤️

view all comments…

user1 is the beautiful beautiful girl in the room with us?

user2 arthur wear red next weekend if she’s holding a gun to your head

user3 i could be a better girlfriend than her

yourusername i’ll always save my last chicken nuggy for you, mi amore

⤷ arthur_leclerc you must really love me 😌

⤷ yourusername don’t push it

⤷ user4 she just has to ruin every sweet moment

charles_leclerc really mate?

⤷ yourusername if you’re jealous, close your eyes

⤷ user8 girl what does charles have to be jealous about

user5 why do we even hate her? like has she done anything worth hating her for? or is it just bc she looks a little different than what’s considered as conventional and happened to be dating your white boy of the month?

⤷ user6 i think she’s really a bad influence on arthur and she publicly argues with a lot of people on twitter

⤷ user5 doesn’t she only argue with people who say shit abt arthur? i mean why isn’t she not allowed to defend her bf? also where’s your proof abt her being a bad influence on arthur

⤷ user7 bitches real quiet cause they’ve got nothing to use

arthur_leclerc

liked by charles_leclerc, lorenzotl, and others

arthur_leclerc i’ve let this go on long enough and now she’s gotten hurt. i have no words to express how disappointed i am of everyone who has ever said anything against y/n for no reason other than she is with me. she has done nothing to deserve the bullying she gets and yet she does nothing to any of you.

any hate i see about her will be automatically blocked. i would rather have no fans at all than have fans who can’t respect the woman i intend to spend my life with.

and if anyone do anything to her physically, i will retaliate worse than i did today. this is a warning.

and to @yourusername i’ve failed you, baby. i sat back and watch everyone bully you telling you to just ignore it all and you didn’t deserve that. i will spend the rest of my life making up to you.

view all comments…

charles_leclerc i am so proud of you for taking a stand, brother. y/n does not deserve any of this

lorenzotl fully behind the two of you 🤍

user1 arthur has had enough on all of your bullshits and it’s time yall knew it

user2 he let yall know he’s not afraid to throw hands

user3 where yall loud mouthed ass bitches now????

yourusername i love you more than words

⤷ arthur_leclerc i will love you better now, baby

user4 it’s always seemed so fucking stupid how much hates she gets for literally no reason

[fuumiku]

They’re really interesting foils in many ways. I’ve always thought that Marcille & Mithrun have underrated dynamic potential. Give me the cringefail dungeon lords. Give me the elves with ears-centric metaphorical self-image issues. Give me the academic elites whose deepest strongest desires will always remain unreachable and the only option is to turn to the corrupt forbidden fruit of a demon pact. I am so so normal about Mithrun and Marcille

I wonder if the resemblance between captain Mithrun and general Hagreus aka Marcille’s fave in Dalclan is intentional… They definitely look very alike. It could represent idealization vs reality? Something something the romanticization of elves and their societal drama in their fiction vs a very real and imperfect product of their military system. The canaries certainly aren’t glamorous next to whatever Hagreus is the general of. I feel like she never had the opportunity to notice the resemblance herself bc within seconds of meeting him he was wrestling her on the ground but. If she had… She would so think he should have been his actor in the tallman stage play of Daltian Clan in that new extra comic hehe. I love the little details like Hagreus’ lips being drawn with extra details because they’re full and pretty while Mithrun’s lips are drawn with extra details because they’re chapped lmao.

This art is all silly and surface level but in my head mithrille is like so dramatic and I make up daltian clan level big plots with them gbdgd. I made a spotify playlist for mithrun if y’all interested, rn it’s mostly centered around cravings that consume and losing yourself and illusions inspired from his time as dungeon lord but it’s branching out. Varied vibes, levels of intensity and degrees of confusion and await you ✨ I would emotionally rant about Chainsaw Man ost lyrics and how they tie in with Mithrun and the winged lion’s relationship but this post is already a monster

I want more of these two please please please pleaseee just one or two interactions in the new canon content coming up… All they ever did was debate philosophy on desires and human self-fulfillment and try to murder each other, please… I never get to gush about them and I can’t shut up so if you want more thoughts I talk about them more below

To get a girl to peacefully accept arrest follow these simple steps: in private, ominously stand above her and forcefully interrogate her, while in public, tell her you’ve met before (untrue and also not a pickup line, you’re just face blind) and interrogate her with a thin veneer of decorum. If all else fails, threaten and follow through on said threat. My guy needs more than just physical therapy I’m afraid

Sorry if most of these were Marcille-centric with Mithrun standing there looking cool, if I were doing these more from Mithrun’s pov things would be like "She’s a bit much but I guess I don’t mind hanging around her." or "Oh you’re a half-elf? -insert elven supremacist rethoric-" or "I have to keep her from becoming demon stew." immediately followed by "Did someone say demon? Kill kill kill kill kill" since these are set prior to like really knowing another. Then things would be more like "huh she has bad tastes in novels but her magic research is pretty interesting" and "I’m lonely and don’t understand myself— Oh she loves talking about feelings? Oh shi-" That last one is an aspect of why I like Marcille and Mithrun’s potential dynamic lol. She’s very… Emotionally intelligent alongside being impulsive. You think you have no feelings because the world has beaten them out of you? Think again!! Marcille be upon ye! -In a therapy sort of way but mostly in a connecting with people and your own self through interpersonal relationships and talking kinda way. I just think a lively, upbeat, annoying friend way too interested in your personal life would do him good, the canaries are nice but like if Marcille went to prison and was a sort of extra new bunkmate I think that’d be interesting and fun to read is what I’m saying

Unlike Kabru she wants all the useless messy filler of his backstory, eating chips while listening. Like two chibi sets side by side, "me and my fellow canaries, name name and name-" "Hold on we don’t need to know that." Vs "Then we were to sleep on the third floor of the dungeon, which had the look of a mausoleum, and name and name got into a fight over the campfire placement." while Marcille is like uh-huh what next what next while kicking her feet. She thinks of pre-dungeon pompous Mithrun and is like omg you went through a character arc and become better as a person- and then he opens his mouth and she’s like nevermind let’s keep working on that. She would also go "ew ur hair is greasy" and give him a full hair care treatment. What I’m saying is I need them to be forced to spend time in a dungeon together and become besties through a life or death roadtrip

Marcille is insecure about her ears, long, like an elf’s pride should be, but rounder, inelegant. Seeing Mithrun though, the epitome of beauty, with his half-cut ears make it a sillier thought. Not sure if Mithrun is the best person to reconnect with ur elven culture with but it sure is an option Marcille would so appreciate being around someone both cool headed and kind, I genuinely think they’d get along, like not that Senshi isn’t that too most of the time but I think Mithrun would be in a way that’s more refreshing to her. I’d be so curious about them discussing Dalclan, I doubt he’d have read it but she could make him read it, maybe post-canon with the excuse that they’re trying to find him a new hobby hah. He’d tear into the writing and everything but it’d be a fun time, I like to think that it’d make him a bit less prejudiced. Marcille @ Mithrun "👉👈 Soo maybe you don’t know these books they’re pretty recent having come out 50 years ago but…"

I’ve been in a Mithrun phase I want to make and read Mithrun-centric fics and angst so baaad. I razz him a lot here but he’s literally a traumatized military man that became obsessed with revenge due to bad coping and neglects himself in the process idk not much for him going on and some of it is because he has to work on himself, but hey no one’s perfect it all comes from a place of love and relating though I prommy. He’s the one ungodly angsty squeaky toy blorbo with brain damage rep I have don’t take him from me

[rinbowaman]

Hey! Its my first time sending an ask hehe~ I just wanted to say that you’re such an amazing writer and your series are just sooooo good!!! 😍😍😍 I started getting into your account when I came across the smau for MRE and HHP and I gotta say, you got me hooked so bad onto Heethan that I end up loving all your Hee-leads so far! I’m so invested in HHP, SE7EN, DT and now TO! I’m honestly so excited to read a new chapter everytime you post hahaha! 🤭🤭

The main reason I wanted to send you this is cuz I’ve been having super stressful and bad days these past few days and its mainly cuz its my final year in college, final semester and final week actually 😅 and there’s just like sooo many final preparations needed to be done for my big final year project (having my big presentation today! soooo nervous) and its just been too much and too overwhelming for me and I didn’t wanna bother anyone with my anxiousness so I’ve been keeping it all to myself and having slight panic attacks and just started having random breakdowns as I complete my assignments. Reading your series, whether its new chapters or just rereading older ones have given me comfort, like I really felt alone but its like Heethan, Heelel and the Heebros have become my comfort characters. It’s just been so overwhelming for me and I didn’t wanna bother my family with it, I only have one other friend that I trust with my whole life but rarely see her, we’re all busy and I just felt like I’m falling behind in everything. Even though the Hee-leads might be like crazy obsessed with the reader, its like I really needed them in my life just to have someone to drop everything just to hold and comfort me anytime life becomes too much for me. I’m actually crying while writing this to you hahaha… it just feels like everyone around me is moving so fast and I’m stuck at the back picking myself up just because I feel so overwhelmed and anxious easily. Turning 20 this year is another thing that has me feeling afraid of adulthood, my mum is pressuring me into getting a job immediately once I graduate but I just feel like I’m not ready, or I’m just not ready to give up my teenage freedom and socialise professionally. Being such an introvert and shy and always thinking I’m just dumb and cant do work without help has been holding me back from wanting to grow and enjoy this new chapter in life.

So sorry for this long ass rant but i just really needed to let you know how much your stories, your Hee-leads have been keeping me going. Excited for the next chapters of your series! Hope you’re having a great day❣️

Omg so....I LOVE THIS.....this is so heartwarming and thank you for sharing it with me. Also, thank you for discovering my blog so you can write this to me, bc as you may have figured, receiving asks are just....its so nice. its a nice and wonderful surprise to hear from readers interesting in my work, wanting to know more about the characters and so forth. I am just beyond touched that heethan, heelel, and heebrows have made their way into your heart and to provide you comfort. in fact, reading your message had reminded me of a piece that i had started to draft (it was originally supposed to be a part of one of the HHP chapters but i never went through with it) but i still had it in my folders so after i finished reading your message, I decided to go back and actually finish it and format it specifically for you as y/n. I hope you like it. <3

Heeseung's Message.....

MDNI18+ content below the line.

Warnings: mentions of losing loved ones, fears and worries about the future, smut, car smut, unprotected smut, some....just some sadness....its a very heartwarming and touching piece.

"What's wrong baby?"

Noting how silent you were in the car, right after he picked you up, Heeseung rubbed your thigh, gently shifting your skirt upwards as he softly slid his hand up and down, enveloping you with warmth and comfort. "Something on your mind pretty baby?"

Placing your hand on his, you grabbed hold semi-tightly, keeping your gaze out at the window. You were hesitant at first, noting that Heeseung had a busy schedule of his own, was on his way of finishing his last year in college, aiding his professors, and of course, there was you....picking you up from classes, dropping you off every morning, taking you wherever you needed to go. You appreciated it but the man had completely devoted his time to everything else, you felt it selfish to bring any matters up to him....feeling that whatever time he did have left within the evening, he should at least have it for himself.

"It's nothing." You sighed out.

Glancing over to you, he furrowed his brows and quickly shifted the wheel, stirring the car over to a nearby parking lot on one of the campus buildings.

"What are you....?" raising up in your seat, you looked around before turning your gaze over to Heeseung, who steered the wheel with one hand and in a smooth motion, parked the car. Unbuckling his seatbelt, his gaze meets with yours before he reaches up and places his hand behind your head, softly grabbing onto your hair as he leans in and rests his forehead against yours.

"Whats wrong? Did something happen? Did someone hurt you? I wanna know. Tell me, y/n."

His eyes were wide and his expression was fierce with rage, however, before he further ventured off into a spiraling path of unhinged presumptions, you reached up and latched your fingers onto his collar, placing a dainty kiss on his lips. "Its not that....I promise nothing like that happened."

Raising his brows and tilting his head, he releases the gentle grip he had on your hair, and replaced it with a soft, petting motion. "Then why are you being so quiet? You seem upset, what is it?"

Looking down at the console for just a second, you raise your sights once more to meet his and began talking.

".....Are you ever scared about the future, Heeseung?"

His face was taken slightly aback as he raised both brows and looked at you with an intent look.

"Is that what this is about? Are you feeling overwhelmed about moving?"

Shaking your head, you looked down once more as you shyly clarified. "Nooo.....its not just that....its more..."

"Like what baby?"

"Like....after the moving.....finishing college, being in an unfamiliar country, not knowing anybody, making new friends, meeting your family, being apart from mine, learning a new language, finding a job after college, and what if I have to do more college? Or ...." pausing, you caught yourself drifting in verbal thought.

"Or....?" He draws out as he bids you to finish your statement.

"Or........what if....what if something happens and we........you know.....what if we just...."

Squinting his eyes slightly, his expression looked a little irked as he rolled his tongue in his mouth. "That's never going to happen y/n. You know that."

"Yeah but....."

"But what?" Slightly annoyed, he closed his eyes for a second, tilted his chin down, and lifted his lids to expose a rather stern and rather angry look. Yet the moment he saw that your eyes began to glisten, shining like diamonds as the tears started to build up, you looked down once more, unable to look him square in the eye as you felt the first tear break free and drip down on the leather padding of the console.

Watching as you faintly sobbed, he nearly felt his heart break into two. He gasped out a faint breath as he reached over with his other hand and cupped your face, no longer expressing a look of annoyance.

"Hey......why? What's making you think that way? Am I not showing you enough love? You know whatever it is you want, all you have to do is tell me and I'll make it happen."

"Its not that i just........there's just some things we can't predict about the future Heeseung......what if some day......what if you stop loving me......or worse.....what if something happens and I no longer have you? What if....just.......you never know.....is it wrong for me to hope for the best, but expect the worse? Because...you know that life can be so unfair some times....and I....I....I'm scared because....I dont even know....what I'm scared of sometimes. I wake up every single morning not even knowing how to live life because there's so many things that I think about....so many things that are thrown at me all at once and I just.....I feel like sometimes......I might fail......I feel like sometimes.....I will let you down.......I feel like its not the world, its me.........its me that's broken, not you or anyone else."

You gasped out tears and soft cries as you spoke straight from the heart. For the first time, Heeseung had sincerely considered if going to Korea was the best option, at least just for a second before he reminded himself of the future that he had waiting for him.....a future that would allow him to continue to keep you....safe....and with him.

Shifting his sights around on the floor bed of the car, his thumbs stroke your cheeks, wiping away the continuous flow of tears that were now coming down harder than before. Gulping down a hard swallow, he turns back to face you.

"Baby.........look at me....please look at me."

Looking up into his gaze, your eyes red, swollen, with eyelashes drenched and your face stained with wet trails of all your fears leaving their mark. With a soft smile, he calmly speaks.

"You're right.....that is tough. There's a lot that we can't control in the future....its precarious, and we're literally just pawns on the board of this silly game called life, where God and the universe are taking turns making each move. It can be cruel, unfair, and tormenting. Its something that we can either overcome with great strife and hard work."

"But what happens if we work so hard and it.....it just doesnt work out? What if everything just falls apart Heeseung?"

"We wont know unless it happens y/n......the thing about the future, as much as we want it here in the present, so we can see and view what it has in store for us, thats....just not the way it works. That's not the way we work....we're not designed to know those things. We didn't become strong because we cheated, we became strong and survived because we, as humans, learned....the hard way."

Looking into his eyes, your vision started to become blurry all over as the next set of tears built up. Smiling as he continued to wipe your tears away, he continues.

"Y/n....for thousands of years, people have fallen, lost, and suffered at the creativity of the universe. Yet we never gave up......people had an urge to survive. Which is why at times, even when the entire world was on fire, times where a soldier never comes home, a woman loses her child, or when a doctor just doesnt have a cure.....we keep moving....we get back up and learn how to walk again. I can't sit here and tell you that I know that everything is going to be great.....I dont know. But what I do know.....is this...."

Shifting his hands down to your waist, he lifts you with his core strength as his abdominal muscles flexed under his shirt. Bringing you over onto his lap, he sat you down in a princess style as he cradled you against his chest.

"No matter what happens....I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there and I'm going to help you, just like you're going to help me. I'll never let anything happen to you....and.....you never have to worry about me not loving you .....noooooooo pretty baby......that's never going to happen, not loving you would be the worst offense against Heaven and humanity. As far as if anything were to happen to me...."

The moment Heeseung touched on that part of the subject, you sobbed uncontrollably against his neck.

"Heeeeeey, come on now. Nothing's even happen, why are you acting like that's a for sure thing?" he chuckles out as he kisses your forehead. "Listen..." Taking your hand in his, he continues.

"I'm not going anywhere......I'm not. I know this because I know what is living for me......you. I will never abandon you. Even if something did happen, you know i'm always going to be with you. You know how?"

Shaking your head, he brushes your hair away from your face.

"Moments like this baby. Every time we talk, touch, feel each other, love, eat, sleep, kiss, and when I fuck your brains out...." gripping onto your waist tightly, he presses his forehead against your own once more. "All the things we do, they never leave. So.......if there is ever a time where I am not physically here......you're always going to remember how i feel..." gliding his hand from your waist, he reaches down and gently trails it upwards under your skirt, his fingers reaching into your panties.

"You're going to remember my touch..." kissing your neck, he latches his mouth onto your soft spot under your ear, and rings the tip of his tongue around in slow circular motions.

"You're going to remember my scent...." with his free hand, he reaches behind your head and gently pushes your face inward, causing your nose to become burrowed in his thatch of dark long, shaggy hair, inhaling the scent of his cool-mint cologne and his shampoo.

"You'll also remember what I taste like...." placing a soft peck on the spot he was sucking on, he tilts his head up slightly and brings your head down to kiss him.

"And best of all......pretty baby.......you're going to remember what it feels like when I fuck you......when I love you." Shifting your body to face forward, your back completely spooned by his chest and groin as you both remained seated in the drivers side, he spreads your legs open by pushing our inner thighs apart. You were so caught up with the sensual four play, you hadn't realized that he tore off your panties. Unbuttoning your blouse, exposing your breasts, he shifts you up as he levels his length to align with your slit, before proceeding to enter inside you. Feeling full of his flesh, you moaned out as the overwhelming sense of pleasure hits you........taking you away from the abysmal depths of your fears and worries.

Steadying you in a reverse cowgirl position, filing you, his cock melts inside you as he begins thrusting slow and steady, picking up the pace as your walls become more moist.

"You feel me pretty baby?"

"Y-yes!"

"Yeah? You gonna remember me forever?"

"Y-yes...yes! He-Heeseung!"

"You gonna remember what this feels like?"

"Yes!"

"What does it feel like baby? Tell me."

"F-f......fe-feels......ssss......goood......soo....soo.goood....ugh!"

"Harder or faster baby?"

"ugh! both! please both!"

Thrusting repeatedly, your body falls limp as he holds you upright, with one arm wrapped around your waist, and his other hand shifting a grip between your neck and your exposed breast, he muffles your moans and screams with his mouth as he swallows every single bit of your precious tones.

"Gonna cum for me?"

"Y-ye.....yes!...yes.......ugh! He-Heeseung!"

"Yeah? You gonna cum because you're a good girl?"

"Mmm!mmmmmm....mmmhmmm!....ugh!"

"You my good girl?"

"Y....yes!!"

"Yeah you are.......now fucking cum on me. Let me feel it."

Adding more depth to each thrust, you gasped out your screams of pleasure as he rams his cock deep inside, separating new found walls and extracting the moisture out of your body. Reaching orgasm and releasing all over his member, your thighs shake relentlessly.

"Good girl.....my turn."

Cupping your lower tummy, he pushes in and feels his thick length as it slides in and out, he found it amusing how your sensitive body could take him like this, especially feeling it inside you as he was doing right now. Jacking his member deep inside you at a rapid and hard momentum, he finally reaches his moment and with one last punctured thrust, he bucks his hips upward as he shoves you down, mashing your bodies together as he releases inside and fills your body up.

Pulling your head back as he latches his mouth on your neck yet again, suckling as your body bounces rigorously from the tenacity of his performance.

Feeling the pleasure of his tainted love, you somehow were to understand his message clearly, all due to Heeseung extracting you from your fears......which he had done before, back when Samuel sent you his email......back when you and Heeseung came together for the first time.....the start of your guys story. Just as he did back then, he helped you to understand, that the reality of what life gives, is never necessarily the ending to your story. The more he kept pumping into you, the more you were reminded of that clarity. Yea sure, you still felt scared, but knowing that if at first you dont succeed....reach happiness.....or if things just dont work out, you can and should always, try-try again. A lesson you were always reminded of, all thanks to Heethan.

Authors note: Lol, sooooooo...yeah this original draft did have some smut....and i was going to take it out but it was too crucial for me to do so. I hope you dont mind that. But, this chapter was originally drafted, back a few months ago. I had this thought in my head, since I have only taken a few college courses, and am about to start back up on it, I was feeling so dreadful and felt too nervous about doing well. I want to succeed in reaching my educational goals....but what also kind of bugged me was....will i still find time to write? I love writing, truly do. Mainly because it brings other people joy and brings out their most inner feelings. I had so much on my mind that time that i had began drafting this, but as i was writing it, i left it unfinished bc honestly, when i drafted heethan's message.....literally its like his voice was telling me what to write....i felt better. like it was a nice little reminder....realistic...very rational....and honest...but still positive and holds truth. there's a lot of things we can't control, but we should never give up. Its okay to be scared and to worry, that's natural, and that is exactly why people such as myself are here, writing these chapters and stories for you all because i know that there is such a thing called 'life' and sometimes....we just need a break from it to refresh ourselves. I know you have alot on your plate, but dont worry because everything will be more than fine. We have to pace ourselves, work hard, but also rest, and play from time to time. Eat and drink well, and finish strong. finish college, work with your mother and teach her to work with you, if you dont get the job you really want, no big deal. no matter what job you get, if its one you dont want, nothing lasts forever. just think that whatever you do now, it is only making you more marketable for the dream goal you have. I hope you continue strong because while you do have alot on your plate, you've been slaying....you've been killing it! and that's a major accomplishment in itself, last of year of college? woohoo! finish strong!

So now i should apologize for responding with the longest post ever lol. but i really hope this makes you feel better. Reading your message had reminded me of this piece and i am so glad you sent it to me because....looking at it now...and actually finishing it......this was something that was meant to be published and shared. bc it holds an important message for all of us. <3

Enjoyed this piece? Show love and treat your girl to a cup of coffee. ♥️ 

☕ Ko-fi: ko-fi.com/reinbow

[theeblackmedusa]

through your eyes

a/n: @designbydae thank you for this prompt!🩷your mind >>>

i decided to write this with richonne bc it seems very them

Prompt: "Can you write something about two people who have the bright idea to trade eyes so they can see themselves from the other person's perspective? Ideally they're in love but any other details are up to you. Who started the conversation? Do they both think it's a good idea? What are the chances that things could go wrong???...I just think it would be a neat concept if it was something that could happen on real life. Imagine how intimate it would be to feel your lovers eyes in your body or to really see your own body for the first time"

warnings: minors dni as always, language, don't ask me what universe this is set in bc idk lol i just known i love this prompt, fluff and angst, richonne loving each other

wc: 836

Rick didn't have the highest self esteem anymore. In his old life, he was a standout. Handsome, strong, capable. Now, all he saw when he looked at himself was a murderer. A bad man.

He’s killed. A lot. He’s sure that at this point, he’s unredeemable.

He tried to tell her that, tried to let her know that she can't possibly be making the right inference about who he is and the things that he's done, but every time, she told him that she knew what she saw.

She’d made the suggestion one night when he was wallowing in his self-hatred, trying to convince her to get away and to run as far as possible to save herself from his darkness.

I just want you to see what I see, Rick. Just…give it a try for me?

He’d so hesitantly agreed, unable to believe that she saw anything good when she looked at him. He trusted her. He’d put his life in her hands. But, he couldn't shut off the evil voice in the back of his mind telling him that she'd been lying to him the whole time.

More than anything, he wanted to please Michonne, so if him looking at himself through her eyes would make her happy, he’d drink a damn potion and take a look in the mirror.

Now, they were both standing in front of the bathroom mirror with closed eyes as they worked up the courage to open them. As excited as Michonne was to know what Rick saw when looking at her, she knew that something like this could go wrong. What if she didn't really want to know what he really thought? Rick was in the same boat, nervous to find out if that voice in his head had been right the entire time.

“I…I’m going to look,” Michonne finally spoke, breaking the silence that they’d been standing in for God knows how long.

“Thought we were lookin’ together.”

“Then, you look, too.”

Another beat of silence.

“I’m afraid,” he admitted, voice weak and wavering.

“You shouldn't be. This will only prove what I’ve been telling you.”

More silence.

“Alright. I’m ready,” he told her slowly.

“On three?”

1.

2.

3.

Michonne opened her eyes, which were now a piercing shade of blue, and looked at herself in the mirror. She was the most beautiful that she'd ever seen herself, surrounded by a haze of pink and lavender. She was…glowing and she felt her heart skip a beat as she looked at herself.

Emotions were overwhelming her. Admiration, adoration, love…they were all rushing through her when she looked from Rick’s point of view. She allowed herself a smile and she could swear it's never shone so bright.

“This is what you see? I look…perfect?”

She was truly shocked. Sure, she was a confident person, but she had her insecurities. Looking with Rick’s eyes, however, she couldn't spot a single problem with herself.

Rick had yet to respond to her, and she was growing concerned.

She let her gaze flicker to his reflection and her mood changed immediately. Loathing replacing love and abhorrence taking the place of adoration. Her heart broke for him, hating that this was how he felt when he saw himself.

“Rick,” her voice was shaky as if she might cry. “Rick, say something.”

She was hoping that her eyes weren't failing him, that he felt the same amount of love for him that she did when looking through her eyes.

“Rick-”

“I, uh, I don't…this is…new,” he finally spoke.

He didn't quite know how to place what he was feeling as he looked through Michonne’s deep brown eyes. His reflection was flickering between pink and a deep red glow. He didn't feel dark and scary anymore. That voice had finally stopped its raving about how bad he was. Instead, a softer one had replaced it, words like “strong” and “brave” and “nurturing” coming to mind instead of “killer” or “unworthy”.

“Rick, you have to know that what you see…that isn't real. None of it's true. You have to know that. I need you to know that.”

As she continued looking at him through those icy eyes of his, she could feel the shadows leaving her. That hatred had shifted into acceptance, and she couldn't be more relieved to know it.

It wasn't completely fixed, but it was progress. He was adjusting, learning that what he’d been seeing in himself wasn't really him. That was enough for her. She could work with that.

“I love you, Rick. I mean that,” she told him.

“I love you, too. God, I love you,” he exhaled, still staring at his reflection.

They stood in silence once more, taking in their reflections with the eyes of their lover. Neither of them know how long they’d been standing there letting passion and love flow through them, but it was Michonne who broke the silence again.

“I think I want to keep your eyes,” she joked. “I look hot. I mean…really hot.”

[quivm]

— Together till we're not.

Isagi x gn reader angst content!! minors can interact. no spoilers. no specific time settings (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ

wc: 0.9k

genre + content warnings:

angst, sfw, breaking up, hospital, mention of injury regarding stairs, bad bf

notes!! hello quinn here sorry for not posting in a while! i made a medium ish post as a sorry almost 1k. i maybe want to do a part 2 at some time for this bc i love angst. this beta read/edited my the amazing @misiiio_x on ao3 ( check her out her work is amazing ). repost are appreciated ty <3 (๑•ᴗ•๑)♡

The bleakness of the apartment swallowed you up.

The walls hung with distant memories and past emotions crying for you to reach out again, to him. The door crashed open, a minute reaction was all that came to you.

“You’re late again.” The words could barely cross the barrier of your lips. You were hesitant to say something. Afraid for the response, afraid for the fight, maybe even afraid of Isagi himself. What this relationship had become, what he’d become.

“You know I’ve been at practice.”

The cheers coming from the TV almost blocked the annoyance that radiated from his voice. His tone was business formal as usual, one couldn’t even think you were anything more than acquaintances.

“I know but why are you back at 10pm…practice ends at 6?” The words jumbled in your mouth, tears pooling and threatening to spill as they always do.

Both of you knew the answer to the question, the very question which continued to wreck your thoughts. The question not an ounce of reassurance could overcome, the goliath that wouldn’t fall in your relationship, the very plague filling your head with delusions. The trophies lining the wall made sure of that.

For the first time in this bleak night you faced the man you came to love all those moons ago. Your very own starboy, all grown up. Different but the same, yours but just quite out of reach. Broken, choked sobbing was all that came out at sight of his defiant self in front of you. Steadying yourself you mumbled, “Am I even enough for you?”

Finally, at your words his stoic facade fell away.

“What?”

Dumbfoundness was all Isagi could muster. The porcelain walls around your relationship finally seemed to splinter under all the pressure, the truth waiting to burst through.

“Am I enough, Starboy?”

Starboy, the nickname Isagi got all those many moons ago, originally represented your love for him and his dream and your love for each other. It was meant to show his potential to go the same very stars up in the night sky, to help him believe it. However, now it was a remnant of the past, a forgotten relic of another time. Some time ago the nickname was scrapped because of a fight that occurred because of the same reason as this, you found it nothing but ironic.

His quiet demeanour caught you off guard, so you asked again.

“Am I truly enough for you?”

Were you this repulsive to him? Did he want to see you fall this low, the absurdity of it all made you scoff while fat tears slid down your cheeks.

As desperately as you wanted the answer to be yes, that you were enough and he loved you, no matter how much you needed it, you both knew the reply. The silence that came next knocked the wind out of you. This meticulous world you built collapsed around you, no catharsis, just an endless stream of grief and betrayal flooded in.

“I KNEW IT YOU SHITTY BASTARD!”

Your screams echoed against the walls, the same apartment that was supposed to be the first stepping block in your relationship. The sight for some time had started to make you feel sick, it reminded you of promises he had never tried to fulfil for you. You didn’t know what to do, whether to cry and scream or fall in a heap on the floor, rip everything in sight apart?

Where did everything go wrong you wondered, what had you done that made you deserve this, what karma was this fulfilling. In blue lock Isagi unlocked his ego, his insatiable hunger for football– for winning. But of course, why on earth would that ring alarm bells for a dumb girl who was completely infatuated and lovestruck? Isagi was your world, his dream was equally yours. You’d let go of so much, the long practices, the missed dinners, the heated arguments over football, but no they weren't the worst. That wasn’t what broke you.

October 21, you fell down the stairs, the date of one of Isagi’s team matches and landed up in the hospital. The first thing you woke up to was not your attentive and loving boyfriend who you would have dropped everything for. But, Isagi captivated by the TV, almost as pale as the walls with anxiety, but not because of you in the hospital gown bandaged up but because of the fact his team was losing.

“Why today?” You vividly remember him saying.

Deep down you knew he was actually angry with you for getting hurt and taking him away from the game, and for a split second while bandaged up in a hospital bed you wanted to feel guilty for causing a blip in his winning streak for this season. You never forgot those two words; they tore your soul apart, and every day after your love for Isagi spilled out with nowhere to go.

Eventually, there just wasn’t any left.

It was apparent that football was Isagi's love in life and you would only be a fool to try and measure up to it.

[thelunarbar]

So Few Come And Don’t Go

:Patience series part four:

In which: they receive their second placement and hard conversations are had.

Word count: 3506(it’s a long one)

TW: illusions to abuse. I can’t think of any others but if you see any let me know and I’ll be sure to tag them.

A/N: this came out way longer than expected. Also I feel like I’m lying to y’all bc I said this wasn’t gonna be super angsty and legit every part has been angsty. I don’t know where all the angst came from, but the story refuses to get as fluffy as I wanted it to. And the other parts I’ve got planned are also pretty angsty. Sorry. As always no beta we die like goose. And a fun fact for y’all I almost always misspell naval as navel which are in fact two very different things.

-/-/-/-

Ice is sitting at the table, hands folded, phone laying before him. He hasn’t been able to breathe properly since the call. The second his eyes meet Mav’s he deflates. Ice doesn’t know what Mav sees in his eyes, but he doesn’t seem to like it.

“Are you ok? You look like you might pass out.” Mav drops his keys on the table and steps around so he can place both hands on Ice’s cheeks. Ice grabs one of them and squeezes gently.

“They have another placement for us.” Ice finally tells him.

“Oh.”

“Her name’s Natasha. She’s fifteen and pregnant. No one will take her in. Not since she found out she was pregnant.”

“We will.” Mav says, voice firm. His heart breaks at the knowledge that no one wants to help this poor girl. Ice smiles at him.

“We will.” Ice agrees. “She’ll be here by dinner.”

“We need to go shopping!” Mav’s eyes light up and Ice gets that puddly feeling he’s come to associate with loving Mav. Mav tugs him from his chair, grabs his keys and pulls him toward the door.

“I love you.” Ice says. Mav stops to turn and look at him, study his face.

“I love you too.”

-/-/-/-

Mav goes a little crazy with the shopping, but Ice has no plans to stop him. They buy things for Natasha and a few things for her baby with plans of buying more.

The bedroom is still decorated from when they were expecting Josie so they take some time to adjust it for an older girl. The picture books and easy readers are carefully placed in boxes and shoved into the hall closet for a later date. They fill the shelves instead with some classics and a few of the current popular books for kids Natasha’s age as well Mav’s old record player and bin of vinyl.

They also purchased a selection of toiletries for her and a duffel bag, which was something that only occurred to them after Bob showed up with the saddest excuse of duffel bag either of them had ever seen.

Mav wishes he could do more to customize to Natasha’s likes, but that will have to wait until they get to know her.

At ten to five Ice starts prepping dinner, just a casserole and rolls, nothing fancy, but it’s still a homecooked meal.

Natasha and her social worker show up at five thirty. Natasha is carrying a black trash bag, holding it like she’s afraid they’ll take it from her. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail that does nothing to hide how matted it is. Her clothes are dirty, full of small holes and threadbare around the edges and her shirt is small enough that it does nothing to hide her small baby bump. She refuses to make eye contact with either of them.

Her social worker, Mira, smiles apologetically as she encourages Natasha to walk inside.

“Natasha these are the Kazanskys.” Mira says, resting her hand on Natasha’s shoulder. Mav doesn’t miss the way Natasha flinches at the contact.

“You can call me Tom.” Ice smiles and starts to offer her his hand, but stops when she doesn’t do more than glance up.

“I’m Pete.” Mav introduces himself. Natasha doesn’t say anything. “Why don’t I show you where you’ll be sleeping?” Mav suggests, smiling at her even though she has yet to look at him. She nods though and follows him up the stairs.

-/-/-/-

“Thank you so much for taking her in on such short notice. No one will take her now for fear she’ll be a bad influence in their kids and none of the in between houses have any space available.” Mira says, there are dark circles under her eyes.

“Of course.” Ice says giving her a smile. Mira starts rifling through the bag hanging off her arm. She pulls out a manila folder and offers it to him.

“That should have all the information you need, including all the info for her doctor.” Ice nods, flipping it open and scanning the first page.

“Thank you.” He tells her. She smiles, tired and sad.

“Mm. My number is in there. Feel free to call any time if you questions or . . . anything. I’ll check in in a few days.” With another tired smile she leaves.

-/-/-/-

Upstairs Natasha stands in the doorway to her bedroom, taking in all the details.

“Are-are you sure?” She asks, voice soft and tinged with fear. Mav understands and smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring way.

“Absolutely. We’ll take you clothes shopping at some point in the next couple days. And there’s a gift for you on the desk.” He nods at the large pastel gift bag covered in zoo animals and emblazoned with the words Oh Baby! Hesitantly Natasha steps into the room, trash bag still clutched in her hand. She shuffles over to the desk and carefully peers down into the gift bag. She gasps and let’s her bag drop to the floor beside her. She begins examining things from the bag, mostly neutral colored baby clothes, but there’s also a package of diapers, a soft yellow blanket and couple packages of gender neutral pacifiers.

“Wh-why?” She asks, turning to Mav, blanket held to her chest.

“Well, we figured you probably didn’t have anything for your baby, so we thought we’d at least help you get a start.” Her eyes are glassy with tears and Mav wants so badly to pull her into a hug, but he won’t initiate physical contact until she does.

“You-you didn’t have to do this.” She says, glancing back at the gift bag, guilt is written across her features and Mav hates it. “And you don’t need to take me clothes shopping.”

“We want to.” He promises. “We’re here to take care of you.” She holds the blanket a little tighter, “and that means helping you take care of your baby too.”

-/-/-/-

Natasha wants so desperately to believe him, but she’s not foolish enough to actually do it. A large part of her refuses to believe it isn’t some trick, that they won’t take it back later. It wouldn’t be the first time a foster family had done that to her.

She’ll hide it all later, when he leaves. It’s all she has for her baby and she needs it. It may very well be all she ever has and she can’t afford to have it taken away.

Pete shows her where the bathroom is and the linen closet and tells her she can take a shower before dinner if she wants. The idea of a shower does sound nice. She’s not sure when she had one last. Pete even offers her a clean t-shirt and a pair of sweats. He tells her to put her dirty clothes outside the door and he’ll wash them for her.

She takes a short, tepid, shower (afraid she’ll get in trouble for using hot water without permission) and gets dressed in the soft blue t-shirt that’s several sizes too big and slips off one shoulder, and the grey sweats that actually fit pretty well all things considered. There’s a comb on the counter and she hesitates for a minute before deciding there’s no way they could find out if she uses it so long as she cleans her hair out of it, and sets about trying to detangle her hair. When the comb’s teeth snap as she’s tugging at a particularly large knot she wants to cry. She collects up the broken teeth and the comb and leaves the bathroom.

In the hall she bumps into a small boy with dark hair and glasses. They stare at each other in silence, sizing each other up. He glances down at the broken comb clutched in her hand. She moves her hand behind her back and walks past him.

She knows from experience that punishment is likely to be less severe if she comes clean immediately. And if she comes clean herself before the boy says something.

She finds Pete and Tom in the kitchen. Tom is mixing a collection of things in a casserole pan and Pete is sitting on the counter, swinging his legs a little and and eating shredded cheese straight from the bag.

“Hey!” Pete smiles at her, “get the shower figured out? It can be kind of temperamental.” She nods and then holds out the broken comb. She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t meet his eyes. “Oh. Don’t worry about. We have more. They’re pretty cheap.” Pete looks at Tom. “We really should by a couple nicer combs. And a hairbrush.” Tom hums in agreement and throws the spoon he’d been using into the sink.

“You’re-you’re not mad?” She asks, so soft they barely catch it.

“Of course not. It’s a comb.” Tom says.

“But I used it without permission and then I broke it.” She says, finally making eye contact with Pete. Pete slides off the counter and steps closer to her, but still stays arms length away.

“I know how other people have reacted in situations like this, but I promise we will never be those people.” The sincerity in his eyes makes Natasha choke up. She blames it on her pregnancy. Stupid hormones.

-/-/-/-

Dinner is an unassuming affair for the most part. Natasha doesn’t move to fill her own plate and Mav doubts she will so he serves her and fills her glass. She looks afraid to touch it, like she thinks it’s all a trick.

“You should eat that while it’s still warm.” He tells her. She glances at him and then at her food before picking up her fork. After the first bite she shovels the food in faster than Mav or Ice would’ve expected. When her plate is clean she stares at the casserole dish longingly.

“Would you like more?” Ice asks, moving to grab the serving spoon. She nods hesitantly and slides her plate closer to him. While she resumes eating like it’ll be her last meal Ice turns worried eyes on Mav. Mav just mouths later.

Ice and Mav try to make conversation with her, but when it becomes clear she doesn’t want to talk they move to talking about school with Bob.

After dinner is consumed and the dishes clean Ice settles in his overstuffed brown leather rocker/recliner and Mav drops into his lap. Mav picks up their battered copy of East of Eden and starts to read. Bob sits on one end of the couch and begins working a beginner model plane. Natasha sits on the other end of the couch, arms wrapped around herself and listens until she eventually falls asleep.

Ice gingerly carries her up to bed and tucks her while Mav gets Bob settled then the two of them meet in their bedroom.

-/-/-/-

Mav wakes around two am. A nightmare this time, and he pads downstairs to make himself a cup of tea.

He’s sitting at the table, hands wrapped around his mug, waiting for his tea to steep when Natasha rounds the corner. She stops, eyes wide, looking very much akin to a deer in the headlights.

“I-I just wanted a glass of water.” She says.

“Oh. Yeah, sure. D’you want some hot chocolate?” She looks uncertain, but nods after several seconds. Mav smiles and stands to make her a cup of hot chocolate. And Mav makes real hot chocolate. None of that prepackaged crap that barely tastes like chocolate.

He places the mug on the table across from his own before sitting down. She joins him, placing her glass of water beside her mug. They sit in silence for a few minutes, until Mav decides to break the ice.

“My dad died when I was seven.” He starts. She looks up at him, confusion written across her features, “And my mom died less than a year later. I spent the next eight and a half years bouncing around foster homes until I landed with the Bradshaws. I lived with them until I joined the Navy. They were so good to me. Better than any other foster family I had. It was the first time that the word family actually meant something to me.” He’s getting sentimental as he gets older. Just mentioning the Bradshaws makes him get misty eyed. Memories of Nick flood his mind. He sips his tea and watches as Natasha tentatively lifted her mug a took a sip, eyes going wide as she tips the mug a little more. She licks her lips and gazes down into the mug. “Tom and I want to be those people for kids like you and Bob. Whether you’re here for a week or a year. We want to be a family you remember fondly. I know how often foster families are unkind and downright mean. We want to take care of you, Natasha. While you’re staying with us we want to love you like you’re our daughter.”

Natasha doesn’t say anything, just keeps her gaze on her mug. She sniffs and wipes her nose on the back of her hand.

“I promise,” Mav says, holding her gaze so she can see how serious he is, “while you’re in our care no one is going to hurt you. And if anyone tries Ice and I will kick their asses for you.”

“Ice?” She asks. Not what Mav was expecting. He smiles.

“Short for Iceman. It’s his callsign.” When she still looks confused he continues. “We’re naval aviators.” She nods slowly before taking another long drink of her hot chocolate. “And whenever you need someone to listen or a shoulder to cry on I’m always here. And so is Ice. He doesn’t understand quite the way I do, but he’ll listen and try his best to help.”

-/-/-/-

“Can I make a phonecall?” She asks the next morning. Ice has just left to take Bob to school so it’s only her and Mav.

“Of course.” He hands her the landline. She watches him as she walks toward the living room and when he doesn’t stop her disappears down the hall. When she comes back it’s obvious she’s been crying and she proceeds to spend the rest of the day in her room.

-/-/-/-

The next morning she sleeps in which Mav thinks will probably do her some good. He has errands to run, but Ice has taken Bob to school and Mav doesn’t want to leave her alone without telling her.

He putters. Does some housework, writes out a grocery list and a list for the hardware store. The phone rings and if he’s honest he doesn’t know who he’s expecting, but certainly not the automated female voice on the other end,

“Will you accept a collect call from Richard J. Donovan Correctional Facility?”

Curiosity gets the better of him and he accepts.

“Nat? Sweetheart?” It’s a man voice, an older man if Mav’s guess is correct, “I’m sorry. Really I am.”

“Uh, I’m sorry, Natasha can’t come to the phone right now.” He replies.

“The fuck are you?” The man asks.

“I’m her foster father.” The man hums, but doesn’t say anything. “Who am I speaking to?”

“Nat’s father. Just tell her I’m sorry. And I’d really like to talk to her again.” There’s a click and the line goes dead. Mav’s head is reeling. How the hell did Natasha’s dad get their home phone number? As soon as the question forms the rational side of his brain reminds him that she made a call the day before. The second question he has remains unanswered, what did her dad do that wind up in prison? Mav hates mysteries.

-/-/-/-

It takes her about a week to settle into their routine. She still doesn’t really speak unless it’s absolutely unavoidable, but she’s willing to make eye contact with Mav and that’s a good first step.

And then after dinner Friday night things get . . . interesting. Bradley shows up for the first time since Ice kicked him out. Ice is the one to answer the door and he almost doesn’t let Bradley in the house. But Mav grabs his arm gently and tells him it’s ok. Ice narrows his eyes at Bradley, but nods and let’s him in. Mav can’t help but roll his eyes at Ice’s antics.

“Give us a minute?” Mav asks. Ice looks ready to protest, but a stern look from Mav has him heading up the stairs. It’s clear Bradley has been drinking, he’s swaying and his eyes are a bit glassy.

“Mav, I-shit. Don’t even know what to say.” Bradley has the decency to look embarrassed. “‘M sorry. For all the shit I said to you the last time was here. Was uncalled for and I-you didn’t deserve that. You always try to do what’s best and sometimes you fuck up, but you try and that’s gotta matter more, right?” His speech is a little slurred, but Mav is fairly certain he isn’t actually drunk, just tipsy. “I’ve, uh, I’ve been trying to get my shit together and I think I’ve had some sense knocked into me,” he grimaces and Mav has a sneaking suspicion he’s talking about his conversation with Ice, “‘m still kinda pissed you pulled my papers, but I think I understand more why you did it and ‘m trying really hard to move past it. ‘M sorry I pushed you away and I-I’ve missed you Mav. I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I hate who’ve been while holding this grudge against you and I can’t-I don’t-”

Mav pulls him into a hug, holding him as tight as he can. Bradley begins to cry and Mav has to blink back tears of his own.

“God, I’ve missed you too, kid.” Mav tells him, one hand pressed the back his head, the other rubbing circles on his back.

They end up on the couch, talking, apologizing, crying(not that they’d ever admit it) and finding the foundation to rebuild their relationship.

It’s late by the time they’re conversation turns to more mundane and boring topics and Bradley is starting to yawn consistently. Mav invites him to stay the night and goes to find a pillow and some blankets. It doesn’t even occur to him that he’d head up what used be the guest room, until he hears Natasha scream, followed Bradley yelping and a door slamming.

Mav runs up the stairs, well, walks as fast as he can. Bradley is staring at Natasha’s door while rubbing his chest. There’s a large hard back book on the floor at his feet.

“Sorry, rooms are all taken. You’re gonna have to bunk on the couch.” Mav shoves the pillow and blankets into his hands.

“The fuck’s goin’ on out here?” Ice asks, voice heavy with sleep, hair flattened on one side.

“Nothing, baby, go back to bed. I’ll be there soon.” Ice stares at him, eyes narrows for several seconds before turning and shuffling back into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Mav sends Bradley back downstairs and then knocks gently on Natasha’s door.

“Natasha?” He says, just loud enough he knows she can hear. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize he’d come up here.” The door opens a crack and she peers out at him, terrified eyes looking up at him.

“Who was that?” She asks softly, voice trembling. Mav feels awful that Bradley scared her so bad.

“Bradley. My godson. He’s spending the night. He’s not used the guest rooms being occupied. He didn’t know you were in there.” Mav tells her. “Did you throw a book at him?” He asks, picking up the copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

“Didn’t know who it was.” She glances down and can’t be certain because of how dim the hallway is, but he thinks she’s blushing. “Sorry.”

“Hey, no, none of that. You have every right to defend yourself against strange men coming into your space. And he won’t hold it against you. In fact I promise he’s gonna feel really awful about this in the morning.” Mav smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring way. “If you feel unsafe you can always lock the door if you want.” She nods. “Are you ok?”

“Mmhm. Gonna go back to bed now.”

“Sure. Night, Tasha.” She nods and meets his eyes for a second before closing the door. Baby steps.

Mav runs back down to check on Bradley and is unsurprised to find him conked out on the couch, snoring like a freight train. Mav smiles and shakes his head before flicking off the living room light and going to bed himself.

His life certainly isn’t boring, even if he is retired. In fact it’s probably good he is retired. If he was dealing with the excitement of being active duty as well as taking care of all the kids he’s pretty sure he’d have an aneurysm. He misses flying, but for this? For his kids? Totally worth it.

-/-/-/-

Taglist! Lmk if you’d liked to be added for future updates.

@pollyna

[kitkatpancakestack]

1, 7, and 9 :)

1. Of the fic you've written, which one are you the most proud of?

I have to say homeland (shameless plug lmao) bc it is 1) the longest fic I've written 2) caused me the most emotional anguish and 3) is for a fandom I was low-key afraid to write for for so long so it felt like a big accomplishment!! And honestly I just really like it and I'm really proud with how it turned out, I don't always feel like I get characters right but I felt pretty good with that one

7. Create a character on the spot... NOW!

I could do these all day: forty-something thrice divorcee who can never settle down or commit to anything decides to live out of a revamped school bus with their cat, a succulent, and a lonely homeless teen who was kicked out of their house

9. Passage from a wip

Sterek couple's counselor gore fic (my comfort write atm)

“Yeah, I have a hole in my thigh and I thought now would be a great time to work on my standup routine.”

Derek’s eyes flicker down to the aforementioned hole, which Stiles has been doing his damndest up until this point to forget about, because, hello, hole in his leg. He’s pretty sure if he bends down he’ll be able to see clean through to the other side. No thank you. “Does it hurt bad?” Derek asks, and his voice is lower, softer, the tension dribbling out of his body.

Stiles sniffs, turning his cheek against the ball of his shoulder. “I’ve had worse.”

[barmadumet]

Tag game to better know you

Thanks for the tag @thetorontokid ❤️ This feels very aol 1998 and I love it!!

What book are you currently reading?

Nothing 🫣 I started Brotherhood and never finished it if that counts as “currently reading.” I will finish it when time allows!

What's your favourite movie you saw in theatres this year?

I don’t think I’ve been to the moves since TROS 😂

What do you usually wear?

LOTS of t-shirts of all different sizes depending on mood. And they’re worn with jeans, cargos, or skirts. Love a good kimono to dress it all up.

How tall are you?

5'4"

What's your star sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

Scorpio ♏️ I have the same birthday as Ming-Na Wen! Which is fun, bc Star Wars, but also bc I was obsessed with Mulan when it came out and all through my teen years… so much so that I put a dragon on my class ring instead of the school mascot like a normal girl 😂

Do you go by your name or a nickname?

Nickname here (Barma) and a different nickname irl.

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

I was supposed to be an unwed psychologist with 4 cats. None of those happened 😂 (I have always had strange ambitions 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

See above lol - Married! 💍

What's something you're good at vs. something you're bad at?

I’m good at putting myself in other people’s shoes. I can find sympathy for ANYONE even if popular opinion says it isn’t deserved. I’m always looking for the reasoning behind a person’s actions and am quick to defend.

I am very bad at taking criticism, so much so that I’ll avoid putting myself out there at the risk of negative feedback. I am a perfectionist, and I’m bad a failing! I’d rather not even try than run the risk of failure. This online persona has helped with that tho 😊 Barma is less afraid 💪

Dogs or cats?

See above lmao - Cats! 🐈

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what's your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?

Idk if my writing counts since the chapters I’ve put out so far this year were originally written last year or the year before… so I’ll say my Valentines obikin photo session 😃

What's something you'd like to create content for?

I just want to keep doing the obikin thing, because it makes me happy. Fingers crossed for new story ideas after the current WIP wraps. 🤞

What's something you're currently obsessed with?

Well, it’s always going to be Star Wars, but specifically rn, I’m finding a renewed appreciation for Boga🦎 It’s a whole healing process thing.

What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

2023 is still young! I am excited about May 4th this week, finishing my fic in July, and my road trip to get a tattoo to commemorate it. REALLY hoping none of those will be disappointing.

What's a hidden talent of yours?

Financial planning/advising. No, it’s not what I do for a living, but I’ve often helped friends, family, and even businesses with creating budgets, debt consolidation, and all that good stuff. Maybe it’s what I should be doing for a living, but that whole fear of failing thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you religious?

I can’t not be. I’ve experienced way too much 🕊️

What's something you wish to have at this moment?

WELLNESS! I’ve been sick for over a week now.

I want to tag everyone! So if you see this, and want to do it, please do! But here’s a handful of friends bc I like to follow protocol 😂

@kana7o @unspuncreature @justaminion @wibzen87 @tunglo NO PRESSURE!

[angfdz]

ngl i’m falling p hard for my crush at this point like it’s all getting a little out of hand. there are a few things that I’m concerned about–- like, what he actually wants (from the first day we kissed he said he wanted to have a nice time and enjoy ourselves, not really have anything formal) vs what I want (........sadly i think i do want something a little more formal. I’m a by the books kind of girl). 

HONESTLY i’m getting ahead of myself (bc he’s just sooooo...........................) like this is the second week we’ve known each other & he’s going back to León soon so. just trying to give myself a little bit of perspective.

there is also 1 additional v freaky thing i’m concerned about (under the cut)

okay this one is weird but okay. u know how my friend told me he’d blended a live fish? when I brought it up to him he said it wasn’t him, it was his roommate. anyway he eventually figured out who had told me this & he brought it up today

he was like, I was thinking about why she’d be so against me and I think I figured out why. When I was in college I was dating this girl. Things were good for awhile and then they went sour, but we were still seeing each other on and off. She asked me to mail her some nude photographs I had taken of her, so I did. After that we sort of lost touch. Then, later, A (my friend) came up to me and asked if I’d seen the email she had sent out. When I went home to check I’d gotten an email from her with one of those photographs that had been sent to many people, accusing her of participating in a pornographic film. 

He told me he always wondered if she’d thought it was him, even though he says he didn’t. The email came from her personal email account, which he wouldn’t have had access to. So I guess he wondered if my friend thought that he’d done it.

Now.

Idk about y’all but like.

this story is a LOT. like idk if I’m overly sensitive, but the whole thing is not giving me great vibes. It’s very confusing because in person, my crush is a very sweet & sensitive seeming guy? Like he really does not give me any bad vibes & I’ve met a few of his friends and they all seem very friendly and sweet. He’s stated pretty directly that when he was in college (over 10 years ago) he wasn’t a very well liked person and told me he’s changed significantly from back then. 

Idk it’s just weird like, to find out about this. Because I was already kind of on the back foot about the fish thing, and decided to trust his version of events over my friends (who like, if I’m being honest, is the type of person to have An Agenda & it did come off that way). 

I guess like, part of me is just afraid that I’m setting myself up to be hurt in a big scary way as opposed to like, a normal way lol. Idk if that’s my anxiety talking and I’m not sure what to do, re trust. I don’t know him THAT well. It just feels a little complicated.

[purple-worm]

Thanks for the tag @lelephantsnail 💕

Favorite Color: peacock blue/midnight blue

Currently Reading: The Black Swan by Naseem Taleb. This is so unlike anything I’ve read. loving it so far. Padmarag by Rokeya Sakhawat Hossain. I hope I finish them.

Last Song: Dil Se Re by Rahman, Anupama and Anuradha. and Fanaa (Rahman, Tanvi, Sunitha). His concert reawakened my love for this song (actually all of his music, I had forgotten how much I loved it).

Last Series: I finished a Little Women rewatch (in love) and finally started Spy x Family. I love it! it's already starting to deliver the found family, I'm gonna be obsessed. Also watching Gaus electronics on the side. It’s pure chaos and zero brain cells in sight. I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I did.

Last Movie: Nope. I need to rewatch this masterpiece.

Currently working on: just my portfolio. messing this one up big time if I dont stop procrastinating

share 10 different favourite characters from ten different pieces of media in no particular order, then tag 10 people: I'm doing 11 because I can't pick one from little women. I'm also quoting them (not necessarily their best lines, just the ones that come to my mind first) bc why not💕

1. Oh In-Joo (Little Women):

"Where do souls live? I always wanted a home where my soul could live." I can’t stop thinking about her characterization and development. They managed to keep Meg’s tenderness from the novel but added so much more. and they fit all of that with a surreal plot and significant commentary on capitalism and poverty. I love that they weaved in so much (and did it well).

2. Oh In-Kyung (Little Women):

"They're so fresh. They're fresh to the point that it's almost sexy". Fresh produce is…weirdly sexy. She gets it. Therefore, she is my favourite. Her layers make her feel so real, a part of the reason why I’m so obsessed w this show. Modern adaptations of classics are hard to get right, and I feel like this one treads those lines well. it is fresh (a full genre shift) but still manages to keep the essence.

3. Black (Not Me):

"Power is corrupting. Ideas are what have the power to transform society" My plot device of a man🥹🥹 Certainly deserved better. I could watch him wreck shit for days.

4. Dazai (Bungo Stray Dogs):

"No one can fully grasp another person's deepest emotions. It's impossible. Only you can understand what you're feeling. But generally speaking, I can tell you this. Most people tend to cry when their father dies." Can’t help but hate him. Can’t help but project onto him. He has fucked up a lot. and he will continue to do so. It is entertaining to watch, but sometimes he deserves a slap across the face (or several idk). Other times, a hug.

5. Wang (180 Degrees Longitude Passes Through Us):

"I will break free. Time is on my side, so I've decided to leave. But leaving doesn't mean I lost." I’m so proud of him. In a story where people struggled to change, he proved that it was still possible. His sheer will to gain something out of the heartbreaking experience he had, and to keep going despite being so lonely, so unheard. But also, the maturity to know which fights to pick. There’s so much to learn from him.

6. Togawa (Old Fashion Cupcake):

"I'm seducing you. I've been trying to seduce you, with everything I have. Although you never had a clue. I know...being seduced by someone of the same sex, isn't considered common sense for most people. Especially from a subordinate. But unfortunately, it's common sense to me. So I've been seducing you. I've been meaning to tell you this whole time, but I was afraid. I was scared of saying something that wasn't normal to you. But doing this...and telling you in such a horrible way... I'm so sorry. I like you. I like you so much, I could die." I couldn't have justified picking anything else.

7. Ink (Bad Buddy):

"It's so gainful" The icon that she is. gmm, get your ass up and give us a milklove GL 2023.

8. Anya (Spy x Family):

"Father is a tsundere." I've only had her for two episodes but if anything happened to her I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

9. Fleabag (Fleabag):

"I don’t know what to do with it. With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now." I will always treasure fleabag.

10. Baek Hee-Sung (Flower of Evil):

"We’ve only known each other for 14 years. So of course, you’d be clueless of my intentions." Thinking about him leaves an ache in my chest. Mr. I've-never-felt-an-emotion really broke down on the streets after reuniting with his 4 yo daughter and then got called out by her for it. "Daddy, don't cry like before if you miss me, okay? You're a grown-up". So,, misunderstood.

11. Han Ju-Won (Beyond Evil):

"I'll be a monster and dive into hell. That is my way of atoning" He's on this list bc I miss his ass and this show.

Special mention to Choi Doil and Great Aunt (Little Women) bc they haven't left my mind. and Nozue (babe, togawa was only here bc of that iconic confession, i love you just as much) and Miw from 3 will be free💕 This was so much fun, thanks for tagging me @lelephantsnail <33 Also, I’m so happy to see that you’ve watched 180 degrees, and wanted to shred it to bits with analysis because that show absolutely deserves it. so much to dig into and have your heart wrecked. Feel free to yell at me about it any time.

Have a great day!💕

[tsuchinokoroyale]

I’m not the other anon but I agree it’s fucked up to knowingly facilitate cheating.

I’ve accidentally helped guys cheat before, but I didn’t know they were cheating until after the fact. I don’t feel guilty about that because I hadn’t known, but I would feel pretty guilty if I helped some dude give his wife an STD, or kill their marriage, or whatever.

“Participating in capitalism” is such a minor thing. It’s not the same level of bad action as helping somebody cheat. This is like someone is telling you they’re gonna steal a bike and you offer to help them find one.

And the logic of “someone else is gonna sleep with them it might as well be me” is fucked. By that logic “someone else is probably gonna mug them, might as well be me” or any other common bad action.

If you have so many guys hitting you up for sex then this should be the most minor thing to not do. You don’t need to have sex with this specific dude who’s openly cheating when you have so many other guys to pick from apparently. Like I’m not saying you need to interrogate every dude to see if they’re cheating. If you don’t know then that’s on them but turning a blind eye to it is messed up.

Eh, I’m not trying to be the guy that says facilitating cheating is good actually, I’m just saying I won’t feel bad about it because it’s not my business. I do think it’s interesting that you think killing their marriage is a bad thing. Why? Isn’t it better for the wife to not waste her time on someone that doesn’t respect their marriage? I, of course, don’t care either way, which is the crux of our perspective differences.

Why should I care about a marriage I know nothing about? Did you know my neighbors are married? They have been for over 20 years. Did that warm your heart? It sure didn’t warm mine. Because I made it up. I don’t know anything about them. The reality I experience is the one in front of met. Mindfulness, etc. I acknowledge the cascading series of events that brought me here but only the level of effectiveness I need to experience the present moment. I met this guy to have sex. That’s what we did. Everything else is window dressing. Problematic window dressing sure, but I’m not the one that brought the mess.

If you actually cared about the cheating, you would feel bad regardless of whether or not you knew. What you care about is your complicity in the act. Not even touching the comparison of cheating and mugging 🤦🏻‍♂️ I’m not downplaying cheating either. People who cheat are bottom feeder pieces of shit. But in my opinion, cheating isn’t the act of sex, it’s the series of decisions made beforehand. And if you can’t sleep with someone that looks like a 5X beefier Michelangelo’s David with a fat cock bc he had a fiancée, good for you, but I am not that girl, and I refuse to be shamed for it. You can judge me though! Probably deserve that.

I like to emphasize that I’m not a good person for a reason. In my chain of thought, I will always come first. If I want something that is not typically good, I will be bad. I will “facilitate cheating” if the guy is worth the price of admission. I don’t care about social niceties. My mom was super nice! She was sweet and kind to everyone and people walked all over her and then she died. I learned a lot from that. I wouldn’t say I’m a bad person, and I’m sure there’s plenty of people that would say otherwise but the point is: I’m not afraid of being a bad person. And I think that’s great! The logic wasn’t “someone else is gonna sleep with them, it might as well be me” it’s “they are available to have sex with, and I want to have sex with them” I love that you said I turned a blind eye to it when I wrote an entire story summarizing it six years after it happened. No, I looked right at it and went yeah sure ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ if he didn’t make himself available I’m sure I would’ve found someone else. But he did. Making himself available, that’s the realm of cheating. What happened afterwards was simply the call of nature. I will not be taking more anons on this subject, but we love a hearty debate so my DMs are available!

[egg-emperor]

I’ve noticed over the years that some people send hcs or theories to users like the op is supposed to automatically agree with them- even if they’ve already not before- like someone trying desperately to give you a sales pitch, other times the asker is using the op as a test to see if the asker’s hcs are canon? I’ve always found that weird but it still definitely happens.

Point is people on the internet have a tendency to not understand that not everyone’s hcs and thoughts on characters are the same, and as long as that’s true you’ll always probably rub someone wrong with character opinions. It’s something that’s just outside your control, which is why I see people limit themselves to small corners of fandom interaction more often then not.

It’s charming to see your eggman stuff on the regular honestly, you don’t need to stop being the way you are just because people don’t understand how hcs work and how just bc you like certain iterations of a character doesn’t mean you like all of them, if people are bothered they just need to unfollow you, you’re very clear and upfront about things here

You put some of the exact thoughts I've had for a while into words in ways that I couldn't really well. It does feel like some people do that and I don't get it either because like, when you send someone ideas and ask for their thoughts, that's what they're going to give and you can't expect them to always agree. It's not like they need my approval to feel, think, and believe what they want, so it should just be about asking for my honest thoughts after just pitching theirs to me, whether it's in agreement or not. It should be asked out of genuine interest, not as some kind of test.

I'm only honest in my responses and I try to be careful and clear that disagreeing doesn't mean I have anything against them or that they should change what they're doing because of me, yet people still accuse while trying to do the very exact thing to me. It's like what am I supposed to do, lie and always pretend to agree? I think that would actually be worse than going "I have a different opinions and ideas to yours and here's mine like you asked for, but I respect your different takes." I value honesty in others, so I show it myself too.

There's no point in asking people for thoughts if they're only expected to feel one certain way and any sensible and polite disagreements or differences of opinion aren't acceptable. But yeah, unfortunately it happens. I've even been accused of making jabs at specific people simply by throwing in my own two cents on subjects just because I felt the most differently and then treated like an outcast. But I don't want to be in a hive mind, I want to be around people with all kinds of interesting interpretations, thoughts, and opinions and be free to share my own.

I've always embraced differences and I really don't think I'm anywhere near as abrasive as people make me out to be sometimes, it's just that they wish I'd agree instead. And yet I have low empathy that I have no control over. I'm very passionate and firm in my beliefs but I never have harmful intentions or anything bad to say about those that think and feel differently, as long as they respect me too. And I try to be careful with my words but I guess the tone is difficult to convey through text and often misinterpreted, or it's my forwardness and bluntness, I suppose.

And yeah I've seen a lot of people limit themselves or even stop sharing opinions altogether and pride themselves on it but nah, I know I can't be that guy. I used to hold back on what I wanted to say, was afraid to ever disagree, and I let people walk all over me and got hurt. And maybe I was liked more that way but I feel much more free now and I can't let people like that make me go back into the corner when I'm happier being honest and openly passionate and confident in it. That's what I want to accomplish and be proud of instead.

That's really comforting, I appreciate it. I was feeling bad about my whole existence after what was said about both my Eggman love posts and thoughts/opinions/hcs posts last night and it's a relief to be told I don't have to stop being myself to fit into what's expected from others, and that my headcanons and opinions don't make me inherently wrong and unlikable just for being honest and true to myself in ways I'm not even sure how I'd change. I'm going to keep reminding myself of that and not let people like that get me down. I needed this, thank you. 💜

[freakscircus]

Hi Dani. I’ve been going through some really complicated emotions in my relationship. My boyfriend and I started dating right before the pandemic. He is an addict and when we started dating he had over a year of sobriety. Then the pandemic hit, he lost his job, couldn’t pay his rent and he relapsed. I didn’t know it at the time, so I had him move in w me at my parents house. Now it’s 2 years later and he is still struggling to get clean and unable to get a job. It’s so hard, bc it’s not like I’m trying to force him to get help and he doesn’t want to. His addiction has just gotten so severe that he has tried and failed and tried and failed. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this bc I’m scared of what other people will think. I know what I would think of it was my friend/sister in this situation. I’m afraid that people will think I’m stupid for staying w him and that I’m weak and being taken advantage of. And then that makes me question our entire relationship. It’s so confusing bc one second I’m happy and hopeful and so sure that we’re gonna get through this, and the next I feel doubtful and hopeless and terrified for the future. I can’t tell if these negative thoughts are due to the perceptions/judgments of other people, or if that’s how I truly feel. How do you know what your true feelings are, and when you have conflicting feelings, how do you know which one to follow?

hi sorry this took me so long to answer! i wanted to give it my undivided attention! i've gotten a few questions like this and i always hesitate to sound harsh because i know when it is your situation and you are inside it, it is very hard to build boundaries.

firstly - you are not stupid for wanting to be hopeful around your partnership and anyone who judges you is frankly pretty cruel and probably does not understand your situation.

secondly - that is to say, it is really hard to love someone who is struggling. something i've learned in the past is that you can't do one sided work to fix a relationship when someone else isn't putting in equal work, not only on themselves but on your partnership. that doesn't necessarily mean your partner is taking advantage of you or is a bad person, but it might mean that right now this person does not have the capacity to be a good partner. that means it might be time for you to set some sort of boundaries.

thirdly - i think as women (i am assuming your gender, sorry!) we are encouraged sometimes to be martyrs for our partner and "stand by our man" no matter what, but this can take a huge toll and breed resentment, which it sounds like may already be somewhat happening. i think it is very noble and kind to be there for your partner unconditionally, but like i said above, if they are not able to put in that same effort to care for themselves or the relationship, you kind of have to ask yourself what needs to change. this can be a very hard question and honestly quite devastating to come to terms with. but it sounds like what you have been doing recently has not been working. sometimes if someone is not a position to be what we need, we have to adjust our relationship, our boundaries, or maybe even let them go. hoping for change without any evidence that change is being worked toward is not the best strategy for happiness. i would begin to maybe reach out to someone who cares about you who you can talk to, or even better - a therapist (i love my therapist so much and she has helped me through some very hard decisions) in order to start to ask yourself what these changes and boundaries may look like. maybe also pursuing resources whether that be a therapist with a specific specialty around relationships and/or addiction, literature on the topic, or even talking to ex-addicts about what it means to have a partner who is an addict. it may be that your partner needs to work on themselves by themselves and get to that path on their own. i can't really say. but i would strongly encourage you to explore the idea of change, whatever that may look like, so you aren't miserable and waiting around for something that may not ever happen. i know that can sound cruel to a struggling partner, but you also have to think of yourself and your own well being too.

[slowparts]

sometimes i forget that this is actually a blog i can write about my life on. crazy right. anyways. this will probably be the first of many bc shits getting fucking insane in the membrane.

tw medical, cancer maybe, some vast unnameable fear saturday

gabriel has multiple masses in his neck and lymph nodes that we found out about on tuesday. one is nearly two inches long. he’s been complaining about neck pain for months. he had a regular checkup last week, his doc correctly noted his enlarged lymph nodes and ordered an ultrasound, he went for that on monday. on Thursday the (marked urgent) orders for the ct scan of his major lymphatic system + biopsy of his neck finally got sent to the hospital for scheduling. they haven’t called us yet though so i’ll be ringing them in the morning.

and like. yeah. i’ve felt his neck and i can feel it in there. this sounds dumb but he’s always had a big fucking neck. he’s just built like that, with a jawline that can retreat into his neck at a moments notice. he loves making people laugh with it. and yeah under his beard it’s obviously there. and i realize i’ve been staring at it for weeks, months maybe. noting something was off but not putting together what. even if i had, he’s a round soft boy. i’d never say a fucking thing about his chins getting bigger bc i know he feels self conscious about it sometimes. like i couldn’t have known. he’s been attributing his neck pain to his incredibly long working hours lifting things and working the restaurant. he’s been in pain for months and we still don’t know anything about it. i do not want to pre-worry about hypotheticals when we don’t even know what it is. and honestly, most of the time i fully believe it. i can usually talk myself (and often him, too) through a wave of fear about the not knowing, and the waiting. right before i am trying to sleep is the hardest. i dont want to take any meds to help at this point bc i need to be up in about 4 hours and be at work an hour or two after that, but the fear is eating me alive right now. so im writing this to hopefully exorcise some of it, maybe wear my brain out just enough to crash.

it might not even be anything as bad as all that. but it could be, and that’s going to be the rock in my shoe until we know literally anything besides how big the masses are. which coupled with the months of his being in neck pain—he is fucking averse to ibuprofen so whenever he complains about aching and i offer meds he declines 75% of the time, so i always just assume it’s because. he is lifting shit all day at work and when he’s not lifting things he’s at a computer doing other work things. he’s an achy boy and i rub his shoulders and kiss him lots and love him with everything in me. anyway i just assumed it wasn’t anything major. —so the size of the masses + the amount of time he’s been in pain = I’m Really Fucking Concerned. and i can’t fucking do anything about it right now so i should just go to sleep. but when i put my phone down and close my eyes and try to sleep, im more aware of him next to me. and i love him being there. but my brain is making extremely unsolicited leaps and bounds from “oh, my partner is next to me in bed, i love sleeping next to him” to “what if he wasn’t next to me in bed and what if he never would be again because he died from this thing” which is like. literally THE most unhelpful thought to be having while you’re trying to sleep. So i’m gonna ride it out until sleep comes for me like a brick, or until my shift ends tomorrow.

i am so fucking scared. i don’t think i have ever felt fear like this before. everyone in my family who died of cancer died before i was born. i have only ever seen this play out at arms length. if i dwell on that fear, if i try to say what it is i’m afraid of (because for me, naming it is the first step to working through it), its like something primordial in my brain takes over. tangle of eels, oil spill dark and swallowing. no language for it yet.

when he had appendicitis and was in incredible amounts of pain, he described his pain on the 1-10 scale as a 3, maybe a 4. Granted that was nearly 9 years ago and he’s more aware of the fact that he as a man is allowed to be in pain and express it and treat it. so tonight he described the pain in his neck as a 7 that went down to a 5 with the ibuprofen. when he said 7 i had to stop myself from putting him in the car and taking him to the hospital right then. but it was already down to a 5. and he’s sleeping, and has been for a while now, so well at least wait until the morning.

i know he’s scared too, and i truly do not want him to have to be thinking about my fucked up brain feelings in the insomnia hours on top of everything else right now. i will not be telling him about this bc i want to self soothe. its a great time for me to practice. tomorrow night with meds. bc tonight i genuinely don’t think im sleeping. the clock just keeps…. going. and i keep being here.

and the fuck of it all is i do not know. and we wont for days to come. and i just have to live with that and keep reminding myself that it might not be that bad, and that lymphoma has a really high survival rate if it is that, and at least we know about it now. and the hospital has the orders for the next steps and he or i will call tomorrow to see if we can get the ct scan + biopsy scheduled as soon as possible. and tomorrow night, instead of dreading bedtime and spiraling the second i put my phone down for the night, i will take one of my anxiety meds preemptively. if i took it now id be zonked by the time i have to be at work and i do better sleep-deprived and winging it utterly than i do sleep-deprived with benzodiazepines in my system. but tomorrow night i can plan better. and we will get through it.

i love him so much. i know i know i know he will be okay. i don’t need to worry about all that right now.

also somehow!!!! on top of ALL OF THIS!!!!!! my brain is somehow able to sustain a positively unhinged crush on a friend, who doesn’t use tumblr thank god. few truly safe spaces remain in this world for me to have a full on mental breakdown complete with insomnia and inexplicable horniness. sorry that’s more than you needed probably. no actually im not sorry it’s my blog. this is under a readmore. if you’re here you’re in it now.

i think i started writing this post like two hours ago. at least 90 minutes have elapsed. Anyways. i love you im kissing you on the forehead and thank you for reading this and being here with me in a way. i love you.

[vent-and-advice]

hey I just don’t know where else to put this I just feel like I’m getting so much worse.

I’ve known something was wrong since I was about 7 and I’m 17 (turning 18 in November) now. I just feel like I’m spiraling downhill and I’m worried that by the time I feel safe to reach out for help as right now I’d need to go through my parents to get said help and considering the symptoms I have and the way my mom has talked about people with said symptoms I don’t feel safe reaching out right now, I just feel like once I can get help without informing them I’ll need a god damn hospital. I’ve repeatedly nearly relapsed into self harm and straight up relapsed into self harm multiple times, and today it just feels like I’m reaching a new low. I don’t mind when people hurt me. Like one time a friend kicked me as a joke and ended kicking much harder than intended and I just didn’t care. With the future approaching like this and knowing the current economy I’ve been suicidal since sophomore year and a bit of freshman year and eighth grade. It got a little better since I made some new friends but it just dipped today and during gym I just thought to myself that it’d be nice if I fainted and hit my head hard enough to die. I can’t help but feel like I’ll never be enough to live this life. I feel like I was supposed to be the healthy and capable one in my family who would go on to accomplish a lot and give back a lot but now I can’t. I just can’t and I feel like I’ll probably die at 30 now bc I’ll either die of the elements, illness, or ill just fucking kill myself. I also just feel like I’m a bad friend. I got a new friend group recently and we did leave one person bc she was really draining to us and one person isn’t in the group bc he didn’t get along with two other people (I’m still friends with him) but now it seems like another person is leaving now bc he doesn’t like me and had a confrontation with the other person. Now it feels like I mostly just have this one person to hang onto and I feel like I shouldn’t be as attached as I am. I just feel like losing him is a last straw. If I do I’d kill myself. I just feel like I can’t ever give him a reason to leave me and I just shape myself to meet his needs and wants and never tell him anything about me that he wouldn’t like, because frankly, I’d die if he wasn’t part of my life anymore. But now I feel like because I’m so attached I’m a bad friend because I shouldn’t be like this. I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want to upset him and he’s already dealt with obsessive and toxic people and I don’t want to be like those people. It’s just becoming too much and I’m afraid I’ll reach a breaking point soon and I don’t know what to do.

Woah there, friend. First, take a nice flower. It smells lovely 🪻

Now, seems you’re dealing with a lot. First questions you’ve gotta ask yourself. Why are you afraid to reach out? People who love you will want to help! If you feel like it’s not safe to reach out to a certain person, think:

•Can I reach out to my parents?

•Teacher you can trust or guidance counselor

•In an extreme circumstance, a suicide hotline.

As for the you not caring if people hurt you thing, I believe it may stem from a lack of self love! Some good ways to self reflect is doing small things and enjoying this world. Flower picking and picnics are a great way to get some nice sunlight and being outside actually helps a lot with mental health!

Are there any clubs you can join? Group retreats? Maybe even picking up a little hobby! Dr. Amanda used to do Chess Club, which is where she made a lot of friends!

And most important of all is to pinpoint your emotions! Not always can we figure out why we feel this way or what it is we’re even feeling. But sometimes writing it down can really help you get close! Maybe start journaling your emotions and, if you’re comfortable, show it to your school’s guidance counselor and say that that is how you’re feeling.

Here are some journaling ideas:

•What you did today

•What you want to do tomorrow

•Draw

•Try to describe things that make you uncomfortable

•Try to describe how you feel about the people in your life

•Try to describe how you feel about yourself

Next, look at yourself in the mirror. Like actually look at yourself. Every little imperfection that you may hate. Touch those little imperfections and smile and tell yourself that they’re beautiful. That you’re beautiful. You are a rose!

Practice self care. Bubble baths, meditating, exercise, and basic hygiene are all fantastic for your mental health. That friend of yours you mentioned? Maybe even invite them to go to the gym with you or just to meditate with you! Tell them you’re trying to heal and you need someone to lean on a bit for support. And after a while, try doing those things yourself to become more independent.

My dear two legged friend. You are not a mere flower. You are a whole bouquet 💐

I know you can do this. I am your little friend, Bee, and I love you! 🐝