#i’ve been more active on my ig than my blog lately but i am still here!! 🇵🇸💗

[luthienne]

it’s free palestine always 🇵🇸

[feliciohno]

IMPORTANT PSA FOLLOWERS PLEASE READ

Hiya everyone, Feli here! So this is a really important PSA that I really need you all to read. I’ve rewritten and reworded this like a million times over the last few months so oof I hope this goes over well but here we go-

So this blog is a side blog that is mostly for Hetalia and where the main fandom I interact with in this blog is Hetalia it’s not the only one, and that’s gonna be an important factor. You see, about a year ago I made this side blog because I got back into Hetalia and wanted to post about it online. However, I knew of the discourse and I knew of the drama and I just didn’t want to be apart of it. I also knew that Hetalia made a lot of people uncomfortable (for valid reasons of course) and I decided I didn’t want that on my main blog. Ultimately it is not my job to be concerned with other people’s internet experience (things like blocking tags and following certain blogs is all up to the individual) but I do like to at least do what I can to make it easier on everyone and myself. So I made this one. However this blog was never really meant to be just Hetalia. Mainly Hetalia, yes, but not just Hetalia. If you remember I have actually posted stuff like South Park on this blog and an anime called Rosario + Vampire (SP needing no introduction but R+V is an anime where there’s no discourse mainly because there’s no fanbase it’s still a,,,, not very good show,,,,,) but of course neither of these ever stuck around long enough in my brain to make much of an impact on this blog so I never addressed it. (South Park might continue to pop up here and there it’s a very old hyperfixation and though I dislike the show these days I still like the characters and just have momentary brain rot ig.) Ultimately this was always meant to be what I call my ‘Discourse Blog’. A blog where I could quietly like content I know has major issues with it and is not well liked while both making sure others on my main blog don’t have to see it unless they want to and keeping any discourse off my main blog all together. (Still not sure if I wanna keep Homestuck stuff on this blog or my main tbh.) The reason I’m bringing this up is because lately I’ve been getting into some stuff that might start being on this blog a bit more often and I wanted to acknowledge it before just randomly doing it that way everyone is prepared and not confused. Please know this blog is still MOSTLY going to be Hetalia so you don’t have to worry about that. I’m still a nasty little Italy kinnie who only thinks about Germany’s hot man tits a good 85% of the day(/hj). 

One of the things that might start popping up a bit more is Danganronpa. I’ll be real honest I don’t know why Tumblr’s purity police has such a vendetta against this game there is WAY worse anime out there that I rarely ever see people bitch about. But I started playing it and I like it (wish Kokichi was in the first game but apparently he’s not). I can see some of the issues people might have with it which is understandable so yeah if you wanna keep Danganronpa off your dash just block the tag. 

The other thing (and arguably the one that makes me way more nervous and is why I kept putting off talking about it) is Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss. Before you go get your pitch forks and shit let me just talk about this for a second. Yes Vivzie and the shows have very big obvious issues with them but, much like Hetalia, I don’t think it’s actually as bad as people make it out to be. I spent hours in the anti tags and just like Hetalia antis its just people making out things to be a lot worse than they are and throwing around words that really don’t need to be used in this situation. My honest opinion on Vivzie is she’s a woman who never grew out of her 2012 shock humor phase that came with watching too much South Park and she’s too prideful for her own good. She made dumb mistakes and did dumb shit and she did apologize for it all. Of course her apology post kinda sucked and when people bring stuff up she’s not exactly very graceful in her responses. But never the less she’s not the pedo transphobic satan spawn everyone makes her out to be (for more info on this drama and why I think what I think I highly recommend this video, he actively does his research and looks into everything really well and I agree with most of his points). And even if she was I’ve personally never been the kinda person to let people who work on or have made stuff stop me from liking it. I hate JK Rowling but still like Harry Potter, I don’t like Tony Anselmo but I still love Donald Duck. Letting others’ shitty mistakes and bad personalities dictate what I watch and how I live my life has never been the way I lived and I’m really not gonna start today. As for the shows themselves, yeah they got issues. Some of them, again, a bit drug out of proportion by the antis, but still issues none the less. Giving Alastor Voodoo is a big one (it leans into the constant negative connotation that Voodoo is always strapped with despite being a real world religion that actual people follow), Vaggie is very much a bad stereotype and even though Vivzie wasn’t trying to be racist (openly stating that as a Latina she wanted more firey Latina representation) it still has the potential to harm and upset Latino viewers, and then Angel Dust who is kinda a mess and honestly a big way she could have fixed him was just to keep him by his original version instead of changing so much about him (that honestly would need a whole separate post to explain). 

So, yes, I acknowledge the issues and stuff in all this content and I’m very open and vocal about the issues just as I am with Hetalia. Liking these things doesn’t change that and I mostly made this post to make sure everyone knows that. But like I said before, your internet experience is up to you. If any of these things make you uncomfortable please do yourself a favor and block the tags. I promise I always keep things perfectly tagged on my blog down to the characters and ships. This isn’t gonna change. I’m pretty confident that no one here will take much issue with this. After all, if you like one of these things you know what it’s like to like things critically. If you have issues with anything on this post or me or anything I say or do come talk to me about it respectfully so no one is left thinking I’m some asshole for liking some dumb cartoon. 

TL;DR This blog is gonna stay mostly Hetalia but it’s ultimately a blog for any content I don’t want on my main and if there’s anything you don’t like or that makes you uncomfortable please just block the tags and keep about your day happily 

[fidespeaks]

About Fides: An Introduction

Hello, my name is Fides!  It’s very nice to meet you and, however you’ve fond your way onto this blog, I’m happy that you have.  In this post, I hope to cover a few important things before getting started with the meat and potatoes of this blog: namely I’d like to introduce myself and, in the name of transparency, give you as many details about myself and my background as possible while still maintaining relative anonymity.  Some things have been left intentionally vague (i mean. kinda LOL), this is to protect myself.  I hope you’ll understand. 

SO!  Let’s start with the basics...

My name is Fides.  I am in my late twenties and the only information I’ll give regarding my location is that I am currently in the PST timezone and I live on the American west coast.  I currently work as a retail associate, but I have experience in food service & professional animal care as well.  I am currently pursuing an undergraduate degree in forensic psychology with a minor in philosophy.  I have an avid interest in clinical psychology, criminology / behavioral analysis, social psychology, sociology, anthropology, political sciences, race relations, gender studies, and a lot of other stuff that I spend the majority of my time studying (reading books on the subjects, listening to podcasts, ect).  I have been roleplaying on this hellsite since 2010 and I have seen my share of bullshit, believe me.

As far as gender goes, I an AFAB genderfluid enby.  I prefer they/them pronouns, but I won’t be miffed over she/her or he/him or anything else that you would like to (respectfully) refer to me as.  I don’t mind gendered slang (queen, king, dude, girl, babe, boss bitch, etc) but I ask that you not refer to me as any derogatory sexual terminology typically associated with women (slut, hoe, thot, skank, etc).  I have been out as nonbinary for a little more than a year but have been actively surrounded by enby friends for over a decade.  

Sexuality / orientation wise I am demisexual, biromantic, and polyamorous.  I have been identifying as bi since my early teens and am out to everyone in my life.  I often refer to myself as a lesbian because I am in a lesbian relationship (so if you have issues with enby lesbians, you’re just gonna have to leave or get over it).  I am married & my wife is a trans woman who has been out for a little less than a year and has a masters degree in post civil war reconstruction & the race relations of the time.  We have a child who is around three and told me this morning that their gender is “zombie”.  So... do with that as you will.

I am not neurotypical.  I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD sometime in kindergarten and I have spent long periods of my life both medicated and unmedicated (I am currently medicated).  I also have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and am currently undergoing EMDR treatment with a licensed therapist.  I am a CSA survivor & I display a good number of the symptoms of BPD although I haven’t been officially diagnosed with it.  

As stated above, I am American.  My mother’s side of the family is white as fuck my father’s side of the family is latinx & native american.  I am extremely white passing and was raised by my conservative christian mother & step-father, so while I do consider myself of color, I also am hyper aware of the fact that to the outside world I always have been and always will be white as fuck.  I try to use this to the best of my abilities to fight against racism and implicit bias when I see it and am, as I said, fully aware of my privilege. I will always concede to BIPOC when it comes to matters of race, but I also do not pretend that that voice and group are a monolith and I always do my best to make sure I have collected a multitude of opinions regarding a subject before formulating my own.  Plus, I think that white saviorism is one of the worst behaviors any sort of leftist or progressive white or white passing person can engage in and part of this blog (as you will see) will def touch upon that.  

Uh... what else?  I consider myself pretty far left.  I grew up christian (lutheran) and am now some weird flavor of agnostic existentialist.  I believe that capitalism is cultivating a hellish apocalyptic landscape and needs to be stopped at all costs (I’m a socialist ig lol).  I think that everyone suffers from implicit biases that cause them to act poorly and while they need to be educated the way that we do it currently in the rpc and the community at large are disgusting, counter productive, largely a waste of time, and extremely unhealthy.  I dislike both antishippers and proshippers equally and.... uh. 

That pretty much lays out most of my background and both my privileges and lack thereof.  Next time (ON DRAGON BALL Z) I will think I’m gonna talk about and discuss privilege and ladders of it and how it stacks and the like because I think that’s pretty important to why I made this post beyond just introducing myself.  Or... first I’m going to make a post about what I kind of want to do with this blog and why I’ve made it and THEN I’ll start talking about the interesting stuff to lay the groundwork for what I really want to do and talk about here so...

Thank you to everyone who basically read this really boring summary of myself and my life!  I look forward to talking more with y’all. <3

[ballsballsbowls]

Hey! Do you have any favorite sources for skincare information. Thank u :)

Firstly, you sent this while I was away for a day or so, I’m really sorry my reply’s a bit late

I have a handful of resources, but admittedly I have some huge blind spots and I’ll list them outright

- I don’t use fb, ig, and barely use youtube for anything. There’s probably some great resources on there that I’ve never encountered

- My resources are pretty limited based on my current needs - my biggest skin “issue” is sensitive skin and a bunch of ingredient allergies, including lavender extract and snail mucin. Because of that, I tend to research specific products as I find out about them rather than keeping track of new products in the pipes or new ingredients

- My area of interest is East Asian skincare, Japanese and Korean about equally, so I don’t know much about Western products at all.

The only person I really follow on tumblr for skincare stuff is @birdkoskincare - she’s got a very robust biochemical background and is in the skincare industry in Europe, and I find her info to be really easy to follow along with regardless of your background. I reblog her stuff moderately often.

I use SkinCarisma and CosDNA about equally for ingredient lookups. SkinCarisma tends to have a little more info and the layout is a little more beginner-friendly, but it’s definitely worth using both, even on the same item

Back in the day, there USED to be a pretty robust search tool for reddit, which has since been abandoned. It makes things more difficult if you’re looking for general info or everything everyone knows about, say, lactic acid. Nowadays it’s more dicey, but there’s a lot of good info if you’re patient.

Asian Beauty and Skincare Addiction are both useful in their own ways. If you’re after Western skincare, the Asian Beauty reddit won’t be much use, but you’ll still see Asian products on it. I don’t spend a ton of time on Skincare Addiction, but they sometimes have more useful/current info on, say, the newest research on topical collagen or a new UVA blocker. Both reddits have a pretty robust resource section for people just getting into skincare, which can be a huge help and was where I learned a ton of info when I was starting out.

Lab Muffin is practically obligatory if you’re discussing skincare resources. I don’t look at her stuff all the time, but she’s a nice, accredited source of info if you need something clarified. She also is active on youtube and ig.

Past that, I don’t have any resources i rely on extensively. My boyfriends will vouch that I can spend a whole afternoon trying to find about a specific sunscreen or toner from every possible angle. I’ll open practically any blog, any resource (even REALLY skeevy resources like western beauty magazines) and sort of aggregate the data from 5 different places.

The unglamorous truth is the bulk of skincare is “look at EVERY SINGLE facewash option on jolse/sephora/whatever and scan the ingredient lists and scan them again in cosdna/skincarisma and scan all the reviews I can find on the internet so you spend 6 hours choosing a facewash”

You didn’t give me any indication if you’re a total beginner or not, so I’ll throw a few basic beginner tips in in case they’re useful to you. If you’re way past this, I apologize.

- You just need to start SOMEWHERE. Face wash is a great place to start and it’s a pretty cheap investment compared to a lot of other products. I did JUST face wash (I am being completely serious) for probably 2 years before I got into anything else.  

- Nobody is going to have ALL the answers. Someone with a PhD in biochemistry can tell you how sunscreen works, but they can’t tell you which sunscreen you need to buy. A random reddit user might have share your oily skin, but they don’t share your haircare routine and their recs might STILL be useless for you. If there was a Grand Poobah of Retinol on the internet, they still might recommend a formulation with an ingredient you’re allergic to. 

- That said, it IS a lot of trial and error. KEEP NOTES about what you buy and how you react. Most of the mistakes I made in my 5ish years of being remotely serious about skincare, I made because I didn’t refer to my notes about which ingredients I can’t use or didn’t recognize the alternate way of listing a known allergen.

- You really do need to start slowly and carefully with one product at a time. It sucks when you’re excited about starting a routine but you will regret it when SOMETHING in the past 2 weeks has given you acne and you have no idea what it is.

- You can honestly spend as much or as little as you want. There’s plenty of people who have developed a super elaborate, super expensive routine. There’s plenty of people who use suncreen, face wash, moisturizer and have no interest in anything else. I’ve barely bought anything this past year, just using stuff I already had, and it’s totally fine. In fact, a slow and measured (AND CHEAP!) approach will serve you better in the long run.

- A product that generates acne on your face might work on your neck or arms. A product that’s too harsh for your face might work on your feet. You WILL strike out at some point with a product no matter how carefully you purchase stuff. Having a plan for using it up if you can will make it less terrible.

- CHECK DATES AND TIMESTAMPS on reviews and posts. Products get reformulated all the time and that product that looks perfect for you may have been reformulated twice since that post was created. That dream product may also be discontinued.

I hope this helps at least a little! If you have more specific questions, I may or may not be able to help (if you skin is oily or you’re acne prone you are SOL as it’s NOT my area of expertise)

[ninjago-memes]

Are you ok? You don’t seem to post as much as you used to so I’m just checking in ❤️ Happy new year too btw!

Happy New Year to you my friend! I hope you are well too! Tho you asked on anon so I’m not sure who you are haha.

I’m not going to lie I haven’t been in the ninjago tag for a long time now. Obviously the tenth anniversary is coming up and I’m apart of the ninjago reanimated which was originally supposed to be for that (tho I believe it’s coming out later this year so we all have more time to finish) Im still active on tumblr in fact I post more on my main then I do here. I’m just having a break from ninjago atm ig lmao

This bit gets a bit more personal so I’ve put a read more.

I think we can all agree that 2020 didn’t go well at all I finished high school and so am a whole lot busier with collage work. But the truth is I’ve recently been struggling with my mental health. The last time it was this bad was probably when I was 14 so that sucks. But I’m surviving! Coping is a whole other matter but I’m ok mostly. I have like 3 big projects for school so that’s taking up most of my time.

I will return to this blog (And all the other ninjago blogs I run haha) eventually. Life’s just a bit hectic and I’m not the small tween who started this blog anymore haha. Not as much free time as back then.

Here’s to 2021 and hopefully a better time than and Heath (physical and mental) than last year!

I love y’all stay safe, well And hope y’all have a good new year ❤️❤️❤️

Ps it’s also pretty late at the time of writing this so will fix any mistakes later.

[brookswackermanfeetcam]

You should do all of them questions and 90 is true

I love you!!!!

1. Favorite instrument?

I work at a music store u can’t just ask me this. When my coworkers play it’s the saxophone or the flute, when the boys in the repair shop are testing repairs and they harmonize with each other or try to outplay one another it’s the bassoon or the trombone or whatever they’re fixing at the moment. When I hear 🎺 give his lesson on Wednesday afternoons it’s the trumpet, and when I think about middle school it’s the clarinet, the flute, the French horn. When I hear the nutcracker pas des deux is the oboe and when I hear edith piaf l’accordeoniste it’s the remarkable human voice. Really my favorite instrument is all of them, it just depends.

2. Favorite fic trope? Mutual pining 🥺

3. Sport you played for the longest amount of time? LMAO I wasn’t a sporty kid but I did ballet

4. Shoe size? 10-11

5. Most recent (good) dream? Uhh I had a dream last night about my coworker 🎹 it wasn’t bad though I can’t really remember what it was about

6. Last person in your DMs? smugg

7. Can you do a handstand? Nooo nooo lmaoo nooooo

8. Unpopular food opinion I don’t like oranges or red meat

9. Conspiracy you believe in? There’s some kind of weird weather dome in my hometown around the military base that makes most storms pass around us

10. Is your hair its natural color/style? Most of it is I dyed the bottom layer of my hair tho so it’s blonde rn

11. state a useless fact all that’s coming to mind is outright lies rn hold on. The inventor of pringles is buried in a pringles can that’s so fucking nasty omg

12. most interesting gossip you’ve heard? Idk I don’t really care for gossip uhhhh have u heard tho rin dippindogs is a huge gay hah she uhh she like men AND women lmao gaaay gaaaay

13. Middle name? Carolyn

14. Sexuality? Bisexual

15. Amount of sleep you got last night? Idk actually I think like 9-10 hrs tho I slept in until 11

16. Opinion on ice cream cake? Tasty!!!

17. Opinion on (cup)cake frosting? It’s depends buttercream is usually too sweet for me in large amounts so I prefer whipped cream frosting

18. Last board game you played? Idk??? We played hunt a killer tho last Thursday me n my family I guess that counts kinda

19. Project you want to start? I need ideas first baby

20. Project you’re working on right now? HAHAHAHAHAHA

21. TV show you’re watching? nothing rn I just rewatch bojack a lot if I watch anything

22. Last movie you watched? Lego batman I think

23. Ever left anon hate? Not legit hate

24. Ever left anon love? Yes all the time. Sometimes to strangers it’s my favorite thing to do

25. Best Disney movie? The princess and the frog

26. Best Pixar movie? Soul or Up I can’t decide

27. Best Star Wars? Um. Empire strikes back

28. Last thing you consumed? Fuit gumy

29. NoTP? Idk I don’t really hate ships unless they’re gross like pedophilic gross

30. story behind your (nick)name? When I was a fetus my great grandfather had a dream that my name should be Carolyn Marie but my parents were huge dweebs so they named me Marina after the actress of Deanna Troi in Star Trek. Idk about my nickname ive just always been Rina/Rin as long as I can remember

31. ice cream order? Lately it’s lemon sorbetto I know it’s SO high in sugar but I love it

32. describe your blog in <5 words I love you

33. how many blogs do you follow? 436

34. Describe your voice it depends usually I sound like a sick child but my customer service voice is really pleasant

35. Describe your smile it’s cute :)

36. What is the place you live known for? LMAOOO LMAO we have a military base nearby and like. I could go on abt that one but also like. There’s a lot of gang violence and a lot of the other consequences of poverty. People from the cities around us see us as “””ghetto””” or violent but it’s just. It’s more than that it’s always more than that. And idk what else there’s nothing really particularly special about this town except that we’re all here and not anywhere else

37. What is the place you’re originally from known for? (if they’re different)

38. pronouns? she/any idc

39. Languages you speak? English

40. first friend you made through tumblr? Idk. I probably don’t talk to them anymore :(

41. Person on tumblr you know in real life? my brother

42. First dog breed you think of shih tzu I have 2 next to me rn

43. room wall color? Purble!!!! The paint color is called grape juice that’s why I picked it!!!

44. Song that’s stuck in your head right now? It’s tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that’s right on time it’s trickyyyyy

45. Favorite number? 5, 34

46. Color you associate with your name? Red

47. Favorite jolly rancher flavor?watermelon

48. Pets? 2 dogs rocket and groot and 4 cats loki danni who r from the same litter and we raised from kittens, miss kitty who we adopted from a shelter after my boy blue moon passed away and ben (his real name is Kylo Ren thanks to my mom but I refuse to call him that) he is my little baby and he has 7 toes on his front paws

49. Collections? Hot wheels

50. Character outside of your fandom you’d marry? Girl what lmaooo idk

51. Character outside of your fandom you’d kill? That’s mean :(

52. Have you met any celebrities? NO thank god id have to kill on sight

53. Favorite time period in history? Itslian Renaissance & Romantic Era

54. What time is it right now? 2:35 am oops

55. History or future? Future but like . A good one. Or prehistory

56. Space or ocean? Space

57. Fears? Abandonment

58. Command + v and post. It’s this list of questions u don’t want that

59. Favorite season? Spring

60. Describe your aesthetic. Messy just a mess, neon and old buildings and things, antiques, countryside if there weren’t so many trump pence flags still lmaoo give uppp give up, nature just al of nature and space and places humans can’t touch and places they used to touch but can’t anymore

61. MBTI? Infp but I haven’t taken it in a few years

62. What’s your relationship with your family like? Normal.

63. “Biggest fan” in your tumblr activity? I’m in mobile hold on acc to tumblr it’s akky

64. Favorite musical? Sweeney todd

65. Comfort book? Idk how to read 💔💔💔 wuthering heights tho

66. Comfort movie? Whisper of the heart

67. OTP? Girl idk

68. BroTP? Joey and Tristan yugioh

69. AUs or canon compliant? Canon ig idk

70. Opinion on the person who’s sending the ask? It’s an anon!! But I love them

71. FMK + 3 characters anon didnt leave any characters and I was going to say something very bad but I won’t

72. Dream date? I’ve wanted to do this for a while but ideally it would be after we’d been together a while maybe even engaged or whatever, I wanna go to like a Home Depot or a furniture store and pretend to be married and looking for house paints and furniture and plan what our home is going to look like I wanna do that so bad. But idk for a first/early relationship date i really want to go to the zilker botanical garden it’s one of my favorite places, we could also go to the natural gardener which is a plant nursery in Austin I really love it there too and it’s not that far from zilker.

73. Relationship status? Single

74. Ever dyed your hair? Do you plan to? Yes and perhaps. Maybe

75. Dream job/career? Idk anymore I used to have big girl goals and I haven’t had any in a while. But when I was younger I wanted to be a game warden

76. Favorite band/singer? Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

77. Something that makes you soft/that you find adorable? My cats

78. The first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Buy a house

79. Are you superstitious? Yes

80. Character you project onto? Shizuku tsukishima

81. Fictional character you’ve had a crush on? Vergil devil may cry. Forever husband

82. Celebrity crush? LMAO

83. Person on here you’d date? my mutuals

84. Person on here you’d marry? 🥺 my mutuals

85. Person on here you’d throw into the void? Smugg

86. Other social media you have? I’ve got a photography insta that I barely use and a Twitter that’s just nintendo switch screenies that’s it

87. Finish the sentence: Due to personal reasons, ___________i will be passing away

88. Bad habit? I find it rlly hard to say no or like to say when and why I’m upset I don’t feel like for the latter I don’t feel like I should bring something that’s upsetting me up because I know I’ll get over it on my own and I don’t really trust myself to be upset about rational things. Idk I’m working on it

89. Three things you like about yourself? I’m hot, I’m kind, I’m resilient

90. Ily and you deserve the world I love you!!!!! YOU deserve it too!!!

[trochantertales]

I won’t take up 30 posts with this but rather do it all in one sitting. It’ll be good to evaluate myself properly for the first time in awhile. 

1. cw: 129 - haven’t done body measurements in a couple weeks. Will update soon.

2. 5′10″, Yes I’ve always liked being tall. 

4. Doing permanent damage to my body.

5. I miss how I felt when I was in the depths of this years ago. I know that sounds crazy. But that time is almost romanticized. I had little real world responsbilities, I was reading and creating things, and in school, and meeting my favorite people, and thin, and working out, and excelling in my sports, and it was all so perfect. I want some of that back. I believe I’d feel more confident for myself and for my boyfriend if I was thinner now too. Elegantly thin. A sharp jawline and sleek collar bones, highlighted from the light leaking in from the window. Like being thin would suddenly make me profoundly interesting too...   

6. No

7. No, They are aware of my past with restrictive eating and would be very concerned. They know I’m not eating sugar for health reasons but thats it. 

8. Yoga, Spinning, Hiking, and try to run but Im not very good at it. (I aim for daily workouts, but I don’t always get that in. Although I just ordered a spin bike for my home!!!)

9. The only comment I can really recall was pre ED when I was less conscious of my body and my mom kindly pointed out my jeans were too tight because it was squeezing my hips out the top. I know it wasn’t anything critical or negative. She was trying to do me a kindness so I didn’t dress unflatteringly. And I am grateful for that. But more than any negative comments, I always was the skinny friend, and I longed for those comments to continue. 

10. Eating out with friends. ED’s are incredibly lonely. 

11. I can’t recall the blog or her username, but I can see her profile photo in my mind. She was quite popular on blogger back in the day. Looking for new blogs to follow currently if you have any great suggestions. 

12. Nothing for breakfast. Smoothies or 1/2 veggie sandwich or granola bar for lunch. Veggies or small grilled chicken or eggwhite omlette for dinner. 1 small square of dark chocolate to satisfy sweet tooth. 

13. Both. My therapist always told me I liked to play both doctor and patient. I like to skirt a fine line, I restrict (currently just minimal daily food, but in the past would fast for a day, or days, or a week, the longest was just over 2 weeks). I was unhealthy but never dipped into a place that was too dangerous. I never wanted to die. I just want to be thin. I also love to work out, so I find a balance between restricting and working out. 

14. I think I’d like to be around 115 or 110. When I was down there previously of course I wanted to keep on losing. But I think thats a reasonable goal for myself. 

15. Im mostly vegetarian. We only eat meat on occasion. I don’t notice too much of a difference between diets for me. I feel less heavy when I dont eat meat which I prefer. Eating meat is more of a rare indulgence. 

16. End of high school. I worked at a cafe, and in the beginning it was a perk to be able to snack on things throughout the day for free. A muffin here, some chicken strips there, a small scoop of ice cream, grilled chicken salad...  At some point after eating during the work day, I grabbed a plasic spoon and went on break and tried to purge. (Its not for me). After this, I decided my path would be focused on restricting. I remember going to my high school boyfriends house and telling him so proudly that I had only had a smoothie and a cliff bar the entire day. I was hooked from there. 

17. Yes. My therapist was not one who liked the make an official diagnosis. Although she categorized me somewhere along the lines of EDNOS with Anorexia Nervosa tendencies. 

18. Certain foods really stand out to me. My friends’ moms fried chicken. My fried tacos. Almost anything sweet. Chips. Perfectly buttered toast. They all represent something to me, but I’m relatively good at distracting myself now. Only rarely do I give in to these temptations. 

19. It’s been over a year since I’ve had fast food (as in a drive thru business). The only one I really liked was Taco Bell (and chic fil a but stopped going there years and years ago for political reasons). Ever since I really focused on clean and organic foods, fast food hasn’t appealed to me. 

20. A healthy diet of veggies and fruits is always nice and refreshing. A diet program I turn to most often is the ABC diet. 

21. Pants (used to be 25, currently a 27/28). Shirt (a S but I prefer M or L for a baggy fit). 

22. My lowest weight was around 110-113. I gained while in therapy several days a week and focusing on my passions in life. Things were going really well in my life and my need to control things was redirected into my athletic and creative goals. 

23. Media has a large role in motivating me to remain sick. Im not so sure it was a role in me wanting to lose weight. Once I was ill I rewatched Girl Interrupted, Thin, Intervention, Whats Eating You, Super Slim Me, Supersize vs Superskinny, Biggest Loser etc. over and over and over again. 

24. I don’t believe anyone who suffers from an ED is For any of this. I think it more accurately describes an individual as “actively-Ana” or “acitvely-Mia.” 

25. I’ve only successfully purged once. As I said earlier, it’s not my thing. My friend who struggles more with bulimia suggested I could try using a toothbrush and tickle my tonsils. After a lot of gagging and sweat, I was able to purge a good amount of my meal. But I hated the idea of eroding my esophageal lining. And in the end, restricting was just easier for me. Tidier. More control. More discipline. Reflected my personality more. 

26. A different kind of confidence, and a certain mentality that I truly miss in my creative process. 

27.  If I can avoid it like, avoid going into the kitchen to grab something, then its very easy. It tests me when sitting around a table filled with snacks. So if I can keep my hands occupied with a hydroflask of water, thats what I focus on. And I’m always in my head from the beginning of meal. Who am I wish. What are we eating. What else have I eaten today. What else do I have to eat today. How many calories is the meal. How many calories can I afford to eat. etc etc. And when I have a plan, I stick to it. 

28. Yes. I’ve always had a thigh gap growing up and even through my 20s. Only in very late 20s and 30 have I felt the very top of my thighs rub together if I walk a certain way and it makes me feel seriously ill. I miss the days of standing with my feet tightly together, upright, butt tucked (not sticking out like IG influencers for better angles), and still having a gap. 

29. Passionate Brilliant people with an unwavering sense of self. 

30. Ill continue to update my stats, especially since I did this all in 1 go vs over a month. 

[astorytellerforthatgirl]

Who is Maine Mendoza for this Storyteller?

Maine is just a simple celebrity for me as I watched her first in July of 2015. Few months after that, I started venturing in my inconsistent freelance career. I’m a home-based content writer submitting my outputs through email or uploading in a Wordpress admin account. I’ll make sure at 12:00, I have to watch Eat Bulaga to have a glimpse of her. As the days passed by, I just find myself laughing and smiling at the slapstick comedy and funny antics of her silent character relying on Dubsmash.

I did not know it was a point of no return of my fangirling on Maine.

Being in a fandom is not new to me. I was an active UAAP vball fan before to the point I would even watch highschool vball games to know who are the prized bluechip recruits all UAAP teams want to have in their program. I made my Twitter account almost a decade ago to follow the Gosiengfiao sisters (Alodia and Ashley) to interact with them via tweets. Also, through Twitter and other socmed sites, I got to be in a fangroup of Pinay American Idol finalist Thia Megia and saw her in person. Through social media too, I met other fans of our Olympian Yan Lariba and met her in a friendly encounter.

I know the good side and also the bad side of fangirling. I’ve been into useless arguments with online trolls and I admit their words get to me…until I just learned to be indifferent and not mind it at all. Then here comes Maine. I was hesitant to be a vocal fan because of her immense popularity but again she just have that “something” in her that I want to root for.

I started profiling Maine like how I used to in the other celebrities I look up to her public accounts like Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Ask.fm and lastly her blog….

MAY BLOG SI MAINE!!!

MGA KAPITBAHAY MAY BLOG SI MAINE!!!

Yes, I was surprised to know she has a blog!! My writer heart is leaping with joy!! That was the conviction I told myself it would be easier to fangirl for her since writing is my core and passion.

I started following her and knowing more about her like how she is close to her family, the rumors she went to PBB Auditions, and her other past Youtube uploaded videos. But I was still a silent fan back then since I am clueless how to handle a barrage of comments from other fans once I begin to be vocal. I am happy as a silent fan until the inevitable thing happened…

Maine released her Open Letter in November 26, 2017.

Yes, I won’t forget how I cried after reading it and not enjoying the ice cream I am eating on a Sunday afternoon. I began to connect the dots. I wanted to hate some people and wish them to have double, triple the pains of whatever Maine felt. I do want to start expressing my support for her to prove there are still like me…”isa sa sampu” fans of Maine.

The problem though is I am still at a down moment by that time. I failed to handle the pressure of a teaching career. I love the kids inside the classroom but the paperworks overwhelmed me. Attendance, quizzes, understanding the lesson plan, submitting other requirement, etc---those did not fare good for me. I just realized I only want to be with the kids even if I am with them 6-7 hours straight, I don’t get tired at all. I found out I like to be a public speaker but I cannot cope up with the tremendous responsibilities of the teacher.

Being an overthinker, I felt I failed again not myself but my family and everyone who believed in me. I was down for months and clueless what to do next. I even think if there would still be a company or business owner who would take risk with me seeing my resume with months of no work as I rested after resigning from the teaching post.

I thought of how I am a burden again and have no direction in my career, whereas my batchmates might already be settling down with their partners, finishing their master’s degree, or exploring more of what they can do abroad. There I was, clueless and do not know again where to start. I am just thankful I have a supportive family and set of friends who waited until I got tired of being afraid and overthinking.

There were even days I wish I can just sleep forever and not wake up to those clueless and empty days again. I was also telling God that time I wish I was the one He took instead of my papa who passed away in 2007 due to an illness. Because my papa would be able to help my family instead of my inconsistency, fears, and overthinking. I was in that bargaining stage and I am too blinded, hurt, and tired to see my own worth and potential.

In those dark times, I would pray for a direction…for an enlightenment. Angels in the form of my friends and my family gave me words to fight back. It was enough to hold on….until I saw an excerpt from Maine’s book through an online article of cosmo.ph promoting her book:

“Things may go from bad to worse and you might feel like it’s never going to change, but believe me when I say it will get better. Everything will be all right, I promise you. We may have our own different battles, but remember there is only one God. He is always looking down on us wherever we go and whatever obstacle we face. You may currently be in a lot of pain, but you never know what God has in store for your future.

Marami pang magagandang bagay ang mangyayari sa buhay mo. Magtiwala ka. Kapit lang, laban lang.

P.S.  If you are looking for a sign on whether you should still hold on or give up, this is it. Hold on tight, my dear. Don't you ever give up; never ever give up. “

I cried and smiled after reading it. “Ikaw talaga Lord ha, si Maine pa pinadala Mo rin para sabihin kaya ko pa.” The darker those moments are for me, the brighter are all the Bearers of Light shone in my life. I begin to see more how my mama is patient with me, how my brothers would ask what do I want to eat or where do I want to go, friends who would tell me they will meet me anywhere I wish to be…and that excerpt from Maine’s book.

So I told myself: May laban pa ako. Isang subok pa.

It took me until January to gather all my guts. I started editing my resume. I came back to my freelancing career by looking for homebased jobs. It was also the time I just thought of blogging for Maine. I was still doubting if I am ready to be a vocal fan…but I know in my heart if God is telling me to do something even if I am still scared or doubtful of it.

I posted my first entry about Maine on this tumblr account. What comes next are series of unexpected blessings coming in my way…I did not look for them but the opportunities found me instead. Here are some of them:

(a)    Got a DM asking if I can write for Clairedelfinmedia.com after they read my blog about Maine and Nadine parallelisms

(b)   Got invited twice to Maine’s bday party by generous fans. First is when I told her she is a Bearer of Light and we are her 10th heartbeat in the #EnchantressMaine23. Second is when I co-host in the #DearMaine bday event.

(c)    An anonymous fan who works abroad gifted me a Microsoft Surface Tablet just because she is thankful for my support for Maine.

(d)   Meeting some fans who are as level-headed and as classy like Maine I felt I attended a business conference instead of a fan event.

(e)   Getting back on my feet again to find the direction in my career.

Also, I am grateful my mama is a silent fan of Maine. You see, I am already in my late 20s but she treats me like a pre-teen kid and I find it difficult to ask permission to go to different places and stay late. Kung pwede 6pm sa bahay na ako at may number si mama ng lahat ng kasama ko para mapanatag siya. So I was surprised it was easy for me to ask permission going to Maine’s bday event even if I come home late at evening. As my mama said, “May swerteng dala sayo si Maine, puntahan mo lang pag meron.”

Of course, going back to my freelance career is not as smooth as what I expected. Rejections and no follow-up interviews came, some would even ask me to stop writing for them and they would just pay me for the weeks I wrote, or I have already written an article then suddenly my contact person said the client forgot to ask for the specific writer and that isn’t me.  

It was still difficult but I am grateful to find this new courage, thanks to God’s constant faithfulness in my life and to all my Bearers of Light. In 2018 too, I found CCF, a Christian church whom I am comfortable with in sharing my flaws and mistakes. They focus more on God’s grace, justice, and mercy for everyone than other close-minded religious people or groups who condemn sinners.

Thanks to Maine too, I started to try new things which I still hesitated before. I remembered reading her IG post on her skydiving experience. She encouraged us to try things out even if we are still scared. In 2018, I tried acting workshop and auditioned in a production house for a voice-over artist. I even tried if I could be a female reporter in an FM station. Although these things haven’t yet prospered for me, I am happy to try it out and see what else I can try aside from writing.

At present, I invested in a copywriting module and joined an uplifting and supportive Filipino community of freelance copywriters in a Facebook group. I am determined to venture into copywriting because it is parallel to my passion in storytelling and writing. The process of improving myself excites me.  I am a homebased content writer (as of this time) who still have a lowpay rate but I am enjoying the flexibility of my time. Plus, the company I work for recently gave me incentives and gift certificates.

Going back to one of the dark times in my life and just want to give up, God sent His angels in different forms to remind me I still have to fulfill His purpose, His story, and His plans in my life. He intended to break my heart and dreams so He can form it with a new one. In those times, God chose Maine too to tell me I can and I will be able to do it with God’s help.

This is just a fraction of what Maine did for me. I am more than thankful and will always support her even in the future that she is a private citizen and enjoys that under-the-radar life away from the fame and attention of public.

Salamat talaga Maine sa lahat lahat! 

Bearer of Light, please keep on radiating! 

God rewarded your sacrifices and good heart.

Embrace the genuine happiness you have now.

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[mc-slowwalker]

I have a prime sub but it’s to karl… who never streams :’((( I miss karl he should stream more. I have literally never been gifted a sub and a friend of mine has been gifted so many like, george, ranboo you name it. 3 hours after I started typing this I got gifted a punz sub lets gooo. gonna be watching his mcc ad and we’ll see about the ads

so true I 100% agree. cheating is always morally correct. “academic integrity” like okay uni whatever you say it’s literally has no weight if you’re studying to pass an exam instead of actually learning. we should be studying to learn not pass an exam. yeah exactly!! knowledge shouldn’t cost this much.

lmaooo trueee and also moood. (about the antisocial/awkward stuff I feel like to didnt make sense just like that what I was referring to with the next sentence starting with “like”) like I feel bad about feeling toxic about the twitter updates account thing because like I’ve been a person from the twitter updates account but like I’m not toxic for no reason afterwards. yeah it’s 100% so frustrating!! like a while ago I remember seeing “oh I’m not sending dts on dream’s behalf I’m sending them on mine” like huh???? do you not see the problem with that??? ughhh I get you tho I was annoyed with the kaceytron stream as well. I didn’t watch it tho like I watched a bit and was like fuck this then left. yeah I also hate it when he goes on streams of people who actively talk shit about him like :/// lowkey I feel like I’m just a bit too defensive of him sometimes because of all the unnecessary shit he gets from so so many people but at least I recognise that ig. I swear tho, his twitter stans get him in wayy more shit than he does. like that one account that counted the days made me so mad. but yeah it is kind of the same stuff. like I try not to cause I know it’s the same but like when I do it, it feels justified and not just being shitty for no reason but take away all that and it is really the same. like not to be a gatekeeper buuuuut. I’m very good at ignoring it all tho

that’s really cool but also spanish as a requirement in uni (/college idk)??? never heard of that. oh dang that’s cool I’ve always wanted to know more languages. language and the way people use it and like communication in general has always been so interesting to me. I want to say something about like my strong use of “like” now cause I’m noticing it. yeah exactly, the way people communicate online is so interesting!

tubbo should start war with foolish about the beets. that would be funny I think. and amazing lore. cause like not all lore has to be all high production. like I love hugh production lore, I love funny, silly lore, I love “semi” lore I’d enjoy it all. just log onto the smp and like idk do literally anything I will count it as lore. everything that has ever happened on the smp is canon to me. tubbo could literally just like nuke someone and start a whole new storyline. he should nuke the prison. I would say nuke foolish’s summer home over the beets but I’d be too sad about that and it’s a bit of an overreaction. there is much potential and I love tubbos character. also ranboo?? he just said that enderwalk was c!ranboo with all his memories and just like dipped and went to the uk. I do get that they’re all very busy tho and it can be difficult to find the time and all that I haven’t watched much of the bear smp but it looks cool and I may get into it at some point. I feel like I just don’t have any time these days tho

he didn’t drop off the face of the earth!! he did a 5 hour long merch vc. I am australian 😔✌️so I was asleep for half of it but it was nice just listening to it when I woke up. sapanp singing was my favourite bit. like I listened to some of those songs afterwards cause I liked them but it just wasn’t the same😔😔

I feel bad for replying so late tho so sorry about that I just felt very not social all day but I do like that with anon I can kinda just come and go and it’s chill

Yooooo congrats on the gifted punz sub! Yeah I seem to have bad luck with gifted subs, random chance I’ve only gotten sapnap, the fundy gifted was a gift from a friend

The best knowledge is free anyways. Also uni/college always tries to guilt you like who are you the catholic church fuck off. Bruh I’m paying for your services you should be treating me good I’m basically a glorified customer

Bro you where a twitter updates account?? Props to you I am at all times in the worst position to know stuff. Unless I am actively live blogging I have 0 what’s going on. I’m always years late to new informations like I’ll check my phone and realize that I missed a whole lore stream. Also on twitter you can’t even send dts right??? Like here you can actually say the words death die & kill but on twitter you have to censor yourself. “Die” funny, a little threatening but ultimately can be ignored. “d13” hilarious not at all threatening?? Wait this makes it seme like I am cool with death threats I’m not but I’ve gotten a fair share and seen other people get them and they’re always funny to me. Telling someone to die isn’t funny but being told to die is very funny if that clarifies anything. I thinknI watched a lot of the kaceytron stream (however I watched it through a dream fan streaming the stream so she didn’t get any views/money) and the whole thing was extremely upsetting. I can be defensive of him too, not so much for him but more for me. I know he can probably handle most of it but how dare people insult stuff I like. It’s less defending his honor and more how dare people disrespect me through disrespecting things I like. Plus if it ever is too much for dream I know his friends will come in clutch. Bbh saying stuff is the indicator tm that what people are saying about dream is bullshit

Does college means something different to the rest of the world? In the us it’s almost interchangeable with uni except universities can give you a doctorate while college can only get you your undergrad. It’s less that spanish is required and more that we’re required to take two years of a language and I just chose spanish. I’ve met so many people who either only speak spanish or have spanish as their first language that knowing the amount that I do has actually come in handy. Dont think about the like thing too much trust me. It’s a really good comma and indicator that you’re speaking casually but the more you notice it the more upsetting it becomes

I think the beets could be a great plot point because beets suck and I hate them!! I really do like silly lore but I hate the effect it has on the fandom. I haven’t forgiven people for writing off the l’sandburg lore. In the words of the wisest man I ever knew “everything I do on the dream smp is canon to some extent”. Accept that silly lore is canon folks!! That’s what makes the dream smp so much fun! Also high production lore can be super lame guys please this is roleplay in minecraft chill

Wait about tubbo’s lore did we ever find out who stole the one nuke? I don’t watch a lot of ranboo’s stuff but I’m very happy that enderwalk ranboo is besties with c!dream theory is coming along nicely. Uno au my beloved. No about the bear smp stuff I’d also like to get into ballsmp, more of hermit craft, and 3rd life but I’m busy too? Like college hasn’t even started and I’m already sweating. Speaking of other smps do you remember that smp that karl and quackity were invited to but never logged on? Ahoddj that was hysterical. Never gonna watch it, just think it’s funny that they were invited and decided you know what nah

The 5 hour long merch podcast my beloved!!! I had two favorite parts (other than sapnap singing) the first was when he said the alright and we all complained enough that he decided to keep streaming and the second was the final alright where he said bye and then dipped with 0 hesitation while sap & george were still in the call sjsjdk

Again no worries I’ll always be here to answer no rush for anything I’m simply vibing at all times

[iphoneartgirl]

Summer’s Coming! And I’ve got big plans for this year’s week-long workshop at Idyllwild Arts. 

I’ve sent a letter to subscribers and some articles will be out soon on major mobile art websites about my plans but, in case you read this blog as your primary way of keeping up with my iPhone Photography and Art classes, workshops, and print sales, I want to publish the same letter here. 

It’s a bit longer than a regular blog post, so please open it on your computer or iPad instead of trying to read it on your phone. 

Hi friends,

Each of you is either a workshop participant or a subscriber to my blog at iPhoneArtGirl.com and, although I haven't started up a newsletter, I promised both to keep your contact info private and to update you from time to time about my iPhoneography course offerings and print sales.

It's in that spirit that I'm writing today to let you know a bit about what I'm planning for the last week of June this year at Idyllwild Arts. You may be in just the right place to take advantage of the program - or you may know others who might be. It's a letter, so I suggest you open this post on your computer or iPad instead of trying to do it on your phone.

This Summer at Idyllwild Arts

For over 70 years, people have come to Idyllwild, CA - to a beautiful and secluded campus high in the mountains above Los Angeles - to deepen their study of visual and performing arts. The Idyllwild Summer Programs and Arts Academy create a one-of-a-kind learning environment that attracts students of all ages from more than thirty countries and three continents.

Professional faculty provide the highest caliber intensive, immersive workshops at Idyllwild in photography, book and printmaking, sculpture, painting, ceramics, jewelry, Native American arts, film & digital media, fashion design, dance, music, theatre and creative writing.

I was honored to be invited in 2015 to offer the first mobile photography/mobile art workshop there. This year, from June 25-28, 2018, I will be leading a master-level class for photographers, digital painters and printmakers who are using their iPhones and iPads to capture, construct and print complex, high-resolution images.

What I Want to Do This Year That’s Different

For the last six years, I have treasured my teaching/learning experiences with students of all abilities and skills at a wide variety of venues from community arts workshops to college campuses, Apple Stores, and arts centers like Idyllwild.

This last year of my life has overflowed with change and now that this year’s Idyllwild catalogues have arrived, I want to take a few moments to frame up what I’m dreaming for this summer’s week-long residency there.

More and more of us, including me, have been using mobile devices for quite a while now to make serious digital images, both photographic and painterly. After 5-8 years of daily practice, it’s no longer such a stretch just to wrap our heads around apps - although there are many that still challenge even the most experienced digital image makers and editors.

What I’ve been noticing recently is that the “new-app-highs” that provided so many of us with a continuous stream of joyful daily discovery for many years are getting fewer and farther between. App developers have delivered - and continue to update - more and more powerful professional tools for iPhones and iPads and many of us have developed habits using them to shoot and edit, almost reflexively. Our commenting and self-publishing processes on social media have tightened up quite a bit, too, and I notice many of us spending less and less time using FB and IG and other social media for shared learning.

On the one hand, these trends sadden me because I’ve so thoroughly enjoyed the tumultuous, fast-paced, 24/7 global learning and development process called the “mobile art community.” Playing “chasing new apps” with fellow artists and helping developers test and add new functionalities to apps has earned me valued friends and professional colleagues while bathing me in continuous motivation to stretch my skills, take wild chances in my creative process, and share the thrills of new discoveries and possibilities in a wide, multi-talented global community of digital artists.

What a magnificent ride it’s been, these last 8 years! A thrill of a lifetime as an image-maker!

On the other hand, over the last 18 months, I’ve watched my own creative process burrowing deeper - instead of always wider - and this shift has opened a new wonder-land for me to explore. (As I’m fond of saying, I make images using my mobile devices that are nothing like the images I used to make with traditional cameras and printmaking processes.And I have loved this discovery!!!) And, at this point, the deeper I go into creative image-making with mobile devices, the more interested I notice I am becoming in the elemental processes of attentive human vision and precise visual communication - with myself and others - in person.

Given the fact that mobile devices make capturing images we can deploy in our visual communication much cheaper, faster, and easier, the agenda I’ve been putting together for this year’s week at Idyllwild is both more playful and more challenging than workshops I’ve offered previously because it’s focused on live, attentive vision and creative visual communication, not just app-mastery.

This summer, we will work together using camera apps with which you may - or may not - be familiar, I’ve chosen them not because they’re “cool,” but because I love the quirky ways they demand our attention to VISION and PERCEPTION.  We will also do daily practice with new - or neglected editing apps. Again, not so we’re laser-focused on mastering the apps’ “cool factors” but, instead, on using them to play with vision and perception and visual communication strategies that allow us to let go - sometimes - of our habits in pursuit of ever more playful and creative visual communication.

Of course, I hope it goes without saying that there will also be ample time and space to address technical and process questions while making new friends face-to-face..

I’m eager to play full-out this summer with mid-level to experienced mobile photographers and artists who want to give themselves a week to explore your creative depths with others eager to do the same.

If you can identify with what I’m saying here, and have time to spend a week “on the mountain,” I hope you’ll come join the Idyllwild cohort and play your way into an even deeper and more satisfying relationship with your creative vision.

If you don’t have the time to join us this year, I still want to share a few gems I’ve found well worth my attention lately and might be worth yours.

“Ours is only that to which we are genuinely related by our creative activity, be it a person or an inanimate object. Only those qualities that result from our spontaneous activity give strength to the self and thereby form the basis of its integrity.  - Erich Fromm

https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/05/07/erich-fromm-escape-from-freedom-spontaneity/

https://www.brainpickings.org/2013/08/12/on-looking-eleven-walks-with-expert-eyes/

https://youtu.be/ZA92l6KwuT4 (Listen/watch thinking about how you use your iPhone camera to make pictures.

http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/06/02/denise-levertov-letters-creativity/

I send you all my love and gratitude for learning and sharing with me on the mobile social photography/art platform.

Read more about this year’s Idyllwild session, June 25-29, and register, if now’s the right time for you: 

 https://www.idyllwildarts.org/summer/adultarts/summerprintmaking/

[bryanllamado]

ATM with Bryan | 23

We’re finally doing this thing… again. Welcome to ‘how to be bryan.’– the reflections and musings of a young professional on a pursuit to educate and live purposefully. What about that intro, though? Haha! Just trying to open this entry in a different manner this time. It has been 3 weeks since I last wrote and published an entry here, and I took some time off from updating the blog to *sort of* absorb the fact that the new year has come. Well, the year started just fine, but there hasn’t been any obvious change if we were to compare it to the previous one.

To those of you who have been reading the blog for years now (and have been here before my hiatus), you may have stumbled upon this ‘ATM with Bryan’ series where I talk about my currentlys. The last time I have written a volume under this series was in 2018, after the 1st semester of my last year in college. Now, I have been off of school for a year and a half now, and a couple of years older. Isn’t that insane? Time flies so fast, indeed. But we’re not here for that, so I’m giving you a list of my ‘at the moments.’

C U R R E N T L Y

Reading

Worlds of You by Beau Taplin. This is Taplin’s second collection of poetry, first published in 2017. (I know) I am years late, and only learned about this during the ECQ after I asked my IG friends to suggest poetry books for me to read. On another matter, it’s also one of my goals this year to read more (poetry) books because I don’t think my schedule can cater novels. *bleeds in metaphor and imagery*

Writing

the 23rd volume of ATM with Bryan, alongside some songs and poems. Just like what I mentioned in my past entries, I’m ~trying~ to go back to my roots. I’m looking forward to rolling out content for the Valentine’s Day which includes *insert a list of planned online gimmicks* and then some. I just feel like now is the perfect time for us to spread love and actually do so.

Listening

to Spotify’s Hallyu Boy Bands playlist. Isn’t it surprising? Well, the old Bryan that you know is gone. *face palm* To my defense (in case you’re confused AF), I’ve always had a diverse taste in music and it just happened that a few weeks ago, I was listening to a random K-Pop playlist when I heard TXT’s CROWN and the chorus just stuck in my head. I knew I had to give in and listen so yeah. #justified lol

Thinking

about how to handle my finances better during this time of the year. This is one of the constant conversation pieces now that I’m a young adult. I started 2020 on a bad note financially by splurging on unnecessary stuff and not realizing that a ~no work, no pay policy~ pretty much exists. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, but the thing is, I don’t even have money to spend in the first place. So why bother? *insert GCash number*

Smelling

the alcohol scent from my hands. Here’s a reminder for you all to STILL sanitize and follow the minimum health standards. *winks*

Wishing

for motivation to finish all my assigned tasks and activities this week. I’ve always been an intrinsically motivated person as I do things out of love and passion, but the old Bryan is gone. Haha! Not that I don’t love what I do now, I need extrinsic motivation now more than ever, and I think I’d appreciate it in material manifestations. Long story short, hindi talaga sapat ang love lang! *sighs*

Hoping

to be more organized and to have more storage space in my room. I’ve been watching a lot of lifestyle vlogs recently and I’ve seen some creative ways on how to maximize your space. I also hope to declutter my stuff and get rid of the ones that no longer serve my goals and interests for the New Year. The bad thing about it is that I’m sooo sentimental. I don’t just throw my stuff away– not even coffee receipts and movie tickets from years back.

Wearing

a red pambahay shirt and a pair of swimming shorts.

Loving

my new set of fave Starbucks drinks! Oh God, I can’t stress enough about how addicted I’ve been to some SB drinks these past few weeks. My top three drinks (on the menu) at the moment were Iced Caramel Macchiato, Iced Chai Tea Latte, and Iced Hibiscus Tea with Pomegranate Pearls, and off the menu, I love the Barista Drink, Pink Drink, and Tiktok Drink. I can def write a whole entry about this but yeah. #coffee_forever_and_ever

Wanting

to meet up with my friends who I haven’t seen in a while. I just thought of this now, and while I have internet friends who I can converse with to vent out and rant, I’d also love to catch up with my friends. Zoom meetings are not enough! Good conversations would be better over good food, so to my friends out there, baka naman. I would need money first, though!

Needing

a new phone or tablet. I was supposed to gift myself a new phone last year but due to money matters and delays, I did not meet my expected budget. Quite frankly, this isn’t an immediate concern as my current phone is still very functional, but for me to fully multi-task and maximize productivity, I need a separate phone for gaming, video editing, and file management.

Feeling

bombarded and mentally overwhelmed. I’m grateful for the work and endeavor that I have right now, but now is also the time when I want to pursue artistic and creative pursuits– just like this blog. I want to work on my passion projects, but the guilt eats me up when I try to set my professional tasks aside. I’ve felt so overwhelmed at times that I end up not doing anything. #jokesonme

Clicking

through some podcasts episodes. I think I’ll write an entry about this soon, so watch out for that. I’ve been consuming a lot of audio content in the form of podcasts, for I have grown tired of the current YouTuber culture of pranks, click bait, and nonsense content. Praise the heavens for podcasts! I have discovered a lot of local podcasters and met people through the podcast community– like the AWJP x SOS Fam.

This is where the entry ends for today.

Please check out the other entries on the blog and if you have any requests or any topics you want me to write about, feel free to send me a message.

Till the next entry!

Bry. x 012320

[stillyour-sweetheart]

back

Okay, wow. So… let me start off by saying I have absolutely no idea how to write this post. I feel a lot of made up “pressure” to be able to write/explain what’s happened ever since I’ve last been active on this website but I know that that’ll be hard to do perfectly… so I’m going to give myself some wiggle room and simply do my best in expressing what happened, how I felt, and what’s been going on.

So, my name is Annie and I used to run a blog on this website called humanseoul. That blog was not only my creation and baby, but it was also a deep part of me and my being. I ran it for over eight years and I allowed it to capture me at my highest and lowest points. It was a place I could turn towards whenever and it supported me as much as I supported it. Running that blog was amazing and it grew bigger than I imagined it to. Not only was it a creative outlet for me (I started out as an amateur gif maker), but it became a platform for me to use to connect with others in ways I didn’t even know was possible. My inbox was always open and I soon became not only a personal/aesthetic blog, but it became somewhat of an advice column blog. Users (who remained mostly anonymous) would come to my inbox to ask for advice or simply just to tell me about their day. It was a wonderful feeling and my heart would light up whenever I would see a notification(s) of a new message. There were so many things users would tell me… so many stories of relationship issues, grief, stress, triumphs, secrets, and random bits about their day or life. I loved it and I had so much fun reading all of them. There was even a time where I would log in to see tens of messages waiting for me to open and respond to. It was truly a feeling like no other. Having a personal space that was not only safe for me but also for OTHERS made me feel, in a weird way, purposeful… like I was more useful to others than I thought was possible.

I admit, during the time I had my blog I also experienced some of the worst emotional anxiety, stress, and overall lows that I’ve ever felt in my life. I felt like I was constantly running towards a goal that wasn’t even really important to me – yet I felt like I couldn’t stop. I went to counseling on and off, my grades fell then went up, there were applications and rejections, family fights and makeups, tears, stoic expressions, and of course— small moments of joy. With that being said, I know that I used my blog to escape reality and the actual struggles I was going through. I spent so much time trying to help others by using this platform rather than take time to focus on myself and get my life “back in order” (whatever that means… still not sure if I know what that means haha). So in a way, I had an unhealthy obsession with my blog. I wanted to be the safe haven— the safe place that I felt so desperately that I needed for myself yet be that place for others as well. I put pressure on myself to log on every day in order to maintain my blog and answer all the messages I got. I wanted to do a quality job so I would spend a lot of time typing out responses on a separate word document so that I could give replies that were considerate and thoughtful. Yes, it was tiring and yes, I know I had a slightly unhealthy obsession with it— but overall it was so fulfilling and fun. It was reality yet it wasn’t… it was whatever I made it to be.

Fast forward to sometime last winter (was it January?)… I get a DM on instagram asking me whether or not I had been on my blog lately because I’d been blogging some inappropriate content that wasn’t like me… of course I freaked out and tried to log in only to find that my password DIDN’T WORK. Someone had hacked my account and changed my password. During that time I was taking post-bach classes that were extremely important for me and my future steps forward with my educational/career goals… but I dropped what I was doing and desperately tried to change my password/log onto my email to reset it… but they had changed my email’s password as well… and I had no way of resetting my blog’s password. I even went as far as emailing (with a different email account I have) the tumblr staff… only to be met with the fact that they couldn’t do anything about it. So my blog, my safe place, the place I had made not only a place for myself but also for others to find solace… had been infiltrated and controlled. Every time I refreshed my page I was met with inappropriate photos that went against tumblr community guidelines. My heart sank because humanseoul wasn’t mine anymore. I felt defeated and violated. Two days later I tried again to log on and check my blog— only to find that the tumblr staff had deleted it.

I remember feeling so empty yet angry, blank, and utterly helpless when I realized my blog had been taken from me and then deleted. Literally wiped to obliteration, almost as if it never existed in the first place. All the messages I had answered, all the nice comments I’d received, all the personal posts, milestones, emotions, and history I had poured into that blog for the past eight plus years… gone within two days of the hack occurring. I didn’t stand a chance. I was so sad. A type of sad that I’ve never really felt before. I felt as though my hard earned work… a part of myself, had been ripped from me and I didn’t even get an opportunity to really fight for it. But at the same time I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t want my blog to be maintained only with inappropriate, sexual pictures. I didn’t want that to be the last thing people remembered my blog for. So in that sense, I was glad it was quickly deleted. Within the short span of those days after my account was hacked and before it was deleted, I had so many people DM me on instagram (I had it linked on my blog) to tell me that I had been hacked. So many people were concerned and reached out… many tried to help me get it back. I was so touched and I knew that would be the aspect I would miss the most about losing my blog – being able to both give and accept that type of support from people all around.

I was majorly bummed for a long time after that. Sure, my regular life wasn’t too affected by it (no one around me really even knew I had a major blog that was this important to me, except my older sister who was also very upset on my behalf) but I felt a huge part of me missing. I didn’t have my special place I could run to when things in real life got out of control. I didn’t have that platform I could use to easily connect with strangers and offer advice and support. As strange as this ALL may sound, my blog was a home to me, my emotions, and the friends and strangers I had met for OVER EIGHT YEARS. The relationship I had with my blog was longer than some of the relationships I have with my friends in real life! It was special to me and it was ripped away from me. People suggested I just remake my blog, start fresh. But how could I remake something that took me over eight years to build? A place that held so many memories and warmth because I was so blessed and lucky to never have experienced a negative moment or message from anyone. A place I would spend long hours into the night just being myself. I just couldn’t, so I held off. Humanseoul was gone and I didn’t even get a chance to properly say goodbye to anyone… sure the close friends I made throughout my time blogging I had on other SNS like IG and kakao … but what about the others? The ones who would come to me and say they visit my blog every day to find some peace of mind? The ones who would go on anon and regularly ask me how my day was? Or how I’m feeling lately? Or the ones who reached out once in a blue moon to check up on me and send me some love my way? What about them? What would they think of me? And of course those who’d come to me in hopes of advice or just a listening ear? I’ve even had anons promise me things like they’d come back to tell me how an event in their life went… but now how will they? I disappeared after offering support and guidance for 8+ years… what would be my story to them? But I guess that’s a realistic depiction of “the end.” You never know when it’s going to happen but it just does… and you feel the regret. You feel the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘but why’s?’ You feel like you have more time to say the things you want to say only to find out that it’s too late.

So I stayed off tumblr. I never logged back on. I was pleasantly surprised though, that no one could take the URL humanseoul because for some reason it was off the market. The blog had disappeared forever but I was honestly relieved to find out that no one could take its name and make it into something it wasn’t. I finished my post-bach classes, applied to dental school, and got in last December. This was a goal I worked on for years. An unreachable, unthinkable goal for me… at least in the beginning. A goal that caused me so much grief and confusion… and often time still does unfortunately. A goal I came into humanseoul having. I start school late August. But right now that’s hard to even think about because of what’s going on in the world. The global pandemic that’s happening has put life on pause… yet at the same time I feel like everyone is in a frenzy. Within that time I also worked a job I hated, am currently working a job I LOVE (although i’m currently furloughed), and have really experienced a lot of new things in general.

Life is tough and weird. You never know what’ll happen— whether it’s someone hacking your blog and having it get deleted or whether a new virus strikes the world. So much has changed. I’VE changed. Of course I wouldn’t be the same girl who first started humanseoul— that was YEARS ago! To NOT change would be a problem. I know that I’m scared of stagnation. I always strive to be better because I sincerely want to be better. I want to be the best human being I can while I’m alive and I want to share myself with others and the world like how I did with humanseoul. That desire has not and will never change. I’ve become more honest and open about my emotions and feelings. I’m not afraid to acknowledge and admit some of my deepest and most confusing/frustrating emotions. My goal of becoming a dentist? The goal I fought so hard to achieve? Well, I’ve had my second guesses— I always have. I never really wanted to do it. There were just so many outside influences that made me want it. I feel extremely grateful to continue on that path, but I’ve realized I probably would be better and happier doing something else like becoming a therapist or maybe even a graphic designer. Do I think becoming a dentist will be the worst thing ever? No, not entirely. Who knows if I would even be happy going into something other than that. But the fact that I can freely admit this is something I wasn’t able to do long ago and is something I wish I would’ve been able to do when I had a ‘following’ (I hate using that term!) because being honest with yourself is one of the best and most liberating gifts you can give to yourself. I wish I could have been a better model of that before. It’s too late to regret that now and I know I did the best I could back then while trying to grapple with everything I was dealing with. At least I know I’m capable of doing that now.

I thought a long time about what I would call my new blog. It’s a new beginning and I wanted the name to capture something about me. Honestly, nothing can beat humanseoul in my heart but I had to try. One of my favorite (if not favorite people) in the world is my grandma on my mom’s side. She always calls me ‘sweetheart,’ it’s like an instinct for her. She’s still alive and somewhat well but she’s old and I know her time with us is growing shorter and shorter. But no matter what, no matter how far apart we are or whether we’re alive at the same time, I will always be her sweetheart. I chose stillyour-sweetheart as my new URL because ‘still’ means “happening or existing before now and continuing into the present.” It essentially means “has been and will always be,” except in one word. It was perfect to me.

And so, in a sense I’ve been reborn. Humanseoul will no longer be, but I’m still here. I may not be the exact same as I was back during my extremely active days blogging, but hopefully I’ve become better. It’s funny because I feel like I’m writing to others still even though I have no followers and may never even get any. I know inside I have hopes of former followers seeing this and feeling my sincerity and gaining the knowledge of why I left so abruptly. I’m so, so, glad I got to interact with those that I did. I’ve had some of the happiest most fulfilling moments of my life helping out those who came to me. I would go through my ‘nice anon’ tag on the days I felt down and would be reminded of the fact that there truly is love and kindness out in the world even towards strangers. I was reminded of the good inside of me. I was gifted hope. I know no one is likely to see this, but thank you. I can’t say that enough. I just can’t. I felt loved, protected, cared for, and supported by online friends and people I didn’t even know. Thank you for those warm memories. My goal was to help others, but I feel like I’ve received more than I’ve given and for that I will always be grateful. 

I also know this whole post could easily come across as dramatic and overly emotional. I know that it’s highly likely that no one even remembers humanseoul or maybe no one even notices that it’s gone, but this is my truth and I stand by it. Regardless of whether or not anyone sees this or remembers me or humanseoul, I’m glad to have written this. I don’t plan on being as active as I once was when I was running my old blog. I’m not using this blog to gain followers and create what I did back then (especially since I’ll be starting hardcore schooling in the fall). I’m not trying to recreate humanseoul. There could never be another for me. However, I’m still the girl who once ran it. I’m Annie and I’m still here for whoever needs me. This blog is both for me and for you (if you wish!) and I’m more than happy to say that. ❤️

[minor-anti]

i wasn’t going to do this. i really wasn’t. but apparently i need to tell the entirety of this hellsite about my trauma in order for my opinions to be valid, so here we are. the reason why i'm a big filthy anti and why i'm against harmful age gaps in relationships.

under a read more, bc fuck is this gonna be long. tw for csa (specifically cocsa), emotional and verbal abuse, unhealthy & abusive relationships, manipulation, and cg/l

this whole ordeal started around two years ago, december of 2015. i had just turned 12, entered middle school earlier that year, and was completely miserable; one of my supposed "friends" had outed me as lgbt to my entire school, which was quite the problem seeing as i live in small town, bible belt georgia. this was also the year mental illness really started hitting me and i was questioning my identity (both gender and sexuality), so my life was just kind of a mess.

2015 was also the year i got into anime - more specifically hetalia, at the advice of one of my irl friends who loved the series. i even had a fan account on instagram, despite being 12, and that was how i came to know the aph rarepair kik gc.

the aph community on ig was kinda small at the time; the rarepair community was even smaller. i'm talking about ships that had less than 100 posts in their tags... which was really saying something since people often spammed tags. through one of these tags i met, and eventually became friends with, a user (lets call them ku) who invited me to join their aph group chat, filled with people who also shipped rarepairs. ecstatic at the prospect of new friends, i accepted.

this gc had about 20 or so members, ranging from 12 years old (me and two other members, i believe) to 18 years old. i was friends with all of them, but one in particular i hit it off with right away - a 15yo girl we'll refer to as ln, since her name is actually a trigger for me now.

we went from just being friends and talking in the gc to dming every single day. i felt as if i'd known her forever, and i'd had internet friends before (usually on forums made for children though) so i didn't feel the need to be suspicious. ln praised me for being intelligent and how i was much more mature than most people my age - an obvious red flag now.

eventually, in early february, she asked if i'd be okay being in a relationship with her, and my naive 12yo self said yes.

another activity ln enjoyed was roleplaying - and since we tended to like the same ships, i was her rp partner. eventually, even though i wasn't completely comfortable with it, they became sexual.

things really started to go sour in may. that was when i found out that ln had actually already been in a relationship when i started dating her, and that her (other) gf had broken up with her. she blamed me for it, and left me.

it's also important to mention that at this point she was slowly isolating me from my other friends in the gc. she was always picking a fight with the other members, especially the admins, which usually caused her to get kicked for a day or so. i'd always defend her, though, no matter what.

i've always had dependency issues; i rely on people for positive attention, and if i don't get it i can't function normally. i don't know why, it's just how i am. so when she left me, i broke. i cried and sobbed and begged for her to not leave me, because i needed her, i needed someone to help me function like a normal human being. i told her i was sorry i'd ruined her relationship, how selfish i was and how i'd never be able to fix it. she even ghosted me for a few days, and eventually said that sure, she forgave me.

until late august 2016 we were on and off. she'd leave, then come back, leave, then come back. it was supposedly because she was still upset over her breakup, and even though it wasn't my fault, i felt bad and said that i understood.

during the times that we were together, though, it was hell. the summer of 2016 was by far the worst one i have ever experienced. she constantly berated me, made fun of my dependence on her, and even questioned me if the things i'd done were real or if i just imagined doing them - which really hits home now because i'm kind of struggling with that exact issue rn.

eventually ln was kicked out of the group chat for her behavior and convinced one of the admins i'd been involved (even though i'd been at summer camp at the time of the final incident), causing me to also be kicked out and losing me a dear group of friends.

ln also continued to be extremely sexual with me, despite my obvious discomfort. i'll just say it up front: she was into cg/l. i still have a very vivid experience of her asking me to call her "mommy". at one point she even talked me into sending nudes, and wrote about how she wanted to have sex with me. looking back i know that these are all awful but i guess at the time i just didnt process it.

and yes, i was still 12.

finally, in late august, i found out that once again, she had been cheating. she was dating a 13yo. when i heard the news, i shattered. the one person i still had, the one i thought i could completely trust, had been lying to me. when i confronted her, she absolutel flipped told me how i was a nutcase, how nobody would ever love me because i was such a burden, said i was a freak that belonged in a hospital.

she even went so far as to harass and stalk me on other social media, causing me to effectively abandon my remaining ig accounts. (i briefly ran an aesthetics account under a different name before getting into yoi)

the last time we talked was january 2017, when she tried to talk to me on kik one last time and i blocked her. for good.

so that's why i'm an anti. because i was taken advantage of someone who was also a minor, but in a position of power over me. we won't even get into the fact that she was an avid pedo (i'm talking about 13yos and 30yos kinda shit) & incest shipper, and when i initially told her i was uncomfortable with those and they grossed me out - because i was, i literally started out as an anti - she told me it was okay because it was just fiction.

i want to keep people safe. that's why i'm here, that's why i opened this goddamn blog. i want minors to have a voice, to prevent what happened to me from happening to others. and maybe, yes, i can be a dick about it and maybe, yes, what happened was also mostly my fault - i still think it's at least somewhat justified.

[jonasmaurer]

A whole day, from start to finish

Hi friends! Hope you’re having a lovely morning. I’m looking forward to catching a barre class today, picking up a juicer from Facebook Marketplace (it’s the little things), and catching up on work stuff. I’d love to hear what you have going on!

For today’s post, I have an entire day from start to finish. It’s fun to write these every now and again and look at how much the chaos has evolved. (Like this one when P was a baby and Liv was a preschooler!) This was a pretty *normal* day for us right now, with a couple of exceptions: the Pilot was gone (I basically never have a clue if he’ll be around or not. Airline life is a new world, I tell ya) and the girls didn’t have any after-school activities. We’re running around doing dance classes, dance team (!), swim, and gymnastics, so this was a rare treasure when we could just chill at home after school. 

Here’s a peek into the day:

6:45am: I wake to the sound of my alarm. This is a MAGICAL thing because usually I’m already awake, from either Liv, Caro, or P (or a mixture of all of the above) waking me up at some point and my inability to go back to sleep. All three stayed asleep in their respective beds, all night, and this is worth a celebration. I squint and look at my phone with one eye open, checking emails, scrolling through Instagram, and within a couple of minutes, Livi walks in. We chat in bed and she tells me about her dreams, and we head downstairs for breakfast. On the way downstairs, I try to wake P, who is still crashed with her arms wide open. She’s usually the early bird -awake by 6 most days – so this is very surprising. 

6:55: Livi gets dressed and ready for school while I start their favorite banana-egg-oat pancakes, drink a morning detox drink, and put their lunches and snacks into their lunch boxes. I fill up water bottles, grab their vitamins (they take a kids’ multi, a probiotic, and vitamin D each day), and go back upstairs to try to wake P again. This time I’m successful, and she groggily carries her stuffed sloth downstairs to start the day.

7:20: Both kids are happily eating pancakes, so I rush upstairs to throw on a lululemon outfit + some moisturizer and brush my teeth. I make my favorite collagen coffee

(I use decaf organic coffee from Whole Foods, add a little monk fruit, and then heat up almond milk separately in the microwave. I add two tablespoons of collagen to the hot almond milk, and use my milk frother to froth it up. I pour the almond milk and collagen mixture on top of the coffee and take it with us in my beloved Yeti cup. It’s like a latte but with coffee instead of espresso with a protein boost from the collagen. It’s SO good!), do the girls’ hair while they brush their teeth, tie little shoelaces, slather sunscreen on them, and we’re out the door by 7:45.

9:10: I’m back home from both drop-offs and slam an applesauce pouch before hopping on the Peloton bike.

It’s my only chance for a quick workout, so I do a 30-minute Tabata ride and hit a new PR. This was a tough ride and I feel like I’m struggling to hit my previous PR the entire ride, but it feels awesome when I finally do it. I wash my face and get dressed quickly, and am on a conference call, drinking a smoothie by 10.

(1 cup almond milk, frozen cauliflower rice, 1/2 scoop Truvani chocolate protein powder, 2 tablespoons hemp protein, maca, 1 tablespoon chia seeds, cinnamon, blueberries, Nuttzo, and spinach. I’ve been using the Truvani protein lately and really love the ingredients, taste, and texture. It’s very sweet, so that’s why I only use half a scoop and mix it with the hemp protein.)

Supplements:

(DIM Detox -only for a couple of months – an adrenal booster, and B complex. Ali has been helping me with supplements and I love working with her.)

10:30 I’m off the conference call and get ready to head to a nearby gym for employee orientation. I’m finally going to start teaching classes more regularly, and I’m pretty excited about it! I’ve mostly been subbing classes since last summer. With the Pilot gone so often since he deployed and then catapulted straight into the airlines, it didn’t make sense for me to pay a babysitter more to watch the girls than I’d make teaching the class. So I subbed here and there, mostly barre, TRX, and spin, but I really miss having my own classes. I’m really looking forward to making my way back into the Tucson fitness community and have a couple of current options that include childcare. 

11:30 I’m back home! I make the beds, clean up the kitchen and wipe down the counters, run the eufy, start a load of wash, and drink a green juice.

I write a post for WebMD, the meat for this post, schedule social shout-outs, and send a couple of invoices.

12:40: Lunch! I made this Instant Pot soup for dinner one night and saved the rest for easy lunches. It’s one of my favorite combos: chicken, zucchini, bell pepper, sweet potato, carrot, onion, garlic, ginger, turmeric, rosemary, salt, pepper, and chicken broth. (It’s my standard recipe but I added some ginger and turmeric for this batch because I’m trying to eat as many gallbladder superfoods as possible.) I have it with a salad of spinach, cucumber, shredded beet, a squeeze of orange juice, and a dollop of vegan spinach artichoke dip from our Sunbasket delivery.

 (Not super pretty but was perfect!)

1:00 I get my nails done and pick up P! TBH I HATE sitting in the chair for 45 minutes because I get antsy, but it’s so nice to have my nails done and not worry about them for two weeks.

3:10 We’re back home from school pick-up and I make the girls a snack plate. They have one almost every day after school. It’s like a cheese board for kids: a mix of random snacky stuff for them to enjoy while they chill for a bit.

I take a little break to snuggle on the couch with them and watch some of the Les Mis 25th anniversary concert that was on PBS. Liv is surprisingly very into my G-rated version of the storyline, and after we watch Samantha Barks crush “On My Own,” I help Liv with her homework. Then both girls head outside to play for a bit.

My snack: an apple with some granola butter (obsessed with this stuff) and chocolate chips, plus a hibiscus hot tea 

The next few hours are the usual whirlwind of cleaning and cooking: switching out dishes and laundry, packing lunches, making + eating dinner, and cleaning up the dinner aftermath.

Dinner is a Sunbasket meal. We have two each week and I look forward to them because I feel like dinner only takes 15 minutes or so to prep on these nights. The girls are into shrimp, so thankfully this one is a huge hit.

The girls’ plates: 

(I give them fresh fruit with pretty much every meal, so I sliced up some apples to go with it)

my bowl:

6:45: We take the dogs for a 20-minute walk around the neighborhood. P rides her scooter, Liv walks Caro, and I walk Bell. Now that the weather has cooled down a teeny bit, we can walk the dogs more often, and they’re loving it. We figured out on our walk that Bella is going to be 14 in December!! I can’t even believe it. 

When we get home, it’s straight into the bedtime rituals: bath, books, brush teeth, story time, checking on Liv every 10 minutes until she’s crashed. In between checking on Liv, I hang out in the playroom and respond to IG DMs and emails.

9pm: Liv is asleep. I turn on Bachelor in Paradise, finish up this post, drink a golden latte, answer blog comments and any leftover emails, and crawl into bed.

11pm: Lights out and ready to do it all over again.

Some previous similar posts:

from April this year

from 2018 in Valdosta

When P was 8 months old and Liv was 4

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A whole day, from start to finish published first on https://olimpsportnutritionde.tumblr.com/

[wakkowraith]

Update-Thing

Hey! it’s really been a while, hasn’t it?

Thought i’d give a small update. idk how many people check these things but it makes me feel better that i say something rather than going dark again for months. 

Anyway.

Next week is all about finals and review classes. This school year has been an the best year overall, i’ve come out of my shell so much and my amazing boyfriend has helped me, i’ve made new friends this year and I just feel so.....proud, of myself. and its been a long time since ive felt so happy with how i am. 

for the past few years ive been very much a loner. i had no close friends and i was on here a lot, writing for you all, which made myself feel wanted, and appreciated, ig. it sucked that i was too much of an anxious kid to reach out to any of you and actually get to know you all. 

since i have come out of my shell a bit more, it’s been so much easier to talk with people, online and real life. ive been happier, and even though i still get scared to talk, ive gotten so much better at it. and im so much happier with myself. 

i’ve been writing a lot, too. not fanfiction, but original works, and the project we were working on at school helped me get a better feel for writing stuff other than short stories. i’m currently writing an episodic story, maybe eventually a tv show, who knows, i might not even stick with it. but i found that i’d like to become a screen writer, eventually, maybe attempt something in the future. 

but yeah! i dont know when i’ll write more on here or when ill get more active, if i do, but just know that i do check on here every once in a while, so if you wanna message me go right ahead! i know ill reply eventually. 

ive made a new blog, its technically my first blog but i finally found a use for it, even tho i haven’t posted much there yet, aha. @sfx-ell is my special effects blog, ive been getting to creepy special effects stuff lately, the blog doesn’t have much rn but you can also find me on instagram by the same name, sfx_ell.

i’ve had ideas with the egos, wanted to write a short thing about it, but haven’t finished it. if i dont end up finishing it, would anyone like to hear about the ideas?

i think that’s it? if anyone has any questions my inbox is always open! thanks for reading if you made it this far!!! <3