#i'd kill myself if that was my daily life

[colorisbyshe]

cats are the most demoralizing creatures on earth but like you can’t even get mad at them. like there is NOTHING as soul crushing as cleaning up a litter box just to watch them immediately rush in and take the stinkiest shit.

because like... yeah... of course you wanna use the clean litter box, you’ve probably been waiting, but also...... all my hard work.....

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for blocking my suicidal friend?

TW for suicidal ideation, mental health.I know this sounds bad but hear me out.

I (25F/NB) met F(26M) in January 2017, a few months after I started university through a mutual friend, and we quickly hit it off. We started dating a few months later. We split near the end of 2021, but aside from a few awkward months right after the split, we've stayed friends. We've both seriously dated other people: F had a girlfriend, A(mid-20s F), for a little under a year, and I've been dating my boyfriend, H (30M), for about 9 months.

Throughout the time we were dating, F and I had a few problems. Money was a big one: he would borrow money a lot and not always pay it back (either when he said he would or at all). He currently owes me about £8000 that he borrowed for uni. For most of the time since he borrowed it he hasn't been in work, so I haven't been pushing the matter. One of the last straws for our relationship was when he bought a brand new PS5 and lied to me about it when he had recently borrowed money from me.

The other big one was his mental health. F has been dealing with poor mental health for about as long as I've known him, but he refuses to do anything about it. He often talks about how much he hates his life and how he should just kill himself. He often punched himself in the head or punched walls when he was upset, but he refused to admit that this behaviour was unhealthy. He wouldn't go see a therapist or doctor, or speak to anyone except me. Once, when I was visiting family, he became upset about something and I was worried he would hurt himself, so I asked a mutual friend to check on him. He refused to let the friend in, and got very angry with me.I wanted to break up with him sooner but he'd often tell me I was the only good thing in his life, and I was scared he'd kill himself if I left him. We eventually broke up near the end of 2021. Fast forward to this summer. In August, A broke up with F and F had to move back in with his abusive parents. He initially asked to stay with me but I said no (I live in a tiny flat, I can't afford to financially support another person and to be honest I'm just not comfortable with it). I later changed my mind and offered him my sofa when I realised how bad the abuse was, but he declined.

Also in August, I found out my grandmother was dying. I went to see her with my sister and brother-in-law, and the same day received a message from F venting about his life. I replied with: "Hey I'm kind of dealing with something right now can you talk to someone else? I don't really have the emotional bandwidth rn"When he asked what was up, I told him my grandmother was dying. He expressed his sympathies, and told me that his stuff could wait. He sent me the following message four hours later: "I think I'm going to kill myself""I've totally ruined my life, I've got nothing except daily torture from my parents". Again, this is four hours after I'd explicitly told him I don't have the capacity for it. I spoke to my sister and brother-in-law (28F and 30M) about it and they both said I should block him.

In September I started a new job (I recently qualified as a teacher) which has been very challenging, exhausting and intense. My grandmother died at the end of September, so the past few months have been hard for me. He knows all this, but he keeps sending me all these messages about how much he hates his life and how he should just kill himself.

Early October, I was added to a group chat between A, F's ex, and a mutual friend Z. A told us that F had sent her an email that was essentially a suicide note. I called F and made sure he was okay, and passed that along to the group chat. F was angry that, as he perceived it, we'd been talking about him behind his back. He didn't speak to me for a day or so but quickly went back to normal.

At the end of October, the day before my grandmother's funeral, I woke up to a message that was essentially a suicide note. This was not the first time this had happened. I had a panic attack, though I'm not sure whether that was due to the message or imminent funeral. I send him some messages saying that I didn't want to receive these kind of messages unless it was actually something I could help with, that he wasn't respecting my boundaries and that the friendship had become entirely one sided. I told him that I didn't want to block him but I would. He seemed to accept that, but this morning I woke up to another suicide note message. After verifying that he was still alive (he is), I started writing this ask. I feel bad, but I'm so tired of doing all the emotional labour. I have my own shit to deal with and i'm not his therapist. WIBTA if I blocked him?

What are these acronyms?

[coffeeadict61]

Humans Are Weird: Female Rage

Report: #298

Topic: Female Rage

Rage: Violent or uncontrollable anger.

I have studied the human race for months now but today is the day I have learned to fear them. Forget their unpredictable bodies, or overly complex inventions, or the horrific moments that crowd their history. It was only today I feared for my life in the presence of a human being.

I often record anger in incident reports and the like, but women make up a very tiny proportion of that. They tend to "keep their cool" ( a human turn of phrase) better than men on average. This doesn't seem to be a natural attribute but more of a learned survival mechanism against violence and abuse. It only seems to break the surface in grief or after years of trauma. But the new astrophysics intern Colette [Last Name Redacted] showed me a new human emotion. Rage.

Our ships astrophysics department was partnering with our engineering department to design a small weapons craft to protect us from the "space pirates" or looters we keep encountering. I had created a bond of "friendship" with little Colette, I suppose little doesn't fit. She is above average height and slightly underweight, (she is having trouble adjusting to our menu due to "texture issues" which I need to educate myself on). Moving forward. She came to speak to me on a very serious matter a week ago exactly while I was on my daily rounds. This was the reason I was behind schedule, she has, and I quote, "little legs" in comparison to mine. Colette spoke of the weapons project she had been assigned too. She spoke at length about her supervisors who wouldn't listen to her. She had discovered a bug in the engine system. A four that looked like a nine or something of that nature, and believed it to put the test pilots in danger. She requested that I ask management to promote her so that her voice would be listened too. I tried to calm her worries but she was insistent so I told her I'd try to bring it up in the next meeting. That meeting was yesterday. In the six days between our conversation and my turn to give my reports for the management council, I had talked myself out of my promise. I figured that her superiors knew best and she was just ambitious and maybe she didn't see what she thought she saw. Regardless, it is the biggest regret I carry.

The test flight launched today. The entire crew was given an hour additional break to watch. Colette tried to prevent the launch, arguing with the head scientists, trying to show them test she ran digitally, but they had security pull her back. She came to find me, asking if I spoke to management. I didn't answer. The announcer counted down in human numerals.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 LAUNCH

I breathed a sigh of relief as the craft glided safely away, but Colette didn't, she didn't move an inch. The projects leader gave instructions through a radio. The experimental engines roared to life. Then, a moment of silence. Before the entire space craft was engulfed in a cloud of fire and gas. The silent explosion shook the floor beneath us as gasps and screams gave it a voice. The entire crew was killed. Many of them, friends or family of the onlookers. The onboard medic, the project leader's son and Colette's young husband. She collapsed to the ground sobbing, unable to stand on her shaking legs. I couldn't get her to move. I didn't try very hard.

Security swarmed the crowd, pushing them back from the windows and herding the grieving crowd to the different living areas. Many had to be carried. I carried Colette.

Hours later, after an emergency meeting and a meal, everyone was in bed. All but the council, security, the engineering department,and the astrophysics department. We sat in heavy silence as the project leader explained the error that lead to this tragedy. I studied him closely. No tears, just a stone cold face and a tremor in his hands. Suddenly the doors crashed open as Colette burst in. She wasn't grieving now. Colette grabbed the microphone from the leader's hand and threw it at the wall. It went straight through. Then she spoke. Shaking slightly, controlled rage gave the impression of bullets falling from her mouth with each syllable. "Murderers. You are all murderers." No one moved as we took on the weight of her statements. She spoke again but this time it was wasn't controlled. This time her rage wasn't an undertone but the message. This time she screamed it in a voice that echoed around the room and shook with each new sob.

"I TOLD YOU! I FING TOLD YOU THEY WOULD DIE! WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?! HOW COULD YOU KILL THEM LIKE THAT?! IT'S YOUR FING FAULT!"

She broke anything within reach. A mug, "THEY WERE YOUR TEAM!" a chair, "WHY DIDN'T YOU PROTECT THEM?" a table, "YOUR OWN SON AND YOU STAND HERE CALLING IT AN ACCIDENT!" her voice. "IF YOU HAD BELIEVED ME AND MY EVIDENCE INSTEAD OF PLAYING F***ING POLITICS…"

She stopped. She stopped screaming, stopped crying, stopped expressing her pain. She bottled it up and wiped her face with her sweaters sleeve. She just stared at him. Taking deep breaths as he shook under her gaze. "Why didn't you listen to him? To me?" He fought back his tears and straightened his jacket. "Abe knew the risks-" Colette stepped forward and punched him hard, his nose making an audible crunch. Blood stained her knuckles as she hit him again and again. Finally I got up and grabbed her around her middle, pulling her off before she went to far. The leader whimpered and leaned on a table as she fought to get to him. To tear him apart. Finally she just stood rigidity holding onto me. "Never say his name again. You aren't his father. You're a murderer and you never deserved Abraham." She spit at his feet.

"Coward."

I pulled her out of the meeting hall, locked her in her quarters, and stood guard. I relive her plea for me to approach the council on her behalf. I cannot deny my part in the crew's death and doubt I'll ever forgive myself. Colette will surely never forgive me either.

In conclusion, I advise the guilty professionals and researchers transferred and tried. Both for the safety of our crew and themselves. Their professional licenses should be revoked no matter the outcome of their individual trials. We also need to form a mental health department and start providing dietary options for all diets and sensitivities. I also advise (though I recognize my lack of authority on the matter) that crewmember Colette [Last Name Redacted] be released of all charges and assigned a personal therapist of her choosing. As for the other loved ones of our lost crew, they should also receive support options and memorials for their lost and any other requests we can fulfil. I pray we never have a similar story to tell the next generation.

Human Observer #5743

[genderkoolaid]

Do you still believe HRT, which unless you have a messed up endocrine system doesn't hurt or sterilize anyone , and SRS, which often calls for reduction or addition of things and doesn't have to entail the removal of any genitals, gonads etc, are in the same vein as being trans abled, and wanting things like debilitating illness, removed limbs, and to use mobility aids etc when physically and mentally abled? /genq

It could've been a trollpost, but I saw someone posting about something that supposedly came from you about how it's the same as removing healthy gonads or to sterilize oneself intentionally to want a limb removed to disable oneself /g

Uh, yeah, at the very least I believe it doesn't make sense to support people's ability to choose one but not the other. [Also as a necessary disclaimer: I am physically disabled and I use both a cane and a wheelchair. It has had a major impact on my life. This is my opinion as a cripple who suffers on a daily basis from both my disabilities and systemic ableism.]

If you get healthy gonads or sex organs removed, you are essentially reproductively disabled. When it comes to phalloplasty, especially RFF, your arm can experience some nerve issues (which for most people is not serious, there are therapies you do to help recover) but you could, potentially, experience some kind of disability. None of this is a value statement about any kind of medical transition because disability is morally neutral. In fact for many people being reproductively disabled is an entirely positive thing! Even though for another person it could be deeply upsetting!

I've fought for a long time against TERF fearmongering about transmasculine transition, specifically HRT, and their warnings that "it will make your good pure body DISABLED!!!!!" which is both ableist and transphobic. It comes from the assumption that a disabled body is inherently lesser and tragic and a place of suffering, and that no trans person would ever take disability for the ability to experience euphoria and relieve their dysphoria. Many of us would rather be disabled and happy than abled and suffering. So why do we only get to apply this to medical transitioning for trans people?

Yes, obviously getting a limb removed or paralyzed or losing a sense is going to change how you live and you will have to deal with a lot of ableism. But it's not up to me to tell someone else that they shouldn't pursue happiness and relieve because oh no! They might be a DISABLED PERSON! The worst thing to be in the whole wide world!!!!!!!! Like disabled people already have to constantly hear "wow if I was you I'd kill myself." And while you shouldn't comment your feelings on someone else's condition unprovoked, I think it's way better to see people getting excited to live a happy and active disabled life instead of constant traumaporn. So yeah I think people should have the ability to pursue voluntary disability & I also think it would be cool to see people with BIID reclaim the label of transabled, since it was coined by a BIID activist to create a less medicalized and suffering-focused way of talking about BIID.

(Also, my stance as a mobility user has always been that the only criteria you need to fill to get a mobility aid is thinking it could help you. People already suffer unnecessarily because they are worried they aren't "disabled enough" to deserve an aid. So if someone w BIID feels better when walking with crutches I don't care! Especially if they actively fight against systemic ableism and inaccessibility! I am wayyyyy more concerned with all the buildings in my hometown with no goddamn elevator + crosswalks with no button or speaker than I am with someone using a wheelchair because it helps their dysphoria.)

[sargbarnes-official]

ᴡᴇʟᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴍʏ ᴘᴀɢᴇ

I'm Bucky! This is where you can find all of my musings, reflections and random thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis.

I may have been born on March 10, 1917, but don't let that fool you - I'm only young in spirit, having lived a life full of action and adventure. I can get grumpy though, so heads up if I don't get at least 4 hours of sleep.

I grew up in cozy Brooklyn, New York, with three other siblings who loved to keep me on my toes. You bet I'd do it all over again if I had the chance!

Hydra really screwed me up. I killed a lot of people and I still curse myself for it everyday.

I'm getting much better. Plus I have Steve and Sam now, and you guys if you're interested.

So welcome to a lonely old veterans page!

Here's me now:

This was me then:

This was Steve then (Don't tell him I posted this picture of him):

And here is some info about me:

I'm 107 years old

I love cats

I'm the most single isolated human being in this screwed up generation

I have no children at the moment.

If you text me I may ignore you for 2-3 days until my therapist forces me to respond and then I'll give you a short dry response.

MY FRIENDS (?):

@lemonranterfriend

@vanessa-vostokoff

@maybepeterparker

OFFICIAL KITTEN DICTIONARY:

@your-darling-gaze

OTHER THAN THAT FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS, CHAT, TAG ME, OR ANYTHING ELSE!!!

[vriskaserketdaily]

Announcement; CW for graphic descriptions of medical emergencies & discussions of death/mortality

so, yesterday i briefly mentioned that i had been hospitalized. i unknowingly consumed edibles, became anxious and hyperactive, had a full-blown panic attack, and believing myself to be in the mother of all caffeine overdoses (2 cups of black tea) or having a heart attack or both, called emergency services, and was hospitalized with severe tachycardia.

i genuinely thought i was dying, sitting outside in my pajamas with my back to the mailbox post waiting for the EMTs to arrive. i still thought i was dying two hours later, struggling to breathe in the hospital room with my parents beside me.

i thought about a lot of things in the time between calling the emergency number and being lifted into the ambulance. i didn't want this blog to be my only legacy when i have so much more to do and be and make. i have other hobbies---knitting, crochet, playing guitar & composing music, and especially writing. i haven't drawn or written about my ocs in years, even during the recent hiatus, and i would like to change that.

to that end, i will not be drawing vriskas on a daily basis or consistently updating the fan art queue for the forseeable future. i will still draw vriska, especially if there are requests in the inbox, but i won't be going out of my way to squeeze out fan art when i'm ill, busy in other areas of my life, or generally not feeling it.

i will be keeping this blog up. i will not be changing the url because i fought too hard for a hypen-free daily vriska url and i'm not giving it up that easily. perhaps, after a year or two, i may even resume daily vriskas and normal blog operations.

COMMON QUESTIONS:

are you like, okay? i think i'm fine, physically? i was discharged after about four hours in the hospital and was able to move and eat and stuff today. i still feel some soreness/tightness in the chest, but i think that's to be expected given the circumstances.

can we still send requests? YES please omg. the interactions i have had through requests have been so positive and rewarding that it'd be difficult for me to fully give this blog up. even something as simple as "draw vriska" will function as a request. one thing that's been going through my head a lot lately is the thought that i could die and no one here would notice or care, so having tangible assurance that there is at least one person in the world who wants to see my vriska art would be very meaningful in that regard. i may not respond immediately, but i will respond to all requests that conform to the blog rules and mission (no nsfw, no pedophilic/incestuous ships, must involve vriska in some way)

will you consider opening mod applications? no, both because i don't think there would be too many takers for the position and because i know from experience that the fastest way to kill a daily blog is to load it up with a bunch of mods. (i am not the original owner of this blog and have moderated a few other multi-mod blogs before---i am currently the sole mod of the two i stuck with, this being one of them). i'd rather keep this blog half-active with just me than have it be completely inactive with me and 3-6 other people. again, there's a chance that after a year or so of taking things slow, i may come back to it.

can we tag you in art/fics/vriska posts? yes, actually, that would be very helpful. i don't expect anyone to do this, but again, i will no longer be actively perusing the character tag. feel free to @ me in vriska-related posts you think could use a little love.

if i have a daily vriska blog, will you promote me? sure! genuinely, i wish you luck---i've seen a couple of y'all come and go, and it really takes a lot to keep a blog like this running for more than three months. if you can do that you will be certified spiders for real.

where else can we find you? my main blog is @beangods, where i reblog posts that are not about vriska. you can send art requests there, too, but they cannot be related to vriska. that's what this blog is for. i also moderate @theextendedzodiacas, which is mostly fantroll-oriented. i'm on discord, too, but you won't find me on any other social media site.

is the vriskord still up? yes, it is, and you can join it, though the server is not very active. i don't plan on taking the server down or anything like that.

eighth question eighth answer 8ottom text

please feel free to reach out to me, and i'll be happy to answer any questions that i can. thank you for your understanding, and i'll see you . . . in probably a few days when i draw the 1 request currently sitting in the inbox.

thanks for reading all this.

-mod 8

[mxaether]

MITCH MARNER -VS- TORONTO MEDIA/TORONTO FANS/HIMSELF/EVERYONE (a playlist for when you love a thing so much, and it bites you)

track list and selected lyrics for each under the cut ❤️

1. I Want You So Bad I Can't Breathe - OK GO i want you, yeah, i want you/ i want you, yeah, i want you bad/ so bad i can't think straight/ so bad all my bones shake / so bad i can't breathe 2. Careful What You Wish For (the doctor said to) - Jack Harris something is missing/this predisposition/i feel like i'm living inside of my head 3. Who Made You A Monster? - Hael tricking the world to trust you/but everything that you say/is some kind of sordid lie/who taught you how to lie so well? 4. GOSSIP - Maneskin, Tom Morello welcome to the city of lies/where everything's got a price/gonna be your favourite place -- so sip the gossip, drink till you choke/sip the gossip, burn down your throat 5. Don't Be Nice - Watsky false modesty is a guilty habit/some people simply have it/but the fact is i would not have spent a decade doing this/if i did not believe i was at least a tiny bit ridiculously filthy at it 6. JEKYLL & HIDE - Bishop Briggs sweet and then you're sour/changes by the hour/never know which one i'll taste 7. End of It - Friday Pilots Club it's cruel you know/the way they've been treating you lately/get you real messed up on the daily 8. Nowhere Kid - Des Rocs inside of a maze you hide away/where nobody cares who you are/caught in a lie you can't escape 9. All For Us - Labrinth, Zendaya guess you figured my two times two/always equates to one/dreamers are selfish -- i'm taking it all for us, all/doing it all for love 10. Cruel Devotion - Night Club do you want me? tell me true/on my knees and now i'm begging you/loving you is such a cruel devotion 11. Who Are You, Really? - Mikky Ekko i have nothing left to prove/cause i have nothing left to lose/see me bare my teeth for you/who, who are you? 12. Heartbreak Feels So Good - Fall Out Boy is there a word for a bad miracle?/nobody said the road was endless/nobody said the climb was friendless 13. Some People - Dan Mangan cause it's too easy to be righteous when you eat what you've been fed/some people don't question what they've read/some people should 14. SELF-SABOTAGE - Waterparks i'll self sabotage/if you like when we talk i'll dislocate my jaw/what the fuck is wrong with me 15. Matches - Huxlxy bring me the ashes/set me alight/i'd rather burn than say goodbye 16. SICK - Chandler Leighton never let anyone see your guard down/too proud, just stop, keep my frozen/iced out, i'm six feet underground 17. Black Wave - K. Flay shaking in my own cage/what do i believe? i believe/waiting on a black wave/living under bad days 18. Middle Finger - Bohnes you show me love and then spit in my face/making your money off all of my pain 19. still feel. - half-alive when i'm furthest from myself/feeling closer to the stars/i've been invaded by the dark/trying to recognize myself when i feel i've been replaced 20. Rather Die - Barns Courtney i came to kill 'em, now i'm/wipin' the spit from my eyes/i take a beating but i/i'll never give up 21. Lake Effect Kid - Fall Out Boy oh i've got the skyline in my veins, forget your night time/sumer love on a gurney with a squeaky wheel/and joke us, joke us til Lakeshore Drive comes back into focus/i just wanna come back to life 22. Stronger - Kanye West n-now-now that, that don't kill me/can only make my stronger -- do anybody make real shit anymore?/bow in the presence of greatness/cause right now thou hast forsaken us 23. Bulletproof - La Roux, GAMPER & DADONI i won't let you turn around/and tell me now i'm much too proud/all you do is fill me up with doubt/this time, baby, i'll be bulletproof 24. What Do You Want - Nico Vega you can go ahead and hate me/for bringing in news, but you could still choose/ain't going to be a party/but you turn it all down, down, down/say, what do you want?/what do you want from me? 25. I'm Gonna Win - Rob Cantor you've seen me before, you'll see me again 26. Hero - Martin Harrix, JVKE

a thousand voices whisper noise/they plan my fall from grace/whoa-oh, i know/you say you want a hero, you don’t

[kuroshika]

"we are her fathers now."

"you delight in wickedness then berate yourself for the delight."

"i don't intend hannibal to be caught a second time."

"i've never known myself as well as i know myself when i'm with him."

"i have let you know me, see me. i gave you a rare gift, but you didn’t want it."

"we couldn't leave without you."

"i wanted to understand you before i laid eyes on you again. i needed it to be clear; what i was seeing."

"we’re conjoined. i’m curious whether either of us can survive separation.”

"you turned yourself in so that i would always know where you were."

"could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? yes."

"part of me will always want to."

"i told him to leave because I wanted him to run ... because he was my friend. and because i wanted to run away with him."

"betrayal and forgiveness are best seen as something akin to falling in love."

"you cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love."

"hannibal. i forgive you."

"i do feel closer to hannibal here. god only knows where i'd be without him."

"did you believe you could change me the way i've changed you?"

"i don't want to kill you anymore, dr. lecter, now that i finally find you interesting."

"i have to deal with you. and my feelings for you."

"we have a mutually unspoken pact to ignore the worst of one another to continue enjoying the best."

"mine? before you and after you. yours? it's beginning to blur."

"you wanted me to embrace my nature, doctor. just following the urges i kept down for so long, cultivating them for the inspirations they are."

"if i saw you every day, will, i would remember this time."

"hannibal said those words. to me."

"i'm not fortune's fool. i'm yours."

"have you had any contact with him?"

"one would argue intimately."

"what makes you think i want to catch him? you don't know whose side i'm on."

"but i can, if i can find them. and that's where i'll find him."

"you've never condemned me. not even under oath. you've always been my friend."

"not your life, no."

"he left me to die... but i didn't. he was supposed to take me with him. we were all supposed to leave together. he made a place for us. why did I lie to him? the wrong thing being the right thing to do was too ugly a thought. he gave me a chance to take it all back, and i just kept lying. he wants me to find him. after everything he's done, would i still go to him? yes."

"this is all i've ever wanted for you. for us."

"you were supposed to leave."

"and achilles wished all the greeks would die, so he and patroclus may conquer troy alone."

"i wanted to surprise you. and you... you wanted to surprise me."

[leahnardo-da-veggie]

Convenience Store Vampire, part 9

Part 1, Part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8

He pulled at his cheeks. “No,” he repeated, keening. Then he looked slightly further down. “Hey- I'm naked!”

“Yeah, ya are,” Hash agreed cheerfully, accent back in full force. “Ya ain't gonna fit in her old ones, and those are rags anyways now.”

I considered it. “Maybe we could use a towel? You're small enough that it would work,” I offered.

The ghost looked down at himself sadly. “Alright,” he agreed. “I suppose it can't really get any worse. Is my corpse still outside?”

While I rummaged through our stocks, Hash said, “Nah, the coppers took it out after I chased them outta the shop. They prolly brought it in and called it an ‘ccident.”

The ghost considered that. “You know… I don't actually remember what killed me. Is that weird? I remember everything else just fine… But anything related to my death or what I worked on before it's been lost.”

Hash shrugged. “I dunno, little ghostie. Meybbe some thin's are just meant ta be mysteries,” she said sagely.

I hauled out a bath towel from the back closet. I had no idea why it was there, but such was the nature of storage rooms. (Sometimes I wondered if mine was enchanted. It always had what I needed, after all.) Pulling out a safety pin, I handed it to the ghost. “You can try using this to make a toga or something,” I said.

He nodded and wrapped it around his shoulders, standing up as he did so. The towel did not quite drag along the ground, but it was close. “I must look ridiculous,” he said, once he pinned the toga in place.

Honestly, he looked like a little boy pretending to be a philosopher. Hash and I snickered a little bit. Actually, we snickered quite a lot.“I suppose we should introduce ourselves,” I said, once I got ahold of myself. “I am David Troynic, but you may call me Dave.”

“And I'm Hash,” Hash said, in between giggles. “Hash the shapeshifter!”

The ghost gave her an odd look. “I see,” he said. “I am Lieutenant Michael Woods, of the Luxatian Exorcist Corps. Though, if we are to use nicknames, you may call me Mizu. I think I need to go back to my station and report my status.”

I wanted to laugh at that. Go back? They would shoot him in an instant! “Boy, they would not think twice of shooting you. You're a monster now, just like us,” I told him bluntly.

A frown crossed Mizu's face at that. “Is that really what you think of us exorcists? That we hate inhumans?”

Hash laughed and shook her head. “Kiddo, are ya listenin' ta yerself? We jus' had ta fend off yer coworkers. If I hadn't done some quick thinkin', Davie here'd be dead,” she said, a bit of heat coming into her voice. “I've lived in this city fer four centuries, and in every single one I've had ta protect myself from yer people.”

Had Mizu truly not known? The parting of his lips, the hurt that sparkled in his eyes, it all told me so. But it just seemed so… Impossible. The exorcists' hostility was a part of daily life, like dodging the sun and haggling with butchers for some pig’s blood.

He shook his head. “This is batshit crazy,” he mumbled. “It's gotta be a dream. I'm gonna wake up with a bruised head and in my proper body.”

We laughed at that. “But I mean what I said,” Mizu added somberly. “I'm going to go to my office and tell everyone I'm still alive. After that? I guess I'll see.”

Hash and I exchanged a glance. “For the record,” I said, suddenly feeling a dash of regret that we hadn't gone with the spirit's plan, “this is a terrible idea.”

Mizu shrugged. “So? If I die, I die. I'm supposed to be dead anyways. And I'd rather die than not be an exorcist,” he said firmly.

“Fine,” Hash agreed. “If ya insist. But I gotta ‘ccompany ya, even if Davie here can't go anywhere. I feel responsible for ya, what with us two having rescued ya.”

Smiling, Mizu shook his head. “If what you say is true, you probably don't want to be around me when I show up. Thank you anyways, Hash, Dave. Good bye, sirs,” he said, and stepped out into the bright world, bathrobe and pink hair and all. “It is time to face my fate.” 

The solemnity of his tone made me choke down a laugh. We followed his brave march down the street. If not for the sheer ridiculousness of it all, he could have been a prince out of an old story, returning from death to reclaim his throne. 

No, he could be a hero all the same, as terrible a hero as I was a vampire. There was a satisfying rightness of it, of the idea that we both messed up our parts in the grand play of life. I opened my mouth to tell Hash so, when Mizu's words caught up with my mind. “Wait- Face his fate? Does he think he's gonna be killed?” Oh, there was no way the little bugger would die on us after everything we did to save him.

Hash bit her lip, thinking, then said, “I'm following the little bugger. Someone needs to make sure he doesn't get killed, and ya can't leave the shop while it's light.”

I agreed heartily. It would all be alright, if she trailed him. A old troublemaker like Hash had an equal propensity to get herself, and others, out of said trouble. “See you around, Hash. And get a photo of him in the bathrobe at the exorcists' station. That's an image I want to see.”

Laughing, she walked out the door. It swung shut with a little ding. “I guess my life isn't so boring after all,” I muttered to myself, looking at the trail of vaguely grey water Mizu left behind.

With a sigh, I picked up my trusty mop and went back to my job.

Taglist:

@coffeeangelinabox, @dorky-pals, @calliecwrites, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @shukei-jiwa

@thewingedbaron, @pluppsauthor, @cowboybrunch, @wylloblr, @possiblyeldritch @ramwritblr, @urnumber1star, @fortunatetragedy, @bigwipscholar, @ratedn

@vampirelover890, @possiblylisle, @illarian-rambling, @the-ellia-west

@finicky-felix, @evilgabe29, @glitched-dawn, @rivenantiqnerd, @dragonhoardesfandoms

@drchenquill, @everythingismadeofchaos, @owldwagitoutofyou, @dimitrakies, @beloveddawn-blog

@riveriafalll, @the-golden-comet,

CSV: @wifeblade, @trippingpossum (Anyone else who wants to get added can tell me in the comments, pm me, or send me an ask about it!)

[the-fiction-witch]

Hypothetically

Media The Artful Dodger

Character Jack Dawkins

Couple Jack X Reader (Bisexual)

Rating Smutty Discussions.

I sat pondering for a while on the stairs of the theatre's standing. Where often people lingered to watch surgeries. On the step above me sat Jack halfway down his bottle. But it had been one of those days.

“Jack?”

“Umm?”

“You think he'll live?”

“Hard to say. He'll survive I hope, not sure how much living he'll do”

“How so?”

“I just cut the guy's cock off. He'll be alive, will he be happy … different matter”

“I guess. How'd you feel?”

“When?”

“Someone cut your cock off?”

“Ohh I'd kill myself”

“Really?” I giggled

“I'm very attached to it I don't wanna live my life without it” he explained “That whole surgery had me ... crossing my damn legs”

“I imagine so, well don't do what he did”

“I'm not dumb. I'm not going to stick mine whenever the hell he did it. And then not clean it for a year. I'm attached to mine I take good care of it”

“Good to hear most don't”

“How so?’

“Most men don't take care of them”

“I'm well aware.”

“When was the last time you used it?”

“I use it daily?”

“You know what I mean”

“... You mean have sex?”

“Yes”

“Last time? Sunday I think.”

“You think?”

“I've had sex many times I don't always remember” he chuckled

“Many times?’

“Yes, many times. I was a sailor y/n”

“Ohh so you'd climb off your boat coins in hand to find yourself a pretty thing for the night?”

“You try being in a ship nine months without… wanting a little attention when you get to port”

“Understandable, I imagine there are girls from Tasmania to Tottenham who can tell tales of their night in the arms of Jack Dawkins” I giggled

“A few of them” he shrugs “What about you?’

“What about me?”

“When was the last time you… felt the touch of a man?”

“Ohh a couple of years back now”

“That long?”

“When one is a widow you don’t get much attention”

“I guess not. It must be hard for you. Not having attention I mean”

“I have attention”

“Do you?”

“Yeah I got some just last week”

He looked confused “What?’

“I had attention last week Thursday if I recall correctly”

He looked so very puzzled like trying to solve a zen riddle in his head

“Your husband had been dead for three years. You haven't had the touch of a man in several years. And you got attention last Thursday?’

“Correct”

“... How'd -” he froze up giving me a suspicious look “Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Did you… see a girl?”

“Yes”

He was utterly gobsmacked “You went to see a girl!’

“Yes Jack”

“And did what?!”

“I imagine the same thing you do when you go see a girl”

“But How'd you, do the -”

“We have hands. We have mouths. We have… wooden toys”

“Toy- oh my - really!’

“Yeah, this is really surprising for you?’

“Yes! So you… like, girls?”

“I do”

“But you were married?”

“Yes”

“So you like boys?’

“I like both”

“Both?”

“Yes Jack, both”

“Hu …” he said “That's certainly news to me”

“I get lonely same as you Jack”

“Yeah I imagine you do I didn't expect you to… see a girl about it”

“Who else would I see about it?”

“That's a very good point I don't know. Where do you go then? Out of curiosity?’

“Why?’

“I'm curious”

“cat and bagpipes”

“Really?”

“Yeah”

“Who do you… see there?”

“Why?”

“I wanna know I'm curious”

“Who did you see last time you were lonely?” I asked

He glared a moment before he checked the door “Hetti, was a few nights ago here.”

“Really?’ I giggled “ohh was she cold and lovely so she needed to come to share your bed?”

“Something like that, so who did you see?’ he asks sipping his drink

“Lisa”

Immediately he choked “Lisa! Lisa at the cat and bagpipes?”

“Yes Jack”

“... I… I've seen Lisa before”

“Have you now?”

“Yeah, I see her… every so often”

“Yeah she told me”

“She- she told you?”

“Yeah, we often chat after and she mentioned you come to see her sometimes”

“Is that uhh all she told you?’ he asked nervously

“That's all she told me” I smiled and he relaxed a little “Cutie”

“AHH!” He yelped “How do you know about that!”

“She told me”

“She did?”

“Yeah,”

“She uhh she's never said anything about you”

“Yeah I told her not to tell you I figured you'd… freak out”

“I'm not freaking out, perfectly normal to know that we… see the same girl”

“It's a small port jack everyone sees the same girls?”

“Good point”

“Is it weird for you?”

“... I guess not you are right everyone gets lonely”

“All right then”

“So you girls… do what exactly together?’

“Same thing you do together?”

“I highly doubt that. Because I have a very crucial element that you two don't”

“You mean your cock?”

“I do mean my cock”

“That's what the wooden toy is for”

“So you two…. Holy- okay! Good to know” he gulped

“It's very fun”

“I imagine it is”

“What about you? All those dark stormy nights at sea you ever … visited the boys next door?”

“No, I considered it I admit some very dark nights but no never did”

“You should, it's fun”

“Sounds it” he laughed

For a moment we sat quietly until he spoke again

“So… hypothetically, if one night I was going out to see Lisa? You potentially could also walk to me?”

“I could yes if I too wanted to see Lisa”

“So one night if we were both feeling lonely we could walk down to the cat and bagpipes together? So we wouldn't be walking alone and all?”

“We could Jack you're right” I laughed “But I am not having an argument with you”

“An argument?”

“Over who gets to go first.”

“Well, Hypothetically if we were there a the same time having walked together there’s no point one of us sitting outside and waiting.”

“Oh?”

“Makes more sense if we both just… go in with her.” he smirked “And then she’ll charge us for one not two”

“Now that is a very practical idea. That you clearly just thought of there Jack.”

“I thought so.”

“And What will you do? Sat in the room while Lisa and I?”

“Ohh I’m sure I’d find something to… occupy my time.”

“I’m sure you would” I giggled “Probably watching us.”

“Watching you? Now that is an idea.” he smirked sipping his drink

“Ohh I bet you’d get some perverted joy out of watching Lisa and I?”

“Would I?”

“I think you would. I imagine it to be very fun” I giggled

“What?”

“Lisa and I? With you sat watching us. Lisa and I discussed it in fact last week.”

“Y-you what!”

“You really think we don’t talk about you? We both thought it would be… thrilling indeed,”

“Thrilling?”

“Two young ladies, touching one another intimately. With a man to sit and watch them, when he fucks one of them regularly and has wanted to fuck the other since he met her.”

“How- How’d you know I wanted to-” He began but I gave him a kiss

“You told Lisa. So she told me.”

“I take it she’s told you most of my secrets then.”

“Any she thought I’d find interesting Jack.” I giggled sitting back against the steps

“So, hypothetically? As Lisa and I. And you and Lisa. and I was already there, possibly watching, do you think there could be any possibility of involvement?”

“Is that your very gentlemanly way of asking for a threeway?”

“Yes.”

“Okay”

“Okay!”

“Yeah, we’ve talked about that too” I giggled “I’d allow it hypothetically. But I don’t think it would be good for you.”

“Why not?”

I smirked, “We’d tear you to shreds.”

“Maybe I want you girls to tear me apart” He smirked back

“You’d get jealous.”

“Jealous? Of what?”

“How loud she screams for me. How loud she makes me scream”

“Maybe I would get jealous, all the more reason to get involved.”

“You might end up angry”

“Why?”

“Maybe our little toy might be bigger than you”

“Humm with everything Lisa’s told you I’m surprised she left my… mastery with my sword off.” he smirked I glared a little at his word choice and he just winked

“What time does Lisa stop working?”

“One why.”

“What time is it Jack?”

He got his pocket watch and checked the time “Uhh half eleven.”

“Shall we?”

“Are you serious?”

“Hypothetically? Should we go?”

He grabbed my face and kissed me with enough passion to floor an elephant “No more hypotheticals. Do you wanna do this?”

“I’m game if you are.”

“Fuck yeah” he smirked getting up grabbing my hand and dragging me off with him. 

[radiosummons]

Even though Wolfwood is very much not an actual Catholic priest, I do find it compelling that Vash--someone without any religious beliefs and minimal exposure to "Christianity," courtesy of Rem (OG Trigun)--is the most faithful of the two.

And by "faithful," I don't mean so much in a religious or Christian sort of sense. More that Vash holds onto his faith that there is good in people and that everyone is worth saving. That the taking of a life is something so unspeakable to him that it will literally cause him immense mental, emotional and physical pain when he is forced to do so. His unshakeable belief, i.e. his faith that every life is precious and no one is beyond redepmtion irregardless of how morally corrupt an individual may be is so foundational to who he is as a character.

While I've only really experienced this through anime and various other Japanese based video games, I do enjoy seeing depictions of Christian iconography and concepts form non-Western creators. I love the art and memes of Vash being a "biblically accurate angel" (even though Plants aren't angels, I am so fucking happy that people are picking up on the unintentional symbolism) and I do enjoy the amount of, again, art and memes of Wolfwood being a cringefail Catholic priest.

But I also love the non-Western depiction of Christianity in Trigun, or rather the apocalyptic remnants of it. Despite the fact I have lost my ability to have faith in a higher being (and my own personal beef/distate with the Catholic Church/conservative Christianity as a whole), I find the worldbuilding of Trigun fascinating in this aspect as it provides its audience an alternative form of a global religion that's very relevant to our daily lives.

In Trigun, Christianity is very much a shadow of its former self, a leftover remnant of humanity--more specifically, a remnant of an old forgotten belief system--that has been essentialy been lost. Save for a few remaining Bibles and some memories of particular Catholic iconography/symbolism.

But overall, that's all that remains. Just familiar symbols and various rituals that some people are able to recall from their former lives.

So the decision to pair Vash up with someone like Wolfwood, someone who has lost his faith in humanity as a whole but has resolved himself to protect those that he can (or rather, deems worthy of saving) ... I find that relationship absolutely fascinating. Because I'd argue that in most Western depictions of a holy man (typically Christian and typically Catholic, let's be real), it's usually the holy man that is doing the saving. Or at the very least, is usually helping guide the other characters on their own paths towards redemption.

Despite the fact Wolfwood isn't an actual priest but instead an assassin trained by a mercenary group using the guise of an old religion (again, that most of humanity has clearly forgotten about), I find it to be a wonderful storywriting choice to make Vash the "holy man."

They're both incredibly tragic characters that burden themselves with crippling destinies. Destinies that ultimately lead to their own destruction, but hopefully all for the greater good. Vash holds faith that maybe, just maybe, he can make Nai realize the error of his ways and turn over a new leaf.

Understandably, Wolfwood finds this way of thinking horribly childish and naive. He even takes it as a personal insult when Vash continues to insist that killing people, even if it's for the sake of protecting someone else, is wrong.

But Vash isn't wrong for wanting to see the good in people. To borrow a quote from Everything Everywhere All At Once: "You tell me it's a cruel world, and we're all running around in circles. I know that. I've been on this earth just as many days as you. When I choose to see the good side of things, I'm not being naive. It is strategic and necessary. It's how I've learned to survive through everything. I know you see yourself as a fighter. Well, I see myself as one too. This is how I fight."

Granted, Vash doesn't express his beliefs as eloquently as this. But that doesn't really matter, though. Because Wolfwood doesn't need Vash to make express himself this way for Wolfwood to finally understand him. Vash, by the simple of virtue of being himself, is a good person who chooses to see the good in others.

And Wolfwood ... Wolfwood is someone who chooses to see the bad.

Wolfwood cannot quite bring himself to view the world the way Vash does. And Vash will never be able to share Wolfwood's opinions regarding who is worthy of living, either. But they respect each other and understand where the other person is coming from.

It does take Wolfwood a lot longer to understand Vash as a person, let alone his faith in humanity. But when he does, it's so satisfying to watch Vash become someone important to him. Someone that he wants to protects. Because if Vash won't defend himself, Wolfwood resolves to be the one to protect Vash.

Even if Vash doesn't really want that.

It's so fucking amazing to see these two clash over their ideals, whether it's in the form of playful teasing or straight up beating the shit out of each other. But they stay together and hold each other in such high regard despite their conflicting beliefs.

To me, one of the most beautiful aspescts of Trigun is that Wolfwood--a man of faith but only in name--gets to have such a close connection with Vash--a man of faith through and through--and that because of their relationship, they both inspire a existential AND spiritual crisis within one another.

Because in a world that makes no sense, they both find faith in each other. And if that isn't the most beautiful shit you've ever seen, then I don't know what is.

[hel-phoenyx]

Domhildr belongs to @soupedepates, Oli to @thal-ent, Meili to @azeler and Kaizarz to @corneille-but-not-the-author

___

I sigh as a bottle flies right above my head, crashing on the wall right behind me.

The woman sitting in front of me almost jumped out of her chair on the sound of broken glass, but I remain unscathed. I just want to finish my beer in peace, is that too much to ask ?

"What in the name of the Glorious Lady of Blood was that ?!"

"The usual," I simply answer before finishing my drink. "Sit down, if they haven't hit me it's proof they either don't know how to aim, or know too well."

I'm used to bar fights at this point, it has become my daily life ever since I accepted to go out with them once in a while. I suppose someone insulted Oli again and- there we go, another bottle right for my face. This time, I block it with a chair, under the admirative eyes of the woman.

"Damn, you're quick."

"Thanks, force of habit. It looks like they indeed don't know how to aim."

It's starting to tire me, but I can't let them alone any longer. Meili is still training, I'm the only responsible adult here, and that's saying something considering this is my tenth drink.

My current companion smiled in a way I know a bit too well.

"You know, if you want to be away from the flying bottles, I know a place..."

There we go again. Third girl this week. Really, I don't get my success with women, or men for that matter. And it's starting with the ones I absolutely have no right to seduce...

I blink, letting her image fade away from my eyes. In front of me, the very real girl trying to hit on me is still there, hand held in front of her. One moment, I contemplate the gnawing tempation to just take it and forget my problems for a moment, as fleeting and unstatisfactory as those embraces can be ; but from the other side of the bar erups a sudden scream.

"TYYYYYYYYR ! A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE !"

My eyes roll. That's my cue, and clearly the owner of this voice won't suffer to wait any longer.

"Sorry," I tell the girl, "but apparently I am needed on the frontline. That idiot is gonna get killed if I don't step in."

She frowns, but just shrugs.

"Okay, fine. Invitation still stands for another day."

But both of us know another day, I won't even consider it. I tilt my head in her direction before staning up, empty mug in hand, and goes right to the orher side of the bar where a very annoying soldier only has time to lift the bar stool he's holding before a swift hit sends him on the floor out cold.

In front of him, a 4 feet fairy with half her head shaven is looking at me, dagger in hand, with a wary expression that lighten up when she sees the poor sap fall on the ground.

I sigh the heaviest I can.

"Really, Domi, this is like the third time I have to get you out of a bar fight."

Domhildr sticks her tongue at me.

"Not my fault they were insulting Oli again ! Plus, one of those assholes almost injured them, look, their poor wing !"

I turn my head towards said Oli, that is currently flying on top of the other fighters, using their claws to drop various objects on the head of their enemies. Very much not hurt, if I say so myself, but the vision is objectively hilarious, and I have to admit I couldn't help but smile.

"Ah, yes, the very real wound of Oli's wing. Very hurtful indeed."

"Stop sassing me, this is a case of emergency- LOOK OUT !"

Ah, well, apparently, the fighters considered I'm now in the brawl, and decided to jump on me five versus one. Not very cool of them, I'd say, but it's their loss.

A flash, and five new poor idiots are now lying down on the ground, whining in pain. Brought down by a terrible electric shock coming directly from my skin. Shouldn't have tried to hit me directly, little bastards.

The other brawlers just look at me before running away in screams while I turn slowly towards them. Heh. Sometimes having dominion over thunderstorms and lightning does have its perks.

Domhildr's smile widens again.

"Knew I could count on you, my guy. Sorry for ruining your hookup."

"Wouldn't have gone that far anyway. You're not hurt ?"

"Nah, I'm fine. Now to hide the mess before we get spotted by the guards-"

"The fuck happened here ?!"

Too late. Domi, Oli and I all turn towards the door to see the gigantic silhouette of our beloved king blocking the door. All the other tenants immediatly jump on the ground, bowing down with fervor, and as always, I can't stop my heart to skip a beat when he enters, looking down on all of us from his 8 feet of height.

Oli has a little laugh next to us.

"If you want my opinion, that is definitely worse than a guard."

They're saying that with a smile, and I guess Meili's presence behind him is a proof he just wanted to find us, but still, not exactly for my good look to stand in the middle of six of his subjects out cold on the ground, especially since he knows I'm not keen on fighting like this.

Domhildr is the only one that stays unfazed.

"Hey, Kaizarz! Didn't think I'd see you tonight~"

"Didn't think I'd see you in the middle of a fight AGAIN," laughs our king once the surprise disappeared from his face. "And this time you brought Tyr into your mess..."

Aforementionned Tyr rolls his eyes again. Too bad it doesn't stop my heart from going quicker when he walks towards us and puts a hand on my shoulder. Ocean-damned stupid unrequited crush.

"What I wouldn't give for ONE evening of tranquility."

"Well, you still came with us, mister brooding bitch!"

"And lucky for you, Domi, or you would have been in far worse shape."

She sticks her tongue towards me again, while Kaizarz sighs.

"Can you please just get along, guys?"

The nexts words are spoken in unison.

"I don't see what you're talking about."

Domhildr bursts out laughing, same as Oli, and I allow myself to smile. Yes, what I woudn't give to one evening of tranquility, but if I'm completely honest, this kind of happiness I woudn't trade for anything.

[jerzwriter]

I wanted to take the high road; I really did.

First, no one comes here for drama. I know I've contributed to that in the past, but I have learned from it and made a conscious choice to focus on the positive going forward.

Second, the other party has publicly stated that they are coping with serious mental health issues. I'm not a monster. I don't want this person to spiral. I don't want to add to their obvious pain. I thought I'd stay quiet; they'd get bored and move on. Well, that didn't happen, and I'm doubtful it ever will.

Third, I don't share private conversations. Anything you share with me is in confidence, and I expect the same courtesy in return. Even if we're no longer friends. Even if we are enemies. So, even after this person and some of their friends broke that trust with me, I still chose to do the right thing and keep our conversation private. But it's come to the point that I feel they're taking advantage of me being a better person than them, and I'm done.

Jeremeykau's blog was taken down last week. It was taken down because he consistently posted, telling me to kill myself. Wishing that I would die and saying other things that were beyond vile. In fact, they went so far as to link those sentiments to Discord after Tumblr took down numerous posts for violating standards. When they didn't stop, Tumblr took the blog down in its entirety. I'm happy to provide screenshots if needed.

For those who blame me or think the blog was taken down due to fandom drama... I don't work at Tumblr. I don't have friends working for Tumblr. I do not control Tumblr policy. Tumblr does not take down blogs because of drama between users, but they do take them down when someone is posting daily, telling another person to enjoy their s*icide.

For those lucky enough to be unfamiliar with this drama. J and I spoke 3 months ago. I made ONE post. ONE. After months of J's "vague" posts, then some not-so-vague ones. It was after one of the latter that I finally responded publicly. My purpose? To say I see you, and I want the shit to stop. I didn't call for anyone to be harassed - in fact - I made it clear I didn't want that. But it wasn't a deterrent and J continued to post shit about me directly or indirectly. I didn't reply. ONE POST. Versus dozens now hundreds of J's.

After some time, a mutual friend told me J wanted to talk, and I was uneasy. I have dealt with people like this in my life, and I know it is a dangerous proposition. I had friends warn me not to. But I chose to give J the benefit of the doubt in hopes that we could work things out. Why? I want to live in peace here, and I wanted J to be able to live in peace here, too. But J doesn't want peace.

I've linked our full conversation below. Feel free to see it for yourself. It's our entire conversation. I redacted when J talked about mental health issues because even if they wish to share those details publicly, it's not for me to do. I'm not about to do that. I also redacted the names of others because they don't deserve to be made public.

See it for yourself. It was a surprisingly pleasant conversation, and J seemed to be as grateful as I was. We worked on apologies together. Together. The only thing I refused to do was gaslight people by saying J never said KY when they had publicly many times. I don't gaslight. Outside of that, J said my apology was "GREAT." We ended by saying we were happy we talked, and if we ever had issues with each other again, we would come to each other and discuss them privately.

I even reached out after to see if J was doing well. Since we had unblocked each other, I could see all posts, and I tell J's mental health was not good. I was honestly worried when they threatened self harm, and I reached out to offer an ear if needed. Foolishly, I actually cared.

There was no response. The next thing I knew, J and a couple friends were back to their campaign against me. They never once came to me to discuss. One of those other friends and I also apologized to each other and said we were happy it was worked out. What changed? I have no idea. I never contacted any of them outside of what you can see here; I never discussed them publicly. As far as I knew, this was dead and buried. But none of them gave me the courtesy of reaching out privately... as J promised to do. Because none of them want this worked out, and they seem to want to subject the entire fandom to it.

Please note in the conversation that J says it was really all J's fault for starting this. That it was done over some petty shit. Where J admits to not being a nice person holding grudges, yet was glad it worked out. I was glad, too, but I was sincere.

And since you're bringing other people into the mix now? I'll just say as eager as she was to reach out to you, I will give her the courtesy of not sharing our story here. I won't share our conversations or the MANY conversations from others in various choices fandoms who had plenty to say about their sins. I'm letting sleeping dogs lie, but if I get bit, I'll bite back.

Look - no one has to like me. You can have the shittiest opinion of me. You can hate my fucking guts, and I honestly don't care. Block me and move the fuck on with your life. But you WILL Not publicly harass me, you WILL not tell me to kill myself and wish death upon me publicly, you will not stalk my blog and present your twisted version of the truth non-stop and think I'm going to take it. I hate that I've probably fed J's narc supply for months with this. I literally hate it. But to be honest, this isn't for J - it's for transparency in the fandom. You can all see how "horribly" I behaved here and you can see who violated the pact we made to be kind and decent to each other. It was not me.

If I have hurt anyone other than the three people involved in this - please reach out to me. I am happy to talk to you, happy to listen, and will apologize if I hurt you. I assure you, it was never my intent and I am as flawed as anyone else. Could I make mistakes? Of course. But if you think I'm going to apologize to vile bullies, my grace towards them has long expired.

I AM ADAMANTLY TELLING EVERYONE NOT TO SEND HATE THEIR WAY. But to be clear, I don't control anyone but myself. Some in the fandom think I have the magic ability to control people. It's about time to take responsibility for YOUR actions. You don't get hate because of me; you get hate because of your behavior. If anons get that bad, turn them off. The same way I have had to BECAUSE OF YOU. It's a 2-way street - and I HAVE NOT had an ongoing campaign against you for damn near a year. ONE POST. And I have not had my blog taken down because I've never done to you what you've done to me. This has gone on long enough.

FULL CONVERSATION

Have at it.

[thefemcelthatdeservesbetter]

"No reason"

Lately (past months/weeks) there is a dude (one of those that started frequenting bitches from my class more often) who has been colder towards me. He kept telling me to shut up and that he didn't care what I had to say. That would happen daily but I wouldn't mind, I kind of got used to it. However, every time I would buy snacks/food he'd ask me to share it with him and say "yeah, yeah you can tell me this or that" so I was happy that he'd listen to me since he's the only friend I have at school (sort of).

Recently, I texted him. He told me to shut up. The conversation went like that: "shut up I literally hate you" "why" "I just dislike you very much" "but why what did I do" "for no reason I just hate you, never text me again" "fine sorry" "leave me on read you whore" "sorry"

I didn't quite like the way he treated me but it felt like it was my fault. I feel very guilty, I think I hate myself even more than before. I keep thinking about it and I can't seem to like anything about me. I keep thinking about what really made him hate me and I can't seem to put my hand on it. I don't understand what's so detestable about me. There has to be something wrong about me, no? Everyone I become friend with ends up leaving me. And I'm so dumb because I never learn, I keep getting attached to people and ending up alone. It's so stupid because now I'm expecting everyone else I know to abandon me. Yet I still hope to meet someone that truly likes me for whatever reason.

Lately I just keep thinking about our conversation and cry. I wish I could change whatever is wrong with me. My best friend (whom I told about what happened) met that boy in the street and told him that what he did wasn't cool and that he should apologise. She then asked him why does he hate me so much and he calmly answered that he simply despises me. I wish she didn't talk to him. Because I somehow had a little hope that we'll talk again. But indeed he really just hates me deeply. I don't even need apologies I just want him to be my friend again. I don't understand what about me repulses everyone.

I don't wanna make friends anymore. I don't wanna talk to anyone anymore. I want to delete Instagram and just live my life on my own. I've been playing more otome games and talked to AI bots. I think it's a better life but no matter what I do, I keep thinking about having real human interactions. I try to accept that I'm very much an ugly loser that no one will ever want because my flaws are clearly unchangeable. It's very hard. I am very jealous of other people. There's absolutely nothing to envy about me. There's no one that really likes me.

I wish I could get male attention. Really it just keeps wandering in my head how that boy hangs out with a fat rude bitch, a short swiftie pick me and a chubby curvy slut. They're not even funny they're nothing they suck ass. I'm starting to hate males just as much as I hate females.

When last exam week ended, I didn't even feel relieved. I just hoped to have a peaceful summer or perhaps fun one. I'm not having fun at all. I stay in my room all day. My throat is dry by how little I talk. My parents got into a fight last night. Just like last summer, I think holidays won't be peaceful at all. Luckily my dad will soon go to France so it won't be as bad as I thought.

Maybe I should work very hard so I can become rich and get a boy to love me for my money, since clearly no one will ever love me. I hate my life. I wish I could buy a gun so I could shoot my school. I wish I could kill everyone so they'll cry beneath me and beg for me to spare them.

I want to murder everyone so they'll look at me for once. So at least I will matter for once as I'd be the one to decide their fate. I'll obviously never do that by how weak I am, in addition I'll probably never buy a gun. I think I just want to be happy.

I'd like to have the courage to kill myself one day just so everyone could feel guilty about it. I feel like death would be the only way for me to get noticed. Even in that case, they'd only feel concerned one day and quickly go back to living their stupid lives. They'd think "oh she would've wanted us to to move on" probably.

I don't understand how fast it is for people to change faces. They become so different within the bat of an eye it's crazy. As if my life was nice enough for me to handle any more misery. My best friend told me to "not expect that guy to come back" or to beg him to. She said that it would ruin my image and dignity and that it would make me look like a cuck and dog to other people's eyes so they will take advantage of me. As if I even care. What people anyways? No one even wants to manipulate me. I don't care about being used or manipulated I just want attention and to be loved. At least to feel like I am.

It's so easy for her to say that because everyone likes her. If she loses someone she doesn't care because it's just a fish among billions of others. While I can barely have one fish without it slipping away. I envy her a lot. I wish I was as pretty as her and as popular as her. I feel like a nasty mutt next to her.

Life is very unfair! I wonder what's wrong with me and what about me people dislike so much! I guess I'll never know. I am probably not bound to be liked. I fail at absolutely everything!!!! It's difficult to accept it.

How do I become redpilled? I think it's the only way I can make it but I'm failing at that too.

[isthisrealliiife]

Lawdamercy

tl;dr: life has happened in mostly good ways but consequently progress on an echo a stain has been necessarily delayed.

Next chapter will be up probably in mid-July.

First of all, Dave Chapelle is a transphobe piece of shit and I won't forgive him for it. But also a thousand years ago, when I was just a little baby teenage deviant in my first year of undergrad, I imprinted on a half-baked as my stoner movie so thoroughly that I feel certain that the above moment in that movie is a reflection of my very soul when I'm in distress. Also, Killer killed Nibbles. I will never pay another dime for anything he's done and it can be argued that by posting this gif I'm contributing to him remaining in the cultural consciousness of the West or the US or tumblr or whatever, but listen, y'all, sometimes there's tension between the things we connect with and there is no way to be ethical in the current late capitalist imminently apocalyptic hellscape, so I'm just gonna keep half-baked.

I'm Gen X and tired af. I will provide seasoning when Gen Z eats the rich and the boomers and whomstever else (lol not me I'm a public servant / educator / librarian who will never own property nor submit to these PWI motherfuckers for love or money), but just let me sit here in middle age with my smoke, my edibles, and my gotdamb movie lines. I love y'all. So in case you hadn't guessed (and why would you have? It's very unlikely you've read this far -- but if you have, maybe you HAVE guessed), I'm fucking exhausted.

Despite my well-laid plans, some things have happened in the past few weeks that demanded my attention. 1. My mom injured her knee and needed me to help her, so I did for about two weeks. 2. I finished my fucking project from hell.

I FINISHED MY FUCKING PROJECT FROM HELL.

I have to give a presentation on it Friday but then I'm going to be DONE with that fucking thing and the last class of this MLIS and I cannot describe in human language what it has taken for me to reach this point looooool lord bless Google Slides I guess

3. I completed two trainings, one to be a mandated reporter (which I already am but the laws have been updated) and one to learn how to prevent school violence and they were long and tedious and annoying to do because I'd already completed both and knew pretty much all the content already from being a public school educator for 10 years but the school where I got my MSEd lost my paperwork so here we are.

4. Secured a practicum / internship, the last missing puzzle piece to unlock my Master of Library and Information Science achievement, so my fatigue-d ass as been exhausting myself daily interning for a fuckin DOPE school librarian who is queer and my age and went to pride with her wife and two daughters and I've learned so much in the past two weeks I don't even know where to begin. So all that is to say, despite my previous promises, obviously, I have not posted any updates to an echo, a stain, nor will I be until at least mid-July because I'm going to sleep for a week once all this shit is wrapped up and my status as a Mistress of Library and Information Scientists is secured.

(Mistress Library and Information Scientist? I need it to be clear that I will not only be a Mistress of Scientists, but also a Scientist myself. If you want to know if my Mistress status will be as a kept woman or as a domme, the answer is yes and I'm currently accepting applications and formal proposals via asks and dms/pms/whatever tumblr calls them. All genders and identities welcome except stupid people with no imagination. GTFO. But if you've read this far, while it's plausible you're fucking unhinged, it seems highly unlikely that you're stupid OR unimaginative. WELCOME <3

So anyway please make any propositions or promposals fun and funny, and if you gonna be nasty, use your words and please make it hot. The world doesn't need more unsolicited nudes, genital pics, or milquetoast descriptions of sexytimes.)

ANYWAY Once my plate is clear and I can do other things with my time besides grind my bones to dust to prove to the PWI powers that be that I've humbled myself sufficiently to be worthy of their blessings, I'll be getting back into aeas with a thorough reread, revision of the next chapter (which yes, is already written, but is not fit for human consumption until it's been properly revised), and I guess its third act? I honestly don't know how many acts there are. I know I should. Maybe there are four. I know this is something I should know but I'm not a fiction writer by training or trade so I don't know how y'all frame these things. Anyway some wild shit is about to go down, don't think I've forgotten or gone soft. Errybody hold on to your panties because when I get back up in that shit we got some reckoning to deal with.

But first deadass animal antics because I WANNA AND IDGAF.

loooool OK seriously I'm crazy sleep deprived and I have a job interview Thursday and I need to create a slide deck for my internship mentor so I'mma go work on that byyyeeeeeee

[aanoia]

All I Need is You

Daveed Diggs x reader

Summary; after a suicide attempt you're empty yet Daveed never left your side. What happens when you drag him down with you?

Warnings; suicide, self harm, bandages, sadness ig

Words; idk but it's short

Also wrote this a while ago but I kinda like it.

Requests are welcome and encouraged!

If you're struggling with self harm or suicidal thoughts please reach out! You have people in your life that care enough to stay with you the way Daveed does in this fic, you just need to give them a chance.

I'd also like to note that the way this fic plays out is not how it aways goes. Please do not just not reach out abt your mental health due to a fear of dragging people down with you.

“Hey, baby, how are you feeling?” Daveed quietly asked, sitting down on the bed and gently rubbing my arm.

I laid motionless, my mind blank.

“I’m not,” I responded. My voice was hoarse. How long has it been since I’ve said more than three words at once?

Daveed sighed and carefully helped me sit up. I rested against the headboard as he slowly unwrapped the bandages around my wrists. It was quiet as he cleaned the wounds, the only sound was our breathing. Oh how I wish I wasn’t breathing right now. He wrapped clean bandages around the cuts.

He sat, rubbing his thumb across the bandages.

“I love you so much,” He whispered and looked into my eyes. “We’ll get through this. You’ll get through this. I know you will, you’re so strong, my love,”

“Daveed,” I whispered, a happy glint filled his eyes, optimism flooded his bones.

“Yeah?” He whispered back.

“I don’t want to get through this,” I told him and laid back down, turning away from him.

He paused before getting up and leaving the room. I heard him. His sobbing. He’s breaking. Honestly, I couldn’t find it in myself to care.

The cycle repeated daily. He’d feed me, bathe me, change my bandages, then go have a breakdown outside our room when he didn’t see any improvement. Every day I’d hear him cry. Deep down my heart ached in him. He was the love of my life, of course it hurt to hear him cry. But my heart doesn’t control my body. My brain does. And my brain is dead. It doesn’t care. It doesn’t want to live. Even if it means making Daveed happy. Ain’t that selfish?

Today must’ve been particularly hard for Daveed. I could see it in his eyes when he came to give me food. He was tired. Exhausted. And when he left to cry nothing came. Until it did.

Loud crashes broke the silence. Grunts, and yells of utter pain and despair could be heard. His sobs echoed through the house louder than ever. Self-deprecating words cut through the silence. Something snapped in me.

I was letting myself die, and dragging Daveed down with me. I was not only killing myself, but killing the love of my life as well. What am I doing? Am I really so selfish that I’d ruin someone else’s life so I can be okay? No. The answer is no.

I pushed my aching bones and tired muscles. Slowly I lifted myself out of bed. A dizzy spell fell over me and I grabbed onto the wall for support. Carefully I made my way to the door and opened it. Pain coursed through my veins as I followed the sobs, but I ignored it. No more.

Daveed has helped me in ways I can’t even imagine. He’s putting his own mental health on the line for me. Me. Anyone else would’ve left me after a week of nothing but laying in bed. But he didn’t. He stuck around. And now I’ll stick around for him as well.

I entered the living room to find a hunched over Daveed. I only now noticed how his hair was a mess, he hasn’t been taking care of it. His clothes were wrinkled and in a disarray. I quietly walked over to him and knelt down behind him. His body shook as I wrapped my bulky, bandaged arms around him.

We stayed there for hours, gently rocking back and forth. We had each other. That’s all we needed.