#i'm absolutely positive i have hearing loss now unfortunately

[cistematicchaos]

i don't understand why people get so pissed when you ask them to repeat themselves. my hearing is fucked, so i have to do it often and ppl's reactions are very hard to deal with. but like, i don't understand what you said!! what am i supposed to do??

[zhongyeet-me-to-the-moon]

Ask and you shall recieve! As I just finished the Inazuma Archon Quest, how about some angsty headcanons about a reader with a cryo vision who's Ayato's significant other, who unfortunately had their vision confiscated during the vision hunt decree? I'm really curious as to how the Yashiro Commissioner would deal with that situation if it impacts him directly.

oooo love this idea. This one got away from me a bit so it's long.

Pairing: Ayato x gn!reader

type: headcanons + small blurbs, angst, comfort

warnings: hyperventilation, panic attacks, depression, loss of motivation/will.

masterlist --> x.

Rules --> x.

Unlike Ayato, you're not someone in a position of power who could prevent/delay the inevitable.

When the decree was first announced I imagine everyone with a vision was more confused than in a panic. There's no way anyone could've known the effects losing a vision could have because no one loses their vision. It was never heard of before now

"What do they mean they're confiscating our visions?"

"How is that even allowed? We earned these."

After the first visions were taken, and the true effects of a loss of vision became clear, true panic started. People were moving, running, taking as many boats as they could before the borders became closed. Pure. Chaos.

Since it's a decree from the Raiden herself though, and by extension, the God herself, there's little he believes he can do.

Would let you stay in his protection for as long as he can,.

Unfortunately being in a position of power is just as bad as being a citizen when trying to help w this situation, would he like to help every one of his/your friends and family? Of course. But if too many people were suddenly moving in/getting hired by the Yashiro commission quickly after the decree, it'd be seen as suspicious. Ultimately he still had to pick and choose so he's not seen as bending the system/becoming corrupt.

They caught you walking to get groceries one day, and demanded a search and seizure of your person in order to retrieve the vision.

You came back crying and in panic, the groceries never bought. He couldn't understand what you were saying at first thought the hyperventilating and stuttering. Doesn't ask any questions until he fully has you calmed down, rubbing your shoulders, helping you through your breathing, then asks you what you have to say.

"They....they took it Ayato. My visions gone." It was barely above a whisper, he almost didn't hear it. The look of absolute despair covered your face.

The first week you were a mess, but you were still yourself. Ayato was on visit with anyone that would listen to him to try and find out where the visions were going, and what was being done to them.

When he heard there was a statue to be built w the visions cemented inside of it, he stopped working for a second.

He went to his sister in need of help. "I can't do it Ayaka. How do I tell the person I love their visions getting put in a statue?"

Ultimately he had to tell you, it'd be worse if you just saw the construction on your way out one day. And that's when the dam broke.

He asked your family to let you stay at the Kamisato house full-time, which they fully allowed.

You didn't get out of bed for days and barely ate. At first, it was just the depression getting to you. You're hopes and dreams turned to shiny blue jewelry on a statue, to commemorate the god that's supposed to protect the land of all things.

Then your memory was getting foggy, you left the food in a bit too long when helping out in the kitchen, then you forgot Ayakas birthday. You couldn't recall how you and Ayato met.

"Love, can you repeat what I just said to you?"

"huh? I'm sorry Ayato, I guess my mind was somewhere else."

He's seen the effects that came w a vision being stolen but it was all in passing, he never stayed long enough to see how bad it got.

it wasn't until you started being indifferent that he realized he needed to do something. He thought he'd be relieved when you started getting out of bed more and eating more, but there was no light in your eyes that he fell in love with, no sparkle of snow he saw every time he looked at you. you weren't healing, you were becoming a shell.

It's true he couldn't shelter all of his loved ones from this decree, but he sure can fight it.

Began holding funds for families affected by the decree who could no longer work and support their families, and began support groups for those trying to heal and help heal others.

Keeps up a political appearance if only to continue to be a part of the political call, because bet the second he's seen picking sides he'll be excluded from conversations realll quick. So while he's continuing to put up appearances, he's secretly feeding that info to as many families as possible about where the next round-up of visions will go. Mainly using Thoma's chores to pass along notes to the public he goes to.

Becomes a significant patron to the resistance. Under an anonymous name of course, but often letters Kokomi and Gorou via pen pal names and code to give them all that they need.

There are times when you relapse, go hysterical begging to get your vision back, threatening to go up to the statue and break your vision free yourself. He has to physically stop you from leaving the building like this. Takes any hit or insult you throw.

"You're the head of the Yashiro commission you're supposed to be able to stop this. You still love me right? Do something!!" You're crying and pounding his chest and all he can do is agree and hold you. " I know love, I know. I'll make this right, I promise, just hold out a bit more for me ok? I love you so much." He really doesn't know which he'd prefer at this point, you being numb to the situation so you're at least no suffering, or you demanding justice because at least then you're doing something.

Holds you while you sleep, if you know you cry while you sleep, you either don't acknowledge it or you don't remember why you were crying in the first place.

He's a lot more exhausted as time goes on, exhaling big sighs and closing his eyes the second that meetings are over. You try and help him with relaxing, reassuring him that he doesn't have to try so hard. But he does, because right now you don't even know what you're trying to reassure him of, you're spitting empty words of love and reassurance as he tries and fight for you to feel again. It's frustrating, but he knows it's not your fault, so he has to put a face off not just at work but at home.

When it's all over, he sighs the biggest sigh of relief, not just for you, but for his sister and everyone he loves. The nation collectively cheered in the streets, hugging loved ones still dazed and confused about what all the commotion was about.

Ayato knocks on the bedroom door, as he was taught when entering a room. You open the door, eyes tired, clearly woken up from a nap but still answering non the less. "Sorry Ayato, I must've dosed off reading." You were cut off by a huge hug, lifting and twirling you a bit in the air, laughing along with you. "Hey now, what's all this about hun?"

He sets you down gently, hands pulling up to your shoulders and bending slightly to look you straight in the eyes. "We did it." He says.

"We did?"

"Yeah, we did it. We won, love."

"Oh. Well, good for us I suppose." He shakes the lackluster response off, quickly retrieving a cloth from his pocket and presenting it to you. You're still confused but take it anyway, slowly opening the cloth, revealing the vision you lost so long ago.

The shine that comes off you and the vision as it touches your bare palms is immaculate, a slight breeze that wasn't there before blowing you're hair. And then you're crying, for a second he's worried till the smile forms on your face and he realizes you're crying out of pure joy. You laugh like you haven't laughed in a century and all the color spills back into the world.

"What happens now?" You ask.

He smiles, taking your waist in his hands and kisses you deeply, for the first time in a long time.

"We start making things better."

[fleet-admiral-hiba]

Howdy! It's been awhile! I was wondering if your asks were open because I've come with a request. Not a yandere one but I think it will be good. May I request Charlotte Smoothie with a fem darling who had been with her and almost wed to when the darling dies(Killed or died either way). Then several years later, a woman arrives at the island, declaring herself to be the darling. Even knowing stuff that only Smoothie and her darling would know. Thank you and I love your work as always! take care!

Howdy, dear. My ask are always open, though I'm not as active as when on holidays. Anyway, I love this ask so much

LIFE ETERNAL

Everything was going on smoothly. Life was good, you were there and she was happy. You two loved each other so much it made the kids wonder and hope for a love like yours, and it made the elders pleased to see someone of their family so happy.

You were a ray of sunshine, your cheery attitude had rubbed off on everybody.

They all loved you. That's why it hurt even more.

You two were out at sea when it happened. An ambush made the boat rock, Smoothie and her crew fighting the intruders off. You ran to safety, as per request, but a sword pierced your lower abdomen,making you fall. The boat was rocking so wildly you were catapulted out of the ship.

Unfortunately, your fiancée was there to witness everything. She rushed, but she didn't make it. Her hands moments away from yours.

Your body was swallowed by the seas below, and it vanished.

She eliminated everyone brutally, before falling to her knees, crying in despair. She knew that, had it been any other situation, it would have been unbecoming of a sweet commander, but this was her soon to be wife. They were going to see the dress, just to add insult to the injury.

She returned home, the news already been heard, and they held a solemn funeral, to pay their respects to a fallen family member. It hurt, they all cried, but they swore to keep your memory alive.

She went back to work,to keep her mind off the pain. But everything reminded her of you.

Couldn't you hear calling your name out, my dear?

.

.

.

Two years passed and she was starting to come to terms with her loss. The land,though, never gained back the shine it had with you.

She was preparing for the upcoming wedding when a chess soldier ran to the room. She was busy enjoying a nice fruity punch when she heard the words, "Ma'am, a woman out there is looking for you. She looks familiar, but we aren't positive of that. She's asking for you" panted the soldier.

She ran, hope still burning inside her. Maybe after all this time, you may have survived.

She ran outside and she saw you. Her eyes were wide, shock etcher in her face. Could it be?

"Hello darling, it's nice to see you too" you said,mirth dancing in your eyes. She wanted to believe that, but she had to confirm it was really you and not a sick joke.

"Tell me, if you so claim to be my beloved, what is one thing you cannot absolutely stand?" She questioned, waiting.

"Well, apart from caviar, I hate when you talk bad about your body. You know how I feel about hearing the woman I love doubting her undeniable beauty" you stated, confidence flowing through every word.

"What's the next wedding that will happen here?" She asked, knowing very well that only family members, as of now knew about the wedding, "The last one should have been ours, but the next will be that of Pudding with Vinsmoke Sanji. For political and tactical reasons of course, given the advanced technology the Vinsmoke have, with the subsequent elimination of Sanji, if Pudding or Mama so desire" you finished, before having the time to open up your mouth,you were being swopped up.

"You're back" she said, voice trembling ever so slightly, "Yes, love, I'm back. I'm sorry I went missing but I had quite the adventure" you said, before being put down.

"I need to tell every-" you stopped her, "there will be no need, by now I'm sure everyone knows there will be another wedding soon. Your guards did the job for you" you said laughing, while she stared lovingly at you.

Later that night, while they all celebrated your return, with hugs and gifts and scolding, you told your story.

"When the sword pierced me and I fell overboard, I was taken in by the Red hair pirates. Well, they pretty much saved my life. And it was thanks to them that I could make my way back here. It took so long because of the gravity of the injury. But they have been gracious host and they didn't think twice about helping, especially after I told them that my wife, the daughter of Big Mama was soon going to marry me. They were really nice people. They even accompanied me on land before going back" just your luck to be saved by another emperor, huh?

"Well, it seems we have to send a gift to Shanks, to show our gratitude" said Katakuri, happy to have you back.

"I thought about the perfect gift while coming back, so...Smoothie, you are hurting my ribs" giggling,you pried open her hands , taking them into your own.

"He adores having parties, so we could send him some of the best Sake we can find. Those big bottles would be perfect" you finally managed to finish the sentence, before being smothered again by the younger ones.

.

.

.

You spent the day after in a kind of edgy state. Not because you weren't happy to be home, but because the kids could be quite crafty in ambushing you with hugs. And you really wanted your ribs intact, or the dress wouldn't fit.

"Anana, darling, put the knife down. I'm home and I'm safe, you don't have to threaten every person you see. Instead, come with me. We have to look for the rings" and slowly but surely you dragged the little girl to the store, while keeping her knife safely tucked away.

[duckielover151]

Some OPLA Thoughts: Episode 4

Okay. So I took an unintended hiatus from the live action One Piece, but I have rewatched what I already saw, and I'm back now.

This episode had its ups and downs so... let's go in a negative-to-positive direction. I prefer to end on the high notes.

So to start... I have encountered my first major disappointment with this series. For an adaptation that's gotten so many things so right... they really messed up the portrayal of Kuina.

I think I knew it from the moment she says her first lines... Because the Kuina I knew would never have gone over to try to comfort Zoro after a loss. If anything, she would have gone over to gloat about beating him again. Which was perfectly fine, because it made it that much more impactful when she finally does break down and share her fears that she'll never be able to be the best, just because she was born as a girl.

A fear the live action never once mentions she has specifically because her father's been telling her so for as long as she can remember.

On the one hand, this live action is a great opportunity to get a new wave of fans into this world and these characters. This was the first time I felt live action-only viewers suffered for not seeing the original, because I almost can't explain what an injustice this little plotline was originally. How Kuina was so rightfully angry, how she was actively proving him wrong-- beating not only the other kids at the dojo but all the adults who challenged her as well, the men included-- only to then have her father still be all, "It's a shame you'll never have as much potential as they do... etc." She fought against his sexist, old-fashioned beliefs with everything she had. To reveal that someone so strong was secretly afraid he might be right was a powerful moment.

Everything about Zoro's backstory just felt almost watered down. It's unfortunate.

The one thing I was kind of lukewarm about with this episode was that I don't feel like it showcased Usopp's strengths enough. (And at this point in the series, he really doesn't have that many of them so it's kind of necessary to go all out...) He slingshots a couple things in episode four, but it's nothing compared to the arsenal of tools and inventions he already had under his belt at this point in the original. What keeps his character afloat-- amidst all these other monstrously strong ones-- is his creativity, and I don't feel like the live action adequately showcased that. But this episode does end with the crew already getting into another fight, so that redemption may be coming soon.

That said, there is still more good than bad. Usopp's actor is doing such a good job bringing him to life. I really loved the energy he had in the last episode when telling his tall tales... but I loved to hear how it was almost identical to his tone of urgency in this episode, when he's trying to convince Kaya she's in danger. Makes it a little more convincing that she might not believe him.

Alexander Maniatis was also really great as Klahadore/Kuro. This series has deserved all the praise it's gotten for how well-cast it is. I think what's impressed me most is that every time I've gone to look someone up, their name is almost always followed by some variation of, "this is their first major role." (And I absolutely loved seeing how ruffled Kuro-- infamous Captain Kuro of a Thousand Plans, arrogant jackass who doesn't believe anyone could one-up his scheming-- was getting over the course of the battle.)

And finally, though it was nice to see the confirmation of something romantic between Usopp and Kaya, I was more pleased by the decision to keep Merry dead. One Piece is so hard-hitting when it wants to be. But it also walks this line of being just a little toothless at times. (I hated the twist that none of the important characters really died in Alabasta.) I've got nothing against Merry, but I don't think he was quite important enough to revive. Sometimes losing a few minor characters over the course of an adventure is necessary to really make an impact.

[mrssoapmactavish]

penny for your thoughts

content warning: mature themes, talk of death, gore, violence, mature language.

synopsis: flukey and ghost have a chat about the inevitability of the end. they make a promise that neither of them reach that point prematurely.

flukey is an oc.

in the words of her lieutenant, fuckin' hell.

flukey hadn't been this unfortunate on a mission since she was a rookie, back in days long past.

but alas, here she is, self-barricaded on the roof of a compromised building on a black-ops mission, a stab wound in her thigh placed in such a position that she'd need a bit of physical therapy and proper recovery to ensure she isn't limping for the rest of her days.

if she doesn't die on this mission, her mind curses, she'll be absolutely fucked.

a deep breath leaves her as she keeps one hand pressed against the make-shift bandaging she's used, the warmth of her life-giving liquid seeping out under her fingers, staining her skin.

"this is bravo 0-7, flukey, how copy?" there's the voice she's used to. the stoic tone of her manchester lieutenant, finally coming through. if there was a god, he'd be right stoked. "bravo 0-7, flukey, how copy?"

the aussie reaches for the walkie strapped to her vest, reaching and pressing the button, her voice much more strained than she would've liked it to be. can't be weak in front of your CO, eh? not when that bugger's taken more than a few bullets in front of ya.

"this is flukey, solid copy." is all she can get out, letting go of the button and letting out a deep exhale and a groan of pain, the last of the adrenaline having finally worn off, leaving her in nothing but agony.

"thought you were gone." ghost grumbles over the comms, making a soft laugh leave her trembling lips, fingers going to clamp around the button. "fuckin' nearly did, one of those cunts got me good."

there's a pause on the other end of the line, before a gruff little sigh leaves her superior. "keep those eyes open, fluke. give me some landmarks so i can find you."

"could just drop a flare, it's a fuckin' ghost town 'round here. what with how many squirters got dropped," flukey responds, a soft sigh leaving her as she feels her pulse start to fluctuate under the hand on her wound.

"that gives you away. landmarks, fluke." there's that tone again, the one that says 'i'm the boss man, listen to me or die.'

"shit, ghost, you're really pullin' me bum leg here," she jokes, though because it's met with silence, she sighs softly. "m'on the big skyscraper, one with the fuckin' thirty floors of windows. f'i look over the ledge, i can see a fountain, fuckin' city plaza."

another moment of her pained silence, struggling to keep herself both awake and grounded, until that voice chimes in; "was that so hard?"

"respectfully, sir, get stuffed." "glad to see you've got enough energy to get mouthy."

now that is funny, at least to flukey's blood-loss addled mind, too straddled with the impending possibility of permanent corpse status, so she laughs, unrestrained and pained, over the line.

"coulda used a big ol' shadow like you out there, lt. maybe it'd be a grave 'stead of this bullshit, got me bludgin' around. not sure i'll even make it outta this, sir." her mind is slipping away from herself, but her tongue is looser than ever– which is saying something, since she knows why bloody mactavish always gets her right hosed.

she can hear him in her head, right now. "flukey, if ye're gonna convince me you can knock back a few pints, ye've got to keep yer mouth shut 'bout it, steamin jesus, hen."

"you will make it out of this, sergeant. keep those eyes open. talk if you have to." ghost's voice is, quite honestly, the only thing keeping her fighting off that urge to just rest, close her eyes, let sleep swallow her whole.

"aw, ghost, y'gettin' all soft on me. not so much of an ankle biter now, am i?" "watch it, fluke. no one's here but us, no one'll know you died of strangulation." "takin' the piss, aye? here i was, thinkin' you an' johnny were a couple o'..." a cough interrupts her sentence, appropriately shutting her up, a satisfied rumble leaving the lieutenant because of it. can't have her insinuating he's getting busy with his sergeant, after all!

"aye, lt. penny for y'thoughts?" fluke speaks, voice soft and quiet, her eyes wandering down to the somewhat exposed skin around the gash, watching carefully as she eyes her fingertips turning a tint of white best left for ghosts made from sheets.

or the mask, her mind readily supplies.

"worth more than that," ghost grunts, entertaining her words, if not to keep her from retreating into the ending moments of her life, to see if everything really does flash before your eyes like they say.

"mm, how 'bout a pint then? pint for yer thoughts? and f'christ's sake, ghost, if i hear a joke, 'll fuckin' bury you out in the bush behind me house." she suggests, in no place or state of mind to be threatening the man willing to scale such a large building– likely not fully clear, to be plain– in order to save her.

"pint sounds fair," the man's voice rumbles, before he's quiet a moment. "entering the building. hang in there."

fluke isn't aware of how long her eyes close, though she's torn from the warm, loving embrace of death herself by the voice coming through her walkie.

"think you're not that lucky this time." "aww, bugger off." this is enough to get a rare, subtle chuckle from the lieutenant, M4 raised as he continues to sweep the building floor by floor, making his way up to the sergeant in distress.

"... think you're too young to be out here, dyin' on me." the man tells her, quiet honesty being enough to give the woman a small surge of confidence and keep her awake just a bit longer.

"so 've grown on ye, aye? cheeky. good on ye, finally gettin' in touch with your feelins', daft cunt." another laugh, this one bringing a ring of panic into ghost's mind, one that urges him to hurry the fuck up.

"think we make a deal, you and i." "yeh? what'ye want, my fuckin' leg? y'can take it, f'you get me outta here." "not quite. think we need to watch each other's back a bit more."

there's silence for a moment, flukey finally speaking up again. "sentimental. keep talkin'."

"neither of us dies out on the field. how's that for a deal?"

the prospect, especially when you feel so close to seeing your family up in the peaceful beyond, seems incredulous. though, even if it's a dying woman's wish, might as well humour him, one last time.

"...alright, sappy bugger. ye got yerself a deal." she answers, closing her eyes to rest again, the voice on the other line tapering off in the recesses of her mind, echoing like a bell in a clock tower.

it's not that much longer before her body, mostly limp, is lifted from the top of the roof by a rough brit who prays to a god long forgotten by him that the redhead makes it back to base alive enough that he hears about some shitty story of the outback.

[nyoggets]

There's something so very very bittersweet about finding beauty in things and meaning in that; knowing the time you've got left to look at it is limited

Some medical chat and health lamentation up ahead, not the most entertaining by any measure but I gotta write down my thoughts

I mentioned my eye infection; chronic for nearly 10 years now; a while ago and had a checkup today. My vision hasn't really returned fully, and while that in itself isn't Abnormal after an infection per se, it's been a while, so I was hoping there was simply still an infection, since that'd explain my loss of sight. Unfortunately, fortunately - I can't really tell - the infection is gone, which means my sight is too, it's unlikely it'll get better again, and this is just another hit my eye took. As said, I've had these infections retry regularly (sometimes viciously) for almost a decade, so those hits stack up. Because that alone isn't enough, I've also got a congenital degenerative eye disease that's slowly, but not slowly enough, eating away at my photoreceptors. There's no cure for this, and mine is progressing much too fast; likely exacerbated by the frequent infections. All this to say; me going blind isn't a question of "if", it's "when".

Nearly everything I enjoy is very visual, partially by choice, partially by necessity given I'm deaf too. I lost my hearing when I was between 3 and 4, so this is really all I've ever known. My pedagogy professor used to say being blind separates you from things, being deaf from people. But well, at some point things were really all I had, so losing those too just really fucking sucks. I try not to think about it too much because well, chronic illness, can't think about to much or it'll break you. It's fine, I'll find a way to live with any new developments too, I just wish I didn't need to.

This is messy and bitter and there's not really any positive moral or message here - chronic illness sucks, I'm still only 22 so I'm positive it'll only get worse from here. Just had to get these thoughts OUT so I can continue to not think about this until shit hits the fan, as I've been doing for most my life. And now I'll get home and bake a cake again and make jambalaya for dinner; and hopefully can manage to push down this mourning for things I haven't lost just yet.

My vision is already terrible, I'm deaf but never really learned to sign so I don't really fit in either world, my joints have been giving up before I even reached double digits, congenital heart, lung and eye issues. Honestly it's harder to find a part of my body that works just fine (my teeth?? For now); and while I can still do most things by myself for the time being, it sucks thinking about how much more I could be if I hadn't lost the lottery for every bodypart I own. And this is just the physical stuff, not whatever I've got going on mentally (also not great).

Trigger for all of this was thinking; after this annoying check-up and getting another syringe jammed into eyes for preventative measures, followed by an absolute mess of trains home getting cancelled left and right; yknow maybe I could treat myself to a book after all this. Found an absolutely beautiful collection of Edgar Allen Poe, all the stories and poems, beautiful hardcover and gilded sides, beautiful art on the front and back; was obviously set on "yeah, that's the one". Until I opened the pages and realized the font was too small for me to see. I haven't been able to read a physical book in many, many years now, and while ebooks can certainly scratch the itch a little - it's obviously not the same.

[crowleaf]

Talking about cooking and health and stuff.

CW TW for calorie counting, restricting, etc. If anything along the lines of what one may consider 'dieting' (though I don't consider this to be a diet) is triggering for you, skip over this post. Keep yourself safe 💜

I forgot how much better home cooked food is than restaurant food. Even 'nicer' restaurants (like sit-down places, nothing expensive, I'm poor and live in rural Ohio lmao) can't compare to home cooked food (the exception is like, sushi, but I'm not exactly in an area where I can get fresh fish I would feel comfortable consuming raw outside of a restaurant).

I've been in a health slump for almost a year now, since maybe last spring. Some long-time mutuals might remember I made posts sometime in 2021-22 about seeing a doctor about dietary concerns due to my somewhat high cholesterol (because I basically live on cheese and eggs). I was doing well for a while, until the app I used to track my meals started glitching. It just wouldn't save anything I put into it, and I had to go looking for another one that didn't suck and wasn't paywalled. I found one that was alight but still required a lot more effort than the one I had been using (which had also been recommended by my doctor).

So I fell off of tracking for a while. Life stuff got in the way and I didn't have the time, energy, or motivation to keep up with consistently cooking at home, and takeout was just more convenient. Unfortunately it was a boil the frog situation, in which I didn't notice the gradual decline of my mental health during this time. When you hear shit about food having an influence over your mental wellness, it's absolutely true. And you don't really realize it until you start cooking your own food. Even if you aren't cooking the healthiest thing in the world, it's going to make you feel better mentally and physically than any restaurant or takeout food will.

I've been wanting to get back to being healthy because I'm tired of being tired even after 2 cups of coffee and a bottle of dr pepper throughout the day. And because I'm sure my cholesterol is back up to the Shitty Range again, but I'll need to wait until the next blood test to find that out.

I had to wait until after the holidays to restock my kitchen with real food because no fucking way was I shopping around Christmas and New Year's. So now I have real food again, and it's wonderful. I already feel better overall. I haven't had this much energy in like, a year. I actually wanted to clean today and I fucking hate cleaning with every fiber of my being.

And yes, I am restricting calories, because this was what my doctor told me to do. I'm not technically under his supervision anymore, but that's just because he had told me I was doing well and didn't need him to check in on me every month, but I could go back if I wanted, if I had any issues. I'm not making my daily calorie goal/limit public because it's tailored to my height, weight, age, and birth gender, so it won't suit everyone and I also don't want people screaming at me and telling me I'm 'starving' or some shit (I'm all for body positivity, but I really hate the toxic, anti-health side of it).

But I need that restriction and tracking because I probably have undiagnosed BED, and it helps me a lot with that. Without it, I tend to eat absurdly sized meal once a day that is lacking in well-balanced nutrition, and leaves me feeling physically unwell. Or I graze on food all day that has zero nutritional value and also leaves me feeling unwell.

This isn't about weight loss for me, though that is a nice side effect and I won't lie when I say it's exciting fitting into clothes I haven't been able to wear in years. It's about health - physical and mental - and I know I feel best when I'm getting enough protein (something I struggle with when not tracking) and eat a controlled amount of calories.

Anyway it's just nice to feel good and energetic and healthy again after so long and I just wanted to ramble about it I guess.

Also, I know that not everyone can cook for themselves, for whatever reason. Disability, money (I'm on food stamps and it's the only reason I can afford healthy food), time, etc. I am in no way trying to shame anyone for not being able to or not wanting to cook. I don't care what anyone else does. This post is just about me and what makes me feel happy and healthy.

[pathopharmacology]

Hey. I'm the anon that checks in on you occasionally. First, sorry for thanking you for doing your job, I understand now that was tone deaf and I'm sorry for being an ass with that. Secondly, you've gone completely dark since this pandemic started and I'm really worried about you, especially since IIRC you work in emergency. You don't have to be okay (although that sure would be nice!!). I'm guessing you're not. But I'd like to know you're alive. And I want you to know you're not forgotten. We're not friends, though we're mutuals last I checked, and I want you to know someone cares even if there isn't shit I can do to help. Stay breathing. Keep your head above water.

Shit, friend, I am so sorry I freaked you out like that. God’s honest truth, I haven’t checked tumblr in ages, because I kinda noped out of most social media after we lost our first baby and then never really found my footing again after because a bunch more Life Stuff happened (more on that below). I don’t know that I’ll resume any sort of presence here, but for those who do want to stay in touch I have a twitter account (@patho_patho) I use occasionally. It honestly never occurred to me that anyone would worry. Again, I’m super sorry about that. I never intended to scare anyone.

Anyway, life update! The tl;dr version is that I found out I was pregnant in November of last year, freaked out SUPER HARD about it because of how things went the last time, freaked out SUPER HARD some more when covid-19 started showing up in the states, left the emergency department for a care management position right before the hospital implemented a hiring freeze, basically didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was like almost 26 weeks along and it was incredibly obvious anyway, and — several months later — ended up having an unplanned (but non-emergent) cesarean delivery when my water broke three weeks early and the baby was breech.

The little dude is now 8 weeks old, growing like gangbusters and marvelously healthy. Unfortunately, our entire state caught on fire recently, so I’ve just spent the last week with him up at my parents’ house because the air is poison and their ventilation situation is way better than ours. Fun stuff.

I can’t explain how good it was for my mental health to get out of the emergency department. I was struggling even before everything happened with my first pregnancy, so when I got off my “postpartum depression is even more awesome when your baby is dead” medical leave, I was in a REAL bad way. We were thrilled when I got pregnant again, but it was also much earlier than we’d intended (apparently I’m super fertile, hooray?) and I spent the first trimester pretending like it wasn’t happening because I wasn’t sure I could survive the loss of another child. Covid started being a thing riiiight as I was heading into the second trimester, and...let me tell you, being pregnant during a pandemic is absolutely terrifying, and it was even more terrifying when I was still working in the ED. Those early days, when we really didn’t know much except that it was really, really bad? God, that was brutal. I was having panic attacks on my way to work, because I was scared shitless that I was going to get it and either I would die (thus killing my baby), or there would be complications of some sort (which would kill my baby), or me and the baby would be fine, but I would give it to the Dude or my parents and then one of THEM would die and...

Anyway. Bad times. It was bad times.

I was interviewing for a number of positions when things started amping up, and accepted the care management job literally days before the shelter-in-place orders went into effect, which led to a hospital-wise hiring/transfer freeze. The transfer still went through, thank god, and my new job has been amazing. They were super cool when I finally told them I was pregnant, especially when I explained why it took me so long to disclose it in the first place (basically, I wanted to wait until the final diagnostic tests were done and I knew 100% that this kiddo wasn’t sick the way our first was). I’m currently on maternity leave, and every once in a while my supervisor will text with a demand for more baby pictures. It’s really nice, actually. Care management is challenging as fuck, but it’s also really rewarding and interesting, and I’m glad I was able to make the switch before the whole world imploded.

(Also, it’s super nice to be in a position where the stakes are not literally life and death, and I’m also not putting my own life on the line every time I go into a patient room? I might’ve been okay with that once upon a time, but, uh, a lot of shit changed for me last year)

That’s pretty much it, unless y’all want to hear the whole pregnancy saga (which probably isn’t all that interesting, to be honest, except for the last bit with the c-section and all). Parenthood is deeply scary and deeply amazing. Everyone talks to you about postpartum depression, which makes it super easy to be blindsided by postpartum anxiety, which is like regular anxiety except your hormones are completely out of whack and you cry a lot and also refuse to sleep because you’re convinced your baby will die the moment you stop looking at them. Being a new parent during a pandemic is even scarier than being pregnant during a pandemic, and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to explain all of this EVERYTHING to the kiddo once he’s old enough to ask what the fuck was up with 2020, anyway.

Again, I’m really sorry I scared you by going radio silent. I’ve got all my notifications turned back on in case you or anyone else has any follow-up questions, and people are always welcome to check in over on the twitters (which is a garbage site, I freely admit, so I totally understand if folks would rather not). I definitely aten’t dead, and right now I’m doing better than I have in a long while.

Now I just need the air to stop being poison.

[siancore]

1/2-Hi Sian, I really need to vent. Two part ask! It would be nice if Michonne fans can stop complaining for once and just support Danai. I'm tired of hearing her fans say they're not watching Michonne suffer. I understand it'll be hard, but Danai is still on the show. There are 2 characters AMC is pushing as the leads, Daryl and Michonne. If the show fails, best believe this fandom will blame Danai and not Norman for that. It's already tough for her with TWD fans always trying to erase her.

2/2-How about we rally around Danai instead of abandoning her during this show change? I feel bad for Danai sometimes. Seeing the behavior of many Michonne fans makes me realize why Michonne/Danai tweets and Instagram posts are some of the lowest liked. Her fans don’t support her like other fans support the characters they like. When they don’t get exactly what they want, they bail. This just let’s Danai know that all her fans cared about was Richonne and not Michonne or her as an actress.           

Hello, Anon *hugs* it’s been a rough couple of weeks. I hope you’re okay.

I absolutely understand what you are sayinghere and have concerns of my own. However, I do think there are manycontributing factors as to why people have stopped watching the show, and noneof that has to do with lack of support for DG, or because they don’t care aboutMichonne’s character.Taking Rick away was the last straw for a lot of people.

Ratings have gone downhill since Negan showed up and remained on our screens. Theaudience is genuinely tired of how bleak the show has been. At least inprevious seasons, there has been some kind of hope. A lot of that died whenGlenn died, and when they killed Carl off. I cannot speak for all of the fans,but I know Michonne fans in general were just relieved that Rick and Michonnehad one another after what they lost. Now, as we know, they don’t have thatanymore.

They were meant to lead together; that was taken away fromthem, and the fans. I do get what you are saying. I don’t want the fandomblaming Michonne for the failures of the writing staff and TPTB. However, I don’tthink people should support a show that they no longer love.

I love Danai. Everyone who knows me knows this. I am sohappy that Michonne is going to be leading the show, and to be honest, I amgoing to stick around to watch that. I just wish it wasn’t at the cost oflosing Rick. I know she is smart and capable, and the only one who could havewritten the laws for their new world. She did that. She did it while raisingher children, and mourning her husband. I just wish this show could have shownher do it with Rick by her side. I wish they didn’t have to beat women down,and take from them to show their resilience. It does get difficult to watchthat over and over again.

I don’t think Michonne fans care more about Richonne thanthey do Michonne. They care that Richonne, as a power couple, and a family wasso, so good for Michonne. That’s what hurts in all of this. We know what shehas lost. Rick brought her back in the first instance when she lost her firstfamily. To see her lose Carl and Rick is simply too much for some fans, and Icompletely understand them, too, as I do you.

The thing about DG and Michonne fans is we support anddefend them both. We have done so for the longest time. And it was made clearthat taking Rick from the show was taking him from Michonne. They did this toMichonne, as much as they did this to the viewers. Some people will not standby and watch that, and to be honest, they should not have to.

I have to reiterate, Richonne is important for so many reasons,but mostly what them being together meant for Michonne and what she represents.She is an amazing character in her own right. She is one of the most iconiccharacters to ever grace our screens. The fact that DG, as a Black woman in herforties, with dark skin, is the leading lady of any TV show is amazing initself (because we know how shitty things are). Having Michonne be doted on byRick; seeing how soft Rick was with her; how much she was loved and adored anddesired, THAT was important. So please don’t be too upset with Michonne, and Richonnefans for mourning the loss of that. Who knows when we will get to see acharacter who looks like Michonne be treated, and loved like that again?

DG will do amazing things as the lead of TWD. It is justunfortunate that it comes at a time when Rick Grimes has been taken from us. Hewas the reason many fans watched the show, and stuck with it: It was his story.Fans of both Rick and Michonne are going to find it hard to continue watching without him. That’sjust how it is. But, I do agree that we need to continue supporting DG in all ofthis, and maintaining our love for Michonne. 

DG is a rising star. She will be okay long after TWD isdone. Her screen presence, her professionalism, and her talent will carry thisshow until it’s over; it will take her to new and better places. We will see what happens, but I know her fans love everything she does, and for many of us, it started with Michonne.

I will end this on a positive note, DG has been nominated for a People’s Choice Award for Action Movie Star of 2018 (the only woman on the list!):

[hongism]

caly... when things like that happen i always find myself at a loss for words. people can be so rude to others they don't even know! who does that person think they are? they hide behind this little anon function and think they can say anything, forgetting that you, a very real person, will be affected by it. i'm sorry that happened, truly. but i promise the positive reactions will always be bigger than the rude ones, we're always here for you <3 - 🧸

if you think you need a break from tumblr, we'll also support you. i can't even imagine how hard it must be reading that kind of message, but i know it gets heavy after a while. i just want to say that everything you write is valid, like you said you wanted to shine a light in different kinks and that's amazing! i'm 100% sure people feel seen by what you write, maybe for the first time, and that's the power of writing. sending all my love to you caly <3 - 🧸

thank you so much beloved :(( i truly think they believe that if they harass me enough i'll just roll over and agree with them but unfortunately they found on of the most stubborn bitches on the internet in Me so i'm not doing that ever 😀 you're absolutely right tho bestie the positive reactions and support will always mean more to me and have a bigger impact on me <3

i don't need or want to take a break honestly. i don't know how many times i have to block this person but they'll probably just keep coming back anyway, and at the end of the day, i can't stop them! i can ignore and continue blocking tho so that's what i'll do from now on <3 thank you for the love and sweet words it helps so much to hear :((