#i'm fucking exhausted and nobody seems to fucking understand how much

[a-hazbin-reader]

Okkkk I am loving all the alastor with twins idea's 😍 💕 💖 could you do some headcannons where he takes the twins on day full of errands like going grocery shopping in cannibal town and a overlord meeting stuff like that

I'm just gonna add a new one here...

Alastor X Reader Headcanons

✅️Romantic

❌️Platonic

✅️Parental

TW: Kids being chaotic, Babies biting, Alastor X Mom!Reader towards the end

Description: ☝️⬆️

Normally, Alastor avoids taking the twins out by himself, preferring to double team it with his wife

It's just so much easier with you by his side

But when his wife needs a day off or is too busy to go with him? It's full on dad mode for him

He talks to them the entire time as if the three of them are having a real conversation

"Which of these two do you think your mother will like more?"

"Baba!"

"You're right, obviously we need to try someplace else."

Takes the kids to visit Rosie and pick up some of his secret snack stash along the way

Rosie absolutely hogs the twins and keeps them in her lap for the entirety of the visit

She coos and fusses over them, allows them to wear her hat and chew on her limbs

"Alastor! Look at those chompers! You're gonna have some real trouble on your hands soon!"

If Alastor takes them to overlord meetings, then Rosie and Zestial will each hold a twin

Rosie is content to just ignore what's being said and snuggle with a baby, smell their fresh baby scent

Rosie that's creepy

Zestial likes to blow on their twitchy little ears just to listen to them growl and bleat at him

It's a game to them

The twins literally can't get enough of Zestial's voice and the way he speaks, always just hypnotized when he opens his mouth

Carmilla is secretly dying inside to hold a baby but won't admit it until Alastor offers it up to her

She melts the moment a baby is in her arms, smiling and rubbing noses with the baby

Her daughters will absolutely beg to hold them though

Velvette is pissed because she can't take photos of the babies or even hold one, the last time she tried, she almost lost a finger to those teeth

Alastor loves how he can basically control how an overlord meeting goes just by bringing in his babies

He wants everyone off topic so that they don't look into something he doesn't want brought to light? Good day to bring the twins

If he's taking the twins for a walk, then he's definitely got those child leashes so that he doesn't lose his babies

It's also to keep them from going feral and biting people but nobody needs to know that

If they run into Vox, then he'll suddenly accidentally drop the leash just to watch his kids take Vox down

The TV head won't be getting up without a few bite marks on his screen, Alastor holding almost angelic looking twins in his arms

"My most sincere apologies, Vox! Teething has just been so hard on the twins..."

"Oh fuck you!"

"Ba!"

"Not you!"

Alastor is surprisingly patient and understanding when it comes to his children's needs

He's able to quickly figure out what they want and avoid a tantrum

"Are you hungry, dear one? Papa has just the thing for you~"

And if they do have a tantrum...he knows how to get ahold of his wife...

He'll take them to a park and play games with them just to tucker them out, he actually seems like a normal dad in those moments

Usually by the end of the day Alastor can tell that the twins are tired and missing their mom

He misses her too

Is so exhausted when he gets home and collapses in your arms, rubbing his face into your shoulder

"How was your day out~?"

"Pleasant, but it would've been better had you been with us, my dear~"

You can't help but smile as his arms wrap around you, and he pulls you in for a generous kiss

That's the only moment with you that he gets before the twins push between you two

"BA!"

I love these family asks so much

[shortpplfedup]

Chapter 3: The Dream of the Eternal Moon

This fucking show y'all. How am I meant to survive what this show is doing to my heart? How am I meant to watch Heart and Li Ming so gently fall in love and still function as a human being? How am I meant to watch Jim and Wen slowly filling in each other's empty places and not open-mouthed-sob? How am I meant to watch Praew make krathongs for the men who have become her family and not feel warmth deep in my soul? How am I meant to watch Gaipa tell his mother he will float krathongs with her for as long as he can and not want to hug my own mom tight? This show is destroying me and healing me all at once, and after tomorrow it will already be half over and I'm not ready!

Jim's backstory slots so many things into place, about his sense of self, and why he doesn't let anybody get too close, and why he puts everything into the diner. To be so in love, to build a life with a person, and then discover it was all a lie, it alters you. Jim internalised that betrayal, he told himself his sister was right and he couldn't have that kind of love, and now that it's on offer again he absolutely doesn't trust it. 'I'm not fit to be anybody's home' made me want to cry when he said it, but now it hurts SO MUCH MORE knowing where it came from. What also makes me want to cry is knowing how hurt he is going to be when he finds out about Alan.

Wen's a bit sly isn't he? I'm pretty sure if Gaipa hadn't seen him, he might not have told Jim about his involvement in the project, as much as it was clearly preoccupying him. He's integrated himself so thoroughly into Jim's life at this point but Jim knows almost nothing about his. He plays things really close to the vest, even with his super-supportive dad. And nobody seems to know what's going on with him and Alan including, it seems, Alan. All Wen will say is 'it's complicated' and at the end of the ep when Alan finally appears we start to see how true that is. It makes sense that he's not so open with his life because his life's a little bit of a mess right now.

Gaipa asking Jim to Loy Krathong with him is basically a date and Jim knows it, which is why he pretends not to see it for what it is. Feigned obliviousness is Jim's shield with Gaipa, because it works. Gaipa is not bold like Wen, to come right out with his feelings and ask Jim directly what's what, although we know he will be driven to that at some point based on the trailer.

I really like the relationship developing between Wen and Li Ming, with Wen becoming a kind of generational translator between uncle and nephew. Jim and Li Ming are so similar, but they see themselves differently. Li Ming doesn't want to become Jim, and Jim doesn't want that for Li Ming either, but they have very different ideas of how to accomplish that. Jim thinks an education, a degree, will give Li Ming freedom, but Li Ming sees it as just another kind of trap. Li Ming thinks that freedom is about getting as far away from Pattaya as possible, but Jim sees Li Ming being trapped in a cycle of poverty and exhausting low wage work. Wen stands between the two, helping them to listen and understand each other, to see each other's points of view, and encouraging them to talk to each other rather than at each other.

Man, Heart and Li Ming. I love a lonelyboy, so Heart was always going to tuck himself right into a little corner of my psyche and live there. And Li Ming, that boy full of rage and frustration is so soft and sweet with Heart. He's also not even pretending he's not hitting on him, telling him they'll go to Loy Krathong together next year, and making absolutely sure Heart clearly sees and understands his fan di na. The acting of this whole storyline is sooooo good. The specific smile Gemini is using as Heart is this goofy, tickled pink delight that I don't know where he found it inside himself but it's so perfect for the character. There's an innocence to it and a bit of wonder. He's blooming under Li Ming's interest and attention.

Side Dishes

Jim was definitely not what Wen's dad was expecting at all it seems, and I mean Jim is as far away from Alan as two people could be.

Ms. Hong telling Gaipa 'I can't wait to see who you bring home' 🤣

Also Saleng yelling out basically MUST BE NICE BEING YOU as he watches Jim juggle Wen and Gaipa 🤣

I liked the dynamics of Wen's workplace. When he started singing 'do I have a choice' in the meeting when his boss retasked him, that was cute and funny.

That shot of Li Ming looking out at the water was absolutely stunning.

I love how Heart and Li Ming are the only things lit warmly in that cold, dark house.

The wide shots and long take scenes in this show are giving me life; this is the kind of work you can do when you have talented and seasoned actors to play with.

[rumiracle-whip]

4 & angelstone for the ask game :)

4. where it hurts.

Peter should have fallen asleep hours ago. He was exhausted, but he couldn't drift off for more then a few seconds. He stared up at the blank sky, he wished there were still stars.

Fuck, everything hurts.

It wasn't even a big fight, they just got ambushed by a group of blights, it should have been nothing. Exandroth just had to show off, though. Now Peter had to deal with the constant feeling of his skin being on fire, and the dull ache from the scars where eyes had opened and shut. His feet were all blistered from walking too, just his luck.

Trying not to cry from sheer frustration, he turned on his side to face the rest of camp. Thanatos was shut off, resting. Lizard and Sunny slept in a little pile near the fire, the little fox stirred and yipped quietly, dreaming something Peter could never understand. Rumi was keeping watch, polishing her harpblade until in shone in the firelight just like her eyes did. Peter found himself entranced by the soft curve of their smile, the way their hair perfectly framed their face. Rumi was more what Peter had expected angels to look like before Exandroth showed up, divine and ethereal in his beauty. A painting worked on for decades until it was perfected, a statue carved by the greatest sculptor in the world, a magnum opus.

Their eyes drifted up to meet his, and in a burst of golden sparks the blade disappeared and Rumi looked at Peter the way she always did, like he was the most important person in her life.

It scared Peter sometimes, when he looked at him like that. He doesn't know if he had ever been someone's favorite person before. What if he was reading into it all wrong, what if he wasn't special to Rumi at all, what if he was just as much a nobody to them as everyone else.

Then Rumi smiled at him, and all his doubts melted away.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked. When Peter nodded in response she pat the space on the fallen log next to her.

"Sit then, its awfully quiet out here, I could use the company."

Peter obliged and leaned his head on Rumi's shoulder, they were so warm...

"So is there any reason you're still up?" They murmured, softly as to not wake the animals.

"Exandroth was just an asshole today." He answered, his voice muffled in the folds of Rumi's cloak. "Can't sleep cus it hurts too much."

Rumi frowned and turned Peter's face towards him. "Why didn't you tell me? Look- here." He placed a hand on Peter's chest and he shuddered as the shimmer of magic spread through his body, it had to feel like being swallowed by starlight. When it dissipated, he felt a little better.

"T-thanks," He stammered, "I guess I just didn't want to bother you, you know?"

"You could never bother me, Peter." She whispered, taking his hand and examining the palm. An angry red line blazed across the center, still oozing a substance that looked like liquified light. Exandroth only ever opened eyes on his palms to mess with him.

"I wish he treated you better." Rumi lamented, closing Peter's hand around the scar and placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles. A flurry of butterflies were set free in his stomach. He hoped they didn't notice how much he was blushing.

"If you ever need anything from me," He continued, "No matter how trivial it seems, let me know, alright? I'm here for you, always."

"Always?" He repeated, "But what if-"

Rumi brushed his bangs away from his eyes and that shut him up pretty quick.

"I will be here as long as you need me to." They said with such finality and devotion Peter didn't think he ever believed anything less, "Now get some sleep, we have a long day of travel ahead of us."

The harpblade reappeared in her hands and she plucked out a few notes. "I will wake you once it is time to set off again."

Peter nodded and laid back down, on the other side of the fire this time, closer to the person softly singing an old ballad to fill the quiet. When he closed his eyes, for the first time in what felt like an eternity his dreams were pleasant.

[dareactions]

I just have a few requests x3

How about the companions react to a Young!Inquisitor reacting to solas's betrayal by saying this: "I dont know why I was surpprised, everyone I have ever loved has either left me,died,betrayed me somehow,or given me copious amounts of trauma. I'm kinda numb to it all at this point" and they stop hiding their emotions and they just look....so old? Like almost broken old?

I return just to hit y'all w the angst hammer im so sorry. (I'm not <3)

Solas goes first bcs he is a big meanie and should feel bad for hurting poor young!inquisitor smh

Solas: It's not the answer he expects or the response he wants. There's no doubt that he knew from the beginning that he'd hurt them, that no matter what happened they would look at him as if he'd lit their entire life on fire and watched it burn down but not once had he even considered that they'd look so- aged. There's a horrifyingly burning feeling in his chest and he wants to grab their shoulders and beg for them to be angry, kick, scream- do anything a normal person would. But instead, they're just staring at him so exhausted and for once Solas feels dread.

Cassandra: Her first initial feeling, is anger. Cassandra always responds to things with that first burst of fiery rage and need for justice, but once that passes it's just the need to protect. She finally understands her own brother, a bit. Cassandra helps in the only ways she knows, holding the Inquisitor until they finally let themself cry, and after that, she makes it her own personal life goal to cave in the skull of anyone who ever makes them make that expression again. She considers for just a moment if maybe she is part of the problem (she knows she is, she remembers the first time they met in that cell), but she can't bring herself to think about it.

Blackwall: He knows he is part of the problem, of that long list of people who have lied and turned tail when it came down to it. And fuck if he doesn't feel bad. Blackwall hates to admit that he is an expert in self-pity but he really can't help the wave of self-hatred that seeing the Inquisitor like that brings. He has never seen someone young seem so old but then he remembers young soldiers, young mages, and templars all with that same dead look in their eyes. Blackwall turns away, he might make them small trinkets and keep an eye on them but he is nowhere near brave enough to look them in the face for nearly a week after that.

Dorian: So, he is adopting them- everyone shut up, you don't get to pick. It's his younger sibling now and as their new legal guardian, he would want everyone to back the fuck off. Dorian is the most likely I think to fall into the attempts of regaining normalcy for the Inquisitor. He treats them the same, doesn't matter what horrifying piece of information they may have dropped he keeps the same level of jest and care between them. But he is more keen-eyed on making sure nobody gets too close, that nobody says something that no teenager or child should year. Nothing is more horrifying than a Pavus with protective habits, let me tell you that much.

Sera: I love Sera, but she is fucking horrid with the emotional support and she knows it. Sera will step around like she is walking on glass shards, get annoyed and say something bordering on insensitive and then realize what she has done- and try her best to mend things. Sera forgot their age, she said and had them help with things that maybe a child shouldn't deal with but no child in Ferelden isn't broken a little bit, so she isn't entirely sure how to navigate someone so numb to it all. Sera of course suggests crime, that always makes her feel better and it'll make them feel better for sure.

Iron Bull: See, the Inquisitor is a member of the Bull's Chargers. That means they're family and they're looking so fucking miserable and sad right now that it just means that he kicks into that need to protect. Bull knows better than to lean onto his past mistakes and regrets, think about everything he could've done better at this point to protect them. He just is more weary, more aware of their age- he does his best to keep some semblance of childhood in their life even if its far too late. And if things get too hard he pats their shoulder, leans down and reminds them 'horns pointed up, chin high' because nobody can take them down and if they are too numb to go on then he'll just have to re-ignite their flame.

Varric: Oh, he has seen that look before. Hawke carried it like a horrifying shadow of dread after their mom, after everything. He remembers the glazed over look, the empty tone of voice and the exhaustion. The way nothing is hidden on their face and he hates it. A part of Varric had promised himself to not let it get to this point, and he failed miserably. Varric never saw himself as much of a parental figure but somehow he falls into one pretty easily after that reveal, he is far less willing to let things slide. Varric is the first to admit he will put a bolt through Solas throat if he sees him again though.

Vivienne: She sees that expression, hears those words and she sees red. If you've ever seen this woman mad you've never seen her mad like this and it's like watching a mother lion with its cub. It's almost laughable when people try to get too close to do something after this, it's as if the Inquisitor has their own personal mom to freeze people at will now. She can't undo that hurt, she knows she can't, but she sure as hell can help them in the future.

Cole: Oh this poor lad, he feels that pain into his very core and it makes him feel like he will shatter and break himself. Cole is hovering, but not in the way that Cass of Vivienne is- he hovers in a surprisingly...helpful way. Cole whispers words of comfort, reminds them of the good and is well aware of when to be quiet. Sometimes he can help, not with everything, but this he can help with and he does so the only way he knows- words of truth and letting the Inquisitor wear his hat and hug him, obviously.

[multishipper-baby]

Thought more about the Loowynn kiddo and the whole backstory for how their parents got together and stuff. Under the cut because I got really excited and ended up writing an insane amount rip I'm sorry.

We start back when they're in high school. With Loon now knowing that Owynn is up to something, Owynn decides to use this to his advantage and basically converts Loon into one of his minions and forces him to help out with the plan without actually explaining what he's planning to do. Loon is scared at first, but slowly loses the fear as he becomes more confused with the whole thing: why is Owynn so fixated on the spring festival? Why does this Cami girl appear to have powers? What are shadows and what does that have to do with the whole scheme? He doesn't know and isn't sure how to ask.

So Loon starts to spend more time with Owynn, half because of the plan and half because he's hoping to eventually get an explanation for what the hell is going on, and they sort of start to bond with time, until their relationship grows into being a thing. Owynn becomes less mean with Loon, Loon becomes less afraid of Owynn, they spend time without necessarily needing to... But just when they're about to take the next step and maybe confess their feelings, Owynn's plan blows up on his face and everything goes to shit. Loon doesn't understand what happened, he's too out of the loop to help, and the next thing he knows- Owynn is gone. He's not at their graduation, he doesn't answer anyone's texts or calls, nobody seems to know where he is. Rumor has it that whatever it is he planned to do got him expelled, and his parents sent him to finish his schooling somewhere else. Loon just hopes he's alright.

He goes back home to Japan. Goes to college to get a business degree even though he doesn't want to because his parents think it's what's best. He tries to put his mind off of Owynn and everything related to him, but there're so many questions that linger from that time that it's impossible to avoid thinking about it. All he can do is distract himself by studying as much as he can.

Time passes and now they're 21, when Loon gets a sudden message from Usagi. She tells him that Owynn is coming to Japan for a concert- that apparently, in the years since they've last seen him, Owynn has managed to grow quite an audience. They say his music is almost hypnotizing, and wouldn't it be fun to maybe rekindle an old friendship from school? Loon is so relieved to find out that Owynn is fucking alive that he immediately goes to buy the tickets and pays extra for a meet and greet.

They go to the concert. Once they meet up with Owynn, he recognizes them and gives them his new number to talk sometime (since he has other fans to attend to in the meet and greet) and Loon, wanting a more in-depth explanation for everything that happened in highschool, asks him if he's free tomorrow. Owynn answers that no, he isn't, but they can meet up to talk on the last day he'll be in Japan. So they arrange something.

Anyway, the boys meet up. Owynn explains some of the stuff that happened but in very vague terms, and it's clear that he's hiding some things, says he doesn't want to talk about that time in his life. Loon is extremely curious, but respects it- even if he's a bit hurt that Owynn left without saying goodbye. They promise to keep talking and, once Owynn is back at home, they text pretty regularly. Then they start texting daily, and video calling, and sending each other gifts on the mail, and eventually Owynn gets the guts to ask Loon to be his boyfriend like he wanted to do back before they lost contact.

It goes fine for a few months, but Owynn quickly starts to dislike the long distance. He already travels a lot for his singing career, so travelling even more to see his boyfriend exhausts him. Not to mention that he's a very physical person- not being able to kiss or cuddle his boyfriend for weeks on end annoys him greatly. He starts talking about maybe moving in together and while Loon is initially unsure due to them not dating for that long, he eventually agrees. They move in together. Because they have difficulties with passports and work visas and shit, eventually Owynn just ask him to marry him and Loon surprisingly also agrees. Sure, it's early in the relationship, but it'll work out fine right?

So now it's been a year and a half of them being together. They're legally married, living together, and it's going well so far. Owynn tries to travel less or not travel as far as he used to, Loon gets a job as a Japanese tutor as he figures out what he wants to do long term, they have a good thing going on... Until social pressures showed up, specially from Loon's parents! Because now that they're married and living together, babies are the next step!! What married couple doesn't want babies?? They need to have kids asap.

Owynn isn't really too crazy about that, but Loon feels the pressure horribly- he already dissapointed his parents by leaving Japan (permanently this time) and by not using the business degree they pushed him to get for his own good. I also have the headcanon that Loon's parents had him when they were older than most- so there's also the sense of "if you wait too long to give us grandkids we'll die while they're still young". So after many discussions and fights, Owynn just accepts and they have the kid.

...As you might've expected, once the kid is there, Owynn discovers that he was right: he does not want to be dad. He finds the baby annoying and doesn't want to take care of them, going back to travelling constantly just so he has an excuse not to be around them. This, combined with his resentment over Loon insisting they'd have a child in the first place, ends up running their marriage into the ground. By the time Brooklynn is a year old, they finally decide to separate. Loon goes back to Japan with ae, because he wants his parents support and they'd been eager to met the baby. Now he's 24, with a failed marriage and a kid he had way too young and no idea what to do with his life. Yippee.

Six years pass, and Ken (the name they go by in Japan) grows curious of their other father. Owynn video calls and text sometimes, but it's not often, and hasn't once visited them. He insists that it's because he's busy, so now Ken really wants Loon to take them to (insert Latam country you think FHS takes place in) to see him. Loon isn't thrilled about this, but he wants what's best for his child, so he obliges- they go visit Owynn for two weeks during holidays, and it goes swimmingly. Owynn tries to make up for his lack of presence in their life by buying them lots of expensive crap and taking them to cool places and Ken is completely crazy over it.

They go three more years like that- Ken comes to visit for a week or two, Owynn gives it his all, then he's mostly a non entity the rest of the year. The kid assumes he must just be really busy for the rest of the year, and Loon doesn't have the heart to tell them the truth. Eventually, though... He decides to try his luck and actually moves back to the country Owynn is in again. Living with his parents annoys him too much at this point in his life, and being a single father in Japan is a nightmare, so it seems like the most sensible choice- especially since it might lead to his kid having more time with their other dad.

As you can imagine... Owynn fumbles it. He liked only putting in the effort once a year at a preplanned time, and then not having to worry about the responsibility of being a dad the rest of the year. Now, whenever he isn't out on tour, there's a chance the child could drop in and demand his attention. He tries really hard to avoid them as much as possible, making up excuses and giving excuses, and Brooklynn is very confused about why their fun dad is now so distant.

So, they try to get his attention. As they grow older, they start practicing their singing and dressing in more eye-catching ways and trying to imitate their father in the hopes that he'll pay more attention to them. And... It works! Their time with their parents is still nowhere close to 50/50 (it's like 10/90 lol) but Owynn does take the time to give them some tips on singing, and compliments their style, and seems to appreciate the ways in which they're similar. Brooks is thrilled- it might not be a lot, but they'll take all the attention they can get.

So, one day at their father's house, they decide to sneak into his room to see what else they can use to their advantage. And if they find an odd book, one that can teach them exactly how to use magic to capture someone's attention... Well, maybe this is exactly what they need.

[escapetheshark]

Off the Deep End | part 3 | swim instructor Bang Chan x fem reader

Genre: fluff; smut; angst

Rating: 18+

Pairing: Bang Chan x fem reader

Word count: 2k

Warnings: mentions of past trauma, drowning, and adult language (warnings will be added to each chapter)

Summary: Hellbent on facing her fears, she starts taking up swimming lessons from one attractive young instructor named Christopher.

A/N: I don't really know what I'm doing anymore, but I promise we'll get to the smut at some point. Just hang in there, the like 3 people that are still reading this.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | to be continued

Masterlist | Network

"So, how was your date?"

Her voice goes down an octave when she asks, wiggling her eyebrows at me with a smirk on her face. I just sigh like an exhausted mother of four.

"It was alright," I shrug, desperate to not talk about it any further, let alone with my co-worker. I shouldn't have overshared about the date in the first place, but I did and these are the consequences of my actions. "But I won't be seeing him again."

"How come?"

"He was a bit uhm, annoying," I explain, biting my tongue so as to not elaborate any further. Maybe it would be nice to just vent, but I could never get that personal with co-workers, and there's no way I'm telling my sister about my shitty date with this guy who took me to Outback Steakhouse, ordered a Superbowl salad and water on my behalf, became aggravated when I told the waiter I'd rather have the steak instead, and then proceeded to call me fat.

Well, I won't be doing that again…! Either way, my co-worker seems to give up on wanting more details. Maybe she understands the struggles of trying to date men in this day and age, or maybe she knows the dance and song by now.

You're so pretty, we should hang out. You're so beautiful, wanna come back to mine?

I sigh again, glancing at the clock on the wall, a little happy that I have just over an hour until my shift is done, and then I can go home to rot a little bit more and uninstall the stupid dating app while I watch some old romantic movie and entertain my own loneliness. Anyway-

"You should just enjoy being single," she concludes. "Value your own company, you know?"

"I guess I'm just lonely," I shrug, desperately hoping she will drop the conversation or, at the very least, change the subject to literally anything. "Maybe I'll just get a cat."

"Just find some guy to fuck and you'll feel better," she unexpectedly blurts, giggling slightly. I snort. "After half an hour with a man, you'll be reminded of why you've stayed single."

"You know, you're right," I laugh as I clean the counters, hoping nobody else comes in or, at the very least, nobody comes in asking for anything more than a simple coffee. "I should focus more on my photography and less on getting laid."

"How's that going along?"

"I've had a lot on my plate lately, so I haven't really done much in that sense, but I should probably just grab my camera and take photos of random shit, huh?"

"Absolutely," she agrees. "Make like an aesthetic Instagram. There's definitely folks out there who make it big through that, why not you? Your photos are good, Jess, I've seen your Instagram."

I'm slightly dumbfounded by the compliment, but I offer a smile nonetheless. I guess she's right. My photos are nice and maybe I should try to do something with them beyond sharing them on my social media every once in a while.

The application has been uninstalled.

I feel my lids getting heavier with each passing second and I end up succumbing to exhaustion on the sofa, feeling good about deleting the shitty dating app.

I haven't used this camera in a while and it suddenly feels heavier than I remember. This time, the pool doesn't feel as suffocating and I'm fully dressed and not wearing that horrendous swimming cap that makes my ears hurt. My models are random kids and staff members who volunteered to be part of a small local newspaper and I'm hellbent on taking the most artistic swimming pool photos Melbourne has ever seen. Well, this part of Melbourne, at least.

"Oh, you're the photographer!"

I turn around to face the source of the voice and I'm faced with the ever-smiling Christopher in his usual attire of swimming shorts and a white tank top, this time he's fully dry and his hair looks a little dishevelled but like he did his best to fix it.

"Yes, the photographer is me," I repeat, cringing inside for the dumb way I said it. I'm trying to not succumb to the temptation of checking him out like my sister suggested, but it's difficult to not stare when he radiates joy and I can't decide whether he's just happy all the time or a complete cunt behind closed doors. It's hard to tell. I'm not sure what's worse: someone so cheerful it's like they can't physically experience heartbreak, someone who hides a world of hurt behind an ear-to-ear smile, or someone who acts kind and friendly on the outside but is a rude arsehole on the inside. What are you, Christopher?

"I hope I look good enough," he chuckles, his ears glowing red as he looks down at his thong-clad feet and tries to fix his hair a little with his hands. "We should have a lady come in to do some makeup, I think."

"Oh yeah, she should be here soon. You guys are gonna be on the Weekly Melbourne, you have to look perfect!" He smiles, his entire face gaining colour. He's beaming, more so than usual, and it's honestly adorable. Jessica, what the fuck?

That's your swimming instructor, don't be like Jamie! I feel my face warm up, but luckily we are interrupted by the makeup artist.

"Jessica?"

"I wish I could have taken some more exciting photos, but they wanted very family style for the article," I can't help but talk with my mouth half-full as I chew on my sundae-covered fries. "It would be so cool to just do, like, an Accidentally Wes Anderson-esque photo shoot at the pool."

"I had no idea you were a photographer," Chris exclaims, unwrapping his chicken sandwich and taking a big bite. "Did you go to school for it?"

"I didn't go to school at all," I reply, trying not to sound bitter about it. "Life got in the way, I guess."

"That happens," he shrugs, his lips around one of the straws in the giant milkshake we ordered to share. "I studied Songwriting and Music Production and now I'm teaching people how to swim. Life does get in the way."

"Oh, so you write music?"

Before he can answer, one of the kids interrupts our conversation to make sure everyone at the table is aware that he won a bet with his friend by finishing his Coke first. Chris laughs and congratulates his student before scolding him about brain freeze, but the kid is too excited about his prize: the little Pokémon toy his friend got in his Kids Meal. The other boy sulked as he handed the winner his toy, but the winning boy decided that he would rather share and let his opponent keep his little Pikachu.

"Maybe this generation isn't so bad," I comment, turning back to look at Chris as he takes another sip of our Oreo shake. "But you were saying?"

"Oh yeah, I make music. It's a hobby for now, but who knows?"

I smile back, it's my turn to drink the milkshake. Somehow, I nearly forgot we're surrounded by a handful of kids, a makeup artist and a couple of Christopher's co-workers from the pool. This isn't a date, I tell myself. But God, I wish it was… Jessica shut up. You're just lonely and horny, don't let your monkey brain take over!

"Well, this was a fun afternoon," one of his co-workers exclaims, escorting the children to her van. "Thanks for the photo shoot, I can't wait to see the article!"

I wave as the van speeds away, glancing around to discover I'm alone with Christopher and trying not to blush at that information. I have to remind myself that the only reason I even looked at him, to begin with, was because my sister insisted he's a hottie - which is true, I'll give him that, and my own loneliness and lack of intimacy got the better of me. None of this is rational, I know, I guess I'm just needy and not thinking straight.

"Well, I'm glad I got to be a part of this. You better have made me look good," he chuckles and I turn my attention to him. "I have to get going, but it was a pleasure!"

"I'll see you tomorrow," I smile watching him walk towards his motorbike. It's starting to get dark and chilly out, I somehow didn't notice the passage of time all day. Time does fly when you're having fun, huh? I even forgot about my plight of solitude for an entire day there. What if life was always like this? Surrounded by laughter, doing something so fulfilling I lose track of time, enjoying an Oreo milkshake on a Friday afternoon without worrying about the burden of being alive, without thinking about the mortifying ordeal of my own existence in this fucked up world-

It was a pleasure…

There's barely any light coming through the curtains, and it takes me a minute for my eyes to adjust to the near-complete darkness. I was drowning… My head was underwater, surrounded by blue as a faded red wave slithered into my sight line. I took my hand to my face and the blood dripped copiously. I was off the deep end, maybe I still am. It's been thirty years and I still see the blood dancing against the deep blue water of the pool, it looks like a bright silky ribbon waving in the air, so mesmerising and beautiful.

The swimming lesson goes by fast and, almost as soon as I entered the water, I'm exiting it and preparing to hit the shower room. I wave goodbye to Christopher and he waves back with a faint smile on his face. I watch as he climbs the pool ladder and grabs his dark blue towel, rubbing at his soaked hair. Maybe it's just my loneliness, the touch-starved nature of my existence and the fact that everyone seems to think he's the hottest thing since Hell was invented, but he's messing with my mind a little. Could also have been yesterday's little photo shoot date, maybe I've been spending so much time on my own that a handsome young man's company for a while felt like a date rather than a get-together.

I'm staring, aren't I?

But what if his hands hold me gently like when I panic in the pool, and what if our noses touch? Don't be ridiculous, Jessica, I chastise myself for my own unfulfilled fantasies. The solution to these fake feelings you think you're feeling for your swimming instructor is to get laid. Your issue is a lack of dick. Well, one of your issues-

Editing the images from the photoshoot means I have to look at Christopher a lot, and that doesn't help my case at all. He looks beautiful in all of them, like he radiates kindness and patience, his warm brown eyes often just a half moon in his face. I would have never noticed him in a crowd but somehow that's what makes him so attractive, just how normal and approachable he is - no artifice, fireworks, just a man radiating joy in his smile. I've lost my fucking mind. But I've selected up to 20 of the photos that I think will look good in the magazine, edited them and sent them back to the editor for further selection and re-touches, so now I can go back to my delusions of being shown some love and affection by a man ten years my junior who holds on to my waist with a firm grip and refuses to let me go, and writes music on his spare time.

Jessica, get out of your head-

[thefandomwritersblog]

Ghost of the Ten Horizon: Forbidden West Hekarro x Fem! Old One OC Action/Adventure/Romance/Hurt/Comfort Chapter 10

Part 2: Ghost of the Ten

~~

“Kindness begins with understanding we all struggle.” - Charles Glassman ~~

Time passed as Hekarro endured Victoria's tears in silent vigil until she was consumed by a desolate stillness. Her body curled up into the corner, as if she could hide away from the world. Pity was something he could not bear to give, and he knew words would be utterly useless. Hollow sentiments that could never begin to comprehend the immensity of her loss; no matter how much he had suffered himself.

"Am I going to have to go back?" She asked eventually, voice hoarse from her tears.

"You've only just woken up," He said, shifting uncomfortably on the floor, "You need more rest."

"And that has nothing to do with the fact that you're trying to keep me a secret?"

He was taken aback by the abruptness of her question, its razor-edge cutting through him. Once again, she exuded a palpable agitation that rippled through her words. His breath quickened as he found himself captivated by her sharp tongue; for better or worse, she refused to mince what she thought or wanted to say. And for him, it was both thrilling and refreshing to face such brazenness in another.

In any case, his stunned silence only seemed to spark her amusement, and Victoria eventually scoffed at him, "Why all the secrecy?"

"You come from a forgotten age, Victoria. An age shrouded in myths and legends - deified by many. And as far as I know: you are the only Old One that's ever been found alive."

"So I'm a danger to you?"

Hekarro sighed and threaded a hand through his hair, "I don't know yet." He answered honestly, "But I cannot deny that your presence poses unique problems to me."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You claim that Anne Faraday was your mother, yes?"

The change in her demeanor was instantaneous; a dark cloud settled over her figure, and he could hear the ugly sneer in her voice when she spoke, "Unfortunately."

He wasn't a fool. Hekarro had been born a Lowlander, reared in an environment that taught him to read the slightest tremble in the air, to stalk the shadows with a practiced silence and ease. To sense the animosity of a predator with her hackles raised. Anne was clearly a sensitive topic; one careless misstep on his part, and Victoria would be at his throat.

"Your--" He hesitated, glancing at Victoria as he searched for the right words to say. "Anne Faraday is part of a memorial. Something that is deeply embedded in the culture and history of my people."

"So me being her kid." she whispered, "does that make me a threat to you?"

The tension in her words was palpable; she sounded fearful, angry and alone. Though he could not see her face in the dark, he could still feel her glare stinging his skin. Had he been someone else, he may have lied to appease her. But it was not his nature.

"As I said, I don't know yet." He replied after a moment of silence. "I don't believe in judging a person until they give me reasons to do so."

Then, she began to laugh. It was lacerating, a cacophony of uncontrolled fury and disbelief.

"This is fucking insane!" She spat through gritted teeth, her head still bowed in shock. "A thousand years in cryostasis? This isn't some sort of sci-fi story; It's real life! You seriously expect me to just accept this?!"

Hekarro could only bear her wrath in painful silence. When he didn't reply, she screamed, desperate and furious

"Answer me!"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, feeling his exhaustion finally catch up to him. "I refuse to pretend I understand what you're going through," he began quietly. "Nobody can. So no, I don't expect you to trust me blindly. To be honest, that would be foolish of you."

An oppressive quiet hung between them, and he found himself pausing on the brink of uncertainty. He was still not sure what to do with her when she punctured that silence with one simple, single demand:

"Everything that you're telling me?" Victoria demanded, her voice hard. "Prove it. I want to see it for myself right now."

Hekarro chuckled in response. He could hear the angry intake of breath through her teeth, but he shook his head. "No, you need more time to--"

"I don't care," she said, cutting him off sharply. "You want me to believe you, you have to show me."

"And how do you expect me to do that? You can barely see as it is. If there is something that I can give you that would convince you of my truthfulness, then tell me, and I will provide it should it be within my power to do so.”

All she could muster in response was an angry snarl. He held his tongue, waiting for the fire inside her to burn out. Eventually, all that was left between them was a low hum—an uncomfortable gap of nothingness that seemed to grow the longer they stayed in resentful silence.

He was adrift, his heart sinking as he watched Victoria struggle; not knowing if his comfort was wanted or needed, but feeling helplessly pained at her callousness. He knew why she lashed out: the world was becoming too much for her to bear, and she was desperate to feel in control of something - even if it was her own temper.

"You gonna drag me back now?" She asked softly, the anger palpable in her tone.

Hekarro shook his head and said, "I am not a monster, Victoria. You can stay here for as long as it takes. When you're ready, we'll go back together."

"And if I don't want to go back there?"

He started to wonder if she was being difficult just to spite him until he heard her mutter.

"It's too quiet…and too dark."

Hekarro stood up slowly with a deep breath and turned his back to the machine pen.

"Stay right here," he said, "I'll see what I can do."

Victoria responded with a dismissive grunt. He made his way up the steep, sandy rise of the passage. As he emerged from the darkness into the light of early morning, a brisk breeze brushed against his face, and it was only then that he realized how much time had passed during their conversation. His eyes caught sight of an orange-pink hue that spread across the horizon, slowly banishing the stars until only traces of them remained.

"Chief Hekarro?"

He spun around to find Dekka striding towards him across the arena floor, her face a mask of determination. Following close behind were Aloy, Beta, and Kotallo, brows furrowed with worry as they marched closer. All of which he calmed with a simple, placating gesture, slowing their approach.

"I found her." He declared, cutting short their panicked inquires. “She'll cooperate if we don't take her back to her previous room. Dekka?”

His chaplain considered aloud, “The barracks are far too crowded. If we cordoned off a section, it' would cause a fuss. We need something more private for our guest if we want to keep her secret a bit longer.”

“Do the Marshals have personal chambers here?” Aloy questioned Kotallo, who shrugged back.

“Yes, though there aren't any particular assignments for them. A careless Marshal may enter and find out our secret if we don't stay vigilant.” Hekarro observed a frustrated look spread across his face as he clenched his fist, “Do we really need to do this? Keeping an eye on her is easier when there's only one way in and out."

Beta twisted the corner of her mouth and dipped her chin down in a hesitant nod. "It's not critical," she murmured softly, "but it's important to keep her mental health in mind too. She's already struggling with so much; we shouldn't add more weight by forcing her into something that makes her feel uncomfortable. Plus, she'll likely recover faster if she's in an environment she feels safe in."

"We also want her to cooperate with us, Marshal Kotallo." Hekarro chastised him gently.

"What if," Beta posed, glancing at him cautiously, "she remains in your room? Respectfully, of course, Chief Hekarro."

"It's not a terrible compromise," Dekka added, "It's quiet, out of the way, and we don't run the risk of someone barging in without good reason."

The suggestion surprised him, but the logic was sound enough that he couldn't disagree.

"Very well," He answered, shooting a look to his Chaplain and Marshal, "Make sure the walls and the rear corridors are clear. I'm going to take the Old One into my chambers myself."

Both nodded, and scattered to their tasks. Aloy nudged Beta's arm, flashing her a smile: "Come on, let's get the medicine and the equipment moved."

Hekarro clenched his teeth, fighting off a laugh as he watched the sisters disappear into the depths of the facility. He turned with purpose on his heel and descended back into the pens. Victoria was right where he'd left her, her silhouette etched against the far wall of the empty pen. He treaded carefully forward until he was beside her, and he felt her stare burn into him as he knelt by her side.

"It's time to go." He said softly, reaching his hand towards her. She flinched,

"Where are you taking me?"

"You wanted new quarters, yes?"

The shadows around her face tightened as if she were glaring at him, weighing the risk of trusting his outstretched hand. Hekarro held his breath, every second felt like a lifetime until she finally reached out to grasp his hand with trembling fingers. With care he guided her up, but she was completely unable to support her own weight and nearly collapsed in his arms.

He didn't hesitate; one arm came under hers and scooped her off the ground. Victoria gasped in shock, and Hekarro flinched as he felt her nails bite into his skin, both hands desperate for something stable in the black void.

"Easy," He whispered gently. It took her a moment to calm even as she stayed tense in his arms, "Time is of the essence if you want a better place to stay. With your eyesight the way it is now, you wouldn’t be able to move quickly enough."

"Well, maybe give me some warning before you decide to grab me off the ground next time."

Hekarro snorted out a chuckle at the bite of her sarcasm, a grin twisting his mouth as he glanced down at her, "Consider it a lesson learned, then." He rumbled as he readjusted Victoria's weight and started back up the passageway.

When they reached the end of the corridor, Hekarro stopped in the shadow of the threshold, scanning the walls for any sign of life. His gaze was drawn away by movement from his peripheral, and he saw Dekka waving urgently above them on the overlook. Without hesitation, Hekarro sprinted across the arena floor, leaping up the ramp towards the rear corridors. Kotallo was waiting for him by his room. The look of worry on his face softened as soon as Hekarro arrived, and Kotallo hastily pulled back the curtain to allow him to slip inside.

The second Hekarro was inside of his room, he felt relief from the tension in his shoulders. His space was significantly larger than the other living quarters in the grove. On one wall, a bed was placed in between two crumbling stone walls and a broken ceiling—the only protection from the weather outside. Separately, on the opposite side, there was a desk full of tools, paints, parchment, and other materials set out in a disorderly fashion.

Gently, Hekarro placed Victoria onto the large bed. Immediately, she pulled away from him and scooted towards the wall, nervously glancing around the room while keeping one eye on him.

"Where am I?"

"The Grove Interior," Hekarro answered, proceeding to his desk. He dismissed his paints and tools and grabbed his bracers from their resting place, carefully tying them around his arms. "To be exact, it's my room. It's calm and less of a chance for someone to bother you."

"Discover me, more like." She muttered. "Just another prison."

"Be that as it may," he said with a shake of his head, "It's this or returning you to the underground. Which do you prefer?"

Given her limited choices, Victoria clamped her mouth shut and let out a grumble of defeat. He took a moment to glance up at her, noting her unease.

"I am sorry about this." He said softly, letting out a sigh. "Until I figure out what to do, both with you and how to…explain you to my people, this is the best I can offer you. For tonight, and however long this situation lasts, you can have the bed and I'll make do on the floor."

Victoria just crossed her arms and shifted her gaze away in a gesture of refusal, her jaw flexing as if she wanted to speak. Whatever it was that she wanted to say, however, it died on her lips once Beta and Aloy entered the room carrying bundles of medicine and kits. They gave him a faint smile before immediately starting to work around Victoria, despite her obvious unhappiness.

Realizing that further conversation was pointless, Hekarro swiftly donned his gear and departed, leaving the sisters to their duties. He found Kotallo waiting for him on the other side, pacing along the opposite wall.

"Relax, Marshal Kotallo." Hekarro urged him, but Kotallo refused to be swayed.

"Have you decided what to do with the Old One?"

He bit his lip, trying to suppress an exasperated sigh. Again and again he was asked the same query: what to do with the Old One? Could she stay, or should they send her away? How would he explain all this to the rest of his people? He detested not having the answers required, especially when it was obvious that his people were anticipating solutions from him.

"Not yet," Hekarro answered evenly, "and I doubt I'll have that answer anytime soon."

"The guards are asking questions," Kotallo said with a frown, "Marshal Ivvira cornered me last night and accused me of withholding information from the tribe. She wants to know what's so important about the underground that I'm keeping it secret. I don't enjoy lying to her."

"Then the next time Marshal Ivvira demands answers from you," Hekarro suggested sternly, "I recommend that you encourage her to come to me directly with any concerns she may have."

The weight of responsibility pressed down on him. Every time he thought the situation couldn't get any worse, it did. One issue after another without respite. He reminded himself that this was the cost of being a leader—something he took on when he brought the tribes together.

"Do you require anything from me, My Chief?" Kotallo's voice cut through his reverie, and Hekarro shook his head.

"No. You are dismissed until further notice. Thank you."

Hekarro followed Kotallo with his eyes until the other man's figure was no longer visible around the corner. From the rear corridors, he moved to the overlook, gazing down at the arena below, as the sun rose in a brilliant display of orange light. Its rays spilled over the eastern spires and battlements, casting long shadows across the sand.

A feeling of overwhelming fatigue and uncertainty enveloped him, a wave of emotion threatening to drag him down like the tumultuous waters of a stormy sea. He had to make a decision about Victoria and inform his people, but he was at a loss as to where to even start.

Would the Tenakth accept that Victoria was an Old One, who had slept through her people's downfall? Would they venerate her when it became known who her mother was, or would they call her a heretic and drive her away? These questions were assuming, of course, that she wanted to stay in the Grove in the first place.

A cacophony of noises from within the Maw broke through Hekarro's trance like a thunderclap. He frowned, furrowed his brow as he strained to make out what was happening. The conversation seemed to escalate until it erupted into a ferocious argument, the voices reaching ear-splitting levels that shattered the eerie silence of the early morning. Suddenly, the distinct sound of weapons clashing with one another echoed off the walls and sent Hekarro sprinting down from the Overlook in haste.

Hekarro arrived to find the mess hall in complete chaos. Screaming and arguing filled the air as he paused just outside the entrance.

"That's enough!" Dekka shouted, and gradually the noise began to subside into a discontented grumble.

“Spark and steel!” Petra's voice rang out like thunder, reverberating through the mess hall. Hekarro knew her to be loud, but this? The irritation in her voice was as clear as the sky above him. “I leave you boltheads alone for five spark-blasted minutes, and you go pickin' fights? Are you two outta your minds?!"

"They are our guests; you disgrace your tribe with your abhorrent behavior!" Dekka scolded coldly.

A thunderous clatter of furious dissent reverberated through the chamber as he entered. Instantly, the uproar was smothered in a blanket of stillness, his sheer presence paralyzing all present. He noted the splintered furniture and broken glass, the two boys firmly in Petra's vice-like grip, and Dekka at the helm of his unruly guards, both whose fists were clenched in anticipation. He remembered them from yesterday—the same ones who had cluttered around the wall, watching the Oseram with suspicion.

Hekarro strode quietly, each step careful and precise, to the center of the room. He looked at the guards, both of whom refused to make eye contact with him. Then to the Oseram, their own gazes transfixed upon their feet.

"To my Throne Room," He said quietly, with a deadly undertone to his command. "Now."

There was no argument. The only sound was the dull thud of feet on the old stone floor as they trailed behind him in heavy silence. Hekarro paused once upon his throne, glowering at them each in turn. No one made a sound; no one dared to speak up. When the silence stretched on, Hekarro muttered irritably under his breath.

He loathed disciplinary hearings.

He understood that they were a necessity, born of the need to keep order. After all, any disobedience could lead to disarray, and far too much violence already existed in the world without petty infighting worsening it. He studied each of the transgressors, their gazes lowered so as not to meet his.

"Twenty years," he mused quietly, his eyes flickering to the mural on the floor. "For twenty years, I have labored to secure unity among my people and guide them on a path of peace and prosperity. Not only for the Tenakth, but also for other tribes. And yet, this morning I woke to find out that all these efforts were nearly all in vain because of a dispute. Over what, exactly?"

Petra firmly nudged one of her workers in the shoulder when no one responded to him. The boy muttered under his breath, swallowed hard, and shook his head. "We were just sitting here having our meals and getting ready for the day, and these guys start shouting at us--"

"You lie!" growled one of the Tenakth. "Our Chief has been gracious enough to let you stay here, yet you make a mockery of our sacred grounds and talk about taking trinkets back home to share with your friends?!"

"Sod off! Don't you know a joke when you hear one?"

"That's enough!" Hekarro commanded. He glared at each of the guards and waved his head in disapproval. "Any issues should have been brought to a Marshal, Chaplain, or me. You do not have the authority to take actions against those I've declared as my guests."

He looked sternly at the Oseram and said, "And you!" They quivered, yet stayed put when their Forgewoman admonished them: "I offer you the chance to be a part of my Grove; I give you jobs; I provide you shards to send back for your families' sake; and this is how you repay me? By scorning and belittling my home? Our Arena isn't something for you to dismantle and display."

Hekarro's face darkened as he looked at the two guards. "You should both be stripped of your ranks and sent back to your tribes in disgrace," he spat. He then turned his glare to the Oseram, declaring coldly, "And all of you should be thrown from my lands. Let your Forgewoman and nature deal with you!".

His booming voice resounded along the ancient walls, causing everyone from the Dekka to the Oseram to jump in surprise. Hekarro didn’t usually shout, but he had no patience for their arguments. He huffed and hunched over onto his knees, "I suggest you all be grateful that I am in a somewhat merciful mood today. Your punishment is trench duty; perhaps some sweat and filth will help you learn to get along better. Dismissed."

He watched as the members of Petra's crew and the guard all filed out of the room, save for Petra herself, who lagged behind. With her hands on her hips, she turned to face him, and he saw the determination in her eyes.

Look, Chief,” she began, her voice low enough so that it wouldn't carry to the rest of the group. "I’m a proud woman, but I know when I owe someone gratitude. You had every right to kick us out on our asses, but you didn’t, and I can’t thank you enough for giving me and my boys a second chance.”

Hekarro's head shook slowly. "My people are no less culpable than yours. It would reflect badly on me if I did not make everyone responsible for their misconduct." He stared sternly at Petra, who returned his gaze without wavering, “This will not happen again.”

“Believe me,” she promised darkly, “It won’t.”

After Petra gave a short bow, she left the Grove through the broken arches. Hekarro closed his eyes for a moment. She was correct in some respects; he could have easily thrown her and her men out, but he could not deny that he needed her help. Even though he had already paid her a generous amount for her services, there was no replacement for her expertise in repairing and strengthening the arena. He likened this agreement to a duel, where each move had to be accurate and prompt. One misstep, one slip-up, and he would lose it all.

Hekarro's exhaustion came back with a vengeance, and the beginnings of a headache started to form in the base of his skull. He sighed and massaged his temples. Dekka would tell him to lay down and rest; after what happened the previous day, along with his lack of sleep, he wanted nothing more than to do just that. However, his bed was now occupied by an ornery Old One and Hekarro had no interest in spending his day as well as the long night sleeping on the floor.

And so he reluctantly set aside his uncertain thoughts, exchanging his unease for productivity. The morning and afternoon dragged on with frustrating slowness, though there was nothing he could do to speed them along. It seemed like no matter what he undertook, there were always more tasks that needed tending to and additional worries brought to his attention—a seemingly infinite spiral of trials and tribulations whose burden was becoming too much to carry. His headache had yet to dissipate by the time dusk arrived, the clamor of the day retreating into the gentle murmur of the wind through the jungle.

He savored the evening for its serenity, allowing it to relieve some of his burdens. He drifted through the tranquil corridors of the Grove, gradually progressing from room to room. He was comforted by the knowledge that everything he had sacrificed and worked for would be worth it. For certain, Aloy had warned of an approaching tempest, but no one was certain when it would hit. The only thing they could do was prepare for whatever might come.

Hekarro raised a hand to his opposite shoulder and sighed; the dirt and sweat did nothing to soothe the twinges in his muscles, nor did the humidity, even as it decreased with the descent of the sun. He drifted towards the inner ramparts of the arena, nodding at a few Nightwatch on his way down into the baths. The baths themselves were situated beneath the northern outer wall; he couldn’t be sure what the old sequence of chambers had been prior to that since they were partly inundated when initially found.

The warm air welcomed him to the small vestibule of the bathhouse. A light haze of mist floated on the ground, undisturbed, until he walked into an adjacent stall and perched on a stool. He carefully removed his gear and arranged it into a neat bundle in the corner before retrieving a cloth to moisten it. Everyone followed the same custom in the bathhouse: erase the Tenakth paintings from their skin. Machine blood was heat-expedient and sweat-resistant, but poisonous for the water. Even their powder pigments could sully it, so scrubbing it off beforehand was preferable before indulging in the baths.

Hekarro stepped into the main room of the bathhouse, his bare skin still dripping with water. The chamber was empty save for one person; an older woman clad in traditional armor sat on a wooden stool behind a stone basin. She looked up at him and nodded before returning to her task of silently crafting sea salt soapstones. Mirella, the overseer, didn't speak often, but Hekarro always felt a certain sense of ease in her presence. Without uttering a word, she handed him a soapstone as he passed by.

He slid into the pool, letting the warm, mineral-rich water wash over him. The red brick walls curved around in an almost perfect circle, reaching up to form a domed ceiling of tightly-fitted stonework that prevented the water from spilling out into the room. At the center of the curve glowed a large metal cauldron heated by a roaring fire, with glowing embers burning beneath it and sending off waves of heat. He could feel it even from where he sat, and he knew one accidental brush would guarantee raw and blistering pain.

Tonight was surprisingly peaceful, which Hekarro welcomed with a deep sigh of relief. It seemed to be inviting him in—an offer that was hard for him to resist. Hekarro wanted to lose himself in the warmth of the water and forget about his worries for a few precious moments. He closed his eyes and let the gentle dripping from the ceiling wash over him, listening to the low hum of the bubbling cauldron that lulled him into a relaxed daze. However, just as he started to drift away into the ether between sleep and wakefulness, something pulled him back, and he awoke with a rather unattractive snort.

Mirella released her grip on Hekarro's shoulder and furrowed her brows. “I apologize, Chief Hekarro," she said, "but if you are exhausted, find someplace more suitable to rest than the baths.”

Hekarro chuckled, “Understood, Overseer.”

Once she was content that he wouldn’t drift off again, Mirella resumed her tasks, the gentle brush of her broom joining the pleasant humming of the baths. Hekarro finished shortly after, partially clothed in his armor, his skin dewy with water, and his hair damp on his back. He ran a hand through the lengthy black locks and frowned at the habitual tug of the tangles he found.

The night had completely enshrouded the Grove by the time he exited the underground, and the gentle glimmer of torches guided him back to his chambers. He tiptoed through the threshold as he gently tugged at the curtain, taking precaution not to disrupt the slumbering duo on his bed. He found himself watching Beta and Victoria as they slumbered, the younger girl muttering in her sleep as she lay curled up on her side. A soft smile tugged at Hekarro's lips as a gentle fondness for the girl overwhelmed him. Carefully, he took one of the spare blankets from his bed and folded it before gently tucking it beneath Beta's head. She muttered softly and turned, but thankfully remained peaceful and undisturbed.

Hekarro's gaze shifted to Victoria, who was sound asleep in the bed opposite Beta. Her obsidian tresses fanned across the pillows, and her snores were faint but inconsistent. She wore a frown on her face as her eyes darted from side to side beneath her closed eyelids, speaking words that he couldn't make out. Hekarro recognized the signs of a nightmare, however, his compassion was overshadowed by apprehension. If he moves to awaken her, what comfort could he give her? Being so foreign to her world and unaware of the tribulations that tormented her dreams, he dreaded that any words spoken would simply aggravate her further.

He disliked this feeling of powerlessness.

With a gentle sigh, Hekarro tried to put his worrisome thoughts aside. He carefully pulled out the remainder of his bedclothes and blankets, arranging them on the floor. He laid down once he was satisfied, shifting uncomfortably against the hard stone before settling on his back. He stared at the stars peeking through the broken roof and the branches rustling in the treetop above him. His thoughts filled with worry for his people and for the Old One, who lay sleeping not far from him.

[arisatohamuko]

ok i'm gonna be a bit of a negative bitch here so don't mind me. hi

i've said it before and i'll say it again but i fucking hate having narcolepsy dude. i don't have the energy or brain power to interact with my friends or even keep up with my hobbies right now, let alone the ability to prepare for my next semester of college that's coming up next month. my head feels so heavy, my eyes are so tired, every single thought that i have feels like i'm trying to strain sand through cheesecloth. nothing is coming through, my entire body has that vague sort of ache that you get when you haven't been sleeping well, i can barely even manage to string three sentences together at this point. idek if this post is coherent, i could be typing complete gibberish for all i know right now...i truly would not wish this kind of lifestyle on my own worst enemy.

nobody deserves to suffer like this. nobody deserves to struggle through this. it makes me so angry that i lost so much of my life to this sickness even before i got diagnosed, and it frustrates me that nobody seems to take what i'm going through seriously. doctors never know wtf i'm talking about or how to help me, the government wont provide any aid for me, my own family constantly makes jabs about how tired i seem to be, and even though i KNOW that i am capable of doing amazing things when my treatment is going well, it's just...not as much as i WANT to do.

i'm always going to be at a disadvantage compared to other people, i'm never going to be able to reach my full potential, and no one truly understands how exhausted i am except for the people who have conditions similar to mine. i'm not just talking "i went to bed late" or "i have a hangover from last night" or even "i pulled an all nighter" levels of tired here, this is a kind of tiredness that sleep does not fix.

there is no escape for me. there is no cure. there's only bandaid treatments for the symptoms, and so many people see my struggle as nothing more than a punchline to a joke. i'm so tired dude...i just want to feel like a sentient human being for once. i want to be capable like everyone else seems to be. it feels like my life is just wasting away because all i can do is sleep, and all of that sleep still isn't even enough to keep me well rested.

[guildtree]

Hi! This is going to be a big ventpost/diary entry/bid for understanding/I don't even know. It's me needing to get thoughts out of my head and into words basically. If you're not in the mood for that and just want more Guild Wars memes, fair enough, keep scrolling, I hope you have a lovely day.

For the rest of you brave souls:

One thing nobody told me about depression, or even recovering from a depressive episode, is that it totally fucks with your emotional regulation. For me at least, being depressed was not sadness per se but numbness. I think it's formally called anhedonia, I call it robot mode, but there's a point where the stress and pain gets too much and my brain simply says, "Enough," and hits the off-switch on all my emotions. I can't feel sadness, I can't feel anger, I can't feel joy. There was a period of a few years where my emotional range went from 'mildly pleased' to 'exhausted.' I've had friends and family tell me they could see a marked difference in how I acted during my lowest point, from having flat facial expressions to losing my sense of humor to being tired all the time. Robot mode is a serious shift in brain function.

Of course, now that I'm recovering from this I can feel the full range of emotion. Which is great! And... also not so great. Because the full range of emotion includes happiness, but it also includes anger and fear and jealousy and true crying sadness, all of which I seem to have forgotten how to handle. (Or maybe I never learned, since I was at least mildly depressed during what a psychologist might call a 'critical phase of development'.) A relative says something rude while I'm stressed and suddenly I want to punch them where before it would have slid off my back. I startle easily when a big truck zooms by, where before I would walk across a busy street without looking first because I simply didn't care. Sometimes it feels like I'm flipping through a photo album of different emotions, slowly remembering how to process one only for another to fly right out of left field.

Right now it's loneliness. There have been a lot of changes for me in the past two years, some because of outside circumstances and others because of choices I made to help myself feel better. I know I made the right decisions, but even good change leads to losing things, and I've lost contact with a lot of my friends at this point. I'm going to have to rebuild my social network all over again, which is a scary and painful and lonely process, and ironically I actually feel more sad from that because I'm not depressed. Sometimes having emotions feels more like a curse.

I think I have to remember the good parts of it too. Yes, I can feel happiness again, and a sunrise brings me peace instead of dread now, but also even the "negative" emotions have their place. Anger is what kept me alive. I'll often say that I'm still around mostly out of sheer spite, and it's true: a real breakthrough for me was realizing, "Hey, it's not my fault I'm hurting, it's the fault of an illness and the rest of the world being shitty", getting mad about it, and deciding to fight back. Fear keeps me from doing stupid things and in a sense leads to pride - because to be proud of yourself for stepping outside your comfort zone, you have to have an 'outside the comfort zone' to begin with. I'm starting to think the point of loneliness may be to push me to seek connection with others - the feeling that I need other people, that I hurt without them, has led me to be more vulnerable with others than I normally would, something that has generally turned out better than I expected.

I feel things now. I feel a lot of things now. It's scary and it's beautiful and it's overwhelming and I love it and I hate it and I'm so so glad I can. The world deserves more than robot-me. I deserve to be more than robot-me. Maybe someday I'll figure out happiness, but for now I'll take embracing the chaos as a substitute.

[freuleinanna]

so I just finished dead to me and I gotta say, I gotta say it. I'm so fucking glad that they decided to end it the way they did. I understand why the internet is, to put it mildly, upset with the ending, I understand that everyone wanted the big happy finale, and that the Jen/Judy couple was in the hopes (romantically or platonically). even still.

it's about the cord. it's about the "you're my fucking heart", and this show is also about how hearts can break differently. grief and loss has never not been a part of it, but for the many deaths that occurred, only this one has brought the light with it, the release. not in a good-thing-she-died way obviously, but in a sense that is just right for the show and the characters. this is the first death they could both accept and process properly. the first death didn't bring violence, fear, detectives, and a whole raging shitstorm of being cornered and run down. because it was Judy. she fucking managed to break the cycle with her light, and that is something that she alone could do, her being who she is, the way she is. "dead to me" turned into "never dead to me" and it's beautiful

grief has made a cycle. it gave way to hope. to peace in a way where Judy is missed with such raw love, that it heals the soul more that tears it at the end of the day. nobody could heal people like her. she was a riptide, a swarm of guilt and exhaustion, and she managed to become a goddamn meteor shower and the light for people she truly, dearly loved. for her family.

I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wouldn't have had that deep connection romanticized for the sake of a fan favorite gay couple, but than again, I've always preferred this type of love to a romantic one. for me personally, it means much more than romance. and that's coming from a grown ass gay fucking woman, just in case you were wondering.

I'm even happy for Jen, because fuck that street cat has been through a lot. sure the whole Ben shananigans seemed rushed, but I'm just happy she found someone she wanted to return to for love. Ben is not a Judy replacement in any hellish way, he doesn't come close. but maybe because of that he's a choice that allows for some space, uncertainty, and, with that, hope.

anyhoo, I'm preparing to be bullied (though hopefully the internet buzz is over now), but that's what I wanted to say. I love them, and I'll always love Jen and Judy, and I'm fucking grateful to Liz, Christina and Linda for how much thought was put into the underlining of the story. fucking a, ladies

[fairycosmos]

hi love, hope you're doing well, I know a lot of people say this BC it's true but your posts and advice and wisdom etc etc is just sooo lovely to read honestly. so I saw you used to be a TA but quit cos it was like too much for your mh and stuff I'm in the exact same position rn and I just wondered if u have any like info/advice anything really like... obv dw about me taking whatever u say as too final but like, is it a silly job role to have when ur someone who really finds life so draining so easily and struggles w mental health often? like even tho working w kids is lush in general. cos Im on a break rn w an agency and then planning on going part time at some point but even then that seems scary af.

hiii sorry for the late response to this - i hope you still see it. i wanted to say i totally understand being overwhelmed in this way. working with kids can be wonderful but it is also absolutely draining and when you're already emotionally drained just in general- it gets to be a lot. i was at a breaking point with it, too. just the constant pressure of it. needing to take a step back is absolutely fine. last time i worked childcare, i was (i guess i still am lol) incredibly depressed, and with the insane hours i was working (it was a nursery that stayed open late LOL) and the high-stress esp for low pay (apprenticeship wages 🙄) it just wasn't sustainable. something had to give at that moment for me to feel like staying alive was even possible, and it's alright to admit that. i think when i quit, i even told my boss something along the lines of "im not giving the children the presence of mind they deserve because im in a really bad place right now', and it kind of helped me to frame it that way. that by doing what was right for me, i would also be doing what was right for the kids, even if it was painful and bittersweet and made me feel like a failure.

i guess i also want to say that just because you're feeling this way right now, like you need to pull the brakes on your job a little bit, doesn't mean you always will. and two (or more) things can absolutely be true at once - you can be great at what you do, have a genuine love for it, want to return to it in the future, and still be completely fucking exhausted by it all. i think doing what you can to reach out in terms of your mh and making that a priority would definitely serve you well in the long run. i took a break from it and now, when im starting to consider seeking part-time TA work again, i can see advantages of the job now that im looking from afar + after a break to recalibrate my mind and my approach. part-time hours might be a great compromise for you that works out - its a lot less overwhelming and a lot more manageable - but if that still ends up feeling like too much for you, that's okay. it's pretty clear that you're burnt out and in need of some deep emotional rest and catharsis, someone to talk through your feelings with so you can examine where they come from and how to cope with them healthily in the future, which is totally understandable - most people need that or a version of it at one point or another. i know the nhs is on its last legs esp in terms of mental health care, but i would encourage you to ask your doctor for a referral + seek out support groups in your area or any cost-effective private therapy practices if that's an option for you (a lot of them are willing to work with clients to agree on a manageable price.) anyway sorry for rambling, i think i just wanted you to know that you have numerous ways forward here and that your current stress level is completely justified + relatable to me as a TA with MH struggles. i think it's about finding a balance, whatever that looks like for you. im rooting for you and if you want to talk about this a bit more, i will be here. also, thank you so much for the kind words 💌💌 they really made my morning feel a bit less shit. i know im just a stranger and nobody has to take my words seriously or listen to them ever and it means a lot that they sometimes do. sending a big hug your way. it's ok to put yourself first for as long as you need and are able to! X

[rk-tmblr]

“Is there a place for me in your heart?”

NOTE: Another little spoiler of a work I'm drafting...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The flick of the lighter echoed through the salty air and then the fizzing of the cigarette's burning tip shone warmly against the dark blue landscape of the traffic city below her. She took a puff with her eyes closed, waiting for him to fall in his step and coming close. Next to where her elbows stood on the cold rail, Iwaizumi put a glass of water. Crystal clear, it looked like a diamond under the moonlight rays.

"Do you want me to put it out?" she asked while shifting the cigarette away from him, so it couldn't disturb him too much with its smoke.

"Do what you want, I know it's your choice to make," he replied politely, "But I have to tell you that I don't like you to smoke because it's bad for your health," there couldn't help but lecture her gently, "This doesn't mean you're disappointing me, you're not a disappointment."

"Mmh... Seems like the psychology lessons you had were pretty good," she hummed, smiling slightly behind another puff. 

"They were, but I must admit I had also a good observing friend who liked psychology at high school," he shared the little knowing smile. 

"Yeah?" she chuckled softly, "So you're not here to scold me like a child, are you, Hajime?"

He sighed and leaned on the rail too, glancing over the LA skyscrapers and orange-colored lights of its streets, he thought how to ask properly and she let him do that smoking quietly beside him. 

"You see it too, don't you?" he hated hitting around the bush but he couldn't middle in his friends' affaires at the same time, so it was the only way out.

"I'll lie if I say I don't see everything I can," she nodded and he was grateful that instead she liked the metaphors way too much. 

"Then I don't understand why," he confessed and turned to her, "Why didn't you say anything and why don't you now?"

She let some ashes fall down by tapping on the butt of the cigarette, she took a puff and watched the little flame burning for a bunch of seconds.

"I wasn't ready back then and he wasn't too, it wasn't fair for none of us," she explained calmly, "Now... Now we're being both stupid and we'll probably snap at the wrong time," she laughed in a silly way.

"Oh okay then, I was right from the start," he noted sarcastically, "You fucking dumbasses are meant to torture me 'till death!"

At those words she couldn't restrain herself anymore and laughed so hard that the cigarette slipped through her fingers and fell down over the balcony. 

"Oh shit!" she cursed still chuckling, "Hope nobody's gonna burn their hair!" she caught a tear under her eye with her pointing finger. 

"No seriously," he didn't pity at all the still half cigarette to smoke, "That was just a joke, right? You don't really mean it, right!?" 

The scene must have been funny because she kept a dopey smile on her lips, while she gladly accepted the glass of water he brought. Iwaizumi looked like a mad man, the vein on his forehead was so close to pop out because of the tension.

"I got the impression you don't really want me to answer that..." she whispered behind the glass right before taking a few tips and he called her name out sternly, "Alright alright," she surrendered rising her free hand, "I mean... Do you think I should?"

"Definitely!" he pleaded exhausted by the antics of those two idiots he had choose as friends, "Please, put me out of this misery and go for it! I'll pay all the cost of the honeymoon if you want, but please just fucking tell him!" 

"A good payed honeymoon doesn't sound bad, after all..." she feigned interested in being persuaded like that, "It's just that... For real, do you think I can, Hajime?"

The humour left completely the banter to change in a heart-felt conversation. She stood up on her feet and looked up at him with so much honesty and fear and care in her eyes that he switched his mood to match hers immediately. 

"What scares you?" he genuinely asked, "Is it the distance?"

"No it's not that... Or at least I think it's something I could manage but..." she sighed and lowered her gaze into the glass of water still filled, "What I fear is that he would say yes, but then after some time that would just turn in a kinda of gatekeeping thing and he would end hating me for all of that," she spoke the darkest part of her heart, "I swear, Hajime, if the risk would only be a break up, I could deal with the pain of its aftermath... I'm so fucking used to love people who has left me behind," she smiled sadly while running a digit around the rim of the glass, "But if he ends up hating me? I don't think I could bear that idea." 

Another tear run down her cheeks and Iwaizumi's heart clenched at the thought that this time it wasn't caused by a laugh... 

He called her name softly to meet again her eyes, "Listen, I really think you should tell him all of this, you need to feel your emotions! Especially the good ones, because you're always so careful with the bad ones that you tend to forget those sometimes," he put a comforting hand on her shoulder, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but he loves you so much that I think he fear the same about you."

"Okay," she murmured.

"You deserve to be happy and loved, both of you do," he reassured her.

"Okay," she repeated, "Thanks Hajime," she found a little bit of courage about what to do, "We might be the ones to pay you a honeymoon..."

"Yeah, I fucking deserve that after all of these years with you two dumbasses in love!!" he laughed openly and she followed him shyly, "Now let's go inside, it's starting to get cool," he side-hugged her to lead her back to the living room before she could remember to not have completely smoked her fallen cigarette.

[mayasdeluca]

ACA, Hi how are you doing?

So…. I saw the main Maya Carina and Carina clips of the episode:

Just a couple o quick things:

That Beckett dude is doing so many illegal things I’m not sure how he’s still working, I understand this is a TV Show but the writers are becoming (already were) illogical and the show really doesn’t make any sense at all in terms of Firehouse/firefighters and such, not that GA makes much more sense lol, but it’s like they have given the show to kids that just finished school and they are there only cause their parent put them there cause they don’t care if they ruin the show lol.

They are getting so many dangerous behavior wrong and kinda acceptable in the sake of drama, that is becoming very toxic for the audience too imo, it’s like someone in the WR has a kink to make women suffer especially minorities.l and there’s never accountability.

Not only is illegal to make anyone work those crazy amount of hours but even more so if is a job where they use dangerous equipment and deal with dangerous situations, and doing so without a break could be dangerous not only for a firefighter but for people around them, it’s also super unrealistic that nobody noticed, Federal firefighters are employees of the US Government and have even more rigid laws and control especially for hours of work, so weird the fact that there was no red flag up high, at least to the chief, it’s fucking bullshit (pardon my language but this is getting ridiculous)

Plus what Beckett is doing is mental and physical abuse (pushing a person to work so much to exhaustion, the bucket and so on), abuse of power and retaliation, things that if you bring it up to HR, they pretty much get fired on the spot (there are proofs like the fake blood bucket and the logged hours of work) but even more.

Danielle was amazing, but I think Stef is still trying to balance her new acting skills with her old self especially while talking, it’s like she’s more concentrated at time on how she talks than on how she acts, cause some scene seems off and forced, like when Maya is coming out of the shower, I think irony and fake laugh is not Stefania forte, but I also think the directing is not that great!m, if they can’t see this. I still think she’s amazing but for her acting it’s a period of transition and you can tell.

I kinda liked the callbacks they did with Maya storyline and her father abuse and realizing what she’s doing and how it’s affecting her and her marriage, I would have written it a bit differently but subtlety and organic writing is something S19 writes are not able to do…so I’ll get what I can and thank god for Danielle talent.

Don’t let me start with Jack or Sullivan they are a waste of storyline…

Last thing: it’s clear they are making everybody look bad, shitty, incompetent and over the top nasty, and making Andy the super emphatic nice understanding strong intelligent one, just to push her in likability as a character and as future captain, it seems very forced and sudden like “someone” requested cough cough for it, again no subtlety at all, just pure basic boring predictable writing…smh

Anyway that’s it.

Happy Halloween, I’m gonna get dressed as my cat

Hi ACA! Besides having a swollen arm from my booster shot I'm good lol I hope you're good too!

Yeah it's definitely ridiculous how much Beckett has been able to get away with at this point. I know they are trying to drag out the drama but at this point either Maya would try to transfer, flat out quit, report him to HR or something. There's no reason anyone would stay and deal with this kind of torture for like 6 months. And for no one else to step in either. The oversight by Beckett of him not realizing she worked 5 shifts in a row was just...ridiculous but he's also made ridiculous decisions while on calls (when he was drinking mostly though) and still got away with it so I just don't understand what the writer's plan is long term. Is he going to be held accountable or what? He shouldn't need Theo to tell him about Maya but I guess they are doing it that way for a reason.

I agree with you about Stefania in that scene, it definitely felt off and wasn't executed the best, though the writing wasn't my favorite either. I don't know why they chose to have Carina laugh at Maya in that spot in the first place even if it could be considered a realistic reaction and Carina just reacting to the fact that they've barely seen each other or spoken and that Maya was avoiding her and all that. I wasn't a big fan of that scene at all besides them bumping into each other at the beginning.

Yes everything with Maya and the comparisons to what she dealt with with her dad is heartbreaking but Danielle is doing an amazing job with it all and I'm curious to see where they take it and what's going to happen in the last two episodes before it's on hiatus again.

Super predictable and forced for them to make Andy the hero is basically every situation but it was obvious they were ready to put her front and center again once she was back from Station 23 and joined the team again. I don't know why they force things that don't need to be forced when there are better options but these writers make questionable decisions all the time so here we are!

Happy Halloween! That's adorable haha...I'm not a big Halloween fan so I'm not taking part in it!

[bondsmagii]

I saw a meme on tumblr and it instantly made me think of you.

it was the "'oh how cute its a sheep' and I looked on in horror as its neck stretched farther and farther until I realized the abomination before me was actually an alpaca... the stretch between eldritch horror and nature is a very thin line"

but like. that's the thing about nature. maybe some of the things that we don't necessarily comprehend are still very real and very valid. personal experiences of the supernatural are incredibly valid, and its because the spectrum of nature is a pot of water, stretching from our views of "normal" (cold) and "holy fuck what is that shit?" (hot) and humans who have never had to worry about these experiences at some point or another hear the stories of those that have, and decide "this is too out of normalcy for my taste, I'm accusing it of fake"

and then there's those people that are aware of the reality behind the supernatural. they have seen it and understand, "wow. the world is so crazy, and that's what makes it so great" and are able to submerge themselves in the heat and embrace it, without hurting when the water gets hot.

and there's those, that haven't experienced it, but know in their heart. I kind of identify with the third group of people. I never experienced the strange. but when I walk down my highway at night, and I see the deer in the woods. A part of me wonders, "Is that actually a deer?"

god, yeah. a huge part of how I interact with the world is the knowledge that it's fucking wild and there's so much out there that we don't understand. I really don't get how so many people can be so closed-minded about so many things -- everything from the paranormal, to how other people experience reality, etc. it doesn't even have to be a big thing, either. I've noticed that a lot of people seem to take for granted the fact that everyone sees the world in the same way they do, and that if they don't personally experience something, nobody can -- and anyone saying they do is lying for whatever reason. for example, I have a few posts going around about dreams I've had, and in one of them, the dream involved reading. so many people were rude to me in the notes because "you can't read in dreams!! this is fake!!" like... I've been able to read fluently in my dreams for my whole life. I can read books in dreams. the words all stay the same. I can quite literally read in my dreams, and while this isn't common, it is not impossible either. plenty of people can. it probably has something to do with the fact that I read 4 hours a day, so for my brain it is not difficult to imagine. but because a lot of people can't do it, they assume nobody can. it's the same with pretty much everything.

it seems silly to say that "everyone experiences life differently" is a controversial take, but it's become abundantly clear to me over the years that it is. it seems that nobody can wrap their head around this fact, and increasingly often, I see emphasis put on things like the "universal" human condition or experience, and just... there's no such thing. I've had a lot of time to come to terms with this because for my whole life I've been experiencing the apparently impossible, and even the way I exist is apparently impossible to some (the way I perceive reality, certain things about my identity, etc). I've also always been in the extreme minority with a lot of things, and lacked the need for things that people claim is essential to humanity, and just... man. it's exhausting how concerned people are about potentially faking things. it's really self-absorbed. like, why would I fake huge aspects of my own life that I don't even share because it's private, just to lie to you? it makes no fucking sense.

[jimimn]

The thing I don't understand about solos who actively hate on the other members is how they do it? Bts has been together for 10 years now (counting from Jimin joining) and these people have seen them grow up together. They have seen them goofing around with each other, love and support each other, comfort each other etc. So how tf do you come to the conclusion after 10 years of content that they obviously hate each other and everything they do is forced by the company and actually they all want to go solo ASAP. Like with other groups (and mostly western groups) I could understand the uneasy feeling that maybe they don't like each other that much or that some members would rather continue as solo artists but bts has repeatedly shown us the love they have for each other on and off (official) camera. They were seen together in their private time many times and they obviously joke around a lot when they film something. So where does this "obvious hate" comes from? Why are they always trying to twist the members' words or put words into their mouths and when someone calls out a type of behaviour or asks us to trust them and believe them, they completely ignore that and blame everything on the company. Isn't it fucking exhausting to continue to hate on someone you don't even personally know? 1/2

your second ask and my reply are under the cut!

2/2 I could understand disliking a member and that's totally fine if you have normal reasons for it. I'm not talking about dragging said member because that's still just plain hate. We can't like everyone and that's okay IF we do it in a healthy?? way I guess? I hope you know what I'm trying to say here 😅 but not only to hate on other members but to try to make it seem like your fav is also hating them?? That's so weird. I know we joke a lot about knowing the tannies and being their friends and all but there is a line. We don't know them personally. We only know a very small portion of their lives and personalities. We only know what they choose to show us. And it really bothers me that some people act like they are so higher than everyone else and can speak for the boys when in reality I bet 90% of these people didn't even see them in person.

I'm sorry for dumping all my thoughts on you, I have been working on getting through this phase of me caring about what random solos on the Internet think about the boys.. I just don't understand how they can watch 10 years of content, see 10 years of growth and support and still come to the conclusion that it's all fake.. Nobody can fake anything for 10 years..especially not love. At some point they will develop real feelings... And I'm not saying that the tannies are faking their love please don't misunderstand!

Anyway I hope you will have a nice day, happy hobi comeback and again I'm sorry for the long rant! Sending you lots of love from far away!

I'm sorry i took so long to answer this! i just didn't get enough time to write a proper answer. I agree with you i have never understood the logic behind hating on the other members if you love just one member. I'm sorry but i don't even get the logic behind loving just one member and not getting pulled towards the other six as well. Having a favourite member is one thing and loving JUST one of them (and not caring about the others) is another. I really don't get the logic behind it. These seven boys are so closely knitted together. How do you love one when the life of the one you love is so deeply attached with the other six? they've grown up together lived together they've seen the all the ups and downs together as seven as a whole so how do you separate just one from them and love just that particular one? how is that even possible? 😭 even as a new army this was such a big question in my head that how is it even possible for someone to not love all seven of them 😭 and THEN to go as far as to hate on the others and call them names or whatever and say that they hate each other? are you kidding me? do you even actually love your fave member? i don't think you do because if you did then you would've believed all the thousand times that your fave said that they loved the other members. EVEN TODAY hobi said that he really wanted all seven of them there as they are the most important to him 😭😭😭😭😭 the solo stan delusion is real i really dont know which world they live in 😭😭😭 even if the members DO want to go solo, that does not mean they hate each other???? this is such a horrible stereotype from western groups lmao they keep fucking applying it on bangtan too. Hobi went solo first and look how the members were there for him every step of the way from the release of more to the full album release 😭 hobi went to namjoon first to make him listen to the album "AS HE ALWAYS DOES" LIKE?????? HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE HOW MUCH THEY LOVE EACH OTHER????? they spend time with each other even off camera. just the other day namjoon said he was gonna see jimin for drinks that night 🥺 now they wouldnt do that if they hated each other right? 

and idk but i don't get the "disliking a member" part either because idk it's just not possible in my head.. okay this might sound .. idk .. weird but i don't think I've seen anything dislikable about them. Sure people make mistakes and no one is perfect but i don't think that a good enough reason to dislike any particular member exists. Because if the dislike is there then that is bound to somehow turn into hate which eventually leads to dragging the member like you said.

And you're right. We don't know them completely we only see what they choose to show us. And like Jimin said in the festa dinner, I'm gonna take their words as is, always. I'm gonna always trust them on what they say and show us without twisting their words about ANYTHING. Solos calling themselves "fans" of a particular member after basically calling them fake and a liar will never not be funny to me. They're not fans they're just people living in delusion who have got nothing better to do with their lives rather than spread hate. And it's okay. Don't be sorry 🥺 If you feel lighter after sharing your thoughts about this with me, then I'm happy you did 🥺 And honestly, please try to ignore any kind of negativity that you see on whatever platform that you regularly use. Curate your dashboard according to yourself, block people who you think are making this fandom experience a negative and stressful one for you. Weed out the negativity please 🥺 And I didn't misunderstand you anywhere please don't worry 💞 I hope you didn’t misunderstand me either. I always try to be careful while answering asks like these because I feel like I’m not good with framing my words properly so people might misunderstand. So I really hope you didn’t.

I hope you have/had a good day too!!!! happy hobi comeback day 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💞💞💞💞 don't be sorry!!!!! sending you loads of love right back anon take care 💞💞💞

[doctorguilty]

Bbbbb

For what it's worth I'm definitely feel unhappy and concerned about the current application of ai art in like industry and how the prognosis looking in regards to to, but it's absolutely impossible to have any kind of meaningful or productive conversation about it because the social media populace at large has still not moved past the most bottom shit tier arguments, namely a) "it doesn't count as art because art is made by humans and art has meaning and soul" (as if the philosophical definition of "art" isn't one of the most subjective things in the entire world, but more importantly, this is a 100% irrelevant point) and b) "making ai art is stealing other peoples art" (it's not, and "stealing" is just a really nonapplicable word when talking about visual art and derivative work at large), and these points keep coming from echo chambers made up almost entirely of people who actually will see close to no consequences of exploitation of ai generation, because they aren't working in any professional industry (they're just convinced ai will undercut their independent commission revenue or whatever) or, even worse, people who don't do any digital art whatsoever but are just parroting "support human artists" talk

I said this from THE BEGINNING that ultimately, the debates about what constitutes "real" art and everyone's collective lack of understanding about fair use and deviantart circa 2007 mindset that referencing a pose too closely = stealing are all utterly irrelevant points to the entities with the power to exploit the tools and cut back on their staff and produce more and more quick, cheap, low quality material for a profit. Companies like Disney, for example, don't give a shit about art having enough "human soul", they don't give a shit about whether or not copying artstyles or scraping data is "stealing" because they can do literally whatever they want with their impenetrable legal team (and they most definitely have no moral hangups about it)

But everyone is so latched onto their hyper individualistic mindset about art, all the discourse that should have been dedicated to the bigger picture is instead constantly funneled into "protecting" themselves (from the threat of other independent artists online allegedly looking to "steal" from them) and attacking anyone who so much as fucks around with some silly prompts in dall-e or anyone who's trying to like, direct the conversation away from the useless vitriol that will harm absolutely nobody who holds any power to exploit the medium, and instead making us just like, crabs in a bucket, you know?

It's been, what, a year now? And no amount of raging about it online has stopped companies from publicly flaunting how much ai they are using, so clearly it's not even a PR issue, which should give all the picture necessary that the points people are angry about don't matter. And that makes everyone MORE angry, but instead of like, considering WHY the discussion isn't going anywhere as it is and conceding that the answer to "what is art? 🤔" is "who give a shit", everyone's turned it into a black and white moral issue about the perceived correct answers, and if you're not on board with them you're saying "no I hate art and I hate all artists I hope they die" it's exhausting. That's why I kinda gave up talking about it because I feel the debate is kinda lost, not because I think I'm incorrect, but because it doesn't seem like we're budging from those irrelevant arguments (and complete misinformation I didn't address that but my god there's so much misinformation being passed around as fact) and there's nothing I can really do about it except watch it all go up in flames