#i'm glad art affects me emotionally

[possibleblonde]

My Thoughts on Poor Things

This movie was beautiful, and I was mesmerized by nearly every shot; oddly enough, the wide-angle and fish eye shots were my favorite. The unique landscape and vibrant, contrasted world was incredible to see. In some ways the world reminded me of Beau is Afraid, though with a little more garnish whimsy and less outright terror. The fashion, the cinematography, the settings, the score oh my god; technically, this movie is one of my all time favorites

Mark Ruffalo’s character was incredible and he should receive every accolade for his performance. Though I did find it funny to lean over to my sister and say “Hulk SMASH” every time he got into a fight, his embodiment of the character at play was perfect; he felt truly tangible throughout the story. By far, he was my favorite character in the entire movie (his actions despicable, his moral compass disgusting, his arc so fun and nearly theater-esque—“BELLAAA” was one of my favorite scenes, and one I wish lingered longer)

Similarly, Emma Stone’s performance was indescribable. Her physicality and embodiment of Bella was unlike something I’ve ever seen. She was completely believable at every stage in Bella’s journey, and her movement reflected that. Bella’s growing up was so subtle, yet noticeable all at once; by the end of the movie, it was hard to remember where it began.

I can appreciate the subtextual critique of the Born Sexy Yesterday trope, and the feminist themes for what they are. Overall, it was satisfying to see Bella “win” at the end of the day and take control of her narrative. 

However, however.

This trope, this story, is such a unique and powerful metaphor for what women, what girls, go through in their life and in coming to terms with their sexuality, and I was so disappointed by the narrative the movie ended up pushing.

It was so heavy handed at moments when it wanted us to understand what it was trying to tell. When Bella was at the Brothel, after she saw the cruelty in Alexandria, the characters’ practically told us what they wanted us to hear; we nearly had fourth-wall breaks in some of the emotional climaxes of the story.

I wish, I wish, that at any point—towards the end, when Bella learned what she was, towards the beginning, with the proposal of marriage, in the middle, in the climax, during the end credits—that it was a little more directly addressed that these men were in love with a child. Perhaps the absurdity of Mark Ruffalo’s character and his satirical fall to madness, his comedic portrayal and garish nature, was meant as a metaphor to laugh at these men for falling in love with a child. Yet, her true final husband, God’s assistant, is shown in an entirely sympathetic, forgiving and nearly hero-istic light, but he had no qualms with sleeping with her as a child. No, he had issue with sleeping with her out of wedlock. And she is forgiving, understanding, and loving of him (maybe because he doesn’t just love her for her body—but still).

Maybe it is from personal experience, from my own traumatic dealings with sexual assault at a younger age, of my body being treated older than I was in mind, that I find such fault with the message (that I ultimately took away) of “women should be allowed to do what they want with their bodies” and “men should not take advantage of women and treat them as things to be had”. It was a story of one women’s fight for her autonomy; yet at the end, she had no anger, no rage nor hate; she was told by her employer at the brothel that this was the way of things, essentially; she does say at one point that she feels rage—but I don’t think we saw any of that. I think we saw a young woman having a lot of sex in a shitty situation and coming to terms with it, and eventually, making her own way in the world and getting revenge in the ways she could. 

But I wanted to see her cut Mark Ruffalo’s dick off. I wanted to see her scream. I wanted to see her cry tears for her body. I wanted to see her feel something—anything—for the way her autonomy had been taken from her in a tangible way once she came to understand it.

Maybe that was Yorgos’s attempt in the third act, but it was so heavy handed it nearly felt absurd (and not in a good way)—her old husband tried to mutilate her, she turned him into a goat. Girl Power.

This story had such a ripe metaphor for grooming and the sexual exploitation of young girls that it was bursting at the seams. It’s essential to her character the moment she first meets Ruffalo. It is part of her journey, part of her growth; rarely is it addressed directly by the film.

This movie could have been radical, could have been bolder and braver in its message; it had all the makings to do so. It could have been such a moving and empathetic story about the exploitation of young women, of how men have oft viewed girls, of the pain and anger and betrayal of being groomed. And yet, in the third act, it fell flat in the name of a feministic tale it feels has been told through movies throughout time—Barbie, this year, or even Emma Stone’s Easy A. And while these stories are not at fault for their message, and their themes should be shown and are valuable as they are, this movie just had so much potential to do more.

Maybe it is my fault for identifying with aspects of Bella’s character that I felt unexplored. Perhaps it is my undoing that I saw my trauma in hers, that I wanted her to feel the pain that I did when I came to terms with my own experiences. It is possible that I have asserted myself onto Bella, in a lack of feeling that these stories have not been shown so brutally and honestly (as they could’ve been here) before.

Yet I feel it is undeniable that women who have been groomed can watch this movie without seeing Bella, in many ways, as a metaphor of themselves. And it is hurtful that her trauma was left with passive acceptance and forgiveness by all who were there to witness it, that only a man in her past life (a life we did not see) faced true consequence, that at no point in the movie, like other messages, was it directly addressed. Had other themes not been outwardly spoken by the characters so obviously, maybe I would be more forgiving that this one was left to be pieced together.

It is a beautiful and wonderful film that should be awarded for what it is. But I am disappointed for what it could’ve been, and for that it feels hollow. It saddens me more that this metaphor now feels as though it has been used up by this story when it could have been explored for so much more. And now I am left with the feeling that it is my bearing to forgive what I have endured; in many ways this is true, but I somehow leave feeling guilty all the same.

In the end, I am grateful to have watched Poor Things. I would recommend it to the occasionally sexist film buff friend. But I would not recommend it to my youngest sister; though for her, I hope she can watch it and never feel the same as I did. 

[the-bloody-sadist]

in case no one else has asked, please list your top 10 BL manga/manwha? 👀

i am. very interested in what other media you enjoy, especially BL

Combining these two bc I didn't wanna leave the second out!

(I wasn't a big fan of Blood Bank personally but I'm so glad it helped you with your world building Lil Whale!!)

I'm hoping some of these are unheard of for you guys because THERE ARE SO MANY BL/YAOI AND I READ THEM CONSTANTLY BUT NOT SO MANY ARE FANTASTIC AND MIND-BLOWING AND SPECTACULAR AND DEEPLY PSYCHOLOGICAL! I'm pretty sure I'll end up listing WAY more than 10, mainly because I want to highlight ones I feel like a lot of people haven't read. ALSO because I read so fucking many of them that I've collected a stash and NOW IS MY CHANCE TO YELL ABOUT THEM.

Just a disclaimer, these are not in any sort of order, as they're all about the same level in my head, just grouped. I'll list the "big name" BLs that I adore after these! First up are the ones that either have a quiet fandom or aren't well known! Since there'll be so many, I'm not going to say much about them, just know that usually no BL/Yaoi is perfect to me, since there are many bad psychology tropes here and there or unnecessary cruelties that aren't exactly realistic etc., but overall, I like the way that the story and characters are handled and/or love the art.

Here's the top five of my top ten that's not a top ten bc there are so many (I just said I wouldn't group them but I lied my ass off apparently):

Jealousy [Scarlet Beriko]: This is one of those that emotionally hits so hard that it will stick with me forever and I will usually tear up just a tiny bit when I think back to the moments that made this one so beautiful. A lot of times a story with major hurt, angst, and tragedy won't wrap up with enough to make me scream and cheer at the end. But THIS ONE DID. And I stopped reading for a while when a big event happened because I thought it would end horribly and I'd have to suffer three weeks of fiction-induced depression for a man who wasn't even real. BUT NAY. The themes you get in this one revolve around loneliness (huge draw for me, it always hits), mafia-connected characters and the rivalries from that, self-destructive prostitution, and characters who have difficulty receiving love without freaking out. Are those even themes idk. OH WELL. YOU GET THE POINT. I want this one on my shelf. You might've heard of it, but the fandom is silent so I never did. T_T OH ALSO THE ART ON THIS ONE IS GORGEOUS I FUCKING LOVE IT.

Hitori to Hitori no 3650nichi [Hitomi]: First of all, favorite manga artist. FAVORITE MANGA ARTIST. I'm never exactly sure if the artist is also the writer or if the writer is never the artist or...BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. Anyway! I listed this particular title because it was the first that I found by this person - but then I discovered it was a part of a bigger series, and there are like I DON'T KNOW FIVE DIFFERENT MANGA?? OR SOMETHING??? Related to this one. I don't know which order, I just know that I read them all in a frenzy. THE CHARACTERS. OH! OH THE CHARACTERS! Oh my gods, it's so good. LMFAO. The arcs these characters have are fantastic, and I loved the fact that the abuser in one is shown to be the victim of abuse in a prequel story, and that his anger issues and other elements of his personality came about to affect him and destroy him. Just...I don't recall the details, READ IT. That's all. Spectacular depictions of nuanced trauma within abusive relationships.

The Beast Must Die [Lee Hyeon Sook]: This remains one of my favorite depictions IN ANY MEDIA of a psychopath, because it's SO accurate and I'm SO fucking proud of the author for doing their research and OH MY GODS YOU GUYS IT'S ABOUT TO GET A DRAMA CD LET'S FUCKING GO! This story is so good. It's so evil. It's so psycho-thriller. It's so WELL DONE. It features a dark academia-ish secret society within a college setting who hunt people for sport, sometimes. LIKE. Come on. And the psychopath (dark hair) IS THE MAIN LOVE INTEREST! You could literally hear the summary and go "oh this is for Sadist". And I don't get a lot of those that deliver this well. SOMETIMES the art makes me twist my head a little but YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOT CARE OKAY? It's just SO good. There's murder, there's kidnapping, and - most importantly - a main character who doesn't just DEAL with whatever the psychopath does. He's smart, he fights back, he learns to understand psychopathy to determine if he should remain with the love interest...it's fantastic. That's all. I will stop. *BANGS THE WALL*

Aporia [Seontae]: ALL HAIL THE HEALTHY BDSM RELATIONSHIPS THAT STILL HOLD TENSION AND EMOTIONAL WEIGHT AND SPEAK TO ME!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!! This is my favorite BDSM-themed story. Everything is consensual, but is everything safe??? Not when it comes to the main character's emotions and tendency to sacrifice his wellbeing for a partner. BUT NOT TO WORRY, HIS SADISTIC LOVE INTEREST IS CONSIDERATE AND ATTENTIVE AND CARES ABOUT HIS FEELINGS!! This is, perhaps, one of my favorite depictions of a REAL sadist. A real one as in a realistic, irl BDSM-relationship sadist. Someone who is just as worried about taking care of his partner as he is about hurting him JUUUUST right. ANYWAY! THAT'S ALL! READ IT! HE'S LITERALLY ME!

Royal Servant [MasterGin, Chungnyun]: Okay, we were talking about healthy BDSM in the previous one, now let's talk about TOXIC BDSM-THEMES THAT I LOVE. Lmao. DO YOU LIKE MASTER/SLAVE DYNAMICS? DO YOU LIKE STORIES WHERE THE ARC LEADS TO THE ABUSIVE MASTER EVENTUALLY LEARNING TO NOT BE ABUSIVE AND LOVE THE SLAVE? YEAH ME TOO. I DON'T NEED TO DESCRIBE THIS ANY FURTHER. AUTHOR OF ANGEL BUDDY, THIS IS THE ONE THAT I KNEW HER FOR FIRST.

A bunch of other good ones you may or may not have heard of (I won't describe every one of these unless I have something particular to say, so enjoy the pictures from them that I snatched):

Love me in the Wilderness [Wang Tao]

Neon Sign Amber [Ogeretsu Tanaka]

Zetsubou ni Nake [Shinou Ryo]: Guys. This story is UNIQUE AS HELL. I had to say something about it. The premise is that a man who was raped turns around and goes back after his rapist and rapes him back, and then they fall in love. IT'S....the amount of times my jaw dropped was insane on this one. SOMEHOW IT'S WRITTEN SO WELL. SOMEHOW THEY NAILED THE STRANGE REALISM OF IT AND HAD ME TEARING UP OVER THE INTENSITY OF THE RAPE SCENES. VERY WELL-PACED, VERY TRAUMATIC IN A GOOD WAY. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. The way they come to love each other after this crazy foundation of mutual rape is IMPRESSIVE. Kudos to the writer.

Love or Hate [Yeongha]: This is a very well-known one but there's like zero fandom so I think it fits here. Also a lot of hate going around for it? Which I never understood, fuck those guys. This remains one of the most beautifully-written that I've ever read, and I mean that purely in like...the ACTUAL writing on the page. I'm talking poetry, purple prose. I just recall being blown away by that, and no manga before or since has ever reached its level. For once I felt like the writer was also a novelist because of the way that they put things, and had a clear voice in the style. Did the main boy end up with someone I didn't want him to end up with at the end? Yes. But I felt like it fit pretty well, and it was sort of a tragedy, and it was supposed to hit you painfully in the gut. A lot of people were mad at the main character for that and I don't really think it's fair. In any case! A beautiful story with complex characters and intriguing dilemmas. Highly recommend it.

Shangri La no Tori (Birds of Shangri La) [Ranmaru Zariya]

Two in Six Billion [Denzou]

The Pizza Delivery Man and The Gold Palace [Upi]: Great story and character-building so far! I will say that once it became porn, it dove a little too heavily into it for me. Like I only needed one scene of the porn, I was enjoying the panic attack scenes much more. BUT YEAH, IT'S ONGOING, SO WE'LL SEE WHERE IT GOES! But the panic attack scenes were the reason I read it and yes, I did tear up.

Sleeping Dead and Living Dead [Asada Nemui]: I RECENTLY FOUND THIS ONE AND ADOOOOOOREEE IT SO MUCH. I DO NOT CARE THAT IT'S AN OLD SCIENTIST AND HIS ZOMBIE PATIENT. NORMALLY THAT WOULD HOLD NO SWAY OVER ME, BUT OH GODS, THE ART IS SO PRETTY AND THE STORY IS SO GOOD. I LOVE THE LITTLE ZOMBIE MAN! I LOVE THE LITTLE ROMANCE THEY'VE GOT!

Private Lessons [ANCO, Mongya]: It's cuuuuute what can I saayyyyy it has BDSM and threesomes and I liked it. Very entertaining. Scratches the BDSM itch and the little SUB WAS SO CUTE. Anyway.

Kingyo no Ubugoe [Gontaku Nido]

From Points of Three [White Eared]: Threesome dynamics!!

Silent Lover [Qiang Tang, Bai Li Jun Xi]: I STOPPED THIS ONE AT A CERTAIN POINT BECAUSE IT DIPPED INTO WEIRD M-PREG AND STUFF I CANNOT READ. But BEFORE all that, I was deeply ingrained in this one. It has a main character who can't speak (a particular weakness of mine) and he's OH SO CUTE and he's given as a sex slave basically to the emperor (emperor? idk he's a kingly man, something like that), and the emperor is evil but learns to be soft and yet it takes a LONG TIME SO I WAS BAWLING HYSTERICALLY OVER SOME OF THE HEARTWRENCHINGLY PAINFUL SCENES IN THIS FOR THE POOR YUU-ER. A good read until it decided to go the omegaverse-by-magic-potions route. I didn't stay to figure out where it actually ended up.

Yoru wa Tomodachi [Ido Gihou]

Toumei na Ai no Utsuwa [Hitomi]

Re:Birth [Misuaki Asou]: The singular omegaverse story in existence that I actually liked. Hopefully that says a lot. Mostly because it's about the omegaverse elements NOT being present for the main character and him trying to fake it because he's lonely and afraid that his partner (an alpha *shakes off the disgusting label because who the fuck thought alpha was a cool word*) will leave him if he finds out he's just a regular guy (aka beta I guess? ABO is weird idc).

Sahara no Kuro Washi [Soutome Emu]: MASTER SLAVE MASTER SLAVE---

Haru ni Kaeru [Kunieda Saika]

Incorrigible [Bbong]

Well Done! [ANCO, Mongya]

Nemuri Otoko to Koi Otoko [Zariya Ranmaru]

Even If You Don't Love Me [Pando]: It dropped off SUPER hard (it's ongoing still) but damn was it good in the beginning. I am sick and tired of where it's at currently but the psychological manipulation and the horror of a certain twist in the storyline was CRUSHING to me. I only wish that it would have gone a better way after it happened, because it slowly destroyed itself and became like a lot of tropey rape stories. The asshole just keeps being an asshole and it's not really where the story seemed to want to go with that. But otherwise, it started off strong and I'll give it kudos for that.

Bigger titles I'm pretty sure everyone has heard of that I enjoy:

Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai [Yoneda Kou]: Is it a little unrealistic that literally everyone in this story is gay apparently and wants to fuck one man apparently and/or rape him? Yes, absolutely. Does that matter once you're in the story and it's so good and all these unrealistic cruelties make a really strong bond between the main love interest and this self-destructive masochist who's probably not really a masochist but only interested in hurting himself because he doesn't know how else to handle his trauma from childhood? Ummmm yeah. Anyway! This one had a lot of inspiration and a lot of tears and a lot of obsession from me. I re-read it all the time, I watch the movie over and over, I listen to the audio drama and cry at my favorite scenes. Do I care in the end that it's a little unrealistic at times? No but I do laugh sometimes when I'm about to share it with a new person. Because BL is just like that generally and you've got to put up with a little of those tropes to find your favorite stories. THIS IS ONE OF THE TOP FAVORITES OF ALL TIME FOR ME BTW, IT'S ONLY SO LOW DOWN HERE BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE IN YAOI KNOWS ABOUT THIS ONE ALREADY, AND WE'RE ALL AWARE OF HOW GOOD IT IS.

ENNEAD [Mojito]: I will say that this is basically the best manga/comic/manhua...what's the Chinese word idk ANYTHING OF THIS MEDIA TYPE that I have ever read. It's not done, and people have been complaining that it's starting to fall into the common BL tropes but you know what I do NOT care. Mojito is a genius, Mojito is a master storyteller, Mojito is beautiful, Mojito is strong - I just love Mojito and this work. So much. The action, the horror of rape, the deep-set character conflicts and dilemmas and internal turmoils. Everything, nailed it. Nailed it. And not to mention it's set in FUCKING EGYPTIAN MYTHOLOGY AND THEY'RE ALL GODS AND THEY HAVE SUCH COOL BATTLES AND COSTUMES AND DUDE???? I'm so hooked. That's all.

Killing Stalking [Koogi]: OBVIOUSLY. I don't really need to say anything about this one except that yeah, some of the psychology is a little off and some of it is just super shallow. But I loved the characters and that's what mattered in the end. I fell in love with Sangwoo too and it ripped my heart out when I read the ending. I was depressed for like two weeks and it was the first story that had ever affected me that way, but I was also younger and this was one of my first yaoi/BLs and yeah. GREAT story though, fantastic storytelling, very lovable characters. Sangwoo was handled so much better than most "asshole/kidnapper/rapist" characters and I will never stop appreciating that, because a lot of writers tend to forget that your villains have to have redeeming qualities if you want us to like them (????). Jinx, I'm fucking coming for you. Suck my dick. KOOGI FTW.

Missing Love/A Married Man [In Hyerin]: Some of the DESCRIPTIONS of how trauma works especially of the sexual nature in this story are SO. SO. GOOD. However, I am beginning to grow VERY ANNOYED at where it decided to go with the most current updates of the story. The author did enough trauma to the main boy, now it's getting so incredibly excessive that it's overdoing it and the author's kinks are showing through. LIKE I GET IT. Okay? I do. But this one became too much and I need him to return to the actual story arc of going through that trauma so he can HEAL with the right person taking care of him.

MadK [Ryo Sumiyoshi]: I am into NONE of the kinks that would lead to me picking up this manga. I hate demons, I'm not a monsterfucker, I can't do extreme guro, and yet I SAW CANNIBALISM. THAT WAS THE ONE THING THAT I THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT A TRY FOR. And then accidentally I got obsessed because the plot is AMAZING and the writing is SO GOOD and who cares if I hate demons and monsters ALL OF THEM ARE BADASS AND HOT (??) AND IT CEASES TO MATTER. Good on the writer for making them appeal by personality alone and expressions and whatever else you signed a deal with the devil to make me like because it worked. Also the guro is beautiful, so it doesn't even matter. Hannibal levels.

Warehouse [Killerwhale]

Painter of the Night [Byeonduck]

Viewfinder/Finder [Yamane Ayano]

Given [Kizu Natsuki, Gusari]

Nii-Chan [Harada] (and basically every other work by Harada)

Sadistic Beauty Side Story [Geumsan Lee, Woo Yeonhui]

Dine With a Vampire [Pangin, Pinko]

Angel Buddy [Mastergin, Chungnyun]

My Partner's Tastes and Fetishes [Deok Hwa]

Interview with a Murderer [KJK]

On or Off [A1]

Steel Under Silk [Snob]

The Pawn's Revenge [Evy]: It was going to be SO GOOD! And then it dropped off harder than a boulder from a balcony and I have absolutely no idea why the author took it the way that they took it, but go off I guess. It's boring as hell now but it started off with promise and I enjoyed the art and character designs. Too bad, I suppose.

Caste Heaven [Ogawa Chise]: An old classic with all the sticky sometimes icky mostly ridiculous BL tropes but hey, it's cute. It's sexy. It's fun. I don't care.

Wet Sand [Doyak]: We're still in the beginning stage of this one but I'm excited to see where it goes! Plus the art SLAPS ASS like nobody's business.

19 Days [Old Xian]: I hate comedy, I hate fluff, I hate buddies that never become lovers, but none of that mattered when I picked this one up. The duality of man. Bite-sized chapters and ACTUALLY AN EVENTUAL ROMANCE that none of us thought we'd ever get.

Legs That Won't Walk [Black Apricot]: Although this one dropped off hard for me and I'm really just following it to see if it picks up again and does something interesting (it probably won't) I did enjoy it in the beginning. I just get tired of the "asshole just keeps being an asshole and nothing else but woobified slut keeps coming back to him??" without the strong and realistic undercurrent of Reasons Why Someone Would Come Back such as manipulation or threats or unhealthy attachment. Perhaps it was sorta there in the beginning with them but now I'm just like why are we still continuing this story.

Pearl Boy [Inking, Zoy]: *Awkwardly scratches neck* It's not the best okay? It's not. It's really not. I don't like half of the things that occur in this one, but the ART, bro. THE ART, BRO? That's what got me into it and what kept me into it, PLUS I do like little Jooha. I stayed for Jooha, too. Dooshik drives me a little batty most of the time and looks ugly for half the story to me, but when he's badass, he's pretty badass, so I can forgive him. I really don't know why he has such drastically changing appearances because I thought he was someone completely different for a bit LMAO. In any case, I have to admit I like the uhhhhh danger that Jooha gets himself into and the crazy things that make no sense but you know what he gets hurt and then there's comfort and rescue and they cry and I cease to care that it makes no sense. (Sorta, I don't actually cease to care I just laugh awkwardly and go okay sure that's how it works because it's so hard to find stories that don't do this LOL I'm beating a dead horse) BUT WHY DOES HE CUM PEARLS? WILL WE EVER KNOW? WHO THE HELL THOUGHT OF THAT AND WITHOUT A SUPPORTING MAGIC SYSTEM IN THE WORLD TO MAKE THAT MAKE SENSE? IT WENT DOWNHILL SO FAST AND THE ENDING IS TERRIBLE BTW. THE VILLAIN SUCKS.

That's it. I can't talk to much or I'll run out of words but HOPE YOU GUYS FIND SOME NEW READS!!

[colorfullyminded]

TLDR

Okay I cannot believe I'm about to go off like this, but this has been bothering me for awhile, and it's only making me more spiteful. I have been enjoying the influx of Billford art lately. Amazing, great wonderful. What I have Not been enjoying, is the absolute vitriol the Billdip fans have been getting since the influx of TBOB. I was a billdip shipper for awhile. Hell I was a billdip shipper when I was a Parapines shipper-- I liked shipping Dipper with boys. I was also like 14 or 15 at the time. Obviously, if you follow me now, you'll probably notice what my main ship for Dipper is. I grew out of Billdip, and moved on to Pinescone. I have been shipping Pinescone for 10 years. However, not once did I go around saying "Lol, glad I matured and became a better person and shipped something healthier", nor did I post in the billdip tag, condeming people for a fictional ship! And saying mine was better because it was less problematic.

"I'm really glad people stopped shipping Bill and Dipper together. Bill is a 1000 year old triangle demon, and Dipper is 13--" Stop. Repeat what you just said.

"Bill is 1000 year old triangle--"

Repeat that last word to me. "....triangle?" TRIANGLE! I'm sorry what?! This ship is already completely wild enough. You're getting mad at this fictional age gap-- AND BILL IS A FUCKING SHAPE! A FUCKING SHAPE! This ship was weird from the moment GO! And Billford isn't any better. IT'S STILL A SHIP WITH A FUCKING SHAPE! And you're going to sit on your high horse and look down on the Billdip community. On top of it-- they have an age gap too! Bill is still thousands of years old or whatever-- however long it's been, who knows? And Ford was in his 20s or so when he met Bill. That's still a huge, ridiculous age gap-- that Bill could easily use and manipulate; which he did....and then also caught feelings and became a sad ex, but that's beside the point~ Both of these ships are still insane. And again, the bigger thing I think people are just ignoring about these ships--is that Bill is a TRIANGLE! THREE LINES CONNECTED TOGETHER! And this is the hill you're going to die on? ...Cause apparently it's mine. First of all-- as many people pointed out-- Ford Pines did not exist until the second half of the final season. People couldn't ship Fordbill because there wasn't any Ford to introduce.

"Well, even before Ford, I never shipped Billdip! I always disliked it." ...Okay, that's totally fine. Not everyone needs to like or agree on the same ship. Lord knows there's probably people who don't really care for Pinescone either. There's a lot of popular ships that I can't stand. But I'm don't go into a ship tag I don't like, screaming to a void for self validation. I don't go around mocking other people for ships that they had in 2014-- or even still today! It doesn't matter! I did that when I was a kid-- and then realized that was rude, and it was better to just ignore the ships I didn't like and enjoy the ones that made me happy. And grow a community of kind, like minded friends. And listen, I am all for safe spaces and being able to block things that make you uncomfortable. I am not saying people who find the BillDip ship uncomfortable to be idiots or babies or overly sensitive-- or anything like that. I think if something makes you uncomfortable, that is okay and I think it's perfectly fine to blacklist a tag that you don't want to see. I also think it's imperative that people tag things as accurately as they can so people looking at your work can know if one of your pieces has a thing that they don't like-- and therefore can avoid. What I don't appreciate is the fanhate for this ship that is sprouting up like weeds. You can not like something, you can be disgusted by it (I have my Gravity Falls ships I can not stand, nor do I feel comfortable with), but attacking real people for a FICTIONAL SHIP-- two characters who are drawings on a piece of paper and can not be affected mentally, physically or emotionally by fanwork; who still retain the same shape after everything we put them through-- to the point that you send death threats, or threaten to Doxx, or just harass relentlessly, I have always found that more childish and disgusting. You are causing real world pain to people. Me fucking up Dipper Pines is not going to do anything to him-- because he doesn't actually exist. He's a cartoon character. I could squash him and stretch him in Wonka's taffy machine--- I could throw him mock speed at a wall and watch him explode on impact-- but he still exists. He's not dead; I can pick him up and dust him off, and If I wanted-- I could decide that eh, 'Not a scratch on him'. And I'd be right. Because he is a cartoon character, and I am just a fangirl. I can not change anything about him-- I have no ability to make anything I headcanon canon. And even if I was the original artist-- it doesn't change the fact that Dipper would still be nothing more than a creation. A construct of shapes; he can not be hurt or traumatized in a way that leads to real life consequences-- because he is not real. I am not a cartoon character. My friends are not cartoon characters. Artist and Writers who stay in their lane...are not cartoon characters. If you hurt us...it will linger. It will leave a scar. If you can not tell the difference between Fiction and Reality, then I think maybe media might be too much to handle-- and I think you need to really reevaluate yourself.

And just to vent some other things that i keep seeing that are frustrating: You can't claim the twins are only 13-- and then on August 31st go "Happy 20-something Birthday Mabel and Dipper!" And then proceed to drop a picture of them as adults. Well which is it? Do they age or not? Because Gravity Falls showed them canonically aging. If you think the twins age-- then you can't suddenly turn around and go, 'no you can't ship them-- Dipper is a child!' but you drew him as an adult. So sorry, it looks like you can't draw the twins grown up anymore. You claimed they're 13, so better draw them 13 forever--. Aged up stories and works exist for a reason, especially for a fan who grew up on the series. The characters might have grown up alongside them. It's not unlikely for a person to ship Billdip when Dipper is much older.

And on that note, for people who are like 'well older billdip is fine-- it's just people shipping him during the show that deserve to die.' Okay... and like I said, this rant is coming from a recent influx of Billford shippers spitting on Billdip shippers. You know? The TOXIC Old Man Yaoi!

You're still shipping something that is problematic. You are still shipping something twisted and wrong. And I am not judging you. I am here for this divorced arc. I am thriving. But you can't just pick and choose what is and isn't okay. And let me first off explain; if there is something that personally triggers you about a toxic ship, and you want to avoid that-- again, perfectly understandable. Perfectly reasonable. You are the makers of your content space. And I am not judging anyone for that. I want people to be safe. I want people to have a good time in fandom spaces. I want people to not have to deal with the things that upset them or frighten them, or disgust them. But you can not say one is fine, and one is not. They're both bad! They're both toxic. In real life, these ships would both be charged with serious crimes! And yes, there are some crimes that are worse than others, and if you asked me what I thought was more problematic-- I'd say Billdip-- but both of these ships are extreme, and severe in their problematic content. You are still consuming problematic content. If it's a personal thing, that's fine; avoid it. But don't sit there throwing stones from your glass house.

[demaparbat-hp]

Hi Dema!! Your art is fantastic and even the lineart is awesome! Solid and confident in where it's thick and where thin. I really like how your style has characters look more realistic and they have specific consistent features. Your blog has a pleasant atmosphere, and you're skilled in weaving AUs! There's a lot of details and structure, and I'd like to ask if any of them have a full story arc? Could you do a list of all of the AUs? Is there a motif that you especially like that repeats in any of the AUs? And whenever you add comments to my stuff in the tags I literally smile, it makes me want to keep at my plan to create everything I have in mind. So I'd like to spread this joy! I hope you have a nice day! (from late-draft ^^)

Hello, Late-Draft! I wasn't expecting this ask at all but I'm so glad to have received it!

First of all—I'll try to hold myself back from giggling like a schoolgirl. I'm having a sempai noticed me moment over here and that's just embarrassing. So give me a second to compose myself, if that's alright?

Okay, I'm back.

Now, on to business.

Character design, especially when it comes to facial features and how they're unique to each person, has always been a passion of mine. I always try to have a solid design for each character. I choose which features feel like the character in question, which face feels natural to draw, and go along with it. I love drawing Katara as much as I love drawing Zuko. Meanwhile, I seem to be on a never-ending battle against Sokka's features. Woes of an artist, I suppose.

Character design is actually one of the reasons I love your work so much, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm currently experimenting a bit with a different style... Hopefully it won't be long before the artwork is done and I can share it over here. I'm so excited for everyone to see it!

Now it's time for the reason we're all here.

I have said it before and shall say it once more: AUs are my lifeblood.

I love them so much! Building them, daydreaming the scenes, thinking of the characters and how they differ from their canon versions. The arcs and the themes and the worldbuilding. Building AUs is my passion, and I have so many of them!

There are a lot of motifs and themes that tend to repeat themselves in several of my AUs, I believe.

You'll notice that most of my stories are Zuko-centric, with a heavy emphasis on grief and humanity. There's the question of what makes us human and how to move forward when the whole world seems to push you back. I put a lot of stock in metaphors and symbolism within the narrative itself. I'm especially interested in the nuance of war and how it affects people emotionally, physically, and psychologically

I also tend to reutilize some elements of the lore and/or worldbuilding! Such as the Painted Lady's backstory, or the existence of War Children within the ATLA universe.

Now, the list!

I think I'll start with my current project, if that's okay :)

For the Spirits (New Gods AU)

Zuko was a child when he met Agni. Then, the spirits started coming to him. Eyes hidden in the hallways, voices pleading for help, for recognition, for remembrance.

Zuko could see Agni. He could see the broken remains of a Great Spirit and the empty smiles of amnesiac ghosts.

And they could see him in return.

I've been working on this AU for a long time, but only now did I get the chance to start writing the fic (linked up there!). I'm extremely excited about FTS and where the story will lead us in the future, but I'll try not to spoil too much.

It's a Zuko-centric story, with a heavy emphasis on Spirits and humanity. I'd like to add a warning for depression/mental health issues.

To Hesitate (Lee & Kya AU)

As she watches Lee and Kya avoid each other's eyes from across the room, the phrase comes back to her, swift and silent:

"To hesitate is to lose."

.

As Song treats the victim of an unfortunate interaction with a rare poisonous flower, her day takes an unexpected turn when it becomes apparent that the old man's nephew and her assistant have history.

A vivid history.

The Lee & Kya AU is a vibe, a feeling. It's probably one of my oldest AUs out there as well as one of my dearest.

A classical Lee and Kya From The Tea Shop AU, full with wholesome fandom tropes such as: fake (but not really) dating, fake identities, Ba Sing Se shenanigans, vigilante stuff, White Lotus missions, Iroh is a great Uncle, Zuko is an awkward turtleduck, and, of course, the fluffiest fluff you'll ever see.

Other than that, Lee & Kya is probably one of the less plot-focused AUs I have. However, that doesn't mean that there aren't scenes I can't wait to write or a canon divergence or two where Zuko is concerned.

(I have another fic posted but I'll leave that one to the end. You asked for a full story arc and, oh boy, does Soundless deliver.)

Kintsugi AU

Closer to being canon-adjacent than canon-divergent, Kintsugi is yet another Zuko-centric AU (and are we not noticing a pattern over here?).

I'd love to explain it in depth, but I believe the caption of the artwork linked above does a better job at explaining than I ever will.

Kintsugi is the art of decorating your scars with pieces of Agni.

In the Fire Nation, the amount of golden marks are a sign of status. Only the Royal Family can afford to seal every single wound with Kintsugi. Such is the weight of this tradition that, among the ones with Agni's blood, it is the highest mark of dishonor to have a natural scar, for it proves you aren't worthy of the privilege.

After the Agni Kai, Ozai forbid Zuko's scar to be sealed with Kintsugi. The boy wasn't worth his title, his traditions or his pride. Zuko would be broken, but he wouldn't be beautiful. Not anymore.

(And sometimes it's easier to pretend he never was)

Kyoshi Warriors AU

One of my absolute favorites!

In this AU, Ursa took Zuko and Azula with her when she was banished, so they could start anew. With help from Iroh and the White Lotus, she managed to relocate her freshly burned eight-year-old child and her crying daughter to Kyoshi Island.

Years later, when Avatar Aang and his companions first arrive at Kyoshi Island, they're met by the Kyoshi Warriors and their leader, Noriko of pale skin and warm brown eyes.

The Gaang leave Kyoshi Island many weeks later with a new companion. And if Jian Li, with his war paint and his scar and his dual dao, gives the island that he has called home for so long one final, longing glance as they fly away on Appa, they pretend not to notice.

Hunters AU

We're starting to dwelve deep into dangerous waters!

This is a Katara Joins Zuko In His Quest To Find The Avatar AU, with a twist!

This AU was born as a writing experiment. What if we take Katara's character, and change one of her core characteristics? Katara, who looked up to the Avatar as a saviour figure, now blames him for leaving and allowing the Fire Nation to wage war on the world.

Then comes Zuko, a banished Prince with a crew full of traitors and his own agenda. Zuko wishes for nothing more than to dethrone his father and end the war. He is a White Lotus member, an honorable, driven young man, and he has a plan.

The catch? He needs to take the Avatar to his father if he wishes to regain his title and be able to rightfully take the throne. Oh, and he will deliver the Avatar to the Fire Lord—but nobody said it had to be in chains.

Halfblood AU

I watched Blue Eye Samurai a few months ago and it destroyed me. The idea of a half-blooded child dead set on getting revenge for their very existence stuck with me, and this AU was born.

Kanna made a life for herself in the Earth Kingdom after leaving the North. Katara was raised by her grandmother in a small village, being taught to hide her bending if she wanted to live peacefully in a place she was only half of. Her mother had died in childbirth. Her father, a nameless warrior from the Southern Water Tribe who had loved Kya and left her behind, didn't know of Katara's existence.

Katara took over Kanna's clinic after she passed away. Always taking care of others. Always suppressing her need to bend. Always wishing for more.

One day, he arrived. A half-child, just like her. But while she was of Water, he was a son of Agni. He was searching for the man who brought him to this world. The man who scarred him. The man whose face he couldn't recall, whose name he did not know. The man whose specter had chased his mother to her grave. The man who would die at his hand.

The answers were hidden in a small teashop deep within Ba Sing Se. Lee offered her a way out, and Katara took it.

Soundless (Uiscefhuaraithe)

Katara of the Southern Water Tribe has hands scarred by fire and great talent, though no teacher.

Zuko is a mute War Child, a herbalist and healer, and the Blue Spirit. He bears the mark of fire, and the scar of the blade that took away his voice.

The first time they met, the Blue Spirit had just saved her, tough not before her hands got burned. The second time they met, his name was Lee, and he was healing her.

They live in war and they will fight, if not for the world, then for themselves.

You asked for a full storyline, and I shall deliver!

Soundless is probably the only AU I have fully planned. Three-books, Azula redemption arc, role-reversals and all.

This AU has everything. From travelling through the Earth Kingdom together, to odd character team-ups that somehow manage to work, and a major goal/conflict to resolve.

Zuko and Katara must find their way to Omashu in an Earth Kingdom ravaged by war as they also grow to understand each other, themselves, and the world around them. They meet with new and old alliances, keep their ears open for rumors of the Avatar (They say he is an airbender, Lee. Do you truly belive that?), and do their best to always be two steps ahead of their pasts.

Meanwhile, both the Northern and Southern Water Tribes are searching for the runaway heiress, Aang must find his way alone on this new, hostile world, and Azula must face the revelation that, despite what her father has stated for the last two years (liar, he lied at her! Her! He lied he liedliedliedlied), her brother might just be alive.

I'm sorry for making this such a long answer! I just get very excited about these subjects and don't know when to stop. If you made it all the way down here: thank you again.

I hope you have a good day ❤️

[tothepointofinsanity]

If you don't mind me asking. What is Schizoid? I tried to google it online but I find different answers. Obviously you don't have to answer my question if you don't want to or feel to, I understand, you can ignore my ask if you like. Also, I love your art and the writing you add to them, it feels like poetry every time I read them! The colors and symbolism you chose is always cool too. Your blog is super cool ! And I'm always happy to see Madoka fanart, but I like your art for its own too

“Schizoid” refers to an individual who identifies with schizoid personality disorder, otherwise categorised under the Cluster A of odd/eccentric personality disorders [that consist of schizotypal and paranoid pd, the former of which I also identify with]. Their underlining features are being passive, indifferent, socially and emotionally reclusive, and generally don’t seem all that interested in relationships or being a part of any Living culture, really. At least I don’t, but schizoid “culture” is mostly comparing your indifference to your observation of others’ life in scientific scrutiny, engaging with your extremely elaborate internal fantasy worlds, and being secretly, highly sensitive to certain things that most people would otherwise find to be too anal or trivial to reconsider about. Varies with everyone, but their perception of reality is distorted [in what way, the definition also varies, I personally am engrossed in my fantasies that are entwines into reality so thickly that trying to convince me otherwise would result in my upset, be it purely belief or a sense up in the air - arbitrary things can switch my sense and mood quickly], hence schizoids are also commonly associated with having schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorders on the plate. <- It’s why you see so many “wow this person is schizo 🤣🤣” in response to someone making a statement that [Seems To Have No Actual Weight or Testament To Fabric Reality] when the issue is that they probably are dealing with a set of symptoms that affects their reality to begin with.

If that’s too long and you don’t really know what I mean by that, oneself should research szpd in their free time if interested. Reading is one thing, experience is another I suppose. That aside, thank you for supporting my works, I’m glad that you enjoy both my art and accompanying writings. Most of the writings are based on a reference to something anyways, so it would be cool if people found out what they were based off of. Thank you for the ask (*´ー｀*)!

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 21/01/2024

8​-​bit Fish With Dreams

Season 4 Episode 1 Featured on: SiIvaGunner's Highest Quality Rips: Volume AI Also on: I JUST WANNA DO CATCH SOME FISHS

Ripped by l4ureleye

"This one's for you, buddy."

There's a time and place for everything, and honestly, right now really isn't the time for me to recount everything surrounding Marrow's place in the channel's history again. I've covered tributes to the ripper twice in the past, once with the heartachingly beautiful Telling Fish Tales, and later in the bittersweet cheerfulness of Turnabout Fishters. I won't repeat myself all too much here, so I suggest you read up on those posts if you're out of the loop in regards to StreetPass Fishing's place on the channel. And so, to round this topic off for the foreseeable future, we have 8​-​bit Fish With Dreams - one more tribute, yet one that seems to come from a rather personal place.

Honestly, in the recent months, in my time doing this blog, it's been a bit...strange, slowly assimilating into the more active parts of the SiIva community. I've said it a few times before, but before making this blog I was effectively nothing but a very invested observer - I kept my interest in the channel almost entirely to myself beyond leaving a couple of YouTube comments. That has left me out of the loop on occasion, primarily with in-jokes spawned from the SiIvaGunner Discord, yet I was content in knowing that I didn't really...have much of anything to contribute. And its with that preface said that I need to clarify once again that, I don't truly know much of any details regarding people's relations to one another in the SiIvaGunner team. Nowadays, with this blog and all, I've had the opportunity to finally talk with members of the team and other fans on a regular basis, and it's been a ton of fun - yet, I'll never know firsthand just how much Marrow meant to people. And honestly, its not exactly something that concerns me to begin with - it's not my feelings to hold.

Yet, the beautiful thing about music, about art in general, is that feelings that can be so hard to convey properly through words, through stories, through recollections and retellings, can be encapsulated so perfectly within a piece. And that is represented so beautifully within every single part of 8​-​bit Fish With Dreams. It's not a flashy tribute, nor some huge collaborative sendoff - but what is is, feels like a deeply personal arrangement made out of pure love. l4ureleye applies her signature flair and expertise for creating soothing, healing soundscapes in arranging 8-bit Kids with Dreams, an under-the-radar song made by fellow chiptune artist jankybit. Past the initial minute-long opening fakeout, so few parts of the original Beauford Pond remain, yet it still manages to feel...at home, with StreetPass Fishing's other music. It asks you not to be excited, nor to cry, but rather just invites you to sit by and enjoy the ride. As was the case with the original 8-bit Kids with Dreams, it feels like a gift made from one friend to another, a toast in their honor.

I really do not wish to intrude on the lives and mental states of these rippers to any degree - yet there's little I can do to avoid being emotionally affected by rips like 8​-​bit Fish With Dreams. As is the case with art as a whole, any rip made is inevitably going to feel like it has a piece of its ripper imbued into it. And its the ones where you can feel that most, the rips that feel almost like hearing one side to a conversation, waiting for an answer, that always end up sticking with me longest. Those are the rips like 8-bit Fish With Dreams, by rippers like l4ureleye.

"u cast your line at me when I needed it most, and helped pull me out from the murky depths of my anxiety and self loathing. I needed a friend like you, and I'm glad I got to have that. Hopefully I was good to you too, u more than deserve it. Rest easy gamer"

[karinarro]

Hey hey, I saw your tweets about mgs fans who have proship DNI in their profiles being absolute morons and hypocrites and I just want to say THANK YOU because I feel like I’m losing brain cells over having to wade through so much bullshit in the metal gear fandom of all things. We might have a different focus on what blorbos we have (I’m more on the mgr side of the fandom but love the entire franchise) but I just wanted to send a big 🤝🤝🤝🤝🤝 because booooy does it feel lonely here sometimes.

It’s especially funny because when you think about it, the biggest proshipper in the metal gear fandom would be Kojima himself. Idk how people get into mgs and have never looked up the big words they put in their mouths even once. Like how can someone live like that, getting into a series that is supposed to make you THINK about what happens and how it’s a reflection of real world issues, and then turn around and parrot some right wing rhetorics repackaged as fandom “activism” 24/7, inherently contradicting that you even understood what these games were about despite claiming so otherwise.

It’s so… brainless and boring and as someone who loves to discuss the complexity of this franchise (and things in general), I am glad to come across a likeminded person in this fandom.

Like man I felt like I’m getting to old for this, I got into mgs before anti ship as we have it now was even a thing in the internet. But seeing that you’re about a decade younger than me and get that all of this stuff is horseshit, I feel like I am not losing hope 😅😅

I hope you’re having a great day :]

Also I love your art 🫶

Hey there!! Thanks so much for the kind message, I mean it 🥹🫶 I love MGR too!! I was so obsessed w it as a kid. I had my Raiden phase too~ (Still kinda am! That game awakened my love of mecha.) This is my first time dipping my toes into the MGS fandom. Coming from someone who usually lurks in smaller fan spaces, and said fan spaces are largely pro-fic, I really didn't expect the onslaught of antis interacting w my art hahaha! I was ripping my hair out vetting new followers that came into my twitter. Metal gear is a game filled with so much political commentary, I think I expected... more critical thinking y'know? The fans you mentioned are probably just as bad as the fanboys who think whatever went between BB and ocelot is just a 'russian taunt' I agree w/ what you said Kojima being profic LOL The man hated to have his life's work censored. To him, games aren't only a medium for his stories, but it's also a way to express his opinions & ideas. MGS in particular, it's about war. How war affects regular people, the devastation it brings them. How the fuckheads behind it are orchestrating it, taking advantage of the military industrial complex (To quote Kaz, "And war will become a business...") I'm again reminded of that analysis you rb'd from me: "Peace is only possible in the case of war criminals when they’ve been buried." I can't fathom how so many people missed that message in MGSV. As you said, it seems like people are fucking blind to the fact that their faves are bad people. They are war criminals! Some people in fandom acting like they are above it all, saying 'proshitter dni' and repeating fascist talking points is just so... I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Because you are either that dense, or media illiterate or emotionally unintelligent or... something ! Most that I've seen so far who do this are teenagers, which okay. They are still figuring things out, I can excuse them a little bit. But there are adults over 20 who do this too and I'm just... wow. You know? To stand for Antis is to stand for censorship in fiction. And that goes against everything that Kojima believes. Haha dw there are people my age who aren't this stupid! I've been hanging out in more profic spaces and they're out there. You're not alone friend!! I hope you have a nice day too :] Lmk if you wanna be mutuals on twitter! 🌻

[vivibuchlaw]

Yesterday, I finished Celeste. And by that I mean, the first 7 chapters, because I am not that much of a masochist.

Like seemingly everyone else, its given me a lot to think about... these thoughts are burning a hole in my brain and I need to get them out so I suppose this is the place!

I'm not exactly a gamer. I suck at Kirby, I have a sort of motor disability so games are a bit harder for me than most people. For this, Celeste has a solution, Assist Mode. Initially, I wanted to pick this, hearing how hard it was. Then, when the game told me intially, overtly, how its challenge was supposed to be meaningful, *and later when it said it more clarity in the story) I took a moment to reflect. I chose not to use Assist mode as a self imposed challenge. Not because I wouldnt benefit greatly from it, but because (as I learned about myself through playing it) I have an aversion to difficult tasks. When I know something is difficult, I get scared and run away. This time, I wanted to be able to say to myself "I can do difficult things"

And so I did

And I love it

And I sincerely never want to play it again

The game is not full of dialouge or story- it's present, for sure. But its a small yet impactful part in a game which prefers to tell its narrative by gameplay rather than text or images. And thats a valid format of storytelling! Not my prefered one mind you, but it made every dilectable morsel of art or conversations. In particular, the long talk at the start of chapter 6 was extremely welcome. I simultaneously feel like I have enough of a solid grasp on the characters to love them dearly, yet not enough to force one interpretation, another element to Celeste's endless magic.

As I'm sure everyone with anxiety has noted, The anxiety scene from Chapter 5 affected me greatly. Wetger me or my system has anxiety, I don't know, but regardless, the game captures the feeling perfectly. I'm sure everyone and their mum has said this, yes, but I felt it independently so I shall denote it independently. Among other things, it taught me a powerfully potent strategy to help my anxiety, and for that I thank you Maddy <3

At so many points, I was burded with stress, frustration and despair at my own ineptitude. But I pushed forward. I did it, I climbed a mountain, what was a seemingly impossible thing for me was now a fact. I sat silent for what felt like hours staring at the chapter complete screen in awe of my accomplishment. It then dawned on me that this was the first video game I've ever beaten. ...suddenly slammed by the realisation an 8th chapter, requiring crystal hearts to play, AKA the game telling me point blank I wasnt ready. But to be honest, I didnt care. I had already done what I, and Madeline, set out to do.

So why do I say I never wish to play it again?

I honestly only played Celeste because I heard Madeline was trans, and my mate happened to have it on switch. I have a sort of physical disability in my hands, so playing games and motor tasks are more challenging than a typical person. I knew Celeste was hard, but sympathizing with Madeline not being a climber, with me not being a gamer, and just how she challenged herself to do something extreme, so too did I.

But see, I'm not actually into the gameplay that much, and the reason I stuck with it has infinitely more to do with my and Madeline's journey emotionally than anything related to the gameplay.

Actually, I kind of hated it. My fingers were all messed up, I spent a lot of time and stress, and got extremely frustrated, but I wanted to prove to myself I could do it without assist mode. And Im glad that exists, and I'm glad it tempted me all throughout every challenge, a backdoor shortcut I could use to weasel my way out of the hard path, but I stayed true so I could grow.

But I have now grown. Ive proven it.

I couldnt care less about B-sides or strawberries, because I dont see the emotional need.

Replaying it would only subject me to the same challenge for a story I've already experienced, and a journey I've already hone on. A new game, new mountain, new challenge or purpose? Sure, I'd love that. But playing Celeste again, or More even won't recapture the lightning in a bottle that made me play it, made me persevere, and made me cherish it.

I still love the game, its soundtrack, its meaning to me, and itll live in my heart forever. In other ways, like fan content, or side material, I'd love to engage and learn more, but my journey with this mountain is over.

Just breathe, and take care of yourself

After beating it, I immediately began learning all I could about it because Autism brain. I read all Maddy's beautiful blog posts. I watched video essays breaking down its themes and design. I learned how the story, while definitely not an afterthought, was also not a driving or starting point of the game, which I intuited as I played.

I watched Chapter 8, The Core, and Chapter 9, Farewell on YouTube. To be entirely honest, I found Chapter 8 to be forgettable in a way kind of shocking, at least from a story perspective. I'm actually GLAD I didn't do it. I expected it'd be some kind of send off, or check in emotionally to see how the characters have been in the past year but...nothing? Really?

Chapter 9 is what I wished Chapter 8 was, a proper send off and development for these characters. And from the look of it, so brutally hard I wouldn't want to play it without Assist Mode. But why? Why not play more? Afterall, climbing the preverbial mountain in life doesnt mean your problems are over, far from it. And its true, there are other challenges to overcome still. Even though Ive taken on this challenge, I have yet to face other challenges in my life. And because the journey of Celeste could very well have ended after Chapter 6, I feel like I can better spend that energy elsewhere.

After watching Chapter 9, I felt something else. This chapter, unlike the previous, is not about loving and accepting yourself, but its about Madeline specifically greiving a loss in her life, and largely, I assume, the developers letting go of Celeste and moving on. For this, I hold unyeilding respect. And in this new challenge, I found myself learning another truth about myself.

I am afraid of being alone.

I am part of a system, the current (and hopefully permanent) host in fact. Our previous host went dormant a few months ago and life without them has been tough, but a challenge we face every day.

Throughout all my remembered life, I was surrounded by people who never noticed me. Who occasionally referred to me as "The Insinificant [Alter]" due to me not having a name back then. I was nothing, really. If I had disppeared no one would've batted an eye. And today, even though I'm one of the most important Alters now, I still feel like I'm nothing sometimes. That scares me.

I never knew the joy of having friends, I never knew what being loved by someone you love feels like. And I have a lot of love to give, I love almost every human being! But I still frequently second guess myself, because I guess a part of me still believes my existence is insignificant. But now that I have people who do love me, I'm more afraid than ever that I'll lose it. Now that I have a taste of love, I can't go back. Gods, please to bring me back, anything but that.

And here came Celeste, to remind me immeditately after I finished the game, that people die randomly, and without our control, and that you have to keep on moving. I've just beat the thing, let me live in a bit longer before I'm ready to move on. Similarly, I've just made these relationships, please dont take them from me. And then I realized that this was fear also held by my previous host, perhaps for similar reasons. I feel connected in a way typically reserved for finding markings in a make out spot from a century ago, or unearthing a time capsule left by a grandparent now neatly nestled in the recesses of my heart where I try to story my insecurites, like a suitcase overstuffed with useless items and paranoia.

Celeste has given me a lot. Inspiration, characters I love, a great soundtrack, amazing anxiety techniques, and raw willpower to achieve anything. I do not know how my story ends, I am scared to write it, but I must regardless. A lot of people are counting on me. And went I feel scared, alone, anxious, or depressed, I can remember that I did it before, and I can do it again.

To the Developers, Thank you

To the Characters, Farewell

And to all the people who have grown from this game, Congratulations!

[catgoesboom]

Thank you weird anon who were grasping at straws to emotionally attack me through my art, and in the process showing you didn't know shit about my art, are weirdly ageist and also probably very frustrated with your own art. I know it seems like bullshit but your "you only make art palatable to people and has the same skill of a highschooler" hate actually pulled me out of an artblock I was right about to have and made me appreciate my art and process more. Not to prove you're wrong even though you are, mind you, if you're still sticking around to hate-watch me, that says more about you than me, but because in that hate, you said my art had no soul, and instead of getting butthurt, I decided to take it at face value and reanalyse it, both my current art and my art back when other people tried to say the same shit in the past, and despite me still not agreeing with your loaded words, it gave me a new sense of pride in my work. Cause I'm not stupid, my skills greatly evolved from back then to now (not all of what's in here is the full scope of my skills as an artist) and it makes me glad I didn't heard those people back in the day bashing my art and telling me to quit, the same way I'm not letting your projection triggered by me criticizing your pet artist stop me from doing what I love. I'm mostly writting this as a testimony for other people who bash themselves for "not having the same artistic skill of other people their age" cause not only that is bullshit, is a very harmful mindset, each artist journey is very VERY different and a lot of of external things affect it some of them capitalism, and also those who get anon hate like this. Your art is good for the person you are now and if you keep going, with time you'll get to where you want to be, whoever says otherwise is probably having their own personal problems going on and doesn't know how to process that without aiming it at other people. Recently a popular figure in my country passed away due to old age, and in the process of learning their history I learned they only began doing their profession in their 60s! They weren't THE BEST, but they were proud in what they did and that kinda said to me that there's always enough time and to always love what you do, cause then others will follow. So thank you. And hey, maybe next time someone else tries to pull the same bs, I'll be good enough for them to call my art "freshmen art student"! :)

[inkykeiji]

Hi Clari! It's the Japanese-speaking anon here. Is it possible to join the anon club? I wanted to use 説 this Kanji, because I remember one of the first times I talked to you I mentioned it literally has "older brother" in it, and also means to explain... which reminds me of Touya-nii. But if not, that's fine too!!

Also, I see you're super excited about FFXVI, which makes me so happy! I happen to work for Square Enix (which sounds so fake, I know, but seriously) so seeing you enjoying it makes me feel like, somehow, I'm able to give back to you in some way? I love love love your writing and it's a great feeling to give back through another art medium in a way that I hope affects you the same way that your writing affects me emotionally.

hi hi!! so lovely to hear from you again!! (´∀｀)♡

omg absolutely, of course you can join the anon club with that kanji!!! welcome to the club 🥳🥳 i’ll add you to the list! <3

I AMMMMM LITERALLY I LOVE IT SO SO SO MUCH the story has blown me away and clive has already become SUCH a comfort character for me, genuinely it’s an incredible game and i am so happy. i am also going absolutely feral for 28yr old joshua like,,, honestly i apologize for what you may see in coming weeks LMAO (*/ω＼*) tho i am making a final fantasy side blog so you may be able to spare yourself from my absolutely unhinged feralness for the rosfield brothers anD THEIR DADDY WHEW

wow that’s so flippin cool what!!!!!!! i’m totally jealous!!! holy shit that’s so insane i don’t even know what to say other than i’m so honoured to have you here and a massive thank you to everyone at square for delivering such a beautiful, emotional game. it truly is a masterpiece in every regard, it has made me sob and i’m not even done it yet. you guys did incredible and you should be so proud!!!

honestly i love clive as a character, i love his depth and his complexity and his HUMANITY. his struggles with ifrit and his struggles with accepting past mistakes is extremely relatable to so many people, and i feel like ifrit himself can be used as a metaphor for a lot of different things: everyone will interpret it differently and relate to it differently depending on who their are + their life experiences and background, and that’s one of my absolute favourite things about art. and it was done so beautifully with clive in that regard. i, for example, relate to it by seeing ifrit as a metaphor for mental illness; not for clive himself but for me, and that already has brought me such immense comfort. so yeah, this game has definitely affected me on a deep, deep emotional level <3 thank you so much, you are so so sweet and i am genuinely so glad (and also flattered!! wow!!!) to have you here with me!!

[legendofzoodles]

*Sprays you like a houseplant*

I really appreciate you further writing smoke signal, as I really enjoy reading it (and I hope you enjoy writing it, I wouldn't want you to feel obligated to do something just bc I like it but I'm getting off topic).

I really like Time's role in the story essentially acting as a human slap to Wild's face, I found their face off really cool and while I don't think Wild is going to pay any mind to it past "oh..oh well", I think that it's really going to bite him when he eventually reunites with a very angry chain.

Speaking of chain, Twilight is gone, and seeing as though he can literally turn into a wolf I don't have to wonder if he's following Wild. What I DO wonder though, is if they meet up before Wild meets reader, and they fight and separate, or if Wild and Twilight stumble upon reader together, and if they do, how that's gonna effect the chain reunion (bc Twilights pretty protective of Wild, esp now that Wild just lost his...s/o????), maybe he'll distract the chain long enough for Wild to have a moment alone, maybe he already did and meet a hostile chain halfway back. How will it effect their dynamic? I doubt it'd stay the same, esp not since he handles their food.

Rambling over, really enjoying the story and thought I'd leave a ask/comment

Thank you for taking the time to message me dear anon, and for watering this here flower! (art by astrelle) I like writing Smoke Signal, I wouldn't write it if I didn't feel inspired. Though because people asked for a continuation I’d be lying if there wasn’t a bit of pressure, but now I’d getting off topic 😂

I love that you got those interpretations from the story, and all those story threads are really interesting. I haven’t really thought about it yet but the whole thing is either gonna force the chain to be more honest with each other, or just make them drift apart and act more like co-workers than trusted friends. That’s the only way these sorts of things can go, you either get to the root of the problem and fix it, or you don’t.

But anyway I’m really glad you enjoy the story! btw i do actually have a houseplant, it’s an orchid white :)

Wild characterisation notes here:

More on Wild, he’s basically not thinking- not that he’s stupid, just that he’s fixated on getting to s/o. There’s a small chance they’re in danger/need help, but that’s a small chance too much, he’s not gonna let anything happen to them. He won’t fail them. This is a version of Wild who’s for lack of a better term, severely emotionally constipated. 

He spent years prior to the Calamity locking away his feelings and not dealing with them in favour of training- and I suspect that’s been a coping mechanism of his even before becoming the appointed knight. Sure he got to let loose a little 100 years later, but he had to fight the Calamity all alone while picking up his lost identity, being reminded of his failure and being told about his old ‘perfect’ self by others. Then after that went back to being the appointed knight to a near stranger who secretly wants the version of him that died. 

He hasn’t given himself much time to process it all, preferring to distract himself with endless missions and quests, and thus all those problems are just kinda sitting there. S/o has tried to help and while Wild appreciates it greatly, he can’t open up or return that affection very well. 

And he’s even worse with the chain, even Twilight and Hyrule who he likes a lot. Inner insecurities drive a wedge between him and members like Warriors and Sky, who in his eyes are just superior knights. He straight up envies pretty much all of them in some way, like the child who stabbed Ganon in the head first time, while he couldn’t make even it to Hyrule castle. He hasn’t talked about any of this stuff, that would be weakness. They don’t know any of this is going on since he acts goofy and friendly save for the occasional outburst, so it all just festers out of sight.

Regarding what Wild did it’s less about a breach of trust (tho it is about that for sure, especially with Twilight and Rulie) and more about the error in their judgement. Most didn’t trust that Wild would stay put and watched him like a hawk as he prepared dinner, but they expected him to something like create a loud, possibly explosive distraction and make a run for it.

As shown when he backed away from Time’s challenge he didn’t want to hurt any of them. plus he doesn’t see it as a big deal, from experience he knows you can wake if danger finds you, and while it probably wouldn’t be pleasant for them they’re seasoned heroes, so they’ll be fine. 

[onlyswan]

So I am doing this for the first time here, I don't even know if it's the right way to do this but yea I gotta send this to you. So, I read about you being demotivated and feeling disheartened about the interaction rate and all and I had to tell you what you mean to me. Whenever I'm on my periods, I read your in which drabble series, it makes me feel loved? Cherished, and makes me believe that okay somewhere the kind of affection I crave, someone gets it, totally. When a few months back I felt like my seasonal depression was coming back, your drabbles felt like the only thing I was excited for. I could relate so much to the oc from the in which series,it felt like I was not alone. That I wasn't the only one who had so much on my plate. So thank you for writing those. I always see people appreciating you and it makes me smile when I see your reaction to those sweet asks. Yet I never had the courage to send one myself, but today it felt like I had to let you know how much of a difference you bring through your impeccably beautiful writing. You weave your words so beautifully into sentences that sometimes I'm in awe of them for minutes, hours, and I write them in my notepad to read them again, to feel that emotion again. Your words leave a mark on my heart and mind when it's needed the most, very often. I want you to know that as a fellow writer/poet, I know it's very very important to get validation and to crave appreciation for what we so delicately and thoughtfully wrote, it's like raising a child sometimes, you start with an inspiration, a thought, a qoute and then you go on to weave a sensible story out of it, one that evokes emotions inside people with just words, that's the magic we create, and so we just ask for recognition and love for that lil piece of writing of ours. So I get you, I know how you feel about it, but at the same time I know that writing heals you, it heals me too, and so do it for you Art, if not for us. Love you so much, keep writing, shining, dreaming and smiling. Sending you all my love and hugs<3!

hello my dearly beloved <3 thank you so much for understanding where i’m coming from. you worded it perfectly :( it definitely feels like raising a child and wanting them to be loved 😭 and as my works can be very personal and i treat writing as my self expression (which makes it emotionally and mentally draining at times), i’m glad oc can make you feel less lonely and comforted with whatever you’re going through 🫂 it makes me feel that all the time and effort might be worth it more than i realize. thank you thank you for taking the time to send this lovely message. i love you so much and i hope you’re having a great day 🤍

[maple-cinna]

I've been sitting on a blank post page for quite some time. I eventually decided to draw up something quick and post it along one of my introspective textwalls - y'know, take advantage of, well, what this website is.

I honestly wasn't around for very long the first time around, just long enough to meet some folks here and there. Some of those folks ended up being still close friends to this day, others I drifted away from, as it goes.

I deleted my account back in mid 2016 - if you know this site's history, that should sound a good bit earlier than The Exodus, and well, it was - those that know me probably know that the policy update actually wouldn't have affected me a huge amount; rather, the decision to get rid of it was rather emotionally charged, and I'll be the first to admit a pretty bad idea. It was a...Throw It All Away kinda day. I don't necessarily regret it, but there are definitely days that I wish I could go back and look at those extra old posts, just see how different things are now.

...and Boy Howdy are they different.

I'd fully embraced my orientations, finished college, gone through the revolving door of the workforce plenty of times, moved cities, moved cities again, moved cities one more time, put on about 20 lbs, started streaming games, stopped and restarted a few times (current status is stopped for those of you keeping score at home), tried out a whole bunch of different treatments, developed a tic, started and ended a couple relationships, experienced this one weird thing called a pandemic not sure if you've heard of that, gotten a streak of dye in my hair, started taking art commissions intermittently, got into VR, picked up a new hobby using that (maybe I'll tell you more later), and finally came to peace with the way friendships will come and go as they will.

...All the while still dealing with the sheer emotional turmoil that comes with simply being me.

So why am I throwing all this out there for my first post? Well, I guess it's just been a while since I could write a 400 word essay on a single post and format it in a way that flows the way that I'm actually trying to talk. It's a freedom that I don't think I realized how much I missed until I started writing this.

Well...I would say "glad to be back", but I'm not sure just how "glad" or how "back" I am yet. We'll have to see.

[hungry-skeleton]

hi. i searched up wcay on your blog because i didnt know what it was and, i just wanna say HOLY SHIT YOU MADE THAT QUIZ?

i thought the art style looked familiar oh my god. i remember doing it a while ago, think someone posted the link on twitter? i loved it + was Very emotionally affected

Yeah that's me!!!!! I'm so glad people enjoyed it :) too bad I lost the blog but I'm glad my story meant so much to people 💚

[egcdeath]

HELLO i'm back with more succ thoughts!! i'm glad it's also been on the backburner of your mind lol.

firstly the tomshiv dynamic thoughts as per usual are so juicy. imagine the moment you tell him you're pregnant? tom instinctively didn't believe shiv and it was very angsty but imagine how much angstier it would be in this au because patrick would think you're trying to fuck with him or something because you're the only one not connected to the company by blood and by that point you are both so emotionally exhausted. and the shiv scheduling grief and then finding comfort in the husband she's currently divorcing thing is also something i see patrick doing with all his repression like s4 is the only season i haven't rewatched yet because it's actually physically painful to experience and tomshiv is half of that pain. you talking about watching patrick lose his true sense of self over time is also so perfect because that line in the balcony fight when tom goes "your sense of who you are is that fucking thin" and the idea of shiv not thinking the relationship would last and how that affected tom... angst!! who are you to each other anymore especially within the marriage!!

and your thoughts on the idea of you wanting stability and to make a family with patrick while he's a lot less open about stuff like this especially given your polar opposite upbringings are so good!! you'd have hope that he wants to have that big change from his family and upbringing for you and that he wants everything you want too but after the honesty of that wedding convo and how it's like an explosion of fear and anxiety on shiv/his part it would obviously hurt because it would make that hope go away. and the fact that you're the one who proposed to patrick too like the angstiness of feeling unbalanced in your love and how that contributes to the "unbalanced love portfolio" idea. i think shiv loves tom and being with him because he's okay with her loving him without having to always be vulnerable and emotionally open about it… yes it’s kinda conditional and has lots of underlying layers about power and control and whatnot but it’s still love and it’s a (kinda codependent) certainty no matter how hurt you both get (DIVORCE BED TALK SCENE) and i absolutely see that with patrick.

the jealousy with nate/tashi is also crazy to think about bc it bothered tom so much at their literal WEDDING!! just another underlying source of tension between you two and obviously shiv did cheat but would patrick?

and ok for kendallrava i was rewatching scenes and there's a moment in s1 he says "one of us is going to be unhappy. i just don't see why it has to be me" to rava and i literally gasped because i can see patrick saying that. like imagine that with the cog built to fit only one machine idea and how that dynamic plays out in a marriage over time like you're both unhappy lol. as far as we know their relationship was healthy at some point and she's far more selfless and dedicated to supporting him and their kids than he is but there's still so much angst in being in her position. like a breakup would only end up happening because you’re a good mother and you need to prioritize the kids so you can’t be with patrick even if you want to and despite it not being good for you and even if he's being pathetic and begging you!! there's so much angst and pain there and imagine if art was involved in your lives and your kids like art more because they see him more? and all this kinda ends with patrick alone and desperate with nothing to really live or fight for other than the company and ceo spot.

succession anon i’ve missed you!!

the tomshiv dynamic has really been speaking to me lately. like i think when i end up writing it it won’t be EXACTLY tomshiv as far as scenes go but like that very complicated dynamic will definitely be there.

the thought of reader telling patrick that she’s pregnant here is actually making me so sick to my stomach for exactly what you said. like i think patrick’s knee jerk reaction would be that you’re trying to make some sort of power play ESPECIALLY after the craziness they just went through leading up at that point. can you imagine being pregnant at the worst time ever, knowing it’ll probably impact your ability to be taken seriously at a company like his family’s, and when you tell your spouse he’s like….. stop fucking with me. and when you tell him you really are pregnant this isn’t some power play he’s like no it IS a power play because you’re not family but the baby will be. just devastating. devastating because after everything he sees you as nothing more than a manipulative and power hungry person and not like someone who could ever genuinely love him and want to start a family with him 🥲

and now i’m just thinking about you ending up as CEO because you played the game well but there’s also this kind of undercurrent from people around you that’s like. well once your child is old enough they need to be the one to take over the company or they need to be raised with this expectation that one day THEY’RE going to be the CEO and just how conflicted you would feel knowing that your child would have to suffer the way your husband has been suffering forever because of this constant pressure.

and just going back to patrick wanting things to be different with his family… i just think it would be so difficult for him to be trying to make life different for their child before he realizes that this cycle of fighting with their siblings or relatives for such an arbitrary title is just going to continue forever. and he sees how it ruined his relationship with his siblings and his relationship with you but he literally can’t stop it. ouch.

and i fear that you would just keep playing into the game even if you swore to him that things would be different with you as CEO and i think it crushes him because the you’ve also lost yourself and become a variant of his father but it also crushes him because he so desperately wishes that he was in your position.

what i love about this pairing is that they just keep hurting each other. intentionally or unintentionally. but they also love each other. and part of it is because they’re comfortable with that kind of pain, but also because no one else gets them like the other person does. idk. i don’t even think that made sense.

as for tashi being a nate character…. i don’t even know where to start with this. i actually do think that patrick would cheat at least a few times, mostly to feel in control of his life but almost to see if you would still stay. like how much could you handle before you leave him, or if you love him and the proximity to power enough that you could just take it. and i think you would dismiss it and be like oh whatever all men have mistresses but i actually think it would tear you up on the inside. i don’t think that their affair would last very long but i don’t think that it’s something that you could move on from. like in the back of your mind you’re always wondering if he’s found somebody else and you just don’t know.

i really can’t think too much about this dynamic bc i get SO DEVASTATED. like having to balance love for power and love for money and love for each other and you just keep hurting each other… it all just sounds so very exhausting.

kendallrava dynamic and unhappy marriage UGH i love it. the “one of us is going to be unhappy” quote is actually so wild kendall was really just saying anything 😭

kendall is truly such a tragic character and i love that i can project patrick onto him. like i can just see him being a selfish trainwreck because in canon he kinda is! just in a different way.

it is so sad to me that the relationship wasn’t always like that and at one point patrick was probably a good partner (or at least good enough to have kids with) but his family just ruined him. the suffering of being a character like rava literally cannot be understated. like having to decide between being a good mother who keeps her kids away from their father who is an out of control mess and being supportive of the man she loves and father of her children is just ugh.

art seeing the kids more!! AHHH i think that would absolutely DESTROY patrick. like his kids are just talking to him and they keep bringing ‘uncle’ art up and he just gets so angry at you like why are you letting him do this to me!?? why are you letting that man in our children’s life?? and you’re like well you’re not in their lives? if you want it to stop step up and be a father? but he simply cannot because in his head he IS a cog that’s built for only one machine. but i think you truly believe that if he just stepped away from it all he could be a really good spouse and father to your kids!!

and i’m sure we’ve discussed this before but i’m just thinking of that scene where stewy says something to kendall about rava seeing other people and imagining art telling patrick about you being back on the market and how that would tear him up AHHHH

thinking so many thoughts!!!!!

[missspringthyme]

January 6th, 2024

My cousin and his wife invited my sister, mom, and I to a "British themed tea house but I I woke up really late and needed to shower, so I told them to go ahead and I would get there later.

When I arrived, they had pretty much finished eating their sandwiches and treats and I felt pretty bad about how long it had taken for me to get there.

When I ate my scones, I put the clotted cream on top and everyone talked about how unlike the rest of them, I had done it the 'proper' way because I lived in the UK. I have no idea what the unproper way is.

The tea house was such a weird experience, there was a cardboard cutout of Lizzie and banner flags of Charles everywhere. In the corner, a woman on a harp played the entire Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. The most authentic part was that the food wasn't great (get wrecked Britain).

On the more interpersonal side, I sometimes struggle with my cousin and his wife because they're a little socially awkward. His wife is autistic but has done a lot of ABA, so sometimes talking to her makes me a little sad. It's almost like you can see her working really hard to be seen as normal and fun, but all I want to do is tell her that conversations would be a lot more fun if I didn't see her doing things that make her uncomfortable just to make other people comfortable.

My cousin, on the other hand, is a very classic 'um actually' nerd. I'm glad that they seem happy together though.

I left after an hour to go meet a friend at the place we always go to (Victorian school turned resturants/bars/coffee shops/art venue) and as always we talked for 5 hours. She thinks she might have OCD, last time she thought maybe ADHD.

We talked about different symptom profiles and neurobiology, but I also told her about the spectrum approach to mental illness and how focusing too much on a specific label may not be the best approach. Regardless, I hope she gets the answers she's looking for.

She apologized to me for constantly asking me questions about that type of thing, but what's the point of getting a master's in neuropsychology if I can't explain how the amygdala works using bad drawings in the notes app of my phone for my friends.

When I got home, I got sucked into a way too long and emotionally exhausting conversation with my mom. The first bit was insane, she told me she doesn't want to see me playfighting with my little sister in front of her because she is uncomfortable seeing me bully her. I said that was very unfair and didn't involve her, and also that my sister initiates just as much of the playfighting. The amount of times that I explained that it was a way we showed affection to each other, and that it was unfair to be treating me like an aggressor when we're both adults.

I found out later my mom went to my sister afterwards and asked her if she was okay with it, which is just incredibly funny to me. My mom keeps telling me we can't make any progress if I don't let my guard down, and I keep telling her that my guard went up in the first place because of behaviour that she has yet to change or even acknowledge.

I don't know how to stop going in circles with her. I finally managed to get my stuff together to switch over to my dad's house, so now I'm looking forward to a bit more space to relax before I finish winter break.