#i'm just soooo tired and frustrated lately

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Had a horrifically dysphoric week and it's made me even more frustrated and pissed off with the state of Gender Affirming Care in the UK and that it'll be a minimum of three years before I can even start on the path to T/top surgery, not to mention the fact that the cost of living crisis just has me completely broke, and I can't work because I'm just a mess, like just the idea of it gave me a massive 3 day long panic attack... I'm just feeling very frustrated and exhausted lately 😔😔😔

[loganlermanstanaccount]

PLEASE! I BEG THAT YOU WRITE AN MIGUEL O’HARA FICTION! IM BEGGING!! PLEASEE!!!! (Sorry if I come off harsh)

Ask and you shall receive!! A quick thing I wrote (not proofread), thanks for the ask <3

Touch

Miguel O'Hara x reader

(AO3 Mirror), Part 2, Main Masterlist

summary: Miguel misbehaves. You teach him a lesson. part one maybe?? idk y'all let me know if u want a pt 2. (Part 2 is out!)

warnings: pwp!! light f-dom, angry (ish??) sex, grinding, slight m-sub, (m) begging. mostly just filth. I am soooo desperate for any character played by Oscar Isaac. 18+ Minors DNI

a/n: I apologise in advance, native Spanish speakers. Me and reverso tried our best. 

wc: 1.4k

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A great crash from the workshop has you running from all the way in the kitchen, apron still on. 

He looks tired, hunched over his desk. Great hulking shoulders hang, tense in the dim light of a single lamp.

"Miguel?" It's soft, in the metallic hum of lights. "Everything okay?" 

He shifts, looking over his shoulder at you. "M'sorry for the noise mi sol, just tired." 

"...maybe it's time to call it a night, baby."

He waves you off with a flick of the wrist.   "Give me ten minutes, I'll come to bed."

"That's what you said half an hour ago, Miggy." It's under your breath but loud enough that his super senses pick it up.Your voice is fraught, frustrated - no doubt at the nights he'd spent away from you. Whether coming back late from tinkering in his workshop, or on the streets; he'd meet you fast asleep in bed, and wake up to an early morning rush. Either way, he seemed like a stranger in your own home; consumed with his work. It was taking its toll. 

You pad back, returning to the kitchen in silence. You clean up the remnants of a dinner Miguel had picked at, sighing. You loved him, and you knew he loved you; but he lived in his own world sometimes. Sure, the world needed him; but what about you? After everything you had given each other, how could he discard you so easily? 

It's only after a while Miguel realises the noises of you clearing up have long subsided, that he heads into the kitchen to investigate. It's meticulously clean, your apron hanging up on its peg by the door. On the counter, the remainder of his dinner boxed up in tupperware, with a post-it-note on the lid. 'For Miggy <;3' , it reads. 

His heart aches as he walks towards your room. You're dressed in nothing but his t-shirt, knees drawn and curled up into yourself. He slides into bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

"Mi vida?" He mumbles. "Mi vida, I know you're awake." 

You respond with an unceremonious grunt, back still turned. You're mad at him, and he deserves it. 

"I'm sorry." He says, listening to the rise and fall of your chest in the dark. He sits up. Sighing, he cradles your arm, tracing circles into the flesh. Gentle, and oh so soft. "I'm an idiot, you know that. I fucked up. Couldn't see how much you were hurting."

You stir, turning to face him. In the neon lights that stream into your room, his face falls. He brings a hesitant hand to cup at your cheek. 

"Say something. Please." Imperciptably, he watches your eyes fall to his lips. 

You kiss him, passionate and hot and angry. He can barely breathe when you envelope your plush lips around his, snaking your hand towards his back. You claw at his shirt, raking a hand into his hair. When you separate, it's obscene; a sliver of saliva still connecting his lips to yours. His scarlet eyes are low as he licks his lips; chasing your taste. You both sit up. 

"You haven't touched me in weeks, Miguel." Your voice is dangerously low, hand wrapped around his neck.

He wraps strong hands around your waist, guiding you to straddle him. For once, he's grateful for the flimsy fabric of his t-shirt - thin around the apex of your pebbled nipples. He paws at your hips, hands trailing towards your bare thighs. Just as they come to rest towards their crook, you snatch his hands away. 

"Let me make it up to you," He hisses at the contact, leaning into your touch. "Por favor, sólo una probadita, just a taste, my love."

"No touching." Dramatic, he protests, cursing in Spanish before you bring a thumb to his mouth to silence him. 

"No. Touching."

Eyes lidded, looking up at you, it takes everything not to break; you fight the urge to kiss the tip of his nose and whisper praise into the crook of his neck. Instead, you coax your thumb into his mouth; as he swirls his tongue around it, like he would on your clit. Miguel savors it like the sweetest honey, grateful you'll even touch him considering how he's been acting. 

He swells in his pants, hard as the crotch of his sweats graze your bare pussy. Beautiful tits pressed against his chest,  you draw small circles with your waist against the seat of his crotch. Precum spills as his hips jump up to meet you, desperate for contact. 

Immediately, you stop. With a pop, you pull your thumb from his mouth and Miguel moans at the loss. 

"Mierda. Baby, please-"

"No. Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to use you to get off. You're gonna watch, if you're lucky. And then I'm…" You swirl your hips, causing him to groan. "... going to bed." 

"¿Entiendes?" You croon, spiteful in the slow sway of your hips. "Do you understand, Miguel?" 

"-f-fuck, ok, ok-" Desperately nodding, he grips the sheets by his side. Closing his eyes to steady himself, he slumps his head on your shoulder. God, he's trying so, so hard not to cum right there; turned on by the lull of your sweet voice. He likes it when you get angry and treat him like a toy - painfully hard at the way you light him on fire. Everything about you; your scent, the way you taste, the grip you have in his hair; turns his senses up to eleven. 

You grind on his crotch, steadying yourself with your other hand on his shoulder. Plush lip tucked under your teeth, it takes all his willpower not to capture you in another kiss: hungry and consuming and overpowering. He can tell you're serious; everytime he grinds his crotch into yours, you will yourself to stop and tighten your grip. 

"Miguel…" You warn, moaning softly into his ear. "I m-meant what I said…"

When his hips snap up the third time; you growl, frustrated. Both your hands move to his chest, pushing him down onto the mattress so he's on his back. He looks good like this; at your mercy and putty under your hands. You push up the lip of his shirt to expose his midsection and pull down his sweats. A happy trail snakes down to his neatly trimmed cock; its deliciously curved tip springing free. Precum covers his cock, so when you slide him between the lips of your pussy it glides like he was made for you. You bite down on your lip so hard, it almost bleeds. 

With this new angle, you plant your hands by his head; grinding your clit onto his dick desperately. The slick sounds drive Miguel crazy, and when his hands fly to your waist to help you along, you don't move them. 

"You're s-so pretty, mi vida… prettiest thing I've ever seen. Need it. Need you. Use me, please, hump my cock like I'm your toy, p-please, please…"

He knows your body better than you do. You're close, dangerously near the edge. With the way your thigh shakes and the spasms that slow your rhythm, he knows. You don't break eye contact with him under you, moaning as you slide on his cock. Desperate, you chase that sweet spot, electric when he angles your hips just so… 

"M'gonna cum, fuck, Miggy-" You writhe desperately. He's close, too, shamelessly humping your pussy like a feral animal. He can taste it; white hot at the tip of his tongue. Finally, you cum: a leg shaking, biting orgasm that rips through you. You clench around nothing, but it's not enough for him. So, so close; and it's ripped away from him when you come down, in the aftermath. 

Unceremoniously, you pant and roll off of him; spread-eagle atop the sheets. Miggy curses softly at his ruined orgasm - still rock hard. He's glad you feel good, but he knows he can make you feel better, broad hands pawing at your hips. You slap them off, and turn your back pointedly. The slope and curve of your ass taunts him. 

"Fuck off, Miguel."

"Baby, I'm sor-" 

"Fuck. Off."

Sighing, he takes the hint. Grabbing the pillow, he pads off to the sofa in your living room, adjusting his hard on. He'd give you your space, tonight, and begin to win you back tomorrow morning. He needs you, more than you'd ever know. 

_

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_

[distorted59]

First of all, I love your works soooo much! And I love you too

Please I really want Kirk Headcanons. He’s the love of my life! I want to cuddle him and also something smut things too

thank you lovely!! I'm sorry for taking so long, i hope you enjoy!! <3

He’s really shy!! When you first met him, he was very nervous. Blushing and stumbling over his words. (You thought it was absolutely adorable of course!!!) When he first shook your hand, he felt electricity running through his body. After a while he fell right into your trap, he was hooked. Begging for more every day. 

He gets flustered a lot when he’s around you. He would mess up riffs during rehearsals or stumble over his words. One time he didn’t sleep very well, because he was overthinking all night. (May or may not have been horny all night) and he’d show up tired and sexually frustrated. You’d welcome him with open arms and took a nap together, when he woke up (hard) he got nervous. Your smell and arms around him drove him crazy. You noticed him stiffening once he woke up and quickly figured out what was happening. You’d start kissing his neck and rubbing him over his jeans. “Let me take care of you, baby.”

loves to eat pussy. Like he devours it. All of the boys would be into it but he’s addicted to it. Very good at it as well. He’d pull you to the edge of the bed so he could grind himself against the mattress while eating you out.

“Fuck, you taste so good, baby.” Kirk moans against your cunt. His hips are unrhythmic and desperately grinding against the bed. 

you moan and tug on his hair, keeping him in place right between your thighs. 

“Hmm!” you let out a squeal as he hits just the right spot. Kirk is humping against the bed like an animal. 

“gonna make me cum just like this, honey, fuck!” 

I feel like he gives the best hugs ever! Loves to cuddle and hold you close to him. 

80s Kirk is such a cutie, I just wanna hold him and kiss all his worries away. like, he’s such a geek with all his comics and action figures. Imagine going with him when he wants to buy new toys.

“Oh my god, babe!” Kirk whisper-yells at you and holds up a new issue of ‘Monster Magazine’. 

“Is that the new one, baby?” you smile at him, finding it overly adorable how excited he always gets.

"Yeah!" He looks at the back. “I’m gonna get this.” 

He smiles excitedly at you and kisses your cheek. You giggle and blush a bit, not expecting the kiss. 

“Can I read it after you’re done?” 

“Of course, baby!” Kirk grabs your hand. “We’ll read it together!”

Talking ab horror…. he would be into monster roleplay…. HE WOULD DONT DENY IT. Like him dressing up as dracula and you are the girl who got lost….. like!!!????? and he finds you and traps you and bites you and fucks the absolute life out of you. Thank you for listening. 

Also, the fact that in all those videos where he makes a joke and no one laughs??? c'mon now… baby is just trying to have some fun :(

his stutter is so cute!!! he still gets nervous sometimes and can’t look you in the eye or form a sentence. but you don’t mind. <3

I have been thinking about this a lot lately; giving Kirk head for the first time. him all whiny and excited, not knowing what to expect. 

“I’ll be gentle, okay?” You look up at him through your lashes. 

“Mhm.” He has his fingers over his mouth, unable to even speak. You stroke him lazily and smile at him. He throws his head back and lets out a huge moan when you lick the tip. 

“Ooh~, baby!” He whines. “ngh.. fuck!” his chest moves up and down and he tries to hold your hair back for you. 

you lick him from the base up and put him in your mouth. You’d think he’s seeing stars, cause he lets out the most heavenly moans you’ve ever heard. 

“feels so good, baby~”

yes, just a silly little thought.

the older he gets the rougher he gets, i feel. I mean, the fame and money definitely upped his confidence. which isn’t a bad thing AT ALL.

One of my favorite eras of him is htsd, his hair is starting to gray a little bit, and his skin has that old deep tan. the mustache, the goatee. yes just yes. 

I feel like he’s such a tease!!??  imagine going out for dinner with some friends, or the rest of the band. and he’s touching you all over. 

“Does my baby wanna feel good?” he slides his hand over your thigh. He’s been touching your thighs an kissing your neck all fucking night. 

“Kirk, please.” you whimper. “Not here, why here?” 

“Why here?” he smirks against your neck and moves up to whisper in your ear. “Don’t pretend you’re not enjoying this as much as I do, princess.”

GIMME THAT I NEED IT NOW

He’s a really sweet boy, has a kind heart and actually looks too cute to be in a metal band. His voice is so sweet, his hands are very soft. (they become more and more calloused over the years). He would trace his fingers over your skin and whisper sweet things in your ears and place soft kisses on your neck. 

ALSO Kirk with eyeliner!???? just imagine you making him feel so good after a show or sum and he starts crying in pleasure and it just drips down his face!!???? His face is messy and his eyes are red with tears as he craves more and more of you.

actually need that rn

and going to the beach with him!! maybe he'll teach you how to surf or just chill with you enjoying some drinks in the shade and going for a casual swim. <3

[wishingstarinajar]

I know, I know I'm a scratched record

But I'm dying to hear your thoughts on the Wakfu finale when you get to it!

I just finished watching it and it's uuh... hmm. I read people saying the finale was "satisfactory" but I am not fully on board with that sentiment.

Too much left unanswered, not enough wrapped up, too rushed to get to the end.

I know the Waven game is a continuation of sorts, it takes place decades after Wakfu's conclusion so that game might hold some answers or closure, buuuuttt... I'm not interested enough in the game to play and find out. I guess I've grown a bit tired of the whole cross-media info/lore some franchises love to do (like Blizzard and covering important info across the Warcraft games, books and short stories).

Wakfu season 4 obviously has an open ending, no matter that it is the final season, so who knows what might follow. I'm just a little saddened that the story picked up a little too late this season but the animation, particularly during action scenes, was pretty great... when not using the same static images of characters xDD They loved that a little too much but I understand the budget wasn't that big so I can't really fault Ankama for it.

Did I like this season? Mmmyyeeaaah, it's a mixed bag. Better than season 3 but not better than the first two seasons or even the OVA episodes. Glad it exists but I don't feel super satisfied with its conclusion.

HEAVY SPOILERS ahead, so be mindful but gonna share some thoughts:

Seeing Joris play a bigger part in the second half of the 4th season, and him vibing with Adamaï made me very giddy and happy. Love that for them, hope they become good friends. And thank fek neither of them died. RIP, Qilby, Armand and Brakmar (maybe?). The guys who needed to redeem themselves got their chance, at least.

Goddess Eliatrope was a big disappointment and an unlikeable character but I guess that was kind of the point...? Angry that she totally ignored Chibi and Grougal, like what the fuck even? Didn't even show a hint of acknowledgment towards them. What if they wanted to meet mom, huh?? And what even happened to Baltazar and Glip, who were in Emrub with the same kids that were asleep in Goddess Eliatrope's belly? What did she do with them?

But hey, at least my headcanon that the Sadida and Eliatropes will combine into a single kingdom/people (which I also wrote about in my Rebirth fic) actually happening was pretty satisfying x'D It even has Wakfu-infused trees, om nom nom.

A little frustrated with Necroworld (not the same Necroworld from the Transformers: Lost Light comics) because it's supposed to be a different planet in some other universe but it had dofus (dragon eggs) and races of the Twelve like Sadida, Sram and Sacrier. It was pretty confusing... Imo, it should have been something similar to The Upside Down (Stranger Things), or an alternate version of the world of Twelve rather than a completely separate place. But eh...

Why did nobody care about the state Inglorium was in, or that the Gods have disappeared? That bothered me so so so soooo much during the first two episodes; nobody non-Eliatrope or non-demigod cared that their God/Goddess was... well... gone. Aside from God Iop, where are they?? Hated the disinterest, hated the silence around it. Guess that's a mystery that will be unraveled in some other media.

Yugo grew tall and handsome and I'm not afraid to say it. Happy for him, though him suddenly growing so quickly was a bit silly. I figured there would be a time skip to justify his 'growth' that we saw in promotional images and teasers. Won't complain though, he deserved to finally be in a body that reflects his actual age, it took him long enough!

"Bootleg Alys" from the Dofus movie made a cameo in episode 11 which made me snerk. (I noticed a few more background characters from the movie that were re-used in episode 11.)

And that's all I have to say, at least here on Tumblr. It was quite a ride.

A big thanks Ankama and all the Kickbackers that made it possible; this show had its ups and downs over the past decade but it was enjoyable and loved. It still holds a special place in my heart and I will keep a tiny eye out for more Krozmos stuff in the future (like Welsh & Shedar, gimme!!).

[v5b5]

Something angsty with Carlos? Like quite a serious fight (let’s say over his schedule) and you’re angry and then he’s all apologetic afterwards and it’s all fluffy at the end, forgiving him and all that 😊

This is super short but yeah. That's it, read it. Hope you love it.

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Summary: You feel like you're competing for your boyfriend's attention.

Warnings: a little angst, fluff at the end, super short.

A/N: English is NOT my first language, so if your find any mistakes let me know. Thanks!!!

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The tension was palpable as I watched Carlos stride into our apartment, his eyes fixed on his phone screen. The echo of his footsteps reverberated through the room, signaling his mood before he even spoke. I could feel the anger bubbling inside me, threatening to spill over at any moment.

"Carlos," I began, my voice laced with frustration, "we need to talk."

He glanced up, his brow furrowing slightly at the seriousness in my tone. "What's wrong, mi amor?"

I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts before unleashing them. "Your schedule, Carlos. It's insane. You're pushing yourself too hard, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm competing with your tennis career for your attention."

His expression softened, but I could see the hint of defensiveness in his eyes. "I know it's been tough lately, but I'm doing this for us, for our future together. Tennis is my passion, and I want to give it my all."

I shook my head, frustration boiling over. "But what about us, Carlos? What about our relationship? It feels like you're never here, like I'm just an afterthought in your life."

He reached out, gently taking my hand in his. "I'm sorry, mi amor. I didn't realize how much this was affecting you. I'll talk to my coach, see if we can rearrange my schedule to spend more time together."

I sighed, feeling some of the tension drain from my body. "I just want to feel like a priority in your life, Carlos. I love you, but I can't keep feeling like I'm constantly fighting for your attention."

He pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly against his chest. "You are my priority, siempre. I'll do whatever it takes to make things right between us."

I buried my face in his shoulder, feeling the weight of the argument lifting from my shoulders. "I love you too, Carlos. Let's just promise to communicate better from now on, okay?"

He nodded, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of my head. "Okay. I promise."

And in that moment, as we held each other close, I knew that no matter what obstacles we faced, our love would always conquer all.

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It's SOOOO short but it's just to prove that I'm alive. Yay!

[tirfpikachu]

ok my lovely little outing has taken a turn for the worst i'm gonna die. so i use a disability transport service and they ask that you wear the seatbelt that most wheelchairs come with. well my belt got fucking TANGLED in my wheel sooooo fucking badly. like it's SOOOO stuck. and the guy just didn't let me on. and then i go to call my usual taxi company to book a cab, they say it's coming. it doesn't come. i call AGAIN and they say i'm fuckign banned from the taxi company???? bc i was "rude" to a driver last time who was being super fucking passive aggressive about dealing w my wheelchair and me going nearby so it was a waste of time and time is money etc etc. i called him tf out on that, firmly. i also had a time where a driver kept asking me if i had a boyfriend, if my bf was home, etc when it was super late at night and my wheelchair was in his trunk so i had to lie that my bf was upstairs. as a woman that's scary as fuck. so i called the company and complained. maybe that was me being "rude" too. anyway i'm fucking banned!!!!! so i called a different company and they said an accessible cab could take 2+ hours. so i'm stuck at this timmies :'] i'm so overstimmy and tired and getting achy. this sucks so bad. i'm so frustrated

i know the dude from this different company i booked with is probably still gonna be passive-aggressive abt me paying w debit (they get less money apparently???) AND going super close (there's a big hill in the way so i can't fucking go by myself, that makes me worth getting mad at somehow!!!) AND "dealing" with my wheelchair. like they alwayssss sigh in annoyance and make little comments. it makes me feel like a fucking burden. i can't help being like this. i hate being stuck in a wheelchair. it makes me so upset i'm getting on the verge of tears hahaaaa they also said the taxi could take 2+ hours to get here since they have limited accessible cabs. kill me fr pull the trigger piglet i beg of you i'm so upset wtf

[hidden-poet]

BESTIEEEEE 🩷 I AM SORRY I KNOW I'M SOOO LATE TO BOTH, I’m a terrible friend ik ik 😢 but I'm BACK and bestie I am literally the sameeee! I always check everyday…. to see when you’ve updated, been last active and just stalking your profile 😭😂

Commander Snow…. Chapter 6…. LET'S GET STARTED!!!

~

Look at our girl playing housewife to our Commander 😂 The poor girl's situation is literally Berlin Syndrome! I have to say I’m actually really surprised he didn’t wake her up and force her to eat dinner with him 😂

You know, I'm actually so shocked that he didn’t hit her over the whole Edmund situation. Usually his ‘anger’ and ‘frustration’ gets the better of him and he starts slapping the poor girl 😂

Omg them laying on the couch and him being the little spoon again and taking her arm around him and holding it under his chin…. he’s soooo baby 🥹🩷 And him feeling better that he was coming home to her 🥹 our poor baby is just looking to be safe and secured by her 😭

Coriolanus was stuck in District 12 dealing with half-wits and scum - 😑😑😑

I JUMPED when she got see what he looked like with curls 😫 and when she commented that he had curls 🥹 AND HUBBY IS GOING TO GROW THEM BACK ONCE HE’S BACK HOME 🥵 YES!

You would think Coryo and Dr. Gaul would’ve come up with a plan to poison President Ravenstill already 😂 I mean…. I know the poor old man is dying but still 😂

The way he just reaches out to her after his nightmare for comfort 😫and how he just panics when she’s not there but relaxes once he finds her on the couch 😫 the fear he has that she escaped his grasp…. poor baby is so traumatized from Lucy Gray 🥹 Again…. I am so surprised how he now contains his anger towards her when she tries to distance herself from him 😂 then again, he’s just too panicked and hazy from his nightmare! 

WHEN HE SITS DOWN ON THE FLOOR BESIDE HER 😫 and when he gets up to lay next her…. And how he tries to hold her close to him…. and she’s so cute when she tries to wiggle away from his hold and falls down on the floor 😭 but WHEN he tries to bring her back down to his CHEST as she's trying to crawl over him 🫠 she wouldn't win that round if he wasn't so tired and out of it 😂

You would not comfort the man who kidnapped you. - She's so real for that 😂

“Was there something wrong with the bed?” he asks. - “You prefer the bed built by Edmund.” He spat his name like it was poison. - so so petty 🙄😂 he is so fucking crazy smart (obviously this is the future president of Panem and the most smartest and hyper focused person) to have figured out that Edmund built her bed just by knowing the wood matched! The idiot in me would have never figured that out 😂 - He feels settled as you sit by his feet. - MY GODDDD 😫

“Can you make me a cup of tea?” he asks. - yes, daddy. why is he so cute for asking her to make him a cup of tea 🥹 - He watches you while sitting on the couch. He liked how you moved so comfortably in the space. You were treating it like your home. No hesitation about where things were, you used things liberally. - AWEE WHEN I TELL YOU THIS PART MADE BLUSH SO MUCH 😫

“I had an enemy in the Capitol. He disliked my father and took it out on my family”. - “He sent you back as Commander?” - “No. He died. - bro forgot to mention the part where he killed him 🙄

“You’re safe. You’ve always been safe.” - Oh my sweet delusional boy…. 🤦‍♀️ And MY GOD he’s such a jealous man when it comes to Edmund 😈

THE WAY MY MOUTH HUNG OPENED WHEN HE SPLASHED HIS TEA ON THE COUCH AND HANDS IT TO HER SO SHE WOULD COME BACK TO BED 😳😂 - “Enjoy it then.” - 😑😑😑 MY GOD he is soooo prettyyy when she rejects him 😫 I LOVE IT 😈

~

When he pulls her up into the van and makes her sit on the floor between his legs 🥵😫 and taking her arms and placing them on his KNEES 😫 Everyone knows she’s the Commanders whore 😂😈 I love how he just helps her down the van too…. such a well respected gentleman to his followers (and me forgetting all the times he forced me to suck his dick 😂)

Okay. Before I get into this part…. I am literally gobsmacked he didn’t kill Edmund…. even with her convincing him how Edmund took care of her before he came along to take his place…. I still feel like that’s so out of character for him not to kill him just out of jealousy and being possessive over her 😳

“Please, Coriolanus. Let him go.” - “He threw the first punch.” - “He learnt his lesson.” you promise. - “Have you learnt yours?” - YOU, PETTY PETTY MAN 😫

“Gentlemen, welcome to District 12.” - why hello there, hottie 😈

The way she just begs him to stop by wrapping her arms around his neck to bring it back down to herself so he could only focus on her and her “affection” towards him 🥵😫 AND MY GOD when he kept PUSHING her on the “Do you love him” 😫

“Because if you loved him now would be the time to tell me, because I would hate to break apart lovers.” - MY GOD YOU’RE SO FUCKIN’ PETTY MY BOY 🥵 - “Do you love him?” You feel his fingers tighten on your face. - 🥵🥵 - “Do you love me?” - “More than him?” - I think i used up all my ‘petty’s’ when it comes to this man 😂 and yes, yes i do 😈 WHEN HE PULLED HIS BODY OVER HERS WHEN THE SHOT WHIZZED 😫🥵 Bro he was getting fed by the new recruits missing Edmund and took matters into his own hands…. HOT! Again I am so shocked he just let him go and didn’t kill him…. Poor Edmund man. He was literally a human bullseye in a game of Russian Roulette (i know it’s not actually Russian Roulette but it kinda reminded me of it lol 😂) 

This whole part with Edmund was just more petty Coryo 😂 I love how Edmund tries to hold his head up high and show that he’s not scared of him! But man was this scene intense 😳

Awe this time he sits her down on his lap 🥹

“Edmund died today, as far as you are concerned.” - YES, SIR 🫡 MY GOD when he slams the paper and pen in front of her to write to her brother about them being a couple 😂 and making her write to Tigris and Grandma’am…. boy at least let the girl rest for a second after the little stunt you put her through with Edmund 😂

“My family are in the Capitol, yet they know about you.” - awee my sweet psycho killer baby boy 🥹 - “Now write to Tigris and my grandmother. Tigris suggested it would make you feel better, already knowing someone in the Capitol.” - I wonder what he told Tigris about his…. captive 👸 - You make yourself a promise that you would never meet his cousin or his grandmother. - yeah…. keep telling yourself that princess 🙄

I just love how in this story he’s trying to find out what happened to Lucy Gray, the fear of her being alive and out there and coming for him is literally eating him alive!!!

~

Okay. Edmund. Sweetie. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND? TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED? AGAIN? YOU BARELY GOT OUT LAST TIME!! MY GOD BOY 😳😳😳 It’s reassuring to know her mom is okay and safe up in the mountains 🩷

“You can get the key and get out?” - “Yes.” - ohhhhh honeyyyy….. 🙄

~

HE CHAINED HER WRIST TO HIMSELF AS THEY SLEPT??? 🥵🫠 - making sleep impossible as he basically slept on top of you now. - GOD 😫 - Poor baby is so anxious and paranoid she’ll get away 🥹

“Do you not trust me?” - absolutely not, baby 🥹 - “You took me to a special place, and now I want to take you somewhere, okay?” - 😑😑😑 YEAH. For your own damn BENEFIT not HERS 👿

“Get in.” he barks. - yes, daddy 😈

Him just gripping her arm and throwing her in the back cage of the car after she wouldn’t get in because of the gun 😂 - “How are you doing back there?” - 😑😑😑 - “There’s a cabin I know of. There’s a lake too. I think you’ll like it.” - 😑😑😑 X6 - “Did Lucy Gray like it?” - ….she used to 😂 The poor girl is genuinely so TERRIFIED he’s going to kill her in the woods like he ‘did’ with Lucy Gray 🥹

The cabin in the woods….. talk about DEJA VU for everybody! The same woods, the same cabin, the rain, her running away from him, him chasing her down, yelling her name like the psycho he is 😈 not having control over the situation, the both of them not trusting each other and being paranoid and uneasy the ENTIRE time! The difference is that he managed to catch this one 😂 Okay let’s break this down!

Coriolanus seemed nervous to be there. His hand flexes as it reaches for you. - aweeeee 🥹😈 I just love love how he always retakes her hand for comfort…. And of course making sure she doesn’t get away 😂

Despite its appearance, someone had been here before you and Coriolanus. - literal chills…. 😳 I loved how eerie it was when they entered the cabin since we know what happened there before!

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE…. He kept her rainbow dress and BROUGHT IT with him here? 😳 and what exactly is he going to do with that dress of hers? 🤨 - The way he lets out a laughy breath sends shivers down your spine. - me too girl…. me too 😈 - “Whoever it belongs to is long gone.” - 😑😑😑 boy…. aweee she’s soooo scared of him rn 😭

“Are you okay?” - “Fine. You?” - “Perfect.” - I’m sorry but this interaction made me giggle so much like they both need to…. relax and chill with one another 😂

Okay there is sooooo much paranoia going on with these two right now…. Like seriously…. RELAX…. both of you…. NOW 😂 I can literally feel the fear from the both of them…. He is so terrified Lucy Gray is going to jump out and murder the both of them in cold blood and she is so sure that she’s dying tonight!

As Coriolanus finished his second trip with the bags, he used an old chair still there and pinned it under the door handle to prevent it from opening. - niceeee and cozyyyy and SECURE and SAFE 😂

“Will we?” you spat. “Why are we here anyway?” - girl, take a deep breath with me…. inhaleeee and exhaleeee 🥹 - “It’s quiet,’’ he suggests, “Some place quiet where we can be alone.” - BRO YOU ALWAYS ISOLATE HER WITH YOURSELF 😑😈

He is getting so fed up with her constantly bringing up Lucy Gray and accusing him for her disappearance! Usually this man would slap the shit out of her to stop her from saying Lucy Gray’s name 😳

“I didn’t know Lucy Gray. I’ve told you.” - Are you sure about that? 🤨

He opens a pack of sausages and throws them down without care before tossing the leftover garlic potatoes you cooked the night before in as well. - Okay this actually made me really really fucking hungry right now 😂

Our poor girl is 100% sure he’s going to kill and bury her in these woods 😭

“I have never hurt you.” - 😑😑😑 ….DELUSIONS. Or maybe we just have different definitions on what hurting someone is 😂 - “Have you starved under me? Has your mother?” he hits his chest with his next words, “You eat because of me. You sleep in a bed that I paid for. I provide for you. Me.” - yes you have starved her, yes to her mother 😑at least he wasn’t denying him hitting her 😂 and this man is acting like SHE’S the ONE who came to him asking for help 😑 Okay Coryo hitting his chest 🥵 - “Everything has happened to you because you strayed, and you want me to apologize for it?” - my god this man…. 😑 THE AUDACITY 🤦‍♀️ - “And I am not going to kill you. You don’t think you’ve done enough already to get yourself hanged? I protected you from that. Not Edmund.” - my jelly jealous boy 🥹

“Sit on the ground, by my boots.’’ - HOLY MOTHER OF GOD YES YES 🫠💦 sitting on the ground and wrapping her herself around his leg as he cooks MY GODDD 🥵😫 and when he FEEDS HER because he doesn’t trust her with a knife 🫠🥵 she hurt our poor baby's feelings with the pipe incident 🥹 WEARING HIS DOG TAG I CAN’T THIS IS TOO MUCH 😫 SOOO FUCKING HOT THAT HE ALSO HAS HER RING AROUND HIS NECK 🫠💦 she’s honestly so cute for that for asking for it tho 🥹 - “Happy now? Will you stop acting crazy?” - yes, daddy 😈

Teaching her cards and letting her win 🥹🩷

He and Edmund both wanted to take care of you but your heart only had place for one. And that spot rightfully, and wholly belonged to Coriolanus Snow. Edmund did his job of keeping you alive for Coriolanus and he was rewarded when the bullet went behind him and not into his skull. But now it was Coriolanus’s turn and both Edmund and you needed to learn that. - lucky lucky gal she is 🥹🥹and he’s so crazy i love it 😈

He liked the feeling of skin to skin with you but you beg him to keep his t-shirt on. You hated the feeling of his skin pressed against yours. He obliged. - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRL? And I'm surprised he listens to her sometimes 😂

The way she just ran when called her out and him JUMPING out to get her 😂 poor guy is reliving Lucy Gray all over again 🥹 OH BUT TO BE CHASED IN THE WOODS BY THIS MAN 😫😈

She was the victor of the hunger games, you were a lost lamb. You wouldn’t stand a chance against her. She would tear you to shreds if she thought she could get back at Coriolanus. - Does he really believe this is what Lucy Gray would actually do? 😳 my…. she really fucked him up, didn’t she 😂 AND did he forget HE’S the reason she won the Hunger Games in the first place? 🤦‍♀️

He thinks about returning to the cabin and retrieving his gun but you were already too far out of reach. - Okay but imagine he shot her too 😂

Boy is yelling and using the same lines he used on Lucy Gray the entire time 😂

His wild eyes scan the area for any sign of movement. The rain hindered his vision but he could hear the faint sound of branches snapping under your foot. - the psycho eyes and hyper focusness this man has is the hottest thing ever 😫 a wild animal hunting his prey 😈

“Do you honestly think you can run from me? That I won’t find you?” - come on…. we’re just playing hide n seek here 😈 and yes, you will always find me because I'm just an innocent doe 😫 Ughhhh him yelling her name and just screaming out of frustration just does things to me 🫠 - “Y/N! Come out now! This isn’t funny!” - it’s kinda funny when you can’t find meeee 🤭

“You stupid, little girl” - “When I catch you…” - call me a stupid, little girl, again 😫😈 And what are you gonna do to me when you catch me? 🤭 SO HOT! And of course he taunted and threatened her with her mothers life 😂 too bad he can’t find her since she’s up in the mountains 🫢 - “Y/N. That’s enough.” - “Y/N, I said that’s enough!” - Oh come on just five more minutes 😫😈

“You’re going to get lost in the forest. There’s worse things than me out there.” - oh no baby…. It’s just you 😈

The paranoia he has with Lucy Gray…. that she is some wild and savage animal out to kill his girl is hysterical to me 😂 but at the same time…. I kinda understand him and the fear!

He needed to find you. To make sure you were alright. That Lucy Gray hadn’t got her hands on the only pure thing in his life. - 😑😑😑 ….well he clearly got over his first ‘love’ quick like DAMN! poor girl 😭 i tell ya, he is the king of the Lucy Gray slander 😂

My man is so smart for throwing that tree branch to get her out of hiding 😫 I LOVE A GOOD CHOOSE SCENE WHERE HE IS OBVIOUSLY FASTER AND CATCHES HER BY THE WAIST AND PULLING HER DOWN AND STRADDLING HER AND PINNING HER DOWN ON THE FLOOR 😈

In all honestly tho the girl is lucky he didn't beat the living shit out of her 😳

“Shut up,” he grabs your jaw and stills it in his direction, “You stupid, stubborn, fool of a girl. - MY GOD 🥵🥵🥵

“It was foolish. What if something got you in the forest?’’ - BRO YOU GOT ME 🤦‍♀️ I WAS TRYING TO RUN FROM YOU 😑 - “Do you have any idea what that would have done to me?” - aweeee…. you fucking psycho 🥹🩷

Don’t you just love it when your captor drags you back by your arm and pushes you back to the cabin and lectures you about how he’s the reason behind something you never wanted or asked for 🩷🥹 Also girly never tell Coriolanus Snow you don’t care about him! The man has some serious mommy issues….

“When you were hungry, I cared.” - “When you didn’t have money for rent, I cared.” - “Clothes for the winter, medicine for your mother. I cared. And what do I get for it?” - “All I ever wanted from you was for you to care.” - “You would think after everything, I would be entitled to it.” - BOY SHE NEVER WANTED OR ASKED FOR ANY OF THAT! AND THE DESPERATION ABOUT HER MOMS MEDICINE WAS YOUR OWN DOING, BOY 😑😑😑 But…. HOT HOT HOT 🥵 Our delusional baby just wanted her to care for him and validate him 🥹🩷

Damn he just lifted her up and threw her across the floor like a sack of potatoes 😂 and trapping her by cuffing her wrists to the oven 🥵🥵 - “Look at you,” he spat, “You wouldn’t have lasted the night out there.” - not without you, daddy 😈 I love how he just sits on her legs 😂 like the poor girls body is weak and she’s already cuffed 😂 - He speaks slowly and dangerously with your face in his hands. - FOCUS GIRL FOCUS 😳 - “If you ever try to leave me again, there will be nothing you could do that would save Edmund”. - Do you understand?” - you're going to have to kill me if you asked to leave you 😂 - You nod, but it seemed to anger him. - “I asked if you understood,” he yells. - YES YES YES! KEEP YELLING AT ME BECAUSE I AM A STUPID GIRL 😫

“I doubt you’ve ever thought something useful in your life. Use to everybody else doing it for you.” - you are correct, daddy 😫 - His hands tangle in your hair forcing you to keep still. - 🥵😈🥵😈

“I’ll do your thinking for you from now on. Your next independent thought, I’ll smash from your skull, understand?” - i just fucking came 🫠💦 I JUST FUCKING CAME!

The rain soaked him again and his shirt clung uncomfortably on his skin. - DAMN 🥵🥵 - It sticks the cold to his chest and his mind floats back to you inside. You were sure to catch a cold if he didn’t move fast. - he’s crazy. but he cares for her so much in his own sick and twisted way 🥹🩷

I want to give her the biggest hug right now 🩷 poor girl was just shivering on the kitchen floor 😢 and him wiping off the water from his face with his soaked shirt had me going MEOW 🐱 And damn he actually wanted to go swim in the lake with his new lover -> where it once belonged to him and his old lover 😂

My man is petty af by not letting her wear her the extra clothes and just dressed her one of his shirts 😂

So hot when she’s battling with him over who takes off her clothes 😫 - “I do the thinking for you, remember.” - yes, daddy 😈 ughhhh i can’t function properly rn with the way he carelessly yanks it off her 😫 - He keeps his eyes as forward as he can as he slides the sleeves up your arms. Only looking down as he does up the buttons. It was oddly gentlemanly and you wonder if he did it for his sake or yours. - yea…. i’m honestly shocked too by his ‘gentlemanliness’ 😂 When she begs him to stop but he doesn’t when he’s trying to get her out of her underwear and puts new ones on her 😫 At least he had the decency to give the girl a pillow and lay a blanket onto her 😂 BUT he can’t sleep so he goes to sleep next to her 😫 he literally can’t sleep without her anymore 😂

~

“Hungry?” he asks. - you petty son of bitch 😂 poor girl is so hungry and he’s just gonna torture her while he’s eating in front of her and not give her any 😈 - “Imagine how hungry you would be lost in the woods.” - 😑😑😑 - “You would be dead if I didn’t find you.” - how is he so sure? 😂 this man's ego and need for control 🙄😈 - “What do you have to do?” - “None of your business.” he snaps. - DAMN BABY 🥵

I love the Lucy Gray storyline! I love how scared he is of her! It’s actually really really frightening too because it’s like she’s haunting these woods and would violently jump out and murder anyone who enters it in cold blood, including him. I just love how he’s searching the forest for her and retracing his steps back to the snake bite sight and aiming his gun to where he ‘shot’ her like she’s just gonna jump out and rip him to shreds! I swear the mystery of what happened to this girl is EATING me alive 😂 no clues, signs, no nothing left of her in these woods! And of course he would kill all the mockingjays 😂 and the consideration this psycho has of the gunshot scaring his girl  🥹🩷

I actually have a theory about this whole Lucy Gray thing…. I think Lucy Gray did survive and ran from the forest right away and had gone North like she planned to. Now, what if…. Lucy Gray is living up in the mountains, and is in contact, or even lives, with Edmund and her mother…. DUN DUN DUN 😳

He presses the point of the gun into your ankle, pinning it against the floor. You don’t try moving  under threat. He slides the gun slowly up your leg, over your calf, over your knee, inching up to the middle of your thigh under his shirt. - “Open your legs wider.” he demands. - OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME I NEED HIM TO WRECK MY VAGINA 🫠💦 - “I am in a very good mood. You would hate to ruin that wouldn’t you?” - what are you gonna do if I don’t comply? 😈 OMFG HE NESTLES HIMSELF BETWEEN HER LEGS LAYS HIS BODY DOWN ON HERS I CAN’T RN 😫

“I have been nothing but patient and kind to you.” - THIS ONE SURE IS A LAUGH ISN’T IT 😂

But really what you promised is that you would allow yourself one more chance of escape before he made good on his promise to kill your mother and Edmund. - Yeah…. good luck with that hun 😂

~

I WENT A LITTLE CRAZY WITH THIS ONE 😂

BESTIEEEE I AM MENTALLY PREPARING MYSELF FOR CHAPTER 7!!!! AHHHH I’M SO EXCITED 🩷

HEY bestie!

thank you for this 💕💕

The validation from posts like these makes me feel dizzy! I love hearing how my work has been interpreted it honestly helps my writing skills so much!

--------------

He is getting so much better with the hitting! In the original draft when he catches the reader in the forest he is a little heavy handed but i thought it didn't fit the characters state. He was suppose to be almost frozen with fear in the same way he was when he had the nightmare. like he felt reduced to a little boy rather then the strong man he is.

---------

I mean who is to say Dr Gaul isn't poisoning President Ravenstill 👀

----------

i've had a lot of comments saying that it was out of character for Coriolanus not to kill Edmund! and i totally respect that.

But, in my reading of Coriolanus, he is lead by his mind rather then emotion. Edmund is a huge bargaining chip. I don't see him throwing it away because he is jealous.

Also, I love Edmund and need him for plot progression so Coriolanus can't kill him, haha.

-------------

Now for the main piece of the chapter; the cabin in the woods.

I am so glad you saw that the scene was identical to him and Lucy-grey. Yes! he was reliving it! but as a different man.

I was tempted to have him go get the gun and shoot but i decided against it. Because the situation was different. He saw lucy-grey as a threat to his freedom, while he saw the reader as something he had to protect, not something he ever had to fear.

----------

Now the bag with Lucy-grey's dress was already there from when Coriolanus and her ran way.

They brought a bag of stuff for their travels. While it was never explicitly stated that Lucy-Grey brought her mothers dress, I don't think she would have left without it (Despite the memories it now carried). I also needed an item Coriolanus could pull from the bag to show that it was Lucy-grey's bag from the day to show that she hadn't been back to the cabin. Which would have given Coriolanus security that he managed to kill her on that day, Hence the laugh.

he then took the bags from the cabin and drowned them in the lake so all the evidence from that day was buried.

-------------

Chapter 7 will be out soon! please let me know what you think!!!!

[mochiwrites]

GETS MY RABIES FOWM ALL OVER THE FLOOR EHRNEHRBRHRBHRNRBDHEHSHSLNs I'm so. The fucking circus. It's so fucking nice to see how you're taking an extremely traumatic event for Grian and actually keeping it. You've always been one of my literal fucking favorite ever fic writers but god is it still refreshing to see a traumatic situation not used as shock value. Grian being affected through nightmares, flashbacks, looking over his shoulder, being even more glued to Mumbo, it's so. GOD!!!! I can see all the ways it's gotten to him and how he's trying so fucking hard to just move on bc he doesn't want to be miserable and scared. He's so tired of being scared. It's so clear

yeah !!!!!!

one of my biggest things in writing is portraying trauma accurately. it’s the ex-psych major in me DHFHTHTGG

but showing the after effects of the circus is so important to me because that is grian’s first real traumatic experience and you don’t. Just get over that. I mean, he had that whole bit of having never really ??? thought about death before ???? but now the circus forced him to and it’s a big thing.

and I 100% feel you on the treating traumatic events being used as shock value and nothing more because it. Happens so often. and it’s so ???? very frustrating to see as a writer. and like — oh my god I didn’t realize how much impact the circus has on the story. because the circus hasn’t just impacted grian. it’s impacted mumbo as well.

there was a fic I was writing that I didn’t go anywhere with, but there was a scene in there that showcased the impact the circus had on mumbo and I’m just. gonna through this snippet here because I probably won’t use it for anything (?) soooo!

“I don’t need babysitting!” Grian snaps at him, looking at him with offense. “I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself, thank you very much!”

“Mate, I hate to be the one to break it to you but you are notorious at this point for getting into trouble,” Mumbo retorts, deadpan. “The last thing we need is you getting into trouble while I’m not there. And there’s quite a bit of monsters that live in this area … so, Scar.”

“May I remind you that this is the same guy who kidnapped me and tried to kill me, Mumbo?” Grian reminds him with a rather unhappy look. He and Scar may be building some sort of friendship, but he’s not particularly fond of the idea of being left alone with him. For who knows how long.

“Hey, I thought we were past that!” Scar cries, gaze falling on Grian.

“I never said I forgave you. Or forgot,” Grian smoothly replies, turning his frown to Scar. “But seriously Mumbo, I appreciate the concern but I promise I’ll stay wherever! I won’t run off,” he swears. “Scar does not need to stay.”

“Yeah!” Scar agrees. “You know I’ll be helpful in whatever information we can get. I’m not a charmer for nothing, after all.”

Mumbo sighs quietly, “I’m just… worried, alright?” If he’s being honest the idea of leaving Grian alone for more than ten minutes makes him anxious. A million different situations run through his mind, and Mumbo can’t stomach the thought. “The last time you were left alone you were kidnapped, and it,” he lets out a small little self deprecating chuckle, “well I’m worried about something happening to you. And I trust Scar to keep you safe.” He gives the fae a pointed look.

Something in Grian immediately softens at that, as he takes in Mumbo’s slightly crestfallen expression. He knows the vampire still feels guilty about the circus, but Grian never really stopped to think how else the circus may have affected him. He’s noticed the way that Mumbo has seemed a bit more jumpy lately, the way he seems so reluctant to let Grian leave his sight.

and just. AUGH T^T

but yeah. Yeah. grian is Still feeling that impact from the circus, and so is mumbo. and mumbo’s thing is def smth I want to work in but yeah. yeah

[lgcgaeun]

backdated January 2023

Time passes by so quickly.

I can hardly believe that a year has passed by since I joined LGC. Wow. It's been quite a journey, both to get here and stay. It's been... tough to juggle school and training and there have been many nights where I'm too tired to think and fall into bed exhausted only to do it all again the next day. But if that's the price to pay for chasing my dream of being free and following in the footsteps of my idol then that's what I'll continue to do!

I must also confess that I have been feeling... a little inadequate lately. My growth hasn't been as big or as noticeable as some other of the trainees and it just feels like I'm falling behind. Like, after a year I should be further along in my development than I am currently. It's just so frustrating to see others succeed where I fail! What am I doing wrong? Why can't I progress like the others?

These types of thoughts were really floating around and messing with my head a little while back and I kind of had a little cry in the practice room. Then a coach unnie walked in and I was soooo embarrassed! It was a full on ugly cry and everything! Ugh. Even just writing about makes me want to kick my blanket and scream!!

But coach unnie was really kind. I thought that she would scold me for being weak and tell me to quit if I cried that easily. Instead she gave me some tissues and talked with me.

"Would you compare a rose with a tulip? Each flower has its own set of requirements and time to make it mature and bloom beautifully. We humans are the same. Your journey is your own, trust in yourself that hardwork and dedication will get you to where you want."

I was like 'oh' when said that. Of course it still kind of stings to see the other trainees who are better than me but now I just have to remind myself that one day I will also be just as good. Better. But it's just not my time right now and I have to train harder to achieve my goal.

By the end of 2023 I will have improved my rapping! I will be better than I am at this moment in time. That's my promise to myself!

Kim Gaeun, fighting~!

[hayaku14]

hiii!! i think youve mentioned that you're not the biggest fan of receiving asks because they can be hard to respond to and i hope im not being a bother!! but id like to drop some kaishin brainrot here in ur inbox if thats alright! if not totally feel free to ignore this lol

a thought for the scrunklies... i cant stop thinking about shinichi getting affected by cases and their outcomes so i will apply this thought to kaishin: a victim who resembles kuroba in some away leaves a hard strain on shinichis heart.

kuroba doesnt know about this case, but he does pick up on the subtleties on how shinichi is way closer in proximity than usual. more cuddly, more clingy. perhaps after we could have some heist angst idk... but the thought of whatever causes the reaction isnt important. what's important is: shinichi's lips start to quiver and its unavoidable, he starts to sob in front of kuroba. heavy breathing and blotchy tears, hes clinging to kuroba with such a strong grip that it starts to physically hurt. one thing leads to another and shinichi ends up in his lap, clinging to him and quietly crying into his neck while kaito rubs his back, murming; "i love you, great detective," or "i know, i know. s'okay now..." kuroba never sees him cry so he eventually starts to silently cry too. they just end up sobbing into one another.

i need someone to envision this w me and youre the kaishin brainrot god soooo <3

WHAT?!?!? WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!!?!?!??!? Was it me? LOL.

Noooo, I LOVE asks!! Send them any time! It's not that it's hard to respond, it's just that I'm often late at replying lol so I feel bad about it but if you don't mind waiting for me to reply then ask away!!! (Speaking of, this is also kinda late I'm sorry lol ;-;)

I WILL NEVER IGNORE KAISHIN BRAINROT

AND OH MY GOD YOU SENT ME ANGSTY KAISHIN BRAINROT???? I FUCKING LOVE YOU ANON

I absolutely LOVE the idea of a case hitting a little too close to home for Shinichi. It's not just for Kaito too. There's a child kidnapping? He hangs out with the detective boys. There's a serial rapist going around that targets young women? He constantly checks up on Ran and Sonoko.

For Shinichi to break down like that though, he must've been building it up for quite a while. I can only imagine that it's an ongoing case with several victims already. All probably similar to Kaito.

Megure wants to take him off the case because he knows Kaito is his boyfriend but there's no way Shinichi is gonna stop trying to catch a criminal who's targeting people with the same profile as Kaito.

Kaito must've seen Shinichi deteriorate too. Long cases always take a toll on Shinichi but Kaito can see that this one is different. For one, Shinichi seems determined not to tell him details other than asking him to be more careful and to just take a cab if he's going home late (Kaito would’ve been insulted for the lack of faith if not for how worried and distraught Shinichi looked). There's also the increase of coffee intake, the sleepless nights. The nightmares. (Also the increase in skinship and clinginess like you said!! the image of clingy, worried, and upset shinichi is too cute i want it so much lol).

He’s clingy and attached to Kaito by the hip whenever he’s around but for some reason Shinichi can’t look at him in the eye for too long. How could he when every time he see Kaito he remembers the bloodied remains of several victims that looks like him? How could he when he isn’t even close to catching the murderer that threatens his whole world? How could he when every time he looks at Kaito’s eyes, so full of love and life, he can almost see them staring at him: unseeing, dull, and lifeless.

Shinichi is frustrated because cases that he’s involve in don’t usually last this long and for some reason it had to be a case where there’s an actual threat to the love of his life. He’s tired, upset, frustrated, and little desperate to catch this guy already cause he’s about to go out of his mind with worry.

It’s not that he doesn’t trust Kaito to take care of himself. He does. It’s what he loves about their relationship. It’s what helps him sleep at night. But being bombarded by images of lifeless bodies that resemble Kaito while helpless to actually do something about it is haunting Shinichi. He trusts Kaito, he does. But he also needs control. He has to find this guy and make sure no more harm will come to anyone else. Especially Kaito.

Maybe what triggers Shinichi's breakdown is Kaito finally confronting him about it. There’s no way Kuroba Kaito of all people would see this happening and not do an investigation of his own. Extracting information is as easy as breathing to him after all. He asks Shinichi’s friends. He digs around Division 1. He knows now why Shinichi is acting like this. But a part of him wants Shinichi to tell him himself. 

Still, Kaito would've brought it up sooner but this case was different that he was sure Shinichi would've deflected rather than communicated properly if he pushed. Kaito sees that it's gone too far though and decides to confront him. 

“Shinichi, you need to talk to me.”

“Talk about what?”

“I know about the case.”

Shinichi’s eyes widen for a second and looks away. Kaito reaches for Shinichi’s hands and squeezes.

“Shinichi, look at me.”

“Please?”

Shinichi turns to look. He’s unsure and unsteady but Kaito’s gaze holds him firmly in place. Kaito lets go of his hands to hold both of his cheeks in a gentle caress. For the first time in weeks, Shinichi lets himself sink deep into Kaito’s gaze.

“Hey,” Kaito says softly as if trying not to spook him, “I’m here. I’m safe. I promise I’ll be safe. So please? Talk to me, Shinichi.”

Like cracks on a dam, Shinichi’s eyes water. His are brows furrows deeply and his jaw shut tight in stubbornness but he holds Kaito’s gaze, not yet ready to turn away after weeks of depriving himself of deep vibrant blue. He tries to will the tears threatening to fall away but Kaito’s gaze is so warm and safe and so so alive that he couldn’t stop even if he tried.

“Oh Shinichi.” 

Kaito’s voice is soft and gentle but it pulls something deep in Shinichi. It’s too much. Shinichi’s lips quiver, closes his eyes, and finally lets his tears flow. 

And then after that is what you wrote!!! The part where Kaito wraps Shinichi in his arms and Shinichi starts sobbing and clinging onto him like a lifeline. Kaito whispering sweet nothings and reassurances that makes Shinichi hold onto him tighter. And when Shinichi chokes back his tears to whisper back, “I just...I can’t lose you, Kaito. I-I can’t,” Kaito finds himself fighting back his own tears.

AAAAHHHHH ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU FOR THIS GOOD FUCKING FOOD <3333333

[acefaun]

Hii!! I hope this request doesn't add any pressure on you. You see, I'm a fanfic writer—I aspire to be a published author one day as well—but lately I've been feeling a little down about my work. I like my writing, but I feel like if someone reads it, they'll puke from the sweetness. (I'm obsessed with poetic descriptions of love and affection. I can't help it. I like them.) So I was wondering how Scorpio would handle that (the whole insecurity thingy) if he was my boyfriend. (I've seen people requesting comfort pieces for Scorpio often, so if you're sick and tired of writing about the same character over and over again, don't push yourself!) And I'm a she/her (female) sooo... Yep :"D Thank you for your time!^^

Scorpio~ Insecurities

Synopsis: Ever since Scorpio first met MC, she was always working hard on something… But she never let him see what it was. Not to mention there were various times where he felt her insecurities seeping through her contact with him. Little did she know her boyfriend had experience with being insecure. Maybe there was some way for him to help her past hers. 

✨Masterlist✨

Female goldfish!

A/n: I’ve said this before, but the most important part about being a creator is creating things you enjoy. If you like it, then that’s all that matters. Since you’re aspiring to be a published author, let me offer you some life advice I learned in college! I went to college for art because that was my passion… but my art was different from everyone else's so I felt self-conscious working on projects and presenting them. But in the end, people ended up loving the way I did my art. It’s normal to feel insecure about something you made with your own hands, but there’s always going to be someone out there who’ll love what you do. 

And if you need emotional support, you can count on your friendly neighborhood zodiac! The plus side of the SCM fandom is that it’s small and supportive. So, we’ve got your back! 💖 We love you! Scorpio loves you too!

–Word Count: 4,535–

I sighed, the papers shuffling in front of me as I dropped my head onto my pillow. I stared at the printed sheets of writing, but the feeling of discontent was overwhelming in my chest. It wasn’t like I didn’t like what I had written. I mean, I proofread it several times and then additionally read it twice just because I couldn’t get over how well-written it was. I almost couldn’t believe that those words came out of my head and were put together legibly on paper. 

But as great as I felt about it, I absolutely couldn’t bring myself to even think about publishing it. It made me frustrated that it was just going to be another useless piece of writing in my binder.

*Click*

My head snapped up at the sound of the doorknob turning and I quickly shoved my arms on top of the binder to hide the word-vomit.

The door flung open, before closing a moment later. Scorpio stood in front of the closed door, his eyes trailing over my still form that hovered over a binder of papers. Still, he didn’t think too hard about it as he greeted, “You been waiting this whole time?”

“Uh, yeah,” I answered, gesturing for him to come closer. He didn’t need to stand at the door like a stranger. “But don’t worry about it. I was entertaining myself while waiting. Krioff told me you were still working in the Heavens soooo… I sort of just invited myself in. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. You're allowed in my room,” he hummed, making his way over to his desk. His eyes glanced back to my arms where I hid my binder underneath. Maybe it was something important that I couldn't share. “You were doing work?” He seated himself at his desk where he still had his own work to get through. 

I looked over to the window, wishing he wouldn’t have brought up my project so casually. I didn’t really want to discuss my story—whether I liked it or not; I wasn’t ready for other opinions. Besides, he was a god. I was sure he wouldn’t care for my human word-vomit. Still, I wouldn’t just ignore his question. “Sort of. How about you? I guess you’ve got a bit more papers to go through… considering that enormous pile on your desk.”

He didn’t look too pleased at the reminder that he had his own work to finish. He’d been working all day, only to come to his room on Earth and find me relaxed on his bed doing my own projects. His eyes squinted for a moment before he asked, “Is that comfortable?”

“Huh?” I faltered. “Is what comfortable?”

“Doin’ work in bed.”

I tilted my head, thinking about it for a moment. Work was comfortable in bed when I was typing everything on a laptop. I couldn’t say that writing while in bed was the most practical thing. After all, it was hard to proofread my paper and make corrections with a pen when lying down. But reading in bed was a whole other leisurely task. It was one of my preferred parts of the writing process. “It’s not the most convenient way to work,” I honestly answered him. “But if it’s just papers you’re reading then you can do that anywhere you want. But… from the looks of it, you have quite a bit of writing to do when it comes to your Punishment’s work.”

“Yeah,” he grumbled. He’d rather be doing anything else, but the faster he got through his work, the more time he’d have to spend with me. “It won't take long, but you can go back to whatever you were doing before.”

Scorpio had work to finish, so he couldn’t really pay much attention to me; but I also didn’t want to just pull out my papers and start going through them again. The last thing I wanted was for Scorpio to ask what I was doing—or worse, to read what I was writing. Besides, he was always complaining when I’d touch him and he’d overhear the fluffy thoughts going on in my head. If he saw all the cute crap I wrote then he’d probably spontaneously combust from embarrassment. Maybe someone like Dui or Partheno might appreciate my stories… but there was no way I’d ever really share them!

Besides, who would love the gushy, romantic, star-crossed fluff I wrote? The guys in the mansion would probably just tease me until the day I died… and no humans would be interested in my stories. Whether I wrote in fiction or nonfiction, nothing seemed right enough to publish. If I couldn’t figure something out soon, then I’d miss my opportunity to become an author… I wasn’t sure if I was more upset over people not getting to read my creations, or more terrified at the prospect of people not liking my work. Or was that even the problem at all? Was I just overthinking things? 

The entire time Scorpio did his paper-work, I laid there fuming as I stared out of the window. Well, in any case, I decided I couldn't make a decision on an empty stomach. Glancing over to Scorpio, he seemed intensely dedicated to his work. I suppose he had to be, being vice minister and everything. Maybe if I had his kind of determination, then I'd be able to get something done.

Of course, that was all going to wait until after I had a filling snack. Moving myself from the bed, I caught the attention of Scorpio, and I hastened to explain, “I'm going grab something to eat. I'll be right back.”

He muttered a quiet response, though I couldn't quite understand what he said. I took it as an acknowledgement as I left the room. He had quite the amount of work to finish. He deserved a snack for all his hard work as well! 

***

If he stared any harder, he was sure to burn holes right through his bed. But Scorpio couldn’t help it. I left my binder unattended on his bed with him in the room. He couldn’t decide if that meant I was okay with him looking through it or not. After all, would I have even left it there in his room in the open if I wasn’t okay with him looking at it? Besides, what could be so bad about what was inside of it?

The corners of his lips drew back in disapproval with himself. What if it was a diary? What if he only found things about himself in there? Would he be able to face me again if he found something he wasn’t supposed to see?

Then again, I also looked endlessly frustrated with the binder and its contents. There was the possibility of it being work-related; work tended to make him frustrated as well. But, on the other hand, there was the occasional time he remembered where he sensed insecurity coming off of me in waves. If he read what was in that binder, would he find out what I was so damn insecure about? Maybe that’s why I looked so frustrated!

Making up his mind, he hesitantly snatched the binder from the bed. He didn’t want to be a nosy boyfriend, but he already convinced himself that he was doing this to help me. Besides, if it was nothing to worry about, then he could just put it back on the bed and pretend nothing ever happened. I didn’t even need to know he touched the darn thing. 

The minute he turned to the first page in the binder, his door flung open, making him frantically move to shut the binder. However, in moving to toss it back to its place on the bed, he ended up throwing it out of desperation to not get caught going through my stuff. This, of course, only ended with the prongs of the binder exploding open and scattering my papers across his floor. 

He looked at the mess in speechless horror before turning to the door where his eyes narrowed at finding Ichthys standing there. Ichthys didn’t know what he just walked in on, but he felt like he should regret interrupting whatever Scorpio was doing. Scorpio’s hands were shaking in frustration as he shouted, “You stupid problem child! Learn how to knock on a damn door before you just barge in!”

Ichthys was speechless at gaining Scorpio’s ire so quickly today, but his eyes landed on the scattered papers and a smug grin crossed his face. “You were going through (Name)’s stuff.”

“I-” Scorpio faltered. Yeah, he was, but he wouldn’t let Ichthys know that. “I was just moving her stupid book! Get the hell out of my room!” Frantically he moved to pick up the mess. He didn’t need Ichthys seeing anything I had in there.

“Oh, yeah?” Ichthys continued, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. “You’re her boyfriend so I guess you would already know what’s in there, anyway. It’s not like she would show me and not the man she loves so much. After all, most of it’s about you. So, surely you’d already know about it!”

“What the hell,” he snapped, his sharp eyes returning to the childish god who was nonchalantly leaning against his door frame. “She let you read this crap she wrote?”

“Of course, of course.” Ichthys played it off very coolly, as if it were common knowledge—as if I let anyone read what was in the binder. But if it was about Scorpio, then surely he would have heard something by now—he would have at least been allowed to read it. Seeing Scorpio’s open distress when it came to me, Ichthys couldn’t help but prod a bit more, “You would never know how filthy a human’s mind is until she writes about everything her boyfriend does to her.” Ichthys held his breath, trying not to break his charade by laughing at how red Scorpio’s face was getting. “I’ll be on my way. Lots of work to finish!” 

“Wait!” Before Scorpio could make Ichthys stop, the damned fish was already escaping down the hall. Grumbling to himself, he swiftly piled up the various papers. None of them looked like they belonged together and he wasn’t sure what order to put them back in. It would take him forever to sort through this. I’d be back long before he could fix this mess. But… while he had this opportunity… he wanted to see what the hell Ichthys was talking about! 

He frantically started flipping back and forth through the scattered sheets looking for anything that might have reached the other gods, potentially embarrassing him. 

***

I had told Ichthys to go see if Scorpio was still doing his work or not. After all, I didn’t want to interrupt his work with rabbit apples. I knew very well that he’d neglect his work in favor of the snack. But Ichthys was grinning suspiciously when he walked back into the kitchen and my eyes narrowed on him. “Hey, what took you so long?”

Ichthys shrugged his shoulders, acting completely innocent despite the way he was close to cracking up laughing. “It’s just funny to see Scorpio slacking off. Geez, you surely have him all riled up, (Name).”

“I have him riled up?” I glared at him accusingly. “Did you play a prank on him? He was trying to do his work.” 

“Don’t be mad,” Ichthys pouted, sitting beside me with a sigh. “Alright, fine. I kinda startled him, but it wasn’t bad. He’s almost as bad a workaholic as Zyg. I bet he went right back to doing his work the minute I left. Oh, after cleaning up that big mess he made. I’ve never seen so many papers fly all over. That gives me a great idea for a new prank!”

I whined, bonking Ichthys on top of the head. “You startled him while he was doing his work? You’re honestly so mean to him. I bet he'll feel better with these rabbit apples. And no, you can't have one.” I knew Ichthys meant well with the other gods, but… he didn’t understand that they didn’t really share the same humor. I just hoped that whatever he did to Scorpio didn’t leave my boyfriend in a completely sour mood. 

Knocking gently, I let myself in the room, only pausing at hearing him curse. “Shit…” 

My surprised gaze landed on him, realizing that he looked as startled as I suddenly felt at seeing what he was looking through. Why did he have all of my papers scattered all over? “W- What are you doing?!” 

Despite looking so startled, he was able to give me a surprisingly clear answer, “The damn binder fell and everything popped out. I was trying to put it back together…” 

I sighed. He was a really shitty liar with me, but I wasn’t sure how to tell him that to his face. Instead, I pointed out, “It was on the bed… How did it just fall?”

Still, he had an answer for that as well. “I was moving it when that damn fish came into the room! Obviously, it was on my bed.” Was I suddenly telling him he couldn’t move things in his own room? But being met with the awkward silence, he realized that he clearly made me uncomfortable having overstepped his boundaries. Trying to break the tension, he asked, “You… Uh… You like this crap?” Immediately, his face suggested that those weren’t the words he wanted to use, and he winced. “I mean… you wrote all this?”

Of course, I did. Did it look like anyone else’s book? Besides, his expression told me he wasn’t pleased by what he had seen so far. Knowing he looked inside of my binder was embarrassing enough. I stuttered, “I… I think I forgot something in the kitchen.” I wasn’t lying to him any more than he was lying to me. Besides, why should I be worried about leaving him alone with my writing? He already started reading it. It wasn’t like he could make things worse.

I wasn’t sure who to really blame for this, him or Ichthys. Frustrated, I went straight to the balcony to stew on the situation alone. I didn’t need someone trying to comfort me when they didn’t understand what was going on in my head. But it wasn’t like this was a worst-case-scenario yet. I was just trying to avoid a worst-case-scenario by avoiding Scorpio. 

I knew I’d have to see him again eventually and face whatever he had to say. More than likely, he’d be as straight-forward and brusque as usual. As I was right now, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle that. I already felt insecure and self-conscious about my creations. Maybe this path wasn’t for me. Maybe I’d be better off finding a new passion to share with the world. Maybe… something that’d make me more useful. But the major damage was already done. My boyfriend had already gone through my work. Scorpio would probably never look at me the same again…

I groaned, burying my head in my hands. There was unlikely a way to salvage my situation. 

***

Scorpio didn’t know how to handle my sudden escape. He knew it was completely his fault. Besides, with everything he read so far, he sincerely doubted Ichthys was even telling the truth earlier. In fact, based on my reaction to him, Scorpio doubted I ever let Ichthys lay his grubby hands on this binder. He was just caught going through my belongings like some sort of untrusting loser of a partner. Not to mention, he’d ordinarily punish anyone else for trying this kind of thing. 

He couldn’t find anything in my writings to help enlighten him on how I was feeling, but doing a quick sweep of the mansion, he found me sitting out on the balcony, my head buried in my hands. He briefly wondered if I was crying, guilt tearing him up on the inside. He had to comfort me and make me feel better, but he was the reason I was feeling like this. How did he fix this kind of situation? He wasn’t sure, but maybe I’d give him a hint or two—or maybe I’d yell at him. He would prefer that to me ignoring him, at least. 

“Hey,” he called out quietly. The slight jump in my shoulders told him I heard him just fine. “I’m sorry for goin’ through your stuff. I shouldn’t’ve been snooping while you were gone. It wasn’t… private or anything… was it?” After all… I did leave it with him. Unless… I just really trusted him not to touch it. But I didn’t make that clear, so how was this his fault?!

“It’s nothing important,” I quietly responded, not betraying how important it was to me. 

Scorpio sighed, feeling bad for internally trying to push the blame onto me. He knew better. He knew me better. He walked out onto the balcony, taking a seat beside me on the bench. “You can pull that crap with the others. But that binder’s important to you. You wouldn’t be writing in it all the time for nothing. What’s it for?”

Silence filled the space between us, and for a moment Scorpio wondered if he was pushing my limits. Was he moving too fast? But to his relief, I answered, “It’s just some stuff I wrote. It’s not like I was writing for anyone else to read them.” Turning my head away from him, I added as a whisper, “Not like I wanna become an author…”

“Why?” Silence answered him. He pursed his lips, wondering if he should address the common-occurring emotions that welled in me. His fingers were barely brushing over mine, but he could feel the insecurities swarming in my head now more than ever. “It’s not that you don’t want others to read your work… You’re afraid to let them read it.” My sharp inhale told him he was right, considering he wasn’t usually the most emotionally observational person. “You seem like you really enjoy it. And it’s not bad,” He admitted his feelings on the matter. “I’m sure there would be other humans that’d like it as much as you do.”  

I scoffed, not believing him for one second. He was just pulling this stuff out of thin air to comfort me. “How’d you know? It’s not like you know what humans like.”

“Your work is original,” he snipped back, though it wasn’t quite as sharp as the jab that I had just given him. “It’s not like you know what those greedy humans wouldn’t like. They could love your shit, but you’d never know because you don’t share it.”

I fell silent again. I didn’t think he’d be so passionate about my writing… It made me feel vaguely warm inside to know that he cared so much about something that I should have considered a hobby instead of a career choice. Still, I wasn’t putting my defenses down just yet. I wanted more information. “Why do you care so much about me sharing my writing? You don’t even like it.”

“No,” he quickly denied that statement. Sure, it wasn’t something he would usually spare time to read, but it wasn’t bad. He may have been biased, but he appreciated my writing. “You made it yourself; why shouldn’t I like it?”

“Who made it is irrelevant. What if I published it anonymously? Would you be saying these same things if I just happened to be collecting writings I liked, and that binder wasn’t filled with a single original thing from me?”

“Tch,” he scoffed, getting fed up with this back and forth arguing. Besides, I only seemed to be getting as fired up as he was. “You think I’m lying to you for the hell of it? I’d tell you it was shit if I felt like it was shit. But your writing is good, regardless of if you think there's more you need to learn or not.” His words grew sharper, emphasizing his point. “Why do you hate it so much?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond to him for a moment. I didn’t hate it. In fact, I loved it so much that I didn’t want other people to make me hate it. I was afraid that it might become something I’d despise. What if I loved my work so much that I couldn’t see the fault in it? I was even more biased than Scorpio… But I had more reason to be afraid than Scorpio did. It was my work, not his. 

Seeing me struggling, Scorpio sighed. “I know… It’s hard to overcome self-doubt and insecurities that you can’t put a name to.” 

“Then why are you trying to push me?”

“Because sometimes we need to be pushed.” His hand wrapped gently around mine, as I glanced over at him. He sounded familiar with this… and it drew my curiosity as he started explaining, “I didn’t think I’d make it as a god. I was always used to taking orders and doing things in a structured way… Kind of like how you humans do things at schools and then are automatically expected to integrate into a completely different adult-human world.”

I muttered, “Why is that accurate…?”

“Zyglavis pushed me until I realized I was good at my job and I became his vice minister.” His eyes trailed over me, hanging onto his every word like a valuable life lesson. “You seem uncertain, like me… and I thought reading your stuff would help.” 

“Did it?”

“No.” He grumbled, upset that he found nothing useful to help me. But here, holding hands with me, he figured a few things out. “I can read you better than some book. But there are some things I can’t figure out even through touching your hand or reading your stuff. I wanna know what you’re looking for.”

I paused. “Looking for?” That’s such a vague question.

“What do you want?” He tried to reword his troublesome question. He’d give me the world if that’s what I wanted, but he knew my desires were more simple than that. There was something I wanted that I was afraid to reach for and he at least wanted to try and get me where I wanted to go. “You think insecurity is all I feel from you? You have some kind of ambition behind it.” His eyes were glued to me, waiting for my response. 

My eyes flitted back to him for a moment. He wasn’t staring me down, which probably made it easier to answer him. “I want to write… I want to be an author. I want people to read my writing and like it. I just…”

“I know.” He didn’t need me to repeat how self-conscious I was about my work. He knew that much. “I can help you.”

“Huh?” Instantly I was alarmed at the suggestion. “No way! I can’t use your powers for this. If you use your powers, then it’ll be like I cheated. You- We can’t-”

“Who said I was using my powers?” He watched as I tried to calculate his meaning in my head. “If you’re not feeling confident to publish anything, why don’t you let us read them first and give our feedback?”

“But you guys are old!” I clammed up after my sudden exclamation. “I mean- You’re not old old. Just… Older… Uh…” I faltered. “It’s just that you guys have been alive for so long. And gods like Hue read all the time. So… I can’t help but think that my writing would be underwhelming for gods who have been reading for hundreds of thousands of centuries.”

“You think there’s any one right way to do something?” His eyebrows furrowed together. He had a point… “I don’t do punishments the same as Zyg but that doesn’t mean I’m not any better at my job. Your writing is different because it’s yours.” He felt like he was just repeating himself over and over… But I looked like I was genuinely considering his words. If this was my dream, then he’d do his best to make sure I could accomplish it. He’d take down any obstacles in my way—even if it meant he needed to rope in those other guys.

One thing I was certain of… was the fact that Scorpio was sticking firmly to his beliefs. Still, it’d take me a bit more time before I was ready to handle discussing my work with another person. I let out a sigh, coming to a hesitant decision. “Scorpio…” He waited patiently for my decision with bated breath. Though, I wasn’t ready to agree or disagree with him. “Can you help me fix my binder first?”

His lips curled up into a rare smile. I didn’t immediately reject his idea, and it seemed like I was giving it some thought. Letting him help me fix my binder was already a step in the right direction. “Sure, I’ll help.”

[fickle-minded-heart-3d]

Idk. Idk

I have done omad for two days, but I haven't lost a lot of weight. Like 200 g per day. Unacceptable!!!

I did kind of binge a little bit today. Like nothing too damaging, I mean I still feel like crap but it could have been worse.

I feel terrible, my head hurts and my leg hurts and I'm full of bruises.

I did get some blood work done last week and I'm actually ok. Like every thing is on the normal range so that's fantastic.

Still... more and more I feel without any sort of energy or will to live. I don't know if it's depression or lack of nourishment or the fact that my life is a mess. I'm just tired.

I've been exercising for 3 years 6 times a week and when I'm exercising I feel good and when I'm done I feel good, but lately It's soooo difficult to start, like it takes me an hour or two to change and actually start and it's frustrating.

Also I haven't have a chance to talk with W. It's so frustrating every time someone or something gets in the way and sometimes I feel like it must be some sort of sign from the universe idk.

I'm just sad.

[myfunnydiary04]

Online diary entry #1, June 21st, 2022

Hi. I'm gonna tell you about today in a bit, but before, I'll tell you what bothers me a lot right now. I can't tell my best friend, because she's gotten tired of me talking about boys so much, I feel like, and I just have to tell SOMEBODY because I'm going insane. So I was casually watching a German series on Netflix, right? Just sitting, wasting my time..and I remembered about the post I made earlier on Instagram, just a photo dump of today, since I was bored..and I looked at my phone and I saw that V liked my post. T didn't like it yet, but I don't know that I care about him anymore. And P, well..I'll always care about P, but that's besides the point. I'm happy that they liked it, but it's making me so mad and guilty that now I can't get V out of my mind, AGAIN, and I have Troye Sivan's "Only fools" playing in my head on repeat. V and T are friends and it's not right that I caught feelings for T's friend when T thinks I like him and he likes me back. I feel so bad, but V's just....AGRH!! He's too good to be true. I just really hope that the rumours aren't true and that he's not into guys. Or that he's also into girls. Ugh, this makes me sound awful, and I'm not representing my community like I should, being pansexual, but I just..I couldn't ever be just friends with him!!!! He's lovely. He's so nice and so open and talkative and friendly, and I know I said this for P, also, but if he asked me for the Moon, I'd dedicate the rest of my life to trying to give it to him. By the way, did I tell you that P has a little girlfriend, again? She's like 2 or 3 years younger than him..not that it would matter in real life but is it not weird for you to be with a 14 year old? What was wrong with me, I was a few months older and some cm way too short? Anyhow, I'm over that now, so we shall move on from the subject of boys because I'm getting frustrated.

So hear this instead: My day? B o r i n g. Really boring. I was kinda motivated this morning to get my life together, but it went away as quickly as it came. You kinda need money to get your life together and I don't have that...or the mental state, but that is very much besides the point..Did you know how expensive is a visit to a very, very good dentist? Hell, my sister paid such good money for my dentist appointment yesterday, FOR ONLY ONE TOOTH, I might become a dentist myself, just for the funding of other projects.

But anyhow..I didn't do anything today. I started watching that German series I mentioned earlier and that I don't know the name of, but I figured that since I took to studying German by myself, it would do me good to get familiarized with it. And it's good, too. And the guy there, Dominik..my GOD, he's so pretty. So, soooo beautiful. If the show wasn't already in German, I'd watch it just for him.

Also, quick reminder for me...read more. Just read whatever, really, whatever you like, but read. Please, read. :(

Yeah so..it's 22:45. It's not late at all, but I'm sleepy and I know my exhaustion isn't physical, since I've been sitting around..for a big part of my life. It's mental, and it's bothering me a lot, because I don't know how to rest my mind or my soul or even just how to trick my mind into thinking that my life is real, because it really doesn't feel like it is. It's like a badly directed, badly scripted short film that is so bad, you just keep wondering "WHEN WILL THIS END?!", but it doesn't end if you keep asking yourself that, because it's only been 5 minutes since it started. I feel like crying and screaming and yelling and kicking everything that touches me, and I don't even know why. I'm don't feel sad. I just feel...empty. Personally, I think it's the ADHD. Or the OCD. I think I forgot my point. I'll just..yeah, I'll go on with..telling you about my day. So I sat and felt ill and empty and I ate and sat some more and then, I ate some ice cream that I didn't even really like, and I ate a lot of it, and why? Well, I was bored. And a little miserable, to be fair, but you know..I'm always bored and miserable so it doesn't even count anymore, right? After that, I took some pics, again out of boredom but also because I'd like some memories, some cute ones, and my hair was looking quite good because of a shampoo bar I bought yesterday. Very nice stuff. After that, I watched Netflix. Now it's somehow almost 1 AM, so you can see how much Netflix I watched. I'm so tired I could cry. Does that even make sense? I'd like to cuddle with my dog and just cry my eyes out, but my mom won't let me take him inside. It's ok, though..I'm used to it.

I didn't say all that I had to say, but I'll come back tomorrow. Until then, you are all invited to my crying fest. And, if anyone is ever gonna read this..you're the best. Good night or good morning or whatever. Take care. <3

[piplupod]

hi time for my nightly vent but this one is a different flavour bc im feeling different brand of bad than usual 🙂 dont rb lol

[kyswoo]

Happier // Sohn Youngjae

masterlist 🌸

pairing: eric x reader

genre: fluff, angst, friends to lovers to exes

warnings: just a lot of stress i think?

summary: Eric cares about you a lot, so much he is willing to hurt you if it means you will succeed.

word count: 3.7k

a/n: this story in my head was soooo long, I tried to not get too carried away but..... and the dividers are a time cut

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

"y/n wake up!"

Your friend pratically yelled in your ear while shaking you, you raised your head and opened your eyes slowly to get used to the bright light of the room.

"what now Eric?" you said rubbing your eyes

"class is over" you looked around and saw all the seats empty, so you rushed to put all your stuff in your bag "you look really tired, are you ok?"

"yeah, I just studied till late last night so I couldn't sleep much" you stood up taking your backpack

"let's go eat something, I'll pay" he grabbed the backpack from your hand before you could put it on and walked towards the door.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

"don't push yourself too much ok?" he said while playing with his food

"don't worry about me" you smiled to reassure him

"how many hours are you sleeping?" you looked down at your food

"sleep? what is that?" you giggled trying to joke but he didn't laugh, he just kept staring at you

"you're gonna get sick this way"

"my parents keep telling me if I don't study I can't get into a med school"

"but you can still rest, you know that if you don't get proper sleep it won't do any good too" you took a bite of your food, not being able to look at him because you knew he was right

"what about you?" you asked trying to change the subject

"well.. my dad wanted me to be a lawyer like him so he still can't accept that I want to do music" he sighed and smiled "but I don't care, I will do it anyways"

You smiled at him, you wished you could be like him, go against your parents will, just like nothing else matters.

You didn't want to be a doctor, you felt sick just by the thought of seeing blood, but your parents wanted you to be one just like them, you were afraid of disappointing them so you just did what they told you to, not having the courage to tell this to anyone.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Eric took you home and you went straight to your desk opening your books, wondering what time you would be able to go to bed this time.

You looked at the clock and it was almost 11pm, you saw your screen turning on showing a message notification

~can you come down real quick? I want to give you smth

You smiled at your phone and typed a quick yes taking your coat and opening the door.

"where are you going?" your mom asked sitting on the couch

"just going to see a friend"

"a friend? who is it?" she asked standing up

"Eric, he is down here so it's not going to take too long" you walked to the door when you realised she was getting annoyed

"no, it's too late, just go back to your room, you can't get distracted like this!"

"it's going to be quick I swear" you snorted leaving the apartment frustrated, going down the stairs completely ignoring your mom telling you to come back.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

"hey..sorry for calling you so late" Eric said when you approached him

"it's fine, I just need to go back quickly or my mom will eat me alive" you both giggled and Eric raised a bag to you

"here, so you don't get sick" you took the bag looking inside "get some proper rest this time ok?"

"I'll try.." you looked at the floor, knowing that wasn't going to happen so soon

"okay then.. that's all, you can go back now" you nodded walking back

"thank you for these" you said pointing to the bag

He nodded and waved at you smiling, you got back inside and went straight to your room to avoid your mom yelling at you, you took the vitamins and medicines from the bag smiling because of his kindness.

"are you free this weekend?" he asked you while sitting on your desk

"hm.. I think I'm going to study"

"you study all the time, one day is not going to make a huge difference come on" he said whining

~I need to talk to you

"fine" you answered giggling

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

You were heading to a library to study when your phone buzzed, you looked at the message on your phone and by the way he wrote it, it seemed serious making you frown.

You texted him telling where you were and he got there a few minutes later grabbing your wrist and taking you somewhere else so he can talk properly with you

"you okay?" you asked since he looked really nervous

"hm yeah I just.." he looked away and took a deep breath "I just can't keep it as a secret anymore but I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just go straight to the point"

You nodded and smiled so he knows you are listening, he took another deep breath before looking at you.

"I really.. like you.." your smile faded slowly since it took you by surprise, still trying to process what he just said, you never expected that he liked you back .

"what's with that reaction?" he looked worried seeing your expression "if... you don't like me back you can just forget what I said, I only told you because it was killing me inside and I-"

"no, that's not it!" you cutted him when you came back to reality "I.. like you too" you smiled looking down since you got shy after saying it out loud to him

He smiled and cupped your face raising your head to make you look at him again without saying anything, kissing you after a few seconds.

"I can't understand this, I think I'll just give up and fail this test" he told you dropping his pen and laying back on the chair, you promised him you would help him study for a test so you were both at you house with a bunch of opened books in front of you

"come on Eric, you can't give up like that" you said tapping his shoulders

"I'm not as smart as you, this is too hard for me"

You giggled but before you could answer you heard the front door opening, indicating your parents arrived home calling your name, you sighed just to the thought of them seeing Eric there, but there was nothing you could do now.

"oh.. who is this?" your dad asked looking at Eric smiling

"hi I'm Eric" he said standing up and bowing to them

"so he is Eric" your mom said putting her purse on the table and looked at him "well I won't bother your studies anymore" she smiled and went to her room

"they seem nice" Eric told to you when you were alone again

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

You closed the door after Eric left, stretching your back after sitting for so long. You were organizing all the books scattered on the table to take it to your room when you heard your mom calling you.

"are you two dating?" you just nodded still piling the books "I don't think he is good enough for you, he will just distract you"

You suddenly stopped and looked at her in disbelief, scoffing right after and turning your attention back to the books

"I'm just saying this because I want what's best for you and it's better if you break up with him now so you can focus on your future only" you grabbed the books and looked at her

"that's not happening mom, and he is good enough for me" you said and walked to your room not wanting to hear what she had to say anymore

You stepped into his house, even though you were friends for a while before this was the first time you went there. He guided you to his room, it was full of cds and posters on his wall and you remembered how you two enjoyed spending hours inside a music store.

"want to hear the song I made?" he asked smiling and you nodded excited to hear it.

He took the guitar next to his bed and sat on his chair.

He played the chords and started singing, his sweet voice and melody blessing your ears but he suddenly stopped when the door opened.

"I told you to stop-" he was pratically yelling but stopped when he saw you "who are you?" he asked with a cold tone staring at you

"this is y/n dad, be nice to her" he answered before you could even move

"I already told you to stop doing this and focus on studying.. your grades keeps dropping" he said ignoring what Eric just said, but not yelling this time

"and I already told you this is what I love, I can't just stop doing this" you stayed there in silent just watching them arguing not knowing what to do.

"I- I think I should go" you said taking your stuff and excusing yourself

"wait I'll take you home" he stood up and took your hand, taking you out of there as quick as possible 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

"I'm sorry about that.."

"are you okay?" you asked while you were walking to your place

"yeah... I'm used to it already" he sighed and looked at you "I need to do well and succeed so I can prove him he is wrong"

He smiled and intertwined your fingers looking forward, you looked down thinking to yourself what you should do with your life.

"are you okay? you're quieter than usual"

"I wish I could be like you" he looked at you raising his eyebrows

"like me?" he scoffed thinking you were joking to make him feel better

"yeah.. you're not afraid to confront your dad and you're doing what you love" 

"but I am also failing cuz I only want to do this, you don't have to worry about it because you're a good student" he said making you giggle

"my grades are falling tho... but good grades are not everything too, it never made me any happier" you started feeling down so you just looked at the floor, Eric looked at you with a worried expression letting go of your hand and wrapping his arms around you

"I'll make you happier then" he said giving a peck on your temple making you smile

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Eric went back home and went straight to his room seeing his guitar was not where he left, he started looking everywhere in his house but he could not find it.

"are you looking for something?" his dad asked making him realise he did something to it

"what did you do with my guitar?"

"I threw it away, maybe this way you'll realise it was just a waste of time" he said turning his back to Eric

"I should have imagined, it actually took you too long to do this right?" Eric said frowning to his dad "you think this is going to stop me? I can just buy another one"

Eric felt a sharp pain on his left cheek making him stumble, his dad adjusted his posture and took a deep breath.

"if you want to ruin your life then go ahead"

Eric was so angry he gritted his teeth trying to calm down, he looked at his dad not hiding his frustration before turning his back and opening the door to leave.

"but don't ruin their life, you are just going to waste their time too"

Eric was so mad he didn't give much attention to what he said and just slammed the door.

He was just walking to clear up his mind and calm himself down, but now his dad's last words were echoing inside his head, he remembered you saying your grades were falling and now he thinks it's his fault, the last thing he wants is you not achieving your goals because of him.

"why aren't you studying?" your dad asked when he opened the door and saw you laying down on your bed

"I was a few seconds ago, I'm just taking a break" you said not bothering looking at him

"your grades are falling because you keep slacking off like this" he said shaking his hands in frustration

"my grades are falling because I get too tired and can't focus in class" you sat turning to face your dad "how can I study if can't even stay awake?"

"that's just an excuse go back to your studies now, how are you going to get into a med school like this?" he tsked turning his back to you about to leave your room making you clench your teeth.

"I'm not" you don't even know were you got the courage to say it but it just got out with your stress, your dad stopped at the door and turned his head to you

"You're not.. what?" he asked frowning

"I'm not going to a med school.. that's what you want not me" you told him, you were shaking not knowing how he was going to react, but you didn't make it too obvious

He looked at you speechless with a shocked expression, he just stared at you for a few moments and sighed deeply

"I'm really disappointed with you" he said before closing the door

You relaxed your shoulders and left out a breath you didn't know you were holding, you thought you would be upset, but for some reason you weren't, maybe because you already expected it, maybe because you finally told him and took this weight off of you, you didn't feel bad but actually you felt relieved.

"hey Eric!" you said approaching him "you didn't answer any of my messages these days, is everything ok?"

"y/n" he said in a serious tone, since you two started dating he usually called you by cute nicknames so hearing him call you by your name made you worry.

"what's wrong?"

"this is not going to work" he said looking down, not being able to look at you in the eyes

"what are you talking about?" you asked confused

"us... we want different things in life, we can't focus on it if we stay together" you both stayed in silence for a few minutes, none of you could raise your heads to look at each other.

"but.. I don't want-"

"I need to succeed y/n, I need to prove my dad wrong and I can't do it if I'm with you, you distract me too much" Eric stepped away cutting you mid sentence

"I'm just a distraction? I don't mean anything else to you?"

"starting dating you was a stupid thing to do.. I don't love you enough for this..." he said making you speechless, he didn't want to say that, he didn't mean it, he never wanted to hurt you, but he thinks this is the only way he won't stand in your way.

You felt tears threatening to fall and right now you refused to cry in front of him, you pressed your lips trying to hold it and just muttered a "sure", turning your back and heading home as fast as you could.

Eric sat down devastaded, he couldn't hold his tears back, he was just as hurt as you were, he keeps telling himself that it was the right choice, you were his world and now he lost you, hope it was worth it.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

You got home and tried to rush to your room so you could cry alone, but your mom saw you before you could close the door

"you ok?" she asked patting your back

"sure mom.. me and Eric broke up and that's what you wanted right? are you happy now?"

You closed the door before she could say anything and leaned on it, now allowing your tears to fall, you felt your body getting weaker so you just sat down on the floor.

You were at your favorite cafe trying to come up with an idea for your project, it's been 3 years since you last spoke to Eric and he left a big empty space inside you.

After you told your dad, he obviously told your mom and they yelled at you a lot, but at that time you already made up your mind. It took them some time to accept it, they tried to make you change your mind several times but eventually they got used to the idea of you being a artist.

One of your friends from college sat down in front of you after going to the bathroom, he took his phone out and started texting someone.

"hey what do you think about going on a blind date?" he asked looking at you quickly just to see your reaction, turning his attention to the phone right after

"nah..not interested" you replied shaking your head

"are you going to be single forever?" he asked tilting his head to look at you, you ignored his question focusing again on your sketches "well anyways, he is a friend of mine, it will be tomorrow at 7pm, dress nicelly okay?"

"I said I'm not interested Sunwoo" you said stopping what you were doing to look at him

"and I said dress nicely, it's settled already" he smiled to you standing up and taking his bag "he is nice I swear, don't make him wait too long ok?"

He winked at you before leaving you talking alone, you sighed laying your back on your seat looking at nowhere snorting.

"what are you doing here?" you asked when you opened the door and saw Sunwoo there

"I thought it would be better to come here and make sure you are going to the date" he replied stepping inside your apartment

"I don't wanna go" you whined while throwing yourself on the couch

"just give him a chance come on, if it goes bad you can hit me later" he said standing in front of you, you looked at him and stayed in silent for a few seconds thinking about it

"fine.. " you stood up going to your room to get ready, you saw your friend smiling and sitting on your couch crossing his legs

"I'm starting to think this wasn't a good idea" you said while he drove you to your date

"too late now" he giggled "you're gonna be fine, trust me"

You rolled your eyes one last time before you arrived to the place, Sunwoo leaned on top of you to open your door, making a gesture for you to get out without saying anything.

"oh by the way." he said sliding his window down, making you turn your head to look at him "his name is Youngjae"

You opened your mouth but before you could say anything else he waved at you and left. You stepped into the cafe, it was almost empty besides a group of friends and a guy sitting at the corner.

You approached him and called his name to see if it was the guy you were supposed to meet, he turned around to look at you and you both got speechless.

"wait.. Sunwoo sent you here?" he asked and you just nodded, he pressed his lips for a few seconds "well since we are here already let's at least eat something"

He stood up pulling the chair for you to seat before going to order something, you were so used to call him Eric you forgot his real name is Youngjae, he looked the same but at the same time looked so different from what you remembered. 

"here" he said putting a cake in front of you and sitting on his chair "you like this right?"

You nodded and started eating the cake, not knowing what to say to him after so long without seeing each other and he wasn't any different.

"so.." he said trying to break the awkward silence "what are you doing now? did you got into a med school?"

"no" you said shaking your head making him look confused at you

"really? but you are so smart..."

"I didn't want it" you gave him a weak smile "I wanted to be an artist"

"oh I didn't know.. I hope you're doing well then" he smiled, a smile you missed so much

"I actually wanted to tell you that day..." you pressed your lips, not wanting to bring this memory back and you also saw him looking down "anyways! how is your music going?" you said quickly changing the subject

"it's going really well actually, I got to sing in a few events and maybe I'll even sign with a record label" he smiled again and you could see his eyes brighten up as he speak making you smile too without even noticing.

You two went back to silence once again, you took another bite from your cake trying to come up with something to say, but the only thing that came to your mind was questions about that day, it always felt wrong the way you two got separated, but you were too hurt at that time to think about it.

Eric also was thinking about a way to bring it up, he wanted to apologize and explain everything, but he didn't know how, maybe you already got over it and talking about it would only bring the pain back.

"I'm sorry.." was the only thing he managed to say, you looked at him and you knew what he was talking about.

"did you actually meant it? that day.."

"of course not.." he said looking down

"then why?"

"I felt like I was holding you back.." he looked back at you "I wanted you to succeed too"

"you never held me back.. you were the one who gave me energy when I needed..." you frowned feeling tears building up

"I'm so sorry.. I thought I was doing what was best for you when I just didn't want to feel guilty if you didn't made it, it was selfish.. I'm sorry.." he could also feel his tears threatening to fall "I just hope you don't hate me after all..."

"not gonna lie, it hurted a lot... but I could never hate you" 

"I'm sorry, I said I would make you happy but I only caused you pain.." he looked down trying to hide the tear running through his cheek but you still saw it

"it's all past now right?" you smiled softly and he nodded giving you a weak smile

"we can make it right now" he wiped the tears and looked at you "if you want to.. of course" 

"yeah.. we can"

[1eos]

One of the most frustrating things about being a 20 year old who is more or less over my teen years , is that most of the new lgbt books coming out are so fixated on like childhood and school and like. I'm tired of it yknow? I need an lgbt book that's light-hearted but not about children,I want LGBT authors to like focus on their teen years less and write about adulthood more.

There's only so many times that I can read the classics before I start being desperate for something new. I have found a few lgbt books that are set in actual adulthood, but given the vast expanse of LGBT books now too many of them are about the teen years.

ikrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. you know how they say racial diversity is always seen as a young adult thing now bc its a trend for white ppl to include poc even tho writers of color have always been writing abt non white ppl? i feel like lgbt lit is getting that treatment too with the added thing of light hearted stories being seen as for teenagers for some reason? i have so much more success with age appropriate reading by finding books abt an intracommunity issue and the characters happen to be gay rather than the story centering on being lgbt. like it’s crazy 😭 i remember being in college not even 20 yet trying to find fun lgbt books at the library nd being soooo turned off bc everything was abt highschool. girl i JUST left that. like i was in my late teens sick of YA FKFAKFKAKFK.

anywaysss i really do hope we get a big boom in adult lit that’s not just mysteries 😞 cuz lgbt adulthood is literally such a rich vein for hijicks nd drama and its like yeah we need diverse stories for youth but ummmm lgbt kids grow up to be lgbt adults so like…..they gone need something to read then…….