#i'm nh trash

[wangxianficfinder]

In the mood for...

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1. Hi. Thank you for the last itmf, the recommendations made me cry. Again thanks to the hard work of the mods.

Right now for itmf I'm looking for fanfics where Wei Wuxian says "fuck it" to the cultivation world and everyone think "Good riddance" just to end up regretting. Extra points if LWJ goes with him or call out everyone. Similar to "The Line Between Good and Evil" by Dandelion_sama ( Really good fic) @anime-trash-parody

you've heard that melody before by Stratisphyre (M, 65k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, POV Multiple, Multiple Canon Character Deaths, Depictions of depression, Light Dom/sub, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Twin Prides of Yúnmèng Dynamics) maybe? people don't say "good riddance" b/c he cast some sort of blanket amnesia spell, but they SURE DO REGRET IT

wide enough and wild by impossibletruths (E, 64k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Getting Together, Canonical Accidental Baby Acquisition, Families of Choice, References to Depression, Happy Ending, I Swear To God I’m Giving Them A Happy Ending, Overzealous Use Of Imagery, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Well Except WN But He Was Already Dead So, Fix-It of Sorts) he does go back

The Line Between Good and Evil by Dandelion_sama (G, 34k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, What-If, Rebirth, Time Travel, kind of Mass Reborn, reverse uno, Canon-Typical Violence, WIP)

The Best I Can by Zephyr (ZephyrAndTheSilverfish) (T, 26k, LJY & WWX, wangxian, WWX talking to his donkey, Canon Divergence, Light Angst, Drama, Recovery, Coming of Age, Secret Identity Fail, Friendship, Rogue Cultivator LWJ, Road Trips, POV Multiple, Happy Ending)

focal, filler, and line by bosbie (T, 26k, wangxian, canon divergence, flower shop au, fluff, hurt/comfort, pining, falling in love, WWX is not recognized in Dafan mountain, slice of life, WIP)

🔒 My Reason To Live by HeloSoph (Not rated, 3k, LSZ & WWX, Post-First Siege of the Burial Mound, Child LSZ, He's actually a Wei..., Suicidal Thoughts, Not Cultivation world friendly, Not JC friendly, not NMJ friendly, not LQR friendly, not JGS friendly, YLLZ WWX, WWX Deserves Better, And this time... he knows this..., A-Yuan is the best boy, Parent-Child Relationship, Parent WWX, BAMF WWX, wwx and a-yuan leave the BM..., WWX Leaves The Cultivation World, and they set on a journey to find a new home...)

And They Have Escaped The Weight of Darkness by cosmicmilktea (T, 10k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Memory Loss, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Screw the Cultivation world tbh, The Lan precepts deserves better, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, domestic life, Social justice boyfriends wangxian, Happy Ending)

Home isn’t Where the Heart is. by Hauntcats (Not Rated, 7k, WangXian)

Lay my body down by tawaen (M, 48k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Eventual WangXian, No Golden Core Transfer, Not Cultivation World Friendly, Canon-Typical Violence, Not Jiāng Chéng Friendly)

( 🔒 but I'm not in charge of sorrow (so please don't ask me when) by Tavina (M, 75k, NHS & NMJ, NHS & OCs, LXC & NHS, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Passive Suicidal Ideation, Found Family, Unconventional Families, Families of Choice, Post-Canon, Post-Guānyīn Temple Scene, What’s a Reconciliation Anyway?, Internalized Acephobia, Depression, Mental Health Issues, An Absolute Boatload of Nie OCs, Background characters and relationships, Intergenerational Trauma, the Horrific Persistence of Memory, NHNS Needs a Hug, NMJ is dead even when he's alive, JGY is also dead but like you get the impression he used to be alive, Sometimes 'just walk out' IS the answer, Non-Chronological, lots of people are dead in this fic and this fic is about why it's not okay) If you’d like another character doing the same thing, ie fucking off and leaving the cultivator world )

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2. Helloooo, can I have for the next ITMF some fics with something like ghost WWX? I know there's a tag but I've seen some fics where the authors don't tag them with that, and some where he's not actually a ghost (more like a memory or apparition?) that shows up randomly in the cultivation world. Both work for me (just no JC bashing please!). Thank you! @jiangclaritybell

🧡 Ghosts Shouldn’t by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 15k, WangXian, Grief/Mourning, Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending)

asymptotic by chinxe (T, 26k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Misunderstandings, Pining, for 20+ years as per the course with lwj)

🔒 The Time Traveler's Soul by mondengel (Not rated, 2k, wangxian, time travel, podfic by flamingwell)

🔒 scatter and sunder by silversshadow (T, 15k, XuanLi, WangXian, Temporary Character Death, Canon Divergence)

Teatime with the Dead by Winxhelina (T, 6k, wangxian, Ghost WWX, Love Confessions, Kisses, Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst,bGhost City)

one good thing by Yuu_chi (T, 26k, WangXian, Modern AU, Ghost WWX, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, I swear there really is a happy ending, And an alarming amount of rabbits, [Podfic] One Good Thing by jellyfishfire)

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3.

Are there any fics which feel like this?

Or where wwx feels like this?

Thankyou very much

Also all these arts are by Ibuki Satsuki @constellationdks

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4. Hi! I’m looking for fics where wwx cries in the middle of the night and lwj comforts him and vise versa maybe they woke the other up bc they were sobbing. Wangxian hugs and having emotional intimacy each other. Thank you!

hunters seeking solid ground by Attila (E, 23k, WangXian, Canon Compliant, discussion of canon character death, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, bed sharing, Getting Together, Yearning, Literal Sleeping Together, Really Excessive Amounts of Hurt/Comfort) here's a GREAT fic that's all about that

hold me close by gentil-minou (Flyingsuits) (E, 13k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Porn with Feelings, Emotional Sex, Grief, Mental Health Issues, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Character Study, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Anal Sex) If I may plug my own fic, there's a scene where lwj wakes from a nightmare and cries and wwx comforts him

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5. inmf lwj whump. the heavier, the better. happy ending appreciated, but not necessary. Physical whump is nice, but ain't picky. Thank you for the hard work! @jawla-mukhi

Stained With Blood and Tears by FaramirsBlessing (G, 63k, wangxian, LXC/JC, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst w Happy Ending, Hurt LWJ, Doctors & Physicians, Chinese medicine, Medical Procedures, Major Character Injury, Injury Recovery, Pet Names, People cry, Bedside Vigils, nobody dies tho, Sad WWX, Night Hunts, Post-Canon, JC is a good brother, Poisoning, Forehead Kisses, Hair Braiding, Hair Brushing, WWX loves his husband's hair okay, Cuddling & Snuggling, Delirium, mix of novel and series, so much hand holding, Chaste Kisses, resentful energy, the juniors ship all the adults, they are the humor in this tbh, PTSD, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian)

New Perspective Series by mrcformoso (T, 35k, WangXian, Angst, Hopeful Ending, Fatherhood, Regrets, Flashbacks, POV LWJ, LWJ-centric, Canonical Character Death - WWX, Pining LWJ, LWJ Has Feelings Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī Needs a Hug, Character Development, Dead WWX, Introspection, LWJ is Bad at Feelings, Character Study, Regretful, LWJ Breaking Toxic Cycles, Canon Compliant, LWJ in Seclusion, Post-LWJ in Seclusion, Child LSZ)

a buried and burning flame by otherhippo (hippopotamus) (T, 17k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kinda dark?, Angst with a Happy Ending, does it count as bedsharing if theres...no bed, Imprisonment, Hurt/Comfort)

Across the street to another life by danegen (M, 99k, WangXian, Modern AU, unleashed au, Family Fluff, Set in America, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Addiction, Crime, Amnesia, Ableist Language, another fridged mother, POV Alternating, past wwx/ofc, past wwx/omc, Medium parent YZY, A-Yuan is wwx's biological son, Musicians, Happy Ending)

🔒the map of days by everythingispoetry (M, 20k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Permanent Injury, Recovery, Disability, Parenthood, Character Study, Thirteen Years of WWX's Death)

Alter by Solmae (E, 162k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Drama & Romance, Slow Burn, Canon-Typical Violence, Rape/Non-con Elements, Gang Rape, Forced Prostitution, PTSD, Top/Bottom Versatile | Switch WangXian, Explicit Sexual Content, Sexual Slavery, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Torture) LWJ is kept as a sex slave by the Wen sect

hold me close by gentil-minou (Flyingsuits) (E, 13k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Porn with Feelings, Emotional Sex, Grief, Mental Health Issues, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Character Study, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Anal Sex) LWJ struggles with WWX's death, even after WWX's return

Lan Yuan's War by BurningTea (G, 196k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Angst, Sick LWJ, Hurt/comfort, Eventual Happy Ending)

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6. itmf fic where wwx cheats on lwj

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7. itmf fics about granny wen! any fics about granny wen being a bamf, or being the (grand)parental all of our favs desperately need. looking for feel good fics. some angst is okay, but a happy ending is a must. ty all!

Lay my body down by tawaen (M, 48k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Eventual WangXian, No Golden Core Transfer, Not Cultivation World Friendly, Canon-Typical Violence, Not Jiāng Chéng Friendly) Not sure if this counts as it's not really about Granny Wen, but she does become sect leader of the Wen Remnants in this & mingles with other sect leaders at a discussion conference

Granny Knows Best by The_Snarkivist (T, 5k, OYZZ/WN, JL/LSZ, Getting Together, Fluff, Accidental Elderly Acquisition, More OYZZ content in 2022 agenda, WN Centric, Let WN Be Happy Agenda, Happy Ending, fast burn, Granny does know best, POV WN, Post-Canon)

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8. hii how are you? I'm in the mood for a fic where either wwx or lwj go incoherent (sexually maybe) and the other takes care of them.

thank u sm for ur work and time!! @mercurygirlwt28

To Know, To Be Known Series by cqlorphan (E, 38k, WangXian, PWP, Bottom LWJ, Top WWX, Cock Warming, Multiple Orgasms, Marathon Sex, Under-negotiated Kink, Porn with Feelings, Aftercare, Dom/sub Undertones, Established Relationship, sex tears, gratuitous use of names, Begging, this is actually...really soft, Kink Discovery, Post-Canon, Switch WangXian, Cock rings, Rimming, Edging) Lwj definitely goes incoherent a few times!

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9. Please recommend some wangxian mafia au/ dark wangji modern au fics . Moreover Mafia wangji is so hott🥵 @itzweiwuxian

🔒🧡 Rule Number One: Never get attached. by KizuKatana (E, 130k, WangXian, Modern AU, A/B/O, Criminal underworld AU, Fluff and angst, Crime boss LWJ, Rouge criminal genius WWX, Explicit Sex)

to give a snapdragon by suton (T, 1k, WangXian, Modern AU, Mob, Dark LWJ, Minor ZhuiYi, Ambiguous/Open Ending) Short but sweet!

luminous by azuresummer (E, 50k, WIP, WangXian, Dom/sub, Dom/sub Undertones, Dominant LWJ, Submissive WWX, Modern AU, Merpeople, A/B/O Dynamics, Dark LXC, Dark LWJ, Possessive LWJ, Protective LWJ, Crime Boss LWJ, Omega WWX, Siren WWX, Merperson WWX, Hurt WWX, WWX Whump, Precious WWX, Spoiled WWX, WWX Has a Fear of Dogs, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Nesting, Scenting, Power Imbalance, Obsession, Kidnapping, Organized Crime, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Excessive Amounts of Tenderness, Pining LWJ, Dark WangXian)

We do have a Mafia / Cop / Detective / Thief comp if you haven't checked it out yet ^^

how to be a heartbreaker by sweetlolixo (E, 105k, WangXian, Modern AU, Sugar Daddy LWJ, Sugar Baby WWX, Dark WWX, Dark LWJ, Pining LWJ, Possessive LWJ, Crossdressing WWX, Seductress WWX, Eventual Happy Ending, Dirty Talking LWJ, They Do Fall In Love and there’s Fluff, Dark!Wangxian, Power Couple, Off the Charts Sexual Tension, Size Kink, Daddy Kink, degradation kink) lwj darker in the 2nd part of this, this one is real good too. 2nd part has ambiguous ending.

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10. Hello! I'd like to make a request for the next fic finder- it's not necessarily itmf, more like "does it exist?" Crossover with tgcf, but focusing on a Guzi and A-Yuan friendship? I've only ever seen 2 artworks (both from the same artist). And I've tried searching, but no luck, does anyone else know if such a story exists? Or is too niche a request? Thank you ❤ @theladypeartree

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11. Hello! I'm in the mood of a fic where Wwx feels hurt/insecure about Lwj not burning paper money to him while he was dead. @annebaneriddle

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12. Hi! For ITMF, could you recommend me a fic where WWX collect children and become their father figure/mentor? I want MXY is one of those children if you can but other is fine too. I prefer if its not modern AU, except if it was modern with cultivation/magic. Thank you! @idontknowwhattowriteforusername

❤️ Seen and not heard by eatmyass (E, 51k, wangxian, case fic, no sunshot, kid fic, dadxian, strangers to lovers, found family, LWJ pov, pining, fake/pretend relationship, first time, falling in love)

Attempting the Impossible by Ariaste (T, 36k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Post-Canon, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation, Adoption, Family Fluff, Kid fic, Family drama, Fluff, [PODFIC] Attempting the Impossible by Ariaste by lunatique)

🔒and having a marvelous time by varnes (E, 108k, WangXian, Yúnmèng Siblings, Sound of Music AU, (i know!!! i know. stay with me on this.), Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Family Feels, spies to lovers???, Protective Siblings, Sometimes You Just Want Your Dads To Admit They're Your Dads, Angst with a Happy Ending)

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13. I'm looking for niche au fics! The more obscure the better: I've previously encountered figure skating, amish, cave diving, and surgeon aus. No WIPS please :) @mostergreentea

Into the Depths by elytchaeke (T, 47k, WangXian, Modern AU, Cave Diving, Slow Burn, not that slow, Speluncaphobia, Claustrophobia, Descriptions of Corpses, Drowning, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Sharing Body Heat, The Inherent Eroticism of Wordless Communication, Corpse Handling) cave diving fic that op is talking about

The Amish AU by bufflehead, goofs_n_gaffs (T, 13k, WangXian, XuanLi, Modern AU, but they're amish, Crack, Not taken seriously, Slurpee Acquisition, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Cloud Recesses Shenanigan, rated h for hector, pitchforks, References to Shakespeare, Cultural Appropriation, of the amish, Fishing, Buggies, Violence Against Chickens, Bad Cooking, Goose Metaphors, First Kiss, Party Host JW) amish fic that op is talking about

Always Be Closing by betts (E, 32k, WangXian, QingXian, Modern AU, America, Office, Kid Fic, Drunken Kissing, Semi-Public Sex, Sexting, Divorce, Falling In Love, Bank Robbery, Secret Relationship, Co-workers) commercial lending au

🧡 Faire thee well by Scrippio (T, 77k, WangXian , ChengQing, XuanLi, 3Zun, Modern AU, Renaissance Faire, Mutual Pining, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Slow Burn)

[Podcast] New Year, New Pod! jellyfishfire, kisahawklin (G, 2.5-3 hrs, Modern AU, Streaming, MP3, Cold Read, Trailers, Recommendations) @kisahawklin and @jellyfishfire did a great podcast recommending various fic and podfic where MDZS cast have unusual (for them) occupations. I bet a bunch of these would scratch your itch!

there is no limited dimensions by Stratisphyre (M, 122k, WangXian, NieLan, MianQing, WN/Other(s), Star Trek Fusion, Canon-Typical Violence, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Assumed Character Death, Minor Character Death Tags on Each Chapter, references to non-con, references to canonical slavery, (The Orion Syndicate is just really bad okay?), bizarre space mpreg, Implied Future Pairings, Implied NHS/Others, POV Multiple, Accidental Child Acquisition, Found Family, Implied Future 3zun, Genius WWX) Star Trek AU (you don't need any familiarity with star trek to read)

Waiting for Spring Series by thievinghippo (E, 225k, WangXian, Modern AU, Sports, Baseball, Switch WangXian, mentions of past emotional abuse, slight angst, Happy Ending, Pining, Masturbation)

Creatures of Emotion by thievinghippo (E, 33k, WangXian, Modern AU, Rimming, Phone Sex, Blow Jobs, Office Sex)

light a lantern (and guide me home) by xuanxuanwo (ostentatiouslyrealistic) (T, 63k, WangXian, Moth WWX, Witch LWJ, Tea, Plants, Mountains, Loneliness, Curses, Curse Breaking, Melancholy, Friendship, Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Thunderstorms, Fluff and Angst, Minor Character Death, Memories) mothxian/witchji!

Wei Wuxian Makes a Wish series by natcat5 (M, 119k, wangxian, major character death, underage, madoka magica au, modern w/ magic, time travel, high school au, body horror, self-harm, angst w/ bittersweet ending, time loop, mental instability, suicidal thoughts) incredible madoka magical au

🧡🔒 Night of the Living History (an edutainment special!) by Aerlalaith (T, 51k, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Workplace Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Museums, living history, Some Plot, Slice of Life, Injury, a minor haunting) living cultivation history museum au

🧡 A Knight in Shining Armor by thievinghippo (G, 6k, WangXian, Modern AU, Single Parent WWX, Fluff, Meet-Cute)

Falling to the Rhythm by Selenay (E, 128k, WangXian, Modern: No Powers, Dance, Strictly Come Dancing Fusion, Ballroom Dancing, Dancer!WWX, Violinist LWJ, Pining While Dancing, Oblivious WWX, Gratuitous Costume Descriptions, Gratuitous dancing descriptions, Slow Burn, [Podfic] Falling to the Rhythm by semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona))

Covered in Bees by ScarlettStorm (T, 8k, WangXian,Modern AU, Beekeeping AU, Meet-Cute, Comedy, Fluff, Bees)

🔒some things go forward by everythingispoetry (T, 73k, WangXian, Modern AU, Hospitals, Teenage Drama, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending)

Wei Wuxian’s Home for Lost Creatures by Stratisphyre (G, 22k, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Fusion, Fluff, Single Dad LWJ, Near Drowning, injured animals, First Meetings, Falling In Love)

as if you were a mythical thing by daltoneering (M, 17k, WangXian, Historical, Science Fiction, Magical Realism, Steampunk, Getting Together, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, WWX Master of Clocks)

🧡 Yiling Salon: Hair, Nails and Piercing by TriviasFolly (T, 22k, WangXian, Modern AU, hairstylist AU, WWX owns a salon, Hairstylist WWX, 5+1 Things, Fluff, Experimental Style)

C’est toi pour moi by eatmyass (T, 49k, WangXian, Jab We Met AU, Modern AU, Strangers to Lovers, travelling, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Sharing a Bed, Fluff, Slow Burn, Pining, POV LWJ, Endgame WangXian, All Is Not As It Seems, No cheating whatsoever!, Paris: the city of hate)

🧡 don’t threaten me with a good time by livinginaworldofnoise (G, 60k, WangXian, Modern AU, Great British bake off AU, Script format, Fluff and Crack, Reality TV, Social media)

Welcome to the Great Gusu Bake Off! series by BlackWiresOnHerHead (G, 59k, Modern, College/University AU, The Great British Bake Off AU, Humor)

💖 Pentimento. by orange_crushed (E, 73k, wangxian, modern, college/university au, art conservation, museums, pining, not actually unrequited love, angst w/ happy ending, misunderstandings, smut, major character injury, hospitalization, hurt/comfort, past incarceration, forgery)

always on my mind series by sami (E, 41k, wangxian, LWJ/Others, LWJ & JYL, Modern, references to past LWJ/others, references to past WWX/WQ, Family, Sexual Tension set in the early 90s, Grief, Erratic Gay Superstar Musician LWJ, life is what happens in the in between, Fluff, Children, Pregnancy, not mpreg, Parenthood, Music Videos, LWJ's Gremlin Tendencies, WWX's Gremlin Tendencies, Drag, Daytime Television, Bitches Get Things Done, fictional daytime talk shows, Q&A, Slice of Life, Awards shows, any resemblance between OCs and real people living or dead are coincidental I swear, Communication, and how LWJ is bad at it, LWJ's weirdly wholesome kink inclinations, LWJ's aggressively artistic musical career, References to Major Character Death, Celebrity stuff, Superstar musican LWJ)

🧡 I Don't Want to Debut! by countingcr0ws (G, 56k, wangxian, Modern, Reality Show, Idols, Celebrity, Social Media, Epistolary, Romance, Fluff, Footnotes, Kissing, Poetry, Podfic Available)

You're Home, I'm Home by Pip (Moirail) (E, 8k, WangXian, Modern AU, Ice Skating, Olympics, Falling In Love, Anal Sex, Rimming, Unsafe Sex, Creampie, Ice skater LWJ, Hockey player WWX)

down by the water by astrolesbian (E, 60k, WangXian, Slow Burn, Modern AU, Friends to Lovers, Surfer LWJ, Surfer WWX, Loneliness, complicated family relationships, mention of drowning, but no actual drowning is described, fluff and smut and angst, Reconciliation)

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14. itmf fics set during the cloud recesses study arc, with wwx and lwj exploring their sexualities with each other... basically having sex which is underage, but wholeheartedly consensual and wholesome. just the vibes being them excited cause they really like each other but its their first times, so they want to be careful. bottom!lwj preferred, or with neither topping or bottoming.

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15. itmf lwj being held hostage or used as blackmail

Alter by Solmae (E, 162k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Drama & Romance, Slow Burn, Canon-Typical Violence, Rape/Non-con Elements, Gang Rape, Forced Prostitution, PTSD, Top/Bottom Versatile | Switch WangXian, Explicit Sexual Content, Sexual Slavery, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Torture) (link in #5) Alter works for this request as well since LWJ is being held prisoner to ensure LXC's good behaviour

the field meets the wood by astronicht (T, 7k, WangXian, BAMF WWX, slight whump, Ritualistic Self Harm, Canon Era, Tang Dynasty style, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, salt economics, Post-Canon, [Podfic] the field meets the wood by semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona), [podfic] the field meets the wood by jellyfishfire)

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16. Hey, here after a long time. Hope you guys are doing well.

ITMF everyone simping over Wei WuXian. Something like Touch That Body, (It's Not Mine) @tinyfoxpeach

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17. heyy there thanks for your hard work! do you have any fic recs on wangixan post canon married life that's basically fluff? or any fics that wwx is injured or sick and lwj gets worried, protective and looks after him? thanks in advance! :) @aquiver-heart

small mercies by mellowflicker (E, 11k, WangXian, Post-Canon Fix-It, as in wwx doesn't walk away but stays to take care of his zhanzhan, Chief Cultivator LWJ, Getting Together, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Switching)

the lives of birds by bleuett (E, 15k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Domestic Fluff, Gardens & Gardening, Fluff and Humor, Family Feels, Established Relationship, Anal Sex, Rimming, Blow Jobs)

As You Like It by cosmicmilktea (T, 8k, WangXian, Chief Cultivator LWJ, Food as a Metaphor for Love, Tea, Finding out preferences, Childhood Memories, Yunmeng trio feels, child rearing, Post-Canon, Very Very Light Angst, Fluff) Such lovely married wangxian. Wwx researching and helping lwj learn what is to his taste (literally, as in tea and food)

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If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***

[beaft]

contacted the GIC yesterday to see where i'm at on the waiting list and was informed it would be approximately another four (4) years before my first appointment with a specialist. i initially got referred way back in 2020, so that's an eight year wait in total - and it'll be another year, possibly two, before i can get any kind of gender-affirming treatment or surgery on the NHS, so let's make it a round decade to be on the safe side. now tell me why every other month some trash newspaper publishes the same fucking scare-mongering article about how gender clinics are dangerous because they're "rushing" people into transitioning "before they're ready"

[tavina-writes]

3, 7, and 16 for the trash meme

Biscuit!!! :DDDD

3. and ur really trashy im-going-to-hell ship I answered 3 here. But I could also say that I feel many of my ships could fit this definition if we really wanted to! I just really love terrible ships okay :D.

7. What is ur guiltiest guilty fave fandom

I am cringe but free. all of my fandoms are equally fun, but I suppose my favorite fun fandom to still be in is that I still really like Katekyo Hitman Reborn. Something about criminal mafia babies that make no sense speaks to me on a deep level. Is it passé to still be into anime from the 2010s? I'm also still into Skip Beat! and I remember all my beloved shoujo manga very fondly because I was a major shoujo girlie back in the day...

16. what is ur favourite ridiculous au

definitely the modern 3zun + NHS au where NMJ is a hot bee professor who goes viral on twitter for yelling at pesticide companies, JGS wants him dead bc JGS is a major pesticide lobbyist and JGY is in the corner going "da-ge I cannot fucking control where my dad spends his money." Also NHS is "studying abroad" which mostly means he's started an aesthetic coffee Instagram as he travels Europe.

[jaimebluesq]

For the AU ask... what if NHS inherited Baxia after NMJ died :D

Ooooh, Baxia! We all love our girl, now for some facts (I'm not promising fun ones lol)

At first when Nie Huaisang hears a voice calling his name, he thinks it's his brother... but he soon learns it's Baxia's voice. He never figures out if that's how she normally 'sounds' or if she chose to speak to him in NMJ's voice.

At first, he tries to leave her behind in the stand Nie Mingjue had constructed for her, and continues to avoid using her even for practice...

Until he discovers the truth about JGY's role in NMJ's death. He tears apart his room, breaking and trashing anything within sight in his rage, but afterwards, when he's on the floor and panting, tears streaming down his face, he hears Baxia's voice calling to him. She senses his rage, his thirst for justice - for vengeance. It feeds her, and she feeds it in him in return.

That's when NHS begins carrying her everywhere and starts training.

And the first time JGY comes to visit after the discovery, he goes to check on poor little A-Sang who must still be so distraught with grief. He doesn't expect the saber piercing his gullet before he even realizes it's being wielded or the bloodshot eyes staring into his accusingly, and he dies without even getting a chance to utter a word about the location of any of NMJ's body parts.

[bear-cubs-art-things]

okay one last post before I go to bed.

And I'm super fucking pissed as I write this.

So, I'm in NHS at my school. Neat, right? And I'm looking for some service hours, so I sign up to do bleachers clean up after the football game tonight (we won btw).

I do the clean-up, do a quick band favor for a friend by putting away some percussion equipment, and as I do so, I find the NHS kids getting their service logs signed.

I walk up to one of the officers, and I tell her "hey, I'm gonna run this (the perc equipment) to the band room real quick, then I'll be back to get my hours signed :D"

She gives me a puzzled-ish looks, and asks me if I'm in band. I say yes. Another girl turns around and says "band kids don't get service hours for bleachers clean up"

...

EX-FUCKING-C U S E ME?????

SO YOURE TELLING ME I SPENT AN HOUR - AN H O U R - OF MY TIME CLEANING TRASH FROM THE BLEACHERS, ONLY TO NOT GET SERVICE HOURS FOR IT??????

Mind you, I need 3 club hours by the end of the quarter, and so far I have none.

AND ME, A BAND KID, WHO IS DONE WITH HER BAND DUTIES, CANT GET FUCKING HOURS FOR PICKING UP TRASH??????? I DONT SEE OTHER BAND KIDS PICKING UP TRASH BC THE DIRECTOR TOLD EM TO!!!!!

I swear to fucking God I'm gonna murder some one I'm so salty about this.

And the only other time I can get hours for nhs is our first competition day, during the only break i have (12-4). Even better, my little sibling has volleyball tryouts the same day.

And the best part? Oh-ho, THE BEST PART???

NO ONE FUCKING SAID ANYTHING.

NOT A WORD ABOUT BAND KIDS BEING INELIGIBLE FOR SERVICE HOURS REGARDING BLEACHERS CLEAN UP.

NOT A SINGLE FUCKING WORD.

Im gonna spontaneously combust oh my fucking God.

[captaindibbzy]

A really dumb series of events I'm gonna have a long bitch about.

In 2012 I took part in a trial Jujitsu day at my university. I landed wrong during warm ups and went on my ankle with a large snap. This was dismissed by the teacher but it hurt a lot so I WALKED home on it, you know, rather than finish the lesson. I do not wrap it. I do not go to hospital. I just go home and figure meh it'll be fine.

Spoiler: I am an idiot.

Next day I wake up with an ankle fatter than my thigh and some very interesting bruises on it. Very dark, colour of a black grape. I, not wanting to be a bother (and also suffering from an undiagnosed series of mental issues that won't be diagnosed for another 3 years+) ask my friends to get me some bandages from the shop. I wrap it up from toe to knee and elevate it. Continue to walk on it like the idiot I am.

6 months later this "sprain" is for some unknown reason still a problem. Who can guess why? Could it have something to do with the audible SNAP it made? Our best scientists decided they couldn't be bothered to investigate and they are right. Anyway, I go to the doctor's. They look at it. Hmm. Yeah you probably tore your ligament. But it's 6 months old now so there's not much we can do. Try some physiotherapy.

I do attend but physio on the NHS is basically turn up once every week for 6 weeks and receive a new exercise then we trust you to do it yourself. As mentioned above I'm about 3 years away from a diagnosis of some kind of garbage brain, so for some reason the ability to move does not come naturally to me.

Trash ankle, now wobbly as shit, leads to me over using other leg. This does not lend stability. I become prone to just falling over. Ankle will just GO! Doesn't nesecerily matter which!

This leads to a series of quite bad injuries like the time I was carrying a heavy backpack down a hill, and I just went. (Having learned nothing, after bandaging my ankle I still walk on it. My bag breaks when I get to the train station! Strap just snaps. That was a crap day.)

This incident is around the time I am diagnosed with Garbage Brain and being that the NHS is a pile of trash for mental health I am added to a waiting list for CBT: the only help they offer except medication. They drop me off the list, then re-add me. All in all I spend a year till I get it and in a surprising twist of events it is not very effective! For secret reasons related to garbage brain but which will be discovered in a number more years, but we'll call it self awareness.

Ten years go ticking along. I start using a cane cause I get so scared of falling over, especially on unsteady surfaces. I discover a new talent of managing to twist my ankle out of place while sitting on the couch. I naff my back and start using a cane full time. Falling over is now a HUGE potential problem that could result in broken back. Pandemic happens. My ability to be mobile declines cause while I'm on medication for Garbage Brain I haven't received proper treatment in a long time. I discover I'm autistic! More garbage for the trash fire that is my brain. Join a waiting list. Assume I will never reach the end of it. NHS reaches crisis point. No longer bother trying to get doctors appointment unless I think something might actively try to kill me.

2024. First quarter. I start experiencing intrusive thoughts about falling over. These get more frequent. It doesn't matter if I'm sitting on the couch, lying in bed, driving, walking, standing still. I have horrific cringing visions of my ankle just suddenly going to a 90 degree angle: tumbling down stairs, in pot holes, fully flat surfaces in perfectly stable shoes. These visions get more and more frequent. Visions start affecting OTHER ankle as well.

Here we are today, July 4th, approximately 13 years since I effectively wrecked my ankle for life. I tried to walk down the drive last night and literally every step I took my brain was screaming "you're going to fall over." I stand at the front door scared to step out cause I'm gonna snap my ankle in half, so I think.

This sounds like a job for... Therapy! Oh wait, the NHS is on fire, waiting lists are measured in years, my local NHS only provides CBT which could theoretically be useful for this but also is something I already had and one struggling problems is I was too self aware for it. Also I have to register myself for it cause I've had it before and figuring out how to do that is scary made worse by garbage brain. Those same problem brain cells also make it difficult to fully communicate in a concise and easy to follow manners (thus epic long bitchfests on Tumblr). Can't go to a doctor for advice cause that requires phoning up at 8 in the morning and they are over worked and don't actually want to see anyone and I don't have a GP any more (haven't had one for ten years!) just a practice, and also I'm a fat woman so we KNOW what the first option is going to be from 9/10 people who lay eyes on me.

So I'm literally watching myself step closer and closer to developing psychosis while being firmly caged in by my own mental garbage fire, a failing health system, and a pair of trash ankles that I should have just gone to hospital with in 2012 and had a fucking cast put on it but I didn't want to bother anyone!

[sneezemonster15]

In boruto movie that kishi took part In ( where its about naruto and sasuke parenting burrito), the part where both naruto and sasuke were running towards the villan, I remember some sak**a stan had edited saku*a In there running along with them (this isn't a rant, it's related to what I'm about to say). In the war arc, naruto and sasuke are so giddy and happy to fight alongside each other, meanwhile sakura and kakashi are in the background. In the land of waves its about naruto and sasuke competing, teasing and bonding with each other, while sakura is... somewhere else. When naruto reunites with sasuke at orochimaru's lair,it's just them two staring at each other for god knows how long ( kishi was vey generous with how much pages he drew for that 😌), meanwhile sakura is standing... there... at the side.

To summarise, sakura is a third wheel and you feel it. Like really feel it. When naruto and sasuke get together she is forgotten. ( didn't she say to sasuke that naruto always came between them?), you don't get the feeling that she's even a team member, she's just there. And sakura fans get that she is the third wheel otherwise they wouldn't of edited her running along w them in the above example. What I wanted to say is don't sakura fans get exhausted? All the editing they do, all the lies they tell, everything they twist and exaggerate to make sak*ra look more relevant then she is, that she is an important member of team seven, that naruto and sasuke do care about her. Don't they get tired? A lot of manga and official arts they bring out to "prove" the ss ship, all of it are just edits., they edit naruto or kakashi out and stick sasuke and saku**a together.

It seems exhausting to keep on lying and exaggerating and to clinging on to trash novels and still not feeling satisfied at the end because deep down they know that sakura is pathetic and their ship is full of holes ( they k ow otherwise they wouldn't lie). Isn't it simply easier to admit the truth than to tire themlves out and make themselves look like idiots? It doesn't seem worth it to me, if I was them I'd just move on to another self insert ship with more ground.

Sorry for bringing this up.

Hehehe, don't be sorry. Yes, it really must be exhausting. The lengths people go to, to convince themselves of lies that are so in your face. It's like believing in a superstition. You know that logically, it simply doesn't make sense. But beliefs aren't always rational. SS (like Nh) are operating on emotions and their emotions reside in the idea of self inserting into a popular girl who gets the hot, popular guy. Yes, it's shallow. Yes, it's silly. Yes, it's reductive of f/m relationship. But well, it's what gives them comfort. Sure, it would be much better if they admitted that they ship it because they like it, not because it makes sense in canon. It so obviously doesn't. They don't care anon. They obviously have the luxury of time and energy to put all this extraneous effort in their silly ships.

I feel better knowing they are just immature people who one day will have to grow up and see things as they are. If not, then it's their loss. If they really wanted to help themselves, they can, it's just a matter of educating oneself. Lying to oneself sure is hard, but isn't it just a matter of how badly you want something and how far can you go to get it? People lie to themselves all the time. SS or NH are just a couple of examples.

[looosey]

Lucy's DDR #1: I Love Dance

My parents and friends think I love to dance. They know without me saying it. In fact, a conversation I had with two NH Medlinks (i.e. my Desmond friend and his H4 friend) went like this:

H4 friend: Oh how do you know (NH4 girl 1) and (NH4 girl 2)? Do you dance? My friend: Does she dance? All she does is dance. H4 friend: Oh cool! Are you in ADT?

Which I found very fonny. No I am not. But alas, for the past two years till now, I have always been dancing, and I really really enjoy it, and I want to get better, and I think I do really love it!

But sometimes, it's hard to love it.

Today I want to talk about a big thing I see in dancers at MIT around me, which is that they have a very stressful relationship with dance. "I might quit all dance next semester," and "The MIT dance community is so toxic," and "I don't know if I want to do <xyz advanced team> next semester or just quit" are phrases I hear often from friends who always end up dancing anywhere from 3-9 hours a week.

They love it, but they hate it. The feelings are so extreme, I think, because dance is a social activity. You make friends, close friends, through dance troupe, ADT, or teams. But with dance, you're also auditioning, getting evaluated and cut, watching yourself side by side with others, being recorded, being talked about, and talking about others. It's a social activity.

And if you start thinking about how good your other peers are compared to you, the deep deep blackhole of dance-is-the-devil is slippery and treacherous. Despite them coming in with more experience, or putting in more hours than you at the expense of grades, sleep, or social life, or having been an athlete before, etc. All of my fellow friends who started dance in college, we've talked about this shared anxiety, but yet. We're all still dancing.

Dance. Dance. Four total semesters now. Why?

My favorite semester ever dance-wise was sophomore fall. Coming back from Korea, where I took a class a week at the famous 1Million and JustJerk dance studios, I was made pretty well aware that MIT was just a spec in the dance world. Thus, I was on my own journey to enjoy the art form and become professional grade good, whether or not MIT's competitive teams wanted me as a dancer did not matter. So, in September, I joined MissBehavior, did a DT dance, and took an MIT Theater dept. class in Hip Hop Dance History and Practice.

McKersin, the lecturer, taught us the history, shared the culture, opened my eyes to the Boston scene. He became the first person ever to tell me... "you need to practice" in an objective but well-meaning way. Previously, choreo workshops and Dance Troupe were fun and good to me, but in the vacuum of no-feedback-ever, I remained convinced that I was great at dancing, and thus was so confused all the time when I got rejected from competitive auditions. Now I was beginning to know.

I practiced freestyle dance and learned choreo from videos on my own, late into the night at BC dance studio. Recording myself, and gritting my teeth as I watched my own recordings. Yuck. Dumpster trash on fire, the stench coming from those videos.

But the way my dance progress became my own? So valuable to me. Thus, I improved.

I'm on a team now, and slightly deeper in the "dance as a social activity" thing both in MIT and the Boston community. Many times, I also struggle. I think I suck, look at that guy who probably only started this year he's so much cleaner than me. And that puts me in the worst bottom of the barrel mood for an entire day. Literally, makes me feel physical pain. But I never hate on dance. It's usually myself that I hate, which is not any better.

I write this on a special day: my first day ever being picked by a choreog in a workshop. You know? As the first subgroup to record? It means you're good. It was an affirmation that I'm doing okay, after a recent wave of self-hatred, actually. Even if I don't hate dance, I struggle a lot with comparing myself, and thinking I'm actually trash and not getting better, which is the root of my friends' problems too. I'm trynna overcome this and share a positive view of dance, like the energy of today's choreographer: it's fun to do and it's safe here.

This post is a reminder to future Lucy that actually, this journey has been one of great memories and progress. So, don't hate yourself, or the art. Be kind to yourself and others. Dance. Dance. Revolution.

[pbaintthetb]

Fic Stats game

tagged by @fortune-maiden :-)

rules: give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the fewest words.

Most Hits: Deadset (not surprised at all, imo my magnum opus, multi-chapter which I'm pretty sure get more hits as people come back for the chapters etc.) Nie Huaisang dies, becomes a ghost, canon proceeds mostly as normal.

Second most Kudos: Deadset lol so, not sure what the rules about double ups are... will explain first place in a moment.

Third most Comments: It's What We Do in the Death unfinished, though hopefully not abandoned (I wrote a new paragraph last night!) TUA fic. It's a time loop/groundhog day fic from Ben's pov that resets every time Klaus dies to the moment of Ben's death. Only Ben remembers and is stuck trying to keep Klaus alive despite what sometimes seems like Klaus' best efforts. So far all pre-canon

Fourth most Bookmarks: Yes Oui Luv Ya a Sk8 the Infinity Renga fic. I know, sometimes I don't write gen fic, although it's also G rated so. Anyway this is actually most kudos fic and thus we get Deadset twice lol. I like this fic, but I wrote it in a day as a distraction from a deadset chapter that was bugging me then never touched Sk8 again so its funny to me. It was also created due to my petty headcanon that Langa's first language could very well be French if he's from an unspecified location in Canada. And then I made it crack-esque (or I tried).

Fifth most Words: Hey there, brother dear ooh how to explan this fic, we're back to MDZS though! The first chapter was written on the idea of NHS and JGY being genuinely close and JGY giving NHS a lot of life advice that is then used/twisted to bring JGY down later. It's also the general premise that JGY was considered a brother and that made the betrayal harder. The second chapter is essentially a telling of the Guanyin temple scene but from NHS' pov and the third chapter is post-canon NHS trying to deal with what's happened when he did care about JGY. Also had a throwaway line that birthed deadset so gotta love it for that.

Fewest Words: my lowest word fic is a piece of trash I wrote when I was a youth and thought I was funny. Was trying to answer a prompt. I don't even have words for this. Anyway.

Thanks for the tag and I'm tagging @scaredysap @matchakaros and anybody else who would like to play!

[tamelee]

Hey, I hope you're doing great and in good health! 💐🏵🌻🌺🌹🌼🌷🍁🌻🌼💐🌺🌸🌷⚘️🌻

(If you've answered something like this already then you can ignore it).

You know abt four new naruto episodes that will release in September, what do you think they will be about? Do you think it would have anything to do with Boruto, or just a couple of fillers for fun or a short side story or will it cater specifically to the ships (nh/ss)?

Also, do you find it weird how they're dragging the old Naruto series back? Like are they purposely releasing episodes from the old series to bring back any fans of the original series? Considering that Boruto is doing real bad they might think of catering towards the old fans and try to win them back?

Maybe I'm speaking trash and rubbish but I can't help but feel apprehensive but excited at the same time with the release of these eps. Like what is SP planning? I can't help but feel suspicious (It's sp after all).

Anyway, will you watch them? Or wait for the reviews to see if it's worth it and then watch it or not? I can't decide myself if it would be worth my time.

Take care of yourself and I hope your studies are made easy for you.

🌸💐🌻🌼🌷🌺🌹🌻🌸🌷💐🌼🌺🌻🌸💐🌷🌼

Hi Nonee, thankyou for the kind words! *-*💕 And the flowers 🌷! Still waiting for some better news in regard to my health, but my studies are going good 🧡 I hope you're well! 

I'll definitely watch them right away! 

I saw a bit ago that the episodes are postponed because of quality issues? 

They constantly have these now apparently? I remember the little bits and pieces I saw from the Anime-adaptations from that filler-novel and everyone blamed it on the many (MANY) interns that worked on it, but honestly? It just showed the company didn't care- which in that case I understand lol... but for these 4 episodes???? I hope they bring in some experience and quality.. we all deserve it ;-; and so does Kishimoto. 

(Also I don't like that new art-style, they don't even look like themselves..) 

Me complaining about that aside, I believe they said it'll be about "team" 7 going on a mission without Kakashi and Naruto being the leader or something. That's all I know but even that could be wrong. 

Idk if they want to bring back the old fans for the sake of grasping for some success that possibly could go to 'Boruto'. I don't believe that's the case because 'Boruto' genuinely became the laughing stock of Anime. Everyone's rightfully making fun of it 😆 they've done everything to make it as bad as possible and disrespect what was already there... it's too late to beg for the 'Naruto'-fans to now suddenly support the damn thing and put up a middle finger to their own nostalgia. Absolutely not. 

It may have been an idea simply because the big three would run at the same time- which to me is kinda cool. But that's just me being hopeful and having my glass half full. It also said Kishimoto is supervising it..... but that doesn't say much if SP claims that. They often use his name for marketing purposes only. So, I share your concerns Nonee... I'm excited but worried at the same time that they'll try to do some damage control or have an underlying motive 🤷🏻‍♀️ We know they constantly do so when they have the chance as long as it is profitable without any concern for the original story. 

*prays* please don't let it become a fan-war, please don't let it b- ... so, I guess we'll just have to see? And who knows, maybe these episodes are going to be just a lot of fun ;-; I hope so. I really, really do. 

[sessakag]

Girl, your first two prompts for the NH event so far.... 🎉🎉🎉

Secondly, I am so blown away by how you write your smut. It's phenomenal. The details are off the charts. I'm literally about to faint from all the emotions I feel just from reading it. It's a whole new world and I thank you for writing such masterpieces.

So look, I don't want to hear you speak anything bad about your writing girl, at all. I betta not hear you say one bad thing about it girl, I'm serious.

You ass need to make movies, fr. You ass need to be getting paid, period. 👏🏼👏🏼

You always leave me such sweet messages @powerful-niya

Gurrrl, I been writing my lil ass off for this event 😂 as hard as it is to pack every little detail into one chapter, I've had a ton of fun finally getting these crazy ideas outta my head! So many of these prompts are scenes I've come up with outta nowhere, or pieces of an actual story I haven't gotten around to writing, like this whole thing has been liberating and I am so thankful to @saradesuchiha and @quirrrky for organizing this.

This month has been beautiful!

Now about my writing...

Now listen, you gotta understand, I'm usually the first in line to drag my ass through the mud the moment I finish a chapter 😂For some odd reason, I cannot stand my writing 95% of the time. It sucks and I be ready to throw me and the story in the trash 🙈

No idea why I do that 😅 I think I hate on myself before anyone else can, like that makes it better 🙈 I can't help it, I'm an artist! There's something wrong with us, I swear 😂

BUT

I'm happy you enjoyed my one-shots!

I've been tiptoeing around publishing my own original work for profit for years, and if I tell you why I've been putting it of you gonna wanna square up with me 🙈

So imma hush 😂

Anyway, thank you so much for your support. You and errybody else that send me love, and kind words, hilarious commentary and encouragement 💞💞💞💞💞💞

[tavina-writes]

1, 2 and 3 for the fandom questionnaire?

!! :D Hi Friend! I am going to assume that you would like my Very Correct Opinions and Ships for MDZS bc that's our shared fandom! :D

name ur politically correct ship that no one ever questions hmmm do I have any of these. Given the number of tinfoil hats I wear and the state of fandom as a whole I feel every ship I've ever had has been questioned at some point, but I suppose no one ever questions why I like XuanLi?

now name ur trash ship I exist in the land of trash ships. Lets put our tinfoil hats on and say that I'm REALLY fond of NHS/Wen Xu and that this is a ship that I have no canonical basis for but I just think Sexy Prisoner Wen Xu would be Sexy!

and ur really trashy im-going-to-hell ship hmmmm thinking about this bc I don't really think I'd go to hell for shipping! But I suppose that that one WRH/JC bespoke warprize au fic with additional ChengQing inspired by @autumnslantern and I talking about a Diao Chan-Dong Zhuo-Lv Bu au of Sunshot would probably send me to hell if any antis really wanted to come for me?

I don't really get antis though so 😌. If I do get any the block button is handy!

Thanks for the ask!

fandom trash questions found here.

[opttagoyeo]

You're Naruhina_trash27 on AO3!!!! ❤️❤️

Yeah... 😅😅

Actually I had that account way before I made this Tumblr account, because I never thought that I would start having my own Tumblr. I just opened one to support NH authors, at first. (I Initially just want to read some nh fics that are only available here in Tumblr, that's also one of the reasons..)

I know it's a shock to many but... I've been Naruhina_trash27 long before I became opttagoyeo, (formerly known as Yeungdun, but past is past.)

You know what, it's also exciting to interact with authors in ao3 without them knowing my real identity outside ao3 (it's so fun! to interact with them really!)

I love Ao3 so much because in that site, we are not pressured to do things or anything (maybe just me from posting my own ao3 account but whatevs).

I feel like Anon has interacted with me in Ao3!! Nice to see you here!! I'm so glad to finally reveal my Ao3 account although it's not a mystery anymore which is fun to play with (I like hiding 😆). But the desire to share my drabble compilations overpowered that thought.

Yet somehow I'm getting all shy since I should have posted it on Fanfiction.Net. However, it just felt right to post it on ao3. I was actually fascinated by how you can post a fic in ao3. This experience opened my eyes to new things so I'm still grateful!

I should've changed my username to opttagoyeo but for me the username is just too ✨ICONIC✨ to be changed. It's such a waste to change it cuz it's just the truth, I'm a nh trash (not literally but at least close)! 🤩🤩✋

Note: This was an edited one sorry Anon! My fingers accidentally slipped and immediately posted this even before I could finish answering you. I deeply apologize!! 🥲🥲🙏

[cherryblossomforest]

After 3 years of trying and failing to get DID specific therapy, I am finally being referred to a DID specialist through the NHS. Which oml, if you know how trash the NHS is, you know what kind of fight I have been having. They finally admitted that the local therapies they can offer would not be good for someone with DID, so their only option is to refer me to this clinic. Now, I just have to wait and see how long the waiting list is, but I've been waiting so long that at least I know that I'm in the right place 🥹

Sage 🪴

[dayseternal-blog]

She's a nameless girl. Strange in dress, appearance, and accent in a foreign kingdom. She stowed away on a merchant ship, running from a certain future much worse than just losing her name.

An NH retelling of the fairytale Catskin.

Inspired by Tumblr's NaruHina Week 2019 Days 4-7 Day 4: Promises Day 5: Family Day 6: Forgotten Day 7: Yesterday

Rating: M

Chapter 5: Deceit/Honesty

She can’t go.

The thought is silly.

She’s a maid.  She serves his family.  She’s employed by his parents.  

She could get caught.  She could get sent home.  She would have to face all of Konoha in shame.

But what if he discovers her a year from now?  Five years from now?  Ten years from now?

It seems practically inevitable that he would eventually discover her.  She didn’t say a single word to him the last time he saw her, and he nearly recognized her.

It’s just a matter of time, one unlucky encounter, for him to realize, stare at her in shock, reject her, and send her home.  

...Would he reject her?

The days toward the Summer Solstice Ball dwindle, and these thoughts plague her constantly.

Naruto…Naruto…

Master Naruto.

Can she handle watching him from afar for the rest of her life?  Certainly his life will move on.  Marriage, a family, the eventual lord of the province.

What’s worse?

Never knowing what could be, living safely, but constantly in fear of discovery?  

Or his rejection, returning to Konoha, facing her father, and the scorn of the rest of the town?

There is an upside.  She would see Hanabi again.

Either way, she will never know anything like him ever again.  Whether she stays a servant or is sent back to Konoha, she is destined to grow to be an old spinster.  At some point, she will be discovered, and that could go three ways.  The first, that he accepts her, mysterious background and all.  A thought she doesn’t dwell on for its implausibility.  The second, that he rejects her but lets her stay on staff, condemning her to another kind of eternal shame, albeit one without fear.  The third, that he rejects her and sends her away, condemning her to a sad life with her father.

She would see Hanabi again.

These thoughts circulate, over and over, day after day.

The avoiding and hiding doesn’t help.

She wants to see him.

A part of her wants to know if he would recognize her.  A test of his feelings.  Can he see her past the drab clothing, or did he only see her dolled-up appearance?  

How much does he like her?  As much as she likes him?

...What if she just told him?

What if I told him?  What would he say?  How would he react?  Would he not believe me?  Would he accuse me of stealing the gowns?  Would he hate me?  Or would he not care and still like me?

What if she just went up to him one day when he’s alone in the library?  What if she just told him herself?  Then she wouldn’t have to wait for him to recognize her.  She wouldn’t have to wonder and wait in fear.  She could take her fate into her own hands, at least a little.

But days pass, and she can’t muster up the courage to face him.

She’s not a cultured young lady anymore.  She’s just a maid.  Her hands are cracked and dry.  Her hair hangs in tangles that can only be hidden in buns.  Her clothes are not just plain now--they’re stained, used, and worn, too.  She has no money, no family, no connections.

There’s no way he would believe her.

“Bucchi” is a far-cry from the “Miss.”    

He would probably think that she’s trying to be sly.  He would probably think that “Bucchi” is trying to pretend to be the lady he met.  

Or even if he did believe her, he would be so shocked, he would be disgusted.  There he was, spending all of his attention on a maid!  He would feel humiliated to have spent all his time on a messy girl like her.  

She can’t face him as Bucchi…

But what if he weren’t disgusted?  What if he were just happy to find her?...

The week of the ball arrives, and she isn’t any closer to a solution than she was three weeks ago.

“Shizuka,” she murmurs.  “I don’t know what to do.”

Her friend sits with her in Hinata’s dark room.  “Do?” she asks, encouraging Hinata to share.  She knows, though, that her secretive friend has been worrying about the young lord.

Hinata nods.  She explains her predicament as quietly and as simply as she can.

“So you want to tell him?” Shizuka whispers, just as quietly.  

“I...I think I need to...I don’t think I can hide forever.”

“...I don’t think he would send you away...Master Naruto isn’t like that…”  She doesn’t share, though, that he can have a temper.  She thinks that itis possible that he would get angry, or at least feel hurt at the deception.  “I’m sorry, Bucchi.  This is all my fault.  I shouldn’t have forced you to go to the ball.”  

Hinata shakes her head.  “I could have refused.  You wouldn’t have really forced me to go.  I wanted to go.”  She sighs.  “It’s my own fault,” she says regretfully.

“It’s not...I pushed you to go.  If I hadn’t done that…”

The two girls look at each other sadly.  

“...I think the sooner you tell him, the better.”

“I know, but I’m too scared.”

“What if you told him at the ball?  He would have to believe you.”

Hinata nods.  If she told him at the ball, he would have to believe that the Miss is the same as Bucchi.  She considered this possibility, too, but it seems underhanded, like she would be trying to sway his opinion of her while dressed nicely.  

But isn’t that what she wants?

The morality of the situation is too confusing.  And she realizes, even now, she’s trying to get Shizuka to make the decision for her.  She’s being manipulative, a side of herself she never knew before.

Because hasn’t she already decided what she wants to do?  

Hinata buries her face in her hands.  “I really like him, Shizuka,” she whispers.  “I-I just want to see him.”

Shizuka doesn’t know what would be best for the shy maid, but she does know that she shouldn’t try to influence her decisions anymore.  “...Whatever you decide to do, Bucchi, I’ll support you in any way I can.”

The ball draws ever closer, and she only finds reasons that persuade her to follow her heart.

“I saw him pull out her glove from his pocket this morning.”

“He says his parents will have to force him to dance.”

“Oh, I’m sure after dancing with that lady all night, he wouldn’t want to dance with another.”

“Shion said he looks at her shoes every night.”

“He sighs too much these days.”

“Our poor young master.  He’s too innocent in the ways of love.”

“He has always been too trusting.”

The gossip surrounding the servants’ favorite topic fills her with equal parts longing and guilt.  How she wishes she could reassure him of her affection!

How she knows that she needs to make things right.

…“Right.”  

She doesn’t know what’s right.  She only knows that she wants to see him and spend time with him.  Is that wrong?

Is it wrong for her to remember the way he talked so freely with her?  The way he let her talk about herself?  The way he allowed her to share herself and keep other parts secret?  Never pressing too much, never forcing her to do or say anything..or nothing.  

Being with him felt so right.  How could it be wrong?

Is it wrong for her to want to catch his attention?

To want to be pretty for him?

To be the only girl to have his time?

“So you’re going to tell him?” Shizuka whispers as she pins the feather hairpiece in place.

Hinata nods.  “...I’m scared.”  

“Master Naruto is a good man.  He won’t hurt you.”

“I’m not afraid of getting hurt.  I’m afraid...of hurting him…”

Shizuka takes a careful breath.  “...It would hurt him more the later he finds out.”  She nods in affirmation of her own words.  “It’s best to tell him tonight....there.”  She pulls the ribbon of the dress once more for good measure.  “You’re ready.”

Hinata looks down at herself.  She’s never worn this dress before.  The blue is nearly as dark as her hair.  The bodice fits tightly, dipping down in the back slightly lower than conventions.  Soft feathers adorn the full skirt, and she can’t imagine how much dye was used for such an expensive color.  

Shizuka smiles.  “Even if you tell him, he might have a hard time believing it.”  She doesn’t know if she’s ever seen such an extravagant dress before.  It’s hard to connect Bucchi with the magnificent sight before her.  And again, she wonders about Bucchi’s past.  To have come from such wealth, why would anyone run away to a completely new country?

“Thank you,” Hinata softly says.  “Shizuka, I wanted to tell you...in case I don’t get a chance to later...thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for always cheering me up and helping me when I didn’t know what to do.”

“What is this all of a sudden?” Shizuka asks, shaking her head.  “Don’t say that!  Everything will be alright, Bucchi.  Everything will be alright.”

Hinata nervously smiles at Shizuka.  She hopes everything will be alright.  She doesn’t know what’s going to happen after tonight or how Naruto will react, but the one constant she has had since arriving at the Namikaze estate has been Shizuka’s camaraderie.  She grabs her friend’s hands and squeezes them.  “Thank you.”

“Stop that, Bucchi.  Now go!  Our young lord is waiting for you.”  

Hinata blushes but lets go of her hands.  She tentatively parts from Shizuka’s reassuring expression and steps out into the still day-lit evening.

The back of the estate is devoid of people as all hands are on-deck for the party.  More guilt floods her.  She should be in the kitchens at this very moment, helping out.  It was incredibly selfish of her to have gone that first night.  Even tonight…

She stalls at the side of the estate, once again feeling an onslaught of confusion.  She shouldn’t be out here in this dress.  She shouldn’t have come out here.  She swore to herself that she was leaving everything behind for a life of safety.  She promised Hanabi that she would never return to Konoha.

But at this very moment she is shirking her duties, her safety...for what?  For what exactly?  

Her heart hurts as she pictures him.  

Everything was a mistake.  Even now, is she making a mistake?  Is she fooling herself?  So what if she has to live her life in fear of being discovered?  That’s just an “if” situation. There’s no certainty that he would ever figure her out.  As far as he knows, she disappeared that night two months ago.  

It’s better for him if he never sees her again.

She has nothing.

She’s just a manipulative, selfish, nobody girl.  

She stares down at her feather-covered skirt.  A nameless girl all dolled up.

A trick.  She’s a trick.  

She stands there longer in the hidden corner, unable to make the turn that would bring her closer to the party.  

“Our young lord is waiting for you.”

Is he waiting?  She heard the rumors of his melancholy, and that supposedly she’s the cause.  But she wonders if she really can be the root of such romantic heartache.

She can’t imagine Toneri wishing to see her like that.  She doubts that he ever really missed her at all.  

She wonders if, right now, Naruto has already met someone else.  Or if he really did say to Shion that his parents would have to force him to dance with another.

Two months is a long time.

Maybe he already got over her?

She shifts her weight uneasily as she wonders what she should do.

Should she turn around and go back to work, to a safe life?  

Should she tell him?

If he really did get over her, then there is no need for her to tell him.  If he has already forgotten her, then telling him would just be even more selfish on her part.

She just needs to see him.

She just needs to know if he’s still thinking of her or if he’s moved on.

She rounds the corner and slowly steps up to the veranda.  People mill about inside as the night is still young, and many of the guests make their rounds to greet others.

She stands outside, unsure, peeking inside.  She looks around but doesn’t step through the crowd, hoping to not call attention to herself.  However, it seems that her costly gown makes that impossible as she notices people’s heads turning to look at all of the blue feathers.  She can only hope they don’t recognize her.

Unable to spy her employers from where she stands, she slowly makes her way through, keeping close to the wall.  She avoids people’s gazes, hoping that if she doesn’t return their stares, they won’t look at her.

Finally she spots them at the other end of the hall.

He stands with his parents, engrossed in conversation with another family and their daughter.  As usual, his blue eyes, tan skin, and blond hair are bright in a way she’s never seen on anyone else.  She hasn’t seen him in so long, not since that stormy day.  He’s really beautiful.  Even from where she is, she can see the energy he radiates, completely unlike the somber refinement of Konoha’s men.  He exudes cheerfulness, as if just being near him would infect her with a case of high spirits.  She can almost imagine his voice, just as bright as he is.  She wishes she could hear it.

But he’s talking with the daughter, a young lady, who’s dressed in a simple purple crepe gown.  Much more tasteful than her own flashy dress.  She wears a smile just as bright, just as warm as Naruto’s.

It turns her gut inside-out.

She can’t do this.

She can’t watch him dance with other girls.  Just imagining it hurts her chest in a way she’s never felt before.  

“Young miss-”

She turns to notice a man addressing her.  She steps back.

“You look very familiar-”

She shakes her head, sudden nerves crushing her.  She actually forgot.  She hates talking to strangers.

“Have we met before?”

She steps back again, shaking her head.  “P-please excuse me.”  She turns and rushes away rudely, escaping outside to the terrace, then down to the manicured courtyard.  

She should return to work, she should help light the evening candles, she should help wash the dishes.

But she can’t bring herself to work a ball where Naruto will find some other girl to shine on.  

He’ll forget about her eventually.  She’s just fooling herself.

She sits in a secluded garden, one Naruto had taken her through that first night.  She looks around, recalling the stories he told her about acquiring certain flowers.  These are precious memories, ones she needn’t try to relive.  But just for tonight.

Just for tonight.

She lets shadows extend around her, and she promises herself that she’ll be over him by morning.

“You’re not going to dance?” his mother asks.

He shrugs.  Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.  He didn’t see anyone he wanted to dance with.

His mother audibly sighs.  

“You need to find someone to dance with.  It’s only polite to all of the guests who came,” his father reminds him.

He frowns to keep himself from rolling his eyes.  He can be sassy with his mother.  Not so easily with his father.  

“I’ll go ask Lady Konan.”

“She’s practically your aunt!  She doesn’t count,” Kushina negates.

“Well, I don’t know who you expect me to dance with,” he fusses.

“I can choose someone for you to dance with,” she suddenly says, a bit of sadism hidden in her voice.

“I’ll find someone on my own!” he backtracks, to his mother’s evil smile.

“Good.  Go take a look around.  You never know,” his father encourages.

He nods and steps out into the crowd, noticing his own parents take to the dance floor.  He watches them for a moment, admiring his parents’ grace and ability.  The two make a lively match, his father’s cool demeanor a perfect complement to his mother’s Uzumaki fire.  

“Did you see that young lady in the feather dress?”

A nearby couple’s conversation filters through the music and noise.

“I wonder who she was?”

The question perks his attention.

“She looked like-”  Noise detracts from his hearing.  “-the young master was dancing-”

He looks around trying to determine who’s talking.  He steps up in a bit of uncertainty to a couple of guests.  

“Young Master Naruto!” the lady says in surprise.

He nods.  “Hello Mister and Missus…”  He can’t recall their names.

“Ayukawa,” the man supplies.  “Our family is in charge of the ports at Kishijima.”

He nods at the memory.  “Right, yes. Um…” He grasps at polite manners.  “Are you enjoying the dance?”

“Yes, we are.  We might join your parents for a dance ourselves in a moment,” the man answers.

“They dance beautifully,” his wife adds.

They watch his parents for a moment.

Naruto nods, aching to just ask them about the subject of their earlier conversation.  “My parents want me to dance with someone, too...I’ve been looking for a young lady, I thought I saw her…” he lies.  “She has blue hair, light eyes..”  He watches them to gauge their reaction.  He’s far from disappointed.

“Oh, yes, we saw her, didn’t we, dear?” Lady Ayukawa says.  “See, I knew it,” she exclaims, as further realizations come to her.

The man looks thoughtful.  “She may have stepped outside.”

“She is certainly eye-catching.  A young man tried to talk to her, but she brushed him off,” the woman recalls with an amused smile.  “You had better hurry, young master, before someone else gets to her.”

He can feel blood rushing to his head, adrenaline running under his skin, his chest tight with combined disbelief and hope.  He quickly bows with a word of thanks and jogs outside. He looks out from the terrace, scanning the grounds, half-expecting to see her dancing form like the first night.

She’s not there.  

He gulps back the disappointment and descends the steps.  The tall trees and hedges cast their long shadows on the ground, creating dark corners that could easily hide anyone.  He resists scratching his head and messing his hair up.

She can’t be out here, right?  Were they talking about someone else?  She can’t possibly be here.  She left a long time ago.

He looks back toward the ballroom, crowded with people here to have a good time.  Except that he’s not having a good time.  It’s hard to forget someone when people are telling you to.  He never had an easy time with doing what people tell him to do.

Never good with rules, with expectations, with boundaries.  

Why should tonight be any different?  His parents can’t actually expect him to just find someone, right?  He thought it a stroke of fate when he met that young lady.  She was pretty, completely unaware of his rough reputation, curious about him and not his money, very obviously of some sort of noble birth...she checked out in everything his parents could have asked for, she was perfect.

He thought she was perfect.  She held not only similar ideas to his own about social ranks, but she was way more progressive in thought, almost entirely unorthodox regarding family birth...it was fascinating.  Yet everything else about her was so traditionally ladylike, almost too predictable.  Dancing, reading, walking in the gardens.  Easy to please.  Certainly that must be true when she seemed easily amused by him and easily forgiving of him.

He turns around and heads to his gardens.

Maybe she’s there.  Most likely she’s not.  

He remembers her smile the most.  The way she just seemed to grow happier as the night progressed during that first meeting.  How he showed her this plant and that flower.  Two months ago, that tree was full of peach blossoms, and she looked at them with such wonder.  

He’ll never forget that.

Nor how he could see the shyness and propriety melt off of her as she got to know him.  And that smile of hers on their last meeting.  How they danced and danced and danced…

He intakes a sharp breath of air.

He forgets how to breathe.

He stares what feels like forever at the lady sitting at the ledge of one of the lotus pools, her finger caressing the pink petals, a luxurious skirt of dark, shimmery feathers trailing down.

A step toward her breaks her contemplation, and she looks up, blinking in shock.  Her lips part, her light eyes widen.

She hardly has time to stand, to react at all, when he rushes toward her, his hands briefly taking hers before sliding up to hold her forearms.

“What are you doing here?” he asks breathlessly.  “I thought you left!”  Yet there’s no accusation in his tone.  Only surprise, a hint of wonder that brings a smile to her face.

She registers the firmness of his grasp, only to realize that she’s holding his arms just as tightly.  “I-I couldn’t.  I tried, I really tried, but I couldn’t go back...”

He stares, the words barely registering as he takes in the last rays of the sun on her skin.  

“Forgive me...I had to see you again…” she whispers, suddenly shy under his attention.

He smiles.  She had to see him again.  He tries to stifle his smile from growing any wider.  It wouldn’t be a very becoming look.  But the happiness brightening her own expression is too much.  To know that she reciprocates every feeling he holds is a joy he’s never felt before.  He sneaks his thumbs at the skin just beneath the ends of her gloves.  

They gaze at each other for longer.  He’s really here in front of her, as if he knew she’d be here.  She takes in every bit of him.  The exact shade of his skin, the shine of his blue, blue eyes, the way his brows have strands slightly darker than his blond hair, the dimple on his cheek, his lips…

He should have said something in reply by now, but he has no words.  It’s his default with her, never saying or asking the right things.  He’s heard stories of people falling in love with looks and regretting it, cautionary tales from his mother and father that he never thought would happen to him, but so be it.  He hardly knows her.  That’s fine.  He’s always broken the rules.  His story will be one to join the many.

It’s a relief to allow it, to feel it.  

The softness of her lips on his.

The clench in his heart finally freeing from the confines of his chest, and he can breathe again in slow, slight, aching pulls that make his body feel heavy but his extremities light.

She tightens her hold on his forearms, fuzzy clouds filling her head, a fluttering in her gut, tingles sparking through her legs.  In all scenarios of them meeting again, and not one had been like this.

Wilder than even her wildest dreams.  

She lets her hands slide up his sleeves to his shoulders, fitting herself more easily in his arms that hesitantly come to rest around her back.  But there they settle, his fingers pressing solidly into the material as his lips brush against hers once more.

Another gentle kiss sends a flush through him from his head to his toes.  She doesn’t pull away, so he lets them meet for a fourth, a fifth, and he loses count when her fingers start to tease at his collar and his core starts to twist.  He lifts his head, opening his eyes to see her lashes unwillingly flutter open.

We were kissing.  The thought is unbelievable, and yet, here they stand, closer than she’s ever been to anyone, their bodies only a breath away from each other.

“I missed you,” he says, barely above a whisper.

“I missed you, too,” she replies.  

It doesn’t take much to give in to her sweetly dazed expression, to lean down and kiss her again.  

And it doesn’t take much for her to lean in to his promised warmth.  To let his heat spread from her cheeks, through her arms, and down to her toes.  It makes her brows pinch together; it makes her fingers feel like grasping onto something solid, to pull at the cloth of his vest; it makes her feel like tippy-toeing to reach out for something more, for his something more.

She brings him closer, and he embraces her tighter, feeling the rise of her shoulder blade and the narrow of her waist in his hands, chest shuddering against the knowledge of her bosom pressed to him, tasting the softness of her lips, only to suddenly find the softness of her own curious tongue.  Hesitation slips away.  He loves this.  He loves the way she looks.  He loves the way she feels.  He loves the way she holds him and kisses him, and the way she lets herself be held by him.  He loves it.  He loves her, and isn’t that fine?

Isn’t it fine?  To love him?

She doesn’t want to let him go even as she quickly realizes that the kiss is moving too fast.  In all propriety, she should not be clinging to him, encouraging him by keeping him pulled close.  But once it ends, once the kiss ends, he’ll have questions.  So she leans into him for another kiss.  

Just for now.

Just for another minute of him.

Just to memorize the way his arms feel wrapped around her.  To commit to memory his intimate breath and the solidity of his shoulders.  

To experience this kiss.  

It should feel shameful, but it doesn’t.  One meeting leads to another, and another, and any thoughts of guilt are forgotten.

A match strikes within her, lighting her in anticipation.  She can’t breathe, but she doesn’t want to.  It’s his hands and his pressure, steadily gaining weight upon her body.

She feels wanted.

Sensation settles deep, building and building.  It’s something she’s never felt before, coursing through her veins, through her heart, racing.  The taste of his lips and tongue, the sound of him breathless, the feeling of his hands holding her tightly.  

She wonders if he feels it, too.

“Naruto…”

His name from her airy voice, a breath upon his lips, fills him with a desperation unlike any other.  

Everything about this is so wrong.  It’s so wrong and it feels so good.  How he wishes he could say her name in return.  

He gasps hard, trying to regain his sensibility.

She kisses him again, and he leans into it instinctively.

“Wait…” he murmurs.  He tries to breathe.  “Wait…”  He pulls up reluctantly, only to see her, pressing against him, her eyes lidded, her cheeks rosy, her lips swollen.  His heart shoots into his throat.  He can’t possibly ask for her name right now.  Any man with common sense would know that.  He needs to kiss her.  It’s the only thing he can do.  

He kisses her.  Over and over.

Her cute breathy sounds fill his mind, and he keeps going, just to earn that sound of approval.  A heavy tightness gathers at his trousers, a worrying distraction that splits his morality between pressing forward and stopping altogether.  So he stays against her lips, unable to bring himself to separate from her nor engage her in a completely illicit act.

The kiss itself feels amazing enough.  Not just her lips.  Her body.  Her breath.  Her voice.  Her hands at his chest and neck.  He’s never known anything like her.

He feels his brain melting, all sense of time and decency lost.  He can only tell that shadows surround them, concealing their shameful act.  Twilight chased dusk’s last light away before either of them realized, and he thinks neither of them care.

How long has he been gone?

Gone with her.

Oh, he wants to be gone with her all night.

She feels his hands sliding around her waist, up her sides, across the bare of her back, one to her neck.  She registers him pressed against her, hard.  It’s too much.  She knows she messed up, remembering the awful lesson she suffered through in preparation to marry Toneri.  She finally fully realizes what she’s doing to Naruto.

But…

She whispers his name again.

He squeezes her closely.

She can’t get enough of this.  And she’s luring him on, closer.  It’s unbelievable to her that she can entice him so.  She can feel how he kisses her harder when she sighs or gasps.  She can hear his hum of satisfaction when she presses against him.  

It’s altogether too shameful.  

She should feel ashamed.  

She should.  He doesn’t even know who she really is.  But she can’t possibly tell him now.  Not when she desires him so, and he so obviously reciprocates.

Just for tonight.

Just for one more night!

She twists her hips, feeling the pressure of his ardor against the heat pooling within her.  

He shudders, breaking the kiss to let out a gasp, almost a groan.  

It’s something completely unknown to her, and she kisses him again, wondering at the mystery between them.  She wants more from him.  He gives her shades of light and dark she’s never experienced before.  Feelings so pure and honest; feelings so wrong and deceitful.

It fills her with suspense.  

His fingers reaching through her hair, keeping her lips locked on his.  His pelvis pushing against her, rubbing against her.  His breath hot on hers.  His arm wrapped around her waist.

She steps back against his leaning weight, and he presses forward.  She realizes he’s walking her back, directing her somewhere, right when the back of her legs hit the bench.  Her knees, weak from their tryst, easily give out.

He stands above her, his chest and shoulders heaving.  He bends down over her, connecting their breath again.  His hand threads through her hair, pulling her pins, her hairpiece out, until she can feel her long hair spilling down her back.

It’s such an intimate act.  

Ladies never wear their hair completely loose around gentlemen.  And she’s never had her hair touched by a man before. She gazes up at him as he smooths his hand down her hair.

The air feels heavy between them.

“Miss…”  He doesn’t know what he wants to say.  He wants something.  He ardently wants something.  He needs relief.  He needs her to comfort him, to give him her sweetness, her softness.  Everything about her excites him, thrills him, and he needs her to do something about it.  He needs to be closer to her, he just wants to know her.  Everything about her.  Inside and outside, he wants her to be his.

He wants to love her.

To leave himself with her, irrevocably, permanently.  To receive her, to have her.

To see her.

Feel her.

Every part of her.

He sits beside her.  They kiss, but her lips and tongue aren’t enough.  He slides his hand over her feathered skirt, feeling the angle at her hip, the round of her thigh, testing her boundaries with him.

She gasps away from his kiss, and he watches her look down at his hand.

He waits for her reaction to his intentions, hoping that her heavy breaths, shivering body, and misted eyes are an indication of how much she wants him.

Nothing about this is right, but he was never really a good boy anyway.  

If she agrees, he can take her back to his chambers.  They can get to know each other without worry. It can be just the two of them.  Just her and him.

“Do you know what you do to me?” he murmurs to her.  Not just tonight, but ever since they met.  He'd been dreaming of kissing her since that second night, and this, this is far better than he thought a kiss could ever feel like.

She turns away, hiding her face from him, her long hair sliding over her small, pale shoulder.

He thinks to encourage her back into his arms when the sight of her strikes him as...odd.  His gaze traces over her thick, inky hair, and when she turns to peek at him, he watches her lowered eyes.  Before he can process any of it, he’s whispering a name.  “Bucchi?”

She looks up in alarm, her eyes wide.

His hand retracts from her leg.  “You’re...Bucchi, aren’t you?”  His eyes, straining in the dark, searches her face, looking at her as if he never saw her properly before.

She wants to deny it.  She’s not Bucchi.  But she’s not “Hinata,” either.  She hasn’t been in a long time.  She’s not anyone.

He reaches for her, but she suddenly stands.

She doesn’t want to be Bucchi.  She wants to be someone else.  Someone who’s right for him.  She steps away.

He doesn’t move.  A belated expression of shock seems to be dawning on his face, and it makes her feel so ugly.

So ugly.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.  “I didn’t mean to… I didn’t...I didn’t…”  Her heart breaks at his dumbfounded stare.  And she flees.

She shuts the door of her room and curls up in her bed.  She stifles her sobs in her blanket and wishes the dark could swallow her whole.

He sits in the garden, suddenly alone.  One moment, heat and attraction were nearly suffocating him into madness.  The next moment…

He’s not sure what on earth happened.  

All he knows is he was kissing the maid.

But logically he can’t make sense of it.  They seem so different.  Bucchi, so timid and silent.  The Miss, alluring and fascinating.

How could he have known with one always looking away from him and the other looking like Heaven’s jewels?

Still, the Miss and Bucchi are obviously one and the same.

Obviously.

He wants to hit himself for being so ridiculously, stupidly blind.

He didn’t know a maid could be so eye-catchingly gorgeous, so heartachingly desirable.

He blinks himself into awareness.

She ran away.

No, he let her run away while his slow-as-a-turtle brain processed.

And he’s still processing.  Like the fact that every time she ran away, he never found her because he never thought to check the servants’ quarters.  Or that she, Bucchi, never looked at him because she didn’t want him to recognize her.  And that she never told him her name or where she’s from because she didn’t want him to know that she’s a maid.

Or did she want him to figure it out?

She said things like “comb” and “bath” because…

His cheeks flame worse than during the kiss.  Oh...nooooo…  She wasn’t being timid because she is timid.  Oh NOOOOO…  Realizations hit him too quick, and he’s hiding his face in his hands, slumped over, in terrible embarrassment.  She was right there while I was…no wonder she couldn’t look at me!...  And then she was combing my hair…  He thinks he might die from his heart spasming from such severe embarrassment.

There was that time, too, after the rainstorm…  For a second he’s filled with self-righteousness at having been correct that day, until he remembers the way he grabbed at her.

Embarrassing memories, just one after another flood him.  

He was pining away right in front of her before that second ball.  Just laying out all his insecurities for her to see.

What was she thinking during all of that?

Oh gods.  He doesn’t want to know what she was thinking.  What she must think of him!  He never acted suave in front of the maids because he never thought he needed to impress them.  Kimiko and Shion have always been sort of like his confidants, more like family than anything else.  He pretty much grew up with them around.  So he acted no different in front of Bucchi.

The way he was sighing and moping in his bedchambers right in front of her.

It’s mortifying.

His fingers run through his hair with the stress.

His mind flashes back again to when he last saw the maid.  The way he grabbed her arm that day!  That really was her, and he just manhandled her thoughtlessly, and he’d never have done that to a woman, anyway, but to her.  To her.  In front of her.  

How could she still like him even after that?

He sits there, frozen, staring at the ground.  His sight slides over to her shiny hairpins and feather hairpiece left on the bench.  He picks it up, remembering the vision she presented when he found her here earlier.

He kissed her.  They kissed passionately, in fact, and if he hadn’t finally recognized her, they might have gone even further.

He stands in panic.

He needs to see her.  She ran because she thought he must have rejected her.  He’s still hopelessly in love with her.  He needs her to know that.

He runs out of the gardens and dashes toward the servants’ quarters.  He runs through the halls of their bedchambers.  He has no idea if she’s in any of them, so he calls her name aloud, hoping she might respond.  

Nothing.

He runs up to the kitchens.

“Master Naruto!”  Servants call his name in surprise.

“What do you need, sir?”

His intrusion completely halts their work.  Everyone stops what they’re doing to look at him.

He looks out-of-sorts.  His hair is noticeably mussed.  His shirt is wrinkled.  Their stares focus in on the hairpiece in his hand.

“Are you alright, Master Naruto?” a cook asks.

Naruto’s gaze darts anxiously from face to face, none of them the one he wants to see.  

“Master Naruto?”

He takes a moment to calm his breath.  “...I’d like to speak with..Bucchi.”  He tries to tame his feelings of embarrassment, which are threatening to explode across his face and color his skin a telling red.  “...Has anyone seen her?”

The servants look around.  One of the cooks hollers her name out, as if she might be hiding in another room, which, honestly, everyone half-expects with the young master in the vicinity.  Murmurings rise when she doesn’t appear.  “She could be helping to clean the rooms?”  “Maybe she’s in the scullery?”

“Sir, I think I might know where she is,” Shizuka says, speaking up.  She nods assuredly to the fellow staff.  “I can take you to her.”

“Thank you.”  He follows the maid to a quiet hallway, far from the kitchens.  He’s surprised when the maid abruptly turns around.

“Master Naruto, so...she told you?”  The maid looks at him worriedly.

He stares at her for a second to collect his thoughts.  “She didn’t tell me anything…”

Shizuka looks at the feather hairpiece in his hand.

“This is Bucchi’s, isn’t it?” he asks.  “I need to speak with her.  Do you know where she is?”  Impatience threatens to leak through, but it’s obvious that Shizuka is his lover’s friend.

“I thought...I thought she was with you, sir,” Shizuka replies quietly.

He keeps himself from grimacing.  “She was...and then, I thought maybe she returned here.”  

Shizuka pauses and then nods, turning back around.  She leads him down a hall he hadn’t ventured into and to a shut door, where she stops and knocks.  “Bucchi, are you in there?” She leans her ear against the door.  When she doesn’t hear a response, she goes on, “I’m coming in, okay?”  She turns the door handle and looks at Naruto pointedly.

“I’ll...wait out here.”  He can’t just go into a woman’s room, even if it’s the servants’ quarters.

“I apologize, Master Naruto.  I will try to bring her to you if she is in here,” she whispers.  She turns the handle and enters, shutting the door behind her.  In the dark, she can barely make out the lump of her friend on the bed.

“Bucchi?”

“...Shizuka…”

She approaches carefully to her bedside.  She wants desperately to ask what happened, but now is not the best time.  “Master Naruto wants to speak with you, Bucchi.  He is waiting right outside for you.”

Hinata turns her head in confusion, and then rolls over to face her friend.  She doesn’t believe it.  She was crying in humiliation and shame just a moment ago and only managed in the past few minutes to slightly calm herself.  “...Really?”

“Yes.  Are you able to talk to him?  He really wants to talk to you.”

Hinata touches her swollen eyes.  She’s still in her dress, but she must look like a complete mess.  Not to mention her long hair is all over the place.

“What happened?  Were you crying?” Shizuka asks, realizing the state that Bucchi is in.  “Are you okay?  I can try to ask him to leave if you are indisposed.”

“I should...I should talk to him.”  

Shizuka frowns, wondering what happened.  Bucchi said that she would talk to him, but instead, it seems that something went wrong.  She helps Bucchi sit up and get out of bed.  “Are you sure?”

“Y-yes, I’m sorry, Shizuka, for the trouble.”  Hinata does her best to fix her hair, but it’s useless.  She tries to wipe her face clear, but she knows she must look awful.  Crying never looked good on her.  She decides to change out of her gown at least.  Slipping out of the tight-fitting material is another call back to reality.  She’s not anything fancy.  She’s just a maid.  She cracks the door open, keeping her head bowed, and catches sight of his shoes.  Shame engulfs her once more.  She made him go looking for her again.  And this time, he found her.  “M-m-master Naruto, I’m so sor-”

“Don’t!” he interrupts, a bit too loudly.  He sees her shoulders tense.  “Don’t call me like that.”  Hearing that from her makes him feel sick.  And why won’t she look at him?  Even if she’s a maid, it’s been clear to him that she wasn’t always one.  She has no business calling him that way, not after everything.

“N-naruto, I’m sorry f-for deceiving you.”

“No.  No, no, don’t apologize, Bucchi, I understand.”  He looks up from her bowed head to see Shizuka standing awkwardly behind her.  “Thank you, Shizuka,” he says as a way to acknowledge and dismiss her.

She nods quickly, rubs Bucchi’s back, and scampers away.

Naruto waits for her to leave before taking a deep breath.  He turns his attention back to the young woman before him, the dream that’s been haunting him, his lover.  All he can see of the beautiful lady is the top of her head, her long hair cascading over her strange coat.  She seems so much smaller. Even still, it’s her, but the difference is so incredible, he feels now that he really doesn’t know her, that he has no business touching her at all.  “...Come with me.  Where we can talk somewhere private,” he invites quietly.

She nods, still unable to meet his eyes.

He navigates them as quickly as possible through the halls, and she follows at a respectful distance.  To anyone watching, no one would know of their relationship.  He opens the door to his bedchamber, quickly realizing the irony of the situation.  He had been thinking of bringing her here earlier in the evening to get to know each other.  Now he really means it.

His entrance immediately alerts Kimiko and Shion.  “Master Naruto, you’re back early. Is anything the matter?”

Many things are of matter right now, but first, “I need to speak with Bucchi, alone, please.  And I don’t want any interruptions.”

Their eyes shift to the shy maid in confusion before they leave the two of them alone.  

When the door is securely shut, silence settles between them.  

Hinata’s hands twist together anxiously.  She doesn’t know what to expect now.  He said he understands, but does he?  What does he understand?  She glances up at him in curiosity.

“You’re finally looking at me.”

She drops her gaze again.

“Bucchi, no...Miss.  Please.”

She looks up at him, slowly meeting his eyes that are surprisingly soft.  It encourages her to stand straighter, to relax her grip on her fingers.

“What’s your real name?”  He steps closer, carefully.  “Won’t you tell me, please?”

She doesn’t know his intentions.  If she gives him her real name, he can certainly send her back to Konoha.  She shifts uncomfortably as he draws closer.  It would be rude of her to step away from him.  “M-my real name is of no importance to you, N-naruto.  I’m just..just a maid...I lost my name when I arrived in Uzushio.”

“Then, where did you come from?”  He doesn’t like that she still looks scared.  What makes her think that he’ll hurt her?  “Please don’t say you’re from Towel,” he tries half-jokingly.  

She bites her lips in shame at how she tricked him twice.  “I-I’m sorry.” She lets her gaze drop, but he quickly steps up to her, his fingers at her cheek.  

“Look at me.  Don’t look away anymore.”  He trains his gaze on hers until her light eyes are on him, too.  “Nothing’s different to me.  I still see you.  And, it’s me.”  He pauses to see if she understands him.  “It’s just me.”

Just him.  Hinata studies him, matching his words with his expression.  He doesn’t sound or look angry. Concerned, definitely, but not really upset.

“I just want to know you.”  

She can feel herself breathing easier.

“Bucchi, Miss, do you know?”

She looks at him in confusion.  When he doesn’t go on, she asks quietly, “...Do I know…?”

He smiles at hearing her voice, calmer now.  “I don’t think you know.  That even now, I want to kiss you.”  He watches her blush.  “But I don’t know you.  And you don’t know how much I want to know you…”  Now that he can see her face clearly again, and so, so close, close enough to kiss, he finds it hard to focus on anything other than her soft skin.  Her makeup looks smeared...from tears...but that only makes him want to kiss her fears away.  It would be so easy to just continue where they left off.  It’s frustrating to think that he’s the only one so affected, that she can leave him so easily, that she really did leave him, even after their tryst in the garden.  It’s not fair.  Not fair at all.  “Is it the same for you?  Do you want to know me?”

“Yes,” she whispers.  “Yes, Naruto, I want to know you, too.”  She says this as earnestly as she can.

“Then...tell me about yourself.”

She nods and swallows her hesitation.  Nervously, she takes his hand, letting him feel the roughness of her fingers that her gloves had concealed all this time.  She avoids his gaze, not wanting to see his reaction to her work-worn hands.  “I...I’m from a land of great forests.  I disguised myself, ran away from home, boarded the trading ships, and...and ended up here.”  She takes a deep breath, readying herself for his questions.

[riddlerosehearts]

haven't watched the animal crossing direct yet but from what i'm hearing i might finally have to decide what to do with my island!