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megameatymatt · 9 hours

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Step By Step - Matt Sturniolo

summary: Matt finds out about y/n's ED relapse

WARNINGS: e@t!ng d!sorder, swearing, throwing up, gagging, crying, self-hatred/insecure, feelings of hopelessness, overthinking

If you or anyone you know is dealing with an ED or substance abuse, call or text: 1-800-662-4357.

word count: 766

requested?: nope

A/N: I was feeling sad so all of you must suffer with me. Feedback, interaction, and requests are appreciated! ok bye

Pink: Y/n

Blue: Matt

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Matt knows you've dealt with an eating disorder in the past. He wasn't there during it, but you've talked to him about it and answered some of his questions. It didn't make you any less perfect in his eyes. To him, all that mattered was you being okay. But you weren't.

Four years later, you feel like you're falling back into it all over again—all the progress you've made, discarded within just a couple weeks.

You stare at yourself in the mirror and wish someone different stared back at you. You pinch at the skin on your thighs, stomach, and arms and wish the fat would disappear.

You sob silently. How can someone hate themselves so much, How couldn't you hate yourself so much, Y/n? Look at you, just look at you! You're lucky matt even stays. Thoughts circle around your head like a halo. Leaving you in nothing but shatters.

You walk to the toilet, shove a finger down your throat, and gag

The cycle begins.

Two weeks later, you walk into your kitchen to find Matt standing there. "Good morning, angel, I'm making pancakes. How many do you want." The thought of putting food in your mouth makes you sick. "Um, Matt, I'm not hungry." Matt frowns. "You love my pancakes, baby, what's the matter?" you shuffle through your brain, thinking of an excuse. "I'm full from last night, Y'know, the pizza." You, Matt, nick, and Chris had had a movie night. The boys ordered pizza and snuggled up on the couch as you all giggled.

"I watched you the whole night, Y/n, I didn't see you take a single slice," he says, flipping a pancake. "In fact i haven't seen you eat much at all lately, You alright?" Eat? How can he suggest such a thing? doesn't he want me to be pretty? i wanna be good enough to wear a bikini. I wanna be good enough to wear skin tight dresses, i wanna be good enough for him.

You shake away these thoughts trying your best to keep your composure. "I'm good, just give me one okay?" you say letting out a sigh. He smiles "Comin' right up princess" He hands you a plate with a pancake, syrup, whipped cream and some strawberries. Matt has already started digging into his own plate.

just a few bites Y/n, just let Matt think you're okay

You pick up your fork and knife with shaky hands, cut yourself a piece and quickly shove it it your mouth. Your body wants to immediately reject it, but you take a few more bites.

As soon as you swallow your first bite, it flies back up your throat. You get up and run to the bathroom. Matt follows you with concern. "Are my pancakes that bad?" he says, running after you. But as he walks into the bathroom. He notices how frail you've become. Tears are running down your eyes, and he finally realizes. You finish puking and flush the toilet and lean against the wall, almost lifelessly.

A few tears escape Matt's eyes. How could he be so stupid? how didn't he put it together? It was so obvious. He could've helped you. Why would you do this?

He runs out of the bathroom to get a glass of cold water, then quickly comes back to hold you. The only thing that could escape from his mouth was "Why"? "Just look at me, Matt, I hate it, I hate my body so fucking much, Matt, you don't even understand," you say, trying your best to yell, tears running down your face.

Matt is completely taken aback "But you're so beautiful, baby, You're hurting yourself. You were doing so good." You sob in Matt's arms, barely able to speak. "I-I'm sorry, Matt. I just wanted to be pretty." Your words felt like a knife in Matt's stomach.

''I tried so hard to fight it, Matt, I didn't want to go down this path again. I promised you I wouldn't. The words spill out like vomit, "But I did it anyway, Matty." You whine, "And it's worse than before. I'm so ashamed Matt. I'm sorry i'm putting you through this" Tears rush you your face, and you're shaking uncontrollably. The knife in Matts stomach only gets pushed deeper and deeper. "I'm sorry i never noticed Y/n, i'm so fucking stupid. The signs were so clear, i could've helped you." He wipes the tears off your cheeks. "But i'm gonna help you now baby." "I can't Matt" "we're gonna do it together okay? Step by step, Y/n. We'll be just fine"

Taglist: @sturnobsessedwh0re

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foe-paw · 9 months

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YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD OUTSMART THE VERY THING THAT RUNS THE BLOOD OF YOUR KIND?

#starkid #black friday #team starkid #hatchetfield #uncle wiley #wilbur cross #foe art #my brain disease re. this weasel guy in full denim continues #in Mine own headcanon he was very similar to john mcnamara when he entered the portal - a strongly moral person and a patriot #but wiggly manages to establish that the only way for wilbur to get what he wants (to help his country even though it is sick and militaris #and poisoned with consumerism and the chase for money above all else-#(wilbur cross is an anticapitalist is what i'm saying)#anyways yeah. wiggly sells despair and wrath and convinces him that the Only Way to save the world is through wiggly's ways!#no hope otherwise!#so....... why not become a comically evil double-crossing full-denim satan archetype!#also fun fact it took me two whole watches of black friday before realizing wiley wasn't meant to be literally satan #he's only figuratively satan!#the anticapitalist activist we deserve :]

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silusvesuius · 23 days

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n*loth not being able to bag anyone over the (human term) age of 25-30 at most is the only logical and real conclusion to me because it can be just explained away as him wanting to prove and control everything and anyone (Cus he's a man!) but being stuck in that demographic because his unbearable and vile personality is a force that nobody can look past once they've outgrown the possible fear and idolization period of anyone but also n*loth in particular.

#text #i think even younger ones that possess the same nasty traits can be slammed back 'In their place' (in his mind) by him just bc his -#- abilities and power alone (alt. name the factors that make him 'Cool') that dumbs them down insanely in comparison #maybe by this i mean like; ild*ri. despite the animosity she could still feel very foolish and is conscious of her wuss-ness #if that makes sense #cause no matter the disrespect anyone might have for an older capable person the reality is still reality #tbh i just think he doesn't like to sweat it much and still aims for the younger ones bc it's easier than it would be for someone that's -#- 30+ years old #and once he's proven his point he doesn't find any merit in sticking with older ones cause their interests or anything they offer -#- don't matter to or interest Him personally #i think an older demographic is just more boring to him and he would rather spend his time being metaphorically sucked off for his greats -#- by someone that already finds themselves 'lesser' than him and always will for a long time #than someone that is defiant of that fact #basically the more power imbalance the better #in his mind there will always be one unless he certainly knows someone is his equal (or better than him) but he likes the add-on of an -#- age difference too #keeps it in a safe zone with less problems for him #sorry for spitting again my brain just started machine-gunning thoughts for no reason #also i said before that he's an innocence fan. might not be a total puritan but there's something there #it's kinda like him not wanting to be with a dusty ''OLD'' person that's seen a lot anyway #i'm like barely able to hold myself back from opening my mouth to mention t*lvas where i'm making a point about n*loth's brain where he -#- isn't even needed to prove it #but like #him voicing dislike of n*loth general nauseating character and actions but still sucking up to him while n*loth can probably feel -#- that dislike anyway is cute to me i like to view it as an object being thrown into the wall over and over #where n*loth is proving his own worth to other people by drilling their brains out with proof. not that he needs to #but he would like that to be perfected a 100%#and t*lvas is capable of being molded into that state ....... probably #silusvesuisuis you didnot just confess to wanting to see t*lvas be slammed into a wall you fucked up demented beast you're sick #actually can't believe i forgot to mention this but he's literally so immature idk what he has anything in common with actual mature people

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icewindandboringhorror · 5 months

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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

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kiankiwi · 1 month

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I am not having a good day. Gonna try and write to calm down while I listen to angry music

vent in tags

#I am so fucking sick and tired of my brain.#The world not being set up for autistic people to thrive.#ALL I am asking for is a job and to make money and live a life just like everyone else.#That's literally all I want #isn't so hard for the neurotypicals #but for me #and I'm so mad at my own brain right now

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skwivr · 2 days

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-

#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling #every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair #i am really struggling this time #every day is a struggle to get through #i'm losing my hair #i'm losing my reasons to live #i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human #i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke #i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart #whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor #and that i should do some shit to make me happy #and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids #for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon #like this isn't a way to live a life #i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy #i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point #i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over #if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there #i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something #i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me #i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager #i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes #and i want the will to actually get up in the morning #i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better #but i realize now they won't #i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them #i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh #and no one's coming to save me #i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody #is this how it's supposed to be

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nodominion · 1 year

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The misogyny in this fandom: gross. Especially in a series written by a woman who pioneered the entire modern vampire genre.

The thing that gets me just as much: the anti-intellectualism. While VC may take place in a parallel universe to our own, one with vampires and witches and aliens, the history is grounded in our history. It's very clear that AR studied history, and while she wrote embellishments and changed details, the world of VC is our world. That is what makes it so interesting and inviting to readers. This is not a purely fictitious realm. The idea that these vampires could exist right alongside historical events is the draw.

I love learning. I love reading historical research and how it informs headcanons. I may not agree with everyone's takes, but you know what I do when I don't: I shut my fucking mouth. We are all entitled to interpret these books as we please, and fandom shouldn't be cannibalizing itself when book fans are already the minority on tumblr compared to show fans.

#i'm on my own little island in this fandom #the ROSE island #and if i get blocked for this by people so be it #i'm sick of being put down for being a woman with a brain

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grocerystoreanxiety · 15 days

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Being a hater towards the ed today, shit’s super fucking dumb. What am I planning to achieve with this???? Literally like it doesn’t even go the way your ed-brain wants you to think, like you get to ur ugw and suddenly everyone is jealous & wants to look lik you. Like nah, you’ll just get pity & weird looks from strangers bc everyone can see you’re not doing well and they’ll treat you as if you’re dumber than you are (the infantilization of ed ppl is so real out there (whole another topic but in short: I hate it)), what the actual fuck am I doing this for ?????

#like I already have issues with ’’ppl don’t take me serious bc i’m a woman in stem’’-disease and like pair that up with looking #non-adult?? like that’s fucking not it #and obv my brain doesn't work the way it should when I'm restricting and that's the only thing I need truly #like I used to be smart and able to focus well and all that why tf would I take away the only thing I have going for me #but I also don't want to fucking stop so like goddamnit & fuck I can feel my brain melting a lil bit more each day <3 #and I keep thinking like some weeks ago there was a clearly sick/anorexic (skinny like very much so) person out and it wasn't the ''everyon #started to look in envy as they elegantly daintily made their way past'' like it was ppl giving pitiful looks and that fucking sucks but #that's just the reality bc no one ever minds their own business #I remember in my lw (was like bmi 16) my coworkers still kept giving me that same look and the ''r u okay''s like it's not all #fun and games like you'd think it is; good for internet but not sure how it'd work in everyday ''trying to pretend to be a real life #adult who has their shit together''-way; it waters that pretension down quite a bit and I can't afford that; I'm already scrambling #so like could I stop thinking abt going to the seriously underweight bmi; a lil bit is fine bc some ppl just look like that but like ugh #i don't even know what the point is; I'm just mad at myself here like why did I get myself into this like I can't seem to get out #bc I want to but I rly don't;#I want to get worse and that fucks me up like wHY when I know I also don't want to like jesus christ ppl weren't kidding abt it feeling lik #ur brain has two diff sides fighting all the time #i hate this with all my might today yay and ironically enough I'm going to starve abt it <3 logic !!!! we love it !!!!!!!!!#this too should stay as a draft but alas send post

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disdaidal · 8 months

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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.

Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3

#personal #i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week #i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here #but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting #i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday #where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get #after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks #but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that #what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed #so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try #because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times #which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even #so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call #from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today #and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out #'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out #because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own #i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still #but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously #so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me #i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but #at least i'd know #anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing #sorry

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thunderheadfred · 5 months

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Doubling up my sertraline dose for this last trimester and postpartum, on the recommendation of the midwives. I do think I've been feeling the new imbalance over the last few weeks especially. Extra weight and blood volume means that the low starter dose I've been on for years just isn't cutting it anymore. I've been doing so well with my capital-D Depression for the last few years, I sort of forgot what this lack felt like. Today I said to my partner, that even after having a spiritual awakening or whatever the fuck happened to me last summer, I still have to recognize my physical body has this chemical imbalance. The inherited biological wackiness of my brain is not magically fixed by wisdom or meditation or... really much of anything except a re-balancing of chemicals that it fails to produce on its own. I can help that along holistically with diet and other habits to reinforce a healthier hormone balance, but the majority of the weight is pulled by a single tiny pill. It's good to remind myself of this, and to remember to take the damn pills so you can remember why life is worth living???

#it's good that I have years of experience #so that now I can recognize Depression from miles away #before it gets so bad that digging back out is its own mountain to climb #now it's just... “oh the brain is doing the sick thing time to adjust the Medicine”#whether that's literal prescription medication or more sunlight or better food or time with plants and animals... there are many helpers #but the drugs are very important and I must not forget #I'm dwelling on this because with my mental health history I'm rightly paranoid about an extreme postpartum relapse #and I don't want to perpetuate the abuse that was done to me by mentally ill parents #so #a lot of self checking #fred is pregnant

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mosspapi · 2 months

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Once again trying to decide whether or not I should make a dedicated sideblog for my sh shit. We live in a society bottom text

#I'm p sure I've made the exact same post like. 7 times now lmao #I'm just like. Idfk man it's such a complicated thing for me #on one hand I'm so sick of hiding parts of myself. on the other hand I don't want ppl to see it and get triggered #bcuz the stuff I want to b posting abt it isn't really recovery focused I am Struggling lmao #and I know I'd accidentally post half of it to here anyways but then it wouldn't have the same warnings n shit so it'd b worse #idfk man idk what I wanna do abt it im just havin a rough week and wanna post abt it but feel like I can't #thru nobody's fault but my own stupid brain lmao #armchair speaks #tw sh related

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peribirb · 6 months

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sick to bastard death of myself if I'm being honest

#sick of the shit my brain latches onto and obsesses over #sick of the pit of guilt i feel for even thinking about these things in the first place #sick of feeling so disconnected from everyone and everything #sick of feeling like I'm fundamentally not enough and not present enough in my own life to even entertain being in others lives #sick of being so directionless and having nothing to drive me #and frankly I'm sick of wanting to be dead #i wish literally anything felt worth fighting for #oh also sick of this Brain Disease that literally just exists to make all of these emotions infinitely worse. love that thanks #vent #delete later #it's been a Bad Night #i keep doing the “alone on a Friday night god you're pathetic” thing to myself but unironically #hope i can get some sleep i guess

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topaztimes · 5 months

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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that

#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews #Maybe another filler. Just for some fun #Is this enough?#It certainly is now #Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight #'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing #I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea #What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed #I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore #I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done #I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though #I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward #I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme #Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way #God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs #It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days #Literally what am I doing this for #And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life #Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me #Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus #I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore #It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until

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apocalypticdemon · 1 month

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So anxious I can't sleep. Forgot to buy a parking pass for school. Went to the office. They said they gave me a spot. No charges on my account indicating I got the spot. No confirmation email. Not confident I actually have a place to park. Can't fucking afford to pay for parking every day. Don't know where any good parking near the university even is bc nobody will tell me fucking anything. Don't know what to do if I don't have a garage space. School starts on Monday. I am Suffering and would like for it to stop happening

#its my own fault too bc i forgot. and then when i remembered i wanted to wait to make sure i could comfortably afford it.#waited more. forgot again.#and i am so SICK OF IT. i hate my brain. i hate it here. i hate it. there has not been a single smooth start to a semester #since i started grad school. it sucks.#im barely functional bc my job straight up exacerbated my depression to the point where i was barely functional.#and now i am having such acute anxiety that i'm not getting tired. it's 2:15 AM and i want to cry.#can't do amything right and I'm so sick of it. why can't i just be good at things why must everything feel like i'm being skinned alive #i hate it here. i just want to stop feeling like this and i don't know how. i am so tired of it

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whysamwhy123 · 8 months

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HALLEJUAH!! I REMEMBERED HOW TO ACTUALLY FINISH WRITING SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE!!

Of course, it's not any of the fics I wanted to finish. I went back to what is essentially my bread-and-butter now and wrote a short-ish, random OrangeHook fluff. But considering how much writing's been a struggle as of late, I'm just glad that I successfully finished something. I was back in one of those stretches where I couldn't seem to write much of anything. And this fic isn't about their age difference or Hook being a cuddlebug, so...progress?

Unless I decide I completely hate it (which is always a possibility) expect something to drop on Valentine's Day, tis the season, after all.

#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write #Small victories you know?#Will I ever get sick of OrangeHook?? Apparently not #Can't even remember the last time they interacted on screen but that ain't stopping my brain LOL #On a more serious note - I really do hope that I can get back into the swing of things and make some real progress #On the bigger fics I want to work on #I want to finish the messy angst OrangeHook fic at some point even if it's unlikely to appeal to anyone #Annnnnd deep down in my cold dead heart I still wanna make an honest attempt at that DG Dead Dove fic #Even though that would be even more unappealing + a huge undertaking because that bitch would be loooooooooong #Also I had a slightly less angsty OrangeHook idea recently about them having their first fight and I wanna write that too for some reason #And there's still a part of me that really wants to continue Business/Pleasure because I have soooo many ideas for that AU #But that would require me to get over my inability to write smut #And I don't know how to do that (would appreciate any advice on that if you've got some...)#But at the same time I don't wanna beat myself up for not being able to write much - if anything - most days #This is a hobby after all - it's supposed to be fun #There ain't no deadline and it's not like I'm letting anybody down #Just gotta do at my own place #And write whatever absolute trash I want to write 😈#My tags are always so obsessive like SHUT THE FUCK UP SAM #But if you've actually read all these - hey. Thanks. Love ya 😘

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undying-lilies · 11 months

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you ever sit down to write and be like. wow. my writing is not writing today

#to be fair I'm recovering from being sick AND it's ~that time of the month~ so like #makes sense #but my characters won't leave my brain 😭😂#if only I could read my own book lolol

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