#i'm so unhappy with myself that i was only able to post it late

[fireplceashes]

STRANGER THINGS LADIES APPRECIATION WEEK

Day 2: favourite dynamic - Elmax (+ hands)

[cuppykin]

So my post before I left was vague, let me tell you guys what's up in more detail

This will be very long, and not very pleasant to read, so if you want some news related to how I'm going to post, it'll be here: I probably won't go back to regular posting for a long time and instead just post art/writing here that I think you guys would like to see, but for more details, read below

If you still want to reach me off social media, my Discord username is still Cuppykin. You're free to show me cool stuff you find on the internet in my DMs

I am currently seeking therapy at the moment, and the reason why I can't stay on social media much anymore is because I was at a breaking point, and with the elections coming around in the US, i have a lotta fears

Avoiding my fears by not looking at the internet is impossible, but I'm afraid of a lot of things. And seeing my fear shared by many I thought would be comforting, but instead its stopped me from enjoying anything I do in my day to day without thoughts of something bad happening to me because of the things I love. I'm a queer black artist who draws and writes nsfw content and has verbalized my distaste for the state of the US and the politicians who run it, so you can imagine why I'm scared the way I am

But even then, lately every time I look at social media I just scroll until I see something that upsets me, and then I continue and repeat. And that's extended into other stuff. Looking at things until I see something that upsets me, but it seems I reached a breaking point because when i DO see something thats a sensitive topic for me, I start to break down and cant function. Even as I type this I'm still having bad thoughts, most about things that COULD happen in the future but aren't here now and whether or not I should just end my life before things get too bad.

I've been extremely unhappy. At my worst, I couldn't do anything at all and would just. Sit, and think about dying or something to avoid any current or future problems. It's been so so hard, and I don't know when it's going to get better. I wanna be able to do the things I love again without fear and paranoia stopping me, but it's hard.

But the good news is I'm trying. I don't want to be like this for long, and that starts by actually taking steps to improve.

I'm so sorry that this came out of nowhere. I thought I could handle it, but at this current moment I'm at an all time low and I'm trying desperately to find hope in my life for a bright future. Not just for myself, but for most people on this rock we call Earth. I just want to be happy and healthy, and have the people i love AND the people I hate also be happy and healthy. I'm just very tired, and can only hope for better times

[aristocratic-otter]

Woohoo, I'm down to five WIPs again! (Ok, at least two are waiting in the wings. But I officially haven't started writing those yet, so they don't count.) It's late, but I haven't posted in forever, so I'm determined to do that today.

It's been a long time since I posted, and so much glorious work has gone up in that time. Friends, your talent humbles me, and at the same time makes me so proud of the brilliancy of this fandom. Thank you to @cutestkilla, @palimpsessed, @blackberrysummerblog, @nightimedreamersghost, @fatalfangirl, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @thehoneyedhufflepuff, @shemakesmeforget, @artsyunderstudy

Snippets and tags under the cut

From: To Heal a Broken Mind (House AU):

“I regret…I regret so many things. But, most of all, I regret pushing you away. Making you think I hated you. Making you feel less.”

He looks surprised. “Making me think you hated me? You didn’t hate me?”

I shake my head. “I never did. I just…there were so many outside influences in my life, people I desperately wanted to please or impress, and being friendly with Mage’s chosen one would have made those people very unhappy. I’m sorry. I should have made my own decisions about how to act. But I was young, and stupid.”

“We both were, Baz,” Simon says, and he reaches out a hand and lays it over mine. It’s warm and soft. It’s clearly been years since he used it in the kind of manual labour and exercise that used to make his skin hard and calloused. I stare at it. “I was a prat to you, too. I gave as good as I got, honestly. We were both immature brats. I stopped blaming you for that years ago, Baz.”

“I—” I clear my throat, trying to pull back the tears that burn my eyes at his forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. But I’ll take it. I try again. “I want to try again, Snow. Try to be friends, I mean. If you’re willing to give me another chance.”

Simon smiles broadly, and this time there’s no hint of sadness in his face. “I’d love to, Baz.”

If my heart wants to hear those words as “I love you, Baz,” I’ll never tell. 

From: Raising Dragons

I’m desperate enough that I’ve even asked Shepard Bunce for advice. He was the least comforting of all. “I don’t know too many hybrids,” he told me. “And they were all creature/normal hybrids, not creature/mage hybrids. But I do know that the creature powers and instincts were reduced in the hybrid offspring. Like the Jersey devil’s two kids can only make folk anxious with their screams, not out-of-their-mind-with-terror like the screams of their monster parent.”

From: Double Your Pleasure (EGF 2023, posting next week)

Suddenly, I need to see his beautiful eyes. “Baz…” I whisper.

His long, thick black eyelashes quiver, and his pale pink tongue peeks out of his mouth long enough to glide wetly over his lips. Slowly, so slowly, he tilts his head towards me and, when he’s finally facing me, his eyes flicker open. They’re misty with pleasure and so dilated I can only see a ring of pewter around the black irises, but I feel my heart settle into a more contented rhythm once I can see them. 

“I love you,” I whisper.

From: Westward Son (COTTA 2021)

Penelope’s alive and that’s the most important thing, I tell myself as we make the last few short crossings, from island to island and island to shore. I don’t tell Simon that. I know he’d agree with me, but he loved those animals. He’d given them all names and he’d cared for them and babied their every hurt. His face has been drenched with tears on top of river water ever since he realized.

From: Saving Simon Snow

Simon

Two days ago, I was certain I’d be dead of deliberate starvation by now. Two hours ago, I was certain that Baz’s plan had no chance of working, that he’d doomed himself along with me.

Now? I’m certain of nothing. 

I just know that Baz’s life rests on me convincing him to go through with this. I know he hates me. I know that being married to me is probably revolting to him. But I noticed what Baz apparently did not. I am magically cursed to not be able to be unfaithful to him. Baz is not under any compulsion at all. 

Even if I’ll never be happy, even if Baz is forced to keep me hanging around, a perpetual roommate, he can still find love in someone else’s arms. 

From: A secret project, gift fic for members of the discord valentine's exchange (will be posted on AO3 once everyone has gotten their valentines:

“Whoa,” Simon breathes. “D’you think it was real dragons? And are they still there?”

“Not likely,” I answer him. “This city has been settled for far too long for any dragon to be comfortable near it, I think. But they may have been here in the distant past. It was in this region where St. George reputedly slew a dragon. Though those old Christian priests were infamous exaggerators. Probably George fought a crocodile or a monitor lizard.”

Tagging for Wednesday, or just passing along a belated happy Valentine's day to you all, everyone above as well as

@annabellelux, @bazzybelle, @basiltonbutliketheherb, @bookish-bogwitch, @carryonsimoncarryonbaz, @dragoneggos, @excalisbury, @fight-surrender, @fatalfangirl, @facewithoutheart, @giishu, @ionlydrinkhotwater, @ivelovedhimthroughworse, @johnwgrey, @jbrrring, @jasonfunderberkerthefrogexists, @krisrix, @larkral, @letraspal, @messofthejess, @moodandmist, @martsonmars, @mostlymaudlin, @nightimedreamersghost, @onepintobean, @prettylightsbigcity, @raenestee, @theearlgreymage, @technetiumai, @tea-brigade, @whogaveyoupermission, @whatevertheweather, @yellobb-old, @yeonjunenby

[knickynoo]

hi, i love your posts a lot and hope you're doing well!

you may have covered it before, but do you have any headcanons about the early years of doc and marty's friendship? i always find myself wondering how they went from a awkward employer and employee relationship, to the close bond we see them share in the films. i would love to know your thoughts!

Hello! Thank you; I hope you're also doing well :)

This kind of connects to an ask I had gotten a while ago about how long I thought it took Marty to fully trust Doc. My answer was: immediately, lol.

Basically, I don't think there was much (if any!) of an awkward period between them. In my head, it essentially went like this:

Doc *upon finding 14-year-old Marty had broken into his garage*: "Um. Hello, there. My name is Doctor Emmett Brown."

Marty: "Hey, I'm Marty."

Doc and Marty: *exchanging friendship bracelets*

I mean, in the comic book depiction of their initial meeting, Marty doesn't even care about discussing the pay Doc offers him. He says, "I'll be happy just to be the guy who knows Doctor Emmett L. Brown!" And. And! Doc's journals in the DeLorean Time Machine manual contain an entry written the day he meets Marty, where he writes, "I have a good feeling about the lad, and feel confident I can trust him." They are literally only hours post-meeting, and Doc has already put his full trust into this kid who snuck in through his window earlier that afternoon. Love it. Now for headcanons.

Obviously, Marty likes Doc from the get-go simply because he thinks he's really interesting and cool and smart, but I think--for Twin Pines Marty, at least--a lot of that initial connection comes from him being sort of starved for attention from a caring, adult figure. Every grown-up around Marty is dysfunctional. His father is oblivious and discouraging, his mother is a sad alcoholic, Biff is an abusive bully, and Strickland thinks Marty is a punk kid destined for a life of failure.

^^ I feel like this meme is fitting

Anyway, Marty then suddenly has this adult in his life who...likes him? Thinks he's smart and has potential? Doesn't talk to him like he's an idiot? I absolutely think that Marty was instantly like, "I am going to spend every possible waking moment here." Doc goes ahead and slaps the Flex Tape right over Marty's damaged self-esteem.

Those early first few months are filled with Doc slipping mini science lessons into all the time they spend together. Marty goes into the whole assistant gig with very limited knowledge, but he's eager to learn. Doc quickly figures out the best way Marty learns and absorbs information, and he gives him a lot of the basic facts and skills that he needs to be able to help around the lab.

I think it actually takes a while for Marty to open up about his family life. Doc has an inkling that home isn't such a great place, but he has no clue how to approach the subject and wonders if it's even appropriate to do so. They both dance around the topic for a long while until it all comes tumbling out of Marty one evening. Doc, having had his own unhappy relationship with his father, empathizes with his new friend, though I don't see Doc as being quick to share any stories of his own. He mostly avoids the subject when Marty tries to ask about his childhood (maybe just sharing stories of his mother). He does eventually talk about his father, but it's a tough thing to do.

Related to the above, I think Marty's little cot was an addition to the lab in those early few months of friendship. There were nights they were either working late, or Marty just didn't seem to want to go home, and Doc didn't want him having to sleep slouched in a chair or on top of a table. Marty walked into the garage one day, and there was suddenly a bed for him.

Contrary to the comics, I DO NOT headcanon that Doc gave that nickname to himself. Marty did, and it probably happened on day one or two of them knowing each other. He just went, "Yo, Doc," and Doc momentarily paused in brief confusion before going, "Huh, guess that's my name now." But Doc loves it because it's the first kind nickname he's ever been given.

From the moment Doc finds out Marty's a musician, he tells Marty he'd like to hear him play. Marty wants to be able to share his music with his new friend, but he's also really nervous. What if Doc thinks he stinks? Eventually, he builds up the courage and brings his guitar to the garage one night. He has Doc (and Einie's) full attention, and they both love his music. Doc is quite impressed with Marty's talent and encourages him to continue to build those skills and share his songs. Sometimes, Doc requests a certain song, and Marty does his best to learn to play it.

That's all I can think of at the moment! Thanks for the ask!

[annoyedbyfoolishness]

Maybe It's Nothing....

I have noticed this indescribable feeling of sadness and loneliness here lately. Understandably so, it has been over a year since I have slept with anyone. I call it "being in a funk". In my defense, I have been able to shake it off, but here I am posting about it. I find this method to be very therapeutic though... By writing about my problems, it provides as an outlet to shout; Tears for Fears, "Shout. Shout. Let it all out... These are the things I can do without. Come on! I'm talking to you. Come on." I joined a singles group on Facebook and have discovered that it may not be the right fit for me. I practically got attacked by some random females shooting down my standard of female that I was looking for. I shut that noise down real quick. I have continued posting there and haven't had any problems since. I have only see two ethnic females (black or afro-latino) and rest all white. That's no problem for me as 80% of my relationships have been outside of my race. I have seen other black men post there too, and with little to any comments on their posts. The sad part is that when those "white" women post, you'd think that it applies to "you", but it doesn't. They are speaking to the white men without saying "white men only"... My ex's birthday was yesterday but I didn't wish her any well-wishes. One of my past lovers accepted a friend request from me on Facebook. We chatted today, but she pretty much told me in a nice way to get lost, lol... When a chick leaves you on "read" and doesn't respond to your comment, she ain't trying to mess around with you. On another note, my best friend and I are still tight, but he got a new job and our work schedules clash now. In all honesty, he is actually transitioning on to my level now: working nights, gaining weight, and cherishes his time off to get some much needed rest & relaxation. Like I said, I know how that feels, so I don't much bother him. I empathize with him and put myself in his shoes; I wouldn't want anyone interrupting my sleep or rest on my day off; I really wouldn't want anyone knocking on my door on my day off for that matter. I want new friends! I want a new girlfriend! I just have to be careful for what I wish for because these "new friends" could end up being narcissi tic assholes for all I know. I actually kind of need some people like that in my life that seem to care about but they must be balanced and not one-sided. Another thing that is bothering me is that I have become so lonely that when I see women, it upsets me that I can't have them. I love women! I love they way they are shaped. I love the way they talk, walk, and even the way they pick stuff up off the the floor with that squat method or bending over with their asses always facing me. It hurts... It hurts really bad... I have to get over this though and accept things for the way that they are because this is fact and not fiction. This real life and not an episode in a movie that has a happy ending. I know things will change for the better though because God and my ancestors are bearing witness to this post as well and want to see my happy. They don't want to see my unhappy... I feel a change coming, but I just have to be patient!

[sunshine-and-city-lights]

Be courageous and take the risk.

I really don't know what got into me these past few weeks, but I just knew that my family and I deserve better and that if others could do it, I can, too. And so I set my mind on leaving my job even though I have not really found or even landed another job yet. I know it's bold of me to do so, but I just knew I can do this. It's not a decision that was done hastily, though. It's a calculated risk, and not just any risk I'm willing to take just because I know I can. It took a year of staying in my previous job, making the most of my salary to pay for the insurances I bought, save up, provide for my daughter and my parents, start a small but growing business with my partner (which was also a big risk we took prior to this) and buy our basic needs and even wants. That may sound a lot of responsibilities and expenses, but I wasn't alone in this. My partner has been a good provider and listener ever since we both started working. I'm not a huge spender even though I or we have the means. I have always disciplined myself to prioritize our needs first before the wants. It might sound simple, but it gives me happiness. I don't have to borrow money from others just to afford the lifestyle I am leading. I just wanted a slow and simple life, and I am already living it. It 's true when they say it's the little things that matter the most. I think I've already written this statement in my previous entries here, but it doesn't matter. To me that would always remain true.

What made me stay grounded for a year was the gratefulness I felt for having this job and being able to afford the things my own little family and I needed the most. For others who have a job like me, they would consider my pay too low. Sometimes I do, too. Oftentimes, I don't. I've found it does not do me any good to dwell on thinking about having more because I know that would be the source of insecurity and unhappiness. My job was literally carefree and easy, for that alone I was already grateful. I don't have to stay up late all the time or hurt my back trying to finish the tasks I was given. I got lucky and was given a daytime shift. Not early, and not late. It allowed me to be a hands-on mom while being a working one. I refused to look at all the downsides and just think about all the good things my job has done for me and my family, and how the pay was even better than what most government positions offer for a start. I already knew a year would be enough. Staying beyond that would also be unfair to myself and my capabilities. I wasn't afraid to fly because I know I can, I just had to be thankful with what I had at the time. It was more than enough.

Now that a year had gone by, I took the courage and just told my supervisor I'll only be working with them until the end of July. I was afraid, but I still did it. I didn't expect it would be rewarding in the end. Oh, the feeling of freedom felt so good. They just let me decide when my last day would be. Didn't even require me to hand out a resignation letter. For the record, this was the first time that I resigned from a job and it wasn't ugly at all. During my last day, I also didn't expect my supervisor to make an appreciation post for me for all my co-workers and manager to see. It was heart-warming, to think that out of all the employees who left the company since I worked there, I was the only one who got a message of thanks and well-wishes like that. I felt special. I guess it really pays to be humble and kind.

I still don't have a job as of the moment. Just a full-time mom, spending time with my daughter, enjoying what's left of her summer vacation before school starts again two weeks from now. It hasn't been a week yet of having no job, but I also need all the time to relax and prepare before getting another one. I know I can do it. A few weeks from now or earlier, I'll get that job. I'll be paid twice as much. I didn't go through all this reflection and decision-making just to settle for less than I deserve.

Lord, I know you know what's in my heart. I pray for more blessings and lessons for the second half of the year not just for me, but my family who I'm doing this for.

[plegdoctor]

💖🖊️🧠💭 -sunny (/emmy)

💖What do you like most about your own writing?

I really love the way I can genre hop. I have a lot of different interests so it's really important to me to be able to express all of them in my writing, for example doing history aus and hunger games au and silly things like my bagpuss fics. Although in class this affects me a little as I'm told to pin down a genre, and I know my future career will hinge on how consistent I can be, I love my versatility and I don't ever really want to put myself in a box.

🖊️Post a snippet from a current WIP

The woman shakes her head. “No. You seem unhappy enough without me ruining your day.”

“It’s a bit late for that.” Tia gestures towards the dead driver and the distressed horses. The woman winces.

“Sorry about that. Comes with the job. May I?”

Tia can only nod as the highwaywoman swings herself into Tia’s carriage, sitting opposite her. “Could you put your gun away? Its making me quite nervous.”

“Oh, right! Sorry.” The offending weapon is shoved into her boot. “I’m Veronica.”

“Tia.”

“Tia.” Her name sounds beautiful in Veronica’s voice, given a sacred reverence, said like a prayer. “What are you doing travelling all alone? There’s danger on these roads, you know.”

🧠What's an idea you have that you can't quite call a WIP yet?

Mmmm I guess 'our coming of age (has come and gone)' even though you literally mapped out a plot for me, because I have not started writing it yet and probably won't get started until all of my assignments are in

💭What is a headcanon you have about your own work?

Veronica's little sister is reaped for the hunger games and the first person she kills is the girl from 7 xx

[ohleander]

1.23.23

Feeling the dire need to be brutally honest with myself and admit just how bad things are inside my brain and that I could really use some help. My biggest problem is that I don't know how to ask for it or how to even let someone know I'm feeling this way without feeling like a burden. The people around me don't deserve a sad-sack all the time, especially not my dad. I'm supposed to be a good and fun companion.. I really want things to be good for him but I feel like he's sad and let down whenever I'm going through a depressive episode. The depressive episodes have been so frequent lately. More than anything I want him to know that its not him. Its my brain.. my brain feels so bruised inside my skull today. It pangs with the same tenderness as a skinned knee, except all over on the inside. Nobody follows this blog and it makes me feel a lot better.. I'm always afraid to post something to cause concern.. I don't want attention from others, generally, but I feel like my eyes are constantly bleeding and people are just pretending its ok... seeing it and not doing anything because they don't wanna be inconvenienced. It feels that way at least. I guess I'm lucky in the fact that my people pleasing and fear of disappointing others is kinda keeping me on this earth. I still need everything to just stop and pause for 2 seconds. I haven't been able to process all the things lately.. I'm swallowing too much, is how it feels. And I want to be straight up honest here and admit that for the past 4 months or so I've felt more suicidal than I ever have in my life. The feeling of wanting to not be here is so overwhelming and also involuntary at times. Along the vein of a toddler needing a nap? But to the worst extreme. Too much self awareness is my friggin curse and I'm happy to be self aware but there's a point where its too much and I cannot get things to turn off. I'm constantly hearing words inside my head, whether its repeated lyrics or repeated sentences from the day.. all over top of my subconscious thoughts and all that on top of my active thoughts. Its hard to describe that its a lot. I handle everything well on the outside, and I definitely do a good job overall with all that's on my plate but its wearing me down to nothing. I've had more days where I want to quit my job more than anything. Its a terrible environment if you are anyone with responsibility. Its a tough pace to keep and everyone can get nasty for no reason. I cant take it for too much longer, I cannot be so dramatically unhappy and its the only thing I can change quickly. I am just so overwhelmed. Its hard for me to trust too.. dad doesn't have any connections outside of the family.. i think he'd prefer to be completely alone, but he does like having me around. I feel like I have the opportunity to do things right and well while he's still here and yet that task feels so daunting. Its so hard to live and function in this country, even amidst all the opportunities. I'm so angry that I make $20 an hour and that's STILL not enough to live comfortably. My savings is dwindling and its scary. I have an elderly father to support and yet we are 1 emergency away from not having enough money to function. It really scares me. I always feel as if I can do better but I cannot force myself to get it together. I think the hardest thing to swallow is that I feel like I have this perfectly fine vessel of a body with no illnesses other than whats in the mind and I cannot manage to get myself to cooperate. I had all day today and yet my anxiety and depression had me at the throat all day to where I barely did anything. I'm to the point where if I don't find a better way to "choose myself" I might freakin lose myself.

and on that thought, I cannot help but feel like my whole personality has become void. All I feel like I do is work and come home and rest. I've got a list of hobbies but cant consistently keep up with them unless there's the pressure of a deadline, like someone's birthday or a holiday.

I do think the hardest thing I've had to admit to myself today is that my suicidal thoughts are very real and that I've had them for a while. I can sit with that thought without being afraid. Its tough to admit because of my pride, perhaps? I don't want to cause any stirring.. I don't want to be the reason something isn't ok. I don't want everyone to fuss over it if I tell them because I don't trust the kind of responses I'll get. It'll be harder to deal with the backpedaling than anything else. And yet my feelings are so loud and real and I don't want them to be. Its the only solution my brain can come up with though all the pain that its been in.

A tree just fell in the woods and made a suspicious crash.. I'm always relieved when they dont fall on the house.

This is a long one but I want to keep going. This has really been a tough month since the last one. I thought I'd get a break at the holidays but the 1 week off was not enough to fix my problems, nor was my first day back at the day job an easy one.. I cant keep teetering between feeling fine and feeling SO extremely not fine.. the fluctuation is exhausting.

Another thing I'm aware of is how my childhood is affecting me now. Some things make a lot of sense and other things are shocking to me when I realize it. I was always the emotional comfort in the family. I was allowed space to be a child but only by myself. I can remember a handful of times my dad joined in on tea parties though because I asked. One tough thing Ive been working through lately has been the fact that I was always sent to be alone to deal with my emotions when I "behaved badly" It was either time out or my room. If I ever got upset, I would be told to stop crying and get over it. But I really am an emotional crybaby of a human and that's fine with me. I will cry so much instead of shoving it down from here on!

Writing has definitely been helpful but I realize its not a fix-all for this depression. I need to take responsibility somehow. I need to find balance between my responsibility and my boundaries. I cannot always be an open yes-man. Maybe the part-timers have it right when they say "I can ONLY work these days and that's it"

How can I become a better people person without being a people pleaser? That comment hurt me real deep last week. It made me well up with anger because I'm literally so nice, why is that a bad thing. Another thought I've had recently has been the fact that I've been allowing my anger to come out a little more.. I feel as though I have so much anger blocking up inside of me... letting it out bit by bit has highlighted the depression maybe.. I'm at least allowing myself to feel things which is something I never used to do in a good way before. ...or did I? Its very confusing.. I think that's why professional help would be good.

LA

[wiria-lae]

A bit of a rant post. I'll try to make custom 年賀状 for TWST characters later in the month, and it will absolutely be late, but at least they'll be out, I hope! I forgot to start on that last week, whoops. Moving on.

The thing about writing Mulan-inspired Twisted Wonderland characters is that, at least for me, there is a very strong urge to play into Chinese mythology and end up with what is essentially this weird mix of xianxia (think Chinese fantasy) in a very European setting. The whole "long hair, deeply reverent" type of character appeal to me, but that level of respect doesn't mesh well in a starkly different cultural context... like, nobody respects Crowley, for good reason. Sigh. I'll figure something out.

Mythology in general is cool. When I start on Ignihyde OCs, I'm going to have to limit myself on which myths I want to explore.

Right now, I only have Helena roughly fleshed out so far. She's distantly related to the Shrouds - originally meant to parallel Helen of Troy. I'm not sure if I want to go that route though, when considering that Helen, as the "personification of ideal human beauty" (thanks for the quote, Wikipedia), was a victim of Greek tragedy. I'll sleep on it for a bit longer, but it's more interesting to subvert the stories we typically are told with alternative interpretations anyways, so I think I'm going to aim for something along those lines.

For other OCs, maybe take references from some of Heracules' trials, or the Greek gods. I'm thinking of one based on Prometheus, since it only recently occurred to me that there's some weird contradiction going on in his myths as I'm familiar with them. He gives fire to the humans, then gets punished for what is may have very well been all of eternity, and then when the gods decide they like humans enough to keep them around and watch them develop, they just... leave Prometheus chained up? If I remember correctly, he gets freed by Hercules as one of the trials, but still. There's something else in the story I'm missing, and don't know yet; I'll have to look into Prometheus' story more about that.

Ignihyde OCs are more likely than not to be characters who I've deemed as the "losers" in Greek tragedy, with the RSA equivalents to be the "winners". Might also be able to spin this so that the RSA OCs are based on figures who became gods, were gods, or were always considered respectable figures. Ignihyde OCs then take the short end of the stick as inspired by tragedy and unhappy endings.

Likely no Hecate OC, but it feels like a given to acknowledge her somehow what with her being a goddess of magic. I don't know. Future me can figure it out.

Edit: Corrected from お年玉 (new year's money for kids) to 年賀状 (new year's cards), whoops.

[natsunoomoi]

Learned Something New About Trauma

Those who have read my blog before about posts I made that talk about Mukuro and her relationship with Hiei know that I haven't really liked her for the sole reason of the chapter with her birthday because Hiei says something insensitive she punches him in the stomach and sends him flying. It's something I thought was abuse and something that I didn't understand until this past weekend.

There are a lot of things about Mukuro that I find similar to myself somehow, which seems really ironic because a lot of the things that happened to me in my life that ended up shaping my personality to be more like hers didn't happen to me until after I was 10 years old and already liked Hiei. I wasn't abused by my father like she was exactly, but it can be argued I did experience some amount of sexual trauma because my Dad used to watch inappropriate media in front of me when I was young. When I was small I was curious, but as I got older it started to take a toll on me mentally about what it meant for my self-worth and my own sexuality. I did feel like my Dad regretted it and as I got older he started hiding that stuff from me more, but kind of just too late. In every other way, he was a completely supportive and loving father and a much better safe space than my Mom who was physically and emotionally abusive and exceedingly negative about everything and almost ranting and raving about how she wishes she had a better life or didn't marry my Dad or that I had a different father. I really resented it because I felt like my Mom lived with her head in the clouds in dreams that will never happen and didn't do right by me in reality. And even into today, sometimes still doesn't when she gets crazy ideas and starts messaging me in the middle of the night.

But even so, I grew slowly to like different aspects of Mukuro because of all that and because of experiencing other kinds of stalking and trauma by people around me and up until a huge sexual harassment issue 8 years ago. I moved away and moved to Japan since then and I thought I was okay and moved on until I learned that PTSD leaves you "gifts" in the future well past when the trauma happened. Those are "triggers". And like having experienced and been through one, I am absolutely horrified now that the word "trigger" is used SO CASUALLY by people online. YOU. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. YOU'RE. TALKING. ABOUT. You are mildly uncomfortable and unhappy with something. You are not having a traumatic flashback or episode and actually losing your mind and reliving your trauma and what you've always wanted to do to your aggressor because some celebrity made a statement you disagree with. Some people have really mundane things as their triggers and that doesn't make their trauma less valid. That's totally a thing cuz sometimes it's like medical trauma or something. I'm not judging that, but other people really are only using the word to mean that they are angry and disagree. That is so damn dangerous as it doesn't help people with mental illnesses to understand what they're going through when a real trigger happens to them. I know that now and I have never used the word that way because it just seemed weird to use so casually, but also other people's casual use of it made me completely unprepared for when I actually got triggered from my own trauma.

I've been somewhat uncomfortable by a coworker for the last few months because when we talk he's been touching me on the shoulder and back. He claims he only tapped me and it's a normal thing in his culture, but like at least once he pet my shoulder to middle of my bicep, and a few times he's grabbed the handle on my backpack. Last time we were on the same train together he rested his hand as we waited for the door to open at Takamatsu station on the Marine Liner. So yeah, awkward and uncomfortable, and I was basically in shock and every time was not able to open my mouth to ask him to stop. My mind would say, "I should tell him to stop," and then I just keep watching myself not do that.

I have a somewhat more senior position in that I've been at the company longer and my boss is training me for more responsibilities, but also I felt a lot of stress and pressure to try to help him too because he's new. Maybe it's a misunderstanding, but that on top of feeling physically uncomfortable and not being able to rectify the situation myself is more than a little straining. Last weekend we were talking and he somehow made me really upset over something really mundane and before I knew it I was talking to him like I was talking to my aggressor when I was trying to get justice for myself and get him to leave me alone. It's really bizarre because it was a huge overreaction disproportionate to what was happening, but I couldn't stop myself and my normal sense of what I should and shouldn't do completely went out the window even though I was also aware of who I was talking to and remembering things specifically about him. I've heard something like this is an emotional flashback where it's not that you literally remember a memory and relive it, it's that suddenly feelings from when you were harassed come up and you feel that way about whoever you're talking to for no reason. My boss was the one to finally calm me down and start pointing out the logic fallacies and break me out of it. She also was kind enough to smooth things over and like not make a big deal about it because she knows it's not me, but I have to make moves to change. I contacted a therapist immediately and started getting treatment for it, but the entire sensation was really bizarre. I felt so justified and like it was right up until just after I spoke with my boss and she helped me to stop unraveling it. She also said a few things that a therapist probably wouldn't recommend saying to someone with PTSD, but she also admitted that she's not a medical expert on that and doesn't actually know how to help me with that. Over the course of the next day the other me started fading away toward the bottom left of my body, but it like felt like an actual miasma cloud of bitterness and hatred. It was so weird. And slowly my normal voice and self I could feel to the upper right above my head, and there were times where it did feel like I had two voices talking to me. One was happy with schadenfreude and one who genuinely felt bad and cared.

But still, the point with this post is after I experienced that and what a trigger feels like and that full loss of control because you are now back in the traumatic moment and not in the present, I didn't understand how Mukuro could hit Hiei. On the other side of it, I can see it now. She was in a bad mood already and kind of already exhausted her resources of being able to have good humor about herself, what happened to her, or just things in general and Hiei said something that happened to hit just the right spot and trauma trigger ho. All cool or sense of what even she's doing and to whom is gone and Hiei goes flying. That said, I also realize now how exactly wonderful Hiei is because even though that happened to him he stuck by her and forgave her and was supportive of her overcoming and facing her past so she could move on. He understood and accepted her trauma and still cared because even though what she did was wrong and she has to take responsibility for her actions, it's also not entirely her fault. It's just trauma.

Oh, but also, there were a lot of people defending it as, "They're youkai. That's how they communicate." No, the hell it is not. That is not what is going on, so I can definitively say that a lot of the YYH community also didn't understand this scene and even the animators because they turned their confrontation into an actual full-on fight in the anime that included parts of this, but also not really. Togashi basically wrote a really beautiful story about Mukuro's birthday and what it's like to live with trauma years after the original event happened and still persevere, and despite the "presents" known as triggers rearing their ugly heads, a person can still find love and acceptance. It is not the end of their life and they are not broken or a lesser person or less deserving of trust and care and support because of what happened to them. We need more stories like this that talk about actual trauma and what it's like to live with it. We have so many stories that are about trauma happening and how a character overcomes it, but we don't have many like this that basically illustrates what a trigger is and how PTSD affects you the rest of your life and how that doesn't make you a bad person that doesn't deserve anything. I wish I was able to notice this earlier and know before. I wish I was able to understand this without needing to go through it myself, but since I did I'm oh so very happy that it exists because it gives me hope.

After a trigger, the person often feels really guilty for their actions because once they calm down and get back to normal safe mode again, the reality of what they did sets in and from that can come guilt, blame, self-hatred, and depression. Especially if the person they care about ditches them after they did that to them. But Hiei doesn't. He instead goes to Kurama and asks for some plants and even asks what kind of stuff women like. Then he takes a very special plant and hunts down her Dad and dresses for the occasion to present her Dad frozen by a plant on a pedestal for her birthday. He really truly accepts her and understands what she's going through and is willing to help her through it.

Now I don't expect my coworker to do something like Hiei, but his actions recently and that of my boss yesterday when we went out to a planned dinner and karaoke party that we scheduled two months before do kind of show me that I also have the same kind of acceptance as well.

But very essentially, Mukuro is the model of a person who is living her life post-trauma well and an example of just general hope. After the aforementioned guilt sets in sometimes people start to think about self-harm or suicide because of the realization that triggers are landmines lain secretly across the rest of their life and you have no idea where they are and if one small thing is going to make you be a complete asshole to someone you love. Very essentially, and importantly to me right now, Mukuro is acting as a role model for me as to how that isn't necessarily true and you can still live well and happily.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

op could it be that because you're so conflicted about your lesbianism, when you don't get your other social needs met, it feels like the easy-to-blame candidate for your problems? bc i mean realistically--and i mean this respectfully--your orientation is only likely to come up in your pursuit of romantic & sexual relationships (are you, love interest, into lesbians or aren't you?) and/or figuring out who your people are, but even then, that's just checking a box on the "are you cool with gay people or not?" box so you can know youre safe with them. it sounds to me like youre conflating two different stressful issues. also, are you actually making progress with your therapist/psychologist? have you considered doing DBT or CBT to manage your social anxieties? both are very "building skills" focused, whether it be coping skills or learning how to manage your relationships & start new ones. would highly recommend it. as a person who used to have near rapid c-ptsd, hella anxiety, depression, OCD, etc., learning how-tos essentially on how to do people things was a HUGE relief for my brain, helped me feel more normal and adequately assess what was going on in the social realm and then correct behavior or assess more accurately dynamics. i am also another lesbian, if that helps you contextualize what i'm saying.

(Sorry in advance of these weren’t all your asks - they just sounded like they were from the same question to me)

Thank you for taking the time to reach out and write this out for me. Your concern is really appreciated and you have a wonderfully kind heart 💕 I’ll try to answer each of these in parts. But I have to apologise in advance because while you bring up some wonderful points and ask a lot of good questions I’m worried I won’t be able to answer them properly- so I’m really sorry.

1) I think I conflate the two because in my personal experience they go hand in hand. Be it people I’ve tried to date, the lgbt community as a whole, or just friends (straight or lgbt) I’ve run into problems with my sexuality. It probably has made me paranoid and I’m definitely trying to work on it. But in all types of relationships in my life I have met a lot of hostility towards my sexuality. Or if not hostility then just loneliness or lack of people in that role.

2) I don’t know if I’m making progress. I would like to think I am but I guess this blog within itself is reason enough to point that maybe I haven’t. I think I have a lot of different things to unpack and while I’m trying the best that I can I’m probably not making as much progress as I should at this point. But I’ll try as hard as I can to communicate this with the mental health professionals in my life and hopefully we can work something out. ☺️🌻

3) I think you are very right! I’m very on edge and triggered and stressed lately so I’m sure that’s contributing to the whole spiral down. Thank you very much for the suggestion! Once I’m done answering things on here I’ll splash myself with some cold water. Hopefully that calms my brain down a bit

4) I feel like I don’t know what to say here other then agree ahaha. I have a horribly small window of tolerance. I’ve been trying to work on it for years with my psychologists but I don’t think it’s gotten much better. It’s like I’m waiting for proof that it’s okay to open up. I think in some areas I’ve improved (like with food) but sexuality is such a raw nerve for me a lot of the time that I don’t really know how to deal with that yet. But I really hope to get there one day :)

5) I feel like I genuinely can’t apologise enough to those of you who have been affected by my venting posts. It was wholeheartedly never my intention to trigger anyone or upset anyone or make anyone unhappy with their sexuality. I don’t have people I feel like I can talk to about this stuff irl - and even if I did I wouldn’t want to be dumping this on them all the time. But I can see it’s affecting a lot of people on here two. I would recommend for those who are hurt to unfollow me , or for me to just say it’s okay to unfollow me and walk away , it’s okay to prioritise yourself. But I need to take accountability for the pain I’ve caused too. I might just hop off tumblr for a couple of days so I’m not posting anything that’s upsetting anyone. I think it was ignorant of me to expect my TW to be enough and I should have been more aware of the larger number of people following me and not put those types of vents on their feed. So I am truly sorry for anyone I have upset and triggered. I promise to try better.

I would put my posts under the read more thing but I’m on my phone via the app when I use tumblr and I genuinely cannot figure out how to do it. I’ll look into it more though and try to work it out so I can make it a safer place for people.

Thank you again so so so much for taking the time to write this all out for me and give me your support and guidance. It really means an awful lot. I hope you have a really lovely day 💕💕💕🌻

[wtflife01]

I am speechless over Bella Hadid's latest interview with Vogue, it broke my heart. she's so strong. I really like her, and for years for her catwalk and her shootings, but I never really cared about her private life or her family, but I always wondered why she became a model, because as Gigi's sister, she would always be compared to her in a bad way, and it didn't fail, sadly. she's been through so much abuse and hate on social medias, and for no reason. this interview really saddened me. at the end of the day, she's just a human being who was thrown under the bus by her mother and her agency at such a young age. I still have no words for her mother, father and the surgeons who agreed to do a rhinoplasty on a lost and suffering fourteen-year-old girl, how can you, as an adult, even think that this will solve your child's problems? she's really courageous to speak about this. I remember her post from November, some people recognised themselves in what she said. it's great that nowadays some people can be listened to, she's far from being the only one in this situation, and I'm sure it will help others knowing they are not alone.

some extract from the article:

“I was the uglier sister. I was the brunette. I wasn’t as cool as Gigi, not as outgoing,” she recalls. “That’s really what people said about me. And unfortunately when you get told things so many times, you do just believe it. I always ask myself, how did a girl with incredible insecurities, anxiety, depression, body-image issues, eating issues, who hates to be touched, who has intense social anxiety—what was I doing getting into this business? But over the years I became a good actress. I put on a very smiley face, or a very strong face. I always felt like I had something to prove. People can say anything about how I look, about how I talk, about how I act. But in seven years I never missed a job, canceled a job, was late to a job. No one can ever say that I don’t work my ass off.”

"At 14, she got a job at SunLife, a juice shop in Point Dume, paying $7 an hour. “It’s not to say that I didn’t have a very privileged upbringing,” she explains. “But my parents are immigrants who came here and worked for everything they had. I always knew the value of a dollar.” 

"[About her mom's TV show] Bella says that she never watched the show: “My sister and I would hide upstairs every time they were filming.”

"The next time I see Bella, it’s early January in Los Angeles, and she is in bright spirits. She celebrated a low-key New Year’s Eve at home with her boyfriend of nearly two years, Marc Kalman, a New York–based art director. Bella made them gyros, and they watched the ball drop on TV. She has worked hard to keep her relationship private. “I think that’s why things have been able to last,” she says, implicitly contrasting it with her highly public but doomed relationship with The Weeknd. “When you give other people room to have opinions on things that are so personal to you, it poisons it.”

"When Bella was 14, she had a nose job. It’s a decision she regrets. “I wish I had kept the nose of my ancestors,” she says. “I think I would have grown into it.”

"[...] I’ve had this impostor syndrome where people made me feel like I didn’t deserve any of this. People always have something to say, but what I have to say is, I’ve always been misunderstood in my industry and by the people around me"

"In January 2021, Bella had what she calls a burnout. Her mood changed. She wasn’t herself. “My immediate trauma response is people-pleasing,” she explains. “It literally makes me sick to my stomach if I leave somewhere and someone is unhappy with me, so I always go above and beyond, but the issue with that is that I get home and I don’t have enough for myself. I became manic. I bleached my hair. I looked like a troll doll. Then I dyed it—it looked like a sunrise. That should have been the first sign.” Under a great deal of professional pressure and after weeks of waking up in nearly suicidal despair, she spent two and a half weeks at a treatment program in Tennessee."

"Therapy, she says, is the biggest gift she has ever given herself. “For so long, I didn’t know what I was crying about. I always felt so lucky, and that would get me even more down on myself. There were people online saying, You live this amazing life. So then how can I complain? I always felt that I didn’t have the right to complain, which meant that I didn’t have the right to get help, which was my first problem.”

"For much of last year, Bella had been feeling better. And then, on the first morning of New York Fashion Week last September, she woke up and began to cry before her eyes even opened. She had already been working 15 days straight and, by her estimate, 350 days a year for the past seven years, and on that day she had eight fittings and three shows. For the first time in her career, she backed out of her commitments. And once again, people had things to say. Though she believes that she had no choice—that her ragged nervous system could not have survived another fashion cycle—she was tormented with guilt. She deleted her Instagram"

“When you are forced to be perfect every day, in every picture, you start to look at yourself and need to see perfection at all times, and it’s just not possible,” Bella says."

 “So now everything that I do in my personal life is literally to make sure that my mental state stays above water. Fashion can make you or break you. And if it makes you, you have to make a conscious effort every day for it not to break you. There’s always a bit of grief in love.”

I hope that she will heal and learn to listen to herself first, because heath is the most important thing.

The nose job at 14 is crazy, that’s so young to do things like that especially because her face was most likely to change with age, and the worst part is her parents allowing it and Yolanda probably even suggested it herself 😑

[tamsinbeybey-she-no-porcupine]

So tumblr user @theohmoment has made a post about Reincarnation!Havers and this popped into my head.

It's not fleshed out because it's 2 am now but yeah I liked the idea of a stranger coming to the house who has "knowledge" about former lifes but now can see ghosts.

Enjoy.

PS: I think remembering former incarnations would feel a lot vaguer and not like distinct strong feelings more like vague feelings of familiarity and deja vus but I don't remember mine so what do I know.

He looked different now. Shorter, sturdier. A different face gray eyes and red, curly hair. And a stubble.

Any yet there was something about him, maybe the way he smiled, that reminded him of the man he once knew.

"So you always had those memories?" Alison asked.

"I wouldn't call it memories per se you know, more like deja-vu's or certain feelings like looking at a house and thinking I lived here or looking at a stranger and feeling like you've known him already for years."

He kept starring at the Captain, who raised his eyebrows and gave him a week smile after Chris had nodded at him.

Chris looked around the kitchen once more.

"Or the feeling that a room you've never been into before used to look different a long time ago and being able to tell some differences. Or that a desk has a hidden compartment that you couldn't know about."

Alison nodded whilst the Captain couldn't take his eyes off of Chris, desperate to see a resemblance to the man he had loved.

"And was your accident in some way..." she started to ask but he interrupted her by shaking his head.

"The only thing that accident changed was that I can see you and your lot now" he said towards the Captain and then turned back to Alison "though the accident made me come here. I was looking for a haunted guest house in the country for a quiet little getaway to test my sanity and I found the article and then it snowballed."

"Must have been quite the shock. I mean to learn that Ghosts are real and that you lived here before. I mean the Ghost part alone was enough to make me question my sanity back then. But don't take this the wrong way but are you sure that you are... I mean were..."

"A Lieutenant who lived here in the 40s and had the hots for his Captain?" Christ asked and the Captain blushed.

"Yes, that" Alison nodded.

"I'm not sure to be honest. But when I saw the photo of them I just had this feeling of ...I mean you saw me, burst into tears like a baby. It was like a wave of regret, loss and being in love? They both felt so familiar that before you introduced me, I flattered myself with the idea that maybe I was a Captain before. Or maybe I was someone who had strong feelings for you both, but none of the others felt familiar."

"I'm certain only Havers knew about the compartment in my desk" the Captain said softly. He cleared his throat. "Alison would you mind if I talked to...Chris on my own for a bit?"

After Alison had given him an encouraging smile and left the kitchen, he turned his eyes back towards the man who might have been his Lieutenant Havers in a former life.

But before he could say anything Chris addressed what he believed to be the elephant in the room. "He...I loved you, too you know ...I think. It feels like you are someone I once loved deeply."

The Captain could feel a tear run down his cheek. He cleared his throat but felt himself unable to utter words.

"Are you happy? I mean despite being still here and dead. I don't know it makes me sad to think you could be unhappy."

The Captain thought about the last 70 years and all the changes that especially the last five of them had brought him.

He sighed.

"I am. Happy I mean. Happier than I ever was in life. Are you?"

"Me? Yes, yes very happy. I mean I'm still alive, I am apparently not mad and I can't wait to see my Zoe tomorrow and introduce her and the baby to Alison. She was worried about my behaviour lately."

The Captain nodded. He almost saw the difficulties of having a spouse who could see ghosts whilst the other couldn't on a daily basis and those were difficulties that arose despite Mike believing and fully supporting Alison and her ghost family.

"I'm sure she'll believe you. About us... us ghosts I mean."

Chris smiled.

"To be honest it wouldn't surprise me if it turns out that she already believes in ghosts in some way. She firmly believes in reincarnation. And all other sorts of stuff. I think she'll find the most exciting that there is a ghost from my past here, so to speak."

The Captain gave a weak smile.

"I am glad that you are happy."

Chris eyed him carefully before sighing deeply.

"I am sorry, mate. I really am. I realise how hard it must be that I...he moved on. That he's gone and became someone else. I mean maybe he is in here somewhere in some characteristics or I don't know. But I am not him anymore."

"No of course not, I realise that. It's just...the thought of you...him being here without remembering me...and learning that he ... loved me but once again he is gone. Lost to me...I... pardon me."

The Captain couldn't continue speaking. Tears were dripping down his face and he grasped his swagger stick firmly in his hands. The last man he had openly cried in front of had been a man who now sat here as a familiar stranger.

Chris visibly affected by the Captain's feelings wiped his own tears away.

"Tell you what mate. Once I'm old and wrinkly and dying surrounded by my family, I promise I will come back again. Maybe in this area or I will travel here from a foreign country and I will be kind and funny man and very, very into salt and pepper haired man and moustaches and uniforms and if you are still around and I should happen to die here...maybe you and I will get a happy ending together."

The Captain couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

"Or I move on and come back and I'll find you in your next life and we live."

Chris grinned.

"It's a deal then. In my next life or in my and your next life we'll work on getting our happy ending."

The Captain nodded.

"It's a deal."

[nothorses]

Uh I don't really know where else to go for this and I know you answer asks like this a lot and you be always got something good to say so maybe you can help me? I'm trying to sort through lots of feelings on my own since I can't get a gender therapist (my mother actually recommend medicalized conversion therapy instead when I tried to come out to her so, so much for her loving her kids no matter what, right? I hope she comes around but I'm not in a position to apply force to our relationship right now)

And although I'm not like 100% male and I'm more close to enby (but with he/him pronouns) it's still an odd concept to know that people will view me one way based on exactly how I present and I'm not allowed to talk about it without it being "whining" or nonsense complaining... Because if I'm a man, or closely enough one to be precieved as one, then what right do I have to complain? I'm sure you've seen the type of conversations

I can do a lot of things now that I can't do if I'm precieved as male? Like for example women can go to the park and eat lunch and nobody bats an eye but if I a guy does it it's weird because there's kids around, ya know? It's this weird double edge sword that if I decide to go on T I'm both gaining and losing privilege and people won't take that into consideration, because people are still hung up on viewing oppression like Pokemon stats

Also I don't necessarily hate men or think men are evil or anything, but I know other people do that and other people are scared of men- and like I get it if I see some weird dude loitering around I'm locking the car too, but I don't want to be the reason a woman has to cross the street? Or the reason someone has to worry about going home late?

And don't get me wrong, I know I'm a good person, but I know as well other people don't know that... I know what checking over your shoulder on a walk is like, and I don't want to have to be the reason someone does that?

So it leaves me feeling like not only is there so much to learn, but also people are just going to hate me for who I am going to become if I go through medical transition? Like I get it, not everyone is going to like me, but I don't want people to be afraid of me?

But also if I do go on T I have absolutely 0 basis for what I might look like or how it will change me and that's a scary aspect as well, because I can think of a lot of guys I'd be happy to look like or whatever but I can think of a lot more I would be unhappy to look like and you can't pick and choose genetic reactions.. And I know the idea is all about becoming more "you" rather than the perfect version of yourself you wish you could be, but it's still the point... Is it better to live with the familiar hurt of this body and my dislikes? Or should I try essentially a new one and run the risk of hating it more in some ways?

There's like 2 central ideas here, and the one idea has a lot of little ideas coming off of it, but I know at least the first issue I presented you'll understand... The second one is a little more up in the air since appearance is such a personal thing, but I think it's not an unheard of concept... So hopefully all of that makes sense and maybe you've got some decent advice or can just help me make a little more sense to myself?

Oh boy, you’re so valid. A lot of this is very familiar, and I know you’re not alone in it at all.

I’m gonna try to organize some points here, cause I think you brought up a lot of things.

“I don’t know if I want to be perceived as a man, cause enby”

You’re right that folks are likely going to see you as a man after a certain point. It’s hard to find a middle ground where you ping as neither to the average cis person, and it’s hard to control that enough for it to be consistent.

My advice, honestly, is to make choices more based on your comfort than the highly subjective and ever-shifting concept of “passing”. I know it sucks to be perceived as something you aren’t, but your wants are probably the best starting point in the decision-making process.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to do the things I can do now if I’m perceived as a man”

This is true of transitioning in general, tbh! You will also likely be able to do things you couldn’t do before; I know folks have talked about feeling safer walking around at night, and being listened to more often by other men, once they begin to pass as men.

I also struggle with this, as a future teacher; the treatment of men in childcare is very, very different, and very stigmatized compared to female counterparts. But that, to me, is worth it. I’m willing to deal with the problems other people place on me, if it means I get to finally feel at home in my own body.

“I’m afraid of causing women distress by existing near them as a man”

Look, this is frankly just not your responsibility. Looking like a man is not an act of misogyny. Looking like a man does not make you “the reason” women do or feel anything. Those reactions are their own, and you are not responsible for mitigating them- particularly if that mitigation involves you, a trans person, forgoing transition for other people’s comfort.

You are responsible for trying to be a good person, making good decisions, and for not being misogynistic. Not the assumptions women make about you based on your appearance.

“I’m afraid I might not like how I look after I transition”

I know I agonized a lot over this, certain that I would ultimately dislike how I looked if it wasn’t up to a certain standard. I imagined my post-transition self as a stranger; someone I’d have to meet and grow to accept as myself. Even scarier was that I couldn’t opt out if I didn’t like the stranger- I’d be stuck with him forever after I made that one big decision.

But... it’s not really like that, in practice. I’m me, every single step of the way, and I have only ever felt more and more like myself as I go through this process. I feel like pre-transition me was the stranger, and the person I’m becoming now is more familiar to me than anyone I’ve ever been before.

I know that’s not an easy thing to understand or relate to from a pre-transition standpoint, but what I want you to understand is this: if you’re making this decision for the right reasons, you’re gonna be okay. If you’re pursuing your own happiness, comfort in your body, the person you want to be and the life you want to live, you’re gonna be okay.

And if you realize it was a mistake, at some point, you can undo that decision again. It’s fluid; you’re not gonna be trapped in one body forever. Transition is about agency. Trust yourself now to know what you want, and trust your future self to keep knowing what you want.

[seonghwa-is-babie]

Protective pup

Y/n And yunho haven't gotten the best response to coming out, getting a lot of hate from antis, unfortunately, y/n got a bit more than just online hate, all because he looked too scary and intimidating with his height and tattoos

Yunho x male reader

Warning: slight angst (cursing, bruises, crying)

Note: sorry if this made u cry ;-;, and that the ending's a bit awkward

Today was a wreck for y/n, ever since he and his boyfriend, Yunho came out as a couple, he's been getting a lot of hate from both fans and non-fans. y/n tried to stay strong in front of him, but in reality he didn't know how much hate he could handle anymore, since it was escalating to physical harassment

It wasn't uncommon for him to come home with bruises, but he did his best to hide them from yunho, he was already stressed with their comeback being right around the corner

Today was another one of those days where he got beat up for being in a relationship with their 'oppar'

🐶

Once he got home he expected to be welcomed by his boyfriend, Yunho, with open arms, but he wasn't home at the moment, so y/n decided to text him

________________________________________

you: baby why aren't you home? I thought you were done by now?

Yunho🐶❤️: They're making us practise a bit longer for our comeback

you: When are you coming home then? I miss you...

Yunho🐶❤️: We're almost done, don't worry :)

Yunho🐶❤️: love you😘😘❤️

_______________________________________

Deciding he had enough time left to hopefully cover up the wounds, he went to the bathroom to get some bandages for the cuts, and foundations for the bruises

🐶

After bandaging up his arms and putting on a decent amount of makeup to cover up the bruises

He turned off his phone, hoping to not see anymore notifications from comments under anything he posts "maybe he is better off without me, or he can find someone else who's so much better than me, who isn't hated" as he started to think, he couldn't help but cry from it, falling asleep after the crying had tired him out.

At practice🐶

"alright from the top guys, five six seven eight" they went over their choreography once again "yunho your footing's wrong, you're supposed to go like this" the instructor demonstrated "sorry sir, I won't do it again" they repeated it, only for him to do another part wrong, repeating this problem until the members decided to address it

"yunho, you've been a bit out of rhythm since our break, is everything okay?" seonghwa asked concerned "I don't know hyung, maybe cause of..."

San looked at him confused "cause of what, Yunho?" he looked down "y/n sent a text asking why I wasn't at home and after I explained why, I don't know why, but his reply seemed so sad, he didn't even say I love you back, and I think I know why" the older didn't fully understand

"well, why do you think he's sad?" yunho looked down "I think it might be because of the hate we've been getting for coming out, I've deleted all social media of off my phone, but I don't know if he did it as well."

"yunho, maybe you should go home to check on him" Hongjoong said, concerned for the yunho's boyfriend, he knew him quite well and knew that despite his intimidating exterior, he was a gentle soul "but what about practice?"

wooyoung pushed him towards the door "that's not important right now, what is, is that you go home and check up on your boyfriend"

🐶

"I'm home" yunho said, expecting a hug and a kiss from his boyfriend, but all he saw was an empty living room, like he had feared "maybe he went to bed already? That's strange, normally he waits for me to get back" he went up the stairs to their shared bedroom, hoping to find the other there

To his surprise, he did, though he was already asleep, so he tried his best not to wake his lover up, sadly he did wake up because y/n was a pretty light sleeper

"Yunho?" he turned around to face his lover, he smiled "hey, I'm home, I missed you" he went closer to his lover, only then noticing the tear stains and the slightly red eyes "why did you cry? Did something happen?" he hoped to deer God that it wasn't the hate, but just a bad day at work

"i'm fine, don't worry about it" he tried grabbing yunho's arm to stop him from further inspecting his body, but that backfired as the sleeve came up and exposed the bandages, which yunho obviously saw

"oh my gosh! What did you do? Did someone hurt you?" tears started to slip from y/n's eyes and he turned over to his back "babe please, I'm worried about you" y/n turned back to yunho, the years exposing his makeup "hold on one minute, please"

He came back with a a few makeup wipes "may I?" y/n decided to no longer hide what people were doing to him and nodded. As yunho started gently wiping off the makeup, his face contorted into one of shock "how'd that happen, honey?"

"....Your fans, they've been harassing me on and off social media, on it, they always say I don't D-deserve you, that I-I'm a heartless ass hole who doesn't know how to properly care for you. But off...... Yunho.... I'm not sure if you know how much it hurts not only physically, but mentally as well. I've tried to stay strong, but I don't know how much longer I can take it"

at this point he was sobbing, something Yunho had never seen before. He sat next to his slightly taller boyfriend and rubbed the others back "I-I didn't know it go that bad..... I didn't think they would go that far. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you sooner" both began to cry in each others arms

🐶

"I promise you I will do something about this, I hate to see you go through so much pain" yunho said, sitting in y/n's lap "maybe we could do something together?" the younger nodded, before getting up from the older's lap and grabbing his phone, texting someone "who're you texting?" yunho made room for y/n to look over his shoulder

"just my manager to ask him if I can do a V-live to address what's going on" the older tensed up "are you sure that's a good idea?" the younger nodded "we don't have to if you don't feel comfortable with it" y/n thought about it

"I don't want you to do this alone, but I don't know if I can face the camera right now" Yunho tried to think of something they could do "how about...... You lay your head on my lap facing away from the camera, that way, you'll still be there with me, but don't have to see any negative comments" y/n nodded

🐶

Yunho got his phone positioned where they could see both him and y/n and waited until enough people joined in "hey guys.... This isn't going to be a happy vlive today, instead I want to address something that's been a problem lately" he could already see some hate comments on screen "ever since I came out with my boyfriend, we've been getting a lot of hate, me getting only a bit of what y/n has been going through, I normally trust you guys and love you all, but harassing y/n for being together with me is just wrong"

"but oppar he isn't right for uuuu"

"we love a protective bf, preach🏳️‍🌈"

"not our fault you're both filthy homosexuals😒"

"hope u guys still know there's fans out there who support you two, we love you💙💙💙"

"but he doesn't treat u right unlike I would"

"for the people who think y/n doesn't treat me right because of how he looks, he's the sweetest guy I could've asked for, he knows what I like and dislike, how to cheer me up. Why can't you guys see that, is all you guys see a tall scary man with tattoos, or the sweet, loving person laying beside me"

y/n started to cry again and buried his face into yunho's thighs, Yunho brought him up to comfort him, y/n still facing away from the camera "it's okay, it's gonna be fine, we're gonna sort this out alright?" the youngest went to wipe his tears, the older leaning into those touches from him

"guys, you should stop... Look how much we're hurting him and y/n"

"oppar he'll just use you"

"look at how much they care about each other, how could you hate them?🥺🥺🥺🥺"

"guys please, I can't stand seeing him this unhappy and sad, seeing him with so many bruises and cuts, and him not even being able to face the camera because of you guys. This has to stop, or we will have to take drastic measures in order to keep ourselves save" y/n looked at his boyfriend, a bit scared but also relieved that this might just be a solution to their problem

"yunho, are you sure this is what we should do?" he asked, still unsure of what to do "I know many fans probably won't like it, but this is what I have to do if I want to keep you and myself safe" he took in a deep breath before looking back towards his phone "we will be deleting our social media from our phones, and if we catch any of you harassing me or y/n, you will be blacklisted and will get a restraining order from us" he ended the live

🐶

"are you okay baby?" y/n asked yunho  "no, I just-" he began to cry "I just can't believe that they would do so many awful things just because we're together" the older pulled him closer "I guess that's the harsh reality of idol life, because of the way you're supposed to act towards fans, it gives them a false sense of hope. I wish things were different, but sadly we can't change it, not in one day that is. This stuff is going to take time for people to accept, but i'm sure that when some more time has passed, people will accept it, as there will be more like us in the future"

"how can you be so sure of it? Maybe people will start to resent it even more" he looked up at y/n "I don't know what the future holds, but I do know we can influence it, you're a role model for people, if they see from you that it's okay, I'm sure many people will follow"

they stayed in each other's arms, eventually falling asleep, but not before saying one last thing to each other "I love you yunho, with all my heart, and I hope our country will allow us to be together till the end" yunho snuggled closer to y/n "you mean like getting married and stuff? I'd love to get married to you, and I hope we can in the future too"

They shared a quick peck before cuddling up once more and going to sleep for the night

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi, it's the milky way again

it's been a while since i've dropped something in your mailbox

i've now finished the school year and the grades and reports are coming in tomorrow or the day after. i'm kinda scared of them because i know they dropped a lot since last year but i'm pretty sure i passed most if not all of my courses so i think it'll be fine.

i started working a summer job a week ago and i'll be working the next week too. it's mostly because i need the money so i can replace my broken phone but also because we had to do some kind of job/workplace experience thing because of our school (that was voluntary though because of covid). the job pays really well so i might also get a new binder with the money since the one i have now is falling apart. on the other hand, working 8 hours a day for five days straight has really taken all of my energy and i can't listen to music while working which makes it a lot harder. the last week i've mostly been coming home in the evening, maybe eating something and going straight to bed.

(also i got my period last thursday and i hate hate hate it so much it makes everything so much worse even without the dysphoria it's just so messy and annoying to deal with)

a week ago i finally jumped over my shadow and talked to my mom but it was a huge disappointment. i'm pretty sure i couldn't get my point across in a way she'd understand and she kinda just admitted not being able to help after saying a bunch of things that really hurt. i removed myself from the situation by "going to bed" aka going to my room, locking my door and crying myself to sleep. i was just really pissed off and talking to her was kinda my last resort for when i realized i couldn't help myself anymore.

anyway, the day after that was monday (when i started working) and me, running on barely any sleep because the night before was a disaster, had to somehow survive work and i'm pretty sure i ignored or snapped at a lot of people that day which i feel kinda bad for.

on wednesday after work i talked to my mom again because i was pissed off and couldn't let it sit. she said the same kind of bs she had used on sunday and we got nowhere, since then i've probably been a lot less friendly to her but i'm just not ready to give up so much energy for her.

her favorite arguments we're things like "but others have it a lot worse" (which is a mindset i've worked on getting away from for quite a while) (also my mom was referring only to my grades with this but little does she know that the only reason why my grades aren't dropping that badly is because no matter how bad i got mentally, i yeeted stuff like self-care before school because school had always been structured and mostly clear while life in general was just. not.)

other arguments she used were "just get off your phone and set a timer for 45 minutes and concentrate on what you wanna get done" and "just pull yourself together, it's not that hard" (those were about me saying that i struggle with starting tasks and getting shit done)

lastly she also said that my expectations are just way too high and that if i didn't expect only the best from myself (this was about grades too) i wouldn't get so disappointed if i didn't get that great grade i was hoping for. and like, she's not wrong but if you've only ever been good at one thing in your entire life and you were really good at it, then you'd just expect nothing but the best from yourself because you know reaching that isn't impossible.

and she ended it with "what do you expect me to do?" and "i can't help you" and i realized later that i just should've said that she should help me get someone that *can* help me, like a therapist or something.

anyway, i'm proud of myself for finding a summer job and finally talking to my mom and not so proud of my grades and the fact that i can't seem to get the point across to my mom

thank you for creating this safe space for people like us, i wish you a happier time than the one i'm having :')

milky way here :|

got the reports and grades and stuff yesterday and i'm just :| about it. like, yea i know i'm still somewhere at the top of the class and that i'm more than one and a half grades better than some others in my class but i'm still upset about my grade in maths for example but my parents laughed/chuckled at me when i was upset and that really hurt

and afterwards my mom said something along the lines of "yes you're allowed to be stressed but because of your good grades you don't have the right to complain about being stressed" which is absolute bs and i still don't understand how having good grades disqualifies one from complaining and i'm sure as hell not gonna ask her

i just wanna scream in her face but i'm pretty sure she'd slap me if i did that

i'm almost done with my summer job and since monday noon i had the chance to work in a different part of the factory which is a lot less uncomfy to be in because it has AC and since it's not in the lab itself, i don't have to wear a hair net, an overall, steel-toed boots and rubber gloves.

today i set myself a few goals for the summer break and for the next school year and i really hope i can get through with those because it'd make future-me extremely happy

have a great great time :D

and PS: since tumblr has been eating a lot of notifs lately i missed a lot of your posts and i tried filtering by the milky way anon tag but only one post showed up. i'm not sure what's up with that tho

Hi again! Don’t worry, I got you. Here’s a link to all the asks you’ve sent up to this point: first, second, third. All of them are tagged, but the tumblr search engine isn’t exactly known for its accuracy. I use the tumblr original post finder site for this stuff, but I just realised by looking for your asks that the site takes capital letters into account, so the ones that were tagged with a capital M in Milky weren’t showing. They all do show now that I changed the M to lowercase. So I’ll have to try to be more consistent with that from now on 😅

On to your asks. First off, congrats on finishing your course! And I really hope you can replace your phone and your binder :D sorry about getting your period, though, that really sucks :(

I think the conversation with your mom that Sunday is the one discussed on the third ask I linked. I'm really sorry the same thing happened on Wednesday. It's not your fault you can't get across to her—she's the one who should be open to helping you and offering possible (actual) solutions to the problems you're bringing up to her, and not you who should spell out every single thing she can do to help you. You're not being unclear to her—she's being obtuse and refusing to listen.

You're not meant to know how to just "pull yourself together", and you're absolutely right that your grades not dropping all the way doesn't mean you're not struggling, and you still deserve help so you don't have to jeopardise your mental health for your grades. And while she's right you don't deserve to be so hard on yourself or to expect perfection from yourself, that's also something that you deserve professional help with. Again, you're not meant to know how to just turn off those emotions and thought processes.

*hugs* sorry your math grade wasn't as high as you'd hoped. It's okay to be upset and disappointed by that, and I'm so sorry they laughed at you. You do have every right to express your emotions, and you're not being unfair to anyone else for being unhappy with your own grades. I often feel the same! I get really good grades (as I think I've already said), and I also often feel disappointed when a grade isn't as high as I'd hoped. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. I'm really glad you know what your mom says is bs, because it really is. It's no wonder you feel like screaming in her face—she sounds incredibly frustrating, exhausting and invalidating to deal with. You deserve so much better than this 😔

I'm so glad you're proud of yourself! I'm really proud of you too for everything you've accomplished despite her being so unhelpful and invalidating, and I really hope you're enjoying the rest of your summer holidays and you can reach your goals! And if the occasion arises and you do end up using the "you can help me find someone who can help me" line, I hope it goes better. But if not, again, please know this is an issue of her refusing to listen, and not of you being unclear about what you need.

Sending a huge virtual hug ❤️