#i'm working on answering the other asks don't worry my inbox is just a bit full

[awingedllama]

hi love :D i was wondering if you would be interested in making a murphy bed in your style please? ^-^ we are significantly lacking CC murphy beds - even recolors are so rare, i'm suprised! my current apartment in the game has one as the focus point in the living room and it makes me sad i don't have much choice with it. Have a lovely day <3

hi! i'm not quite sure what you mean in my style (you can send me a reference pic!), so i just converted the one from TS3 for some older-fashioned variety. added some random muted colors (feel free to recolor). and ofc it requires tiny living

and you're right - there are barely any cc murphy beds, weirdly enough. it's no harder to make than a door, so it's interesting no one has really made any. i did find quite a good recolor here though

[qqueenofhades]

Hey! I just found your blog and followed yesterday. Came for the fact that you're the only other person in this webbed site actually say out loud that they liked Biden, stayed for the hope and determination and perspective. Anyway just wanted to introduce myself and I hope you're coping well!

Hello and welcome to you and the other sudden flood of followers that I got after yesterday's event. I'm glad to have you and hope you are all in on the project of Kicking Fascism In The Shriveled Testicles 2024, American Edition. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

Biden was not my first choice (far from it) in the 2020 primary process, but when it became clear that he was going to win the nomination, I supported him early and often. Trust me, this was not a popular position, and it remains so, but so be it. By any reasonable metric, he is the most progressive president we have ever had, it is a crying shame that the media is so beholden to the Trump Teat of Drama that they gave him such a kid-gloved free pass and ratfucked Biden instead, and it makes me worry, a lot, for American democracy. I have always gotten a lot of "you support everything Biden has done so you're awful and going to hell!!!" messages, because this sure is a Webbed Site Where We Piss On the Poor, and like -- I don't. I had major disagreements with Biden, especially on foreign policy! But because I apparently did not performatively self-flagellate myself in every post about how awful he was but maybe I guess vote for him anyway, that got some people very mad! It's also true that there's literally nobody in the world anywhere, especially and including in Palestine, that would benefit from Trump becoming president again! Especially since Biden at the NATO summit recently and explicitly endorsed progress on the ceasefire framework he has been pushing for several months! So unfortunately, we live in a society where shitty choices are necessary, and that is part of being a grownup!

....anyway. Deep breaths. Rant for later. Glad you're here. I have been desperately trying to Not Politic for a bit, since doing so on social media in the year of our lord 2024 is a recipe for swift insanity, but the world keeps taking a large dump directly on those plans, and I guess someone's gotta do it. In more normal times (OH LORD WHEN), you can expect history (I am an academic by trade), random posts, various asks, and sometimes a great deal of fanfic for assorted blorbos, though the Horrors have done a number on that and I am also working on an original fantasy trilogy at the moment. (Still deciding whether I should bother trying to agent it or just publish it on Amazon/Lulu/etc.) I have turned off anon for the moment because otherwise my inbox would be a nightmare beyond comprehension, but I do generally enjoy talking about things and/or answering them as much as I can. I am old, queer, tired, fueled by coffee and spite, have been politically conscious since the first Bush Jr. term and have therefore seen all the Anti Voting nonsense before (quick thought: if it was going to deliver the perfect Leftist Messiah and/or stop a flawed candidate from becoming president, don't you think it would have done so by now?) So yes. Welcome again and I hope you will enjoy (if that is the right word for it) your stay.

[mxtantrights]

un-ordinary human

a/n: okay I mean it FINAL PART. now I did say I wanted to give you angst, so don't be surprised! that being said if you want a short blurb or bullet points about this story after this def come into my inbox and tell me!!! <33 hope you enjoy (and if you see mistakes, know that I am but a feeble human who wrote this all in one go because I had one (1) idea) thank you again for all the love!!!

part one | part two

The portal lay open in front of you. The swim would be short. You would have to hold you breath for at least ten seconds, which you could do. And then you would go through the portal and be back home.

They weren't sure how it worked. If the same amount of time would have passed there as it did here. If it had been years since you left, or maybe just weeks or hours.

You sigh.

"Leaving them without saying goodbye, little human?" Amren asks.

You turn around to face her. There she is leaning against a wide tree, her arms crossed over her chest. She was the one who knew you wanted to leave tonight. You hold told her as such and said goodbye to her.

But not so much the others. Not Azriel or Eris.

It's not that you wanted to hurt them. But you thought it best to leave without being so dramatic. And without having any more conversations about your love life, or lack thereof.

"I think it's better this way." you answer.

"Or you're just being a coward. And you don't want to get hurt again." Amren pipes in.

She walks over to you slowly. You watch as her arm detangle from themselves. And then she's taking your hands into hers.

"It's okay to want to protect yourself. Just don't lie about it, epically to me." Amren adds on.

You smile sadly, "I'll miss you so much."

"I know. But our friendship wasn't meant to happen. So even this little time we did have, I will cherish." she says.

You can't help the tear that slides down your cheek. Amren swipes it away and smiles with you. You sniffle as she grabs onto your shoulders and shakes you bit.

"I'm going home." you say quietly.

"You're going home." she agrees.

She lets go of you. You take a step back and compose yourself as best you can. You roll your shoulders back and you take a deep breath.

Then you do it. You walk into the lake, you walk and walk until the water reaches your waist. You look back at Amren who gives you a small wave. You wave back.

You hold your breath and dive underwater.

-

There's only one word you can use to describe your world now.

Madness.

Walking through the portal was the best decision at the time for you. You could finally go back home, be normal again. Not have to worry about someone picking you off like prey simply because you are human.

But you couldn't possible expect this.

While you only spent less than ten years with the fae, it's been more than fifty years back home. Meaning everything you ever had is gone, everything you've ever known is changed, and almost everyone you knew is fifty years older than you.

You realized very quickly that you couldn't stay in the place you called home. How could you? Walk around with the same face from fifty years ago? They would call you a witch, they would do awful and vile things to you.

So you made the lonesome trek across the canary isles to the other side. Where no one had heard of you, had ever seen you before. And just for added assurance you changed your name too.

The rumbling began a year after you came back.

You'd feel it pass during the day at work at the local inn, or at night while your were sleeping. And sure enough when you'd go outside the next day there was a new crack in the ground. Cracks spanning for miles. Some ran deep, some were just surface level.

But you knew, you knew what was happening.

How the Canary Isles were rocked by powerful tremors and then sunk. Reemerging as the court of nightmares. You' don't know what scares you most, knowing that the very ground beneath you feet will be submerged underwater at any given moment or that what comes after is fae, and other magical beings.

You wouldn't run. You wouldn't run no matter how much your mind screamed at you to go. And you had plenty of opportunity to. It's not like you would need to pack anything either. Your pay at the inn was enough to eat, bathe and house yourself.

But you couldn't find it in yourself to abandon your home land. Or the people. You couldn't convince all of them that something bad was going to happen without coming off as a with or heretic. So you stayed, you waited, and waited.

All that waiting you did just made you sad. Sad for what was to come, and sad that you didn't say goodbye to Azriel and Eris. You left without a word, without a thought for their pain. You only thought of yourself.

You've regretted it since coming back. But the portal only worked once for you, and closed immediately after.

You waited for five years after the rumbling began. Then it happened. The once large island splintered off into four, uneven pieces. You saw a lot of lives lost that day.

And with the help of those who survived you rebuilt. But in the back of your mind you knew it was for nothing because soon the isles would be gone.

It happens on a normal day. When you are off from work, picking up fresh vegetables for a few of your neighbors. You feel it starting. In your feet, the ground shakes. Then the fruits from the stand to your right start rolling off the display. Apples and pears rolling past you.

The ground cracked where you stood. You tried you best to run. And you did make it quite far. You made it all the way to what used to be the old village, but was now chunks of land in the sea. The land just cuts off with no warning.

And you had no choice. When the large crack made it's slithering voyage to you. There was no decision. There was no left or right step to take. Before you knew it, you were falling into the open ground, into the ice cold water.

-

Amren had this feeling in her gut today. She couldn't bother to eat fresh meat, she couldn't keep focused during training the Nesta, and she couldn't bother to really pay attention to Varian.

Something happened. She just didn't know what.

And she would have stayed this way if it weren't for the interruption almost four hours after she felt it but Eris. He winnowed into the kitchen, cheeks flush and eyes wide.

She was the only one there. The only one to witness him like this.

"I can't feel it. The bond. I can't feel it anymore." he got out.

Amren turned to him, "She went home years ago, wouldn't you have felt it then?"

"I'm unsure. But this, it feels cold. Like I'm tied to a piece of ice." Eris answers, his hand placed over his chest.

In a matter of seconds, Azriel comes bursting into the kitchen. He sees Eris, and his very distressed state, and then he takes in Amren. Amren who has a look of worry on her face.

"It's happened. The Isles, they sunk into the water." Azriel speaks.

Eris looks at him bewildered, "But that can't be. She just got there. Are you saying she went home only to die in five years?"

"Maybe the time was different there. We don't know." Amren offers.

"Nyx said that my hands felt cold. I didn't even notice until I asked Cassian to feel them." Azriel confesses.

"Wait, how could you feel something when you-" Amren cuts herself off.

She looks at Azriel then. His eyes down trodden, watery. It was one thing for him to lose someone he really cared for, but this was more emotion that that. This, this was the loss of a mate.

"Is this what it will feel like? Forever?" Eris asks, mainly to himself but still out loud.

He's seemingly too in shock to put together what Azriel just divulged.

Amren felt it then. The feeling she got that morning. It wasn't some enchantment or some new groundbreaking emotion. It was guilt Guilt that she had let you go to your death.

-

A few months later and Azriel isn't himself. He's tried his best but he cannot seem to function at the level he's used to. His hands remind him of you being gone.

He hadn't told anyone. Still hasn't, to this day. But he felt it. He felt it when you asked him why you were so important to them. He felt the bond snap.

And he hid it. He hid it with ease, with the same amount of effort Eris used to hide his bond with you.

Azriel is standing in Rhys' office, waiting for Eris to come in. Apparently he received a letter from Kalias about something important.

The ginger haired male steps into the room and takes Eris in. The dark circles under his eyes, his usual smirk gone. Azriel never thought he'd see the day.

Eris walks in without a word and passes the note to Azriel. He doesn't even look in his direction when he does it. Azriel reads the note out loud quickly.

Special request. In need of Fire abilities. And espionage skills. Urgent item in need of acquiring.

"I don't see why not." Rhys says.

"It's beneath me, is why." Eris scowls.

"The both of you could use this right now. You won't be back to your old selves but maybe it's what you need." Rhys tries again.

Azriel lets a moment pass.

"I'll go on your orders." he says to his friend.

Rhys chuckles, "I don't want you to go because of me. I want you to go because this is something new."

"Bring a flame-thrower. I'm going home." Eris barks.

Eris heads for the door but as soon as his hand lands on the knob, Rhys starts speaking again.

"Kalias called for the two of you. I wouldn't want to risk any court relations because you decided not to show up." Rhys replies.

Eris turns around, angry.

"Who cares about some lost artifact, which is probably all that it is." Eris argues.

"Kalias does. And if you want an alliance with this court, you'll join Azriel." Rhys speaks sternly.

Eris and Azriel pass a look to one another. They haven't been in the same room since that day they both felt her lack of presence.

"Fine."

"Whatever."

-

Kalias leads both Azriel and Eris down a tunnel of ice. One that was being carved open for years. Over a decade of fae had taken their picks and hatchet to this iceberg in hopes of finding something, anything that could clue them into the history of the court.

And for a while it was nothing. Just ice, the ver present chunk of frozen terrain, and then more ice.

Until a few months ago. When a fae swore he saw something larger than a piece of land. With no distinct shape. They took their time and picked and chipped at the ice until they could get close enough to the unidentified object.

But what they soon realized was their tools could very well disturb the state of the object. They could chip at the ice wrong and a piece could break off.

And that's why Kalias needed Eris. A male in the fiercest control of his fire powers that could melt the ice and procure the object. Once he had the object, depending on what it was, he needed to keep it safe. Who best but the spymaster himself?

Kalias stops once he reaches the spot. He points tot he blurted object in the ice.

"You'll need to be very careful. Too quick and you may very well melt or burn the object. But too slow and the very ice beneath us could give way." the high lord says.

"A death mission." Eris grumbles.

"We could winnow out of here before anything bad happens. But that would presumably leave this object lost to us forever." Kalias adds.

"Please don't kill us." Azriel says to Eris.

Eris raises his hand up to the ice wall. Slowly but surely the ice begins to melt. Drips of water landing on the floor and freezing again into ice.

Kalias watches in amazement.

Azriel does too.

The object getting more clear with each passing moment.

Kalias gasps, "That's a body!"

Eris stops for a second. He takes a step back.

"Keep going, Eris." Azriel says.

Eris places both his hands on the sheet of ice wall in front of him. Carefully he use his fire to melt the ice down even more. Not too quick but fast enough. The ice keeps melting, thinning the space between the three of them and the body.

Eris gets close. So close that he is scared of what he might see. Scared that it might be bones wrapped in clothes and garb. Or there might still be flesh on the body.

"Carefully now." Kalias instructs him.

Azriel's shadows come up the shell of his ear. They only ever do that if they have something to say to him. An important detail. A secret. A wrong move.

Eris pushes a bit farther and the body becomes easier to make out. So easy in fact that he feels like he can't stop. He can't stop, and Azriel's shadows seem to make out what the object finally is.

Eris and Azriel gasp at the same time.

There is the sheet of ice, half frozen and half thawed, is you.

-

"She'll be disoriented at best. There isn't any tonics or healing techniques for this type of situation." a voice says above you. It sounds older, feminine.

"But she'll be okay?" another asks. A male voice. A bit low.

"I'll have to check her vitals every few hours. And she shouldn't be crowded by too many faces. But, by my account, she'll be okay." the female voice.

"Thank you so much Majda." a new voice says. Male. A bit lower than the first one.

"Don't thank me yet. The road will be long to recovery."

"I think we'll take it." another voice says. Another female voice.

You try opening your eyes but they feel so heavy. And everything feels so cold. It wasn't like you to feel this cold. The Canary Isles weren't cold like this. This feels like a tundra nipping at the blood in your body.

You groan at the feeling.

"She's getting up. I need the three of you back."

You can faintly feel someone's touch on you. If you're in bed, there should be no one in your home. You live alone. But maybe something happened?

You try to speak but your throat feels sore.

"Don't try to speak just yet. You'll need something for that. When you're ready I want you to open your eyes." the older females voice says.

You swallow. Then you try opening your eyes again. It happens slowly. You feel like you have to peel them open, but they open. There is no light where you are. Which is weird because you sleep with the curtains half open usually.

The scent in front of you is very blurry. You can make out one face in front of you.

"Shake your head for no, and nod for yes. Can you see me?" she asks.

You shake your head. You reach up for your eyes but you feel her grab onto your hands.

"I applied something to your eyes to help you open them. But I'll wipe it off now before you rub it in." she says.

You nod your head once. She tells you what you're about to feel. And when you fell the damp cloth across your eyes your still flinch. But you let it happen.

As she wipes your vision clears up. And you can finally place her. Majda. If this is Majda, then that means...

Your heart starts racing.

"She's panicking. I need hands. Now." She says behind her back.

Which makes you look to what's right in front of you. Well not what, but who. Amren. Azriel and Eris.

Flashes of what led to you being here go through your mind. The rumblings. The cracks in the ground. The isles being split into four. The last day. How the land swallowed you whole and you landed in the water. Nowhere to swim to.

You're back here. Again.

"Lovesick fools, Amren!" Majda yells.

Amren comes over to your side. She rushes over and makes you lay back down completely. You're not in control of your emotions or your body. You can feel yourself flailing around but you can't stop yourself.

Weakly, you whisper, "Amren?"

"I know, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." she says.

"I won't give you the whole dose but, you need to calm down." Majda says to you.

Then you feel the pinch in your arm. You look over to your left side. A needle in your arm. It beings back memories of Beron. Poking and prodding at you, trying to figure you out. You let out a wail.

"That dose was nothing. It went right through her."

Amren looks behind her, "One of you do something!"

You watch as both of them walk over to you.

Eris slower than Azriel, who joins you on your left side where Majda is. He kneels down and extends his hand to yours.

As if to ask you to take it.

You want to cry. And that is what you do. You feel the tears roll down your cheeks as you look at him. His eye wet too. His lips form a sad smile when you take his hand softly.

The fear and the pain seeping through you seems to slow down a fraction. You feel like you can breathe again. You look over to your right side, where Eris and Amren are.

Eris makes a move to come closer to you but seems to think against it. You reach out your hand for him. He looks down at your hand, shock written all over his face, and then back up at you.

You nod your head at him.

He gives in fairly quickly. Eris takes your hand in his. You can feel the warmth from him and you let out a sigh. You settle into the bed below you a bit more.

"We thought you were gone. We felt it, the coldness." Eris says.

You're brows scrunch in the middle and you look over at Azriel. The last you checked, he couldn't feel anything like Eris could.

"I lied too. I'm sorry." Azriel speaks.

You shake your head, wanting so desperately to speak to them. To tell them how sorry you were. How you shouldn't have left without a goodbye. Or how you shouldn't have left them in such turmoil.

You take your hands and move them up both of their arms, willing them closer. Eris takes the hint first and sits on the edge of the bed. When your hands travels further, up his opposite shoulder he stills.

Azriel leans forward and places his head forward, into your side. Your hand snakes from his arm to the back of his head, your fingers in his hair.

It's then, and only then, that Eris tucks his head into your shoulder. And you finally feel like you're able to breathe normally. You reach up and rub the nape of his neck.

Sure the first time you got her had been some freak accident. But this time? This time had been fate pre-determined and unrelenting.

[prismuffin]

I just watched MI:V and I was searching for Ethan son reader fics and yours was the only one 🥺 I'm really grateful for that one though, it was perfect, wonderfully written. I guess my ask is similar and of course you can completely choose to ignore this too. But, yeah, Ethan comes home to get to know that his son is practically off the rails, has fallen into bad company which has given some bad habits too like maybe Ethan catches him smoking or something. Ethan then realises that he has to fix this and be home more often or it can even be that Solomon Lane captures the son to get Ethan to agree to him, anything works. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

A/n: I'm gonna try and filter out some of the asks in my inbox today!! A M:I ask to start off my day- I wrote way more than I planned to with this ask so I just made it a mini fic LMFAO

"You're My Son."

Dad!Ethan Hunt x Son!Reader

( summary: Ethan often worries what affect his absence is having on you and when he takes a break to head home he finds out )

warning?: mentions of smoking and drinking, readers depicted to be a teen of sorts but age is still fluid, semi-angsty? gets kinda sad

!-!more under the cut!-!

Ethan often wonders how his absence affects you, especially during such crucial years of you life and your development. He wishes he was the perfect father, maybe even just a good one but he knows that's easier said than done. On one hand he feels like the world needs him, and on the other, he knows that you do too. The guilt of leaving you to your own devices was catching up to him. No amount of daily calls to home could quell this concerned feeling within him so for the first time in who knows how long he took some time off. It was only two weeks, he just wanted enough time to let you know that he still cares, that he's still there for you, and then he'd go back to work feeling much better knowing that you don't feel like he's forgotten you.

After getting home he was a bit shocked to find you not there but didn't think anything of it, you're young and probably have friends you're hanging out with right now. But after a while it started to get late and dark and you weren't answering your phone so he decided to go out looking for you. He drove around his town searching for you, luckily his job made him very perceptive as it didn't take him long to find you. You stood outside a corner store surrounded by men that were obviously older than you, he watched in shock as you smoked with them, taking a swig of god knows what from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag. He was furious but that anger quickly turned into something else as he realized his fears were coming true. How could he blame you for something like this when he is obviously the responsible one. He should've been here more.

Flashing his headlights, your group stopped throwing rocks at signs in confusion, and you cursed under your breath as you prayed it wasn't the cops. Who stepped out the car was much worse though in your opinion.

Your father.

He stood by the side of his car with his hands in his leather jacket, staring directly at you with a face that told you, you were in for it. Clicking your tongue, you couldn't help but roll your eyes at him before dropping your cigarette and putting it out with your boot before saying bye to your group as you reluctantly walked up to the car. "Get in, y/n." was all your dad said when you got close enough.

The drive home was silent for only a minute before he spoke up. "Smoking y/n? Really?" You just stayed silent, continuing to look out the window, staring up at the moon. "And don't think I didn't see you drinking either, with older guys? Y/n, that's dangerous-" "They look out for me" You cut him off, daring to look at him. He opened his mouth before closing it with a sigh, not taking his eyes off the road. He thought for a moment, letting go the slight anger he felt at the situation, his eyebrows furrowing in concern as he spoke again. "I know I'm not always around and I'm sorry." His tone was sincere and you looked away from him, maybe it was because what he said made you angry, angry at the fact that it meant nothing. He was sorry? Does that even matter, the damage is already done. "But hanging out with men like them can get you in a lot of trouble." He stopped the car and it was only then that you'd noticed you'd made it back home but neither of you moved, he just simply turned to you with a worried expression. "Trouble I don't want to see you in. And look, I know I haven't been the best dad in the world, I know I'm never around but I still care about you. I think about you all day, everyday, whether I'm on a mission or not I wonder how you're doing without me and my worst fear was that my absence was making you bitter or sad and to see that I was right it's…" He trails off and you glanced at him, seeing the tears that had welled up in his eyes, your own looking quite similar as he placed his hand on your shoulder. "I'm gonna start being here for you okay? Not just with daily phone calls, I mean here." Though the angle was a little awkward with you both being in a car, he hugged you- and no matter how much you wanted to tell him to go fuck himself you couldn't, because you realized you missed him just as much as he missed you. You thought about him all day, everyday, whether you were busy or not. Wondering if he was alright or alive, knowing he risks his life everyday to save thousands if not millions of people.

So you hugged him back and let the tears flow, your grip on him tightening as you heard his next words. "You're my son, and I'm gonna take care of you again."

Ethan called IMF Headquarters that night, requesting much more than two weeks off.

----!----

( This was gonna be an ask but it turned out so long I just kinda made it a mini-fic )

Thanks for reading! Have a great day/night!!

Check my page for my Request Taking Status !!

See my DIRECTORY for upcoming fics!

Masterlist

[violetasteracademic]

I saw a reddit post a while back talking about how “obvious” gwynriel is, with hundreds of upvotes and everyone agreeing, saying that it’s exactly how SJM sets up her love interests, and it makes me feel like a crazy person.

I agree that SJM is obvious with her couples, but for me the only logical obvious answer is elriel. The entire time I was reading the series it couldn’t have been more obvious, and all my irl friends feel the same. We didn’t even know gwynriel was a thing. They barely interact in the books, and even then it’s only vaguely friendly and mostly one-sided. Then I get online and see all of these people who genuinely believe it’s gwynriel that’ll be endgame and I can’t understand how we’ve read the same books.

This is the only reason I question elriel at all; am I somehow missing something? What the hell are these people seeing that overshadows elriel’s foreshadowing? I just can’t see it from their point of view, no matter how many theories or analyzing I read from them. I almost wished I could so that this ship war wouldn’t be so frustrating, but I just can’t.

Sorry to throw this rant at you, your posts and explanations are just very comforting and you explain things so well. I read them whenever I’m worried to assure myself I’m not crazy :,)

Hi sweet anon!

I certainly don't think you are crazy or missing anything, and I'm glad to know that some of my posts have brought you comfort. That is my one and only goal.

I've been getting more and more messages like this in my inbox, and I've been struggling with how to answer them because I've learned that a lot of my thoughts don't really fit in with the fandom at large. I don't mind that other ships exist. I have real life G/wynriel and E/lucien friends that are very chill and wonderful and not knee deep in the online fandom and don't think horrific misogynistic things. I stay out of spaces where I'm bound to see something hurtful, and I scroll so fuckin fast when I see the Elriel community screenshotting and reblogging bad takes cause I *don't wanna see it.*

I'm just a girl, and while I'm honored that this little weirdo's opinion has become of some value in this little comfy cafe corner I'm trying to build here, I don't want to say the wrong thing and make people feel discredited and invalidated. I've learned that people really like being in the drama and venting and focusing on how badly the other side is behaving, which I don't really like, and it often leaves me at odds with my own "side" of the war. But since you are here in my asks, I'll share my thoughts. Please know I am saying this with all the tender love and care in my heart, but I say:

Just let them exist. You don't need to understand. You also don't need to let it worry you. None of us are in control of the ships that are sailing in this war. So for whatever it is worth, I want to encourage you to try to stay away from the spaces that make you feel upset, confused, hurt, or angry.

We are all honestly similar in ways that might be hard to admit. If we are here, deep into this fandom, we are probably connected in a number of ways. Maybe we're a little bit lonely (me), a little bit mentally ill (me), a little bit hyper-fixated (me). Maybe we are easily consumed and obsessed, and don't have anywhere for that energy to go in our real lives and so we live on in a chronic state of escape and disassociation (yep, me).

We are also an exceptionally small percentage of SJM's readership, and we take things as far as a fan could possibly take them. This is not how most readers are interacting with her work. So to see hundreds of upvotes on something, even thousands, yes- it seems like a lot. But it's not actually that much in terms of SJM's actual numbers. Anyone on reddit, tumblr, tiktok, ect, is looking for community and people who share their thoughts and likes and dislikes. I think this is often why a lot of non canon ships actually grow more popular than canon ships, because people are here looking for a road the written story will not take them down.

I don't think it's strange or offensive or unhinged that ships other than Azriel or Elain exist and are popular. I *do* think its a little odd that this fandom has taken the stance of proving non-canon things as canon instead of just enjoying crackships, but I can't honestly sit here and say my posts proving "canon" to try to comfort people who want the same fictional couple as me is not the exact same behavior. I think I'm right. They think they are right. There will come a day when Sarah lets us know what she has decided, and it's out of our hands. But the ships will live on.

I love so many non canon ships, and I engage with them here every day. This is what fandom is for. I think this fandom in particular would be a lot less toxic if we would just live and let live and leave each other be. I am gonna keep making theory posts and writing fanfic. They are gonna keep making theory posts and writing fanfic.

Take care of yourself. Rock the block button. Strangers on the internet do not get unfettered access to me or you or anyone else just because we are online. Set some boundaries for yourself. Lurk where you feel good.

I hope my page continues to be one of those places where you can lurk to feel better. And if that ever changes, block me. I encourage it deeply. I actually feel relieved when I can see that someone has blocked me, because I know they are taking care of themselves and also saved me the time and energy of trying to diffuse an argument.

I hear your frustrations. I know it sucks to want to go on reddit if that has been a fun and comforting space for you, and now it feels overrun and not safe and not fun. Grieve that. We obviously all care very deeply, and that's okay. It's nothing at all to be ashamed of.

But at some point, we are all gonna have to learn to live with each other, because no matter what happens in canon, the ships are not going anywhere.

Take care of yourself, anon. And I hope you continue to find comforting spaces to rest.

[genericpuff]

I'm curious - how many unanswered asks do you have in your inbox? Or do you just delete the ones you don't plan on answering?

do you feel good anon

do you feel good about yourself with this question

targeting me like that

geeeeez

ok but more seriously LMAO i have an embarrassingly large amount of unanswered asks but i do read all of them <3 a lot of them honestly are just from folks like, sharing their anonymous opinions about either LO and LR, with the odd one about comic advice, sharing webtoon recommendations, and other things of that nature!

In the case of the LO asks, it's stuff that often has already been spoken about at length before so I don't really have anything to add (but trust me, I'm usually in total agreement, if I heavily disagree with a take I'll usually try to respond to it but it's rare that that's the case because most of the takes are just things like "wow the art in this panel sucks" like yep it sure do LOL) and often it just feels like my inbox is just like, a comment box for people to get their feelings out anonymously and honestly that's fine, I just also can't really respond to every single one unfortunately, but I do read them and I love y'all's takes!

With LR asks, y'all are way too sweet to me and send me just the kindest things about LR, and I hope y'all know that even if I wind up not getting back to your ask about it, I do read everything you send and appreciate so much the amount of support you've all shown for this project since I took it on <3 A lot of those asks are literally my version of "do it for her" where I read them and it reminds me of why it's so worth doing what I do :') <3

Whenever people recommend me other works to read, I add them to a list and I am currently trying to tackle it :) (honestly that list isn't as big as you'd think, a lot of the recommendations are for the same stuff, like other Greek myth retelling comics or otherwise just bad webtoons that people want me to suffer thru LOL) I just recently finally got a physical copy of Song of Achilles and while it's slow going, I'm gonna be sharing my extended thoughts about it, either in a big Tumblr post or maybe a video if I can motivate myself to do it 🤔

And of course, the comic advice asks... these ones admittedly I do tend to actually move into my drafts because I really, REALLY do want to respond to them, but I'm also not someone to half-ass responses to questions like that. That is a bit of a bad habit on my end because it often means I'm spending crazy amounts of time going over topics that can be researched, but I also just really love talking about comics so it doesn't feel good to get a comic advice ask and just leave it at "idk just start" like yeah, do that, but also I want to pass on all the things I WISH I had known when I was first starting out and I'm glad people see me as someone to learn those things from! So when it comes to those asks, don't worry, I'm picking away at them <3 (but also man, I should probably just like... put together some kind of hitchhiker's guide to comic making or something huh LOL)

Anyways! I do have a lot of unanswered asks and honestly, I'm not really one to delete them, even if I don't get back to some of them it is still nice to read them in their own little curated space separate from my main blog, it's kind of like a personal comment section between myself and those of you who took the time to write <3 The only asks I tend to outright delete are ones that are just like, way too bad faith to even want to give any attention to, or bot spam lmao But for the majority of y'all who have sent genuine asks to my inbox and never saw a response and worry that I might have ignored it or deleted it, I hope you can have reassurance in knowing that they are all still there and even if I can't make time every day to respond to them, receiving all your personal takes about LO and your amazing feedback and kind words about LR is something I'm always excited to see whenever that little notification pops up in my Inbox tab. I see you and appreciate you <3

[autisticlancemcclain]

PSA

hello everyone!! a bit of a serious post today.

i don't want to sound whiney. but i have noticed a bit of a tone in a couple of my asks lately?? very few of them, let me assure, but a couple people seem to be frustrated at the speed/rate at which i answer asks. so i wanted to help clear the air.

REASONS I HAVE NOT YET ANSWERED YOUR ASK (THAT I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO HAVE):

i am in the process of answering it

sometimes i get asks for certain fics, to either write or to help find. and these things take time! sometimes i get very lucky and fics hit me as soon as i see them, but more often it takes me days or weeks! and fic searches take me even longer!

2. i have other ideas

you guys have a lot of great headcanons and fic premises! i do too. i've been in this fandom since june of 2016, there's a very VERY long list of things i want to write. things get added to the roster, i promise.

3. i am busy

i am in school full time and working part time and volunteering and preparing for teacher's college admissions. writing is my favourite thing to do every day and while i do prioritise it i cannot have it as my first priority. often, this blog gets pushed back when i get busy, as much as i wish that wasn't the case.

4. i am overwhelmed

sometimes the asks pile up. i try to answer comments as they come but for some reason asks work a little bit differently in my brain?? idk. it can be harder for me to force myself to start answering them, even though i love receiving them and when i'm in the mood i could answer fifty at once.

and very, very rarely:

5. i simply do not vibe with it

it happens occasionally. i have a very niche corner of headcanons and stuff i enjoy writing, so it's bound that every once in a while someone sends me an ask with their ideas that just aren't what i personally would read/write. doesn't mean the idea is bad or that i don't enjoy getting excited about your ideas with you, it's just not always going to be something i have the train of thought to write :)

i hope that's not disappointing! i know there are a couple asks that have been sitting in my inbox for over a YEAR. i am getting to them, i promise. one such ask has even inspired a novel-length fic that i'm still working on. finally, i want to remind you guys that i am autistic, and as much as i'm fully capable of handling myself online and everywhere else, i do struggle to read and understand tone and social cues and as such can often miss offense where it is intended or find it where it is not. i can't even tell you if the two examples i included are actually objectively rude/demanding, i can only tell you that they felt that way. there is no need to censor yourself or be anxious to shoot me a message, just maybe remember that i'm doing this for fun? and it frustrates me when it's treated as if it's a job. if you're worried about coming off as demanding, let me know and i'll post some examples of requests that i don't find demanding at all, only excited (which is, and i can't stress this enough, the vast majority of every message i see). thank you guys and ily <333

[symptomsofdeceit]

hihi!! :3 this is my first ever time sending someone an ask AND IM REAAALLY NERVOUS. gonna stay anonymous, because i'm a bit shy. also sorry if my grammar and spelling gonna be goofy, english isn't my first language :")

i found out about your game a couple of days ago and these crazy boys won't leave my mind ever since. i looove pathetic loser men and yanderes ❤️. demo is great!! your art style is soo pretty and i really like your character writing!!!! forgot that description said that there's two yanderes, so Nalis ending got me like 😳😳😳 OKAY THAT'S UNEXPECTED BUT SO DAMN HOT. Thaumo is so adorable! THAT MOMENT WITH FORK THO 😭😭😭 don't know which one of them is my fav so far. guess they have to fight for my heart so i could find out >:3 Tremo is so pretty!! ah, tired mysterious women are my weakness ❤️ also i feel sorry for Johnsoni, poor guy! #justice for Johnsoni, hope to see his sprite in future :"D i'm so eager to see what's awaits MC in next update. i know that game development isn't that easy, especially when you have to work irl. don't forget to take breaks from time to time, make an update at your own comfortable pace aand stay hydrated!!! your tumblr page and answer for other ppl asks about these weirdos is my food for now ❤️❤️❤️

SORRY THAT'S A WHOLE ESSAY LOL. just wanted to show how much i love your visual novel and characters! have some ideas for asks too, hope i will find the courage to write here again :"3 watch out Nalis and Thaumo, my future asks might be… veery silly >:D

Hello, & I apologize for this reply being late! I appreciate the ask very much, & no worries on your English!! I think you’ve done perfect here :)

I’m so so happy that you’ve enjoyed my demo!!!!This entire message has me grinning at my phone so so hard. If you eventually do decide on a favorite between the two I’d love to know which one it is!! I hope you’re taking breaks + staying hydrated in your life as well, and thank you so much for all of your kind words (｡ŏ﹏ŏ)💕💕💕💕

You have no idea how much I appreciate your words, this means a lot to me!! I would really love to have you in my inbox again, so I’m mentally sending you all the courage I can ✨💪😤 silly asks are some of my favorites, I’m excited to see what you’d throw at the boys!

[strxnged]

KAVEH: # following a long day. comfort/platonic; 500w.

your day had been exceptionally terrible, and, showing up at kaveh and alhaitham’s doorstep, you pleaded with kaveh to let you stay the night so that you wouldn’t have to be alone with yourself.

he opened the door wide for you, of course, asking if you wanted anything to drink.

“i’d rather just go to bed if that's alright,” you told him. “i can sleep on the couch.”

“are you sure?”

you told him that you'd sleep on the floor if it meant you wouldn't have to be alone.

he decided that he would sleep on other couch in the sitting room.

he pulled two blankets out for you:

”this one was brought from some merchants in aaru village to port ormos, where i purchased it,” he told you, “and this one i got from a weaver from fontaine. sheepskin. just look at the design!”

you took one. “at least i’ll be sleeping in style.”

the couch was not uncomfortable, and you were not cold, but of course you still could not sleep. events of the day haunted your thoughts as you lay back, only light from the hall lantern and moonlight from the foyer window preventing sheer darkness.

“comfy?”

“i'll be fine.”

“that sounds like a no.”

you managed a chuckle.

“sorry, am i keeping you awake?”

“don't worry about me,” you said, “what about alhaitham? isn't he in bed?”

kaveh scoffed. “at this hour? he's probably still reading. i wouldn't be concerned about keeping him awake, friend. he can complain to me tomorrow.”

“i’d feel bad.”

“no, no. please don't feel bad for inconveniencing alhaitham.”

you felt a bit better. “and you?

“i’d rather you were here and miserable than alone and miserable.”

“well.” you pulled your blanket up to your neck. “i appreciate it, kavs.”

“kavs?”

you smiled to yourself.

he asked you what the nickname meant, but you didn't reply.

“you're a strange one, y/n. you better explain it tomorrow.”

“mhm,” you said. and again, emotion hit you out of nowhere, deafening you to anything he said afterwards. you rubbed your eyes, wishing that you could imagine anything else.

kaveh noticed your silence and asked you what had happened today.

you could not tell him all the details—you could not bear it.

but you told him some.

enough that he understood why you came over.

his voice was soft and careful when you were done.

“i'm sorry,” he said into the darkness, “i’m sorry you had to go through that. i wish i could keep you from ever feeling how you do now. is—is there anything i can do to help?”

“kaveh, you're doing plenty just by having me here.”

“nonsense.”

you didn't respond, your eyes threatening to shut.

“are you sleeping yet?”

you weren’t, yet, but you stayed quiet.

“sleep tight, y/n.”

you heard a bit of a shuffle, but your eyes were shut and so you did not look. you got a feeling, however, that kaveh had repositioned himself on the floor next to the couch you were lying on, ready to comfort you should you need it.

author's note. hello my lovelies. i've got reason to believe that you may have had a bad day recently if you read this far; here's your reminder that kaveh would want to hear you out, and that i do want to hear you out if you need to vent. my inbox is open and you may specify that you don't want your ask answered/answered publicly.

also, as of posting this, i wrote this two weeks ago, but kept it in my drafts until i was sure i wanted to post it. i had an exceptionally long day at work today and it felt right. it was a nice read, too. i love kaveh.

consider reblogging if you enjoyed!

➳ GENSHIN MASTERLIST

[rmd-writes]

Hi!! I always love what you write, so I'm very excited to see whatever this secret project is! But for now I do have a question about beta reading. How did you break into it? For a long time I have thought that I would enjoy doing that for different people, and I like that kind of fine-tooth comb editing work. But I am not a writer myself, just an avid fic enjoyer, so it feels like I can't quite bring as much to the table or meet other authors in a mutual kind of way. And I would never want to imply that an author needed that extra help or anything like that by just cold reaching out to them. Sorry that so much about me haha, I'm not necessarily looking for any advice (though if you had any I would certainly take it) but I am curious about how you got into it and what your experience has been like! Thank you!!

Hi nonnie! Thanks for the ask!

Can I just say to start with, that as an avid fic enjoyer, you absolutely can meet writers and other creators in a mutual way! Everyone has a place in fandom and something to contribute. It would be a very lonely world for creators if people weren't there to enjoy what we make (and hopefully tell us what they're liking those things). Personally, I appreciate readers so much and I especially love seeing regular names pop up in my inbox 💖💖

As for how I got into beta reading, it started back when a pal in Schitt's Creek fandom was writing a fic and worried that she was going to lose motivation to write it so I offered to sit in the doc and cheer her on. Please note that my motivation for doing so was entirely selfish because it meant that I had early access to the fic that I desperately wanted her to keep writing 😅 that eventually turned into me beta reading that fic (and all of her fics after that) for her.

I started beta reading more frequently in RWRB - I'd signed up as a beta reader for an event, but around the same time I also got to know other writers via a discord server. Sometimes people would ask for beta readers and I'd volunteer - I'm still a tiny bit dirty that @three-drink-amy snagged the beta rights to bleedingballroomfloor's baseball boyfriends fic right out from under my nose even though she is far better qualified than I to beta read a baseball fic - so much so that she helped me with the baseball scenes in my rwrb lawyer au lol (please know that I love them both dearly, there is no internet beef here).

You say that you don't want to reach out to writers and imply that they need assistance, but honestly, sliding into people's DMs and letting them know that either I'm very interested in X fic that they're writing and would they like someone to beta read it or that I'm available in general to help if they want it because I love their writing is how I've ended up beta reading for almost all of the writers I do that for!! People are generally just thankful to know that someone is interested in their writing! It can be a lonely hobby sometimes and having someone to live in your docs or send snippets to can help balance the need for wanting to talk about your fics with someone or bounce ideas off someone and wanting to keep what you're working on under wraps.

God, this is getting really long, I'm so sorry. I've been rambling and I'm not even sure that I answered your question.

You asked what my experience has been like and for the most part, it's been very positive! I get early access to fics (I often say that my favourite way to read a fic is in google docs 😂), I get to cheer my friends on and sometimes they even trust me enough to let me throw ideas at them and write them into their stories - sometimes I even get to do this without actually doing any editing and that's just as fun. I love beta reading, I think there's something really special about being trusted with the draft of someone's writing and getting to help make it the best that it can be (what that involves looks different for every writer I work with). 💖

And all of that doesn't even touch on how much I learn from the writers I've worked with - it's definitely helped me improve my own writing!

[im14andivebeen14foramonth]

Questions for the descendants au (I’ve been hooked since I saw the name, I watched the movies so much when I was younger) are you going to be doing the classic au thing of just swapping out the characters? (Such as Pony replaces xyz, King Ben becomes zyx) Or are you going to just use the general premise, picking out new (or additional) villain parents?

Tying in, since the main group of the movies is a set of four, would you be keeping that and putting the other three of the Curtis gang somewhere else, like Uma’s group or something, or would you just expand the group of four to be seven and have Uma’s group be other characters (like Tim Shepard???)

okay wait now my brain’s spinning to the third movie, where they bring in the kids. We don’t really know any kid greasers, the youngest we know of are Two-bit’s sister, Pony, Curly, and Johnny. So if you kept more in line with the original movies plots you could have Darry, Soda, Two-bit, and Dally as a core four and they bring over Pony, Johnny, Curly, and Two’s sister later

(just to be clear you don’t have to do anything with these ideas, I wanted to ask questions and then my brain started rambling and I figured might as well share them in case they were useful)

Hiii! Sorry this has been in my inbox for so long lol I meant to answer so much sooner

I just made another post saying which character was which including the socs, but pretty much I just put the outsiders character into different character's places and then added in different villain parents when I needed to lol. So here's a little bit from that post:

Pony is Mal

Darry and Soda are also just Maleficent's kids she just has 3 kids now lol

Two-Bit is Carlos

Steve is Jay

Johnny is Evie (just...hear me out on this one okay I was struggling lol) (and also since Mala and Evie are best friends it seemed fitting)

I needed to find another parent for Dally and Mother Gothel just felt right

And YES Uma's group!!! I was definitely thinking that Uma's Pirate Crew would be the Shepards

Tim is Uma, Curly is Harry, Angela is Gil

Don't worry they're all siblings so there's no weird romance shit going on between Tim and Curly like there was between Uma and Harry

Also I know Angela as Gil isn't very fitting but we'll just...change Gil's personality I guess lol

And it would definitely be interesting in terms of the plot of the third movie!! Since the core 4 of descendants is now the whole 7 person gang I think that they would maybe just bring over other villain kids (I wish we heard about more younger people than just Two-Bit's sister so that there would be more outsiders character to work with here but I guess they could just be more random kids lol)

I'll be making another post soon enough going more into the characters, their relationships, and the plot that I'm thinking about, I just need to spend some time cooking it up lol

[hwajin]

#!! - 𝐓𝐖𝐈𝐍 𝐅𝐋𝐀𝐌𝐄 — 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞 ; ᴛᴏᴜᴄʜ

— 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: angst

— 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: hyunjin x reader, chan x reader

— 𝐰𝐜: 6.5k

— 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: a first word, a first impression. a first touch, and then some more.

— 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬/ 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: from the next chapter and up imma make longer chapters hence probably gonna take a bit longer in between posting!! i've started off with shortish chapters since i was scared to end up with like only two lmao, but now that i'm on my 5th one and haven't even reached the main happening of this whole thing i'll start making longer chapters!! do leave feedback and tell me how you liked this chapter (i'm a bit unsatisfied with how this one turned out so i hope some of you will still enjoy it <33). i'd love to read some of y'all theories or predictions to how this is gonna go, so if you have ANY thoughts about this series don't be shy to pour em out in tags or my inbox <33

series masterlist | next chapter

You haven’t talked much with Chan. When he has pulled you by the hand to drag you outside and away from the crowd – away from the stranger – only a few words have fallen, your apologetic ones, Chan’s frustrated.

“Then explain it to me, cuz I don’t really get it if I’m honest. Like- I might be overreacting but this dude was obviously staring… and you were staring back as if you knew him?! Like do you? Are you lying to me? Or was he just so hot you forgot you have a boyfriend here today?”

Chan hasn’t been screaming by any means, hasn’t raised his voice. And yet his anger was felt, through his words and movements. His face contorted, brows scrunched and lips pursed. A habit he had when madness got to him. And it had made you feel guilty. Oh so guilty. And then; annoyed.

Because if you were honest, who was he to not believe you? Who was Chan to assume he was aware of the stranger and his doings on you for weeks on end, who was he to lash out on you when he hasn’t been making efforts to go as far as to notice your worrying and your pondering the past weeks? How was Chan higher of a person to accuse you of something you weren’t guilty of, not really? Because staring wasn’t cheating surely, and Chan was all too jealous, entirely overreacting. Though maybe that was a lie to calm only yourself.

“Babe, I don’t want to fight, please, he just- I have seen him a couple weeks back, in the store, I thought I remembered him. That’s it. I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me- he must have remembered me as well. That’s it.”

It had taken you all your will to stay calm, to not lash out as well and break into a fight. Because you have promised it to yourself, and you have promised it to Chan. That you would work on it, on your relationship, together. You didn’t want to be the first to screw it up. Not on a party like this, not in the midst of tons of people, not under the influence. And yet, you needed to remind yourself actively of those facts, needed help to remember what exactly you have promised each other, what exactly you and Chan have agreed on. Because you so badly wanted to turn your head toward the stranger, so badly wanted to see if he was still standing by the bar. It took you more willpower to keep your eyes on Chan that it had needed to collect yourself.

And in the matter of seconds Chan has been dragged out by his friends, all apologetic to steal him away from you but they needed him for the next game they had planned or they couldn’t play, and you had been left standing alone on the balcony, without an answer from your boyfriend, without a glimpse into his thoughts, without reassurance. With the ever-growing wish to go and look for the stranger. To go up and talk to him, ask what his deal was, what kind of sick game he was playing to be living in your thoughts for longer than you’d love to admit. To go up to him and ask of his name, how his day had gone, whether or not he’s been thinking about you as well, as vividly and intimately as you have. You wanted to be close to him, wanted to flee into his closeness for comfort. And it was so utterly stupid that you couldn’t help but scoff about yourself, letting your head fall into your hands. The stinging wind was cutting your skin, the exposed parts of your arms, your cheeks. It fluttered through your hair, made a mess of it. Mimicking your mind. Oh, how pathetic you were.

It was strange. The feeling was so incredibly strange that it dared to tie up your ways of breathing. If you had expected to see the stranger tonight or not – nothing would have prepared you when you had met his eyes. He wasn’t simply attractive, not only the image you remembered him as from weeks prior. He had something more about him – an aura, or maybe simply a radiance – that nearly physically pulled you towards him. That had made you want to keep staring, make a double take, while amid talking to Chan. He was strange. Strange to appear here out of all places, and tonight out of all nights after having been creeping in and out your mind. And precisely that, the mystery of him, the unknown about his persona were the motives that made you look back, through the glasern door of the balcony, and into the living room – where he still stood, now moved further into the middle, further into the turmoil of people, talking to a man you have never seen before, a friend probably, maybe the one he came with. The conversation was heated – the strangers' mimics were, at least; face contorted into one of seeming shock, arms passionately gesturing something you couldn’t understand.

For a split second you hoped it would be about you, the conversation, the look on his face. His big movements. You had noticed that he had been staring you down as much as you have – as though he was sensing the same, as though his heart, too, had squeezed so hard the tension had made him dizzy, as though his lungs, as well, had been cut short when your eyes had met. You forced the thought away as fast as it came – it scared you, how fast he was pulling you in, how quick the next thought occupied your mind – would it be all too wrong to go up and talk to him? Your first, initial response was that yes, it would be thoroughly dumb to mingle with the stranger that caused an argument with your boyfriend – not mentioning that he was the one you came with, anyways, that he was the one to be taking your side, the one you should be stealing glances from. But then another, far louder voice in your head argued the opposite. Argued that it was fine, because really, how good was your boyfriend anyways? And what had he given you besides headaches recently, besides reasons to sit him down and talk it out, long and painful, with tears filling both your eyes? The stranger showed nothing of that nature – the stranger looked like love itself, the personification of it, looked like the puzzle piece that you were missing to find for years on end.

What was wrong with you, truly?

Warm guilt nagged at your bones and crept its way up your nape, to the plush of your cheeks. It was a strange feeling of anxiety when thinking about the manner, about the man in the living room you were eyeing from your secure position on the balcony. A feeling of anxiety because thinking about it, about him, hinted at everything that was wrong with Chan. Hinted all those small cracks in a love you built so dearly, all those cracks that might break eventually if you weren’t careful enough. Because thinking of the stranger in such way you did, romanticising his entire persona so only your image of him was left fantasising over and putting said image above your boyfriend, as though you painted a faith you wished for instead of the faith you possessed – it was dangerous, it put you in a state of uneasiness. Not only because you had promised Chan to try, but because being reckless when it came to love wasn’t always bound to end well. Being reckless towards another person – a mere stranger that might have no interest in you, that might only want a one-night fuck or less from you – was dumb, had to be incredibly stupid.

And then you set your right foot in front of your left one, and your left one up front again, until you reached the glassy doors of the balcony, until your fingers wrapped around the cold, metallic handle of it, until the warmth of stuffiness and the scent of alcohol welcomed you inside again. You weren’t thinking, not really. You didn’t have a plan in mind, let only your subconscious lead you – if to him or not you weren’t sure; your eyes, at last, were fixed on the stranger. Fixed on the man that was yet to see you, fixed on the man that was now standing alone in the middle of the tumult; as though a pillar of comfort in a room of inquietude. He shouldn’t be, shouldn’t have that effect on you. In all honesty, you weren’t sure if he was having any effect on you, after all – or if it was Chan who simply didn’t, and if you instinctively looked for the next best option. Another possible source of steadiness, because you were a coward, and feared to be alone the older you got.

Tranquillity. Momentarily the room, the stuffed four walls, the singing and laughing; all turned quiet. Silent. Because he had found your eyes, was staring right at them, through them. You thought that not one person you have crossed paths with ever looked at you the way he did – as though with sole interest and with absence of ulterior motives, and with an understanding that would turn irrelevant if spoken out loud. Understanding that could only be thought and would lose meaning if you questioned it too much. And in the same breath, you questioned how a stranger could possibly bear such understanding towards you. A familiarity almost, as if you’ve known the other already, as if you weren’t yet to exchange first words.

Your legs carried you instinctively, even if you wanted to flee from the scene, turn around and strut right back towards the entrance door and away from every single person in the room; it wouldn’t have been in your power. You have felt an urge prior in relation to the stranger – when you had first met him, when you had first laid eyes on his ones, when he occupied your mind and made it his own. There’s always been a pulling, a yearning when your mind wandered to him; like an itch you couldn’t scratch. And that feeling was at its climax, right this moment, when you came closer to him with every step you took. If someone asked you, you wouldn’t possibly be able to explain what it was that you were feeling. Maybe you did see something like salvation in him – felt that he might be the one capable of showing you real emotions, real love; hence the yearning. Maybe it wasn’t anything describable at all though, nothing that could be put to words, something inhumane. A yearning that would never ease off fully, or would with him only. You weren’t entirely sure – not about him, nor about you, and not about what was expecting you when you’d only walked up to him, stood before him. You weren’t entirely sure about anything. And yet you didn’t stop making your way towards his figure; the way he was standing in the middle of the room, unsureness, nervousness written in his body language, though eyes strictly held on yours.

And the little bit of sour aftertaste that the guilt left behind was barely enough to make you feel truly bad when you stood closest to him you have ever before. When you could lock eyes so intimately, when you could smell the subtle scent of his cologne on his porcelain skin. It was sweet but not too much, vanilla undertone but only the right amount. He smelled comforting. A bit like home, maybe.

“Hi.”

He looked utterly startled. Shocked. You were too, if you were honest with yourself – it was the first word ever exchanged, the opening, the first push to what could turn into something big. To what you felt would turn into something big – you had yet to decide if the thought was comforting or entirely horrified you.  

You were sweet. Your voice was, calm and collected, though Hyunjin sensed hints of nervousness. You weren’t one to blame though – his hands were clammy with sweat and his knees came closer to pudding than actual skin and bones. It was such a simple word. Such a simple start to a conversation. Yet he wouldn’t ever have been brave enough to utter it. If for your supposed boyfriend or not – Hyunjin might have never had the courage to have broken the ice. Because truly, what would he say? That he was obsessing over you secretly, imagining a life with you before you had exchanged a word? That you had housed in his mind ever since he saw you, and that seeing your boyfriend on this night of all nights almost made him cry in front of hundreds of people?

And truly – what was he supposed to say now?

“H – Hi.”

Awkward, cringe worthy almost, but he went with it. And you were only looking back, as though deciding on your next words, maybe unsure what to say or scared to screw the conversation up. Though there was nothing, Hyunjin thought, nothing you could really do to make him lose interest. Not now, not anymore. Not after he’s got the littlest bit of taste of you.

The man’s voice was soothing. Laced in sweetness, sounding like dripping honey. It was intoxicating momentarily, and you found yourself wishing to hear that voice for the rest of days.

It felt surreal. Standing before him, talking – sparsely now but a first step was made. To hear his voice, watch his mimics, his movements, smelling him subtly against the mix of booze and sweat in the room – it felt so surreal that your knees dared to give out.

And the next moments rushed by in pure bliss. From the first introduction; “Uh– hi, I’m uh– y/n, sorry to be bothering you like this but… it’s probably dumb but I ,like, remembered you from a few weeks back, I think we crossed paths in the small store? Just wanted to say hi, really.” – who were you kidding, you knew exactly you had met in the small store.

And to receive an answer; “Oh yeah, I remembered as well…! I didn’t really– want to go up and talk to you, your… boyfriend… seemed quite mad from me only looking...” – a distressed chuckle from him and your expression had changed at the label, the name for the man who had been dancing behind you, and you were surprised the stranger even went as far as to mention Chan. In an awkward joke only, yet mentioned.

And then; “Oh yeah, don’t worry about him he– I guess he gets worked up easily.” – cringe yourself to a reddened face, feeling you have admitted more than you should have.

Though him, after a short break in which it seemed like he had analysed, your character or your words, yet giving no comment to your boyfriend and the answer you have given in relation; “My name’s Hyunjin. By the way.”

The conversation went well. Neither of you brave enough to address the elephant in the room – but then again, you couldn’t be sure the other would know what you were talking about. If feelings and the constant reappearing image of the other wasn’t mutual it would only turn things awkward. So, you simply didn’t mention and neither did he, both of you resolving to talking about things of less risky nature; which went surprisingly and utterly well. Words came naturally with Hyunjin, same interests and hobbies, values and morals settling their way into your exchange. It wasn’t hard to find next topics, wasn’t pushy or out of place when Hyunjin asked to bring you a drink. There was no shyness when the other cracked a joke, revealing the same humour, though undeniably there was mutual nervosity from you two. Because none wanted to say a wrong thing, none wanted to end up in awkward silence – though it seemed impossible. It seemed impossible to ever stop talking, to ever not know the next topic of a conversation, to ever grow out of interest and urging curiosity. It went on and on and on, the exchange of words, and the glow in your eyes shone brighter the more information was revealed.

And then there was something else. You weren’t sure if it was Hyunjin, the nature of his persona. Maybe he had that effect on anyone – maybe he had girls swarming around him at all times, maybe the feeling he brought, the aura when he only stepped into the room was intoxicating to most. Or maybe it was the effect he had justly on you – the impeccable need to touch him. To feel his skin on yours, not connect fingertips, to intertwine digits, to meet palms. To brush away the bits of messy dark hair that fell around his face, to glide your hand across his cheek. To feel the plushness of his lips, on your own ones or on various parts of your skin – you didn’t care. And every time you two stood closer the urge expanded. Grew harder to resist, and you needed a physical step back to not let your body have a mind of its own. Only then, only when establishing a certain distance between your bodies could you breathe again, think straight; relatively. Because you thought you would never learn entire calmness in his presence.

|||

She was intoxicating. Intoxicating in every sense the word allowed it to be, in every sense the word was. Truly, Hyunjin couldn’t quite grasp the luck he was blessed with to be talking to you today, if he was quite honest. Talking so easily to you, so freely, engaging so wholeheartedly, as if you haven’t just met moments ago, as if that wasn’t your first conversation. By the time you have talked for an hour without a break – only separating shortly to let Hyunjin pour you a drink, giving himself a freezing coke – he’d love to ease his nerves off a bit, but responsibilities called for something different – Hyunjin had forgotten about your boyfriend altogether, dismissed that you had come with another man at all. That maybe Hyunjin shouldn’t be talking this easily to you, this freely.

“Uhh, yeah, lately I’ve been lacking motivation though. Or maybe– maybe I’ve been lacking inspiration, rather.”

His answer had followed your fascination about Hyunjin’s occupation. Though not yet an artist, only an aspiring one, your eyes grew big and your jaw fell open when Hyunjin revealed his doing, his passion. He blushed upon your reaction, flattered that something so natural to him, something that was simply part of his persona for most of his friends, had you intrigued.

“Hmm, where do you get your inspiration from then, if you’re lacking it?”

Visible interest from your side, not simply polite conversation.

“Everything, honestly. Mostly from the things that happen around me, you know, surroundings, places… people.”

Locking eyes with you in hopes you got the hint, and the darkened tint on your face revealed that yes, you might have caught on. The rushed sip you took right after was indicator enough, and Hyunjin was pleased with himself; he wasn’t the big flirt, so hoped he did a good job when it came to you.

Not only has Hyunjin never been asked such question; most people that knew little about art rarely asked further to get to know the nature of it, and other ones, mutual-minded and further artists, knew all about the subject anyways. Knew where inspiration was taken from, knew the basic processes of an art piece coming together; no one in his field would ever ask him such question, would give him opportunity to vent from within his heart. So Hyunjin had never talked about such topic really, with anyone. About the things that drive him, the things that make his heart swell, that make him want to capture emotions onto canvas. Because either people were uninterested, or knew enough; you were the first and only one to ever poke deeper, into his soul or mind, he wasn’t sure. But it didn’t matter, not really, because you did poke, nevertheless. And he would pour his heart out to you anytime you did.  

You hummed contently at his answer, eyes on him, as though determined to read the words his heart wrote. It got him shy, honestly. Got him giddy, a funny feeling spreading in the pit of his stomach, one that he hasn’t felt ever since his last high school crush; that’s how he felt, in your presence. Like a dumb-minded boy running on hormones, heart shaped, pink tinted glasses on his face and he solely got to know your name yet. The air as though smelled of pheromones in your proximity, made you irresistible; Hyunjin wondered if only he caught onto that, though. If only his body was torn and needed reminding that he couldn’t simply reach out to you and hold your arm, or place gentle fingers on your cheek, to tug a fallen strand of hair behind your reddened ear. That after all, you had come here with another man, and that flirting on his side shouldn’t be taken too far, that simply talking, getting to know you was perfectly fine, if you only allowed it; if not for the mind numbing effect you had on him. If it wasn’t impossibly difficult to keep his eyes on your ones without his head sending into spiral, if it wasn’t pathetic, the way he lapped up every slurred word that rolled past your lips. You had ignited something in him Hyunjin never felt before, and if not weeks prior when you had first met then surely at tonight's party.

It was strange, increased whenever his body was closest to you; the feeling similar to when you had first encountered, though undeniably stronger now, harder to ignore. And Hyunjin was simply left to question what it could possibly mean – were it only the beginnings of a crush, giddiness about another? It surely didn’t feel like it; too banal for how his heart was pulled by every bit of its strings, towards your direction, towards where you were standing at all times. He felt guilty; both for how little it took him to get to this point – sure, he was hopeless, he was a romantic, yet it didn’t change the fact that his behaviour was nothing if not desperate, pitiful. The other part of his guilt grew from the simple fact that the other man yet hasn’t disappeared from the overall scenario. He was still there, and somewhere on this party, most likely; if he went home alone, he’d be a blatant asshole, and something in Hyunjin told him that you wouldn’t settle for such.

And then you reached over the counter, to refill your red cup with a bit of soda, to ease off the bitterness in your drink – your naked arm close to Hyunjin’s, body only inches away from the other; and all guilt was blown away, brain short circuiting and urge setting off to various fibres in his body. You must have felt it, as well; for you froze in place, for only a moment but Hyunjin noticed, and you locked eyes with him vastly before taking the coke and hurrying to where you had been standing before, a bit further from him, comfortable space to hold conversation. A tension in the air now, a blush on each other’s faces, expressions blank and hinting confusion, questions. Until you coughed somewhat theatrically, playing off the creeping awkwardness that settled in the silence, and kept the conversation going. Easy as that, as though Hyunjin’s head wasn’t collapsing any passing moment he spent in your presence.

It wasn’t only the sensation he felt around you that stoke his interest; if he was honest with himself, if he shoved the reminder that you were taken to the back of his head – you were attractive. In a subtle way, Hyunjin thought. You had planned your appearance for today, surely, had put efforts into your make up, your outfit, your hair. You looked pretty, and Hyunjin had no doubt that you’d look just as attractive in your full natural form, right after waking up in the morning, or on days dedicated to relaxation. The way you talked was intriguing as well; whenever you asked Hyunjin a question your eyes sparked up, revealing interest. Whenever you laughed about a joke of his, your face lit up in utter content, giving Hyunjin a feeling pleased. And you were funny, witty, making Hyunjin laugh as well, making him blush and giggle. It would be embarrassing if he wasn’t simply happy to be talking to you.

He wondered how you must feel, if guilt plagued him already. It wasn’t in his favour to theorise about your relationship; it might be an open one, it might not be too serious, it might have any reason why you were talking to him instead of dancing with the other man right now. And yet he wondered if guilt did eat at you, if your mind was circulating not only around him, but around other matters; be it the man or simply the fear of being seen with a stranger. Though; your eyes weren’t wandering, weren’t searching the room for potentially getting caught; if that was something you were scared of, you left it unnoticed. Hence Hyunjin’s conclusion that maybe, just maybe, there was some hope that it wasn’t all that exclusive, that whoever this guy was wasn’t necessarily a big of an obstacle.

Until Hyunjin saw him in his peripheral vision.

The scenery changed quite drastically; from talking with you calmly, nothing but a feeling of comfort lacing the atmosphere, to suddenly clammy, thick tension in the air that stuffed the room with a disgusting aftertaste. Your boyfriend came up to you with big steps; it took a while until you saw him, were turned with your back to the direction he came from. Hyunjin saw from the get go that he wasn’t by any means violent, yet the dirty anger the man spread across the room of the house had Hyunjin’s senses on alert. It was dumb of him, he knew, that there was no risk in you getting hurt, no reason Hyunjin should truly worry about you – whoever the man was he wasn’t dangerous, that much was clear, was someone you knew and trusted, seemingly. And yet Hyunjin wasn’t all calm and collected. Not necessarily because the man shot him a jealous glare, not because you looked frightened, but because the situation that unfolded itself. There was a titillation of taking you away, taking you by your arm and leading you to somewhere clearer, quieter, better. To make you feel better; because Hyunjin knew that that place wasn’t in the arms of that man, your boyfriend or not. That the place better wasn’t who you currently were with, who was arguing with you now amidst confused people who started turning heads. Though maybe it was wishful thinking on Hyunjin’s side, delusions, as so often. You’d look him up and down with judgement in your eyes if Hyunjin as far as told you about the thoughts that spread his mind upon seeing you fight with your man.

He didn’t dare to interrupt, despite how much he wished to. Hyunjin let the scene happen, kept himself in the back, listening to the angry throwing of words, accusations; from his side as much as from yours.

“Oh, come on, you leave me alone on the balcony and I can’t look around for a friend to talk to?”

You tried to keep your voice down as much as possible with the booming bass ringing in your ears, tried not to gain attention from people around. With little success; drunks lapped up any bit of drama they could as banal as it was to them.

“You know why I’m pissed, don’t pretend you don’t?? We had just fucking talked about him outside, and then you’re fucking talking to him, fucking undressing him with your eyes- you think I didn’t see that??”

Hyunjin grew a whole shade darker. Being talked about in such a manner was both the part embarrassing as it was awkward, and the sour guilt that had occupied him shortly before settled back in. He’d been spacious with his flirting, as much as you had been you, in his opinion; it had rather been a conversation between freshly met people, though ulterior motives surely were involved Hyunjin would have argued that both of you managed to not show it excessively at all – though maybe not everyone saw it that way.

“Oh my god, Chan, let’s- let’s not do this here, alright? Let’s go home and fucking talk about it like adults, alri-“

You were frustrated; even from the little conversation Hyunjin heard it wasn’t frustration about this particular conversation, only. There was an exhaust in your voice that broke through like a dam, an annoyance, if towards your boyfriend or not it was unsure. And you were interrupted by him, rather rudely, a scoff leaving his lips.

“Oh yeah, talk about it like adults… the way we did before, huh? You promised-“, looking around, locking eyes with Hyunjin before his voice grew quiet, before he took you to the side, and before Hyunjin wasn’t able to follow the heated conversation anymore.

So – it was exclusive, after all. But Hyunjin couldn’t bring himself to feel bad, not really. He didn’t know all aspects of what had happened between the pair of you, not all sides of the story – but your argument had been valid. If your boyfriend – Chan, as Hyunjin now knew – hadn’t been wanting you to mingle with people he wouldn’t have disappeared for the duration of a whole hour and longer. Hyunjin had taken enough girlfriends to parties to know that staying together wasn’t necessary, wholly – and yet; it was oddly strange that you had ended up with so much free time on your hands, that your sweetheart of a boyfriend hadn’t noticed sooner of your absence if he was so displeased with the idea of seeing you with another. Maybe you were in the wrong as well, if only a slight bit, or maybe it was a sort of jealousy – but Hyunjin couldn’t shake off the icky feeling he had about Chan. It was nothing but immature and childish, yet he couldn’t change it. Not with the way Chan was gesturing his hands at you now, big and emotional, a bit aside from the main happening of the party, closer to the karaoke bar that was placed in the corner, and when your body language looked just as agitated, from Hyunjin’s ever same spot at the bar.

Now that you were standing further, the urge, the pulling of Hyunjin’s heart eased off, if only slightly. Enough to give him time to think, though, which came in handy. His mind was a mess, thoughts untamed and loud; for the nth time tonight he wished he was able to get some booze into his system. He was conflicted, if anything. Talking to you had been better than he could have imagined; it came without force, without worrying of next words that might screw up the mood, that might drive the conversation into awkwardness. You were sweet, interested, open. Made him feel comfortable, understood. Hoped he had the same effect on you. And then, in the same breath, he hoped he hadn’t. Hoped he had left you cold, if for the sake of your own happiness and anchor. Hyunjin’s heart hurt at the thought of being the one to cause trouble to your relationship; though not impressed with your man of choice, it was your choice after all – and if you were with him you must have a reason, must love him, or must have loved him in the past. The details didn’t quite matter, because being with him must have made you happy in one way or another, at some point in life – and to think that Hyunjin might have struck you in some way, might have ignited a fire in you was both an ego boost and as much a frustrating thought as they came. Because maybe he liked you enough already to be wanting to see you happy. And being the fuel to distress, to a heart wrenching break up wasn’t in Hyunjin’s favours.

Though maybe he made too much of himself. Maybe you had been only friendly, because he was too, because you had met shortly prior to this party. And maybe his wandering, yearning mind thought of himself to have had a bigger impact on you than you eventually concluded yourself – the possibility still stood that your intentions were only of friendly nature, and that Hyunjin was the epitome of embarrassment to think his sporadic attempts at flirting were possibly enough to break off any relationship. He was ludicrous, if anything.

“Fuck this, I’m leaving.”

Your presence was felt before it was seen; it would have made Hyunjin laugh if the scenery before him wasn’t as unnerved as it was. The itch he felt whenever in your presence settled itself in as a giveaway that you were near; it was strange, physically feeling the proximity of another person without quite a biological explanation for it, but a part of Hyunjin painted the thought into something utterly romantic.

You zoomed past Hyunjin, visibly shaken, emotional; the alcohol likely didn’t do you a favour tonight, either. You stood before him for a mere second, apologetic smile on your face which didn’t reach your eyes, and you kept walking, wordlessly, seemingly towards the door of the house. Hyunjin’s instincts were on high alert; you were intoxicated, if you had come with a car or not, you couldn’t possibly get behind the wheel now.

“Yeah leave then, I don’t fucking care.”

Chan walked back, into the depths of the party, back to concerned friends that all started patting his shoulder, leaning over his head to murmur reassurances. It was long after midnight, and your boyfriend wasn’t holding you back in getting home by yourself. Whether he was drunk himself or not; it baffled Hyunjin.

Said disbelief made his body react faster than his mind. Because surely, you might not be wanting to talk to him, seeing as he was the source of your argument, in one way or another; but your safety was the only subject on Hyunjin’s mind. If you wanted to see him or not, he couldn’t let you drive nor walk home by yourself. He could drive you home, call you a taxi; least he could do was stand beside you to know you reached home safe. No matter how much alcohol coursed your system, Hyunjin wouldn’t handle the matter mindlessly; in the heat of the moment and in anger you might end up making decisions that would go beyond the boundaries of your safety. Not only would Hyunjin never forgive himself for not having helped another; he would have surely beat up your asshole of a boyfriend for his carelessness.

Hyunjin hurried behind your ever dislodging figure, seeing how you made your way through the crowd, occasionally pushed by one dancing pair or two; all mumbling excuses before letting you continue towards the front door. Hyunjin was struggling himself, using elbows to shove people, not to hurt but to make way. He only called your name once you were out and in the cold – you walked without a jacket, bare arms and legs out in the chilly winter air, and Hyunjin only noticed then that his own jacket was still discarded in the entrance hall, somewhere inside the house; though he had little mind to pay to it now. You weren’t listening to his calls, continuing your way towards darkness, along suburban streets Hyunjin wasn’t sure you knew where they led to. It seemed like you were simply walking, past quiet houses, past dark houses; he could still hear the distant bass from somewhere behind him, a stark contrast to the rest of the neighbourhood. He fell into a light jog, to catch up behind you – it was a riddle to him how you were possibly walking faster than him, intoxicated and in heels. And with every step he made towards you his heart increased its pulling, its returning urge.

Eventually, he was close enough to reach your hand, an arm length away from you. You yet weren’t listening to the sound of your name; Hyunjin grew unsure if it was sheer anger and frustration or if he was the reason you didn’t turn around. He didn’t want to be, the mere thought of it set off an uneasy feeling in his gut; yet he couldn’t bear to think about the matter now. You weren’t thinking straight, clearly, and walking home at night wouldn’t do you any good. Hyunjin needed to take matters in his hands, as best as he could.

His hand stretched out, his fingers wrapped around your wrist; and he let go of you as fast as it was physically possible, not a second after. You turned around, finally acknowledging him, nothing if not shock drawing your features, mimicking Hyunjin’s own. For the feeling that stroke your bodies was one you couldn’t possibly explain with words of any language. Hyunjin has never been struck by lightning, but he’d argue that he felt the same sensation when your bodies touched, when you came skin to skin. Maybe more pleasant than electricity, but undoubtedly as powerful.

You only locked eyes, otherwise you were frozen. In place, in time. Not moving an inch of your body. If both of you had been unsure if what you had felt was inhumane; you hadn’t an ounce of doubt now. Because a feeling like this was entirely unnatural, wasn’t possible, not under biological manners. A tickling, an ich, a longing, a sensation of this gratitude wasn’t something that simply happened, that was simply felt like this; not between two bodies of two humans. A sensation that feared to knock out the breath of the other; though the word alone – sensation – would never be a big enough word, in the first place. No word would ever be for all words felt too banal for such volume of emotion and feel.

And if it wasn’t so forbidden, if the feeling, one that set off a tingling in the pit of your heart, one that ignited the embers that had only been shimmering in Hyunjin’s soul so far, if now his soul felt on fire, hot and burning, occupied by you solely – if it wasn’t so forbidden, he’d touch you again. Let shy fingertips dance against your shoulder, hold your hand and lay the palm atop his cheek. To feel if it was real at all, or if both of you had imagined something for the sake of self-sedation.But maybe you didn’t touch again, because both of you were scared. Scared that it was real; because it shouldn’t be.

@doll4hoon @iwannabangchan @hwangful @whatudowhennooneseesyou @inkybird @asters-abditory @seungminluv3 @skzddicted @marslovescats @berryblog @beautifullywrecked-aeris @moonlightcandy00 @hyynee @nightrayseishina @shrub31201 @sunny-nana @wednesdayswife @hyuneisbae @lovhyunj @ladytrbl @danyxthirstae01 @someoneinlovve @lili-kims-blog @rachagen @koorminii @good-soup3023 @shiru-chan @blahbluhblahbluh @laryisthinking @knisterlicht @studyingthemind @ppiri-bahng @septicrebel @channiesfavoritebrownie @midsoulz @foivetimesacharm @daceyena @yoonguurt @lovingeaglepeanut @hyuneyeon @therealhyunjingf @llunapastell

black font: couldn't tag

[yandere-yearnings]

DAR!!!! Thank you so much for taking time out of your day for me. I was honestly expecting an answer to atleast take a few days but just the fact that you responded so quickly already cheered me up quite a bit. And then the response is such a beautiful, heartwarming piece? You are truly heavensent. Burrowing my face in my pillows rn (in a good way)

Knowing that you yourself aren't doing well either makes me even more grateful and I do hope that being able to cheer someone else (me) up maybe helped you cheer up a little aswell. Again thank you so much for everything.

-With all the love in the world, 🦢

swan nonnie, have i ever told you how much i love and appreciate you? bc i really really do🥺🩷 i apologise that this took me a while to get to, but i wanted to be able to respond w/ a bit more of a clear head, i'm really sorry😭 know that you don't have to thank me at all, you're so important and i'm always happy to spend my time on you and all the other sweet ppl i have the pleasure of receiving asks from like this🥰

i have been really slow with replies nowadays, so it's understandable that you'd think so, honestly. i wanted to answer you as quickly as i could w/o compromising quality bc ik sometimes a wait when you're not doing well can be equally as disheartening. i usually get distracted really easily but i promised myself i wouldn't while working on that piece. i'm actually super glad to hear that the faster answer managed to cheer you up a little❗️❗️

also thank you for calling it beautiful🥺👉👈 i was worried it didn't capture the vibes that i was imagining, so that really means a lot!! i am also burrowing my face in my pillows bc you are always the absolute sweetest😩💕

actually swan nonnie, when i got this ask in my inbox and read it, it did make me smile at a point where i think i really needed to so i'm ever grateful. there's genuinely no need to thank me, bc your happiness is a gift in itself😌❤️

[animes-trash]

Servamp Secret Santa 2023

Hey hey hey Servamp fandom, guess what time is it ? That's right, the Servamp Secret Santa 2023! You'll find the form at the end of the post, but first and foremost, let me remind you the infos and few rules we have.

Important informations / rules

For those of you who never did a secret santa, here's how it works : it's basically a gift exchange online. We're not buying anything, but we're making Servamp related gifts such as fanarts or fanfics (or edits, or else, whatever you can make) and sharing them online. In the form, you write your wishlist and your no-no, and I'll communicate it to your secret santa. This is the only informations I will share, along with your username. Don't worry, your email will be kept secret.

It's a secret santa, so please don't reveal who you have (you might know them on tumblr) until the gift reveal. If you really have questions about their wishlist, you can write to me and I'll find a way to assure the communication while keeping it anonymous.

Let's talk about important dates now. The last day to sign up in November 30th ! Passed this deadline it'll be too late, which is why I'm opening the registrations early to everyone can know about it in time. Please, check out your mail inbox around December 1st. That's when I'll send you your secret santa (or maybe on the 2nd, depending on the time I have).

The last day to drop out is December 5th. Don't worry, it's okay to not be able to go through the secret santa, we all have personal lives with its problems and events. Just be sure to tell me as soon as possible so I can assign your secret santa to someone else.

The time for sharing gifts will be from December 24th to the 31th. You can give your gift at any moment during / between these days. PLEASE stay within this time period.

To avoid people being late, there was this thing that I saw on another server for fanfic writers. Basically, it was a time limit of 2,000 words (so that people don't plan too long fics then don't finish). I won't put it as a strict word limit (mostly because I wrote a 5,000 words stuff last year–), but I'm still putting it as an advice.

You can make fanarts, fanfictions, or edits. This is mostly what people do in general.

Let's use the tag "Servamp Secret Santa 2023" to share our works later. I'll also use them on all my secret santa related posts.

NO NSFW. This is a family friendly secret santa.

There is a discord server ! I encourage all participants to join (it's very useful for the gift-share there). It's also open to anyone. There is the role of "observer" if you want it. Here's the link, if you want to talk a bit with the others.

And I think I've said everything ! If you have any question, don't hesitate to ask in my inbox, by dms, or this post's comments. I'll answer as best as I can. Please, share as much as you can !

HERE IS THE LINK TO SIGN UP : https://forms.gle/m4bLbbjWQW9uHKdT8

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

you should explain it instead of mock people that have a right to be upset. explain what the writers are putting down because I'm still not seeing a valid reason why Eddie was completely almost erased from this episode.

Hey!

I've seen your other ask as well and I'm answering it here.

I did explain it and I wasn't mocking people - and if it came over that way then its because I'm fed up with my inbox filling up with anons being incredibly rude to me (and others in the fandom) - I've had over 40 anon messages since the episode started - most of them either rude or nasty. Everyone has the right to feel how they feel about things, but they don't get to come into mine and other peoples inboxes and mouth off about there unhappiness over something which I've (and others) have interpreted differently to them - they have their own feed they can post it there - just as I do - our inboxes are not here for hatred - I have no issues saying what I think for everyone to ready - using anon for nastiness is not what its there for. They clearly don't think about the mental health of those whose inboxes they go to and that is never ever ok.

I won't turn my anon because I believe in its value - some people are shy about asking questions that they worry about being silly questions and I've made mistakes in things I've posted in the past and I've had lovely people in my inbox on anon explaining to me why I've got something wrong - its allowed me to learn and be better so I will leave anon on, but is it really any surprise that lots of people turn theirs off?

But to get to the question at hand;

For starters Eddie wasn't completely erased from this episode - we saw his reaction to Buck being in a coma - he was full in crying and trying to stop himself breaking down - not once but twice. I'll go into it in my costume meta, but the fact that he only has one outfit for the whole episode (after his turnouts), despite clearly being in the hospital for several days - thats very telling to me - especially coming from a costume background!

The reason we didn't see much Eddie in the real world, or any in the coma verse is because Buck and Eddies relationship is not a familial one - as in they are not brothers, nor are they a parental figure to one another - that was the entire point of the episode - to emphasise the familial relationships and their importance to Buck (and the firefam as a whole more widely). I don't know how to explain that this episode was about family - about fathers and sons and siblings - in a different way!

The show by not including Eddie in Bucks Coma dream was very clearly saying that Eddie doesn't fit into the parameters of those boxes - that Eddie has his own box - one that is very much separate from any one else in the episode and one that Buck is not in a place to open yet. because opening that box means reckoning with romantic feelings and accepting that he's in love with his best friend. Buck needs to do a bit more work on himself before he reaches that point (and Eddie does as well actually).

Hopefully this has helped you understand more of where I'm coming from. Subtext is a very powerful tool in the writers arsenal and they are very deliberate in how they use it.