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rottenresponse · 1 year

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BURSONA MASTER POST!!

(Rottenresponse Edition) ((Will definitely be updated))

The Title basically spells it out for you, so WITHOUT FURTHER A DO HERE WE GO!

But-

I'mma put one of those read more lines because I'd hate to make someone unknowingly scroll through this whole fucking thing by accident </3

Also Also, Important Sidenote but I see all the Bursonas as Brothers (whether they be Step or directly biological), So please remember that while reading this <3

Youngest of the bunch

Twitch addict

Possibly Cupidromantic

Likes wearing YouTuber/Streamer Merch, no matter what it may be or how much it may cost

Definitely wears those Gaming Cat Ear Headsets when gaming/streaming

Made his own Twitch Channel after his favorite E-Girl dropped him from her Mod team and blocked him on all her accounts (It's a long story, we don't get into it)

Eats S'mores cereal straight out of the bag (It's a comfort food)

Would have definitely been a fucking IPad kid if he was born in today's generation

HE'S A FUCKING CREATURE!! A SILLY GUY!! A GOOBER EVEN!!

Being real for a minute, idk what kinda creature he is, but he does have cat like tendencies and he is part Phantom

The tips of his ears, fingers, etc, are blackened due to how often he'd tinker with charcoal and gunpowder when he was younger

Don't get me wrong, he still does, just not nearly as often due to how it stains his food and comfort items

SPEAKING OF COMFORT ITEMS!! THIS MF HAS TWO ✌ DOS: The Handmade flag L'manbur helped stitch into the inside of his cloak + A walkman he got as a birthday gift when he turned 16

Due to him having more apparent phantom-esk genes, Whenever his face isn't covered by the Shade over his eyes it looks a little something line this!

Trans (FtM) + Binding

Claims to not be interested in relationships, but definitely hints at having a crush on someone that none of the Burs can fully figure out for one reason or another

Middle child that is often reduced to the role of Family Babysitter

Angsty Emo Hot Topic little guy

Is the only Bur in a committed relationship with someone (TNTduo beloved)

Has scars on his face that make an upside down U with an X stitch where the bridge of his nose is (would be in the picture above)

Wears red glasses purely for the aesthetic since he broke his proscription ones a looooong ass time ago

Also insists he doesn't need his prescriptions despite being far sighted and not being able to see much past his hands after fully extending his arms in any direction

Definitely the fluffiest hair out of them all, simply due to how little he cares enough to style it

Gained his white strands due to stress despite being the second youngest

Is ferturnal twins with Ghostbur

MERCILESSLY MOCKS GHOSTBUR OUT OF ALL THE OTHER BURS, BY A LONG SHOT

Is much more Angry and Sarcastic than he is emo and bitter like Vilbur

Does, indeed, genuinely care about Ghostbur despite treating him so poorly a majority of the time

Isn't keen on showing outward affection towards his brothers no matter how they try to coax it out of him

Revivebur is the kind of brother that would leave little, small presents outside of his brother's doors or in out-of-the-way areas in their rooms as a sigh of affection

^^^^ Most commonly old poems he wrote about them, or random small gifts he bought from the store for them like sweets or stickers

Phantombur!

The Oldest Bur of the bunch

Aroace + Demiboy

Handles their finances and most of the bills like Water, Electricity, Garbage, etc

The Bur with the most noticeable Phantom appendages/attributes

Sensitive to sunlight, which is mostly why they carry an umbrella around with them a lot of the time

Occasionally uses hoods or Said Umbrella indoors, due to how overwhelming the lights can be to at times

Has taken up the role of being The Father Figure of the household, outside of L'manbur

Is the only Bur aware of what happened to their parents, and refuses to elaborate on what happened to them or lead to their disappearance.

Ghostbur!

Demiboy + Panromantic Demisexual

Has a comfort/childhood sheep plushie named 'Friend' that he takes with him everywhere in the house

The one time he took it outside, Revivebur hid it too well and caused Ghostbur to burst into tears after telling him he lost it

Revivebur was grounded for a month and they let Ghostbur choose what they had for Dinner after they found Friend again

Is technically older than Revivebur by a few minutes? But Ghostbur doesn't care, and Revivebur will MURDER HIM if he even so much as mentions it

Due to him also having more visible Phantom qualities compared to his brothers, he has the ability to turn translucent

Although, BECAUSE Of this, his skin is much more sensitive than it'd be normally

Asides from not being a big fan of certain textures and sounds, he also isn't that big of a fan of being by himself

He tries to be social, but struggles with the loud noises that come with it

Gained his love of music boxes and melodies through his brothers, but mainly L'manbur

Would beg his parents to sing him to sleep when he was younger, and occasionally asks Phantombur or ARGbur to sing him in the present

L'manbur!

Woooo Straight Cishet Ally moment <3

Second oldest Bur

He actually doesn't live in the house?? But he does come by to visit often

Plans to have a wife and a child in the future

HE ALSO HAS A PLUSHIE LIKE GHOSTBUR AND L'MANBUR WAS ACTUALLY THE GUY TO GET HIM FRIEND IN THE FIRST PLACE IBSBISBU

^^^^ L'manbur's plushie is a little fox named Fundy

Is the closest to Argbur surprisingly enough

Used to be a big music nerd back in High School, and actually makes his own music on the side between work and his other hobbies

ARGBur!

The third oldest fucker in the house

Actually ended up running away from the house at some point due to his affiliations with a certain missing person's case

Is debatably more online than Simpbur is, but Is most definitely more tech savvy

He actually ended up helping Simpbur set up his custom PC build and some other technical difficulties that he didn't know how to properly handle himself

Probably has a thing for cryptids after his time in the woods, just saying

Gay, just Gay

A big thanks to those who read this far!! I'm still definitely gonna update this with more info later because OMG IT IS SO, S O LATE GOOD GOD-

Have a good day/night broskis <3

#bursonas #alivebur #pogbur #vilbur #revivebur #ghostbur #phantombur #argbur #simpbur #incelbur #lmanbur #to be continued #headcanon #info dump

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alucior · 1 year

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people i want to get to know better

@aether-biome probably but who doesn't like more breadcrubs of small things to know about eachother :p

1. three ships:

atm its probably like Wenclair from wednesday cause they are a vibe and I'm having fun writing for them. I'm having some fun with it.

Then we also have like Smugbug but that's less of a ship more two charaters I'm lowkey obsessed with and while Lisa wouldn't be caught death in any kinda relationship they work well together. it also helps that my fave fic of this ship she spends most of the time inside of taylors head and dreams. it's kidna odd but you know, I'm obsessed so we have it at that.

and last maybe like Bellice, cause bella definantly could do better than the discoball of sadness she ended up with. and honestly Alice got two hands for her and Jasper. it be fun if bella's power also made her kinda invisible to her future vision and it can just be highjinks

2. first ever ship:

I can't really remember back to like the late 00's but I think that I started out with Fleurmione all they way back then. Even now like who doesn't like two smart as fuck witches compete and then work together later on. like also while the french on most works is just accented english but it's kinda funny so I'm also taking that.

fanfic definantly made most of that ship work as the cannon even then was rather lacking and upon reflection fucked up.

3. last song:

on my phone it would have been "Out Of The Frying Pan And Into The Fire" from the bat out of hell musical. I watched it live a couple years ago live and got nostaligc about it earlier today.

4. last movie:

I think it was like the seventh fast & furious movie, maybe the sixth. it's pretty fun if you turn off any critical thinking and just take it as they serve it.

5. currently reading:

For book it would be Gideon the 9th but I've been on that for a while and my focus doesn't seem to be allowing me to finish it but I'm trying! for fanfic it's something from ted lasso between him and Trent cause I binged that show in a week and they also live in my head now.

6. currently watching:

C3E53 of critical role, aka post-applebee solstice day two. chetney getting reaquaninted with his ex and shits still fucked on exandria.

7. currently consuming:

that, and also like hermitcraft content from a couple of the folk there, including cleo's feverdream of a limited life episode which was quite fun. and like a couple podcasts cause they release on monday instead of wednesday like all the other ones for some reason.

8. currently craving:

pizza, like on a deep level I want to put a billion slices in my mouth. or like any bread in a warm form with some cheese like give it to me I'mma eat it all.

tagging @wolf-thecontradictorysentence (cause to be honest your pfp made me aware of gideon in the first place and opend up the internet to some wild shit that is entertaining as fuck) @always-undermining (dog! they seem nice) and @shut-up-cupcake (still reminds me of carmilla and that was a good time)

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nalu4emily · 4 years

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Nure-Onna

Hello!

So I wanted to write a story based on chapter 74 of FT 100YQ. Mostly, I was happy with it, but I wanted to make it even more Nalu, and this was the result.

Yes, I am aware that this wouldn't actually happen, but it's fun to write up something that diverges from canon just a little, that's what fanfiction is for, so indulge me.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and if not, you can always read the real thing. :)

Summary: With Lucy as the newly created Yokai - Nure-Onna - How is Natsu going to handle her snake like form and find a way to bring her back to him in one piece?

"It… hurts… But it feels so good…" He was being crushed between Lucy's sizeable chest, wrapped up in a crushing hold by her tail… "Hold on! You… Your legs! What's wrong with your body?!" He freaked, catching sight of the scaly snake like tail that held a vice-like grip around his body, making it hard for him to breathe.

As he stared into her eyes, he could no longer see those beautiful big brown orbs that once held so much love and care for others, now they were slitted and golden, almost predatory and followed his every move. Her face held nothing of the Lucy that once was, only the monster that she had become—what those witches had turned her into. He squirmed, tried to wriggle free which only made her coil tighter, a sickening smile adorning her cheeks. She was enjoying his struggle.

"Dammit! How's she so strong?!" He grunted, trying his hardest to fight against her bone breaking grip.

The nure-onna chuckled lightly, bringing her face slowly closer to the man in her hold, "Natsu." She called, her voice taunting, laced with darkness. Natsu could do nothing but stare, sweat dripping down his face as the sexy, snake girls lips were practically on top of him, gliding smoothly over his skin. "I'm gonna eat you up." She growled, licking her lips, the heat of her mouth fanned across his, giving him goosebumps. She opened it further, allowing her slippery tongue to glide over his cheek, causing a gasp and yelp to escape him.

This wasn't like Lucy; she would never be so… snaky, "Hey! You gotta change back, Lucy!" He was desperate now; he didn't want to see any more of this.

"Could you not talk so loudly into my chest?" Her tail unravelled from around the boys body and stuck the end of it straight into his mouth and down his throat, choking him. Without warning, she grabbed him around the middle and threw his body up into the air, before slamming him down onto the ground.

"Aargh! Damn, Lucy, that hurt!" He grunted, straightening himself back up, balling his hands into fists, brows furrowing as if battling his own internal conflict.

"But I thought you said it felt good when it hurt?" She chuckled lowly, licking her lips once again as she circled the boy, waiting for the right moment to strike. "Maybe I'll show you just how much I'd like to hurt you!"

"This isn't like you! Snap out of it!" He raised his voice, like he was trying to call to the other Lucy—his Lucy. "I don't wanna have to fight you, but I will if I gotta…" He lowered his voice, adorning a battle stance as he challenged the Lucy looking monster before him.

"Bad choice, Natsu... Now, you're mine!" She launched forward before the boy could even see what was happening and shoved him down into the ground again, coiling the end of her tail around his neck and dragged him up into the air. She approached the gasping young man, another small laugh rumbling through her chest. "You look tasty." Using her strong appendage she brought him back to her face, an evil glint in her golden irises that told him she'd won this before it even began.

He felt trapped, he didn't want to fight her but also felt like he had no choice, if he waited much longer, he'd be a goner for sure. Whilst she was distracted, he lifted his fist to the top of her tail and raised the temperature in it. She gasped and looked down, a fiery hand sizzling her scales, enough to scare her off and retreat but not enough to burn her.

Natsu dropped to the floor, coughing and spluttering, trying to refill his lungs of lost breath. He managed to stand up once again, a pained expression with hands encased in fire, ready and waiting.

"I'm mad now snake-Lucy." He leapt at her, fist drawn back about to strike her head on when he stopped.

"Natsu! Stop! It's me!" Lucy held up her arms in front of her face, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, "Natsu!"

His own eyes widened. A moment of hesitation; a moment of hope.

Had she returned to him?

Giving her the opening she needed, she used the water to swirl around him, trapping him in her spell. She cackled, "You fell for it!" Slithering over to the boy, she forced him against the rock and used her newly found strength to hold him there, nearly breaking his back in the process. He groaned in pain. "What part should I devour first?"

Stuck in place, partially submerged under the water and unable to use his magic, he simply watched her ogle his body, using her hands to squeeze his muscular form, salivating by the feel of his muscles in her palms.

"Lucy… Please… I don't want to hurt you!" He grunted through the stinging of his skin scraping against the sharp rock behind him.

"Hurt me? Oh, Natsu... Do you not see yourself? With you as my opponent, I'd already won." She licked across his jaw and down to the scar on his neck, sucking on it harshly enough to bruise. "You're my prey and I'm going to savour every last inch of your hot body."

Sweat began beading across his face again, gritting his teeth through the discomfort of Lucy's mouth pulling and tugging on areas he hadn't known were so sensitive until now. In any other circumstance, this would have been quite the turn on. Nights had gone by where he'd dreamt of Lucy doing this to him, to feel her sweet mouth on his...

His eyes grew wide as an idea slowly formed in his head. That was it! The perfect way to win! To use her new found dominance against her. And he'd be lying if the thought wasn't a little exciting, even in her snake form. He just hoped she wouldn't remember when she finally returned to normal, for her own sake.

As she grazed over his nipple, a small hum of satisfaction rumbled through his chest, catching the snakes attention. "Hmm… You seem to like my touch." She said, gripping hold of the erect bud once again and twisting it this time. "How about that? You like that, too?"

He winced and hissed as she continued her sweet torture on his now sore nipple, but remained quiet nonetheless. As hard as it was not to moan from the pleasurable soreness, he needed to see if she'd take the bait and let down her guard.

Just as planned, the man eating serpent did just that. Pressing her mouth to the sore area and grazing it with her teeth. She eyed the boy above her, revelling in the contorted expressions he pulled, all the while becoming more and more distracted from her main goal—which he assumed was to devour him.

As he endured Lucy's heavenly mouth bite and suck his skin, Natsu held down his small victory as her grip began to slacken, giving him more and more freedom to move. Just as her tongue was about to lick over his lips, his teeth unexpectedly snapped at the wet muscle and bit down on it, causing her to yelp and jerk backwards, freeing him. He smirked, bringing his newly liberated hands up and encased the back of her head with them, holding her in place.

"You've had your fun, Snake-Lucy, but now it's my turn!" He growled, raising the temperature around them, slowly evaporating the water she'd created.

Hissing at the boy, the snake attempted to escape, yanking and pulling at his arms but his grip was unyielding. Stinging her scales with his heat, she struggled, not liking how the tables had turned in his favour.

"Natsu! It's burning! Natsu, please, you wouldn't hurt me, not your Lucy!" She screamed in a panic, writhing under the intense heat of his body.

He feigned sympathy, a worried look luring her into a false sense of security. He pulled her close, his hands cupping her clammy cheeks, "You think I'd fall for that again?" He smirked, brushing his lips up against hers.

He could hear the voice of one of Selene's minions, giving away just which of those bitches did this to Lucy, "Huh… I was sure she'd beat him! No matter, she was one of the weakest Yokai in my arsenal anyway."

"Weakest, you say?" Natsu may have been looking into Lucy's eyes as he spoke, but he was addressing the one he'd just made his next target, "If you knew Lucy, then you'd realise she's not weak."

"Of course she is! My Yokai would never humiliate me by losing!" Youko's voice was laced with disgust for the nure-onna she had created. "How pathetic!"

"Why you-"

"It seems it's true…" Lucy's voice cut through, a soft whimper as she stopped her struggle, her forlorn expression pulling at Natsu's heartstrings. It was the face of a girl who was giving up. Her eyes shone with the water droplets that were yet to fall, her irises flittering between golden and brown.

"Nothin' that thing says is true, Lucy, don't listen to her!" Natsu tried to make her see reason; to talk some sense into the girl who'd been turned into a monster.

"Even as a Yokai with all the magic power of Elentir, I'm still so weak." A lone tear fell from her eyes and Natsu knew with a little push, Lucy—human Lucy—just might come back to him. "Do what you must, I've no place as a human or Yokai…"

Natsu stared in shock; she was just going to except her fate? To give up? This wasn't like her—this wasn't her and there lay the problem. "Lucy, don't you dare give up, you're stronger than this… Than them up there. What they've done to you is unforgivable, and I'mma be sure to make 'em all pay, but first you gotta come back to me." In the deepest depths of those golden slits, he could see that his best friend was still in there trying to reach out to him. He knew she was, all she needed was that extra bit of encouragement.

"See! I told you, worthless! I should have just killed her and saved everyone the trouble." Youko laughed maniacally, spurring her comrades to cheer and laugh too.

"She's right, I'm just a burden not worth your time, just end this already, I'm tired of waiting." Snake-Lucy let more tears fall in her frustration, her thoughts conflicted and her heart in pieces.

"Fine, I'll end this." Natsu grabbed a hold of her cheeks and brought her face to his, welding their lips together in a fierce and heated embrace.

At first the nure-onna fought against it, but the longer he held on, the less she resisted until she all but melted into it, eventually responding to his inexperienced but determined ministrations. Their mouths danced in a steady rhythm with their tongues interloping, albeit, a little awkwardly.

Natsu fought to show just how much she mattered to him, to show her place in his heart and how deeply he cared for the Lucy that'd always been by his side. He loved her, there was no doubt about that and when they finally pulled apart, he looked deep into her eyes and smiled at what he saw. Those beautiful big brown orbs that shone with the love and care she had for everybody, even her enemies, had returned.

There she was—his Lucy—in all her two legged, naked, glory.

"But that's impossible! I turned her into a Yokai; how did she manage to change back so easily?!" Youko shouted, but neither Natsu nor Lucy took any notice, too entranced in each other.

"Natsu…" The blonde whispered, bringing her hand up to his face to caress his cheek, a small smile adorning her features, "Thank you."

And with that, her eyes closed shut; her body falling limp in his arms. Totally exhausted and her magic spent, the relieved slayer laid her on the ground, hidden from view trying to cover as much of her nakedness as possible. Once satisfied nothing would run into her whilst she slept, he stood back up, his eyes covered by his hair and spoke now directly to the women on top of the mountain.

"I hope you realise now, attacking my friends was a big mistake! Not only are they strong but we share a bond that'll never be broken by the likes of you." Natsu ignited his entire body, his eyes grew serious and angry.

Youko, still shocked by what'd just happened, felt a little fearful of the boy surrounded by flames; maybe they'd underestimated their opponents?

"I hope you're ready, 'cause I'm coming for ya and I won't stop until I see you all burn!"

#Nalu #fairy tail nalu #nalu fanfic #nalu fanfiction #Natsu and Lucy #natsu x lucy #natsu dragneel #lucy heartfilia #natsu lucy #fairy tail #fairytail #fairy tail fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction writing #fairy tail 100 year quest #fairy tail 100 years quest

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delaber · 4 years

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Can’t Have Your Cake and Another Cake Too

Rafael Casal x Reader

Note: Okay, I’ll stop breaking Rafa’s heart now... Last time, I swear! Thanks for the prompts to these lovely anons. Alhough this is not a prequel to Poetic Justice (Rafa x ER Nurse), poor Rafa’s facing some of the same issues. I very loosely based this story on J. Cole’s Kevin’s Heart (don’t know why I’m always incorporating J. Cole into my fics, but apparently he’s always lurking in the back of my mind) and Phlake’s So Faded. Let me know what you think!

Words: 4.7K

Warnings: Cocaine addiction! Does not have a happy ending (nobody ODs and nobody’s dying ...Only on the inside lol)

Tagging: No one! This might not be for everybody and I don’t want anybody to feel forced to read it 😌

It was supposed to be a great night out. The entire gang was there, and at the instigation of Diggs, Rafa was supposed to be on the prowl to get laid so he could take his mind off of his broken heart.

From his seat in the booth, Rafa had a fairly good view of the dance floor and he had already spotted a few honeys who likewise had acknowledged him by smiling and sending him a couple of long looks. One of them had even twirled her hair between her fingers while blowing him a kiss. He had the green light, all systems were go!

However, of all the things that could've thrown him off his game, Rafa would not have placed a single bet on a phone call. But the minute he pulled out his vibrating phone and checked the caller ID, both the group of honeys on the dance floor and his friends occupying the seats all around him were completely forgotten. Nothing else mattered anymore.

He stared at the screen for a while, reading the name over and over again. What the fuck was Morris calling him for? Rafa had told him to stop. Morris knew he was too weak to say no even though he had promised his girl that he'd stop for good.

...Or, you weren't his girl. Not anymore.

But Rafa was still determined to win you back no matter if you had stopped answering his phone calls or not, so he took a tough decision and pressed the decline button beneath Morris' name. He even contemplated putting his phone on flight-mode to remove all unwelcome temptations - he knew you'd never take him back if he fell back in - yet, for some reason taking himself off the grid was easier said than done, and before he had pulled himself together to actually press the little airplane button, a text from Morris had ticked in. It only consisted of two words but Rafa understood perfectly.

'New candy.'

Fuck... Rafa considered the pros and cons of accepting for a few milliseconds before he came to his senses. No, no, no. The only way he'd ever win you back would be by showing you that he could stay sober even after your break-up. Morris could fuck off! As if awaking from a trance, Rafa hurriedly put his phone back in his pocket and desperately tried to forget about Morris' enticing offer by telling himself that he was strong enough to shake it.

...although deep down, he was aware that it was already too late. That no matter what, he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it now. And no matter how hard he tried to re-focus on the honeys on the dance floor and tell himself how stupid it was to hit Morris up, it was no use, the damage was done; he was desperate to get high!

Deeply, horribly ashamed of himself, Rafa texted Morris the address of the club and impatiently waited a couple of minutes before he walked outside with heavy footsteps. It felt as if he was walking to the gallows, the shame eating him up from the inside. You'd be so disappointed in him!

However, in order to make himself accept what he was about to do, he reminded himself that apparently, you didn't care if he was high or not. If you did, you would've returned his phone calls, and you would've reacted to the fact that he had been sober for three weeks now - but you hadn't. And with that in mind, Rafa managed to push away most of the shame as he laid eyes on Morris' sketchy Subaru parked by the curb on the other side of the road. He walked across the street with determined footsteps, carefully looking over his shoulder to check if anybody he knew were watching him approach what was clearly a dealer's car.

"What's up, bruh!" Morris called as he rolled down his window. He was wearing sunglasses, looking like an absolute turd in the dark night.

Rafa put his arms on the car's beltline and shot Morris a bro handshake through the open window, "what the fuck are you wearing sunglasses at night for? You look like a dick."

"Nah, man, it looks cool," Morris laughed, "do you like them? Hell, you should like them - you paid for them."

"What do you mean I paid for them?"

"With the amount of money you spend in my shop, I think it's safe to assume that you paid for these sunglasses and the rims on the ride too," Morris snorted.

"Yeah, about that," Rafa looked away, the embarrassment slowly creeping up his spine again, "you gotta stop calling me."

"You said that last time as well but look at you now," Morris laughed.

"Come on man, it's important that I stop."

"You don't wanna stop though."

Rafa let out a sigh, "look, I'm trying to prove something to my girlf- ...ex-girlfriend."

"A'ight, I respect that," Morris nodded slowly but then he quickly continued, "so did you just call me here to pin your lady troubles on me? Cause I have a customer waiting up on Seventh Ave."

Rafa blew out some air, embarrassed by the decision he was about to make.

"...Or do you wanna buy?" Morris continued as he read Rafa's body language.

"...you're not gonna tell Diggs are you?"

"Do I look like a fucking snitch?" Morris looked offended, "and you know me and Diggs don't talk no more."

"Yeah, alright. This stays between us, okay? If word gets out, I'm fucked."

"A'ight bruh," Morris laughed, "Now, how much do you need?"

"Just... just give me an eightball," Rafa mumbled.

Morris let out a small laugh, "an eightball? Man, you're not about to quit," he chuckled and handed Rafa a zip-lock bag with white powder in it.

"Shut up," Rafa mumbled and pocketed the baggie, "how much?"

"Rafa, you're my man, so I'mma give you a discount because I feel bad for you and your girl. Three hundo."

"Three hundred?! Last time it was two-eighty without the discount."

"Times are changing. I haven't seen you in three weeks, man. Plus, this is a good batch," Morris poked Rafa in the chest, "my contact got it shipped in directly from Medellín. Look, it got fish scale and everything!"

"You better not fuck me over," Rafa muttered and threw Morris three hundred-dollar bills before he turned away from him with an annoyed huff.

"Pleasure doing business as always, Casal! See you next weekend!" Morris yelled after Rafa with a small laugh, apparently not a care in the world for who knew about their illegal transaction.

"Fucking idiot," Rafa muttered to himself without turning around. He had more important things to do than to scold Morris about his indiscretion.

Rafa hurried to the restroom and carefully locked the door behind him before he frantically pulled out the zip-lock bag. He examined its contents and saw the pearl-like surface that Morris had talked about - Fuck it looked good! He opened the bag carefully but froze when he caught his own reflection in the bathroom mirror; the loving look he was sending the bag of coke was sickening. It made his stomach plummet. Had he really been reduced to snorting coke alone in a dirty bathroom of a sketchy club? He remembered when it had been a group activity. Before he couldn't control it.

Shake it off! He told himself. He had every intention of stopping after tonight. This would be the last time.

You said that last time as well, a small voice rang in the back of his head, but he ignored his guilty conscience and instead poured out a small pile of the pearl-like coke on top of the hand dryer. Quickly, he pulled out a random card from his wallet and used it to form two heavy lines. Before his guilty conscience could interfere again, he also grabbed a one-dollar bill that he neatly rolled into a small tube and put between his right nostril and one of the white lines, ready for the rush. His gaze, however, lingered on the random card he had used to break the coke into lines; it was his fucking rewards card for the small organic, artisan shit coffee house that you liked. What wouldn't you say if you knew what he was doing? In his mind's eye, he could see the disappointed look you always sent him whenever he'd come home all hyped up, rambling his mouth off. You never got angry with him and his love of coke, but somehow your disappointed demeanour was way worse. He would've taken screaming and yelling over the disappointed stare and the slow shake of your head any day.

Slowly, he removed the dollar-bill from his nostril, stood up straight and met his own eyes in the mirror again - and for a moment, he could truly see how pathetic he was. What the hell was he doing? He was throwing away his last shot at getting you back - and for what? A few hours of euphoria and confidence?

But she doesn't want you back, a small voice rang inside his head, you called, and you called, and you called. You declared yourself clean to her voicemail and she still didn't reach out. Fuck her!

"Yeah, fuck her," Rafa mumbled before he put the dollar-bill back to his nostril. Quickly, he snorted both lines of coke, shooting his head back afterwards, sniffling a bit as he cleaned his nose with the back of his hand. He knew he only had a couple of minutes before the euphoria kicked in, so he quickly brushed off the dollar-bill and the rewards card and tugged them both back in his wallet. The remainder of the coke was stowed away in his shirt's breast pocket for safe keeping.

Ready for the rush, Rafa was impatiently staring at himself in the mirror. He was thinking about how to avoid Diggs and his condescending looks for the duration of his high, when he was finally overwhelmed by the familiar fuzzy feeling. It came out of nowhere and started behind his eyeballs and continued all the way down to his toenails. It felt as if someone had pulled a large, fluffy blanket down over him, and it was slowly heating up his body, making him feel safe and secure. His pulse quickened in time with his breathing, and he had to close his eyes to get himself under control. He felt fucking powerful! Morris had not lied about this coming from a good batch. "Shit, Morris," he laughed.

There was a knock on the door, and Rafa remembered that he had occupied the men's room for a good five minutes now. He took a last look at his suddenly hazed eyes, aware that no matter how hard he tried to hide it, anyone could see that he was high as a kite. He contemplated riding out his high alone in the bathroom but also knew that with the amount of energy present in his body, he couldn't stay in the small restroom all night. He had to dance! To fuck! To fight!

With a suddenly confident bounce in his step, he opened the door, and sent the guy in line what he hoped was an apologetic nod before he confidently strode towards the honeys on the dance floor.

"Hey Rafa!" he heard someone yell behind him.

Hoping it was someone who wanted to fight, Rafa quickly turned around but was slightly disappointed to see Diggs coming towards him with a huge grin on his face. Shit! Rafa realised that he had to act nonchalant around his best friend. Diggs absolutely couldn't know about the coke in his breast pocket, or he'd be all up in Rafa's face about it.

"Diiiiiggs! My man!" Rafa yelled overly excited, clearly very, very high.

Diggs shot him a look at his weird behaviour before he continued, "where've you been, man? I've been looking for you everywhere."

"R-r-r-r-r-r-r-rrrrrrrestroom," Rafa laughed, he was too happy to pretend otherwise.

"Why are you saying it like th-" the huge grin was slowly slipping from Diggs' face, "...hey, Rafa - look at me," Diggs suddenly sounded all serious as he took Rafa's face in his hands, carefully examining his features, "Rafa, look at me."

Rafa let out a low chuckle, "Diggs, you know I think you're handsome and all that, but I don't like you that way," he joked.

"You're being weird," Diggs furrowed his eyebrows, "- and your pupils are huge. Have you been doing lines in the bathroom?"

"Maybe," Rafa laughed, unable to stop himself from revealing his dirty little secret, "why? You want some? I still have a few hits left," he padded his breast pocket.

"You know I don't do that shit anymore..." Diggs let go of Rafa with a sigh and looked away from him.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you're a fucking saint now," Rafa said a bit more harshly than he had intended to. Ever since Diggs had met Emmy, he had been boring as hell.

Diggs chose not to comment on Rafa's low blow, and managed to keep his calm, "I thought you'd stopped, bruh."

"Morris made me an offer I couldn't refuse," Rafa laughed in an accent halfway between Tony Montana and Vito Corleone.

"Yeah well, I'm not the only one who thought you were done fucking around," Diggs said seriously. He was having none of Rafa's jokes, "I just saw your girl downstairs. She wants to talk to you."

It took a few seconds before Rafa understood, but when he finally grasped Diggs' words, he felt the blood drain from his face and his mouth run dry, "what? No, you're kidding me..."

"Nope," Diggs sighed, "I've been running around trying to find you for fifteen minutes..."

"Shit! What the fuck do I do?" Rafa said in a panicked voice, licking his lips frantically, "I told her I was sober! If she sees me like this, she'll never take me back."

"Yeah, well you better pray that you don't run into her."

Rafa ran his hand through his hair, "fuck I'm screwed. She's downstairs?"

"Was fifteen minutes ago."

"Alright, I'm jumping out this window. You stall her, tell her that I got sick or something."

"You can't jump out this window?" Diggs said incredulously, "we're 50 feet up, if you do that, you die! Just walk out the doo- ...oh shit, dude, we're blown. She's here. She's coming over."

"Fuck! Can I still bolt?"

"Of course not!"

"Well how do I look? Alright?"

"You look-" Diggs cut himself off, "...maybe just try and avoid her looking into your eyes, okay?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to do that?"

"The light in here's paying you a favour but apart from that you're gonna have to pull yourself together. You brought this upon yourself," Diggs said harshly before his demeanour changed completely as his eyes interlocked with yours over Rafa's shoulder, "heeeeey," he smiled broadly, "look who I found."

Rafa slowly turned around and met you. Your stunning beauty - as always - immediately knocking him to the ground. He couldn't believe that it had been four weeks since the last time he'd seen you. He'd do anything to get you back!

"Rafa," you nodded formally with a stiff face. Rafa couldn't help but make a mental note on how weird it was to see you without a smile on your lips. You were normally always so happy. He had done this, he reminded himself.

"Hey baby," he whispered, the words weirdly familiar in his throat.

You briefly raised your eyebrows while looking away from him, clearly uncomfortable by the sound of your old pet name.

"Sorry," he continued, "force of habit. ...I'm just happy to see you."

Your gaze slowly found his face, and Rafa prayed that you couldn't see his coke-eyes from where you were standing.

"Well..." you said and clicked your tongue, "I'd like to talk to you."

"I'd like to talk to you too," Rafa said quietly.

"And you're sober? Like you said on my voicemail?"

"Yes," Rafa breathed, "completely sober," he lied thickly, hyper-aware of how awkward it was with Diggs shuffling nervously beside him. He was uncomfortably rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"Good," you finally let out a small smile, "do you want to sit down?"

"Yeah," Rafa nodded.

"Yeah, I'll - uh - I'll leave you to it," Diggs cleared his throat and padded Rafa between the shoulder blades as a way of wishing him good luck.

"Thanks man," Rafa muttered before he followed you down to a vacant booth in the corner of the room. Instead of sitting down opposite you, he made sure to occupy the seat next to you, hoping that it would minimise the risk of you looking into his eyes. He just had to pretend that he was sober until the high quieted down. Fourty-five more minutes - Less if he was lucky.

"So, how've you been?" You said quietly as you were both overlooking the dance floor, avoiding looking directly at each other.

"Not good," Rafa said quietly, "like shit, actually... how about you?"

"Yeah, well I guess 'shit' sums it up neatly... How's sober life?"

"Oh, it's - yeah - it's - it's great!" He said, the lie thick in his throat, "I feel so much better now." He knew how much he had hurt you, and he knew how difficult it must be for you to face him after you'd said that you never wanted to see him again - which just really only made his lying so much worse. Fuck, how he hated himself for what he had done. What he was still doing.

Your eyes darted across his face before your gaze settled on a spot just below his chin. He was relieved that you weren't staring him square in the eyes. "I was so happy to hear your voicemail," you whispered, "you really flushed your stash?"

"Yes," he croaked.

"I'm glad that you're finally taking care of yourself," he couldn't make out your face in the dark but he could hear a hint of happiness to your voice that you were clearly trying to suppress. It made him feel horrible.

"Yeah, I want to stay sober for you," he said slowly. At least that wasn't a lie.

"You have no idea how happy that makes me," you said quietly, the happiness definitely shining through now.

Rafa's heart was fluttering in his chest, and he felt the coke-induced euphoria run amok in his brain, "...does that mean you'll forgive me?" All his senses were heightened.

"It's a step in the right direction" you said quietly, still not looking directly at him, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too baby," Rafa said quietly and boldly took your hand in his.

Finally, you looked up at him, and to avoid you noticing his bloodshot eyes with the dilated pupils, he took a quick decision, leaned in and crashed his lips against yours.

Luckily, you mistook his desperation for passion and fiercely kissed him back, your hand releasing itself from his, and instead caressing his neck. In-between kisses you managed to mumble, "I'm still... mad... at you."

"I know," Rafa mumbled, enjoying the familiar feeling of your lips against his. Your hands switched to caressing his torso, and your small fingers travelled over his stomach and up his chest, coming to a halt over his heart. It was racing against his ribcage and he had no idea whether it was due to the coke or due to the heap of emotions he felt in his chest. He couldn't believe he was kissing you again. He had completely written it off no more than half an hour ago.

Your right hand moved away from his heart but came to a sudden halt when you felt a small bump in Rafa's breast pocket. Still kissing him, you ran your fingers over the bump a few times before you remembered that it was where he always kept his coke. Quickly, you pulled your lips away from his.

"Wait, no, don't take kissing away from me," he hummed, completely unaware of the discovery you'd just done.

You were looking at his euphoric face with the closed eyes and the swollen lips as you moved your hand over his breast pocket once more.

When Rafa realised what was going on his eyes flew open and he spluttered, "it isn't what you think!"

But he was too slow to react, and before he had had the chance to move away, your fingers went inside his breast pocket and grabbed the small bag from there. "You've got to be kidding me!" You said angrily as you held his coke between your fingertips.

"Baby, I can explain," Rafa said quickly while desperately grabbing your wrist.

"Rafa, you fucking idiot! Don't touch me!" You wrestled yourself out of his grip, got up from your seat, and fast-paced towards the door.

"Baby! Baby!" Rafa yelled out as he ran after you.

"Don't touch me!" You cried, attracting the attention of everyone in your path.

You stormed out the door, Rafa at your heel desperately clinging to every inch of you that he could reach. When you reached the curb outside, he finally managed to run up in front of you, stopping you in your tracks, "baby, I can explain!" He said desperately.

"You said you'd flushed it all!" You were screaming at him now, the tears running down your face.

"It was a mistake, baby, I swear I didn't mean to. I flushed it all, I promise. It's just a setback."

"When did you buy this, Rafa?" You said through gritted teeth, "how long did you manage to stay sober before you decided you wanted to throw it all away?"

Rafa looked away from you, he was so embarrassed by himself, "Morris called and I tried to say no, I really did! Baby, I tried so hard to resist it. But he was persistent."

"Well, did he force you to buy?" You hissed. You were having none of his excuses.

"...No." Rafa admitted.

"When did you buy it?" You emphasised every word, "before or after you called me last weekend?"

"After..."

"When? How long after? When did you have your setback?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes! I need to know if you did it because you were physically craving it, because you just felt like getting high, or if you did it because you’d thrown the thought of us away when I didn’t answer you.”

"I tried to fight it, I swear I tried to fight it," he was getting choked up.

"Rafa, tell me when you bought it."

He considered shooting you a lie but he didn't want to fuck up any more. "I bought it tonight..." he finally muttered under his breath, avoiding your gaze.

"You're not serious!! You bought it tonight?" You bellowed, "are you trying to tell me that you planned on throwing away your soberness tonight? That if I hadn't shown up, you'd be high as balls right now?"

Rafa didn't say anything, he just looked at you with huge eyes, the embarrassment evident on his face - and first then did you notice his blood-shot eyeballs with the abnormally large pupils that had taken over most of the green that was normally present.

"No..." you whispered when you realised, "no, no, no..." you groaned quietly, clutching your chest, "you're high right now?" The heartbreak was evident in your voice.

Rafa sent you a pained look. He fucking hated himself.

"You're high..." You stated in a whisper, the tears were streaming down your face, "you lied."

He had broken your heart. Again.

"I - I didn't mean to," he croaked, "I was just so happy to see you. I knew you wouldn't want to talk to me if I told you the truth."

"So you planned on telling me when?"

"I don't know," he croaked, "I didn't think it through. I've been sober for three weeks. Tonight's just a small setback. Baby, I swear, I'll block Morris and I'll flush this baggie right now if I can just get you back," Rafa was begging, “I’ll stop if you tell me to!”

"Rafa, how many times do I have to tell you," you cried, "You have to stop because you want to. Not because I tell you to stop! I don't care about the snorting! I don't care that you party and get high! You've done lines of my tits several times for God's sake! But I can't live with the constant lying that has become part of it!"

Fuck, Rafa knew what you were building to. His life's biggest mistake. He had it coming, he knew it. He deserved it. He was a fucking cheating coke-head and he hated it. "Please don't bring it up," he sobbed.

You didn't listen to him. You had to confront him with it because he clearly hadn't understood. "Rafa, you fucked another girl! And you were so high that you didn't even realise it! And when you woke up the next day and saw what you'd done, you lied about your whereabouts and the fact that you'd been high as fuck! I had to learn about it through her!" You were sobbing, "...and instead of staying home and comforting me, you lied about having to go to the studio, and you met up with Morris and you got high! Again! If knowing that you're breaking my heart with your constant lies doesn't make you want to quit, I'm not sure what will."

"I want to stop!" he sobbed. He had never felt so horrible before, "I love you, I want to be with you," he sniffled and took your hand, "please give me another chance! I'll stop snorting. I'll stop lying. I'll do anything for you."

It looked as if you were contemplating his words but the look in your eyes darkened suddenly and you let out a whisper, "no Rafa!" as you pulled your hand away from his.

"Baby, please!" He pleaded desperately, "I love you."

"You love coke more," you whispered.

"I have a problem," Rafa tried desperately, "I know. I can't stop. But I'll get help. I'll do whatever you want me to do!"

"Rafa, if you stop snorting because I tell you to stop, it will never last! You love getting high!"

"That's not true... it's pathetic," he cried.

"Rafa, honey,” you said quietly, “- ask yourself this; would you be throwing away this baggie and deleting Morris' number if I wasn't leaving you because of it?"

"Yes," he croaked immediately.

You took a deep breath of air, hurt written all over your face, "Love," you sighed desperately as a fresh wave of tears started streaming down your face, "you're lying again..." you sobbed, and put the baggie in the palm of his hand and folded his fingers around it.

"I'm flushing it," he croaked.

"Do whatever you want," you whispered and looked him in the eye, "We're not together anymore. I'm done - it's over,” you said as you slowly turned around and started walking away from him.

“No, no, no! Please come back!”

“No Rafa… This time I'm serious,” you said before you started walking again.

This time, Rafa didn't run after you. He just watched you walk further and further away from him as your hands dried the tears off of your face every two seconds. He imagined you stopping, imagined the hurt look you'd send him. How he'd run over to you and take you in his arms. Imagined how he'd apologise and you'd both hug and cry and kiss it out. But you didn't stop. You didn't send him any look at all. And he didn’t run to you, he was glued to the pavement.

He stood as if frozen in time and looked after you even long after you'd disappeared around the corner. Suddenly, however, he noticed that he was still clutching the baggie in his closed fist. Slowly, he opened the palm to reveal the beautiful mother-of-pearl-coloured powder. He contemplated dropping it down the gutter next to him. It would all be so easy.

But instead, he closed his fingers around it and pocketed it right above his broken heart. It would help relieve the terrible thunder that he felt rolling over him. It brought along a storm of emotions. A hurricane of regrets. And he was desperate to get high.

#rafael casal x reader #rafael casal #daveed diggs #blindspotting #rafael casal imagine #rafael casal fanfiction #bay boys #heartbreak #drug addiction #please don't hate me lol

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artificialqueens · 3 years

Text

A Series Of Mutual Feelings, 1/3 (Scarjah) - Pazinae

chapter 1: i hate u (and the feelings mutual)

Chapter Summary: Ra'jah is determined to have a fresh start and be a better person, now enrolled as a first year fashion school student- but Scarlet has a way of always making her newfound plans falter. With a rocky high school history, the (not so) fortuitous pair endure some mutual hatred

A/N: enemies 2 luvers scarjah everyone xoxo meant to be a oneshot, but got a little carried away n my doc for this is currently 19 pages long ahaha so to be more palatable it will be a 4 chapter story (its says 3, but you'll see). this one is mainly the intro for the story to understand where they're at emotionally in the present, and is mostly ra'jah centric on her growth + kylie friendship fluff bc theyre the cutest, and a bit of scarlet pov. feedback super super welcome, enjoy !!!

***

Scarlet strode down the hall with a sway in her hips, her heels clacking on the laminate floor. What kind of tacky ass bitch wears heels to school anyways? Ra'jah scoffed internally, watched the girl saunter like she's on a tightrope, each tantalizing step brought her foot exactly in front of the other. Her body fell into a rhythm, stomping the fucking campus like a lion stalking the jungle for the sheer fun of watching it’s prey scamper. Scarlet's bouncing skirt, her signature grin and luscious ginger curls sprouting out her scalp made her gag. And not in the stunning way. Just as quickly as she came she was gone, and, to be fair, she was just another girl sandwiched in the masses just getting to where she’s going. But she could pluck that arrogant little redhead bitch out of any crowd. Not a conscious choice of course, hell, being reminded of her sheer presence causes a battle of trying not to roll her eyes behind her skull. She can't help that she sees her. Not when Scarlet's lips are painted the same shade of bold crimson as the tight, sleeveless top she's wearing, like a fresh drop of blood in a sea of grey clad bodies swimming around in their hoodies.

This isn't high school anymore Ra'jah. A repetitive reminder that needs to be said evermore until it's understood at her core. Because It's different now, she knows that- it has to be. No fucking way are her dreams going to get caught up in everything again, they're too big to be put at stake. She can't live just to be like that again, and this time she's too grown to waste her time on useless people. High school was a bubble, a 4 year trance that she's left and is more than ready to forget about.

"Hey, Ra'jah!" That southern, velvety voice could only belong to one stunning woman. She turned around to spot her speed walking to catch up.

"Aye! Kylie!" Ra'jah stopped and gave a little wave as Kylie approached, her highlight shining even in the shitty indoor light. The two moved over to the side of the hall, and leaned against the wall. "If it isn't Miss Kylie Sonique Love," With such a pleasing name, Ra'jah doesn't think she will, or, really can ever get tired of saying the other girl's name. "What's up?"

"Nothin', just tired as fuck," It's kinda cute, the way her accent gets stronger when she's grumpy. "I'mma pass out at some point, I did not get enough sleep." Even as a grumble her voice is so soft and angelic, Ra'jah could probably fall asleep to the blonde reading true crime murder stories.

"Goddamn, it sure as hell doesn't show!" Which is true, Kylie was as effervescent as always, any visible messy hair from under her beanie looked intentional. Even in her oversized t-shirt and shorts, there was an undeniable, captivating charm about her that made it impossible for her to look bad "You look gorgeous girl"

"Awh, thanks honey," She smiles a soft, hazy smile. "You don't look too bad yourself." She hums, eyeing her up with a grin. Before she could even argue a response, the country girl quickly perks up and slaps her hand on Ra'jah's shoulder in excitement. "Oh also! I want your opinion- I'm thinking about dying my hair pink." She can see the visible sparkle in the pair of eyes looking at hers. "Thoughts?" She asks, voice becoming giddy "Oooh bitch! You better, that'd be so fierce!" The (mostly) purple haired girl exclaimed, delight evident in her voice "For real, you'd look so good. And you know, ba-BY" she claps her hands together just for added emphasis, "I support ALL the impulsive hair decisions".

"Yess, obviously I want input only from bad bitches with the best hair"

"I told you I did these myself right?" she asked, running her shoulder length hair through her twirling fingers. "I've been really into doing hair recently"

"Wait, really? It looks so pretty, the fade to purple is so good"

"What'd you mean 'wait really' hoe, what you implying 'bout my hair skills?"

"Just that a talented woman like you should share your expertise!" Even when she was loud her voice was just as comforting, the tone reminiscent of a silk blanket on her skin

"All it took for me was bleach, a bottle of violet Arctic Fox dye, and the holy spirit of Brad Mondo"

"First of all I'm not trusting no mans named Brad," Ra'jah cackled a little because, yeah that's fair. "And secondly, if you're free, come an' help a girl out then!

"You're inviting me over? Wow we're moving kinda fast Kylie"

"Oh shut up bitch" but the undying twinkle in her eye confirmed the unsaid agreement that Ra'jah would be doing Kylie's hair, at some point.

"I'm free on Thursday, can I visit then?"

"Yea that works" She smiled, and the closeness between the two wasn't something the taller girl ever planned, or really felt before. But she had it now, a friend she really cares about, and she never wanted to lose it.

"Shit what time is it?" Even in her Shitty Human era she was still a timely gal, her mother didn't raise no late hoe. "Don't stress it Raj, we have like 15 minutes. Introduction to drafting and sewing, right?"

"Yes ma'am. Wanna start going?" "Sure thing" This year is for a new start, making new friends, and getting a chance to create new first impressions. Rebrand herself y'know, and the hindrance that is Scarlet's existence, wrapped in all the ancient things she'd rather not think about, won't stop her.

The walk to class was a pleasant blur. With Kylie yawning and walking essentially shoulder to shoulder with Ra'jah had they been the same height, they slipped into both comfortable conversation, and silence. With all the noise around them, their presence brought an ease without any awkwardness.

A trek opted through the outdoor route that was albeit a tad longer, provided some well needed greenery and fresh air.

"You excited for class?" Ra'jah asked, only half aware of where she was walking to. Her body was on autopilot, and Kylie knows the way, probably.

"You're amazing if you can get excited by class"

"It's fun!"

"Only 'cause you're good at it"

"You're good at it"

"You know what I mean. Isn't this one your favorite?"

"It's not my favorite"

"Uh huh"

"I just like it a lot. Maybee essentially jus' cause I don't hafta try" It was a mandatory course, but Ra'jah's not complaining. Perhaps it's a little vain to enjoy something just to remind everyone you can do it, but it was an easy break from the rest of the courses. And a nice little egoboost.

"So I'm right!"

"C'mon it's October and we're still on basic techniques"

"It's called introductory," She remarked. "Do you even pay attention half the time?"

"No but bitch neither do you"

"True" Kylie grinned in agreement.

"The way you're coming for me but it's easy for you too!" She hasn't been sewing as long as Ra'jah, but she has great taste so it really balanced out. "And let it be known that I use that class time to think about incredibly productive things"

"Oh that's her name?"

"What?" She didn't mean for her tone to drop. Didn't mean for her legs to stop walking, planting themselves into the cement. Didn't mean for the smile on her face to plummet at the implication. Her visceral reaction was louder than the cluelessness she gave off.

"Calm down" She giggled, as if Ra'jah's reaction woke her up from her grogginess, her breathlessness equivalent to a shot of espresso for Kylie. "You just seem really occupied sometimes is what I meant"

"Me? No I'm not" She couldn't convince herself.

"Okay babe. The models of your fashion sketches just look a little reminiscent"

"You know Scarlet isn't the only person with ginger hair right?" Ra'jah bites back, the condescending tone not her intention, but not exactly unwanted in the moment. Scarlet is insufferable, she doesn't want her own name slandered is all, being associated with the arrogant shit.

"Baby, I ain't mention Scarlet. That's all you.'' She had a shit eating smirk and maybe Ra'jah takes everything back about how nice friends are. IF there was inspiration, Scarlet is objectively nice looking so it's not a big deal there might be similarities if you squint.

"She was implied"

"If you want her to be"

They get inside and take a seat at one of the large tables, divided into stations with a sewing machine and some material at each one. Ra'jah takes a spot at the edge, with Kylie seated to her right.

On paper, it's all been planned out for Ra'jah; during her strolls between classes she'll take in all her surroundings and actively look for inspiration, pondering all the natural shapes and patterns of the world in a way she can manipulate into clothing. On paper, she'll make the most out of the introductory class, sketching designs between the minimal notes and sewing practices. On paper, she'll finish the mornings class with ease and have extra time to practice some new things.

In reality? Paper is flimsy, especially when its accountability is held by a fleeting mind. It's hard to bask in the world when unwanted questions plague her head. Mostly revolving around a certain redhead. God, fuck her. Fuck her pretty eyes and fuck her sculpted face and fuck her euphonious voice. Does everyone who sees Ra'jah see her patheticness? How she allowed some cunt to infiltrate her mind, set up home in her head and take up all the space? Let her infect every cell in the brain like a parasite until her skull is nothing but an infiltrated shell for an infestation caught up with infatuation?

"Ra'jah, you good?" The girl sat across from her, Trinity, piped up, and Ra'jah had to bite back a smile. The icy, timid girl she met just a few weeks ago was starting the conversation.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?"

"You just looked a little spaced out"

"Nah, it's just that this class is a breeze an' I'm just thinking about a project for another class"

"Mmm"

"Plus it's hard to just think of designs when there's no inspiration"

"I mean, we're supposed to practice gathering and making ruffles right now"

"Oh shit! We are?"

"Yeah girl!" Ra'jah, shaking her head at herself, finally picked up some of the fabric around her and got to work. "You'll be alright?"

"Oh don't worry about me! I'm all good"

"Okayyy if you need anything just yell" Ra'jah replied with a hum and a nod. Watching the girl running the fabric under the machine, memories of the first time they'd talked flashed, days of the nearly silent girl feeling so distant.

"I really like your earrings" The girl raised her head, looking left and right a little as if making sure it was directed at her.

"Thanks." She mumbled, vaguely looking at Ra'jah's direction.

"If you don't mind, where'd you get them?"

"Uh, I thrifted it."

"Oh, cool" Ra'jah smiled, before quickly adding "Thanks". The raven haired girl didn't reply. The start of the intriguing game of 'does she hate me, is she shy, or both?'

After all the awkward attempts made for the quiet girl to be comfortable and maybe make a friend, a sense of pride rang through her. She met Kylie and Trinity here a mere month ago, and yeah, maybe she could be nice. She could walk the fineline of warm socialization without being annoying. The new Ra'jah doesn't do unnecessary mean quips just for the sake of a little power rush. She can be authentically her while being polite. New Ra'jah makes friends- not enemies.

"Oh by the way" Ra'jah snapped her head up at Trinity's voice

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I know it's a little random but do you know what you're gonna be for Halloween?"

"Huh. Well, I haven't really thought about it" Ra'jah remarked, "I just don't care for Halloween and all that"

"Really? Girl, you're not gonna do anything, dress up, go out, nothing?"

"Baby all that work and money for some costume I'll wear once? No ma'am- and the fuck will I do, I barely have ideas for school!"

"Hey, you could wear anything and it's a costume. Wear a black dress, you're a cat"

"You think I'm that basic?"

"Yeah?"

"Fuck you" She snorted, and Trinity had a goofy smile, looking at Ra'jah with a sense of familiar fondness. "And thanks, really, but I don't care for all that spooky shit anyways"

"Damn, alright!" Teeth out and all, she laughed. The blonde on the right leaned in a little, a pleasant opposition of Trinity's hesitation is Kylie's eagerness

"Jesus Ra'jah, what did Halloween do to you?" The southern girl butts in. "You could dress as the grinch of Halloween, steal children's candy"

"You know what, yeah, I'll be a sluttified grinch"

"You're kinda built the same already" Trinity joins with a grin

"Hey!"

"Sluttified? Are you implying the grinch isn't sexy enough?" Ra'jah choked a little at that, found herself smiling with some dopey content, at what exactly she's not sure.

"Do ya'll think being the grinch would count as like, being a furry?" Trinity asked, voice dripping in an odd amount of seriousness.

"What? Baby no" Kylie jumped in. "Yes! absolutely, how would it NOT?" Trinity argues, and maybe it's the easiness of everything. Of how nice it is to just fall into banter when you let people in. Bouncing off the two girls, she doesn't need to think of how to be funny, how to one up herself, remind everyone of why she's worthy. She can just, be. And that warrants a smile.

With Ra'jah's elbow propped on the table, she rested her cheek against her palm to face forward, before turning a little to face Trinity

"But why do ya ask Trin? About Halloween"

"Oh, kinda last minute but I just want some ideas to figure mine out" She shrugs, and Kylie leans over once more. It's a little heartwarming, how physically close she always instinctively wants to be.

"Oh! Are you going to the Halloween party this weekend?"

"Nah parties aren't really my thing"

"Awh, but it'll be fun!"

"Yeah standing in a mass of people I won't talk to will be so fun"

"Fine- Ra'jah, are you goin'?" Rajah turns her head to follow the voices like a cat keeping up with a beam of light.

"Uh..."

"RIGHT, forgot, Halloween's not your thing". A party where she can have a disguise, let loose and have fun. It feels almost embarrassing to admit to her newfound friends that she's never been to a party, and the thought of a Halloween party didn't even cross her mind. Maybe Halloween isn't not her thing, it's just not something she'd indulge in. For reasons. Like, schoolwork.

"Welllllll…" Ra'jah hummed, dragging on with a small grin

"OH the prospect of partying changes things huh?"

"You know, me an' Halloween, we complicated okay!" They laugh, but Ra'jah's left thinking. New or old Ra'jah both, spends a little too much time in the internal realm of the brain.

The class falls silent except the murmurs of the buzzing machines, and the three chatter in whispers. Although usually it's mostly her and Kylie with occasional injections of confirmation from Trinity

"You're insane if you think spaghettini is better than fettuccine" Kylie protested "Spaghettini is literally the objective worst"

"Says who?!" Ra'jah paused sewing to look up at Kylie in defiance

"Me!"

"Trinity which is better"

"Huh? Ya'll It's too early for this." Trinity complained.

"Oh, says the bitch who asked if the grinch was a furry" Ra'jah retorted, but Trinity brushed her off to look at Kylie "Oh wait! Also, Kylie, what're you gonna be for Halloween?" She gave a little snicker before answering

"Don't come for me but honestly? Was thinking about being a cat"

"AAAAAH!" Ra'jah and Trinity erupted laughing.

"But like, a hot one okay!" Ra'jah quickly tried to redeem herself.

"You'll be the hottest ass cat around" Plus, worse comes to worst, Ra'jah will be a witch or something, and they can be hot and basic together.

When the class ended, they packed their things, and exchanged their goodbyes

"I'll see y'all around!"

"See you! Good luck on your textile project Trin"

"Thanks!" She waved, yelling a final "Bye!"

"Bye!" The three part, and Ra'jah makes her way to her second class. History of costume and design was next, and quickly weighing it out, she decided to take a quicker path through the halls. Suddenly, the weight of a body knocked at her side, the two stumbling around for a few seconds. A gust of papers had fallen from both parties' arms, and landed on the floor.

"Oh shit! I'm so-" Scarlet cuts herself off when she looks up at whom she's bumped into.

"Maybe watch where you're going" Ra'jah snorts out of sheer instinct, squatting down to gather her papers where Scarlet follows suit, just a little too close. The vague, sweet scent of strawberries she gives off is suffocating.

"Maybe if you weren't such a stuck up cunt taking up half the hallway I wouldn't hit you" The attention sends a masochistic jolt down her spine

"Uh oh someone's in a bad mood. Stuck up cunt that's a new one! Love the creativity. You should drop out of this school and be a writer" As much as she screamed internally to just shut the fuck up and get your things, it was so easy to slip back to this.

"Thanks but I'm good! When you fail out this year you can give it a try"

"Baby, me? Fail out?" Please don't imply that. Please don't make me doubt that I can and deserve to be here. I don't want to seek approval from others, but I can't help but be hurt at disapproval. Of course, her thoughts don't verbalize as the words that come out of her mouth. "That's a lot of talk for a girl who probably spends more hours getting fucked than studying" Before she can think it through, process the flash of hurt on her face and the way her fingers tense around the last piece of paper, before Ra'jah can really understand the weight of her own words she continues. "But I guess that's how you get yo' A's right?"

Their exchanges were in aggressive whispers, hushed to anyone above them. To most people, they'd find a sight of two girls muttering to one another while they pick up some things they've dropped.

"You're so much prettier when you're quiet" Scarlet huffed, standing up in one swift motion. Those words aren't a compliment. Like, at all. So why does Ra'jah's dumb, twisted heart stop for a second? The implied connection of herself and 'pretty' slows her body and slurs her mind until she's pushing herself up off the ground in slow motion. It's been so many months of mundanity, the small interaction felt all so familiar and foreign and exciting at the same time.But the haziness of her words and their little games makes her forget for a second of what the fuck just happened, and a wave of patheticness washed over her as she started to walk, eyes focused at the cream walls. For all her hemming and hawing, Ra'jah hasn't. Fucking. Changed.

A rush of everything dives into her guts, a sick adrenaline coated in dread, self loathing and the slight urge to cry, nestling in her stomach like a bird claiming a branch as it's home. Her skin was electric, and she hated to admit she loved it, the thrill of interacting with her, cattiness and all. Imagine feeling this much from fucking bumping into someone? Fingers clenched, nails digging in her own palms at how much she hates her. Intense emotions are a high of their own, and Ra'jah can't help but indulge. The piercing sting of her flesh being pressed in with her nails is intensified as she listens for the faint voice of that lanky girl always accompanying Scarlet.

"You good Scarlet?"

"Yeah, thanks" She can't look back, but she can't help but wonder- are they hugging? Holding hands? It doesn't- it shouldn't matter to her. The fun amusement pales in comparison to the misery settling in. The realization that she's fighting with Scarlet like they're 16 at the back of English class.

Of all the schools, why'd that girl have to come here? Of all the things to pursue, why the same as herself? Of all the people, why'd it have to be her? Ra'jah didn't have the audacity to explore the last question. What she means, she's not too sure. The only thing in the world she's sure of is that she can't be both New Ra'jah™ and Old Ra'jah™ to different people. The line between the two existences isn't so bold anymore, and painting over the bumps isn't as effective as she'd hoped.

***

Truth be told, watching herself move around in skirts was one of her favorite things- just about tied with watching others watch her. Maybe that's why she joined cheer in highschool. Especially with the support from (or, lack of thereof) a certain grimacing purple haired girl, a runaway model from a fashion show who wound up wandering this school. She never needed to turn and look, didn't need sight to know there's a burn at her back, nor who it's radiating from. Scarlet always walked with just a bit of a straighter back, just a bit more purpose, and just a bit more stride in her step when her favorite pair of wandering eyes were around. A small part of her always wants to turn around, catch her gaze and watch her frantically look away and pretend she's talking to someone. Or maybe she'll hold it, stare back with just as much intensity. But her wistful attention is enough of an ego boost. The scowl ridden bitch, smile washed away just for her, and yet that's where her attention lied. It made her bite back a smile.

Scarlet is a pretty thing, and she didn't need constant confirmation to remind her that she's beautiful. She's hot, she knows it, Ra'jah knows it, and Scarlet knows that's all she is to her. A pretty thing. Whatever. She's not important.

In fear of her brain melting, and/or being fried to a crisp, Scarlet doesn't bother having two classes back to back. Her mental capacity is full, and a nice salad will probably help with that. She's on her way to meet with Yvie for lunch, thinking about their weekend plans, when she takes a misstep and stumbles, all her weight focused in her shoulder which slams against someone else's side.

"Oh shit! I'm so-" the universe is an asshole. May the odds never be in my favor.

"Maybe watch where you're going" Her sneer is venomous, and the universe has suddenly become just the second biggest asshole.

"Maybe if you weren't such a stuck up cunt taking up half the hallway I wouldn't hit you" Ra'jah didn't do anything, a rational voice lectures, but she ignores it the way she's ignoring the taller girls face. Scarlet's grabbing at her papers, avoiding eye contact because that selfish pile of shit on her right takes up enough space as is, and if she looks into her eyes, sees that stupid fucking face this close she might do something bad. Like, in the sense of, punching her. Yeah, she can't look at her or she'll beat her up. Because that's a fight she'd win.

"Uh oh someone's in a bad mood. Stuck up cunt that's a new one! Love the creativity. You should drop out of this school and be a writer" Ra'jah snides, and she needs to drop out before Scarlet gets grey hair from her.

"Thanks but I'm good! When you fail out this year you can give it a try" Her words are about as empty as her own stomach, because she hasn't eaten since last night, and Ra'jah will quit fashion school and become a science engineer before she fails out.

"Baby, me? Fail out?" Yeah, with the flawless outfit you're wearing that you sure as hell made just because you were bored one night. Your pants could literally be sold as a luxury brand. The girl who started sewing when she a embryo in the womb, you'll fucking fail out. "That's a lot of talk for a girl who probably spends more hours getting fucked than studying- But I guess that's how you get yo' A's right?" Scarlet looks up, not at Ra'jah but away from the ground, and the urge to yell, hit her, and cry come up at the same time. She wants to scream, get everyone in hearing range to know that Ra'jah is a loser who will amount to nothing. She wants to reach out and choke her. But articulating her anger into words is too much, and she ends up just whispering whatever words are willing to come out as she gets up, not caring if she left any papers behind.

"You're so much prettier when you're quiet" And that's the closest thing to honest Scarlet's said all day.

In the distance, she sees Yvie walking towards her, so she waits until the freshly dyed green haired girl is caught up beside her.

"You good Scarlet?"

"Yeah, thanks" The two walk together, side by side, and Scarlet loops her arm through Yvie's, linking the pair.

"You know, Scarlie, you should stop wearing heels before you break your ankles"

"Hey!" She giggled, slapping the taller girl's arm in response. "I never fall, people just get in my way" Yvie scoffs, unable to stop the corners of her lips turning up and giving her away, forever endeared by the shorter girl. Scarlet's affection makes her forget that they've only known each other for a month. They reach a set of blue doors, and Yvie opens it, holding it for Scarlet to come through. Her face seems puzzled

"Are you down to go to Mika's Cafe? I want to get some coffee"

"Sure, they have nice breakfast sandwiches and omelettes, I'm down" It's only a few minutes away from campus

"What's on your mind"

"Just like, school stuff. I have to make a dress for creative fashion design, and I'm just thinking about it, and what I wanna do" Would it be tmi to blurt that Ra'jah is insufferable?

"Cool," Yvie hummed, and spiteful words cycled through Scarlet's head, deciding on what exactly to say, before Yvie beats her to it, whipping her head in some seeming urgency

"OH by the way, I know you're busy with your project and you're determined on getting in the top 5 and all,"

"Uh huh"

"Buuuuut, there's a Halloween party this weekend, and I was gonna go with Brooke and her friends but they're not going anymore," Scarlet knows how Yvie feels about Brooke, and to be fair she's only met her a few times in passing, but how someone like Yvie could fall for someone as uptight as the boring blonde is beyond her. She doesn't dare bring up another possibility of why her dorm mate would be avoiding the stoic girl, a possibility involving a particularly hot headed latina glued to the Canadians side. "They decided clubbing downtown would be more fun or whatever," They're outside on the pavement now, and the afternoon breeze graces their skin. It's a welcome environment, and Scarlet slows down her pace to enjoy the air, with Yvie quickly matching her pace.

"Wouldn't you rather go clubbing though? Like not with Brooke and them but with others," Scarlet is friendly and all, but she swears Yvie is somehow friends with half the school. She sure as hell can find a group to go with.

"I guess, but I want to go to the party," she quiets a little as she continues, "There are some people I want to see there, for fun and stuff"

"Mmmm!" Scarlet widens her eyes, looking at the taller girl with a knowing glare, sprinkled with a teeny bit of judgement.

"It's kinda lame to go there alone!"

"No it's not!"

"Scarls, yeah it is"

"Why do you even care? Wanna impress some girls?" In response, Yvie rolled her eyes so hard Scarlet could practically feel it.

"'Cause you want me to go to a fun Halloween party by myself?

"Yes! You could walk up to anyone and there's like an 80% chance you already know them, and a 100% chance you'll become friends anyways" The quirky girl's charm is undeniable, she'll be fine without Scarlet. Yvie gives a defeated sigh

"Seems kinda homophobic"

"Ugh you know what's actually homophobic? The fact that more people aren't madly in love with me. I'm LITERALLY perfect" The prospect of love feels like it's been dangled infront of her, her whole life. Imagine looking like Scarlet, and never dated before?

"You're right girl, you are" Yvie laughed her deep, hearty cackle and Scarlet wanted to melt a little.

"Thank you, finally someone with taste" Looking at her outfit, she remembers that the tall girl's taste is kind of debatable, and Scarlet almost wants to say she takes it back

"You think Ra'jah has good taste then?"

"What?"

"Also a party seems like the best way to meet more people y'know?" She brushes over her last question, and it's much better that way.

"You know what, whatever 'll go with you" Scarlet agrees so she'll shut up. If she hears her roommate bring up she-who-shall-not-be-named-because-shes-a-stick-in-the-ass anymore she might lose her mind. And, she really doesn't have any other plans for the night so might as well.

***

AN: going to be a while for the next chapter bc im busy so here's a lil thing lol xo

***

They weren't supposed to meet here. Weren't supposed to see each other. At least, that's what Scarlet tries to tell herself.

"You are such a fucking pain, oh my god" Scarlet seethed because everything is hazy except the impassive girl standing before her and she can't think straight. Her cold eyes are apathetic and Scarlet wants to implode, like a glass thermostat engulfed in a burning heat where it's not a question of if, but an inevitable when? "Maybe I am arrogant" Her voice was coated in a sickly sweet frustration. She pushed further into Ra'jah's space, the taller girl stiffening at the ever decreasing space between the two. How can she be so still, so unreactive? This is all so amusing to her? Is she having fun, so fucking detached from everything and watching Scarlet crumble? Pretending like she cares about Scarlet past her pretty face? Enjoying her sadistic game? Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her.

"Maybe I am narcissistic" Their faces were inches apart, and Ra'jah could feel the angry womans hot breathe on her cheek, the pungent smell of alcohol intruding her nose.

"But I'd rather be a confident, arrogant narcissist than whatever kind of sad fuck you are"

Scarlet growled, and she wanted to breathe fire, burn Ra'jah's existence out of her mind and scream at everything she felt because of her. Except that she sees her, and wants her, wants to hurt her and touch her and without thinking her hands are digging around Ra'jah's waist.

"You are such-" Scarlet was interrupted as the other girl leaned in, framed the shorter girl's face with both her hands, and pressed her lips against Scarlets. Any thoughts or mental functionality she had were put to an abrupt stop. This wasn't supposed to happen. It's been so long, but no time has passed since they were last like this. The plug to her brain was pulled, and it's all static and her bodys done a full 180. Ra'jah's piercing lips are numbing, and her overheated body feels like it's been dunked in ice where all her nerves are all in shock. They weren't supposed to do this anymore, it's the only thing they've ever been able to agree on. She was frozen, unable to move, or think, far too busy being hyper focused on the familiar sugary lips on hers, sending waves of nostalgia through her body. Time has only heighted the intoxication. She gains some composure and surges forward, but Ra'jah's pulling away, opening her mouth to finally say something.

"You're so much prettier when you're quiet"

#rpdr fanfiction #as6 #ra'jah o'hara #scarlet envy #trinity k bonet #kylie sonique love #yvie oddly #ra'jah x scarlet #enemies to lovers #lesbian au #fashion school au #a series of mutual feelings #pazinae #concrit welcome

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highkey-as-heck · 3 years

Text

theo cruz is here.

basic information:

full name: theodora “theo” cruz

nickname(s): theo, t — anyone who tries anything else will get smacked in the back of the head

age: 38

date of birth: november 13th

hometown: seattle, washington

current location: seattle, washington

ethnicity: white

nationality: american

gender: non-binary

pronouns: she/they

orientation: pansexual

religion: none

political affiliation: none

occupation: paramedic

living arrangements: in a small apartment by herself

language(s) spoken: english, arabic, a lil bit portuguese her parents taught her

accent: american??

physical appearance:

face claim: priscilla faia

hair color: brown

eye color: dark brown

height: 5'4

build: lean and toned

tattoos: a couple small quotes

piercings: ears

clothing style: casual, jeans and a tank top goes a long way

usual expression: attentive

distinguishing characteristics: –

health:

physical ailments: still struggles with some injuries she sustained while deployed

neurological conditions: migraines, ptsd

allergies: none she’s aware of

sleeping habits: gets solid sleep when she has work, but in her off-time she goes to bed late and wakes up late

eating habits: tries to eat healthy, but allows herself a cheat day here and there on a long shift

exercise habits: works out every other day

emotional stability: i'mma say around 5/10 right now, she’s vibing

sociability: super social, loves to meet new people

body temperature: waaaarm and cozy

addictions: all the coffee she can get, and scented candles

drug use: a little weed when she’s off work for a few days helps her brain a lot

alcohol use: a beer or two, or a glass of wine after a shift sounds about right, she will go off on a night out though

personality:

positive traits: unapologetic, honest, brave, emotional, adaptable, compassionate, assertive

negative traits: secretive, stubborn, confrontational, disorganized, impatient, restless

fears: rejection, inadequacy, abandonment, losing control

hobbies: what the hell are those and why do you need one? isn’t life like — enough to deal with?

habits: nail biting when she’s anxious, talks to herself

favorites:

weather: a rainy fall day

color: black is neat

music: anything rock

movies: not movies — tv shows. particularly bad comedies

sport: how about no?

beverage: cinnamon whiskey

food: pasta

animal: dogs

song: black leather – call me karizma

family:

father: hugo cruz, deceased

mother: dolores cruz, alive

sibling(s): –

children: –

pet(s): a golden retriever named nugget

family’s financial status: not great

extra:

zodiac: scorpio

anything else: nah, fam

tw: injury, explosion, accident, ptsd, survivor’s guilt, death

bio:

theo cruz was born and raised in seattle, washington to her portuguese parents.

growing up, she would test her parents limits any chance she got, driving them both nuts for years, and pushing them further and further away from her.

coming into high school, theo quickly realized that real life wasn’t going to let her get away with absolutely anything she wanted to though, and boy did she take that and run with it.

she decided that she had to make some changes that would allow her to be useful in the world.

she got her shit together and started performing well in school. she worked some odd jobs around seattle for a couple years after graduating, but soon decided she needed a change of scenery and enlisted in the army, sick and tired of constantly feeling like she wasn’t doing enough.

having completed the combat medical technician training, she made it through quite a few deployments before her military career was cut short. while doing a medical evacuation from action, the helicopter she was in was shot down, causing a massive explosion and multiple casualties. while theo was lucky to survive, she lost a lot of good friends that day, and struggles with having left them behind to this day.

luckily enough, theo survived and was evacuated by a few rogue soldiers refusing to leave them behind. after months in a german hospital, packed with physical therapy, and some time to wallow in self pity, she moved to los angeles, just wanting the sunshine on her skin, and got certified as a paramedic.

working in los angeles and trying to deal with her ptsd and survivor’s guilt eventually became too much, and she knew she needed support. theo moved back to seattle in an effort to start repairing her relationship with her mother.

#pls don't expect these long intros every time thanks #also pls slide into the dm's if you wanna write with theo!!!!!#[theo] bio #[theo] inner peace is hard to buy

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elysiashelby · 4 years

Text

In Another World - T. Shelby Imagine Ch. 4

Paring: (Eventual) Thomas Shelby x Aliena Welsh (OC)

Fandom: Peaky Blinders

Word Count: 5, 257

WARNINGS: Angst, Cursing, Explicit Attempted R*pe Scene, Descriptive Murder Scene, Recollection of Past Molestation

Summary: Aliena Welsh has been living in the universe of the show Peaky Blinders for 8 months now. She feels like family more now than ever since she has a role for everyone in the family. But as she delivers the Shelby Brothers’ their food at the Garrison, trouble brews. She will commit something that will never go away for the rest of her life.

MASTERLIST CHAPTER 3.3 CHAPTER FIVE

A/N: HI! If you skipped to this chapter, that’s completely fine! I tried including the most important parts that took place in the extras.

READ THE WARNINGS! THE 1ST LINE BREAK IN THIS CHAP MEANS THE SCENE IS STARTING!! LOOK FOR THE 2ND IF YOU WANT TO SKIP THE SCENE!!

THANKS FOR READING!

It's been two months since the incident happened. Meaning I have been with the Shelby family for eight months in total. I did not get over it the night after, it took a week.

Instead of getting over it the next day, I had tried drowning myself in work but they didn't let me, which led to me breaking down. It was embarrassing. Another bath was drawn for me and on that night, I had smoked my first cigarette. It made me both calm and riddled with anxiety. So, I haven't touched one since.

I call Thomas, Tommy now. It happened after the incident. It was like I was a part of the family, in a way. I mean I hope I was considered family. After all, I do cater to every emotional need in the family. I act motherly/older sister-like to the children including Finn, a younger sister to Ada, a daughter to Polly, and I'm a coping mechanism to the rest of the boys. The nights that I'm not soothing Arthur, I'm with Tommy. John is pretty alright. To be frank, he has a tighter grip on demons than his brothers. However, I believe that's only because he doesn't want his kids to ever find out, or he has his different outlets that I don't know about.

It has been really nice to sleep beside someone. By someone, I mean Tommy. You see, we had this agreement that I would just talk his ear off throughout the night, and he wouldn't use his opium pipe anymore. Now, I know he doesn't see me that way, but c'mon! He's just so fit! I honestly don't know if he's aware that I got a crush on 'em, but I just hope he's kept it to himself. I was never one for subtly in any of my pursuits. I always had a habit of staring.

As I was sweeping away all the dirt in the house, I got incredibly bored. Since it was only Finn around, hopefully, doing his homework that I gave 'em! I began to sing.

"Bitch, don't steal my man. He's got a weakness for girls like you. We both know you can. But I really need him more than you."

It was so liberating to be able to comfortably sing. I started to get more into it.

"You're a supermodel, shaped just like a bottle…" I held on to the broom, but made an outline of an hourglass figure with me free hand.

"He could run his fingers through your hair." I raised my hands, ran my fingers through my hair, and jerked it behind my shoulders.

"I bet you're a good time girl. But don't you know he's mine though?" I danced around my broom and then pointed to meself on the last lyric.

"I was running around for a minute. Now he's the only one who can get it." I sang while smacking me hip lightly, trying not to make any other unnecessary noise.

"So bitch, don't steal my man. He's got a weakness for girls like you. We both know you can. But I really need him more than you." While singing, I put on a sad expression. It was more like a childish pout.

"Maybe I can fake it. Fake it 'til you make it." At this point, I had me eyes closed and was zoned in on singing. I started to dance slowly.

"I can't promise, I'll be cordial. Got a mouth just like a trucker." Oddly enough, I started to sink down till I was crouching, but me knees were touching. I was also patting parts of me body as I went down.

‘I really can't describe movements to save my life!’

"I can't even be a lady. Out in public for my mother, motherfucker." On the last lyric, I immediately stood up. I turned around, opened me eyes for a split second, and grasped the broom again.

With me eyes now closed, I continued. "But bitch, don't steal my man. He's got a weakness for girls like you. We both know you can. But I really need him more than you." I put on the same sad expression to really feel the song.

With the broom hugged against me body, I began to sway with it. "I won't blame him if he leaves me for you, oh."

Me swaying came to a halt. "I won't even blame him if one day he runs off with you." I felt me own heart break for me imaginary lover's affair. Me voice came out softer than I expected.

I didn't like that so I tried singing the next lyrics with a more happy tone. "Bitch, don't steal my man. He's got a weakness for girls like you. We both know you can. But I really need him more than you." I danced around the broom with more energy. I felt the sway of me dress with each turn.

"Yeah. Oh, oh-oh. Oh, oh, oh. Don't steal my man. Bitch, don't steal my man. Don't steal my man." As I sang out the last of the lyrics, I stood still and opened me eyes.

I expected silence, maybe even just Finn peaking in but it was worse. I was met with thunderous applause from the Shelby brothers, even Tommy.

John hooted and whistled while clapping. "Whoo! We got ourselves an exclusive singer!"

"You're fucking right, John-boy! We 'ave our very own songbird." Arthur shouted.

Tommy just had this smug smile on his face.

I cringed at their "compliments''. I cringed very harshly from their comments! The worst part is that I can't tell if they're being sincere or not! "Piss off! Why didn't youse say anything? I'll make yez your scran then do one." I balanced the broom on the wall and shoved meself past them into the kitchen. All three of them started to fucking giggle.

"Don't tell me you got so flustered that we brought out your scouser! Eh, Ali!" Tommy shouted.

I sucked on me teeth. A habit I picked up from Tommy. I adopted it before I came here, though. It was actually a tick from Cillian, but he did it so many times as Tommy in the show, and well the real Tommy actually does it a lot. So, there was no getting rid of it!

‘I don’t why Tommy is acting so smug as if I don’t ‘ave to sing ‘em sad songs every night just so he can fuckin’ fall asleep. The bastard!’

"Shut up! Now, are youse gonna eat leftovers or am I making sandwiches?" I reached for plates that were in the cupboards and put them on the counter.

"We'll have the leftovers, Ali." Tommy replied.

I walked over to the icebox and took it out.

After they finished with eating and teasing, I had to finish cleaning up. It was especially difficult today because I decided to do a musical fucking number and Finn managed to work up the courage to ask me for help on his homework.

By then, I was working on dinner with Polly. I did the peeling and chopping of the potatoes and carrots. She was making soup. We were debating about who Ada had been sneaking off with at night. I knew it was Freddie Thorne, but I was not going to be a snitch. Besides, she’s been using me as a scapegoat and I’m fine with her racking up her “I.O.U’s.”

The phone went off which Polly answered. I heard bits of it, but I was really trying hard not to be geggin' in.

Polly sighed before saying, "Tommy rang said that they'll be eating at the Garrison. Go and take it to them, yeah?"

I nodded in response. I got up and put our bowls into the sink.

"Don't worry about the dishes tonight. I'll do those. Just give this to them and you'll be down for the night."

I got me basket and put in three bowls and spoons. I lowered it ‘till it rested in the crook of me elbow, and then carried the pot of soup using both of me hands. Polly got the door. We said our goodbyes and I began me journey.

As I was walking, men tipped their hats to me or bid me goodnight. It was strange to me for months in the beginning, but I've gotten quite used to it. It happens anytime I'm out and abar.

As I got closer to the pub, I noticed these three young lads leaning against a wall outside. I wasn't sure at first but as I drew nearer to the door, their heads followed me. The middle one must have known the jig was up ‘cause he actually had the nerve to whistle at me. Like a dog.

It stopped me in me tracks. I've never been treated this way in me whole life. After I became the Shelby family's maid, Tommy made it clear that nobody could touch me. I was off limits. Everyone in Birmingham knew that. But that didn't stop this cheeky lad who kept catcalling me and inching closer. I shook me head and then continued on.

A man who was walking out greeted me, saw I was holding a pot, then held open the door for me to walk in, and even opened the second door. I thanked him. I walked over and knocked on the door to the snug. Arthur opened it after like five minutes of me waiting.

"Here's your dinner. I'm off." I said while placing both the pot and the basket down.

"Oh c'mon, Ali. Stay 'n 'ave a laugh with us!" John shouted as he passed out the plates and spoons to his brothers.

I shook me head with a smile on me face. His loud behavior made me want to laugh. But there was this sense of anxiety that washed over me.

'Maybe I should stay.' I thought.

Me nerves were unsettled by the lads who were outside. I didn't want to know if they were waiting on me to come back outside.

‘I would be safer in here.’

I stroked the edge of the table and took notice of its coldness.

'Maybe I was just being paranoid. I should just go home. I would just ruin their fun.'

"Aliena, are you alright?" Tommy asked. His eyebrows furrowed in worry.

I smiled. It was, secretly, a sad smile. "Yeah, just grand. I'mma head on home. See youse tomorrow. Night!"

They all shouted back the same and I left. I kept the image of Tommy in me mind as I walked out of the pub. The cold air was nice against me hot face. But it didn't stop me from seeking warmth. I crossed my arms over me chest and hid me hands with me arms.

"Oi! Pretty lady! Wanna have a good time with us?"

"Yeah, come on! Show us a good time."

"You know, we're not from here."

I knew they were trying to close the gap between us. I tried walking faster.

I could hear the pounding of their footsteps before I could react. Suddenly, there was a tight grip on me forearm and he yanked me toward himself. I gasped in surprise.

"Come on, love. We came all the way from London to this shit city. Staying at this shitty hostel called… Something with Betty in it. So, how 'bout you fucking show me and my mates a good fucking time?" He squeezed me face in his hands.

Me breathing quickened and heart was caught in me throat.

"Le-Let me go! Fuck off!" I screamed.

I managed to tear his hand off me face and I kicked his knee. He groaned in pain while doubling over to support it. I started to run, but I didn't manage to get very far. One of the others caught up to me. He caught me arms, swung me 'round, and slapped me across the face.

Me ear rang and I felt a lot of pain. "Let me go! Stop it! Help me! Somebody help me!" I yelled as I tried putting me feet down, but he just kept dragging me.

Nobody was helping me.

'I'm scared. I don't wanna be raped!' I kept chanting over and over.

Eventually, the guy tugged me into his arms and shoved me into an alleyway. I groaned on impact. Me stockings ripped and me hands skidded on the cement. I raced to get back up, but the man that threw me, bunched up the collar of me coat and threw me against the wall. I yelped and started seeing stars. Pain exploded throughout me head. But even then I knew he was taking off me coat.

I heaved out a breath. He took that chance to shove his tongue in me mouth. It was so revolting. He tasted of booze, ciggies, and pure bad breath. I bit down on his tongue. He cried out in pain. He held his mouth. His grip was still tight on me collar. I tried running the other way since his friends were blocking the entrance of the alleyway, but he tugged me back and punched me.

Now, that fucking hurt. I froze instantly. The pain was too much. I started sobbing.

"Shut up!" He demanded.

I didn't listen. So, I got a knee to the stomach. I grunted in pain and doubled over. He didn't let me soothe meself as he yanked me back up and started to attack me neck.

I heard and felt as he ripped me dress open. I tried harder to push against his torso. I tried pushing him off of me. He ripped me bra and I felt his tongue roam me chest. I cried out. I was disgusted. Me stomach was churning. I reached up and yanked him by his hair.

He shouted in pain and punched me in me ribs. I groaned.

From the corner of my eye, I could see his two friends just staring at us. They were enjoying watching me struggle. They were smoking and sharing a bevvy. They were smiling at the sight of me, they were laughing at me!

He didn't stop there. He grabbed me by me arms and threw me against the wall multiple times. I tried sticking out me neck forward. It was an attempt to protect me head and it worked… a little. I was completely out of it by the time he stopped doing it.

I could feel yet I was also numb to it. It was like the incident all over again. I still thrashed me arms around, but it was so weak. I was so beaten. Me body was not used to this. It wanted to shut down. I knew it did. But then me fingers grazed something on his upper torso. Me breath hitched.

It knew this spot to be special. Tommy had a special spot here too. It was a gun holster. I felt me attacker raise me left leg and push my panties aside.

After that it was such a blur. It all happened so fast.

I took the gun out of its holster, pressed it into his torso, cocked it, and pulled the trigger. The shot rang through me ears. All I heard was white noise after that.

I held onto the back of his neck, supporting his weight by leaning him on me body, looked to my right and saw that his friends had run off. It was then that I heard his choking gasps. I felt nothing. I pushed his body off of me and cocked the gun again. His fingers started to outline his bullet wound. He stared up at me in shock.

He held his hands up, begging for his life. I looked down and stared at his leg. I aimed and fired. He screamed in agony. I cocked the gun. I aimed at his shoulder and fired. Another scream ripped from his throat.

At that moment, I felt me mouth twitch upward. I felt meself smirk. Me eyes widened like a madman. I felt powerful. I walked closer to him and stood over his body. Slowly, I cocked the gun. He whimpered and put his hands up slowly. Hands covered in his own blood. I relished the terror in his eyes.

I felt the smile expand on me face and I aimed for the middle of his forehead. I exhaled sharply before closing me mouth up. The action caused me to giggle uncontrollably. He sobbed louder but also somewhat slurred. He was dying. I knew that and he knew that.

So, I withdrew the gun and took a small stumbling step back. I contorted me face in fear— it was all an act, and watched as he put his guard down. I stayed like that for about a minute before I couldn't manage to hide me smile anymore even while biting me lip. In a flash, his face lit back up in terror and that's when I took a step forward and pulled the trigger. The smile fell from me face. His hot blood had splattered all over me face, blowback I heard it was called.

"Oi!" A man shouted.

I looked up to see no one that I would know. However, the man was wearing a peaked cap and was accompanied by three others. All guns were raised and pointed at me.

They inched closer to me and I took a real stumbling step back.

One man gasped. "That's Aliena Welsh. Mr. Shelby's maid!"

They put down their guns and rushed to me. I just stood there. Then, I looked down and stared at the gun. Me hands were trembling like leaves, but it was all an act. One of the Peaky men held out his hand toward me, I flinched and he stopped.

"Miss, let's get you home. We'll take care of 'em. Come now, dear." He gestured to the gun and reluctantly I gave it to him. Another man gave me his coat. I wrapped myself around it.

"Come, Miss." He waved me to follow him.

I looked back and watched as the other men started to deal with the body. One man hauled him up by his armpits while another picked him up by his legs.

Almost in a trance, I said. "No. I'm going home by meself. Go 'n tell, Tommy, what’s happened."

Then, I rushed past him. At first, I was speed walking and then I was running. I was running with one hand holding onto me torn dress. The man’s coat had flown off of me shoulders. I was basically just covering me chest. Me stomach was on full display, though.

But, of course, me suffering would not end. Me heel got caught and I tripped. I caught meself but it made me pre-existing wounds hurt even more. I sat there in the middle of the sidewalk. Panting for breath. Me lungs, no, not just me lungs. Everything hurt. Especially, me head.

'I'm finished,’ I thought, ‘I can never go back now. I can’t go back to my family after I’ve killed someone. I-I can never be saved by any higher power, or have salvation for my soul. I... I killed him.’

I started to laugh, maniacally. I just giggled and laughed. Until they turned into blood curdling screams. Once I lost breath, I desperately inhaled and then sprang myself up. I continued running until I got home. With the door in sight, I started to sob. The worst part of it was that I wasn't crying because of what happened. It was because I knew I needed to look distraught. I knew deep down that I had absolutely no regrets pulling that trigger.

I probably even liked it.

I started banging on the door. I could hear Polly yell for me to stop. I didn't. Not until she ripped open the door. I saw as her gaze contorted from angry to something else, maybe astonishment. She brought her hands to her mouth. Her eyes watered which made me look away.

"Oh my god." She whispered. Polly sounded so choked up. Her sadness seeped into her words.

Her hands slowly reached out to me. They were shaking so much. And I broke. I started to cry, sob, wail.

"Polly! Polly… " I repeated her name over and over. She drew me into a hug and helped me inside. I hid me face in the crook of her neck.

"Sh! It's alright, love. I have you now. Ada! You're safe now. ADA, GET DOWN HERE THE FUCK NOW!"

I knew she was leading me into the living room. She helped me sit down and she never stopped stroking me hair.

Before Ada could ask any questions, Polly told her to bring the tub in and to draw me a bath with hot water. I was still crying. I sounded awful.

"Pol, what's happened?" Ada asked as she poured the hot water into the tub.

"I don't know! Just focus on what I've told you to do! Ali, love, I'm goin' to be right back. You need ice for your face." She kissed the temple of me forehead and then unwrapped me from her.

I looked at her empty spot with hollow eyes. Then, I trailed over to Ada. Her mouth hanging open slightly.

I gulped. Me mouth was completely dry. The tub was full. I stood up slowly. I didn't even realize it would hurt. Hell, I didn't even realize that there was blowback on me breasts and neck, not just me face. I slipped a finger under the strap of me bra and carefully slipped both it and me dress off of me body.

As I went to take off me panties, I suddenly remember I had thigh high stockings. I closed me eyes shut and sat back down. A wince left me mouth. I kicked off me heels, reached down, and tugged them off with very strained effort. When I stood back up, heels clicked on the floor meaning Polly was back. I slid off me panties and then entered the tub.

Ada tried to protest but it was too late. I had already submerged me body in the scathing hot water. It burned and yes, and Polly yelled at me for it. But then I got used to it and she was holding the makeshift ice pack against the left of me face where the bastard struck me the most. Ada, with a towel in hand, was scrubbing the blood off of me body. She was being so delicate with me.

That was when the door flew open and in came the Shelby brothers. The sound of the door banging on the wall made me cringe. I closed me eyes at the sound. Just as I was tipping me head back, me face was grasped and inspected.

"Who did this? What the fuck happened!" Tommy shouted.

"Stop your fucking shouting! She hasn't said a word… Aliena, love. Can you tell us what happened?" Polly asked.

Languidly, I opened me eyes. Tommy's eyes were blown wide. And, I could finally read his face. He was angry and worried. I looked behind 'em and saw John and Arthur were doing no better. Arthur was raising a fist to his mouth repeatedly before striking the couch. John was pacing back and forth while sniffing a lot. Ada was crying beside me. She took her hand in mine.

I felt loved. I felt safe.

I exhaled loudly with me cheeks puffed. I made a kind of "oo" noise like when women give birth. I swallowed a sob and began to speak.

"There was these three fuckers outside the Garrison. They were eyeing me real hard before I went in. I thought I saw wrong because well, no one in the city disrespects me. Ha!" I looked away from Tommy as I ran me tongue over the inside of me cheek. "When I went back out, they had already gotten like closer. They were catcalling me. Saying things like I should show them a good time. That I owed it to them since they were from out of town." I scoffed and looked down at me chest.

Me bare chest. It was still covered in blood. Me face contorted. I was filthy. I had a disgusting man's blood on me body. I raised me hands and started rubbing on me skin. It had dried somewhat. It wasn't coming off! I started to hyperventilate and scratch at me skin.

"Eh, stop that, Ali! Eh! Aliena, stop that!" Tommy took my hands from me neck and into his. Me eyes widened and I could feel me head twitching to the right.

His thumb made small strokes up and down me hand and I started to calm down.

"One of them ran to me when I started speeding up. He grabbed me and I screamed for help. I tried fighting. Kicked his knee and ran for it. But another one caught up to me, swung me 'round, and slapped me. I kept screaming for help, but nobody was… " I took a deep breath. "They threw me in an alley and then against the wall. I kept on fighting. The guy who was gonna… Well, he was wearing a gun. So, I… I-!"

I shook me head, violently. "I shot 'em, Tommy. I took his gun and shot 'em. His mates ran off. And yeah…" I slipped me hands out of his grasp and finally allowed me head to tilt down as I rested me eyes.

I muttered. "Me virtue lives to fight another day." I snickered, mirthlessly.

I felt rather than saw Tommy's explosive response. He slammed his hands against the tub while screaming, "Fuck!"

Polly and Ada both gasped.

"Did they tell you anything else, love? Like where they were planning on taking you? Or where they came from?" Polly asked, always quick to regain composure.

I nodded. "Said they'd come from London. Staying at Betty's. I think that meant that lodging place that's run by that… "

"Semi-retired prostitute." Tommy finished. "Right. John, Arthur! Let's go!"

Polly didn't even try stopping them. The door closed with the same bang. I started to cry again and this time I had two women soothing me.

They cleaned the blood off of me. They washed it off of me body and hair. They put me in a nightgown and Polly brushed out me hair. Afterward, Polly sent Ada up to bed and we cuddled on the couch.

I cleared me throat. "This isn't the first time. Not even when Tommy brought me home that day two months ago. No. The first time it happened was when I was 13 or 14. Me ma’ let me have a bevvy for the first time. It was Thanksgiving 'n all. I got so bevied up that me sis offered me to sleep in her room. I wanted to see the baby, so everyone went along with it. You see, I was supposed to sleep at the end of the bed while she was supposed to sleep next to her husband. It didn't end up like that. I slept next to 'em with the baby in the middle of us, and my sister was at the bottom.

It was fine 'til I woke up and he was fondling me. He was playing with me breasts and kept running his hand up and down me thigh. I fucking froze, Pol. I froze for so long. But I managed to get away. I went running to me room. I told me ma’ in the morning and she told me sis. They didn't believe me. Me ma’ wanted her granddaughter to grow up with both parents, so she hid it from me da’. Me sis just thought I was lying for attention. I had to be in the same house with 'em for so fucking long!"

Polly sucked on her teeth and held me closer to her. She held me so tight that I could hardly breathe. Tears escaped me eyes but me face wasn't contorted.

I was so tired.

As the night went on, Polly eventually walked me to bed. She tucked me in like I was a child. She kissed me forehead before walking out. Once I hit the bed, all fatigue washed away. I was left with me own thoughts. I couldn't fall asleep now.

I brought fingers to me face and lightly pressed on the outside of me bruises. I hissed in pain and withdrew me hand.

'I don't wanna see me face.' I thought.

But because I acknowledged it, I wanted to do it. I slowly got up from the bed and walked over to the mirror. Me left cheek and eye were both bruised. It wasn't absolutely horrible, but I've never seen me face like this before.

I huffed as I dropped me hand from me face. I opened the palm of me hand and traced the outline of me scrapes. They burned like a bitch when I was in the bath. I slowly crouched down and did the same to the scrapes on my knees. But as I did so, pain shot up throughout me body because I neglected the bruises on me stomach and ribs.

I was littered with fucking bruises.

I sighed, running a hand through me hair as I tilted me head back. I pinched the bridge of me nose. I was brought out of me trance when three soft knocks rang through the room. I jumped at the sudden sound.

"Ye-Yes?"

The door opened and it was Tommy. He had dressed down. He was in his pajamas. A white long sleeve shirt and pants. I never asked if they were his work pants, but they were eerily similar.

He cleared his throat and flicked his nose. "It's done. We found 'em and dealt with them."

I let out a loud breath of relief. They were dead. I wouldn't have to worry about them at all. Unlike in me original world where I couldn't sleep because I feared he'd come for me and me family.

I ran me hand through me hair, and bunched it at the front. I looked up at Tommy. "Thank you." I whispered.

With his hands now in his pockets, he nodded.

I knew what I was doing. I knew that I probably shouldn't ask, but I didn't want to be alone tonight. I ran to him and hugged him. He returned it, hesitantly. He soon rested his chin on me head.

I felt him kiss me head and he whispered. "Sleep with me tonight, eh? You shouldn't be alone tonight."

I nodded with me head still buried in his chest. Slowly, he guided me to his room. I climbed into his bed and he did after me. I faced the wall and allowed his arm to be me pillow. I gathered me hair and put it all to the side where his arm laid.

I could hear his breathing and that's all it took for me to start drifting off. Me eyes fluttered open when I felt his fingers comb through me hair. He couldn't fully thread his fingers through me hair, but it was still soothing.

"You're safe now. You'll be okay." He whispered over and over.

His voice is something I always want to fall asleep to...

It didn't take me long to fall asleep at all. I was safe in the Shelby house, in Tommy's arms.

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#thomas shelby imagine #thomas shelby x oc #thomas shelby x reader #thomas shelby fanfic #thomas shelby angst #in another world #tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby x oc #tommy shelby x reader

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taboo-u · 4 years

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Echkart Tolle's Power of Now? How About Power of You!

I love Eckhart Tolle. He's his own holy trinity of calm, patient, and witty. The guy's just hypnotically likeable, and people that understandably like him tune-in for guidance only become confused...

"How the hell do I not learn from past mistakes or plan for tomorrow? Damn! I'm failing already! I gotta think about now and now and now and now and now. Staring at this breadbox is boring. Maybe I should eat something? I am feeling kinda hungry. But I gotta lose weight. I can't eat carbs! All those kids bullied me in school and a reunion is coming up. I'mma show those bastards looking fit and thin. I remember when Johnny & Mandy made fun of me. That really hurt my feelings. It still hurts. I'm so hurt and pissed-off! Ahhh man! I'm screwing-up again! I suck! I gotta think about now and now and now and now!"

What Eckhart Tolle's philosophy leaves out of the "now" equation is confidence & personal empowerment. People are trying to find their confidence and empowerment, and he's like "that's all ego" forget about it and focus on the now as we make ourselves unaccountable dust in fate or destiny's winds.

Confidence is not ego. Confidence is humble. Narciscissim is ego, but narcissicism is not confidence. It took considerable self-confidence for Eckhart Tolle to sit and write the "Power of Now". It took more confidence to send it to publishers where it could be rejected. It took even more confidence to do lectures to empty seats, yet keep pushing oneself to lecture till those seats became filled.

The focus on the "now" had nothing to do with Tolle's ultimate success. Confidence has everything to do with it.

The "Power of Now" is only beneficial if we consider it terms of building self-confidence as it does no good to dwell on how someone hurt you in the distant past and continue to beat yourself up with the echos of their actions and words. It also does no good for one to perpetually live for a magical future and measure one's current circumstances by a future ideal.

Self-confidence recognizes it's past, present, and potential future's imperfections minus the self-abuse. It makes the best of all these things to become a better self, not a perfectly enlightened self. To consider oneself "enlightened" or to even seek holy enlightenment is itself an egotistical endeavor.

When we start seeing ourselves as "enlightened," than we start seeing everyone else as inferior. That's the breeding ground for narcissicism and narcissicistic abuses.

I think Tolle realizes this, but he's so caught in the "spiritual/philosophical" admonishment of the ego, he fails to teach people the importance of confidence and personal empowerment. There is no power in the abstract of "now;" the power is in the person making the best of oneself in the now.

You are the power. The "now" is just the bullshit you are trying to sort through & make the best of while focusing on the pretty colors of a breadbox, or the feeling of soap suds as you wash the dishes.

Ideally, the "now" would be used for meditation that goes within in an attempt to become self-aware, not of one's breath, but of one's own hypocrisies and character flaws that could've contributed to past and present problems and affect one's future as well.

When we start seeing ourselves for the imperfection we all are, than we start having a natural compassion for the imperfection in others. This, too, builds confidence because we realize we're not "lesser-than" or inferior to anyone else. We're all on the same playing field trying to find our way through the game.

Maybe the real "enlightenment" doesn't come from rising above suffering in a mindless focus on the now, but in using the now to realize how everyone suffers in a way that meliminates our self-victimizing rage, hate, and anger and finds compassion for oneself and others?

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

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Survey #232

“i’ve never bought a suit before in my life, but when you go to meet god, you know you wanna look nice.”

Do you have trouble typing when the room is dark? No, I don't look at the keyboard. When’s the last time you had a headache? I had an abomination of a three-day-long headache before my cycle like a week or two back or something. How often do you take surveys? Not as much as I used to now that I actually have school, but occasionally. What did you last write on paper? I think some items to Mom's shopping list? Does anything on your body hurt? No. What do you currently hear? "Bullet" by Hollywood Undead. I can hear cars outside, as well as Bentley biting himself incessantly. Sounds gross. Do you have any goals you’re trying to fulfill? As for in the near future, hopefully - I'd pray if I believed in it by this point - start losing weight again. Grow more in my photography, 1.) because I want this so badly and 2.) there's no way I could handle the stress of school and a "real" job but we're in serious need of money right now. I'd really like to make progress with driving too, but I haven't been able to in months because a headlight in broken, the license plate or whatever is expired, and the car can't pass inspection, so Mom doesn't want me at the steering wheel and get pulled over for it. Being on the borderline poverty line is A BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you ever do the dishes? I'mma be real, real honest here. Not really. Reason being we don't have a dishwasher and I am super queasy actually hand-cleaning dirty dishes, I get frustrated because I feel I don't clean them well enough (being a germaphobe is also fun), and my OCD goes absolutely insane trying to play Tetris with the drying rack thingy. All that being said, it's my least-favorite chore. At your house, does everyone eat together as a family? No. We started to drift apart when I was... maybe a pre-teen? When did you last have butterflies in your stomach? Sara decided she wanted to try making out and I was fucking terrified of going too far or scaring her. Are you independent or dependent? I'm embarrassingly dependent. Who last made you smile? My pup. How did you find Bzoink? Taking surveys for so long. What’s your dream job? If travel and heat weren't considered, a meerkat biologist. Do you brush your teeth twice every day? Just once. Do you have a pool? No. Are the streetlights on? We don't have streetlights on my road. When you wear a hoodie, do you pull the sleeves over your hands? Not unless I'm really cold. Do you trust anyone, besides yourself, fully? Sara. I would say Mom, but I'm entirely aware she's lied and made stories up about Dad. Do you believe the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”? No. I've never really understood this. People change. Are you in any advanced classes at school? I bypassed the freshman English class, yeah. Well, is that considered "advanced?" I don't believe it's like an AP course or anything, but it's not a class I'm supposed to be taking as a freshman, so??? How often do you eat your favorite food? Every once in a while. Have you ever fallen asleep on public transport? (including planes) Probably. What was the last TV show you watched? Uhhhh I think it was all the way back when Colleen and I were still friends and we checked out The Good Doctor. Or it was either Parks and Recreation with Sara and her family or Avatar: The Last Airbender, also with Sara. Where was the last place you went on vacation/holiday to? Who’d you go with? The beach with Colleen, her husband, and their son. Well, does that count since it was only for a day? Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? I don't have a job. What’s your favorite type of donut? It varies between chocolate frosted, glazed, and plain. What do you usually eat for breakfast? If I even eat, it'll probably be like, a meal replacement shake or Pop-Tart. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Surprisingly. When was the last time you went out for dinner? Like at a sit-down restaurant? Hm. I think it was El Tapatio with my mom and Nicole maybe near two months ago. What was the last thing you said to someone else in person? Idr, something to Mom. Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely? Windows. How many times do you call someone on the phone a week? Like zero, usually. Have you cooked anything today? What was it? No. Do you have a lot of cousins? What are their names? Yeah. I'm not sharing all their names on the Internet, and besides, I don't even know most. What does your shampoo smell like? I don’t know. What about the body wash or soap you’re using at the moment? I don't remember, even though I got out of the shower like an hour ago. Any movies you’ve seen recently that you’d recommend to me? No, I barely ever watch movies. Why did you last go see a doctor? The primary reason was for my night terrors. Do you know how to play Minesweeper? No. What was the last thing you bought online? A new heat lamp for my snake Venus. Where do you usually park your car? I don't have a car, but Mom parks in the driveway behind the house. Does your mail get delivered to your house or do you have to collect it? It's put in the mailbox on the other side of the road. Are you more logical or creative? Creative, I'd say. Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you? Usually. How many times a year do you go on vacation? Pretty much never. Can you curl your tongue or do anything else cool with it? I can curl it a little bit, but my snake eyes piercing prevents me from doing it all that well. What was the last job interview you went to? For a deli position at a Food Lion. Got the job, lasted not even two hours. :^) What embarrassing music do you listen to? I'm not really *embarrassed* of any I listen to. Just kinda surprising to admit to some people sometimes. What’s your biggest talent? Writing, I guess? What’s the best gift you ever received? My dog. What fear would you like to overcome? More than ANYTHING? Probably being judged in a negative way or being seen as "weird," and not in a good way. AvPD is a bitch and makes me less open about myself (mostly just irl, but yeah), which I REALLY don't like. Would you rather ride in a hot air balloon or hang-glide? Hm, hang-glide, maybe. I dunno. What habit would you like to break? Procrastinating, lately. Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. I can think of a few, but here's the one that had the most biggest effect on me, I think. There was one time Jason and I were kissing, I told him I loved him, and he whispered, "I love you too, wife," before going back to kissing me. Remembering that still hurts, a lot. I know now us separating was for the better, I don't want someone who doesn't have faith in my strength, just the memories like those from the time I was convinced our love story was a fairy tale are very painful. Just typing it caused a discomfort in my stomach. What’s your worst personality trait? Laziness, probably. Or impulsiveness. Have you ever cheated on a test? No. What’s your favorite karaoke song? I don't sing karaoke. Do you know anyone with two different colored eyes? I don't believe so. What was the last thing you bought for someone else? Sara's anniversary present, which was a pillow that said something along the lines of, "Hug this pillow until you can hug me" or something. Do you like hot fudge sundaes? My fat ass can't even associate with you if you don't like HOT FUDGE SUNDAES????????????? Do you like to sleep a lot? It's funny, I tend to like naps during the day, yet I don't look forward to trying to go to sleep at night. It always takes longer, and there's also the possibility of just waking back up and struggling to fall back asleep for the rest of the night. Is there a garbage can in the room you’re currently in? No. Have you ever been in a class that you thought you were too smart for? I don't think so. Can you type without looking at the keyboard? Yeah. We had a mandatory typing course in middle school, so I learned it exceptionally well. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Who was the last person you apologized to? Maybe Sara? Do you throw things when you’re frustrated? NO. I am very conscious of not expressing my anger with physical violence of any sort. How much do you get paid at your current job? N/A Are your friends mostly older than you or younger than you? I think younger. Would you ever get a pet tarantula? Nah. Do you want to dye your hair? Ugh, you have no idea. What’s your favorite zoo animal? Meerkats, duh. Is there anything in your room you’d be ashamed to show to your parents? I'm VERY self-conscious of my artwork, so I'd be mortified if my mom saw my drawings, even though there's nothing "wrong" with them. I'm just shy about 'em. Have you ever accused someone of cheating when they weren’t? Yeah, hence the end of that day-long relationship. Him cheating was a lie from his insane ex, but at the time, I just believed it, but it was absolutely for the better. He wasn't for me. I really shoulda just listened when my art teacher literally took me aside one day and warned me about him. Wha'd'ya know, he wound up on house arrest or something similar, and who the hell knows what he's done by now. When was the last time you played hide and seek? I played with my niece and nephew some months ago. Don’t you hate when people stare at you? Fuckin' yes. I'm too self-conscious for that shit. Have you ever accidentally caught yourself on fire? Well thank god no. Are you Jewish? No. Does anyone copy the things you do? No. Is your dad still alive? Yes, yay. Have you done anything lately that you instantly felt was a mistake? Possibly. What melts your heart/makes your knees weak? Watching Mark with kids causes me severe physical pain. What would you consider unforgivable? Rape. What are your views on spontaneous human combustion? Freaky. Parasite Eve first made me think "oh shit what if this could actually happen," and I've also watched a Shane Dawson video about it, and the idea of it possibly being a real thing is absolutely terrifying. How many dryer sheets do you put in an average load of laundry? I think Mom uses one or two? I dunno. Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship? No. What is your favorite frozen treat? Ice cream. Do you have a sexual fantasy? ...What is it? There's probably something I could think up. Maybe like bang on a church pew or something lmao idk. Who was the last person to insult you? I'm not sure. What color is your brush/comb/whatever? White. Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when its hot in your room? It is almost entirely impossible. Have you ever purposely given someone wrong directions? No, but then again, it's not like I even give them. I have a horrible sense of direction and don't know street names, highway numbers and locations... What is your favorite thing to do with your best friend? I'm not sure. Everything is fun with her. Are you easily offended? It depends. In most contexts, no. Have you ever acted as tour guide for friends/relatives from out of town? Not really. If you were an anime character, would you be a yandere or a tsundere? HAHAHA I AM PAINFULLY A YANDERE. If you have glasses, do you get days when you don’t feel like wearing them? No, because I like to see. Have you ever played bingo at an actual bingo hall? No. Ha ha, this reminds me tho, I can't recall if he did it once or just WANTED to, but my brother may have gone into one, yelled "BINGO," and immediately left. Did your parents ever collect any magazines they didn’t want you to read? Uhhhh no. I'm quiiiiite sure neither of my parents had those. Have you ever pledged money to a Kickstarter and it reached its goal? No. I probably would if I had excess money and really believed in it, though. Is there a color combination that holds a significance to you? Because Jason's favorite thing in the world was the Joker, seeing purple and bright green together is one I just prefer not to see. I wouldn't call it a PTSD trigger, like I don't freak out about it, it's just like an "ugh ew" sorta thing. If you use Facebook, do you ever look at the Memories page? No. I cringe 90% of the time when they pop up. Do you have a drawer where you just throw some random stuff? No. Have you ever had to provide an alibi for something? No. What’s the funniest shirt that you own? I have a Batman one I'm trying to shrink back into that says something like "I wish I was Batman but I'm poor and hate fighting" & I love it. What is something you absolutely refuse to pay for? Idk off the top of my head. Has a stray/runaway cat or a dog ever followed you home? Cats, I think? If so, what did you do with it? Fed it with the other cats, and I'd assume Mom would've called the owner's number if given. If you could grow a beard or a mustache, would you? I'm a cisgender female so like... Is there a stranger you expect to see every day? No. What is something you take pride in? I'm proud of just how deeply and genuinely I care about people. And my writing and photography, mostly. What does the nicest dish set you own look like? All our dishes are literally the same, and they're ancient. I think they were my grandma's but given to Mom. Pattern's worn and everything. They're ceramic with a floral design. Why did you stop working at the last place you were employed? I absolutely cannot be in a position of responsibility or customer service, and the environment was way too busy. What would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child? I... don't know how I would react? Picturing it, I first feel like I'd be so happy for him, but I KNOW my PTSD would act up at some point shortly after and I would probably end up in a bawling ball (lol "bowling ball" that wasn't intended sorry) because "that was supposed to be me," but then I'd be fine again after I got all that emotion out. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in front of you? Someone at school. You can smoke outside, and it's the one thing I don't like about my college. Are you very close to your siblings? Not nearly as close as I wish we were. How often do you watch the news? Never. Do you have a dishwasher? No. What is the worst lie you’ve ever told? I don't like talking about it. Well, it wasn't a lie, but I stretched the truth because anxiety's a goddamn asshole. Where is the last place you drove to? I drove to, probably home. What is your favorite Disney movie? The Lion King. I may even like the live-action remake more, but I can't say with certainty. Do you have a fan in your room? Yeah. What color is your lampshade? I don't have a lamp. Do you like to wear belts? Not anymore. What is the most expensive electronic in your room? This laptop. Only a year old and yet it's so abused with how much it's used. Are you involved with any charity work? I wish I was in the position where I could, anyway. Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? No. Have you ever hatched an egg? OKAY SO! I remember in elementary school, maybe like 1st grade or something, we incubated a chicken egg and hatched it. I can't remember where it went. Do you chew gum on a daily basis? No, I rarely do. What brand shampoo do you use? Suave. When is the last time you went to an amusement park? Years ago shortly before the breakup with Jason and Dillon. Or Dustin. Whatever his name was. Do you have a garden shed in your backyard? Nope. Are you obsessed with anything? Y'all know I don't know how to love in moderation, not even remotely. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? I hate diet, and the artificial sweetener also gives me serious headaches. Who was the last person you hugged? My mom, maybe? What did you do when you found out Michael Jackson died? We were swimming in the pool while Mom or Dad was grilling, idr. What’s your best friend’s favorite band? Pink Floyd, Evanescence, and Within Temptation. What’s your favorite kind of beer? Never tried it, don't want to. How do you get songs out of your head? Binge it 'til I'm tired of it lmao. Have you seen all the High School Musicals? I've only seen the first two. Do you dress appropriately for your age? I don't know? Probably not? Do "normal" 23-year-olds wear graphic tees? What’s your favorite word? "Serendipity." What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? A serious stomach virus that made me puke all the food I'd eaten since birth. Do you take compliments well? Of course I appreciate them, but I get shy. Are excessive piercings sexy or trashy? Well they're definitely not "trashy," but SERIOUSLY excessive ones, I don't usually find attractive. But it really depends on the person, the size, and where. What do you put on toast? Cinnamon, sugar, and butter. The Southern cinnamon toast. Have you ever watched Fear Factor? I LOVED it when I was younger, and I still enjoy it if I happen to see it. Joe Rogan was one of my earliest crushes, too. How many songs do you have on iTunes? Over 1k. What song reminds you of summer? MAN I remember as a kid, back when I liked country, my sisters and I loved "When The Sun Goes Down" by Kenny Chesney. Big summer vibes. Has a bird ever flown into your window? OH WOW I don't think so, but I do remember one flew into the car's grill when I was very young and going on a trip. Safe to say it died.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

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fanficireadandrecommend · 7 years

Text

Reader-insert

The depressed Reader hides out in the Bunkers garage.

You've been sitting in the same spot for at least an hour, dwelling on but not showing your thoughts.

While Sam occupied the library hours ago and Dean was indulging in his beer stock in the kitchen you were sitting on the floor of the garage. Somewhere in the back between the cars Dean hadn't checked up on yet.

The deserted cars. The one no one had cared about in years… you felt like it was your place to be there, among abandoned stuff which needed too much care to be useful immediately. Like you.

Yea, sure, the Winchesters also needed a shrink and you were pretty sure Sam had somehow managed to get his hands on anti-depressants and probably some way to cope with his PTSD…

As you shifted slightly, to reach the yet unopened beer bottle, an ache shot thru your entire body. Startling you. Yup, the floor hadn't been good on you, your gangling legs or your back which was appearently tense for the last few years now.

Determined to get your beer you stretched again.

"You sure 'bout that?", a voice interrupted you, making you aware you had just overheard the flutter of wings.

"Hell yeah", you grabbed the bottle and ripped of the cap, not caring your hand was still wounded from the latest hunt.

"Listen, kiddo, I won't poke in on your brain but -"

You interrupted th Trickster, "Wouldn't recommend that anyway, don't want you to catch something, do we?"

Gabriel's smirk faltered and the so far hidden concern flickered to the surface before he schooled it into neutrality.

"Come on, you know I've been poking at Sam's brain, that's been literal hell."

"Sure. As if I don't know I'm not even worth the pity", you gulped down half the beer at once.

Gabriel raised an eyebrow at you, "You don't wanna listen, huh? Then talk!"

Scoffing you pointed your beer at him, "Why would I? Your mate is in the library and I'm keeping you from him as it is, go have some fun with the bookworm." There was no heat to it but you meant it none the less.

"Really now? Kiddo, you're a part of this flock too! And as I see it you're the closest we have to a fledgling", he teased.

Throwing a bitchface his way you took another sip for your beer, the booze-induced numbness slowly rearing its head, "Just cuz I'm younger than the fabulous Winchesters doesn't make me a fledgling. You ancient goldilocks."

The archangel smirked at that, "At least there's still fire, not just some hot piece of ass, over there."

"Oh fuck off", you rolled your eyes.

"Not until you talked to me, little grasshopper", he snatched your bottle and shook the barely mentionable remainder of the drink.

"Little? I've got at least two inches on you. Short stack!"

"Not where it matters", he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, making you roll your eyes. Actually, you decided, miming to puke was just as clear a response.

"No need for that info!", you crossed your arms and finally streched out your legs, back still aching against the hard wall behind you.

A snap and something soft was between you and the unforgiving cold surface, "Now let's start this pillow talk and maybe you'll get your beer back."

With a glare you let your head fall back against the wall, just to discover a pillow hindering you from the hard impact you had wanted.

"Okay, so… life sucks. Our lives in particular", you shrugged, still focused on the ceiling. "Can I get my beer now?"

"You do know you aren't even legal drinking age in the US, right?", his tone was teasing but that didn't matter, it made you snap anyway.

"I know! I fucking know, okay? I ain't shit, damn it! And of course I fucking know! I can't drive despite having a license, because I never happen to drive. I am supremely shitty in combat. I ain't as codependent as those idiots but only because there never was a person caring enough about me! So I'm a mess on my own! Thank you very much for pointing that out! And also for calling me out as the weak and pathetic member of this flock! As if I didn't already know I occupy more space and resources than I'm worth", your rant came to a halt when a warm hand made contact with your arm.

No low whistle. No scoffing. Not even a "you got a lotta issues, kiddo". Just a touch. And that was more than enough to truely wreck you.

"You know what? I'mma get outta y'alls hair first thing tomorrow morning", you were still calm, just huffing in annoyance at yourself and looking to the side.

"You won't", Gabriel smiled at you and squeezed your arm, "we all are broken in here and just because you aren't as fit or trained or muscled as those knuckleheads doesn't mean you aren't strong. And definitely doesn't mean you aren't needed. And even then you'd still be wanted, you know?" He looked at you in question before sliding closer and wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

"You are a part of this flock and we all know how messed up it gets with all of us." Still reluctant to listen to him for real you scoffed again and turned away.

"Hey, kiddo, listen. I am pretty much older than dirt… I know you don't watch Doctor Who despite Charlie bugging you but… well", you felt him shrug,

"gotta admit the Doctor had a point when saying they never met anyone not important. Trust me, you aren't as useless as you think."

Snorting you shrugged his arm off, "Sure but even if I'm just 80% as useless as I think that's still plenty, you know?"

"Kiddo", it was clear he was losing patience, "do I need to play the angel-of-the-lord-knows-it-all card?"

"Oh please, why would there be anything to be known about me, huh? I. Ain't. Shit." You were determined to drive that point across.

"Okay, you know what? I've had it!", instead of storming out or disappearing… he drew you closer and hugged you. "Stop bullshitting yourself and … now, I'd say grow the hell up but you are too mature for your own good so… you get what I mean, right?"

"Yea, just another bad thing 'bout me", you murmured barely audible.

"Do i need to knock you out or what before you finally listen to me?"

"What do you think I was planning on doing with freaking eighteen bottles of beer?", you shot back.

Sighing heavily he wrapped both arms around you and forced you into an embrace, "I get you want someone to shout at but why don't you try to finally talk to me?"

Swallowing thickly you sighed, "If I must… it's just… I'm breaking. I'm crumbling under all the stuff I carry around but I literally can't stop loading more onto myself. I get worse every day, put new tasks atop the old ones, fail to do either, get worse… eat, sleep, repeat. And don't even think about telling me I overdramatize! I know that and still can't stop."

Another jolt of pain shot thru you when you twisted your wrist just the slightest, "And I am in no condition to be a hunter… as untrained and lazy as I am."

Gabriel hummed in agreement, "That's why you are a person of letters. That's why we all assign you tasks we know you will manage. That's why we watch your back and keep you save from yourself."

You knew what was coming before he liftet your arm and shoved back the sleeve to reveal your scars. You scoffed and tried getting your arm back; useless.

"I won't heal that because I get you", he leaned his head on yours, making you struggle against his embrace again.

Finally he let go of you and you managed to shove yourself away from him,

"Why are you of all people putting up with me?", you glared.

"Would you rather have Cas find you?"

The bitchface you threw him was obligatory, "He got better at that whole human thing but no."

"Dean?"

"I could use someone telling me to man-up", you shot back. Gabriel's raised eyebrow made you track back, "Yea, okay, no."

"Charlie?"

"Jittery much? Nope, I mean, sure, she's good for cheering me up but that's distraction and nothing else."

"Sam?"

You glared at Gabriel, "He'd get me and likely respect my boundaries. Wouldn't need to be told to f off so many times, you ancient burdock."

Gabriel actually grinned at that, "Come on, you love me!"

"Wrong depressed bookworm, Sam's still in the library", you couldn't help but scoff and smirk before looking away.

"See, that's my little one!", he smirked warmly and finally handed you your once again full beer bottle, grabbing one for himself, "promise me to get shut eye after this one, yea?"

"Uh-huh", you sounded sarcastic but both of you knew you'd listen to him.

"And promise me to talk to someone, yea? I'm here, no matter Depression, intrusive thoughts, self-hatred or self-pity… living as long as I have I know it all first hand", when he lifted his arm invitingly you only hesitated for a moment before leaning against his side.

"Just… take care, okay? You aren't as bad as you think and more badass than you think."

#my writing #please critique #please be honestly mean #be mean to me #i know its shit #fanfic by me #mine #original writing #gabriel SPN #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fic #spn #depression #i actually regret writing this already because i feel like insulting SPN and proper fanfic #mental illness

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darklingichor · 8 years

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I listened to Maude by Donna Foley Mabry

If anyone stumbling across this wants to read this book, bail now ‘cause I'mma going to spoil the fuck out of it.

First, here’s what it is about. The author’s grandmother use to tell her stories about her life. It wasn’t an easy life and it was pretty eventful starting before the turn of the last century through two world wars and The Depression. The book is a life story with the story of history as a backdrop. It sounded like my kind of story. It turned out very depressing but not every story has a happy ending so that didn’t bother me. The style was simple but it fit the no nonsense character of Maude who tells the story. I liked it.

In a nutshell, Nola Maude Clayborn is born 1892 in a small town in Tennessee. When she was seven, her parents die in a house fire. Maude is with her pregnant older sister Helen and her husband when their parents’ house burns down so she lives. The shock seems to send Helen into early labor and her son is stillborn. Maude moves in with her sister and brother-in-law and keeps the house while her sister recovers. A couple of years go by and Helen gets pregnant again. This time the baby, a girl, lives. Soon the house becomes too small for everyone and 14 year old Maude marries James Connor, an 18 year old boy that was courting her. They move into a small cabin on his parents’ property. Maude is happy with James and she soon becomes pregnant and has a little girl they name Lulu. James is trying to break into professional baseball and when Maude is 16 the whole family goes to watch him play a game between their town’s team and another town’s team. A scout is going to be there so James is hopeful. He gets hit with a hard pitch in the head and dies.

James’ father dies not long after and that leaves his mother, Maude and Lulu. Maude doesn’t want to marry again as she can’t imagine loving another man. She helps her mother-in-law by sewing and doing laundry. She’s a talented seamstress so her services do bring in a little money.

Years pass and Lulu is ten and Maude is 26 when a friend’s brother (named George) comes to town and starts calling on Maude. He’s nice enough and takes her on a buggy ride but she’s not interested.

The problem with that buggy ride was that they were unchaperoned - a big deal in the early 1900’s and although nothing happened on that ride, she has to marry him or be shunned by the whole town.

So George’s sister bullies him into proposing, they are married and she and Lulu pack up and move to Missouri to live with his evil mother.

Seriously she’s evil. She hates Maude on sight and doesn’t hide it. George has a spine the consistency of melting Jell-O and is lazy to boot so he’s no help. When Maude gets pregnant George’s mother changes her tune toward her but only until the baby is born. Literally the minute Maude’s son is born, the old bat takes him without letting Maude hold him and leaves Maude (who is bleeding) the to just lie there. Lulu comes to check on her and Maude sends her to get their neighbor, a friend named Clara. Clara feeds her and cleans her up. The first time Maude holds her son - whom she will discover later George’s mother already named William - is when she needs to feed him. Not surprising considering the trauma of the experience and the hours it took for Maude to even touch her son, she doesn’t feel that bonded to him. She keeps the name William but adds James as his middle name hoping to foster a connection. George’s mother pretty much takes over William’s (who Lulu and Maude call Bud) care. Then once Bud can eat on his own she pushes Maude down the stairs and tells her in pretty plain language that she wants her dead and won’t stop till she is gone. George won’t do anything and just tells Maude to be careful. It was already established that George’s mother likely killed George’s father.

Luckily, the Spanish Flu epidemic comes through town and kills off the old woman. Unfortunately it also kills Lulu. She went to bed fine but was dead in the morning. From here I can get more general although the story is still interesting but this is going to be super long as it is.

Maude sinks into a depression but recovers after a few months. She doesn’t have to worry about being killed but George is still lazy as fuck and it is frustrating for her. She ends up having more kids. First Gene then Betty Sue, She bonds with these two but when she gets pregnant again she isn’t happy and is really resenting George. Paul’s birth is hard and she doesn’t bond with him.

Years go on. Bud joins the army Gene starts working with a forestry program. The Depression hits, George loses his job and the last four in the house have to move to Detroit to live with George’s sister and her husband.

George gets a job and his sister threatens him into keeping it. They are able to rent a house next door.

It comes to light that Paul probably has a learning disability but George won’t allow anyone to help him. Maude always refers to Paul as being “Not right”. As do many other people

Gene gets hurt on the job and has to move home. Years pass.

Betty Sue gets married to a drunk

Her husband and Paul become drinking buddies

Bud is killed when he falls off of an army truck

Betty Sue is killed by hit and run driver.

Maude catches George cheating and divorces him

Gene marries a pregnant woman ( the author’s mother) who hates Maude. Gene raises the baby as his own even after he and her mother split up. Maude helps raise her and treats her as she would treat any grandchild.

Maude marries again at some point. Gene dies, I don’t remember how.

One day Paul asks Maude for money, she refuses he steals all of the money she had saved away and some keepsakes she had managed to keep. Maude dies the next day. Depressing but compelling.

Now, a weird habit of mine is that when I become interested in something I tend to find every scrap of information I can. I did this after I finished “Maude”.

The author does say that parts of the story are fictionlized but much of it was based off of the stories she was told. After my research I think that this was classified as “non-fiction” by the same person who keeps putting “Memoirs of a Geisha” in the non-fiction section of Goodwill.

Now, first off, I don’t really have sophisticated research sites at my disposal and just plain Google can be wrong so if someone has resources that are better than mine, then by all means correct me as the following is not meant to show ANY disrespect to Maude or her life. It is simply my view on how the book was written and how the book and the research made me feel. Cites listed at the bottom.

What I could find:

Maude’s first husband James died of consumption and not head trauma caused by a baseball. Also James Connor is actually listed as being David Walker Warren. Their daughter is listed as Lula Helen Warren and she died of “pernicious malaria” not the Spanish Flu. I can sort of understand these changes as records are sometimes wrong, and it does seem like the site is a little like a memorial Wikipedia, but it does have a lot of detail. The author herself said she didn’t remember all of the names that her grandmother told her. As for James’ death, artistic license is understandable.

What pushed me over the edge was all of these little things and Paul, her youngest son.

He is listed in a 1940 census along with Maude, George and the rest of their children but other than that he just seems to disappear. He’s not even listed among her children on the one site I could find about her grave. Considering that, after considerable foreshadowing, he becomes the villan of the book, I wonder how fictionlized he is.

That and the other errors sort of made me doubt how much I liked this book.

I find it hard to believe that the author could have gotten the name of the first husband wrong considering that James/David seems to have been the love of Maude’s life.

While dramatic licence could explain the cause of death discrepancy it makes me wonder why. Consumption is a dramatic enough death, why brain him with a baseball?

The differences in Lulu’s cause of death could have been a mistake on someone’s part or some cultural thing that I am not aware of but it is odd.

However, all of this and then Paul being such a hazy figure and also being the bad guy on a story that really didn’t need one (I mean a woman who buried a husband and four of her five children, sad. A woman who had to do this and be forced into a loveless second marriage with a lay about and living through The Depression? Tragic! No need to have a bad guy) makes me think that if Paul was a jackass, the author made him worse to punch up the story and to tie the bow.

Then I started thinking that the same can be said for all the other changes.

She changed the cause of James/David’s death so that the game he loved so much killed him.

She changed his name so that Maude could try to foster a bond between herself and her second child - William James. She couldn’t very well use that plot element when Bud’s birth name doesn’t include “David”.

It makes much more of a dramatic statement for Lulu to be taken by an epidemic sweeping through the country. She also dies suddenly like her father. One minute healthy, the next, gone. One moment happy, the next, lost. Just like the contented life Maude had before being made to marry George.

Neat little plot bows, neat little symbolic bows. Too neat.

If these were the stories that Maude told the author then, okay. But it seems much more likely that Donna Foley took a compelling story and fictionalized it to the point of melodrama. To me, this made the story lose power. I would have respected the author more if she’s taken fewer liberities. The whole Paul plot could be spot on, it was just foreshadowed so early it caused me to speculate. It also seems a little tasteless to change names and causes of death just to make a “better” story especially when the author was writing about her own family. Sources https://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=140670720 https://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=175465012 http://www.archives.com/1940-census/maude-foley-mi-122700316

#Maude #Donna Foley Mabry #criticism #books

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

Text

Survey #194

“i’m numb to the pleasure but still feel the pain.”

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? Yeah. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid? I believe I first had those Flintstones ones, then later Mom got the gummy type. Have you ever gone to court? Only to explain to a judge why I thought my scheduled month-long stay in the psych hospital was unnecessarily long for my state. I was convinced all I needed to do was talk to Jason and boom, my problems would be gone. Safe to say, I was delusional. Glad I won that battle though considering I loathe that hospital for their extreme lack of therapy and activities to keep us occupied and out of our own heads. I was committed there I think five times and no stay did jack-shit. Are you friends with your neighbors? No. How long has it been since you’ve seen The Lion King? Years. But bitch when that live action remake comes out I'mma be the very first hoe at that theater. Have you ever had a crush on your siblings friend? No. What's the longest amount of time you’ve been on an airplane without changing flights? However long the flight to Michigan was. What’s the best wedding you’ve been to? My former dance instructor's. What time did you wake up this morning? Like, 7. What are you doing this weekend? There's no difference in weekends and weekdays for me. I'm sure I'm doing nothing. What’s your favorite Disney movie? TLK. Do you wear colored contacts? No, but honestly I'd love more sapphire blue ones if they're a prescription and not just cosmetic. Who was the last person you went to the movies with? I think Mom? Or did I go with Dad later? When’s the last time you spent time with your cousins? I haven't seen Robby since '15, but Audrey passed through with my uncle sometime last year. My other cousins, hell if I know. Why did you fall for the last person romantically? Good Lord, that's an essay. Just more than anything, I think it was the fact that she cares so deeply about animals and people alike and is passionate about what's right and wrong. Can you speak in a different language conversationally? If so, which language? I could maybe manage a very simple German convo? Do you ever fear falling asleep? No, but I do rather frequently don't look forward to it, or at least the process of falling asleep. I don't go quickly. What’s the last thing you had to eat? A bagel. Would you rather eat all day or exercise all day? I don't believe you physically could eat all day? And exercising, I'm assuming you'd eventually pass out? But let's be hypothetical. I'd have to choose exercise, I care way too much about not gaining weight. Does one eye tend to be weaker than the other? Yes, my right is considerably worse. What do you think of guys who ask girls out over via text message or internet? It's definitely not my preferred method, but do it if you don't have the courage to in person/just can't for whatever reason. Have you ever had a churro? I believe I have? If I'm remembering the correct treat, it was unbelievably too sweet and I didn't like the crunch. What’s one thing you like about your town? The town itself is real old-fashioned and small. Did you believe that alcohol is more dangerous then weed? I know it is. Do you drink more apple or orange juice? Orange. Are you a fan of the Grand Theft Auto series? Never played, but I highly doubt I'd enjoy it. Do you like the beach? If it wasn't for the wind, blistering heat, and sand. So basically, I don't. I only like being in the ocean. Do you or did you have a curfew at one point? No. Well, correction, if it was a school night before high school and I was out with a friend, I'm sure Mom established something, but idr. Do you peel the wrappers off of plastic bottles? No. What do you think is the youngest age someone should lose their virginity? No younger than 16. But at any age, be. Smart. Have you ever played Super Smash Brothers? I think at friends' as a kid? What do you like on your sundaes? Like, just chocolate syrup lmao. Have you done anything productive today? Well, I exercised some. Do you believe in abstaining from sex until marriage? What I care about is waiting for a person you feel truly in love with. I actually feel like abstaining could be a bad idea, as I'd assume for some people, the desire to have sex would play a factor in them wanting to get married, so marriage could potentially be rushed for the sake of that when you're not adequately prepared in other areas. What is your sexual orientation? Bi. Do you put your name on your food coverings? If I was using a fridge at a job or whatever, yeah, but I'm not in that type of situation. What is something you have acquired with age? Open-mindedness. Would you ever go out in public sporting pajamas? Depends on where I'm going. Have you ever ridden in a race car? No. Do you enjoy history? No. Have you ever changed religions? Twice. Is there anyone to whom you are afraid to stand up to? Mom. And pretty much everyone else. Do you like making lists? Sometimes. Do you play sports with your siblings? Never di- oh wait, Mom signed all three of us up for cheerleading as little kids. Hated it. Are there stairs in your house? No. Do you like onions on your burger? A small amount of minced pieces is fine. Could you ever give yourself a shot? Yeah. What is your favorite room to clean? I get the most satisfaction out of cleaning my own. Do you enjoy cleaning? Not the process of it, just the feeling afterwards. What do you consider your ideal weight? My /ideal/ would be around 120 again, but I'd be happy enough between 130-140. How many pounds do you need to lose (or gain) to be your ideal weight? LET US NOT What is your favorite thing about Valentine’s Day? Just it being a celebration of love, which to me, goes beyond just romantic. I think people should spend a little extra effort in letting one another know they really love each other. Now I believe every day you should treat people with love, but seriously focus on it and be thankful for those you have. If you wear one, what color is your wristwatch? N/A Have you ever made a pair of earrings? No. Who did you inherit your hair color from? I actually think Dad? Going through family pictures after Grampa died, I found out he was actually born dirty-blonde (I've only known him with black), like I was. Pretty sure Mom's was always brown. Have you ever wished that you were born in a different era? Woulda loved being born in the mid-early '80s. Do you prefer soft rock or hard rock? ....... I read "rock" as in like, minerals. And I was. Very confused. High on the list of my dumbest readings. Anyway, definitely hard. What was the best time of your life? As a kid. Do you prefer sunny or cloudy weather? Partly cloudy. How do you like your potatoes? For most of my life I only liked them as fries or as potato skins w/ cheese and bacon bits, but I'm gradually branching out. I like baked potatoes split with cheese and bacon inside too, and Sara's mom exposed me to the very first time I enjoyed mashed potatoes, yeet. So those have to be made a very specific, non-clumpy way. I also like hash browns, but not the shredded kind. Oh yeah, I live for the fiesta potatoes at Taco Bell too like gd good shit. Who’s your best friend? My babygirl. <3 If you don't count her, it'd be my mom, but if she's excluded too being family, I don't really have a best friend. Maybe Girt, idk. What’s a TV show you never miss? I don't watch any shows regularly. The one and only situation where I'd watch every episode ASAP is if Meerkat Manor came back. Have you ever lied about your gender? No. What are you planning on doing on your next birthday? Go out to eat with family, and though unlikely, getting a tattoo would be awwwesome. Do you know anyone else with your last name other than family? I don't think so? Is your favorite band still together? I actually just looked it up because I really wanted to know, and his band's still going, apparently! I thought this coming tour ("No More Tours 2") was the end, but apparently it's just the finale of his world tours. Where do you see most of your concerts? I've only been to one, which was in Raleigh. That's the most likely place we'd go to, though. Have you ever had escargot? Never in my life will I try it. Do you use Google every day? No. What was the last new food you tried that you thought was delicious? Oh my god in Heaven. So, for Christmas, my sis made these hot chocolate cream balls things she found on Pinterest, and literally, maybe the best thing I'd ever had. I just barely had enough discipline to not eat more than one lol. If you could invent a new holiday, what month would you put it in? Hm. Idk. Have you ever had a bedroom with a specific theme? No, I don't think so. If you had to design a room with a theme, what theme would you choose? Gothic, maybe with lil bits of pastel goth for some more personality. What was the best thing that ever happened to you? Realizing I can't just give my entire life to a person, losing any control over it myself. You have to allow yourself to be free; do not chain yourself to a single person. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? No. One, I don't have a source of income, and two, I'm perfectly aware what probably 99% do with it, especially because of my mom, who's pretty much made friends with the homeless on the side of the road, has learned each and every one use drugs or alcohol, so instead she buys them food frequently. That's something I would want to do, but I'm so paranoid of strangers, especially desperate ones, harming me for whatever reason that I probably never will. Do you like your hair better long or short? SHORT. OH MY GOOOOOD CUTTING MY HAIR SHORT WAS ONE OF MY BEST DECISIONS. Have you ever designed your own Facebook timeline cover? Yeah. What is one site that closed down that you wish would come back? Hmmmm. I don't really know. Well, the Animal Planet site still exists, but I wish there was still a dedicated MM section, y'know, with the forums and games and such. Really think it'd be nice if they kept little sections for all of their classic, better-known shows for old fans. Hell, I'm pretty sure MM was their most successful, why not keep remnants of it up there? Do you ever watch TV shows on YouTube? Rarely, if I ever watch a show. Foo Fighters vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Not a real fan of either, but I'd have to choose the former as I enjoy at least two of their songs. Have your parents ever complained about your hair? My mom was reeeaaally shocked and distressed when she arrived at the parlor when I got the "big" haircut and saw how much was gone (eight inches), but only because she was scared I'd hate it. Thankfully she really liked it when it was all said and done. Are you a fan of the Saw movies? Never really watched 'em. How did you decide on your Tumblr name? I'm a sucker for alliteration, and it's a survey blog. Do your friends have the complete opposite music taste as you? My closer friends, not really, actually. Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? I don't know any of my half-siblings' ages, and I forget how old Ashley is sometimes. I forget frequently if she's two or three years older than me. Do you tend to walk places more than drive? Ha, you can't walk to a destination here in the country. I only ever ride/rarely drive anywhere. Do you have any photos of you kissing someone? Yes. Do you ever hang out with your ex? Rarely with Girt. Would you like the ability to read minds? No, especially if you can't choose when it's "on" or "off." Even if you only choose when you do it, idk. Just... doesn't seem like a safe idea. Do you see the same people everyday? Lol that's usually just my mom, and yes. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Are you mad at anyone right now? No. It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, what do you do? Almost a guarantee I won't hear, considering it's on vibrate. Now if I did for whatever reason, ignore it unless it's a contact on my phone. Have you ever fallen backwards on a chair? I believe so, playing as a kid. Last time you laughed so hard you cried? I'm not sure, but considering I do that easily... Who last talked about kissing you? Sara. Who was the last thing/person you took a picture with? My kiiiitty. Did you speak to your father today? No. Would you ever get gauged ears? Definitely no. What aren’t you looking forward to? I really don't mean to sound all emo and whatnot, but I genuinely don't look forward to like every afternoon/early evening, as that's around when I hit my extreme boredom decline, which goes so low I feel death could maybe be more exciting. I am in no way suicidal, I just want this era of isolation, lack of purpose, and no progress towards a great future to end. My life's been at a stand-still for pretty much a year. Would you rather get your tongue or lip pierced? I already have both done. I find my snake eyes way cuter, but when I consider my outward appearance and what people generally see, I'd rather have my labret. What is your favorite personality trait? Kindness. What is the most romantic thing a significant other could do? Idk, but something with deep personal meaning for sure. When you are dating someone, what is the most important thing to you? There has to be a mutual, serious care for our relationship; my partner has to understand I'm not in for a fling. We both have to have the goal of forming and maintaining a healthy, long-lasting, meaningful relationship. If I feel being together is a game to you or just for a couple months of a bit of fun, bye. Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn’t feel it? No. Well, I do with my mom if she's pissed me off and I *feel* like I don't, but I know I do. If you were engaged, would you want a wedding as soon as possible? Not necessarily. I believe engagement is a stage where you're certain you want to get married in the not-so-distant future, but you have other important things to take care of first, like for example, buying a home and stuff like that. When in a relationship do you have to have contact with your partner on a daily basis? I wouldn't freak the hell out if you couldn't talk to me for a day, but I'd definitely want at least a little conversation, especially if we're serious. Do you believe in moving in together before engagement or marriage? Yes. You should know how you're going to handle being with your s/o every single day. Did you ever give a hickey to the last person you kissed or you guys didn’t go that far? Not yet. Is there anyone you want to come see you? Yeah. What was the last thing you saw that scared you? A video of this guy with his giant pet centipede like an idiot (super venomous) crawling all over him. Centipedes creep me the hell out, although at the same time I find them kinda cool. Is there something that’s happened today that you don’t want to ever go through again? No. Is the last person you kissed attractive? Yeah. Do you feel bored with your life? I think I've covered this enough. Who’s someone you miss that you haven’t talked to in years? Megan, more than anyone. Do you have severe withdrawals from medications? I don't think any were ever severe, but I was weaned off of them all I believed. Just honestly I've been on so many since 6th grade that I can't recall each one's ending. I only recall having shadow hallucinations when I was coming off one. What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? Let's not talk about the subject I'm more bitter about than anything else in the entire world. Summary: Don't touch Abilify even if your fucking life depended on it. Do you have a doctor you can trust? My psychiatrist and therapist, very much so. I've only seen my new general doctor twice, so I can't make a fair judgment of her. Mom has a friend who sees her though, and she only has positive things to say about her. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? No. What do you miss about high school? A social life. Art class. What do you miss the most about college? Literally the one and only part I enjoyed at my first college was lunchtime, because Jason and I could spend time together, sometimes with his friends. Second college, nothing. It was online. Have you ever been the victim of a crime? I don't believe so? Is your life worse than you could have ever have imagined it to be? Or is it better, or just what you expected? Ohhhh man... As a kid, I was so sure I'd be amazing. Still had a bit of hope in middle school. High school and beyond, it's, so far, worse than I'd planned. What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? Mountains. Driving through them is unreal. What is one place you have always wanted to visit? Idk about "always." But for the longest amount of time, it's been without a doubt South Africa. Who were your favorite celebrities as a child? Steve Irwin was and still is one of my absolute heroes. I loved Jeff Corwin, Jesse McCartney, Raven Symone, and the Sprouse twins, too. Do you prefer slow songs or fast songs? I'd say generally, faster. What color is your trash can? White. Who was your favorite family pet when you were growing up? We didn't really have a "family" pet, just ones one of us individually were particularly close to. I'd say the closest that qualifies would be Chance, our first cat. She was special. List five of your favorite YouTubers. You Already Know, GameGrumps, Shane Dawson, Daniel Howell, and Jeffree Star, but. I have so many jsfaqoweuoapsf. I wanna squeeze Rhett and Link in there, but while I still love them as people and creators, I've been losing interest in GMM over the months. What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. I also love ravens though for their intelligence and personalities. What pet names do you use with your significant other? A lot, but I'd say either "sweetheart/sweetie" or "dear" are most common from me. I think. How would you describe your sense of humor? Sarcastic, I guess. Have you ever been a member in a band? No. Well, except school band. Have you ever watched yourself on video? Yeeaah, senior project was fun. But I know how I usually am well enough to say I honestly don't feel I did badly. Have you ever missed a flight? Yup. Never go to the O'Hare airport, jfc. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? Yes, and I hope to see the one this Sunday! Are you still in touch with your best friend from high school? No. Any animals whose behaviors you find particularly interesting? AHHHHHHH SO MANY!!!!! Social species' above all. Do you like animals better than most humans? Yes. What simple things in life bring you the most joy? Long car rides when I can play my iPod through the speakers and just go to another world. Sara singing, hearing my mom laugh. Seeing old couples holding hands in public kills me. How did you meet your significant other (if you have one)? YouTube. How did you meet your best friend? She's the same person as above. Are you friends with anybody you didn't like at first? Also see Sara lmao. Are there any musicians you didn't like at first, but grew on you? The first/most recent to come to mind is In This Moment. Is there anything you used to love, but now dislike? Peas as a kid. I'm kinda on the fence of liking or disliking PewDiePie as he is now (although I haven't watched too much of his newer content). Do you have any favorite books you'd like to have signed by the author? It'd be pretty cool for Ozzy to sign my copy of his autobiography, sure. Do you enjoy any of those old black and white horror films? Any one I've ever seen has been horrid, so I haven't seen many. What is your favorite yogurt topping? I loved those ones that had M&Ms in them. Where do you shop the most: Kmart, Target, Walmart, Fred Meyer, or other? Walmart or Harris Teeter. Have you ever done a craft project you saw on Pinterest? No. What beverages do you drink that contain caffeine? Soda. What has been the best experience you've had in a church? Uhhh. Oh, Jason's brother's wedding. Do you prefer that your nachos be spicy or not spicy? Obviously spicy. Have you ever had a kiss that felt magical? Mine and Jason's first was cute, but I don't recall if I thought it was "magical" because all I was focusing on was just how shy I was. First kiss with Sara was definitely more than special. Who is your best online friend? Sara once again. Who knows more about you: online friends or offline? Online, easily. Do you think that love makes people irrational? It can. What book, movie, or TV show did you find to be total garbage? Oh, I'm positive there's something, but nothing comes to mind. Is there a topic that is a sore-spot for you? Mental health and how it may affect your loved ones. Have you ever lost a friend over a guy/girl? Pretty much. Have you ever lost a friend because of a lifestyle change? Yup. Do you like kissing? The right person. What location holds the most memories for you? My childhood home. Hypothetically let’s just say you’re a supervillain. What’s your agenda? What are you trying to destroy and why? I would never want to be, but I suppose the most suitable for me would be punishing the person to break a promise somehow. Why, because I know just how agonizing broken promises can be. What’s your go-to topic when making small talk with others? How their day's been. When you get to be in charge of the tunes on a road trip or party - do you play what you want to hear or tailor the playlist to what you think the other people in the car/room want to hear? I do a mix of both. Thankfully, Mom and I like most of the same music, but I do learn what songs she doesn't like and avoid playing them unless I really wanna hear it. You have any bad habits you shamelessly don’t care to or plan to quit? Shamelessly, idk about that. There’s an app for everything. What apps consume the most of your time and energy? Facebook. The most overrated thing ever - what is it? I literally judge you if you have a bigass, obnoxiously loud truck. Compensating for something? The most underrated? Ummmm. Talking about pointless shit and doing nothing while enjoying your favorite person's presence is surely one. What’s something you find unconventionally romantic? Teaching your s/o how to play a game together and you both are enjoying it asjfaoswuw. One of my most cherished memories with Jason was that with Little Big Planet. Just in general I find it super cute to share what you love with each other.

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