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crocheting-cupio · 8 months

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"Do I Have A Crush?" Quizzes as an Aromantic

In a previous post I had mentioned that I love taking "do I have a crush?" quizzes as an Aromantic. What I didn't share in that post was all of my findings from taking basically every quiz on that topic I could find. This is gonna be a bit of a long one, but I hope it will be an enlightening one!

Being an aro and taking these quizzes is pretty interesting. Because I do get plushes, which for me share some qualities with crushes, but are a completely different experience as a whole. For lack of a better equivalent, I have used my plushes while taking these quizzes. This will become relevant later on.

Anyway, here are my findings:

1. The target demographic for these quizzes is teenage girls. Well, the majority of online quizzes are intended for teenage girls. But these ones are especially designed for teenage girls. It's often painfully obvious by the way they are written, the answers available, and the scenarios provided. About crushes specifically though, this makes sense. Most people have their first crush during their teenage years. So the next logical step is to be curious about these new feelings and take an online quiz to figure out what's going on. Why only girls, though? Hard to say. It could be because they assume boys generally feel more confident in their romantic interest and thus would have no need for such a thing. Worth noting it was very hard to find a TRULY gender inclusive quiz. There's tons of wlm and wlw, but almost nothing for mlw or mlm. And if you're nonbinary or your crush is nonbinary, good fucking luck. The vast majority of them rely on some sort of gender stereotype. So many of these are clearly written from the perspective that you are a cishet woman interested in a cishet man. In multiple quizzes I have actually found typos where instead of using they/them, they accidentally use he/him in one question, almost like it had been up for a few years, then someone edited it later and missed one. A freudian slip if I ever saw one.

2. Practically all of them assume you are currently attending high school I understand that this is the time when most people get their first crush... but there are people who only crush on celebrities and fictional characters until they are an adult. This is not an extremely uncommon occurrence. So as you can imagine, there are a lot of questions that ask about how you interact with this person at school. Usually the addition of "or at work" feels like an afterthought. Some quizzes I've come across don't even consider that an adult might be taking the quiz. Like the question just openly states that you are at school.

3. They frequently assume that your crush is NOT someone in your friend group. This is probably the most interesting one to me personally. Because I myself cannot get a plush on someone until I've known them as a friend for at least three months. And I know plenty of non-aro people that need to get to know someone as a friend before developing romantic feelings. It's just... such an oddly specific assumption, y'know? They don't even consider that maybe this person is already in your friend group (unless you are talking specifically "do I have a crush on my best friend" quizzes). They just doesn't consider that the way you feel about someone can change over time. It's love at first sight or you will never feel that way about that person, I guess. (I think this is more teenager shenanigans. Because "am I about to enter a relationship with an abusive guy" doesn't appear to be the concern. Just that both or either friend group might not approve...?)

4. They generally assume your crush is a stranger or someone you do not know very well. Related to the previous one, this one is kind of weird to me. I understand the concept of love at first sight, but these are "do I have a crush" quizzes, not "is this love at first sight" quizzes. Almost every quiz I took had a least one question that assumed you had fallen in love with someone you have never spoken to. And often for answers on other questions instead of including an "I'm on the fence for how I feel about this person" option in the answers, which would be pretty logical to include, they have an option that says "N/A because I don't actually know them." However, the "do I have a crush on my best friend" quizzes are an exception to this. Instead they often assume you are spending every single free moment of time you have with this person.

5. If you have a crush on your best friend, you have either terribly misinterpreted you feelings and theirs, or they will never feel the same way about you. Um, yeah... I guess some people just can't tell the difference between romantic attraction and just being really good friends. But an important note: I think in some cases there's definitely outside pressure saying that two people "should" be in a romantic relationship simply because they are close platonically. Making those people question how they feel. Hence the existence of these quizzes. I can definitely feel that pressure while taking them.

6. They assume that your friends are all a certain type of person and your relationship with them is very specific. So here's the common assumptions I found across most quizzes:

Your friends are the type of people that are very invested in the love lives of everyone in that friend group. (And also outside of your friend group...)

Your friends are the type of people that will tease you about your romantic interests instead of being supportive.

You talk frequently about your love interests, love life, or lack there of with your friends. (Before you say "What? Everyone does that!" Not everyone does that.)

You are the only person questioning your feelings, everyone else is certain you have a crush.

Thankfully a teenage friend has informed me that this is 100% a teenager behaviour that happens all the time. Although I have seen cases where women under the age of 25 can also do this. I would go into detail about each of those but I think how these are not good assumptions to make is pretty self explanatory. You don't know me, you don't know what my friends are like, stop saying your experiences are universal. I will say blindly trusting the quiz taker's friends is not as reliable of a choice as it sounds. Sometimes people will just call any fond feelings for someone, platonic or not, a crush. And they sometimes will insist that person has a crush even if they say that they do not have a crush and simply want to be friends. And after awhile it can get to your head and feel like the only opinion that matters.

7. They assume this person is someone who you know/you regularly see in real life. In every quiz I took they asked at least one question that I could not answer because the plush I was using for all of these is someone I only know online. Specifically, it was some variant of "how often do you stare at them?" I understand this is a defining part of having a crush for most people, but I was rarely even given the option to say that this person and I are not regularly in the same room. Okay, let's say a teen girl gets a crush on a boy on from another school during like a sports game. She cannot answer this particular question truthfully either because imagining how often you'd stare at someone you met once if you were regularly in the same room with accuracy is not easy.

8. They assume you have the biggest crush, as anything less could lead to negative results from the quiz. Because I do not experience the same feelings, sometimes answering these questions truthfully is very difficult because my options are usually like this:

Q. If your crush asked you to hang out, how would you react?

OMG YES YES YES!!!

Well, we hang out all the time (as friends) so this is just a normal Tuesday for us.

I haven't even introduced myself to this person so they literally cannot ask me to hang out.

I'd make an excuse to not go.

And none of this is even close to how I feel about my plush. Or even about my friends. I cannot answer this question with 100% honesty. Legitimately, I've felt like I've gotten "you don't have a crush" results for the simple reason that I am not head over heals for my plush. Often it was either "every thought in my mind is of them" or "they're alright, I guess." But you can see how only the first option, with the most intense feelings, suggests that you have a crush. The other three options are either completely neutral feelings or suggest dislike. And since that's what people are taking this quiz to figure out, almost everyone is going to pick the first option. It might as well be just "would you hang out with your crush if they asked you, yes or no?"

So these quizzes are built on the assumption that you do, in fact, have a crush. You just want those feelings validated.

"Okay that's great Snowy, but what results did you get from these quizzes as an aromantic?"

Well, I didn't write down exact numbers since there were so many quizzes I took over about an eight month period. Some of them I took multiple times months apart and got different results. But I'd say about 60% said I had a crush, or was likely to have a crush. And 40% said I did not, or it wasn't likely to be a crush.

The funny part?

When I took some of those I didn't have a plush on anyone at the time. I was just using how I felt platonically about a close friend as the "crush." And while this did sway the results, it was not by much. Turning it more into a 50/50 chance.

No plush, no sexual attraction, they are JUST my friend. And yet, the results screen tells me I am deeply in love with them about half of the time.

When I said they assume you do have a crush, I really meant it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, I have actually made my own "do I have a crush" quiz that hopefully avoids doing everything I just talked about. No assumptions about the person you may have feelings for, no assumptions about your friends, no assumptions about you, who you are, or why you are taking it in the first place.

It's password locked since I'd like to get results strictly from people who find this post on Tumblr (for now). So type in this word when prompted:

conformity

Thank you for reading all the way to the end. I spent a long time with all the research and writing so it means a lot to me. 💖

#long post #aromantic #crush #romance #quiz #quizzes #uquiz #do i have a crush?

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ask-the-meteor-crew · 2 months

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FAQ Behind The Curtain

How do you draw so fast?

I'm currently double majoring in Animation and Creative Writing. I'm built different and also just, not trying very hard on most of these drawings. Drawing fast is kind of the backbone of animation and I've noticed coloring everything makes most people assume whatever line quality or level of finish on the outlines is a stylistic choice rather than laziness. What program do you use? I used Clip Studio Paint until about #021 when I picked up after haitus and used Procreate out of comfort and convenience. Do you use stock backgrounds or make them as you go? Every time I decide a scene needs a new background I draw it out in it's entirety and save it to my collection of backgrounds to use. So yeah, I'm not redrawing the background every single time it appears, I'm basically building out the meteor one room at a time in hopes of one day not having to draw backgrounds anymore. Where do you get the space photos? NASA's Hubble Space Telescope team has politely made all of the telescopes published photographs public domain, I imagine as a service to the planet as the intersection between photographers and people able to go that far into space is understandably zero. Font/Handwriting questions I stopped handwriting for most panels as I realized my best handwriting is all caps and it would be a shame if Karkat was the only character anyone could understand. I still use handwritten text for "special speech" which is whispers, and shouting, anything that's supposed to feel or sound radically different from the rest of the yapping. It did take me a while to settle on a font, I found a really good one for Dave that didn't have apostrophes and gave everyone else a typewriter font for a while, until I found the alternate version of the font I used for Dave that had all the special grammar symbols and numbers I could ever need. It's called the Atari font in the actual file but I have no idea if Atari ever actually used this version of it. Does the ask box ever close? When will my question be answered? It doesn't close and I have more questions than I'll probably ever answer. Some are confused about canon, others have had the core idea of their question asked multiple times already and I just didn't feel like collecting them all as screen shots. And some I just don't have answers for. Some get deleted because I don't like the tone, don't get the joke or found a typo particularly difficult to parse. No biggie. Questions will be answered if and when I feel like drawing a comic for it. Some questions are a better starting point for a comic than others, don't take it personally. Can the characters still talk to John and Jade? Can they run into them in the dream bubbles? According to canon, no. According to this blog, also no. Do you take magic anons? No. While I've gotten flimsy on the vlog framing device in order to make a more entertaining comic overall, the truth still remains that anything beyond messages in a digital inbox from some far off unspecified rift in paradox space would have some pretty immersion breaking implications on the setting overall. I know I answered a question offering Dave some clothes but the clothes were not given to him, I used it more as a prompt for him to take the clothes he already had out of the dryer. Is this blog safe for minors? This blog contains canon typical violence and themes, however when it comes to sexual content (the one thing minors absolutely CANNOT legally interact with) this blog is rated T for teen. Think like The Big Bang Theory or How I Met Your Mother. Sex can be implied and a frequent topic of conversation but never occurs on screen. Ultimately it's up to you and maybe your parents to decide if you can handle the blogs contents as you are responsible for curating your own online experience. TLDR if you're old enough to be on tumblr you should be fine.

How do I address the author?

My name is Sky, she/her pronouns exclusively. Please don’t try to hold conversations via the ask box. Just DM me.

Where do I send questions and comments for the author?

@meteor-crew-after-dark

#sky speaks #faq

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barracuda-shark-games · 10 days

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Hello! I hope you are doing well. I just finished your demo and I think it's great! I look forward to more.

(I've only had them for a few paragraphs but I already want Sadie back. 😭 lol.)

I don't know if you want us to report them here but I found a small typo or maybe a mistake in the code? I have a screenshot, if that helps. Sorry if you didn't want us reporting this sort of thing in the asks, I did look around but there was no info that I found on the blog that said where you want these reported.

Ahh thank you so much! I promise there will be more Sadie flashbacks but also I hope another RO can heal your MC's broken heart!

Thanks so much for pointing out the typos -- I absolutely encourage and want any reader to send me any typos or inconsistencies they catch! I try to do multiple playtest sessions to catch them myself, but sometimes things slip through the radar.

It's a huge help and I really appreciate it!

The pronouns for Sadie slip me up every time, even with the code trick I use. T^T It has now been fixed, thank you!

#feedback #bug reports #inbox

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mneiai · 11 months

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Reading/re-reading a bunch of Dragon Age books and thought I'd give my quick thoughts for the ones I've gone through the last few days:

Asunder - 6/10. Always shocked Gaider wrote it, it does not feel like someone who knows the lore or games well, except insofar that a lot of the fight scenes are "this is how I envision it would play out in the game" as opposed to ones meant to be read. I can't remember if the printed version was this bad, but either there some horrific typos in the digital version or, again, it does not feel like someone that knows the lore wrote it ("Rite of Annulment" what the fuck). Creates some weird conflicts with established lore for no good reason. Last half better than the first half and Cole, Rhys, and Evangeline are genuinely likable once it gets going, at least.

Tevinter Nights - 3/10 to 10/10. Weirdly find the Talons story incredibly engaging and the characters very interesting (though that could be my OCD-based sympathy lol) and wish it were a book of its own and not just a short story that had to rush over a lot. In fact, I'd say most of the Crows-related stories are good, as well as the ones actually set in Tevinter. The Grey Wardens ones vary in quality and the Nevarra ones read like someone took passages from the World of Thedas and told a writer they had to come up with an excuse to infodump with poor mysteries shoved in. Most of the rest were just blah.

Magekiller - 2/10. This is so bad. The intro feels like some 12 year old writing about their OC and the addition of the relationship between Marius and that one DAI NPC that never goes anywhere again makes the protags honestly look way more at fault for some of the shit that goes down in DAI than Cole ever could. And this is true about all the comics, but the art is Not Great and relies very heavily on lazy shortcuts normally found in lower quality comics. Also a lot of lowkey ableism considering how Marius comes across. Never had strong feelings about Charter before, but now I dislike her.

Alistair comics - 5/10. The collection doesn't seem to have a good name to call all these lol Anyway, some interesting parts, getting to see one of my fav Tevinter characters and the way she's handled is always nice, but the whole thing is very C-quality-DLC-plot-thrown-out-during-development. Just all over the place. Hated the Isabella stuff, what even was that? We're not even going to get into the multiple international innocents that should have happened, but the whole thing was honestly ridiculous. Mae carries this shit.

Knight Errant - 8/10. Vaea and Ser Aaron are a trope, but it's a good one for comics and well-done in this, they're very cute. Varric feels way more natural here than in the Alistair ones, not sure what's going on with Sebastian but I think that has more to do with how wishywashy he has to be for Bioware canon than anything else. Literally nothing will make me care about the Magekiller romance, though, and it's honestly weird that's the conceit for the job.

Wraiths of Tevinter - 6/10. I think this was slightly better because it had to establish some of the characters, but it wasn't great (and what the hell did they do to my poor Fenris?!). The original stuff was better than when it started mixing into the overarching comics plotline, and the fact that 50% of these DA works fall back on "Qunari Ex Machina" got very old by this point. I cared absolutely zero amount about any of the villains and the Magekiller characters felt incredibly out of place in an already large cast. If it weren't for the endearing Knight Errant team and the mabari, I'd probably mark it down lower. Also lol why am I supposed to care about a slave owner Venatori apologist just because she had a bad childhood? Literally every one of the characters had a bad childhood. Fenris and Marius were literally slaves!

Also actually sitting down and reading the World of Thedas volumes instead of just looking stuff up in them and they're...fine. I still wish they were more encyclopedia like and I'm still confused at some of the assumptions people make based on things clearly not actually said in them, but that's fandom for you.

#dragon age book thoughts

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coffin-upalung · 1 year

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Vent post, TW mental illness, hospitalization, being fucking poor, speculation of symptoms

So I have a problem with disorganized speech, right? I kind of noticed it a few months ago but now it's impossibly to ignore. Or I'll just stop talking when i thought i already made my point but i actually only said half a sentence? I don't have health care, so I can't figure out right now if it's a mental illness symptom or a physical illness symptom, both of which I have several diagnosed.

But I also developed a stutter? Which makes me think it's gotta be mental illness. But also I've had like a good 10 concussions in my life, 4 of them were in 2019, so maybe just got a bruised melon.

And I've found myself fencesitting between reality and delusion. And I've caught myself hallucinating. Birds, music, people taking muffled outside my window where I can't make out any of the words, bugs in my food and spiders in my shower.

And I want so fucking bad to just voluntarily admit myself. I'm not a DANGER to myself, but I just can't function. I can't hold down a job, I spiral and bounce between panic attacks to disassociation. I feel fractured, like multiple people are living my life, like half the day is a dream or I'm in the passenger seat of my life.

I've been on antipsychotics since I was like 13 or 14, but I haven't had healthcare in years. And I just want to take a month or two and admit myself to get everything fixed. And it sucks that for YEARS I was repeatedly 5150'd and got thrown in residential for 4 months as a kid against my will but now I actually want the help and I can't AFFORD IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Like I'm not suicidal in the slightest. My husband and I are happy and living a good life, we never fight and it genuinely feels like a sleepover with my best friend every night-- depression is near non-existant. But I just want to not be crazy anymore so I can take a shower without thinking I can talk to the ghosts in the walls!!!!!

I literally just want the hallucinations to stop and the delusions and the rabbit holing to stop. I want to be able to think straight and speak clearly. I want to stop having episodes where I'm laughing and crying and pulling my hair out. And it's for no reason. The trigger will be like "thought about that one embarrassing thing you said" and I just can't breathe and then I'm gone. Like it's someone else and I can't think and then like I'm in the shower and I've calmed down and im singing to music that's playing on my phone.

Like how am I supposed to tackle this in weekly therapy. It's gotten bad enough I'm BEGGING to go back on meds.

Do you know how long this fucking took me to write? I feel so small and incapable of simple tasks like writing a paragraph-- things I used to do for fun with fanfiction and random essays on topics I'll never post. But I keep misspelling and starting with one sentence and writing the ending of another. I kept misspelling symptoms as mysomptms and that's the clearest example of how jumbled things get. Like everything is there it's just a mess. It's not like a typo, it's genuinely my brain tells me every letter at once and I can't remember what comes first. I'll tell a story about my day and I'll tell the middle then the first then the last, or in reverse and I know it's mixed up but I can't remember what came first. And my grammar is so absolutely fucked. Like I almost majored in English and my essays were the ONLY reason I got into some colleges because I absolutely bombed my SATs because I had just gotten out of the hospital. Not my point, but demonstrates that I used to have such a tight grasp of the English language and its mechanics and now for months it's felt like I'm struggling in a 3rd or 4th language, buffering and lagging like a 2006 Dell.

And im AWARE that none of this makes sense, I've got pinball brain and im trying to say too much with too few words but this is an exercise to at least push through and get as much as I can out. At least to document. I feel like I have to apologize for how hard it is to understand me. This feels like such a burden to everyone around me and that makes it harder to think and speak. I hate this and I just want to get better.

Idk just had to get this out, hopefully I'll be able tks how a doctor when I'm able to get help. This makes me feel so stupid. I can fucking write, I'm an articulate fucking human being. I've got so much going for me, why does my first language feel like I'm only conversational? I can't communicate, I've lost half my vocabulary and I used to pride myself on my intelligence. I was always the smart friend, the one who's good at everything and would write your papers and give advice and I was going to do great things. And now I'm just a college dropout lunatic housewife that needs help with everything.

And im not... sad? It's just anxiety and then a detachment of reality. And I've tried to write this more like I would say it, it feels like either my brain goes too fast for my mouth or fingers or that it's so slow I cant think there is no in-between.

#do not reblog #vent post #not all triggers tagged

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idrellegames · 2 years

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Hello! I've been playing through Wayfarer and having a GREAT time. I'm nowhere near done, but like I do with every IF I read, I've begun taking notes of typos, inconsistency, etc. that I found while playing. What's the best way for me to send it all to you when I'm done so you can hopefully make use of it? Also, I have a bunch of lore questions I'm pretty sure I didn't find any answer to in-game, as well as choice questions. Would you mind if I messaged you so I don't send a million asks? <3

Hey, thanks for checking out the game!

I have been on a month long hiatus and have not been able to process bug reports. I will be doing a patch later this week to fix any errors reported during my absence.

Bug reports can be submitted through the bug report form linked on my blog and on the game page. Please do not submit multiple bug reports regarding typos. 90% of the time they have already be found and reported by the playtester team. Since it has been a month since the last patch, there's a very high chance that such issues have been documented and are waiting to be fixed. Repeat bug reports only inflate my workload.

The Wayfarer Discord server is the best place to discuss lore, theories, and gameplay choices. You can submit an ask if you like and I will answer when I have time, but I cannot do DMs with players.

#wayfarer #wayfarer if #answered

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wannabemobwife · 3 years

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Guns, Glamour and Goodfellas - Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Sinking Friendships

Dad!Mob!Tom x Mom!Mob!Reader

-Pairings: Tom Holland x Reader, Rosie Holland x Henry Osterfield

-Warnings: Language, Blood, Car accident, hospital scenes/talk, small talk of religion (sorry it just felt right for the story), angst, fighting, typos

-Words: 5.6K

Author note: Sorry for the shit writing, it was so hard to write the car accident. Tried to make it as medically accurate as possible. Most knowledge derived from Grey’s Anatomy/WebMD. Sorry this chapter is long. Feel free to leave comments or message me directly your feelings while reading the chapter. Every message I've received is so sweet thank you all.

*Anytime 3 dots/ellipses (…) its a sob/breath and a moment of reflection during dialogue.

Chapter 8: Sinking Friendships

Words: 5.6K

Sirens, flashing lights and screams were the only thing Henry remembered. It all happened so fast. One minute Henry and Rosie were laughing together getting lost in each other’s eyes and the next they were both unconscious awaiting their death.

There was no time for Henry to react in anyway. No swerves or movements were made to prevent the impact. A maroon truck had collided Roise’s side, jolting her entire body. Her door was dented beyond belief.

From the forceful impact caused their car skid on the pavement, wearing the paint job away, and crash into the street pole. Henry’s entire body screamed out in pain, his injuries weren’t as bad as Rosie’s though.

“Rosie? Rosie! Rosie!!” Henry called out, desperately wanting to hear her lovely voice. Panic and heartbreak ensued when he saw blood dripping down the side of her head.

Rosie wasn’t moving. How could she be full of life one minute and the next, not? Henry reached over and placed two fingers below her jaw searching for a pulse. He felt he was able to breathe once her felt her few and far between heartbeats, it was faint but it was still there.

“Darling, wake up. Rosie, wake up! Open your eyes for me.”

Henry could feel himself fading by the moment. He used his last breaths to tell the girl he loved he was sorry. Her life was hanging by a thread and in that moment Henry was utterly useless. Praying that she would wake and he would get to hold her again, as everything faded to black.

It had to be about 15 minutes. 15 minutes for an ambulance to arrive. 15 minutes that Henry and Rosie had been unconscious for. 15 minutes of complete stillness, as everyone outside the vehicle panicked. The witness had called 911 multiple times and the other driver was unconscious at his wheel.

After those brutal and possible life ending minutes, help finally arrived. They pulled Henry from the wreck, putting him on a gurney.

“Sir, can you hear me?” called out the paramedic. “Yes. My girlfriend, help her please,” Henry was pleading for his life. How could he be so careless, it was only an accident? “Sir, just lay back. Let us take care of you,” the paramedic uttered, putting her hand on his shoulder to hold him down.

“No. I need to make sure she is okay.”

“Sir, you need to restrain yourself. The other paramedics have got her.”

“ROSIE! Just please let me know if she is okay,” screamed Henry.

“Sedate him please. I’ll go check on the girl,” said the paramedic. Henry faded into a deep sleep a moment later.

“Hey, how’s the girl? Her boyfriend won’t stop asking,” asked the paramedic to the one attending to Rosie. “Unresponsive. She has head trauma and a pulse, thank god,” he murmured. Henry was sent along with Rosie to Kingston Memorial hospital. The hospital was 20 mins away, so much can happen in that time.

Everyone else was sleeping soundly within the walls of the Holland Manor. It started to become a common theme that phone calls in the middle of the night usually meant someone was hurt. This time it was Harrison calling.

“Haz? It’s so late why are you calling?” You asked, jolting awake.

“There’s been an accident and Tom didn’t answer when I called. It’s Rosie and Henry. It sounded bad, Y/N.”

“Oh my god. I’ll see you there,” you responded, barely forming the words as tears started to fall.

“TOM WAKE UP!” you screamed, shaking him awake.

“What?… I’m up. I’m up.”

“There’s been accident.” No more words were said, they just hopped in the car and drove as fast as possible. Tom knuckles grew white clutching around the steering wheel. He couldn’t even begin to fathom a world with his Rosie in it. Harrison was already there, pacing in the waiting room.

“Haz. Where is she?” you said, tears begging to fall.

“I don’t know they won’t tell me anything because I’m not family,” Harrison answered.

“Fuck that, you are our family. How’s Henry?” Tom exclaimed.

“He’s ok. Just a minor concussion and dislocated shoulder, he’s in there right now. They are putting his shoulder back in its socket. He was really lucky but, I am worried about Rosie.” Haz said, just as a doctor dressed in surgical scrubs approached them.

“Are you here for Rosie Holland?” asked the doctor, Tom just nodded in response.

“Mr. and Mrs. Holland, I presume,” continued the doctor

“Yes, that’s us,” Tom replied, clasping your hand in his. He tried to put on a brave face for his wife. You couldn’t both be a mess.

“Ok, Rosie is still in surgery. With extensive injuries like hers we like to keep the family updated as much as possible. Your daughter was the nearest point of impact. She came in with a puncture wound to the abdomen, a severe concussion, massive internal bleeding, many cuts caused by broken glass and severe trauma to her head.”

“Will she be okay?” you asked, accidentally interrupting the doctor.

“Let him finish darling,” Tom said, his grip on her hand tightening.

“It is still too early to know. I have to get back.”

“Alright Doctor, thank you,” Tom acknowledged. You just fell into Tom’s arms, letting all the tears you were holding back fall. You broke into a fit of sobs in his embrace.

“Tom, I don’t want to lose her. I can’t lose her. She’s our baby,” you whimpered, your tears staining his t-shirt

“Shh, darling. She’ll pull through. Remember she is just like her strong mother.”Tom whispered, rubbing a soothing hand over your back.

“Have you gotten in touch with Parker?” Asked Tom as he continued to comfort you.

“No, I’ve been trying. Leaving message after message… Why fuck isn’t he picking up?” yelled Haz. Just then, Henry had walked up, sporting a cloth sling His heart nearly broke as he saw you crying your eyes out buried in Tom’s arms.

“No. No, no, no. Don’t tell me she didn’t make it.” Henry cried as his knees started to buckle at the thought of losing Rosie.

“Henry no, she’s still in surgery. Hey, come here.” Harrison said trying to calm down his son.

“Henry, what the happened?” Tom asked, scared for his daughters life.

“What were you doing with Rosie anyway? It’s late.” Tom questioned again after Henry stood silent, growing louder.

“Hey, Tom. Back off,” Harrison said, standing in front of Tom.

“No. I want to know the reason why my daughter is in there fighting for her god damm life.” Tom screamed. Henry was like a deer caught in headlights. He couldn’t lie his way out of this one. His eyes just shifted between Tom, you and his dad.

“A truck hit Rosie’s side when I was driving, I’m sorry, it was an accident.” Henry cried, barely able to get the words out.

“Son, we know it was an accident. It wasn’t your fault,” Harrison said, comforting Henry.

“Where? Where were you guys?” Tom pestered on.

“Umm, we were on our way back from… from a date. We are dating.” Henry muttered, his eyes glued to the floor.

“What? Y/N did you know about this?” Tom asked, ready to throw hands.

“Yes, Tom,” you murmured, avoiding Tom’s disappointed glare.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Tom screeched.

“And for you. Who the fuck said you could date my daughter?” Tom bellowed, pointing his finger at the poor boy.

“I did kind of give them permission by keeping their secret. In your own time frame though you were supposed to ask Tom,” you muttered, bouncing between Henry and Tom.

“Wait. For how long? For how fucking long?” Tom cursed.

“2 months.” Henry whispered.

“2 months. 2 fucking months. You were lying to me?” Tom screamed, he was livid at you.

“I don’t want you dating her,” Tom growled with an unchanging expression.

“I’m sorry, sir. What?” Henry asked, dumbfounded by Tom’s response.

“Tom, what?” Haz faltered.

“Tom don’t do this, he is a good kid,” you begged.

“Break up with my daughter or there will be hell to pay,” Tom declared and with that he walked away.

“Tom, you can’t do that to them,” you yelled after Tom.

“Really Y/N watch me” Tom said, ignoring his family. His heart had been broken too many times tonight. First when he heard about the accident, another when he had learned of Rosie’s injuries and another when he found out that you had been lying to him. His mind needed to be on one person right now, Rosie.

Tom managed to cool off, but immediately changed the subject anytime you would start to apologize. He didn’t have the energy to focus or listen, all he cared about was Rosie. Parker had showed up 10 mins later, he was off doing god knows what.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Tom yelled, as he saw Parker come through the sliding doors.

“Sorry. I just got your message. Is she okay?” Parker explained.

“We don’t know she is still in surgery,” you whispered, trying to hold back tears.

“What I went out for a bit and shut my phone off. What’s the big deal?” Parker asked.

“The big deal is that I didn’t know where you were. I couldn’t get in touch you. Rosie was in a car accident and I couldn’t call you,” screamed Tom, still angry from the conversation that just perspired

“And Henry?” Parker question, ignoring Tom’s scolding.

“He’s ok. Haz is with him right now, they went to get some coffee,” you informed him.

“Are you okay, mom?” Parker asked, remembering the conversation they had the night before.

“I’ve been better. Just glad you are here,” you said, bringing him into a warm embrace. As they all stood together as a family, Rosie’s doctor came to update them.

“She is out of surgery and stable. Her heart did stop and we were able to resuscitate her, she’s in the ICU now…”

“Can we see her?” Tom asked, interrupting the doctor. A huge weight had just been lifted off his shoulders, his baby girl was going to be okay.

“Yes, but you need to know something. Her brain started to swell in surgery so we had to put her in a medically induced coma to bring down the swelling. We don’t know when she will wake up or if she will at all,” explained the doctor.

All the Hollands stood like statues, unable to process the news. You felt as though you had been punched in the stomach, you wouldn’t be able to handle losing your baby girl.

Minutes, hours and days had melded together. It had been 6 days since the accident and Rosie was still the same, laying unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to various machines. All of you stayed at the hospital expect for Harrison and Henry. Harrison was running the mob for Tom, for the time being.

You refused to leave her side, spending every waking and sleeping hour right beside her. Seeing your daughter like this was killing you. You weren’t getting any sleep and your hair started thinning.

Rosie looked pale and lifeless, the only thing guaranteeing she was alive was the incessant heart monitor. Her bruises had started to heal, changing from a vibrant purple to an opaque yellow. Everyone prayed she would wake up.

Henry tried to visit everyday but Tom wouldn’t allow it. He was still furious his daughter was dating him and everyone else knew about it except him. Tom’s heart ached for Rosie to wake up and be his funny, sassy, brave girl once again. Tom, however couldn’t stand how the waiting was making you feel.

“Darling. Wake up!” Tom whispered, gently shaking you.

“What? Did something happen? Is Rosie ok?” You exasperated, jolting out of your sleep and trying to catch your breath.

“No, she’s fine. It has just been a while since you had gone home and cleaned up. It might do you some good, baby,” Tom pleaded.

“Tom, I can’t leave her,” you whispered.

“Y/N, it’s ok. Let me take you home and Parker will be here in case anything were to happen,” Tom explained.

You were hesitant at first but eventually agreed, it had been awhile since you had showered or had a decent meal. Living off of the same sweatshirt and hospital cafeteria snacks for the past couple days. All your energy had been put into watching Rosie.

While Tom took you home, Parker was tasked with watching his sister. As kids they were both active and had gotten hurt, only most ever being a broken bone, never a life or death situation. Not only was Rosie Parker’s sister, but she was his twin.

His built in best friend. There had never been a time where he didn’t know her, maybe the first 5 mins of his life, but Rosie soon followed. Sure they fought and argued like all siblings do, but they couldn’t imagine their life without each other. He needed her sarcastic comments and infectious laughter to brighten his day. He needed her warm, slightly awkward hugs and her bitchy attitude once in a while. Parker didn’t know what he’d do without her.

“Rosie, I don’t know if you can hear me but mom is a mess, dad has barely said to word and everyone just needs you to wake up. I need you to wake up…. We all do, especially Henry,” Parker whispered.

“God, he secretly loves you. He hasn’t had the balls to tell you yet, but if that it is what you need to wake up, then do it….Let that be it…. That he loves you, Rosie…. He loves you.”

“I know what it is like to lose someone you love. Charlotte didn’t have a choice, but you do. You can fight and come back to us…. Come back to Henry. He needs you. He calls me every night asking if you had woken up yet. Dad banned him from visiting the hospital. Really fucked that one up didn’t you Roo…. You should’ve told him about you and Henry, but that’s beside the point…. The point is let today or tomorrow or next week be the day I tell him you did…. Just promise me you will wake up ok. I know I don’t say it often but I love you.” Parker got everything he needed to say off his chest. Tears had managed to escape from his eyes as he held her hand. Henry was standing in the doorway, when Parker poured his heart out.

“Hey mate. Mind if I have a minute with my girl?” Henry spoke.

“Not at all. Perfect timing, my parents just left,” Parker said, getting up from his crouched position.

“Yeah, I know. I was parked in the parking lot, waiting for them to leave.”

“How much of that did you hear?”

“Oh, none. None what so ever.”

“So practically all of it?” Parker said in response.

“Yeah,” Henry just nodded along.

“I’ll leave you guys alone,” Parker said as left the room.

Now it was just Henry and Rosie.

Tom had forbidden Henry from seeing her, he hasn’t even gotten to hold her hand. Henry tried to hold back tears as he saw the girl he loved looking half-dead. Her skin had lost its color and her necklace, the one he had given her, was stained with blood sitting in a bag on her bedside.

“Hey Roo. I’ve missed you…. Life hasn’t been the same these past few days. I’ve missed all your good night and good morning texts and your smile.” Henry started.

“Everyone wants you to wake up. They need you to wake up. Can you just open your eyes and flash that smile for me? I need it and I need you…. Rosie,… here it goes,… I love you. I couldn’t stand the thought of you never knowing I love you. So there it is, I love you.”

“I love everything about you…. Your eyes, your laugh, even that weird snort you do. I love you and that has to be enough. It has to be enough for you to wake up and come back to me…. Don’t just do it for me, do it for Parker and your dad and your mom. They have all been losing their minds without you.”

“Rosie, please baby. I love you and that has to be enough,” Henry concluded as tears streaked his face. He moved to press a chaste kiss to her forehead when all of a sudden machines starting going off and beeping left and right.

“Rosie? Rosie stay with me!” Henry didn’t know what was happening. All he knew as that she was still alive and prayed to god he wouldn’t hear her flatlining.

Rosie’s body started to jerk and shake, involuntary. The room filled with nurses and doctors, rolling Rosie on to her side. Her muscles spasming everywhere.

“Sir, you need to leave,” said the nurse, prying Henry away from Rosie.

“No, please let me stay with her,” Henry cried, refusing to avert his eyes from Rosie.

“You need to leave. Let us help her.”

Henry stood crying, peering through the glass doors at the love his life slipping before his very eyes. Her seizure only lasted about 8 minutes but, minutes bleed to hours as tears refused to stop.

“Henry? What happened?” Parker said, running up to Henry crouched on the floor with his knees to his chest and head buried.

“I don’t know. They forced me to leave. Her body started shaking violently, I don’t know what happened,” Henry sniffled, titling his head up. His eyes were beet red and his face was riddled with tears. Parker just stood there dumbfounded. He only left for 10 minutes to get some water. How could so much go wrong in that time.

“Young man, are your parents here,” asked the doctor as everyone came out of Rosie’s room.

“No, they went home to grab some things. Why?… Is she dead?” Parker questioning, pulling at the roots of his hair.

“No, she’s alive, but we can’t share any further information till they get here,” explained the doctor. Parker just nodded in response and Henry was able to breath again, exhaling the breath he was unaware he was holding.

Parker was about to make the call he dreaded. This was the entire reason you refused to leave, in case anything were to happen.

“Parker, what’s up. Is Rosie okay?” Tom said as he answered the Parker’s call.

“Dad, no, you need to get to the hospital. Something happened with Rosie but, they won’t tell me anything,” Parker said, his voice wavering.

“Oh my god, I’ll be right there,” Tom said, hanging up the phone. He had been refusing the chance to break down, he felt as though he had to be strong for everyone else.

“Y/N! Y/N!!” Tom screamed through the house. The one time Tom tries to do something good everything gets screwed up.

“Tom, what?” You exclaimed, startled by his screams

“Something happened with Rosie,” Tom said, a fews tears dripped down his face.

“What? No. No, no, no. I wasn’t there. I’m her mom and I wasn’t there. Why the fuck did you make me leave?” You cried, feeling like a terrible mother. You never should’ve left.

“I’m sorry. Be mad at me later, let’s just go,” Tom said, grabbing his car keys.

Tom’s reckless driving was not the problem at the moment, you just need to be there for Rosie. At the hospital, Tom barely parked properly before they were running through the halls. He came upon Parker in the waiting room, looking disheveled as fuck. His eyes were puffy eyes and hair stood up, he could tell his son was tugging on it in frustration.

Tom needed something to take his mind off Rosie. He needed to punch something or beat someone up or even just take his angry out with words.

“Parker, what happened? Is she okay?” You said, scared for Rosie’s life.

“I don’t know. No one has come out of her room,” Parker explained and you just nodded in response, trying not to cry again.

“Parker, what the fuck is Henry doing in here?” Tom demanded.

“Umm,” Parker mumbled.

“I’m sorry sir, I needed to see her,” Henry said profusely, apologizing

“I don’t care what fuck you needed to do. You are the reason she is dying. You were the one driving,” Tom screamed.

“Tom it was an accident,” you said, trying to reassure yourself in the process.

“Y/N I don’t understand how you can take his side when he almost killed our baby girl.”

“Like, I said it was an accident!” you explained.

“Nurse! Nurse!” Tom yelled.

“Yes, sir. Do you need the doctor?” asked the nurse, worried someone was bleeding.

“No. I want to know who the fuck let this boy in here.” Tom thundered.

“I don’t know sir, I’m so sorry. This won’t happen again,” she explained.

“Tom he can stay. If he is telling the truth about loving Rosie this concerns him as much as it concern us,” you said. This must be killing Henry like it was to you.

“No, he fucking can’t. Now get out, before I have you escorted out of here in a body bag,” Tom threatened.

“Alright, I’ll go. Just please, tell me if she wakes up,” Henry pleaded, slowly walking away. He wasn’t going to go home, he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave, not when Rosie was still in that state.

They all saw the doctor come out of the room and quickly cornered him. A grim expression draped across his face created uneasiness in everyone.

“I’m Y/N Holland, I’m her mother. What happened? I just left for twenty minutes,” you asked, tears streaming down your face as you barged in the room.

“We put her on a ventilator, the seizure was caused by lack of oxygen to her brain,” the doctor said.

“I’m sorry, what? She had a seizure?” Tom said, trying to put the puzzle pieces together.

“Yes. Her brain function has remained unchanged for several days now. In my expert opinion, her outlook isn’t very good. I would prepare yourselves. We can keep her comfortable if you would like or we can arrange her to be moved to a facility where she will possibly heal in the future,” explained the doctor.

“What are you saying? She’s brain dead?” asked Parker chiming in.

“It’s too still early to give a definitive diagnosis, but most likely, yes. I’m sorry for your loss.” The doctor said, exiting the room. You wanted to die right in that moment. A piece of you died the second those words slipped out, you were inconsolable.

“Y/N. Baby, come here,” Tom whispered. Trying to reach out for you, his broken wife.

“Don’t fucking touch me. I should’ve never let you convince me to leave,” you cried.

The guilt was enormous for everything. You were the one who let Rosie and Henry date, without that they would have never been driving together. Never gotten in the accident, you couldn’t help but feel responsible.

It was always the same feeling, you felt walking into Rosie’s hospital room. The feeling of drowning or being burned alive. It’s indescribable. A feeling felt by those who lose their children. You put them on this earth and for them to leave it before you was wrong.

“Rosie, I’m so sorry I left baby. I’m here now and I’m never leaving,” you said, combing your hand through her brown locks.

“But its okay if you need to. It’s okay. I’ll be alright, we all will be…. You can let go…. I love you so much sweetheart, don’t every forget how much mommy loves you…. You can rest now,” you said, moving to Rosie’s side to take her hand in yours. Seeing Rosie like this was tearing you apart from the seems.

It wasn’t long before all tears had put you to sleep. Tom had covered you up with a blanket. You talked to Rosie as though she could hear you. Maybe she could, maybe not but, you definitely wished she could. Tom hadn’t had the chance to break down like you. You needed him to be the strong one, but he was human too.

“Rosie, it’s dad. Everyone besides me has gotten the chance to talk to you, so here it goes,” Tom started.

“I know your mother said that is was ok to leave, but it is not. You hear me. Don’t you dare leave…. Rosie, darling you need to fight. Fight whatever it is that will bring you back to us. You are so much stronger than you lead on baby.”

“I love you so much, please come back to us…. I don’t know if your mother can take losing you. Also that boy you secretly hid from me. Once you wake up you are grounded. I don’t know why you fell for that scruffy looking kid but he needs you, baby. We all do,” Tom concluded. There was no easy fix to this problem. He couldn’t go out and torture somebody or beat them til they broke. Not even money could fix this. He felt completely and utterly useless.Tom reached out to the only thing that could help his daughter, God.

“Hey, god above, I don’t really have a name for you. You are just the one who watches over people, you could be from any religion. I don’t know,” Tom said, clasping his hand together as he spoke to the heavens above.

“I know we don’t talk often and I’m sorry for that and I’m sorry for the despicable acts I’ve committed but I need you help…. My daughter needs your help. She was in a car accident and she hasn’t woken up yet. She’s so young, she has her entire life ahead of her and I want her to experience it all…. I’d really like to walk her down the aisle someday. Can you just bring her back to me? That’s all I ask, just bring her back.”

“Thank you. Shit, I’m believe I’m supposed to say amen and I’m sorry for cursing a second ago. Just remember what we talked about, do this for her not me. God knows I don’t deserve it,” Tom said, ending his plea to the god or gods above.

Tom couldn’t of imagined better timing, with his speech, Rosie’s fingers started to twitch in his hand.

“Y/N wake up?” Tom yelled.

“What, I’m up. Is she ok?” You asked, confused by his outburst.

“Better than ok, her hand moved,” Tom explained.

“Oh my god, really? Parker go get the doctor,” you said, moving towards Rosie.

“Rosie?” Tom said as she started to stir.

“Rosie, baby. I’m here” you said, holding her hand. Rosie eyes fluttered open as she choked on the intubation tube, which gave her oxygen.

“Shh, you’re ok. You were in a car accident with Henry. You’re ok,” you said, softly. The look on Rosie’s face broke your heart. She looked so confused and overwhelmed all you wanted to do was hold her and never let go. Yes, she was a teenager but she will always be your baby girl.

Parker quickly brought the doctor in and he conducted a neurological exam. He removed the tube down her throat, allowing her to breath normally.

“Rosie, you’re awake. Don’t try to talk, it will feel weird for a while. I can get you something for the pain. I’m going to have you do a few tests. Blink once for yes and twice for no, ok?” The doctor explained. Rosie followed his instructions and blinked once. You and Tom were holding each other, praying Rosie didn’t have any brain damage.

“Follow the light for me please. Good. Squeeze my hand. Good grip… These are all amazing signs. Everything looks good. No neurological deficits, but I still would like to get an MRI for her. In the meantime, just rest. It’s going to feel weird as your brain has basically been sleeping for a week,” the doctor concluded, leaving everyone alone to rejoice.

“Mom?” Rosie said, her voice extremely hoarse.

“Yeah, honey. Take it easy,” you said. Words couldn’t describe how you were feeling, you got your daughter back.

“Where’s Henry?” Rosie croaked out.

“He’s ok Rosie, I believe he is outside. Would you like to see him?” You asked, much to Tom’s dismay. Rosie just nodded in response, trying to make everything seem less hazy.

“Rosie,” Henry said with a biggest smile on his face. Nothing could bring this boy down from cloud 9, she was ok. The love of his life was ok.

“Hi,” she said with a half-smile. That’s all she could must her up with her energy.

“Thank god you’re okay. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Henry said, kissing her forehead.

“We will give you two a minute,” you said, pulling Tom and Parker out of the room. Tom was giving you a bunch of harsh glares, he knew what you were doing. However, he too ecstatic that Rosie was awake to be mad at Henry.

“Are you okay? How do you feel?” Henry asked concerned.

“I’m okay. Henry, I have to tell you something,” Rosie responded.

“I love you…. Walking up in the hospital bed just made me realize who cares if it’s too soon or if you don’t feel the same way, I just had to tell you. I love you,” Rosie declared. This was his chance, break her heart and walk away, she didn’t deserve to be here in a hospital bed. Tom was right, Henry knew what he had to do.

“Rosie, I think we should break up,” Henry said, already feeling like he made the biggest mistake of his life.

“What, why? Did I do something wrong? I thought we were happy. Just yesterday you said you were falling in love me. What the fuck happened?” Rosie faltered, confused by everything.

“Rosie, it’s just not working,” Henry exclaimed with the lamest excuse.

“Fine. Leave,” she said, trying to not let tears fall.

“Roo, we can still be friends.”

“Don’t fucking say that to me. You don’t get to call me that anymore,” Rosie screamed.

“Rosie, I’m sorry,” Henry tried to say something else but was cut off.

“Just get the fuck out. I’m serious, FUCKING LEAVE!!” she thundered as he left. Henry felt like literal shit and an asshole and a fucking idiot all at once. He had just broken the heart of the girl he loves. It was never supposed to happen this way.

“Henry? What’s wrong?” You asked as you saw Henry storm through the halls.

“Are you happy Tom? I did it,” Henry barked.

“Glad she’s awake. Y/N you should go in there, she needs you,” Henry exclaimed, before leaving for good this time.

“Tom, we need to talk about Rosie and Henry,” you said, furious at Tom and his decision to break them up.

“He’s gonna fucking break her heart and I won’t allow it,” Tom yelled.

“You can’t keep them apart and you already did that,” you said sternly, you couldn’t believe the nerve on your husband.

“Y/N end of fucking discussion. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. We don’t keep secrets from each other. For fucks sake, how fucking stupid are you? Letting our daughter whore around with that kid, just like you did,” he vociferated.

“Whore around like I did? Really? Why don’t you look in the fucking mirror?” You screamed, zero fucks were given.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Tom barked.

“I know about you and Jazz.”

“What?”

“You went to a hotel and met her there. Tell me I’m wrong,” you interjected. Tom was too furious to explain his actions, he let you believe he cheated on you.

“Your silence answers my question,” you remarked, wanting to break down inside.

“Tom, just so you know you're sleeping on the couch tonight,” you said. You had your answer now. How could Tom do that to you. I didn’t matter in that moment all that mattered was consoling your daughter who Tom broke.

“Real fucking mature Y/N,” Tom yelled, as you walked away.

“Rosie?” You asked, knocking on her door.

“Mom… he broke up with me,” Rosie said as tears fell.

“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t know what I did wrong…. I swear to god if he met some other chick while I was in a coma.”

“No, nothing like that,” you said, trying to comfort your daughter. There is nothing like a first heartbreak.

“There has to be a reason. One minute I was in love with a boy who loved me back and now, I’m not.”

“Shh, it's okay,” you said, rubbing you hand down Rosie’s back as you pulled her into your arms. How could Henry actually do that to her and flee the scene like a coward. Parker managed to chase him down in the parking lot.

“What the fuck Henry?” Parker called after him

“I did it because I love her,” Henry exclaimed, continuing to walk away.

“Bullshit,” Parker yelled as he punched Henry square in the jaw.

“Owww.”

“I said, I’d fucking hurt you if you broke her heart.”

“Yeah, I know. It was still a shitty threat, but I deserved that.”

“I don’t understand what happened Henry. One minute you tell me you love her the next you don’t…. I don’t know if I will ever understand but you can’t come by the house for awhile,” Parker pleaded, wanting to know the truth.

“Alright. Just tell her I’m sorry mate.” Henry concluded, feeling like literal shit and an asshole and a fucking idiot all at once. He had just broken the heart of the girl he loves. It was never supposed to happen this way.

Author note: I'm sorry for all those who love Rosie and Henry. Don't be afraid to call me a bitch for breaking your heart, my brother did when he read it. Also Tom is a literal asshole in this chapter.

I really can't wait for you guys to read the next ones, even if you don't ask for it. I will post hints for the next chapter with emojis because it's fun.

Guns, Glamour, Goodfellas Masterlist

Taglist: @thenoddingbunny-blog @adriannauni @dummiesshort @bi-lmg @allthisfortommy

#Mob!tomhollandxreader #tom holland #tom holland imagines #tom holland series #tom holland fanfic #tom holland mob au #tom holland au #dad!mob!tom holland #mob!tom x reader #mob!tom #mob tom #mob!tom holland #mob!tom holland x reader #mob!tom x mob!reader #harrison osterfield #mafia au #mob au #tom holland x reader

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alicejohnson · 3 years

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I already made a messy post about this amazing book series here, but because I intend to use this blog as dumping ground for all of my thoughts properly now, I wanted to do an "official review".

Stars: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (In my heart it's a 5-star rating, but the plot and the writing is not THE best)

The review in itself is pretty much spoiler-free, but thoughts and interactions with this post might not be.

What is it about: A found family trope that revolves around a made-up mixed-sex sport called Exy (imagine if lacrosse and hockey had a child). Oh, and all of the college students playing in the team are "troubled children". Also, it is LGBTQ+ :)

Warnings?: All of them. All of the warnings humanly possible. Graphic descriptions of violence, r*pe, child abuse, drug abuse, overdoses, death, self-harm, suicide. Someone made an entire list here. PLEASE do go over it before reading these books.

Writing: It is dialogue-heavy, and kind of cringy in the best way possible. There are times you know there's no one who speaks like that, but at the moment it sounds pretty good. It did get repetitive and some phrases are used multiple times during the entire series to the point of "yes, I know, thank you". But the banter is just immaculate though, characters' interactions are pure gold.

Plot: The story in itself is not entirely realistic, I've heard people compare it to a very good fanfic and I agree, it has mafia elements, cult-like behaviors, and sometimes it is just quite out there in the realm of reality, but it's really compelling and perfectly paced. Also, even when it's not as realistic, everything fits into place and makes sense so it's not annoying or just outright crazy. Take the plot more as a trigger for character development rather than anything else.

And it is actually a funny book. When I was not in pain, I laughed a lot. 10/10 :)

Characters: I love them so much it pains me. The way the author describes and portrays feelings and trauma is incredible. Also, it's VERY CONSISTENT. I can't remember a time I thought "wait, why is X acting like this?" (except when it came to trauma-induced behavior that I will never understand cause I've never lived through it or when I failed to unravel all the characters motivations cause again, they are very complicated people in a complicated environment).

The MC, Neil, is a cinnamon roll, and actually has one of the best arcs I've seen in a book. He grows, learns, he cares so much, and gave me all of the comfort. I understand why all of them are in love with him.

It has good representation, (females kick-ass and are treated equally by the team, I mean the freaking captain is a woman! Loved it) and characters with very different personalities, and almost no one important is completely one-dimensional.

(Andrew is my fucking comfort character and no one can change my mind)

I do recommend it, actually, I believe everyone should read this book and learn about consent, trauma, boundaries, sense of belonging, identity, and a very specific kind of love that I've never seen before.

Thoughts: This is going to be pretty short because I left all of my feelings in that post (Edit: I lied this is long af. lol) I linked at the beginning that made no sense, had lots of grammar mistakes, and typos, but I was just feeling it at the moment.

These characters came to my life to teach me that I should not just bend over for love. That my boundaries - both respecting others and my own- can be an entirely new love language.

We carry so much emotional baggage created by just existing in this fucking world that we start to believe we are unlovable, hoping for the day some magical creature will come and suddenly lift all of the weight from our shoulders. Love will now hold it for us from that moment on till forever, and that's just not true. It's never going to happen. Yes, love keeps us moving, but it won't ever be the solution to our pain.

But, the good thing is that Andrew taught me that, instead, when this magical creature does appear, we can lean on them, work on our issues by ourselves, and the days we can't it's ok too, cause they will be there.

We don't need someone to save us, we need someone who respects our boundaries, our pain, our experiences and still loves us without us needing to be fixed as a condition, without us putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations, without us feeling unlovable for feeling the way we do.

We live in a world where boundaries don't exist anymore, hell, in the middle of the pandemic we even take classes or work in our safe place, so this book reminded me that it's ok to have them and to communicate them to the people around me.

(Thank you Neil for learning with me how to ask for help)

The opposite to The Song of Achilles, these books strip everything out of romance and leave us with the raw horrifying experience of being alive, alone, and terrified and takes it to the maximum amount of trauma and pain.

But, at the same time, it teaches us to love in the middle of all that suffering and that there are good people that are willing to be with us. (Yes, Neil, there are people in the world who are horrible, but there are also others who are not)

Side note: I'm in awe at how much the foster system sucks in the USA. These books also tackle a lot of issues around police incompetence, the State's inability to protect children, social class differences, and the abuse of power authorities use on a regular basis. Chef's kiss.

“He'd come to the Foxhole Court every inch a lie, but his friends made him into someone real.”

#yes or no?#THIS IS A LONG ONE #Will I ever get over these books?#aftg #the foxhole court #neil josten #andrew minyard #book review #all for the game #andreil

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kaykeichan · 3 years

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So...I've going through a serious mutli-level identity crisis for the longest time and just wanted to share my experience and realizations for those that need to hear it.

First I thought I was Bisexual.

Then when I realized I didnt always want sex and wasnt always attracted to people of both genders sexually but still loved them, I did some research into the Ace community.

From there I determined myself to be Bi-romantic Asexual.

After a little more confusion as to why I sometimes had sexual attraction to my partners and sometimes I was sex repulsed, I did more research.

I found the term Demisexual which is basically you can be sexually attracted to someone you are emotionally close to and trust, but are not typically sexually attracted to people you dont know. (I'm paraphrasing what it meant to me so for the real definition please look it up if youre curious)

So then I altered it to Bi-Romantic Demisexual and that stuck for awhile.

Going from my first relationship with a girl and probably my first non-toxic relationship ever to now another non-toxic relationship with a cow het man (who I love and care about very much), I then began to miss that feeling of being with a girl. It became an obsession and I was worried that I was actually a lesbian and that I'd have to leave my boyfriend so I wouldnt keep steinging him along on could live my life as true to myself as possible (and all the other thoughts we tell ourselves)

But I know he loves me for me. He knows i like girls. He knew I had a girlfriend before him. He doesnt fetishize it. He resects me for who I am...at least who I tell him I am.

Throughout all this sexuality crisis, I'm also having a gender identity crisis. Am I a cis girl? A Demigirl? Non-binary? Am I actually a Transguy still in the egg stage? So that led to a lot more research to me settling on being Genderfluid.

I'm quite comfortable in that actually as I have some days where I dress and act more feminine and days where I'm more masculine. But my guy when we were joking around once said "reassuringly" "Dont worry, baby. You'll never be masculine to me ❤" Ouch...but I didnt say anything. I tried to push that twinge away and say it was fine. Idk if he even realized what him saying it that way meant to me, and I acknowledge that I need to tell him how I felt about it soon.

I need to tell him all this soon.

So where in all of that time of research, uncertainty, and anxiety does that leave my gender and sexual identities?

Technically at this point I could label myself as, a Genderfluid Bi-romantic Abrosexual or a Demi-Romantic Abrosexual Demigirl...but as you can see thats a lot of labels and hella confusing...

So I did some deep thinking about all these labels and why we feel the need to categorize ourselves. Yes we want to belong to a group and relate our experiences to each other, but I can still do that if I just stick with simple labels like Bi, Ace, and NB even tho those arent the most "accurate" representations of me.

But who decides what's "accurate"?

Oh right. ME

So why am I trying so hard to compartmentalize myself and stressing myself out thinking i need to come out to a boyfriend who's already accepted me as I am, has said so multiple times, amd is always making an active effort to support and understand the lgbt community for me and for himself.

He's already accepted me without all the labels, and so should I.

You know whats a great umbrella term that already exists that could fit me the most comfortably without all the anxiety? The least used letter of the alphabet mafia

So I am proud to finally just say I'm here and I'm Queer! And I dont need to be anything else for anybody else 😁

tl;dr You dont need a shit-ton of labels to accept yourself in your own unique identity. Just being Queer is ok ❤💛💚💙💜

(ps sorry for any typos, emotions dont have time for spell checks lol)

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jennsmischievousmind · 6 years

Text

A perfect fit (part 4)

Summary : James Buchanan Barnes stumbles upon you, a lady that got him wrapped around her finger.

Warning/s: smut. If you’re under 18 please don’t read this.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader; Steve Rogers x reader (platonic)

Words: 3,130

Tags : @rodkrake @kaffekanden @namiiswan @destielinamoose @slender--spirit @townmoondaltwistle

A/N : English is not my native language … yeah coz writing smut in french sucks sometimes so excuse my rough english and typos.

In the idea that Bucky and Steve came back to Brooklyn after the war and never went near a freaking train. It’s a pretty long one so I’ll do parts.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 (end)

"It's okay Buck, come with me." you whispered. You passed by Steve and kissed his cheek.

"Welcome back Cap, thank you!" he smiled and salute you.

The Howling Commandos watched as you pass by them followed by Bucky at the end of your arm, some howled. You glanced at Bucky whom sheepishly look at you, somehow sorry for how the commando was behaving. You’ll let that pass for tonight, all you had in mind was bringing Sergeant Barnes home.

All the way to your place Bucky never released your waist, each time you had to stop at the crossroad, he would nuzzle his face in your hair, not saying a word just enjoying your scent and your presence.

You opened your door, throwing your purse on the couch you head to the bathroom. When you came back a minute later, Bucky was there sat on the couch back side. You reached for him and embraced him, the tip of his nose in the nook of your neck, he hugged you so tight. You felt your top dampening, when you understood you were already sobbing with him, James Buchanan Barnes wasn’t the type of patriarchal guy who hides his feelings to stay in the manly club, but to make him cry like that, you couldn’t even imagine what it was back there. You hugged him tighter at the thought.

"I've missed you." he finally said, before looking at you.

You caressed his hair for a few minutes silently. He stared at you like it was the first time he saw you. You could see a part of the Bucky you had met was gone at this moment, the war had changed him and it broke your heart, he used to be such a chatty handsy charmer and here he was silent and so vulnerable.

You led him to the bath, the air was warm, a light fog enveloping you both. You turned around, when he saw the bath he let out a little sigh of pleasure.

“Loosen up baby” you said starting to unbutton his military coat, kissing his cheek you put the coat on your arm and left him to get change.

When you came back you were wearing in a white silk night gown. Bucky was sat in the bath, his head backwards, eyes closed. You get on your knees next to the bath, reaching the bath cloth and the soap lathering it in your hands. Then you caressed his left arm, he slightly jumped then relaxed immediately when he saw you.

"Let me." you said gently, he smiled sitting up, his back facing you. You washed his arms smoothly, caressed his back and planted soft kisses on his neck. Your left hand roamed on his chest followed by the cloth, strands of your hair falling over his shoulders, your bosoms pressing lightly on his back as you leaned over to wash his chest. He stayed silent, eyes closed you could only hear his breathing getting heavier.

You dropped the cloth, your right hand going further in the water following Bucky's abs, his happy trail leading you to his shaft, as soon as your hand wrapped around him, Bucky gasped, grasping the sides of the bath.

Still kissing his neck, you start pumping him slowly but firmly, your thumb brushing the tip making him tightened his grip on the bath, he groaned as you pumped him faster, your other hand plunge in the water and gently fondled his balls.

"Doll!" he groaned and totally lose it, he came in the water. His head fell back on your shoulder, he was breathing heavily and so were you, seeing him coming undone and the look on his face made you hope that even for a moment he forgot everything bad he went through this past few months.

You let him dry himself while you where in the bedroom preparing your clothes for tomorrow. He went in only wearing shorts although you had give him a top with it. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching you picking up some outfits.

"Come here Y/N." he suddenly spoke. You walked to him as he reached for your waist, his arms wrapping around you as you stand between his legs, he rested his head on your tummy.

Your fingers going through his damp, disheveled hair. Sighing multiple times he finally lifted his head, his chin on your navel. You leaned in and pecked his lips.

"You have to sleep M.Barnes." He nodded and went under the cover while you checked if you had close the door and switch off the lights, when you came back he was already drowsing out, quietly getting in bed you felt him reaching for you, your back on his chest, he let out a sigh that said it all. Your hands caressed his arms encircling your waist, it felt so wonderful to have him next to you at last.

In the middle of the night you felt the mattress moved unusually. You opened your eyes to found him sitting on his side of the bed.

"Bucky?" you whispered. He turned around surprise.

"Sorry doll, I didn't mean to wake you." He laid back, facing you, you felt something was odd so you just opened your arms, he shoved his head on your chest resting his face just above your breasts, his arms wrapping around your warmed body.

The next morning you woke up with Bucky holding you, as much as you wanted to stay in bed with him you had to go to work, you wriggled out of his hold without waking him.

You made breakfast, some eggs on toast with some bacon. On your way to the bathroom you picked in your bedroom to check on Bucky, he was still asleep, you smiled as his face was so relaxed.

You grabbed your towel and exit the shower. Gasping at Bucky who was standing right there in all his morning glory.

"God Bucky, you scared me!"

He chuckled "Sorry!" his hands snaked around your waist, as yours rest on his biceps. He started kissing your neck, your skin prickling at his touch, his sudden ‘recovery’ made you weak at the knees in a matter of seconds.

"Don't..don't you want to eat breakfast.." you said absolutely not convincing.

"Oh doll, I know exactly what I want to relish right now.." his lips brushed your ear lobe making you quiver.

He seized the towel and let it fall from your body to the ground, revealing your naked body to him, he couldn't stop staring making you shiver under his gaze. It was the first time that you felt so vulnerable since he left, his body warm radiating as he leaned on you, your breath accelerating as he kissed his way down, gently nibbling on your bosoms, when he did he suddenly shivered, breathing warm hair on your nipples putting his forehead on your breasts your hands cupped the nape of his neck. He had miss your body as much as you missed his, and it was so exquisite that he had trouble coping.

He resumed his sweet attentions. His hands on your rib cage tickling you in a pleasant way, he knelt down, fingers caressing your skin till it finds your buttocks that he fondled, circling your navel with kisses, he tightened his grip around your legs. His thumbs rubbing soft circles in the inner of your tights dangerously close to your intimate parts. You took a deep breath when his left hand went to your ankle, making his way up caressing your skin to your knee, he lifted it on is shoulder. He peppered kiss the flesh on the way to your womanhood. Your mind was blank, enjoying every of his gentle touches.

His thin delicate lips pecked your sex and you moaned jolting, gripping the towel rack. His tongue slowly moved beyond the folds, building you up, going further in following every of your moan. None of his fingers went near your intimate part, he was undoing you only with his tongue, you had almost forget the feeling of this wave of pleasure growing inside. Hands gripping at his silky hair, struggling to keep still, Bucky felt you were on the edge so his lips closed around the bundle of nerves and you came undone, moaning loudly, he sucked on it drawing out your orgasm.

With a final kiss, he stood up, drying his mouth with a towel before kissing you passionately, tasting yourself on his tongue, you eyes still closed. He pressed you on the sink, you felt his arousal on your tummy, desire flowed through your body, both of you wanted more, but not now though.

One cannot break away from James Buchanan Barnes so easily, he followed you to the bedroom, getting in your way as you tried to dress up, you sighed at yourself trying hard to resist him, the store could not open without you and customers hearing you moan was not a good idea for business.

"Wearing a dress today?” he asked surprised, he must have seen you in a dress like less than a dozen times.

“Why? You don't like it?” you look at yourself, swirling the fabric.

He went to you “Oh no doll, I love it that's the problem, you're lovely, but I have to tell you, his right hand went up your thigh lifting your dress, I'd rather keep you undress.”

The muscle between your legs clenched, good lord that man was trouble! You had your way to make him beg for your body, but he definitely had his too!

He gave up with one condition.

"Make sure to come up immediately after work, I'll ..." he whispered in your ear everything he wanted to do to you, resulting in you blushing hard and whimpering as he nibbled on your lobe.

You pushed by a chuckling Bucky, as you reached the door he pinned you on it, his all body pressing against yours, his warm breath fanning against your cheekbones, his fine lips found yours, deepening the kiss, his hands cupping your face.

"I love you Y/N!" he murmured against your lips.

Your lips then moved to his cheek, leaving trails of sweet kisses to his temple. Pressing gently your soft lips on his eyelids he let out the tension in his shoulders, relaxing in your touch, he was still in recovery even if his needs were real, this tension was a reminder that he was still damaged and much more vulnerable than you thought. After a long hug, you let him get ready as he was supposed to meet Steve at his place.

Finally getting downstairs, Oliver was already there.

“Good morning boss!” Oliver greeted you, yawning right after.

“Good it is, indeed.” your fingers drummed on the desk before swiftly putting your measuring tape around your neck.

“Someone had fun.” Oliver wriggled his eyebrows, joining you at the desk.

“You can talk! I saw you last night, in the company of a young man!” you're the one wriggling your eyebrows at him this time.

“He was really .. ardent! he shuddered, “you?”

You grinned. “He was..he is, you leaned on the desk, devoted!”

Oliver let you in your reverie and went to the front door, putting up the OPEN sign, arranging the cuff links and ties.

You were now storing new pants then Bucky appeared beside you, thinking of what he said earlier about what he had in mind for you, you bit your lip, his pupils getting wider as he saw you do so, yours were probably black with lust at this point. Snaking his harm around your waist, he leaned in kissing you fervently, your nails scraping his scalp it made him shivered, he slightly spanked your butt eliciting a little moan from you.

"James Buchanan Barnes you are trouble. And I love you!" His face lightening up, you saw a glint in his eyes before he smirked, grabbing one of your butt cheek while kissing you, you chuckled swatting his hand from your buttocks.

"Go away troublemaker, I got work to do!" He winked and salute Oliver on his way out.

Oliver was back at the desk, arms crossed, staring at you. You shrugged at him.

"Naughty boss!" He shook his head grabbing some hangers.

Bucky came back around 6pm when you were about to close the store, before you could say anything, Bucky had you stuck between him and the main desk. His lips on yours, needy almost desperate, he caught your legs and made you jump on the edge of the desk, encircling his waist with your legs you brought him closer grabbing the lapels of his jacket. He cupped your face, gently sweeping your hair behind your ears, you pulled back a brief second looking deeply into his eyes, it killed him, it made him want to kiss you even more, unable to be separated from your lips for a second longer. His hands reclaiming your entire body, caressing the small of your back to your waist then he caught the hem of your dress inching it up your legs. Having trouble with his shirt’s buttons you yanked it open, the buttons flying on the floor.

"Someone's eager." He said chuckling between kisses.

"Lil reminder, you just pinned me on the desk James Barnes!" you punched his chest lightly.

"Well, I need my girl to feel how much I missed her!" At these words you shivered, oh good lord you couldn’t wait.

He bit on your jawline, then your neck sucking on the skin, you were pretty sure to have a bruise later on. His hands going further up you thighs, you were breathing heavily at his touch, your own hands scratching his back.

“Oh my goodness me!!” You both startled at Oliver's voice. His shock face quickly transforming into a smirk.

"Don't mind me, sweethearts, I'll .. see myself out!” He took his coat and with an acute voice said “Have fun!” making sure to put the CLOSED sign before leaving. You both shrugged.

“We won't make it upstairs, won't we!?” you asked cocking an eyebrow at him.

“I’m afraid so doll!” he answered smirking like the devil, you rolled your eyes at him as he chuckled.

Your hands roamed on his chest, removing his shirt, you admire his perfect bust, he looked down at your fingers tracing their way down his chest, stopping at edge of his pants. He let you in charge, you kissed his chest, up his neck, your hand dragged lower, along his front tracing the length of his hard cock through the fabric. He inhaled, his hands on your thighs tightening, still kissing his neck and collarbone you unfastened his trousers, slipping your hand in his shorts, feeling his hard swollen cock. He cursed under his breath, as you stroke him. When he regained a bit of control, his hand went up cupping your sex through you panties, he immediately pushed aside the fabric caressing your wet folds, you sucked in a sharp breath when he inserted two fingers in you.

“Bucky I can’t wait no more!” grabbing the back of his neck, you crashed your lips against his. He discarded your panty after removing his own underwear. He grabbed your thighs once more, sliding you on the edge of the desk, Bucky standing at attention between your legs. He kissed you hard, grabbing his shaft, he finally buried himself inside you, both sighing at the sensation, that feeling of being complete that both of you missed so much. None of you could find the words. His fingers pressed into your flesh, he pulled back his length almost completely and slowly pushed back in, you both moaned, your head lolling back.

He started thrusting trying his best not be too impatient but your constant moans and praises had him mesmerized. Leaning on the desk, you fumble with the buttons of your dress, the sleeves sliding down your arms, Bucky groaned as you revealed your bra less breasts, you had remove the uncomfortable fabric earlier today.

"You are one of a kind Y/N!" He mused, one of his strong, rough hand skimming your body until he got a good gentle grip on your breast, his thumb playing with your perky bud. You arched at his touch and as he fasten his pace, feeling you were at the rim, he pulled back his shaft leaving you hollow, he smirked at your furrowing brows. Grabbing your waist he helped you get down the desk and spun you around, caressing your buttocks while kissing the back of your neck, he then staved into you, your fingers intertwined with his on your hip, the other grabbed a hold of his muscular ass, contracting at each thrust. He was needy but not rough, his arms trapped your body against him, his biceps pressing against your bosoms, a hand on your neck, he kept you still from writhing under the pleasure he was giving you, he suddenly smacked your butt cheek eliciting a louder moan from you both as you clenched around him. His thrusts became uneven as he was about to lose it, you tightened your grip on his biceps. He let out a guttural moan as he released himself inside you, you followed closely crying out.

Both panting, you winced as he removed himself from you, already missing the feeling. Facing him you stand on your tiptoes, your fingers caressing his jawline beckoning him forward, he obliged, keeping a finger under his chin you kissed him passionately. He embraced your body, his warm sweaty skin against yours feeling so right.

The fact of having you naked in his arms made him realize that he had really returned from this hell that was war, and that was the most beautiful feeling ever.

“We should maybe, go upstairs.” he breathed against your temple.

“Maybe...” you caught his lips in a searing kiss, caressing the nape of his neck.

You barely made it upstairs, until you pushed him on the bed, he quickly took over, binding your hands with his above your head as he kissed you over and over, grinding his erect member against your sensitive part. Your bodies tangled, as you made each other feel the love you had for one another.

The next day you were having a coffee break at noon with Oliver, around the fabrics table, you saw him staring at you from across it.

You put down your mug “What?”

“Nothing, just ... did you wipe the desk?” he snorted.

You threw him a piece of fabric.

“Of course I did! But hey I guess we’re even.” you took a sip while he looked at you wondering.

“Remember Samuel? In the fitting room?” you pursed your lips, leaning on your fist.

“Oh! .. right.” he blushed and played with a piece of fabric.

“Yeah.That time.” You nodded smiling at his blushing face while drinking your coffee.

Part 5

#40s bucky #bucky barnes x reader #james buchanan barnes x reader #bucky barnes #steve rogers x reader #smut #marvel imagine #bucky barnes imagine #feminist reader #captain america x reader #40s!bucky #bucky barnes smut #pre war bucky #post war bucky #jennfic #a perfect fit

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