#i've been through a bunch of therapists and been given so many ways of working through stuff

[cult-of-the-eye]

Guys i'm working through my issues by writing hurt/comfort jmart fics i'm putting these bitches in situations that are forcing them to confront their trauma i am a GENIUS

[subsystems]

Hello -

As a person with DID who has successfully fused alters/parts, do you have any information, resources, or advice for systems hoping to do the same?

My system is hoping to reach a point where we can act and function as one, but it’s been horrible trying to find resources on fusion. Nearly every article about fusion we could find places this second to functional multiplicity and seems to confuse fusion and integration. Or worse, claims that fusion is a way to kill alters!

Our therapist has been immensely helpful, but we find ourselves wanting to read more about this process or hear from others who have successfully managed a fusion. Any help would be greatly appreciated - thank you!

Hi, anon. I'm so sorry that you've been struggling to find resources on your desired recovery. I went through that struggle too, it's hard. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you out through all of this.

If you want, I've talked about my own experience with final fusion on this blog and I'm always open to talking about it more if there's anything in particular you want to hear about!

Definitely seek out other systems who have experience with partial/full fusion, too. Off the top of my head, there's @system-of-a-feather, @reimeichan, @hiiragi7, and @smokee78 (hope it's okay to tag you guys!). They haven't been active recently, but back when I was working towards final fusion, @puppydeathfarts made posts that I found really helpful. If there's anyone else who has experience with partial/full fusion, though, please leave a comment!

I also recommend checking out Rachel Downing's experience with final fusion/full integration and Jess's from Multiplicity & Me:

Their experiences helped me feel less alone when I was pursuing final fusion. There was also another person, but unfortunately they left the community due to harassment and deleted their posts. I will forever for grateful to all of them for being brave enough to share this vulnerable and personal part of their lives, they've certainly given me the strength to share my own.

As for articles, unfortunately I don't know of too many that don't stigmatize final fusion. DID-research offers a good summary of final fusion and a few interesting links to check out here.

You can find a bunch of free downloads for self-help books here. Out of all of them, I feel like Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation is a great self-help book for people who are a being supported by a therapist and interested in pursuing harmony and stronger integration within their dissociative system. I don't think it would've been possible for me to achieve final fusion or even functional multiplicity without the techniques I learned from this book. I cannot emphasize how useful it is!

Some extra things from me:

You have to work with your parts, first. You can't skip ahead to fusion. Aim to pave for understanding, acceptance, and harmony within your system. Fusion, if you want it, is the natural progression to that!

There are ways to test out fusion. Talk to your therapist about "blending" (it's also described in the coping book, but definitely mention it to your therapist). You can test out what it's like to be fused as many times as you want.

Fusion can feel weird at first. It shouldn't feel bad, but it can be strange. It took me time to get used to it. It can also feel differently depending on what stage of recovery you're in... ->

When I still had amnesia and less co-operation in my system, fusions slid under the radar and surprised the hell out of me! As I continued lowering those dissociative barriers, developing better communication and co-consciousness as a system, things become way clearer.

After you become fully fused for the first time, it's completely okay if you fall apart a few times before it really sticks! Final fusion is a process, not a destination.

You're allowed to choose whatever labels you want after final fusion. Call yourself a system or plural or say you've become a singlet or whatever you want. It's also okay to go unlabeled!

Your parts aren't gone after final fusion, but that separation is gone and it's okay if you need to mourn that. Sometimes I miss what it was like being fragmented. It's not because I want to be fragmented again, but because that was how I lived my entire life up until now, it was what was most natural to me, and it had its good and bad sides. I'm thankful for it because it was that separation which allowed me to survive! I view this similarly to how it was like to move recently. Sometimes I miss my old home, but that doesn't mean I want to go back or that I'm not happier where I am now. Things can be complicated like that!

After final fusion, you continue to learn new things about yourself and your system. It's a new journey in of itself -- a very, very wonderful one. 💚

I hope you find something helpful here. Either way, know that you are not alone on this journey. I support you whole-heartedly. Good luck with everything!

- Sunflower

[ojcobsessed]

GQ: In the New York Post, you called yourself “the go-to guy for toxic men.” Was any part of you hesitant about playing another rich San Francisco jerk just a couple of years after The Invisible Man?

Oliver Jackson-Cohen: Not really, because I think that there's something really interesting in the complexities of these men. There are so many layers to them that you get to explore. I don't know if I've ever made a decision, specifically in the past, like four or five years, that has been about, "Oh God, how's this going to look?" I'd rather play someone like James than play the friendly neighbor, do you know what I mean?

The season really puts James through the wringer. I think we see him both cry and seem like he might kill someone in every episode. You've spoken about having a hard time closing the door on roles that are emotionally wrenching like this. Was that the case with Surface?

I think so. I'm probably a therapist's dream because there is a part of me that's like, "If it doesn't hurt, it doesn't count." I'm not interested in faking it. It probably sounds incredibly clichéd and probably a little bit fucked up, but I feel like I learn so much about myself by going through these emotional turmoils. I guess this one was taxing, but then every job is taxing to a certain extent.

TV shows don’t generally shoot in the order that we see. Given how much it changes over the season, what were the challenges for you and Gugu and keeping your characters’ relationship straight from day to day?

We actually managed to shoot most of the season in order, apart from Episode 6, where we just went away for three weeks, but even that was kept in sequence. It's the episode where James is telling Sophie everything about their lives [before the start of the series], and they were so generous that, by this point, I’d made all the decisions about the backstory, all of the little things that they'd done and that happened to them. And they let me just sit in front of Gugu, and they put two cameras on us, and they filmed us for, like, 45-minute takes.

I just improvised this whole story, but it was all the story that I knew. And it was the first time for her, hearing it. So that was incredible, to be able to start at the beginning — not too dissimilar to this documentary called Tell Me Who I Am, which inspired the show.

That level of collaboration is unusual in TV or film.

Yeah. I mean, I've watched the season once, like this [partially covering his eyes], but what was quite remarkable is that they've kept so much of all the stuff that we improvised as well. Working with people like that, who embrace what you bring to the table as much as being respectful of what you need to bring on their end, it’s very lucky.

Luke, your character in Hill House, has issues with substance abuse, and you've said you wanted to avoid clichés about it that tend to appear in pop culture. What research did you do with or around the recovery community to make sure that what you and Mike Flanagan created together was truthful?

Well, quite a lot. It was an interesting prep period, for Luke. When they offered it to me, I watched a bunch of documentaries. Then I thought, "No, no, no, this isn't the right way. I don't want to play an addict, because these are people." Playing Luke was not about playing a heroin addict. It was about playing someone that had been so deeply traumatized that he had no choice but to end up in this place, and that it wasn't his fault. No one fucking wakes up one morning and goes, "I know what I want to do.”

Let’s stay in the horror realm with The Invisible Man. It’s amazing how much I felt not just that there's a presence in the room with [Elisabeth Moss’s] Cecilia, but that it is specifically Adrian — it still seemed like you even when you're not on screen. Because it’s not always just special effects or a stand-in: you were there!

In that sexy green suit, yep. Lizzie is such an incredible talent and I just wanted to support that as much as I could. I mean, she's more than capable of doing it without me, but it just felt like the right thing to do all the stuff that I could do. I mean, some of the stuff were [stunt performers] doing it. I'm glad that you say that: we did want this constant looming threat, so I'm glad that it's achieved.

But that sexy green suit was horrific. Never ever say yes to green spandex. Ever.

You did a similar thing on The Haunting Of Bly Manor, in the scenes where Miles [Benjamin Evan Ainsworth] is possessed by your character, Peter. Do you ever get stressed out working with children, particularly on something that scary?

I think there's always a concern when you are working with kids: you don't want them exposed to anything. Ben and Amelie [Bea Smith, who plays Miles’s sister Flora] were just so incredible, and their moms were with them the whole time. We tried to make their experience as uplifting and as fun as possible. But with Ben, I would sit on set with him, and I would do the scene, and then he would copy what I did. Then I would just sit by the monitor, in his eye line. I mean, kids at that age, they're such brilliant mimics, you know what I mean?

Apparently I love to do stuff like that offscreen. Maybe I shouldn't be an actor. It felt very, very important for the story, as with Invisible Man. Whether or not people will notice that, I don't care, but I feel like all this minutiae hopefully adds up to something in the end.

When I was going back through your older press, it was impossible not to notice the dates on all those pieces about The Invisible Man: it really was the last big movie to come out pre-COVID, and your first big splashy Hollywood movie. What was it like for you to have the movie and lockdown happen right on top of each other?

It was mad. Like, it was really quite mad. I remember getting home from the press tour and then four days later the world shut down. But it was exciting in a weird way. Even as quarantine was happening, I remember Universal pivoting quite quickly to say, "We are going to release this at home and people are going to stream it for like 700 bucks.” It became this thing that people were doing, watching at home even though it had just come out.

So I feel so proud of that movie. But my dad just had passed away, and three days later I went on a press tour for The Invisible Man. The whole press tour, it was like, "What is happening?"

Then I got home. The movie was this huge success. My family was a mess. And then the world shut down. From March to September was such a bizarre time — for everyone, of course. That's why when the quarantine lifted in September and I went and did The Lost Daughter, it came at such an important time for me personally, with what had happened that year. It was life-affirming stuff, being in Greece with all these people that I respect so much and just having a laugh — and being with any people when we hadn't been for so long.

Your director on The Last Daughter, Maggie Gyllenhaal, is, of course, a prolific actress. Leigh Whannell also has a background in acting. How does it change your process when you and your director can relate as peers in that way?

It's like a completely different language that's spoken, because there's such an understanding. Maggie’s a phenomenal actor, but I think an even more phenomenal director and writer. She said this very early on: "I hire people that I trust. So whatever it is that you are going to do, it's going to work, but what flavors do we want to bring?" On set, she's like, "Why don't we do this? Why don't we do this? This is nuts, but why not?" And so it becomes this playful thing, this quite fun exercise.

One day on set — it's a small thing, but it was post-lockdown. My dad bod was in full swing. And then I got to Greece and was like, "Oh, shit." And I was like, "No, I feel like my character just, like, wears tank tops all the time." And then we got to set and Maggie was like, "You look great. Why don't we try it without that? You look great." She's been in this situation so many times, and knows what it feels like. And so she’s able to approach her actors with such care, which is not always the case, you know?

I think we've covered all your darkest roles, so let's move to a very light one: Mr. Malcolm's List, which is out now. You had previously played the same character, Lord Cassidy, in a short film version. Had you followed the project’s journey from that iteration to feature film?

[Director] Emma Holly Jones I'd met because she was a hostess at a bar in L.A. when I was living there. I was like, "Oh my God, you're English. Right, let's be friends." I was 22. We were babies. And so she called me in 2018 and said, "Listen, there's this movie that I'm trying to make, it's just a short, will you come and help me out?" Of course. And then she was like, "We're making it into a movie." And I feel like you hear this quite a lot: "No, we're going to make it into a movie." And then she fucking did. I'm so incredibly proud and happy to be a part of it. I think it's important to champion first-time directors, and specifically first-time female directors.

Is Regency rom-com a genre that you spend a lot of time with as a viewer or a reader?

Not really, but I think that was the appeal. I've done this Emily Brontë movie, which comes out later in the year. I knew nothing about Emily Brontë or Wuthering Heights — or very little. It’s the same with something like Mr. Malcolm's List. I'm familiar with it all, but it's not in my wheelhouse. So there was something very exciting about jumping into those worlds, and they're so fun.

Given the rough stuff that you do most of the time, how did it feel knowing this was coming up on your schedule?

I loved it. Like, I really, really loved it. Because I went from The Lost Daughter to Malcolm's List and then went into this Emily Brontë thing, which is pretty harrowing. So it was this magical moment. There's something really incredible about being able to go to set every day, and your main focus is to figure out what makes you laugh the most. Working with Zawe Ashton, who I think is comedic perfection, it was just such a joy building that dynamic [with her character, Julia] of utter co-dependence — these two cousins who need each other but hate each other.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! I'm a huge fan of your work and deeply enjoying FFS rn, it really shows the love and care you've put into this world and characters and it's an amazing read 🥰🧡

Idk if you've actually answered this question before or if it's a bit too much? So feel free to skip it. Do you have any advice on how to write a therapist and sessions with them? And to go along with that, a therapist&patient relationship that doesn't feel inauthentic but that's a healthy one?

I've had to visit both psychiatrists and psychologists a couple of times along my life, which has almost always been a positive experience to me, but when I get down to business and want to write a character going to therapy, I fall into a bunch of the psychoanalytic clichés US films have hammered us down with, even if I'm not from an Anglophile country!

Thanks a bunch in advance!! Ilu, have a nice start of the year🧡✨

Hiya anon!

I have a few thoughts about writing therapy sessions so I’m just going to put them down in no particular order.

Firstly, I don’t actually think it’s always a good idea to write therapy in stories, and a lot of the time I avoid writing it even when a character is actively seeing a therapist. This is particularly true in The Wind that Cuts the Night where all we see of Alex and his therapist are snippets, and nothing more than that, because therapy sessions would slow down the pacing, focus and value of the story.

Where possible, characters don’t see therapists, but talk to people in a way that is therapeutic, usually with love interests or members of the ensemble cast (Augus and Fenwrel in The Court of Five Thrones, Jack and Eva in The Golden Age that Never Was, Jack and North in From the Darkness We Rise/Into Shadows We Fall, Cullen and Cassandra, Cullen and Bull in Stuck on the Puzzle). All of those characters need therapy, but writing therapy sessions tends to slow down the pace of a fic pretty dramatically, and even I had misgivings about writing Efnisien’s sessions with Dr Gary at first because I’m acutely aware of the fact that:

1. Therapy sessions can be draggy and boring 2. They often take away important emotional realisations from other characters, ruining potential hurt/comfort and character relationship development moments with your actual cast / love interests 3. Fiction is meant to be fiction, not reality. 4. A lot of therapy sessions are actually not that interesting to sit in or write or observe, which is why writers do often find themselves falling into certain cliches while writing them to make them more interesting. Even I cut out huge chunks of sessions to get to the more interesting parts, lol. 5. You can write a character going to therapy without writing the therapy. You can just choose to have the character remember bits and pieces of the session later as it’s relevant to their life. 6. Therapy is different for everyone, and some readers (myself included) don’t enjoy reading it when the therapy is a kind that doesn’t resonate or feel right.

So you really need to ask yourself why you want to write therapy specifically, because a lot of the time it gets boring or - as you point out - falls into cliched territory. Writing a character going to a doctor a lot in detail for regular injections is boring. Writing them thinking about how they have to do this in brief while their love interest is sympathetic to them getting those injections is more interesting. Writing a character suffering from an illness that they need regular injections for, with their love interest comforting them? Interesting.

Falling Falling Stars is a unique fic in that Efnisien has no one before he meets Arden, except for Dr Gary and Gwyn. If you’re writing an FFS style fic, writing therapy sessions might be appropriate. It might be worth really thinking about the kind of fics you want to write, why you want to write therapy, how that will affect your pacing, etc.

If you’re still dead set on writing therapy sessions, then I have some suggestions re: writing more realistic/healthy therapy and how to find that knowledge yourself, and I don’t really know how to shorthand some of it:

1. Get books on therapy that are designed for the therapist. These are often expensive, but sometimes libraries stock them - and university libraries in particular will often have photocopy abilities (or you can just photograph the pages you need) because these books look at how sessions should be structured. Books with case studies are ideal, since they often show dialogue chains between the client and therapist. Books that obviously deal with the mental illnesses you’re planning on writing about are the most ideal.

2. With a view to this, learn about different therapeutic modalities (for example are you trying to write psychology or psychoanalysis or both? Are you writing social work? Are you writing cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, expressive therapies, narrative therapy, transcendental therapy?) Be aware that different modalities have different session structures and learn what they are. Wikipedia is your friend, but your closest friend will be actually acquiring textbooks on the subject. This is a pretty significant financial barrier at times, I’ve been collecting books like this on psychology since like 1997.

3. Learn about your character’s mental instabilities that require them to go to a therapist and then look up the most recommended forms of therapy for your character’s specific issues. Will they suit your character? Why/why not? Will they have a therapist who realises and switches modality if it doesn’t suit? Or will they be lucky and find someone who helps them straight away?

4. All therapy sessions have a structure to them. And therapy often has a narrative arc through the course of therapy over many sessions. They should generally have the attempt at a beginning (greeting / setting up the problem to be discussed), middle (highlighting the source of conflict or inner conflict) and end (helping the client to focus on less stressful things, possible homework assigned, and potentially talking about future work/sessions). Learn this structure. Even if you’re not writing the whole session, you need to know where in the session you’re writing, beginning/middle/end will be different tonally. Structures will be different per therapeutic modality, and a therapist that knows many different modalities (like Dr Gary) will often be using slightly different structures each time depending on the character’s mood/issue.

5. In a healthy therapist/client relationship there will be the ability to discuss boundaries, grievances and the therapist won’t be revealing much about their personal life at all (unless anecdotally it’s super relevant and even then it will be deliberately vague). This is one of those things that will - in many cases - make for more boring sessions on the page, depending on the ‘client.’ For example, if you’re writing someone seeing a therapist for the first time, it might realistically take months or years before they start showing progress or trust. That’s not interesting (there’s a reason ‘therapy fiction’ isn’t a genre), so of course it’s tempting to shortcut into more dramatic moments.

*

I would say if you’re finding yourself leaning towards more cliched or dramatic forms of writing re: therapy, your writing brain may sense that the entire scene/s may not be suited to the story, and is trying to find a way to make them more interesting to yourself and the reader. If that’s not the case, then a lot more research is needed! It’s time to sink many hours into actually understanding what you’re trying to write. This doesn’t matter as much if you’re writing unrealistic or unhealthy therapy, but it’s 100% necessary when you’re trying to write healthier therapy depictions.***

Also a couple of sessions of experience is a start, but you might want to watch or find a way to watch more therapy sessions, because you’ve missed out on experiencing longer arcs, different modalities etc. (This is where my hands on experience with 19 therapists since 1995 is actually really helpful, lmao - I’ve had close to like 800~ sessions by now, with good and bad therapists; I cannot pretend that hasn’t given me a knowledge base that most people don’t share). You can still learn that stuff via research, MedCircle on Youtube is a good place to start, since it offers 30 minute snapshots on what CBT and DBT sessions will look like etc. and has some great playlists.

Most fics I’ve read don’t do a great job of depicting therapy, but the Babes!verse series by @rynfinity has probably some of the most realistic and still really interesting sessions I’ve read as an ongoing arc. The series is long, because it needs to be re: what it’s dealing with, but it’s great, and I definitely recommend looking at another example of how an author tackles these sorts of scenes. Out of the Mouths of Babes / The March of the Damned are the two intertwined series.

I apologise if this sounds discouraging overall, or daunting, but I just want to stress there’s a reason that I’m often not writing therapy in my writing, as anything more than the occasional scene with a non-therapist, or snapshots that are reflected on and that’s it. Falling Falling Stars is the exception to the rule, and unless you’re writing an exception to the rule as well, it’s really worth reflecting on the first six points I wrote - it’ll save you a fuckton of time and research. And if you go ahead with it, I wish you well! :D

*** Also disclaimer: But I still am writing very indulgent therapy that is not beholden to being either a 100% healthy or 100% realistic depiction. The fact is, real therapy sessions are pretty boring for observers except for maybe ten or twenty minutes in the middle at times.

(ETA: It’s just occurred to me that therapy fiction does exist, esp. in the mass media, but that it is - afaik - all unrealistic, dramatised or unhealthy. But if you want to watch a great show - I highly recommend In Treatment with Gabriel Byrne, just by aware that it is depicting, for the most part, unhealthy dynamics which are more character studies than anything).

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash]

What job do you have? I don't think I've seen you mention what you do in the short time that I've been following you. Is it rude to ask? You don't have to tell us if you don't want to.

I don’t mind :) I’m pretty open about who I am on here. 

I’m a licensed social worker who previously worked as an outpatient mental health therapist. My current job is kinda hard to explain, so apologies in advance for the long and possibly confusing response. I’m always open to questions tho!

Basically, I work for the behavioral health insurance company for anyone on medicaid in Philly (so currently we could be working with any of the over 700,000 clients in the city who qualify for medicaid). Their physical health insurance under medicaid covers all their physical health costs, but my company covers the behavioral health costs (so mental health and substance use treatment). We’re the ones who pay the behavioral health facilities for the services they’re providing to clients, as well as us being the ones who do those dreaded audits on all our providers and make sure that they’re all running the way they’re supposed to.

There’s a bunch of different teams at my company (we have over 500 employees) and a lot of them are licensed clinicians and doctors who handle telephonic insurance reviews for members receiving behavioral health services, especially bed-based services (rehab, detox, psych hospitals, residential programs, etc). So we do reviews to decide if clients can continue to stay wherever they are, and if we’ll cover the cost. We also have more specific teams, such as a newly-formed forensic team and child-based teams. 

My team specifically is labeled as “complex care” and is kinda unique (and newer) at our company, in that we’re out in the field a lot and working more directly with individual members, rather than just providers. I work with a certain physical health HMO and see only that HMO’s members, specifically those who are the highest utilizers of both medical and behavioral health services, in an attempt to bridge the gap and make sure both the physical health providers and behavioral health providers are working together to provide appropriate care. For example, I’m stationed at a hospital ER a day a week and seeing members who come through there and have a behavioral health history, and I’m out in the field doing client home visits and going to psych hospitals, rehabs, etc to see our members and ensure that they’re getting the appropriate care they deserve, and connecting them to other care levels as needed. So my team is in communication with just about any of the almost 200 providers in the city that my company funds, as needed based on our members. And we’re mostly dealing with members who have intense behavioral health and medical needs, as well as a good portion of my members being homeless (I follow on average about 60-80ish members at any given time and get new referrals every week). And my team is racing around the city a lot to meet with as many of these members as we can locate, so I figured we’d get shut down from doing that pretty quickly once the coronavirus hit here. 

My team got told to stop going out to providers and client homes earlier this week, since we’d be the ones bringing back any sickness into the office setting, where most of the other teams are stationed full-time. But now today they’re pushing for all of us to just work from home and engage with our clients and providers telephonically. Which sucks for our members, because we can’t go see them and are going to have to do as much telephonic outreach as possible, which is so hard for our members who don’t have a phone and are on the streets. They’re the ones I’m super worried about, if the virus gets bad here. But I also am glad that I’m at home and not risking them by running around making contact and possibly becoming a carrier. 

I hope that helped. Holy hell, sorry for the long response!