#i've been wanting to do this forever and i am unhinged enough to do it now

[masterwords]

Corporate needs you to find the difference between this picture:

And this picture:

They're the same picture.

Bonus:

[mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess]

MDZS AU in which Mo Xuanyu is a severely bullied queer kid but nobody is willing to help him in any way because his bullies are stinking rich, sponsors of the fancy rich kid school and also some are even his cousins.

He's at his wits' end and downright suicidal when he stumbles upon this page online about summoning demons and selling your soul to them in exchange for something (kind of like Death Girl)

Except you have to call onto specific demons or nobody will answer the summoning

So Mo Xuanyu goes onto a dark, caffeine-fueled rabbithole of mythology and demonology for a few days and nights until he finds the legend of the fearsome evil Yiling Patriarch

Dude sounds unhinged enough, the flute playing is a thing they have in common (even if MXY's shitty aunt pulled him out of his flute classes a while ago due to "financial issues") and apparently people rumor he was gay for some Lightbringer guy.

Perfect.

So Mo Xuanyu prepares the ritual and... nothing happens. He's so angry and disillusioned he's about to take his own life in frustration because not even this worked, nothing does, he'll be bullied and abused forever - but then, out of black smoke, finally emerges nome other than the scary Yiling Patriarch, only he's a bit... disheveled? And has a white ribbon around one of his hands??

"What is it, kid?"

"...y-y-you're the Yiling Patriarch...?!"

"In the flesh... err, kind of. Anyway, what do you want with me?"

"In a moment, but, um, why did it take you so long to show up??"

Mo Xuanyu swears the Yiling Patriarch turns red a little. "I was... busy! Underworld stuff, very important. So now care to tell me why you had to just pull me out of that super important stuff?"

"Iwantyoutokillmybullies!"

"Slower, kid, I am like 15 centuries old, my hearing isn't the best anymore."

"I want you to kill my bullies... i'll give you my soul in return!"

The Yiling Patriarch sighs softly and pats the kid's head. "Your soul is very precious, kid. Don't give it up just like that."

Mo Xuanyu screams, frustrated tears in his eyes. "I'm not! I've been bullied and abused all my life and I'm so tired of it! I want them all to pay! So take my soul and do it! That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it?!"

"You'll die in 10 years if I take your soul as payment. Do you really not think you'll want to live in 10 years?"

"No! There's nothing in this world for me! Everyone hates me and I hate everyone and everything in it! If you don't take my soul, I'll just kill myself anyway!"

"Hm..." and the Yiling Patriarch takes a few seconds to think. "... how about this? We make a deal but not for your soul. I'll help you with the bullies thing pro bono, no payment, and then I'll come see you in 10 years. If you still want to die, I'll take your soul. If not, consider my help just some random act of kindness."

"Why would a demon be kind??"

"I am not exactly a demon per se. Complicated stuff. Anyway, you in or not?"

"What the hell, let's do it!"

Next day, Mo Xuanyu's bullies wait for him in front of the school gates ready to taunt him and beat him up again.

Except he rolls up in a black Lambo with two super buff looking guys that he calls "uncle Wei Ying" and "uncle Lan Zhan" that see him off to class - before uncle Wei Ying puts a very friendly hand on one of the bullies' shoulders and only slightly lowers his sunglasses so his red eyes shine.

"I'm a really nice guy so I'll warn you. Once. Mess with Mo Xuanyu again and I'll make sure it's the last thing you do." And he smiles a fanged smile. "Or I'll let my husband turn you into a memory. He's very good with his sword and I mean that literally."

"H-H-Husband?!"

"What, any problem with that?"

"No sir you two are an amazing couple!!"

Mo Xuanyu's bullies not only leave him alone but also transfer schools to the other side of the country. Their donations to the school are now replaced with Mo Xuanyu's "uncles" support and so nobody is impacted.

And this is the story of how Mo Xuanyu was adopted by two demon king husbands.

[melanodis]

*EidoLotus voice* M... More...? More Natah...? 👉👈

FR FR i am SO curious about her. What is ur design rationale what r ur headcanons for her please please elaborate... I wanna knoweee

- Leo 🦁

really old doodle ft nimbus (my friend's mimic oc) yayyy

The doodles above don't really do her much justice but I wanted a really quick mockup. She has the little elbow feathers on the sides of her head :)

@leolithe

She's like a fish or some kind of creature to me, at least in her more sentient form.

I do really like the interpretation of her as a system but I don't do it myself because I'm simply not educated enough on the topic nor have much firsthand experience with them in order to comfortably do so.

She also occasionally visits the drifter camp and has a little hangout area in the cave just for her.

Post TNW she's a lot more... loose? Unhinged, even? Faced with the realization that you have free now and can do whatever you want. With how Hunhow sits in the oceans of Uranus it makes me associate sentients with being aquatic so I like to think she just... dives into the streams of the camp or even in Cetus to catch fish to eat. See above image.

More rambling under the cut.

Along the same vein, she also struggles with having to remember she does in fact have free will now. She doesn't HAVE to play mission control 24/7. I imagine outside of the little pod she has on Lua, she has an entire nice little living area all to herself, adorned with porcelain, gold, and many lush plants. Something that even the Orokin would gawk at. A library full of texts long thought lost, many in dead languages from old Earth.

For more rationale towards my design; I wanted her to sort of embrace her sentient nature more, maybe looking kind of aggressive and colorful. Like a bird. But she's a big sweetheart, really.

Doing "human" things to break up the monotony of her previous life. Even something as simple as making tea from a kettle. Ballas' line, "Her kind feel no pain". She wants to prove him wrong so badly. To drink tea, burn her tongue a little and this silly human mistake makes her feel alive. That little flinch and shock down her spine as her nerves recover. Maybe a little wave, "oops".

She's genuinely so tragic. Spending millennia as a pawn just to switch hands multiple times. The deception, the manipulation, the gaslighting. Then finally being freed and just... not knowing what to do with yourself because you can't remember what it was like without being manipulated, by facets of constructed selves in your mind or by external forces. gggggghuhhhhh.

While my Natah still kinda takes from facets of Margulis, it's more of a like, uncanny valley type way. It looks like her but something is Off.

More or less Lotus is used to talking to brick walls. So for someone to actually actively listen to her (and not roll their eyes, shrug it off) and engage in conversation is actually insane to her. Like reading off a script your entire life and suddenly being forced to scramble together your own coherent sentences. Narrating her every thought in her head like the silly machine she is. "Oh god, it's been 2.3 seconds and I'm sweating bullets. She's looking at me. I haven't formulated a sentence. It's been 3 seconds now. She's raising her eyebrow awaiting a response. Um. UM." An awkward grin.

I have taken to kinda smashing her like barbies with Eudico, with what I have dubbed "mom squared (mom²)", two people learning through each other what it actually means to be human. Eudi retelling what it's like to be organic (originally), Natah taking notes. What a "normal" family would've been like. It's all completely new to her but it's so interesting to contrast against her own.

Something cool I found from decompiling her model is that the Lotus helmet perfectly covers the face seams on her sentient form.

Aaaand an excerpt from my notes that I've held onto forever.

-

Something something about Eudi being warm and Natah being cold and comparing that their bodies are both synthetic but completely different architectures. Themes of Corpus technology in sterile white rooms whereas Sentients live and thrive in those warm (colored, i doubt drifting in the dead of space is warm lmao), organic Sentient murex.

It's like. How the Warframes are more or less just tech meat. Sentients too, created by the Orokin, would probably follow the same flavor of design.

"Time and time again, you've had to rebuild yourself with nothing but scraps... why not change things up sometime?"

Eudico shrugs.

"Why don't you? You can be anything you want."

"I guess we've both grown too comfortable in our bodies, then."

"There's pieces of my parents in me. Like my face, that defines me as a person, gives me an identity and paired with a unique voice to match. But that's about all I have left that's mine."

"I think I get it. It would be.. rude, to get rid of those features."

"More sentimental value than anything, Really. Plus, I like my red hair. It's.. quite rare in Corpus society."

And Natah continues to cling onto Margulis, because no matter her form we still see facets of her.

[elvisabutler]

gunmetal

summary: elvis loves his guns. you think he loves you. question is are those mutually exclusive. fandom: elvis presley | elvis 2022 pairing: elvis presley x female reader rating: m word count: 3328 not even remotely talking about it. it happened alright? warnings: gun kink. elvis's sexual issues. minor implied food kink maybe? use of a gun in penetrative ways. masturbation ( m and f ). implied future oral ( f ). older/later elvis described/implied. ( i'm not meaning that in a warning re: weight, it's more i do know that some would prefer to not interact with elvis as he was toward the end of his life in ways that are sexual ). minor daddy kink, as in reader calls elvis daddy and he refers himself as daddy. it's not super in your face. minor mommy kink on elvis's part. also unhealthy bdsm practices because you know, no one in this is necessarily fully sober/in good states of mind. just really y'all, this is a...ride. also thigh riding and squirting. author's note: okay. so let me explain myself. this gif is not indicative of the exact time frame for elvis i chose for this though have at it, pick austin elvis and 73ish as ya man here if you want. i definitely did not. so. i read a set of fics that had kinks i don't have in the slightest because i was curious ( because i've been in fandom/the internet too long and i look at dead dove don't eat on some fics and think it's a challenge ) and i faintly regret my choices with it. but it made me basically be like jimmie where i say things like "i don't know what i'm thinking". said fic set has wormed its way into my brain where it lives and tosses me like two pennies and a bit of lint for rent. this is the bit of lint. i am sorry for this. if y'all actually want another gun kink fic from me, i'll probably write it come november but i wanted to do something different with this. i don't know what this is. when i said unhinged, i didn't necessarily mean sexy. watch this be accidentally sexy. also hi, yeah this is day 13 of kinktober, gun kink with elvis. and yes i have had to edit this three times.

Elvis- You love Elvis. God help you and saints preserve you, but you love him. You love him enough that you forget how he can be, how you forget how he slowly is becoming a version of him that you're not sure you want to be with. He's possessive and mercurial on his best days, possessive and terrifying on his worst. Priscilla had warned you, Linda had warned you, they had both told you that Elvis takes and takes and takes and while he gives and gives and gives it's complicated. It's maybe never what you need.

You're giving though, you're the type of girl Elvis needs right now. Someone to keep him in check, to try and slide him into something inching toward health even as his body wants to rebel against him.

But Elvis takes, Elvis has desires that he'd keep unspoken for some girls. But Priscilla took it, Linda took it- his true girls- his girls he wanted to keep would take it. Would take what he wanted to give them. Elvis likes to combine the things he loves into something he figures is better than the two things apart. It's with his food, his music and truthfully his needs and wants in the bedroom. You're his girl and they're his girls and the values them more anything in the world other than little Lisa. They even outrank you and you know it. Girls may come and go but Elvis's guns? Oh those girls are forever, his personal harem to pick and choose from and keep close.

Elvis doesn't sleep well after shows, everyone has told you that from the second you said hello and he said ain't you the prettiest thing this side of the Mississippi. You are always riled up after shows, always a squirming mess he carts off to the bedroom the second he gets to the hotel. Some nights- like this particular night he's not up to the task of fucking you. A sign of his age, maybe a sign of how his body wants to betray him at the one thing he enjoys as much as- well as much he knows things are twisted in his head. He is hungry after the shows though and after this particular show he's got you in his lap, on one of his thighs, your body bouncing and grinding as you use its substantial size to provide pressure to your clit, to your cunt to every part of your body in between your legs. You're facing him and occasionally your hands drift down to his stomach, wanting to feel it, wanting to feel his chest and every part of him. He always gives you a look over his glasses before moving your hand back up to his arm. He can see your face starting to twist like he knows it does when you're heading toward your release, he's impressed tonight. Normally you require his fingers on your clit or pinching at your nipples. Maybe these big thighs were good for something, tonight.

"Make a mess of your Daddy, darlin'. Stain the jumpsuit, hm?" He murmurs into your ear before feeling you shudder against him, your body taking his words to be a command. He places a light kiss against your neck. You find that it feels sticky.

"Are you-" You start and pause, eyeing Elvis, watching him stare at you with those eyes that if nothing else- if all else fails him- would draw in even the strongest of individuals. "Do I need to help you?"

He hums before exhaling, shifting his body to get a little more comfortable on the chair he's sitting in. "Depends on your answer to my question."

"What is it?" You're genuinely curious, Elvis's eyes seem a little brighter today and you have hope tonight might be a good night for both of you.

His hands move to cup your face, pulling you in for a soft kiss. You have to climb up onto him a little from your position but you find you don't mind. From his pleased hum you can feel vibrate against your body you figure he doesn't mind either.

"I wanna see you play with my guns. One of my favorites. I'll take the ammo and everything out just for tonight." He can already picture it, picture you on the bed, him in this chair, his cock in his hand and you- and you on your shared hotel bed writhing as you brushed your clit against the metal. "'m not feeling up to fuckin' ya tonight, but I wanna come watching ya."

You force a smile on your face, it's not that you don't want to do it- it's a strange request, but not unwelcome- it's just you had hoped it would not be a take take take night and instead be a give give give night. "Which one, daddy?" You added daddy to see him smile.

It works.

He chose one with a long barrel, whispering as your ground your ass against him that it was to give you the length he knew you craved. Sure, you enjoyed his girth in more ways than one but sometimes it was just the length you needed. His pajama pants are down by his ankles as he settles into the chair and you allow your fingers to play with yourself, slowly getting yourself prepared for what you're going to do. You're always a little more wet than normal when you have Elvis watching you and tonight is surprisingly no exception. You never used to be like this, never used to be turned on at the thought of someone watching you but Elvis has a way of turning things you thought you knew about yourself on its head. His eyes are zeroed in on your cunt, watching your fingers disappear in and out, glistening ever so slightly with your juices and he can't help the low groan he lets out at it, his hand moving to lazily stroke his cock. Yes, he'd like to get off watching you on his gun, watching you come all over it like you did his thigh not even an hour before, like you have on his cock but he's not in a rush. Next show isn't even for another few days, so if he wants he could lay you out on this bed like the buffet you are and take his time savoring every last morsel and drop of you.

"What are you looking at?" You whisper a little breathlessly, two of your fingers teasing your clit like Elvis had many times before.

"You." He answers simply, his thumb brushing over his tip. "Watchin' how you're preppin' yourself. Thinkin' I oughta help, but there's somethin' about watching ya."

Your lips curl into a lazy smile. "You're always- You know I love it when you do. Maybe tomorrow morning you can play with me like this? Spread my pretty lips open and taste me. Maybe there will be a hint of the metal."

If a growl leaves his throat, if a growl leaves his throat and has him sounding like his Harley revving up, you and him don't comment on it. "Don't be a tease, baby. Think you might be prepped enough. It's thinner than me, 'member that."

You hum before letting out a heavy and mildly overexaggerated sigh. "I guess you're right." Your hand encircles the grip of gun, noting how cold it is with a shiver. Your eyes look up at Elvis before you tilt your head and drag the barrel across your skin, starting from your neck and moving down to your chest, letting the cool metal brush against your overheated skin. "It's cold."

He gulps as he pumps his cock, watching how your npples pebble after the barrel swipes by them. If he could, if he wanted to get up from this chair, he's walk over to you and warm them up, take your nipples in his mouth and suck on them, bite at them, watch you keen and writhe against him. He won't though, because he just wants to watch you.

When you finally reach your cunt, you practically jump at the first brush of the metal against your cunt. You think maybe you should have sucked on it first, given it some warmth before you had it touch you, but it was too late for that. You take a deep breath and look at Elvis unblinking as you slowly shove the barrel of the gun into your cunt. If you were closer to him you'd likely see how the blue of his eyes is completely taken over by the black of his pupil, you'd see how his mouth has dried out from the small pants he can't stop himself from taking and you'd notice how he looks- he looks like he does onstage. He looks completely full of life and ready to strike at the one person he has in his gaze. You.

His breath is shallow the longer he looks, the longer he looks and pumps himself, the precum covering his cock, his jar of lube unused for him. "Goddamn, little one, you should see- drive a man wild, fucking yourself on his gun. Gonna smell like you, won't be able to be at the range without remembering you- won't be able to shoot it without remembering this. Gonna have to explain to the boys why I popped a boner like a fuckin' teenager."

You huff out a laugh, your body letting out a shiver as it tries to adjust to the intrusion of something you're not used to. "Don't wear such tight pants and they won't know. Is this going to be your new favorite?"

He nods. "Gonna have it tucked in somewhere every damn show. Maybe it'll be a good luck charm."

A good luck charm for you and him, a sign that you two will last like him and 'Cilla didn't, like him and Linda didn't. You did this for him, they didn't, they had- your limits are always far more malleable than theirs were. Not a bad thing but it give him some hope.

You pull the barrel out of your cunt and press it against your swollen clit, hissing as you do. "Christ, Daddy, I didn't realize I'd be so sensitive. I'm- how close are you?"

You want to come, but he hasn't and you refuse to be that greedy, not for him right now. Not for him when he's having a good night, not a great night, but a good one and you want to savor it. If you're trying not to move the gun, letting the barrel stay pressed against your clit in order to stave off your impeding orgasm he doesn't say anything.

His hand moves faster, knowing that he is pretty close, he wants to come for you, wants to show you what you've done to him, how you've made him feel. "Talk me through it, Mama."

Your eyes had slipped closed as you lost yourself in the sensations of the metal, the smell of your arousal and sex in the room, the taste of what Elvis had been eating earlier lingering on your tongue. Your eyes had been closed but they shoot open at the word Mama. He was- oh, he was in that sort of mood. Oh, you could oblige.

"Talk you through it, sweetheart? Talk you through how Mama wants to see you come? I worked hard, I took your gun for you. Would have taken it all night for you but your thigh- You let Mama come on your thigh earlier, she doesn't have that many in her tonight." Your voice is practically a murmur but you know Elvis can hear you, can hear how you sound how your voice has an edge of neediness. "I need you to come so I can, sweetheart. You don't need to wait. The sooner you do it, the sooner we can clean up and we can go to sleep. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Us taking care of each other like that tonight. You did good tonight, just like I did. Come for Mama, Elvis, show me how much you appreciate me."

That does it, you asking him to show how much he appreciates you doing this, how much he appreciates you in his life. He comes with a groan, coating his hand and the towel he had put underneath him with his come. He doesn't say anything, doesn't have the energy to, his head lulling to the side a little as he watches you finally move the gun, finally allow it to press against your clit- rub against your clit in a way that has you shivering. You're close and you know that you could likely come without the penetration, you should come without it, but you decide at the last second to slide the gun barrel back inside you as you flutter around it, coming with a hiss because everything is so overwhelming that your throat can't even manage anything else. When you pull the gun out it's covered in your fluids, glistening in the light of the room. You look at the sheets and realize you might have squirted. A bit of shame twists in your gut at that, because this what what made you squirt? Fucking yourself on your boyfriend's gun? What kind of woman were you? Elvis still hasn't gotten up from the chair, his eyes lazily moving between you, the gun and the wet spot. His lips curl into a smirk.

"Ruined the sheets and my jumpsuit. Ain't you a menace to fabrics." He whispers as you stand up and move towards him. You stop and hold out your hand to pull him up from the chair. He eyes it and shakes his head. You keep it there until he takes it with a huff, stepping completely out of his pants as he does.

"I'm your menace, Elvis. Shower?" You hold his hand, linking your fingers together as you lead him to the bathroom.

"Then bed. Gonna let me lay on ya chest tonight?" He asks, pulling you closer to him, his arms wrapping around you like he's that teddy bear he sang about almost two decades ago.

"If it helps you sleep tonight, yeah." A pause. "Love you."

A low hum and a kiss to your temple is the only answer you get back. You'll take it for now.

[dribs-and-drabbles]

Dead Friend Forever ep 8

I had started a re-watch of eps 1-4 - I got half way through ep 1 over breakfast this morning - but I came home tonight to a message from @kayatoasted which implied that I should finish catching up with the eps before I do my re-watch. So, here goes!

Let's see how Non can fuck his life up even more!

I like Tee's shirt, it's not one I've seen before and I want to see it again.

I wonder why we haven't seen any of the repercussions for the tutor because of the leaked video...

Am I supposed to recognise that man who walked out of the Tee's Uncle's place when Khun Keng sat down?

He was not being subtle at all. No wonder they went after him...but running him down is a bit of an extreme reaction to someone just looking a bit shifty in their food stall.

Ok so Khun Keng is dead.

Wow this is really hard to watch. Poor Non. Not only is he second/youngest child but he has to live up to his older brother who's doing well, and Non just keeps fucking up. And both parents should take equal responsibility not just blame the other.

I'm wondering if we're going to be seeing Non without his medication...

'JRPP' posted the video (What if it was Non? What if Non has split personalities? But then how would he have gotten the video from Jin? 🤔)

So Tee kind of has a conscience...he's an ass to Non but doesn't want him killed.

Non has snapped, obviously, but I wonder how much of that is to do with him not taking his medication. I'm leaning more towards it being for a mental illness and this is all really exacerbating it. I love unhinged Non though.

It is funny how Jin and tee have reversed roles... And that framing was delicious - Jin trapped in the situation.

Another BANGER of a t-shirt for Non - 'We all get lost sometimes' - that's both metaphorical and physical isn't it? 😂

And oooo is that the knife he's putting his that bag?

I loved the contrast between the first episode - when they arrive at the house they sound pleasantly surprised it's not that far/long but now they're moaning about how long it took to get there. PERSPECTIVE.

Oh and that water is going to be spiked, isn't it?

🤣 I'm actually laughing at their very real fear of Non. I can't see how it's going to end but this is brilliant! Yes! they all get to hear how awful Tee is 👏🏽

Damn, Fluke, I want to shake him - 'I have no part in this', when his passiveness is actually a choice to allow the bad things to happen to Non, therefore he absolutely does have a hand in it.

I love that Non's dad, who has been accused by Non's mum of caring too much for Non, is in a dark blue shirt showing his support, and Non's mum, who has been accused by Non's dad of not caring enough, is in the cream top.

And Phee is also in a dark blue shirt! And he's still wearing the red bracelet! DELICIOUS! So he still cares about Non...and I think he will be avenging Non in the future.

Love the parallel of making Jin drink the beer and making him drink the alcohol in the first ep. I don't know why Jin sticks with them when he clearly doesn't like them or agree with what they do...and yet he's still there in the future. But also, maybe this is why he's going abroad. To get away from them.

I also love the ambiguity of whether Tee's uncle killed Non or not, and that Tee really wants to know.

Oh is that watch Khun Keng's that Tee's uncle is wearing?

Yay! Phee's still in blue!

Ohhhh what if everything in the future is more about Tee's uncle and Phee's father?! So Phee gets in with that group because of Tee and wanting to help his dad somehow to get Tee's uncle and in the process discovering what happened to Non and avenge him...? That's a long-ass ploy because the future events are at least 2 years after what we're seeing now...

Oh poor Phee. Yes! avenge your pookie!

WHAT. WAS. THAT?! Is that Tan maybe?!

In my ep 1 rewatch, I was wondering about how Phee and Tan got to know the group and wondered if they (Phee and Tan) knew each other before and both transferred together with a purpose in mind...and now after that trailer for ep 9 I'm leaning more towards exactly that. One thing I am a bit confused about though is that the way Non's mum talks implies that she doesn't work but the first time we saw her she had on what looked like a police uniform, no?

[chaseprice]

7. your preferred writing fonts, 11. a WIP you’d like to finish someday, and 17. talk about your writing and editing process

7. times new roman, arial, and i'm gettin into cambria lately heheh

11. literally so manyyy that have been in the works for years, i cannot pick just one... i am Most keen to get this amberchase bartending au oneshot published because i know i am a few sentences away from finishing it, but god it's long. so i need a patient beta reader ;-; in terms of WIPs that are already out there, i feel a strong duty to finish MTWS, but it's a massive project in my mind and i find that hard. Unravel i find easier to write, and so i'm also keen on getting that one done soon. in terms of unpublished work, there's a post-game chloe frazer/nadine ross one that's also been a wip forever, an amberpricefield college oneshot, and another multichap that's 10 yrs post-sacrifice arcadia bay fic with chloe & max (& victoria), that i think i've got some really good pieces of writing within, but i will not allow myself to focus on these ones enough when i've got all that other stuff on the go

17. it's not a good one! sobs... i tend to go through phases where i just write for hours and lose myself in it, then i spend forever nitpicking and editing what i've written and struggling to get the motiviation to actually progress the story, because my mind just goes blank and i get distracted lol. i'm not sure what it is that gives me that energy and motivation sometimes. sometimes i take my notebook places and just write pages of notes of things i want to happen, so i don't forget about random ideas that have come to me (mtws i do this a lot, e.g.), whereas with other oneshots sometimes i don't have any clear plan or vision i just have at it. Unravel is an absolutely unhinged project behind the scenes because i have a document full of chaseprice excerpts i'd written since literally being like 17 years old, and i pick and chose parts of that to fit into the story i wanted to tell, then end up surprising myself while in the writing process by taking it in completely different directions

[selemina]

Time for a thing I've never done on here: writting down my thoughts on a thing I like.

Today I am talking about the Dream SMP SEASON 1 Finale. (Hopefully I tagged it correctly, if not, SPOILERS AHEAD)

I started it with Tubbo. Incredibly gripping acting, he had such a hard time actually launching the nukes knowing Tommy would die. Jack being there, obviously dying to get it done so he could be rid of Tommy, but also trying to remain a friend for Tubbo, in his own goofy/rough way, was fantastic. And their conflict once the nuke launches put into light the core issue of the server : everyone wants peace, but grudges built up so high with no perspective, that now all that is left is harm. Harm, and trauma, and everything being taken from everyone by everyone else.

All everyone wants is for it to stop. Whatever it takes. Including if it means nuking the server, because the hurt built up on itself to this breaking point.

Them failing to reach Tommy was heartbreaking. Jack was barely starting to have hope to be with his friends again, Tubbo tried so hard to save Tommy, rather than keeping himself safe like he promised. But it was always going to be this way, wasn't it? He was always going to come running after his best friend.

I then went back to watch Jack's stream, set before Tubbo's, to get a full picture. There were already signs of hope from Jack that Tubbo might get away from harm (in his mind, Tommy) and get happier with him. So later when Tubbo re-defined what the harm was (Dream and Tommy's CONFLICT!), it helped Jack balance his opinion on Tommy, at least enough to try to save him to the very end, even when Tubbo had given up.

I don't think he forgave him just like that. But he understood that Tommy was hurting, and that was a part of why he did everything he did that harmed Jack.

And we find this same theme of understanding on Tommy's stream. Not FORGIVENESS, but understanding.

Desperate to hold Dream and Punz in place, Tommy had the right idea, to make them talk about themselves. Except this time he also had to listen, to pay attention. In case he could get new buttons to push to keep them there. And, through the frankly unhinged and evil talk, he did start to see it too : Dream had been hurting. Because of him, because of the mounting grudges, the escalation of pain and retribution. Again, the true plague on the server, and like everybody else, Dream had suffered from it.

His way to deal with it is bad : torture, experiments, mind games, revenge in every direction. Getting lost in his work, anything to look away from the pain and the loss. His road to immortality was his "nuke", his "after that we can be happy and free, so the cost now does not matter".

Tommy and Dream are very similar. But Punz and Tommy were both right in the previous stream : Tommy thinks too small, and Dream thinks too big. Tommy is selfish, and his scale is very human ; Dream has lost touch with that very human scale, and only sees concepts and greater things.

And they both hurt one another because of it. Tommy obsesses over the harm Dream dealt him, while Dream is too disconnected to realize how SEVERE the harm he's doing is, because "in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter."

"I would have revived you." with a scoff, against a shaking "But it hurts...!"

And that, to me, is where the finale became incredible.

Tommy, selfish, self-centered Tommy, saw through the layers of pain. He empathised. He's been there, even if his way of coping was to curl up within himself and lash out, rather than disconnect from it to go play god. It would have been easy to keep going. Satisfying maybe, to push Dream in the lava and kill him. To be selfish again and only think of his own pain. But that is where Tommy really showed strength and growth : he UNDERSTOOD Dream. Not forgave him, no the harm remains, and it would take forever and an insane amount of good will to heal that... but Tommy had the strength to give the first bit of this good will to Dream.

Because someone has to break the cycle. Because if everyone wants peace, why can't they start to let go of the grudges, and gain perspective?

It demands an amount of vulnerability that is striking, to let go of grief and accept that you hurt someone. And to apologise for the harm done is even harder. It does not invalidate everything that happened : Dream still tortured and played with Tommy. Tommy still ambushed and killed Dream, dividing the server, and refusing to stay down.

But through this bit of good will and understanding, Tommy showed Dream that they could do something else but fight. They could talk. Dream's pain could be taken seriously, not just shoved far at the back of his mind and ignored. Tommy showed him that he could think BIGGER than himself... and that Dream could think smaller, think about himself on a human scale.

"It's not worth it, right?" "Why not? Tell me why not?"

Tommy, selfish Tommy, reached out. And Dream, hurt and dangerous Dream, agreed to come down and take his hand. A first step, for once in the same direction. For once with the same goal of peace. Not perfect, not easy, but human, so incredibly human!

And they never got the time to go further, because of the nuke. Tommy clearly regretted that, and apologized (in my opinion) for robbing both of them of more time to maybe heal finally. Because despite understanding and perspective, the consequences of the harm done still existed. And there was no way to escape it.

At least not on that server. That is where a lot of sentiments from many CCs come into play : comments, in and out of character, about how the smp is a violent, destructive place. Build a house out of wood and it will be burnt to the ground. Hide your belongings, expect to die, trust no one. The smp is like living under a constant state of terror. Despite Eret and Aimsey's efforts and first steps towards a better, sainer state for the smp, the damage is done, the grudges are weaved into the history of every block.

The only way is to start anew, with none of those grudges. Which means, none of those memories. A clean slate, to do better. A clean slate, to breathe again, and have fun. Something new, with this knowledge on understanding and perspective, that comes with age and experience.

Would I have loved to see Dream and Tommy continue to take time, carefully dancing around one another, balancing compassion and trauma to finally forgive one another and become friends? Fuck yeah! I live for that healing shit, for people learning to cope with how they hurt others and how they got hurt, for remorses and relapses, and the care and patience it takes to FORGIVE when the time is right and the growth is real! But do I think the CCs had time for that? No. And they were too many characters, and too shackled by history and their own personalities to all follow that path of healing. So taking this into account, YES starting over was a good move!

And if I know many are bitter about how "easy" that is, rejoice! We get to experience a new era! I have heard so much about "the begining times of the smp", we get to live it again now! New, different, the possibilities are endless! :D It's time for us as well to let go of the past and finally get what we wanted : peace and joy and something new!

I cannot wait to see what happens next! This finale was powerful and subtle, with layers of doom and sensitivity, it was human and emotional and full of despair and hope! Growth, so much growth, 2 years of experience! This next season is going to be fantastic, and I hope the CCs have fun with it regardless of what anybody online says! :D

[voxofthevoid]

JJK 216: Well, that's a lot less incest (zero incest, in fact) than what the post-leaks internet reaction led me to believe

I don't really avoid leaks or spoilers before I read the chapter over the weekend, so since Wednesday, I've been seeing everything from Reddit posts to wholeass articles on incest-related developments. I assume it's worse over on Twitter because I always assume everything is worse on Twitter.

Then I read the actual chapter and...what incest? There's not even a hint of it. Yorozu and Sukuna seem headed for a bloodbath, and though the two fighting while possessing siblings is extremely interesting in terms of what it'll do to the remnants of Megumi (and Tsumiki, maybe), I don't understand the "lovers in the bodies of siblings" reaction (I saw that caption with my own two eyes). Seriously, this is disappointing for anyone who'd be into the incest angle, and anyone who's outraged is making one hell of a stretch. The genre could take a hard left into hentai and Sukuna and Yorozu could start full-on fucking next chapter, and it still wouldn't be incest. I lost brain cells to this take.

Onto the actual content:

The bath and the protagonists

I'm very curious how long the bath took, plus all the travel time (Kenjaku's Flying Fishmobile seems... efficient at least). The ten months and ten days bit is for the original process, right? How long has Sukuna been in there? Days or just hours? I'm also dying to see the state of Megumi's soul now. I don't think it's the last we've seen of him as himself, but the longer Sukuna is in him, the more it seems to seal Megumi's ultimate fate. That said, jumping right into fighting/killing Tsumiki for good seems like it will backfire on Sukuna. I hope it will. It's been established that Megumi fights back the hardest when his loved ones are in danger, and while killing Tsumiki might destroy his soul (though it would be interesting if his reaction is unhinged rage rather than immediate grief), it also seems like the kind of thing that would make him fight back the hardest. Sukuna versus Yorozu is shaping up to be pivotal to Megumi's character arc, and I am buying popcorn as we speak.

I also wonder if the bath has taken a long enough time that Yuuji and Maki (and Takaba and...maybe the Angel, if she and Hana survived) have regrouped with Yuuta and Hakari + Kashimo. Yuuta's absence in Sendai hints at that, I hope. I don't know whether I want the next chapter to jump right into Sukuna versus Yorozu or pan back to Yuuji and co. dealing with this clusterfuck.

Sukuna's appearance

Sukuna being shown to retain Megumi's appearance on purpose also resolves my confusion about how Yorozu retained Tsumiki's looks. Guess there's more control involved in that whole process than I'd previously assumed. But Megumi's soul is clearly still kicking inside, so does complete eradication of the soul by the incarnated sorcerer forcibly reset the body? In the same vein, is preserving the original soul to some extent needed for the incarnated sorcerer to retain the vessel's appearance? The fight between Sukuna and Yorozu will be more interesting if there's some of Tsumiki left in there, rather than it just being about Megumi and his pain. It's a doomed end for her either way, I think, but at least give her a somewhat active role in this whole mess.

On a related note, I am cackling at how Yorozu apparently found the time to stop and find some makeup. Way to go, buddy. Fight and fall in style. In all seriousness, I do love how that hair and face make Yorozu look quite distinct from Tsumiki while retaining the same base design:

Hello <3

Also, Sukuna's line about preferring Megumi's face strikes me as particularly hilarious. One, damn, dude, you just won't let up on Yuuji, will you? Kenjaku doesn't seem happy. Hurt parental feelings, hurt mad scientist pride, or both? Who knows.

Two, fandom has been theorizing forever that Sukuna's original appearance kind of resembles Yuuji's (and what that may imply with regard to Kaori-Kenjaku's experimentation with fetus!Yuuji and Yuuji's body/bloodline overall), and from that lens, it's like Sukuna's giving himself a little impromptu makeover.

It's also interesting how his answer to Yorozu is so different from the one he gave Kenjaku. The latter is probably the more honest one, while the response to Yorozu is just Sukuna's usual battle persona, but that brings me to:

Sukuna and Kenjaku

I would read a whole arc of just these characters interacting. I low-key want a full-on flashback segment just to see more of OG Kenjaku's interactions with Sukuna (and OG Kenjaku in general).

I love them, your honor. Guess Yuuji inherited his mum's irreverence for Sukuna.

Seriously though, I think this is the most casual/disrespectful anyone other than Yuuji or Gojou has acted toward Sukuna without any consequences. With Gojou, Sukuna was outclassed, and with Yuuji, he seemed to have been biding his time while getting his kicks where he could. I'm dying to see how it will end with these two. Allies or not, I don't see their agendas, whatever the fuck they are, matching up in the long run.

Overall, I'm still not a fan of Megukuna, the plot continues to be extremely compelling, Yorozu is smoking hot, and I'd sell my soul to Kenjaku with the full awareness that it'll backfire on me.

[toseeclearly]

i deleted everything by accident

I deleted everything by accident, and now I am grieving.

It's not that these things were important, technically. I deleted a tumblr I barely used or looked at; a place where I would start to write a post, get cold feet, and then leave it in the drafts until I no longer wanted to do anything with it. That's all it was, a graveyard to things I was never going to complete, ideas I'd given up on, plans I never followed through with.

But still, the day they rip the memorial down is still sad, and you'll forever walk by that lamp post and remember that, at one point, there were flowers here.

So I guess I just... use this how I used to use the internet: like a diary. I was once a dedicated blogger, back in the days when being a "blogger" had some sort of caché (I think if you said that now, someone would assume you were using some sort of throwback term, like asking aloud if anyone knew of a video store they could check out. Are there any video stores left? I don't know, and I don't feel like googling right now). I wanted to be a writer, a blogger, I wanted to be like all the cool teens I followed who had custom webpages with sections where they'd post about their thoughts and other sections for cool things they did with their friends. I wanted to be their friend and be posted on their cool blog! But this was the early 2000s, where the only way to contact these people was to either stalk a forum they might be on, or email them directly, and both of those always felt unappealing. So instead, I wrote about my life and my friends, read my friends blogs, hoped to be cool enough to be included. Hundreds of posts, stories and essays and quiz results and absolutely atrocious poetry, we wrote so much, I wrote so much. And all of it is gone, now. Blogs long deleted, websites no longer active, everything lost to digital decay. Or, if you're me, you delete your tumblr by accident while massively tired and only realise too late what you've done. More decay, more insignificant pieces of the web burned away. I'm the only one who cares, but that's fine. I can... rebuild. Or just use this space for my own terrible navel gazing.

I write a lot. I have a fair amount of published work, but I also write a lot that never sees the light of day (and probably never should, mostly for quality control issues). I spent a lot of nights writing Parkdale Haunt, a lot of very late evenings hammering out page after page after page until my eyes hurt and my brain was trying to escape my skull, but it felt good. It was a good time. There's several episodes where I wrote the first draft in a complete haze, like when you're running a marathon (NOTE: I have never run a marathon, but like, stick with me here, I'm just extrapolating from my time as a long distance runner) (SECOND NOTE: I hated long distance running and quit to focus on sprinting and hurdling, which I loved, because sprinting is designed for people who want all their endorphins RIGHT NOW and hurdling is designed for masochists, and the 400m hurdles is the perfect race if you just want to punish yourself for any feeling of hubris that you've ever had in your entire curséd life) and you're just zoning out and pushing through any thought you might have that says hey man, what if you just - oh, I don't know - lied down on that patch of grass over there? Yeah, that would be sick as fuck. Writing feels like that for me sometimes, like hey, wouldn't it be nice to just go to bed? Yeah, bed is good. But then I would look down and there'd be 15 pages in front of me, and I'd feel... great. And also exhausted and vaguely headachy, but great. Then I would just spam Emily and/or Ian with screenshots of scenes at random times. Being in my vicinity means you're getting unhinged screenshots at some point.

So I've been writing again. I've got two scripts going for a new show, here's to hoping it works out. And I guess I can write here when I need/want to procrastinate. I don't have much of a footprint left after I threw my fucking shoes in the ocean.

All this has done is made me miss hurdling.

[coconutcordiale]

17 q's

thank you sm @double-j @heartsofminds @mothdruid @mandylove1000 for tagging me ily all this was fun!

nickname; mae (it's my middle name)

sign; virgo

height; i literally thought i was 5'2 my entire adult life and then went to my flight physical a few months ago to have the nurse tell me i was 5'4 so let's go with 5'3

last thing i googled; 'hurt locker cereal scene' because it's not enough that i watched the movie last night i now have to watch that scene 10 times so i can write a stupid long fic inspired by it (don't come for me, i know i have other stuff to finish. but for real that scene is brilliant)

song stuck in head; summer in new york- sofi tukker

number of followers; 1044 (i love you guys tysm for following me even though i'm unhinged)

amount of sleep; 6 hours which is low for me i'm a 9 hour kinda gal but i stayed up late watching hell or high water (that movie is so good how i have i not seen it before - my dads been telling me to watch it since it came out i really should listen to him more)

lucky number; i really like the number 39. and 19. no idea why. so my lucky number is probably 9?

dream job; writer (yes i know i'm in flight school don't talk to me it's for the $$ and to only work 3 days a week)

wearing; ptula leggings, aerie sports bra, socks with wine glasses on them (????), tcu sweatshirt

movie/book that summarizes you; oh man this is a loaded question. am i allowed to say new girl? i don't have roommates anymore but the whole running theme of trying to figure yourself out, you and all your friends being too old to act the way you do (ex: my friends are getting a bounce house for their nye party), having to grow up but not really wanting to while simultaneously feeling very old. i'm at the age where most acquaintances have started getting married and having kids but the people in my core group are not there yet (and may never be). a lot of that show hits home

favorite song; SO MANY so i have to give you a few, ones that have stuck with me through the years that always hit no matter what mood i'm in

future people- alabama shakes

arabella- arctic monkeys

late night- odesza

favorite instrument; the cello. no rhyme or reason. i just love it i think it's hauntingly beautiful (see above about new girl summarizing me: i'm nick miller with good hygiene)

aesthetic; very 70s / 80s (but think like, everybody wants some 80s not hairband 80s). i love bright, bold, lots of color, maximalist style. modern farmhouse makes me shake with anger

favorite author; oooooh boy. i'm weird about claiming specific authors because people love to disappoint you so lets go with favorite books

the book of salt- monique truong

a visit from the goon squad- jennifer egan

welcome to my country- lauren slater

confessions of a sociopath- m.e. thomas

i'm also in the middle of devotion- adam makos & flights- olga tokarczuk right now and they're both fantastic

fun fact- i learned how to make latte art years ago??? i'm pretty sure i could deadlift glen powell?? i've been to every us state except 2? i have no idea what i'm doing with my life? do these qualify, idk

no pressure tags- @currentlybradshaw @thewrittennerd @sweetlittlegingy @marsontoast @justfandomwritings @stickxjockey @forever-sleepy-sloth @gigisimsonmars @oncasette

[astralsweetness]

hellooo, i am here to annoy you a little bit with the suju ask game 💙

1, 11, 12, 42, 70, 99, and 100? spill all the details, and add anything you want, i'd love to know :3

This is referring to this post. Yeah sure! Absolutely not annoying me at all, it's fun! I wish more people would talk to me about Suju :( Put beneath a read more cut bcs it will probably be long haha

1. When did you become an ELF? This is sort of hard to quantify, bcs even now I'm not totally sure if I'd consider myself a hardcore enough fan to call myself an "ELF". I first got into Suju when they released Don't Don, bcs that was 100% my shit - rock/metal with a VIOLIN? And a pretty boy screaming??? Bro. So good. When Hangeng inevitably left though I sort of stopped paying attention to them closely - I felt like they were probably going to go through more difficulties and I didn't want to get attached. I kept an eye on Heechul though, bcs I have always loved his voice and tone, whether he's doing screamo in Don't Don or singing rock for M&D or astounding us with rock ballads with Kyunghoon. So if anything I guess I'm not technically an ELF but can classify myself as a Petal since I am definitely a fan of Heechul and always have been. I am only really getting back into them now, so I guess you could say I've been a baby-ELF since Don't Don era and have just never progressed out of that stage haha

11. Your ult bias? & 12. Your bias wrecker? So, @funkywinkyboy and I talked about this recently but I feel like with Suju there aren't ult biases or bias wreckers! I've decided there's a whole different classification for Suju:

The "first and forever bias"

The "they appeared out of nowhere and like a cancerous growth have irrevocably ruined me forever" bias

The "I don't even find them physically/mentally attractive and yet I am drawn to them like a moth to the fucking imploding sun" bias

And then "electron biases" that just float around forever as your little baby (plural) but are not aggravating enough to become the moth to the sun one but also make enough sense that they aren't the cancerous growth one

So if we're following my new classification system lol, Heechul is my first and forever bias, Hyukjae is the cancerous growth bias, Kyuhyun is my moth to the sun bias, and Donghae is my electron bias!

42. Sexiest song or performance? You had to see this coming, considering it's.. well, me, but Hyukjae's VCR from their STYLE tour where he has all the sex toys and bondage equipment and men in heels with floggers chaining him to a bed, etc. That VCR has a grip on my fucking soul. As a domme it is one of my favorite things in the world, and I like the opening performance he does as well, with the chains. You can see the VCR + intro I'm talking about here if you're interested. I am actually in the process of taking screenshots from that VCR and color-correcting them + unblurring them bcs I am so obsessed with it. I'll make one post with them later when I'm done lol, so not gonna add them here 👀 Just gotta keep an eye out for them when I'm done!

70. Funniest or most iconic SuJu moments? God, there's so many. Suju's comedic sense is absolutely phenomenal. Shindong in particular is great at really out of pocket comedic lines. Currently I think my favorite lil moments are Donghae's incessant "Hyukjae~" during their 'Bout You performances, or Leeteuk fighting for his life during No Other while trying to find the camera. Just lil cute things like that I like a lot. Honestly any of the energy of watching Heechul's solo MV behind the scenes too, they're all so unhinged, he just absolutely does not want to be seen as vulnerable and the mental gymnastics he will go through to avoid that is funny lol

99. If SuJu could do anything you wanted, what would you want them to do? (E.g, perform a song live, bring back a member, etc.) I miss Hangeng and Kibum 😭 And ofc Sungmin, but if he was wanted by the group to come back that would have already happened. I feel bad for Kibum bcs he really missed out on all the success Suju had, and Hangeng... just a shitty situation all around for him. I am glad he seems to still be on good terms with the boys tho, and is leading a happy life! Let's see, aside from that... I want SM to do SOMETHING with Zhoumi omg, he wants a Suju-M comeback, give him one :( I also would like a sub-unit with Heechul and Henry doing rock shit, so like.. M&D but with a violin. Obviously that won't ever happen since Henry left but.... pls give me more rock songs! And with violins! ...Man I miss M&D. Pls revive it Heechul, it was so good, I listen to your two albums on repeat still

100. Your favorite thing about SuJu? Burn the Floor? Lmao but seriously, I think my favorite thing about Suju is how they are clearly more than just an idol group. They were originally only supposed to be idols as a sort of back-up to augment their other skills in things like acting and comedy, and it really shows, bcs they excel at those things now too. I love my groups that are attached at the hip and have a close-knit bond that's more than a family, but something about Suju's realistic relationship with one another, where they've grown up and don't always see each other but still (for the most part) get along is nice. It's like being able to see the more realistic side of the industry while still keeping the rose-tinted glasses since they still like one another. You've got to have both to survive I guess - on the one hand you have a group like Pentagon, that will literally waste away into nothingness if they have to be apart from one another, and then on the other hand you've got a group like Suju who is like... I haven't seen one of our members for MONTHS now, I assume he's alive 😂

[gingerteaonthetardis]

Your writing is NOT boring. Also, yes, I'm sure we've all been there, done that, the doubting thing, I mean, but you have to know that while someone might some consider some content not to their tastes, someone other will ask for an additional portion and leftovers of what you're writing.

So...be happy, be writing what you want, don't listen to the voice that whispers second thoughts and doubts, and have fun and enjoy your writing!

But also, again, your writing is never boring 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

awwww, thank you, sasha!! 💓 i appreciate the encouragement as well as the reminder about being/not being to people's taste—i have to remember that no piece of writing (or art!) is truly universal. everyone has their own standards, and it would be sort of unhinged of me to assume i am somehow capable of achieving what no artist or writer has ever done before, in all of history. lol.

i have been for the most part enjoying my writing lately, but every now and then i get suddenly stuck on the idea that i've been out of my mind this entire time... that my prose is too purple, my dialogue isn't witty enough, the emotional core of the narrative (any narrative!) is not a beating heart but a lump of dessicated wood that sits there, doing nothing, and that i am ultimately the most boring person on earth. and to be honest, i'd rather be outright bad (whatever that means) than boring, so then i get the fun urge to self-sabotage and/or abandon ship, throw the whole thing out, change my name, move to a country where nobody speaks english, become a monk, etc. etc.

but you're very right, every person who sets themself to the task of creating something gets this way (on some level... maybe not the 'moving to another country' thing). so i'm gonna power through, enjoy writing as much as i can, and remember to go touch grass when the urge to disappear into the ocean forever becomes overwhelming!

[brokenrobot2004]

It makes me a little sad that I'm going to be convicted forever by the hate blog my ex best friend made about me years ago now; to her, the drama ended with that blog, but to me, it's going to stay forever as long as it's around, because it's one of the first things anyone is going to see when they look me up; I'd be more accepting of it if it wasn't also loosely comprised of buzzwords (Biphobic and ablest are specifically strange to me because I'm bi and diagnosed with autism, and even back when I was aroace I never said anything about bisexuals? I never said anything about any kind of disability either, I was always very respectful about both of those things and have even considered myself bi before now too, when I was 11) and mildly sexualized assumptions that an adult made of posts I made when I was either 10 or 11 years old in the furby community, just trying to fit in with what other people were saying but not entirely having a grip on what they meant and sounding off, when I never meant to sound the way I did at all; like how "Fetishizing trans women" was a post where I angrily mocked my mom calling me cute or girly things because I was a trans guy and found it upsetting, "disabled furby fetish" was me trying to make a positivity post about helping disabled furbies to be inclusive like everyone else was being, one of the things happened to be me saying I'd help a furby who couldn't walk sit on the toilet because I heard around that people taking care of the elderly would do that, so I included it in my post to seem knowledgeable on real ways of helping, and that was it; I really really wish that even while I was an unhinged young teenager, people would have just gently asked before writing those ever-lasting posts, "Hey, did you mean bla-bla-bla when you said this, or did you mean something else?" and I would've answered honestly, I'm sure; I was a bit of a monstrosity the further back you go into history of how I acted on the internet but I was really, not all that terrible to talk to when there was no perceived threat from the person and asking me a rational question would've been easy, I never ever mean to hurt anybody, but now, that's all people are going to think of me; even in real life, because who wouldn't look up my social media in this digital era? 🙁

And it was mostly, if not entirely, consisting of behaviors and views I've grown out of since the 5+ years ago it happened; I have even been met with backlash in 2022 or 2023, for saying I'm sorry to someone I was mean to back then 😯 (I now think that was unnecessary from me, I was very tired that day) what do the people who've cancelled me want from me? I don't think they want me to apologize, or care that I've gotten so much better since then; I think maybe they just want to revel in that I am a complete recluse now socially, a coward; I cannot even say "Cool fursuit!" or "I like your artstyle!" without feeling like somehow, someone will come forward and be able to twist what I've said into something terrible and use it against me if they don't like me, because that's just how people can be online now; it's terrifying. My ex best friend has shunned me behind my back for being so scared, I remember being shown longer ago; but knowing the things that upset her, she would be absolutely broken if someone did to her, what she did to me online; because that shit can ruin careers, it could ruin my chance of ever making a friend again, even IRL because anyone can look me up online; imagine doing that to somebody who was at the time, not even old enough to drink.

I've been called vile, irredeemable, and anonymously told to kill myself once even; I was a 16 year old; a rather air-headed one too yet. Who would talk that way to a 16 year old who made it clear he was trying to improve and never meant to hurt anyone? Who knew he was in the wrong and was trying his hardest to fix it? For young readers rolling their eyes, how absurd that is will click when you're older and realize how inexperienced most people are at that age.

And that isn't keeping in mind how developmentally delayed I always have been too, which I state as a fact and not as an excuse; I don't let it ever stop me from improving myself either, but I feel like it's probably important that I mention that about myself here; I've always been considerably far behind people my age socially and often, intellectually; it was very visible at School especially where alot of the work I did was far behind everyone else's, and was alot slower than them too, and when I was younger I'd hardly get any work done at all even and was very difficult to deal with as a whole; Autism can be a very unflattering disability, it's not generally pure or wholesome, and it has influenced my bad or otherwise embarrassing behavior alot in the past; which I will still take responsibility for; because my illness isn't some seperate entity from me I'd use as an excuse, I just want it to be understood and recognized that I can't function as well as most other people in the head, I never could, and I genuinely just want that to be understood coming from someone who is seriously, detrimentally autistic to a point I had gotten diagnosed with it at a young age; my past outbursts and socially-inept behaviors helped by it gave the internet ridiculous shitshows to point at, and I'll never be able to take that away; what I can do is hope that I'll be atleast somewhat understood in the end, and left alone for how I was such a long time ago now

I've made a good effort to no longer be that way or act immature and freak out like I did long ago, and I can't stop persuing a social presence at such a young age, over the idea that strangers might not understand that about me.

I have no respect for people who think call-out and purity culture are okay and useful towards youth; this stuff was meant for use against megacorperations and rich celebrities that are getting boycotted for being generally harmful and/or gross on a huge scale that affects many innocent people, not stupid teenagers like I was, or even young adults. People learn, grow, and change; I spend and have spent every second of my life finding ways to grow and improve, and taking information in from people I look up to and admire to do so; and came far enough that I am 100% no longer the petty, angry, and immature person I was at the time, and that makes me very proud. I am no longer going to cower in my little corner, shivering at the thought of complimenting someone's 3D model or uploading a piece of music on YouTube; because people who told a scared and confused autistic kid to end his life and tried to take future careers, friendships, or even love away from him with things he's said and done years and years ago, do not deserve my compliance anymore

[dearcarriefisher]

throwing up scallops and percodan

i saw postcards from the edge last night. i have mixed feelings.

the book, well, the book was superb. if i compare the movie to the book, i am hopelessly disappointed. but as a standalone story, it was fine. meryl streep and shirley maclaine are legends. i particularly liked robin bartlett's character. seriously, everyone needs an aretha in their life.

but i kept looking for you. i couldn't see you in this so-called semi-autobiographical story. you of course know better than i. it's your life. i missed your playful, unhinged way of putting two thoughts together that have no business being in the same room as one another.

i was relieved to find a scene or two riffed off your opening paragraph. but really, it doesn't get much better than this:

Maybe I shouldn't have given the guy who pumped my stomach my phone number, but who cares? My life is over anyway. Besides, what was I supposed to do? He came up to my room and gave me that dumb stuffed animal that looks like a thumb, and there I was lying in bed twelve hours after an overdose. I wasn't feeling my most attractive. I'd thrown up scallops and Percodan on him the night before in the emergency room. I thought that it would be impolite to refuse to give him my number. He probably won't call, anyway. No one will ever call me again. (9)

i've been thinking. it's one thing to have your book adapted into a movie. as a writer, i would be both honored and wary about how my story would be rendered. the likelihood of this quandary is minimal as i have no story of which to speak. anyways, it's another thing to see a semi-autobiographical version of yourself passed out in bed with dennis quaid.

my sense is that this is not your first rodeo. you have lived with other people's versions of yourself your whole life. hell, george lucas even stole your likeness. maybe you've come to peace with it, maybe not.

i get the movie adaptation thing, but it's the ghosts of all these other versions that anger me. in my life, these ghosts are legion. and they won't shut up. every version that someone creates of me has a knack for sticking around. like scallops and percodan rumbling around deep in my entrails.

i have my own doris mann. famous, no, but always the star of her own show and flagrantly inserting herself into everyone else's show too. when i was four or five, i was sick to my stomach with the flu. i remember kneeling in front of the toilet puking my guts out, alone. my mother eventually came to the bathroom just long enough to express her disapproval with my total disregard for her feelings. she left. i wiped the scallops and percodan from my face and cleaned up the mess.

i wanted her to be there, to hold my hair back and to tell me i was going to be okay and that we'd clean up and go downstairs for a glass of ginger ale to settle my stomach. but she didn't even know i was there. another sad case of wishful thinking.

i was ashamed to want her there ... and ashamed to not want her there.

hers were the first versions of myself that i had to live with. many more would follow. so many that i forgot for most of my life what the original even was.

i had no name of my own, known only by the frankenstein who created me. once someone created a version of me, i was doomed to carry that with me forever. now i was someone who had total disregard for my mother's feelings. what a monster.

through the years, i've also been adapted into some who is too loud, too sensitive, too big, too needy, too unpredictable, too crazy, too smart, too good, too bad. just existing seemed to be too much for the world.

i share this with you not to compare or vilify our mothers, but to say that i get it. i know what it's like to live everyone else's version of myself instead of the original. "but the trouble is", as suzanne says to lowell in their final scene together, "i can't feel my life".

this is an amazing scene. not so much the counseling session by lowell, but earlier in the scene when suzanne has to redo lines that she had previously flubbed up. it's a glimpse into suzanne's own story, her realization of where she's been and who she is.

she knows it. and her voice commands the room.

scallops and percodan, yes. but don't walk out just yet. waking up to one's own life is worth the messy process of vomiting out the warped versions that we've internalized.

for me it's time to redo the narrative. and frankly (which is an improvement over frankensteinly) i rather like the intensity of being me. it's time to redo the "too much" narrative.

Sometimes, though, I'll be driving, listening to loud music with the day spreading out all over, and I'll feel something so big and great—a feeling as loud as the music. It's as though my skin is the only thing that keeps me from going everywhere all at once. If this doesn't tell you exactly what I'm doing, it should tell you how I'm feeling when I'm doing whatever it is. (226)

Quotes from Carrie Fisher, Postcards from the Edge (New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1987; reprinted May 2010)

[ernmark]

Sorry if this is a dumb question, but do you know what happened to Damien? I've listened to the first part of The Battle at World's end a couple times, but I cant tell if it's supposed to be vague or if I'm just missing something.

It’s not a dumb question at all.

It’s intentionally left vague, and Kevin is 100% aware of how mean that was. Behold his stage directions (I usually don’t include these in my meta, but COME ON)

(IN FORT TERMINUS, ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER WE LEFT ARUM WITH AKNIFE TO HIS THROAT. WHICH WAS MEAN OF US, BUT HEY.)

THIS TAKES PLACE A WHILE AFTER THE CLIFFHANGERFROM HALLOWED HALLS, BECAUSE WE’RE MEAN AND AWFUL.

But here’s what we’ve got so far:

We know that Damien is not present when Arum tries to warn Rilla about his weapon, because they’re talking about him like he isn’t there.

ARUM: The Keep will fix it.I’d worry more about your knight. The kind of pain we’veinflicted upon him is not so easily mended.

RILLA: Don’t say that. Wedid nothing wrong. Everything just got so complicated. There was no way tothink through it in time, and Damien didn’t know what he was doing, and youwere in danger, and…

ARUM: Yes. “Complicated”seems just the word, doesn’t it? Well, we’ve hackedthrough the tangles in our web, it seems. Only time will tell if its silk canstill support our weight. (Battle at World’s End)

Before this previous episode, I assumed he’d either fled or was unconscious, and that Arum was taking him back to the Swamp through the portal. Now we know that it had to be the former, because Marc would have commented on Damien’s presence if he’d been there. 

This means that Damien left Arum and Rilla under his own power. And by the sound of it, he was not in a good place when that happened.

I’d worry more about your knight. The kind of pain we’ve inflicted upon him is not so easily mended.

They did something, and they did something drastic-- enough to royally fuck Damien up, enough to make him walk away when he was so unhinged and so ready to murder Arum right in front of Rilla.

We did nothing wrong...  There was no way to think through it in time, and Damien didn’t know what he was doing, and you were in danger, and…

This makes me think that Rilla was the one who initiated whatever they did, and she did it with (metaphorically) lethal precision, and entirely off the cuff.

Which makes me assume that either she broke off the engagement-- maybe in a “if you touch him, I’ll hate you forever” kind of way? -- or else she kissed Arum. Either way, she made it undeniably clear that she and Arum are in love with each other.

Well, we’ve hacked through the tangles in our web, it seems. Only time will tell if its silk can still support our weight.

Damien heard it in Rilla’s voice the moment that she said Arum’s name. That helped cement the idea that she was an illusion.

And right now, the thought that Rilla is in love with Arum is absolute torture to him.

DAMIEN: Arum… you know the creature’s name.RILLA: I do. Damien—DAMIEN: You say it like a friend.RILLA: Damien, please—DAMIEN: No, not friend. Perhaps the long-sought music of your voice deceives me, but is that… do I not hear…? Saint Damien above… What hells must I endure before you will forgive me? What have I done, what have I done…? (Hallowed Halls of Helicoid)

But the big thing: even if Rilla were to full-on make out with Arum right in front of him, Damien thinks that this is all an illusion. Mental manipulation. 

The first thing Rilla needs to do is persuade Damien that this is real. She’s got to tell him something that Arum couldn’t possibly know. 

But if the nature of mental manipulation magic involves reaching into your head and using your own thoughts and fears against you, then everything Damien knows could just as easily be used against him. The only way to get through to Damien is to tell him something that he doesn’t already know.

And we know what that is.

DAMIEN: When… when will we be married?RILLA: (SIGH) You know that, Damien. Soon.DAMIEN: But… why not marry during the Festival?RILLA: You want to get married tonight? (Knight of the Crown, Lord of the Swamp)

DAMIEN: Amaryllis, will you marry me?RILLA: I said yes months ago.DAMIEN: I would like to hear it again.RILLA: Yes, Damien. I’ll marry you.

She said she’d marry me, Saint. Marry me! It’s enough to make a knightly heart burst with joy, with Rilla, my Amaryllis, little flower, my… my… But… she never said when, did she? Did I ask her when? I don’t recall. Did I ask her and she didn’t answer? What does that mean, Saint Damien? Does it mean she doesn’t want to marry me? That she doesn’t love me? Perhaps she doesn’t today. Perhaps she never has, or what if—No, no. That’s absurd. Saint Damien above, give me your Tranquility. Your Tranquility.But… then why wouldn’t she answer?Have I pressured her too much? No, no… but what if I have? What if I always have? I’ll have to ask her. I could go right now, it would be just a moment, but what if some foul beast should come when I am tending to my weakness of the heart, what if-- 

I think Rilla finally told Damien why she’s been holding off all this time. 

I think it dealt a pretty severe blow to him. 

And then she followed it up with being upfront about her relationship with Arum.

And after all of that, I think Damien turned around and just walked away.

[thots-and-ideas]

Tom I don't believe in grammar  but I just want you to know that I've loved you for as long as I've known you and wrote so many poems about you and when I hear songs they make me think of you. I hope you see this.

Last week when you picked up Solis you kinda slapped my arm in the way you do when you make that “pshhhh” sound. Last year on Christmas you handed me something and I felt your hand on mine and I swear I could feel the warmth from you like you intentionally exchanged energies with me but you’ve disciplined yourself to keep from giving me anything. The time you touched me before that was when Chris died. I couldn't tell if you wanted to hug me but God it felt good and I didn't even mind that we didn't say anything. Before that it was you begging to kiss me. For the first time you begged for me, couldn't accept what I was saying. It was the first time I really thought that maybe you could spend forever kissing me. 

You could have spent forever kissing the person I should have been. The feeling of warmth comes to me in my dreams and sometimes I wake up and remind myself that you're gone. I have dreams of you knowing who I am. I have dreams that you're apart of this family I've built for myself and for Solis. When I had Solis I was in no way sophisticated enough to understand how deeply flawed and unprepared I was to be a mother. Deciding to have Solis was never about keeping you. I wanted a love that would never die, how selfish was I? I knew I had something special inside of me and I couldn't resist that feeling of being a creator of my own world. What was inside of me could never leave me because she is tethered to my flesh, my blood, and my labor. How wrong was I? You and I facilitated someone who does not belong to either of us. I couldn't stand the thought of her not needing my body for sustenance, I couldn't stand the fact that she wasn't mine, but she was ours, but she wasn't. Do you understand? I remember taking a nap after she was born. I woke up to you next to me holding Solis. It was joyous. I always had these little pockets of hope that we could do this together, whatever together meant. 

Theres these messages I remember. You told me you wanted to be friends, and my response was “we’re not friends.” What did that feel like for you? My body felt like a dumping ground and you were a dumping ground for my pain that caused me. You were my friend. I was always so intimidated by you, amazed by you, entranced by you. At 15 you stood out to me. Your cute hair and your teeth I liked the way you laughed but you didn't really say much, that was okay to me. You played with my hair. You had a pull and I think if you were to think back maybe you would tell me that you felt the same way. You told me the other day that I have amnesia, I thought it was funny because I pretty much remember every single moment with you. The thing is, I for so long thought my anger and my rage was righteous. I was confused, I didn't understand why you were ashamed of me or why you hid me why you wouldnt call me your girlfriend, why I was expected to behave like an adult. In between those feelings there I was, causing chaos, losing myself in bitterness and self loathing. It was all my fault so I would punish myself but when I was faced with consequences of my hurtful and unhinged behavior I would punish you. 

For years, up until very recent years, I couldn't see myself. My body was disposable, I wrote a poem about myself as recycled trash. You can't know your own pain until you look It in the eye. The last few months of dating Karlos I couldn't afford my rent anymore, and couldn’t afford my downpayment on greektown house. I had to turn myself off to survive. I started going to the women in my life and coming to terms with my abuse, getting help for my abuse, Im still working on it very hard and it'll probably stay with me forever. But this is the lesson. I'm responsible now for that pain. Will I let it make me small or will I accept the support of my community who did everything they could to help me, and help myself while being lifted by love, and grace. I have blamed you for my pain for a long time, but there has never been a time I haven't wanted to heal from that with you, and I think that is the problem. I didn't want to heal with Karlos, if I believed in police system , he would be in jail right now for what he did to me. But for me to heal from you is to heal from myself. 

I remember the cruel things I said to you, just like Ill never forget how your touch feels on my skin Ill never forget the way I weaponized things you trusted me with and attacked you. I’ll never forget the way I would try and try and try to make you so angry to get a reaction. I put words into your mouth and created my own realities. It must have been exhausting, more than that... the point was to make you hurt like I hurt. That was always the point. I wanted you to love me and my delusions told me you didn't any you never would. 

You told me I needed therapy and I agree with you. We all have broken bits. I look at you now and see that beautiful smile and that way about you that I see in myself and in Solis. I knew I would see her in you and there's been no greater gift than this life we have all been able to provide Solis. I had troubles, those I hope you can forgive me for and understand me for. I couldn't get out of bed and Solis was my only will to live. I hadn't been able to harness that pain yet. I hadn't practiced ownership and self accountability. The pain I've felt from you is mine to carry and I promise you, I only carry lessons, lessons I'm applying. For Solis, for my chosen family, and for myself. 

I wish I could send you the poems I used to write about you, and some more of the things I would write Sol when she was in me. I always saw you in the brightest of lights and nothing ever dimmed that, not even my own lies I told myself about you. Biggest lie is that you didn't love me. When you said you wouldnt let me hurt you anymore I didn't know if you still felt anything about me. Like I was just some human you see sometimes that existed before  but its just a ghost now. I don't want to be remembered as that Lexei from you. The more I told myself you didn't care about me the more I pushed you away. Instead of calming down and being rational I turned to creating problems . Is it too late Tom? Have the lights turned off for you? Do you know what I would do to just sit with you, like normal people, and talk about our good memories and the joy we felt together and what you taught me and who we are now. I miss you so much Tom. Look at everyone who's in my life, they've been there for as long as you have. They're family to us. We wanted you here during quarantine. We want you to be a part of this family. Sometimes I dream about being together with you but I know that's just a delusion of grandeur. We could be friends. We were friends. I think I’ll always love you and always I will extend my apologies to you and I know it can be healing to hear “I'm sorry” from someone who has hurt you. I know its recent but Im coming back to me. Im passionate about learning how to be a healer and mindfulness and it has always brought me back to you. You still pull me tom. You showed me so much gentleness, you formed me in so many ways that I can't explain. We manifested a product of ourselves and she is the most perfect, flawed, complex, kind, smart girl who emits golden light into this world. She's a reflection of all that is good in us. You only want to talk about Solis and I get that. Im not sure why I keep extending but I keep seeing you in my dreams and I keep seeing you in Solis and I keep seeing you in real life and I can't take my eyes off of you. Sometimes I worry about you like you keep so much in, I wonder if you could ever trust me again but, Im here, and I love you. Ive made myself a safe place for people. You and Solis helped me in ways you'll only know if you see me through eyes of forgiveness. 

I don't know what the point of this is. You make things Clear to me all the time, but sometimes you flirt with me and I think sometimes you might be flirting with the idea of me. Flirt with it more. We can be a team, a real team. Not married mom and dad but, come be with the chickens and the family and you'll feel at home because when we’re together we are home. 

“oh how I love you, in the evening when we are sleeping.” 

I remember every song we listened to, I remember every fight, every time we played and played and played, and the piano fingers on my skin. Watching you play gently on the keys making such powerful noise. Thats why you're a good cook I bet. It’s all in the gentle finesse. You're a gentle dad and a gentle man and I'm so sorry for bringing that chaos and lack of privacy into your life, I didn't get it then and you did everything you could to make me understand. I wonder why though, you never let me go and why it takes you to treat me almost like I'm not a human, in your words “nothing” to be able to stomach being near me. Is it resistance or is is disgust? Ive done a lot of stupid things... make some stupid mistakes. The fucking phone dude... didn't even cross my mind.  Its your job to catch me on those things and tell me to cut it out. Im learning that we all need to pick each other up when we’re slipping. I love you tom. Im so proud of you, and I will always be rooting for you. I will always love you in a special way too. More than love like family. I want to touch your hand sometimes so badly and just grab you and hold you and smell you like the time in the harbor. Its hard to dream of you. 

There are so many things I need to be sorry. You didn't deserve what you've had to go through. I wish we could hug man.