#i've got inspiration! but every time i try to WRITE for it i freeze up. no words only ideas.

[total-drama-brainrot]

Every time I open my google docs I think to myself "this time I'll write something, at least a couple hundred words of something," and every time without fail I just chew on the bars of my enclosure and write nothing like the caged cowardly beast I am.

[inbabylontheywept]

So: You have depression.

I'm 27 now. The last time I had a major depressive episode was when I was 16. I still have depressive episodes every now and then, but the worst tend to be a month, and most I can generally get through them in about a week. It took me a while to kind of figure out how to handle depression as a recurring thing, and so I thought I'd make a little welp-I-got-diagnosed-now-what guide.

So, first part of the guide: When I first got depressed, I thought that depression was the terrible, sad hopeless feeling that I had. It isn't. That terrible sad hopeless feeling is a symptom of prolonged depression. By the time I get to that point, I'm pretty well cooked and it takes a lot longer to bounce back. Avoiding getting to that point is a vital part of living with depression.

So what does depression feel like?

I am going to hammer this point home a lot of times while writing this: Depression is an anesthetic. It is not felt as a presence, but as an absence. The first absence, for me at least, is when life stops being fun. Every movie feels boring, I can't get more than a few pages into any book, and everything just seems... bland.

This is the best point to catch it at. I have found that consumptive patterns of entertainment do not do anything to help depression. Some people have told me that producing art at this time really helps them, but personally, I can't imagine trying. Instead, I just do tasks that I know inspire physical satisfaction. Which sounds like jerking off (I don't actually reccomend that route) but really means things like: Going for a walk in the sunshine. Working out. Cleaning the house in a fairly exhaustive way. Scrub the baseboards, wash the sink, clear the fridge, etc.

I recognize that doing those is really, really hard while depressed because depression causes physical weakness and exhaustion. The best I can do is, unfortunately, encourage vigillance. If you suspect you're getting into a funk, start on this before you get really deep into the mire. People that get into the mire can get out, but it's not self-help read-a-book type shit, it takes therapy and medication and patience and it is so much easier and cheaper and faster to just avoid letting it get that bad then crawling out once it's sunk its teeth into you.

I have found that for things that work almost by exposure alone, spending time in the sun and talking to people are borderline magical, with the caveat that talking to people about being depressed tends to make things worse instead of better. Talking about anything that cuts through the anesthetic of depression is ideal, or if it's sunk in deep enough that you're having trouble finding anything, talking to someone else about what they're passionate about. Ideally, you'd find someone passionate about a thing you know you're passionate about but are struggling to enjoy right then, and then you'd just let your mirror neurons run amok. Bonus Points

So, you're already depressed. Like, pretty fucking depressed, and you fucked up, and you let it slide. What then?

This is my I-Fucked-Up-And-Got-Big-Sad, Salvage-My-Weekend, depression routine. You'll need to make one for yourself at some point, and yours will work better for you, but this is mine and I think it'll work okay-ish for you. Until you get your own, at least.

I have to get up before 10 am. Staying in bed later than that gives the depression such a huge head start on my day that I just basically can't catch up. If I can't just brute force get myself out of bed, I will throw my blankets and sit cold on my sheets until that gives me the motivation I need. If I cannot work up the guts to throw my blankets, I will actually roll off the bed, flop gracelessly onto the floor, and then stare wistfully up until I can will myself to stand. It helps that every bedroom I've had either had freezing cold tile, or itchy coarse carpet. If you have a comfy floor, maybe buy a very scratchy rug? I cannot emphasize how important this step is. It's like, half of the whole thing.

After getting up, immediately go outside and sit in the sunshine. This provides free executive function, and getting it ASAP will make everything go much smoother.

Talk to someone while outside. If you have a roommate, they work great. Face to face conversations tend to be the best, but phone calls with loved ones are like at least 80% as effective. Calls to family members tend to be better than in face conversations with acquaintances or people you're mostly ambivalent about. Don't do chat messages. Worse than nothing.

This should have scrounged up enough free energy that you can clean something. I always start by trying to clear a part of my counter off. If that's all I got, that's all I got, and I still feel good about it. If that inspires me to do more, I'll run with it until a whole room is up to snuff. I don't do more than one room while I'm this crispy: The goal is not really to clean the house, but to work through a series of tasks that require some initial level of executive function but provide a larger amount back once completed. Life has a lot of these deals that are like, give me $10 and I'll give you $12, give me $12 and I'll give you $20, on and on, and the hard part is really just getting the $10. Some people wake up with $10. Most days, you will wake up with $10. But not when you're like this. You're gonna have to earn it. I'm sorry.

I am going to reiterate: This is what I do when I feel a funk coming on. My life and my schedule are not always this regimented. Living with depression doesn't mean never sleeping until 10, or having a weekend where you don't talk to someone, or take a break from cleaning. Living with depression just means never, ever, leaning into the depression when you feel it coming on. Even when it starts out feeling cozy. Even when you want to just snuggle into it and sleep and sleep and sleep. The first day or two will feel luxurious, and the next week will feel terrible, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to get out. You are always going to have to worry about that. Again, I'm really, truly sorry.

Bonus Bonus Points

I am not a psychologist, but I do have a theory about why depression exists. Remember how I said it's anesthetizing? I think that's what it's there for - getting rid of emotional pain when it isn't being helpful. People often get depressed after a major injury. Boredom is normally nature's way of punishing you for just curling up and doing nothing, but depression can be the emergency override on boredom. It makes sense for you to sit still and do nothing while your body is healing, so maybe nature temporarily removes all your motivation with depression and then just lets you be a limp noodle until you're healthy again. Maybe?

Back to the emotional level, though, depression might also be a way to muffle pains that would otherwise be so intense that people might not remain in control of the faculties. The pain of losing a parent is notorious for driving people so mad with pain that they ruin their lives, but depression is there to at least try and keep us sedated until the nadir has passed.

It is helpful to know what the purpose of depression is, because you will eventually get it from an "intended" cause, and reflexively fighting it then probably isn't good for you. And at the very least, knowing why this stupid thing exists makes the world feel like less of a cruel place.

There are a lot of interesting studies on the physical effects of depression - things like muscle weakness, increased pain tolerance, muscle relaxation, etc. that I won't go into, but it does so many things at once that it almost doesn't feel like a fuck up, but a feature that we just kind of lost the plot on. Not gonna deep dive on it, but it is something that probably shouldn't be confined to just a mental disorder.

[hueningsloverr]

౨ৎ isn't it obvious !

pairing: soobin x reader summary: soobin was smart, just not when it came to love. and you weren't exactly the most confident. that's where taehyun comes in. word count: 0.9k extra: inspired by katherine li's 'isn't it obvious'! apart of my valentines day series

soobin always prided himself in how observant he was, at least in regards to his friends. when it came to love, he was oblivious. no matter how many times girls would confess to him, he always found himself taking their confessions the wrong way. confessions that consisted of very heartfelt words always fell short of the line of actually saying "i love you". 

and to soobins mind, those three words made a large difference. love was different from like. "i really like you!" always had an added "as a friend" in his mind. 

that is why liking soobin was pointless if you ever wanted a romantic relationship. yet, you somehow still found yourself drawn to him.

you weren't the type to confess to crushes on a whim - your friends weren't sure if you had ever confessed to anyone in your life. it would make sense that you hadn't.

you could barely talk to people you didn't know, let alone a person you were infatuated with.

you were a watcher, and you had accepted that role in your life.

it made life easier, only ever watching, never having to talk. you could observe things about people, pick and chose your actions more carefully.

somehow, soobin never managed to pick up how your gaze always landed on him - and it was pretty clear it did. soft, lovestruck eyes always finding him, even in a crowded room. 

soobin also never let it register that when you'd freeze up, it was because of him. whenever he'd enter the room, you'd momentarily go into overdrive, no matter what you were doing prior.

you'd never tell him how you felt - the fear of rejection alone was too much. let alone the idea that maybe he'd laugh at you, tell all his friends - something terrible.

naturally, you expected that if you were ever going to have a reltationship with the boy, he'd have to make the first move. yet, you couldn't even tell him that.

his friends all knew, obviously. they were able to pick up on the way you'd avoid eye contact with the teen - well really, avoid any contact. taehyun picked up on it first, and while he really didn't mean to tell anyone before he confirmed it, he blinked and all of the sudden the three other boys knew.

you tried to lie your way out of it - tell them that soobin was "just a friend!", a really good one at that. but they saw right through. unlike soobin, they weren't so oblivious to love. 

"just tell him," taehyun smiled, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to think through the best course of action. "you could even just text him! soobin is a kind person."

he was trying to be supportive. trying to help you out. but there is no helping a person who freaks out, giggling and kicking their feet, when even a mere name is brought up. so naturally, saying 'the s word' got you all discombobulated.

"tyun! i - god. his smile, oh my god did you see his smile?" you giggled, face buried in your hands as you rolled around on your bed. you really were acting like a teenager who was in love. "i could never text him! i'd type something wrong, and then the whole thing would be messed up!"

taehyun sighed. 

you were an overthinker. every scenario had at least five outcomes when it came to you.

"then… let me text him?" he offered, "you could tell me what to write, and then i'd hit send!"

you paused.

overthinker.

"fine." you huffed, moving to grab your phone from your nightstand. 

no texts from soobin.

you handed it gingerly to taehyun, already regretting your decision. what if taehyun was the one who messed it up for you?

he nodded when he was ready to type, 'soobin🩷' largely displayed on the screen.

"what do i even say, tyun?" you whined, throwing yourself back on your bed. "hey, soobin! i'm in love with you! but i've never said anything because i didn't want to mess up the friendship we had. if you even think of me as a friend! practically every night i want to just tell you how i feel, but not doing it was better off than knowing you didn't feel the same!"

taehyun laughed slightly, tossing your phone towards you.

he had written what you said.

and sent it.

"tyun!" you gasped, eyes wide as you held your phone with shaking hands. "i was joking! oh my god - you sent it!"

taehyun shrugged, stretching. "yeah, but he's already read it so there’s no going back."

you practically screamed.

there was a high chance someone thought you were being attacked.

your feelings were.

you felt your phone buzz in your hands and you instinctively tossed it to taehyun. "you open it! you got me into this mess." you pleaded, too scared to open the message yourself.

he laughed again, shaking his head. "you might want to read this yourself." he grinned, handing it back.

soobin🩷 | 'really? i thought you hated me.' soobin🩷 | 'i'm in love with you too.' soobin🩷 | '...' soobin🩷 | 'did you text me then die?'

you felt your heart stop beating. maybe you would die right then and there.

"oh," you mumbled to yourself, texting back as taehyun watched eagerly.

(y/n) | 'isn't it obvious?'

needless to say, though soobin was oblivious to most girls, something about your rambling confession opened his eyes.

authors note: part 2!!! and yes, i’m aware it’s taehyun birthday 😭 i’m posting by member age so tyun is after gyu (wednesday)

©2024 — all rights reserved to hueningsloverr , please do not plagiarise or translate any of my work

[drivelikeiido]

fallen for you

an impulsive matty admits his feelings for you

word count: 1.1k

warnings: just a lil bit of smoking and a lil bt of pining

notes: this is the first time i've written a fic in years so I'M SORRY, not my best by far but all the writing on here inspired me to try and write again <3 also i wanted to write some nervous matty because he needs humbled so here we go (i also wrote this first thing in the morning so even more apologies for my tired brain) oh! and the reader is in the support band for the 1975 because i'm self indulgent in my writing like that

The stars in the sky were all that occupied your mind as you sat outside the venue. The night was a peaceful calm, a refreshing contrast compared to the show your band had just performed on stage opening for the boys. 

However the night's quiet is disrupted as the heavy backdoor to the venue opens from behind and Matty appears to join you, already in his suit and tie ready to go onstage, only if he knew what that look did to scramble your brain every night, it was almost annoying that someone could look so effortlessly good. 

He sits down and pulls out his packet of cigarettes, inhaling deeply as he lights one up and gestures briefly to you if you want one, you silently raise your hand up in refusal, he’s enough for you right now, your legs side by side as you sit on the freezing steps. The brief contact is enough to warm your entire body.

You sit in comfortable silence for minutes, the only sounds are the slow burning of his cigarette and the tapping of his shoes on the dark ground. You appreciate him silently, wondering to yourself how you even got this opportunity and how messy it's become now that you've unfortunately grown to appreciate the frontman of the band you're touring with in a not so platonic way. Grown so accustomed to the silence and the whirling of your thoughts his sudden speech is almost startling, his confession even more so. 

“I’m totally obsessed with you,” 

“I've wanted to kiss you for ages you know,” he adds after a beat. The shock of his confession causes the breath to seem to leave your lungs but you manage to whisper out “and what’s stopping you?”

“Didn’t think you’d want me to” he states, still refusing to make eye contact and looking into the waves of smoke floating up into the air instead. Despite his steady voice you realise he's nervous and the thought alone is enough to make you smile. Seconds pass and the cold evening air no longer seems to faze you as you build up enough confidence to ask what you've wanted for months now. 

“Do it. Kiss me. Please,” your voice barely loud enough, but he seems to hear. 

Despite his nervousness he bites back the teasing comment waiting to spill from the tip of his tongue; that could wait for later, he’d been thinking of this moment for too long to screw it up, and the boys would never let him forget it if he did.

He pulls the cigarette from his lips and exhales one last cloud of grey smoke, the addictive smell that you’ve  grown to associate with him fills your chest as he throws the butt to the ground. His rough hands move to cradle your face so gently as if he fears you could pop and dissolve through his fingers at any moment, as if he was scared you would change your mind or even if this was all a dream. 

The kiss surprises you in its gentleness and as you move together you realise this is something you’ll never bore of, the feeling of needing his lips engraved into your skin is dizzying, a sentiment he seems to share as he leans further into the kiss, his hands cradling the sides of your face like lifelines.

When he pulls back, his brown eyes are twinkling brighter than the stars you're under and the purest smile you’ve ever seen him wear graces his lips as he fixes your hair and places any strand moved back to its rightful place. He steps back, takes your cold hand in his and squeezes, his voice low and affectionate when he says “Come see me after the show, yeah?” and with your nod he disappears back inside the venue, leaving your brain to catch up with what just happened.

You’re glad he’s gone inside so he can’t see the seemingly immovable blush that's taken permanent residence on your cheeks, you'd never hear the end of the teasing if he saw that. You stay in the cold of the evening for a little longer, the chill of the air circling you and helping to slow the beating of your heart, the memory of the smell of his smoke and aftershave and how it now seems to cling to your clothes still working to fluster you despite his absence.

As you head back into the halls of the venue you feel the need to confirm that the moment was real, and not just another cruel daydream after months on the road. You take out your phone and text him,

‘i’m obsessed with you too, for the record’

His reply is almost immediate,

‘i know, love’ .

“Cocky prick” you whisper to yourself, his proud reply so Matty it makes you giggle and works to calm any growing concerns you may have had. Shoving the phone into your back pocket you make your way to the greenroom with everyone else to wait while the boys perform, your heart beating that bit faster as the set gets nearer and nearer to the end, “Come see me after the show, yeah?” playing over and over in your head.

Once the show was over and most of the set taken down, your steps are embarrassingly quick as you walk to the back of the venue, once again to the boys' delegated smoking area, already smelling the intoxicating smoke that hung in the air that was undoubtedly coming from him. He turns as you round the corner, his lips raising into a smirk as he throws the burnt out butt to the ground, stamping it with his dress shoes. He waits for you to walk close to him, his eyes never once leaving yours before grabbing out at your shirt and pulling you flush to him, your arms moving to rest on his chest. Despite the chill in the air the heat between your bodies was enough to make your skin blush immediately. His eyes looked down at you mischievously as his fingers toy with your shirt absentmindedly behind your back.

“So you’re obsessed with me, huh?” 

You huff out a laugh and look up to see that smug grin plastered over his beautiful face, his skin glowing and his curls a mess after his performance onstage. 

“Don’t let it go to your head, we don’t need any more to feed your ego” you tease, poking at his forehead and watching as he momentarily closes his eyes at the motion.

His saccharine grin returns, “Too late for that darlin, you’ve confessed your undying obsession with me there’s no getting rid of me now”

You drop your head to his chest, subtly revelling in the affection as his arms wrap around you, enveloping you in comfort, making it impossible to ever imagine leaving them.

“You’re insufferable, you know that,” you laugh and despite your teasing he drops a kiss to your head, 

“Yeah but I’m yours now, and that’s all that matters”

[kingkatsuki]

Hi! I've been going through your blog (bc its so good?!?! Thank you so much for writing so much Bakugou content!!!!) and just got really inspired by your Dragon King Bakugou universe to write about something urging reader to leave. I hope it's okay but I wanted to share what came out of it:

---

You had to leave.

Rumours of a vengeful vagabond out for Dragon King Bakugou's blood had spread. Although this is not the first and certainly would not be the last person seeking revenge, this particular instance caught your attention. Every descriptor about him was deeply familiar to you and, beyond your wildest hopes, reminds you of your brother. And so, you had to leave. 

It was simple really, almost laughingly so. All you had to do was request for some extra furs here, a larger bag there, and oh, you were fancying some cured meats lately! No matter what you asked for, they were brought to you immediately, for you were the woman cherished by the dragon king himself. His greatest prize. You had packed all the necessities as well as some of the jewels and gold Bakugou insisted on lavishing you with.

Just take it, woman. You know we dragons love to have shiny things and you're mine so of course my woman is going to have the best jewels.

Your heart squeezes at the memory of his brash words paired with his gentle hands as he adorned you with his spools. Physically leaving was easy, yes; steeling your resolve was the hard part. 

---

Taking one last look behind you at the castle you had called home for so many moons, you take a breath.

"So you're gonna leave just like that?" You freeze, heart stopping at the sound of his voice. You had been so careful. 

And you were, spacing your requests out between other mundane ones to not let anyone draw connections. But this was Bakugou, how could he not have known when he memorizes every breath you take. When he commits all your favourite things to heart so he can bring you more to make up for everything he has taken. When he is so painfully aware that he fell for a woman who could never love him with all that she is.

"I'm sorry...my King"

He scoffs "Am I still your king even when you are leaving?" 

And though you cannot bear to look into his eyes, swirling with hurt, betrayal, and anger, you must because he deserves at least that much. "You will always have a piece of me."

"But never the entirety, right" his distain masking what he really wants to say stay, please. But how could he ask you to choose him over your family, to take yet another important thing away from you again, to ask you to choose him when you never had a choice in coming here in the first place. 

Your lips set into a thin line, holding back the lump in your throat and the comforting words you wanted to give him. Because at the end of the day he was right, he could never have you entirely, not when your brother might be out there. Your brother, who helped raise you, cherish you, and mourned you and everyone he knew when he came back to a pile of rubble. You had to go back to him, you had to let him know that he is not alone in the world and maybe you can distract him enough to stop his quest for vengeance. 

Seeing the resolve in your eyes strengthen spurns Bakugou to try even though he knows he is fighting a losing battle "Is there nothing I can do to make you stay? I would get on my knees to beg if you so wishes it, just say the word."

"Bakugou if you really loved me then let me leave. If you do not, then you can command me to stay." And that is what seals it. Dragon King Bakugou who has never lost a fight in his life, for the first time cannot fight back. Because no matter what may come to pass, if there is one truth in the world it is surely that he loves you.

And so he turns around, tears in his eyes and heart in his throat, no matter how hard he tried, it was never be enough to change how you two started. "Go," he chokes out, "before I regret it"

"Thank you," you whisper, the wind carrying your voice over "Katsuki." And you're off, running into the distance, free. The complete opposite of how you arrived, strapped to the saddle of a dragon.

That was the first time, Katsuki thinks, and the last. That you've ever called him by his name.

#and then months later when katsuki is starting to become numb to the pain #only because he keeps fighting and fighting and fighting to the point of exhaustion so he has no more energy to think about you #but he always has energy when it comes to you #especially when he fists his cock at night to the memory of his name on your lips #anyways months later you're at the doorsteps of his castle #this time of your own free will #his heart nearly stops at the sight of you #at the scent of you #he thinks its a hallucinations #until you step forward and say his name #somehow its so much sweeter than his memory of it and thats when he starts to realize that this is real #and you stay for good #and maybe that was the first time katsuki was given instead of him taking #i love reading your tags but i don't think that really works in an ask but this is me trying to emulate

Ahhh thank you so much!

I love the angst of this. Like it pains you to leave, but you’re doing it because you know what your brother is capable of and what might happen if you stay.

And I can imagine that moment where Bakugou catches you, and you want him to tell you to stay because it’s gonna physically hurt you to leave him, but you know deep down it’s what you have to do.

And you spend all the time away from him longing for him? And he’s doing the exact same— but maybe he becomes more ruthless, more cold? Because he’s lost the only thing in his life worth having. No amount of riches or kingdoms can compare— and you find out that he’s planning an attack on your brother so you have to stop it? To explain to him the real reason why you left😭

[foxgloveinspace]

@thoseeyeslikefire @absentviolet @kyloreno-911

It's another LONG w.i.p. Wednesday! Explanation for why I haven't been making these, I guess:

took a week off in October cause I didn't feel like taking pics, then we had company and I didn't have time to do it, and then I got sick, ugh. But now I'm back and I'm gonna try to do these when I can again, possibly not every week, maybe every other week, cause I want to spend more time reading and writing this month if I can. (it's gonna be my first 'real' NaNoWriMo. Where I have a goal and such).

first off, the confession. I frogged the cardigan part of the og skulls cardigan. I kept looking at it, and looking at it, and I went 'I'm never going to wear this, I'm just doing it, to do it'. It's gone through like, three other iterations that I haven't been talking about cause I was really just trying to figure it out. I've finally found something I'm excited about making, which is a pieced together cardigan of double crochets, where on the right side rows I crochet through the back loop only. I'm feeling very inspired by this, especially since I could work on this even when I was super foggy from having a cold. Sadly, it did not get done in time for Halloween, but also I didn't intend for it to be just for Halloween. Hopefully this is something I'll wear all winter. It's my main w.i.p. rn and I hope to get it finished this week, so I'll post finished pics when I get it done.

and another 'wellllll there was a goof' project, lol. I messed up the left sock of my hocus pocus socks. so I decided to frog it, since then it would be easier to make the heel flap and gusset of the right sock! so! i then paused the first sock until I can catch up on the second sock, and when they are both ready to knit the foot, I'll pick them both up to knit two at a time again. I just haven't been able to knit very much cause of the foggy head from my cold. But! I am really happy with these and hopefully I'll have them done before the end of the year.

I picked back up the pass the honey cardigan! mostly cause it was easy knitting while I was, again, foggy from the cold..... wow. Any way, I know it probably doesn't look like it, but I did get some progress done on it, I think like two or three pattern repeats? I wasn't sure I wanted to continue it, but then I had the thought of 'it looks like dragon scales, not just honey comb' and now I love it lol. It's my dragon scale armor now.

and now! my birthday shawl!! (The Gaia Shawl) I only did the first bit on my birthday cause I was DETERMINED to get it started on the right day. I am loving this yarn and how it's working up, and I am really liking the little bit of the pattern I've worked at well. I'm not worried about how long it takes me cause my birthday shawl last year was being worked well into January. It'll be there when I feel good enough to work on it again. The only problem is that the pattern website keeps freezing.....

small yarn haul time!

the multi colored yarn is from one of my mom's friends actually, she has sheep and she goes through the entire process with it, and I got it from her 'booth' at the Heritage Days festival in Warsaw (which is no where near where I live). I have no idea what I want to make with it?? I'm thinking a hat and some socks maybe? it is a fingering weight yarn. Definitely the hat first, and then if I have enough yarn left over the socks. It's so soft and squishy, and I really love it.

and then the blues are for a project for my sister in law.... she kinda volunteered me for it, but it'll only take me a couple days at most. It's for a pixie from Harry Potter. The yarn is nice and soft, and I guess I'm looking forward to the challenge, but also she's just...... It's complicated.

And that's it from me! Thanks for reading <3

[redwood-and-maple]

Ogham Meditations: The Second Aicme

I have been writing my meditations on the ogham feda, or letters, and I've found it a very valuable experience, so I wanted to share my thoughts.

The meanings, keywords, and pronunciations of each letter is from Erynn Rowan Laurie's book Ogam: Weaving Word Wisdom. Everything else is my own.

hÚath - H

(oo-uth) Meaning: Terror Keyword: Despair

Fear and despair are both things that stop movement, for me. Terror tries to activate movement through the fight or flight response, but there is also freeze. I think of when I went through my crisis in 2014-15 after a lifetime of depression. Was my body trying subconsciously to inspire action through fear? In some ways, it worked, because I finally got help. However, the fear was also so intense that I had trouble doing basic things like sleeping.

Fear is a method of protection. However, risk is inherent in many aspects of life. We must take risks. We even get dopamine from facing our fears successfully, which is why some people thrill-seek. Fear, thrill, excitement, desire... they are all so closely connected.

How do I work with fear as a partner? How do I acknowledge fear and then decide for myself if I want to move forward? How do I allow myself to fear, to scream all the way down the roller-coaster?

hÚath is the mark of the Morrigan.

May she guide me through the terrors of battle to righteous victory.

Dair - D

(dar) Meaning: Oak Keyword: Strength

Strength of the oak. Strength of the druid. Strength of the lion. Strength of the maiden.

Strength of the oak to grow tall, to grow in light, where other tree have not yet gone, to grow old, with deep roots, to grow hard and sturdy wood used only by master crafters, for doors and houses to last generations.

Strength of the druid, in touch with the spirits of the land, who has forged knowledge and lived experience into wisdom.

Strength of the maiden, master of her own mind, sovereign of her own self, beholden to no one. She who embraces the wildness of the self, lets it be wild, lets herself be wild, but also calms the wildness, the anger, the frenzy.

Compassion is strength. Gentleness is strength. Living is strength. Scars do not diminish strength.

Perhaps Dair is the mark of the Dagda to me. Perhaps Dair is the roots of the oak in my gut, supporting the fire in my heart.

Tinne - T

(CHIN-uh) Meaning: Ingot (bar of metal) Keyword: Mastery

Mastery. Could be a symbol of Lugh, Master of All Arts. The ingot. The forge. Skills that seem like magic. Skills are magic.

What does it mean to be a master? It's not perfection, which is impossible. Is it the ability to teach others? Maybe, but not necessarily. It's a level of skill, hard to measure. But it feel good. You may not know where the peak of a mountain is, but at some point you see the vista. See how far you have come.

It's something you build up to. There must be joy as well as challenge. Challenge without joy is suffering. Joy without challenge eventually loses its meaning, becomes boredom. Balanced, you feel joy in reaching higher each time, and struggles aren't crushing.

Lugh, may I find this balance. May I continue to reach ever higher.

Coll - C

(kull) Meaning: Hazel Keyword: Wisdom

Wisdom, nine rivers, nine hazel trees, the salmon in the pool. Mastery vs wisdom. Mastery of skill, earth of air, wisdom of the heart, water of air. Master of skills, wisdom of... ethics? Philosophy? Things you know, but more than know. Things one embodies, acts out every day. Experience.

Wisdom is the calm waters of the pool. Wisdom connects to the heart, the subconscious, the Otherworld. Psychology and spirituality are often linked. The human mind is a vast and mysterious place.

I can be wise and struggle to embody wisdom. That is being human.

Wisdom and inspiration are connected through the story of Taliesin and Cerridwen. Fire and water, things that should mix mixing. How are they similar and different? I'm not sure. Perhaps next time.

Ceirt - Q

(kyert) Meaning: Rag or Shrub Keyword: Misfortune

Misfortune. Sometimes bad things just happen! Sometimes things are out of our control. We tie clooties on trees, we pray, we try to blame ourselves, but sometimes it doesn't work. I think Picard once said "Sometimes you still fail, even if you do everything right."

Mental illness. Even when we are able to change ourselves, it is a slow thing, not linear. Sometimes it seems like all of our work is undone. "Brain does what it wants," I've said.

But this is only sometimes! When we ride out the storms, eventually the sun comes out again. If not, get help in what ways you can.

There are some things you can change, and some things you can't. It's against our nature, us homo sapiens, so good at thinking, but we need to let go of the things we can't change and focus on the things we can.

[celestialevie]

Birthday surprise // Niall Horan x singer! Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings: none

A/N: Since it's officially my birthday week and Niall's has just passed, I decided to write this very self-indulgent fic (even though I can't sing, but a girl can dream </3). I mostly wrote this for myself because I adore this human with my whole heart. Anyways hope someone will enjoy this fic just as much as I did writing it.

Finishing the first two songs, you chat a little with your fans. Noticing some of the signs they brought with them to get you to notice them, some of them making you laugh, while some of them made your heart clench with love. Sitting down at the piano, starting to play 'champagne problems'. While you were in the happiest relationship to date now, you still had some issues with your past relationships, where you were made the villain and them a victim when in reality it was the literal opposite. Niall was the blessing you were praying for. So what if you were fucked in the head? Niall loved you just the way you were.

Your birthday was coming up, and you were going to spend it while being in one of the cities you absolutely love touring in – Dublin. Although you were heartbroken because this will be the first birthday you were going to celebrate without your boyfriend, Niall. Ever since you've known him, you celebrated both of your birthdays with one another. His tour lead him to being in America during your birthday, which really sucked. You were both bummed out about it, he even offered to reschedule that concert, so he can be with you in Dublin, maybe even visit his family whilst already being in Ireland, you told him no. You didn't want to be selfish just because it's your birthday. Talking on the phone with him right from the moment he was awake (which was already in the afternoon for you). '' It feels weird to not be with you on your birthday, how will I survive without my birthday kisses and hugs from you? '' you ask while pouting. Niall chuckled and mimicked your put. '' I will give you your birthday kisses and hugs as soon as I see you. With extra ones for each day between your birthday and the day we see each other again. I promise. '' he gives you a smile. And you just pout harder. '' I really miss you. I can't wait to see you soon. '' checking the time, you realize it's almost time for you to start getting ready. '' Hey baby, I have to go start getting ready soon. I'll make sure Jenna calls you to FaceTime and shows you at least some concert if you're not busy. I love you and I miss you. '' as you say that, you hang up and quickly text your makeup artist, she can come over. Two minutes later, her and Jenna (your assistant and close friend) are in your dressing room, and you're getting ready. An hour later, you were done with your makeup and hair and all that was left was to put on your outfit. Ten minutes later, you were slowly making your way towards stage. Quickly texting Niall another I love you, and wishing him good luck on his own show later, you were off on the stage, the intro of your song' dress' starting to play as you were brought onto the stage. Let the fun begin.

After champagne problems, one of your favourite songs you wrote was next.

''... Don Perignon you brought it, no crowd of friends applauded

your hometown sceptics called it, champagne problems.''

'' A lot of you might not know, but this next song was inspired after I was done watching the amazing spider-man 2 for the millionth time. My love for Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield is unmatchable. Just ask my boyfriend, who's been hanging out with Tom Holland, how both of them are feeling betrayed by my love for both Amazing Spider-man's movies. This is How you get the girl. '' The intro of the song started playing and so were the screams of people.

Singing two more songs, you go get changed into a different outfit. Going back onto the stage, you're surprised that your manager Anna is standing there with a grin on her face.

'' Stand there like a ghost

Shaking from the rain

She'll open up the door and say 'are you insane?'

Say it's been long six months

And you were too afraid to tell her what you want, want...''

'' Uh-oh, manager is grinning, prepare yourselves guys, it's not going to be good. '' The crowd laughs while Anna rolls her eyes and smiles at you. '' We have a small surprise for you. '' as she says that, she points on the big screen behind you, when you turn around you are surprised to see a familiar face of one of your closest friends, Lewis Capaldi, wishing you a happy birthday and saying you guys need to go clubbing again soon. Laughing as his face fades away and the next one shows up, your very close friend and sometimes co-writer Taylor Swift, again wishing you the happiest birthday and saying how much she adores working with you and that she loves you very much. It went on for a while, all your friends and even your parents were there. Tears were falling down, and you didn't care it ruined your makeup. And then at the end there he was. My favourite face to see. Niall. '' Happiest birthday to you angel. I wish I could be there with you, just like we are always for our birthdays, but unfortunately I am not there to give you all the birthday hugs and wishes. I love you so much angel, keep rocking the world, and I will see you as soon as we can. '' At the end you were full on sobbing happy tears, hugging your manager and your band. The best surprise ever. '' I am very sorry for being a mess so publicly '' wiping your tears and thanking to whoever invented waterproof mascara for being the reason your makeup is not that ruined. '' Anyway, the show must go on, so let's go. '' picking up your acoustic guitar, adjusting it, you announce the song. ''You are in love. Let's go.''

''(...)

As the show is slowly coming to an end, and you're about to play a song that is about your boyfriend, that he inspired you to write. And Taylor helped you co-write it.

Morning, his place

Burnt toast, Sunday

You keep his shirt

He keeps his word

And for once, you let go

Of your fears and your ghosts

One step, not much

But it said enough

You kiss on side walks

You fight and you talk

One night he wakes

Strange look on his face

Pauses, then says

You're my best friend

And you knew what it was

He is in love. ''

'' Sadly, the show is slowly coming to an end. You guys were the absolute best and I adore spending my birthday with you all. This next song is literally one of the most accurate songs I've written about any of my relationship. When I got inspired by my loveliest boyfriend, I had to invite Taylor to help me write it, as we all know she is the lyrics master. Lover is one of my many nicknames I use for Niall, and I know that he's probably watching this or will watch it later, so hi Niall. '' you wave to one of the camera's while the crowd laughs. Gently, you start playing the guitar.

What you didn't know is that your boyfriend is a liar and is actually hiding with your assistant Jenna, waiting to come on the stage to surprise you. Of course, he wouldn't miss your birthday, even if he has to reschedule the concerts. You were absolutely worth it. As he waits for the part of the song he's gonna crash in, Jenna and Anna are making sure you don't accidentally notice Niall before time. The plan is for Anna to quickly distract you on one side while Niall comes out on the other side of the stage.

'' (...)

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)

You're my, my, my, my

Lover '' as you sing that part, you notice Anna waving at you like a maniac, distracting you and mouthing something to you. As you're trying to figure out what is she saying, the crowd starts screaming, and you freeze as the familiar voice starts to sing the next part of the song

''Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand...''

The song soon comes to an end, and you're bringing Niall into another hug. He just smiles and wraps his arms around your waist. '' Happy birthday, angel. I hope you don't mind me crashing. '' You just shake your head while holding him as close as you can. '' You are always welcome to crash my show. The next song is your song anyway, so you might as well stay and sing with me. '' he pulls away and looks at you. '' Let's go finish this show, so I can give you all the birthday kisses and hugs you want. ''

You turn around with your hand on your mouth, as the man himself makes his way towards you. You're in absolute shock because this man is supposed to be in America. He only laughs at your reaction as he pulls you towards him in a tight hug while still singing. Hugging him back, not wanting to let go of him. Slightly pulling away, looking him directly in his beautiful blue eyes while singing.

'' I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover ''

[renaroo123]

Daisies and Daffodils

(Not my GIF OBV, and yes its from Tick Tick! Boom, but this is Peter’s vibe within my story )

TASM!Peter ParkerX TASM MJ. Eventual NWH spoilers but this part is NWH spoiler free!

16+ is recommended due to talks of depression, anxiety and potentially (eventual) suggestive themes. but as of now this work is SFW!

Word count : 2K

Peter Parker was not ready to move on, despite Aunt May, and others in his life pushing him to do so. He'd tried once but it completely blew up in his face.

But a run in with someone from his past could throw everything off balance.  Setting him down the path that had always been meant for him.

A/N: So hi everyone. This is my first stab at writing any type of Fan fiction in years. But No way home really inspired me to write again. I won't promise any regular updates but this most likely will not be a One and done.

Also the first half of the title will be evident in a moment but the second half isn't. Daffodils are symbolic of Rebirth and new beginnings. So it's going to be very fitting

As always comments are welcome, and constructive feedback as well. Thank you all for your patience. I hope you enjoy it :)

.

####

Gripping the daisies in his hand Peter Parker walked through the trodden path of the cemetery.  He'd never been the most comfortable in Christian cemeteries but his comfort was the least important thing to him right now.

Daisies were hard to find this time of year, as it was still too cold for them to grow naturally in New York

But they were her favourite. And after all it was her birthday.

Gwendolyn Maxine Stacy.

Beloved Daughter, Sister and friend.

1996-2014

In the years since her death he must have read her name a million times. He'd memorized  every line in the marble, each weathered scratch from the harsh winters and even how the black paint in the carving of her name has started to grey over the years

Yet it never got easier.

Thankfully he never encountered anyone visiting her. It was a crowded yet quiet place where he could be alone with himself and just talk.

"Hey Gwen" he said, taking in a steading breath. "I know it's been awhile since I've come to see you, but I brought your favourites"

Brushing the snow from the small vase in front of the stone, he placed the flowers inside.

"Hopefully they'll last awhile. The last ones blew away from the wind."  

And there he sat, rambling about his life (not that it had been terribly exciting), talking about nothing. Praying that somehow, she could actually still hear him and it wasn't just for nothing.

".. and of course May is still trying to set me up with her co-workers. She had let me be perpetually single for a while. But I think she's getting antsy for Grandchildren. I swear she'll never–"

He was suddenly cut off by a familiar voice that made him freeze.

"Peter? Dear is that you? What are you doing here" the woman said, surprised.

There were only two women who had ever called him dear like that, and his mother had been gone for many years. So it had to be Mrs. Stacy.

Peter quickly looked over his shoulder, and offered a polite smile. "Hello Mrs. Stacy. It's good to see you." He stood up and brushed off his pants as he continued.

"I was just here visiting her, and giving her her favourite flowers" gesturing to the vase near his feet. "I always bring them with me when I visit"

"Peter dear, I know it's been awhile since we've seen each other but after all we've been through I've told you you can call me Helen." She gave a sad smile, yet moved closer putting a comforting hand on his arm, before continuing "I didn't expect you here. I thought I was the only one who still came. Even the boys don't come with me anymore"

That made his heart twinge. In more ways than one.

First of course in the obvious. The two of them being the only ones left to still visit Gwen Stacy.

Second because he felt bad he'd not seen Helen in so long. They'd grown close after Gwen passed it wasn't easy on either of them but especially for Helen. Having lost both her husband and daughter within two years of each other.

She'd been his rock for the first few months and years after, and Peter had been hers.Peter had truly begun to see her as more than his girlfriend's mother, really more like his own in some ways.

But just like the rest of his Peter Parker life he stopped caring, because the pain became too much.

So he'd thrown himself into working and Spiderman. Everything else stopped mattering.

Thirdly because the look of pity in her eyes cut him deep into his soul. Shuffling his feet he looked down, not able to hold her gaze any longer for fear the tears may come back again.

"I was coming myself to see her. She would have been 28 today" Helen said as she knelt down, placing her own small bouquet in the vase next to Peter's.

Peters' heightened senses told him that she was adding chrysanthemums to the vase. The smell of the mourning flower was unfortunately too familiar to the young man.

Despite his best efforts Peter could feel his eyes misting, as he saw Helen taking a moment and mouthing what he could only assume was a silent prayer for her daughter.

As she tried to rise he quickly helped her up. Offering his arm to steady her.  She'd accepted and rose to her feet, taking a step back from her daughter's head stone to admire their combined handy work.

She couldn't help but smile down, before looking over to Peter. "I hope you've been well dear, how did you do in your studies" the inquiry was genuinely placed and Peter could help but spill his every thought.

But before he could say too much, Helen interrupted. "Peter Dear, why don't we grab something to eat. Maybe some cake for her birthday. It's definitely too cold to be catching up outside"

Peter hesitated for a moment. Not wanting to fall back into caring too much again, for fear it may bring more heartache.

Hadn't he caused her enough by now?

But his gut told him to just accept. If for nothing else the (hopefully) free lunch (absolutely nothing to do with the fact he was still worried about Helen and how she had been coping these years). So the pair left Gwen behind and traveled the short distance to a cafe down the street.

###

The catching up had been something Peter hadn't known he needed. Even though it had been nearly 7 years since he'd last seen Helen or the rest of the Stacy family, he felt at ease here with her.

He was glad to hear the boys were all doing well. Phil and Howard having graduated college and Simon just starting this past fall. It was comforting. Familiar.  

He caught her up on his own life. Mostly staying on safe topics like his work, Aunt May and his grad school.

But the comforting conversation didn't last as long as he'd hoped, as the inevitable questions came up.

" … I'm glad everything has been working out well for you dear. How has Adam been? Are you still seeing him? He was such a sweet boy"

That name made Peter's blood run cold and the chocolate cake he'd been enjoying turned bitter in his mouth. Adam had been his boyfriend for a short time about 2 ½ years after Gwen had died.

But his grief had inevitably broken them up. Even though he had liked Adam a lot, he had rushed into a relationship. Mostly at May's behest, she feeling he had to get out of the house. What a disastrous time that had been. It had truly started his complete downward spiral.

And he had been the only person Peter had been with other than Gwen. Even nearly 10 years on, her loss still haunted him almost daily. But thankfully May had stopped pressuring him as much after the messy break up with Adam.

"Adam and I actually broke up. Just before we fell out of touch actually. He was lovely but looking back I wasn't ready for that type of relationship. Honestly I don't know if I'll ever be"

Normally that would have been enough to make most people drop that, but it seemed Gwen had gotten her stubborn nature from her mother.  

Peter could see that sad look in her eyes, and he had a feeling he knew what was coming. She put her fork down on the napkin before she continued.

"Peter, honey you can't truly mean that. You're a young man. You shouldn't be throwing your life away for a girl you can't follow." Peter could tell those words hurt her to say, but irregardless she kept speaking "It's not healthy, and I know you loved my Gwen. Deeply. Honestly I would have loved to have you for a son-in-law, but I know Gwen would not want you living like this"

She had kept going but Peter couldn't hear anymore. The familiar feeling of disassociation nearly pulled him completely away from the cafe. He felt his stomach turning with anxiety, the rich cake he'd just eaten feeling like a rock in his belly.

He tried his best to politely interject but he feared  he may have come across rudely. "Helen, I know you mean well, but I can't." Despite his best effort his tears had started falling. Sniffling to try and compose himself he continued "how can I move on, I loved her so much. I wanted to marry her, move to England, have kids and grow old. I'd even been planning to get your blessing. Did she ever tell you? We had jokingly said if we had a son we'd call him George after her dad. She was my whole world, and it's my fault she's dead"

Helen had started crying herself now. Reaching into her handbag she pulled out tissues for them both, handing one to Peter.

"Peter, I know it's hard. But truly I know Gwen would hate to see you like this. She loved you deeply and would want you to have all those things, even if it wasn't with her."  Helen dabbed her eyes.

They must have looked like a spectacle in the corner of that cafe. Two people sitting and crying into their chocolate cakes and coffee. But it had been a long time coming.

"Gwendolyn would not want you to blame yourself dear, despite what you may think it wasn't your fault. I know it was your idea to explore that tower but in the end it was a tragic accident. It was no one's fault"

He'd almost forgotten the official version of what happened. The official story being that the two of them had been exploring the tower for a photoshoot for his portfolio, when Spiderman and Green Goblin ,(as he'd been dubbed) had their fight. And Gwen had gotten caught in the cross hairs. Spiderman was too late to save her.

Of course she had believed the version he'd told the police when it happened. A new wave of guilt and shame washed over Peter, knowing he couldn't tell her the truth of her only daughter's death.

Secrets and lying seemed to be the only thing he was good at.

"I know Helen, but it doesn't seem fair. How can I be happy when she wasn't allowed to." He snapped, though he immediately regretted it. By now there were people staring, giving them both strange looks. "Can we step out of here? The cafe is giving us weird looks" he said defeated wiping his face with the tissues.

Helen nodded and stood up, grabbing her coffee, and Peter followed behind her out the door, and onto the sidewalk.

"Unfortunately it's not fair honey, you both should have been able to have all those things you wanted and hoped for. But Gwen was taken from us. And we have to keep going forward." Her voice was full of emotion. "I know it will be difficult but I think you should try baby steps. Why don't you come over for dinner. I'm having Phil and his fiancé over Saturday after next, I'm sure they'd love to see you again. I'll l make branzino, I remember how much you enjoyed it"

Peter let out a small laugh at her obvious attempt at easing the tension. "I think that would be a nice step. Thank you for inviting me."

"Phil will be happy to see you, all the boys ask about you even after all these years. They really looked up to you Peter. I'll call your Aunt Mays with the details. But for now I have to be going."

Peter nodded and watched her walk away down the busy sidewalk.

'What have I gotten myself into?' he thought, sneaking through an alleyway to put on his suit. The only way to clear thoughts this heavy was to swing. Maybe take down a few petty criminals.

As fast as he'd changed Spiderman was once again flying through the tall buildings of New York.

Though the city he loved had no idea the heavy weight Peter Parker had just put onto himself. On top of everything else.

A/n #2: SO yeah thats it, tell me what you think 😅

[saturatedsinset]

SPEAKING of "face reinvention", I'm going to need all the feels about the part that destroys me every time:

Wonders when exactly in Dean’s life he’s arrived. Refrains from asking, for the moment. Whatever year it is, it’ll take a lot of pain before Dean grows into Mox again. Should probably get the name thing out of the way, anyway. “‘s Mox, by the way.”

Dean freezes, cigarette halfway to his mouth. Stares, for a second, and then just glowers. Flips him off, voice sharp. “You’re fucking with me.”

“I’m not.” But Mox gets it. He remembers when he was younger, with WWE, convinced that the bad old days were behind him and that the old name represented them. Dean Ambrose had been a new leaf, and he’d clung to it no matter how bad it got, because he figured nothing could be worse than before. “It’s.” He shakes his head, takes a drag of his own cigarette, half-forgotten. “Long story. You do it— or. I did it? When I was ready.”

“We don’t go back to CZ-dub.” Dean’s voice is flat, but he’s staring at Mox with a desperation that says please say we don’t go back to CZW.

GOD i do write some shit don't i. i do write Some Things. god. i mention this in the author's note but face reinvention is heavily inspired by/almost based on night watch by terry pratchett, and the "it'll take a lot of pain before dean grows into mox again" very very closely echoes a line from that book:

“That was always the dream, wasn't it? 'I wish I'd known then what I know now'? But when you got older you found out that you NOW wasn't YOU then. You then was a twerp. You then was what you had to be to start out on the rocky road of becoming you now, and one of the rocky patches on that road was being a twerp.”

like i've read night watch seven? eight? times now and that line always really resonates with me. the idea that you're still you but there's a bunch of different iterations of you that the present you can never truly understand because you're not him. and i think it works Extremely well with mox-dean-mox, who is very clearly several different iterations of himself, with names to match.

and then dean is - dean is trying very hard, for most of this fic, to appear unaffected by anything, except the name and what it represents (to him, to 2014 dean ambrose) cuts all the way through the bravado and even the recent betrayal to this like. deep-seated fear at the very core of him that whatever he has now he's destined to lose. which isn't. all the way untrue

this passage is also suffused with the energy of most of the fic, which is mox sort of emotionally shepherding dean in a way that dean is completely clueless about. he's not asking when it is. he gets it. he's not saying anything that will be too jarring for dean to hear (yet).

tbh i think this passage is one of my favs from the whole fic, up there with the bar conversation and the "how'd you do it?" it's just so. raw. feels Scratchy. i love her

[giowritess]

minefields [tommy shelby]

MASTERLIST. | PEAKY BLINDERS.

❝ request: "Can you do fluff prompt 38. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen for Thomas Shelby at his wedding to the reader? Thank you!"

❝ pairing: Thomas Shelby x fem!reader

❝ plot: an aesthetical-y vision of how Tommy and reader got to where they are now.

❝ warnings: cursing, alcohol, age gap, mentions of war and Grace's death

❝ word-count: 837

❝ author’s note: hey guys! sorry to the anon who requested it that i took almost a year to write it lol. this is really short, i didn't put much thought into it since i wrote it while travelling. well, i reallyyyyy enjoyed this and, if you enjoy it too, i might expand it into a mini-series, following tommy and reader as they fall in love and eventually get married. so please share with me your thoughts!!! enjoy

this was beta'd by my darling ari — @amysteryspot. thank you and i love you so much! — if you're in search of a beta, you can make an order for free here at my blog: elysium editions, read the fixed post and learn how!

this was slighty inspired by the song "minefields" my faouzia and john legend.

i got inspired by @everyhowlmarksthedead's design of her posts, so credits to her <3

Happiness was thick in the air.

Everything was so perfect and in its righteous places. The blossoming flowers across the field, the soft spring breeze, the clear blue sky without a single cloud in sight. The sun was shining proudly, warming everyone up with its rays.

They couldn't have chosen a better day.

For once in Thomas's life, everything was working out.

Ever since France, he felt as if there was a dark cloud on his head and his alone. Making everything go wrong in the worst possible way. Murphy's law was always present in his life with the meaning that everything that could go wrong would go wrong.

It was no different with Grace. Tommy took so long to finally open up, to let her love seep in, so long to finally allow himself to open his heart and feel something. How good it felt to know there was someone out there who loved him despite everything.

But his small glimpse of happiness could only last for so long, and everything that could go wrong went wrong.

Tommy was trapped inside her memory. Trapped inside his anger and resentment for everything that happened that day, and the fact that he couldn't go back in time and save her. Offer his life instead of hers.

He took a vow then—Tommy wasn't risking his heart again, loving someone only to lose them all over again. It wasn't worth it because it would always end like this. He was way too old for this shit, anyway.

And then you came along, looking like nothing he'd ever seen before with your sweet floral dresses, your sharp sense of humor, and your soft giggle. You never looked at him as if he was someone bad, instead, you looked at him like the human being he was. You saw through every façade he put on, and that scared the hell out of him.

Tommy still remembered the day you met. You were lost in the betting shop, looking for Michael, standing out in your bright yellow dress. The two of you locked eyes but didn't speak. Surprisingly, you didn't look a slight bit intimidated by him—you simply didn't care. When Michael finally showed up, Tommy envied the way you hugged him.

Turned out you were an old childhood friend of his, from his life as Henry. Coincidentally or not, you were excellent with numbers as well. Better than anyone else at the betting shop, so you started sticking around more and more. Tommy always kept his distance, but also noticed the way you looked at him. Something he couldn't quite figure out glinting in your eyes:. Curiosity? Hate? Attraction?

Whenever you two had to talk, it was always as professional as ever. Thomas always had to remind himself you were sixteen years younger. You didn't deserve an old bastard like him, someone who was broken in so many ways. You deserved someone your age, someone who could give you a good, safe life he knew he couldn't. So he tried his best to look at you as just another secretary that would soon go away. But then your sweet smiles started to show up. The soft, unintentional touches that were actually full of intention from both sides. Then, he went from Mr. Shelby to Tommy in the blink of an eye, and from then on, he knew that he could try, but he would never get his heart back from you—it was entirely yours, already.

The first time you kissed was on a rainy night in his office. He couldn't sleep, so he decided to keep working with his whisky by his side and the warmth of the fireplace, hearing the lovely sounds of the raging storm outside. The sound of the lock startled him, making Tommy instantly reach for his gun.

Instead of meeting an enemy, he found you, drenched from the rain and freezing.

You were walking home from a drink with your friends when the rain surprised you. Since you were always more punctual than him, you had the key to his office, and there you found your refuge. You didn't expect to meet him, though.

Tommy made you sit by the fireplace and take off your drenched clothes, giving you his coat and handing you a glass of whisky. You caught him by surprise when you asked him to sit with you, but he surprised you more when he complied. And he surprised you, even more, when he finally kissed you.

That led to where you were now—about to get married, in front of your families in a simple ceremony on the field of flowers, your favorite place.

You caught his eye, admiring you, and smiled.

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Tommy said before finally sliding the ring on your finger.

He knew this could go wrong at any moment, but you were worth the risk. He would fight for you, even if he had to cross minefields. You were his, and he was yours.

author’s note: remember to tell me what u think about turning it into a mini series!

[pedropascalssimp]

Grumpy

Boba fett x fem reader

Summary: boba is a grumpy man but we love him... Also for a real summary: the reader is annoying, always talking and being a goofy person. And boba only tolerates it because he loves her.

Warnings: slight language I think? Slight jealous boba, he's also a bit insecure in this one. Fluff, FLUFF.

Pic credit to @xxrosaaa29xx I'm using your pic for scientific research purposes 👀

Also dala means "woman" in mando'a incase whoever reads this didn't know and found themselves in confusion like I do most times....

I know I also said I'd write for din more but, c'mon! My bestest friend ever here inspired me to write this!

Thank you my amazingly beautiful friend @friendscall-me-mom this was spurred on because you 👀

Boba was a busy man, he couldn't seem to hold still for more then two minutes. He always had something keeping him busy or somewhere to be, but that's the way he liked it. So ever since boba claimed the throne that once belonged to jabba the hut and later jabba's companion Bib Fortuna, boba found himself almost never leaving the palace, it was relaxing yes, a nice relaxing thing actually, but also a little too... Uneventful for his liking. So after leaving Fennec in charge over the palace, someone he knew he could trust, he brought you along with him to venture away from tatooine to accompany him on his first bounty hunt in almost six years.

When he had gruffly asked you to join him, it left you baffled. You thought he'd enjoy a nice time away from you considering he always spoke of how annoying you are, he always ignores you are tries putting a distance between the two of you. In your eye's he hated you, his actions displaying such. But in all honesty? Boba fett found himself attracted to you, his brown eyes always glued to you when you walked into the room, gaze unable to leave your figure for a second. His heart always doing the annoying flip it does whenever he hears your laugh or catches a glimpse of that beautiful smile adorning your face.

He pushed you away because he didn't know how to love you like you deserved, you was always so... Happy, bubbly personality and jokes putting a smile on everyone's face. He was afraid that if he let you love him, his usual grumpy and hardened personality would dent your chirpy one. So... He pushed you away.

But you didn't ever see the adoring looks he gave you, or the faint tug of his lips when you told a joke. All of those things went unnoticed by you, partly because the helmet he wore and the fact he always hid his emotions well. Something you found infuriating. But despite that, and his constant grumpy behavior towards you, you found yourself intrigued by the man, you couldn’t deny he was a handsome man. Dark eye's that seemed to sparkle whenever the light hit them just right. And although his words was always short, sometimes even harsh on the more stressful days for him, you found yourself hanging on to every word he spoke, his voice intoxicating, beautiful. You scolded yourself many times for falling in love with boba fett, but then again how could you not have? When he showed you rare moments of kindness - especially when you had both met on tython, you having permission from your friend din to stay with boba. Because din saw how you looked at boba, he knew you was in love with him.

But damn was boba oblivious, or either he knew you was smitten with him and just hid it well. Whatever the case, you was slightly hurt by the fact he always found a way to either distance himself from you are push you away.

Slave I was quite, boba sitting in the co-pilot seat while you let your mind roam freely to dwelling thoughts. But you let out a little laugh, the sound drawing boba's attention as he tilts his helmet in your direction.

"what's funny dala?" he asked, speaking mando'a, a nickname you've learnt well. He often enjoyed using it in a mocking manner though, it usually rolled off his tongue whenever he was annoyed or like said, mocking someone, aka, you.

You shrug, a grin on your lips. The reason you was amused though, was today's previous events played on your mind. You and boba had both stopped by a cantina on Batuu, only stopping their for fual and a bite to eat. Because you wouldn't shut up until boba finally gave in and took you somewhere to eat. And as you was both enjoying a meal, boba choosing a nice empty booth in the dark corner as he took his helmet off. A man had been flirting with you, it was harmless really, a few compliments on your beauty and a few hints of how the man genuinely wanted to get to know you better. Although he seemed nice you didn't really want to speak with him, so let him down easy.

But boba was, for some odd reason to you, pissed off with the man's constant talking. He didn't like how his eyes roamed your body, didn't like how you indulged him, and he really didn't like how he talked to you, using those flirty little comments and jokes, coaxing a laugh or two from you. Boba hated it, he was fuming. So without hesitation, boba threatened the poor man's life with a cold hard stare causing the man to flee the whole planet with fright.

Although you was slightly mad at boba in the moment, you found it hilarious now. Letting out another laugh you try and cover your mouth, stifling the laugh. "what is it?" he seemed genuinely curious but his words came out bitter.

"you scared that poor man to death boba... He literally left Batuu because of one simple glare and a few threats!" you laughed, grabbing your side because of how hard you was laughing now. "di - did you see his face!" you wheeze out through laughter, "he almost pissed his pants!" you shake your head and your laughter dies down.

Boba, unknowingly to you, had a smile on his face, Almost prideful. He focuses his attention on you now, loving the sight of your wide smile now. He had thought he angered you with how he scared the man off, he thought you was actually attracted to the other man. But seeing you laughing about the situation put him at ease, you wasn't mad at him.

"I thought he was bothering you, he was surely bothering me with his jabbering" boba tried to brush the topic off. He felt slightly annoyed he was jealous over the fact the man had made you smile and laugh. And the man was younger, his face not as scarred or aged as boba's. He didn't want to admit it, but he felt a little insecure when around you, why would you want him when the galaxy had so much more out there for you?

"oh he wasn't jabbering, he was being nice... But you scared him enough to flee the planet" you giggle, amused by the situation.

He only grunts in response, one of many signs he was in a grumby mood. You flicker your eyes down at his side, the side his beskar failed to cover.... Grinning you reach over and poke him.

"stop being grumpy" you muttered playfully, his visor snapping in your direction before falling down to look at where you kept your hand, ready to puke him again.

"I'm not grumpy princess" he harshly grunts out while taking your hand in his and throwing your hand back into your lap. "don't touch me..." he muttered. He may have came off as angry, but under the helmet he was flustered, your touch sending a delightful warmth spreading all over him, turning his face red.

Your smile filters for a moment, thinking you may have infuriated him. The sight makes him guilty until he sees you grin again. "you have to be ticklish, everyone is. I'm now making it my goal to find you're ticklish spot!" you declare cheerfully. Boba shaking his head.

"I'm not ticklish. let me be dala" he spoke while putting the ship on autopilot as he went into hyperspace. Standing up he leaves the cockpit, you following him. He walks into the cargo area, plopping down on a crate as he takes his helmet off, usual stoic expression on his face as he cleans his helmet off. A act he does out of boredom you've grown to discover.

"not ticklish eh? So you won't mind..." you sit beside him making him go stiff visibly, his hand freezing as he wiped the visor off. "this!" you slither your hand on the spot between his neck and shoulder and start tickling, but he does even smile, much to your dismay.

"please stop" he deadpanned. And you do so with a huff. "I'm not ticklish so stop" he continued wiping his helmet off.

You sigh deeply and cross your arms. "I've never seen you smile nor laugh, If I can't find you're ticklish spot then I'll tell you joke's!" you state, his face slowly morphs into one of annoyance.

"please don't... I left tatooine for two reasons: peace and to be able stretch my legs for a bit" he said while looking up at you, his dark eye's capturing you for a bit.

"then why did you invite me to join you? You know I annoy you with my presence" you say, arms crossed.

He invited you because he knew how men eyed you on tatooine with hunger, with a undeniable look of lust. He hated it, wanted to rip all their eyes out for doing so. He knew that if he left any man could waltz up to you and flirt their way into your heart. So he brought you with him because he'd be damned if he left you on tatooine, he never wanted to leave your side.

"because I knew that if I didn't you wouldn't shut up, I've heard how you wanted to leave the place for a little vacation as you put it and I had already planned on hunting so... I invited you" he muttered, blowing on the visor to ensure its clean before sitting it aside, now cleaning his blaster. It wasn't a lie, he heard you telling Fennec how you wished to escape the sands and scorching hot heat for at least a little bit.

Your heart swells at his words, to anyone it was nothing. to you... It was his way of showing affection. He knew you wanted a vacation so he took you with him, if you didn't know any better you'd say he even planned this hunt because that. But that was wishful thinking.

"did I ever I tell you the story of how Mando got zapped by those jawa's?" you snicker, knowing that would at least make him smile. But he nods, confirming you have.

"more then once mesh'la" he didn't mean to let that one simple word slip from his mouth, but it did, and from the beaming smile and small blush on your cheeks, he knew you knew what it meant.

"oh you think I'm beautiful now?" you tease, seeing the way he tensed up whenever the word rolled off his tongue, you knew that you turning it into playful banter would ease away whatever it was that made him tense like that.

"shut up girl" he grumbled while standing up, you doing so making him huff. "don't follow me around like a damn lost child!" he snaps, taking you aback slightly. But you shrug his words off, although they did hit pretty hard.

He saw that and grumbled something before continuing whatever it was he was doing. "what if I don't wanna stop!" you say with a giggle, following him to the poor excuse for a bed he used.

"then I guess I'm gonna have to face the fact you're goal and life purpose is to annoy me" he said, sitting on the bed, slowly stripping the beskar off piece by piece. You could only watch as his soft shirt he wore under it exposed the softness of him, his tummy practically begging for you to reach out and tickle it -

You grin at the thought his tummy would be ticklish, it was a mischievous glint in your eye that alarmed him. "oh no" he muttered as you grin at him and flop down beside him on his bed.

"admit it boba, you enjoy my company" you sigh with a big smile, his scoff only making you giggle. He opens his mouth to respond but whatever he wanted to say was forgotten the moment you tickle his belly, soft and adorable like you always thought it would be.

His eye's widen as he finds himself laughing, a smile on his face. He falls backwards on the bed as you crawl on top of him, straddling him as you continue tickling his belly as your heart flutters at the sight of his smile and sound of his gruff laughter.

"you do have a ticklish spot!" you laugh, his large hands resting on your hips as he flips you over, now he was hovering over you.

"you are relentless" he mused, his smile now gone and replaced back with his grumpy expression. "don't ever do that again mesh'la" he grumbled. But he couldn't deny how being so Close to you makes his desire to kiss you grow strong. Once he catches

"oh Stop being grumpy, it’s lame." you tease him, cheeky smile. He shakes his with a huff.

"You're an idiot" he retorts while rolling off of you, much to your dismay. He sits up and back in the position he was once in. You sit up beside him.

"but you love me" you said it before you could register what exactly fell off your tongue. Boba seemed to freeze beside you, making fear settle deep within your very core. "I - I didn't mean - like -

Your stuttering was shushed by the smile boba gave you, it was soft, didn't quite reach his eye's but it was still genuine. "unfortunately dala I do..." he didn't look you in the eye, instead, his cheeks starting to turn a little pink as he fiddle with a piece of his armor he picked up off the floor, he didn't want to see you possibly reject him, he didn't want to see your face when you laugh at him for confessing such a thing.

But maker was he surprised when you scooted closer and gently cup his cheek making him look at you, the genuine soft smile on your face different from the cheeky ones or mischievous ones you'd always offer the bounty hunter.

"do you mean it?" you ask him, voice barely above a whisper as your eyes search his dark brown ones for the answer, and you saw it, swimming amongst the endless brown hues of his eyes. A truthful, raw emotion besides being angry he showed you, displaying it before your very eyes. Love, adoration, truth....

"I have loved you since the moment I saw you, although I'll have to admit I thought you and you're mandalorian friend was already a couple. That's why I hesitated to talk to you so much" boba confessed, a smile beaming on your face as your eyes glow with joy. Your thumb subconsciously stroking one of many scars on his face.

"likewise, I've never seen someone quite as handsome as you before, nor as intriguing" his snort of amusement made you give him a confused look, wondering what he found funny.

"oh so you find me intriguing?" he smugly replied causing you to roll your eye's. Your free hand that wasn't holding his face, fell to his soft tummy. He tenses up and gives you a warning look. "don't" he muttered.

But you only grin at him, "why not? If you want to laugh at me I'll give you something to laugh at" you slip a hand up his shirt, his warm skin soft. Your touch had his heart doing a flip, if not for the fact he knew you planned on tickling him, he'd find this soothing.

"I wasn't laughing, just simply asking a question"

"after you let out a little laugh" you point out, he shakes his head ready to protest, but you had already begun your assault, tickling his belly. Practically in his lap again as he fell back.

You both knew that if he really wanted, he could stop you easily. But hearing his thunderous laugh echo across the ship and seeing his beautiful smile? It made you beam with happiness, a sight boba couldn't get enough of.

Needless to say, after the hunt you and boba has shared a kiss, slept in his arms every night as he claimed you as his. When you both arrived back on tatooine and into the palace you called home, Fennec had seen how boba had became extra protective over you, seeing how he couldn't seem to leave your side. She knew the hunt brought you both together, it was a relief, now she didn't have to see you both dance around your feelings for each other.

_________________________________________

[broadstflyers]

A/N: Welp, inspiration struck me, felt as though it quite literally hit me over the top of my head at like 1am, so I proceeded to write this at...1am. It was fun, honestly. It was meant to be a shorter blurb, but I guess it grew into a longer one. I have been experimenting with different writing styles to see which one fits me the best, so I gave the main character a name this time, Alessandra. Also, I was a slight idiot and on my first tag list, I made it specific to the other series I am writing. If you like this piece and the other Mat piece I wrote and you want to be tagged when I post any writing at all, the tag list is here. The semi lowercase thing I've got going on is purposeful. As always, feedback is appreciated, and if you like it, give it a like, reblog, or pop into my asks. Thanks! :)

Warnings: Cursing, angst, mentions of anxiety

Word Count: 1.4k

Summary: When an ex comes back in a moment of weakness, you have to make a tough decision.

you say nothing as you approach the black haired boy sitting at a table in your english class. you sit down next to him. he looks up at you, and you lock eyes. no words are spoken, only a mutual understanding. one that only you two could define. you suddenly inch closer to him, continuing to lean in until your head is resting on his chest. you rest your arm next to your head, and he wraps an arm around you.

home. warm. it was.

you could feel his heart beating out of his chest. your heart fluttered with joy. it was instant. it was marvelous. it was beautiful.

“I love you, Alessandra.”

you lurch forward out of your bed, heart beating so fast you are shaking. you pant heavily, tears stream your face, startled. your eyes dart around your room to ground yourself through watery eyes. you hold up your trembling hands, something that has refused to stop since he walked out of your front door for the last time two months ago.

“please don’t visit,” you choke out. you find the strength to turn around and grab your pillow. your chest pounds with pain, every movement is agonizing. you squeeze your soft pillow against your chest to try and alleviate the self-sustained blow. you pretended the pillow could somehow suck the heavy feelings out of you, the way he used to use his hands of healing magic, the way he used to place them with gentle care on your chest to somehow suck the anxiousness out of you onto himself.

you mindlessly rock back and forth, waiting for the waves of mind numbing pain to recede back into the endless deep abyss of despair.

“please don’t visit,” you repeat in a weak voice. not that he could hear your begging, anyways.

he didn’t hear your pleas to love you how you loved him- with every bone in your body. he held a knife in his calloused hands and carved his initials into your soul. every inch of your soul belonged to him, and you let it.

how can you break a bond that felt as though the angels themselves used their delicate touch to hand-tie the gold string you once believed held you two together?

maybe that explains why this feels like hell.

you flinch as you hear a sharp knock at the front door. you should probably get that, but you instead settle back into your hazy gaze out into your room.

a second knock rings throughout the apartment, faster, with a sense of urgency.

“please don’t visit,” you croak.

“Alessandra,” a voice croaks back. “open up.”

your blood freezes cold, eyes grow wide in panic. fire spreads through your veins. hot and cold sensations rip you apart limb from limb. your voice feels broken. no sounds come out when you open your mouth.

I guess I should move.

so you do. you stand up a little too quickly, and your vision goes black. you place your palms down on the bed and wait for your vision to return. you tip toe over to the door and place your palm on your chilling door. goosebumps erupt on your skin.

“it’s Mat,” his once soothing voice whispers through the door.

“Mat,” you quietly repeat back.

“yes, it’s me,” he says with a sigh of relief that you answered him.

his voice of familiarity is catching you in a stint of anxiety where you just want something- anything that’s familiar. you know this. when you used to gaze into his kind, brown eyes, you would see the boy you met in eighth grade, not the man that walked out that door just two months ago.

you went to move the locks, and you unlocked both of them, until you pulled back with hesitancy. “I can’t, Mat, I can’t,” you breathe out, “I can’t see you. please,” you plead, “hear me. I, I can’t. you didn’t hear me all those months I pleaded with you. hear me now.”

you can hear him place his head on the door with a soft thump.

“I still love you, Alessandra,” he mumbles.

and that was it. you just about exploded. the emotions you had kept at bay were unleashed. you began to sob and you sank to the ground until you could hug your knees. you still faced the door. you knew he shouldn’t walk in, but you almost wanted him to. you wanted him to put an end to this, but was it a good idea?

no, it wasn’t. and you knew that.

you began to take deep breaths to calm yourself down. “it’s unlocked,” you hear yourself say in the distance. you didn’t immediately regret those words like you thought you would. you had scooted yourself away from the door so you wouldn’t get hit.

he slowly opened the creaky door, and glances down to see you blankly staring at your knees. what else could you do? it was awkward enough.

he doesn’t say anything. the apartment is dead.

he carefully sits down across from you, far enough where he isn’t in your face, but close enough that you could extend your legs and they would touch him.

you both sit in silence for a moment, trying to adjust to being in each other’s presence again. his presence felt so natural, yet so nerving. you weren’t used to feeling so on edge around him. so hurt.

“time,” you sniff and break the unbearable silence. “I need time,” you reaffirm.

he nods slowly. “I understand,” he whispers. “I know I hurt you. I know I fucked up. I fucked up badly.”

you don’t move a muscle from staring at the seam on your sweatpants. you take a shaky breath. it’s now or never.

“Mat, do you know how painful it is to have to practically beg someone to not treat you like shit one day and then to decide the next day I’m the fucking greatest human being on this planet?” you start to find your voice again.

“I had to beg my boyfriend to treat me with respect. the person I gave my soul to. do you know how much that fucking killed me?” your voice was seething with anger as you remembered the end of your relationship. feelings of betrayal and hurt overtook you.

you push yourself off the floor. he follows you.

“you don’t love me,” you assert. “you ‘love’ me because of when you met me. I’m just familiar to you.”

he makes a taken aback face, his eyebrows furrow. “hey, I know what I feel okay? and yeah, I was a fucking asshole. I realize that now. I shouldn’t have acted out on you like I did. I shouldn’t have made you beg for basic human respect. I’m sorry.”

you look into his eyes again. those brown innocent eyes were once filled with sparkling joy. you see 13 year old you dancing around with his favorite flower in your hair. you see hundreds of dates, each one more special than the last.

you see innocent you. it’s just familiarity. you know it is. you’re too hurt, mind too foggy to really sort through your feelings to figure out if you love the mat standing in front of you.

“I’m going to need time, Mat. I am still feeling too much hurt to decide how I feel.”

he swallows hard, but eventually nods. “okay.”

with a heavy heart, you walk him to the door. before he can walk out, he stops, turns around, and looks down at you one last time. you gaze up into those endless eyes of his, heart shattering because you know you have to send him on his way. it’s for your own good.

he opens his mouth to speak and you gently shake your head. he closes his mouth, and you offer him a nod as in, it’s time to go. you can see his body exhale. he steps through the door frame, this time you sending him through there yourself. you don’t wait to see if he will turn around. you don’t want to see if he turns around. you want to close that door knowing you are the one who sent him away, and that was all you wanted to remember in the future. and so you do.

you lock the locks with every ounce of you left, pressing your fingers down to make sure the door was actually locked. you just wanted to keep everything out. every weird feeling, any remote desire to go back to him.

you paused to touch the door one last time, letting a single tear flow down your cheek before turning to crawl back into bed and sulk for the rest of the day.

you knew deep down that was the last time you would ever see the face of your teenage love.

he won’t be visiting anymore.

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again, here's the link to the tag list, and my asks are open if you want to talk about this piece! I hope you...well...enjoyed it, I guess? lmao

[not-so-mundane-after-all]

Alright, so- Inspired by my awesome friend @undertheknightwing who created this AMAZING list of Dad!Dick Grayson headcanons (go check it out!!!) I decided to write down the mess I have in my own head into this giant ball of fluff, humor and angst.

So let me present you:

The Graysonfam List of Headcanons and Analysis

It's a looong ass list of my headcanons, mixed with an analysis of some scenes, looking into the motives and behavior of the characters. It's in more or less chronological order and divides into groups: season 1 (+2x01), the time jump, season 2, season 3 hopes/predictions and future. If you want me to turn any of these into fics or you feel like you could do something with it, just let me know. And now... ENJOY!

SEASON 1:

The first time Dick thinks of Gar and Rachel as his kids happens during the events of 1x08 and 1x10. It's pure instinct and it doesn't come to him until much later when he realizes that not only he thought of them this way but he actually meant it.

When he and Donna start translating Kory's notes and it becomes clear that Rachel might still be in trouble, he's immediately on his feet, asking Donna for the keys to her car and ordering her to take the books with her, so they could continue on the way. He's acting fast, ignoring Donna's questions because there's no time for explanation, my daughter is in danger. He almost says it out loud - almost. 

When Donna tells him the danger clearly comes from Kory, he wants to deny it. Kory adores these kids just as much as he does, she would never hurt them. But he puts his feet on the gas anyway, breaking every speed limit possible, because if one hair falls from Gar's and Rachel's heads, he will burn the world to find the person responsible, even if it's Kory (especially if it's Kory)

When they get there the first thing he sees is Gar being thrown in the air, and his mind short circuits to only one thing: Gar, my boy, my son. Is he okay? Thankfully Donna takes care of the rest so he's free to take care of the boy. He pulls him up, holding him tight by the shoulders and makes sure he's okay, but the words 'my son' are still circling his mind.

Speaking of Donna - when Dick starts telling her about Rachel the first time, she wants to cry from happiness. Over these past five years all she saw in Dick's eyes was pain and suffering. A storm of bottled up emotions, raging monsters of anger ready to get out. His body looked weighed down, as if he was Atlas holding the world on his shoulders. And now he's talking about this little girl who threw a brick at a cop car in Detroit and his eyes start to shine as if they were stars in the night sky. His smile grows when he brags about how smart and witty she is, how she's more intelligent than she gives herself credit for, how similar the two of them are. He talks about her bravery and her big heart and he sounds so damn proud Donna's heart is about to burst out of her chest. "I thought I couldn't do it." he tells her. "I fucked up so many times. But she had awakened something in me. I just can't describe it." She can but she doesn't say it - he needs to get to it on his own. (Over a year later, when the girl who turned her brother's world upside down tries to guide her back to the light through the darkness of afterlife, Donna finally says "I always knew he'd be a great father someday. You have no idea how much he loves you." "He told you that?" Rachel asks quietly, trying to hold back her tears. Donna looks at her and smiles. "He didn't have to. I saw it in his eyes.")

Then Dick gets to the part about finding Rachel's mother and suddenly something changes. He's trying to seem like he's happy for her, he says he's glad everything ended well and now Rachel can start a new life but Donna sees right through his facade. He thinks he can't be a part of this new life and it's killing him.

Which brings me to something very important I've noticed a long time ago - Angela's presence makes Dick hold himself back. That's why he decided to leave - Rachel had her mother back, a guardian who could take care of her from now on so he wasn't needed anymore. His job was done. But at this point he's already too attached to just leave like that and when he learns that danger isn't over he comes back immediately. But when he gets there he's met with a wall. Angela is very territorial (we all know why but Dick didn't know that) and Rachel is too overwhelmed by everything but let's be real - if Angela wasn't there Dick would be hovering over Rachel like crazy. But he doesn't. Why? Because he thinks it's not his place to do so. It's easier to go after Kory than to just be standing there awkwardly, wanting to help and comfort but not being able to.

He remembers everything Trigon put him through - every fucking detail. There is some stuff from the vision he wants to laugh at - Him and Dawn? Married? Maybe once upon a time he entertained that thought but he abandoned it long ago. There are things he's actually grateful for - seeing Gar and Rachel as they could be in the future, grown up, in college, happy. That's the one thing he doesn't want to forget. And Johnny - he doesn't want to forget Johnny either. 

His mind was sort of awake, in two places at once, even though he didn't have any control over his body. He remembers chasing the kids around the house, Gar screaming "Real life horror movie!" as he and Rachel tried to run away from him. He remembers Rachel pleading with him when the others were beating the poor boy. He wanted to respond, wanted to let her know he can hear her but he couldn't do anything. He watched helplessly as his own hand pulled Gar up and finished what others started. He screamed and shouted but it was in vain. And then he cried and howled like a wolf watching as Trigon ripped Rachel's heart from her chest and crushed it in his hand, then placed the red gemstone in her forehead. He remembers her dark eyes and evil smirk. He remembers thinking it was over, feeling heartbroken and defeated. He gave up, let the darkness swallow him whole. He didn't want to see more, it was easier locking himself up in this vision because he knew Bruce laying dead in rubble wasn't real. And then she came to him. Back straight and head held high, piercing blue eyes locked on him. He remembers his tone when he spoke to her, taunting and dangerous but it didn't scare her. "We're supposed to save each other" she told him and he wanted to cry but Trigon had him wrap his fingers around her throat and choke her - another thing he would never do. He would never lay a damn finger on her and Trigon was well aware of that. But Rachel knew that too. And she wasn't scared. 

He remembers the circus she brought him into. Empty stage, broken chairs scattered everywhere. He never wanted to come back here. And even though his body stood there motionless he was trashing inside, wanting to get out of here but more importantly wanting to get her out of here. Seeing Rachel on that platform, ready to jump, it was too much. He couldn't lose her, like he lost his parents. He didn't catch them but he sure as hell was going to catch her. So when she fell - he snapped. Got the control back, his muscles acted on memory and he jumped. He flew like he used to and wrapped his fingers around her wrists, holding her tight. He caught her. He would always catch her.

When they wake up all he wants to do is hold her. Relief almost sends him to his knees. But then Gar walks in, all bloody and bruised and all that relief turns into freezing agony and guilt. I did this, he thinks. It's my fault. But there is no time for apologies or explanation, Trigon is still there. Letting Rachel go deal with him on her own is hard but Dick knows she could do it - and she did. Seeing her walking out of that fog is one of the most beautiful views he saw in his life. And when he finally takes her into his arms he doesn't let go until Kory basically rips her out of his embrace.

He wants Kory to go with them. Kids need her. His idea of giving Gar and Rachel a new life included her. Included both of them, taking care of the kids together. Things between them are tangled and complicated but one thing that is neither of those things is their attachment to these two. But Kory just got her memories back, she has her own issues to deal with, she needs time and space - and he respects that, so do Gar and Rachel. But Dick would be lying if he said he didn't notice their disappointment.

The first day of their roadtrip across the country is quiet - mostly because they are all so goddamn tired. Dick pulls up to a motel before dark, deciding that the more sleep they get the better. They pick two rooms next to each other, Jason and Gar in one, he and Rachel in the other. Rachel immediately vanishes in the bathroom, so Dick has time to sit down and think (as if he wasn't doing it the entire day while driving). An idea is shaping in his head, memories of a beloved city in sunny California come to the surface of his mind and he knows this is where he wants to take the kids. But he has to make a stop at Gotham first, he needs to talk to Bruce and most importantly return Jason home. Rachel walks out of the bathroom in fresh clothes Donna left for her and crawls into bed without a word. He takes his time to tuck her in, then sits down on the edge of her bed. She's beyond exhausted, but she's safe, she's with him, everything will be alright. He will never let anyone take her away from him again. And when he's watching her fall asleep, holding her hand in his, three words come to his mind, words he's not ready to say aloud yet but he knows them to be true. I love you.

THE TIME JUMP:

Physical affection is something I think the show is pretty good at showing but I still crave to see more. It's clear that Dick struggles to be affectionate, whether that be through words or touch. And he doesn't even realize he's actually very good at it. Why? Because whenever he does it, he's acting on instinct. The biggest proof? All his hugs with Rachel in s1. Boy had no idea what to do, it was written on his face, but his arms went up nonetheless. He didn't freeze, he didn't push her away, but reacted accordingly. The hugs in 1x02 and 1x04 are the only ones he initiated on his own, but he still wasn't sure if he's doing it right. As the show went on he slowly eased into it, but was still taken by surprise when it happened (1x08, the first hug in 2x01). By the end of 2x01 he seems to be pretty comfortable with it but I think it's during the time jump when he really starts to understand the importance and power of physical affection and how these kids really need it. The pat he gave Gar on the shoulder in 2x03 or their hug in 2x09 felt really natural, same as the goodbye hug with Rachel in 2x13. All three of them got comfortable with each other during those first three months in SF. Which leads me to…

Cuddle sessions. Yes, this is definitely a thing at Titans Tower (*cough*Grayson*cough*household*cough). It starts that first night when Dick, Rachel, Gar and Jason gather on the couch to watch a movie. Rachel lays down and rests her head on Dick's thigh while Gar settles comfortably on his other side. Dick has no idea when it happened but he freezes for a moment when he realizes his hand is on Rachel's head, fingers carding through her hair. The girl seems to be asleep already but stirs when he stops and asks him to continue, so he does. Soon after that Gar's head lands on his shoulder as the boy starts nodding off. The sudden contact wakes him up and he pulls away awkwardly, apologizing but Dick tells him it's okay so Gar leans back against him. The feeling of having the two of them so close brings a sense of calm to Dick and soon he falls asleep as well. He wakes up in the morning with the two teenagers basically laying on top of him and Jason standing over them with a smirk and a phone in his hand.

After that it sort of becomes a thing and not just during movies. Whenever Dick sits down on the couch, whether to work or to simply relax, Gar or Rachel (or both) would find him and snuggle to him, at first hesitantly, but with more confidence as the time passes and they get comfortable with it. After three months of living together all Dick has to do is pat the spot next to him for them to jump on the couch and cuddle up, tho Rachel is the one who does it most often and with no hesitation.

Dick very quickly starts understanding how important it is for them so he starts returning the favor. A good job pat on the shoulder during training, a kiss dropped on the top of the head during breakfast, a comforting shoulder rub when they aren't feeling well, emotionally or physically. Gar loves when Dick ruffles his hair, he even leans into it sometimes, while Rachel's favorite things are forehead kisses and tucking her hair behind her ear (but neither of them would ever say that out loud)

Words are as important as gestures, which brings us to affectionate pet names. It feels normal and almost ordinary when it comes from a woman - Rachel has been called 'honey' by Melisa and 'sweetheart' by Dawn but she wasn't phased by it. But when Dick calls her 'honey' for the first time, she nearly drops her coffee mug. It comes out so naturally and he doesn't even realize he said it, but it takes her breath away and she needs a moment to collect herself. With Gar it's usually 'Bud', 'Buddy', or 'Tiger Boy' spoken affectionately and he's always beaming with happiness when he hears Dick saying that.

One night, shortly after Trigon, Rachel slips into his bedroom in the middle of the night, saying she can't sleep. The memories are too vivid, too real. Her lips are trembling and she looks like she's about to fall apart and that's all it takes for Dick to sit up, open his arms for her and with full awareness and conviction say "come here, baby girl". She falls asleep snuggled to his bare chest and Dick feels his throat getting dangerously tight. He'd seen many times, mostly on TV, images of parents holding their babies to their bare skin - something about creating a bond through skin-to-skin contact. He was never able to wrap his head around this concept, but now, as he feels Rachel's cheek pressed to his heart, her hand closed in his resting on his stomach, the understanding hits him like a speeding train, pushing a tear or two out of his eyes. It's something indescribable, feels profound and almost sacred. The love he feels in this moment is overwhelming.

Gar has nightmares too, he usually wakes up screaming. It scares Dick at first, how he reacts, because the boy pulls away, wide eyed and shaking, and doesn't want to be touched. Guilt overwhelms Dick because he's sure it's because of him, because of what he did to Gar while being under Trigon's control. He tries to apologize and Gar accepts it but explains to him that his nightmares are not Dick's fault and they are not even about that (Dick can feel the boy is lying for both of their sakes but lets him anyway). It takes a few tries and lots of pleading and building trust but one night Gar finally falls into Dick's arms, sobbing into his shoulder. He pulls the boy close, runs his fingers through his hair just like Gar likes it and whispers "it's okay, my little boy." over and over again until Gar's body goes limp in his hold and he can put him back to sleep. Neither of them mentions it in the morning, but Gar gives him a look full of gratitude, filling his heart with warmth.

One evening during their first week in SF they organise a 'bonding night' - Gar's idea. There's take out and board games and staying up all night, talking. At some point one of them suggests sharing any hidden talents (besides superpowers of course) and details no one knows about them. Jason admits to being a theatre nerd ("it's thespian you idiots!") and proves it by flawlessly rapping verses from Hamilton. Gar thanks to travelling with his parents can fluently speak few African languages, he also shares that during his time at the Doom Manor Rita taught him the basics of playing piano. When it's Dick's turn he gets up from the couch and vanishes for a few minutes, but eventually comes back with a guitar, saying he had learned to play during his circus days, but hadn't done it in a while so he might be a little rusty. He plays a few cords, trying to spark his memory and when the notes finally come to him, a beautiful melody fills the room (I always imagine it's Viva la Vida by Coldplay). And suddenly this melody is joined by an angelic voice - Rachel closes her eyes and starts singing quietly, recognizing the song. She only opens her eyes when she's finished and finds the three of them looking at her in absolute awe, Dick's eyes seem to be a bit watery. She gets a bit embarrassed and says it's nothing but they start cheering and clapping anyway. Gar asks her where did she learn to sing like that and she admits she used to sing in a church choir when she was little, but had to quit after her powers started showing. The night ends with a little jam session and lots of laughing.

Gar and Rachel grew up on golden era of Disney Channel shows (Jason knows them too but he'd rather be tortured than ever admit that) and once the news is out Dick is forced to sit through the entire run of Wizards of Waverly Place. But watching Rachel flawlessly impersonate the main character Alex, knowing every line word for word makes him grin like a madman and laugh so hard his stomach hurts and tears roll down his cheeks. He pulls her to him and she falls on him in a fit of uncontrollable giggles while Gar and Jason give her a standing ovation.

SEASON 2:

While hanging out together is important, Dick also makes sure he gets to spend some time with each of them separately. With Jason it's mostly through training - the boy isn't very keen on spending one-on-one quality time outside of the gym, but prides himself to be Dick's right hand man during lessons, having more experience over the other two. With Gar it's video games most of the time - Dick learned to play specifically for him and actually started paying attention to gaming lore. But it's not just that - Gar has a talent to anything tied to technology so they spend a lot of time together in the tech room where the boy learns to operate the Tower system. It brings both of them a lot of joy. Rachel, as the only girl in their little family, often needs some time away from the boys, so Dick takes her on walks in the mornings or a drive around the city, shows her his favorite coffee shop which soon becomes their favorite spot. They talk about everything and nothing, because conversations were the thing that brought them so close in the first place, and it just feels good. 

Rachel also loves spending time with him in the tech room - but not like Gar, she's not learning to run it (although she picked up a thing or two) but she's simply there to keep Dick company while he works (can he even call that work if he hasn't been officially working as a detective for quite a while now? Not to mention his resignation has been sent to Detroit the day they arrived in SF). She brings him coffee or snacks, stands behind his chair with her arms around his neck, observing whatever he's doing (and asking lots of questions) or simply sits in the other swiveling chair, drawing in her sketchbook or turning around so many times Dick starts to worry she's gonna get dizzy. He asks her one time if she's not bored sitting here with him but she just shrugs and says she'd rather be here than anywhere else and his heart grows tenfold as he smiles at her

So remember how Rachel lost control and attacked Jason in 2x03? And how Jason shouted "Stay away from me you fucking freak!" right in her face? And how Dick walks in like 3 seconds later asking if everything's okay and the tension is HIGH??? Well, he might have not seen what happened, but he definitely HEARD the full thing, he was within the hearing range. The fact that he didn't attack Jason immediately is really impressive, if this was s1!Dick - Jason would be on the floor right now, probably with a swollen eye and few broken bones. But here Dick is trying to play it smart and investigate. If it wasn't for dr Light he would probably get to the bottom of this and had a conversation with both Jason and Rachel. I'm thinking of writing a one-shot AU where he actually does it (mostly thanks to Gar who is a terrible liar when caught of guard)

When the last cab drives away and the Tower becomes empty, save for him, Gar and that boy in the infirmary, Dick does not leave to meet with Adeline immediately - he goes to Rachel's room and starts scrubbing it clean from all the crosses painted all over the place. His eyes are burning, the bile in his throat is the size of a tennis ball but he doesn't allow himself to cry. At some point Gar joins him and wordlessly starts helping him. It takes them a little over an hour and when it's done they both drop down on her bed, sitting shoulder to shoulder. "She'll be back." Gar tells him. "I'm not so sure." Dick replies, not looking at the boy. Gar puts a hand on his shoulder. "She will. You just wanted to protect us. Deep down she knows that, she's just angry." Dick knows Gar's reasoning is valid, but looking at his own reflection in the broken mirror he can't help but think that in the long run Rachel will be better off without him. They will all be better off without him.

It's not until his first night in prison that Dick starts to regret his decision to cast himself away. He wakes up in the middle of the night with tears in his eyes, his mind still reeling from dreams of Gar and Rachel seven years in the future. They were adults, happy and independent - that's good, right? That's what he always wanted for them. But his tears start to fall when it comes to him, hitting him like a wrecking ball, that spending 7 years behind bars means he won't be able to see them grow up. Something like a panic attack comes next and he is barely able to pull himself out of it. He's suddenly overwhelmed by questions. My kids… will they be okay? Is Kory back at the Tower or is Gar still alone? What is he gonna do when that strange boy wakes up? Was there any food in the fridge when I left? I left Gar some money, but still… God, and Rachel! She has never been on a plane before, what if she gets scared and her powers start acting out? What if she gets night terrors again? Will Donna know what to do? His head is spinning, these thoughts are suffocating him. Only a breathing exercise Bruce had taught him years ago is able to help, but it takes longer than usual. Dick doesn't sleep for the rest of the night.

He's not sure how but when Dick sees a bird in a window of his cell, he knows it's no ordinary bird. It's a raven. It's her. He gets up on his feet despite his knees being weak and wobbly and he smiles, grins like an idiot as he calls out to her. Because it has to be her, right? But all hope leaves him when the creature flies up again with a croak and disappears from his sight, leaving him alone. Dick drops to his knees, feeling more exhausted than ever and curls on the floor, his body shaking from shivers. No one is coming. He brought it on himself. He is forgotten already. But then he hears quiet tapping and something nudges his hand. He opens one eye only to look right into a ruby red one. The bird is here, inside, right in front of his face. It flaps its wings and its feathers turns into dark smoke for a moment. "Rachel…" He breathes out, holding to his last shreds of consciousness. The raven lowers its head, snuggling it to his forehead and before Dick passes out again he hears three words said by this quiet, angelic voice he loves so much: Don't give up.

When they bring Donna back to the Tower and lay her down in the infirmary Dick feels empty and overflowed at the same time. He goes to strip off his new suit and change into something more comfortable but it's a struggle when his hands are shaking so much. He goes back to infirmary and passes by Dawn in the doorway, who walks out of the room with Donna's Wonder Girl belt in hand, not even lifting her eyes up at him. He closes the door and sits down, taking Donna's hand in his but he is able to sit there for only ten minutes before the feeling of her hand growing cold in his makes him want to run away. He makes his way back to his room but takes a step back when he notices two colorful heads in the training room. Gar and Rachel are sitting on one of the benches with their backs to him, talking quietly. Gar is hunched over and Rachel has her arm around him and her head on his shoulder. The sight makes Dick's throat tight. He walks up to them quietly and they only notice him when he's standing in front of them. They simultaneously lift their heads up, showing him their red, swollen from crying eyes and his heart can't take it anymore. He falls to his knees in front of them. "I'm here." he whispers as he takes their hands in his. "I'm right here." he whispers again and his voice breaks. Suddenly two sets of arms are wrapped around him when both Gar and Rachel throw themselves at him, sobbing into his shoulders. He holds them tight, kisses their heads and lets his own tears fall into their hair as he keeps promising them he is not leaving them ever again. 

SEASON 3 HOPES/PREDICTIONS:

First few weeks without Donna and Rachel are absolute torture. Grief is normal, he's been through it before, it's nothing new (maybe more painful and guilt-ridden than he ever experienced). But not having Rachel around and how it impacts him on day-to-day basis after spending every day with her for the past few months is something totally new and unexpected and Dick is pretty sure he's never felt like this before. He's overprotective to the point of being overbearing and Gar points that out to him numerous times. He keeps making her breakfast, forgetting she's not gonna show up in the kitchen when the clock strikes 9 am. He keeps looking into her room like he's expecting to find her there. He constantly checks his phone as if she were able to call from Themyscira, where there's no signal, let alone phones. "Is it what sending your kid out to college feels like?" Hank asks him one evening and Dick almost chokes on his beer. Gar laughs so hard he falls off his chair. 

Rachel does everything she can to not cry in front of Dick when they say goodbye to each other but the moment the plane is in the air, she breaks. It was one of the hardest decisions she ever had to make and seeing Dick so broken definitely didn't help. But she has to at least try to bring Donna back, she wouldn't be able to forgive herself otherwise. So she gets herself together and keeps telling herself to be brave. For Dick. For Donna. For her family.

Gar becomes the center of family's attention and he can't say he doesn't love it. That spot always belonged to Rachel after all, but he was never jealous, nor he resented her for that. She totally deserved it and she can take the spot back when she returns (but he's never gonna let her get away with not saying goodbye to him). He's the 'A-Student' now during training, Dick is putting some extra work to make sure he learns as much as he can. Kory helps him a lot with the trauma CADMUS gave him and works with him on the development of his powers. He tries turning into other animals and after a month of struggling he finally turns into a mouse. Kory walks with him sitting on his shoulder around the whole Tower like the proudest mama in the galaxy and Dick's beaming with pride for the entire week. 

After Dick's off-hand comment that Rachel is missing on so much Gar starts to record vlogs on his phone about what's happening at the Titans Tower so Rachel can watch it and catch up when she's back. The material he gets is pure gold and even when others beg him to delete it, he refuses saying this is too good to be destroyed. 

The day before Rachel's first attempt at resurrection she uses a freshly learned trick to come to Dick in his dream. They meet on the beach she's currently on, meditating. Seeing him for the first time in three months makes her want to cry but she promised herself to be strong so he wouldn't worry and she holds her tears at bay. She falls into his arms with the brightest smile and burrows her face in his chest. He's holding her tight, asking if everything is okay and she nods, not quite trusting her voice at the moment. "I can't keep you here for long, but I needed to see you." she tells him. She's not sharing any details about her plan, the less he knows the better, but he begs her to be careful and stop if it turns out to be too much for her. Dick pulls her to him one last time before she has to serve the connection and presses his lips to her forehead. "I love you." he whispers and she closes her eyes, hugging him tighter. "Come home soon." "I love you, too. And I will."

To find Donna's soul Rachel needs to go to The Underworld, which is a dark, scary place (well, for the most part). The search is difficult and the journey ahead of her is long. On her way she meets other people, souls who sometimes want to help her, sometimes otherwise. She sees Adamson and all the people who were after her, drowning in a river of fire, calling for help. One hand grabs her by the ankle and Rachel looks down right into the hollow eyes of her birth mother. She struggles to set herself free from Angela's hold but eventually the creepy hand lets go of her and Rachel runs away. Not all the meetings are painful though. She gets to see Melisa again - she tells her about Dick and Gar and Kory and everything that happened. "I found him, mom. I found the boy from the circus." she says and they both start to cry. Melisa tells her how proud she is and lets her continue her journey. But the most surprising meeting happens right before the end. Rachel knows their faces only from her dream and the blurry videos she found online. But the resemblance to Dick is undeniable - he has his mother's eyes, his father's hair. Mary Grayson takes her into her arms with tears in her eyes, saying how happy she is to finally meet her. They chat for a while, laugh and cry together like they've known each other their whole lives. "He's so lucky to have you." John tells her. "Tell him we're proud of him." Mary asks her when she is about to leave. "And come back to him in one piece." Rachel nods, holding back tears. "I will, I promise." 

When Rachel arrives at Wayne Manor it's already dark outside. A black car pulls in the driveway. Dick, Kory and Gar are waiting by the main entrance and when the car stops they approach it and Dick opens the door. Rachel is sleeping in the backseat with her head falling on her shoulder and the view is so beautiful and adorable that Dick stops for a moment to just look at her with a dreamy smile on his face. He lifts his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and leans in whispering "welcome back, sweetheart". She smiles without opening her eyes and instantly lifts her arms to wrap them around his neck. They both laugh as he pulls her out the car. She steps away from him for a moment to hug Gar and Kory but sticks herself back to his side immediately after. Gar takes her bag and the car drives away while the 4 of them head towards the door.

She failed (or at least she thinks she failed) and that first night back she cries her eyes out into Dick's chest, apologizing over and over again. "It's okay, honey." he tells her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Remember what I told you back at the airport? No matter how strong we are, we-" "We can't always change the world." she finishes for him and smiles through her tears. "I know. I've had those words in the back of my head every day." They lay in silence for the next few minutes, Dick's hand slowly stroking Rachel's hair. She hesitates a bit but then starts telling him about meeting his parents. He smiles at her through tears. "I'm so proud of you." he whispers. "You've grown so much. You're so strong. Going away was a good decision, it gave you skills and experience you wouldn't have gotten here. But now I'm just glad I have you back. I was worried sick." Rachel smiles into his chest. "I'm not going anywhere again."

As happy as Dick is to have her back, some part of him wishes Rachel stayed longer on Themyscira. Everything that's happening in Gotham is making him consider sending her and Gar away to some place safe and hidden, The Justice League has a lot of those. But his kids are Titans - they both remind him of that. "You didn't train us to hide." she tells him. "We can handle this." Gar adds. And Dick believes them. And he's so proud his heart can barely take it.

Donna's return comes as a shock to everyone - Hank brings her to the Wayne Manor one day, saying they bumped into each other at some restaurant in the city. "How-" Rachel asks with eyes opened wide in disbelief. Donna smiles at her. "I don't know. I got lost, but… I found my way back somehow." Dick slowly walks up to her, his eyes welling up with tears. "But the spell-" "It worked." Donna explains. "It just needed more time." After that he sweeps her into his arms and extends his hand to Rachel to pull her in as well. He holds them both as close as he can, kissing their heads and swears to himself to never lose either of them again.

FUTURE:

Thoughts about adoption appear in Dick's mind more or less when he brings Gar and Rachel to San Francisco, but they are more of an abstract dream than something that could be real. But as the time goes on those thoughts become more and more solidified and are too big to be ignored. He finally decides to talk to someone about it and that someone is Dawn, mostly because they've had this kind of conversation before. "It's a big responsibility - taking her in. But taking care of a kid is complicated, you know that better than anyone." These words stay with him every day, that's why he goes to her. He struggles to say what he wants to say but she understands and hugs him with tears in her eyes saying she knew he'd do it sooner or later and that she couldn't be happier for him. She helps him with paperwork and prepares him for meetings. He breaks the news to the kids the moment everything is ready. They're suspicious of the 'gifts' he hands them since it's neither's birthday today and there's no holiday. They share a curious glance as they rip off the shiny gift paper to reveal two folders of documents (while Dick almost dies from anticipation and nerves). Gar is the first one to react - his lips slowly stretch into the biggest grin imaginable. "For real? Are you serious? This is real stuff?" his voice grows louder and more excited with each following question and Dick can't help but laugh. Rachel stays quiet though. She stares at the papers in her hands with her brows furrowed. Seconds pass and she's not moving. It's like she's not even breathing. "Rachel?" Kory asks quietly, taking a step her way. And then the floodgates open. Rachel's face twists into a grimace as she starts sobbing uncontrollably. She covers her mouth with her hand to muffle it but there's no use. Dick walks up to her, terrified he did something wrong but then she throws herself into his arms, repeating "thank you" and "I love you" over and over again. Dick pulls Gar to him as well and hugs them both. "You're my kids." He whispers to them. "I love you more than anything in the world. And nothing will ever change that." By the time of Rachel's 16th birthday she and Gar are officially Graysons.

Dick and Kory get married the following year. It's a glamorous but small ceremony with reception held at the Wayne Manor. For the months leading to the big day the kids (with the help of the entire team and few other people) prepare something very special - and the idea comes from Uncle Clay. Turns out Clay, as the closest friend of Dick's parents, owns a small storage unit where he keeps some of the stuff from the circus, including personal things - like a box of journals of Mary Grayson, who had been writing them since she was a child. Clay tells Gar and Rachel a story about how Mary used to write poetry which then she turned into songs and sometimes performed them at the circus. He even still has some of her stage outfits. The three of them get the idea that Gar and Rachel should look through tapes with her performances and pick one song to sing together at the wedding - and that's what they do. They find a beautiful ballad where Clay accompanied Mary on the piano (he teaches Gar how to play it) and in secret the team prepares the whole show. The performance happens during the Bride and Groom's first dance. Gar enters the stage in a tuxedo, says a few words and starts playing. Dick and Kory start dancing slowly but stop for a moment when he starts singing the first verse. They have no idea what's coming next. Rachel, in Mary's dress stands in the crowd surrounding the couple. Hank comes to stand behind her and secretly puts a microphone in her hand. She comes in for the second verse of the song and that's when Dick and Kory stop dancing completely, too surprised to move. They watch in absolute awe as Rachel joins her brother on stage and they finish the song together. When Dick realizes he actually remembers this song from his childhood and that the dress Rachel is wearing belonged to his mother he breaks down in tears. After the song is over the kids join their parents on the dancefloor for a bone-crushing group hug (and to help you imagine this even better this is the song I imagine them singing)

The day Rachel and Gar get their college acceptance letters is one of the most stressful days in their lives. They're in the Tower's kitchen, both holding the envelopes in their hands, afraid to open them. "What are you guys waiting for? Open it!" Kory encourages them. They agree to do it on three. Dick holds his breath, gripping tight his wife's hand. The kids read the letters, fully focused. There's a stretching moment of silence, and then… "I got in!" "Me too!" A lot of screaming and laughing and jumping around happens afterwards, but even in the chaos of all of that Dick can feel a burning knot tightening in his stomach.

And I thought sending Rachel to Themyscira was hard, Dick thinks when they drop Gar and Rachel off at college on their first day. Thankfully it's the same college, but it's in Chicago and it's still half a country away from home. He's not sure how many times he checked already if they have everything they need, if they haven't forgotten to pack something, if they are absolutely sure they know their schedule and so on. Kory, standing next to him with her hands on her growing belly, laughs at him fussing over them. Gar and Rachel just smile and nod, seeing how stressed he is. Yes, Dad, we're sure we have everything. Yes, we checked. Of course we'll call. Yes, Dad. Okay, Dad - and so on. At some point they all start laughing at the ridiculousness of it all but suddenly Dick is getting choked up. His two little birds are leaving the nest and he should be handling it better than he does. Seeing him clearlyon the edge of falling apart Gar and Rachel give him a tight hug. "I'm sorry." he says. "I'm just trying to let you go a little. Let you grow up." "It's that hard?" Rachel asks him and he looks at her - tall, beautiful, confident, brave and smart. Perfect. But he also still sees that little kid he met in Detroit. "It can't be that hard." Gar adds and for a moment when Dick looks at him he thinks he's seeing double - the young, handsome and courageous man who is standing in front of him now and that overexcited cheerful kid who joined them on their little road trip. "It's impossible." Dick tells them, pulling them back into another hug. "It's fucking impossible." Soon they have to go or they will be late for their classes and Dick and Kory are left alone on the campus. "They'll be okay." his wife tells him. He has to swallow down a bile in his throat and push back some tears before answering. "I know."

Oh and remember Dick's old silver Porsche? The one he traded for a minivan? Yeah, he got it back (don't ask him how). Rachel owns it now. Graduation present. And don't worry about Gar, he's got his car too. Grandpa Bruce got him his dream ride.

Woah... This turned out WAAAAAAAAAY longer than I thought it would be. If you made it this far (and even if you didn't) I hope you enjoyed.

[talkfantasytome]

Hi! I am not here to ask for you to write something for me, I just need help

I was wondering if you have any advice for people who always start writing something (no matter how small, a one-shot or whatever) and can't finish any of the things they set out to write (Or any other advice you have to give because I'm accepting anything in my desperation)

Thank you in advance :)

Hi Nonnie!

Thank you so much for the ask! I can't tell you what it means to me that you'd come to me for this type of advice! 💕

That's a tricky question! Not going to lie. And it's definitely something I've struggled with and continue to struggle with. Though, I do tend to struggle more with longer, multi-part pieces.

However, there is one main piece of advice I think might be able to help, because it's the one thing I've typically had for almost every piece I've considered finish:

Know what you're building to, and what the general ending will be.

I'm not saying you have to have the ending fully written out first or know the exact specifics, but knowing what you're building to and the story you're trying to tell is a crucial piece of writing. It's what spurs all authors on. We write because these are stories we want or need to tell. If all I ever have is the beginning, then I'm not going to finish the story either, not until I know the ending, and I rarely figure out the ending through writing. It happens sometimes, for sure, because writing is an inspirational act for me - meaning that, through writing, I find inspiration for more writing. But, probably 9-9.5 times out of 10, I know the ending of the story I'm starting to tell.

Even for my original novel idea, I have all three endings sorted out. I didn't want it to be a trilogy, I'll admit (so cliche lol), but that's the story I want to tell. The three endings make sense as three endings. And the endings actually have me going back to my world building, which was the first thing I did, and reconsidering certain pieces, and has me heavily adjusting and reconsidering other certain concepts that are a foundation of the story, because the endings depict fully the true story I want to tell, and that's what I need to build to.

If we don't know the story we're trying to tell, we'll never finish it because it'll never be finished.

The main times I don't know the ending to a piece I'm writing - beyond my CC fic, which we will not talk about 👀 - are when I do a prompt/request from an ask, and then people ask for more and I want to give them more. In those scenarios, I rarely know the full, final ending when I first write, but I do typically know the ending of the specific piece I'm working on.

And, every once in a while I don't know the ending, admittedly, and that also works for me, because I still have the prompt to help me. BUT, if it's something you're really struggling with, then I'd say that this is a key thing to work on. Plot out the story, know where you plan to go. Write a small outline or plan, and definitely start small. Short one-shots might be the best way to go, just to get you to finish something. Then build to the longer pieces.

It doesn't need to be a big outline or anything. I don't always have one, but when I do, sometimes they're SO short, and just enough to tell me where they hell I'm going, so I can remember. For example, for Frozen and Burned, from Nessian Week, this was my "plan":

Maybe stupid, but Nesta has taught Cassian how to play Sims…he comes to her all sad cause his sim caught on fire and died…so she's trying to help him, and accidentally leaves her game unpaused, and her sim ends up freezing to death

One bullet point in my one note, gave the simple summary of the concept, but you can see that I've got the general concept of what's happening, and essentially how it ends.

And I have plenty of plans that end up like that. A few bullets, extra comments, constantly referring to them having sex as "*wags eyebrows*". ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But it helps, and writing the ending down is HUGE. If you're struggling with finishing, write the ending down in your plan as soon as you have it, so you can refer to that. A lot of writers can easily get away from themselves and the story they're writing because they lose track of what they're working toward.

Yes, longer pieces tend to have longer plans, especially if I'm more into it or if I have multiple plot points I want to hit.

I'd also suggest using prompts. Finding them online and writing to one you really like. Maybe one where the prompt you're writing is essentially the ending, like the Lysaedion proposal piece I shared yesterday. So you're given what you're trying to build to, instead of needing to come up with it yourself, if that's something difficult for you.

It's also possibly, in part, a bit of a confidence issue. If you never finish a piece, then you'll never have to try and decide whether or not to post it - because it's not finished. And so you don't have to end up potentially putting your writing out there, which can be a vulnerable feeling, for sure! I was TERRIFIED posting my first few pieces, and often still am a bit nervous, especially if it's a new ship or something different. And then, you never seem to be able to finish something, and so that only makes you lose more confidence.

So just remember that we write for ourselves first and foremost, and we don't have to share our writing. It is not required, and no one can force us to do this. We shouldn't let them. Maybe see if that also helps? Just plan to not share it, for it to be a piece just for you.

Those are my main two pieces of advice. Definitely put yourself in the right mindset for you. For me, the goal of sharing something actually helps me finish it more, but I can easily see it going the other way too. So just do what you need to to get yourself into the right headspace, whatever that might be.

And know what you're building to. If you have an ending, and especially if you're excited for that ending, I think you'll find it far easier to actually finish the piece.

And, one last thing: don't stall yourself on the last sentence. Push through it. If you don't think the piece has truly ended because it doesn't have the right last sentence, that's fine, but write the last sentence. Don't mull over it, trying to make it perfect. Yes, it's great to end on a phenomenal line, but a lighter, closure sentence is fine too. And, if you can't, then fall back on a cliche. Seriously, just end with "And they lived happily ever after" if you need to. Anything to finish the piece. You can always adjust the last line later. But I think actually finishing a piece, and saying to yourself and knowing it's done, will open up your eyes so much and be as much help as any of this advice can be, because you'll have done it! And if you've done it once, you can totally do it again. 😄

[osamusriceballs]

Omigosh Eve-chan HEYYYY. I saw you were taking requests for Atsumu, so uhhh— maybe I could request one? :D you don't have to write it!! just a suggestion.

But I've been really into those somewhat steamy (but not yet?? Nsfw) fics where the reader accidentally exposes herself, or he might walk in on her changing and get all flirty while she's suuuper flustered?? Something like that? XD

SORRY >////< idk why but I've been craving some scandalous Atsumu content 😭😭

BTW;! I really miss you, and i hope you've been well. Here's Osamu advising you to take care of yourself 👉👈

—Ari 🦄💖

AIHIOHSIHD, ARI-CHAN OMG- 😭😭

I DID NOT EXPECT THIS, I'M SCREAMING HERE OMG-

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME GAHAJSOSOS, WARN ME NEXT TIME AHHHH- 😫😫

This is so adorable, I don't even know what to say - I LOVE IT SO SO MUCH!!! <3 It's absolutely perfect!! 🥺💖

"lil onigiri"- please pick me up at the hospital after I recovered from this.

Btw, I still have the picture you drew on Christmas as my screensaver 🥺 my heart flutters everytime I see it, you are so incredibly talented 🥺🥺💖

I missed you too, Ari!! I hope you've been doing well, I'm slowly catching up with everything that happened while I was busy with Uni, so tell me what I missed!! <3

AND AHHH- I'm glad that I'm not the only one craving Atsumu content rn! YES, FLIRTY ATSUMU AHHH- okay, okay, I am inspired! Say no more! It will be a bit short, but still: made with love, just for you~!

_________________

"DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO KNOCK?!" you yell, desperately trying to cover your body with the shirt you just pulled over your head.

You were just about to change after a drink got spilled on you on you, when someone suddenly entered the bathroom. You turn around- and freeze when you see who was in the room with you.

None other than Atsumu Miya himself- the famous volleyball player, and also: the man, who gives you butterflies in your stomach every time you see him. Oh my god, no-

"Do ya not know how to close the door? There's a key right here, see?" he closes the door and turns the key in the lock- while you still stand there almost naked. He turns to you, his gaze dark, and his eyes hooded while his eyes linger on your body.

"No need to be shy." he smirks while looking down on you again.

He looks hot, with his lips slightly parted while he runs his hand through his messy hair-

"W-why did you lock the door? Just- look away already!" your cheeks turn hot at his intense gaze, and wildly gesture him to turn away while you avoid eye contact. The tension between you is so thick that you could cut it with a knife- but he still doesn't make an attempt to leave.

Instead, he comes closer.

"How could I look away at that sight?" He stops right in front of you, his chest almost touching yours. "Let me help ya with that." he nods to the clean shirt in your fingers, that hides your chest and places his hands on yours. Your heart beats so fast that he can probably hear it- but is this really happening? Is Atsumu Miya flirting with you right now?? Please don't stop-

You bite your lips and finally look up to him, only to see that his attractive face came even closer. Your lips are almost touching, you can even feel his hot breath on your cheek. Your fingers involuntarily let go of the shirt, and he takes it into his hands- before he throws it away without hesitation.

"Wha-"

"I helped ya with the shirt- now help me with mine." He takes your hands and places them at the hem of his shirt. You gulp hard when your knuckles brush against the hard muscles of his abdomen. How much you want to see whats underneath...

Your hands are slightly shaking while you pull on his shirt, and he helps you lifting it over his head with a low chuckle. His bare chest, and his defined and muscular body omg-

"So... mind if I...?" his face comes closer, his lips hovering over yours, the smirk not even fading for a second.

"Y-yes," you breathe before he grabs your waist smashes his lips passionately against yours.