#i've lost count of the no. of times in the past 1-2 days i've seen people talking about their posts not showing up in tags

[ruanbaijie]

hey @staff here’s a suggestion: fix the tags instead of the post editor

[kingkat12]

hickeys (roman godfrey x reader)

WARNINGS: 18+, mentions of sex, softcore-y smut, tw!bullying, Roman using his powers for no good, he's being so weird about virgin!reader, angsty fluff lol

summary: after having sacrificed your friendship with Letha for Roman's limited understanding of love and affection, you suddenly learn the consequences of your actions...

word count: 7,406 (you know me, not sorry anymore)

a/n: this is part 4 of my series seven minutes in heaven! click here to read; part 1, part 2, part 3! enjoy!!!<33

Roman had a hickey right on the side of his throat. Thankfully, I knew who gave him that one-- me.

It dawned on me that I had never seen him with one before. Despite how easy it was for me to get lost in the feelings of joy, finding a sense of pride at being the only one allowed to do that to him, I remembered Roman hadn't always been open to these sorts of things. He had warmed up to it gradually, with everything starting as a small incident at my place a week ago.

We had been splayed out on my bed, my face buried in his chest as I took a casual mid-day nap on top of him. It had become a habit-- Roman would come over, we'd bicker about something, then make out for about an hour until he decided to take his smoke break on my balcony. But today was different; the both of us had just finished a rather hard math test, so we were absolutely spent by the time we hit my bed. Roman didn't even have the energy to smoke, and seeing how tired he was, I decided to be bold and cuddle up to him; however, I hadn't expected us to fall asleep like this.

Weirdly enough, he didn't resist my advances. He'd usually start feeling uncomfortable as he wasn't used to affection like this, but today, Roman had his arms around me as I laid with my head on top of his chest. I had been a little embarrassed to wake up to the sight of a tiny puddle of my drool on his sweater, and I tapped the spot with my fingers as though that would make it go away.

Roman awoke, groggy. He let out a low grunt as he raised his head, trying to get a look at what I was doing. "Is that what I think it is?--"

"No," My words barely came out louder than a whisper, now covering the spot with my palm as I looked up at him with a soft smile. "Did you sleep well?"

Roman, being the stubborn asshole he was, didn't even register my question. "Did you drool on me?"

Oh God, this was mortifying. I figured he'd find out anyway; I slowly removed my hand from the spot, sliding off him. "Sorry..." As I rolled over, my back against the bed, I could only sigh. Being Roman's unofficial official girlfriend was hard, especially now that I didn't have any friends to discuss it with. 

However, there were moments where the hardships were worth it. Moments like these ones, where Roman now flipped over and unexpectedly snuggled up to me, his face hiding in the crook of my neck. "I've never been drooled on like that before," he said, his words muffled in my hair. "This is my favourite sweater."

With wary movements, I brought one hand up to his brown locks, gently stroking through them. I wasn't sure what the next sound from Roman was, but the closest thing would be a purr. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, my other hand running up and down his broad back. "Want me to buy you a new one?"

Roman huffed; "Don't be stupid. I'll just leave it in the washer here if you don't mind," 

"The washer?" My hands froze, no longer ghosting over his skin with gentle touches. "It will dry up in a second, Roman, get yourself together. And even worse, I might get the urge to wear it if you leave it here." I immediately regretted that joke the second it slipped past my lips-- in hopes of brushing over it, scared he'd climb off me and go back to being his usual self, I resumed running my fingers through his hair and up his back.

To my surprise, Roman didn't react much. The only thing I could notice was a rather shaky breath against my neck, almost as though he had just had a really tempting thought. Eventually, he spoke; "It wouldn't fit you very well,"

I did my best to shrug, although that was hard to do with someone on top of me. "That's not the premise," I huffed. "People usually wear each others' stuff when they're into one another. It's a cute thing."

"... So you'd want me to leave my sweater here?" Roman eventually propped himself up on his elbows, meeting my gaze. "Why? It's not like you'd be able to wear it anywhere."

It was in moments like these that I realized how little Roman actually knew about girls. He was supposedly very good in bed, but with feelings and affection? He was like a very aggressive puppy with gorgeous fur-- some men you simply have to train to be soft. "I'd wear it at home," I said, reaching out to brush his messed up hair away from his green eyes. "Especially when it's stormy outside and I'm doing my homework."

Something about my words seemed to be leaving small cracks in Roman's shell-- had I not been so observant, I wouldn't have noticed the way his pupils dilated or the way his features softened as he looked at me. "Would it be a one-way thing?" he asked; was I imagining things, or did he sound shy? "You get my sweater, and I get..."  Roman propped himself up further, taking a quick glance around my room. It didn't take long before his eyes landed on the plain, black hair ties on my nightstand, and he wasted no time reaching for two in one go. "I get these."

Seeing him so serious about this exchange was too funny-- I couldn't help the giggle building in my chest, suppressing a rather obnoxious laugh. "Yeah, I think that's smart," I murmured, stroking my thumb over his cheek. "Your hair is getting a little long... Would probably make your life easier."

Roman rolled his eyes, huffing. "It's not exactly like you have anything else lying around here!"

There was no way in hell I was about to tell him that my room was this clean because I had predicted he'd come over. "Okay, but it still works," I reached for his hand, taking the ties into my palm before rolling them over his fingers, watching as the rubber bands now sat comfortably at his wrist. "There you go!" I exclaimed, beaming up at a rather perplexed Roman. "Sweater, please."

It took a few seconds for him to react-- his eyes fixated on the black rubber ties around his wrist, and before I knew it, I saw slivers of pink appearing on his cheeks. I had never seen him react to anything like this before, and I had no idea why Roman was suddenly unmistakably blushing. "Fuck," he breathed. "That's cute." 

To hide his blush, he quickly wried his sweater off his body, throwing it away on a chair nearby before burying his face in the crook of my neck again, putting his whole weight back on me. "Promise to use it for dirty stuff too," he grumbled, probably to save face, before pressing a kiss to my neck. 

I was happy Roman didn't see how brightly I was smiling-- I would've been told off immediately, and he'd most likely retract right back into his shell. It was unusual for him to accept any sort of affection, and I wondered whether he had let anyone this close before. The more I got to know Roman, the more he was sleepy and babbling around me, I realized that I had to gradually ease physical kindness into his life to make our weird whatever-ship work. 

The whatever-ship I had sacrificed everything for.

And I would've spiraled deeper into thoughts about it, but the sudden pressure I felt against my neck made me snap out of it-- I realized he was giving me a rather hefty hickey, a familiar tingling sensation coursing its way through my body. I let out a satisfied sigh, my fingers burying themselves deeper into Roman's hair as he moved elsewhere on my neck to make a second one. "These will go well with the sweater," he purred against my skin.

I held back a shiver-- The hate I had once felt for him had quickly turned into whatever this was. All I knew, was that it felt good enough to distract me from the guilt that kept gnawing at me after betraying Letha the way I did. ｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

The next day at school actually marked a month since the last time Letha and I had spoken on the bleachers. A month of staring at her longingly from afar like a kicked puppy and asking our mutual friends how she was. It didn't take long before they all heard what had happened between Roman and I, and they suddenly became Letha's friends only.

I didn't know how lonely I would be after I chose Roman, and it was slowly breaking my heart. Being blacklisted by nearly all the girls at school was tough, to say the least. 

So as I rummaged around my locker, getting ready for my next class, I didn't expect Letha to approach. There was no way I could imagine she'd do that, especially after the way she had been denying all my attempts of reconciliation. But here she was, blonde hair styled to perfection, and her green, stern eyes meeting mine the second I closed my locker door.

I stared right back, at a loss for words despite opening my mouth to speak. 

Letha cleared her throat, pressing her books tightly against her chest. "It's been a month," she tried, something about her softening with the weight of her words. "I think I might be ready to... talk."

My heart jumped up like never before, immediately thrown into a feeling of ecstatic victory. "What?" I squeaked, unable to stop my beaming look of joy. "Are you serious?" 

Letha shrugged, biting the inside of her cheek to suppress her smile. "I think it's time to try, at least?--" Her words came to a halt the second I turned to face her fully, and her green eyes immediately found my neck. 

My hair had moved to behind my shoulders as I turned around, revealing the hickeys I had tried my best to cover with setting powder and foundation. It didn't take long before Letha's softening look became one of horror as she took a step back, clearly repulsed.

I immediately went into panic, piecing it together. "No, Letha, wait!--"

There was no stopping Letha before she turned on her heel, bolting down the corridor with heavy steps. 

I turned back towards my locker, pressing my forehead against it. There was no way in hell I'd let everyone see me cry in public again. It felt as though Letha had dug her hand into my chest and ripped out my heart, now squeezing it until it finally popped. My breath hitched as I stepped away from the locker, sniffling as I felt a sob build.

Just as I was about to leave and get to class somehow, the familiar scent of cinnamon entered my system. "What did Letha want?" Roman asked, his hands tucked into his pockets as he approached. His brows were drawn together in a disapproving look as he watched Letha disappear down the hallway in unmatched hurry, and I got a good glance at him when I finally turned around to face him. How long had he been watching me from afar?

Roman's glare quickly faded away when his attention shifted and he noticed the way my eyes had glossed over. His whole tough look disappeared within a sliver of a second, and I was unsure whether he noticed it himself. "... Nothing good, I see?"

I shied away from his gaze, my eyes darting down to my shoes. "She wanted to make up all until she saw... well," To demonstrate, I turned a little, showing Roman the once blank canvas which was now covered in about six hickeys that I counted last night. It was clear to me that my attempt at hiding them had failed.

Roman could only sigh, an infuriating grin now spreading across his face. "I'm going to say sorry now, but know that I don't fully mean it because... the sight of you like this is so damn hot," He leaned down, pressing his lips against my forehead as he took my face into his hands. I couldn't help but notice that he was still wearing my two black rubber bands just as my breath hitched at the loving gesture.

Something about the kiss made my heart skip, but another part was ripping at me; Roman clearly cared more about the fact that he had marked me than how upset I was. I hummed in response, not knowing what else to say before much later; "Don't do that,"

"Do what?"

"Don't kiss me like that," I mumbled, pressing my back against my locker to make as much space between us as possible. "Just... Don't." 

Roman's first reaction was on display with a stunned expression, up until his brows drew together in what I could only read as annoyance. "Fine," he said, teeth gritted. His hands fell down at his sides, trying to save face as he took a step away from me; "I'm just trying to make you feel a little better, it's not that fucking deep." In true Godfrey fashion, he also proceeded to storm down the hallway, clearly flustered after being shut down.

I had to take a long breath-- this was a lot to take in for one day. Roman being in denial about his feelings also didn't help much. I wanted to run after him, grab his hand and tell him that he could do absolutely whatever he wanted with me, that I'd love for him to kiss me like that once more, but I knew I couldn't.

It was hard to believe how badly I had fallen for a guy who could barely regulate his own feelings. Someone who insisted on making it apparent to everyone that I was his without actually wanting to put a name to it. I let out a sigh, watching Roman get further and further away. Something told me I maybe should've followed him, at least asked him whether he wanted to come to my place later and sleep next to each other, but my plans quickly fell apart when I witnessed the one thing I hated seeing most in the world.

In the midst of his angry storm-off, Roman managed to turn his head to allow for his eyes to follow a girl with an exceptionally short skirt passing him by. 

I wanted to throw up-- the hungry look in his eyes made me nauseous. Everything about Roman looking at someone in the way he usually looked at me made me want to burst into tears all over again. 

No matter what I felt for him, one thing would never change; I hated Roman Godfrey. I hated him and the way he made me feel like a stomped bug. Hated the way he'd look at me after he'd make me cum around his fingers, the way he'd stroke my hair away from my forehead with the gentlest touch as I fell asleep, and the way he'd insist on driving me everywhere just to spend some extra time together.

I hated him. I hated this feeling, and especially what it had done to me, my friendships, and my reputation.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

... Thoughts of my reputation went out the window now that Roman was back in my bed. Nothing suggestive, of course-- he was currently half asleep next to me. Even more heartwarming, was the fact that he still wore my two hair ties around his wrist, and I could get a proper look at him now that he was resting. I loved this feeling; we were both wearing the items we had exchanged.

"It looks good on you," he mumbled, tugging me closer with the arm he had around me. "My sweater. I thought I would hate seeing you in it, but it's not so bad."

My body was halfway on top of his, and I couldn't help but giggle as he pressed me closer to his chest. "Why did you think you'd hate it?" I adored the feeling of being completely engulfed in Roman-- the lingering scent of his perfume stuck to the gigantic sweater I was in, and his big arms around me made all my pain feel worth it. 

All up until Roman hummed, eyes still closed as his hands raked through my hair; "You wearing my stuff makes it real... Like you're mine. I don't know whether I want that responsibility,"

I could only sigh, unsure whether I should let my heart sink just yet. Sometimes, it was best to dig around in Roman's mud of a brain before settling for the version he wanted me to believe. "So you would be okay if I was with someone else?"

Roman opened one eye, glancing down at me as he raised a brow. "Are you with someone else?"

"... No,"

"Would you want to be?"

What an odd question; one he didn't need to know the truth of. "Would you care if I did?"

Roman opened his second eye, now scouring my face to check for cracks in my facade. Something told me he wasn't buying it, but that he wasn't about to take any chances. Eventually, he scoffed, rolling his eyes before closing them again; "Fuck off,"

"Fuck off yourself," I mumbled, burying my face in the crook of his neck. I tried to dull out the fact that his arm automatically wrapped itself tighter around me before I spoke once more; "Answer the question."

"Why?" Roman shifted, pulling my whole body on top of his, letting out a satisfied sigh now that all of my weight was laid on him. "It's a stupid question. Why can't we just enjoy this moment?"

He had a point, sure-- I just didn't deem it enough. "I hope you remember that I have a lot on the line here," I placed my hands next to his head, pushing myself up to get a proper look at him. Roman eventually opened his big, green eyes, and they quickly rounded out as they met mine. Everything about looking into his eyes made me want to squeal and pepper him with kisses; this was dangerous territory. I knew had to pull myself together; "I have, like... zero friends because of this. Because I chose you. And you not wanting to take on that responsibility or whatever it was that you called it, makes me feel like crap. You make me feel like crap." 

It was clear that Roman was holding his breath without thinking about it. He stared up at me, unsure what to say; "... All the time?"

"What?"

"Do I make you feel like crap all the time?"

That was certainly a way to spin it-- taken aback, I furrowed my brows as I pondered the question. "Not... all the time, no,"

Roman hummed; he seemed content with that answer. "I know you're upset about the whole Letha thing," he said, his big hands traveling down to grab at my hips as he shifted me to sit in his lap. "I also see that I'm not exactly helping the situation, but... you can't keep blaming me for your decision."

"... Okay," His request was simple enough-- I was ready to adhere to his wishes. "But then you have to say it out loud."

"Say what?"

"That you like me,"

I watched as Roman's eyes widened, his grip on my hips tightening. His whole body tensed up, unsure whether to speak or not. It was clear that he was conflicted about how to tread forward, and I held my breath the second his plush lips parted. Roman sat up, his back now supported by my headboard. Like this, I was sat in his lap with my arms draped around his neck, and he connected our foreheads with a sigh. Roman's words eventually came out like a slow, warm whisper; "I don't know what I feel," 

It felt as though my heart had lodged itself into my throat-- what? I was about to start arguing with him, cursing him out for dragging me through the mud for nothing, all until Roman suddenly reached for my hand. He placed my palm over his heart, his eyes finding mine as he steadied his breathing. "I don't know what I feel," he echoed. "But I know that looking at you makes my heart beat faster. Feel how hard it's going?" He pressed my hand further up against his chest, something about his touch giving away the sincere nature of this gesture. I hadn't seen Roman doing anything this romantic before, and everything was practically perfect all up until he opened his dumb teenage mouth; "I'm serious. It usually only beats like this when I look at pictures of Sydney Sweeney in a swimsuit."

That's it-- I groaned and ripped my hand out of his grip. "Okay, that's enough. You need to leave, it's almost midnight," In an attempt to climb off him, I almost made it out of his lap before his hands grabbed my hips once more, forcing me back down as I yelped. My eyes widened as they met Roman's, watching his signature smirk spread across his lips. 

"Where do you think you're going in my sweater?" he purred, suppressing a chuckle. "My sweater, my rules. Give me a kiss before I leave, at least."

I huffed as I snaked my arms around his neck, feeling his hot breath against my lips. "And why should I kiss you?"

"Because you want to?" Roman didn't care to try to suppress his grin, gently nudging my nose with his as his grip on my waist tightened. His voice dropped, getting airy as he whispered against my lips; "You want to so bad."

Everything about him made the butterflies in my stomach flutter-- it didn't help that his hair was tousled in a classic heartbreaker look, along with how ridiculously soft his lips suddenly looked. 

Roman definitely noticed the reddening of my cheeks, concluding why I had gone mute. "Don't be like that," he teased, not doing a good job with hiding his amusement. "Just kiss me first, for once. Have you noticed that you never initiate anything?"

I held my breath-- "I just... don't know what I'm doing," My confession was unexpected, but it felt nice to get it off my chest. "I don't want you to think I'm clueless."

"But you are?" Roman's chuckle was one of mischief as his hands shamelessly trailed down my body, now grabbing my ass as he pushed me closer to him. "It's not a bad thing. Just means I can program you to my liking."

I didn't even act as though I wanted his hands off of me, giving in to his antics. Something about the way he was holding me made me feel awfully warm-- maybe it was time to take off the sweater? "Tell me what you like, then," I purred, putting my hands on his chest. I figured that if I had gone down this route, I'd continue my path with conviction. 

Roman's smirk only grew, letting out a breathy laugh against my lips as he gave my ass a firm squeeze. "That's my girl," he cooed. "We'll start simple." He nudged his nose against mine once more, his lips parting before his words came out in a hot whisper against mine; "Kiss me."

His words were too alluring to deny-- I leaned forward, my hands carefully laying against his broad shoulder as I kissed him. A sigh of satisfaction escaped Roman, who immediately dug his hands into the flesh of my behind to tug me closer. Everything about the way he was reacting to me reminded me of our first date, and the way he had held and kissed me in the alley when we were hiding from Letha. 

The kiss was slow, almost lazy; something about the moonlight hitting us was making it more intense. It mostly consisted of small, loving pecks, and many pauses to simply smile against one another. I wondered whether he had ever kissed anyone like this before, with a softness I didn't see in him very often. 

It was hard to believe that this was the same guy that had me running around scared for him to prick me with needles. The only thing pricking me right now was the hardening of Roman's cock beneath me. With every twitch, every time his hands dug into my hips in an attempt to grind me against him, I could only grin into the kiss. There wasn't exactly anything sexual about this kiss, but he would always get hard from the smallest little things-- I couldn't help but find pride in it. At least this was another confirmation that he wanted me.

Roman eventually grew frustrated, now trying to rut up against me just for any sort of friction. With that, I grabbed the headboard, raising myself with my knees so that he wouldn't succeed. As he groaned, I had to bite down on my growing smile; the look on his gorgeous face was too damn thrilling.

Roman's eyes were round, his chest sinking with a shaky exhale as a rosy flush lingered in his cheeks. "Anything," he breathed. "Just give me anything. I'll take it."

"Anything?" I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at; "What do you mean?"

His hands grabbed at my waist, signalizing that he wanted me to sit down on his arousal once more-- perhaps that felt like a relief in itself? Roman stared up at me through his brows, his fingers digging into my flesh. "I'm not asking you for sex. I'm being nice. So I'm saying I'll take anything you'll give me... Even the smallest thing," He leaned forward, pressing a wet kiss against my neck which had me losing my breath within seconds, now whispering against my skin; "Just touch me." Roman's needy kisses trailed up my neck, jaw, and cheeks until his breath was hot against my ear. "However you want. Don't be shy, try it out."

Something told me that Roman was secretly into me being a virgin, after all this time of making fun of me for it. However, I wasn't about to say no to the opportunity to explore with the Roman Godfrey, and I eventually sat back down on his arousal, my cheeks flushing a deeper shade of red at the sound of his muffled grunt. 

My hands went up into his soft hair, pressing a kiss against his temple as my fingers stroked through his locks. "There's one thing I might want to try..."

Roman turned to nip at my jaw, his hands traveling back down to my ass. "Go for it,"

I didn't want to give him time to change his mind; my hand in his hair tightened, pulling him away from me with an unexpected roughness. I was about to apologize until I noticed the way Roman closed his eyes, and the way his lips parted in what looked like pleasure. It suddenly dawned on me that he might be the type to like a little pain, not only cause it. However, I wasn't ready to explore that at the moment-- I had another thought to attend to. 

Roman's head lolled back against the headboard as I leaned down to kiss his neck, and it was clear to me that he was enjoying himself. It was only when his fingers dug themselves back into the flesh of my behind that I got the confidence to pull through with my original plan; I sucked down on a particular spot, hard enough to leave a mark.

I didn't need to see his face to know that Roman's eyes were wide open with the realization of what was happening. I was ready for him to push me away, tell me off, tell me to stop-- but his arms only wrapped around me, pulling me closer in a swift motion that had me grinding up against his hard cock, and Roman let out a sigh of pleasure as he let himself be marked with a blooming hickey. 

Something told me I had to be somewhat special for him to allow me to do such a thing, and it quickly dawned on me that I had never felt this happy with anyone before, despite his shortcomings. 

I liked Roman more than I had ever liked anyone before, and I had an inkling that he felt the same. Who knew something so simple could feel so incredibly good?

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

Knowing I had Roman wrapped around my finger, despite him not being able to properly say it out loud, had me floating around in my own little bubble. Everything concerning Letha suddenly felt irrelevant, and it wasn't taking up as much space in my mind as before. All I could think about was the way Roman had smiled at me as he passed me in the hall, the red hickey on the side of his neck peeking out past his shirt. The cherry on top of it were the two hair ties he still wore around his wrist-- he was enjoying this, wasn't he?

However, I was yanked back into the absolute shitshow I had caused for myself concerning my girlfriends later that same day.

My previous friends had never done anything more than glare at me from across the hall. Maybe the occasional overdramatic huff when they passed me, an extra eye-roll my way, and so I did my best to not pay it any mind. 

Which is why I was so shocked when the proceeding followed. 

It didn't bother me to sit alone at lunch-- not anymore, at least. I wasn't about to reach out to Roman to ask where he was and whether I could join him either; but just as I picked up my phone, ready put away my nerves and text him, my gaze was diverted from the screen and to the three girls that sat down in front of me.

I held my breath, my eyes widening with the realization that my previous best friends were staring at me with the nastiest looks I had probably ever seen.

Oh no.

Breathing deeply, I did my best to harden my gaze and keep my guard up. "What do you want, Jasmine?" I asked, putting my phone down on the table as I stared down the girl in the middle. Jasmine was the one I had liked the least in our friend group, and I wasn't surprised that she was the one to take action-- the rest of the girls always followed her like dogs, and it had always made me sick; especially now that they were sititng by her like docile animals.

Jasmine cleared her throat, leaning further over the table in an attempt to intimidate me; "We're just here to make you aware of something,"

"Which is...?"

Taken aback by my lack of reaction, Jasmine's eye twitched just slightly as the girls next to her grew more and more uncomfortable. "Letha told me what she saw on your neck this morning. And sitting this close to you, I see it too... Do you not understand how it makes you look?"

There was no way for me to hold back my sarcasm; "How does it make me look? Do indulge, Jas," I couldn't even hold back my grimace at this point. "Why does it even matter to you?"

Jasmine's eye twitched once more, and she slammed her hands against the table with a loud thud. "What upsets Letha, upsets me! I'm just glad I found out what kind of person you truly are, and it brings me immense joy to realize everyone is starting to catch on to the truth as well!"

Despite how hard I attempted to stay neutral, unaffected, and unfazed, I couldn't do anything about the way my heart sunk. I couldn't even muster up anything to counter Jasmine's words, taken aback by the bluntness of my previous friend.

"Letha really wanted to reconcile, do you know that?" Jasmine continued, an evil snicker building in her throat. "But it's fucking disgusting that you walk around like you're proud to be fucking Roman Godfrey, especially when you know how much you've hurt her. Fucking traitor!"

Before I could protest, she reached for my phone which I had left unattended. There was barely any time to pry it out of Jasmine's hands before she stood up and smashed it into the table, the rest of her posse scurrying away from the table before the pieces of glass could hit them. I didn't have to look to know that the whole cafeteria was watching this scene play out; it was only when I heard gasps coming from around us that I truly realized the extent of what had happened.

As the glass from my phone had bounced off the table, the sharp pieces flying in every direction, I had covered my face with my hands. So, when I slowly pried them away from my eyes, turning them around to identify where the stinging of my skin was coming from, my eyes fell on the three pieces of glass lodged into the back of my hands. It wasn't too deep, not enough to scar or cause real damage, but damn-- it burned like crazy. 

With tears in my eyes, I watched as Jasmine snickered, clearly unaffected by the fact that she had caused me physical harm; "We're ready to make your life a living hell," she hissed. "That'll show you. Fucking whore."

Something inside me broke. Usually, I would've fought back, I would've said something-- but I froze. Completely. I had never felt anything like this, the mix of both physical and mental pain turning me to stone.

Fuck. Was this truly how everyone saw me? Nothing more than one of Roman's countless whores?

I knew this would haunt me for the following weeks to come, and I couldn't fight the way my mind shut down. The need to get away overcame me; with shaky steps, I got up from my table, realizing I was about to leave school despite the day not being finished. 

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

I had avoided Roman like the plague for the rest of the day-- I was almost as broken as my phone. I held the pieces in my hands under the dim lights of my desk in my room, nudging the glass around on the table. My phone had completely shattered, now just a heap of technology I held onto for the sake of nostalgia in a deep state of shock.

I kept glancing at my hands, my fingers ghosting over the three thin cuts that had parted my skin. They were thankfully not that grotesque to look at, and I was quite sure I could play it off as a scratch from a particularly large cat if anyone asked. 

Or... so I hoped. 

I wondered whether Letha knew about what had happened. Did she condone it? Had she been the one who ordered Jasmine and her gang to mess with me? Everything about this situation made my head spin-- Choosing Roman might've been the wrong decision. I kept thinking about an alternative universe in which I had never asked him to kiss me in the first place, or one where I had told Letha about my feelings for her cousin before it was too late.

It dawned on me that I had mostly likely made the wrong choice-- how was I supposed to deal with this?

Just as I was about to toss the remnants of my phone into the nearby bin, I heard a few knocks at my window which made me turn towards the sound. There he was, the last rays of today's sunlight making the bronze hues in his hair shine through; Roman tapped against the glass once more, eyes round with an emotion I couldn't piece together from afar.

I walked towards the window and opened it, leaning against the frame as I spoke; "What are you doing here?" My tone was sharper than expected-- seeing him didn't exactly make me feel any better.

"You haven't answered my messages," Roman didn't seem to be in a hurry about getting off my roof, making himself comfortable by sitting down by the window. "All day. Radio silence. I'm not really used to that from you, so... just checking to see whether you're having a stroke or something."

I did my best not to roll my eyes; "A stroke?"

"I don't know?" Roman shrugged, his green eyes never leaving mine. "What other explanation is there for a girl not answering me?"

I grimaced as I watched his expression. It was impossible to push down the intense feelings of frustration when I looked at him, all my love for him manifesting back to its usual hate-- I wouldn't have been in this situation if I hadn't met him. This was technically just as much his fault as mine. 

Why did he look so confused? It suddenly hit me that he was being dead serious; he didn't get it at all. He genuinely couldn't find another reason for my absence. "Oh," was what I managed to say, clearing my throat as I sat down on the window sill. "Have you not heard?" 

Roman blinked twice, clearly lost as he looked up at me. "Heard what?"

My eyes darted down to my hands, which I had covered with the sleeves of Roman's sweater without even thinking about it. "I thought everyone would be talking about it," I mumbled. "I guess that's a relief, then."

"What are you talking about?" The green of his eyes nearly swallowed me, and I found a tiny trace of genuine concern behind them, so miniscule I could barely notice it. "What happened?"

I wanted to disappear into a heap of nothing; it was so embarrassing that I had let this happen. My pride was definitely trying to choke the life out of me. "My phone broke," I breathed, automatically reaching for the hem of the sweatshirt out of nervous habit-- I felt my cheeks flush, nervous to be revisiting the moment that had haunted me all day.

Roman's brows furrowed, unsure how to react; "You made it sound like something really bad had happened. I could buy you a new one, no problem," He watched me pick at the sweatshirt, now reaching out for my hands to stop my destructive fidgeting.

I let out the breath I had been holding the second our fingers intertwined, feeling the roughness of his hands against mine. My eyes rested on the black hair ties he still wore around his wrist, a blooming warmth igniting in my chest and wading through all my anger. I was so swept up in the moment, comforted by the way he squeezed my hands twice, that I didn't catch the moment the sleeves of the sweater bunched up and revealed the cuts on the back of my hands. "You don't need to buy me a new phone, don't be ridiculous," I said, watching a single strand of his brown hair slowly fall over his eyes as he glanced down. "I'd feel bad--"

"What's this?" Roman's grip around my hands tightened, now bringing them up to his face. 

It felt as though my breath had gotten lodged in my throat as I watched Roman's widening green eyes scan the surface of my hands. His brows drew together once more, thumbs swiping over the unhealed wounds. The touch made me hiss, attempting to get out of his grip, but to no avail. "It's the neighbour's cat," I tried. "I bent down to pet it, and--"

"This is not from a cat," Roman's gaze darted up to meet mine, suddenly a lot more intense than usual. "I'll ask you again, what happened?"

I tried to squirm out of his hold once more; "It's not important, Roman... Forget it, please. Actually, I'm going to have to ask you to leave--"

"Tell me,"

"No, seriously, drop it! Can't you just go?!--"

Roman's grip around my hands tightened further, almost to the point of making me wince. "Tell me," His pupils widened at an eerie rate, transfixed on mine. It felt as though his words were echoing through my head, and it didn't take long before I suddenly felt as though my inner monologue froze over.

And before I knew it, my mouth had a mind of its own; "They broke my phone,"

"Who?"

I really, really tried to fight it. Getting Roman involved in this drama was certainly not ideal, and I did my best to push away the urge to tell him; why was it so strong, all of a sudden? It almost felt as though he was controlling my mind, but it was ridiculous to even think so-- that was obviously impossible. Right? 

I eventually got around to answering; "Jasmine," 

"... Who?" Roman was beginning to sound like a really confused owl.

"Jasmine," I echoed. "Letha's friend. She brought a few girls over to my table and smashed my phone. Called me a whore."

Roman was silent for a few seconds, his face going unnaturally blank. "These cuts are from your phone?"

"Yeah,"

"And she did it because you're with me?"

"... Yeah," Did he just insinuate that we were together? I held my breath, unsure why my mouth wasn't adhering to my orders-- I so desperately wanted to point it out, but I physically couldn't. What on earth was happening?

Roman hummed, his grip around my hands loosening. "What else did she say?"

I blinked several times in an attempt to get out of the trance-like state I found myself in, but nothing seemed to be working as long as Roman's gaze was locked on me. "She said she's gonna make my life a living hell," As I sniffled, I realized tears were pooling in my eyes. I squeezed them shut, shaking my head to try to snap out of it once more. "I- It's fine, though." It dawned on me that the trick was to not look at him-- I finally started feeling like myself again. "I just need to talk to Letha and check out the options for a truce, or whatever."

As I dared to open my eyes, I watched his blank face. Something about the lack of reaction was unsettling, on the border of uncomfortable, and it almost made me want to squirm. It was in this silence that a thick, red drop of blood suddenly made its way down Roman's nose, and he didn't react when it met his lips. It was almost as though he had frozen to his place on my roof, and I couldn't remember the last time he had blinked.

My eyes widened, concern filling my body. "You're bleeding," I breathed, trying to get my hands out of his. "Let me get something for you, Roman, it's gonna run down to your shirt!--"

Abruptly, he got up with a quickness I hadn't seen in him before, still not saying a word. Suddenly, I couldn't help but notice it-- the hickey on the right side of his throat. One he wasn't even trying to cover up. Despite how much Roman kept denying wanting to be with me, here he was, getting up to do God knows what whilst quite literally baring my mark on his skin.

I watched him, my brows drawing together in complete and utter confusion. "Roman?" Calling out his name didn't seem to do anything; he let the stream of blood run down his chin, now dripping down onto his shirt. I could only look up at him, unsure why he was acting like this.

Finally, Roman spoke; "Living hell, you say?" His voice was low, threatening-- it was suddenly clear to me that he had gotten a very dark idea.

These sorts of proclamations coming from a guy who had an affinity for pricking girls with needles genuinely concerned me. I got up from the window sill, ready to climb out onto the roof to join him. "Come on, Roman, let's just talk!--"

It was as though he was on auto-control, rushing to the edge of the roof before turning around to climb down. My heart beat hard in my chest as I nearly lunged out of my window, hoping to reach him in time. "Hey, where are you going?!" 

I didn't make it-- Roman had already managed to land on the grass beneath him, his long limbs an apparent advantage, and he was now storming down my lawn towards his car. 

"Roman!" I yelled, crouching down on the edge of my roof; this was definitely not looking good. My mind kept racing as I gave up trying to catch up to him, burying my face in my hands. 

I was screwed. I was so screwed. 

(a/n: check out part 1, part 2, and part 3 if you haven't!! thank you for reading, more to come!!<33)

[asyisnotok]

Ten Questions for Writers

@mangogreent thanks for the tag!!

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

I started writing in 2022. As of right now, 4! Soon to be 5. I would maybe have more if I didn't lose steam halfway through!

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

My current WC is 49, 519. Hoping to get to at least 100k this year!!

3. what fandoms do you write for?

In the past I have written for the Dream SMP (unfortunately) and Sonic the Hedgehog. Right now though, I'm all about One Piece!! Let's hope that sticks with me, LOL

4. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

Yes! I try to respond to as many as I can. Sometimes it gets daunting! I'm not entirely sure what to say when people ask for updates...

5. have you ever had a fic stolen?

No. Hopefully I never will.

6. have you ever co-written a fic before?

A REALLY long time ago me and my online friend loosely worked on a BNHA fic that I really wanted to see come to fruition, but we lost contact shortly after. It never got posted. Maybe one day I'll find it again...

7. what’s your all-time favourite ship?

ZoLu is my favorite, I've never quite seen a dynamic quite like theirs! I definitely enjoy it but I can also see them as just being platonic as well. One Piece is unique like that.

8. what are your writing strengths?

This one's a bit hard to answer, I think. For me personally I think I'm good at characterizing and coming up with interesting situations for the characters to figure out. I'll have to ask my friends sometime what they think.

9. what are your writing weaknesses?

This is also hard for me to answer - one man's trash is another's treasure! I would have to say I think I am not good at writing characters I don't have a lot of emotional attachment to/don't get much screen time, and while I have the idea I can never quite get it on paper in a way that makes sense.

10. first fandom you wrote for?

The first fandom I ever wrote for was TMNT!! 2012 specifically. I wonder if I'll ever get around to publishing it...

TAGGING:

@maofa @scribbyizback

[sweetestcaptainhughes]

the past is best in the past - Quinn Hughes (CH 2)

Word Count - 1.8k

Summary - Quinn wants answers, but all Y/N wants is to hope that two weeks ago when Quinn stumbled back into her life it was some type of nightmare and not a reality.

Warnings - I honestly don't know if anything is specifically a trigger. very agusty

Author's Note: Please read Chapter one before you read this and thank you for reading. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

Chapter 1

It’s been exactly two weeks, thirteen nights and one day since Quintin Jerome Hughes walked back into her life and every single night since she’s been praying that he stays away. It wasn’t his fault Y/N left the lake, or left Michigan, hell she left the country. She just found herself continuing to run until she felt far enough away that no one could find her. All she wanted to do was to be far away enough from her past that she could forget what happened. But she knew that since he laid eyes on her two weeks ago he was probably blaming himself for not finding her sooner in Vancouver. But what can Y/N say she became a master at hiding, to the point of almost forgetting she was even in the same city as Quinn until she heard him call her by Y/N/N that night. 

Trying to shake her mind from her thoughts, Y/N tried focusing on getting ready for another shift at the bar. She already showered, but now she found herself lost in her own mind again standing in front of her closet. Her mind replaying past memories that brought a chill down her spine and her breath quickened rather than picking out her clothes. Her mind finally being pulled away from her thoughts when she heard her phone ring, frowning her eyebrows she went to her bathroom vanity where she left it to make sure that it wasn’t the bar trying to call her into work early. Immediately she felt her skin get hot, the hairs on her arms stand up in shock, her heart slightly drop to her stomach as if she was a rollercoaster, as she read the contact Jack Hughes on the caller ID, which only meant one thing Quinn told him Y/N was in Vancouver and that’s one step closer to people from back home - Michigan not home, home was Vancouver and has been for years - from finding out where she was, her breath quickening at the thought of having to leave Vann and start over again. The idea made her stomach tighten in nerves as she pressed the green button and held her phone to her ear. 

“Hey J” she squeaks, her eyes flinching closed waiting for the impact of his screams she knew were coming. 

“Y/N?” He sounds relieved that she answered him on the first try, a strong contrast to how she expected he would react when she answered the call. “Why didn’t you tell me?” his voice soft on the phone, it sounded almost weak, sad, the opposite of his normal cheerful light tone. 

“You know why.” simply stating, hoping that he understands her underline meaning at her words without her needing to be blunt. 

“That’s not a good enough reason and you know it. Quinn loved you, no fuck that, Quinn loves you Y/N!” Jack makes sure to put an emphasis on the word love. There it is, the anger she was waiting for, taking a deep breath and sitting on the edge of her small bed suddenly having an overwhelming feeling of needing to sit and giving up on finishing getting ready for work. 

“You know I had to leave, and you know he had to stay.” her voice breaking as the tears threaten to spill from her already tired eyes. 

“I know.” his voice softer than it was a few moments ago. “But I also know you never told me the whole story as to why you left the way you did. And for a long time I respected that but you also never told Quinn and that was fucked up. You didn’t see his face that day after you left…. I've never seen him look like that and I hope I never do again.He deserves to know why you left, the real reason, not some bullshit excuse, and he deserves to know why you hid from him for almost 7 years.” Jack lets out a sigh almost like he's tired of this conversation, or maybe he’s bored, or maybe he knows that the person he was talking to was one of the only people more stubborn than any of the Hughes brothers were, and despite his words she was going to do what she wanted. 

“Jacky?” she asks in a soft voice, almost sounding like she's underwear because she’s focusing so hard on not breaking down. As if she was testing if Jack was even still on the phone since all that could be heard was static for the last few minutes. After another moment of silence she decides whether he was on the phone or not. She couldn’t wait another minute without word vomiting her next question.  “Is he mad at me? What if he hates me?” her voice cracking like glass shattering on a piece of concrete. Softly admitting for the first time in her entire life a confession she has kept close to her chest for years. “I would hate myself if I was him.” Covering her mouth trying to not let Jack hear how upset she truly is at the idea that Quinn might hate her. 

“No Y/N/N. He could never hate you even if he wanted to. I think-” Sighing deeply again into the phone before he continued “I don’t know I’m not him, but I know he doesn’t hate you. And I know you say that you would hate him if the roles were reversed, but I know that’s a lie you're telling yourself to try and protect your heart. Both of you are just… hurt from the past, neither of you really moved on. I don’t know what he’s thinking besides being shocked, but I know he could never hate you Y/N. And I also know that there is no way he could stay away from you now that he knows where you work.” 

“I know” she whispers, finally admitting out loud what she has known since she saw the dark haired curly boy two weeks ago. Quinn Hughes was not going to leave Y/N alone nor disappear again whether she wanted to run or not. By the end of his speech Jack is actually chuckling on the phone. 

“What?” she asks, her voice light for the first time that night. 

“I just wish I could have seen his face seeing you in the bar.” Fully laughing now. Rolling your eyes at Jack’s words. 

“Goodbye Jack.” Y/N waits until she hears Jack bid his goodbye before hanging up and deciding it was time to finish getting ready for her shift. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The phone with Jack earlier clouded Y/N’s mind whether it was conscious or not. She found herself glancing at the door every few moments, staring at the brunette boy she thought was Quinn a little too hard until he turned around and it was just a stranger. As she tried to push her anxious thoughts down as her stomach twisted in anticipation, Jack’s words from early ringing in her ears. 

There is no way he could stay away from you now that he knows where you work

Stay away from you…

Knows where you work 

It was only a matter of time before he showed up at Y/N’s work. But somehow she still gasped in shock when hours later she turned around and found Quinn sitting in the same bar stool he did two weeks ago. Now finally able to examine his features more than the last time he was sitting in that bar, he had a pretty decent beard on his face, his jaw tight and sharp, the bags under his eyes a little more prominent and darker than all those years ago. He looked older, wiser, he looked like a man and she felt her stomach sink at the realization of how much time has truly passed between them. Quinn turns his head, feeling someone's eyes on him. He has a soft smile on his face when he realizes it’s Y/N’s and she feels her stomach sinking suddenly she feels seventeen again with his gaze on her. Back when life was anything but simple but at least she had Quinn still. 

Y/N doesn’t know if it’s the magnetic pull she has always had when it came to Quinn but she finds herself excusing herself from her coworkers most recent story of her last hinge date fail. Finding herself walking towards the other side where Quinn was sitting neither of them were willing to break eye-contact as if they had a fear that if they did the other would disappear. 

Finally finding herself standing in front of the man who she used to know better than herself. Y/N sucks a breath in as she speaks, “Quinn.” coming out almost like a warning. “What do you want from me?” Her voice sounded annoyed but her eyes showed nothing but a softness for the man in front of her, as if he could never do anything wrong, even if he was showing up uninvited to her place of work. 

“We need to talk.” His words were heavy but his voice sounded unsteady as he stumbled the words out. “Why did you leave? Why are here?” he pleads, bringing his hands to rest on the bar. 

“We can’t talk here.” her voice was lighter than before, almost a whisper as if she didn’t want anyone to hear them, especially her noisy coworkers. 

“I know.” he states as if he was expecting that answer. “I can wait.” 

“It’s barely 9 and I don’t get off till 2 am.” she sheepishly admits, hoping that Quinn can’t notice the light blush forming on her neck. 

“That’s fine. I’ll wait, Y/N. Always.” Nodding at her words.

“You can’t just sit here and not order anything.” leaning in as her teeth started to grind together at Quinn’s actions, forgetting how the oldest boy could always push back. 

“I know. I’ll have ginger ale.” Slightly moving in his seat to grab his credit card out of his wallet. 

“No miller?” she can’t help herself from asking curious about the boy's actions. 

“I wanna be sober when we talk and 2 am is a long time away.” he states. Nodding at his words she swiftly starts his tab and gets him a ginger ale. But unlike Quinn who can’t wait for it to be the end of the night so they can talk, she is hoping time freezes. Because although you can cut the tension in the shitty lite bar with a knife, she knows when they do sit down and talk it will be worse, because she will have to tell the boy she was in love why even though it may have seemed like a selfish thing to leave how she did, all she was trying to do was protect him from herself. Protect him from her own inner demons, her own mind who liked to play tricks on her, because Quinn Hughes has always been destined to do bigger and better things then hold her like he did that night.

[f1letters]

bigger than the whole sky | ms47

"i'm never gonna meet what could've been, would've been what should've been you"

summary: guilt consumed her alive when she lost the baby she initially didn't plan on having... maybe the outcome could've been better if she did something different, she thought

warning: very heavy and very sad story, angst, heartbreak, swearing, mentions of a panic attack, grief, death, mention of unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage, brief mention of blood, loss of a child, mention of the hypothetical future that the baby would have had, happy-ish ending

pairing: mick schumacher x reader

word count: 2.9k

note: everything in bold are song references and in italic are thoughts, which includes memories from the past. I would also like to point out that this one has to be the hardest story I have written so far as it is very personal to me. I've thought a lot about NOT posting it over the past few days, exactly because of these heavy topics. but I think this needs to be spoken about a lot more than it is, especially with how many women/people with reproductive systems suffer from miscarriages in silence. please read the warnings before reading!

german words used: liebling = darling; schatz = sweetheart; mama = mom

on a less sad note, I think everybody knows how much I love mick, I hope we still get to see him next year (please papa toto, rescue my man!!!)and that he gets another chance in the 2024 grid. with this being said, I hope you enjoy this one and have your tissues with you!

masterlist

No words appear before me in the aftermath

Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears

Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness

'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea

Many say that grief is the price of love.

That grief is just a form of love; a love that can't be given anymore to someone we could hug and kiss and see before they were gone.

That grief is the result of a space that is left empty in our lives after someone physically loses strength and lets their soul rest.

But as much as we are prepared from childhood to grieve for someone we had time to love, nothing prepares us for the heart-wrenching experience of losing someone we didn't even have a chance to know and cherish.

Such suffering, pain and anguish seemed impossible to fit in Y/N's small and fragile heart, as she tried to accept the aftermath of the loss of her baby.

She stood there, stuck in time, just thinking of everything she could have done differently. Searching for an explanation for why life had played such a cruel trick on her. Wondering why. 

Why me? Why with us? Why them?

As the young woman lay on her back in the middle of her big white bed in search of answers, the only sound that echoed between those four walls was her painful sobs as salt streamed out of her eyes and into her ears.

That same sound was her only company, as her boyfriend was nowhere to be seen.

She couldn't blame him though. She knew that his absence in the room they shared was due to her own cold and distant attitude towards him over these last few days.

But she just couldn't face him.

Looking into his eyes would only make her realize that they mirrored the exact same pain in hers.

And as selfish as it sounded, she wasn't ready to face his loss when she could barely accept her own.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I've got a lot to pine about

I've got a lot to live without

She didn't want to see him or talk to him. Even during the night, Y/N found herself escaping to the uncomfortable couch in the living room to avoid sleeping next to Mick, almost as if she was too afraid to touch him and thereby infect him with her sadness.

Everything for her suddenly changed, and she couldn't wrap her head around how a being so fragile and so precious that never even had a chance to live could be the only meaningful thing in her life at that moment.

'Pregnant 1-2'

Leaning against the cold tiles of her bathroom, sitting on the marble floor, the young woman tried to calm her uncontrolled and panting breathing.

It couldn't be. This couldn't be happening to her.

Her eyes read over and over again the small letters on the digital display of the pregnancy test in her hands. Almost as if she expected that at any moment they would change and that she would wake up from the nightmare she saw herself in.

Her head was all over the place. She couldn't have a child now. She was in her early 20s, she had only been with her boyfriend for a little over a year, and he was just starting his second year in Formula 1.

Not that she doubted her love for Mick or his for her. If there was one certainty she had in the world, it was that he was the love of her life, even if their relationship was fairly recent.

But they never even spoke about having children in the long run, let alone already. She hardly saw him herself most of the year. How would she be able to take care of a baby in those conditions?

The pressure was building in her lungs and her vision was beginning to blur as the girl panicked more and more, until she was awakened by the sound of someone knocking on the bathroom door.

"Schatz, are you okay? You've been there for over thirty minutes." She heard the driver's concerned voice on the other side of the door. "I'm getting worried, can I come in?"

From inside the bathroom, Mick got no response and only heard the cries of his partner who had finally given in. Without thinking twice, he opened the door and went down to her level, kneeling on the floor in front of the girl.

"Liebling, what's wrong? Talk to me." He brought both his hands up to the sides of her jaw, leaving soft caresses with his thumbs until her gaze met his.

"I'm sorry, Mick. I'm so fucking sorry." Y/N replied, shaking her head in denial while crying uncontrollably.

The boy was only more confused by his girlfriend's apologies, but when he looked down at her lap and saw the blue stick, he immediately realized what was happening and his arms dropped to his sides in shock.

"Fuck. Y- You- Are you pregnant?" He asked, shaking with nerves. He leaned against the wall on her side as well, letting his head relax against the tiles. 

His hand went to Y/N's thigh in an attempt to comfort her and after a few minutes to assimilate everything that was happening, he spoke again. "Okay. Okay. We're going to be fine. Don't worry, we'll handle this together. I have more than enough money to support the three of us and-"

"Mick, stop." The young woman replied, with some aggression in her tone. "I can't have a baby right now. This is insane."

Remembering that day now brought only heartache and pain, because it was all over now, all out to sea.

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

What could've been, would've been you

"Y/N, I know you're nervous. I am too, but I know that together we can do this." Mick confessed, grabbing both of the girl's hands and looking at her with the most loving gaze she had ever seen on anyone.

"I barely know your family, you don't even know my parents." She continued with her rambling. "I spend 99 per cent of the year alone in this house while you are God knows where around the world."

"I'll quit." Y/N's heart skipped a beat at the boy's suggestion. "You are worth more than any sport and any dream. You are my dream, both of you are. I want nothing more than to grow old with you and have a family together, so I'll quit in a heartbeat if I have to."

"I would never let you give up on your dreams, Schumacher, and you know it." Y/N felt her body relax for the first time in hours, letting her back lay against her boyfriend's chest, his hands resting on her stomach. "Are we completely crazy for even considering this?"

And for a short time, they were indeed crazy. Crazy for each other and for the future they envisioned for the three of them.

Even without seeing them or touching them, their baby filled their hearts so intensely, with a love they never knew before, that they grew in size with that insane amount of adoration.

Only to be broken into bigger pieces.

Did some bird flap its wings over in Asia?

Did some force take you bеcause I didn't pray?

Every single thing to come has turned into ashes

'Cause it's all over, it's not meant to be

So I'll say words I don't believe

For a few more weeks, the couple lived inside their dream bubble, filled with so much happiness and excitement for their future. Although no one else knew about Y/N's pregnancy yet, everyone noticed how much they glowed, more in love than ever.

Until Mick had to come back to the real world and had to travel to the United States for a race, leaving his girlfriend alone again in their home in Switzerland.

The young woman couldn't explain why she felt so apprehensive and so scared at the idea of being alone. It was not the first time this happened, but inexplicably her sixth sense was already on high alert as she held the German much longer than usual at the airport, as if she was too afraid to let him go.

Two completely normal days passed after the driver left: he called her every day when he woke up, at lunchtime, and when he went to sleep, in an attempt to make her feel less lonely.

But on the third day, she didn't answer him.

He didn't think anything special of it, thinking she was probably busy with something at work, so he went about his morning as if nothing had happened. Hours went by as he was dealing with his media duties, until, on his lunch break, he picked up his phone again and his world seemed to come crashing down in a single instant.

'15 missed calls from Schatz'

'9 missed calls from Gina'

'7 missed calls from Mama'

Alone at home and with no family living in Switzerland, Y/N found herself in complete despair when she saw blood running down her legs. She knew right away what it was, even though her brain begged for another possible reason.

The girl silently prayed for the better as she searched through the kitchen drawers for the paper where she knew her boyfriend's mother, Corinna's number was written.

Y/N simply couldn't face this all by herself.

Although they only met a couple of times before that day, the young woman couldn't be more grateful to have had the Schumacher family's matriarch by her side, to hold her hand and to wipe her tears away as the doctors told her the worst news she would ever hear in her entire life.

"I'm sorry miss, but I'm afraid your baby no longer has a heartbeat."

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I've got a lot to pine about

I've got a lot to live without

Those words just turned every single thing to come into ashes.

And she couldn't help but feel guilty.

Maybe she had done something she shouldn't have done. Eaten something she couldn't. Made physical efforts that she could not.

Maybe she should have prayed for the baby. She should have accepted the pregnancy sooner. She shouldn't have doubted their ability to have that child.

She was looking for something: an answer, an explanation, a reason.

And although her head knew it wasn't logical, she blamed him too.

Maybe if Mick were here. If he hadn't travelled to the other end of the world. If only he hadn't left her in that house without help and company.

She needed him more than ever, but at the same time, all the distance between them didn't seem enough for Y/N.

The wooden door to their room opened unexpectedly, making the girl turn her back to Mick to prevent him from seeing her tears.

He slowly approached her figure and she felt the mattress lower next to her as he sat up and placed his hand on her bare shoulder.

"Please, I beg you. Talk to me." Y/N heard his voice shake, and it became clear that he was crying too. "I can't take this silence anymore. I'm suffering too, you know?"

She knew she was being unfair to him. After all, he too had lost his child, his future, a part of him, even if he wasn't the one to physically carry it.

She was a childless mother, but he too was a childless father.

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

The truth is, she didn't believe the words she was saying in her head.

Mick was the most supportive person she knew. He made a point of asking her over and over again if she was okay, if she needed anything, if she wanted to talk.

But it wasn't until she was forced to face her partner's sadness that she realized that blaming him wasn't going to mend the hole in her heart.

He was the only one who could ease her pain if she let him in.

The girl turned to the boy, finding his back trembling with the sobs he let out. She hugged him from behind, feeling his body relax against hers with the physical contact he desired so much. 

Mick lay down next to her on the bed, pulling her as close to him as possible, and they stayed there for hours, in comfortable silence, while they both mourned their loss in each other's arms.

"I'm so sorry, baby." Y/N broke the silence. "I was trying so hard to find a reason for all of this that I ended up blaming myself, blaming you. It was unfair, and I'm so fucking sorry. I shouldn't have ever done that."

"It wasn't anyone's fault, liebling." Mick whispered with his lips brushing against her forehead. "It just wasn't meant to be."

Y/N looked up at the driver, meeting his sad gaze, and the two let the tips of their noses touch.

The two lovers' lips met again after days apart and, even if only for a moment, they both felt whole again.

What could've been, would've been you

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

What could've been, would've been you

Nothing hurts like an unexpected goodbye, but they both knew they would carry their baby forever in their hearts, even if they hadn't been able to carry them in their arms.

They were never going to be able to see the baby say their first words and take their first steps.

They were never going to have the opportunity to see their child go to school for the first time, or attend their graduation.

They were never going to be able to comfort them when they had their first heartbreak, or tease them when they had their first crush.

But even though they knew their baby was more than just a short time, they knew the mark they left on them was permanent.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I've got a lot to pine about

I've got a lot to live without

Two years later, the couple couldn't be in a better place, even though their loss would never fully heal.

Y/N had just won a promotion at work, allowing her to reach the position she always dreamed of holding at the company she worked for.

Mick had returned to the Formula 1 grid after two troubled years in his career and now wore the four Audi rings on his polo shirt with the greatest of pride, alongside his longtime friend and returning champion, Sebastian.

But most of all, the incomprehensible sounds that came out of their rainbow baby's mouth were what made them the happiest they have ever been.

Their newborn baby girl filled their hearts with renewed hope and unlimited love, bringing back colour in a world that was previously only black and white.

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

taglist: @dan3avacado @starxqt @roseinnej @spiidergirlsworld @ccloaned @hotpigeon22 @dr3lover @lovelytsunoda @primadonnasdream @luxebeautystyle @wallfloweriism @ilivefortheleague @gwynethhberdara @satellitelh @adavenus @audreyscodes @wifeoflucyboynton @th6ccnsp6cyy @classifiedsblog @flyingmushroomss @motylekrozi @claramllera @gabrielamaex @handsupforamiracle @pierre-gasssllyy @lorenaloveslewis

@idkiwantchocolatee @simpforsunwoo @kissatelier @xweirdxsceletton @micksmidnights @miniminescapist @inchidentwithmax @hopelesslyromantics-world @alwaysclassyeagle @indieclarke @capela-miranda @okokoksblog @pulpfixion @sins-only33 @sainzclerc @allisonxf1 @honethatty12 @amsofftrack @flannel-cures @junkiespromise @loudoperahumanoidpanda @honeyric3 @holy-macncheese-balls @ricciardosheart @pierreverstapkin

@ravenqueen27 @majkaftorek @home-of-disaster @buendiabebeta @itgirlofnowhere @roses-of-eden @thewintersunset @rubychocolatechips

(taglist continues in the comments)

thank you to everyone that asked to be tagged! please let me know if you want to be added to the next stories! 💌

[cecedownbad]

Hold On

Summary: A missing child's case resurfaced so many memories you wished to keep buried. Sure enough, seeking comfort from the heavy feelings came by as a form of a person. [Spencer Reid X Fem!Reader] Part 2.

Warning: Child abduction, death of a child, angst, no Y/N, made up last name: Cyrus, made up case, light fluff, hurt/ comfort, not too romance-y but alluding to it, not proof read, I don't think the mystery/crime aspect is good but let me hear thoughts guys. Something extra in tags, read after the story.

Word Count: 4.1k

Part 1

I'm so sorry this took so long, my exams, mental health, projects, assignments allll just rolled in the past months, and I've been doing everything to stay on top of writing. It's rushed towards the end but with all that's going on I hope it's okay. If anyone is up for part 3, I'm all for it .

Enjoy

"Those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it."

-George Santayana

'Okay, let's see, Conrad Miller, 16 years old, went missing on June 12th, 2007. Last seen by the local church with one of the volunteers, she was questioned once but was never linked as she had a solid alibi, her name was Grace Cyrus.' Tara paused. 'So she took Conrad, no she definitely didn't just take him, poor kid is definitely not okay.'

'Right now Stephen is our priority, the anniversary of Steven's disappearance is in 4 days, so what does she want with him now?' You pace in the room, spinning a pen you grabbed in your hand. 'I think that's something only you can answer, what happened 4 days prior to Steven's disappearance?' Tara pondered, she sat down, looking at you, intent on finding answers. '4 days prior…that was the day my dad— Daniel had come to visit, they, Grace and him got into a fight and Stevie, Steven tried to "protect" Daniel in his own way, he thought Mom was going to hurt him…'

Was it then that this all weighed down on you? Words long lost had started pouring through the cracks of memories locked away. You were never in that station in that moment, no, now you were back there.

'Stevie, get back here! We can't stop them!'

'No! No let go! I don't want Dad to go, Mom's going to send him away!'

'Steven!'

No matter how hard you tried, he slipped from your tensed grasp, landing right between two enraged adults.

Pacing the floor helped gather your thoughts, a little better.

'What was the very last thing she said to you when you left?'

The thought of how it all ended passed through your minds, each time much like a bullet to the brain but you push it all down, now wasn't the right time for you. 'everything okay there?' Tara asked you, it's only been a few minutes since you and Tara confronted the idea that Grace might have done more than anyone could have put together.

'Yeah just a lot going on in my head, I think I need a breather.'

'Hold that thought, JJ and Luke are back with Daniel,'

Your hand now wrapped around the empty coffee mug, a dad you haven't spoken to for the last two decades, what would you have to say? or better yet, what would he say to you? This isn't an official reunion, it's an interrogation and who knows what will spill out of your mouth if you see the very first man in your life that disappointed you, taught you that having a person in your life was enough to make you fall apart.

'JJ and I will go in first, you sit tight.' Tara patted your shoulder giving it a good squeeze before heading out the conference room.

It was soon after that Rossi, Reid and Emily came back in, all three harnessing disappointment with their stride. 'Hey, what happened?'

'Well, Rosa was not in her home, we searched the house and by the looks of it, she hardly came back there.' Emily sat down with her legs crossed. 'but, her room had keepsakes, maybe from the time you lived with her?'

'What did she have?'

'She had pictures, some old folded drawings, and the weirdest one, an old juice box.' as Emily finished, you sat up from your chair, 'an old juice box? Do you remember what flavour?'

'I think it was Apple? Why? Does it have something to do with Steven?'

'…'

'Cyrus?'

'That, uh, it's nothing, I think sentimental feelings do surface no matter what kind of person you are.' You began fidgeting with your sleeves, your mind now slowly began recalling events that transpired long ago. 'Is there something else? It looks like you aren't sure about something.' Rossi eyed your movements, he knew something was keeping you. 'My mother, she'd never show any sign that she felt remorse, not even as far as I could remember.'

'Okay Reid, stay with her, I'm going to check in with JJ and the rest. Rossi? Do you mind?' soon after, Rossi and Emily exited the room, leaving you and Spencer in the conference room. 'Could you tell me what kind of person your mother is?' Spencer sat down right before you, urging you to take a seat right next to him and you did.

'She was an uptight woman, she loved to be in control of her life that meant being in control of mine too, it's why I left. She loved being seen.'

'Being seen? What do you mean?'

'She was always a respected figure no matter where she went, be it at work or in the neighborhood, she pushed for that at home too. When Steven had disappeared, I would always remember how she would tell me he was in a better place, and that if I do anything to disobey her or question her authority, I would be punished.' your head hung as you remembered more, 'I would study, day and night, that was the only life I knew, if my grades dropped by a mark, she'd lock me in my room, made sure I only had books on my desk.'

'Did Daniel ever drop by after what happened to Steven?' Spencer asked gently, 'No, I never saw him after that, I thought he finally got sick of mom and left, but I see now that wasn't the case.'

'Okay—'

'You know the one thing I can't seem to remember though?' you looked up at Spencer, his eyebrows now furrowed in question. 'My mother would always say how beautiful I am, and…and that I look just like her, her very own reflection but, Spencer, I can't…I can't remember her face.' your voice sounded shattered at what came out of it. You felt the tears fall, but you couldn't turn away or hide them, Spencer saw just how much this hurts you.

'You are your own person, no one can ever take that from you, no matter what, you are you.' He held your hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of your palm, that gave you a sign of comfort and you smiled at him. 'Alright, let's get back to the case.' quickly wiping away your tears and pasting on a smile, which you flash at Spencer, he in turn regained a more unmoving figure. 'When you said Rosa knew that Steven would never come back, what did you mean?'

'I was only a kid but to me it felt like she already knew that Steven had maybe...and all I could remember was a frown anytime I even remotely related to Steven.' You return with an answer. It was then the phone on the table went off.

'What is it Garcia?'

'So I dug into Daniel a bit more, and you aren't going to like this, so he was actually never in Bakersfield until a week ago, before that he was working as a cab driver in Nevada. He was in Nevada for a long time, but he touched base sometime in 2007, in the month of June. Looks like he tried several times to contact his ex wife but she never entertained any of it. What is concerning is that he was reported of stalking a young boy, said he mistook the boy for a boy he knew and he meant no harm but he was fired from his workplace and when was that? A little before coming over to Bakersfield.' Once Garcia had informed both of you, it was then JJ, Emily and Luke walked back in.

'What did the boy look like?' Spencer asked, 'I sent his picture to your phone.'

'Thank you Garcia.' You picked up your cell and scrolled through to find the image.

'No problemo.'

Upon quick inspection, you could tell at a glance the young boy and Steven shared a few similarities, nothing too obvious except hair colour and facial structure, age is the more obvious factor.

JJ walked in, arms crossed, she sighed but began asking what Garcia checked in for, 'Looks like Daniel was fired from his work place prior to coming to Bakersfield a week before Stephen's abduction.' You informed the three.

'If I didn't know any better, I'd say that's a trigger for him.' Emily began, 'Yeah, I agree.' and Luke followed suit.

'So he not only gets rejected by his ex-wife, but fired from his work place for stalking a boy that looks like his son, then he goes and kidnaps a boy that Rosa seemingly dotes on? Something doesn't add up.' JJ looked on with confusion. 'How did it go with him?' you asked finally.

'Said he had something vital for the case but he would only discuss it with you.' Emily sat down, her voice already etching with exhaustion. 'He's hiding something and my gut is saying it can't be good.'

'I'll go talk to him.' You were close to leaving the room, but Emily had halted your motions.

'Wait,'

'Yeah?'

'Reid will go with you, Tara might want to step out.' You gave a quick nod to Emily's order.

Every step to the interrogation room, you could hear the pained voices of yours, more precisely, from when you were a child. A young girl, alone in a room with nothing but her thoughts, you swallowed hard as you stood by the entrance of the viewing room. When you entered, you let Spencer call Tara from the interrogation room to the viewing room. 'No matter what, don't give in to his requests, you need to break him down, and if you ever want to leave, you can.' Tara gave you a small nudge and she stayed back in the room.

This was it, you let Spencer lead you into the interrogation room, allowing him to get there before you creeped on behind.

'How many times do I need to tell you people? Can't you bring my daug—you, your—'

'Let me be very clear, you have something vital for this case and I'm willing to hear you out, but say or do anything and you will be escorted out of the door by agents, understood?' the firm voice you let out hid every sorry cry that was wailing in you, having not seen your father for 20 years was a shock but not something that should be seen. 'Look at you, what it's been 15, 20 years, oh my beautiful little angel, I missed you.' honey coated words slipped from his mouth and every cell in you twisted in anger and contempt, 'Mr. Carter, the case.' Spencer stepped in this time.

'Always in such a hurry, well, since you brought my little girl. I know where the kid is being held.' He sat there with no remorse, no care that a child, close to the age of the son he lost years ago, was missing.

'Where might that be?'

'I can take you there, but I'll only go if she goes with me.'

After so long, he cares or at least that's what he's showing but you knew what he was playing at, he thought he could get away light just because his flesh and blood was in the justice system, what a sorry bastard.

'I think we're done here.' Spencer had got up from his chair but you stayed seated, deal or not you wanted to break the man in front of you and that was what was nailing you down to your chair. 'Mr. Carter, what good will it do if I went with you? Was it not enough that you came in here demanding to see your daughter about a case I know damn well you don't care about?' you pressed, choice of words were clearly targeted but your composure remained cool. 'What do you mean, you know what happened to Stevi—'

'Your son that you never bothered to report missing? I don't believe you have a right to bring that up, Sir.'

'Now listen here—'

'In the time Rosa had left you behind, you did nothing but fail to bring yourself together, I have a question for you, what were you doing on June 12th, 2007? Why did you come back to Bakersfield prior to that date?' you swiped through the tablet that Tara handed to you, it contained everything Garcia had found including some case files. 'I don't know why you're asking me that, don't you have the life of a boy to save?' He avoided it with such harshness, you only wanted to pry further but somehow it felt like you knew the answer, but the words never fell into place.

'Answer the question Daniel.' Spencer sat back down now jabbing at him as well. 'I just had someone to meet, is that really so important?'

'Why did you need to meet them? Did you coming back here have anything to do with Rosa Cyrus, your ex-wife?' Your slowly tapped at the desk, it was a timed beat. 'I did visit her once but that—'

'Were you aware that a teenager was reported missing around the same time you arrived here? His name was Conrad Miller, he was 16 years old.'

'W-what? I-I don't know anything about that.'

'Really? Because it says in the case files that Rosa was the last person to have seen Conrad, but you knew that didn't you?' He flinched at the response, at this point he wore a sign that screamed suspicious.

It was then that Daniel remained silent, you believed that any word that came out of him at that point would dig his grave deeper.

You stepped out of the room and walked into the room behind the mirror. 'Now he won't speak,' Rossi now stood there with his arms in his pocket.

'We need to find Rosa and Stephen soon, the man is hiding something and Rosa is the key to finding out why.' Rossi took the words right out of your mouth, looks you both knew what he was playing at.

'I think I can help with that, how much can you guys bet on a gut feeling?' You asked the three of them, weary of their answer, 'At this point? I'll take it.' Rossi let out, the two soon followed. 'Rosa will most likely be at the house we used to live in, which is not in this area, I'm hoping that she's keeping Stephen safe,'

'Safe? How come?' Tara asked you, 'Daniel here, came a week prior to Stephen's abduction, not only did he lose his job before coming here, he needed to have a reason to come here,' you deduce.

'His reason being Rosa? But wouldn't that not trigger Rosa?' Looks like you still needed to elaborate your theory, so you continued. 'It did, Rosa having heard that Daniel came here must have caused her protective instinct to kick in, call me crazy, but I think Rosa is keeping Stephen away from Daniel.' you finally let out a sigh, your palms clammed from sweat but if you were right, the little boy you came here for was safe.

'A mother's protective instinct, I'm guessing that something happened 20 years ago that she didn't agree on, which caused her to completely reject this guy, I'll have Garcia send the address of her prior location.' Rossi curtly exited the room, Tara followed along.

Spencer stood before you in silence, you didn't register any movement from him because all your focus was on the man, sitting on the other side of that glass.

'You can go on ahead, Reid, I need to talk to him.' 

'But I can't let you go in alone...'

You huffed, your eyes did what it could but meet his but looking away won't make what you want go away, 'Given the chance, I might punch the daylights out of him—'

'More of a reason for me to stay.' 

Spencer interrupted, you returned with a sharp look in your eyes before you relaxed, 'Let me finish, I would want to give him a piece of my mind but I need to know, I just, he's the only one that has got to know something about Steven, maybe I can finally put him to rest.' 

It was selfish, that's what you called it, asking for just one more clue when you couldn't do anything before. Maybe now that helpless little girl all those years ago, can see her brother off. 'I need to do this, alone...'

'...' 

You stood there, waiting for something, a sound from him in response, anything at all. 'I'll wait here, being short of another agent will not slow down the rest of the team.' He'd finished but his response ticked you, it poked at the idea of a child being monitored by their parents.

'I don't need you watching my every move, Reid.'

'I'm just following orders.'

'Following orders? Do I look like a child to you? Do I need a leash around my neck too? I can handle him, he's one man!' Your voice raised, and you stared up at your fellow colleague with a ray of contempt.

'A man you can't stand being around for long, you sounded just fine in there earlier to anyone that watched, but do you want to know what I saw? I saw that you were holding back, hard enough your hands curled at his answers, your feet apart was enough for me to know that you would have given Emily a reason for you to be dismissed from the case.' He'd stated what was right, but it wasn't right to you, not right now, you don't know when it would be. 'I'll wait here, you can go in alone.'

Your feet put you in place for a good moment, his words tore right through you. He was right, somewhere in your clouded judgement, you understood he was right, but just because you understood doesn't mean you accepted it.

With a second left to pass, you turned from Spencer. All in silence, it was accepted that you had a job to uphold, no matter the personal toll.

-------------------------------

The dial ups in the station, voices of police officers, movement all around you had become void. Nothing, that's what you heard when you left the interrogation room, you couldn't even hear one Agent calling out to you when you had left. Something gathered, something rotten had formed in your stomach. Your body felt hot, your head on a swivel.

You felt the acid burn at your throat, the half conscious part of you managed to drag your feet to a bathroom stall for you to expel the choux pastry you ingested.

Standing before the mirror now, you washed your mouth, feeling the remnants of the expelled food at your throat.

Nothing felt right to you, not right then, not right now. Having no mind to lose any more time, Reid waited in the conference room as you begrudgingly walked yourself back into it. You said nothing.

You dialed in Emily immediately, hoping she hadn't reached the house yet. 'What have you got for me Cyrus?' 

'I spoke to Daniel.'

'What did he say?'

'He'd been sending frequent messages and calling my mother, they met once, 2007. There was an argument and Conrad had gotten in-between the two of them, it didn't end well.' you informed her, almost mechanically.

'What did he say about Steven?' JJ chimed in.

'Steven was, he said he was never meant to be hurt and Rosa in the mess of things, covered up for him. He told me where...I know where his body is.' Your voice strained, as it got to harsher details.

Nothing came out though, you tried filling in the rest of the details but your voice was overtaken. A pleading look carried over to Spencer and he took over. 'He said that you have to ask where he's sleeping, Rosa's delusion right at this moment is that Steven would come back.'

'Okay, we'll get back to you as soon as we're done here.' The line cut. If you'd carried a boulder on your shoulders, the weight of it might be the same as your conscience. All that was left was you see a family reunited and you get the closure you've been searching for.

------------------------------

The team was back, so was the little boy, he was safe. The Turner family could now go home with their son safe and sound in their grasp.

'Nothing beats seeing that.' you stood, satisfied in a way, the others agreed in unison to your words.

'Cyrus, I need to have a word with you.' Emily called you to a secluded corner of the station, but you had no fear built in you, in fact you felt rather empty, exhausted enough to be emotionally drained. 'We found Steven...' she said quietly.

'Where was he?' you met her in the eyes, having nothing left to tie you down. 'Remains were found in the wall of a small bedroom, it looked like he was initially buried but moved there later.' Every word had struck you, the smaller bedroom was your shared one, no doubt. 'Was he, uh, covered?' a crack sounded in your voice.

It took Emily a moment before answering, 'He was...' 

The last bit of remorse. You'd promised yourself for 20 years that he was found. Part of you wanted him to be alive, maybe he ran off and just found a better life or he was on the streets, alive at least. But you knew how far-fetched that sounded, hope was the one thing you were aware that could end you. '...Thank you, can I, um, I want to be alone.'

'Of course, take all the time you need, listen, once this is over I need to speak with you, but only when you're ready, okay?' She patted the side of your shoulders, adhering to your request, she left you alone.

You let out a wavered breath, trying to breathe in and out to calm yourself. What you needed now was to mourn, you knew that but having a hard cry at this moment would slow down everyone.

Not long after, Rosa and Daniel had gotten arrested. You couldn't catch a glimpse at her face, or more accurately, you refused to see the face you'd forgotten. That didn't bother you that much, as a mother she never cared to look out for you, there wasn't any good reason to remain adherent to the details.

Bakersfield PD would have no more reason to have you stay, for now at least but before you could leave it all behind, Steven deserved a proper burial.

The Funeral was small, no relatives, just few friends from school and the BAU were attending, with Chief Marks as well to pay respects.

You stood over the coffin, looking at how small it was, how it all came to an end, all in silence. Quietly you watched as the coffin was buried, soil tossed over it but before it was over, you had to have one last goodbye.

'I did what I promised, took you long enough to come back from playing, huh? You must be tired, rest well, Stevie.' The Carnation held in your hand had been placed on the coffin, a mark of innocence now put to rest. Once it was all over, you stood, not waiting or expecting anything but just, letting the weight gradually let go of you. This was what you needed yet, it didn't feel enough, something remained in you. 

Footsteps were heard behind you, and you took a peak at the intruder before lifting the corners of your mouth to him. 'He was a handful you know, always wanted my attention no matter what, saying that one day he'd make it to the moon just so he could get me some space rock.' Spencer said nothing to your bouts of reminiscence, 'He told me once, "I'm going to be no.1, so watch me!" I thought he was being silly, Dad left right after and we were alone, it was us against the world.' It all came back, then you knew what you hadn't let go, knew what it was that made you feel utterly at loss. 

'Hey, Spencer, you don't have to do this, but, um, I...' You wanted to ask just for a bit, that little comfort that you so desperately pushed away.

Without another word, he lightly turned to face you. Your mind was too caught up on other memories that when you felt his arms wrap around you, you didn't think for that second. All it took was this to let it all go, no longer in silence but in wailing agony.

He didn't need another word, he simply knew. It was like some crazed superpower of his but it's like he's always known.

He couldn't let go.

Tagging:

@treehouse-mouse

[janicemxt]

Lifeline 18+

Bada x Y/n

Word count Is I Don't Know

Also Not Proofread

Warnings!

Smut, Slight Language, Pet Names (Babe, Baby, Puppy ect.)

Y/n Pov❤️‍🔥Go...1...2...3...4 And...5...6...7...8 All right Everyone Good Job. Sowoen Go A Little Farther Down On The Third Step And Your Perfect. All right, Let's Get ready To Record.

Watching Bada In Teacher Mode Was Always A Trill, Seeing Her Be So Sure Of Herself And So Imposing Was Exiting. Nothing Like The Cute Puppy'ish Girl Whit The Beautiful Gummy Smile. This Was Bada, In Her Element And Nothing Bewildered Me More Than Watching Bada Be In Her Element. One Could Tell How Much She Loved To Teach, How Much She Appreciated Every Student, And How Eager She Was To Be The Best Teacher. I Snap Out Of My Thoughts When I Feel A Hand On My Shoulder

Hey Y/n Unnie, Been A While Since I've Seen You in a Class.

Hey Tatter

I Give Her A Quick Hug, We Make Some Small Talk And Catch Up On Our Days The Past Week.

I Miss Spending Time With Unnie, Bada Unnie Has Kidnapped You All To Herself. We Should Go Out All Together, It's Been A While And The Girls Miss You Too.

That's A Great Idea, I Feel Like Bada Needs To Decompress A Little, She Hasn't Stopped For A Second Since SWF2 ended, And Now SGF Filming Is About To Start And She's Yet To Take A Brake, I Fear She Might Burn Out If She Keeps This Up. I Say Whit Slight Worry

None Of Us Have Actually, I Think We Could All Use A Night Out. We Need It Or Else We Will Go Crazy.

Tatter Says Whit An Understanding Look On Her Face.

A Few Minutes Go By And I Hear My Girlfriends Voice Calling For The Students To Fall Into Groups.

That's My Cue. I'll Catch Up With You Later Y/n Unnie.

Bada's Pov🩵

All right Guys Now That We Are Divided Into Groups Let's Start Recording, You Guys Ready?

Yes!!!!!

Alright Then, Fighting!!!

First Went Tatter And Lusher Whit Some Other Students, I Love Watching My Girls Dance, It's Amazing Seeing How Much They've improved and Just How Much Confidence They Possess Now. As The Song Comes To An End Everyone Gives A Round Of Quick Applause And The Next Group Takes Their Places And So On Until It's My Turn. I Start Vibing Out, Getting A Feel For The Music, and Letting It Guide My Body.

(We All Know It Goes Like This)

Body Roll

Hip Trust

Head Nod

Smirk And Repeat😅🤣

Half Way Through The Choreo I Feel Eyes Burning At The Back Of My Head And I Know Exactly Who It Is. It Only Makes Me Dance Harder, As The Choreo Comes To An End I Improvise A Little Until The Song Ends. Everyone Screams And Applauded In Appreciation. I Can Only Smile And Bow, Part Of Me Will Never Get Used To How Much My Students Admire Me.I Look To My Left And See The Girls Beside Y/n, All Wearing Smiles And Clapping, But Oh Do I Know Her Well.......Her Eyes Gave Her Away.

Y/n Pov❤️‍🔥

She Knows Exactly What She's Doing, This Girl Will Be The Death Of Me. How In The World Is My Puppy Girlfriend The Same Girl That Eats Up The Dance Floor This Way? I Can't Keep My Eyes From Her, Everytime She Body Rolls I Feel A Trill Run Through My Spine, Everytime She Hip Trust I Have A Physical Reaction That I Just Can't Seem To Help. And Oh When She Did Her Little Nod As She Smirked That's When I Lost It, I Search For Her Eyes In The Mirror Only To See Her Looking Right At Me, I Could See Her Smirking. She Enjoyed The Way I Responded To Her Without Her Needing To Even Touch Me. The Way Something As Simple As Her Dancing Could Set Me On Fire. She Was Deliberately Teasing Me But She Forgot One Thing, Two Can Play This Game, And This Time I'll Certainly Win.

As She Finishes Her Dance Everyone Claps, The Girls Who Are Now Beside Me Can't Help But Scream And Chant For Their Leader. They Are Truly Her Biggest Fans. I Search For Her Gaze One More Time And When I Find It I Don't Hide My Want For Her. She Looks Taken Back By The Hunger My Eyes Display, Your Screwed, I Mouth And Her Eyes Get Comically Bigger.

She Quickly Closes Up The Class And Dismissed Everyone. The Students Start To Filter Out The Dance Room. In A Few Minutes, Only Me And The Members Of BEBE Remained. After Gathering A Few Things Bada Joins Me And The Girls. While She's Busy Engaging In Some Small Talk With the Girls I Can't Help But Admire How Beautifully Handsome She Is. From Her Eyes To Her Nose And Her Plump Lips, her Jawline, Her Hands, And The Slightly Sweaty Appearance After A Hard 2 Hours Of Dancing, I Couldn't Look Away. Suddenly Her Eyes Meet Mine And She Smiles Slightly, Her Eyes Look Tired And Her Bangs Slightly Stick To Her Forehead Yet She Still Looks Stunning. The Girls Say Goodbye And Start Leaving After Picking Up Their Things, And Now Finally It's Only Me And My Girlfriend in the Studio. Let The Game Begin...

Bada's Pov🩵

After The Girls Left I Started To Walk Back To My Belongings Ready To Put Everything Together So Me And Y/n Could Head Home. I Was About To Grab The Last Sip On My Water Bottle When Suddenly I Found Myself Pinned To The Glass Mirror In The Dance Room. When I Look Down At Her Face The Hunger In Her Eyes Surprises Me, Without Giving Me A Chance to Catch My Breath Her Lips Are On Mine. After A Few Minutes Of Intense Make Out I Push Her Back.

Umm......Y/n......I..Need To...Breath Baby.

Sorry, You Just Look Incredible Hot Right Now, I Can't Help It. She Says Looking Slightly Shy, The Determination Still Present In Her Gaze.

You've Been Teasing Me.

She Says As Her Lips Ghost Over My Jaw.

You Know I Hate Being Teased.

I Feel Her Breath On My Neck Now And I Get Goosebumps.

You Don't Seem To Mind Teasing When You're A Whinning Mess Under Me Baby.

I Say Trying My Best To Keep My Voice Steady Only To Earn A Slight Nip At My Neck That Makes Me Hiss.

She Starts Planting Gentle Kisses Over My Neck, Going Up To My Jaw. Making Me Melt Everytime Her Lips Find The Right Spot. She Kisses Over My Face And Ghosts My Lips. I Try To Lean Forward To Capture Her Lips But She Pulls Back. I Try Again Only For Her To Pull Back Once More.

What Are You Doing? I Want A Kiss

I Say While Looking At Her Hungry Eyes

Ask For It Nicely. She Says As She Comes Closer to my Face.

How Bout I Just Flip This Over And Take You Right in front of The Mirror? I Bet You'd Love That, Wouldn't You?

Y/n Pov❤️‍🔥

How Bout I Just Flip This Over And Take You Right in front of The Mirror? I Bet You'd Love That, Wouldn't You?

My Mouth Hung Opened And Before I Could Even Stop Myself My Mind Was Already Considering Letting Her Take Control. Her Hands Roaming Over My Body, Touching Every Inch Of Me, Her Slender Fingers Right Where I Want Them. I Was Hard Not To Cave When I Know How Good She'd Make Me Feel When I Know Just How Much She Enjoys Pleasing Me. I Could Make This Easy For Both Of Us, But No. Part Of Me Needed To Prove That I Could Make Her Cave, That I Could Make Her Beg And Relinquish Power The Same Way She Could Do To Me. And So I Stayed Determined.

I Pushed Against Her And Started Attacking Her Mouth With a Hunger Unknown To Myself. We Were Fighting For Dominance For What Felt Like 10 Minutes, Our Lips Kept Clashing And Only Parted For Seconds To Catch Our Breath. Then I Realized I Was Fighting A Losing Battle, She Wouldn't Give Up Control Easily. If I Wanted To Win This I'd Have To Hit Harder, Deprive Her Off The Thing She Needed Most At The Moment, Me. Bada Is Big On Physical Touch, Especially When It Comes To Sex. She Loves To Show Her Appreciation For My Body, and Keeping Some Kind Of Physical Contact Is A Must For Her. She Needs It Constantly If Not (In Her Words🙄) Shell Die. So I figured Depriving Her Of That Would Do the Trick.

She Grabbed At The Edge Of My Shirt And Started Lifting It Upwards But I Pulled Away.

Y/n I Swear If You Pull Away One More Time......She Looked Annoyed, But There Was A Hint Of Desperation In Her Eyes. She Was Caving, Perfect.

Tsk...Tsk...Tsk You Will Get Nothing Whit This Attitude Miss Lee.

Y/n What Are You Playing At? She Walked Towards Me And I Walked Back.

Y/n You Killing Me Babe, Come On.

Come On What, What Do You Want?

I Want You To Come Here And Let Me Take You, That's What I Want. But You Keep Pulling Away And Is Making Me Angry. Don't Want To No More.

She Said With A Slight Pout.

Aww, Baby's All Angry And Desperate Already? I Thought You'd Show A Little More Resistance. Ok, How Bout This I'll Give You What You Want But There's One Condition.

What Is It? She Asked Looking Skeptical.

You Have To Keep Your Hands To Yourself, No Touching Me Unless I Deliberately Ask You To. If You Do So Without My Consent I'll Stop.

Why The Hell Would I Agree To This? You Want Me To Not Touch You? That Is Unheard Of, Are You Listen To Your Self?

Do You Want Me Or No? Cus We Can Just Go Home And...

No! I Mean Yes, I...Yes, I Want You But You Know I Can't Do This. I Need To Touch You Or I'll Die.

No, You Won't Silly, Just Keep Your Hands To Yourselves And You Get What You Want. Can't Be That Hard

Alright, Alright.

Ok, Hands Behind Your Back Babe.

Done, Now Come Here And Let Me Kiss You.

I Finally Walked Closer To Her And She Started Kissing Me Desperately. I Could Feel Her Body Fighting Back The Urge To Touch Me. So I Decided To Push Her Further. I Started Kissing Down From Her Jaw To Her Collarbone and Spent Some Extra Minutes There Knowing How Sensitive She Is around That Area. I Could Hear Her Slight Moans And Heavy Breaths And It Only Urged Me On More.

I Grabbed Her Hands And Decided To Put Them On My Chest.

Don't Move Them Anywhere Else. I Told Her As She Began To Play Whit My Nipples.

After What Must Have Felt Like an Eternity To Her She Tried To Move Her Hands, Only To Get Stopped by Me.

Babe......I Need To...

Ah Ah Ah, Don't You Dare Move Your Hands Baby. You Wouldn't Want Me To Stop Would You?

I Took Off Her Flannel And Her Shirt And Started Kissing Down To Her Chest Her Hands Going Behind Her Back Again. I Could Feel Her Body Twitch Everytime She Had To Hold Herself Back To Avoid Touching Me. I Caressed Her Right Arm And Decided To Hold Her Hand Smiling When I Heard Her Sight In Relief At Getting Some Kind Of Contact. I Went Lower And Brought My Lips To Her Abs I Could Hear Her Trying To Stifle Her Moans So I Nipped At Her Lower Abs Right Above Her Mound And I Heard The Prettiest Noice I've Ever Heard Come Out Of Her Mouth.

Did You Like That? I Said Whit A Slight Chuckle.

Um.....Keep Going.

I Looked At Her, My Lips Hovering Over Her Abs Watching Her Skinn Get Goosebumps.

Please...

There We Go, Now Your Starting To Get It. I Say As I Attached My Lips To Her Stomach One More Time.

After A While Of Kissing Up On Her Body, I Stand Up And Press My Body Against Her To Give Her Some Sort Of Relief As I Kiss Her Some More Tracing My Hand Down Getting To Where She Needs Me The Most. I Snake My Hand Down Her Cargo Pants And I Felt Her Shudder Against Me But Before I Get To Where She Needs Me I Pull Away.

No! What Are You Doing? I Haven't Touched You, Why Are You Pulling Away?

Relax Baby, I'm Just Undressing.

Ok, So Let Me Help

Can't Touch Remember

She Huffs Annoyed And I Take The Opportunity To Take In Her Appearance. Her Hair Is Slightly Disabled, Her Lips Are Red And Plump From All The Kissing, Her Abs Have A Few Love Bites And The Bottom Of Her Cargo Pant Is Undone. It Takes Everything In Me Not To Let Her Have Her Way Right Then And There. I Start Undressing Slowly But Surely, Watching Her Follow My Every Move. When I'm Down To Just My Cargos And Bra I Snake My Hand Down My Pants And Start Touching Myself, I Hear Her Gasp Loudly And Catch Her Breath As She Watches. After A Few Minutes Of Hearing Her Whine In Protest At My Teasing, I Take My Hand Out Of My Pants And Prepare For My Last Move. I Slowly Walk Up to Her Body Is Now Shaking In An Attempt To Hold Herself Back As She Leans Against The Mirror Of The Dance Room. I Bring My Hand Up To Her Parted Lips And Push My Two Fingers Into Her Mouth.

Open........

Please Don't........I Won't Be Able To Hold Back If I Taste You.She Said In A Whisper Avoiding My Eyes.

She Was Fighting Herself, And I Could Only Push Further.

Remind Me How Good That Mouth Of Yours Is.

I Say As I Push My Fingers In Her Mouth Hearing Her Whine At The Taste. She Licks Them Clean, Her Eyes Looking Lost And Unfocused And She Finally Has A Taste Of Me. I Snatch Them Out And Hear Her Whine

Want More?

Yes

Beg Then, Tell Me How Bad You Wanna Touch Me. Beg Baby

I Whisper Right Against Her Lips. As My Hand Caresses Her Sides.

All You Have To Do Is Tell Me What You Need And I'll Let You Have At It. I Said As I Pulled Away And Kneeled in front of Her Only To Start Touching Myself Again. After A Few Minutes, I Finally Hear Her Break.

Please........Please........Let Me Touch You......Please.........I Can't Fight Anymore

My Hand Started Going Faster In My Pants And My Moans Became Louder. Hearing Her Normally Steady And Sweet Voice Sound So Broken And Desperate Nearly Sent Me Over The Edge.

Y/n...........Y/n Please......

Such A Whinny Puppy, Aren't You?

I Say In Caught Breaths, I Hear Her Whine Again And My Hands Speeds Up As I'm Nearing The Edge Of My Pleasure.

Y/n Please Stop..........Cant.....No...

I Heard Her Voice Hiccup And Then I Heard The Sniffling. I Opened My Eyes Alarmed Fearing I Had Gone Too Far, And Look Up At Her Face to See Her Eyes In The Brink Of Tears.

Please Let Me Touch You, Please.

I'm Begging Y/n............I Can't Take No More.......Please.....

She Looked Lost And Unfocused. That's When I Realized She Had Gone Into Some Kind Of Subspace. Needing To Touch And Please Me But Being Deprived Of It Sent Her Over The Edge. No Matter How Bad She Wanted It, She Would Always Neglect Herself To Please Me, That Urge To Please Was Also Her Downfall.

I Stand Up And Approach Her, Intent On Calming Her Down.

Shh, I've Got You Baby.

I Say As I Push My Body Against Her, Knowing Physical Contact Would Be The Key To Snap Her Out Of It.

Hey, I'm Right Here Baby I Whisper Gently As I Stroke Her Face.

Look At Me...

Her Eyes Find Mine And I Can See The Tears Swelling In Them She Whimmpers Pitifully. I Put My Forehead Against Hers And Stroke Her Face Gently.

Look At Me...You've Done So Good Baby. Just Tell Me What You Need And I'll Give It To You. What Do You Need?

I Need.....To...Touch You...Taste You...I Just Need You...You Close....Need To Feel YouShe Said Between Hiccups

Alright Baby, I've Got You Alright.

I Took Off The Rest Of My Clothes. I Approached Her And I Kiss Her Cheek And Then Her Lips One Last Time.

Kneel For Me Baby.

I Watch Her Eagerly Kneel in Infront Of Me Ending At Eye Level Whit My Pussy. Something About The Sight Made My Breath Catch In My Throat. Seeing Her, Normally The Dominant Force During Sex Look So Desperate, Unsteady, And Ready To Please Nearly Sent Me Over The Edge. Watching Her Push Her Need For Me Aside, Still Waiting For My Permission To Move Made Me Realize How Much She Truly Loved Me. That Even In Her Most Crude And Vulnerable State She'd Always Respect My Choices And Wait For Me. And Who Was I To Deny Her When She Was Being This Good For Me?

She Was Looking Up At Me Expectantly, Her Eyes Begging Me To Say The Words.

I Grab A Fist Full Of Her Hair And Urged Her Towards My Core.

Go On Love, Have At It, Show Me How Bad You Want My Pussy.

She Moaned As She Leaned Forward. She Was Eating Me Out So Desperately It Was Almost Too Much To Take. I Felt Her Tongue Running Trough Every Inch Of Me, From My Folds To My Clit Which She Was Sucking Adamantly. She Was Lost, She Didn't Even Look Aware Of How Desperate And Harsh She Was Being And I Could Only Relish The Sight. I Was Nearing The Top Of The Cliff As She Kept Going with No Intention Of Stopping

Babe.......Fuck I'm So Close......Keep Going

I Said As I Hold Her Head In Place And Move Against Her Thongue. She Starts Whinning As I Use Her Mouth Moaning Against My Core. It Took One Last Stroke Of Her Thongue To Send Me Over The Edge.

Fuck!! Bada......I'm Coming......Keep Going Baby, Don't Stop......Bada Baby

Umm..........Taste So Good Y/n Keep Coming For Me Baby.

After A Few Minutes Of Riding My High On Her Tongue, I Pull Her Away Which Earned A Disapproving Whine. I Almost Came A Second Time When I Took A Look Down At Her Face. She Was Running Her Thongue Over Her Lips Trying To Get Every Last Drop Of Me, Her Face Was All Wet From My Cum. Yet She Looked Happy And Fulfilled.

You Look So Fucking Hot Right Now. I Whispered

She Looked Up At Me And Smiled Now Looking More Aware And Relaxed.

You Made A Mess On My Face.

You Don't Seem To Mind.

I Don't............ I Love it When You're All Over My Face Like This. Love The Way You Taste.

She Says As She Starts Kissing Gently Kissing Over My Core Again But Before She Could Go Further I Stop Her And Pull Her To The Couch At The Corner Of The Practice Room.

I Know You Wanna Taste Me Again But I'm Gonna Ask You To Be Patient For A Few More Minutes, Ok Baby?You Can Touch Me But I Want To Please You Before I Let You Do Your Thing Again, Is That OK?

Yes........You're Good At This. I Hear Her Whisper.

At What Babe?

At The Hole Taking Control Thing. Don't Get Me Wrong I'm A Hundred Percent Ok With The Way It Is Normally, I Enjoy Pleasing You. But This Was Nice For A Change. The Hole Depriving Me Of You Apart, It Was Nice For A Change.

I Get On Top Of Her And Finally Finish Undressing Her. After Trowing Her Clothes To The Side I Part Her Legs And Relish In The Way Her Wetness Is Quite Literally Running Down The Inside Of Her Thighs. I Don't Hold Back Anymore And Go For It.

You Can Put Your Hands On My Head Now Baby.

She Grabs At My Hair And Pulls Me To Her Pussy Which Is By Now Dripping At The Brink Of Orgasm. I Start Licking Her Up And Down, From Her Folds To Her Clit And So On. After A Few Minutes I Can Tell She's Close.

Fuck......Babe......So Close.....Please Don't Stop, Please......Don't Stop Baby.

I Plunge 2 Fingers In Her Pussy And Start Pumping In And Out While Curling Them Upwards Knowing That's All It Would Take

........Gripping My Fingers So Well.......So Fuckin Tight Baby......

Aahh.....Ahh Babe......Im.....Babe...Coming

There We Go Baby, That's It Come For Me.....Coming For Me So Fuckin Hard

I Say As I Give One Last Push And Finally Feel Her Come Undone

Y/n!!!

I Keep Moving My Fingers Slowly, Helping Her Ride Out Her High As I Climed Up To Kiss Her. Her Eyes Were Unfocused And Dazed. When Her Grip Loosens I Pull Out My Hand Only To See It Covered On Her Cum.

Look At The Mess You Made, My Beautiful Tall Baby.I Say Whit A Light Chuckle

Fuck.......Your Fault.....

She Says Whit A Hazy Look On Her Face. I Start To Move Off Her So I Can Get Us Both Clean But She Stops Me

Nooo, Noo, Stay Close......Need You Close.....Please.....

It's Ok Baby, Just Gonna Clean You Up Alright?

No Need

She Says As Her Eyes Regain Focus And Her Face Takes On A Determined Look.

I'm Going For Round Two Remember.

It's The Last Thing I Heard Before Being Flipped Over.

To Be Continued...

Plz Let Me Know What Yall Think, And if You want Part 2. First time writing so I appreciate the feed back.

[katiefrog217]

10 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks @eviebane for the tag!!

No pressure tagging: @bellisima-writes @knifeforkspooncup @thatskindarough @nik-knight @onceuponapuffin @quoththemaiden

1. How many works do you have on AO3? |

Currently two!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

8,934 if I added right. I've written well beyond that but it's not published or published to AO3.

3. What Fandoms do You Write For?

Currently Good Omens! Back about 10 ish years ago, I used to write a lot of Hetalia and Pokemon (if you were on DA/Quotev and read reader inserts in the 2010s, I'm sorry) and also had a short stint with Yuri on Ice. If we go for never published stuff, Inuyasha.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! I try my best to at least - I really like interacting with comments and seeing what people have to say!

5. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Actually yes - quite a few times! Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if they are still being stolen to this day by random Wattpad users (it was always fucking Wattpad). My fic "Just the Way You Are (BTT X Reader) [yes I was that songfic author - again I'm sorry] was stolen quite often, along with a few others. As a result I'm quite protective over my fics - used to do line editing so I could put my name extremely small in the text so when it was copy pasted my name showed up multiple times haha.

6. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No! I haven't actually - did some creative writing prompts between people in discord before and am part of an ongoing project but as of this moment I haven't. Have helped my girlfriend with her own stuff but that's for the most part her own thing.

7. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Fuck I have to pick ONE? Sweating rn uhhhh... I have two of equal measure I can think of off the top of my head: AziraCrow (Aziraphale x Crowley - Good Omens) and Hualian (Hua Cheng x Xie Lian - Heaven Official's Blessing).

8. What are your Writing Strengths?

If I go off what people tell me: heavily immersive and visual writing. And characterization. And short form story writing.

9. What are your Writing Weaknesses?

My inability to focus on a single project, along with my terrible habit of starting fics on a whim before abandoning it because I have no idea where the story was going in the first place. My ADHD makes my motivation come and go like the wind so I can go months without updating anything, and led to a lot of my old ones getting abandoned. I also have a terrible habit of dragging scenes out because I tend to want to explain a lot of things, which leads me to procrastinate a lot when I can't think of how to describe what I want. I'm trying to get better at it. Oh, and a personal pet peeve of mine is not being able to write a fic under 5k words, because I don't like publishing shorter fics, especially self contained ones. I admire people who are able to publish shorter stories a lot, I just personally get really anxious over putting out something that wasn't at least 5 word document pages long as a chapter.

10. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

If we count unpublished and never seen the light of day, it was Inuyasha. It was a fic called "The Golden Arrow", which was based off a dream I had somewhere in the early 2010's. The only one who saw anything for it was a school friend of mine, and while I generally remember the gist of it, it's been lost to time for the most part, as it was written on an app on an old phone I have but lost the cord to.

If we wanna talk actually published to the internet, I'm pretty sure it was Pokemon.

[batgirlsay]

Striving for Worthiness

A Playlist for Obiyuki Week 2023 by @snowwhite-andtheknight 

While trying to fit the songs to the prompts, this playlist became less about making himself worthy, and more about working through his self-doubt, eventually fading out with some Lilias bonfire feels!

Striving for Worthiness

Kiss of Life- The Dear Hunter (Day 1: Attraction) As Above, So Alone- Copeland (Day 2: Worship from Afar) Whatever’s Left- Snow Patrol (Day 3: Declaration of Devotion) Circles- Anberlin (Day 4: Virtuous Rejection- Indecision) Not Strong Enough- Boygenius (Day 5: Renewed Wooing) Bed Head- Manchester Orchestra (Day 6: Heroic Deeds of Valor) Shut Your Eyes- Snow Patrol (Day 7: Consummation of Secret Love)

Summary lyrics are cited after the cut:

Kiss of Life- The Dear Hunter (Day 1: Attraction to the Lady)

Give me more than the things that I live for I'm only echoes of the man that I'm supposed to be Because I want more of the things I'd die for I want to feel it in my soul Now that you've unburied me, dust me off and carry me home And I beg you sing life to me again I promise this won't happen again Because it would be so wonderful to see your starry eyes again

As Above, So Alone- Copeland (Day 2: Worship of the Lady from Afar)

And I know you love me Even when you can't say it like you mean it But no one has ever seen my Soul unfettered the way you are I wake but layers of a dream Lay over everyone I see But how is it so, my world looks different now But no one knows?

Whatever’s Left- Snow Patrol (Day 3: Declaration of Passionate Devotion)

A feeling I've had many times before I can't hold the fort, so don't give me more I struggle and sweat when I'm wide awake And I know I'm fine, I'm not used to fine As the madness sets in You must know that I'll follow you

Circles- Anberlin (Day 4: Virtuous Rejection- Indecision)

I set to search the ruins I looked inward to find I keep running into circles Lost myself to find me Left him there to just bleed Running into circles to find myself Are we all looking for someone To see us for who we really are? Because as long as we know ourselves No one could ever get that far

Not Strong Enough- Boygenius (Day 5: Renewed Wooing with Oaths of Virtue)

I don't know why I am the way I am Not strong enough to be your man I try, I can't stop staring at the ceiling fan and Spinning out about things that haven't happened Breathing in and out Half a mind that keeps the other second guessing Close my eyes and count

Bed Head- Manchester Orchestra (Day 6: Heroic Deeds of Valor)

Let me relinquish and start to distinguish my past, and my time There is only love and fire, so Let me extinguish the habit, the sequence, the loss, in my mind Right by the entrance, you broke Finally, reality's taking its hold You're not who you were, but you can't let it go You're not where you're from, but you're always alone So I stick a flag in the ground I think I know who I'm living for now I am what I am, same above as the ground It's not what I want, but I'm figuring it out

Shut Your Eyes- Snow Patrol (Day 7: Consummation of the Secret Love)

Shut your eyes and think of somewhere Somewhere cold and caked in snow By the fire, we break the quiet And when the worrying starts to hurt And the world feels like graves of dirt Just close your eyes until You can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

[bloodyknucklesforme]

Don't Blame Me 2.0 | Sneak Peak

So here's just a little sneak peak of my re write of Don't Blame Me. I've been wanting to revisit this for a while. I will post the rest of it in one go probably on Ao3 for ease but here's just a little peak of some of the extended stuff I'm doing. This is probably chapter 1 or 2. I haven't decided the order yet. It is 100% new material and I hope it gives a good example of what the rest of the re write is gonna be. Hope you enjoy 💕

Word Count: 2k

Nina stared up at the ceiling. It was ugly. Grayish plaster smeared across to form a minuscule mountain range. She was angry at them with their manmade topography. She wanted to climb up and scrape them smooth. She wanted to destroy something without consequence. 

The bed in the safe house was too hard and the covers were too thin. Made it impossible to sleep and yet she’d spent the past three days laying in it. She missed the warm comfort of her old bed, layers of wool blankets and a fluffy down mattress. She missed the feathers that poked her in the middle of the night. 

Kyle, sat guard by the door - rifle in hand. The curtains always drawn close. She’d long lost track of time, only gauging when offered food. Shopping bags laid scattered across the floor. Price had bought clothes, guessing her size and getting it wrong most of the time. She’d finally asked for something warm and big. 

He’d come back with a large navy sweatshirt and grey sweatpants. They were nice and soft and the sweatshirt was large enough she could tuck her knees inside of it and pull her hands into the sleeves. A small comfort. 

She didn’t like it here but she wasn’t given a choice. Hunted like an animal across countries and continents. All because of her father. Some people may be attached together with red string but he was the rope around her neck. 

The house somehow felt more sterile than the hospital they had her at initially. She didn’t like it there either with doctors and nurses constantly prodding her. Taking blood for various tests, physical exams where she was expected to strip for strangers. Their hands were always cold. 

A week ago she hadn’t even seen another person in years and now she didn’t think any part of her had gone untouched. She’d fought and screamed every time they pulled another needle out. They’d had to sedate her after she kicked a nurse in the shoulder and almost knocked her over. Price stepped in at that point and refused to let them do any more tests or exams until she’d relaxed. She never got the chance.

She woke up to a man forcing his way into the room. Kyle dragged her out of bed and into a corner, ripping an IV out of her arm. Price had met the man at the threshold. The intruder got one good hit in before Price slammed his head into the door. 

Her stomach flipped, hearing his skull crack. Death wasn’t an unfamiliar face but she ached having seen him so often recently. How many just in the past week? She’d lost count. Blood dripped down the door, like a bug that got squished. 

Kyle was holding her arm, bandaging where the IV got ripped out.

“We’re moving her.” Price said. “Now!”

Kyle scooped her up easily, carrying her bridal style, down the halls and stairs of the hospital. 

“Kate, I need a safe house.” Price barked into a radio. Nina clung to Kyle, letting herself get carried away once again. It had been futile to fight previously so she allowed it now. She also didn’t want to complain about not walking across the parking deck barefoot. 

Price drove while Kyle sat in the back, having her lay down on the seats next to him. She stayed quiet, she was good at that. Quiet and surviving. They drove what felt like hours around London in order to lose any possible tails. Eventually Price pulled into an underground parking deck and they switched cars. 

The Russian was driving this time, she believed his name was Nik. A large white utility van. She sat with her back against the side. Her feet were cold. Kyle and Price flanked her. She felt like she should be wearing a black bag over her head. 

It was dark when they got to the safe house. A coat was thrown over her head and she was kept bent over as they led her inside. Lights off until the blinds could be pulled shut. 

“You should be safe here. Kyle will keep watch over ya,” Price assured, holding her shoulders. She was older than he was when they last saw each other. A stranger but the only person on Earth who seemed to remember her name.  A friend of her father’s, his sergeant. He’d stop by their on base house often enough to be a familiar face. He got her a birthday gift once or twice. He’d had dinner with her family. She felt ashamed to say she hadn’t thought about him in years yet there he was at the edge of the world to hold her on the helicopter ride home. “How are you feeling Nina?”

“I’m okay.” What else was there to say? It felt like the ground was constantly collapsing under her and she was treading ice water. “I’m tired.”

“Let’s get the bedroom set up for you.” He rubbed her back as he led her upstairs. She waited in the hall as he checked over the room and pulled the blinds shut. She was glad they left her alone to sleep, even if one of them was always outside the cracked open door. She’d barely left the bed since. Kyle had moved a chair in at one point.

“Just keeping you company.” He smiled. She imagined the true reason was so he could stop her if she tried to kill herself. There was a reason she had to ask for any pain medication, there were no knives in the kitchen and the sweatpants came without strings. Truthfully she didn’t have the motivation for all that. 

She thought about taking another shower or maybe a bath. Hot water on demand was another comfort. Something she’d missed. 

She got up wordlessly and walked into the ensuite bathroom. Bottles, jars and tubes also scattered across the counter. Kyle had explained what it all did. Moisturiser, cleanser, masks and other words she didn’t remember. She slathered it all on anyway. It did make her skin feel less tight. If it made a physical difference, she wouldn’t know. The mirror was gone. 

Kyle had taken it off the wall the day before. She’d needed his help turning on the water. Her reflection frightened her. She knew she was older, a woman of twenty five. She still expected to see a little girl staring back at her. In a way there was, how small she looked. How starved she looked. She didn’t like her skin or hair or her face at all really. Price had remarked how much she looked like her mother. She couldn’t even hold her face in her mind. She knew that she never looked sick like this. As tattered and forgotten. 

She’d hung a towel over the edges of the mirror. Kyle took it down and she put it back up. He seemed to understand and it was laid in the hallway facing the wall the next morning. 

She filled the tub with steaming water and squirted some soap into it. She wasn’t allowed to lock the door so she left it cracked to let the steam out. She sunk down till her nose barely scraped the water’s edge. She soaked until the bubbles all popped and disappeared and her skin was pruned. 

There was a knock on the door. 

“The captain is going to be back soon with food,” Kyle broke the hours-long silence. He was extraordinarily kind to her despite having not said more than a couple words to him over the past days. “He asked if there’s anything else you want or need.”

“I’m okay,” she said. She didn’t know what she needed or wanted. Everything seemed like a distant dream, half real. She thought about the things she ate as a child and wondered what was real and what was some elaborate coping daydream. It all just seemed out of her grasp. 

“…Nina?” He asked. It still felt weird to hear people say her name aloud. It was something she had kept like a secret for so long. “Do you like cake?”

She could hear the smile in his voice. She didn’t remember the last time she had cake. Her 11th birthday maybe. 

“I can have Price pick some up for you. I’d say you deserve it.”

“I’d like that…thank you, Kyle.”

“I’ll text him.”

Price arrived a little less than an hour later. She was back in bed, wearing the same sweatshirt and pants. Kyle had shown her how to work the telly. There was nothing familiar on. 

Price had given up on getting her to eat anywhere but her bed, bringing up the food with a tray. 

“Thank you,” She said as he laid a plate of lamb, rice and veggies in front of her. The three of them ate in silence as she periodically flipped through the channels on the telly. 

“What day is it?” she asked as another holiday ad came on. 

“December sixteenth,” Kyle answered around a bite of lamb. 

She didn’t realise Christmas was so close. She changed the channel again, wanting to avoid any possibility of raising hope. 

“Gaz, take the dishes downstairs. I need to talk to Nina.” Price said as they finished eating. She thanked Kyle as he took her plate and pulled her knees to her chest. 

Price had a serious look on his face, more serious than usual. 

“We have to move you again.” He said. She nodded, chewing on the idea of having to leave again.

“Why?”

“My contact in M16 believes there’s a leak and you’re at risk again. They shouldn’t have known what hospital you were in.” He sat down on the edge of the bed. “These men are dangerous, Nina. They believe you know where your father is.”

“I don’t.”

“I know you don’t, love. We’re working on tracking them down but until we do you need to be kept safe. You’re going to the United States tomorrow afternoon.”

“The United States? Why all the way there?”

“It’ll be easier to hide you. You’ll be under cover, new name, travelling with one of my mine.”

“Kyle?”

“No, unfortunately I need him here.”

“Then who?” She wasn’t sure if she trusted anyone else. She wasn’t even sure if she could trust Price. 

“His name is John.”

“Your name is John.”

“Different John.” He chuckled. “MacTavish. A scot. He’ll look after you.” He patted her shoulder. “Get some rest. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

“Price?”

“Yes, love?”

“Will I ever be safe?”

He laid his hands on her shoulders and got eye level with her. 

“I will make you safe.” He said firmly, like he believed it to be true. “Try to get some sleep. Lots to brief on tomorrow.”

The idea of having to move again twisted her stomach. More helicopters? More high speed chases down mountain roads? More bullets whizzing by? Her hands were shaking already. She pulled her arms into her sweatshirt and scratched at them. Every red line was a release of tension in her body. Another strange man who’s side she would be tucked into. She knew Price wouldn’t put her with someone who would hurt her, at least not knowingly. 

There was a knock on the door.

“Nina? Can I come in?” Kyle asked. 

“Uh…yeah…you can.” She pushed her arms back through her sleeves. He was smiling as he came in. A pastry box and fork in hand. 

“Price says you need protein but cake has eggs so I think it counts.” He handed her the box. She laid it in her lap and opened it. It was a small chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and cadbury flakes on top. Her mouth watered. She wanted to feel the sugar grit against her teeth. 

“Thank you, Kyle.” She said, holding the box close. There was a time when she was younger and she used to close her eyes and imagine a great big party with cake and balloons and streamers and friends and her family. She held onto that fantasy for a long time. She hoped the cake tasted as good as it did in her head. 

“Eat it all if you want but don’t get sick, yeah?” He handed her the fork before going to leave. “Soap’s a decent bloke. He’ll take care of you.”

What a stupid nickname, she thought as she stabbed her fork into the centre of the cake and dug out a chunk. 

It was better than she imagined. 

I would also like to shout out some of the people who've supported this story over the past year. There are more than I could ever list (I'm adding as I remember usernames) but thank you all so much

@macravishedbymactavish @queen-ilmaree @argella1300 @purplemarmar @devcica @avidreadee123 @water-bearz @glitterypirateduck @murdersheghostwrote @sea--biscuit @coolmaybelateruniverse @pssytrux @mykneeshurt @yearningforsappho @celestiialspheres @fleetwoodmoth

I appreciate more than y'all could ever know 💕

[feuqueerfire]

23.5 Eps 9 - 12 Live Blogging

well... I started watching an on-air show after a long time (February 2023 Never Let Me Go, I'm not counting Our Skyy 2) and I really just binged the first 8 episodes and fell off lol. Interestingly, I also had to binge the last 4 eps of NLMG because I stopped keeping up weekly after ep 8 (though I did watch eps 4 - 8 on a weekly basis before that).

Anyway, I wasn't feeling a Need to come back to this show because I found the resolution to Ongsa-Earth underwhelming and the reaction I've seen to these last few episodes has also been middling, so hmm idk. I'm also just not in the mood for high school shows right now (I Will Knock You is also on-hold rip), so it feels a bit unfair to this show to watch it when I'm not in the mood but what can you do? I don't want to leave it hanging even after the show ends.

Ep 9: When The Earth Tilts (May 22/23)

9-1

aughhh I really don't know if I should make myself just watch this or not because they're being cute but I just... kinda don't care. I'm indeed in the mood for something more dramatic but I also think I'm just apathetic toward them the way I became toward Akk and Ayan as soon as The Eclipse finished airing and also to Palm and Nueng toward the end of the show (although I loveeee Palm and Nueng now after some time has passed, so maybe that'll be the case here too?)

the introduction of the exchange program

Oh, dad and Ongsa just moved to Bangkok and they're getting to live as a full family, so I guess Alpha and mom lived here before

Aw, Aylin interacting with them and forcing her mouth to do smiles to try to fit in/communicate with human family

I... watched 10 mins the whole day, rip

am I being unnecessarily harsh on this show or does the conversation not seem... natural between Onsga and Sun like it's just a bike riding scene and it should be fine but why am I just like... this isn't how people talk.

at first I was like nooo Ayling shouldn't need to put on makeup to fit in the way she was trying at lunch with Alpha and Ongsa but it's cute if she wants to do it herself before meeting with Luna heh

khun faen hehe

pls not the two pairs competing

9-2

aw, Teacher Nida and Bambam helping an insecure Alpha

9-3

chef Alpha omg

no more P'Ton flirting, we have progressed past the need for P'Ton flirting

Aylin basically pieing his face was so deserved, idc that Ton helped Ongsa and Sun or whatever, he's annoying

oh nooo my poor overwhelmed Aylin

9-4

1 year scholarship to America

and now the guilt of Alpha telling Sun to not leave Ongsa, oh no

is this their first I love you? I can't remember

ahhhh the towel scene + kisses

lol I know how the scene ends because of spoilers but I would've lost my damn mind while waiting if I didn't know lol

I wasn't really into it at the start of this ep but I liked it again by the end!

I didn't mind Luna asking Aylin to socialize more with her family because it's a fairly small step since she already spends time with them and I think it'd be good for Aylin to push herself a bit out of her comfort zone and realize the benefits of maintaining relationships but the stuff at the end was too much, like why must Aylin sit at the table for lunch with a bunch of Luna's friends when she already struggles with people? I hope Luna thinks it through more next ep and apologizes but I'm nervous that that won't be the case based on some fan reactions, though idk if that was to ep 9 or ep 10.

Ep 10: (May 23/24)

10-1

plss Alpha with the knife truly is so funny

ah, Sun's out to her parents + they know Ongsa's her gf but Ongsa didn't know they knew everything

...not keeping secrets

and vaguely hypothetically asking about distance and time

10-2

secrets plaguing Aylin and Sun

oh, Sun's telling Ongsa. and she hasn't even taken the test yet and doesn't know if they'll make it. honestly a pretty good time to get Ongsa, no misunderstandings or really much secrecy yet

10-3

Teacher Bambam and Nida lmfaooo Bambam reading all the tarot cards correctly but not picking up on them being about HER!!

I feel like we've been finally learning more about Sun these past 2 eps through this scholarship and her desire for it

DON'T GIVE UP SCHOLARSHIP AND EXCHANGE PROGRAM AND NEW EXCITING EXPERIENCE FOR THIS RANDOM HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIP

not even TESTING for the scholarship?!?! girl pls

I went to bed and was supposed to watch the last part before going to sleep but I didn't feel like watching Sun out Ongsa (maybe? based on a bit of the Next Part teaser at the end) so I'm here the next morning

10-4

my Aylin !!! :(

but also like... is it that big of a reveal that Aylin was bullied? feels like More should've been said or explored here?

I'm gonna smack Ton

the teachers confession!! hehe

Ongsa's right to tell Sun to pursue her exchange program dreams

okay Sun's outing of Aylin was accidental and I'll give it a pass because she's a teenager who has grown up in a very accepting home and they're all out at school, so she didn't think before mentioning the 3rd wheeling thing

but she should realize that Ongsa's trying to steer the conversation away and back off

instead of confronting Ongsa and outing her in front of her parents and wtf is "so you're never gonna tell them about me?" why is 'never' coming up here? you've barely been dating bruh and haven't discussed anything. like she could've been upset at Ongsa for keeping her a secret without feeling the need to declare it in front of her parents when Ongsa doesn't want to come out

and then just Leaving and riding away on P'Sunny after doing all that?!?!?

I've seen that Ongsa's the one who has to apologize to Sun apparently and I don't want to watch that at all.

Ep 11: (May 24)

11-1

indeed you should've been mad at finding out Ongsa's Earth, would've made more sense than here.

NO MORE TON, ENOUGH

11-2

do I care about Tin and Mawin? I cared more earlier on in the show but now idk

why is there so much Ton, he and Charoen better not end up together like she literally does not like that man

I don't really get the 'you don't understand me at all' thing tbh

11-3

parental acceptance

another series mention of worrying about disappointing the parents

the thing is I just feel like coming out isn't only about "you worry too much about what others think" like that's not the same category as Ongsa not telling anybody about Sun and her dating because Sun's popular while she's not. It has more to do with possible pushback and violence from her own family where she didn't feel safe enough to come out. and i just don't like that coming out and being publicly with a girl is treated as the same thing as 'caring too much about other people'

and like make your home and environment a very explicitly queer-accepting space so that your daughter isn't so afraid of coming out to you and doesn't know what reaction to expect wtf

11-4

losing my entire mind at the Luna/Aylin scene, they're soooo cute, I'm soooo giddy hehehehehehe

Sun's parents at least telling her to not change for the one she loves

and Sun says sorry too

long-distance incoming, i'm guessing we'll get some time skip next ep

So close to the finale, finally

Ongsa sending Sun Hundreds of texts and going to her home at night is why. at least Sun called her out on the texts + acting unhinged publicly about the sun, but why have her go to Sun's house at night while Sun's explicitly ignoring her and knock and text and stuff. at least Alpha was taking her away but still. I'll overlook it (kinda how I still was so into PaiSky in Love In The Sky despite Pai's endless SIMs and calling) but it's been noted.

Ep 12: Promise Me... Sun (May 24)

It's a shame that my feeling is glad that I'm almost done rather than being sad about reaching the end.

12-1

Aylin, I freaking love youuuuuu, cutieeeeeee

12-2

terrible cook Ongsa, so true, same girl

12-3

the merch alien hat

at least we're not getting Ton with Cheroen

12-4

Grade 11... were they in grade 10 before?

the separation being in the literal last part is later than I expected

Aylin putting the Luna love note in her mouth hehehe

Nida/Bambam plssss lmfaoo

no! Ton and Charoen are not in love, leave her aloneeeeeeeeee

Aylin is such a trickster when it comes to getting kisses hehehehehehhe

no more glasses for Ongsa, I saw this on a Tumblr post and was like ?! >:(

reunited

Overall:

GMMTV's first GL and MilkLove's first full GL; I was super excited, especially after having watched MilkLove in Bad Buddy and the Magic of Zero special, which is why I started watching this on-air (thought I'd start it even earlier than ep 8 but didn't because of exams). So it's a shame that I feel so... nothing about the show, especially the main couple; I think Aylin/Luna is my fave ship in here. I think I also just wasn't much in the mood for a silly high school romance series right now, which isn't the show's fault but contributed to why I didn't feel the pull to continue watching the show. When I did watch it, it could get pretty cute though, I giggled/gushed a few times, especially about Luna and Aylin. The teachers' storyline was cute too, though barely there. Aylin was the MVP for sure.

Rating: 6/10

[intosnarkness]

So IDK if any of you are interested, but I felt the need to write a sort of DVD commentary for Adding on Weight talking about easter eggs and inspirations.

General

Working title was "Die a Boring Death" but I decided that it didn't make sense past chapter 5.

I spent a lot of time trying to find something about longing, about wanting someone to want something. About wanting to be wanted, or wanting in general. I never found it and I'm not sure I like the title I landed on. 

(The song after the chapter is where the title is from.)

Chapter 1: Dial Drunk, Noah Kahan

I moved the timeline of the book because I wanted everyone to have more time to feel consequences. Kaz gets happy years before he gets imprisoned. Matthias is in Hellgate for longer. Everyone has a long enough time to actually work through the grief because I don't have to write YA where they're 17 years old.

Sir was originally 2 characters; a heavy and a talky guy. By the time I got to chapter 5 and knew what was going to happen when Kaz escaped, I knew I had to cut them to one. So we lost the talky guy and Sir just became more odious.

Kaz eats an apple because this is his Kobyashi Maru

The assignment was originally to wipe out the principal of the debt. Once I did math, that wasn't going to be near enough of an impetus.

The chef Kaz works for is named Kooken, which is just the Dutch word for "cook"

Chapter 2: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

The party was not the original idea here, at the point of writing this chapter I didn't have the inciting crime totally figured out (originally Jordie just lost money he was carrying, but that wasn't good enough later to imprison and brutalize Kaz) and so I had this idea that he'd been breaking into the office of the brothel and doing like… audits that got him attention. And Pekka was going to send him to a Mercher's home to get their financial information. I scrapped that when I decided Pekka was going to be our major villain.

The entire point of this chapter was to get Kaz in eyeliner

No actually, the idea of Kaz being forced to sit on Pekka's lap and count cards came extremely early in the process, as did the idea of it being where Inej sees the potential. Originally she was going to be a Dreg lieutenant but I didn't want to have to deal with Per Haskell, so I gave her a gang of her own.

The tattoo knife thing would absolutely not work in reality. 

Card counting is not that reliable. 

The tray of glasses was a very late addition to the story, but I fell in love with the idea of Kaz having glass stuck in him that no one will help him with but Nina.

I always think the trope of a person sitting in the shadows waiting for another person is ridiculous because it implies that they broke in and sat in the dark for hours waiting. Doing fuck all. I still made Inej do it.

Chapter 3: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

The chapter that boygenuis wrote, this whole thing is a mix between revolution 0 and afraid of heights

I just want to know/who broke your nose/figure out where they live/so I can kick their teeth in

There's been a run of fires downtown/On half-built construction sites/I know you never liked a townhouse/I've seen you climb a crane at night/If they ever catch you at it/I know you'd want me to be proud/That you took a rich man's dream/And brought it with you on your way down

Kaz thinks the Jam Tart House is a stupid name because I do. Who names a house that? But it's in the book!

They're drinking fantasy Strongbow at the night market.

Kaz crawling into Inej's bed is, to me, the saddest scene of this entire fic.

Chapter 4: Stick Season, Noah Kahan

A deck of cards and book of tricks gets left in Kaz's room, but he doesn't stop to think about who left them there. This is Inej, wanting him to want things.

"Good days" here is lying in wait for Jesper's question six chapters later. 

The client Kaz kills was an early idea, that he'd be set off by the word "daddy". Mostly because I am. 

The Floating Place is pure dissociation. Brought to you by my mental illnesses.

"So break me. Or buy me." is one of my favorite lines.

Kaz makes more than $1,200 a night. At the end of 8 years, assuming no days off and no fines, he would have made $3,504,000. He has paid off his principal 54 times. 

We learn later that his debt is held at 500% interest, which means at the end of 8 years with 0 payments he would have owed $221,709,240,000.

Kaz is getting fucked by the interest.

"Young, dumb, and down for everything" was originally "young, dumb, and full of come" but I couldn't bring myself to put that in a story.

Inej's story changed a few times, mostly her age at the time of the raid. At first she was 14 when it happened, but I needed more time for her father to drink himself to death and her to hunt down slavers before getting to Ketterdam. So now I imagine she left Ravka on her mission around 14.

Chapter 5: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

Kaz's birthday is canonically in December or January, so I believe my exact idea for this scene was December 20. That's my mom's birthday.

Kaz's Kaelish is actually the gaelic for "you are an excellent lover"

Jesper's comment about using the curtains to hang youself is due to the way Margret Atwood describes Offred's room in the Handmaid's Tale. 

Getting them in year four would mean Kaz was 17, so after the leg, which he refers to as "breaking him beyond repair" later.

Kaz doesn't put on shoes because I wasn't sure he would own a pair. Why would he?

The Sir fight scene was originally much shorter, but I liked the idea of Kaz getting a little beat up.

I kinda regret killing Sir here. I should have done it after chapter 8, it would have meant more to the audience.

""No," he says. "I'm right here." was originally the last line of the story.

And then she's gone/And then he's alone is a reference to Come From Away and you can pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Kaz hiding under the bed is inspired by the one scene in The Haunting of Hill House that I have never watched, where the Tall Man comes for his hat.

Inej brings coffee because Kaz wished for coffee in chapter 1 as a luxury he didn't get. She doesn't know it, but I do.

Chapter 6: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

Going to the exchange to see his debt posted was a night before publishing add or I would have written the entire scene. I should have.

I had to think of a reason for Inej to be painting. In reality, I think she just finds Ketterdam ugly and needs the beauty in her life.

"Wool socks" is inspired by that viral Danny Pudi clip 

I imagined Inej did a lot of the "hanging head first in a canal while the tide comes in" type murders because then she can tell herself that if the Saints want them to live, they will.

"Don't come into my club and refuse my hospitality" is based on something my grandfather would say if we came to his restaurant and weren't hungry. You could order a plate of nothing, but you had to order something. 

Kaz mentions that he should learn people's names here. By chapter 14, he will know the name of every Razorgull he meets.

Chapter 7: Dial Drunk, Noah Kahan

I forgot about the first tattoo knife for a long time and had to go back and write it in. I believe Nina had it with her on Heist Night.

Kaz's back being scarred from beatings was a decision I made because I needed him to be damaged in ways people didn't know about to echo his insides. 

This is the only time the word "rape" is used in the entire fic.

The private room where they have dinner is based very specifically on one at the Palm that my parents rented out for my dad's birthday once. There are fewer caricatures in Kaz and Inej's.

"Secret for a secret" was the only way I could make Kaz talk in this scene.

Chapter 8: revolution 0, boygenuis

Is the whistle Inej uses (and Wylan does later) the conflict motif from West Side story? I'll never tell.

Inej in the meeting with Pekka is heavily inspired by a specific Space Pirate RP Pixy and I did 12 years ago. "I didn't do it and you can't prove it" was her character's MO there.

$60,000 at 500% for 40 years would end up being $1,764,509,279,127,346,261,335,823,263,022,972,928 with 0 payments. 

We know Kaz makes more than $1200 a night, and works 7 days a week. Assuming he never had a day off and never incurred a fine, he would make $17,520,000 in 40 years. 

He was always fucked. 

I very nearly cut the leg breaking scene because it was just that brutal. I expected more people to be disgusted with Sir afterwards, anyway. This is why I shouldn't have killed him so early. If he was in the room for Kaz's flashback it would have hit harder.

The style of the leg breaking is deeply inspired by my friend Ruby, who writes such beautiful horrors.

Chapter 9: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

Kaz counting his kisses starting over is something I borrowed from Natasha Romanoff fic. It doesn't count if you had to do it.

I also do not know how to make dry coffee be wet coffee but that's because I hate coffee.

Inej gets to show her smarts here, she knows what Kaz saw even if he still doesn't. He never mentions two sets of books, but she recognizes the behavior and names it.

Inej does angry dishes as a homage to my college friend Elle who used to clean my dorm room when she was pissed off.

Chapter 10: revolution 0, boygenuis

Originally Nina was going to be able to control dissociation a lot better until I reread her intro in SOC and she specifically says she can't control the brain. That's when I invented plan B for the heist: fantasy roofies.

Jesper and Kaz are flirting while picking locks and I ship it.

"You've been through it" is in fact the most insane way I could think of to respond to "I wish I could have picked locks so fewer people would have assaulted me," which is in itself a BUCK WILD thing to say.

The affidavit was a late addition. I needed Kaz to be more afraid.

"Torpor of constant terror" would be a good band name

Originally the painting had a representation of Kaz and Inej in it, but that felt too obvious to me.

Chapter 11: revolution 0, boygenuis

Inej is wearing a fantasy Sari. Kaz specifically got 9 yds of silk for it.

It is raining because something has to go wrong in a heist and it can't be something that the characters could have planned for. Adding it allowed me to slow down the escape from Pekka's office later (sealing the tray) and also set Kaz on high alert so he'd be more susceptible to the panic later

Chapter 12: Cool About It, boygenuis

Describing a person as "built like a ship- wide and low" gave me great joy.

The cloche tray was one of those happy accidents I wrote in that turned into a gift. Initially it was just a tray. Then it had a fork. Then it was a ledger containment device. But that all happened organically.

Originally Jesper left the code in his pants in the ceiling, but I decided that was a stupid mistake to make and I didn't want him to look incompetent.

The guards absolutely smell the acid and that's what brings them into the room.

Chapter 13: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

The chapter of badass lines

There are 0 hits on google for the phrase "upstanding young criminal", which I was sure I stole from somewhere.

The tattoo knife being Kaz's weapon here was planned from chapter 2. I loved the idea of Kaz stabbing Pekka with a knife made of the ink Pekka put on him.

Maybe someday I will write a story about Dime Lion Hostage girl, because I love her an irrational amount.

The hero/corpse line gave me so much joy that I told it to my roommate who also thought I plagiarized it. I did not.

I knew Kaz had to think something happened to Inej, but I was disgusted at the idea of actually hurting her in a sexual way. In the first draft of this scene, I still didn't know why Pekka wanted to get her alone and I wrote a whole monologue about them joining forces and it was extremely bad.

I considered having Kaz tell Pekka that his son had already signed a contract to be a closer analogue to the book, but it just didn't make sense for this Kaz.

Chapter 14: House By The Sea, Moddi

Do not jump out of third story windows. I did a lot of research about this, you will injure yourself.

Here we have the first hint that Kaz has actually integrated into the Gulls, even if he doesn't know it yet. When he bursts into the guard shack Dael (who I also love?) speaks to him, and not Jesper.

The guardroom questions between Jesper and Kaz are my least favorite scene in this story. It feels like plain exposition to me, but it needed to happen and I never figured out how to make it better.

"You should see the other guy" is what Jesper said back in chapter 4 when he got stabbed. It was my brother's go-to response when he was hurt after wrestling matches in high school and college.

"I've been worse" is what Kaz told Nina back in chapter 2 after the beating. It's what I tend to say when someone at work asks me how I am.

Kerstan, the Razorgull who gives Kaz a blanket, is roughly 9 years old. I know his backstory vaguely (he is Dael's little brother), but mostly he's meant to invoke feelings of "what the fuck" in Kaz

I went back and forth about the scene with the caning scars. I almost cut it, but in the end I wanted Inej to assert that she loved Kaz, and I wanted Kaz to be able to tell her that he wasn't ready for her to love him that way, but he wanted to be.

Pekka in draft 1 was the captain of the ship, but if he was running the Dime Lions when Kaz was 9-13, that would only give him a few years to get to that position. So I adjusted him to the owner. 

Chapter 15: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

I had the worst time with this chapter, it got rewritten about 90 times

This piece of paper (below) reads "Open before fall/house by the sea/contracts" as the three things I needed to remember to keep in it through the drafts. It was taped next to my computer.

Inej is talking about the Ice Court when she talks about the big job

This is the only chapter that was NOT finished when I started posting. I didn't know what the last line would be, but I knew I'd find it in editing. 

[killian-whump]

I’m sorry if I bother you, I’ve come for advice since I think you’ve dealed with this kind of stuff before. Since I was 11 years old I’ve been a fan of a cartoon character. He’s been my comfort character all my life. Back in the early 2000’s I had a fan page devoted to him. I attended a few cons where I met his Voice Actor and this character has been a very important part of my life. (1/6)

When I turned 21 I had a little picture of him tattoed in my arm. Few years ago I got a Twitter account for this character (since I don’t have the fan page anymore). All this time I’ve been posting pictures, quotes, little videos, merchandising, etc. I don’t interact with people or anything, I just post my stuff and continue with my life. I had around 1200 followers. (2/6)

About 10 days ago I noticed I had lost like 200 followers overnight. I thought it was strange but I didn’t really care because I’m not the kind of person who counts followers. Then I started to get hate messages, basically telling me that because I’m an adult, maintaining a Twitter account for a cartoon character was weird and it means I’m a pedophile. (3/6)

I’ve never talked to anyone, I guess they figured out I’m an adult since I always post stuff from the 90’s and all, but my account is clean and there’s nothing there to make anyone think I’m a creep or anything. Thing is, they have been attacking me for more than a week, I’ve lost almost 700 followers and I honestly don’t know what’s going on, where did this come from or what’s happening. (4/6)

The person I think started everything (because she’s the most vocal insulting me) is a teenager Egyptian-American girl I don’t even know. For now I’ve been ignoring everything, not a single comment, not a reply, just acting as if I hadn’t even noticed what’s going on. But it’s stressing me. I’ve thought about closing my account but I love it and also, I did nothing wrong and I don’t want to act guilty. (5/6)

Also, I don’t want to interact with teenagers or discuss with them. At this point I don’t know what to do and I’m very sad. My only “mistake” there is being an adult… but this cartoon character has been my comfort character since I was 11. How do you deal with stuff like this, with the haters and all? Any advice? Thank you so much! – The Cartoon Girl (6/6)

Hi Cartoon Girl ❤️ Let me first give you some hugs and tell you how very sorry I am that you're going through this. You're being bullied, and that's a terrible thing to go through no matter what age you are or what "reasons" the bullies have for picking on you.

As for your age... There's no age limit on fandom. And there's no age limit on cartoons. I've been a life-long fan of cartoons, and one of my favorite characters ever is Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls. For that matter, there's no age limit on loving children's media in general. I'm a big ol' Muppets fangirl, and I adore Sesame Street and all of the characters on it. I'm also a lover of picture books! I've liked cartoons and children's media for the first 40+ years of my life - I expect I'll continue liking 'em for the next 40+ as well 🙂

Ultimately, beyond the "growing pains" of childhood, puberty, and the teenage years, people don't really change all that much as they grow older. I'd say by about 20 or so, your core personality is mostly set. If you like playing video games or watching cartoons or reading comic books... Well, you're probably still going to enjoy those things at 30 and at 40 and at 50... and beyond. And I think most people past their 20s understand that, because they've seen it happen with themselves.

But younger people often live under this delusion that one day they'll magically "grow up" and cast aside their child-like interests and traits and become old. They'll suddenly live for cooking and cleaning and child-rearing, and they'll thrive in a 9-5 work environment of water cooler conversations and golf on the weekends. That doesn't happen. It's a fantasy. Nobody ever "grows up" that way. We just add candles on our birthday cakes and become fatter and grayer versions of the same person we were last year.

So I absolutely understand the frustrations of being an older person in fandom - hell, being an older person in general. Young people are almost like a different species at times, because they take everything so seriously but they understand so little about how life actually works. And, of course, you can't tell them this, because they're certain they know everything and old people could never understand them - despite the fact that every single one of us was young once and understands all too well just how ignorant and terrified we were then.

It's that ignorance and fear that drives a lot of the "hate" towards older people online and/or in fandom. Seeing older people who haven't "grown up" and grown out of "childish" interests like cartoons or video games goes against that magical belief that one day they too will "grow up" and become a thriving, successful adult. It means either there's something "wrong" with that adult online who's actively participating in "young people" activities... or maybe there isn't a magical "growing up" phenomenon and they're going to have to try to acclimate to "adult life" as the person they already are.

At any rate, that's no excuse for the kind of bullying you're experiencing. It sounds to me like someone is spearheading a targeted hate campaign against you specifically and claiming you're a predator. That goes FAR beyond the usual age-related fandom squabbles and generational drama. Unfortunately, there's not much I can say or do to help you with this situation. Bullies do what they do because they like doing it. Their actions make them feel powerful and in control; they beat down others to ease their own anxieties and avoid having to deal with their own weaknesses and troubles. You really can't reason with a bully, because their motivations are far deeper and much more twisted than most people can understand. All you can do is avoid them and ignore them.

Easier said than done, I know. Especially as the number of bullies seems to grow every year and the Internet gives them a particularly fertile playground to wreak havoc and multiply in.

The best way to avoid age-related bullying in fandom is to be 100% up front about your age. Post it clearly in your bio/about section (if you have one) and make no effort to hide it. I understand the impulse to avoid the topic and just "blend in" with everybody else - but that rarely ever works. AND it's the same tactic predators DO use when they try to blend in with younger people to seek out prey. To some extent, it's healthy for young people to be leery of older people in fandom spaces who aren't upfront about their age.

Being up front about your age is especially important in younger fandoms/areas where young people are more common. Will being open about your age decrease the pool of folks willing to interact with you? Undoubtedly yes - but every one of those people who won't interact with you due to your age would be uncomfortable if they had been interacting with you and then found out your age. You're not losing a follower/friend, you're just helping people who wouldn't want to interact with you KNOW not to interact with you.

In that sense, you really can't worry about the followers you've lost. If they followed you believing you're a young person and they UNfollow when they find out you're not - Well, those are people who shouldn't have clicked the "follow" button in the first place, and likely wouldn't have if you'd had your age publicly posted on your profile in plain sight. In other words, you can't lose a friend you never had. And if they don't even know how old you are and/or refuse to interact at all with people your age... Well, then they ain't no friend of yours. No harm, no foul - let 'em leave.

As for your account... There's settings you can make on Twitter to limit who can interact with your tweets. I'd make good use of them and shut down avenues of interaction that aren't necessary for how you use your account. Shut off replies. Shut off DMs. If you're not interacting with people anyway, this shouldn't really affect how you use the site. Liberally block anyone sending you hate, and make a concerted effort NOT to look at anything they're posting. I know, that's hard to do, but responding to bullies is almost always NOT the best course of action. It only feeds them and stresses you.

Really, the best (only) way to deal with haters is to ultimately not give a fuck about them. Do whatever you like, whatever makes you happy... and fuck anybody who doesn't like it 🤷‍♀️ Of course, there's caveats to that - you can't just go around hurting other people or making it difficult for others to do what they like and find their own happiness... but as long as you're not doing that, well, fuck the haters. Let 'em stew in their own bile until they choke on it. I'm just assuming that last part is what happens to them, as I've never actually cared enough about a hater to check back with any of them. I just roll on in my "fuck the police" mobile and assume karma or gravity or Jesus will take care of them eventually 🤷‍♀️

If all else fails, post memes.

[kun-summacumlaude]

SUMMA CUM LAUDE? #18

I'm keeping my word, it's about 3 weeks since my last post and I'm already working on the next one.

Hello Peoples

So I've been telling everyone this is week 3 but for some reason I'm the only one that believes the convocation week (week 1) counts. Anyhoo, today is day 3 of week 2, and I've had only two actual classes. I should have stayed at home, but that's too late now.

Just to give a little update on how the semester started for me. I resumed last week (my own week 2) because I spent all of convocation on completing Breaking Bad. But last week I moved to anime, I thought being in school would get me serious again but that didn't work. What finally did the job was having my first lecture (online) but she was so serious about the class that I got serious right after that class.

The engineering student, Kunle, is back. *Sheds tears from suffering*. I already want to go home, I'm looking forward to the short election break. I hope it's like one week long. Jaja is as Jaja as ever and I want to go home for a breather. It seems I didn't fully recover from the intensity of the final push last semester until this week. I was so tired last week and I struggled to sit down and study for a significant amount of time. Feb 1.

Omo nawa o, February 16 today and I am very tired of school. Election break is three weeks long (God is good). I honestly cannot wait to go home, it's almost like I've pulled the student plug in me. My plan was to move with each lecturer as the classes commenced, this has worked well so far except in 3 courses where I have a lot of questions to solve. Last time I posted I hadn't seen any of my second semester results but as at the time I started this post I had seen about 1 or 2 but now I've seen 6.

Year 2, 2nd Semester SCL ?

6/6 As. Four to go, I'm hopeful. Super hopeful. Getting a 5.00 SGPA would be lovely. Regardless, these results are the Grace of God because three of those six As were a huge relief considering how the tests and exams went. I wanted to keep mum about the results until I saw everything but I want to take you through my emotions. Current mood: happy but slightly anxious.

Let me quickly return to present academics. After 6pm, it is such a struggle to study. Most of these past weeks I have slept off, achieving nothing in the evening and at night. 6pm I get dinner, after that I either go back to my room or the office and so far neither location has done the job for me. I really wish the library was 24/7 and allowed us take our stuff in. Currently , there's no toilet there, 9pm closure is way too early and not having my stuff with me inside is a problem. Sometimes you can't even charge your devices and all of my stuff is digital, doesn't work at all for me. I'm sure I've mentioned this before though, maybe in a much earlier post. I'll stop here for now, I really hope they release my the rest of my results before we go home for the election break. I want to know my cgpa while I'm grinding at home. Oh yes, my plan for the election break is to come back way ahead in all of the courses, so help me God.

Election Break

March 25, 2023. I returned from the election break on the 21st, the break about a month long. Nothing has changed, reading past 6pm is still a struggle, the four results left to see have still not been released and this most disappointing of all is that the only grinding I did at home was grind in my Clash of Clans. I'm even in a worse position now than I was before the break but I guess I have two months to get things in order. My election break would have gone well but I spent all four weeks worrying about how I was going to write a term paper on a course we hadn't had a single lecture on. That totally destabilised me and I lost all of my focus. An experience to learn from and navigate better in times to come because I'm sure another lecturer will give us a ridiculous assignment. That assignment was actually so ridiculous in hindsight, but I allowed it to have too much control over my actions during the break. To be fair to myself, I was very much invested in both elections and that itself was another distraction from grinding academically. I want to be in a good position academically so I can take out some time to participate in the next edition of ULES Games Festival so I'm ready to get the job done this semester by God's grace.

ULES GAMES FESTIVAL

We didn't have this last session because of covid, the strike and renovations for NUGA 2022. But this session it happened, and it just got concluded today. Metallurgical and Materials Engineering won more medals than any other department, congratulations to them. I only attended physically on the penultimate day but I absolutely enjoyed myself because I love sports. At some point I felt sad because one of my plans upon getting into university was to participate in sports. So far, I have done close to nothing in that area, and it made me sad, but I'll work towards it for 300 Level.

Academics

The next line of action is to assess the course outline and ascertain how bad things are, then improve on everything. I mean, what other approach is there to take?

I don't know if I should still wait for those results or just post. We'll find out eventually.

April 4, 2023

6.33PM, I'm at shop 10 eating my dinner when I open the class and see a text from Toki: "Results are out on lagmobile For those interested". Every rate in my body went up. To finish that food was a challenge, I kept on asking myself if I should check the results right there in shop 10 or wait until I got back to my room in Jaja. I eventually decided on the latter.

7.17PM, I open lagmobile to check my results. I quickly scanned through all the grades and didn't see a single B or C, at that moment it dawned on me. 5.0 SGPA!!!! SUMMA CUM LAUDE-ESQUE SEMESTER!!! It honestly felt surreal at that moment. I was like GOD! WOW! A 5.0 in a semester that felt so terrible for most of it, unbelievable scenes mehn. All Glory to God, because I cannot do such on my own, I would be a dirty liar if I said I could. I want to encourage you to trust in God when you pray, no matter how what kind of circumstances you're praying under, those things do no limit God. Today is April 8 but I'm typing like it's 4th, I just realised hehe. I'm reliving the moment; it was just such a good feeling inside of me. It's really lovely to achieve your goals, whew. More to come deo volente.

I guess that wraps up the first semester of 200 level, it was a lengthy ride to be honest. This wrap up is quite deep into second semester. Let me just mention that Dr. Ibhaze has come again, he gave us a test on physical electronics (EEG 226), 10 marks and we didn't know what to write. We can't catch a break with him, but I don't believe he'll use that test anyways, hopefully I'm not wrong (very hopefully).

For ease of calculating my cgpa, let me put the scores of each semester here. LevelSemester: TotalScore-TotalUnits Yr1S1: 66-14, Yr1S2: 78-16, Yr2S1: 100-20. CGPA moves from 4.80 to 4.88 (Huge!)

There's are so many social events going on in school at the moment, it's so easy to waste your time and then end up failing your tests. Dear reader, you cannot be everywhere. I won't say snub all events but be very picky with the ones you attend, select a few (very few o ejoor) and ignore the rest. You don't have that much time especially if you're behind in some courses. Don't set yourself up for struggle.

I'll end this post that has been pending for too long here, next time I'll probably have written a few tests, I pray I return to you with good news. Thank you and bye bye :)

Check the date I made this note:

God is good !

[life-archive]

Backwards

A few more hours into 2023, and already ending the year on a sour note. Not in the best terms with the family and I am not anywhere near prepared for the board exams. I had started my online diary on instagram a year ago but my paranoia always tells me a friend would find me on there, so to keep it more personal (with more meaningful entries, typing from a computer) - I've decided to head back to tumblr. I had a personal online archive as well but thats well in the past. Looked back today so I could look forward. I feel as if I've been moving backwards ever since I graduated college. I had my dream body and I let that go - and I think that is one of the reasons why my life has gone on a downwards spiral. My body has always been my main insecurity. Now that the pandemic had made me gain weight, so much that I dont think my college friends would recognise me anymore. Two years (or three) of countless diets and starving and I keep going back to this weight. 2x than what I was in my heaviest. Because of this, I've hid away and stopped communicating with my friends. My life has revolved around work ever since the pandemic started. I dated a guy I thought I liked, but ended it for not only me but him. And at that point I felt good because I finally had figured out that I was more than a relationship - something I centered my college life around. But I have not had any action since then. I used to be wanted, I used to be in relationships, I used to feel confident. After the 2 out of 3 college relationships - I lost everything. or at least it felt like it. I lost my spark in my eyes, my body and my car lol. (for future reference, you got into a car accident from a little heavy drinking and almost got locked up). I dont want to jinx it but I dont think i put enough effort to pass the board exams, and that's going to add onto the list of why I think my life is going backwards. But at the same time I want to go forward with it - because what if i do pass? and if i fail, i can get back up and just do it again right? I mean I failed my thesis, and I got back up 10x stronger. I really am looking up for 2023. The past few new years I've just seen it as another day, but i am hopeful for this new year. 1. Passing the January 2023 Exam 2. Losing weight 3. Taking care of myself, and becoming the better version of my best self (which was me in college) 4. Trying out a pilates, cycling and golf class I realised that I keep mourning for my past and that I should let go to move forward, but I've been stuck just there. As I type this, I realise the only reason why I keep looking back is because that was me at my best. Best self care, best body and best positivity (confidence). The root of this is mainly just me fixing my habits - with eating, with exercising. I think once I get back to a state of being happy with my body again, I can build on the other aspects. I looked back at pictures and I used to not be so food-crazy. I used to actually use make up, jewelry, nice clothes and fix my hair. Something that I dont do anymore ever since the pandemic - which resulted to an overweight, acne filled, inflamed eczema and lonely/depressed self. I need to get back up this year, and Im counting on myself to get back up. Hope my next entry will be me as an architect, in a comfortable weight and without an inflamed body! The reason why I love online archives, is so I can look back at it and understand what my head was like. My instagram entries were so shallow, and its great knowing that i've grown from it and im capable of doing so. With paper, my hand hurts so its hard to express every single thing Im thinking about. I WILL look back at this entry a year from today and I KNOW I would be in the place I want to be. I can feel it, or at least im manifesting for this to happen. Here's to a great, optimistic year.

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

All of That and More

Summary: Dean comes home looking for the softness Y/N has to offer.

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Implied smut, kissing, making out, mostly flangst.

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Y/N

Word Count: 490

A/N: I've been missing Dean a lot lately, and I've seen some posts from friends who have been feeling the same. So, I just felt like writing this little drabble as a way for us to miss him less and also to give Dean the love he deserves!!

The beautiful divider at the bottom was created by @talesmaniac89

Masterlist || Tag Lists

I wake up as I feel the bed shift behind me.

"Dean?" I croak sleepily, turning my head to see him sliding in beneath the covers.

"Shh, go back to sleep, sweetheart, I didn't mean to wake you up." He says quietly.

"Not a chance." I whisper as I turn to face him and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him to me for a kiss.

He settles in next to me, his lips sealed to mine. After exchanging soft kisses for a couple minutes, he brushes my hair back from my face.

"God, I missed you, baby." He says in his honey-gravel voice.

I wrap my arm around his ribcage and run my hand up and down his beautifully sculpted back, reveling in the feel of his warm, taut skin under my fingers.

"I missed you too. How did the hunt go?"

He doesn't reply; he just buries his face in my neck and I have my answer.

I pull him tighter against me and he groans into the side of my neck. "Fuck me, you smell so good." He says, inhaling deeply and then attaching his lips to my pulse point.

I sigh softly and drop my head back so he can easily reach all the sensitive spots on my neck, the ones he knows will drive me crazy.

He pushes open the buttons on my pajama top and smooths one hand down my side and over the curve of my hip before coming up and resting his big palm on my breast, his fingers curling lightly, promising more.

"How tired are you, sweetheart?"

I arch into his hand and purr as I palm him through his boxer briefs. "I'm wide awake now."

His breath catches and his eyes flare with heat, but his smile is gentle and loving. "Let me tire you out again, then."

He definitely follows through on his promise, making love to me slowly and thoroughly, making up for lost time, and pushing me past the edge to bliss over and over until I am indeed exhausted, my limbs heavy and boneless.

I know too, that he's making something beautiful between us to try and erase the ugly things that linger in his mind from the hunt he won't talk about.

He will eventually talk, eventually tell me about what went down, maybe while he's cuddled up against me later, or maybe not for a couple days, when he'll randomly start talking to me about it as I sit in his lap in one of the wide library chairs.

But however long it takes, I won't push him. I learned a long time ago not to demand explanations from him. Dean needs to open up in his own time.

In the meantime, I can give him this, give him me - let him find solace and comfort in my body and in the magic we create together in the soft light of our bedroom.

I'm not a hunter, but I love one with all my heart, for all he is, for all he does, for all he gives, I will happily give him all of me.

He deserves all of that and more.

Tags under the cut:

1. Jensen RPF + Any/All characters Jensen plays.

@lyarr24

@siospins2

@impalaslytherin

@akshi8278

@maggiegirl17

@candy-coated-misery0731

@nt-multi-fandom

@slytherinlyn314

2. Dean Winchester Fics Only.

@saikoswritings

@lgranger67

@carryonwaywardgirl

3. Any/All Fics (regardless of fandom/character.)

@sunshineandwings86

@kazsrm67

@sexyvixen7

4. Everything (includes fan vid/DOOL edits as well)

@unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men

@awkward-and-indecisive

@maliburenee

@supernatural4life2022

@spn730015

@b3autyfuldisast3r

@kickingitwithkirk

@waywardbaby

@foxyjwls007

@deanwanddamons

@deandreamernp

@deanwithscissors

@myloversgone

@snowlovespie

@leigh70

@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

@fangirlxwritesx67

@charred-angelwings

@hopefuldreamers-world

@mysherlock221b

@jensensgotyoudean

@stixnstripesworld

@thoughts-and-funnies

@magssteenkamp

@norman1967

@princessmisery666

@eevvvaa

@mishkatelwarriorgoddess

@deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy

@b-i-t-c-h-i-e

@twirpbunwarrior

@mysweetlittledesire

@waynes-multiverse

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@bernasaurus

@jensenslady79