#i've never had surgery in my LIFE
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Some unasked for wisdom teeth advice:
When you change your gauze make sure you roll it up small enough to get it in place. You're going to be so numb and swollen that it will be hard to tell. Do not make the same mistake as me and assume that thicker = more absorbent = better. It is not, in fact, better.
OKAY THANK YOU I'LL MAKE SURE TO REMEMBER THIS 🙏
#I'M SURE THIS IS LIFE SAVING ADVICE#ahhhhhh#i've never had surgery in my LIFE#and also have AWFUL anxiety so the past few days have been fun 😀👍#it's okay though i did a funny bit with my coworker acting like i was about to die from wisdom teeth surgery#anyway apparently pineapple juice helps and i'm drinking a ton of it so we'll see
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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Dress-Up Jam! Get Yours Today!
hey guess who gets top surgery in 5 days
#jam draws stuff#did anyone else have an obsession with paper dolls as a kid?#i used to cut out the model from magazines my mum would read and then trace around them to make my own clothes for them#i've had this idea in my head for years and this is the first time i've executed it in a way i dont hate#and i think thats almost entirely because of T and (soon) top surgery making me actually like my body for the first time in my life#also these are all real clothes that I own/made#including the Rocky Horror costume I'm making and planning on wearing for a slutty slutty halloween#and my spike covered cane#also that knee brace is like a son to me. he never comes off#art#digital art#illustration#self portrait#paper dolls#trans#trans masc#ftm
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Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.
#also “”“”medical necessity“”“” is NOT an excuse here.#ive been to plenty of doctors that thoroughly discuss a range/timeline of treatment and explain it IN DETAIL before saying “thats what i-#-recommend“ instead of just going ”okay were gonna do this. im gonna explain the prep to you a mile a minute and if you have any follow up-#-questions im just gonna repeat part of my spiel with no clarification. and if i cant answer your questions too bad :)“#not to mention how many doctors just force you to do things that WILL NEVER WORK#like one therapist tried forcing me to do emdr when i was only IN HER TOWN for the summer and i had no internet access when i was at college#im pretty sure emdr takes several weeks to work and i did not have that kind of time available to me. i couldnt just drop out bc of ptsd.#also the number of times ive had to decline an ESI is stupid. I've already had 2! they didn't work! i had a bad reaction to the meds!#why am i being forced to do it again?#also back surgery. i cant do that because i am a white trash rural kid and our home (which we built ourselves) CANNOT be accessible enough#for spinal surgery recovery. but i went to the surgeon and he was like “thats valid! and also surgery literally wouldnt help you so idk why-#-they sent you here.“ : l It's cool to be right all the time lol#its like. no wonder i developed medical demand avoidance after so much traumatizing and malpracticy bullshit in my life#demand avoidance#medical demand avoidance#chronic illness burnout#chronic illness#chronic pain#medical tw#ptsd#disability#medical neglect#medical trauma#vent#this might be too personal. if i do delete it ill have it rb'd on my boar-deer-whitetrashbutterfly blog first#idk i just havent really been able to find anyone else talking about this specific effect of being chronically ill/disabled.
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i'm moving house but queenmaker will be updated by the end of next week at the absolute latest (i'd like to say the end of this week but that feels dangerously optimistic)
#queenmaker#that's right everyone i am no longer homeless#just busy trying to work and unpack#and clean because whoever lived here before me never heard of wiping out a cupboard#or like#dishwasher cleaners#i guess until today i'd never heard of them either but like cmon my dude#google is a thing#i've had a dishwasher for a whole three days of my life and i already figured it out get on my level#oh and furniture deliveries slash pickups that's the other thing i'm doing#i didn't own much furniture until now#oh and i'm supposed to be doing an overnight trip to look at a horse#and i'm trying to organise surgery for the horse i already have#and i've had tinnitus slash constant headaches for five days#but like i don't have time to stop for that so yknow here we are
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State legalization bill passed!!!!! We are good to grow!
After months of planning and waiting, I finally ordered my very first seeds aaahhh yaaaayy!!! MANGO KUSH!!! I kinda wanted to try Tropicana Cookies, which sounds amazing for ADHD, but I figured that might be too hard to grow (and consume, it's pretty strong) so I went with my gut. Never met a mango I didn't like, and this is a good hybrid strain with great medical uses.
These won't be auto-flower, since the seed bank I had a coupon for doesn't have an auto version, but for a photo-period, Mango Kush is supposed to be easy to grow even for first-timers.
Can't wait to nurture my lovely magical girls to full flower 😍
#ironically while I'm on a tolerance break from all this shitty Delta-8 lab-created stuff I've had to use in the meantime#actually it passed a while ago but I was busy and didn't have time to set up the grow tent lmfao#BUT NOW#Fred gonna grow the GOOD KUSH#not to be a stoner on main#but weed has actually changed my life#a medicine that treats all of my mental health issues and has ZERO SIDE EFFECTS#I'm not throwing out my SSRI or nothing but holy SHIT there is no comparison#cannabis has done for me what meds never could#plus my dad is likely having knee surgery soon so if I can grow fast enough this will be excellent for his pain management and recovery#a magic fucking plant you can just like... grow yourself#amazing#cannabis
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📖🖊❄️
#journal dump bc i have too much on my mind#1) i HATE my neighbors. theres never one quiet moment. they stomp around and slam cabinets all the time it feels like#2) i've been reading more recently even if concentration's hard bc of noise. but i also feel like there r too many books i wanna read#but yeah. too little time. so instead i cant settle on a book and kinda dont even read as much as i want to. a stupid problem really#3) it's crazy to say but i wish i had a part time job. sitting at home 24/7 for 5/6 years has been SO terrible for me.#everything feels meaningless. every day is the exact same. im not LIVING. im rotting away and all my issues get worse. im also so fkn bored#and i dont wanna sit at home and do assignments (even if thats what i technically should be doing)#i want a job to go to which takes me away from home + gives me money#then i can come home and sit and rot and ENJOY it. bc now my lazy time is only smth negative and bad for me :/#ofc i hate the mere thought of having some soul sucking utterly pointless job and our capitalist society is a slave hellhole. but.. as it is#im not even able to enjoy ANY of my time bc all my time feels bad. plus im only getting poorer and poorer so i cant afford to buy anything#4) im so fkn bored and going crazy from eating the exact same food every single day for the third month now. im sick of it#everything tastes so bland and disgusting. it's genuinely making me depressed 😭 i wanna eat REAL food. im so tired bc no nutrition :((#i cant do anything except wait for my appt w the doctor next week and hope they put me on a waiting list for surgery.. but ong im sick of it#5) i miss my sisters :/ we live in the same apartment but its like i've completely ceased to exist to them#except when they need to be passive aggressive to me. lol. i miss them. but they just dont wanna talk to me :/#but tbh. most of all... i just want my health issue to be over so my body can function normally again.#i can face anything in life if i can come home to a cup of coffee nd some chocolate ^-^ <333
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SCARED BEING A DRAG MONSTER WILL FIX YOU?! YOU SHOULD BE
#dragula season 5 ...#i wish i had even an inch of power to do it too#i've given up on things like dating and top surgery. being desired or safe right. saying i deserve any of that or want it just feels like#asking for violence. asking to be proven wrong. asking to be set back right#i've never run into something like this before where my desire is just not content with that.#Drag is too confronting and vulnerable 2 do it while covering my head.#I've gotten so strong about being alive except for this.#II've given up on anything else. I just want this.#this is Blind pain i've lived my life by and it doesn't need to be this way and i really don't want to Accept that bc it means it hasn't#been painful enough. this is just the tip of it.#it feels so stupid. talking up drag and hearing abt multiple ppl starting to do drag Because of me and I'm completely#ridiculously Paralyzed? Zero nerve to move? No backbone?#No mother? No scene? all it takes is confidence and attitude? can't look in a mirror without thinking yeah. They were right for it.#it's so vitriolic. I don't want to believe it. and I don't want external validation. I want to b a Drag monster. I want to back myself so#viciously it doesn't matter. I want to exist so firmly that it doesn't matter.
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Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
#I am so fucking tired of my parents#if I don't find a full time job soon (which i haven't been able to find for the past six months)#it's possible that my dad will be given the opportunity to live in our house by the state#apparently it can be done in around ten days once it's decided#can i trust my mother with these kinds of informations? absolutely not. but there is a 50/50 chances that it's true#i have saved as much as i could all my life in preparation of this moment and i do have enough money to move but it takes time#every other week my mother comes home with similar kinds of insane informations for me to process#one week she reassures me everything is fine and i have like a couple of years before leaving this house#the week after. this.#i have no idea of what's real or not#i am so stressed that last week i lost the ability to finction for three days straight#i am going insane#and i am in no condition to find jobs i've applied to very little positions in this timeframe also because of this stress that paralyzes me#i am not depressed but god i am indeed exausted#i also have surgery planned (do not know the date yet it's not a difficult one but i never had one and i am scared shitless)#and technically i am in a promising job selection but it's a public one so no one tells you nothing and it can take up to six months before#someone calls you back#so i am inside a limbo on every aspect of my life and it's unreal#i can't even see my psychologist because she's getting surgery next week so i'll see her the week after#i don't have the streight to write this new developement to friends#i think i'll just deadscroll for a while and then go to bed#i don't know. i'm so tired and at the same time not at all tired#i'm doing nothing with my days but i still need everything to stop#i don't know#stuff
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well. we just saw Poor Things in the cinema. and I'm. so. ?????
#I've never been this confused and conflicted about anything in my life#I kept checking my watch but not to look at the time (didn't know how long the movie was anyway) no I had to keep looking at#pictures of John Larroquette every time I got too upset#so much surgery stuff#I almost left#most of this movie was pretty much.... what my nightmares feel like.#never seen anything that has that exact same feeling#literally this was the most terrifying horrifying awful thing I have ever seen#no horror movie has ever scared me this much#also so many genitals#wow#and just. everything#not the point at all but tbh I only didn't leave because ramy youssef is extremely beautiful and I needed to look at his face again#and I kinda don't like Mark Ruffalo anymore.... not his fault he did a great job but. no don't like it#I'm. having feelings and they feel weird#I will never watch this again ever as long as I live but I really liked the ending. very nice. the goat guy got what he deserved 💖#personal
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my mom never had wisdom teeth so my greatest source of knowledge for various adult life scenarios just has no experience with something I’m dealing with and I’m stuck with google of all things
#the left ones are erupting#and they don't hurt aside from like. slightly sore gums where the tooth is poking through#so like. is it okay#I saw a dentist two months ago and he didn't say anything about it#do I just let it wait until July when I see the dentist again and then ask about it?#do I NEED to get them out??#I've had oral surgery before and I'm really not a fan#why is it so difficult to have a human body#I don't know how to deal with this I haven't dealt with a tooth poking out since the last oral surgery#(one of my adult teeth didn't come down so I needed the surgery to attach a tiny chain to it and then the orthodontist slowly pulled it down#via like elastic tied to the tiny chain or something)#it's just very frustrating that my mouth is arguably the part of my body that I practice the most consistent self-care on#ie I've literally never not brushed twice a day in my whole life#and yet it still brings me trouble and pain#it's frankly rude
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i know our fatphobic cultures have deepfried and glassblown people's brains but it always boggles my mind when a fat person is fatphobic ??? what are you doing
#i mean like#your overweight aunt telling her daughter who's slimmer than her to lose weight#fat middle-aged women in the street making a face at a young fat girl in a crop top#people saying stuff like ''she could look so much better if...'' while being fatter than the person they're talking about#couples of equivalent sizes turning each other's weight into a punchline#like. this isn't something that makes my life any harder so as annoying as it is i don't feel the need to address it#but nobody in my family seems to get that I Do Not Care what weight i am#i've put on weight over the last year or so and when i say it's not an issue to me#my mom & grandma just act like... it should be ??? like i should be feeling awful and beating myself up over it ????#shouldn't you be GLAD that i'm not ? that i'm not stuffing myself with celery and then puking it up ?#that i'm feeling comfortable ? that i'm not depressed over it ? that i think i look just fine ??#meanwhile mom's way heavier than me and used to be even more before she had An Entire Surgery to lose weight#i mean. both my parents were fat. it's genetics. i'm never gonna be stick thin. i do not care ???#i'm gonna look like harvey guillen jack black matt berry y'know ?? all men people find attractive ?? what's there to worry about#AND EVEN THEN. even if we lived in a nightmare world where people had shit taste and found them ugly#still wouldn't make it a problem ? idgaf what people think of my appearance ?? i'm vibing
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oh also as of yesterday 2 YEARS ON T HELL YEAH 1 YR POST TOP SURGERY HELL YEAH 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
#finally doing the last thing on my checklist this yr which is getting a passport :-)#dude my life has gotten SO much better i feel happier i feel more confident i feel more myself than I ever have#except maybe when i was a weird grubby child running around in the forest and creeks all day with no concept of what gender is and only#caring about catching critters and pretending i was a survivalist in the woods#quite literally a weight off my chest like 6 lbs of weight off my chest even#i had to save up like 9 yrs to pay for the surgery and had to get it out of pocket bc i knew there was no way i could get it thru ins.#but it was worth every fuckin cent i'm so happy i feel so much better in my body#i wish i could have started hrt sooner but it's true when ppl say it's never too late to start! i started at 26 and i am so so happy#with all of my changes and i just hope every other trans person gets to a point in their life they can safely transition it is#literally life changing#thx so much to all my friends who got me here and helped me through all the stress and cared for me after my surgery#thx to everyone who just said kind things and helped me navigate all the complex legal stuff and went with me to court!!! ur all the best#anyway goals this yr grow more than 3 facial hairs#and figure out how to style my hair i've been fighting these damn cowlicks for 27 yrs i want this yr to be the yr i figure it out#personal stuff
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Mother in law called me fat today. I'm literally done helping anyone in this family ever again.
#the amount of anger and rage I'm trying to suppress this afternoon is phenomenal#i keep having to remind myself that i can't fit an old woman and that we live in the house she owns#i literally just walked away trying not to scream#but of course I'm being too sensitive because 'she's an old lady and can say whatever she wants'#like yes i know I've gained a lot of weight in the last 15 years#I've had numerous health issues some of which have bedridden me for months at a time#there's been a pandemic that kept me confined to the house#I'm on medications that all have weight gain as their top side effect#i had surgery which probably saved my life but kept be inactive for months#I'm starting to lose weight very slowly now but I'm never going to be back to what i used to be#15 years ago i was at an unhealthy weight and felt sick all the time#i was also severely anemic and used to pass out a lot#normally something like this wouldn't have hit so hard but after the dream this morning I'm in a bad place mentally#i don't know if i want to scream or cry#I'm seriously done helping and she's on her own from now on
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Im so happy it's almost your 2 year!! Congratulations on that milestone that is absolutely such a celebration. How have you felt since getting top surgery? Any unexpected and happy benefits you didn't think or expect to be a happy thing before the surgery? 🎃
thank you!!! considering I was waiting in Limbo for 5 years waiting to be contacted by the surgeon I really didn't think this day would come where I just feel Normal having a Body.. So every milestone is a gift and a blessing!
Things since surgery have felt..... just so nice. Just.. Peaceful.
just nice.
y'know?
(I mean aside from the Agonies but that has to do with the shambling mass that is the Rest of my life and not my chest)
I've always described the way I experience(d, it's not so much a factor in my life anymore) dysphoria was less an acute sensation or thought and more of like... a Vague Schism? like I piloted my body around but I wasn't really there? it's hard to explain.. cause it's the kind of thing you notice more actively after it's Gone than while it's There.
T helped a lot, keeps helping a lot, but after top surgery, when I'd finished healing and could just.. live my life Sans Tits I could feel that schism close, and the me in my head and the me in the Meat World finally.. met. And it's just.. really nice.
Having a Body.
Being your body.
it's a good fucking time.
leaves a lot of room for other things.
I don't think there's been a lot of... surprises? so far.. in terms of what I've found happiness in.. I guess the journey I've been on from being kind of uncomfortable with how my body ended up being shaped after they scooped out Literally Everything to kinda loving it but that's more related to a lightly separate but definitely entangled journey of self discovery (everyone say Thank You Karl)
So I guess the most surprising and pleasant thing is just How Much it helped me feel more comfortable in my gender?
But really all of it's been great. Very chill, very peaceful, 10/10 no regrets. \(v-v)/
#monster noises#I feel like I had such a weird experience with the surgery itself#I think I posted about it at the time but like..#I really wasn't feeling it at first#not like.. regretting the surgery I knew that was the right choice#but I just felt bad and weird and even more foreign in myself#until things settled down and I could take of the medical binder#and I didn't have to do so much everyday care and worry about if something was going wrong#that I could let it sink in?#and even then I didn't have my emotional-viral-video-moment where I cried in the mirror about it#(to be clear I'm not saying anything about that kind of reaction! I'm honestly kinda jealous that I never got that...#it just feels like that's what the expectation is...)#instead I was just.. hanging out at home one day#all healed up a few weeks later#just living my life#when I stopped in front of the mirror and it was just like#Oh.#hey!#There you are! I've been waiting an awful long time. It's nice to finally meet you!#I just finally.. Was#and I just smiled about it#maybe did a little stim wiggle#as I am want to do#and went about my day#very aware that an ever present static in the back of my head was just... not there anymore#and that was that
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got a top surgery date after years and years and its made me start thinking about true love again
#ykno?#if i elaborate i'll cry for suuuure#blithering on#gender#trans#top surgery#its kinda insane how I've felt more depressed than I have in a loooong time- and then out of the blue i got a top surgery date and now im.#thinking how wonderful and beautiful life can be when you make it your own#and when you can find others who find beauty in similar ways to you#Im. so ready to be able to stand up straight and breathe deeply and hold my shoulders back and get chest tattoos and hug the people i love#its been five years. and I finally have a date. its in two weeks.#ive never had more of a reason to stay alive.#and Ive seen so many videos of people post op with their partners#and I just cant understand my mothers anxiety over me being alone forever#if im gonna be alone its because Im a got damn shut-in; not because of my transness#and I just got back from visiting portland......god there are so many lovely queer and trans people there i want to move there SO badly#to think I could live somewhere where running into other queer and trans folks is a daily occurance makes my heart ache soooo bad#anyway wow ive started rambling#and yeah I made myself cry but its happy crying for once! I cant believe i got a date. I finally got a date
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