#idfk i just want to be normal...
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i left my room to piss and get a drink and im am shaking like im being hunted for sport wtf
#why is my anxiety at an all time high???#i would like to be normal please!#my anxiety is so bad that i wont even let myself eat at all because im scared that someone poisoned the food...thats not logical at all ik#hell even getting some ginger ale was so hard for me...i have to keep reminding myself that theres nobody who is trying to brainwash me#i saw my door cracked open so i know someone was in my room...and im trying to be reasonable but its so hard when my anxiety is so bad...#as in i am trying to tell myself that nobody put razorblades in your bed and nobody poisoned your drink and nobody is trying to control you#nobody put cameras around your room nobody filled the house with gas and is going to set it on fire nobody put a tracking device on you...#im so paranoid for no reason...well there is a reason...but i honestly dont want to talk about it...and ill talk about anything...#so me saying i dont wanna talk about it is a huge indicator that its not very good...at all...#as in i cant talk about it with anybody...not even my closest friend knows...nobody knows...its just my secret that ill die with#there are a few secrets about my past that ill take to my grave...and thats saying something cuz i use humor to cope and i cant even joke...#im just a kid...and ive been to hell and back and i just want a fucking break...#idfk i just want to be normal...#sorry for venting so much im just kinda a mess...shits been really hard recently cuz of a ton of shit that i still dont wanna talk about#idfk sorry
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did i build an entire house based on @softerhaze‘s arts n’ craftsman walls? perhaps >.>
#sims 4#the sims 4#ts4#the sims#interiors#entire is a lie#its like 3 rooms and somewhat of a floorplan so far#why is there 2 living rooms? idfk im not an architect#hehe#normally not my style at all but i wanted to fool around a bit!!#and i love it#does anyone else stockpile furniture u want to use later in a build in the corner of the lot#my boyfriend walked by my screen and was like im not questioning ur design choices but why is there a couch on the lawn#its a process#also ft almond reshade preset it is a+#also not me tagging nova and u barely see her walls lets not talk about that just go download them bye
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exit: sonic teknamy moments. ft catholic amy rose (canon. real. i have proof and its funny)
#fleetway sonic#sth#sonic the comic#fleetway amy#teknamy#stc#tekno the canary#sonic the hedgehog#fanart#doodles#id in alt text#idfk what he was doing before johnny was born bc he doesnt start with the chaos siphoning until sometime after#based on how everyone talks to amy abt whats going on#like amy didnt know robotnik was on the island and porker wouldnt have gotten the idea until he was already there so.#guess he spends 10ish years just being the same jackass as normal#also sorry sometimes i try to write them british but most of the time i just want to write them normal 😔#comic
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halloween is like in a month and as worlds worst procrastinator (self declared title) i think i'm finally gonna fufill my dreams and make an animation meme of the mtt with that one happy halloween junky rin song (but ughhh i need to decide on costumes i'll give them!!!!! off to the drawing board!!)
#this is to say i'm actually doing something productive with my time#instead of just doomscrolling and wasting hours on tiktok#i should probably do my homework ngl#anyways! i was thinking it would totally be hilarious if one of the costumes was the jk mtt#like maybe i put one of the real mtt in the jk mtt's outfits. it would be so fucking hilarious#and also i want them to have cool different weapons than just normal bone axe knife thing#i want horror to have a chainsaw. or a sawblade. either one#and i want killer to have those cool double swords that zuko from atla has. maybe he'll be a pirate#and obviously dust gets a gun. maybe i'll ditch the jk uniform idea and just put him in a hazmat suit#who knows man i haveIDEAS. now lets see if i have the motivation to fufill them#temporarily fueled by inspiration permanently held back by motivation#and my inspo is 500% gonna be the error version of this meme#and i want the mtt to all have short little cutscenes and then at the end all be together and have a cool final clip together#and like idfk im not an animator man.........#this is gonna test my animation skills i swear. maybe ill actually learn how to animate this instead of tweening#but tweening fun!!!! i just dk if it can achieve the look i want#anyways i think its ginna be so silly and cute and exactly what i dream of#i miss animation memes can we pls make them again. AND NOT HAVE THEM LAST A WEEK!!!!!#looking at YOU tiktok. animation memes are coming back but they only last NOT EVEN A MONTH!!!! WHAT THE HEL!!!!!!!!!#its not fair not fair not fair not fair NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!#so like. dust bazooka hazmat suit. killer double sword pirate. man i need to decide on horror#omg like a magicians assistant with the saw???? and now for my last trick ill make your head disappear#halloween edition of one head dog coming up. anyways i like that idea....... yeah#tricule rant#but of course ill do that tomorrow. i have homework to do!
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this is my guilty gear oc diamondback shes a bounty hunter who is also into the preservation of hundred year old videogames
#beep boop you want fries with that#guilty gear#diamondback (oc)#THATS RIGHT SHES FINALLY BACK !!#CROWD CHEERING NOISE (its just all the cells in my body)#also she uses wind magic and spear to fight.#idk how she would play like if she was playable#but i would imagine smaller hitbox bc shes short#a lot of air moves and normals that have good range like venom#i dont think zoner but maybe kinda rushdown?? idfk im not a fg dev. or a game dev at all#i feel like mix of chipp and venom (maybe answer ??) would be her playstyle#maybe her jump might be like eddies where its a bit slow but flight !! using her spear as a propeller ofc.#also shes trans. i hope i dont get nuked off the site for saying this.
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there's gotta be a type of f/o where you absolutely despise each other and there's no chance of a actual romantic relationship and you would beat the shit out of each other but you want to fuck them sloppy style at the same time. i know someone else had the same idea but i don't remember what they called it. but like, you get it right?
[enemies to still enemies but they fuck] type dynamic
Minors DNI
#very normal about tfc heavy if you cant tell (lying) /lighthearted#hate that guy so much genuinely awful i want him carnally#enemies with benefits idfk#selfship smut#selfship nsft#selfshipping nsft#f/o smut#technically f/o related (?)#[just me yapping]#proship dni#ok to reblog
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Gonna b honest. I kinda preferred being actively and pressingly suicidal to whatever the fuck I've got going on now. At least then I knew what I could do to keep myself reasonably safe. Whether I'd do it is another question entirely but at least it was cut-and-dry and made sense. Idek what my brain is doing atp, much less what it needs from me
#like. I think this is mostly the same as I felt before starting the antibiotics but like. kinda worse?#like I don't wanna die I'm just tired of being alive. I wanna make myself live but suffer almost#and it's like. I don't Really want that. but my brain thinks I do and idk how to deal with that#I thought I did bcuz I've been dealing with it literally my entire life but it's like. it feels Different now somehow?#like it feels like now that I know I'm capable of doing it. I almost don't trust my brain to stay in the passive mode?#like im reading too far into my 'normal' thoughts/feelings.#which doesn't entirely make sense bcuz I have 'attempted' in the past. but I didn't actually Do anything ig. just prepared it but didn't do#idk. idk how I'm feeling or what's going on or which meds if any are doing this and I don't like it and I want it to stop#or at least go back to being active abt it so I can say hey listen I'm gonna do this pls take the dangerous stuff away for a bit or smth#idfk man I'm just so fucking sick of my brain. I hate everything it seems to be doing lately. it can't fucking work or cooperate or anything#I'm trying to be nice to my brain since I know there's a lot going on with it but it's like. brother. can you help me out here At All.#armchair speaks#suicide mention#tw suicide mention
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venting so much i ran out of tags lmao
#i think im hallucinating ?????#i have my headphones on (listening to boyfeel on repeat n choppin up some paper)#and keep feeling / seeing shadows in my peripheral vision#im probably just dehydrated and having bad floaters but i dont like it :)#today has also been bad dramatically awful#life isn't serious there's no reason to feel this heavy#oop very emo thoughts incoming#life can't be meaningful or ill miss my parents too much but can't be meaningless or im living without them for nothing#im just. struggling very hard this year. idk#i had so much health bullshit going on for months that i put off going to a psych n now im so busy that it feels bad taking time off for it#and im also scared of getting on meds bc the idea of being dependent on something that i might not have access to is.. auuughhh#idk dude my adhd has been debilitating lately and i feel so stuck and sometimes i think i have ocd bc my compulsions are so fucking bad and#all my mental bullshit with my breathing has slowly been driving me wild and peaks my anxiety#and sometimes i worry abt being bipolar bc my mom's mom is and my mom's best friend told me she thought my mom might have been#bc the way my moods are so low or so high is exhausting it feels like i haven't had a “normal” day in so long#but also atp when im happy i feel manic bc idk how to healthily experience happiness anymore#idfk y'all !!!! im also very nonverbal these days#ugh and still going back n forth on telling my therapist ive been suicidal again bc i dont want him to have to report me or anything idk#a few months ago i made a joke about offing myself and he got rly serious n said he'd have to take action if im serious so im leaning no#like. i wouldnt actually kill myself. i just don't want to exist sometimes in this life#its just been very very very very very very very very very very very very very very hard lately without my parents or grandma#and even after all these years it's still heartwrenching to think about continuing to live this life without them#like. i just want to make them laugh. i just want to feel their arms around me in a warm hug. i just want to dance to their favorite songs.#i don't want to think of them and see their dead bodies anymore. i want to remember them healthy and smiling.#i would take care of them again in every lifetime but fuck dude. i just want to remember their good days instead of the end. can i please#please fucking invision them at their best. i want to remember the dad that played baseball and video games and whose laugh filled the room#i want to remember my grandma who was so sassy but kind. whose button nose crinkled when she smiled. who taught me to happily be dramatic#i don't want to remember them being frail. i want to forget the frustration i saw in their eyes. i want to forget seeing them struggle#(insert sadness about not remembering my mom at all)#just. fuck dude. my life is simple and i am safe so i shouldn't complain. but things feel so fucking hard sometimes. i feel so heartbroken
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uuuh anyone know what mods making my pink lizards into this awful critter?
#rain world#help#rain world help#idfk what to tag this#I just want to know why he looks like that#I want normal pink lizards#not this#rw lizard#rw pink lizard
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no I don't know what fall out boy song titles mean I'm not a genius, jeez
#fall out boy#fob#pete wentz#I first heard all the song titles when I was 13 and now they're like. things that aren't real#like how the word scissors just means. scissors. right#''bang the doldrums'' just means that Song. idfk what doldrums are.#i Want to cause i love that stuff but it's hard to notice what i don't know sometimes. cause what do you Mean this isn't a normal english#phrase#@half the songs#pete defined a generation (me) it's true
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ive spent like 20 minutes trying to world this eloquently but i give up; im a big fan of linebeck just. not being capable of watching over kids not the person to be the guardian of a group of young people he struggles to take care of himself at times and has so much shit going on that it takes about one conversation with oshus for the old man to realize that this guy is. not doing great
#this was gonna be like. a jokey post at first juxtaposing oshus’ expectations vs reality with linebeck but im too emotionally drained#so real linebeck talk in the tags bc idk if ive actually talked much abt like. the specific as on why. iwrite and see him the way i do#likr. off the bat i put him at like 19 in ph and im too fucking tired and just. done rn to justify that like whatever kill me if you wish.#like. hes. been throught a lit hes been abused neglected used ignored hurt ridiculed violated deceived hes so fucking tired#hes worn down over the course of ph it causes him to finally like. express his anguish over what hes been theough its cathartic#hes getting pushed but talking to oshus and being around link loosens him up and he fucking. cries properly yknow#he cries about everything and the last bit of ph hes kind of an emotional wreck but hes finally letting himself feel all that shit#he cries he struggles to articulate himself he has a violent public meltdown as he becomes fed up with his reputation#and it all culminates in bellumbeck just. being a really raw examination of what hes been through and how he feels and what to do now#he hates people he has people he wants to kill people he wanted to kill but after bellumbeck its just. hes tired. hes processed everythjng#and then he needs the post ph crew and everyone they meet along the way to just. be a fucking support system for the first time ever#like post ph hes rhe captain he runs the ship he keeps everyone in line he can do that. but hes softer more vulnerable more self doubting#hes kinder and more hesitant but trying new things and being more openly passionate abt his interests#and he keeps working through his trauma he finds out what else it causes problems for and everyone. supports him#hes not capable of like. being any kind of parental figure to link in ph his perspective on like. how to handle kids is fucked#because his perspective on what a normal childhood should look like is kind of a mess#his perspective on relationships is murky on love on adventure on self expression but post ph hes just. free. tired but free#he manages to take naps the group helps him eat properly he learns his physical boundaries and actually does what he loves#idk. im just. man idk. its still measy but like. my version of linebeck is. i really hate the idea that its so out of character its not him#like. idfk what to even say abt that. idfk what ‘in character’ looks like when you hc a character to be masking in canon#when you hc them to be lying and covering things up and just. subdued bc theyre working on stuff#that they lie and exaggerate their own traits on purpose but let the truth through some cracks like what rhe fuck then#i hate it bc i dont see anyone else think of linebeck anything like this so im scared im fucking wrong somehow#im tired. i recently learned that one of my cats has been burrowing under and chilling under a blanket we cover a couch with#its very cute
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I found the Signet Classics mass-market edition of 1984 they made in promotion of the film, with full color pictures of the scenes inside, for $1.82; so I bought it. Merry Christmas to me! :D
#Gonna stop by the library to pick up a plausible decoy book (or two) for 25 cents so no one finds out I now have TWO copies of 1984#One from my birth year; and now the movie edition#I’ve been looking for one in good condition without a lot of damage to the cover and this one looks great#But no if my parents weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses; I’d have a Christmas list and this book would be the only thing on it#do adults have Christmas lists?#idk#Is that just a kid thing???#Anyway I’d hint really fucking hard that I wanted that book#Then again if my parents weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses I wouldn’t relate to 1984 in the first place#therefore I wouldn’t want it for Christmas#I’d probably ask for something more normal like uh……. paint or something idfk
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When I started Y7 I felt so bad for Masato getting treated so poorly by his gf because I would've eaten him out without hesitation
god you and me both brother
#snap chats#eating a salad when i should be eating out a depressed emo boy i KNOW his pussy crazy 😭😭#cant say bad things happen to good people but. bad things happen to Seemingly Normal people ig idfk#like she valid for being freaked out by him love bombing her but we're just built different#OK BUT ON THE REAL IT'S SO FUNNY HOW EVEN THE OTHER HOSTESSES WERE ON HIM#LIKE HIS EMO BOY SWAGGER WAS SO POTENT DUDE THE GOTH RIZZ WAS REAL#it got me UNWISE... got me wanting MEN carnally...#see thats why they had to make the cabaret scene as cringe as possible cause if not there woulda been too much potential to show him off#NO AND WHEN HE SMIRKING ON THE GROUND IN THE ALLEYWAY none of these thoughts are in the bible#and when he starts crying <3 bro i am fervently eating through this salad hold on LMAOOOOO I NEED TO STOP#I NEED TO RELAX ITS TOO EARLY FOR THIS#i have an econ exam in like two hours ok...... going out to drink later let me be a lil insane#lord above forgive me this emo boy makes me ill
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Tfw near panic attack on the way home but I am home now and it's okay and my girls are okay. Too.
#speculation nation#negative/#it's just been a long day and a guy tried to talk to me and i was confused on what he was asking and#he asked me to call 911 so someone could 'clean it up' and i was like '?!?!?!' bc i thought some1 got MURDERED in the park or smth#and it's dark and i couldnt see well and he was motioning towards his face. bloody nose#and thats what he wanted help cleaning up and so i was just like 'you want me to call the paramedics to clean up?'#and he was like 'idfk i just want someone to clean it up' and i mentioned how downtown was just a few blocks that way#and he was like 'well thanks anyways' and wandered off to somewhere else and i#am tired and cold and its been a Long day and i was so confused at what he wanted from me#and kind of scared bc it was dark and it was some random man i didnt know and#so i got home and checked on my girls and had a bit of a hyperventilation session on the floor#im breathing normal but still kind of trembly and#so so so so tired#it has been a long day and i want to climb right into bed but i have to shower first and#today is not good. it is not a good day.#im really really tired.
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love it when going to work now makes me feel like I'm a burden to society and treated like a child because my supervisors are determining what is better for my schedule and as such cutting my hours without talking to me about it or my knowledge even and just.
Told they didn't want to deal with me "throwing a fit" if they change my schedule for perfectly logical and reasonable reasons as if I can't comprehend logical and understandable reasons to change a few hours here and there.
I feel miserable. I feel terrible. I haven't felt like this in a long time and I just want to go home and cry and stay in my fun little fantasies where my characters can be happy and accepted and have fun.
#Negative cw#Depression posting cw#Vent cw#I hate being neurodivergent or mentally ill whatever#Why. Can't I just. Be normal and people treat me with basic respect#Not even a lot but like idfk#I want to cry but I still have 1.5 more hours of work
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i don't even want to take half my classes that im registered for autumn quarter
#this is just me spitballing here -#definitely need to take the security related classes that i want to do and even if i did dogshit at databases i still want to take the next#-class in the series bc i heard its more programming#also maybe the instructor won't suck that was a huge part of it#and im dropping data science im sorry i can't do algos i can't do machine learning. fuck cs theory im not into that.#but the question now is - do systems (which would give me a leg up in the security track) or do animation capstone (which is cool)#downside of systems is that theyre some of the hardest programming classes and i have to do group projects#downside of animation is that i missed the ball on most of the stuff and its a lot of classes in a sequence. also group projects.#(or neither and fuck off and do the global health minor or take english/art/architecture/philosophy classes just for fun idfk)#the stem major's curse#the last humanities option is looking nice rn maybe i can also take a bunch of public health stuff too#i actually kind of want to enjoy college even if im a commuter with no friends#hm ok i will go look for some classes later today#the data science stuff really screwed me over im glad im free of that at least#milk (normal)#i am kind of the ''mid at everything'' guy so no specialization for me or else i get bored and start attacking myself with hammers#and i change my mind about who i am and my personality every few months so thats really fun to deal with.
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