#my anxiety is so bad that i wont even let myself eat at all because im scared that someone poisoned the food...thats not logical at all ik | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

night-rhea · 2 years

Text

I need to vent a bit, i really do. Its about my beloved Simping Server.

U may not want to hear about it, which is i respect. İf thats the case, have a nice day✨

İ love that server. Let me make that clear. I put a lot of affort for it and i had amazing time in there.

As a mod, i apologize if i let you down in some ways. İm trully sorry if i did. İm saying 'if i did' because honestly i have no idea if i did or not. İn my opinion i failed in some ways but no one reached out to me about it, so i cant be sure.

Server is really quiet for a long time. Many friends left.

Firstly i wanna say im glad they did. Because they choose to leave to focus on theirselves. Group chats are often overwhelming, and takes so much time effort etc etc. İm glad they choose to do what was good for them. İ really am. İ still love them and still support them.

İ am also not mad about server being quiet. Personally, the hphm game itself continue to ruin my motivation for creating a concept for my own oc's for it. Sometimes its really overwhelming that i want to leave it all. How can i be mad about people leaving when i myself started to moving on? Obv, i cant.

İts okay, i tell myself, they choose to move on and its okay.

That doesnt erase the good times we had together there, does it?

Ofc, i know only reason people left is not because of hphm itself, but the problems we faced.

İ am not here to bring it up everything again, but i really need to tell how i feel, i need to let it out.

Like all problems, the ones we faced also had many sides. And from bottom of my heart, i am sorry for both sides having to live through that. Misunderstanding, acting before thinking or simply making mistakes. İt was hard for everyone.

Somes decided to stay away from each other. Which is, i dare to say, the bravest choise. İ am proud of people being able to block someone. Now dont think im being dramatic. Fandoms are places to be enjoyed. İf blocking someone makes ur experience here a lot better, do it right away. İ swear im not mad at people who blocked me in past and i wont be mad if somes block me in future.

İ dont hate anyone. İm not angry to anyone. İ accept my mistakes. And i hope the ones that was mad at me can understand me now.

İ know most of us already moved on, so why bring it up again right?

İ have been in fandom for two years now. Not so long, but not so short either. All that time i was proud of myself for being calm and kind to everyone.

Well until today at least. I never know myself talking to someone like that, and that wasnt even so rude or anything!

İ know that person will understand im talking about them, which is good. And please dont make it obv that its you. İts not personaly about you now. İts about me.

Like i said today, i felt really angry. Maybe that person doesnt really understand why.

I was mad because i was failing to protect my friends from some drama again.

İ am not acting like there were no drama in that server. İm not acting like everything was perfect and "my" server was perfect. No it wasnt. İm not perfect, it cant be perfect either.

İ need you guys to at least know that the server stressed me so fucking much. Gave me anxiety attacks, made me leave tumblr for a while.

İm not saying it was your fault. İm saying it to let you know i was effected by it too.

İ came to understanding that i am looking like i didnt care much. That i "choose a side" in problems we had in there. That i am judging people. None of them was the case. None.

İ wish i can explain how guilty i feel about every single bad thing happened here. İt feels like my fault. Because i gathered people here i was the mod here etc etc. Even if i know not everything was my fault, i still feel like it. That has been eating me inside. Thats why i wanted to apologize over and over again.

İm trying to be a nice person, and i guess thats all i can do.

Only thing i feel sad about is how i lost contact with some people who left. But thats on me because im really anxious about dming people. So i cant blame anyone if im the one who doesnt reach out to them and let them know i still appreciate their friendship.

Thank you if you read all of that. İ hope i didnt make you even more uncomfortable, that definitely not what i am trying to do. İ just wanted to let it out, so i can move on.

I hope you guys will have an amazing day/night. And i hope i will see you with my not-vent posts 💜

#naz's shit post #vent post

15 notes · View notes

vomitlyart · 4 years

Text

Reading you based on your obey me Kin

i will be ruthless and im not holdin back!! ok now say it with me😈

Lucifer

I kin Lucifer and I have a hard time reaching out to my friends for help even when i know i need it. I don't want people to get worried about me so i mask my issues and help everyone with thier issues, completely disregarding my own needs for a break. in the end i feel alone because regardless of saying im ok, i want someone to truly sit with me and ask me if im ok, but i fear that moment because im not used to dealing with my own issues

Mammon

I kin Mammon and i just want to feel seen and loved. sometimes i do stupid/dumb things to get the seratonin that comes from making people laugh. i feel like no one ever listens to me and it makes me feel insignificant and like the last one to get picked. i truly want to be myself and fear that if im not the odds one out by doing little dumb things people will think im essentially worthless and most likely think im borning. I have a hard time talking about my feelings and want to so desperately, that if i do i won't know what to say or where to start due to the many emotions i've bottled up throughout my life

Levi

I kin Leviathan and i have very bad anxiety. i have a difficult time making friends and part of that reason is bc im scared they already hate me or want nothing to do with me. I know my interests are different from what is considered the norm but i so desperately want to talk and ramble about said interest for hours to someone who will at the very least listen. I get bashed about the things i like by my family and although i dont show it, this hurts me deeply. I lock myself in my room and indulge myself in my favorite things bc each character makes me wish i had certain aspects of them and makes me wish i lived an interesting life but bc of my anxiety it's extremely hard for me to do so. Im also used to being the last one picked and often assume i will always be the last one picked no matter how many times im reassured and deep down i want someone to relish in my own interests with me and truly love and care for me

Satan

I kin Satan and i have a horrible realtionship with my father. I Loathe my father and the tension arises every time we a near one another. A part of me feels terrible that i loathe my father because i know he has his own mind and emotions and i want to forgive him for what he's done but in the end I know it's fruitless to forgive him bc he has put me through alot of pain and hurt. i wish things couldve been different and we couldve had a normal bond. I also hide my emotions very well and am ashamed of ever feeling angry bc it makes me feel like i am horrible person. im also not used to affection and have only ever seeked or felt genuine affection from my pets. I also fear as if i have no personality and that im boring.

Asmodeus

I kin Asmo and i feel like i need to act confident around others in order for them to like me because im too scared to show people my insecurities because i fear they will never view me the same again and leave me in disgust. I want everyone to like me and I also can't handle when someone doesn't want to be my friend or doesn't like me bc i feel if there's something wrong with me. the need to act confident and cute all the time makes me oblivious to the fact that my insecurities shine through at times and make me even more oblivious to the fact people like me for who i am, insecurities and all

Beelzebub

I kin Beel and i have some form of sepreation anxiety towards my favorite person. i often get a sudden fear that something bad will happen to my fav person even though everything is ok. I get made fun of or scolded by my eating habbits and it makes me feel absolutely terrible because i'm trying. i also care very deeply for my family/friends and will do anything for them. i place unnecessarily guilt onto myself and perfer to do so, so that no one else has to bear the burden.

Belphegor

I kin Belphie and i act as if nothing matters but i secretly am very worried and care alot about my friends/family. I also stay up very late because i feel like i have no control over my life during the day and for some reason i feel like staying up late gives me some kind of control. I also hide my emotions with a sarcastic tone and usually think about the the mistakes ive made in my past while i cry in bed. i dont ask others for help emotionally and i want someone to care and listen to me as well as to relish in a calm peaceful life.

/Undatables/

Diavolo

I kin Diavolo and i fear that telling ppl i care about them isn't enough to get the message across so i constantly gift people things in hopes to show them i care. i also fear gifting things too much drives people away from me, i also dont get included much with friends and feel as if i have done something wrong. i also feel very upset when a fun time is over because the feeling of happiness goes with that moment, so i constantly throw little parties and whatnot to relish in the joy but feel upset once it's over. i can also read people well and get put on edge or very cautious when i cannot read someone

Barbatos

I kin barbatos and i constantly take care of others never once letting myself take a break. I hide my emotions behind a smile in order to not worry others and because i dont want dont ppls sense of depency on me to be ruined. i rarely let myself take breaks bc i fear that i wont be there for the person i care about when they need me.

Solomon

I kin solomon and i usually supress my emotions to hide the fact im not very used to being shown affection and that im not as confident as i seem. I also am a very private person but the fact im so secretive makes me disliked by some bc they think i dislike them. i also wish my friends would include me in more events with them and when they dont i bury myself in an activity to hide the fact im upset about it

Simeon

I kin simeon and i want to know and make sure they everyone is ok. i know just how to push and pull people's buttons but i wont abuse this because i care about those people. i'm also very hard to read and perfer to give people advise rather than answers to their problems. The constant taking care of others makes me forget that i also need time to just myself. It takes alot and i mean alot to anger me but once it happens it's not very pretty.

Luke

I kin luke and I want to take care of everyone and often forget to take care of myself. People often dont take me seriously and so i often i find myself baking as a coping mechisim bc it makes me feel in control of little things. I also have a hard time admitting that i care about others and i'll unknowingly show my affection that i do care about them by giving them little gifts and advice. im also very oblivious to certain topics and are i get mad when i get left in the dark about certain topics.

286 notes · View notes

where-theres-smoak-2 · 3 years

Note

Oh man I was scrambling trough tumblr tag and I saw this LB quote about Aleksander: "The Darkling is beautiful, I wanted to create a leader who was charismatic, appealing, a dictator you could imagine yourself following, an antagonist you couldn't just dismiss. [...] The Darkling is beautiful and broken and had a rough childhood, but he's also a brutal, manipulative monster with no regard for human life. He's dangerous because he's seductive, because he evokes sympathy.

…I just don’t even know when to start with this? Can she come off as anymore ignorant and offensive by trying to sound so woke. I mean “beautiful and broken”?! Are you kidding me?!

(Book Spoilers. Trigger Warning: Trauma and Mental Health)

Hmm well I'm not sure you could really sum it up as a 'rough childhood' more like a rough life filled with alot of trauma that has left him isolated and struggling to form human connections. Also I'm not sure I like the term monster for someone who is made the way they are through trauma and also the line about him having no regard for human life is just false he has lines he wont cross which is why he didn't harm the grisha children in book 3 and he was never going to because he values their lives. To be honest though I had some issues with the way LB dealt with trauma and mental health in the books. Not just with Aleks either but with Sergei too, actually I found the way she treated Sergei and his mental health in the last book rather appalling. Sergei is established as being severely traumatised by losing Marie to the point where he struggles to function properly. I think out of all the characters in the trilogy he's depicted as having the worst trauma, all the other characters have bad dreams and what not but Sergei really does find it debilitating and he struggles with day to day tasks like eating, sleeping and even just walking/travelling takes its toll on him. But Alina's attitude towards Sergei at times was troubling. To be clear though I'm not blaming the character for this as it was just the way she was written but she seems to consider Sergei weak and his mental health a hindrance. Here are some extracts from R&R the first is right after Sergei accidently revealed Genya's real name to Nikolai:

I shot to my feet. “What happened?”

“Sergei let her real name slip. He seems to be taking to heights about as well as he took to caves.” I released a growl of frustration. Genya had played a key role in the Darkling’s plot to depose the King. I’d tried to be patient with Sergei, but now he’d put her in danger and jeopardised our position with Nikolai.

Sergei was nowhere to be found. Probably a good thing, since I didn’t have time to give him the pummelling he deserved.

And like I understand that this must have been a frustrating situation but Alina knows that Sergei is struggling with his trauma and that he didn't mean to cause anyone any harm. I can understand her frustration but I really don't like the line about the 'pummelling he deserves'. I just don't like the suggestion that a person who is clearly suffering from a mental health issue deserves to be punished for making a mistake because of his trauma. Here's another instance where Alina is annoyed at Sergei:

Sergei had slowed us during our fight with the militia. He was unstable. I could apologise, offer useless words, but I didn’t know how to help him, and it didn’t change the fact that we were at war. Sergei had become a liability.

Again I get the frustration but again I have issues with the suggestion that because they are at war Sergei should just pull it together. Or even this image that's being painted that people who have mental health issues are just a burden on those around them. People in real life who suffer with similar mental health issues like depression and anxiety often worry about feeling like a burden to their loved ones so this could be really triggering for them. Then there is this from Baghra:

“We came to find you. What’s the matter with that boy?”

“He’s had a hard time of it,” I said, leading them away from the tank room.

“Who hasn’t?”

“He saw the girl he loved gutted by your son and held her while she died.”

“Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each man makes of it."

This one really troubled me because its like LB is saying that you can control your own trauma or decide how the trauma is going to effect you. It's again this suggestion that Sergei is weak because he struggled with his trauma more than others did. But the part that actually kind of disgusted me when I read it and I actually had to stop reading the book for a bit because of how much it upset me is how the characters talk about Sergei after his death. Alina had sent Sergei away because she felt he had become a liability and he then went back to the darkling and told them all the information he had on Alina and co. This move was obviously one born of his trauma and was made out of desperation. On several occasions Sergei has said he is struggling with feeling safe and no matter how hard he tries he never feels safe. Alina even tells us that Sergei had gone back to the darkling looking for reassurance and safety which really makes sense, this man grew up at the LP the one place where grisha could be safe, he grew up under the protection of the darkling. Then he chose to stand with Alina and went through the trauma and grief of losing the woman he loved horrifically in an attack against the LP which was his original safe place. He then never feels safe again so it would make sense for him to go back to what previously had made him feel safe, the LP and the Darkling. But this is what the other characters say about Sergei after he is killed by the darkling:

I sat beside him, unsure what to say. I remembered sitting like this with Sergei in the tank room, searching for words of comfort and failing. Had he been scheming then, manipulating me? His fear had certainly seemed real.

Abruptly, Zoya said, “I should have known Sergei couldn’t be trusted. He was always a weakling.”

Though that seemed unfair, I let it pass.

“Oncat never liked him,” Harshaw added.

Genya fed a branch to the fire. “Do you think he was planning it all along?”

“I’ve been wondering that,” I admitted. “I thought he’d be better once we got out of the White Cathedral and the tunnels, but he almost seemed worse, more anxious.”

Abruptly, Adrik snarled, “I’m glad Sergei’s dead. I’m just sorry I didn’t get to wring his neck myself.”

Steel is earned. Adrik had that steel, and so did Nadia. She’d proven it again in our flight from the Elbjen. A part of me had wondered what Tamar saw in her. But Nadia had been in some of the worst fighting at the Little Palace. She’d lost her best friend and the life she’d always known. Yet she hadn’t fallen apart like Sergei or chosen life underground like Maxim. Through all of it, she’d stayed steady.

And yes again I understand why they feel betrayed but they knew that Sergei was struggling and instead of understanding that Alina is accusing him of manipulating her and Zoya is saying he couldn't be trusted and that he was a weakling. To be honest it kind of reminds me of the way people talk about the darkling. Instead of recognising their trauma and trying to understand they jump straight to well they were a bad, untrustworthy person who was manipulating me.

Then there is the last part where Alina is thinking about how Adrik and Nadia are strong because although they faced trauma they were able to keep going and keep fighting but not Sergei, Sergei was crippled by his grief and his trauma and this means he was weak. Maybe its because I have struggled with crippling mental health issues myself where I couldn't even get out of bed let alone do anything else but I just found this implication that Sergei was weak really offensive to those who do struggle that way. People deal with trauma in different ways and whilst some people can fight through it and will just have a keep calm and carry on attitude others can't, others just fall apart, but that doesn't make them weak. I also don't think this 'just carry on and push through it' attitude towards mental health issues is necessarily a healthy message. If you need help then you should ask for it and be able to have access to it. LB could have used this as an opportunity to show a character who is severely traumatised getting support and help to work through his trauma and heal. But I feel like nobody really helped Sergei and any comfort or support he got seemed to be grudgingly given and there was more of an attitude of I'll try to help you because your issues are a hindrance to me than because any of the characters actually cared about him and wanted to help him.

Sergei and the Darkling were both characters that were 'beautiful and broken' but neither one of them was given the support or help they needed. Instead they were painted as either weak or as a monster. So what kind of message does this send to readers who also struggle with trauma and mental health conditions?

#the darkling #aleksander morozova #anti leigh bardugo #answered #tw mental illness #tw trauma

58 notes · View notes

milkttea · 4 years

Note

can you do some mha boys save you from someone who wont take no for an answer? I dont know if this is your style but i really love your writing! <3

Of course I can! Thank you so much for sending an ask!! Btw I write for just about anything LOL so don’t be afraid to ask!

Also Happy New Year! This year has been tough for everyone so I hope this will help to lessen your nerves! Consider it my gift to you and everyone else!

You were minding your business in the city, having just finished your work for the day. It wasn’t too late in the evening, it just turned to four when you left your apartment.

While you were walking around you got hungry and deciding that you definitely were not in the mood for cooking, but also not eating something completely unhealthy, you went to a take out place that you frequented.

In line, you’d already decided on what you were going to order before you even walked through the door, you’ve ordered from there that many times. Anyway, you didn’t notice the eyes of a man lingering on your form in a disrespectful way. Disgusting we hate to see it, kill all men.

Getting your food and leaving the little take out restaurant you failed to notice the same man following you out of the restaurant and trailing after you. This didn’t go unnoticed to the hero who happened to be on duty and noticed the man following you out of the restaurant.

At first, he didn’t think much of it and resorted to lightly following you with his eyes. It was when the same man turned to the same street as you did and grabbed your arm that he finally went to see if you may need help.

When you felt your arm get grabbed you immediately became filled with anxiety, turning you met eyes with a man that just screamed danger.

“Sorry miss, I just couldn’t help but notice your carrying some heavy bags, do you need some help carrying them back to your house?”

That raised red flags immediately in you and putting on the nicest smile you could while trying to not cry you just shook your head.

“No thank you, I’m fine!” You tried to take your arm out of his grip, but his hold only got tighter, “really it’s fine, thank you for offering to help me though.” Your hands were shaking and you felt like throwing up.

“I’m just trying to be nice here, lady. Geez, what you can’t be nice anymore?! I’m trying to help you!“

The man was now yelling at you and his grip on your arm got impossibly tighter and you guessed there would be a bruise there by tonight.

“Sir please I appreciate the offer, but I really don’t need your help,“ you tried to reason with him.

“You’re so fucking ungrateful, I’m trying to help you you fucking bitch!“

Things were quickly escalating as the man gripped both of your arms now and squeezed them very tightly.

“You’re hurting me! Please let go!”

Before the man could do even more damage a hand reached out to grab his arms and pin them behind his back. Your eyes which had been previously closed opened as you feel the hands of your harasser leave you. Looking at the man you see the pro hero Deku with an angry expression directed towards the man who’s face contorts in pain.

Deku in question looks away from the man and turns to look at you, his face immediately changing from anger to concern. He quickly takes a capture weapon, typically used on villains, and ties the mans hands together then to his feet.

He makes quick work to look at your arms and check for any injuries you may have gotten.

“I’m so sorry I should have acted quicker I just wasn’t sure what this man was planning on doing and-”

He continues to mutter as he fiddles with your arms, holding them much gentler than he did with the tied up man. You just stare at him in wonder, you’ve never met a pro hero before much less one of the most popular and top pro hero.

“I- thank you so much for helping! I wasn’t sure what would happen, honestly thank you so so much!”

He nods and breathes a sigh of relief, which then moves to concern when you wince and let out a whine at a particular spot he rubbed on your arms. The sound led to less than respectful thoughts and made his face warm up, but he pushed them aside in favor of making sure you were feeling better.

“Yeah, still pretty upset at myself for not helping sooner though, um do you need any help because I know you can carry the bags yourself but your arm looks pretty bad right now and you winced when I pressed a little hard and the bags might make it worse and I don’t want you to get hurt even more if I can help it-”

You laugh a little at his muttering, it was kind of cute and fit him perfectly.

“Um yeah- I could use the help but just for a bit after all your a pro and there are much more people who need help than me!”

“Oh it’s fine really I don’t mind helping!”

He proceeds to help you carry the bags you have after taking the man to a police station to report him for harassment. You both make idle chatter as you head to your apartment.

“Hey asshole! Leave the girl alone!”

The man, startled, turns around your forearms still in hand and somehow grips them tighter as his eyes land on a less than pleased pro hero. Realizing that he’s been caught he lets go of your arms and stutters out.

“I was just offering to help her! She was being ungrateful!“

This truly was the weakest excuse he could have ever given because the look on Bakugou’s face said it all.

“Don’t try to lie scumbag, I saw you follow her out the restaurant and harass her.”

The man realizing that Bakugou wouldn’t let up he stupidly tries to make a run for it. Bakugou having quick reflexes puts his hand over your eyes and lets off a flash bang that stops the man in his tracks as he furiously rubs his eyes.

“If there's one thing I hate it’s guys that can’t take a NO especially when a person tells you repeatedly.”

Bakugou says this as he grips the mans arm and leads his away to a nearby cop and explains the situation with a huff. He returns to where you are as you just stare at him for a brief second, before eventually letting out a small thank you as you rub at your arms to try to relieve the pain from the tight grip of the man.

“She was an ungrateful bitch! I offered to help her for free! You here me you ungrateful who-!”

Bakugou shares a look with the cop before hitting the guy in the neck, effectively knocking him unconscious. He talks with the cop before making his way back to you.

He notices you rubbing your arm and makes a face.

“Hey

Considering that this whole thing started with you refusing you would accept anyway, but considering the fact that your arms were now in pain it would probably be best for you to get some help.

“Thank you for your help! I really appreciate it.“

You rub your arms as Bakugou looks at you briefly, before letting a slight smile show up on his face.

“Should probably take self defense classes dumbass, you could have seriously gotten hurt,“ Bakugou responds as he follows your lead to your apartment. He didn’t know why he offered to help you, maybe because he felt like you were weak.

Either way, you were happy for his help and waved goodbye to him once you got back into your apartment and gave him a smile.

Ice shot out from seemingly nowhere and froze the mans legs to the ground, the action surprised him and caused him to let go of your arms and you hurriedly backed away from him.

Shocked at what just happened you look around before your eyes land on the pro hero Shoto who offers a slight nod as he goes towards the man with a less than pleasant expression on his face.

“Hey what the hell man?! I was helping the dame out and she wouldn’t take my fucking help! Freeze her not me!”

Todoroki now on the scene blankly states at the man who tries to free himself from the ice as his face lowers into a harsh glare.

“You were harassing this young lady and wouldn’t leave her alone, learn to take no for an answer.”

He freezes the mans hands and legs together before going to your side and making an ice chunk to put on your arms.

“I apologize for not coming earlier I didn’t realize his intentions, I should have acted sooner,” he says with regret laced in his voice.

A little shiver runs down your spine at the feeling of the ice block on your arms, but you offer a smile to him in gratitude.

“I’m just glad you were here when you were, Shoto,” you respond with a slight blush on your face at how close he was.

His face wasn’t too better as he forgets for a brief second that his hero name was his first name, he decided he liked the way his name sounded coming from you. Using his quirk to cool down his face he looks at your bags that have since fallen on the floor.

“I could help you bring your stuff back to wherever to you need to go? Your arms don’t seem too injured, but straining them won’t do you any good,” he hoped he didn’t sound rude, thankfully he didn’t and you let out a slight laugh.

“Yeah I guess you’re right, kind of need my arms to work at their best for my job and life really.”

Todoroki picks up your bags and walks with you towards your residence, waving down an officer on the way and pointing them towards the man who harassed you.

#bnha #mha #mha midoriya #mha bakugou #bnha midoriya #bnha bakugou #x reader #bnha x reader #bakugou x reader #midoriya x reader #todoroki x reader #mha todoroki #bnha todoroki

168 notes · View notes

noona-clock · 4 years

Text

False Hope

Genre: AU, Friends to Lovers

Pairing: Jae x You

Warnings: Anxiety

Words: 3,835

You let out what could only be described as a combination of a sigh and a whine as you, yet again, opened your eyes to glare at your bedroom ceiling.

Your mind was racing, as it was wont to do -- this was nothing new whatsoever, and thinking about all the work you needed to get done for your job tomorrow and the day after was preventing you from getting any sort of rest.

With the arm closest to your side table, you reached over and felt around the surface for your phone. The last time you had checked the clock, it had been about half past one in the morning; what time was it now? You’d been lying here trying -- and failing, obviously -- to go to sleep for what seemed like quite a while now... maybe it was two? Quarter past?

When you brought your phone up to your face and saw what time it actually was, another sigh-whine escaped from your lips.

2:45 AM.

So, you’d been attempting sleep for over an hour since the last time you’d looked at your phone. And for quite a few hours before that, too. Since 10 PM, to be exact.

...Yeah, you weren’t getting any sleep tonight.

As you turned over onto your side, you unplugged your phone and typed in your passcode to bring up your text messages. There was only one thing you could do at a time like this: text Jae.

You weren’t sure why you were surprised when you saw him read your message almost instantly.

More often than not, when you couldn’t sleep, Jae was also experiencing the same trouble. You imagined that if the two of you shared a room, you would have many -- many -- late night/early morning conversations because neither of you could sleep.

But... you weren’t sure why you would share a room with Jae because he was your friend. One of your very good, very close friends, but not the type to share a room with.

When you saw his typing bubble pop up, you shook your head a little, dismissing the thoughts of being in the same bedroom as Jae.

...What did he mean ‘what’s up’? It was almost three in the morning. Did he think you would be texting him about something important?

Since both of you currently lived alone, you had no qualms about talking on the phone in the middle of the night; nobody else was around for you to disturb, and usually talking to Jae helped ease your mind -- at least enough for you to be able to actually go to sleep.

As soon as you saw his call come through, you accepted it and put him on speakerphone.

“Yo,” he said, his voice groggy and quieter than normal.

“Hey,” you sighed.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

With a groan, you replied, “I just have so much to get done in the next couple of days for work, and I can’t stop thinking about how I’m going to do it all. Trying to schedule out each task and what I need to do if I don’t finish something because then I would have to work on it next week but I have meetings and a big presentation next week so I really can’t afford to add something else to my workload and my dad called me earlier and said my mom is starting to get headaches again but they can’t afford any more treatments especially if she has to stop working so what if I have to move back in with my parents again to help them out and what would I do with all of my furniture and stuff I mean I can’t just sell everything because I’ll need it eventually but I can’t take it with me because there’s no room and I guess I could find a storage place but I don’t know how long I would have to live with them and --”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Jae interrupted gently.

You were honestly glad he did, though. You hadn’t any idea you were going to ramble like that when you’d started talking. Apparently, you were more anxious about things than you even realized.

“Sor -- sorry,” you breathed, your chest heaving slightly from having said so much in so little amount of time.

“No, you don’t need to be sorry,” he told you. “I just wanted to stop you before you hyperventilated.”

A soft, self-deprecating chuckle escaped your lips, and you murmured, “Thanks.”

You heard Jae take a breath and then there was a pause during which you could clearly imagine him pressing his lips together in thought. And then he said, “I’m sorry all this is happening to you right now. If there’s anything I can do, you know you can come to me, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” you replied. Jae was just that kind of friend. He may not always remember your birthday or remember to text you back (really, the only time he was good about that was when he was lying in bed having trouble sleeping), but he was reliable as hell when you needed a listening ear or some advice about something. You could trust him -- and you did, with every fiber of your being.

“You’ll get everything done you need to get done,” he assured you. “I know you, and I know how hard you work. It may seem daunting, but you got it. And if you don’t finish, call me over and I’ll help.”

“Okay,” you chuckled, a soft grin tugging at the corners of your lips. “I will.”

“And... about your family. I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to think about all the things that could happen. Doing that never sends you down a pleasant road. If you focus too much on the future, you’ll forget about the present.”

“Ah, yes, you are an expert at focusing on the present, aren’t you?” you replied teasingly -- because he really, really wasn’t. He was just as bad, if not worse, than you when it came to worrying about tomorrow or the next day or the day after that.

“Dude, shut up,” he scoffed. “I’m trying to help you.”

“I know, I know,” you grinned. “Thank you, really. And I know when the sun rises, everything will seem a lot better.”

“Except for the fact you have to go work on barely any sleep.”

“Very true.”

You let out yet another sigh and rolled onto your back before remembering that it was almost three in the morning, and Jae was up for a reason, too.

“What about you?” you asked. “Why can’t you sleep?”

Unexpectedly, there was a slightly awkward pause after you asked that.

You furrowed your brow gently and opened your mouth to ask Jae if he was all right, but he answered before you got the chance.

“Nothing -- just general -- y’know, same old same old.”

You immediately narrowed your eyes in suspicion.

“Jae,” you chided. “Come on. You can tell me.”

Never in your several years of friendship had Jae ever not told you why he couldn’t sleep. The two of you had crossed that threshold so long ago; you were comfortable telling each other anything.

At least... you thought you were comfortable telling each other anything.

“I... I don’t think I can,” he murmured.

“Of course you can! You know I’ll never judge you, and if it’s something you don’t want anyone else to know --”

“No, it’s not -- it’s not that, Y/N --”

“Then what? Please -- Jae, I just want to help --”

“I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about you,” he blurted out.

You immediately froze, your mouth hanging open mid-sentence but emitting no sound whatsoever. Every single part of you just froze, including your heart.

In your mind, you said ‘Excuse me, what? What do you mean you can’t stop thinking about me? Do you mean in a romantic way?’ But, for some reason, you could find absolutely no way to say that out loud.

As if Jae could actually hear your inner thoughts, though, he said, “I can’t stop thinking about you. I... think I’m falling for you.”

All right, that answered your question, then.

...Jae had feelings for you? For you? Feelings? Jae? You?

“You --” you began, but the next words got lodged in your throat and you couldn’t continue.

Jae let out a very disappointed sigh, and to be honest, it kind of broke your heart. “It’s okay,” he muttered. “I didn’t expect... Things won’t get weird between us, I promise. You can still text me when you can’t sleep.”

You nodded, forcing yourself to choke out an “Okay.”

“Is... there... anything else you want to talk about?” he asked. It was very obvious he was trying his best to be normal, trying his best to push away all the awkwardness his confession had created.

And if he was trying his best, then so should you.

“If you could clone anyone -- person or animal -- who would it be?” you asked.

Jae didn’t answer right away, and you knew -- hoped -- that meant his lips were curving into one of his adorable little grins.

“My --”

“Don’t say ‘myself,’” you interrupted with a laugh.

“Why not?! I could make my clone do all the boring stuff so I can just game and eat and maybe actually get some sleep!”

“You can’t say yourself, that’s just the rule of the game!”

“It’s not a game! You just asked me a question!”

“Well, I’m making it a rule,” you retorted.

“Questions don’t have rules!” Jae argued.

“Mine do.”

“Who would you clone?” he asked.

A grin immediately appeared on your lips, and you said, “I would clone you.”

“Wha -- me? Why me?”

“So I could make you do all my boring stuff so I could just eat and watch TV and sleep.”

Jae burst out laughing, and the sound of it made your heart feel so warm and fluffy. “What? No, no, no, dude,” he protested. “You can’t clone me so I can be your servant, that’s messed up!”

“I can! And I would!” you giggled.

“Okay, so then, I would clone you and do the exact same thing.”

“That’s fair!” you assured him. “But if the clone was actually a carbon copy of me, you know I would never do all the work and let you just sit on your ass, right?”

“Wait, but I thought the clones were more like robots,” he pointed out.

“Who said they were like robots?”

“I don’t know, I just assumed!”

“So, you would make robot me do all your chores while you just sit around and watch?” you asked, hoping the playful smile on your lips wasn’t showing through in your voice.

“You would, too! You brought it up first!” Jae accused, but you could hear the laughter behind his words, and it made your smile grow wider.

“Wow, what a great friend you are,” you replied with teasing sarcasm.

“What the hell, man,” Jae chuckled. “Be quiet.”

This was exactly what you loved about having Jae as a friend. The two of you could go from talking about serious issues one minute to laughing and teasing each other about robot clones the next. He could comfort you and distract you. Help you and amuse you. You truly valued your friendship with him -- more than anything, really.

...Were his romantic feelings going to put a wrench in that? Even though he promised it wouldn’t?

Surprisingly, after you hung up with Jae, you did manage to get some sleep. Only a few hours, but it was enough to have a dream.

And... what a dream it had been.

While some parts had been kinda weird -- as dreams usually were -- the main plot had been that...

Well.

Jae had been your boyfriend.

Holding hands, cuddling, hugging, kissing... the whole deal.

You knew you’d had a dream like this because Jae had admitted he was starting to develop feelings for you, so the idea of being in a romantic relationship with him had been introduced into your brain.

But... did that explain the fact that you woke up feeling... really... nice? That you didn’t want the dream to end? That you wanted to go back to sleep and continue on living that scenario of Jae being your boyfriend?

And did it explain the fact that you spent basically the entire workday thinking about it? And basically the entire rest of the week? And most likely the upcoming weekend?

Well, at least you hadn’t been overthinking and worrying about all the work you needed to get done (which you did get done, by the way). And your dad had called you on Friday afternoon after your mom’s doctor’s appointment, saying she was just fine, so there was that, too.

But as you left work on Friday evening, you found that finishing your workload and receiving good news about your mom’s health only freed up your mind to think even more about your Jae Boyfriend dream.

This was not good.

And it was not good mainly because Fridays were your “Hang out with Jae in the evening” days. It had become tradition sometime last year, and since then, you’d hardly ever missed a week. If you told him you couldn’t make it tonight -- just a few days after he’d confessed his developing feelings for you -- wouldn’t that be just a bit too obvious? Even though your reason for skipping would actually be... not that?

No, you had to hang out with him tonight as you usually did. You had to pretend like everything was as it usually was.

So, when your phone started vibrating as you headed toward the bus stop, a small smile tugged at your lips and you answered without hesitating.

“What are we ordering tonight?” you asked in lieu of a greeting.

“I was thinking chicken,” Jae answered. “Sound good?”

“Absolutely. Just make sure I get my potato wedges this time,” you warned, only half-teasing. The restaurant had forgotten them last time, and while you thoroughly enjoyed the chicken itself, your meal would have been that much better with potato wedges.

Jae chuckled softly, and the sound made your heart do this weird little flippy thing. And the thought of his smile made it flip even more.

“Don’t worry, I will make sure they include your potato wedges -- on penalty of death.”

“Much appreciated. I’m almost to the bus stop, and the bus is pulling up, so I gotta go. See you soon?”

“Yeh,” he murmured. “Safe travels.”

“Bye!” you chirped before quickly hanging up and picking up the pace so you could make it to the stop on time.

As soon as you sat down on the bus after scanning your card, you got out your phone again and pulled up your favorite game. If you simply sat on the bus all the way to Jae’s place with nothing to distract you, you would start thinking about your dream again. And you had to do everything you possibly could to not think about your dream right before you saw him. If you, in any way, held the image of Jae being your boyfriend in your mind when you arrived for your weekly hangout, you felt like you would be giving him false hope.

Jae was too precious to you to do that.

But... even though you focused all of your energy on your phone game the entire bus ride... as soon as Jae opened the door and grinned at you, the imagery from your dream -- your warm, glorious, wonderful dream -- came rushing back to you.

You remembered what it had felt like to hug him. To hold his hand. To kiss him.

“Y/N, you okay?” Jae asked with a slightly furrowed brow.

You jumped a little, not realizing you had been standing there staring as everything about your dream had filled your mind.

“Y--yeah,” you breathed. “Yeah, sorry. Just... long week.”

Jae opened the door wider, and you stepped through, hanging your bag and jacket up on the hooks by his door.

“Have you heard from your parents yet?” he asked as he gently closed the door behind you.

“Oh! Yes, my -- my dad called me just before I left work,” you told him. “All her tests came back fine, so the doctor said there’s nothing to worry about.”

Jae left out a soft sigh of relief, and your heart clenched at the sound of it -- in a good way. He was just such a sweet person to care so much about your mom. How had you never realized how sweet he was?

“The chicken will be here soon,” he told you, once again interrupting your thoughts. “Wanna game while we wait?”

You raised your eyebrows slightly and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, sure.”

Jae headed over to his couch then, and you followed suit, perching on the cushion next to him and reaching for your favorite game controller on the coffee table.

He barely even got to the start menu of your collectively favorite game before he stopped and turned toward you.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

You jerked a little with surprise and glanced over at him.

“...What do you mean?”

“Something’s wrong, I can tell. It’s not your mom... is it work?”

“No -- no, everything’s fine,” you assured him.

Jae let out another sigh -- this one not of relief but of minor annoyance -- and set down his controller, leaving the start menu playing over and over again on the television screen.

“Come on,” he urged. “I know something’s bothering you. And we tell each other everything. I told you something I would’ve rather not told you... You can trust me, and I want to help.”

You furrowed your brow down at the controller in your hands, your fingers gently running over the buttons without actually pressing them.

He had a point. A pretty good one.

So, just like he had a few days ago, you blurted out your answer. “I had a dream the other night where we were dating and it felt really nice and I’m sure it was just because of what you told me but it still felt really nice and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and now I just kind of want to kiss you to see what it actually feels like but I don’t want to give you false hope or anything because I really don’t know --”

“It’s okay,” Jae interjected, though his tone was far more casual than you would’ve expected.

You paused, furrowing your brow even more and turning your head to look over at him. “...What’s okay?”

“You can totally kiss me,” he replied with a shrug. “I don’t mind, and I won’t automatically think we’re together. I’m an adult! I know how these things work!”

“...Are you sure?” you asked warily.

“Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, nothing more.”

Well, this was something you never knew about Jae -- though it wasn’t surprising considering the two of you had never discussed kissing before.

You stared at him for a few moments more, and then... before you lost your nerve... you went for it.

You leaned in and swiftly captured his lips, moving your hands to cradle his face.

At first, you thought you didn’t really feel anything. Your lips were on his, gently pulling and sucking on them, but... that was it. But then you felt his arms slide around your waist. He pulled you just a little bit closer. He clutched at the back of your shirt. He delicately caressed the small of your back with his thumb.

And your heart and stomach and lungs and basically everything in your body went wild. There was fluttering and somersaulting and leaping. You couldn’t tell if your heart was up in your throat or down in your stomach. You couldn’t tell if there were a billion small butterflies flying around in there or if it was just one giant dragon. You couldn’t tell if you wanted him to stop immediately or keep kissing you forever.

...Okay, that was a total lie. You definitely wanted him to keep kissing you forever.

And that thought, ironically enough, made you pull away. You searched his face as you continued to cradle it in your palms, trying to both catch your breath and think of something to say.

Luckily, Jae beat you to it.

“...Did it feel as nice as in your dream?” he murmured.

You nodded.

“So... what do you wanna do?”

That was a very good question.

What did you want to do?

Slowly, you let your hands fall from his face, but your eyes never left his for even a millisecond. It was like you were hoping the answer to that question was somewhere in his eyes, and if you just kept looking, eventually you would find it.

But, of course, you didn’t. So, you simply responded with a question of your own.

“You really do... have feelings for me?”

A very attractive smirk tugged at one corner of Jae’s lips before he said, “Yeah. I do.”

“Like -- really and truly? Because the last thing I want is to eventually ruin our friendship --”

Jae interrupted you by ducking in and briefly pressing his lips to yours.

“Really and truly,” he whispered. “Trust me.”

And... for some reason, that was all you needed to hear. Trust me. Because you did trust him. You knew you could because he had always been there for you. He had always been by your side whether or not you needed him to be.

So, you nodded. You tipped your chin in a very tiny nod, and when the loveliest smile spread across Jae’s mouth, you couldn’t stop yourself from indulging in yet another kiss.

Except a knock on his front door cut through the air before you had the chance to actually kiss him, and Jae sprung off the couch to go answer it.

You knew it had to be the chicken delivery, so you called out after him. “Make sure they brought my potato wedges!”

“On penalty of death!” he replied just before he opened the door.

You bit your lip to keep from smiling, and a thought rushed into your mind -- the thought that your late night, can’t sleep phone conversations would probably be pretty different from now on.

I mean... you would probably still talk about robot clones and dinosaurs and the Mandela Effect and soulmates and all that. You would still tell each other everything. You would still listen to each other and be there for each other.

So... never mind. Your conversations wouldn’t be all that different. Just everything else would.

And you knew now it wasn’t false hope. It was very real, and... it was perfect.

416 notes · View notes

wkemeup · 3 years

Note

i'm so so so sorry but I really need to rant and idk where else to go because no one understands my cry for help so please feel to disregard and ignore this i really don't want to burden you

*deep breath* okay here it goes [tw// self harm]

i can literally feel my mental healthy plummeting and no one actually notices, not even my family. i don't have the energy to wake up, but neither can i fall asleep. i have to force myself to do the simplest tasks like eat or drink water or take a shower.

today was especially bad: i didn't get enough sleep but i was trying my best, but honestly i have no energy to anything, especially school work. my teachers all decided to call my mom up and complain about assignments i haven't turned in and how i never turn my camera on in class. and i feel terrible because my mom was so embarrassed and i couldn't even tell her that even thinking of school work makes me feel exhausted and the thought of turning my camera on gives me so much anxiety that I start shaking.

i really don't even expect people to get it at this point because I've been struggling with all this in my head for so long—and I did start getting better but somehow everything is going downhill again and i don't even know what triggered this.

i did ask my mom if she could take me to therapy but she ignored me, and honest i don't even care at this point. I've been fighting self harm issues since i was 12 and recently i started again, and even though it makes me feel absolutely disgusting afterwards, it does make me feel better for a split second.

I'm genuinely so sorry for burdening you with all this but for some reason i can't cry to let out my feelings and this is all i could think of. if you did, in fact, read this, i just want to say thank you because you're a wonderful person.

Okay, so first thing I will say, is that no one can read your mind. I know you mentioned asking your mom about therapy already, and I'm not sure how old you are so idk if you're able to go on your own (potentially through school), but it's really hard for people to understand what you're going through unless you tell them. Therapy really sounds like something that could be helpful for you. If your mom knew what’s really going on with you and how you’re feeling, maybe she’d be more inclined to help you get there.

I will say that even though you're struggling with simple tasks like showering and eating, I'm proud of you for doing those things anyway!

When it comes to zoom - maybe use your camera on your computer and sit with it on for a while before the class starts. That will help you get used to seeing yourself on the camera and to the anxiety. When you're in the actual zoom, if you're able to, maybe switch the page so that you're looking at other people and not yourself. For your classwork - break it up into smaller mini assignments you can do a little at a time. So that way it wont feel so overwhelming.

I'm sorry this has been so hard for you lately, especially with restarting self harm. I usually encourage people to try intense exercise (like HIIT training) or cold temperatures when you have an urge to harm. So for example, holding ice in your hands/temples, taking a freezing shower, filling a bowl of ice water and dunking your face in it. It helps to shock your body away from the urge and is unpleasant/stinging without actually harming you. ALWAYS follow this up with self soothing skills of anything that helps you feel comforted and relaxed.

I hope this helps

#inbox #tw: self harm

12 notes · View notes

paracosm-and-dissociation · 3 years

Note

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a romantic matchup for southpark? If you do multiple maybe Friday night funkin, but don’t feel pressured. My pronouns are They/Them and I’m pansexual with a preference to masculinity. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus, moon sign is Gemini. Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. I’m into dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers and murder documentaries. I also like to visit abandoned hospitals and houses just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. A friend of mine even likes to call me "discount vomitboyx". I’ve also been called "doomer boy kinnie", and "Remake of Daria" before. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people. When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. Lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’ve been told I’m also a laidback person. I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above. I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( My Chemical Romance, Arch Enemy, MurderDolls, Slipknot, Get Scared, sometimes Will Wood, Jazmin Bean or Mother Mother, etc. ), or even occasionally gaming on my switch or reading and talk about Greek mythology. I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive, and I suffer from asperger syndrome, insomnia, depression and anxiety. I have small tics, but they only flare when I’m stressed or mad. Along with stims where I bite the inside of my cheek, pull my hair, fidget with my fingers and tap my foot. I even hiss or squeal when I’m upset. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. If you do get to this, thanks for your time. - coii

Sure one South Park matchup right up! sorry it took so long this was the first matchup i’ve ever done

SOUTH PARK :

i ship you with....

Craig Tucker! he isn’t all that much taller than you believe it or not

i feel Craig is an ambivert so he understands that you are an introvert and wont make you be social if you dont want to.

Craig doesn’t really care how you dress but he likes the color black.

You take a liking to morbid and gruesome things? Craig gets a little concerned but not alot (i headcanon he’s really chill) but he’s like 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘣𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴? 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵?

Craig will come with you to abandoned houses and hospitals but he doesn’t get why you like it so much.

When Craig finds out that you are intimidated by everyone he tries to make it so you only ever talk to a small group of like 1-3 maybe 4 sometimes. Craig doesn’t mind your

Craig tries to keep you away from people that are overly-sensitive or annoying since you don’t handle them well and he also can’t stand kids.

He can stand idiocy but since you cant he will try to tell them to f**k off.

Animal person? animal person. i headcanon that Craig also really likes animals but just hides it so you two probably have an animal or two around

When you become closed off Craig gives you your space and waits until you open up again

Craig is also laidback so yay laidback people

Craig doesnt like that you bottle up your opinions he thinks you should voice them and often tries to get you to

Craig usually doesn’t let get to the point where you become aggressive because he’s probably moved you too another place

if you’re drawing Craig will ask to see it when you’re done if you are okay with it.

Craig doesn’’t like reading that much but when you read he usually tries to keep it quiet around the house so that you can read in peace.

Craig lets you listen to your music on your own and usually finds his own thing to do sometimes he will listen to it with you if you want him to or its Get Scared

Craig definitely wants to play with you on your switch, if you dont want him too he’s okay with it though

Craig doesn’t know anything about Greek Mythology he knows like Zeus and that’s it

Craig doesn’t like plushies but won’t complain about them just tells you to keep them organized or something, finds it really cute when he sees you cuddled up to them tho

Like i showed earlier Craig wont make you be social if you dont want to with asperger

He will try to suggest different ways to help you fall asleep with insomnia (i usually watch satisfying videos to help with mine!)

He will get you therapist and will help you with your depression, no one wants their lover to have depression after all

Depending on how severe your anxiety can get if you are close to a panic attack he find you something to calm you or just makes you lay down if you can pass out from anxiety he will still make you lay down if it’s mild he just tries to get you to take your mind off things

Notices when your tics starts and tries to help

Biting the inside of your cheek is bad so Craig is always trying to get you to stop and also tries to stop you from pulling your hair out

He doesn’t mind your other stims and just lets it happen

Craig notices right away when you are developing an eating disorder and tries to help you, either it be eating too much or too little

I hope you like it! im not really good with these types of things

#south park #south park matchups #Craig Tucker x reader

13 notes · View notes

tamhrayis · 3 years

Note

r u already physically and mentally ok? bc i am still not feeling very good. the ending is the only thing i can think of, however much i try to distract myself from that. i still cant properly eat and sleep. i still cry a lot. i still have stomach ache and have trouble consuming food. i still cant concentrate on anything bc my mind constantly thinks about aot ending. i am one of those people who think ending was average (like it wasnt satisfactory enough, but also not terrible). the thing is that i really wanted to see EM happy together in the end. my brain costantly thinks about how brutally Mikasa had to kill Eren and how she sits under that tree next to his grave and misses him... this just hurts so much. like my rational part tries to tell myself that it is only a fiction, it is not real so i shouldnt make such a fuss around that, but my emotional part (which is now unfortunatelly much stronger) can't let it go... like i have now even a problem to watch anything related to aot. like when i go on youtube and it recommends me some aot videos i cant even bring myself to click on them without them triggering even more pain in me... idk i got probably so attached to EM and wanted to really see them happy together after everything they went through that this ending hurt me in the worst possible way. i want to move on with my life so it wont hurt me anymore, but i just cant because my mind always slips to EM and their ending (which triggers even more pain) and also i am not in any other "fandom" except aot so i dont even have big passion for anything else where i could "escape" from aot. i tried to watch some movies yesterday and today as a distraction, but it still didnt help bc my mind always goes back to aot ending... like i feel mentally and physically really awful and i want it to stop but i dont know what to do. it is like i have no control over it. do u have any advice what to do to stop feeling so bad? how much time do u think its gonna take until i will feel normal again? if you or any of your followers have any advice what to do or just some comfort words - they are very much appreciated. thanks for hearing me out and im sorry for the long ask i just needed to tell and ask someone and u seem like a very nice person. <3

Anon, I am very sorry for how you feel these days. I totally understand and I also want you to recover as soon as possible.

Your state really reminds me of how I felt when ch.138 came out. I didn’t cry that much, but maybe...it was because of the leaks I’ve read before the chapter or just how I lived during that time. I couldn’t normally eat, sleep and simply function, because every time I did something, it just ended up being another breathing exercise session, because I really couldn’t get myself to do something without thinking about ch.138.

But instead of checking social media and trying to find a distraction in my phone, I just tried to distance myself from it. One of the things that really helped me to cope was...cleaning😂 I don’t know how it will be for you, but cleaning really distracted me and eased my mind. Also, on the day when ch.138 was officially released, i needed to go outside with my friend and tbh, these two really helped me to deal with the anxiety. I took me a full week to recover, but nevertheless...I just tried to find some ways to think about something else. I also did my school work, talked to my friends, watched another animes and just continued to live.

As for how I am still mentally and physically okay...I am just that type of person who is used to let things go. Be it people leaving my life, materialistic stuff that I lose or how things don’t go my way, I just don’t feel as sad about it as I used to, because nothing is permanent in this world and everything has an end. I knew that AoT will end someday and I used to tell myself that no matter what kind of ending it will be, I will be okay.

It’s not like “I will accept any crappy ending”, but more like “I know that Isayama won’t scrap his work and no matter what he does, it’ll be meaningful”. I knew that getting a happy-go-lucky ending won’t be possible as I used to think, and maybe that was my fault for believing it...But I am happy with this ending, because it wasn’t closed and precise enough.

As for Mikasa, I see where you are coming from, but Mikasa didn’t brutally killed him. She finally freed him from the burden of this world. Yes, it would be so great if they lived together, had a family and just spend the rest of their lives as they wished for.

But realistically, knowing how many problems Eren’s existence will bring and their conscientious nature...They still wouldn’t find peace, because as Armin mentioned that even if titans stopped to exist, it doesn’t mean that the world will just come to peace. No, they will need to work and create that peace by themselves, but again, Eren’s life would be full of responsibilities and burden all over again.

If the writing was different and Isayama made his story a little more hopeful in some ways...I think we would get something different, but that’s only my speculations.

I genuinely want you to get better and be happy again! You’re amazing and loved. Thank you for sharing. I feel very touched🤧

#I hope I could help 🥺#attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #t-talks #ask

15 notes · View notes

bakubabes-tatakae · 4 years

Note

Hello! I was wondering if it was okay to request a one shot for Gaara and his crush, where they had a bad relationship in the past but still want to open their heart to him and he reassures them? If it is too much, headcanons are also fine ^^ Thank you very much!

Past Wrongdoings || Gaara x Reader

AO3 Link

Word Count: 1,249

Warnings: domestic abuse mentioned

For the Kazekage to show any kind of emotions toward someone was a huge feat. Gaara hid them well, only pulling them out when he deemed necessary. He was afraid that if he showed to much weakness his people wouldn’t take him seriously, it took him a lot to get to where he was. The one person that saw his emotions more than anyone else was you. You were the thing that kept him going when he didn’t think that he could. You were the one person that could make him smile when he felt like he never would again.

You were happy to do so for him. Gaara had let you see things that not even Temari and Kankuro had seen in him. He was your best friend, the one that you could talk to about anything and everything, but even then there were some things that you had hidden from him.

You had hidden from him things in your past that you knew that you shouldn’t. You knew that you should have told him about your last relationship, but you didn’t want him to be burdened with it. Gaara was your protector, he had never wanted anything to happen to you. Your tears were the last things he had wanted to see.

You had never told him how the last guy had spent his time demeaning you, doing anything that he could to harm you. The words that had left his mouth had cut you deep. Deeper than any physical wound could. He had never left those out either tho. You could still feel the bruises even though they no longer littered your body like they used to. You had told Gaara they had been from missions that you had been on, and when you hadn’t been on any recently you had blamed it on training.

Gaara always had that uneasy feeling about it, but he would never push the issue. He had been afraid that it would push you away from him. Without proof he could do nothing, but he had always vowed that if he found out he was harming you he would come down on him with the wrath of a Kazekage. They didn’t deem him the strongest in the village and give him the title for nothing.

As you sat outside the Kazekage’s estate, enjoying the sunlight of the day you heard footsteps coming up behind you. The familiar light steps of Temari. You turned to her, her face gleaming as she approached. “Y/n, hey! Gaara is looking for you.” She re-situated her fan on her back. “He didn’t say why. He just wanted me to grab you for him.”

You knew you had a puzzled look on your face, but you stood and thanked her. What could Gaara possibly want from you? A mission maybe? As you approached his office you had found it already open. He was sitting at his desk, finishing up some paperwork. As he heard your footsteps he looked up. “Y/n, please, come in.”

You walked in, slowly approaching his desk. “What’s up? I heard you were looking for me.”

“Yes,” He put his pen down and slowly stood, coming around the desk and leaning against it. “I’m glad Temari got to you in a decent time this time. We both know how she’s famous for procrastinating.”

You laughed a little. “Yea, that’s Temari for you.”

“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about. It’s been eating at me for months now.” His face changed some as you watched him. His nervousness started to show and you could feel his tension radiating off of him. “You might want to sit first.” He motioned toward the couch beside the two of you.

You obliged and sat down, him sitting next to you. As he sat your knees touched, just the small touch making your heart pound. Gaara took your hand in his, but you pulled back by instinct. Your body tensed as you took your hand back, but as you saw the confusion on his face you calmed some. “Sorry.”

He took your hand again. “No need to apologize.” He swallowed hard, the lump in his throat as he tried to speak growing larger with each word. “I just wanted to get something off my chest. I’ve been holding them in so long that I’m afraid they’ll overcome me if I don’t.” Your own throat felt like it would close as you listened to his words. “I like you Y/n, I have for a long time. Not just the friendship kind of like where we get along well and spend time together. The kind of thing where I want to spend all my time with you. The feeling where if I don’t get to see you then I feel like I’ll be overcome with sadness.” He sighed. “I’m not good with this whole feelings thing Y/n, you of all people know that.”

You were shocked by his words. You trusted him now, but trust was something hard for you to keep. Did you like Gaara? Sure, you had for a long time, but you couldn’t go through the same things again. You couldn’t take that chance. “Gaara, I can’t… There’s something I never told you.”

His eyes turned soft as he heard the hurt in your voice. “What do you mean?”

“My last relationship, the guy that left the village, he didn’t leave just because he needed a change of scenery. He left because I told him if he didn’t I would report him to you.” Your voice cracked as you spoke the last few words. The trauma of your time with that man coming back into the forefront of your thoughts. “My bruises were never from missions or training Gaara. I’m sorry I lied to you. I was afraid of what might happen, and I loved him.”

Gaara’s eyes grew wide, anger filling his face. “You know you can trust me Y/n.”

“I know Gaara, but I also know how you feel about the people around you getting hurt. I didn’t want anything bad to happen.”

Gaara placed his hand on your cheek, his touch seeming to calm you some. This was the first time another person’s intimate touch hadn’t given you flashbacks. “He’s gone now. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I know Gaara. I just… I can’t bring myself to trust anyone anymore.” You put your hand over his. “I’m so scared that the same thing will happen again. Don’t ask me why I am. I know you would never dream of it, and I wont to be with you. I really do. I have for a long time, but my brain won’t let it happen.”

Gaara was one of the most understanding people you had ever met. “Take all the time that you need. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here waiting for you whenever you’re ready. If it takes a week, a month, or a year, I’ll still be here.” He leaned forward some and as his face approached yours you could feel your anxiety climbing. But as his lips touched yours it began to fade and a feeling of security washed over you.

You smiled into the kiss, speaking to him. “Thank you Gaara.”

“Anything for you Y/n. You’re the one who holds my heart. It belongs to no one else. Please, just keep it with you and know that it’ll always keep you safe.”

Naruto Content Taglist 💕 @chidori-mint @praisingkuroosbedhead @korianrdr @ari-hatake15

#gaara x reader #gaara request #gaara imagines #gaara fanfic #gaara #gaara fanfiction #kazekage gaara imagines #kazekage gaara #naruto x reader #naruto fanfiction #naruto requests #naruto imagines #naruto fanfic #naruto #naruto shippuden #kazekage

196 notes · View notes

snally · 3 years

Text

its late so maybe nobody will see this but: oh boy what a couple of days lol. working very hard on my comic, I attempted a buffer but did not succeed LOL so I've been working on each page as they come basically, I don't love it but I'm starting off with a dumbass prologue pretty much so I can figure this kind of stuff out before I get to the main story. so yeah the last couple of pages really stressed me out because I procrastinated on them, as I am wont to do; going into this I had no idea how aiming to upload the same day every week was going to go for me, I'm pretty loosy goosy about deadlines so I easily saw myself skipping weeks or being like "i'll just upload late tomorrow instead" or something. that has NOT been the case, the past few times I still needed to finish stuff on wednesday (upload day) and it activated my anxiety SOOO bad, but I got through lol, but definitely learned right away that my anxiety brain does NOT like me potentially missing comic deadlines or crunching at the last minute lmao, very interesting. So I tried really hard to not procrastinate on this week's page and I think I did a good job of that! I wasn't finishing it any faster but I wasn't stressing out the whole time, so goal achieved. I had all yesterday planned to just sit down and finish the page before today and make it as nice as it could be... and then Kitten Happened LMAO so I was STILL working last minute on this page, which is ... still my fault, I should have a buffer, but this one was especially not fun because now I am also juggling anxiety/sleeplessness over the kitten situation (shout out to bug bewareofdyke for helping me stay grounded over that lol) I worked as much on the page as I could yesterday but still had to relent and go to sleep and finish today, I woke up with "oh no comic upload day" anxiety and then immediately was hit by someone on a random discord server I'm in being like "keep your cat separate from the kitten, or your cat might get feline HIV ^-^" which MURDERED ME lol, just like, the combo of the actual content of the message but also bundled with the fact that its unsolicited advice that I Already Know!!!!!, idk just Insta-Anxiety Attack LOL, it was so bad, the worse I think I've had since college; I still wanted to sleep but couldn't, wanted to eat but threw it up immediately, ugh. I really wanted to just say I'd worry about the comic page tomorrow, which I think in some alternate universe would be self care, but idk, this comic means a lot to me, I still can't believe I'm Doing It, of my own volition, and unmedicated lol and even despite the anxiety its already giving me, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! So I really didn't want to let anxiety win this one I guess. So it was so hard, but I did it. The page could be better probably (and I did kind of weigh the options... is it more important to have the page be the best I could make it, or to just upload it? And I am doing my best with trying to make each page something I'm proud of, but I think that's a losing battle in webcomics LOL, if I spent as much time as I wished I could on each page i would never finish another one again. But if I miss an upload, that just opens the door for me to find more reasons to do it again, honestly, and I'm only on page 4 so I'm trying not to start any bad habits lmao! So yeah) I was so so tired, and such a wreck, literally the only thing fueling me was anxiety but i fucking did it !!!!!!!!! ok that's all. and i have a fucking kitten now

#emetephobia cw #is the readmore gonna fuck up #edit: yes it is

3 notes · View notes

mollydollyjournals · 3 years

Text

Everything feels so quiet again. I hate this about being nocturnal. At least during the day more people are around and online and I might have a little interaction. I wonder if I'll ever get my body clock to function on a 24hr schedule. Even as a child and teenager I've always had sleeping problems though. My body clock has always fought against regular timing. I definitely find it easiest when I'm actually excited to get up for something in particular, but that's not all there is to it. Besides that feels like a tall ask right now.

I've been crying a lot recently. I dont usually cry that much at all but the past month maybe, in increasing frequency, and the majority of the past few days, I'm always on the verge of or in tears. I'm on so much prozac I can sometimes feel it pushing me to just smile through it and do something, but I think my mind wins over it when it sees that my 5 minutes of positivity didnt bring luck like everyone says it will. I'm tempted to lower my dose just so I can at least be consistently sad. Part of me hopes I'd get bad enough to SH and do more noticeable stuff so someone will realise how I feel, but part of me knows that's not how itll work and I'll just do those things and feel even worse because I'm still by myself. Most of me feels guilty because that's the dramatic stereotype and nobody likes an attention seeker, but most of me also knows it's not socially acceptable to directly ask for help and support. The times I've said a thing about how bad I feel, very obviously in need of support, i havent got it. So if i did something more, i still wouldnt get it, but I'd just be bothering people even more by letting them see. But then maybe I'd actually get the balls to just end it properly and get it over with. But I also know I'm not someone who'd do something so final without exhausting all options first, which means I'd also say that more directly, and then the same issue applies.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I feel like such a waste of space and it's the same problem where I need x to do y but I need y to get z and I need z to get x. Whenever I try to force myself to break that cycle alone, I burn out. I feel worse for the fact that I'm doing it alone. I feel like theres no point in achieving any of it if I'm still alone. I did so much growing up by myself and doing way too much and all it got me was a bit more time alive so I could watch everyone else actually live and realise how cut off i was. Last time i had a major breakdown i came out of it over time but i felt worse afterwards than before because of the fact that I'd had to deal with it alone. I felt resentful of all the people who saw me say outright on my social media 'I feel really terrible and I need support/dont think I can deal with this alone/etc' and either said nothing or just briefly acknowledged it then continued on. I didnt really get over it, I just stopped in the same way a baby learns to stop crying eventually if nobody comes. So i came out of the breakdown with the resentful and anxious feeling that i cant really rely on anyone and am truly alone.

Now I'm so much more sensitive. Of course I'm more sensitive. I'm scared this is more permanent mental shit that I wont be able to get rid of. I cant stay like this forever. I never used to be this bad. But I had some outlets at least, and some hope that it might be different at some point. Now it feels like I'm just so worn out and I need to rest and be protected but the longer I go without it the more I need and the more impossible it gets and then I feel like theres no point in trying because theres no way to fix the cycle. Not without some anime-level miracle.

All I can do is drink and hope I get distracted by something else for a while. Hope I get chatty and confident enough to send the first messages and make the first posts, hope the audience happens to be responsive. Hope I come up with some kind of idea that'll keep me busy and entertained.

There was a day a few months ago where I drank a lot over the course of a day, and I started getting really bad palpitations where my heart was stopping for a few seconds at a time and restarting painfully. It especially stopped whenever I lay down and kept still, ie when I was trying to sleep. I thought I was probably going to die in the night so I wrote out a little note on my phone just in case. But I was kind of happy about it. For whatever reason, a few friends had been online and we'd all talked a lot, and I'd had things to do, and we talked about what we were doing throughout that day, and we all screwed around and shitposted, and it was just nice. It didnt feel so much like quarantine as just long distance friends and I felt like if that was gonna be my last day then so be it.

Of course, I didnt die. It turned out my meds needed adjusting so I did that and the palpitations lessened. I kind of wish I did just die. I guess it's morose. But it would have taken the guesswork and worrying out of all this. I'm just so tired. Its not that I dont want to get better and enjoy life. I just dont know if I can. I dont know if theres too much damage been done. I was already a difficult case before the pandemic but it's really fucked me over a lot and brought up a lot of old and new insecurities and I dont know if I'm really able to make the transition to something normal and okay.

My heart palpitations are bad again right now. Today it's because of restricting food. Theres some kind of weak heart trait in my family so I've always had the occasional palpitation, but they get bad sometimes. It's not painful right now, just weak. If I breathe too deeply it loses rhythm. I keep beginning to hyperventilate from anxiety and my heart gets irregular and weird. Of course as I say that I get some pain.

I dont feel like I can eat more though. I did have a meal for dinner. Low calorie, but a meal. So my calories for today weren't super low. One thing that's always consistent about my thing with food etc is the control element. That when everything is bad, I need something to go my way, and this is all I can do. I dont know.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not. But I really want to. I really need to. It only takes small things, small distractions to keep me going. If I can just survive long enough to keep at some things to change my situation, maybe I can get out of this. But if I crack, I drink and binge and do other things that make me feel worse. I dont know. I'm trying to drag myself along but I guess it doesn't look like I'm doing anything at all.

3 notes · View notes

bunnyriviere · 4 years

Text

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

#xxxpauline

2 notes · View notes