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#idfk. like. im the type that if someone tells me i should be fine i will just. push through anything.
pizzapizzadickz · 2 years
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#man i want doritos#you just gotta suck it up#diary#personal#mn. i like fell asleep for the last... probably 2 hours? idk man#and i feel a bit better by now. but like. i really would prefer to not leave my room today.#like. im just sorta worried shit will get worse again and ill feel like utter and complete shit.#idk. like im not having a breakdown rn. but i just. am worried itll come back at the drop of a hat.#like im fine alone with my noise cancelling headphones in a dark room#but besides that? idfk.#this is sorta why id rather be high or something. cuz now i gotta worry about after affects or other shit.#idk. its been a while since its been this bad and tbh im just really tired. i wanna sleep.#oh! funny fact. i had doritos and fritos stuck in my head during like. the last few hours.#but i was sorta preoccupied so i didnt realize it??? so i was just thinking XD#...i still do. man would it be too much to go get some? i rly wanna#*sigh* i should probably like. go out. and do some work.#but thats been sorta whats been worsening things (plus the heat). so like. im concerned?#idk thats not fully the reason why. but it did not help. idk. i just know my mom will say something like#or maybe not. its like a 50/50. sometimes shes sympathetic others shes not.#idfk. like. im the type that if someone tells me i should be fine i will just. push through anything.#like *yeah* i may be hitting myself but i got the work done like you asked? so whats the problem here?#self harm#idk. thats how i functioned in high school. punish myself to work ig. or to just take out the anguish.#but *apperently* ur not *supposed* to do that either. so that just leaves me curling up in a ball somewhere.#often times my closet? but my closet is full with random crap so i gotta clean it out ugh#im not rly sure what the final straw was fully. i woke up at 5ish. and took off my headphones. and then within like 15 mins i was down.#idk. i think maybe it was my fridge. but i was also super uncomfy for sleep. so who knows rly.#haaah. i still have to do shit today and tomorrow. i dont wanna.#haaaaaaaah wtf how do i figure out what i need to do. ffs.#whats worse is if i talk to my mom or someone to help me figure it out ill probably snap at them
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sempsimps · 1 month
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Gregory Violet head cannons + NSFW
Season 4 of black butler has me thinking about a certain emo (Gregory not ceil but check out my friend @serve-corps if your into that) but like omfg he's so fine what for and like man wears lipstick I just he's so adorable I've never wanted to own the manga more in my life he's so- I should stop but like aaaaaa so this is head cannons mixed with actual cannon that was on the fandom wiki so that's fun I was thinking of writing a full story later but for now....
this is head cannons, and at the bottom, I'll have a warning for my nsfw thoughts. lol, just remember you're responsible for your Internet consumption, but before i get into this, it's all my opinions. Don't take it as gospel or anything like that, im having fun, alright? okay then.
Little head cannons
-he likes poetry. He gives that vibe like come on...(literally an hour later) Okay, so like, just seen a manga page of him drawing a jabberwocky around ceil like a sleep paralysis demon. a little back story on this particular poem is "a nonsensical poem about the killing of the jabberwocky" in 1871, apparently. this is very relatable to ceil and Gregory alike and like Google it for real (so like I was completely right about that and I didn't even know)
he smells like a mix of charcoal and acrylic paint like dusty but kinda nice, ya know (i go back to this further down)
-why dose he seem like he has autism, i cant explain it but, i have it to, so I'm not trying to be rude, but the bowtie he wears is like a normal tie but looser and nicer. and i hate ties, so i feel that in my soul. he also seems like he wouldn't like synthetic material idfk. also social situations suck, his voice is mostly monotone and quite, its not the typical "not understanding cues or not getting jokes" but its more like a social anxiety thing, and that's usually diagnosed with autism i think? (I'm not a doctor i don't really know. Maybe I'm projecting here a little)
-he's like defo bi or pan or perhaps an ace group. I'm not that educated on that lgbtq+ aspect apologies but that's the vibe (again, that's my opinion)
Dating head cannons male or female [brackets if pointed to someone with tits lol]
-bones. Need I say more? I like bones and rocks soooo be like, otters give him a bone (not like that-) or rocks he strikes me as a rock guy like smooth ones. idk how, but just get one he deserves it.
-painting dates if you struggle, he can easily guide you through it, his hand gently moving to help you use the right brush stroke. he's clearly more skilled in pencil/charcoal works, though we haven't seen much else [that takes skill and I take art like damn that's difficult]
-So apparently the sun and dancing makes him dizzy (it was on the fandom wiki) so definitely have water on hand and well he doesn't seem like the type to like anything plain becuse of the drink mixing so water is a no go to boring and i get that so grab one of those ball tea infusers and make flavoured water he can put the flavours in it like idk lemon slices and let it sit in the water maybe add suger (wait thats just flat lemonade lol whatever I'm a genius ik don't flatter me)
-stolen hoodie? Nah, stollen emo robe looking ass. it seems everyone in purple house has one, and well, yall could swap, or ya know, just wear his. if he has another obvious man is never seen without it, it could be a comfort for him. but like, he seems like he would have a bigger one, and it would smell so nice like charcoal and acrylic paint (that i mentioned earlier). Don't question it, but you can smell that, right? but there's a hint of passion fruit becuse he's trying for you (aw how cute) you can not tell me he doesn't like perfume and like its either passion fruit or cola adjacent like i know it probably wasn't around at the time but like you can see it (maybe i based this on a meme i found but shush)
-you paint each others nails need i say more? and even if you dont like/want to, he would just like to take time off with you to do his own or you do his. oh my god, I just remembered he wears eyeliner the same thing, but he likes you doing it. For some reason, you're better at it, and he doesn't want panda eyes.
-sneaking out at late to hide behind the boarding house, to just chill or chat, looking at the stars. It's a nice area, but yall gotta dodge the house master most of the time. Still, a little thrill never hurt nobody, just maybe given a Y or two if you're caught.
-hiding in your shoulder when the sun or people get too much to deal with. (I feel that so much)
-Gregory is a mix when it comes to pda. Overall, he doesn't like it could be a little overwhelming for him, but when yall with the other prefects, he might hold your hand, he's trying, and we love him for it.
-Gregory seems to observe his friends a lot, and so i think he truly values any relationships he has with anyone. on a whole, he usually draws people that are around him, like ceil, and i think i seen one of Lawrence. (idk i don't have the manga) so i think he would have a lot of sketches of you, be it in his work as doodles, or fully fledge charcoal drawings, maybe even a painting. but he values and enjoys being with you a lot.
-little snacks like fruit and chocolate almost like a picnic in the swan gazebo, but ya know not sharing with everyone unless Gregory wants to, also the fact your with the others in the swan gazebo is becuse, 1 your allowed to be there they've invited others before, 2 you get along with the prefects and drudges and they really don't care, 3 your either his drudge or the first two already applied before hand so you both seen no point in doing that.
okay, so i can't think of anything else wholesome to put down, and i just can't stop thinking, so now this is the warning I REPEAT NSFW BEOYNED THIS POINT!! ALSO HE IS 18-19 ACORDING TO GOOGLE
NSFW head cannons
- some general things, he's a switch or power bottom idk but i can see it so much he prefers you on top, though
-favourite body part would be chest. tits or not [but defo would love them so much like a stress toy] or the space between shoulder and neck, to hide in and bite....(he is a wolf lmao)
-right, so first off lipstick. oh my god... imagining it smeared in places and having prominent marks on your body made by him, like hickeys but removable. and like after he gives head, it would get so messed up on his face or you and just kissing him with it like that, getting some on your lips... (jesus, i need to touch grass)
-he likes art obviously, and well going back to the lipstick and hickeys, he wants to see what colour they turn, your like a brand new canvas just begging to be painted on by him, and honestly vice versa he's too pretty not to mark up..... (no comment)
-this is an all boys school they most likely don't have sex ed here and so you would have to teach him what to do but once he knows it kinda clicks right ya know [another reason i think he would just love titties becuse he wants to learn and i mean like he would get kinda fascinated with them] also he would be really sensitive in general and that's a great advantage to top (but hey you didnt hear that from me 0^0)
okay then that was that and ive run out of ideas now and i need to get this out of me ive got like 2 more things to write about this emo becuse i love and relate to him so much anyway hope that was good i try to be accurate even though this is head cannons and not real at all im still trying to be in character sorry if my writing sucks :)
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okay this is my last post I know I'm being very annoying and I hate to clog the tag but I just have to scream into the void for a while if you disagree or you're annoyed with me please just scroll past this rant thank you
- the hitman plot. god. we all hate that shit. what I realllllly hate is how long and drawn out it is. should've been one episode tops, like when dean tried it. I want to say, that obviously it's not gonna work bcz it would be stupid to kill off the character carrying the entire show, but at this point maybe they are gonna kill him off??? idfk. maybe it's a punishment for all the people (everyone) who like him. truthfully the whole "murder is our only way out of this" attitude is disappointing and seemingly out of character for all of the girls. Boomer attacked annie and they let him fuckin live. They knew he was a fuckin rapist piece of shit, and a regular piece of shit too, but couldn't kill someone. But apparently killing someone beth, at one point, felt some typa way about...smh..apparently that is A ok and they don't even explore other options or feel the least bit guilty?? even when they "mourned" boomer it was more about marion than him. But rio and his whole ass innocent child are not a thought at all??? Wild. Truly. Also....what do they think will happen?? If I were a gang leader's right hand the first person I would check upon seeing my boss get murdered would probably be the person who tried to murder him last time lmao. Do they really think they would get away with it? Even if they didnt get caught, they wouldnt be off the hook. Surely mick would just keep things going, with even less leeway. And what happens when their illegal activities bite them in the ass when Rio is gone? Who are they gonna blame everything on? Who is gonna clean up their mess? No one. And this whole "I'm not doing it, wait yes I am, wait no I'm not, wait I'm gonna do it" thing the hitman is doing is...not it. I'm assuming were gonna get an explanation about how he knew that this was a crime of passion (lol)
-beth beth beth......you know there is a theory floating around that she has serious ptsd and I actually would love to see that explored but that shit ain't happening lol. I'm tired of feeling like I'm analyzing her character. At what point is it too much. She's hard to read but I think it has crossed the line over complex and ventured into poor characterization. She's gotten chances and chances and I'm tired. And dean. God I'm tired. I feel like all season I've been watching beth do the same thing, play good wifey, risk her (and Annie's and Ruby's) life by doing stupid shit..and that's basically it. Face some fckn consequences for your actions please. Take some responsibility. I feel like the show is showing us inklings of...something...bubbling underneath the surface but it's not our job to fill in the blanks or interpret shit. I do not work for nbc. I'm not getting paid for this. What is this girl thinking trying to get rio to invest in hot tubs (bless her calling dean an idiot. fuck this show for making him suddenly a good salesman) while trying to kill him. Does she think he dies and suddenly she owns it?? Makes zero sense. Also unpopular opinion i dont like that she caused a scene with the pool ball. Like....of course he isnt listening to you....you shot him...3 times....then stole from him....and have been screwing him over repeatedly.
-dean just....no. I understand that beth has so much going on in her life right now that divorce isn't exactly on her mind and dean is the last trace she has left of a normal life so shes holding onto it for dear life.....actually no. I do not know if any of that is actually true or if I'm just interpreting wrong. Because the subtext and editing and parallels and all that would be fine and dandy but not when that's all the show is at this point. If dean cheating yet again is not gonna make beth leave him, nothing will. I want his screentime to be 30 seconds and nothing more.
-im just not invested in the boland children. Annie and ruby have both struggled real bad, but beth, the one in the deepest, has 4 children who are somehow unaffected by this?? Not to mention the whole divorce, wait never mind, oh look a gang leader hanging out with mommy again, oh look our house is empty, type stuff happening. Beth's kids should be going through it but for some reason they arent? Maybe it's because child labor laws or something lol.
- rio. At this point I'm rooting for him for than anything. But I genuinely do not know why he hasnt killed beth. She's proven herself to be more of a liability than an asset and I just cannot understand why he hasnt killed her. Unless it's the whole "feelings" route, which wouldve made him look dumb, but made sense based on what we were given. This is actually the direction I thought the season was going but now it just seems like he is a bad businessman lol. Obviously she cant die for the sake of the show, but its like they didnt even try to make it make sense. He definitely knows about the hitman btw. I dont really blame him for anything he's done with beth so far. He robbed her in retaliation. He had to cut her off when she started acting shady. 🤷‍♀️ he let's her get away with too much tbh. It's a shame that this character isnt being utilized. Its like they are banking on this mysterious aura to keep working, but we are 3 seasons in and it's a little old now. I personally think that they just don't know what to do with him now. Also can I point out how dumb he looks showing beth that he is doing business at the carwash, why would he give her more information than she needs when he is suspicious of her? I cant tell if I was happy with how unphased he looked about her outburst or if I wish he checked her.
-mick. Did his side plot with beth die? How does it seem like this show simultaneously moves through plots every episode but is also stuck in the same one for the entire season? I also think mick is not being utilized. As funny as it is for him to be a built in 3rd wheel all the time, they could do so much more. Like can you imagine if beth mouthed off or fucked up and mick checked her? The possible ways a plot like that could go...untapped potential.
-ruby. Ah...I remember when I thought her and stan's fight was dragging for too long. Miss those days. See even tho ruby and stan seem to have the same issue over and over it's not the same story. Pen cap, new job, sarah stealing, all the same fight, but with different stories. And it really seems like Ruby's always going through it but I appreciate the variety. Stan's storyline has been interesting but I dont know how much it relates to the central plot. Sarah....great. that actress is so talented and even tho shes an attitude machine (what preteen is not) i just love her scenes. Harry seems to be missing a lot. The hills are the only part I seem to enjoy anymore. Really wish the show would explore why ruby seems to be the one who keeps getting caught up with the law...I wonder what it could be....what is different about her..hm...
- annie. Backtracked so much. Wish she had a single plot that didnt revolve around men. Now shes trying to cheat on her GED. Where's the snark? Where's the wit? It seems like all she is now is a codependent insecure mess. And I'm tired of this fuckass therapist. I thought her study montage was gonna end in a "she didnt need anyone but family (:" lesson but it did not for whatever reason. I thought by bringing a therapist into the show it was gonna give us more of a look at Annie's and Beth's upbringing and relationship. Or help annie work through her issues, the boomer thing too. Or maybe lead to Beth's ptsd diagnosis. Therapy could've helped move the plot forward or help the characters grow, but it's doing the opposite of that. If its not contributing to the main plot, what is its purpose? To give annie yet another terrible love interest?
To summarize....I hate it here.
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unicornninjabitch · 7 years
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GO TO SLEEP (But when you wake up, answer them all!!)
Im deadass dying rn (sorry if i did the wrong one btw)
1. Describe your perfect date~I'm a simple boy i just wanna go to the beach and hit up McDonald's or long drives those are cool too2. What's your "type"?~I'm not 100% sure but i look for someone whos gonna communicate, make me laugh, get deep with me, and someone i can be comfortable in silence with. It's cheesy but if im with someone im all about them and crazy about them, so if want someone to be the same way with me. Also taller than me, hair i can play with, and big hands, psychoanalysize that however you want (Did i even answer that question? Sorry if i didnt)3. Do you want kids?~Yes definetly 4. If you do will you adopt or use some other forms of child birth?~Id be fine adopting or something else, it really all depends on what my partner wants and we'd have to talk about it, i mean its a 2 way thing right?5. Describe the cutest date youve been on~Never been on one 6. Describe your experience having sex for the first time~Haven't done it7. Are you a morning time gay or a night time gay?~Night time gay8. Opinions on nap dates?~I think its good once you've been dating for a little while (like 1.5/2 months) but before that it could be weird9. Opinions on brown eyes?~Theyre as nice as any other eyes and honestly underappreciated brown eyes can be so pretty 10. Dog gay or cat gay?~Both wtf11. Would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?~Yeah12. What's a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone?~I'm not sure honestly, there was a really long time where if anyone showed me any romantic interest id ignore any red flag cause you know i was trying to fill up a spot where I felt unlovable and lonely and unwanted. Now though I think i kinda look for any form of red flag and shut it down early (?) Havent really put it to practice but let me pretend ive got my shit together13. What's a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?~I think that a person has to know since they're a little kid and figuring it out is painful thing. Personally i always said "Im straight but you fall in love with who you fall in love with" and then I was in love with a friend and i was like, "huh this wasn't as heartbreaking as i thought itd be"14. What's a piece of advice you'd give your younger self?~In general, little me really needed to know how to stick up for himself and tell him not to worry so much. I just wish little Alex knew not to become so guarded and grow up so fast15. Do you have different "types" for different genders?~No i dont think so16. Whos an ex you regret?~I dont regret them (because i learned a lesson, eventually) but i regret how i let myself be treated and talked to. I regret not noticing how much it would affect me later in life17. Are you a cafe gay or a night club gay?~Cafe (crowds give me anxiety so I'll probably never be a night club gay)18. Who is one person you'd "go straight" for?~Considering i like girls too, any girl theyre all so pretty like damn19. Video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?~Book or movie gay20. Favorite gay ship~Shatt (also like why does every musical ive seen have at least a little bit of gay in it. #the true gay agenda)21. Favorite gay youtuber?~MilesChronicles or MacDoesIt22. Have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?~Not since I came out23. Have you ever been in love?~Yeah24. Have you ever been heartbrokwn?~hahahah yeahh a lot25. How do you determine if you want to /be them/ or /be with them/?~Honestly i have no idea dude26. Favorite lgb musician/band?~Ryan and Chad from High School Musical (they were boyfriends, fight me) 
27. What is a piece of advice you have for young/baby gays? 
~Alright kiddos, to start off dont let anyone tell you who you are. Don't let anyone say you're just confuse or doing it for attention. You are who you are and thats okay and you should never change for anyone. Don't change for your parents or friends or significant other. You only change when you think it'll do you better. Just be true to who you are.28. Are you out? If so howd you come out?~Im out-ish, at home im out to my mom, dad, stepmom, brothers and 2 friends. I came out with a letter to everyone but Kate who was there to help me figure things out. At school i introduce myself as Alex and stuff but I'm in the "girls" hall so idfk honestly I try not to think of it too much~Sexuality wise idk who knows, I came out to all the same people and i dont hide anything about it but i also dont really talk about it29. What is the most uncomfortable/strange coming out experience you have?~It's not bad but i came out to my friend and she turns to me and said "Does this mean you arent pans?" And that made me laugh a little and then I explained how it was different things and we went to the beach ~A bunch of the gas kids ran into a friend from middle school and she looked at me and goes "I knew your ass wasnt straight" and everyone laughed30. What is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality?~Firstly im sorry youre in that position, its really not fair to you. I'd say if its possible maybe make some online friends who you can talk to and connect with. I know there's tons of advice blogs that could be helpful to at least look at. I know i say it probably an annoying amount of times but I'm always here if someone wants to talk or something because no one should be alone. I also think its important to know whatever situation doesnt have to be forever. It may be a while before you can leave, but someday you will be able to leave and surround yourself with people who are supportive of and love you. 
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