#idk I just felt like screaming into the void because damn this story

[variousqueerthings]

The Outsiders First Feelings

So I’ve watched the extended movie, but not the theatrical version or read the book (plan on doing both)

spoilers:

Just want to be clear that there is critique of specifically the extended/director’s cut, but overall I am heartbroken at how powerful this story is. So that’s the TL;DR of it.

1.

First thoughts: Man they did well on this casting. Apparently they did group casting to make sure the ensemble worked (also Ralph Macchio remembers how they had to read for all the parts, but he was very insistent that he was auditioning for Johnny and tbh, if I’d been Coppola I’d’ve taken one look at him and gone “yes”)

Anyway this movie works on the strength of the cast more than anything for me. I care about the greasers (have to confess “Sherri” ended up being a non-entity, but that’s not Diane Lane’s fault, the character doesn’t have depth or connection to the others, since her life isn’t explored) because every one of them cares so much about each other.

2.

Second, I don’t know the context behind Hinton’s dislike of a queer reading of the text, but queer reads exist because queer canon has historically been rare/deliberately pushed into allegory and metaphor. All this to say that - however unknowing - she wrote a text that was absolutely filled with that queer subtext that a queer reader would immediately notice (and from the sounds of it a lot of non-queer readers too). Not knowing you did it doesn’t mean it’s not there. And the movie just adds the visuals that belong to that queer-coding.

And wow was this a story about the closeness and homosocial relationships between boys on the cusp of growing up. That shit is queer even before you get to the found family, the loneliness of being shunned just for existing, and the non-normativity of their status in society (class-based, but depicted through their finicky approach to their appearances, also interesting).

And of course. Ponyboy. And Dally. All of them to be honest. So very queercoded. And Johnny… I would be biased about Johnny even if he wasn’t being played by Ralph Macchio – smaller and more delicate in stature, abused at home, unable to form an identity because of how traumatized he is until he runs away for a week with his best friend and creates a domestic house inside a church with him, where they play poker, cut each other’s hair, read gone with the wind, and quote poetry? Okay. Okay alright. 

(sidenote: think director’s should’ve been knocking down the door trying to get Macchio after this and Karate Kid - crafted two wonderfully different characters that’re both considered iconic performances a year after one another)

I initially wasn’t sure who Dally was as a character to Johnny - wasn’t sure if he’d be the one to fuck things up for him for whatever reason, but actually he genuinely wants what’s best for him and functions as that after-image of what Johnny might*ve become if he goes away for the crime, making his motivation that much clearer. He really needed Johnny to live, to pull through, because Johnny was someone to fight for, to be better for...

Johnny had so many people who loved him....... ...................

3.

ANYWAY without having read the book yet, some critique on the movie: 

I think straight book-to-film adaptations are a bad idea 99% of the time and IMO this movie suffered for it. The pacing was just straight-up weird at times. I had a feeling that someone would die and that it’d likely be Johnny or Dally (oh sweet summer child), but while I could see the beats which likely work very well in the book, they didn’t always (sometimes they did) land at the right moments for a film. When Johnny died I went – oh, okay, that happens now, like this? If it hadn’t been for the acting I’d’ve been really annoyed, because of how it was built up and placed, it felt like it didn’t do the characters’ journeys justice.

Also in the extended edition – I was very confused about the music and read afterwards that Coppola straight up yanked out the original score and replaced it with generic 60s bops and why? Do? That? Whole scenes that would’ve been miles better with something else or entirely without music were disrupted (two big ones that stick with me: when they save the kids in the church and when they meet with Sherri before the rumble, but there were more).

That’s two of the main reasons I’m interested in watching the theatrical cut – third is that apparently he took out three scenes from the church for the extended edition and doubly why??? the church sequence depicts Johnny’s first (and only) taste at life. It’s vital to understanding his tragedy!!! whyyy??? cut it????

4.

I wonder how much of this movie acted as a precursor to Stand By Me (probably lots of people talk about this, but idk), just because of the obvious similarities, but Stand By Me did so much better at keeping it on-point and pushing the narrative forward in the right direction. Easier to adapt a short story (also Brokeback Mountain springs to mind) than a whole book, but that’s why I’m interested in the theatrical cut. Also… the music… (whispers, why).

That sounds really critical, but my feeling is mostly positive (well, sad, because everything hurts) – I get frustrated with movies where I can see how they would work with some more focus, because all the pieces are there: Arguably perfect cast, perfect story already provided, some strong cinematography (and maybe also a good score, can’t say until the theatrical), but then it isn’t brought together properly for whatever reason.

5.

Ponyboy and Johnny sure do stand outside and watch the dawn while quoting poetry and Johnny was gold even if he never saw it himself, he really was, urgh that hit my heart. The acting and images are gonna sit with me for awhile – and the tragedy of it all lingered because of the strength of the story and the acting, even if the handling of it onscreen was ultimately a bit clumsy.

Final thoughts:

There’s a deleted scene/rehearsal scene idk, but Ponyboy reads the letter Johnny wrote before he died and it’s just the VO, no visuals other than Ponyboy reading, no music. Just the stillness of that moment. 

So. Much. More. Powerful. I cried watching that. I’m very sad thinking about it.

Johnny is a gender.

[dazaiswindow]

so i just finished chapter 9 of Mozart's route and i would like to publicly announce that i'm ✨ IN LOVE WITH HIM ✨

now before i start, just a quick warning that this post obviously will contain spoilers for Mozart's route, especially from chapter 9

Now this scene right here, is so UTTERLY BEAUTIFUL and the cg? the SOFT SMILE ON HIS FACE?? HOW THE LIGHT SHINES OVER HIS HEAD LIKE A FUCKING HALO??

Don't even get me started on the actual scene. I was literally so immersed in the scene after he was done playing the piano at that ball, mozart rose from the piano bench, he didn't speak a word and just looked around the ballroom with an air of complete composure, dipping down into an elegant bow with a smile. like i was having A VISION of this particular scene in my mind and when mc said she had a huge grin on her face and that she's proud of him after seeing his performance and the applause he gets, damn i really felt that too, cause i was also grinning while reading that scene 😔✊

AND WHEN THEY DANCE TOGETHER!!! mc said she doesn't have a clue on how to dance and he said, don't worry about getting the right steps, as long as it looks like you're dancing, i can take care of the rest. WHAT A RELIABLE MAN!! this just goes to say how fucking good he is at leading a dance even when his partner doesn't know how to dance!! And everytime mc felt like she was losing her balance, he was always ready to catch her, tightening his grip on her waist, he could feel that she's tense and nervous so he was like, just relax, i won't get angry even if you step on my foot. and i'm like plsss mozart what if i trip and fall in love with you? will you catch me too? fsjnskbdnj 😭😭😭

And when mc complimented him, saying that she thinks he's incredible for devoting himself wholly to his music to which he replied, ...how in the world can you say something so embarrassing with a straight face? WITH. A. BLUSH. ON. HIS. FACE. but he won't admit it that he was embarrassed, ugh how much more adorable can you get?

Then this was where this beautiful god-tier cg came forth, mc got distracted with how adorable he is and nearly tripped over her own feet in the dance which is very relatable but mozart caught her waist before she fell, you may not laugh at me, but how can i not laugh at your two left feet? GOODBYE THIS SENTENCE MAKES ME MELT INSIDE. Plss it's just how he teases her but with that soft smile on his face, he can't help but find her amusing in spite of being troublesome 💓💓

So in conclusion:

Yes i'm officially in love with Mozart 💖💖💖

Despite me not really liking him at first bc he's rude, i avoided his route because he doesn't really piqued my interest so i've only just read his route now, i mean i've always enjoyed his event stories though, so maybe that was what first changed my opinion of him and oh look how the tables have turned! Comte and Isaac have to go down a little on my list of favorite suitors, though idk for how long i can keep this up cause i still really feel for comte and when his route comes, oH BOI

Anyways, i apologize in advance for anyone who reads this and still reading to this point, this post is basically just me screaming into the void of all the feels i got after reading this chapter 😂

[undyingsunshine]

YESSSSS YOU’RE BACK AND TAKING ASKS

14 and 15 for the most recent post, and I’m gonna come back with more too

Here we go!!!!

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

Honestly, it usually differs from piece to piece! Usually, though, the title comes last! (Though I do have a short list of potential titles for Li Cu fics stored away, most of which are just lyrics from songs xD Whether I end up using them or not, only time will tell!)

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

All of these tend to give me a bit of trouble xD if I was to rank from hardest to easiest however, I think I'd say titles are the hardest and tags tend to be the easiest. For summaries I usually just slap a portion of the fic in and then add a small almost-summary below it, mostly because I feel like giving a sample of the fic will be more effective than trying to give a succinct description? Kind of shows you what you're getting into before you've even clicked xD

Titles, I use a lot of lyrics from songs, especially ones that I think fit with the character. Though, this does sometimes mean my titles are... long and it can make it a little awkward when trying to talk about the fics themselves. xD

Examples include;

"Come with me, I promise the water is fine..." Which is a lyric from God Bless Eric Taylor by Marietta, a song that I relate to Li Cu somewhat.

This next one is the title of a chapter instead of a whole fic, but I'll count it anyway xD Chapter 2 of I'm Here is titled: "I have this dream that I'm hitting my dad with a baseball bat and he is screaming and crying for help..." which is from the song Father by The Front Bottoms.

I ideally try to make it so that the lyrics also match up with the contents of the chapter/fic. I'm Here's second chapter is all about Li Cu's nightmares, so I thought the title would be pretty fitting xD Honestly, thinking back maybe I could've added more types of dreams.... Ones that fit that title even more.... Small rewrite of that Chapter perhaps? I don't think it would be that different, but still... Would add more angst onto everything xD

The title for "Come with me..." Also sort of relates to the contents of the fic, but moreso in the following line that appears in the summary: "I need something else to comvince me I won't die."

Honestly these lines could have me ranting a whole lot, especially in relation to Li Cu. Just makes me think of all his conflicted feelings, and how he must feel when he drags his friends into the mess he didn't even make. (And these feeling really would increase after Su Wan blames him for the snake bite and getting Shen Qiong inveolved, and during just... the entirety of the time he, Yang Hao, Su Wan and Liang Wan are in the desert together. (ESPECIALLY when Yang Hao is being absolutely mistreated by the 9 families, like sheesh.)

It's just a whole lot of guilt, but also maybe some stubborn determination? Li Cu is very adamant on living just to spit in the face of everyone around him. Existing out of pure spite, but with friends involved, it's more like he's existing to fulfil a purpose? One that he feels like he's bestowed upon himself. Not Wu Xie, or Rishan, or anyone. Just him. He stays alive so he can protect his friends. He'll keep them safe, he'll get them home alive. He has to. And he knows that he will. Or else, what is he even persevering for? "I need something to convince me I won't die." In the fic, this could also be referring to Wu Xie, as he kind of marks safety by the end of the drama. Wu Xie being there means it's okay. It means he doesn't have to fight anymore. And in the fic, it also means that Li Cu can let go. Of Everything. Permanently. (I have so many branching ideas based on that 300 word demon of a fic, you wouldn't even believe)

ANYWAY I'LL STOP RANTING ABT THAT FIC MAYBE I'LL TALK ABOUT THAT FIC MORE IN DEPTH SOME OTHER TIME IF PPL WANT IT.

As for tags, I struggle mostly because I never know what's okay to tag? I'm afraid of tagging a fic with something if the content of that particular tag doesn't show up all that much in the fic? Unless it's something that's a potnential trigger, and then I'll tag it, even if it's small. Just ot be safe. But like. Characters, I don't tag unless they're actually there and present and doing something. If they're mentioned, I tend to not tag them since it's not all that crucial? For people to know they show up for a second? Idk, I like to be as succinct and precise as possible with my tags, because I know how annoying it is for tags to be clogged or for fics to have too many tags xD

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

I have a few, surprisingly! I'll choose two, both from the second chapter of I'm Here!

"Each one makes him wake up, terrified and shaky and wanting to hide or just outright stop existing; to become intangible, untouchable, safe. Of course, he can't actually do that, so instead he pushes the fear down and suffocates it before burying it in the backyard of his mind in the hopes it'll never be dug up again."

Something I try and do while writing is find ways to explain how I. Just. Experience life? (This is also present in Chapter 1 with the line "Further frustration gathered in his chest, making it tighten with stress before it shot up into his throat". Just little things that I've never really seen in words before? That I feel but never know how to accurately describe.) There's always the whole "let the void swallow me/him/her/them whole" thing in media that I love because, honestly, mood. But I guess for this I just wanted to word it differently? In the way I felt was most accurate to myself. Just to be in a state of which nothing can get you, be it life or that one imaginary demon that you sometimes think is lurking around the house at the convenient time of 3 AM, Y'know? When real life becomes TOO real and you just want to blip out for a second, just pause everything and have a moment to be free of everything xD

I also just kind of like the metaphor(?) with his fear. Trust Li Cu to not only associate feelings with violence, but also treat his feelings violently xD I feel like I'm not the best when it comes to imagery and creative expression, especially through words. I point out the obvious, the facts, a lot, both when speaking normally and in writing, and it takes a bit of time for me to remember that I'm writing a story and not jotting a list of events xD So anytime I actually come up with something more kind of creatively written, I feel particularly happy with myself.

"He can't even fully comprehend what's been going on - everything feels bizarre and just out of reach, moreso than usual - but what he does know is that Wu Xie is here and he's angry. The man stands above Li Cu, his cold calculating eyes burning him with wordless accusations that, despite their ambiguity, feel justified. There's guilt, desperation and denial crashing inside him like waves assaulting a rickety raft on a stormy sea. What these feelings are for, he doesn't know. It makes him want to plead for forgiveness all the same."

Let's be honest, Li Cu probably has way too many mixed feelings on Wu Xie. The man who simultaneously built him up and destroyed him. The man who caused him agony, but is also probably one of the best things to come into Li Cu's life??? Like damn, I think I'd be pretty conflicted if I was Li Cu. And things only get worse when, in this fic's timeline, Wu Xie essentially ghosts Li Cu out of guilt for what he did to the kid. This is taken wrong by Li Cu, and he ends up feeling abandoned. By his own kidnapper. I just feel like this snippet is pretty okay at capturing all the blame he puts onto himself, and captures some of the trauma that comes with the events of Sha Hai as well. I just kind of like how this paragraph turned out in the end. xD

6. What character do you have the most fun writing

LI CU!!! Absolutely Li Cu. I don't know exactly what it is but it just. Clicks with me? Or at least the version I write of himd does, it's probably not even close to Li Cu's canon portrayal xD Maybe it's because of the fact that I'm also an angsty, angry 19 year old that I feel as such? It's much easier to put myself in the mind of a teenage boy rather than a 40 year old man xD In terms of non DMBJ writings, I have OCs that I love writing for! Funnily enough, one is an angsty 19 year old boy with a lot of self-worth issues (ringing any bells?) and the other is an angry, confused and conflicted character that was modified to be a kind of living weapon, but had since escaped and repressed all their memories of what happened. Though, the memories eventually start to resurface and they begin to question themself a whole lot, with flashbacks haunting the corners of their mind and driving them deeper and deeper into guilt-filled despair.

In general, angsty characters with a lot of conflicted emotions are super fun to write for! To flicker around from thought to thought and dive into all the hidden feelings that a character can have. It's just super enjoyable for me xD

[waywardfacegarden]

What is your ult fav anime and ult fav otp? You can only choose one *evil grin*

First of all, thank you so much for the ask!!!! I love getting asks, it always makes me so happy when people are interested in me, haha🤣💜 Second of all, the answer will be under the cut because... it somehow got too long... but I mean. You can’t ask me about ships or anime and don’t expect that with how much I babble here all the time about those things specifically, LOL.

So, anon, I hope you don’t mind me giving you an almost-essay as an answer to this!!🤣

HAHA, anon, you are evil!!!! bUT. I actually have an answer to this!! Haha. I didn’t need to think about it, either! As much as I absolutely love and die for a lot of animes, I always tell people my favorite favorite anime is Erased/Boku Dake Ga Inai Machi. I read the manga later and well, the manga is even better!! The resolution of the conflict, the background of the villain, the story is much more developed/better explained in the manga, but even when the anime is not a super amazing adaptation, I still think it did an amazing job!! The reason(s) of why this is my favorite anime is(are) simple: I love every single character (except. you know. the evil ones, haha). I’m usually not that attracted to protagonists, but Satoru has my heart in his hands. I’m so attached to him. He’s selfless, smart, tries his very best and loves so deeply. I absolutely love how the author managed the women/girls in the story, too. I started watching it without knowing a single thing more than “oh, he’s trying to solve a murder” and OH BOY, did I was surprised with the very first episode!!! Never ever have screamed so much and lose my shit that much with a first ep, and that’s saying a lot asjdkasjd. Maybe it was because I didn’t know a single thing, but either way, I was obsessed since the very first seconds. I love the villain, even when people say it was “obvious, lazy or predictable” since the start. I love Satoru’s mom. I love how it is dark and sad but just the right amount. I love how much it made me feel. I sobbed, and screamed, and laughed, and almost wanted to break my laptop while watching, too, lol. It seriously is an amazing anime. The characters, dynamics, the plot, everything was so well-done! I would die for the kids, for Satoru’s mom, for Airi. Their dynamics make me melt. The writing is fantastic!! I feel like time-traveling and solving murders are delicate things that, if you don’t know how to handle, are gonna fail you. If you don’t know how to connect things, the story is not gonna feel rewarding, it’s going to feel confusing. But with Erased, everything made sense and connected until the end, which is something I’m obsessed with. Add that to the freaking stellar animation, the aesthetic of it (I still love the subtle change in colors/that black framing in the “past” asdkajf), and the fact that I’m so, so, sooo weak for thrillers + science fiction-ish and kids as protagonists, lol. So, yeah, anon, that’s my fave anime, even when I love, love, love, LOVE a lot of more. I could talk about like, maybe 30 animes with so much love it would amaze you, lol. And that’s just talking about anime, ohhh how many mangas do I love, too... But yeah!!! Even if I don’t talk about this anime enough on here, I think is criminally underrated, and I talk about it to everyone irl I know, lol.

About my favorite ship!!!! HAHA, the thing is. I have like 500 ships and I probably would die for like. 100 of them. Easily. I even have my top of faves, tbh, haha. But my ultimate favorite ship is sasunaru/narusasu. Maybe it’s a very “basic” answer, I don’t know, lol, but I seriously think they always will be. I won’t talk so much about them because then I’d never shut up and this answer is already so long ajsdkadj (I feel like that twitter thread that is like “okay, i’ll try to be brief (1/475)” LOL). But the reason why they are my fave is because I’ve never became this obsessed with a ship before. They were the first ship I felt so deeply for. They had me since the very first eps and continued to rip my heart out, to made me FEEL so much for both of them; for their longing, for their yearning, for their love for each other. The fact that they’re two broken boys who found the connection they so desperately craved for in each other? The fact that Sasuke taught Naruto, a boy who was hated all his goddamn childhood for something he didn’t even know about, what love was, what sacrificing yourself for someone was, what caring was? The fact that Shippuden is about Naruto so desperately trying to understand, trying to make Sasuke understand, and loving Sasuke so fiercely back (without giving a damn about what other people said, without giving up on him, saying that if being smart meant giving up on Sasuke than he rather being dumb all his life)? The fact that the first part of Naruto is about Sasuke doing all those little things and making Naruto feel validated, loved, cared for, seen? And then Shippuden is about Naruto screaming into a void, trying to tell Sasuke “I love you, too, I love you back, as deeply as you did, and I want you to know that even if I don’t understand, I want to understand, I want to be there for you, I care for you so much that just the very idea of you being dead or hurt gives me an attack; I want you to be okay, and I’m never giving up on you”?? The fact that I still sob like a baby every time I watch ONE minute of that last battle and the fact that Naruto answering Sasuke to “you’ve been saying that all the time, but what exactly... does that (being your friend) mean to you?” with “even if you ask me, I can’t exactly put it into words. I just... when I saw you hurting, it... kinda... hurt me, too. So much that I couldn’t stand it, that I couldn’t just leave you alone” STILL KILLS ME LIKE THE FIRST TIME EVERY SINGLE TIME I HEAR IT. LIKE GOD. MY HEART CANNOT. It’s just so emotionally rewarding seeing they make amends at the end and also discover how the other has been loving the other back just as deeply as they did. -- They’re also just a bunch of tropes I love piled up together, tbh, and the kind of characters I love having paired up. The tsundere-ish kid with a dark past, that’s so kind and so selfless and loves so deeply that it breaks him plus the kid with the tragic backstory that’s basically The Sun itself, a bit dumb but also so caring and so cool, and the one that makes the tsundere-ish boy’s heart go all doki doki. Idk, I just love my rivals trope, my “could have been childhood friends if they just had the courage to talk” trope, the “I care so deeply about you and love you with all my soul” trope, piled up with so many emotional layers and so deep emotional connection??? Oof. They’re just my very first ship and the one that practically owns my heart and soul. They have so many layers and they hurt me but also melt me and heal me and make me fall in love with their raw, pure love. They’re soulmates, your honor. Haha. They just... really make me feel so much, I can’t quite explain it. As much as I love, love, love, LOVE all my ships, they’re... different, I guess. They even made me write for them. My very first fics, my very first tryings/attempts to write was for them. And to be honest, I was obsessed with Naruto for such a long time... (maybe because it was my first anime LOL). Sasunaru/Narusasu and all their moments (that I kid you not, I remembered like every little thing in the 700+ eps, even with the NUMBER on which ep it happened, of them. The exact lines, too.) was like, everything I talked about for like. Half a year or more, LOL, and my mom wouldn’t let me lie, she knows. After school, I was in the car and was mentioning for the 50th time that moment Sasuke recognized it wasn’t Naruto in the Chuunin Exams bc Naruto used the kunai in his other leg. LOL. I was eating and I was talking about the battle of the Valley of the End. It was dinner and I was talking about that ending with the lyrics “please kiss me, please kiss me all night”. I just. They’re so important to me. They mean so much to me. And I know I said I was going to be brief so I better shut up now ajsdkajsd. But, yeah, they’re my favorite. :’)

[human-trash-fire]

Beautiful Disaster: Chapter 5 (Pynch Soulmate AU)

Alrighty my loves, this chapter has been a labor of love from the beginning. As you continue reading you will see art pieces and each is correlated with a song (those will be at the end), and references yet again will be made to the EMFS playlist (Ronan’s rehab playlist- I’ve actually made it on spotify! you can find it here)

As usual you can find this story on Ao3 @ glam_reaper 2 if you’re interested <3

TW: Mention of suicide attempt, a panic attack though not super descriptive, cannon typical language.

Iv.

You,

I made a friend last week.

I know for most people that wouldn’t be a big deal, but I assume by now You understand what that means for someone like me. I guess “friend” may be a generous term? I don’t know if we are there yet, Blue definitely disagrees with him “on principle.” 

You see, President Cellphone as she calls him, or Richard Campbell Gansey III (I know, what a douchey fucking name) is all boat shoes and privledge and perfect teeth. Gansey isn’t someone I’d normally associate with mind you, Henry kind of met my quota for rich extroverts in the inner circle, and yet…

So, here’s the story. I’m writing my last letter right? And I was so fucking lost. I decided to walk home from Nino’s- I thought maybe it would help me settle. And there, right around the corner is this fucking ‘73 camero. It should have been beautiful, really.. A classic like that? It’s a dream to look at. Only this fucking thing is the UGLIEST color of candy orange you could ever imagine… And it’s blowing smoke all over the damn place. I was honestly going to leave boat-shoes to call his daddy or mechanic or what have you, but he looked so confused. I offered to help him out and was able to get it running long enough to get to Boyd’s.

I expected him to just drop off “The Pig” (the car) like any normal person and come back for it, only I apparently made “quite the impression.”

Gansey ended up staying with me, prattling on about his Masters History program and some welsh king the ENTIRE time I worked on the damn car. At first I was tuning him out, but without realizing it I became completely entranced by the whole story. I’ve never seen such passion for anything, and I have VERY spirited friends.

He has one of those voices you know? The kind that can stop a room, raise an army, lead a nation. The kind that demands to be heard without ever having to raise itself.

That’s Gansey though.

I think he’ll be good for me, I don’t think he’d give me much of a choice in the matter though to be honest. He kind of adopted me this week? That should bother me and yet, being around him is just… It’s being included. It’s a sense of purpose.

I think he needs it too, he doesn’t seem to talk about negative things but you can tell, he’s haunted by something. That’s what solidified it for me really. He may be a senator’s son but he’s seen some shit. 

I wish you could have met him, I wonder if you would have been as intrigued by him as I find myself. 

Blue is being a total idiot about him, but I’m about 82% sure it’s because she is into him. I know for sure the feeling is mutual. It took Gans approximately 15 minutes after meeting Blue to ask me for her life story, offend her beyond measure, and then haul ass out of Nino’s. It was the first time I’d seriously laughed in so long. Have you ever been second-hand embarrassed for someone? It was that. 

I’m going to wrap this up now though, I need to head to Nino’s for my shift, Blue’s working so of course Gans is stopping by. He said he’s bringing one of his best friends with him, some dude named Noah. Apparently he’s pretty cool, so I’m moderately less apprehensive. He said he wished he could bring his other best friend/ his and Noah’s third roommate but the guy is staying with family for a few months or something. Idk? He doesn’t talk about the other roommate much. I honestly don’t even think he’s ever said his name. Who gives a shit though, I can barely handle one new friend, let alone a 3-pack of Ganseys. Good God… I hope Noah isn’t another Gansey…. Fuck.

Welp.

Here goes nothing.

*****

It started with a not-so-subtle idea from the esteemed Dr. Allen. “Show me what happened.” Ronan was never great with words before all this, and since… When he spoke it was usually a litany of curse words. So Dr. Allen had suggested art. In the weeks since his entombment in this fine rehabilitation center, Ronan had kind of already been doing what he was being asked to do now. Though, he didn’t mention it to Allen. He’d spent countless hours sketching his life, the whole thing, in snapshots inside that beautiful leather sketchbook Gansey had given him. 

He started at the beginning, pictures of Aurora and his brothers, the Barns, his father playing guitar by the fire. He drew their family vacations, the cows he used to sneak out and sleep beside when he was a child, the feeling of winning the Tennis State Championship when he was 15. He drew the bad things too, his nightmares, his drug-trips, that old stained couch in the basement of Kavinsky’s house. He put every piece of himself, all 22 years of memories down in that book, woven together with song lyrics in the margins. 

So when Dr. Allen asked him to look specifically to his addiction and create, he didn’t see a problem. He needed to return to school with a series anyways, Declan had called to inform him that strings had been pulled to allow him to finish his final semester at Georgetown, but he needed to walk in with something to show at the January exhibition. Two birds, and all that.

He settled on 7 pieces, each done in oils on canvas, each accompanied by a song. 7 moments in the life of his battle with addiction, from the beginning to now. With each stroke of his brush he felt infinesmally lighter, pouring his grief into the images before him. 

It started with “The Fall.” His father’s murder in reds and greys; fracturing lines and deep shadows. He mixed his paints with tears and used his heart to drag color across the canvas. For the first time in years, Ronan allowed the memory to consume him. He’d re-lived it plenty of times in his nightmares, but this was different. His hands shook, jagged strokes of anger and confusion bleeding through. He painted the brief moment, the final moment, when his world was whole before his teenage mind finally realized what it was he was looking at. His last free breath. And he painted his screams, the cacophony of pain, endlessly mixing with sirens until his vocal chords gave out. 

He drowned the canvas in un-kept promises and hung it out to dry with childhood dreams.

Then came “Chasing the Void.” It was a story told in stark lighting. High beams on a backroad, swirling smoke and broken bottles. It was white glasses and white-powder lines on shark-nosed hood. It was going 115mph, bones rattling with the beat of the bass in his sound system. Ronan painted a black tattoo, used the blood on his knuckles to tint bloodshot eyes. His brush moved with his mother’s disappointment and his brother’s anger. Whimsical lines and Gansey’s head shaking when he found Ronan passed out yet again. He painted the highs and lows when sobriety reminded him that he hated the face that stared back at him in the mirror. 

Each new piece he added to the collection was brought to Dr. Allen’s office. Together they worked through each memory associated with the piece and slowly Ronan felt the weight on his chest lighten. 

Gansey visited every Monday and Friday like clockwork. He kept Ronan apprised to all the goings on of Monmouth and updates on Matthew and Declan. Ronan never asked for them, but he appreciated it regardless. His current obsession though seemed to be a new friend, Adam something. He had been going on for 30 minutes now about how this man single-handedly raised the Pig from the dead. Ronan tuned out most of the conversation, but nodded at what he assumed were appropriate moments while sketching.

“Ronan, are you even paying attention?” Gansey asked, irritation only slightly evident.

“Mmm?” Ronan hummed. “For sure. Pig. Smoke. Some new guy.”

“Essentially. I was saying that Noah and I are heading to his second job, the man works 2 jobs and is getting a masters can you believe it? Anyways Nino’s, so Noah can finally meet him and Blue. Have I mentioned her yet?” 

Blue? He thought. Who the fuck names their kid Blue. “Once or twice.”

“Well they both work this afternoon, so I assume we’ll just hang there until they get off. Then maybe grab a bite. I wish you could come, I’m sure you’d get along nicely with Adam.” Gansey said, choosing to ignore the previous sarcasm and barrell on. Excelsior. 

“Doubt it.” Guy sounds like a douche.

“On that note, thank you for another lovely visit. I’ll see you Monday, Ronan.” Gansey gathered his coat and made his way to the door with a final wave.

Ronan waved back with a single finger and a saccharine “Bye, Dick.” Then shoved his Airpods back into his ears and lost himself in the EMFS playlist.

*****

As Adam gathered the tub of dirty dishes from above the trash and made his way back to wash them, he was lost in thought. These last two weeks, recent events, had been so much and yet he strangely was beginning to feel some semblance of peace. He knew that Blue had wanted him to write letters to help him cope. If he was admitting to it helping, he also needed to be honest with himself in noting that it may have been hurting just as much. He was falling in love with a ghost. A figment of his imagination that he could tell his every secret too, someone who listened without judgment; Someone who never asked more of him than he could handle. It wasn’t healthy, wasn’t what Blue had intended, of that he was sure. But, if it brought him peace and allowed him to sleep without seeing cold, dead eyes, then what was the harm?

He rinsed the mugs and plates loading them efficiently into the dishwasher, and dried his hands. As he moved to toss the towel into the bin, he heard the bell chime above the cafe door. He made his way slowly to the front, knowing that Blue was currently handling the register meant that he didn’t need to rush. On his way down the hallway he stopped to straighten a missing cat flier on the community bulletin board, taking a moment to snap a picture of the cat in question so he could be on the lookout, then continued toward the front; eyes glued to his phone.

He rounded the corner towards the coffee bar to the tune of laughter, it seemed Gansey had arrived. His eyes found Blue first. For all her insistance that she loathed the man in question, she was positively glowing, head tossed back in a hearty laugh. Lost in the bubble of charm Gansey operated in. 

“-And so I asked him, mind you I’ve had a lot to drink at this point, ‘Hey senator, why do you fucking hate poor peo-‘ Oh! Adam” Ganseys story of embarrassing his mother at one of her Republican fundraisers interrupted, as he caught sight of Adam sliding behind the bar.

“Hey Gans,” He smiled. 

“My apologies, this is Noah.” Gansey stepped to the side to reveal the man in question, and Adam’s breath stopped. 

There, eyes blue and wide with shock, mouth agape stood the man from the alley. The one whose scream still haunted Adam in the dark, solitary hours of sleep. The one that began his every nightmare of that night.

He was different now, tears weren’t pouring from his eyes to dance across the plains of his smudgey face. His blonde hair free of blood was slightly tousled, and his clothes were clean, albeit a little disheveled. 

“No,” the word was a broken noise, barely a word at all, closer to a sob. Gansey and Blue looked frantically between the two for what seemed like an eternity before Noah spoke.

“It’s you…” 

“Who? Noah, you know Adam?” Gansey’s voice was quietly confused.

Adam began to shake his head slowly, increasing with speed as his breath finally returned to him; Erratic and wild. Crocodile tears blurred his vision, and he finally croaked a simple question, “What… What was his name?”

“Ronan.”

“Oh, god” Blue breathed. 

Adam ran, desperately fleeing the scene and chorus of his name called from the front. Ronan, his name was Ronan. Adam couldn’t breathe. His pain fresh, an un-mendable wound reopened now that he had a name to grieve. He paused, only long enough to grab his messenger bag from the back, and took the alley door. 

Then he ran, faster than he’d ever remembered running. Tears turning the colors of the world around him to a haunting watercolor. His breath came in painful stabs, each beat of his bleeding heart an excruciating truth.

He somehow made it back to his apartment. The moment the door closed behind him he fell against it and slid to the floor. Ronan Ronan Ronan-

“R-Ronan.” He spoke the name the first time aloud, the feeling of its weight on his tongue was an answer to a question he’d been asking for a month. For a lifetime.

Adam didn’t know how long he sat on the floor, grief taking time and twisting it in on itself. An amalgam of pain, hopelessness, and questions. Gansey, Gansey knew Ronan, knew Noah. Noah the boy he’d last seen carted away in the back of an ambulance covered in red red red. Noah, who’d screamed for help like the world was shattering. Noah, who’d clung tightly to the shredded arms of a bleeding man in a dark alley.

Help me, his mind screamed, his internal voice morphing into Noah’s from that night. 

Help me, I’m not okay…

A key twisting in the lock above his head brought his attention to the present. Adam pushed away from the door, and waited as Blue made her way into his dark apartment. Night had fallen sometime since he’d been here, on the floor, lost in the alley. Lost in a name.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Th-that was-”

“I know. Noah told us after you left. Adam, there’s… Adam. I need to tell you something.”

It was a concentrated effort to drag his gaze from the space between their bodies on the floor to meet her eyes. Lights from the street poured through the window in the living room, painting Blue’s honey warm skin in a haunting glow. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, so he waited. He watched. She brought a trembling hand to his, her brown eyes lined with silver, she squeezed.

“Adam, he’s alive.” 

A sob born of heartbreak and pain tore from his chest, he couldn’t form words. He broke then, completely and wholly. Blue came to cradle his head against her chest as he cried. Every hope he’d killed since the alley came barreling to the surface; All the pain and confusion, love and questions, beating like waves against the shores of his mind. Some minutes later he finally raised his head and met Blue’s eyes, her smile was wet and broken. He dragged his hand under his nose, across his eyes, and finally found the word to the question he needed to ask. “How?”

So Blue told him. Apparently, him finding Noah and Ronan in that alley, the tourniquet he’d made of his scarf, that extra minute he’d bought him had been enough. The doctors were able to stitch his wounds, and though it had been a close call, he’d pulled through. She explained that he’d had a hard life, though Gansey wouldn’t give details because he insisted those were Ronan’s to share when he was ready. He did however give her basic facts. Ronan Niall Lynch is an artist, a senior at Georgetown. He’s an orphan, and a brother. He’s an addict in recovery at a facility in Arlington, and Gansey’s third roommate. 

Blue explained that, when Adam was ready Gansey and Noah wanted to meet with him, to talk more. She offered to accompany him when that time came, but they all agreed they wouldn’t push him until he was ready. “Thank you,” he’d said to Blue. For getting the information. For telling him. For allowing him space. She understood that his history made this difficult, an addict for a soulmate was something he would need time to process. She eventually asked if he wanted to be alone and when he’d told her “yes” she kissed his forehead, and made her way to the door.

“Adam,” she paused, and he looked up. “We’ll wait on your text okay? Whenever you’re ready. But please check in so I know you’re safe.”

“I will.”

With a perfunctory nod she slid back out the door. 

Adam spent another minute in silence before dragging himself from the floor. He made his way in a daze to his desk and he collapsed into his chair. Slowly, he pulled out a blank sheet of paper. 

His hand shook.

He took a deep breath.

He wrote.

V

Ronan,

You’re alive…

**********************

Art Pieces and their correlating songs (linked):

“The Fall”  The War- SYML

“Chase The Void”  For What It’s Worth- Malia J

[nadunacreates]

NANOWRIMO 2019 • TOTAL ROUNDUP & STATS

•

TOTAL WORDS: 62′668 MOST WRITTEN IN ONE DAY: 7’414 (day ten, right after a write-in) LEAST WRITTEN IN ONE DAY: 21 (day twenty-nine, right before a write-in) AVERAGE WRITTEN IN ONE DAY: 2’088 (according to the nano website at least…)

•

PLAYLISTS I MADE AND LISTENED TO WHILE WRITING AND DAYDREAMING

heroes bleed red • writing mood (for general scenes, action and emotions)

heroes bleed red • bones break (supposed to be the angsty playlist for when bones and hearts break; betrayal and hurt, when trust gets broken and you’re left bleeding)

heroes bleed red • hearts heal (the one i initially started out with, but then added more and more songs that only fit for the comfort mood and not really the rest of things, so)

important to note here: i don’t really listen to music? like, i don’t hear the words and decide that yes they fit for a particular playlist, most often i have no clue what is being sung about. it’s more about the tone of voice and the atmosphere of the song? idk, i’m weird like that

•

more below, including stats and future plans

•

ABOUT THE WIP

current total word count: 62’956 characters: 350’516 pages: 220 (all these are according to scrivener) current word count goal: 180’000 current self-imposed deadline: end of april, 2020

•

RAMBLING & FUTURE PLANS

the regional write-ins in zurich, switzerland, really have been my saving grace this november. without them, i wouldn’t be nearly where i am at right now. i would have given up on this long ago, especially after i really struggled in the last week.

in the hopes of not giving up on this story the way i did with last year’s nano project i’m going to try meet up with some of the same people throughout the year and get these damn words out, keep the motivation up. i’m gonna try be more active on here as well, help us writeblrs motivate each other and maybe join a discord or two. because even though this first draft is far from ready to be read by anyone i do hope to be able to pick up on some better writing techniques along the way, sharpen my outlining (and sticking to those outlines) skills, and get comfortable in my writing again. it often felt stilted and awkward during this month, but once or twice i got into the kind of head-space that really lets the words flow and lets me actually like what i wrote, which is… something that doesn’t happen often, let me tell you.

but. despite it all and my own constant procrastination, i do not want to give up on this story. i finally want to get to the point where i can put THE END under a piece of writing and feel like i accomplished something, even if it’s just a self-indulgent story written for myself.

(and if any one of you feels like i don’t post enough content or that i’ve been absent for a while now - do feel free to come kick my butt. i’ll appreciate it. and if you’ve got any questions, feel free to ask! i’ll be happy to answer them, even if it might take a few days to get around to it, because i’m just horrible at time management and i always feel like i’m gonna say (or write) the exact wrong thing when i’m communicating with actual people on here and not just screaming into the void as i do with these kinds of roundup posts.)

some final words: THANK GOD IT’S OVER, but it was also really great? i really like nano as a way to challenge myself, and even though i haven’t interacted with as many of you guys as i wanted to, during this month, i really feel like this whole community is something i’ve really grown to like and want to take a more active part in (as soon as i manage to get off my ass and do these things, of course.)

[veliseraptor]

2018 Fanfiction Round-Up

Total Year-Long Wordcount: According to my spreadsheet, it’s 523,355 words, which does also include some essay writing and original fiction but is by and large fic.

This year I wrote and posted: Roughly, 119 fics? This is not, probably, a correct calculation, as it probably includes multiple chapters of Life in Reverse/Halfway House as separate fics, and the entirety of like the restless sea (not all of which I wrote this year), but I don’t feel like doing more math. It’s almost 12 pages on Tumblr.

Overall Thoughts

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? A little less than last year, but on the other hand...idk, I don’t tend to think about my year in terms of how much fic I’m writing while I’m in the middle of it. Honestly if I did I’d probably be a happier person who was less often like “OH NO I’M NOT WRITING ENOUGH.” That’s what’s nice about this meme - it really provides me with perspective.

So, like, technically I wrote less than I did last year, and that is not surprising considering the shape my life took this year (job meltdown, new job, three weeks of bedbug crisis), but...I still wrote a lot, especially with all of that considered, and wrote a lot better, I think.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? WELL I DIDN’T SEE MYSELF COMING BACK TO DOCTRINE OF LABYRINTHS IN FORCE BUT HERE I AM WITH FIVE NEW WIPS

What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? Man, I don’t know. There are a number of things that I’m pleased that I did for different reasons? Like, Will to Live feels like an accomplishment. But do I count finishing Life in Reverse for this year? Or the fact that I think Steve Rogers’ Halfway House for Notorious Supervillains remains one of the better written things I’m putting out (also possibly the best title)?

Maybe I’ll settle with it’s the season of possible miracle cures because that fic has been six years in the making and I finally got Steve and Loki married and it was the sappiest thing ever and I stand by it. Also I made myself emotional while I was writing it, which is usually a good sign.

OH NO ACTUALLY how could I forget? I think it’s the enemy of my enemy. I’ve missed writing Clint and Loki, and that fic was so fun to write, and now I want a whole AU of it. I’m like. Deep into a second chapter and have no idea where it’s going but I’m going with it.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? I sure did write a lot of second person. I feel like that doesn’t count as a risk per se, though, because every case where I did it...I did it because it felt like the story needed to be in that point of view? I mean, I wrestled with off to the races trying to write it in third person limited like usual and it just...really wanted to be in second person. So basically - does it count as a risk if it wasn’t something I chose to do?

Otherwise...I feel like I’m not a very adventurous writer most of the time. It’s one of the things I don’t love about myself as a writer.

From my past year of writing, what was….

My most popular story of this year: Cutting out Life in Reverse and Halfway House, as fics that are ongoing and skew the scale significantly (especially the former): based on hits it was escalated almost to an art. Based on kudos, Reckless Self-Endangerment, and based on bookmarks the same. That...actually really surprises me.

Most fun story to write: Probably Will to Live. That fic...took me totally off guard and just - spilled out of me. It was a joy to write from basically start to finish, and other than a plot hole hiccup that was resolved with some invaluable beta help, really just...came together almost on its own. And it was, truly, so many things mashed together that I’m into. I haven’t ever written that much Thor POV, I don’t think, and that really caught me by surprise as far as how much I enjoyed it, too.

Story with the single sexiest moment: I feel like...hm. I’m not sure. I guess it depends on whether we’re going with “conventionally sexy” or “shit I shouldn’t be into this sexy” because those are two different answers. But I do feel like the sex in An Ever Expanding Circle is definitely up there.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story: I’m still pretty sure nothing I do will ever live up to the bar set by The Vivisection Mambo, but...escalated almost to an art probably is up there. I mean, it was definitely the story where I was most “holy shit what am I doing” while I was writing it. Though making love with his ego was also pretty damn dark and also...had a much more downer ending than I was originally planning.

Actually, though, I feel like the worst is probably One Wrong Turn because of the set up (Remember This Cold AU) and where I went with it as far as breaking everyone involved (except, as usual, the Grandmaster).

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: uhhhhh. I always have a hard time with this question, because I don’t really know what it means? My perceptions of characters tend to shape how I write a fic, not so much the other way around. I guess maybe - oh, no, I’ve got it. It’s only one part in one story, but writing Shuri in Breathing Room gave me a better understanding of her character, I think, than I have before. Which is mostly down to @portraitoftheoddity​, so I don’t know if I can actually take credit for that.

Hardest story to write: God. So many stories are hard to write in so many ways. always ready for a war again was definitely a challenge, as writing stories from a different character POV usually are. I struggled a bizarre and moderately hilarious amount with how fluffy the wedding fic ended up getting; I thought I might be going too far. (That’s such a me thought to have.)

Oh - writing like 500 words of Mildmay’s POV was absolutely one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my writing career. And I’m going to keep doing it. Whoops.

Biggest Disappointment: Myself, for the fact that despite having 41 pages written, I’ve only managed to successfully post two chapters of Tear My Castle Down.

Biggest Surprise: Other than stumbling and falling face first back into writing for Doctrine of Labyrinths as a fandom? Possibly writing Crimson Peak fanfiction. I didn’t see that happening. Otherwise...the number of new kinks I wrote for reason of Frostmaster definitely caught me off guard.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: I feel like everything I wrote for Loki/Grandmaster this year could be called “unintentionally telling.” It’s like...if you’ve been following me for the last few years, this might not have been something you were aware of, but hoo boy has it been there.

Favorite Opening Line(s):

Loki had a smile like an air raid siren: attention grabbing and screaming danger. (untitled)

His first memory was a silver mask with rectangles for eyes and mouth, looking down at him. “Attempt four-hundred and thirty-two,” it said, “success.” (how you gaze upon my bones)

When it was over, when all was said and done, the dust settled, the universe rebuilt, Steve walked away. (blackbird singing in the dead of night)

Away from Allerdale Hall, Lucille felt as though she’d disappear. (we too (three) could be glorious)

You were born with two names. (always ready for a war again)

Favorite Line(s) from Anywhere:

1. Loki slipped in and out of consciousness, clinging to life. Held back from the edge like he was a ship at anchor, wood groaning at the pull of the rope. He could almost see death, a reef where the waves broke, that he could break himself on. (your blood like ice)

2. The Void was not empty, as everyone had thought. The Void was full of monsters. One of them found Loki, and plucked his body out of space, and forced him back to life. He mended Loki’s fragmented consciousness with all the gentleness of a carpenter hammering together pieces of wood, and when he was a rough approximation of whole the being who had found him told him who he was, and what he wanted. (the years after the fall)

3. He pressed the thumb of his right hand into the palm of his left. The gesture felt familiar, and yet when he actually did it, strange. Someone else’s hands. Someone else’s lungs. (down to the bone)

4. Loki’s stomach sank. He recognized the feeling. It was the one that meant he was about to do something stupid because of Thor. He hadn’t felt it in a while, and he didn’t appreciate its return. (Captive Audience)

5. Your people bleed names. Names torn away by force, broken lineage, and even when you’re free the names you get aren’t really yours. I am N’Jadaka, son of N’Jobu, you said, and thought you were taking your birthright, but it wasn’t yours. You’re too much Erik Stevens, too much Killmonger, too much American. You don’t belong here. (always ready for a war again)

6. The Grandmaster did not just make his point (I own you, everything you are is mine to do with as I please). He hammered it home, wrote it in Loki’s flesh, crucified him with it. He pulled Loki apart, cooed over him and promised to put him back together only to break him down further into smaller and smaller pieces, and it occurred to Loki that up until now the Grandmaster had been merciful. (it’s a mean world that I’ve known)

7. As it was, even with the windows open he was still trapped within the confines of his skull - a far deadlier snare than even the cruelest jailor could devise. (Stitching)

8. “Getting yourself killed doesn’t prove anything,” Thor said, finally. Loki snorted.

“Wouldn’t it, though?” He said, eyebrows raised. “Everyone loves a good self-sacrifice. I wrote a whole play about it.”

Thor’s expression spasmed again. Still not amused. “I would rather have a living brother than a dead hero.” (Reckless Self-Endangerment)

9. In the winter, she thought distantly, they should go to the Alps. There, the snow would come down clean. (we too (three) could be glorious)

10. “I wonder,” he said, “if hounds hunt wolves with such alacrity, for envy of their freedom.” (Will to Live)

11. Loki's nostrils flared. "You say we," he said, "but I am not a participant in this. And you still do not understand. There is no making this better. This is what it is. My pain is part of its design, its purpose. And even if it were not, even if you somehow could prevent the binding from hurting me at all - it would still be a binding. You still own me. Coat that in honey as you will, but that will never be anything but wormwood." (Tear My Castle Down)

12. Thor. Even thinking the name was like a wound, so he held it there, letting it dig in. Could he, he would open his chest and carve Thor’s name on every one of his ribs. (half a league onward)

Top 5 Scenes from Anywhere You Would Choose to Have Illustrated:

The scene from making love with his ego where the Grandmaster loses his temper with Loki and flexes those cosmic powers.

The Steve/Loki wedding from it’s the season of possible miracle cures.

Thor and Loki cuddling in we don’t know where tomorrow ends or drown my woes in a lake of fire.

Any part of the Steve/Loki/Thor smut from An Ever Expanding Circle.

The scene from I am frail, be you forgiven with Loki holding Thor’s hands, one on his heart and one on his neck.

Fic-writing goals for 2019:

Well, last year I said my goal for 2018 was finishing Life in Reverse so I’d be like “goal for 2019: finishing Halfway House!” but that is just plain not realistic. So, uh, on the more realistic front:

write and finish the next Remember This Cold plot-fic

be less scared of self indulgence

write less fic and more original fiction

get another essay published on Tor.com

try to chill out and remember that if you take breaks it doesn’t mean you’re worthless

[pabotofus]

A Long and Screamy Rant

So this is a rant dedicated to @apvrrish's fic (aknightley on AO3) 'calling me to come back', a gem of a fic and a sincerely gorgeous work. (If you haven't read it yet, go do it here and now!! Seriously, you won't regret it)

I was originally going to make this only about how I felt, but she writes so well I have to put something about her writing style there

Spoilers for the fic under the cut!!

1. Her worldbuilding

Literally once the fic started, I had such a good idea of what the shop looked like. Even if it may not have matched her mental image, it was so clear in my head (which is extremely rare for me). Apvrrish also does amazing descriptions, and it's like I'm actually living in the moment. It's so awesome!!!

2. Characterization

She nailed it. Completely and actually nailed it; bullseye after bullseye; on point. Shiro and Keith's relationship, later on Keith and Lance's relationship, Pidge (idk why I really liked the mental image of Pidge with a bun. I just did) staying up really late to help Keith, the way pIDGE CAN USE HER MAGIC THROUGH ELECTRONICS HDKCKSKCKFD

3. Lotor and Honerva/Hagar

Honestly, I was going to make this a side note on characterization, but this is so good it deserves its own topic. Honerva is so extra and I love it? I mean obviously it's not cool that she literally tried to kill Lance so that Lotor could go to a school. But that is something that she would totally do, and I can't really express my love for the all of this.

I also love the way aknightley wrote (or rather, mentioned) Lotor. Here's a beautiful beautiful quote: "Lotor was evidently interested in genetic science, something that Alfor specialized in, but Alfor was also specialized in avoiding people he didn’t care for, something Keith found enviable."

So maybe that quote doesn't focus on Lotor specifically, but it's such a GOOD SENTENCE. It wasn't the type of funny that would make me burst out into laughter, but the kind of brilliant genius that made me stare at my laptop screen and re-read that sentence five times, because it's that good.

4. While we're on this topic, QUOTES.

"Scrolling to a number that’s only labeled with a small bird emoji and a poop emoji, he texts, Can you do some research for me?" It isn't really the quote itself that I liked, per se, but the idea that Pidge's contact name is a bird and a poop emoji. That is perfect?? And I love it so much???

“Am I wrong, Sunshine?” Lance asks, tilting his head and smiling slyly." Lance calls Keith Sunshine. LANCE CALLS KEITH SUNSHINE OH MY GOD I CANT??? !!!!!!!

"You don’t need it to look pretty, Keith thinks, unbidden." Do I even need to explain here? Seriously, look me in the eye and ask my why I love this quote so much, I dare you. KEITH ADMIRING LANCE'S BEAUTY IS MY GODDAMN JAM

"“Sure, kiddo,” Shiro says, taking a sip of coffee with raised eyebrows." This. THIS!! The amount of pure goodness in this line is enough to make me cry. Shiro knows. Shiro knows!!!

"“Besides the obvious reasons,” Shiro says, raising his eyebrows. Keith gives in to pettiness and uses his magic to fling the pieces of cereal still on the counter at his face, grinning when they nail him directly in the nose." THIS IS THE GOOD BROGANES CONTENT THAT I LIVE FOR DID YOU KNOW??? Again, with characterization,, such perfection.

"“A customer,” Pidge says, doing air quotes. “A customer you dream about and who makes you go super smiley when he calls you on the phone.”" PIDGE KNOWS. SHIRO KNOWS. THEY ALL KNOW AND STILL KEITH REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT. A GOOD TROPE. I VERY MUCH APPROVE.

"“So I guess I should -- um -- take this off?” He pulls lightly at the material over his chest and Keith feels his own face heat up." FLUSTERED KLANCE IS BEST KLANCE. NO, I DONT ACCEPT OTHER ANSWERS. THIS IS LAW.

"Lance leaned in close so he can peer into Keith’s face.

Across the room, a cedar branch catches fire." AGAIN. FLUSTERED KLANCE IS BEST KLANCE. NEED THERE BE ANY MORE PROOF? (Also, I hope all these quotes convey the immense love I have for aknightley and her writing)

“I’m going to have to buy her something very sparkly,” Keith murmurs to himself, smiling at the little heart she’s drawn next to her name.

Just,, sparkles!! ✨✨give Allura all the sparkly things 2Kforever please and thank you :)

“I’m good, Sunshine,” Lance says, stretching a little. “In fact, I kind of feel lucky right now.”

OHHHHHH BOY. THIS IS THE CLICHE BUT WONDERFUL TYPE OF THING THAT A HERO GENERALLY SAYS BEFORE THE BIG SHOWDOWN AND I LOVE IT A LOT??? ITS BEAUTIFULLLLLLL GIVE ME EVERY AND ALL THE CLICHE TROPES

5. Keith taking off his protections so that he could talk with Lance in his dreams

I'm probably reading way too much into this, but Keith literally let Lance inside all of his defenses. This is his how much he likes Lance. He stripped down all his protection that he's had for like, forever and let himself be vulnerable ALL FOR LANCE. I CANNOT BELIEVE,, THE SHEER EMOTION AND TRUST SHOWN IN THIS SCENE,,, UGH MY HEART

6. Similarly, the garden scene

This is Keith's private place. This is where he goes to remember his parents, and he let Lance come with him. Again, probably reading way to much into this, but Keith is actually letting Lance in? I mean it's never stated explicitly in the fic but I don't think Keith really goes around sharing the garden with people... wHICH MAKES THIS SO MUCH MORE SPECIAL HDJCKDKSKC I WAS LITERALLY CLUTCHING MY CHEST I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS

7. Keith giving Lance his mom's jacket

Keith didn't even let Shiro, his own brother, keep some of his parents' books from him. Granted, it was a different situation, but still. Keith is incredibly protective of anything and everything related to his parents, so the fact that he let Lance wear and KEEP his mom's jacket?? Is like the equivalent of other people literally ripping out their heart for someone else. The Klance here is absolutely wonderful.

8. The 'fuck your emotions' scene

WELL DAMN, APVRRISH, FUCK WITH MY EMOTIONS WONT YOU?? THEYRE BOTH SO GODDAMN SELF SACRIFICIAL??? LIKE LANCE I GET IT YOU LOVE HIM AND DONT WANT HIM TO GET HURT BUT DONT PUSH HIM AWAY LIKE THIS PLEASE,, ON ONE HAND THIS SHOWS HOW MUCH LANCE CARES FOR KEITH AND WANTS HIM TO BE SAFE BUT ON THE OTHER HAND 'FUCK YOUR EMOTIONS' LANCE QUOTES LIKE ITS NO BIG DEAL... stop taking both mine and Keith's hearts and stomping them into bits you HEARTBREAKER

9. "The bell, when it rings above Lance's head, still cruelly sounds like laughter."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. CATCH ME SCREAMING INTO THE VOID BECAUSE DAMNNNNNNNN. THE HOLY UNION OF BEAUTIFUL WRITING AND ALL OF THE FEELS IN THE WORLD. My eyes do not deserve to see the glory that is this sentence,, I had to give it a separate topic from Quotes because it was just. So good,,, Even now I feel like I'm not doing it justice, but it's so MIND BLOWINGLY AWESOME that I just can't. 👏🏻👏🏻 you did good, apvrrish.

10. Keith realizing he loves Lance

Need I say any more? Literally ALL I could dare to ask for. It's beautiful and I love it a lot. I also like how you didn't make it this big panicky moment for Keith, because honestly? Finding out that you're in love with someone isn't supposed to be all 'oH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO THIS IS BAD'. If realizing that you're in love with someone is bad, well, why are you in love with that person in the first place?

I kinda went off on a tangent there but anyways!! My main point- I really REALLY liked you portrayal of this scene and the way you wrote it. *swallows down the screams of the damned my emotional heart*

11. The dandelion

They're soul bound. They're soul bound, and Keith used a love spell thingy to track down Lance because he loves him and holy hell they're SOUL BOUND. I mean, the whole soulmate thing is low key overdone, not just in this fandom but everywhere. Yet apvrrish manages to put her own unique spin on the whole thing, incorporating magic and the idea of 'marriage bonds', which is really unique.

12. The idea of modern magic

Okay so I've been trying to go in chronological order but as I keep reading I just find this world so so cool. Most times there's a magical AU, the characters are somehow in the past, or it's a different world. But this, this is a combination of modern tech and somehow also these awesome magical abilities. There are potions with real life ingredients (certain types of wood, flowers, stones or minerals, etc.) and for realistic purposes. This is so realistic that I can actually imagine it happening, which is GREAT because it shows just how good of a writer that apvrrish is, but at the same time, makes me wish so so hard that I could be part of this world. Modern magic,, hdjckskc stab me in the heart with everything I've ever wanted, won't you?

13. “True love or some shit, I think,” Lance says cheerfully, and waves his hand.

Another quote too good for the Quotes section. He says this so nonchalantly?? It fits Lance's character SO WELL and so was really funny (idrk why it just made me smile a lot). Also, they're in LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE~

14. Red!!

Beautiful cat child is cute and deserves all the love. I ADORE witch familiars, and Red helping Keith out with the exorcism thing was really pleasing to read. Also,, Red and Lance interactions. The pLaYFuL bAnTEr between Keith and Lance. Hhhhhhhhhhhhh I love this so muchhhh

15. The ending

tHE ENDING, OH MY GOD THE ENDING. THEY LITERALLY RODE INTO THE SUNSET ON A MOTORCYCLE. IM CRYING ITS SO CLICHE BUT BEAUTIFUL??? ME, SOBBING? ITS MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK BECAUSE THIS IS A GORGEOUS CONCLUSION.

Also! "“Why not?” he says quietly, leaning back against Lance’s chest. “We’ve got time.”"

That. THAT. I've already said this in a comment on the fic itself, but this is so good it needs to be said again. This entire story has kind of a recurring theme of how Keith doesn't have enough time with his loved ones (his parents and Lance because of the curse). But now that he broke the curse, he finally had time to be all cutesy and happy with Lance because they have time. Lance is no longer in danger of dying, and so they can take the long way and enjoy life just because now, they can. Catch me screaming into the void again because THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

A last note- I found a song that kinda fits for this fic. The lyrics match the best, but in general the song is also super pretty!! So if you have time give it a listen because it's,, so good (jUST LIKE THIS FIC).

I still feel like all this ranting isn't enough to do this work of art and perfection justice, but anyways!! Apvrrish, continue being the awesomely amazing writer you are.

~Paladin

[fortunesrevolver]

Okay so, I found this old Fluri fanfic in my GoogleDrive. It’s unfinished and unedited in any form, but I can’t actually remember the ending I was going for or how I intended to complete this story. Apparently it was started almost a year ago, so at this point I doubt the full idea will come back to me. I figured I might as well just throw this half-finished dork-fest out for everyone to enjoy. 

@suguelya - I am tagging you because I tag you in all my Fluri silliness and idk but feel free to laugh and judge this. 

Excerpt:

“Then let’s begin. Mister Lowell, you--”

“Formalities? Really? You sound like Cumore.”

“Professor Cumore.”

“Yeah, yeah. Professor Hearts and Tightpants. Whatever. If you keep up that mister stuff I won’t--”

“Yuri.”

“Yeah?”

“Will you please tell me what sort of havoc you brought upon the school today?”

“Just today?”

“Yuri.”

As the student council president there were many things Flynn Scifo had seen in his lifetime that should have been considered surprising. Yet, having known one Yuri Lowell all his life, there was next to nothing the student body could do that would manage to throw him off guard. It gave him a fortunate advantage over troublemakers who liked to see just how far they could stretch the school rules but, unfortunately, Yuri himself sat upon the throne of deviants. It was a position that, according to Yuri, he had never asked for, but he certainly didn’t deny either.

It was not at all unusual to find Yuri sitting in the detention room after hours with his feet up on the desk, precariously balanced on two legs of his chair as he regarded whatever teacher happened to be in charge of watching him with a look of indifference. Today, however, there had been a staff-wide meeting, which meant no teachers had been available to watch over the sparse detention room. Normally, this would mean the punishment would be rescheduled for the following day, but with a flight-risk like Yuri, who was more likely to skip class completely or find escape through whatever window happen to be nearest.

Not wanting to deal with the tedious task of chasing the academy’s most frequent offender down, the student council had been charged with the task of watching him. Flynn, being the student supervisor of the disciplinary committee on top of his student council duties, had volunteered the moment he hear Yuri’s name with a heavy sigh and a shuffle of papers as he tried to imagine just what it was Yuri had done this time.

He just prayed it had nothing to do with the screams and the horrendous boom he had heard over the lunch period.

“So…” Yuri’s voice pulled Flynn abruptly from his thoughts -- a dangerous thing to get lost in when one was watching Yuri Lowell -- and his gaze settled back on Yuri just as he was offered a suspiciously happy grin. “You got stuck with the low-man’s job today, huh? From president to prison-guard, that has to suck.”

“The job needed to be done, and I’m the only one who doesn’t fall for your tricks.”

“That’s not true.” Yuri shrugged. “Judy usually seems to catch on.”

“Judith is busy covering for me with Estellise, as I was unable to take care of my own tasks in lieu of coming here.”

“You? Asking for help? I’m surprised you don’t have a pile of work with you now.”

“I can’t afford to be distracted.”

“Aw, come on, Flynn, have a little faith.” Yuri’s chair hit the floor with a loud thunk as he swung his feet down to lean his arms against the surface of his desk. “You don’t think I’d just run off on you, do you?”

“Yes, in fact,” Flynn scoffed and crossed his arms. “I do. You’ve tried many times.”

“Aw,” Yuri grinned and dropped his chin lazily into his open palm. “And here I thought you’d stopped watching me all the time. It’s good to know you haven’t started ignoring me.”

Flynn scoffed in return and lifted a folder off his desk to give it a small wave of the hand. “Would you like to tell me why you’re here?”

“Ouch, cop tactics? Come on, Flynn. Don’t tell me you haven’t studied up before taking the test.”

“I’d rather hear it from you.”

“Oh? Why’s that? Finally realise the way the teacher’s write it isn’t as fun?”

“I know you’re too proud of the chaos you create to withhold any details they might have missed.”

“Trust me, they don’t know the half of it.” Yuri’s smirk turned into a smug grin and Flynn felt something cold run down his spine. Yuri had been all too thrilled about being in his senior year -- he’d even attended classes on an almost regular basis -- and Flynn had a sick feeling that, somehow, Yuri’s oddly clean personal record for the year had everything to do with the madness that had occurred today.

“Wonderful,” Flynn murmured and reached for his pencil. They were both going to be here for a while, and the unsettling thought that this might actually end with Yuri being escorted off the premises lingered briefly in the back of his mind. For all the times he had managed to talk someone out of expelling Yuri, if he had truly managed to set the metaphorical -- or heavens help them -- real fire, his hands would be tied. “Then let’s begin. Mister Lowell, you--”

“Formalities? Really? You sound like Cumore.”

“Professor Cumore.”

“Yeah, yeah. Professor Hearts and Tightpants. Whatever. If you keep up that mister stuff I won’t--”

“Yuri.”

“Yeah?”

“Will you please tell me what sort of havoc you brought upon the school today?”

“Just today?”

“Yuri.”

“Alright, alright, geez…” Yuri shrugged and leaned back in his chair. “No need to glare like that. You’re going to get wrinkles.”

It was more than obvious that whatever humour Yuri was seeing in this situation was not seen by Flynn, and if it was, he was doing a spectacular job of hiding it. When he didn’t get the response he had hoped for, Yuri’s smirk faded into a dramatic, drawn out sigh. Of course Flynn wouldn’t take the bait, he knew Yuri’s line all too well. It was both endearing and frustrating at the same time. After all, life wouldn’t be nearly as fun if he got away with everything.

“So it all started this morning with the bugs--”

“...bugs.”

“Bugs.” Yuri nodded and pointed to the floor, wiggling his fingers. “You see, a friend of mine knows where to get crickets cheap, so he hooked me up with a few big bags of them, and we let ‘em loose out in the hallways just before the break between classes so everyone would get to enjoy them.”

“Enjoy them.” Flynn’s tone was flat as he repeated the words, his expression carefully void of emotion as he laced his fingers together. “I see. Continue.”

Raising an eyebrow, Yuri tapped the toes of his boots against the floor as he tried to remember the order in which everything had happened. He’d stopped keeping track after the first few, but somehow, he doubted Flynn would expect that as an answer.

“Then there were the smoke bombs in the courtyard… We filled a few teacher’s desk drawers with glitter and put them in upside down--”

“Upside do--How...? No, nevermind.” Flynn’s expression twisted briefly in disbelief, but he quickly waved hand through the air for Yuri to continue. If he knew his friend right, it this was barely the tip of the iceberg.

“Then we set loose Rappig 1, Rappig 2, and Rappig 4…”

“Where was--” Flynn stopped and felt something in his stomach plummet as he rubbed his forehead. “Was there a third rappig?”

“Nope.”

“Are people still looking?”

“I sure hope so.”

Flynn inhaled and held his breath. He would not laugh; Yuri didn’t need the satisfaction -- or encouragement. He was supposed to be the adult in this situation. Since apparently the teachers could not. “...anything else?”

“Well…” Yuri trailed off, “A mutual friend of ours got a little excited in the chem lab--”

“Ms. Mordio, then.”

“I ain’t naming names,” Yuri shrugged, but the sparkle in his eyes was more than enough to tell Flynn he was correct. “But they got a little too excited with the original prank to just make some coloured smoke that looked dangerous, and that’s what the bang at lunch was.”

“Wonderful.”

“And after all that, we released the bees.”

“Bees!?”

“Bees.” Yuri nodded. “I think around a hundred of them.”

“Yuri!” Flynn’s voice rose, scandalised. “You can’t release bees in a school! People could be allergic--”

“We didn’t release them inside, geez. That’d be cruel to the bees.”

“I’m not sure it’s the bees we should be concerned with in this situation.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a good thing I was kidding about that last one then, huh?”

“You…” Flynn’s shoulders fell as he buried his face in his hands and sighed. If he were honest with himself, he wouldn’t have put it past Yuri to actually release a hundred bees in the front yard, but he truly did like to believe that his dearest friend had some level of control. No matter how low it might be. Yet it hadn’t changed the fact that he’d fallen for it. “...was there anything else?”

“We filled the principal’s office with water.”

“You--excuse me?”

“You know, glasses of water. We filled up a ton of little cups and covered his floor.”

“That…” Flynn trailed off, a tiny smile threatening to overtake the stern expression he was trying to hold. “That one may have been clever, but the rest was completely unnecessary.”

“What? You think I was just going to leave the school quietly?”

“I could have hoped.”

“That’s not my style.”

“It never was.”

“Never will be.”

“Unfortunately, no.” Flynn sighed and shook his head, the subtle smile once gracing his features quickly disappearing. “However, you realise I can’t simply let you slip out of trouble this time.” Flynn’s expression sharpened as he crossed his arms and Yuri knew his fun had come to an abrupt end. “You’ll be lucky if they allow you to walk, Yuri. What was the point of all this?”

“To have a little fun.” Yuri answered simply and shrugged his shoulders. “Everyone is so damn tense and uptight all the time around here. I thought I’d bring them a few laughs before I’d go.”

“I can only be grateful they were not as destructive as some of the stunts I’ve seen pulled here.”

“Well, you know, can’t give you too much of a headache. I’d never get laid if you were stuck here all the time cleaning up for the lazy teachers.”

Flynn choked, tripping over the desk he’d just moved past in order to bring himself closer to Yuri. His cheeks flared, taking on a dark hue in a spectacular impersonation of an apple. It took him nearly a full minute to compose himself before he spoke in a tone he’d hoped would come out firm and reprimanding, but it fell shamefully short. “Yuri!”

“Flynn~”