#idk and also like. everyone else in my life including co workers has been so understanding and kind and compassionate

[trans-xianxian]

hmmmm I drafted an email to my boss abt how her text regarding my time off request after my mother's death made me feel very uncomfortable and how I felt like it was unprofessional should I send it

[unicyclingskinwalker]

Ganyu with a S/O who’s the embodiment of Sin of Wrath

Okay so this has been in my brain for DAYS! How I got this idea? Well my fellow XX and XY chromosomes (please don’t come at me if I didn’t include your gender okay ily) my friend asked me to so yeah. This is my first time writing so please tell if I got anything wrong.

Warning's: Ganyu being teased by Ninggaung, Gn!Reader, violence (kinda), Beidou on her shit again, SFW, fluff.

• ARRGGGG THIS DYNAMIC IS SO CUTE. Since S/O is you know, the embodiment of Sin of Wrath, you can already assume they are a hot headed fellow.

•Just Ganyu being the absolute sweetheart she is, meanwhile S/O just blew up a whole hilichurl camp because one of them looked at them wrong.

• I’d like to imagine S/O is just very blunt with their words towards everyone else, except for Ganyu. Someone could say “Hey, am I ugly?” And S/O will just say without skipping a beat “Yes.”

• But Ganyu is a different case, because my girl has body image issues, she can ask S/O “Do you just pity me?” When she feels down, and S/O just looks at her like “bitch tf?”

• Then proceed to go on a 3 hour rant on how she is perfect.

• Now let’s talk about how Ganyu views S/O. At first encounter she was more or less fucking terrified of them. She was worried S/O would destroy Liyue, but as time went on, feelings developed and then BOOM

•Dating.

• She loves S/O with all her heart, but has to calm them down whenever something ticks them off. Some random citizen looked at Ganyu weird? Well now S/O is about to tackle the dude.

• Venting to S/O about someone was a bit snarky to her? S/O is now asking about any information they have on this person.

• My girl over works herself to exhaustion, S/O would swoop in and take her on a date as a fucking break.

• S/O would bring in small treats for her like strawberries. Also anytime you two go out on a date at a restaurant, you would be the one to say they got he order wrong.

• Also naps with her are the BEST! Pls let her rest her head on your shoulders, she needs it.

• Now her co workers.

• Ningguang would be concerned for well, the entirety of Liyue. The physical embodiment of the Sin of Wrath here? Yep, they are going into a watch list.

• Ningguang would be very on edge anytime they were near S/O but would cover it up. After a while, she be okay with S/O, since they’ve proven they’re not a threat to Liyue.

• When Ganyu and S/O start dating and news of it gets out, ohhh boy, Ganyu is in a world of teasing from Ningguang. Ning would walk up to Ganyu and start to ask her “Is your partner treating you fair? I hope he is.” Or something like that.

• Keqing would be the same case, but on edge for wayyy longer. Like even after when S/O started to date Ganyu. Idk, this girl gives off the vibes she does personal investigation on S/O for WEEKS.

•But at some point she’ll warm up to S/O, a tiny bit. Not a whole bunch but it’s progress. She will definitely be very happy that Ganyu found some joy in her life.

• Now Beidou. She honestly wouldn’t mind S/O that much but jokingly say to them, “I could use you for my crew!” While taking sip of her drink.

• One time, Beidou managed to convince S/O to help her get rid of some hilichurl camps. Well that ended with the hilichurl population at basically zero and the landscape unrecognizable.

• Yeah, S/O and Beidou got in trouble.

• Now Ganyu’s family, Zhongli, Xiao, Shenhe, and Cloud Retainer (Xianyun). (Yes I see them as a family. Yes it’s my own head cannon, idc, bite me.)

• I imagine Ganyu wanted to introduce S/O to them after they started dating.

• Zhongli would be questioning S/O. Since now he can actually see them in person we would ask so many questions about them. Bro would ask them what their most traumatic memory they have.

• Then ask if they like dogs…

• After like a whole court trial’s worth of questions, he would give the green light that he’s good.

• Cloud retainer/ Xianyun. She’s doing full on stalking. Not in a bad way, she just wants to make sure S/O is a good fit for Ganyu.

• At first she would HATE S/O because one, they are the physical embodiment of wrath, and two wrath = extreme violence, and violence is a red flag. She can’t have any harm done to Ganyu, who is practically her child.

• Now after Ganyu had to do some convincing and S/O being told to be on their best behavior, they got the green light! YAYAYA

•Xiao. First encounter and he would immediately pick up on the negative energy S/O has around them, and basically try to kill them, and Ganyu would have to stop it.

•After she explained to Xiao, he would look Ganyu, confused, look at S/O, look up and down, turn back to Ganyu and say “Really?”

• He’s gonna be so snarky towards S/O. Both of you guys would feel uneasy around each other after that incident.

• But you guys will be forced to apologize to each other at some point, likely by Ganyu. You two would still side eye each other but it’s fine.

• Xiao won’t verbally say it, but he will accept you at some point. So YAHOO

• I won’t have much for Shenhe since I don’t know much about her and I don’t want to mess her up so yeah.

• She stare down S/O for god knows how long. Just her mind thinking wether or not if S/O is a good fit.

• Shenhe would also ask some questions such as “What are you intentions with Ganyu? Will you harm her? Are you dangerous?” Answer wrong and you’re going to hear boss battle music.

• Then after some time she’s going to be all like “Okay, they’re fine.”

Alright that’s it for now! This was my first ever post and I hope I got things right enough! Okay ily, drink some water, have a snack or go to FUCKING SLEEP.

[bonebirds]

I don't normally do this and I honestly feel like it's... bad, somehow, but it's a pretty small circle here and idk, I just need some kind of validation or... something? Look I'm bad at this but I am really trying /o\ Everything is just fucked and internet hugs would be nice.

Work:

ignored my original request for medical leave in March

instead tried to PIP me in April (HR intervened and was like, why? All this employee's feedback is positive and they've never been an issue?)

ignored my request for medical leave in May

granted 2 weeks PTO for me to move in the summer but my director also included things like "you will never get benefits for medical issues" and "if you have to quit, I'll help you get a job somewhere else" (paraphrasing) but that if I kept asking for time off, I'd... be... in trouble, vaguely? I'm basically treated like he wants to fire me but alas, cannot :( He does promise to look into any employee emergency funds or help given everything outside of work sounds Bad. He never does.

I emailed HR in June to be like, "my doctor is advising I stop working because I am becoming physically ill from stress and can't function, I am having daily panic attacks logging into work, and btw, my manager has been emotionally manipulating me into working through this illness despite my doctor's documentation" and never heard back.

After I moved, in September they moved me to a team where they did not train me on anything, and my health continued to deteriorate until I just didn't show up for a week and my new manager actually helped get HR involved. I was at this point visibly in meetings losing my fucking mind and calling out former managers for driving this all.

work agrees to grant me paid medical leave but will get back to me about how much of my salary I'll collect on leave. I am given Sept 20-December 31 off.

They don't get back to me at all, and I collect a full month's salary in October. NB: we get paid once a month, at the end of it. This took 5-6 weeks of ignoring the process on their end.

9 days before being paid for November, I'm told I can burn the rest of whatever PTO I have but they will not be paying for this leave. They don't tell me how much that is.

undoing pretty much any and every progress I'd made on de-stressing and recovering from everything else, triggering a shingles attack, and I have zero savings, zero benefits, and zero fucking idea about what to do aside from try to fight for paid leave

I am putting this here mostly because it's too much to hold in my head all at once, ever, and I try to break the last 9 months down and just... like, my god? I showed up to work during all of that. I asked for more and more to do. I did the training and the meetings and the job, and... I am paying out of pocket for treatment because no one there gives a shit and everyone believes the manager I emailed HR about (since fired!***) because she never documented... anything.

So I look like I did nothing for a year and then just asked for leave to cover my ass.

*human trafficking**

**I'm not kidding and I'm really fucking tired of trying to kid about it or talk around it because just being like 'haha, life events" or "drama!" is vague enough I guess people are like "yeah I stress sometimes too" when it's more like "my organs were physically shutting down from stress and I had a complete nervous breakdown when I realized what was going on" :|

*** There's so many layers to this because we were friends before co-workers but she also spent months trying to keep me in a city where I was actually in danger and gaslighting me about helping with it all so she could keep me in the city, so, you know. That was going on too?

I'm not really looking for advice (I'm in the process of looking into what legal protections I have, don't worry) so much as... I don't know. This is fucked, right? This has just reached a level of fucked where I don't know how to keep trying. I was fighting for this job because if I could just pay off another, like, ten grand of debt I'll be okay enough to breathe a little, and I like the folks I work with and it's not a bad gig, and I quit a PhD for this place, and them paying this leave was literally going to be a saving grace I so needed, and...

Yeah.

If nothing else, like, I get to be mad about this, right? I'm trying so hard to actually let myself be mad without flinching from that feeling because it's like all or nothing, I am just defeated and crying and giving up or I am breathing fire and going for their jugular, and neither is practically helpful.

I don't know, man.

But yeah there you go, that's why I had to move accounts suddenly and lost, oh, 98% of my social circle earlier this year 😵‍💫

Jusssssst.

At least typing it all out and looking at it square in the face like that is, yeah. That's horrific treatment. And worth fighting. Even if it's just a few grand, or... something. I don't know. I'm just so fucking hollow all the time again. I was just so close to somewhere less precarious, emotionally and financially.

[countjason]

Jason’s 8th Annual Post/Pre-Year Review/Goal

Last year, I didn’t do this so is this 8 or is this one again?  Maybe’s it’s 7?  Idk…let’s assume it’s 8.

I forget why I didn’t do this since I’ve been pretty good over the course of the decade in both setting goals and reflecting, both good and bad on the outcome of those goals.  I couldn't give you an answer why 2018 was so different than the previous 6 years.  For good or bad, these entries are the only ones I do and maybe the last on Tumblr now that the platform may be dying due to porn.  Either way, I will reflect in the best I can given I didn’t set goals for 2018 and start anew with goals for 2019.

2018 Reflection

Work

2018 was hard.  It started strong with the new position at my new job as a scheduler.  I soon realized, however, I made an ill-made choice.  I can't say it was a "bad" decision because, at the time, I wasn't happy on what became of me being a configuration, change, release manager and the prospect of me being a project manager was slim with the ongoing fight between our contract prime and my company at the time.  The decision to leave seemed easy since my current company had a pay increase so, hey, follow the money right?

Well, six months in and I began to grow tired of the sheer boredom of the job.  Here I go from running a major project, flying to Germany to work with the customer, addressing changes and being active (though be it not what I wanted  to do) NOW basically perform statuses once a month and learning nothing new.  It’s almost to the point where I think I’m forgetting some skills like my SharePoint knowledge since they don’t use that tool at all and caught in their own ways (and anytime you try to change or show them a better way, you’re immediately dismissed).  

I can pinpoint the exact day that started the ongoing job hunt. It was not after I graduated - no, it in September 2018 when my company posted a position for a project manager and I immediately inquired to my boss for which I was told I don't have enough experience for the role.  Not enough experience?  How the heck am I supposed to get experience when I’m not mentored, spinning in my chair picking my nose half the month and told there’s nothing else I need to do or I’m not physically doing any aspect of the job to gain said experience you want in a project manager here?  Do you really think I would leave you hung out to dry or wouldn't know where to ask for help should I needed it (which was likely)? Are you so concerned with your company image that the slightest ignorance in any area is a death sentence?  Here I was familiar with the protocol the company did for financials, scheduling, and other areas that I learned over the course of nine months but because I wasn't an engineer, I was told they wanted to more likely recruit talent from a competitor and more engineering minded despite the fact all the previous PMs had little to no engineering experience at all.  Mind you this was after graduating with my master’s degree in Project Management, have more certifications that are gold standards for my line of work, and just having a background in previous project management type functions and keep in mind folks - a PM is not necessarily the subject matter expert, they are what keeps the project rolling so you really don’t need to know every aspect of a program, just who to talk to and where to look.  

They made me a “Deputy Program Manager” after this conversation but the bulk of my job has been the same as I started...  

It didn’t help they screwed over one of my only friends I barely made at my company and he quit. I’m horrible at making friends and I respected this guy because he was one of the few people that valued my input and didn’t treat me like a high-school intern (“ok children, today we’ll learn what a work breakdown structure is…”).  

Now to continue and conclude with the job topic because this horse is beat’in to death (Sorry, Not Sorry PETA), I will say that the outlook VERY recently is looking good. I have a few more interviews between a couple more companies and hopefully, I can land where my talent is useful.

School

I graduated college in 2018 the 3rd time.  

This time with a master’s degree in project management as I previously mentioned.  It was never my desire after graduating in 2011 to go back to school but in 2015, after watching Caitlin struggle with part-time work and full-time school, I wanted to set somewhat of an example in that you can work full-time work and school and get done with things.  Fast forward to 2018 and I’m done with that and Caitlin is still in school.  I am proud of this accomplishment since the 21-year-old Jason would have never believed I’d have a master’s degree.  

There's some internal vindication for all those Navy Officers that were "better than me since they were Officers" or Chief’s that said “leaving the Navy would be the worst decision I ever made” that I now have a higher education than over half of them a decade later.  They say revenge doesn't feel good – they are full a shit or I'm messed up.   I got to fly my parents to Maryland to witness the graduation in person so at least I know they got to see that.  I did enroll at Columbia Southern University in 2018 to work toward my DBA.  I finished all my prerequisite classes but had to put my school on hold due to the expense of Caitlin's school doubling on me. More on this in 2019 goals.  I’m looking to start that back up in the summer if all aligns properly.

Entertainment

If there’s one thing that I like to do these days is follow NASCAR.  I turned into my father but don’t hate it really.  Here’s me running at New Smyra Speedway this past past weekend.

Unfortunately, when it came to going to NASCAR races this year, we bet and lost on rain occurring in Atlanta (we ended up getting a cat named “Rain De’Lay” as a result and I watched the race happen on TV even though every weatherman said it was going to pour!) and Dad got sick this year and he couldn’t come to the Roval race we planned as well. We did plan the Bristol night race in 2019 so hopefully, I can have that.  Caitlin was a trooper for going to the Charlotte race with me which I know she didn’t overly like which was expected...

BUT…she did go camping and see the north which leads to later this month in us going to the Asheville area of North Carolina for Christmas vacation. If there’s one time in my life I want snow to happen it’s coming up here soon.

Also in entertainment, we had mini-adventures that’s needed – I went to St. Augustine overnight hunting ghosts (or talking to a lamp) at the British Pub’s upstairs apartment.  

Worth noting but technically out-of-bounds for this topic is Caitlin and I went to New Orleans LATE December 2017 (so almost 2018). I also rode in a boat during the Gasperilla festival which is a whole new level of experience.  I am curious to know how many water balloons we will have this year?

We went to Daytona several times this year including our annual family stay at the timeshare and mini-getaways as recent as last week.  We also explored Washington DC and Baltimore during my graduation trip.

Okay – now planning/goals out 2019…

Get a new job – This one is important since 90% of my waking existence is at a job.  If I’m not happy there, it’s too my core and I’m not happy in general.  I wish I was better in this area since Caitlin works in the funeral business and has a better appreciation toward the little things but it’s still a thing since it is 90% of my waking life and I’ve worked since I was 16 yrs old.   I would obviously like to get paid what I feel I’m deserved too – not just get a job to get away from another job.  

Vacations – I have a cruise planned in May which is almost paid for and I would like to eventually go to Las Vegas.  I wouldn’t want to go to Vegas without a little money in my pocket, but we’ll see.  I also have the Bristol night race in August which represents the final bucket list race I could want to do with my Dad.  Does that mean I’m done after Bristol? Probably not but I could certainly wish my Dad off should he die knowing I got him there, Talledega, Daytona, Homestead, and Atlanta.

School – I got a long way to go for a DBA but I’d like to get the main classes started in 2019.  I gotta wait until money isn't so tight or there are options like tuition assistance but I'd like to get started in that.

Find more friends – A lot of my friends 8 years ago I don't really relate to now.  I'm simply not the same person. Those people, in most cases, are the EXACT same people and we don't relate.  Going back to 90% of my day with work, I need to find work friends but certainly not at my current job where everyone I work with me is 20 years older than me or are unsociable.  I mean it can't get any worse than now where I have a co-worker literally 5 feet behind me and insist to communicate primarily through email.  Even if it's not "work" friends, I need friends that have the same goals, likes, and what not.  That's why I like people like Eric or James– they have ambition in areas I like today. I still need to find a NASCAR buddy too but that’s surprisingly hard.

Health – Anyone that says getting older doesn’t suck can blow me.  I know less than 5 years ago, I could run in the morning and had gym buddies which motivated me.  Granted I was walking around like I was crippled half the time afterward, but it was fun.  I really don't have that same motivation these days.  I still go to the gym periodically but not as I used too.  I joke about my fat head so maybe in 2019, I'll find that extra gas in the tank and while I've accepted not being 180 lbs again, maybe just looking better which will make me feel better as well.  

Financially working in the right direction – To get my house, I had to use retirement money.  To fix the carpet that got destroyed in Caitlin’s library, I had to use more.  I have quite a bit of old debt and new debt that is higher than I like but there’s always been this assumption that I’m just waiting for the right job to pay me what I deserve, AND Caitlin will finally pull her weight since I support her. Once one or both those things happen, we will be able to work off that debt and maybe see the chances of retirement….eventually.  

Potentially Move? – Given the job prospects, I’ve been looking at opportunities to leave Florida. I am so over “hot, humid, high of 100” every-freakin-day.  Part of the upcoming North Carolina trip is to expose Caitlin to the cold. If she tolerates it, the option to move up north is more present. I mean hell, our house is an igloo anyway.  Even still talking about moving north, moving east in Florida has the same possibilities. I know 2019 may be too soon given the dependency I have with Caitlin but given the right situation, it’s entirely possible.  

Help Caitlin – I could jokingly say “well this is a huge project” but I don’t mean it like that.  She’s been fighting her demons and I’ve been helping.  I would also foresee myself assisting in her passing her classes and exams she needs to take but that’s really all on her and if she asks for it. In all, I just hope to continue to be a good(ish) role-model and help when I can.

Iracing – 2 more to 10…geez, we’re hitting the bottom of the barrel now.  This is just a hobby, be it an expensive hobby I built up, but I hope to continue doing well in the game and not get bored with it lol.  It’s just too expensive to not.

House Upgrades – I would like to upgrade the floors in the man cave and the bedroom in 2019.  This is a lot of work and shifting of things since I have the master bed which is huge in one room and the racing rig and desk in the other.  I have the supplies sitting in the corner collecting dust waiting to be done, but I would need to shift so much around to do it, I’ve told myself it can only be done if we move.  We’ll see, not putting a lot of hope in this one but it’s number 10 on the list.

Well that’s 2019′s plans for you and some reflection on 2018.  Talk to you next year Jason (and anyone else that reads my rhetoric). 

[anyu-blue]

*collapses onto bed*

My chest is killing me today... Been hard to breathe for a few days now. I don't think it's anything particularly serious (no crackling noises, so probably just anxiety or whatever is wrong with my heart- obvs not a big deal cuz those test results are still not in my chart)... But I also just feel so drained after work... Struggled through every day this week and have today and tomorrow of not easy as well... Though hopefully more pleasant...

I'm so tired of... Everything in the world. I just want to crawl into my shell and hide away for a while.. but I can't do that. Adulting and responsibilities for one, and obligations to be a good friend and family member for two... Though less now because I no longer have at least one other friend... Which means I don't have any of his friends either by all reports... Woo...

...

I don't want to kick People out of my work anymore... And it appears the owner of the place doesn't want me even asking people to wear masks despite our county AND branch mandate... So the 'solution' is for me to leave people alone. I'm supposed to just let people get away with anything and everything and serve them and more... And I just.. yeah probably anxiety. Makes my chest hurt to think about. Not only ILLEGAL to ask me to do... But so wrong...

Of course I can... But I just.. CAN'T, you know? Sure it's technically possible... But it's one of those invisible barrier things. Morally it's SO wrong I just... Can't bring myself to... To do it.

Sure it's mostly for me because I'm FREAKED OUT I'm going to get Covid (or something else) and be unable to work.. But also I've got 13 People I'm in direct contact with to worry about... Let alone who THEY are in contact with!!! 💔 And that doesn't include my coworkers... The other guests... Or even the other workers who enter our establishment. My heart seizes every time I think about it. Like NO!!! We should NOT be letting people COMING FROM OUT OF STATE AND INFECTED COUNTIES get away with not wearing masks!!! Because if they don't HERE, who's to say they're aren't wearing them elsewhere?! In fact it's HIGHLY LIKELY they're NOT 😭😭😭

... oof... Ouch ouch ouch...

*sigh*

I need this job. Badly. Do I want it? *Laughs quietly* .. I want to help my friends and co-workers, sure... But if I could be doing a remote job instead.. or even one that doesn't face People... Oh how I wish I could have that instead... Or, you know... Be able to sit at home doing what I want while collecting unemployment? YES PLEASE... But nah... Only my ex has the privilege of doing that. Not even his parents get to do that... But judging by his mail still being sent here... He's on it again. And he was on it for so long with those bonuses (and not going out and spending every week due to my worry) that he was able to afford a brand new Lexus...

I should probably not let myself think of that... But I'm so hurt that shitbags get to sit on their asses and be rewarded while those of us who are doing our best and mean every kindness get shit on and walk away with wounds and fear and STILL barely enough to scrape by.... It's no wonder I'm insane and drive everything good out of my life... I want to break out of the poverty cycle... And yet... Idk how. To scared to go back and finish school... I'm almost out of debt for going one year... And it's been 8 since I took that year. 8 years to pay off ONE year of schooling.. and people in the fields I want to pursue aren't doing any better unless they're PERFECT at their job... Which I'm not perfect. 😅 ... I try to apply for better positions to finally kickstart a career, but I'm not the young person with potential anymore so I get passed up for younger people or (more understandably) People with more experience in the area they're looking OR (worst of all) for more well liked friends and family members of the hiring managers... I can't even get work at places my family is anymore because I'm just... Me and problematic... I can't work as hard as I used to (and even when I did work that hard, again, I'm nuts so I've used all my chances and scared them all away).... It's disheartening. It makes the insanity worse because I'm scared all the time and get more hopeless with each 'we've gone another direction'...

It's the same story.. again and again and again with me.... And idk what to do...

I'm in therapy... I'm TRYING very hard... I'm doing good every place I can... But it just doesn't feel like enough.

I'm trying so hard not to feel depressed and so low too... To not throw myself pity parties and just do better!! Do better!! Do better!! .... Wait it out!! It'll get better!!!

Well... It never has... It's only gotten worse... The best I had was that Phlebotomy gig... And that was a whole bag of bad in itself... The only good thing about it at all, really, was that I enjoyed my hours and the work. That's it. Even that wasn't enough to make me stay with it when I stopped being treated as a person but just a money maker when the company got bought out... When they moved my hours and started demanding more for the same pay...

I imagine it's only going to get worse because I can't get a shoe in anywhere.... All the good jobs are already taken or have someone lined up for them... And I just... It's so hard not to be depressed by that. Especially being stuck on Night audit when the rest of the world is day shift... Having to fuck up my sleep and more just to get groceries even... (I totally understand pandemic stuff, but it's supposed to turn permanent so... All night shifters get shafted anyway)... It's not healthy...

But I don't have a choice. Even when I try to... I don't have a choice... And annoyingly of course I have that stupid shitbag's voice going through my head of 'oh they won't hire you for this reason' or 'oh that's a shit job, don't apply for that' or.. or... Ugh... I need to let all that go on top of all of this... But damn it all... Once the dam breaks, EVERYTHING floods out... Everything I've kept at bay...

There's nothing anyone can do for me unless I do stuff myself... More than I am doing... And it hurts too because I'm pushing myself as hard as I can... But it's not as hard as others can and I'm so far behind... I can't... I can't fix it fast enough... Doesn't matter how much I focus on it!!

I ask how I can help or how I can get into Peoples good graces again or if I can ask a favor and all they tell me is 'focus on yourself'... Not realizing (even though I've told them) I need your HELP!! I need other ideas!!! better work!! I need your good word even and my mental state will Drastically improve!!! Please!!! But I'm just nuts... And need to be less nuts... on my own... And it's just.. THIS IS HOW PEOPLE GO NUTS... Being alone all the time. Being the responsible party all the time.. never getting breaks... Like I said... I know I've used all my breaks up... So I shouldn't even be asking or complaining.. I know...

If I want people to reach out to me.. nope. sorry, not going to happen. It's up to me to reach out to them.

If I ask people to do me a favor like looking into a job... Nope, sorry already taken, or (more commonly) just apply and see what happens!! I can't help you (though they help others and even OFFER the position to other friends/family--- namely my step mom offering a position to my little sister that she doesn't want, that I've expressed real interest in AND have mentioned I'm looking for work in... aND I have experience in!! Nope.. completely.. completely ignored AND despite the fact that she has sway... My application will probably be tossed anyway... And I'm Just... I feel destroyed by this)

I should probably just stop here. I'm.. I'm so upset and yet I know.. I KNOW this is all my fault... I've.. made mistakes.. and gone without help I need for so long.. and pushed people away (mostly unintentionally, but obvs that doesn't matter)... And now I'm in this spot where I can ONLY help myself.. and it's so obvious to everyone else, though I feel I could use help people are capable of providing...

I just want to die...

But I don't even want to do that because I actually want so much more for my life and those around me... But not being here would be so much easier and less painful... I'm just a stupid placeholder to make other people feel better. Which, as important as that is, REALLY SUCKS for the person stuck with the job.

I tried so hard for so long.. and I THINK I did good to lift others up, to support them and help them get themselves out of the holes they've dug- those mostly older than myself even.... But to get to the point where that's where I'm at... And simply to have a shovel dropped on my head because I'm 'old enough' to do everything on my own... Despite being told I needn't do it on my own and should ask for help whenever I need it, only to be denied and hurt and have more dirt pulled out from under me instead... (It's very confusing and not at all helping the insane issue I have going on)... It hurts so God damned bad.... And it makes me think that maybe... Maybe I'm NOT wrong about being nuts... That maybe all that 'help' I gave to people wasn't actually me or my help at all... Just People humoring me and pretending.

Idk..

I sound like that awful ex friend of mine...

But honestly... Idk what to do anymore...

My hope... My hope is just about all gone....

And when it is... What do I do? Where do I go?

I'm more like my disgusting mother every day (except the drugs and alcohol abuse)... And I just can't find a way out that isn't wildly hard for me.

I swear I'm suffering undiagnosed Something (asperger's, ADHD, ect?)... Maybe it's just me being a hypochondriac... And lazy... And wishful.. to blame all my problems on an unseen force beyond my control... And that's why everyone tells me to just pick myself up... Because I'm actually normal and just crying for unneeded attention...

[tristealven]

EPIC SKAM READER’S MEME

I was tagged by @towonderland72 <3 I’m really bad at remembering what I’ve read, unless it’s poetry. Or a physical book I’ve held in my hands. And I’m probably forgetting a ton of great fics I’ve read at one point or another. But I’ll try :))   

The first fic you fell in love with: Lost Boys by Kit, and I’m not even saying this because she tagged me. It’s been a long time since I read it, but I remember that it felt somehow honest and real. And Oslo felt like Oslo, which isn’t always a given in fics written in English.

The last fic you fell in love with: Actually a fic that hasn’t been published yet. Everything is described so vividly that it almost feels like that I am living in that universe. Check back in a month or so, so I’ll let you know which one it is ;)  

The fic that you’ve re-read the most times: I don’t remember reading anything more than twice. But I have bookmarked some longer fics I think I might want to read again. Including Blanket Fort Gospel by Sabeley, because the way it handled religion and internalized homophobia was so gorgeous.   

A fic that you didn’t expect to love as much as you do (based on the description, a pairing or whatever): Hmm, probably All Stories Are Echoes by @e-sebastian. The description didn’t actually capture my interest. I only read it because @towonderland72 & @skamskada kept telling me to. And I’m so glad I did! (Although I cried like two days straight.) Ooh, also Those magic changes my heart arranges by @diamondjacket. I’m not a big fan of Grease, but I saw an anon comment on tumblr and decided to give it a chance.

A fic you knew you were going to love from the first paragraph or even just reading the description: Something In The Languages Of Trees, my secret santa gift from @kausaustralis. Just reading the description and tags I knew it was practically tailor-made for my interests. It has slow burn, mutual pining, missed connections & poetry. Yes, Isak writes poetry, in a very believable Isak way. Love the way Kat uses some elements from canon but skillfully flips parts of Isak and Even’s stories without making it feel ooc or forced.  

A fic that makes you feel like shouting about it to anyone who listens because everyone needs to read it: I’m keeping Kit’s answer. An Equal and Opposite Reaction by @junkshop-disco . Because it’s the best thing ever. Also, som i ett isolerat system by @vesperthine, if you can read swedish. There’s a sequel, too, I think? I just haven’t had time to read it but it’s most likely excellent.

The fic you are/were the most excited to be updated: Currently: Smoke Signals by @lesbovilde. I also remember waiting for updates for a mental archive of love unwanted by @icelandcurry and Scene Three, Take Two by @folerdetdufoler. That was quite many considering I try to stay away from wips.

The fic you caught yourself thinking/theorizing about the most during your everyday life: Half Blade and Half Silk by smokeshop, maybe. (I tried to tag her tumblr but it isn’t working for some reason.)

A fic you want to print out and have it among your books on the shelf: All Stories Are Echoes, definitely. Take me to the stars by @westiris. I don’t even care that it’s not finished. I mean, Netochka Nezvanova got published even though Dostoyevsky never finished it. (Btw, anyone ever written Netochka/Katya fic? I could possibly be interested.)

A fic universe you want to live in: I have actually thought about this before – it’s TMTTS.

A fic to which you would read endless amount of follow-ups, one-shots, meta, etc. by the author: right click > save as because I’m so intrigued by Isak in it. I know Kit probably won’t want to revisit that verse though.

The scene in a fic that made you laugh the hardest: Probably something in Unclassified by @brionbroadway. Because working at a library is exactly as she describes. Well, except for the hot rockstar librarian co-worker part. I don’t have any of those.  

The scene in a fic that made you cry the hardest: Many scenes in All Stories Are Echoes. Absolutely everything in We Keep This Love in a Photograph by kapplebougher.

A scene in a fic that left you hot and bothered: I’m that weird person who skims or skips smut unless it’s realistic and moves the plot along. My favorite sex scenes aren’t necessarily hot at all, more like emotionally devastating, lol. But I think I probably enjoyed the tension in Sabeley’s fics Never Have I Ever and Teach Me To Forget?

A scene that squeezes your insides and hard to read but in a good way: All the miscommunication in The Notion of Falling by smokeshop hurt me in a good way. Also, many scenes by @e-sebastian, @vesperthine and @junkshop-disco, because I’m a broken record and want to mention them in every answer, apparently.

A twist that made you gasp out loud: Not going to spoil it, but there was a thing in Forsvarlig behandling by Frieda Echte that I genuinely did not see coming. Don’t think I gasped, though.

A line, scene, a metaphor or an idea in a fic that made you think: Think, or maybe feel, and those feelings made me think. Idk. This line from SITLOT: "In the saddest universe, your father never left; he didn’t have to, to ruin you. Here’s the best part: you ruin yourself." Multiverse is one of my favorite Isak things from canon and I love it when it’s mentioned in fic but it’s still subtle. Because often it feels maybe too heavy-handed?

A character you fell in love with because of a fic (or multiple fics): Can’t think of any? If I love someone, I loved them in canon, too.

A pairing you’ve grown to love because of a fic (or multiple fics): Not a pairing, but that Jonas/Isak/Even poly fic (kisses on the neck of) best friends worked for me although I wouldn’t have guessed it. (Also, it was really smutty for my standards, but it was plot-related smut.)

A fic you (re-)read if you have a bad day / would recommend for someone to read if they’re having a bad day: Oh god, I don’t know. My taste is so dark and almost morbid most of the time, there isn’t a lot of feel-good fics that catch my attention. 

A fic you (re-)read when you really miss Skam / would recommend for someone to read when they really miss Skam: Hmmm, Frieda Echte’s Er vi lykkelige no? continues where Season 4 ended and it’s in Norwegian, so it could be a good choice for anyone who understands Scandinavian languages. Can’t think of anything in English though because I read so little canon-compliant fics.     

This took forever!! I’m tagging: @kausaustralis, @holocene-days, @crazyheartfics, @icelandcurry, @vesperthine, and anyone else who wants to do this. I don’t actually know if I have any followers who read skam fic. 

[anxiousheart4]

Looking for a Lifeline!

I know it's been a while since I’ve posted in my own words, in fact it's been almost a year, I’m sorry for that. I’ve always been terrible at keeping up with journaling, so why would I think blogging would be any different? Lol. 

If you haven’t noticed, I am a fan of TWLOHA and its message to everyone. I've always followed them, and they mean a great deal to me. So I hope in my absence, you’ve enjoyed the posts of theirs I've been sharing.  🙂

Anyways, I don’t have any really good excuse for while I haven’t posted for a long while  (well I do between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, but not since then), and I even got a new laptop this year, that works SOOOO much better then my old, glitchy, slow ass one; so not having a computer can’t be my excuse. And I've had a lot of free time this Summer, so I can’t even say I was busy either. Basically no excuse, but I’m back; so lets catch up.

So, between Thanksgiving and Christmas I was working 4 jobs!

-Mon-Fri 8am-4pm at an office job that I hated.

-Sat & Sun at the Zoo taking kids photos with Santa

-And then Mon-Fri nights, I switched between working at my local GameStop, and helping at my other local Zoo taking Santa photos as well.

The office job I was working was doing bookkeeping at a nursing home. I met some nice residents there, and some mean ones. I met some nice co-workers, and some I didn’t quite get along with. There was 3 other girls in my office. 

One was extremely nice and helpful, and patient with trying to teach me, I got along with her quite well. I would actually have conversations with her, and it felt like she did want to get to know me. 

Another was the Boss’ wife, and she was nice and all, but also very intimidating, and she never made me feel welcomed; she would be having a conversation with the other 2 girls, but as soon as I tried to join the conversation it was like “we got to get back to work” and the conversation stopped. 

And the last girl, I would have thought I would have gotten along with her so well, we have the same taste in music and tv shows, I was like oh yay we can bond! NOPE! I did everything she gave me to do, and asked me to do and it was never good enough, or fast enough, or competent enough, or just enough. She made me feel like a complete failure! And unless she needed me for something, it was like I didn’t even exist! She would go out for lunch, and ask the other 2 girls in the office if they wanted her to bring back anything, and she never even looked my way and asked me once, never! Seriously the best days at work were when she didn’t come in for some reason or another.

Besides the one girl, no one else ever tried to make me feel welcomed in the office, I spent 6 months of my life feeling like an outcast at work, looking for a lifeline, just trying to survive. Apparently the girls in the office went out after work and hung out together, not like I was ever invited to join and get to know them. Instead I went to the movie theater next to work where a friend of mine was a manager and would stop in to see her or go see a movie all by myself. The only time I was ever invited out with them was when they would go to lunch for someones birthday, and still I think that was mostly because every one split the bill evenly except the birthday girl (which I do approve of), so it was a little less money for everyone else. Only the one girl made me feel like I was actually welcomed, otherwise I just listened to their conversations, cause no one seemed to wanna include me. And Surprise Surprise! They never did anything for my birthday! They do all this stuff for the employees birthdays, bring in breakfast, go out to lunch, decorate their office, etc. all I got was a generic card they did for everyone “Happy Birthday from ’The Companies Name’”.

I think one thing that can make even the worst job in the world bearable, is your co workers. I’ve had some terrible jobs, but I had some awesome co workers, so I didn’t dread going to work as much everyday because I got to see them. Safe to say, most of my coworkers there never made me feel like a coworker, a friend, or anything else. I went to work everyday dreading the next 8 hours of my life. When I got let go, I never even said good bye to any of the other people who worked I the building, I only said good bye to the nice one in my office and that’s it. So the ONLY things I liked about the job, was that I got to sit down to work, and the money, oh the money! I miss the money soo bad! But the job gave me SOOO much stress and anxiety, idk if it was worth the money. 😞

Although, I was able to buy my new computer, a MacBook Air, and I have wanted a MacBook since I was in high school, I just could never afford it.

My other jobs, were pretty good, only minor complaints. But I LOVED my coworkers at the other 3 jobs! The biggest complaint was that I had no time to myself because I was so busy.

Gamestop was cool, after only being there for a couple weeks they interviewed me for a supervisor position, they believed I was competent enough! The only reason I didn’t take it, was cause I got the office job, and I couldn’t turn down the money (though now I wish I hadn’t, it would have saved me soo much stress and anxiety). So I stayed seasonal, so when the holiday season was over, my employment was over there. 

The one Zoo I worked at during the week, I've worked at for years now, and I love it, and the guys who play Santa are sooo nice, I get some really nice guests, and 90% of the time everything goes smoothly, and I actually hang out with my coworkers outside of work! 

The other Zoo I worked at Sat & Sun was pretty much the same as the first Zoo, I love my co workers, and actually hang out with them outside of work. The big complaint about that Zoo, was the guy who played Santa. HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! He had an opinion on everything, and had a problem with how we run our business, and he wouldn’t even let the kids tell him what they wanted for Christmas. We told him we wanted to get a picture of the kids talking to him, and he would tell the kids to “look at him and PRETEND to tell him what they wanted” and then as soon as I took the photo, even if the kid was in the middle of something he would just kick the kid off his lap and move on to the next family. I’m sorry, but if I had kids, I would definitely NOT want them to go see that Santa! I don’t see how so many people line up to see him, and he’s been Santa at the Zoo for years! How has he not lost the Zoo business! But I still like my job, so I'm going back again this year! Lol

Anyways, so that was my holidays, as were coming up to another holiday, lol.

After the holidays, and my busy schedule, I went to Arizona and Mexico for 10 days, and it was AMAZING and relaxing, with only a few hiccups. Like an all inclusive resort without free wifi! What is that? I was gonna use wifi to check in with family back home, but that didn’t happen! And the the room was falling apart, and one of our rooms had bugs in it, and maids didn’t clean very well, like wtf kind of resort was this? But besides that, I got to see and hang out with my sister from another mister who lives in AZ and I don’t get to see often. We went line dancing, which was FANTASTIC! I got to spend my 29th birthday in Mexico, Florida, and AZ + flying over the states between! And with the time difference my birthday lasted 26 hours instead of 24! And I didn’t think about work once during the whole trip until they day I had to come back, and it was because I didn’t wanna come back and go to work!

WOW this is getting long, I'm sorry, only a couple more topics I need to talk out. Its been a very stressful year!

Well after I lost the office job, I've been pretty much Ubering for money, and not making too much of it. But all summer I got to spend weekends going to Bridal/Baby Showers, Weddings and family parties, which I've never really gotten to do before (well besides the weddings, I've never missed a family wedding), so that was awesome! And the weekends we didn’t have an parties, I went up north to my family’s summer home, which my parents just got about 2 years ago, and I’ve barely been able to go before. Which is soo much fun! Ice cream socials, the pool, bonfires, drinking games, bar hoping out on the boat! Nothing about it isn’t fun! So YAY!

If you remember, last November I moved in with my 93 year old grandma with dementia. This experience has been stressful. She spends her days trying to call her mother and grandmother, who are at the cemetery; pacing around the house; she puts dirty dishes in the dishwasher away and washes clean dishes twice; she sets the air conditioning and heat up to 80 degrees, I swear she’s trying to kill me. Its very hard, but I love her, and I love that I get this time to spend with her. And thank god for my mom who is only a call away to help with grandma when my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t deal with her atm, I wouldn’t survive this without her!

This week is going to try me though. I’m staying home all week with grandma, because she just had surgery. She had skin cancer on her nose, and they had to remove it. She’s fine, but she has a bandage on her nose that she isn’t suppose to take off, and yet she does like every time I look away, she’s not supposed to irritate it by touching it or blowing her nose, but she tries to blow her nose every 5 mins. And she’s suppose to sit down and relax with her head back so it doesn’t start bleeding again, I swear she won’t stay sitting if her life depended on it. Ill probably write more about living with her at a later date, but Ill leave it to that now. 

Lastly, while I was sitting down writing the blog post, I got a call that just devastated me. My grandma on my other side, has been having some health issues the last week and it has not been looking good, I was going to go see her tomorrow night. Well my mom called me to let me know that she passed away tonight. She was 82 years old, and though she would technically be my step-grandma, she was the only one I ever knew on that side, and I loved her just the same. My dads mom died of tuberculosis probably about a decade before I was born, but my grandpa remarried an amazing woman, and some of my extended family had trouble accepting her (the cousins opinions, usually based on their parents, who probably thought she was trying to take their mothers place, like some kids react to a step mom), but I always saw her as grandma. What kills me is the last time I saw her, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye! It was my cousins wedding at the beginning of October, and even though I talked to her during the wedding, when she left that night, I was out on the dance floor or somewhere, and didn’t know she was leaving, so I never said goodbye. And now I'll never have the chance too!! I know she knew I loved her, and though her body was deteriorating, her mind was still has sharp as ever! She was a sweetheart! And my sister and I kept saying we were going to go visit her and bring her dinner, or watch the Blackhawks game with her, and as much as we said it, we barely ever went, and I really wish we had! She was an amazing woman and I’m so happy I got to call her Grandma, but I’m going to regret not spending more time with her when I could, especially near the end! When my Grandpa died, over 15 years ago, I had actually seen him the week before, and gave him a hug and kiss goodbye before I left. Plus he died 2 days after Christmas, and he used to give all the grand children $10 for Christmas (there was 29 of us at the time so for him that was still a lot of money), so I had gotten one last Christmas present from him, which I never spent. I have $10 just sitting in a jewelry box, because nothing ever seemed important enough to spend it on. And after he died I was given his guitar, which I still cherish! I fear I won’t have nothing but 1 picture with my grandma to remember her by. Its going to be hard to say goodbye!  😭

So since its 2 am, and I've been holding back tears while I've been writing this post, and my anxiety and depression will probably be bad this week, I think its time for me to go to bed. Sweet Dreams sweet readers!

[rastacutie]

Trust is bull shit

About 3, 31/2 years ago I met this man. I know you’re thinking oh another stupid hurt boyfriend posts but this is crazy and my mind can’t decide what to do. This is now a legal problem I have no idea. I didn’t want this to ever get out of hand.

I met this man. I knew him for about 5 years from his mother who tried really hard to hook us up even though he was on Texas. (I was friends with him mom for a long time through an old friend) anyways he wound up moving here because he got a random call in the morning from his ex bitch of a waste of life saying she had no idea she was pregnant since Kenna was sitting in a weird way and she “didn’t think about it” she knew. She told her best friend and one guy she was cheating on and he took off to another town. Shocking because she looks just like him. Anyways she swore up and down it was his even though it was clear it wasn’t. But no one would man up to be there for this little girl and if he didn’t take care of her, her life would be terrible. About 4 months of trying to make it work she admitted that she slept with about 4 other people including his brother so it could be anyone. Then she left told him to figure it out because she didn’t want Kenna at all in the first place. And then HOOKED UP WITH HIS BROTHER!!! AND HAD A KID! Kenna has a fucking sister cousin in Texas she doesn’t even know about because the mother has hardly any rights and gives them up every year not even a birthday call. He left that crazy ass shit and came to Oregon where his god mother is. (Our mutual friend) but Kenna after a while I was the one she chose to call mommy because I’ve always been Irie. I could go on with this story but I’ll move on.

He heard that and knew I was the one so he purposes and I say yes. I was so excited my family loved him, they loved Kenna, we were looked at like the Joneses. He even told my dad he’ll never have to worry. That I’ll always be taken care of no matter what. That’s why my dad gave him the blessing.

He promised...

In between that he went through many jobs, always gone, found an unanswered women’s shirt in the laundry (even Kenna said it wasn’t mine) he tried to blame it on everything else but I was reading his texts looking at it all and I knew there was something more with his boss. All he would do is swear nothing happened try being extremely over the top defensive. Said it was his Mom’s (a rich women who doesn’t wear crap cloths. Um and she’s in fucking Texas why would it show up out of no where when I’m washing his cloths!!!???) anyways it was constant fighting between the both of us very aggressive love and we thinning, sex was become more less everytime I saw him. I knew. I didn’t need his confession I knew. At that point though I was pregnant with our child! One we tried really hard to get. I was so heart broken. And you would think he would understand. Well we kept trying and trying but it was just constant fighting and when it was fighting it was bad. Both of my winter jackets torn. (I live in bend fucking Oregon it gets below zero and I still have nothing warm to wear.) things were just getting out of hand even quitting and trying all these different gigs that just didn’t work out.

He did finally get a home gig but he was gone working all night and sleeping all day. I lost 3 days of sleep with the baby all night and the (at the time) 3 year old. I was wearing thin and with how bad my anxiety and depression was it was really wearing on me. But that didn’t matter. He would pretend to help once in a while but that was just giving candy out and ignoring the baby because the 3 year old is ALWAYS more important. This poor baby has only had real attention and love from me and who I call my mom (grandma Jess). It hurts my heart. She’ll always be our second. It’s fucked up. The fights got worse. Things were being packed and thrown by the door. His mom instigated almost all our fights because she now hates me. We hate each other. She’s wronged me in so many evil horrible ways I couldn’t even go there.

One morning I was spread very thin. The 3 year old wouldn’t eat the baby I was trying to get ready. Everyone had ate and gotten ready except for me. (Course mom is ALWAYS last) and I have my fiancé acting like a 15 year old while I’m fighting with the 3 year old to stop throwing fits and whining it’s rude and she had been doing it all morning. My anxiety kicked in and went nuts when he says “why aren’t you ready? I thought we were getting Dutch bros” I flipped my switch and exploded. I said “because I’ve had to make breakfast, get the kids ready, clean, now I’m changing a diaper and you’re not even helping at my struggle. So I said I was going to remove myself from the situation and go get ready. I haven’t even had time for a damn bowl of cereal! So I’ll do what you say and get ready! I walked into the bathroom and started to get ready. He must have felt a little bad because he then bring me a bowl of cereal I’m thinking “how am I suppose to even have time to eat that?” So I kept getting ready. Noticing that my legs were hairy on a hot day I was bummed and drew a bath so I could shave really fast. I couldn’t hear anything.

Normally my 3 year old either walks in or knocks or does something when she has to pee so I know. I never heard anything and continue to get ready. I was taking off my cloths to get into the bath and hurry so I latched the door. All of a sudden I have him with a pissed off face saying he’s done with my attitude that morning and was done. He told me 1 time to get out I said no I’m doing what you asked which is to get ready she can pee I’m the one that potty trained her. 2nd time he says to get out I say no this is my bathroom I can get ready if I want too. 3rd time he lost it and picked me up by my arms and threw me in the hallway. Closing the door so the 3 year old doesn’t see anything else.

He went into this trance that wasn’t him. No words were said I was pushing him off me ripping his shirt and telling him to stop. He kept flipping out and throwing me around till he threw me in the middle between our room door way and the hall again. Then got on top and strangled me. I have asthma so that short breath came earlier then most and I was fighting and my legs were giving out I was sure this was it. I have never felt more terrified in my life. The feeling still comes back once in a while just the feel of it. Once I went limp he got off and freaked out about what he had just done. Pacing back and forth staying please don’t call please think about what you’re doing. I said I am. You need help. And I called 911. Already I had terrible bruises that quickly. The man I thought loved me and would never hurt me like that did. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I felt heart broken I felt played I felt so little. Scared. Lost. Lonely. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to get over it. Those beautiful blue eyes that my daughter has burns in my eye lids. The feeling of the pressure on my throat I thought I would never forgive him. I had to move out of MY home I got MY self and had to leave according to DHS for safety, my step daughter was taken to Texas to be with his mother the one that hates me. They brain washed her, well tried she is smart and calls people’s bull shit out so she knew what they were saying was wrong. They would tell her I’m her fucking step mother. I have been her mom almost since day 1. I never had my heart break. She said it twice in front of her friend. And she was molested by her cousin and her grandma did nothing. Kept it a secret. I couldn’t believe all this.

At the same time I’m dealing with my fiancé trying to give him a chance to speak since he was broken admitted his wrongs, did his time, wrote me letters while he was in there (that she kept from me his mother) and he’s begging on his knees he’ll do anything for me and our family to be fixed. He couldn’t believe how it got that bad and he cried for days. Sleeping in his car but paying to make sure we can pay rent to have a roof over our heads especially with the 3 year old coming home. He even wanted to kill himself because he felt so guilty. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because god damn me I love the fucker so much I could never explain. I mean come on I would never have kids but we had a planned child together. I love him to the point where love has me blinded I keep hoping as well that we can repair our family. He would blow up my phone if I was even slightly upset he wanted me and us back more then life. I tried.

He then cheats on me with two of his co-workers. He claims he never had sex but to read on his work phone how one says things like honey, sweetheart, and says I have to talk to you about something but I can’t tell you on the work phone. She shows up at the fair and he claims he had no idea she hits him up after and they both blame me and my insecurities. Shortly after I read another text on his work phone saying “I wanna do dirty nasty things to you” and the girl says “oh yeah ;) show me. Then it skipped to something else. Her meeting him for lunch and all this shit. I beat the crap out of him. She was constantly reaching out to me telling me shit that at first crushed me but then I saw she was lying hard core just to get under my skin. She wouldn’t even leave me alone after all the shit went down and he was on his knees crying and pleading again saying the reason he did it was only because I questioned if he loved me and he thought that was it. I told him it gives him no right to be sexting this women. Both were also in a relationship! My dumb ass still tried to keep our relationship going for our girls pretty much at this point because we as lovers changed. He claims it never stopped for him. My trust is gone. One second I love him the next I hate him with a burning passion. Idk what’s worse at this point.

It’s now been like 4 months and with his guilty Conscience and my insecurities now it’s also caused a lot of issues. I just can’t trust him even though we constantly talk. We love each other and want to fix this. He took upon himself to get into these classes that help with anger and parenting. I’m trying to give him that 3rd and last chance but I feel like so much has changed In our relationship it feels like that awkward first date but not in a good way. No hand holding, no leg touching. Yeah sex but I want more emotional insite love. He’ll do extremely nice gestures but it doesn’t feel emotionally the same. I tried to tell him that and he had to wrap his head around it assumed it would be better to split and wouldn’t call me or talk to me all day. It’s so easy now to disregard my emotions and his only matter. He didn’t even get the point. I don’t understood I want my family and my life back. But I woke up terrified again for the first time since June 4th 2018. The worst year of my life. He says things that would make you feel like he’s Prince Charming and everything will be okay. How much he loves me and needs me but flips a switch and it’s always my fault. I’m not sure how much more I can take. My heart has been through the fucking wringer and all I wanna do is cry. I wake up at 5:30am every morning crying because I miss him for 15/20 mins then fall back asleep. How could I love someone who’s wronged me so badly? I have NO idea..... 💔