#idk i'm still processing but creating things has always been my way to process

[nervouspearl]

[fruitsofhell]

Something I really like about Rose Quartz's characterization is how dedicated the writers were to making what she did morally grey. Idk it would have been really easy for the twist to be she was Just Evil, especially learning she was related to the main villains, but no they created this very vague character who even in her appearances feels mysterious. If anything Rose is the one thing that is less clear to me after my rewatch, because now seeing the nuance in her character pulls me out of a black-ane-white view of her and into one that is just... foggy.

But a vibe I do get from Rose, is that despite clearly being incredibly compassionate, she's someone who lacks empathy in the case of the ability to fully realize others' autonomy and thought processes. There's just a lot of decisions she makes that feel aloof in an odd way, and when combined with how childish she can be it can give the impression she sees everything as a game. But it's still clear that she cares and is genuinely moved by the Earth, and when her entire truth is revealed you can see how ideologically honest she was. Even if it feels like her beliefs are just so she can have fun, but that is part of freedom, the freedom to vibe and explore and do silly things she couldn't.

That attitude clearly just comes from her position as Pink Diamond. It was an oppressive role emotionally, but not as literally oppressive as the lives of those around her. I think her relationship with Pearl is where I find the most of the part of me that sees her as compassionate but unempathetic. Pink can't fathom what it's like to have been born to be an obedient servant and how that would cloud Pearl's judgement. How telling her "I'm going to fight for this world but you dont have to" would mean nothing to her because she is still obsessed with her, how entering a romantic relationship with something while they're still effectively your servant is unhealthy, or how spending her life flirting with other men would probably tear your servant-to-lover-to-ex up inside lmao. With the first she obviously meant to be giving her a choice because she cares about Pearl, but she can't understand how to truly give Pearl freedom of choice she can't treat her like a fully freethinking person. With the second she doesn't understand how her power has an unhealthy impact on her bond with Pearl. And with the last it's not at all that Rose isn't allowed to move on, but I just always found she has a lack of awareness of Pearl's jealousy and misery that's a bit inappropriate. Not that you can't assume she has already let Pearl down easy or cares about her coping, but it's never shown, which feels like a deliberate choice.

I'm working on a more organized theory about Rose's characterization, but it is deeply fascinating. Her and Pearl's relationship is as well, I feel like it's sometimes characterized as just a mean jealous ex situation but like it's way more fucked than that, and is a great exploration of power dynamics, obsession, and grief. Love me some toxic doomed yuri.

[sweetaspuffpastry]

umm so i wrote a little fic/blurb idk i don't think it's good but it's something that's been stuck in my head for a while with my own little oc named grace but her name is only mentioned a few times so it could totally be ignored and seen as reader.

anyway this is my first ever fic so please be kind to me and if you have suggestions or other fic ideas i'd love to hear them.

not proof read and lowercase intended.

and if you think it's awful please lie to me i'm fragile 😔

deny

you are a lover girl. a hopeless romantic, someone who dreams of finding "the one" and living happily ever after. kie often says you tend to fall in love a little with everyone you meet. you can't help it though, you have so much love in you, it feels like you'll burst at the seams if you don't share it with others.

you think you're in love with your best friend jj maybank. no one understands you the way the wild blond haired boy does. no one can communicate with you with just a single look the way jj does. no one makes your heart beat out of your chest and your tummy flutter the way his dimpled smile does, eyes crinkling at the corners, a slight sunburn on his nose because lord know that boy doesn't use the sunscreen you bought him.

so yeah you're in love with jj maybank but then yesterday a different boy kissed you. pope heyward, your other best friend, genius extraordinaire whom you thought was maybe in love with kie but no- he kissed you and you felt a tingle in your ever beating heart. heat filled your cheeks and your ears became fuzzy. that was a new feeling when it came to pope. it made you excited to explore because as much as you love jj, you don't think the boy would ever return your undying affection because your friendship meant too much.

----

you stood in the threshold of popes bedroom, gasp stuck in your throat, eyes wide and mouth open at the sight before you. you’re not sure how to process what you’re seeing.

before you on the bed that pope kissed you on not even 24 hours ago, is jj maybank, your closest friend, kissing the heyward boy.

so many emotions flow through you at the sight before you.

shock because not once has jj; or pope for that matter mentioned or even hinted that they liked men- or each other. then again, jj has always liked beautiful people and pope is certainly that.

sadness because you and pope had literally just kissed. maybe you were naive to think a simple kiss meant something more to the boy, but it was pope, you don't think there's a mean bone in his body. then again you’ve always been too much of a romantic, too blinded to really see what’s in front of you. blinded by your want and need to be loved that perhaps you create situations in your mind that you interpret as reality? maybe you need to contact your therapist again. you're sounding even more delusional than before.

lastly, you feel jealousy. the angry green monster rumbling around in your tummy, making its way up your throat. you’re not sure what exactly is making you jealous because the image of the two boys kissing is surely confusing. are you jealous because pope is kissing another person who isn’t you? a part of you is jealous because he’s kissing jj. or maybe it’s that jj is kissing pope or that maybe they’re kissing eachother and they're not kissing you? you're not sure at this point. dear diary jealousy is a disease babes, and you are infected.

you must have made a noise because next thing you know, the two boys are pulling apart, a string of spit still connecting them and for a second your love rattled brain is jealous of it. the spit that is, because deep down you’ve always known that you wanted them both… to be the one to connect them. you feel slightly crazy being jealous of spit.

jjs face goes beat red and then flushes pale, like a ghost. he looks terrified and like he might vomit all over the floor in a second.

“grace!” popes panicked voice reaches your ears but they’re still kind of ringing from the shock of seeing your supposedly straight best friends kiss.

in your heartbroken haze you wonder if you're being a bad ally right now. you love the gays you swear! you just never pictured pope and jj as being a part of the gays ™.

you clear your throat, “jb and kie are waiting for us downstairs. we were going out on the boat today, remember?”

you try and say that as gently as possible because jj still looks like he’s going to pass out and pope isn’t much better.

popes hands are shaking as he reaches for you and a part of you wants to pull away but you’re not mean. you’ve never been mean so even if your feelings are hurt you’ll always put your best friends feelings above your own. and it looks like pope needs to touch you. maybe to hold your hand and reassure him you’re really standing there, witnessing something that you probably shouldn’t have.

so many emotions flicker through popes eyes. you can’t really see his blush but you’re sure if you touch his face it would be hotter than the sun.

pope grabs your hands in his shaking ones. you can feel how clammy they are and you hazard a look back to jj who has yet to even move. you’re a little concerned he’s gone into shock.

you let out a soft sigh and smile at the boys, a smile that is mostly genuine.

you squeeze popes hand and make eye contact with the panicked blonde boy on the bed.

“it’s ok jj. i won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.” you speak kindly, as if you’re talking to a scared feral cat.

you only see jj swallow hard. “for what it’s worth, i understand the appeal... wanting to kiss pope and all.” you tease hoping to cut the obvious tension in the room. you feel like you're the one choking now.

jj and pope both let out huffs like they’re afraid to laugh but also relieved you’re not upset.

“you’re not mad?” jj croaks like he still has a frog lodged in his throat. he looks at you with soft wonder, like you’re the best thing in his life. his stare makes your tummy flutter.

“of course not. you guys are my best friends. i only ever want you to be happy!” you reply honestly. jj deserves happiness after the shit life he’s been dealt. he deserves good things and if you have to set aside your feelings in order for him to have good things then by golly you’ll do that.

“grace, about yesterday-“ pope starts off,

“don’t worry buddy, already forgotten.” you cut him off. hopefully saving him the strife of having to apologize to you about the kiss and saving you the embarrassment of him telling you he regrets your kiss. you don't think you could survive hearing that out loud.

you march over to jj still holding popes hand, effectively dragging the boy with you. you throw your arms tightly around jjs neck and after a heartbeat, jj returns your hug. you move your head to look at pope and nod at him, encouraging him to join the hug.

“now c’mon. you know how pissy jb gets when he’s made to wait” you giggle.

you lead the boys out of popes room and home and into the twinkie without giving them an option of saying no.

“finally! i thought y’all died or something. what took so long” john b huffs in exasperation.

“my fault jb!” you quickly chirp so the boys don’t have to panic and think of a lie “pope showed me the new book he got and it’s my favourite and i starting gushing and you know me i can’t shut up and… well i forgot why i went up to get them in the first place” you giggle with a sheepish smile.

“you’re so lucky you’re cute, grace” kie laughs teasingly.

you see pope and jj making eye contact. you have a feeling you might need to play therapist for them soon. pope doesn’t know how to talk about his feelings without beating around the bush and well, jjs favourite thing to do is deny deny deny.

actually, that’s exactly what you’re gonna do too! deny you have feelings for pope. deny you have feelings for jj. deny you ever saw them kiss and deny that them kissing only upset you because you weren’t a part of it. deny that a part of you enjoyed it. deny that your feelings matter in this situation and deny that if given the chance, you’d love to be in between a beautiful jj maybank and pope heyward sandwich.

yep, deny deny deny. this is gonna be a long freaking summer.

[tsumskz]

Hiiii I saw your requests were open and I was wondering if it was possible to do a artist hyunjin x reader, but a spicy one, basically they get in a heated Argument because, life has been stressful and hyunjin has been spending so so much time locked away in his room and not paying any attention to reader, so hyunjin storms out, a couple hours pass, reader decided to take a shower, and after coming out of the shower, only wearing a thin white tank top and lace panties.

Hyunjin comes home a couple minutes after and spots reader on the balcony just looking out, and notices what she is wearing, he goes up behind her and they start being all lovey dovey and they talk things out and say sorry, and then BOOM they start making out and have sweet sex on the balcony.

Idk I'm sorry if it's weird you don't have to do it if you don't feel comfortable ofc but it was just an idea I had for a while, thanks for taking the time to read this, have a good day !!!

૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა - artist hyunjin x reader

warnings: smut (hot balcony sex) , slight angst.

— notes: omg just reading this made my jaw drop. this is my first ever request and never been so excited to write something. wanted to give this a more detailed feel and a bit longer but gonna give it my best shot. i hope it lives up to your expectations ! —

4 days..

It's been so long since you last talked to your boyfriend, Hyunjin. Each passing day feels more unfamiliar than the last. You know he has a reputation for immersing himself in his art, locking himself away in his studio for hours on end. It's his way of diving deep into his creative process, only emerging to use the restroom, which isn't very often. At first, it concerned you, but you got used to it because it never lasted longer than a day.

However, as the third day rolled around, panic started to set in. You couldn't shake the feeling that something was off this time. Was he even still in the room? Unable to bear the uncertainty any longer, you finally mustered the courage to approach his studio door. You gave it a couple of gentle knocks, hoping he would hear and come to answer it. But all you were met with was deafening silence. You knocked again, desperation creeping into your voice.

Then, you heard a scoff from the other side of the door, confirming that he was indeed inside and alive. You couldn't help but feel a mix of relief and frustration. Maybe one more knock would do the trick, you thought optimistically. But once again, there was no response. The panic and worry that had consumed you began to transform into a simmering anger. It felt like it was always one thing after another with him.

If he wasn't engrossed in creating a masterpiece, he was tirelessly researching and seeking inspiration for his next project. It seemed impossible to have a normal conversation without art dominating the discussion. It felt like you didn't even have a boyfriend anymore. With a heavy heart, you reluctantly accepted defeat and retreated to your own room, resigning yourself to another lonely night in the bed that was meant to be shared with Hyunjin.

You longed for his touch, yearned to hear him say how much he loved you. You craved the simple pleasures of being a typical couple, going out on dates and making cherished memories together. It was hard to recall the last time you two went on a date, let alone the last time you shared an intimate moment.

These thoughts raced through your mind as you fell into a deep slumber, entering the fourth day of his self-imposed isolation.

—————-

You wake up suddenly, startled by the sound of your bedroom door closing. You catch a glimpse of Hyunjin leaving the room. Without thinking, you rush to the door and see him standing in the doorway of his art studio. Tears start to flow down your face as all the emotions you've been holding in come crashing down. You drop to your knees, overwhelmed by everything that's been building up inside you.

In the midst of the studio's creative chaos, you find Hyunjin, his back turned to you as he adds strokes to a canvas that's as tumultuous as the current state of your relationship.

"Why do you keep doing this, Hyunjin?" Your voice cuts through the silence, a mix of hurt and frustration. "You've been in here for days, and I feel like you're just leaving me to... to just rot out there!"

Hyunjin's hand pauses mid-air, the tension palpable. He turns, a frown etched on his face. "It's not about you," he says with a sigh. "This is my work, my art. It demands my time."

"But what about us?" you counter, the hurt in your voice growing. "Your art might need you, but I need you too. We're supposed to be in this together, but I feel so alone."

He sets his brush down, facing you fully now. "I'm not trying to be selfish, but you knew how important this is to me. Can't you see that I'm doing this for us, for our future?"

“Our future doesn't exist in just your paintings, Hyunjin! It's here, between us, and it's fading away while you're lost in your colors and canvases!" Your words hang heavy in the air, an undeniable truth that even his art can't paint over.

"do you want to end up homeless because without this we will have nothing" His words cut through the air, sharp and unforgiving. "You just sit around, contributing nothing!"

your jaw clenches, disbelief painting your features. How could he be so blind? The house—its cleanliness, the meals that grace the table, the very fabric of your shared life—it's all maintained by your hands. And when he burrows into the depths of his creative fervor, it's you who ensures he doesn't wither away, lost in his canvas-strewn sanctuary. You're the one who remembers life beyond the art, who keeps the world turning while he's lost in his work.

Yet here he stands, accusing you of idleness, oblivious to the love and labor you pour into every corner of your shared existence. The sting of his ignorance is a physical ache in your chest.

“fuck you!" The words erupt from you, a volcanic release of pent-up hurt and frustration, before he turns on his heel, leaving nothing but the echo of the slammed door and a heart fracturing in his wake. The betrayal is a bitter pill, the taste lingering on your tongue. To him, are you truly nothing but a shadow, an accessory to his life of vibrant hues and bold strokes?

The silence of the house wraps around you, a cold embrace as you grapple with the shards of a love you thought unbreakable.

Time seemed to crawl as you grappled with the aftermath of the confrontation. Could it be true that his devotion to art overshadowed the bond you both nurtured? His absence left a void, and questions about his return loomed large in your mind, shrouded in a haze of uncertainty. The complexity of your emotions was overwhelming, and in an effort to find clarity, you sought refuge in the warm embrace of a shower. As the water cascaded over you, it seemed to carry away some of the sorrow, the familiar fragrance of your shampoo evoking memories of Hyunjin—how he cherished its scent, always breathing it in with a tender kiss on your forehead.

Resolved to calm your restless thoughts, you emerged from the shower, selecting a pair of charming lace panties and a simple white tank top from the wardrobe you both shared. A reflective pause in front of the mirror preceded your journey to the kitchen, where you crafted a mug of soothing warm tea. Cradling the comfort in your hands, you stepped out onto the balcony, the view from your apartment unfolding before you. It was there, amidst the tranquility, that recollections of joyous times spent with Hyunjin surfaced, before the tide of your relationship turned so tumultuous.

The love you held for him was profound, yet his seeming indifference left you adrift in a sea of whys. As the hour approached, worry began to knit your brow, the absence of any sign from Hyunjin igniting a concern for his whereabouts.

——————

The faint jingle of keys disrupts the quietude, signaling his return. Uncertainty grips you; should you greet him with open arms or brace yourself for another disappointment? As he steps through the house, the choice is made for you. You remain still, feigning ignorance of his presence, your body bare except for the delicate fabric of your tank top, a stark contrast to the cool balcony tiles.

The door closes with a firm click, and the sound of his footsteps grows louder, a steady drumbeat heralding his approach. Suddenly, his arms are around you, an unexpected embrace that sends a jolt through your body. "I'm sorry, you are infinitely more important than my art," he murmurs, his voice laced with remorse. You can't help but relent a little, his warmth seeping into your chilled skin.

"It wasn't about the art," you manage to say, your voice a mix of sadness and frustration. "It's feeling undervalued, as if my contributions are invisible to you." The words hang heavily between you, a confession of your innermost feelings. A tear threatens to escape, a tangible sign of your emotional toil. "I strive to fill our days with happiness, yet it seems to go unnoticed."

You're enveloped in a silence that's both comforting and tense, the air thick with unspoken words. Then, the soft touch of his lips on your shoulder breaks the stillness, a silent plea for forgiveness, coaxing you to turn and face him.

Enthralled by his magnetic charm, you find yourself lost in the depths of his gaze, eyes shimmering with the remnants of tears shed. A tide of regret engulfs him as he confronts the sorrow etched upon your features, a sorrow he inadvertently sculpted.

"I love you beyond measure. We'll carve out more time just for us," he vows, his voice a tender murmur. His eyes, once a fortress, now betray a vulnerability, a sheen of uncried tears mirroring your own. "You are the essence of my existence, and I hold dear every sacrifice you've made."

In a moment charged with raw emotion, you reach for him, fingers grasping the fabric of his shirt, drawing him into an ardent embrace. Your lips collide, a tempestuous dance that obliterates all distance between you. As passion crescendos, his hands explore the landscape of your back, a silent ode to your shared connection.

The caress of his lips on your skin leaves a trail of warmth, even as the cool night air brushes against you. Each kiss is deliberate, a silent promise of his yearning, and with every brush of his lips, the thrill of being out in the open, on the balcony, heightens your senses. The anticipation builds with each second that passes without his touch, and now that he's here, the hunger in his actions is unmistakable.

His breath against your neck sends another wave of chills, contrasting the heat that's pooling within you. The adrenaline of possibly being seen intertwines with the longing you've harbored during his absence. His touch is insistent, a testament to his own need as he slides the strap of your tank top, baring you to the night and to his gaze.

The sensation of his mouth on your breast, the mixture of his warmth and the cool breeze, is intoxicating. As he lavishes attention on your nipple, his tongue painting slow circles.

“fuck” you can't help but voice your pleasure. His groan vibrates against you, a deep sound of longing that echoes your own feelings.

turning you around, the cityscape becomes your backdrop, and his hands are firm on your hips making sure to hold you up. The slide of your panties is a whisper in the night, and his fingers are deft as they explore, sending jolts of pleasure through you with every movement. It's a dance as old as time, his skill with his hands a familiar path to ecstasy.

The passage of time seems to dissolve as he unzips his pants, the sound cutting through the stillness of the room. With a deft motion, he eases his boxers down just enough to liberate himself from their confines. Positioning himself at your entrance, the mere brush of his tip against you feels like liberation from an age-old yearning. The months of solitude, of only your own touch to satiate your desires, now seem a distant memory.

As he enters you, a chorus of deep moans escapes from both your lips, a testament to the intensity of the connection. "It's so tight," he murmurs, a hint of awe lacing his voice. His concern is palpable; he fears that any premature movement might bring about a swift end to this long-awaited union.

The initial thrust is a mix of eagerness and caution, as if he's navigating uncharted territory. The sensation of being filled, stretched so exquisitely, sends waves of pleasure coursing through you. He follows with another, more urgent thrust, and you can't help but clench around him, a reflexive response to the overwhelming sensation.

“enjoy the view while i’m fucking you," he whispers, his hand drifting to initiate an exquisite dance upon your clit, sending waves of pleasure through your core. Compelled by his command, your eyes flutter open to the celestial canvas above, yet the allure of his gaze draws you back. Craning your neck, you steal a look at him—his focus intense, his movements deliberate—each thrust a promise of restraint, a slap withheld. His eyes lock onto yours, heavy with desire, and you feel the tension spiral within, escalating rapidly until it shatters, leaving you breathless, stifling your cries of ecstasy. He follows suit, his rhythm losing finesse as he succumbs, “baby i’m gonna cum” a fervent declaration escaping him as he collapses, his warmth enveloping you.

in the aftermath, you nudge him gently, a silent plea to seek refuge beneath the cover of your bed, embarrassed by what just took place moments ago. Hyunjin complies, his demeanor not of shame but of quiet triumph. He tucks you in, his lips finding your forehead in a tender reassurance, dispelling any fears of prying eyes. Nestled in his embrace, drowsiness overtakes you, “ i love you” his murmured affection lingering in the air. You acknowledge it with a weary nod, contentment flooding you as you drift into slumber, wrapped in the security of his arms. Forgiveness can wait; for now, this bliss is all that matters.

[saryasy]

tagged by @butchdiaz for a 2024 fic roundup but I'm copying them and adding my edits in there too 🥰 this is the most I've written in a year (and by a huge margin) by virtue of me writing my longest two fics ever back to back. so hopefully next year goes similarly because I already miss writing 😭😭

May:

sounds like forever (5k)

No, he doesn't remember falling. He just remembers looking at his best friend one evening, cooping up a sleeping Christopher into his arms, murmuring ‘I got this’ to a half-asleep Eddie who'd made to carry his own son instead. He'd watched as Buck walked quiet but confident steps to Christopher's room, depositing him in bed with a whispered ‘goodnight’, and thought, in his sleepy haze, I love him.

my very first buddie fic!! wrote it a few days after finishing the show for the first time. was still finding the characters voices but it'll always be special to me

August:

Season of Hope (After the Flood) (58k)

Eddie's summer of missing his son, unrepressing more than just his sexuality, and realizing that somewhere along the way he's fallen in love with his best friend and forgot to fall out of it.

And maybe that's okay.

I genuinely still can't believe this fic exists. and the fact that it does is all thanks to @livingincolorsagain. my longest fic ever yet I wrote it relatively quickly. and I still think back on the writing process fondly. getting to figure out where the story's headed. the chapter titles. all the lovely feedback. it was such a lovely journey even the parts where it fought me lol

September:

slow motion, double vision in rose blush (20k)

Eddie has kissed a man.

Eddie Diaz. His friend. His Eddie. Has kissed a man.

Which is strange because Buck is sure as hell he'd remember kissing Eddie. OR Buck is very normal about his platonic friend's kissing habits.

this one was literally a haze. I had an idea for them watching their first kiss through the screen and absolutely ran with it. I think that one scene in there is 12k on its own which is kinda insane. also only realized after posting that's it's my first published E rated fic

November:

merry christmas please don't call

MY VERY FIRST EDIT. my baby. I'd been thinking about getting into editing for a bit back then. but was way too intimidated to take the first step. then I heard this song on tiktok and was possessed by the ghost of shannon. and here we are

my heart is buried in venice

I still don't know how I made this one in such a short period of time. but also not complaining. loved putting the opening montage together so much

futile devices

I do. love you. yeah

December:

drawn to the blood

okay this is the first idea for an edit I ever had! idk how close I got to what I had in mind. plus it gave me hell. but it's out there now so!

What do you do about a haunted house.. (600)

a little tumblr ficlet I wrote half asleep because I was so happy I finally felt like writing again I couldn't let it slip through my fingers and risk forgetting it in the morning

so you are tired

my last edit of the year!!!! wasn't gonna post it but a told me to lol. initially it was more buddie focused. but the song is so buck I had to make some adjustments. absolutely loved cutting the song as I please lol

not to get too sappy at the end here but getting into this fandom and getting back into creating and getting to create new things and making new friends has been so so fun. thank you so much to everyone who's read and watched and said a nice thing in the tags and comments 💕💕💕💕💕

no pressure tagging @livingincolorsagain @sibylsleaves @buick118 @userbuddie @confessionseddie @chronicowboy

[n7punk]

Hey. I don't know if this will help to hear at all (but to be fair nothing will ever help with this situation), but I just wanted to say my mom's dying at the moment and it's been really humanising seeing you let yourself grieve in ways that work for you, like writing or taking time off etc when you need it. I'm finding it too hard to create most of the time but then when I can make stuff I feel guilty for it. I suppose I just wanted to say thank you for reminding me it's okay to grieve without hating myself for it. It really means a lot. Wishing you the best, man. This stuff is so awful and isolating but I see you at least. Take care of yourself.

I don't know your mom but I know mine would want me to feel happiness and so like, even though I felt just straight up hollow for a while and still don't feel normal by any means, I'm finding things that help and one of those is writing (which is good, because those first two weeks I felt like I wouldn't be creative again for a Long Time). I've also journaled a little (first time doing non-creative writing really) and that helps with the thoughts that come over and over, like I can write them down and that makes them a little less incessant.

IDK what would have happened if I didn't have all those FF February fics built up that just needed editing, but that kept me kind of in the groove, and writing has always been something that helped me - see my insane streak on OLIG when she was first diagnosed - to keep my mind Too Busy and right now busy is good, it keeps those incessant thoughts out lol. I wouldn't say I'm having the most fun I've ever had writing, but working on my new AU is the most fun of my day right now, and having anything that can classify as "fun" after how totally hollow I felt at first is good. Like I'm still going to cry randomly for a long time, but there's something else in there too and that helps me process. She was always really supportive of my writing and would tell me I deserve to be published so I know she would want me to keep it up.

The mood stabilizers definitely help too lol. She was always a person who didn't like "wallowing" so it's easy for me to know she would approve of my stupid space lesbians over crying

[stomach-bugg09]

soo i kinda had an idea for fali if you’re open to it if not it’s okay too 😋 ofc fali and sully!reader where it’s after he was shot (😔😔) possibly him having to do small exercise’s/physical therapy type thing daily so this is obv a little while after he got hurt anyway he hates doing them and is kinda keeping to himself with it or is getting frustrated that he’s struggling with them and reader comforts/helps?? idk if any of what i js said made sense but i hope so 😭 anyway thank you!!

summary: recovery is a grueling and arduous process for everyone, but especially for fali. he can't see past the warrior he used to be versus the one he is now, post-injury. he won't let anyone in... well, except for [y/n].

fali (oc) x sully!reader

a/n: this is kind of insane to think i'm writing this right now, but also i forgot how fun it is to create and publish works. anyway, i know it took me a long time to carry out my promises, but here is a long-awaited little blurb (?) about our beloved fali and [y/n], two names that i haven't written down in about like... two-ish years, give or take? a bit less, but the point still stands. i hope you guys enjoy! and i pray that i live up to your expectations.

lean on me, when you're not strong

[y/n] was always observant. as the eldest of five, never mind being the eldest girl, she'd felt the need to read everyone's facial expressions, their emotions, their expectations, their needs, their wants, their desires. it was just as much a survival tactic as it was an instinct. when things tended to change so abruptly in her childhood, whether that be one of her siblings crying (and lead to her mother nearly having a meltdown herself) or the arrival of the sky-people, she was always there to expect and, in its stead, to soothe.

but, some of that instinct fell away when she began training with her father. she was no longer expected to be the caretaker in an emotion sense, but rather a protector. her observant nature proved her worthy as she had the advantage of throwing her opponent off with a simple comment (like the time she took a chance and teased a childhood friend of her crush on neteyam before pinning her all because she was distracted) or merely reading their next move.

however, interestingly enough, with her time spent living with the metkayina, and fali obviously, [y/n] had started to evolve into her older self. no longer in fear of the sky-people since they managed to defeat them, [y/n] has once again returned to her caregiving nature.

although, perhaps a lot of that is because of fali.

while [y/n] had come out of the womb strong yet soft, in some ways, fali had come out as a true warrior. screaming bloody murder, naturally. but, while his infancy was a loud few years (he really had no trouble figuring out the functions of his vocal chords), it was also an exciting few years.

he'd always bounced around, itching to learn the ways of warriors from his parents. fali was naturally proud--of his heritage, of his family, of his people. in an entirely different way, fali too had the natural urge to protect.

but, that's why it'd been so difficult for him to recover. not physically, because eywa knows how seriously he took every assignment, every exercise, every appointment because he knew that was the only way to return to the past, but... emotionally, it was a taxing time.

fali had always been the one to protect his family. even though his parents were respected warriors, they were old. they'd managed to have fali late in their years, and they often called him a miracle from eywa herself.

not only did he concern himself over his parents, but he also practically adopted aonung and tsireya as his baby siblings. he'd protected them all through their years growing up, although he did treat them as a normal older brother at times. if he remembered correctly, fali was the first one who aonung ever got into a physical tussle with. that being said, fali was also the first one to give aonung a black eye.

but now, after taking a wound so dangerous that it was nearly fatal, fali was left... as the weakest link. now, his parents had to take care of him. now, tsireya and aonung could barely look at him without guilt or pity clouding their eyes. now, he was... he was useless.

and worst of all, he needed help.

of course, fali never really asked for help. for the first few weeks of recovery, he would struggle on his own, cry on his own, yell at the sky on his own. it was such an alien feeling to hate himself as much as he did. somehow hate that he'd survived the wound.

he never told that to anyone, of course, but he didn't really need to because someone was always watching him.

[y/n] had let him be for those first weeks. she knew what he was feeling--not totally, but she recognized his independence and protective nature. that's honestly why they'd been so drawn to each other in the first place. but, just because she left him alone didn't mean she wasn't paying attention.

her fingers curled into fists at her sides. her feet itched to move, to run to him, to hold him together when he was breaking apart. but she forced herself to stay still. she fought the urge every time she saw him break down into a puddle of tears, every time he gave up and threw his cane in the sand, every time he unleashed a rage she recognized too deeply. she would not step in unless he needed her, that's what she kept telling herself.

that is, until one morning, when the sun is just peeking above the horizon and the ocean is already awake with creatures jumping, dancing, singing, and celebrating the beauty of pandora, [y/n] woke up with a jolt.

she had no idea why--she usually slept quite soundly until the first horn was blown, but there was something stirring in her blood. something she didn't fully recognize, but she felt that same familiar adrenaline pumping, that same familiar sixth sense that whispered to her, get up. you're needed.

at first, she was confused, although frantic because all the worst possibilities popped into her head. tuk? she wondered before her eyes scanned the floor of their marui only to find her fast asleep in their mother's arms. next to them was her father, still unconscious and snoring quite loudly. the rest of her siblings were fine too, she realized quickly.

so then, what was it?

that's when she finally walked outside, standing on the docks and scanning the horizon with squinted eyes.

oh, she breathed, fingers softly brushing her mouth at the sight that beheld her on the beach. "oh, fali," she whispered, shaking her head.

it wasn't an unordinary sight, her love crouched on the ground, cane resting in the sand as his shoulders shook from silent sobs. but, something about that morning, his depressing sight juxtaposed by the bright sunrise behind him... it made [y/n]'s heart drop into her stomach.

as she walked carefully from her marui to the beach in which fali awaited her, although unbeknownst to him, her mind shuffled through a thousand different things to say. questions to ask, answers to demand, comforting words to whisper. should she rub his back? kiss him? how would she like to be treated? she thought she'd want to be left alone, but maybe... maybe that wasn't right.

unfortunately for her, her thoughts must've grown too loud because she hadn't realized how noticeable her footsteps must've been. just as she was nearing fali, the boy froze and turned around to look at her.

as her eyes met his, her heart stopped. he looked.... well, he looked awful. not because of the puffy skin atop his cheek bones, or pale skin, or even the pained grimace on his face... it was something about his eyes. they didn't sparkle, not like they usually did, they were... dull. they were hurt. they weren't fali.

and that's when [y/n] realized it really didn't matter how much planning she did on the walk here because, when it really comes down to it, when it comes to the person she loved the most, the words were natural. they came to her like waves did to the shore.

"oh, my tìyawn," she whispered, voice soft against the song of the birds that flew above their heads. "i'm so sorry."

there was something about those simple words--just three simple words--that made something within fali click. for as long as he'd been recovering, everyone had tried to stay strong for him, tried to encourage him, to motivate him. never once had someone... empathized with him. not until then, that is.

fali's breath hitched. his shoulders trembled, as if he were trying to hold himself together, but the dam was cracking. and when [y/n] sat beside him, warmth against his cold solitude, the first tear finally fell.

"fali," she whispered, setting a hand on his, and she watched as his lip trembled, "fali, i am sorry that this has happened to you. i'm sorry it had been so hard adjusting, i'm sorry everything feels so different. it is so hard to be in this situation, and i realize... i realize i abandoned you. i thought it was the right thing to do, i thought you needed space, but really... you needed someone."

she grabbed his hand, softly, lifting it up to her lips and pressing a soft kiss. "you will get through this, fali. you will grow stronger—not just in body, but in spirit. learning to adapt isn’t weakness. it’s wisdom. and you won’t do it alone. i’ll be with you, every step."

fali exhaled shakily, as if the weight of the world had settled deep in his chest and was only now beginning to lift. he didn’t speak. he didn’t need to.

instead, his fingers curled around [y/n]’s, gripping her hand as if she were the only thing keeping him tethered. and maybe, in that moment, she was.

[y/n] squeezed back, saying nothing. just being there. just being his.

[carlos-in-glasses]

I'm having some thoughts and feelings, for reasons.

The feelings are that I'm so grateful for this beautiful fandom and the beautiful couple in the picture above. The thoughts are beneath the read more and can be taken or left. The picture cannot be left, however. Taken is the only option. You need to see it because look how cute they are!

For prosperity:

Something I always 'explore', if you will, in my own writing is how people process the concept of time. Endings, beginnings, the past and the future linking up. Your past self always being with you like a spectre. The present feeling like a marble rolling around a tube... I think this is because I'm not good with change or saying goodbye, but I do know that endings always lead to something else. Which is scary, because you don't necessarily know what that will bring.

Thinking about all of the above in terms of Lone Star is a different beast for me personally, because I've never had this kind of experience with a show or characters before, where I'm so compelled by it that I found my way into the fandom and have been creatively stimulated to the point of writing 25+ fics for it (which isn't nearly as many as others have produced! But to me it feels significant). So for that reason I want to say: When the show ends -(WHENEVER THAT MAY BE) - the characters don't. They don't end, not really. As long as we choose to keep talking about the themes, sharing meta posts, writing them or drawing them or creating gif sets, and revisiting them in rewatches or YouTube clips - there they are. Always. Either suspended in their moment and so easy to revisit in all their glory, or put in new situations in fic and art even years into the future. If this hiatus has taught us anything, it's that even without the show on air, there are still plenty of stories to tell and interpretations to be had, based on what came before. When the show ends, the thing that will unfortunately go is the speculation aspect, but what we have instead is a beautiful completed work that can inspire and be meaningful forever to those who already love it and for those who will find it in the future - and it will be found. Anything that exists can be found. (See: deep sea fish that glow in the dark (!)). And things that don't exist can be imagined.

We're so lucky to be the ones in the know when it comes to the show and to Tarlos. We know how special it is, what a gift it is. I'm not a spiritual person but I do feel oddly spiritual when it comes to this. Idk.

Something I've always hoped (as I'm sure we all have) is that we would know ahead of time that it's over. The show not being renewed between seasons is a thought that horrifies me to my core. I remember thinking towards the end of season 4: "At least if it doesn't get renewed, it ends with Tarlos being canon-married." Which, as a Tarlos super-fan, was my no.1. concern, but I love and care about the other characters too of course.

Going into season 5 and fearing it could be the last season, I had a huge tummy ache wondering if Tarlos would be on the rocks. If they ended on a cliffhanger having assumed season 6 was on the cards, we'd never get a resolution. But Rafa's Cameos have really eased my mind in that regard. Based not only on the tiny amount he's given away, but the way he talks about them loving each other, it sounds like they're going to be okay - and we're going to see it for ourselves that Tarlos really is endgame. In a time when hope is needed, we do have this. AND we have each other! As long as Tarlos ends happy, I for one intend to keep dancing, even if it means I'm the eccentric up on the table on my own doing the robot. But I would always like others to dance with.

Whatever happens, which we don't officially know yet, we can get through it together.

[adolins-heart]

NO ONE TELL ME IF IM RIGHT I WANNA FINISH THE BOOK FIRST.

I have a Wind and Truth theory that is either totally fcking insane or right on the mark and idk if I'm just trying to ignore the possibility that any of my faves could die

SO. Szeth has been set up to be a new Herald and be of the Oathpact in one way or another. And Shallan was the child that Chana hoped had inherited the oathpact and take the struggle from her. So. What if. Instead of defeating Odium now, they merely succeed in binding him for long term again by creating a New Oathpact, of our various newly healed and open minded heroes.

The entire book has been subverting expectations of these characters, Kaladin is learning to allow himself to be Okay, he's recognizing he can help people without losing himself to it. Shallan is learning a similar lesson, but also learning to trust herself and process her experiences and traumas. Dalinar is being confronted with the fact that changing doesn't make up for all he's done, that even though his intentions are better now, he's doing the same things he always has. Navani is learning to question all she's known about history and science, to question the way she's always done things with fabrials and trying to do better. Adolin feels that he is obsolete in the current world, while time and again doing things that are vital to the continued resistance of Odium. He's also the first proof that deadeye Spren can heal and learn, and he cares so deeply about everything. Renarin is learning how to be strong and look out for himself, but also that it's okay to hold people close, it's okay to say what you're thinking and find a way to communicate with people who assume they understand you. Rlain is learning the true history of his people, learning that peace doesn't mean one side defeating the other, as much as he understands the need for retribution for his people. Venli is learning what she wants to do, learning to care and set aside the easy route in favor of what is RIGHT. Szeth has been learning that no matter the horror he has wrought, of his own accord or others, that there are no black and white answers, and that it's okay to want to heal and be better and set death aside. Jasnah has just had all of her failings in her own personal moral code laid bare before her.

I think a new Oathpact formed of this group, human and listener, could be a really fascinating option. I think it would result in a LOT of the people they know passing on while they can't save them, but I feel like that's already happening as it is?

Idk it may not go this way at all but I think it's still a fascinating direction to consider

[mari-lair]

the recent chapter was decent, but when I realised akane wasn't the yoshiro after convincing myself he was for a month i had to close the tab stare at the ground and like. process for a few seconds. how i wish he had been... i did enjoy mirai trying to save his life though, and teru recognising that they hadn't been going to their full strength because maybe they didn't care about the yoshiro, because as you said, they had been presented at a higher level and we didn't see that in chapter 109

I always had doubts about him being the Yorishiro, with Akane having 2 bodies and the supernatural one already being stabbed in the chest before, so even that reveal was more of a "oh, okay. Makes sense" feeling.

It's... kind of sad... my experience with this chapter. With this arc.

The only thing I like is Mirai saving Akane, and how rich with character quirks, values, and experiences, Akane's fight with Tsukasa is, it goes beyond just his judo skills (and Elise will talk about it when she has the time) But I'll be honest, I have no hope for this arc, no wish to think about it and theorize it or anything.

I am here for terukaneaoi and the way Aoi hasn't shown up even as a small panel since the clock was frozen is... very telling... Akane's 'betrayal' with Teru also saddens me, for the more I look at it, the more clear it becomes that it is a tool, not a conflict they planned as a means to clash ideals, learn more about each other, or strengthen/restructure bonds (like Aoikane in chap 69 or Kou and Teru in chap 87). When Aidairo does want to create character conflict, they are amazing at it! Which makes Akane and teru feel... that much weirder.

I never expected Teru to jump and try to help Akane, he is handcuffed and without his sword, but I did expect him to have some kind of thought about the situation while he watched Akane be beaten up in front of him.

We get no reaction panel about what he thought of the fight. At all. Akane isn't in immediate danger when we do see his thoughts but it still feels... Strange to frame chapter 108 in a way that highlights how much Akane's betrayal affects Teru on a personal level, to make chap 109's gag revolve around Teru being THAT angry with Akane and then... Make Teru not spare Akane a single thought.

Teru even takes into consideration Nene's lifespan, but absolutely nothing about Akane. No cursing him. No "oh he did almost die like I wished for, idk how to feel a bout that". No "it feels strange to not be able to do anything, just watch". No, "I guess he is a clock keeper not the boy i thought I knew". No "i'm glad he is not dead". Not even "he should have died", as cruel as it sounds, it would still make way more sense than just... Nothing.

He doesn't even refer to Akane by name.

Teru is someone who has taken things personally since his very introduction, unused to change and prioritizing his relationships over his duties (not exorcising Hanako so Kou doesn't get mad at him. Putting the intire school at risk cause Tiara wanted him to clean up a mokke in chap 39. Letting Akane punch him in chap 71, etc-)

He is pathetic and unexperienced when he takes things personally, he wants to be reliable and admired, he doesn't know how to handle not getting what he wants (especially with Akane, who always obeys). Even when he tries to be detached his pathetic nature still show up. It had been consistent.

But the guy that locked himself in his bedroom and hid under the covers for a whole day after his fight with Kou seemingly got over Akane betraying him in what must have been 1 hour without talking about it ? I know Akane is not as important to Teru as his family but it's insane that he got over it without even thinking about it or being able to move in any way to let his frustrations out.

The worst part is that even when I suspend my disbelief and go along with the idea that Teru "isn't taking things personally anymore and is in professional mode cause the situation is dire!" it still makes no sense.

Akane's betrayal should have filled his head with questions about the situation, about what changed, but Teru never even tried to connect his vague talk with Akane with the clock keepers seemingly being nerfed.

Why 'now?' feels like an important question. One that should stick, but Teru ignores it.

Which again. Goes agaisnt what is established of his opinion of Akane.

Why would he neglect the words of a colleague he considers wise? Of someone he is treating as fully part of the clock keepers now? Someone he always wanted to hear his opinions before even in his 'professional and smart' mode? Someone whose opinions we have been told he doesn't dismiss even when what Akane says clashes with his upbringing as an exorcist? I am just supposed to assume he is treating Akane as any other supernatural now? Is the betrayal an insta 'everything that has been established no longer applies' free card...?

So yeah, sure... This is a big improvement from chapter 109 but it has the same core problem as chapter 109, at least to me: Aidairo has no interest in exploring Teru as a character in this arc. Aidairo wants the spotlight fully on the broadcasting club, and they will tweak his character whenever it's convenient to set the stage. Just like Nene had turned into a kid with minimal agency, Teru has become a presence that doesn't ask questions, unless said questions will move the plot.

Feelings will also be reduced to what moves the plot, we don't need to know how he feels about being in a position with no power, no sword, and minimal knowledge for the first time in this manga. There is so much they can explore completely disconnected from Akane, despite putting a spotlight on their relationship in chap 108, but there is nothing for Teru's character.

Even when Tsukasa points at Nene, whom he isn't angry at, he has no reaction. He does not care about this guy targeting the little baby girl after witnessing Akane be dragged on the floor.

Of course he doesn't. This isn't about him, is a Hanako set up, Teru can't have even a panel of spotlight on him that is about his character, can't bring attention to his fall out with Akane, less the reader get any expectative from it, or take space in a manga that currently isn't about him.

Teru is a tool first, and a character second in this arc. Chapter 109 stuck him in a dumb gag box. Chapter 110 stuck him in a smart guy exposition box. His personality is picked apart when it is convenient not when it makes sense for a character that has been molded for 100 chapters.

I don't care about this plot. I care about my favorite characters, and how they would react to the circumstances the plot been put on. That's my priority. It isn't Aidairo's. Even if Teru does have a relevant role later, it's still clear that exploring his character isn't Aidairo's priority in this arc.

I told chapter 109 to make me care about the arc, and chapter 110 is way better but not enough to make me care. Which is very sad, I wish it did :(

...This was already a depressing enough answer as it is, I don't want to talk about it.

[coconox]

my 2 cents on the state of whb

i've been contemplating about my thoughts on this game since i never really sat down and processed it, and a month of not playing the game and just keeping up with fandom content/official game news i think i can properly format my words (hopefully idk lol)

if you're looking for a specific section dw i'll properly format everything under the cut so you can just scroll till you find whatever you're looking for (also head's up it's insanely long i'm sorry but kinda not sorry i wanted to just put all my thoughts into one post rather than multiple)

SMALL INTRO

for some context on my experience, i have been playing this game everyday since launch/day 1, i was f2p up until i got juno's card, which i'll talk about later, but just know in advanced that juno was the only case where i've spent money. i uninstalled around the time the announcement was made in regards to no posting full stories of paid content, so almost month ago, and only reinstalled recently to grab certain items to add to the spreadsheet that i've been maintaining since november (aka a month after launch)

i've said it privately to a couple of close friends but i'll say it publicly here: imho, i think they released the game way too early even with the fact that they delayed launch 3 times.

i understand a handleful of bugs are from the fact that the public servers are significantly larger than test servers, but playing this game after the servers kinda stabilized feels like we are the test players, like we're constantly given rough drafts rather than the final copy.

the localization is rough to say the least, but i think i've been so used to it from other gachas that i've played that it didn't really ruin the experience for me,,, except when the text would switch to an entirely different language HJGFDHJGK

from visual bugs to gameplay bugs to voiceline bugs, there's been a lack of communication in terms of what has been fixed and what is still a wip. instead the players just have to "fuck around and find out" in terms of whether something has been fixed or not.

as i continue to state the issues with this game and its direction i'd like to put a disclaimer that i am by no means an expert in any of this stuff lol. i'm just a guy who nerds out over math, spreadsheets, and video games and everything i'll be saying is my personal opinion based on what i've seen/experienced.

THE ISSUE(S)

SOLOMON SEALS AND GACHA

i think the first mistake was them adding solomon seals in the first place. based on what packs in the past looked like, it looked like red keys were originally designed to be for debut characters, but instead they throw a curve ball and add ANOTHER gacha currency that was essentially p2w only up till some point early this year. this ultimately led to there being 2 standard banners, both of which essentially do the same thing except one doesn't have A/B/C-ranks. the fact that now even with realm of seraphim, in order for f2ps to have enough to guarantee with seals, they need to save for a year and a half. that is WAY too long for ONE character. this is of course worst case scenario of needing to hit pity, i'm aware you can get characters early but you should never always expect you'll get early in gacha games, i learned that the hard way during my idk how many years i've been playing gachas lol

i personally think that there's no winning across any of the gacha banners. there's no pity for either of the standards, and debut L/S-ranks have imo too high of a pity for what we're actually receiving per week. we essentially get more or less 1 pull per week in terms of red keys, yellow keys, and seals through dailies/weeklies alone, though of course that can vary cause of the rng key boxes, monthly login rewards, etc.

PANCAKES

there seems to be a general pattern that i've noticed of rather than confronting an issue directly they try to create something new in hoping that fixes the issue instead. an example of that would be the pancake shop.

the old pancake shop was fine as is, we could get a multi for relatively cheap price and get pie boxes everyday (albeit they're rng but pies are pies). what they could've done was add the L-ranks and skip tickets or whatever new thing they wanted to add into that old shop, adjusting the currency wherever necessary. yet instead they just remove the old system entirely and replace it for a new one that no one really asked for? while having the L-ranks in shop are nice, an entirely new system wasn't necessary to make that one relatively small addition. having A+-ranks and lower give gold and books was also not necessary, we have resource stages containing those 2 things and it's very accessible to everyone. what resources we are lacking in however are tears and pies, which are arguably more important than gold and books since those 2 currencies are the core to ascending/lvling characters and their skills.

PIES

i've emailed pb in the past in regards to if there will be other permanent methods for obtaining pies, and their response was holy coin portal and events. those two are NOT stable enough for pie income considering the prices of skills. if there's instances in unholy board where we need to level a character's skills, i'd expect there to be some sort of resource stage that would allow us to get pies so that we can easily obtain that skill level requirement.

"META" GAMEPLAY

i'll explain the quotes in a bit but i do want to put a disclaimer that whb was the first time i've experienced a full on tower defense style gameplay for gachas. i was already familiar with how it works kinda because of neural cloud even though the game as a whole is more like an auto-chess game of sorts, but some story gameplay had tower defense mechanisms and i learned a fair bit from playing that. personally i also haven't played arknights since i'm trying to cut down on the amount of gachas i play but i am aware of its playstyle through friends who like to attempt to drag me into playing it cause of certain characters that i might simp over (*cough flamebringer cough insider cough chongyue cough*)

disclaimer aside, trying to piece together what characters work and what don't genuinely hurts my brain. i put "meta" in quotes because realistically there's only 1: all L-rank light types, ideally at least 1 tank, maybe 1 healer (though a tank can act as both), rest be whatever dps you'd like really (preferably satan considering the fact he can be extremely reliable without his ultimate unlike a few characters). of course, everyone will have a different opinion on what they deem as meta, but that's the general idea i'd personally follow based on what kind of battles have been given to us, what characters are available, etc. the rest tbh are just "cope and seethe" for lack of a better term.

there's a huge type advantage with light and dark types, and i really wish they could buff the other elements more just show they have some spotlight too. i also wish there were more non-light L-ranks. as of making this post, out of the 23 L-rank characters there is currently only 1 non-light L-rank, and it's juno, an L-rank fire marksman.

the part that really "hurts" me the most (don't really know what other word to put here LOL) is the fact that this game is going in a very specific direction of just dps'ing through everything and hope you clear the stage before the enemies kill you.

this game has a huge and imbalanced ratio between dps characters and support characters regardless of element. the fact that we only have 5 healers (NOT including lucifer (victory) considering he's technically a marksman and the healing is from his artifact and not in his skills) and 8 tanks, whereas marksman and close-rangers have twice or thrice the amount is absurd. what pains me more is the fact that for tanks, if you don't have mammon, you're screwed. arguably the best non-mammon option players have that's accessible is bimet. valefor and eligos share the same kit with the fact that their downfall is the possibility that they could be instakilled the second they pop their ult. healers on the other hand are somewhat more lenient. if you don't have lucifer, marbas is your next best, then gamigin (marbas and gamigin can technically be placed interchangeably since their healing differs by 0.1%, it just depends on who you have), then morax, then maybe buer but he only heals 1 unit at a time rather than multiple but i digress. healers still have multiple and very reliable non-L-rank alternatives whilst tanks really only have 1. i really, really hope there's more support units in the future cause man this sucks.

NIGHTMARE PASS

spending $50-$70, on paper, is significantly better than spending ~$400 for a character, and that's really the only "good" thing about it 💀

$50-$70 may feel like nothing to some players, but to a majority, that is a portion of a cost towards food, groceries, rent, etc. basically, i'd assume a majority of people would prioritize surviving than watching pixels on a screen.

i understand at the end of the day pb is running a business, but for kings to be fully locked behind a paywall knowing for a fact that a majority of the player base are 1. casuals/f2ps and 2. are here for the kings is absurd. plus with the fact that typically nightmare pass characters aren't added to standard and aren't always 100% guaranteed to rerun in the future just puts the nail in the coffin for me.

i think it makes more sense for non-kings like juno to be in nightmare pass because it's just additional fun and silly content that arguably won't be tied to the main lore and whatnot, maybe referenced as a silly bit here or there but it'd be more of an easter egg than something important that you absolutely need to know.

personally i bought juno's pass because i love his design, kit, and voice. story was kinda meh for me personally but i really just cared more about the va and gameplay. gameplay-wise, he certainly does not disappoint as a gehenna support unit. but do i regret purchasing him? yes and no. oddly enough this was probably the first i've ever felt guilty in terms of buying something i wanted in a gacha game. yes i regret it in terms of i'm no longer really playing this game anymore, which is unfortunate considering i barely made it through half a year of this game's release. yet at the same time, no i don't regret it because he is a really fun unit. for example, when it's gabriel's rotation in realm of seraphim, juno's, leraye (nostalgia)'s, and leraye's ultimates absolutely DESTROY gabriel in a matter of like <10 or so seconds and it's so satisfying to see. i also just really like his va, scratches a very particular itch in my brain.

anyways before i get sidetracked over appreciating juno, the fundamental flaws of nightmare pass are essentially

you shouldn't need to buy both tiers to get the character. you should realistically need to buy the highest tier and by default it unlocks all previous tiers below it

ui is a bit confusing. i still don't get why f2ps have to unlock parts of nightmare pass that they can't even access/obtain. there should be a clear separation between what f2ps get, what advanced tier gets, and what premium tier gets.

it's too expensive. most bp's i know are ~$10 at the highest tier, though that's considering the fact that bp's i'm familiar with only give cosmetics rather than actual units

from what i've heard through the grapevine, beel (bath) is basically in the same formatting as all the other currently existing bath cards, which are all currently obtainable through gacha. beel has no reason to be in nightmare pass. it genuinely makes no sense as to why pb put him there aside from getting money and that in-turn alienates a majority of the fan base since we can't even view the prologue of card stories if they're a nightmare pass character.

when nightmare pass was first released during christmas, everything was in chaos. the fact that a nightmare pass character needed the other two limited gacha characters gameplay-wise is absurd (mind you, this was before we were given the chance to earn seals through weeklies). everything was too expensive, and rather than an enjoyable christmas event it felt like a "merry christmas, now give us money" kind of situation. i think nightmare pass should not be happening as frequent as it is now. the gap between gabriel and juno was perfectly fine (4 month gap btw), but for a nightmare pass to happen back to back on top of gacha events is too much for both f2ps and p2ws.

the point of buying packs, bp, anything that costs real money in a gacha game is so it makes your gameplay experience easier, paying shouldn't be the main component of your game. personally based on what i've experienced through playing gacha games you should theoretically be able to pull for almost every character on debut just by playing dailies/weeklies/events, yet here we get a bit over a multi per patch (this includes playing realm of seraphim).

DICTATING FANDOM INTERACTIONS

i wholeheartedly believe a fandom is what keeps a game alive. a hindrance to the fan base is a hindrance to the game, which can be seen with the aftermath of pb announcing that legal action will be taken if full stories of paid content are shared publicly. while i understand from a business standpoint that pb would want to enforce the "no sharing full story" thing for paid content since they want players to yk, buy the card, like i mentioned in the previous section, the majority of the player base just cannot afford it.

the people who posted full stories wanted to share to those who cannot afford it, some people may not want only tidbits of the story but rather the whole context, especially those who enjoy dissecting character lore but don't have the irl funds to fully experience it themselves. some people may even want to archive it, cause honestly no one knows how long this game will stay up and we want to archive story so that it's something we can easily look back on. to essentially make players borderline terrified on trying to figure out whether or not it's ok to publicly post stuff in relation to any sort of story content is absurd.

there is also that loophole of what is defined as a paid story. when events end and get put behind a paywall, does that now count as paid story or is that still ok? what about debut L-ranks that are behind seals and there's a 3 month downtime till they're added to standard? or is it just referring to nightmare pass characters? paid stories in the context of the state of the game right now is insanely broad, it's practically at least 50% of this game (i'm exaggerating (or maybe not i wouldn't be surprised if that was actually the case)).

i understand no datamining, while it technically speaking isn't illegal, it's disrespectful to the devs, but a lot of these call to action methods they're announcing are rather extreme imo.

with the most recent cards either being put to standard 3 months after their banner ends or flat out paywalled and not 100% guaranteed to have a rerun, story content as of late has been very sparse. what people want most is a main story update, which we were originally promised to be updated every 3 months and it is now month 6 and we still have nothing.

EVENTS AND EVENT STORIES

event stories being locked behind a paywall after the event ends is probably the first time i've ever seen a gacha game do this. most of the gachas i've played either don't archive event story at all and just rerun it every year, don't rerun or archive the event at all (i.e. if you miss it, cope and seethe), or they archive it for FREE. it feels insanely greedy how EVERY event story needs payment if you ever want to backread an old event.

what also concerns me is the fact like instances like gamigin's event or beleth's event carry so much lore for their respective region and that may never show up in main story, which then screws new players over in not knowing the full context behind every region. events like minhyeok's or bimet's are fine in the sense that it doesn't carry that much lore in comparison to the more recent events. the first few events were like silly banter and getting to know a bit more about the cast.

also changing the event shop from daily pies to a set limit per account was an awful choice it just emphasizes my point earlier of how unstable obtaining pies are in this game.

FULFILLING PROMISES

i think while it was a smart move to list what's gonna be implemented throughout the year, they shouldn't have stated deadlines on when they're doing so.

the following are the things that still aren't implemented yet as of making this post:

new daily chats (expected within february)

friends system (expected within march)

birthday system (more specifically celebrating your bday) (expected within april)

new main story chapter (new chapter expected every 3 months)

if pb were to just say "here's what to expect in 2024" and NOT give specific months, that's fine, but giving these specific months sets an expectation that they would complete it within that timeframe. main story for example is probably the one people have been anticipating the most. by now as of july, if we were to follow the expectation pb gave us, we would currently be on chapter 7, or at the very least chapter 7 would've been released some time this month. we have not even gotten chapter 6 yet. chapter 5 was released in january. it has been 6 months since the last main story update. failing to meet these timeframes will make people upset, because it was mentioned in the announcement that it's 1. a promise (i hope i'm not the only one that takes promises seriously) and 2. in bold yellow text, "what we can realistically expect to see in 2024." the only promises that were fulfilled on-time were the ones in january, the rest have been delayed by at least a month. if you're giving a timeline of what's happening, announce if there's any changes to that timeline, because not doing so will make players believe you were lying to them even though you probably aren't and are instead just falling behind schedule.

i think what hurts more to me is the fact that they aren't publicly communicating these delays. it shouldn't be our responsibility to find out why or when something isn't happening within the timeframe they promised (e.g. by emailing them), it should be up to the devs to communicate that publicly to us. i'm not saying they should overshare what's going on behind the scenes, it can simply just be a simple announcement of "hey, we're very sorry but we're having some technical difficulties with this certain feature and we need more time. here is some compensation in the meantime, thank you for your patience and again, we're very sorry." it's that simple.

FINAL THOUGHTS

i mentioned back in my intro that i feel like this game was released too early purely because the fundamentals of making a bare minimum decent gacha game are just not there. if every patch update has people complaining on what's just recently been added/removed, you're not fully listening to what the audience wants. while i understand pb is a small business, a business is still a business regardless of size and criticism/feedback is necessary especially in a game dev setting.

i've followed this game's news ever since it was teased, which was december of 2022, i've lurked/participated in the fandom (on here at least) ever since september of 2023. i've felt a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions of "omg this is so great" to "why is this even a feature," hoping that over time the game would get better, but the only thing that's improved was server stability (and even that's still a bit rocky 💀).

a huge part of my stay was just being a lurker in the fandom. i genuinely appreciate all the creatives who fulfill asked prompts of characters, make ocs, fanart, write theories, reactions + many more. i love seeing other people's works/opinions and having just a lively fandom made it all more fun.

but at this point this game is just not for me. i've really only stuck around to read mammon's lore but since main story hasn't been updated in 6 months i'll really only chime back in when there's finally an update. it still amazes me to this day that my patience lasted this long. i think i've covered everything i wanted to cover but my memory is swiss cheese so if i forgot something,,, woops 💀

as for the future of the spreadsheet for those who check back on it, it's still being managed by myself and windy, who has been a huge help since day 1 of creating the build lists and team comps and i honestly can't thank her enough for also enduring this pain of a game with me as we've worked on this spreadsheet together hgjdfgh (luv u bestie 🫶). though it's written in the narrative that both of us will eventually quit updating it entirely if this game persists on not having any signs of improvement. when that day comes i'll make sure to post an announcement about it.

as for myself i'm probably still gonna lurk in the fandom/keep an eye out on game news. i doubt i'll be making any fanart anymore unless if i really have the motivation/boredom for it, but currently i'm revamping the "aesthetics" of this account so nothing's really set in stone. maybe i'll make a few whb rambles here or there if some game news really irks me but for the most part i've already been in the process of moving on to other things.

if you've stuck around this long to read this mess of a post, thank you for sticking around and have a cookie, you deserve it 🫴🍪

[punch-love]

I have a comment that I was idk I was not really inclined to share. But it’s been on my mind. Your last chap really fucked me up in the sense that it was super triggering to see Peter deal w so much inner turmoil. And I don’t really get triggered very often and I haven’t ever dealt w that much turmoil and I just was feeling overwhelmed by his thoughts and that they were super unhealthy… which I’m sure u know his thoughts were unhealthy because you are creating characters who don’t deal w things in the healthiest way and Peter and wades whole relationship is supposed to show how unhealthy they are but like it was also hard knowing people are mentally struggling that much daily and I couldn’t live within that head space for just the few minutes it took me to read the chap. And idk I was super reluctant to share this comment because I only really post positive praising ones and not that it’s not praise because you were able to make me feel peters thoughts just by your writing but idk it was still kinda hard to read. I’m sorry I hope this doesn’t offend it’s the last thing I’m trying to do

It was my intention for it to be hard to read. I want my work to be difficult to both read and process, because it's important to me that the characters I write about have brains that are genuinely not always pleasant to be inside. I think sometimes people write (and read) about characters as a means of escaping the horrors of the human experience, but personally: I write to highlight and sympathize with the horrors.

I don't write to trigger people, however. I will add a trigger warning to that chapter! It's people's choice to read my work, but I can see how you weren't given enough context pre-chapter to really understand what you were getting into with Peter's perspective. I took a long time writing this chapter, in part, because it wasn't really a fun one - just difficult. I'm going to always write works that have the potential to trigger people, that's just how I exist as a writer. I will take responsibility in being more intentional in preparing my audience for that though!

Also, I don't dislike this comment at all, if anything, it communicates that my writing does exactly what I want it to do - not that I want it to trigger you - but I do want people to have strong reactions to my work. I don't consider this negative feedback at all! You also mentioned struggling with processing, how people struggle with that type of mental process daily. I write a lot from my own experience. I have a very difficult brain, and writing is often the only way I can get people to understand the interior of it. It's absolutely not a fun way to live! I don't blame anyone for not wanting to sit with that.

To me, writing is a way that I can spread my own discomfort into something I can sympathize with/perceive outside myself. I also just really like writing about difficult and human people. I'm not offended that it's not everyone's cup of tea, and sometimes that difficult humanity actually has the capacity to be triggering. I am open to any and all comments of how people connect to my work: the good, and the bad.

[gardenvarietysystem]

Picture by Adel and Rebel. Yes, that's me. And me, and me.

Poem by everyone. It's long, but an insightful read.

We call it, PSYCHOSIS

TW: DRUG USE, ABUSE, DEATH/DYING

Different pillow

Same thoughts on repeat

In my head

Dread.

Over and over

And over again...

I can't believe my dad's dead.

I told you this already,

But

That's another song,

Another poem.

Yet,

I still feel as hollow now

As I did then.

Only now,

I realize:

Moments of judgement and opinions before

Me of me by me over me through me

Over and over---

The Specific ways

People look at me.

Putting meanings,

Inscribing intentions,

All within

My memory's

Failing perception.

I think I notice things,

But I tend to only over think;

About the wrong things.

Bad things,

Harmful things.

That's why

Perception shifts,

New perspectives, and

Opinions...

Rock my world,

On the occasion.

All this still paired-

-Except with-

-HEY!

I didn't finish my thought...

...

Only now

I have been told it's anxiety

...Mayhaps,

Perhaps.

You could say,

"Adel, it's the DRUGS!"

I would say:

At this point, it certainly persists.

It insists upon itself,

In counterintuitive ways.

You See :

(I would love to get medicated and write better poems that made better sense

But instead)

I get stuck in this rut,

In this cycle, perhaps if,

I analyzed-

Remembered-

Hard enough-

I could see-

Waves

Up and down-

Patterns written on the walls.

But I would tell you:

It's been like this

For far longer

Than I've been using.

(Yet I would also tell you

I have manufactured

All of my own stress.

Whose expectations

Am I really

Failing?)

Things really weren't that bad,

Though.

I got enough!

Look at how I turned out! :)

[I have reoccurring moments of this]

[[Overwhelming]]

[[[Sense of failure.]]]

Falling short.

Not doing enough.

Not preparing enough.

Not creating enough.

And so I do nothing.

((My own))

((Just wondering why))

(((I'm like this no matter))))

What

Can

I

Say?

Somethings just make it clearer

Easier

To see.

....

Oh yes!

back to the topic at hand!

DRUGS!

In my lungs

In my belly

In my blood

In my body

Om nom nom - put them in your brain!

👁️👅 👁️

...

I digress

But I must refrain:

1) Weed was for relaxing,

2) Psychedelics, shown to me with tender care and respect.

Which Only Persisted-

it's a raw innate curiosity in how it all connects.

(Hence the over thinking thoughts and needing to assign value to variables*)

(*Others' thoughts, experiences, processes, etc)

Idk highschool,

(I have the anniversary marked in my calendar)

College

3) Went through lexapro ,

But platoed.

I was supposedly-

What I had always thought-

To be just depressed...

Maybe

I'm pre disposed

To other

Things

-tendencies-

Too.

Perhaps I insist upon it myself,

Through my own toxic patterns;

Hmm

4) All of this to say why I do cocaine.

Now, Hear me out.

I was micro dosing this stuff, three to five times a day for roughly 4-5 days a week in variety and some longer stagnations of rest,

in total it's only been just over a year.

(going on two)

It has only been more recent that-

{I quit.}

-I have

Been surrounded by

A medicated group of friends.

While I was living with those,

And Doing That.

I felt

Like them.

Not even high just

Present.

Like the moment

Insisted upon itself.

But this shit isn't sustainable,

Reliable nor truthful, within it's own self

I need sleep regulation and yet motivation...

I don't want to do it forever:

But I don't consider this bad.

Idk, I really thought about it,

Talked about it with friends.

{harm reduction}

It's not like

People didn't know.

I had friends all aware.

And concerned to varying degrees,

But they saw...

for a

Little while....

.... how it helped....

[Holy shit you could trace the ultimate fall of the [REDACTED] crew to my cocaine addiction LMAO, that's a horrible timeline all things considered.]

But thankfully that is narrow,

Things in that business

were much bigger than me.

I thought I could be...

Medicated in time...

But I couldn't keep up.

[In moments like these I worry about

Not having spent more time

With my siblings

As they grow

Up.]

And they never will again.

So, Why do I feel like I have to fix it?

Sure, I would like it to be

A treat, not a necessity.

But I am now so much more sad.

And frustrated,

That I have asked,

And tried,

And begged...

To be better.

And then

I made....

A series of bad mistakes.

And now I'm scared

I'll be without it all,

And still

Not

Diagnosed.

Bc what if-

Fuck it, I know it.

It's just me at the end of it.

We all walk our paths alone.

No one is coming to save us.

It's all just

Us.

Making

The

Decision

And

Doing

The

Damn

Things.

To get better.

10/16/24

Edited and posted 3/17/25.

Thank you.

[throskart]

A TAD BIT LATE BUT HEY BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 2024 year IN ART I found it quite shocking how much improvement there was, as I did not notice any changes over the year. Also apparently I have allergy to the colour green as I barely use it anywhere, I'm talking, I could count on my hand the amount of drawings containing the colour green . While looking over all the drawings, the most common theme was, unsurprisingly, d&d related drawings.

From all the drawings I have begun, I finished 68% (25/37) of all started drawings. Per month I manage to draw 2 art pieces, which I am pleased with. Of all the unfinished drawings, most barley have a sketch, whilst few are still in the process of making. Before doing the math, I was convinced I had finished around 80% of drawings instead of 68%, but close enough. This year has been full of pieces that I've disliked, but that's art, can't always love all of your pieces. But the same goes in the opposite direction, so here are my top 3 faves and dislliked pieces Top 3:

3. This was during "inktober" except I gave up on the ink part and then just started ignoring the days themes, and in the end diregarted drawing once piece per day, instead opting in to make a more complete piece over the span of multiple days, so I guess I just did my own thing??? Nevertheless, this was a practice with the painting brushes on krita and omg, it turned out so well?? I would have never expected for myself to actually draw something like this, especially without using eyedropper tool!

2. This was made during December, I took part in a 3 day media bootcamp, and safe to say, it truly was a bootcamp! We basically had +/- 24 hours to create a trailer for a show/podcast/film, while in that time we are getting additional lectures how to break through in Latvia media! Before going to the camp, I had no idea that we'd do any of that. Luckily, I had brought my drawing tablet as well as my laptop, thus became the groups artist.

1. My best piece in 2024. also made during Inktober, I was experimenting with a vector art look. Something funny, I didn't realise vector art literally meant using vectors, so I made it all using a lot of fill tools and selections.. way too many selections, I am afraid to look at the layers... This is art of a friends D&D character as I was feeling lost on what to draw.. The worst:

3. This one is a still a push as this was made during whole december, and I seem to only have finished on 5th jaunary 2024, but works for me. This was still when I was still drawing on my phone.. I remember feeling so proud of this because oh how it looked with all the textures, all the effort and actually trying to draw something smooth.. ngl if we ignore ALL THE FLAWS, it looks good? I had no clue how to draw pants and was allergic to using references "because I'm good enough to draw without using references" sure buddy, you were xD Throughout the year, I just can see how his design slowly changes, first off head shape before was a mystery, each drawing, different shape, consistency? who dat? This drawing serves as a reminder that I should practice drawing landscapes other than lush forests, because omg what are those sand dunes..

2. I CAN'T DRAW WOMEN, LET ALONE GNOMES!! Here's what drawing on a phone with a cracked screen did to me, drawing mostly straight lines. When I got a drawing tablet, I still continued on using straight lines, as I had grown used to it. I feel like I screwed myself over in the drawing with the awkward angle, without reference.. The light makes absolutely no sense here! Where does the light come from? Idk, ask the stars, maybe they can answer..

1. This was when I first got a drawing tablet.. I get the feeling I was going for but the execution is... Yeah.. Ngl, I should attempt to redraw this, I like the concept I had.

I hope next year I manage to finish more works, for that elusive 80% , and probably switch up the drawing subject a bit, adding some variety in the mix finally, as I feel like I've lost my edge in environment I used to have.. Perhaps create some OC's as I have only my dnd characters and nothing else~

[pomefioredove]

Hi hello hi

I really really really LOVE YOUR STORIES

They're so so so so so good

And i love to reread them and i come back to em (my sense of time awareness -temporal awareness???- is terrible tho so sometimes I think it's been weeks since i read one but it turns out to only be a day)

Anyways, your writing

Is

So

GOOD

I love it

It's so WONDERFUL!!

Love the way you write Vil and Rook and reallly all of the characters

It's so delicious so delightful so wonderful and so satisfying and just THE BEST

I don't want to repeatedly reblog at times mostly cause i know that tends to translate as lots lots of notifs (i can be a bit spammy with my comments and reblogs so i try not to be too much but also your stuff is so so so so so so so so so GOOD )

The writing is simply immaculate in that it's so cozy and so delightful to read yet one still feels like it's the character and it's one of those cases of "the writing makes it feel canon even if that character doesn't always act like that". Not sure if that makes sense, but understand it's positive connotations. I love how you create these stories and the way you write them. The wording is so good and it feels both descriptive and gets details and emotions across yet not blandly concise and dry. It's really really really such a delight to read your stuff and i wanted you to know that without obliterating notifs with stuff (also cause i get tired or even WORSE - i blank out in the comment section or reblog section cause i got too excited and then i can't think about what exactly to write down lol)

Anyway, dropping this in the ask box

P.S. - pardon if overly energetic, trying not to be too much after sipping multiple cups of coffee- I'm so jittery and my heart is hype and it doesn't help that i was rereading your stuff and i just get so damn happy that i get jittery and big burst of energy. Like like idk lol

Like being attacked by cozy feelings and joy and kicking your feet under the covers kinda feeling (i wonder if this is how my guinea pig feels when she popcorns and jumps or when my dog does zoomies. I bet they're squeeing lol)

I think it's also cause I tend to have high energy and feel relatively intensely about lots of things (though it's more like JUST feeling though not affecting the actions as much lol- like squeeing but i can get up and do chores after??? Idk)

Anyway, LOVE YOUR STORIES

Super good and super awesome and i love them (again am hype on so much coffee and also from stories so combo whammy lol)

first of all! let it be known that I LOVE getting spammed, reblog and like and comment as much as your heart desires because it makes me SO happy, I love have my notifs blown up

second of all! THANK YOU SO MUCH

I keep like every nice comment I get, they give me the motivation to get through the day =w= I read all of yours especially, I think they're just so sweet and detailed and I love them... I think the first time you left a nice comment on one of my works I showed my friends because I got so excited

and thank you so so much about the comments on my characterization... I really enjoy getting to analyze and understand a character and then writing them with that in mind. I'm not perfect at it for all the twst characters just yet but my scope has definitely improved since I started here! it's kind of an exploratory process

I'd attribute my writing style to my background in poetry ^w^ I was formally trained as a poet until ~15 (tho I kept writing on my own) I'm unable to give every fic my all but I try to be a little creative with them at the very least! and the headcanons too

as for vil and rook... pomefiore has always been my fave dorm since snow white is my second favorite disney movie, I think about them all so much, I really relate to both epel and vil for various reasons too. my beloveds, really

ANYWAY. knowing that I'm doing something that makes people so happy is really the highlight of this, there's no better feeling than seeing someone go feral over my writing in the notes! truly the best part about creating art is seeing its emotional effect on people

this is the first x reader blog I've ever had (I made one like 2 years ago but was too shy to post so I deleted) and the experience I've had here so far has been so good. I used to be very scared of interacting w fandoms, being a naturally kinda scaredy person, but everyone here is so nice and talented?? it's the best I love it here

and feel free to ramble anytime! I love it

[delicateartisantrash]

Hi hi hiiii! I noticed your asks were on and was wondering if you have any playlists or specific songs you relate to your books/characters or listen to when writing chapters 😄

I adoreeee your writing so much, thank you so much for bringing your talent to this fandom it means so much to everyone 🥹❤️

;w; awwbwhbwefhorghelrigjg *excited hand flappies*

as it happens, music is a *huge* part of my writing process. I often throw on songs that are specific to specific moods for writing certain scenes, or for characters.

Here's some recent tunes I love writing to below he cut;

"Wrap me in Plastic - Slowed Down version"

I listen to this one a LOT while writing Leaking Spark... particularly book one, and often during Knockout's scenes, heh. It's a little saucy, a little prim, very confident and focused on physical beauty, and makes me think of contrived, sculpted relationships... Knockout's very concerned with material things and structuring things in a kind of shallow, cliche way-- he's uncomfortable going Deep except in the berth with someone.

"LSDREAM - Rave Cave: Funk Edition"

LSDREAM. BWUUUUUH. BELOVED. So, @ss-shitstorm turned me onto this musician a hot bit ago now, and I have literally not been the same since. I *love* the range and variety in their beats, and find their music sets kinda meditative to listen to. I listen to this song the most when I'm doing general work around the house or working in the pewter workshop-- and while I work, i'm usually thinking about my stories xD

So I don't really listen to this one while i'm actually -writing- scenes.... but i listen to it when I'm actively plotting things, particularly Soundwave related plot or scenes. (Muauhuahaa)

However...

"LSDREAM - DREAMROCKS Full Set"

THIS ONE. I LISTEN TO THIS WHILE WRITING. I LISTEN TO IT WHILE READING. I LISTEN TO IT ALL THE FUCKIN' TIME I ADORE IT. It's my favorite one to write Soundwave and Lazerbeak's perspective from while listening to, and I often write Lightshow as well.

"Be Strong Enough to be Gentle" - Interview / Anecdot from TF voice actor

This isn't music. This is just a story that I find personally inspiring and thought provoking-- it's about the original and well known voice actor for Optimus Prime, and how he ended up getting the role, and the advice he was given before going to the audition / interview.

Honestly... I don't think I actually listen to any songs specifically for getting into the heaspace of Optimus. I have many that make me think of him of course, but for actually creating content for him? I tend to listen to things like this, or read something philosophical or war-related with that complicated gray zone addressed. Optimus is *complicated.*

Anyhow, this particular interview snippet from his voice actor, really guides my thought process when writing Optimus, or any character who is meant to be an example of or an attempt at reaching forthe Highest Good in that wretched gray zone of trying to be pure in a world allergic to it.

"Ren - Hi Ren"

Imma take a moment to highlight this artist, Ren-- dude writes some amazingly, viscerally emotional songs that reach right past all them pretty flowery words and get Right Into The Feels and just. Damn.

His music makes me feel, and makes me think. I find myself with new ponderings every time I listen, particularly to this song-- and for relevance to my fanfiction books, I love this song for prompting thought and perspective and a relation to certain characters like Shockwave.

Shockwave has a very interesting mental headspace, one that I'm honestly still learning and getting to know. But writing from his perspective, trying to get in his head to figure him out so I can *write* that complicated mfer, is always such an experience for me.

This song helps me grasp that... split, that intensive difference while still being the same as everyone else. He's different. Yet he's the same.

Idk how to explain it better than that but... yeah, love me some complicated Decepticon headspaces.

"Colors - Halsey"

I listen to this one a LOT while writing Leaking Spark and Why the Caged Bird Sings. It makes me think of Butterfly and Knockout; her helping him, getting Energon all over herself, the nature of their push-and-pull relationship that's doomed from the start in the way they each crave. Idk. But this one just. Yeah. I vibe to this a lot while writing her.

I also listen to this one sometimes for Lightshow-- it's got that melodic juxtaposition of this dynamic of such a catchy, upbeat tune with such a melancholy story and song, and Lightshow feels like a very dynamic gem of sad and happy all at the same time.

(have I mentioned i like complex characters? xD)

this isn't my most recent playlist (I have a playlist on my laptop i play usually) but it's one i put together maybe a year or two ago when i was first writing-- i actually listen to this one when I'm doing pinstripe art or any projects I Need Energy Good Vibes To Dance To (I dance while i work sometimes it's a thing i Can't Not but it actually helps me keep on task + good exercise + have fun doing the work + balance funsies)

But I also listen to a lot of these songs while writing :3

aaaaand that's probably way more than you wanted to know so I'll stop here but there you are XD there's a few tunes~