#idk if it's an adhd thing but I'm putting it there

[sullina]

i have been going to bed and getting up way earlier than before (used to be 2am-10/12am, now pretty consistently 11/12pm - ca. 7am) and oh my god, a day lasts a fucking eternity if you don't sleep for half of it, my sleep schedule's been fucked for so long that I genuinely forgot that, holy shit

[blarrghe]

the thing about ADHD is it really isn't the forgetting stuff disorder. We remember everything extremely well we just get distracted and don't look at the memories. Like, if my partner asks me to look out for a package in the morning but neither of us sticks a note where I'll see it, there's like a greater than 90% chance I will not do that. But when something comes about to remind me of it (usually too late, such as partner getting up and checking for the package, shameful!), I will remember that conversation where I agreed to watch for the package in excruciating detail. this is true of any thing that I later "forget". when the reminder comes I can remember where I was sitting, what I was wearing, the precise wording of the conversation in question, or the reason for why I put the thing where I put the thing, etc. Memory's great I just didn't access the memory because I was distracted by the bees in my brain. The things are there they just aren't getting the attention because the attention can only go so many places and I don't control where it goes. This is why it is the attention deficit disorder.

Well what about the times when you do forget every single word of a conversation you had, you ask? Like, someone can say they remember me saying something in response to them and I 100% do not remember saying those words? well. wasn't paying attention to the conversation happening at the time I was having it. Sorry. Not your fault you probably weren't boring. There were bees in my brain while we were talking and so when I look back there's just buzzing. Hope that helps.

[dootznbootz]

I know I write about how wild Penelope is (she is) but OdyPen is very likeminded. Odysseus is just as wild and out of pocket. It's just that we already KNOW that from the epics. He's a reckless idiotic genius, same with her. It's just that Penelope was under a lot of stress and was missing her other half and that's why only a lil bit of her crazy slipped out with her sneeze omen of death. Also, Homer trying to keep her "mysterious" even to the narrator as she's the only one who can "trick the trickster".

They're both fucking crazy in the best way. It's just that in the beginning this man was just head over heels so even when she was purposely saying and doing out-of-pocket shit to try and "freak him out" he thought nothing of it and just thought "Fuck yeah, that's hot wife shit." They're both fucking weird. Both have ADHD and are reckless and silly

Odysseus: Once me and my sister went off to the cliffs when we weren't supposed to, and we messed around too much and so a big rock in the side fell off. It freaked everyone out. We never told anyone. Soothsayer said it meant no one could fish on the sea for 2 days because of how it now has two points and the boulder landed in the ocean... Penelope: ... 😧 Odysseus,😅: Haha, I don't know why I said that. It sounded cooler in my head... shit Penelope: No,no, that's fucking cool. I've fucked around with some things but I don't think I've ever done that much damage. Did you see the big splash??? Odysseus:

I can't emphasize enough how weird they BOTH are. They're both menaces together. With the whole "A joy to Friends, and a disaster for their enemies." Except it's not just to their enemies. They just DO shit.

They'll literally screw someone over with a devious plan turning away laughing and then immediately walk into a rake like some sort of loony toons show. They'd fall for the ICUP trick and then go on a rant on how that's so stupid and not a real trick and then try and pull it on someone else. THAT SHIT

THEY'RE LIL SHITS

[zerodaryls]

i... i finished my first edit of my novel. 107,098 words.

i don't even know what to do now. do i just... start from the beginning and go through it with my metaphorical red pen again?

do i invite people to read it and give any notes?

idek how i'm gonna be publishing this when it's Finished Finished. i want it to be accessible to the target readership (queer neurodivergent young adults) and i hate amazon so like. idk where to host it. or if it should just be a file to download. or what. AAGGGGGHHHH.

but anyway... I JUST FINISHED MY FIRST EDIT OF MY NOVEL.

[plantsucc]

ok it's been revealed to me that I come off as callous and uncaring because I can't do eye contact or show excitement and that's why I fail at job interviews

[kingofscoops]

I hate cleaning my room, whenever I do it it's like opening a Pandora's box of never ending mess...

[strawberriesinmoominvalley]

anyway i think we as people need to become more comfortable with others identifying in conflicting ways. or just having any mildly conflicting traits. it is implicit in the nature of us as humans.

my actions are significant because they impact others. my actions are insignificant because we live in a massive universe where i don't matter. if human life in itself resides within being simultaneously significant/insignificant then it's no surprise we contain multitudes

[chipped-chimera]

FOR THE TIRED PEOPLE: Some new research about Chronic + ADHD(inattentive) related fatigue, and BCAAs

[DISCLAIMER // I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I AM NOT A MEDICAL PRACTITIONER. I AM NOT A DIETICIAN. I'm just a big tired nerd with way too much time on my hands who likes science. I am however, sharing this because this could potentially help others and BCAAs are already safe for human consumption, widely used and easily accessible. If you are uncertain about adding BCAAs to your diet please talk to your doctor first. There are also some medications which interact negatively with BCAA's. Do your research. Also generally be careful about taking medical advice from the internet! ]

I was going to post about something else but I went down the rabbit hole of explaining this study I read and decided that no, this needed it's own thing or it's gonna be a mile long.

So in one of my usual weekly fatigue breakdowns where I was scraping the internet for any kind of information that might point out something I've SURELY missed to explain why I feel the way I do, I stumbled across this study published last year (2022) -

[ The relationship between central fatigue and Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder of the inattentive type ]

The TL;DR on the paper - our previous assumptions about the tryptophan-serotonin system might be wrong (tryptophan being the precursor for a bunch of stuff, including melatonin which is the sleepy chemical - aka why people say drink warm milk before bed to help sleep, that's tryptophan) what was previously assumed was reducing tryptophan = bad because it could affect serotonin production.

Testing in rats (so grain of salt here) indicated that higher levels of tryptophan =/= higher levels of serotonin and when reducing the level of free tryptophan in the bloodstream it returned to baseline. High levels of tryptophan were associated with fatigue and inattention, and rats on a tryptophan deficient diet by contrast took longer to reach a state of exhaustion. I'm skipping over a bunch of stuff but basically - research is now pointing to both Chronic Fatigue and ADHD related fatigue being related to Central Nervous System Fatigue which up until now, has only really been associated with the fatigue athletes experience when exercising really hard (now just picture me doing jack shit and feeling like that every day. Yeah). I've only just stared to see bits and pieces pop up about this recently but nothing in relation to this tryptophan study.

Anyway, the thing about BCAAs: BCAAs (Branched Chain Amino Acids) are currently used to reduce the uptake of tryptophan in the brain for better performance in athletes, help with reduction of exercise fatigue (CNS fatigue) and muscle building. You can pretty easily find BCAA's added to protein-shakes or in it's own kind of supplement. It also occurs naturally in some foods (Beef, Chicken, Eggs, Lentils, Chickpeas, Brown Rice etc.) so it is absolutely safe to consume. It's also generally fairly affordable (especially compared to the lengthy process of treatment + medications that might not even work and you have to keep changing them, yes I am talking from personal experience).

Again, this is all very new and absolutely needs so much more research because up until now, no one has really been sure what causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but tests have shown that those suffering CFS demonstrate similar activation of their muscles as fatigued athletes - as in they could activate them but not to their full capacity. This connection is only considered 'possible' and it might take a good few years before we can say anything with certainty.

But as an extremely tired bitch who is extremely tired of being extremely fucking tired, I am sharing this because it's easy to get, safe, and affordable and if you're like me you're about ready to try anything. And it's not another goddamn pill (I'm on 14 a day).

Also for the ADHDers specifically: protein rich diets are usually advised for us because it helps with the metabolism of stimulants, and can help with softening medication crashes when they wear off. So adding a protein shake with BCAAs to your morning routine might be a good idea. Or just any protein shake in general.

There can be side effects to taking BCAAs, but it is considered rare and this depends entirely on the person. Cross check existing medications, talk to your doc etc. if you are not 100% certain adding BCAAs to your diet is possible. Stay safe peeps.

[keymintt]

not the 'sweet tags anon' but another, equally appreciative anon!!! I do wonder though if there's a reason you don't use the queue if you can't 'just reblog one'? You could do a ton whenever the mood strikes without overwhelming your/followers dash, just go ham <3

hello! :D

y'know that's a good question and the answer really is just that it never stuck with me. i'll queue up my art to post at certain times/days if i have a large backlog of unposted stuff, but aside from that, the idea of my blog posting stuff in whatever order at certain times of day while i was away never really appealed to me. that and i could never come up with a clever queue tag hkflghdl

thank you for the ask though! :>

[unproduciblesmackdown]

spent the evening reading through all of the like galley pdf copy of the 2 trans 2 furious zine and a great time start to finish like it was Not an effort to keep at it despite its being like 160 pgs. and despite my not having ever seen a f&f movie or really especially directly "correctly" being interested, though i'd ofc love to see any of the films like live & in person w/a bunch of trans strangers, say

laughed and teared up multiple times and thought about how impressive and creative entries were and like, the momentum was easy, everything was engaging and intriguing and invigorating and enriching....and Printed Editions (that ship to US & canada) are still available for pre-order, for about another week (also the window given for us going over the digital copy for edits/corrections lol) soooo. again i like haven't seen any f&f movies, and that didn't impede anything at all, and it was a fantastic time:

and another reason i'm like Oh My God So Appropriate To Have Sent In An Entry is how, like, it's all transformative fun and serious yet not somber Media Analysis on media you don't have to have actually even seen, or "like" straightforwardly, or at all, or be the "correct" audience for, or have an "intended" interpretation, lol, lmao....like this is Extremely our shit out here lol, what one is up to all the time in the world of Billions Series Analysis like, personally haven't even seen it, i'm not cishet enough to be the intended audience or otherwise sharing various particular assumed perspectives that are occasionally required to even parse, much less enjoy, some material....and yet!!

and like, if there was an all-autistic contributor's fun fan media analysis / commentary / parody / exploration / transformation / etc zine about billions? it'd be like wow how exactly me, and yet ofc i'd be at way more of a loss at what to scream abt winnie, perhaps ft. & tay, and the overall [billions]ing, much less how to actually execute that lol. it was easier to do a Very 101 Intro To: Cam Stone Exists Btw, nonbinarily, in that i limited myself to One Page so i could actually feasibly get it done, but in doing so i, as expected, could only say a fraction of what i could say about cam, were i explaining things in full / just unleashed, and skim the surface but just go "they exist btw and here's a tiny bit of further 101 info." it's not like, An Issue, b/c i don't think the [everything] that i could say would work great in full, and i can't write a great little short form piece of text about them (or winston, or anything else)....but it was also like, well if a trans f&f zine Doesn't have the trans f&f character in it then what are we doing, and We Know Of Cam Stone, so the most feasible [handing out a flyer] version of telling ppl they exist has gotta be done

and it's like, it's (relatively?) matter of fact to this end of only having so much room to put in words, and definitely ending up having to squeeze lines in vs struggling to fill the space. it could've been weirder, or funnier, or hornier, but it successfully exists and maybe it's a little weird, funny, and horny (drew an Especially [ooh sexy cam stone]-tinged pic lol) and whatever is difficult for me to perceive abt my own personality infusion in whatever, like how i have to be reminded like oh right, my Art Style, the way that Eye draw lol....and of course, i can't and don't expect my one page informative crash course intro to cam stone to be able to be Everything, any more than years' worth of lots of [winston billions] material in various formats of various extensiveness from various angles has been Everything. and the zine as a whole can't be Everything but it is, in fact, So Much abt So Many Things from so many different approaches. i enjoyed everything, especially like, "An Ode to X" as in fast x, which evolves into "x" as an (implicitly nonbinary) in-universe character and i was Moved and teared up, and i see it immediately follows "Jason Statham Will Call My Dad A Pussy In Fast 12" which moved me and made me tear up, which follows an entry that's a haiku about each film, none of which i've seen, which i didn't get misty about of course but was fully engaged with and enjoys, which follows my entry

there's naturally plenty about roads and horizons and racing and speed and i'm also like, i'm a gay who can drive, and i can feel it re: the trans contributor whose entry mine follows which is about their irl experiences driving in a demolition derby, inspired by f&f. and i can feel it re: enjoying f&f beyond how you're "supposed" to, or how you would in a cishet(tm) way, and how so many of these entries had resonance, and that intrigue and engagement, and lenses on where to find explorations of gendering which will kind of Have to come up whenever anything succeeds in approaching things that are genuine and really truly more To Life, even while the point of f&f is not to be "realistic," especially about, you know, the driving and what you can do with cars, which i fully appreciate and definitely understood more for cam stone being in a story ramming through a wall outracing an avalanche hacking cop cars and defusing bombs and ramping over bucket wheel mining excavators and being swept out of the way of a train that was going full speed but silent until like 0.05 sec ago when it also burst through a wall or something? and whomever all is involved with racing like a rocket launch fr. and having fun, being yourself, and killing people, hell yeah

and like, the [this is like my autistic ass out here laser pointing at winston billions as autistic and having that lens on this media that doesn't intend it or directly invoke it] relevance also Of Course in that, through kompenso, that is where it is like yes as i have that personal symposium of ongoing compounding unfolding branching distilling consideration, analysis, appreciation, transformation, etc going on, so too does my colleague as the world's preeminent tayficionado, which is where they looked into akd's oeuvre and found the cam stone material, and passed it on to me, then passed on the [zine call for trans f&f contributions], So

and that, just like as is also found crucially in kompenso / the then preexisting & all eventually following winnie n tay material, there's that Autistic and Trans resonance. some particular quotes from this zine were especially like, oh, pointing, pointing...."Thirty minutes into my visit, I suddenly just didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t feel angry, not really very sad at all either. I just longed to be elsewhere. A different place, with different people, within a different moment. And then every cell in my body pleaded to not feel that way in all of my moments, in every group of people, in all places." ....[from a poem, ft. formatting thusly:] "It made me feel important, kind of? Like, more present? Like people talked about me a lot but never exactly about ME, if you know what I mean. I mean, of course sometimes I could feel something inside of me. A sneaking or, like, a skittering. I just kind of figured everyone feels that sometimes, like really deep down, right? It’s just that no one really talks about it, you know. That’s what I figured." ....[from a section of a contribution w/the context of the author not yet knowing that they're trans]: "but he was familiar and didn’t make me think too critically about much in the world, especially myself, especially as he never seemed too interested to ask me about me—not that I would’ve had much insight to share at the time beyond “please do not think too deeply about how I am.”"; and then, w/the context that they do realize, and have expressed, that they're trans: "but I was still learning about the concept of mattering, so I didn’t push the issue of basic respect at the time." ....from another submission, that is Sooo: "maybe i am transing Fast and Furious just by loving it" ...."Discovering, loving, and sharing this franchise (and myself) with others has been such a wildly different experience—maybe even the opposite experience—than self-policing myself into who I thought I should be. It’s nourishing, welcoming—an open invitation to learn and grow rather than an ongoing test to constantly worry about failing."

an ongoing test to constantly worry about failing....here ofc a parallel to Gendering, and, ofc, the autistic & trans [handshake] and resonance, to Autisting....i resonated with plenty, genderingly, but this wasn't a surprise or even like, my focus, and of course not all the entries themselves Textually mention [gendering], but it's like, a trans space in a zine lol, a baseline of that understanding and perspective, vs having to be actively looking. nonzero textual neurodivergence mentions, too, and other lenses of ways to be Othered / non normative, like race, nationality, religion. the overarching, Constant [omg sooo me] resonance is that of like, having this foundation of refusing Limits, of approaching a Rich Text a hundred different ways, w/different tones, and different formats, and different experiences and ideas explored. you don't need the source material to acknowledge any noncishet people textually exist (to be understood by noncishet audiences), or to be deemed Good, or Enjoyed, or your entry to be proffered as like, correct and definitive rather than One exploration you could offer up, amongst many offered by many others who could say more, again, differently....i've been like, balancing excitement for having this contribution, and its being like ooh fancy lol this is the one time i can say i have (non self-)published work, and it'll be Out There, and (including all contributors' gifted copies) apparently that ft. abt a thousand printed copies atm, and the digital distribution option hasn't happened yet....along with, like, it can't even be my comprehensive, definitive [cam stone exists btw] theoretical Ideal Entry lol b/c that would not be feasible for me to make or to be put into a zine. knowing i have Points on my side for it being crucially relevant lore (and the competition being hotter for the small form text entries, though there's other illustrations, comics, collages, edits, etc) like, yeah the strength of this isn't in its being as weird or funny or horny as anything could be, lol....but my Personality is embedded in it as per like, see: how that Journey of relevant interests and enthusiasms and engagements and perspectives and weirder, hornier, more extensive and varied works led up to and contribute to this piece's existence (such as, years of drawing winston 9000 times being part of how my drawing looked in march, when i made the cam stone piece)

and like, in not seeing everything as a test to fail, in seeing [when are you seeing things as that test to fail], &/or similarly/overlappingly seeing [when are you seeing things as a test to Prove Value to others or something and achieve person status in their eyes b/c of it] like, lol, i hope a thousand plus ppl learn cam stone exists, and it'd be fun if they enjoy that process. put in little floaty hearts as flair, just as i often do, b/c by now i just Know and Embrace that i do. and i'm not like "i hope everyone ever is blown away" b/c why would they be lol, and that's fine. like how even in [i just say some shit abt winston billions, and ofc abt myself and my experiences / perspectives through winston billions while knowing that's not what's "meant" out here probably maybe though put me through to will roland, yknow...] i'm like oh don't be thinking abt proving your value w/this specific oeuvre lol like. anyone Caring as validation like, it's too late by now, i like people liking shit and getting anything out of it but it's like, i'm doing my thing, i'm having a specific ass symposium abt quantent and billionsing "wrong" that eye enjoy, i enjoy getting any feedback/attention on shit i put out there in case ppl wanna partake, i don't enjoy any/all of it in any/all ways just so long as it's Anything, yknow. like same with interactions/attention on Me as an autistic person who actually exists, lol. speaking being exhausting when it's ppl saying shit At me, would-be "positive" attention that's from someone like deciding what i'm like or what i'm communicating and wanting something from me, that shared discussion Abt something can only be a gateway into like "normal" exchanges to "normally" socialize, finding that pattern of not being worth effort unless it's effort that gets something out of hurting you / thwarting you; all versus: i have plenty of expertise knowing myself vs needing feedback, i like doing my thing, i like doing my thing Alongside others, probably strangers, within a certain context, like being cooped up at college and socially recharging by going ""alone"" to the coffeeshop down the block, while going "with" people would generally be a mixed bag if not disheartening to even distressing. which, here i am, doing my little thing alongside strangers in this context of transgendering and fun and serious but not not funny and varying and daring and earnest materials exploring something that's about anything or everything or nothing, and not made for You, but here you are anyways, as you always have been

anyways, that is to say, like, perfect that it's turned out so like "yeah you don't need to have seen the movies even" and such enriching Reflections and like, so different and yet cohesive without needing to like, painstakingly group or order things to create some Connections, they're all there, and i'm like damn yeah cam's quarter-mile V neck, so fucking true. and i'm like, this is so Me, without having to be like, "and that is b/c i have put Me on the page, in full, with utmost success, and Everyone Will Love It (Me)" lol, which was not like, a danger, but that's through all the years of going [everything is a test i'm failing / can fail at any moment] and yknow, even up to recently and this very moment wrangling with and realizing things like, hand on shoulder are you looking to "earn" some estimation of Value in others' eyes that they can only choose to give by seeing everyone as a fellow person w/inherent value who deserves basic respect. like the mortality mondays that ramped up since late january, but also since '09, but also since like forever in different forms, and back when first discovering billions and, for like the only time while we've been watching, Knowing when everything in a season will air, but also not thinking i'd get to see it, and now in a similar boat, but different (having done "nothing" on paper over the years but like, been Realizing Things, been powering up, been assigning the Value to myself and Understanding myself & my experiences further. and also other things that you Could put on paper, but yknow), and like, it's still about [grr let me see billions through, even though i don't even see billions] and still about [!!!] despite it all and things that are "unserious" and also not and who needs like a certain kind of validation from enough of certain kinds of people

anyways, the autistique resonance within it, and in the process of reading it, and having our specific path to sending something in, and making it. it's an excellent ride and it's very epic that it exists so consider that print copy preorder if you want (plus the intended eventual digital distribution option, not yet available)

[hopper-wheeler]

i haven't been able to do something i actually enjoy for what feels like ages and i have to say i'm this close to losing my mind 🤏🏻

[thedreadvampy]

Autism doesn't equate to neurodivergence, it's a developmental disability that's present from birth. And physically disabled people who are born disabled as a result of brain damage in the womb are more likely to have comorbid autism. Just because allistic people on social media have defanged autism and call every specifically autistic trait "neurodivergence" doesn't mean it shouldn't be considered the separate thing that it is. "Neurodivergent traits" don't exist. Able-bodied men with autism being annoying doesn't make it okay for allistic physically disabled people to downplay autism. Most of us who have multiple disabilities end up under conservatorships bc of how debilitating our autism is, combined with presumed incompetence due to being visibly disabled as well.

babe what are you talking about for real.

[celepeace]

I have named a phenomenon that happens to me and everyone else I know with adhd: "adhd hands"

It's when you have an object in your hand, then you recognize a need for that hand to do something else, so you automatically set the object in your hand down on the nearest horizontal surface without remembering or putting any thought to it. From your perspective, you had the object, you wanted to do something, and now the object is gone and you have no idea where. Poof. No recollection of putting it down.

[aro-aizawa]

the fact that i really love doing organisational stuff is literally the only thing that does not align with adhd and i feel like a sham when i say “man i really love organising stuff!!!” lol doesn’t mean that i’m good at sticking to it and i doing it super often. i just,,, i really like how satisfying it is, and its way easier to do organising digitally for example all this to say that i fkn love spending hours on end rearranging files and setting up a system so that my files look so neat

[ifievertoldyou]

atheist

autistic

anxious

asexual

agender

aromantic

aphantasia

alexithymia

yeah, you can just call me:

AAAAA A A A

[rainbowvamp]

this weekend I had several sobbing revelations about my (undiagnosed) ADHD and actually I'm proud of me for that.