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will-o-wips · 10 months

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It is 4 am. I'm staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, coincidentally having my phone right in my line of sight, and write this with the exasperation and intense focus that I probably won't ever have again. I'm about to attempt to make any sort of sense of the latest Hayao Miyazaki movie, The Boy and the Heron (or rather, How do you live? in Japanese), that I watched for the first time in theatres a day ago.

I cannot claim to be right, or to know everything about this movie. Actually acclaimed critics and people with obviously more braincells than me have probably better takes than I do. But I must speak, lest the insanity truly take over my brain, lest I really end up combusting because of how much I want to talk about this.

Prepare yourselves for the most incoherent train of thought and line of consciousness you will ever experience.

FILLED WITH SPOILERS READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE.

Before I start with my actual thoughts, however, I'll state my personal feelings about the movie, because I feel that matters too, and this is my post anyway so! But I personally left the cinema feeling somewhat mellow. I was not insane about it yet. It was,,, "meh". The impression of the ride was great; I was giggling along with the funny and even sometimes not purposefully funny moments, I enjoyed the animation to the point I would genuinely flap my hands in excitement at how good it was, I understood the story in great lines by noticing small details and going "oh so does this mean x?". But I did not cry. Not a single tear during or after or before the movie. I did not waver with my opinion on it as I rambled about it to my friends online and irl, much to their annoyance. I did not hesitate when I put it in my silly little Studio Ghibli movie tierlist maker that I update whenever I watch another one of these films together with my friends, categorized (in)discreetly under "all vibes no plot but there's a witch/wizard". I still don't, in fact.

So, given all of this, you'd probably say that I disliked the movie. That I would not have so much to say about it, after doing my mandatory ramble and update. Wrong. I still have more to say, somehow.

Despite that, I didn't rewatch the movie itself. I read an entirety of one (1) review of it, together with one (1) random video essay of 8 or so minutes, covering the basics of it. I reblogged one (1) post about its protagonist on tumblr and otherwise kinda read through the rest of the posts on here. I did not re-experience or re-examine this movie again. I cannot (again) accurately reference anything besides that what I vaguely remember from watching it a day or two ago. It's not playing anywhere near me anymore/not out anywhere else yet, so really, I don't even know what possessed me to write about this, or even say anything. The most fascinating thing (to probably all of us here) is; what made me change my mind about it?

It might've been the review on IndieWire. David Ehrlich and his well-written review, bringing things into much needed context as to why this movie was created. It could've been the fact that I've actively processed the movie better, now a little bit of time has passed. [Honestly it deserves a second watch/view for something more concrete, but I'm repeating myself with this, you get it.]

But I don't even really understand it myself. I felt and still feel so detached from this movie in a sense. I appreciate the artistry that went into it, and I adore the way it simply tells the story and leaves it up to interpretation. It references every single film Hayao Miyazaki has ever made before, and elements of other Ghibli films can probably be found in there too, if you looked hard enough. The vibes were similar to those of Spirited Away, and Howl's Moving Castle, given how inexplicably fantastical the world was. It just existed and breathed, and we as the audience jumped straight into it. We never got more exposition than what was needed; honestly I have a feeling that the second half of the movie was the vaguest piece of media I have ever consumed in my life. But it also had this perfect balance of the more drama-focused Ghibli films. The Boy and the Heron, in my opinion, is like the golden middle between reality and fantasy, both in terms of its narrative as well as comparison between other Ghibli movies.

This might also be the reason why I felt confused. The lines between reality and fantasy were so effortlessly blurred, that you could only process a singular picture. And when things are vague to me, I constantly need to pick them apart and analyse them, simply to satisfy my own curiosity.

The moment before I stepped into the movie theatre, my friend who watched along with me told me they heard it was a film about grief. I nodded along and said "yeah, okay, that just means it's another one of many Hayao Miyazaki and Ghibli films. Most of them are about some kind of loss, and dealing with it, either way." I sat down together with them; row 9, chairs 17 and 18, with my two bottles of water (one carbonated, one stilled) and the bag of terribly sour packaged chocolate pretzels I bought at the theatre itself. Horribly overpriced for the quality, I must say. My friend held onto the popcorn, and we sat through the ads, talking and laughing, anticipating something that was supposed to blow us away.

I cannot speak for my friend, but I think they really liked the movie regardless. They didn't cry at it either, even though we both know of each other that we always cry at such things. Somehow this movie evoked a certain stillness in us both; a stalemate between emotions and confusion. Maybe delayed processing. Maybe something else entirely. We both, or at least I, hid it until later.

It was midnight, and right before we stepped on our train home, I was excitedly going on about the references and animation, the things I did appreciate. I bragged a bit about how I recognized Kenshi Yonezu's voice in the final credit song that we didn't get to listen to entirely, because it was so late and we had to rush to get home. They laughed at me and told me to take some time to actively formulate any coherent thoughts on it. I disagreed (lovingly and jokingly of course), and we left it at that.

In the train itself, the same high dimmed into a simmer, the excitement replaced with contemplation, and I kept talking.

I told them: "I believe that this truly is his last film. This felt like a goodbye." And in return, they replied: "It's crazy how this is the last time we'll ever get to live in such a moment. The release of the final Ghibli movie in theatres.

"I'm glad we got to go."

I was too.

I got home, rambled about the intrinsic way The Boy and the Heron referenced other Ghibli movies to my online friends who had yet to see it. Followed by a heated tangent about how When Marnie Was There truly could have had better direction in regards to the narrative, as well as how Only Yesterday was the most boring out of all Ghibli movies. It was a nice night. I didn't think about the movie again.

The following morning, I contacted other friends, who told me about how Robert Pattison voiced the Heron in the English dub, which I hadn't seen or heard at all. He did a great job, judging by the trailer. This led me to another opinion, namely the video essay (I will try to find it and put it in the notes later if you are curious), which claimed something similar to this (of course, paraphrased):

"This is a farewell. The one true movie to tie such an expansive career. It is another movie where you are allowed to explore the magical together with the main character, while sticking close to the processing of it all."

The review I read said it was a swan-song, that it was the question and title of the movie in Japanese, posed at us, after The Wind Rises left it open to interpretation at the end of its run. That this was a story about the legacy that Miyazaki is leaving behind, how reality and fantasy coexist together, possibly influencing each other (not explicitly said but what I interpreted that review saying, so no this is also not completely like this).

Other tumblr posts I've seen on here say it was a film most likely dedicated to his son, Goro Miyazaki. That it was a gentle "I'm sorry, the shadow I leave behind is huge. I know that you will try and fail to fill it. It's okay; you don't have to. You can leave it behind. It's alright if this legacy dies with me."

Some other sources I've seen compare the main protagonist to Miyazaki himself, trying to grapple with the ending.

Yet somehow, all of these interpretations seem to fail to explain the entirety of this movie. The bigger picture if you will. These themes and moments and interpretations are not wrong, but to me, they're not satisfying enough.

Because maybe I am the only one who actually was insane about this moment, but I will never forget the delivery room scene between Mahito and Natsuko. How Himi addresses the magic stone, pleading to let the two go, saying "Natsuko and the boy who is to be her son". (Again, paraphrased, I cannot remember the exact line.) Maybe I am the only one who witnessed the whimsical fire witch and the going back in time plots and the fact that a younger Kiriko and Himi were there, already part of an ecosystem. How we already know from the other grannies in the house that Mahito's mother disappeared once for a whole year into the tower, and then came back the same as before. How the pelicans were BROUGHT there, that they did not belong there, and yet were forgetting how to fly. How they ate the Warawara, these creatures that were rising above to be born in the upper world. How the Heron's weakness was his 7th tail feather (or something along those lines), and how the fish and the frogs chanted for Mahito to join them in the tower. That the great-great-uncle was hoping for Mahito to succeed him and build a new tower, yet the king of the parakeets butted in and haphazardly did the job, resulting in it immediately toppling over, as well as the stones getting cut.

I think about the final scene where the Heron says "It's best to forget. Do you have any keepsakes?" And Mahito shows not only older Kiriko's figure, but also a piece of the stone paths they walked upon in order to get to the centre, the beating heart, the magic stone and his great-great-uncle.

How this is taking place during a war, that the timeline goes from his mothers death that Mahito cannot get over, to the welcoming of his stepmother and his new younger sibling. Them moving back to Tokyo. The way the tower completely collapsed. Completely and utterly collapsed and perished; not even a trace of it left behind. The way that older Kiriko keeps yelling it is a trap to Mahito in the beginning, but that both he and the Heron know. That it is inevitable to tread this specific path. That he must see for himself, whether his mother is truly alive. The way she both was and wasn't; first a mirage of her older self disappearing into a puddle of water, and second a firey spirit of her younger self coming to help Mahito. The way that he reads and cries at the book she left him, the way he hits himself with a rock after his big fight with his classmates; the way Mahito in general drowns consistently in the beginning of the film. He drowns in the fire that he lost his mother in. He drowns in the mud and the dust when he tries to enter the tower at first. He drowns in his dreams, in his tears, drowns right into his quest to find Natsuko (straight through the floor, by behest of his great-great-uncle), drowns in pelicans trying to eat him, nearly drowns in the actual sea until younger Kiriko fishes him out.

Now these things may seem like me just randomly naming shit that happens in the movie. Hopefully in a slightly poetic way, possibly. I could go on and on about the imagery, truly. But my point is, this movie may have been Miyazaki's last movie, his way of closure, his way of speaking to his son about his legacy, his way of describing the grief of losing his mother (idk if this is autobiographical or not. It very well may have been), yet...

Even so, it doesn't really fit the entire picture. It feels incomplete. The analyses always focus on the true meaning behind this movie, what happens behind the scenes, this one key climactic moment between Mahito and his great-great-uncle. But that's as if you would ignore the rest of the movie in general. As if the fantastical aspects weren't there to abstractly tell a story besides just being a symbol of closure for the person that directed it.

Personally, this is a tale of rebirth. Of losing yourself, and then rediscovering yourself in a way. I associate it with my own personal loss of my grandfather; the family member I felt closest to out of everyone.

The way you look back at such a traumatic stage in your life, something that irrevocably changed you for good, something that you probably don't ever want to relive again, but also mustn't forget. The way you instinctively are afraid to learn about who the person you love and grieve was, before you were in their life.

To this day, I still cannot speak to my mother about whether my grandfather had a favourite song before me forcing him to sing along with my favourites. A favourite book before he read out bedtime stories to me tirelessly. Who the boy in him was, and what wisdom and life lessons he carried on, into his grave, into the hearts of his children.

This movie depicts so much more than just grief, it's so much more than just legacy, even. It directly reflects the way I know I would have felt had I dared to actually see things for myself. If I actually dared to go through my grandfather's old things; the books he wrote and dedicated to me, the books he read when he was young. This movie depicts not how to live, but how to live on.

And the only way to live on is to move forward. To look at the foundations upon which it was built, to evaluate whether you truly want to have this be your burden to carry for the rest of your life. Mahito's abstract grief in regards to his mother, and the solace he finds in the fact that he at least knew who she was; that he at least had her in his life as both his mother and the girl that his stepmother knew, that at the very least he knows his mother would do it all over again, if she could. That despite everything, she did not regret a thing, and that she was not afraid. That somewhere, in the past, she lives on, happily marching toward this fate, because she knows that Mahito will be there to meet her again in the future.

And Natsuko, god, she worries relentlessly about whether Mahito will accept her. She worries to the point she yells at him, telling him that she hates him and his existence, because he rejects her so coldly and yet still bothers to show up in front of her during her most vulnerable moments. That he only takes and takes and takes; he steals her cigarettes in order to learn how to sharpen a knife from one of the servants. He uses those techniques to create a bow and arrow, a weapon. He gets into fights at school, he gets gravely injured on the side of his head, leaving a lasting scar.

If I were in her shoes, I would be furious at him too. Especially if he walked straight into the delivery room, trying to drag me out of bed while I was doing my damn best to keep the other child in my belly alive.

That scene, that sheer rage, and the way it ALL FUCKING SUBSIDES the MOMENT Mahito accepts her and calls her mother. The moment Mahito understands that through the literal whirlwind of plasters, things used to tend to wounds, none of those pleasantries/guards will truly allow him to reach her. The way he tries to nurse his own wounds, as well as try to nurse hers, over the loss of their shared connection (Natsuko's older sister, Mahito's biological mother), will NEVER allow him to make a connection with her. By being careful, by being polite, he will never get to be her son.

And he realizes, in that moment, that he wants to.

The magic stone tries to stop this. The magic stone dislikes disruption; dislikes things changing, dislikes breaking traditions (the taboo of entering the delivery room). The parakeets in the tower flourish because they follow the magic stone's whims more or less. They agree to follow its rules, even if it means they are prone to its abuse, because it gives them an advantage, a place to stay. The pelicans have to eat the Warawara, because there is no other food available to them.

The way younger Kiriko says "you reek of death", and how they establish this place is mostly made up of death and dead people. Dead people, or dying people, creatures that are begging to survive another day. Creatures that are begging to be reborn. That want to change, that wish to fly once more.

My mother once gave me a poem dearest to her heart. We have always been a family filled with literature and stories, but my mother was always the best at both writing them and reciting them. She used to read them out to me, back when I was in a particularly bad spot mentally, to the point I could not get out of bed for weeks on end, to try and reach me. She read with the sincerest passion in her voice, a small plea to get me back to the girl I was before.

I cannot explain or remember the poem by heart, but once I was at my true rock bottom, she told me to look it up. A Serbian poem, written by Miroslav Antić (I will add the name of it later), that was about growing up and growing into your own person. It made me weep, for it had a phrase I think I can only translate to this:

"Run and don't look back."

Somehow, whenever I look at all of these birds and creatures in this fantasy world, trying to fly desperately, trying to get to the skies, trying to get to even live, and think about the fact that the only way they can is by leaving this place. That the only way they can fly and survive as themselves is by leaving this tower, this stone, this foundation. By leaving and being born, by leaving and being reborn.

And, after all of this. Somehow I'm not even done yet. I haven't talked about the great-great-uncle in depth, nor the king of the parakeets, nor the heron whatsoever. I have not yet even touched upon what I might think the magic stone is, and the sheer amount of like symbolism I picked apart in my brain because of my insanity.

I'm probably not the only one who noticed these things. But so far I haven't seen anyone actively share these things, so, I will do my best to continue and genuinely wrap it up as best as I can. So that this can also bring the same amount of closure as the movie does.

The magic stone is like a shooting star that came onto the earth. It realizes dreams and worlds of whoever dares to walk into it and claim to own it; like how Mahito's great-great-uncle got obsessed and built a tower around it, caging it, taming it. And yet he still had to play to its whims, consistently making sure his own tower of blocks did not fall, that all of his work did not amount to nothing. Personally, I do believe the great-great-uncle could represent Miyazaki himself. That Miyazaki is trying to express how he built Ghibli and that now it has been going on for so long, and it has become unmanageable to continue upholding it. That it is time to retire.

A thing I find interesting and remember pretty well is the conversation between the parakeet king and the great-great-uncle. How they talked about Mahito's transgression, breaking into the delivery room (side note: he broke in and broke through to Natsuko with his mother's spirit. Mahito became Natsuko's son with the blessing of his mother; with the sheer love she had for him being carried on and through), and how the great-great-uncle says something akin to this:

"It is why I wish for him [Mahito] to succeed me."

"I cannot overlook such a transgression."

I feel this is important. It is key to how the great-great-uncle views Mahito in this. Because Mahito was not sent out on this quest to find Natsuko out of pure selfishness. Sure, his uncle would have wanted him to succeed him, but the entire reason WHY he believed in Mahito to begin with, is the fact that this boy was able to break the foundation and the traditions in the first place. Mahito inherently disobeys from the chosen path. Mahito inherently does not believe the Heron when he says that all herons lie. Mahito doesn't waver when the heron flies straight at him, he doesn't sway when the frogs or the pelicans overwhelm him. Mahito stands firm in who he is, even if he is trying to deal with new circumstances. Mahito inherently goes to places he should not be in (his curiosity for the tower). Mahito has enough power on his own to create a new tower, but only by rebuilding it from scratch.

This ready acceptance that the great-great-uncle has towards Mahito's decision NOT to inherit his legacy, is what makes me believe this is what this movie is supposed to represent. Break away from the old, off into the new. Closure. Moving on.

This is also reflected in the sentiment that Mahito truly DOES move on. He goes back to his family, his father, school, he goes back with Natsuko as his mother and a new younger sibling to Tokyo. He returns there where he came from, but he is not the same anymore. He is reborn into a new Mahito.

And god I feel like I'm repeating myself to death here; I really should have thought about the structure of this, but give me some slack okay. It's like 6:30 am already and I'm still not done, despite continuously writing and labouring at this.

So, the tower that immediately falls apart by someone who always follows the whims of a dream (the parakeet king and the stone respectively). God it is just such a momentTM. Because in the end even this shows that the parakeets, too, even though they by far had it the best in that goddamn tower, had to leave. For they could not build something on their own without learning who they were outside of the already established. Outside of just following the rules and all.

They had to leave, my GODDDDD.

As I'm getting progressively more unhinged, we shall move onto the most unhinged character in this entire fucking movie. The Heron himself. God there's too much to unpack here, really, but the truth is, the Heron was supposed to be the guide to Mahito. The Heron was supposed to be Mahito's biggest, most aggressive enemy, the direct antagonist to Mahito's protagonist. The Heron doesn't want change. The Heron tries to bribe Mahito with the fact that his mother is still alive, that he need only enter the tower, and lose himself to illusions and dreams. That fantasizing about his mother being alive won't only drown him more, that it won't just let Mahito sink into the deepest pits of his despair and anguish about such a death, that losing yourself to the belief that something is there when it is not wouldn't only be counterproductive. The Heron masks himself consistently; he says that all herons lie. He says that he only has one weakness, his own feather, that allows the arrow to automatically target him. In essence, the Heron shot himself in the foot beak. He himself slipped up in his mirage world, and came out to be who he truly was, this weird little man with a huge nose and a conniving demeanour. He adamantly cannot disobey the dream, for then his true nature comes peaking out (a small detail I absolutely love is the fact that the Heron's feathers also disappear out of Mahito's hands when Mahito is called back to reality by the grannies. The grannies protect him in the dream world too, by being his tether and support system while he gets over himself and starts trusting Natsuko). The Heron doesn't WANT to be a guide, for in order to be a guide, you must tell the truth. You'd need to know some facts about the world around you and share this information with the ones seeking guidance. This is how I believe Mahito understood the Heron before we did.

It's not that all herons lie; it's just that this particular one does not want to face the truth/reality.

Another interesting detail: the whole reason why only Mahito was able to cover up the hole in the Heron's beak was reminiscent about how only those that called you out can really patch up your old image. Only those that have poked holes in your false narrative are able to fill them back up again, and even then it is not the same, and even then it will not always be comfortable/reliable.

Either way, the Heron, after this wings partially turn into hands, his true nature, is unable to fly all that well for a while. He relies on Mahito's corkscrew thing in order to relish in his comfort zone of lies again. But throughout the movie, the Heron slowly starts to ignore the corkscrew completely; simply opting to stay in his (frankly, freakish) half gremlin man half heron costume form. The Heron changes because Mahito inspired him to change. Even though his image used to be spotless before, and he tried to deceive Mahito, after a while, he stopped doing that. The mutual trust both Mahito and the Heron had grew. The Heron became a person, although his heron-ness would never go away.

The Heron thus warns Mahito that he should want to forget. That he will forget, either way. That this struggle of his to grapple with the reality of his situation, and the fantasy that he was delving into, will become a far-off memory that Mahito should not revisit. The Heron, I believe, is genuinely trying to look out for Mahito.

"Don't dwell in what you have already overcome. Don't revisit the things you have already outgrown."

And this is where the movie more or less ends. Mahito still keeps that stone, and his mother's book, and he goes back to Tokyo; the only crucial difference is that he has overcome his own grief.

Now, I've said this like a billion times now, but this is the rebirth. This is what I think this movie stands for. What it means, at its core. This is what it means to live; to move on and to cut ties with that what has no place in your life anymore. Miyazaki, I think, is trying to give us closure, a final farewell to Ghibli altogether.

Now I don't know about any speculation that he might come back again, and personally, I don't think it really matters. If he does come back, good for him. I just don't know enough to say anything for sure, so I'll just say I cannot say.

Either way, I think, even though Miyazaki conveyed the need for a new start/a rebirth, he didn't really end on the complete abolishment of all that used to be. You are allowed to keep mementos of it; even though the Heron advises not to. Mahito is allowed to reflect upon this experience, to see it as another stone in his foundation/formation, to say that, yes, the spirit of this change will always stay with me, although it has passed.

Just like how Mahito's mom was someone who returned to the past without regrets. She never came back. She was a spirit that pushed Mahito forward, and he will always remember her, but it's better that she stay a memory than become a fantasy.

This is why I'm so impressed by this movie in general. I'm so thankful that I was able to witness this with a friend of mine. I'm glad that I was able to see this, even though my insanity knows no bounds, and the fact that I didn't even think about any of this until I really sat down to look through the options of interpretations.

I'm so glad I got to go. Now it's time to run towards the future, and never look back.

#the boy and the heron #genuinely what was I on actually #I can't believe I am writing this/have written this #Disclaimer: I am really just saying shit please do not take this as the end all be all or whatever; I just need to say it just in case.#oh btw this is DEFINITELY not meant to critique or dismiss any of the people that have other opinions than I do #I just needed to put my own interpretation out there #together with my few flourishes of storytelling here and there even though I'm not even sure if it makes any sense whatsoever #the boy and the heron spoilers #spoilers #I think like. there is so much more to be said about this. there is so much more that can be touched upon #without the repetitive stuff of unstructured “just wing it” (ha ha get it. because there's so many birds and flying metaphors in this.)#essays and shit like this #like I haven't even touched upon Mahito's father and the entire airplane thing that could just be a reference but also-#it could be a metaphor in how his father is trying to overcompensate and how he just wants Mahito to fly again so he creates and works so-#hard that he eventually just ends up being absent in Mahito's life.#which is sickening. (positive/bittersweet)#anyway I am still just saying shit. enjoy the??? idk essay upon essay upon essay of late night insanity.

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running-in-the-dark · 7 months

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okay I need to know this now. can't stop thinking about it (haha....) since I read that post.

so. you're supposed to just be able to stop thinking about things?? whenever you want? like. anything? even the really bad things? just. decide to not think about it anymore/at that moment/whatever??

#I'm being so serious right now I genuinely can't believe that's what that person meant #that's kinda. wait that makes some things my therapist said make a lot more sense. fuck is this another thing like when I thought my whole #life that people were speaking metaphorically when they talked about their minds eye and shit?#like. idk we worked on strategies to distract myself from some of the thoughts and stuff but it was always like. I was supposed to stop #thinking about whatever it was that was making me anxious and I didn't think it meant like. I don't know!! I don't know what I thought!!#I didn't think you could just not think about the really bad thoughts?! because. how???#I can do it with some things I guess especially with my anxiety meds but the bad stuff?? no way #personal

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kaikree · 7 months

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something that isn't talked about much when it comes to healing yourself is that it might end up killing relationships (both romantic and platonic)

and i don't mean that in a way that should dissuade anyone from trying to heal. i mean you are where you are, on a path to try and get better, to do right by yourself and take care of the child inside you and nurture the things that have been hurt and sometimes you look around and realize that the people that you used to stand beside are a half-mile back on the track, so far that you can barely see them

and you want them to be with you still. you know that if they can get themselves up this hill with you that they'll feel better. things can get better and it's hard but you're up here climbing a hill, you know that it's possible and they can do it too! they can climb the hill with you and look out at this great view

but

you can't move their legs for them. and no matter how you wave or cajole or promise that it's not as hard once you get into it, they will not move from where they are. and you can sit there and try to talk to them from afar, but the healthier you get the harder it is to yell back to where they're standing.

sometimes there comes a point that you have to turn around completely because the path they want to stay on will only leash you back to a lower point. and that's... not actually your fault.

and yeah that can get so very frustrating. there have been times in my life where while talking to friends who were in bad spirals i would get frustrated b/c no matter what i said or did it seemed like they were hellbent on staying exactly where they were no matter how much they hated it or how much it hurt them. i could sit down and walk with them through resources and venting sessions and so many ways to to get out of the place they were in and it just... repeated. in a cycle. at some point i had to come to terms with the fact that you can't help someone who refuses to take the first step to help themselves and sometimes sticking around someone like that is only going to keep you tethered to that mental state.

#chinhands #sometimes i wonder if you'd actually communicated with me that we'd still been able to be friends #this whole metaphor makes sense in my head but idk if it translates #and then the awkward sense of feeling like the other person resents you for not being as miserable as they are #or that they resent your successes when they happen #tbh i wish i could say that i chose to end that relationship but i wasn't the one to cut the tie #i just realized that when i finally #finally #told them that they'd done something that was hurtful #that it rebounded and became about how me being hurt was actually hurtful to them #i'd made so many excuses about not telling them when they were out of line or wrong b/c i could handle it #excuses of 'theyre going through things and im privileged so i can take it'#'but if i tell them that this isn't okay then i'll be responsible for what they do to themselves after'#which in hindsight yeah that. probably. should have been indicative of something.#it wasn't something they threatened or anything like that #it was 100% my own fear and knowing that if they spiraled i was thousands of miles away #with no way of contacting anyone near them or getting help if something did happen #relationships can go bad even when everyone has good intentions #they probably think i hate them but tbh i just wish they'd get whatever they need to pull them out of the hell in their own head #they're a good and kind person just stuck in the shittiest kinds of place

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robthegoodfellow · 2 years

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I was thinking about Billy and Max and how an abusive parent can affect sibling relationships and then I just so happened to scroll past a post about Zuko and Azula because tumblr knows my love for AtLA will never die.

What follows are some rambling thoughts fueled by an amount of wine.

Aside from the sudden need for an AU wherein Billy and Max are fire-benders, the parallels really struck me: how both Billy and Zuko were belittled, verbally/physically abused by their fathers in ways that made them feel like outcasts in their own families, that pushed them to hone their bodies into something that would lend them power, that led to their lashing out against others (Neil sending Billy out to find Max is a miniature version of Ozai banishing Zuko to find the Avatar). And then I thought of how their mothers abandoned them in abusive households. The only difference is Zuko had Iroh (and writers with souls. and brains), whereas Billy had no one (and shitty ass writers).

It’s been explored by others more effectively how Max showed signs of mimicking the abusive tactics she observed at home and used them against Billy in the fight scene in season 2, and that reminded me of how Azula perpetuated Ozai’s abuse of Zuko (obviously to a way more extreme degree). But then it made me rethink some assumptions I’d been making about Max… like Azula, she’s blunt and outwardly confident (or at least… abrasive?? which can read similarly!) when we meet her in season 2, using sarcasm/insults as her main mode of interacting with peers. And she’s a tomboy, seeming to reject “girly” hobbies and style of dress in favor of “boyish” ones… and if you compare those traits to Azula, and consider why Azula embraced and honed particular traits, it opens up the potential for a different read on Max.

A lot of people assume Max would have gotten flack at home for not being girly enough. But what if the traits we see in Max are ones that Neil had a hand in fostering, both by being a snide jerk role model himself, but also because Neil is a misogynist. (Like Ozai, he throws his weight around with his wives, demanding obedience and submission via sadistic assholery) Because there’s a reason why “girl power” trends of the 80s/90s involved girls/women acting more like boys/men, up to and including padding the shoulders of their powersuits to look like a linebacker... and it’s because femininity was perceived as weak and inferior. In that sense, it would track that Neil would approve of Max being a tomboy and being assertive and being snide… because Neil disdains anything feminine. Max being a tomboy is therefore good, but Billy exhibiting any weak or “girly” behaviors is cause for mockery and insults. Max is rocking that internalized misogyny that tells her she’s not like other girls, and Neil would have undersigned that shit.

JUST LIKE AZULA. Ozai groomed her to be just like him.

Max tells Lucas in season 2 that she doesn’t want to be like Billy. And that line hits a bit different when you consider the possible effect that Neil may have had on her perceptions of Billy and herself. That in order to occupy a position of power, you must act like Neil, or how Neil approves of… and whatever you do, don’t be like Billy.

But of course this only applies to season 2, because as usual, there’s approximately -5 continuity between seasons re: character development. (see: steve. robin. eleven. the other people)

#max mayfield #billy hargrove #abuse tw #it is entirely possible that this makes no sense #but i still want that fire-bender AU #eleven could be an air-bender #steve could be an earth-bender #idk why it just seems right #like you know how it's good to set controlled fires so nature can renew or whatever #that's what billy's fire could do for steve #metaphorically #whoops i made it harringrove #typical

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idontwanttospoiltheparty · 1 year

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not to parasocial on main but I Am Worried About Her!

#and the thing is. even if Joe cheated I'm like... like... I really think there is some Shit going on that like…#my point is she's reacting in a way that I think probably isn't healthy #and I get why! It's a huge traumatic trigger for her #but. also.#IDK I feel like playing up how terrible whatever Joe did or didn't do was just in a sense…#Like it could make HER feel worse about what happened to a non-productive degree #because he might've been very shitty to her but if she finds herself feeling more and more hurt because #she and the whole world keep over-analysing it. Yeah #and that's not to say she can't express herself on stage – but I think maybe people are over-empathizing in a way that's sensationalizing #and will ultimately worsen things #I'm worried she might be metaphorically primal-screaming is what I'm saying.#taylor #fiona.docx

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thedreadvampy · 4 months

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lady paaaaarrrrrtttttssssss

#red said #WHY IS MOMTAZ SO PURE AND PRECIOUS?????? PERFECT GIRL. MARRY ME TAZ.#however. look man ahsan fucked up and the fact that he was RIGHT doesn't mean he wasn't being a dick #however you know it's cute whatever #the Aisha plotline as well??? i can't think of the last time I've seen a mainstream show thread that before of like #it's an unfair expectation to put on your partner to come out if they don't want to BUT that IS something that you can like #work through together by holding your own boundaries. also idk man Aisha had such a shit relationship s1 I'm glad to see her happy #also REALLY liked how they just cut reality loose this season and went hard on the magical realism and metaphoric shots #ALSO ALSO that song at the end of episode 5???? with the absolute visceral horror of the censor buzz and distortion? sick af.#and really genuinely creepy like it was a big tone turn that still made a lot of sense emotionally with the story as a whole #and tbf like making a Muslim-focused punk TV show for 2024 release? there has to be some of that in there.#like I'm pretty sure they wrapped filming before October but there's definite nods at stuff like rwanda imo

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loserlvrss · 4 days

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𝐃𝐈𝐄𝐓 𝐏𝐄𝐏𝐒𝐈 ( 최산 )

pairing : choi san x fem!reader genre : drabble, [ MDNI 18+ ] smut, established relationship warnings : unprotected sex, petnames, exibitionism, language word count : 0.9k authors note : the lipstick just felt right idk

a soft sigh left your boyfriend’s mouth, and you pressed another kiss to his shoulder—right above his collarbone. his hands gripped your bare thighs, possessive finger prints sure to be left when the deed was done. his head was thrown back, adam’s apple bobbing with every gulp.

your head leveled, admiring the stains your lipstick made against his sculpted upper body. he was beautiful, but san swore he’d never seen something more ethereal than you above him. he’d be happy dying right now, inside you. which was arguably his favorite place to be.

“fuck, baby.” you whimpered, clawing at his abdomen as you lifted and dropped your hips in a steady rhythm, “we’re shaking the car so much.” a breathy laugh cascaded from his open mouth. “leaving nothing to the imagination.”

“let them watch, then.” he smirked, your insides clenching just a bit harder at the sight—and thought. “i’m the one fucking you, aren’t i?”

you felt a sense of relief at the thought. yeah, he was. no one knew you better. ruined from the inside out by the most perfect man you’ve ever called yours.

but it was still midday, the sunshine glistening over both your skin. the windows were fogged up—clichely—the humidity making a drop of sweat roll down your sternum. san fought the urge to lean in and lick between your boobs, watching through hooded eyes.

“actually,” you braced yourself, speeding up just a little bit. a hearty moan left his throat, as you gulped your noises down. you pouted, “i’m doing all the work.”

“are you?” he asked, a sudden sense of competitiveness mixing with the lust in the air, “i know you can’t cum like this, angel.”

“fuck o—“ you rolled your eyes as his hands grabbed your ass, assisting your fleeting attempts to keep you both satisfied. “g-god.” he lifted you just enough to still be shoved deep inside you, thrusting up into the spot that kept your vision blurry.

your cherry-red nails wracked over the lipstick marks, smudging them. you were a mess, metaphorically and not, and it coated him in love. he’d never been graced with someone as beautiful as you. never someone so innocent looking, but so goddamn devilish. you had him wrapped around your fingers with the webs you spun, but there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

he would live and die with you, that was for certain.

you bit your lip, trying your best to be quiet—because after all, you were in a public park. yes, your windows were tinted, but by how much the car was moving, it wouldn’t be hard to plainly see what was happening on the leather seats.

his fingers gripped your jaw, leaving your lower half for a moment. then, his thumb ran over your bottom lip, dragging the color across them and to your cheek.

it was hot. everything was hot; the sun shining through the windows, the early september, your boyfriend's intoxicating gaze and ways. the way he felt inside you and as his hands roamed your skin. he was hot. borderline burning.

you were out of breath, using whatever was left in you to tell him how close you were to coming undone.

“yeah?” he asked, humming as he leaned up to capture your smudged lips in a kiss that somehow left you even more breathless. you panted against his mouth, and he smirked so devilishly well that your stomach twisted impossibly tighter. “i told you baby, we both know what you need.” he was right. he knew you so well. every little thing that got you going, and made you stop was his to read and memorize.

“s-san—oh my god.” you spewed out between moans (that you didn’t even care about anymore). “fuc-fuck, baby, please don’t stop.”

“i wasn’t planning on it, princess. this was just the warm up.” if you were half a mind you would’ve laughed, however you were on the brink of the most earth shattering orgasm you’ve ever felt brewing. and he knew that, only adding fuel to the fire. “go ahead and cum so we can get home, fuck this date, baby, i need you seven ways to sunday, right now.”

you came, hard, and then so did san, stilling you both as it got overwhelming. you pecked his skin to ground yourself, leaving behind traces of red that were barely noticeable now that your lipstick was everywhere but your lips. his chest rose and fell with an unsteady rhythm, keeping lodged inside of you—because that’s how you both liked it.

enough time went by that the windows were beginning to become see through again, and you huffed, the reality sinking in. his head leveled from being thrown back—just letting you nip at his skin—giving you a confused look.

you pushed off his chest, staring down at him. “it’s hot.” you admired your art, getting a little worked up at the thought of another person seeing the stains you’d left, “and you’re a mess.”

but, you wouldn’t let that happen.

“yeah, it is.” he used the back of his arm to swipe his lips, not really doing much to clean them. “and you’re not much better yourself, angel.”

but, somehow you’d gotten here, disregarding the small sandwiches you’d made earlier and the diet pepsi that was going flat as it warmed in the trunk; prepared (almost 30 minutes ago) for a cute picnic date with your man. but… you guess, you’ve never actually felt fuller now.

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earthtooz · 1 year

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x : HEART LIKE YOURS :*+ﾟ

in which: rin is drunk and incredibly infatuated with you. so much so, that he wonders what he did to deserve someone like you.

warnings: 1.1k wc fluff, minor angst, rin is a little insecure + fully drunk, he definitely has fallen harder for you btw, gn!reader, isagi cameo, deep metaphors or whatever idk i'm writing this depraved of itoshi rin.

a/n: kaneshiro bring rin to me this instant or i will go wild.

Itoshi Rin is in love. He is so in love that it makes him feel sick and woozy and dazed and he doesn’t know when the world will be able to stop spinning on itself, but somehow, his feet have taken him to your apartment. Excitement rests at the bottom of his stomach at the prospect of seeing you, yet a locked door is the only barricade that prevents him from seeing you, and Rin wonders if it was rational of him to kick it down.

Just to see you, beautiful, enchanting, flawless you. What would you be doing at 1am on a Friday night- or is it Saturday morning?

“Oh, hey guys.” Your voice echoes through his mind, sounding distant yet so close at the same time that it causes him to look up from the floor. Although his vision is hazy and his eyes are a minute away from drooping closed completely, he sees through the thick of it. You are clear and radiant in the centre of his attention, just as you always are.

Before he can spout the words that his lovesick heart longs to express, a voice beside him interrupts, sounding like someone similar to Isagi. Rin thinks he should shut his mouth because how could he care about stupid, lukewarm Isagi when you’re right in front of him, though?

“He’s drunk and asking for you,” Isagi excuses.

“I’m not drunk,” pours from Rin’s mouth instead, grumbled and petulant. He hears a giggle slip from you and instantly, his gaze returns to you, owl-like and unwavering.

“Come on in then, thank you for bringing him here, Isagi,” you say and Rin vaguely feels himself moving into your space. Your scent floods into his senses to give him a rush of euphoria; a sensation that only intensifies when he hears the door click close and feels your hands run through his hair.

He’s on your couch, slumped over your pillows, melting into your touch, and devastatingly in love as the manifestation of all his affections and desires stands in front of him, blissfully unaware of the turbulence in his heart. Do you know? Do you know what you do to him? How you make his heart beat with enough might to light up the city? How he finds himself tripping over his own feet just to make sure that it’s him by your side and not some other lukewarm idiot?

“Rin, wake up,” your voice gently breathes and like sheep, he can’t do anything but obey. “Looks like you had a big night. Are you tired, baby?”

“Yeah,” he mutters, deceivingly apathetic as your hand settles on his cheek. Here, you push him a little to look at you, displaying his flushed face and slightly-flattened hair to you.

“Don’t fall asleep on me just yet, gotta make sure you’re not too intoxicated.”

The athlete persists, “I’m not drunk.” I’m happy, he thinks.

“I’m so sure,” you laugh him and his love off and a part of him lurches with the need to prove it to you. “I’ll get some water, sit tight and I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t leave me behind,” Rin demands, voice sounding out like a whine, much to his chagrin because he very much means it. But you’re laughing and you don’t think that he’s being serious. You’re laughing whilst he’s practically tearing at the seams, unable to hold back the love he feels for you lest it drowns him.

“I’ll be gone for ten seconds top.”

“Ten seconds too long,” retaliates the sulky dark-haired. “I don’t need water, I need you.”

When Rin is drunk, the alcohol fills him with courage to say things that he never could have otherwise. If he could see straight without needing to concentrate on doing so, he would have witnessed the dumbstruck smile on your face, completely and utterly enamoured with the cold and calculating soccer player.

If someone had told you that the Itoshi Rin would be acting like a fool on your couch in the future, you would have laughed in their face and walked off. Yet it seems like you’re the fool now.

“Saying you don’t need water is a bit of an exaggeration. Just let me get you a cup and I’ll be right back.”

Rin’s hand latches on to your wrist, so strong and unrelenting that he doesn’t know why you don’t pull yourself away from him, to put space in between you and something so wretched, but he doesn’t complain as his thumb caresses your bone. “I’ll come with you then.”

“You won’t.”

“I will.”

“You won’t.”

He is stupid enough to stand up, determined and alive, whilst you’re panicked and worried, exclaiming at Rin to sit back down and not be so brash. You manage to placate him when you tell him that you won’t leave and instead, take the spot next to him on the couch, legs pressed together whilst his hand still encompasses yours.

Oh, to be with you til the end of time.

“I take it that you had a good time with the boys tonight?” You ask, making small talk to kill the time. “Seems like you went quite overboard.”

“I’m better now that I’m with you,” he hiccups, blinking slowly as his gaze never falters from you. “Prefer you… over some idiots.”

You laugh, throwing your head back against the cushions and Rin wishes he had a camera to capture this moment and tuck it in the crevices of his heart.

Truthfully, Rin had gone out tonight to soothe the heartache that your love for him made him feel, for what had he done to deserve it? He has you in his life and he finds that the most remarkable feat, above all his trophies, numerous World-Class achievements, and other accomplishments that make him the famous Itoshi Rin. Falling for you was as natural as scoring a goal, but you choosing him was not.

Itoshi Rin is unpleasant. All bite, sneers, and crude language with no softness to mould space for anyone to come into his life- until you. But what is stopping you from finding someone else who could do that too? Not only that, but could do it better than him?

“I love you.”

It’s a soft confession, not at all dramatic or showy as the three words diminish in the atmosphere. The fleetingness causes something restless to settle deep in Rin’s gut, thrashing and wild because the magnitude of his affection for you could never be expressed in merely three words. However, the way your eyes light up will forever be ingrained in his mind as you whisper back a soft ‘I love you, too’, taming the turmoil with overwhelming ease.

Then, the best thing ever happens: you throw your arms around him, warming him inside out with your touch. Naturally, the athlete circles himself around you too and he fears the day that he has to let go, but until that moment comes, his heart rests peacefully with you.