#idk just proud that i am financially okay enough to do that and not struggle

[your-thighness]

i made my bro in law cry on his birthday

[plexippusangel]

Jesus my mom was literally gloating yesterday about finding opportunities to make me work to make ends meet bc "we're not a family that gives support for free" meanwhile she's not even paying me minimum wage and she has given my sisters SO MUCH for free and I'm not saying they should get less but I would like some too maybe? I did give her a look I could not pretend to be civil about that.

Like what the fuck. Who deserves it if not me??? I was changing your youngest child's diapers when I was FOUR YEARS OLD and you used to brag to your friends about how responsible I was for doing that. They all wished they had a kid like me to help out!!! I deserve back pay honestly. Some of my mom colleagues were talking about how it makes sense that my mom isn't letting her grown daughter living with her help with the laundry since the kids always do it wrong, meanwhile I was doing the majority of the laundry in the house from the time I was 12, and I just had to laugh that shit off. Oh, I was getting yelled at for folding my dad's socks and underwear wrong, but I was doing the damn laundry.

I had to beg for money on tumblr to get money for doctors' appointments for the infection that fucking disabled me. For six fucking months, I repeatedly had to wait until I got enough money together AND could beg someone to give me a ride with that shit festering just because I was working and my parents didn't think it was fair to give me money when I??? Had a job too??? Yeah my student job where I was spending all my money buying food on campus because I didn't have the strength to cook for myself because I had a fever for months on end and was dissociating because of the level of pain I was in. I had professors stocking food and ordering food for events that they knew nobody would eat just so they could send it home with me because they could tell I was struggling. Oh, and the rest of my money was going to groceries my sister would eat with her eating disorder that my parents did nothing to treat. And tuition, since my scholarship and financial aid covered almost everything but I didn't get any help with what was left.

If my parents didn't have the money, I'd get it, but they fucking do. I almost wasn't ALLOWED to apply for FAFSA because they didn't want me seeing how much money they made and feeling betrayed that they put all their cash into big house instead of college fund.

Idk. I'm just angry because there is so much shit that I deal with where I can see exactly where it came from and how it could have been avoided. I could be healthy right now. I could be driving my Subaru around taking my kayak up to the late on the weekends in summer, cross country skiing in the fall, out and proud, maybe with a gorgeous partner, maybe not, but in another life I could have been so, so happy.

And I do okay for myself! And I love myself! And I am proud of where I've managed to get myself even when it feels impossible but what the FUCK

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[countjason]

Jason’s 8th Annual Post/Pre-Year Review/Goal

Last year, I didn’t do this so is this 8 or is this one again?  Maybe’s it’s 7?  Idk…let’s assume it’s 8.

I forget why I didn’t do this since I’ve been pretty good over the course of the decade in both setting goals and reflecting, both good and bad on the outcome of those goals.  I couldn't give you an answer why 2018 was so different than the previous 6 years.  For good or bad, these entries are the only ones I do and maybe the last on Tumblr now that the platform may be dying due to porn.  Either way, I will reflect in the best I can given I didn’t set goals for 2018 and start anew with goals for 2019.

2018 Reflection

Work

2018 was hard.  It started strong with the new position at my new job as a scheduler.  I soon realized, however, I made an ill-made choice.  I can't say it was a "bad" decision because, at the time, I wasn't happy on what became of me being a configuration, change, release manager and the prospect of me being a project manager was slim with the ongoing fight between our contract prime and my company at the time.  The decision to leave seemed easy since my current company had a pay increase so, hey, follow the money right?

Well, six months in and I began to grow tired of the sheer boredom of the job.  Here I go from running a major project, flying to Germany to work with the customer, addressing changes and being active (though be it not what I wanted  to do) NOW basically perform statuses once a month and learning nothing new.  It’s almost to the point where I think I’m forgetting some skills like my SharePoint knowledge since they don’t use that tool at all and caught in their own ways (and anytime you try to change or show them a better way, you’re immediately dismissed).  

I can pinpoint the exact day that started the ongoing job hunt. It was not after I graduated - no, it in September 2018 when my company posted a position for a project manager and I immediately inquired to my boss for which I was told I don't have enough experience for the role.  Not enough experience?  How the heck am I supposed to get experience when I’m not mentored, spinning in my chair picking my nose half the month and told there’s nothing else I need to do or I’m not physically doing any aspect of the job to gain said experience you want in a project manager here?  Do you really think I would leave you hung out to dry or wouldn't know where to ask for help should I needed it (which was likely)? Are you so concerned with your company image that the slightest ignorance in any area is a death sentence?  Here I was familiar with the protocol the company did for financials, scheduling, and other areas that I learned over the course of nine months but because I wasn't an engineer, I was told they wanted to more likely recruit talent from a competitor and more engineering minded despite the fact all the previous PMs had little to no engineering experience at all.  Mind you this was after graduating with my master’s degree in Project Management, have more certifications that are gold standards for my line of work, and just having a background in previous project management type functions and keep in mind folks - a PM is not necessarily the subject matter expert, they are what keeps the project rolling so you really don’t need to know every aspect of a program, just who to talk to and where to look.  

They made me a “Deputy Program Manager” after this conversation but the bulk of my job has been the same as I started...  

It didn’t help they screwed over one of my only friends I barely made at my company and he quit. I’m horrible at making friends and I respected this guy because he was one of the few people that valued my input and didn’t treat me like a high-school intern (“ok children, today we’ll learn what a work breakdown structure is…”).  

Now to continue and conclude with the job topic because this horse is beat’in to death (Sorry, Not Sorry PETA), I will say that the outlook VERY recently is looking good. I have a few more interviews between a couple more companies and hopefully, I can land where my talent is useful.

School

I graduated college in 2018 the 3rd time.  

This time with a master’s degree in project management as I previously mentioned.  It was never my desire after graduating in 2011 to go back to school but in 2015, after watching Caitlin struggle with part-time work and full-time school, I wanted to set somewhat of an example in that you can work full-time work and school and get done with things.  Fast forward to 2018 and I’m done with that and Caitlin is still in school.  I am proud of this accomplishment since the 21-year-old Jason would have never believed I’d have a master’s degree.  

There's some internal vindication for all those Navy Officers that were "better than me since they were Officers" or Chief’s that said “leaving the Navy would be the worst decision I ever made” that I now have a higher education than over half of them a decade later.  They say revenge doesn't feel good – they are full a shit or I'm messed up.   I got to fly my parents to Maryland to witness the graduation in person so at least I know they got to see that.  I did enroll at Columbia Southern University in 2018 to work toward my DBA.  I finished all my prerequisite classes but had to put my school on hold due to the expense of Caitlin's school doubling on me. More on this in 2019 goals.  I’m looking to start that back up in the summer if all aligns properly.

Entertainment

If there’s one thing that I like to do these days is follow NASCAR.  I turned into my father but don’t hate it really.  Here’s me running at New Smyra Speedway this past past weekend.

Unfortunately, when it came to going to NASCAR races this year, we bet and lost on rain occurring in Atlanta (we ended up getting a cat named “Rain De’Lay” as a result and I watched the race happen on TV even though every weatherman said it was going to pour!) and Dad got sick this year and he couldn’t come to the Roval race we planned as well. We did plan the Bristol night race in 2019 so hopefully, I can have that.  Caitlin was a trooper for going to the Charlotte race with me which I know she didn’t overly like which was expected...

BUT…she did go camping and see the north which leads to later this month in us going to the Asheville area of North Carolina for Christmas vacation. If there’s one time in my life I want snow to happen it’s coming up here soon.

Also in entertainment, we had mini-adventures that’s needed – I went to St. Augustine overnight hunting ghosts (or talking to a lamp) at the British Pub’s upstairs apartment.  

Worth noting but technically out-of-bounds for this topic is Caitlin and I went to New Orleans LATE December 2017 (so almost 2018). I also rode in a boat during the Gasperilla festival which is a whole new level of experience.  I am curious to know how many water balloons we will have this year?

We went to Daytona several times this year including our annual family stay at the timeshare and mini-getaways as recent as last week.  We also explored Washington DC and Baltimore during my graduation trip.

Okay – now planning/goals out 2019…

Get a new job – This one is important since 90% of my waking existence is at a job.  If I’m not happy there, it’s too my core and I’m not happy in general.  I wish I was better in this area since Caitlin works in the funeral business and has a better appreciation toward the little things but it’s still a thing since it is 90% of my waking life and I’ve worked since I was 16 yrs old.   I would obviously like to get paid what I feel I’m deserved too – not just get a job to get away from another job.  

Vacations – I have a cruise planned in May which is almost paid for and I would like to eventually go to Las Vegas.  I wouldn’t want to go to Vegas without a little money in my pocket, but we’ll see.  I also have the Bristol night race in August which represents the final bucket list race I could want to do with my Dad.  Does that mean I’m done after Bristol? Probably not but I could certainly wish my Dad off should he die knowing I got him there, Talledega, Daytona, Homestead, and Atlanta.

School – I got a long way to go for a DBA but I’d like to get the main classes started in 2019.  I gotta wait until money isn't so tight or there are options like tuition assistance but I'd like to get started in that.

Find more friends – A lot of my friends 8 years ago I don't really relate to now.  I'm simply not the same person. Those people, in most cases, are the EXACT same people and we don't relate.  Going back to 90% of my day with work, I need to find work friends but certainly not at my current job where everyone I work with me is 20 years older than me or are unsociable.  I mean it can't get any worse than now where I have a co-worker literally 5 feet behind me and insist to communicate primarily through email.  Even if it's not "work" friends, I need friends that have the same goals, likes, and what not.  That's why I like people like Eric or James– they have ambition in areas I like today. I still need to find a NASCAR buddy too but that’s surprisingly hard.

Health – Anyone that says getting older doesn’t suck can blow me.  I know less than 5 years ago, I could run in the morning and had gym buddies which motivated me.  Granted I was walking around like I was crippled half the time afterward, but it was fun.  I really don't have that same motivation these days.  I still go to the gym periodically but not as I used too.  I joke about my fat head so maybe in 2019, I'll find that extra gas in the tank and while I've accepted not being 180 lbs again, maybe just looking better which will make me feel better as well.  

Financially working in the right direction – To get my house, I had to use retirement money.  To fix the carpet that got destroyed in Caitlin’s library, I had to use more.  I have quite a bit of old debt and new debt that is higher than I like but there’s always been this assumption that I’m just waiting for the right job to pay me what I deserve, AND Caitlin will finally pull her weight since I support her. Once one or both those things happen, we will be able to work off that debt and maybe see the chances of retirement….eventually.  

Potentially Move? – Given the job prospects, I’ve been looking at opportunities to leave Florida. I am so over “hot, humid, high of 100” every-freakin-day.  Part of the upcoming North Carolina trip is to expose Caitlin to the cold. If she tolerates it, the option to move up north is more present. I mean hell, our house is an igloo anyway.  Even still talking about moving north, moving east in Florida has the same possibilities. I know 2019 may be too soon given the dependency I have with Caitlin but given the right situation, it’s entirely possible.  

Help Caitlin – I could jokingly say “well this is a huge project” but I don’t mean it like that.  She’s been fighting her demons and I’ve been helping.  I would also foresee myself assisting in her passing her classes and exams she needs to take but that’s really all on her and if she asks for it. In all, I just hope to continue to be a good(ish) role-model and help when I can.

Iracing – 2 more to 10…geez, we’re hitting the bottom of the barrel now.  This is just a hobby, be it an expensive hobby I built up, but I hope to continue doing well in the game and not get bored with it lol.  It’s just too expensive to not.

House Upgrades – I would like to upgrade the floors in the man cave and the bedroom in 2019.  This is a lot of work and shifting of things since I have the master bed which is huge in one room and the racing rig and desk in the other.  I have the supplies sitting in the corner collecting dust waiting to be done, but I would need to shift so much around to do it, I’ve told myself it can only be done if we move.  We’ll see, not putting a lot of hope in this one but it’s number 10 on the list.

Well that’s 2019′s plans for you and some reflection on 2018.  Talk to you next year Jason (and anyone else that reads my rhetoric). 

[mental-health-advice]

Submission about working

I’m 27 and I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I can’t hold down a normal job or live on my own and I feel like a burden on others often. I’ve been working hard to try and support myself independently. I work from home as a ghost writer (mostly romance novels) and I do alright with it. I work every day from nine in the morning till six at night and I only take one day off a week. I’m proud of how much effort I put into my work. I can write 30,000 words a week when I’m doing well. I still have bad days when the anxiety and depression make working difficult or impossible, but for the most part I genuinely think I’m working as hard as someone with a ‘real’ job. Unfortunately, the people I live with tend not to agree. I’ve lived with multiple people who just think I’m playing on my computer all day. They’ll talk about how I don’t have a job, or interrupt me repeatedly while I’m working, complain that I don’t do all the housework since I’m home all day anyway. It’s nerve-wracking for me because I’ve been thrown out before and I’m constantly afraid they’re going to decide I’m too much of a burden and tell me to leave. How can I make people understand and respect that even though I’m working from home I am working, and working hard?

Hi lovely,

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA. Firstly I just want to say that i’m really sorry you struggle with GAD, but I am so proud of how well you are doing right now, you are achieving so much and that is incredible - I really hope you can be proud of yourself too <3

What you have described above is something I like to term ‘jobism’ (idk if that’s a real thing but it is in my head!) I faced this a lot when I was at sixth form applying for university - I was at a private sixth form where 95% of the students where applying to Oxford or Cambridge, or going to do medicine, dentistry, or law. I am currently at university studying forensic science, just at a little quaint uni in the UK. I used to face a lot of criticism from students, and teachers alike, about how that was a waste of time and how i was never going to get a real job out of it. And I cannot explain how angry it makes me. 

If your job is something that you love and is supporting you financially, then there is nothing wrong with doing that job! Something I try to point out to people is that if people stopped doing these jobs that they deem ‘irrelevant’ or ‘lazy’, then some part of our culture or society would fall apart. If wonderful, creative, clever people like yourself stopped writing literature, we would lose a massive part of our culture - people would have no books to read on holiday, no magazines to read on the way to work, no stories to read to their children at bed time, etc... I think it can be quite easy to forget what an impact someone’s job is having on the world when it isn’t something super crazy like being a politician or joining the army etc. But every job has it’s worth, and every person has their worth and the right to do any job they want that makes them happy. 

I also think it is worth pointing out to the people you are living with that there are different types of work; white collar, blue collar, and pink collar working, for example. Some people have very physically taxing jobs, such as manual workers on construction sites or waitresses in busy restaurants. Other people have emotionally draining jobs in customer service for example on helplines or in a call centre. And other people have mentally draining jobs, like yourself! Although not physical and you are able to work from home, writing is an extremely mentally draining process, especially when you are working such long hours. 

One of my favourite quotes is: ‘’If we define human worth and value by the amount of money a person earns, then we are truly lost for one has nothing to do with the other.’’

What i’m trying to say, if you excuse my little rant about ‘jobism’ here, is that you are doing an incredible job, lovely! I admire how hard you are working and everything you are overcoming, and I really hope you are proud of what you are achieving. Something it may be worth considering, is spending some time with your housemates and maybe showing them what you have to do everyday for work - maybe explain to them the hours you work and the processes you have to go through and plan to write? Just please know that you have nothing to be ashamed of and you are doing a great job!!

In terms of managing your anxiety there a few things you can do. Some simple self help tips would be: avoid caffeine, make sure you’re getting enough sleep, do some easy exercise such as Pilates, keep a mood journal. Here is our page of self help methods for some more inspiration. To help you with calming down when you feel anxious, breathing techniques and mindfulness are really effective. I also really recommend progressive muscle relaxation -  this is where you slowly start to tense each muscle in your body individually, and then feel that tension flow away. Start with tensing the muscles in one foot for 10 seconds, then move onto the other, and then make your way up your body until you feel more relaxed. We have some more suggestions here. Furthermore, distractions and grounding techniques can be really good to stop you overthinking a situation and to keep your focus on reality. I find something that keeps my hands busy can be really useful, such as playing an instrument or knitting, something like that.

I hope this has been of some use to you, lovely. We here at MHA are really proud of you, and hope you continue to feel proud of yourself too. Please remember you can always get back in touch with us if there is anything else that you want to talk about. I hope you are okay!

Take care, Rhiann xo

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

just... idk.

i feel like there’s just so much swirling around in my brain right now and idk what to do with all of it so this is just going to be a brain dump of all of that. not that any of my other posts are anywhere near cohesive or organized but i feel like this one is going to be in a league of it’s own mess wise. 

i’m just falling further and further back into what i can see is going to be another week long depression where all i do is stay in bed and numb out with binge watching tv shows and eating my feelings or not eating at all or a combo of both depending on the day/hour and i don’t know how to stop it. like i’m waking up later and later each day and staying up later and later at night and not being productive until later in the morning because i’m physically tired but not anything too bad but it’s the mental exhaustion that’s keeping me in bed as long as i’m there and what’s keeping me up at night too because it’s easier to stay on the couch and watch another episode vs getting up and getting in my bed and watching it there while i fall asleep at a reasonable hour so i don’t feel as much like shit in the AM. i think it’s a subconscious thing where i feel like i can’t get up and the depression is what’s keeping me on the couch at night like how it normally does during the day. like yesterday after my workout/lunch, i was tired which is normal but not where omg i need to take a nap tired so i set an alarm for 30 mins to give me time to relax but not get too comfy where i don’t leave the couch all day. then i got under a blanket and cuddled up with the big ugg pillow thing that was on the couch from when i was vacuuming and ended up spending 3 hours trying to sleep (vyvanse wouldn’t let me fully fall asleep). so much for what was supposed to be a super productive day... AGAIN. like if it’s once in a while, that’s fine because i’ll know i really need the rest but day by day it’s becoming a lot more resting and a lot less of doing stuff - not even like working out stuff but just movement in general where it feels like i just give up on the day so early and not even for like a good reason and it’s not like i actively decide like okay today’s a rest day, i’m just going to chill. it’s like something that just gradually happens as the day goes on where i’m like oh i’ll workout later, later, later, until eventually it’s 9pm and i’ve done nothing all day and just give up. that’s the annoying part because i’m not even like making the conscious decision, it’s like my brain is telling me yeah we’re totally going to get up in 30 mins when that alarm goes off when really it’s like laughing at me because it has no intention of getting up and just keeps telling me what i want to hear so i’ll feel better about it and will stay doing nothing like it wants. i just feel like i have no control over anything anymore and i just don’t know what to do to “fix” that or to regain some sort of control. for a few weeks at least i had my diet and workouts figured out and they happened no matter what mood i was in and even if it wasn’t the walk/run i had planned on doing, at least i did yoga instead so it was some kind of movement and that was fine with me. but now i can’t even get myself to do yoga or anything because i’m too numbed out watching the closer all day and i can’t be bothered to like hype myself up to do anything because subconsciously i know my brain has no intention of following through on that. i normally wake up most days with some level of positivity even the day after i went off track but the last few days i wake up and i’m immediately like ugh. not ugh that i’m alive or anything but just like ugh i have to do this all over again because i know i’m going to have to fight the same mental battles to do even the bare minimum or less of what will make me feel good about the day or something like that. idk how to describe it but i know what i mean. it’s more like to put my type a self at ease like okay we were productive enough to satisfy that part of my mentality. when i’m like this just everything feels like it takes so much more effort than it normally does and combine that with a brain that’s actively trying to push me to the numbing stuff vs the positive stuff, it feels like i’m just stuck in a loop of shit day after shit day where all i’m doing is fighting the same losing battle with myself over and over again. i know being cooped up in my apartment all the time isn’t helping but at the same time, i can’t get myself to go out and do anything other than walk down to publix because i’m out of food. i’ve had money for 2 days already and i haven’t gone to target yet... that’s how you know i’m struggling. that’s why a part of me wants to go find a part time job to ease me back into leaving my apartment and driving somewhere on a semi regular basis again instead of diving head first into it but at the same time i know i’m nowhere near mentally okay enough to bring the stress of learning a new job and pushing myself to leave the apartment right now so i feel stuck. i think that’s also why i liked doing the outdoors workout as part of 75 hard because it helped me practice getting ready and leaving my apartment and going out into the real world every day without the added pressure of having to do anything but just walk which i enjoyed doing. i also hate how much i have to baby myself right now and it’s so beyond frustrating for someone who saw herself as a strong, driven person who could take on anything and now i have to hype myself up to do the simplest tasks and i just hate it. other than the obvious reasons why i hate it so much i think it’s also triggering something in me where i had to do the same thing with like my workouts/activity because of the lyme/migraines and it’s putting me bac in that mentality of being a victim - not that i’m playing the victim but more like how i have to adjust my life and hold myself back because of things that are out of my control that are what’s actually holding me back and i can’t just fix it or put my head down and push through it like i normally do with other things. i really do feel like a victim of my mental health issues and my lyme disease and the fun side effects that come with it like migraines, etc and i hate it because then i feel weak because of the babying that has to happen because of it and because i can’t just power through. i also feel like idk damaged and pathetic which i know isn’t fair because these things are out of my control but i still just feel like it defines me because of the limitations it puts on me and how in my head how other people see me as the “poor lyme girl” or whatever and i hate it because that’s not who i want to be or am meant to be. that’s why up until now i’ve lived in spite of the issues i have to deal with and use the sicilian stubbornness to put my head down and just power through those struggles but now i feel like i’m too mentally sick to do that and i feel like i’m losing that part of my identity that i’ve had for so long and one of the few parts i was really proud of and now it’s like i have nothing left of my identity. like depression has taken away that part of my identity and now even things like working out that used to be such a huge part of my life and such a positive thing for me has now become something associated with the issues i’m dealing with - having to hold back how intensely i can workout because of fear of getting a 3 day long migraine if i push it too hard or get too hot or being too physically exhausted afterwards for 3 days where i can’t do anything else. the more annoying thing is that i’m already working at like 50% intensity of where i used to be and even then i’m having to watch out to not overdo it and how easily i can cross that line and i just feel so fragile now and i think that’s what’s pissing me off the most. to lose my identity as a mentally and physically strong person who everyone was amazed was still standing let alone working like 40 hours with all the extra unpaid hours i put in and then went and worked out really hard and lifted heavy weights and even the level of intensity of my workouts were impressive for a “normal” unsick person let alone someone who almost died from lyme disease and had the highest levels in all of CT and has even had daily infusions for months on top of so many other rounds of treatments to kill it and now i have to worry about the up and down motion of bodyweight lunges or crunches is going to trigger a migraine and god forbid i’m not in a freezing cold climate controlled environment or else my lungs are going to freak out and trigger a migraine. that’s the word i was looking for before - fragile. that’s what’s pissing me off so much about this. i’ve fought so hard to be the strong person despite my issues and that was my identity for so long and i thrived by using that to push me and now that that’s gone, i just don’t know who i am anymore. i lost my identity of being the fit girl who could do all these amazing things in spite of the shit i had to deal with that was out of my control and now i feel like i don’t have anything left so it’s like well who am i then? and all i can come up with is the fragile sick girl who’s mental/physical illnesses define her and limit her and are in control of her/her life and that’s what i fought so fucking hard for so long to not be defined as and now it feels like all of that effort and fighting was worthless because i ended up that girl anyway. the logical part of my brain knows that this phase of my life isn’t going to be how the rest of it goes and it’s just one chapter of my life but right now it’s hard to see it ever changing and god just the thought of that just makes me so sad and hopeless. like i don’t want to die - i really don’t - but i’m dreading living if this is what’s ahead of me for the next like 50+ years. plus what am i going to do when my mom can’t financially support me anymore? i just don’t think i wanted to admit this to myself and now that it’s out there, it just hurts because now it’s real and i can’t ignore these feelings anymore. i know that i want to actually feel my emotions instead of numbing them but fuck this sucks. again logically i know it’s not going to last forever and i’m going to figure it out because the mentally and physically strong, driven person is who i really am and that will prevail over all of this other bullshit but right now this just fucking sucks and i hate it and i just want to skip to where i’m past this and back to the real me, not the sick me. even if i have to deal with lyme for the rest of my life, that’s fine but it’s this major depression and anxiety bullshit that i can’t live with forever because it’s ruining my life. not only now but it’s ruined from like 17 on for me and those are the best years of your life where you figure out who you are and the life you’re going to have and here i am at practically 30 years old and this is where i am in life and it’s not even about comparing myself to others or where i “should be” by now or anything - it’s more that i know the window is closing on certain things i want to happen in my life like starting.a family. i’m already low energy now so imagine me at like 40 chasing around.a toddler... it’s shit like that that really fucks with me because i know i won’t be the best parent i can be and won’t be able to give my future child the best life it could have if i’m constantly stuck on the sidelines because of my illnesses and that just breaks my heart because that would just suck and because now that i’m older i’ve realized that i do want to be a mother and yes i know adoption is an option but not for me. unless i physically am unable to have kids or there’s a risk to their health or something, i want to have my own kid (s). nothing against anyone else obv but it’s just not what i want and i know the clock is ticking on that even being an option so i have to find someone to love me and not just like going through the motions for the rest of my life “love” but like real, true, what movies are made after kind of real love and with how low my self esteem is and how guarded i am and all that other bs, i’m honestly worried i won’t find it and then i’m going to die alone or in a miserable relationship that doesn’t live up to what i want for.myself that i’ll resent and that just sounds miserable and i don’t want it. 

ugh there’s still so much more to go into but i think i need a break. 

[sanguinesprout]

It’s been ever so rainy and cold lately... (gloomy feels and stuff about money, re-motivating myself and general updates)

I’m... gnnrgh... I’m sad. And confused. And tired. And feeling quite hopeless once more, why must it be so? Man, this sucks :<

I feel like I don’t know what I ‘m doing again and even though I know there’s stuff to do I keep distracting myself with pointless things and driving myself crazy with all the conflicted feelings and anxiety inside... The bouts of frustration and migraines are cropping up and spiralling outta control like nobody’s business and beating my down so badly ;^; 

It’s just there’s too much cooped up in my head. Too many things to worry about, too many things I want to say and do but I feel I can’t because of the fear trapping it all in and the pressure just continues to build up and it hurts and feels so constricted in my head, my heart and just everywhere. I wish I could gather my thoughts and just get things under control and running smoothly like other people can but it’s just so hard and so exhausting just trying. 

I need to stop and refocus myself, calm my mind and chest, c’mon I can do it..! I’m struggling now but I’ll be fine, I’ll find my way out of the storm and I’ll be able to see and breathe clearly again, it’s going to be okay... so don’t worry yourself so much, you're trying and that’s enough... *hugs self*

Welp... ran outta time to write and it became the next...next(?) day. Time meaning space to be all secretive and weird contemplative as my sis came home and I didn’t want to feel on edge. Why am I like this...? :< 

I got real sad again later, thinking and being reminded of my much less than ideal financial situation and joblessness got me in such a low mood. The loneliness and want for attention or some kind of reassurance or help kinda crawled out and just sat there too. Money is such a troublesome thing, I regret the times in the past where I whittled it almost completely away by frivolously buying unnecessary amounts of things of interest (probably to try cheer myself up). The happiness from material items is only temporary, fleeting and quickly forgotten. I’m such a wasteful person in so many ways orz. But I’ve learned from my mistakes! (Mostly... kinda... lol) So that’s something! :D

I’ve really been wanting to buy a new phone because mine is so old and dysfunctional in too many ways to list and I’ve been suffering with it for half a decade because I didn’t want to waste money or for my parents to waste their money on me. There were a few times in the past and even recently where I had a chance to get a new one or few times I did purchase a new phone but swiftly returned it either because I felt guilty about it or it just wasn’t right cause I’m so damn nit picky. I don’t want to keep waiting because I have done it so much already, waiting and missing opportunities... I don’t even know how to phrase what I’m trying to say or what even I am trying to say .__. 

Some people don’t even have a phone at all, it makes me feel like such a spoilt and horrible person but it really is in need of replacing... It’s just I don’t have an appropriate amount of funds or that I am aiming for something of the calibre that I don’t need but just want. If I had that new and functional phone I feel like it would bring back some of my lost motivation and give more opportunity for me to try harder to grow my skills also. Photography and other creative skills, social skills, those kinds of things which I’ve yearned to improve but lack the equipment or means to carry out. I bet I sound so damn ridiculous right now, I don’t even...

Right before my eyes my sister got a new phone, she’s had a few in the span I’ve had one, but it’s true, she can afford to because she has a job. I’m happy for her but I know I am envious too, not just that she has a phone, but that she has a job, that she’s not scared to try or to put herself out there etc etc. Also when someone really wants something and has been holding back but someone else just gets it right in front of them, it just idk it kinda stings and brings on those nasty emotions. Everyone tells me to get a job and then I can spend or save money, and of course I know this too. It sounds so simple to them and even to me sometimes and I just wish I could but there’s so many health factors and stupid fears holding me back, it’s so hard. I’m so weak... But, I can’t give up trying, I’ll get there someday.

Anyways enough of that, I’ll figure it out, it’s not of major importance right now. I worry all the time about being a burden to my family financially, we’re definitely not well off in terms of money or health or anything and I don’t want to bring anymore strain to it :< Those whole few sections of garble were so negative and gloomy and unimportant. I feel like such an ass... but this blog is here so I can vent and write out my real feelings... it’s okay... it’s fine, it’s good to do so, keep going..! ><

*Le few days later* Uh... uh what was I saying? @.@ Lolol I was originally gonna post on the day after my first therapy appointment but then I got lazy/avoidy and thought I’d wait till after the next one, but then I changed my mind again and welp, now the next app is tomorrow, oh well xD

*le even moar days later* Hah! Now it’s been another whole week... mega ||ORZ...!!!!1 I remember I was going to write about how the therapy went but I think I’ll put it in a separate post just to keep things more organised and less lengthy, makes sense mmm k! I’ll continue with my other misc updates I guess ^^

Welp, I got a new phone... Though there’s that niggling feeling of guilt still there (especially since my parents will only get handy downs from my sister to save money), I’m glad I was able to do so and I’m very thankful to my family members that helped me obtain it both financially and physically. I chose one that is on the expensive side, but not too bad in terms of other phones on the same level which are considerably much much more pricey. It’s one that feels like great value for the spec it has and I hope it lasts me lots of years without messing up, I have a bit of a curse when it comes to technology lol. 

I can do all sorts on it which I couldn’t do before, from some of the more basic stuff to some cool new stuff, it feels really refreshing but makes me kinda nervous too. I can actually download and use the tumblr app there, I’m hoping I can make use of it now that it is finally functional and easily accessible. I want to make a lot of good memories with it, snippets of daily life with my family, some creative stuff, whatever I choose to do online with it and that kind of stuff C:

In terms of life skill improving/adulting these past weeks I actually cooked my first sort of dish all by myself! It was fish cakes ^^ It was when I went to my sister’s house again for some more crafting time. I was actually having a crappy day/was in a super low mood that day (which got worse being in the same environment as last time) and actually had a bit of a breakdown on the journey to the supermarket to get ingredients. Idk... I was just so hesitant and scared and avoidant and got into a bit of an argument with my sis who was driving and all the sort of thoughts that had been bringing me down lately just surfaced again all at once and I tried so hard not to but the tears just came busting out.

I cried so hard and so pathetically and while I know it is not a bad thing to cry and rather a good one to let things out I just didn’t want to feel so weak in front of my sister or in front of shoppers that may pass by in the car park. I know... crying =/= weak but feeling so emotionally vulnerable, it just sucks. I didn’t cry for too long even though the intensity of my sob-fest one was one of the strongest I’ve ever had, because I still wanted to go in, get my ingredients and cook my first dish. I wanted to do this to prove to myself and my parents that I’m capable, I can learn to be independent, that I’m not useless... I’m not, I won’t be, I can do this!

My sister encouraged me and comforted me, telling me stories of when she had also cried in the car during stressful occasions with her boyfriend or with dad. I want to mention again how grateful I am to have her, even though our lines get crossed and we stress at each other a lot, she is there for me and I want to be there for her too when she needs it. It was because of her that I have the opportunity and the boost of motivation to try cooking something on my own.

I sat in the car in the corner of the car park (which she kindly moved to by my request) and when I had calmed down enough and wasn’t so puffy we went in and looked for the ingredients together. When it came to getting fresh produce I also learned how to use the labelling scale machine by my sis’ instruction which felt like something great too! ^^ I mean it probably sounds super lame and straight forward but if I was on my own I probably wouldn’t of even tried or had a bit of a panic. Idk... I just feel like for new things, witnessing someone’s demonstration or instruction is much more helpful and I’ll feel less like I’d make a fool of myself.

Okay so I got the stuff and then I made it following a brief internet recipe. My sister left me to do it all myself while she did her stuff upstairs after getting out all the necessary equipment for me so there wasn’t really much pressure unlike what it’d probably be like if I did it at home. It did take me much longer than I though it would but I was very careful about everything and as I am a noob I did make some small mistakes, but I was proud I did it! I wonder if my parents were too..? 

I finished cooking them at home (which my mum wanted my dad to do for me but I was adamant on doing it myself) and my parents tried one fish cake each over supper, though it was not perfect they were not mean to me about it which was nice. I thought my dad might be more critical and at first I thought he was a bit annoyed at me but I think he can see my efforts and how excited about it I was. It was fun and it has given me more motivation to try something else next time. I’m glad I tried, pursued something and competed it even though I was trying to get out of it last minute. I’ll give myself a pat on the back, because I did it! :D

I also went to visit my grandma with my family yesterday, which is something I have not done in probably a year or so. That’s kind of one of the other things I think about a lot and am also kind of envious of others about... I am not close with any of my relatives and it feels like a chore for my family to visit or be visited by them. I wish there wasn’t this language barrier or this physical and emotional distance between me, my family and my relatives, it blows.

It was nice seeing her and she had a good chat with my parents (though mostly random negative health stuff and gossip) and little with me and my sis. I noticed my mum doesn’t seem that close with her, look at her much and only chipped in to conversations at times while my dad generally was the one to initiate and continue the chatting. It feels... Idk... it makes me sad of course. But I wonder if it is because she doesn’t like seeing her mum growing old and living on her own, that it reminds her she is also getting old which is always on her mind too as well as it just being that way. When we were leaving I hugged my grandma, it wasn’t a proper bear hug or anything, just a pat on the back loose gesture because she probably didn’t expect it. I’ve never hugged her before after all, but I wanted to and no language barrier can get in the way of it. My sister followed and did the same too. It brought back an element of warmth and closeness which fizzled out when I couldn’t converse earlier. I want to spend more time with my family and relatives, I need to try harder.

Though I feel as if I haven’t done much on the surface, these things I did recently to do with family and therapy felt like such big and meaningful steps and I hope to continue even more. Also I said I was going to post stuff that I made to my main blog and to other places a long while back and and I have been hesitating and holding back out of fear and uncertainty non-stop. Well, I’m gonna start doing it for reals real soon. There’s no rules and there’s no need to overthink it, it’s just a place to store my progress and memories in essence but in a slightly more open space. I have the material, the means and I’m gonna try my best to grasp onto the motivation, I can’t keep excusing myself for those any more and I most certainly can’t let my silly fears win! 

I should probably get to writing my therapy posts and getting all my other important health things done and organised too. C’mon I can do this! I came on and continued writing this post even though I was struggling and scared to, another one should be a piece of (sour but refreshingly zesty lemon) cake! *salivates*

Mmm...alrighty, off I go! >:D (Maybe some lazy time first though my eyes huuurt @w@)

Have a nice evening and keep kicking butt~! ^^

[bitchin-lesbian]

flower crown fairy lights daisies 1975 matte black nail polish pantone moodboard stars plants converse lace handwriting cactus sunrise oil paints overalls combat boots winged eyeliner pastel tattoos piercings bands messy bun cry baby grunge space white bed sheets old books beaches eyes 11:11 painting lightning thunder storms love clouds coffee marble >:D

:Flower crown: today

Fairy lights: will i ever fuckin Stop

Daisies: i got out of my fuckin hometown of 600 people. thank gods. 

1975: i taught my brother to dab the other day, v proud big sister

Matte: maybe i’d change a few things, but not too much

Black nail polish: eh, kinda. I want to travel to other countries, learn as many languages as i can, and meet at least 1 famous person

Pantone: my roommate is fucking great. she puts up with my bullshit and my depression and anxiety and my poor broke ass and my complaints. she's fuckin hilarious and great at drawing and is funny and beautiful and i would fuckin die for her in a heartbeat.

Moodboard: some parts were good i guess.

Stars: fuck i dont even remember the last time i cried

Plants: my roommate @iceychuu cuz she can point out constellations and other awesome shit

Converse: buddy i have an oversharing problem, literally anyone that shows an interest in me and my life will have to listen to my strife and sufferings

Lace: my friend Jonathan, he’s a good buddy of mine

Handwriting: i think it would be to my brother, i’d say something about how much i loved him and how proud of him i was, and that i wanted him to do amazing and i’d be there in ghost form to kick anyone’s ass that dared to fucking try to hurt him.

Cactus: listen. brown eyes. they’re fucking gorgeous. omg. s o pre tty.

Sunrise: ‘Aut viam inveniam aut faciam’ ‘i will find a way or i will make one’- not exactly a quote, but close enough since im too lazy to find one of my faves right now. im gonna fuckin push my way through any struggles i have whether i gotta go down a given path or beat my way through.

Oil paints: ‘I Got 99 Problems and I Am 87 of Them’ or ‘Allow Me to Seduce You with My Greek Mythology Knowledge’ or ‘You Probably Think I Can’t Get Any Lower, but I’m Taking That as a Challenge, Bicth’

Overalls: pay off my tuition, make myself financially stable, make the family members i care able financially stable and pay off their tuition, make my friends financially stable and pay off their tuition, and probably just make people’s fuckin day by buying clothes or food or things people need for people that need it. maybe id build a fucking monument flipping off Donald Trump.

Combat boots: im so fucking forgiving its ridiculous. sometimes i wish i could be less forgiving.

Winged eyeliner: Buddy listen, you’re bi. yes, girls are hella pretty, and yeah sometimes guys are okay when they aren’t fucking terrifying or stupid as fuck. this is normal, relax. also, fuck everyone in town, they don’t matter. quit basketball, focus on yourself. dont try to die. harrison is not as perfect as you think he is. dedicate your life to weightlifting, you’ll feel badass and strong. cut your hair, you’ll be amazed at the difference. don’t be cringey. you’re cringey. you’re a fucking loser, so is everyone else. pink is a good color, and makeup is cool too. let girls be girls. don’t try to die, lol.

Pastel: i think i’m more punk? idk i don’t really like many pastel colors very much...

Tattoos: i fucking love tattoos and piercings? i want them so bad and i think they are very fucking attractive.

Piercings: no, makeup is expensive and I've got 0 clue what the fuck im doing. also id rub it all off. and it kinda irritates my face.

Bands: Bring Me the Horizon was my favorite band for a long ass time because their songs made me think ‘holy shit this is a normal feeling; other people feel alone and tired and sad and shitty like me too, someone understands’ and yeah

Messy bun: We are destroying the human race and the planet with Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and the others that are trying to destroy shit, and we need to fucking get our shit together. Or, Stop killing off the LGBT+ characters.

Cry baby: I've been to two Jonas Brothers concerts and one Demi Lovato concert. i dont think i was older than 11 for any of them, and holy shit i was in rapture.

Grunge: Dwayne the Rock Johnson. He could literally write ‘what’s up’ and i’d probably frame it and look at it every day

Space: not really, i’ll work anywhere as long as i’m comfortable

White bed sheets: get pajamas on, get in bed, get on computer until i wanna sleep

Old books: that i kinda hate them lol 

Beaches: im thinking a pink color, or maybe a dark ass purple or blue? keep it styled how it is now, longer on the top, shorter on the sides, whatever.

Eyes: my roommate, my friends Josh, Nicole, and MJ, and @dxrk-sxxls​ and as for where, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ wherever the fuck we decided i guess lol this would be an Adventure

11:11: stability, death, and the death of Donald Trump and Mike Pence

Painting: SO IN FUCKING 6TH GRADE I MADE MYSELF INTO A CEREAL KILLER. I WAS A BOX OF CEREAL WITH A BLOODY MACHETE AND NO ONE UNDERSTOOD MY COSTUME AND I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED AND SAD.

Lightning: *finger guns* sucked a dick. i was kinda in a horrible mindset and was hoping he was one of those dangerous strangers that would kill me but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i am still here.

Thunder: hurt my brother.

Storms: this is vague, like the song/person would be there ALL THE TIME, or just whenever i wanted to listen to music or interact with a human being? Mr. Brightside or my roommate

Love: nope, lol

Clouds: i already rock short hair

Coffee: legit i just get a caramel macchiato or a cascara latte, i dont even care who orders for me, even if it gets fucked up as long as theres no mint in it i do not care

Marble: surviving

@dxrk-sxxls i did it bicth

[chaosthatsmellsgreen]

TL;DR: thank you so, so much for taking the time during pride to tell closeted lgbtq+ folks that it’s alright to stay in the closet if they need to for some reason, you’re all that keeps me from daily emotional breakdowns this month <3

full post about my june experience under the cut

i’m so happy for the people who find relief in pride month. it’s great to see stories of people coming out, people celebrating their (often hard-found) identities, and be proud of who they are. i’m happy for them, yes - but i also envy them

i know who i am. i’m rather certain about how i identify myself when it comes to my sexuality: i consider myself demisexual, and while i wonder every so often, i keep remembering the first time i discovered demisexuality and the realization of “that’s me, that’s me!!!!! :o”

and i’m not ashamed of who i am either, and i wrote quite a lot about it on this blog before. i struggle with other aspects of myself often, depression and anxiety still nagging and nagging, gnawing away at the back of my mind, but not this. because why would i be ashamed of love?

so i know who i am, and i’m not ashamed of it. what is there to be envious about? i should be enjoying pride month like everyone else, right?

but no, nope. i’m not enjoying pride at all, because i’m still in the closet. and yes, it is kind of bothering me the rest of the year as well, but throughout the month of june it hits me in the face, every day, every single time i go online, and for some reason this year it’s much worse than it was before. still in the closet, still in the closet, years and years and still in the closet and it just circles and circles through my mind.

i’m in a loving relationship with a guy, i have no “need” to come out. i plan the rest of my life with him, so i shouldn’t ever have the “need” to come out. and, like, i don’t actively lie about my attraction to people other than men, it’s pretty much just a lie of omission - “yeah, she’s really nice” might equal “yeah, i could see myself falling for her” without the other participant of the conversation knowing.

anyway, that’s still censoring myself, because i COULD just say “yeah, she’s so pretty and nice and i wanna take long walks with her on a beach and gaze at her while she thinks i’m also watching the sunset above the ocean”

(well if i wasn’t in a relationship, but you get the point)

and yet i don’t. cuz most people around me think i’m hetero, and in hungary, that pretty much equals that everyone thinks i’m “””“normal”””” including my family and probably most of my friends. i’m not in the closet with everyone in my life, thank fuck, my boyfriend knows (made sure before we ever became a thing, i couldn’t have lived with someone who doesn’t), my best friend knows (there is nothing about me that she doesn’t), my sister in law knows (i HAD to tell someone in the family, i couldn’t take it any longer, and she’s very open minded and i trust her), and two other important friends (one of whom is also lgbtq+, afaik she identifies as bi) know.

but i wish i could tell my mom and my brother, i wish i could just be casual about it with the people around me, i wish i could mention it if the occasion called for it the same way people mention their hetero attraction every now and then in conversation, i wish i didn’t feel like some undercover lgbtq+ agent sitting around hetero people and pretending that their *just* homophobic comments (you know the type that’s really hard to call them out on because they truly believe it’s a joke or the ones where it would take hours to explain *why* they’re being homophobic) don’t affect me. i wish i could talk about my bi friend’s girlfriend without referring to her with gender-neutral terms (although it is much easier to do in hungarian) for fear of my relatives or my other friends being weird about it and i wish i wouldn’t be worried i might slip in front of someone who doesn’t know and make a comment about a girl that can’t be taken in a hetero way

and in addition to all of this, i feel like i don’t have a place in the community at all. i’m hetero-presenting (is that a thing?), settled in a hetero-looking relationship, so the people who loudly celebrate openly gay couples don’t seem to care for me. i don’t participate in lgbtq+ community activities and i don’t go to pride partially because i don’t have the time, partially because, like i said, still in the closet. AND i’m still. in. the closet. the one lgbtq+ friend i have (that i know of) always feels stand-offish when the topic comes up, because *she* was an active participant of the community, *she* is in a non-hetero-presenting (still dunno if that’s a thing) relationship, *she* goes to pride, while i’ve only ever had boyfriends and i keep feeling like she thinks i’m less part of the community than she is because of all this. (not to say it’s what she actually thinks, i am a ball of anxiety and doubt, so i may just be reading all of this into her reactions without these actually being her thoughts)

i technically don’t rely on anyone other than my boyfriend (financially), so in that sense it wouldn’t be dangerous to come out (which i guess already makes me luckier than many other lgbtq+ folks), but i’m worried what it might do to my relationship with my family. and i don’t think i’d literally lose them completely (i like to think they love me more than that) i’m terrified it might put a strain, an unnaturality on our relationship. and it’s the same with friends, i want to be able to be comfortable mentioning stuff that pertains to my non-heterosexuality without worrying that smiles might freeze on faces and all of that but i’m just… too scared. of losing the few people i have, of ending up alone, idk, it’s hard to really put into words what i’m actually afraid of.

everything, pretty much. anxiety is a Bitch (™)

and then, after i’ve been through all these emotions fifteen times in a row scrolling down my dash, i run into a cute turtle telling me it’s okay and it just helps. So. Much. that in spite of all of this, all that i feel about this, there is some random person out there telling me it’s alright that i’m not out yet, even though it’s pride month, people reblogging posts assuring closeted lgbtq+ folks that coming out isn’t an obligation, weird usernames vehemently agreeing that coming out doesn’t just happen once but it keeps happening every time there is a new person who doesn’t know yet, and all this reassurance puts me back on track a bit. and these feelings are still there, i still worry i’m not non-hetero enough, that i’m not actually part of the community, that i could do more, say more, be more if i had the courage to be judged for it and lose the people who are judgmental about this stuff, but it really just soothes me so much to know that i’m not the only one, and with everyone celebrating pride month and coming outs and all that, there are others who wouldn’t exclude me and who are willing to take a moment or two to let me know that at least i don’t have to worry about their judgments.

i guess that’s all. kudos to you if you read through this dumb ramble <3

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

me again

so it’s saturday morning and here i am laying in my bed, feeling so beyond physically exhausted and it’s so frustrating. to be fair, i didn’t fall asleep until late last night (like 3am late) so i’m not surprised i’m so dead but that doesn’t mean that my type a self is okay with feeling so useless. i know i set stupidly high expectations for myself but after being horizontal due to stupid vertigo and stuffing my face for a week or more, it’s just becoming even worse. yes i know there’s zero way i could be working out since i couldn’t even be upright for more than a minute without dying and i’m sure could’ve used the diet break but as always i just went off the deep end with my eating and regret all life decisions. i’m just frustrated AF with myself for doing that when i know how badly i want to get to my desired body and honestly more than that, how badly i want to feel good again in my skin. I don’t feel like myself when i’m this “fat” (which i know i still have a mostly flat stomach when i’m not eating shit and i’m not actually fat but i feel bulky and huge because of the fat on top of the muscle makes me look so much larger than i am and not in a good lean with muscle kinda way) and it’s so hard to like idk feel good in general when i don’t feel like myself. like when i’m on track and making progress i feel strong and on top of my shit and motivated and like i could take over the world. when i’m not, i feel like shit mentally and physically, zero motivation to workout or eat well, eat my feelings and make things worse, and just overall shit. a part of me is like i need to love myself at any weight and be more accepting of my body and honestly i am to a degree but i know that i could feel so much happier at the other weight. it’s not even about a number on the scale or 100% just about looks (a good amount is i’m not going to lie but it’s not 100%) but when i look good i feel a sense of pride and success and strength that makes me happy. it’s not oh i’ll only be happy when i’m leaner because i’ll be hotter or whatever, it’s what making progress and being consistent does for my mental health and less about the body at that point and that’s an added bonus. especially since the move is quickly approaching (i’ll get to that in a second), i don’t want to move to nashville feeling like shit about myself when i’m going to need all the mental strength in the world to deal with the move and being alone in a city where i know like one person kinda and not being so close to my mother and my family and my dog and jumping head first out of my comfort zone in every aspect of my life and finding a new job and all that. the last thing i need is to be super preoccupied about my body and feeling like shit when it’s my time to thrive and start a whole new life. plus i’m going to want to try all the restaurants and be social and go out with new friends and that’s going to include lots of country girl’s at Lukes and the nachos at Jason Aldeans aka lots of extra calories/weight. plus i might be working a job where i get to sit down all day so i’ll be less active on top of that so it’s a recipe for weight loss disaster. i want to get there in a body i’m proud of and don’t have to worry about so i can focus on the much more important parts of this whole new life experience. i’m going to do a separate post about my weight loss goals so i can look back at it when i need motivation and to remind myself why i’m doing this when all i want to do is quit because those moments are way too often right now and have been way too easy to fall into and i end up back to like 175lbs aka now. again, i know i’m going to have setbacks where i can’t workout because life happens or i’m going to go have those nachos or wings or whatever but i can’t let that and the fear of that control my life. i just want to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle where i don’t NEED to count macros and get to a body where i can maintain that relatively easy while still enjoying my life and all that it has to give. i’m tired of my body/fitness consuming my brain all the time and it being so strongly linked to my mental state. i just want to break free of the hold that it has on me and feel good in my body. now i know that also dealing with depression and anxiety and disordered eating habits/body image and lyme have a huge impact on my mental state and are all fighting against me but i’ve been letting that be my excuse more lately to not stick to my goals while claiming it’s “self care” when yes, some of it is but not to the extent that i’ve been taking it. it’s also not helpful having OCD/type a-ness and seeing everything as black and white, either on diet or falling completely off, working out hard and killing myself in the gym vs. laying in bed all day and not moving for 24, 48 hours. i’ve created this cycle of that for myself and i’m sick of it. i’m so ready to break free but i know right now with everything going on with packing and the move and all that is not the time to try to start a whole new lifestyle switch but i also know that’s also me using that as an excuse to stay the same. the annoying thing is that it’s not my conscious brain deciding that it’s okay to use that as an excuse, it’s a subconscious thing that i feel like i can’t control and it’s my own brain working against me in another way. i’m just struggling right now with my body image and mental health and i’m so tired of this whole cycle i’ve put myself in so many times. the highs just make the low points feel so much lower and i feel like they’re becoming more frequent and lasting longer. to be fair, i’ve also dealt with a lot the last few months health wise - really bad lower back pain, winter allergies, vertigo, having the cyst, having surgery to remove the cyst and the recovery time afterwards, lyme, pushing my body too hard after staying in the same .4lb range for 3 months and trying to push past that plateau, and more that i can’t think of right now. so like yes there were limiting factors but at the same time, they’re just excuses. did i need to stuff my face every day while i was home recovering from the different things? no. did i? yes. do i keep doing it over and over again even though i always regret it and feel like shit all around when i do it? yes. shit’s so frustrating. i just want a healthy relationship with my body/brain and food and exercise. like is that really too much to ask??

i know i said i was going to talk about the move but now i’m in a mood because i’m actually letting out my feelings and letting myself feel them which is hard when you’re so used to keeping them all in and having this facade of nothing bothers me, i have no feelings, i’m fine, this is fine, everything’s fine. the problem is that i have so much going on in my brain and my life that once i start typing and letting out a little bit, everything comes flying out and i don’t have the time or the energy to get through it all. like here’s just an off the top of my head list of things i need to vent about/need to work through:

the move - both the physical strain and the mental strain

work things - frustrations with the current and the terrifying thing of finding a new job when this one is all i’ve known for 6 years and i’m ripping my safety blanket out from under me and lighting it on fire pretty much

nashville - the move itself, starting over with friends, job, apartment, lifestyle, gym, being the new girl alone in a city with no close by support system, moving away from my family for the first time, dating in a new place

past love life - mistakes i’ve made/they’ve made that i won’t let myself let go of and let define me and just in general

current love life (or lack there of) - feeling alone/being alone, being scared to get back into dating especially in a new place after so long since i was too scared to do that in the city/area i’ve lived in forever, feeling like i’m too awkward to date and that i’m so messed up mentally and physically that i’m not good enough for anyone that i would want and that i’m going to die alone

future - uncertainty of a career, family of my own, success, being a self sufficient adult and not a financial burden on my mother

body image/relationship to food/etc. - pretty much this post but more deep and really pulling the deep dark thoughts out of places i didn’t know existed so i can deal with them

feeling hopeless that i’ll ever be successful in any category of my life - if i can’t even lose weight, why would i ever think i would be able to have a happy relationship/good career/good support group/etc

feeling lost and alone and like i’m screaming out for help to anyone who will listen but not wanting to be a burden on them or be vulnerable and let someone in and have them reject/hurt me or give up this facade of i don’t have feelings and i’m totally fine when i’m not at all

yeah so as we can see i’m all sorts of fucked up and i know that each one of those topics has like pages and pages of words and that’s just the initial post let alone the ones after when i start to actually deal with them vs just getting it out at first. so just thinking about that is overwhelming so i just don’t deal with anything and that’s how i got here in the first place so it’s just a lot. i eventually want to do more posts that are more edited and more helpful to others who go through the same shit but right now all i can do is just word vomit and i know i won’t be of any help to anyone because i’m still going through it and have no idea on how to fix this so it would be the blind leading the blind but they’re both like blackout drunk and stumbling around lol. i feel like the scene from mean girls where the girl is like “i just have a lot of feelings” and i feel like everyone else is damian going “she doesn’t even go here” because i feel so alone and like different than everyone else and so in my own head that i’m isolating myself and making it that much worse because it’s not just in my head that i’m isolating myself because i actually am. oh god this is a whole other rant that i want to get into but i don’t know if i have the mental strength to fully unpack right now. i’m going to end this post because it’s already ungodly long and you may or may not see that posted soon after this one. i love how i say that like anyone follows this or knows this exists and is going to be looking for that post. this is pretty much me just talking to myself like a crazy person. whatever. i’ll be my own audience lol. okay goodbye.