#idk man I'm tired and queer give me something

[genderkoolaid]

hi! your blog's been encouraging to me as a trans guy, but i've recently felt that i should no longer call myself that/should just "go back to" being a girl, and idk if my train of thought makes any sense...so i just wanted to ask someone w more experience (but feel free to ignore this rant/call me out if im not making sense btw)

so yeah, my cousin's been out to me as a (binary) trans man for a few years now, and in trying to find understanding, i came out to him a few months later, but got a very flat/kinda disgusted reaction. despite my consistent support for him over the years, he has continued to "joke" about my looks/short hair and dismisses any attempts at serious conversations or even just jokes about gender/being a guy too. he also calls me things ive told him makes me uncomfortable (gender-wise) and then acts like it means nothing. he generally brushes me off by telling me to stop trying to compare myself to him, and is either prickly about it or just in-your-face "idgaf what you're talking about and i'm tired of you." it barely hurts me anymore, but ive felt connected to trans-ness for so many years (longer than id even known he was too) and his reaction to this part of me has honestly made me wonder if i'm just making it up/am trying too hard or something,,,like maybe i'm just trying to cover for being a gross 20-somethings woman ?? idk ?

i'm probably just being over-sensitive, and i dont feel it's outright malicious or anything (maybe he just doesn't think/care about it as much as me?), but i have nobody else to ask (no irl friends/people im out to) and i'm currently renting/living with him, which has brought these worries to the forefront. thanks if youve read this far, but please don't feel pressured to respond!

Your cousin sounds like he has a lot of internalized transphobia he's directing at you. Unfortunately there are trans people who try to prop themselves up and make themselves feel more confident in their transness by tearing down others. You are not being over-sensitive, and regardless of what he thinks he's doing, he's actively being cruel to you. You are well within your rights to be hurt by his actions. Living with someone who is constantly being transphobic to you is traumatizing- detransitioning can be a coping method for those who have to constantly defend themselves from transphobic abuse.

If its possible, I would recommend trying to see if there are any queer orgs in your area you could connect with (physically or online). At the least, you may find some people who can give you emotional support, and they also may be able to find you a better living situation. Even if that's not possible right now, keep reminding yourself that his behavior is cruel and you are allowed to be upset about it. You do not need to take any of his opinions on your gender seriously. You are not making up your transness or trying too hard. You are not over-sensitive, you are being hurt.

[cod-dump]

Tbh imagining Price, who’s never questioned his sexuality (but has always been a relaxed person & ally to his queer buddies) slowly falling in love with Nikolai to the point where he’s both shocked & joyfully surprised (think: crying) that he’s been/is queer…IDK, it makes me happy. Like, yeah, he had healthy relationships with women & his identity/sexuality is valid regardless of what happens next, but…him finding his soulmate (who just so happens to be a man) when he’s past being a kid…it’s fucking romantic to me! 😌

P. S. IDK if you heard but I’ve decided that NikPrice’s official ship name is Nickels, hehe

(Nickels is fucking adorable I might start using that)

Soulmate

PriceNik ficlet

___

It hit him after a successful mission. Everyone went out to celebrate drinks and all the food they could eat. Price was sitting in the corner by himself, happy to watch everyone laugh and smile after such a long and gruesome mission that none of them thought would ever end. He was nursing a beer when Nik came over, sitting next to him with a loud groan.

"Tired?"

"Exhausted."

Price laughs as Nik leans back in his chair, closing his eyes and just relaxing. Price couldn't help but stare at his friend, heart warmed by his presence. He wasn't sure how he would've gotten through this mission if Nik wasn't there. Sure, Nik was an extraordinary pilot and Price trusted him to get him and his team to wherever they needed to be and to be there to save their asses when needed.

But Nik just being there, at his side supporting him, that's what helped Price push through. Apparently he was staring too long, long enough for Nik to notice. He cracks an eye open, smirking at Price. Price felt himself grow hot in the face as Nik sits up straighter, Price choosing to look away and take another drink.

"I wonder, John..."

"Wonder about what?"

"If you're in love with me."

Price chokes on his beer, coughing heavily. It draws attention to them. Nik looks at those who chose to stare and they look away. Finally, Price's coughing slows, him turning to look at Nik.

"What?"

"You're not very subtle. Kate and I have been talking about it."

Price's face was on fire, he wonders if his face was a shade of red that matched the heat.

"What-What makes you think I'm in love with you?"

Nik chooses to stand instead of answer. Price stares at him as he leaves the pub, mind stirring with confusion. Has he really been giving off the impression he was in love with Nik? How come he's never noticed or why hasn't anyone brought it up before?

Price quickly climbs to his feet, all but running after Nik. He finds him outside, leaning against the side of the pub. He has a cigarette between his lips, lighting it. Price dumbly walks over to him, feeling like he was looking at Nik at a new angle that he didn't even know existed. Nik takes a drag from his cigarette, sighing as he blows out the smoke. For the first time, Price wasn't looking at him as just a friend.

"This is what I mean by not being subtle. The way you look at me..."

Nik speaks softly, coaxing Price to come closer. Price obeys the unspoken request, coming up to Nik's side. Price finds himself lost in Nik's deep brown eyes. They were so full of emotion. With uncertainty and hope.

"I wondered if you even knew. With your girlfriends you were never afraid to flaunt around."

Price could hear jealously in Nik's voice, something he's never heard before. Price breathes out, leaning on the wall next to Nik. He could tell that Nik was trying to not look at him, instead focusing upwards at the late evening sky.

Price could finally see it. What's been in front of him this entire time.

"I think I am in love with you."

Nik quickly looks to him, his cigarette almost flying out of his mouth with how quickly he turned. They stared at each other for a moment, neither saying anything or daring to make a move. A minute passes before Price reaches up, taking Nik's cigarette and putting it to his mouth. He takes a drag, holding in the toxic fumes for several seconds before finally releasing it. When he breathes out the last of the smoke, Nik moves.

Their lips press together, slow and uncertain. But it doesn't stay that way. Out of all the women Price has kissed over the years, this was the first time he felt that spark everyone talked about when kissing the one they love. Fireworks going over, feeling like he found that missing piece, the end of the red string--

He feels like he found his soulmate.

[tortured-gaylor]

from the journal of ava: but daddy i love him notes

according to swifties, this is a little mermaid reference: she gave up her voice to be with the man she loved

idk i haven't seen the little mermaid since i was 5, i'll take their word for it

i just learned these people only raise you to cage you

links back to who's afraid of little old me?: "you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me"

growing up famous, she was never able/allowed to just be or do what she wanted. this is also made clear in the miss americana documentary. seems like scott especially tried to keep her quiet and caged

she has used cage imagery often throughout her career in music videos and visuals (look what you made me do music video, the shadows in the visuals during the midnights set at the eras tour, the speak now ornament, the glass cage in the willow music video,...)

the spotify library installation also had a cage, but the birds were free on another shelf

sarahs and hannahs in their sunday best, clutching their pearls sighing "what a mess" i just learned these people try and save you cause they hate you

this seems to allude to religious people being homophobic. they try and "fix" you by praying for you

she's the odd one out, doesn't fit in with the norm (the sarahs and hannahs)

they slammed the door on my whole world, the one thing i wanted

again with the controlling

is the muse the whole world? is it simply freedom? or is it something else entirely?

now i'm running with my dress unbuttoned, screamin' "but daddy i love him"

like the love story music video

song themes are similar to love story as well with the disapproving father

i'm having his baby... no i'm not but you should see your faces

GAGGED

you should have indeed seen my face

dutiful daughter, all my plans were laid

idk what to tell you

it's queer

her parent (likely her dad) planned her whole life out for her and she fulfilled this "destiny", even if that life doesn't suit her

tendrils tucked into a woven braid

links back to seven: "your braids like a pattern"

the saboteurs protested too much

homophobes

lord knows the words we never heard, just screeching tires and true love

links back to getaway car

this could mean words of acceptance, likely from the church(goers) again

i'll tell you somethin' 'bout my good name it's mine alone to disgrace

she's done being sheltered and ready to make her own decisions, decide who she is all by herself

god save the most judgmental creeps who say they want what's best for me sanctimoniously performing soliloquies i'll never see, thinking it can change the beat of my heart when he touches me and counteract the chemistry and undo the destiny you ain't gotta pray for me me and my wild boy and all this wild joy if all you want is gray for me, then it's just white noise and it's just my choice

this is her saying people have no business being all up in her relationships. they seem to think they have the moral upper hand and get to decide what's best for her, even if they don't know her or her partner at all

she pulls an uno reverse on them by asking god to save them, just like they did for her

this could mean she's gonna love who she loves, despite what the world wants/expects from her

this calls back to the people "saving" her cause they hate her (so homophobes again)

this is a reach but did they try to strip her of her pride colours and she finally decided to ignore these very loud voices?

scandal does funny things to pride but brings lovers closer

✨ shared trauma ✨

for real though, scandal could be her being outed by whatever tabloid

forced her deeper in the closet, but closer to the (also closeted?) muse

we came back when the heat died down

the scandal forced them to keep a low profile for a bit but they came back (stronger than a '90s trend?)

went to my parents and they came around

reminds me of That™ miss americana scene

also reminds me of how the dad in love story eventually came around

time, doesn't it give some perspective?

there's something in this line but i'm not sure what

[aurumacadicus]

A bit ago you asked for podcast app recommendations. Do you have any recommendations for podcasts to listen to?

These are all the ones I listen to, I'll add a little summary for each one if that's alright.

Stuff You Missed in History Class: This podcast has been going for over a decade, starting in 2008. The format has changed since its inception and honestly, you don't need to go through the entire playlist (unless you want to!). Each episode is about a certain event, figure, or theme from history with show notes that cite their sources, and the hosts are very upfront about where and how they got their information. Some of these subjects are two-parters, but that's the exception and not the rule mostly. I enjoy learning about new things from history or, if I know the bare basics of them, I enjoy learning more in depth information. My suggestion is to just scroll through and see what topic interests you.

Criminalia: This is another history podcast, but each season focuses on a certain type of crime, with each episode focusing on someone in that theme. At the end of each episode, the hosts also make up a cocktail and mocktail inspired by the subject that day. (The first two seasons don't have mocktails because they only realized how popular a non-alcoholic version would be after season three where they made mocktails to go with the "imposter" theme and they got really good feedback about it.) Some of the seasons are hit or miss for me, but even if I don't necessarily like the theme, the episode is still good to listen to from a learning standpoint.

DNA: ID: One of my true crime podcasts. I like this one because it focuses more on how DNA testing has solved cold cases using genetic genealogy. I also appreciate that the host doesn't use full names to protect the privacy of a lot of people in the story. She uses full names for victims and perpetrators, and some family, but people who turned out not to be involved in the case are given initials. My only beef is that she does so much research on the cases, but she doesn't extend that to learning how to pronounce some non-English names. However, otherwise, she does treat each case with a lot of gravity and respect, so. Idk. She's recently started interspersing solved cases with cases seeking more information on recently identified Does so that's pretty cool.

Dear Hank & John: It's a comedy podcast about death, where two brothers give you dubious advice and bring you all the news about both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. They're currently on a "we'll update if Hank feels like it" schedule because Hank is currently going through chemotherapy but they have 372 episodes to tide you over in the meantime. I enjoy it a lot because I enjoy the Green brothers' sense of humor, and on the occasions that one of the brothers is away for something, their guest host is always interesting.

Good Assassins: Part historical, part true crime. I've only just started this one so I'm gonna copy and paste the summary because I don't think otherwise I would do it justice: A spy story. A detective case. The mission was simple: to arrange the death of one man. The goal was to send a message to all Nazi fugitives around the world: "we can find you and we can kill you." This is the true story of an undercover mission to hunt down a savage Nazi murderer who helped Hitler’s forces kill 30,000 men, women, and children. The survivors gave him a name after the Holocaust: The Butcher of Latvia. The spies would travel halfway around the world to carry out the sentence. The mission wasn’t for one life. It was for 6 million.

Welcome to Night Vale: This was the first queer media I consumed since I watched Tara die in BtVS. I was tired of kill your gays so I simply didn't consume any queer content. This show simultaneously healed me and hollowed me out for all the other shows that could have been this good. I like each story line, I like the additional novels, and I like the weather. This is my comfort show. I start it from the beginning every time I catch up to the recent updates.

Good Morning Night Vale: The official recap show of WtNV. It's hosted by Meg Bashwiner (she voices Deb, a sentient patch of haze), Symphony Sanders (she voices Tamika Flynn, the former teenage militia leader, current City Counsel member), and Hal Lublin (he voices Steve Carlsberg, Cecil's brother-in-law). I feel like I'm hanging out with friends talking about Night Vale when I listen to it. :) I think if you like recap shows, it's a good one.

The Murder Chronicles: Ngl I started this in season one where it was called The Shadow Girls, which I started because it was advertised as a deep dive into the Green River Killer's victims instead of just being about him. I was interested because the host was in the same age range as GRK's victims and she talks extensively about how scary it was for girls her age at the time. She also goes into how the police failed the victims and why, and also how it affected her. It also has a push for one of the victims to get the reward she was promised for turning Ridgway in. It felt like a cause. The second season is more about other true crimes which is... fine. Doesn't have the same heart that the first season did, but does include interviews with the detectives who worked on the cases, though, which I find interesting. Idk it's not really doing much for me anymore so I might drop it.

Scene of the Crime: Delphi: This is a podcast that (ostensibly) focuses on one case per season, but it's literally just one season and then a ton of advertisements from other podcasts from their company. That being said, they went forward with the families' permission, including numbers for people to leave tips to the police. Since they have the permission of the family (and interviews with some family members, even) it's one of the few that I'm comfortable with. That being said, I'm only subscribed to it still in case there's another update in the case. They don't seem to have published any episodes in a while.

These are the ones I listen to on Amazon Music, which are all true crime:

Cold: It's a narrative podcast focused on missing persons cases. It's got three seasons-- Season one is about Susan Powell, season two is about Joyce Yost, and season three is about Sheree Warren. They're well-researched and use recordings from the victims/perpetrators which is very interesting. The host seems to have permission from the families (at least the first season seems so) but even if he didn't, he doesn't make emotionally charged statements. He states the facts. I'd even go so far as to say the most emotion he ever shows is when he talks about why Susan Powell's case means so much to him.

Suspect: It's an investigative series about mislaid justice and the kinds of weighty decisions that detectives, lawyers, and jurors make every day - decisions that, once made, are almost impossible to reverse. Both of these seasons are incredibly interesting, including interviews with people involved in the cases. There hasn't been a new episode since February, but it's still a good show to go back to, I think.

Killer Psyche Daily: This podcast is hosted by former FBI profiler Candice DeLong, who I'd actually heard of (worked on the Unabomber case). It's a short, daily podcast (tenish minutes per podcast) where she draws on her years of experience to break down current criminal cases for laymen to understand, look back on historic crimes, and share insight on how the mind of a killer works. On one hand, it definitely errs on the side of police. However, she was also law enforcement, so it makes sense and doesn't really annoy me. On the other hand, she also has a lot of insight on the psychology of criminals, and she has guests on regularly who also have a lot of information to add to current cases who don't come across as pro-police.

There are a handful of others that I've listened to on and off but obviously they haven't really stuck with me.

[peppermint-rat]

Idk man I'm just so tired of begging on hands and knees for good queer rep. I'm tired of stories where we're made ravenous by seasons of pining or will they/won't they where the ultimate payoff is just the admission that they're queer or in love at all, and then that's it. That's all we're allowed to want, just to have the relationship explicitly canon in the end. I'm so tired of writers/creators treating the withholding of queer rep as a cute little game they're playing with fans. Teasing us, holding it above our heads and letting us become even more ravenous so they can just put one kiss/confession in there and we'll all lose our shit celebrating and never ask for more.

I want more stories where we're allowed to be present for the actual relationship. Its joy as well as its struggles. I want to see lots of realistic, casual affection and expressions of devotion and love. And I want this across many genres. I want this in stories where the couple's main struggle is not just enduring homophobia. I want to see the characters themselves expressing their queerness in unabashed ways beyond the expression of love - show me characters performing drag, going to queer events, engaging in kink and dressing to proudly show it, and for gods sake never turn it into a joke, never turn it into something extreme that you don't have to look at for too long because the main queer character/s are "normal" and consumable for audiences who don't like to think about that side of queerness. Give me queer stories after the confession and kiss take place. Where do they go from there? Why aren't we allowed to want to see that?

And yeah, I know there are some things that do this better than others, and I don't want recommendations. I know that censorship stops people from telling the stories they want to tell. But it's just not enough for me, and I can't muster up the excitement for the scraps we're so graciously thrown anymore. It's no longer enough for me to consider something not to be queerbaiting if all we get is one kiss or confession at the end after being intentionally kept on the hook for the whole thing until then.

Queer people deserve better. Don't tell me I'm not allowed to want it.

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Every time I get into youtube this days there is like five videos about terfs and four that are exclusivaly about JK and always from new people debating it again and again and I don't know why the algorithmic thinks that because I watched some of thoses videos some time ago I'll want to keep doing it forever and like I'm just soo tired.

I don't know how to explain it because I feel shitty all the time about a bunch of things and transphobia is on top and I'm tired. And when I enter youtube I don't want to be bombarded with the memory that there is a vocal group that hates my existence and has a lot of political support. I just want something to play while I try to finish all my monthly solitary challenges and destress so I can think.

And that's nothing against the videos. I understand we need to talk about it and it's good that the bigots aren't the ones completly controlling the narrative but I don't know I guess I just want some queer joy. I just want to be happy for half a second. And I used to not care. But I'm the only trans person (and nb person) on my friend group and somehow even though all of them are some degree of queer I became the one that has to talk about it all the time. To explain my existence, to explain their existence to others (they ask me to do it), to try to explain to good intencioned bigots why they are still bigots and I just... I just want to exist for half a second man.

I'm not perfect. I literally just misgendered a characther for stupid reasons like five minutes ago and I still have to be the one that has to explain shit because idk I'm open about it? I'm not. I gave up talking to my parents about it after my mom said the reason for my gender confusion was because she wanted a boy when she was pregnant but I'm just a confused girl and said she was sorry for having post partum depression and making me queer or something and I don't even dare to try to talk about it with my family. I love my family. My grandma gave me happy birthday and said I'm her favorite grandaughter and I want to keep living in their lie thatthey love me unconditionally and we can only keep that if they never know. Maybe is because I'm vocal about being autistic? Because it sucks. I had a panick atack reading an old academic article about autism in class because it was soo dehumanizing and no one else saw it that way. The future ABA people treat me like a kid and are shocked that I'm just a fully functional 21 yo. And I have to debate them! To respect their choice of activally pursuing a path that harms kids and if I question it I'm just silly and my personal experiences don't matter because I was diagnosed later and never had ABA and the mothers of the kids they intern with love ABA and I don't even know what this post is.

I'm just having a burnout from existing I guess. From existing and being a good public speaker while having perfomance anxiety. And no one ever used they/them or any neutral language to reffer to me and I always say I use neutral pronouns as well and list it on my bio. And I was listed as woman for someone who accepts me and when I mentioned they thought someonelse did it and I just let them gaslight this person because I knew it wssn't on purpose and had no energy and the other girl would have done it anyway.

I think I wish I had just an opportunity to be rude. That I didn't need validation and to be liked for everyone. That I wasn't so afraid of being a problem. That I could just say that it's good that you don't see my boobs as a part of my gender and I know it isn't your intencion but it gives me dysphoria sometimes andbit really really annoys me how everytime someone goes "you really want top surgery?" yeah. I'm sorry you feel dysphoric for having small boobs or whatever but I literally have to do a drag persona in my head everytime I use a dress or make up because I can't see myself as the person in the mirror and I'm just tired because everyone has valid reasons except me. I only have valid reasons when I'm actually wrong. And I just want to be a prick to everyone even if they don't deserve it at all because I don't deserve it also and I don't know how to solve it and I just wanted some queer joy. The euphoria of being the "somehow this is the most feminine and the most masculine look you had" by a close friend. The silly smile when my aunt reffered to me on the masculine for accident. Hanging out with my queer friends and feeling I have a place. The quiet moments of just existing and feeling good with it. The happiness of when someone actually gets it. The niceness of just being myself to myself at least.

[anadrenalineslut]

the fact that would've could've should've and bigger than the whole sky both sound somewhat like dear john and somewhat like style is really heartbreaking idk if it was on purpose but it makes them sadder

I was fully prepared to laugh at how ridiculous this was but I actually played style and wcs back to back and I'm really uncomfortable by how right you are, anon.

The end of WCS ends with the same guitar note style opens up with, and like she definitely does the same background singing in both songs. I dont know if she did it on purpose, I'm not taylor so I can't say but it feels like she did.

It actually breaks my heart whenever I think about style because I'm actually convinced it is about her ED, just like I think bad blood is about her ED too (or rather how her ED made her distrust everyone and ruin her friendship with katy) and I just hate it so much because it's such a beautifully written song on the surface about a rocky and anxiety fueled relationship (I honestly don't think haylor was pr but I do think it was mostly anxiety and ED fueled... in fact, the way she writes about Harry, it feels exactly like the way I used one of my old flames as a way to feed my ED desire to feel beautiful) and that writing just really adds to the depth of the ED themes of style because like, I don't ever think haylor was a good couple and although they weren't pr, i do think that taylor was kind of chasing like... heartthrob in a sense? Like okay, so

When I was closeted, the type of man that I went after very, very much played into like heteronormative standards of attraction and what white people thought was attractive. Like, not just the race of the person but more like their entire aura and like the way they behaved. I'm not saying I wasn't attracted to non-white people, I'm saying that even the non-white people I was attracted to were like very heteronormative looking.

It played into my desire to feel conventionally attractive and there is a huge thing about queer women not being real women, and I was shamed for my sexuality before I even knew I was bisexual because of this stereotype of queer women being desperate for love that they turn gay when men don't give them what they truly desire.

So, like, not to project myself onto taylor, but the way that she wrote about men reminds me of this same desire I had to market myself as a good woman. Like, the miss American documentary, it's flowery in language and its from a white perspective but I don't think that means it's any less nuanced, right? Like her talking about her desire to be a good woman is really asute of her.

Like, for a white woman, that is the standard of femininity that we aspire to teach our daughters to emulate. We want to been seen as good, and taylor constantly rails against this desire, especially since 1989.

People forget just how outspoken she was for the time, like I was reading her vogue kaylor interview and she was talking a lot about women's role in society. This was in 2014, before she was really seen as a "feminist."

Like, the difference between the social perception of taylor that I remember and me reading these articles is so cognitively dissonant for me. Like, yes, she is a white feminist but like she's really not as white of a feminist as we claim she is as a fandom.

I've been reading a lot of her interviews from 2014-2016 recently and it's crazy how aware she was of the social dynamics and how well she pushed back against those dynamics in a way that she didn't receive flack for being a radical feminist.

Like, she very much was tired of the good girl image that she used to want to portray and I think that we have to keep in mind, taylor has told us this was her belief system. It feels very autistic to me, honestly, but that could just be my autism speaking for my own desire to be a good woman since it's something that all white women are taught to desire, not just autistics.

But I digress, like, taylor doesn't ever say anything controversial during this time but she still tries to make her opinion known while not trying to rock the boat. So like all of this combined, to me, 1989 feels more like an exploration of gender roles than anything else.

Yes, there is romance on the album but it's not an album about finding love. It's about finding yourself outside of the expectation put on women, especially white women during this time, to find love or to make "a man stay."

So yeah, I can definitely see how style is connected to wcs especially and I really appreciate you bringing this to my attention because WOW big brain take anon.

[fallingsunflower]

Honestly I feel like people get so defensive over things like the flag because 1. a lot of his fandom is straight up homophobic, and 2. every time he does something remotely queer, larries are jumping all over it. And before someone comes at me, I'm not saying they shouldn't be allowed to do that. I don't really give a shit what they do as long as they aren't attacking anyone, but hot take(?): it's literally like he can't portray any queerness without it being swept up as some kind of proof. And then to make it worse, people that aren't larries see that and their first reaction is to completely deny it. Like in this fandom, there's only two options: Harry is married to his ex-bandmate, or he's straight as a pencil. I've said for a while that this man deserves better fans all around lol. Like I wish he could just exist as himself without people twisting everything he does to fit their own version of him in their heads. Idk, I completely stepped away from keeping up with the fandom on twitter because I'm so tired of seeing all of it.

.

[hard-core-super-star]

no because literally, in a single ask there are many different topics and the answers just get longer. I imagine you opening your inbox and seeing some aks that look more like the digital bible itself😶

I'm telling you! I'm behaving now. I changed.

I'll wait, and I already have my doubts about something but I don't know if it's a reference. the 119% thing.

totally, just like they did when they guarded at all costs that Kate would be played by hailee. It would be really funny if the Nightwing phase hadn't just been a phase.... unless...👀 I also don't know how well-known this mafia game is, but I've literally never heard of it until now. you're good at FIFA? for further scientific research. i- i never played GTA, my mom was ok with me playing mortal kombat and seeing the most graphic and merciless deaths, but not with me stealing cars and running away from the police 😔

okay, if I go watch it for the gay shit and I come out of it sad I'll blame you and you'll pay for my therapy. If she's supposed to be an irredeemable villain then she did something really fucked up, right? because I'm kind of more of a fan of villains..... to a certain point... um yeahh..of course

I'm literally eating myself up because I want to know what this cliffhanger is, I mean, the show was cancelled... knowing this isn't going to ruin my experience, is it?

queerbait, queerbait is everywhere- oh, the denial, it's okay, thinking like this can keep you sane, but it's between ava and sara? wait, I got lost hwjakksskskk you defend flash until you possibly can't anymore, but only watch for caitlin? how does it work? RIGHT? It took me a while to like caitlin exactly for that reason. and don't judge me, but it got tired to a point where I wasn't even rooting for barry and iris to get together anymore. they almost made my hair gray for a while, but I recovered.

now I understand why there's SO MUCH supercorp fics, these people are drooling and surviving on crumbs- think with care <3 hdjskjsk

– 🌟

i’m happily surprised and impressed that we've managed to talk about so many things at the same time and, despite the slight confusion sometimes, we still have MORE to say. it's not often i find someone so willing to read my paragraph-long responses and then RESPOND with their own paragraphs. [and needless to say, i absolutely love reading your responses, even if they're long]

mhmm, we’ll see about that.

it technically is a reference but i don't know if you're thinking what i’m thinking. and if you're not one of us is going to end up looking like an an idiot 😶 [it’s me, btw]

i mean, he's technically still my favorite superhero so i guess the phase still isn't over. i’m just too gay to obsess over a man the way i obsess over kate. i don't think it's that well known but i love it. idk what kind of research you're doing that requires this knowledge but yeah, i’m pretty good at FIFA. not like super amazing or anything but i’ve played it all my life so i think i’ve developed some skills. funnily enough, my mom was the opposite way. mortal kombat was too violent but planning heists and stealing cars was fine. [but not until i was like…10 or something]

babe, i hate to break it to you, but i can't even pay for my own therapy so you're on your own. stop asking questions because i WILL write an essay on her. basically, she does do fucked up shit BUT she's also heavily, HEAVILY, traumatized. i can't get into it without giving out too many spoilers but as the show goes on, we learn she's genuinely just a heavily messed up person and NOT a Joker type of villain who causes pain for the sake of it. [she's also not a sociopath, no matter how many times the characters say she is smh. she's also queer-coded af so there's that]

it's probably my fault for bringing it up everyday lmao. it doesn't ruin anything at all, it's just frustrating. they do finish the plot of season 7 nicely so that's why i just ignore the cliffhanger. it was supposed to tease season 8 but then season 8 never happened. the thing that pisses me off is that the CW didn't bother to tell the writers or the producers or the ACTORS that they wouldn't be getting another season.

sorry, i phrased that weird because it's technically a spoiler. the queer-bait is between zari and a new character hence why i didn't give many details in case you decide to watch the show again. sara and ava aren’t queer-bait at all, they're just queer 👍 it doesn't work very well but like the flash still has some really good things in between all the shitty writing. [that's another reason to watch batwoman, btw, their writers are out of this world] plus, like i said, caitlin snow was part of my gay awakening so it's not like i could just ditch the show even while it was going downhill. i don't judge you at all, i hated their relationship in the last few seasons. idk how they did it but they made me dislike barry at some point which is a crime because he's my boy!!!

akdkkdkskk that's a perfect way to put it, no further comment is necessary. i’m definitely not thinking about it 😶

[snugglebuddyhan]

Some thoughts about Dangerous Romance:

- I'm down for a bullying trope, but I'm kinda tired of how excessive it gets sometimes. Like, Kang trying to frame Sailom for stealing his credit card? That could have resulted in him either getting fired (I don't remember him losing his job, but Kang said he did, so) or getting arrested and don't get me started on THE GUN?????? Fucking RELAX man. That isn't bullying. That's straight up psychopathic behavior. Please, seek help

- It's actually kinda funny how Sailom is so unfazed by his bullying that Kang literally has no idea how to handle him hence the whole gun thing. He obviously is not used to dealing with people who aren't afraid of him. If he says jump they ask how high........except Sailom

- I don't remember his name, but the guy in Kang's clique that forgot to delete the kissing video and said his mom went through his phone and found it makes me wonder if he's telling the truth, bc why is she going through his phone and especially his camera roll of all places? Makes me wonder if he kept and released the video for a reason we won't know until later on. Your friends aren't always your friends. Maybe he's secretly tired of playing a part in Kang's bullying. Idk, I'm just hoping there's more drama in the series than whatever Sailom and Kang got going on

- Sailom's brother not answering his phone actually pissed me off. Like, I was LIVID. I got so mad I had to pause it and pace around my room, bc of ALL times for that happen OF COURSE it was when Sailom needed him the most

- They got closer and more friendly in the 3rd episode and if that's as far as their enemies to lovers trope plays out then it's not an enemies to lovers series. You gotta give me more than 2 episodes. I need more hatred and tension than that to feel anything and if they somehow go back to fighting each other for whatever reason that doesn't count. They already crossed over the initial line of hating each other. Their dynamics have completely changed. A second time will do nothing for me

- In the 3rd episodes trailer it looked looked like they did a thumb kiss in the alleyway and I was THIS close to dropping the series when I saw it, bc there isn't anything in queer media I hate more than actors who take on the roles of queer men, but are afraid to kiss men, BUT when the episode came out I saw that it was a thumb kiss, but it was something Kang did on purpose and not something the actors did, so I'm good

- Sailom is a dom

- I noticed one of the twins having a role in the series. I've seen them in multiple bl's, but now that I think about it I don't think I've ever seen them play a queer role. Just an observation

- Okay, I hate excessive bullying, but I also hate when the bullies are set up to be empathized with when we see what's supposedly the "reason" they act out so much. Like, I'm sorry your father treats you like you're never going to accomplish anything in life, but it doesn't excuse the shit you do to other people

- Also, I hate that it's always the poor characters abuse being the catalyst of all good things for the antagonist. I really hate rich boy x poor boy tropes. The poor characters really get put through the roughest shit in order for the antagonist to change and become a better person

- I don't remember their names, but I really hope the 2 dudes who fought in the bathroom aren't the side couple, bc I'm not really feeling it

[heathenkweer]

Honestly I don't know why you're so popular, you can't write Luis to save your life and putting him with a woman proves that, the man is as gay as a two dollar bill, and a lame female character like Mary-Sue Catalina at that. Why do you put obviously gay characters like Loki or Luis with women? It's giving homophobic tbh

okay normally I would ignore this type of message like I normally do but admittedly you've caught me in a weakened mental state because of a CFS crash, so, here's the attention you wanted:

(I'm going to assume you're also the anon who said something about Wintersberg being "obvious" or whatever, too.)

My little fic and my little OCs aren't keeping anyone from shipping what they like or reading what they like. I've no clue why some people act like they do.

As for why I don't ship "obvious" popular fanon M/M couples like Serennedy or Wintersberg:

I no longer accept crumbs of barely there subtext from my media when it comes to queer relationships.

I'm tired of doing the work for the writers. I'm tired of forcing room for myself and other queer people in their canons. That's the whole reason I stopped writing MCU stuff -- I'm tired of always having to fix Loki's character, of giving more of a shit about him than any of his writers ever have. (Also, MCU Loki is canonically bisexual, so idk where you're getting that "obviously gay" thing from.)

Also, none of these ships are my catnip, as I've mentioned before. Give me Morpheus/Hobb from The Sandman and we'll talk then. Give me Aziraphale/Crowley. Or, on the other side, give me Usagi/Seiya from Sailor Moon, or Haruka/Michiru.

And lastly: I write female OCs because generally the media I get into doesn't have a lot of great female characters. In FFXV, if you're a woman and a love interest, you get killed to further the men's stories. Same if you're a mother character. Village is sliiiiightly better about this, surprisingly, but the way they completely shafted Mia pissed me off, and I wanted to really delve into what growing up in that village would be like and how that might twist a person like Aranka. And Cat -- I wanted someone who knew Luis before the whole Umbrella and Los Illuminados thing, and again, I wanted to give Valdelobos and the people who lived in it a bit more time to shine on their own.

ANYWAY. I'm content with how I write my characters. It's brought me a lot of good friends and tbh I appreciate that more than I would thousands of fans. (I also do not know where you got the idea that I'm popular from. I was middling-popular in the Logyn fandom, like... ten years ago now, and I'm but a mere drop in both the RE4 and Village fandoms.)

Other people write about these ships far better than I do, so I suggest you go find them and read their works instead of sending weird messages to strangers on the internet.

[yoursassybookwormfriend]

Archthorne is basically promised at this point right

[sixstepsaway]

Great post about purity culture in fandom! If you don't mind me adding on, I think another major contributor is Baby's First Literary Criticism. It as been common online to see people critiquing media through queer, feminist, etc. perspectives, and a push for diversity and positive representation of marginalized groups. Problem is, they use that purity culture framing instead of viewing these issues at the complicated, nuanced matters they are. It doesn't allow room for a particular piece of media to be good in one way or lacking in another. It doesn't take into account that one person from a marginalized group's real experience is another's tired trope. If you try hard enough you can make everything problematic. For example, is it reasonable to argue that Ed is a problematic stereotype of as moc because he is a violent pirate? Well, it's a pirate show about pirates. Lucius might be considered the 'gay best friend' for constantly giving advice, but does that really count when all his friends are also gay? And this stuff is so nuanced it's easy to pick and choose what argument is affective against your least favorite show/character/ship/etc. Voila, now everyone who likes, uh, Blackhands is a racist, homophobic, misogynistic abuse apologist. -dd anon

Oh you are absolutely right and you should say it.

I saw someone saying how nice it is to have OFMD because until OFMD the only queer shows we had were things like Queer as Folk and they said how Queer as Folk was bad rep and cringe and bad

and I wanted to scream because Queer as Folk is not bad rep! QaF was representative of a lot of gay communities. Queer people didn't have marriage equality and couldn't adopt, so they didn't ride the heterosexual relationship escalator instinctively, and so their lives ended up looking entirely different. Club culture and promiscuity was a big part of queer culture even as recently as 2005 (and I would argue it still is) and a lot of that is to do with the conversations that go on at those places about consent or just because going to a gay club you are surrounded by other queer people, instead of having to hope and pray someone is like you at a coffee shop.

Good rep vs bad rep is a reductive argument, in my eyes. The issue is quantity rather than quality, which I realize is backwards to how it usually is, but... in a show like OFMD, where you have [frantic finger counting] I'm willing to say fourteen main characters all of which are stated word of god to be queer in some way? One of them bodying the trope of 'gay best friend' doesn't actually matter

because he's just one among many. I'm-- Okay, my labels are many because my brain is a mess, but to boil it down to something simple I'm a bi ace agender/maybe genderfluid person (idk i havent dug enough into my gender stuff yet i've been putting it off like a knitting project), and I do not fucking care about the discourse around Toni Topaz or Jughead Jones

let me explain: in Riverdale there are two characters I just mentioned. Toni Topaz is bisexual and Jughead Jones in the original comics was asexual but has been in sexual and romantic relationships in the TV show.

Lots of people yell that Jughead isn't rep and he could've been, how upset they are he wasn't made ace like the comics, etc etc

I don't because I am an ace person who has had sex and relationships and plans to do so in the future

so Jughead boning Betty in s1 does not bad ace rep make. He's never looked at Betty or whoever and gone (as far as I know, I'm behind on the show), "Man, I am so cishet. I am so sexually attracted to you in an allosexual manner." though I wouldn't put it past the writers to have him say something like that lmao

so maybe he isn't sexually attracted to her but enjoys sex with her anyway. Maybe he isn't romantically attracted to her but loves her anyway (though asexual =/= aromantic but that's beside the point)

and Toni Topaz has been criticized for being a "slutty bisexual stereotype" or whatever, but... she's fine? She's just... a person living her life? She fucks Jughead, she fucks her girlfriend, she fucks... idk, I think she has a boyfriend now I'M BEHIND OKAY

to me that isn't bad rep it's just... a character. Potentially not a well-written character because Riverdale (again, I am behind, maybe it's not as bad as I imagine) but still just... a character

When the 100 killed off Lexa, the issue wasn't that they killed A Lesbian, the issue was they killed the only lesbian, thus taking away 100% of the lesbians from that show at the time (though I think Niylah became a main character later? I don't know. She was just a one or two-off at the time iirc). plus the writer was a toxic piece of shit about lexa and wielded her as a way of getting his follower count up on twitter and then killed her off but that too is beside the point

We don't need good rep or to delete all bad rep from the universe. We need more rep, period. We need more lesbians and more gays and more bis and more queers and more people of color and so on. We need shows with diverse casts to be so common we don't have a metric fucktonne of people looking at OFMD and hoping for Perfect Rep because it's all they're getting.

Queer as Folk's characters felt real. They felt like real people. Brian's fear of getting old (I had the realization the other day that he was, in fact, 29, and I nearly cried), Mikey's fear of being alone, Ben's fear of bringing Mikey down with him, Justin's fear of never being loved, etc etc. None of them were good or bad rep, they just were, much like the characters in OFMD.

Assuming the party line of 'Izzy is a homophobic homosexual', are (general) you telling me you've never met a homophobic homosexual in your life? Bet you have. Lots of us have. Izzy isn't good or bad rep, he's just a guy, and a guy who could easily exist in real life, flaws and warts and all. Violent men of color exist just as much as cute lute-playing men of color do.

Good rep is not a goal we will ever achieve because the goalposts will always change. The quantity of rep, the variety of characters of color, the variety of queer characters, the variety of queer characters of color are what matters the most.

We need more rep, not to be cherrypicking and pruning the rep that looks a little ugly on the outside to some people.

Real people look ugly on the outside to some people, too.

[lirulua]

Happy first day of pride month!

Do you have any LGBT+ headcanons that you're super passionate about? c:

The egos everything/hj and Danny Phantom is trans(This is so late I am so sorry, had a breakdown genuinely almost as soon as pride month started)

Angus is Queer, thats all we gothjbsbhjsdh *Maybe* Nonbinary Demiboy

Jackieboy Trans Man(With a Plan(Note this is a joke please do not assume I have a plan unless it is important or five minutes before I have to do something -JackieM) Also Pan romantic and Pansexual

Marvin Is genderflux-or-fluid and Bi as Fuck

Jacques is Genderfluid/Genderflux(We don't know), Also Bi as fuck/Gay(All encompassing)/Queer

Henrik is Nonbinary Demiboy(We Think, Him and Character him give off similar vibes to The Vibes™), Pandemic(PanRomantic DemiSexual)

Chase IS Nonbinary Demiboy(Sorta on that part) and Kinda Demigirl(Pretty flag-ChaseM)(Also Me ChaseML) and I'm just PanBi all aroundjbhshbjs-ChaseM

Jack(Our Jack and Mister Coma Man) Is Cis (Though ours has a gender surrounding Thunderclouds, Lightning, Kings, Open fields and *large* grassy hills) and is Very much so Bi (But some of his favorite colors are the pan pride flag so he gets a pan sticker on his cheek every pride)

Anti is Intersex in headspace and most of the introjects of him are so for there sake we make Soft!Anti and Make him intersex(though it really isn't mentioned, just something for my loves little mans and broshjbshjbsbh) We also Headcannon him/them as Bisexual Panromantic

Jameson is (Error noise for the gender cause we can't remember but he does use he/him and something else, maybe they/them? She/Her? idk maybebjhjbhsd)

Shawn is Genderfluid Gay/Queer

S34N/Sam Panromantic Demisexual(I think)

Markus is Gay:? Queer? We do not know yet, Man pretty, Liru Pretty, Idk no labels pls -MarkusM

Dark is Gender-fluid Bisexual Somethin romantic

Wilford/William: PanPanPan (PanPan)

Yan is Non-Binary Lesbian

Damien, Bi man (trans?dik)

Celine, also bi woman

King of the Squirrels Genderfluid/Genderflux

Eric, Maybe trans or gay?

Google Prime, Gay/Queer

Bing Gay/queer

The other googles are similar or different cannot remember

I have more but they wont let me :(

(you're stressed and tired momma, relax and crotchet somethin please -robbieSM)

[clumsyclifford]

2, 3, 6, 10, & 17 for the beginning of the year writer's asks! -megs 💙

hiya megs!!

2. Is there a fic you hope to finish this year? well i answered this here but i'll give you a different answer: this silly crack pairing fic i'm working on, i really need to get that finished. i know it WILL be finished this year, and soon, so it's less that i hope it'll be finished and more that i'm just looking forward to when it is.

3. Is there anything new you want to try with your writing? A new genre? Style of writing? one day ill write an epistolary fic and maybe that day will be in 2022. mm.......i think a nonlinear narrative is a SUPER interesting format/style of writing, not sure if i'm like...skilled enough to pull that off but it might be nice to try. yeah i don't know! i'm always sort of trying to do something new in a way, so. who knows.

6. Is there a trope you’re going to leave behind? oh man, i don't know. i don't want to say i'll leave fake dating behind but i might be reaching a point of struggling to write it because there's only so many ways i feel like i can write it before it's no longer convincing. plus fake dating fics are inherently longer which means more of a commitment. also i think i can pretty safely say i'm not gonna write another amnesia fic lmao i think one is enough

10. Do you have a goal for this year for your writing? Any word count? A genre you want to mark off? i believe my word count goal for the year is...250k? i think that's what i set it as at the start of the year. i'm actually having a strange experience this year that i haven't had since i started writing band/rpf fic, which is that i started writing fic in other fandoms again, and posting them to my other ao3 account. so when i look at my total word count at the end of the year i'm going to have to add it up from the two different accounts, which is gonna be weird. like i think if i only look at my bellawritess posted word count at the end of the year it might not be 250k but i'll still have written 250k in total in terms of time spent sitting down writing and posting fanfiction. it just won't all have been rpf. genuinely i am so tired right now i cannot tell if any of these sentences are making sense with each other or by themselves. i hope you know what i mean

ANYWAYYYY, apart from the word count, i'd like to post another chaptered fic! they're really fun to be posting and i miss that feeling so. motivation to finish summer camp au lmao.

17. Any AUs you want to try this year? answered this one here as well ! short answer: more fics with children. honestly maybe more fics with OCs in general? idk sometimes they can be fun to write. that's not an AU. okay well. oh well. omg wait. one more. okay i. probably won't actually write this cos itd require me to get a lot better at a few big things real quick, BUT.......i would love a queer eye crossover type thing. i just. i just think it'd be fun. entertaining. i am taking suggestions for who you think queer eye would be most likely to Fix. has to be calum or ashton right? anyway. that

writer asks (2022 edition)

[nerdygaymormon]

Sorry, this is a super long ask, but I had some thoughts I wanted to articulate at a person, not just in a post 😅 I had this thought about the article from Elder & Sister Renlund. It was then reinforced when my mom (who I'm not out to) sent me some quotes about God loving his children after she had talked to a family friend who's teen daughter is bi and very angry at the church (And I will admit, the quotes my mom sent we're a lot more loving than anything from the Renlunds). 1

I'm tired of the only reference queer members get about God loving them is that he loves them inspite of their queerness. It's not presented that straight forward always. It's usually presented as "God loves all his children, whether they're following his commandments or not" which isn't a bad sentiment within itself (And maybe that's helpful for some queer people sometimes, idk). 2

I also understand how it can seem a helpful message to share with queer members as a cis straight member. But one of the biggest things that has held me back from exploring my sexuality and gender identity is this idea. By identifying and living openly queer, sentiments like these tell me I am actively rebelling against God. 3

And if I'm actively rebelling just simply by being myself, then why should I keep any other commandments? Sure, maybe if it's just that one commandment I don't follow and I follow everything else perfectly I can still be saved, but I'm still human! The rest of those commandments are still often hard to follow! And if I spend all this time figuring out my queer identity, only to reach heaven and have that taken away... then I don't wanna go to heaven anyway. 4

So maybe our fellow members, when talking to queer members, can stop with the "God still loves you, despite your queerness!" & can instead say "God loves you, queerness very much included!" (Any higher up leadership doesn't get to say this until they get their lives in order & stop being homophobic/transphobic. You can't tell me God loves me if you're out here telling me he doesn't through your policies.) Anyway, this has been bubbling for a little bit and I wanted to get it out of my head 5

————————————————————

My sense of it is that our top church leaders talk to the members about us. For many years there’s been at least one, often more than one, talk at General Conference that mentions queer people, with gay people getting the most attention. 

The leaders tell the members what they believe the Lord thinks and lament that the world is becoming more welcoming. It can sound harsh. They soften it by saying that God still loves us, we’re still God’s children, but it does feel like an after thought. 

————————— 

It’s very rare to hear a message directly aimed at LGBTQIA+ people. Because of my calling, I’ve gotten to meet several General Authorities, which means I’ve had the unique opportunity to hear how they speak directly to a queer person. 

The first one I met is Elder Joaquin Costa, I told him that I’m gay and he was extra caring and kind to me. He hugged me and told me he loves me. It surprised me. 

The blog post I wrote went viral and someone asked he and his wife about it, and they wept and he said everyone is deserving of Jesus’ love.  

I met Elder Costa again last summer and brought a friend with me. He stayed after hours at the office in order to see us. He hugged me and he’s smiling so big and he keeps mentioning one thing or another from when we met, and my friend leans over and says, “he likes you, like for real, he likes you.” The conversation didn’t go as I’d hoped, but I give Elder Costa credit for listening to us, and it seemed he learned and adjusted. And he kept reaching over and patting my arm, and we’d lean towards each other and bump shoulders, you know, like friends do when you’re telling a joke or something to show you feel friendly towards each other. 

—————————

The second General Authority, we got off to a rough start as he spoke for two hours about the importance of marriage between a man and woman and how necessary that is. The next day he went out of his way to befriend me, even asking that we drop titles and just call each other by our first names. He calls me David and I call him Claudio. By the time he left, it felt like we were friends, although I didn’t know if that’s just how he makes everyone feel.

I took him up on his offer for lunch when I visited Utah in 2018. When we got to his office, he was so excited to tell me that he and my dad have the same birthday, but 2 year apart. Had he been snooping on me, how did he know that? Well, he wondered how many people in the Church had his birthday and he did a search on the churchwide membership list. None had the exact birthday, so he dropped the year, and there was my dad’s name. He knew my last name, so he clicked on my dad to see if we’re related. He had waited eagerly several days for me to arrive so he could tell me. Anyway, he and I had a very real conversation, you know, we got beyond just the niceties. He never contradicted the Church teachings, but did admit there’s a lot we don’t know, there’s many questions for people like me for which we have no answers. He listened and understood where I was coming from and that we have significant gaps in our teachings and our church needs to do better in showing love to LGBTQ people. We ended with a lot of laughs and hugs and I left with a good feeling. 

I met Claudio again last year and brought a friend with me. I didn’t share this in the blog post I wrote, but Claudio was so eager to see me because he wanted to share how knowing me had helped him respond to a father who was worried his daughter had come out as a lesbian. He shared the advice he gave the father and wanted my reaction. It was very good and focused on accepting the situation, loving his daughter as he always had, and she’s got to make some big decisions but to stand by her and always include her no matter what path she chooses. Those are her decisions, his responsibility is to be her loving dad that she can count on. I was stunned that he shared knowing me had caused him to think about the situation of queer members and the choices we face. My friend that I brought is also gay and Claudio pronounced a beautiful blessing on him. And he invited me to his home next time I come to Utah (which due to the pandemic, has been postponed). As we drove away, my friend remarked, “you don’t just invite acquaintances to your home, you guys are officially friends.”

—————————

I also met an apostle. Upon telling him I’m gay his very first comment was that same sex attraction isn’t a sin but bullying people over it is. We were sitting at a table of 8, so our conversation on this subject was brief. My feeling is he tried to give me a sense of hope, although it was all about what wonderful things await me when I’m dead. I wanted to reply that I needed hope in this life, but the whole table had started listening in on our conversation at that point and we moved on and discovered that his wife and I are related. 

—————————

I wish every queer member had these sorts of opportunities to feel love and concern from church leadership. I also wish the Seventy & apostles had more encounters with queer members, I think it’s good for them to process we’re real people with concerns & feelings that aren’t being satisfied and we need to feel the Savior’s love as much as anyone else. 

In the meantime, I will be meeting another general authority at the end of the month and will share how it goes.