#idk what it is but it happens sometimes where i cannot wake myself up and im on the cusp of being awake but i cant open my eyes or move LOL

[dandyshucks]

crawls in here coughing and wheezing... everyone is so niceys to me.....

[sir-yeehaw-paws]

MGSV: Awakening vs Truth (Differences)

I got curious and wanted to compare the differences between the Awakening vs The Truth Mission. Wasn’t sure how best to format it, so it’s just side by side caps and my explanations. Obviously, the biggest changes. and differences, come with the beginning scenes and the end scenes. (Cut scenes in the middle escape the hospital section are almost completely identical, as is the main tutorial you’re given)

In Awakening, shortly after waking up, the doctor asks you to recall your name, and your birth date.

You’re then prompted to enter it.

And choose your ‘face’.

This bit is skipped over entirely in ‘Truth” Instead, Venom wakes up, freaks out, gets put back to sleep. The next time he’s ‘awake’ is when he’s shown what happened to his body. This is also present in “Truth”.

After this, Venom panics, and is once again sedated. This is true in both. The next time Venom wakes up, the Doctor and Nurse are in an argument he cannot understand. In Awakening, they’re shown arguing.

Venom hears, but doesn’t comprehend.

In “Truth” He is able to understand their conversation, so you are given dialogue properly.

After this, the Doctor brings Venom the photographs. In Awakening, you can briefly see the text written on the back.

He does not let Venom grab the photographs. So the player and Venom cannot see what is written there. It’s too blurry.

In Truth, Venom grabs the photos, revealing his own self, and the message on the back.

While this is happening, Quiet is garroting the nurse. She’s visible in both versions, doing this.

In Awakening, she’s shown a little coming up behind the doctor. However, the mirror blocks her after a second or two of visibility.

Caps don’t show this, but she’s covered up faster.

In Truth, she’s visible for longer.

She’s shown more clearly here.

Here, the scenes are identical with almost no change. Ishmael’s dialogue for ‘getting our of here. come on, move it’ sometimes alters a bit, but not enough that it’s really anything significant I find.

After Big Boss and Venom escape and crash the ambulance, we cut to Venom waking up alone in Awakening.

Here, at 3:07 am, he looks over and notices that the seat originally occupied by BB is empty, and he’s alone.

Venom crawls free, and is soon rescued on horse back by Ocelot, after which the two of them escape.

in Truth, we get it from Big Boss’s perspective.

Big Boss wakes up first at 2:32am and is pulled from the wreckage by Ocelot. There’s a gap of time until we cut back to Big Boss and Ocelot saying goodbye at 5:59am (Why they didn’t just make this 6am on the dot idk but WHATEVER)

Since he rescued Venom at 3:07am, we can assume Ocelot took care of Venom, fought off Volgin with him, prepped him for the days to come, and left him on the Heiwa Maru. Then rode DHorse back to Big Boss to say goodbye to him, before returning to Venom and the Heiwa Maru to leave port for their trip.

The final scene in Awakening is Venom and Ocelot on the Heiwa Maru, en route to Afghanistan.

The final scene in ‘Truth’ is Venom, ending with him going off to complete the mission he’d die in (video here)-Operation Intrude N313, 1995. Where Solid Snake kills him. As per Metal Gear 1.

There’s also a post-credits dialogue of Ocelot and Kaz at some unknown time discussing the truth. I have a video of that conversation here.

Truth also has the unique opening-right after the chopper crash in 1975. We see Kaz and Big Boss, with the latter being worked on by the doctors. This is from Venom’s perspective. and nobody notices he’s there until Kaz actually points him out.

That’s about the only differences I’ve noticed myself. This post was also completely unnecessary save for my own amusements.

[digitalis-obscura]

20 Questions for Writers

tagged by @romanticslimecreature

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

15!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

35,578

3. What fandoms do you write for?

currently writing for wrestling and also still a bit for malevolent, used to write for tma and wolf 359, and i have three thousand abandoned drafts in other fandoms

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

•we’re all just killing time: malevolent, jarthur pwp

•my mirror staring back at me: malevolent, jarthur pwp

•drowning in a dream (that i can’t escape): malevolent, post canon case fic

•i’m not giving up (i’m just giving in): tma, jon/michael canon divergence

•a craving for something i cannot find (and the shame of never finding it): tma, jonelias post season 3 knife fic

5. Do you respond to comments?

i try to but sometimes the brain is soup

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

what the water gave me: malevolent, arthur gets fucking traumatized by a ghost

i wrote it for a horror exchange with the explicit goal of putting arthur through hell

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

this is actually a hard question, i tend to write ambiguous or open endings a lot of the time

i think when is a monster not a monster, my john character study fic, probably has the most upbeat and optimistic ending? idk

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope, everyone things i’m sexy and my meat is huge (i exclusively exist in small fandoms)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i do! i’ve recently been informed that the main through-line of all of my smut is characters discovering that they’re into d/s, which is fucking hilarious, so i guess the answer to what kind is “kinky”

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i don’t personally care to write crossovers

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

lars and i both wrote fics based on the same premise, at the same time, but that’s the closest i’ve gotten

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

whatever ship is eating my brain at any given time, i don’t have a real “all time favorite”

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

god the fucking vegas au. modern au malevolent fic where arthur is gifted a trip to vegas and decides to get spectacularly drunk and wakes up married to john, a complete stranger. it is *technically* still in production but i’m mostly just lying to myself there, it’s way too ambitious for my skill level because it needs to be multichapter and well plotted and i don’t have that in me

16. What are your writing strengths?

i’ve been told that i’m good at characterization, and i think i write description well

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

extended plot. i can do long one-shot plots, but i can’t do multichap plots.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i am horrifically monolingual and would not insult another language that way

19. First fandom you wrote for?

….. homestuck

20. Favorite fic you've written?

this is an even tie between three fics i think:

drowning in a dream (that i can’t escape) is my beloved horror case fic that i put my heart and fucking soul into and it’s the longest fic i’ve ever finished

you eat your words in frame is the complete opposite direction, it’s wrestling pwp with sex tapes, it just also happens to be some of, if not the best writing i have ever done.

hit me baby (one more time) is a short and silly neon streets fic that only five people care about but it’s probably the fic i consider to be the most accurate to the source characters fic i have written and i love it

i’m tagging @voidofthestars @limbreaper and @grand-magnificent as well as anyone else who wants to say i tagged them

[rdnw]

Recap (day 7-day 10)

Saturday (day 7)

After the drone show was a mess. I could not find a taxi and then had to walk home for 1.5 hrs 💀. I was stressed but at least I made it home. Getting lost/walking around is the best way to getting to know the area though. You couldn’t tell me that at the time though, I was convinced I’d be sleeping in the streets or paying for a hotel lool I was stressed. All that fir a 10 minute show too, I was so annoyed with myself.

Sunday (day 8)

I ordered food! And it came to the right address! It took me like 3 hours because I wanted to be sure I was doing it right because it would suck for the delivery driver to call me and be on the phone with someone who cannot communicate well . There’s a local service (i think it’s literally 1 girl tbh she’s the best ) that orders food for foreigners with a $3 fee but they were offline so I had to struggle lool. I started watching friends on Netflix, im not a tv show person but I think being alone forces me to watch them so I feel less alone. I get easily scared now too so I can’t watch any thriller, suspense, horror stuff like I used to.

Monday (day 9)

I went to the bank Monday, it was a thirty minute walk (idk whats with the local apps but they lieeeee it was supposed to be a 15 minute walk). The banks are open from 10-4 on weekdays so I can only head over on Monday because I have less classes. they told me to come back though so that’s for next Monday again. I walked 30 minutes there then 30 minutes back to work. It was lightly drizzling on the walk back and a store was playing sad music on their outdoor speakers. It made me laugh a lot, it felt fitting lmaooo. Then after work I went to a recommended electronics store to get a router for internet. When I finally got there they told me they didn’t sell any 💀..again the place was walking distance 😭 but I got lost and the apps lieee (this is the exact point where I was certain the local map app wanted me to be usain bolt or something) so I was wandering for 1.5 hrs (2.5 hrs were spent walking yesterday)

Tuesday (day 10)

I cried this morning, and could only do it for like 10 mins before work, my mom said I sounded sick and that made me sad because I don’t want her worrying about me . I told myself I could cry more when I got home but like what happened last week I didn’t need to cry when I got home. I felt better. Sometimes this makes me feel like a child crying because they don’t want to go to school. But it also makes me think I overthink my days way too much, it’s all okay. I’ve done this before and have experience. I don’t suck and I’ve only completed my first full week today. I need the confidence and ego of a white man in times like these. I would wake up at 3am to prepare for my lessons for 9am last week. And I still felt like I wasnt doing enough, that’s not healthy or okay. I’m fine , I’m more than fine. I’m good enough and I can definitely do this :).

[are-these-dreams]

My dreams are different. Sometimes I dream as my actual self, and when I am myself, if my dreams involve other people it is typically with people I haven’t never met in real life but in my dreams I seem to know well, and sometimes people I do actually know in my life. Sometimes I am me, but slightly different. Other times I am other people, often female, but sometimes different genders. I think usually always around my same age. If I am someone else, there is never someone in my dreams I know in my real life. And sometimes though very rarely I’m not even human. I dreamt recently of being a dragon shifter, and it was incredibly realistic, the feeling of being a dragon and flying, and fighting. Another time I was a great ancient, forgotten deity, telling a warrior secrets of the universe in the desert, and I cannot remember what the secrets were when I woke up. Not in a normal oh I can’t quite remember my dream way, more in a, I cannot actually comprehend what I knew, because I was not actually me, and I am mortal and that knowledge cannot be grasped.

There are certain landscapes I’ve been to a few times (two places I’ve been to in my awake life, others I’ve never been before) and I can remember I’ve been there before and usually I ‘wake’ in an area and have to use a specific path to get to where the place is, and I always remember the path and what happened the last time I was there. But it’s not in a oh I know this is a dream I’ve been here before. Idk it’s strange. And sometimes I dream of the same people in different dreams. And they recall me and I them from different dreams but it’s not reoccurring. I’ve never had a reoccurring dream where everything is/happens the same.

I can’t lucid dream. I never recall that I am dreaming nor am I able to control the dreams.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m connecting with alternate universe me’s, or briefly living other peoples/creatures lives. They feel like that. Usually when a dream starts, it’s like I just jumped into the middle of a movie. There are people ‘I’ know well and events have been going on. It’s strange.

Sometimes I have normal type dreams, but the ones I talk about here I just feel are different.

[purplesurveys]

1609

1. What were your summers like as a kid? Pretty...nonexistent? ‘Summer’ just meant vacations from school and we never did anything as a family then. I feel regretful about it sometimes, especially knowing that other kids went out of town or the country, but it becomes easier to understand once I remind myself that my parents were just working thrice as hard then so we could be comfortable today.

2. Do you enjoy thrilling rides like rollercoasters? I never enjoyed amusement parks and my stomach has never responded well to rides. When I find myself at a fair with friends, I’m always the first to volunteer to watch over their bags while they go on the rides.

3. Who was your childhood hero? My dad.

4. What is your favorite book? I haven’t found it yet and dunno if I ever will.

5. What do you find most attractive about your crush? Can celebrity crushes count? He’s very smart.

6. What’s your favorite outfit? I love these Korean-style trousers I recently got in chestnut and olive green. Manages to look stylish and still feel comfy at the same time.

7. Does seeing people in love make you happy? Sad? Annoyed? Of course I feel a general sense of happiness for anyone who’s found their person, but to be honest I’m not interested in hearing stories of how relationships came about. Once I find myself in the middle of such a conversation, I either automatically zone out or just internally cringe altogether.

8. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? I wouldn’t really call them stuffed animals...but I have several plushies, yeah.

9. What CD did you play to death as a kid? Beyoncé’s Dangerously in Love and Madonna’s The Immaculate Collection.

10. Hike to a mountain top to watch the sunrise or drive out of town to stargaze? I love roadtrips and looking at the stars, so you can kinda tell which one I’m leaning towards. It would be very hard to convince me to hike, and much much more so in the morning. 11. What song has the most relatable song lyrics to you? I feel as though Namjoon’s Wild Flower does this best these days. 

12. Iced drinks or hot drinks? Iced, can’t stand hot drinks.

13. Bright colors or neutral tones? Neutral.

14. Breakfast for dinner or pizza for breakfast? Pizza for breakfast sounds yum and I’ve had it quite a few times, too. Having breakfast for dinner just sounds a little bit too underwhelming, considering I view dinner as the main/biggest meal of the day.

15. Do you have a green thumb or a black thumb? Idk what a black thumb is but I’ll go with that because one thing I’m sure about is that I cannot grow plants to save my life.

16. What’s your favorite feature of yours? My fingers, eyelashes, and dimple.

17. Would you rather be a lawyer or a doctor? Doctor. I had an extremely brief period fantasizing about becoming a lawyer, but that was quickly shot down when I realized how much I would realistically cry in law school. I feel like working towards becoming a doctor would have been the more feasible of the two since I 1) liked at least one branch of science (biology), and 2) didn’t usually have problems with memorization.

18. What type do you tend to go for physically? I’ve rarely felt attraction so I’m not even sure if I have a type. If I happen to have one, I haven’t figured it out yet.

19. Power of invisibility or flight? Flight. Free travel! I feel as though invisibility and snooping around may lead me to see or hear things I wouldn’t want to encounter.

20. Would you rather wake up with your makeup magically done or your hair? Hair.

21. What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? My sister and I have gotten into some pretty pointless and immature 10-minute squabbles, as siblings do.

22. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen someone do in public? I had a classmate who used to drain out the ink from her pens and mix dried leaves and a bunch of other dirt that she could find outside in it.

23. What’s your dream date? A quiet museum trip where we both appreciate the exhibits and not feel pressured to talk throughout; and wrapping it up with dinner where the conversations can otherwise naturally flow.

24. Do you tend to gravitate more toward using logic or intuition to make decisions? Logic, I think.

25. Do you like parties? They can be fun, yes.

26. Did you enjoy high school? The last couple of years, yes. I struggled to adjust and make friends from freshman to sophomore year.

27. Who is the craziest person in your family and why? My mom can be obsessive and she is also the stubbornest person I know. She would never admit she is wrong and I’ve never heard her say sorry to her kids. I also know that she thinks less of her children because she is the parent - “I’m the mother, you’re just my child” is a familiar saying in the household.

28. What’s your favorite holiday tradition? Doing Monito Monita with a certain family from my mom’s side on Christmas Eve.

29. Can you describe your laugh? It rings a little bit but it’s never loud enough to stand out. I also tend to snicker.

30. Instagram or Twitter? Instagram is like this big meadow filled with flowers that you can run around freely on, lmao. As much as I can enjoy being on Twitter, it also feels like walking on a bed of nails.

31. What’s a show that everyone loves that you didn’t? Grey’s Anatomy. I guess it’s the fault of my own expectations, too – I thought it was going to be Breaking Bad-levels of serious (because duh? hospitals?) and was surprised when the scenes turned out to be so cheesy.

32. What song is stuck in your head? Dreamers by Jungkook is stuck in my head because I’m currently half-watching a video where the chorus is just repeatedly playing, lol. 33. Do you like exercising? Hate it. Sorry, future 40-year-old self.

34. Do you scare easily? Very much so. I can be so jumpy.

35. Who are your top 5 celebrity crushes? I have 7 and it’s kinda clear who they would be.

36. If you could learn one language fluently what would it be? Korean.

37. Would you fly to the moon if given the opportunity? I mean if it were for a genuine scientific purpose then yeah. I wouldn’t just accept a commercial flight to the moon or outer space.

38. What’s your favorite flower? Peonies.

39. What non-sexual touch affects you the most? Touching my hair is a rare form of intimacy I enjoy.

40. Do you enjoy cuddling? Not really.

41. Do you like valentine’s day? It’s fun to celebrate when you’re not single, I’ll say that much.

42. Do you enjoy driving and are you a good driver? I enjoy it in a sense that I have a complete hold over my time, and knowing how to drive just makes everything more convenient. Going out for dinner but I have 48347394 bags? Leave them all in the car. Mom telling me to go back home when I’m still in an intriguing convo with friends? I have the keys, lol. Idk if I’m a good driver but I definitely follow the rules, use my turn signals, and am probably the most generous driver alive haha.

43. What would you be most likely to become famous for? Writing.

44. Do you have a favorite quote? Not a quote exactly but a song lyric - “I hope you don't forget that giving up decisively also counts as courage.”

45. Are you a romantic? I definitely can be.

46. Do you have any tattoos or want to get one? Nope and kinda yup.

47. Biggest pet peeve? It doubles as a judgmental, not-so-understanding trait of mine, but the act of being overly picky about food.

48. Favorite personality trait about yourself? I would always put others’ needs first way before my own.

49. Sum up your type in three words. I don’t know.

50. Do you listen to Kpop and if so who is your bias and why? Yes. Namjoon from BTS...he’s just so smart ugh.

51. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed awake? Little over 24 hours, but haven’t done that since college.

52. Hot or cold weather? COLD. I’d rather be layered up than sweat through my clothes.

53. Bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates? Flowers.

54. Can you do any good impressions? Just Kermit the Frog and Mr. Bean, which are both relatively easy to imitate lol.

55. What’s the best prank you’ve been witness to? Honestly the prank where my parents handed me a brand new Macbook box only to reveal my then-current, broken-down laptop inside was a pretty good prank hahaha (yes, they did give me an actual new laptop minutes after).

56. Favorite dessert? Cheesecakes, macarons, or cupcakes with chocolate frosting!

57. Is there a vine or tik tok you quote often? “A child.”

58. What tumblr post always makes you laugh?

59. What country that you haven’t been to do you want to visit most? Morocco.

60. Can you cook and do you enjoy it? I can’t. I don’t know how to, at least.

61. What’s your guilty pleasure movie? TWILIGHT

62. What’s your comfort movie? Toy Story or Love Actually.

63. Is there a genre of music you don’t like? Country and 90s hiphop/R&B/rap.

64. What’s an album that you think has no skips on it? Indigo by Namjoon; MOTS:7 by BTS, After Laughter by Paramore.

65. What’s your favorite thing to watch on youtube? BTS stuff.

66. Would you make the first move to ask someone out? I have in the past.

67. Do you often dream or have nightmares that you remember when you wake up? Not always.

68. What are you craving right now? Sleep.

69. What turns you on? Idk man I’ve felt asexual for quite some time now.

70. What’s something you haven’t done that you think most people have? Get chickenpox.

71. What genre is your favorite playlist right now and what’s it called? I don’t have a favorite playlist but I have been loving K-pop for the last two years; I’m also fairly confident that that’s not changing any time soon.

72. Are you a sad or happy drunk? Chill or energetic drunk? I’m anything but sad. Like I can shift between happy, chill, or energetic, or be all of those things together depending on the general mood, the people, or what I simply feel like being,

73. What time of day do you like best? 9 PM onwards. I love making the most out of my evenings.

74. Do you tend to enjoy being babied or do you prefer to be the one taking care of someone else? Oh I definitely enjoy being both. There are things I wanna take initiative on, but there are other situations, like when I’m the youngest in a group, where I can enjoy the extra attention being given to me haha.

75. What top three cities do you want to travel to? Seoul, Barcelona, Chicago.

76. What’s your favorite feature about your best friend? She has beautiful big eyes.

77. Do you have any pets? What are their names? Cooper and Agi.

78. Back scratches or having your hair played with? I’d go with hair. I’m very ticklish so most back scratches would make me jump.

79. Do you like surprises? I mean yeah, as long as it doesn’t mean I’m the victim of a cruel prank.

80. What’s your favorite picture of yourself? I don’t think I’ve shot it yet. Maybe my college grad pic would be the closest to being my favorite? I like how I look in it and it also makes me proud, so it’s a win-win all around.

81. What books influenced you most as a child? I had a really fun time reading The Septimus Heap series by Angie Sage and I think it’s fair to say it really helped me shape and cement my love for writing.

82. Do you like kids? For the most part. But I hate when they are clearly the result of bad parenting from the get-go.

83. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? (or other accessory if you don’t wear any) The necklace that Reena gave me which has a purple heart charm. Also the only piece of jewelry I own, really.

84. Any wild stories passed around in your family? Sure. Filipino families are crazy and I’m sure every one of us has got a wild story or five.

85. Do you consider yourself an independent person? Yeah, for the most part.

86. What are you most comfortable sleeping in? Not too particular with this, just airy and thin stuff as it gets pretty warm here.

87. What was your childhood dream? I wanted to be a writer/author. It only came to a halt when I accepted how bad I was at writing stories and poems.

88. What’s your fictional OTP? Hm. I don’t go as hard for fictional OTPs as I used to in my teenage years lol but I wanna say Taejin? Like if I had to pick a BTS ship to go down with it would be them; idk I guess I just gained so much love and appreciation for their dynamic after learning about their 2017 fight.

89. What’s one thing you want to achieve this year? Try a new restaurant for every 2023 weekend, or at least most weekends of this year. I already did that today!

90. What has been your favorite book you’ve read in the last 5 years? I have not finished a single book in that timeframe.

91. What was the first movie to make you cry? Good question, because I have no idea. If I had to take a wild guess - Bridge to Terabithia.

92. What book world would you live in if given the opportunity? I don’t know enough literary universes to pick one.

93. What’s your craziest work related story? I wasn’t there when it happened but basically somebody got caught spending money using the company card, which is usually arranged to be connected to our personal Grab accounts for any work-related deliveries. Only she wasn’t just using the card for work, but also for her personal food deliveries, personal courier deliveries, taxi rides, grocery deliveries, etc. So basically embezzling.

94. What’s the best job you’ve had so far? I’ve had one so far and it’s pretty ok except for the times it makes me want to quit and die.

95. Worst tinder or date experience? I’ve never been on a casual, non-serious date.

96. What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up most mornings? What time is it and how much time I have left to stay in bed.

97. Are you more of a planner or a spontaneous adventurer? I make topline plans, but am also very much open to bouts of spontaneity here and there as long as they don’t lead to any inconvenience.

98. Do you think you see yourself the way other people see you? Probably not.

99. What’s the last show you binged? The Walking Dead. 100. What’s one of your fondest memories? Riding an airplane for the first time and being in shambles because I didn’t know my ears were going to be feeling all weird. I thought it was the end of the world, lmao.

[jojonokimyounaboukeneyesofheaven]

havent posted here in a bit, its been very up n down, some days ive been doing better n like gave had little to no anxiety and actually went oht n Done shit vut like for every day that happens i relapse into like

horrible thoughts and anxiety and depression where i jist have to sit in bed n try not cry sometimes so idk

nothing like major though in terms of like suicidal thoughts anymore which is really what i went here to vent out usually hence less posds which is a plus ig

i have like if i let my mind get clear any now tho where i dont have Something to occupy myself i am like immediately just like Dam. what is there to look foward to.. what is there to want to achieve or do anymore what is there to wake up for u shoukd kys u have like nothing but 60 or less years of suffering awaitinf ahead of u, ur in ur mid 20s so its like impossible to find someone rn and u do doordash and like even if u did find someone you have so much weird shit and stipulations now that like how would u even get ur foot in the door abt that shit anyways idk idk it sucks not having anything to live for anymore i legit just cannot find anything to keep going other than like watching shit on yt?

i cried yesterday cause i miss my cat and my dogs a lot, i want that sort of unconditional love and shit they give and that i can hug and oet on them and they actually wnjoy it i wish i could have a pet here if i had that id be so much more happier but rn i am just so touch and love deprived i have nothing and it just sucks atleast blake atill talks to me but like idk i appreciate it but i like idk ahahahaha idk

atleast i got joab now tho and that gives me somethi g to do so im not just rotting away in bed anymore. i have been very conflicted if i want to wish u a happy bday when it comes in a month cause like i want to be nice n msg u n mayb get to talk to u but i also like think i should just drop it and not do that and i like think both are right and i legit just cannot decide idk. maybe i will maybe i wont i probably will tho despite better judgement just vause i want to like see u so even if jt just ends in you being mean or me like crying or whatever atleast then ill Know like ahahaha to just give up then which id like

oh yea last bit pokemon go is very fun and i love living in a walkable place for it now i Get it now

[opalesense]

the last appointment

zhongli & gn!reader

3.4k words • ~25 min. read

summary: as a studious and credible fortune teller in liyue, you discover something about your last client of the week that completely derails your outlook on life.

warnings: liyue arc spoilers, little bit of existential dread, slight mention of family member’s death

notes: might make more parts to this idk?  just kinda wanted to dip my toes into genshin writing for the first time!!

LIFE IN LIYUE HARBOUR seemed to be repetitive and mundane.  For the past few years, you would wake up, open your fortune telling shop, analyze the futures of your clients using your geomancy, possibly take a stroll around Liyue when you needed to run errands, and then call it a day.  You performed the same routine constantly, sometimes travelling beyond the harbor to collect crystals and magical supplies for your shop, but rarely did anything truly change in your routine.  If something was off in the slightest, it was never too exciting to note.

   As anyone would have suspected, you were tired of your state of limbo in life.  Other vision holders seemed to be going on adventures, travelling with companions and exploring the vast mountains and valleys of Teyvat.  Other vision holders seemed to be fighting against evil, helping citizens, and saving the world from imminent dangers.  You could even recall a recent event where the Qixing had evacuated the harbor to defeat a terrifying sea monster.  The Jade Chamber had been sacrificed for the safety of the people of Liyue, and yet here you were, playing with a bunch of rocks for a living.  Despite being able to grasp the glowing Geo vision that held your coat together, you could not grasp why you felt doomed to tend to this shop for the rest of your days.

   You didn’t know where or how to “start” your life.  The small, inherited establishment from your late aunt was located in the small alley of Chihu Rock, practically out of sight from most of the foot traffic in the harbor.  Not many people came to visit, though your name was still decently known.  In fact, most of your appointments were simply previous clients from your aunt, regulars that relied on her readings for years and believed you were the next best thing after she passed.  Especially considering you were the first vision holder in your family, it made your credibility even stronger.

   You still remember how you got your vision.  The morning after your aunt had passed, the elemental gift somehow made its way into your hand as if the timing was meant to be perfect.  You didn’t celebrate such a special and momentous occasion with pride or joy.  Your face stiff with tears, you instead reflected on why you received your vision at that moment in the first place.  With the shop doors closed upstairs, you gripped your vision and did what you felt needed to be done.  With your family’s legacy and tradition on the line, adventuring like other vision wielders was not a priority at the time.

   But after years alone of research, a social life consisting only of interacting with customers, and a constant state of grieving the experiences you could’ve had in your youth, you were now in your late twenties and closing the shop for the day.  Your last appointment was either extremely late or not showing up at all and you were tired of working today, just like every other day. Regret gripped you tightly as you wondered how you managed to get yourself in such a boring, slow burning loop.

   That is until the shop door opened, eliciting a gasp from you at the sudden noise, shattering the previous thought.  You accidentally dropped the basket of cor lapis you were refilling and immediately knelt down to pick up the precious pieces that thankfully hadn’t cracked on the way down.

   “Hello, [Y/N],” the tall figure practically glided through the doorway, “My deepest apologies for being late.”

   He closed the door behind him, “...and for startling you, it seems.”

   You sighed, checking for any scratches on the gems and sighed again with relief based on the good results.  You grinned to hide the fact you had just been in deep thought.  “It’s quite alright, Mr. Zhongli.  It’s kind of you to stop by at the very least, even if you’re late.”

   Mr. Zhongli was one of your aunt’s longtime clients.  Since you were a child, your aunt had always described Mr. Zhongli as a complex yet thoughtful man that had always shown kindness to your family for many years.  When Mr. Zhongli learned of your aunt’s death and began to receive readings from you instead, you quickly realized what your aunt meant by calling him complex.  Mr. Zhongli was truly a tough nut to crack in every single reading, his sessions taking longer than most other cases.  That is why Mr. Zhongli would always offer to take the last spot of the day at the end of every week as to not trouble any of your other clients.

   As you took a few of the best cor lapis from the basket, you could see Mr. Zhongli’s acts of kindness and thoughtfulness unfold in front of you.  He seemed to carry what was now clearly a gift basket at closer inspection.

   “This gift is for you,” Mr. Zhongli took a few steps forward to set the basket on a countertop.  “I brought you your favorites.  Slow cooked bamboo shoot soup, qingxin, glaze lilies, and all the crystals I could find…  needless to say, let this be a token of my appreciation for your patience and hard work from our last few sessions.  I know I am not the easiest to read, but you truly have a talent.”

   You were speechless at the gesture as your eyes sunk into the intricate detail of the handwoven basket and decorated items inside.  No one had ever done something so kind for you in so long.  It was astonishing enough that he remembered your favorite soup that you mentioned only once a few months ago, let alone your favorite flowers and crystals as well.  “Thank you so much, Mr. Zhongli!   I’m at a loss for words – this is so thoughtful of you!”

   “I even brought you that Rex Incognito series you had mentioned, although, I am not sure why you would need to read the series when I am fully capable of educating you on the history of Rex Lapis myself,” he flaunted, taking his seat on the cushioned chair in front of the reading table.

   “Now, Mr. Zhongli...” you picked out some prithiva topaz from another basket, following the usual protocol you had with such a personalized, frequent client like him. The required materials for his readings were imprinted into your memory like carvings in stone. “You know I don’t want to burden you with my curiosity.  And with such an intriguing topic like Rex Lapis... once I start asking questions I’m afraid I will not stop.”

   “I have all the time in the world,” he got comfortable in his seat as you sat yourself across from him, “I truly think it would benefit you to discuss the history of Rex Lapis with a learned scholar such as myself.  We can even have some tea as we discuss.”

   You chuckled at his eagerness.  He seemed more forward than usual. “You are too kind, Mr. Zhongli.  Perhaps I’ll take that offer someday, but at least let me put those books to good use first. Maybe I won’t need to bombard you with questions if I’m already well briefed on the subject.”

   He sighed happily.  “You make a good point. And you will enjoy them, I’m sure.”

   You settled into your seat as you arranged the crystals between the two of you.  “The usual for tonight?”

   “Yes, please.”

   Your hands meticulously placed the last crystal in its spot on the surface.  You closed your eyes and hovered your hands above the rocks, clearing your mind to make way for the usual reading: a reflection on the past, any significant events of the present to focus on, and some insight into the future.  You held this hand gesture for awhile, letting the energy from the rocks lift into the air and envelop your gloved palms.  When you felt there was enough energy to work with, you opened your eyes to reveal the manifestation of his thoughts in front of you, able to take its physical form using the powers from your glowing vision.

   No one had ever taught your this skill, not even your aunt.  If you had to bloat your own ego, one could say you invented this Geo fortune telling process yourself. The process indeed came to you naturally, a true display of pure talent.

   You slowly lifted your hands to allow the visual manifestation to settle on the table among the gems so Mr. Zhongli could watch his reading unfold in front of him as well.

   “Let us analyze the past first,” he spoke, already knowing the routine without you needing to ask him where to start.  You slowly waved your hands as if you were digging a hole in sand on a beach, the manifestation displaying ambiguous patterns that wouldn’t make sense to any commoner’s eyes but could be interpreted easily by yours.

   Two pairs of focused eyes fixated on the picture as you spoke your mind out loud.  “You have recently given up something extremely important to you, it seems.  I see you handing over something…  small, physically, yet unbelievably significant and personal.  I can’t tell what it is exactly, only that it glows like the sun with its energy.  But you have handed this important object over to a very... evil... figure?” you cocked your eyebrow, confused.  “You seem to be brooding over the fact that its aura is dark with malicious intentions.”  You hesitated, “Well, that can’t be right, can it?”

   He sighed.  “Unfortunately, that is indeed what happened recently.  But it had to be done.”

   “Didn’t we talk about a similar situation in a previous reading?  If I remember correctly, I thought I had advised you to not give up whatever that object was.”

   “I am aware of the consequences that will follow.  Especially with your future guidance, I’m sure the events following this one questionable decision will unfold in a better way soon enough.”

   “I will always be here to help you, Mr. Zhongli.  But please be careful in the future with these decisions.  The importance of this object seems to be off the charts.”

   He nodded.  “It is as you say.  Please, have faith in me now. I cannot change what happened in the past, after all.”

   You hovered over this image of the sacrifice.  You couldn’t make out what this object was, no matter how close you tried to inspect it.  It had the likings of a chess piece, but surely this wasn’t simply a chess piece, was it?

   “Let us move on, if that is alright with you,” his low voice cut the silence.

   You wiped the image from your mind and waved your hands again, as if you were slowly putting the sand back into the hole you dug before.  If the last image wasn’t enough bad news, this new one that formed was even more painful to witness.

   “You have been grieving your losses very recently,” you said gently.  “Your mind is currently weighed down by your past.  I see you looking out at the sea in deep thought.  There are flashes of…”

   You stopped as you inspected the graphic images that suddenly appeared beyond your hands.  You gasped at the terrifying horrors.

   “What is it?” the low voice tried to search for understanding of what you were seeing.  Even though the image was clearly laid out in front of him, it was still too ambiguous to tell when he lacked your years of experience.

   “There are flashes of war,” your breath stifled as you watched his thoughts splayed out in images of lifeless bodies and destruction.  “Very graphic details of war and death.  Mr. Zhongli, I believe this image of suffering has been weighing over your mind like an anchor in the sea.”

   He paused to process your comparison.  “That is... a very good way to put it.”

   “Though, I believe that despite the sorrow that emanates in this image, you are in a state of relief and tranquility.  It seems you are grieving, but you are simultaneously at peace,” you hesitated again, “Yet I wonder what these graphic images of war are meant to represent.  Surely we are not in an actual war, are we? Perhaps you are at war with your past, wanting to move on but haunted by your memories?”

  Mr. Zhongli unfortunately knew the images you were seeing were, in fact, real events he had experienced in his life time and the truth was that lately he had been reminiscing on these events.  Mortal life is kind to humans for them to be blissfully unaware and carefree of these harsh realities, he internally commented.

  He still put your analysis into thought, though.

  “I am haunted, indeed.  I have been attempting to come to terms with my troubled past, just as you advised me only a few weeks ago.  I have tried to follow your guidance, and although they resurface what I have been trying to repress, I believe I am coming to peace with what happened.”

  You grinned.  “That is very good to hear, Mr. Zhongli.  I believe you are currently making good progress when it comes to moving on.  Just remember that it is okay to remember your sorrow.  Let your emotions pass through you instead of repressing them or rushing to move on.  It is okay to take your time and let the thoughts bubble inside of you for awhile.”

  He closed his eyes as you continued, letting your advice seep in.  You continued. “Imagine the stillness of the sea.  Many creatures and lost remnants take their place in the depths of the waters, but on the surface we see constantly moving yet serene waves wash over what is hidden below.  Your memories are there to stay, Mr. Zhongli.  But your present self, the surface of the water, can peacefully coexist with whatever is hiding deep within.  Let these thoughts weigh you down momentarily, but rest assured, you will find balance and acceptance in due time.”

  His eyes fluttered open as he reflected over your words.  You always seemed to know what to say.  “Your words have truly resonated with me, [Y/N].  And you are absolutely correct.  I have been fighting these memories to avoid the pain, but it had not dawned on me that sorrow is... what I am meant to feel, not push away.  I suppose your advice has put my mind at a bit more ease, and I suppose I am focusing too much on when I will be able to move on rather than allowing my thoughts to coexist for a moment.”

  “Now you’re getting it,” you grinned with the relief that washed over his face.

  “Shall we move on?” he offered.

  You got to work on the last segment of the reading.  If manifesting the other images didn’t take long enough, reading one’s future always took the longest.  Interpreting an event that hasn’t happened yet always made you a bit nervous with your words.  You never wanted to let a client down with an inaccurate reading.

  On the contrary, this reading, despite taking quite awhile to appear on the surface on the table, was very clear.

  “That is undoubtedly an image of me,” your eyes glazed over the facial features of the person in the manifestation.  “I apologize for the delay, Mr. Zhongli, I must have accidentally let my thoughts seep into yours–“

  “Do not fret, I believe this is accurate,” he interrupted.  “Keep going.”

  Your perplexed expression remained as you continued the reading.  “I am admittedly stumped.  There is nothing left in this image.  I suppose it is simply me standing in what looks like some ruins.  I am holding a staff, or some kind of long object.”  You paused to think out loud.  “Why am I in your reading?  What could this possibly mean?”

  Mr. Zhongli chuckled as you thought out loud.  “Perhaps this is a good time to tell you why you are in my thoughts.”

  “I’d love to hear it, I have never appeared in someone’s reading in my last decade and a half of experience.  This is quite unique.”

  He folded his hands in his lap, “For some reason, I have had this strange vision of training you.  I’m not sure why, since you don’t seem like the fighting type, but there is some voice inside me that is telling me you are destined for something great and i need to take some part in it.  What do you think, now that you see this vision as well?”

  Your eyebrows rose in shock.  “Training me?  I guess this does relate to something I have been pondering as of late.  I do not want to lay out my troubles on you though, my job is to interpret your life, not mine.”

  “Our lives have clearly intertwined in this vision,” he insisted, “Please do not hold back for my sake. I have the time.”

  You thought for a moment.  How could you form the words without seeming too selfish? How could you maintain professionalism by talking about your personal problems?

  “I am not the fighting type, Mr. Zhongli.  Though, lately I have been quite depressed about the fact that I am not doing as much with my vision as other vision holders are.  My life is uninteresting.  The truth is that I am a simple fortune teller that plays with rocks.  I hope you can understand why I am failing to interpret this reading,” you apologized. “It’s because this doesn’t seem characteristic of me at all.  And with all due respect, after giving you readings for years, I would have never guessed you were versed in combat to train me!”

  He chuckled.  “I respectfully disagree.  To tell you the truth, your talents surpass the abilities of many other vision holders.  Not everyone can read thoughts or tell the future.  Now that I mention it, I know of one talented astrologist in Mondstadt, but think about that.  You are one in hundreds of thousands in Teyvat,” he reassured.  “You did not receive your vision for no reason and I truly believe you are destined for something big.  I regret not being able to realize this before.”

  “How are you so sure of this?  I would love to believe you, but I’m afraid I am not destined for much, really.  Again, I am simply a fortune teller.  What could I possibly do for Liyue other than read some rocks?”

  He sighed and connected his palms with yours, interrupting the reading and wiping the manifestation off the table.  The hovering crystals dropped onto the surface, making you gasp at the sudden sound.

  “I am not who you think I am,” his amber eyes finally met yours for the first time this evening, which sent a chill down your spine.  “Promise me you will not fret, for what I am about to show you may shock you.”

  “What do you mean?  What are you doing, Mr. Zhongli?” you slightly panicked as he firmly grasped your hands.

  Suddenly, the room was engulfed in golden light that emitted from the seat across from you.  Scattered, distorted images of a mystical dragon, a devastating war, and seven seats in Celestia flashed across your eyes as you stared at the beams of light.  Death seemed to swallow you, but not take you.  The baskets of crystals around the room shook with the surge of energy.  The world seemed to destroy itself then remake itself over and over again within fleeting moments.  These thousands of years of memories made your body tremble.  It all happened within fleeting moments, and after a few seconds of your senses being overwhelmed, you finally pulled yourself together and connected the dots.

  His expanded knowledge of Liyue’s history.  The sudden gift of your vision immediately after your aunt passed.  Grieving his losses and having flooded thoughts of war and death.  Offering combat training.  Remembering your favorites the same way he would remember Liyue’s customs and traditions.  His glowing amber eyes alone.

  Mr. Zhongli was the God of Contracts and overseer of Liyue.  Rex Lapis, a being that lived for millennia, sat in the seat across from you. He had been posing as a mere mortal for years, taking readings as if he were any normal customer. The realization shook you to your core as you sat there bewildered, grateful, and horrified at the same time.

  He let go of your hands after seeing that the information successfully processed in your mind.  He saw something in you that was yet to be awakened, where the sky was the limit under your own expectations.  This daydream of his was no simple vision – it was a calling.  Internally, whether you agreed to it or not, he vowed that he would not leave your life until your true destiny was fulfilled.

  He would see this vow fulfilled by offering you a contract that would change the course of your life forever.

[zevlors-tail]

Okay but hear me out

Dad villain Izuku.

( I mean dadzuku for the won but still!)

Like, him having his precious little boy/girl?

Fierce protective dad?

Huh...kinda sounds like the start of a Mob AU.

Idk i just like dad izuku so I thought you might too!

You have just opened a can of worms you cannot close!!! Haha but really, here's some pregnancy/baby headcanons because a lot of people tend to enjoy that. Not really my cup of tea, but I'll make an exception here. To your credit, you've got me really thinking on this. 😳

“Not really my cup of tea”, I say, as I make the world’s longest headcanons about Vil!Deku being a dad.

TW: Pregnancy, children, cursing. :)

Dad Villain!Deku HC's

-Look, Vil!Deku is already possessive as fuck. The second he finds out you're pregnant? He will literally be attached to you at the hip. Can't go anywhere without this man. Can you say coddling?

-He's so thrilled and nervous at the same time. Not about being a bad parent or anything, more about you or your child getting injured, threatened, or put in danger.

-It started with some symptoms that looked like the run of the mill flu. You probably got pretty bad morning sickness, and he fussed over you the whole time; held your hair back for you, rubbed your back, made you tea, the whole nine yards.

-Both of you just thought it was a stomach bug. But you just kept getting sick, and Deku actually took some time off work to stay with you and make sure you were okay (what a gentleman).

-After a week of being sick, this man is so concerned about you and your health that he calls a doctor to your place to take a look at you. God help that poor doctor because if he even looks at you the wrong way, Deku will obliterate him.

-Doctor asks if you could be pregnant, and both of you just kind of go quiet.

-Deku had thought of that possibility but refused to acknowledge it because something that good? Happening to an outcast like him? A criminal? To someone who was never worthy enough to be a hero? No. Way.

-But it did! You can probably see Deku's eyes visibly sparkle when the doc asks that question. The doctor leaves with the theory that you're pregnant and tells you to take a test.

-Congratulations! You're both going to be parents!

-Everything is so different after that. Deku has always been soft on you because you're his Sweet, but he's extra soft and caring now. Also extremely protective and possessive?

-"It's just the grocery store. I can do it myself, it's alright!" You're out of groceries? He's going with you. You can't argue it. "I'll go with you." "What if someone recognizes you?" "They won't say a word about it. I’ll make sure of it." You know what that means...

-Pregnancy cravings are wild, but he's miraculously got it covered. Never forgets a single craving you've had. Always has your favorite foods on hand, including the odd ones. Pickles? There's three whole jars in the fridge. Certain flavor of chips? Always a bag in the pantry. And if there's ever an instance where you crave something he doesn't have on hand, he makes his lackeys go get it while he stays at home with you. But if he absolutely had to, he would get it himself.

-Nobody is allowed to touch you, especially not now that you're carrying his child. If anyone so much as breathes too close to you, they're toast.

-Keeps tabs on you 24/7. Has to know where you're at and that you're okay or he's worrying 25/8.

-Somehow he's even more crazy about you? Just the fact that you're pregnant with his child is enough to stir him up any day, any time. You've definitely caught him staring at your stomach obsessively several times.

-Takes THEE best care of you. You are your child's lifeline and the love of his life, so you have to stay healthy and happy. Once again...can you say coddling? Makes sure you've eaten throughout the day, brings you water, makes you rest, runs you hot baths, generally just keeps an eye on you to make sure you're okay. Oh, and if you're working? Say goodbye to that job for now. No way you're doing anything strenuous while he can help it.

-If you for some reason insist on keeping the 9-5 job and you manage to convince him otherwise, he visits you on your lunch break whenever he can and hacks into the security cameras way too often for his own good. Literally will be in the middle of a meeting watching live feed from your store. 

-Whenever the kid is due, he’s gonna have a bit of a rough time during the whole process. It’s hard for him, because he doesn’t trust the doctors and nurses at the hospital to give you top notch care when he’s not there, and he can’t really take you there anyways because of his villain status (do you think maybe villains have hospitals and resources for each other?? That would be kind of cool...). He ends up pulling some strings with a fellow vigilante/former villain connection who works in the hospital, and they work out some sort of undercover deal probably?

-Don’t question, just accept. He’s got it all covered. He gets to stay with you through everything and he’s got the best doctors and nurses on your case, top notch, extremely professional and comforting for you. They don’t bat an eye at a villain and his s/o and child, they just do their job and keep quiet about it (how does some extra cash sound?).

-Super tense right up until it’s all done. If looks could kill, everyone in that room besides you and the baby would be dead. But he softens right up once he gets to hold the baby. Despite you being extremely tired, you’re glad you stayed awake to see this, because there’s a certain look on his face. For a second, it almost seems like he’s back to how he was before...almost as if he was never a villain in the first place. The hope in his eyes is reminiscent of something old and nostalgic; it reminds you of when he aspired to be a hero. But still it’s not quite right.

-He is immediately mesmerized by your child. “They look like you...” He’s never held something so vulnerable before and felt so...warm, other than the times he’s held you.

-He would kill for both you and your child. If anyone ever threatened you or put the both of you in a dangerous situation, he would drop everything without a second thought to come running to save you. Pray for anyone who comes between the two of you; Deku will make sure they meet a fate worse than death.

-You both take turns taking care of the baby when they wake you up at night, but Deku will be willing to get up before you do nine out of ten times. He loves his child, he really does. It gives him something to take care of and nurture and it makes him feel hopeful again. That kid is his pride and joy.

-There was one time (but only one, because you absolutely ripped into him for it) where you heard the baby cry, and Deku offered to get up and take care of it, so you rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. But he never came back to bed, and the baby had been silent for a long time, so you got up to check on them to make sure they were alright, and what did you find? Deku, wide awake at his work desk with his laptop open, baby sitting comfortably on his lap with a bottle, and some surveillance footage and grotesque crime scene pictures pulled up. You were livid.

-”You better not be doing what I think you’re doing. You’re going to traumatize our child.” He looks like a deer caught in headlights when you interrupt his work. The baby just coos and gurgles, and you are absolutely mortified. He looks like he’s about to say something, and you cut him off before he can answer. “Whatever you’re going to say better be a damn good apology, Deku.” Oh, he’s in trouble all right. He just slowly shuts his laptop and brings the baby over to you. Kisses can fix everything, right? ;) He better hope so.

-Even though he’s a villain, the baby always goes quiet when he holds them. It’s like magic, almost. Sometimes you can’t get them to stop crying, and Deku will just come up and look at him with those soft eyes he reserves for only the two of you, and the baby just starts cooing and reaching out for him. Gee, favorites much?

-Never was there ever a moment more peaceful and serene than the time you came home to Deku asleep on the couch with his arms cradled around your child, face soft from sleep and the baby breathing lightly. You feel so lucky to have this in your life. It’s not easy being villains, but this was something you never expected to have, and it’s changed both of you for the better. 

Bonus:

-If Deku still has a relationship with his mom, you can bet he gets her to babysit when you decide to go back to work (if you do at all, because he really wants you to stay at home with him and the baby).

-If your mother wasn’t the best or isn’t around, congrats, Mama Midoriya is now your mother, and there is nothing you can do about it. And honestly? Deku loves seeing the way you bond with her. He’s made himself a tiny family that loves him for who he is. There’s no greater feeling in the world than that.

[wangshuus]

time is an illusion | venti

pairing: venti/gn!reader

genre: angst+fluff

wc: 1.4k

summary: time was never an issue to the bard until you stepped into his life.

note: this is my venti summoning post. i’m emptying my wallet. please come home!! i wanted to do this concept for zhongli but v e n t i summoning. if anyone wants a zhongli version, tell me and i’ll consider. also idk what the hell i was writing i just brainrotted and slapped on whatever but please take this as my offering ;’)

lightly proof read, please excuse any errors

fic below the cut.

On the surface, Venti is known as the happy-go-lucky bard, his tunes travelling through the wind to be shared with all who care to listen but behind the easygoing facade of the joyous bard, there lived a lone Anemo Archon. Venti has been alone for as long as he could remember, encountering the few that would stay little longer than others. He is one to be appreciative of his encounters with others but most of the time, he took these encounters very lightly, keeping a form of distance between everyone despite his welcoming and carefree nature. In truth, there was always a small fear that bubbled within him at the thought of getting close to mortals. His memories served as nothing but a bittersweet reminder of the times he spent with those who he held close and although the thought of them makes him flutter with joy, he had to remind himself that they are nothing but memories now. 

The Windborne Bard is free-spirited, following the winds wherever they led him and one fateful day, they led him to you. He remembers the first time he encountered you, a peaceful soul that roamed around the lands of Mondstadt, finding your figure gathering Cecelias around Starsnatch Cliff, an area ways away from the city that you resided in. He went up to you that day, striking up a conversation about the pretty white flowers that littered the cliff. From that day forward, both your fates had intertwined in a way that Venti never would’ve expected. 

The two of you both sat underneath the large tree in Windrise, the leaves shielding you two from the beaming rays of sunlight. The bard strung the string of his lyre that formed a lovely tune that ended up lulling you to sleep as you rested your head on his shoulder. After your first encounter, you and the bard had formed quite the close relationship, so much so that you became his partner, his companion and his joy. As much as he loved to think about how you were his, he couldn’t help but think about the way your mortal self could so easily slip between his fingers.

For so long, the concept of time was something that Venti needed not to worry about. He had lived through so much of it and he had so much of it to live through as well so it was never really on his mind too often. It was only after he met you that time became somewhat of a concern for him. It was no secret that time was unforgiving to all, even the Archon himself. He’s seen many things come and go within his lifetime and for the most part, he’s had no problem with letting things go when the time comes but his heart hurts with the thought of letting you go. He didn’t want your smiles, your voice, your laughter or anything about you to become a memory to him. He didn’t want you to become nothing but a mere memory. 

He felt your form stirr awake as his shoulder felt lighter when you straightened up and turned to look at him for a moment before speaking.

“Hey what happened? Is something wrong? You stopped playing.” You softly spoke out, your voice a bit groggy from your nap.

Venti hadn’t even realized he had gotten so lost in thought that he had stopped playing.

“Ah, I’m sorry for waking you dear but worry not, there’s nothing to fear.” He cheekily said with a small grin quickly forming on his face to cover up the underlying somber look he had when he was unknowingly lost in thought.

“Ah-ah don’t give me that. I know that look you have when you’re actually thinking about something serious. A penny for your thoughts perhaps?” You spoke.

“Just… thinking about the future you could say.” He softly spoke out. You frowned at his words and tone of voice.

“Venti, you know we’ve had this conversation about the future before. Need I remind you what we’ve talked about?” 

“Yes I’m aware and I know. It is hard not to think about from time to time though.” He spoke again, setting down his lyre in the spot beside him. Your hand going for one of his own and lacing your fingers together. You begin to speak again.

“Everyone’s perception of time is different and I’m sure you’re greatly aware of that fact. Y’know, time feels like an illusion sometimes?” You said. Venti gave you a questioning look.

“There are times where the present feels like the only thing that exists. Everything in the now is the only thing to exist since by definition, what we consider to be the past and what we consider to be the future is nonexistent. The thoughts of the past and future are merely an inaccurate depiction of what the present was like and what it will be so virtually, they don’t exist, right? That’s what some people might think. It seems rather cruel to think about time like that, especially if time were to make a good thing end.” You trailed off. 

“Ah I’m rambling but that’s besides the point. I find myself to be the kind of person to live in the present but I don’t wish to disregard the existence of the past and future rather, I’d like to enjoy the moments and time we have together now since those are the times that I find are most precious to me.” You said as you smiled softly at him before continuing.

“It’s ok to think about what happened in the past and what will happen in the future but don’t let the worries of the two override the now. Let’s live in the present together so we don’t have to worry about what happened or what’s going to happen.” Your hand gripped onto his a little tighter.

“However, if there ever does come a day where something unfavourable happens, don’t fret. I like to believe every moment and event is fixed in time and is all equally important, even if we cannot directly experience any of it again. If our time and experiences become something of the past, they will remain forever, unchanging, perhaps timeless is a better word to use. I wish for all those experiences and the feeling felt within that time to stay as true as the time it happened, even if it becomes only a memory. Nonetheless, I’ll continue to love you in every lifetime I have because I can’t imagine loving anyone else but you, even in a different life.” You stated before going in to place a soft kiss on the side of his cheek.

The bard’s eyes were glossed over as he felt like he had to hold himself back from letting the waterworks fall from your heartfelt words. Your hand gently grazed one of his cheeks as if you were ready to wipe away the tears if they were to begin falling.

“My, I’m so sorry. Don’t start crying please.” You wailed out as Venti chuckles.

“It’s ok my dear, though it’s hard not to cry. Your words felt so sincere, but for you, I’ll try.” he said as he chuckled more to suppress his tears. 

“Don’t cry over me. Especially if I die because I’ll personally come back and haunt you.” You jokingly said before peppering his face in light kisses. In that moment, the soft winds kissed your own cheeks as the two of you basked in each other's presence.

Though Venti’s memories may not be the happiest, and his fight with time still ensues, he promises to himself that that’ll you and your moments together will shine brightly like the stars in his memories. He’ll bring down the arm that keeps himself at a distance to everyone else and pull you into his life. He’ll never regret loving you because you blessed him with the joy of being loved in a way he never thought he’d feel in his life. You will be the one that remains timeless and eternal in his memories, and he’ll continue to love you for all his time, again and again. 

---

The wind blew gently as the bard made his way up to the very edge of Starsnatch Cliff, looking beyond the view before averting his attention at the area below him at his feet. He sat down, beginning to strum a soft tune on his lyre, the music being carried with the winds as the tune went on. 

“We will happen again and again.” He sang softly to the grey stone in front of him with your name carefully engraved on it with fresh Cecelias decorating the patch.

“You and I will always be back then.”

this part doesn’t exist. aint seen a thing.

also cookie for anyone that knows the song ref 😌❤️

[hoediaz]

hello beloved bestie 3, 14, 15, 26, & 29 for baby buck <333 mwah mwah

MWAH thank u so much bestie

3. A song that reminds me of them

sorry but i physically cannot listen to the archer by taylor swift without crying about buck like. she wrote that about him on purpose. who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?...i wake in the night i pace like a ghost / the room is on fire invisible smoke / and all of my heroes die all alone / help me hold onto you it just makes me insane

but also everyone knows the archer is Buck's Song so have a second pick that i've been having a Moment with recently...disloyal order of water buffalos by fall out boy (yes fob <3) is also Buck's Song...i'm coming apart at the seams / pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams / doc, there's a hole where something was...i'm a loose bolt of a complete machine / what a match, i'm half-doomed and you're semi-sweet

14. Best storyline they had

honestly it's gonna be 5b i know it but also, maybe this is a niche pick, but the cat fish storyline. i remember so clearly watching that for the first time and just. Falling in love with buck. i already loved him, but in s1 i was a bobby girl 100% and it wasn't until the catfish storyline that i imprinted on him fr (he was so angry! but the second he heard the man's story he was SO empathic! he threatened a coroner to protect his dignity like...my angel fr)

15. Worst storyline they had

bt. next. MALFKS sorry but also not really. i DO think it'll be worth it and interesting in hindsight but right now i just can't stand it, get that woman away from him

26. When do you think they were being "themselves" the most?

honestly....idk if it's happened yet. this is mr software upgrade, mr "i hide my true feelings from others," mr "he hated himself so much he pretended to be someone else." idk if buck's ever been Himself all the way. i think 2x01, when he was jealous and bitter about eddie but heartfelt and loyal about abby, and excited but sceptical about maddie, it was such a huge turning point for him with the loss of abby + the (re)introduction of eddie and maddie that he didn't really have the space to be someone else. but also the entire daniel arc, the love me anyway scene? yeah. Yeah.

29. How do you think they would be as a parent? (and if they are a parent, how do you think they would be if they weren't?)

PLEASE that's the thing i'm SENSITIVE about. this is so funny too bc buck IS a parent but he also isn't...not to be super sad or anything but ouch. anyway, i think buck as a parent is SO attentive and affectionate to make up for everything he didn't get to have as a child that it could literally make me weep on command. sometimes i think about buck saying "i'm SO proud of you i've never been prouder" to christopher at the pier when they were playing a silly little game and want to d*e bc he's SO openly affectionate SO loving literally can't even talk about it i will start crying

character asks 🥰

[americachavez]

did cas really tell dean to kneel before their new god? did that actually happen? i thought him beating the shit out of dean in that alley was the most unrestrainedly horny thing this show had ever done ACTUALLY you know what scratch that new question: top horny moments from the cw's supernatural (2005 - 2020)

getting this ask feels like my sins of the last week have been weighed against the Trials I Have Gone Through since the premier of supernatural on the wb in september of 2005 and I’m not sure if it is a punishment or reward

some notes before we begin:

the ep with dean’s male siren was like, conceptually horny but not actually that horny because the dude was uglie. I’m sorry to this man

all you sam girls out there. I respect you but I do not respect jared padalecki who is JUST tall and has zero sex appeal. but those eps where he’s like, drinking ruby’s blood and then eating her pussy are. you know. I’ll give you that

I am ONLY UP TO SEASON 10 so fair warning this is not comprehensive but the horniness does seem to drop off sharply after the mark of cain is no longer in play lol gotta love a good demon murder tattoo plot

this is easily the most insane thing I’ve ever done, including the destiel manifesto

S1 EP12: the scene where dean gets healed by the faith healer, on his knees with a hand in his hair and looking somewhere between religious ecstasy, brain death and an orgasm. starting this list off great

S1 EP22: azazel possessing john winchester. no I will not explain further if u know u know <3

S3 EP10: dean being taunted by a dream version of himself, this is where we first got the daddy’s blunt little instrument line. still burned in my hippocampus a good 13 years later thank yew

S4 EP1: dean crawling out of his own grave covered in grave dirt. hot. the HANDPRINT. HOT. also tangent but this reveal after the s3 finale was WILD back in 2008 I hollered in my dorm room after canvassing for obama. simpler times man

S4 EP 1: cas’ intro scene. the barn. the shadow wings. the hair??? getting stabbed in the chest by the man you just pulled out of hell. getting aaaallll up in that personal space. his little eyebrow. “you don’t think you deserve to be saved.” OUTRAGEOUSLY FLAMING

S4 EP02: “I dragged you out of hell I can throw you back in.” <<< this angel tops. mark dean down as scared and horny etc

S4 EP16: this ENTIRE EPISODE but specifically the part where dean tortures alastair as some kind of foreplay and then alastair kicks his ass. carved you into a new animal. jesus.

S4 EP16: wait I forgot about the part where cas also gets his ass kicked and looks all....hm. dazed and covered in blood while he’s on his knees and about to die. yeah.

S5 EP4: I mean this entire ep is unfairly horny considering everyone is dying of a zombie plague and hasn’t showered in like, 4 years but if I had to pick one hmmm. the dean/dean interrogation scene with the panty kink yeah I know it’s not original but hm. it happened. also misha collins just being able to convey that CAS IS A FLEXIBLE SLUT with a single roll of his shoulders. who SAYS this man can’t act!!!!!

S5 EP18: the ALLEY SCENE. DEAN DOESN’T FIGHT BACK. CAS HOLDS HIM UP OFF THE GROUND AND THEN THROWS HIM ACROSS THE ALLEY. WHY DID EVERYONE THINK CAS COULDN’T TOP. you all had brainworms.

S5 EP18: when cas locks dean in the panic room to stop him from saying yes to michael and “well cas not for nothing but the last person who looked at me like that I got laid” I hate this show. wait I think the blow me cas line is in this episode too what the fuck were they on here

S6 EP5: the scene where dean gets turned into a vampire. between the old dude who I think calls dean a pretty boy (??) and soulless sam....watching??? no ******* but there were just some absolutely foul energies in that scene and I still do not understand WHAT they were thinking

S6 EP20: cas doing a double smite on two demons by slamming them to the ground and then shoving another demon back in its vessel and then smiting him in the same motion. TOP. ENERGY.

S6 EP22: season 6 is possibly cas’ horniest season because he’s like, going through angel puberty after getting his first boner for dean, but the final cas eps are. whoof. cas eats a bunch of souls and proclaims himself to be a new god in order to handle said boner, and then the season ends with cas telling them to bow down and profess their love to him, their new lord, or he will destroy them. note: the way this is framed makes it look like cas is only staring at dean while he says this, even though sam and bobby are also there. the season ends with dramatic zooms on both cas and dean’s faces respectively. this made me actively regret ditching this show after s5 lol

S8 EP??: literally EVERY SINGLE PURGATORY FLASHBACK. cas dean and benny are all purgatory hot in the “pop 10 cranberry pills and risk the UTI” kind of way but also. dean being the hot girl bottom between two tops who hate each other. I really. whew. I need to go take a shower.

S8 EP17: if I get canceled for including the crypt scene on this list I blame you bud. but dean on his knees begging a brainwashed cas to stop killing him WAS sexy. how many times has dean been on his knees in this list wait there’s another one coming up next jsldjfsldkjf

S9 EP2: abaddon getting dean on his knees (YEAH) and pulling his hair and praising him for always coming when called HELLO???? the only thing that ruins this is dean says “I can’t tell if we’re gonna fight or make out” because this is the CW and they won’t let him say fuck

S9 EP6: ah. this entire episode is Emotionally Horny but the horny horny part is when they’re in the car and dean is telling cas to unbutton his shirt and. watches. I know this was on my destiel manifesto but I need it here too

S9 EP9: cas, covered in blood, slitting another angel’s throat and eating his grace after getting tortured. that shot alone made me understand why this website was so goddamn horny for misha collins for nearly a damn decade

S9 EP11: MARK OF CAIN BABEY. cain watching dean beat up a bunch of demons as an audition for taking on the mark, while crowley also is a fucking voyeur to the whole thing. cain is also a hot silver fox with daddy energies. I said what I said

S9 EP 16: dean getting the first blade. he’s chained to a pillar and being menaced by a foppish dandy who wants to add him to his “collection” (WOW). dean then kills him with the blade and whew. murder is sexy sometimes

S9 EP21: dean being pinned against a wall by abaddon’s power, then using the mark of cain to break her hold, calling the first blade to him psychically and then killing her. god the mark of cain is hot

S9 EP23: dean waking up with the demon eyes NUT

S10 EP2: demon dean beating up that dude with the boring backstory and kicking his ass. really was a go on baby I got your flower moment because I hated that dude and I love demon dean

S10 EP3: demon dean being chained up and taunting sam about how his brother is gone, then hunting sam through the bunker. demon dean in general was VERY fun for me, someone who loves trash

S10 EP9: dean going berserk and killing a bunch of pedophile rapists/child abusers. I’m sorry I know this show is trying to preach morality at me about monsters and unnecessary murder and humanity or whatever but we blew past that like 8 SEASONS AGO. also the mark of cain is sexy

S10 EP14: the rest of this list is really gonna be mark of cain stuff isn’t it look I’m here to have fun. cain and dean’s fight. cain continuously tossing his mane of hair back and taunting dean with the picture of what he’s going to become, who he’s going to kill. dean begging cain to tell him that he can stop, and then ultimately killing him. rip daddy.

S11 EP4: again I have not watched this however. every shot of this episode is PRESTIGE TELEVISION because driving a muscle car is sexy. and especially the shot of dean all beat to hell and begging his car to start and giving her a little kiss from his fingers to her dash. ugh. masculinity.

S12 EP10: the bearded salt-and-pepper daddy look returns, only it’s an angel this time and he’s wearing a vest and shirtsleeves and he swordfights with a hot redheaded lady in a suit and an eyepatch. this show is good sometimes!!! and oh fuck lol I just realized this is the same guy who played krissy’s hot hunter dad in s7 probably the first guy who’s hotter as an angel than a hunter. huh.

S12 EP 11: dean riding larry the mechanical bull to “broomstick cowboy.” I have no idea where this factors into the ep but I have seen. the youtube clip

S13 EP23: from what I can tell s13 is way more emotionally horny than boner horny, although dean burning cas’ body was sexy. but the horniest part was dean saying yes to michael and then michael taking over and saying “thanks for the suit.” we are going to ignore the silliest fight scene in existence as well as the final shot ending on a FREEZE FRAME like a goddamn tiktok

S14: not gonna pick a specific moment because I have not watched yet!!! but michael dean is hot. idk why michael is weirdly hot and I cannot stand any iteration of lucifer on this television programme. it should be the reverse but I’m forever an older sibling stan apparently. someone who is catholic could probably explain this better.

S15 EP13: genevieve padalecki and danneel ackles fight flirting as ruby and anael I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY HELD OUT ON THIS TILL THE LAST SEASON

I know I am missing things but this is already an absolutely incomprehensible screed. I know I’m missing shit from the latter seasons but give me time I’m pacing myself

[walker-lister]

Fic writer review

Tagged by @picnokinesis thank you Taka! 

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

Twelve! (I’ll have to write another to make it 13 lol!)

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

665,232

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

Just the one that I’ve posted online- Doctor Who, and specifically Thirteen! 

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Rising Tides (270)- I’m incredibly touched this has the most kudos as this was the first that I put a lot of effort into, I had with my previous works but this one was longer and covered complex themes, so it’s very touching! 

2. Timeless (214)- This is the first fic I wrote! I remember doing it right after the series 12 finale as I was so compelled by the ending! I’m very pleased it’s been appreciated, a very kind way to be welcomed into the writing community!

3. On Hallowed Ground (127)- This one I also find so touching and I’m so pleased this many people enjoyed it as I became consumed by this and wrote it over 6 days so to know so many others also enjoyed something that quite literally consumed me and basically wrote itself is just fantastic! 

4. Ipseity (123)- I have a soft spot for this one, too, my first longer (ish) fic that I planned out and I’m really pleased people enjoyed it! I think it all started because I wanted to see 13 in a leather jacket and was very intrigued by the prospect of her having past lives she didn’t know about! 

5. Heaven Sent (110)- Ahh, I’m so happy this has made it to this list! I’m writing the final two chapters now and it’s been a passion project, my whole heart’s gone into it so to know this many have enjoyed thus far and we’ve still got a while to go (just coming up to halfway!) is really... ahh, I’m chuffed! 

5. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

Absolutely, they’re so precious to writers and I really appreciate people taking the time to leave one! Also, it’s nice to chat with your readers and it’s how I’ve made many friends! 

6. A fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hmmm I had to think about this for a while, I don’t really think I’ve got any with an angsty ending, I think bittersweet might be the closest, in which case I’ll say ‘On Hallowed Ground’ as it’s angsty with the circumstances but also hopeful at the end.

7. Do you write crossovers?

No, although sometimes my mind wanders over doing a Doctor Who/Merlin crossover fic, all for the bants of seeing those characters interact (Graham and Gauis immediate besties), but I don’t think I’ll ever write it!

8. Ever received hate on a fic?

I have not, which is nice! 

9. Do you write smut?

hahaha nope! I do include sexual themes in my work, but do that annoying thing where it cuts away before they get to the actual smut bit! I just can’t do it, it’d be terrible, although I know someone who wants me to ( @ivyinspace 😉)

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Wait that happens? 

11. Ever had a fic translated?

Nope but if anyone wants to please don’t hesitate to get in touch!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic?

I have not, although had talks about it!

13. All time fav ship?

All time?! Gotta be the Titanic. Lmao no I’d say Thasmin, although I am partial to some Thoscei 

14. WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever finish Cosmic Fireworks. I wish I’d left it as a one shot tbh but I don’t want to delete the second chapter off ao3. But I can’t see myself finishing it, I wasn’t into it as much as I am normally with my fics, but we’ll see, who knows, perhaps one day I’ll wake up with the inclination! 

15. Writing strengths?

*mind goes blank* 

ermm... I think I’m quite good at taking complex themes and exploring them well- I find that the pieces come together easily in my mind and (provided I write it all out and plan first) it’s like I can lay out a problem and carefully craft the solution. I suppose that might make me good at characterisation? I also think that I’m good at setting the scene and describing places maybe.  

16. Writing weaknesses?

I write way too much, I need to be more concise. Also I think I have a habit of needing my characters to show they’re good people, and that means sometimes my own voice carries over into theirs, and perhaps I could be better at exploring the complexities of characters, if that makes sense (something that goes beyond characterisation is what I mean, like maybe I’m making the point too hard sometimes). I also think that sometimes I need to chill- there doesn’t have to be a big point to scenes sometimes, no great narrative or thing to take away, sometimes it’s just the pleasure of reading something that’s important, even if it’s silly. 

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I wish I could speak another language, but alas I cannot, otherwise I would, but I would then put translation. 

18. First fandom you wrote for?

It was actually Merlin, I never published it online but it was when I was about 13/14 and first discovered fanfic and was a huge fan of Merlin I thought, ‘that sounds fun let’s do it’! I was already writing little silly stories anyway so it was like a whole new concept which also felt familiar, although they were awful so I’m glad they never went online! 

19. What’s your fav fic you’ve written so far?

Agh idk! In terms of a story I think is good quality and engaging, I’d say ‘On Hallowed Ground’ as it’s concise, the plot and emotions mix well, I think, and overall I’m really proud of it. But in terms of my favourite one to write, I’m not sure if I can pick one. I enjoy writing them all, although tbh with some there are chapters I just have to grit my teeth through to write (by my own fault because I make things way too complicated!), but enjoyment is what it’s about! But maybe I’d single out my aus because they’re more my own invention that the others, in particular Heaven Sent- so that and Rising Tides, final answer! (see, this is what I mean, I write too much jfc...)

This is open to anyone who wants to do it!! 😊

[shinjaeha]

itsay ep 4 (thoughts + spoilers)

idk even know how to even start this bc i feel like i’m just a big ball of emotions, and this ep was wild. so much happened. last ep was so wonderful and almost languid with how everything played out (esp since it focussed much more specifically on the shift in teh/oh-aew’s relationship). this ep had a bit more of everything, not just the two of them in their bubble anymore. societal forces at play, and hence much more angst. again, this isn’t a  proper analysis, it’s just me ranting and raving as usual as i semi-rewatch this again. this is very long, and there are a lot more things i want to think about in more detail at some point bc i’m mostly just skating over a lot of what happened but i gotta get these thoughts in my head out of me somehow. and i’m not sure if what i’m typing will even make sense bc i MYSELF can barely make sense of what i’m feeling but here i go anyway.

so we start off with the both of them kind of awkward after the night before which is fair enough considering what happened. actually when oh-aew’s habit started playing up again, i thought teh wasn’t going to scratch his back bc he was trying not to ~go there again after the night before, but he did and i was pleasantly surprised like oh...maybe things aren’t that bad?? (YET). also, i can imagine that it would have been reassuring for oh-aew too. like things have changed, but it’s not like teh has completely abandoned him. the touch itself is comforting, like when they were kids.

teh’s mum talking about how she wants both of her sons to bring their girlfriends around (and hounding him about bringing tarn around again) is giving me war flashbacks to my own asian relatives and i can feel the way that must crawl under his skin. I HATE when family members do that (and they always do). but for teh it must be esp hard bc he’s already constantly feeling like he’s vying for his mum’s attention over his brother, and now hoon’s bought back a girlfriend so it’s yet ANOTHER thing he feels like he has to compete with his brother over. in the back of his mind, he knows that he can’t give his mum what she wants if he’s with oh-aew (he can’t ‘win’ over hoon bc heteronormativity). teh is def prone to jealousy fairly easily, but i always feel like his emotions on that base level are also very easy to understand. i’ve been in positions like that before where i’ve felt like i’ve constantly been compared to someone else, and it makes you feel like shit. but also oh-aew having to sit through teh’s mum telling him to let her know if teh and tarn are dating?? ouch.

cue teh trying to avoid what’s going on with them and oh-aew being sad :((( they’re both in so much pain and i feel it and thank god i am no longer a teenager that’s all i can say about this.

the guitar in skyline instrumental is just...making me feel some kind of way. they have so many versions of this song and they always use the right version at the right time how is that.

so the tarn scene!!!!!!!!!!!!!! first thought: holy shit she looks so cute i love her crop top where did she get it i want one. second thought: but why did they make her wear a dark bra under such a light top?? i love that i was thinking this and then it all unravelled in front of me and like...the brilliance. the contrast between the scene in ep 2 (i think?) where teh accidentally peeks at her bra through the buttons of her shirt and gets noticeably flustered, and then this one where she literally wears the same bra under a light shirt ON PURPOSE to get his attention, but he doesn’t even notice?? the way she expects him to colour the hibiscus purple, but he colours it red for oh-aew instead?? it’s so incredibly telling of where his heart is at, and how his feelings have changed. anyway, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he’s just not all there with her anymore, and tarn isn’t stupid...she’s been picking up on the signals since the beginning (why was he so weirdly obsessed with beating oh-aew at the start? why was he willing to wake up at 4am for oh-aew but not for her? willing to tutor the rest of his friends but not spend time with her?). the way she sees him colouring the hibiscus red and it’s her wake up call, like wtf am i DOING bc of this guy????? i love how she acknowledges that her feelings for teh have made it so she’s solely focussed on him and that she hates the things it makes her do (like wearing the bra to gain his attention). ngl i was slightly worried with how they were going to use her character during these later eps with teh being so conflicted (since girlfriends in BLs are usually handled pretty poorly), but i appreciate that she’s still as fleshed out and full of feeling as she ever was. she’s so sweet, and i just wish she had better than this, but i’m glad she called teh out on it. i know he’s confused af rn, and tbh i don’t think he’s handled this as badly (atm at least) as i thought it could have gone, but at the same time, if he doesn’t decide and set his heart on what he really wants, he’s just going to end up hurting them all. LOVE that she basically tells him to get his shit together first before coming back to her. i like her so much. and that scene of teh just walking around and around at the back feeling conflicted while she drew? really reminds me of the squiggly line timeline(?) of how ep 4 was going to go that nadao released before this ep went live. also cmbyn vibes were real in that one.

the devastation in oh-aew’s voice when he asks teh to at least reply his messages ;;; it’s like teh wants to go back to just being friends and oh-aew has kind of accepted that at this point, but at the same time, teh’s not backing that up. he says he wants to be friends, but he doesn’t know how to act ‘normal’ about it anymore, so he pushes oh-aew away instead. good on oh-aew for not taking that shit and standing up for himself too. i absolutely cannot stand seeing oh-aew sad bc pp’s sad face/voice is so good it actually pains me.

notice how teh ALWAYS uses studies/tutoring as an excuse to get closer to oh-aew again...hmmm...does oh-aew see it for what that is now too? that “you’ve never understood me” hit me like a fucking train. to think that they were so attuned to one another last ep, but now teh’s too caught up in he’s own world to realise just how much he’s hurting oh-aew. thanks, i hate it.

i know that he’s needs to figure himself out more and i absolutely stand by the fact that he needs to do that without messing around with either oh-aew or tarn (and also that he’s using studies again to get into oh-aew’s good books instead of talking through feelings and all that), but the chinese idiom book that he made for oh-aew was actually SO CUTE and romantic. all this stuff he does for oh-aew to show that he clearly cares so much, yet he can never accept it enough to get the words out...

I SWEAR THEY PLAY THE INSTRUMENTAL SKYLINE JUST TO CHOKE ME UP. the darting around each other after the neck kiss COUPLED with the skyline instrumental?? it’s like a sad beach scene 2.0. teh making the first (intimate) move this time. every time he’s trying so hard to convince himself he’s not in love with this boy, and every time he keeps coming back. i always feel such a weird mix of happy and sad when i see them together bc i love them but i know teh in particular, is just not ready yet. like the hug scene made my heart leap, BUT they did it in hiding (under the staircase). all their big intimate scenes are in hiding and that just :(((

teh saying that he loves the seawater on his back bc it holds him up, and oh-aew saying but you have to hold your breath in that posture and it gets uncomfortable so he likes letting it go and just sinking sometimes instead (obv paraphrasing but you get the drift)?? THE WRITING IN THIS. it says so much without telling the audience directly...so poetic. everything about this show is so poetic. the way they sink into the ocean and into that space of oh-aew’s where you can just let yourself go without holding back, and then and only THEN does teh finally kiss oh-aew. and it’s beautiful, after holding back for so long, but it’s also painful bc he’s let go but only within this tiny pocket of space and time. in hiding again. that bird’s eye view shot where you can’t see them at all sealed it for me. like you want to be happy, but you can’t really bc you know that they’ve still got so much more to go...like when teh’s hand grazes oh-aew’s chest and you see oh-aew realise again...like that’s partly what stopped teh the first time in ep 3. when his hands stopped at oh-aew’s chest like it hit in for him that he was a boy. anyway, love that they gave us a skam kiss but i’m also very sad. on another note, how the hell did they hold their breath for that long?????

love that they gave us a further 2 more seconds of teh/oh-aew being cute (CONSTANTLY thinking about teh’s fingers dancing across oh-aew’s face and smushing his face in his hands...oh-aew holding the back of teh’s head...just a brief moment of carefreeness) before they went for the jugular. watching teh fight against himself in this way is what hurts. oh-aew begging him to just let go and accept what they are (the way he keeps going “what did i do wrong?? you feel it too!!”) but he’s so tortured he can’t do it. it’s downright fucking heartbreaking. the “one day i’ll stop feeling this way”...could have just stabbed oh-aew and it would have hurt less. all i know is i’m hurting for the both of them. the repression is real, and it just sucks. this whole thing fucking sucks for both of them (and tarn and bas too at that). idk it just gets me that oh-aew is coming out of this having been rejected once again bc teh isn’t ready yet. and i know this but it doesn’t make me any less upset. not at any of them bc it’s hard i know it’s hard...just at the situation. sometimes it feels like teh’s taking a step forward but then he takes two more back instead. the look on teh’s face when oh-aew was like let’s stop being friends...total devastation. i’m done. don’t want to think about it anymore.

i’m glad that oh-aew’s parents are so supportive of him though. i wasn’t sure how close they were based on their previous interaction but they really love him and i’m glad he has that stability to help him through this.

THE SCENE WITH OH-AEW AND THE BRA FUCKING BLEW ME AWAY. this show is always keeping me guessing, and again yet another thing that i wasn’t expecting but it was so visceral. the red of the bra in comparison to tarn’s bra with the purple hibiscus flowers on it...everything connects. oh-aew looking into the mirror with that bra on and thinking about how things would have been different if only :((( and then his breakdown when he realises that it’s not and that’s the reality of the situation. the feeling that gave me sits so deep within my chest i can’t even begin to carve it out.

teh masturbating when he sees that picture of oh-aew and to that picture of yongjian on his wall (idk why it only now just occurred to me that yongjian is always in red too)?? the self-hatred in this scene. the internalised homophobia. my heart feels so heavy.

he KEEPS reaching and it’s going nowhere bc it won’t ever be enough, and that’s not fair on himself and it’s not fair on tarn. like i understand what he’s going through, and i get that he’s extremely confused and needs the clarification, but when he asks tarn to tell her she loves him and he can’t do the same back for her...i just feel so, so, so fucking bad for tarn.

oh-aew hoping that the worksheets left for him were from teh (which would be very on brand of him), but then seeing bas :( maybe in another world, in another life (like teh and tarn)...but he’s such a sweetheart. bas, best boy ;;;

legit as soon as the gang came to see teh off to bangkok and talk to him about how oh-aew was doing terribly (and wasn’t planning on going to the admission exams) i knew where this was going to go. there’s been so much foreshadowing leading up to this, and this was also one of (if not my main theory) with how things were going to eventually play out. but tbh for some reason i thought it was going to play out later in ep 5...but like damn. damn. the way i understand but at the same time i kept going OH TEH :( throughout this. the utter STRESS this bit put me through. THE MISCOMMUNICATION.

anyway, teh’s love language is clearly acts of service. but it can really be to his detriment when he does things impulsively (albeit with care and good intentions), but he doesn’t use his words so things get lost in translation. sometimes actions just aren’t enough and you really do need words to communicate.

the confirmation scene was so tense...even now i’m just sitting here thinking about it and there’s a hole in my stomach at the thought of what teh must be going through and what he ends up doing. like when that last person on the list shows up and you KNOW it’s going to happen but at the same time it’s like a punch to the chest bc there’s just no doubt that teh’s going to turn it down for oh-aew...OF COURSE he would. oh-aew’s split moment of happiness before realising what teh’s done...the absolute dread i still have in me at the realisation of this.

the tension really kept increasing from here on in...teh coming home and his mum just being so fucking proud of him and telling everyone in the restaurant about how happy she is for him (all while teh is absolutely depleted), then tarn coming in and everything bubbling over when she realises what teh’s done too. realises that teh’s in love with oh-aew (smile is so great in this btw like WOW). the “you hurt me and i’m alright with that, teh, but right now you’re hurting yourself” broke my heart. absolutely love tarn as a character and only ever want the best for her.

when he tells his mum :((((((((((( and his mum just goes on about how hard he’s worked and how much he’s already sacrificed only for him to throw that away. he wanted her to be proud of him SO BAD, wanted to not be compared to his brother for once, only for him to give away his place bc he loves oh-aew more than he wants his mother’s praise. more than he wants to compete and ‘win’ against his brother. when she points to hoon and goes “why can’t you be more like him?” and he just loses it. like rubbing salt in the wound. i’m so glad hoon finally hugged him the way i’ve been wanting to this whole time. the banner congratulating him that teh’s mum made with all his materials from before :((( hoon giving him money for uni :((( you ever watch some things and feel like you’ll never be happy again...

okay the way that everything spiralled during the ig story fight?????? what gets me is that teh sacrificed his place thinking that oh-aew wasn’t going to sit the exam at all (he could have just talked to him and convinced him instead but ughhh i understand i get it). oh-aew thinks he did it bc teh didn’t believe he could get in himself (which of course then spurs him to give it up so he can get in through the exam instead). and when teh sees that, it’s like a smack in the face, like he went through all that only for oh-aew to reject it (him). it’s just layers upon layers of miscommunication and the anxiety of it all absolutely guts me. and then the anger mixing into devastation when he opens his book and sees how it’s all cut up. the remnants a reminder of everything he’s done for oh-aew. this boy that he adores but can’t accept he has feelings for. it’s just this mix of anger and sorrow and what have i fucking done?????? and how could he????? the cast were all fantastic but billkin really had to go above and beyond in this one and i could absolutely feel his pain throughout this.

TO PIGGY BACK ON THIS, like i said before, teh has always used studying/tutoring as a tool to get closer to oh-aew, but seeing that book with all the words gone was in part also him realising he doesn’t have that anymore. he can’t use that tool to get close to oh-aew anymore. the only way forward would be to actually get close to oh-aew without the pretences. and the saddest part of this all is that oh-aew doesn’t even NEED all of that (the tutoring, the book of idioms, the relinquishing of his uni spot)...the only thing he wants is for teh to ADMIT his feelings out loud. to admit that he feels the same way about oh-aew that oh-aew feels about him.

it’s funny bc in the last ep, the conversation that had me feeling the most nervous was when they’re talking at the cape, and oh-aew’s telling teh that he’s a rival and inspiration to him. i always KNEW this was going to come back to haunt them. like a constant circle. friends to rivals to friends to more than friends(?) to rivals. it’s a fine line. narratively, it always had to happen, and now they’re back to competing against one another yet again, and it’s going to be so tough bc they’ll have so much more competition on top of that as well.

next ep is going to be very, very hard on teh, but somehow after this ep, i just feel a lot more hopeful about it? i’m pretty convinced at this point that it won’t end in tragedy (which was the thing that i wanted least of all). of course i want both teh and oh-aew to end up together, but i can understand if they don’t. if this ends with them rekindling their friendship again, that’ll be enough for me. their relationship has been so turbulent and passionate that it needs some stability, and hopefully when teh’s in a better state of mind, when he’s at a place when he’s finally accepted all parts of himself, they’ll get there. so if that means it ends on them running to the cape together (even if they’re not technically together) fulfilling their promise to one another in the sunset, then that’s fine with me. i don’t mind an open ending if it makes sense in the context of the story, and i think something like that would. it’s like after such an angsty episode, you need a slight reprieve from it. i have no doubt in my mind that ep 5 will contain darkness, but i do think that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. so for once i feel truly hopeful about it.

i can’t believe we only have one more ep left to go...

[ilmarinen-tells-stories]

The Fair

//cw: ligth mentions of suicide, idk, it’s complicated//

We are all different, I know this. That’s what I was told every time I felt bad about myself for being such. Except that it didn’t make me feel better. I knew I was different. More than the most. More than anyone I knew. I cannot explain why, I just felt like I never belonged.

Ever since I have memories, I tried to act like the rest. I succeeded most of the time. But somehow, there was something missing. Something off. Something incomplete. They all knew it. They just acted like it didn't matter. It did.

 I have strange memories. Sometimes, I feel like they are nothing more than dreams. Other times, they feel more real than anything that happened to me. And sometimes they feel like they are not mine. They are small things like…

An empty hallway.

A bench I know I love.

A picture with a face I can’t recall.

The sound of rain.

The smell of wet earth.

Something coloured like nature itself.

A dance that makes your body move like the stars.

A touch that felt purple.

A breath sharp as a knife.

These are…strange. The senses mix together. How can a touch feel purple? I can’t answer. But it is.

 Sometimes it’s just too much. The sounds, the smells, the touches. Sometimes I can’t take more.

 Once I met a blind man. Yet he saw more than any of us can hope. My village called him a sharlatan. But I knew he was more. He once told me a tale without words. It was a song. Yet at that moment, I truly understood.

The next day my family had to stop me from blinding myself.

 Nightmares. Nightmares every night.

I want to fly but I lost my wings.

I want to breathe but I’m drowning.

I want to run but my legs won’t move.

I want to wake up but I’m unaware that I can.

 They say to never break your oaths or your weapon will turn against you, when most needed. I knew a man who broke his oaths. He impaled himself with his own sword while falling down off a cliff. I believe the skeleton is still there. We do not dare to touch those who dyed an unholy death.

 Have you ever counted crows?

One’s for sorrow.

Two’s for joy.

Three’s for a girl.

Four’s for a boy.

Fives’ for silver.

Six’s for gold.

Seven’s for a secret never to be told.

Eight’s for a wish.

Nine’s for a kiss.

Ten’s for a bird you should never miss.

Eleven’s for health.

Twelve’s for wealth.

Thirteen’s for the devil himself.

 Never venture too far away into the woods. You may see things that are not really there. Things long forgotten. Things best to leave unseen.

 It’s the midsummer festival but I’m not dancing. I jumped over the fire though. But I celebrate alone. These days, our ancient holidays have become watered down and drowned with money and marketing. I was never against the evolving of things. It’s not like that. But hating people for your „old values” sake and erasing the meaning behind things are very different.

 The midwinter is different. It’s too cold for the others. But not for me. I light the bonfire and dance with the creatures, who are hidden all the other days of the year.

We dance

Until we don’t feel anything else

Until we don’t see

Until we don’t hear

Until there’s no more pain

Until we don’t think

Until

 The Fair was next to our village again. The last time, eight years ago my family didn’t let me out to see.

„There are strange folks outside. Bad influence for you.” they said.

This year, I didn’t care. I knew what I wanted.

 Sometimes I cry for the Moon. She must be so lonely.

 As you walk through the Fair, you might notice it turns a bit uncanny after a while. This change is not a sudden realisation. It’s slow and quiet. You wander until you don’t know where you are going anymore.

 Names are important. Names hold power. Never tell your name to those who you don’t trust.

 I walked until I found an odd little tent. I walked in. Everything felt so strange inside. Yet, so familiar.

„How can I help you?” asked the shopkeeper.

„Take me away. Take me home.” I answered. They looked at my face, right into my eyes. I couldn’t take their gaze for too long.

„You are only partly our kind. You have to leave your human flesh behind.”

„I’m willing to make that sacrifice.” the shopkeeper nodded.

„Then let me see what you have to offer in exchange.”

I took out a little box from my bag.

„It’s a lockless box.” I said. The shopkeeper’s eyes widened a bit.

„And how do you open it?”

„By lighting a lightless candle and saying a voiceless word, of course.” the shopkeeper nodded again.

„It’s a deal than.” they pulled out a rope from one of the many shelves and handed it to me, after I put down the box on the counter. „You know what you have to do.”

I nodded and walked out. The rope felt so smooth, like it wasn’t from this world. In fact, it wasn’t.

 There are many things you can store in a lockless box.

A wish.

A promise.

A memory.

A song.

A secret.

In mine, there was Emptiness.

 I was standing right in front of the oldest and wisest tree in the forest. I went astray from the roads but I didn’t care. It was my last wandering anyways.

I tossed the rope around a branch.

I stood on a large stone.

I looked through the noose.

This is it.

I placed it around my neck.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

One step and I will be free. One step and I will be where I belong.

I stepped into the unknown.

One last breath. Finally.

 Mourn me not, fellow traveller, for I’m not truly dead. I just went home.

[bestyouuniveristy]

i am doing v v badly right now. i'm not sure on the right words. but it is bad.

I would like to apologize in advance for my language and for sounding like an asshole. It’s honestly just the way I type. Everything I say is with all the love and sunshine in the world.

Hey @calictii!

While I don’t know what exactly you are going through, I did take a little peek at your most recent post. First off, what you said was not dumb as fuck. Never invalidate your own feelings that way. It is harmful to the soul. Second, I have to say, I get it. I totally 100% get it. It’s hard to deal with these things on a daily basis when you’re young and still trying figure out who you are in the process of your mind tearing you down. I was there a couple of years ago myself. The only way I got through it was by throwing myself headfirst into the military where all feelings were invalid. Not saying that was the right way, but it’s what I did to hide from it. It’s okay to feel the way you do. Maybe lost, confused, hopeless. I’m not sure if you ever got professional help and are ready to start your life, or if you are still struggling and can admit that you need to start your life soon. Either way, you can’t look at it as if you were behind everyone else. It’s not a competition. You’re not behind in the race. You have time to map things out. Don’t have money? A lot of local stores and fast food chains start hiring after summer break. Want to go to college? There are plenty of financial aid options available to you. Wanna crawl into a hole and die? No. Just no.

I noticed the hashtag that said you didn’t like yourself. I remember feeling that way when I was depressed. I hated myself and cried myself to sleep just about every night. Nobody in my house cared how I felt though. So I never got any professional help. But I can tell you this. You might feel like you are alone, and in the dark, but you’re not. You have the entire world at your disposal and if you feel like you don’t, I’m here to help you understand everyday why you’re not.

A lot of this getting better shit is just reclaiming your life. You have to have that mindset that says, “world, I am a badass. Hit me with everything you got.” And with that comes the responsibility you have to yourself to be unapologetically, you. The world is not out to get you, people are not staring at you in that store, nobody is watching you sit in your car. Nothing you do is being judged to the point where you have to hide away and shelter your true self. Because no one cares! It took me so long to realize that but no one gives a fuck what you do or when, how and why you do it.

“You can get through anything in the moment , but it’s the fear of what might happen that undoes us.”

-The Fosters

All of these thoughts that go on in your head during your episodes aren’t real. Well, I mean, they’re real to you. But not to anyone else. No one knows that you hate yourself or that you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Nobody knows that you feel badly about your situation. Nobody knows because it’s none of their business. Nobody knows because they don’t care. One of the first steps is regaining your confidence. You have to adapt the mindset that nobody knows all of these deep sad thoughts I’m thinking about myself so I can truly be myself. Nobody know that I’m crying on the inside because I think I look stupid, so ima go get some ice cream. Nobody knows that I want to kill myself every time I open my eyes and the bright burning fireball called the sun is penetrating my eyeballs, so ima go take a walk around the park. It’s the little things, that aren’t so little, that make the difference. You have to combat every negative thought with a positive one in turn. If you have nothing positive to say about yourself or the situation, take a walk, drink some water, take a warm shower. Depression and anxiety damage your perspective of the world and how you react to it. That short fuse? In your head. That tiredness that’s killing you? In your head. That body ache? In your head. It’s difficult to shake the thoughts and the mindset that you have adapted throughout your entire life in response to the depression. But you have to start somewhere.

With that being said. There are steps you should consider taking when it comes to getting better, if you are willing. Increase you water intake. This is very important! Hydration not only helps improve your energy levels, it also helps to clear and hydrate your skin. Start off by drinking a cup of water a day and increase your intake by a cup or two every week until you reach a gallon a day. As much as I hate to admit this, exercise is extremely important for your mental health. Even if you only do a simple workout for 15 minutes a day, you are aiding in the healing of you mind. Sometimes it sucks to get out of bed as it is but sometimes you have to push past the things that make you uncomfortable in order to get better. Which brings me to sleep schedule. Do not underestimate the value of sleep when it comes to healing. There is a reason that doctors tell you to get lots of rest when you’re sick. And I know your sleep schedule is probably fucked but everything I said before this actually sets you up for an improved sleep schedule. Set a wake up time on your phone or alarm. Make sure it’s a time that you feel comfortable waking up at every day. And then set a good night alarm for a decent hour. Make sure there is no more and no less than 8 hours in between wake up and goodnight. And last but not least, a positive attitude goes a long way. You cannot and will not get better of you don’t put in the effort. If you start getting negative thoughts and your first reaction is “fuck, I’m going to kill myself” you’re not helping yourself. Instead, take a step back from whatever you’re doing and realize who the fuck you are. Take a step back and take a deep breath. Take a step back and count to ten. Take a step back and try again. Find the positive in whatever negative thing that crosses your mind. “Idk what the fuck to do with my life! Ugh I’m so tired of this!”…… “I am alive. I was given this life for a reason. Let me go and figure that out.” You know what I mean? And I know it’s hard, trust me. Been there done that. And that’s exactly my point. Someday, you’ll be saying “been there, some that” to the next person who is having your same issues. And it will feel so fucking good to be able to say “I helped someone today, because of what I went through. I am not a burden. Never was.” And you won’t have to regret a single moment of what you did to get better.

(Do all of the above for two weeks straight and notice the difference in your mind.)

You are not worthless. You are not a burden. You are not disposable. You are not ugly. You are not stupid. You are not a waste of space. You are you. And you have missed out on a lot of things that you can bring to the table because of this disease that is telling you it’s not worth it. I take that back. You didn’t miss out. You and everything you have to offer is still there. You just have to be willing to put in the necessary work in order to get you back. It’s completely possible. You are in control of your own life. You don’t need the medication and the therapy if you trust yourself enough. But also DO NOT HESITATE TO GET THE NECESSARY PROFESSIONAL HELP NEEDED.

I guess what I’m trying to say is. I’m sorry that you are going through this. But, hopefully, one day you’ll be okay. It’s not too late to do everything that you feel you needed to do ten years ago. It’s not all gonna come at once but it will come. Be patient with yourself. Respect yourself. Know that it won’t be easy. But I can guarantee you that the view from the top is pretty fucking good.

-Your newest friend @feelingsarehar3 ❤️‍🔥

Also, I’m sorry if I overstepped in any way. It was not my intention. I’m just an ask away.