#idk. i had been thinking abt ending it for fucking months (pretty much as soon as he started ignoring me) but i couldnt bc i had to worry

[nomaishuttle]

tbh im kinda mad i wasnt the one to end things bc now that i dont have rose tinted glasses on im looking back on some of the shit he did and said and im like genuinely pissed off

[thedissociatives]

Heeeyyyy, I'm so so intrigued by your hockey posting. I'd love to know more about Fedorov, like what's the lore, what makes him special? Have a nice day/ night <333

good morning/afternoon/evening anon! since you asked so nicely i'll try my best but i do tend to forget everything i know when i have to actually explain it. there is a lot of lore tho so i'm not gonna go over all of it (mainly the bits that interest me the most + some other stuff). i guess what really makes him special (at least to me) is the fact that we don't get players like this anymore. and i'm not talking playing style here (the impact of euro hockey players of the 90s on the nhl today is still so obviously there). a lot of his early career was directly impacted by cold war politics, and since those circumstances haven't existed for a while now, we don't get this insane type of backstories and lore anymore. i should also make it clear that i'm a massive nerd who sat in classrooms for years learning abt soviet stuff which i think definitely has an impact on who My Guys are

seriously there is a lot under the cut so be warned because i did get carried away with myself A Lot (i literally wrote over 1k words on this. sorry in advance)

ok so. sergei started playing "pro" hockey in the soviet union in the mid 80s (i don't think this is the place to explain whether these players were pro or amateur so will leave it like that), first in minsk (only for a year) before being picked up by cska moscow- the central army team. these guys made up most of the national team, which can probably be explained by the fact that their head coach also coached the national team (god that's a bit of a mouthful, but incredibly relevant). he wasn't the only rookie on the team that season; another kid (i think they were both like 16 at the time ?) called alex mogilny had also just arrived in moscow. they would become good friends. sergei would play three seasons for cska before being called up for the national team- he was going to the 1989 world championship. alex would be there, too, having already played on the team before. naturally, the ussr won gold (as they did almost every year). but that doesn't mean everything was good with the players. not long too after the tournament, some of the older players would finally get permission to play in the nhl, but for the younger guys it was looking like they had no way of getting out any time soon. in the days between the end of the championship and the soviet team's flight home, mogilny apparently approached fedorov and asked him to go to america with him- sergei said no, worried about what would happen to his family. alex would go anyway, disappearing for a few days before popping up in buffalo ready to join the sabres. (this might seem irrelevant right now but it's actually really not- i'm getting there now)

that same summer, sergei would be drafted in the fourth round by detroit. this choice may or may not have been influenced by steve yzerman telling them sergei was better than him. after a bit of back and forth, they got him to defect after cska played a series of games in north america. it literally sounds like the type of shit they write in spy films it was fucking mental. this made him only the second soviet to defect in order to play in the nhl i'm pretty sure (defo the second in like 18 months- funnily enough it was his bestie who was the first one. what a coincidence), but they weren't the first two from the other side of the iron curtain to do that. might be wrong but i think that honour goes to the stastny brothers. anyway. when sergei got to detroit he wore 91 because he wanted to "be like stevie" or some insane shit like that. which i literally think about all the time. like seriously what was that about sergei.

okok can't not talk about the russian five so doing that now. since idk how much you know about hockey i'll do a better job on this bit. after sergei arrived in detroit, management must've figured they could get more russians. over the next couple of years they got vladimir konstantinov (who was drafted the same year as sergei) and slava kozlov to make the jump to the states. since i'm mainly talking about sergei i won't go into how they got those two but it's just as unbelievable as you'd expect. after the 1994-95 lockout, the wings traded for another russian- slava fetisov. if you ever want to learn about soviet hockey you'll hear a lot about this guy, and for good reason too. he won two olympic gold medals and seven world championships with the soviet union, and captained most of those teams. obviously adding a guy with that much experience winning was a smart choice imo, even if he hadn't won anything in the nhl yet. by now the wings had four russian players- why not add a fifth ? in 1994 the wings were embarrassed in the playoffs, losing to san jose. it just happened that sj happened to have two of the older soviets who had fought for the right to play in north america. one of them was igor larionov- probably the smartest guy to ever play hockey. it was his tactics (and refusal to change his style of play) that led to his team's success in the first round. and i guess detroit didn't ever want to deal with that again because they ended up trading for the guy in the first part of the 1995-96 season. the russian five first played together in calgary, where they played that style of soviet hockey that nhlers could never really wrap their heads around at the time. they walked all over the flames in their own building, and would continue to do the same to the rest of the league. the five would be a key part of the 1997 stanley cup-winning team, which was the first wings team to lift the cup in over forty years.

sergei stayed to win a few more cups, and then left the city. he signed w the ducks in anaheim, bleached his hair and moved out to california (i think we can all resonate with wanting to change our appearance and move thousands of miles away from where we've spent over a decade building out lives amiright). from what i can tell, this move was Not Liked by detroit's owners (honestly i can't see any other reason his number hasn't been retired there). he'd bounce around a couple more nhl teams before going back to russia to play on the same team as his brother, eventually retiring in 2012.

jumping to 2015, that year's hockey hall of fame inductees included sergei (and nick lidstrom, one of his detroit teammates and one of the best defencemen to every play the game). it was basically a 90s wings reunion. in sergei's induction speech, he did like everyone else and thanked a bunch of people who helped him out throughout his career. and, you know, it was all the expected stuff (hockey guys can be so predictable sometimes), but "to my captain, steve yzerman" still fucking gets me. it had been twelve years since he'd worn a wings jersey. my captain. i think you get my point but i'm gonna have to stop there because i can't carry on and be remotely normal about it.

oh and in 2021, after spending a few years bouncing around random jobs for the team, cska announced that fedorov would be taking over as head coach. he went back to the team where all this started. now i don't know how exactly he is with his team but i sure hope he learned enough from his days there as a player under tikhonov on exactly how not to treat your players. cska won back to back gagarin cups (the trophy awarded to the khl team who wins the playoffs) in sergei'd first two seasons behind the bench, and they're probably looking to make it a threepeat with the playoffs starting today (?)

[acaiasahi]

HELLO!! we had the prettiest fireworks for new years, I hope yours also went great! and I have been doing well tysm :( I just read a fic that left me CRYING but it's ok it was worth it 😋

HOWLING WAS LITERALLY THE SHOW I WAS THINKING OF WHEN I WROTE THAT. I hate that show with a burning passion I WAS SOHOPEFUL AND THEN IT ENDED JUST LIKE ILAND..and they were all so talented n happy like THE CAMPFIRE SCENE?? I was in tears nothing will ever affect me more deeply. I had to do a double take when I saw gaku didnt make the cut bc are we talking abt the same gaku? bffr he deserved that lineup N HAYATE TOO he was so :(( I wanna give him the world :(( worst fridays ever fr. idk HOW atbo aren't more popular bc they seem exactly like the type of group that would be?? their energy is so refreshing where is the recognition. NAHH UR HEADER IS YUMA?? HEAD IN HANDS HOW DID I NOT RECOGNIZE HIM 😭😭 I legit thought u said ryu when I asked u abt the header pic n now that I see the photos they don't even look the same GOODNIGHT

ooh but they are SAURR PRETTY OMG?? pinterest model worthy idc idc how can u be pretty AND funny AND talented like cmon now u can't be real 🤦‍♀️ especially hyunjun. no favoritism buuut.. I will be studying this like lts my finals TYSM

ALSO ALSO I saw u were going to a ph1 concert n thats? Amazing?? I hope u have fun have an amazing time! n tell me how soul looked irl pretty pls

— 🐞

my new yrs was great, i'm so glad to hear that urs was too!!! <3

but ffr, like why wasn't my boy hikaru, hayate, AND gaku in the final lineup??? LIKE WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING HATERS!!!! n the header thing made me giggle a lil bc i was like are we talkin abt junmin rn orrr??? LMAOOO ur good dwdw

ur so right abt atbo tho, like their energy is so slay n new and it's smth kpop stans been literally asking for in terms of new groups yk smth fresh n different but they're sleeping on my boys 😭😭😭 i also think it's bc they "plagiarized" nct 127's kick it move but tbh... kpop stans js don't get that basic grooves exist in the dance community and that the move existed BEFORE nct... cue the crickets bc czennies drilled into those boys for no damn reason, it was so stupid. i fr hope they get popular soon bc they deserve it, esp yeonkyu bc he was in ygtb n now u can see how much he's grown, it's wild 😭

yesyes, it's literally this month n i'm going CRAZY bc i'm trying to buy a lightstick in time n my paycheck is tAKING FORVEEREEJDIEK i'm so excited n my mom's coming w me n she's excited too so ARGFHFHDJ I CAN'T WAIT!!! I WILL LITERALLY POST PICTURES IF I CAN BC MY SEATS KINDA SUCK A LIL BUT IM NOT COMPLAINING BC COME AWNNN IM SEE PIWON LIVEEEE!!!!!

[summercurial]

hmm. lately thinking abt things has made me really acutely aware how unsatisfied i was in my relationship with aidan, basically the whole time. like. the sex was really good. and he provided touch when i needed touch. i love touch so much. but like. he wasnt interesting to talk to! he wasnt interesting psychologically. we were sort of sexually compatible but mostly because he just like. did what i asked him to mostly? ugh. i feel like the feeling of gaining relationship experience i had is sort of revealed to be bullshit? like, idk, i think a "real" 2 year relationship would be pretty fucking different! to the point that idk if im ever more prepared for one should it come along. ugh.

idk my feelings are compounded by being at the end of uni, and acutely aware that this is all ending soon, and idk. its kind of a relief. im scared about grad school. but i remember how much i love doing math in an academic environment when i can actually yknow, see my peers and stuff. and i feel...inadequate, but also like im smart, and if i push myself, and im in the right environment, and i focus on the right stuff, i can really excel. but im aware that like. i probably wont see these people again, assuming i end up doing the phd back home. and i cant even really have a proper hurrah with them or whatever because fuck, ive been gone for three months, and before that we had a full semester but still didnt see each other that much, and now i dont share a class with most of them so its like. idk. its making everything feel very. pointless and like i just wanna get it over with

so im lonely and overanalyzing all my relationships and. idk i was pretty lonely back home too. its hard to get enough social contact without work or school. i need to talk to my therapist. i need to get into the groove again so days start passing fast. i feel like the last 3 days went by like molasses

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

[angrylizardjacket]

heard your name in every love song {Ben Hardy} 1

1. when he was looking out for me (i would pretend he was my summer fling)

Summary: When you’re twelve and you have a crush on your babysitter, your parents think it’s puppy love, think it’s cute, and you’ll forget about it soon enough.

A/N: 2266 words. Female!Reader. okay so the sprained ankle in Space Jump is a direct reference to something that happened in my theater class, that being a dude snapped his fucking femur playing Fruit Salad. RIP adam’s femur for the following few months. he’s fine now, that was like 8 years ago. whatever. are all these theater games i mention real? i’ll never tell. here’s part 1. DISCLAIMER: NO CREEPY SHIT I SWEAR TO GOD I WOULDN’T DO THAT; THERE’S A LITTLE BIT OF PINING FROM Y/N BUT THAT’S IT. there’s a few assumptions made abt Y/N’s life; only child, parents (plural, idk how many, doesn’t matter), plays Crash Bandicoot and Mario Kart, takes theater classes outside of school.

the mutant brotherhood: @daisy-lu​ @hervoidparadise​ @nedmjpeter​ @ultrunning​ @d-r-e-a-m-catchme​ @clementimee​ @that-fandom-sucks-tho​ @cjand10​ @rest-is-detail​ @baileymae​ @rosesvioletshardy​ @onceuponadetectivedemigod​ @hazelstyles94​ @bitchylittleredhead​ @bihemian-rhapsody​ @sweatyexpertgardenpanda​ @whereeverythingisbetter​ @dedxbed​ @xxencagedxx​ @glittrixvibe​ @a-girl-with-stress​ @sunflower-ben​ @pxroxide-prinxcesss​ @mrsmazzello​ @cubedtriangle​ @haileymorelikestupid​ @misscharlottelee @nevilles-insinuations @jovialcreatorkidtoad @brianmaysclog @sambuckywarrior @hey-yo-bedussey @bubblyanis @lifesciencesbois @elektraofcrete @diosanaz @bbdoyouloveme @kirstansworld @okilover02 @cardboardbenmazzello @dreashappyworld @juliarose21 @simonedk @greycuby @emmasunshiine @dinotje @qtrogerina @spiketacus @nympha-door-a @local-troubled-writer @emphatic-af @wh0a-thisisheavy @lustgardn @banginashton 

--

When you’re twelve, and almost at the end of your first year of high school, you get into a fight with your parents as to whether or not you still need a babysitter. Much to your chagrin, however, they don’t see twelve as ‘practically sixteen, which is practically an adult’ and you sulk for the full three days leading up to the night they were going out. The night of, you’re fully intending on staying in your room, until there’s a knock at the door, and you hear a voice that is absolutely not your usual babysitter.

“Be good,” your parents call to you as they’re leaving, having noticed where you’d cracked the door to your room to see who it was. You make a face at them, but you’re surprised to see a kid from Sixth Form on crutches, who is absolutely not Madeline, standing in the hallway awkwardly. You’re pretty sure you’ve seen him around school, maybe he’s on the soccer team? You’re not sure. 

“You’re not Maddy,” you tell him, opening the door a little wider, and he seems surprised for a moment to see you there. A kind, awkward smile appears on his face as he regards you with gentle amusement.

“Well spotted, I’m Ben, Maddy’s got the flu,” he explained easily, and offered his hand, “you’re Y/N, right?” And he’s trying so hard, but you’re still kind of mad at your parents for insisting on a babysitter in the first place.

“Who else would I be?” You asked flatly, which surprised a laugh from Ben, but you shook his hand anyways; you had to give him props for trying, “why are you using crutches?” You asked outright, since you’re pretty sure he wasn’t using crutches last time you saw him at school. You turned, heading for the living room, deciding to at least give him a chance.

“Sprained my ankle in class the other week,” he explained, hobbling along behind you.

“Sport or just P.E?” You asked, throwing yourself onto the sofa and picking up the TV remote. Ben was quiet for a long moment, and when you look at where he’s sitting gingerly on the edge of the sofa, he’s making a face like he doesn’t quite want to admit the truth.

“Theater sports,” he explained, which piqued your interest, which, of course, you try not to let show on your face, because if your babysitter knows you already think he’s cool, you might die of embarrassment. But also, you suddenly feel incredibly validated for taking those theater classes every Thursday afternoon.

“They’re -” he tries to explain, but you give another eye roll.

“I know what theater sports are,” you tell him, and his smile turns amused. 

“You do?” He asks, and you think he might be a little bit impressed, or perhaps it was just wishful thinking, either way, you nod firmly, “well I was in the middle of Space Jump - you know Space Jump, right? Where you start an activity and then someone else calls ‘Space Jump’ and you have to freeze and they have to make a new scene from your freeze, and then someone else comes in -” he explained, mostly to save you the embarrassment of admitting you didn’t know the game, “well I was up on one leg on a chair, climbing the rigging of a ship, you know how pirates do, and I froze, and -” he gestured how he’d fallen off the chair, with accompanying sound effects.

“Couldn’t you have just put your other foot down and balanced yourself?” You offered, and he shook his head, expression adamant.

“It’s all about the commitment to the bit; I was trying to entertain them, and the best way I can do that is to put myself out there one-hundred percent,” he told you sincerely, “you’ve always gotta follow through.”

“You sprained your ankle,” you pointed out, “isn’t that dangerous advice?” He deflates a little, looking down at his leg.

“Follow through but use your common sense, you’ve got common sense, don’t you?” He asked, giving a wry smile, two which you nodded diligently, “don’t get yourself hurt, then,” he suggests, before changing the subject quickly, “you hungry yet? Your parents said we could order pizza.” You’re easily excited by the thought of pizza, a rare treat your parents allowed you whenever you were babysat. 

It’s a pretty uneventful night, all things considered, you order pizza, and he lets you win at Crash Team Racing, and you’re falling asleep to a comedy movie until Ben gently suggests that you go to bed. You’re too tired to argue and try and weasel your way into staying up later, so you yawn loudly and wish him a good night before shuffling off to bed. The house is quiet, apart from where he’s watching a Top Gear rerun and waiting for your parents to get home.

You don’t think about it much beyond telling your parents ‘yeah, he’s pretty cool’ when they ask. You don’t think about him much beyond that, at least not for almost a full week, until you’re sitting in your geography class just before lunch, having managed to snag a seat by the window looking out onto the back field, and there’s a PE class doing laps on the field. All are running, except the teacher, and a boy with blonde hair, standing with all his weight on one foot, and a pair of crutches tossed to the side, looking like he’s arguing the teacher.

“I heard when you’re in sixth form you get to push in the front of the line at the canteen,” you hear your friend, Merissa, next to you muse, and when you turn, she’s followed your gaze outside to the field. After a moment, you turn again, and watch the blonde attempt to put weight on his obviously injured foot; it looks like he regrets it, and he sits on the grass, sulking. 

“That’s probably Ben,” Merissa tells you matter-of-factly, “he’s on the football team with my brother.” And something about the kind of unwarranted pride in her voice at being in the know makes your face scrunch up. Part of you wants to tell her that you know who Ben is, obviously, but another part of you doesn’t want to admit to still needing a babysitter; it feels childish. So you keep your mouth shut and turn to back to the board.

And the following week, in your weekly theater class, you’re about to take your turn at Bus Stop, wherein your goal is to make the other person on the ‘bus stop’ as uncomfortable as possible until they finally leave, which is when you’ll assume the roll of the innocent bystander, and someone else from the class will come up and try and make you uncomfortable. It’s a lesson on improvisation disguised as a game. 

The voice you’ve been practicing slightly pinches your vocal cords, and you’ve barely got a moment to assume a matching physicality, and you worry for a second that it’s not funny, that you’ll just look like an idiot -

Put yourself out there one hundred percent.

You steel yourself, making strange shapes with your hands as you twist yourself into as much of a creature as possible, within reason, using the strange voice you’d concocted, feeling a thrill as your entrance gets the biggest laugh of the class. Oh.

A few months later, in the Summer after your first year of high school, you’re finally thirteen, and are allowed to have the house to yourself for the day, but if you’re parents are anticipating staying out later than midnight, you need -

“Please,” you begged, “just don’t say babysitter, I’m not a baby.”

“Fine,” they acquiesce, “you need supervision, just if we’re out very late.” 

Despite your indignation at the situation, Maddy’s got a cello concert, and you’re hoping that that means -

Ben greets you like a friend, wearing a denim jacket with no crutches, and he might be the coolest person you know.

“You still on Crash Team Racing?” He asks with raised eyebrows as he heads into the living room, and you roll your eyes.

“That’s so old school,” you scoff, and he raises his hands in surrender, trying not to look as amused as he feels, watching as you pull out two Wii remotes, “Mario Kart’s much better.” And you hand him one. 

He’s not above letting you win, but it turns out, he doesn’t have to; you’re scarily good at the game, which you credit to playing pretty much nothing else for a solid month, and by the time the pizza arrives, the win ratio is about fifty-fifty, and you’ve bonded considerably over your mutual and unreasonable hatred for Waluigi, the only NPC who seems to consistently beat you both.

“Do you get to push in the front of the line at the canteen?” You asked, holding your pizza in one hand and letting it cool for a moment.

“Huh?” Ben’s burnt the roof of his mouth, and is reaching for his drink when you ask, “whaddya mean?”

“My friend Merissa says Sixth Form gets to push in the front of the line.” 

“I don’t think we’re technically allowed to,” he says after a moment of consideration, and you hear his nonverbal ‘but we still do’ anyways, “it’s not a rule rule, you know?”

“Are the A-levels hard?”

“Haven’t done ‘em yet,” he answers honestly, burping quietly after taking a drink, and you hum, and take a bite of pizza.

“I’m already scared of my GCSEs,” you admit after a moment of chewing, and Ben laughs gently.

“You’ve got nothing to be afraid of,” and he sounds like he means it, so you can’t help but believe it, soothed a little in your premature worrying. To be fair, Ben could say anything about school or life and you’d probably believe it; he was cool and older than you, but he treated you like a friend. 

You mention in passing that you’d gotten the lead for your class’s skit in the end of year showcase your theater company puts on, and mentions that it’s because you’d been committing to the bit in class, and the pride in his voice when he congratulates you is something you end up thinking about for days.

He ends up babysitting you twice more that Summer, not that you were complaining. It meant you got pizza, and to hang out with the coolest person you knew, a fact which you reiterated to your parents, much to their fond amusement, though you made them swear to never tell Ben that. He brought over Super Smash Bros and you guys would play for hours.

The only problem was that Ben was never allowed to know about the crush you had on him, because everyone in the world knew it was weird to have a crush on your babysitter, and you’re pretty sure he has a girlfriend and -

Doesn’t matter. You’re just started to discover the delightful world of crushes and relationships, and Merissa has a boyfriend on Tumblr, and you know that when you get back to school you can have a normal crush on a normal boy in your year, even if all the boys in your year look like thumbs. And Ben...

Is your babysitter. And a decent guy. And your friend, sort of. So you just hope he hasn’t noticed.

After Summer, he’s studying his A-levels, and Maddy’s got a day job so she can babysit at nights again, and it feels like everything’s gone back to normal, like you can breathe again. 

You’ve never really seen him at school; you don’t tend to hang around the back fields, but a few weeks into the first term, you’re having lunch with Merissa and Charlie, one of your other friends, in the library, when you spot him laden down with textbooks, making his way to one of the study rooms at the back. You’re not sure if he’ll even acknowledge you, even though your table is directly along the best route to the back rooms, so you just give him and smile and a nod in greeting.

“Hey, Y/N,” he grins quickly, doesn’t stop, but nods in return, and your heart feels like it’s beating out of your chest. Charlie sinks her nails into your arm the moment he’s gone into the study room, and Merissa quietly screeches your name.

“Chill out,” you’re trying to keep a low profile, but both other thirteen year old girls are demanding to know what just happened, “we’re friends.” You say with a shrug that’s far too casual.

“Friends?!” Merissa demands, and you can feel yourself growing more flustered.

“We hung out a few times during summer,” you open your notebook in front of you, trying to distract yourself.

“You hung out with Ben? Y/N he’s a football guy, he’s so old, he’s like eighteen!”

“We’re friends,” you insist, “don’t be, like, creepy about it,” you snorted, and Charlie let out a pterodactyl-like noise. They drop it at your insistence, and you’re just glad they don’t ask you to elaborate. 

You don’t see Ben much after that anymore, he’s too busy with his A-levels to babysit, and when you’re fourteen, your parents agree that you don’t need a babysitter anymore. You’re more than happy to let your Summer crush fall to the wayside, and let your memories of Ben, like all good Summer memories, fade into blurry obscurity. 

You wouldn’t need to worry about seeing him again anyways, right?

Oh how wrong you were.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

[clumsyclifford]

u know what. i will give u all the lore u want. i’m 18, will be 19 decently soon so we are close to the same age. also the other band was r5. i have sent u asks about them and tde in the past. i followed you for atl content and got whiplash when u started posting about the first band i ever loved. i was like 10 when their first album dropped i have been around for entirely too long. i had a wattpad account and wrote r5 fanfic from the tender age of like 11-13. i discovered 5sos i don’t even remember how but i think the funniest part about it is that i never really got into their music?? i got into them as people by watching like interviews and compilations. and i mean at this point that was a While ago. SPEAKING OF FANFIC i did that like ao3 year in review thing like a month ago??? and you were my top author of the year so far. i read a lot of fic on ao3. your fics are very lovely and some of my favs. moving on. will not lie my music taste is kinda embarrassing and has barely changed since i was like 14 lmfao. been listening to a lot of waterparks lately. have been since their album dropped in may. i essentially go through phases of listening to solely one artist. or one playlist i made. most recently my taste has consisted of a lot of all time low, waterparks, paramore + hayley’s solo music (it really had to grow on me BUT now that it has it is very good), also been on a nostalgic r5 kick as well. hot take it has been quite difficult for me to get into tde’s music and i don’t really know why. some songs i absolutely adore (omg plz don’t come around is my fav by them. also scared of heights, feel you now, welcome to the end of your life are top songs too) but others i’m just. i have never liked preacher man and it’s the first song they released after they rebranded in like 2017. i love to see them finally free to do what they love music-wise but some of it is just. hard to listen to. i’m supposed to see them live in november (like 4 days before my birthday, kinda cool) and it’s the second time the show has been rescheduled so hopefully it happens. i’ve seen them live before but not since they rebranded. they’re dropping an album in october that i will have like a month to learn so it better be a fucking banger. now i’m just rambling about tde because i love ross and rocky with my entire being. rydel is annoying these days tho. also she named her baby fucking SUPER what kind of name is that why would you do that to a child. anyways. you ever need useless random r5 lore, i’m the person to ask. it’s the effect of being around to like a band for like 8 years. in conclusion my music taste? terrible. a cluster fuck. i will listen to luke’s solo album next time i’m focusing on a task because i like listening to new music when i’m concentrating on something. there’s some other bella lore for the day. - other bella

OH ALSO yeah idk. i’m currently on mobile. when i looked at your blog on mobile the first time last night it was blue. but now it’s pink. i have yet to see it on desktop but when i do i am sure it will be equally as pretty. - other bella again

hell YES some other bella lore. let's dig in

oooooh how soon? whens your birthday? 👀👀👀

ahhh yes i do remember the r5 asks !!!! that was a fun little era of clumsyclifford content huh. dont worry i wrote 1d fic on wattpad from ages 11-13 as well sooo same hat. that is super funny tho actually that you never bothered to listen to their music u really were staying loyal to r5 good for you

ao3 year in review???????????? say more?????? what is this?????????? thats very flattering regardless omg im going to ask you what your favorites are because im a leo just kidding its because i crave validation and im curious what ones you read/have read. also thank you for reading my fics lol

oh yeah theres a new parx album!! i dont listen actively to them but i really like all the parx music i know. im scared to get really into them because im genuinely afraid to fall in love with awsten knight. like im not joking thats the reason. i have to listen to more of their music tho cos i really enjoy what i know so...if you have recs...👀 i'm listening

mm thats a good lineup of music to listen to!! paramore is another band i never got super into, i meant to and then i listened to all of riot and then i learned that hayley williams is like pretty christian and that a few paramore songs are more christian than i anticipated and now i'm like. on the fence about it all. but i wanna listen to after laughter i just havent gotten around to it yet. and i did like riot. i like paramore. i like dead horse by hayley, i didnt like the other single she released, and i didnt listen to her solo music because i didnt like the first single so im not sure if i would actually like it? i am accepting vibe checks in that category though i dont really know what kinda music it is. actually now that im thinking about it doesnt she have two albums now???? i feel like the answer is yes. anyway. moving on

that is very fair the thing abt the tde stuff is that it's all so interesting and so different from every other tde song like they really just do something unique in each song which i think is awesome but also makes it hard to like every song bc it's not like one universal vibe you kinda have to decide for each song if you're enjoying it or not. i do LOVEEEE tde though, im very jealous that you're seeing them perform. although i dont know why im not, just looked it up and theyre gonna be in new york on november 24th which is a sunday so i miiiight.....be able to go.......maybe...........their website says the 25th which is a monday so maybe i was under the impression the show was on a monday?? but the ticket site says sunday. 👀 we will just...have to see......what we see.............

ANYWAY

RIGHT im so excited for their album i was mistakenly thinking it was coming out the same night as luke's but it was just the new single which i really liked on a first listen but have to listen to again cos ive only heard it the one time. but i hope it fucks. they announced that the album is called girlfriend which personally i think is really fun so i have high hopes

SHE NAMED HER CHILD FUCKIN WHAT NOW???????????????

wait eight years thats a long time but also thats roughly how long ive been around 1d wtf........insane. madness. and in fairness probably roughly how long ive been around 5sos but i took a hiatus from both of those bands during high school so im not sure how much i can count all of those years. ive been around all time low for six years though, that's pretty good. anywayyyy i hope you like luke's album but no pressure man listen whenever you feel like it. LOVE YOU

[icarianiscariot]

i am,, an actor,,, everything is a performance. this is a vent and it. got very long? anyway

i keep forgetting that i'm in a relationship slkjdflksdjlkfjdsf which is shitty but. i dunno. i haven't really told many people or made a big deal out of it and,, i kinda. regret? maybe? getting into it? it's not BAD it's just. boring?

no offense to them but i just. am bored. and they're like.. hm. like, they would be in the high school friend group adjacent to mine, if we were in high school together? in the sense that i. don't vibe w their specific personality type, if that makes sense? idk how to explain this hmmmm

i'm a quiet person generally, but that also comes with the idea that when i talk, people do hear me. or, i'm very very chatty, and i end up with a lively conversation. but it's like...... half the time i don't think they've heard me at all. or like, they aren't really listening? i'll say something and then they're on to a different topic entirely, which. is annoying.

and it's not even in the way that ADHD brain goes ZOOM, it's genuinely like. what.

and, again, no offense to them but i am just. bored. we don't talk about mutual interests very much, or if we do, they are pretty stubborn in their opinions? and it's not like we're getting Excited Together about the thing. our shared interests will come up and it's just a passing comment or something.

i keep forgetting that we're supposed to be in a relationship.

AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABT IT RN EITHER FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS

1. it's their birthday month and i am not that cruel

(1a) they mentioned that april is a depressive time for them bc they've had a lot of people leave their life in various aprils through the years, and a traumatic incident happened to them in april, so it's a hard time for them. i KNOW i shouldn't guilt trip myself over this, but like. it would be a dick move to ditch now, after they've admitted this fear of theirs

(1b) they have also told me that, alongside this april-induced fear of abandonment, they specifically are afraid of me getting bored of them. FUCK--

2. they're getting a new job which means they might be able to visit me soon

(2a) i am tempted to wait until after we've met up irl BECAUSE that'll be kinda like. when i'm for sure "yes i have enough feelings for this to continue" or "no apparently i don't have enough feelings for this to continue"

(2b) yes it's a long distance relationship, which isn't actually a big deal to me, i'm okay with that!! we're adults and having a ldr isn't my issue with it.

it's such a coin toss on if i'm going to like. feel desire to hang out, too. bc i really truly do enjoy their company! i want them in my life in some capacity! but. like. as friends, i think? 60% of the time? 75% of the time?

we have super great chemistry sometimes!! like, i def do understand why i agreed to be in a relationship with them.

it's just. in between those times, i'm. ugh. i feel like i have more interesting interactions + more chemistry with my friends than i do with them. OTL

i guess we just. go with it. it's certainly not a BAD situation. primarily, i feel guilt whenever i experience attraction to anyone else and i feel bored with the relationship and sometimes, to be completely honest, i dread phone calls and long conversations. my attention is elsewhere 80% of the time.

and that makes me such a shitty partner, i know!! like, jack, if you don't have feelings then just break up!!

but i DO have feelings for them sometimes! and i don't wanna be that douchebag who's like, "hey we should break up" *two weeks later* "baby i miss u so bad i want u back" (and, part of me thinks that. if i break up with them, i'll hate myself, bc then i'll want them More)

it's just. a pendulum. and i'm tired and i'm BOREDDDD.

"you should communicate your feelings" RIGHT YES OKAY HOW.

hey, so, i know april is a terrible month for you, and your birthday is coming up, and you have this fear of people getting bored of you, and you've been planning on flying halfway across the country to visit me, and you've told me already that you're kind of in love with me, but...

LIKE HOW SHITTY CAN I BEEEEEEEEEEE

i do like them. i like them a lot. i do! i'm. hm.

conflicted.

i'm just gonna leave things be. it's fun to have a partner, on the good days. we do cute shit together, which is lovely. and like. seeing things and thinking of them, sharing cute stuff with each other, having someone to just... know is mine and likes me that much and ??

UGH. ugh ugh ugh ugh.

"if you're having these thoughts then maybe you should just break up with them" BUT IN LIKE 24 HOURS I'LL BE CRAVING THEIR ATTENTION AND AFFECTION--

in the long run, yes, it would be better for me to break it off, bc i'm. i'm not,,, suuuuuuuuuuuuuper emotionally invested? i am! but i'm not. but ALSO there's. no harm. in keeping it going? because i AM to a degree emotionally invested, and i DO like them a lot, and things ARE pretty good.

i just. i knew this would happen, bc my attraction to people ALWAYS only lasts for like 2-3 weeks? we've been dating for like, a month and a half or so now. and i Can Tell, i guess.

i dunno. i dunno i dunno i dunno.

[selfcareparker]

LMAOO I WAS GONNA BRING UP FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLIDER BUT I WASNT SURE IF YOU WERE WATCHING IT HSKAJ (are you liking it? i know it’s only the first episode but ya know, another one tomorrow night- well tomorrow night for me, and did you like wandavision?? i loved it!!)

oh my goodness i’m watching lion king while writing this and i haven’t seen it in a while and i am..... emotional. but anyway, i love that streaming services think that imma pay for them while they charge $50 a month. like yes of course i have that kind of money and i am going to give it to you to watch tv 🙄 that $50 is budgeted to sims thank you. (ALSO SIMS!!! i’ll get to that in a minute) now see if i don’t google levidia right this minute LMAOO, not that i’m gonna use it.. just for the research...

AND HDKSHS SEND THAT CHAOS WALKING LINK LMAO i saw it for the third time with a different one of my friends and she wasn’t the best one to see it with? she literally was on her fucking phone and i was like ok whatever her loss not mine, and idk if you’ve read the books or if you’ve seen it by now, but by the end of the whole movie, after they’ve confirmed THE THING throughout the whole movie she asked the dumbest question and i’m like diD YOU NOT WATCH THE MOVIE, and i guess she didn’t. so. this sounds so vague but i don’t wanna spoil the movie for you just in case lol.

THE STORY LMAOO, so A DIFFERENT FRIEND LOL, like my oldest bff, we had a day together and we wanted to go see chaos walking. and i honest to God thought that no one would be seeing this movie. like NO ONE. every day, i checked the theater seating and no one was there right? plus i really wanted us to have the theater to ourselves. so we sit in the wrong seats, the row in front of us, STILL THINKING WE’RE ALONE. and then these 3 older people came in AND IM ABOUT TO SCREAM FHSJSH AND IM LIKE “are we in your seats?” and they we were like uh yeah, AND IT WAS SO BAD LMAOO , we’re moving and everything would’ve been FINE but my friend’s reclined seat was going down so slow and as it’s going shes LITERALLY SAYING ALOUD “awkward awkward awkward” so she thinks forget it, lemme just get up. HER BAG GETS CAUGHT ON HER CHAIR AND HER FRIES AND THEY SPILL ALONG WITH HER HONEY MUSTARD 😭😭 ALL OVER THE FLOOR! so i’m trying not to laugh lmao but those aren’t even our seats and we just made a mess, so naturally, i get on the floor and start cleaning it up with my napkins (this is going for too long) AND MY FRIEND IS STILL SAYING “awkward awkward awkward awkward” and i’m really abt to crack up bECAUSE LIKE SHUT UP HAHAHA and we’re cleaning it and shit and the oldest lady is gonna say “yeah you’re not gonna make an old lady get on the floor, are you?” AND I WANTED TO LAUGH AND SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME BC DID WE ASK YOU TO, NO, so then i had to get the manager and she helped us clean it, we got new fries and everything was fine, it’s just a crazy story bc LITERALLY WE COULDVE AVOIDED IT AND EVERYTHING BUT THESE ELDERLY PEOPLE HAD TO COME AND SEE THIS MOVIE😭😭 at least the gentlemen was nice.. he helped us clean. but then his wife was like “i aM nOt siTTiNg tHeRe” and at first i thought she was a teenager bc of her stink attitude but her husband was nice. and it’s not like we weren’t cleaning it up, we were!!! like i was so apologetic- anyway.

about sims! do you play console or pc? wait,, you already told me you play pc bc your computer was broken, i’m glad you can play now though :’)) litetally when i read in the tags that you’re playing sims !!!! and are you hyped for bunk beds? i have cc so i’ve had them for a bit, but they were glitchy... but i’m so excited we have them now! i should really play sims today...

GURL IM SO PROUD OF YOU 🥺🥲 i know you aren’t fluent in everything and you aren’t a linguistic genius LMAO but it’s still soooo amazing :’) here i am reading the captions while ur just going hahah, yea i tried duolingo but.... i didn’t stick to it HDJSH talking to you though makes me so interested because you know all these languages, not even studying them like that, but you have this foundation and ahh it’s just super cool. LOL YOU DONT SOUND LAME HAJA IM TELLING YOU ITS SO SO COOL, i’m loving this lesson btw oh my goodness- HSKAJS YOU THOUGHT I WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT??? HDYSJHS MY ONLY ENGLISH SPEAKING ASS??? HAHAHAHHAH i find that word (Rindfleischetikettie- i’m not gonna write the whole thing i’m sorry) very interesting... like... wow. did you have to google that or did you just know lmao

OKAH THE WATER THING HDKDJDKS UR GONNA TERRIFY ME HAHAH OH MY LORD- first of all CROATIA 😍😍 but thinking about it like that, I WOULD FREAK OUT TOO HAHSGSG i never go that deep into the water, or if i do i have my dad with me lol and i kind of hold onto him bc ive seen/heard too many things about people being dragged into the sea. but i loveee the water (i wanted to be a mermaid soooo bad ohmigosh)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ONE CANNOT LIKE MUSIC ITS AWFUL !! lmao yeah i haven’t even listened to harry’s his first album, everyone says they love it more. I WAS GONNA SAY IMMA LISTEN TO ONLY ANGEL BUT THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE IT HUHAHAH also i have never listened to anything by mgk (i actually had to google who he was IM SORRY😔) i’m tempted to listen tho lol PLEASE JUSTIN BIEBER- I PROMISE IM NOT LAUGHING AT U IVE JUSY NEVER HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT B4!! like i don’t know many people who’ve liked him bUT NOW IM GONNA LISTEN & the cardboard cutout- okay. 😭😭😭

oh my goodness to see the vamps live 🤧 TO SEE ANYONE LIVE PLEASE JJDGSHAHGD and little mix is so good oh my goodness- i actually haven’t been to that many concerts.. i was at my first one, elsie fest (it’s like a broadway thing really) in uhhh october of 2019, yea i took my mom for her birthday bc she loves darren criss and i’m obsessed with glee lmao OH MY GOODNESS YOUVE BEEN TO SO MANY!!! and those are such great artists 😩😩

LMAO UR FINE, hamilton is a musical that lin manuel miranda wrote and i think generally made? i’m obsessed, but basically it was on broadway and then recorded and put on disney+ ... idk i guess it counts a film bc it’s like a movie really cuz it was recorded but in what 2018 or 2016? i don’t remembers the date that is on disney+ but it’s strange how i got into it, a lot of my friends were obsessed and i was like uhh why? and while researching it and watching it, trying to figure out why people love it... i fell in love with it LMAO but the music is FANTASTIC and lin is incredible😭 but yes yes yes i loveeeee high school musical!! my dad actually took my cousins to see it on ice or something (i absolutely forget lmao) but i don’t know how people don’t know hsm. it upsets me.

OKAY IM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM HAHAHA (it takes me so long to respond, now i’m on lion king 2 WHICH IS SO GOOD PLEASE FHHSSHHSHSH) i could respond in chunks but i kind of enjoy responding like this? it feels a bit like a letter but if this whole thing is overwhelming i’ll cut it up lol

+ yes that was me about your fic and sleep and everything lol but it was so good😭 i don’t understand how you write peter so well like you have this ability to capture his.. everything? i’m crine. all the time. over your fics. & i cannot describe my happiness for youuuu :’) i’m so happy you’re writing again 🥺🥰 the thing about how you only want to write the long peter fic but you don’t know how to continue... i feel that so so so hard, i don’t think i told you but ughh i was so blah bc of that feeling of having pent up inspiration for only one fucking thing and not being able to write it. it’s so frustrating 😭

not to add more to this but i need to vent a bit? the situation is definitely different bc with your major it obviously requires for you to ya know, know english lol, but uhm bc i’m homeschooled ive been cheating on all my work SHSHDHSJ like i google the answers but i’m still learning! it’s just..... i find it so unnecessary, like going for an audition no one is gonna say to me “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” like tf??? there’s literally no point. i’m gonna be getting into voice lessons again soon and i’m already doing dance, AND i’ll be doing this summer camp program (more hamilton lol) and thinking about school is only making me stress more, like i haven’t been able to rehearse dance at all this week bc of it...... so

hahaha reading your tags, lonely anon would still be accurate HAHAHHAHA // another add: yea i love ur current theme, i’ve gotten used to “seeing you” like this, but anything will look super pretty :)) ALSO HOW IS IT STILL SNOWING THERE, i swear it’s getting warmer and warmer by the day here 😭🤧

these long ass posts, my gosh🥲 lonely lovely anon <3

Omg yes it does feel like a letter sldkdj and then the few days of waiting also make more sense okay i love this ❣️💕❤️💓❤️💞🧡💜💘(wtf)sksjhz

Dear lovely anon,

ALSKSJVKD yes i‘m liking falcon and winter soldier dlkdh i haven‘t watched the second episode yet but i‘ll watch it tomorrow! but i didn‘t watch wandavision........ eidislskks i was going to but idk i wasn‘t that interested in it and watching series is already too much of a commitment (what can i say i‘m a Sagittarius—🤧 (no i’m joking i actually know NOTHING about starsigns)) didjj that i couldn‘t force myself to watch it, ALSO i hate (idk if this is an unpopular opinion) when every episode is like a whole hour. i‘m rewatching an old series today (it‘s german so i won‘t even get into it) and the episodes are 25 mins each and i‘ve already watched 8 episodes today ridlndjdjd,,, and i feel like if the episodes were an hour each i wouldn‘t have gotten past episode 2 today like idk.... even if series had the same length in total, i prefer when the individual episodes are shorter idk why tho tbh (so yeah i already wasn‘t 100% convinced about watching wandavision so i just couldn’t make myself watch a bunch of 1hour episodes— i‘ve heard that it‘s good tho- but i‘m not much of a series person so. Dldkk (have we talked about this already??? sorry i don‘t remember what i said lol and i couldn‘t find my own post anymore so dkdjsh) (WAIT I JUST CHECKED THE WANDAVISION EPIOSRDES ARENT EVEN THAT LONG??? Okay wait i might watch it now - did you like it? let me know if i should watch it— why did i think they were 60minutes???)

okay another confession i‘ve never watched the lion king????? i mean i watched it when i was a child but i was too young to actually pay attention to any kind of plot i just liked the songs lol sldkdj i‘ve been meaning to watch it for years tho 🦁 (idk it just felt appropriate to put a lion emoji lmoaoo)

OH MY GOD THE CHAIS WALKING/CINEMA STORY AHSJSKKS😭😭😭😭 NOOOOO (very fitting that there was so much chaos when you were watching a film that has chaos in the title loool) and the “awkward awkward awkward“ SAME SKSKSLSKDJ, that‘s literally me 24/7 ahajshshhshshsh. Like i was so skdjdjdkdllsldksnsnsnsb while i read what you sent me djslslsjdjdbdn why are old ladies always so grumpy btw 🥲🥲🥲 at least the man was nice tho! and wait did i read that right... you have fries (which, to me, are called chips dusuusldk) at your cinemas?? (Movie theatres sorry sksjsh) we just have popcorn and nachos and drinks i want chips too when i‘m watching a film what😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also i still haven’t watched it so thanks for not spoiling it!!! (idk when i’ll watch it i’m so bad with films and even worse with series💀💀💀- same with cherry. i literally forgot all about cherry, i was SO hyped when the trailer came out like i’ve never been so excited about a movie... and then it came out... and i still haven‘t watch it like what‘s wrong with me???? Dkdjdjdjdklsl i feel like i‘m not gonna watch it anytime soon tbh, but i wanna watch chaos walking i just have to find the time

Okay and @ your other friend who wasn‘t paying attention like why are you even watching the film then???? but ok (omg this sounds so mean i‘m sure she‘s very nice but in this situation just like❔❔❔)

SIMS ahhh, BUNK BEDS, ahhhh sdljdjdjdkdkdldksj i actually haven‘t played it since the update 🤧🤧 i made both of my sims (enisa (bestselling author already, thank you) and michael (aspiring doctor)) go to university and bro it takes so long 😭😭 and you can‘t do anything else if you want them to do well so literally the last three times i played sims i was just constantly clicking their homework and computerd to write their assignments (i play it in german so idk what its called on the sims) and do their presentations and do them all over again so that they get better or whatever for HOURS, but imma play again soon

also i‘m living my fanfiction life loool, so i made my two sims neighbours (on the same plot tho but i made two small separate houses lol, i still wanted to control both of them at the same time but i made sure they didn‘t interact before i wanted them to skdjdjdk). and first they both experimented and got some experience in the love department you know (all genders, cause i have to live my sexuality even in a pc game slskdjh— wait, i‘ve never lived my sexuality irl like i‘ve done NOTHING nothing with guys nothing with girls (🥲) but maybe that’s why i want to do it even more in the sims) and then they met at uni and realised like hey we‘re neighbours and now they‘re together (but michael accidentally had an alien baby with another woman (who was an alien which i was not aware of) cause i wasn‘t paying attention like i said woohoo not try for baby like michael why is your pull out game so weak tf LSHDDHDJDJSKKDKSKDKS okay but making out and flirting and doing all the fun stuff in the sims turns me on way more than it should PFAHAHHAHSH) so idk why i told you this but I’m creating that neighbour!au in the sims lmaoooo

i did not have to google Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsübertragungsaufgabengesetz (just did it again😌 sisjshhs) but i might have mixed up the words überwachung und übertragung or i might have even forgotten a word skskks but in the end it doesn‘t matter (by linkin park- ok i‘m so sorry it‘s 2 am and i have a headache from having waveformers in my hair all day but i still wanted to reply to this now so sorry if i‘m not making any sense right nowbahahshah)

i wanted to be a mermaid too dldjdksksj like h2O and all those series convinced me i could be one like. i remember i‘d always go in the deep pool and attempt to swim like them in all the series with that wave motion i must have looked so crazy with my goggles as well dkdjsksöksj (i was like twelve but still)

so mgk has two sides one is hip hop/rap which is like ~~~~ idk he has good and bad songs, but his latest album is like punk pop snd I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, so if you like punk pop I’d recommend his album tickets to my downfall (i don‘t blame yoj if you don‘t like it tho like about a year ago i would have HATED that type of music dkdkdkkd)🥴

Okay talking about music, there‘s this german rapper and he is... not a good person. he‘s literally a criminal and extremely sexist but to me he‘s still hot???????? he‘s even cute at times even tho he has tattoos everywhere and is like 6‘5 and is super aggressive but i see him and i‘m like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my heart beats only for you💘💘💘💘and he released a new song today and i watched the video and i‘m wondering wtf is wrong with me 😃 (he did look particularly cute cause he was high so idk he wasn’t really aggressive in this one) 😭 so i thought i‘d share that LMAO IDK

(not saying tattoos aren‘t cute btw i LOVE tattoos imma get some soon, but you know he looks like someone your grandma would be afraid of (and in his case rightfully so💀)

okay wait i‘m getting so tired it‘s 2 am i think i‘ll have to do the rest tomorrow but i wanted to do it now😭🥺🥺 see you tomorrow

it is now 3:42 am and i couldn‘t sleep so here we go again

girl you can laugh at me for liking justin tho skskks i wanna laugh at myself idk, like i said i really really really liked him a few years go, basically my life was at least 50% justin and then he went on a break for a while and released an album last year which i hated 🥴 but this album is wow. (Still weird to me because it‘s literally the definition of pop and i don‘t ever listen to pop?) and it‘s so weird because i used to know so much about justin and had so many friends who loved him as well and now it‘s like I’m listening to someone new? Don‘t get me wrong i never KNEW justin and i never will and i‘m aware of that shahsh but yeah i used to be soooo used to him and it‘s like reconnecting with an old friend and you realise you don‘t know that friend anymore- like you don‘t know them anymore at all. I mean justin is weird nowadays 😂😂😂 so pls laugh at me tbh dskksjsjsh

awww it‘s so wholesome that you gave your mom tickets to the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i gave my mum tickets for pink like 2 years ago and she loved it so much and i was like 🥰🥰🥰 (i went with her) AND OMG GLEE ok so unfortunately i barely remember glee, but i used to watch it too!!!! And it‘s actually on my list of series i wanna watch (again) so youre making me want to watch it even more (but like i said i‘m bad with series so 😩😩😩 who knows when i‘ll rewatch it)

When all this pandemic shit is over (let‘s be hopeful <3333) then you need to go to as many concerts as possible!!!!! i‘ve been to SO MANY and it‘s literally one of the things in my life i‘m the most grateful for, concerts are some of the best experiences i‘ve ever had in my life especially the ones that are in smaller concert halls where you can feeeel the vibe and everyone‘s energy (and that sounds awful thinking about it mid-pandemic 😐) anyway—

Okay omg you‘re absolutely making me want to watch hamilton right now like omg i WANT TO WATCH IT NOW but it‘s 4 am sodndkdldl

what you said about my peter fics🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺like omg i love these emojis they literally just describe how i felt when reading what you said so, yes, 🥰🥺 + thank you :) it really means a lot <3

and no omg i totally get the studying thing. like last year before i graduated .. was that last year? yes wtf omg okaykdjdj, so the last three months before i had my final exams we were just in a lockdown and we didn‘t even have online classes. We had nothing except one teacher who left our group chat (😭) because she was mad at us (?) and one maths teacher who did an online ““lesson““ once a week. he‘d ask: so does anyone have questions. us: . Him: okay, bye then. So. Yeah dndldldj. But we had one online test and it was in german and like i read the book wee were supposed to read? but the questions on the test were all unanswerable (is that a word?) and i had to google everything (got an A tho 🤪 but only because i googled everything so i was so scared that i wouldn‘t be able to get a good result on the final exam because what if i‘d gotten used to just googling everything and i couldn‘t do it by myself anymore? anyway it was all fine in the end but yeah at times i couldn‘t even study because i had so much anxiety about studying and yeah- like this whole annoying cycle. but you said you‘re still studying———- okay wait 👁👄👁 i forgot what i was going to say??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like wtf. Is wrong with me? And i‘m reading what you wrote again and i just don‘t know what i was going to say? Like i get what you‘re saying obviously but i‘m like? Idk 4am brain ayeee, please vent more if you need to and elaborate further because right now i‘m???? Too dumb to respond to this right now wtf. I‘m so sorry lmao ddlkdjdjd what is even going on like i‘m sitting here open mouthed just like ? But btw the fact that you have Voice and dance lessons is like SO FUCKING COOL like oh my god that is sosososos cool wtf, i was thinking that when you first talked about it too

And “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” ODHDKSLDBDJDOFIDKDNDLDK

Yes i know about the weather dkdkdkjd but it‘s getting (a lot) warmer here too and where i live we kind of get a weird type of wind called föhn (which literally means hair dryer but idk if that‘d the reason why it‘s called that, i‘m too tired to think of whether it makes sense rn) and it gives me headachesssssss and the changing weather is also giving me headaches 😭😭😭😭 so this season right now is just headache season and i hate summer so i wish it would just snow again lmao (okay it‘s getting so late that it‘s early already snd i can hear this bird chirping so fucking loud wtf i‘m also getting a headache 🤧🤧🤧) but at least i can do my new theme soon (i hope it‘ll look good🥺 and omg thank you for what you said about my current theme- i always feel like i‘m so bad with aesthetics, i obviously like my theme but i feel like every single person on tumblr has a theme that is prettier than mine so it was very nice to hear you say that you love it👉🏼👈🏼 (i‘m so used to it by now that i actually hate it lmao so it‘s getting yeeted soon and i‘m making megan thee stallion my pfp 🤪 (if the graphics and shit works out skdjdjdj)

[riskeith]

awwww i’m here now darling so you better feel amazing <33333

ok miss i see the subtle flex you just pulled on me, just say your team is op and go... :pp jk!! no but yeah if you’re stronger than the goddamn bosses it usually goes easily. can’t say i’ve seen those days in a while tho rip

YOU ARE MY BABY!!!!!! you could do a doodle for me and i’ll literally cry abt it until i die. ooooh that seems good tho??? especially ningguang and beidou... the ladies are making a comeback 🥴 i agree with you actually!! i’d love for chongyun to come back (so you can get his c6 mostly) and for selfish reasons i want razor to come back to... bc boy scouts. i really want the boy scouts... hope it happens soon tho 🥺

speaking of boy scouts i just got him.... xingqiu.. i felt so bad bc i know how much you want him... :( but i didn’t get any xiangling so. i lost successfully shskdhsk. also I WISH they had cross-server co-op more than ever at this moment bc then we could do our chongyun + xingqiu dates... 🥺

cluna you’re literally so cool! you work through them? help couldn’t be me. i get super annoyed and if it’s not working i’ll just let it go and write something else instead shskdhdksk. for instance, i was working on this fic two months ago and i got really far into it when i hit a writers block. so, its just been collecting dusts for months now. a couple days ago i accidentally stumbled upon it and realize the potential it had so i might pick it up sksjdkd. i was literally prepared to just let it rot like so many other fics i write. so yeah idk sometimes i just give up because it’s easier even if it hurts me bc i spent so much time writing them sjshdkdj. yikes.

right?? and when you write a fic that takes place during the day you can get inspired by the atmosphere outside!! and yes!! i have to study outside i can’t get anything done at home. i used to be able to do that when i was younger but now it feels sooo impossible. especially with online school and stuff. either i go to a library, cafe or school. although most of these are closed now so i have to book a room somewhere to study. do you have a specific area at home where you write or can you just sit down anywhere and study?

for sure!! if i had the space i’d absolutely consider buying more books. right now i just have them scattered around everywhere (even some in my makeup drawer shdjdh). do you have a bookshelf? 🥺 that’s so pretty...! what are some of your other favorites btw? oh grade school is basically class 1 to 9... so from 6 years old to 15? girl no worries i know how difficult it is to understand all of that. when my friends used to explain their countries school systems before i’d just sit like owl eyes.

THE ALBEDO FANART!!!!! during his quest i took sooo many screenshots god he’s just perfect. he’s such a gentle and sweet boy ughhhhh.... he’s been gone for 2 days and i already miss him. and xiao and aether are just... yeah... i love how everyone ships aether with the boys yet i don’t think i’ve ever seen lumine shipping fanart? let’s just say gay rights and leave it at that.

BEFORE I CLICKED ON THE LINK I HAD A FEELING IT WOULD BE THAT POST.... literally us!!!! don’t make one in america no worries!! idk why my acc was set to that lmao. i’ll make one in asia tonight and just hustle for a few weeks until i reach co-op (i think it was ar 15?) plus i really want aether so i’m kind of not so stressed about it tbh? god i’m actually so exciiiiiteeeeed...... 😭 you gotta promise you’ll help me with domains and bosses tho you’re gonna be at a much higher rank than me while i’ll just be a little nooby girl. 😭

thank you so much for the encouragement!!! ♥️

today i didn’t keep you waiting too long, hehe. i missed you too much. but you’re porobably asleep now though :( oh well, can’t wait to hear from you my love <333

hiya!! i’m still up bc i miscalculated the length of a fic chdjcnskjd and thought to check if you’d sent anything before i went to sleep!! made me v excited to see there was not only 1 but 2 asks from you hehe (also it’s 2am rn so apologies for any incoherence!!)

AHAHAH fjskdjskdn genuinely tho,,, i’m really happy with my team rn LOL. and noooo you’ll get there someday!! before your world level increases and you’re stuck being many levels below the bosses again fhdjdjkd it’s a cycle 😩

NFKSKDLAKS i wish i could manage even a doodle… drawing hair is literally my worst nightmare (along with drawing anything else tbh) and all the genshin charas have such complex layered hair ugh it’s like they don’t want me to even try. yass beiguang (idk if that’s their ship name) actual queens 👑. razor!!!! what a good boye. i love his idle animation so much, pls he deserves everything 🥺🥺 and you deserve to get the boy scouts!!! can’t wait for that day to come <33

AHHH!!!! no don’t feel bad i’m so happy for you omg… live out all my xingqiu-having dreams for me please 😩😩😩😩 our xingyun dates!!!! some day it’ll be a reality <333

DHJAJSHS nooooo fuck writer’s block 😤😤😤 but i hope you’re able to finish that fic now!! (vaguely, if you prefer) what’s it about? also i have plenty of fics/ideas just rotting too, but that’s usually bc i get caught up in a new idea which i like more ? i think? lmao so yeah i definitely do give up on my fics too omg wait do you have those fics where you’re like omg this concept is god tier i’m so big brained and then you write out a scene and then it’s like … wtf do i do with this now? HAHAHAH like my attention span is slowly too short to write any long af fics, i can’t stay dedicated or interested enough for that but a lot of the ideas i have have the potential to be those 300k 40 chapter slow burn etc etc so there are so many docs in my drive that are just. works with like 2-3 written scenes and an entirely fleshed out plan but i know i’ll never actually end up writing it bc of aforementioned factors lolllll. that’s another reason why i think about just releasing all my wips some day! so people can see all the ideas im unable to execute jfjsndns. do you [like] writing super long fics like that? i admire your tenacity if you do ahah

agreeeeeed <3 and oh i see!! i always feel like people who don’t study at home are so studious fjskdksk it gives off that kinda vibe for me 🤪 and i have a study! so i usually do most of my work there. sometimes tho when i get bored and if i’m not watching a lecture i’ll sit on my couch or on the floor and change things up a bit lolol

djxkkakdks omg don’t let your makeup ruin the books.. or is the makeup more important djskskks. i do have a bookshelf!! it has like… 6 levels? and it’s all full 😳😳 other faves are defs the hunger games (catching fire >>>>>>>>) and you know the others like percy jackson, divergent, the mortal instruments. oh and the maze runner!!!!!!! the prequel (? sequel???) is probably one of the recent books i’ve actually read, even tho that was like back in 2017 lmao. i liked the john green stuff too.. just a lot of the like. basic ones LMAO. hbu??

6-15??? damn that’s an interesting range djsksk i guess the closest for us would be primary school which covers ages 6-12!

albedo is legit SO prettt and for what. his hair, his eyes, his soft spoken manner. ugh 😩😩😩 and taking a bunch of screenshots is a big mood!! ooo i’ve seen some lumine ones but yeah def not a lot ! (i know there’s discourse surrounding that lmao) but yes gay rights 😤 wait that reminds me i saw the cutest razor pic the other day and saved it i’ll show you when i’m in a more awake state to attach the image fjdjnd

!!!!!! ours minds… actually connected 🧠

okay that sounds good!!! and yeah wtf why does co-op unlock so like late lol let us play together NOW 😤 and good luck with starting again!! and have fun with aether hehe we’ll be able to have both ours meet 🤪🤪 AND YES I PROMISE!!!! i’ll carry you until we’re both the same AR and we can suffer fighting bosses together <3 you can just sit back and watch me do all the work 🤪 i’m super excited too!!! 🤩🤩🤩 and thank you for doing thisss even tho i know you said you don’t mind but still!! 💗💘💝💕💓💗💞

no problem!!! i believe in you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

eagerly (but patiently) anticipating your response~ xo!

[tinycaprisun]

✨twenty questions✨

i was tagged by @freshlysqueezedmox !!! thanks summer i always get good and in my feelings when someone’s tags me in things 🧡

—

1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

uh, liz is cool but really u can call me anything, like i’ll respond to bastard if u yell it loud enough

2. when is your birthday?

february 29th & yes i am not joking i was born on leap year and my day of birth only exists once every 4 years

3. where do you live?

in super mega ultra hell. is that meme already dead bc idk i like the verbiage of it lmao- no but for real i live in missouri, and there isn’t much to do other than stare at a giant hunk of curved metal and eat barbecue that the locals tell u is the best thing since sliced bread & maybe it is i just don’t like it myself ahaha

4. three (3) things you are doing right now?

aside from answering this? well listening to 9 to 5 by dolly parton bc yeehaw, petting my cat who’s curled up on my foot, and slowly waiting for the day to end

5. four (4) fandoms that have peaked your interest?

oh god there r too many to count but as of rn? probs wrestling, buzzfeed unsolved, rupaul’s drag race & just drag in general, and achievement hunter

6. how has the pandemic been treating you?

um... if you would like the honest answer, not great... i lost my job in august so i haven’t been employed for a few months now. my dad hasn’t been making the money he used to so i’ve started helping paying the bills w/ the funds i had saved for going back to college from when i did have that job. sort of become a recluse again, where i almost never leave the house outside of small trips to the store or the literal once in a blue moon going and social distantly see a friend. it’s basically the life i lived in early 2019 while i’m very lonely all the time while trying to solve the problems of my family as the same time? whatever who cares i’m moving on

7. a song you can’t stop listening to right now?

oddly enough, ‘positions’ by ariana grande! i don’t listen to her all that often but for some reason this song really stuck to me! i especially like the versions of it where it’s slowed down and had reverb!

8. recommend a movie?

this might be out of left field, but ‘motocrossed’! it’s one of those disney channel original movies that i grew up with and it’s still pretty good to this day! the movie’s about (and this is in the words of the legendary nakeyjakey) girls pretending to be boys so they can ride dirt bikes

9. how old are you?

20!

10. school, university, occupation, other? 

as i said before i am now unemployed. and before that i did try to go to university once but failed out of all my classes due to never going to them because i couldn’t force myself to get out of bed. i want to go back to school so fucking bad for secondary education physics as a practical career. but recently i’ve been teasing the idea of becoming a ring announcer because my voice was build to shout really loud, but who knows, u know?

11. do you prefer heat or cold?

cold 100% bc i cannot function in environments above 75° (fahrenheit). like it can be -7° outside and i’ll be pleased as punch but as soon as it gets up there in temp? i melt like a popsicle

12. name one fact others may not know about you.

i used to be a gymnast! did all the flipping and the balance beam stuff & maybe thinking abt doing it again. idk i just want to do a backflip and have cool muscles

13. are you shy?

it kinda depends? i can be the most loud and unabashed son of a bitch if i want to, but sometimes i do get into my own head and go silent and nervous.

14. preferred pronouns

she/her and they/them! and they r not “preferred”, they r my pronouns! :D

15. biggest pet peeve?

okay this isn’t as profound or interesting as summer’s was, but people who scrape their forks against their teeth! it is one the worst sounds known to man and it hurts my already messed up ears

16. what is your favorite “dere” type? 

tsundere? i think? sure, i’ll go with that

17. rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy, 10 being the best it could be. 

5, and this calvin and hobbes comic explains why

18. what is your main blog?

this. she’s been through a lot and i feel sorry for her honestly

19. list your side blogs and what they’re used for. 

i used to have separate blogs a LONG time ago for art and writing, but as it turns out i’m shit at both so they got deleted and this is all i have now

20. is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? 

if we aren’t counting the fact that i’m an asshole, i would say that i have the worst tendency to delete messages i send after a while. basically my brain goes into panic mode if someone isn’t responding back thinking “ur annoying them, they don’t want to talk to u. u should delete what u sent because u should have never of said anything in the first place! only speak when spoken to!” u know, the usual.

—

certified and honorary cowboys i’m tagging: @orangechuckiet @darbs @yellow----daisy @trent-heel-beretta and anyone else who would like to participate i realize this is over a day old, soz for bothering y’all

[ruiyuki-archives]

Star Tear AU - Alt. Timeline: Todoroki ver. [Part 1]

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

Star tears in which Todoroki falls for Momo first.

shortly after the exam with Aizawa he doesn’t know what he’s feeling but just admires her strength and quick thinking

and him hanging out with Deku and Iida at lunch means Todo hears all the nice and good things Momo does when she and Iida to discuss class prez stuff

which intensifies this ??admiration?? and respect more

and he just?? Holds onto those feelings unable to figure out what they are until idk maybe holidays where 1A and 1B throw that holiday hotpot party

and Momos really cute lookin’ in that Santa hat she made with the festive turtleneck

and so that feeling inside Todo grows into something more??? bc "oh shit she cute".... and Todo’s blushing while looking at her from afar. Probably.

so Todo talks to Fuyumi abt it and Fuyumi’s like: “I think you like her Shouto”

and he writes to his mom abt it and Rei's like: “she sounds like a lovely girl Shouto”

and he texts Natsuo abt it and Natsu's like: “aw little bro has a crush”

but all the while this is happening, Momo's gotten closer with Iida over class prez stuff and hero stuff and everyone in 1A (read: mina and hagakure) think iimomo might be a thing???

ofc Momo denies it and making excuses politely like "no no ofc not we're being responsible class prez and vice prez" but she’s kinda stuttery while doing so, so no one buys it

and no ones brave enough to ask Iida except Ochako but he gives some straight laced answer like "i admire her work ethic and respect her as a hero and vice prez" but he also has some tint of blush across his cheeks

so idk fast forward to graduation where Todo's been holding onto these feelings for Momo since first year and iimomo is still very very likely

so its all cherry blossom petals flying around and congratulatory celebrations

and when Todo sees Momo amongst the sakura trees smiling like he's never seen before (bc they're finally officially heroes!!) he thinks she’s beautiful

but just as he's about to approach her, Iida approaches her and Todo can see she's blushing and he knows its really not good to eavesdrop on one of his best friends and the girl he likes

But... he's curious.

or so he lies to himself.

Ofc what he hears isnt what he ever wants to,,,,

cuz Iida just confessed to her.

and she feels the same.

and a star tear slips from Todo's eye as he walks away.

he stops mid step as he touches his cheek bc he didnt even realize he was crying

but what are these tears??? What’s happening?? He's never had these before bc even though Todo is an emotional crier, he doesn’t cry that often.. only when he is completely overwhelmed with emotion

so he has this dumbfounded expression staring at his fingers as these star tears are twinkling out of his eyes catching sunlight and sakura petals

until he hears "Youre a fucking idiot" from a few steps away

Bakugou. 

(Baku really likes eavesdropping ok its not the first time lol)

Baku: theyre called star tears.

Todo: You know what these are?

Baku: it happens when you like someone and that person doesnt like you back, idiot.

Todo: ... oh.

Baku: get that shit sorted or you'll go blind

(And for those who are curious, yes maaaayyybe Bakugou has a case of the stars in this timeline too, that’s how he knows. To whom? I'll let you decide bc honestly, I just want todobaku brotp bonding over unrequited love)

so now Todo thinks he might be fucked. One of his best friends confessed to the girl he likes too and she likes him back and now Todo has this disease that might make him go blind and might get in the way of heroing (which they've all secured post graduation positions by now) and what can he do about it?

nothing, says the doctor he sees. The disease is not curable and the only way to stop it is to have your feelings returned else you'll go colour blind and then completely blind, so he's told.

ya he's really fucked.

maybe its a good thing then, that he doesnt cry often. It makes it easier to ice over these feelings, freeze them in time with the memories of U.A.; of his last congratulations to her and her smile at the end of the ceremony an hour after he overheard that confession

maybe its another good thing that right after graduation, everyone went off to their own positions as side kicks with agencies across japan, focusing on heroing

but its 3 months after graduation that Iida tells Deku and Todoroki that he is seeing Momo when they meet up every Friday to catch up

its 6 months after graduation that its publicly announced in Hero Magazine that Ingenium and Creati are dating

its 9 months after graduation that he sees Iida and Momo attending the Hero Association's rising stars gala as a couple and are seated at the same table as them

(Bakugou is scowling at him across the table.)

Todo tries. He really does. To be happy for them.

but he's angry at himself that he can't be happy for them. That it saddens him to see Momo glowing under the ballroom lights but its not himself to make her shine like that, its Iida. That he sees she is the one to make Iida genuinely happy in the way his eyes light up when he smiles at her.

and all three times Todo goes home, lies down alone in his room, an arm slung across his forehead as the star tears leak from his eyes.

he starts to lose seeing colour at 12 months.

after 24 months he needs glasses for colour correction (and ironically gets a sponsorship with the brand. The fashion magazines print headlines for weeks "Hot-Cold Hero Shouto Fall Fashion! See page 7 spread for his newest spotted specks and turtle necks")

at 36 months Iida breaks the news. Iida's gonna propose to Yaoyorozu and wants him, Deku, and his brother to be his groomsmen

she said yes.

and a part of Todo washes away with the star tears flooding him room and twinkling against the tatami.

he tries to stay out of the wedding planning as much as possible. He'll go to the tuxedo fittings as requested and still keep up hearing the updates when seeing Iida and Deku for their weekly get together on Friday nights. 

But for anything involving Momo's presence, there will always be a "sorry i have a mission that week", "sorry im visiting my mom", "sorry Endeavor needs to see me about the agency"

... all excuses Bakugou knows, but the others pay no mind. They are rising heroes near the top of the billboard by now

month 48. Wedding day.

she's stunning. Gorgeous. A near goddess walking down the aisle on her big day.

but she's not walking down for him. No its for iida.

there was the ceremony, the cheers, the congratulations, the reception. Fairy lights around the dance floor and along the walls, champagne glittering after the sound of a cork

Todoroki stands off to against the wall as the night dies down, a glass in hand, watching the newly weds grace the dance floor.

someone slides up beside him, he feels the presence. Bakugou.

"She's beautiful isnt she?"

"Yeah."

. . .

a star tear falls from Todoroki's eyes, twinkle hidden among the fairy lights and champagne glitter.

she's beautiful, but maybe its a good thing I can't see

somebody said: what if she knows everything that had happened and the reason why he couldn't continue his career is bc of her?

me: ok you’re asking for it

Momo, 3 months pregnant with iimomo baby, announces with Iida the news to their friends

the soon to be parents want to choose godparents for the baby so Iida gets to choose the baby’s godmother and Momo gets to choose the godfather

and ofc along with the announcement Momo asks Todoroki to be the kid’s godfather

he can’t say no to her.

the same week later Todo and Momo's agencies are requested to deal with this one villain case while Ingenium's agency deals with another in another town (later turns out the cases were connected)

small talk, civil, very professional between Momo and Todo when they’re in the debriefing

at this point Todo's pretty much completely blind and uses some special contact lenses from Hatsume to help "see"

but the contact lenses can only do so much as to detect light movement and shadows and it reallllllllly doesnt work well when he's using his fire 

so Todo already had tossed around the idea of running away to the mountains like Roy did in the FMA 2003 ending, "mysteriously" retiring bc really his vision cannot keep up

until this last mission with Momo

and really its been nearly a decade now since they last worked together side by side (not since U.A. he thinks).. so just let the blind man be selfish one last time

and so smth smth missiom happens, Todo and Momo fighting side by side

but Momo senses there’s something off with Todo's movements? His reflexes are slower.. it doesnt seem like he's prediciting the opponents moves like he used to.. he's more so reacting and retaliating than attacking..

she chalks it up to that they havent fought side by side in a long time and his style must’ve changed and really, she doesnt know him anymore... not like she used to

smth smth 3 months pregnant Momo gets hurt, knocked unconscious for a bit

Todo saves her

and when she comes to, while Todo's holding her, star tears fall onto her cheek from Todo's eyes. 

She's shocked. Reaches up to gently graze a finger tip at his left cheek.

"Todoroki-san, these are?"

and again its like Todo didnt realize he was crying. He jerks away from her hand and brushes her off with "its nothing”. Changes the subject with "are you ok?"

Momo: yes.. i think so

Todo: and the baby?

Momo, sitting up: we're ok I think

Todo, moving away: good

the mission concludes and they meet up with Ingenium’s group to wrap up the two ends. Todo slips away before Iida and Momo and approach him

theres no activity from Todoroki for the next month

neither Iida, Deku or anyone else in 1A know where he went except the Hero Association's vague comment on "Hot Cold Hero Shouto has taken a sudden indefinite hiatus"

(Only Todo’s family knows and Endeavor asked the Association to say "hiatus" instead of "retirement" bc Enji wants to believe in his son making a comeback. He didnt stop Shouto from taking off)

and ofc Momo upon hearing this is so confused??? Her last mission with him was the last time she saw him and he was crying. Why was he crying? Strange star tears twinkling and landing on her cheeks? What even is that phenomenon?

its too many questions and ofc Momo's gonna investigate. For the sake of her friend.

so she digs up all the texts she can find on star tears. Internet search all the possibilities. Consults the doctors at the hospital. Even asks Tenya if Todoroki has been acting strangely during their weekly catch ups.

but Tenya tells her Todoroki hasnt been the the meet ups since after their wedding

so she asks anyone in their pro hero circle of associates she can think of. Tsukiyomi, Burnin', heros from his agency, anyone she can think of that has worked with Todoroki before and could comment on his behaviour

no body knows. No body noticed anything different either. Sure there were some off days but the Hot Cold Hero Shouto was always on his game being one of the top 3 heroes on the billboard charts

she searches and searches, splitting time interviewing colleagues and researching the possible star tears phenomenon

until eventually her search takes her to...

Bakugou.

Of course.

Momo, pleading: please Bakugou, you know something about him dont you?

Bakugou, who at this point had been very careful trying not to get cornered knowing her investigation: save it pony tail, you’re about to have a baby. Go have people harass you about that brat in your oven instead of harassing other people

Momo, nearly begging: please. You and I both know he's strong and a good hero that would not suddenly retire. Whatever he is doing, he might need help.. please tell me Bakugou.

... theres something about pregnant women that you cant say no to.

Bakugou, relenting: tch. The half ass is somewhere in Yokohama

and thats all she needs nearly running waddling (as fast as a pregnant woman could) out the door

Bakugou, calling out after her, still reluctant: when find that half ass, i suggest you throw him a gift. Literally. Throw it at him. He deserves it.

she finds him along the port, watching the sunset in Yokohama (its really not that hard to find someone with heterochromia and two tone hair in a city, especially if youre a hero that knows what methods heroes will use to go incognito)

and for some inkling of a feeling, Momo takes Bakugou's advice. She has a carton of strawberry milk in hand.

Momo, a few feet away from him: Todoroki-san, it's been a while.

Todo, turning his head in her direction: Yaoyorozu...?

Momo, sadly smiling: the sunset is beautiful here isnt it?

Todo, brows furrowing: .. sure. Yaoyorozu what are you doing here--

Momo, interrupting him: --i brought some snacks. Strawberry milk, you liked this while we were in school right? Catch.

she tosses it at him.

he tries to reach out.

But he'es completely off. And misses

Momo, sad: Todoroki-san. You're blind, arent you?

Todo, guilty: ah.

Momo, tearing up: will you please tell me?

he still can say no to her and confesses his story

and when he's finished telling the tale of star tears, the stars above are twinkling too

she's crying and choking and sobbing through tears and its intensified by baby Iida with pregnancy hormones

But the last thing she manages to croak out at the very least is still wholly her

She apologizes

“Im so sorry Todoroki- san. I cant love you that way.”

“I know.”

END NOTES:

red is the last color Todoroki wanted to lose because it reminds him of Momo

during missions, as long as he could see her, “that’s ok” he thought. she is the only one he sees in color. that is okay with him

to him, Momo is his shining star. And there’s something tragically poetic of him losing his sight to the stars if its for his shining star Momo

He leaves the last stars in a tiny little jar like those paper stars as a gift for her with just the words on a note "goodbye Momo" the day after she finds him in Yokohama

Momo has the jar of stars forever on her bedside and looks at them with this melancholy expression. Baby Iida grows up and asks mom: "what is that jar of stars?" 

Momo responds: "a gift from someone that was blinded by love"

Bakugou in this timeline had a case of star tears too but I'd like to think he got his feelings requited so he never went blind to contrast Todo

So thats why Baku is (begrudgingly) sympathetic to Todo cuz he thinks: “that could’ve been me”

The ending shot of a blind Todoroki in a dark room, all alone, eyes closed, thinking back to Momo's shining smile from UA surrounded by star light with a sad smile on his face and it fades to black

> archives masterpost

[fallingfromdepression]

12/6/2020

this is gonna be less about school and more me rambling about my mental health and where i am rn in life. i got triggered earlier and i’m hoping i’ll feel better once i write it all out so then i can hopefully get my mind focused back on trying to do this final assignment due tmr evening that i’ve barely started so that’s what the stakes are. put under a cut bc it’s detailing quite a bit of some of my personal life

so i bought a surprise box from an indie artist that ended up being around $30 total with shipping (not too bad since the box is supposed to include at least $50 worth of merch). i haven’t had a lot of misc purchases ever since i came back home, or at least i’m definitely spending less than i did when i was at school, and i generally like all of this artist’s merch so i thought it was a decent expense. unfortunately i did have to buy it today when i am technically supposed to be working on finals and etc but it didn’t take much time since i was notified abt the restock yesterday and i preferred to buy sooner rather than later (i.e. after all my finals are finished) esp from small businesses that have a limited stock. but since my parent is intimately involved with my finances, they saw the purchase asap and kind of interrogated me abt it esp since it’s not a purchase from amazon or a bigger business.

now the context that makes that latter part more meaningful: about this time last yr, i had a situation where i tried to buy an anime merch through a proxy on twitter. this proxy didn’t have an actual website so i was buying through DMs. when i paid the proxy in advance, this same parent saw the purchase and asked me abt it and checked up on the process without asking for any further info. i made the grave mistake (in hindsight) of being honest and telling them i still hadn’t received the purchase months after i had paid them so then this whole shitshow ensued where my parent was convinced the proxy was conning me (the proxy had proxied merch for other ppl before based on their facebook proxy page) and had me cancel the proxy which the proxy thankfully agreed to except they still wanted some payment since they had still gone through the effort to get the merch supposedly (the wait was due to them not shipping the good out yet) so they said they were only going to refund part of the payment. yet again i told my parent abt this partial refund and that further convinced my parent the proxy was conning me (out of $3) so they were like no absolutely no payment to the proxy. lucky for the proxy, around the time i was refunding the payment i had left home and gone back to school so i told them to refund the full amt and i’d pay them separately so i could pretend this $3 payment was for something else i was buying physically. and very very lucky for me the proxy was understanding and refunded the full amt so it looked like i got everything back and i paid them separately through another app. the thing is i was expecting the proxy to take a while bc i had seen on other twitter accounts that proxied merch through individuals tended to take a while, and it had been abt 2ish months since i made the payment. i understand the concern my parent had esp since they are not familiar with online informal dealings, but the thing is ever since this fiasco my parent has assumed everything i buy from a small business (aka anything they don’t recognize) is me getting conned again.

to a degree i understanding and appreciate the concern, but i’m frustrated bc even with that proxy payment i literally cried that night out of anxiety and concern bc i knew there was a chance i could get conned and i had spent days being like ‘should i do it. oh god idk should i. but i’ve checked up on this proxy through any means possible and they seem ok enough...’ so it’s not like i’m like naive af and being like ‘tee hee con me !!’ like i understand the risk and was willing to do it (and to this day i still believe i would have gotten the merch albeit much later than expected). and my age is considered adult age pretty much internationally so it’s not like i’m a naive af 8yo who doesn’t know the dangers of the internet. yes i haven’t made much online purchases but i’m aware of the scams and try to make sure i’m buying from a trusted seller and if it’s worth it for the price. but i hate having to be so concerned abt my spending habits and whether the package will get here in time before my parent cancels the order out of fear of me being conned “again” at my age. i’ll admit i don’t have a stable job yet but it’s not like i’m spending money every week or even every month. if i wasn’t at home i would be less concerned bc the shipment isn’t going to my home address so the parent can’t scrutinize it but bc it is now, my spending is put under more scrutiny.

anyway my parent’s low-key interrogation shook up my mental state as expected and i had to take a bit to unload on my sibling and cry a little. i know if i wasn’t at home this wouldn’t affect me as much but bc i’m at home and having to deal with it in person instead of over text or a phone call... and the damn pandemic isn’t ending anytime soon so i’m going to have to stay at home for the indefinite future. it’s not like i have a ton of shit i want to buy but i don’t want to have to deal with this trigger every few months (last purchase was back in maybe september or so towards a book publishing kickstarter which i guess bc it was only $15 my parent didn’t kick up too much of a fuss abt since technically i still don’t have the ebook i paid for). i’m not purchasing any christmas presents for friends or anyone so i don’t have that as a cover or anything. but the thing is even once i leave home i have little confidence i’ll be able to be independent and my sibling told me it’ll take a few years for me to get a grasp on things but idk. it just feels so far away in the future and i can’t envision my present self with no motivation or willpower to do it even though i mean when push comes to shove i’ll get it done i suppose. i know the rational outsider’s answer would be ‘well why don’t you start working on that better future self now?’ and i’m like great fucking suggestion and i have nothing to argue against that. i just literally cannot envision my future at this point, even if i act on my vague dream of doing art as a job. maybe once i fucking finish these finals and this quarter i’ll be able to think more clearly but idk. as i said in my last post, i really need to consider seeing a therapist bc being at home and having to handle being under my parents’ control again is really doing a number on me esp as essentially a NEET (partially false since i’m still in edu but i really do be feeling like that since i feel so useless and dependent on my parents at my age when i know others my age are slightly more independent).

i feel like this ended up me rambling about essentially the same things i ramble abt whenever i talk abt my mental health the past few years and idk how much this actually helped unload the burden on my mental state. i just wish i didn’t have to have this trigger bc i would’ve just made the purchase and then not think much abt it until i receive the package. but now i have to have this concern for the future on top of the fucking deadlines i have in the next 2 days.

[abloomingperiod]

junmyeon as a bf

the softest of the softies

kim junmyeon is an old-fashioned guy

and i’m not saying that in terms of being conservative or anything, ‘cuz i really hope he isn’t

i mean in the sense of love

like you know that kind of person who dreams the whole picture

like

he dates for a reason

unlike other members, junmyeon isn’t the type to not think about the future

being a leader makes you like that

but this gets less harsh on him when u arrive in his life

yk that whole romantic comedy movie where a guy runs into someone and it’s this beautiful woman with the biggest smile and they fall for each other and shit

well.......not exactly your case

he indeed ran into you with an iced tea in hands

except you didn’t smile at him

you basically screamed “SHIT IM SORRY ILL PAY U BACK”

he got so flustered w your reaction like

this really pretty girl just offered me some iced tea”

he was all like nonononononoooo don’t say that it’s fine don’t worry aha

you kept insisting but were late for work so you made him promise to come back to that bakery the day after bcs he WOULD be paid back no matter wHAT

he didn’t feel the need butyou were cute and he wasn’t with a thick schedule so why not right

so yeah ofc prince suho showed up

the next day he entered the place and saw you

you were so pretty watching you crinkling your nose over the hot coffee in your hands was already a payback

a cute one

cmon he’s cringey give him a chance

you bowed at each other and he realized you didn’t mention for Once between the whole minute after the accident and his arrival abt his name or profession as an idol

which for him

was nice

not a big deal, but nice

after you gave him his iced tea he was so polite you actually smiled bcs ajshskjsks cute ?

and then you started talking for a while

you introduced yourself, told him abt your dream to become a writer someday and he !!!!!

okay junmyeon easy on the hearbeats you got it

he just thought of this as such a COOL dream

writing for a living

now he was like this pretty girl... is a poet

i know

lame

but he’s adorable so who cares tbh

he talked to u abt being an idol and how was the position of the leader

you listened to every word and even though you lost a fee of them along with the honey like voice and puffy cheeks of his, you loved hearing abt it

after like 2 hours he had to go bcs schedule

but before you parted your way you had to go to the bathroom

when you went pay for your payback iced tea, you hear a waiter asking “mrs y/n? i believe that for you”

no shit there was the waiter holding a cappuccino

you got like Dude. there must’ve been a mist-

you turn the cup and there it is:

“for y/n

i loved the iced tea but since my goodbyes were a little earlier i most definitely own you a payback too. how abt sushi? xx” and the waiter hands you a note with his name and number

and that’s how you started seeing each other

jun is a quiet person so he won’t be like vocal abt developing a crush on you more and more

it would b like

you guys would hang out sometimes

and little by little he would catch himself getting the heart eyes

like you’re at a coffe shop

you would get passionate talking about some movie or song and suddenly there’s a drop of coffee on the side of your lip. you didn’t notice but he did but he thought you looked so cute popping off about ur favorite music he would just sit there like,,, 💖nvm💖

and with those little stuff he would catch himself thinking yup they’re gonna b mine

so one day he went like soooo maybe i’m catching feelings i didn’t know this was happening sorry??? so i think u should know that bcs it’s abt u... i’m fancied by u i didn’t mean it to happen

like straight up he APOLOGIZED

FOR LIKING U

you were like goshkjsjksj so cute

and decided to play w him a little

“so you don’t want to like me” “NONONOOO THATS NOT WHAT I MEA-” “jk i got it i really like you too and maybe we could kiss to see what happens”

he combusted

so yeah you’re dating that’s what happened

so caring literally sO CARING

calls you on a daily basis when he’s away to talk abt the weather the boys his breakfast how much he misses you how he saw those flowers outside and it reminded of you or how he will bring you to that country when it’s vacations

he’s such a husband material fuck me

keeps notes of things you like so he can hit the high score on important dates

talking abt dates

fancy

i mean he’s bourgeoisie ofc it’s fancy

such a lovely boyfriend i’m actually sad

jun is restaurants with low lights, candles, roses and holding your hand while talking about how he never seemed to figure out the food app to find a cool place to go to so he just asked chanyeol with a pout on his lips

“you’re such an old man” “i’m simple it’s different”

on your 1 year anniversary he took you to a boat ride on a lake witha guy playing violin and wine and cheese waiting for you

simple my ass

keeps bringing coffee and flowers for you every friday night you get together bcs it’s your “tiny vacations” as he calls it

on weekends with you the only ppl he answers is either manager or a serious question from the boys/his family

and it’s always a short “yes” or “no” or “👍🏻”

fuck it he’s with his baby leave him alone

loves cooking with you

like fuck it if it’s not that tasty he just LUUUVES doing it with you

probably because he gets to hug you a lot

like you’re in the stove and he had already placed everything in its own place so he goes behind your figure, hugs your waist and places his lips on your shoulder to give you tiny pecks and praise your cooking

“junmy this is practically burnt” “you’re the best cooker i know”

once you guys were enjoying a whole ass week together and the last time you were together for more than a day were like 6 months before

you were so all over each other he went to do the same thing and you guys ended up making out in front of a precooked pan of french fries

long story short, your toasted it and only saw that coming bcs jun went to embrace your waist and his fingers touched the hot pan

“that happened bcs of you and your teenager behavior” “YOU COULD’VE MOVED” “I WAS TRAPPED”

so guess what you did after you applied some salve om his fingers

he was staring @ u all 💖💖💖💖💖

you were like ,,,what

he just shrugged and murmured “you’re beautiful”

that’s right

you fucked

not fucked in a Fucked way

yall made love

kim junmyeon is all about luv

i remember someone posting here that he probably fucked like white people and i-

that person ruined it for me

i hate yall

i will defend him till the end of time my boi DOES NOT fuck like a white person

takes it very seriously as he sees it as an opportunity to shower u with the love u deserve

on that day you actually convinced him you should do the hard work

HELL YEAH YOU RODE THAT BITCH

jun seems like soft dom for me like just bcs he’s in charge for most of the time doesn’t mean youon get to do a thing

that time as you rode him you got very like Very excited but you saw in his eyes how desperate he was to touch you entirely so you catch his hand and kiss his fingertips slowly

he kept smiling for you saying “god you are so beautiful” “i love you so much”

but you’re a little shit and always tries and bring his rough side out

so you open your mouth and lick his two burnt finger from the knuckles to the tips

he got so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not really a vocal guy

heavy sighs and low groans are it for junmyeon

very into dirty talk

but a fancy one

“does my baby likes it when i make her beg?” “look at me, love. do you want it from where i can kiss your back or your breasts?” “you’re mine to take and no one else”

we don’t support women treated as objects but this is a sexual environment and you’ve always consented him to say things like that in bed

he’s a gentlemen fuck it

once you were so horny you straight up said “i don’t give a fuck about formality just make me cum at least three times”

he got 😳 for a sec but got your point

not a rough lover but once you get in a fight

bitch

you’re both pretty mature ppl so every rare time you fight it’s very Very serious

will kiss you until your both breathless just so you can not even catch your breath bcs he will be kissing your neck and liking your skin

slaps your butt?

absolutely

a fucking lot

“funny how you turn shut the fuck up as soon as i lay my hands on you”

makes you strip for him

has a thing for watching where your bodies connect

call him baby and he’s got a 3 secs tops soft jun

like a little grin with puffy cheeks

and he’s back with the restless pounding

bathtub aftercare is a must

massages your feet as you talk sweet nothings for him

if you’re feeling feisty might get a romantic round two

loves doing it slowly so he can drag it to the point you get so hot and bothered you beg

“oh god- just please- jun, faster”

likes it when you rub his back after

get a shot of soft myeonie post-sex

lays in his stomach and quietly asks “can you”

you lay there also on your stomach and rubbing his back drawing circles and talking about life

once he got so full of idk emotion?? love?? idk never been there

he just poured a whole “marry me”

like dude.

“WHAT” “not today, like... in a few years maybe idk forget it”

he closed his eyes to dismiss your reaction and just felt a warm peck on his naked shoulder

“of course i’ll marry you a few years”

his eyes shot open like This woman. the loml. dead ass said yes to my hypothetical proposal”

he actually got emotional

“kajsksjsksjsk really?????????v

“yes really”

and there was a teardrop

you felt like dying

i mean I feel like dying rn

doesn’t say it but thinks abt having kids someday

and u know that bcs honestly it’s suho everybody just Knows that

his parents? ofc they know you

exo? absolutely sure they know you

“one day we’re gonna have a dinner on like christmas with my family and yours” “baby they don’t even live in korea” “i don’t care we’ll pay” “STOP”

really treasures your relationship like i’m not here to play games i’m past mid-20’s this is Serious

and because he’s so worried and serious he nevers seems to let loose

which is probably normal since he’s a leader

but it makes him so !! all the time u get worried

once he actually CRIED out of stress

and you ofc were there

you kept hugging him tightly and slowly rocking his body with yours kissing his tears away as he kept softly saying “i’m fine, don’t worry”

you didn’t stop worrying

you said “if you’re fine then i can stay here hugging my boyfriend”

he nodded and kept sobbing for a little while

his head was pounding so you literally laid him down and cuddled him in your arms, fingers between his locks and hot breath on his neck

he once said the sound of your breath calmed him

so that’s what you did

you calmed him

and that’s everything he ever wanted

someone to be there for him on tough times like he’s always there for everyone

he loves the fact you’re always so calm and ready to solve any problem that appears

he loves the calmness and ““““normal”””” atmosphere you bring to him

after all those years of hardship and responsability

you showed him he could be a leader and have more fun on a daily basis

he deadass thinks abt your marriage

like it’s barely 6am, he wakes up and sees you sleeping next to him, hair everywhere on the pillow and mouth open

his heart goes 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

his arms goes to your sleeping body

& his mind “i’m gonna marry this girl someday”

idk i feel like i could write a whole ass fanfiction of 50 chapters on suho and id still have 100 scenarios of him in mind

i honestly love him sm

such a nice boy

he deserves so much more

give lota of love to him he’s perfect

that’s it i’m done

[mwagneto]

1, 30 & 36

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

oh god you're braver than any us marine ok so instead of what everyone expects I'll do a detour and start with the honourable mention that is rdj sherlock, i was super depressed (and I mean like. incredibly so) after sherlock s4 because it just sucked so bad, like i was deadass in ruins and i was trying to find ANYTHING to take my mind off it and by the end of February I watched and read pretty much all Sherlock media there is except for rdj because for some reason I thought it was bad?? but then I noticed the first movie was downloaded on my laptop so I went ok fuck it and watched it on the 26th of February and HOLY SHIT I fell in love with RDJude's dynamic literally immediately their chemistry was so fucking good and the plot and the script and the setting and the music and- point is I fucking loved it so I watched the second movie on the same day and Mother of FUCK it was somehow even better and gayer and sweet Jesus I've been obsessed with them since

NOW onto the real deal, light of my life and my reason for living....Rocketman

Jesus Christ I don't think I've ever been this hyped for a movie in my life

I saw the first trailer on November 11th but I wasn't into it at all mainly because I saw it in theaters and they played the censored version and made it look like some het movie about an imaginary person

But then I saw it trending when the second trailer came out and I scrolled through the trending tag and watched the trailer and boy I was HOOKED

And holy fuck the wait was Agonising especially since the fandom on here consisted of like. Me and 3 or 4 other people and then some ppl who didn't post but reblogged stuff - point is the fandom just. Didn't Exist

By the time carpool came out there were a bit more but still basically nothing, hell in my desperation I even looked at stan tw*tter a few times but I regretted it each time and thankfully I don't remember anything specific

But anywayS so the movie is supposed to come out on the 31st of May but for some reason they release it on the 18th in the UK and then turns out it won't come out until the 5th of June here???

I was so fucking mad my friend and I literally almost went to Wien to watch it

Worst of all, the big cinema chain that's in my city didn't even put the tickets out

And when they did they only put them out for Thursday and only the dubbed version

Which, ew, but I was like I don't care I'll take what I can get

But THEN I went into the city one Saturday and I was just riding the tram listening to the soundtrack when in passing I saw a theater that had a big ass Rocketman sign on the front

It was literally like a 0.1 second glimpse because the tram was going fast but I immediately went rabid and found it online and turns out not only were they showing Rocketman on the 5th of June, they also have the original English version

So I booked two tickets immediately and waited because I still wasn't sure the usual cinema wouldn't put their tickets out

So I stayed up every night until midnight to see if there were tickets but No

Finally they put them out on Tuesday midnight so a day before it's supposed to be released but only for Thursday so I was like ok fuck you I'm going to the other one

Oh yeah by this point I've been logged off Tumblr for weeks because i didn't want spoilers so I didn't have Any Rocketman content at all, I didn't even dare to look at YouTube videos or anything because I was scared the recommended section would spoil me

So yeah I was absolutely content deprived

Fucking FINALLY the 5th of June rolls around and we get to the theater and wait for it to start and jesus fukingn

I'm gonna be honest I literally don't even remember much because I was so high on "oh my fucking god I'm finally watching it" but holy SHIT IT WAS JUST. SO GOOD.

I do remember a few things

I know I screamed out loud when Richard first appeared during crocodile rock (even tho I knew he was gonna be there at some point but it was still so sudden I fuckin lost it)

Also I held my friend's hands during tiny dancer like my life depended on it skdnd

And I've told this story a million times but tmttp shocked the soul out of me coz I knew what it meant scene wise and I didn't think they'd play it so fuckign early skmfsk I had like a full body convulsion and drew my hands back and my calf muscle cramped so hard it hurt for a whole week afterwards

anyway I didn't cry

somehow

I thought I'd be sobbing like mad but I didn't and I still haven't

Idk for some reason I just can't cry over this even tho I SHOULD and I want to

my friend did sjsnfjd

we were fucking. spent dude I don't think I stopped smiling until I fell asleep

Anyway after she somewhat finished crying and we exchanged a few words we somehow got up from our seats and left

She had to print a few things so we walked to a photocopier and talked about the movie but it wasn't anything more coherent than just verbal keysmashes

Literally it was so smfjsjjdsjdn i felt high

I was so fucking HAPPY bro it was so fucking good and everything I expected and way more like we were over the fucking moon

I brought food coz I like to eat during movies but I didn't even dare to look away from the screen during this one

While she got her printing sorted I logged back into Tumblr and checked the tags (they were still disappointingly empty😔)

We then went to a park near the tram and ate the food I brought and talked abt the movie till it got dark at which point we headed for the train and talked there some more before she had to get off at her stop

I spent the rest of the ride smiling like an idiot listening to the soundtrack and texting her & other people

I went for a bit of a walk on the mountain I live on to clear my head but I was literally so happy and giddy I couldn't stop smiling hhh I'm losing it just thinking about all the stuff I felt

By that point I was super low and empty coz of school stuff and irl stuff so to feel so many emotions after months of feeling absolutely nothing was a LOT

Anyway I got home by...idk, late, and blasted the soundtrack on full volume for a while before booking her and myself tickets for Thursday so we could watch it again

And we did

And it was just as amazing as the first time

And then on impulse I watched it again on Friday

And then I went to watch it again on Saturday and as soon as it ended I ran to a nearby theater and watched it again immediately

Then again on Wednesday

After watching it on the 5th I lost my appetite both for food and for water, and also my need for sleep, so until I gained it back after watching it next Wednesday I basically didn't eat, drink or sleep for an entire week but it didn't take a toll on me, somehow

The Rocketman power

Anyway we watched it again on Saturday and Sunday (the girl I mentioned came with me both times then and on Saturday so did another girl)

And then I had exams, a class trip and a family vacation so I couldn't watch it for an agonizing two weeks

but then finally watched it again on the 3rd of July with another friend (a 3rd one)

And then on the 6th of July with the original girl

And then on the 7th and the 9th at home alone and them on the 12th with yet another friend (4th one)

Then I went to watch it in theaters alone again on the 18th

And then one more time with the first girl on the 24th

Then on the 3rd of August alone

And then the first girl came over on the 9th of August and we watched the deleted scenes and the extras and then the extended movie

Then I was once again busy so I couldn't watch it until the 25th

And I took my laptop to the hotel I'm staying at for two weeks rn so I watched it here on the 30th

And now here we are

Jesus fucking Christ I'm so sorry for making you read all this

This took me like an hour to type

Anyway! Peace and thanks for asking skdmsmcmsmmd

30: Talk about what turns you off.

I don't have any turnons or turnoffs tbh skdndn I'm. not about that sorta stuff

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

sometimes I hateread awful old fanfics on Wattpad because they make me wanna die but like in a good way