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abel-oc · 2 years

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OK I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT ABEL so im filling in these OC question posts from forever ago. This one from user @/ jovishark (some deleted if non applicable) under cut bcuz there is like 50 !!

1. Are they happy with their body?

YEAH he knows hes hot. he would probably want slightly more muscle but def wouldn’t actually do any work to get it. only exercise is walking and fucking

2. Do they have any secret piercings or tattoos?

his piercings aren’t a secret (ears tounge nips and cock ( frenulum ill draw it eventually)

3. Do they collect anything?

designer shit.. he doesn’t have a lot of space to put things otherwise so mainly clothes and makeup etc. prob a few fancy bags.Not quite like those birkin people on instagram though they are scary !

4. What is their favorite music genre?

THIS IS SO HARD prob like jazzy pop ish music?? hes an Italian in the 90s-2000s.. so he would have heard eurodisco.. much to think about. Probably music you can sleazy dance to

5. What music genre, if any, do they hate the most?

i think ambient music would make him bored!!

6. What is their phone background/lock screen?

he has like a flip phone. I am making the setting before smartphones because he would be too scary equipped with tinder. so prob a defaulty one or like the kind of all over logo prints on fancy bags

7. What is their shoe size?

well his cock is pretty big i think. thats what we’re really asking isnt it

8. Do they have a favorite fabric or texture?

leather and silk!

9. Do they have a favorite professional sport?

i think he hates sports. all of them

10. How do they decorate their living space?

I think he has a really small room so its probably on the minimal / classy spectrum. It’d be mostly clean with nice furniture but I think a lot of his really bougie stuff isn’t on display all the time since I think ppl from the church might go in sometimes

11. Are they messy, or do they clean up?

room is clean but i think in other peoples spaces he would be MESSY.. just inconsiderate. bitchass

12. What’s their preferred sleeping position?

he would never admit it but little spoon ⭐

13. Did they have a favorite comfort item as a child?

when he was young I dont think he owned much stuff because he was being a nun more properly. maybe some books ?? idk !!!

14. Do they have a favorite period in history?

He’d like baroque art i think but i dont think he would care as much culturally ! not a history person

15. Can they cook? What’s their favorite thing to make?

he can prob manage absolute basics but thinks cooking is for losers. He buys all his food! hes a regular at probably like every cafe and restaurant ever

16. What food do they hate eating?

hes probably bad with spicy food!

18. What was their worst injury?

He probably did too many blood sacrifices on his palms and couldnt pick stuff up for a few days. Has probably happened more than once

21. Can they dance? Do they like to?

HE DEF CAN probably good at like formal party kinda waltzy things. but he can probably do a real good club type sleazy dance and lapdancing. Probably some non advanced pole he probably joins some of Holly’s pole classes which I just decided she goes to

24. What kind of cake or birthday treat would they prefer?

big fancy cake! the kind that has a few macarons on top

25. What is their favorite animal?

probably cats!

26. Do they wear perfume/cologne? What is their favorite scent?

wears a LOT i went and tested YSL Y EDP for him and he wears that its perfect. Besides not being out in the correct time period but lets forget that. I like the apple / ginger / pepper on him

27. What smell do they hate the most?

any dirt / filth + cheapass perfume 28. What sound do they hate the most?

probably crying kids / babies.. he would ask them to shut up 😭

29. What video game would appeal to them the best?

HEs not a GAMER... if the DS was out when i think this is set maybe some of the really normie ones like 100 classic books or some animal crossing (holly would play that and make him)

30. How would they relax on a day off/rainy day?

wake up late, go eat breakfast / lunch at cafe, go shopping for a while, go home and watch some TV, find someone with enough money to take him out to dinner then bang him if he feels like working, then go sneak into the church and summon something to attempt to fuck, then go to sleep alone

31. Are they combative? What is their fighting style?

would avoid fighting directly but is violent lol, if he needed to he would be all kicks and mindgames, the full gaslight gatekeep flirt with people to make them drop guard

32. Would they be the one to start an argument?

starts but ALSO has to finish. Thinks he’s always right about everything.

33. What is their personal style? Favorite outfit?

kind of gothic high fashion, mainly black! Shoes always louis’ with the red on the bottom. will NOT wear cheap or even midprice clothes. Does wear nun clothes sometimes mainly for fun / debauchery

34. Do they have a dream job?

God

35. What do they do if they can’t fall asleep?

wank or just stay up plagued by the Thoughts

36. Do they wear makeup regularly? If they don’t, would they consider wearing any?

ALWAYS he wears Dior eyeshadow + nars deepthroat and some kind of pencil eyeliner. doesn’t need mascara his eyelashes just like that. Also probably has to conceal bad eyebags. Bad habit of sleeping in makeup even though he detests it for himself

37. Do they prefer to be really cold or really warm?

cold! hates being sweaty

39. Can they drive? What vehicles are they licensed to operate?

can drive im still picking vehicle maybe a benz or rols royce. but he would have to keep it in Holly’s garage because he doesn’t have one. He probably mainly just walks around though hes a local guy

40. Do they believe in true love? Have they experienced it?

NO he thinks he is too good for love and doesn't think hes been in love. doesn’t realise he wants it

41. Are they married? Do they want to be?

NO very single. probably wants to get married but from an aesthetic / party / being the center of attention perspective

42. If they have siblings, do they like any of them? Would they rather be an only child?

has none! but doesn’t want any either i think

43. What do they think is their worst quality? What is their actual worst quality?

He isn’t actually very self aware so he probably thinks hes perfect. This may be his worst quality

44. Do they lie often? Are they good at it?

CONSTANTLY to an art

45. Are they good at keeping secrets?

NO he will tell anyone anything especially if its incriminating or dramatic

46. How do others see them? How accurate is it to how they really are?

people would have a good first impression since he acts classy and suave and sexy but when you talk to him for more than an evening or two its REALLY clear hes awful to talk to

48. What are they most afraid of?

he thinks nothing but probably getting close to someone 💖

49. Would they ever kill anybody?

without much of a thought ! he just hasn’t needed to so far.

THESE R FUN. I MIGHT DO MORE

#question posts

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fredbear-fam · 5 years

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I’ve been considering kinda just dropping this blog. I’ve lost some of my interest in dsaf and wanna draw more for other fandoms. I’ll probably still draw dsaf art but if I do end up dropping this blog, I’ll post it on @skellyofmyskillz

I’m not gonna delete this blog bc there’s a lot of art on here I like but just wanna give y’all a warning.

#mod skelli #update #if i decide otherwise then ill probably just delete this post

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octoagentmiles · 3 years

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about me!! yeah :)

name: Miles!

pronouns: they/them. I prefer gender neutral or masculine language. (mx./mr., sir, etc.)

funky brain go- *incomprehensible jargon and mechanical screeching*: a lot of this fandom is neurodivergent, so I want to share that I am autistic, have ADHD, dyscalculia, and anxiety. Many of these things affect the timeliness, or other aspects, of my posts or responses.

I don't want to share my age publicly, but I want to state that folks of all ages are welcome here! Please note though, that some of my content may involve slightly more mature themes, such as swearing (not from me directly, but from reblogs, memes, audios used over videos, etc.), and sometimes angsty topics discussing headcanons and theories related to mental illness or trauma. I will never post anything ns\ft. I will always add CWs and TWs to my posts; if I miss one, please don't be afraid to let me know, or request anything specific!

favourite character: Barnacles 🛞💙

(VERY honourable mentions: Tweak 🔧💚, Natquik/Tracker ❄️🤍, and Kwazii/CJ/Pete 🏴‍☠️🧡)

posts I make: character/episode analyses, random observations/thoughts, funnies/jokes/memes, headcanons/theories, videos/edits, etc.

favourite GBR song(s): Pirate Pie and Briney Blue. Kwazii go prr <3

favourite special: Great Arctic Adventure

favourite season: all of them 4th and 5th

go listen to my Octonauts playlist >:)

"I sent an ask and it's been a while lmao": I struggle with executive dysfunction really badly, but I will get to you eventually. I pinky-promise. /gen

"Where's your askbox?"

ask/dni rules under cut:

(the block button is my dearest sweetest bestest friend <3 so read carefully lmao)

(There are "\"s through some words, so that this post isn't filtered for people who have them blocked.)

Please DON'T ask me shipping questions. This includes my opinions on certain ships, what I ship or don’t, prompts or requests implying certain ships, etc. I know that shipping is fun for a lot of people, but publicly talking about it triggers my anxiety, so I’d rather not. Thank you for understanding.

Side note: Please DON'T TAG ANY of my posts as #ship, unless explicitly stated otherwise with a "#tag however you wish" or "#interpret how you wish". It's rare that I use these tags, but if I do, it's fair game. If you leave comments on my posts or in my inbox about shipping, I will not respond to them, and I'll probably remove them.

Side note²: I don't like pros\hippers. Go away. If I see ANY pros\hip content or support of such content on your blog AT ALL you will instantly be sentenced to life of a block without trial. No excuses, no second chances. ❌

Keep it family friendly. Meaning: No swearing or usage of slurs (even if you don’t know it’s a slur, or if you personally can/have reclaimed it, I will delete your ask/reply, and block you. the word “queer” is fine.), no references to or specific asks about dr*g use or alc*hol, no lemony or sugg\estive material, no graphic viole\nce, go\re, or inju\ry. This applies to comments on my posts, as well.

No queer\phobia (this includes gatekeeping), no rac\ism or xeno\phobia, no able\ism. (or any other kind of -isms, if they ever come up). Don't ever send me hate speech, dis\course, or bullying, regarding myself or others. It's pointless, will be deleted on sight, and I may block you. Go eat a snickers and think about your life choices.

If you really want to ask something that might imply one of the above, please put CWs and TWs* at the beginning of your ask; and be very clear that what you're sending in is a genuine question*, headcanon, or whatever else it may be. (*If it's a question, I may respond privately.)

Also remember that I can decide to just,, not answer something, even if it follows the rules. Usually I’ll do this if I’m not sure how to answer an ask, like, if I’m not knowledgeable enough on the subject, or it references a non-octonauts piece of media that I’m not a fan of, or it features a weird specific trigger/squick of mine that you would have no way of knowing about. Either way, if you’re sitting in your room staring at the wall and you randomly think to yourself, “Hey... my ask never got answered.......” that could be why.

I welcome angst concepts with open arms! But again, please use CW/TWs, and refer to the previous rule’s “no graphic viole\nce” note. If you’ve been here a while, you’ll know I love some good emotional angst~ (high school english teacher voice: "in writing, that's called ✨catharsis!✨")

...UNLESS it’s just a case of Funky Brain Syndrome (executive dysfunction, or good ol' anxiety). In that case, I promise it's not personal, and I am sincerely sorry for the delay—please continue being patient 🙏, and take this lollipop for your troubles: 🍭

———

*Quick glossary:

a CW warns for content that someone may not want to see or hear, for any reason. (examples: viole\nce, ns\ft, certain people or topics, phobias, squicks or triggers: see final note.)

a TW warns for content that may be triggering for someone to see or hear. (examples: flash\ing, eye\strain, unr\eality, vents, tics, certain topics, words and/or phrases, or phobias.)

a squick is something that may make someone highly uncomfortable to see, hear, or read about; it's different from a trigger in the sense that they're usually more mild, and less likely to cause real damage or harm, but you'd still prefer to avoid them nonetheless. (examples: they can be anything, but are often things like certain tropes, topics, ships, or milder phobias, secondhand embarrassment, etc.)

The two words CW + TW can, and very often do, go hand-in-hand; but the difference can matter sometimes—so can the difference between a squick and a trigger.

#*drumroll* an introduction!! i will update this once in a while‚ just so it's always current.#pls read my rules. i beg.

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emenerd · 2 years

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I just want to say that I will not reblog posts that guilt people. If I see a good post with a reblog adding guilting, I will reblog without the addition, if I see a good post that adds guilting as part of it, I will not reblog it no matter how much I agree with it otherwise.

If I do reblog a post with guilting because I skimmed over it or just didn't notice, please let me know and I will delete it.

While I understand why people add guilting to their posts (things like, "if you don't reblog, unfollow" or "all [insert demographic group] need to reblog this"), it is in my opinion performative activism that can do real harm without much chance of doing more than raising awareness. Guilt and shame have a purpose, but how we wield them online can be a plague. It can interact quite badly with a number of mental illnesses (like anxiety for example). Guilt is useful if someone has done harm, has hurt someone, as it can inspire someone to try and do better, guilt used as a battering ram to get people to reblog something does not actually help anyone except to raise awareness. Social media is not most people's entire lives.

There are times where I decide not to engage with anything negative on tumblr because of stuff I'm dealing with in real life, and that's pretty fucking normal. That's not all the time for me, usually, it comes if we're working with more intense material at my grad school and I'm also busy. This semester, I'm in a class that is doing a semester long project to help put together an exhibit on local history of environmental racism and climate injustice. While it is early semester, there are going to be weeks where that project is intense, and if it coincides with the research article I'm writing for a seminar on disability in early 20th century textile mills, I may be using tumblr as a place for de-stressing. I'm applying for a job as a campus political organizer, to help people get out and vote and to promote climate protections in my state with my campus and if I get that job, there will probably be more times when I don't want to deal with work when I'm relaxing.

all of this is fucking normal and I am sick of coming across these performative, post the right thing at the right time, bits of activism

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disasterfandoms · 3 years

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Rules for Requests

doing this so people on mobile can see it!

Things I write/ create

headcannons

fake social media

one shots

stories

preferences

imagines

Rules:

no requests concerning the physical act of r*pe or non-consensual sex in any form. I can MAYBE write stories on the aftermath, or the trauma associated, but it would be very biased due to personal experience and I’m still not always in the mental space to write that

no requests for self-harm. I can write about past experiences, but no “yada yada finds out y/n self-harms"

no sub!reader, no bondage, no BDSM.

no abuse of any kind.

No addiction, no interventions.

I can write very limitedly on mental illnesses. depends on the request. Definitely none of the reader not taking their meds.

no torture of the reader. I can probably do torture of a character, but reader is definitely off-limits.

Please don't ask me to turn an LGBT+ character into a cis/straight character.

I’ll try my best writing male x male!reader, trans!reader, etc. but I am personally neither male nor trans, so I may be out of my element.

EVERY PIECE OF WRITING IS GENDER-NEUTRAL UNLESS I FEEL I CAN’T WRITE IT WITHOUT BEING GENDER-SPECIFIC. ALL WRITINGS ARE SPECIFICALLY AMBIGUOUS TO PHYSICAL FEATURES UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE. THIS IS NOT UP TO DISCUSSION.

I will write pregnancy, smut, hurt/comfort, angst (though not the greatest at it), fluff, character x character, miscarriage, abortion, etc.

fandoms and people I write for are under the fandoms tag

PLEASE BE SPECIFIC IN YOUR REQUESTS

Please realize I’m a full-time college student, I work part-time, I will not have everything done at the speed of light

I will post your requests in my masterlist/upcoming page, and answer the ask so you know I have gotten it. I will write requests in the order in which I receive them.

Failure to follow the rules in the rules column will have me answering your ask with a link to this page, telling you to start reading, and to not request until you understand the rules above.

Asking me to hurry on a request will make me work slower, or to take it off the upcoming list and stop writing altogether. This includes generalized asks about a specific show and not just a specific request. It makes me feel like I’m failing, and I won’t do that to myself.

mutuals/my loves on the discord chats get their requests jumped to the top of the list because they listen to my bullshit on the daily

please be polite when requesting, just telling me your request doesn’t motivate me to do it at all :)

If I add it to the requests lists and then decide later I do not want to write it, I will delete it from both pages, without warning. I want to write what I want to write.

#nav.disaster

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lunawings · 4 years

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This is something I wrote a couple months ago one night when I couldn’t sleep.

I’m probably going to delete it, but something inside me thinks it’s important for me to get it out in the world before I open my ask box again and whatnot.

So I mentioned in a previous post something like “a chain of events from spring 2019″ made me realize that I needed to leave Japan. A significant part of that was actually... Aqours 5th Love Live.

Of course this had nothing to do with the girls or the concert itself. Seeing Aqours really was a dream come true and I wouldn’t give up that experience for anything. It had to do with... other people.

I’ve mentioned before that the men at Love Live events usually treat me like a ghost. This is not unusual or unexpected. Not only am I an outsider there because of my gender, but the grand majority of Japanese people often avoid foreigners when they can anyway. There’s that “oh lord what does she want I can’t speak English” look of fear and/or annoyance they get on their face even before I open my mouth. There’s the seats left open next to me on trains.

However, this was life. Generally speaking, strangers in Japan don’t really interact with each other in public anyway, and I was used to it.

But then there was Day 2 of Aqours 5th Love Live. Day 2 was the day I cheated myself into an amazing arena seat via the foreigner hotel plan that I technically wasn’t supposed to be eligible for. Thus, I was also seated in a row of other foreigners in what would otherwise be a sea of Japanese people.

The difference was... astounding.

People acknowledged each other when they sat down. They made friendly and welcoming small talk. Complete strangers who had never met before. What. What is this!? I was actually too scared to talk to anyone because I felt guilty about taking a space in the foreigner hotel plan and didn’t want my secret to get out. Instead, I just kinda sat there bewildered, soaking it all in.

After the concert, most of the row I was sitting in got on the hotel plan shuttle bus to go back to the hotels. I didn’t go for that option because it was expensive, and I figured it was unnecessary since I can take the train back to Tokyo by myself just fine. So instead I headed down to the train station like all the regular folk. But since the entire Saitama Arena was flooding the same train station at the same time, as you can imagine it was even worse than the worst of Tokyo rush hour. However, this was Day 2, so I knew the drill and I waited for a train to leave and then stood first in line to make sure I got a seat on the next train even though I would have to wait a bit longer. The train came and I zipped on it and sat down. Nobody sat next to me. More and more people got on, until the train was too squished for anyone to move. Still, nobody sat next to me. It was one of the most crowded trains I had ever been on in Japan, and nobody sat next to me.

None of the Japanese Love Liver boys could bring themselves to sit next to the gross Love Liver white girl.

And as I sat there awkwardly, I couldn’t help but think of the friendliness of the foreign fans. I wished I had talked to them. I really REALLY wish I had just talked to them. I thought about all the similar events I had been to in the past in which I had talked to no one and no one talked to me. I thought about how different my experience would have been if I had been going to events in America this whole time instead of Japan. I thought about how many years of socialization I’d lost and how deep the hole I had dug myself into had become.

Japan is both the best and worst country to live in if you have social anxiety. You really don’t have to talk to people in public almost ever. Strangers do not interact. Everyone has their own bubble around them. Even when you go to restaurants you can order by just buying a ticket from a machine or pointing to a picture on a menu. Heaven. Or so I thought. The longer I stayed, the more I let myself get used to it. A bit too used to it.

The day after the concert I decided to swing by Numazu on my long journey home. While I was sitting at a train station waiting for a transfer with a bunch of my Love Live gear on, a dude came up to me and asked me in English if I knew how to get to Numazu. He was one of the people from the foreigner hotel plan. Cool. But when he first called out to me, not only did I nearly jump out of my skin, I was actually pretty rude to him in my response.

But why did I act that way?

Why?

Maybe I could have even made a friend.

But I didn’t.

This was something I thought about for hours. And I realized something. The reason I acted the way that I did was because in Japan strange men never approach me in public. And when they do, it’s usually sexual harassment. So when this guy came up to me, my subconscious must have automatically labeled him a threat. It took me over a full minute after I had already raised all my shields and entered full bitch mode to realize he just wanted a friendly conversation and directions to Numazu. He had no ill intentions at all. In fact he was incredibly nice and I was a total jerk for no reason.

I didn’t use to be this way. I didn’t use to be this way at all. I had plenty of male friends in high school and college. What happened. What happened to me.

I didn’t like this cold, anxious, closed-off person that I had become. I wanted to learn to talk to people again. To be open and friendly. And I didn’t want to admit it yet, but I knew that probably the only way to make things better and to get myself out of this hole was to just leave Japan and start over.

And besides, I’d just seen Aqours, FROM THE FRONT OF THE ARENA which was such a HUGE dream come true. I’ve also been going to Tales of Festival for almost a decade. I’ve seen the King of Prism boys multiple times. And countless other things. The only other thing on my mind I really wanted to do was go to the Nebuta festival again, and to a few other things up north like Hakodate. And I did that over the summer. What’s left to do when you’ve already lived all your dreams? Rearrange your priorities, was the answer I came to.

Coming back to the states was really refreshing at first. It’s so bizarre to be out in public and have people actually start conversations and be friendly and expect me to know the language and treat me... normal. And I am getting better... kinda... or at least I was.

That was of course... before things started shutting down for coronavirus. Things have gone backwards and now I have basically been living more or less the same secluded life I had in Japan, except worse since I haven’t had a steady job. (And PriChan was just replaced with SIFAS.)

But what’s really awful is... I don’t particularly want it to end. Can’t they just keep streaming all events online forever? Can’t I just stay here playing SIFAS/LLSIF and not have to deal with the world?

How terrible of a person am I for feeling a little bit of joy when things I couldn’t go to anyway get cancelled...

I really don’t know what I want anymore. I just don’t want to deal.

#replies are off for non-mutuals sorry #please don't reblog

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cetologies · 4 years

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i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years.

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115.

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous.

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240.

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115.

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already.

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway.

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

#sorry i've been crying all day over the last thing #daelin speaks #body dysmorphia //#tw body dysmorphia #tw body image #body image //#eating disorder //#tw eating disorder #ocd //#tw ocd #tw depression #depression //#tw self harm mention #self harm mention //#tw anxiety #anxiety //#tw suicide #suicide //

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pepucz · 5 years

Text

Death Note personal thoughts

I saw a post about thoughts on “everyone goes to Mu” part of the manga by one of my favourite tumblr users - 13eyond13 and I originally replied to it, but I figured my thoughts were more about my personal feelings than adding something relevant to the original post, so I decided to post it totally separately here just for my own satisfaction. (also my English can suck hard, so if anyone decides to read this all, I’m sorry for any mistakes)

_______

I must admit I was rooting for Light and was truly a KIRA supporter at the beginning (till the moment he killed Lind L. Tailor), I also took the information from Ryuk about Mu as a fact for everyone just like Light did, but that's probably because I'm an atheist and I have lots of nihilistic thoughts, so Ryuk saying the “Mu” part would only prove my own views and beliefs - the nihilistic aspect of the whole story is also one of the reasons why Death Note remained one of my most favourite mangas of all my time and why I’m so happy to have my love for it fully restored and be actively back in the fandom...

So yeah I agreed with the original intention of Light with the Death Note, he was pretty careful with what kind of criminals he killed, he "wouldn't kill those who killed accidentally or without malice like car accident deaths for example" (chapter 47), but I didn't agree with his God complex, that was probably the first thing that didn't click right with me even though it does make a sense as Light wanted to set new rules for humanity by his own standarts, I just don’t like the idea of “God” or whatever, but the real endgame for me was the moment he killed Tailor, he didn't know if he was criminal, he killed him just because he challenged him. That was the point where I stopped rooting for him. I also saw killing Raye Penber and the rest of the FBI agents as even more unnecessary steps and also a pretty obvious way to cast suspicion against himself. But we wouldn't have a story if it wouldn’t happen 🙃 And I still loved his character even after this tbh :)

I must admit I don't value a human’s life as something more valuable than an animal's life (of course I do value my dearest's lives super lot, I would die for them anytime or rather I do continue living for them, but those lost humans' lives of people, whom I hadn't known personally, haven't heard their story or whom I simply didn’t like just don't spur any real pity for them in me, earth is overpopulated anyway, what truly upsets me in the worldwide spectrum is losing some extinct animal species - I even cry when I see the planet lost some animal species just because of the human greediness) and I'm sick of ppl making so much fuss over the loss of a human life than over animal's one especially if they don't know those humans personally. Death is part of the human life, sometimes it’s unfair how some lives end, but the World won’t stop spinning because of it and it’s not like humans are endangered species... it’s pretty much the other way around. I mentioned this bit of my feelings about general mankind because I was pretty irritated when the task force or someone in DN universe was upset with ppl dying even if they were/might be a piece of shit, just because it’s “human life!! Human!!”. Like - I loved Soichiro Yagami as a father figure and I really loved his love for Light, but I was totally done with him ruining L’s plans in Yotsuba’s arc XD Same for innocent Light in this arc, but at least he didn’t try to do anything that would ruin L’s plans just to stop the criminal’s deaths (Misa managed it in the end and everyone was satisfied thanks to that for the time being) XD

Back to the topic of using Death Note - I would plan to use it as Light did in the beginning, but target mainly animal abusers, it would also be super hard for me to find names and faces and 100% proof that they are the guilty ones. Also I would never think of myself as a God, that's totally stupid IMHO. I would be just a mass murderer like Light by human's standards. 'Murderer' is still a word invented by humans alone, so it wouldn't faze me as much as it fazed Light being called like that... Also maybe I would never use Death Note to the extent as Light did, because now even criminals have GDPR protection and their names and photos are often kept secret (which I find to be super unfair). Light would never commit a murder without a Death Note, and I’m the same (even though I can’t guarantee what I would do if I saw someone torturing animals/my loved ones in front of me.... I still think I would go berserk probably). Anyway even with knowing there is nothing after Death for sure, I would still try to make the world a better place by what I believe is right, I don’t care that it would seem evil to some ppl, I also don't give a shit there is no meaning for human's lives in the vast of the universe, I wouldn't care that this plan of making the World a better place would also mean nothing compared the whole Universe and its timeline... I would still try to do it, because it would satisfy me for the time of me being alive...

All humans have a choice to not hurt others, those who decide to do it especially when it concerns truly innocent human's lives or animal's ones (I truly hate humans, who abuse animals just for fashion, cosmetics, household products, money or for some sick sense of fun) just don't deserve their life in my mindset and I don't care how wrong it is in human society's view. I get especially angry when some criminal runs away from Borstal (because he is not put in prison as he is mentally ill and commited crime because of it) or from prison, of even worse when a criminal is released by the court for good behaviour or some shit and then that individual ends innocent life again.... in such cases I just get furious at the impotence of our laws because it means this individual can harm someone close to me too just as simply because “as a human” he still has all the human rights even after he violated someone else’s rights, that’s just super unfair. I also don't believe in real peace, human race is not capable of it imho. That's why we have to have laws... and here I’m getting back to Death Note - our laws serve the same purpose as Kira's law did in my opinion, only Kira was more successful because it was pretty definitive and striked even those who otherwise wouldn't give a shit about our weak laws. There are people who want to live peacefully and don't need any law for that, then there are some who live in peace just because of the fear of our laws' consequences and then we have those who don't give a shit about laws because it won't cost them their lives... + a small group who don't give a shit even it would cost them their life... (we don't have a death sentence in Czech Republic anymore as it was deemed too "inhuman", I must add that I must agree that there are crimes where it's almost impossible to convict the criminal as 100% guilty and it's better to just put them in the prison - as I already mentioned I would have a really hard time using the Death Note because I would be too afraid I might kill someone innocent). So Kira's idea about peace was no different than the current worlwide idea of peace with our laws.

Now to get somewhere else for a bit - I fell in love with L and Near and I was quite happy with the ending of Death Note and how Light was served and killed by Ryuk. I felt a bit of pity for his death, but it didn't traumatize me like L's (or Mello's) death tbh. I woudn’t really change a thing about L’s and Light’s deaths anyway...

When I look at the overal picture of Death Note, Light still managed to save more innocent lives than Near and L imho. During his time the crime dropped by 70% worldwide. 70% is truly a large number considering the worldwide measure. A lot of innocent humans didn't die because of rapists and murderers thanks to Light. But as DN is pretty nihilistic the world returned back to the old standards after Light's defeat and the crime percentage grew back as it was before Kira's reign. So defeating Kira served right only to people who's life’s purpose is fighting criminals - they need them to exist otherwise their job would be meaningless - and Kira almost took it from them. L's life purpose was solving crimes, but what would there be to solve if criminals were ceasing to exist? I see it as the main reason why he got involved in the Kira case at first even if he himself wouldn’t admit it. Kira was threatening his life's purpose. But of course that's just my impression. I still fell in love with L the most even if our views differed.

_________

Dunno if this whole rant makes sense or not but that’s just how I feel....

Death Note doesn't exist unfortunately and even if it would and I would get my hands on it, if it would be haunted by Ryuk, I would be definitely served by him pretty soon anyway, because he would probably get bored with me very soon 😂 I'm not a genius and I would be afraid of harming innocent beigns, so I would be extremely careful with using the Death Note.

Might try to bargain with apples but knowing Ryuk it wouldn't be enough to keep him from writing my name down sooner than my time is up 😂 I wouldn't even blame him 🙃 I'm simple and boring average woman, who is totally done with human race and most of the humans.

BTW I really love this little bit from the pilot chapter of Death Note:

"But that would probably mean you'd have to kill the majority of mankind." 👍

(might delete this whole post later because of my social anxiety or if I get too roasted for my opinions, because I'm a coward 😄 I do stand firmly behind my beliefs especially IRL but I also prefer to be invisible on public sites 😄)

#death note

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marcilled · 5 years

Photo

The Xylo ARG: a summary

Have you or someone you follow been getting cryptic asks like the one above? They always just say one of the two following things:

a303d61a3714b71b459a9e65921078 OR a303d61a-371-4b71-b45-9a9e65921078

Well, good work, you’ve managed to stumble into a new tumblr ARG which I’ve taken to calling the “Xylo ARG” or “Shiloh ARG”. I’ve already talked about this on my blog already, but I thought it might be a good idea to have a post summarizing what the hell is up with these asks and what the deal with this ARG is.

The main blog and focus of this ARG is here: @xylophonetic

If you haven’t already read my previous post about this, you should check that out. It includes some speculation and theories that I didn’t include in this post, most notably my theories about this string of characters being a UUID, as well as some observations that this hex number actually corresponds to 5 unique colors encoded in hexadecimal.

Since my previous post, there’s been some developments, but sadly I and the others I’ve been discussing this with over discord haven’t come up with any major leads, or if we have, they haven’t led anywhere yet.

That being said, I thought it might be useful to make a post summarizing some of what we already know about this. I’ve never done an ARG and don’t even really know much about them, but I was one of the people sent one of these asks so in a way I’m a small part of it now. I figured I’d make this post since I think I was the first person to really analyze what was going on here and notice that there’s an actual blog associated with these asks people have been getting. Obvs a lot of these discoveries weren’t made by me tho, I’ve not devoted much time to discovering things, there’s a few others involved in trying to figure this out too. (y’all, feel free to hop in the replies/reblogs if you want people to know you’re helping with this).

Anyways, let’s get onto the actual post. This might get lengthy, so it’ll be below the cut. Heads up- this post contains creepy imagery, depictions which might be described as “body horror”, as well as mentions of parental abuse. All posts referenced should have a link provided unless they were deleted before the creation of this post. Got it? Let’s dive in.

First off, let’s recap on how this all started, and how me and a few others came to realize that this was, indeed, an ARG we’re looking at. (Presumably, anyways- all of the happenings are too strange to just be the work of some crafty aesthetic blogger… probably.)

It all started with a couple of popular tumblr users getting asks like the one linked at the top of the post here. Just this cryptic hexadecimal string, sometimes with hyphens, sometimes without. It’s unclear how many people these anonymous asks were sent to, but if you look up the text you’ll find a couple other popular tumblr users that were sent the ask. It’s always anonymous, and I don’t know of anyone who’s received direct messages from the blog owner(s).

After pondering it a bit, I decided to look up the ask I got on tumblr, and noticed a blog which had this string of characters as its url. And that’s where things started getting interesting.

The blogs

The main blog relating to this ARG appears to be https://xylophonetic.tumblr.com/. Her URL has changed a couple times since we first discovered it, the url was originally a303d61a3714b71b459a9e65921078. From now on I’ll be referring to this blog/blog owner as “Shiloh”, as that is and has been the name stated on the blog. (Also- her pronouns are she/hers as mentioned here.)

There is also another blog relating to this story, which I hadn’t mentioned in the previous post (because at the time we did not know about it / it had not been created yet). This blog originally had the url a303d61a, but has since taken the previous URL that shiloh used: https://a303d61a3714b71b459a9e65921078.tumblr.com/

This new blog was originally titled “Safe?”, and doesn’t appear to have any name associated as far as anyone can tell, so from here on I’ll be referring to them as “safe”. It’s unclear if “safe” is a character that has been mentioned by Shiloh before, but it’s certain that they are associated with the ARG because they swapped urls with shiloh. At time of writing, the “Safe?” blog has had its title changed twice, first to a series of three emojis, then to an eye emoji. We will continue to call them “Safe” until there is a more appropriate name discovered/decided on.

There is also, technically, a third blog- this blog uses the URL previously used by Safe, and it appears that this blog may just be for keeping the url hoarded. However, there’s still some interesting things on this blog, and even some possible hints. The blog is https://a303d61a.tumblr.com/ and will go unnamed unless things begin to appear on that blog as well.

Okay, now that we know a bit about how this started, and what blogs to be on the lookout for, what is there to know? Well, if you take a look at Shiloh’s blog, you might not even realize what you’re looking at is a part of an ARG at first. From first glance, it honestly just looks like an average aesthetic blog. She reblogs lots of aesthetic type posts from various bloggers, a lot of which may not mean much in the long run, but some of the posts she reblogs do give a bit of insight on some of the different “characters” in this emerging story. However, she also sometimes posts very cryptic things- many original posts contain very strange and cryptic photos or text that’s been purposefully obfuscated or otherwise altered. The same string of text “a303d61a…” is present throughout the blog’s history. There’s also other posts from Shiloh that imply that she is (or, was) in danger, or that she was sick, that she’s afraid of certain other characters, etc.

So, these “characters”… who are they? There are quite a few distinct “characters” involved in this, some seemingly more relevant than others. I’ll give a brief overview of what we know about all of them, but first, I should say what is known about the central character here: Shiloh.

Shiloh

While we don’t know a lot about Shiloh herself, there are a few things we can say for sure. Shiloh likes to reblog things she likes or thinks are interesting, much like your run of the mill aesthetic blogger. However, she also posts her own strange, cryptic photos sometimes- often times with many filters and photo manipulation used to make them look strange or hard to decipher.

Shiloh seems prone to deleting posts often, for one reason or another- or posting things then rapidly deleting them. This has been noted to happen even late into the night without much rhyme or reason. The “Safe?” blog is sometimes used to archive some of these deleted posts, although not all of the important/noteworthy posts are actually saved in this way. Shiloh has even been shown to go back and frequently edit old posts, sometimes multiple times. Her (and the other blogs’) urls, titles, icons, blog colors and headers have been known to change at random.

She also seems to not have total control over her blog/account- she’s posted before about her url or icon changing out of her control, and seeming confused or upset by it. See here. She’s also posted before about how she’s “regaining control” and such.

As well, it seems that for a time, Shiloh fell ill with some unknown ailment. Or rather, unknown to her- “they won’t tell me”. It’s unknown who “they” is in this context, but Shiloh seemed sad that she could not see Nat any longer- and also that her mother was preventing her from going out due to this illness. Notably, after posting this, she posted “im not a monster im not”. Perhaps people, possibly her mother, were telling her her illness made her monstrous??

Yesterday evening (may 16), she posted that her fever is gone and she is doing better now. Perhaps she has recovered from her illness– although she still seems confused about what is happening.

Aside from those things, she has also posted a photo here, tagged as “#me”:

(original post)

There’s a lot of uncanny images like this on her blog, and I can’t include every one of them- but this is, supposedly, Shiloh. There’s also another post in her “#me” tag, but it is simply a reblog of some art. Not sure if it is important.

Safe?

I’ve covered most of what we currently know about Shiloh herself, but there are many other “characters” at play in this story. Most of these characters we only know about based upon things Shiloh has said about them, or posts she has tagged them in. “Safe?”, on the other hand, we only know about from their blog, and how they interact with Shiloh.

Safe is a bit of a mystery right now. It’s unclear if they(?) are even one of the characters mentioned by Shiloh or not, or if they are an outsider completely. Regardless of who they are, they seem hostile towards Shiloh.

Safe’s blog was not known until two days ago (may 15th) around ~4pm. When we discovered it, our initial thought was that the blog could be unrelated to the ARG itself, and it could potentially just be somebody who was following along and taking time out to archive the posts. Shiloh is known to delete posts sometimes after all, including ones that seem pretty important.

As time would tell though, it became clear that Safe is another actor in this story, although they seem to be even more mysterious than Shiloh.

Safe seems to reblog many of Shiloh’s original posts, sometimes adding tags or even editing the post in certain ways. We have reason to suspect that Safe is a malevolent force, as they have reblogged the photo of Shiloh and tagged the picture “#it”, in spite of her specifically requesting not to be called it. They’ve also reblogged posts from her that say “cold” and tagged it “freeze”, and a post saying “warm” with the tag “burn”, as if wishing harm on Shiloh.

Nonetheless, some of the most compelling clues we’ve gotten yet have come from the Safe blog. Particularly, it was the Safe blog which posted the following:

Sadly, the post was later deleted from both blogs, and there is no web archive of it, or fullsize versions of the right and left pictures. Here’s the fullsize of the center picture, though:

This post originally came from Shiloh’s blog, although I believe the images were not in the original post– Safe seems to have a habit of editing Shiloh’s posts and adding new things.

These pictures are tantalizing because of the caption: “room 371″. If you’ll notice, 371 is a subset of the string of text tying all of this together…

a303d61a-371-4b71-b45-9a9e65921078

The significance of this is currently unknown. However, there was some speculation that Shiloh may have been hospitalized due to her illness- these images do look somewhat like a hospital. However, this conflicts with what Shiloh herself has said- she is at home. So, what is room 371? We just don’t know, at the moment.

Another series of posts from Safe that just happened today only further the mysteries surrounding them. Today, they reblogged the post in which Shiloh said her fever was gone and edited the text to make it say “SHE MADE ME SICK”. It’s unclear who “she” is, in this context- but this seems important.

Also today, safe changed their blog title from “Safe?” to a series of three emojis- a safety pin, an old key, and a dagger. This is significant because of another thing I’ll bring up later. At time of posting, they’ve changed their blog title yet again to be just an eye emoji.

Beyond the posts about room 371, and other mysterious edits and reblogs of Shiloh’s content, not much is known for sure about Safe. There are some theories that Safe is actually Shiloh’s mother, or that they are a reflection of Shiloh’s inner thoughts and feelings about herself, but for the time being these are simply theories with not enough proof to back them up yet.

Other Characters (Nat, Melody, Zach, Brian)

Now, it is time to get into the other named characters in all of this. These other characters we only know about from things that Shiloh has said, or posts that she has reblogged and tagged in their name. For some characters, we only know of them at all due to her tags.

First, let’s start with “Nat”. Nat is one of Shiloh’s best friends, and clearly someone she cares about a lot. Shiloh was very sad when she could no longer see her after falling ill. A scroll through Shiloh’s Nat tag will show a variety of posts, although there seem to be some strong connections to love, tarot, and cats. Also, sometimes, space.

Something interesting to note is that in the tags of this post, Shiloh seemed to imply that Nat also has a blog, but “she changed urls”, and Shiloh doesn’t seem to know what her url is anymore, simply saying “weird”. While this is purely speculation, it’s possible that Nat’s blog could have been tampered with, in the same way that Shiloh’s was previously (possibly by the person who runs the Safe blog?)

After Nat, we have a minor character: Melody. It’s possible they could be more important, but right now, I can’t find any posts where Shiloh directly mentions melody- we only know of melody from various posts tagged with that name. Interestingly, one of the earliest posts on the blog (and an original post, too) depicts a pair of boots and is tagged as “#melody”. There’s a slight pattern of celestial bodies and plants, but nothing too significant to comment on here.

After Melody is another minor character: Zach. Here’s Shiloh’s #zach tag. A common theme here seems to be certain mammals (an opossum and a squirrel) and two pictures of pocket knives. Recently, Shiloh has posted that zach is a friend of hers. Other than that, not much is known of Zach.

That brings us to Brian- another interesting character. Here’s Shiloh’s #brian tag. There’s a few original posts here, with some cartoon characters dancing and hugging. There’s also the same pocket knives that zach was tagged in.

On the surface there might not seem to be a lot here about Brian, but in actuality I have reason to suspect that Brian may be Shiloh’s brother. I believe our first hint at this was this post:

It would make sense that her brother would be there at her home, albeit unexpectedly. Another post that re-affirms this hunch is this now deleted post:

the tag #brother was put alongside #brian here. Also, there is this post which also mentions there being a brother:

There may be other characters, as there are a lot of tags in use on the blog. However, these 4 are the most obvious ones, having names that are… just ordinary people names.

Mother and Father

Beyond the already named characters, there’s two more distinct characters mentioned on Shiloh’s blog- “Mother” as well as “Father”. There are very few posts about Father, but a great deal about Mother. I’ll just preface this right now by saying that Shiloh’s mother seems abusive and openly hostile/aggressive towards Shiloh. As for her father, not much is known of him, but he seems to be absent from Shiloh’s life, likely due to having divorced her mother at some point in the past.

If you take a quick scroll through her #mother tag, you can see that there is a strong association with birds. This seems like a very consistent thing- perhaps Shiloh’s mother is a bird. Or maybe she just connects her with birds for some reason. Either way, if there’s bird imagery, there’s a good chance that it relates to Shiloh’s mother (although there was one bird image tagged as #brian, too).

Some of the earliest posts on the blog make references to mother in this way, too:

Another motif in the photos tagged as #mother are glowing eyes:

As discussed before, Shiloh’s mother seems abusive. Here’s some posts showing Shiloh expressing fear of her mother:

As well as some recent posts from earlier today (may 17) which tell a lot about how Shiloh feels about her mother:

(source for the last one)

It has been stated that Mother doesn’t like any of Shiloh’s friends:

It’s also been shown that Shiloh’s mother tells her she can’t go out and can’t see nat anymore due to her illness. I also speculated earlier that her mother may have been the one to call her a “monster”.

Additionally, this cryptic original post is in the #mother tag:

full tags are #fear, #heart, #love, #mother, #love love.

There’s a lot of hidden text in this image, including the mysterious hex string, as well as phrases and words such as “fear of the heart of love”, “like anything”, etc. It is a bit hard to make out, and difficult to reverse all the filters done to make the text illegible to begin with.

Adding to the series of mysteries surrounding Mother, earlier today Shiloh posted a series of pictures that appear to depict a path to a river. When asked about them, Shiloh stated that “mom doesnt like the river”, and that “she thinks its dirty or something”. Curiously, she says that her mom is scared of fish.

There have also been some theories that Mother is the one running Safe’s blog, antagonizing Shiloh when she gets the chance. There’s credence given to this theory by taking into account this post, where Shiloh talks about having her blog changed without her control over it. In the post, you can see that her icon was changed to this image:

An edited version of the full photo remains on Safe’s blog. This is a photo that was created by a neural network (source), and contains many bird-like features, so we’ve taken to calling this picture “mother bird”. The fact that Shiloh’s icon was changed to this while the blog was not under her control seems to imply that her mother was the one messing with her blog. Considering how much urls swapped between Safe and Shiloh, it seems as though there’s a link between Mother and Safe, although, again, this is speculation.

There is also this post on Safe’s blog, which depicts feathers / knives side by side, along with a caption from Shiloh saying “she’s coming”:

The post is now deleted from Shiloh’s blog. Given the feathers/bird motif here, and referring to a hostile entity as “she”, it’s probably safe to assume that Shiloh was referring to Mother.

At the very least, we can say that both Mother and Safe are openly hostile/antagonistic towards Shiloh, if not the same person.

As for “father”, there’s only a few posts referring to a father, and only recently have there been any original posts. Shiloh seems to associate him with suited businessmen, and there are many posts implying that her parents had a very testy relationship. It seems as though they divorced, and now Shiloh’s father is no longer in her life. Aside from some possible resentment possibly stemming from him not being there any longer, it’s hard to say much about Father, other than that he’s not around any longer.

Other tags

There are many tags in use on Shiloh’s blog, many of them seemingly mundane, something you’d expect from any run of the mill aesthetic blog. Still, there are a few tags which incite some intrigue, or are worth speculating about.

One such tag is #home. Shiloh makes many references to “home”- never “my house” or “where i live” or any other word- only ever referring to it as simply “home”. The images in the tag are often very lush and green depictions of nature- they could just be pictures of landscapes, or sometimes they are pictures of humble cottages in the wilderness. Sometimes they can depict houses that are rotting and decaying. All these pictures seem to signify what “home” is to Shiloh, and I think that “home” is a specific location.

To back up this theory, there’s also the tag #camp. There’s not a lot in this tag, but it seems to evoke this feeling of some summer camp or something that Shiloh went to once perhaps. Maybe “camp” could come up again in later posts? I guess we’ll see.

There’s also the tag #you, which would seem to be the opposite of the #me tag. However, there’s just some songs and other various reblogs in this tag.

Misc. observations / speculation

The new(?) blog at the url https://a303d61a.tumblr.com/ may be otherwise empty, but the blog’s title and description are somewhat curious. As of time of writing, this is the entire contents of their blog:

My device doesn’t have a new enough version of unicode to support displaying some of these emojis, but the emojis in the title are:

safety pin 🧷 old key 🗝 dagger 🗡

The emojis included in the blog’s description are:

rainbow 🌈 tooth 🦷 scissors ✂️ wilted flower 🥀

Also worth noting, is that these three emojis were briefly displayed as the title of Safe’s blog earlier today.

I get the feeling that these emojis may be a pretty significant hint. Something that reinforces this suspicion in me is the fact that Safe made a post tagging Shiloh’s blog, similar to how this new blog made a post tagging Safe. However, the post Safe made includes a safety pin emoji, which is one of the three emojis included in this blog’s title.

This is purely speculation, so feel free not to believe me, or reinterpret it how you wish of course, but: Perhaps Shiloh’s blog is like a safety pin, holding the story as we know it together. But, what we really need to find is the key. The key will lead us further, until we find the dagger.

I also find the emojis used in the description curious, because Shiloh has posted pictures of scissors (actually, lawn clippers?) before. Additionally, Safe has made a post about teeth and eyes hurting before. Interestingly, this post was edited from the original– Shiloh’s post was about her mother seeming angry, but Safe changed it to say “teeth hurt eyes hurt”.

Another potential lead that @ skippsblipps discovered, was a pattern in this old post from Shiloh.

Aside from the obvious secret message mixed in amongst the text, there seems to be a pattern of when the “a303d…” string of text repeats, and when there is something other than the original “a303d…” string. In their words:

“if we count only where the code was exactly the original code, its 6 , 1 , 2 , 1 , 4 , 2 if we count where the code deviates, its 1 , 3 , 3 , 3 , 1″

There’s a chance that this post could be absolutely random nonsense, or that we were only meant to look for the words within the text, but perhaps there’s something more here.

Closing thoughts

I said it at the start, and I’ll say it again: I don’t know a damn thing about ARGs. And, hell, after spending hours compiling stuff for this post, I’m still pretty clueless about where this one might lead. My main hope with this post was to inform anyone who’s curious about this ARG about what we’ve discovered so far, as well as to fill people in who may have missed stuff.

Also, I’d like to apologize if this post jumps topics around a lot, or if it can be a bit hard to follow. Honestly I think that’s just a result of all of the different loose ends in this ARG being hard to follow themselves, although I tried my best. I had to keep updating this post as I typed it, because new posts kept coming in and new discoveries/speculation kept happening. So, sorry for any confusion.

Sadly, many posts on both blogs end up getting deleted, and never archived. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty to archive each and every single post and tag I linked to in this breakdown on the internet archive, which is also why this took hours to make this post because I had to ctrl+c and ctrl+v like a million times. If you notice any of the links I put in this post are broken, just paste the url into the wayback machine and you should at least pull up the archive that I took at the time of typing this post. I couldn’t archive every single thing on all these blogs, just the stuff that I thought was relevant.

If anyone else is inspired to hop in on this ARG because of this post, please feel free to add your thoughts/speculation in the replies, reblogs, whatever. Also please don’t expect me to answer all your asks & speculation, I did this post because it seems like nobody else is paying attention to this and I thought it was cool and deserved some time and attention. I fully expect people smarter than me to outpace me and discover all the secrets and that’s cool with me, I’m just along for the ride. I hope my post helped. Thanks for reading!

EDIT: I’ve made an update to this post here, go read it!

#xylo ARG #shiloh ARG #a303d61a3714b71b459a9e65921078 #a303d61a 371 4b71 b45 9a9e65921078

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inevitably-johnlocked · 6 years

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Can you find me stories about John taking on some cases while Sherlock supposedly died after the jump?

Hi Nonny!

Ahh, I can’t recall very many at all… It’s bothering me because I remember a couple fics I read a fic a LONG time ago before I bookmarked things:

One was from Sherlock’s POV after the fall, and somehow ends up being captured or involved with a renegade militant group of some sort led by a man called “TC”, who turns out to be John “Three Continents” and it’s driving me nuts because I’ve been searching for it for a couple years, LOL, but THAT’S the main one I can think of.

The second one I did bookmark but I can’t find it: Sherlock is hunting down Moriarty’s network, and every time he shows up to the next target, they’re already dead. The end reveals that it was John as a sniper, working for Mycroft. I feel like it may have been removed from Ao3 since a lot of my bookmarks lately are “story deleted” lately, LOL.

So I hope some of my lovelies will be able to help ME find a fic or two I’m looking for! Other than that, I think these fics have some sort of caseish/military things in it:

JOHN DURING THE HIATUS Pt. 2 (Cases and BAMF)

See also:

John During the Hiatus Pt. 1

Reunion Fics and Other Post TRF Fics

Not The First by StillWaters1 (K+, 2,503 w. || Angst, Friendship, Post-Reunion) – Discovering that John had spent twelve months volunteering at a MSF trauma hospital in Afghanistan was surprising. But not as surprising as the discussion that followed. A post-Reichenbach conversation and character study.

Excerpts from Purgatory by reapersun, what_alchemy (E, 5,829 w. || Post-TRF, Doctor John, Reunion Fic, Rough Sex, Angry Sex, Bottomlock, Fic with Pics) – John serves community service in homeless shelters for chinning the superintendent. Unbeknownst to him, the Homeless Network has his back.

Not Without You by thisisforyou (T, 6,313 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Adventure, Mycroft is a Good Brother, Pining Sherlock, Suicide Mention, Sherlock First Person POV, Post-TRF / Reunion Fic) – “I can’t, Mycroft, I can’t do this without John.” Mycroft comes up with an alternative solution to the three years of two broken hearts that would have otherwise happened.

The Death of Doubt by Gingerhermit (E, 6,584 w. || Alternate Canon, BAMF John, POV Sherlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Drama, Meddling Mycroft) – Mycroft asks for John’s help in rescuing Sherlock from his Serbian captors.

Every Night I Look for You by destinationtoast (E, 8,377 w. || POV John, Post-TRF, Angst, Mystery, Unsafe Sex, BAMF John) – Every night, John looks for familiar hints of Sherlock in the men he meets in bars, and he does with them all the things he wishes he’d done before. Eventually, he stumbles into a situation that Sherlock would know how to handle, and John must decide whether he can handle it without him.

I Will Take Care Of You by SailorChibi (T, 16,664 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Sick Sherlock, BAMF John, BAMF Lestrade, Reunion Fic) – Two years after Sherlock’s death, John comes to find him on the sofa. Wounded and ill, Sherlock is convinced he’s hallucinating and refuses to share any details about Moran or the fact that Mycroft has been compromised. That doesn’t stop John from stepping up and taking care of the last of Moriarty’s web, BAMF-style.

Dear John by wendymarlowe (E, 23,031 w. || Post-TRF, Online Dating, Pining, Epistolary, Cybersex, Long Distance Romance) – With Sherlock dead, John eventually (under duress) makes a profile on an online dating site. And falls into a long-distance relationship with an enigmatic partner who reminds him of Sherlock in all the right ways. (Hint: it turns out to be Sherlock.) Part 1 of Dear John

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn’t have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again. (CURRENTLY READING, BUT I AM ENJOYING IT AND PROBABLY WILL BE BOOKMARKING IT)

The Quiet Man by ivyblossom (E, 157,369 w. || Post-TRF, John First POV, Grief/Mourning, Angst, Present Tense, Imaginary Sherlock) – “Do you just carry on talking when I’m away?”

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #john during the hiatus #my fic recs #bamf john #Anonymous

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incarnateirony · 6 years

Text

The Problem with DreamHunter...

Is that there is no problem with DreamHunter.

You're probably like "wait, what?" So let me clarify: This is absolutely not a Dreamhunter!Critical post. In fact, I have a lot of accolades for DreamHunter. I'll address a few complaints I've read from a surly, never-happy swath of stan twitter, but this post isn't actually about that - it's about a pervasive cultural issue involving coded phobia and how Bobo Fucking Berens showed his level of quantum literary and social brainfunction to do everything from canonize an LGBT ship to run a far deeper and more exposing social experiment on the fandom at large.

We've all seen the gif sets. I can't find the video in my vat of poorly maintained blog, but I'm sure someone else could, wherein Bobo on Twitch was talking about being ecstatic over us seeing what he wanted us to see. To the fandom that keeps their ears open, none of DreamHunter's premise is new to us. The only new thing was a certain confirmation, "First love strikes quick."

First, to the part that is NOT the point of the post, but I feel needs addressed before people start yelling at me:

Now, this has opened up a floodgate of hard-end-stan-twitter complaining like "Oh so they didn't just kill a WOC but a queer WOC and then after-texted it?" Well, no, fam. They were setting up a queer romance of the century with her dream half and potential return to the self while facing the darkest parts of challenging the self and deleting our weaknesses, and maybe even going so far as to make a statement of self imposed biases. Wayward just wasn't picked up so they've had to funnel and condense the concept in other ways. Dark Kaia wanting to target Claire after seeing what she meant to Kaia isn't an arbitrary and random sentiment. But arguing literary romantic value with stan twitter is like arguing algebra with an ill-behaved goose, so that's as far as I'm going to take that explanation beyond "y'all are often our biggest enemies on content."

Now then... to the actual point of the post:

I've mentioned it before, but it really deserves its own rebloggable master post not attached to some overlong thread, and able to be brought into fuller scope. The problem with DreamHunter is almost nonexistent. In fact, the simple fact is: with a line that simple, it was universally accepted as a truth, whether people are screaming about tropes they want to read in the worst light before the romantic element ever got a chance to get its feet under it. Nobody's out there saying it doesn't exist. Nobody's out there downtalking that line.

THAT is the problem with DreamHunter - that there is no problem with DreamHunter. And by that, I don't mean to say we should have a problem with DreamHunter. It's that DreamHunter reveals a hugely systemic coded bias in our culture.

And honestly, I think Berens did that on purpose.

There’s a certain level of coy battle in acceptance going on. First of all, people naturally seem to accept F/F before M/M due to a bunch of cultural reasons. Mostly because F/F has been convenient to publicly fetishize while M/M freaks out dudebros that are really uncertain about themselves, so for a longer time, GA has been exposed to and accepting F/F. And I think of anyone out there, My Big Gay Author King Berens is going to understand that.

WLW still has its own stigmas, I'm not saying it doesn't, but acting like resistance to it is on any cultural coding level parallel to the stigma against MLM is a weird display of intersectional privilege and lack of awareness.

Acting like it’s coincidence that they monkey-stomp packed as many identical lines and scene arrangements into all of one episode as possible, then dropped a bomb like that episode two, is silly. We know exactly what he’s after – hell, he said he was ecstatic we saw what he wanted us to see. So the real question is, why is it that “first love strikes quick” is taken without argument from the GA but a thousand up-nods for the M/M pairing with the same content – and TBH, far far far more that could never be packed into a single episode – has people take lines like “attached at the everything” and immediately have a portion of the audience start laughing, despite the surrounding substance around it?

Destiel fandom read into yet-again heaven and hell believing DeanCas are an item; antis decided it was an insult to “annoy” them. Even the angel in the past threatening to gouge Cas’ genitals over it. Because that’s what I do when I don’t believe it but am a religious zealot. Threaten to cut dicks off to annoy people. But somehow, it’s far easier to negotiate, to these people, that the male queer coded content is a punchline, rather than either a genuine or perceived truth. Antis choose to interpret MLM as a punchline. It’s that simple. No amount of surrounding content or story thematics can convince them otherwise.

The same substance they monkey stomped, condensed, and largely stripped down for time limitations, into DreamHunter?

I’ll give a hint: it’s the same cultural stigma that – which late night show was it, where they started playing well-edited slash videos and the audience started laughing despite it being well timed and edited? It’s that. It’s the same thing that made Ateo unable to play queer roles in the industry as being “not believably gay” despite being a gay man himself, until the Hunter Husbands. It’s a horrific stigma that the audience has been coded to bite and gnash back against M/M content unfairly to the queer male audience and it’s gross, but it’s just there, sort of in the collective mind.

I absolutely don’t think Berens, of all fucking people, is unaware of this. And I see what he did as a really, really fucking coy set of actions beneath already masterful writing.

Berens knows exactly what he’s fucking doing and has basically coded a social experiment into the show that betrays people’s biases against M/M queer pairings while allowing the saturation (largely by fetishization) of F/F pairings to do the heavy lifting for him. Nobody out here yelling that Jody could be wrong about it or that “we didn’t see a kiss so it didn’t happen LOL they’re just in a sismance” – it is what it is. And here we are.

So on a social level I am fucking fascinated to see where he takes this next.

Berens has come out swinging for the queer male community whether anybody wants to accept it or not. Which is, modernly, by our demographics, at least an equal if not the greatest portion of our primary male demographic of viewers for the show. And I'm not just talking about the fandom census. I'm talking about Nielsen's demographics shift on gender since season 10, and general Kinsey-scale-esque testing of the true target demo at large in the US. Our ads count 18-49. CW targets 18-34.

Following the work of Berens within Supernatural will give you a very blatant papertrail. It started in deeply layered subtext; his first episode Carver directed Misha to play Cas as a Jilted Lover; after that, he took Robbie's work on Cain and manifest the Colette parallel coded into our story; he chose to take Dabb's Dean-speech from 12.1 and turn it into our coffee-Mixtape-Win spree that other authors shed from their pen in his wake, just like later in season 10 people continued his Colette grind. Berens has been an internal motion for the legitimization of truly structured and admittedly intentful elements of Destiel in the show. And people can scream that they don't like or see it all they want, but it's right there -- and with DreamHunter, it was What He Wanted Us To See.

It's grossly disingenuous activism to try to accuse SPN's first overtly queer author of queerbait while internally shifting the motions of our author room mechanics towards genuinely structured and intentful romance-skewed storytelling, whether it remains subtextual or not. Especially as that author continues to throw wrench upon wrench upon wrench into the no homo gears in ways the GA is perpetually exposed to and spun into having to think about. An eternal negotiation of poignantly delivered lines that catches even the most resistant ears and at least plants a seed in their mind about something else. A true normalization of it as a potential element to the story.

The same sort of normalization hyper-condensed into DreamHunter, but as per the above discussion, far more readily accepted. I have literally heard, from people who argued the "bromance, I'm not entirely convinced" on Destiel, that DreamHunter had been "obvious" to them and the "first love strikes quick" wasn't even necessary, because everybody knew. Cue me sending simple gifsets and script line side by sides and blowing their brains because suddenly their entire world scope just got bent sideways in -- why do I accept the one while I negotiate away the other?

Well, I covered why, above.

The problem with DreamHunter, I repeat, is that there is no problem with DreamHunter. People accept and see that it exists, without argument, even going so far as to label it "obvious" from a single episode, of a highly condensed version of only a fraction of the moments of another queer-coded duo in the show, but simply with culturally differing gender dynamics.

The concern troll of "bromance" or "why not let men be close" dies here. The idea of a bromance is letting two men have a friendship with the form of openness platonic female friends can have. That's fine, that's great. Dean-Benny would be a great example of this, and even then we once again had the offset of Dean-Cas to show different operations. I might even say Dean-Sam as an idea of that, but I don't think "bromance" is necessarily needed since brothers natively have a different sort of dynamic from growing up together. But once you are going out of your way to dismiss elements that we accept in hetero pairings with a laissez-faire “duh”, or even WLW scenarios as “it’s so obvious”, because it's MLM, we have left the area of "bromance" and "why not just let men be close without making it gay" and into “I am negotiating this away due to some sort of coded unwillingness to accept it, perhaps subconsciously, even if I consciously consider myself an ally.”

And that's the true masterpiece of this social experiment Bobo planted in the Supernatural universe with DreamHunter.

The world is grossly unfair and tilted in remaining cultural stigmas about queer males after ages of repressing them to limited niche capacities and stereotypes so strong that masculine gay men couldn’t even get cast in roles as gay men, where the world reads queer men as a punch line rather than a “duh” or “it’s so obvious” or “it’s just right there”, and DreamHunter is a walking fucking social experiment putzing around in Supernatural universe that gives no choice but to pick a side of the fence once you’re aware of these things.

Whether or not it’s physically consummated does not make it not-romantic. Being queer isn’t just about sex. It’s about feelings. And yes, we want our feelings to lead somewhere, and they deserve to lead somewhere, but is Jody acknowledging Claire’s “first love” now what suddenly makes it romantic, or is it the motions, the stories, and the feelings that preceded those lines, even though they never kissed and all hand-holding could be negotiated away the same way we can negotiate away our canon touches for two very emotionally involved men? “She was just leading her through the gate because she was scared,” “she was just consoling her as she died.” See how easy that is? But we won’t do that. And now, frankly anybody that does looks like a jackass.

So why, oh why, is this treated with ambiguity? This is a canon statement of “this relationship is being in love.” It was young love - it struck quick, in only an episode - but it was love. But name an element DreamHunter has to define that love that Destiel doesn’t? If you bend over backwards and try for the handholding, I can raise you hundreds of moments of intimate style contact. Try again.

Canon just confirmed what we already knew -- that Destiel is romantic. That there is love there. And not the kind of love we dismiss as Bros. Bobo just did that. Because every element of their relationship exists in Destiel, and a hundred times more. But it was first love. Dreamhunter was young love that came quickly, and not a single soul argued. Destiel is the same showcase of love, older, more matured, grown over years with dozens more moments of contact and display -- but in the very least, those moments -- those ones lived through DreamHunter in parallel -- that’s love. Canon literally just painted those sparse, compacted down elements, these behaviors we’ve seen, these moments, as coded romantic and in love. If you take nothing else from that -- take that. The elements that build Destiel are canonically romantic, when within DreamHunter and the question is -- without any physical affirmations or DreamHunter on screen, why is it romantic to them and not to Destiel? Why do we even humor this as a discussion, though we expect it, and what does this say of the coded phobias in fandom that we even have to expect it?

Dean and Cas haven’t kissed or dual-confessed to it in public, but you know... neither did DreamHunter. Unless of course we don’t talk down the timely placement of Need Yous and Love Yous and Big Wins and whatever else like people insist on doing with the MLM arrangement. Nobody’s talking down Jody’s third person “first love,” because we know better, and there’s not a mix of MLM and ship warring in play with DreamHunter. Bromance ends at the same line platonic female friendships end. Everyone accepts that DreamHunter is not platonic. Even without ceasing previous negotiations around poignant DeanCas lines, DreamHunter has established the romantic and loving engagements in retrograde. Canon has literally confirmed -- this relationship is romantic and in love.

And until this post, not a single person has tried to argue it down as Just Young Sis Love. Because we all know. Just like, deep down, everybody knows it about the mothership, some just don’t want to accept it. For whatever reason, subconscious or otherwise. I’ll laugh if the same antis that just tried to blind parallel it to W*ncest as a proof of love, while disconnected from the very origins and confirmations of DreamHunter, suddenly start rambling that doesn’t make DreamHunter canon either once this post gets around.

Berens is a fucking master ISTG.

I mean, I guess you’re free to celebrate any network level blockades going on right now while Bobo does Big Queer Fatal Combat from within, but allow me to celebrate DreamHunter whether or not we get consummation for Destiel, an MLM-scenario ship that has to deal with entirely other stigmas on a network primarily run by a bunch of old dudes. This is there. This will never be taken away. And cheering any blockades being run against MLM content with blatant intent does not make you the gr8 person here, m8.

This post is probably gonna have a low level of spread because it’s also something that forces even Destiel fandom to negotiate with themselves too -- how many lines and moments and whatever-else have we negotiated down, talked around, and chosen to interpret in the most left field way as if arguing ourselves from the position of an anti, only to get crack slapped across the jaw in this? How many have yelled queerbait without really observing what Bobo has been doing from within, how many have to face-or-deny the unfair queerbait shouting? How many hold-outs are we putting up, ourselves, because it isn’t the type or level of confirmation we want; we’re sitting here waiting for a bigger more dramatic reveal than a third person statement like that, or what-have-you, but when it’s not “our ship” that we are eternally defending from antis, and not a ship being targeted due to a mix of ship warring and MLM social issues, this is fine? And why is it okay when it’s not The Mothership and we totes accept it for DreamHunter canonization but we’re still talking circles around DeanCas like we’re our own antis? Why do we let anti-dom spin everyone’s head up in such knots that the majority expect Dabberens to live in stan twitter, abandon narrative properties and quality, and have Sam walk in on something while they profess their love and walk away with pictures as hard sealed photographic evidence when that isn’t expected of literally anybody else?

Can anybody tell me why Bobo Bookends Berens, who penned Cain -- Dean’s kindred spirit and fated path parallel -- calling out -- as confirmed -- that Castiel was his Colette, his wife, the love of his life that knew who he was, and what he was, that loved him unconditionally, forgave him, and only asked for him to stop -- a third person perspective -- has a third person, offscreen confirmation of the same sort, with far less plot weaving, taken universally as canon without the play of shifting goalposts via MLM social stigmas and/or ship warring stan twitter getting up in everybody’s heads?

Cuz it’s the same dude, guys. Same pen. A moment nobody even dismissed or TRIED to heckle out. If we just want to go third person while dropping punchline perception, we have everything from The Angel In The Dirty Trenchcoat Who’s In Love With You to Attached At The Everything. Y’all really think Bobo Berens is out here using his own sexuality as a tool and a punchline to be laughed at though? Bobo, “I protest human trafficing and ICE engagements front line in the body walls while people are being arrested” Berens? That guy?

You’re gonna go out of his way that hard to miss the point just because you have phobic asshats on twitter, and/or asshole haters with “opposite ships” on twitter, or it’s just not the kind YOU wanted to see for Destiel, even if it’s enough for you to take it as canon in DreamHunter, when you already Been Had It for Destiel?

Meh. So many problems with DreamHunter, in there not being any problems with DreamHunter.

All Dabberens. Every Dreamhunter moment was a Dabb or Berens written previous Destiel moment. The meaningful third party line from Jody was Berens. Just like the meaningful third party line in Executioner’s song, also by Berens. Not just a random jab - someone who knew them inside and out. And that - people will take that as canon, again, when there’s no rival ships or MLM phobias in play. Every inch of Dreamhunter (and far, far more) existed in Destiel, by the same authors, porting the same concepts across, piece by piece, and like magic, nobody protested.

And if you’re protesting, or worse if you hilariously ship Dreamhunter but reject Destiel, despite -- I dunno -- Bobo’s own book reviews on issues like queerphobia and intersectional issues -- you may want to introspect on the real reason you’re denying it.

Because that, my friends, is a strictly personal problem.

#supernatural #lgbt #destiel #dreamhunter #bobo berens #mine

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1dreality · 6 years

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Why The Normalization of Stan Culture is Unhealthy

How a tweet about Ariana Grande made me realize the extent of harm this subculture has done.

Haaniyah Angus

FollowJan 27

The way in which pop culture is consumed in the 2010s is unlike anything else we have witnessed since the dawn of pop culture itself. Social media has created a hyperreality wherein the distance between regular individuals and their idols is slowly shortening, or at least appearing to. This is most obviously seen within ‘stan Twitter’, a section of Twitter dedicated to celebrities even to the most harmful lengths.

I want to make myself clear here: I don’t hate stans or stan Twitter. Throughout my teenage years, I was part of this subculture in various ways, whether it be K-Pop, One Direction, Justin Bieber, 5SOS and — ironically enough — Ariana Grande. Through ‘standoms’ I was able to meet people and make friends in a way I couldn’t in real life. I felt as if I were part of a community, that I finally belonged. But, as I got older, I realized the obsession I had wasn’t healthy, and that’s why I worry about the direction that many young people seem to be heading in. Their dedication to strangers in order to boost their own self-esteem feels almost like a car crash ready to happen and, for some, it already has.

But, though this is undoubtedly a phenomenon of the social media era, in order to understand what stan Twitter is and its origin, we need to travel back to a time before Twitter even existed.

Currently, on Urban Dictionary, a stan is defined as an overzealous maniacal fan for any celebrity or athlete, stemming from Eminem’s 2002 hit, Stan. In the video, Stan wants Eminem to make contact with him but Eminem doesn’t reply to his letters and, due to this, Stan thinks he has been ignored. As revenge, Stan ties up his own girlfriend, stows her in his trunk, drives along a rain-soaked highway and drives off a bridge. Eminem gets around to responding and says how thankful he is for the support, only to understand that Stan is obsessed with him and then, finally, to connect the dots and realize that he’s the man who killed his girlfriend.

What many psychological professionals would describe this as is a parasocial relationship. This is not a made up disorder nor an armchair diagnosis, but simply the definition to a relationship many people have with famous figures. Parasocial relationships are one-sided dynamics in which energy, interest and time are extended towards the object of obsession whilst they (commonly a celebrity) remain ignorant of the existence of the other.

But, though critics and think piece writers often frame them as a symptom of young people’s generational rot, behaviours such as this are not new in the slightest. Before the boom of social media, obsessive fans had existed for a long, long time — such as during the Roman reign, where people collected gladiators’ sweat out of admiration; or the Victorian era, when hordes of fans forced author Arthur Conan Doyle to revive his star character, Sherlock Holmes. The Beatles had a superfan plotting to murder John Lennon, Michael Jackson had to prove that he didn’t impregnate a stalker, and Uma Thurman received a card from a fan that had a drawing of an open grave, a headstone and a man standing on the edge of a razor blade.

This is not an exclusively Western phenomenon either. In Korea, this type of idolatry exists heavily within the K-Pop industry. Sasaeng fans are over-obsessive fans of musical idols, to the point that they engage in stalking. According to Yahoo Lifestyle, Korean idols have been filmed, had their phones wiretapped, and even had fans breaking into their homes.

What makes this new era of ‘stalker fans’ different, in my opinion, is the admiration that seems to be growing towards such behaviours. Today, even as a joke, the terminology of ‘stalker fan’ or ‘stan’ has been the latest object of amelioration — where a word’s negative meaning is elevated to a positive one.

Last year when culture writer Wanna Thompson received a hateful DM from rapper Nicki Minaj and decided to share it, the following backlash shone a light for many in regards to this behaviour. Minaj clapped back at a comment Thompson had made on her Twitter account and Thompson brought it to her timeline, shocked that a celebrity of that magnitude could do such a thing. According to an interview with the New York Times, Wanna received hateful messages via Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and even email; including insults to her infant daughter and suicide bait. The majority of these hateful words came from stans, who seemed to have a soldier-like sense of duty to protect Minaj. It was as if they would do anything for their idol.

Though Wanna and Nicki’s beef was recent and particularly notorious, one could pick any of all the major stan groups and they’d find that they all exhibit this need to protect their idols from critique, even when it is valid. Which brings me to the point of this article.

We need to talk about Ariana Grande.

It was last week when Grande released her song ‘7 Rings’ and, as a longtime fan of the 25-year-old star, I was ecstatic. I loved the song and felt like she was finally blossoming into the artist she could always be. That was until it was rightfully pointed out to me that Ariana was walking along a tightrope that many young white pop stars toe — and often fall off of. Like many ex-child stars before her, Ariana was rebelling against her ‘good girl’ image by appropriating Black culture.

As stated by writer Erin Dyana:

Viewing her 7 Rings video after seeing her come up in real time throughout the years has left a bizarre taste in my mouth and I’m not sure if there’s anything that can cleanse my palate of it. The video has quite literally glamorized a trap house (something she wouldn’t know anything about) while she raps in an airy voice about buying weave, being rich, and having a “stacked” ass (a lie). These lyrics and visuals aren’t fitting and belong to a Black woman, period. It’s inauthentic and corny to me that she felt the need to cherry pick from Black culture to make something that’ll sell and get clicks.

As much as I love Grande, I couldn’t ignore this issue, which has plagued Black culture for years. The more I listened to 7 Rings, the more I understood why it made people, specifically Black women uncomfortable. While I wasn’t the most damning critic of Grande’s song, I immediately got pushback for suggesting that those who dislike it weren’t in the wrong. Historically white pop stars have been able to cross genres (pop to trap, in Grande’s case) while Black singers haven’t.

I was noticing that anytime someone dared speak about Grande, they were silenced by her fans and stans alike, even though some of the people criticizing Ariana might have disliked her already, or been indifferent to her, many of us truly loved her music. Though stan Twitter might have you thinking otherwise, critical consumption doesn’t negate enjoyment. I and many others are perfectly able to spot the problematic aspects of music, writing and film whilst still having fun with it. Critical thinking only makes our experience richer, and definitely doesn’t mean that we hate an artist for making mistakes.

The drama culminated when people noticed that Ariana herself was liking tweets defending 7 Rings, its music video and the genre choice. I find that, when celebrities try to defend themselves against valid critiques such as cultural appropriation, it does more harm than good. This self-victimization causes the stans to be even more defensive and thus lash out against anyone critiquing their idol. Grande seemingly felt attacked or felt that these critics — mainly Black women — were harassing her. Her fans didn’t just internalize those feelings as their own but, of course, felt the need to defend Ariana by attacking anyone who dared criticize her.

I probably wouldn’t be paying as much attention to this if I hadn’t been also a victim of the harassment her stans were dishing out online. What sparked it, you may ask! I had simply tweeted a ‘judgemental’ reaction image in response to Ariana’s Instagram story. In it, it seemed that someone had jokingly written in their Insta-story: You like my hair? Gee, thanks just bought it” *kissing emoji*!!!! white women talking about their weaves is how we’re going to solve racism. Grande then proceeded to repost that story, thanking the OP for praise, even though it was clearly a mockery of that line.

As I mentioned earlier, I’d already gotten pushback from Ariana’s stans, and I didn’t care if people got mad at me. I would have continued on not caring but, after that tweet started circulating, it got to a point where my direct messages started blowing up with fans threatening me and telling me to delete it or else. I didn��t pay them any mind since I felt that there was no reason to take their threats seriously. However, come the next morning I woke and saw that my Twitter account had been suspended. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had been falsely reported by stans in order to get the tweet taken down.

You see, Twitter’s reporting system is beyond repair. Reports are evaluated by algorithms, making it ridiculously easy for abusive accounts to skirt suspension by misspelling slurs, and even easier for ill-intentioned people to ‘game’ the system by mass-reporting innocent users. I only got a tenth of the backlash that Thompson received from Minaj fans and yet my Twitter account, a platform on which I had built a following of 12,000 and which held contacts throughout various industries was gone. Not only that but, once I tweeted on my new account that I had been suspended unfairly, stans started to mock me and say that I deserved it for posting that tweet. A tweet that simply reacted to a foolish post of Grande’s — which, mind you, she acknowledged as such and took down.

But why do these things happen? Why do hordes of fans maliciously attack critics? Why do ‘stans’ behave in such an obsessive manner? Some say that social media is to blame and that isn’t a completely ludicrous view. As stated earlier, stans existed long before the age of the Internet, but the anonymity and the mass reach of social media allow their harassment and stalking to be extremely harmful while sheltering them from consequences. You can’t get a restraining order against an anonymous person who could use various accounts to stalk you. If stans are harassing those critiquing their favourite celebrity, blocks may prove futile, as they could make uncountable new accounts, and online harassment may continue until the aggressors get bored or the target finally gives in and deletes their account, whatever happens first.

I want to be positive when it comes to stans, I want to say hey! let these kids do what they want and oh, they’ll grow out of it, but I’m worried it may be too late. These stans have projected their own self-esteem issues and insecurities upon celebrities that make them feel whole. I know this because I did this, and many of my friends did this. Maybe obsessive fanaticism is an inescapable part of growing up, and maybe stans will come across this article and drag me for it. They will say that I’m being extra and that I just want clicks but — while I do want clicks, that’s why we’re all here, right? — I am genuinely worried. What was seen as fringe behaviour before — the invasion of privacy, obsessive fantasies, aggression and possessiveness, absolute disregard for others’ wellbeing — seems to be expected now in order to be “a true fan”. I’m worried that this has become the new norm for celebrity culture, and that the popularization of ‘standom’ has cemented this behaviour for years to come.

Edited By: Andrea Merodeadora

#fandom culture #stan culture #excellent article on the phenomenon!!

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qqueenofhades · 6 years

Text

So after the spate of high-profile celebrity suicides recently, and the short-lived discussion of mental health that surrounds them (kind of like the way the gun control debate appears for a week after a mass shooting and then vanishes), I have had some probably disconnected thoughts that I finally felt like putting down somewhere (and honestly, I had most of this post typed up and then tumblr deleted it, so... round two and Fuck You Very Much Tumblr). I briefly thought about putting it on facebook, but a) fuck facebook, I’m barely on it anymore, and b) everyone that I care about is either or also here. So I guess it’s once more using the big blue hellsite as a diary, because I was awake until 1am last night talking to myself about this, and writing is how I work things out.

As ever, please do not feel obliged to read the post or whatever else, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the themes/subjects discussed. Again, it’s essentially for my own benefit and trying to organize things I’ve wanted to say, as a long-term sufferer of depression and anxiety who is also having a really tough time now, and how I see that reflecting on what’s happening both with me and the wider world.

Anyway.

I feel like my main reaction is one of weariness that so much of the response is “get help if you’re struggling! Reach out! Call someone! Things will get better!” Which is... helpful in its way, and I genuinely believe that the people reblogging suicide hotline numbers and “don’t kill yourself” posts and so on really want to help. I am not one to point fingers at anyone who really wants to reach out and do something to make a difference. But that’s also it? We’re barely getting to the place of recognizing depression as a legitimate problem and not stigmatizing people who have it (hah), but to me, it sounds so much like “well, I know you have two broken legs and can’t stand upright, but you should still go walk to the clinic and ask them to help you.” Again. Important. But why is so much of it centered around the assumption that the depression sufferer has the responsibility to go on an individual basis and try therapy or meds or whatever, while the mental health services that even exist are being slashed? While some people seem perfectly happy to talk about how mental health is the problem, and not readily legal assault rifles and a culture of white male entitlement and grievance), and the assumption remains that we can just treat depression on an individual, ad hoc basis, rather than looking at it systematically.

We’ve had a ton of studies and research showing that depression rates are way up, that a lot of people identify as having anxiety and mental issues and are messed up out the wazoo (which frankly, I think most of us are), and then the attendant “everyone’s a snowflake, buck up and take it on the chin!” backlash, because frankly the world is horrible and society sucks. (This opinion is sometimes subject to revision, but still.) Honestly, is this any surprise? When we’re in collapsing late-stage capitalism that has basically utterly fucked everyone born after 1980, we live in this awareness that things are systematically and unbearably evil and oppressive but the vast majority of us have no ability to do anything about that, and birth rates and marriage rates are declining because people (completely understandably) don’t want to bring children into this nightmare of a world and are realizing that traditional ideals of marriage and sexual morality are BS.... I mean, are we surprised that people just don’t want to live in this world anymore? When I find myself worrying about the idea of taking on another student loan (another of the basic commodities that it has become expected that you’ll go tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for) and then am like, “well, there’s a less than zero chance that Western civilization collapses in my lifetime/the next ten years, and I’m going to die in debt anyway, so...”, there’s a sense of surreality and almost despondency that we’re able to know more than ever how shitty things are, but again, can’t do anything about it. Again. We can’t fix depression by telling people individually to go try therapy or whatever else. It doesn’t get at the reasons that so many of us just can’t stand the world anymore.

I feel like I’ve settled well on my belief that people, even if often beholden to centuries-old bullshit and tribalism and prejudice, are individually good, often amazingly and soul-sustainingly so (I’m not joking when I say that I would probably be dead by now if not for the kindness of strangers and friends, including many of you who I’ve met here), but society and the overall structure is pretty much rotten. We find ways to manage, to exist, to ameliorate, to distract, and I am honestly delighted for the people who can live more or less happy existences despite everything, have found a way to do that. Again, this isn’t a “don’t go to therapy!!” sort of post, because yes, if you’re depressed, you have to decide whether and how you want to get better. But sometimes you just can’t fucking do that. You just exist this way and you know how it is and it becomes sort of familiar and accounted for.

I’m lucky to be a mostly high-functioning sufferer, who has lived with long-term and chronic depression and anxiety since at least the age of 18 (and probably, through most of my childhood as well), which has left me latently suicidal, physically fucked up, mentally exhausted, and emotionally isolated for my entire adult life. But I’ve also managed to hold jobs and complete several advanced degrees and get out of bed and put on makeup and keep my commitments and so on and otherwise outwardly resemble a normal person. So I then read posts about people who can’t get out of bed or even brush their teeth, and I start wondering if I “really” have depression or it’s just an excuse or I’m a weak person or just broken somehow else. Which is 0% helpful and is the bad brain talking, as I recognize. Looking at me from the outside, it feels like you wouldn’t guess, which also seems to be a theme with the celebrities who died. They always seemed happy and well put together and confident, until they didn’t. I turn 30 this August, and feel about 800.

And yet. I have made the choice to live, and I have continued to make the choice, and I have learned that I have a lot of strength I didn’t know I did, and I am proud of that. But I also read a post by someone I otherwise admire and whose work I really like, about how you can’t ever have the life you want until you take suicide off the table as an option, as if you can just choose once to live and not think about it again. And I just am like... how? I’ve made it before and I’ll have to do it again, but god, I wish with my entire heart that I could just make it once and not look back. I wish I could ever be confident that I could say without qualification that I want to live more than I want to die. Because well, I DON’T want to die, not really. I find things that make me happy and that give me small joys and distract me and which I enjoy. I still have a lot of things I want to do (even while feeling I won’t get the chance) and feel like it would be stupid to die because my brain doesn’t work. So I’m still here. I’ve never made a serious attempt to kill myself, and I obviously hope that doesn’t change. But it remains in the back of my head, the idea that I just wish I could switch off for five years and come back and find that things have somehow worked out. Which obviously is not the way it works, and you don’t get to temporarily go away. But this world is so hard and so tiring to live in, and sometimes it gets to me.

As for the getting help part -- I’ve been trying to do that myself recently. Go to counselling services and the university support centre and whatever else, even though it causes me anxiety to the point of physically messing me up. It feels like being drunk or hungover or just off balance and unable to see or breathe normally. I convulse in bed at night and wake up just as tired when I went to sleep and just don’t feel like I run correctly. And this is from a relatively high-functioning person who isn’t trying to stop herself (at least currently) from suicide, but just enough to keep her going. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a person depressed to the point of being unable to get out of bed, told to call someone or reach out or whatever else. That’s practically inhumane. We live, for better or worse, in a Western “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” culture that puts the onus on the individual to fix their own problems. When honestly, the collective society that exists right now is a toxic, oppressive, and impossible one that keeps chewing up people from every walk of life and which nobody with the actual ability to do anything about it seems to want to change. Encouraging individuals with depression to seek help is nice, sure. But until something fundamentally and permanently changes in society and how we view our obligations to each other and what we are willing to do to help and to change this culture that tells you you’re responsible for your own illness, people are going to keep dying from depression in droves, and everyone else is just going to figure we’re weak. Or there will be a short-lived mental health awareness campaign, and nice things will be said, and then it will be back to business as usual. Because man, are we good at burying our heads in the sand for any number of things.

The choice to live doesn’t usually have the luxury of being made once and then never revisited. You have to do it yearly, monthly, weekly, sometimes even daily. And frankly, I don’t blame anyone who feels that the cost-benefit analysis doesn’t really add up to staying here anymore. I’m here certainly in part because of you here on tumblr, who have indirectly (and sometimes directly) saved my life. You have talked with me on text or email or in person for years, have read my fics and thought of things you wanted to tell me and sent me nice messages and otherwise made me feel less invisible. Your kindness has been often what has sustained me, and made me decide that I’d rather be here than anywhere else, and given me what little faith in humanity I have left. And one of the reasons I write all the time (books/fics/asks/metas/papers/theses/projects...etc) is because I literally cannot stand to live in my own head if I don’t. I do love creating things and am happy that people enjoy what I post here, and it’s a major source of pleasure and distraction for me. But I also do it because I will literally cease to function (in what limited capacity I have) if I don’t. I have to do it in order to live with myself and this monster at all, and that is also tiring.

Overall, we’re all fucked-up people with a very dark sense of humor, whose compassion and conscience is about all we have going for us, and we just have to try to cling together and do for each other what we can. And god, I’m grateful for it. I have a lot of financial terror right now in addition to everything else, and am looking into the aforementioned student loan for short-term stabilizing (limited work rights are a Bitch), and I basically paid my rent last month because of you guys. So yeah, you’ve made the difference for a stranger on the internet being homeless or not, and I have no idea why, but please know that it means more to me than I can ever say, and I hope to give back what I can.

(I also still have a Kofi account, while I’m trying to get things under control here, so... again, entirely up to you.)

I’m not sure how I will make it to December and (supposedly, ha) my PhD graduation, let alone after that. I will probably have to choose to live again several more times between now and then, and then again after that. I hope I can continue to do that. And I hope I can talk to you, both if you need someone to listen and whatever I can do for you by that, and if I do the same.

If you’ve read all the way to the bottom, mazel tov.

#hilary for ts #personal #tw depression #tw suicide

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