#if i got a life for everytime i’ve been called annoying i’d live forever

[nervousintrovert]

my drama story, read if you are curious. it has best friend drama, some curse words. if you do take out time to read this, please let me know what you think.

i recently fought with my best friend. a childhood friend who i’d recently gotten very very close to. we’d talk about the weirdest stuff, make pacts to be with each other forever, yk that kind of stuff. and then this guy came in. at the time, he was new in my life, and i sort of liked him. but quickly i got over it, finding us not a good match, him being much older than me, completely different to me ie very social, and kind of arrogant. but my best friend, desperate to get me some action and out of this 18 yr dry spell i’ve been in, tried to get me to get with him. stuff progressed and we both never talked about it again, as this guy became very good friends with both of us. at some point, her more than me.

i now realise, he brought in a lot of fights between me and my bsf. the center of it might be that, even though we agreed not to let boys come between us, we somehow let this entitled boy wedge himself into us. slowly i saw the progress of their friendship from casual to joined-at-the-hip. seriously they are inseparable, despite the millions of fights they have. she said to me at one point that they are the same person and thus if they were to date, it would never work out, both being stubborn bitches. now this is important, it comes up again. every issue they do not agree on, escalates into intense arguments that end up with her crying sometimes, and then they “make up” and continue as normal. this is not normal!?

i also now realise that i was scared of them getting closer to each other than they are to me, the whole time we were friends. i was afraid of being phased out of both of their lives.

her parents are very strict. they are restraining, controlling, manipulative and almost abusive. we tried so so hard to hide this boy from them, because it would wreak HAVOC in her house, if her parents were to find out. somehow they eventually got to know, and started asking invasive questions about them, if they’re dating, not to hang around too much, etc. this was annoying to her, understandably, and she would vent about every single thing to me. they recently suspected even more that these two must be dating, so they doubled down on their THREATS to her, to not fall in love with this boy, actually threatening her with harm. i am fucking disgusted by them. they cornered me, telling me to protect their daughter and not let her fall for him. and i said they have nothing to worry about because i was assured by my bsf that there was nothing between them. and this hurts even more because…..

about three weeks ago, my bsf called me to hang out. i was like yeah, sure.. she comes up running when i open the door (she lives on the floor about me) so i ask her where she came from. she mumbles something about don’t ask, something fell down, whatever. we hung out for more than an hour, all the while i’m wondering how she’s so chill since usually she’s just RUNNING to meet this guy. slowly she says let’s go meet him. so we go, and this motherfucker acts so sad when he hears that i have to go somewhere, so we won’t hang out for long, and he pretends like he doesn’t like the fact that we don’t hang out much. everytime i think back on this, it fills me with so much anger. they played me for a fool.

while i was going out, her mom and my mom who were on a walk saw them both on a bike together and all hell was unleashed. the second we got home, all the “talking” ensued about how it doesn’t look nice to roam around with boys and how much older he is to us, it’s weird, etc. got a nice scolding. my mom was chill, she always is, we talked it out. but my bsf. obv her dearest parents went overboard, threats again. she called me over and i went and we talked. after. her fucking mom says all the things she has a problem with, boys, blah blah, and THEN she says her dearest daughter has been out since 4. FOUR. she came over at 6.30. just as i was about to say that not true, the fucking look this girl gives me shuts me up. then she tells me to go, and i thought she was trying to rescue me from her mom but nooooo it was actually to protect herself.

i get a text from both of them saying that they had actually hung out before they came to meet me and pretended to see each other for the first time. i was soo mad. and hurt. suddenly all my insecurities come rushing back to me. they didn’t wanna hang out with me, i was just an extra in this “trio”. i didn’t talk to them properly after that.

couple of weeks after that, even more news unfolded. they tried to tell me how much i mean to them before telling me something. even then i could tell whatever this is is gonna destroy us because they were laying it on thick. they tell me they’ve been “fooling around” with each other FOR MONTHS. i explode. like full on start bawling. i don’t know why i cried. i’m embarrassed about it now. but ig months of insecurities and feeling like i was a third wheel even though i didn’t know about them, finally came to the conclusion that my fears were true. i absolutely fell apart. she tried to console me, telling me that whatever this was was nothing in front of our relationship and that she would do anything to fix this. but i don’t feel like actually gets how much she’s hurt me. i asked her why she didn’t just tell me, and they go into a bunch of excuses like they didn’t want to put me in a difficult position with her parents, they wanted to get what they had going on straight before they told me, blah blah blah. such bs reasons. she later tells me, she knew i would try to talk her out of this thing and she didn’t want to stop seeing him, she knew it probably wasn’t right but she wanted it to go on. she wanted to have “experiences”. she couldn’t bear it if i had torn it apart.

i don’t even know why i’m this hurt, if i even have the right to be this hurt about it. i don’t know what i have to do about this, it’s a thing between them. but they are my friends. they’ve made me feel like a third wheel, a second choice. they’ve made me question my ability to connect with people, because everyone around me is so so so close with each other, and all i seem to have are casual friends. they’ve lied to me. they’ve made me feel shitty, awful, worthless, lonely. they’ve made me feel so lonely.

if they could’ve kept it in their pants, we could’ve had so many things. we would’ve been such a good friend group. but no. maybe that’s what i’m mad about. i agree that i probably would have been mad even if they had told me at the beginning. but it wouldn’t have completely RUINED us. i would’ve eventually come around. i would have. i am an inherently understanding person. yes i would’ve tried to talk her out of this fucking disaster of a situation-ship, but i believe had she told me to mind my own business and let her make mistakes i would have backed off. i swear.

i was so hurt, that i tried to cut them off. the boy hasnt talked to me since but my best friend. she tried to give me “space and time” and it pissed me off, because i shouldn’t be the only one to reflect on this, i wanted her to think about her actions. anyway, after time had passed, she was right, it had lessened my hatred for them. and now i understand them wanting to be with each other. they got really close and connected with each other on a lot of things, like i said they’re very similar. she said she felt very shitty in her life, and she enjoyed spending time with him, and so she went ahead with whatever this thing was. okay. i understand. but it doesn’t excuse how they’ve treated me. like a extra for each other. i haven’t felt like an equal friend, and that’s not ok with me.

anyway i just need some other perspectives on this matter. someone tell me how i should feel. tell me if i’m the one who’s wrong and out of my lane in this. or am i valid. i just want someone to talk to me, cuz i’ve lost the two people i could’ve talked to.

[hyperfocuscentre]

people who hate leo would hate me cause i am the loudest, crudest, most annoying, aroace, insecure mf ever and it’s become a problem (minus the aroace part because that’s the best part of my amazing personality 😍)

[emzaaaa]

I broke up with my 6 year relationship.

I need to talk about it.

I met my ex when I was 19 years old. I had just moved to Orlando, FL from a small midwest town. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship before and I honestly wasn’t looking for anything. We met working at Disney World under fireworks. We talked about music and instantly were hooked on eachother. I remember them asking me if I wanted to hang out and in my oblivious mind, I thought it was just that. A hang out. 

We went to this vegan kitchen and decided to walk in this cute little park across the street. All of a sudden I felt a hand grab mine. At that time is when I knew something was going to come out of this day. Damn. 6 years later and I’m a completely different person. 

The first year and a half was a dream. They constantly told me they loved me, we cuddled all the time, they made me FEEL loved and I constantly wanted to be near them. Nothing else mattered but them. 

Two years in is when they threw a bomb into our relationship. Something huge came to light that I wont share on this just because it’s not my story to tell. Before this, it was something that was apart of them but nothing came of it. Now they needed this. I was so excited for this bomb and I couldn’t wait to support and be there for them throughout the entire new chapter. 

Three years in is when we finally got our very own apartment together. The first two years we actually lived with their mother. You’d think that would be weird but I honestly loved it. She became my mom too. That’s honestly one of the hardest parts of this breakup. I have to separate her from my life and journey and that’s heart wrenching. This was a very exciting year for us. We experienced so many new things together with this apartment and learned and grew so much from it. Everything was so exciting. We were truly building a foundation. I remember one morning I woke up and they came into the room, taking a break from video games, and said “Let’s get married” Now, I know they werent being serious but I will always remember this morning. It gave me a glimpse of hope. This apartment was a tiny 500 square foot apartment but it was huge for our relationship. 

Four years in is when we decided to move out of Orlando.We both felt our journey was ending in that city and needed to start a new chapter. We set our eyes on Portland, Oregon. We had something to get excited about. We took a very spontaneous trip to Portland for a weekend and instantly fell in love with the area. We loved everything about it and just how liberal and chill everything was in that state... literally the definition of our relationship so far. A few months before we needed to tell our landlord that we werent resigning I felt our relationship start to crack. We started fighting more and more. We were getting annoyed with each other for silly things. We’d have fights but by the next day we were completely fine and comfortable again. I remember asking myself if I really wanted to sign another lease with this person. Ultimately, I felt my ex and I were endgame and were forever. So I pushed away all doubts and continued on with our plans. By this time moving to Portland wasn’t feasible but we still wanted to get out of Florida. Out of options, we decided to move to my hometown of Des Moines, Iowa. I hadn’t lived there for almost 5 years and my ex had never been there. So it was a new experience for both of us. 

Five years in we were moving to Iowa. From the outside perspective we were very excited. We were doing something new and unfamiliar to us. This was a turning point in our relationship. There was a reason I moved OUT of Iowa. I hated the Midwest. I was so miserable before... why would I move back. By the second month of living back in Iowa, all I saw was darkness. I didn’t want to be in that state anymore. I told my ex I wanted to move back to Florida but they didn’t want to regress like that. Their time in Orlando was over. Which I get.. it’s the same thing I was experiencing with Iowa. At this time my ex was also getting very depressed with their own shit going on. I felt like we were pulling apart from each other. Usually my ex loved to play video games but it felt like it consumed them. They use to tell me what they were doing online or something funny that happened.. all of a sudden that stopped. It almost felt like we were roommates. I’d go to bed alone and wake up alone. It felt so strange because on the other side of the wall there was my ex living in a completely different world. And I wasn’t invited.  Our fighting became more and more. 

Have you ever heard of jumping the shark? Where a tv show will do something crazy when they feel like the end is near... hoping to get more views and prolong the inevitable. Well... getting a dog was our jumping the shark. I had wanted a dog since two years into our relationship. It was never gonna happen in Florida.. just because the cost of living mixed with dog expenses would be insane. Living in Iowa, cost of living is nothing compared to Orlando. We finally had extra money in our pockets. Christmas came around and they got me my dream dog.. a corgi named Billie. She became my new love and she was all I wanted. I honestly don’t know why they got me a dog. Because thats all that happened. They never shared in anything else. I went to to all the vet visits, I bought her puppy training classes and taught her a few tricks, I bought her everything she has. To this day the only thing they have done is buy her and buy half the spay. They never tried to be involved at all. I wont lie though.. I’m so thankful for my ex because they brought Billie into my life. Billie saved my life. I had something to throw all my love and support to. 

Five and a half years in we moved again.. staying in Iowa. I wanted to move out of state but it just wasn’t in our cards. I went back to college, thinking maybe if I did something with my life I’d be happy again. That didn’t work. I hated everything and I brought that into my relationship, I’ll admit. This past November/December we were fighting every week to the point of us calling it quits each week. At this point we never cuddled, everytime I tried to kiss them they would put their cheek out for me to kiss, I didn’t even remember the last time they freely told me they loved me. They didn’t seem interested in anything I was doing or wanted to do and didn’t support me with anything either. We had no communication. 

At this point of the relationship I felt like nothing. I felt so unwanted. My self esteem was zero. I did everything for this person.. why didn’t they do something.. anything in return. 

One story. Valentines Day this past year. I was so excited for it. I thought I could finally put some romance back in this relationship and help fix it. I planned this day for weeks. I bought them a dozen red roses and left a cute note telling them how beautiful they were and how much I truly did love them. I had to go to work that day but I begged my leaders to be let out early. It was approved and I eagerly bought ingredients for a new recipe that I knew theyd love. I came home and nothing was said about the flowers. Totally fine. I was cool about it. They went to go get their car fixed which took hours. Thinking it was Valentines Day and we needed to be together.. I went with. After we got back I made dinner and we ate and drank a bottle of wine. We decided to watch a movie and they got angry with me because I interrupted the movie. I remember how my heart plummeted and I slowly got up.. grabbed the gift I was going to give them and hid that it in the closet. I went to bed early. They never once told me they loved me or did anything special. Never even thanked me for dinner or helped with the dishes. 

Exactly one month ago. I went MIA and ran to my parents house because I finally was realizing there was no relationship left. I should have ended things a long time ago but I never did. I didn’t want to be alone. I’m terrified of being alone. But one day at work everyone was talking about their partners and I just had a realization.. “I don’t feel the way everyone else does about their partners” That mixed with how my partner was treating me.. I ran to my parents for a night to get my head straight. I refused to text them.. I just needed to figure things out.

The next day I came home and we sat down and talked. I told them how I didn’t see us being together and that I felt like I was holding them back. They were about to completely alter their life and I knew how they had been confused on things within the relationship. It wasn’t fair to me. Their issues with themself wasn’t an excuse for them to be absent. I need someone to be completely sure about me. I’m a fucking catch. Together we realized the relationship was over. 

The next morning I didn’t believe it. We fought all the time and “broke up” quite a few times.. all ending the same.. us being completely fine the next day. The week after that we had serious talks for hours every night just hashing things out and just trying to understand what went wrong. My ex has huge communication problems. This week after the breakup is when they finally opened up their soul to me and told me everything that was confusing them.

I realized I don’t fit in with their life. I was the reason they stopped something that they needed in the beginning of the relationship and I will always hold onto that.. if they had kept with it.. what would have been of this relationship now? Cryptic, right? This whole thing is probably.. but I need this.

In the month of being broken up and being single.. I’ve learned so many things about myself. I realized it was the fear of being alone that kept me from truly ending things. I should have ended things a long time ago... honestly in Orlando. I saw so many red flags that I kept pushing away. I have so much love for my ex. I support them and I can’t wait to see what comes of their life in these next few years. 

This past month of being broken up has brought things out that I am not proud of either. I tried for almost six years to get my ex to open their soul and truly connect with me.. this girl comes into their life a few months ago and instant connection. To say Im jealous and to say that that ruined this whole breakup for me... yeah that would be true. I wanted to be loving and in their life still.. but now there is no room for that because this girl took my spot. Because of this I had done things I wasn’t proud of out of pure jealousy. After a week of denial and crying all day in bed I finally felt a new emotion: rage. I felt angry. Angry that my ex didn’t want to try and actually get down to the core and fix things.. they just wanted to throw it in the trash. I threw all gifts they got me away.. I said hurtful things.. I tried throwing away things I got them.. I was just so angry. I needed to feel something other than denial and sadness. The next day I felt so content and like maybe it would be okay. Don’t get me wrong I am completely humiliated on how I acted and what I did.. but it was so needed for me to be at this point in the breakup. If I didn’t have that night I would still be in bed crying begging them to fix things. I think I was in denial because it was my idea to break up the first night and then realized I was going to be alone the next day and regretted saying I didn’t think we should be together. But I’m so glad I did. I built up the courage to say out loud what I was thinking for months.. even years. Sure, things ending hurt my soul and I’m broken because of it... but things needed to end. I need to find someone who loves me the way I want to be loved and deserved to be loved. 

Whats happening now? I’m moving on to new things. I’m moving back to Orlando for myself. I’m excited to live in a city I loved and not have a relationship consume me. I’m excited to say YES to everything and not no because I want to go back home and be with my love. I’m relearning who I am. I completely lost myself to someone who didn’t feel the same. I have to fix my self esteem and outlook on life. I have to learn to love myself again. And I’m so excited to do so. I’m a fucking bad bitch and I’m so excited to see what I do next.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 

[stenbrozier]

Members of Losers’ Club x Reader (Your Guys’ Songs) *modern*

Bill Denborough: Cleveland, OH by John Floreani

I'd rather die on the plane flight home

Than disappoint you in the years to come

Let me crash into the ocean

Let the water fill my lungs

Bill was undeniably the most loyal person you had ever met, and whenever he was slightly dishonest with you, even if it was about what he ate that day, he’d absolutely feel like shit. You loved him no matter what, but it was always really hard for him to fathom that when he was so used to telling people little white lies. You didn’t care though, as long as he was honest about the big things, you didn’t care if he lied about what he ate or what Losers’ Club member he was with that day. When you first heard this song and listened closely to the chorus, you laughed a little, wanting to share it with Bill because “it’s literally you, baby.”

He heard it and smiled, nodding and laughing, too. After that, this became the song that you would cuddle to or a song that you would blast on your phone as you rode your bikes through Derry. The others started to get sick of it, but you and him could never.

——————————————————————————

Stanley Uris: I’m Losing Friends by Tanner Swift

I see what the Devil sees, I listen when the Devil speaks

And I think we might all be demons when we wanna be

I can't afford to love

I'm afraid if I give to much you'll leave

Everyone does

Stan’s biggest fear was loosing everyone in his life: his friends, his family, but most importantly, you. As you guys got older, the club drifted apart, and you and Stan stayed fairly close, but it was still hard on him. He was scared to make new friends, like you were, and he just couldn’t stand the thought of loosing everyone.

“Babe,” Stan asked as he rubbed circles into your back. You made a sound in response, one that said that you heard him but you were too tired to use actual words. “Do you remember that song that we heard in the car the other day? The one about losing friends?” You nodded lazily, knowing exactly what he was talking about. “You won’t leave me right? You’ll stay?” You turned over, facing Stan.

“I couldn’t ever leave,” you said softly, planting a kiss on his nose. “I actually really liked that song, so do you remember some of the lyrics?” He rolled his eyes but recited the lyrics as best he could. After that, the song became a song that followed you through your whole lives, reminding you that you needed to stick together so you both didn’t fall into a dark pit of despair.

——————————————————————————

Eddie Kaspbrak: Our Late Night Calls Used To Be Happy by Fredo Disco

But here i am

It’s where i've always been

I’m not the one who's changing places

I try to stay consistent

It was no secret that Eddie was overshadowed by his friends. Yes, it was very hard to miss the neurotic boy who squealed everytime he touched something remotely “dirty”, but when everyone at school thought of the losers, they’d think of Bill or Richie. But you always thought of Eddie.

When you first met him, it was so hard for you to get his smile out of your head, and it was the same for him. You bumped into him in the hallway and he looked like he was going to snap, but then he saw your apologetic smile and his heart just melted. After that, you noticed each other everywhere. At the pharmacy getting bandaids for your accident prone little siblings? Eddie was there getting his meds and would offer to walk you home. At the quarry admiring the peacefulness? Eddie would show up with his friends and they’d make it less peaceful, and he would apologize.

You heard this song one day on a random playlist and immediately thought of him. So, naturally , you burned it onto a CD and taped it onto his locker. When he found it, he instantly knew you did it, well Richie might’ve told him you did, and he want to find you. Ever since that, it had been the song that you did everything to, and the club got really fed up when you screamed it at the top of your lungs at the quarry randomly.

——————————————————————————

Mike Hanlon: They Looked Like Strong Hands by Bayside

And I look so strong

When the weight of all the world

Don't take its toll

And I'd choose my sides

If I believed in what was right

But I'm all wrong

Mike wanted to act tough around you and the losers, but you all knew he couldn’t do that constantly. There were many times where Mike didn’t live up to his tough guy presence and it really discouraged him. However, you were always there to remind him of the times where he saved you and Losers’ asses or when he was just an amazing friend.

Yes, you guys had no problem comforting him and telling him how important he was, but Mike still got so insecure that he wasn’t good enough. He didn’t understand that he needed to catch a break.

You showed Mike this song, so that when you weren’t able to comfort him, he could just turn it on and feel as if you were right there telling him about how amazing his love was. Even if he didn’t exceed his standards of being a good friend, the song would remind him that it is hard to be tough and care for yourself all at the same time.

——————————————————————————

Richie Tozier: Sixteen by Real Friends

The saddest part is I've been distant since I was sixteen

It keeps me up in bed

I'm stuck here with all the choices I've made

And the chances I was too afraid to take

Richie was very closed off and quiet (shocking right?) after the whole IT fiasco. He drifted really far from all of you, or he at least tried to. You fought your way back into his life and we’re always there for him when he told you all of his fears.

You found this song while you were listening to a random new music playlist and tears welled in your eyes. Richie needed to hear it. So, one day after school, you walked him home with him and sat with him on his bed, turning this song on. Richie furrowed his eyebrows.

“What’s this shit,” he said, looking annoyed, but once he listened and heard the lyrics, he softened up. “This is a nice song. I-I have something to tell you.” Now it was your turn to furrow your eyebrows. You went to ask him what was wrong but then he smashed his lips against yours. This was the song you guys first kissed to, so of course it would only make sense that it would play at every important event in your life for years after that.

——————————————————————————

Beverly Marsh: February 15th by Hobo Johnson

I'm gonna be alone forever

I'm gonna be alone forever

But I'm getting used to the thought

Except late at night, you know, maybe I'm not

You and Bev had this friendship that was just completely inexplicable, and it was always your goal to make her feel as if it was as important as she thought it was. She never truly believed she had people that loved her, even after you introduced her to the losers, but with you, love just came so naturally.

It was really difficult for you both growing up because you were both in love with one another; however, neither of you told anyone else. Being in love with your best friend and not being able to do anything about it broke you both, and it was really hard not being able to talk about to one another either.

Hobo Johnson had been someone who helped you through so much through his music and you showed her this song, and she immediately confessed her feelings. She didn’t want to be alone. And neither did you.

——————————————————————————

Ben Hanscom: Smoke by Soroity Noise

Sleep next to me

Tell me everything is how it should be

When you leave to haunt someone else's dreams

Think of me

Holy shit, Ben was in love with you from the moment he met you. He memorized your face and your manuerisms from watching you in math class, but he didn’t know that his love would get deeper when he stumbled upon you and your friends.

He could tell that you might’ve liked him back, from the way he sometimes caught you staring at him, but he didn’t really believe that you would stay with him, even if you guys started dating. Ben’s goal in life was to get you to notice him, and now that he had accomplished that, what the fuck was he gonna do now?

You knew he liked you and, yeah, you liked him, but you didn’t know how long it was gonna last. Music was a big part of both of your lives, so when you found this song about living in the moment, you knew that you just had to figure it out as it went. So you did. You made your relationship the best it could possibly be, and if it didn’t last forever, okay. At least you were able to enjoy it for a little while.

[deathnughet]

Analogical fluff in the form of Virgil and Logan writing each other love letters secretly and then tossing them out. Virgil somehow finds one by accident, loses his marbles for a while, and then just caved in, asking if it's true?

Awwwwww!!!! Yes I will!!!

(Thank you for being the first person to not be an anon. It was seriously getting annoying, because getting to know my fans just means I produce more dopamine for myself, which means I want to do more for you guys!)

This is not part of the main story of the other fanfics, though. This is gonna be great nonetheless!!!!

Virgil sat at his desk a moment, just collecting himself. This was gonna be the twelfth letter he wrote, and was hoping this time, this letter would be the one to get to his crush. He daydreamed for a bit about him, his cute glasses, his sometimes nonsensical talk, and even the way that he would sometimes adjust his tie. Yes, that’s right, he had a crush on the nerd. Logan. Virgil had a crush on the by who seemed to have no emotion. But he was willing to try.

He grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil and began to write.

 Logan,     I’ve been wanting to tell you all of this for a while now, but I never had the guts to do so. You are probably the best person I have ever met, and I have something to say.     I love you.     I know it seems hard to believe, but it’s the truth. You’re the one that keeps me from being the dark stormy night that nobody wants. You are the clear night sky with so many stars. And I wish I could tell you all this in person. But I can’t.  With love,      Virgil

Virgil read it over a few times, then crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash. It was never good enough. He wished he could be as creative as Roman, or as emotional and funny as Patton, but he wasn’t. He was just… Virgil. He got up from his desk, and walked out of his room to find some piece of mind… or cake.

Logan studied the letter he had wrote, and after trying to make some changes, tossed it away, landing it in the sink. It was hopeless. He could never write a love letter to the star that made him second guess everything he knew about emotion. Virgil. But it was hopeless, seeing as he couldn’t form a single sentence without a fact in it. He muttered a curse under his breath and sighed. He then went to his room and disappeared inside.

Virgil came out into the living room and put up his hood, as it was bright in there. Roman often liked to dwell here, and often insulted him for what he was wearing, or his mood, or even just called him fun names in general. As he looked in the fridge, something in the sink caught his eye. A white ball about the size of his fist, it looked like. When he looked to investigate, it was a crumpled up sheet of paper. Virgil closed the fridge and picked up the paper ball as if it was delicate. Gently, he picked it up and opened it. Inside was a letter.

 Starshine Virgil,     There are over 7 and a half billion smiles in this world, over 15 million eyes in this world, and yet, yours are my absolute favourite. Everytime I see you, my heart feels lighter, as if it’s becoming buoyant in my chest. You make me feel something, that I never thought I’d feel.     Love.     I’ve fallen in love with you, and I can’t get out of it. No matter how hard I try. And yet, somehow, I just don’t want to get out of it. You make me feel brighter and happier than ever.   Forever yours,     Logan

He read it again and again. ‘No… This can’t be real…’ He thought. He walked away from the sink, paper in hand. “Heyyy Nightshade. How’s it going?” Roman had entered the kitchen area, but Virgil just walked past him into his room, shutting the door behind him.

Logan went back to the kitchen area to see if he could find the letter he threw  earlier, but it was nowhere to be seen. And, seeing as he was most convenient, asked Roman. “Have you seen a ball of paper about this big? It landed in the sink, and it’s not there.” Roman thought for a moment. “Not that you mention it, I saw Virgil with one earlier. He seemed really stunned and was quiet. He didn’t even react to the new nickname I gave him. He must have read it.” The color drained out of Logan’s face with those final words. He then walked out quickly to try and find the strange boy.

Virgil read the letter for the umpteenth time now, and he hugged it to his chest as he laid on his bed like a teenage girl. Logan loves him? This is really unreal. Logan never seemed like the type to fall in love with someone. But of all the people, it was him? The dark and stormy night? How? He had so many questions brewing in his head, and he wished there was an answer to all of them. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and he slipped the sheet of paper under his pillow to keep it safe. He opened the door, surprised to see Logan. “You read it didn’t you?” “Huh?” “That crumpled up piece of paper in the sink. Did you read it?” Virgil felt the urge to tell him no, but he didn’t want to lie to his crush. So he just nodded. Logan’s face went red. “Can I… Can I have it back? I… um… I didn’t mean for you to see that and…” “Are you kidding? I don’t want to, because it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever read in my life. I loved it.” Logan’s face turned a new shade of red. “But is it true? All of it?” Logan nodded slowly. “Well I’m going to give you something.” Virgil walked over to his trashcan and picked up the crumpled paper on top. He opened it, smoothed it out, and handed it to Logan. He watched as the nerd’s face changed as he read it, word by word. “Virgil…” He finally spoke after minutes of silence “I love you.” Virgil smiled and wrapped his arms around the blue boy, and whispered in his ear “I love you, too.” They kept their arms wrapped around each other for what seemed like an eternity, but Virgil didn’t mind. He loved every second of it. When they finally pulled away, Logan grabbed Virgil’s face and kissed him gently, being sure to not do anything wrong. And Virgil kissed back. He loved this Nerdy blue boy, and he was never going to let him go.

All done! This is my last story for the night, and it’s probably my best work yet!

Good night!

[tbehartoo]

Besties and Breakups

A/N: Thanks @marichat4lyf for all your help especially the idea for the comfort food idea and @sassyhazelowl for the beta work!

Rating: General

Characters: Juleka and Rose

WC: 1868

Summary: Rose needs some comforting and Juleka knows just what is needed.

Juleka looked at her phone to see who was calling at this time on a Friday night. Rose? That could only mean one thing. She jumped up from the couch already putting on her boots.

“Hey Rosie,” she said grabbing her jacket.

She was expecting the wail but the volume was even louder than she had anticipated.

“Juuuuuuuules!”

Jacket? Check. Helmet? On the table by the door. Keys? In her hand. Remember to grab the backpack!

“He dumped me, Jules!” the sob that followed wrenched at Juleka’s heart.

“I’m sorry, Rose. That really sucks.”

She switched the phone to the other side so that she could use her shoulder to hold it while she locked the door, even if all she could hear were the cries of her friend.

“I thought this guy was different,” Rose said once she’d blown her nose.

“That’s because you always see the best in people, sweetheart. It’s why everyone likes to be around you.” Carefully get down the stairs to the street, now.

“But I thought that this one would be the one. You know, that one that you can’t wait to see first thing in the morning and the last thing at night? The one you can sit in a room with and just be glad they are there with you even if you aren’t talking?” She hiccuped a little. “He was the one! At least I thought so. The one that would want to make a life together with me. I could almost see our children reflected in the depths of his eyes. See us as a little old couple going for slow walks in the park and spoiling the grand kids. Just being together until the end. You know?”

“I know, Rosie,” Juleka said quietly as she straddled the motorcycle. “I’m gonna put you on speaker now. If I lose you I’ll call you right back. Okay?”

There was another small hiccup and then... “Okay.”

Juleka switched on the bluetooth speaker in her helmet. “Are you still there?” she asked as she put her phone in her jacket pocket.

“I’m still here,” Rose said miserably. “I can’t believe that he dumped me just like that.”

“What happened?” Juleka looked for oncoming traffic and pulled out onto the street.

“Well, we were going to a movie and then to dinner,” Rose said.

“Did you even make it to the movie?” Juleka asked, remembering the one one guy that had brought his new girl to the theater for Rose to meet before he dropped her. He had still expected Rose to join them for the date and possibly for other things afterward, and had been completely baffled when she had run out of the cinema.

“Yes,” Rose said. “It wasn’t like with Alexandre, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Juleka snickered. “That was precisely who I was thinking of,” she turned down the street looking for a parking place. “You thought he was the one as well,” she pointed out, “but afterward …”

“Afterward we all realized what an actual creep he was, and that I was lucky to have made it out of his grasp,” Rose said with a sigh.

“Yes,” Juleka said with a firm nod. “He was most assuredly NOT the one for our Rose.” She put down the kickstand and, leaving her helmet on, went into the shop. “And before the creep was the crybaby.”

“Pierre wasn’t a crybaby,” Rose huffed. “He was a sensitive soul.”

“He was always close to tears and would turn them on anytime you didn’t agree with him, Rose,” Juleka said flatly. “He was sensitive only to the needs of Pierre and was willing to make you unhappy if it made his world as he liked it.” She grabbed one of the items she had been looking for and a similar item next to it. “You only liked him because he had that long hair and wore those frilly blouses.”

Rose let out a small giggle. “They weren’t frilly blouses,” she objected but not strenuously.

“They had lace, Rose!” This was an argument they’d had before. “Lace on the collar and the cuff makes it a frilly blouse.” She continued along the shelf till she came to the smaller bottles she’d need. “He dressed like a poet from the 1700’s and went around needing someone to cheer him up because all he saw was what is wrong in the world. He was like your exact opposite,” she chose the three that she knew were Rose’s favorites then had one more aisle to go. “And before the crybaby was the tank,” Juleka said moving the conversation along.

“Jérémy was a very nice, but misunderstood, young man,” Rose objected.

“Rose,” Juleka’s voice managed to sound as if she were peering over her reading glasses while wearing a bun and a severe look of disapproval, “Don’t give me that. Everyone but you could see that he liked to be the biggest and strongest guy in the room because that meant he could hit everyone else harder.” A warm tone came into her voice. “I still love the memory of tiny, little Marinette dropping him to the floor in one hit for what he said to you.”

“Well, we both know that would have been you if Adrien hadn’t been holding you back,” Rose said.

“Trrrrue,” she said distractedly as she reached for her last item. “Remind me to punch Adrien’s arm next time we see him.”

“You’ve asked me to do that everytime we’re supposed to meet up with them,” Rose said with a small laugh. “The poor boy’s arm would have fallen off by now if I actually did it.”

Juleka sighed. “Yeah, I somehow find myself giving him a hug instead of a hit for it. Next week it’ll be both,” she said firmly.

This time Rose had no difficulties laughing at Juleka’s statement. Juleka made it through the store without having to talk to a cashier. She was so glad that self-check out was an option here.

“What about the short, blond hobbit?” Juleka asked. “Why wasn’t he good enough for you?”

Rose sighed. “That one really was a mistake for both of us. Paul had just broken up with Axel, and I’d just broken up with Corentin, and we both had that literature class together.”

“Ah yes,” Juleka said as she got back on her motorcycle. “Rebounded right off each other.”

She got the bike back out into traffic.

Rose sighed. “It’s just that, well so many of our friends have gotten married or engaged, and I’d like to find someone that wants to share their life with me, too. You know?”

“I know,” she said slowly. “But maybe you don’t need to try so hard?” There was silence between them for a moment. “I’m sure there’s someone out there Rosie that wants to be happy with you, too. Maybe they’re trying just as hard to find you, but you just keep missing each other, or you’re not in the right place to really see each other right now. Or maybe your person doesn’t live here yet. Perhaps they are only going to meet you when you’re on one of your family trips.” Rose chuckled. Her mom was notorious for setting her daughter up on impromptu dates in whatever country they were visiting, it made for some very interesting family outings. “I have no doubt that you will find your person. And when you’re with them then all of this heartache will go away and you’ll see that the wait was worth it.”

“But I’m so tired of waiting,” Rose whispered.

The tears were back and Juleka let her cry. Sometimes you just need to let the salty rivers flow. She’d taken to murmuring quiet words of encouragement as Rose apologized for her tears. Rose didn’t often cry, but when she did it was because of deep pain, and Juleka always thought it was best to get the pain out. At one point the small cries turned to deep sobs, and Juleka was annoyed at not being able to be there to hug and rock her friend as she cried.

Finally! The entrance to the parking garage was in view and Juleka could pull into a parking spot reserved for motorcycles. She hurried over to the elevator and pressed the button.

“I’ve got to go now, sweets,” she said gently into her helmet. “See you soon?”

“What? Oh, okay,” Rose sniffled into a tissue before hanging up.

It felt like forever for the doors to open but the car eventually arrived. Juleka stepped inside and had to wait for people to get in and out on nearly every floor. She tapped her booted foot in irritation until the doors opened on the 47th floor.

She had to make nearly a full circuit of the floor to get to #89, but her keys were in her hand and it was but a moment before she was in the apartment and hurrying over to the couch.

There was Rose curled up with the giant black dragon plushie that Juleka had won for her in lycée, dried tear tracks on her cheeks, and red rimmed eyes. The pink and purple throw that Marinette had made Rose for her last birthday was wrapped around her shoulders and it was still slightly shaking. Next to the couch was an overflowing garbage can filled with at least two tissue boxes’ worth of kleenex. Juleka heard Rose noisily blow her nose and couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped.

Rose immediately turned at the sound. Her face almost managed a sincere smile before tears sprang up into her eyes.

“Never fear, your Juleka’s here!” she said as she tackled the little blonde with a huge hug after dropping her helmet on the floor.

“You came!”

“Of course I came,” Juleka said as she drew back far enough to see Rose’s face. “And I’ve brought reinforcements!”

“You don’t mean...” Rose asked

Juleka nodded.

“And did you also get?”

“Yes. Though I still have no idea how you can like it.”

“What about the sprinkles?”

“You think I forgot the sprinkles?” Juleka put a hand to her chest. “I’m shocked. Shocked, dismayed, and hurt that you’d think I’d forget them.”

“Well you do have a track history of-”

“They were out of sprinkles!” She stood up as she headed to the kitchen. “As much as I love you, I cannot make the store just magically have them because you have a need,” she huffed.

Rose laughed and followed her, pulling out bowls and spoons as Juleka unpacked her bag.

“Vanilla ice cream, magic hardening chocolate topping, and sprinkles,” Juleka announced as she pulled each item from the pack.

Rose squealed and gave Juleka another hug. “Thanks Jules!”

“Anything for you,” she said with a smile. “Well, anything except that waxy chocolate topping,” she said as she pulled out another container, this one full of caramel. “Now how about we make our sundae’s and throw on your favorite break up movie?”

“Ice cream and monster movies?” Rose said with a grin. “How did I ever get lucky enough to have you as my friend?”

Juleka shrugged her shoulders. “What are best friends for?”

[solastia]

Beneath The Surface | 5

Chapters: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

Pairing: Jung Hoseok x Reader

Word Count: 5,746

Genre & Warnings: Angst, very sad Hobi Hobi ( I feel like that should be an actual warning lol), some fluff, Jisoo is an annoying bitch and calls everyone Oppa and Unnie, obviously cussing because it’s me. This is mostly an MC character growth chapter, where Sunflower’s past gets resolved so she can move on and be more open to possibilities in her future. 

Notes: I really hate making my Hobi sad, so I hope you guys realize how much work went into this chapter. I literally made myself cry. 

“Hold up, she said what?”

Hoseok gawked in disbelief at Bang PD. He really hoped this was a fucking nightmare because he was ready to wake up. 

“Hoseok, she already told me everything, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t act dumb. I just wish you would have come to me with this sooner so we would have a more concrete game plan. For now, we just have to post a couple of pictures and maybe have Jisoo show up at a concert or something. We’ve already made the official announcement on Twitter.” Bang PD sighed and rubbed his temples like he was forming a migraine. Hoseok felt like he might be developing one as well. 

Bang PD looked at Hoseok with such a disappointed gaze as he waved a paper in the air that he felt like a worm, even if he was innocent of this. 

Bang PD cleared his throat and read the paper. 

“As the leader of Hypnotic, I feel like it is my duty to come clean with any personal matters that may affect my group. So I am happy to announce that I am officially dating Jung Hoseok of BTS and that I will be making it public knowledge.”

“But none of it is true!” Hoseok yelled, slapping his open palm against the desk. He was just so frustrated. Why wouldn’t anyone listen? “I’ve never even said anything to her beyond hello and goodbye. I’ve never been alone with her, I’ve never touched her, and I am certainly not dating her.” 

“Hoseok, can you really blame me for believing this? You’re literally still on lockdown because you got caught sneaking out to see a girl. I hate having to treat you guys like kids, but it is for the good of the entire group. Now we have to deal with this. Hopefully, the fans won’t freak out too much and just accept it. Give it at least a few months, and we’ll announce a split if you’re still set on it.” 

“Of course I’m still set on it. I don’t know or like her. Please, don’t make me do this! Just say it was a mixup or a misunderstanding! I never ask you for anything! The girl that I’m on lockdown for, she cant see this! I’m with her, not Lee Jisoo.” Hoseok pleaded, unable to control the tears anymore. 

Bang PD quietly sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Hoseok. It’s already been announced. As far as the world is concerned, you’re dating Lee Jisoo.”

Hoseok crumbled into the desk chair, shoving his face into his hands as he sobbed. He was so close to being done with everything. So sick of feeling like he wasn’t good enough, sick of not being able to live like a fucking human. And now...now they were taking away his hope. His Sunflower. 

“Don’t be afraid to stand a little closer, you two. This is a couple photo after all.” The photographer chuckled as he pushed Hoseok and Jisoo closer together. 

Hoseok was so uncomfortable, and he’d never been so close to punching a woman in his life. He’d been practically choking on his rage since the moment she’d step foot in the office. Her smug strut and overconfident smirk had him seeing red. He didn’t understand. Why him? She could have pulled this stunt with any of them. Why the hell did she pick him? He’d never done anything to encourage her or piss her off that he knew of. He didn’t know when they’d get a chance to talk alone, but when they did, she’d learn he wasn’t all sunshine and smiles. 

“Achoo!”Jisoo sneezed delicately. Followed by a sniffle, then two more mouse-like sneezes. Hoseok glared down at her only to see her gaze narrowed in on the sunflower pinned to his shirt. 

“I’m terribly sorry, Hoseok Oppa, but that flower has to go. I’m allergic.” Jisoo batted her eyelashes up at him, and his scowl deepened. No way in hell. 

He ignored her and focused on the photographer. He saw her fake smile start to slip a little from the corner of his eye and gained a little bit of satisfaction from that. He tried to zone out enough to where he couldn't hear the annoying sniffling. She could deal with being uncomfortable for a few damn minutes considering she’s fucking with his life. 

“Jisoo, why does it look like you’re crying?” The photographer asked, walking up to them with a slight frown. “I can’t shoot with you looking like that.” 

“It’s just that I’m allergic and can’t be around flowers. Hoseok Oppa has a sunflower on his shirt.” She responded quietly, almost sounding apologetic. 

“Ah, I see. Hoseok, as charming as you look with your flower, we'll have to get rid of it to get through this,” the photographer sighed. 

Hoseok was about to fight to keep it when he saw Manager Sejin shake his head from behind the photographer. Hoseok dropped his head in defeat. Sejin was under orders to add another day to his lockdown everytime he acted out during this whole debacle. With a trembling hand and a weary heart, Hoseok unpinned his sunflower and gave it to Sejin to hold onto for the duration of the shoot. He couldn’t help feeling like it was almost symbolic. 

Seeing Jisoo’s satisfied expression as he got back into position pissed him off, so he let his mask drop. He let every hateful thought, his disgust with this situation and her, and general unhappiness shine through in all its glory. Her eyes widened, and he swore he heard a little gulp. Good.

“Let’s get this over with, yeah? And quit fucking calling me Oppa.” He slipped back into his Jhope persona, smile as wide as the sun, and prayed his Sunflower would see through it. 

“Stop looking so good.” You groaned at the television in frustration. 

After the news with Jisoo, the media had been going crazy, and now every channel you tried to watch had something BTS related. They’d even mentioned it on a cooking show! The news was always paired with yet another stunning picture of Hoseok, and it was driving you mad. You couldn’t get away from him. Even Momo missed him. Anytime something played that had Hoseok’s voice, Momo’s ears would perk up, and he’d give the saddest little whine. You were both pathetically whipped for the man.

Just as you’re about to throw something at your TV in frustration, your friend Nari lets herself into your apartment. She shakes bottles of raspberry soju knowing you’ll let her stay thanks to her offering. You sigh and scoot over, patting the spot next to you on the couch.

“Not that I’m not happy to see you and those lovely bottles, but whatcha doing here?” You ask as you crack open one of the bottles and take a sip. She follows suit and sinks into her seat. 

“You’ve been either moping here at home or working your ass off in the studio, so no one’s seen you in forever. We’re all worried. What’s going on? Can you finally tell me?” Nari asked softly, looking at you with her big brown eyes filled with worry. 

You sigh and decide it’s finally time to clue someone in on all the madness. You’d never told your friends you’d seen Hoseok again after that time at the bar when you’d first met. You’d wanted to respect his privacy, and while you trusted your friends, you’d just wanted him to be safe. God, that seemed like a lifetime ago. And even though you were hurting right now, you still couldn’t find it in you to be regretful about bringing him home that night.

You cuddle up next to Nari and pour it all out. You told her of your date, the time apart, the week you’d worked together. You’d told her that you were head over heels in love with Jung Hoseok. And that it didn’t matter because somehow he was now dating one of the girls you choreographed for. You observed in amusement as her eyes widened with each twist or reddened when she was angry, or you’d perhaps shared a little too much. 

“Y/N. This whole time. I knew you were upset about something, but I assumed it was because of your ex. Holy shit though, JHope and you! I didn’t know you were going through so much. I feel like a horrible friend.” Nari’s face fell, and she threw her legs over your lap and cuddled up to you. You chuckle and pat her head fondly. 

“I’ll be fine.” You reassure her, but she looks at you like she knows that’s a lie.

“I know you say that, but your eyes tell me a different story. The way you talk about him...you never sounded like that with your ex. Like, never. I was never even sure you liked him, let alone loved him. When you talk about Hoseok though? I’m almost envious because he sounds like your soulmate. You really loved him, didn’t you?” 

You should tell her no, keep repeating the lie over and over until it sticks. Instead, you just tell her the truth. “Yes, I did. I still do. I can’t make it stop, and I don’t know if it ever will.” You pat her shins draped across you with a heavy sigh and give her a bittersweet smile. 

“What we need to do is get this Jisoo chick out of the picture,” she declared, causing you to raise an eyebrow in amusement. 

“You sound like you’re in the mafia now.” You laugh. “Besides, she’s an idol. Even if I do work with her, there’s nothing I can do.” 

“I will gladly join the fight.” Nari declares, fist to the sky.

“There’s nothing to fight against. Get your shoes off the couch and stop quoting Hamilton.” You giggle as you push her legs off you and get up. You weren’t as drunk as you wanted to be and the two of you had run out of soju. You were sure you had some wine somewhere around here. 

You were distracted from hunting through your cabinets when you heard a gasp. You quickly turn around to see if Nari was okay. She was staring at her phone in shock. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” You ask, trying to peek. Nari quickly slammed the phone against her chest, blocking it from your view. She looked up at you with alarmed eyes. Clearing her throat, she murmured, “Nothing.” 

“Nari...” You spoke in a flat warning tone. Somehow you knew what you were about to see. “Just show me.” 

With a great show of reluctance, Nari handed you the phone. Right there on the official BTS twitter was a picture. A couple picture. Of Jung Hoseok and Lee Jisoo. 

Your hand was shaking so much that you couldn’t keep the phone still, but you could still make out every detail. Jisoo looked so proud and beautiful as she stood next to him, her tight pale green dress complementing Hoseok’s grey and green suit. He was smiling widely, and you didn’t know if it was just a vain hope that you thought his eyes looks unhappy. Your eyes scanned the picture, feeling like something was missing. You stared, wondering what you were looking for when it suddenly hit you. 

The sunflower. There was no sunflower. 

You scanned the entire picture, thinking maybe they’d told him he couldn’t wear it with that outfit. Perhaps he’d had to hide it somewhere. So you looked at every corner and crevice the picture showed, zooming in on everything. Not only was there no sunflower, there wasn’t even a single flower of any kind in the picture. 

It was over. Hoseok didn’t want you anymore. 

You inhaled shakily and handed Nari back her phone, not meeting her eyes. You push yourself up off the couch and make your way to the kitchen to renew your search for the wine. You needed it now more than ever. 

“Y/N...Do you want to talk about it?” Nari asks tentatively as she walked behind you. 

“No. What’s there to talk about? He’s moved on to someone in his own world, someone his company obviously approves of. He looks happy. That’s all that matters, right?” You answer, voice shakey as you try to keep your emotions in check.

“Stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not,” Nari whispers as she hugs you from behind and the contact makes you break down. You crumble to the floor and Nari follows you down, gathering you up and rocking you gently as you sob. 

Tomorrow, you promise yourself. Tomorrow you’ll go back to being fine. You’ll go to work and pretend that seeing Jisoo doesn’t kill you inside. You’ll go back to trying to live your life without Jung Hoseok in it. 

But tonight you needed to be miserable. Tonight you needed to cry and mourn what was probably the love of your life. So you let Nari play with your hair as you wept all over her until you finally fell into an exhausted sleep and hoped he’d be in your dreams.

You stare at yourself in the dance studio mirror as you wipe the sweat from your face. You’d had the girls working for three hours now, and you were tempted to add another hour in hopes it would wipe the smirk off Jisoo’s face. 

This whole time you’d been wondering how Hoseok and Jisoo had happened. You didn’t even remember them ever talking, but they apparently had because she was looking at you with such venom that there was no way this was about dance practice. 

She knew. 

Jisoo was looking at you with pride and disdain. The look of a woman who’d won. The look of a woman who probably pitied you. If she knew, that meant Hoseok had told her, because you were sure the two of you had been careful enough. Why would he tell her? Did they sit around and laugh behind your back? Were you really so desperate for love that you’d become an easy target? 

“Y/N Unnie, you look distressed. Is everything alright?” Jisoo asked sweetly, her eyes wide and a worried look on her face. The overall effect was ruined by her smirk. 

“Oh, I’m just super Jisoo. Just worried about the choreography. If you were a better dancer, it wouldn’t be an issue, but I’m wondering if I should dumb it down a little. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, sweetie.” You mock in a dulcet tone.

The rage that filled Jisoo’s face made you childishly happy. You turn away and prepare to leave when Jisoo grabs your wrist and digs her overly long nails in. 

“I’m so sorry, Unnie. Maybe now that I have Hoseok Oppa, I’ll get better. It’s amazing what those hips of his can do. But you already know that, don’t you?” She coos, and you have to clench your fist behind you to keep from smacking her. You tear your wrist away, momentarily allowing your irritation to be seen. 

“You are far from the innocent you portray yourself to be," you answer in a monotone. You clench your teeth and hope you can keep your emotions in check. Your job was more important than Jisoo’s enjoyment of your pain. 

“Oh, Unnie. Are you upset that I took your man? Don’t be. I’m doing you a favor after all. Eventually, he would have gotten bored with a nobody like you. He needs someone who understands life as an idol, someone who looks beautiful next to him. Sadly, that’s not you. Don’t worry, I’ll treat him well.” Jisoo smiles evilly. 

“You know, the truth about what a bitch you are is going to come to light, and we’ll see how much of an “Idol” you are then. If I find out this is all fake and you’re hurting my Hobi, I will fucking end you.” You growl, your patience finally nearing its limit. 

Jisoo’s throws her head back and laughs. “You think you can threaten me? You? You’re nothing. Hoseok already told me all about your little camping trip fuck. Said it was the easiest lay of his life.” Jisoo narrowed her eyes at you, searching for signs of weakness. You gave her nothing and quickly turned to storm out of the room. 

“Get back here. I’m not done talking to you, wench!” Jisoo shrieked.

“Sorry. I don’t speak skank.” You taunt as you slam the door behind you. 

You quickly make your way to your car and throw your duffle bag into the seat next to you. You lean back and finally let your tears fall, angrily hitting the steering wheel. You couldn’t remember ever crying this much over anything. You didn’t even cry when your fiance had cheated on you. You didn’t want to cry anymore. 

You wanted to get drunk. 

You start your car and call Nari, ordering her to get the girls together. It was time for a night out. 

It felt bizarre sitting in this club again. The last time you were here was when you were drinking away the fact that it was supposed to be your wedding day and you’d met Hoseok. A night that seemed so long ago when it really wasn’t. Now you were back, mourning your shitty love life yet again. In the same seat at the same table with the same girls. Nari had already told you she’d tried to invite the boys again, but their lockdown was no joke. She hadn’t been able to get a hold of anyone but had left messages letting them know they were here.

You zone out as the girls chat around, your gaze narrowed on the booth that Hoseok had dragged you to that first night. You want to laugh and cry at the same time as you think about all of the stupid “get to know you” questions Hoseok had asked you. Beyond the usual “What’s your favorite color,” he’d also asked ridiculous things like “What cartoon character turns you on the most?” and “What kind of dance style should our firstborn specialize in?” You smirk to yourself when you remember his judgemental look when you’d told him clog dancing was probably going to be pretty popular by then. God, you missed him.

You are brought back to the present when your friend Tiffany pokes your side. “You might want to look over at the bar.” She says, and your eyes follow her pointing finger. 

At first, you don’t see anything out of the ordinary. The usual assortment of greasy men and sad women. A little flicker of hope wants you to believe it’s Hoseok she’s pointing out, but you hadn’t told her anything about him yet so it couldn’t be that. Your eyes flutter across the bodies assembled in front of the bar, and you finally spot who your friend is pointing out. Even from behind you can tell who it is. With a heavy sigh, you observe the man with irritation as he turns around and meets your eyes. 

Your ex-fiance Seon smiles like he’s genuinely happy to see you. When you notice he’s walking towards your table, you nod towards another open booth, not wanting to subject your friends to whatever drama he was about to start. 

“I’ll be right back.” You murmur to your friends, smiling reassuringly at Nari who was looking at you with concern. 

You slide into the booth and stare at Seon. He’d obviously come here straight from work, as he was still in his suit pants and white shirt. You thought he’d maybe lost a little bit of weight and wondered if he was forgetting to eat again. He did that sometimes when they were working on something big at his company. You shook your head and reminded yourself it wasn’t your problem anymore, although five years of worrying about the man in front of you was a hard habit to break. 

You were a little surprised with yourself. You’d imagined various situations where you’d run into him again and you’d always pictured you’d be an emotional wreck. Instead, all you felt was mild irritation and trepidation over whatever he wanted to talk to you about. 

“What are you doing here?” You ask, trying to force yourself to keep a civil tone.

“Work. We’re celebrating closing a huge deal. You remember that one with the CEO from Japan that we’ve been talking about for almost a year? It went through. Probably going to get a promotion after this.”

“Congratulations, Seon. I’m happy for you. I know you’ve been working hard for that one.” You were amazed by much you really meant it. 

“You look good, Angel.” He says softly, smiling as he fidgets with his drink. 

You snort at the use of the nickname. “Did you pull that overused line straight from the post-breakup manual?” 

“Does that exist? I could use that. How to survive breakups for absolute morons.” He joked, and you genuinely laughed. His smile softened as he watched you. You return his stare and just sit in silence for a minute. Seon keeps searching your face like he’s looking for something or memorizing your features.

“Why did you come over here?” You blurt, growing uncomfortable. 

“I wanted to apologize.”

You cock an eyebrow and prepare to say something snarky, but his expression makes you pause. He looked like he was sincere. Of course, you’d thought he was nothing but honest and sincere throughout your entire relationship and look where that got you. Still, you nod for him to continue. 

“I’ve wanted to call you since then to talk to you, but I either chicken out or decide it’s better to just let it be and let you move on with your life. However, I just can’t pass up the chance to tell you how sorry I am. I know that nothing I can say will erase what I did, or how unbelievably stupid I was to do it, but the least I could do is tell you that I regret it so much and that it was never your fault.” 

You bite your lip and soak in his apology. You’d always wondered if you’d done more, if you’d been more, would he have cheated. You’d felt like used trash for months, so this was nice to hear. 

“Thank you.” You whisper, looking down at the remnants of your drink. 

“I just...kinda want to tell you why? I mean, I didn’t go out and choose to do that with a reason clear in my mind, but I’ve been moping around the apartment alone for six months now. Plenty of time for introspection.” 

You look up surprised that he’s willing to give you more. He’d never been the most emotionally open person. You nod and observe as he takes a deep breath before locking eyes with you. 

“I think...it was mostly because I was scared? You know how my parents are. Poster children for a marriage gone wrong. The rumors are that once upon a time they were madly in love. Now they have screaming matches three times a day and make jokes about waiting for each other to die. I just...didnt want that to happen for us. I didn’t want you to wake up one morning and realize you were just waiting to die to get away from me. I didn’t want to see the love in your eyes dim year after year as you realize I’m not worth it. I wanted you to be free to find someone who deserves you more than me, someone who’s not so fucked up. So I kinda subconsciously did that in the hopes of being caught so you’d end it without regrets. I realize that I went about it in a shitty way, but that just proves my point of how I don’t deserve someone as great as you. I should have manned up and told you my fears. Then you could have just hated me for being a coward instead of a cheating coward.” 

To say you’re surprised by everything he’s telling you would be an understatement. This was probably the most you’d ever heard him speak about his feelings. You sigh deeply and grab his hand. 

“I don’t hate you. I was angry, though. So god damn angry. At myself, at you, at the world. I was disappointed. Afraid. I worried that with any future relationship I had I would be waking up every morning and wondering if that was the day they’d grow bored with me too. But I never hated you. It’s hard to really hate someone that you’d spent five years loving.” You tell him as you pat his hand. 

“Never bored. Five years and I was never once bored. Sex with you was always amazing so you can take that off your list right now.” Seon jokes and you giggle and slap his arm away. 

“I just want you to know that I’m not telling you all this because I want you to take me back. In fact, I would be incredibly upset if you did take me back after going through all that to let you find someone better than me. I just...wanted to give us both some closure and I wanted to make sure that you knew that it was absolutely not you. You took such good care of me that six months later I’m still trying to learn how to cook and do laundry. You supported me in everything, and I always appreciated how much you were there for me. I will always, always love you. You were the first person to love me and even if the both of us end up married to someone else in the future, I will always regret never marrying you. I just never thought I deserved your love. The blame is all on me and my issues. Speaking of which, I actually started counseling last month, with the therapist that you told me to look into about my parents. I decided that I probably needed it so that I don’t try to sabotage my relationships again in the future.” 

“That’s great! I’m glad you’re doing that.” You smile at Seon warmly. You were starting to feel a little lighter inside. At least one of your issues was getting resolved. 

Seon chuckles before clearing his throat. “Also, I know it’s a lot to ask, and I totally don’t expect you to take me up on it right away, but I was hoping we could still see each other? I don’t mean see each other, but like, hang out? It’s just...for five years you were not just my girlfriend, but you were also my best friend and my one constant in life. I wake up, and I forget that you’re gone. I start your coffee and toast, put on pants and grab a leash to take Momo out for a walk, and it’s not until I wonder why I can’t find him that I remember you’re not there. I just really miss talking to you. I miss you. And I miss our son. How is Momo?”

“Your son Momo is fine.” You grin. You’d forgotten how he always called Momo his son. “He missed you for awhile. Refused to sleep in his crate unless I put a shirt of yours in there. Look, I can’t promise to be able to easily become your friend again, but I’ll try. And in the meantime, you can have visitations with Momo if you wanted. I’ll admit that beneath the anger, I did miss you too. We did have five years of good memories before that day.” 

“Thank you. You didn’t even have to talk to me, so thank you for listening, and I hope you’ll want to see me again sometime. Thank you, Angel. Goodbye.” Seon’s eyes were suspiciously watery as he grabbed your hand and placed a soft kiss on the back of it. You smile and pat his cheek. 

“Thank you. I was worried I’d be bitter forever. Call me in a couple weeks, and we’ll set a day for you to take Momo to the park or something.” You say as you stand up. You spot bright red out of the corner of your eye as you step away from the booth. Out of curiosity, you glance towards the bright color only to be met with Hoseok’s shocked eyes. He frantically looks between you and Seon, confusion and hurt in his eyes, before hardening his gaze and stomping away. 

“No, HOSEOK. Come back! Shit...” You yell after him, trying to make your way through the sweaty crowd. You spot Nari at the bar and corner her. 

“What are they doing here? I just saw Hoseok?” You shriek, grabbing her by the arm as you keep walking towards the door he exited out of. 

“I guess Sejin saw my texts on their phones since he’s the one holding onto them and decided to give them a free night for good behavior. Most of them are at the booth already. I guess they can’t stay that long tonight though since they have some meeting tomorrow. Come sit, I’m sure he just went to get a drink.” Nari tries to reassure you, no doubt seeing your panicked eyes. 

“No. He saw me talking to Seon. He probably thinks I moved on because of the stupid dating announcement. God, the way he looked at me, Nari. There’s no way that dating thing is real. He looked genuinely hurt. I have to find him. I’ll talk to you later.” 

You storm out of the club, frantically searching for Hoseok. You walk up and down the streets and dark, scary alleys. Your feet were still in your stilettos, and they were in so much pain. There were even bloody blisters on the back of your heels that would make dancing considerably painful for a while. Finally, after an hour and a half of searching, you decide to give up, mostly because you could barely walk anymore. Either he’d found a taxi, or he just didn’t want to be found. 

You head back to the club and search for your friend's table. You wanted to at least try to get one of the boys to relay the message to Hoseok that what he thought he saw wasn’t right. As you finally get close enough to the booth, you see it’s once again a girls-only table. You ask Nari, and she tells you that they’ve all gone home already. Your last option is her, so you tell her to text them all that you needed to talk to Hoseok. You text him yourself as well, although you know the chances of Manager Sejin relaying your messages are slim. 

It’s time to give up and go home, you decide. You say goodbye to your friends, receive a hug and an order from Nari to call her later, and order a taxi. You have him stop at a convince store and buy four bottles of Soju. You were going to need them. You stumble into your apartment in an unhappy daze, stopping to peel your high heels off your blood crusted feet, before plopping onto the couch. You scratch Momo behind his ear and crack open your first bottle, forgoing glasses altogether. Soon enough, your mind starts to blank of everything but Hoseok, and you fall asleep thinking of his dismayed expression.

You couldn’t remember ever feeling this hungover in your life. 

Since the moment you’d woken up and rolled off of the couch to crawl to the bathroom, you’d been throwing up. You’d only made it through two of the Soju bottles before you’d passed out and you usually made your way through six at a time with no problem. You wracked your brain trying to think of what else it could be. Maybe something you ate? It couldn’t be anything else because you just had your...

You weakly grab your phone and find your tracking app. Your last period was two months ago. Right before you’d met Hoseok. 

“Shit...shit...fuck...” You call Nari in a panic, saying two words you’d never said before. It was a code you’d all established back in college when scares were the norm. It meant I need you and bring the stick.

“Code Stork.” 

[gojaimas]

Chapter 38 Comments

public utility: “This is the Ben/Gwen/Lucy threesome fic that Gojaimas refered to: [insert link here]. Gojaimas, you're a pervy LOL”

Also no, that isn’t the one I was talking about. It was a Ben/Lucy thing, not a threesome thing. And jeez, that fic had a lot of spelling errors. I know it’s just porn, but take a little pride in your work for god’s sake. I mean, I didn’t read it. I mean, it was for research I swear. I mean, oh boy...

Guest: “Reading your responses is as engaging as a new chapter. Creating a fanbase is pretty crucial because it can end up being cancer sometimes but yours seem to be awesome, going beyond just Bwen and you deserve it all. Are your social circles aware of your little E-fame or are you too embarrassed to reveal it to em?”

Thank you! Yeah, I’ve been lucky so far with my small fanbase. I haven’t told anyone I’ve been writing this fanfiction, although I do have one friend who knows I ship Ben and Gwen.

Guest: “Lucy having feelings for Gwen is where I kinda can’t put my finger across. I know Gwen doesn’t know or think much about Lucy’s sexuality since her mind is now haunted by Ben and you even mentioned “she vaguely notices it” in one of those our responses. The issue for me here is, you’ve set up Lucy teasing Ben slowly blooming into becoming the real deal from the start, you took 30 chapters for Gwen to come to terms with her feelings and about 15-20 for them to become best friends in the first place. Lucy and Gwen’s friendship always had the sisterly vibe to it and if there was some sort of sexual tension between them then I could buy it but you did it brilliantly with Ben and Lucy and gave the Bency fandom more exposure which I was waiting forever for while simultaneously topping the game of the Bwen fanbase. The first romantic tease I could sense was when Lucy was lying on Gwen’s shoulder on the beach and she jokingly said something along the lines of “you know, with this sunset, this is actually kind of romantic” which lead Gwen to push her off leaving Lucy giggling in the ground and that gained a giggles from me too but those didn’t seem legitimate to me. I mean girls call each other “babe” all the time, compliment each other’s looks, kiss each other on the cheeks, they even grope breasts in anime often but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re into girls. Lucy being that Friend you can share certain things with and always count on even though they can annoy the hell out of you is what seemed liked the bond Lucy and Gwen had. Her now developing feelings for her out of the blue seems unconvincing”

I think the problem you’re having is you’re seeing Lucy’s teasing of Ben differenly than her teasing of Gwen, and you shouldn’t be. Yes, I know girls compliment each other’s looks and whatnot without necessarily being into girls. That’s why Gwen doesn’t really think anything of it and why I didn’t expect my readers to think anything of it either until I let them hear some of Lucy’s thoughts. But now we’ve already heard Lucy say that just because she’s messing with people doesn’t mean she isn’t also serious. If you can accept that her teasing Ben was her way of expressing her growing feelings for him while concealing how serious she was, why can’t you accept that she was doing the same to Gwen? When you think of it that way, it doesn’t seem so out of the blue. I was hoping for it to be somewhat of a surprise, especially since I didn’t think her liking Ben would be surprising to anyone, but I guess I didn’t do that great a job of it.

Gwen and Lucy definitely have that sisterly, “you can tell me anything,” best friend type of relationship right now, and Lucy finds that very important. She’s actually quite afraid of losing that, which is one of the reasons she’s still keeping her feelings a secret. But just because she cares for her one way doesn’t mean she can’t also care for her another way.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your criticism. I can’t exactly go back and sprinkle in more hints for it now, but I hope my explanation will at least help a little.

Robotic Lizard: “Z U C C” Robotic Lizard: “ing*” Robotic Lizard: “ZUCCing*”

Should this mean something to me? Is this a Mark Zuckerberg joke?

Guest: “The title “I wanted what I saw that day” to me as a reader refers to an update.”

Well then I have some good news for you.

Guest: “Despacito Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito Deja que te diga cosas al oído Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo Despacito Quiero desnudarte a besos despacito Firmo en las paredes de tu laberinto Y hacer de tu cuerpo todo un manuscrito (sube, sube, sube) (Sube, sube)”

Guest: “It’s intriguing that Gwen is self concisious about her butt considering a certain episode known as “Forge of Creation” in Ultimate Alien. They run into ten 10 year old Ben through a timeloop or something and as you can tell, 10 years old can be hard to handle. Even 15 Ben acknowledges it and asks “did I used to be this obnoxious?” to which Gwen’s “you have no idea”. At one point, he tries to annoy Gwen by pointing out her butt is huge and the context of the way he said it was an insult although I’d take that as a compliment. Cartoon Network would censor the shit out of it if was aired now”

Hahaha, yeah, I’m familiar with that scene. It was a minor inspiration for Gwen having a complex about that.

Guest: “Gojaimas all I gotta say is gozaimasu”

Arigatou!

Guest: “Since they’re supposed to be 14 now and that means on the transition of puberty, you said we should imagine Ben talking with his Yuri lowethal’s voice then does that mean we gotta imagine Gwen having longer hair, a pony tail? Might sound a little pervy with the way I put it but with a more mature body and most importantly, should we imagine her voice associated with Ashley Johnson instead of Meagan Smith? Meagan Smith was a classic but Ashley did great voice work as Gwen in AF and the sequels, she’s still smart but she’s more calm and composed instead of can’t helping herself from getting aggressive because Ben know exactly how to spruk her nerves and Meagan Smith portrayed that perfectly”

Gwen’s hair is a little bit longer now, but not as long as it was in the sequel series and she still keeps it in the same style, not in a ponytail. Her body has matured more by now, and so has Ben’s. And you should be imagining her with her Ashley Johnson voice, which I pointed out by Lucy saying she sounds just like Ellie from The Last of Us. I still love Meagan Smith’s voice and I think it’s perfect for preteen Gwen, but I think Ashley Johnson’s voice is great as well and it fits better for teenage Gwen.

Guest: “Speaking of voice actor, Troy Baker is the real MVP right up there with Nolan North with voicing Joel and them both giving life to the Drake brothers in Uncharted. I mean, hell, his young Joker voice in Arkham Origins and in Asassult of Arkham (The animated suicide squad movie, still better than the live action one) is the closest resemblance I could see to Mark Hamill’s iconic established voice.”

Oh absolutely, those two are real pros. Although my favorite male voice actor is still probably Dee Bradley Baker. His range is incredible and I got to meet him at Blizzcon a few years ago. He’s a really great guy.

Guest: “Everytime Gwen puked or gagged which she normally would when she saw Ben mockingly but this time because she’s in love with him, all I could think about was the ROBLOX death sound. Yeah please pull a bullet in my mouth. OOF”

That’s rough, buddy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f49ELvryhao

Guest: “Man this new few chapter made me feelin’ like waiting for Infinity War. A part of me loves Marvel and a part of me wants to disintegrate them for killing off our favourite characters, this isn’t a spoiler, we all were expecting someone to die while walking in but all good things come to an end.”

> implying superhero deaths are ever permanent

Guest: “This better end well, in quality,which I’m confident it will so far by your writing skill analysis not necessarily in favour of the characters but I can’t help but say if poor Gwen or Lucy ends up in the doghouse, Gojaimas, I’ll have you know that my dad owns Microsoft so he can ban your club penguin account.”

Joke’s on you. I’ve been banned from Club Penguin since 2012.

[felixeslee]

92 q tag

hello this tag is highkey irrelevant now but it’s been in my drafts for ages so !! laskdgjasodigjsaldkgasodigjasdg which is why i wont b tagging anyone bc im so late but !! yeah !! ok !! !!!!!!!!!1111!!! lets !! go !!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

tagged by @hyuunjins @hyunjinh @straykiz and @dae-hwee from my w1 blog (lmaoo hi pindi this is sarah!! AIddgsdfk if youre aware of this blog but hope its ok if i do it here alskdg ) 

rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. 

🌙 LAST

Drink: the water that I drank this morning!! Aka around 12 hrs ago asdgasdgoij pls stay hydrated kids 

Text Message: i texted my brother if he knew where my dad was lol,,,,,,, sldkjgaosidgj 

Phone Call: CALLED MY BROTHER BC HE WASNT RESPONDING MY TEXTS,,,,, he also didn’t pick up ldskgjsoidgjsldkgsjdg

Song you listened to: Goodbye My Love by Aileeeee <3 lovv 

Time you cried: TODAY ,,,, i was getting super anxious bc i didn’t know where my dad was ??? he was supposed to pick me up but he forgot abt me until like an hr later… sldkgjaosidgj 

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: no :00 lmao i’ve never dated… ever alskdjgaoijsdf 

Kissed someone and regretted it: i havent had my first kiss yet HEH 

Lost someone special: unfortunately, yes :( 

Been depressed: sdgksjadoiglskdfosdijgalskdfaosdigjaksdgoaisdjf idk 

Been drunk and thrown up: lmao i’ve never drank ,,, at all,,,, the smell of alchohol scares me,,,,, evn my little brother has had a sip once and he’s 5 yrs younger LMAO ,,, but im a noob and don’t wanna try sldkgjosidjgs 

🌙 IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yay yes yeslgkdgsdf

Fallen out of love: i dont think i’ve ever evn been in love…. Sdlgksjdoigj 

Met someone who changed you: yes,,,,,,,,, 

Found out who your true friends are: uhhhh idk aslkdgjaosidjf i honestly can never tell when someone’s being a fake friend so!!!!!! Idk honestly lmao

Found out someone was talking about you: i did ! but it wasn’t for anything bad or anything……… they just criticized me behind my back?? But i agreed w their criticism so alsdkjgaosidgj  

🌙 GENERAL

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: ummm,,,, like 4?? We r mutuals evn though none of them r actually kpop blogs,,,, so i always feel guilty spamminig their aesthetic feed w my screaming tags and annoying shit LMAO but i lov them <3 

Do you have any pets?: NO :”( I WANT A DOGGO THO …. REALLY BAD…..

Do you want to change your name?: uhhh ik so many sarahs its not evn funny and my last name is hella basic too????? Theres 3 ppl that share my first+last name in my school alone….. So maybe i’d change it to my chinese name (yue) ?? also bc it sounds more sophisticated,, and i lov anything that makes me sound smarter than the reality of my dumb self LOL 

What time did you wake up this morning: LOL so my alarm rings at 6:40 but i get out of bed at 7:10 SLDGKJSODIF … and i need to get out of the house by 7:20 lsdkgsdoig 

What were you doing last night: physics and apush :SLDGJOSIDFJ the 2 most dreaded classes UGH

Something you cannot wait for: DINNER .. i love me some gud dinner

Have you ever talked to a person named tom?: thomas jefferson my mAN 

What’s getting on your nerves right now: when it’s so heckin cold i can’t concentrate + i hate taking notes when it’s cold??? Bc then my hands r like half numb and it HURTS WHEN I TAKE NOTES sldkgsoidjf ALSO WHEN I DRAW ,,,,, STIFF FINGERS R THE WORST WHEN DRAWING

Blood type: i think a????????????

Nickname: my most common ones r swisso + salad (i promise these make sense in context LOL ) 

Relationship status: return NullPointerException; //im a cs person,,, dont judge

Zodiac sign: capricorn!

Pronouns: she + her

Favorite show: i dont watch many shows but i love watching a gud studio ghibli movie when im feelin down

College: this QUESTION LSDKGJSODIGJ ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i wanna go to college but will any accept me ??!?!

Hair colour: its naturally black but it’s currently dyed ombre from black → brown !!!!!!

Do you have a crush on someone: i havent had a legit crush in 3 yrs lmao……. 

What do you like about yourself: the fact that im a deep sleeper. Idk how light sleepers function omg like wouldn’t u wake up to like,,,,, everything??! :((( that makes me sad bc u hav no idea how much i lov a nice long undisturbed slumber

   🌙 FIRSTS

First surgery: okAY so like i've had 2 procedures done on my eyes lmaooo like (1) when i was a smol beb of like 1 yr old i rolled off my bed aaaannnnddd the corner of my eye hit the edge of the sharp corner of the bedside table!!! and then y1ke$ things got ugly loll (((yes, i wuz dum + clumsy since the day i popped from the womb))) its all stitched up now and i hav a tinie tinie scar aslkdgs okay and (2) there was something weird abt my tearducts LOL so u know when u get sad nd stuff ur nose gets runny and u sniff a lot??? well like that wasn't the case for me bc the passage way from my eyes to my nose was completely blocked off,,,,, which resulted in me lookin like i was full blown cryin like every 2 seconds... like if i kept my eyes open for too long my eyes would get watery and tears would flow out LMAO ,,,, i looked like i just never stopped crying,,, but it was just my eyes were just ALWAYS WATERING sdlgjsdif damn u have no idea after the procedure i was like 'do ppl live like this??? not having to wipe tears every 0.2 sec??? oh my god,,, i am livin THE LIFE' 

First piercing: i hav no piercings!!! Bc stabbing holes thru myself scares me sdlkjgsoidg but i love the way earrings look tho so :///// 

First sport you joined: dance or gymnastics???? I dont rly remember

First vacation: CHINA prob???? 

First pair of sneakers: i think sketchers LMAO ,,, the big thing  

🌙 RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing!!!!!

I’m about to: do som sketches for my AP art class 

Listening to: my dad sing som old chinese folk stuff behind me LOL 

Want kids: i already adopted all 9 members of stray kids tho ??? idk if im ready for more atm 

Get married: LOL This question just reminded me of smol story from my childhood: so like i used to b rly close w these 3 other kids,,,, one other girl and 2 guys,,, and our parents were all rly tight too,, and our four families would just go camping together and it was rly :’’D fun and so we all made a pact that I would marry one of the guys and the other girl would marry the other guy and we’d all go camping together forever but then KINDERGARTEN HIT,,,, we moved schools and yeah im still rly close w the girl but i miss the 4 of us dkgjsodigjsdlkgsdf LOL 

Career: waterbottle 🌙 

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes? Eh idk i just never rly considered lips ?? LOL 

Hugs or kisses: hugs? I dont hav experience w kisses so sldkgjsoidgjsd yike syikes yikes 

Shorter or taller: TALLER

Troublemaker or hesitant: uhhhhh neither??? Like i just want someone playful + extroverted bc im quite introverted,,,,,,,,,, so if he was hesitant we’d just b super awkward and quiet,,, and i don’t like getting involved w sketchy troublemaker shit either LOL ,,, 

Older or younger: as long as they r in the same school grade level,,,, and i guess 1-2 yrs older is okaY? But lowkey freaks me out if too old 

Romantic or spontaneous: sldkgjsoidfj both? Like i lov someone who is unpredictable and spontaneous,,,, but on the other hand im lowkey a helpless romantic lasdkgjaoisdjf 

Sensitive or loud: both i guess too??? Its good to have someone understanding and sensitive but also someone who knows how to have fun  :) 

Hookup or relationship: hookups,,,,,,,, just dont make sense to me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i get attached to someone p easily so even if i dont plan on being attached,,,, i’d probably get attached :(  

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: YIKES no 

Drank hard liquor: nO 

 Lost contacts/glasses: UH I HATE THIS BUT YES….. 

Sex on first date: yikes * (6.02 *10^23) adkgaosidjgaslkdf no thaNK you 

Broken someone’s heart: i dont know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i might’ve but maybe im just not aware ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but on a sidenote i think my old comupter science teacher gets a migrain everytime he sees me LOLLLLLL sdlgjsoidgjsldf 

Been arrested: no,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :0 

Turned someone down: yeah lmao i kinda feel bad tho bc they were all good ppl,,,,  lskjgosidjf but thankfully im still good friends and pretty tight w all of them ~  

🌙 DO YOU BELIEVE

In yourself: ocassionally i try to :’’D

Miracles: lol yes 

Love at first sight: i used to ? but not anymore,,,, like i believe u can be attracted to someone at first sight ?? but i feel like love cannot be attained thru visual contact only asldgjoasidjalsdg

[assbuttyourlife]

When We Were Young - Chapter Fifteen

Pairing : Misha/OFC

Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.

Words : 4895

Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.

WWWY Masterlist

AO3 link

CHAPTER 15 - SKIN TO SKIN

After they entered the hotel room, still without a word, Lily fell down on her bed, feeling exhausted. It wasn't late, but all those emotions drained her, and she still felt extremely guilty to see Misha so upset. The atmosphere in the room was heavy and cold, but Misha broke the silence with his low voice.

"I'll be back soon." She looked up to see him leave the room, probably to go get something to eat. She Just hated everything about herself right now... But she had to do it... right? She didn't even know exactly how she really felt about him. They were in love when they were young, that's for sure, but now? Everything had changed. Nothing could be the same anymore, and obviously he didn't want to face it.

She did what she always did when she wasn't feeling good: Call Katie. She just hoped she wasn't too busy rehearsing.

"Heyyy! what's up Lily-bee?" She picked up right away and just hearing her high and raspy voice made Lily feel better. "Hey Kat! You seem good! Where are you?" "In the cafeteria at work, with David who says hi! Are you with Misha?" "Not right now, he uuh... He went to get some food."

Even through the phone, she couldn't fool Katie who immediately heard something was wrong.

"Is everything okay? You sound weird." "Yeah don't worry, we just kinda had what you could call a... disagreement?" "Again? Let me guess: He doesn't want you to sell the estates." Lily cleared her throat. “He actually doesn't. You're good!”

That happened yesterday, but she actually were glad that she had an excuse not to talk about what really happened. At that moment, she thought about something else that changed between her and Misha: they were fighting a lot more. Of course they had fights too when they were teens, but it was rare, and pretty much everytime about something really stupid. But now, they seem to disagree about everything, and it just proved how much they've changed and nothing could be the same.

“Ah ah, I knew it! He's a sentimental and he keeps tearing up when he talks about his childhood, I knew he would try to make you change your mind about selling. Did he actually succeed?” “No, he didn't. I will definitely sell whether he likes it or not. It's not his decision. It won't be easy for me either, but I have to.” “Lily... Do you realize how much money those properties must be worth?”

Katie had a point... The Litchfield mansion was huge and well preserved even if it needed to be freshen up a little, and the farm was even bigger and still workable despite the half burnt residence that should be fixed. “Probably a few... millions...” Lily pointed out.

Money had never been a problem for her, as far as she could remember, her grandfather and father did such a great job with the farm that they had more than enough and they were privileged enough to help other people, but hearing herself saying “millions” was kind of a shock for her anyway, so she just decided to laugh about it for now.

“I'll buy you a boat.” She chuckled. Katie scoffed. “God... I won't even start to tell you how much you'll be able to do with that kind of money, I guess you already know.” “Yeah, don't bother. So... Can we please change the subject for something... lighter?” She was beginning to feel really uncomfortable and that was not why she called Katie in the first place, she needed to be cheered up.

“Alright, alright. Hey umm... Have you checked Twitter since the convention?” Okay... Twitter was definitely a lighter subject, but she had a very bad feeling when she heard the tone in Katie's voice. “No. Should I?” “You know, you should uuh... you should probably change it and make it more... private.” “Why? What's going on?” “Well... you know how Supernatural fans are about girls and everything...”

Couldn't she be more specific? No, she didn't know anything about those stuffs! “Just... Trust me and change it okay? You don't need to waste your time reading everything. It's worthless.” “Thank you! Now I'm freaking out! I'll check it later.” “I need to go, Lily. David's eyes are getting scary, he's been waiting for me long enough. Call me if you need to talk alright? Love ya!” “Wait! What-” Great... she hung up.

Since Misha was still out, she opened the Twitter app on her phone and checked her timeline. It didn't look that bad, some people wanted to know if it was really her they saw at the convention, some others sent her nice tweets saying they were happy Misha found her back, that they were cute together on stage, that they wanted more stories, and then some... oh...

Some people thought she was lying about her identity just to be close to the cast, she saw someone tweeting that she was just Vicki's girlfriend, but Misha wanted to hide it so he made this old friend/girlfriend story up, others simply sent insults thinking she pretended to be his friend just for his money or fame... and she also saw a tweet saying she just wanted to end his marriage because she was jealous. They sure had a lot of imagination!

Their words were very hurtful though... Attention whore... freak... gold digger...jealous bitch...

She jumped when she heard the lock on the door clicking. Misha walked inside the room, put the food on the table and saw her standing in front of the window like a statue, her phone in her hand and a very annoyed look on her face. “Wow, relax. I took something for you too!”

She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, but no sound got out. She just stayed here with her mouth open, breathing heavily.

“Lily? Don't be so dramatic, I'll get over it. I'm sorry if I reacted so-” She raised her phone and slid her finger on the screen to show him all those tweets about her. He wasn't even surprised.

“Oh... Yeah I could've warned you that could eventually happen.” She felt a wave of wrath growing inside of her. “That's all you have to say???”

He threw the phone down on her bed. “Well, it's unfortunate, but it's part of my life. Some people are just really, really stupid and do that for... I don't even know what for to be honest. I just don't pay attention to them. I'd rather focus on the positive aspect of this fandom to do good things.”

Unbelievable... He talked about it like it was the most normal thing in the world. Was she overreacting? Was she just a drama queen or something?

“Oh, so I am just supposed to shut up and let people insult me in public?” “Well, first you're supposed to make your Twitter more secure, but yeah, just ignore them. Don't let them get to you. You have no idea how many horrors I've read about me, and even about my family, kids included.”

She sat back on her bed and rubbed her face, sighing deeply in defeat. “That a lot of crap for a couple of days.” Misha frowned. “Hey! I don't want you to feel bad about our trip here!”

She stared at him with wide eyes. “Look at us, Misha! We can't stop fighting! We disagree on everything, this is ridiculous! And now this? This whole thing is a complete disaster!”

He sat on his bed, facing her, a bit disappointed she felt that way. “I don't think it is.” “See? Again, we disagree!”

His face fell at her hurtful sarcastic tone and his voice started to raise. “Don't ruin this for me! I enjoy being here with you!” “Naturally, it's my fault again. It was a fucking bad idea in the first place and you know it! We have nothing to do here anymore, among ashes and ghosts of the past! We're not the same persons anymore, we have nothing in common, just face it Misha, and then you'll be able to move on like I did!” She almost screamed.

She sighed heavily, got up of the bed and went to the bathroom, not bothering closing the door behind her as she was just getting her stuff back to put them on her suitcase.

“What are you doing?” Misha followed her. “I'm going back home, where I belong. We've wasted enough time. I should be rehearsing for next weekend's concert and you should be with your family while you're free.” She spat harshly. “Oh, so this is your solution to every problem in your life, uh? Running away? Just like you ran to Europe? That's the only thing you can do? Very brave, Lily!” They were both screaming at each other now, Misha following her every move, ready to jump if she tried to escape.

She opened the dresser and picked her clothes, throwing them angrily in her suitcase without even folding them properly. “Shut up! Don't pretend you know me! You don't! You did, but it's over. It's fucking over, Misha, do you understand that?” Her voice was shaky as she started crying, not because she was sad, but because she was full of rage, trying to make him understand that all of this was useless. She had a hard time closing her suitcase, as it was a big mess inside and she was shaking from anger.

“Do what you want here, take whatever you want, I don't even care. I'll call the agency to sell the houses next week, so you better hurry.” She put her suitcase down and started walking toward the door, taking her jacket and phone on her way. Misha followed her, feeling everything around him crumbling.

“Lily, stop!! Wait!!” He ran to the door so he could reach it before her and stood on the way so she couldn't get out. “Get out of my way!” He didn't move. His jaw clenched and his nostrils flared as he stared at her angrily. “Make me.” His voice was dangerously calm and low now.

In her rage, Lily threw her jacket in his face but he caught it. “Get... the fuck... OUT... OF MY SIGHT!” She yelled, catching every object she could put her hand on and throwing them at him between her words.

Tired of her little scene, Misha stepped forward and caught her right wrist so she would stop throwing things at him. She gasped. “Let me go!” He caught her other wrist, roughly pulled her towards him, spun around and pinned both of her wrists above her head against the front door. She struggled, panting, so he stepped closer to press her whole body between him and the door to keep her from moving and hurt herself.

“You fucking bastard! Get the fuck away from me! Let me go, damn it!!” She screamed, feeling trapped. He got even closer and looked down at her, his face only a few inches from hers, her wrists still pinned above her head. “I can't...” He whispered between clenched teeth. She panted and tried to struggle even more, but he was definitely stronger so she could only writhe a little under his weight, driving him crazy.

He leaned closer and crashed his lips on hers, sucking on them before biting her lower lip, which startled her so she made a strangled noise. He took both of her wrists in his right hand as he needed the left one to grip firmly on her chin and tilted it up so she would look at him in the eyes.

“I just can't let you go, don't you understand that?” He growled before roughly kissing her once more, this time pushing his tongue inside of her mouth.

She was still panting and writhing between him and the door, but she kissed him back, biting his lower lip too. Misha slid his leg between hers and raised his knee up a little so his thigh was now pushing up right between hers, and she completely lost it when she felt the pressure between her legs. Her eyes shut down and her legs almost gave up so he had to let go of her wrists to support her, but he didn't stop. He grabbed her chin once more and tilted her head up.

“Look at me.” She heard the dominance in his voice and felt the wetness between her thighs spreading, as he laid his hand on her hips and slid it under her shirt, now biting on her neck. She gave in, unable to resist him any longer, raising her arms so he could take her shirt off completely, and she went wild when he licked on her neck, right on the spot that he knew made her weak, soon sliding his tongue lower to her chest. She moaned loudly and grinded against his thigh while she touched him everywhere, finally free from his grip. She almost ripped his shirt open, eager to feel the warmth of his skin against her chest after so long.

She couldn't stop touching him, his large shoulders, his firm chest, then she reached further and scratched his back until her hand finally reach his jean's bandwaist, and she plunged under his boxer to squeeze his ass. He groaned and reached for her jeans too, unzipping them quickly. He pulled his leg back from between hers and she whined at the loss. He stopped kissing her and stared hungrily in her eyes while he pulled her jeans down roughly. She helped him by stepping on it and freeing her legs. She was now only in her underwear and this vision made Misha even more eager. He pressed his body to hers and cupped her ass, raising her from the ground, and she instinctively locked her legs around his waist, her head falling back against the door in a thud when she felt his rock hard erection through his jeans. She gripped on his shoulders when he kissed her once more. The kiss was wet and full of tongues, they were just devouring each other. She rolled her hips against his jeans and they both whined at the sensation.

Misha turned around with her still hooked around him, walked to his bed and threw her on it before pulling his pants off while she was laying on her back biting her lower lip. He climbed on the bed, put his hands on her knees and spread her legs before laying down on top of her and leaving open wet kisses on her neck. He reached behind her back to unclasp her bra and she arched to help him. She let out a long and obscene moan when he closed his mouth around her right nipple and sucked hard. She scratched his back one more time and shoved her hand between their bodies, gripping his hard clothed cock to stroke it.

“Ahh!” He grunted and threw his face in the crook of her neck, biting harder, kneading one of her breast in his hand. She pulled down on his boxer, unable to wait any longer. He knelt back on the bed between her thighs to help her, and she licked and bit her lower lip, humming when she saw his thick cock finally free. Of course, Misha did the same and quickly pulled her black panties down too, before observing her body with darkening eyes. His hands caressed up her legs and he bent down to kiss her on the lips. He laid down on top of her and when he felt their naked bodies fully connected, as she wrapped her arms tight around his chest and her legs around his waist, his cock rubbing on her lower stomach, his mood changed, and he kissed her slower and slower, deeper and deeper, realizing he was making love to the woman he missed so much.

He could've kissed her like that forever. It was worth a million words, and he put everything he felt for her in that kiss, sucking on her soft and luscious lower lip, tasting her over and over again. He held her face in his hands and broke the kiss to stare into her green gaze. She stared back at him with shiny eyes and smiled, sliding her hands down to his lower back. She pushed a little and felt the tip of his cock on her now soaking entrance, which caused her head to fall back and her mouth to open without making a sound.

Misha sucked on her neck one more time while thrusting his hips further and entered her slowly until he was fully inside of her, causing her to dig her fingers on his back and moan. He didn't move. He just stopped everything to look at her and appreciate the exquisite feeling of her around him.

“I missed you so damn much.” He whispered. Her eyes reddened and she ran her fingers through his hair. She gently pushed his head down and kissed him slowly. “I missed you too.” She replied softly against his lips. Misha wiped a tear that fell from her eyes with his thumb and stroked her hair back. He gently pressed his lips to hers again and started to thrust slowly. They both stopped kissing to moan in each others mouth, as good as it felt for both of them despite the torturous slow pace of his hips. They stayed with their mouths open, breathing each other's air, while Misha sped up his pace a little and thrust harder, needing more. She moaned at every move.

“Oh... Misha... fuck!” The sounds she made were driving him crazy, so he sped up even more, knowing he wouldn't last long after twenty two years of missing her perfect body. She grabbed his hair with a hand, wrapping her other arm around his chest. The feeling of him inside of her was pure ecstasy. She forgot how good he felt, how thick he was, how perfectly their bodies matched. She whined and swayed her hips under him, her breasts rubbing against his chest. He could feel her hard nipples against him, her arms shaking around his neck, her warm stomach under his, her legs hooked around his waist, her walls twitching around his cock, and the feeling was almost unbearable.

“Come with me.” He purred in her ear and thrust his hips frantically, sucking her neck one more time. “Oohhh god... Misha... Oh fuck... yeah!” She bit her lower lip hard and held onto him even tighter, squeezing her eyes shut.

“Open your eyes, Lily...” He wanted to sink into her gaze while she came, he needed her to see him loving her. The feeling of him thrusting fast and hard inside of her while she was wrapped around his warm and firm body was so unbelievably good that she just wanted to close her eyes to melt in the sensation, but she fought to keep them open and look into his piercing eyes, now almost black from lust, with a hint of blue sparkling emotion.

They both dissolved into pleasure at the same time, staring at each other and screaming each other's names. She felt her walls clenching around his hard cock as his pace became unsteady and he came inside of her, and her eyes rolled back as she cried out his name one more time. He grunted and thrust a few more time, guiding her through her orgasm, and when her moans got lower, he collapsed on top of her, laying his head on her chest to catch his breath. She didn't roll to move him away from her. She needed to melt under his weight and warmth just like she used to do when they were young.

Misha had always been a cuddler, he liked to stay and lay on top of her to cuddle after sex, and apparently it didn't change. He pulled up a little, supported by his elbows on each side of her face, and he looked at her for a while without saying anything.

She opened her eyes and saw him staring at her with awe.

"What?” She whispered. A tender smile slowly grew on his face. “This is no PTSD... This is not because we're here... This is not nostalgia or any other crap. I love you, Lily, and I mean it. I know you're scared, but I'm not. Something... or someone, took us apart for twenty two years while we could've been happy together, and I'm done wasting time.”

She shook her head, closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. “Oh Misha...” she caressed his cheek and traveled to his hair. God how she loved his soft hair!

“The only thing I'm asking you right now, is to not regret this. We'll figure the rest later. Can you do that?”

Her right hand traveled softly from his shoulder to his lower back as she sank into his gaze. She knew she would regret this the second she would be away from him. She would feel terribly guilty and she would probably never be able to look at Vicki in the eyes, but right now... she was happy and complete... She felt like she was sixteen again, and she only wanted to keep him forever.

“I don't know.” She replied honestly.

And this was the exact time Vicki chose to call her husband... Misha's phone rang on the nightstand so he picked up, moving away from Lily in the process, and she sighed, feeling empty again. “Hey Vic, what's up?” Misha answered casually.

Of course, Lily's brain started to work... too much. She was currently naked in the bed of a married man and a father, who was also naked, talking to his wife on the phone right after they had unprotected sex... Nice one, Lily! And she was supposed to not regret it and not think she was a reckless slut after that? She just did what Peter did to her a few weeks ago, except it was even worse for her because she was destroying a whole family... Oh god if Rebecca knew about that... She would hate her for devastating her family. And if her mom could see her right now, she would be so ashamed of her own daughter!

She felt terrible, unable to keep listening to him being all cute while West took the phone because he was missing his daddy, so she got up, picked clean clothes in her super messy suitcase, and went to clean up in the bathroom, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. He was still on the phone, naked in his bed, when she got out, fresh and dressed.

“I don't know yet, we'll probably go to see our old school or something.” She heard him say to Vicki. He looked at her and winked. She went to check her phone on the armchair near the window.

“I gotta go, Vic. Kiss Maison for me. I'll call when she wakes up.” He hung up and went to the bathroom to clean up too. While she waited for him, Lily tried to eat a bit of the chicken salad Misha brought earlier, but all she could hear were the words whore and home wrecker, resonating again and again in her mind, so she gave up eating, feeling nauseous.

When he got out of the bathroom all dressed and ready to go, she observed him, and something bothered her.

“You look like you don't feel an ounce of guilt...” It startled him so he leaned on the table right next to her. “That was fast... I thought you'd reject your guilt a little longer.” She sighed and closed her eyes. “You just fucked another woman and talked to your wife and kid right after and you act like this is totally normal when it's definitely not.”

He crossed his arms. How could he be so insouciant? “That's how you see it?” “That's exactly what it was, Misha! How blind are you?” “I just made love to the woman I was supposed to marry but lost tragically twenty years ago. We are lucky enough to have a second chance, Lily... I won't let that slip away from me without fighting. I tried to stop missing you, to stop loving you, to stop wanting you, but I can't, you hear me? I can't lose you twice.”

Damn it! He knew perfectly how to make her feel like jelly!

“I don't feel guilty because I know what I'm doing. I know Vicki, I'll talk to her. Then I'll figure something out depending on her reaction.” “Depending on her reaction??? She will fly to Seattle with her crying kids who lost their daddy, and she'll get to me and slit my throat while I sleep and expose my head to the world! And she will be RIGHT about it!"

He didn't want to, but he slammed his hand on his mouth and laughed uncontrollably. “Are you fucking laughing? Is this funny to you?” “Your reaction kinda is, yeah! Do you hear yourself? You should avoid anticipating reactions of people you don't know. I'm pretty sure I know what Vicki will do or say, and I can only tell you you're far from the truth.” "No. You will shut up about it and preserve what you have. She doesn't have to know does she?" "Yes, she has to know, first because we are honest with each other about everything, and then because it will happen again."

As appealing and exciting as it sounded in his mouth, she couldn't imagine herself being that kind of woman. "No, Misha. It won't happen again. Consider this a... I don't know... a closure fuck."

He grabbed her arm and forced her to stand facing him. He was still leaning on the table, so he spread his legs and pulled her towards him, then took her chin in his hand and kissed her. Oh god that mouth... She couldn't help but kiss him back, feeling her legs getting weaker and weaker. He left her mouth to look intensely into her eyes.

"It will..." He leaned to suck on her neck. "happen..." He traveled to her ear and tugged on her earlobe with his teeth and her eyes rolled. "again." He pressed her hips to his crotch and she tried to suppress a moan but failed miserably.

"That's it...I'm going to hell." She had a second of lucidity and drew back from him, sitting back on her chair. "Okay, you have a point, I'm weak and you and your fucking perfect body are devilish. That doesn't mean I want that." "Seriously? You're still gonna pretend you don't want us to be together after that? Bullshit!" "I don't know what I want, Misha! Actually yeah... I want us to go back in time and get out of the hospital after the fire with everyone still alive, and we would go to college and get married and be happy like we planned. Can we do that? NO! Every other scenario where I would have to share you or destroy your family is unacceptable."

"Are you done? Who said you would have to share? You're just scared, I understand that, and it's normal. I won't force you to anything, and I won't do anything before talking to Vicki. But unlike you, I know exactly what I want, I will give up only if I know for sure that you don't want it too. But for now... We should go out of this room and have some fresh air to clear our minds. How about we go to the park, then we can go have dinner somewhere, and you know what I would love to do?" Her face turned into a puzzled expression as she squinted her eyes. "I would love to check out of here and spend our last night at the farm."

She almost gasped. "What? There's nothing there! No water, no power... No beds!" "Like I care. I lived like that before, remember?"

Oh snap... Of course she remembered but she hadn't thought about it and now she felt slightly embarrassed and guilty. "Yeah you did but... This is different... I mean... It's wild and full of... Insects and who knows what else and..." He chuckled. "When did you become so townie? You're a countryside girl! Where did your adventurous spirit go?" "It burnt away."

That harsh comment hit Misha like an ice cold shower. "I refuse to let you become that kind of person. We're going, period."

He stood up, put his jacket on, took his suitcase and left the room to go check out at the front desk, taking her with him by the hand. Lily sighed but had no other choice but to follow him... It's gonna be a damn long night.

[themeltedheadaches]

ALL THE ASKS DO IT unless ur too busy #collegelife love u ❤❤❤❤

LOVE U BOO never too busy for u (also using this to procrastinate on my french composition so)

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

i eat my cereal………………….dry…………..

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

YES that’s literally my life now. i love it but also my nose was running today all the way to get coffee in downtown. i was in THREE LAYERS it is not even DECEMBER

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

answered! :)

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

if i’m going to be a bitch and just get plain coffee, i’m gonna get it black bc otherwise i’ll just have a white mocha or a cappuccino or something (the ppl at the campus coffeeshop know who i am. they know my order. “one sin-ful latte coming up!” thank u for fueling my Addition.) i take my tea with milk and sugar if it’s black tea ((earl gray)) or with honey if it’s green tea. if it’s white tea i’ll sometimes have it with sugar, and if it’s something like peppermint or lavender or chamomile i’ll just have it plain. IM A PICKY BITCH

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

i used to be! but now i like it. 

6: do you keep plants?

YES pls pray for them

7: do you name your plants?

answered! :)

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

poetry! i like to watercolor too, actually, though i left them at home :(

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

YES i miss my car bc that’s when i would have Prime Time to sing and hum to myself or along to whatever song i live for at the moment. (i’m into a musical rn and i can’t yell the lyrics out i’m so ANnoyed Always)

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

answered!

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

i have fucking countless at home……. at college there are quite a few too! as in: “hypothetically, vodka?,” “fuckinG,,,WHAT,” “[blow twice] [slurp sound] [tongue click] noice.,” “SHPEAKERSH OHN!,” “over there! like, over there? over there. over there?,” “just going to go kick some nutria,” and of course, the classic, “same, but jewish.” 

12: what’s your favorite planet?

URANUS actually tho it’s uranus. i had to do my planet project on it in the 4th grade and i gave my brother AND mother silent treatment for two days bc they laughed at its name. i’m very protective

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

i saw my favorite puppy on campus again today!! he’s grown so much!! also my poetry professor’s wife had a successful surgery! #GoMeredith 

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

SO MESSY………………….listen. @michelle i’ve seen ur room, and i would just accept that that is how we live now and it’s fine. it would also be aesthetic as fuck tho tbh. full of yarn and animal fur. and books. and junk food #RIFP

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

if saturn’s rings were a meter long, they would be 10000 times thinner than a razorblade! what the fuckkkkkkkkkkk

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

UHHHHH fucking;;;;;;;;what how am i supposed to #represent my italian fmaily with this DISGUSTING question,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, jk i fuckig love risotto, just ur basic bitch peas and cheese risotto and i’ll cry. also?? gnocchi!! holy shiiiiiiiit. 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

my hair has such good color i’d actually rather shave it all off than dye it :/

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

HHHHHHHH yesterday. LITERALLY yesterday. there was a french club meeting that served cheese and bread! so i took my Good Friend WIliam (who is not in french, unlike me), and we walk into the room, and i say “helLO!” bc that’s good manners, when you’re going to just get food and leave, and it’s dead silent. i get food and leave. william has told everyone in our entire hall twice.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

answered!

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

i’m so biased……….but……..brown………..

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

my brown leather one! it’s actually super fake leather and i got it from target!! but it’s cute and small and somehow fits everything i need to put in it, including 3 beers and my wallet and 2 phones last weekend. i’ve had for 4 years now 

22: are you a morning person?

yes! i like waking up early actually 

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

go on youtube and waste time, or walk around campus/downtown with friends, or shop!

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

yes

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my cousin’s RV

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

my brown leather boots! wow there’s a trend here lmao. actually i’ve had two pairs of these bc my first was falling apart?? i used them first in a cosplay……in the 7th grade………..(i was matt from death note and to this day i’m STILL not fucking ashamed, i had the wig and goggles and everything.) i love them and wear them all the time, they’re so comfy and warm and stylish and i feel like a hacker badass everytime i wear them. still to this day.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

bubblegum gives me hives i do Not enjoy it :(

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset!

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

one of my friends down the hall will call things/ppl “cute as pie” completely genuinely!! i love her!!

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

oh yeah

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

i fucking love them thanks end of story. wearing them makes me feel cozy and put together and also atm my dorm floor is Disgusting. i sleep with them when it’s cold and my feet are dry! i have so many fun socks it’s great. i love them. socks are highly underrated.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

my friend and i were driving around evERYWHRE basically, we went from pasadena/san marino to like. hollywood all the way to beverly hills and back and it was wonderful, we stopped 3 times to chase stray cats, take shitty pictures, go to iHop, and almost died several times bc hE SNAPS AND DRIVES at NIGHT on LA FREEWAYS

33: what’s your fave pastry?

croissants, followed by scones, followed by coffeecake 

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

bunny the stuffed bunny! she’s pretty large, like as long as my torso! she’s white fabric with colored fluffy bits and very floppy, loose ears. she has green button eyes that i had my grandma sew on bc otherwise she actually scared me a bit when i was a kid, but i loved her anyway bc my great-grandmother sewed her for me in the first place. bunny still lives on my bed at home! 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

YES! i ddon’t use them very often though bc i feel like i should save them for something. rip me

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

stromae hands down

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

clean….i’m so lazy tho

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

sudden loud noises, being startled, being touched physically when i don’t expect it, someone making assumptions about me, being dismissed, being told what i want or what i’m going to do, borrowing something of mine w/o telling me, being interrupted 

39: what color do you wear the most?

HONESTLY black bc i’m an emo bitch

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

one i’ve been wearing a lot is the fork ring i got from the portland saturday market! it’s literally the tines of a vintage fork separated from the part you hold, sanded down so it’s round, and looped into a ring shape. i fidget with it a lot and it reminds me of my mom and step-dad, bc i got it when i was with them. i wear it mostly everyday tbh

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

new american best friend by olivia gatwood in general, or thick as thieves by megan whalen turner when i re-read it out loud to my mom on the ride up to college

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

yeeeeeeS i have several! the bistro, which is on campus: it’s so comfortable, it has couches everywhere and board games and so many books and zines and the walls are half chalkboard so there’s always art or snark everywhere. the music is super eclectic (it was lorde yesterday, today when i went in it was old-school 90s rap), plus it’s student run so the coffee and pastries and food are SO GOOD. the archive, which is downtown, is really boujee as fuck but it’s SO COOL. it’s so fucking aesthetic, with brown leather stools and uncomfortable booths and vintage books and stuff everywhere. for half the day, it’s a coffeeshop, and after 7, it becomes a bar. then back home, of course, coffee bean and tea leaf is the classic

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

half my hall when we went star tripping at the start of the year!

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

honestly the last time it was genuine was probably around…….january? i was in so much emotional pain and grief, but i was surrounded by family who loved me and were in that same pain and were so happy i was with them to help and be there with them. i wasn’t serene per say, or at peace, but there was this equilibrium….

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yes!

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

my RA told me this one this morning: did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory in france this morning? de-brie everywhere! 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

tomatoes 

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

spiders, YES

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i do…………………….. it was the soundtrack to romeo et juliette (2010)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

everything; stickers, pressed flowers, rocks, receipts 

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

the easiest one is when i think of my roommate, davey the dog’s barking cover of “do the hustle”

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

ew

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

no, yes, no, no, it was okay

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

ME, BITCH

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

chugged an an entire pitcher of water to prove i could, three times

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

genuineness! vulnerability! eye contact! fidgeting!

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

made me feel PUMPED, and of course i did

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

i am both

59: what’s your favorite myth?

uHHHHHHHHHH i love the myth of beowulf actually bc i had to do a project on it once, i have a soft spot for it, i love all myths tho wtf

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

YES,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, recently some of my favorites are the entirety of a montage of a dream deferred by langston hughes, “totem sonnets” by sherman alexie, “on earth we’re briefly gorgeous” by ocean vuong, “one art” by elizabeth bishop

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

stupid gifts are nonexistent :/

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

noooo

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

yes lmao…….i kinda leave them be but i don’t like it if i let someone borrow them and they trash them uGH

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

Pitch Black

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

YES

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

morning glories, lavender, baby’s breath!

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

very good, thankfully, bc i am in oregon

68: what’s winter like where you live?

in LA, it’s cold and sweet and late and breathless and i adore it

69: what are your favorite board games?

jenga, clue, ??

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

NONONONONO

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

peppermint for mornings, earl gray for evenings!

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

yes, sadly

73: what are some of your worst habits?

biting the skin around my fingers, bouncing my knees incessantly, procrastinating on my french compositions……

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

well there’s this amazing person who i met in freshman year german…….;)

75: tell us about your pets!

i WISH

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

yes :(

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

pink of course

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i am the true hateclub: i don’t react. do not give them power. they Feed off of your Hatred

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

get me flowers, surprise me with chocolate, come up to me and compliment me on my writing, etc!!

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

at home my walls are a soft orangey-peach, which is picked bc i love it. here, my walls are very very white, which i did not pick, but am neutral towards.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

circuit-board chips busted open

82: are/were you good in school?

ehhhhhhh

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

MELODRAMA

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

yes! a minimalistic double-delight rose for my great-grandmother, “love ya!” in my grandpa’s handwriting, maybe a nutshell with a crown over it (for the “king of infinite space” bit in hamllet), possibly “soyez réaliste, demandez l’impossible!” (be realistic, demand the impossible!) from the french student revolution in the 60s

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

somewhat, def hawkeye or the young avengers bc i’m basic :/

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

the only one i’ve rlly ever listened to is fucking danger days, so i worship them obviously

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

i think ppl should make their own agendas :/ however, i have deeply loved secondhand lions, up, moonlight, the grand budapest hotel, and other basic bitch things

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

impressionism!! aaaaaaa!!! also just shove me in front of abstract art and i’ll fall for it!!! 

89: are you close to your parents?

so so so so close to my mom and step-dad, on okay terms with my dad

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

listen to me. I LOVE SEATTLE. art! fish market! weird side streets! mean street art! bitchy coffee!! neon everywhere!! a big fuckin needle in the sky!

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

ITALY THIS SUMMER IM SO EXCITED i’m gonna meet all my mom’s friends from her semester abroad that she’s kept, i’m gonna see what she saw when she was my age, i’m gonna see where my dad’s family is from maybe if we go south???, i’m gonna see all the places and things she used to tell me about to get me to dream big and want to see the world and experience what’s out there!! aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

depends on the pasta

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

down bc i’m fucking lazy and also inept when it comes to doing things with hair

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

my friend across the hall from me, who is now 19 years of bitchiness!

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

stay in, study, maybe go to a kickback tho

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

lol i put them off until my computer ceases to function altogether 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

zodiac obviously

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

fucking…….summer?? i did!

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

“feelings” by hayley kiyoko, “vacation town” by the front bottoms, “february” by beach bunny, “hard feelings/loveless” by lorde, “moon river” by henri mancini, “let me in” by flor, “a million miles away” by the plimsoles, “girls like me” by bonnie hayes, “love my way” by the psychedelic furs, the entire legend of zelda soundtrack, “place, je passe” from the mozart l’opera rock soundtrack, etc etc

[spooky-sara-sara]

11 questions

@imnottechsupport holy crap!!! Thank you so much for tagging me this is the first time i do something like this! RULES: -Post the Rules -Answer the questions given to you by the tagger -Write 11 questions of your own -Tag 11 people ~Questions~ 1. If you could have one person with you on a desert island who would it be and why? Oh nooo! These kind of questions kinda makes me nervous, because my first instinct is to choose a loved one, but then i realize that i can't prioritize one over the other, because i feel guilty and horrible! So i'm going for the smartass approach and i'm going to say a very nice boat pilot with a boat so that i can go back to my loved ones. 2. What would be some of the most annoying things about having yourself as a roommate? Man, i'm the worst roommate i coukd ever have! I know myself and i would despise having me as roomate beacause i'm?? So?? Messy??? I leave things around a lot and then i forget where i put them, i leave my bed undone and my laundry in dubious states (is it clean?? Is it not?? The world will never know) andi forget EVERYTHING. I can cook a killer italian meal tho, so at least that's that... 3. Do you have any phobias? YES. Without a doubt i'm arachnophobic and i've a phobia for insects and worms. I hate mannequins and old dolls and i'm slightly agoraphobic. I have a slight fear of the dark and i don't like being alone despite my social anxiety because i get paranoid. That's it?? I think?? 4. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? That's without a doubt the scar i have on my scalp, not because it's something heroic or drammatic but because everytime i tell the story behind it i'm reminded of my own idiocy. I was about 4 or 5, and i had just grasped how to ride a bike (of course one with the two little wheels on it) and i was going to the park with my mom, who was walking right behind me. Now, before the park i was headed to, there was one smaller playground that was just in front of this house with this really big lawn, and a wall (?? Fence?? Idk) made out of sharp stones surrounding it. In that playground that day just happened to have gone playing a kid that was at that time my friend, and when she saw me getting closer, she called me and waved at me. Now, when i saw her waving, my brain forgot that i was going on a bike and decided that i absolutely had to wave back when i told her "ciao" or i would've been rude. ...so i accidentally steared head first into the stone wall. I don't remember every single detail, but i remember that somehow i didn't cry, and at first no one noticed i was bleeding because i had some seriously bright red hair at the time, and only when my mom put my hands on my head she realised i was in fact bleading. But hey, the doctor that gave me stitches was really nice and he had his face paintef like a dog and i got a lollypop out of it for not crying so it wasn't even that bad tbh. 5. What advice would you give to your younger self? Don't set the expectations for the things you do too high, you're human too and you're not doing bad just because you're not doing perfect. Don't worry about changes, most of the times things get better or aren't even that bad to begin with. Don't lose your self-confidence because someone is better than you in the things you're good at. You'll meet some great people along the way, and you'll love them a lot and they'll care for you too, don't worry about the bad ones. DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON LOOKS/THINGS THEY DO/THINGS THEY LIKE, what you are thinking now is just what you were taught to think, your view of things will change with time and often clash with the things you were told, for now, try to look at things by other point of views, you'll regret saying some things later. 6. What’s the most illegal thing you’ve done? Hmm... I changed a mark on my teacher's pc once... is that breaking and entering? i stole a rose bud from an old lady's garden... Theft? Idk I haven't done anything particularly illegal, i'm too anxious amd lazy to get into particularly illegal or dangerous situations. 7. What is the strangest dream you have ever had? I mostly have nightmares honestly, the few "nice" dreams i have are normally stories? In general, my dreams are kind of logic-based, even the unrealistic ones, and they normally follow a certain "logic", but a very strange dream i had, is one from last night actually! I was in this room that kinda looked like a storage room and it was full of white ikea boxes?? And there was a monster made of colored ikead boxes?? And I was a teenager Hela and i was hiding from this monster but it actually didn't do anything because everytime i looked at it it got scared/shy and it literally burst up into single boxes and it hid (despite being visible af because those were the only colored boxes in the entire room) until i looked away. It was cute and usettling at the same time, and it was pretty weird. 8. What was the last song you listened to? Uhm... either Whisper by VIXX LR or Gashina by Sunmi... perhaps My I by Seventeen's Jun and The8, i can't really remember which of the three. 9. What restaurant do you eat at most? Asbsolutely no surprise here, chinese, japanese and korean food are the shit, but if i were to count all the pizza i ate in my life then i proved myself as a living stereotype. 10. What technology from a science fiction movie would you most like to have? A brain storage thing? I hate the idea of having something inplanted that could be controlled by someone or malfunction/get corrupted and fuck with my head, but at least i'd finally have a woRKING MEMORY. Also, i don't know if this is even a thing, if it isn't i'm claiming it as Mine™ is taking pictures by blinking. I used to do this a lot when i was little, if i saw something i liked i literally winked at it and firmly believed that it was forever saved in my head as a picture. I also would kill to record my dreams, so there's that too. 11. Time freezes for everyone but you for one day. What do you do? I... have no idea. I just... do... stuff?? Idk probably just hang, put sticky notes with poops drawn on them all over my school, cover my math teacher's car in flour... I would want to travel maybe but that i can't do as i don't have a driver's licence and everyone else is stuck in time and my first thought is to get money, but again, i'm not one to go for the illegal way so i probably wouldn't do anything like that. In the end i'd play dumb harmless pranks on everyone and enjoy their reaction when time unfroze itself. NOW! My questions: 1- Who is a popular band/singer that everyone likes but you just can't get into? 2-What is your favourite meme? Quick! Share a pun! 3-What are 3 countries you'd like to travel to? 4-What is the strangest thing you believed in as a kid? 5-Do you have a favourite food that you'd eat everyday? What is it? Do you have a food you hate? What is it? 6-Are you a physical book person or a digital book person? Do you like reading at all? 7-What is your favourite book/movie genre? Which piece of media from this genre would you recommend and why? 8-What were the last 3 songs you listened to? 9-Do you have any allergies? 10-What would you tell your younger self? What would you tell your future self? 11-Cats, Dogs or Both? Milk, Tea, or Coffee? I tag: @tsumi-catty, @missinghim, @son-of-joy, @rickyprio05, @delicatesmol, @paucuev, @lauralot89, @flower-kick, @steffanao, @noodlelord98, @leonhartleon (You're not forced to do this if you don't want to btw, i just tought it was a nice little thing) (Excuse me if i made mistakes, english is not my first language)

[wordyvegan123]

Pumpkin

He came on strong. Calling and talking to me for hours on end, constant compliments about how smart, and funny and sexy I was..he would do whole skits and play funny characters and make me laugh endlessly... and  quickly he started saying I was the kind of person that could make him believe in relationships again. 

He agreed with all of my beliefs and loved my voice and wanted to meet. He called me excitedly when his grand niece was born and called every night and sent me sweet texts constantly. Then. Kablooey. He stopped.He disappeared. He got impatient with me when I enquired if he was okay. 

This had happened to me once before with a guy who later told me while laughing that he had been told he had borderline personality. That guy ended up stalking me, physically hurting me, making me afraid to do everyday things like go to the gas station or answer the phone... and he still crops up in my life everytime he gets dumped by his next victim. If I hear the old ringtone my cell phone had at that time I feel sick. 

So...I saw a red flag. When he called he said he had told me how much time  he spends with his friends (almost all female) that he'd missed me, that it was sweet how jealous I was (I wasn't) and how it made him feel loved...and things went back to "normal"....meaning, he felt satiated again and I felt lost and frustrated, wondering why he would withhold himself from me, push me way and then yank me back. He said he planned on visiting me for Valentine's day and I asked for time off work and then he disappeared again. This time he was a little more angry when I asked what was up because I had the gall to be upset at him for  changing plans without saying anything at all. He seemed like he had no genuine emotions at all towards me other than annoyance or anger. Looking back I remember him saying that was all he got from me, annoyance and anger. That projection was part of his expertise in emotional blackmail. 

Somehow I managed to deal with this push-pull game for another 4 months long distance until we finally met in person. I was very upfront with him about my misgivings, how disingenuous I felt he was, but it seemed as if he took that as a challenge to up his game of charm. He really thrived on the game. It was pretty sizzling chemistry in person, but he did feel numb or distant to me, even in bed I wondered where he was emotionally.He behaved more like a porn star. 

When we went to a festival together with a lot of people, he easily got caught up in talking to strangers and would forget I was there. When I'd get bored and walk off to take pictures or go the bathroom or try some kombucha, it took him a good amount of time to even realize I was gone, yet he thought I was "crazy and playing games" and called me a hot mess. I told him it wasn't my job to just stand there and wait for him and he would laugh. I started getting the impression that he had people at his beck and call a lot and being that I had no idea what he did for a living day to day, only a vague idea of what he did in the past, I couldn’t chalk that up to something that might have been related to his work position or career, although my brain did constantly try to figure out where his odd reactions were coming from. That was part of the trap I was falling into... 

So the red flags were everywhere at this point, but we live across the country from each other, so  I went on with my life with him flitting in and out of it. When he visited after a major surgery, things were pretty okay. He was more accepting than anyone should be about the condition of my home which could have been endearing, but made me suspicious. He knew I didn't let anyone come over and he was so insistent that he be in my space. It was like he was researching me and gathering evidence. Meanwhile he wouldn't even tell me his address and anytime I mentioned it he'd laugh as if I was being silly. All my friends told me he was probably married or had a girlfriend. I told him that and he laughed more. He was at his best on that trip, probably because I was really vulnerable and it made me trust him more.

He visited again a couple months later and this time he was really being himself, annoyed that I didn't want him smoking cigars near me when before he acted like he cared, saying I wanted to change him for behaviors he had hidden all along, picking fights in public and yelling REALLY loudly at me and blaming me for all of it.... then acting like it didn't happen later or joking about "MY" blowout, then calling me a hot mess again and saying he loved me and how perfect we were for each other. He was on the next step of making me question my own reality. 

Then we went to Taos for the day and by that night he went into a rage because I asked the bartender if I could bring my chihuahua into the bar if he stayed on my lap. I think he was angry because I asked him to ask them if it was okay... & he had refused for no reason that made any sense to me...I was cold. He gave no explanation. He also didn’t try to cuddle with me to warm me up. He really didn’t like that I went and handled it myself and took it really personally. He was indignant and full on screaming at me in the middle of a bar and I never even rose my voice back. My calmness made him even more enraged. He called me a cunt at least 20 times, probably more that night. He said the only reason people were worried about me at the bar was because I’m white. Obviously I realized I was with a very sick person. I  was shaking inside but kept myself calm and attempted to  pick him up and drive him back to the air bnb but he quickly went into a rage again and I screamed at him to get out of the car. I blew up and tried to push him out when he refused. I left him there and I probably should have made that permanent.

Yet, since he was thousands of miles from home I drove back to get him at the hotel the next morning and he was ALL about how mean I had been to him, how scared he had been and it truly sounded as if he had completely blocked out what he did. Mainly, for my own safety I went along with it, but now I was observing him from outside myself, like one does in a dream. He left for the airport and the whole ridiculous dance continued long-distance, but I cared less and less when he disappeared. His funny skits got repetitive. His memory was terrible and I was always catching him in inconsistencies and then he'd just laugh it off. He kept saying he'd visit and months and months went by. I'd tell him we should just stop talking, because it was all meaningless and fake and then he'd start talking about visiting again. I’d say I deserved better and he’d say no one deserved more than me.

I realized he could stay in this state of fake relationship forever. He seemed happy in that place while I was fractured emotionally and starting to lose my groundedness in my real life. Problem being, if I stopped talking to him he went crazy without his supply, my emotions, anger or hurt, or anything was his fuel. He constantly called me his muse as if it was a compliment, but he was admitting that his only need from me was the emotional feed to his ego.  

When I blocked him on Facebook he lost it and especially when I blocked one of his fake accounts he uses to spy on people. I blocked his phone number and he started emailing, something he never did, probably because he didn’t like a written record of anything? I unblocked his number after a few weeks and he called and he sounded elated. He missed me! He LOVES me! Calling me pumpkin constantly because my parents called me that and he knew it worked, but now it just triggers anxiety and anger. He kept talking about this fantasy future, moving here,  what could he do to get me back (other than therapy),blah blah blah. 

Then, boom, I lost my phone and I asked if he could send me his old one that was sitting in a box, 3 phones ago for him, too old for any of his family to want, and he went into the characteristic narcissistic rage again. I'm living now 6 months without working plumbing because of my financial situation and to him I am being  greedy and ungrateful asking him for his old dusty phone.  I said, I see you now, I'm done. He wanted to call. I said no.no.no.no.no.

Since then I keep getting texts, many full of rage, followed by "oh, silly becca" i get you, you’re a hot mess and I still love you, “sorry, i’ll get therapy”, then "are you ever going to talk to me again?" This time the answer is no. From what I’ve read of this kind of abuse, the only way to be okay is to leave. Even with therapy the person will still lack empathy and will only learn to imitate the healthy behaviors of human beings. There will never be love. There will never be authenticity or loyalty. When someone says they are broken, believe them.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

We got Indian food and it was delivered just as we were all on the verge of passing out because none of us had eaten all day. Myles was over an hour late because his meeting ran late. I went downstairs to get him and he smiled when he saw me and goes, “Someone’s looking good.” I could kiss my hairdresser. He asked what the occasion was and I told him I just wanted a change. We went upstairs and I grabbed glasses for the wine he’d brought over. He also brought a pack of Reese’s with three peanut butter cups in it. He said he got one for each of us but didn’t know if anyone was allergic and was hoping someone was because he wanted one. I laughed so hard I cried. That it so ridiculous. Penny was super tense all day. I know that it’s from being tired and resisting the urge to kill Shahida but it’s becoming irritating. She really just needs to relax a little bit. Shahida and I have also been in a pretty good place lately. We stayed up after Penny went to bed on Thursday talking and I think that really helped. I needed a reminder that this was the girl I talked to everyday over the summer and not the monster currently living in Penny’s head.

We finished the first bottle of wine and watched the Inbetweeners (which Myles has never seen somehow) with Penny attempting to buy us Harry Potter tickets and then getting irritated because we weren’t paying attention and no one would make a decision. London isn’t doing a midnight showing (of course not) so we’re going to a midnight show on Friday instead of Thursday night. I made the executive decision that we needed more alcohol so Myles, Shahida, and I walked down to one of the sketch little off-liscences around the corner. Turns out that this particular sketch little place is where Myles stopped to buy the first bottle of wine. His rapport with the cashier came in handy as it was almost 1 AM and there was no way this guy could legally sell us anything. We walked out with a second bottle of wine anyway.

Myles was wearing these ridiculous slightly furry gloves. He’s totally a baby about the cold but his reason for buying these particular gloves killed me a little. Apperently they make him feel like Grover. As in the Muppet. And when I looked at him in confusion (seriously? Grover?) he goes, “Oh alright, Cookie Monster hands. Whatever your Muppet of choice is.” I was dying. I know he has a seven year old sister but still. Hilarious.

I am doing my damndest to just enjoy being friends with Myles but he makes it difficult. At one point we were randomly counting in different languages and Shahida and Myles counted to like thirty in French. I could not deal. His French accent is actually really good. All I could think about was JGL and how much hotter he is when he speaks French. I thought Myles’s English accent made him hot. OMG him speaking French killed me. He then started counting in German and I had to look away. I have never considered German in any way, shape, or form an attractive language. Thank you, Myles, for ruining that for me.

Penny was all crabby and sleepy so we kept telling her to go to bed, that we didn’t care, don’t stay up on our account, etc. All that did was piss her off some more. I’m almost dreading tonight. She did eventually go shower and then went to bed a little bit after that. I have no idea what time this was. My phone was MIA most of the night and I still don’t have a watch. The three of us continued to drink our bottle of wine and talk about nothing. We ate the Reese’s and Myles literally ate the entire thing in one go. Shahida and I just stared. It was actually kind of hilarious. Oh, and I’m wrong. I’ve been telling people he’s 6'2’’. He said last night that he’s 6'4’’. That makes him an entire foot taller than me (and an inch taller than David Tennant). Oh! He also learned that Shahida and I read/write fanfiction. You could see the comments he wanted to make written all over his face. Jerk. Shahida and I are very touchy-feely in general. If I lean my head on her shoulder she’ll pet my hair, if we’re laying on the couch she’ll usemy legs as a pillow, etc. Everytime we’d jokingly do something like that last nigh Myles would yell, “Make out!” and when we’d respond that we were way to sober for that he’d literally get up to get the bottle of wine. It’s nice to know the boy is still human and would enjoy something like that. I almost mentioned that when he responded to my list of fandoms with, “Torchwood is all gay porn and you know it.”

We decided to put on In Bruges because I’d never seen it and Myles sat in between Shahida and I, throwing a blanket over all three of our legs. Shahida and I finished out glasses of wine and then split the rest of Myles’s because he said he wasn’t going to finish his. Wuss. I’m not entirely sure what was going on in the movie besides Colin Firth (or was it Colin Farrell?) being adorable and Irish and Mad-Eye Moody enjoying culture but I was enjoying watching Myles smile and laugh soflty to himself the minute before something funny happened because he knew it was coming. I eventually couldn’t keep my eyes open and dozed off against his shoulder. Before I fell alseep I took a breathe and all I could smell was Myles. He legitimately doesn’t smell like any other guy I’ve smelt before, as creepy/weird as that sounds. Oooohh. I knew something was off. I just realised that the reason I notcied how he smelled was because he did smell different. He does have a cologne or whatever that he wears out normally but he wasn’t wearing it last night. Now it makes sense. Now I feel like less of a weirdo for noticing the way he smelled so acutely last night.

Shahida and I both had to be up early so we went to bed around 3 AM and left Myles on the couch. We got into bed and the boy had texted her with “hi” and nothing else. From the other room. The hilarious thing is that we’d just been talking about how much we missed talking to guys at night. Those phone calls that last four or five hours while you’re lying in bed with your eyes closed, where you talk about everything and nothing just to be closer to the person on the other end of the phone. We both kind of fell asleep as we were talking and then were woken up about an hour later by what was either their obnoxious next door neighbors coming home, Myles talking loudly to someone of the phone, or a combination of both. It was probably just her neighbors but someone sounded just like Myles and I was irriatingly angry. The bad thing is that I wasn’t mad I’d been woken up. I was mad that he was on the phone with someone at 4 AM and it wasn’t one of us. I literally couldn’t sleep I was so annoyed. I did eventually doze off by never fully and then woke up properly at 5:15 AM. Shahida rolled over and smacked me as she stretched and then we were both awake. I was so tired I couldn’t sleep. When her alarm went off at 8:30 I almost attacked the phone. So too fucking early.

I was slightly hungover but I think most of that is from not sleeping. I’m still in this fucking library and hating my life but I have about half hour left anf then I’m going home and sleeping forever. I don’t give a shit if my roommate and her boyfriend and still there. My room too bitches. I’m in the sort of mood where I wanted to curl up on the couch with Myles this morning and never leave. I once again had a good time counting the shirts left on the floor (well, chair this time) and realising through a process of emlimnation that there couldn’t be any left on his body if there were three different shirts taken off (seriously though, who is he Sheldon? Or the 10th Doctor I guess. God he needs to be less comparable to fictional characters I find attractive).

I’m not sure how much progress I’m making in getting over him but judging by the number of times I’ve said his name in this post I’m going to go with not very well.