#friend drama

[femmefatalevibe]

how do i deal with an overcompetitive best friend? Shes usually the top student of our class btw. She looks to see where i've reached in my studies by looking at my books while studying, she tries to fact-check some of the stuff i say and talks loudly abt the mistakes i made in my wording of my sentences. She also gets visibly upset and quiet when i get stuff right or start studying in class. Do you think she's aware if her actions + any tips?

Most people's bad behavior is a reflection of their inner turmoil, not an accurate reflection of your behavior/actions/qualities – unless there's some sort of direct action(s)/comment(s) you made that could be their rationale for their attitude toward you.

There's a good chance she prioritizes her status as an academic achiever and her success in this area blinds her to any sense of social graces/empathy towards others in this area of her life. This could mean she bases her identity primarily on her intellect/being the highest achiever vs. interpersonal relationships/image (not a good thing per se, but a possibility to consider).

To determine whether this rude behavior is in any way personal (she does it only to you or to anyone who displays academic prowess/success), you will need to speak to her. Explain to her that it makes you upset when she does "XYZ" behaviors (like loudly announcing your mistakes), and ask her why she feels the need to do this?

If she gets defensive when you say that you enjoy learning and understanding the material too and, as a friend, you should be hyping each other up, distance yourself from her. It is not personal, but you can't tell someone to prioritize their relationships over their ego – they need to make that decision for themself. If she gets embarrassed/apologetic, congrats on building a stronger friendship and helping others gain higher levels of self-awareness.

Hope this helps xx

[the-bimbo-bunny]

okay y'all listen

TLDR: my friend who was the Aziraphale to my Crowley did the same thing Azi did at the end of season 2 (but worse) and it ended up only validating my kin

for almost 20 years (I'm 23) I had a best friend who ended up kinda being my Aziraphale friend. after basically our whole lives of being friends we both got really into Good Omens, they borrowed my book, we binged season 1 together, and (after it being announced years later) anxiously awaited season 2 to binge as well. after season 2 we only resonated with the characters more and it became a really comforting bit calling each other Aziraphale and Crowley (we're neurodivergent and got attached to the fictional characters, sue me) It was very wholesome and fun, and I mean hell they even threw me a Good Omens and Jimmy Buffett themed surprise party (again, neurodivergent)

like dude they even made me this cake!

then like a week later they literally did the worst thing they could've possibly done (not going into detail here) and just up and abandoned me and everyone else for something that is genuinely hopeless and they're the only one not able to see it.

so, obviously we're all heartbroken bc we lost someone who meant the world to us, but uhhhhhhh

weirdest fucking way to validate my kin but like damn okay, ig I am Crowley lmao

[evilynapple]

it’s time for realizing that sometimes i just gotta suffer through drama even if I didn’t cause it

[akaessi]

in love with the idea of befriending the people around me and becoming real friends and then I have a conversation with some of them and it's like, "Oh, you don't actually have any interest in being my friend, you're just entertaining me."

._.

[pynkhues]

This is like no pressure at all to answer but in your post about working on fanfic a chapter three was mentioned and when I looked at your recent works it would appear that the hellcheer fic would be eligible for a chapter 3 👀

Also I’ve noticed a lot of stranger things gifs so just wondering if I should allow myself to start getting excited? I absolutely loved that fic so my fingers are crossed! But everything you write is incredible so even if it’s not something from a fandom I’m in, I know somebody out there will be thrilled 🤍🤍

Ah! Yes! It is my Hellcheer fic - I hadn't even realised it'd been so long since I updated it, but it's genuinely been so much fun to work on it again. I got bitten by the inspiration bug about a month ago, and ended up replotting it and feel really good about the tweaks I've made to the story overall and especially good about this new chapter (and the next one, haha).

I was really ready to tidy up the last scene and post it the other night, but had an unexpected phone call from a friend who's needed some pretty extensive emotional support over the last few days. Things have settled down a bit though now, so I'm aiming to tidy up that scene and post tomorrow. Hope it lives up to your expectations, and thank you for your lovely words! 💖

[hobohobgoblim]

I can't tell why, but one of my oldest dearest friends decided that my pain from a recent injury plus my transition meant that I was selfish and took her for granted.

Because after dancing on a busted knee for hours and being in a lot of pain I said no.

I'm starting to think that being my real self is going to cost me friendships I made as the old me.

[6knotty6thotty6]

Non-Furry (Normie) Friends

There’s a tweet that’s been circling around that’s caused some interesting discourse. 

Here’s the tweet (along with the sub-tweets due to the character limit):

“Every furry should have at least a couple of boring normie friends to keep themselves grounded in reality tbh. 

Generally speaking, I don’t think it’s wise to surround yourself ONLY with people that exist within your niche. Diverse friends is good, I like my boring friends :)

This was meant to be interpreted as “sometimes hang out with people who like boring stuff like sports and cars”

This doesn’t mean you should try to be friends with conservatives and bigots, thas a completely different discussion

aight i see now. my biggest mistake was using the word "boring". obviously these normie friends should still have common interests you guys share. i mainly meant people who arent all about anthro animals/do not associate with the furry fandom. thats all. muting this now.”

This tweet is a mixed bag for me. Obviously, I don’t blame the writer of this tweet. Character limits make any intelligent discussion borderline impossible without just copying and pasting a twitlonger. Some of the comments though show me that some people just fail to realize why some people joined the fandom in the first place. 

At the risk of sounding cheeky, the answer is most of us joined the fandom BECAUSE we couldn’t make “normie” friends. Here are some reasons why:

1. Some people live in small towns where public transportation and sidewalks either don’t exist or are only available in cities. Gas is more expensive than ever, so driving to see friends isn’t a sustainable option. Befriending co-workers is an option, but certain workspaces are so hostel and competitive, it makes friendships more of a liability. It's even harder if you're a different age, race, gender, sexuality, etc from the majority of your co-workers. This is an example of how even "normies" don't like making friends out of their comfort zone. These are especially true with jobs in Corporate America when bosses will hold promotions over people’s heads and force them to see their co-workers as enemies to gain superiority over. Social spaces that don’t require spending money, in general, are almost nonexistent. So if you’re too poor to afford to hang out at bars, coffee shops, or gyms, then there really aren’t that many good options for adults to just hang out and meet people. There are clubs for adults, but almost of them require money for entry, and again the ability to transport yourself there. Volunteering is also an option, but some people's jobs are so time-consuming and stressful, that people are too exhausted to spend energy anywhere else.

2. Many furries were traumatized by non-furries from being bullied in school. Even now in 2023, kids are still being bullied for being furries. School can be a real social nightmare for children who aren’t considered “normal.” Any iota of difference can be grounds for bullying. I’m sure a lot of people had that one “weird kid” in their school that everyone was told to say away from. I doubt that “weird kid” was gonna grow up to be a social butterfly. Cliques are also a big deal. If you weren't in a clique, you didn't have friends. I didn’t fit into any cliques in my high school. I wasn’t smart enough to hang around the AP kids. I was rejected by several sports teams for not being able to keep up, so hanging out with the sporty kids was out. I was in band, but the teachers discouraged socializing as it was a distraction from practice, and I was too much of a teacher’s pet to disobey the rules. I was also an introvert. People in general don’t have much sympathy for introverts, especially if they’re not neurodivergent. People often tell us “Just stop being shy” or “just walk up and talk to people, it’s not that hard” when we lament how hard it is to make friends. Some real bootstrap mentality and victim-blaming rhetoric. When you add having niche interest, or god forbid interests outside of your assigned race/gender, then it's no wonder many teenagers end up feeling lonely. 

3. On that topic, being disabled and neurodivergent also makes finding nonfurry friends extremely challenging. We sadly still live in an ableist society where the vast majority of people think you can just buy some magic pills that’ll make you feel normal. If people either chose not to do that, or can’t due to lack of money, then they’re seen as selfish/lazy and deserving of being alone. Even though I’m neurotypical, it doesn’t take a genius to do some basic research to see why it’s not easy for neurodivergents people to just “act normal.” Even when neurodivergent try explain themselves, people either don’t listen or still treat them as lesser because they’re “too difficult to deal with.” For neurotypicals, “acting normal” is as second nature as breathing. So meeting other people who can’t do it, causes a lot of judgment and even resentment. "Acting normal" for some people can feel like playing 5d chess with quantum physics. This is the same struggles that cause some people to become hikikomoris. Hikikomoris are seen as losers who are too lazy or selfish to fix themselves. In reality, a lot of them are just mentally ill and/or neurodivergent people whom no one made any effort to understand. Instead of receiving help, they got left behind with nowhere to go but the internet. 

Reminds me of another tweet I saw months before the current one (written by an autistic furry):

“i get so comfortable and caught up in the "normalcy" of my social groups and my every day lifestyle and get violently snapped back to the reality that i am fundamentally Different. trying to have any kind of conversation with a neurotypical feels so very alienating. I spend so much time holed up in my little cave talking to my friends and the comfort of it lulls me into a false sense of "...maybe i am fine and okay? my brain works perfectly and i can function well" but any deviation from that is so disastrous to my self and my routine. It just feels like nothing i do or say is the right thing to do or say. and suddenly they're getting mad at me for things i couldn't anticipate. what am i missing? i apparently missed every single warning sign.”

4. It’s no secret that the vast majority of furries are queer. It’s also no secret how queer folks often get treated in the real world. Especially if people are unlucky enough to be queer in the South. For queer people who grew up away from any major cities in conservative households with no access to any transportation, finding anyone who treats you like a human, let alone a friend, can be a real needle in the haystack situation. I'm aromantic asexual and an AFAB non-binary. I have “normie” friends, but all of them are allosexual cis women because they were the only ones who tolerated me. They were nice, but I had little to nothing in common with them outside of caring about our grades. Sexuality is a big deal in high school due to that being the time when everyone is going through puberty. I never cared about dating. So engaging in “who’s the hottest?” “who’s more marriage material?” or “who are you taking to the prom?” banter was impossible. I had to lie about who I was crushing on so people wouldn’t spread roomers that I was a lesbian. I tried being friends with boys, but cis straight teenage boys don’t exactly treat female-presenting people the best, or at least in a non-sexual way.

5. The furry fandom has a level of communal support that "normies" just don’t really provide. Every day I see so many furries promote their friends on their social media pages to help them pay for debt, medical procedures, or just to keep up with bills. Nonfurries don’t really do that. Not to say people's nonfurries have never helped them. It's just that we sadly live in a very individualistic sociality where we’re encouraged to only look out for ourselves. People may make exceptions for their best friends, but it’s unlikely that a community of nonfurries would donate to a random stranger’s GoFundMed compared to furries, especially outside of the internet. People don't open up their doors for official charity associations, let alone strangers asking for donations. The closest you’ll see nonfurries showing any kind of communal support is a church, even then that type of support is only reserved for Christians. It’s also doubtful that they’d pool their money to help a trans person receive gender-affirming surgery. This goes into a bigger discussion about how the concept of communities doesn’t really exist anymore. We live in a very individualistic society where asking for help is a sign of moral failure or weakness, especially if you’re a man. Neighborhoods, especially in the suburbs, are built so it's easy for people to only look out for wherever lives in their home. Everyone else doesn’t matter, or at the very least is second nature. Unless you’re lucky enough to live in a “safe” neighborhood that hosts community events like house parties and BBQs, most people’s neighbors are basically strangers. This is why suburban housewives are prone to feeling isolated and alone. The furry fandom fulfills that need for community that a lot of people were lacking in their personal lives. 

For clarity, I have absolutely nothing against non-furries, or befriending them. I still try to keep up with my "boring normie" friends by sending birthday shoutouts on social media and mailing them Christmas cards. The harsh truth is I’ll never be as close with them as I was in high school since we’re just too different at this point in our lives. They’re all in separate states, have time-consuming career paths, and as previously stated are all allosexual cis women who are either already married with children or dating. It’s just not possible for me to make friends outside of the fandom, at least in my current state. I’ve moved 8 times throughout my life, so I have no childhood friends. I went to college during the peak of the pandemic and took mostly online classes, so I didn’t make any college friends. I live with my mom and have all solitary hobbies. I’ve also mentioned that I’m introverted, so hanging around people irl physically and mentally exhausts me. 

So with all this in mind, I hope it’s easier to understand why most furries aren’t exactly interested in having “normie” friends. The fandom was originally created as a safe haven for people who were rejected by the outside world and had nowhere to go. This sentiment grew even more with social media where people outside of America were able to find a home. I wasn’t able to socialize with anyone my age or have people to call my best friends until I joined the fandom. Also, it’s not fair to think of all furries as the same. Yes, some furries are extremely infantilized, self-centered, and only speak in “uwu” and “owo.” However, in my personal experience, furries are just normal people who happen to indulge in the same hobby. I have furry friends who are STEM majors, work in music, are married with children, and have vastly different queer experiences. I think the fact that all these vastly different people who never would’ve even spoken to each other in real life are united under the same common interest is kinda beautiful. As the world grows more and more hostile towards, well, anyone who’s not a cis het white middle-class man, people need the communal support of the fandom more than ever. Instead of shaming furries who are “terminally online,” we should instead address the larger issue of why our current society is built in a way that makes certain people heavily rely on online spaces for love and support in the first place. 

If “normies” treated each other with the same unjudgemental kindness and support as furries, then the fandom wouldn’t have been created in the first place.

[sparksinger]

one of my (previously) close friends has been ghosting me for the last few months and i really don't know why.

she recently called off her wedding and i messaged to say i was thinking of her and i would be there if she needed anything. i didn't smother her bc i can't imagine the pain and stress she must have been feeling to make that decision.

then she and another bunch of mutual friends all went out for drinks and food together on the day that she was supposed to have gotten married. i wasn't invited and it hurt a little bit, but i thought hey, whatever, she must have had her reasons.

i messaged her to say i hope she had a nice time out and she failed to respond to that.

a few weeks later, the same group of people all went out again and again i wasn't invited.

i messaged her asking if everything was okay and if i had upset her. she assured me i had not and that she was just busy. about a month ago i text her asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and she didn't respond to that.

i understand everybody has shit to deal with in life; personal issues, family, work and a whole multitude of things. but no communication at all is just weird.

this is a friend who i was there for financially (got myself into debt to help her out), there for emotionally and physically.

of course, she does not owe me anything for that. i don't expect somebody to do something for me just bc i did something for them. i did those things bc i cared about her and valued our friendship.

so to be left out in the cold like this...i find it very confusing and hurtful.

just ruminating tonight and yeah.

whatever.

i would have hoped i was past this kind of drama as i approach my 30s. it's giving vibes of not one soul turning up to my 13th birthday party.

oh well. i'm a shit person, and shit people get treated like shit.

[delusionalmaniac]

im doing good im some new shit

been sayin no instead of yes

[pen-of-roses]

Why can’t life have an approval guide like video games

[erggggggggg]

i think it’s finally hitting me that i lost friends this year… sad but i will never beg anyone to stay.

accepting applications for better friends who are actually good to me… 😅

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi femme! I was wondering if you could do something about not talking shit and staying out of drama? Tysmmm I love what you do and you're so amazing <33

Hi love! Thank you so much! This comment made me smile from ear to ear <333

I would say there are a few easy motivators to opt out of gossiping/stay out of drama:

Staying silent in the realm of gossip/drama/people talking shit saves your reputation by default. Opting out of drama is one of the best PR campaigns you can implement for yourself. This strength allows you to pursue/strengthen opportunities, connections, and relationships with those who succumb to this low-brow energy and no longer have access due to their desire for instant gratification

Remember that any energy and time spent investing in drama/gossip correlates to less energy/time you can spend working on yourself, your goals, and the things you enjoy. With this in mind, involving yourself in gossip sounds like a lose-lose situation to me

Staying out of negativity will almost certainly lead you to be a more positive person by default. Like attracts like at the end of the day. Don't let other people's drama, hangups, or issues get you down. You deserve better than that

Hope this helps xx

[justsomerandomgay]

i really need advice!!!!!!

so my best friend is about to break up with his boyfriend (who i’m also friends with). but i kind of want to stay friends with his boyfriend and i almost feel like i would chose his bf over him. i feel awful about it. but his bf has been there for me when i’ve needed someone. my best friend hasn’t been. in fact we got in a major fight about that and didn’t talk for 2 weeks because we had band practice (which is very important to my best friend) and i cancelled the night before because i didn’t feel safe leaving the house because i was in a really bad mental place.

also my best friend doesn’t treat his bf that great. he’s kinda distant and is clearly not as in love with him as his boyfriend is (best friend has admitted to this). and at this point the way he talks about him to me is just shit talking not just venting about his problems anymore. he plans on breaking up with him in about a week or so (waiting about a week after his birthday)

i kind of want to be friends with the bf after the break up even though that might mean losing most of my friends. i’m much closer to these friends. but i don’t know… i just really like this guy (platonically!!!)

but i’m scared i’m just drawn to toxic people and his bf just end up hurting me and i would’ve lost all my friends for nothing. that has happened to me before. and the worst part is, is that he reminds me of the girl i ruined friendships for in the past. not necessarily because of his actions but people of how strongly i feel about him (platonically). i have BPD and i think this dude is becoming my FP 😭 and i’m scared he’s going to end up like the last FP i felt this strongly about. and i don’t want to fuck up my other friendships. but part of me does want to fuck it all up. part of me wants to self sabotage. and i can’t tell what part of me is speaking when i think about wanting to stay friends with his boyfriend after the break up. please give me advice 😭

[evilynapple]

bex hadn’t been sleeping good and just basically had a big panic attack on the bus.

we ended up crashing in her bed, just listening to music with the lights off. felt like old times before life got so complicated. missed this closeness between us. never shoulda let us drift so far. guess we all get wrapped up in bullshit sometimes but bex will always be fam to me. glad she knew to call when she was hurting cause even if everything has been for awhile weird between us of course i am there for her.

[thefloatingwriter]

kinda never want to talk to this person ever again but then i’ll have no fucking friends and that just sounds so fun

[littlethings-inpoetry]

I didn’t think I didn’t think I didn’t think

I’d fill up a poster board

trying to decipher what you just said

I hate you

I was over you; we all were

but I miss you

I think that we all do