#if they fully embrace it in the next eps and continue 2 use it to shoot more dynamic shots and shit id be happy

[teamisc]

I think people hate on the use of cg in csm too much I actually wish they pushed it further.

[leftonraed]

The Night We Met - Episode 7

pairing : Taehyung x OC  genre : bodyguard!au, singleparent!au, idol!au   word count : 5.9 k summary — Everything seems set fair for Taehyung and his niece, except you’re not in the picture much to their dismay. Warnings – smut scenes ahead, nothing too extreme I promise ;] Prologue | ep.1 | ep.2 | ep.3 | ep.4 | ep.5 | ep.6 | ep.7 

It must have been the tenth time Taehyung’s skimming his completed adoption request. His parents who arrived a little while ago let him have some peace and quiet in the short minutes they’ve got left before the hearing.  

His arms are resting on his knees and his hair hides his face from anyone walking down the large hallway. He relaxes his wrists, forcing himself to stare at anything else but the paper in his hands and calm his nerves.

He closes his eyes and tries to think of anything to disconnect from the noise of people buzzing around.

His mind takes him away for a moment, far enough to make his parents’ conversation nothing but a string of indistinct words. He’s being taken back to this morning, back to his earliest thought of the day – you.

He’d instantly conjured up a picture of you as soon as he had felt your arms wrapping around his body beneath the covers. His lips had stretched in a lazy smile while his hands slid down above yours. The feeling of your lips kissing the skin of his nape had thieved a soft groan of pleasure.

He’d turned around, taken his place between your legs, rubbing against their softness in slow moves before seeking your mouth blindly. You’d hugged him tight, answering his kiss just as zealously.

Taehyung isn’t sure how but he can still smell the scent your neck was giving off. It’s like you’re with him all over again.

The needy moan you had let escape once you had felt him pushing deeper within, had had him rolling his hips against yours for the first time, silently requesting more of those.  

The notion of your presence in his embrace was overwhelming. He couldn’t get enough of you.

He’d offered you some respite and buried his face in your neck and hair, thrusting harder, squeezing tighter, inhaling deeply as much as possible.

He could hear you, gasping by his ear while stifling you with his love. Your nails had dug in his back as his name had escaped you in a tired pant. He’d smothered you in a possessive and comforting hold as he had helped you ride out the sudden burst.

He’d followed closely, trapping his throaty grunts in your mouth with a demanding kiss while he was filling you up with more of himself.

Taehyung had never opened his eyes the whole time, he didn’t want to, he wanted to keep you here, underneath and stuck to him simply because it felt right.

Once the pleasurable feeling had worn off, he eventually blinked himself awake, only to be surrounded by a deafening silence and the absence of you.

He felt hot, exhausted and wet. The pillow was sticking to his face uncomfortably when he pulled himself up on his arms to glance down where you were supposed to be. He was left to discover himself in the mess you had driven him to make.

“Taehyung!”

He opens his eyes and looks up in surprise at the loud call from his father.

“You left the poor girl calling for you for a whole minute.”

He recognizes and finally acknowledges Hina’s teacher bent towards him. She had graciously accepted to take part in the hearing in his favor.

“Oh- Hum, I’m- I’m so sorry. I-”

“Don’t worry. I was telling your parents that I’d probably be elsewhere if I was in your shoes.”

“Right,” he trails, smiling awkwardly.

“Your face… It’s hum- a little red, are you okay?”

He shakes his hair in front of his eyes, hiding away in embarrassment, ineluctably forced to remember the last image he had of himself from this morning.

“You sure? You’re getting redder.”

Luckily, she’s cut off by Hina’s sudden burst of joy at his sight, who comes running their way under the smiles of his parents. Her grandparents are walking behind along with Choi Seoyoung.

Just as everyone is done greeting each other, the door leading to the adoption court judge opens welcoming everyone in.

********************************

Now reunited for good, it feels like the past three months away from each other never happened. Taehyung learns to cherish even more the moments in Hina’s company, indirectly ensuring himself he’s still a special place in her heart.

He makes time for her, from now on family will always come first. It took a couple of weeks for Hina to feel safe in his absence again and stop feeling like being him was going to be ephemeral.

On the other hand, Taehyung’s insecurities were directed towards his career, he struggled to make sense of his desires and priorities. Should I take a break? Should I quit? He still very much liked singing and writing music but one thing he was certain of, he’d need to make some changes in their interest.

One day Hina asked where you had gone and he realized all this questioning made him almost forget about you for the longest time ever.

After she had been taken away from him, he’d become aware he had no means to get in touch with you. He’d never needed your phone number because you had always been around. He’d never seen you use one when he came to think about it. He remembered the gym place you worked at but his touring abroad and busy schedule prevented him from visiting it right after you’d left.

He questioned one of the staff members in charge of human resources but the equipment had been improved and the data with any reference to you had been lost.

He just couldn’t believe it. In this day and age, he couldn’t find you. Just like this, you had vanished.

Hina was just as disheartened when he told her. She made him hate his helplessness all the more.  

*********************************

It’s the end of the year.

Parents and children are huddled in front of the school doors, talking animatedly. Taehyung keeps his distance as he ends his chat on the phone with his mother.

“I think I got it the first fifteen times you said it,” he whines. “I’ll give you 4K HD Hina, the singer. Don’t worry. I won’t miss a thing from it. No, still nothing. I don’t think I’ll- we’ll ever see her again. Hm… She tries her best, you know, to not be sad about it but- yeah… It sucks. You should’ve come with dad. It could’ve helped her cheer up a little... I know. Make sure he waits three hours before he takes those pills again.”

The afternoon sunlight is harsh on his eyes when he takes a look and he has to turn around. He’s on his own, save the two or three people lingering outside, on their phones as well.

“You know, your brother must be very thankful to have you.”

Taehyung smiles awkwardly at his feet, shifting his weight.

“I hope she’s not disappointed because it’s just me. I hope he’s watching too, she rehearsed very seriously.” He makes his mother giggle. “I listened to her so many times… I just might as well go and sing with them.”

“You’d look cute.”

“I hope you really don’t plan on doing that. That’s not what I came here for.”

Taehyung turns around instinctively when he hears the sudden voice behind him but the sun hits his face barely letting him see anything even with his eyes covered.

He frowns, blinking as his eyes adjust and freezes.

That dress, he wonders.

The stranger gets closer until the sun is fully hidden behind and Taehyung feels blessed with an even more dazzling view when he recognizes you.

“Mom, I- I’ll call you later.” He trails, locking his phone as he can’t look away.

“Hi,” you say.

You’re here. You came.

You stare back, breaking into a lopsided smile when he’s still not replying.

His mouth opens but nothing comes out.

You wait, the time needed for you to take him in after all those months away and appreciate how he’s changed.

It’s your first time seeing him looking this elegant and formal and it suits him. His hair looks a little shorter. You’re glad to find him doing much better than when you’d left.

Your name is the first thing that he eventually lets out. “You’re here.”

“Of course,” fixing your eyes on him with a soft smile. “I made a promise, remember?”

******************

Taehyung lets you lead the march after you’ve scolded him for making you two late. He finds himself glancing down at your hand holding his and at your back, staring shamelessly at the way the fabric hugs your flawless figure.

“It’s packed.” Your voice snaps him back in reality.

“Shit,” he mutters while looking around. “I promised her I’d sit in the front row.”

“This way,” you say but he doesn’t have time to react as you pull him strongly.

You find a bench on a high level.

“What are you doing? We’re all the way back now.”

“Stop whining and take my hand.” You say after climbing up the bench.

He listens and pulls himself up next to you. From this position, you can see the stage with no hindrance but it’s still quite distant.

The curtains are drawn and a group of toddlers is seen waiting behind. A few of them seem not to have moved away from their assigned position but most are either fooling around or look distressed, seeking their teachers and own parents.

Taehyung and you immediately find Hina, right in the center, standing tall and quiet as she skims the crowd. She slightly frowns when she still can’t see him after a third try until–

“Hina!”

She looks up and gazes further away where she’s heard the sudden call coming from. Her eyes widen at your sight.

You wave energetically ignoring the curious looks you’re drawing to yourself and Taehyung. He is staring as well, surprised. He looks back and feels warmth spreading in his entire being at her happiness.

“You can do this!”

Hina lifts her small arm to wave back, fighting the urge to run to you two.

“Yes, Hina! You can do this! Papa is so proud of you!”

“Thank you dad for your supporting words.” A voice suddenly announces in a microphone and laughter rises in the room making Taehyung turn a bright red while you stifle a chortle.

The voice continues, establishing silence, claiming the beginning of the show as the lights are dimmed.

He remembers to get his phone camera ready before the first notes echo. You never lose sight of Hina.

The children’s voices mingle in a surprisingly good harmony when the first lyrics are heard. You feel your heart thumping loudly in your chest as you listen to them, recognizing the lullaby you used to whisper to Hina so she’d fall asleep back during the trip.

Taehyung falters a quick second when you suddenly clasp your finger around his wrist. Making sure Hina’s still in the frame, he turns his head to look at you, noticing how emotional you’re getting.

***************

Less than an hour later, the show ends to thunderous applause. Taehyung guides you to the side where children come out to join their family. You don't have a chance to think of something to say to each other when you suddenly feel small arms wrapping around your knees in a tight embrace.

You instantly smile at Hina when you see her looking up delighted and crouch down to pick her up.

“Did you miss me?” You feel her nodding against your shoulder while she hugs your neck tight. “I missed you too. So much. You did so well back there. I really loved your singing.”

She leans back to look at you and holds your face to crash kisses all over your cheek under Taehyung’s jubilant gaze.

You put her down but she quickly catches your hand in hers and hugs one of his legs.

He pats the crown of her head and looks up at you. “I’m really glad you made it.”

You share a smile but get interrupted again as a small group of children comes surrounding you three.

“You’we Hina mommy?” asks a little girl, her neat ponytail swinging behind her.

Five pairs of eyes stare up at you in total amazement as small ‘ahhs’ and ‘ohhs’ are heard.

“Hina mommy is so beautiful!” Cheers a little boy, more excited than he should be.

“I’m not-” You begin, a little taken aback, looking for help from Taehyung but he only keeps smiling. He’s taking too much pleasure in seeing you flustered.

“I know.” Hina boasts with closed eyes.

A couple of looks lingers before one of them suddenly suggests playing elsewhere.

You decide to get out of the school when Hina complains about being hungry.

She peeks over his shoulder to ask, “you coming home with daddy and Hina?”

You meet Taehyung’s expectant eyes and your chest squeezes at their seemingly hopeful looks.

“I can’t, I’m sorry. I’ve somewhere to go.”

“I could drive you if you want,” he starts, tilting his head in the direction you guess his car is parked.

“Don’t bother, I-... You remember Shownu? I told him to come get me.”

They pout at the same time and it makes you chuckle lightly at their likeness though Taehyung tries not to look too affected. He’s hesitating and not so sure anymore about what he initially wanted to say.

Hina suddenly turns away from you to frown in his neck.

“What’s that?” He asks when he doesn’t understand her the first time. “You want _____ to come home with us?”

You gaze at the back of her head with a sad smile and meet his gaze in silence.

I’d like that too.  

“Seems like I was right, huh,” he snaps you out of your thoughts. “That dress looks really good on you.”

You look down, blushing a little and nod in agreement. Silence falls again between you. You don’t show any intention to go yet as Taehyung gets lost in his thought.

What are you waiting for?

“CanIgetyournumber?”

“What?” You cock your head.

“Your number? So we can see each other. I mean with Hina too.”

You nod, seemingly accepting his suggestion because the reason he mentioned is a self-evident fact. “Sure.”

You exchange your contact information and you eventually walk away much to his dismay. Hina finally decides to look back when you’re already so far away.

She frowns at your silhouette. “Hina sad.”

“Don’t be, baby,” he cups her cheek to kiss her other one. “We’ll see her again.”

**************************

You’re the one texting first and Taehyung’s glad you do when he’s too upset with himself for not finding the courage to do so. You agree to meet one night and make sure either of you doesn’t do anything the following day because Taehyung wants to invite you to his concert he’s currently holding in the biggest stadium of the country for the whole weekend.

When you arrive half an hour before the beginning, you’re taken to a corridor left inaccessible to fans that leads to a platform positioned in front of the stage and in the middle of the pit above the fans gathered around. You notice some curious look thrown your way.

There you get to meet the CEO of the company Taehyung works for along with some of his employees.

The show is a big hit.

You’ve felt it the first seconds after Taehyung was revealed and the audience roared impressively.

It all feels a little overwhelming but seeing him in this new light makes you feel all kinds of way. You recognize the man you’ve worked for but he seems so foreign. The aura coming from him is nothing you’ve seen before yet has you enticed through his moves, his looks, his voice.

The crowd leaves bit by bit. You remember him telling you to wait for him right where your seat was assigned to you, saying your goodbyes to his boss.

The venue is now empty, you go down the stairs and notice Taehyung down the corridor chatting with someone on his way up.

You exchange a smile.

You shorten the space between you, you watch him eye you from head to toe as his thumb grazes his bottom lip. You look away. He stops before he gets a whiff of your fragrance, eyelids heavy. You take his hand when he stretches it to you.

“I took some time cause I was showering.” He explains pulling you to the parking lot.

You climb in his car.

“You okay with eating out? We can always order something and eat at home if you’re too tired.”

He swivels the wheel with one hand, running the car out of the premises and making the powerful engine roar while looking at you. “Don’t worry about me.”

The silence between you is comfortable but the atmosphere feels heavy with secret intentions.

“I really liked the show by the way,” you say softly while keeping your eyes on the scenery passing by.

“Yeah?”

“Hm,” you turn your head towards him with a playful look. “But I still prefer Hina’s singing.”

“I have to admit, she rehearsed that song more than I ever did my whole discography.”

Dinner is nice and quiet. Taehyung isn’t fond of talking while eating and you're thankful, it allows you to enjoy the food and himself in a comfortable way.

*************************

You’re back in the car and driving away after you’ve agreed to go to his home and see Hina.

“I got my diploma. Last week.” You share, “I’m finally able to work as a personal trainer.”

“Really? Congratulations,” he genuinely exclaims while checking the rearview mirror. “That’s awesome.”

“Yeah, but for some reasons I’ve also managed to get a contract with a model agency? I don’t know where this is coming from.”

“Well, they simply saw potential in you. I mean your body is perfect- I-I- I mean you work hard to stay fit so… They’d miss out if they didn’t take you..” He trails, mentally slapping himself.

You simply smile to yourself.

************************

The door unlocks and you both see Hina and the babysitter he got for the night sitting in the living-room. As soon as Hina notices you, she darts your way to crash against your legs.

“________!!”

“You’re still awake?” Wonders Taehyung, looking down not to step on her toes.

You hug and lift her in your arms after getting rid of your shoes. You greet the young girl as Taehyung takes care of paying her. You hear her letting him know she tried everything in her power to get the little girl to bed as you sit down and cover Hina with kisses and sweet words.

The door closes a little after.

“Come here. Brush your teeth, go pee and right to bed.”

“No!” She challenges with a frown at him. “I staying with ________.”

He calls her name with a strict tone making her pout and you can’t help but hug her protectively.

“Let me take care of it,” you suggest softly to him.

You carry out her nighttime routine like you used to, noticing how independent she has become which makes you yearn younger Hina.

You let her lead the march to her room, meeting Taehyung on the way and chuckles when she closes the door to prevent him from interrupting your time together.

“Do you want me to read you a book?” You smile once she settles under her covers.

She shakes her head and reaches for your hand. You understand she wants you to lie next to her. You indulge without a word.

“_______,” her voice is already filled with sleep some time after you’ve started running your fingers through her silky hair. “You staying with Hina foweve’?”

You hum back.

“Daddy likes ______.”

You look down at her, smiling faintly.

“He says it a lot. Hina likes _______ mowe.”

You squeeze her gently against you.

“________?” She’s speaking more slowly now. “Pwomise... mommy staying with Hina... and daddy... foweve’.”

***************

“Sleeping?”

You noticed Taehyung’s already changed in his sleepwear. You nod while closing her door as quietly as possible. “Like a log.”

He stands up before you get the chance to get close to one of the couches and leads the way to his bedroom.

You wait at the doorstep, watching him browsing clothes inside his wardrobe while in the dark. He shuffles towards you, holding what looks like to be a silky pyjamas.

“I think this will do,” he trails. You take it, thanking him. “You can change here. I was going to open a bottle of wine. You want some?”

You shake your head.

Taehyung walks back in his room when you don't come out, holding one glass and minds turning off the lights on his way.

It takes him a couple of seconds to remark your silhouette on the other side of the curtains, standing in the balcony where you’re enjoying the weak, gentle breeze of this summer night.

He draws one curtain and immediately notices you’ve decided to do without the pants which pulls a knowing smile from him. It shouldn't surprise him. The shirt is long enough to work as a mini dress on you.

You look over your shoulder when you hear the door sliding. He’s staring longer than he’s meaning to but you find it adorable.

He comes to stand right by your side and takes a sip, looking for something to say.

“It’s so quiet.”

“You don’t like it.”

“You should put on some music.” You suggest, tilting your chin towards his phone in his pocket.

“What do you want to listen to?”

“I’m sure you got some exclusive sounds, I could brag about. It’s your chance to upgrade your raking.” You smile when you see him grin too as he goes through files. “You’re not working on anything?”

“I actually am. But it’s a secret for now. I’ve made... thirteen songs. But they’re still very rough. I don’t think we should listen to them.”

“Come on, you know I won’t judge you.”

He looks down with an embarrassed smile, frowning a little. “They’re really not good.”

“I’m not pressuring you. It’s just the two of us now.” You say softly, not breaking eye contact. “We can always find something else.”

He can’t hold your gaze long enough without feeling his face heat up. “Okay, I’ll share one or two.”

You look down at the streets when the first notes are heard, knowing he won’t want to meet your eyes.

“So where’s your manager?” You ask to ease his anxiety. You’re too aware of yourself trying not to sound too interested while keeping your gaze on the cars driving by. “I thought I’d see her at the concert.”

“Uh oh, we’re not working together anymore.” You hum in response. He explains,“conflicts of interests.”

You’re now hearing lyrics sung very softly, setting a comfortable atmosphere. “Does that mean…”

“Yeah, I’m basically managing myself.” He chuckles to himself, smiling a little at you. “I think there’s no other way if I want to live life the way I have in mind.”

You agree silently, not really knowing what to say back.

“I think she liked me. Too much.”

“You didn’t?”

“Of course I enjoyed being with her but not exactly for the same reason I think.”

The song is the only thing heard for a couple of seconds but Taehyung doesn’t seem to be minding it anymore.

“Are you and Shownu…?”

You instantly look up at him when you hear him mentioning his name and rephrase his question when he’s not finishing. “Are we a thing?” He nods slowly once. ”No. No, no, no. I mean he’s nice but... He’s not really… my type.”

He looks away, humming a quick acknowledgement. He finishes his glass. “What’s your type?”

You tilt your head away from him, smiling to yourself. His phone plays the second song.

“I wouldn't know how to describe it. I just know when I meet the person, you know?”

“Yeah, I- Me too.”

You hesitate a little before you speak again.

“Apparently,” you wait for him to look at you to show your innocent eyes. “You like me. A lot.”  

He smiles but doesn’t flee your gaze, “who told you that?”

“I can’t reveal my source,” you turn your head away, closing your eyes. You open one to see him looking at you, amused. “I can only say it has the figure of a…  little snoring cutiekins.”

He shakes his head to himself. “Of course.”

You find yourself staring at his gorgeous-looking profile, admiring the way his perfect hair falls around his face. “So… You like spending time with me?”

“It wasn’t obvious enough?” He gets shy again.

“Honestly, I can’t recall.”

“What?” He asks with surprise. “Are you being serious?”

“I mean, I was working for you. And we weren’t always on our own. Making assumptions about these things would have been wrong on my behalf. Especially with you. I didn’t want to risk my job.”

“I see.”

He looks down at his empty glass then back up at you when he hears you take in a deep breath.

“I also didn’t want to risk never seeing you or Hina ever again.”

You can see something kindle in his dark eyes, rendering you quiet and captivated. He doesn’t seem like he’s moving but you can definitely tell you’re both getting closer and closer.

“And now?” His voice sounds hopeful.

Your eyes gaze up and down, noticing his lips barely agape. “Now?”

You almost freeze when you feel his breath fanning you delicately. You both remain stagnant for a while which seems to last indefinitely, keeping yourselves apart from each other and foreign from what is to come if you were to give in to those tacit, forbidden desires.

Taehyung can feel his heart beating so vividly at the prospect of tasting your lips. You’re right there. Why is he suddenly feeling so bold? Why is he hesitating?

“_____-”

You don’t allow him to finish and choose to be the one to take the plunge.

The kiss is timorous at first, gentle, barely touching, yet ignites, as intimacy settles, a submerging feeling that diffuses into your two beings.

He’s the first to moan, you to grab onto him, each demanding more of that taste you can’t do without now that you’ve quickly come to like it.

You force yourself out of rapture with reluctance, testing the waters and it only draws him back in like a magnet, quietly surrendering to what you started.

His skin is soft against your face but his arms are strong around your back as they secure you against his chest. His scent overwhelms you, almost in a smothering way but it doesn’t feel wrong. It’s simply foreign. You’ve never got to smell so much of him this long, this strongly. You eventually moan in response.

Taehyung pushes his face harder against yours as a result, tilting your heads. He’s euphoric and he can feel it in his stomach, in his heart, in yours the longer he keeps you rooted against his body, sensing them pulsate in unison, frenzied.

You push back, blindly guiding him to one of the two reclining chairs he got settled for whenever good weather presents itself. He lets himself fall down but not too quickly, not if it means he’d have to break apart from you. You can feel him grip the back of your thighs and have your body straddling his.

You notice his mouth reaching again for yours when you eventually pull away for air. He allows you some respite, watching dazed as you rest your forehead against his, smiling to yourself a little.

When you open your eyes, you stare down at your hand beneath which his chest is heaving with desire.

You feel one of his hands reaching for your hip, under his borrowed shirt. Your eyes fall close again and your breath gets caught in your throat once spasms begin taking over your lower region because of the closeness of his touch.

“You okay?” His voice is barely above a whisper and you yearn for more of that intimacy.

You let out a shaky breath you weren’t aware of holding. “It felt good.”

His fingers squeeze you comfortingly. You meet his eyes and your core tightens on its own, hard. It’s dark out here and in spite of that you can see he’s craving you. So badly.

He drags his bottom lip between his teeth, impatiently.

Fuck.

“Kiss me, _______... Please.”

You stare back, fascinated by so much beauty and yearning. Your mouth falls agape and his eyes instantly glance down.

You chuckle lightly, “if someone saw us right now. You’d be in so much trouble.”

“I don’t fucking care.” He replies immediately, grabbing onto the nape of your neck. Your lips remain at a hair breadth from his now.

You never thought your self-control to be that easily challenged, you want to laugh at yourself. Who would’ve thought?

You poke your tongue to lick his bottom lip looking so inviting, leading him to capture your mouth in a deep kiss. You weave your fingers into his smooth locks, tugging them at the first caress of his tongue around yours.

Yes, you instantly think, fuck them all. This is what matters.

Your other hand takes his off your neck to have it latch on one of your breasts. He’s closing it gently around at the touch of it.

You break the sloppy kiss to trail wet pecks along his jaw and beneath his ear. You hastily unbutton the shirt. “Put your hands on me, Tae.”

He slides an arm around the small of your back at the sight of your bare torso for him to feast on and guides your crotch to push down against his.

Your heart suffers another sudden fit of palpitation at the feeling of his arousal pressing promisingly where you need it the most. His mouth is unsparing against your skin, kissing, licking, sucking it until it has you yielding to your own needs.

Taehyung stops and pants icy, hot air where his tongue wetted you at the feeling of your hips rocking with lustful urges.

He leans back on the chair, head thrown back with his eyes closed, relishing the delightful motions of your body.

“Oh… Fuck…” His nails dig in your ass the more you keep easing tension out of his hard shaft.

You tilt forward, closer, never stopping your sensual dance and he feels it. He gazes up at you under heavy lids, admiring the beautiful view of his shirt open on your naked chest, skin still moist with his saliva, nipples pointing enticingly.

He feels lightheaded.

You comb your hair back to allow yourself a view of the splendor that is Taehyung turned on.

You let out a small groan at the unexpected twitch of his cock. By now, you’re sure you’ve made an embarrassing mess of your panties and you’re also certain he can smell it.

You watch him reach for one of your breasts to suck on the sensitive nipple. You frown down at him, moaning as quiet as you can. He cranes his neck to lick his way up yours to your ear.

“You look great in my clothes.” You smile at his whisper.

“I want to see you too.”

He fulfills your wishes quickly, pulling the back of his tee-shirt above his head, serving you the tantalizing image of his muscular arms and shoulders. You bite your lip, sharing a smile and your hips pick up in pace.

You wrap your arms around his neck, cradling his head to your chest, while he hugs you to him tightly, looking into each other’s eyes. You’re both growing desperate.

“I want you so bad,” he can hear the hopelessness in your voice and it has him oozing more in his briefs. He never thought he’d ever hear you say those words to him. However, he hates how it reminds him of his neglect in equipping himself for the occasion. He never planned any of it.

He’s certain he doesn’t want to put an end to your bliss, not when you’re on top of him, ready to give yourself, not never.

Taehyung mouths at your cleavage, listening to the plethora of pleading escaping you the longer you keep rubbing yourselves together and struggles not to give in already.

The fresh breeze is long forgotten now, it feels hot and sweaty against his body but you’ve passed your point of no return. He’s felt your body becoming tense, seeking the peak of pleasure.

You manage to grunt in between gasps. “... Close…”

“Yeah?” He wonders quietly, trying to keep you on your stimulus.

You furrow your brow, seeing him gazing back with so much adoration it catches you unawares, triggering intense pleasure washing over you in waves. He helps muffling you, comforting your shaking body.

The forceful press of his erection overstimulates you in good pain. Your arms are tight around his shoulders, helping you root yourself while the final tremors wear off.

You don’t want to move away. He doesn’t want to let go either.

He reluctantly moves his arms only when he feels you trying to lean back. He breaks into a shy chuckle but you capture his lips in a needing kiss. You’re quickly out of breath.

“You’re shaking,” he trails softly. You weren’t even aware of it, lost again in his mesmerizing looks. “Was it okay?”

You nod subtly, cupping the back of his head to bring your faces closer. “Yeah… You?”

“Don’t worry about it.” You answer his gentle kiss. “Let’s go inside.”

***********************

You wake up alone in the gigantic bed, almost engulfed in the mess of sheets and thick covers. Yes, even in summer they’re of use, if you get to spend a night in his bedroom.

Your mind is fuddled, partly because of the short night you had but it’s also quick to remember flashes of it, having you musing on them with a blushing face.

You sit up and locate his tee-shirt, his borrowed shirt, your panties, his briefs thrown across the floor and your abashed smile comes again.

You’re walking down the corridor and can’t shake away the strangeness of it now that you’re seeing his home in broad daylight many months after, not as his bodyguard but as you. You stop before either Taehyung or Hina can notice your presence and take your time watching them be around each other, the way it was meant this whole time.

Your gaze travels from Hina’s back facing you to him and you mindlessly begin biting your lips, gawking at him working in the kitchen, attending to her needs and just being the best person for her. His messy hair and bare chest are a bonus.

He’s a natural. Your chest tightens at the sight of him and at the thought of it.

A heavy sigh escapes you.

“Mind joining us?”

You get startled by his voice and find them looking at you with big smiles. You shake your head to yourself.

Hina is elated raising her arms in the air from her seat for you to indulge into a tight hug. You don’t forget to kiss her cheek, unable to keep yourself from grinning from ear to ear at her sudden burst.

You sit on the stool across her where a bowl of rice and a full glass of orange juice have been placed. She can’t take her eyes off of you. You mind the frying pan he’s holding as he shakes a fried egg on top of the rice.

“‘Morning you,” he trails in a deep voice. He swiftly steals a kiss and walks away naturally.

You remain stunned a couple of seconds, processing the sudden gesture until you find Hina stifling a titter in her small hands.

[patandpran]

Itsay Ep.4 A colour Progression Analysis pt.2:

This episode is bookended with a lot of red or for the sake of this analysis, Oh-aew’s “color”. At the beginning and end of the episode, we see both characters surrounded by the color red. There is also the repeated motif of the red flower that shows up many times throughout this which will be further explored in this analysis.

After Teh drops Oh off at the boat, the two separate and are seen in positions that mirror one another in almost a haunting way, both surrounded by the color red.

The fact that they are both lying in a similar position, partially naked might suggest how vulnerable they are in this moment as they both try to navigate this grey area that they find themselves in. Both of them are starkly aware of their desires, and while Oh-aew is embracing his, Teh is still somewhat in denial about his, even though his feelings are much more physical and visceral. They both stare up at the ceiling as if looking for answers they inherently know they will only find in each other. The fact that the couch that Teh lies on is a deep red shows just how strong his feelings are for Oh-aew. They are all consuming.

The image of the flower lies underneath Oh-aew, something that we see throughout the series. Now this might mean a number of things but we know at the beginning of the series that both boys reveal that they are still virgins to one another, which lines up with the image of flower as symbol for virginity or the loss of innocence.

Two possible meanings behind red hibiscuses:

1. Deep or romantic love.

2. The fleeting and beauty of fame and personal glory.

Now if you put those two meanings beside each other, they create an interesting juxtaposition that perfectly reflects Teh and Oh-aew’s relationship. They are deeply in love with each other but, because of their pride and competitive nature of their chosen career paths, they are both driven by fame as well. This is where the tension in their relationship stems from.

Now, the sad part about all of this is that Teh and Oh are not the only ones who wear the symbol of the flower. Tarn also wears the flower on her sports bra but it is purple. It’s not the color that Teh desires ultimately, even though he was originally attracted to her. She gets a hint of this when he ultimately chooses the red pencil crayon, proving again that he is always thinking of Oh-aew.

The next time we see Oh-aew and Teh together, Oh-aew is wearing a blue shirt. This is the same scene where he reaches for Teh but Teh pulls away. The use of the color blue in this scene is likely to show that, in that moment, Oh desperately wants Teh to be with him but Teh is convinced that they should remain as friends. We see a bit of red on Oh-aew’s bag which might imply that Teh is still thinking Oh in a romantic sense but he’s not wanting to act on it at that point. Of course, this causes Oh to storm out, leaving Teh at a loss.

Later on, more and more red begins to appear again as Teh becomes more obsessed with the fact that Oh-aew is ignoring him. There are the red scissors but also red and blue paper in the background when he is making the vocabulary book for Oh. Teh’s mother even comes out wearing a red apron with flowers all over it to really hammer the point in.

Once Teh brings the book to Oh-aew, Teh is seen wearing a blue shirt with red flowers where Oh-aew was wearing a red shirt with blue flowers in the previous episode. This clearly shows that the feelings are reciprocated by both Teh and Oh-Aew. The colors intermingling on the shirts also demonstrate that both of them are conscious of their feelings for one another. This is also explored in the blocking of the scene under the stairs.

At this point, all of their feelings and intimacy is hidden. They are free to explore each other, as long as they are in the safety of the ‘blue’. It is all on Teh’s terms at this point as Oh-aew is so desperate to be loved by him that he is willing to hide their love for one another. It is not until they are deep under the water and the waves, fully concealed and safe, do they kiss for the first time, surrounded by blue. They are free to love each other without consequence or fear of anything else. They can be with one another in the quiet of the water.

But as soon as they ‘surface’ from the blue of the ocean and return to the beach, Teh immediately plays it off as if it is nothing, breaking Oh’s heart.

After Teh sees the photo of Oh wearing the bra, his desire is ignited again (not that the flame ever went out). His blanket that he covers himself with after succumbing to the desire not only is red, implying that he is overwhelmed ugh thoughts of Oh but it also has flowers on it as well, continuing the motif of the flower. From this point on, Teh is plagued with all consuming thoughts of Oh-aew and the color red is everywhere he goes.

If we skip ahead to the end of the episode where Teh reveals to his brother and mother that he’s given up his spot, Hoon is wearing blue while his mother is wearing red, another reminder of Teh being in pulled in two directions.

If we circle back to the hibiscus symbolism, the reason that his mother might be wearing red is to not only make Teh think of Oh but also emphasize how much value his mother put in his future career and success, which is a point of great stress for Teh. Not only is he guilty for letting down his mother, he feels guilty for letting down Oh in the first place, so, in this scene, his mother’s attire might feel like it is there to mock Teh.

(Note: I am sure the color red also has an important cultural significance but I am not the right person to comment on that.)

The fact that Hoon is wearing blue in this scene shows his brotherly love and support for Teh. No matter what, Hoon is there for Teh.

But, by the end of the episode, the color has drained away and Teh and Oh-aew are left to live in the dull world that they were in before instead of the vibrant and colorful one that they found in each other.

[onestowatch]

Lollapalooza 2021: 15 Ones to Catch (Who Aren’t Headlining)

Lollapalooza is officially one week away, and wow does that feel good to say. As one of the first music festivals to welcome us back to festival season after a far too long hibernation, the annual festival, hosted at Grant Park in Chicago, Illinois, is set to bring the musical stylings of Tyler, the Creator, Miley Cyrus, Foo Fighters, Megan Thee Stallion, and plenty more. But, unless you’ve been living under a rock, chances are that you’re already more than familiar with the artists set to headline. So why not figure out who to see while you’re waiting to scream along to Call Me If You Get Lost.

From collectives who are moving beyond the need for genres to music that is just as likely to make you cry as it is laugh, these are 15 ones to catch (who aren’t headlining) at Lollapalooza 2021.

Peach Tree Rascals

When & Where: Sunday, 2 p.m. at Bud Light Seltzer Stage

Peach Tree Rascals’ Lollapalooza set has been a very, very long time coming. The Bay Area–bred collective has been steadily making waves with their genre-bending approach to indie-pop that calls to mind a more idyllic, lovesick BROCKHAMPTON (an act you should most definitely catch as well). And despite emerging a growing fan-favorite in the last couple years, the aforementioned rascals have yet to play a show, ever. With a headline tour that was canceled due to COVID, Lollapalooza will officially be making history as the first-ever Peach Tree Rascals set.

Tate McRae

When & Where: Saturday, 5:15 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Tate McRae’s rise through the pop stratosphere has felt meteoric. First gaining fame at the young age of 13 for being the first Canadian finalist on So You Think You Can Dance, McRae has certainly come a long way to stand as one of the most promising voices in pop. With a vocal range more than powerful enough to deliver haunting dark pop ballads like “you broke me first” one moment and stand side-by-side with Khalid on the summer bop “working” the next, there are no two ways about it. McRae is a pop star in the making and this is your chance to catch her before her inevitable headliner status.  

Marc Rebillet

When & Where: Saturday, 9:00 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Part-time meme and full-time artist, Marc Rebillet creates music with an unmatched comedic timing. It’s a comedic genius that has led to him getting a 24-hour ban on Twitch—for taking his shirt off in the middle of a stream, an act which I’m guessing Lollapalooza will be more than forgiving of giving his penchant for performing in a bathrobe. The self-described improvisational artist creates all his songs from scratch, resulting in an experience where no two live shows are quite the same. Come for the comedy, stay for the absolute dancefloor bangers.

Dayglow

When & Where: Thursday, 3:45 p.m. at Lake Shore Stage

Dayglow is sure to bring a smile to your face and put a pep in your step. Apologies if I sounded like my grandparents there, but there’s no denying the sonic sunshine that is Dayglow’s rapturous brand of indie-pop. Paying homage to the dance-inducing melancholy of ‘80s pop duets, it’s difficult not to get swept up in the Austin, Texas–bred artist’s hypnotic vision. It’s the sort of euphoric music that feels almost tailor-made for the return of festival season—drenched in sunny rays and brimming with infectious sincerity.

Giveon

When & Where: Friday, 4:45 p.m. at T-Mobile Stage

Before his breakout moment on Justin Bieber’s “Peaches,” Giveon was already charting his path for R&B domination. With an angelic and haunting baritone, each R&B rumination carries with it a palpable weight—an emotional turmoil that is only elevated by the minimalistic soundscapes which allow the proper space for his transfixing voice to fully shine. For a crash course on Giveon, check out a compilation of his two standout EPs, When It’s All Said and Done… Take Time. Or better yet, experience the magic of Giveon live.

Ashe

When & Where: Thursday, 6:30 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Ashe creates effortlessly timeless music, blurring the line between the nostalgic songwriting of Fleetwood Mac and a modern-day folk-pop star. The sentiment is best expressed in her critically-acclaimed debut album, Ashlyn, which demonstrates the Los Angeles artist’s peerless songwriting acumen, toeing the line between rapturous euphoria one moment and deeply affecting storytelling the next. If you need a good laugh or cry, do not miss out on Ashe.

Sir Chloe

When & Where: Sunday, 12:45 p.m. at T-Mobile Stage

Fronted by Dana Foote and comprised of Teddy O’mara on guitar, Palmer Foote on drums, and Austin Holmes on bass, Sir Chloe’s music exists in the nebulous void of haunting dark pop and heart-rending alternative garage rock. The New York–based indie rock band originally started as a college project, birthed in the music halls of Bennington College, and now they’re set to take Lollapalooza by storm. With an impressive debut album, 2020’s Party Favors, under their belt, this set feels only the beginning for the bewitching indie outfit. 

jxdn

When & Where: Sunday, 3 p.m. at Bud Light Seltzer Stage

jxdn is the latest artist to make good on pop-punk’s continued resurgence. The first signing to Travis Barker’s DTA Records, the breakout singer-songwriter has found a fan in not only the blink-182 star but in Machine Gun Kelly, who jxdn is set to tour with this fall and makes an appearance on his debut album, Tell Me About Tomorrow. With an acclaimed debut album in the books and some of pop-punk’s biggest stars behind him, jxdn is sure to deliver a Lollapalooza debut for the ages. 

AG Club

When & Where: Friday, 7:45 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

AG Club, an abbreviation of avant-garde club, is a genre-less music collective that shares a lot in common with fellow Lollapalooza must-see act, Peach Tree Rascals, including a collaborative single. But don’t get things twisted, this Bay Area collective has their own vision in store for you. With a brash, in-your-face attitude, AG Club is likely to draw comparisons to the Saturation era of BROCKHAMPTON and glory days of ASAP Mob, but with their introspective, omnivorous approach, they deftly manage to emerge as an act all their own. If you want to go where the party is, don’t miss AG Club.

Tai Verdes

When & Where: Friday, 1:45 p.m. at Bud Light Seltzer Stage

Where would we be without TikTok? I, for one, would be without my preferred form of short-form entertainment and the world be without the infectious pop-R&B stylings of one Tai Verdes. Originally working at Verizon before his breakout single, “Stuck in the Middle,” became a viral hit on TikTok, Verdes is now one of the most promising and rapidly rising acts in music today. And with his debut album, TV, the viral star proved himself no one-hit-wonder, delivering a collection of tracks that span a range of emotions and genres that we cannot wait to experience live.

Dominic Fike

When & Where: Thursday, 7:45 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Dominic Fike is a musical chameleon. First breaking out with his unassuming radio hit “3 Nights,” to only jump into the absolute vibe that is the Kenny Beats–assisted “Phone Numbers,” and culminate it all with the genre-spanning debut album, What Could Possibly Go Wrong, Fike is an artist whose limitations seem limitless. It’s a notion that plays out in his breathtaking live show, reworking his hits with an insatiable appetite until they’re songs that exist only in that singular moment. Fike’s is set you will not want to miss.

Oliver Tree

When & Where: Thursday, 9 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Alternative auteur Oliver Tree is nothing if not unpredictable. Flaunting his signature JNCO jeans and an impressive professional razor scooter pedigree, the inimitable artist delivers on an infectious blend of alternative, electronic, hip-hop, and pop that defies any simplistic classification. And with his debut album, Ugly Is Beautiful, now out in the wild after a much-hyped cancellation and subsequent surprise release, Tree has more than his fair share of music to pull from. Plus, given his penchant for going in and out of retirement like he’s trying to break a record only known to him, it’s probably best not to miss this set.   

RMR

When & Where: Sunday, 2:45 p.m. at Tito’s Handmade Vodka Stage

RMR originally made headlines with his breakout single, “RASCAL,” a transfixing country trap ballad that saw the rapper donning a black balaclava and Saint Laurent bulletproof vest while rapping over an interpolation of Rascal Flatts’ “Bless The Broken Road.” Since then, the anonymous rapper has been spotted hitting the town with Sharon Stone and embracing his penchant for melodic trap in the Westside Gunn, Future, Lil Baby, and Young Thung–loaded Drug Dealing Is a Lost Art. Existing at the fusion of trap country and melodic rap, RMR’s Lolla set is one you’re not likely to forget anytime soon.

Chiiild

When & Where: Sunday, 12:00 p.m. at Lake Shore Stage

Nostalgic and novel, Chiiild’s self-described brand of “synthetic soul” is nothing short of intoxicating. Setting its own sauntering pace, Chiiild’s unique take on R&B and soul takes on a cosmic energy, as if floating through a wormhole with nothing but a single cassette deck on hand. It’s a testament to the Canadian band’s all-encompassing approach that draws upon not just R&B and soul but psychedelia, jazz, indie, and pop to craft a sound that is all their own. Take a trip on Sunday, and meet us at Chiiild.

All Time Low

When & Where: Thursday, 6 p.m. at Tito’s Handmade Vodka Stage

Because teenage you wasn’t old enough to convince your parents to let you see All Time Low the first time “Dear Maria, Count Me In” was trending.

[a-simple-kpopper]

GOING HOME

Okay a oneshot prompt because of this Jeonghan in the backseat for a mini preview to the next TTT ep. Also I just wanna share I miss my friends more because of the latest ep. I miss hanging out with them like that getting drunk af at home hahahaha. So anyways, here. Happy New Year Seventeen and Carats!

PART 2

Okay, the last Going Seventeen Episode was a bomb like any other episodes this year. It is special because it is Carat's most-awaited TTT ep and the second part will be aired on the first Monday of 2021! But what happened behind the camera during their way home?

During the first episode, the members were divided into four cars.

Car #1: Jeonghan as driver with Woozi and Hoshi as passengers.

Car #2: Scoups as driver with Joshua and Seungkwan as passengers.

Car #3: The8 as driver with Wonwoo and Vernon as passengers.

Car #4: Mingyu as driver with Jun, DK and Dino as passengers.

They were supposed to go home in those groups still but because of the eventful evening they had, well, changes must be made.

Driving on their way home with two sleeping passengers, the leader can't help but talk with the cameras about how lonely the ride would be.

"We really had fun Carats as you would see," he starts while driving, "I know for sure the editors would be doing a great job as they had always been. I also want to thank them for making these contents with us and the way they edit the videos always amazes me really. So Going Seventeen editors, producers, staff, and everyone behind these amazing contents, thank you. And I hope that we could still give you these kinds of content this 2021."

He ended with his sweet smile to the camera and focused on driving again assuming it would be a silent drive since his two passengers are fast asleep.

"Wow," the backseat passenger who was still laying said, "Is that scripted or what?"

Seungcheol just smirked and giggled.

"So you're awake."

"Seungcheollie's message is too long I woke up."

"Am I supposed to apologize that I disturbed my angel's sleep?" he said quickly glancing at the back seat where a whole Yoon Jeonghan is having his own slumber time.

"No thanks. I'm fully awake now." He then slowly stood up and went behind Seungcheol to give him a quick peck on the cheeks. They both sheepishly smiled at each other.

Jeonghan then was a little surprised when he saw who was sleeping in the passenger seat.

"I thought I was with Soonyoung," he said, "How drunk is Chan?"

"He's not really that drunk. Tired yes because he had to clean the dinner again." They both laughed at the thought.

It was at a red light when Seungcheol grabbed Jeonghan's right hand and kissed his knuckles.

"Do you want to eat something?" He asked slightly moving sideward to see Jeonghan. The other shook his head and just said, "Nothing. Just want to go home."

The lights turned green again and Seungcheol had to drive. But now with Jeonghan's hand intertwined with his. After a while, Jeonghan realized something.

"Oh, are these still rolling?" He immediately retreated his hand from Seungcheol and checked the two cameras in the backseat. Seungcheol managed a simple, "Yeah." to his question.

"There's nothing to worry about though. The editors have been always able to edit..." he trailed off not knowing what to call what the editors have been editing out all these times. "...things."

Jeonghan nodded and there was a moment of silence between the two. They are thankful really, for the staff and all people they are working with. But still, it was a little tiny bit suffocating having to edit things out.

"Hyung," Chan suddenly called out with his eyes still closed.

"Good Morning Dino-yah." Jeonghan greeted with a smile to their maknae and patted his shoulder.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Seungcheol asked but Chan shook his head.

"Just be comfortable. It's just me." He said still with his eyes closed which confused his hyungs.

"What?" They both asked.

"I mean," Chan said finally opening his eyes and reaching for the camera in front of him turning it off, "This... And this, and also these. Don't mind them. And definitely don't mind me hyungs." He turned off all the cameras rolling in the car.

"Chan," Seungcheol called but he was quick to say his thoughts.

"I'm happy for you hyung, all of you." He said still with eyes closed as if he was just sleep-talking. But he's not. He is saying this because he wants his hyungs to know his heart and mind. That he always supports them and always will.

"I know all of you are happy too you know. Being all of you together as boyfriends and all. Don't ever think I am not supportive of all of your relationships because I am. I really am." He said and Jeonghan patted his shoulder again before he continued.

"What I just don't like is this," he said, "I hate that you all have to be careful of what you do in public, with the cameras, the press, and the media and whatnot. I hate that you cannot be open to your relationships and even thought about breaking up with each other because you all fear that our careers will end when the public know you all are dating each other." He said shifting in his position still with his eyes closed. He does not really talk about this but he wants now and also feels two of his hyungs should at least know what he really feels. Especially their leader.

"I know the saying that 'You can't get the best of both worlds' but I just hope for that day to come," he said with all the purest intentions for his hyungs' happiness, "That day when you all can be open about your relationships without fearing of risking our careers."

"I know for sure that our Carats will still support us because hell they are the ones who gave us those ship names right? Clearly, they don't mind." the two older ones were just listening to their maknae. They know for sure that he supports them no matter what but they did not know he was also carrying a different burden. That of hating to see them being afraid of getting caught by the public.

But in all honesty, they really don't hide as much, just like Chan said, they do have ship names and some of them are true, but still. They don't really officially acknowledge their relationships. They said this would be better and let the public think about what they want. However, of course, there are real risks if they ever announce it officially.

"But because we are living in a society, a system and whatsoever that is so suffocating and disgustingly homophobic," he said, "And just even two idols of opposite sex dating is a freaking 'scandal', I get your worries hyungs."

Chan took his time before he finishes his thoughts. Jeonghan and Seungcheol both are listening. Fondly looking at their maknae with unshed tears because of his overflowing love and support.

"I just hope the day would come that the public would accept that idols are humans too. We're not perfectly-built robots or whatever godly they think of us," he sighs contently as he was able to say what he feels, "Yeah, just that hyungs."

Jeonghan immediately hugged him from the backseat and he patted his hyungs arms around his shoulders and chest.

"Thank you, Chan," Jeonghan said trying not to be dramatic and a crier in the situation. But he's just so thankful for what their maknae said.

"Our maknae's an adult now huh?" Seungcheol tried to muse tapping Chan's knees twice but he too is overwhelmed with emotions from what he just heard from their maknae. "Thank you, Chan." He also managed to say and the latter just hummed in response.

Jeonghan gave him a little squeeze from his embrace before freeing him to let him properly sleep. Which he did, due to the smooth drive and also the warm feeling of having been able to tell his hyungs his support.

It was another stoplight when Jeonghan clasped his hands with Seungcheol's hand in between. He peppered it with silent kissed and the other turned around to see him.

"Jagi are you crying?" No, Jeonghan was not. It's just a tear fell from his eyes due to the overflowing happiness he has right now. Seungcheol was quick to wipe it and then rubbed his cheeks lovingly with his thumb.

"I'm just happy Jagiya." Seungcheol smiled at that and brought their hands to his lips kissing Jeonghan's once again.

"I know, me too."

They smiled at each other before both turning their attention to the sleeping maknae.

"I don't know about other groups but we sure have the best maknae," Seungcheol said.

"Hell yeah, we do."

Meanwhile...

Wonwoo is having a good time just taking pictures of the two on the backseat who were practically one given how they are so tangled with each other sleeping heavy from how much they drank last night.

“They are so cute.“ Joshua on the driver seat said as they halted at the stoplight.

“I know,“ he said scrolling through the pictures he took of the two at the backseat.

“How much did Dokyeom drink last night?“ he asked still absentmindedly scanning through the pictures he just took. 

Joshua thought for a while with pouty lips as he remembers how his boyfriend drank last night.

“Well he was beside Soonyoung the whole time so.“ he plainly said and Wonwoo nodded knowingly.

“Are those two even okay? They were all giddy when we left but they were suddenly avoiding each other when we got to the venue. What happened?“ Wonwoo said turning to face Joshua on the side as he drove again.

“Well, for one according to Jeonghan, those two had a little argument on their way to the venue after they ate at the market. Because Soonyoung drank a lot at the mart already.“ he says making a turn, “And then still according to Jeonghan, their fight got a little heated when Soonyoung vomited at the venue and Jihon scolded him ---“

“Like he always does,“ Wonwoo cuts him, “Because he is always concerned.“

“Yes.“ Joshua plainly said and they further discussed what happened and both hoped that the little fight between the two would be resolved.

"I remember the fight we had a week ago,” Wonwoo said and Joshua slightly laughed remembering it too.

“If not for Chan really, we would have also filmed this with an unresolved fight,” he says recalling their petty fight a week ago. As petty as who cooked the better ramen for their members at that time. Really, what a reason to fight.

“What did even Chan say?“

“He says petty fights like that could cause damage and such,“ Wonwoo starts, “I really was amazed and shocked to hear him kind of lecture me but regardless, I was very thankful to him. I was really just joking and I know some of the members were really just going with the flow of teasing Mingyu that time but then just what Chan told me, it could be just petty for me but it is already a big deal to Mingyu.“ he says and smiles as he recalls how Chan lectured him like that.

“Hyung it’s not that hard to say sorry you know? I know you were joking but Mingyu hyung’s clearly hurt that they liked your ramen better. So, please? He’s like a lost puppy now so go on and apologize. I don’t know how but you can do it.“ 

Little did Wonwoo knew that Chan talked with Mingyu first and has already scolded the other before him.

“Mingyu hyung, you could not really be upset to Wonwoo hyung because of this right?“

“What? Do you think I’m petty too right? Whatever. Go away.“

“Hyung it’s not that it’s petty but did you really think Wonwoo hyung meant to do this?“

“I felt he was just joking at first but then I got hurt for real Chan. What do I do?“

“Tell that to him hyung.“ Chan plainly said but Mingyu does not want to. At least not at that time. “I’m not saying now hyung but please don’t let this take longer okay? I’m also sorry if this feels like I am dwelling too much on your relationship.“

“Chan, no.“

“It’s just that I’ve seen this before and I don’t want it to happen again. I saw all of you fight a lot and thought it was just normal for couples to do that and all but that one time Joshua hyung and Dokyeom hyung ---“

“I know Chan, I know. I’m sorry.“ Mingyu said, “I’m sorry if you are in between in all of these.”

“I just want to be here for all of you guys and support you.“

“He’s matured like that now you know?“ Joshua says smiling at the thought.

“Mingyu said Chan mentioned what happened between you and Dokyeom and he immediately got scared that it would also happen to us.“ 

“Ah, that’s why.“ Joshua said as the memory came back to him. Smiling at it now.

“It’s nothing compared to our petty fights hyung really.“ Wonwoo said but was clearly distracted when he noticed that the cameras are still rolling.

“Oh, I almost forgot we’re still filming.“ he said and waved to the camera saying, “Editor-nim, pd-nims.” with a knowing smile.

“I’m really thankful for the staff of Going Seventeen,“ Joshua says as they pull on another stoplight. ”The amount of editing they do, the subtitles, the contents, the ideas, and everything is just, wow.”

“I really did not think that it would be a thing on Youtube given on how Going Seventeen started.“ Wonwoo said talking to the camera, “Also, of course, thank you Carats for the support. 2020 has been really hard for all of us in all different ways so I hope the content we make has made you feel a little happier and lighter amidst all the things that are happening. Carats please take care and be healthy. See you soon!“ He waved at the camera which Joshua also did also mimicking the “See you soon!“ part.

“I guess that’s enough footage for us here?“ Wonwoo said slightly laughing.

“But I’m really thankful for Going Seventeen staff, especially the editors,” Joshua says sighing trying to remember all those moments that had to be edited out of the episodes.

“I wonder how many minutes of footage they have of the cut parts?“

“Bold of you it’s just minutes.“ The two older laughed at that considering how long those edited parts would really take.

They shared a silent moment and common wishful thinking and hope that there would come a time when those edited could be posted. Or better yet have a time when those kinds of moments do not need to be edited out. Another turn filled with silence until someone groaned at the back finally waking up.

“It’s so hot.“ said someone from the back as he stretches his long legs and softly getting away from his sleeping buddy.

“Well you are hot.“ Wonwoo told him as a matter of fact and he immediately awakens at that with wide eyes and pointed at the camera. Joshua smiled at how cheesy Wonwoo could get with Mingyu. The startled puppy blushed at that blatant [and factual] comment which Wonwoo is proud of.

“Why is Dokyeom beside me?“ he asks as he placed the other on the side careful not to wake him up.

“You would not let go of each other earlier. I don’t know how drunk the two of you were until you said Dokyeom was your teddy bear.“

“And Dokyeom said you were his puppy.“ Joshua said a little bit sounding jealous but not really.

Mingyu was rubbing his face aggressively as the hangover gets to him bad. He was asking why they could not have just stayed for another day in the venue and Wonwoo just said they have another schedule tomorrow. 

“Could we stop at a mart? I want ice cream so bad. I’m really hot.“ he says and Wonwoo would have taken the opportunity to comment another cheesy line but Mingyu said looking at him, “I know I am hot, okay but I am literally feeling hot because of all the alcohol.“ 

“Okay, okay. So sensitive.“

“I am hot.“ he glared at the other but Wonwoo just smiled widely at him.

Joshua then says they needed a gas refill and Wonwoo presented to buy at the mart there. He was making a turn when he did not notice the bump so all of them inside jumped involuntarily with the car.

“I told you to drive carefully Mingyu.“ Seokmin with a groan and closed eyes said. Mingyu just laughed at him and tapped his legs quite aggressively saying, “I’m not driving Dokeyom-ah. I’m here beside you.“

“What the hell get your hands back on the steering wheel you would kill us!“ he says with eyes closed and shoving Mingyu’s hand out of his thighs. The two older ones at the front are smiling at the scene.

“I told I am not the one driving.“ Mingyu says laughing at him. Seokmin managed a quiet “What?“ before carefully opening one of his eyes to look at the driver seat. He was sitting behind the passenger’s seat and clearly saw who was driving. Well not really clear but he knows immediately who is driving. Joshua managed to catch him looking at him in the rear-view mirror. Seokmin was shocked and was trying to remember how even he managed to get in the car.

“Are you saying something Seokminnie?“

“Nothing hyung,“ he says closing his eyes again. Dang his head feels so heavy. “Just please drive carefully.“ Joshua then smiled at that thinking it was cute.

“What were you even thinking of competing with Soonyoung’s drinking last night?“ Wonwoo asked him but was not really expecting an answer.

They were nearing the station and Wonwoo volunteered to go alone to the mart but his puppy was so eager to go with him saying he wants to pick his own ice cream. Joshua just said to get them water and maybe some chips back. He parked the car near the mart after they got a refill. 

“I told you to always drive carefully.“ Seokmin said sleepily at the backseat. Joshua unbuckled his seatbelt to fully turn around and face his boyfriend. He looked so wrecked from all the alcohol he had last night. Joshua remembers he managed to get him to wash his face before they went out of the venue but it does not seem to have an effect. But he still looks gorgeous as always he thinks.

“I’m sorry I got distracted by you.“ Joshua said smiling but Seokmin shot him a glare and said, “Again with the distraction thing.“ and Joshua immediately apologized knowing where his boyfriend was coming from. He reached for the younger’s hand and squeezed it. Seokmin just closed his eyes again.

“Do you want anything to eat?“ Seokmin shook his head but immediately regretted it as his head hurt more at the motion. Joshua smiled and giggled a little even though he knows he should not have. But how could he not when his still drunk boyfriend is this cute?

“How much does your head hurt?“ he asks rubbing circles on Seokmin’s hand to hopefully ease his pain.

“So much,“ Seokmin says dramatically crinkling his face to emphasize that he was really hurting.

“Deserved.“ Seokmin opened his eyes to his smirking boyfriend and pouted to him saying, “So mean.“

The older just laughed and kissed the other’s hand. 

“I’m not hurting there, I’m hurting here,” Seokmin said pointing at his head. Joshua, in most of his capability from the driver’s seat, reached out to his boyfriend who had his head on the headboard of the backseat completely leaning back. 

He managed to give him a peck and was not really planning on staying like that for long because it was hella uncomfortable with his right hand on the backseat headboard while the other grasping the passenger’s seat for support. But clearly, his boyfriend had other plans. Seokmin cupped Joshua’s cheeks before the other could let go and kissed him on the lips. Just a peck but longer than what Joshua did.

“You are so gross.“ Joshua says not really meaning it because he’d kiss Seokmin whatever the circumstance is. Seokmin then just gave him another peck, then another, and another and one more until there’s a knock on the car. They were both startled but thankful because the windows are highly tinted.

Mingyu still sat beside Seokmin at the back and Wonwoo still on the passenger seat. As much as they all want to switch places, Wonwoo insisted they could not have a drunk person sitting on the front which Joshua agreed with.

They went back on the road and were eating peacefully when Seokmin looked at the camera and just realized the cameras were still rolling.

“WAIT ARE WE STILL FILMING?!“ he said at the sudden realization. He glanced wide-eyed to Joshua recalling their kiss earlier which he thinks is just at the right camera angle to perfectly capture it. Part of him wants the world to see their moment but there is a larger part of him still in fear of ‘getting caught‘.

“Have trust in the editors Dokyeom-ah.“ Wonwoo said, “They are really good at their jobs.“ they all agreed with their own version and moments replaying in their heads that have been edited out of the episodes.

“I really, really, really,“ Mingyu says exaggeratedly while eating his ice cream, “really respect our editors. Every Going Seventeen episode has been funnier because of their editing skills.“ he said and gave the camera on his side a thumbs up. They all agreed silently. But the silence also screams a common hope that one day, they would not have to hide these moments. Not with the public and definitely not with Carats who have supported them all throughout.

On the other hand...

Minghao thinks he just saw the car his Joshua hyung is driving pull up at a gasoline station. 

“Do you want to grab something to eat?“ he says glancing on his passenger seat with the person in question already munching some snacks. 

“Hyung, you have been eating the whole drive. Have you not eaten anything at the venue?“ the younger ones at the backseat who is awake asked him.

“I did but just drives make me hungry if not sleepy.“ he answered.

“We’ll just pull up at the second station and grab something.“ Minghao said and glanced back. “Would you be able to get out Jihoon hyung or you’d just stay?“

“I’ll stay,“ he says looking at Minghao then back to the person sleeping soundly on his lap. “Just grab us some water and cola.“ Minghao just nodded.

“What have you fought about this time?“

“Jun.“ Minghao said signaling him on the passenger seat not to ask more.

“What? They were okay before going to the venue but when everyone was there they were just like, I don’t know not talking and not even --“ he was cut when Minghao slapped his shoulder. Jun then stopped talking and just ate quietly.

Jihoon at the back seat with a drunk Soonyoung on his lap sighed. He knows it was partly his fault on the situation but what can he do? He was just concerned at that time. Well, clearly all the time but everything just piled up that certain moment, and then the next thing he knows is that his boyfriend was avoiding him during the entire time. What a way to spend the TTT episode right?

“Do you think they would be able to put something for the next episode on our way home?“ Jun asked again perking the other two awake.

“What do you mean?“ Jihoon asked while absentmindedly brushing Soonyoung’s hair.

“Well for one did you not notice how the car groupings ended up?“ he asked then curiosity sparked at Jihoon and Minghao who were both startled when the realization hit them.

“Oh.“ was what Minghao could only say.

“Manager hyung is driving Vernon and Seungkwan right?“ Jihoon asked and Jun nodded almost enthusiastically. Minghao who caught his boyfriend’s rather unusual giddiness over the situation questions him.

“What? It’s fun right?“ he says finishing the chip he was eating. “This is like the best groupings we had. I bet Carats will be enjoying this set-up, right?“ he says eyebrows raising up and down.

“Maybe.“ Minghao said but Jun immediately said, “What do you mean ‘maybe’? They will be getting the ships they got real you know!“ he says sitting up straight to face Minghao and explain himself.

“First there’s us, JunHao, then these two,“ pointing at those at the backseat, “HoWoo ---“

“SoonHoon.“ Jihoon corrected his hyung and looked back at his still sleeping boyfriend, “Soonyoung likes that ship name better because it’s our real names.“ he explains while looking at the beautiful person, who is by the way still drunk and reeks of alcohol, but still beautiful. Jun continued on.

“Okay so JunHao and SoonHoon in this car, the other one has SeokSoo and Minwon, VerKwan, and then of course JeongCheol.“

“Chan is with them.“ Minghao said, “Of course.” was what Jun said.

“It’s fun right?“ Jun asked excitedly and the two others just shook their head. It is really to have those couples be in the same cars. “Chan should have been with us and you two with JeongCheol.“ Jun pointed out.

“Hyung how can we when Jeonghan hyung just laid on the backseat like that?“ he says slightly laughing at the moment. He also remembers Soonyoung whining earlier when he was told they would not be sharing the same car with Jeonghan. 

“But I want to be with my Jeonghannie hyung.“ 

“Soonyoung, he would not be waking up anytime soon so let’s go with Jun hyung and Minghao instead hmm?“ Soonyoung glared at him and pinched both his cheeks. 

“You are mean. First, you don’t want me to drink much then now you would not even let me share a car with my Jeonghannie hyung! Bad Jihoon!“

“Soonyoung I---“ Soonyoung was already stomping towards Jun who opened the backseat when Jihoon tried to appeal the situation.

“Well, good luck with that.“ Seungcheol said tapping his shoulder before going in on their car.

And that is how the four of them ended together in the car and him with a sleeping, drunk, and annoyed Soonyoung on his lap. He just continuously brushes his hair trying to soothe the tension on the other’s body.

“But do you really think we’d get clips for the second episode from this segment of us going home or...?“ Jun trailed off at his question knowing that both Minghao and Jihoon knew what he was talking about.

“Well we did lots of things yesterday so I guess they’d be just getting whatever they could from us going home.“ Jihoon said still brushing Soonyoung’s hair. When is he going to wake up?

“That is true.“ Minghao said, “But are you not scared hyung?“ he asked directed to Jihoon but he just raised his eyebrow.

“I mean, with the fact that you guys are like that,” pointing out on their ridiculously domestic position with Soonyoung’s head on his lap and him still brushing his hair soothingly.

“They look so sweet what are you talking about?“ Jun asked and Minghao just looked at him and he immediately said, “Oh. That is exactly what you are talking about. Okay, I get it.“

Jihoon just shrugs before saying, “Hell to filming,” but he looked at the camera currently rolling and filming him mindlessly brushing Soonyoung’s hair. “This is our trip and I just want to enjoy what I can. Especially that I haven’t had that much time with this guy at the venue. He is so stubborn what do I do with him?”

He says and was not even expecting an answer because he was just asking himself. Jihoon wanted to enjoy this filming with his boyfriend but he totally wrecked it. They were fine on the first minutes of the trip but they just argued during their time at the mart with Soonyoung stubbornly drinking that much rice wine when it was just in the late morning. He sighed and thought of how he could have done it another way to not hurt his boyfriend’s feelings the way that he did and eventually spoiling the time that they could have enjoyed filming this MT episode.

“You know what, Chan told me something when I asked him the same thing regarding this guy.“ Jun said pointing towards Minghao. The other was quick to shove his hand away but then Jun, in his smooth ways of doing things, managed to grab his hand and intertwine them before kissing it. The action making both of them blush but Jihoon slightly seeing with jealousy to the two.

“Chan?“ Jihoon asked, “What about it?“

“Well,“ Jun says still holding Minghao’s hand and fully facing his boyfriend and watching him drive. If Minghao was not driving, he would have indulged in his staring contest but now is not the time. Jun turned to face Jihoon at the back. “There was a time when we both would have little fights about how stubborn he is and me not knowing what to do with it.“

“And what did Chan advised you to do?“

Jun then remembers that time and was shocked at how their maknae first gave him relationship advice.

“Hyung why are you obsessed with controlling what Minghao hyung wants to do?“

“What? That is so not true!“ Jun said defensively but knows Chan is right. He has this urge to meddle, if not control, what Minghao does. Not because he does not like it but because he is concerned that he might be hurt during the process, physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

“Come on hyung,“ Chan said sitting beside him in the practice room, “You did not want him to film in the forest at that time because you said you were scared of him being bitten by a snake what the hell. And then now you want him to reconsider this offer of modeling for a brand in China because of the pandemic.“

“That is exactly why I was trying to tell him to reconsider because there is currently a pandemic!“

“Hyung the shoot is not until late next year.“

“Still. It’s dangerous.“

“No hyung, it’s suffocating. You are suffocating Minghao hyung.“ Chan plainly says and Jun would have rebutted but Chan continued, “Hyung I get that you’re concerned with Minghao hyung’s welfare but can’t you do that without restraining him from doing what he wants? You’re his boyfriend right? Why don’t you support him like one? I know I get it, I’m the maknae and I hadn’t had had any proper committed serious to goodness relationship like you all have with each other but I know things too hyung.“ both of them sighed at the heaviness of the statement.

“I’m sorry if I’m meddling too much hyung but I just can’t keep silent when I see you guys like this,“ Chan says, “I know you love each other and all but please do not restrain each other from reaching your dream okay? I just, I think it’s best to talk things out really. And when I say talk things out I mean truthfully and not guessing whatever the other is thinking or if there is a meaning behind things being said. Just be truthful and supportive hyung.”

Jun smiles at the memory of their maknae being the support he and Minghao needed when their relationship was having some bumps.

“Wow,“ was just what Jihoon managed to say. He knew of this story but it was just now that Jun detailed what happened that he understood what really happened. 

It was at a stoplight before they turn to the gasoline station when Minghao spoke his side of the story.

“Chan was also quick to scold me saying I was just doing these things because Jun was opposed in me doing those. Which he was quite right at that time. It’s true I felt suffocated because he was constantly asking me why I was doing these and that and really thought he was controlling me when I could have thought that he was just concerned of me.“ Minghao looked at Jun who was already looking at him. Jun brought Minghao’s hand to his lips for a peck and mumble a quiet, “I’m sorry.“ in which Minghao answered in a similarly quiet way of, “It’s okay.”

“So like what Chan said, the way to deal with any relationship is - “

“Proper communication/Communication!“ both of them said at the same time with Jun just missing the ‘proper‘ part which earned him a smack on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,“ he says giggling with Minghao glaring at him, “I’m sorry babie I was just joking! I know it’s proper communication okay? Love you.“ he says while still laughing and trying to kiss Minghao’s hands which he retracted when he needed to start driving.

Jihoon then looks at Soonyoung again feeling sorry for what he has done the past few days and always telling him he is stubborn when he himself could have been more understanding of his boyfriend’s wants.

They arrived at the gasoline station and Minghao parked near the mart after they got refilled. The pair went to buy them food on the mart as it was proving to be a long drive due to the current heavy traffic. Jihoon is left with a sleeping Soonyoung, or so he thought. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the seat’s headboard but still soothingly brushing Soonyoung’s hair. He was unaware the latter was already staring at him from his supposed slumber. 

“Jihoon really looks good at this angle.“ Soonyoung thinks to himself given the way he was situated to see Jihoon with his head on his lap. He then immediately thought of how it must have been hard for Jihoon to have him sleep on his lap. He then immediately tried to shift the weight of his head but Jihoon felt it and immediately opened his eyes to see Soonyoung looking back at him. Surprised, he did not say anything and waited for the other to initiate.

“Hi,“ Soonyoung says looking up at Jihoon. And there Jihoon was staring back at him fondly it almost made him cry.

“Hello there,“ Jihoon said back, “Jun hyung and Minghao are out on the mart to buy food, what do you want?“

“I know but I don’t want anything, I just want to sleep.“ he says closing his eyes again feeling Jihoon’s hand lightly brushing his hair while the other is placed on his stomach which is a little ticklish to him but he manages to hide it because he likes Jihoon’s warmth there.

“Okay -- but wait you know?“ Jihoon says accusingly and Soonyoung tensed at that. He was just pretending to be asleep for quite some time now but Jihoon’s repeated brushing of his hair was constantly lulling him to sleep every now and then so he does not really know.

“How long were you awake?“ Jihoon asks and Soonyoung opened his eyes looking at him with a pout.

“I don’t know, maybe the time Minghao said he think he saw Joshua hyung’s car?“ he says and he sees Jihoon sigh, “Are you mad? I’m sorry.“ Jihoon shook his head and Soonyoung was surprised when he leaned in to kiss his forehead.

“I’m not mad at you Soonyoung, I’m just really disappointed about what happened.“ Jihoon says and intertwined their fingers. Soonyoung was quick to bring Jihoon’s hand to his lips for a soft kiss, “I’m sorry we did not get to enjoy the trip together.“ It was Soonyoung’s turn to shake his head at that moment.

“Jihoon, it was my fault,“ he says holding Jihoon’s hand to his chest, “If I had not been stubborn on drinking that rice wine, we would have been okay during the whole time. I’m sorry.“ at this point they would just be saying their sorry’s and admitting each other’s fault for what happened.

Jihoon smiled at Soonyoung and said, “You should really lessen your alcohol intake, and I’d be lessening my soda intake too.” Soonyoung smiled back at that and said, “Really?” Jihoon nodded still with a grin on his face. 

Soonyoung sit up and held his hand which was aching so bad the moment he stood up from Jihoon’s lap.

“Are you okay oh my gosh do you want to vomit or something?“ Jihoon asked concerned while running his hand up and down Soonyoung’s back.

“I think my head is currently being cut in half what the hell.“ he says still holding his head with both of his hands but he just heard Jihoon laugh. He opened his eyes and looked at his boyfriend laughing at him at this situation. What a cute jerk. 

“Wow you’re just laughing at me now?“ he says dejected but Jihoon just laughed harder at him. “Come on tell me the joke what did I miss. Fuck.” His head definitely hurt clearly but his boyfriend is having a laughing fit oh my gosh how could he.

“It’s just that I imagined you saying those exact words when you wake up from your drunken night. I am so sorry you are just so adorable.” Jihoon then went back to soothing Soonyoung’s back.

“My being drunk and head aching like breaking in half is adorable to you?” he says trying to glare at Jihoon but it just made his headache slightly worse, “You are such a weirdo but I love you.” he blurted out still holding his head.

“I know,” Jihoon said quietly trying to place Soonyoung back to where he was sleeping on his lap a while ago. “And I love you too.“ Soonyoung was back to his original sleeping place on Jihoon’s lap.

“But aren’t your legs hurting? I’m heavy like this.“ he says pouting but Jihoon just again brushed his hair and went down to kiss his forehead. 

“It’s already numb. But it’s okay,” Jihoon says and Soonyoung smirked, that smirk Jihoon knows is what happens before he says or does something incredibly cheesy making his toes curl. “It’s okay because I’m worth the pain?“ Soonyoung asks rather sheepishly at Jihoon. He would really rather hear Jihoon directly say it rather than this yes or no question but he just took the opportunity.

Jihoon rolled his eyes but with a smile answered, “Yes, you are worth the pain Soonyoung.” in which Soonyoung blushed not even trying to hide it. “But you are carrying me on the way out because I don’t think I could really walk after hours of you on my lap.” Soonyoung just laughed and nodded at that.

He then pouted his lips asking for a kiss. Jihoon just mimicked his action but was not doing any effort to bend down and kiss Soonyoung.

“Aaaaahhhh~“ Soonyoung whined, “Give me a proper kiss now Hoonie.“

“I am not kissing you’re alcohol-reeking and morning breath-filled mouth. No, thank you.“ Jihoon was teasing and liked the way Soonyoung pouted at that statement. Soonyoung further narrowed his eyes at the guy he was looking up at too. He then grabbed the opportunity to support himself to go quickly up to kiss his boyfriend.

“Ha!“ he said as he was back down on Jihoon’s lap and managed a quick show of the tongue which just Jihoon finds overall endearing and cute and adorable and very much his Soonyoungie.

They shared their giggles on everything they are just doing when Jun and Minghao returned.

“You’re alive!“ is what Jun welcomed Soonyoung with, “Congratulations!“

Minghao quickly went into the driver seat and set to drive home. He was quite in a hurry saying they got a message from their manager hyung with Vernon and Seungkwan as passengers that there was heavy traffic ahead. They were the ones who went out first but they are still somewhere in this traffic jam on the way home. 

Soonyoung was briefed on who were grouped into which cars and just like Seokmin he went, “OH MY GOD ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THE CAMERAS ARE STILL ROLLING AT THIS MOMENT?!” when Jun asked him what he asked the other two earlier if he thinks there will be enough content from their trip on the way home for the next half of the TTT episode.

“There’s no way they would get anything from us here,” Jun says, “I mean the moment we drove you are sleeping on his lap so there’s that. How could they edit that right?“ the others agreed.

“I wish they could really air just a little maybe? Did you not talk about anything like having this episode to be aired half 2020 then the first Monday of 2021 something like that?“ the three shook their heads. Although Soonyoung was comfortable in his position on his boyfriend’s lap and is unwilling to suffer another rush of his headache, he sat up and fixed himself in a way he thinks is acceptable to the camera with him being drunk and all.

“The traffic is so heavy at this time.“ he starts and that is the cue of the three others that he is on broadcast mode. They need to have something to be able to let the viewers know that they were the ones on this car.

“Is there an accident or what?“ Jun says trailing off and trying to look like he was trying to look ahead which he really was.

“We could have just stayed at the venue.“ Minghao said and all of them agreed.

“We’re on the way home but I really want to head back at the venue. I want to play more.“ Jihoon said and looked briefly at his boyfriend who was already staring at him.

“Anyways, we all had fun filming this episode for the MT. We also hope that Carats will have fun watching us and also have fun with their family and friends too.“ Hoshi is talking to the camera now, “I hope 2021 would be a better year for all of us. Carats please take care! Horanghae!“ ending with his signature pose, the other three also said their short messages to the camera.

When they ended, Jun looked at the camera and said, “Pd-nim, editor-nim, all of you behind this, we all thank you very much. I don’t know what kind of footage you will be seeing in the other cars but we are really thankful that you have been helping us with our contents and well, editing and all.“ they all then looked at their cameras and told their silent gratitudes to all those working behind every Going Seventeen episodes. 

“If possible also I would like to have a copy of this particular with the four of us here because there are many moments I want to---“ Jun was cut by Minghao slapping his shoulder but the other two were just laughing at the back. Soonyoung also echoed Jun’s request. Minghao and Jihoon then shook their heads.

“Why are we with them again?“ Jihoon asked directed to Minghao in which the younger replied shaking his head with a smile, “I don’t know hyung, I really don’t“

Soonyoung then went back to his sleeping place while Jun was quick to hold Minghao’s free hand again knowing that the editors would not put any of these footages. They could have turned the cameras off but Jun and Soonyoung want a copy of these footages.

Okay OMG there is an unexpected part two of this. VerKwan will be the main of the part two and also whatever floats my mind. Thanks for reading this and Happy New Year!

01 January 2021

11:57 PM

PART 2

[waejinyoung]

Can’t Swim - EP . 6

word count: 4.8k+

a/n: dont hate me pls, i swear Jinyoung is okay... kinda. yall gonna hate me for this ending too

warning: swearing, hospital setting, mentioning of injuries

EP . 1 , EP . 2 , EP . 3 , EP . 4 , EP . 5 , EP . 6 , EP .7 , EP . 8 , EP . 9

The day started well but it didn’t last long. The call from Jooheon led the day to plummet into a shit hole. The eco hotel was now under your guys’ belt but Jinyoung was now a patient in the local hospital. Shit really hit the fan.

Monday Afternoon

You had rushed back into the meeting room and said your apologies to both Beck and Mr Chan. You were sure this was a good enough reason to rush out of an important meeting like this one. You took note to let them both know the reason why you had to leave once things had died down.

Now you were at the hospital outside of Jinyoung’s room waiting for the doctor to come out. What could have gone wrong for him to be hospitalised?

“Miss?” The doctor left Jinyoung’s room and saw your concerned frame.

“Yes. Is Jinyoung okay?”

“His condition is currently stable. We are running some scans to check his condition. We’ll be able to comment in better detail once the results are out.”

“What did he come to the hospital with?” She looked up at you after rereading Jinyoung’s record.

“It looks like he was strangled. He also seemed to have taken a great impact in his right eye, he mentioned momentarily not seeing hence why we need to run some things.”

“Doc, you’re telling me he was strangled and punched.”

“Not punched. He was strangled up against a wall to the point where he passed out. The suspect left him to drop causing the patient’s eye to collide with a surface.” You understood the collision analysis. It was possible to hit something when falling in the leisure centre. Stairs, fencing, shower steps, (etc).

“And have the authorities found out who did it?”

“A male by the name of Max Poach. He had some minor scratches, most likely by Mr Park whilst trying to resist the strangling although I can’t confirm. He’s in a check-up room near reception for your interest.” Your face dropped. He took it this far…

With that the doctor went back to doing her rounds leaving you to process all of what you just heard. Max left Jinyoung there passed out? He took whatever it he was building up inside, all the rage and anger and acted so viciously all for what? You didn’t even know if you could step inside Jinyoung’s room. Whilst you were debating with your head in your knees on your seat you heard a load of rushing footsteps coming your way. You couldn’t even bother lifting your head up to see who they were. They stopped in front of you before entering the room. Who did you have to confront?

“Y/N?” Sounds like Mark.

“It’s my fault. It’s all my fucking fault.” Mark looked at Jaebeom who was beside him. The rest stayed at JYP to continue with their company meeting. If it was a serious case under their judgement they decided they would call the rest to come.

“How is he?” You picked up on Jaebeom’s presence too.

“I just came.. I-I don’t…” You started sobbing. You couldn’t bring yourself to enter the room. You didn’t want to see the damage done to someone you… you didn’t even know… did you love him?

“Shhh… Y/N. None of this is your fau-“ Mark tried to calm you down but you predicted this phrase to escape his mouth.

“It is Mark. These two know of each other because of me. They had a serious fight because of me. If I was just there today… may-maybe just maybe I could have stopped it.”

“You weren’t teaching today?” Jaebeom was confused.

“I-I had a meeting with that important client I men-mentioned last time we met. Usually when I don’t come to lessons, Max takes over. Jooheon, my boss, rang to say everything was fine but it’s not f-fine.” You were practically crying at this rate. You couldn’t believe things had gone too far. You imagine what sort of hopeless situation Jinyoung must have been in. Strangled and left passed out. It just triggered you to cry more.

“Y/N. Me and Jaebeom are going to go inside. You can join us soon once you’ve calmed down and ready, okay?” Mark kneeled down to your level and made sure to make eye contact, you looked up at both of them and gave them a slight nod.

“Just knock and we’ll be there. Don’t worry. We’ll get through this Y/N.” Jaebeom patted your head as they passed you and entered the room.

THIRD PERSON POV

Mark and Jaebeom entered the room slowly just in case Jinyoung was asleep resting. This wasn’t the case. Jinyoung was up and turned his head slowly towards his members.

He had bandaging wrapped around his neck restraining him from any sudden movements. Packed cushioning on his right eye held by some more bandaging. The colour from his face had drained. He was already pale but now he was just like a sheet of paper. He looked ill. The life out of him sucked out. What the fuck had Max done…

“Before you ask, yes she’s here. She’s trying to muster up the courage to come in. She’ll be here once she’s ready.” Max beat Jinyoung to his question.

“I don’t blame her. Look at me.” Jinyoung signalled at his battered state.

“We all know you could have retaliated but it’s too risky. You have a lot on the line. The group being one of them so thank you.” Jaebeom grabbed a chair and sat near Jinyoung.

“Next time beat the shit out of him though. You have our permission. I don’t care what we have to go through to clear your name. You’re still human at the end of the day, you don’t deserve to be treated like this.” Mark bursted in anger. His duality would scare anyone. He entered calm and composed only to set alight as soon as he spoke. He wasn’t having it.

“Will there even be a n-next time? He was caught on camera. I overheard the d-doctors talking about officers b-beside him throughout his check-up.” Jinyoung spoke. His voice sounded groggy.

“He’ll probably just be charged or some sort of warning. He’ll probably be sacked too, he works with people, I’m sure the centre won’t let him continue.” Jaebeom gathered.

“This guy must be a maniac. He just ruined his life over a female. I know you have an interest in her, but you need to think for yourself before anyone else.” Mark clarified. He didn’t get why someone would resort to violence without trying to sort out the situation like civil people. Similar to Y/N’s thought.

“She must be so conflicted.” Jinyoung struggled to voice his opinion. It hurt for him to speak. He just hoped his vocal cords weren’t damaged, nothing permanent at least. Doc said she’d clarify him of the results to confirm any damage, aware of his profession. Singing is his life; He wasn’t going to lose his pride possession that easily.

“If she comes, can you guys give us some time?” The other two nodded.

“Your life was on the line yet you’re here thinking about her. You’re not just interested bro, you’re whipped.” Jaebeom gave a sneaky smirk trying to lighten the mood up. Jinyoung’s expression changed showing some form of life; He smiled knowing what Jaebeom had said was right.

“What did the doctor say?” Mark was still really concerned.

“V-vocal cords. She’s checking them.”

“Fuck my life. It’s that bad. Should I ring the others to come?”

Jinyoung waved his hands no, “I-I don’t want to handle questions. I-I can barely speak.”

Suddenly the 3 guys turned their heads due to a click near the door. Y/N had built up courage to check Jinyoung’s condition. She had enough of imagining and just wanted to know how bad he was.

Y/N’S POV

You took a deep breath in. You could do this. You would have to see him at one point anyways so just do it now instead of eating away on your own sanity. With that, you got a good grip of the door handle and pushed the door open.

“… I-I can barely speak.” You heard the ending of a sentence by a croaky voice. It started to settle in even more how bad Jinyoung’s condition was.

You could only see the edge of Jinyoung’s bed when you entered but you made instant eye contact with Mark. He gave you a reassuring smile which prompted you to walk in a little further.

“We’ll be outside.” Mark signalled his head towards the door to Jaebeom. Jaebeom got the idea of who had entered the room.

The two walked past you. Jaebeom gave you a brotherly pat on the shoulder as they left. You could do this.

You took small steps to the corner that would reveal Jinyoung fully. You revealed your head around the corner to see Jinyoung laying there but you couldn’t handle the site. You retracted back to hiding. You were going to converse from here if you had to.

“Does it hurt?” You didn’t even know what to say.

“No.” Jinyoung was trying he best not to sound hurt so you didn’t feel any form of guilt.

“Liar.” But you were too smart.

“A little.”

“Hmm… I’ll save you the talk then. I know how much I’ve apologised to you since we’ve met, and you’ve mentioned how you don’t want me to apologise for others’ actions. B-but Jinyoung I’m so sorry.” You crouched down with your back against the wall. Jinyoung could hear your sobbing.

“I’m so so sorry. I’m s-sorry I didn’t tell you I-I wouldn’t be in today. I should have got in contact.” You had lost it again.

Jinyoung couldn’t handle not being able to hug you in his embrace. He didn’t like how hopeless he was in his hospital bed. He wanted to shh you and tell you to not apologise. He wanted to tell you what was on his mind, but his body wouldn’t allow it.

“Y-Y/N.” Jinyoung heard your sobs hold back when you heard your name.

You looked up as he called your name. It reminded you of when he called your name for the first time. You liked the sound of your name when he said it.

“Hmm.” You hummed in response.

“C-come here.”

You were hesitant but it wasn’t the best thing to not listen to Jinyoung right now. You got back onto your feet and peaked at Jinyoung around the corner again. He was directly looking at where you would show up. You weren’t able to make eye contact with him as you walked to the seat Jaebeom had pulled to Jinyoung’s bed. Your eyes were glued to the floor.

“L-look at me Y/N.” You knew the reason why his sentences were more demanding. He could barely speak so he kept it short. You looked up at the one eye that wasn’t covered. He met your watery eyes. He wouldn’t think to see you crying again after the day you stepped between him and Max. He made a promise to himself to make you smile no matter the situation.

“I-I’ll definitely be drowning now, won’t I?” You couldn’t believe he was making a swimming joke at this moment. You let out a chuckle more because you were shocked at this comment.

“Seriously… you’re making a joke at this point of your life.”

“It’s p-perfect timing. I get to see you smile; it suits you... to smile.” His comment towards your smile made you smile even more.

“It suits you too… to smile.” You took a hold of his hand and rubbed your thumb against his knuckles. You let out another chuckle because of the size difference between your hands.

“What?”

“I understand why people say I have small hands.” You lined up your hand and Jinyoung’s hand together and showed him the big difference. He smiled at your innocence and purity.

“You know what they say about big hands.” You mouth fell agape. Was he making dirty jokes in this current situation as well?

“I thought Jaehyun was bad.” He chuckled but it hurt for it to last long. He winced at the pain.

“You good? Should I call a nurse?” Jinyoung waved you no.

“It’s expected. Waiting for results now.” You nodded wishing that the results would be out at this very moment.

“I’ll ask what happened between you two when you’re better. I don’t want to cause even more damage to what has already been done.”

He gave you that gaze again. Taking responsibility for others’ actions. He hated it.

The door opened and the doctor from earlier walked back in.

“Hello Mr Park. Feeling any better?”

“Barely.” You looked back down again, eyes glued on the floor.

“Results are not out yet. I was going to check if you could consume food or if we’ll need to feed you through a syringe. I’ve bought some soup from the cafeteria. Miss can help you to see if you can eat.” You looked up at the tray in the doctor’s hand and took it from her. You gave her a nod.

“I’ll let you know if he’s able to eat the soup. I’ll press the buzzer to have you notified.”

“Great. I wish you a quick recovery Mr Park.”

The doctor left the room. Jinyoung didn’t have a ‘time to drink soup’ face on but you were going to convince him no matter what.

“Don’t even think of not having this soup. I’ll try my best not to mum you, but you heard the doc.”

“Mum me… I-I don’t mind.” You scooped a spoon full of the soup and blew a little on it (not advised during the periods of COVID-19, take care of yourselves).

“Open up. Try your best.” He swallowed the soup and his arm gripped your arm due to the pain. The instant reflex caught you off guard and you felt sorry for the pain he was feeling.

“Doable?”

You looked up at his one eye ready with another scoop. He nodded wanting to try once more. Yet again he winced in pain with the same reflex.

“Syringe?” He nodded again. You pressed the buzzer on the wall and the doctor was back again soon after.

“I don’t think Mr Park will get through a bowl of soup without a lot of pain. I think the syringe will be better.” The doctor took note on Jinyoung’s record and called in a nurse about the syringe hours.

“Thanks doctor.” You liked the kind and keen approach she had towards her job.

“It’s our job Miss.” The doctor then left the room.

You looked back at Jinyoung only to see him staring right through you. He wanted to ask you why you weren’t in and luckily you owed him an explanation.

“I wasn’t in for the lesson because I had a project meeting with the hotel client I mentioned on Friday. Whenever I’m not in lessons, Max covers for me since he’s the only teacher free during that period. I gave Jooheon a ring and he told me not to worry and just concentrate on the meeting. I was going to tell you prior to the lesson but I had so much to do over the weekend for this meeting that it went over my head. I’m so- “

“Don’t.” You stopped in your tracks. Right don’t apologise for everything.

“How d-did it go?”

“It went really well. He mentioned the…” You trailed off having realised that you had completely forgotten about the news that was published across all platforms.

“The news?” So, he was aware?

“To our luck he actually seemed fond of the news. He even bought flowers as a congratulations gift which was a little odd. I did break it to him what the actual truth was, but he was happy regardless. We swiftly moved onto the project and he was really happy with the outcome. The hotel will be built for 2022 and construction starts really soon.”

He felt like a proud mum. He wished he could go on and on about how proud he was of your achievement, but his current state wouldn’t allow him.

“I-I’m sorry for the n-news.” This was different, he was the one apologising this time.

“I would say that it’s fine, but I have to be honest it’s not. My phone has been going off since the meeting from random numbers and my company entrance was filled with paparazzi right before the meeting. I haven’t got back to my friends or family because god knows where to start.”

“My manager will h-handle it. Y-you shouldn’t have to go through this c-crap.” You guessed that the news will be taken down or some sort of announcement will be made by his side to clear it up.

“That’s good to know. I’m going to give the meeting holders a quick ring, I left abruptly after hearing Jooheon over the phone. Give me a second.”

You got off from the chair and gave Beck a ring whilst gazing out the window. This was so hectic.

“Hey Y/N, is everything okay?” Beck sounded so worried on the other end of the line.

“Hi Beck, you’re going to have to go alone with Mr Chan. I won’t be able to make it. Let him know that I’ll make it up to him but I’m at an emergency situation right now. I’ll talk to you later too. I owe you one.”

“Understood. Don’t drain yourself out with whatever it is. Me and Mr Chan will be fine. We seem to have caught him on a happy day anyways, don’t worry.” You knew you could always count on Beck.

“That’s great. Make sure to forward him my apologies. Have fun.” You hung up the phone and returned back to Jinyoung’s side.

“You should g-go.” Jinyoung spoke up.

“You want me to go to a meal knowing that you’re being fed through a needle looking out the window with only one eye. I don’t think so Jinyoung.” It was unfortunately the bitter truth. He read your face well and you weren’t up for listening to him right now.

For the rest of that day you were with Jinyoung. Every time the nurses would come to change his bandaging you’d have to step out. You couldn’t bear to look at what Max had done to Jinyoung. You’d always ask the nurses as they left if there were any signs of healing, but they’d just say it’s too early to tell. Later on, in the evening the rest of the guys came by and stayed with Jinyoung. You would also leave then, to give them time to have their talks.

Monday Evening

“Y/N, I’m sure Jinyoung wouldn’t like to see you slaving away in the corridors of a hospital. Why don’t you head home and rest up? You can come back in the morning to check up on him.” Mark stepped out of the room and started to get worried at how long you hadn’t eaten and gotten some rest.

“Mark, I’m really not in the mood. I’ll just end up procrastinating at home and get even more worried. Sleep definitely won’t be visiting me tonight if anyhwere but at this hospital.” Mark shook his head, understanding where you were coming from.

“I’m going to stay over the night. You guys can all go. He’s in good hands. Here’s my number. You can contact me if anything’s up and I’ll make sure to pick up.” You handed over your business card which had your contact details on it to Mark.

“We’ll be leaving in 5. Make sure to get some rest too. I don’t want another casualty in our hands.” He smiled trying to make you feel better.

“Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of both of us.”

Like Mark had said, 5 minutes later the boys departed from the hospital informing you to get in contact with them if anything in the slightest happens. You said your goodbyes and they were off. You returned back into Jinyoung’s room to see his eyes shut.

Hes had a rough day. A really rough day. It’s weird how both of your days started of normal only to stoop to a miserable level. It’s expected for him to be tired. Now was the time for him to get some rest in order to recover. You just hoped that no permanent damage was done, or you won’t be able to forgive yourself until the day you die. You were willing to be by his side until he was fully recovered. Stay beside him and even have him in your own home so you can nurse him easily. You could hear his light snoozing as he drifted into a deeper sleep.

The nurse came in to check everything for the evening. She noticed the patient asleep so toned down her voice.

“Miss, would you like us bring in a portable guest bed?”

“If it won’t cause much hassle and noise, then that would be great. Thank you.” The nurse smiled and left the room to bring you your bed.

…

Your bed arrived with its sheets and a plump pillow on top. The hospital even had some pyjamas laid out on the bed for you to change into. You used the on suite bathroom to change into the pjs. You had taken off your makeup with the cleansing wipes you always carried with you and sat on the bed.

You couldn’t take your eyes off Jinyoung. The poor man went through such a traumatic day with you being the cause of it all. You slowly got off the bed avoiding any creaky noises from the springs and kneeled down, so you were level with Jinyoung’s face. You brushed the strands of hair that were covering his face to aside. He looked effortless even in this state. Not many could achieve. You lighted stroked his cheek feeling his warm skin which had gained more colour compared to what it looked like at first. His calm sleep self gave you so much to look at. His perfect proportions, short but cute eyelashes, noticeably larger but cute ears and his lips. Oh, how much you wanted them to make contact with yours again, just like they did in the sand that day. You were sure he felt the same, there was no denying.

JINYOUNG’S POV

You were sure she thought you were sleep. Her presence was near enough for you to guess the difference between you two. 10cms apart from someone you gave so much care about. 10cms away from someone you were sure you could say, you loved. No matter how early it may be, you knew from the start that she was the one. You were just too hesitant on things moving quickly. This injury being one factor that’ll definitely be slowing down anything from progressing quickly, deterred you from that happening.

You really wanted to open your eyes. To look into the deep world that her eyes held and be her guardian angel. To tell her how much she’s been on your mind since the first encounter. Whilst you were running through the things you wanted to say to Y/N, you felt a gentle peck against your cheek and a whisper.

“What have you done to me silent parrot? Goodnight.”

Silent parrot? You guess that’s something you’ll need to question Y/N on once you’re more able to talk. With that, you sensed Y/N snuggle into her bed and you decided to do the same. Lots of sleep is going to be needed in order to recover from all the injuries.

Tuesday Morning

You were an early bird. Having the nurses change your syringe and bandaging every so often didn’t exactly help with a consistent sleep. Every night visit by the nurses you’d make sure to ask them to be really silent, so Y/N didn’t wake up.

The clock across you struck 7 am but you didn’t care what the time was because you had a little lamb beside you still fast asleep. She looked so cute. You noticed how true she was about her hands too. They looked tiny as they laid on the pillow next to her face. She was snuggled, hugging her duvet like it was a snuggly toy.

The sun started to peak through the blinds and hit Y/N directly in the face. She should wake up soon, you thought.

Y/N’S POV

You woke up to a small heat against your face and a lightened environment. It was now morning. You rubbed your eyes and slowly opened them. You checked over at the side table and grabbed your glasses to clearly see Jinyoung. He was wide awake.

“G-good morning.” There was a little more life in his voice but still groggy.

“Good morning, did you get some sleep? How do you feel?” You sat up with your legs crossed under the duvet.

“In small dosages, yes. I-I feel a b-bit more rested.” You shot him a smile and got up from your bed due to a knock at the door. Considering it wasn’t a doctor since they didn’t just come in you guessed it was a visitor of some sorts.

“I’ll get it.” You told Jinyoung and opened the door. Jinyoung was able to hear who you were talking to.

“Oh. Hi Mona, I’m guessing Beck sent you with all the things I asked for.”

“Yes Miss. I have your workwear in here and a light breakfast too. I’ve parked your car downstairs so you can get to work with no hassle. If that’s all, I’ll be off.”

You ruffled her hair for being so formal even though you knew each other for the past 4 years, “Stop being so formal. I know you’re my assistant and all but you’re also my friend. If there isn’t much work for you today why don’t you hang around and we can go to work together?”

“I’d love to Miss- “

You chuckled, “Stop with the Miss.”

“Fine. Mr Longing had some tasks planned for me to do when I got back and apparently they are urgent, so I’ll have to decline Y/N. Maybe another time.”

“Bummer. Alright, thank you for helping out. We can have a meal another time. I should be at the company before midday.”

“See you Y/N.” You waved Mona goodbye and headed back into the room. Jinyoung almost had a sulking face on and you never knew you needed to see him pouting in your entire life.

“Are you sulking… by any chance?” You stood at the end of Jinyoung’s bed and looked at his facial expression.

“No.” As he declined your outrageous question, he crossed his arms and looked away from you. You were dealing with grown baby.

“Could it possibly be because I need to head to work?”

“Hmph.” He kept his arms crossed. You didn’t know you’d see him in this way in your life.

If he was playing baby, let’s see what he felt when you told him, “I never really liked guys who sulked.” You weren’t being serious, but you just really wanted to get a reaction out of him.

He uncrossed his arms immediately, “I wasn’t sulking. I was just…”.

“Just?” You got him on edge, and it was funny to see you mostly in control of a situation this time round. He’d usually be the one with the upper hand but not this time. Still no answer.

“Cat caught your tongue Park?” You were having way too much fun.

“Damn. You really don’t like guys who sulk?” You couldn’t hold in the truth any longer.

“I don’t mind Jinyoung. I’m just playing with you.” You chuckled at his defeat.

“Phew. Back to what I was doing,” He crossed his arms again and faced away from you, “Don’t go.”

You couldn’t believe your eyes. He just switched back into a baby in milliseconds.

“No wonder why you’re an actor. Acting… shit. What’s going to happen with the drama?” It sunk to you how many things this situation has affected.

“P-postponed.” You felt shit again. He stopped with the sulking at this point and realised your drop in energy.

“Don’t worry about it Y/N. Things will be b-back to normal soon-“

Before Jinyoung could finish his words, his doctor rushed into the room. She seemed like she was out of breath. You looked at Jinyoung and you both eyed the doctor waiting for her to explain her rush.

“Sorry for…the sudden entrance. The… results-“ She was really longing out the news. Was it bad? Was it good? You couldn’t handle her short pauses.

“Can you just say it?”

“Yes… Miss. There’s good and bad news.” You looked at Jinyoung and his face was definitely different to how he was a minute ago. No longer a child but an adult.

“D-doc. Bad n-news first.”

“Mr Park… your vocal cords…” The doctor was also aware of how much Jinyoung’s vocal cords meant.

“Say it, Doc.” Jinyoung couldn’t take it anymore either.

“You won’t be able to sing...”

---

I can already hear all of you hating me for this ending too. I feel so evil. I was planning on continuing but I wanted to be a tease again. You’ll have to be back for the next episode to find out the good news. I wanted to say whilst writing this episode half of the time I was in delulu land. I felt sad having Jinyoung in such a vulnerable situation and thought what it would be like looking after him. I have left that land though, much healthier not thinking delulu.

I hope you guys enjoyed!

writer-nim x

[a-wandering-ghoulette]

MyRock ; issue n°44 (Jan/Feb 2017) A Nameless Ghoul from Ghost interview.

Photos: Manon Violence Interview: Mark Renton

2017 has been the year of all records for Ghost! After an exceptional concert at Hellfest, a nicely lead Download Festival (despite voice problems) and a France tour still in minds, the band then launched a triumphal American tour. Meanwhile, the satanic clergy also draw its awesome “Popestar”, EP lead with drums beating by the heady single “Square Hammer”. Telephonical talk with one Nameless Ghoul to take stock on the past, the present and future of this definitely fascinating band.

//Before continuing, note this issue is still available for international orders on their online shop. Direct link to this issue’s page in source! Don’t be surprised by the first cover shown there, it’s litteraly a two covered mag… The mag is meant to be read in 2 time: you start by one side, no matter which one, and when you reach the middle, you have to close it and flip it then tadaaa you have more to read on the 2nd side!//

(Read the full interview under the cut and feel free to point out mistakes!)

Hello, who’s calling? Nameless Ghoul: Hello! I’m one of the Nameless Ghouls.

Which one? Which instrument do you play in the band? N.G. : I’m our clergy’s official spokesperson. I’m also Ghost’s founder, main composer and, most of the time, I play guitar.

How do you feel at the approach of Papa Emeritus III’s end of reign? Because there’ll certainly be a new Papa Emeritus soon… N.G. : You’re right, we’re close to the end of a cycle. Personally, I always saw change as a good thing. It’s stimulating. We still have a lot of concerts to give in 2017, but I think I can safely say that at the end of the next year, all Nameless Ghouls will be tired of Papa Emeritus III! It’ll be nice to see a new leader coming to guide us.

How would you describe the personality of Papa Emeritus III compared to his predecessors? N. G. : First of all, Papa Emeritus III is an entertainer! He loves projectors, he loves the public, and he loves success. The first Papa Emeritus was someone very rigid, very strict, and very solemn. A real son of a bitch! (laughs) To be honest, we don’t miss him at all! Papa Emeritus II was a pervert a little bit sadistic, and, in hindsight, I think he wasn’t very at ease on stage. He wasn’t a showman, unlike Papa Emeritus III! Him, he’s the guide we missed to rise up the quality of our shows, to reach the step above and communicate with our fans. We will be eternally thankful for his work. I believe he have paved the way for his successor…

Precisely, what are you waiting from the future Papa Emeritus IV? N.G. : Well, I want him to be scary. That he bring back something more tenebrous, while remaining spectacular. Broadly speaking, I want the next album to come back to a gloomier atmosphere.

Fueled by ego

On a more personal viewpoint, what is your relationship with your character? N.G. : What’s exciting me the most with Ghost, it’s that the project is a real challenge for the individuals involved. Everybody is on an equal footing. Furthermore, there’s something really thrilling to embody a character which is a part of yourself, but never totally you. Traditionally, rock stars always reach the point where they fuse with their creature. In the end, rock’s always been fueled by ego. Even if you’re part of a fully honest and underground band, you’ll always have this desire to be under the spotlights, to be recognize, famous and loved. Those pretending the contrary are liars. Roughly, no matter the music you make, you all secretly dream to be a kind of Justin Bieber. (laughs) To be masked is something very different. It’s a kind of anomaly in the entertainment system. Because every day, you never receive the admiration you deserve. When I’m not on stage with Ghost, I’m going back in anonymity. It’s very positive for me. I would say, my character brings me some stability in my daily life. But I’m aware my case is a bit special since I’m Ghost’s main composer and thus I’ll always be linked in a way or another to this project. But being in the obscurity is sometime more complicated to manage for the other Nameless Ghouls…

This mystery surrounding Ghost inevitably attracts the fans curiosity. This year, some of them started a vast quest to discover your identities. We imagine it’s part of the game, but what are you feeling regarding it? N.G. : From the beginning, we knew it’ll be impossible to keep the secret until the end. It’s already a miracle we held this long. (laughs) Personally, it doesn’t matter. I think the work accomplished pays its own way. I mean, our albums, our concerts and our universes are that strong they succeed to supplant the reality. Today, people don’t care to know who’s under Papa Emeritus’ hat. When they come to see us play, they want the real Papa. It’s a bit like if our creature ended up escaping us to live its own life.

2017 has been a successful year for Ghost, with appearances in huge festivals, a colossal American tour and the worldwide success of the EP “Popestar”. How did you live that? N.G. : This year has been amazing on every points, really! We’ve been able to see how much the band has grown by federating more fans. However, I’m not someone who contemplate our success and congratulate myself. The past doesn’t interest me. But the future does. When we take a step forward I always try to have in mind the next one. 5 years ago, we played at the Olympia supporting In Flames and Trivium. It happens that on 11 April next we’ll come back, this time as the headliner. But instead of rejoicing, I like to tell myself: “OK, it’s cool, but what I really want to do is Bercy!”. And if one day we make it to Bercy as the headliner, I know in a corner of my head there’ll be the Stade de France. I’m ambitious. (laughs)

I come from extreme metal.

Ghost is one of the rare bands to link metal to the general public. Do you think it explains this popularity? N.G. : I think, yes. We see more and more diversity in the public at our gigs. Of course, there are metalheads with long hair and battle jacket, but there are also hipsters, girls who usually listen to pop music, and alternative rock lovers. I find it fantastic. You know, musically, I come from extreme metal. It’s been in my genes since my teenage years. I listen to many other things, but it’s where I come from. It’s my identity and it’s what forged my mentality. At the point that, when Ghost began to be successful, I started to feel guilty. I had that feeling I transgressed underground metal’s tactical rules, which are systematic rejection of success and popularity. It took me a lot of abnegation to understand success isn’t nefarious, on the contrary, it’s the reward for an hard work. And deep down I think I was scared to be rejected by my own community, to be treated like a sellout.

Have you ever been confront to animosity from fundamentalists metalheads? N.G. : Oh yes, mostly now! On internet, some start to let their hate flow on Ghost. But it’s OK, I understand. Myself, if I wasn’t in the band, I think I would hate Ghost. (laughs) Because in metal, once a band makes money, they’re sellout. It’s like this and I accept it. It’s also an old metalhead’s thing. People who were here during the rise of the extreme genres grew up with a certain code of conduct, with a more rigid thinking. By the way, I’m going to tell you a secret: some of my best friends abhor Ghost. They hate the band. They don’t understand what we do, they think it’s crap. But it’s nothing. They can. They stay my friends after all. (laughs) It’s different with kids, they are more open minded. But in hindsight, I’m figuring out that me too, in my daily life, I’m an old fart. (laughs) I listen to a small amount of new things. Nothing give me more joy than a good old “Master of Puppets”, a “Seven Churches” by Possessed, or a King Diamond, my hero!

King Diamond & Merciful Fate.

Would you say King Diamond was the biggest inspiration for Ghost, in terms of theatricality? N.G. : Indeed! As far as I remember, I’ve always listened to King Diamond and Merciful Fate. At home, my mother listened to a lot of 60’s and 70’s classic rock, like Beatles, Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin. My brother, him, listened to harder stuff like AC/DC, Sex Pistols, Rainbow… I liked all of this, but when my neighbor introduce me to King Diamond I had the feeling to be someone special. I was listening to this crazy stuff that no one else knew at home! I was 8 and, at this age, as you can imagine, I was very marked by his albums’ visuals. King Diamond is the one who open me the door to this gloomy universe which is now find in Ghost.

Kid from the 80’s.

We also guess an interest for the 80’s! If previously you made a cover of Depeche Mode, your EP “Popestar” offer us covers of Echo & The Bunnymen and Eurythmics. N.G. : I’m a kid from the 80’s, it’s the soundtrack of my life. I think it’s mostly thanks to the radio, which was always switch on at home. I like all classics: Mike Oldfield, Nik Kershaw, Eurythmics, Midnight Oil… When I was a teenage, I kind of liked to show of and act like a thoug one who only listen to extreme metal, but secretly, in my bedroom, I listened to Duran Duran, Spandau Ballet and Bronski Beat. (laughs) And, in the end, Ghost is exactly this: a mix of Kiss, Depeche Mode and Merciful Fate with a bit of Pink Floyd over it, especially “The Piper at the Gates of Dawn” and “A Saucerful of Secrets”.

On your last EP, there is the heady single “Square Hammer”. It’s the first time you embrace that clearly pop’s codes. Is this song representative of the sound you would like to have on the next album? N.G. : You know, album after album, each time we ask ourselves how far we can go. It was already the case with “Infestissumam”. At the time, we wondered if the song “Ghuleh/Zombie Queen” wasn’t too much. After a moment of hesitation we were like “Fuck! Black Sabbath made ballads so why not us?”. On “Meliora”, we wondered if there weren’t too many ballads. Then, when we composed “Square Hammer”, we found the title too direct, too effective. We were scared our fans wouldn’t understand. We’ve always had this metalhead consciousness tugging us. But in the end, we thought a good song is a good song, no matter the shape. So to answer your question, I think our next disc will wander further more into these melodies, indeed.

You have a break until the resumption of the tour, on March. Will you write the new album while you’re at it? N.G. : Of course! I’m already on it, I have some new songs…  And a good idea where I want to go with this album, but it’s too early to talk about it. The problem is the 2017 tour will extend and I’m not sure we’ll have the time to finish the recording before going back on the roads. I think we’ll finish it in late 2017, with a potential release in 2018. Earlier seems difficult to me! All I can tell you is that visually, the next album’s imagery will come back to something way darker than “Meliora”.

What can we expect for your next date at the Olympia, on 11 April next? N.G. : I saw today that our concert is sold out, it’s amazing! It’ll be very alike shows we gave in the USA this year. We have a stage structure more sizable compared to the last time we came in France. Visually, the show will be impressive, but we’ll also play some rare titles. The only deception is we won’t have the pyrotechnical effects, because they aren’t authorized at the Olympia. So it’ll has to work doubly hard! You know, we love to play in France. We are always very well hosted here. Moreover, what I most loved since the release of “Meliora” it’s to play again and again in France. I really saw our public grow out there when it comes to Hellfest or Rock en Seine. To feel appreciated like this is the greatest reward. Furthermore, the food is succulent in France, people are lovely and you have this attitude a bit impertinent which is rather close to that of Ghost. France, it’s our second home. We’re eager to be back at the Olympia and to party with you! (Translator note: Ooooh you and your sweet like honey words~ We love you too, dear.)

Bonus anecdote:

(Almost) naked with James Hetfield! Our new friend Nameless Ghoul is an ultimate fan of Metallica. Before becoming friend with James Hetfield, he met him in circumstances rather… embarrassing: “Metallica, it’s the greatest band in the world! I hadn’t have time to fully savor their last album but I’m so happy to know they’re alive and in great shape.  It also means they will tour, and thus we’ll get the occasion to meet on the road. James Hetfield has been one of Ghost’s first supports. I had the chance to meet him several times, and since we often message each other. The first time he’s been introduced to me, the situation was rather… surrealistic. We were in our lodge, changing ourselves, and here come James Hetfield suddenly appearing by the door to say hi. And you know what? I was in underwear! It was the most embarrassing situation of my life! I was there, in underwear, in front of my greatest idol! How embarrassing!”

[myfanfictiongarden]

The fact that the season 3 finale Miraculous Queen is supposed to make the audience cry just like the ML crew did makes me wonder what we are about to get... especially when there already exists an episode that apparently had everything you wished for (and never thought coming). An episode that pretty much changed everything. I’m talking about Queen’s Battle: Queen Wasp. After re-watching it I stand by the opinion that this was one of the greatest things to happen. 

(Now bear with me, this is gonna be a looong post, but you will see why)

Time for a quick recap!

We first see Gabriel talking to Emille (!!!) making it already the second time- first was in Style Queen- we see her in person. In the very end of Gorizilla we were shown some odd place that was apparently under the Agreste mansion, but now we know this is the place where Emille is, APPARENTLY IN SOME MAGICAL SLEEP!!! freaking talk about shocking opening. And to make it more gutt wrenching Gabriel decides (after the events of Style Queen) that he won’t risk endangering their son’s life and takes off his Miraculous, and GIVES UP THE FIGHT TO SAVE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND LEAVES FOR HIS OFFICE COMPLETELY BROKEN 

do I even have to talk about this scene? never thought an simple hug would ever mess up so much

while it was wonderful to see Marinette enjoy having her design be in the spotlight

the next unexpected thing is even greater as we see Gabriel suddenly appeared on the scene, slowly going towards an completely surprised Adrien AND THEN THEY HUG! all the people around are forgotten and ADRIEN IS JUST SO HAPPY

Nadia Chamack mentions Gabriel hasn’t had any appearances in the public for over a year ever since his wife disappeared (makes you wonder what the public thinks has happened, I mean they both are known public figures)

it is interesting seeing Gabriel interact with other people as we see he and Audrey are well aquatinted

You may not like Gabriel and his parenting, but Audrey makes him look like parent-of-the-year, and you start to realize in just what an position Chloe spend her childhood

I can’t blame Chloe for doing the stupidest and most dangerous thing because we now know she has been ignored and called “un-special” by her mother probably more then once

For everybody wondering why Gabriel decided to go back to villain-business that quickly: a spoiled girl he knows well just presented a Miraculous in front of him, a Miraculous he did not know was in Paris, and not only could he use an unloved and spoiled girl (with a Miraculous) as an powerful victim, this all also meant there must somewhere be a place with even more Miraculous to grab nearby WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY (This car drive must have been awkward with both of them actually waiting to go in action, but both of them are so collected, you see they are father and son. )Also, the first thing Adrien does is say how he hopes Chloe won’t do anything rushingly as he does know her well and truly is concerned

Chloe going to arrange an train accident and calling the reporters to come and broadcast her saving people is the lowest Chloe has ever done, and you know this is going to be an turning point

Getting bashed like that in front of cameras and by her own mother (who is a world famous fashion critic) could only further Chloe’s despair

And here comes Hawkmoth, offering her a way to prove herself and she accepts because she doesn’t see another way

And now one of my favorite scenes in this show. Queen Wasp is defeated and Chloe is standing there with the Bee Miraculous in her hand begging Ladybug to give her a second chance while at the same time Audrey repeats to the reporters what a waste of time her daughter is, but Ladybug and Chat Noir do offer her a second chance, a chance to stand by her mistakes and like a real hero learn from it. Chloe not only gives her Miraculous willingly back, she also apologizes and by it truly becomes closer a hero. (do I smell a possible redemption for Hawkmoth?)

Marinette too grows by deciding to help Chloe confront her mother

This scene. Chloe needs so much courage to ask this simple question, and you see the toil she takes up. „Why don’t you love me, mother?” THAT WAS FREAKING SAD! (especially as we see that her mother is not capable to love her the way Chloe needs her to, the only thing they bond over is how bossy they both are)

We then cut to Gabriel once again talking to Emille about how Ladybug made a mistake he can use in the future and how soon they’ll be together once more. (idk the right wording, but I’m sure he calls her “my love”) Back in the office Nathalie appears and asks him what about his decision to stop being HM, to which he responds that he can’t stop as he misses her (Emille) too much.

Now, while Nathalie at first nodes in understanding after exiting the room there is a huge change in her. She leans on the closed door nearly out of breath, her whole usually emotionless manner gone, AND THE LINES ON THE DOOR BEHIND HER LOOK LIKE A PEACOCK TAIL! 

foreshadowing at it’s best

The episode ends with Marinette reflecting on how she won’t leave Paris any time soon as her heart hangs too much on it. So, why did I do that long a recap? To talk about the following things:

1.) there is a huge focus on Chloé for a reason. In s1 she starts off as a spoiled, rich and bossy girl that you dislike the moment she first appears on screen, and yet ever since Antibug (where she is genuinely happy that Sabrina is her friend again) there have been hints that she may have a hidden good side to her. And season 2 follows that path further with Despair Bear where she seriously re-thinks her behavior (true, it’s only because Adrien says they can’t be friends if she continues to be so mean to everyone, but it is a beginning), Zombiezou has her apologize the first time ever (she not only apologized to Mmd. Bustier but also prevented Ladybug to be “kissed”), and then there is this three episodes of Queens Battle which all further her development. She tries to save Adrien from Style Queen while at the same time helping Ladybug to defeat her, she then hits the lowest after being ignored by her own mother and scolded by the hero she looks up to only to face the consequences and make the first steps in becoming a hero by giving her Miraculous back- despite her mother still calling her waste of time, and finally while fighting Maledictator she admits of feeling useless and unloved only to be assured by Ladybug that no one is useless and that even she can have a purpose. Chloé fell into the spoiled brat role because her mother ignores her and her father spoils her, and being a brat is the easiest thing to do. But she also genuinely wants to change- even though she still doesn’t know how to actually do it. The difference between her and Lila is the fact that Chloé is mean because she doesn’t know better while Lila choose to be manipulating even though she could be nice. And since Lila’s role started to grow in s3 and we were able to see how far she is capable of going, while at the same time Chloé has been on a redemption arc fore some while, I’m sure the season 3 finale will have them somehow clash together, there simply has to be a moment where at its peak Chloé will truly embrace the good while Lila will further cling to the darkness.

2.) the big elephant in the room ever since this episode has aired was the role of Nathalie and the nature of her feelings towards her employer, and since Stormy Weather 2 in s3 it has been confirmed: she fell in love with Gabriel Agreste. Now, SW2 did paint the picture in the most sensitive manner possible (we listen to her thoughts as she explains how her job has turned out to be different then what she thought, how she likes Adrien and felt sad watching Emille’s state getting worse and how her affections towards Gabriel have grown due to his commitment towards his family) but that did not change the possibility of drama that was opened since Queen Wasp. During all of season 1 she has been a minor character, a side character you did not pay much attention to, appearing once in a while, acting rather cold and distant, apparently very job oriented and as it seemed not important to the plot. Since this episode however (and her growing part in s3) she seems to be integral to the plot. While it was odd that as a personal assistant she wouldn’t notice her boss doing villain business, ep1 of season 2 The Collector proved she was very well aware of his activities. Not only that, Style Queen has her “actively” help create the titular villain. Not only that, Queen Wasp has her show so much emotions like never before which- even being a most simple hug- bears so much weight. And not only that, but in the season finale we see that she was truly actively included into all of Hawkmoth’s planing, goes to willingly be akumatized and when HM becomes cornered by the heroes has her take the Peacock Miraculous and turn into Mayura. Now, ep 5 The Pupeteer of s3 hasn’t aired yet so it’s unclear for us what happened that she took again up the role of Mayura (remember, using the Miraculous makes the user ill and Gabriel was more then reluctant on anybody ever using it again) but what ever it was must be essential as by now she isn’t an assistant on the sidelines but an active enforcer. I have absolutely no idea what they have planed for her but the fact that she was named to be Hawkmoth’s “boss” in season 3 makes you wonder.

3.) Emille is the key to freaking EVERYTHING. No kidding. Where ever you turn she seems to be connected to it and actually is the reason why we have Hawkmoth in the first place. Isn’t it kinda weird (even in this universe) that a fashion designer and an actress decided to make ancient-magic their hobby? From what Gabriel and Adrien let slip she seems to be the nicest person to have ever walked earth. And yet she seems to have been fully aware of Gabriel going Darth if something ever happened to her and actually helped create a plan how to do it (a plan is mentioned in Heroes Day 1)????!!!!! Maybe learning what happened to her may not be the most emotional part of Miraculous Queen and yet when it happens it will be the most important one.

4.) Adrien learning Hawkmoth’s identity (possibly?) idk about this, it may still be too early if they have more seasons planed, but him learning that his father is the villain he fights and that his missing mother is actually kept in magic-sleep under the house would shock him for sure. Or maybe there is no need for a full reveal, the show could possibly just throw hints in his way and make him suspect what happened to his mother... that would be most interesting indeed.

Conclusion: there is some drama coming up. Serious drama.

[themusicview]

Falling Down the Hole: The Downward Spiral in Retrospect

The year is 1994.  The place is Woodstock, New York.  The crowd is abuzz, despite having slogged through mud and paid outrageous prices to be here.  A single name rises above the rabble, Nine Inch Nails, a teenage war chant accompanied by pumping fists.  A pounding industrial beat comes on, sounding like machinery dredged up from the bowels of Hell itself.  The cheers only grow louder as the band takes their places.  They are a disheveled sight, caked in mud from head to toe, sloppy, almost inhuman looking.  One picks up a guitar and begins to play a rising chord progression, distorted, angry, feral. They are Nine Inch Nails, and they are the newest addition to the rock pantheon.

25 years later, Nine Inch Nails may not remain as relevant as they were on that night in 94, but their legacy is secure.  Frontman Trent Reznor managed to capture the particular angst of the 90s in a way that made it seem terrifyingly real and raw.  Reznor would yell, scream, throw microphones, destroy keyboards, and endanger audience safety in their incredibly intense live shows.  However, before 1994, they were unable to translate that energy onto record.  Perhaps only 1992’s Broken EP came the closest, but even that lacked the same lyrical rawness of Pretty Hate Machine. That changed with their masterpiece, The Downward Spiral, an album which manages to provide excellent tunes and a terrifying concept that hasn’t aged a day.  With a society that deals more and more with issues of depression, alienation, social rejection, and uncontrolled id with each passing day, The Downward Spiral serves as a warning to what happens when we go too far and fall too deep.

Before we can speak about the album, we need to contextualize it, because like most bands, context is just as important in evaluating an album as the music itself.  In 1992, Nine Inch Nails were going through extreme turmoil, with their label, and their personal lives.  The band’s label, TVT Records, had placed extreme pressure on the band to produce a follow up to their modestly successful debut album, Pretty Hate Machine. During the course of this pressuring, Reznor learned that the label was going to be taking away creative control from the band, turning them into, as he put it, “Depeche Mode Part 2.”  Reznor was having none of it, and demanded to be released from his contract.  TVT records refused.   As a result, he had to record the follow up EP, Broken, in secret from the label. Reznor eventually signed with Interscope Records and created his own sub-label, Nothing Records.  As he put it. “We made it very clear we were not doing another record for TVT.  But they made it pretty clear they weren't ready to sell.  So I felt like, well, I've finally got this thing going but it's dead. … Jimmy Iovine got involved with Interscope, and we kind of got slave-traded.  It wasn't my doing. I didn't know anything about Interscope. … But Interscope went into it like they really wanted to know what I wanted.  It was good, after I put my raving lunatic act on.”

Having regained control of his music, Reznor retreated and began to work on a follow up to the Broken EP. He was looking for a happy medium sound, something between the harshness of Broken and the anger of Pretty Hate. Looking for a studio space, he rented out 10050 Cielo Drive, the place where the Manson Family murdered Sharon Tate, and converted the infamous house into a recording studio.  Over the course of the next year, Reznor would produce The Downward Spiral.

The Downward Spiral opens with a sample of a prison guard beating a prisoner from George Lucas’ debut feature film, THX 1138.  This clip is a perfect summation of the album’s treatment of first time listeners.  In this metaphor, you, the listener, are the prisoner being beaten.  As the sample speeds up, like an engine being turned over, the opening track, Mr. Self Destruct, takes off like a rocket.  The first time I turned on the album, I nearly blew out my headphones it was so loud and abrasive.  However, once I got used to the sound, I found myself rocking along.  The album shifts between sulky, funky synthpop tracks, and blistering fast metal.  I know this makes the album sound binary, but there are so many layers to the synthpop and metal. Compare the album’s second track, Piggy, and the fifth track, Closer; where the former is a slinky, almost slimy villain song, the latter is a sexy funk jam that wouldn’t be out of place in a BDSM film, complete with effect pedal drenched guitar and screamed, almost orgasmically delivered vocals. The degredation of this, “sex I can smell” is not something to be avoided, it is something to be fully embraced.

While the music on this album is excellent from beginning to end, it is the concept that propels it from merely great, to legendary status.  When questioned about the identity of Mr. Self Destruct, the album’s protagonist, Reznor replied that Mr. Self Destruct is him, but the version of him that follows all of his vices to the bitter, most extreme, end.  The album tells its story through careful layering of metaphor and music, with the narrative binding lyric of, “Nothing can stop me now, cuz I don’t care anymore.”  Needless to say, this lack of caring doesn’t end well for him.  Mr. Self Destruct’s journey of hedonism and, well, self-destruction, leads to him losing faith in God, humanity, and himself, and culminates in his suicide in the album’s title track.  “He couldn’t believe how easy it was.  (he put the gun into his face) Bang! (so much blood for such a tiny little hole) Problems do have solutions you know.  A lifetime of fucking things up fixed, in one determined flash.”  The problem is not the man, but the uncaring, the malignant hatred that forces people to their basest instincts to chase highs in a meaningless world where God is dead and no one cares.  

The Downward Spiral is a warning against such uncaring, and it is presented in such a raw, unfiltered way because it was painfully ripped out of Trent Reznor’s own guts.  Reznor used his own journal as inspiration for lyrics when writing the album, and composed everything to be in line with the personal vision he had. Struggling with depression, thoughts of suicide, and a drug problem that would later in his life almost kill him, he wrote a treatise on how easy it is for people to fall down the rabbit hole of poor decisions.  By the time we reach the album’s ninth track, Mr. Self Destruct has completely retreated into his own mind, the only place where he can find refuge from the swirling torrent of hell his life has become, but even that is quickly usurped.

Hurt, the album’s closer, found first here on The Downward Spiral and eventually made famous by Johnny Cash, describes the end result of following every impulse, including suicide.  Mr. Self Destruct is reduced to a machine that must hurt himself in order to feel anything, pondering, “If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself.  I would find a way.”   The album ends, not in triumph, but in human suffering.That’s the most appropriate word, I think, for this album: human.   Most concepts, and concept albums by extension, feel alien to any listener, but The Downward Spiral’s concept is something people live out daily.  Generally, we don’t have experience with becoming a martian rockstar a la Ziggy Stardust, but we all know the fear of losing ourselves to vice.  Ziggy is an unreachable ideal that plays guitar; you could make one bad choice, and turn into Mr. Self Destruct tomorrow. Despite being made of abrasive textures and screamed lyrics purpose built to convey artificiality, the album relates a deeply human fear. And, as the album’s continued longevity proves, the audience, like the Woodstock kids, continues to move to it’s poignant message today.

[formerlyrunephoenix6769]

Catra: Journey to Redemption.

(Long post and spoilers for Season 1 SPOP)

In the run up to the release of ‘She-Ra: Princesses of Power.’ season 2 on April 26th 2019, I have been seeing lots of posts about our resident, ‘misguided; villain and all around badass who knows damn well how to rock a suit. 

Yes, of course, I am talking about Catra!

The nature of the posts I have been seeing have all had a similar vein or sentiment. 

“Give Catra her redemption arc.”  or  “Start Catra’s redemption arc.” 

I am just as hopeful as the the next person for Catra to have a redemption arc, if that is in fact what Noelle Stevenson and the rest of the team have planned for the character. But one thing I will say, is ‘patience’ and a small warning to be prepared,  

Catra is going to get much worse before she can even begin to get better! 

Catra could not possibly even begin to start on a path of redemption by the end of S2 because at the end of S1, she hasnt even begun to explore the full depths of her villainy.  (Being we dont know exactly how many seasons are planned, or what the overall narrative end goal is when it comes to the final conflict and Good triumphing over Evil, much of this is speculative. 

We can however use Avatar Last Airbender and the industry standard of best Redemption Arc ever, in all mediums, Zuko, and their timeline, which I think Noelle Stevenson said in an interview that if a redemption arc was to occur, that they would like to do something that could stand next to Zuko’s redemption arc. 

I will also be using Joseph Campbell’s Hero With a Thousand Faces, and his hero’s journey map as a resource but try implement it for villains)  

If you would like to take a look at my thoughts on redemption arcs in general the feel free to check out the link below. 

https://formerlyrunephoenix6769.tumblr.com/post/182640410231/are-all-villains-redeemable

I’ll be covering similar sentiments here. 

Ok first. 

TIMELINE:. 

ATLAB is only 3 BOOKs long, however the number of episodes, 61 over all, containing 20 minimum in each Book is far more than SPOP’s standard 13, meaning that technically Zuko’s redemption arc played out over just under 6 SPOP seasons, meaning that Zuko’s penultimate episodes, detrimental to his redemption arc, ‘Blue Spirit’ episode 13 in Book 1 and ‘Zuko Alone’  Episode 7 of Book 2, didnt technically take place until till the end of season 1 and half way through season 3 ... going off an SPOP standard time. 

Meaning there was over a season and a half between Zuko doing something right for the wrong reasons and also then moving off to really begin the start of his redemption arc in earnest, which he continues to struggle with right the way into Book 3 ( season 5/6)  

The difference here, I would also like to point out is that Zuko at the very beginning of ATLAB is already technically way ahead of Catra due to him being physically away from his ‘abuser’ and direct control of the life long indoctrination. He also has one up on Catra at this point as he has a ‘Mentor/Guide’ helping to facilitate the transition and help him see the error of his ways.

Technically, this puts Zuko’s character development on the road to redemption (OTRTR)  at least ONE season ahead of Catra. Meaning that his moment of ‘doing something right for the wrong reasons’ in ‘Zuko Alone.’ does not take place until at least the end of season 2, SPOP standard time! 

In other words... 

It's going to take some time for a pussy riot to manifest.

Taking this into account. 

SIMILARITIES AND DIFFERENCES. 

We can not continue without addressing the fact that there are many similarities and differences between the supposed ‘villains’. 

Both were the Scape Goat to a favoured Golden Child yet their interactions with the ‘Gold Child’ are vastly different. 

For Zuko, Azula was an antagonist. For Catra, Adora was an ally. 

Both suffered abuse from their primary caregiver, both were belittled and chastised for supposedly being ‘lesser’. However the fundamental difference is their reactions, Zuko continued to attempt to receive his Father’s favour, whilst Catra, on the surface didn't care, resulting in acting rebelliously. 

Both have issues surrounding self worth and how they express it is vastly different. 

Zuko is hugely unaware of his ‘Empire’s’ indoctrination and the imperialistic rule, believing the propaganda he was raised with. 

Whilst Catra is fully aware of the Horde and its intentions. 

And I think this is worthy of note!

Their ‘villainy’ and motivations are seated in entirely different places. 

Zuko starts out  wishing to ‘reclaim his honour’, prove his worth in his father’s eyes, and reclaim his birthright as the heir to the Fire Nation throne, in the words of his sister,

  It is only as he travels over the next SPOP SDT, 4 seasons that he realises his true purpose. 

Catra, is aware the Horde is evil, is given an opportunity to leave, but chooses not to, instead she willingly sets herself on a dark path to gain power and prove her self worth to everyone around her, esp her abuser, step mom of the year, Shadow Weaver,

Thus setting up the whole shenanigans of SPOP season 1.  

CONFLICT. 

As I covered in my previous post in the link above, a redemption arc cannot occur without showing that the ‘villain’ is conflicted. 

A redemption should be a slow burn, from starting point of why/how they are villains,  also showing the seeds of discontent, inner conflict, conflict of their actions, conflict of their ideals,  whether indoctrinated/learned/or their own misguided musings, then later a larger amount of focus should be placed on how they have overcome that villainy and change of perspective culminating with coming full circle.

What makes Zuko’s particular redemption arc so good is the work that goes into showing this. The time, the attention to detail, not being shied away from by the writers, that  intentionally trickles down and infuses with the character’s essence of being. 

Yes, Catra is conflicted about her relationship with Adora and what Adora means to her. 

This conflict about her and Adora’s relationship was partially resolved with Catra taking Adora’s motivations the wrong way, due to her own issues surrounding her self worth. 

This ‘resolution’ only serves to push Catra further down the a dark path.

But we have yet to see Catra conflicted about her actions and dont expect to see that happen until after we see her fully embrace her villainy, which by the end of S1, she was nowhere near close to doing. (See Triggers and Turning points)

Meaning that “Catra Alone”  might not even occur until midway S3  and actual beginnings of feeling conflicted about her actions, until S4.  

TRIGGER A TURNING POINT.

So we have discussed conflict. Conflict about ones actions can come about in many different forms, but it must be triggered by something that is enough to shake the core foundations of a villains motivations. 

In order for it to be believable and carry weight, a villain cannot  suddenly overnight go, 

 And the protagonists accept it at face value, as the audience wont.  

 A redemption should be a slow burn, from starting point of why/how they are villains and most importantly,  focus on how they have struggled to overcome that villainy and change their perspective. 

The link below is to a previous post, with an avenue of thought of what could trigger Catra on ONRTR.

https://formerlyrunephoenix6769.tumblr.com/post/182601000156/catra-could-she-be-a-lost-princess-and-if-so

Another avenue of thought is that Adora is gravely injured. I am not normally one for such an easy and over done trope but in this instance it is highly possible, because as it stands now, Catra has never nastily physically injured Adora, only She-Ra! 

(When she raked her darn claws down She-Ra’s back. Showing that Catra see’s a difference between to two personalities and isn't as of yet willing to cross that line... Maybe crossing that line will be a stepping stone to embracing her chosen darker path?) 

In fact, Catra has gone out of her way to avoid just that, much preferring to go after Adora emotionally.  

FALLING INTO OLD PATTERNS:

Even after ‘Zuko Alone’ and the Ba Sing Say arc, Zuko begins on a false start redemption by bonding with Katara but by the next episode falls back into old patterns by choosing to side with Azula as the ties that bind and the potential to reclaim his birthright is too hard to ignore. 

Which is totally normal for a teenager. 

This adds so much depth to his inner conflict, a catalyst that later cements his realisation at his true purpose, ushering him through the gates of his redemption arc, towards trying to make amends with the protagonists before they can accept him.   

Catra strikes me as someone who will never be wholly ‘good’, in the sense of the word when it is applied to Bow, Glimmer or Adora, but rather someone who will make super dark comments and morally grey suggestions of how to deal with an issue, which is what we have been shown of her from the very beginning. 

It is hard to say is Catra will ever have this step in a redemption arc due to her already morally grey nature, this could very well be skipped over entirely. 

Narratively speaking and characterization wise, this particular part of an arc could present itself not as a ‘false start’ but could come from ‘Subterfuge and infiltration’ , whereby Catra pretends to come to their side only for her to betray them later, for her own ends. 

OR, 

We could very well have a ‘false start’, where she is trapped with any of the protagonists and they need to work together to escape, similar to the aptly named  ATLAB ep 40 ‘The Crossroads of Destiny’ and SPOPS s1e9 ‘Promise’, which would be a nice mirror, from a narrative standpoint, only for her to run off and return to the Horde once free. 

Again note, that this false start occured for Zuko the very end of S3 SPOP SDT. 

CONCLUSIONS.

Before Catra’s Redemption arc can come to fruition , we need her to go on her journey. Something akin to this, but for villains. 

On this map, if Resurrection is Catra being genuinely accepted by the protagonists as being changed and truly on their side.  I would see Catra as in between Meeting of Mentor (Hordak) and Crossing the Threshold into full blown villany 

So, we need to see her, 

1) Become a true villain. 

2) 1st Trigger.

3) baby Conflict

4)False start, falling into old patterns

5) 2nd Trigger

6)Conflict and Realisation/ (Seizing the Treasure) 

7) Through the Gates 

8) Trial of Proof.

9) Acceptance/Resurrection. 

We could be waiting for some time for a Catra redemption arc to kick in, and please dont be disappointed or frothing at the mouth if we dont see it starting in Season 2... No matter how much you want it out of the way so that ‘other’ things can occur.. 

Please keep in mind.. 

A good Redemption Arc has to be earned! And doing it well takes time!

MEANWHILE  ...

There is ALL OF THIS.... 

I dont even know where to begin starting to unwrap all this tension and awkwardness., 

Think I’m going to leave that for a an entirely different post.

[nicerackcanada]

Building guitar rigs at Nice Rack Canada is an enjoyable way to spend every work day, but occasionally things get dialled up a notch, or 3.

A fantastic client recently came to our shop with a few boxes full of his favourite audio tools, wanting them built into a comprehensive guitar rig that could answer any of his creative urges.

The client gave us carte blanche to devise the signal flow and make hardware choices as we deemed fit for the task.

The criteria for the rig was;

Pristine Dry Tones

Lush, Warm & Deep Effects

Homages to the client’s musical heroes

Instant Accessibility to every function & favourite presets

Forward Flexibility

We developed this Wet / Dry / Wet system to capitalize on the client’s extensive collection of Marshalls and Marshall clones. Although the client is a dedicated Jimmy Page fan, he does not like the aesthetic of three of Page’s “secret weapons”, Supros, the AC30 & Whammy pedal. Hence we added the Fractal Audio Axe FX II XL+ to cover the Supro, AC30 & Whammy Pedal tones.

Starting right from the beginning of the signal chain at the guitar we spec’d the Shure Axient UHF system. Switching the input frequencies was the first homage to a hero, the Mike Hill Input Switcher as used by Angus Young.

Sharp eyes may notice that the 3x Furman units are seeing different input voltages. Here’s why. The primary Furman is the P1800AR which regulates output to 120VAC from the 105 to 125VAC input range, this unit powers the Effects Rack & the secondary Furman (PL-8) in the UHF Rack. The PL-8 supplies power to the UHF system, switcher, battery chargers & VariAC. The output of the VariAC supplies the 3rd Furman (PL-8) , which supplies “browned” 110VAC to the Amplifiers.

Continuing the homage to heroes a Solo Dallas Shaffer Replica Boost was installed in the system. The companding effect of this boost is truly it’s own unique flavour that must be played through to understand the simple beauty of this tool that helped shape the history of rock n roll.

Also visible in this photo is a custom system mixer for Delay & Reverb “Spillover”, with switchable Phase Inversion for the Wet signal. Also in the box are Switchable Phase Inverters & Ground Isolation Transformers for each amp feed

A 2nd homage can be seen in this photo, a pair of Tape Echoes in stereo. We had pushed for original Maestros, but based on availability had to settle for units pictured made by some jerk in California. As with any product made by the Trumpian pedal cloner who hates Canada, we’ll discount the labour time involved in substituting any of his pieces in any system build. Once we can find the right Tape Echoes in mint condition, the Tape Echoes by Asshat will be gone.

To fully exploit the potential of the Axe FX II XL+’s signal routing capabilities, we have engineered a switching solution using the RJM Music Effect Gizmos to be able to place the Axe FX “pre” connections before or after the collection of analog Boosts, OD’s & Fuzzes.

The “post” connections of the Axe FX on a per preset basis can be routed into the analog Left & Right Wet Amps for effects only presets, or into the FRFR cabinets with Amp & Cabinet simulations in use.

The TC Electronic G Major 2 was chosen for the system to cover the myriad of classic TC Electronic Effects flavours in the most compact & MIDI integrated unit that TC manufactures.

In Drawer #1 we have some modern classics by Strymon, the Big Sky, TimeLine & Deco. The Deco has been modded to accept MIDi control via an RJM Music Mini Amp Gizmo to engage the Saturation, Double & Favourite Functions.

The Analogman Chorus has a unique flavour about it that the client loves and it stands out from the other Choruses in the rig by Fractal, TC Electronic & Strymon.

The MXR Phaser has been owned by the client since it was brand new. To honour it’s history we replaced the bottom plate with a modified version that allows for connections to a regulated & isolated power supply without devaluing the enclosure.

In Drawer #2 things get a lot hairier, and a little smoother.

The Tone Bender comes with a little modern rock history having been acquired from Mike Turner of Our Lady Peace.

Stuart Castledine’s beautifully crafted Olympic Fuzz takes the harmonics a little hotter. For convenience and ethics, we replaced the bottom plate with a modified version that allows for connections to a regulated & isolated power supply, while allowing battery source materials to be used to power the economy of the future.

Chicago Iron’s take on the Octavio cranks the harmonic stacking into “hang on for the ride” territory, with all the bliss you can imagine that the ride would bring.

Each of the Fuzz pedals has a custom Nice Rack Canada “Fuzz Buffer” in line before the pedal to optimize the input impedance to match the output of the client’s favourite Les Paul.

Regardless of which effect may be in the signal path before the fuzz, the fuzz pedal “breaks up” as it would with the Les Paul plugged directly into the fuzz.

Robert Keeley’s modern perfect take on a classic compressor provides the smooth. Just enough sponge to dig into without it getting annoying, and a super low noise floor. Keeley is setting the standard for independent brands making analog effects.

In Drawer #3, we’ve got a plethora of harmonic stacking devices from mild to wild. This drawer is wonderful snapshot of current guitar technology by some of the brightest minds of our time. Mad Professor, Lovepedal, Skreddy, Catalinbread, Barber, Friedman, J Rockett & Xotic, all competently demonstrating why they populate the rigs of pros who know and tone junkies that crave the good stuff.

In Drawer #4 sounds wobble so pleasantly, they punch and they get creamy.

Stuart Castledine’s Supra Vibe will get you right into “Machine Gun” mode and we mean that in the most reverent way possible.

The Strymon Mobius provides a wide array of modulations with distinct flavours to separate it from the TC Electronic & Fractal Audio  modulations.

The Xotic EP boost is used in unity setting to widen the bandwidth of the signal when desired.

The Lovepedal COT50 provides a nice punch to the front of the amp to take it from clean to breaking when pushed.

The Klon Centaur provides the creamy smooth breakup that has spawned a legion of follow on designs.

As you can see in each drawer, we used the often imitated & never duplicated power supplies by the legendary Voodoo Lab.

Tucked in next to the Solo Dallas Shaffer replica and the RJM Music Mini Amp Gizmo is the “secret sauce”, The Chase Tone Secret PreAmp.

The controller board for the rig features a Castledine Wah, TC Electronic PolyTune 2 Mini, modified Boss FV500 expression pedal and the last word in MIDI controllers.

When building a rig of this magnitude the only acceptable controller for the job is the RJM Music MasterMind GT-22.

We’ve been proud to be installed the MasterMind series of controllers dating back to serial # Beta 1 of the GT series, and serial #1 of the LT/7 & PBC controllers as well. RJM Music’s contribution to guitar rig technology and the music industry is a unheralded accomplishment. RJM Music has made many things possible for guitar players that were but a dream a decade ago.

While RJM Music is a little over a decade old there is compelling testimony to say that they are setting standards that leave the competition far behind. Check out their pro users list and you’ll  see exactly what we mean.

Regardless of what the criteria is for your rig, Nice Rack Canada can embrace it and expand it’s capabilities beyond your imagination’s limits.

[onceuponarrow]

So I’ve got some thoughts on last nights Arrow ep. Some of those thoughts correlate with some feelings I’ve had for a while now and I need to get them out and share them. This post is really over my thoughts on how various members were added to the team and why I thought their addition helped or hurt.

First off, I am so happy we got Delicity and OTA scenes last night. I have missed these scenes so much. Felicity and John especially have continuously had their wonderful relationship sidelined and derailed since mid-season 3. But I love their relationship so much and I need them talking to each other again. I need them sharing advice and opinions. I need them talking to each other, not just at each other in the midst of whatever crisis is currently happening. Along those same lines, Original Team Arrow! These 3 are the reason why I got so invested in the show and their relationship with each other is the only reason I’m still hanging on and trying to continue to enjoy the show. Oliver and Dig’s budding partnership and then friendship is what initially kept my interest in the show. (That and anxiously waiting for the 5 minutes Felicity was in an ep.) Then Felicity got added all the way in to Team Arrow and I was sold on the show. I loved the dynamic the 3 had and still have with each other.

Sara’s introduction to the team was alright. I wasn’t crazy about it and thought she was a terrible influence on Oliver both in the present and in the past. That’s my interpretation of her character during season 2 which I know is not shared by many. But she was constantly in his ear pushing him to kill people. She was the one consistently telling Oliver to kill Slade in the flashbacks (unless I’m totally mis-remembering). She was also very much kill all our problems solution pushing in the present. Which I understand, she’d spent the last what 4 years with the LoA, so it’s understandable that her violent tendencies were amplified. But you know what, she understood herself, she understood where she was emotionally and ultimately made a decision she felt was best for herself and for Oliver and returned to the LoA with Nyssa.

Roy’s introduction to the team felt more earned as well. He wanted to help the city and those who lived there. He was (mostly) willing to be trained and learn and improve his skills. When he was fully added at the beginning of S3 it seemed seamless. No one’s skills needed to be diminished to fit him in. He was still learning and earning his place. By the time he gave up his life to save Oliver from prison I had fully embraced him as a character and was actually sad to see him go. Additionally at this point Oliver was arrested. Oliver had started this whole team and was willing to take the fall for everyone. But John, Felicity, and Roy were not happy about that and didn’t think it was right that he take the fall alone. No way were they going to stand by as one person took the fall alone. They were all going to get out of it or all go down together. That is a real team built on trust and faith in each other.  By the way I have to add this link to a vid that I love so much from that time in the show. 

https://youtu.be/iHITUAbqiqM

Also in season 3 LL suited up. I’m not a fan of that character. I hated how she was added to the team. I hated her motivations for suiting up. I hated how Oliver had to “die” to bring her onto the team. I hated how John was sidelined from the field so she could be out in the field. John is a special forces soldier and he’s sitting in the bunker with Felicity while she’s out in the field to make her arc happen. Now I’ve never rewatched those first eps of 3B because I dislike them so much. But I remember being so pissed at her swinging from the helicopter stunt that seemed well out of any skill set she should have. I remember being incredibly pissed that she insisted on being in the field and I feel like one of the ops went wrong and a cop got shot as a result of her incompetence.

This is where my annoyance with how people getting added to the team began. To add LL, Oliver needed to be diminished, so they temporarily “killed” him. Dig and Roy should have been able to handle field situations on their own with Felicity as back-up in the lair. Once again John is a special forces soldier. Roy grew up in the Glades and was trained by Oliver and John for over a year now. But for reasons (plot) lets sideline an original character to make a comic character mask happen against all realistic sense. So began the sidelining of OTA (both as a unit and as individual characters) to make comic characters happen. I just feel like every time a new comic canon character is added, in some form or fashion, Felicity or John or Oliver or their relationships with each other are diminished or pushed to the side. And so began my reticence to ever really embrace a new character again.

Thea was the next character added on to the team. She is a whole ‘nother issue. She has never been a character I’ve particularly cared for, but she’s grown on me, finally. She was introduced as a whiny entitled brat in season 1. I totally understand her reasons for why she acted the way she did. But I didn’t connect with that or want to watch it. It is what it is. Which probably colored my perception of her sudden fighting skills she gained with Malcolm. I never bought it, still don’t frankly. But she’s grown on me and I enjoy her as Oliver’s sister now finally. I enjoy the wonderfully resilient and strong woman she has grown into. But I also won’t be sad to see her go if she takes off with Roy when he returns this season. That girl has had so much tragedy and heartbreak in her life, she needs her quiet happy ending. So for whatever reason I’ve never really connected with her character, but I’ve also never felt anyone was diminished or pushed out to add her to the team.

Curtis is up next. This is a character that I’ve had the opposite reaction to. While I grew to appreciate Roy and Thea, I’ve grown to resent Curtis’s presence on the show. I enjoyed Curtis’s introduction. I liked his relationship with Felicity, his child-like wonder at finding the lair and helping out superheros. I liked how he was complementary to Felicity’s skills. But now, now wow what a change I’ve had with regards to his character. So many times now I feel like instead of speaking in-sync with Felicity it has turned into speaking over her. Things that Felicity could have done without issue she now needs his help with or needs him to do it for her. But really the thing that bugs me the most (and this is totally on the writers) I absolutely resent that Felicity’s company has to be a joint venture with him. This is a genius, who built her own computer at age 7. Who graduated with a double masters from MIT at age 19. Who won numerous intellectual competitions. Who basically ran Queen Consolidated for Oliver and then ran Palmer Tech without issue. She can’t start a company on her own? Give me a fucking break. That’s not even mentioning the fact that he put tracking nanites in her pancakes last season, which he used 2 eps in a row to track her. (I know I just rewatched to verify). And now he is acting all offended because they spied on him digitally for like a day to look for a traitor to the team. Get out with that hypocrisy. You put nanites into someone’s body without permission and you are whining about being digitally tracked. So yeah, I’m done with him as a character. His being on the show is, in my opinion, hurting the story lines Felicity should be getting.

Evelyn and Rory I’m just briefly going to touch on. They were both there for such a short period of time. Evelyn’s story line irritated me because I felt she had been set up as a 17 year old high school student and no one ever brought up the fact that she should still be in school. No one encouraged her to figure out what to do with her life. I feel like her age as she was initially introduced was just ignored or forgotten. Rory was alright as a character, but I’m firmly on the no metas on team arrow team. He was way overpowered. He was basically immortal when wearing the rags so why anyone else should be out in the field risking their lives when he was on the team made no sense.

Rene, oh this is a character I dislike, possibly even more than LL. Now some personal info first. I have 3 adopted cousins. Two were abused children who were put into foster care and then adopted by my cousins. Another was born to a drug addicted mother and was initially in a foster home that kept her drugged to keep her quiet before ending up with my cousins. I have very strong feelings about foster care. So when I say that Rene initially wanting nothing to do with Zoe and wanting her in foster care. Well he lost me there. And I can’t ever see myself liking him on that basis alone. That is not even touching on the fact that I find him rude and disrespectful. That comment last night about not liking how Felicity is talking to him? He has repeatedly ignored her asking him to stop calling her Blondie. Now I get the situations are totally different now than in season 3 and there are children involved but Rene was pretty damn quick to throw Oliver to the feds to save his own ass. He never let anyone know what was happening. Then he had the gall to make that beautiful speech about Oliver and Felicity when he would be testifying against Oliver soon enough. He brings nothing to the team. He is a body with a gun and that is it. No special skills, nothing that couldn’t be replaced with just about anyone else. I want him gone forever from the team. It especially irks me that he is supposedly doing all this to regain custody of Zoe. Yet he is still putting himself in harms way every day going out into the field when it has repeatedly been said there is no one else for Zoe to go to, no extended family. So what the hell is going to happen to her if he is killed?

Dinah, she’s tricky. I’ve really not had strong feelings one way or the other about her. As a character she never particularly bothered me one way or the other, she was just there. I’m not a fan of the meta ability like I said before. I’m firmly on the leave the metas on the other shows in the arrowverse team. I will say I mildly resented how she got an apartment shown within a season of being on the show when it took til season 3 to see Felicity’s. I resent that she quickly got a job as a police lieutenant when Felicity has been jobless for almost 2 seasons now. I resented that scene she had with Oliver in Russia last season. That felt entirely unearned, they’d known each other for less than a month. I resented all the scenes she’s had with Dig last season and this season. Because here we go again. One of my reasons for watching, Dig and Felicity’s friendship, is being ignored and sidelined because of the need to add in a comic cannon character. So her hanging out with Vigilante, who was trying to kill Oliver last season, and keeping him a secret from the team yeah that cemented my mild dislike for her character.

In all I find that the addition of all these comic character masks diminished the team in general. I miss the early fight scenes with Oliver kicking ass alone or with Dig. They were enjoyable to watch and frankly seemed more physical. Now they are big wide shots to then zoom in multiple times to give everyone’s stunt double their 5 second fight scene. Now Oliver always needs everyone in the field with him all the time for optics.

Are some of my complaints emotional and not logical? Absolutely! I don’t watch shows where I don’t emotionally connect with characters. So when I emotionally react to what I perceive as characters I love being changed or sidelined to push characters to the forefront that I don’t care about I’m going to get upset. And being constantly upset leads me to resent those characters even more.

In general I feel that the addition of all these characters has diminished the quality of the story I could be getting. Arrow has had some wonderful character growth and character based episodes. They’ve also had some horrible episodes where characters have acted well out of established character in order to move plot or cause drama. I don’t know. I just feel like some of the shows that I have loved the best have had small casts and spent time developing and highlighting the relationships between those characters.

So in conclusion I just wanted to get all those thoughts out of my head. I really want Curtis and Rene gone forever and I’m leaning that way with Dinah as well. I’m not looking forward to the manufactured drama that is going to be needed to inevitably bring the newbies back on to the team. I cringe at the thought of who (if not all) of my loves (OTA) will need to be diminished to justify needing the newbies permanently. But I am looking forward to hopefully many wonderful scenes with Felicity and Dig and OTA in general. Those 3 in any combination are magical. My love for them as individual characters and as a found family is why I continue to hang on and watch. Because as much as the show drives me crazy and irritates me at times, they then turn around and throw me an emotionally satisfying scene or episode and I’m happy again.

I haven’t been on much over the hiatus but tagging a few people who might be interested. @almondblossomme @hope-for-olicity @nalla-madness @wildirish23

[thesmallcast]

The Diagnosis

I have spoken on multiple occasions about the time prior to giving up alcohol and after the breakup of my long-term relationship - the stress, anxiety and discovery within that time in my life. I would call it more a revelation, a reassessment and the start of a journey, a new chapter. During that time, I got diagnosed with herpes.

There is a huge stigma about herpes. There are also jokes people crack like “at least you don’t have herpes”, or references in movies like “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes - that shit will come back with you." I was pretty uneducated about herpes, just as I was about the LGBTQI community until I lived with a transgender flatmate. I was devastated when I first found out I had herpes, thinking 'who would want to be with me now', and 'I'm disgusting'. So many negative thoughts twirled around in my head and I beat myself up continuously. I remember when I confided in my best guy mate, he said it didn’t change a god damn thing (not those words exactly though was super supportive). Herpes is incurable, and it's different for everyone. Some people may never have a flare up, others may only have one in their lifetime. Or people like me who, when stressed, run down or get high anxiety, get a flare up and manage it.

I had made mention in my initial blog post about my personal health discovery which has taken me a while to fully process and come to terms with. It's just like the common cold sore but down below. I completely embrace it. It doesn’t at all change who I am or what I do, and if anything it also helps to identify the judgemental people I don’t want in my life. I have shared it with friends and none have been judgemental - in fact, just the opposite. I have had a range of reactions, from sympathetic to supportive, from nonchalant to loving.

The initial discovery was shortly after I had slept with a work colleague. It was my first sexual experience since my ex, and I was drinking heavily around this period and handling high anxiety. It was very odd because I got one sore on the skin where I should have been crafting a beautiful landing strip. The doctor, Doctor S, was very blasé about it and looked and said “Yup, that’s herpes”, though she made mention that it was super unusual that I didn’t have a full blown outbreak, which was the most common for people first diagnosed. She also said that it was strange for the area. But as I said before, everyone is different. Doctor S didn’t do any blood tests, which I found out later is the way to definitely diagnose it.  She was able to identify it from the symptoms and looking at it. She said it wasn’t anything to worry about, and that it's a lot more common than you think. I was already going through a rough patch and it felt like yet another bad thing. When I was drinking, I always felt bad things would happen, and the universe would be giving out little signals to say “Sam, you have got to stop drinking”. Do I wonder who I got it from? Not really. It is what it is, as they say. I could have had it for years without knowing - it's just part of it.

Doctor S was unorthodox and I felt she had no empathy around my previous trauma and assault. I had mentioned my issues about my vagina, which at the time I also wasn’t diagnosed with. I later found out I had vaginismus, which is involuntary contractions of the muscles at the entrance of the vagina that makes penetration painful or impossible. At the initial stages, I couldn’t use tampons and still to this day have to use applicators. I went to a gynaecologist and have seen a significant difference, though some times it can still be painful for me, which I have noticed now I'm having sex again.  I was open about my issues and sensitivity, so the final straw came when Doctor S gave me a Pap smear. With no consideration, she just shoved the swab stick right up my vagina. I was distraught because it violated my trust. It was an awful experience and it hurt.  Doctor S had also prescribed me Valtrex an antiviral medication for herpes which I took every day for 6 months

I changed clinics. I met Doctor B. I told her my history and requested a prescription for Valtrex. She couldn’t understand why I was taking it every day. I told her Doctor S had prescribed it as a daily script. Doctor B let me know that it’s supposed to be taken only when I have a flare up for a maximum of once a day for 3 days. Unbelievable.

I have had 3 flare ups (I also call them ‘outbreaks’) since being diagnosed and 2 were within weeks of each other. I still had never had a blood test that would confirm I was carrying the virus because you can’t have the test until it’s visible (is what I was told). I had accepted that I had herpes from the initial diagnosis and started dealing with it that way and unravelling the stigma.

I told friends. I told my family. I felt I could create more awareness of it for those that have been diagnosed and make it more acceptable. You talk about something for long enough, the stigma disappears. I also wanted to get a running head start for when I decided to tell a partner.

I hadn't seen anyone or been with anyone I’ve needed to confide this to. It was always very nerve-wracking, the thought of having to tell a partner “Hey, I have herpes...no biggie”. When I started seeing PBJ, I knew that he was more than a one night stand. He was really great about it and wanted to know more about it and when I last had it, and how many outbreaks I'd had. I could tell from his initial reaction he was a bit taken back. It just was by pure chance that I was run down, stressed and had an outbreak while with PBJ. I showed it to him, and he said "No way that is the herp". The only thing that got me was PBJ kept asking me to wash my hands like I was some kind of infectious monster. Mate, it cant be passed on like that. It's like if I sat on a toilet seat, I can't pass it to the next person after me. It has to be skin to skin contact (another stigma around the herp). PBJ did offer to come to the doctor with me, although it was something I wanted to do on my own. As I was in the middle of a flare up, now was the time to get a conclusive test. Now I recognise it coming on, I can take the medication and only have a sore for the day. I saw a new Doctor, due to going in on a Saturday. Doctor C told me that you didn’t have to be showing symptoms for a blood test to tell you if you had it or not because it's in your blood stream… frustration! My blood test results came back and it turns out I have Type 1 and 2. Type 2 is the genital kind and Type 1 is the mouth kind. Type 1 came as a surprise to me as I have never had a cold sore on my mouth before (which is essentially what it is). You can have it without bearing any symptoms your whole life.

I have been very lucky with my herpes. I can recognise my flare-ups now: usually a numb or painful leg, I get soreness in the spot that I always get my sore, it's like an aching pain rather than an “oops, I knicked myself with a shaver” pain. I can recognise when I’m feeling low, stressed, overwhelmed, and I get one sore at my hairline, which is not as bad as what others may experience. I am accepting of it. I take some time out, I take my medication. There is a lot worse in the world.

I have become so comfortable with it and sharing it with others so they feel okay. It is okay! Last year, I shared with another friend from NZ about how the only thing I struggle with when dating is how I would tell a partner I have the herp. She opened up and said, “OMG I have it too”. How amazing that I now have a friend to lean on and talk about this together. It's great to hear other experiences, how other people manage it, how they have coped. My friend is accepting too.

Another time, I met one of my (now) super close friends EP. At the time it was our first ever dinner date in Broadway and were talking about what to have for dessert and I said, “Oh I'm getting ice cream and by the way I have herpes”. She just laughed at how I brought it up and was just like “Ok”. She was supportive and amazing throughout the Doctor ordeal. I have started opening up to my close friends and I am not scared to spread it - my diagnosis that is. It doesn’t define me, it doesn’t change me, it doesn’t rule my life. I will continue to always be 100 per cent ME!

[the-wall-flower-girl-blog]

Crunchyroll Releases high Fall Anime By Region

The Fall 2018 anime season has been full of large releases and returning anime series, however currently that it has been many weeks what series square measure the foremost well-liked of the new season?  Dog Days

 Crunchyroll has disclosed that series do the simplest across numerous regions. observing every series' most up-to-date episode, and not as well as continued series like Boruto: Naruto Next Generations and Black herbaceous plant, Crunchyroll listed every region's most-viewed series to shocking results.

 The biggest anime within the us is hobgoblin killer, that fully dominates the us (though Crunchyroll notes that point I Reincarnated as a Slime came in a very shut second in some areas). this might be for variety of reasons, however it did notably get plenty of attention for the graphic violent and sexual content in its premiere episode. Crunchyroll even later additional a content warning to alert unsuspecting fans.

You can explore Crunchyroll's graphics for the regions here within the gallery. As for North American country, well-liked series embrace hobgoblin killer, weapon system Art Online: Alicization, and JoJo's unconventional Adventure: Golden Wind. Slime nearly earned  a spot during this region still, however could not quite get the numbers. high series in geographic area embrace hobgoblin killer, that point I Got Reincarnated as a Slime, weapon system Art Online: Alicization, and Zombieland adventure story. hobgoblin killer appears to be huge in Brazil and North American country.

Like within the us, Australia's most watched series is hobgoblin killer. In Germany, France, and Italy, and far of Western Europe, that point I Got Reincarnated as a Slime takes the highest spot, whereas jap Europe loves JoJo's unconventional Adventure: Golden Wind. alternative high series embrace weapon system Art on-line, Zombieland adventure story, Senran Kagura Shinovi Master, and Ulysses: Joan of Arc and therefore the intellectual Knight.

 In Africa, fans square measure keen on that point I Got Reincarnated as a Slime, and elements of Africa and therefore the {middle east|Middle East|Mideast|Near East|geographical square measurea|geographic area|geographical region|geographic region} are fans of JoJo's unconventional Adventure: Golden Wind. although Crunchyroll notes that the $64000 shocking idbitcomes in through Iraq and Asian country, WHO square measure the sole countries that feature the strange maternity series Conception within the high spot. dog days review

 Dog Days  EP.1

Dog Days  EP.2

Dog Days  EP.3

Dog Days  EP.4

Dog Days  EP.5

Dog Days  EP.6

Dog Days  EP.7

Dog Days  EP.8

Dog Days  EP.9

Dog Days  EP.10

Dog Days  EP.11

Dog Days  EP.12

[thepermanentrainpress]

THE PERMANENT RAIN PRESS INTERVIEW WITH ANA GOLJA

Driven and passionate about the arts, Ana Golja is one busy Canadian talent. The emerging musician and seasoned actress is fresh off the releases of her Epilogue Volume I and II EPs, while continuing to star in a number of homegrown (and beyond) projects. She starred as Zoë Rivas in popular teen drama “Degrassi: Next Class,” and is currently filming the thriller “A Father’s Nightmare” in B.C. 

Where do draw your inspiration from for your sound, and how long has music been a passion of yours?

The inspiration for my sound comes from the artists I grew up listening to. We were always playing old school classics like The Supremes, Etta James and Ella Fitzgerald in my household. As I got older, that grew into listening to artists like Christina Aguilera, Amy Winehouse, Sam Smith and Adele who continue to inspire my sound (especially at the moment).

Music has always been a huge passion of mine. I started channeling my love for music via dance at the age of 5 years old. As time passed, I started exercising other channels of expression like picking up piano, classical voice and then songwriting!

Lyrically, what inspires you as a songwriter?

I am inspired by anything and everything! Generally, I write about my own experiences because I can convey those emotions/messages/stories best. However, I am also inspired by things that my friends go through and what’s happening in the world.

What can we expect to hear from your upcoming releases?

You can expect to hear more of that vulnerability you heard in chapters 1 and 2…but I feel like these next chapters are slightly more upbeat and full of life — there’s quite a bit of sass (LOTS of sass, haha!).

You recently starred as Zoë Rivas on "Degrassi: Next Class." What was your favourite part about portraying this character, and spending time on-set with a cast similar in age?

My favourite part about portraying Zoe was that I got to tell so many stories that thousands of youth related to — I felt like I could really make a positive impact on the world with that character, as well as the show! Being on set with kids my age was such a blast — never a dull moment. It was refreshing because in my past experiences, I was usually the only kid on set…I was always surrounded by adults! But not on Degrassi…:) It filled the void of not being in real high school(because I was home schooled)!

LQBTQ representation is becoming more prevalent in the film industry today. Tell us about your experience playing Zoe, and what you learned about yourself through the character and her journey.

What I was so grateful for on the show, was the journey my character, Zoe, went on — especially when she was finally true to herself and accepted that she was a lesbian. That was probably the biggest thing I learnt from playing her — to be true to yourself and fully embrace it!

This past summer, you filmed "Crazy for the Boys." Tell us about this project.

Crazy for the Boys is a fun, musical film about 5 high school girls who join forces to form a girl band! It’ll be out in summer 2018! I play the preppy cheerleader, London.

You're currently in B.C. filming "A Father's Nightmare." You filmed "Clue" in the province nearly five years ago. Do you have memories of your time in B.C.? What's your favourite part about filming out in western Canada?

I have so many amazing memories of filming in B.C.! I absolutely love it there. My favourite part about filming there is probably the nature. Ontario is wonderful…but very different.. not as much to explore in terms of landscape, nature, and wild life.

You also make time to give back to the community. You were at WE Day Alberta recently, why is it important for you to volunteer your time to these great charities and organizations?

I feel like I am somewhat a role model for youth so I want to make sure I use my platform for good and to inspire younger generations to make positive impacts in the world.

What are your plans both music and acting related, for the remainder of 2017?

I will continue to release and promote my last 2 chapters of Epilogue (my EP)! At the same time, I’ll be wrapping up “A Fathers Nightmare” as well as being in pre-production for the feature film I am co-producing!

If you could describe yourself as any ice cream flavour, which would you be and why?

If I could be any ice cream flavour, I’d be Bacio/Ferrero. It’s sweet, creamy, classic, and a little nutty (in a good way!)

Purchase Ana Golja’s music on iTunes, stream it on Spotify, and keep up to date on her projects and activities on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/AnaGolja/. 

[cheerstocrazy]

Done Deal

I've been seeing this med student from Michigan who's currently out here for his rotation. I met up with him last Saturday at a bar in Fullerton. Some backstory: matched on Tinder, not a huge fan of him bc he's an essay texter and just terrible texter overall (not my type), and he's not my type physically. But take a chance on the smart ginger. lol. He asked me for tacos but I didn't want to go bc I didn't mentally prepare myself, but we went to the bar instead super late, at 1 am or so. I got a few catcalls, and he was like wow people catcall here so much more than back home. I was like that was nothing, it was only abt 3x, and no one touched me. (Being a female is hard) Afterward, went to get tacos and talked until 3:45 ish?? It was platonic, but we got to talking about our token crazy friends and music festival and finally found some common ground. I could tell he wanted to keep talking to me, but it was kind of late. We parted, and I saw a preview of his text, but I assumed it was a goodnight text. Then when I got home, I saw he asked me if I wanted to drink some modelos at his place. I would've said yes had he just asked me in the parking lot, but nope texted me instead. Anyway he continued to annoy me for days after bc he texts back within a minute. And I was like wtf, you need to calm down a bit. Met up on Wednesday the week after at a bar. Caught some of the World Series game, then he asked me abruptly if I wanted to drink blueberry ales instead. I wasn't sure of the context, but I said sure anyway. Then I realized this was his trick to lure me back to his place, and I didn't wanna do anything sexual bc I was not interested in him, and I didn't want to. So I was freaking out in the rr texting PP asking what to do. I suggested we go to the beach instead bc we couldn't do too much. Drove there and couldn't find parking. I was hoping he wouldn't be able to find it either, so I could just drive home and avoid all this awkwardness that would ensue. Anyway he found parking, I grabbed my blanket bc it was cold. We were walking to the lifeguard tower, and he's like I wish I grabbed my jacket, and I said we could just share the blanket. I wrapped it around him and just left my arm there, which is a very unlinke me move to do. Then I lowered it after I realized my arm would get so tired being in that position. He wrapped his arms around my stomach and love handle. Why do guys like to touch the stomach?? IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE??? I could see that he wanted to kiss me and put his face next to mine, but I always feel so awkward abt that, so I just let it build. I kept looking away from him and stayed quiet. Then I finally turned around to kiss him. Surprisingly he was pretty good at kissing. I tried to go into his pants to give him a hand job, and I squeezed too hard, and he said sorry but that hurts a little. All I could think of in my head was Jenny telling me about something related to being too aggressive with hand jobs. I died and was mortified too. I dont really remember much except he fingered me, said I was a good kisser, said I looked sexy in my black dress, complimented my necklace. After we were all done, he also asked out loud Idky I'm so attracted to girls with long hair, and why guys are in general??? Anyway, it was all very nice, and I thought he was a lovely kisser. Everyone on that beach saw my butthole, I'm sure, but it was so dark, so I guess it's alright. We just laid down and cuddled for a bit after. I felt so comfortable lying with him, which isn't generally what happens with strangers. My neck was gonna get strained bc I was lying on his chest, and it was a little too high. A bit later, I kept seeing a bright light approaching us and it was the cop patrol car coming. So I put the beers on the bottom with my throw on top. Then he's like what do I do with these beers? I said dump it and then held the case up so he could put it in. I said put it to the left, but I forgot we were standing opposite directions, and he was getting super flustered/nervous, so he said aloud, uhhh Idek what I'm doing or where there's even empty space. The patrol car ended up passing us and didn't even see us. We left after that. I said goodbye and he was abt to just walk off without kissing me or anything and so I initiated the kiss and I was on my complete tippy toes and could barely reach him. It was nice.3rd time: He wanted to go out to a place with live music, but I was like but I'd rather watch stranger things....so that happened. Went over, he bought some wine. I honestly should've drank more lol. We watched it and obv the progressive arm over the shoulder and then he put both his arms around me. He complimented my nail polish lol. It was nice to watch something with someone for once. he rested his face on my head, so I felt his scruff. He'd smell me and lightly kiss/bite my ear. He told me my hair smelled so nice, so I said thanks, I didn't even wash it! l o l There was also a scene where the girls check out a guy's ass, and he's like so is that a thing girls being into asses? I was like you're asking someone in the minority, but yes it is a thing. A nice ass is good to have, but I'm pretty indifferent. He replied with "so you're a boobs person" yes. After ep 2 finished, I finally got up to go to the rr and felt a mild buzz at best. Did my round of snapchats, came back, and the room was totally dark. My initial thought was DAMMIT I WANTED ANOTHER EP OF STRANGER THINGS UGH.Well I knew the drill, I sat down to kiss him, then I straddled him. Afterwards, he held me tightly then carried me to his bed and put me down lightly. (I also dr when, but I felt his arms at one point when they were flexed and was like ZAMN lol) He took off my shorts and just went down on me, which felt like an eternity, but I think it was around 20 minutes. Holy shit best 20 minutes of my life for sure. Not sure if I orgasmed or not, but it was literally mind blowing lmao. At one point, I told him to grab my boobs too (and I've never instructed anyone to do anything before hah hah).  He went psycho down there. I'm usually pretty quiet when the things happen, and I'll grunt/moan at best, but I was actually cussing out loud and saying his name too, which I normally do not do. It was AMAZINGGGGGGG, he just got more and more intense, it almost became too much for me to handle. I remember him saying "Oh this tastes so damn good". It started to hurt, but it felt so pleasurable too. 10/10, A1, all the accolates for sure. Idek if he ever even went up for air. I would never have expected it from here. For sure, he went down on me like a possessed person. After he finished, I had to return the favor, and ugh I HATE BLOW JOBS LOL. They're exhausting for my mouth.I was so tired of smelling my saliva too, but dick feels/tastes good. I deep throated him a few times, but I didn't want to leave it too long, bc I didn't wanna gag, and he had good dick. haha I got really tired after a certain point, so I just gave him a hand job on my knees, silently praying for him to cum, so I wouldn't have to put his dick back into my mouth. Lmao. He ended up getting on top of me and I could feel his dick touching me and almost inside of me, so I just said do you have a condom? He went to go put it on. Then I don't think he could find it, so I slid it in. It didn't feel astronomically different, it just felt like a different sensation, since it was something new entering me. I was just getting used to it, so I wasn't too into the pleasure of it, though it did feel good. I can't really explain it. It didn't hurt when we were in missionary or doggy style. When we were doing doggy style, he couldn't find it, so I kept putting it in and it'd slip out, then he put it in my butthole, and I was like nope, and he just started laughing bc this had been after multiple tries haha. I put it in correctly, but since we were at different angles, it just wouldn't stay, it slipped once, and my vagina was just clamping around it, and he didn't even realize, so I just let him have a go at it before I told him it was outside lmao. He was grabbing my boobs then too, and he said out loud "God, I love your tits." Then he made me go on top, and I put it in but it hurt so much at that point and he was touching my clit, and it was overwhelming for me, and I didn't even know what to do. I should've went down and used his shoulders as something to hold on and thrust like that instead of riding him like a cowgirl lmao. It hurt, and Idk whether he could sense I didn't like it or that he wanted action, but he turned me over and just did missionary again. He came inside of me and just left his dick inside and kissed me so tenderly. It was so nice. Afterward he pulled out, and we just held each other in a full embrace with our bodies fully intertwined for 2 minutes or so. It was such a nice moment. Post-coital bliss/afterglow IS A VERY REAL THING. I loved it so much. It was such an intimate and personal moment -- possibly one of the most intimate/vulnerable moments ever. Then I said I'mma go use the restroom and attempted to find my clothes in the dark. He went to the restroom first, while Iooked for my shorts. I couldn't find anything else. He turned the lights on, and I was like Im just gonna wear your shirt since I can't find my shirt, so he just stood in front of me as I put his shirt on. I don't mind too much about the boobs. I wore my shorts without underwear, so when I went to the rr, I saw hints of blood on my short bc I was spotting. I was like fuck, I forgot about this. I wore my shorts without underwear, then idk when I went to the rr again to put on my underwear. Afterward, we watched one more ep of Stranger Things, and he just wrapped both his arms around me while I laid my head in the nook of his shoulders. We were exhausted afterwards, honestly I was exhausted during the entire thing and just wanted to sleep.We both crawled into bed and I took inner left, and he just draped his arms and body over me. He knocked out immediately and started snoring into my right ear. I laid there petrified and thinking oh fuck me, I am not going to sleep tonight BC HE SNORES AND I DON'T HAVE EARPLUGS. I could hear the piercing sound of silence so clearly! I was delirious and felt like I was living in a lucid nightmare bc I kept thinking we were inside a restaurant area and there were a bunch of food trucks around like in Austin. I wanted thai food, he was standing next to a bbq stand, and I was like how are they even gonna make food for us at this hour and where would they even make it?? I got up bc I needed to pee and it was 6 am, I stumbled when I got out not realizing how fucking tired I was. When I peed, I looked at the toilet and it was completely bright red. I was like fuck. I came back and he asked me if I threw up. I was like what lol no. I finally was able to sleep on and off after. At one point, he cuddled up to me and he was sleeping in the upper bed with just sheets, then I think he got too cold and migrated to the lower bed with blankets. Also he sleeps on his back, so it's hard for him to cuddle with me and sleep, since I'm a side sleeper haha. Idr most of the morning, but he awoke around 9 ish and I woke up for a bit too. He asked me if I slept well, and I said not really. He asked if he snored too, and I said yeah. He said I'm so sorry, you should have kicked me. I rolled over and said out loud "I'm so cold, do you have any blankets?" He said yes, he took the blankets and draped it over me and then went under them and cuddled up with me, UGH LOVED IT. He's so sweet. He went over me and cuddled me from behind on the left side bc I turned over. He wrapped himself around me once more and we fit so perfectly. He would fondle me, he did this for the past hour, but I was too self conscious about spotting and also I WAS EXHAUSTED, I couldn't open my eyes. I thought abt it so many times -- turning over and playing with him too for morning foreplay -- but I couldn't bring myself to. I needed the sleep. He laid on my hair so many times and I was like T_T He kissed the back of my neck and just softly caressed my stomach side boob top of vag. He nibbled at my ear too, it was all so nice and comforting. I was just too tired, I couldn't do it. sorry bro bro. Then at 11:30, I finally woke up and was on my phone scrolling thru insta. I also dr when but he saw my phone screen with all my nieces and nephews and went "oh how cute!!" -__- did I say you could look? He's like do you wanna go get breakfast burritos, then I got right out of bed. and he said I thought you'd be more excited by that...I was like well I finally got out of bed after 9 hrs, what more do you want? Then he said yeah I woke up earlier, but I knew you were tired so I let you sleep. lol lol lol. For some reason, he asked me if he should wear his half fabric/leather kinna like brogues, but not quite out or chukka boots, and I was like chukka boots all the way. I also asked him if he had listerine or anything I could use to clean my teeth, and he's like uhh...have you tried the finger with toothpaste method before. I said yeah lol. There was so mcuh freaking toothpaste leftover in my mouth. omGOD. He said "I would've told you t bring your own toothbrush, but that would've been presumptuous." I also changed in his restroom bc I said I was gonna pee as well, Idk just thought it'd be weird to change in front of him. Ok it wouldn't be weird, I'd just feel weird haha. We left to grab breakfast. He ordered first and the cashier was like is that all, and he kinna stood there awkwardly while I stood way behind bc I was just gonna pay for myself. Then he bought my food for me, and it was kinna weird lmao. We sat across from each other talking about politics (ofc!) and he held never moved his gaze from my face, and all I could think was omg I haven't washed my face, I dont even have makeup on anymore. GOD. The burrito was pretty good. The conversation was so casual, everything was so casual as if nothing happened hahaha. We walked back to the car, he sat down and he blurted out in a hushed manner "I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue last night." I lold so fucking hard and just said GG bc what ELSE WOULD I SAY?? HAHAHA He's like what does that mean? Then blah blah he asked me about parks & rec, and said he's a lot like Chris Traeger bc he's really optimistic and we were talking abt the word literally. I said I'm a lot like April Ludgate. He said oh I can totally see that. I saw it in the text that you sent me yday. People tell me I'm kind of like Andy Dwyer. I was like what are you implying? That we're gonna fall in love bc you're not my type. Anyway he parked in front of me, so I just kinna walked to my car and peaced out. He walked over and wanted a hug, and I was like ugh making it so awkward, so I gave him a hug and saw he wasn't gonna go down for a kiss then he did last minute, and it was so messy and jumbled and it was a quick peck. lol. To describe him physically, I'd say he's very affectionate, sweet, gentle, cuddly, and romantic. The sex was 6/10, but I think it's bc first time and also him going down on me was way better haha