#if you truly dont understand what im saying ask nicely for an explanation before getting on my case i fucking swear to god

[autismvampyre]

ok so audhd rant/asking for advice

we had a psychologicist come to the class to explain autism and adhd today. the reason why is bc i have faced a lot of discrimination, ableism and bullying from my peers bc of my disorders. my teachers felt we should all learn what the words mean and why they should never be used as insults, and how that can affect someone, which is a nice sentiment.

the person they picked was recommended by my mother, which should've been my first warning sign, bc try as she might my mother does not understand the autistic community. she trusts the professionals which is good bc im not a doctor and they're qualified, i get it; but also i dont fucking trust professionals to understand me because not once did my doctors help me understand when i was diagnosed. i asked to meet her before she came to the school, but my mom insisted she was great so i held back and tried to be hopeful, because even if a lot of my experience with professionals has been negative doesn't mean they're all bad and ignorant

anyways, she was exactly like every other psychologist ever and explained everything in the most basic way ive even seen. she literally sounded like the people who explained my diagnoses to me when i got them at age 11 and those mf's were literally useless. it took me years to actually understand what my disorder meant and i only figured it out by talking to other people with autism and adhd instead of reading shit by professionals and autism moms. the way we are portrayed by psychiatrists is not my experience at all and they often use outdated language and speak in very broad terms and don't bring up any of the things that i find important. i know not everyone with adhd and autism is the same but i genuinely cannot relate to the way they talk about us at all. like, this psychiatrist didn't even mention executive dysfunction and kept talking about how it "isn't an excuse" and fucking everyone agreed.

i feel like almost an anti-vaxxer, claiming i know better than doctors, so i genuinely do try to understand and accept doctors but i just cant fucking stand it. am i wrong for thinking she's wrong? like she has a degree, but she also doesn't seem to understand me and idk if im just a weird outlier even in my neurodivergence or if im right and she doesn't truly understand. like im not a doctor, im just a person who has these disorders but i genuinely feel misrepresented and like all these explanations are for other people to understand that they have to put up with me. i feel infantilised and really fucking bummed. like, i knew she wasn't gonna be perfect bc she isn't actually in the community but the level of generalization and misinformation was so disappointing

i feel fucking crazy. cause who am i to disagree with her when she's the professional, yk?? im no one. they won't listen to me. my classmates can't empathize with me like they do each other, and so many of them think they get it bc they're white teenage boys with adhd that are low support(and im happy for them that they feel good about it!! genuinely! and not saying they aren't valid, but in my experience many of them tend to unknowingly invalidate other people with the disorder who are different than them/have higher support needs) and can't seem to understand that other people have different experiences and struggles with the same disorder. i also live in a very conservative city, and even if the school is more liberal, we are still very high in MUF(the moderate party's youth) and you can tell because everyone i know is either apolitical or conservative, except me and the three leftists. it's a hostile environment, and i feel like im rambling but whatever. i needed to get it off my chest

[ablednt]

“No other discrimination you may face cancels out your cis privilege you absolutely must address this if you want to go on calling yourself an intersectional activist or a liberal because at this point it's all performative.”

Holy fuck, are you serious? How can you say this when black people and other racial minorities are still killed by the police and for hate crimes? Women in Mexico, ciswomen, are being murdered in such high numbers and basically everywhere around the world too for that matter because they’re cis women. Women who are trapped in ICE centers right now are having hysterectomies forced upon them. But the awful discrimination they face doesn’t matter because they might be cis? I just can’t wrap my head around this, that’s a really self centered mindset. I think you need to consider intersectional issues than just gender.

That's not what I said, and not what you quoted means even remotely. I did not say no other discrimination you face matters. I said none of that cancels out cis privilege. That's how intersectionality works, every one is discriminated against in some ways and privileged in others and the more ways people are discriminated against the more struggles they have.

For example I face discrimination for my disabilities, plurality, gender, sexuality, and more but absolutely none of that discrimination (even though some of it is extreme enough to put my life at risk) erases the fact that I have white privilege. I also am TME (transmisogyny exempt) so even though I'm Trans and nonbinary I still have privilege over people who face Transmisogyny. I also have privilege over many disabled communities because my body can see and hear and walk etc.

I cannot speak on how experiencing racism affects someone's experiences so I will not attempt to explain what level of cis privilege any of the aforementioned groups experience but I do know that there are trans and nonbinary BIPOC and that in their communities cis people do have privilege over them which they've talked about. This is what the concept of intersectionality is describing and iirc it was coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw to discuss racism in feminist spaces and it also inherently applies to any kind of privilege and discrimination. Rather than being synonymous with "inclusive" as it's often used, it's a way to look at the way discrimination overlaps and affects privilege and is necessary for understanding better how to accommodate people and coexist as marginalized communities.

My whole point is that facing other types of discrimination does not make people incapable of transphobia and nonbinaryphobia if they're not trans and nonbinary. That statement makes no comparison to other forms of discrimination and does not speak on their severity or importance in advocacy.

Edit: When I say I won't get into what privileges cis people of color have, I mean that as a white person I have no right to an opinion on that matter as that is very clearly an intercommunity discussion that I do not have the experience necessary to be a part of without being insensitive and discriminatory in one way or another because of my privilege. That conversation is best led by trans people of color, not me.

[munsooon]

for once the ice cream machine isnt broken

someone asked for a part two to McAngst with a side of Fries and so i ran with it since the event happend like two years ago and ive gone through some character development 

its amazing the things distance can do. It had been approximately 3 months since you’d last seen the Doctor. the first month was hard however, getting settled in Earth was already a struggle in itself but the constant nagging thoughts of the Doctor at the back of your head didn't help. you cried yourself to sleep most times, you mostly stayed indoors, curled up in a ball on your couch, old show reruns playing on your television. you indulged in the sadness, knowing if you bottled it all up you’d be a ticking bomb of despair. so thats how you stayed for the first month. sad and miserable. you’re sure you’d cried more in that month than you ever will in your lifetime.

after the sadness came indifference. what happened happened, and as unfortunate and messy the whole ordeal was, you had to move on. there were days were you did great! you went out, hung out with friends, went to your favorite shops and treated yourself to some cute shoes. other days were a little harder, you’d lie if you said that second month your feelings for the Doctor had completely gone. you saw him in everything you did, everywhere you went, the constant though of him was with you. if you saw a squirrel or a cat, you thought about him and the things he’d say. he’d more than likely start communicating with them and then translate the conversation to you. or when you passed by a bakery, you knew if he was there the smell would intrigue him and he’d pull you towards the scent and demand you buy him one. sometimes when you sat at the roof of your apartment, and gazed at the moon and stars, you wondered if he looked at those same stars, and missed you as much as you did him. getting over someone as amazing as the Doctor seemed almost impossible.

almost. 

by the third month, the thought of him barely crossed your mind. you were able to really focus on yourself, no nagging at the back of your head. you could really go out an enjoy yourself 100%. it was only then, your heart no longer heavy, mind cleared, that you start missing the universe. you missed the thrill, the chaos, the beauty of it, but you werent going to call and ask if you could go back, your pride wouldnt let you. if it happened it happened, if it didnt you’d just have to find adventure yourself.

but after all that bad shit that has happened to you, you deserved to have some good karma. and so it happened.

it was the holiday season, and the Ponds decided to spend said holidays here on Earth, with you. You were happy of course! they were you best friends and you missed them just as much as the universe. Seeing the Doctor felt surreal, having him flash that smile at you was nice. but thats all it was. nice, there was no flutter of your heart, no butterflies, no shortness of breath, just, nice,

but you shouldve known better, because having the gang altogether called for trouble, and thats exactly what you got. and so off you were, another adventure at your feet. you missed this, them, him. River wasnt here, your dinner didnt last long enough for you to be able to catch up on everything that had happed the last three months. so when the group split, it was just you and Him. if you hadnt taken the time to heal, this- being alone with him- would've been a lot harder. for now you were just trying to catch your breath, gather your thoughts, come up with a plan to save the day. 

as you gathered yourself, you could feel his eyes on you, and so you looked up at him. when your eyes met, he gave you a smile, let out a chuckle. “I missed this,” he said, and you raised a brow.”What do you mean, you're constantly running from shit, how could you miss it?” you asked, confused. 

He let out a sigh, and let his head fall, his hair falling around his face, covering his eyes. “that’s not-” he took a big breath, “-thats not what i meant.” he still wasnt looking you in the eyes.

“Oh?”

“what i meant was this, running from trouble with you,”

oh fuck 

“Doctor..”

“These past months have felt like forever without you,” he finally looked up again, his expression... sad.

you have an idea of where this conversation might be headed, and you wanted him to stop. 

“River told me everything,” he said, voice solemn. 

you jaw locked, eyebrows furrowed, body tense. you dont care, about him or River or wherever this dumb conversation was going. you were doing good, youve healed, if he truly knew about the situation he should see how good youre doing despite the absolute heartbreak you went through a few months ago, you dont understand why hes saying this.

“Dont,” was all you could say, the fear of the dam breaking too overpowering to let you say anything more. 

“When i was with her i thought thats what i wanted, but after a while, without having you there, it just didnt feel right. i figured out it was you, who i wanted. and im an idiot because i’d already known that but i pushed those feelings away- i didnt think you’d like me back. and i felt lost and sad and then something was happening with River and i just let myself get swept away, and it was irrational and in the end i ended up hurting both of you..”

“Doctor, stop.”

“and i think the guilt of how everything happened and not giving you an explanation was too much for her so she told me everything and then everything made sense!” he was pacing, running his hands through his hair, eyes watery. 

“Doctor thats enough,” your voice was barely above a whisper, but with those satellite for ears he had you knew he’s heard you.

“we ended things, on good terms, doesnt matter anymore shes not- with us anymore... but we ended it befire that so dont think im only saying this casue im a widow but i just wanted you to kno-”

“well i dont care! okay? whatever happened is a thing of the past and these three months ive taken the time to heal and, and get over you-” your voice was cracking, your cheeks were wet, “and i dont care anymore. those feelings aren't a part of me anymore. and id rather they stay like that."

he was quiet, eyes glossy. you probably looked worse.

"look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel anything for me anymore," he said, slowly stepping close to you. once he was in front of you he gently cupped your face in his hands.

his big, soft, warm hands. they felt so right holding you.

you didn't look him in the eyes, you couldn't, they were so sincere, and big enough to fit the whole universe in them.

tears silently spilled from your eyes, everytime he caught them and wiped them away.

you looked into his eyes, and before you could lie and tell him you felt nothing for him, he gently kissed you.

it felt so right, to be held and kissed by the Doctor. you fear nothing in your life will ever feel as right as this.

[princessselene126]

Hey yall, emotional abuse, physical pain (not self harm, just illness pain), brief mention of periods, and shitty parents tws coming up.

So i generally try to keep my personal life off here unless I won’t be posting for a while and want to let you know why (like i did with my ear infection.), but I’m having a really bad week and a half and desperately need to vent. Feel free to completely ignore this because I don’t expect anyone to respond, I just need to get everything off my chest--although any suggestions as to what the fuck I should do are more than welcome.

My dad and stepmom have been controlling any emotionally abusive for pretty much my entire life--because you know, abuse doesn’t just start randomly and it’s not something that you can easily fix.

Anyway. When I went home for my ear infection, my stepmom got kinda mad about it. Mad might be the wrong word, controlling is probably better. I didnt tell her or my dad that I was coming home to see the doctor for a few reasons:

I knew if I told them, they’d tell me i should tough it out and go to class

They’d say that i was being over dramatic and that it couldn’t possible hurt that bad

They’d ask why I couldn’t have seen a doctor in Milwaukee (where my college is and 1.5 hours from home), why I needed to come home for something like that.

So I didn’t tell them. While I was home my stepmom texted me asking how I was doing. At the time she didn’t know I had an ear infection or that I was home, so of course like the idiot I am, I was honest and told her I came home sunday night. Seriously I think honesty is my fatal flaw. She, of course, asked why and I told her that “I cant think right now, let alone take a bus somewhere I’ve never been before. I tried to get into the dr at school, but they dont have any openings until wednesday.” I was able to get into my doctor at home on monday, two full days before I would have been able too at school, so it seems logical that id go home right? I couldnt hear out of my right ear anyway, so it’s not like I would have been able to pay attention in class and actually learn anything. 

She drops it or that day.

But my stepmom, being my stepmom, of course texts me back a few days later (fthursday or friday i think) because she thinks that I should have tried harder to find a doctor here. She said, and I fucking quote this entire goddamn text 

Hey so I just want to clarify with you ... you could have gone to a dr there you know? You guys didn’t have to come all the way home and back. good lord. Just find a clinic thats an urgent care or er. you might have had to pay more out of pocket, but so what? And you have 2 insuraces, so that wouldve helped more too. Just saying. So I thought I’d let you know instead of doing all that craziness back and forth. Make it easier on yourself next time kiddo.

And this has me fucking livid because:

I literally explained to her why I didn’t find someone in Milwaukee days before. 

She’s insinuating that it’s too inconvenient for my mom to come get me.

And my stepdad had off on tuesday, so he gladly took me back too school. No questions asked. No complaints. He even bought my antibiotics for me (which I was totally prepared to pay the $10 for myself) before we left.

She’s talking down to me as if I had no idea that I could do this.

I can’t afford to pay more out of pocket right now, even if I might (read: MIGHT) get reimbursed for it later.

Going home literally WAS making it easier on myself.

So I send a screenshot of this text to my mom of course, and she replies almost immediately just going off. My mom and I havent always had the best relationship (she has some emotionally abusive habits too, but she knows about most of them, acknowledges them, and tries her best to fix them), but I know that she will always be there for me. She’s that person who will drive an hour and a half just to come make sure someone is okay, and she has done so 2-3 times in my 2 years at college. She doesn’t care if I’m 45 and living on the other side of the country, she will drive or by a plane ticket to hep me if/when need it. So my mom is beyond pissed off that my stepmom would ever imply that coming to get me, take care of me, is an inconvenience.

I reply a simple “i know” to my stepmom, because I know better than to give her a long winded explanation. She’ll just come back at me with an even longer block of text basically telling me how wrong/stupid i was to not just see a dr in the area.

And of course, of fucking course, she replies with a long block of text anyway basically telling me the same fucking thing. She does this several times and I keep doing the “i know” “yeah” “okay” thing because I just didn’t have the fucking ENERGY you guys. 

But then she says 

my goodness you’re a peach sometimes. Just trying to help and maybe you guys didn’t think of that. 

So by this point in time my patience was completely GONE. I have absolutely none left. I know when my stepmom calls me a peach it’s just her “nice” way of saying “you’re being a fucking bitch.” ((Keep in mind this entire time I was taking screenshots and sending them to my mom so she could be mad with me.)) And so I fucking went off in the nicest way possible. I tell her

no, you’re trying to be in control of the situation that had absolutely nothing to do with you

I was going to just try going to a dr the next morning, but then my mom called and I was crying and she asked if I wanted to come home, so I said yes. It wasn’t an inconvenience to her, though it feels like you’re trying to make it seem that way. And [stepdad] had off so he was easily able to take me back.

I’m not an idiot, im an adult fully capable of doing things myself. But i also recognized that I needed help and accepted it when my mom noticed I did as well

Because yes. I was in so much pain that I was actually crying from it. I usually have a decent pain tolerance (horrific period cramps will do that to a person), but for some reason whenever I say that I’m genuinely in pain my stepmom never seems to think it could be “that bad.” And... that’s exactly how that went. I was soooo prepared to just tough it out and wait until Wednesday if I absolutely had to. But then my mom called and I may be 20 years old but there are those times when you’re an adult and you just need your parent. You need your parent to tell you it’s going to be okay. You need your parent to hold and comfort you. You need your parent to take you to the dr. And for me this was one of those times. I so very rarely ask for help but this time i needed it, and there’s no reason for my stepmom (or anyone) to make me feel like I should be ashamed of that.

So she said something brief to that and I didn’t reply back. Ne next moring she sends me another text starting off with something along the lines of “I’m hurt by how you treated me last night...” and I didn’t read the rest because I knew it would make me mad. I did, however send a screenshot to my mom again.

The next day I call both my mom and my paternal grandma to talk about this entire conversation.

My mom thinks that I should cut off ties with them for at least a few months because this has been overwhelming me so much. I agree with her, but I’m concerned about my younger siblings (not that they’ll get hurt or anything, but that I won’t be able to see them) and also my aunt is getting married in may.

And my grandma was livid too. She’s never liked my stepmom because she’s always thought that she’s treated me like shit. (For a long time i mistakenly believed that my stepmom was a better person than my mom, but I was an impressionable child/teenager then). My grandma and I talked about times when stepmom made me feel bad about myself or treated me as lesser than my half siblings. And my grandma agrees that I should keep my distance, but she asked me to not cut ties, and to keep a decent amount of peace, until after my aunt’s wedding.

Which I understand. I get it. I love my aunt a lot and I truly dont want to cause any problems at her wedding, she deserves the world. But at the same time I don’t know how much longer I can take this you guys. I’m supposed to go to a water park for a night with my dad, stepmom, and siblings during my spring break (it was a christmas present from my dad to the family) and I’m absolutely dreading it. I don’t want to go. My mom says I should just lie and say I have to work, but again, fatal flaw here is honesty, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. I want to see my siblings too, but I really need to start taking care of myself.

I’ve spent far too long worrying about my family even after not living at home for the last two years. I need to take care of myself. I do. But I honestly don’t know how to do that without causing a family feud in the process.

And the reason this was all triggered again today (after not having talked to anyone on my dad’s side since saturday) is because I got a call from a random number while I was in class today. It was a call from my home city and whoever it was left a voicemail. In the back of my mind I started worrying that it was my dad and that he wanted to talk me into not being upset with my stepmom (he’s a terrible person too but that’s a rant for a different day).

I have yet to listen to it because the idea of talking about this with him makes me nauseous. At the same time, not knowing who called is making me overwhelmingly anxious. I don’t know what would be best:

Ignoring the voicemail, or listening to it and potentially having to talk to my dad?

Toughing out being around my family until after the wedding, or risk causing a family feud by cutting ties?

I just... I’m so lost you guys.

[nancywheelxr]

Winn wakes up in the DEO.

Or at least, it looks like the DEO- it’s so cold, to begin with, and it was never warm in the first place. And when he walks up the stairs to take a look out of the balcony, there’s nothing to look at, and everything’s just a little too… shimmery? Shiny, maybe, or glossy- it doesn’t look real. It’s kind of blurred at the edges, too, like a filter was placed over it, or maybe the filter is over his own vision.

But as much as he rubs at his eyes, it doesn’t go away, and though that on its own is concerning, the worst part is that there’s nobody else there. The place is completely empty, though all the electronics are intact- but there’s no J’onn, or Kara, or Alex, or even the agents who’ve helped him that he always thought quietly resented him just for being there. Not even the Legion is present, there’s no Mon-El, or Imra, or Brainy…

Their absences leave a gaping hole of loneliness inside him, that spreads through this whole place- he’s been away from it for too long, he wishes it were real but it isn’t and it won’t stop reminding him of that- and it certainly isn’t helped when he calls out, “Hello? Anyone home?” and his words just echo like he’s hearing his own shadow talking back to him.

Or his own ghost.

“Hello, Winslow.”

Speaking of ghosts…

“Dad.” Winn says, voice flat. It isn’t even a question, because that’s his father’s image, recreated flawlessly in this- well, Kara wanted to call it a mind-palace, but that term is far too nice for what he’s experiencing.

It’s his personal Bad Place, or as he’d first referred to it, his mind-prison- and there’s no better prison guard than the one he’d grown up knowing was behind bars.

Only a matter of time before you’re in a cage, too, he thinks, but he’s been caged since he woke up, and all he wants is for his father to get it over with and put him in one for real.

It would at least be preferable to this. To his father looking at him, staring and judging, as Winn sees nothing in his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Winn asks. “I mean- how are you even here? You died in the 21st century, I saw your body- it exploded, your protégé carried out your last request and she got what she deserved too. Haven’t you tortured me and my family enough?”

“More like you have tortured mine.” Winslow Senior- or the being that looks like him- says. “I am your father, and all I wanted was to keep my family together. Especially you and I. And I was willing to do anything to make sure of that.”

“Yeah, I know!” Winn insists. “You were willing to send us both to prison, for that- and now we’re both here. In my mind- where I thought I was finally free of you.”

“This is your mind.” Winslow Senior says. “But you know you will never be rid of me. My genes are still within you- what was it you said, the gruesome way you described it- ah, yes. A ticking time bomb. And they have already gone off, you know. Your friends hate you, for what you did to them.”

“At least I didn’t murder anyone.”

“Not yet.”

“But perhaps you will- who knows, Winn, what the body is willing to do if it’s controlled? Especially by such sophisticated machines. It’s like pulling puppet strings, making it look so real- as if the Winn that your friends all know and love truly is the one destroying the Legion from the inside out.”

“I can stop it.” Winn says. “I’ll escape you somehow-“

He looks around the room, trying to will himself away… trying to imagine something, some kind of key to a door he can’t see yet. Kara didn’t go too into depth about her own experiences, but he knows that Brainy helped her realize what was really important to her. Who she really was, despite what had happened to her and what had caused that.

Winn wishes Brainy was here now, despite how he knows he’d probably be far less helpful for him than he was for Kara. He could tell, from their first meeting, that Brainy had a crush on Kara- even though Brainy probably didn’t know that word himself- and though they’d become friendlier to each other over time, he and Winn still hadn’t been on the best of terms. They hadn’t even really talked one-on-one, before switching places, but if he had to admit it, he hoped he was doing okay, and that Brainy thought the same of him.

How disappointed he would be, if or when he found out the truth…

But the point was that Brainy already had helped him. Before, just by showing him his own design, he’d given Winn the confidence to do what he had always been ready for, what he’d been doing long before the Legion came along.

What he had done, in fact, at another DEO base, with another Brainiac, a month and a half after his father broke out of prison.

“I will escape you- Brainiac.”

He can’t deny it. It’s the only explanation, Brainiac’s been messing with his head- no better way to stop a threat to your plans than attack its mastermind, right?- and he’s only mad that he didn’t figure it out sooner.

Because wasn’t he trying to do the same thing, really? Wasn’t he working on figuring out a way to get at Brainiac himself, get into his head and shut him down just like Indigo?

Were he and Brainiac really any different?

“I know everything about you, you know.” Brainiac says, in his father’s voice- but it sounds deeper now, almost ancient. His eyes are surrounded by shadows, like he’s been punched, and dark veins stand out on his neck. When Winn looks him in the eyes, they’ve gone completely black, and he could swear he’s slowly turning blue- although maybe that’s just the lighting.

Or he’s still going crazy, even inside his own mind. It’s hard to tell.

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“You have constantly been underestimated, but you were far more of a threat than even I foresaw.” Brainiac answers. “Capable of far more- for a human, of course.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“I am aware.” Brainiac continues. “But people underestimated your father, as well- they expected much from him, took advantage of him, and when he got justice for himself, they didn’t understand. Did you not feel underestimated, when you worked at this very place? When you told them you were moving on, did they not try to convince you to stay?”

“I guess so, but they did that because they were gonna miss me.” Winn says.

“You are lying to yourself.” Brainiac says. “They do not care about you- only your work. And when they save the day, do they ever thank you? Do they give you credit, for what you’ve done?”

“…”

“You deserve justice.” Brainiac answers. “You should make them see what kind of person you really are.”

“I’m not like my father.” Winn says. “That’s what you’re implying, isn’t it? Well, it isn’t working. I know who I am, and I know I’m capable- but that comes from me. Not him. And I certainly don’t need you to remind me of that.”

Brainiac glares at him.

“You will not stop me.” He says. “I am prepared for anything you might do- and unlike you, I am not afraid of my enemy.”

“Does this look afraid to you?” Winn asks, raising his hand. He wills it to be sharp, to do what he hopes it will.

Then, he plunges it into Brainiac’s head.

[joseyfeli1-blog]

This is it. Halloween 2017

So this Halloween (sadly) i will not dress up. But i will strip down, Ayyyyy!!

alright back to business. Sexuality, Identity, and least important of this bunch, Biological Sex.

This post is for my blog and to be written down. I am still closeted, which i only will tell people that i believe will not care so much about this info. Serisouly in my life, it isnt a huge thing for me.

So it has come to me, throughout this year i really shouldn’t say i am cisgender, and heterosexual. And for me that was strange for me to be so okay with. Yet it wasn’t of how accepting and how much i love myself. No. it is truly cause i knew i wasn’t but never went to go check up the lgbt+ shit, and didn’t care about this stuff. But here i am, caring about myself (how do i feel about that? ehh). Sexuality was never something i cared to bring up/talk about, but Senior year (high school) and im just realizing that from past experiences that, yeah, it is more complicated than - hetero, cis. Yeah no, mostly all my lifes explanations are paragraphs, or essays. long story short, This post is really not for the people who would support me (though Thank You so much) and also not for me to accept me. Again I never cared for my sexuality and i still dont, but since i might get asked, and i would like an straight(Hah!) answer.Okay so here it is…

Identity

A big thing this is. Most explanation will be put into this (not for people to believe me, just so its written somewhere). I want to be identifyed as Genderfluid, three genders, Male, Female, and Non-Binary. For friends on here, dont worry im fine with the pronouns and or whatever you all me. I enjoy no remembering that im biologically male, but i understand people wont care for me in the future. Plus about 17 years of it, kind of numbs you to caring about the pronoun game. So why identify as genderfluid and not be cisgendered? Well for me i am self aware that i depreciate myself (all the fucking time) and some part of it was, so i mustnt hate myself enough to realise i should accept the idea of me being identified as the other two genders. So i thought about, i hate most masculine shit. feminine shit? Love a lot of it! Shit with no gender?  Cool as fuck. So why be filtered Josey? why not embrace this threepeice mofo? 

Why do i believe myself to be these genders?/ Why identify as them?

picture a triple Venn diagram please? Male, Female, Non-Binary.

Why male? i WILL NOT degrade the beauty of the other two genders to have me as a full addition. (self-depreciation, i know, again self aware af) 

Why Female? They all are strong as H E L L! to be apart of them, thats a nice thought. Plus ive had a front row seat of how most common men act towards women and i will not be apart of those asses(i am a different kind of asshole, but that is for another post, not the time right now) I never liked the way how most people talk about how lesbians are only hot and the they are sexualized, THEN! when they bring it up! everyone calls them crazy and disregards the actions of sexualizing women loving women.

Why Non-Binary? They have no need for being either common gender, Awesome! in my opinion. The fact that i never cared for my gender  through my young life, speaks out to me, not loudly, but i know i barely care for the thing in between my pants, regardless my bio sex. In fact, i wont have memories of me being called specific pronouns and shit where i feel nostalgia over them, you wanna know why? Cause i dont remember being called a boy and enjoying it! i just remember having a great time with video games or walking around the houses ive been in.

Seriously days go by without me acknowledging that im male, so in my opinion no it doesn’t matter to me what people think of me, nor if they will support my identifications. Hence, Genderfluid, not trans, not just Non-binary. But three halves, to make a whole.

Sexuality

Alright the simpler part of this post. So when growing up, media, my family, myself, just thought it was okay for making me believe that: Yes! i am hetero! i like women! and it is okay how many are being degraded!

took me a second, but luckily i do not think that at all anymore. (for people that are going to argue me, realize that: too bad if im wrong! i aint changing this post for you!) Now sadily it took me tim eto notice how heteros i knew/ know think its fine how they think so lowly of the people they find sexually attractive, but opinions opinions! so i digress.

I am DemiPansexual (and probs demiromantic, not the time to figure that shit out yet.;p)

Demisexual- Part of the Ace spectrum, you are sexually attracted to no one other than people you have created such powerful bonds with, the immensity or lack of strong bond is obviously individual preference.

Pansexual- People sexually attracted to people whom are themselves as much as possible. See People, we dont care for biological sex, identity, or sexual orientation of whomever we feel attracted to sexually. Again personal reference is what you are looking towards other people (or yourself? who nows? some freaky narcissistics out there, @rapforeminem im looking at You!:p). For me, people being themselves the most, and me seeing them sexually attractive because of it- That (again for me) is someone living their life where they cant stop learning themselves and aspiring to be themselves as we all know, we gonna die soon. the fact is (in my opinion), People dont change, they adapt and grow. They become what their soul is. i believe that souls know what we will become, hopes that we discover all 100% of ourselves, i pray to know all of me, but im also scared, so i will not try to really go out for the answer, if it happens, it happens, and cool too. To see someone be themselves and embrace it, brightens my mood. seeing their bright eyes, makes me bite my lip (like a loser and/or fangirl, lol), it makes me feel good/ special to be there for it. it is special and sweet. anyhow, i hate seeing people as sexual objects, i know i very much did before, but for me, it was normalized! for me! i am justifying me right now, im justifying when i didn’t know that was not how i like to think and act.

DemiPansexual- So why use both? Well, i shouldn’t call myself/ use the ace spectrum to use for myself, again big respect for each one of them, because  i have seen people that i didn’t have/ picture of having a profound bond with. And I love the soul of others, they’re so pretty! Especially when they are really unfiltered.

now because i am pansexual, doesn’t mean i have to seek out the entire soul of another to be even a tiny bit sexually attracted to them. That is my opinion. This Whole Fucking post is my god damned opinion, why type and post it? it will give me god damn peace broham. having something written, helps me cope, so in a sense, this helps me be me, acceot myself and my complicated sexuality/identity.

So for people whom talk, or want to talk to me (there is no line for that), and dont know how to talk to me aafter i come out, just notice, i never really talked about myself in these ways before! i never really cared, i am numb to how poeple just saw a straight regular boi. GOD do i wish it was that simple, literally over an hour typing this shit! But of course to end it,

Biological sex

i am boi

Alright that is it! Hahaha, okay so this is going out at 2:00 am in texas time, but 12:00am (Halloween) for westcoast of the united states. ill reblog during the day of Halloween. not to advertise myself, but for people that want a coming out post, and or support me no matter what (thank you again, love you lot) i identify as.

Oh and i understand that there are so many! so many spectrums and other shit, so if you read all this, or just feel like im incorrect and ou are in fact more intelligent in this subject than me and try to tell me “that i am actually something else”, or “there is a better title for you” i wont listen right now, im fucking exhuasted okaying this post as is, ill check on myself and the wikipedia if I feel the need to. And if you do not beileive or disagree with any part of my coming out shtuff, talk to me directly, no need to hurt my supporters, followers, people i follow, random Tumblr users, and especially mutuals( I Love you guys! MWAH!). Message ME that im wrong or dont exist! not the people that had no idea this post was being done! give me your hate! im cool with it! I Will allow it!

Anyway! Happy mother fucking Halloween California! Have a safe and fun one this year! and everywhere else for that matter. 

[rsstudies-blog]

Hi i'm an incoming freshman and was wondering if you had tips for any freshmen

oh ! this is rly sweet ok. first of all good luck !!! i kno its rly stressful and can seem scary but i kno u will make it through !!!! these are just things i wish i had figured out from the beginning tbh. im putting this under a read more bc it ended up kinda long lmao

- when taking notes in class, i think it works better to write down examples and explanations rather than any other information. in math, write down EVERY example your teacher writes on the board, in science classes, write down the explanation that you teacher tells you, that saved me in biology tbh. 

- set everything up before u go to bed. everyone says this but its tru, if making a list helps, make a list, if u kno ur gonna forget something, put a sticky note on ur phone so u definitely see the reminder. 

- bring headphones and a charger !!! sometimes u can sneakily charge ur phone in one of ur classes (or jst ask a teacher n they will let u) my librarian used to let me charge my phone behind his desk.

- talk to teacher !! they r there to help u and are always nice. they are never out to make u fail. email them, talk to them, ask them questions. if you lost something, need help, fell behind, TALK TO THEM, they will always help you and advise you. 

- start working on your sleeping schedule now. go to sleep earlier, wake up earlier, u can completely fuck up ur sleeping schedule during the beginning of summer but try n gradually fix it now. 

- wake up earlier than u think u need to, especially on the first day, i woke up usually an hour and 30 mins before i needed to leave for school. this gave me time to take a shower, eat breakfast (a real breakfast), make coffee, mess around on my phone, and get dressed. you feel so much more awake by the time you get to school.

- try n scope out the smart/dedicated classmates fast as possible. they usually get swamped by people when the first group project comes around. if you can, become friends with them, always work with them on group projects. i had someone in almost every class that i knew cared about getting a good grade if we had group projects. it prevented me getting fucked over by someone who forced me to do all the work. 

- do your homework !!  if you have a free period, do it then, if u dont, do it with some friends during lunch or after school or during free time in any class. just do it. you will feel so much better afterwards. 

- working at the library/coffee shop/ bookstore always helped me focus and if thats something u can do, do it !

- get languages and p.e. out of the way Fast,, you will love the free time in your later years of high school. 

- figure out how u study, (what works best for u; visual, auditory, ect.) and change you habits accordingly. make mindmaps, flashcard, record yourself, explain it to a parent/friend. 

- take breaks !!! its okay to give youself time,,,its a lot of work and its hard and stressful, allow yourself to take breaks, dont push yourself too hard. 

- read the books teachers assign you. i know its easier to read the summary. but i kno from experience. it will just stress you out more in the long run. writing an essay on a book you havent read is hard. if you have a hard time reading, use audiobooks. most books teachers give you are easy to find free audiobooks for. youtube has a ton ! 

- stay out of ppls drama,,,,honestly it jst doesnt matter.

- you CAN date if u want, i didnt, try not to get too caught up in it if you do!!! you are in school to learn, your education is a priority, if u date someone, find someone who understands that. 

- lastly, people do not care about u as much in high school. if you dealt with people treating u badly in middle school, trust me, no one gives a fuck in high school. people are already stressed enough with their own shit they truly will not bother you. you dont need to be afraid of that !!!

i think thats all ive got ! thank you for asking. good luck with you new school year ! !! 

[kennyoswife]

FYI THIS HAS NO SCREENSHOTS OF THE POKEMON MERCH TRANSACTION. ONLY OF THE COMMISSIONS MADE IN DECEMBER. I’m only posting this because we share mutuals and saw them rt her commission sales!

First and foremost I’d like to introduce myself and background of relationship between her and I.I have been her best friend/close friend since 3rd grade. (18 years) We have had ups and downs and truly she was an amazing person in my life. We were like fire and ice two complete opposites but never the less an important person in my life. I have gotten commissions from her in the past and she had done fantastic on them. We had just gotten super close recently after she had claimed to have some issues with a group on here and I was only let known after she purged herself from the sight explaining she had changed because of them and only wanted to appeal. Which I can understand some of us are like that. Recently a similar situation has happened with two people to where she has completely changed her attitude and who she is as a person. Wether they forced her or intimidated her to doing it I’ll never know. And when being honest and confronting her on these changes she outright denied it and said she was just scared and being ‘herself’.

@EmmaSwanna on twitter had given Janna a collection of pokemon merchandise valued at the very least of 200 USD in promise she would receive commissioned art pieces including a cover for a fanfiction she was writing. Janna agreed to These terms literally over a year ago and never said or even showed she attempted to work on it.

A year later comes (Present time) and Emma and I send her about 100 each for commissioned art as she was in a rut and needed creativity/update portfolio/and wanted to do charms. (Dec 2016) also sending detailed commission info via email and even poses and references to help as well. only to get about one picture ($20 USD value each) and magically got a refund of 80 each in April Which was 4 months later with no explanation as to why she couldn’t fulfill her commissions only that we were close friends and understood. While it may seem her chibis are cute and cheap I warn you that if she does NOT feel like drawing it she won’t and will attempt to draw herself things. Unfortunately this is not a good way to conduct business especially self promoting your artwork. The fact of the matter is she took advantage of two friends because we would be understanding and patient or maybe forget about it. That’s all I’m saying on the matter. below lines im going to go more into detail about how she WRONGED @EmmaSwanna and I for all of our mutuals that want to know what happened.

------------------------------------------------------

So this is for any mutuals of Emma and I that want to know what happened or are curious.

So this is just in GENERAL what she has done to Emma and I over the course of a year having a group chat together. for the most part she was a good friend and easy to talk to. However we had only recently stopped being friends right before we had all went to Acen (I’ll get into that later) She had first gotten extremely aggressive towards Whitney and I when we were very much hardcore into in the pokemon fandom. She claimed/HC’d the character N was asexual therefore Emma’s OC couldn’t be with him. As well as Janna making her own and forcing him on Emma’s OC as well. Eventually it got to the point of claiming certain canon pokemon characters were yandere and if you had an opposing thought she got angry and would yell at you via chat. This is literally ONLY the tip of the iceberg.

She has made it a point to also make Emma feel bad she hasn’t played or cared much for the Legend of Zelda(just as she made me feel like shit for not caring much for the persona series) saying how the mean so much to her and how dare we have opposing views on the series or generally dont care much for them. Including trying to force us to watch things we didn’t care to or guilt trip us into watching it (ex. constantly asking if we had watched it yet) 

Janna has also made it a point to make Emma hysterical on her birthday from our weekend skype movie nights. Watching Once upon a time and seeing a pair of scissors and sleeping drugs, Janna was triggered and proceeded to yell at Whitney and then make her cry making the call very awkward and was only apologizing so Whitney wouldn’t leave her as a friend as opposed to apologizing FOR acting out and yelling. But yet was FINE around these items in Persona and has watched plenty of horror playthroughs with more graphic images. After some time we eventually all started talking again and everything SEEMED fine for at least a while.

What really showed me how much a friend she truly was/thought of me was nearing a month before her Emma and I had planned on going to Acen together. Janna had set RULES for our hotel but primarily me. Such as I wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol period (I’m 22 btw) and Not allowed to leave her alone after 4pm (even if we had opposing panels). Being respectful and trying to understand where all of this was coming from I agreed as she had never been to a big convention before and wanted to help her overcome anxiety in one of the ways i only knew how. I had even offered to refund her badge if she felt she couldn’t handle the stress (which she took as me not wanting her to go) and was making it a point to EMPHASIZE she was nervous. She constantly made statuses about how she was nervous and she was going to have a bad time despite HER setting ALL the rules and regulations. Since I work in the hospitality industry I managed to get our hotel for free and asked she chip in for gas (literally the ONLY thing she was responsible for) and I guess I have no ‘right’ to get angry she didn’t offer to help with anything else but I was. Emma who had spent 400 on a plane ticket and luggage STILL offered to help whatever ways she could and really made it one of the best times ever. Eventually she made Emma and I make a spreadsheet of EVERYTHING and what times they were she could have a guide and reference. only to have her have a breakdown on skype claiming we would leave her and what not. only the very next day when asking her where a specific food she liked was located called me huffy and that’s when i broke down and told her she wasn’t going with me anymore. I had been more than accommodating and trying to be nice. She wanted me to dump her as a friend AFTER we went just so she could still go and hang with Emma at the expense of me being upset. She kept trying to weasel back in and telling me to “reconsider” so she could go and trying to convince me I was making a mistake. Finally after she acccepted she wasn’t going she messaged our group saying “Well can you at least drop off Emma to hang out with me the day before you leave.” NEVER ASKING EMMA WHAT SHE WANTED, and texting her saying that she hoped she had fun and guilt tripping the shit out of her. We decided to leave it alone and not say anything to her and went to the con happy only to receive a message saying “Hope you guys are having fun” and me asking if she meant it in a good or bad. She not soon after removed Emma and I from all social medias and put DETOX as her header name referencing detoxing the ‘internet’ but truly meant her and I.

[dustingrayves]

pairing: sormik WC: 1484 rating: T AU: witch hunt au notes: right so this is the beginning of an au i kinda abandoned, but i dont really wanna get rid of it cause it has a few nice lines that im actually proud of,,,, ://

theres an explanation of the au at the bottom -b

The night, with its twinkling stars and lack of any burning lanterns, provides the perfect cover. Slipping in and out of narrow, crooked alleyways, no one would notice a shadow, silent and quick.

A lantern, dark and smelling of hot wax, dangles in his hand, carefully gripped so it makes as little noise as possible. The other hand hugs a gray cloak close, its edges fluttering to and fro as he walks.

Just a little more.

He rounds a corner, and another. Ducks to the side, crosses the street in two calculated steps. Slips into an alley where even his skin shines likes the moon. Winding the cloak ever closer to himself, he raises one gloved hand and taps the leathered knuckles over a wooden door, thrice.

A tiny slit opens between the heavy planks, two eyes looking through it. They regard him, wait until he pulls the hood back enough to expose his face, his shining eyes, and then the slit closes again.

The door opens with a squeak that could be mistaken for a mouse. He wastes no time and slips inside, the tension fading from his shoulders as if on command as the door clicks closed.

"Is it Tuesday yet?" the guard -Edna, tonight- pipes up, but there's no bite to her barking.

"I had to see him," he sighs, turning to look at her. She had already retaken her seat by the door, a single chair propped against its handle, and is now twirling her umbrella. Opening an umbrella inside means bad luck, his mind supplies immediately. The last thing they need is bad luck. He pushes the thoughts that follow back, forcefully. "How is he?"

"Better," Edna says, as if it were that simple. The concern lacing her brow is still evident, however, no matter how hard she tries to cover it with her usual stoic mask. "Better than before."

Leaving Edna to her assigned duty, he twists on a heel and marches up the stairs, steps muffled by the imported carpet. The upstairs is quiet as well, but if he strains his ears, he can hear the hushed sounds of a conversation.

He follows it to the first door on the right.

They changed it again. The bed that used to be in the middle is now pushed to the side, with just a little free space left between it and the wall. Whether that's to keep it from the cold of the nightly bricks or to ease the access of anyone on cooling duty, he isn't sure. The table is pressed next to it, and the free space is now occupied by chairs, arranged around a smaller table. Three chairs, two occupied.

Lailah perks up, expecting Edna, her eyes calming from confused concern to just understanding, and her shoulders relax again.

"Sorey," she says, instead of a welcome. Zaveid nods his way.

"Hey guys," Sorey replies, pushing the hood back. His hair springs free, tousled and wild. The cloak ends up chucked over the backrest of the empty chair. He can’t resist asking, even though Edna already told him, "How is he?"

"Fever went down," Zaveid tells him. Sorey rounds the sitting spot, leans over the bed. His fingers right the snowy hair before pushing it out of the way so he can feel the Seraph's temperature himself. He isn't a physician, and can't tell if this is Mikleo's normal temperature, but it doesn't feel like his insides are on fire anymore. He breathes an unconscious sigh of relief. "He's been like this since last night. With some luck, he'll wake up soon."

"Thank gods," Sorey mumbles, pulling his hand away.

Like this, Mikleo looks like he's just sleeping. His face is calm, if a little paler than usual. His lips are chapped, but parted. The half empty cup on the table lets Sorey know that either Lailah or Zaveid had made him drink recently.

"Were you really that scared? If anything happened we'd tell you, you know?" Zaveid says, with his legs on the table. If Sorey didn't know him, he could easily take his teasing as nonchalance. But he also knows how much time Zaveid spent sitting by the bed, replacing the cold rag on Mikleo's forehead when he was wracked by the fevers.

"I know." Sorey offers him a smile, one that lights up even the circles under his eyes. "I just..."

Zaveid spares him the need to say the words. "We know, buddy."

Sorey pulls the chair away from the other Seraphim and sits by the bed, looking over the passed out boy with a valiant gaze. "Wake up soon, Mikleo," he whispers, low enough for the others no to hear him.

"-ake up! Wake up!"

He's shaken, but it takes a moment to come back to the land of the waking. Sorey's eyelashes flutter and he stirs, blinking up. Zaveid towers over him, even more than usual now that he's sitting.

"Wakey, wakey," the Seraph teases, "we got breakfast."

"I fell asleep?" Sorey asks sleepily, lifting a hand to rub the sleep crust out of his eyes. According to the crick in his neck, yes, he did.

"Yup," Zaveid confirms, "You'd make a terrible guard."

Sorey can feel blood rushing into his cheeks. "Sorry," spills from him before he can think.

"But you weren't the guard, so don't worry. You gave me some more private time with Lailah." Zaveid lifts his brows in an implication.

"I read his fortune!" Lailah pipes up innocently, a piece of bread with honey poured over it in her hand. She's eyeing it, paying close attention not to spill any.

Zaveid's brows come back down. And then furrow. "She said I would die alone."

"Well, you probably won't die alone," Sorey says, standing up and stretching his arms. His joints pop with satisfying sounds. "You'll probably get killed, and that means that there will at least be your killer around. Probably a whole crowd, in your case."

"Thanks buddy, really appreciate it," Zaveid deadpans.

Sorey drags his chair back to the table and accepts the butter knife Lailah hands him. He grabs a piece of the bread and spreads butter on top, following her example of a honey meal.

Zaveid joins them and they eat in silence. Somewhere along the way, Edna comes upstairs, pulling along her own chair, presumably from the other room (though Sorey wouldn't really put it past her to take it all the way from downstairs). She joins them with only a remark of 'Zaveid's really quiet. Finally.'

They finish their meal and Sorey grabs his cloak again. He does, however, pause in the doorway, eyes falling onto Mikleo's unmoving form again. "I'll come again tonight," he promises.

"You know it's dangerous," Lailah says, her brows furrowing. "What if somebody sees you?"

"I didn't get caught yet! Don't worry!" Sorey tries to reassure her, but he himself knows what would happen if someone were to see and -gods forbid- follow him. Associating with Seraphim is the biggest form of treason, and punishable by a Seraphic trial along the Seraphim. Edna might be able to survive underwater by building a barrier, but he sure can't. He shudders at the thought; pushes it back where it came from, to the dark corner of his betraying mind.

"Just be careful, I don't want to follow my brother's steps," Edna says, using a hendkerchief to wipe stray droplets of honey from her fingers.

Sorey's eyes lower at the mention of Eizen. He puts on his coat in silence, and in silence he also slips out, leaving them alone to tend to Mikleo.

The morning streets greet him with people already bustling about, erecting their stalls and hauling the night's catches over. He can pull the cloak off when he gets to the heart of the market, no one paying him any mind as they mill about, hell-bent on getting the best fish today has to offer before someone else swoops in and steals them.

Sorey stops at a stall and buys a pair of handfuls of freshly caught prawn, despite himself. No one spares him a glance as he's handed the clothed bundle.

No one knows.

It always sends a pang of paranoia through him, when he's around people. He'd be lying if he said he's scared for himself and the possibility of being drowned or hung as a traitor to humanity. What truly strikes fear into his heart is the thought of Zaveid getting set ablaze. Of Lailah being tossed to the bottom of a lake. Of Edna pushed off a cliff, bound and helpless.

Of Mikleo, still unconscious and weak, being buried alive.

He finds himself gripping the cloth bag so tight that his nails bite into his palm through it; his heart is hammering and breath short. He takes a moment to calm himself and slips through the ever-unaware crowd back home.

WITCH HUNT AU;

aka medieval au where all humans hate and hunt the seraphim. theyre very, very ostracized and humans arent allowed by law to even talk to one. getting caught helping one (much less four) is punishable by a public execution. even rumors are enough to get inquisition on your ass; be careful!

sorey grows up alongside mikleo, a boy he met by the lake. mikleo admits hes a seraph a few years down the line, because he trusts sorey. and, just as expected, sorey makes sure to keep him safe and sound.

they meet the gang eventually, because mikleo, being a seraph, can tell when there are others around. lailah gets herself backed into a corner by a mob after badly dodging a question about her looks. burn her. no, she is fire. kill her! drown her! sorey and mikleo snatch her and lead the angry mob on a wild chase around the city that they know like the backs of their hands. edna is outed when she tries defending eizen before his execution. its just wild luck that mikleo was around. it was absolutely coincidental that the lake suddenly formed a tsunami-like wave. absolutely. zaveid finds them. he tries to flirt with lailah in the pub. needless to say, the poor guy is let down. at least the beer is close.

they dont meet rose and dezel until later. dezel protects rose to the best of his abilities, almost to the suicidal edge. rose doesnt even know hes a seraph until they meet the guys

eli told me this is basically canon (the human & seraphim hating each other), so i kinda scrapped this idea since i didnt want to seem like i was. idk. wrongly copying the canon. i know nothing about berseria