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mistymark · 5 years

Text

the one with the annotations.

dong sicheng x reader // 3.7k words // masterlist // send requests here

summary; in which sicheng keeps writing in the books at the library and it should be obvious but that’s,,, not,,, allowed???

warnings: none its just fluff, theres some humour if u like,, squint

requested; yes :D - “Enemies to lovers 👀 with sicheng? Love your writing btw 💕” from anon

notes; based on this prompt: ”You’ve got to stop returning books full of corrections and spiteful comments in red pen bc I can’t stop reading them and my boss gives me disapproving glares when I laugh at the funny ones

ohhhhh boi

so while you were at uni you had a part time job at the library

because surprise surprise as a lit major you like books

shocker there

you always tried to work the late shifts, closing up and doing the returns

just because it was easy and relaxing organising and restacking the books

but soon you wished you took the earlier shifts

because of dong sicheng

not to be dramatic but

your long rival

he started coming to the library to borrow books

because that’s kind of the point of a library

but he ended up liking the environment for studying

and would stay there for hours just to study

and you’d admire his hardworking nature

if he left on time, that is

you would do the rounds ten minutes before closing

just to tell everyone like

‘hey, we’ll be closing in around ten minutes if you want to begin packing up’

but this bitch

would nEVER PACK UP ON TIME

you’d end up standing at his table with your bag and the keys in your hand

tapping on the wood to try and get his attention

and him slowly packing up afterwards

even tho he kNOWS you want to go home

‘you’re just as slow as you were in kindergarten hey?’

and he’d be so furious

‘you know you cheated’

‘I don’t remember any such thing’

and maybe you did maybe you didn’t

you were like four years old

as if you’d remember a race you won when you were that age

he just rolls his eyes and leaves as you lock the doors

you leave in the other direction

happily leaving him behind

but he stops by every Monday Tuesday and Thursday night to study

which are the days you work as well

he acts like it’s just part of his schedule

but he worked out if he came in on Wednesday’s he didn’t have the opportunity to annoy you

and honestly?

annoying you at the end of your shift and after a long session of studying was the highlight of his night

but he keeps borrowing books

and you’re like

whatever

until he borrows this new book you’ve been wanting to read for ages

and you were low-key so bitter

this lil bitch has no way of knowing you wanted that book but somehow he does and that’s the only reason he’s borrowed it

even though,, he literally had no idea lmao

tbh u probably would have wanted to talk to him about the books he reads bc u have very similar taste

okay the same taste

but he’s such an asshole ur like nah fam

anyways he returns it after a week

boy reads fast ok

and when he goes to drop it in the returns box

you just take it from his hand and scan it under your name straight away

and put it under the desk so no one else can borrow it

and when there’s a lull in the work at the library

you reach under the table for the book and rifle through it

and you notice a few pencil marks

and upon further inspection you realise they’re comments referencing certain parts of the book

and you do nOT stand for vandalism

but some of them are fuckin hilarious not gonna lie

on the page you just happened to open

you can see there’s a comment beside a passage of text depicting a fight scene

‘this would kill someone wtf’

and u laugh and wonder who had done this

like the book had only been out for a little while

and u finish it in just less than a week

bc u read a lot during your shifts

probably a lot more than you should tbh

and seriously the comments made the book better

you hadn’t laughed so hard at random commentary so much

like the words were exactly what you were thinking

you couldnt help it

while ur putting some of the books back in the middle of your shift

!!!! you see another book that u might like !!!

not to judge a book by its cover butttttttt

it looks like ur type oop-

and after flipping through it

to get an idea of font size and chapter length cause ur a whole nerd like that

u see it ALSO has pencil markings

in the borders and underlining sentences

and without even thinking u borrow it

just to read the funny comments again

and ur boss comes up to you during your shift and is like

‘have you seen someone’s been writing in the books? look at this’

and thrusts a book in ur face

and ur like ??????? okay chill I’ll look

and u read the writing she’s pointing at

the familiar loopy handwriting adorning the page

and it says ‘I hope she throws her drink in his face’

when u read the paragraph for context

u realise it’s a confession scene

a few lines down the mystery person has written ‘called it.’

and u can’t help but laugh

like come on that was funny

but ur boss doesn’t agree

she just asks you to find out who’s doing it so they can be suspended from the library

or charged with vandalism

or something

she wants vengeance

u roll ur eyes and go to one of the staff computers

scrolling through the lists of borrowers for that specific book

and it’s a fuckin library that book has been borrowed a loT

2031 times ???????????????

you almost fall of your chair tbh

then someone clears their throat in front of u

and u immediately apologise as u try and get the right tab up to process the borrower’s book

but once u look at the person in front of u

you wish you hadn’t been so nice

sicheng stands in front of you

a grin on his face as he hands you another book

smug bitch is so happy he startled u

‘looking at porn on the library computer, yn?’

u laugh

‘I’m not u in 8th grade’

he glares at you as he takes his book and goes back to his desk to continue studying

u were soooo hoping he’d leave

even tho u kinda enjoyed looking at him

like dude was hot okay

what were u supposed to do????

ur actual job????

please.

so he stays

and when it’s ten minutes til closing

u go and let everyone know

and u stop at sichengs table

and he’s writing out notes or something

idk it’s not like u care anyway lol

but he’s lowkey frustrated bc he keeps messing up this one goddamn formula

so he erases it

and that’s when u catch a glimpse of his handwriting

and bruh am I high or is that the exact same handwriting as in the books

I mean he has borrowed a few of the books

and he’s into that genre

not that you've checked out his borrowed list or anything

basically ur having this whole conversation with yourself in your head

bc ur cool like that

and he’s like ????? why this bitch standing over my shoulder and watching me write out this equation

until he’s like ‘what are u doing’

and ur like !!!!! oh hi !!! sorry I was busy listening to the voices in my head lmao xD

jk jk

‘have u been writing in the books’

and suddenly he’s super shy

and he has this massive grin

and he’s like ‘no’

bitch we know it was u stfu

u roll ur eyes and ur like ‘its not funny my boss wants you to be suspended’

he squints at you

‘how do you even know it was me’

and then:

‘DO YOU HAVE E V I D E N C E’

and u cross your arms

like a badass bitch

and ur like ‘I have plenty of evidence actually’

‘for one, youve borrowed all the books that have been found with writing’

‘and your handwriting matches’

subconsciously he covers his notebook with his arm to hide his handwriting

and he's like ‘why are u telling me this’

you're taken aback by the question tbh

like ?????? to be a good person ??????

idk u fuckwit just wanted to warn you

‘thought you'd want to know’

and he just turns back to his book

and you shrug and walk away like ok get suspended then see if I care

but u do :((

but as you walk away hes like

‘wait’

‘Im gonna be suspended??’

and u nod like ye that's what I just said but ok

‘like I cant borrow or I cant come in at all?’

u don't know tbh

‘both I think?’

and suddenly there's panic in his eyes

another person walks past u and thanks u

and u mindlessly tell them to have a good night as they leave

everyone has left

except sicheng of course

that beautiful son of a-

wait why did u say beautiful

‘what can I do to nOT get suspended??’

and u shrug bc idk dude not my problem

but then u think about it

‘I mean if u get rid of the evidence theres no way u can be suspended, right?’

and he seems so happy at the thought

‘would you help me? please?’

and ur sooooooo skeptical

‘depends. what do u want to me to do?’

‘I mean I need access to the books so’

‘yeah ill let u in and out’

‘I can't exactly just erase the markings when people could be watching’

and that's exactly how you end up sitting in the library with dong sicheng at 11pm at night rifling through books to find odd pencil markings to erase

it wasnt that hard

u just got his record up

*snorts* ‘you borrowed ‘how to talk to girls’ when we were thirteen’

and he just rolled his eyes and marched to the computer like ‘you can see my record I deserve to see yours’

and ur like NOOOOOO nononononono

but later

‘you've read all the light-fighter novels??’

he looks at you from where hes searching for one of the books on the list, an eyebrow raised

‘yeah why’

‘dude,, I loved those books’

and he smiles a little

‘thats where I started marking the books tbh, every time I read it id add a little cross in the corner of the cover bc I read it so often’

part of u is a little impressed

the other is annoyed at how similar your taste in books is

but the first part keeps asking why u hate him so much

other than the staying late and the snarky comments

which you actually find kinda funny-

anyways

once you've gathered up a few of the books

like at least ten each

you sit on the floor of the childrens section

beanbags sprawled out beneath you as u read through some of the books

most of them you've read before

and every time you giggle at something hes written his smile gets a little bigger

but of course youre looking at the book so you dont notice

and he keeps his head down

‘is it bad that im hungry’

you lift your head from the book to look at sicheng

hes not even reading anymore hes just lounging back on the beanbags

and maybe he'd been watching u read

watching as the smile on your face grew wider at his commentary

‘I didnt see you leave tonight. have u eaten?’

you furrow your brows in thought, trying to recall having seen him leave

‘you been watching me, y/n?’

‘have you been eating, sicheng?’

and there's something about the way you say his name that makes his heart jump

his voice is soft as he looks at you in the dark

‘no’

you focus back on the book in front of you

‘finish whatever book youre on and we’ll call it a night’

‘what, you wanna go eat?’

you cant tell if hes just surprised or if hes hopeful

or something else

‘no but I do want to sleep’

you laugh and he forces a laugh too

you dont notice the difference

when you've returned all the books

he meets you at the front door as you grab the book you'd been reading that shift

hes just standing by the door on his phone

and maybe its bc ur tired or maybe its just him

but u cant help thinking

Jesus Christ this boy is attractive

and okay maybe u had a crush on him a few years ago

but hey! you were eleven what could u do

the crush still lasted like two years tho lmao

but u shoulder your bag and open the door for him

making sure to lock it carefully

and he walks with you in the direction of your apartment

and ur like oh u live this way too?

and hes like nah

but what kind of boy would he be if he didnt accompany home

like christ y/n u could be h u r t out here at this time of night

but you just smile at him bc wow thats ??? actually ??? kinda sweet

‘who are u and what have u done with dong sicheng’

and there goes his heart again

he just nudges u with his elbow

and u laugh at him and continue on ur way

when u get to ur building he thanks u for ur help in the most polite way possible

and u can kind of see that hes actually rlly nice ??? how ???

but hes back at the library the next day

and of course he comes up to the counter as soon as he spots you

sneaking around a few desks so u dont hear him come up behind you to whisper ‘BOO!’ in your ear

you jump like three feet in the air and spin around to tell him to get out from behind the desk

‘I dont see a nametag on u that means u have to be on THAT side of the desk thank u very much’

‘didnt realise your name tag said bitch on it geeeez y/n ://’

and u just fix him with a glare once hes finally on the right side

‘are u borrowing a book or not’

‘nuP’

he leans on the desk

his eyes staring straight into yours

‘just wanted to ask if u were able to stay back tonight’

you roll ur eyes

you'd barely gotten any sleep last night

but the look of concern on his face when he realises youre hesitating makes you nod

‘of course,, wouldnt want my least favourite person to get kicked out’

‘I always knew you had a soft spot for me’

you roll ur eyes aGAiN

‘go bother someone else’

‘oh is the hot librarian in?’

you push him away from the desk

but he doesnt miss the faint smile on ur lips

‘sicheng dont make me give you $100 in overdue book fees’

he sticks his hands up at the threat, his eyes wide

‘no. please. ill do anything’

when u raise an eyebrow at him, he just grabs the book you'd been reading (and not yet borrowed) and walks away

and he winks too

u have to stop your heart from beating out of its chest

and later

its 8pm and the library is officially closing

and for the past three hours you'd been walking to sicheng’s desk and subtly been trying to steal your book back

but every single time hes seen you coming

and pulled the book under the desk or into his lap

away from your grabbing hands

every. single. time.

you tap your foot impatiently at him when its time to continue ur undercover project

and he smiles down at his notebook when he hears u huff in annoyance at him

he dramatically looks up at you

‘do you need something?!’

‘do you want to get suspended?!’

he narrows his eyes at you but stands up anyway

he carefully puts his things in his bag and takes the list of books from your hands

a few of them are already crossed out as having been checked and erased

but theres still a lot to go

it takes you almost three weeks to finally get to the last day

and it had been the same thing every time;

sicheng took forever to pack up

you'd eventually find about ten books each

sit in the children’s section

laugh and chat about your lives while you went through the books

tease each other

and when you'd finished,

he'd walk you home

every single time

without fail

it became a habit that on the Tuesdays he'd stop by on his way to his morning class to drop coffee off for you

because he'd kept you up the night before

and it became easy to lose track of time with sicheng

he was just so engaging

there was no part of you that felt bored or uncomfortable with him

yeah he was annoying and infuriating

but his good book taste made up for it

and his annotations in the margins of the books too

‘is this the last of them?’

he squints down at the page again, counting the books on the table again

its the third time hes counted

‘surely ive read more than this’

‘not from this library ://’

you blow your hair out from your face and look down at the pile

‘you know, I think my manager is starting to get really suspicious of me’

‘why’ he looks up briefly from his book to read your face

but you try and remain calm

‘well she only told me about the markings right. and now theyre disappearing’

he looks at you like ?????

‘well she knows ive been closing up late... I think she thinks I did it’

he laughs ‘you? has she met you?’

you pout and throw a pillow at him

‘HEY! what's that supposed to mean :((’

‘it means ive never met someone who's so protective over books as you’

you think about it, chewing ur bottom lip

‘lets just finish this’

‘do u want to get food after’

he surprises you with the sudden question

and the slight nervousness thats evident on his face really makes you want to say yes

but you have a class tomorrow

and you always try and finish up here earlier on a Thursday night

‘cant :((’

he nods and goes back to readng

theres silence for a while

but you find it comfortable

sicheng on the other hand, feels as though hes just been shot down

you just turned down his date

you've kinda noticed hes more reserved now

quiet

but rlly hes just kind of embarrassed

until u say something that gives him hope

‘I,, uh, I dont have plans tomorrow night’

and ngl boy is stunned

‘just if u wanted to go see a movie or something idk’

now its ur turn to be embarrassed

u hope ur hair is hiding ur face as u look back down at the book in ur lap bc no doubt ur blushing

but sicheng is just staring at you

and

before even saying anything

he leans over the gap between you

with all the books

and hovers in front of your face

ur so shocked and ur heart is beating way too hard and fast and ur breathing is too quick to be normal are you having an attack I dont know-

and then he leans forward a little bit more

and his lips meet yours

and suddenly its like a fireworks display went off inside you

and then its almost midnight on a Thursday night and ur sitting in the children's section of your workplace in the beanbags with sicheng cupping ur face and kissing you

he just really needed to kiss you

like more than he needed air

and when u finally pull back

he loves how breathless you are

how you have to fight to keep the smile off your face

how you stare at him with wide eyes

‘so its a date then?’

you blush even redder

and nod

‘ye its a date :))’

but for the next fifteen minutes you sit in stunned silence together

small smiles playing on your faces

until u look at your watch and ur like

‘shit sicheng I have to go’

and his eyes widen bc holy crap u were supposed to leave like half an hour ago

so u both sprint around the library trying to put all the books back

and he meets you at the door again after you've grabbed the keys and made sure everything that needed to be locked was,,, u know,, locked

and when ur walkign to the door again

hes on his phone

u cant see but hes texting his friends about what happened lmao what a softie

and when u walk out together

without thinking he grabs your hand

and u walk home

hand in hand

after midnight

he clears his throat

‘so uh,, when actually is our date’

‘my last class ends at 5-’

‘so 5 it is’

‘are u sure??’

he nods happily

and he presses a gentle kiss to ur forehead when u get to ur doorstep

‘ill see u tomorrow’

but the next day

when u come out of your last class

a little giddy

a little too excited

and see him leaning against one of the stone pillars

effortlessly handsome

you feel your heart flip

and maybe ur just tired or maybe its him

but hes really attractive

like really really attractive

its actually just that youre in love with him

he doesnt see you coming

too focused on something on his phone

but he definitely sees you when you push his hand out to the side and step onto ur toes to kiss him

and u can feel him smile a little as he kisses you back

‘ready for that date?’

‘yeah, where are we going’

‘so I was thinking we could go to the libra- HEY! dont hit me I was j o k i n g y/n jesus christ’

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perfcell · 5 years

Note

Do you have any tips or pieces of advice for someone who's looking to start up an rp blog for a character? I have plenty of experience roleplaying, but none of it is with tumblr.

//OH sure sure !!

lets get the technical stuff out first, make the account for your new blog in advance, before you prepare anything else because tumblr has this anti-bots security system in place which doesnt allow new blog’s posts to show up in the tags (and tags such as #indie rp, #anime rp, #insert show here rp are pretty important in getting ur blog out there). you’ll also have to follow some people, get followed back by at least one, reblog+like some posts before your stuff starts showing up in the tags

of course u can disregard the whole promotion thing and just follow people and wait for them to follow you back, but if u want new people to find you without you actively looking for them, its good to drop something in the rp tag. but again, you dont have to do any of this.

ALSO IM PUTTING THE REST UNDER READ MORE BC IT GOT LENGTHY:

so heres stuff you can prepare (or not, its totally up to you !!)

icons - a relict of dreamwidth era , not necessary but i find that they add some zest to the interactions so personally, im a fan. usually 100px x 100px u can make them fancy or not, your choice. just get some basic facial expressions (but again, you dont NEED them)

themes - some rpers pay a lot of attention to blog themes, i used to be like that but tbh rn i dont think anything beats a nice basic theme w/ a readable font. hit up theme hunter and snag a theme u like !!! OR DON’T, thats totally up to you !!!

also you can set your blog to dash only in the blog’s settings which means u dont have to bother w/ a theme !! its a popular thing in rpc nowadays !!!

oh and just a hint – id avoid using somebody’s art for icons or elements of theme… i mean sure u can credit them but hardly anybody looks at credits so idk id just avoid it altogether cuz the artists dont like that and theyre absolutely right. i used to use peoples art for icons and i had some artists reach out to me and ask that i dont do that and tbh now i cringe at my past-self for not seeing that its soo disrespectful of the artists

what to put on blog:

about page - its a page where rpers put some basic information about the character they write as. it can be super important if youre writing as an OC (not many people will follow an OC if they dont know anything about them tbh) !!! if youre writing a canon character u can just resort to filling out a basic dossier (like listing their name, age, whatever… YOU CAN USE THIS and fill out what u like). or you know, do whatever. on cell, i just wrote a piece of Something and linked his wikipedia page lol. do what you feel like, its just a thing in rp community.

rules page - slightly more important. this is where you set boundaries and introduce yourself ooc. after introductions ur expected to tell people what’s NOT ok by you, for example, you say that godmodding is not ok (godmodding is when people write in their own responses what ur character is doing), maybe shipping is not ok by you, maybe u dont want to write smut ever etc. you put all of that there and any additional info you feel the need to add (for example, asking people to tag certain triggers etc). try to browse other peoples rules pages to get the feel

verses page - some blogs have a lot of specific verses like idk, an AU in which ur character is evil etc. this is a page where u can put them and add descriptions, UP TO YOU. i find that its less important than about or rules page, focus on those 2 first, especially the rules page bc its what people usually check out first before writing with u!! add verses later !!!

how to start an rp blog:

OK so lets say you’re prepared and ready to write. i usually post a promo to announce my Arrival to the rp market. take a look at what’s in the indie rp tag for example, just to give you an idea what ppl post there. it used to be REQUIRED to post like… a graphic advertising ur blog but tbh these days u can just drop a text post (preferably with ur icon so that people know which character u write) and you say smth like ‘HELLO, a new (character here) RP blog here!!! like/reblog if youre interested in writing with me!!’ (ofc write whats natural to you, just introduce ur blog in whatever way u feel like it– OR DONT, YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THIS)

BEFORE POSTING A PROMO MAKE SURE YOUR POSTS SHOW UP IN TAGS FIRST. YOU MIGHT HAVE TO FOLLOW SOME PEOPLE FIRST (refer to this) – where to find those rp blogs?? refer to tags below.

what to tag your promo with: remember that only 5 first tags will show up in the search results. so pick some good tags, i think the most important tag is #(show/movie/books name) rp. heres my promo, u can check the tags i used there and come up with your own accordingly. and also browse these tags to find people to follow, like idk, lets say u wanna rp sb from naruto, then u hit up #naruto rp and just scroll and follow ! also avoid using swear words or nsfw words in ur promo bc tumblr will censor it lol

but remember YOU DONT HAVE TO POST A PROMO, THIS IS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU !!!!!

how to start WRITING on an rp blog:

ok so youve gathered some followers, now what. i usually just post a starter call! this is a post that people who want to write with you will like and you in turn will start a thread with them (doesnt have to be IMMEDIATELY, take ur time). you can also reblog rp memes which are like writing prompts people send to you (but i dont recommend starting ur rp blog w/ a memes barrage, people usually want to get to know your blog a little bit more before they send you a prompt).

you can also wait for other people to post starter calls and then you like them (but check their rules first !!! for example, most people have a rule about being mutuals only, which means they will write you something only if youre following each other back), which also works.

AND THATS HOW IT GOES !!! you are now writing on an rp blog. remember to take it easy and do what feels natural !!! browse some other rp blogs to get Inspired (but dont just lift things, stealing is a big no-no in the community). do what you feel comfortable with, if you dont want to make icons then dont! you’ll always find somebody who’ll write with you without icons (we just rly like them lol). be patient with others and yourself, read peoples rules, be nice, dont reblog an rp meme without sending a prompt to the person youre reblogging from (thats called reblog karma, if you dont wanna send a prompt then rb from the source), put yourself out there and UHH have fun !

#if u have any other questions feel free to ask IVE BEEN AT IT FOR A LOOONG TIME i am a fountain of knowledge #Unfortunately.#Anonymous #and again you dont have to do any ot this its jsut advice. there is no RP police that will hunt you down if you dont have an about page #those r just standards people are most familiar with !

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gg-astrology · 6 years

Note

Helloooo :) I don't know if it is too late but, what do you think of cap sun taurus moon? :o

HAH WE HAVE THE SAME PLACEMENTS!!!! 💕 ITS CALL OUT TIME!! 💕💕

(and no ure not too late don’t worry 💕 thank u for dropping by anyways!!)

[Below Cut: Capricorn Sun - Taurus Moon 🍃]

We’re a lot more earthier than our usual earthy counterparts, like if anything if we’re not surrounded by atleast 5 trees we Will Die

It gets especially hard living in an urban city because….we might not be accessible to parks all the time.

Although we might like leafy greens and fauna, some of us may have a hard time motivating ourselves to keeping them alive/grow our own garden even when we like the ~aesthetic~

Second most self-praise thing is our voice. With the combination of Capricorn/Taurus you might realize that we tend to have influential voices when speaking to others (others see reasons/listens to us– can be kind of like the ‘therapist’ in groups of friends because they tend to give solid advice and tries to make it practical for others)

It’s a persuasive ability, where we give other people nudges towards the right direction usually through a socratic dialogue (like asking them questions and letting them find the answer themselves)

Because Taurus is ruled by Venus, we appeal to the emphathy/putting ourselves in other people’s shoes (social relationships) to show others how to view things differently

There’a terrible stubborn streak amongst us, where we feel like we constantly need time to ‘digest’ experiences in order to utilize them fully.

Our time works differently than others, 2 days weekend isn’t enough to do that. And once things start picking up we switch gears from ‘oh no I don’t have time to absorb’ into ‘fuck I gotta find my pattern’ in order to survive

Always in survival mode, the bare minimum. Keep a straight-focused outlook on things so we could concentrate on it instead (while in the moment)

Switches between moments of independency (and cherishing it) and wanting support/to be surrounded by others and help them (in the domestic life/sphere).

If your bed and your room is your friend. This is your ‘safe space’ and you can never work here. You’ll have delegated ‘spaces’ for working/productivity. Thus it becomes a conditioned ‘motive/pattern’ you set for yourself.

You can try to be soft an gentle, but you will Realize that you are a very straight-forward and blunt person. We all look constipated when we try to phrase something in a different way, often we don’t come up with a gentler phrase so we just– drag it out, cautiously to see if the other person is receptive to it or not.

Surprisingly we say ‘sorry’ quite often bc we Know other people might put it gentler than us but we don’t know how to Do It

AH most important thing— quiet doesn’t mean shy. Although we can tend to be shy early on in our childhood (*if it comes to that). Quiet is just comfortable, like ‘I don’t have to say stuff if I don’t have anything to say’ when you’re comfortable with urself/ur company y know

Most people might think we’re being ‘unnaturally quiet’ if you have an active Mercury/Venus that says otherwise— but there are moments where you’re just— chilling, and people are concerned even when you’re just ‘absorbing’ the view

When you’re stress, it shows. When you’re really anxiety ridden and nervous, others can tell it in your oppressive silence. Your face blanks out, and that normally doesn’t happen. Your eyes vacant, and your close friend can pick that up pretty quickly.

Although you like to touch and be touched, you can also be demanding about it. Like ‘pet my hair’ ‘squeeze me tight’ or something specific like ‘hold onto my rib-cage/sides’ — it’s weird I know. But it’s like, if you want something you ask for it or you go get it.

Emotions are— hard. Because you tend to hide your own pains/bury them a lot. You’re not even aware that you feel more than what you feel in the moment. Capricorn suppresses and Taurus redirects. So you’re not even sure where your emotions go when in hiding.

Sometimes you can be in the shower and think ‘have i ever felt jealous?? envious of people???’ and it takes a little more time and retrospection to get familiar with emotions

Accepting ‘negative’ emotions and ‘ugly’ behaviors in yourself is extremely hard to do. This is because you pride yourself in being ‘kind’ to others. Thus you may be much stricter on yourself than you are with anyone else.

Doesn’t mean you don’t get strict with the people around you, you do. Especially when they’re doing detrimental things to themselves. You’re much better at dealing with them than your own problems though.

Sometimes your retrospection eats away at your thoughts at night, things to do, functions to execute, where are you now? What have you done? Are you going to be happy in say 5 years? What do you have for your ambitions?

You can be protective of people around you, especially after you see them cry or in pain. Your protective instinct kicks in really strongly, and you may have trouble letting them have autonomy without atleast giving them a hard look and saying shit like ‘ok, if that’s what you think/makes you happy’.

With your best friends, you may used to have the idea that they’re yours.

Your best friends. Your people. Especially in early childhood, having to ‘open yourself up’ and your friendship up to accepting new people throws you into an internal tantrum.

Still now, you might find that you better with one-on-one approaches to ‘getting close/to know people’ than large group settings. If you’re truly going to have a personal opinion on someone, you have to see them outside the context of a barrier– your mutual friends.

Your own chemistry with other people (one-on-one) matters a lot, because it lets you know how you’re doing. Who you are, what your flaws are and whether you have a different ‘side’ to you that comes out when you’re with them as well.

The thing about you is– you’re inherently honest. To the point where you can’t hide it or stifle it, even if you try your body/mind will scream at you for even attempting to do so. You’re a slave to your own honesty, but it’s also your advantage and your disadvantage.

You have immense capabilities to be understanding to others, and to help others who trust you because of this honesty.

And because you hold yourself valuable for your integrity to people (heart-to-heart, one-on-one) you don’t ever let yourself consciously try to bring them down or let them have a reason to doubt you otherwise.

Even thinking about how people could misinterpret your actions as something with ulterior motive (threaten to discredit your integrity) you take pre-cautions to make sure everyone is on the same page, everyone understands where it’s coming from.

You don’t leave a stone unturned when you do something, you want to do your best but that also requires preparation works. Ground works, for you to focus on just diving into it later. You don’t deter from it at all, and meticulously prepare the ‘grounds’ for yourself every time.

Your humbleness comes from your core. But since you’re so focused on working/preparing and your side of the story all the time. You have a harder time ‘switching’ gears to being on the receiving end of things.

You’d have learnt earlier on in your life that you can usually have an ‘automated’ response to things/circumstances that requires responses. But you don’t ever want to appear insincere or disingenuine so you try your best to put yourself 100% in giving people sincerity at all times.

You’ll learn– that this tends to wear you out. And you require time away from people in your own space. You might like to bury yourself under 10 blankets, give yourself a good scrub in the bathroom or get tucked away in a corner doing your own thing. Personal comfort is rejuvenating to you, but you can let it get too far and make a bad habit of not going out because of it too.

You’re a homebody but you may pride yourself in the opposite. You bring attention and light to when you go out, what you did with people, what you saw today. Watch that you aren’t doing this to subconsciously ‘persuade’ yourself that you deserve to relax at home because you’ve ‘earned it’ (going out becomes an ‘achievement’, which in itself isn’t terrible but you tend to let yourself get comfortable/have a pattern that may be harder to break out of– and that generally leads to a sense of dread for you later on when you want to ‘switch gears’ to something else)

You’re a creature of habit, so try to make a journal or ‘check list’ for things whenever it appears (like ‘you have a meeting at 3pm, this has to get done by thursday, do groceries on this specific day because otherwise you won’t have time – use it like you have a secretary).

Whenever you need to check, you have the journal to remind you of ‘obligations’ you have to work through.

If you don’t, you can let your days get past you or forget about things you have to do.

Grocery shopping, especially when you have time to journey alone (and not talk to anyone)– is less of a chore and more like a place where you can enjoy self-care without feeling unproductive about yourself.

If you ever feel like you’re having a bad day, go grocery shopping. Splurge on some meats and make yourself a steak. If you’re a vegetarian, try looking for new things to try in these moment of vulnerabilities.

Also, don’t be afraid to buy dolls. Especially the big ones that are like 9′ tall and towers over you. You’re going to enjoy having a new seating space for yourself. Lie on it’s stomach, play on your laptop.

You’ll do better with a cuddle buddy who doesn’t have their own needs (inanimate) when your partner/friends are less free to spend time with you.

Don’t be afraid to initiate physical contact, if you want someone to kiss your checks. Ask to kiss theirs. Show them– through demonstration and response – how to physically care for you the way you might want/need it to.

You can be disgustingly cute with people even when you’re not in a romantic relationship with them, mostly because you think everyone deserves to feel loved even without it being romantic. Everyone deserves to feel cared for, adored and not less than a romantic partner.

There’s no shame in craving intimacy, from friends or from lovers. You know it’s different because your ‘shades’ with romantic partners are a lot more intense/directed. But that doesn’t mean you put your love for your friends second to your lovers.

Let yourself get giggly and bubbly, feel loved and adored. Let yourself open up about past experiences, situations you need help with. Let yourself admit to your friends/people around you how you feel, so that they can support you when you can’t support yourself.

That’s all I have for now 💕 This one is quite long mostly because I was thinking about it too much 💕 I hope it’s applicable to you ;; 💕💕

#capricorn sun #taurus moon #capricorn-taurus #anon #asks

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fictionkinfessionsarchived · 6 years

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oh god this is long but i finally did it! here's some mod responses! finialtlly!!

Anonymous said: ((Hey it's the uhhh [name] system could you please not post that name1 does NOT feel comfortable having their name on it))

Yup! Right! It's deleted!

Anonymous said: I appreciate your efforts to run this, but the fictionkin tag is kind of unusable thanks to how active this blog is. It just clogs it up a lot. Would you ever consider tagging things with that less? (Or if theres a way to filter this blog from the tags lmk)

Either block the blog or block the url tag! That's why the url tag is the first tag in every post! :3 Handy!

Anonymous said: Hey I just sent a kinfession in from name about [organization] and how they did Jack shit in my timeline to help. Could you please check to make sure it's on anonymous? Thanks!

Yup it's anon! You're a grey orb and loving it!

Anonymous said: hey! the nate heywood from post / 182708222578 / being-stupid-is-a-universal-constant-and-thats ! i’m dckin, not marvelkin! thank u!

The post url is accurate to me as well! Sorry about that! I mean you could be, in a strange crossover? But anyways, it's fixed now! :v

Anonymous said: i think that /post/182786279903/ is persona 3, not zero escape? p3 junpei’s eng va is v*c m*gnogna which i think is what theyre referring to

Surprised pikachu face when I learn there’ smore than one person? Who has the same name? Thank you, not only is it fixed but I added on a cw for “that person”!'

Anonymous said: February 17th 2019, 4:37:50 pm · an hour ago sorry about this but would it be possible to delete the kinfession in the inbox that talked about questioning not just a character but that character from an au involving getting [somethinged]? thank you!

It's gone from the queue!

Anonymous said: Hey mod oarty cat, just a heads up, in the tags of posts /182750591728 and /182860813869 , you spelled the person's name wrong ♡ i dont mean to be rude, i just wanted to let you know

smart kitty things: typing something once and then copy pasting it elsewhere that needs the same tags!

smrat kittey thunkgs: typing something incorrectly and then pasting it multiple times so you have to fix even MORE things!!1! waow whoo!

Thank you anon! You're not being rude, I'm just typing too fast with nails that need trimming and also at night in a dark room so I cannot see the keyboard! They're definitely fixed now! :V I will make sure to slwo down and actually look at the keyboard and screen!!

anonymous asked: this isnt a confession (except perhaps confessing that i may not be good at searching for things) but what does 'smorchkin' mean when you use it in confession tags?? its not a term im familiar with, and if youve explained it in a post i havent been able to find it on my own :c

O Hawt dog! I keep forgetting to edit the tags page! Sorry anon! Basically that tag is for blacklisting mentions of the word 'cursed'! Specifically, referring to characters or sources are cursed! I thought it should be a cute tag, like giving a kinfession a smorch, instead of reinforcing the idea that something is 'cursed' or bad! It's also sort of expanded to cover when the word 'cringy' or 'cringe' is mentioned!

Anonymous said: February 13th 2019, 6:46:40 am · 3 days ago hey… it’s name here! i miss you so much, werewolf. you and i were the only 2 who understood each other to the deepest parts of ourselves. if by some chance you’re reading this, i still write love letters to you every day just like i used to. ♡ remember how they used to make you laugh when i used wolf puns sometimes? i love you, wolfy. if you’re out there, contact me. @url with love, all love, name

Man this is cute as fuck and I didn’t wanna just delete it and leave you hanging! but like it’s not a call blog, please don’t link blogs/side blogs in kinfessions! If you want to contact or find someone, I suggest call blogs! Otherwise your message might get lost on this blog! Here’s a page of some kin/canon call blogs: http://fictionkinfessions.tumblr.com/seekin Good luck!

Anonymous said: February 13th 2019, 11:07:16 pm · 2 days ago someone im qkinning is aroace in canon and i Dont Feel like thats me but i feel bad erasing characters canon identities, even tho im past life kin and cant really Do anything abt it if i am kin w them

You're not erasing identities though? Like if you are that character, then you at some point you identified as that! You're not going to stay the same person in every life! You're fine anon! Awaken as that fictotype or realize you are a different fictotype! It's all good!

Anonymous said: February 14th 2019, 6:32:09 pm · 16 hours ago aaaaa im really sorry, but i just wanted to check if you got an ask i sent a few nights ago about questioning kin with someone from my bf's source but fear about seeming fake, if it was on anon? if not could you please delete it so i can resend it on anon thanks! im worried mobile messed it up-

It was on anon, but I deleted it if you want to resend it differently!

Anonymous said: February 14th 2019, 7:25:23 pm · 15 hours ago Hey Party Cat, the recent Valentines day ask from Jinx to Lux (#💣🔫) is actually League of Legends not Celestial Refresh! ^^

*smashes that tag on* OK anon I trust you on that! Thank you!

Anonymous said: I recently submitted a confession about people [doing stuff], can you please not post that one? It was a misunderstanding. Thank you!

Oh yeah it's gone now! Glad to hear things have settled peacefullt!

mod Party Cat!

#not confessions #mod response #mod party cat!#mod posts #long posts

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baehraini · 6 years

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i cbf screenshotting her posts again so ima just quote her

1) when I’m disagreeing with an small obessed group all of which have Some cluster b disorder in common, yes I’m going to call you the cluster gang

out of all of the women that have been agreeing with me about u... im the only one i know of that has BPD or any cluster B disorder. the others with the same are hardly the majority.

2) yes you have a problem with the g spot if you think it leads to ripping a woman’s vagina open. I told you that story about a lover I had who I gave a G spot orgasm too that freaked out over it before reading up on what happened . You have piss poor reading skills if you think that was about me fisting her. As I simply didn’t fist her at all. I don’t fist every lover I have either, just the few who express they would enjoy it.

heres ur exact statement

why the fuck bring it up in the middle of a convo about fisting? no im not opposed to fingering or .. the g-spot. the fuck. back-pedaling @ its finest here.

3) why complain at all about how many hrs another woman has sex? That’s all on you guys. I can eat sleep sex for weeks if I want to and have before, who cares what you think about it.

girl no one’s complaining, ppl just think its bull as do i. but like, do u. again, ur sex life is urs. normal people dont go aroudn talking about how much they fist women and these womens specific experiences & orgasms with descriptors of said women. thats personal shit. thats 99% of where people’s criticism is coming from. boasting & bragging about shit like this is so disrespectful to YOUR sexual partners and thats why youre being compared to straight men.

4) I’m not into penetration myself and have said this many times, obviously I wasn’t talking about having that preference in any judgements way. I simply pointed out the fact if you bleed from more then one finger in you then that’s something you should check out as how do you even put a tampon in. Fact is that is not normal for most women and your vagina should not bleed so easily. I’m simply looking out for you by saying this.

i bled because she was very rough and bad with her hands. she also added in a second finger when i wasnt even wet enough for the first one to begin with. it usually takes me time to get to the point where im able to handle penetration bc im relatively tight. with my girlfriend, ive never bled. the entire point of me sharing that story was to explain why i personally cannot even comprehend vaginal fisting, not to say that no female can handle more than 1 or 2 fingers.

5) if a lesbians sex life is her business she should be able to openly talk about it without you flipping yr shit especially since this is my blog and you are a stranger I’ve blocked from it and told that if you don’t like reading it you are free not too.

why are you reading my blog tho? youre 20 years older than me & have gone as far as say theres something wrong with my genitals & made comments about how my sex life must be boring or w/e. does that seem appropriate to you? consider that my mom is 47. youre nearing 41. does it seem appropriate to you that you’re talking like this to someone that much younger than you?

ANYWAYS, the issue isnt you being open about your sex life. its how you speak of the women involved & how much you boast about it. plenty of the women i follow talk about fucking women regularly, the difference is how they talk about it.

7) I’m none of those anon or other pages. You can stop making up profiles and sending yourself bs or at least stop trying to blame me for it. We all know I take too much pride not to let people know when I’m behind something and I would tell you off directly like I always have everyone else ever.

thats cool. you’re not the main suspect for those anons and the people i know that know u well enough also think it’s unlikely that its you. its pretty likely to be one of your buddies & most likely RAIDS. this is nothing new for her.

i definitely haven’t made extra profiles to harass myself nor have i sent myself anons.

8) let’s agree not to have anything to do with each already or unblock and continue this till forever cuz I was done with you the 1st day I saw you tranny stanning saying rape by deception wasn’t real rape and told you I wish you death by tranny cock, but obviously while I didn’t literally mean it you lived only to annoy me ever since instead of just fucking off and leaving me be.

you seemed to mean it literally and only started to say u didnt mean it recently. either way, the graphic shit you said about me sucking dick or w/e.. thats wishing me rape. especially when i said over & over im penis-repulsed and especially repulsed by the thought of having someones penis in my mouth. as for my stance on rape by deception, i changed my stance there & owned up to it being ignorant & wrong at first. either way, i never ever went to any victims of that and told them their experience wasn’t Real somehow.

months ago i wouldve been alright with talking to you PROPERLY and directly but u refused to stop reblogging my posts while still having me blocked, which is the entire reason why i blocked you. bc it was annoying talking to someone who keeps reblogging from me and directing stuff at me on my posts while having me blocked. if u want to unblock one another and talk, i could maybe consider it at this point but ive been saying this for a while now: all i want is for u and ur buddies to stop lying about me, twisting what i say/said/do/did, and the like. i also want them to stop sending me disgusting anons.

at the same time, though, if i see something shitty u or ur friends say (same as for anyone else), im bound to question & criticise it especially considering how aggressive & harsh you all are to anyone you disagree with.

9) You and Eve are no tumblur therapists stop projecting yr mental issues onto me. The only problem I have with cluster b disorders is your group not leaving me be. If there was treatment for that which could make you all you away I would gladly take that magic pill as many times a day as it took.

honestly eve is pretty well off mentally esp when compared to you, and im trying to say this in the least insulting way possible. there’s a reason why so many people find you unreasonable, manipulative, bizarre, hysterical, dramatic, and sometimes comical. either way, trust me im not fond of diagnosing people online. i only ever bring stuff like this up bc its hypocritical for someone to diagnose people online as cluster B all while exhibiting just as many if not more symptoms themselves. either way, this is something youve been doing and refuse to stop doing to other people. just because someone doesnt like you or is critical of you doesn’t mean theyre somehow mentally ill, and it also definitely doesnt mean theyre not a lesbian.

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itsdmod · 7 years

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Hey, I'd like to start a dbd rpg blog but I've never done one before so... I have no idea how to do it? any tips? (btw are you open to rp with OCs?)

[[ Hello! Here’s a modified thing about roleplay I wrote for a friend, you can have it too (under the read more). Also yes, I’m open to OCs as long as they have an about with basic information (how they look like, how tall they are)

And well, here are my tips and things you might need to create a roleplay account (these are all I can think about so yeah if you have more questions hmu)

Theme

Use a theme where your navigation buttons are visible and where people can actually read your content. If you have to write “HOVER” over a section… it’s not too good. Intuitive, that’s what it needs to be.

Pages you will need

> About your muse: Descriptions, story, headcanons, whatevs you wanna add in there. Most important could be name, age, pronouns/sex/gender, sexuality if you wanna add that one, height, some people include weight or just a description of their build.

> Rules: The rules. Yup. Go through some blogs to see what rules you can copy from them and think of more that could be useful. Usual thing: mentioning if you’re underage or not as in “I’m an adult so if you’re underage, no nsfw”; mentioning what kind of things you’ll roleplay; saying if you don’t want people asking if you saw the reply they gave to your roleplay; asking what kind of rp you’ll be doing (paragraph, one liners, whatevs there’s in between) or if you don’t mind any; if you have class/work so you won’t be online too often or whatevs; shipping (multi or single); fandoms you will/won’t rp with; selective?semiselective?not selective?; mutuals only or not? I can’t think of more, just read some rules yup.

> Other pages you could add: about the mod, tags you use, links to your art, links to other pages, headcanons, links to submissions, verses… whatever you want to do!

If you do a verses page, you can give them names or not and just explain what happens on each. Verses can work for AUs too. Have as many as you please.

Decoration

Please don’t use real bright stuff. That’ll hurt everyone’s eyes. I mean you can do it but I sure won’t visit your blog I’ll just watch what you do from the dashboard . . . which means there’s little chance for me (or people like me) to follow you because they can’t check out the way you roleplay.

For some reason, when people have way too decorated/aesthetic blogs they give off the vibe of them not wanting to talk to you at all. Be approachable or talk to people the first if you do this because really it’s part of the intimidation.

Watch out with formatting your replies. If you add a format to everything people can have trouble reading the stuff and just not pay attention to you (also in mobile some things just don’t work at all).

Icons? You can use them if you want to, you don’t have to use them if you don’t want to. You don’t need to use them with every reply you write.

Playlists at blogs are good for decoration, just don’t make the sound be 100% and use a loud song. What I did was just make my autoplay be 20%. That’s good enough for this one specific blog with spoopy music.

oh and like. dont get discouraged at people not paying attention to you at the beginning. it’s hard to get followers or people to follow back since most people nowadays are mutuals only or highly selective…. but don’t let it bring you down. just try and if it doesn’t work then pack your bags and leave. I think they do it to keep the shitty blogs away. I’m sad to say shitty blogs but you know what I mean. The ones that are like “HEY JEFF WHY DID U STEAL MY KATANAS” ok i just used a real life example and i want to die you really dont want those blogs to disturb you you should totally be semi selective , , ,

if a selective or mutuals only blog doesnt follow you in some time after youve followed them they dont want to have to do anything with you so you can get rid of them unless you wanna reblog what they reblog or check what they do

#ooc #roleplay blog tips #Anonymous

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thepositivescientist · 8 years

Text

Serif’s Charm Part 1

[1] [2] [3]

Serif, Charm/Sans, and Elly hang out at The Island

@aglitchandagrump @hiddeninshxdows

( Resort Garden )

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 6:30 PM

Sans walked in, more or less flopping down on the grass and laying there like a starfish. He was so tired. He didn't know why he insisted on staying up so late. Probably because of that nightmare. He really needed to get over that.

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 6:46 PM

Serif fell through a portal right on top of Sans.

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 7:00 PM

"Wh-OOF!" Sans wasn't prepared for a random skeleton coming out of the sky and landing ontop of him. He hoped they hadn't cracked anymore ribs. "Ow- hi- what's up- can you get off of me please-?"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 7:09 PM

Serif didn't expect to land on someone and so it took her a moment to realize why the ground was so pokey. Her face turned a light blue in embarrassment and she quickly scrambled off of him. "s-sorry sorry! i-i didn't mean to- a-are you okay?"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 7:11 PM

He groaned, laying there for a second more before sitting up and looking down the front of his shirt. "Yeah.. Didn't knock anything out of place." he mumbled before looking up at her. Suddenly it clicked who she was and a small blush covered his own face. "Serif?"

King Papyrus [GST]-Last Friday at 7:11 PM

papyrus walks by to smell the flowersive never seen these before.

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 7:16 PM

Her blush got even worse as she realized who this alternate was. "ch-charm!? uhhhh h-heya! s-sorry for dropping in like that!"

King Papyrus [GST]-Last Friday at 7:16 PM

sits on a benchpapyrus thinks "oh no...... she made a PUN didn't she?"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 7:20 PM

He smiled a bit at the pun, his fingers beginning to scratch at themselves a bit. "Its fine!" He was acting so weird! Why? This was just a Swap alternate this shouldn't be so difficult. "U-uh, what's up? Except for you, of course."

King Papyrus [GST]-Last Friday at 7:21 PM

*papyrus walks over to the two sans' are you two ok? i heard a pun and someone fall

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 7:23 PM

He looks over at the Papyrus, taken off guard. "Uhm, everything's fine. Sorry if we disturbed you."

King Papyrus [GST]-Last Friday at 7:24 PM

"no you didnt" "its ok"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 7:27 PM

Serif was about to answer when she noticed the newcomer. She nodded in agreement to what Charm said. She hadn't met many alternate Papyrus before and his clothing was weird too....She wasn't sure if she should say anything though. She glanced around the garden to keep from staring. "it's quite lovely here."

King Papyrus [GST]-Last Friday at 7:28 PM

papyrus smells another flower "yes it is lovely here

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 7:28 PM

"Yeah, it is." he smiled a bit, following past her gaze to the small rose bush. He should pick some for Arial. He didn't seem to notice the other's strange attire much.

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 7:38 PM

Serif bunched into a loose ball and just looked around admiring the area. "what's your favorite kind of flower?" Her question was directed at no one in particular, up for both of them to answer if they wished.

King Papyrus [GST]-Last Friday at 7:39 PM

"i really dont know"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 7:39 PM

"Uh... I don't know. I've never gotten to see that many. There are more kinds here than I've seen in my lifetime." He paused, taking a moment to scan the area again. "I know Arial likes roses."

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 7:45 PM

"roses are really nice! they come in tons of colors! and each color has a different meaning! i heard you can even get a rainbow one. personally I love forget-me-nots. i've only seen them in pictures though. they're little blue flowers, pretty unassuming. but their meaning is beautiful!" Her eyelights were sparkling just thinking about it.

King Papyrus [GST]-Last Friday at 7:46 PM

papyrus leaves "im gonna go see you guys later bye! and serif, youve convinced me.... roses... thats my favorite, roses

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 8:00 PM

"seeya!" Serif waved as the other left. What an odd Papyrus.

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 8:13 PM

"Rainbow roses..?" He should see if he could get one for Arial. "What do forget-me-nots look like?"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 8:17 PM

Serif tried to think of a better descriptor for them. Small and blue didn't say much. She remembered something. "oh! they look like this-" She opened a small portal, stuck her hand through and came back with a book. She checked the page to make sure it was the right one before showing Charm. It was a book on flower language, the history and meaning of the Forget-Me-Not was written and a picture of the plant accompanied it.

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 8:23 PM

He was surprised when she opened the portal, watching in interest as she pulled out the book. He smiled a bit when she showed him the picture. "That's beautiful. I can see why you like it so much."

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 8:37 PM

She practically glowed with excitement. "i know right?! and the story behind it is really cool, albeit a bit sad." She paused for a moment. "okay really sad. this guy went to get some of these flowers for his lover but they were on a river side and he fell in. and as he was carried off by the water he told her that he'd always love her. and she never had another lover again because she only loved him. that's why these flowers stand for undying love, remembrance after partings and loyalty in a relationship." Oh dear she rambled again didn't she? "s-sorry, i didn't mean to talk so much."

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 8:44 PM

"No- it's fine! The stories behind these things are entertaining." He smiled brightly. "Its actually quite uh..." he couldn't say cute. He could say it to Swap but not to her. She might get the wrong idea! "..uhm, interesting! And sweet! The meaning I mean not the, uh, the story.." he just ended up staring at her stopping his trail of thought before he began rambling himself. "U-uh.." he quickly broke his gaze.

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 8:57 PM

She was a little confused about his reaction. He must not like grim stories. She shrugged it off, story or not the flower still seemed really romantic to her. And she loved the color! "do you know much flower language? not many people do these days, besides the meaning of roses. oh! one interesting thing about roses, a dozen red roses means love and admiration, but thirteen stands for 'friends forever.' and twenty four means 'you're in my thoughts every hour of the day.' isn't that neat?"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 9:02 PM

Oh man that was honestly adorable. Wait- what was he thinking? Snap out of it, Sans! "That's really cool!" He beamed. "I'll have to keep it in mind. And, uh, no I don't. I only know most of the stories people tell me. I don't take the time to read a lot of stuff." His eye sight played a big part in that.

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 9:12 PM

"oh i love reading! i learned most everything i know from books! i think times is the same way but i haven't really asked him. anyway, there's tons to learn from books! maybe i could recommend some to you! this one is really great! especially around this time of year if you have someone special." She winked jokingly. "maybe you could use some flower language to mess with times!"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 9:17 PM

He laughed a bit. "Yeah! That would get him real bad!" He suddenly felt a bit sheepish, sinking down into his jacket a bit. "I-I'm uh, just not the best reader. I can only see through one eye even clearly a-and I get a horrible headache. But thanks!"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 9:28 PM

She looked suprised, her own Charm hadn't told her that she had bad vision. "really?! gosh that must be horrible! i have trouble already with my eyesight and it's only bad when i try to look at things far away." She thought for a moment before her smile got bright again. "how about i read to you! i read to papyrus all the time. we could have little reading parties!"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 9:31 PM

His blush reappeared, he seemed to be surprised at the offer. He read to Papyrus too but that was about it. "R-Really?" he.. He had never had someone read to him before. "I-I mean.." his smile for a bit wider, "That would be great!"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 9:32 PM

in the garden it seems there's a solid black flower there, how odd

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 9:43 PM

Serif nodded excitedly. She hadn't expected him to accept really, she didn't think her own Charm would like that, but she was overjoyed none the less. She loved teaching and reading to others. "great! i'll get some books together when i get home and when we meet you can pick which one we start with!" She was really excited thinking of all the possiblilties when she noticed the strange flower. She'd never seen a flower like that before and ended up staring at it for a long moment before walking over to get a closer look.

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 9:44 PM

the flower was solid black, as if it was a living shadow of the flower next to it. if you looked closely you can see its small details

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 9:47 PM

Sans looked ecstatic. "Th-thanks so much, Serif!" He was beaming with happiness. She followed her over when she got up, looking at the flower. It felt... Familiar.

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 9:50 PM

Serif wasn't sure if she should pick it or not. Very hesitantly she brushed a finger over one of the petals. It seemed so dark! How could anything be that black? Well...maybe she'd seen someone that color. But never any object.

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 9:51 PM

"Uh... What type of flower is this?" he asked curiously.

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 10:01 PM

"i....i don't know. never seen it before." Maybe some cross breed of flower? Very carefully she plucked it from the other flowers.

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 10:02 PM

the flower suddenly starts screaming "OH GOD WHY! I HAVE A WIFE AND FAMILY!""OH GOD THE PAIN!"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 10:05 PM

He jumps at the scream, almost falling back. "What the fuck-?"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 10:10 PM

Serif screeched and dropped the flower stumbling back from it and tripping over her own feet. "I'M SORRY I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T- I'M SORRY!" Oh gosh she was so close to a panic attack right now. Memories surfacing that really shouldn't. She forced them down as she tried to calm her breathing while still shouting apologies.

Gladion/Silvally(Ugotmail)-Last Friday at 10:11 PM

the weird mutant shadow creature steps in, staring at what's going on. sure it's leaveing black goo all over the place. but it's not their fault now is it?

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 10:11 PM

She changed her form back and elly looked so sorry "!AEDI ELBIRRET A SAW SIHT WENK I HHHA OT TNAEM TNDID I !YRROS OS MI DOG YM HO"she was panicking and crying repeating 'im so sorry'

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 10:13 PM

Sans was at Serif's side in a second, hands wavering over her. He glanced at Elly. "...hi elly."

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 10:13 PM

she would have responded but she's busy crying and saying sorry

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 10:14 PM

Serif couldn't do much but stare as she kept trying to keep back her own tears. She took a long deep breath. "it's f-fine. i-i just d-didn't expect that s'all." She forced a small smile. "n-no need to b-be upset!"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 10:15 PM

She was still sobbing a lot "!dab os uoy eracs ot naem tndid i ,knarp sselmrah elttil a od ot detnaw tsuj i !uoy deracs i tuB"she tried rubbing her tears away but it just wasnt stopping her crying "!em etah ydaerla uoy erus m'I"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 10:17 PM

"Elly calm down. Its fine."

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 10:17 PM

its too late, Elly cannot get calm, she's panicking too much

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 10:19 PM

"e-elly! i don't hate you! it's okay!"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 10:19 PM

"God dammit-" he turned his focus to Serif for now. "You sure you're okay, Serif?"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 10:22 PM

At the question she gave an obviously forced grin. "i-i'm sure." She turned back to Elly letting the grin fall. "e-elly! c-calm down p-please!"

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 10:25 PM

"Yeah, no you're not. Its best to let her calm down on her own -- she is in the middle of panicking right now and ain't coming out of it soon." he carefully placed a hand on her shoulder. "You try to calm down first."

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 10:25 PM

she was sniffling and rubbing her eyes, "....yldab regnarts a deracs i eveileb t'nac I" she curlled up on the ground regretting her idea to try and just do a harmless prank just silently sobbing

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 10:32 PM

Serif flinched at the touch, barely resisting the impulse to grab and throw him. She appreciated the gesture even so. "i-i a-am calm! i-i'm fine j-just-" Oh shit she was crying, fuck. "d-don't w-worry about me! i-it w-was j-just a prank! o-okay? h-help e-elly."

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 10:32 PM

Elly just kinda retreats into the shadow of the flowers to try and calm herself down, still repeating sorry as she goes in

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 10:34 PM

"..great." What the fuck did he do? He looked around for the other. Well, that wasn't good. Where did she go? "Fuck." he mumbled before looking back at Serif. "C'mon, let me help."

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 10:43 PM

Why did she have to be so emotional?! She wiped at her tears and tried to calm herself but more voices kept filling her head. Calm thoughts, warm fires, falling snow, echo flowers telling stories, gentle water falling, books, numbers. She didn't want to be a bother, she didn't even know this Charm. Why did she have to get so upset? Ballroom music, fond memories, different voices, jokes, laughter. She was snapped back into reality when Charm talked to her. "o-okay....i-i'm sorry."

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 10:47 PM

Very carefully he hesitated before gently grabbing her hand. This calmed down Swap... Maybe it would calm down her? "Everything's fine."

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:04 PM

Serif looked down at their hands for a long moment. His words started taking the places of the other voices, the screaming begging voices that made her sins crawl up her back...."e-everything's f-f-fine." The voices faded more and more. "e-everything's fine." The panic fading. "everything's-" She took at deep breath. "fine." She managed to relax. The voices quiet for the moment.

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 11:10 PM

He managed to give a small reassuring smile at her and he nodded as if to say she was doing good. His other hand covered theirs already holding. "Everything's fine. And it will be fine." He looked over to where he presumed Elly to be. "Elly, you can come out now. Its all fine."

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:16 PM

She peeked her head out from the shadows of the flowers "?....i did dab oot regnarts eht eracs tndid i....?yllaer ti si"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:16 PM

Serif managed a smile back. She was so thankful. And gosh Charm was so nice. "i'm fine elly."

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 11:17 PM

"Not at all. See?" he smiled a bit brighter from Serif to Elly.

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:18 PM

she slipped out all the way, she took out her spooky themed white board and wrote on it [Im still sorry for scaring you stranger...]

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:21 PM

Serif gave her a smile. "it's all okay elly! are you okay?"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:21 PM

[Ive calmed down. sorry for panicking] she thought for a moment though [wait how do you know my name?]

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 11:22 PM

"Yep, everything is fine." he took a deep breath, relaxing a bit himself. He yawned a bit, blinking tiredly. He didn't realize he was still holding Serif's hand.

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:25 PM

"oh sorry about that! i'm serif, an alternate of your swap! and i know your name because there is a version of you in my side of the multiverse."

Charm - [aglitchandagrump]-Last Friday at 11:28 PM

Without warning, Sans flops over onto Serif. He was fast asleep.

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:30 PM

she tilted her head confused. but just kinda just accepts this [Okay..?....if your a swap of swap, does that mean your a girl or something?]

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:34 PM

Serif caught Sans she was worried about him for a moment before she saw he was just sleeping. Maybe that was just a thing he did? Anyway, she carefully sat down and let him use her lap as a pillow. "well, i'm not really a swap of swap. but yes, i am a girl! from what i know, everyone has switched genders where i come from."

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:36 PM

Elly thinks then slides closer to Serif [does that mean im allowed to flirt~?] Elly wiggles her eyebrows in a joking way

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:40 PM

Serif blushed bright blue. "u-uh, s-sorry! i-i'm flattered a-and all but i'm n-not into g-girls!"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:40 PM

Elly giggles and changed her form to a guy [How's this?]

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:42 PM

Serif's blush just got worse. "U-UH B-BUT- I-I UH Y-YOU L-LOOK LIKE MY B-BROTHER S-SO UM....." Gosh she was so flustered

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:43 PM

Elly laughs more and falls back"hsulb elpoep hctaw ot ynnuf tsuj sti !~gniddik mI"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:45 PM

Serif pouted, her blush getting worse. "th-thats rude! d-don't you h-have any manners?!"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:47 PM

He changes back to her female form [sorry sorry! i just couldnt help it. and im sure if there's a me in your universe you should know i have such little manners, i eat chairs]

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Friday at 11:53 PM

"e-eating chairs and flirting with me are t-two different things!" She continued to pout. "by the way, what do chairs even taste like?"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Friday at 11:53 PM

[it depends, i know that oak wood tastes a little like cinnamon, buts its very hard to tell]

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 12:02 AM

"i-interesting!...?" She wasn't sure what to say to that. "uhhh...have you ever tried eating flowers? some of them are edible normally, like rose petals. kinda neat right?'

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 12:05 AM

[Ive eaten flowers before, they taste too leafy]

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 12:07 AM

"well normally you'd put them in other things! i've heard people put them in icecream and salads and stuff like that!"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 12:09 AM

she squints wondering if its better on stuff [I prefer chairs though, and pretty girls] she can't wink so the skull on her chest does it for her

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 12:17 AM

Serif made a choked squeak noise. "w-welp i-i'm not a-a chair a-and i'm not p-pretty s-so-" She shrugged. "u-uh a-anyway d-do you like books? i-i do! they're great! haha!"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 12:17 AM

[I like books, i can't read them very well since. well] she taps her stitched up eye[But i do really like books about knitting!]

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 12:23 AM

"o-oh! y-yeah. i can imagine that would b-be a little difficult." She straightened San's jacket just to have something to do with her hands. "knitting? that sounds fun!"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 12:25 AM

[its a fun and calming passtime, i do it to calm myself when i panic, i do end up with really hurt hands though] she chuckles a little

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 12:28 AM

"do...you panic often? that sounds....unpleasent. the panic part. knitting sounds great though! i've been meaning to learn how to do that."

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 12:30 AM

[i used to panic very easy, and I mean really easy, I would drop a pillow by accident and there I go, on the ground panicking. I've gotten better but I still panic when I scare someone too bad or get scared] she looks down twiddling her thumbs[i hope that one day i'll stop panicking and be, well 'normal']

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 12:45 AM

Serif tugged at her bandanna as it loosening it. "oh gosh...that sounds horrible. i'm sure you'll find a way to not panic as much! whenever i start to panic or get really nervous i take a deep breath to help me! have you tried doing that?" She didn't notice that she started holding Sans' hand again, it was calming to hold someone's hand for her. and Charm was like her own Charm.

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 12:52 AM

[I try, but it's hard for me.] she leans on her hand as she keeps writing [im not exactly the best at calming myself, I usually just panic, and try to calm myself, it's hard since I don't get comfort. but I've learned to try and comfort myself]

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 1:03 AM

Serif felt so much pity for the shadow girl. She'd have to tell Times that his sister needed hugs. But for now maybe she could offer them. She reached out her arm that wasn't holding Sans' hand as a sorta of offering of a hug. "s-sorry if t-this is a little awkward b-but c-can i hug you?"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 1:05 AM

she looks up and nods scoots over hugging Serif, glad for the hug "T-thank you"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 1:27 AM

Serif hugged her back as well as she could with one arm. "no problem....you looked like you really needed a hug. and...i kinda needed one too. gosh, i wish i could help you more..."

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 1:31 AM

"It okay, me happy for comfort" she snuggles into the hug more "....~yfmoC"

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 1:57 AM

Serif chuckled when Elly snuggled into the hug more. She nuzzled the shadow affectionately. "too bad charm fell asleep, he's missing out on elly hugs!"

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 1:58 AM

"siht ekil ,tfos dna pmulp flesym ekam nac i ecnis sguh tseb eht evig i dna" she makes herself a little more plump and soft, so her hug is even softer

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 2:05 AM

Serif giggled and snuggled closer to the shadow. "thats so cool! gosh you really are soft and snuggly!" She wanted to fall asleep from how comfy she was.

Elly [Hiddeninshxows]-Last Saturday at 2:10 AM

she giggles at little and pats Serif's head "~esaelp i revewoh ot mrof ym egnahc ot teg i ,seramthgin dna swodahs fo pu edam gnieb ot skrep eht fo eno sti !sknahT"she yawns and leans against Serif falling sleep. Welp now serif has two dorks sleeping on her

Serif [SecondQuill]-Last Saturday at 2:47 AM

Serif started to drift off herself. She gave Elly and Sans a kiss on the forehead, settled down in the grass being careful not to jostle the sleeping dorks, and fell asleep.

#Serif #Scientific Positivity: Chrono #Islandevent #| The Doc Is In |: RP

2 notes · View notes

chasing-rabbits · 5 years

Note

I dont think the monetizing on your mentally ill page is a bad idea, IF you do it the right way. I think the idea behind spreading the word of mental illness, raising awareness and destigmatizing it is what we need to do. If selling buttons or stickers or shirts or what have you to sell accomplishes this goal then go for it! I would buy a pin that says " __awareness" I would NOT buy a pin that says "SOS my girlfriends bipolar" BUT ur smart and you get it so I doubt you would do that anyway lol

Well considering I have bipolar and bpd and am currently battling stigma from MH professionals yeah I just i see on redbubble the site i use for my vegan designs. Like I looked up bipolar some of it was just horrible like there was these his and hers tops and it was basically correlating bipolar gf w/ crazy etc and i just...idk i find it in v. bad taste especially since i found no evidence to suggest this person has bipolar or any mental illness that is heavily stigmatised. I understand using dark humor to cope but i feel if you are going to sell on the nose dark humor related merch it should be about a disorder you personally have. You know? Also i would not sell even dark humor stuff that uses the word crazy in reference to bipolar. Like when I say dark humor and stuff i mean like i used to follow a blog called self harm shark and some ppl sent it hate saying it glorified it and such but honestly it helped me on tough nights not to cut/not to feel less alone i actually felt less crazy because many user submitted stuff I could relate to and its one of those things where you might think youre alone in feeling this or that and you realise youre not and that is sad sure that someone else experiences it too but it is relieving to know youre not the only one it makes you feel less crazy bcos u realise its not just you so its almost like not normal but its not like youre the only one who experiences it therefore you just idk im not good at explaining it just makes me at least feel less crazy etc. But yeah i mean..idk i just think yeah certain things shouldnt be joked about and i feel like if youre not suffering with said mental illness or dont have a relative or partner or anything with said mental illness you shouldnt really even consider making dark humor or on the nose jokes/humor/memes to sell etc. Cos it comes off as more well..do you actually think that? Are you stigmatising us or thinking these things? Are you trying to make a buck off mental health but you dont care about the mentally ill? You know you just never know someones intentions. I know like for example i woudlnt want to buy vegan merch off someone whose not vegan who doesnt believe in the vegan lifestyle..when I could buy a vegan pin or magnet or coaster set etc from a vegan trying to work hard to make a living its just yeah... I have some designs in mind actually that i have already created for bipolar and mental illness. I actually have one saying my mental illness is not your adjective or something like that. I do have one i created that says ‘bipolar af’ i created it when manic and now ive come out of mania im not entirely sure if its a good idea to sell it or not? I mean im not sure if that is like idk if the as fuck bit makes it sound bad or if it could be misinterpreted and seen as like..the whole using it as an adjective thing like what if people buy it who are like buying it to like use bipolar as an adjective in that terms like you know how people say the weather is so bipolar or quite often bipolar is used to describe someone who just has mood swings or someone who people might define as highly strung or ‘crazy’ idk im not sure if the AF bit makes it seem like thats how its gonna be viewed. I mean to me idk I guess it was just an idea of a shirt or pin etc saying hey im bipolar and you know im not ashamed but in less words...idk if youve noticed but im extremely like anxiety riddled and so worried of being seen as what i despise and that..like worried my designs or words might be misinterpreted or that i might have like a dark humor post or something and maybe it is abit too on the nose or that people might be upset about it or so on. I dont know because no one can police how someone copes with their illness but it is different when that person it putting it out there for sale on pins and stuff you know? Oh btw I am going to be making pins and magnets and other stuff. I am currently working on deciding if i do it through Teepublic/Redbubble or if I use this local manafacturer I found in Leeds (im from good old britland lmfao or brexshitland) Which might be more costly because Idk that i’d be able to afford to bulk buy the products..i mean I could always do like a uhh thing where whats it called where you have a campaign and you set a limit/target so you say once i reach 100 sales i’ll buy the product and ship it out kinda thing? But idk because i mean what if it takes literally a year to reach 100 sales and people dont want to wait that long. So im not sure...i mean I could do a gofundme maybe but idk how that works..or how to set it up. I really want to focus on my Mental health blog and socials and that combines with my poetry as much of my poetry is mental health related and so recovery related too. So my poetry is less of something i really need to worry about maintaining because i write when i want to when i get inspired or when I need to vent to keep my mental health in check. So i just do it off the cuff as and when and post it to my poetry tumblr. I have over 500 pieces stock piled that I just need to schedule to my WordPress site. So thats not an issue. So I guess right now I need to work out where to focus iike Mental Health stuff or vegan designs for my Rb or what I could do is just dedicate a day a week to the vegan designs on redbubble as its not very time consuming to create the designs. And then I can upload them like as and when maybe just spend an hour a day uploading designs and making a new instagram post and sharing that on facebook and here. So then I have 6 days minus an hour a day to work on my mental health stuff which is my main focus and passion tbh. I guess ive been delaying it because ive been strugglign so much lately ive felt like a fraud or felt like i’d be a fraud preaching happiness and recovery and talking about things to help yourself during depressive episodes etc when i was just mooching around watching tv and just feeling blah...you know? I just..I dont know where to start with the mental health stuff and im so afraid of failing and fucking up or being judged and people thinking i suck or like recently i got accused of faking my mental illnesses from a guy in a UK businesses networking group..he sent me a tirade of hate and how he was gonna shame me for being a fake and claimed he had borderline PD and bipolar too and how hes learnt most people fake it and take advantage of the system put in place to help people really mentally ill luckily the admins removed him from the group..but its just..it really got to me you know. My biggest thing is being told im faking it because so many people think borderlines fake their mood shifts because we change happy to suicidal in seconds or at least i do sometimes at my worst..its just hard..i get it can seem attention seeking because we over react to minor issues and arguments but thats literally the definition of our disorder. we are emotionally unstable and we think and like evrything to us is in extremes i love to the max i get angry over reactive to the max i ahve extreme fears of abandonment triggered by slight changes in my relationships w/ people things others might not even pick up on.. idk i got a lot to say and dont know where to start! haha but thank you I will definitely look more into creating mental health based merchandise..

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actualbird · 7 years

Note

Hmmmmn do u have any all-time fave fics u could ref? I trust u

OH MAN!!! u didnt specify any fandom so im assuming you mean my all time faves from WHEREVER and OH BOY!!!

i actually have fic rec page on my blog which spans over a whole bunch of fandoms and has cool legends like humor and angst and stuff (im still working on it tho omg) along with my catchall fic tag where i shove all the fics i reblog. but you asked for my ALL TIME FAVES so here are some off the top of my head (im limiting myself to one per fandom or else id be here FOREVER).

(note: pls check the tags of fics before you read them)

Designations Congruent with Things by cleanwhiteroom (alt link) [Pacific Rim]

He begins at it already pried apart

OHHHHHH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. oh my GOD. okay i lose my shit over Designations Congruent with Things on a yearly basis because it is, by far, one of the most stunning pieces of fiction ive read. full stop. not only is it a feat of fanfiction (it’s GODDAMN LONG. it’s been taken off of ao3, so i cant check the wc, but damn i remember it was long), but as a story, it’s just. god, i dont even know what to say. ive already talked about this fic in a previous ask, so im just going to reiterate all my love again, just phrased slightly differently.

DCwT is an epic piece of Newt/Hermann Pacific Rim fanfiction. it follows Hermann and Newt after the events of the movie and delve painfully into each and every consequence their actions cause. it’s quite possibly the hardest thing ive ever read, for many reasons; the emotions are so vivid and they hurt; the science is so well researched it took me an hour to get through a paragraph because i my brain was still trying to catch up; Run On Sentences For Miles; it’s really, really goddamn long. i remember it got some flack for being over complicated, but in my opinion, the things that make this fic difficult are exactly what make it incredible. it’s overly cerebral in a way two messed up genius scientists would absolutely be. this fic is. i dont have words for it. i have only read the whole thing in its entirety ONCE and i have tried to reread it but goddamn is it difficult. this fic is definitely not for everybody, but it’s a piece of art that gained a bit of a cult following back when it was updating. (theres a fictional band in the fic that inspired ppl to make the band and the music real. RIGHT???) anyway this fic is basically the cornerstone which i worship when it comes to fanfiction as a genre of literature. jesus christ. jesus christ.

World Ain’t Ready by idiopathicsmile [Les Miserables]

Enjolras presses his lips together. He already looks pained, and Grantaire hasn’t even opened his mouth yet. That’s got to be a record, even for them.

“I need a favor,” he says at last.

“With what?” says Grantaire. “Ooh, are you forming a cult? Can I join? I’d be awesome at cults, I just know it.” He ticks off his qualifications on his fingers. “I love chanting, I look great in robes—”

(High school AU. Grantaire the disaffected stoner is pulled into a cause bigger than himself. Or: in which there are pretend boyfriends for great justice.)

if youve ever been in the les mis fandom i know you know this fic. i know youve already read this fic. i know that your dog has probably already read this fic. i know that this fic has been recced to hell and back, and currently resides as the most kudo-sed work in the les mis tag on AO3. but im reccing it anyways because it’s just THAT GOOD. this fic got me INTO THE FANDOM. pacing. plot. characterization. teen angst. HUMOR. this fic is perfect. literally no other words. it’s just perfect. i read this in my last few months of senior year high school, and never before have i ever read a fic that actually, truly, felt like it was about teenagers. the narrative and the voice. the dialog. god. if this were a book, id buy it. and that’s saying something because im always BROKE. but id buy this fic. several times. who am i kidding. you dont need to know this bc youve read this fic before. if you havent, please. do yourself a favor. oh my god. oh my god. (and when youre done, read all of idiopathicsmile’s other fics too god theyre all SO GOOD)

catch me if you can by isawet [Teen Wolf]

What do you think of my solution to the Kobayashi Maru?

hands down one of my favorite teen wolf fic. a vague summary gives way to a fic with incredible characterization. fucking beautiful writing style. non-chronological story telling done wonderfully. and gosh, that ending. hilarious in tiny bits that make it all the more better. just, honestly. this fic needs so much more love. it’s my go-to fic whenever i want to understand just how one can utilize suspense and tension in writing. what the hell. what the

Segments [series] by d_aia [Kingsman: The Secret Service]

“Are you sure that’s how you want to tell him?” Merlin asked once again.

“He will need space to deal with situation. It’s how he copes,” Arthur explained and a bit pretentiously at that, if one were to ask Merlin. “I’m giving him a place and a reason to run.”

Merlin chose to shut up.

all fics in this series? my favorite. it’s intelligent, brutal, beautiful. it’s been a while since ive read these, but theres a reason these fics still haunt me. god. god.

Graduate Vulcan for Fun and Profit by lazulisong [Star Trek: AOS]

It really does take a village to raise a Jim.

The members of the Kelvin’s crew watch over Jim as much as he lets them.

I LOVE THIS FIC SOOOOOOO MUCH. it’s a really delicate, heartfelt piece that isnt afraid to be an asshole sometimes, which is basically jim kirk in a nutshell. not only does it go through an incredible reflective relationship with some rando vulcan who decided to take him under his wing, but it does so in a realistic way that doesnt over dramatize aspects, but still ends up very vivid. also, THERES VULCAN LINGUISTICS. linguistics + fanfiction = 10000000% Best Shit EVER.

fathers and sons by M_Leigh [X-Men: DoFP]

“I have an – interest – in Peter Maximoff,” Erik said, somewhat grudgingly, glaring. “A – familial – interest –”

Everybody stared at him.

“In that – mutantkind is one – large – family –” Erik said valiantly, if pathetically.

“Oh, shit,” Alex said. “No way. No way.”

ghghgfjhdh the first xmen fic i ever read and by far, the most fukcgin hilarious. jesus CHRIST. theres just something subtly incredible about how the author uses phrasing to make every sentence as goddamn funny as they are. im really in love with the comma placement in this fic. every comma is exactly where it needs to be. every em dash is where it belongs. IM NOT MAKING SENSE, but i would send this fic to people as a prime example of narrative humor uplifted via phrasing and punctuation. just read this fic. it’s got Hank POV, Charles being a “strange lecherous Englishman”, Peter being a Teen, and everybody drags Erik’s fashion choices.

Repeat After Me by queenieofaces [Yuri On Ice]

Victor learns language through mimicry, hears phrases and repeats them back until the inflection becomes second nature. Yuuri seems to communicate best through euphemism, through metaphor, through talking around the subject rather than approaching it head on, and so Victor tries his best to mimic him, to take his words and echo them back.

(Vignettes in language learning and communication, spanning the whole series.)

SO!! FUCKING!!! GOOD!!!!!!!! i think ive mentioned how much i LOVE LANGUAGE and this fic tackles the language barrier in a beautiful, earnest way. as a bilingual, this fic was just so so so good. victor is just bounding with love in this fic and the writing just feels so..,,,,warm.,,,,,

OKAY i know you only asked for fic recs and not….all these rambles but. i just have a lot of love for fanfiction. fanfiction is so great. we are so lucky. we are so lucky. dont 4get to leave kudos and comments on fics you like! happy reading anon!!!

#ANG DAMI KONG SINABI HALA #asks #anon #long post #i love fanfiction so much

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Podcast #497: The Meaning, Manifestations, and Treatments for Anxiety

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Podcast #497: The Meaning, Manifestations, and Treatments for Anxiety

According to recent statistics, the number of Americans dealing with anxiety ailments is over 40 million and that number is increasing. My guest today is one of those Americans who’s suffered from bouts of nervousnes all of his life. He’s also a successful journalist. So he decided to use his journalistic chops to explore the history of anxiety and how we treat it in the hopes he could gain more insight about the mental disorder that has beset him since his youth.

His name is Scott Stossel. He’s an editor at The Atlantic and the author of My Age of Anxiety: Fear, Hope, Dread, and the Search for Peace of Mind. We begin our conversation discussing Scott’s experience with anxiety that began as a child, what nervousnes may seem like, and how he’s treated it throughout their own lives. We then dig into the history of anxiety, looking at how it’s been viewed differently through time, and at what phase psychologists classified it as a mental disorder. Scott then strolls us through the differences between hypothesis about what causes anxiety and what the research says about the best ways to treat it. We aim our conversation discussing the nation of Scott’s anxiety today and whether he thinks he’ll ever be cured.

Show Highlights Scott’s lifelong experience with anxiety The benefits and usefulness of anxiety Society’s general increase of anxiousness, and why this happens How did nervousnes used to be diagnosed and treated? The arbitrary diagnosing of nervousnes ailments Genetics vs. environment vs. culture in induce anxiousness What can we do to boost our resilience and resistance to anxiety? The pros and cons of therapy, drugs, and other therapies The power of regular exert Can anxiety truly ever be cured? Resources/People/Articles Mentioned in Podcast AoM series on Male Depression How to Deal With Anxiety Agoraphobia Our podcast with Lenore Skenazy about free-range parenting AoM series on Overprotective Parenting Modern “Neurasthenia”: Curing Your Restlessness Are Modern People the Most Exhausted in History ? A Simple Cure for Restlessness Mastering Mindset to Improve Happiness, Health, and Longevity Action Over Feelings Neuropeptide Y Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics National Alliance on Mental Illness Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Connect With Scott

Scott’s website

Scott on Twitter

Listen to the Podcast!( And don’t forget to leave us a review !)

Listen to the episode on a separate page .

Download this episode .

Subscribe to the podcast in the media player of your selection .

Recorded on ClearCast.io

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Read the Transcript

Brett McKay: Brett McKay here and welcome to another edition of The Art of Manliness Podcast. According to recent statistics, the number of Americans dealing with anxiety ailments is over 40 million, and that number is increasing. My guest today is one of those Americans who suffered from bouts of anxiety all of his life. He is also a successful journalists. So, we decided to use his journalistic chops to explore the history of anxiety and how we treat it in the hoax he had been able to gain more insight and about the mental disorder that has beset him since his youth.

His name is Scott Stossel. He’s an editor at the Atlantic and the author of My Age Of Anxiety: Fear, Hope, Dread And The Search For Peace Of Mind. We begin our conversation discussing Scott’s experience with anxiety that began as a child. What anxiety may seem like and how he’s treated it throughout their own lives. We then dig into the history of anxiety looking at how its been viewed differently through time and at what point psychologists classified it as a mental disorder. Scott then walks us through the differences between theories about what causes anxiety and what the research says about the best ways to treat it.

We end our conversation discussing the country of Scott’s anxiety today. Whether he thinks he will ever be cured. After the show’s over, check out our prove notes at aom.is/ ageofanxiety. Scott joins me now via clearcast.io.

Right, Scott Stossel, welcome to the show.

Scott Stossel: Thanks so much for having me.

Brett McKay: You wrote a book, My Age Of Anxiety, which is a cultural history, scientific history of nervousnes. Which is something a lot more Americans are struggling with, they’re reporting struggling with. But not only is this a history, it’s a narrative of your own struggle with anxiety throughout your life. Let’s start there. How long have you been struggling and dealing with anxiety?

Scott Stossel: Its candidly been pretty much a lifelong struggle from a very young age. The earliest I can recollect, I had terrible acute separation anxiety when I was a little kid. Any time I was away from my parents, I was convinced that they were dead or died in a automobile accident or that they were actually robots and I was part of some experiment. By the time I got to school, I would have anxious stomach aches and anxious headaches and I would always end up in the nurse’s office. I would fret endlessly about all kinds of things.

So, genuinely from the time I was … My earliest memories, I remember being worried about things. I have, I think a temperamental propensity towards nervousnes and worry that showed itself at a very, very young age.

Brett McKay: Did it manifest itself differently over the years as you got older.

Scott Stossel: Yeah, the separation anxiety and that’s a classic early manifestation of people who grew up to develop what you clinically called anxiety ailments. But over time, I developed specific phobiums; dread of heights, anxiety of enclosed spaces, fear of cheese and anxiety of vomiting, dread of flying, which was a fairly acute one that still plagues me today.

I also, as I get older, started having panic attacks, which anyone who’s experienced them knows are often when they recur with any frequency over a given period, that becomes clinically known as panic disorder. I had that. When I got to middle school and high school, I had all kinds of social anxiety where I worry about interacting with other people, particularly performing in public. I was in the school play in sixth grade, it was humiliating, I had to walk off stage because I lost the ability to speak.

And then I carried all that with me into adulthood, basically these anxieties were regrettably added if not substituting. I wasn’t switching one for the other. Just every time I got a new anxiety, I would just add that to the ones I already had. By the time I got to high school and then young adulthood, I was not all the time but pretty constantly struggling with some collection of anxieties about going to school, traveling, getting sick, dealing with other people.

The strain of dealing with that would lead to depression. It was a fairly toxic stew of negative feelings I was dealing with by the time I was a young adult.

Brett McKay: Right, one two punch. I imagine, we’ll talk about you’re still working with this stuff today. But you’re a writer for The Atlantic. You’re a public figure. Is it still something you struggle with? The fact that “youve got to” do speaking involvements or things like that, is that something you have to manage as well?

Scott Stossel: It is. I’m what they call … I’m a high functioning person with nervousnes ailment. There’s some people who get so anxious that they’re what’s called agoraphobia, where their panic disorder gets so bad that the range of things they can do gets smaller and smaller. Eventually, they are people who are confined to their houses or even be restricted to one room in their house and can’t do anything for years at a time.

I’ve had periods like that, fortunately, short periods where I could feel the world closing in on me. But for the best part, with a combination of medication, other kinds of therapy, and just force of will sometimes, mostly managed to live a normal life and have a career.

There are ways in which, and I talk about this in the book in which anxiety has its benefits or at least it’s connected to temperamental traits that are good. If you’re super anxious about things, you’re kind of hyper vigilant, which builds you good at scanning the environment and being aware of your social situations or being able to read social cues. People with social nervousnes probably over read them, but it can be a useful skill. Your worrying a lot can be debilitating if it’s excessive, but it also helps you to plan for different eventualities. You can look ahead.

I think that only the struggles I’ve had with my mental health have stimulated me more empathetic towards other people have those conflicts and even to people who don’t have those conflicts. I think it helps with communication. There are a lot of ways in which even though I dislike my anxiety when it’s flaring up, it’s probably propelled me along, its stimulated me conscientious because I’m afraid of screwing up, I’m afraid of appear bad. That becomes a motivator.

A lot of times I feel like I’m patched together or scarcely holding it together because my anxiety is so bad or, I’m pharmaceutically armored against my anxiety. That’s how I’ve struggled through, and I still struggle with it today a lot. We can talk about that more later if you want. But I’ve been fortunate enough to manage to, mostly be a productive member of society.

Brett McKay: Well, this volume came out 2014. It’s been five years. You’re seeing all these reports come out week after week about how Americans, especially young Americans and young Westerners in general, are increasingly feeling like they’re anxious or they’re suffering from anxiety. What are the numbers? How many Americans do we know are reporting being anxious?

Scott Stossel: They’re really high. There was a study a couple, before my volume came out, some years ago that talked about how the average level of nervousnes for a typical high school student now self-rated report on anxiety is the same as it was for inpatient psychiatric patients in the 1950 s. Basically, the average kid today is as anxious and neurotic and miserable as people who are in psychiatric hospitals a couple of generations ago. Then there’s all kinds of other statistics that just show levels of stress, worry, nervousnes, nervousnes disorder diagnosis, are much, much higher in young people pretty much across all Western countries. Particularly, there’s a lot of data about Europe and the United States.

In the US, I suppose, there’s so much data that this is something real. I guess part of it is our definitions of what constitutes a clinical anxiety ailment have expanded and become a little bit more elastic. Probably can be know more about these disorders so people now can identify them partly because you’ve got now medications that have been approved to treat them. You’ve got the marketing imperatives of the narcotic companies. The more broadly you can define an nervousnes ailment, the more people you have that you’re able to prescribe it to.

Partly, this is inflation of a diagnostic category. I think in any society, there’s some complement of people who will be anxious under many circumstances. But I also think that there are a lot of factors about the culture in the society right now that are driving people, and especially young people to be more anxious. At the largest societal level, we’re in a long period really going all the way back to the dawn of the industrial revolution, but accelerating now in the internet age, of simply rapid alter, economic dislocation, all forms of transitions. There’s merely a pace of life because of the internet. The route people select themselves into tribes, set the pressure to create your own personal brand on the internet. There’s just so many countervailing pressures that confound young person about what their identity is.

In centuries past, you were born into your role. Your family had a status in the tribe or in the medieval village you lived in or even in your farm village in the 19 th century America. Now, who are you? You can choose your gender, you can choose your sexual preference, you can choose the groups you affiliate with socially. All this creates a lot of stress. And then the last factor I was just saying, is just there’s been a lot written about this, particular people in the millennial generation and younger, there’s so much helicopter parenting. Your mothers are super involved and driven and trying to make their kids succeed.

But the combination of overprotectiveness and pressure to achieve is really toxic, because on the one hand, these kids feel all this pressure to succeed and do better than their parents and get into good colleges or do whatever. At the same time, the parents are doing things for them that parents of previous generations wouldn’t. It robs them of their impression of freedom and resilience. It’s genuinely an epidemic thing. I’ve talked to a lot of psychiatrists both for the book but then also people I’ve come to know who are now friends who are psychiatrists, who are therapists and they see this as merely an epidemic phenomenon. All those factors combined to create soaring levels of anxiety.

Brett McKay: Let’s talk, you mentioned there’s a cultural component to anxiety. It’s not that anxiety is a culture construct. That it exists, it rooted in biology, but the culture has an influence. For example, the diagnostic of anxiety ailment didn’t exist 35 years ago. I’m older than that, I’m 37. How old am I? 36. I forget how old … At some point you stop counting how old you are.

Scott Stossel: That’s right, because of a defense mechanism.

Brett McKay: Right? But that doesn’t mean that people weren’t anxious. What did we call anxiety say like 2,000 years ago, or 100 years ago or even 50 years ago?

Scott Stossel: Good question. Its been called all different things. Obviously, the emotion that we feel, or the situate of emotional and physical experiences “youve got in” your body when you are feeling what we now call anxiety, humans have experienced since they were humen. What did they call it in[ inaudible] days when they were cavemen? They didn’t have a concept of anxiety, but when they went out of the cave and they were worried about getting eaten by a saber tooth tiger, their own problems would sweat, their hair would stand on end, their stomaches would hurt. That is anxiety.

Even in animals, the fight or flight response is a sort of evolutionary program instinct to help keep species alive. What we call anxiety today emanates from that deeply rooted evolutionary, biological reality. But over the years different cultures have and science has called it all kinds of different things. For many years, the Renaissance, they would group what we now call anxiety and depression together under melancholy. If you suffer from what, you’re worried about things, or you were depressed, your were called melancholy.

Once you get into the 19 th century, in Europe and America, they would call it asthenia. It was meant to simply a set of traits that was a combination of physical things. It could be like dizziness, sweats, gastrointestinal problems and emotional things; phobias, worry, basically could encompass anything because your nervousness, you experience it in your brain, but it has impact throughout your body.

Getting into the Freudian age, Freud became very influential through the 20 th century, particularly into the mid-2 0th century. He talked about what we today call anxiety as neurosis. He had a different hypothesi of what caused it; childhood sex, repressed sexual desire, conflicts with your mothers, the edible complex, which a lot of which has been debunked now. But as a culture idiom, the idea of neuroses became very prominent in the culture. That was through World War II, up until 1980 when the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which is the Bible of the psychiatric profession, they redefined the neurosis as anxiety.

Technically, anxiety disorders didn’t exist when you were born and they didn’t exist when I was a little kid. I’m 49 now. For the first 10 years of my life when I was starting to get taken to psychiatrists, they would say I have childhood neurosis or something like that. It’s now been redefined as anxiety. The labels we put on this do inflect how we think about them and how we treat them. But it is the same underlying define of you and I or if I think of myself, I would be feeling the same set of unpleasant thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, whatever age I was in, and whatever we choose to call it. Just now we classify them as nervousnes disorders.

Brett McKay: Right? The route we describe and the way we talk about it has changed. For example, within the Renaissance, melancholia, yeah, you were considered depressed and anxious. But it was romantic too. It was like, well, you’re simply ponderous, romantic person who’s thinking about big believes. It was a positive spin on it. But then Freud saying, “No, neurosis is bad. We got to solve your neurosis by sitting on a couch and talking to a therapist over and over again until you solve it.”

There’s that swinging backward and forward. Yeah, there’s some good and bad, but then it’s all bad.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. There’s often been, you referenced the Renaissance era, this sense that having melancholy is attached to having an artistic or refined or sophisticated sensibility. It was actually seemed to be a desirable trait. If you were melancholic, it meant you were creative and artistic and must be very smart. Sometimes, there are, and this is contested among actual experts about whether is there a link between mental illness of various kinds, including nervousnes and depression and ingenuity. So many famous writers, for instance, and artists have had very prominent psychiatric ailments or alcoholism or things like that. Is there us-led coalition forces between the things that stimulate you anxious and depressed and the things that give you an artistic sensibility?

Maybe there’s, like I say, different people dispute that. You’re right, that the culture interpreting we put on anxiety alters. One thing in particular, as a man, that this has been changed recently, but there’s a lot of shame associated with is anxiety cowardice? And cowardice is shameful. There’s almost no worse epithet you can swing at a human than being a coward or whatever.

But suppressing this stuff or not treating it can be very dangerous. Instead of going to a therapist, a lot of people turn to alcohol or narcotics and basically try to manage their nervousnes in very unhealthy routes, that can be quite dangerous.

Brett McKay: We’ll get into that a bit more because I’d like to talk about stuff like Navy SEALS and neuro peptide wide and whatever. But talking about the current diagnosis of anxiety, I thought it was interesting, you explore the DSM and how they came up with it. We talked about some other people and we talked about depression. How a lot of this stuff, it’s ad hoc. There was just threw spaghetti at the wall, or sometimes there’s dinners, and they’re like, “Well, here’s the five things that we think that you can use to diagnose anxiety.” It often seems very arbitrary sometimes.

Scott Stossel: It’s often completely arbitrary. I was fascinated when doing research for this book and hearing some of these there is talk. The people who did a previous edition of the DSM, every 10 or 20, 30 years, they reissue a new one. When they introduced all the anxiety disorders for the first time, that was in 1980, with the DSM three, the third edition. Yeah, I would hear from people who are part of the committee that came up with the categories. They’d be sitting around and they would have come up with a definition for panic disorder. But even that was arbitrary. They’d say, “Well, it’s if you have six … ” I’m trying to remember. If you have X number of panic attacks over a period of six months, well, then you have panic disorder. Well, why did they choice six months instead of a year or two months? And why X number of panic attacks instead of why?

The more interesting one was then they were talking about, well, we’ve got all these different kinds of anxieties categorized into discrete disorders. You’ve got phobias, which is fear of specific things, you’ve get social anxiety, which is fear of social situations. We’ve got panic disorder, which is panic attacks. We’ve got OCD, which is obsessive compulsive ailment. They’re at this dinner, they’re like, well, what about our colleague Joe? He’s just generally anxious. They’re like, oh, well, let’s come up with something called generalized anxiety disorder.

They was also expressed that into the third edition of the DSM. Then once it exists as a real category, then researchers and drug companies start to treat it as a real thing. And they do analyzes based on the sets of symptoms that you’re supposed to have, to be characterized with that cancer. It starts to become certified into you’re testing for a thing that you made up in the first place.

Again , not that the underlying suffering is not real and not there, but is generalized anxiety disorder truly its own separate ailment, or is it, as some people now think, merely a subset of depression, or depression with anxiety, or people who are depressed often worry a lot and get sucked up into their head? Well, that’s what people with generalized anxiety disorder do. They simply worry continuously and spin in circles in their head.

Being very anxious can be depressing. No wonder that nervousnes and depression are so often co-occur in people. And then many people with depression experience nervousnes. It’s unclear how these things actually … In the DSM, they’re very neatly cleaved from one another. This disorder is distinct from that disorder. A lot of people are now starting to think maybe, especially as they start to look at the neuroscience of this, which is still in early stages, but perhaps this is all variants of the same thing. I imagine, 100 years from now, when scientists look back, they may think that our categorizations of these things are pretty crude, but they’re very good we have right now.

Brett McKay: It’s like when we think about how people talk about[ inaudible] that was various kinds of silly.

Scott Stossel: Or hysteria. Hysteria was particularly for women. But there was some … What was that? Was that a culture phenomenon? Was it a medical phenomenon? It was both, and these things always intersect. That’s always interesting to me, when you have a real biological thing that gets interpreted culturally, that’s fascinating and really does alteration how we treat and think about people who have these disorders.

Brett McKay: I imagine that it can cause a lot of confusion and annoyance for people struggling with it. They’re going to help and they’re getting inconsistent diagnosis from different … One therapist is like, well, you have this, but not this to this. It’s like, well, what am I? What am I supposed to be doing with what I … How much to go after what I have?

Scott Stossel: Yeah, when my book came out, I had a lot of people say that or versions of that, that they struggled a lot. But in general, I would say, most therapists, there’s a lot of agreement, and it may change, but there are certain things that there’s emerging data about what works for all these things, or many of these things. For instance, there’s a sort of therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy, which is basically a combination of helping people to change their guess to build them less maladaptive. Break the cycle of negative thinking and reality test a better route. People are worried about things who have generalized anxiety disorder, they always ensure the worst case scenario. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you restructure your way of thinking so you can see things in a more realistic way. And then help you change your behavior and uncovering yourself to the things, if you have anxiety, uncovering yourself to the things you’re afraid to decondition you from the fear.

There’s a lot of evidence over now, more than a decade, that that kind of therapy can work for all kinds of anxiety disorder, from obsessive compulsive disorder, for depression. There are things that work. There are certain medications. Medication, when we talk about that, that’s all complex to where my sense is, your drugs can work, but there is a great mystery about how they run, when they work, who they work for, what the downsides are. But there are some studies and a lot of evidence to suggest that for some people, certain medications can help them with their anxiety and depression.

Even though we’re still groping around for proper definitions and everything is categories and are messy. There are things that are generally believed to work.

Brett McKay: We’ll talk about medications, that’s interesting as well. Again, it’s like how we define and diagnose anxiety. A plenty of the drug developed were very ad hoc, and we’ll talk about it, because it’s really interesting as well. But let’s talk about, what causes anxiety? Because some people will look at it, “Well, it’s like a choice. You can only snap out of it. Get yourself together.” But there’s also evidence that says no, there’s a genetic component to it.” What’s going on? What causes anxiety?

Scott Stossel: There are multiple causes. But there’s tons of proof, there’s a strong genetic component. Only about everybody has some adaptive predisposition to experience, have a fight or flight response to have a fear response. But there are some people, who because of their genes, are born with what psychologists call it, temperament that is more highly reactive.

It’s literally, that their DNA and codes for a physiology that is more high reactive. Those people … You can see it in newborns. You can often tell the ones that are going to grow up to have anxiety ailments because they have more exaggerated, what’s called startle responses. If you make a loud noise or flashing a light at them, you can see their heart rate increases more, or they sweat more, they have electric conductance in their skin is greater. It literally is, it’s something that you can’t control it, it’s profoundly, profoundly wired in and scientists are starting to look at the various clusters of genes that lead to that.

Some people are just born with a ready predisposition to be anxious. But then on top of that, there’s the environmental factor. There’s also tons of evidence that, and this is where Freud was wrong, early childhood experiences have a profound impact on your psychology and your mental resilience, psychological resilience for the rest of your life.

So, people, kids, and adults who are exposed to trauma, it changes your brain chemistry and even your brain structure in such a way that this is what PTSD is. You’re now much more prone to anxiety and depression, panic attack. It’s a gene environment interaction. There are some people who are born with such an anxious predisposition that even small stressors are going to send them into spiraling nervousnes or depression and stimulate them develop a disorder. There are other people who are going to be much more resistant to it, but even those people, most of them, or many of them anyway, if exposed to enough trauma; war or something horrific in childhood will develop the elements of an anxiety disorder.

Then overlaid on top of that, as we were talking about earlier, there are the cultural and social level stuff, are there certain cultures or periods of history that are more anxiety make than others? I guess the evidence suggests that there are. But I suppose the strongest contributor by far is your jeans. Some people only have the calamity to be born highly anxious, and some people who are born more serene. But as with all human traits, then surrounding plays a role too.

Brett McKay: Yeah, well, you talked about even your own family anxiety seems to run in your family.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. When I was both in my therapy, but as I was researching the book, I was trying to figure out, well, what is the source of my own nervousnes? My mom, super high warrior, had a lot of phobias, which I got from her, that I get them from her by watching her because I learned them from her from environmental or is it genetically encoded. Then her parents both had worrying personality traits. Her grandfather, my great grandpa, had fought awfully with what they then called anxiety neurosis. Was institutionalized in psychiatric hospitals many times.

Again, he had a very successful career. Was a smart, accomplished guy, but that would just get wholly incapacitated by his anxiety, would have to go to the mental hospital and get electroshock therapy to get his brain reset. I’ve got other relatives who struggle with this. Studies show that once you have some number of anxious people in a family, you’ll find many many more. Is that transmitted by environment? Did I learn it from my mom, from watching my mama, from watching my grandparents? Maybe, or was it transmitted through my genes? Well, probably that too and you can never totally disentangle them.

Brett McKay: Well, you’re going back to that notion that you brought up that for men anxiety can be like a slap in the face because if you have it, you’re a coward. But we were talking about Navy SEALs. Some people are born with a predisposition to be very anxious, but some are born like they’re just water off a duck’s back. Navy SEALS, they’ve done research on them where they found they actually have a genetic predisposition to be hyper resilient, even in super stressful situations.

Scott Stossel: Exactly. I was fascinated by that analyse. Navy SEALs are a really interesting study because they’re such extreme human specimen. To get to the point where you get through Navy SEAL training, it’s like you must be incredibly physically fit. Then they put you through these physical adversities, like sleep deprivation and incredible hardship.

The physical component is hard enough, but these guys, they’re able to withstand almost a form of torture, that would cause me or many other people to only break down. There’s a guy at Yale who was studying, what is it that stimulates these guys so resilient. He would take, I think it was from their blood samples, measuring different neurotransmitters in their brain. He found that the Navy SEALs who succeeded in do the Navy SEAL training, had unusually high levels of something called neuro peptide Y. Basically, if you have a high level of … They could actually predict in advance to try to determine cause and effect. Finishing the course gives you a boost of confidence or something that causes your neuro peptide Y to rise or do you have a natural baseline level of it?

When they looked at these people in advance, they could nearly predict how they would do on the test by their levels of neuro peptide Y in advance. And there are other studies that show that neuro peptide Y, your levels of that are genetically ascertained, or at the least partly genetically ascertained. Which to me is powerful evidence that your level of psychological resilience is conferred by your genes, which allows you to produce this neurotransmitter that builds you unusually psychologically resilient. But what psychologists are now truly interested in studying and in the military too is, how can you cultivate this in non-genetic routes? Many of us would benefit from being more resilient?

There things that we can do through therapy or through life experiences that boost our levels of neuro peptide Y, or that create the psychological structures in our head that are associated with neuro peptide Y and that induce us resilient and resistant to anxiety, traumatic stress, that kind of thing. It’s truly promising region of research. It’s basically focusing on the people who are the least anxious and figure out, how can we use what they have going for them both in terms of how they think and what’s in their brain to treat people who are particularly non-resilient or highly anxious?

Brett McKay: Well, let’s talk about the history of treating anxiety. You mentioned earlier, right now, there’s a lot of promising research, and studies have shown that cognitive behavior therapy can help mitigate or help people manage their anxiety. But besides that, what are some of the other routes as far as therapy goes, and we’ve used to try to treat anxiety disorders?

Scott Stossel: Well, so these days, there’s cognitive behavioral therapy. There’s more traditional talk therapy. CBT is a form of talk therapy. Bu[ inaudible] when “youre thinking about” from the movies, which is just talking to a psychiatrist, or psychologist or a social worker, or a therapist or some other kind of psychodynamic therapy that’s called. There’s a lot of evidence that simply, talking to someone who listens sympathetically to your problems, has some training, both helping you solve basic life challenges, but also helping you resolve childhood issues. There’s some evidence that that works.

Then there’s medication. Going back, really millennia, if you read the ancient Greeks or even Hippocrates, the most original, most famous doctor in history, talks about how wine can treat nervousnes. For years people have been using alcohol and opium and things like that to medicate anxiety.

Just going back 100 and some years, there have been waves of different things that have been used to treat particular anxiety and then anxiety and depression. Way back at the turn of the 20 th century, you had barbiturates and other sedatives that were used to treat anxiety. Then around mid-century, you had the sunrise of what are called the benzodiazepines. That’s valium and librium and these days you have Klonopin, Xanax,[ inaudible] even Ambien that work on your define of neuro transmitters in your brain called GABA that basically soothes your brain down. That can be very effective in treating anxiety, but very dangerous too in terms of it’s addictive potential and the tendency to sort habit and dependency.

For depression, there have been different waves of drugs. There was the wave of what they called the tricyclic antidepressants. Tricyclic describes the structure of the molecule. These were things like[ inaudible 00:30: 18 ]. Then in the ’8 0s, you had the first, what’s called the SSRI, Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors. The first one and most famous one is Prozac. But these days you got Prozac and Paxil, and Zoloft and[ inaudible] and Lexapro and a whole bunch of others in that category, and related ones too that affect, serotonin and norepinephrine.

Basically, all these drugs work on different sets of neuro transmitters to augment their levels in the brain in ways that we still don’t fully understand how they run, but seemed to have some efficacy in reducing anxiety and reducing depression. I’ve taken a lot of these drugs myself, and some of them seem to work and some of them don’t. Some of them have terrible side effects.

The depressing thing about a lot of this is that, a lot of these doesn’t work. It takes a lot of trial and error. Therapy can be effective, and I would encourage anyone who’s suffering with these things to seek out treatment, because it can be a lifesaver. But it can sometimes takes a few tries to find a therapist that you like, or medication that works. If you look at the long term evidence, genuinely, it’s like a third to a half or something of any treatment works. It’s not always clear why the thing that’s working is working.

That’s why CBT has the best evidence in its favor, and it also has in its favor, since it’s not a drug, it’s not addictive, it’s not dependency forming, and ideally, you can learn the skills from CBT and take them with you through your life, maintain practicing them unlike if you’re on a drug and it runs, what happens if you go off the narcotic? Sometimes you can have withdrawal issues.

Brett McKay: I think you brought up an interesting point that anxiety sounds like it’s something that you’re never going to be cured of it. You’re always going to have to simply manage it for most of your life.

Scott Stossel: I would love to be able to be cured of it. Some of the time with 10% of my brain hope to achieve like complete composure. Not that there won’t be things that scare me or that I worry about legitimately, but it’s not something that besets me. I suppose, some people they get really … The one thing I didn’t mention is mindfulness practice. These days, there’s tons of evidence that various meditation skills and practices and other forms of mindfulness genuinely can help confer the kind of resiliency and soothe that say neuro peptide Y does in these Navy SEALs.

In my therapy, I’ve tried a combination of CBT with trying to do meditation stuff. I think it is, and you’re not cured, you’re always going to have your underlying genetics. If you’re a high reactive person, someone who’s prone to be nervous about things, that’s probably always going to be the case. But you can reduce the amount of it, and as “youre telling”, you can learn to manage it with different sets of abilities for whatever kind of therapy you’re utilizing, or to manage it with medication or to adjust your lifestyle.

Sometimes, if you’re anxious or depressed, that’s your body and your brain telling you something’s not right in your life and you need to build some alters, and sometimes having a better lifestyle. All this obvious cliched stuff that people tell you is true. It’s really important to get sleep. For me, if I’m under sleep, my nervousnes goes through the roof. It’s for me also, and tons of studies support this, regular workout. These are basic things that don’t expensed anything, you don’t need insurance for. But in modern life, it’s sometimes hard to work out regularly, it’s hard to get a good night’s sleep when you’ve got deadlines.

All these things, if you do them all, you can actually minimize the effect that nervousnes has on your life. There’s always “re going to be”, for me, there’s things that erupt that cause my nervousnes to spike. But when I’m doing well, I can both have those spikes be fewer and farther between and also when they happen, manage them better and not have them abruptly spiraling off the railway or over medicating myself. It’s a long winded route of saying yes. If one can learn to manage them and if you could do that, then you can live a fairly fulfilling and rewarding life that’s not the constant sadnes that anxiety can sometimes be.

Brett McKay: Right. I think that’s hopeful. Because there’s a strong genetic component to nervousnes. People who have that problem and they’re listening is like well, crap, I’m hosed. That could be the approach or it could be like well, okay this is the thing, I got to work with it. It’s not great, but I can manage. There’s things I can do.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. I’ve ever talked to my therapist when I was learning about my great grandfather and all the terrible difficulties that he had had, and then multiple hospitalizations. I was thinking, God, he reminds me so much of myself, and I have his genes, and I’m doomed to this. My therapist was like, “First of all, he’s your great grandpa. You have a tiny fraction of his genes. And second of all, there’s medications that we have now that he didn’t have access to that can help you. There’s simply lots of stuff that you can do. Yes, genetics is powerful, but you’re not doomed to your genetic fate. We can learn to cultivate resilience.”

A lot of the therapies that are effective, like I say, behavioral therapy just in general, facing your anxieties. It’s easy for me to say this, and sometimes hard for me to do. But if you have specific phobiums, like anxiety of flying or anxiety of public speaking, the more you do it, the easier it gets. That’s a simple lesson, but it’s true. For me, sometimes those things can be so anxiety produce that I can’t do them, and then I feel like it’s a setback and my nervousnes gets worse. But what my therapist is always telling me, is get up, persist, do it again, and you will get better.

Brett McKay: Right, exposure therapy, I think that-

Scott Stossel: Exposure therapy, exactly. If you have a fear of heights, they’ll take you up on higher and higher houses. Sometimes these therapies sound kind of extreme. If you have severe claustrophobia, there’s actually therapists who will put you in a coffin. You have horrible nervousnes but then you just wait it out and you realize I didn’t die. I’m okay, I can manage it. It was just a really unpleasant emotion.

For people with flying phobia, there are pilots who will take you up. A plenty of airports have programs where you can go and get strolled around the plane by a pilot, explains how the whole thing works, and basically little by little, expose yourself, sit in the plane and then go on a short plane ride. Eventually, hopefully you can be flying to Europe without being completely miserable, as I’ve sometimes been on international flights.

Brett McKay: I think that’s an important point for parents who might have infants who are hyper sensitive or super anxious. Oftentimes, when you’re a mother, you’re like, “Well, I simply don’t want my child to freak out. So, I’ll only avoid the thing that causes them lots of anxiety gets them worked up. Rather, the better approach might be well, just slowly introduce that thing over and over again so they don’t get scared and they’re not scared or it doesn’t worry them anymore.

Scott Stossel: That’s absolutely right. I think that’s really important. What I’m about to say may sound paradoxical, but it’s not. If you think that there’s all kinds of evidence that suggest that if you think your kid might be developing unusual level of nervousnes, it could be a clinical level of nervousnes. The proof says, the earlier you can get help and get them therapy, the better outcome they’ll have, the less likely they’ll be to suffer anxiety ailments as an adult.

Early interventions to keep, but early intervention doesn’t mean sparing them from nervousnes. What virtually any therapist today would tell you is actually, and this is the antidote to helicopter parenting, don’t try to do everything for your kids. Don’t try to spare them the unpleasant experience or the thing that’s stimulating them nervous in particular, if it’s being anxious about going to school. I know how hard that is, both having been a very anxious child and now being a parent who has anxious children, it’s incredibly painful and hard to watch your child suffering and feeling nervous. Everything in my body wants to be, I only want to take him out of that situation so he’s not nervous.

But every therapist I’ve ever seen says, “No , no, you have to let them, within reason, experience the anxiety and learn that they can overcome it and that’s how they develop resilience. Don’t do it for them. That’s how you’ll helicopter your parent, your kid into being a helpless, neurotic 22 year old who can’t construct his own dinner.

Brett McKay: Right. What’s the nation of your nervousnes today? You’ve said you’re do cognitive behavioral therapy, some mindfulness meditation. Are you taking medication?

Scott Stossel: I am. I’m still real bad at the mindfulness. I think it’s one of these catch 22 s that the people who benefit from mindfulness and yoga and that kind of thing, meditation the most are the ones who are worst at it, because my thoughts are always racing, I have a hard time sitting still. But I’m trying that, doing CBT with a really good therapist, and that’s helped doing exposure therapy, which is really unpleasant. But I suppose does help, and then yeah, I am currently on Lexapro, which is one of these SSRI medications.

Then I take a medication called gabapentin, which was originally an anti-seizure medication, and a drug for pain, but has shown some effectiveness in treating anxiety. And then, I used to take a lot of benzodiazepines. I’ve now tried not to. They work incredibly well for me. For me, that was always my magic bullet. I knew I could always survive if could have access to enough Xanax.

The problem is it ran a little too well. The peril is, I started to become too dependent on it. The more of it you take, the more you need to take in order to get the same effect, and it can be very dangerous. People become dependent on it. I’m trying not to use that now. It was pretty widely prescribed by both psychiatrists and just-

Brett McKay: Just family doctors.

Scott Stossel: Just family doctors because it is so effective. But there’s also a pretty big school of thought out there that’s like, they truly shouldn’t be prescribing it so widely because it can be, in certain people, very addictive and dependency forming.

Brett McKay: I imagine, in all you’re doing things like getting enough sleep, exercising, managing stress, reducing that when you can, et cetera.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. I don’t know why, but for me, getting regular exert it’s like night and day. My wife can even tell if at the end of the day I’m on the phone, she’ll be like, “Why don’t you go work out.” I’m like, “Why? ” She’s like, “I can just tell in your voice that you haven’t.” It’s like my personality changes somehow. You don’t always feel like working out, there are some people who simply don’t exercise at all. But for me, forcing myself to work out even when I don’t keep feeling it, is just so good for my state of mind and good for my physical health as well. That’s true for just about everyone.

Brett McKay: Right. I imagine, that there’s someone’s listening to this podcast, they’re struggling with anxiety, best advice, go get help, go talk to somebody. There’s things you can do to help manage it. You have a flourishing productive life. Like yourself, like you said, you’ve fought with this your entire life, but you have a good career, and you’re doing a lot of great things.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. There are a lot of ways you can get help. I’m forgetting what it stands for. But NAMI, is like the National Alliance of Mental Health Initiative, or something like that, can help you find even if you don’t have insurance, can help you find access to individual therapy or group therapy or only resources in your region. If you have anxiety in particular, there’s individual organizations , nonprofit organization called the Anxiety and Depression Association of American, the ADAA. If you go on their website, they have a list of therapists in your area.

You can always just go to your primary care physician and they can help refer you. Any city that has a university will often have an anxiety disorder clinic. There’s lots of help available out there.

Brett McKay: Scott, is there some place people go to learn more about your work?

Scott Stossel: You can go to my website. I’m embarrassed, I’m blanking on now with-

Brett McKay: Is it scottstossel.com?

Scott Stossel: It’s scottstossel.com. Yes, thank you. I never go to it.

Brett McKay: Right. Well, hey, Scott, this has been a great conversation. Thanks so much for your time.

Scott Stossel: Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.

Brett McKay: My guess today was Scott Stossel. He’s the author of the book, My Age of Anxiety. It’s available on amazon.com and bookstores everywhere. You can also check at our depict notes at aom.is/ ageofanxiety. Where you can find links to resources, where you can delve deeper into this topic.

Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM Podcast. Check out our website at artofmanliness.com, where you can see our podcast archives. We’re coming up on 500 episodes here pretty soon. You should insure them all there. While you’re there, check at our articles we’ve written, got a couple of thousand there just about anything; depression, how to manage that. Personal finances, how to be a better husband, better parent. Check it out, and if you haven’t done so already, please give us a review on iTunes or Stitcher. Just takes one minute, it helps us out a lot. If you’ve done that already, please consider sharing this indicate with a friend or family member you think would get something out of it.

As always thank you for the continued support. Until next time, this is Brett McKay reminding you not only to listen to the AOM Podcast, but set what you’ve hear into action.

The post Podcast # 497: The Meaning, Manifestations, and Treatments for Anxiety seemed first on The Art of Manliness.