#ik i said this in my bio but wanna stress

[zymple]

w. what

[tobesensation-9]

Earlier, I was cramming for bio and could just imagine how much Youngbin and Inseong would nag me for leaving it to the last minute, with Taeyang making some coffee and Chanhee out like a light, asleep the minute he opened the textbook because we had a physics exam last week. How do you think cramming/pulling an all-nighter with each member of SF9 as your study buddy would be like - individually - can you lease make this light a scenario for each member? ik ur busy, k ily bye.

😂😂

Why do I see that too. Especially Chanhee 😂. And I love the requests you guys send, it gives me an escape from my hectic college and work life. (This also late but I thought it was timely with my finals around the corner 💀)

Youngbin

“You have to make sure your careful about this stuff.” He’d come over to you at the table where you sat, handing you some healthy snacks to help you stay focused.

“Yeah I know. I had a lot on my plate.”

He takes his hand and reaches across your shoulder and caresses it.

“Don’t stress yourself too much. But make sure you get enough studying in okay?”

Inseong

You’d ask him to help you study for the test and he’d oblige. Only to find out that you were cramming. He’d be peeved from you not telling him about cramming on such short notice.

“How-“

“I can explain.”

“How do you expect me to help you study when the test is tomorrow?”

“I’m sorry h should’ve told you that.”

“Okay, it’s a good thing I’m good at this I think you’ll be alright.”

Jaeyoon

He tries to comfort you as he sees you trying to cram for your test. He feels helpless wishing he could do more to help you.

He approaches you at the table and hovers hoping you’d notice him and ask him to help you with something.

“Jaeyoon?”

“Hmm?” He looks down at you realizing he was noticed.

“Do you wanna help me with something?”

“Yeah...I mean I can if you want me to.”

“I need a hug, I’m stressing out.” You turn around in your chair and hug him. He smiles and caresses your back seeing how stressed you were. “You got it, don’t stress out,” he says.

Dawon (Sanghyuk)

Why do I see him trying to help you with the subject as he knew what he was doing 💀. Not saying Dawon isn’t smart. But he’d read certain concepts as if he knew but in actuality knew nothing about them 💀.

“Oh biology? I nailed that back in school this is nothing.” He closes the book and puts its down as if he’s ready to school you on something.

“Okay?” You look at him confused. Him being confident scared you more than excite you.

“I let’s go over the concepts”

“Do you not know wh

You look at the flash cards and

Zuho (Juho)

So get ready to try to calm this guy down. Although it’s YOUR test, he panics at not being able to help you. Think of “Taeyang-shii” energy but x10 with him yelling your name instead.

“Y/n!!”

“What? Why are you yelling at me?!”

“What happened to preparing for your tests by giving yourself enough time to study?”

“I’m cramming bc I forgot. I don’t like cramming but that’s what I have to do. Are you gonna help me or not?”

“I’ll try my best 🥲🥺. But I may not be of any help I’m such short notice.”

Rowoon (Seokwoo)

When I say he would annoy you so much 😂. Yes Youngbin and Inseong wound nag, but that wouldn’t be nagging compared to this guy.

“So how long did you know about this?”

“A while. But I got sidetracked from all of my other classes so I forgot.”

“Ah. So you were being careless.”

“Where are you getting this from? I wasn’t careless it just slipped my mind.”

“Get a planner. Put it in your calendar. Make a reminder.”

“I did. That’s why I’m cramming now.”

He’d make you some food and a drink as if he didn’t just annoy you and try to help you study. From the good food he made you, you almost forgot about him being a jackass prior. Almost. He’d run your head or back and caress it as his way of cheering you on in your studies.

Taeyang

Yes like you said I see Taeyang just not being in your way and making you or getting you coffee. He would try to help you any way he could, without distracting you.

It would be 12 am when he saw you yawning and stretching backing away from your textbook and notebook. You’d get to stretch too and yawn three more times before you noticed him looking at you with a small smile.

“What?”

“You yawned like four times in the last 30 seconds.”

“I did?” You’d sheepishly scratch your hair while he got up and left the small private study room you guys were in. He’d come back a few minutes with your coffee made just the way you like it.

Hwiyoung (Youngkyun)

No but why do I see him having to cram for a test with you 😅😂.

You’d text him telling him to meet you at your favorite study spot so he can help you cram for a test. Then he’d text you back saying he was gonna text you asking the same thing 😂.

“Which lessons did we have to know for chapter 3?”

“I don���t think he went over chapter 3.”

“What? We didn’t?”

“Yeah we’re only getting tested on chapters 1, 2 & 4.”

“Where have I been?”

Chani (Chanhee)

Oh he’d be out for sure 😂. That or he’d be confused like Hwiyoung but x10. Like he wouldn’t even know what the test was on, let alone have some idea of what to go over (like Hwiyoung). But he’d still end up finessing the test and passing without trying (without cheating) 💀.

“Chanhee c’mon the test is at noon tomorrow.”

“No I thought it was next Tuesday.”

“Yeah, professor said that last week.”

“I don’t remember that are you sure?”

[sckyie]

word count: 1.2k

genre + warnings: fluff, tinge of angst; post argument, timeskip!kageyama, comfort

pronouns used: they/them (implied)

a/n: hi ik i havent posted in five ever but hi

You and Kageyama had been dating for quite a while now. He had confessed in your second year in high school on Valentine's day. Since then, you two had grown more and more as a couple. You became his biggest supporter and he became yours.

Up until more recently, the two of you had your ups and downs in your relationship. Two nights ago, just before he left for an away match, the two of you had argued about time. You had wanted more time with him while he thought he was giving you more than enough.

After the argument, he had slammed the door, leaving for his match in another county. You cried your eyes out onto your pillow, knowing the last few words to him were harsh. You sat up and looked out the window, staring at the empty parking space where Kageyama's car would normally be.

"What day is it?" You muttered. "Sunday...He should be home..."

You wiped away your tears opening your laptop. You turned on a show to watch, cuddling your pillow, trying to fall asleep. Assuming Kageyama had gone back to his apartment, you slowly drifted to sleep, letting your show play on.

Kageyama laid in his own bed, staring at the ceiling. Even though you two didn't live together, he felt off in an empty bed. He wasn't one to admit he missed you. He sat up, looking around his room. His eyes landed on his desk and he notices something peeking out on his chair.

He leaves his covers and walks over to see the object. It was a teddy bear, more specifically the one he gave you when he confessed. "What is this doing here?" He thought. He caressed the bear's fur, thinking back at the time he confessed.

It was cold that day. You had forgotten your jacket the day and continued to shiver all of class. You put your chin on the cold desk as your friends were receiving chocolates and roses. You let a sigh as you felt someone tap your shoulder. "Hm?" You sat up, looking behind you.

"Hey, Kageyama wants to see you outside," Hinata says. You furrowed your brows at him before getting up. You dragged your feet as you arrived outside by the gym.

Kageyama looked at the ground, his hands behind his back, waiting patiently. The cool breeze hit your arms, making you audibly shiver. He looked up to see you. "Hey," You smiled.

"Hi," Kageyama seemed nervous.

"What's up Kags?" You asked, approaching him.

"I-- Uhm, I wanted to--" He stuttered. "How do I-- I don't--"

"Are you okay?" You tilt your head at him.

"I- I- I like you! Please accept my confession!" He rushed, showing the bear from behind his back.

You were taken back by his sudden confession and you giggled at his expression. You take a step closer to him, taking the bear from his hands.

The two of you were classmates back in middle school but only got closer in your first year. You would go to his games to bring him snacks afterwards and help him study for class. He admired your personality and how kind you've been to him. You were the first person he truly felt romantic feelings for.

"I like you too Kags," You gleamed, petting the top of the bear's head. Kageyama's head shot up to look at you, sparkles in his eyes.

"Really?" He asked. You nodded, holding the bear to your chest. Another gust of wind hits your skin, making goosebumps appear on your arms. Kageyama approaches you, taking off his uniform coat and drapes it around you. "You should've brought a jacket, dumbass."

"You can have your bear back," You joked.

"I'm kidding," He smiled. "I promise to take good care of you, okay?"

"I think I wanna name him Toto," You showed him. He tilts his head, not understanding the reference. "Like, To- bio, Toto-- You'll get it later, let's go inside."

Kageyama smiles down at the bear as the memory of his confession always makes him feel better. It hits him that he left you alone for three days and that you'd been sleeping alone. He couldn't bear the thought of leaving you hurt.

You were sleeping uncomfortably in your cold bed when you heard a knock on your front door. You sleepily walked to the door standing inches away from it.

"Y/n?" You heard. "I'm sorry for what I said to you...I didn't mean it when I said those mean things."

"You left me alone," You responded through the door. "You didn't even call me when you got back like you always did."

"I know- I'm sorry. Please let me in?" Kageyama called out. A moment of silence hit before he spoke again. "Toto and I are freezing out here."

"Toto..?" You opened the door to see your boyfriend holding your stuffed bear in his arms close to his chest. You cracked a small smile at him before looking at Kageyama.

"Look, he's been alone all weekend too," He points at the bear. "Do you think you could make it up to him?"

You take the bear from him, kissing its forehead and snuggling it close to you. Kageyama's eyes drooped a tad looking at your puffy eyes and red nose.

"Baby?" He says. You looked up at him, noticing the guilt written on his face. "Can I make it up to you?"

You paused before nodding, you held out your hand to him. He takes your hand as you guided him back to your room. Kageyama took notice of your sleepwear being his old Schweiden jersey. Your bed was messy after your minor breakdown.

His hoodie scrunched by your pillows, your laptop where he usually slept, and some of the stuffies he bought you were scattered at the foot of the bed. Wordlessly, Kageyama helps you clean up the bed before crawling under the covers with you.

You held Toto in between the two of you as you both admired one another. "I'm sorry for yelling," Kageyama says, running his thumb against your cheek. "I didn't mean to...I was just frustrated and stressed with the upcoming game."

"I know,  I saw you won," You say softly. "I'm sorry for bugging you. I know volleyball is your career and I'm probably weighing you down and I-"

"You're not weighing me down, if anything you're the one thing that helps me in my games. You support me regardless if you're mad at me," He interrupts. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't make you a priority when I should've. You're my everything and I fucked up...I love you..."

"I love you too," You say. You scooted closer to him, placing your lips on his. Kageyama relaxed feeling you kiss him after being deprived affection. After pulling away, Kageyama chuckled against your lips.

"You're smothering Toto," He pointed out the bear squished between your bodies.

"Oh," You laughed. "Sorry Toto, I wanna cuddle my boyfriend first." You sat up, placing the stuffed animal beside the others at the foot of the bed.

You laid back into his arms, nuzzling your nose into his chest. He rubs circles on your back as you both settled in each others warmth. That familiar feeling of being with each other led you both drift off to sleep, your hearts full of love once more.

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @just-a-siiimp @d0llpie @elianetsantana

[hiimsociallyawkward]

the wicked day

hey guys. i'm back with my random and annoying merlin thoughts. i should be studying for my bio quiz, but yk- i don't want to :,) love you @lady-ofmagic-andstars✨enjoy✨

literally every time i'm going watching i'm going to comment on john hurt that says young man instead of young boy

it's so subtle but wow. thanks i didn't need to be hurt so early on in the episode

i know i know i'm basically a child but this is so exciting

merlin is so cute

aw no not arthur being pouty abt his big birthday

I LOVE THE 'i heard that' thing so much. i love it i love it

off topic, but i love knife throwing. i've always thought that if i had to choose a weapon that's not a gun, i'd choose knifes. swords? maces? crossbows? sure. but knives?? that's where it's really at

i love arthur not wanting to overburden their citizens

ok uther? i hate him

but here? i love him

he's a good dad here. remembering arthur's birthday? that's so sweet. uther in season 4 is the only time i semi like him

AW ARTHUR AND UTHER AT DINNER

i love them

off topic but i like that arthur is wearing his 'every day' clothes, jacket and a tunic under his cape. that's it. the knights are all wearing his garb but arthur is just wearing his 'regular clothes'

hehe gwen being nervous about arthur being on the wheel is so sweet

idk why but i always get nervous at that last knife.

like of COURSe i know he's not going to get hit but it's scary.

the 'not wearing any trousers' thing omg. bbc really decided to do that

i wish we had more of this parental dynamic of arthur and uther

dam alright arthur. being out of it but still being in it enough to see the guy in the reflection? i stan

SKLFJASLDFJA uther fighting to protect arthur

literally me through his whole scene going 'oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez' on repeat.

so off topic but i kind of like the hairstyle they have for most of the guys in this show?? idk is that weird

oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez uther dying

like, i HATe him. i've been waiting for this since season 1 but this scene makes me sad

ok i don't remember the last episode of merlin so i forget what arthur says when he's dying in merlin's arms??

it's something like 'hold me' right? i feel like that has the same energy as 'stay with me' so while i can't exactly say this is sort of parallel, it's sort of parallel?

i mean, ok 1. dying in someone else's arms. 2. dying in the arms of someone you love? romantically, platonically, familial? doesn't matter. both uther and arthur died in the arms of someone they loved. 3. i'm just gonna say 'hold me' and 'stay with me' have the SAME energy, so if no one has called semi-parallels, i'm calling semi-parallels

bradley's single tear

stfu agarvaine. i'm serious. legit everytime he shows up i wanna pow pow pow him

legit. agaravaine needs to get away from morgana.

DO NOT GRAB HER ARM MISTER. LET GO OF HER

I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER. LET GO OF HER RN

i've said it once and i'll say it again, i love gwen

not to romanticize death or anything but i like candle light vigils.

ok maybe slightly symbolic but probably not? ok actually i think it is, not to toot my own horn but this is also just really straightforward too.

arthur wearing 'street garb' and his 'knight stuff' sort of differentiates between 'arthur' and 'prince arthur'. the scene where merlin and arthur are looking over the vigil and merlin's talking about how there's nothing that can be done, and arthur mentions using magic, i may be off about this but i feel like he's speaking more from prince arthur rather than arthur, uther is my father.

like of course arthur's hurting, everyone knows he's hurting. but idk. i feel like he feels like he's not ready to be king. he needs more time, and he can't be king yet. so therefore, prince arthur is talking about needing to save their king.

gaius and merlin are both right here. idk what else to say.

wow merlin 'you can't stop me' love that

jeez 'maybe this is my chance to change that' little do you know what's happening soon merlin.

oh shoot.

arthur asking merlin if he would use magic to save his father? i'm just thinking back to merlin crying, but not crying over balinor because he couldn't tell arthur, and merlin having to mourn his father in secret. vs. arthur, asking merlin for advice. sharing all his worries and insecurities with gwen. begging gaius to do something more for his father. this just makes me so sad

arthur TRUSTING merlin. with everything. taking merlin's opinion on things and aw

this is dumb but tbh i really like merlin's outfit. like tbh i think i dress in the same sort of style, just ✨modern✨ sadly, no neckerchief for me but i do have a necklace that says 'heather' despite my name being 'ashley'. ily conan gray

ugh. arthur calling merlin a coward but also calling him brave?? you need to pick a side arthur

LMAO ARTHUR STOP THINKING ABOUT WATCHING MERLIN PEE

bruh arthur breaking the vase. it's so dumb but merlin referring to the vase over and over actually makes me chuckle

ok merlin going 'you have come to kill me?' reminds me of another show but i can't remember but i thought i'd put it out here anyways

oh shoot i just realized/remember that uther got stabbed on arthur's birthday. hell of a gift am i right 😭

hehe arthur 'sweeping' with the broom. silly goose

dragoon sounds so vulnerable asking for the right to use magic freely

i love you arthur. this scene, i'm like YES. arthur i love him

i love the saying 'my word'. like, i don't want people to promise me anything anymore. i want them to give me their word.

HAHA THIS IS SO DUMB. MERLIN SAYING 'QUESTIONS. SO MANY QUESTIONS'. I LITERALLY SAY IT WITH THE SHOW EVERY TIME. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

aw arthur just sitting there with the cup and trying not to break it HAHA he's so sweet. slightly scared after that vase yk what i mean

ok i don't like morgana and everything but that necklace? that's a stroke of genius. yes girl. make up the plan as you go along

frick you agarvaine. do not scare gwen you PERV

jeez agarvainewas SO rude putting that necklace onto uther. like yes, ik you don't like him but STILL. that's just rude

i'm going to start calling people toads now

hehe arthur closing his door and merlin being right there. it's not necessarily a trope but it totally is and i love it

ah yes. merlin and the tavern. i feel like it's been referred to before but it's still funny.

ok ik arthur carrying merlin is there for kicks for the kids but i laughed anyways

apparently i have the humor of a 10 year old

this is really dumb but the scene with arthur and the two guards. i'm just thinking 'how tall are these guards'. ofc ik that the staging/perception could be doing something that might be making arthur look shorter, but my first reaction was 'bradley is 6' just how tall are these guards??'

merlin's speech about magic makes me sad

aw 'i hope, one day, that you'll see me in a different light'

dragoon has the same effect on arthur as merlin does

uther waking up 😭

AW. UTHER'S LITTLE SIGH AND THEN 'ARTHUR' BREAK MY HEART COVEY. BREAK IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

they're both so happy. this makes me so sad now. oh jeez. oh jeez. oh jeez

oh jeez oh jeez merlin's expression. AW merlin gave arthur his word. oh jeez this is very stressful and i'm only watching this

ok obviously. merlin doesn't want to see arthur in pain. but ALSO this was merlin's chance to change things once and for all. and now uther is dead. #no liam just payne

arthur's face post crying. skf;aldjfa;ldk AW

frick you agarvaine. literally die. i can't wait for merlin to kill you

i think this scene is pretty. the light on the left and the dark on the right? ok actually, i'm going to be making an off base comparison now because that's all i do.

i'm remembering this post i saw on here and it was like, arthur uther and morgana in the throne room. in order of the way they sit in the throne room, first it's arthur, uther, and then morgana

well. the really dumb and off base comparison here is the 'light' goodness of arthur and the 'dark' evil of morgana being mirrored in the picture above.

'light', bravery, doing what's right- being on the left. 'dark', evil, power on the right- and arthur in the middle of it, king

like i said, it's a dumb off base comparison, but at least the picture is pretty

oh jeez this scene

my heart breaks for both of them

merlin not being able to form a sentence at first.

😭😭😭😭 arthur please. you're breaking everyone's heart right now

you already knew i had to include this scene

arthur walking in there all alone

oh jeez he's all alone

dumb parallel number 2. arthur walking into the throne room with uther, father and son. merlin and gaius closing the door for arthur- pseudo father and pseudo son.

'he'll never know who i really am'

i want to do a DEH post soon but jeez. the line that hits hardest for me in DEH is 'i never let them see the worst of me. cause what if everyone saw? what if everyone knew? would they like what they saw? or would they hate it too? and jeez that's all i can think about when i think about merlin and his secrets

again. no liam, just payne

asldkfja;sldkfjas dlf merlin waiting for arthur

i have so many feelings

i love the show of affections for his father. you already know that uther wasn't affectionate when arthur was growing up, but still. forehead kiss? i love it

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT YOU WERE ALONE. i hate this and love this so much. i'm not saying merlin is completely selfless, because merlin wants magic to be leagalized and arthur is the way to do that. but omg merlin not wanting for arthur to feel like he's alone breaks me

first, merlin being physically alone while waiting for arthur. arthur was technically alone too, but he was with his father

but also, merlin being alone in the sense of his magic. no one knows except for gaius. lancelot knew and then they killed him. merlin is so alone when it comes to his magic, and morgana's enchantment only pushes merlin into his 'magic shell' more. arthur thinks magic is pure evil, and merlin is made of magic. what does that mean would think of arthur. this hurts me so much i'm so sad

friend 😭

arthur asking if he's hungry and them getting breakfast together

ok this sound track

pendragon red. i actually stan

gwen wearing a purple dress?? color symbolism?? nah i'm over thinking

ASIFA;SDLFJAD HE'S KING OF CAMELOT

IT'S LIKE I WANT TO CRY BECAUSE I'M SO PROUD RIGHT NOW.

oh jeez oh jeez.

and merlin saying 'long live the king' at the end of the episode?

chills

Anyways! I’ll be back next week to rant more about aithusa so I’ll see you then! thanks I love you bye

[imkindanerdforlanguages]

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was actually right about everything about my crush and her maybe girlfriend! Full story below and some will be repeat if anyone’s actually been keeping up with this. Skip to the third to last paragraph if you only wanna hear what happened today and not all the back story. I wrote this mainly so I could look at it later and remember and it turned out wayyyy longer than expected

Ok so I’ve like this girl a long time and we’ve been friends never questioned too much of she liked girls or not so that was never really a problem. So cut to football season 2017. We’re both in marching band and that’s how we became friends that year. We ended up both being in the same English class that school year and I become good friends with some of her other friends, including her maybe gf. (Shout out to those friends they’re super great). Since I have a massive crush on her (it’s 2018 by now) I pay more attention to her and stuff and I kinda notice how she acted with maybe gf. Like paying attention to maybe gf like I payed attention to her, looking at her lips, always mentioning her, stuff like that. So I think “oh she likes her, oh well, I wish her the best.” I’m quite shy irl so I wasn’t gonna make a move or anything and I was content what it was, though hopeful that she’ll maybe like me someday. I hate if people come on too strong myself and kinda believe that feelings are just gonna be what they are, rather than things that can swung heavily (idk if that makes sense but whatever)

So summer break happens then we’re at marching band 2018 still got my crush, still hopeful but not expecting much bc I still notice things between my crush and maybe gf. I think maybe gf is straight (I know, I know I’m not for assuming people’s sexuality but it was what it was) maybe it was my feelings making me think that maybe gf would never reciprocate but anyways I mainly feel bad for my crush bc it looks she really likes this girl and I can relate lol. So homecoming comes and I really wanna slow dance with her but I miss my fucking chance bc I go to the bathroom. Oh well. She did grind on me at one point but all the girls in our group were so whatever it was nice but didn’t really mean anything. And I actually worked up the nerve to text her that she looked gorgeous at homecoming (which she did) and I’m still proud of myself for that

One day shortly after, we’re at a band competition in the warmup room chilling bc we’re waiting for the rain to stop so we can go on. We’re talking in a group and someone ends up asking her if she has a crush on maybe gf, and she quickly denies (and I think yeah right lol) but then they ask if she has a crush on me and she stutters our her denial. The way she did it made me think that maybe I had a chance (there were other things too of course like the occasional look, etc). So the next day I muster up all the courage I have and text her asking if she has a crush on me, she says no, and I confess that I like her to get it off my chest. I thank god that we still remained great friends after that. We actually haven’t brought it up since.

Then the next football game she’s asked if she’s ever kissed a girl and she says yes and I’m like ah ha! I bet they are actually dating. (Side note that I kinda came out to like have the band that night cause someone asked if I was straight and I said no). I get a text from maybe gf the next day asking for relationship advice (she had never mentioned that she was in a relationship before) or something (I can’t really remember anymore). She’s playing the pronoun game so I figure that it’s a girl she’s dating and she’s says so later and tells me she’s bi. I told her I was bi too and we bonded over that and stuff it was nice and brought us closer etc. She says she doesn’t wanna tell me who it is and I respected that but I kinda figured that it was my crush. I think oh well that sucks for me but I’m happy for them. For things like this I largely live by just flowing with life and seeing where it takes you. If I didn’t I’d probably literally explode from stress lmao

Over then next couple months she tells me various things about her relationship which went through ups and downs. She felt trapped and pressured to come out and like nobody else could ever love her (which I always denied). There was a rough patch where she overloaded me with emotional stuff (which I am not prepared to handle) but it’s not too relevant to the story other than that a lot of the things she said made me more sure that my crush was her gf bc it just sounded like how she would act (note that after this she pretty much stopped texting me about her gf so I didn’t really get anymore info)

Sidenote: I’m not too sure how healthy their relationship actually was and since I only ever got one side of it I’m still not too sure how much of what I was told was truthful vs exaggerated since maybe gf was going through a rough patch. There were things like her panicking bc her gf was talking about marriage (yikes) and coming out and stuff. But she also talked about how it was easy to not cheat bc there was no one else in our town and she would kiss other girls as like a shock factor thing at parties and be like “my gf shouldn’t get mad bc it’s not like fr” (also yikes). I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that both of them had things that weren’t the best but we’re teenagers and this was probably both of their first relationships so I’m not labeling them as bad people or anything. The biggest clue tho that my crush was her gf was that she said that her gf was the only person who knew all the terrible things about her/her life and since my crush was probably the closest to her I sorta assumed

Sidenote 2: some other things that made me sure of their relationship: my crush once got jealous of me in the group chat (she jokingly told me no to something, idk what anymore, and my crush was like what about me??? Lol), maybe gf kinda tripped and my crushes hand went to her waist in an intimate way to stabilize her, they were always each other’s lock screens, my crush would always give in to maybe gf (which sometimes I didn’t like bc I felt like she had to give into some things she shouldn’t have— not like really bad things but just kinda :/ and she’d have to apologize for playful insults even tho maybe gf said like the same level of insult), the eye contact when our teacher mentioned interracial sex lol, also the constant FaceTiming and calling that lowkey got on my nerves (nyc trip was the worst but really wasn’t that bad. It was mostly the jealousy that made it suck)

Sidenote 3: prom happened somewhere in here and we cuddled on the couch a bit but not like what your thinking, more like sat really close but it was nice. At one point she was like completely on top of me bc she was fighting with someone playfully

Anyways moving on to the end of the school year, I’m like 90% sure they’re dating, and I notice things seem tense between them. My crush would put her head down a lot and they would playfully insult each other with a bit more bite. They didn’t hang around each other as much as they used to, etc. I was just really picking up on some vibes. Eventually things seem to settle down a bit buts it’s the end of the year already and they’re graduating and stuff.

All three of us ended up doing this program at a university that lets kids work with scientists and learn about stem etc. we each work in different labs so we don’t see each other everyday but the group gets together like 1-2 times a week. During these, I notice that they just don’t seem as close, like they didn’t sit next to each other, phone lock screens aren’t each other, crush’s name in maybe gfs phone is her full name not nick name (though this could have always been that, I’m not sure), my crush no longer apologizes or cares as much if maybe gf gets a little mad (which she gets easily). Taking this with the tension before school got out into consideration, I figure that they must have broken up. Cool cool, maybe I have a chance but also she’s moving across the state for college in a month so :/

That brings us to the grand finale: today. So I have no idea really if they have broken up or if they were even together in the first place. But then maybe gf mentions that she is now dating this guy (which I approve of, he’s super sweet). I kinda suspected bc a picture of him was her lock screen, they had been hanging out a lot, initials in insta bios (which Ik should be a dead give away but she once said that she hates how people assumed that her and this other guy were together when she was dating her gf do I didn’t wanna assume anything) and I was like ah ha! At lest Ik that they aren’t dating now if they ever did in the first place. She invites me to come hang out with her, her bf and another couple that I’m good friends with tomorrow. So after I get home, partly bc I don’t wanna be the only single person there, partly bc I wanna see if I can weasel out the truth, and partly bc I may have day dreamed about us being all coupley too and maybe a kiss (oh how I wish). I text her and ask if my crush can come too so I’m not the only single person there. She texts back saying that it would be a good idea. So I figure it’s now or never so I ask if it’s bc they dated. She originally says no but then says admits that yes they dated but she broke up with her and they are still friends.

She basically says that she broke up with her bc she’s not ready to be out bc she doesn’t wanna lose some of her friends, wants to be normal, etc. she’s always been insecure, so it’s not too surprising for me. I sincerely hope that one day she reaches a place where she can be herself and not worry. I also feel bad for my crush bc I have a feeling that she’s probably still pretty hurt over it and I wish her the best too. I’m not gonna try to like make a move or anything bc a. I have no idea how long it’s been since the breakup and how she feels about it b. I’ve already expressed feelings so I don’t wanna be that person who keeps pusing after they’re rejected c. She’s moving like 6 hours away in a month

All in all I’m super surprised that I actually picked up on the fact that they were dating and had broken up bc I’m am not very emotionally intelligent at all. Honestly I doubt I would have picked up on much if I was paying such close attention bc of my crush. I spent like an hour+ writing this I can’t believe I actually had so much to say and it makes my life seem much more dramatic that it is. Thank you if you actually read all this or have kept up with my woes in the slightest bye

[lonelythoughtsinmybed]

diary entry #2 ✂︎--- kind of productive

i’m writing this about yesterday despite it being another day. idk why i waited until the last minute it’s not like i had stuff to do...

yesterday was a weird school day because although i didn’t have virtual classes, i still had to take attendance. teachers were supposed to upload work, but most of them said to take the time to do work that we’ve missed. 

basically for my school, it’s a hybrid thing where students can choose to go back to school or choose to stay virtual. it’s dumb how my school is doing it tho because i’m seeing only four of my classes for a smaller amount of time---it’s mad confusing. while i’m at home from 7-11, i’m supposed to do the work my teachers post--surprise they barely post shit so that means i can sleep in :D

i had to take a 50 minute math test and it took me 12 minutes to finish the first question. i assure you that i did terrible on it. that’s scary to say because i can’t afford to do bad in math class anymore because i’m on the verge of getting a C in that class...i already have a C in bio i-

speaking of bio, i took notes for the second time this year...that’s right, for awhile i barely studied for anything in bio. what was i thinking?? i don’t think about my consequences sometimes i swear. yet, i’m always in my head, overthinking. weird.

i got a new, fluffier pillow because the one i have rn is a little flat. but i’ve been sleeping perfectly fine with it so i have a feeling i won’t like this new one lol.

i posted on my business blog and just finished up make my favorite vision board so far, which will be up tonight.

for dinner, i ate delicious hot wings. i usually stray away from eating hot wings and just eat normal fried chicken. but for months, whenever we get chicken for dinner, i always go for the hot wings. it’s addicting now loll.

i talked to another one of my best friends for the first time in a while---i’m seeing a reoccuring theme here lol this ain’t good. i need to be better at communicating with my friends. at the same time tho, we all have shit going on in our lives so it’s normal to not be updated with out friends.

we had a good convo about the stresses of school and college apps and she asked me to edit her college essay, which i was excited to do.

earlier this week, my mom bought me a cute candle from dollar tree. there was a cute pom pom on it and lighting it last night made my room smell extra nice. after some time though, it gave me a little headache lol.

OH yea, update on my the hangout with my friends: it’s not going how i expected it to go. earlier this week one of them said their mom’s bday is the same as mine, so she can’t hangout that day with me. i was a little sus of her cause it kinda sounded fake?...idk but i felt kinda sad. i was laughing though when i read her text cause i EXPECTED this. sooo, we moved it to sunday, a day after my birthday. at least we’re still hanging out. to add on, i checked the weather and it’s cold as balls on sunday...so i don’t think we can have our picnic. we might just have to go to target. ik they can come to my house, but my room is small. is it though? for three people it isn’t but IDK ANYMORE. i just don’t wanna think about this shit anymore :(

phew. okay that kinda helped. just having a blog to rant on and post fun pictures and reblog cool things is a nice thing. although no one knows about my blog, it’s therapeutic as fuck. i recommend making a tumblr blog if you feel like ranting while lowkey wanting people to see it.

♥︎ thank you for reading, ghosties