#ik the trailer was out but god damn...

[misery-goddess-with-cake]

Pls good God tell me it isn't real. No no NOOOO!!!

TWST IS RELEASING CHAPTER 7 ON JP IN DECEMBER WTFFF OMFG

I'm gonna cry I'm gonna cry I'm gonna cry. I will never fucking recover from this. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SEBEK IS GETTING TWO SSRs WHATTT

I was happy !!!

When I saw Ace's clubwear SSR. Now I'm despair. Should I get a JP Account and save for Lillia's card? Should I not? TWST anime acknowledgement in Twitter??? Uwaaa

[mgarmagedon]

Today is the day trailer for Transformers One will be relised, how exited are you? Because I can't sit in one place calmly and my friends just rolls their eyes since they are not TF fans

Sorry to inform you but it's wednesday XDD, and trailer SHOULD be upload on youtube in thursday 18th April (at least in my timezone is still 17th, so sorry if I'm late XD)

But if they publish it today I wan't be made I would be so happy---

Despite that, I'm SO GO DAMN EXCITED FOR THAT, like fr every opinion, description and news about this movie are so god damn good!!! I can't sit in one place too see how this movie gonna look like and how it'll go, because after what I have heard and read about this movie, I would be so shocked and disappointed if that won't be like one of the best TF movies EVER!!!

I even made video about it which i posted on my Twitter and Tiktok

IK this movie hasn't been shown to us yet and having big exceptions for something that didn't even make come out is like buying a pig in a poke, but let me at least believe ;w;

But at least we gonna have great Thor- I mean Orion VA, because Thor (I will just call this actor like that, he won't read that so he won't be mad at me XDD) spend time with Peter Cullen to learn how to talk like OP

So yeah I have HIGH hopes :)))

And don't worry about having no transformers liking friends around, at least you are not like me that my sister is giving me side eye every time she sees i didn't give some child or sell my Ratchet figures "because they are for children and you are adult" and he just tell me to shut up when I start talking about Transformers one last week XDDD

[fandom-blackhole]

Ok ok ok The Last of Us episode 1 thoughts below!

• CLIMATE CHANGE?! (Love that honestly)

• Not me sobbing at the intro (I HOPED they'd do something like the games intro so this was a perfect surprise)

• Joels shirt is inside out 😭 (ok noticed this before it was mentioned)

• Let the man have his coffee Sarah

• Gabriel as tommy?! Sounds almost identical omggg

• The neighbors 😭 (oh I understand now.....)(I like how they changed the changing/infected neighbor scene)

• Desert Storm???? 👀

• Sarah fixing the watch instead of getting him a new one 🥺

• Sarah's backpack is so cute omg

• The dog 🥲

• "Drugs. I sell hard-core drugs." Happy screams

• Joel and his shitty movies smh (hope this is ref later with ellie and joels movie nights)

• Dammit Tommy, jail, really??

• Yo wtf grandma. No joke the cordyceps out of her mouth?!?!?

• The truck scene was done so welllllllllll

• Jimmy's place!!!

• The planes (OMFG THE PLANE)

• Ooo the car crash separating them, I approve

• These bitches CREEPY (Love that they have no fine motor control)

• Joel begging 🥲🥲🥲

• That is infact a small child (😭😭😭)(🥲🥲🥲)

• DONT YOU TWENTY YEARS LATER ME YOU BITCHES (both 2014 Hannah and 2023 Hannah)

Sarah's death was sadder here and I stand by that

• The amount of time it takes to change depending on where your bit poster is 👌👌👌

• Joel doing actual work in the QZ is kinda really funny to me (sewer maintenance) (now this is more like it....wait drug dealing??)

• MUSICCCCCCCC

• HANGING?????? IN THE QZ??? BY FEDRA???

• Tess 🥰🥰🥰

• Ooo truck battery and not guns (what about your guy?- He answers to me FUCK YEAH HE DOES....WAIT oh fuck explosion! Well fuck you anyway Robert)

•  ELLIE!! (SHE HAS HER EYEBROW SCAR! And her sense if humor) (veronica?) (unchain my child please)

• Oooo message operator! (TOMMY!) (Slavers 🤔)

• Joel planning a trip already is genius (wtf you doing drinking and doing pills?!)

• The watch 🥲

• Those walls are THIN or that baby is LOUD

• Marleneeeeeee

• I love all the yellow wires, ik in the game it was an obvious way to show you where to go, but u like that its been added to the show

• Oh damn, rip unnamed firefly Marlene talked too, you're dying in the capital (kim) (ope her ear)

• Tell me to look for the light and ill break your jaw 🥰🥰🥰

• Ellie getting water on her face lmao

• The knife 🥺

• Atleast the wrapped the handcuff so it wouldn't hurt her

• Don't talk about Riley bitch, I will fight you

• I like all the water dripping, good touch

• Joel talking construction 🥰🥰🥰

• Ok but that wallpaper in the hallway with the dead Robert, I want

• Well ellie you tried, but Joel is better

• Ellie is in fact feral, love her

• Give ellie her knife dammit (yes ellie I agree that was an asshole move)

• Ope don't mention Tommy

• What are they capable of?- alot ellie, alot

• You all talk it out but please remember I am bleeding out 😭😭😭

• God I love my husband

• Ellies shoes squishing 🤢

• Bill and Frank 🥺

• Your watch us broken 🥲

• Ok but why is all the wallpaper cute in this episode?!

• Ellie figuring out the radio code shes so smart i love her

• That door (or whatever you wanna call it) was hidden perfectly omg

• Worst time to take a piss (hahahahaha honestly fuck that guy)

• Pedro's eyes 😩 (oh fuck wait hes fucking that guy upppp)

• PTSD!!!

• THE RADIOOOOOOOOO

• THE RADIO AS IT PANS OVER THE CITY AND WE HEAR INFECTED?!? so good

• The trailer!

• The city landscapes 😩😩😩

• Frank!!!!

• There's no halfway with this, we finish what we started *indistinct screeching*

If you read all this PLEASE send me Joel thoughts, I wanna talk about my husband! Also if you want me to explain any of these ASK MEEEE!! Also, Also, I'll be doing this for every episode so if wanna be tagged in these just if be down 👉👈

[sn0tcl0wn]

wish and the star boy we never got is proof of my long standing theory that disney (and animation as a whole) needs to bring back cute boys. they stopped featuring them as much back when frozen came out to focus more on famalial love and i respect that. however, that was the tail end of an era where animated movies were almost always guaranteed to have one super cute boy. this was the thing that brought audiences in. i swear to god until i was like 18-19 if an animated movie had a cute boy, i and all my friends were there opening night. a movie could look like pure garbage and if a boy was cute we were there. and of course there are other factors like the other character's designs and music if it's a musical, but cool designs didn't go anywhere and i, as well as many people, can overlook a bad musical if the animated dude is pretty (quest for camelot is a movie that exists). like why do you think anime really became so popular amongst preteen/teenage girls? they'll outright tell you, just go in the tags. it's the cute boys. cute boys bring in audiences.

it's not sexism, it's not heteronormativity, it's not "teaching girls all they're good for is marriage" or whatever the fuck people were complaining about ten years ago when disney made the executive decision to step away from having cute boys and by extension started a trend of studios doing that; it's the simple fact that people, especially girls, tend to like cute animated boys. and yeah people like pretty and cute animated girls too but that's kinda the whole point of disney princesses. we don't even need cute boys as love interests, in movies like treasure planet and rise of the guardians there is no romantic subplot for either of the movies' cute boys. it's just cute boys doing cool stuff with other well designed characters.

i feel the overwhelming response of disappointment when the star boy concept art was released is proof that, at the end of the day, animation fans want more cute boys. and i agree. you wanna actually sell that shit to your main demographic of kids, specifically girls, aged 10 and up? cute boys worked every damn time for decades. it only became less prevalent in the 2010s when people decided we for whatever reason didn't need the cute boys and nixed them completely in an attempt to seem progressive and not "reduce" any girl protags to love interests. which is an awful way to refer to writing a love story btw, we need to work on that because that gets said every time this happens and it's weird people can't fathom a strong, independent girl who also has a boyfriend. and yes, yes it's better if she has a girlfriend but there is still a desire to see a cute boy character on screen. the best animated movies from the 90s-2000s all had them and everyone vividly remembers a time where that drawing was their husband or literally them. it's important for some weird reason for cute animated boys to exist and the star boy proves that these movies would do way better with cute boys.

and the "boy" in question doesn't even need to be human or whatever. you think zootopia sold because the trailers actually looked good? what about sing? god no. no matter how much i like those movies, the trailers made them look like trash, but the power of cute boys prevailed even when the "boys" are a fox and a gorilla.

ik this rant is long and it seems pointless but i feel like i cracked the code for why so many animated movies have been sucking harder than ever and it's because for almost two generations we had cute boys to soften the blow of a bad animated movie and now we have more evidence that they're actively making decisions to cause that. i said this about five years ago when i realized the majority of cute animated boys were furries or anime boys and now i see this star boy shit. and i'd been saying how ugly i think the star is for months beforehand too when merch started popping up.

i just feel like they could have avoided fucking themselves so hard if they just let the cute boy exist. i genuinely feel people would at least be more likely to see the movie but most people didn't even bother and the people who did say don't bother. but if a cute boy was there and they used his song as the trailer? we'd wanna know what this little magic man was about. we'd wanna see how things panned out between him and hero girl. and if it ended up being bad we'd all say "yeah but the designs were good" or some shit and disney would get that sweet, sweet centennial money. but that's not what happened because some moron somewhere decided girls don't want to see cute boys in their princess movies and a chain reaction started that won't stop until disney undoes it and gives us a goddamn cute boy. and that's not even a joke. that's my honest to god theory for how to save mainstream animated movies. we saw a glimpse of this with spider-verse. like those movies ate but a big draw for both of them was the fact that there was a cute boy for everyone to crush or project on. we need cute animated boys now more than ever.

[vermanaward]

6.55 msq

still not a fan of wuk lamat's face. sorry babe.

don't love the lampshading of how similar their language is to eorzean. i guess it's a pre-emptive attempt to head off people complaing It'd Be Weird that everyone just happens to speak eorzean (see also: the exact same issue in norvrandt)

god damn npcs have a rescue you can't surecast your way out of how Dare

raha: since this is about ur nation's internal issues is this really the place for us foreigners to get invovled wuk: oh totally! my nation encourages foreign meddling in our internal affairs, it's part of our culture :3 me, internally: ben_affleck_smoking.jpg

somewhere between 'heh zero left an impact huh' and just. petition to make everyone who writes unfunny jokes about hot curries eat like. actual hot spiced dishes just because you motherfuckers. have no conception of how hot these things can actually get. like i guarantee you zero's preference for her spice level would also be fairly normal for certain dishes. but no!!!

don't love the sb thing where you can pick an 'actually this is a terrible idea pls do not railroad me into doing this' and then it railroads you anyway. don't give me meaningless dialogue options. actually worse than no dialogue options

this is the only mention or reference the whalaqee are going to get for the entireity of dt's lifecycle huh

raha: wol, take me on your next adventure! also raha: actually im going to stay home and be a bean counter like a good boy

yeah ik he's in the trailer and yeah i am Very Tired of his entire character being 'wol take me on your next adventure' but

STILL CAN'T ESCAPE THE EMET SPEECH. istg if they keep milking that in dt i'm going to. be salty about it.

honestly if emet and his buddies had any sense they would have done their schemes in all these places the wol never went

yay, knapsack. now just let me wear fashion accessories in battle in instances so ican beat up alpha omega while wearing pretty pink pixie wings

[arillusionist]

s&b s1e2 live reaction!!

the episode title omg... nina and matthias better show up in this

young mal and alina are so cute

KAZ AND INEJ ALREADY?? IM BEING FED HELL YEAH

but i can tell this is not gonna be a cute scene

i mean their scenes are never "cute" but shes already yelling 😬😬

OH THAT WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH

inej is so valid tho i love how she knows what she wants and she doesnt let herself get pushed around 💪💪

even by kaz

the darkling isnt even that hot what do people see in him??? the crows on the other hand.............. bangers all of them

ah this is the scene from the trailer

oh thank god we're in ketterdam again i like alina's plot but its very predictable and crow's plot is not

and thats funny considering i've read soc but not s&b 💀

inej is gonna save kaz im calling ittt

oh nvm!! see what i mean abt it being unpredictable

Ahh inej and jesper time 😍😍

STOPPP NOT INEJ DRINKING JESPER'S SHOT

wait huh?? why is inej going to the menagarie????

KAZ DRINKING JESPERS SHOT TOO IM CRYINF

indirect kiss 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 (not really)

KAZ HAS BLUE EYES?? I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS HES SUPPOSED TO HAVE BROWN EYES INEJ LITERALLY DESCRIBES THAT A MILLION TIMES

damn kaz is smart

alina girl theyre not tryna kill you

what tf does mal have against grisha 💀💀💀

happy to see inej but why the Fuck is she still in the menagerie i dont like this

WHEN SHE LETS HER HAIR DOWN >>>>>>>

"would you like to see how it works" HDHFLKJFKLJFL

okok thank god shes just gonna kill someone i thought that heleen bitch was gonna make her do what she did before

jesper being in awe of inej is so funny to me 😭😭

i feel like everybody is being way to chill abt alina being a fucking Sun Summoner. like theyre all like ohh yeah ur special ur the chosen one but thats it?? why arent their reactions more extreme?? this girl is literally a legend?????

every time a fjerdan appears i go a little delulu and think its matthias

look i js wanna see all the crows ok?? 💔💔 ik wylan isnt in this season but stilllll

i can definitely see how harsh the fjerdans are towards grisha now.. like it was obvious in soc but this rlly Shows it

oh OH damn

JESPER ASKING FOR AN EXPLOSIVES EXPERT LMAO 😭😭

i love jesper

OH SHE DID IT!!!

aww i feel bad for alina ☹️💔

GET AWAY FROM HER GET A JOB 🗣️🗣️

"you would turn your back on her so quickly?" dawg.....

the person saying "eh whatever" in the background when jesper fired 💀

jesper is so bad at lying

KILL HIM INEJ

…she has a brother??

"you choose him over my freedom" "you assume its one or the other" hdhfjk the angstttt

ok i know inej is mad at kaz but the shot where they were looking over the conductor guy... THE power couple omg 🔥🔥🔥

aww alina 💔💔 jessie is a hella good actor tho

what is she doing!?!?!?

OH MY GOD THE SCENE CUTTING TO KAZ AFTER THE GUYS TALK ABOUT DOING FOOLISH THINGS FOR YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS

HE SOLD THE FUCKING CROW CLUB ?????

HE DID IT FOR HER~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KAZ

KAZ OH MY GODDDD

KANEJ IS REAL

THEY ARE REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

AUGHHHH H💗💖💖💖💖💖💖

ITS NOT ALL ANGST AHDFJKFLJGKJGLKJGLKJFKLJLKFJ

i could not care less about mal pining for alina KANEJ. IS. REAL. AHHH!!!!!

ok i care abt alina tho!! ☹️☹️ feel so bad for her

aww its overrr 💔💔 if the show wasnt on the verge of cancelation i would watch another one but im tryna stretch this out

[crapmagak]

Engage Drip Marketing: Alfred

Oh boy, we finally get to learn about one of the cover characters, Alfred. 

They struck gold with Xander, and they struck god damn platinum with Dimitri, so it seems they’re going for round three. Perhaps in terms of the franchise's future, Dimitri has spawned a whole new character archetype, kind of like how Tharja has made the sexy goth woman a staple in this series with Camilla, Shamir, and now purple haired woman in the trailer.

As for Alfred himself, we get these tweets

Alfred (VA: Ryōhei Kimura) is the first prince of the Firenese Kingdom, a brisk young man who battles alongside the Divine Dragon. He’s a kind, disciplined and flower-loving pursuer of happiness.

Then the cutscene tweet

It seems Alfred had visited the sleeping Alear many times. He's surprised that Alear woke up.

Alear: "Alfred... of the Kingdom of Firene?"

Alfred: "You... Could it be?

The Divine Dragon Alear? You woke up?"

Alear: "Y-yes."

Alfred: "I see... This is great! You've no idea how long I've waited for this!"

So, first off, we finally have a name for the Verdant kingdom; Firene! Seems I was right on the mark about which country Firene referred to. I’m also excited to see more characters representative of this region. Though a west european base is the literal standard for fantasy, adding a flower and plant motif definitely helps. Reminds me a bit of the Tyrells from A Song of Ice and Fire. 

As for Alfred himself, despite my Dimitri jokes, he actually gives me a different set of vibes. Specifically, I have a theory about the four other box art characters, the one we saw in that sequence were they fight a bunch of corrupted. They each adhere to a sort of classic Fire Emblem Archetype, especially those relating to royalty. So, while Alear is our Avatar lord, I think Alfred is meant to be more of our classical lord. Think Marth, Eliwood, or Eirika, the more gentlemanly, peace loving lord, as opposed to the more warrior esc lords like Hector, Ephraim, or Ike, who I think will be the red haired swordsman. I think the dancer will be that innocuous traveler who turns out to be royalty, like Lewyn, Joshua, or Virion. As for the goth woman… I have a strong prediction but it’s based on the leaks. And unfortunately, I can't black out text for easy spoiler warnings on tumblr. I'll just have to say it once we get her posts. I’m also certain that for the Firene arc of this game, Alfred will serve as the Deuteragonist/ focus character. Hell, there's a strong chance he’ll get a legendary weapon as well.

One thing that did surprise me is that Alfred is the first prince. Considering Celine wears a crown but he doesn’t, I assumed Alfred wasn’t even royalty. Makes sense though. Seems like we’re getting a classic Fire Emblem story of a Prince trying to defend/ reconquer his homeland. If he’s a prince, I also assume that makes Celine his younger sister.

Another big thing is that we get a good look at Etie and the fighter character early. The first thing that struck me was just how tiny Etie was. I kind of assumed she’d look older, like Chloe, but she looks younger than Framme. The fighter was also a shock, considering how small his head is compared to his body. Now, a lot of that bulk’s probably do to his clothes and armor, but it still looks off a bit. I’m fairly sure the two are Alfreds retainers, which makes me wonder if Chloe and Louis are Celine’s retainers as well, and all the major characters get a pair like in Fates. That's not the only thing that reminds me of past games, though. Etie and the fighter have pretty similar hair and eye colors, along with overall aesthetics. I kind of wonder if they’re siblings too. If they are, then that’d make them the third pair, considering the dragon guardian twins, and the Firene royals. We also see Citrinne in a map with a blond cavalier too… I wonder if we’re getting a predominantly sibling cast, like in the second half of Genealogy. Then again, the hair and eye colors are exactly the same, so perhaps I’m over thinking things. Overall, they give me Lethe and Mordecai vibes; tiny mean girl and big nice guy.

We also see this cutscene at the night bridge map, meaning you probably meet the three during or after the it. I’m guessing the attack happened on one of his visits. Perhaps after the attack, our heroes flee to Firene after the Holy Land is captured.

Next, we get another juicy, juicy crit clip…

Alfred's starting class is Noble/ Cavalry. With blood of noble royalty running through their veins, they ride a horse, and elegantly wield a lance.

So, it seems like Alfred gets a fancy flourish on his crit. Perhaps it’s exclusive to him, or just major Firene characters in general. We also get to hear more of that sweet, sweet Firene map theme. This is a new map too, taking place in a village with bushes and small forests. Alfred is level seven, so it appears to take place after the Firene castle chapter. Perhaps that wasn’t a castle, but a simple fort.

Green units are confirmed. There are six on the map, but we can only see five. We have three civilians, one presumed cleric, and a monk in the back. Seems like we’ll need to rush to their aid before it’s too late.

What really caught my eye, though, was that someone else is engaged to Sigurd. This completely obliterated my assumption that only certain pairings of characters could engage. As for the character in question, it’s hard to tell cause they face away from the camera, and because of their glowing hair. Considering who else we see, and that they’re on foot, my guess is Clan or Louis. I lean more towards Louis for one reason. Each of the engaged characters have a sort of glowing halo thing along their backs. Alear has dragon-like wings, Celine a halo, for a brief second we see wing-like ornaments of Alfred’s form on the map, and the red haired swordsman has a bunch of glowing weapons on his back. This figure has either large wings around their shoulders, or a kind of shell like pauldrons. My new theory is that the ornament is based on class categories, and armored units get the shell. If this is true, I wonder if there are limits to who can engage with who based on weapon type (as an example, SIgurd can only engage with characters who use swords or lances, and Lyn would be locked to characters who use swords or bows.)

Finally, we get a quick look at Alfreds inventory. He can use an iron lance, or a javelin. However, he can’t wield the poleaxe, meaning he really is lance locked (probably until he promotes).

As for who we see next, my bets on either Etie or Celine. If we do get Celine next, I’m curious if we’ll see her crit with a sword or magic.

[pandasized-crevice]

MY FRESH JUST WATCHED KINNPORSCHE EP11 THOUGHTS

Pete my boy😭

AYO AYO AYO VEGAS 🛑

Pause ?pete tattoo?

Yuh Vegas dad give him a slap

Its the temper tantrum for me

THESE DUDES:kinnporsche being the dudes

God I love them LOOK AT THIM CUDDLING

OH KINN PLEASE SEE THAT ITS A TRICK

Vegas on god we’re going to FIGHT LEAVE PETES GRANDMA ALONE

I’m going to cry my eyes out this is so fucked

yES THINK ABOUT IT KINN YK SOMETHINGS UP

My kinn defender hat is ON READY he has no reason to think pete is in danger y’all come on but he still felt off about it

tankhun my king

This fit…..I need a moment to…take it in

OH Oh yk what they’re about to discover that kinn & Porsche are together together

nah they foul for this the double up on kinn💀

Y U H Y U H YUH I LOVE HIM YOU SURE DO KINN

tankhuns face please He’s me rn

AYO WAIT EHY EVERYONE OUT HERE🕴🏻

Arm & pol my two fools💀🫶

WHY CHAN GOT GLOCK OUT SIR PLEASE

NO AND ITS JUST PORSCHE WHERED THEY PUT KINN

Oh there he is okay

My heart ZOOMING RN dear lord

POL PLEASE THE COMMENTARY

Daddy wants a breakup💀

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH THE MAFIA GAYS WIN

The bodyguards so invested in them they are us

This safe house NICE Lemme just say that

I wanna know the hedgehogs name

Pause: bible looking real tasty. Unpause:FUCK YOU VEGAS

Porsche picking kinns bodyguards💀

OH A WOMAN

AH THE STUFF ABOUT PORSCHES PARENTS ACCIDENT

Moment of silence for Big🫡

CHAY HI BABY

YOU ARE THE REASON CHAY

Let him love you both chay😞

oh lord not the belt

damn……

OH GO PETE GO

DAMNIT I KNEW VEGAS HAD SOMETHING

S t. O p kinn reminds me of a pleased cat

oh I’m going to be so normal about this shot of kinn hugging Porsches middle so very normal

kinn grabbing Porsches ass as he should

T A Y😍🫶🧎‍♀️

Now that he can,kinn is going to be showing ALL the pda and I love that

Tf you mean slavery time🕴🏻

Love slave🕴🏻🕴🏻

YOK MY QUEEN🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

wait the vibes shifted ik y’all felt that

Time sir please

Oh shit

Oh fuck you dude yk what Vegas just kill your father you can do it

Pete AYO WAKE UP PETE THIS ISNT FUNNY PETE GET UP

Chat meets tankhun first oh lord

The fit is stunning per usual

Did they turn out fine…….

OH SHIT THIS HOW CHAY FINDS OUT ABOUT KIM

Pause:they look so good in the family picture tho

Nah tankhun knows he knows damn well what he just did

So….is this how Vegas starts to love pete???or is this tender music for not

W A I T 👁👄👁

Both y’all’s daddies suck

They beat us because THEY suck EXACTLY YALL ARENT THE ONES TO BLAME YALLS DADS JUST SUCK ASS

AHAHA HELLO PKIM🤨

Oh Kim we’re fist fighting behind the dennys let’s go

Oh Kim you’re VILE FOUL

MY BABY CHAY 😭😭

Um A FUCKING HELICOPTER RIDE FOR PORSCHES BIRTHDAY!?

WAIT THAT MEANS POOL SCENE IS BIRTHDAY SEX NOT BREAKUP SEX YES?MAYBE!? IDK PROBABLY NOT😭😭😭

This is so fuxking cute dude LOOK AT TJEM BEING CUTE

hm progress for Vegaspete??

Baby girl he’s right there……

Y’all can’t put this comedy music and make me like vegaspete🤨I won’t be swayed

ARE YALL SERIOUS🕴🏻🫥HELICOPTER HEAD😧

Not that being the segway to the black inhalier ad💀

Kim getting down to business it seems

YA OWN DADDY KIM

Why am I surprised I already knew Korn was wack

EP12 let’s see: OKAY WAIT kinn is in that fit we see him in during the trailer scenes of the shootout im so fucking sure it’s the same fit and vegaspete …..I’ll leave them to their business

[misalpav]

Thor: Love and Thunder Spoiler Review

Ik it’s been two days since I saw the movie. I’ve been too busy to post sryyyyy.

MAJOR SPOILERS BEYOND CUT YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

ok so overall idk it wasn't bad but also wasn't good? I think that was the general consensus of the ppl I watched it with

Things I liked

I'm gonna get to the main cast but MATT DAMON SIR I LOVE YOU. I'm so used to watching the guy kick ass so watching that ridiculous play with him as Loki >>>>>. I got the fact that he cameos spoiled but not like this lmfao 💀

ALSO I LOVED THE TWO GOATS LMAO

Thor - ok appearance-wise I was honestly lmao at the beginning during the transition from that recluse look to what essentially looked like a teen gang leader (BUT ALSO LEATHER JACKET MY BELOVED)

And I mean he was funny

Christian Bale as Gorr damn

KORGGGG I LOVED HIM SO MUCH. My heart almost stopped when the lightning bolt went through him but the scene at the end when he makes a baby with Dwayne <333

also the allusion to Dwayne “The Rock” was hilarious

Jane - I LOVE HER but I wish they slowed down a bit with her character arch. I loved when she introduced herself as Dr. Jane Foster or Mighty Thor though.

AND INTRODUCING MIGHTY THOR J TO KILL HER WTF MARVEL

Valkyrie was queen as always and that moment when she kissed the hand of the girl at Omnipotence <3333

And on that note them showing trans rep with Axel was rly nice

I LOVED THAT SCENE WHERE THOR GAVE HIS POWERS TO ALL THE KIDS AND IT MADE THE LIGHTNING TREE THING OMG it was beautiful

Ok but when they showed that domestic scene with Thor and Gorr’s daughter my first thought was Uncle Loki :’) which I immediately shared with ms. @janetsnakehole02​ effectively bringing us both to near tears

HERCULESSSSSSSSS I’M SO HAPPY OMG HE’S IN THE MCU AND HE’S BRETT GOLDSTEIN AKDJHDKFKAUFJHLAU

one thing I suspect though is now that they’ve brought the necrosword and also the concept of celestials and symbiotes into the MCU they’ll also introduce Knull as the next Thanos-level villain in the villain and that’s exciting. I mean, look at him: 

Things I disliked

it felt like there were many plot holes lmao like why was Jane able to destroy the necrosword?? why couldn't Thor ask Eternity for Jane back??

The trailers were misleading, I expected more Guardians of the Galaxy tbh

I think there was a lot left out on Thor plot-wise. There was a lot of potential to explore his emotions with the loss of his family but there was just so much of Jane x Thor I think they should’ve toned down the ship and brought up the family feelings

I feel like Gorr was underdeveloped. We saw him getting his motivation but really nothing else about him. What was his civilization like? Were the gods ever good to his people??

It also felt like there was less plot more jokes which was kind of underwhelming

I think Valkyrie was underutilized

I wish they showed some of Thor’s family in Valhalla though seeing Heimdall was nice

ALSO WHY THE HELL DID ZEUS HAVE AN ITALIAN ACCENT??? it was weird tbh

I also noticed a BUNCH of parallels to Loki and Thor in dark world that they recreated with Jane and Thor and tbh why???? It just didn’t feel as original after that

Idk just overall something was missing

Rating: 4/10 - I might rewatch it for a few scenes but I don’t really care enough to rewatch the whole movie. I’m kind of disappointed bc even though I had low expectations for this movie something about it being a Thor movie and the fact that I just generally like Thor movies made it even more disappointing when I didn’t love it.

[glasseswearingrabbitdetective]

Hmmmmm.... 

ik full well its gonna annoy the SHIT out of me... TTT damn it lkgask i love Mahiru’s design so much but... god... 😔

ranting but ,, 

Even MAL were saying the obvious; it’s a disgusting “weeb’s wet dream “ 😂 A ‘Mom-like’ gf ,, who takes care of loser protag. I wonder if he has any redeeming qualities- other than just the bare minimum, putting an umbrella over troubled fmc’s head judging from the trailer. Mahiru-chan sweetie you deserve sooo much better... she’s so beautiful and kind ect,, read the description,, but THAT’S what she gets in return?? npc-quality dullass mc? 😂😂 sorry gklask i still haven’t touched it,, maybe i’m wrong..? 🥺 please... let me be wrong ... let it be wholesome and sweet series about a pair who love each other sm,, ect 🙏

[atimefordragons]

SO BABY NOW YOU FEEL LIKE NUMBER ONE SHINING BRIGHT FOR EVERYONE LIVIN' OUT YOUR FANTASY THE BRIGHTEST STAR THERE'S EVER BEEN

☾♔; Jan 19, 2022 ☾♔; 3:37pm ☾♔; sotd: NUMBER ONE - SHIRO SAGISU FT HAZEL FERNANDEZ ☾♔; cotd: KUROSAKI ICHIGO ☾♔; THINKIN' TOO MANY THOTS ☾♔; High Fashion Layout (I Guess)

𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: lyrics from number one

alt title, brain buzzing. ik, the set is a mess, but I'm having too many thoughts all at once and can't sort, so trying, like, I'm crying about stuff and mad about other stuff, and excited as FUCCCK about some other and like, my heart can't keep up, it's also been damaged by covid, probably just temperorarily, lol. the chest is almost completely gone now, but god it's taking too long. ik, ik, it can take 2 weeks for mild covid to pass, but still. I'm too tired to do anything and now that I don't have the energy, I have like 6000 things I wanna do. ///sighh/// ANYWAY!!!!

me watching ichigo and hitsugaya in the new trailer: my boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble.

I am still 12 and still in love with them. and bitter that we didn't adult hitsugaya, let my man age with me, god. also, also, hit with the realization that hitsugaya and xiao are very similar and concerned that me and my cousin have the same taste. hitsugaya is also her favourite from when she watched bleach, and like, that's fine, but what about when the older man thing hits, it hasn't yet, but she too much like me, and I'm ace and also had enough sense to be aware it would be really, REALLY bad if the "affection" was reversed or returned, but she ain't me, she's too trusting of people.

OFF TOPIC again, lmao. what was I talking to myself about again? OH right! sorting the thots! ignore this, I'm just self talking and trying to like untangle the mess. ___________________________________________________________________________

STELLARIS PHANTASM I totally forgot everything about this, okay, wait, genshin, and the 88 constellations plus corresponding nations, fallen gods, ummm, something

BOURGEOISIE ACADEMIA

UNTITLED (LET'S CALL IT GETSUGA TENSHOU FOR NOW, LOL) too messy, can't clear. Godai plus bleach plus zero plus the shoujos, the eva one and the inori one, cause they both cute and it funny, what even was the plot? fuck.

SHIZURI + DAISUKE

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I can't remember anything else, I slept it away. fuck.

VOGEL IM KAFIG

FUCK FORGET ABOUT THAT, WHAT EVEN WOULD BE THE PLOT? I THINK I HAD SOMETHING WITH JJK ELEMENTS OR TK IN MIND BUT IDR! DAMN IT BRAIN

[pan0ramy]

re8 thought dump because YE

i feel like this was almost inevitable but idk where else to talk about resident evil village so i’m just going to rant about it here!!! i have,,,, a lot of thoughts on this game after being so excited for it for so long

obviously, massive spoilers if you haven’t finished the game. i feel like i have thoughts on pretty much everything so please please please stay clear of this post if you’re trying to stay blind

otherwise, let me just rant about this game for a bit - mainly the story and characters - because i have Thoughts™

(also i feel like it goes without saying but this will be probably be quite long, so. strap in, ig)

okay SO. the whole intro was pretty interesting - even though we’d seen bits of it in trailers, it was still pretty unnerving and felt like it came out of nowhere. but the first thing that really stood out was the first village section with the hordes of lycans; i didn’t expect this game to start freaking me out so quickly but JESUS my blood pressure went up fast. 

there’s so many of them coming at you at once, and not only have you just lost half your damn hand, you’re not really used to the gunplay at that point AND you don’t have that many weapons at your disposal. so it’s basically just “hey we’re throwing you into this ring of death, good luck surviving!” which... now that i think about it, that really sums up the whole game lol

but for the most part, the early parts of the game are what we saw in the demos, so there’s nothing too new - it was nice getting to see the scene with all four lords and mother miranda, though. i wasn’t sure how the whole chase scene with the lycans would work - i thought heisenberg’s area was going to be some sort of mine, and that the chase would take place there - but it didn’t, and it was interesting regardless of it being so short. 

but the castle. THE CASTLE. 

i would be lying through my teeth if i said i wasn’t excited for dimitrescu like everybody else; i’m firmly in the camp of people who both meme about how attractive she is, and then also the people who legitimately find her attractive, soooo i kinda had high expectations going in? 

and sure, the castle section is only part of the game, but if there’s anything that makes me nervous most, it’s stalker enemies. resi 2 remake was actually pretty tough for me to get through because of how anxiety-inducing mr x was, and even though i don’t feel like she was as present as mr x was, lady d was still great! there were a good few times where you could hear her walking around and you just knew she was searching for you, which was really damn cool.

also, i know capcom had a lot of hype to live up to with lady dimitrescu, but goddamn they did such a great job with her. she’s so imposing but badass and just... really damn cool? like i honestly found myself being excited for her to show up rather than being scared. i just think she’s neat! I MEAN LOOK AT HER.

(also yes i know the whole internet has talked about how attractive she is, but can we just. appreciate that for a second???? she’s gorgeous and yall can’t tell me otherwise. like. bro ik the pronunciation is wrong but the way she says dimitrescu made me GASP i love this powerful vampire woman)

if anything, though, i... actually felt really bad that her story ended up the way it did. i mean, think about it: you break into her house, kill the three people she’s grown to consider her daughters, rob her shit, and then kill her? she technically goes through the same kind of parental grief that ethan does, in a way, which is a really interesting parallel. grief seems to be a theme that capcom really pushed for this game, and it works. 

also, her boss fight design is badass. she’s literally a dragon, how is that not incredible

so the castle was great, where could the game go from here? oh, i don’t know, how about gOOD OLD FASIONED FUCKING TRAUMA.

jesus christ the dollhouse GOT TO ME.

i’m pretty used to horror in general; i love horror games, movies, books, you name it. i’ve gone to horror movies where people have ran out because of fear all while i’ve sat there giggling the whole time. but the dollhouse? that dollhouse is FUCKED. i can’t remember the last time i watched someone play through a horror game and was so... on edge the whole time. the fact that they keep you waiting for so long with nothing happening just... makes the atmosphere incredibly uncomfortable, and then when shit does start going down, it goes down fast. in other words, jesus fucking christ that baby will haunt my nightmares until the end of time

basically capcom managed to make the n*zi baby joke from south park: the stick of truth legitimately terrifying, and i was glad to see donna die. moving on.

moreau’s section is the one i... actually don’t have as many thoughts on. it’s cool, sure, and the whole idea of him turning into a fish when he hits water is neat - it’s definitely a good callback to re4 - but idk, it didn’t really scare me that much. i can see it scaring those with a fear of water or the ocean, for sure, but eh. i thought the designs were cool, but i kinda tuned out a little here.

heisenberg, though, was anything but. the entire time leading up to village’s release, this guy has fascinated me for some reason. i don’t know if it’s because he’s the most normal-looking of the four lords, or the fact that he has telekinesis, or his amazing voice acting (seriously i know some people have shit on his VA but oh my god i adore it) or what, but this guy stood out to me from day one. i even went into the game expecting him not to die tbh. but no, he does, and his fight is pretty damn cool all things considered. only in a resident evil game could you have a mech fight and have it not feel out of place lol

also this line ^^^ legitimately made me laugh so hard i almost choked on my water. THE FACT HE TURNS AROUND AND APOLOGISES SO MEEKLY its fucking hilarious to me

but anyway.

similar to alcina, though, i was left with one big question about heisenberg - what did mother miranda do to him to get him to join her impromptu familly? he said himself to ethan that he didn’t want to join, so what did miranda do that didn’t give him a choice? did he have a family at some point? is he grieving too? what did miranda take from him? i can only hope this gets answered in the dlc, because it’s by far one of my biggest questions surrounding all of this. i may very well have missed it somewhere, and at least we know he has his telekinesis abilities thanks to miranda, but it’s a question that’ll definitely be on my mind going forward.

at this point, though, the story REALLY gets insane. it’s really nice how village decided to just continue on straight from what 7 did, and i’m very glad that everyone’s theories about chris being a werewolf were wrong - it’s a really nice spanner to throw in the works. if anything, the whole revelation of mother miranda disguising herself as mia the whole time since rose’s birth was really cool, and ethan being Mold™ the entire time was pretty neat too - it made a lot of things both in 7 and village make more sense.

what i’m still digesting, though, is the ending.

...man, capcom, you put poor ethan through all of that and then you have the balls to actually kill him? i mean shit, you made us think he was dead for a whole 20 minutes but then nope! he’s alive! but then nope! he’s dead again! i did see someone point out that at least ethan got to go out on his own terms, but dammit i would’ve at least liked for him to get to see mia one last time. i think it would’ve softened the blow a little more. but i guess that ties into the whole grief theming this game has going for it, and like i said, i probably just need some more time to digest it. 

i don’t dislike the ending, it’s just a very big culture shock - it’s definitely a ballsy move, and i really respect capcom for going all out the way they did. they really held back on nothing in terms of this game’s story and i absolutely love it. it was so, so worth the wait in that regard. 

and tbh that’s kinda how i feel about the whole game in general; it was super super good, very much worth the wait, and i absolutely cannot wait to see where resident evil goes from here. i have a gut feeling this’ll end up being one of my absolute favourites in the series, which i know is very high praise, but i really do love it that much. i wasn’t disappointed with much in this game, if anything at all. it’s just a super fucking good video game man idk what else to say at this point

[bones-sprouts]

(You can post this, most people know this /nm)

Ok so, i had these two online friends, and we were so fucking close, we did everything together, we facetimed, roleplayed, and me and one of them started dating, everything was great, hut sadly one of them was being "abused", but nothing about their life lined up, like one second their in the hospital for attempting no life by own hands and the next second their back home getting abused, then their in the hospital for a car crash then their back home getting chased by a wolf even tho they live in a feild in a trailer home.

and me and my partner at the time were catching on and getting suspicious, me and my partner started talking behind the scenes and decided their whole life was faked for attention. there was alot of proof, now people im not saying that everyones life is like this (faked) but theirs was. and when we figured out me and the "friend" who was faking their life, we got into an argument and they called me alot of bad names. we ended up ending the friendship. and i played the "i hate u i hate u i domt need u" card to get over em.

its the card i always use, put on a facade and act like everythings ok! It works most of the time.

but then my partner started to talk to me less and less and one day blocked me, and i got rlly worried cause their family sucked ass too and they were suicidal (i knew they werent faking cause their was actual evidence they werent.) and when they blocked me i broke down, at 12 am, during the weekend, broke down crying, and having multiple oanic attacks, i never figured out what happened to em.

(we talk now but idk what happened)

now i have a hard time trusting, believing ur trauma and problems cause "well what if ur like damien (bad friend), what if ur faking. what if ur lying." and ik ur not but the trauma ans scarrring lingers and i cant help it, i will never tell u i dont beleive u, but half thr time i rlly dont. i'll support u and if i trust u enough i will believe u, cause "how can u lie? ik thats not u, ik u."

and also, my trigger for suicide is worse cause now i have multiple horrible memories linked to it, haha

sorry for dumping this on u, i just rlly needed to get it out, :(

Overall my friendships suck, the only good online friendships ive had so far are you, day, logan, and Jayden (my bf), and im hoping they stay good, cause i dont wanna loose you all :(

god that's really awful, im glad you got to get it out but jeez man :((( daimien sounds like a bitch, i had an irl like that a few months ago so i kinda get it, but just damn. and ofc, i love you tons man (/p) and im sure day logan and your bf do too, and i get why you're scared things will get messed up, but we'll do our best to stick around :]

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

[sergeant-donny-donowitz]

Cliff’s Kid

Trigger Warnings: Homophobia

OC character: Diana

A/N: ik the bi pride flag wasn't until like the 90s, but like...let's pretend it was a thing then  ;-;

@tealaquinn @frozenhuntress67 @juxt4p0siti0n @kwyloz

Requested by: @i-do-not-know-what-my-life-is

Let me know if you wanna be added to the IB or OUATIH taglists :)

______________________________________________________

 Cliff, your estranged, clueless dad, gets a call when you get arrested at the Stonewall riot, while he’s in Italy. _____________________________________________________

She had her issues...but you loved your mom. You didn't remember her as much, but you knew she loved you. Did she love your dad? Maybe not... Did he love her? He tried... But goddamn did he love you. You were his kid. And as much of a tough guy as Cliff was, he had a major soft spot for his kid. You were the one thing in the world he loved. And your dad? Well he was your hero. That much you remembered. No matter what the magazines and tabloids said, you knew he didn't kill her. But that was years ago. You were just a kid, then. You didn't understand it at all. But you knew he didn't do it. Now, people weren't so sure. That included the judge. So, Cliff lost his custody over you. You were going to New York, with your aunt. Your aunt was frigid. She   she wasn't much of an affectionate person. That only got worse as the years went on. Really, that judge sentenced both you and Cliff to loneliness. Being in a completely different city, where it snowed and rained, where the people were loud and angry...well... It was just the exact opposite of the home you knew in sunny California, in the shade of Hollywood sign. Cliff did his best. He tried to be around as much as posible, but you cried whenever he called. Your aunt didn't know how to handle it. She started to hide Cliff's letters to you. She'd answer the phone, tell him you were alright, and you weren't home, or you were at soccer practice, you were with friend, Gina. At one point, he confronted her. You didn't play soccer. You liked to surf. You never mentioned a friend named Gina. But you had a friend named Sarah. How was it that you were never home? You were a shy kid.  Your aunt leveled with him. "You're just not the best influence, Cliff. You don't have a stable job, you live in a trailer now! You have nothing to offer to her, you can't even put Y/N through college. You are a terrible influence on her. She’s upset whever you talk to her, and it’s a damn headache. Yes she misses you, but...it's just better this way, don't you think?" And after that...he never called again. Because, he thought she was right, Maybe you really were  better off without him. You asked your aunt about the letters. He used to draw things on the margins to make you laugh.  You got those letters twice a week. You looked forward to them...and they suddenly stopped coming.

Being so young, you thought maybe he stopped thinking about you. Eventually, as you got older, you wondered if people were right about him. Still, you never had a warm place to call home. Yes, you had a roof over your head, and you had everything you could ever ask for...but you never had anyone you thought cared. Your mother was gone, your dad stopped talking to you, and your aunt...welll... She had this thing she would whisper to other adults, just loud enough for you to hear. "She's not like the other kids." She snapped one day. Why? You found love. You weren't allowed to have a boyfriend yet. That was ok. Because...yes, you'd liked guys before. But... her name was Diana. She was a senior, you were still a junior. You found her, you knew you loved her, and you fought for her. But no matter what you said, to your aunt, it was "wrong." And...you were locked in your room. You weren't allowed to go anywhere but from home to school and back. No excuses. And that was no way to live. So, like any other girl in love, you found a way: The fire escape. It was rusty, but it was steady and reliable enough. You lived your way. You did it your way. You fought for it. You snuck out, and lived your life the way you should. Happy, as yourself, with whoever you wanted. You went to parties, snuck into clubs with your friends... with Diana.

You were a fighter, and you did things your way. You were like your father in that sense, even if you didn't really remember.

Even if you did it your way, the world wasn't ready for you. But that didn't matter. Because you weren't invisible. Not anymore. You existed. You loved. Nobody could take that from you, or anyone else that was there, or anyone else that would live through the same thing as you. You were there. The cops came in. Diana slipped her hand into yours. You were done hiding. Everyone was. You were there (with a fake id). But you had to be. You were there when that shotglass hit the mirror. You weren't afraid anymore. Stonewall was just the beginning. ...well.... you got arrested. You weren't scared...but it didn't help that you were there with a fake ID. Your aunt...well...that's what scared you most. "She’s gonna kick me out..." Diane was sitting on the ground in front of you, "Baby, it's ok. We're in this together..." "It's not...not that easy." "No one said it was. Hell, that's why this started. It's gonna get better. It has to!" You smiled. Somehow...she was always so positive. She took your hands in hers, looking at you, "Even if it's not so smooth, you know I'm stilll here with you, all the way." You smiled softly, and she gave you a soft, reassuring kiss. She sat by you then, wrapped her arms around you, and rested her head on your shoulder. "Dee?" "Yeah, hun?" You sighed, "I know...this isn't the best place...but...You did say you wanted to go out and celebrate."" You could hear the smile in her voice, "I did say that, didn't I." "Yeah, but you never told me why we were celebrating." "Oh! Well..." She giggled, a little embarrassed. She didn't have the best memory, but she had a big heart. You chuckled. Somehow, her laugh made it all a little better. She reached in her back pocket, and pulled out a folded up envelope. "I got in!" She held up a folded up acceptance letter from UCLA. Her dream school.... All the way on the other side of the country. You squealed in excitement, as you held her, "Baby I'm so proud of you!" You held her as you rocked side to side. Then...it hit you.... The other side of the country... You were absolutely proud of her. It was her dream school, and it was not an easy school to get in to.... but you didn't want to say goodbye. She knew that... "Hey...look at me, babe..." She held your face up, "I'll call you every day! I'll send you stuff in the mail, postcards, pictures! I'll fly out and visit every chance I get!" You smiled, and nodded, though, you'd heard those things before... And it stung you... Still, you nodded. You trusted her. "I know, baby. I know..." Then...you heard the sound of heels echoing down the hall. "Aunt Lena-" She cut you off. "You're just like your father. Absolutely disgusting. I'm not bailing you out of here. You’re not coming back to my home. Drinking, and...and..." "Don’t." You gritted your teeth. "Sinning. You're staying here, with this, this wh-" "Say one word. Say one word about Diana, and I will-" "What? Kill me? Just like your father killed your mother?!" You had enough. You clung to the bars, "SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT HIM, AND I SWEAR I'LL-" "You belong here.” She scoffed, “You're proving me right, dear. You're not my problem anymore." She turned her back on you. Your knuckles were white, still gripping the bars, until Diana pulled you away.  ***************************************** It was 8AM. Rick was hungover, but he knew his best friend. "C'mon ol' buddy. What's wrong?" Cliff shook his head, "Wrong? Nothin’s wrong." "You've b-been dipping that piece of celery in your bloody mary f-for twenty minutes." "Yeah..." "C'mon Cliff, w-what's the matter?" Cliff sighed. "Y/N's in trouble." Rick's mouth dropped, "Y/n? Sweet lil Y/n?" Of course, the last time he saw you, was the last time Cliff saw you. After the trial. You were just six years old then. That was eleven years ago...and it was easy to forget how quickly time moved. "Yeah." "Trouble? What do you mean?!  Trouble?! Y/n?!" He was absolutely shocked. "Trouble, like grounded-trouble? Or t-rouble, like, we're f-flyin into New York right now to kick somebody's ass-trouble?" "We?" "S-sure!" Rick meant it. You used to call him Uncle Rick, and it melted his heart. Ten years may have passed, but he'd be damned if he ever let anything happen to you.

Cliff sighed, "See, I don't know either. All Lena said-" "Lena...The wicked witch of the east?" Cliff laughed, "That's the one, partner." "Wel, what'd she say?" "She's givin' up custody over Y/n." "So...you're getting her back?" "Yeah...and..." "And?" "Y/n got arrested and Lena won't bail her out." Rick gasped. "ARrESTeD?! It caN"T BE.! Why?!" Cliff shook his head, "She didn't say. All she said was that Y/n's a 'damned degenrate,' and 'just like me.' " Rick shook his head, "Hey. This...this is all a misunderstanding! How bad can it be? I mean-" "I never shoulda let ‘em take Y/n from me. I swear to God, If I see Lena..." "How could she say that about Y/n?!" "I fucking hope I don't see her, no one talks about my kid like that! And...” It was like he had a revelation. He stood up, “My baBY IS IN JAIL, WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE, RICK?! I NEED TO SEE THAT SHE'S O-FUCKEN-KAY. IS SHE GETTING ENOUGH FOOD? IS SHE COLD? IS SHE SCARED?! I NEED TO-" For once, Rick wasn't the one in hysterics... and normally it would have freaked him out, but ths was Cliff's kid they were talking aout. He was acting like any dad should. "Bring her home. Y-you need to bring her h-home, buddy." "I...we're in Italy...I can't take care of her..." Now, the tables had really turned. Rick scrambled for the right words, but he gave it his best shot. "Look, I-I remeber the w-way that kid used to l-look at you. You're n-not just a fucking war hero, you w-were her hero." Cliff's heart sank... "You're her-her old man. She's got n-nowhere else to go. Her home is w-wherever you are. D-don't matter wh-what that judge said t-ten years ago. You're s-still her dad, y-you love that kid, no m-matter what, right?" Cliff nodded. Rick slipped something into Cliff’s hand. It was a a couple hundred dollars. Enough for a couple plane tickets, and enough to bail you out. "Rick, you don't have to-" "I miss that kid, Cliff. And if I fucking m-missed Y/n, I can't even imagine what t-the hell you felt. Take the money."  "You're a good friend, Rick..." ****** "Y/n..." The first thing he did, was give you a hug. He couldn't give back the ten years you didn't have together, but it was a start. "Y/n, what's going on!? All Lena said was that you were-" he cut himself off. He didn't want to hurt your feelings, "In trouble. All that cops say you were at a protest, but...what? What happened? Are you hurt? Are you-" You couldn't believe it... He seemed like he really cared. "Dad?" "Yes? I'm...I'm sorry...I'm here now, I know I haven't been, I know you probably hate me, but...Lena told me you didn't want to hear from me, you didn’t need me... and I thought maybe she was right. But...she wasn't..." "She told you what?!" "Oh. Shit!" Your aunt had ruined everything without you realizing, all along. "Dad, that's not true... She just." "She wanted the best for you, I know-" "She kicked me out. She wouldn't bail me out because she kicked me out." "What!? Why?! Y/n, what’s going on?!" "I..." He sat in front of you, his hand on your shoulder, like he used to do when you were a little kid. "Y/n, you can tell me anything. It's ok." "Dad...I..." You wanted to hide it, but you had no where else to go. Whatever he said, you weren't cahnging. "I'm bi." You shut your eyes, and flinched, having no idea how he’d react. "Y/n. 3,994 miles between us didn't stop me from lovin' and misin' ya. Whoever you love and miss won't either. You're my kid, Y/n. It doesnt matter to me." "Y...you're not mad?" You opened your eyes, and found him smiling softly, like he always had.  “Mad?" He raised an eyebrow. How could he be mad at you? "You got arrested at a riot..." "Because I was at a gay bar..." He shook his head, "Becase you fought for what you believe in...I was a little older than you are now, but I fought for what I believed in." "You're a war hero, it's not the same." "I know. I had half the world on my side... You don't..." His heart broke, realizing it wouldn't be easy, "You don't....but you're not done fighting." He was still proud of you. "Some day, things will be better... You might not have a goddamn army, you may not have much, but you're not alone. You have me." You smiled... you felt like you could cry. Those were words you needed to hear all your life. You threw your arms around him, and he hugged you back. When you finally let go, you asked, "Can I...say goodbye to someone first?" He nodded, and then looked where you wre looking. "Is that her..." He smiled a little, "My kid's a regular Casanova, ain't she?" You sighed, "Dad!" He chuckled, "Alright, alright. Sorry...Go on, now, I'll wait outside." You smiled, "Thanks dad..." So...you said goodbye to Diana. A little sooner than expected, but, "YOU'RE GOING TO LA TOO?!" She bounded up and down, and wrapped her arms around you, "YES!" She squeezed you so tight, you thought you'd break a rib. But...you were ok with that. "We'll be in Italy for a while, but we'll be in LA in August, right around the time you move in!" Diana smiled softly, "Baby, I told you, it gets better." You nodded and smiled, "I know, Dee..." "Go on, tell your dad I said hi. That's him, right?" You turned around, to see him behind the glass door, giving you a thumbs up with a grin. You couldn't help but face palm. Diana smiled, "Hey...I'll see you in two months, ok?" "Ok," You smiled, and you kissed goodbye. You went your ways, her parents bailed her out a few hours before you. You looked back, and he was now giving you two thumbs up. It was a bit embarassing...but it was everything you wanted. **************** You arrived at the airport in Rome, and there he was. Uncle Rick. "Hey kid..." He smiled, his eyes a little teary. You smiled back and hugged him, "Hey Uncle Rick" He was a bit like Diana, and gave you a hug that was too tight, but still welcome. You laughed a little, "I missed you too!" And you spent the rest of the day with them, exploring Rome. The next morning, they brought you to the set, and while Cliff was getting into his costume, you unng out with Rick. "Ya know, he never s-stopped thinking about you. Talked about y-you a ton." "Really?" "Yeah. Mostly you need to g-get him really drunk. Guess it hurt a lot." You nodded, "I know..." Rick was a little nervous of messing it up, stepping into something he shouldn't, but he wanted you to know...

he was still the cool uncle. "S-so you got in trouble, huh?" "Yup." "How come?" "I got a girlfriend." "And?" "What do you mean 'and’?" He shrugged, "C'mon Y/n. I got to Hollywood parties. I live in Hollywood. There's so much worse things. Li-like hippies." "Hippies?" You raised your eyebrow as you laughed. "Yeah. And some illegal things. Like murder...I-I mean, its a nice place to live!...You'll be fine.” He hoped he wasn't blowing it, "What's her name?" "Diana." He saw the smile when you said her name. "Oh my God...you love her!" You blushed a little, "I do..." He shrugged, "Don't be embarassed. You know, some things are w-worth getting in trouble over. You know what you shouldn't get in t-trouble over? Drugs... well....maybe.... But you didn't hear it from me." "Oh my God." "But love? Always w-worth the trouble." You knew he was trying his best, and you smiled, "Thanks Uncle Rick." "Don't mention it, kiddo. S-serioisly. Don't t-tell your dad wh-what I said about drugs!" "I know, I know." You chuckled, as you walked out of the trailer, and he called out as a last ditch effort, "Say no to drugs!" ********************* A few months later, you were finally going back to LA. He told you, he didn't have much. Just a trailer, and a dog.   But, he'd told Rick that he was using the money from their time in Italy to get a small apartment big enough for you, him, and Brandy. So, you were there with them, as they said their goodbyes. You decided, maybe they needed some time alone, so you went with Francesca and Brandy for a while. After a while, she smiled, "You know, you're just like your father." "Why does everyone keep telling me that?" She laughed as  you sat together on the ground, magazines laid out as she showed you the latest in fashion in Italy, as Brandy sat by, while you petted her. Your first night in LA was...well...one to remember. You ended up throwing a paper weight into a hippie's nose, effectively breaking it. Cliff would go on to say 'Kid's got an actual killer aim.' And after that, you'd never hear the end of people saying you were just like him... Which you were coming to learn wasn't so bad. "You're a good friend, Cliff." "I try."

The ambulance drove away, and Rick had promised Cliff he'd keep an eye on you while he was in the hospital. "Well, wh-what’d I say? S-say no to drugs." "That's your takeaway from this?" You furrowed your brows as you looked up at him, and he laughed. But, the night wasn't over. You ended up going over to meet Sharon Tate, and Roman Polanski. Your first night in LA was... well, unforgettable, to say the least.  Days passed. Things started to look up. Rick started getting interviews, and casting calls left and right. Meaning...he and Cliff were back in business. You were happy, really, and you liked going to visit him at the hospital in the meantime, but, he knew something was on your mind. Ten years may have gone, but he knew that when you held your right wrist with your left hand, you were thinking about something. "Y/n? What're you thinkin' about?" "Well...Diana's moving in to her dorm today. Can I go help her?" Cliff smiled as he laid back in the bed.  "I'll be ok, Y/n. You go and help her. It'll give you some practice. When I get out, you can help me move our stuff into the apartment." You rolled your eyes and smiled, "Yeah, I know, dad." He sat up, "Hold on, before you go, I didn't have the chance to give this to you." He held out a little box. You opened it, and saw a bracelet made from blue, pink, and purple beads. "I bought it from a hippie in Santa Monica....Don't tell Rick about the hippie."" You smiled, and looked at him... You hugged him. He smiled, and hugged you back. "Alright, go help Diana. I'll see you tomorrow, kid." You smiled, "See you tomorrow, dad." 

[dayasbun]

Fame - Angus Cloud (5)

Summary- a luckily timed audition leads to you falling for your new and unexpected co-star.

Warnings- okay HI welcome to my first multi chapter series woah?! this is actually so exciting for me like wow especially since angus doesn’t have any fics yet im just really really excited- so warnings! smut for sure, bad words, lotsa fluff, angst- everything in one basically. here comes a ride and I hope you enjoy :)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5 {reading now}

-

You woke up to an empty bed and cold covers. With a sigh you sat up, wondering where Storm and Z had gone. Grabbing your phone, you shook your head as you read the messages on your home screen.

Babygirl Z <3: Yoooo so we dipped cuz Angus's weird-ass kinda threatened us to gtfo out cuz he wanted to spend time w you but don't tell him I told you that, I don't wanna deal w him

Lil storm!: i think the hood boy in love with you or sum- it's weird.

Angus ☁️: you free today? i got some plans for us so if you ain't you free now

Angus ☁️: i'm playin btw like if you ain't free i can change shit around

You giggled as you heard your nails click against the phone's screen as you sent responses.

-mhm i'll act like i never saw this...have a good day of filming gorgeous <3

-see storm, i highly disagree

-i'm free :) is this a date mr cloud? don’t forget we have filming today

You got up brushing your teeth and washing your face. You waited for Angus's response before picking an outfit for the day, and instead decided on making breakfast for now.

Babygirl Z <3: thanks lovely same to you!!!

Lil storm! laughed at your message

Angus ☁️: shittttt ion know maybe- n yeah ik

-i'm making breakfast, come over if you want

Angus ☁️: food?? i'm already on the way

-my trailer door is unlocked so just come in

A few minutes later you heard the heavy trailer door creak open. You flipped a pancake before turning around and facing the taller man in front of you. "Gooooood morning- you look so tired?"

"Damn, thanks Y/N you look great too!" Angus said sarcastically rolling his eyes.

"Boy, I'm kidding." You grinned wrapping your arms around his waist "How'd you sleep?"

"I slept ight, you? Any dream-"

"SHUTUP!"

"I was just checking damn, just checking!"

You let off the hug and walked back over to the stove turning off the burners. "Okay, done! Pancakes and eggs- and fruit! Can't beat that." You made both you and Angus a plate and sat them down on the small table.

You both ate with smiles on your faces, talking the whole time. You learned some more about Angus and his past, and he learned more about you and what you want your future to be like. You couldn't help but laugh when he spotted a carton of store-bought sugar cookies on your counter and insisted he eat at least five. You didn't deny his request, so he polished them off with the rest of his pancakes.

As soon as the breakfast came to a close, both of your phones dinged at the exact same time.

"That's strange," You said picking up the electrical device. You quickly unlocked it as your eyes scanned the screen, and when you finished you immediately looked up at Angus. From the look on his face, you could tell that he clearly had finished reading the message as well.

"So…" he said quietly.

"Yeah."

"Yep."

The text message wasn't too big of a deal, just a simple message from Mary of a suddenly new shooting schedule. You weren't worried until you reached the paragraph that made very clear that instead of shooting you and Angus's sex scenes next week, or possibly two weeks away, they would be shot tomorrow and for the rest of the week.

Shooting the scenes wasn't exactly the problem, it was the caliber of the scenes that you two would be shooting that was the problem. Also the fact- that though there isn't much talking during the sex scenes- you would have to memorize the lines of the new episode. Even though you and Angus were more comfortable with each other, sex scenes were not anything that you two were ready for, you guys hadn't even kissed yet, whether that was a real kiss, or a kiss practicing for the scene.

"I think we need practice."

"I agree."

"So uh..." He turned red as he picked at his nails.

You let out a sigh. "Okay so look. Basically, the scene just consists of me being naked, you being naked as well, but they're going to jimmy rig something so that obviously we aren't actually doing it. Mary told me in my message that I would have some type of pad over my you know what, and you would have some type of cup on."

"But-"

"I'm not done, wait. There are covers over us; so even though I have to give the effect of riding you, I'll just kind of be awkwardly rubbing my padded- you- know- what up against the cup."

"Okay, don't we make out before?"

"Yeah, we do." You stood up and rinsed off the plates. After placing them in the dishwasher, you turned back to your male co-star. "Okay, so it's about 11 AM right now. If we practice our lines, make out some, and I awkwardly ride you clothed in my bed, I think we should be fine..what about your plans?" You asked softly.

"It’s ight, they can wait. But there's another scene- where I smash you from the back. That's the part where I gotta show my cheeks man, damn I don't wanna show my cheeks!"

You laughed a bit "You'll be fine... tomorrow we'll be shooting probably just making out, then the next day the riding scene, and then the day after that more. And I know this seems kind of shitty, but if you read over other peoples paragraphs besides just ours, a lot of their sex scenes were moved up too, and some of the pairings are a bit weird and unexpected."

"Okay let's stop talking about it and just do it."

You nodded and silently walked into your small bedroom, sitting on the messy bed. You hadn't made it because, well you didn't exactly expect to have Angus in your bedroom, let alone to do this.

"So..."

You turned to look at him with a raised brow, "What?"

"So imma kiss you."

Why did that one sentence make your heart. Skip. So. Many. Fucking. Beats.

"Yeah well, that's what the script says right?"

He nodded and licked his lips. "Come get on my lap."

"Why? That's not in the-"

"It'll be more comfortable, especially if we doing this for a minute."

You took in a breath as you went over and straddled his lap, your legs around his waist, and your arms resting comfortably on his shoulders, wrapping around his neck.

You looked into his eyes, and god they were just gorgeous. "Angus.." You said softly.

"Yeah?"

And for .2 seconds you actually debated telling him- telling him that when you kissed him, you didn't want it just to be practice for the show. Telling him that you felt like you lived for the nights that he would facetime you and tell you dumbest shit that would just have you dead tired the next day. Telling him how much he made you laugh, and how it made you so unbearably happy every time you saw his name and knew it was the cause of your phone screen lighting up. Making sure he knew that the past 2 months of your life had gotten so much brighter just because of him.

You didn't though.

But if you had? He would've told you how he felt the exact same way. He would tell you how he loved how your eyes sparkle in the sunlight, how he loved how your nose scrunched up when you laughed. About how you were the only person who would listen to his dumb Mandela effects, even though he knew you didn't believe in all of them. And how it made him blush every time you sent him a mirror selfie on Snapchat for your streak- which he always lost.

But neither of you said anything.

Instead, you made out for a full 32 minutes with absolutely no passion, no lust, no nothing. Too scared to open up to the other due to the fear of rejection.

Until he got hard.

Again.

And that was your little 'ding!' to let you know yet again, 'he wants you.'

So your hips began to move {finally, after 32 minutes of dead nothingness} and you and Angus's lips began to fight for dominance. His hands moved from being awkwardly placed on your sides to under your shirt on your waist. Feeling his hands on your bare skin, you let out a soft moan into his mouth- which you could tell completely caught him off guard.

"Fuck you moaning for?" He teased, still not letting off of the kiss.

"For you."

He bit your lip causing you to moan yet again, your hips still bucking against his hard-on- holy fuck that felt a lot better than it should've. You grinned a bit as you felt his beard brush against your face.

"God. you're so hot."

'Oh my god' you thought, 'It's happening.'

"Baby, I have nothing on you." You replied seductively, sliding your hand down from his shoulder to his crotch.

"Fuck Jess..."

You grinned as he- wait what?

Jess- right, your characters name. Reel it in, you told yourself. This is just acting, nothing more. Just acting. Though you stayed into it, something about him calling you Jess turned you off a bit. After 10 more minutes or so you stopped, getting off of his lap and sitting on the side of him.

“Wel-”

“Yeah, that was good!” You quickly cut him off. “I definitely think our awkwardness has melted away a bit.”

“But don’t you wanna talk-” 

“We have some scenes to film at 1, its 12:30 right now so we should head to wardrobe.”

Angus looked at you with a confused expression on his face, but just nodded slowly and stood up following you out.

All you two had to film was the scene of you coming back, so it was a calm and chill collection of scenes to go through. Everything ran smoothly, and by the time you two were done around 9PM, you were as tired as could be.

“You're such a good fucking actress Y/N.” Angus complimented you as you two walked back to his trailer. He offered you to stay over for the night- just to sleep of course- and you couldn't reject the offer even if you wanted to- which you didn't want to. “Thank you,” you replied softly. “You’re quite talented as well.”

“Nah girl, I'm just being me.”

You two went into his warm trailer talking of filming the scenes, and how tired you both were. You both tried to avoid the topic of the scenes you had to film tomorrow and for the rest of the week; though you were supposedly ready, it was a strangely sore topic.

Soon showers were taken, clothes were changed, and all that was left to do was cuddle.

Angus flipped off the lights and then crawled into the bed with you. You moved closer to him, listening to his rapid heartbeat as you traced hearts on his chest. “Night Redhead.” you said softly, placing a kiss against his cheek.

“Goodnight Mamas.”

And as you lay next to him listening to his light snores, you thought about something. You thought about how though today had been so amazing, and finally, you felt as though the awkwardness had melted away… it was all acting.

Angus didn't like you; that's what you told yourself. Any man would get hard if an attractive woman was sitting on his lap, so that was self-explanatory. Any man would call you baby during a heated moment, any man would talk dirty to you in a heated moment. And a good man like Angus would always make you feel comfortable when you practiced for a scene- that's all he was doing, he wanted you to feel comfortable.

You couldn't be hurt about the situation, the whole point of doing any of that was just practicing for the scenes. And after all, Angus called you Jess, not Y/N.

But at the same time, a little part of you wouldn't stop screaming that you really really really wished he had said your name instead. A little part of you-

Your thoughts were interrupted by the soft glow of your phone lighting up along with a light vibration. A smile appeared on your face as you saw who the message was from.

Babygirl Z <3: GIRL

Babygirl Z <3: BABES ARE YOU UP??!

-yeah you okay? what's wrong?

Babygirl Z <3: shit I'm sorry but i have to tell you this

-what's wrong????? are you okay?

Babygirl Z <3: I'm fine but

-?????

Babygirl Z <3: fuck don't hate me ily okay this is for the best just remember that

-Z get to the point...

Babygirl Z <3: okay so...storm and i just did some digging and

-and?

Babygirl Z <3: and we think Angus got a girl back @ home

-

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